#687 - JOE DEROSA + CHRIS DISTEFANO

Transcript

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Speaker 10 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 10 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at deathsquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.

Speaker 10 If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com. Everything golden pony, including his tour dates, at tonyhinchcliffe.com.

Speaker 10 If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

Speaker 10 And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 17 Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 18 Give it up for Tony.

Speaker 17 That's good.

Speaker 19 Who's ready for the best fucking Monday night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 19 Yeah, baby.

Speaker 19 Oh my goodness. Mama, we made it.

Speaker 21 You are here. You guys did it.
You're here.

Speaker 22 This is the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony.

Speaker 25 Brought to you this week by HelloFresh and Mando.

Speaker 26 Make so much for Red Band, everybody.

Speaker 28 We've been doing this a long time.

Speaker 20 And how about one more time for the best stand band in the land?

Speaker 30 On the horns, the great Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Raúl Vallejo, and Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Speaker 25 Over here, we have have Matt Muelling on the electric guitar playing a brand new guitar thanks to John Page Classic and the leader of the band and undeniable force.

Speaker 37 This is the great John Bees on the keys everybody.

Speaker 40 Deep Madness is playing by himself at another venue that nobody knows about because

Speaker 42 He's blind.

Speaker 43 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 46 We have a fun show lined up for you before we we get started here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible

Speaker 7 the sunset strip comedy club in austin texas is now open check out red band's secret show every thursday go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets

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Speaker 11 Are you guys ready for the best fucking show you've ever seen, huh?

Speaker 28 Here we go.

Speaker 20 Anything can happen.

Speaker 20 I lined up two of the funniest guests that we've ever had on this show.

Speaker 53 Two of the funniest guests in the world.

Speaker 37 Two of my favorite comedians.

Speaker 54 Legends of New York.

Speaker 25 Here quite often because Austin is the new comedy capital of the world.

Speaker 20 Ladies and gentlemen, your guests tonight, two of the greatest. Make some noise for Chris DeStefano and Joe DeRosa.

Speaker 20 Oh, yeah, baby.

Speaker 56 226 signups and two of my favorite guests of all time.

Speaker 60 What's up, Chris?

Speaker 48 Hello, how you doing?

Speaker 59 Feeling good?

Speaker 62 Absolutely.

Speaker 40 We're going to have some fucking fun tonight. Yep.

Speaker 61 Beautiful crowd.

Speaker 64 There it is. Great hat.

Speaker 50 This guy wearing a fucking Gucci bucket hat.

Speaker 20 I know, dude.

Speaker 59 You really look like an idiot. Yeah.

Speaker 59 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 48 But it's good.

Speaker 61 You're owning it, and it's about confidence.

Speaker 66 Yeah, wow. No, don't pull it down.

Speaker 61 It makes it worse.

Speaker 67 But it's good. Good for you.

Speaker 50 That is an incredible hat.

Speaker 69 Joe DeRessa, what do you think about how dumb this fucking guy looks?

Speaker 70 What do the GGs on it stand for?

Speaker 72 Wow, you're so poor and cheap.

Speaker 73 It stands for, the GG stands for gay guy.

Speaker 20 That's how I know what it is.

Speaker 73 Wait, what do the GGs stand for?

Speaker 38 Gucci.

Speaker 37 You fucking free t-shirt-wearing motherfucker.

Speaker 20 You bought that?

Speaker 74 I like that you're wearing the thing your dad bought you at the game.

Speaker 63 Don't fucking start. We just got out here.

Speaker 77 Oh, Michael's playing those drums.

Speaker 21 Oh, he did not like me saying he just works out and plays the drums.

Speaker 36 One joke on Tony. Just...

Speaker 78 You angry little fucking Mexican bastard.

Speaker 79 Look at this fucking bad boy burrito back here.

Speaker 80 Jesus Christ, fucking spicy quesadilla tonight, huh?

Speaker 27 Woo!

Speaker 27 All right.

Speaker 32 Fucking unbelievable.

Speaker 79 Oh, your dad bought you a shirt.

Speaker 67 Michael just.

Speaker 6 Shut the fuck up back there, you motherfucking.

Speaker 58 Sound like a Tommy Lee solo.

Speaker 83 I made a joke about Michael during the commercial break, and he's getting his revenge over here.

Speaker 37 I got my eyes on you, dude.

Speaker 85 All right, 226 sign-ups tonight.

Speaker 86 The show is absolutely out of control.

Speaker 40 They're all waiting in a bar across the street.

Speaker 46 I pre-pull a name, and one of our lovely, lovely human beings goes and wrangles them from the bar across the street.

Speaker 51 In the meanwhile, you know how it works.

Speaker 23 If I bring them up, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 40 You know, their time is up, and you have the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 56 That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear.

Speaker 46 Ooh, fans of the kitten here tonight.

Speaker 40 Oh, it's Heidi.

Speaker 89 Heidi came up.

Speaker 90 Wow, I was wondering why the cat got a standing ovation in the room.

Speaker 23 I was wondering why all the guys have boners.

Speaker 52 Wasn't the sound of it. I thought you guys were just die-hard fans of the show popping for the cat, but

Speaker 59 turns out it was a pussy.

Speaker 43 While we wrangle our first bucket pull from across the street, ladies and gentlemen, we have an amazing golden ticket winner who we've watched grow on the show for about, geez, Louise, five or six years.

Speaker 80 We originally found him in Houston, Texas, when he was just a very young buck.

Speaker 69 And here, with a brand new minute, getting the stand-up comedy portion of the show started, this is a brand new minute from Golden Ticket Winner, the adorable and likable and lovely.

Speaker 50 Make some noise for Enrique Chacone, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 65 Here we go.

Speaker 96 Yo, yo, yo, what's up, motherfuckers? How we feeling tonight?

Speaker 96 Hell yeah, man. I had to stop driving Uber Eats

Speaker 96 because I started abusing my own supply.

Speaker 96 Hands the weight gain.

Speaker 96 And if I'm your Uber Eats driver and I've been dropping off McDonald's at your shitty college campus and you're only tipping me 86 cents, I'm sorry, bro, but I'm gonna put my dick in your fish sandwich, dude.

Speaker 96 At that point, that ain't tartar sauce anymore. That's Tres Leches now.

Speaker 96 You wondering why the McDonald's tastes so good this week? Where's this new recipe coming from?

Speaker 68 Oh, it's coming.

Speaker 17 It's coming from south of the border, bitch.

Speaker 96 But yeah, man, this is how I knew I got fat from Uber. I knew I got fat because my girlfriend, she spontaneously started sucking my titties in the bedroom, bro.

Speaker 96 Big guys, anybody else get their titties sucked, dude?

Speaker 96 Man, dude, she started sucking my titties so good, bro. And ladies, I understand now.
I was trying so hard not to moan.

Speaker 96 And then she really started sucking, bro. And I turned into a little farm animal.

Speaker 96 And I never cum so much in my life, y'all. Thank you.

Speaker 25 Enrique Chacone with a pretty fucking disgusting set.

Speaker 96 I'm nasty like that.

Speaker 46 Coming with your titties getting sucked on,

Speaker 36 nutting on someone's fish sandwich.

Speaker 100 Hey,

Speaker 96 Chris looks like he's into it, bro.

Speaker 55 He keeps fucking nodding.

Speaker 43 100%, dude.

Speaker 57 Latinos, I'm in.

Speaker 59 Oh, bro.

Speaker 96 Just letting you know I am a man. You know what I mean?

Speaker 61 You kind of look like Elliot Page if he was fat and Mexican.

Speaker 96 You know what?

Speaker 102 I'm so illegal.

Speaker 96 I don't know who the fuck that is, but

Speaker 96 I'll receive it, dude.

Speaker 48 You fucking transphobe.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 74 Joe, they wrote.

Speaker 74 You work for Uber Eats.

Speaker 73 You look like you eat Ubers.

Speaker 103 Bro, Dude, I was abusing my Uber Eats orders, Joe.

Speaker 96 Joe, you look like the stepdad that sent me to Fat Camp, bro. I don't know, dude.
It feels a little hostile.

Speaker 96 But yeah, man, I'm a big fan, bro. I used to do the secret group, and that's the club that I started in, bro.

Speaker 48 Oh, that's great, man. Yeah, man.

Speaker 94 Thank you for the compliment.

Speaker 62 Joe DeRosa.

Speaker 61 Yeah, Joe named it after his sexuality.

Speaker 96 Hey, you know what? I can't speak to that, bro, because you know, I have a non-binary face, dude.

Speaker 104 I can't fucking speak to that shit.

Speaker 55 You really don't wish I could.

Speaker 37 Looks pretty binary to me.

Speaker 89 I bet there's been a lot of ones and zeros that sat on that face.

Speaker 87 Ooh.

Speaker 20 Ooh, a smart binary joke.

Speaker 20 I mean, you know, no big deal. Who's keeping track of...

Speaker 105 Who's keeping track of how much?

Speaker 96 I'm an avid ass eater, bro. Fuck it, bro.

Speaker 106 Okay, what does that have to do with anything?

Speaker 85 I mean, no one even brought that up, but alright.

Speaker 108 I was going to guess ass was one of the only things you didn't eat, but here we are, clearly.

Speaker 21 Clearly, there's calories, heavy caloric asshole you're eating out there.

Speaker 52 As he wipes the sweat from his morbidly...

Speaker 67 This is a fucking prop, dude.

Speaker 109 Because it's wet, too.

Speaker 65 What?

Speaker 96 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 85 Why is it a prop?

Speaker 107 Explain what you mean.

Speaker 96 Oh, like, dude, every time I do a punchline before the punchline, I wiped dude, you know what I'm saying? And then I drop the punchline, bro.

Speaker 110 Is that whole thing just soaked?

Speaker 25 Is the back as wet as the front?

Speaker 96 It's not as wet as my back, but you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 96 It's almost there, Tony.

Speaker 59 It's almost there, dude.

Speaker 40 You took the ball and you ran with it, little Inrique, my little tiny baby boy.

Speaker 96 You know what I mean?

Speaker 70 Whenever you wipe the sweat off, does the crusted Cinnabon cream rehydrate?

Speaker 96 And I'll save it a go and put it in my microwave later, you know. Hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 111 Oh, shit.

Speaker 96 It looks like you've been wiping your hairline off, you know.

Speaker 55 know.

Speaker 58 Oh,

Speaker 58 I'm sorry, Jack. I'm sorry, buddy.

Speaker 96 I'm such a English fan of you. I had to get one in.

Speaker 56 Oh, my God.

Speaker 94 I deserve that.

Speaker 73 And I'll take it from the person this room was named after.

Speaker 44 The fat man.

Speaker 96 And all these people came inside me. So, yeah.

Speaker 20 Oh, my God. You dirty little fucking beach ball bitch.

Speaker 111 Enrique, you're a little wild boy.

Speaker 87 Yeah, man.

Speaker 45 So, what else?

Speaker 83 You really doing Uber Eats now?

Speaker 100 Is that what's happening?

Speaker 96 I had to stop doing it. I did it for like a week, and I was like, man, fuck this shit.
Because I had some time before I hit the road on the weekend.

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 96 But yeah, that's when I started doing it.

Speaker 49 You're just driving around.

Speaker 8 You're picking up. You smell the food.

Speaker 68 You smell the food.

Speaker 107 Yeah, you're driving around and you're smelling it.

Speaker 96 So my weight gain is not my fault, dude.

Speaker 88 It's Uber Eats.

Speaker 66 You look good though, dude. You don't look good.

Speaker 55 You look good. Yeah.

Speaker 44 What are you, what are you blocking?

Speaker 106 What happened?

Speaker 87 What are you talking about? Sani.

Speaker 61 He's hating on himself.

Speaker 57 He's not fucking up. He's not that bad.

Speaker 66 How old are you?

Speaker 96 Hey, 28.

Speaker 67 You're going to make it to, you'll make it to 30.

Speaker 44 Okay.

Speaker 44 It's not terrible.

Speaker 96 Hey, Chris, you sound like my planet fitness trainer, Doug.

Speaker 103 I know.

Speaker 66 I know, dude. You look like a planet.

Speaker 58 Oh!

Speaker 14 What up?

Speaker 55 Fuck yeah, bro. All right.

Speaker 79 What do you do?

Speaker 107 Do you do anything to work out at all? Man,

Speaker 96 my ass has been sore all day, bro, but not because of any gay shit, dude. I've been biking, right? And, dude,

Speaker 96 man, my my taint is destroyed right now, bro.

Speaker 113 Why would that be?

Speaker 96 I don't know. This seat, man, something about the seat just makes my ass.

Speaker 106 What are you on? A fucking municipal?

Speaker 103 What are we talking about here?

Speaker 114 The seat of your car?

Speaker 96 No, I've just been biking. I've been biking like six miles, five miles a day.
You know, I'm just playing every other day, bro. I'm not biking six miles a day.

Speaker 66 That's incredible. But yeah, dude.

Speaker 94 I'd love to see those tires.

Speaker 96 Have you seen a 450 outside bitch?

Speaker 100 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 20 It's a lowrider.

Speaker 96 But yeah, I was biking with my disabled friend. He has a bum knee, bro.
He said we were going to do 15 miles. I was like, fuck it.
If he's disabled, I could do it. Hell no.
He beat me, man.

Speaker 67 He beat me. Dude, Stephen Hawking could beat you.

Speaker 43 I'll fuck his ass hard, bro.

Speaker 43 He's dead.

Speaker 53 Anything else crazy going on in life, Enrique?

Speaker 17 Yeah, man.

Speaker 96 Oh, since I quit my job, right? I've been hitting the road pretty hard. So I'm booked out to December.
So that's fucking good news, right?

Speaker 111 And

Speaker 58 yeah, man.

Speaker 96 just out here doing it, bro, taking all these little clubs, you know. I've been uh on the road with Heath Cordes and uh Rick Diaz.
I love it.

Speaker 96 So, uh, yeah, man, we have a few dates, but we did uh Philadelphia last week, bro, and that shit was cool. We ran up the Rocky Steps, you know, where Rocky was doing his shit.

Speaker 96 I was just playing, I didn't run it,

Speaker 43 yeah.

Speaker 82 Took the Rocky Road,

Speaker 117 you son of a bitch.

Speaker 96 I know what I'm getting on my Uber Eats order later tonight, dude.

Speaker 58 I

Speaker 5 Can I give you a tip of advice? For a man that sweats the way you do, wear one shirt.

Speaker 17 Hey, look, man.

Speaker 96 It's either sweat or titties, bro. And I don't see any dollar bills.

Speaker 27 Wow.

Speaker 66 Do you live in around here?

Speaker 96 Yeah, I live in Austin.

Speaker 61 This weekend, I'm doing shows in Dallas.

Speaker 94 Do you want to do a spawn on one of the shows?

Speaker 89 Whoa, look at that, Enrique. Hey!

Speaker 59 Look at that. Got a real gig out of it.

Speaker 20 Amazing stuff. There he goes, Enrique Chacone, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 58 Thank you.

Speaker 20 And the show has begun.

Speaker 21 Someone just got a real spot at our real club this weekend.

Speaker 119 Sold-out show with Chris DiSteppano.

Speaker 64 That's it.

Speaker 72 How cool is that? Amazing.

Speaker 58 Let's do it, man.

Speaker 61 We're going to stock up the green room for him. We'll get them going.

Speaker 111 Absolutely. Yeah.

Speaker 56 Absolutely. Maybe.

Speaker 103 Make a me too, that kid.

Speaker 66 I know he does have a nice fat ass.

Speaker 25 That's a meat trace.

Speaker 3 Or me too.

Speaker 20 Me dose.

Speaker 65 Okay.

Speaker 40 Ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

Speaker 20 To the bucket we go.

Speaker 50 Your first bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 37 This is where we meet someone all together.

Speaker 20 Anything can happen.

Speaker 37 Could make them a star.

Speaker 121 They could embarrass themselves.

Speaker 20 They could be great.

Speaker 37 They could suck.

Speaker 25 Their minute might suck.

Speaker 20 But their interview could be great.

Speaker 51 Their minute could be great.

Speaker 37 Their interview might suck.

Speaker 20 Ladies and gentlemen, the whole thing is improvised. Anything can happen.
Make some noise for your bucket pull of the night. Emily Wade, everybody, a new minute from Emily Wade.

Speaker 9 What's up, Kill Tony? How are we doing tonight?

Speaker 9 My name's Emily Wade. I'm 26.
My dad's 66. And recently, he married a Ugandan mail order bride who's younger than me.

Speaker 9 Which has been great for my mental health. Let me tell you that

Speaker 9 Which is great for my mental health. Most people go to sleep at night.
They count sheep. They count cows jumping over the moon.
Me?

Speaker 9 I count the amount of times my dad's gotten sloppy from somebody who's still watching SpongeBob on repeat.

Speaker 9 And I come every time. Let me tell you.
He does all this shit for this bitch that he never did for me. He paid for her rent.
He paid for her car. He paid for her college.

Speaker 9 I had to drop out twice because I couldn't afford to go back to school. If I had known that's all it would take,

Speaker 9 I'd have sucked the fuck out of my dad's dick years ago. Talk about a full fucking ride.

Speaker 9 Now, don't worry, my dad knows I do that joke. He actually came up to me after my set.
He goes, Emily, I just want you to know everything you said tonight is absolutely true.

