#686 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + LUIS J GOMEZ + DAVE SMITH

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Speaker 8 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 8 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at deathsquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.

Speaker 8 If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com. Everything golden pony, including his tour dates, at tonyhinchcliffe.com.

Speaker 8 If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

Speaker 8 And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 11 Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 13 Get up for Tony Edgecliffe!

Speaker 2 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

Speaker 15 God fucking damn it.

Speaker 17 Up up up up up you fucks.

Speaker 18 Louder.

Speaker 18 Yes, there's volume.

Speaker 19 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 21 Kino, Kino, Kino.

Speaker 22 We sing about fucking Kino. Meanwhile, the volume on the main mic's off.

Speaker 24 Bunch of arts here.

Speaker 25 I work with...

Speaker 26 Wait, we have to bleep that now.

Speaker 28 I can't say retards.

Speaker 29 Jesus, YouTube is laying down the law on us, people.

Speaker 30 A lot of bleeps coming in your way.

Speaker 23 How's everybody doing tonight? Good,

Speaker 33 unbelievable.

Speaker 29 Unbelievable.

Speaker 27 Mix noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 34 And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land?

Speaker 35 Huh?

Speaker 36 Groove Line Horns, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa,

Speaker 38 and Fernando Castillo,

Speaker 41 Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Speaker 42 Matt Muelling on the electric guitar.

Speaker 41 John Dees on the keys.

Speaker 45 And this is D-Madness Live in the Flesh.

Speaker 16 The real deal.

Speaker 47 An amazing episode in store for you.

Speaker 50 Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

Speaker 52 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.
Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

Speaker 23 Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what?

Speaker 54 This is Kill Tony,

Speaker 50 the number one show in comedy, brought to you by Simply Save Hymns and ExpressVPN.

Speaker 59 You know, every single week, I bring on maybe one, maybe two of the funniest people people in the world.

Speaker 58 Tonight, we go with three.

Speaker 17 This is

Speaker 61 very, very exciting because these are indeed our brothers from another mother. For over a decade, we have had a synergistic relationship.

Speaker 48 We do their shows. They do our shows.
We do their festivals. They show up to our crazy shit.

Speaker 46 Forever. These are our brothers from New York City.

Speaker 65 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the long-awaited return on this, a very special week of Skank Fest.

Speaker 13 This is the Legion of Skanks.

Speaker 13 Louis Jay Gomez, Dave Smith, and Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 13 Fuck yes, the great Dave Smith, Louis J. Gomez,

Speaker 13 and indeed,

Speaker 69 Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 70 Three of my favorite human beings, three legends of the show.

Speaker 27 And it is incredible to have you guys back.

Speaker 72 Hi, Lewis.

Speaker 56 One of the record holders for all-time appearances on the show, Louis J.

Speaker 49 Government.

Speaker 62 Thank you, Bright. We're very happy to be here.

Speaker 74 You're our brothers.

Speaker 75 We love Austin, Texas. We have no problems with Austin, Texas.

Speaker 36 That's right. You know that.

Speaker 75 New York City sucks. Austin rules.

Speaker 17 That is correct.

Speaker 49 That is correct.

Speaker 21 I'm glad to see some of those vaccine side effects wearing off.

Speaker 79 Last time Lewis was on the show he ate an obese man's kidney stone so just to show you what you could be in store for here tonight what

Speaker 68 yeah

Speaker 80 a guy had a kidney stone he brought it in a bottle Lewis asked to see it and then he placed it in his mouth did you ever poop that out I don't know Tony maybe peed it out I have no idea.

Speaker 87 It might still be with me right now.

Speaker 89 That is true.

Speaker 90 Anything can happen.

Speaker 29 Performed at Madison Square Garden on Kill Tony.

Speaker 74 Tony, lead with that.

Speaker 67 Yeah, no, the kidney stone first.

Speaker 23 Big Jay Ogerson fucking crushed Madison Square Garden.

Speaker 74 Thank you again for that opportunity, man.

Speaker 91 That was unbelievable.

Speaker 73 Amazing shows.

Speaker 31 We're having fun.

Speaker 43 Big Jay is coming back to the mothership here in November, right?

Speaker 28 It's here.

Speaker 94 Mothership. Be right here at the mothership.
November.

Speaker 80 That's your first weekend here.

Speaker 95 Yep, first time.

Speaker 92 Amazing.

Speaker 58 If you guys don't know, truly, when I say Big Jay is one of the best in the fucking world, I mean it.

Speaker 31 Everything is fucking off the top of his head.

Speaker 97 He's a real freak.

Speaker 32 You know, a lot of these crowd work guys that talk to the audience have a lot of stuff fucking saved up in their heads and this and that.

Speaker 43 He's like if a magician actually made the magic tricks.

Speaker 26 Like if it was like real, if it was like in front of you and it wasn't like something up his sleep, he's like a freak.

Speaker 99 I'm releasing a double special of crowd work and I'm calling it them they.

Speaker 21 And the great Dave Smith is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 27 One of our favorites, future presidential candidate.

Speaker 103 I don't know about all that, but Lewis did tell me backstage that he is going to top his last appearance tonight. So you guys get ready.

Speaker 29 I'm planning on bottoming my last appearance here tonight. Over 260 human souls signed up for the opportunity to stand behind that microphone that did not work earlier when I came out on stage.

Speaker 30 Hopefully it works for them in some way or another.

Speaker 32 If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted to make everyone laugh.

Speaker 107 You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitty.

Speaker 29 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood bear,

Speaker 92 which interrupts them.

Speaker 30 And then I conduct an interview with them.

Speaker 38 We talk about their lives, anything more that they could possibly

Speaker 59 talk about on stage or what's interesting about them.

Speaker 31 The whole thing is improvised and anything can happen.

Speaker 92 Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Speaker 29 Well, well, well, while we go wrangle that poor soul from across the street who right now has no idea that they're about to be on the biggest show in comedy, but is about to find out.

Speaker 29 We have a regular, actually a golden ticket winner who is climbed, ironically, to

Speaker 44 absolute fucking stardom here on this show.

Speaker 48 I mean, truly one of the most rock-solid comedians.

Speaker 23 I present to you, kicking off tonight's show, make some noise for the great and powerful Martin Phillips, everybody.

Speaker 114 What's up, baby?

Speaker 116 Make some noise if you're into

Speaker 117 having unprotected sex

Speaker 64 So word by parents.

Speaker 116 I'm actually going to start incorporating magic in my act.

Speaker 36 I won't know how.

Speaker 119 What the fuck was that? Oh, my God.

Speaker 118 That's the magic.

Speaker 118 I made that happen. I made that action.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 43 All right, Abe.

Speaker 36 Okay, you're here. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 116 9-11.

Speaker 36 If you heard about this,

Speaker 90 I wondered, like, what if the dare is hijacked a shady airline like a like a spirit or a frontier?

Speaker 118 I've served the passengers for the thought,

Speaker 117 this is what I get.

Speaker 121 This is

Speaker 113 I knew and I

Speaker 122 and

Speaker 120 the terrorists would have been like, whoa, this is really easy to do.

Speaker 118 My God.

Speaker 118 No one would think it was a terrorist attack.

Speaker 7 They'd be like, yeah, and Stani Airline crap.

Speaker 117 Every fight to hijacking. Okay.

Speaker 36 That's it.

Speaker 34 The great Martin Phillips showing how it's done.

Speaker 126 Yet again.

Speaker 40 Kicking ass.

Speaker 49 Breaking glass.

Speaker 128 That's what happens when you make the waitresses laugh.

Speaker 89 Shit goes AYR over there.

Speaker 81 Cool.

Speaker 29 Martin, you did it again.

Speaker 25 Great, great, great.

Speaker 31 Rock solid.

Speaker 26 Thanks. Did you paint that shirt yourself?

Speaker 118 This is a

Speaker 6 sick shirt, man.

Speaker 36 It's

Speaker 25 sick ass shirt.

Speaker 21 By sick, do you mean the shirt has been vomiting all over itself?

Speaker 117 This is a birth shop five.

Speaker 115 Okay.

Speaker 36 Okay.

Speaker 114 All right.

Speaker 130 But yeah, I guess it is kind of looks like

Speaker 123 shit. Yeah.

Speaker 117 Not shot out out like shit.

Speaker 133 I love how defensive you get over things like that.

Speaker 134 It's a cool shirt.

Speaker 10 Well, oh, look, a leftover jacket.

Speaker 119 So original.

Speaker 118 Oh, my God.

Speaker 121 Yeah, oh, my God.

Speaker 11 Is that the bottom?

Speaker 118 Oh, my God.

Speaker 36 Oh, my God.

Speaker 25 Hey, this is a thrift shop find.

Speaker 77 What do you guys think of Martin?

Speaker 24 Oh,

Speaker 78 I was asking the panel, but yeah.

Speaker 130 I don't want to pull a curtain, but

Speaker 73 there's no way from the time you said his name to the time he walked on the stage, this guy came from across the street.

Speaker 9 I hope I'm not showing how the sausage is made or something, but.

Speaker 44 No,

Speaker 44 he was ready.

Speaker 68 Yeah.

Speaker 116 They let me show Raleigh's flow spot.

Speaker 79 We make sure he's directly making it.

Speaker 115 Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Speaker 36 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 10 You guys are going to have to play Pink Floyd's The Wall.

Speaker 9 Great job.

Speaker 25 Oh, thank you. Fantastic job.

Speaker 133 Very, very fun.

Speaker 36 Thanks.

Speaker 26 It really, really was.

Speaker 58 Amazing stuff.

Speaker 92 You talked about unprotected sex, your parents did indeed have it.

Speaker 104 You ever talk to your parents about what they may have been doing or messing around with?

Speaker 117 I do not want to know.

Speaker 89 Yeah, I don't want to ask my parents about their sex value, you know.

Speaker 104 But I mean, like, specifically when they made you.

Speaker 116 Who knows what eventually they got into that night?

Speaker 140 Wait, do you think the problem is it was positionally wrong?

Speaker 36 Apparently, Tony does.

Speaker 116 I don't know.

Speaker 88 Why did I take a cream pie and that pile driver?

Speaker 72 A cream pile driver, if you will.

Speaker 115 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 37 I don't know.

Speaker 116 I don't know.

Speaker 114 My dad came and he shook my mom.

Speaker 68 Nice, dude. Human centrifuge.

Speaker 68 Yeah.

Speaker 36 I hope they don't watch this.

Speaker 50 It's worth asking.

Speaker 31 I'd be interested to know.

Speaker 130 I'm not interested.

Speaker 115 I'm okay with that.

Speaker 117 If you meet my parents, go for it.

Speaker 116 Ask them where they are.

Speaker 29 They're in

Speaker 114 Virginia.

Speaker 90 Okay.

Speaker 25 Now you schedule a trip to Virginia.

Speaker 60 Okay.

Speaker 73 Virginia?

Speaker 88 It was myth.

Speaker 6 That's West Virginia.

Speaker 36 Okay, come on.

Speaker 135 That was shit out of my state.

Speaker 115 Come on.

Speaker 73 Those cousin fuckers have driver's license, they migrate.

Speaker 101 Lewis, yeah, were they like old family members or something?

Speaker 36 Well, they weren't related or

Speaker 116 they were in their 30s, so like

Speaker 116 hey, people

Speaker 116 don't wait, you know,

Speaker 116 I'm the only like disabled guy in the family, so I don't know.

