#687 - JOE DEROSA + CHRIS DISTEFANO

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And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

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Are you guys ready for the best fucking show you've ever seen, huh?

Here we go.

Anything can happen.

I lined up two of the funniest guests that we've ever had on this show.

Two of the funniest guests in the world.

Two of my favorite comedians.

Legends of New York.

Here quite often because Austin is the new comedy capital of the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, your guests tonight, two of the greatest.

Make some noise for Chris DeStefano and Joe DeRosa.

Oh, yeah, baby.

226 signups and two of my favorite guests of all time.

What's up, Chris?

Hello, how you doing?

Feeling good?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

We're going to have some fucking fun tonight.

Yep.

Beautiful crowd.

There it is.

Great hat.

This guy wearing a fucking Gucci bucket hat.

I know, dude.

You really look like an idiot.

Yeah.

It's unbelievable.

But it's good.

You're owning it, and it's about confidence.

Yeah, wow.

No, don't pull it down.

It makes it worse.

But it's good.

Good for you.

That is an incredible hat.

Joe DeRessa, what do you think about how dumb this fucking guy looks?

What do the GGs on it stand for?

Wow, you're so poor and cheap.

It stands for, the GG stands for gay guy.

That's how I know what it is.

Wait, what do the GGs stand for?

Gucci.

You fucking free t-shirt-wearing motherfucker.

You bought that?

I like that you're wearing the thing your dad bought you at the game.

Don't fucking start.

We just got out here.

Oh, Michael's playing those drums.

Oh, he did not like me saying he just works out and plays the drums.

One joke on Tony.

Just...

You angry little fucking Mexican bastard.

Look at this fucking bad boy burrito back here.

Jesus Christ, fucking spicy quesadilla tonight, huh?

Woo!

All right.

Fucking unbelievable.

Oh, your dad bought you a shirt.

Michael just.

Shut the fuck up back there, you motherfucking.

Sound like a Tommy Lee solo.

I made a joke about Michael during the commercial break, and he's getting his revenge over here.

I got my eyes on you, dude.

All right, 226 sign-ups tonight.

The show is absolutely out of control.

They're all waiting in a bar across the street.

I pre-pull a name, and one of our lovely, lovely human beings goes and wrangles them from the bar across the street.

In the meanwhile, you know how it works.

If I bring them up, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know, their time is up, and you have the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear.

Ooh, fans of the kitten here tonight.

Oh, it's Heidi.

Heidi came up.

Wow, I was wondering why the cat got a standing ovation in the room.

I was wondering why all the guys have boners.

Wasn't the sound of it.

I thought you guys were just die-hard fans of the show popping for the cat, but

turns out it was a pussy.

All right.

While we wrangle our first bucket pull from across the street, ladies and gentlemen, we have an amazing golden ticket winner who we've watched grow on the show for about, geez, Louise, five or six years.

We originally found him in Houston, Texas, when he was just a very young buck.

And here, with a brand new minute, getting the stand-up comedy portion of the show started, this is a brand new minute from Golden Ticket Winner, the adorable and likable and lovely.

Make some noise for Enrique Chacone, ladies and gentlemen.

Here we go.

Yo, yo, yo, what's up, motherfuckers?

How we feeling tonight?

Hell yeah, man.

I had to stop driving Uber Eats

because I started abusing my own supply.

Hands the weight gain.

And if I'm your Uber Eats driver and I've been dropping off McDonald's at your shitty college campus and you're only tipping me 86 cents, I'm sorry, bro, but I'm gonna put my dick in your fish sandwich, dude.

At that point, that ain't tartar sauce anymore.

That's Tres Leches now.

You wondering why the McDonald's tastes so good this week?

Where's this new recipe coming from?

Oh, it's coming.

It's coming from south of the border, bitch.

But yeah, man, this is how I knew I got fat from Uber.

I knew I got fat because my girlfriend, she spontaneously started sucking my titties in the bedroom, bro.

Big guys, anybody else get their titties sucked, dude?

Man, dude, she started sucking my titties so good, bro.

And ladies, I understand now.

I was trying so hard not to moan.

And then she really started sucking, bro.

And I turned into a little farm animal.

And I never cum so much in my life, y'all.

Thank you.

Enrique Chacone with a pretty fucking disgusting set.

I'm nasty like that.

Coming with your titties getting sucked on,

nutting on someone's fish sandwich.

Hey,

Chris looks like he's into it, bro.

He keeps fucking nodding.

100%, dude.

Latinos, I'm in.

Oh, bro.

Just letting you know I am a man.

You know what I mean?

You kind of look like Elliot Page if he was fat and Mexican.

You know what?

I'm so illegal.

I don't know who the fuck that is, but

I'll receive it, dude.

You fucking transphobe.

Yeah.

Joe, they wrote.

You work for Uber Eats.

You look like you eat Ubers.

Bro, Dude, I was abusing my Uber Eats orders, Joe.

Joe, you look like the stepdad that sent me to Fat Camp, bro.

I don't know, dude.

It feels a little hostile.

But yeah, man, I'm a big fan, bro.

I used to do the secret group, and that's the club that I started in, bro.

Oh, that's great, man.

Yeah, man.

Thank you for the compliment.

Joe DeRosa.

Yeah, Joe named it after his sexuality.

Hey, you know what?

I can't speak to that, bro, because you know, I have a non-binary face, dude.

I can't fucking speak to that shit.

You really don't wish I could.

Looks pretty binary to me.

I bet there's been a lot of ones and zeros that sat on that face.

Ooh.

Ooh, a smart binary joke.

I mean, you know, no big deal.

Who's keeping track of...

Who's keeping track of how much?

I'm an avid ass eater, bro.

Fuck it, bro.

Okay, what does that have to do with anything?

I mean, no one even brought that up, but alright.

I was going to guess ass was one of the only things you didn't eat, but here we are, clearly.

Clearly, there's calories, heavy caloric asshole you're eating out there.

As he wipes the sweat from his morbidly...

This is a fucking prop, dude.

Because it's wet, too.

What?

Yeah, exactly.

Why is it a prop?

Explain what you mean.

Oh, like, dude, every time I do a punchline before the punchline, I wiped dude, you know what I'm saying?

And then I drop the punchline, bro.

Is that whole thing just soaked?

Is the back as wet as the front?

It's not as wet as my back, but you know what I'm saying?

It's almost there, Tony.

It's almost there, dude.

You took the ball and you ran with it, little Inrique, my little tiny baby boy.

You know what I mean?

Whenever you wipe the sweat off, does the crusted Cinnabon cream rehydrate?

And I'll save it a go and put it in my microwave later, you know.

Hell yeah, dude.

Oh, shit.

It looks like you've been wiping your hairline off, you know.

know.

Oh,

I'm sorry, Jack.

I'm sorry, buddy.

I'm such a English fan of you.

I had to get one in.

Oh, my God.

I deserve that.

And I'll take it from the person this room was named after.

The fat man.

And all these people came inside me.

So, yeah.

Oh, my God.

You dirty little fucking beach ball bitch.

Enrique, you're a little wild boy.

Yeah, man.

So, what else?

You really doing Uber Eats now?

Is that what's happening?

I had to stop doing it.

I did it for like a week, and I was like, man, fuck this shit.

Because I had some time before I hit the road on the weekend.

Yeah.

But yeah, that's when I started doing it.

You're just driving around.

You're picking up.

You smell the food.

You smell the food.

Yeah, you're driving around and you're smelling it.

So my weight gain is not my fault, dude.

It's Uber Eats.

You look good though, dude.

You don't look good.

You look good.

Yeah.

What are you, what are you blocking?

What happened?

What are you talking about?

Sani.

He's hating on himself.

He's not fucking up.

He's not that bad.

How old are you?

Hey, 28.

You're going to make it to, you'll make it to 30.

Okay.

It's not terrible.

Hey, Chris, you sound like my planet fitness trainer, Doug.

I know.

I know, dude.

You look like a planet.

Oh!

What up?

Fuck yeah, bro.

All right.

What do you do?

Do you do anything to work out at all?

Man,

my ass has been sore all day, bro, but not because of any gay shit, dude.

I've been biking, right?

And, dude,

man, my my taint is destroyed right now, bro.

Why would that be?

I don't know.

This seat, man, something about the seat just makes my ass.

What are you on?

A fucking municipal?

What are we talking about here?

The seat of your car?

No, I've just been biking.

I've been biking like six miles, five miles a day.

You know, I'm just playing every other day, bro.

I'm not biking six miles a day.

That's incredible.

But yeah, dude.

I'd love to see those tires.

Have you seen a 450 outside bitch?

Oh, my goodness.

It's a lowrider.

But yeah, I was biking with my disabled friend.

He has a bum knee, bro.

He said we were going to do 15 miles.

I was like, fuck it.

If he's disabled, I could do it.

Hell no.

He beat me, man.

He beat me.

Dude, Stephen Hawking could beat you.

I'll fuck his ass hard, bro.

He's dead.

Anything else crazy going on in life, Enrique?

Yeah, man.

Oh, since I quit my job, right?

I've been hitting the road pretty hard.

So I'm booked out to December.

So that's fucking good news, right?

And

yeah, man.

just out here doing it, bro, taking all these little clubs, you know.

I've been uh on the road with Heath Cordes and uh Rick Diaz.

I love it.

So, uh, yeah, man, we have a few dates, but we did uh Philadelphia last week, bro, and that shit was cool.

We ran up the Rocky Steps, you know, where Rocky was doing his shit.

I was just playing, I didn't run it,

yeah.

Took the Rocky Road,

you son of a bitch.

I know what I'm getting on my Uber Eats order later tonight, dude.

I

Can I give you a tip of advice?

For a man that sweats the way you do, wear one shirt.

Hey, look, man.

It's either sweat or titties, bro.

And I don't see any dollar bills.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Do you live in around here?

Yeah, I live in Austin.

This weekend, I'm doing shows in Dallas.

Do you want to do a spawn on one of the shows?

Whoa, look at that, Enrique.

Hey!

Look at that.

Got a real gig out of it.

Amazing stuff.

There he goes, Enrique Chacone, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you.

All right.

And the show has begun.

Someone just got a real spot at our real club this weekend.

Sold-out show with Chris DiSteppano.

That's it.

How cool is that?

Amazing.

Let's do it, man.

We're going to stock up the green room for him.

We'll get them going.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Maybe.

Make a me too, that kid.

I know he does have a nice fat ass.

That's a meat trace.

Or me too.

Me dose.

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

To the bucket we go.

Your first bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen.

This is where we meet someone all together.

Anything can happen.

Could make them a star.

They could embarrass themselves.

They could be great.

They could suck.

Their minute might suck.

But their interview could be great.

Their minute could be great.

Their interview might suck.

Ladies and gentlemen, the whole thing is improvised.

Anything can happen.

Make some noise for your bucket pull of the night.

Emily Wade, everybody, a new minute from Emily Wade.

What's up, Kill Tony?

How are we doing tonight?

My name's Emily Wade.

I'm 26.

My dad's 66.

And recently, he married a Ugandan mail order bride who's younger than me.

Which has been great for my mental health.

Let me tell you that

Which is great for my mental health.

Most people go to sleep at night.

They count sheep.

They count cows jumping over the moon.

Me?

I count the amount of times my dad's gotten sloppy from somebody who's still watching SpongeBob on repeat.

And I come every time.

Let me tell you.

He does all this shit for this bitch that he never did for me.

He paid for her rent.

He paid for her car.

He paid for her college.

I had to drop out twice because I couldn't afford to go back to school.

If I had known that's all it would take,

I'd have sucked the fuck out of my dad's dick years ago.

Talk about a full fucking ride.

Now, don't worry, my dad knows I do that joke.

He actually came up to me after my set.

He goes, Emily, I just want you to know everything you said tonight is absolutely true.

How would you feel about going back to college?

And I'm excited to announce I'll be starting at YouTube.

Okay, the bear has come out, a full set, and then some from Emily Wade.

Hello, Emily.

Welcome to the Kill Tony universe.

How do you feel after that?

You know, I shouldn't have stopped for 10 seconds, but it is what it is.