Speaker 9 How would you feel about going back to college?

Speaker 9 And I'm excited to announce I'll be starting at YouTube.

Speaker 30 Okay, the bear has come out, a full set, and then some from Emily Wade.

Speaker 89 Hello, Emily.

Speaker 22 Welcome to the Kill Tony universe.

Speaker 123 How do you feel after that?

Speaker 9 You know, I shouldn't have stopped for 10 seconds, but it is what it is.

Speaker 52 You did do that, and there's nothing you can do to change that.

Speaker 25 That is incredible.

Speaker 24 It will live in history, and you're realizing it and still living in it right now.

Speaker 54 I can.

Speaker 50 The same nervousness that happened that made that happen still exists right now to you.

Speaker 17 Oh, I'm in it.

Speaker 29 I love it.

Speaker 54 How long have you been doing stand-up, Emily?

Speaker 9 I've been doing comedy for a year.

Speaker 40 One year.

Speaker 47 Are you from here in Austin?

Speaker 9 I'm originally from Boston. I just moved here from Miami, Florida.

Speaker 87 Boston.

Speaker 39 Originally from Boston.

Speaker 37 You just named two places that nobody likes.

Speaker 125 Congratulations.

Speaker 72 Absolutely amazing.

Speaker 94 Amazing.

Speaker 88 What do you do for a living, Emily?

Speaker 9 I have a stand-up comedy podcast with my best friend called Two Girls, One Blunt Podcast.

Speaker 87 Okay. There you go.

Speaker 25 For those of you that like unbelievable breaks of silence during your podcast, be sure to listen to that one.

Speaker 106 Or you could listen to nothing. It's kind of the same thing.

Speaker 100 Guys, what do you think about Emily?

Speaker 16 I actually, Emily, I thought the most important part of your set, and I'm not being funny, I thought the most important part of it.

Speaker 126 We know.

Speaker 58 You know?

Speaker 58 Let me tell you something.

Speaker 127 Let me tell you something.

Speaker 105 This guy calls me 30 minutes ago, goes, I'm in a jam.

Speaker 59 Can you please come down there for the show?

Speaker 22 I did not say I'm in a jam.

Speaker 59 You said you're in a pickle.

Speaker 97 But that was up your ass.

Speaker 81 Come down, you shit all over me.

Speaker 58 I mean, it's what the fuck.

Speaker 127 Joe, we're 10 minutes into the podcast.

Speaker 75 You can't have a whole meltdown already.

Speaker 76 Oh, this is in the whole one.

Speaker 107 A fun fact, for those of you, there's no way you could know, but Joe and I drink together a few nights a week, and we have an outrageous amount of fun.

Speaker 126 Yes, yeah.

Speaker 128 Are we going to drink tonight? A little bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 44 Makes up for

Speaker 56 all the hurt. All the hurt goes away.

Speaker 5 Oh, the bar.

Speaker 70 No, I was going to say this.

Speaker 112 I actually thought the most important part of your set was when you did stop.

Speaker 112 No, I'm serious. I'm very serious.

Speaker 73 Because it was you going, fuck.

Speaker 112 And you were like, nope, fuck. We're at.

Speaker 16 And you took a minute for your, or 10 seconds for yourself.

Speaker 48 And that's important.

Speaker 74 You'll go, as you grow as a comic, you'll learn how to do that and not show it as much to the audience.

Speaker 128 But that's important that you had that comfort level, you can call it nervousness, whatever, that you were able to go, you know what? No, fuck it.

Speaker 94 Hold on. Give me a second.
I gotta, whatever.

Speaker 128 I don't know. I thought that was good.

Speaker 67 And I think you have

Speaker 14 go ahead, clutch.

Speaker 111 Wow.

Speaker 73 And I also think that you have great premises. And this is advice somebody gave me once, and it changed the way I rode.

Speaker 98 You have great premises.

Speaker 61 Yeah, the advice Joe got, and then he stopped doing comedy and opened up his sandwich shop.

Speaker 57 So that was the advice.

Speaker 17 That was the advice.

Speaker 57 They were like, please do something else.

Speaker 61 They're like, you know what? You would be better at?

Speaker 127 Cold cuts.

Speaker 9 I am this close to opening a hot dog stand. Fucking try me.

Speaker 66 I honestly, I honestly.

Speaker 66 Perfect. I honestly, Emily, I thought, I thought, one year you've been doing it?

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 61 Yeah, I think like that, it's amazing for you to even come up and be able to do this.

Speaker 61 and then to to recover you know after you stop in recovery it was amazing and i just you know i really think you're awesome and me you know me and your dad would love to hang out with you after this

Speaker 9 i'm trying to get into ut austin so let's go let's do it

Speaker 16 no but i was gonna say do you have these great premises with this real story don't go for don't go for the shock value not true punchlines like explore the truth of it and there's a lot of really funny shit in there you know what's crazy everybody says that but i'm a 12-year-old boy at heart, and I think about sex all the time.

Speaker 9 So, like, is that not my truth?

Speaker 70 With

Speaker 73 your dad, that might be a problem.

Speaker 42 What?

Speaker 17 Whoa, I don't know.

Speaker 81 We can't get too deep on it.

Speaker 59 Jesus.

Speaker 11 I got hard and soft at the same time there.

Speaker 38 I'm a 12-year-old boy, and then what a crash after that.

Speaker 96 Yeah, people tell you that.

Speaker 37 Comedians tell you that, is what you're saying.

Speaker 54 Yes, sir.

Speaker 39 Comedians that are a lot more experienced than you and wildly successful, probably.

Speaker 26 Yes. Yeah, so I would listen to them.

Speaker 9 Maybe there's some truth to it.

Speaker 40 So let's talk real for a second about this Ugandan woman that your father is.

Speaker 9 Yeah, my stepmother.

Speaker 134 That's your stepmother. They got married.

Speaker 87 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 98 Is she

Speaker 9 hot?

Speaker 23 Yes.

Speaker 94 She's a hot, very black woman.

Speaker 9 Yeah, very thick. My dad's a chubby chaser.
He loves to overshare. He's always like, Emily, I love thick booty bitches.
They called me a chubby chaser.

Speaker 9 I was like, dad, why didn't they just call you a f ⁇ it? Like normal kids.

Speaker 68 There it is.

Speaker 43 That's an interesting f ⁇ et drop there.

Speaker 121 I like to save a good fit for a good

Speaker 90 time.

Speaker 69 I don't know why chasing a thick girl would make him a f ⁇ ing.

Speaker 61 Here? Is your mom, stepmom, and dad here?

Speaker 9 In the country?

Speaker 61 Well, like,

Speaker 61 they didn't come to watch you.

Speaker 9 No, they did not come to watch me, unfortunately.

Speaker 128 This woman would rather stay in a Ugandan village than watch me comedy

Speaker 9 so she lives here now oh she does okay yep she moved in with my dad no he paid for her visa too for a visa okay wow okay yeah but that's nice so he seems like a good guy

Speaker 9 yeah I wish he gave me more except for you know abandonment issues but here we are right well well you got to take what you can get

Speaker 41 So what was it like when your dad brought home Aunt Jemima for the first time?

Speaker 38 Oh, what do you mean?

Speaker 90 It's a black woman.

Speaker 131 What show do you think you went to tonight?

Speaker 36 What do you want me to bring out Jimmy Fallon right now? Yeah.

Speaker 59 Huh? You want to hear a 10-minute monologue from Jimmy Fallon?

Speaker 41 And let me do my fucking Aunt Jemima reference.

Speaker 137 How'd you feel?

Speaker 9 Can you ask a question again?

Speaker 37 No, it is really. There was no, I just wanted to do that joke.

Speaker 92 It's not a real answer.

Speaker 104 It's fine. What was the joke?

Speaker 55 Go ahead.

Speaker 95 What was the joke?

Speaker 9 Well, he said, no, it's fine. You can't explain a joke.
That's fucking gay.

Speaker 27 Why not?

Speaker 25 Well, what's amazing is that you're so white.

Speaker 98 You're like this, like, angelic, like doll type of like, like, white trash doll.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 My dad does live in a trailer.

Speaker 43 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 51 Wow, with a Ugandan.

Speaker 9 With a Ugandan. She moved out because it wasn't nice enough for her.

Speaker 100 So he bought her a visa.

Speaker 123 Wait, she moved. Hold on.

Speaker 110 She moved out of the, where did she go?

Speaker 9 I mean, she started in a mud hut. She moved to a trailer and she's like, no, I need a high rise.

Speaker 87 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 135 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 41 Well, Emily, congratulations.

Speaker 39 You got the show started out of the bucket.

Speaker 27 Here's a little joke book.

Speaker 27 Oh, wow.

Speaker 106 That was amazing.

Speaker 36 It almost went in Joe's can of liquid death.

Speaker 22 There she goes, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 29 Emily Wade.

Speaker 37 And it has begun.

Speaker 20 You get it. Good job, man.
Anything can happen.

Speaker 33 Someone could make it on this show.

Speaker 40 Or

Speaker 20 what you just saw could happen to you. You could go silent.

Speaker 28 The pressure can get to these people.

Speaker 138 What comes to mind when you picture the perfect roommate?

Speaker 138 One who comes when you call, one who doesn't forget to lock the doors, maybe one who doesn't steal your milk, just a little bit at a time, hoping that you won't notice.

Speaker 138 At apartments.com, they understand that when it comes to roommates, a pet can be your best bet. They're easygoing, they eat what you serve them, and they never clog the toilet.

Speaker 138 And that's why apartments.com has the most pet-friendly rental listings on the internet. And with instant alerts, you'll know the moment that your perfect pet-friendly place becomes available.

Speaker 138 Apartments.com has so many features like 3D virtual tours, the ability to save your favorite apartments, and with over a million places to rent, you are absolutely going to find the right place for you.

Speaker 138 Apartments.com knows that moving can be stressful, but by giving you options, filtered searches, and more, they can help take away some of that stress.

Speaker 138 When I need a new apartment, I will definitely need a pet-friendly choice.

Speaker 138 So, if you guys need a place that's pet-friendly and human-tolerant, check out apartments.com, the place to find your pet-friendly place. Thanks, apartments.com for sponsoring the podcast.

Speaker 10 Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

Speaker 140 I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

Speaker 58 He's going the distance.

Speaker 7 He was the highest-paid TV star of all time.

Speaker 141 When it started to change, it was quick.

Speaker 4 He kept saying, No, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Speaker 142 Now, Charlie's sober.

Speaker 4 He's gonna tell you the truth.

Speaker 140 How do I present this with any class?

Speaker 141 I think we're past that, Charlie. We're past that, yeah.

Speaker 112 Somebody call action.

Speaker 142 Yeah, aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Speaker 143 If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, think golder because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here.

Speaker 143 Made for your chicken favorites at Participate in McDonald's for limited time.

Speaker 20 Make some noise for your next bucket pull.

Speaker 77 A brand new minute from Chris Reese, everybody. Chris Reese.

Speaker 132 So I was thinking the other day, just pondering, thinking to myself, were there any retarded kids on Epstein Island?

Speaker 13 Like, do you think there's retarded kids on Epstein Island?

Speaker 66 Yeah?

Speaker 13 And can I ask you another question?

Speaker 13 Do you think it's better to molest the normal kid or a retarded kid?

Speaker 64 You don't have an answer?

Speaker 135 Pussy.

Speaker 120 I'll tell you, because there is a right answer.

Speaker 112 It's retarded kid for sure.

Speaker 61 You agree?

Speaker 112 It's retarded, kid, for two reasons.

Speaker 132 Reason number one, they're too goofy to testify.

Speaker 57 Where'd he touch you?

Speaker 63 I like fire trucks.

Speaker 13 And reason number two,

Speaker 63 a lot more drool.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 13 I don't know if you ever fuck dry kid hole, but it's annoying.

Speaker 2 Holy shit.

Speaker 125 Chris Rees.

Speaker 89 I feel like all that material was written by you trying to actually like molest kids.

Speaker 14 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 106 Okay, wow.

Speaker 61 You got to do the research.

Speaker 61 Wow.

Speaker 11 Holy shit. How are you, Chris?

Speaker 39 You've been on this show before.

Speaker 120 Yeah, I've done the show a couple times.

Speaker 64 I've been doing good lately.

Speaker 88 Yeah.

Speaker 144 I'm 25.

Speaker 24 25. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 146 Seven years.

Speaker 36 Seven years.

Speaker 87 Wow.

Speaker 39 So you started when you were 18?

Speaker 93 Were you ever molested?

Speaker 68 Oh, we've talked about this a couple times.

Speaker 95 Hell yeah.

Speaker 94 Really? Goddamn right.

Speaker 120 Molested and proud.

Speaker 58 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 87 Wow.

Speaker 13 I'm one of those retarded kids I was talking about.

Speaker 106 Yeah, it seems like it.

Speaker 111 Unbelievable.

Speaker 89 I don't remember our molestation talks.

Speaker 46 I thought it was a risk asking that question.

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Well, we talked about it.

Speaker 132 It just got really sad.

Speaker 38 Okay.

Speaker 46 All right. Why did it get sad?

Speaker 34 I don't know.

Speaker 27 Was it sad?

Speaker 101 No.

Speaker 49 No, you like it.

Speaker 13 Yeah, I was having fun since I got molested.

Speaker 135 Right, exactly.

Speaker 52 You enjoyed it.

Speaker 34 I was jerking him off. I'm like, yes.

Speaker 87 All right, Chris.

Speaker 126 All right, Chris. Settle down.
Tony,

Speaker 71 where does comedy go from here?

Speaker 81 What's happening?

Speaker 74 I'm fucking my dad. Molesting retarded kids.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 12 I remember a guy would come out and talk about tide.

Speaker 127 Yeah.

Speaker 17 Something.

Speaker 61 I feel like we're all going to get subpoenaed one day for like people are like admitting crimes.

Speaker 50 You got the peanut part right.

Speaker 126 That's true.

Speaker 3 That's true.

Speaker 107 So Chris, tell us more.

Speaker 23 What are you doing for work? What's going on with your life?

Speaker 13 I live in San Marcus and I'm a cook at the torchies right now.

Speaker 87 Wow. Holy shit.
All right. Yep.
Okay.

Speaker 147 So halfway Halfway to hell.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 39 This is incredible.

Speaker 79 What do you love about your life?

Speaker 40 What do you do for fun other than stand-up?

Speaker 34 What do I love about my life?

Speaker 135 Other than stand-up?

Speaker 23 I don't really like the stand-up part that much.

Speaker 95 Why don't you like that? I don't know.

Speaker 120 I live with my best friend.

Speaker 144 Hold on.

Speaker 39 Tell us about what you just said. Why don't you like the stand-up part that much?

Speaker 148 It's just too many fucking weirdos, dude.

Speaker 66 You're one of them.

Speaker 37 That's why. You mean there's too many people trying?

Speaker 100 The scene is overwhelmed with a lot of people.

Speaker 24 So the open mics aren't quite as open as they once were.

Speaker 114 You've been here for a bit, right?

Speaker 100 A few years.

Speaker 88 Where are you originally from?

Speaker 13 I'm from Tacoma, Washington.

Speaker 39 And how long have you been in Texas?

Speaker 120 I moved here about four years ago.

Speaker 88 Okay.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 52 So you've watched the explosion.

Speaker 6 And what you're talking about is that, what, you get less spots?

Speaker 92 How does this affect you?

Speaker 13 Oh, no, it's just too many people. I don't like being around a lot of people who have social anxiety, I guess.

Speaker 77 Well, you picked the right industry for that.

Speaker 120 For sure.

Speaker 70 It's tough. There is a lot of competition.

Speaker 129 You got to do things to stand out.

Speaker 70 So I would suggest showering.

Speaker 17 He's got good hair.

Speaker 149 Oh, thank you. I like it.

Speaker 61 It is.

Speaker 112 I mean, it doesn't look clean, but that's kind of like a look.

Speaker 72 Oh, yeah. You know, right?

Speaker 100 Lean into it, dude.

Speaker 67 Lean into it. Lean into it.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 88 I won't take showers anymore, dude.

Speaker 150 Yeah, dude. Fuck it.

Speaker 61 What's the difference?

Speaker 13 The most handsome guy on the stage is telling me.

Speaker 12 You want to take showers. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 83 To the kids, yeah.

Speaker 149 How old is your roommate?

Speaker 120 How old is my roommate?

Speaker 95 He's like 32.

Speaker 120 He works here. It's Adam Lucky.

Speaker 18 Oh, okay. Yeah, we know Adam very well.

Speaker 108 Okay, so what do you guys do for fun?

Speaker 39 You love being his roommate so much.

Speaker 88 You guys play video games?

Speaker 57 I watch him play video games.

Speaker 120 We watch movies all the time.

Speaker 39 You guys smoke pot together?

Speaker 13 No, I don't smoke pot.

Speaker 64 You don't?

Speaker 43 You look like that?

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 100 That's amazing.

Speaker 129 Anyway, you saying I watch him play video games was creepier than the retarded kid show.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 11 Sober, too.

Speaker 52 You're just sober sitting there just watching him play video games.

Speaker 50 Like, good job.

Speaker 39 That's fucking scary, dude.

Speaker 106 Why are you sober?

Speaker 13 Why am I sober? I just don't smoke weed. I do everything else, pretty much.

Speaker 87 Oh, okay. Wow.
Look at that.