Speaker 112 Well,

Speaker 49 disabled?

Speaker 10 Oh, dude.

Speaker 116 I guess.

Speaker 58 Well, you're funny as hell, Martin.

Speaker 27 You're an absolute monster.

Speaker 143 No better way to get the show started than with you tonight.

Speaker 47 He shows us how it's done time and time again.

Speaker 23 Truly claiming the territory of one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the show's history.

Speaker 45 And we found him out of the bucket, just like we find everybody.

Speaker 61 Oh, there she is, ladies and gentlemen. The great and powerful Heidi is with us.

Speaker 15 And so we get to our first bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 61 Anything could happen.

Speaker 46 Could be a great comedian that has a rough set.

Speaker 61 Could be a bad comedian that has a good set.

Speaker 143 Bad comedian has a bad set. Good comedian has a good set.

Speaker 21 Could be somebody's first time.

Speaker 143 They could be doing it for two decades.

Speaker 138 Anything could happen.

Speaker 144 This is 60 seconds uninterrupted by your first bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 123 He goes by the name of Will Eck, everybody.

Speaker 66 Here's Will Eck.

Speaker 145 Alright, hey, everybody. It's an absolute pleasure to be here.

Speaker 145 So recently, I went on a road trip from Salt Lake City, Utah to San Antonio, Texas. It's about a two-hour drive.

Speaker 145 And I got pretty lonely, so I figured who can help me feel not so lonely. I decided my ex.
So I sent her a text saying, hey, I'm on a road trip. I'm feeling kind of lonely.
Could you?

Speaker 145 Maybe give me a call or something.

Speaker 145 And about 20 minutes goes by and I get a little buzz on my phone while I'm driving. And I look down and it's her.
I'm so excited. And she sent me a phone number.

Speaker 145 And underneath the phone number, it said, this is the phone number for the Utah Suicide Hotline.

Speaker 145 I have never been so humbled and yet so rejected at the same time in my entire life.

Speaker 145 So needless to say, I've never talked to her again. I've actually yet to talk to a girl since then.

Speaker 145 It kind of ruined my ego.

Speaker 49 Will Eck, ladies and gentlemen, with a true therapy session here for his 62nd stand-up set, Louis Jake Gomez.

Speaker 75 I know why his last name is Ech.

Speaker 49 Oh my goodness. Will, Will, Will.

Speaker 133 Wow.

Speaker 79 Will is short for Willie Ever Have a Punchline?

Speaker 38 Wow, Will. So let's talk about it.

Speaker 27 That was 60 seconds, and you made everybody kind of depressed.

Speaker 57 Somehow you seemed sadder and more pussy-less than the shaky cerebral palsy guy that was up here before you wearing a barf shirt.

Speaker 84 And yet, here you are.

Speaker 9 Yes, sir.

Speaker 72 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 58 What were your parents doing the night that they made you?

Speaker 148 That's the real question.

Speaker 145 My dad actually told me the night I was conceived. I didn't ask for it, but we were on our, once again, we were on a road trip, and he just told me straight up.

Speaker 145 He was like, you were conceived in your grandmother's basement.

Speaker 36 Wow, okay. There was some mold in that basement.

Speaker 89 Yes, Def.

Speaker 112 Absolutely.

Speaker 80 Semen went airborne, caught a piece of mold, went near mother's vagina with the mold on it.

Speaker 86 You are mold.

Speaker 145 And out came

Speaker 57 will eck why are why is everything that you and your family do always on a road trip what's happening here yeah I don't know I

Speaker 13 are you a homeless family a little bit yeah we grew up pretty poor actually yeah okay there you go where at

Speaker 145 Tall Lake City Utah okay and why poor what does your dad do

Speaker 145 well my dad left when I was eight years old and so it's just my mom did you tell him a joke no

Speaker 26 You had a dad until eight, which is better than I do believe

Speaker 59 three-fifths of the panel here tonight.

Speaker 43 So you're not really a victim.

Speaker 23 I'm pretty sure maybe Dave and Red Band are the only ones, right? Your dad was in your life?

Speaker 85 Oh, no. Oh, okay.

Speaker 103 Oh, no.

Speaker 73 I did end up here.

Speaker 89 Right, exactly.

Speaker 31 Red Band's parents are still together.

Speaker 44 You could tell.

Speaker 89 They're still together.

Speaker 147 Oh, they're not?

Speaker 89 They're still alive.

Speaker 18 Oh, well.

Speaker 10 You don't know that your direct partner's parents aren't together?

Speaker 73 You guys got to talk more, man.

Speaker 68 Never.

Speaker 26 All right.

Speaker 78 So Will, back to you.

Speaker 56 So how long have you tried stand-up comedy?

Speaker 106 How many times?

Speaker 147 What are we doing here?

Speaker 145 This is actually my very first time.

Speaker 13 Okay, that's

Speaker 143 I could feel that.

Speaker 48 I was hoping for that.

Speaker 91 It felt that way.

Speaker 112 Yep.

Speaker 38 It's a relief to hear you say that.

Speaker 62 Thank you. Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 2 Is the story true?

Speaker 145 Yeah, the story is absolutely true. Yep, that actually happened.

Speaker 104 What made you drive from Salt Lake City to San Antonio?

Speaker 120 I was depressed.

Speaker 145 I was losing my mind.

Speaker 144 You were so depressed that you decided to just huff it to San Antonio.

Speaker 145 Damn straight, yeah. I fell in love with the NBA like pretty late in my life, and the San Antonio Spurs picked me, and I went all the way to San Antonio to watch a Spurs game.

Speaker 36 What? Yes, sir.

Speaker 56 So you went to a Spurs game.

Speaker 145 Yeah, yeah, by myself. More depressing, yeah.

Speaker 86 Really?

Speaker 25 Yes. What?

Speaker 100 First of of all, you're too involved with your phone while you're driving.

Speaker 62 Yes.

Speaker 73 That might be the old person in me, but I kept hearing all these texts.

Speaker 9 I'm like, talk the text, call the bitch, dude.

Speaker 56 Now, she really sent you the suicide hotline number.

Speaker 59 How long were you with this girl for originally?

Speaker 145 Uh, it was a year and a half.

Speaker 135 Year and a half.

Speaker 81 How did it be old?

Speaker 151 I know.

Speaker 13 I know.

Speaker 145 I haven't talked to a girl since.

Speaker 103 Well, here you go. How did it end?

Speaker 26 How did it end where she was so ruthless to you when you're saying sweet on a road trip?

Speaker 56 Hey, I just need someone to talk to.

Speaker 148 it's me will x

Speaker 77 yeah uh well obviously the hotline worked he's here yeah it's true it's a redirect the mothership is located at 320 east 6th street this is where they all come yeah

Speaker 145 uh it's actually my fault so i was like pretty young i was like 19 20 when i met her And she was like starting to kind of talk about like moving in and getting like really serious.

Speaker 145 And I was like i kind of just want to play video games and hang out with my boys so that that was your breakup line

Speaker 145 i mean not with those exact words how old are you now i'm 24.

Speaker 145 okay yeah so this is a while ago yeah this was a while ago uh talked to her since no you said that you really haven't talked to a girl ever since yeah so the road trip happened in about february And yes, it's been about February that I've even tried to reach out to.

Speaker 145 It really destroyed me. I was really like, holy shit, am I like...

Speaker 145 Am I depressed?

Speaker 38 It was this February, the road trip.

Speaker 125 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 81 Do you live here now?

Speaker 85 I think he's going to kill him.

Speaker 53 I'm going to try to help this young man.

Speaker 145 Yeah, I actually got here.

Speaker 145 So my sister beat the shit out of me about a month ago.

Speaker 81 Okay.

Speaker 33 I am falling in love with you, Will.

Speaker 28 This is great.

Speaker 49 These are the kind of interviews I fucking

Speaker 115 love.

Speaker 26 To have one this early in the episode, I am just thrilled.

Speaker 7 It's my sister beat me that I couldn't go to ballet classes because my teachers would ask questions.

Speaker 91 I've been bulimic for three weeks now.

Speaker 142 Yeah.

Speaker 73 I still can't get into a two-piece without hating myself.

Speaker 36 Dude, I love it.

Speaker 103 Dude, quick piece of advice for your second comedy set? Yeah.

Speaker 149 Maybe lead with that. Okay.

Speaker 141 Yeah.

Speaker 26 Okay. Absolutely.

Speaker 56 How big is your sister?

Speaker 145 Uh, yeah, she's taller than me about like two inches. She's a welder, too.
She weighs about probably 15 pounds heavier than me.

Speaker 63 Your sister is a welder?

Speaker 145 Yeah, she's a welder.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 108 Oh, shit.

Speaker 145 Yeah, she beat the fuck out of me.

Speaker 53 Yeah.

Speaker 46 Tell us how she beat you up.

Speaker 23 What are some of the things that she did?

Speaker 145 So, okay, so basically, long story short, she's been making like a bottle of a lot of bad life decisions. She's a welder.
And

Speaker 145 I was like getting sick of it. You know, we tried everything.
We tried therapy, meds.

Speaker 145 We tried something.

Speaker 155 We tried everything.

Speaker 101 The whole family.

Speaker 68 The whole family.

Speaker 54 The whole family.

Speaker 145 We're from Salt Lake City. We're from Salt Lake City, Utah.

Speaker 50 It's a big thing.

Speaker 50 Oh, my God.

Speaker 145 Whole extended family, it's got to be like 60 people.

Speaker 26 And you guys all go to therapy together.

Speaker 145 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 145 Not many of us, because

Speaker 145 it's kind of like a recent thing. We're all kind of like getting on that wave, that kind of woke wave, you know.

Speaker 145 Okay. So, so, so, my sister, you know, we tried everything and nothing was really working.
So, I decided to.

Speaker 145 kill yourself

Speaker 74 actually technically she didn't kick my ass she made me keep hitting myself while telling me

Speaker 91 but I broke three ribs

Speaker 7 separated a shoulder

Speaker 26 So what did she do to you?

Speaker 55 Keep going.

Speaker 145 So finally, I had a talk with my little brother. I was like, we've tried everything.
Like, is it time to just go in guns ablaze and you just try and tear her apart? And really, like,

Speaker 62 my little brother's bigger than you.

Speaker 145 He's also bigger than me. Yeah, he's six feet tall.
Yeah, he's six feet tall.

Speaker 49 He's bigger than me.

Speaker 145 And he weight lifts and everything.

Speaker 145 He's going to the gym, hitting the Iron Playground. He's a big guy now.

Speaker 145 Playground.

Speaker 149 Wow, look at you.

Speaker 49 It's the toughest thing I've ever heard you say or do, Will.

Speaker 101 Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 60 You're welcome.

Speaker 145 So, yeah, so I went in Guns a Blaze, and I just tried to rip her apart. I probably called her fucking stupid too many times.
And she was currently reading book four of Harry Parter hardback.

Speaker 145 And she walked up to me face to face and held the book over my head. And I said, do it, fucking hit me.
And she did, and then she grabbed my shirt and repeated to punch me in the head.

Speaker 23 When you say head, you mean like top of the head?

Speaker 145 No, like in the temple, she hit me.

Speaker 128 That part's a little swollen on it.