You did do that, and there's nothing you can do to change that.

That is incredible.

It will live in history, and you're realizing it and still living in it right now.

I can.

The same nervousness that happened that made that happen still exists right now to you.

Oh, I'm in it.

I love it.

How long have you been doing stand-up, Emily?

I've been doing comedy for a year.

One year.

Are you from here in Austin?

I'm originally from Boston.

I just moved here from Miami, Florida.

Boston.

Originally from Boston.

You just named two places that nobody likes.

Congratulations.

Absolutely amazing.

Amazing.

What do you do for a living, Emily?

I have a stand-up comedy podcast with my best friend called Two Girls, One Blunt Podcast.

Okay.

There you go.

For those of you that like unbelievable breaks of silence during your podcast, be sure to listen to that one.

Or you could listen to nothing.

It's kind of the same thing.

Guys, what do you think about Emily?

I actually, Emily, I thought the most important part of your set, and I'm not being funny, I thought the most important part of it.

We know.

You know?

Let me tell you something.

Let me tell you something.

This guy calls me 30 minutes ago, goes, I'm in a jam.

Can you please come down there for the show?

I did not say I'm in a jam.

You said you're in a pickle.

But that was up your ass.

Come down, you shit all over me.

I mean, it's what the fuck.

Joe, we're 10 minutes into the podcast.

You can't have a whole meltdown already.

Oh, this is in the whole one.

A fun fact, for those of you, there's no way you could know, but Joe and I drink together a few nights a week, and we have an outrageous amount of fun.

Yes, yeah.

Are we going to drink tonight?

A little bit?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Makes up for

all the hurt.

All the hurt goes away.

Oh, the bar.

No, I was going to say this.

I actually thought the most important part of your set was when you did stop.

No, I'm serious.

I'm very serious.

Because it was you going, fuck.

And you were like, nope, fuck.

We're at.

And you took a minute for your, or 10 seconds for yourself.

And that's important.

You'll go, as you grow as a comic, you'll learn how to do that and not show it as much to the audience.

But that's important that you had that comfort level, you can call it nervousness, whatever, that you were able to go, you know what?

No, fuck it.

Hold on.

Give me a second.

I gotta, whatever.

I don't know.

I thought that was good.

And I think you have

go ahead, clutch.

Wow.

And I also think that you have great premises.

And this is advice somebody gave me once, and it changed the way I rode.

You have great premises.

Yeah, the advice Joe got, and then he stopped doing comedy and opened up his sandwich shop.

So that was the advice.

That was the advice.

They were like, please do something else.

They're like, you know what?

You would be better at?

Cold cuts.

I am this close to opening a hot dog stand.

Fucking try me.

I honestly, I honestly.

Perfect.

I honestly, Emily, I thought, I thought, one year you've been doing it?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think like that, it's amazing for you to even come up and be able to do this.

and then to to recover you know after you stop in recovery it was amazing and i just you know i really think you're awesome and me you know me and your dad would love to hang out with you after this

i'm trying to get into ut austin so let's go let's do it

no but i was gonna say do you have these great premises with this real story don't go for don't go for the shock value not true punchlines like explore the truth of it and there's a lot of really funny shit in there you know what's crazy everybody says that but i'm a 12-year-old boy at heart, and I think about sex all the time.

So, like, is that not my truth?

With

your dad, that might be a problem.

What?

Whoa, I don't know.

We can't get too deep on it.

Jesus.

I got hard and soft at the same time there.

I'm a 12-year-old boy, and then what a crash after that.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, people tell you that.

Comedians tell you that, is what you're saying.

Yes, sir.

Comedians that are a lot more experienced than you and wildly successful, probably.

Yes.

Yeah, so I would listen to them.

Maybe there's some truth to it.

So let's talk real for a second about this Ugandan woman that your father is.

Yeah, my stepmother.

That's your stepmother.

They got married.

Wow.

Yeah.

Is she

hot?

Yes.

She's a hot, very black woman.

Yeah, very thick.

My dad's a chubby chaser.

He loves to overshare.

He's always like, Emily, I love thick booty bitches.

They called me a chubby chaser.

I was like, dad, why didn't they just call you a f ⁇ it?

Like normal kids.

There it is.

There it is.

That's an interesting f ⁇ et drop there.

I like to save a good fit for a good

time.

I don't know why chasing a thick girl would make him a f ⁇ ing.

Here?

Is your mom, stepmom, and dad here?

In the country?

Well, like,

they didn't come to watch you.

No, they did not come to watch me, unfortunately.

This woman would rather stay in a Ugandan village than watch me comedy

so she lives here now oh she does okay yep she moved in with my dad no he paid for her visa too for a visa okay wow okay yeah but that's nice so he seems like a good guy

yeah I wish he gave me more except for you know abandonment issues but here we are right well well you got to take what you can get

So what was it like when your dad brought home Aunt Jemima for the first time?

Oh, what do you mean?

It's a black woman.

What show do you think you went to tonight?

What do you want me to bring out Jimmy Fallon right now?

Yeah.

Huh?

You want to hear a 10-minute monologue from Jimmy Fallon?

And let me do my fucking Aunt Jemima reference.

How'd you feel?

Can you ask a question again?

No, it is really.

There was no, I just wanted to do that joke.

It's not a real answer.

It's fine.

What was the joke?

Go ahead.

What was the joke?

Well, he said, no, it's fine.

You can't explain a joke.

That's fucking gay.

Why not?

Well, what's amazing is that you're so white.

You're like this, like, angelic, like doll type of like, like, white trash doll.

Yeah.

My dad does live in a trailer.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow, with a Ugandan.

With a Ugandan.

She moved out because it wasn't nice enough for her.

So he bought her a visa.

Wait, she moved.

Hold on.

She moved out of the, where did she go?

I mean, she started in a mud hut.

She moved to a trailer and she's like, no, I need a high rise.

Wow.

Yeah.

Absolutely incredible.

Well, Emily, congratulations.

You got the show started out of the bucket.

Here's a little joke book.

Oh, wow.

That was amazing.

It almost went in Joe's can of liquid death.

Thank you.

There she goes, ladies and gentlemen.

Emily Wade.

And it has begun.

You get it.

Good job, man.

Anything can happen.

Someone could make it on this show.

Or

what you just saw could happen to you.

You could go silent.

The pressure can get to these people.

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Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest-paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, No, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Yeah, aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, think golder because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here.

Made for your chicken favorites at Participate in McDonald's for limited time.

Make some noise for your next bucket pull.

A brand new minute from Chris Reese, everybody.

Chris Reese.

So I was thinking the other day, just pondering, thinking to myself, were there any retarded kids on Epstein Island?

Like, do you think there's retarded kids on Epstein Island?

Yeah?

And can I ask you another question?

Do you think it's better to molest the normal kid or a retarded kid?

You don't have an answer?

Pussy.

I'll tell you, because there is a right answer.

It's retarded kid for sure.

You agree?

It's retarded, kid, for two reasons.

Reason number one, they're too goofy to testify.

Where'd he touch you?

I like fire trucks.

And reason number two,

a lot more drool.

Yeah.

I don't know if you ever fuck dry kid hole, but it's annoying.

Holy shit.

Chris Rees.

I feel like all that material was written by you trying to actually like molest kids.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, wow.

You got to do the research.

Wow.

All right.

Holy shit.

How are you, Chris?

You've been on this show before.

Yeah, I've done the show a couple times.

I've been doing good lately.

Yeah.

How old are you?

I'm 25.

25.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Seven years.

Seven years.

Wow.

So you started when you were 18?

Yes, sir.

Were you ever molested?

Oh, we've talked about this a couple times.

Hell yeah.

Really?

Goddamn right.

Molested and proud.

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

I'm one of those retarded kids I was talking about.

Yeah, it seems like it.

Unbelievable.

I don't remember our molestation talks.

I thought it was a risk asking that question.

Yeah.

Well, we talked about it.

It just got really sad.

Okay.

All right.

Why did it get sad?

I don't know.

Was it sad?

No.

No, you like it.

Yeah, I was having fun since I got molested.

Right, exactly.

You enjoyed it.

I was jerking him off.

I'm like, yes.

All right, Chris.

All right, Chris.

Settle down.

Tony,

where does comedy go from here?

What's happening?

I'm fucking my dad.

Molesting retarded kids.

Yeah.

I remember a guy would come out and talk about tide.

Yeah.

Something.

I feel like we're all going to get subpoenaed one day for like people are like admitting crimes.

You got the peanut part right.

That's true.

That's true.

So Chris, tell us more.

What are you doing for work?

What's going on with your life?

I live in San Marcus and I'm a cook at the torchies right now.

Wow.

Holy shit.

All right.

Yep.

Okay.

So halfway Halfway to hell.

Yeah.

This is incredible.

What do you love about your life?

What do you do for fun other than stand-up?

What do I love about my life?

Other than stand-up?

I don't really like the stand-up part that much.

Why don't you like that?

I don't know.

I live with my best friend.

Hold on.

Tell us about what you just said.

Why don't you like the stand-up part that much?

It's just too many fucking weirdos, dude.

You're one of them.

That's why.

You mean there's too many people trying?

The scene is overwhelmed with a lot of people.

So the open mics aren't quite as open as they once were.

You've been here for a bit, right?

A few years.

Where are you originally from?

I'm from Tacoma, Washington.

And how long have you been in Texas?

I moved here about four years ago.

Okay.

Yeah.

So you've watched the explosion.

And what you're talking about is that, what, you get less spots?

How does this affect you?

Oh, no, it's just too many people.

I don't like being around a lot of people who have social anxiety, I guess.

Well, you picked the right industry for that.

For sure.

It's tough.

There is a lot of competition.

You got to do things to stand out.

So I would suggest showering.

He's got good hair.

Oh, thank you.

I like it.

It is.

I mean, it doesn't look clean, but that's kind of like a look.

Oh, yeah.

You know, right?

Lean into it, dude.

Lean into it.

Lean into it.

Oh, yeah.

I won't take showers anymore, dude.

Yeah, dude.

Fuck it.

What's the difference?

The most handsome guy on the stage is telling me.

You want to take showers.

Yeah, dude.

Absolutely.

To the kids, yeah.

How old is your roommate?

How old is my roommate?

He's like 32.

He works here.

It's Adam Lucky.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, we know Adam very well.

Okay, so what do you guys do for fun?

You love being his roommate so much.

You guys play video games?

I watch him play video games.

We watch movies all the time.

You guys smoke pot together?

No, I don't smoke pot.

You don't?

You look like that?

Yeah.

That's amazing.

Anyway, you saying I watch him play video games was creepier than the retarded kid show.

Yeah.

Sober, too.

You're just sober sitting there just watching him play video games.

Like, good job.

That's fucking scary, dude.

Why are you sober?

Why am I sober?

I just don't smoke weed.

I do everything else, pretty much.

Oh, okay.

Wow.

Look at that.

Amazing.

Why do you have all the marks?

You have like a, you get bit by bugs?

You have like...

Oh, I'm a cook, so I burn myself a lot.

Wow, you burn yourself a lot.

It's incredible.

It's amazing.

You're intentional.

You're bad at it.

It's amazing.

Somewhere out there,

Emily orders some tacos.

This fucking guy burns himself making them and Enrique picks them up and delivers them.

What a weird world we're living in where you know the life of your bucket pulls throughout the day.

All right, Chris.

Well, you already have a joke book?

Yes, sir.

Okay, well, there he goes.

Chris Reese, let's keep it moving along.

Let's fly through it.

You guys having fun out there, huh?

All right, your next comedian's been on before.

Make some noise for the return.

A brand new minute from Chen, ladies and gentlemen, the return of Chen.

We know Chen.

My friends used to call me gay.

When I came out as trans,

They begged me to go back to being gay.

Apparently, if you suck a dick, it's pretty gay.

But if you're sucking a dick while wearing a dress, that makes it super gay.

Sometimes people ask me, hey, are you trans?

And I will go, yes.

But if you guess it wrong, I'll have to fist you.

And

lastly,

it's not easy being trans.