Speaker 145 Amazing.

Speaker 149 Why do you have all the marks? You have like a, you get bit by bugs?

Speaker 95 You have like...

Speaker 120 Oh, I'm a cook, so I burn myself a lot.

Speaker 135 Wow, you burn yourself a lot.

Speaker 43 It's incredible.

Speaker 106 It's amazing. You're intentional.

Speaker 94 You're bad at it.

Speaker 46 It's amazing. Somewhere out there,

Speaker 39 Emily orders some tacos.

Speaker 37 This fucking guy burns himself making them and Enrique picks them up and delivers them.

Speaker 84 What a weird world we're living in where you know the life of your bucket pulls throughout the day.

Speaker 46 All right, Chris. Well, you already have a joke book?

Speaker 25 Okay, well, there he goes. Chris Reese, let's keep it moving along.

Speaker 16 Let's fly through it.

Speaker 20 You guys having fun out there, huh?

Speaker 25 All right, your next comedian's been on before.

Speaker 36 Make some noise for the return.

Speaker 20 A brand new minute from Chen, ladies and gentlemen, the return of Chen.

Speaker 20 We know Chen.

Speaker 148 My friends used to call me gay.

Speaker 66 When I came out as trans,

Speaker 83 They begged me to go back to being gay.

Speaker 147 Apparently, if you suck a dick, it's pretty gay.

Speaker 148 But if you're sucking a dick while wearing a dress, that makes it super gay.

Speaker 57 Sometimes people ask me, hey, are you trans?

Speaker 148 And I will go, yes. But if you guess it wrong, I'll have to fist you.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 147 lastly,

Speaker 106 it's not easy being trans.

Speaker 148 So sometimes I joke with my boyfriend about how much easier it would be for me to transition from a taker to a giver.

Speaker 148 He immediately offered to help me transition from alive to dead.

Speaker 84 Buck yeah, Chen.

Speaker 77 Having the Texas crowd very confused right now.

Speaker 145 I love it. There's nothing people people from Texas love more than

Speaker 52 a trans Eskimo coming up and talking about sucking dicks while wearing dresses.

Speaker 52 Chen, welcome back to the show.

Speaker 90 Yes.

Speaker 37 Good to see you again.

Speaker 39 We see each other a lot around.

Speaker 40 You're always up and down 6th Street.

Speaker 39 And so welcome, welcome.

Speaker 145 You've been on the show multiple times.

Speaker 28 And how is it going?

Speaker 148 I've been doing comedy, but I'm actually also doing a DJing on every Tuesday night shows next door at Shakespeare's.

Speaker 111 Okay.

Speaker 52 What type of music do you play?

Speaker 37 Do you start with like cool manly stuff and then get into female stuff as the night goes on?

Speaker 17 No, I actually have different tracks for different.

Speaker 151 Like, so obviously I have to have all the ethnic stuff, right?

Speaker 148 Like low riders if a Mexican gets on or like

Speaker 43 some of

Speaker 43 how it works.

Speaker 21 Yeah, and just wait to see who walks in.

Speaker 148 Yes, and it's kind of messed up because sometimes I look at the guest of the list of comedians, and then

Speaker 148 it's like suddenly they have a drop-in, and I was just about to hit one ethnic song, and then I was like, nope, not that one.

Speaker 44 Right.

Speaker 50 So, what would you play of these two blatant white guys that look like they holstered their guns in their truck before coming here to this place?

Speaker 25 What would you play if they walked?

Speaker 126 What do we got?

Speaker 131 Centeria?

Speaker 44 Or

Speaker 106 they're both nodding yes.

Speaker 25 They like this idea. You got them.

Speaker 22 They nodded at the same time.

Speaker 97 Yes.

Speaker 95 And the other one would be, depending on how goofy they look, sometimes I play the new Scooby-Doo theme song for them.

Speaker 87 Wow. Wow.

Speaker 82 Look at you.

Speaker 43 Scooby-Dooby-Doo.

Speaker 146 But wait, I don't understand.

Speaker 16 You're saying you play songs when people walk into the bar to snap.

Speaker 148 This is for comedians going up and off stage.

Speaker 49 So like introduction music.

Speaker 5 They do shows at Shakespeare's.

Speaker 63 Yes.

Speaker 66 Oh, I didn't know that. Okay.

Speaker 148 I wish I have a band like this, but sometimes

Speaker 40 I bet you fucking do.

Speaker 145 God damn right. Wouldn't everybody like a band like this?

Speaker 37 Okay, so I get it. So you're playing comedians up.

Speaker 101 You're DJing at the comedy show.

Speaker 39 Yes.

Speaker 52 So you're not doing like DJ sets?

Speaker 88 Not DJ sets.

Speaker 39 Right, so not full songs. I get it.

Speaker 148 Learning about comedy helps because I can do comedic timing with them if they're they're really struggling.

Speaker 25 So what's up with your dick and balls and everything?

Speaker 106 Let's get to the stuff that everybody's wearing.

Speaker 154 Of course.

Speaker 52 I was going to try to make a smooth transition, but you're clearly not.

Speaker 155 So

Speaker 86 let's jump right into it.

Speaker 76 Okay.

Speaker 151 I guess tits are the tits.

Speaker 60 Tits are tits.

Speaker 21 We've had a couple of those on.

Speaker 55 No, no, no, no, not like that.

Speaker 148 I'm saying.

Speaker 25 Enrique and Chris Rees both had tits.

Speaker 100 In fact, everybody's had tits that's been on this stage tonight.

Speaker 148 No, I meant at some point it actually feels better than dick.

Speaker 68 The what?

Speaker 151 At some point, tits do feel better than dick.

Speaker 74 What the fuck are you talking? What do you mean?

Speaker 37 You just transitioned from white to Asian.

Speaker 19 Yeah. Tits feel better than dick.

Speaker 146 Tit better, dick, dot, dick, dick, dick.

Speaker 20 All right, Bobby She, let's get back to it.

Speaker 25 Tits, having tits feels better than having a dick sometimes.

Speaker 22 Is that what you're saying?

Speaker 151 The sensitivity.

Speaker 72 Oh, the sensitivity.

Speaker 27 oh

Speaker 3 you ask a very wise questioner

Speaker 73 i sheath my sword between my legs

Speaker 63 i regain the comedy show

Speaker 127 you can no longer find my kata nana nana na

Speaker 59 by the way

Speaker 74 By the way, hitting play and pause on Spotify on an iPhone as a comic wall.

Speaker 48 That's not DJing.

Speaker 12 Let's not get carried. He's talking like he's fucking Kid Cuddy on fucking right.

Speaker 148 Okay, it's not DJing, but I do use Audacity to make sure. Because, you know, like people comedians get on stage, it only takes like, what, 10 seconds, 15 seconds.

Speaker 69 How do I get to the good part?

Speaker 72 Where people will actually be. You cannot play long time.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 54 Let's get back to the transition thing.

Speaker 37 Somehow we went back to DJing.

Speaker 20 I want to keep moving forward here.

Speaker 60 So what's going on with all that stuff?

Speaker 106 Tim, feel better than Dick.

Speaker 111 What's next?

Speaker 18 Well, I'll, well, I'll, well, okay.

Speaker 151 And I guess when I feel really horny, I do feel like a pressure in the Gucci area.

Speaker 58 Tell us more about that.

Speaker 36 Everybody here wants to know.

Speaker 89 The Santeria guys are vomiting in their cups right now.

Speaker 72 What the fuck is this show, bro?

Speaker 18 This is fucking disgusting, goddammit.

Speaker 61 Have your, have your, are your parents still alive or have they honor-killed killed themselves?

Speaker 73 They have transitioned to dead

Speaker 151 Well my biological father haven't been re returning my texts right and my Wow that tracks and my my mom wants to me to be normal

Speaker 149 Whatever normal means and she wants my hair on a platter for her birthday, which I think no normal is you don't don't are you a guy wait are you born a male or a female?

Speaker 61 Because you're one of those trans I don't know which way when

Speaker 73 I'm trying to figure out did you go male to female female to male.

Speaker 12 I respect both your choices, but I just don't know

Speaker 64 It's male to female male to female. Okay, cool, because you're kind of in between.

Speaker 118 Yeah,

Speaker 49 but I respect it.

Speaker 73 I know, hey, that I like that shit. So

Speaker 61 you have, you know what I mean? I've never thought I'd meet the trans Mulan.

Speaker 66 And

Speaker 61 this is what Disney wants. This is what they get.
And I support Disney.

Speaker 77 I have a special coming out on Hulu in February.

Speaker 58 So

Speaker 36 100%.

Speaker 116 Yes.

Speaker 23 So how's it going?

Speaker 24 The transition.

Speaker 39 What's the next move for you?

Speaker 41 Dad's leaving you on red.

Speaker 113 I guess in a way I'm looking for other outlets to

Speaker 151 make it seem like it's all worth it, right?

Speaker 148 Because I have to prove to my parents that I can stand on my own, right?

Speaker 151 Right.

Speaker 148 Because there's no other way to convince them I'm dead to them unless I'm somebody, right?

Speaker 106 So it's like...

Speaker 18 No. Yeah.

Speaker 64 You are somebody.

Speaker 61 You're just somebody that put their dick in a Chinese finger trap.

Speaker 44 And

Speaker 151 that's fine. And the harder you pull.

Speaker 75 Yes.

Speaker 73 You know, the craziest part about his transition, this guy used to be white.

Speaker 17 You know, folks.

Speaker 151 I am raised by a white stepfather, if that explains anything.

Speaker 101 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 76 Right.

Speaker 63 What would that explain?

Speaker 151 If I sound white sometimes or like white things, I guess.

Speaker 100 Right. So your mom and dad separated when you were young?

Speaker 148 Yes, when I was three.

Speaker 66 Okay.

Speaker 148 And Chen was my original last name when I was first born into this house.

Speaker 51 You've even

Speaker 36 transitioned names at some point in your life.

Speaker 148 In a way, it's for me to reconnect with my past.

Speaker 87 Okay.

Speaker 87 Very, very good.

Speaker 105 Were you born in China?

Speaker 61 Were you born in China?

Speaker 100 Yes, I was born in Wuhan.

Speaker 66 You weren't really?

Speaker 58 Oh, wow.

Speaker 58 Wow. There it is.

Speaker 58 Wow.

Speaker 46 Wow. Is there anything not wrong with you?

Speaker 11 This guy's like, I've seen enough.

Speaker 72 God damn it, son of a bitch.

Speaker 27 Wow.

Speaker 111 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 28 When did you come here from Wuhan?

Speaker 148 I was born in Wuhan and I grew up in the southern China until I was 10. And then I moved to America and grew up in New Mexico.

Speaker 61 Let me ask you a question. Was your father Dr.
Fauci?

Speaker 61 Did he also make you an album?

Speaker 18 No, no, no.

Speaker 148 He's just a middle management white guy, I guess.

Speaker 52 Okay.

Speaker 43 Wow.

Speaker 67 Well, it's good that you transitioned female here, because they would have killed you for that in China.

Speaker 95 No girls.

Speaker 148 Maybe that's why I require some sort of deception to come out, not get killed first.

Speaker 27 Then.

Speaker 120 Are you a spy?

Speaker 55 No, no, no. No.

Speaker 57 Okay, because I've... You know how to kill female babies?

Speaker 120 Yes. Exactly.
That's what I meant.

Speaker 37 Okay, John.

Speaker 54 Jesus.

Speaker 144 I just wanted to know.

Speaker 40 Okay, Chen.

Speaker 20 You have a joke book already.

Speaker 36 You've been on this show numerous times.

Speaker 108 There goes Chen, everyone. Thank you.

Speaker 72 Keep going, Chen. Good stuff.

Speaker 85 We have a special treat for y'all, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 20 Going up, one of the elite golden ticket winners of the history of the show from Toronto, Canada. Ladies and gentlemen, here's a brand new minute from the great Jared Nathan, everybody.

Speaker 54 Here he is.

Speaker 54 What's up, Mama?

Speaker 54 Hold on, Amazon

Speaker 54 today.

Speaker 54 Look up

Speaker 54 electric.

Speaker 54 I found an

Speaker 54 explosive

Speaker 54 deals

Speaker 54 on

Speaker 54 pages

Speaker 44 and s cell phones

Speaker 44 they only shh

Speaker 44 sh shipped to

Speaker 44 Lebanon.

Speaker 44 I was too scared to call

Speaker 44 customer service.

Speaker 152 Fuck yeah, Jared Nathan.

Speaker 56 That stutter's getting pretty fucking thick and girthy over there, I gotta tell you.

Speaker 81 On with it, Tony.

Speaker 111 Okey-dokey.

Speaker 18 It's a fucking

Speaker 18 current sometimes. I gotta

Speaker 62 swim upstream, you know?

Speaker 83 I think it's great.

Speaker 37 Joe, if you've ever wondered what you're like after the 15 drinks we had at night, that's just like

Speaker 56 what I deal with.

Speaker 58 Tony, whoa, whoa, why are you going home?

Speaker 107 I ever tell you about how much I enjoyed that night in

Speaker 59 Madison Square Garden.

Speaker 103 I sound a lot

Speaker 58 better today.

Speaker 55 Nice.

Speaker 5 I felt every word of that.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 32 Sorry, man.

Speaker 102 Sometimes

Speaker 59 I think people

Speaker 75 need a shower.

Speaker 39 Oh, I thought you were going to say, shut the fuck up right there. I was wrong.
You threw me off.

Speaker 76 I

Speaker 157 switch it up sometimes, motherfucker.

Speaker 43 God damn right.

Speaker 20 God damn right.

Speaker 40 I have the hard R award that you bestowed upon me at Madison Square Garden, which gives me permission, I believe, to say the words what?

Speaker 25 What do I get?

Speaker 35 What does that mean? I never really got.

Speaker 20 Okay, very good.

Speaker 119 Which I freely used before, but now

Speaker 79 I think about you when I do it.

Speaker 41 I feel like I have permission to do it.

Speaker 46 It's sitting with all my other trophies from the amazing many other amazing things that I'm great at.

Speaker 39 And it sits there.

Speaker 158 The Hard R award for you.

Speaker 159 Sometimes it takes more than no one.

Speaker 50 You son of a bitch.

Speaker 40 You son of a bubble bubble

Speaker 58 motherfucker.

Speaker 107 Yes, I am. What's going on, Jared?

Speaker 25 Tell us more about your actual life.

Speaker 23 You enjoying Austin, Texas?

Speaker 57 I'm enjoying Austin, Texas.

Speaker 51 You living here? What are you doing?

Speaker 159 I come here time to time. I'm trying to come in more often.

Speaker 44 I'm

Speaker 159 working on my

Speaker 43 visa? Yep.

Speaker 17 Right now. Uh-huh.

Speaker 159 And I'm trying to.

Speaker 159 Yeah, I want to come in more often.

Speaker 57 I love Austin.

Speaker 39 Canada doesn't let you just do whatever the fuck you want.

Speaker 14 It's a

Speaker 159 time in this country, you know.

Speaker 44 It is.

Speaker 38 It is.

Speaker 11 You're hearing it straight from the source.

Speaker 73 The fucked up thing that happened to me before I came here.

Speaker 92 Tell us.

Speaker 157 I had my fucking

Speaker 159 tricycle stolen.

Speaker 81 Yes, I rode a trike.

Speaker 96 I'm not afraid.

Speaker 52 What kind of trike was this?

Speaker 109 A true tricycle?

Speaker 27 It was a swin!

Speaker 27 Old school.

Speaker 102 True tricycle, four wheels.

Speaker 27 Four wheels? Schwinn!

Speaker 62 It was four wheels?

Speaker 108 One.

Speaker 127 Right. Three wheels, sorry.

Speaker 159 Three wheels. Three wheel, motherfucker, yes.

Speaker 60 So this was in Canada.

Speaker 106 You're out

Speaker 60 riding your tricycle. Yes.

Speaker 51 And where did you park it?

Speaker 40 Where did some slimy Canadian get their hands on your tricycle?

Speaker 52 You were at a school.

Speaker 82 No, I was not at a school.

Speaker 108 Okay, where were you?

Speaker 63 Walk it up.

Speaker 159 We're right behind like a

Speaker 156 parking lot.

Speaker 116 Right behind a

Speaker 159 building that my mom owns.

Speaker 3 Down a what?

Speaker 118 That my mom owns a

Speaker 58 building.

Speaker 103 Jesus Christ. I don't know.

Speaker 39 What the fuck is going on with you tonight?

Speaker 118 Can I mean

Speaker 48 this glass was empty before he started talking?

Speaker 74 Dude, he is fucking working.

Speaker 43 That's crazy.

Speaker 159 My mom owned a building that used to store my bike at, and some ableist motherfuckers

Speaker 102 cut the fucking chain

Speaker 159 and yeah.

Speaker 124 It's probably just a middle school kid.

Speaker 11 It's probably not like a gangster or anything.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 44 Maybe with

Speaker 118 Shorty Rosa.

Speaker 155 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 20 How dare you?

Speaker 58 How dare you?

Speaker 52 What's it like looking at yourself if you had one more chromosome?

Speaker 52 It's amazing, right? You're so close to that. And Joey, you're so close to that.

Speaker 23 I mean, it's unbelievable.

Speaker 20 Look at that.

Speaker 22 It's a before and slightly after.

Speaker 102 Who's worse?