Speaker 13 Still to this day.

Speaker 53 You have like a little Martian, little bit of a Martian-shaped head.

Speaker 145 I haven't felt the same ever since, actually.

Speaker 29 Unbelievable.

Speaker 9 Fight back?

Speaker 145 Yeah, yeah, actually, okay, so

Speaker 145 no, okay, so look, this is, it's debatable, it's debatable. I knocked her down three times, but I also walked away first

Speaker 156 but then i walked away first she was still ready to fight

Speaker 145 you're still sitting she's standing over you no so yeah no i i knocked i never fell down once i knocked her down three times but wait a second hold on

Speaker 94 all right jinklamata over here yeah

Speaker 145 how did you knock her down what was your well the first time i just grabbed her leg and i thought that she'd be done because i put her down and then she stood back up and kept kept on swinging. Right.

Speaker 145 And then the second time I hit her in the head and she fell over. And then the third time I just kind of shit.

Speaker 103 Did she say, I didn't hear no bell?

Speaker 66 By the way, where's Joe Rogan?

Speaker 91 They should let women fight guys.

Speaker 145 Dude, she beat my ass.

Speaker 10 I got like...

Speaker 134 She's 1-0.

Speaker 64 It's dudes.

Speaker 145 I got scars on my chest from her scratching me while doing it and everything. You're here now?

Speaker 13 Your site in Salt Lake City.

Speaker 145 So I literally moved here yesterday at 6 p.m.

Speaker 119 Wow.

Speaker 145 Tell us more about that from an abusive sister yeah yeah I couch surfed for a month after it happened and then I said fuck it I'm moving to Austin and here I am wow here you are and you're the first bucket pull of the night that's absolutely incredible now you said you haven't talked to a girl since is that true that's uh well like i talked to coworkers and stuff but i haven't talked to a girl like

Speaker 145 for work Well, okay, so I just moved here, so I don't have a job right now, but just previously I was working at like a cafe diner.

Speaker 90 A cafe diner?

Speaker 123 Yeah.

Speaker 7 You were a waitress?

Speaker 68 I was

Speaker 10 waiting for your girl for being a welder?

Speaker 73 Oh no, your sister's a welder.

Speaker 28 Yeah, yeah. My sister's a welder.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 61 So that's what you're good at?

Speaker 109 Cafe diner?

Speaker 145 Yeah, I was like a line prep cook, yeah.

Speaker 60 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 14 Um,

Speaker 71 all right.

Speaker 86 So, uh, very interesting.

Speaker 119 Are you good at it?

Speaker 61 Is that what you like to do?

Speaker 145 No, I actually fucking hate it. Really? Yeah, my last week I told my boss repeatedly, I fucking hate the line.
I fucking hate the line.

Speaker 103 And he said, what are you going to do? Your sister beat you up.

Speaker 66 I was catching up.

Speaker 74 Your daughter can come here and tell you to do it or else, but.

Speaker 50 Interesting stuff.

Speaker 98 So,

Speaker 21 first of all,

Speaker 107 we're going to help you get a job.

Speaker 92 Wow.

Speaker 24 You're in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 125 And...

Speaker 75 You're going to be a punching bag at the female boxing gym.

Speaker 36 Yeah.

Speaker 145 I'd be incredible at it. You wouldn't believe.

Speaker 73 I'm gonna go over to Orange Theory and beat the shit out of that fucking guy.

Speaker 2 And on top of that, we are also going to get you tickets to a Spurs game.

Speaker 30 And on top of that, ladies and gentlemen, since I find your interview to be so, you gave us so much to work with, Will.

Speaker 98 And that deserves a reward.

Speaker 96 Will, when was the last time you kissed a girl?

Speaker 63 Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Speaker 12 Oh, shit.

Speaker 143 Why don't you put the mic back in the mic stand?

Speaker 4 I'd like to introduce to you a young lady who was on the show once before.

Speaker 98 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a little segment that we call kiss me in the show's history, where a young buck that needs one gets one.

Speaker 21 And I'd like to reintroduce one of the most famous kissers of all time only kissed one boy on this show and took the internet by storm.

Speaker 33 Make some noise for Riley ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 68 Oh shit. Oh

Speaker 138 my god

Speaker 42 Will look at him look how nervous he is dude I haven't done this in so long Tony

Speaker 45 well ladies and gentlemen, this is how the magic happens.

Speaker 12 Oh shit

Speaker 40 Riley you want to show you want to take him to La La Land? Welcome Welcome to Austin, Texas, buddy.

Speaker 95 Wow, amazing.

Speaker 95 Oh, man.

Speaker 122 Tony, how'd I do?

Speaker 135 How did I do her head?

Speaker 112 He's not used to not getting the shit beat on me by a girl.

Speaker 27 Ladies and gentlemen, how about a hand for Riley, ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 23 Go grab a drink at the Betty's somnight, the coolest bar in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 158 And,

Speaker 158 Will, how do you feel?

Speaker 139 Good. Good.

Speaker 123 Wow, you're like a whole different person.

Speaker 145 I feel like I fucked it up pretty bad.

Speaker 21 Explain to us how you think you fucked with it.

Speaker 6 Well, I just...

Speaker 66 You're currently having a herpes outbreak.

Speaker 10 You were all tongue-no-mouth.

Speaker 145 No, I had, I was, uh, well.

Speaker 23 What did you try to do there?

Speaker 142 I didn't really get a

Speaker 142 angle at it.

Speaker 63 Yeah, well, I feel like I went slow.

Speaker 145 Like you said, I kind of grabbed the back of her head. I don't know if that's like game or not.
I don't know if that's cool. Oh, you liked it?

Speaker 9 No, no, it was odd.

Speaker 67 Oh, I thought you said hot.

Speaker 74 That's usually like a little bit into the makeout.

Speaker 91 Maybe you go for like a face or something.

Speaker 119 You had like a...

Speaker 160 Like.

Speaker 122 Yeah. It was.

Speaker 101 Listen, a lot of pressure.

Speaker 132 Yeah.

Speaker 125 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 23 You went against your instincts.

Speaker 26 You didn't sweep the leg.

Speaker 76 You

Speaker 33 went for the back of the head.

Speaker 61 Ladies and gentlemen, you know, normally a first set like that, you'd get a little joke book because you had zero punchlines, but god damn it, you rocked the interview.

Speaker 22 Thank you.

Speaker 159 I love your style. Thank you.

Speaker 110 And you have a lot of work to do.

Speaker 15 So here's a big joke book from the great bones eye.

Speaker 37 There goes Willak.

Speaker 15 And like that, the show has begun.

Speaker 13 This is Kill Tony.

Speaker 159 Your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to meet them all together.

Speaker 143 Make some noise for Luke Stam, everybody.

Speaker 109 60 seconds uninterrupted for Luke Stam.

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Speaker 163 Alert your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition.

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Speaker 163 Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lugarix disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects.

Speaker 139 Why wait?

Speaker 158 Ask your doctor, visit BotoxchronicMigraine.com, or call 1-800-44-Botox to learn more.

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Speaker 152 I found out that Helen Keller's father was a captain of the Confederate Army. So I guess that bitch got what she had coming.

Speaker 152 Because if she could speak, she certainly would have said the N-word entirely too much.

Speaker 152 Then again, I'm not sure she had the capacity to be racist because she was also blind. So everybody was black to her.

Speaker 152 The fucking horrors.

Speaker 152 Listen, I think you should be able to say all the slurs. We're just having fun.
We're just goofing around.

Speaker 152 But there is one slur you should never say, and that's the n-word because if you do say it and you're not supposed to they're gonna start acting like one

Speaker 152 and we don't need that kind of crime in our communities

Speaker 152 i found out that the microwave oven was invented october 15th 1945

Speaker 152 that was a fucking close one

Speaker 152 World War II ended a month prior.

Speaker 101 I'm just glad that housewives caught on to the microwave before Hitler did.

Speaker 152 Because the only thing worse than a quicker genocide is one that's still cold in the center when you're done with it.

Speaker 68 Wow.

Speaker 147 Luke Stam coming in hot.

Speaker 42 Very good, my friend.

Speaker 119 How's it going?

Speaker 33 Really good.

Speaker 28 Thank you for asking, Luke.

Speaker 119 Welcome, Luis Che Gomez.

Speaker 75 Would you like to join the Legion of Skanks?

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 33 There you go.

Speaker 75 You could just be one of us, dude.

Speaker 48 There it is, the four horsemen.

Speaker 26 Big Jay, what do you think of this guy's performance?

Speaker 29 It was great.

Speaker 73 And I got to say,

Speaker 73 with the angle I was watching it from, this light right here was cascading off of his forearm.

Speaker 88 And I know this fear.

Speaker 100 When he knows he's going for a joke,

Speaker 68 that balls out.

Speaker 154 And it went over, all the hairs in his arm just raised up.

Speaker 10 Like a cat. He was like, yes.

Speaker 152 It's like banging heroin telling jokes like that because you don't know if it's going to work well or not.

Speaker 75 I wish your mustache would have straightened.

Speaker 152 Fuck yeah, me too.

Speaker 27 Absolutely incredible performance.

Speaker 30 I didn't realize Roseanne got pregnant by Ron Jeremy 30 years ago.

Speaker 56 This is amazing.

Speaker 24 You have quite the style to you, Luke.

Speaker 42 You've been on this show before.

Speaker 139 I remember.

Speaker 152 Oh, yeah, I got on a month ago.

Speaker 104 Yeah. So remind us, what do you do for work?

Speaker 10 How long have you been doing stand-ups?

Speaker 152 What do I do? I do valet. I drive people's cars for a living.
And

Speaker 166 what was the other question I was paying attention to?

Speaker 29 How long have you been doing stand-ups?

Speaker 152 Oh, four years.

Speaker 28 Very good.

Speaker 147 And you live here now?

Speaker 152 Yeah, I live here in Austin.

Speaker 85 I love it.

Speaker 124 All right.

Speaker 106 Well, you were on a month ago.

Speaker 59 We had an interview then. Have you thought back at something that we might find interesting for your interview portion?

Speaker 89 Well, so

Speaker 152 I told you that I was like a cokehead and an alcoholic, but I'm sober now.

Speaker 152 And before the episode came out,

Speaker 101 I called my mother and told her all that.

Speaker 166 And like, that was just the end of that.

Speaker 68 We didn't talk about it again.

Speaker 2 What do you mean?

Speaker 166 Oh, I just told her that I was a coke editor because I was worried that she was going to see it.

Speaker 14 Oh, I thought she was pissed off you quit.

Speaker 82 No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 106 That's what it sounded like. Yeah.

Speaker 148 Okay, so that was the end of that.

Speaker 130 Yeah.

Speaker 112 Okay. It didn't really go anywhere.

Speaker 36 Okay.

Speaker 152 I thought I was like doing a good thing, like, I'm sober now, mom. I love you.

Speaker 107 And then she's like, okay.

Speaker 13 If I ended up being in a bathroom doing cocaine with you, that would would be the literal rock bottom of my life.

Speaker 101 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 152 I think you've done cocaine in a bathroom at me in Colorado.

Speaker 101 Have I done cocaine in it?

Speaker 152 You came to my local club and did it.

Speaker 135 Did I really? Yeah.

Speaker 135 Lewis. Skanks.