So sometimes I joke with my boyfriend about how much easier it would be for me to transition from a taker to a giver.

He immediately offered to help me transition from alive to dead.

Thank you.

Buck yeah, Chen.

Having the Texas crowd very confused right now.

I love it.

There's nothing people people from Texas love more than

a trans Eskimo coming up and talking about sucking dicks while wearing dresses.

This is incredible.

Chen, welcome back to the show.

Yes.

Good to see you again.

We see each other a lot around.

You're always up and down 6th Street.

And so welcome, welcome.

You've been on the show multiple times.

And how is it going?

I've been doing comedy, but I'm actually also doing a DJing on every Tuesday night shows next door at Shakespeare's.

Okay.

What type of music do you play?

Do you start with like cool manly stuff and then get into female stuff as the night goes on?

No, I actually have different tracks for different.

Like, so obviously I have to have all the ethnic stuff, right?

Like low riders if a Mexican gets on or like

some of

how it works.

Yeah, and just wait to see who walks in.

Yes, and it's kind of messed up because sometimes I look at the guest of the list of comedians, and then

it's like suddenly they have a drop-in, and I was just about to hit one ethnic song, and then I was like, nope, not that one.

Right.

So, what would you play of these two blatant white guys that look like they holstered their guns in their truck before coming here to this place?

What would you play if they walked?

What do we got?

Centeria?

Or

they're both nodding yes.

They like this idea.

You got them.

They nodded at the same time.

Yes.

And the other one would be, depending on how goofy they look, sometimes I play the new Scooby-Doo theme song for them.

Wow.

Wow.

Look at you.

Scooby-Dooby-Doo.

But wait, I don't understand.

You're saying you play songs when people walk into the bar to snap.

I don't know.

This is for comedians going up and off stage.

So like introduction music.

They do shows at Shakespeare's.

Yes.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Okay.

I wish I have a band like this, but sometimes

I bet you fucking do.

God damn right.

Wouldn't everybody like a band like this?

Okay, so I get it.

So you're playing comedians up.

You're DJing at the comedy show.

Yes.

So you're not doing like DJ sets?

Not DJ sets.

Right, so not full songs.

I get it.

Learning about comedy helps because I can do comedic timing with them if they're they're really struggling.

So what's up with your dick and balls and everything?

Let's get to the stuff that everybody's wearing.

Of course.

I was going to try to make a smooth transition, but you're clearly not.

So

let's jump right into it.

Okay.

I guess tits are the tits.

Tits are tits.

We've had a couple of those on.

No, no, no, no, not like that.

I'm saying.

Enrique and Chris Rees both had tits.

In fact, everybody's had tits that's been on this stage tonight.

No, I meant at some point it actually feels better than dick.

The what?

At some point, tits do feel better than dick.

What the fuck are you talking?

What do you mean?

You just transitioned from white to Asian.

Yeah.

Tits feel better than dick.

Tit better, dick, dot, dick, dick, dick.

All right, Bobby She, let's get back to it.

Tits, having tits feels better than having a dick sometimes.

Is that what you're saying?

The sensitivity.

Oh, the sensitivity.

oh

you ask a very wise questioner

i sheath my sword between my legs

i regain the comedy show

you can no longer find my kata nana nana na

by the way

By the way, hitting play and pause on Spotify on an iPhone as a comic wall.

That's not DJing.

Let's not get carried.

He's talking like he's fucking Kid Cuddy on fucking right.

Okay, it's not DJing, but I do use Audacity to make sure.

Because, you know, like people comedians get on stage, it only takes like, what, 10 seconds, 15 seconds.

How do I get to the good part?

Where people will actually be.

You cannot play long time.

Yeah.

Let's get back to the transition thing.

Somehow we went back to DJing.

I want to keep moving forward here.

So what's going on with all that stuff?

Tim, feel better than Dick.

What's next?

Well, I'll, well, I'll, well, okay.

And I guess when I feel really horny, I do feel like a pressure in the Gucci area.

Tell us more about that.

Everybody here wants to know.

The Santeria guys are vomiting in their cups right now.

What the fuck is this show, bro?

This is fucking disgusting, goddammit.

Have your, have your, are your parents still alive or have they honor-killed killed themselves?

They have transitioned to dead

Well my biological father haven't been re returning my texts right and my Wow that tracks and my my mom wants to me to be normal

Whatever normal means and she wants my hair on a platter for her birthday, which I think no normal is you don't don't are you a guy wait are you born a male or a female?

Because you're one of those trans I don't know which way when

I'm trying to figure out did you go male to female female to male.

I respect both your choices, but I just don't know

It's male to female male to female.

Okay, cool, because you're kind of in between.

Yeah,

but I respect it.

I know, hey, that I like that shit.

So

you have, you know what I mean?

I've never thought I'd meet the trans Mulan.

And

this is what Disney wants.

This is what they get.

And I support Disney.

I have a special coming out on Hulu in February.

So

100%.

Yes.

So how's it going?

The transition.

What's the next move for you?

Dad's leaving you on red.

I guess in a way I'm looking for other outlets to

make it seem like it's all worth it, right?

Because I have to prove to my parents that I can stand on my own, right?

Right.

Because there's no other way to convince them I'm dead to them unless I'm somebody, right?

So it's like...

No.

Yeah.

You are somebody.

You're just somebody that put their dick in a Chinese finger trap.

And

that's fine.

And the harder you pull.

Yes.

You know, the craziest part about his transition, this guy used to be white.

You know, folks.

I am raised by a white stepfather, if that explains anything.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Right.

What would that explain?

If I sound white sometimes or like white things, I guess.

Right.

So your mom and dad separated when you were young?

Yes, when I was three.

Okay.

And Chen was my original last name when I was first born into this house.

You've even

transitioned names at some point in your life.

In a way, it's for me to reconnect with my past.

Okay.

Very, very good.

Were you born in China?

Were you born in China?

Yes, I was born in Wuhan.

You weren't really?

Oh, wow.

Wow.

There it is.

Wow.

Wow.

Is there anything not wrong with you?

This guy's like, I've seen enough.

God damn it, son of a bitch.

Wow.

Okay.

Okay.

When did you come here from Wuhan?

I was born in Wuhan and I grew up in the southern China until I was 10.

And then I moved to America and grew up in New Mexico.

Let me ask you a question.

Was your father Dr.

Fauci?

Did he also make you an album?

No, no, no.

He's just a middle management white guy, I guess.

Okay.

Wow.

Well, it's good that you transitioned female here, because they would have killed you for that in China.

No girls.

Maybe that's why I require some sort of deception to come out, not get killed first.

Then.

Are you a spy?

No, no, no.

No.

Okay, because I've...

You know how to kill female babies?

Yes.

Exactly.

That's what I meant.

Okay, John.

Jesus.

I just wanted to know.

I love it.

Okay, Chen.

You have a joke book already.

You've been on this show numerous times.

There goes Chen, everyone.

Thank you.

Keep going, Chen.

Good stuff.

All right.

We have a special treat for y'all, ladies and gentlemen.

Going up, one of the elite golden ticket winners of the history of the show from Toronto, Canada.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's a brand new minute from the great Jared Nathan, everybody.

Here he is.

What's up, Mama?

Hold on, Amazon

today.

Look up

electric.

I found an

explosive

deals

on

on

pages

and s cell phones

they only shh

sh shipped to

Lebanon.

I was too scared to call

customer service.

Thank you.

Fuck yeah, Jared Nathan.

That stutter's getting pretty fucking thick and girthy over there, I gotta tell you.

On with it, Tony.

Okey-dokey.

It's a fucking

current sometimes.

I gotta

swim upstream, you know?

I think it's great.

Joe, if you've ever wondered what you're like after the 15 drinks we had at night, that's just like

what I deal with.

Tony, whoa, whoa, why are you going home?

I ever tell you about how much I enjoyed that night in

Madison Square Garden.

I sound a lot

better today.

Nice.

Thank you.

All right.

Thank you.

I felt every word of that.

Yeah.

Sorry, man.

Sometimes

I think people

need a shower.

Oh, I thought you were going to say, shut the fuck up right there.

I was wrong.

You threw me off.

I

switch it up sometimes, motherfucker.

God damn right.

God damn right.

I have the hard R award that you bestowed upon me at Madison Square Garden, which gives me permission, I believe, to say the words what?

What do I get?

What does that mean?

I never really got.

Okay, very good.

Which I freely used before, but now

I think about you when I do it.

I feel like I have permission to do it.

It's sitting with all my other trophies from the amazing many other amazing things that I'm great at.

And it sits there.

The Hard R award for you.

Sometimes it takes more than no one.

You son of a bitch.

You son of a bubble bubble

motherfucker.

Yes, I am.

What's going on, Jared?

Tell us more about your actual life.

You enjoying Austin, Texas?

I'm enjoying Austin, Texas.

You living here?

What are you doing?

I come here time to time.

I'm trying to come in more often.

I'm

working on my

visa?

Yep.

Right now.

Uh-huh.

And I'm trying to.

Yeah, I want to come in more often.

I love Austin.

Canada doesn't let you just do whatever the fuck you want.

It's a

time in this country, you know.

It is.

It is.

You're hearing it straight from the source.

The fucked up thing that happened to me before I came here.

Tell us.

I had my fucking

tricycle stolen.

Yes, I rode a trike.

I'm not afraid.

What kind of trike was this?

A true tricycle?

It was a swin!

Old school.

True tricycle, four wheels.

Four wheels?

Schwinn!

It was four wheels?

One.

Right.

Three wheels, sorry.

Three wheels.

Three wheel, motherfucker, yes.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

So this was in Canada.

You're out

riding your tricycle.

Yes.

And where did you park it?

Where did some slimy Canadian get their hands on your tricycle?

You were at a school.

No, I was not at a school.

Okay, where were you?

Walk it up.

We're right behind like a

parking lot.

Right behind a

building that my mom owns.

Down a what?

That my mom owns a

building.

Jesus Christ.

I don't know.

What the fuck is going on with you tonight?

Can I mean

this glass was empty before he started talking?

Dude, he is fucking working.

That's crazy.

My mom owned a building that used to store my bike at, and some ableist motherfuckers

cut the fucking chain

and yeah.

It's probably just a middle school kid.

It's probably not like a gangster or anything.

Yeah.

Maybe with

Shorty Rosa.

Oh my goodness.

How dare you?

How dare you?

What's it like looking at yourself if you had one more chromosome?

It's amazing, right?

You're so close to that.

And Joey, you're so close to that.

I mean, it's unbelievable.

Look at that.

It's a before and slightly after.

Who's worse?

You know the answer to that

that's right.

No doubt about it.

No doubt about it.

No, but

despite my track meets on

I've been doing shows all over Canada.

Yeah.

Check it out on Sharon Nathan Comedy.

Shutting down and serenading comedy.

Check out my dates and

oh.

Share Nathan Comedy.

You're a little bit more stuttery and you're a little more retarded than usual.

I'm going to be honest with you.

I don't know what's going on.

You've been kind of sick for a couple days.

You've been sick.

I've been sick.

Just cheese.

You've been kind of sick.

Trust them.

I've never been happier to be in my seat.

You're getting it all.

Jared, what the fuck would make you come here if you're sick?

This is karma.

This is why your tricycle got stolen, Jared.

You're out here not caring about others.

The show always had to go on, you know?

No, no, no.

It doesn't always have to go on.

It doesn't always have to go on.

You're going to get everybody sick, which is a good thing for the guy in the douchey-gucci hat, but a bad thing for everybody else around us.

What were your symptoms?

He wasn't retarded before this, so.

DeRosa's about to hit a whole new low over here.

I just...

been puking and feel like shit so i can't okay okay put the fucking mic in the mic stand jesus share are we gonna switch mics?

Do we have a mic switch that we can do?

I'd rather blow Chet than fucking

Jared put the get out of here.

You hugged me, too.

You hugged me.

We have to make sure people aren't sick from now on, because I guess that's not a thing.

There he goes.

Go home, Jared.

Go home and get better.

I know he's fucking scared.

Lord Almighty.

There is Jared Nathan Spit everywhere.

How about a hand to the lovely Heidi?