Speaker 121 You know the answer to that

Speaker 65 that's right.

Speaker 20 No doubt about it. No doubt about it.

Speaker 159 No, but

Speaker 102 despite my track meets on

Speaker 162 I've been doing shows all over Canada.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 159 Check it out on Sharon Nathan Comedy.

Speaker 37 Shutting down and serenading comedy.

Speaker 157 Check out my dates and

Speaker 159 oh. Share Nathan Comedy.

Speaker 43 You're a little bit more stuttery and you're a little more retarded than usual.

Speaker 23 I'm going to be honest with you.

Speaker 107 I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 146 You've been kind of sick for a couple days.

Speaker 127 You've been sick. I've been sick.
Just cheese.

Speaker 14 You've been kind of sick.

Speaker 17 Trust them.

Speaker 12 I've never been happier to be in my seat.

Speaker 67 You're getting it all.

Speaker 25 Jared, what the fuck would make you come here if you're sick?

Speaker 72 This is karma.

Speaker 158 This is why your tricycle got stolen, Jared.

Speaker 33 You're out here not caring about others.

Speaker 159 The show always had to go on, you know?

Speaker 91 It doesn't always have to go on.

Speaker 56 You're going to get everybody sick, which is a good thing for the guy in the douchey-gucci hat, but a bad thing for everybody else around us.

Speaker 11 What were your symptoms?

Speaker 92 He wasn't retarded before this, so.

Speaker 21 DeRosa's about to hit a whole new low over here.

Speaker 58 I just...

Speaker 39 been puking and feel like shit so i can't okay okay put the fucking mic in the mic stand jesus share are we gonna switch mics?

Speaker 37 Do we have a mic switch that we can do?

Speaker 118 I'd rather blow Chet than fucking

Speaker 162 Jared put the get out of here.

Speaker 17 You hugged me, too.

Speaker 43 You hugged me.

Speaker 35 We have to make sure people aren't sick from now on, because I guess that's not a thing.

Speaker 101 There he goes.

Speaker 106 Go home, Jared.

Speaker 59 Go home and get better.

Speaker 58 I know he's fucking scared.

Speaker 27 Lord Almighty.

Speaker 20 There is Jared Nathan Spit everywhere. How about a hand to the lovely Heidi? Am I right?

Speaker 45 Just unbelievable.

Speaker 40 Is that a new mic or the same one?

Speaker 162 Oh, it's clean.

Speaker 20 She's wiping it all off. How about another hand for Heidi, everybody?

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Speaker 165 Olivia loves a challenge. It's why she lifts heavy weights.

Speaker 165 and likes complicated recipes.

Speaker 165 But for booking her trip to Paris, Olivia chose the easy way with Expedia. She bundled her flight with a hotel to save more.
Of course, she still climbed all 674 steps to the top of the Ivy Tower.

Speaker 165 You were made to take the easy route. We were made to easily package your trip.
Expedia, made to travel. Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.

Speaker 20 All right, your next comedian out of the bucket. One word name, that's always fun.
Let's see what happens here.

Speaker 133 The comedy stylings of Sol, everybody.

Speaker 158 Soul.

Speaker 25 S-O-U-L.

Speaker 166 What's up, Kiltoni? If Jared didn't give you all COVID, I'm here to make sure it sticks.

Speaker 166 Shit, is he okay on this mic?

Speaker 116 I appreciate it.

Speaker 166 Any adoptees in the house?

Speaker 166 Joe, I know. Okay.
Yeah, that's what happens when you fail the SAT. I got a 2400.
I was three years old. I thought that shit was pretty good.

Speaker 166 Not good enough for Asian parents.

Speaker 103 Fuck that, man.

Speaker 166 Ship your ass to America. You know, the only people that can afford you, white people.
Thank you, Bob and Donna.

Speaker 166 Any white people that grab Bob and Donna? Thank you, man. Thank you.
Ah, shit. We'll eat anything, man.

Speaker 166 So when you think about the bedroom ladies, ladies get with the nation, I don't care what you think about our fucking small dick stereotype. My people eat dogs.
I'll tear a little kitty up.

Speaker 57 So, you know, like, we'll do whatever it takes.

Speaker 166 Fuck that. It's not always like fresh.
Fellas, it's not HEB. You know, sometimes it's discount, bottom row, sushi.
So I keep soy sauce packets in my pocket just to flavor it up.

Speaker 43 I'm cool. I'm an American, damn it.

Speaker 166 Soy sauce and ranch.

Speaker 116 Whatever.

Speaker 115 See, I'll eat that cat. Thank you, I'll kill Tony.

Speaker 30 Seoul.

Speaker 77 Incredible to see.

Speaker 46 How are you doing, Tony? You're going to be twice in the same night.

Speaker 25 You went backstage, got a haircut in your back.

Speaker 37 It's Chen, everybody.

Speaker 50 Chen.

Speaker 77 Chen has decided to please her father.

Speaker 50 You've chosen the right path.

Speaker 43 I'm a real boy, Tony. I'm not.

Speaker 44 I'm not changing.

Speaker 77 Fuck with the racist Chinese music, guys.

Speaker 91 Oh, it's you now.

Speaker 26 You guys switched.

Speaker 89 The racism up here.

Speaker 83 So how are you today?

Speaker 89 No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Speaker 41 I'm kidding.

Speaker 107 Saul, you've been on this show before.

Speaker 23 I remember your face.

Speaker 166 Yes, sir. We've met outside the show, but I've followed you guys since HEB Arena New Year's.
I live in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, but I come and use my VA benefit very well.

Speaker 115 Drive up here.

Speaker 34 Which army? Vietnam?

Speaker 34 What branch of the military were you?

Speaker 166 Fucking vaccinated Americans. No, I was in the Chair Force.
Air Force.

Speaker 111 Air Force. Shout out to you.

Speaker 17 Ah, real soldier over there.

Speaker 74 Kamikaze.

Speaker 52 What did you do in the Air Force? Remind us.

Speaker 3 Oh, no, I've never been on the show.

Speaker 166 You've just always seen me out and about because I've been following you to every

Speaker 166 arena show that I could with Sarge.

Speaker 119 So great.

Speaker 158 So what did you do in the Air Force?

Speaker 166 Customer service. I worked at Chow Hall.

Speaker 166 What? They called a dining facility, to be politically correct. I just served fried rice.

Speaker 88 Okey-dokey.

Speaker 111 What do you do for work now, Sol?

Speaker 166 When I'm out here, I'll rent a rideshare car and I'll drive people around. So I'm at the Austin airport 25 times a week.

Speaker 78 Driver that everybody hates to pull up to.

Speaker 59 Quit canceling your ride.

Speaker 112 I just noticed your southern accent, too. I thought it was Asian the whole time, and then I was like, oh, no, that's a southern.

Speaker 67 You have a little draw.

Speaker 129 I just noticed it.

Speaker 166 It just, I'm a chameleon. I've been traveling so much, but you know, South Korean.

Speaker 43 I don't know. South Korean.

Speaker 167 Oh, that's why it's Seoul. Exactly.
It's Seoul, like

Speaker 27 a lot of urban rooms, too.

Speaker 48 When you said a guy named Seoul, I thought a black guy was going to be a good one.

Speaker 59 That's what I thought.

Speaker 166 so did i yeah but it's i don't use my government name i don't right yeah

Speaker 145 okay why not why why not just out of curiosity you're you don't like the government you don't trust them it's north korea

Speaker 166 no i just don't use it just um you know like now that i'm out of the military i can use it it's it's eric shun on imdb the shun family okay all right jesus christ soul just answer the questions like directly sorry tee it's okay so what do you do for work when you're in gatlinburg Tennessee?

Speaker 80 What keeps you in Gatlinburg?

Speaker 166 I mean, my mom and dad are still alive, but they're in their upper 70s, so I'm a caretaker, not by choice.

Speaker 43 Okay, adorable.

Speaker 166 Boomerang kids. What? Boomerang generation.
Like after my military, I retired, but I still go back there, drive for them.

Speaker 88 That's how bad it is.

Speaker 166 They have me as a driver.

Speaker 109 There it is again.

Speaker 168 Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Speaker 84 So your parents are old. You're taking care of them.

Speaker 41 You're driving them around.

Speaker 69 You're doing this. You're doing that.
What else do you do?

Speaker 88 What do you do for fun to relax?

Speaker 86 Like a guilty pleasure for you?

Speaker 166 I mean, I'm never like a feature performer, but I'm always helping comics. Like this

Speaker 166 last gang fest, I drove Jamar neighbors artwork down to Las Vegas. I mean, anytime it's comedy-related, my uh,

Speaker 166 you know, just comics of every variety, if I can do anything for them.

Speaker 112 42. 42.

Speaker 88 You have any kids?

Speaker 166 No, no.

Speaker 147 How come?

Speaker 88 What happened? Freedom.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 66 The women pull out.

Speaker 60 That's by choice?

Speaker 25 Do you have a girlfriend?

Speaker 150 No.

Speaker 80 No. No.

Speaker 43 And

Speaker 166 once the 20 minutes is over, the happy ending is over.

Speaker 15 That's it. Okay.

Speaker 51 You've never been married?

Speaker 166 No. Well, I was, yeah.
Back when I was Air Force.

Speaker 37 You're a tough interview, soul.

Speaker 31 These are pretty easy questions.

Speaker 166 It was 2002. We were together for 06, and then we were separated the rest of the time.

Speaker 43 What happened? 2010.

Speaker 56 What happened with it?

Speaker 166 I was pursuing entertainment. So, anyone, entertainment, you pursue entertainment full-time.

Speaker 36 So, I don't understand what you're talking about. Yeah.

Speaker 48 What do you mean?

Speaker 112 No, you got divorced over personal entertainment.

Speaker 128 Is that what you said?

Speaker 131 No, because she said I was.

Speaker 63 Don't go, no.

Speaker 59 Like, I'm the fucking asshole.

Speaker 127 Right. Because I can't follow what the fuck you're talking about.

Speaker 166 You know, she said my choice of career, even though I was military and I had that steady reserve check,

Speaker 166 you know, I was just a loose candidate. It wasn't providing security.

Speaker 129 Really, you seem like a real stable pick.

Speaker 52 What did she do for work?

Speaker 139 She, um,

Speaker 166 easy. She was working at the airport.

Speaker 51 She was working at the airport.

Speaker 113 Yeah.

Speaker 145 What was she doing at the airport?

Speaker 166 She was working customer service. This was 06.

Speaker 43 Customer service. Okay.

Speaker 152 Yeah, a lot of customer service. I try to regress.

Speaker 166 I suppress memories.

Speaker 114 Okay.

Speaker 98 Yes.

Speaker 166 Of exes.

Speaker 108 You gambling man? You like to gamble?

Speaker 49 You look like you're not good at it, but I'm going to down down and play dice all day.

Speaker 37 In the squatting position, not fully seated, but bent all.

Speaker 125 Yes, exactly.

Speaker 43 No, I play roulette.

Speaker 166 I play, I lose a roulette. I'm always betting on black.

Speaker 82 Okay.

Speaker 132 Anything else interesting about your life before I let you go?

Speaker 52 You're one of the hardest interviews of the history of the show.

Speaker 53 I'm sorry, Tony.

Speaker 39 You've mentally prepared for this forever.

Speaker 67 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 166 I mean, I'm trying to find my birth mom.

Speaker 149 So

Speaker 59 I won't use a platform like

Speaker 26 Where do you think your birth mom is?

Speaker 166 Probably on Facebook blocking me.

Speaker 166 Like, the only information I have is that my dad died in...

Speaker 166 I was born in March. He died in December.
I've got her name, and I've got my name and my sister's name. So the white people that bought us, they kept us together.

Speaker 72 Incredible. They're good people.

Speaker 37 You're trying to find your moms, and at the same time, you do not want to give your actual name.

Speaker 80 What a conundrum we find ourselves in.

Speaker 166 No, it's Jun Kama Myung Su. I'm so American.
Jung.

Speaker 25 Yeah, totally easy to spell.

Speaker 166 We got it. That's why I go by Sol.

Speaker 36 In fact, your mom's here now.

Speaker 83 Let's bring her up. Where is she at? Do we have her?

Speaker 36 Is there an Asian woman here?

Speaker 56 Okay, Sol, we're going to get you out of here.

Speaker 55 Welcome to the show.

Speaker 132 And here, my friend, is a little joke book for you.

Speaker 55 There you go.

Speaker 30 How about a hand for Sol, everybody?

Speaker 20 Sol, sign up again. Come back.

Speaker 169 Fucking prepare.

Speaker 20 and fucking be honest during the interview.

Speaker 86 Everybody wants to make a joke or fucking be silly, but if you're gonna do that, you gotta give us something.

Speaker 53 Let's see how this goes.

Speaker 37 Ladies and gentlemen, a new minute from Drew Santana. This looks like a new name, Drew Santana.

Speaker 45 What's up?

Speaker 139 This is uh, this is fun. Uh, I saw this.
Uh, I saw this tranny walking uh 6th Street earlier. She actually uh tripped over a dick.

Speaker 139 Uh

Speaker 139 yeah, she uh she tripped over, uh she scraped up her lady penis, she bruised up her big fake titties. Uh women, am I right?

Speaker 139 Yeah.

Speaker 101 I think it's really ironic how black people call their cars whips.

Speaker 139 I'd never like pull up with the homies in my taxes. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 139 It's a little on the nose.

Speaker 155 All right, Drew Santana.

Speaker 11 Man, you had that whips joke the whole time, and you started with that weird tranny trip on a dick thing.

Speaker 65 Hello.

Speaker 50 Hello. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 139 It's probably eight, ten months now.

Speaker 80 Eight, ten months now. Where are you from?

Speaker 101 I'm from Denver, Denver, Colorado.

Speaker 52 You still live there?

Speaker 139 I live here now. I just moved out here.

Speaker 40 What made you move to Austin, Texas?

Speaker 139 The comedy. Right.

Speaker 169 This whole thing.

Speaker 52 How do you make a living, Drew?

Speaker 139 26.

Speaker 92 Okay, what do you do for work?

Speaker 139 The other night I went out miming.

Speaker 37 Really? You know how to mime?

Speaker 139 It was an off-the-cuff thing.

Speaker 36 How many of you guys want to see a mimer?

Speaker 20 Give me some mime music.

Speaker 46 It's my music, everybody.

Speaker 37 Oh shit. Oh, he's got...

Speaker 56 Oh my god. Whoa.

Speaker 37 For those of you just listening to the podcast,

Speaker 1 I believe he's

Speaker 39 heading a gerbil of some kind.

Speaker 153 Actually, don't know

Speaker 20 what's happening at all. It might be a Nintendo Switch.

Speaker 111 Oh.

Speaker 125 Oh, he's...

Speaker 139 Alright.

Speaker 25 Alright, is this getting somewhere, Drew?

Speaker 56 Oh, don't fuck with the cool black guy.

Speaker 52 Oh, he assumed the cool black guy would want to play destroying.

Speaker 25 Okay, Drew, that's enough.

Speaker 20 That's the dumbest shit I've ever seen. Literally anybody can do that.

Speaker 72 Barely miming at all.

Speaker 57 Joe. I can't.

Speaker 70 You have a beautiful gift inside of you,

Speaker 112 which is doubly shocking that it's miming miming because you look like Satan.

Speaker 43 You literally look like the devil.

Speaker 16 And I can't believe that you're able to mime like that.

Speaker 68 That's really incredible.

Speaker 135 Thank you. I appreciate it.

Speaker 57 Well, you do.

Speaker 95 You kind of have like a Ted Bundy vibe, right?

Speaker 55 A little bit? Yeah.

Speaker 61 But it's good, like a new one, you know?

Speaker 139 Yeah, the low-hanging fruit is I look scary and gay, like a gay vampire. Yeah.
You know, HPV Lovecraft.

Speaker 110 Do you have like, do you have dark thoughts sometimes?

Speaker 52 You look like you have dark thoughts.

Speaker 39 I think that's what we all agree on.

Speaker 71 You look like you think about doing bad things all the time.

Speaker 123 Stark thoughts.

Speaker 70 Yeah, you look like you'll only sign a cell phone contract in blood.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 24 What do you do for fun? Let's start there.

Speaker 139 Hanging out with friends, hitting open mics.

Speaker 84 What do you do with your friends?

Speaker 131 Try to make each other laugh.

Speaker 137 That's always a good time.

Speaker 4 Smoking weed, that's classic.

Speaker 23 Do Do you smoke actual weed or just mind joints?

Speaker 73 Yes, yes.

Speaker 5 And do you have actual friends?

Speaker 44 Or are they just

Speaker 43 also

Speaker 64 mind friends?

Speaker 106 Is anything real?

Speaker 139 It's all imaginary.

Speaker 91 Okay, what's your love life like?

Speaker 39 Who do you have tied up to your studio apartment right now?

Speaker 139 Well, obviously, I don't know her name.

Speaker 49 Nice.

Speaker 21 All right, but seriously, how's that going for you?

Speaker 151 You into that at all?

Speaker 139 Yeah, you know, I'm trying to. There's the issue.

Speaker 139 Yeah, I don't, I'm like a deer in headlights with women. You know, like, I just, I don't do well.
Like, you're, you're looking at me. I don't know how I'm having this conversation right now.

Speaker 139 Like, I would, I'm normally, like, it's.