Speaker 54 Skanks. Skanks.
Skanks. Skanks.
Skanks. Wow.
Skanks.

Speaker 94 Wow.

Speaker 94 When was this? How long ago was that?

Speaker 152 Like a year or two ago with Aaron Ferris.

Speaker 75 I haven't done cocaine in like three years.

Speaker 75 Which club was this?

Speaker 152 Looney's Comedy Corner.

Speaker 94 Colorado Springs. I've never been to Looney's Comedy Corner.

Speaker 152 You went there with Aaron Berg and Zach Bernard.

Speaker 121 We did tour with Aaron Berg.

Speaker 113 Is that a cannon?

Speaker 118 I love that Lewis is trying to be like, no, I've never couldn't possibly be.

Speaker 23 He's like, you did 17 minutes and 23 seconds.

Speaker 49 Your closing line was, thank you.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 103 I love that Lewis started by saying, if I ever did cocaine with you, that was my rock bottom.

Speaker 118 And then he realized he didn't remember doing cocaine with him.

Speaker 94 This is Lewis's rock bottom right now.

Speaker 159 Holy shit.

Speaker 35 Unbelievable.

Speaker 139 You literally can't make it up.

Speaker 29 That is amazing.

Speaker 36 Wow.

Speaker 66 What's the name of that comedy club?

Speaker 119 Looney's Comedy Corner.

Speaker 89 Where is that?

Speaker 116 It's in Colorado Springs.

Speaker 81 Wow.

Speaker 36 Look at that.

Speaker 152 Colorado Springs where cocaine goes to die.

Speaker 36 Wow.

Speaker 70 Unbelievable.

Speaker 77 I've seen him eat another man's kidney stone, but doing Coke with this guy in a bathroom in Colorado Springs at a place called the Looney Corner really is.

Speaker 74 That is unbelievable that this has been revealed live, technically in front of millions of people.

Speaker 67 Breaking news.

Speaker 159 Lewis has hit rock bottom and survived.

Speaker 53 Years ago, we're finding out in real time,

Speaker 119 thriving. Hit rock bottom, didn't realize it, pressed forward.

Speaker 135 Unbelievable.

Speaker 77 If a Puerto Rican hits rock bottom and no one's there to tell him, did it ever really happen?

Speaker 74 Did you have that mustache that you didn't remember this guy with that mustache?

Speaker 75 Look, when I do cocaine, I do a lot of crazy shit. I don't remember.
I might have fucked this guy.

Speaker 94 I gotta be honest.

Speaker 20 Does it remember something to hold on to?

Speaker 35 Do you remember more about that night?

Speaker 48 Perhaps you can reveal to Lewis, who seems to not have much of a nice name.

Speaker 152 I mean, I don't remember much from the night.

Speaker 123 I was drinking like over a fifth a night for a long time.

Speaker 36 Wow.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 152 All right. We didn't have to make it sad.

Speaker 119 Jesus.

Speaker 82 Fuck.

Speaker 49 I was having a blast.

Speaker 152 It was the time of my life.

Speaker 74 Yeah. The mustache is puzzling me.

Speaker 36 I don't know why.

Speaker 154 I'm obsessed with it.

Speaker 66 It is. Is the mustache wax you have in that?

Speaker 152 Fuck yeah, it's waxed.

Speaker 26 It is wild.

Speaker 58 I can kind of see why it would throw you off, Big J, because it appears to be the only part of his entire body that he takes care of.

Speaker 36 Yeah, it's like,

Speaker 6 but it doesn't look like it's thick enough to do.

Speaker 94 It looks like the hair around cat pussies after they piss.

Speaker 161 It is very strange.

Speaker 104 It is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 58 You have quite the style, Luke Stam.

Speaker 23 A very, very, very, very, very funny set.

Speaker 56 Congratulations.

Speaker 59 An amazing appearance.

Speaker 23 Thank you.

Speaker 12 Hey, I would love to have you open Secret Show Thursday.

Speaker 113 Boil!

Speaker 139 Booked on a real show.

Speaker 54 It just happened.

Speaker 159 You saw it.

Speaker 42 All right, there he goes, Luke Stam.

Speaker 41 You got a joke booked last time, and he's off to the races.

Speaker 42 And now we continue our adventure into Bucket Land, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 61 ladies and gentlemen make some noise for your next comedian Carly Anderson with an uninterrupted minute

Speaker 168 I'm very socially awkward

Speaker 156 it's it's hard especially in the bedroom it's never a good time the other day this guy was giving him the Gluckluck 5000

Speaker 156 the Sloptimus Prime, if you will, sir.

Speaker 68 And

Speaker 156 he started dirty talking with me. He was like, Yeah,

Speaker 6 how's that dick taste?

Speaker 150 Which, first of all, don't ask.

Speaker 156 Don't ask unless you really want to know, okay? And he wanted to know, so I thought I'd give him a restaurant review.

Speaker 156 Yeah, so I hit him with that Gordon Ramsey. I came up for air, and I was like,

Speaker 37 no

Speaker 169 too much cheddar

Speaker 11 back to the kitchen and

Speaker 156 he blocked me so that's it

Speaker 6 all right thank you

Speaker 101 all right Carly Anderson you've been on this show before welcome back yeah what's up how's it going it's going good yeah um did that really happen yeah it did wow it did yeah and it really tasted cheddary or it did it funny No, it actually did.

Speaker 156 It tasted like those cheddar pretzels. You guys ever had?

Speaker 79 Oh, cheese.

Speaker 89 Yeah.

Speaker 36 It tasted delicious.

Speaker 156 One could say that.

Speaker 9 Yeah, that's more of a car ride snack.

Speaker 156 Yeah.

Speaker 88 I only get combos on the road.

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 156 Less salty, more cheesy than I would have preferred.

Speaker 73 If there's ever cheese, and I'll say this as a guy, stop.

Speaker 156 Yeah.

Speaker 88 Don't make make a little quirky joke up in his face.

Speaker 140 Sure, the payoff is great, but at the moment, he should know there's an issue.

Speaker 88 Yeah.

Speaker 156 I mean, he found out, just like in a not very nice way.

Speaker 137 Yeah, you got to stop.

Speaker 107 You should be gone, like, as in Gorg Donzola.

Speaker 44 And I need the number to the Utah Suicide Hotline.

Speaker 49 It happens that quick, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going, you can catch me at the Looney Toon Corner in Colorado Springs.

Speaker 89 That's all it took is one Gorgonzola cheese stick joke for Tony's.

Speaker 24 That's my bottom.

Speaker 27 You've seen, you've heard of Lewis's rock bottom, and you've seen my rock bottom here tonight.

Speaker 22 Carly, you have an, it seems that you seem like the kind of girl that would have an active sex life.

Speaker 46 You tried to, you tried to, you talk about sucking.

Speaker 156 That's actually so flattering for me personally.

Speaker 77 Remember you kind of laying it on thick to, who was it, Theo Vaughan or something, right?

Speaker 6 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 156 No, I'll never live that down, actually. Right.

Speaker 43 People haunt me with that one.

Speaker 107 Yeah, it's happening right now.

Speaker 156 Yeah. Thank you.
I have a boyfriend now, though, so it's just one guy.

Speaker 104 What made you settle down with this guy?

Speaker 156 He's great. He's awesome.
We have very similar interests. Like what?

Speaker 132 Sucking dick.

Speaker 66 Can we guess? Can we guess what the interests are?

Speaker 74 Yeah, let's guess. Oh, finding old books.

Speaker 66 Not shading each other's armpits.

Speaker 36 No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 156 They're shaved, I promise. But no, he has hairs on her armpits stand up when the joke went good.

Speaker 9 She knew she was going for it.

Speaker 156 But he does stand up as well, so we kind of just bonded through that.

Speaker 10 Oh, it's going to work out.

Speaker 119 Yeah. No, it always does.

Speaker 161 Right.

Speaker 48 His jokes as cheesy as his cock.

Speaker 68 No.

Speaker 156 No, he was not the cheddar one. He's a clean gentleman.

Speaker 124 Oh, okay.

Speaker 6 You call that guy your cheddar bae?

Speaker 81 Whoa.

Speaker 31 Let's kill ourselves together.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 59 My goodness, these cheese dick jokes are rough.

Speaker 10 Was he uncircumcised or something back then?

Speaker 156 No, he wasn't.

Speaker 150 That's what's so surprising.

Speaker 127 Cheesy dick.

Speaker 156 Just sweaty and gross.

Speaker 99 Did you just pull it out like aggressively and he came back from the gym or something?

Speaker 156 No, I mean, it was like a late night, so I don't know if it was just a lot of dancing on the dance floor or something.

Speaker 10 What?

Speaker 23 You guys were dancing on the dance floor?

Speaker 156 No, it just was a late night, so I feel like maybe.

Speaker 88 You assume he was probably dancing before he got home?

Speaker 135 I'm just looking for a drink.

Speaker 36 Are you doing dancing all night?

Speaker 60 I'm looking for an explanation.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 131 Yeah.

Speaker 131 Amazing.

Speaker 61 Carly, what do you do for work?

Speaker 156 I am a stripper.

Speaker 10 Oh, wow.

Speaker 82 Wow, that was very quick.

Speaker 27 Red Band knew that somehow.

Speaker 143 Yeah, Red Band, it's a...

Speaker 42 Finger lingering over the cherry pie button.

Speaker 156 It's almost.

Speaker 23 where have you seen this young lady at their little

Speaker 144 look who's playing a little hide and seek over here?

Speaker 156 It's almost like he subscribes to the OnlyFans or something.

Speaker 68 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 14 Man.

Speaker 33 You're on OnlyFans?

Speaker 55 I am.

Speaker 31 What types of things do you do on OnlyFans?

Speaker 55 Not enough. You know, pictures.

Speaker 36 Whoa.

Speaker 14 Whoa.

Speaker 14 Damn! Substreamself, bro!

Speaker 133 Shit.

Speaker 140 A stripper is a funny thing to be when you start by saying, I'm socially awkward.

Speaker 132 Oh, I'm not sure.

Speaker 62 Sorry, he goes, I'm weird about meeting people.

Speaker 156 I don't make very good money with my personality, to be honest with you.

Speaker 154 Sorry if I'm weird with conversation, Split Gash.

Speaker 119 Sorry.

Speaker 91 No, Mike, everything important is down here.

Speaker 142 Oh, God.

Speaker 156 Yeah, I'm very bad at the job.

Speaker 23 So what's on your OnlyFans? What's the type of content that you have?

Speaker 58 This could be a huge money-making opportunity for you to be able to do that.

Speaker 156 Mostly,

Speaker 132 a lot,

Speaker 92 a lot of young men are watching this show

Speaker 85 right now.

Speaker 64 Mostly.

Speaker 100 Some stuff I'm asking for a friend.

Speaker 156 I do customs if you're wondering.

Speaker 156 No, I do a lot of pole dancing videos.

Speaker 156 I take a lot of pride in that. It's actually very hard.

Speaker 75 By the way, guys hate pole dancing.

Speaker 39 We don't give a shit at all about it.

Speaker 66 Okay.

Speaker 75 Yeah, we just want you to lie on the floor and cry.

Speaker 36 Okay.

Speaker 73 Yeah, if you could, while you're getting naked or dildoing yourself, say things like, I have to do this to get my kids back from the government.