Am I right?

Just unbelievable.

Is that a new mic or the same one?

Oh, it's clean.

She's wiping it all off.

How about another hand for Heidi, everybody?

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Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.

All right, your next comedian out of the bucket.

One word name, that's always fun.

Let's see what happens here.

The comedy stylings of Sol, everybody.

Soul.

S-O-U-L.

What's up, Kiltoni?

If Jared didn't give you all COVID, I'm here to make sure it sticks.

Shit, is he okay on this mic?

I appreciate it.

Any adoptees in the house?

Joe, I know.

Okay.

Yeah, that's what happens when you fail the SAT.

I got a 2400.

I was three years old.

I thought that shit was pretty good.

Not good enough for Asian parents.

Fuck that, man.

Ship your ass to America.

You know, the only people that can afford you, white people.

Thank you, Bob and Donna.

Any white people that grab Bob and Donna?

Thank you, man.

Thank you.

Ah, shit.

We'll eat anything, man.

So when you think about the bedroom ladies, ladies get with the nation, I don't care what you think about our fucking small dick stereotype.

My people eat dogs.

I'll tear a little kitty up.

So, you know, like, we'll do whatever it takes.

Fuck that.

It's not always like fresh.

Fellas, it's not HEB.

You know, sometimes it's discount, bottom row, sushi.

So I keep soy sauce packets in my pocket just to flavor it up.

I'm cool.

I'm an American, damn it.

Soy sauce and ranch.

Whatever.

See, I'll eat that cat.

Thank you, I'll kill Tony.

Seoul.

Incredible to see.

How are you doing, Tony?

You're going to be twice in the same night.

You went backstage, got a haircut in your back.

It's Chen, everybody.

Chen.

Chen has decided to please her father.

You've chosen the right path.

I'm a real boy, Tony.

I'm not.

I'm not changing.

Fuck with the racist Chinese music, guys.

Oh, it's you now.

You guys switched.

It's unbelievable.

The racism up here.

So how are you today?

No, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

Saul, you've been on this show before.

I remember your face.

Yes, sir.

We've met outside the show, but I've followed you guys since HEB Arena New Year's.

I live in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, but I come and use my VA benefit very well.

Drive up here.

Which army?

Vietnam?

What branch of the military were you?

Fucking vaccinated Americans.

No, I was in the Chair Force.

Air Force.

Air Force.

Shout out to you.

Ah, real soldier over there.

Kamikaze.

What did you do in the Air Force?

Remind us.

Oh, no, I've never been on the show.

You've just always seen me out and about because I've been following you to every

arena show that I could with Sarge.

So great.

So what did you do in the Air Force?

Customer service.

I worked at Chow Hall.

What?

They called a dining facility, to be politically correct.

I just served fried rice.

Okey-dokey.

What do you do for work now, Sol?

When I'm out here, I'll rent a rideshare car and I'll drive people around.

So I'm at the Austin airport 25 times a week.

All right.

Driver that everybody hates to pull up to.

Quit canceling your ride.

I just noticed your southern accent, too.

I thought it was Asian the whole time, and then I was like, oh, no, that's a southern.

You have a little draw.

I just noticed it.

It just, I'm a chameleon.

I've been traveling so much, but you know, South Korean.

I don't know.

South Korean.

Oh, that's why it's Seoul.

Exactly.

It's Seoul, like

a lot of urban rooms, too.

When you said a guy named Seoul, I thought a black guy was going to be a good one.

That's what I thought.

so did i yeah but it's i don't use my government name i don't right yeah

okay why not why why not just out of curiosity you're you don't like the government you don't trust them it's north korea

no i just don't use it just um you know like now that i'm out of the military i can use it it's it's eric shun on imdb the shun family okay all right jesus christ soul just answer the questions like directly sorry tee it's okay so what do you do for work when you're in gatlinburg Tennessee?

What keeps you in Gatlinburg?

I mean, my mom and dad are still alive, but they're in their upper 70s, so I'm a caretaker, not by choice.

Okay, adorable.

Boomerang kids.

What?

Boomerang generation.

Like after my military, I retired, but I still go back there, drive for them.

That's how bad it is.

They have me as a driver.

There it is again.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

So your parents are old.

You're taking care of them.

You're driving them around.

You're doing this.

You're doing that.

What else do you do?

What do you do for fun to relax?

Like a guilty pleasure for you?

I mean, I'm never like a feature performer, but I'm always helping comics.

Like this

last gang fest, I drove Jamar neighbors artwork down to Las Vegas.

I mean, anytime it's comedy-related, my uh,

you know, just comics of every variety, if I can do anything for them.

How old are you?

42.

42.

You have any kids?

No, no.

How come?

What happened?

Freedom.

Yeah.

The women pull out.

That's by choice?

Do you have a girlfriend?

No.

No.

No.

And

once the 20 minutes is over, the happy ending is over.

That's it.

Okay.

You've never been married?

No.

Well, I was, yeah.

Back when I was Air Force.

You're a tough interview, soul.

These are pretty easy questions.

It was 2002.

We were together for 06, and then we were separated the rest of the time.

What happened?

2010.

What happened with it?

I was pursuing entertainment.

So, anyone, entertainment, you pursue entertainment full-time.

So, I don't understand what you're talking about.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

No, you got divorced over personal entertainment.

Is that what you said?

No, because she said I was.

Don't go, no.

Like, I'm the fucking asshole.

Right.

Because I can't follow what the fuck you're talking about.

You know, she said my choice of career, even though I was military and I had that steady reserve check,

you know, I was just a loose candidate.

It wasn't providing security.

Really, you seem like a real stable pick.

What did she do for work?

She, um,

easy.

She was working at the airport.

She was working at the airport.

Yeah.

What was she doing at the airport?

She was working customer service.

This was 06.

Customer service.

Okay.

Yeah, a lot of customer service.

I try to regress.

I suppress memories.

Okay.

Yes.

Of exes.

You gambling man?

You like to gamble?

You look like you're not good at it, but I'm going to down down and play dice all day.

In the squatting position, not fully seated, but bent all.

Yes, exactly.

No, I play roulette.

I play, I lose a roulette.

I'm always betting on black.

Okay.

All right.

Anything else interesting about your life before I let you go?

You're one of the hardest interviews of the history of the show.

I'm sorry, Tony.

You've mentally prepared for this forever.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'm trying to find my birth mom.

So

I won't use a platform like

Where do you think your birth mom is?

Probably on Facebook blocking me.

I don't know.

Like, the only information I have is that my dad died in...

I was born in March.

He died in December.

I've got her name, and I've got my name and my sister's name.

So the white people that bought us, they kept us together.

Incredible.

They're good people.

You're trying to find your moms, and at the same time, you do not want to give your actual name.

What a conundrum we find ourselves in.

No, it's Jun Kama Myung Su.

I'm so American.

Jung.

Yeah, totally easy to spell.

We got it.

That's why I go by Sol.

In fact, your mom's here now.

Let's bring her up.

Where is she at?

Do we have her?

Is there an Asian woman here?

Okay, Sol, we're going to get you out of here.

Welcome to the show.

And here, my friend, is a little joke book for you.

There you go.

How about a hand for Sol, everybody?

Sol, sign up again.

Come back.

Fucking prepare.

and fucking be honest during the interview.

Everybody wants to make a joke or fucking be silly, but if you're gonna do that, you gotta give us something.

Let's see how this goes.

Ladies and gentlemen, a new minute from Drew Santana.

This looks like a new name, Drew Santana.

What's up?

This is uh, this is fun.

Uh, I saw this.

Uh, I saw this tranny walking uh 6th Street earlier.

She actually uh tripped over a dick.

Uh

yeah, she uh she tripped over, uh she scraped up her lady penis, she bruised up her big fake titties.

Uh women, am I right?

Yeah.

I think it's really ironic how black people call their cars whips.

I'd never like pull up with the homies in my taxes.

You know what I'm saying?

It's a little on the nose.

Thank you.

All right, Drew Santana.

Man, you had that whips joke the whole time, and you started with that weird tranny trip on a dick thing.

It's unbelievable.

Hello.

Hello.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

It's probably eight, ten months now.

Eight, ten months now.

Where are you from?

I'm from Denver, Denver, Colorado.

You still live there?

I live here now.

I just moved out here.

What made you move to Austin, Texas?

The comedy.

Right.

This whole thing.

Absolutely.

How do you make a living, Drew?

How old are you?

26.

Okay, what do you do for work?

The other night I went out miming.

Really?

You know how to mime?

It was an off-the-cuff thing.

How many of you guys want to see a mimer?

Give me some mime music.

Give me some mime music.

It's my music, everybody.

Oh shit.

Oh, he's got...

Oh my god.

Whoa.

Oh my goodness.

For those of you just listening to the podcast,

I believe he's

heading a gerbil of some kind.

Actually, don't know

what's happening at all.

It might be a Nintendo Switch.

Oh.

Oh, he's...

Alright.

Alright, is this getting somewhere, Drew?

Oh, don't fuck with the cool black guy.

Oh, he assumed the cool black guy would want to play destroying.

Okay, Drew, that's enough.

That's the dumbest shit I've ever seen.

Literally anybody can do that.

Barely miming at all.

Joe.

I can't.

You have a beautiful gift inside of you,

which is doubly shocking that it's miming miming because you look like Satan.

You literally look like the devil.

And I can't believe that you're able to mime like that.

That's really incredible.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

Well, you do.

You kind of have like a Ted Bundy vibe, right?

A little bit?

Yeah.

But it's good, like a new one, you know?

Yeah, the low-hanging fruit is I look scary and gay, like a gay vampire.

Yeah.

You know, HPV Lovecraft.

Do you have like, do you have dark thoughts sometimes?

You look like you have dark thoughts.

I think that's what we all agree on.

You look like you think about doing bad things all the time.

Stark thoughts.

Yeah, you look like you'll only sign a cell phone contract in blood.

Yeah.

What do you do for fun?

Let's start there.

Hanging out with friends, hitting open mics.

What do you do with your friends?

Try to make each other laugh.

That's always a good time.

Smoking weed, that's classic.

Do Do you smoke actual weed or just mind joints?

Yes, yes.

And do you have actual friends?

Or are they just

also

mind friends?

Is anything real?

It's all imaginary.

Okay, what's your love life like?

Who do you have tied up to your studio apartment right now?

Well, obviously, I don't know her name.

Nice.

All right, but seriously, how's that going for you?

You into that at all?

Yeah, you know, I'm trying to.

There's the issue.

Yeah, I don't, I'm like a deer in headlights with women.

You know, like, I just, I don't do well.

Like, you're, you're looking at me.

I don't know how I'm having this conversation right now.

Like, I would, I'm normally, like, it's.

Wait, you're talking about her?

You're like, you're looking at me, you're talking to her?

You're like shy because a woman's looking at you?

Yeah, this is, normally I freeze and I can't talk when a pretty girl makes eye contact.

It's a lot.

This is very exciting.

Drew, I gotta tell you, they probably don't feel loose and comfortable with you either.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let's see if we can, this is a little segment that we like to call break an incel, ladies and gentlemen.

Can we get Heidi up here?

Can we get the lovely Heidi here?

Oh, no.

It's a very special segment.

No big deal.

Just one of the most beautiful women imaginable on planet Earth.

Just an absolute bundle of perfection right in front of you.

Look directly in her eyes, Drew.

Drew, keep eye contact.

Drew, just lock eyes.

How do you feel right now, Drew?

I really have to pee.

Oh, great opening line, Drew.

Oh, my goodness.

Someone's getting wet down there, and it's going to be you, Drew.

Drew's about to piss his pants, ladies and gentlemen.

Okay, Drew, look her in the eyes, Drew.

I know you want to fix the mic stand nervously right now.

Tell us some of the feelings going through your mind right now as you look at a stunning woman.

Keep eye contact with her while saying the things.

I panic, run.

I don't have any money.

I just

piss yourself, Drew.

Piss yourself right now.

We want to see the squatch.

All right.

Okay, give us an idea of what an opening line with Heidi.

Heidi, why don't you open things up?

I always like you.

You're so conversational.