Speaker 43 Wait, you're talking about her?

Speaker 89 You're like, you're looking at me, you're talking to her?

Speaker 25 You're like shy because a woman's looking at you?

Speaker 139 Yeah, this is, normally I freeze and I can't talk when a pretty girl makes eye contact.

Speaker 94 It's a lot.

Speaker 46 This is very exciting.

Speaker 48 Drew, I gotta tell you, they probably don't feel loose and comfortable with you either.

Speaker 76 Yeah.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 84 Let's see if we can, this is a little segment that we like to call break an incel, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 20 Can we get Heidi up here? Can we get the lovely Heidi here?

Speaker 80 Oh, no.

Speaker 20 It's a very special segment.

Speaker 20 No big deal. Just one of the most beautiful women imaginable on planet Earth.
Just an absolute bundle of perfection right in front of you.

Speaker 52 Look directly in her eyes, Drew.

Speaker 40 Drew, keep eye contact.

Speaker 39 Drew, just lock eyes.

Speaker 40 How do you feel right now, Drew?

Speaker 139 I really have to pee.

Speaker 56 Oh, great opening line, Drew.

Speaker 20 Someone's getting wet down there, and it's going to be you, Drew.

Speaker 28 Drew's about to piss his pants, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 111 Okay, Drew, look her in the eyes, Drew.

Speaker 46 I know you want to fix the mic stand nervously right now.

Speaker 40 Tell us some of the feelings going through your mind right now as you look at a stunning woman.

Speaker 39 Keep eye contact with her while saying the things.

Speaker 139 I panic, run. I don't have any money.
I just

Speaker 52 piss yourself, Drew.

Speaker 56 Piss yourself right now.

Speaker 53 We want to see the squatch.

Speaker 41 Okay, give us an idea of what an opening line with Heidi.

Speaker 78 Heidi, why don't you open things up?

Speaker 52 I always like you.

Speaker 39 You're so conversational.

Speaker 25 You see a guy like this this on the street.

Speaker 121 What do you say to a stud like this?

Speaker 23 Grab DeRosa's microphone here.

Speaker 39 I don't want you to share one with all these sick retards up here tonight.

Speaker 69 Okay, Heidi, you're going to give him a shot and you say...

Speaker 7 Do you need a dollar or something?

Speaker 51 Oh, Heidi, be nice.

Speaker 89 Come on, start nice.

Speaker 125 Come on.

Speaker 90 Heidi's a fucking cold-blooded assassin.

Speaker 50 She was raised around us wolves here.

Speaker 139 Uh, uh, no, but I do need your number.

Speaker 76 Uh, whoa,

Speaker 18 baby.

Speaker 72 Come on, dude.

Speaker 50 Straight to the number.

Speaker 34 Okay, let's try another round. Here we go.

Speaker 50 Round two of what the fuck is going on.

Speaker 51 Heidi says a nice line, and you react in any way. Heidi.

Speaker 136 How's your day going?

Speaker 73 Come on, dude.

Speaker 61 Think a line from your favorite movie. Go, how about this? It likes it when you put the lotion in the basket.

Speaker 136 It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets.

Speaker 25 Back to it. She asks you the

Speaker 55 number in my phone.

Speaker 106 Okay, Drew, relax.

Speaker 118 You can mind me your phone.

Speaker 90 Okay, everybody, relax. Everybody, relax.
Okay.

Speaker 113 Drew, she asks you, how's your day going?

Speaker 66 Better now that I'm talking to you.

Speaker 170 How about you?

Speaker 169 How's your day going?

Speaker 7 You're welcome.

Speaker 48 My day's going great.

Speaker 105 So far, so good.

Speaker 126 Yeah, oh.

Speaker 158 Holy shit, Drew.

Speaker 39 This is unbelievable.

Speaker 132 Heidi, say something else easy and nice to him.

Speaker 92 Let's see how he reacts.

Speaker 136 Where did you grow up, Drew?

Speaker 122 Denver.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 136 And how was it living in Denver? Did you climb any mountains?

Speaker 139 No, no.

Speaker 126 What did you do for fun in Denver?

Speaker 139 You know, I never put myself in a position like this normally.

Speaker 43 Oh my god.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 44 We're gonna stop.

Speaker 154 Not that hard, I swear.

Speaker 61 Dude, come on, mime, mime.

Speaker 44 Do them something.

Speaker 149 That's good.

Speaker 127 Drew, mime confidence, for Christ's sakes.

Speaker 66 You're like mime conf.

Speaker 20 All right, Heidi, you've shown us enough.

Speaker 40 Thank you, Heidi.

Speaker 20 How about another hand for the lovely Heidi?

Speaker 108 You nailed it, bro.

Speaker 71 You killed that shit.

Speaker 139 I do better when I can't say anything.

Speaker 108 All right, Drew. Well,

Speaker 47 fun times.

Speaker 92 Good stuff.

Speaker 111 I love the whips joke.

Speaker 62 Yeah, great joke. Thank you.
Thank you.

Speaker 100 How long have you been doing it?

Speaker 110 Six years, would you say?

Speaker 139 It's been about like eight, ten months. Right.

Speaker 110 And you wrote that whips joke?

Speaker 80 You just came up with that premise? Amazing.

Speaker 52 I, yes, I read all my stuff.

Speaker 98 Very good. All right.

Speaker 66 Tyheria.

Speaker 103 And here's a little joke book.

Speaker 119 Drew Santana.

Speaker 155 On to the next one.

Speaker 20 We're having fun out here. Another bucket pull.

Speaker 77 My goodness.

Speaker 20 can you believe the buckling under the pressure of the young buck drew santana anything can happen here all right your next bucket pull goes by the name of peyton ready here we go peyton ready

Speaker 66 hey good to be here

Speaker 172 i got a girlfriend now sorry fellas um

Speaker 172 I was doing Tinder for a while, and you know, a lot of comics they talk about Tinder because it's like infamously the worst dating app, you know.

Speaker 172 But But the craziest thing to me about Tinder is when I was doing that, when I created my profile, Tinder makes you pick like a whole bunch of hobbies and interests that show up on your profile.

Speaker 172 You cannot finish creating your profile without picking hobbies and interests. So, Tinder gives you a big list of hobbies to pick from.

Speaker 115 I thought this was weird. Did you know you could pick Black Lives Matter as a hobby?

Speaker 122 That's a hobby?

Speaker 95 I support Black Lives Matter.

Speaker 172 I mean, you know, that's not a hobby to me. That's just something that is.

Speaker 172 It's like food or something.

Speaker 115 I'm like, all right, yes.

Speaker 115 Black people, acknowledged,

Speaker 140 exist.

Speaker 95 If you don't know what a hobby is,

Speaker 172 a hobby is like something you can do after work, like you can squeeze in with the free time, like playing the drums or something.

Speaker 95 You want to do that with the lives of black people?

Speaker 120 That's your hobby? That's kind of fucked up. How do you explain that to somebody?

Speaker 172 Somebody's like, do you support Black Lives Matter? And you're like, I'll be honest.

Speaker 43 I have been swamped at work recently.

Speaker 146 Baiting ready with a fantastic minute.

Speaker 38 A true minute.

Speaker 86 All on one subject, punched up with jokes.

Speaker 107 Look at you. You're fucking adorable.

Speaker 17 Oh, thanks.

Speaker 40 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 115 I've been, you know, a couple years here.

Speaker 21 A couple years.

Speaker 172 I'm 23. I've been doing it.
It'll be six years in November.

Speaker 8 Oh, nice.

Speaker 27 You started young. Yeah.
Hell yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 71 Look at you. What are you?

Speaker 52 Are you still drinking breast milk?

Speaker 44 What's going on over here?

Speaker 59 You are a plump little sweet.

Speaker 172 Yeah, I've moved on. I've moved on in the recent weeks.

Speaker 43 But yes,

Speaker 172 I've been easing off of it, but thanks for just exploiting me.

Speaker 125 You look like you use hard-boiled eggs as like zins.

Speaker 125 Just like leave one in your mouth and just fucking let it soak into your bloodstream.

Speaker 35 This is incredible to meet someone like you make Enrique Chacone look like a fucking hot chick.

Speaker 111 Amazing, Paul.

Speaker 113 What do you do for work?

Speaker 79 What do you do?

Speaker 133 Drive Tonka trucks for a living?

Speaker 76 What exactly?

Speaker 172 No, I drink breast milk and I play with Tonka trucks. It's very difference.
Yeah.

Speaker 172 No, I just moved here three weeks ago, so I don't have a job yet.

Speaker 52 Okay, where'd you move from?

Speaker 152 Chicago.

Speaker 91 Okay.

Speaker 167 Wow, it's great that we have the actual live the bean with us ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 20 I can't believe the bean found out that it became kill tony folklore and it also moved to Austin, Texas.

Speaker 172 Yeah, they expedited me overnight. I got shipped over here.

Speaker 37 It's full name Butterbean.

Speaker 169 Butterbean.

Speaker 106 That's right. That's amazing.

Speaker 53 Have people told you that you look like the bean before?

Speaker 172 Have people called me fat?

Speaker 152 Is that what you're asking?

Speaker 172 You're like, have people ever called you a fat ass before?

Speaker 43 Yes.

Speaker 111 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 132 This is what you're, if you had a son, if you made a baby sometime, Red Band, this is what it would come out looking like.

Speaker 46 Just a little fucking, look at this fucking absolute little butterball.

Speaker 17 Stop.

Speaker 51 Sweet fucking.

Speaker 25 I didn't realize that this.

Speaker 37 I've heard of snowmen.

Speaker 155 I've never heard of snow boys before.

Speaker 114 This is incredible. Yeah.

Speaker 103 You're like frosting the snowman.

Speaker 115 That's pretty good.

Speaker 108 You're on the edge of stealing my axe, so you got to be careful.

Speaker 121 There's no edges to you, buddy.

Speaker 34 Fully rounded.

Speaker 162 Yeah.

Speaker 92 You are a fucking superstar.

Speaker 56 There's no doubt about it.

Speaker 46 23 years old, six years into the game.

Speaker 145 You're here in the comedy capital of the world.

Speaker 37 You just did a minute, 15 seconds all on the same subject, which is very telling.

Speaker 40 A lot of people

Speaker 121 change directions and try to squeeze in a lot of their best different jokes.

Speaker 40 You're clearly showing that you have experience and

Speaker 145 poise in the pocket.

Speaker 52 I agree. And by pocket, I mean the hot pocket that you made right before the...

Speaker 115 I've moved on to lean pockets recently.

Speaker 59 Whoa.

Speaker 72 Cha-cha-cha-cha-changes.

Speaker 172 You spend the extra dollar, you're still as fat.

Speaker 116 So it's...

Speaker 100 Is that true that lean pockets are a little more expensive?

Speaker 172 I don't know the market on them, honestly.

Speaker 20 Our senior frozen food correspondent, Brian Redband, says it's not true.

Speaker 2 It's not true.

Speaker 37 A man who microwaves 90% of his meals, I'm going to go with his boat here on this one.

Speaker 87 Wow.

Speaker 112 You had great, like, just, your presence was great.

Speaker 70 And like, I love that you were pausing, making, getting laughs out of the faces, you know, the reactions to what you were saying.

Speaker 112 It was fucking great.

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 128 And I feel like, I feel like, you know, just in a minute, I could tell like you had more time time to stretch it out. It would be really good, you know, for your comedy on your body.

Speaker 61 Yeah.

Speaker 146 Am I fat? What's happening?

Speaker 102 I'm not.

Speaker 172 They keep making them.

Speaker 95 I don't kid.

Speaker 66 No, but you look good, though, like that.

Speaker 61 I'm telling you, dude.

Speaker 102 It fits you.

Speaker 72 No, I'm Pete's series.

Speaker 21 No one has endorsed obesity more than Chris here.

Speaker 72 I'm telling you. You look good, dude.

Speaker 89 I tell you, you're a star. Don't change a thing.

Speaker 156 He looks good.

Speaker 146 He's a predator.

Speaker 66 No, you really do.

Speaker 59 Chris has a type, and he's being very clear.

Speaker 102 As a matter of fact, you know what?

Speaker 70 You're coming with me to Dallas, too, this weekend.

Speaker 58 I won't let it.

Speaker 58 I'm ready to break. Yeah, he did.
All right. And on Saturday,

Speaker 58 come to my shelf.

Speaker 172 I got 500 pounds of it.

Speaker 17 Fun.

Speaker 12 All these comics think it's a break.

Speaker 127 Chris needs people to fill seats.

Speaker 117 The bigger, the better.

Speaker 60 Amazing.

Speaker 109 Have you ever been to Dallas before?

Speaker 3 No, I've never been to Dallas. Wow.
All right, good.

Speaker 95 Only been to Austin.

Speaker 46 Amazing.

Speaker 39 Well, the Buyer's Club, unfortunately for you, is not a sandwich.

Speaker 110 That's a shame.

Speaker 86 So what's your living situation like?

Speaker 69 You got a one-bedroom, one kitchen?

Speaker 172 It's a half-bath, three kitchens.

Speaker 172 I have round-the-clock chefs, Tony.

Speaker 25 You got roommates or what's going on?

Speaker 172 Yeah, I'm just crashing on a buddy's couch right now.

Speaker 172 I'm not coming. Forget it.

Speaker 71 Dallas is over, Chris.

Speaker 17 Forget it.

Speaker 24 Do people walk into the apartment and sometimes go and say to your roommate, oh, there's a couch on your couch.

Speaker 119 Why is there? Why do you have two couches?

Speaker 172 They go, oh, is this one of those couches that folds out like those coffee tables?

Speaker 116 The thing kind of comes.

Speaker 73 It's one of those couches that breathes, kind of.

Speaker 115 I've seen those.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 89 What kind of, how are you getting around? You got got a car?

Speaker 43 I roll.

Speaker 18 Yeah, perfect.

Speaker 20 That's what I was getting at.

Speaker 31 This guy's good.

Speaker 20 Taking the momentum, rolling with it.

Speaker 35 This is very good.

Speaker 55 Very, very good.

Speaker 5 So what's your goal for getting a job?

Speaker 110 You've lived here, would you say, three weeks?

Speaker 116 Yeah, three weeks ago.

Speaker 121 Okay, so

Speaker 24 what do we got to do here?

Speaker 51 How can we help you?

Speaker 78 You name what you're good at and we're going to help you.

Speaker 149 You want a little hard hat?

Speaker 55 You have a hard hat? You want a hard hat? You would look adorable in a hard hat.

Speaker 59 I would love a hard hat. I don't know why I want to put a hard hat.

Speaker 55 How many of you think we should put a hard hat on this?

Speaker 56 What's that? What are you good at?

Speaker 79 What are you trained in?

Speaker 60 What can you possibly do for work?

Speaker 40 How can you contribute to the economy in Austin, Texas?

Speaker 172 I worked a lot of restaurant jobs growing up.

Speaker 111 You worked them?

Speaker 87 Or

Speaker 112 you worked them?

Speaker 172 My business was given to the restaurants growing up.

Speaker 172 No, I did, you know, line cook and server and all.

Speaker 39 How would you like to burn yourself at torchies tacos?

Speaker 50 I know a guy.

Speaker 48 I'm gonna tell you what's fascinating.

Speaker 73 You're sweating the least out of every performance.

Speaker 100 He's amazing.

Speaker 28 I noticed that as well.

Speaker 37 I'm like, you got Enrique up here fucking wiping his face like we're in a thunderstorm or something like that.

Speaker 106 It's like

Speaker 83 the highest level of windshield wipers.

Speaker 54 And this guy's not a fucking drip.

Speaker 172 Now I'm a professional.

Speaker 125 Amazing.

Speaker 122 I fucking love it.

Speaker 40 You are one of the funniest people that have ever come on this stage with lunchables in their pockets before.

Speaker 63 Yeah.

Speaker 37 What's the longest set you've ever done?

Speaker 152 I did.

Speaker 172 I've done like 35 before.

Speaker 172 You know, just like you headlined some terrible bars show.

Speaker 10 I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday.

Speaker 58 I'd love to do it.

Speaker 77 The first big joke book of the night to a big boy.

Speaker 77 Peyton Ruddy has made his Kill Tony debut.

Speaker 20 I have a feeling

Speaker 20 you're going to see a lot of that kid someday. I'm normally very right about these things.

Speaker 72 Bobby Hill.

Speaker 20 Peyton Ruddy, R-U-D-D-Y.

Speaker 20 Peyton Ruddy comedy on social media watch it blow up this is an interesting name almost no way that I could say this correctly but I'm gonna try make some noise for the kill tony debut of Deorda Krikjick

Speaker 70 hello my name is Georgie Krikidic And that's not even a joke.

Speaker 153 I am from Montenegro. And Montenegro in Spanish and Italian means a black mountain, right? Which makes me your black mountain man.
Or, as we like to call us, I am a Monteneger.

Speaker 153 Oh, shut up. I can say it.
Oh, shut up.

Speaker 153 Well, if you don't like that hard R at the end, you can just call me a Montenegro. It's fine.
We like it.

Speaker 153 Well, you have to understand I have a right to say it, because we were slaves for 500 years, right? Under a Turkish Empire. So I heard some of you guys got a reparations for a slavery.

Speaker 153 Well, that's why this Montenegro is here tonight. I need some reparations too, all right?

Speaker 153 And that would be my minute.