Speaker 156 I don't show my vagina on OnlyFans. I won't do that.
No.

Speaker 75 Somewhere in the back, her dad was clapping.

Speaker 143 Yeah.

Speaker 156 I just lost all future subscribers.

Speaker 81 Awesome.

Speaker 156 Yeah. No, I don't.
I don't show my vagina.

Speaker 75 But you might one day subscribe and we'll see.

Speaker 36 Do you hate money?

Speaker 22 What's the craziest thing you've done on your Old Nate fans?

Speaker 59 Like, what's the one where you're like, okay, I'll go to this next level and we'll see how much money I make.

Speaker 156 I had one guy maybe like a year ago that paid me to get on like a Zoom call with him and I just watched him jerk off in like a Zoom meeting.

Speaker 85 Wow.

Speaker 4 It It was Skype, by the way.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 29 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 156 Yeah, and it was small, by the way, too.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 73 Did you just watch? You just watched or just

Speaker 165 watched. I just watched.

Speaker 156 No, I just watched and was like, nice, man.

Speaker 133 Is that good for you?

Speaker 131 That is so interesting to me.

Speaker 58 I don't understand what the what the what the appeal is, right?

Speaker 6 I don't get it.

Speaker 59 It's weird.

Speaker 127 Why would you watching that

Speaker 106 make him excited?

Speaker 78 How lonely of it was his name Will Eck by any chance?

Speaker 133 He's going through something.

Speaker 156 No, no, his name was Brian Redband.

Speaker 81 There you go. There you go.

Speaker 170 There's no vagina. You might like it, Tony.

Speaker 27 Oh, my goodness. That's right.

Speaker 65 That is true.

Speaker 143 Red man.

Speaker 109 Red man.

Speaker 139 Settle down.

Speaker 29 Settle down.

Speaker 85 Settle down.

Speaker 85 All right, wow.

Speaker 156 I've got a strap on if you want me to put it on for you.

Speaker 121 Oh my god, what is happening?

Speaker 24 How much would that cost exactly?

Speaker 156 For you, too, Grand.

Speaker 72 Whoa.

Speaker 149 All right.

Speaker 26 Good news is you're going to a Spurs game with a lonely boy.

Speaker 108 Lonely boy.

Speaker 8 Obviously, I would love to have you on the secret show, Thursday.

Speaker 81 Oh, great.

Speaker 42 Obviously, I would love to have you on the secret show.

Speaker 5 Great.

Speaker 36 All right.

Speaker 61 Carly, great stuff. You already have a joke, Book.

Speaker 6 You're doing.

Speaker 32 You just made a bunch of money on OnlyFans.

Speaker 123 Cool. Congratulations.
Thank you.

Speaker 139 There she goes.

Speaker 126 Carly Anderson, everybody.

Speaker 23 Vaginaless OnlyFans.

Speaker 58 What a dream.

Speaker 33 All right.

Speaker 61 Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that time to where it is indeed time for a regular. A brand new minute from somebody that you have watched absolutely thrive.

Speaker 49 One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

Speaker 102 Make some noise for the great and powerful.

Speaker 54 Cam Patterson, everybody.

Speaker 151 I love you two white bitch.

Speaker 132 This is good.

Speaker 151 I was just in Redden, Pennsylvania. That place is terrible.
Don't woo for that. Don't woo for that.
That place is god-awful, nigga. I hate that place so much.

Speaker 151 It reminded me, like, if the Civil War went through there, and they were like, we don't got to build no more.

Speaker 63 It's over.

Speaker 151 They stopped building. That place was terrible.
That joke didn't go well. All right.
Next joke.

Speaker 151 I seen the Amish. Now, listen, I know I talked about wanting to fuck an Amish last time, and I really, I really did.
I wanted to fuck one for real. I really wanted to.
And then I went up close.

Speaker 151 I went to like an Amish farm for real. And I'm going to tell you something.
They ugly as fuck.

Speaker 172 They hideous, dog.

Speaker 151 They all look like they inbred.

Speaker 151 It didn't look good at all. It was pretty terrible.
The Amish guy that was doing this, like the he was taking us on the tour.

Speaker 151 He um, the only other black guy that was on the tour was um was Marshawn Lynch.

Speaker 151 And he kept calling him OJ Simpson for some reason. And that was fucking crazy.
And I asked him, I said, hey, man, have there been any other black people here that's been like Amish?

Speaker 151 And then he just went, well, a girl got raped once.

Speaker 151 That wasn't the answer I was looking for at all.

Speaker 151 Well, that was lackluster.

Speaker 64 I'm done.

Speaker 130 Cam Patterson

Speaker 143 with another new minute.

Speaker 58 Out there doing the road, middle of Pennsylvania.

Speaker 23 I missed a FaceTime from you on Saturday night.

Speaker 30 I was on the field at a Longhorns game.

Speaker 78 It was an absolute fucking blast.

Speaker 23 My first one.

Speaker 90 Gonna be doing that a lot.

Speaker 64 Hell yeah.

Speaker 128 And missed a shit ton of phone calls.

Speaker 38 One of them, the rare FaceTime from Cam Patterson.

Speaker 104 And then I make it to my messages, and there's tons of pictures with you you and everybody dressed up as Amish.

Speaker 23 What went down exactly?

Speaker 58 We haven't gotten a catch up since then.

Speaker 64 We went to like Amish Farm for real.

Speaker 151 We went there and we've seen the Amish. I was like, I want to dress like one for the show tonight.
So I did. But Jolly kept calling us pilgrims.
And that's not the same thing at all.

Speaker 151 Like, nigga, we pilgrims now. I don't think that's it at all.
And the funny thing was, we dressed at the Amish and everybody did it. Everybody did Jessici or Hans.
We all just Amish.

Speaker 151 And me and Jolly, we just looked like slaves. So that wasn't, that didn't look, that wasn't a good look at all.
We looked kind of terrible. I was like, wait a fucking minute, dog.

Speaker 151 So fucking, don't do that, Red Man.

Speaker 134 Don't fucking do that.

Speaker 151 It was bad. It was not, it didn't, it wasn't a good look for us as a group, as a community.
It would look really bad.

Speaker 89 It is true.

Speaker 28 You guys looked slave-asque indeed.

Speaker 151 Yeah, we did.

Speaker 31 And then I saw Jetsky Johnson in the picture, and I'm like, oh, okay, they must be all right.

Speaker 55 Yeah, that's true, you guys went all Amish for that.

Speaker 119 Did it go over with the crowd?

Speaker 10 They lied it.

Speaker 101 They fucked with it. Yeah, because

Speaker 151 right by the amish and shit yeah it's kind of crazy dog they just like living their lives like fucking retards it's pretty crazy yeah we don't like electricity that's fucking stupid dog yeah the dude like what's that look he kept calling my phone a magic box that was gay i was pretty stupid he kept calling it i like this guy's retarded dog oh yeah this pretty dumb i hate the amish now dog And they'll never see this.

Speaker 151 Who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 66 They don't have phones.

Speaker 143 You can make fun of the Amish all you want.

Speaker 61 It is the only group of people that cannot cancel you.

Speaker 151 They will never see it. They can't.
They'll never know.

Speaker 29 Fuck them. No idea.

Speaker 151 Yeah, fuck the Amish, man. They are ugly as fuck.
You notice that?

Speaker 69 They ugly as shit. It is true.

Speaker 39 Famously ugly.

Speaker 151 They ugly as fuck, dog.

Speaker 26 Smell. You ever seen Kingpin?

Speaker 151 What that is?

Speaker 24 It's a great.

Speaker 38 Let me explain exactly what that is.

Speaker 22 That it's one of the funniest, most underrated movies of all time.

Speaker 119 Oh, oh!

Speaker 93 The Fairleigh Brothers, Woody Harrelson, Bill Murray.

Speaker 43 It's a bowling movie, but it's largely shaped around the Amish community and how ugly the people are.

Speaker 64 Nah, they look terrible.

Speaker 29 And the men, frightening group of people.

Speaker 132 Yeah, they look horrible, dog.

Speaker 13 It's pretty crazy.

Speaker 134 Yeah.

Speaker 151 Hey, why y'all just bring a beautiful white bitch out to kiss these fucking retards, dog?

Speaker 64 Why can't I kiss a beautiful white bitch?

Speaker 151 That made me upset. I thought about that for a second.

Speaker 26 You need it it on the show as well the rest of your life.

Speaker 94 Oh, no, not really.

Speaker 64 Isn't good enough. No, not really.

Speaker 151 I just wanted to say that.

Speaker 126 No, I know. Okay.

Speaker 100 Cam, I really, you look like Puffy's mugshot.

Speaker 6 Don't do that.

Speaker 151 Don't do that.

Speaker 134 Wait a minute. Do not do that.

Speaker 134 Do not do that.

Speaker 151 I do not own baby oil. Leave me alone.

Speaker 19 No.

Speaker 6 I'm cutting my hair off. It's over.

Speaker 26 No, it's good.

Speaker 21 Would you, uh, what's the craziest party you've ever been to?

Speaker 26 You've been invited to some wild things, right?

Speaker 151 Yeah, that part I went to got shot up, a nigga died.

Speaker 86 Oh, ah, well,

Speaker 111 ookie-dookie.

Speaker 24 It's a tricky show.

Speaker 102 I know exactly what answers you're going to get.

Speaker 151 All of a sudden, I think you knew I was going to say that.

Speaker 151 Somebody died in the last part I went to. It's funny, too.
I dapped a killer up before he did it.

Speaker 36 Wait, what?

Speaker 64 I dapped him up before he killed a guy. Yeah.

Speaker 61 You dapped up the killer?

Speaker 111 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 63 Who's Who's on the same basketball team?

Speaker 50 That sounds like a racial stereotype.

Speaker 64 Oh, no, no, no. He was white.
He was white.

Speaker 123 He was white?

Speaker 36 The shooter was white?

Speaker 119 Yeah.

Speaker 29 Oh, wow.

Speaker 30 It must have been a, what, like a rifle?

Speaker 151 Nah, he was.

Speaker 103 Was your party in a school?

Speaker 57 Was it weird seeing a guy shoot somebody properly holding the gun?

Speaker 144 you must have all you guys must have been like why is he holding it sideways

Speaker 26 big Jay what do you think about all this chaos

Speaker 175 why come you was in Amish country what

Speaker 175 why come you was in amish country?

Speaker 63 This is how I sound to people?

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 140 Why am you was.

Speaker 11 What are you trying to say to me right now?

Speaker 175 In Amish country?

Speaker 136 Lewis, how do I tell him?

Speaker 6 He wants to know what you is be doing in the Amish country.

Speaker 121 Oh!

Speaker 121 Baking soda!

Speaker 151 Well, no.

Speaker 151 Before I went, I was trying to find one to fuck. And then

Speaker 151 I seen him. I was like, I don't want to fuck none of these bitches.

Speaker 19 No, no, not even the story on that one.

Speaker 151 Nah, not even when it wouldn't have been a good time.

Speaker 73 Those sense memories will last forever.

Speaker 64 I will tell you, it was one on, yeah, one on. She was like, she had there like Ron Springer or some shit, and she'll run like the whole shit.

Speaker 121 What?

Speaker 137 She had there Ron Springer.

Speaker 119 What?

Speaker 9 Ron Springer.