You see a guy like this this on the street.

What do you say to a stud like this?

Grab DeRosa's microphone here.

I don't want you to share one with all these sick retards up here tonight.

Okay, Heidi, you're going to give him a shot and you say...

Do you need a dollar or something?

Oh, Heidi, be nice.

Come on, start nice.

Come on.

Heidi's a fucking cold-blooded assassin.

She was raised around us wolves here.

Uh, uh, no, but I do need your number.

Uh, whoa,

baby.

Holy shit.

Come on, dude.

Straight to the number.

Okay, let's try another round.

Here we go.

Round two of what the fuck is going on.

Heidi says a nice line, and you react in any way.

Heidi.

How's your day going?

Come on, dude.

Think a line from your favorite movie.

Go, how about this?

It likes it when you put the lotion in the basket.

It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets.

Back to it.

She asks you the

number in my phone.

No, no, no.

Okay, Drew, relax.

You can mind me your phone.

Okay, everybody, relax.

Everybody, relax.

Okay.

Drew, she asks you, how's your day going?

Better now that I'm talking to you.

Thank you.

How about you?

How's your day going?

You're welcome.

My day's going great.

So far, so good.

Yeah, oh.

Holy shit, Drew.

This is unbelievable.

Heidi, say something else easy and nice to him.

Let's see how he reacts.

Where did you grow up, Drew?

Denver.

Yeah.

And how was it living in Denver?

Did you climb any mountains?

No, no.

What did you do for fun in Denver?

You know, I never put myself in a position like this normally.

Oh my god.

Okay.

We're gonna stop.

Not that hard, I swear.

Dude, come on, mime, mime.

Do them something.

That's good.

Drew, mime confidence, for Christ's sakes.

You're like mime conf.

All right, Heidi, you've shown us enough.

Thank you, Heidi.

How about another hand for the lovely Heidi?

You nailed it, bro.

You killed that shit.

I do better when I can't say anything.

All right, Drew.

Well,

fun times.

Good stuff.

I love the whips joke.

Yeah, great joke.

Thank you.

Thank you.

How long have you been doing it?

Six years, would you say?

It's been about like eight, ten months.

Right.

And you wrote that whips joke?

You just came up with that premise?

Amazing.

I, yes, I read all my stuff.

Very good.

All right.

All right.

Tyheria.

And here's a little joke book.

There you go.

Drew Santana.

On to the next one.

Thank you.

We're having fun out here.

Another bucket pull.

My goodness.

can you believe the buckling under the pressure of the young buck drew santana anything can happen here all right your next bucket pull goes by the name of peyton ready here we go peyton ready

hey good to be here

i got a girlfriend now sorry fellas um

I was doing Tinder for a while, and you know, a lot of comics they talk about Tinder because it's like infamously the worst dating app, you know.

But But the craziest thing to me about Tinder is when I was doing that, when I created my profile, Tinder makes you pick like a whole bunch of hobbies and interests that show up on your profile.

You cannot finish creating your profile without picking hobbies and interests.

So, Tinder gives you a big list of hobbies to pick from.

I thought this was weird.

Did you know you could pick Black Lives Matter as a hobby?

That's a hobby?

I support Black Lives Matter.

I mean, you know, that's not a hobby to me.

That's just something that is.

It's like food or something.

I'm like, all right, yes.

Black people, acknowledged,

exist.

If you don't know what a hobby is,

a hobby is like something you can do after work, like you can squeeze in with the free time, like playing the drums or something.

You want to do that with the lives of black people?

That's your hobby?

That's kind of fucked up.

How do you explain that to somebody?

Somebody's like, do you support Black Lives Matter?

And you're like, I'll be honest.

I have been swamped at work recently.

Baiting ready with a fantastic minute.

There it is.

A true minute.

All on one subject, punched up with jokes.

Look at you.

You're fucking adorable.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, my goodness.

How long you been doing stand-up?

I've been, you know, a couple years here.

A couple years.

How old are you?

I'm 23.

I've been doing it.

It'll be six years in November.

Oh, nice.

You started young.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

Look at you.

What are you?

Are you still drinking breast milk?

What's going on over here?

You are a plump little sweet.

Yeah, I've moved on.

I've moved on in the recent weeks.

But yes,

I've been easing off of it, but thanks for just exploiting me.

Absolutely incredible.

You look like you use hard-boiled eggs as like zins.

Just like leave one in your mouth and just fucking let it soak into your bloodstream.

This is incredible to meet someone like you make Enrique Chacone look like a fucking hot chick.

Thank you.

Amazing, Paul.

What do you do for work?

What do you do?

Drive Tonka trucks for a living?

What exactly?

No, I drink breast milk and I play with Tonka trucks.

It's very difference.

Yeah.

No, I just moved here three weeks ago, so I don't have a job yet.

Okay, where'd you move from?

Chicago.

Okay.

Wow, it's great that we have the actual live the bean with us ladies and gentlemen.

I can't believe the bean found out that it became kill tony folklore and it also moved to Austin, Texas.

This is incredible.

Yeah, they expedited me overnight.

I got shipped over here.

It's full name Butterbean.

Butterbean.

That's right.

That's amazing.

This is incredible.

Have people told you that you look like the bean before?

Have people called me fat?

Is that what you're asking?

You're like, have people ever called you a fat ass before?

Yes.

Welcome, welcome.

Absolutely.

This is what you're, if you had a son, if you made a baby sometime, Red Band, this is what it would come out looking like.

Just a little fucking, look at this fucking absolute little butterball.

Stop.

Sweet fucking.

I didn't realize that this.

I've heard of snowmen.

I've never heard of snow boys before.

This is incredible.

Yeah.

You're like frosting the snowman.

That's pretty good.

You're on the edge of stealing my axe, so you got to be careful.

I love it.

There's no edges to you, buddy.

Fully rounded.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

You are a fucking superstar.

There's no doubt about it.

23 years old, six years into the game.

You're here in the comedy capital of the world.

You just did a minute, 15 seconds all on the same subject, which is very telling.

A lot of people

change directions and try to squeeze in a lot of their best different jokes.

You're clearly showing that you have experience and

poise in the pocket.

I agree.

And by pocket, I mean the hot pocket that you made right before the...

I've moved on to lean pockets recently.

Whoa.

Cha-cha-cha-cha-changes.

You spend the extra dollar, you're still as fat.

So it's...

Is that true that lean pockets are a little more expensive?

I don't know the market on them, honestly.

Our senior frozen food correspondent, Brian Redband, says it's not true.

It's not true.

A man who microwaves 90% of his meals, I'm going to go with his boat here on this one.

Wow.

You had great, like, just, your presence was great.

And like, I love that you were pausing, making, getting laughs out of the faces, you know, the reactions to what you were saying.

It was fucking great.

Yeah.

And I feel like, I feel like, you know, just in a minute, I could tell like you had more time time to stretch it out.

It would be really good, you know, for your comedy on your body.

Yeah.

Am I fat?

What's happening?

I'm not.

They keep making them.

I don't kid.

No, but you look good, though, like that.

I'm telling you, dude.

It fits you.

No, I'm Pete's series.

No one has endorsed obesity more than Chris here.

I'm telling you.

You look good, dude.

I tell you, you're a star.

Don't change a thing.

He looks good.

He's a predator.

No, you really do.

Chris has a type, and he's being very clear.

As a matter of fact, you know what?

You're coming with me to Dallas, too, this weekend.

All right.

Holy shit.

I won't let it.

I'm ready to break.

Yeah, he did.

All right.

And on Saturday,

come to my shelf.

I got 500 pounds of it.

Fun.

All these comics think it's a break.

Chris needs people to fill seats.

The bigger, the better.

Amazing.

Have you ever been to Dallas before?

No, I've never been to Dallas.

Wow.

All right, good.

Only been to Austin.

Amazing.

Well, the Buyer's Club, unfortunately for you, is not a sandwich.

That's a shame.

So what's your living situation like?

You got a one-bedroom, one kitchen?

It's a half-bath, three kitchens.

I love it.

I have round-the-clock chefs, Tony.

You got roommates or what's going on?

Yeah, I'm just crashing on a buddy's couch right now.

I love it.

I love it.

I'm not coming.

Forget it.

Dallas is over, Chris.

Forget it.

Absolutely incredible.

Do people walk into the apartment and sometimes go and say to your roommate, oh, there's a couch on your couch.

Why is there?

Why do you have two couches?

They go, oh, is this one of those couches that folds out like those coffee tables?

The thing kind of comes.

It's one of those couches that breathes, kind of.

I've seen those.

Yeah.

What kind of, how are you getting around?

You got got a car?

I roll.

Yeah, perfect.

That's what I was getting at.

This guy's good.

Taking the momentum, rolling with it.

This is very good.

Very, very good.

So what's your goal for getting a job?

You've lived here, would you say, three weeks?

Yeah, three weeks ago.

Okay, so

what do we got to do here?

How can we help you?

You name what you're good at and we're going to help you.

You want a little hard hat?

You have a hard hat?

You want a hard hat?

You would look adorable in a hard hat.

I would love a hard hat.

I don't know why I want to put a hard hat.

How many of you think we should put a hard hat on this?

What do you do for work?

What's that?

What are you good at?

What are you trained in?

What can you possibly do for work?

How can you contribute to the economy in Austin, Texas?

I worked a lot of restaurant jobs growing up.

You worked them?

Or

you worked them?

My business was given to the restaurants growing up.

No, I did, you know, line cook and server and all.

How would you like to burn yourself at torchies tacos?

I know a guy.

I'm gonna tell you what's fascinating.

You're sweating the least out of every performance.

He's amazing.

I noticed that as well.

I'm like, you got Enrique up here fucking wiping his face like we're in a thunderstorm or something like that.

It's like

the highest level of windshield wipers.

And this guy's not a fucking drip.

Now I'm a professional.

Absolutely incredible.

Absolutely incredible.

Amazing.

I fucking love it.

You are one of the funniest people that have ever come on this stage with lunchables in their pockets before.

This is incredible.

Yeah.

What's the longest set you've ever done?

I did.

I've done like 35 before.

You know, just like you headlined some terrible bars show.

I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday.

I'd love to do it.

I'd love to do it.

The first big joke book of the night to a big boy.

Peyton Ruddy has made his Kill Tony debut.

I have a feeling

you're going to see a lot of that kid someday.

I'm normally very right about these things.

Bobby Hill.

Peyton Ruddy, R-U-D-D-Y.

Peyton Ruddy comedy on social media watch it blow up this is an interesting name almost no way that I could say this correctly but I'm gonna try make some noise for the kill tony debut of Deorda Krikjick

hello my name is Georgie Krikidic And that's not even a joke.

I am from Montenegro.

And Montenegro in Spanish and Italian means a black mountain, right?

Which makes me your black mountain man.

Or, as we like to call us, I am a Monteneger.

Oh, shut up.

I can say it.

Oh, shut up.

Well, if you don't like that hard R at the end, you can just call me a Montenegro.

It's fine.

We like it.

Well, you have to understand I have a right to say it, because we were slaves for 500 years, right?

Under a Turkish Empire.

So I heard some of you guys got a reparations for a slavery.

Well, that's why this Montenegro is here tonight.

I need some reparations too, all right?

And that would be my minute.

Okay.

All right.

I think

a lot of people are leaving right now.

What do we think, black guy?

Are we letting him get away with with that?

What's going on over here?

I know that Oedipal is in full force right now

You must be thinking there's no fucking way he just said what I think he said

Perfect perfect nothing at all all is well

Welcome.

Say your name one more time.

Georgia

Georgia.

It's like George so yeah.

Thank you sticking over.

Keep it going.

Then the last name is Kirkilich.

Oh, don't bother with that.

Even people from my country can pronounce it, really.

Okay.

Yeah.

You mean the N-words?

Yes, I'm telling you.

What a surprise.

A guy named Georgia dropped the N-bomb out here.

This Georgia hasn't seen showers in weeks, though.

You kind of look like Jesus if he lived on 6th Street.

Well.

I do live actually almost on the 6th Street.

I live in my car.

It is 6th Street Jesus, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm homeless for the last three, four months.