Speaker 27 Okay.

Speaker 89 I think

Speaker 121 a lot of people are leaving right now.

Speaker 63 What do we think, black guy? Are we letting him get away with with that?

Speaker 107 What's going on over here?

Speaker 72 I know that Oedipal is in full force right now

Speaker 19 You must be thinking there's no fucking way he just said what I think he said

Speaker 3 Perfect perfect nothing at all all is well

Speaker 107 Welcome.

Speaker 54 Say your name one more time. Georgia

Speaker 94 Georgia. It's like George so yeah.

Speaker 141 Thank you sticking over.

Speaker 107 Keep it going. Then the last name is Kirkilich.

Speaker 153 Oh, don't bother with that.

Speaker 153 Even people from my country can pronounce it, really.

Speaker 87 Okay.

Speaker 168 Yeah.

Speaker 46 You mean the N-words?

Speaker 44 Yes, I'm telling you.

Speaker 72 What a surprise.

Speaker 73 A guy named Georgia dropped the N-bomb out here.

Speaker 21 This Georgia hasn't seen showers in weeks, though.

Speaker 61 You kind of look like Jesus if he lived on 6th Street.

Speaker 169 Well.

Speaker 153 I do live actually almost on the 6th Street.

Speaker 152 I live in my car.

Speaker 52 It is 6th Street Jesus, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 153 I'm homeless for the last three, four months.

Speaker 72 Okay.

Speaker 27 Look at you. I'm doing good.

Speaker 54 You're a happy homeless guy.

Speaker 72 I like it.

Speaker 18 I like it.

Speaker 24 So tell us what it's like living on the streets.

Speaker 153 Oh, it's disgusting.

Speaker 84 Tell us more.

Speaker 153 Well, here, actually, on the 6th Street, it's the worst.

Speaker 153 But I live actually on the Walmart parkings. That's where I sleep, where I park my car because I live in my car, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 58 And

Speaker 101 it's,

Speaker 153 I don't know what to say, Tony. It's not nice.

Speaker 39 It's not good, but I'm surviving an example of what it's like a lot of these people most of them have no idea so you're you you at night time after you do stand-up and spots and stuff, right?

Speaker 40 That's kind of your routine.

Speaker 54 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 153 This is my first time.

Speaker 126 Oh, well then there you go.

Speaker 90 Okay.

Speaker 143 First time ever. True.

Speaker 23 You just found an art form where you can come out and say the n-word a few times.

Speaker 94 Incredible.

Speaker 153 Well, if I can correct you, I'm not saying the n-word, right? I'm saying the M-word first.

Speaker 135 That's true. Right.

Speaker 72 Right. So there's a difference.

Speaker 106 Now I know.

Speaker 89 If I want to say it, I just have to say Monte beforehand.

Speaker 18 That is correct.

Speaker 25 I got bad news for you, John.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 43 You goddamn Monte.

Speaker 161 And dude, I got it.

Speaker 18 I waited a long time for this moment.

Speaker 44 You fucking McLovin.

Speaker 127 McNugget.

Speaker 46 What were we saying? What's going on?

Speaker 78 What do you think about him?

Speaker 149 What do you think, John?

Speaker 101 I didn't hear him.

Speaker 27 Perfect. I love it.

Speaker 52 Thank God black guys do not pay attention to this show.

Speaker 66 Incredible.

Speaker 61 Dude, don't even, if you ever get any flack for it, just blame it on the fentanyl.

Speaker 58 Right.

Speaker 5 That's it. Right?

Speaker 61 I was cracked out.

Speaker 67 It's all good.

Speaker 50 So I'm going to get back to my original thing here.

Speaker 27 So you pull your car.

Speaker 37 What do you do at night if you're just starting stand-up now?

Speaker 24 What have you been doing in Austin all this time?

Speaker 153 Well, I got here because of this show, actually. And I used to be a semi-truck driver.
So that's what I do for a living for a couple years now. And then I decided I want to switch my profession.

Speaker 153 I want to be a stand-up comedian from now on.

Speaker 55 So, okay.

Speaker 153 And I think I have a pit that I can go with, and I can play with, and I can do. I don't mean to be rude with it,

Speaker 153 but I can compare similarities between the...

Speaker 153 N-word and Montenegros, right?

Speaker 54 You just looked directly at John D's and signaled to him.

Speaker 127 Well, I didn't mean to offend you.

Speaker 12 The Kill Tony show, making immigrants homeless.

Speaker 127 Yes.

Speaker 105 2015.

Speaker 25 Not only do we fill up arenas, we also fill up Walmart parking lots.

Speaker 153 There is a few homeless next to me.

Speaker 55 Really?

Speaker 106 They're all Kill Tony sign-ups?

Speaker 171 Well, I'm not sure about that.

Speaker 87 Okay.

Speaker 56 Okay, so let's get back to that.

Speaker 93 So give us an example.

Speaker 79 What time of the day do you wake up?

Speaker 34 The sun comes up, you're in a car.

Speaker 153 I wake up 5,

Speaker 153 6 a.m., I don't know.

Speaker 3 Yes, a life of luxury in the Walmart parking lot.

Speaker 153 And then what do you do? Then I go to the Walmart because there is a restroom. Right.
I can wash my teeth, right? I can take a shit. Right.
Do the morning routines that people are doing.

Speaker 94 Everyone's doing it.

Speaker 153 Correct.

Speaker 82 And then after that, I go work.

Speaker 153 I do have a work. It's a moving.
So I do work for a different company.

Speaker 70 Wait, your work is another racial slur?

Speaker 152 Did you just say, what did you just say your work for?

Speaker 43 Moving. Moving.
Oh, moving.

Speaker 43 I thought you said something else. Sorry.

Speaker 11 I'm not going to say what I thought you said.

Speaker 100 You thought he said mooly?

Speaker 95 That is what I thought he said.

Speaker 102 That's what it sounded like.

Speaker 43 I got you, bro.

Speaker 98 Yeah, right. I got you.

Speaker 43 And a lot of back on me, right?

Speaker 52 A lot of accidental racial slurs happening up here with you. I can't imagine what you scream in your car in the middle of the night.

Speaker 82 So, okay.

Speaker 153 Then I do work. I work for a couple hours.

Speaker 87 And then what do you do?

Speaker 153 Come back here on the 6th Street and I play guitar for a couple hours.

Speaker 94 Maybe one hour.

Speaker 153 Yeah. Really? I just practice.
Well, that was only so because it's my first time on the stage. So that's how I practice just to be in front of the people.

Speaker 14 That's it.

Speaker 52 So you just started guitar too?

Speaker 153 No, a couple of years ago.

Speaker 46 A couple of years ago.

Speaker 52 How often do you practice?

Speaker 153 Well, almost every day.

Speaker 23 You guys want to hear a song from fucking...

Speaker 44 Georgia.

Speaker 28 You got a fucking backup guitar, right?

Speaker 153 I'm not going to sing.

Speaker 72 We have the official Kill Tony guitar.

Speaker 66 Tuned up and ready to go.

Speaker 83 Tuned up and ready to go, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 158 Wow.

Speaker 125 Here it is.

Speaker 114 Let's do both of these.

Speaker 145 Get them up here.

Speaker 111 Okay.

Speaker 142 Georgia.

Speaker 50 I have a feeling.

Speaker 39 I have a weird feeling Georgia is about to impress us here. He's got these homeless energies, these pent-up fucking.

Speaker 52 Georgia, face the crowd.

Speaker 39 face the crowd.

Speaker 80 You're trying to head back to the Walmart park.

Speaker 39 Oh shit, he's calling out something to the band.

Speaker 39 Whoa.

Speaker 77 All right, that's great. That's great.

Speaker 91 Great stuff.

Speaker 35 Great stuff.

Speaker 39 Oh, my goodness gracious.

Speaker 168 Unbelievable.

Speaker 42 Wow.

Speaker 126 Hell yeah.

Speaker 40 Georgia, how do you feel right now?

Speaker 155 You just played the world-famous Ritz Theater.

Speaker 71 You're shaking right now. Yes, sir.

Speaker 50 The energy of Stevie Ray Vaughn runs through you.

Speaker 169 Oh, I love that. Thank you.

Speaker 3 Yes, I love him.

Speaker 68 I love Stevie Raypon.

Speaker 113 Of course.

Speaker 80 He played here on this very stage that you stand on, and you look like he does right now.

Speaker 50 You look like the

Speaker 155 decades-long decomposed corpse of Stevie Raybon.

Speaker 49 Hallelujah. Hell yeah.

Speaker 40 And you sleep on a Stevie Ray lawn.

Speaker 126 Okay.

Speaker 119 George Kritchik.

Speaker 53 Fun times.

Speaker 119 You know, it was your first set.

Speaker 40 So you know what I'm going to do? Instead of giving you a little joke joke book for the amount of laughs that you got, I want you to get some work done.

Speaker 145 I believe in you, George. I think you have a lot of pent-up.

Speaker 153 I'm 33. 35.

Speaker 72 Yeah, you have a chance at this, George.

Speaker 37 You've made it from the...

Speaker 24 You've escaped the Turkish rule in Montenegro.

Speaker 87 You are...

Speaker 35 One of my favorite illegal immigrants we've ever had on this show, to be honest with you.

Speaker 90 You got fucking balls, dude.

Speaker 41 And

Speaker 151 so

Speaker 85 I want you to start writing and fill up this Kill Tony jokebook with some shit, okay?

Speaker 55 Yeah. Thank you.

Speaker 20 Try to use minimal N-words in that jokebook.

Speaker 133 There he goes.

Speaker 102 Georgia.

Speaker 58 Reching.

Speaker 86 Well, which one was first?

Speaker 58 Oh, okay.

Speaker 20 Make some moves for your next bucket hole.

Speaker 117 Bruno Oliviera.

Speaker 117 Bruno

Speaker 117 Oliviera.

Speaker 117 Bruno.

Speaker 117 Hold on, guys. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Speaker 117 Is Bruno here?

Speaker 20 Bruno Oliviera.

Speaker 20 Bruno, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is.

Speaker 33 How's going on? How's everyone doing?

Speaker 173 No, it's good, man.

Speaker 173 This is my real accent, by the way.

Speaker 173 I'm not actually Mexican, so I just want to put that out there.

Speaker 173 Everyone calls me Hector from Fast and Furious and shit.

Speaker 55 I can't unsee it now, you know what I mean?

Speaker 173 But the other day I got called fucking Pitbull from down under.

Speaker 3 I'm like, what the fuck, man?

Speaker 173 That's a fucked up thing to say, man.

Speaker 115 It's been a thank you.

Speaker 88 Appreciate that, man.

Speaker 173 Well, it's my first time here in Texas and shit, you know, which is cool.

Speaker 88 It's not too bad.

Speaker 173 I'm not gonna lie, I'm trying to hold my breath because I ran here and I'm not that fit, but um

Speaker 8 Yeah, it's weird man.

Speaker 173 It's weird, you know, but I hate when people say shit like fucking oh, hey man, I had some dude come up to me and say hey man, you have very prison aids

Speaker 173 And I'm like, don't know you, bro. Like, what the fuck?

Speaker 130 And it's like, I get it. I look like I did it, but I didn't do it.

Speaker 144 That's all I'm saying, bro.

Speaker 173 And it's like people say shit like, Fucking, hey, man, you were quite intimidating when I first met you, man. But you actually a nice guy.
I'm like, that shit hurts, man.

Speaker 173 Because I got feelings too, and shit, you know,

Speaker 173 and it's just like, fucking,

Speaker 160 I was gonna keep going, but I guess

Speaker 125 Oliviera, that is maximum time.

Speaker 29 Hi, Bruno.

Speaker 108 How you going, mate? You're right.

Speaker 38 G'day, good day.

Speaker 107 So,

Speaker 103 where are you from?

Speaker 62 Are you serious?

Speaker 111 What? What?

Speaker 73 He is Yahoo serious.

Speaker 95 Bro, that is a...

Speaker 26 Did you say it during your set?

Speaker 85 If you were listening. That's an easy question.

Speaker 25 Is that a yes or a no?

Speaker 57 That is yes. Yes.

Speaker 63 So where was it?

Speaker 173 Australia.

Speaker 87 Right.

Speaker 40 Sometimes I have to do things and host a show and I miss a second every now and then while everybody

Speaker 39 helplessly watches and enjoys themselves.

Speaker 25 So yes.

Speaker 111 Fair enough.

Speaker 11 You got me.

Speaker 124 No worries, Count.

Speaker 21 So is it Australia? Huh?

Speaker 107 Australia? Australia, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 38 Very good.

Speaker 37 Okay. What brings you to America?

Speaker 173 I thought I'd check out comedy and shit. You know, I thought I'd check out like the New Mexican places around here and stuff like that.
You know, like New Mexican places? No, I'm not.

Speaker 173 Well, it's just people think I'm Mexican all the time.

Speaker 95 You know, people speak to me in Spain.

Speaker 23 Even in Australia, do they think you're Mexican?

Speaker 124 Bro, there's no Mexicans there. That's the weird thing.
Right.

Speaker 30 There's no Mexican. That's that weirdness.

Speaker 17 It's nowhere near fucking Mexico.

Speaker 59 A fucking 20-hour fight.

Speaker 171 Yeah.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 146 No, wait, see, like, this is the thing.

Speaker 173 Like, in Australia, people think I'm from New Zealand.

Speaker 88 Yeah.

Speaker 173 But over here, people think I'm Mexican.

Speaker 44 Right.

Speaker 168 Either way.

Speaker 160 Yeah, either, either, whatever, you know what I mean?

Speaker 64 But, like, either way, you're not welcomed.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 124 Wait, you sound like immigration, bro.

Speaker 162 That's what the shit.

Speaker 146 Like, I was there for fucking 49.

Speaker 120 I thought you were MS-13.

Speaker 43 I didn't know what else to do.

Speaker 55 I got my guard up.

Speaker 173 I'm not from the cartel, man. I'm just going to put that out there.

Speaker 169 You know what I mean? I'm just an ordinary dude.

Speaker 70 I did laugh a few times at your set. I think because I thought it was funny or I might have been terrified.

Speaker 5 I'm not sure which it was.

Speaker 159 I mean, I get the most people when I perform, they look scared.

Speaker 173 They'll feel like they're forced to laugh. But, you know what I mean? I'm here.
So thank you for being. I don't know if you're laughing or not, but whatever.

Speaker 49 Well, you've really leaned into the look.

Speaker 81 You know.

Speaker 162 Well, this is how I dress back home.

Speaker 173 So this is unintentional Mexican.

Speaker 39 I'm not even trying to...

Speaker 79 No, really. Like, this is how I dress.

Speaker 173 And I see Mexican people walking past me, giving me the head nod and shit.

Speaker 156 All the time. All the time.

Speaker 39 I can't even speak Spanish.

Speaker 162 I'm like, hola, senor.

Speaker 94 I'm not sure. You know what I mean? I'm just saying.

Speaker 48 But yeah,

Speaker 173 that's like the jits of it. You know what I mean?

Speaker 54 So how long you've been doing stand-up?

Speaker 120 Sorry, say it again.

Speaker 24 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 173 I've started like late 216, 217, so it's about seven, eight years.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 173 I'm trying to sound smart, bro, alright?

Speaker 94 So just get out of the...

Speaker 106 Don't try to to sound smart.

Speaker 125 I'm sorry.

Speaker 155 You don't look smart. There's no point in sounding smart.

Speaker 173 Hey, look, man, I completed fucking senior high school and shit. You know what I mean? So do you call it secondary school or something?

Speaker 135 Is that now?

Speaker 128 We don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 173 Oh, I'm just a dumb cunt then.

Speaker 43 All right, no,

Speaker 59 there you go. There you go.

Speaker 72 We call it high school.

Speaker 43 Sorry?

Speaker 130 You said high school?

Speaker 95 High school, yes. Yeah, we call it high school.

Speaker 115 Yeah, so what the fuck, bro? Like, what the.

Speaker 61 Well, you said secondary school. And then you said 216, 217.
I was like, that's what I'm saying. No, I said MS13.

Speaker 124 MS-13 is what I said.

Speaker 20 MS.

Speaker 48 Oh, you have MS?

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 124 Bruin.

Speaker 173 I'm actually a scaffolder by trade.

Speaker 169 A scaffolder?

Speaker 144 A scaffolder, yeah.

Speaker 62 Why do you look so surprised for?

Speaker 124 You talking to me? No, I'm talking.

Speaker 173 No, I'm talking to the I'm not trying to start a fight. I'm saying the second gentleman here.

Speaker 169 Yes, you, sir. Yes.
Yes.

Speaker 149 No, I'm not.

Speaker 95 What? Scaffolding?

Speaker 124 No, you just look scared.

Speaker 48 You put up scaffolding?

Speaker 173 Yes, put up scaffolding.

Speaker 5 Which is very Mexican.

Speaker 12 I was going to say.

Speaker 122 That's

Speaker 97 so miss.

Speaker 58 That's what I was going to say.

Speaker 18 At this point, you're asking for it.

Speaker 59 Yeah, dude. I am

Speaker 72 asking you.

Speaker 37 I just drive me low rider to the scaffolding location.

Speaker 83 Mow the lawn on my way in.

Speaker 173 Me, senor, yo, necesito oblado una cosa.

Speaker 38 Whoa, look at that. Wow.