Speaker 6 Where they could do whatever they want.

Speaker 151 Yeah,

Speaker 151 they let them leave and figure out what the world is. And they come back, they're cool.

Speaker 133 Oh.

Speaker 151 But this bitch left, and then she just kept leaving.

Speaker 136 She was gone.

Speaker 151 She was just gone. But if she came back, start like the little buggy shit that we did.
And she had a fat ass.

Speaker 64 So

Speaker 63 I see why she left. You understand?

Speaker 149 Okay.

Speaker 101 Yep.

Speaker 60 All right. And I'm a girl with a fat ass.

Speaker 141 Yeah.

Speaker 9 That's what happens.

Speaker 60 Lugging wood around and building barns and stuff.

Speaker 68 Homemade butter.

Speaker 37 Yeah.

Speaker 127 Absolutely.

Speaker 21 Wow. So you were in Redding, Pennsylvania.

Speaker 31 Where else?

Speaker 64 In

Speaker 79 Virginia?

Speaker 151 Yeah, Virginia, yeah, Richmond. Okay.
Yeah, who's in Richmond?

Speaker 106 Were Martin's parents there by any chance?

Speaker 9 They from Richmond?

Speaker 29 They're from Virginia. For it.

Speaker 81 Which part? Yeah.

Speaker 66 Oh, I ain't see that.

Speaker 64 I ain't somebody walking around like this.

Speaker 151 I ain't see nobody like that at the show.

Speaker 151 I did not.

Speaker 131 Amazing.

Speaker 68 Amazing.

Speaker 36 That shit is fun. That's what's going on.

Speaker 31 We're ramping up for Vegas this week.

Speaker 28 Hell yeah.

Speaker 43 Excited about that.

Speaker 63 Yeah, I'm excited.

Speaker 64 That's gonna be fun.

Speaker 26 What do you like to do in Vegas?

Speaker 64 I don't do shit, man.

Speaker 151 I like to watch my grandma gamble because she gives me her winners and shit.

Speaker 151 Every time my grandma wins, she gives me the money. So I'll be like, I like that shit.
That shit be cool.

Speaker 119 What?

Speaker 151 Every time my grandma wins and she gambled in Vegas, she gave me the money and shit.

Speaker 103 How dare you disrespect the woman who I'm assuming raised him?

Speaker 4 She did.

Speaker 6 You're not wrong, brother.

Speaker 140 These people know is know what be being.

Speaker 100 Girl, you're fucking doing that.

Speaker 100 Y'all ain't even fucking be knowing.

Speaker 36 Shit.

Speaker 72 No cap.

Speaker 145 I'm on Steve, nigga.

Speaker 77 You ever do an impression of how white people talk?

Speaker 31 What would that sound like if you did that?

Speaker 28 Get us back.

Speaker 69 Strike us down with your dark energies.

Speaker 151 Hello, brother.

Speaker 160 What the fuck?

Speaker 151 Hello, a fellow white man.

Speaker 73 Here's a 25% tip.

Speaker 68 See?

Speaker 40 Cam Patterson, the legend, we love him, you know him, he did it again.

Speaker 125 Another new minute, another great interview.

Speaker 17 Pure charisma, star power, it's all going down.

Speaker 168 Honey punches the votes is the forma perfecto depends on the account familia. Conoju las crucientes and

Speaker 168 los miños les encantas. Ademas delicios trosos de grandola, nuces y fruta que todos vana dis brutal.
Honey punches a votes for allos. Today the benefit.

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Speaker 32 All right, Back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 21 You guys still having fun out there?

Speaker 15 Here we go.

Speaker 47 Make some noise for your next comedian.

Speaker 64 60 seconds from your boy Cheech.

Speaker 64 Your boy

Speaker 19 Cheech.

Speaker 113 Yeah.

Speaker 155 Fucking, so I've been to so many music festivals and

Speaker 172 I'm telling you this.

Speaker 63 I've done so many whippets.

Speaker 177 I have uh gained control of my mustache hairs, guys.

Speaker 6 I am Dr. Zoidberg up this bitch,

Speaker 66 yeah.

Speaker 151 Um, so anyway, uh

Speaker 101 uh anyway, anyway, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 68 Um,

Speaker 177 let me get through my fucking set.

Speaker 140 Um, anyway, oh,

Speaker 151 uh, anyway,

Speaker 155 So here's a new personation for you so this is uh fucking hell's kitchen if uh

Speaker 172 Smeagol was Gordon Ramsey.

Speaker 63 I brought the taters for you sir

Speaker 68 Taters

Speaker 135 where do you

Speaker 135 sir?

Speaker 126 All right, the bear was eager to come out on that one

Speaker 33 Ya boy,

Speaker 76 Cheech.

Speaker 78 When your boy is written into the actual name of the character, you can almost tell.

Speaker 95 Right?

Speaker 49 It's almost like, well, they'll like this because I'm telling them that I'm their boy.

Speaker 59 But nobody, I think, wants to claim you, Cheech.

Speaker 177 I know.

Speaker 167 Here you are. Wow.

Speaker 26 That's as bad as it gets if you're wondering.

Speaker 38 You lost place of your set.

Speaker 26 You didn't know what to do next.

Speaker 79 So you started repeating back noises and things that you were hearing.

Speaker 36 Yeah.

Speaker 101 No, it was bad.

Speaker 72 It was totally.

Speaker 78 You panicked.

Speaker 22 You scrambled there.

Speaker 130 Totally.

Speaker 139 Yes. Absolutely.

Speaker 31 How long have you been doing stand-up for, you

Speaker 72 know? Three years. Where at?

Speaker 155 So

Speaker 155 for the past 11 months, I've been going city to city.

Speaker 61 City to city.

Speaker 133 Yes. Okay.

Speaker 177 And yeah, I panicked.

Speaker 9 Yeah. For sure.
So.

Speaker 148 When you go city to city, who's booking these shows?

Speaker 177 How are you? No, no, I've been doing open mics.

Speaker 59 Well, why would you do do open mic city to city instead of just staying in one place and doing an open mic that's just as open as all the other mics because i've

Speaker 155 i've had a hard life and i wanted to fulfill like uh my dream again because i was a musician beforehand yeah dude you rule and i'm gonna tell you why i'm saying that This guy's got Kai the fucking hatchet guy vibes and

Speaker 7 he's gonna come for us one by one. He's gonna be Xing off our faces in a picture that the four of us took together backstage

Speaker 37 you hear that

Speaker 4 whoa

Speaker 119 whoa now I'm good at reading people dude you're great dude you fucking rule

Speaker 172 thanks dude Thank you so much.

Speaker 56 Yeah, boy, Cheech, let's talk about it.

Speaker 48 You made a real point to say that you had a hard life.

Speaker 56 I'm interested to hear.

Speaker 31 Explain to us, what was so hard about your life?

Speaker 177 Growing up very poor.

Speaker 118 You're going to have to do my best to do that.

Speaker 177 My dad was a drug addict.

Speaker 77 I was raised in a lower-middle-class family.

Speaker 88 Man, man, man, man, man. Yeah.

Speaker 80 You can do better than poor.

Speaker 44 What's so hard about your life?

Speaker 6 Abuse.

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 177 What kind?

Speaker 177 My dad was a drug addict and a very hard drinker.

Speaker 36 Okay.

Speaker 177 And so, like, he would come home and, yeah, he would.

Speaker 91 Dude, did he hit you or fuck you?

Speaker 10 Do it.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 120 I know, but the pauses are long.

Speaker 113 The pauses are long.

Speaker 63 The pauses are long.

Speaker 177 But yeah, my dad would come home and I would have to hide my brothers from

Speaker 177 my dad.

Speaker 94 What was he doing to you guys?

Speaker 63 Oh, just hit him.

Speaker 135 Oh, thank God.

Speaker 154 We thought he was fucking you.

Speaker 66 No.

Speaker 94 It's your fault. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 172 That was somebody else.

Speaker 21 So closed fist hitting?

Speaker 174 Yeah.

Speaker 59 Were you guys misbehaving or something like that?

Speaker 51 Or was he just kind of angry?

Speaker 123 Was it your fault?

Speaker 120 Maybe someone would think that it was misbehaving.

Speaker 142 You could act for him?

Speaker 89 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 74 I mean, what was going on?

Speaker 134 Have punchlines, you dumb piece of shit.

Speaker 134 Nah, dad, you can just crazy giggle your way through it.

Speaker 134 It's what your mother said before I put her six feet down.

Speaker 74 None is as funny.

Speaker 21 So let's jump into it.

Speaker 94 Was your mom there?

Speaker 123 Did your mom help raise your hand?

Speaker 177 Oh, yeah, she was there, but you know,

Speaker 177 when everything is tough, you know.

Speaker 57 How long did she stay with your dad, the whole time?

Speaker 177 Until I was 14, and then she married someone else.

Speaker 107 She just went straight from your dad, right?

Speaker 155 Yeah, someone else who was abusive.

Speaker 96 Oh, my goodness gracious.

Speaker 123 Oh, yeah, I know.

Speaker 43 Talk about after that, after you became an adult and you had a choice to either be a victim your entire life or thrive.

Speaker 101 Oh, dude, I've lived my life.

Speaker 28 Okay, tell us about that.

Speaker 6 I was doing music.

Speaker 36 I did metal.

Speaker 177 What did you do? I did metal music.

Speaker 6 No, don't, Red Band.

Speaker 36 What did you do with metal music?

Speaker 177 Yeah, no, it's fucking

Speaker 142 metal to me over here.

Speaker 49 Listen, yes, I'm looking.

Speaker 22 What did you do with metal music?

Speaker 63 Oh, I was a vocalist.

Speaker 76 Like, oh,

Speaker 63 like, fucking death core. Death core, grindcore.

Speaker 141 Okay.

Speaker 86 I'm just going to get rid of you.

Speaker 76 And

Speaker 23 you can sign up again some other time.

Speaker 143 I don't like the vibes of this thing at all.

Speaker 32 It's all weird.

Speaker 23 It's okay. Sign up again.

Speaker 41 Next time, prepare. Take your time.

Speaker 144 Three years of experience.

Speaker 74 Dude, you're the shit, man. You're so fucking cool.

Speaker 154 That guy rules.

Speaker 126 We're going to keep him moving along.

Speaker 167 Your next bucket pull.

Speaker 61 Make some noise for Selena Vabaez. Selena Vabaez.

Speaker 156 What the fuck is up, Texas? I'm a Mexican from Alabama that doesn't speak Spanish. Let's fucking go.

Speaker 156 Hell yeah. I wore the shirt so you guys would pay attention to me.

Speaker 156 As a bigger girl, what I don't wear is, though, is animal print. I fucking refuse to wear animal print.

Speaker 156 And I'm going to tell you why. If you're going to wear animal print, let's not be the same size

Speaker 156 as the animal

Speaker 156 that you're wearing.

Speaker 156 Super fucking confusing. I live in Florida.
Fuck Florida.

Speaker 156 Hell yeah. I fucking hate Disney though.
I hate Disney so much. And it's not because of all the gay shit.
I hate Disney

Speaker 156 because of the cultural misguidance in their fucking movies, right? I'm a Mexican. We should have been the little mermaid.
She shouldn't have been black. We're the original wetbacks, motherfuckers.

Speaker 102 Thank you guys so much.