Okay.

Look at you.

I'm doing good.

You're a happy homeless guy.

I like it.

I like it.

So tell us what it's like living on the streets.

Oh, it's disgusting.

Tell us more.

Well, here, actually, on the 6th Street, it's the worst.

But I live actually on the Walmart parkings.

That's where I sleep, where I park my car because I live in my car, right?

Yeah.

And

it's,

I don't know what to say, Tony.

It's not nice.

It's not good, but I'm surviving an example of what it's like a lot of these people most of them have no idea so you're you you at night time after you do stand-up and spots and stuff, right?

That's kind of your routine.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

This is my first time.

Oh, well then there you go.

Okay.

Look at you.

First time ever.

True.

You just found an art form where you can come out and say the n-word a few times.

Incredible.

Well, if I can correct you, I'm not saying the n-word, right?

I'm saying the M-word first.

That's true.

Right.

Right.

So there's a difference.

Now I know.

If I want to say it, I just have to say Monte beforehand.

That is correct.

I got bad news for you, John.

Yeah.

You goddamn Monte.

And dude, I got it.

I waited a long time for this moment.

You fucking McLovin.

McNugget.

What were we saying?

What's going on?

All right.

What do you think about him?

What do you think, John?

I didn't hear him.

Perfect.

I love it.

Thank God black guys do not pay attention to this show.

Incredible.

Dude, don't even, if you ever get any flack for it, just blame it on the fentanyl.

Right.

That's it.

Right?

I was cracked out.

It's all good.

So I'm going to get back to my original thing here.

So you pull your car.

What do you do at night if you're just starting stand-up now?

What have you been doing in Austin all this time?

Well, I got here because of this show, actually.

And I used to be a semi-truck driver.

So that's what I do for a living for a couple years now.

And then I decided I want to switch my profession.

I want to be a stand-up comedian from now on.

So, okay.

And I think I have a pit that I can go with, and I can play with, and I can do.

I don't mean to be rude with it,

but I can compare similarities between the...

N-word and Montenegros, right?

You just looked directly at John D's and signaled to him.

Well, I didn't mean to offend you.

The Kill Tony show, making immigrants homeless.

Yes.

2015.

Not only do we fill up arenas, we also fill up Walmart parking lots.

There is a few homeless next to me.

Really?

They're all Kill Tony sign-ups?

Well, I'm not sure about that.

Okay.

Okay, so let's get back to that.

So give us an example.

What time of the day do you wake up?

The sun comes up, you're in a car.

I wake up 5,

6 a.m., I don't know.

Yes, a life of luxury in the Walmart parking lot.

And then what do you do?

Then I go to the Walmart because there is a restroom.

Right.

I can wash my teeth, right?

I can take a shit.

Right.

Do the morning routines that people are doing.

Absolutely.

Everyone's doing it.

Correct.

And then after that, I go work.

I do have a work.

It's a moving.

So I do work for a different company.

Wait, your work is another racial slur?

Did you just say, what did you just say your work for?

Moving.

Moving.

Oh, moving.

Yes, sir.

I thought you said something else.

Sorry.

I'm not going to say what I thought you said.

You thought he said mooly?

That is what I thought he said.

That's what it sounded like.

I got you, bro.

Yeah, right.

I got you.

And a lot of back on me, right?

A lot of accidental racial slurs happening up here with you.

I can't imagine what you scream in your car in the middle of the night.

Oh, my God.

So, okay.

Then I do work.

I work for a couple hours.

And then what do you do?

Come back here on the 6th Street and I play guitar for a couple hours.

Maybe one hour.

Yeah.

Really?

I just practice.

Well, that was only so because it's my first time on the stage.

So that's how I practice just to be in front of the people.

That's it.

So you just started guitar too?

No, a couple of years ago.

A couple of years ago.

How often do you practice?

Well, almost every day.

You guys want to hear a song from fucking...

Oh, shit.

Georgia.

You got a fucking backup guitar, right?

I'm not going to sing.

We have the official Kill Tony guitar.

Tuned up and ready to go.

Tuned up and ready to go, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow.

Here it is.

Let's do both of these.

Get them up here.

Okay.

Georgia.

I have a feeling.

I have a weird feeling Georgia is about to impress us here.

He's got these homeless energies, these pent-up fucking.

Georgia, face the crowd.

face the crowd.

You're trying to head back to the Walmart park.

Oh shit, he's calling out something to the band.

Whoa.

All right, that's great.

That's great.

Great stuff.

Great stuff.

Oh, my goodness gracious.

Unbelievable.

Wow.

Hell yeah.

Absolutely.

Georgia, how do you feel right now?

You just played the world-famous Ritz Theater.

You're shaking right now.

Yes, sir.

The energy of Stevie Ray Vaughn runs through you.

Oh, I love that.

Thank you.

Yes, I love him.

I love Stevie Raypon.

Of course.

He played here on this very stage that you stand on, and you look like he does right now.

You look like the

decades-long decomposed corpse of Stevie Raybon.

Hallelujah.

Hell yeah.

And you sleep on a Stevie Ray lawn.

Okay.

George Kritchik.

Fun times.

You know, it was your first set.

So you know what I'm going to do?

Instead of giving you a little joke joke book for the amount of laughs that you got, I want you to get some work done.

I believe in you, George.

I think you have a lot of pent-up.

How old are you?

I'm 33.

35.

Yeah, you have a chance at this, George.

You've made it from the...

You've escaped the Turkish rule in Montenegro.

You are...

One of my favorite illegal immigrants we've ever had on this show, to be honest with you.

You got fucking balls, dude.

And

so

I want you to start writing and fill up this Kill Tony jokebook with some shit, okay?

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Try to use minimal N-words in that jokebook.

There he goes.

Georgia.

Reching.

Well, which one was first?

Oh, okay.

All right.

Make some moves for your next bucket hole.

Bruno Oliviera.

Bruno

Oliviera.

Bruno.

Hold on, guys.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Is Bruno here?

Bruno Oliviera.

Bruno, ladies and gentlemen.

Here he is.

How's going on?

How's everyone doing?

No, it's good, man.

This is my real accent, by the way.

I'm not actually Mexican, so I just want to put that out there.

Everyone calls me Hector from Fast and Furious and shit.

I can't unsee it now, you know what I mean?

But the other day I got called fucking Pitbull from down under.

I'm like, what the fuck, man?

That's a fucked up thing to say, man.

It's been a thank you.

Appreciate that, man.

Well, it's my first time here in Texas and shit, you know, which is cool.

It's not too bad.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm trying to hold my breath because I ran here and I'm not that fit, but um

Yeah, it's weird man.

It's weird, you know, but I hate when people say shit like fucking oh, hey man, I had some dude come up to me and say hey man, you have very prison aids

And I'm like, don't know you, bro.

Like, what the fuck?

And it's like, I get it.

I look like I did it, but I didn't do it.

You know what I mean?

That's all I'm saying, bro.

And it's like people say shit like, Fucking, hey, man, you were quite intimidating when I first met you, man.

But you actually a nice guy.

I'm like, that shit hurts, man.

Because I got feelings too, and shit, you know,

and it's just like, fucking,

I was gonna keep going, but I guess

Oliviera, that is maximum time.

Hi, Bruno.

How you going, mate?

You're right.

G'day, good day.

So,

where are you from?

Are you serious?

What?

What?

He is Yahoo serious.

Bro, that is a...

Did you say it during your set?

If you were listening.

That's an easy question.

Is that a yes or a no?

That is yes.

Yes.

So where was it?

Australia.

Right.

Sometimes I have to do things and host a show and I miss a second every now and then while everybody

helplessly watches and enjoys themselves.

So yes.

Fair enough.

You got me.

No worries, Count.

So is it Australia?

Huh?

Australia?

Australia, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very good.

Okay.

What brings you to America?

I thought I'd check out comedy and shit.

You know, I thought I'd check out like the New Mexican places around here and stuff like that.

You know, like New Mexican places?

No, I'm not.

Well, it's just people think I'm Mexican all the time.

You know, people speak to me in Spain.

Even in Australia, do they think you're Mexican?

Bro, there's no Mexicans there.

That's the weird thing.

Right.

There's no Mexican.

That's that weirdness.

It's nowhere near fucking Mexico.

A fucking 20-hour fight.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, wait, see, like, this is the thing.

Like, in Australia, people think I'm from New Zealand.

Yeah.

But over here, people think I'm Mexican.

Right.

Either way.

Yeah, either, either, whatever, you know what I mean?

But, like, either way, you're not welcomed.

Yeah.

Wait, you sound like immigration, bro.

That's what the shit.

Like, I was there for fucking 49.

I thought you were MS-13.

I didn't know what else to do.

I got my guard up.

I'm not from the cartel, man.

I'm just going to put that out there.

You know what I mean?

I'm just an ordinary dude.

Thank you.

I did laugh a few times at your set.

I think because I thought it was funny or I might have been terrified.

I'm not sure which it was.

I mean, I get the most people when I perform, they look scared.

They'll feel like they're forced to laugh.

But, you know what I mean?

I'm here.

So thank you for being.

I don't know if you're laughing or not, but whatever.

You know what I mean?

Well, you've really leaned into the look.

You know.

Well, this is how I dress back home.

You know what I mean?

So this is unintentional Mexican.

I'm not even trying to...

No, really.

Like, this is how I dress.

And I see Mexican people walking past me, giving me the head nod and shit.

All the time.

All the time.

I can't even speak Spanish.

I'm like, hola, senor.

I'm not sure.

You know what I mean?

I'm just saying.

But yeah,

that's like the jits of it.

You know what I mean?

Absolutely.

So how long you've been doing stand-up?

Sorry, say it again.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

I've started like late 216, 217, so it's about seven, eight years.

Okay.

I'm trying to sound smart, bro, alright?

So just get out of the...

Don't try to to sound smart.

I'm sorry.

You don't look smart.

There's no point in sounding smart.

Hey, look, man, I completed fucking senior high school and shit.

You know what I mean?

So do you call it secondary school or something?

Is that now?

We don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm just a dumb cunt then.

All right, no,

there you go.

There you go.

We call it high school.

Sorry?

You said high school?

High school, yes.

Yeah, we call it high school.

Yeah, so what the fuck, bro?

Like, what the.

Well, you said secondary school.

And then you said 216, 217.

I was like, that's what I'm saying.

No, I said MS13.

MS-13 is what I said.

All right.

MS.

Oh, you have MS?

Yeah.

What do you do for work?

Bruin.

I'm actually a scaffolder by trade.

A scaffolder?

A scaffolder, yeah.

Why do you look so surprised for?

You talking to me?

No, I'm talking.

No, I'm talking to the I'm not trying to start a fight.

I'm saying the second gentleman here.

Yes, you, sir.

Yes.

Yes.

No, I'm not.

I don't know.

What?

Scaffolding?

No, you just look scared.

I'm sorry.

You put up scaffolding?

Yes, put up scaffolding.

Which is very Mexican.

I was going to say.

That's

so miss.

That's what I was going to say.

At this point, you're asking for it.

Yeah, dude.

I am

asking you.

I just drive me low rider to the scaffolding location.

Mow the lawn on my way in.

Me, senor, yo, necesito oblado una cosa.

Whoa, look at that.

Wow.

Oh, my goodness.

Look who's coming.

That's on you as well, you know what I mean?

It was freestyle.

Okay, Jesus Christ.

Do you have any special skills or talents?

Australians can be a wacky, multi-talented people.

I mean, I like anime.

I don't know if that helps.

I don't know what that means as well.

If you get into fights as a kid, your nose is kind of fucked up.

Is that from a lot of cocaine or getting beat up?

That's got none of your business, bro.

Oh, that means cocaine is the answer, ladies and gentlemen.

A little bit of that out of the way.

The back of your head is caved in.

What's happened to the back of your head?

Can you fucking stop, bro, please?

Just turn around and turn on the back of your head.

Yeah, it's flat.

I know.

I was flattened as a kid.

I don't know.

Look, I've got to go.

Both of your hemispheres are fucked up.

I mean,

I could actually level a wall with the back of my head.