Speaker 106 Oh, my goodness. Look who's coming.

Speaker 66 That's on you as well, you know what I mean?

Speaker 124 It was freestyle.

Speaker 39 Okay, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 85 Do you have any special skills or talents?

Speaker 40 Australians can be a wacky, multi-talented people.

Speaker 41 I mean, I like anime.

Speaker 173 I don't know if that helps.

Speaker 162 I don't know what that means as well.

Speaker 23 If you get into fights as a kid, your nose is kind of fucked up.

Speaker 60 Is that from a lot of cocaine or getting beat up?

Speaker 173 That's got none of your business, bro.

Speaker 21 Oh, that means cocaine is the answer, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 72 A little bit of that out of the way.

Speaker 57 The back of your head is caved in.

Speaker 12 What's happened to the back of your head?

Speaker 160 Can you fucking stop, bro, please?

Speaker 73 Just turn around and turn on the back of your head.

Speaker 162 Yeah, it's flat. I know.

Speaker 160 I was flattened as a kid.

Speaker 74 I don't know. Look, I've got to go.

Speaker 27 Both of your hemispheres are fucked up.

Speaker 160 I mean,

Speaker 124 I could actually level a wall with the back of my head.

Speaker 72 You know what I mean? Another Mexican trait.

Speaker 25 So wait, so what happened? You partied so hard that you busted your nose.

Speaker 108 Australians, by the way, a lot of people don't know this. I do know this.

Speaker 46 I once, at one point in my life,

Speaker 123 toured Australia a lot.

Speaker 145 I'm very close with a lot of Australians and a lot of people don't know.

Speaker 53 They all are heavily addicted to cocaine.

Speaker 25 It's a thing.

Speaker 108 They do it like it's nothing there.

Speaker 107 Like we drink bloodline or something like that.

Speaker 25 They all do it.

Speaker 40 Can you expand on this?

Speaker 24 Am I correct?

Speaker 25 It's a big secret that they keep.

Speaker 39 Meanwhile, they force their own people to get vaccinated numerous times while everybody is already halfway to a heart attack.

Speaker 84 But go ahead, tell us more.

Speaker 88 I mean, it's not all the cocaine.

Speaker 144 That's not the whole story.

Speaker 149 Okay.

Speaker 146 Everyone's invested now.

Speaker 13 I'm scared as shit.

Speaker 173 Now look, my nose got fucked up like when I was a kid.

Speaker 3 What happened?

Speaker 169 Do we have to go there?

Speaker 25 Of all the things, you're so nervous to talk about how your nose became flat halfway up.

Speaker 124 Yeah.

Speaker 173 Man, you're making me feel real self-conscious about how I look now, man.

Speaker 72 You should. You should.

Speaker 112 Somebody kicked in your nose so hard it caved in the back of your head.

Speaker 17 We want to know about it.

Speaker 146 That's like that, man.

Speaker 53 If you feel too self-conscious about the way you look, just stare at Joe DeRosa's face for a second.

Speaker 17 No.

Speaker 66 I mean, look, like, fucking...

Speaker 173 I was, like, I used to do boxing and shit like that. Like, you know what I mean? So that's also part of the flat and what's not just the cocaine.
It's also the boxing.

Speaker 49 That was the best.

Speaker 109 Cocaine was first out of the box thing.

Speaker 173 I started when I was 10, bro. I didn't do cocaine until I was like nine and a half.

Speaker 106 So let's get that straight.

Speaker 70 So you also boxed to escape your country.

Speaker 5 Very Mexican. Yeah.

Speaker 156 A very Mexican.

Speaker 173 You've got to come off some new shit now.

Speaker 146 You keep saying the Mexican shit, man.

Speaker 73 Because you keep hitting that note over and over.

Speaker 74 I can't believe how many Mexican boxes you're ticking right now.

Speaker 91 It's unfortunate.

Speaker 66 I know the scaffolding.

Speaker 173 Yeah, no, that's fair enough.

Speaker 169 But, yeah.

Speaker 174 I don't know where we go from here because I've never had this silence.

Speaker 124 This is getting weird. This is getting weird.

Speaker 94 Nope, you're going.

Speaker 144 Sorry?

Speaker 149 Has a doctor talked to you about the back of your head?

Speaker 61 No, it's like inside. I'm not saying I'm not.

Speaker 25 Turn around, show everybody the back of your head.

Speaker 57 I'm going to do a side, sorry,

Speaker 121 okay. Here it is, the big reveal.

Speaker 3 Whoa.

Speaker 27 Did you just swallow me?

Speaker 76 Yeah.

Speaker 160 Get the fuck out of you, cunts.

Speaker 127 It's like a blooming onion back there.

Speaker 20 Can I draw a face on the back of it and then you turn around slowly like that?

Speaker 44 Can we do that?

Speaker 20 Come here, I'm gonna do it.

Speaker 20 I need your permission, though. Can I draw a face on the back of your head and then you reveal it?

Speaker 162 Fuck it, let's do it. Let's do it.

Speaker 58 Let's do it.

Speaker 44 Let's do it.

Speaker 162 This is fucking humiliating.

Speaker 53 His head is so sweaty that it just eats the Sharpie alive.

Speaker 20 It's not working. I didn't get one eye.

Speaker 77 It actually looks like your actual face.

Speaker 37 There's no nose.

Speaker 94 There's no.

Speaker 56 Oh my god.

Speaker 29 This is the worst decision I've ever made to come here, man.

Speaker 27 The worst decision.

Speaker 25 This is amazing. What's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you your entire life before I let you go?

Speaker 6 I feel like you've seen a lot.

Speaker 39 I feel like there's a lot of special fun facts about you.

Speaker 173 I mean, okay, I'll say this.

Speaker 173 There's one time I actually got my drink spiked, right?

Speaker 129 So, sorry, spiked.

Speaker 173 Like, my drink got spiked.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 173 No, because I have to break it down because I say

Speaker 145 was it a margarita by chance?

Speaker 173 Nah, I'm a real man, so I drank Jackson Coke. So, like, I had my

Speaker 50 end Coke, multiple Jacks.

Speaker 3 One Coke.

Speaker 55 So I had...

Speaker 173 I had a, yeah, Lumber Jackson flathead.

Speaker 152 what was more jacked your coke or your nose

Speaker 173 at this time was both actually okay so both I was actually pretty fucked up and um uh so my drink got spiked this sharpie literally doesn't work anything

Speaker 94 it absorbed all of the fucking just

Speaker 169 hey the whole time I was gonna just explain I'm just gonna do this one and rub it off but uh so I got your head has a wet back

Speaker 162 Tick's another one that's another box on the Mexican hey yo and it's actually wet as well when I did it you know what I mean It's fucked up.

Speaker 173 So I got my drink sparked and I went to the...

Speaker 58 Sparked.

Speaker 72 Next on Spark.

Speaker 127 UFC Unleashed on Spark.

Speaker 116 Fucking watch the Spark to there, dad.

Speaker 100 Fucking crocky.

Speaker 173 So

Speaker 173 my drink got sparked and I went to the restroom.

Speaker 160 You exaggerated.

Speaker 74 I was going to keep exaggerating.

Speaker 160 So let me let me say, just, you're doing good.

Speaker 173 I just thank you. I appreciate you.
But

Speaker 173 so my drink got sparked and

Speaker 146 I went to the restroom.

Speaker 173 And the last thing I remember is me at the urinal doing a piss.

Speaker 173 And I woke up on the floor.

Speaker 149 Like,

Speaker 55 yeah.

Speaker 63 What do you call the urine?

Speaker 63 We just piss.

Speaker 94 We don't just do it.

Speaker 63 What the fuck? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 107 That's why our economy is so much better than yours.

Speaker 161 Oh, we have to do the do before we do, do, do, do, do.

Speaker 89 We already did that by the time you talk about doing it.

Speaker 146 Right. Okay, that's fair.

Speaker 112 So I was pissing.

Speaker 55 i have to do a piss

Speaker 173 yeah i have to go do a piss all right go ahead yeah thank you man yeah that was but uh oh so so i was doing a piss i was pissing and the last thing i remember is me on the floor with like a little puddle full of blood and shit like that and i woke up and like the bouncer comes up like all even though i was knocked out i heard like the like the like someone calling like for a bounce like oh fuck someone come in yeah his cunt's all fucked up and then yeah the back of his head's fucking swelling

Speaker 103 i think i think he broke his fucking nose

Speaker 27 not just that the back of my head got fucked up too you know what i mean but uh like like so the bouncer wakes me up and then he's like hey man

Speaker 74 are you right bro yeah g'day mate are you right

Speaker 124 crikey that's a lot of blood you know but then he wakes me up man the fuck happened and then he's like oh you actually slipped and you hit your head on the urinal oh shit yeah so that's this this.

Speaker 39 You were doing a piss and the piss did you.

Speaker 118 Yeah, right.

Speaker 27 Right. Oh my god.

Speaker 173 I got made piss by the urinal. Like, because there's a saying that we say in Australia, if someone got made piss, it means that someone got fucked up.

Speaker 88 As in, like, they got fucked up in a fight.

Speaker 68 Fight, as I said.

Speaker 173 So it's like, I got made pissed by the pisser.

Speaker 173 That makes sense. It wasn't that funny, but you can't win all of them.

Speaker 135 Right, it's true. That's true.

Speaker 80 Boxing match in your youth.

Speaker 173 And I got a chipped tooth and my nose is still fucked, but I also got a scar here at the bottom. And I woke up in hospital and shit, still confused about what happened.

Speaker 144 This is not where I thought that this story would be.

Speaker 67 I didn't realize the reason for it would be clumsy.

Speaker 120 You know, I thought so.

Speaker 173 I mean, I'm not the smartest person that I know.

Speaker 68 It's right.

Speaker 61 I don't even think you're from Australia, dude.

Speaker 128 I think you had a traumatic brain injury.

Speaker 61 And this new personality is what come out, and you're actually from Guadalajara, like we've assumed.

Speaker 25 From the beginning.

Speaker 12 And none of this is real.

Speaker 77 Ladies and gentlemen,

Speaker 33 Bruno.

Speaker 41 Bruno, Bruno.

Speaker 173 Thank you so much. We appreciate you.

Speaker 169 Thank you. Is that a good one?

Speaker 20 Here's a medium-sized joke book for you.

Speaker 20 There's a black guy on edibles.

Speaker 104 It's like, what the hell are these jokebooks flying at?

Speaker 30 Hey, over there.

Speaker 20 There you go, buddy.

Speaker 33 There he goes. Bruno, everyone.

Speaker 28 What's that?

Speaker 20 These wild energies.

Speaker 37 These Australians are wild.

Speaker 20 One last last bucketful. Make some noise for him.

Speaker 37 It's Luke Wright, everyone. Luke Wright.

Speaker 43 Well, hello, all the people.

Speaker 137 My name's Luke.

Speaker 137 I identify as a BBC,

Speaker 151 badly balding Caucasian.

Speaker 137 Yeah, I had a pretty rough rough childhood.

Speaker 137 My dad beat me with conservative values.

Speaker 137 He's a big conspiracy theory guy, too.

Speaker 137 He thinks 9-11 was an inside job. I think that's pretty ridiculous.
I think it pretty clearly happened outside.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 137 We were a religious household, too. You know, we went to church every Sunday.

Speaker 137 I was a cute kid. So I had to beat the priest off with a stick.

Speaker 137 Messed up. I mean, who wants to get beat off with a stick?

Speaker 137 Not that bad, though.

Speaker 137 We would go get Mexican food after to make me feel better.

Speaker 137 You know, now, whenever I want to feel like I'm back in my childhood, I just go and get some nice alpastor tacos.

Speaker 137 Yeah. Only now I have to pay for pastor meat in my mouth.
Oh my goodness.

Speaker 52 A lot of people pushing into the limit here.

Speaker 94 Luke Wright with a full set.

Speaker 111 Hi, Luke.

Speaker 77 How's it going? How are you?

Speaker 55 I'm doing all right.

Speaker 137 Uh, this is insane. This is awesome.
This is like a dream come true.

Speaker 75 This is, yeah, okay. Yeah.

Speaker 61 Uh, I'm good.

Speaker 100 I just came in for the festival.

Speaker 66 God, uh, you don't believe me?

Speaker 27 Oh, no.

Speaker 59 No, how old are you?

Speaker 27 How old am I?

Speaker 137 I'm 23 years old.

Speaker 66 20

Speaker 92 years old.

Speaker 52 You don't look a day over Joe DeRosa.

Speaker 81 Why am I the go-to?

Speaker 61 I've never seen back-to-back contestants have one has the worst back of the head and then the worst front of the head.

Speaker 112 My God, you're aging worse than the homeless guy is.

Speaker 137 Well, I would say like a fine wine, but there's nothing fine about this wine.

Speaker 134 I don't know. Oh, that was.

Speaker 106 That was amazing. That was amazing, Luke.

Speaker 24 So where are you from?

Speaker 150 I'm from Houston.

Speaker 111 Houston.

Speaker 41 And that's where you were born and raised?

Speaker 137 No, I was born and raised in Connecticut.

Speaker 101 Well, half and half.

Speaker 24 What made you, how long ago did you move to Houston?

Speaker 11 About 12 years old.

Speaker 137 So like half of my life I was in Houston. Half of my life I was in Connecticut.

Speaker 39 You just stayed 12 forever.

Speaker 134 Yeah, my body stayed 12.

Speaker 137 My face went to 30 real quick. Yeah.

Speaker 53 Okay. What do you do for work?

Speaker 137 Right now I'm working, or I'm about to start working on Wednesday at an art gallery doing like guest services stuff.

Speaker 149 Okay.

Speaker 39 What did you do before this?

Speaker 137 I was actually working here in Austin. I was working at a migrant shelter.

Speaker 113 A migrant shelter? Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 69 What were you doing at the migrant shelter?

Speaker 137 Basically, we would take people who got out of ICE attention and we would give them a place to stay,

Speaker 141 get on their feet.

Speaker 109 Why don't you tell us some of the stuff that you learned there about how migrants are handled here in the great state of Texas?

Speaker 137 Yeah, it's kind of crazy.

Speaker 56 Yeah, I bet it is.

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 15 so

Speaker 137 it's a people come across the border, right? And if you don't have a visa, you don't submit any papers beforehand, you're handled as an asylum seeker, basically. Uh-huh.

Speaker 137 So you go into ICE detention, and you're processed, they like do background checks, stuff like that. And then you're released, and you're basically...

Speaker 137 waiting on your case because everyone that comes into the country is fighting an immigration case. And once you're released from detention, you have to file an application for asylum.

Speaker 137 And while that application is being processed, you have to wait 180 days until you're able to legally work in this country.

Speaker 87 Right.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 137 people are let out of prison and expected to be able to sustain themselves for over, like at minimum, 180 days without being able to work legally.

Speaker 137 So that's kind of the hole that we filled as a shelter was giving people a place to go in the meantime while they were getting all their paperwork done.

Speaker 39 Right.

Speaker 52 So they have 180 days.

Speaker 121 Oh, these guys like

Speaker 39 a lot of supporters of people moving here that can't work or contribute to the economy in any way.

Speaker 50 Very interesting crowd.

Speaker 121 Must be the people visiting.

Speaker 21 Must be the people visiting from the Upper East Coast.

Speaker 94 Imagine, imagine.

Speaker 49 Imagine what it takes.

Speaker 78 They can legally work where they came from.

Speaker 162 How about that?

Speaker 117 God damn it.

Speaker 44 Huh?

Speaker 7 Hit him!

Speaker 70 Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 93 Wait, President Trump, what was that?

Speaker 20 Just stating the obvious here.

Speaker 12 Imagine coming here with all of your dreams.

Speaker 66 And as soon as you get here, they're like, your case will be handled by this small boy.

Speaker 127 You're like, I think we've made a mistake.

Speaker 20 Did any of them ever give you a hard time?

Speaker 120 Oh, no, they're all great people.

Speaker 78 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 139 You like them, huh?

Speaker 137 Well, no, I did almost get stabbed once.

Speaker 3 That's right.

Speaker 137 It was an almost. It was an almost.

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 132 What were they going to stab you with?

Speaker 137 It was scissors.

Speaker 118 What?

Speaker 68 Yeah. How did that go down?

Speaker 137 She came from a very messed up country.

Speaker 55 She. Yeah.

Speaker 137 She came over the entire family.

Speaker 64 That's what happened.

Speaker 120 They tried to text other girls.

Speaker 59 Don't fucking do that, dude.

Speaker 61 Trust me, I know.

Speaker 150 Don't fucking do that. Oh, man, you know the struggle.

Speaker 137 I mean,

Speaker 137 it's scary.

Speaker 86 So, she was she Latina?

Speaker 137 No, she was from Africa.

Speaker 101 From what? From Africa.

Speaker 87 Oh, boy, one of those.

Speaker 27 Okay.

Speaker 55 Was she from Uganda by any chance?

Speaker 134 No, it's like

Speaker 137 a small eastern country in Africa. I don't want to say specifically which one, but

Speaker 153 I don't think we know where they are.

Speaker 43 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 150 I forgot where we were. Shit.

Speaker 43 Okay.

Speaker 98 Did she say ah hell now right before

Speaker 98 the show?

Speaker 151 What was the...

Speaker 137 No, no, no, that's the west side. I'm talking about the east side.

Speaker 87 Okay. Nice.