Speaker 36 Hell yeah.

Speaker 55 Selena vibias, am I saying that right?

Speaker 156 You bias. Like Mexican.

Speaker 141 Yeah.

Speaker 122 Okay, you be biased.

Speaker 156 You bias.

Speaker 122 Yep. Yeah.

Speaker 124 Okay, great. Yeah.

Speaker 156 Welcome, welcome. Thank you so much.

Speaker 55 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 156 I have been doing stand-up for a year and six months now.

Speaker 37 Fantastic.

Speaker 35 I love it.

Speaker 36 Thank you.

Speaker 149 Where at?

Speaker 156 In Melbourne, Florida.

Speaker 36 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 55 I didn't realize the panhandle was a frying panhandle.

Speaker 74 That's where the first ever Kill Tony regular Kim Congdon is from. That's her hometown.

Speaker 161 That is correct.

Speaker 156 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 135 Look at that.

Speaker 171 Kim cogden and uh the fat version of her

Speaker 156 amazing what do you do for work selena i uh give facials for a living actually

Speaker 156 wow yeah look at that a squirter nice it's not an only fans not an only fans i'm a licensed esthetician so skincare

Speaker 57 amazing yeah yeah amazing i love it very funny i love the self-deprecating stuff very good thank you amazing tell us more about your life.

Speaker 107 What have you been doing?

Speaker 156 You know, I'm trying to get my green card, so I'm dating a white dude with autism. So.

Speaker 22 Wait, you're really not an American citizen?

Speaker 156 No, I'm just fucking with you. I am.
Hell yeah.

Speaker 156 I love Trump. I'd suck his dick like there was a Zepic in it for sure.

Speaker 141 Okay.

Speaker 18 Wow.

Speaker 89 This is

Speaker 58 something we can agree on.

Speaker 71 Amazing stuff.

Speaker 149 Yeah.

Speaker 100 You just like him because he can't build a wall big enough for you.

Speaker 32 And if he did, you would bust through it like the Kool-Aid guy.

Speaker 156 Yeah. Trump's wall hates to see me coming.
There's no way. It doesn't stand a chance.

Speaker 146 That's right.

Speaker 38 That's right.

Speaker 27 And you look like you've been eating some cats and some dogs.

Speaker 36 Oh, fuck yeah.

Speaker 149 Oh, my God.

Speaker 36 Red pan.

Speaker 75 Tony, I want to say,

Speaker 75 a year and a half, you have a great stage presence, great confidence.

Speaker 104 Like, seriously, like,

Speaker 81 I was very impressed.

Speaker 89 It really is. Thank you.

Speaker 75 What, Jay? She has nice tits.

Speaker 135 Leave me alone. No, no, no.

Speaker 9 I'm not saying that.

Speaker 73 It was just, that was such a guilty feeling.

Speaker 14 It was like, hey, you're fat, but seriously,

Speaker 123 you have.

Speaker 75 No, she really does. I should say.
Yes. We don't just trash them, I think.

Speaker 156 Thank you. They're natural.
Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

Speaker 27 That is amazing.

Speaker 90 They are natural.

Speaker 156 I can't afford fake tets, so I ate my way here.

Speaker 27 That's amazing.

Speaker 102 I love it.

Speaker 40 What are some of your foods of choice?

Speaker 19 How do you get?

Speaker 156 Honestly, mac and cheese is the shit, dude.

Speaker 36 Wow, look at that.

Speaker 109 Red Band.

Speaker 144 Red Band's about to invite you to the secret show.

Speaker 15 You keep talking about mac and cheese like that.

Speaker 33 You're about to make it, girl.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 86 I love it.

Speaker 170 Mac and cheese.

Speaker 156 Yeah, amazing. Craft mac and cheese, powder shit.

Speaker 68 Fuck

Speaker 123 hell yeah.

Speaker 68 That is garbage.

Speaker 156 Yeah, you know, you're a fat ass when that shit's good to you.

Speaker 119 What's your love life like?

Speaker 80 What kind of guys are you into?

Speaker 25 What'd you say? I'm so sorry.

Speaker 26 What kind of guys are you into?

Speaker 156 Um, white dudes with autism that dude, jiu-jitsu. That's my shit.
Yeah. Whoa, fuck yeah, that's what I'm into.

Speaker 123 Specific.

Speaker 36 Two out of three.

Speaker 157 My goodness, so close.

Speaker 77 Amazing. And you found a white dude.

Speaker 156 I sure as fuck did, who is white, bald, does jiu-jitsu, and has severe autism.

Speaker 113 Severe?

Speaker 21 What kind of autism is it?

Speaker 156 Like, what's his way of doing it? Like, he's almost non-verbal autistic. Yeah.

Speaker 149 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 58 And you just trained him to fuck.

Speaker 156 Exactly.

Speaker 67 Precisely.

Speaker 36 Wow.

Speaker 73 Can you legally teach jiu-jitsu to someone with retard strength?

Speaker 9 Yeah, that is dangerous.

Speaker 21 Does he have any special moves in the bedroom that you adore? This autistic?

Speaker 156 Yeah, he likes to put me in like an arm bar when he's fucking me, and I'm kind of into it, honestly.

Speaker 88 Does he count every pussy lick?

Speaker 154 One,

Speaker 36 two, eh, three, eh, four.

Speaker 136 You're 62 comes.

Speaker 96 That is amazing.

Speaker 26 Selena, what else?

Speaker 31 You have any hobbies or anything like that?

Speaker 156 Hobbies. I like to steal from Walmart.

Speaker 14 Whoa.

Speaker 14 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 68 Fuck Walmart.

Speaker 23 Which department?

Speaker 104 I know it's not the produce department.

Speaker 53 What are you targeting at Walmart exactly?

Speaker 156 No, yeah, I got arrested for stealing from Walmart because I stole the movie Mid-Somar on Blu-ray DVD.

Speaker 156 Whoa.

Speaker 156 So, yeah, I got arrested for that.

Speaker 36 And then they found the baby pool under your jacket.

Speaker 100 No one laughed because it was fat on fat crime.

Speaker 156 yeah exactly i apologize it's fine honestly did you ever get around to watching that movie uh no actually i did not i still haven't seen it i need to watch it it's a great movie yeah yeah

Speaker 36 um

Speaker 36 okay

Speaker 147 very very interesting seleno so what are some of your goals you've been doing it a year and a half you just had a great set here thank you What's next for you?

Speaker 156 I just want to be a fucking comedian, dude. I want to make people laugh.

Speaker 6 I love it.

Speaker 156 This shit was so sick. It feels fucking great.
Today's my birthday, too, dude.

Speaker 82 Whoa, look at that.

Speaker 82 Wow.

Speaker 20 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 156 My 26th excuse for you to eat cake.

Speaker 33 Happy birthday.

Speaker 53 Thank you.

Speaker 59 You are absolutely amazing, Selena.

Speaker 23 I think you have a great future in this if you keep writing jokes like that.

Speaker 167 Thank you.

Speaker 156 I appreciate it.

Speaker 40 There's a big joke book.

Speaker 61 The Kill Tony debut of Selena Ubias, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 7 It's interesting.

Speaker 99 Her name was Selena because I thought she was the woman who killed Selena.

Speaker 61 No, the only shots she took are of insulin.

Speaker 49 We are in pure Mexican mode, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 61 Your next bucket pulls 60 seconds uninterrupted by the name of Hector C. Fuentes.
Hector C. Fuentes.

Speaker 36 I'm bilingual.

Speaker 10 Let me tell y'all something.

Speaker 178 When you're bilingual, you're never going to be perfect at either language. The other day, the homie, he was like, look at that guy with the glasses and the beard.

Speaker 112 That's your doppelganger. I was like, hey, bro, I don't be doing that, bro.

Speaker 10 Hold up.

Speaker 135 Hey.

Speaker 178 he was like, now that's your lookalike.

Speaker 112 I was like, bro, lookalike. Three syllables.
Doppelganger.

Speaker 66 Four syllables.

Speaker 178 Unnecessarily freaky ass word.

Speaker 112 I was in New York, two dudes arguing.

Speaker 178 Only place where this kind of happens.

Speaker 2 One of them was like, Charlie, you're being anti-Semitic.

Speaker 112 And I was like, damn, that couldn't be me.

Speaker 178 I don't retain no semen.

Speaker 112 Yeah, yeah, hold up, hold up.

Speaker 178 If y'all know this,

Speaker 178 if y'all know this, the singing with me, money on the dresser, drive a compressor, top-notch hose, get the most, not the lesser.

Speaker 178 I just learned a compressor was a Mercedes.

Speaker 173 I thought it was a compresora, bro. Like,

Speaker 178 that's my time. Thank y'all so much.

Speaker 49 Hector Cifuentes.

Speaker 109 Hector, how are you, my friend?

Speaker 49 I'm good, man.

Speaker 77 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 178 It's been seven years, man. Wow.
I started here, like in San Marcos, Austin, yeah.

Speaker 50 Okay, San marcos is a different city but yeah that counts seven years how old are you i'm 30 years old man 30 started at 23 very good what do you do for work i'm in uh advertising i work at an ad agency yeah yeah okay advertising and i'm picking up on some urban and like a kind of an urban i'm from dallas baby yeah triple d yeah originally from dallas yes sir yes okay and you hang out with black people no mexicans okay no not everybody, man.

Speaker 178 I went to Duncanville High School. It was all blacks, Mexicans.
We used to fight each other after school, all that.

Speaker 112 It's cool.

Speaker 140 Were you fighting over the battle of who's going to talk like who, and they won?

Speaker 61 That's kind of the point that I'm getting at, is that it seems like you took some of those traits from them.

Speaker 70 Did they beat that into you?

Speaker 10 I've been jumped.

Speaker 142 Yeah.

Speaker 80 Tell us about that.

Speaker 28 Did your glasses break?

Speaker 178 I didn't have glasses back then, but I remember I was like 15 and after school. And if y'all know about this in Dallas,

Speaker 112 and the black people and Mexican people, they used to fight after school.

Speaker 126 And I never was involved with any of that.

Speaker 112 I was a nerd, but then you would get caught up in the mess.

Speaker 19 So boom, boom, boom.

Speaker 81 Yep.

Speaker 75 This kid beat up by Mexicans and blacks?

Speaker 75 You also have a scar on your forehead. You're like the Mexican Harry Potter.

Speaker 66 You really are.

Speaker 112 Yeah, sorry.

Speaker 94 I was off in Dusseldorf when you guys were having that big turf war.

Speaker 60 Dusseldorf.

Speaker 178 I've always started watching Harry Potter.

Speaker 107 I never finished it, bro. I'd never...

Speaker 60 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Don't say it in front of Lewis.

Speaker 100 He's read the entire book series three times.

Speaker 36 That's right.

Speaker 36 Amazing.

Speaker 130 Amazing.

Speaker 59 What else are you into in life? Tell us something interesting about you.

Speaker 178 Man, I'm...

Speaker 178 I just had my show this Saturday in Dallas, and it sold out, man.

Speaker 154 Uh, yeah, that's pretty much it.

Speaker 10 That's cool.

Speaker 21 How about you tell us something fucking interesting about that?

Speaker 178 Oh, I'm uh, yeah, you know, I'm right now. I played uh uh do you do you hufflepuff weed? No, I don't.