You know what I mean?

Another Mexican trait.

There it is.

So wait, so what happened?

You partied so hard that you busted your nose.

Australians, by the way, a lot of people don't know this.

I do know this.

I once, at one point in my life,

toured Australia a lot.

I'm very close with a lot of Australians and a lot of people don't know.

They all are heavily addicted to cocaine.

It's a thing.

They do it like it's nothing there.

Like we drink bloodline or something like that.

They all do it.

Can you expand on this?

Am I correct?

It's a big secret that they keep.

Meanwhile, they force their own people to get vaccinated numerous times while everybody is already halfway to a heart attack.

But go ahead, tell us more.

I mean, it's not all the cocaine.

That's not the whole story.

Okay.

Everyone's invested now.

I'm scared as shit.

You know what I mean?

Now look, my nose got fucked up like when I was a kid.

What happened?

Do we have to go there?

Oh my goodness.

Of all the things, you're so nervous to talk about how your nose became flat halfway up.

Yeah.

Man, you're making me feel real self-conscious about how I look now, man.

You should.

You should.

Somebody kicked in your nose so hard it caved in the back of your head.

We want to know about it.

That's like that, man.

If you feel too self-conscious about the way you look, just stare at Joe DeRosa's face for a second.

No.

I mean, look, like, fucking...

I was, like, I used to do boxing and shit like that.

Like, you know what I mean?

So that's also part of the flat and what's not just the cocaine.

It's also the boxing.

That was the best.

Cocaine was first out of the box thing.

I started when I was 10, bro.

I didn't do cocaine until I was like nine and a half.

So let's get that straight.

So you also boxed to escape your country.

Very Mexican.

Yeah.

A very Mexican.

You've got to come off some new shit now.

You keep saying the Mexican shit, man.

Because you keep hitting that note over and over.

I can't believe how many Mexican boxes you're ticking right now.

It's unfortunate.

I know the scaffolding.

Yeah, no, that's fair enough.

But, yeah.

I don't know where we go from here because I've never had this silence.

This is getting weird.

This is getting weird.

Nope, you're going.

Sorry?

Has a doctor talked to you about the back of your head?

No, it's like inside.

I'm not saying I'm not.

Turn around, show everybody the back of your head.

I'm going to do a side, sorry,

okay.

Here it is, the big reveal.

Whoa.

Did you just swallow me?

Yeah.

Get the fuck out of you, cunts.

It's like a blooming onion back there.

Can I draw a face on the back of it and then you turn around slowly like that?

Can we do that?

Come here, I'm gonna do it.

I need your permission, though.

Can I draw a face on the back of your head and then you reveal it?

Fuck it, let's do it.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

This is fucking humiliating.

His head is so sweaty that it just eats the Sharpie alive.

It's not working.

I didn't get one eye.

It actually looks like your actual face.

There's no nose.

There's no.

Oh my god.

This is the worst decision I've ever made to come here, man.

The worst decision.

This is amazing.

What's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you your entire life before I let you go?

I feel like you've seen a lot.

I feel like there's a lot of special fun facts about you.

I mean, okay, I'll say this.

There's one time I actually got my drink spiked, right?

So, sorry, spiked.

Like, my drink got spiked.

Yeah.

No, because I have to break it down because I say

was it a margarita by chance?

Nah, I'm a real man, so I drank Jackson Coke.

So, like, I had my

end Coke, multiple Jacks.

One Coke.

So I had...

I had a, yeah, Lumber Jackson flathead.

what was more jacked your coke or your nose

at this time was both actually okay so both I was actually pretty fucked up and um uh so my drink got spiked this sharpie literally doesn't work anything

it absorbed all of the fucking just

hey the whole time I was gonna just explain I'm just gonna do this one and rub it off but uh so I got your head has a wet back

Tick's another one that's another box on the Mexican hey yo and it's actually wet as well when I did it you know what I mean It's fucked up.

So I got my drink sparked and I went to the...

Sparked.

Next on Spark.

UFC Unleashed on Spark.

Fucking watch the Spark to there, dad.

Fucking crocky.

So

my drink got sparked and I went to the restroom.

You exaggerated.

I was going to keep exaggerating.

So let me let me say, just, you're doing good.

I just thank you.

I appreciate you.

But

so my drink got sparked and

I went to the restroom.

And the last thing I remember is me at the urinal doing a piss.

And I woke up on the floor.

Like,

yeah.

What do you call the urine?

We just piss.

We don't just do it.

What the fuck?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's why our economy is so much better than yours.

Oh, we have to do the do before we do, do, do, do, do.

We already did that by the time you talk about doing it.

Right.

Okay, that's fair.

So I was pissing.

i have to do a piss

yeah i have to go do a piss all right go ahead yeah thank you man yeah that was but uh oh so so i was doing a piss i was pissing and the last thing i remember is me on the floor with like a little puddle full of blood and shit like that and i woke up and like the bouncer comes up like all even though i was knocked out i heard like the like the like someone calling like for a bounce like oh fuck someone come in yeah his cunt's all fucked up and then yeah the back of his head's fucking swelling

i think i think he broke his fucking nose

not just that the back of my head got fucked up too you know what i mean but uh like like so the bouncer wakes me up and then he's like hey man

are you right bro yeah g'day mate are you right

crikey that's a lot of blood you know but then he wakes me up man the fuck happened and then he's like oh you actually slipped and you hit your head on the urinal oh shit yeah so that's this this.

You were doing a piss and the piss did you.

Yeah, right.

Right.

Oh my god.

I got made piss by the urinal.

Like, because there's a saying that we say in Australia, if someone got made piss, it means that someone got fucked up.

As in, like, they got fucked up in a fight.

Fight, as I said.

So it's like, I got made pissed by the pisser.

That makes sense.

It wasn't that funny, but you can't win all of them.

Right, it's true.

That's true.

Boxing match in your youth.

And I got a chipped tooth and my nose is still fucked, but I also got a scar here at the bottom.

And I woke up in hospital and shit, still confused about what happened.

This is not where I thought that this story would be.

I didn't realize the reason for it would be clumsy.

You know, I thought so.

I mean, I'm not the smartest person that I know.

You know what I mean?

It's right.

I don't even think you're from Australia, dude.

I think you had a traumatic brain injury.

And this new personality is what come out, and you're actually from Guadalajara, like we've assumed.

From the beginning.

And none of this is real.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Bruno.

Bruno, Bruno.

Thank you so much.

We appreciate you.

Thank you.

Is that a good one?

Here's a medium-sized joke book for you.

Thank you.

Oh, shit.

There you go.

There's a black guy on edibles.

It's like, what the hell are these jokebooks flying at?

Hey, over there.

There you go, buddy.

There he goes.

Bruno, everyone.

What's that?

These wild energies.

These Australians are wild.

All right.

One last last bucketful.

Make some noise for him.

It's Luke Wright, everyone.

Luke Wright.

Well, hello, all the people.

My name's Luke.

I identify as a BBC,

badly balding Caucasian.

Yeah, I had a pretty rough rough childhood.

My dad beat me with conservative values.

He's a big conspiracy theory guy, too.

He thinks 9-11 was an inside job.

I think that's pretty ridiculous.

I think it pretty clearly happened outside.

Yeah.

We were a religious household, too.

You know, we went to church every Sunday.

I was a cute kid.

So I had to beat the priest off with a stick.

Messed up.

I mean, who wants to get beat off with a stick?

Not that bad, though.

We would go get Mexican food after to make me feel better.

You know, now, whenever I want to feel like I'm back in my childhood, I just go and get some nice alpastor tacos.

Yeah.

Only now I have to pay for pastor meat in my mouth.

Oh my goodness.

A lot of people pushing into the limit here.

Luke Wright with a full set.

Hi, Luke.

How's it going?

How are you?

I'm doing all right.

How old are you?

Uh, this is insane.

This is awesome.

This is like a dream come true.

This is, yeah, okay.

Yeah.

How old are you?

Uh, I'm good.

I just came in for the festival.

God, uh, you don't believe me?

Oh, no.

No, how old are you?

How old am I?

I'm 23 years old.

20

years old.

You don't look a day over Joe DeRosa.

Why am I the go-to?

I've never seen back-to-back contestants have one has the worst back of the head and then the worst front of the head.

My God, you're aging worse than the homeless guy is.

Well, I would say like a fine wine, but there's nothing fine about this wine.

I don't know.

Oh, that was.

That was amazing.

That was amazing, Luke.

So where are you from?

I'm from Houston.

Houston.

And that's where you were born and raised?

No, I was born and raised in Connecticut.

Well, half and half.

What made you, how long ago did you move to Houston?

About 12 years old.

So like half of my life I was in Houston.

Half of my life I was in Connecticut.

You just stayed 12 forever.

Yeah, my body stayed 12.

My face went to 30 real quick.

Yeah.

Okay.

What do you do for work?

Right now I'm working, or I'm about to start working on Wednesday at an art gallery doing like guest services stuff.

Okay.

What did you do before this?

I was actually working here in Austin.

I was working at a migrant shelter.

A migrant shelter?

Yeah.

Wow.

What were you doing at the migrant shelter?

Basically, we would take people who got out of ICE attention and we would give them a place to stay,

get on their feet.

Why don't you tell us some of the stuff that you learned there about how migrants are handled here in the great state of Texas?

Yeah, it's kind of crazy.

Yeah, I bet it is.

Yeah.

so

it's a people come across the border, right?

And if you don't have a visa, you don't submit any papers beforehand, you're handled as an asylum seeker, basically.

Uh-huh.

So you go into ICE detention, and you're processed, they like do background checks, stuff like that.

And then you're released, and you're basically...

waiting on your case because everyone that comes into the country is fighting an immigration case.

And once you're released from detention, you have to file an application for asylum.

And while that application is being processed, you have to wait 180 days until you're able to legally work in this country.

Right.

So

people are let out of prison and expected to be able to sustain themselves for over, like at minimum, 180 days without being able to work legally.

So that's kind of the hole that we filled as a shelter was giving people a place to go in the meantime while they were getting all their paperwork done.

Right.

So they have 180 days.

Oh, these guys like

a lot of supporters of people moving here that can't work or contribute to the economy in any way.

Very interesting crowd.

Must be the people visiting.

Must be the people visiting from the Upper East Coast.

Imagine, imagine.

Imagine what it takes.

They can legally work where they came from.

How about that?

God damn it.

Huh?

Hit him!

Thank you, Tony.

Wait, President Trump, what was that?

Thank you, Tony.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

Just stating the obvious here.

Imagine coming here with all of your dreams.

And as soon as you get here, they're like, your case will be handled by this small boy.

You're like, I think we've made a mistake.

Did any of them ever give you a hard time?

Oh, no, they're all great people.

Oh, yeah.

You like them, huh?

Well, no, I did almost get stabbed once.

That's right.

It was an almost.

It was an almost.

Yeah.

What were they going to stab you with?

It was scissors.

What?

Yeah.

How did that go down?

She came from a very messed up country.

She.

Yeah.

She came over the entire family.

That's what happened.

They tried to text other girls.

Don't fucking do that, dude.

Trust me, I know.

Don't fucking do that.

Oh, man, you know the struggle.

I mean,

it's scary.

So, she was she Latina?

No, she was from Africa.

From what?

From Africa.

Oh, boy, one of those.

Okay.

Was she from Uganda by any chance?

No, it's like

a small eastern country in Africa.

I don't want to say specifically which one, but

I don't think we know where they are.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot where we were.

Shit.

Okay.

Did she say ah hell now right before

the show?

What was the...

No, no, no, that's the west side.

I'm talking about the east side.

Okay.

Nice.

All right.

You have to be geographically confused right now.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

So,

what happened?

What was the dialogue before the scissor attack?

She got in an argument with another one of the residents at the shelter and got very upset, was trying to like attack him.

And I basically got between them so that she didn't hurt anyone.

And yeah.

Okay.

Look at you.

It's nice.

Look at you, a hero.

I wouldn't go that far.

I mean, I don't know.

All right.

So you almost got attacked.

What's your love life like, Luke?