Speaker 149 You have to be geographically confused right now.

Speaker 94 Okay.

Speaker 167 So,

Speaker 121 what happened?

Speaker 6 What was the dialogue before the scissor attack?

Speaker 137 She got in an argument with another one of the residents at the shelter and got very upset, was trying to like attack him. And I basically got between them so that she didn't hurt anyone.

Speaker 134 And yeah.

Speaker 17 Okay.

Speaker 128 It's nice.

Speaker 78 Look at you, a hero.

Speaker 101 I wouldn't go that far. I mean, I don't know.

Speaker 80 So you almost got attacked.

Speaker 52 What's your love life like, Luke?

Speaker 46 You seem like the kind of guy that loves,

Speaker 88 you know,

Speaker 20 hunting at a playground.

Speaker 127 It's a

Speaker 112 rocky molester that looks like a boy.

Speaker 5 He can play both roles.

Speaker 61 Yeah, he's a predator and a victim.

Speaker 137 No, it's rough. It's rough.

Speaker 88 Yeah, what's it like out there for you?

Speaker 137 It's just kind of hard to find

Speaker 170 people.

Speaker 170 Well,

Speaker 73 you know,

Speaker 137 you're looking at me. I mean, it's.

Speaker 139 But...

Speaker 55 No.

Speaker 61 Well, I mean, I don't think you're East African women's type.

Speaker 43 That's the thing.

Speaker 61 You're going. I mean, it's cool, but.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 49 you almost scissored with a migrant.

Speaker 37 There must be

Speaker 106 something going on.

Speaker 37 What detention center would you put these two Mexican women at exactly?

Speaker 27 Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 11 Oh, Canadian. Canadian, the worst of them all.

Speaker 137 Probably like North Dakota. I mean, it's pretty close.
I don't know. Perfect.

Speaker 27 So, Luke,

Speaker 52 when you say it's bad, I look like this, whatever, like, when's the last time you went on a date?

Speaker 2 About

Speaker 150 a year ago, ish.

Speaker 137 Year and a half ago.

Speaker 69 Who was that with?

Speaker 39 How did that go down?

Speaker 137 Um, that was just off of Tinder.

Speaker 88 Okay, so you're on Tinder, uh, not anymore.

Speaker 39 What, you just gave up, Tinder suicide?

Speaker 141 Uh, yeah, I just prefer to meet people in person, and that hasn't been going so well.

Speaker 112 Uh, not really, you're just standing by the Rio Grande waiting for me

Speaker 61 some bad timing,

Speaker 82 okay,

Speaker 137 grab the high-viz, you know.

Speaker 44 All right,

Speaker 56 uh,

Speaker 82 Have you ever...

Speaker 39 Well, you don't live in Austin.

Speaker 24 You live in Houston.

Speaker 52 Yep. You drove here.

Speaker 137 Yeah, I actually came here for the festival, and I wasn't even going to be signing up for this show, but then one of the other comedians let me stay with her.

Speaker 67 Whoa, with her.

Speaker 145 Someone had a baby crib?

Speaker 137 No, she is a grandmother.

Speaker 44 What?

Speaker 87 Wow.

Speaker 135 Okay.

Speaker 100 Yeah, no, she's a yeah, she's a grandmother.

Speaker 137 She's pretty old.

Speaker 141 I don't know exactly how old.

Speaker 134 I don't ask. I I don't know.

Speaker 137 I'm a sick fuck with a place to stay.

Speaker 44 That's it. That's it.
Good for y'all.

Speaker 39 Congratulations, Luke.

Speaker 40 Fun times. You got through it.

Speaker 78 You did it.

Speaker 168 I'm out of medium joke books.

Speaker 52 Here's a big joke book for you, Luke.

Speaker 20 There you go. There it is.

Speaker 20 We've had fun. There's only one way to end a show like this, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 20 While there was no Cam Patterson this episode, while there was no Hans Kim, there was no Ari Mati.

Speaker 25 There is one person who is here tonight

Speaker 20 who is going to blow your mind to absolute shreds. I'm positive of it because he is the record holder for all time appearances on this show and interviews on this show.

Speaker 20 A living member, the first living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame.

Speaker 22 Ladies and gentlemen, you might know him as the Montenegro

Speaker 77 Mauler, the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla.

Speaker 3 This is the big red machine, William Montgomery.

Speaker 131 Quick pro tip, if you ever get to meet bone thugs in Harmony, don't ask, which one of you is Harmony?

Speaker 131 I used to seal the deal with girls in college by going to their apartment and offering to clean their bathroom, and then I would unseal the deal by taking a shit afterwards.

Speaker 131 I'm starting an Ultimate Frisbee fantasy league and we're already bankrupt.

Speaker 131 One rule I did have to enforce on the league was hacky sack is illegal in the offseason.

Speaker 66 People are hurting their ankles.

Speaker 152 Okay, connection between hacky sack and fuck Ultimate Frisbee.

Speaker 131 Tony, I actually recently invented an anti-gravity bong.

Speaker 18 It doesn't work, but I was also pretty high when I invented it.

Speaker 131 Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 29 William

Speaker 44 lights out.

Speaker 41 Montgomery.

Speaker 56 The great gumball of the North.

Speaker 41 The one and the only. William Montgomery.

Speaker 131 Jared Nathan got wheeled out of the front of this fucking building. He literally came up into the green room vomiting, sick as shit.

Speaker 131 He had a fever, and they literally wheeled him out like 10 minutes ago.

Speaker 50 Are you serious?

Speaker 49 Yeah. Wait, shut up.
No, seriously.

Speaker 131 He seemed really sick. Y'all really, y'all disinfected this, right?

Speaker 131 I swear to God, he literally fell out. He vomited a bunch in the freaking green room.
And I had been joking the whole time that Jared Nathan seemed super sick.

Speaker 131 And you know me, Tony, I'm kind of a germaphobe person.

Speaker 131 And then he starts vomiting and he hits his head a little bit on the ground it really wasn't that seriously it wasn't that bad but they had to get him out in a stretcher out front are you serious yeah

Speaker 66 holy

Speaker 131 so i'm just happy to be here right now it literally no seriously i mean i was excited about being here tonight and everything and then i'm joking with his ass i'm like don't don't touch me you seem so sick he literally kept on trying to touch me he was joking around and he stutters a bunch so it could be hard to kind of understand what he's even saying to my fucking ass i just try to be nice but he ended up vomiting and

Speaker 72 all of that at once.

Speaker 25 He started vomiting and hit his head.

Speaker 131 He vomited a bunch and he made this weird noise. And we all kind of look at him and it got on Janice a little bit.
Red Band's Janice.

Speaker 94 Yeah, it got on her a little bit.

Speaker 50 Red Band's girlfriend, soon-to-be wife, Janice.

Speaker 10 Did he stutter when he vomited?

Speaker 72 Was it like a mist?

Speaker 43 No, he seemed.

Speaker 85 I don't feel so good.

Speaker 64 I don't feel so good.

Speaker 10 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 131 It was kind of like that, but no, it seemed like he was more scared.

Speaker 111 Right.

Speaker 76 Well, a way to put a little ribbon of sadness on it there at the end.

Speaker 27 Amazing. What's going on in your life, William?

Speaker 112 You're a superstar.

Speaker 131 Oh, my gosh. Finally, I.

Speaker 174 I was in Connecticut this past weekend. It was fun.
I was in a mall. I had a good time in Connecticut.
The club, though, Tony, they promised me they were going to get me two pizzas.

Speaker 169 I don't have a lot on my rider.

Speaker 174 All I I have is throat coat, honey,

Speaker 131 and soda waters with limes. I don't ask for a lot.

Speaker 174 And then on Saturday night, I try to get a pizza from a place called Pepe's, and they swore to me. They were ordering my two pizzas, and they didn't come at all.

Speaker 169 And then I

Speaker 69 started thinking,

Speaker 128 what do they hate me?

Speaker 174 I really start wondering if the free is, it's like an issue with the

Speaker 82 right.

Speaker 145 You wanted your Pepe's.

Speaker 38 You were going to eat two pizzas?

Speaker 131 Huh? You were going to to eat two ones? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 55 I've been really hungry.

Speaker 23 What were the toppings that you went with on these two pizzas?

Speaker 114 It destroyed delete.

Speaker 131 Tony, what did I not have on those motherfuckers?

Speaker 157 We had fucking anchovies all that thing.

Speaker 38 Oof, ooh, oof, oof, oof.

Speaker 87 Whoa.

Speaker 23 What's going on?

Speaker 11 I think you have what Jared has.

Speaker 169 No, my throat started hurting a little bit right on that. I've luckily two weeks off.

Speaker 131 Yeah, Tony. It's bad.

Speaker 45 If you scream at all, your throat clinches up now.

Speaker 3 It hurt right there.

Speaker 55 Hold on.

Speaker 55 I have.

Speaker 49 This is like if... Tomato!

Speaker 34 The people are not going to enjoy this.

Speaker 41 This is like if Gallagher came down with a watermelon allergy.

Speaker 33 One of your trademarks is

Speaker 169 so bad. Hold on.
What else? I had like masks!

Speaker 56 Oh, wait, wait.

Speaker 50 I think your throat hurting might be hilarious.

Speaker 92 Hold on a second.

Speaker 127 No, it really hurts, Tony.

Speaker 37 What else was on the pizza?

Speaker 91 Oh, yeah, Peppo.

Speaker 157 Right, it's a let's go.

Speaker 43 No, that would really hurt.

Speaker 17 That would really hurt.

Speaker 93 This is all just on one pizza?

Speaker 17 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 85 Is that all? Is that all?

Speaker 149 It's like a Supreme.

Speaker 23 It was a Supreme.

Speaker 24 Okay, what was on the other pizza?

Speaker 66 Ooh, extra. Jesus!

Speaker 127 Maybe that's a better way to...

Speaker 24 Okay, we can see him clenching up, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 40 A whole new storyline to keep your eyes on.

Speaker 8 William can no longer see.

Speaker 39 What else was on the second pizza?

Speaker 157 Tell us. We got an iceberg lettuce.
Lettuce! Oh, that's it!

Speaker 28 You got iceberg lettuce.

Speaker 22 I'd never even heard of such a thing before.

Speaker 171 Connecticut.

Speaker 131 Yeah, it was like a hamburger pizza.

Speaker 65 Oh. Oh, it's good.

Speaker 131 Extra cheese, iceberg lettuce.

Speaker 45 Was there sour?

Speaker 131 It's just got an ad.

Speaker 169 Oh.

Speaker 174 Yeah, extra cheese.

Speaker 169 Iceberg lettuce.

Speaker 174 I call it a hamburger pizza because it kind of reminds me of Big Mac.

Speaker 87 Ooh.

Speaker 39 What else was on it?

Speaker 80 Was there?

Speaker 169 Some Dowson Island.

Speaker 66 Traffic!

Speaker 58 Okay!

Speaker 25 Okay, only me and Red Man find this amusing for some reason.

Speaker 86 Every once in a while, you just gotta enjoy it.

Speaker 24 So you didn't get your Pepe's pizzas.

Speaker 69 What did you end up eating that night?

Speaker 39 It's a lonely road out there, especially almost more than anywhere in Connecticut.

Speaker 174 I got two orders of chicken wings to go, and and it was kind of funny.

Speaker 131 One of Dan Medonia, who you know, he was one of the guys who's on the show.

Speaker 174 It was very fun, and I guess he farted when I finally opened up my chicken wings.

Speaker 131 And I thought immediately my brain equated it with the chicken being spoiled because it smelled kind of like spoiled chicken, but it was actually just his farts.

Speaker 131 So then I ended up forcing myself to eat it, watching forensic files in the hotel room after

Speaker 94 it was cold.

Speaker 3 It was gross.

Speaker 174 but wow it was fun slipped an hour and a half rest in peace to marianne uh romero erica's sweet grandmother she passed away on friday shout outs to your girlfriend's dead grandmother that part is real ladies and gentlemen that's

Speaker 131 very sad no red band

Speaker 131 That actually, Red Band, normally I just kind of don't think your stupid ass is funny because I think everybody kind of knows that. I think you get lucky every now and again, but it was kind of

Speaker 131 that genuinely was a little offensive. So if you could say you're sorry, I would appreciate it.

Speaker 10 When you said shout out, I thought you meant, you know, shout out to my, you know, like TLC.

Speaker 131 Oh, I get it.

Speaker 42 Wow.

Speaker 40 Wow. So your girlfriend's grandmother passed away.

Speaker 52 She's up in heaven eating.

Speaker 50 She's up in heaven. She's wonderful.

Speaker 131 She was so hospitable to me.

Speaker 174 That's when I was living in LA, just doing my cocaine, drinking my butt ices all night long.

Speaker 73 She was so very nice.

Speaker 49 Oh, I do remember.

Speaker 72 She was hospitable to me.

Speaker 174 I greatly appreciate her love for you.

Speaker 50 She's very enabling to your bad habits.

Speaker 125 I remember that.

Speaker 39 Now she's up there eating Pepe's pizza.

Speaker 157 Tony.

Speaker 12 You can have all the toppings you want in heaven.

Speaker 43 Did you know that?

Speaker 52 So, William, what else?

Speaker 69 How do we put a ribbon on this thing?

Speaker 39 Tell these people

Speaker 39 what's going on in your life.

Speaker 174 Well, the election is coming up. I just hope everybody is registered to vote.

Speaker 40 Yeah, what's that thing called?

Speaker 40 What's that thing called? The thingy?

Speaker 88 There's a place you can go to register to vote.

Speaker 11 The polls.

Speaker 27 And this episode is...

Speaker 94 Yeah, go to the polls this year.

Speaker 149 Brought to you by them.

Speaker 23 Yes, you can also register there.

Speaker 145 Oh, yeah, that is kind of a thing.

Speaker 68 I get it now.

Speaker 152 Yeah, register to vote.

Speaker 94 Go to the polls. Go to actually voice your opinion.

Speaker 174 You got to go to the polls. You can't just register.
You have to go to the polls.

Speaker 84 That's how you vote.

Speaker 58 Everyone's in this room.

Speaker 131 And pray for Jerry Nathan. Seriously.
Jerry Nathan. Jared Nathan.
Pray for Jared Nathan.

Speaker 94 He really was not good.

Speaker 168 Jared, a Canadian, is is probably voting three times in this election.

Speaker 51 If we know anything about how

Speaker 135 it works.

Speaker 39 But if you go to sendthavote.org slash Tony, you can register to vote.

Speaker 69 But vote for the right person.

Speaker 39 Because if you like this show, I'll tell you, they already make us bleep certain words. And there's one of the candidates that isn't exactly that big on free speech.

Speaker 39 I'm not going to give anything away.

Speaker 106 Oh, you're welcome, Mr. President.

Speaker 20 William, we love you.

Speaker 146 Nice to be here.

Speaker 20 William lights out Montgomery, the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Montenegro Mahler, the Virginia Ham.

Speaker 35 The drawing from Ryan J.

Speaker 20 E-Belt is in and it's incredible.

Speaker 89 Chris DeStepano's on tour.

Speaker 20 Get tickets of Christy Comedy going to Phoenix and Miami.

Speaker 37 Chrissy Chaos, he's also putting out long clips of his stand-up on YouTube every Sunday at Christy Comedy on YouTube.

Speaker 25 That's C-H-R-I-S-D Comedy.

Speaker 51 And yeah, that's great.

Speaker 20 Joe DeRosa, ladies and gentlemen, makes noise for Joe. Joe DeRosa.com.

Speaker 20 He's doing a Christmas show in Massachusetts December 7th.

Speaker 25 He also has the great Joey Roses, one of my favorite sandwich shops in the world.

Speaker 40 Fully operational in New York City.

Speaker 20 Hopefully coming here to Austin, Texas soon.

Speaker 120 We hope so.

Speaker 56 We hope so.

Speaker 56 A lot of great stuff happening.

Speaker 36 Thanks to HelloFresh and Mando for sponsoring this episode.

Speaker 22 How about one more time for the best stamp band in the land, everybody?

Speaker 77 Guys, check out SunsetStripATX.com.

Speaker 44 Love you guys.

Speaker 59 Thank you guys.

Speaker 20 Good night, everybody.

Speaker 58 Love you. Bye-bye.

Speaker 141 Is now dumber for having listened to it.

Speaker 44 Everyone in this room.

Speaker 44 Everyone everyone in this room

Speaker 44 Everyone in this room

Speaker 44 Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it

Speaker 44 Everyone in this room is now everyone in this room

Speaker 44 everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it everyone in this room

Speaker 44 everyone

Speaker 44 everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened

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Speaker 176 Yo, this is important, man.

Speaker 176 My favorite Lululemon shorts, the ones you got me back in the day, I think they're called Pacebreakers. The ones with all the pockets.
I just got back from vacation and I left them in my hotel room.

Speaker 176 And dude, I need to replace these shorts. I wear them like three times a week.
Could you send me the link to where you got them? Oh, also, my birthday is coming up soon. So, anyways, thanks, bro.

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Speaker 154 Every Tuesday.

Speaker 177 Head to Lululemon.com to shop What's New Gear?

Speaker 2 Today, we're exploring deep in the North American wilderness among nature's wildest plants, animals, and

Speaker 2 cows.

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Exactly.

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#687 - JOE DEROSA + CHRIS DISTEFANO

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Transcript

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