You seem like the kind of guy that loves,

you know,

hunting at a playground.

It's a

rocky molester that looks like a boy.

He can play both roles.

Yeah, he's a predator and a victim.

No, it's rough.

It's rough.

Yeah, what's it like out there for you?

I don't know.

It's just kind of hard to find

people.

Well,

you know,

you're looking at me.

I mean, it's.

But...

No.

Well, I mean, I don't think you're East African women's type.

That's the thing.

You're going.

I mean, it's cool, but.

Yeah,

you almost scissored with a migrant.

There must be

something going on.

What detention center would you put these two Mexican women at exactly?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, Canadian.

Canadian, the worst of them all.

Probably like North Dakota.

I mean, it's pretty close.

I don't know.

Perfect.

So, Luke,

when you say it's bad, I look like this, whatever, like, when's the last time you went on a date?

About

a year ago, ish.

Year and a half ago.

Who was that with?

How did that go down?

Um, that was just off of Tinder.

Okay, so you're on Tinder, uh, not anymore.

What, you just gave up, Tinder suicide?

Uh, yeah, I just prefer to meet people in person, and that hasn't been going so well.

Uh, not really, you're just standing by the Rio Grande waiting for me

some bad timing,

okay,

grab the high-viz, you know.

All right,

uh,

Have you ever...

Well, you don't live in Austin.

You live in Houston.

Yep.

You drove here.

Yeah, I actually came here for the festival, and I wasn't even going to be signing up for this show, but then one of the other comedians let me stay with her.

Whoa, with her.

Oh, my goodness gracious.

Someone had a baby crib?

No, she is a grandmother.

What?

Wow.

Okay.

Yeah, no, she's a yeah, she's a grandmother.

She's pretty old.

I don't know exactly how old.

I don't ask.

I I don't know.

I'm a sick fuck with a place to stay.

That's it.

That's it.

Good for y'all.

Congratulations, Luke.

Fun times.

You got through it.

You did it.

I'm out of medium joke books.

Here's a big joke book for you, Luke.

There you go.

There it is.

All right.

We've had fun.

There's only one way to end a show like this, ladies and gentlemen.

While there was no Cam Patterson this episode, while there was no Hans Kim, there was no Ari Mati.

There is one person who is here tonight

who is going to blow your mind to absolute shreds.

I'm positive of it because he is the record holder for all time appearances on this show and interviews on this show.

A living member, the first living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame.

Ladies and gentlemen, you might know him as the Montenegro

Mauler, the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla.

This is the big red machine, William Montgomery.

Quick pro tip, if you ever get to meet bone thugs in Harmony, don't ask, which one of you is Harmony?

I used to seal the deal with girls in college by going to their apartment and offering to clean their bathroom, and then I would unseal the deal by taking a shit afterwards.

I'm starting an Ultimate Frisbee fantasy league and we're already bankrupt.

One rule I did have to enforce on the league was hacky sack is illegal in the offseason.

People are hurting their ankles.

Okay, connection between hacky sack and fuck Ultimate Frisbee.

Tony, I actually recently invented an anti-gravity bong.

It doesn't work, but I was also pretty high when I invented it.

Okay, that's my time.

Thank you, Tony.

William

lights out.

Montgomery.

The great gumball of the North.

The one and the only.

William Montgomery.

Jared Nathan got wheeled out of the front of this fucking building.

He literally came up into the green room vomiting, sick as shit.

He had a fever, and they literally wheeled him out like 10 minutes ago.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Wait, shut up.

No, seriously.

He seemed really sick.

Y'all really, y'all disinfected this, right?

I swear to God, he literally fell out.

He vomited a bunch in the freaking green room.

And I had been joking the whole time that Jared Nathan seemed super sick.

And you know me, Tony, I'm kind of a germaphobe person.

And then he starts vomiting and he hits his head a little bit on the ground it really wasn't that seriously it wasn't that bad but they had to get him out in a stretcher out front are you serious yeah

holy

so i'm just happy to be here right now it literally no seriously i mean i was excited about being here tonight and everything and then i'm joking with his ass i'm like don't don't touch me you seem so sick he literally kept on trying to touch me he was joking around and he stutters a bunch so it could be hard to kind of understand what he's even saying to my fucking ass i just try to be nice but he ended up vomiting and

all of that at once.

He started vomiting and hit his head.

He vomited a bunch and he made this weird noise.

And we all kind of look at him and it got on Janice a little bit.

Red Band's Janice.

Yeah, it got on her a little bit.

Red Band's girlfriend, soon-to-be wife, Janice.

Did he stutter when he vomited?

Was it like a mist?

No, he seemed.

I don't feel so good.

I don't feel so good.

Yeah, yeah.

It was kind of like that, but no, it seemed like he was more scared.

Right.

Well, a way to put a little ribbon of sadness on it there at the end.

Absolutely incredible.

Amazing.

What's going on in your life, William?

You're a superstar.

Oh, my gosh.

Finally, I.

I was in Connecticut this past weekend.

It was fun.

I was in a mall.

I had a good time in Connecticut.

The club, though, Tony, they promised me they were going to get me two pizzas.

I don't have a lot on my rider.

All I I have is throat coat, honey,

and soda waters with limes.

I don't ask for a lot.

And then on Saturday night, I try to get a pizza from a place called Pepe's, and they swore to me.

They were ordering my two pizzas, and they didn't come at all.

And then I

started thinking,

what do they hate me?

I really start wondering if the free is, it's like an issue with the

right.

You wanted your Pepe's.

You were going to eat two pizzas?

Huh?

You were going to to eat two ones?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've been really hungry.

What were the toppings that you went with on these two pizzas?

It destroyed delete.

Tony, what did I not have on those motherfuckers?

We had fucking anchovies all that thing.

Oof, ooh, oof, oof, oof.

Whoa.

What's going on?

I think you have what Jared has.

No, my throat started hurting a little bit right on that.

I've luckily two weeks off.

Yeah, Tony.

It's bad.

If you scream at all, your throat clinches up now.

It hurt right there.

Hold on.

I have.

This is like if...

Tomato!

Oh, my goodness gracious.

The people are not going to enjoy this.

This is like if Gallagher came down with a watermelon allergy.

One of your trademarks is

so bad.

Hold on.

What else?

I had like masks!

Oh, wait, wait.

I think your throat hurting might be hilarious.

Hold on a second.

No, it really hurts, Tony.

What else was on the pizza?

Oh, yeah, Peppo.

Right, it's a let's go.

No, that would really hurt.

That would really hurt.

This is all just on one pizza?

Mm-hmm.

Is that all?

Is that all?

It's like a Supreme.

It was a Supreme.

Okay, what was on the other pizza?

Ooh, extra.

Jesus!

Maybe that's a better way to...

Okay, we can see him clenching up, ladies and gentlemen.

This is incredible.

A whole new storyline to keep your eyes on.

William can no longer see.

What else was on the second pizza?

Tell us.

We got an iceberg lettuce.

Lettuce!

Oh, that's it!

You got iceberg lettuce.

I'd never even heard of such a thing before.

Connecticut.

Yeah, it was like a hamburger pizza.

Oh.

Oh, it's good.

Extra cheese, iceberg lettuce.

Was there sour?

It's just got an ad.

Oh.

Yeah, extra cheese.

Iceberg lettuce.

I call it a hamburger pizza because it kind of reminds me of Big Mac.

Ooh.

What else was on it?

Was there?

Some Dowson Island.

Traffic!

Okay!

Okay, only me and Red Man find this amusing for some reason.

Every once in a while, you just gotta enjoy it.

I love it.

So you didn't get your Pepe's pizzas.

What did you end up eating that night?

It's a lonely road out there, especially almost more than anywhere in Connecticut.

I got two orders of chicken wings to go, and and it was kind of funny.

One of Dan Medonia, who you know, he was one of the guys who's on the show.

It was very fun, and I guess he farted when I finally opened up my chicken wings.

And I thought immediately my brain equated it with the chicken being spoiled because it smelled kind of like spoiled chicken, but it was actually just his farts.

So then I ended up forcing myself to eat it, watching forensic files in the hotel room after

it was cold.

It was gross.

but wow it was fun slipped an hour and a half rest in peace to marianne uh romero erica's sweet grandmother she passed away on friday shout outs to your girlfriend's dead grandmother that part is real ladies and gentlemen that's

very sad no red band

That actually, Red Band, normally I just kind of don't think your stupid ass is funny because I think everybody kind of knows that.

I think you get lucky every now and again, but it was kind of

that genuinely was a little offensive.

So if you could say you're sorry, I would appreciate it.

I'm sorry.

When you said shout out, I thought you meant, you know, shout out to my, you know, like TLC.

Oh, I get it.

Wow.

Wow.

So your girlfriend's grandmother passed away.

She's up in heaven eating.

She's up in heaven.

She's wonderful.

She was so hospitable to me.

That's when I was living in LA, just doing my cocaine, drinking my butt ices all night long.

She was so very nice.

Oh, I do remember.

She was hospitable to me.

I greatly appreciate her love for you.

She's very enabling to your bad habits.

I remember that.

Now she's up there eating Pepe's pizza.

Tony.

You can have all the toppings you want in heaven.

Did you know that?

Absolutely.

So, William, what else?

How do we put a ribbon on this thing?

Tell these people

what's going on in your life.

Well, the election is coming up.

I just hope everybody is registered to vote.

Yeah, what's that thing called?

What's that thing called?

The thingy?

There's a place you can go to register to vote.

The polls.

And this episode is...

Yeah, go to the polls this year.

Brought to you by them.

Yes, you can also register there.

Oh, yeah, that is kind of a thing.

I get it now.

Yeah, register to vote.

Go to the polls.

Go to actually voice your opinion.

You got to go to the polls.

You can't just register.

You have to go to the polls.

That's how you vote.

Everyone's in this room.

And pray for Jerry Nathan.

Seriously.

Jerry Nathan.

Jared Nathan.

Pray for Jared Nathan.

He really was not good.

Jared, a Canadian, is is probably voting three times in this election.

If we know anything about how

it works.

But if you go to sendthavote.org slash Tony, you can register to vote.

But vote for the right person.

Because if you like this show, I'll tell you, they already make us bleep certain words.

And there's one of the candidates that isn't exactly that big on free speech.

I'm not going to give anything away.

Thank you, Tony.

Oh, you're welcome, Mr.

President.

William, we love you.

Nice to be here.

William lights out Montgomery, the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Montenegro Mahler, the Virginia Ham.

The drawing from Ryan J.

E-Belt is in and it's incredible.

Chris DeStepano's on tour.

Get tickets of Christy Comedy going to Phoenix and Miami.

Chrissy Chaos, he's also putting out long clips of his stand-up on YouTube every Sunday at Christy Comedy on YouTube.

That's C-H-R-I-S-D Comedy.

And yeah, that's great.

Joe DeRosa, ladies and gentlemen, makes noise for Joe.

Joe DeRosa.com.

He's doing a Christmas show in Massachusetts December 7th.

He also has the great Joey Roses, one of my favorite sandwich shops in the world.

Fully operational in New York City.

Hopefully coming here to Austin, Texas soon.

We hope so.

We hope so.

A lot of great stuff happening.

Thanks to HelloFresh and Mando for sponsoring this episode.

How about one more time for the best stamp band in the land, everybody?

Guys, check out SunsetStripATX.com.

Love you guys.

Thank you guys.

Good night, everybody.

Love you.

Bye-bye.

Is now dumber for having listened to it.

Everyone in this room.

Everyone everyone in this room

Everyone in this room

Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it

Everyone in this room

Everyone in this room

Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it

Everyone in this room is now everyone in this room

everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it everyone in this room

everyone

Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it

Everyone in this room

Everyone in this room

everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened

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Yo, this is important, man.

My favorite Lululemon shorts, the ones you got me back in the day, I think they're called Pacebreakers.

The ones with all the pockets.

I just got back from vacation and I left them in my hotel room.

And dude, I need to replace these shorts.

I wear them like three times a week.

Could you send me the link to where you got them?

Oh, also, my birthday is coming up soon.

So, anyways, thanks, bro.

Talk soon.

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