Speaker 58 You were about to say something interesting though.

Speaker 98 You played a what?

Speaker 178 No, no, no. I play uh I play soccer.
No, but I was gonna say that I'm uh I'm going to Mexico to help uh uh pick up the the crops that we farmed, like uh beans.

Speaker 31 Wait a second.

Speaker 126 Hold on.

Speaker 2 Full stop.

Speaker 139 Durango.

Speaker 128 You're going to Mexico to help them pick beans?

Speaker 139 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you just said.

Speaker 178 It's called La Cocecha, like you farm. It rained in July, and then now there is about to be that season where you're taking

Speaker 103 you're telling me our economy is so bad that Americans are going to Mexico

Speaker 103 to pick beans.

Speaker 74 I come from farmers, man.

Speaker 66 Do you think Mexicans say that we're taking their jobs when that happens?

Speaker 23 This is all news to me i cannot and of all the things to be picking beans sounds racist to see

Speaker 74 did you listen to some like old racist white guy and he was like go back to mexico and pick the beans

Speaker 101 i was like yeah there's money there like i'm going to durango bro shadow durango but yeah i mean it's it's it ray doesn't rain foreign players tell me what the fuck he just said

Speaker 178 is horchato is that the male sombrero and double bullet belts it's northern mexico and i come from farmers you know and cowboy

Speaker 10 mexico yeah yeah yeah, yeah.

Speaker 89 Okay. Southern Texas.

Speaker 170 Texas.

Speaker 149 Picking beans.

Speaker 73 You come from cowboys, but you're not a cowboy.

Speaker 140 You went to a gangland warfare high school and nerded your way out of it.

Speaker 154 What were you involved in?

Speaker 178 I was a class president, bro.

Speaker 75 You were the class presidente.

Speaker 123 Yeah.

Speaker 123 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 103 Dude, you keep studying like this, and one day you could pick beans in Mexico.

Speaker 111 They pay you for that?

Speaker 133 No, no, it's my family.

Speaker 93 You're doing it for free.

Speaker 178 It's my family's. It's like my grandpa's old.

Speaker 9 What do you tell the ad agency you work at?

Speaker 178 No, I mean, you just PTO, baby.

Speaker 94 I need a little RR picking beans in Mexico.

Speaker 101 That's the most Mexican thing I've ever heard somebody.

Speaker 78 It is exactly my point, is that my mind is blown at the stereotype.

Speaker 36 To work.

Speaker 178 Yeah, man, it's just...

Speaker 152 It's helping the family out.

Speaker 26 If you're paid time off, you're going to Mexico to pick beans.

Speaker 152 I could do remote.

Speaker 35 I could do remote. Yeah.

Speaker 142 I could do it. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 61 Believable.

Speaker 88 Can't you just send your family some money so they don't have to pick beans with?

Speaker 73 You say, let's get somebody else pick the beans.

Speaker 178 You know what? Like, really? It's not even about the money. It's kind of about.

Speaker 123 It's about the love of the game. Yeah, really.

Speaker 142 Yeah, for real.

Speaker 74 Your long-term passion for bean picking.

Speaker 7 Understood.

Speaker 163 Apologies.

Speaker 104 It's for the Instagram pics.

Speaker 178 Bro, you're on a tractor with some boots.

Speaker 135 Wow.

Speaker 6 Shorty's like that shit.

Speaker 140 It was one lady being nice.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 23 Does your whole family go and pick beans?

Speaker 59 I've never heard of anything like this before.

Speaker 26 It's something that you do annually?

Speaker 178 Well, see, it hadn't rained in two years.

Speaker 178 And this July, it rained a lot in northern Mexico.

Speaker 166 So now it's beautiful out there. So, yeah.

Speaker 106 Wow. Except the cartels are.

Speaker 89 Which hasn't been honest.

Speaker 31 It hasn't been raining there, so they've been dry backs for the last two years.

Speaker 154 Dude, I'm saying 90 mule. No.

Speaker 73 It's a drug mule.

Speaker 2 No, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Speaker 178 No mammas.

Speaker 85 Whoa.

Speaker 35 I don't speak Yiddish.

Speaker 88 Whoa. I'm not that kind of Jewish.

Speaker 89 What is going on?

Speaker 2 We don't know what...

Speaker 154 Ah, shit.

Speaker 119 What?

Speaker 178 I really didn't know what anti-Semitic was.

Speaker 178 And I feel like there's not a lot of Jewish community here, so I've been learning more. But yeah, I didn't know I was being offensive with that material to some people, but I still did it tonight.

Speaker 73 Fuck.

Speaker 73 Limited Jews here.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Well.

Speaker 75 Tony, he's trying to save your monetization on YouTube right now.

Speaker 68 Yeah.

Speaker 138 No, it's incredible. It's incredible.

Speaker 7 They do disproportionately control the beans.

Speaker 101 But that's from the vaudeville days.

Speaker 178 Tony, I love the stitching on that vest.

Speaker 178 It is wonderful.

Speaker 26 Thank you.

Speaker 27 It was done by your people, so it's amazing.

Speaker 21 When they're not picking beans, they know how to sew these motherfuckers.

Speaker 111 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 80 Very, very interesting interview

Speaker 128 the set was okay

Speaker 65 thank you but here here's a big joke there you go appreciate it Hector C Fuentes ladies and gentlemen we're gonna keep it moving along here put that mic stam back where you got it from there there you go perfect

Speaker 33 okay

Speaker 126 we're gonna keep it moving along there goes Hector

Speaker 38 There's Heidi.

Speaker 49 All right, your next comedian doing 60 Seconds Uninterrupted goes by the name of Connor Laughrin, everybody.

Speaker 44 Here comes Connor.

Speaker 82 Hey.

Speaker 39 I don't know if you guys can tell by my mustache, but I've been a musician for 17 years.

Speaker 39 As a musician, I got to say I love what heroin's done for music.

Speaker 39 Hate what it's done for taking a nap in the car.

Speaker 39 Like maybe I'm just tired in this Walmart parking lot, dude. Not everything's a tragedy.
I'm sick of being woken up with Narcan

Speaker 39 You see me asleep in my car and you open the door and hear the Lord of the Rings soundtrack, it means I owe D'd on weed. Leave me alone.

Speaker 39 If you hear Alice in chains, maybe go ahead and save me.

Speaker 13 I'm the man with no cock.

Speaker 36 All right, what's

Speaker 39 Never tried heroin. I tell people that and they're like, really? And that hurts my feelings.

Speaker 39 Turns out my vibe is, has tried heroin.

Speaker 39 They're like close, though, because I have tried meth.

Speaker 64 Just once.

Speaker 136 You shouldn't do meth, but if you have to, once is the best number of times.

Speaker 74 I'm Connor Laughan.

Speaker 55 Thanks, guys. There you go.

Speaker 58 Connor offering, everybody.

Speaker 14 Man, it went all right.

Speaker 21 Hi, Connor. This is your first time on the show.
Oh, D-Madness is back, everybody.

Speaker 33 He had to go to Africa to pick cotton.

Speaker 53 He's back doing this ultra, weirdly going back to where you came from to do what you do episode.

Speaker 173 Nice.

Speaker 31 He had to be here for the last guy.

Speaker 56 Connor, this is your first time here, right?

Speaker 36 Yeah, man.

Speaker 71 Okay, by the looks of your face, I'm guessing you've had a hell of a life.

Speaker 32 So let's just jump right into it.

Speaker 39 Let's get after it.

Speaker 27 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 39 Six years.

Speaker 139 Where at?

Speaker 39 Cincinnati, Ohio.

Speaker 127 Ooh, Cincinnati, Ohio.

Speaker 72 What do you do for work there?

Speaker 39 Audiovisual, like production shit.

Speaker 31 What is there to do with audiovisual in Cincinnati, Ohio?

Speaker 39 Not a ton. That's why I moved here.

Speaker 107 So now you live here? Yes, indeed. How long have you lived here?

Speaker 39 Two weeks.

Speaker 31 Okay. What's your living situation?

Speaker 39 I got an apartment in Travis Heights.

Speaker 43 Okay. By yourself?

Speaker 28 Yeah, one bedroom.

Speaker 147 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 104 So how are you affording that?

Speaker 58 You saved up money?

Speaker 39 I work for the AV department at one of the hotels downtown.

Speaker 107 Nice. Yeah.
Cool.

Speaker 84 What else about you, Connor?

Speaker 31 You've been doing this six years in Cincinnati.

Speaker 22 Now you live in the new comedy capital of the world.

Speaker 138 What's your plan of attack here?

Speaker 39 Get after it as much as possible.

Speaker 76 Right.

Speaker 39 Actually, fun fact, for Cincinnati at the Liberty Funny Bone, my first guest spot ever was for this guy right here, Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 119 Wow, look at that.

Speaker 75 Liberty, did you do cocaine with him in the green room?

Speaker 75 Say yes.

Speaker 39 I asked him a couple times and he was annoyed about it, though.

Speaker 9 Pussy.

Speaker 119 Liberty, Liberty, Ohio?

Speaker 36 Sorry? Liberty, Ohio.

Speaker 106 Yes, sir, the very same.

Speaker 39 Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was the shit.

Speaker 75 How long have you had a debilitating alcohol problem?

Speaker 88 Whoa, on the nose?

Speaker 6 Your ears get weird.

Speaker 122 No, I.

Speaker 39 I actually kind of got on top of it before coming here. I was like, I don't need that, too.

Speaker 39 Financially, it would be a nightmare. So I've been not boozing just in case I get on this show.

Speaker 149 There you go.

Speaker 86 And here you are.

Speaker 21 So you've seen this show before, Connor.

Speaker 29 You know how it works.

Speaker 125 Yes, sir.

Speaker 31 You're in that interview part where, you know, if you give us something interesting about your life, it would be what makes you different.

Speaker 39 I can play the guitar like a motherfucker.

Speaker 72 Can you really?

Speaker 75 Yeah.

Speaker 35 Like a motherfucker?

Speaker 10 Like a motherfucker.

Speaker 53 Well, we have a Kill Tony guitar.

Speaker 23 Can we get that thing started to plugged in?

Speaker 152 We don't have it now?

Speaker 51 What does that mean? Why would you say that?

Speaker 166 Because he left it at home.

Speaker 51 Is that true?

Speaker 51 is that true matt

Speaker 57 why don't we leave it here since it's the guitar for the show

Speaker 39 there you go jesus christ if i may mr muelling i promise i'll play it better than any bucket pull that's ever come on this show wow he is guaranteeing

Speaker 21 and with no hesitate i've never seen matt so eager to share his

Speaker 61 no i'm not This is absolutely unbelievable.

Speaker 12 I just owe everybody.

Speaker 58 It appears as though Connor has been practicing deep in the dark, dark, depressing hole of Cincinnati, Ohio.

Speaker 27 Not to be confused with any of the other cities in Ohio.

Speaker 131 Cincinnati is an absolute depressing death trap.

Speaker 89 It's a bitch.

Speaker 39 Go Bananas is cool, but I got banned.

Speaker 77 Wow, how'd you get banned from GoBananas?

Speaker 39 It was a disagreement between me and management. They thought none of their walls should have holes in them, and I was like, there's the one should have a hole punched in it.

Speaker 85 Yeah.

Speaker 36 Never like that.

Speaker 6 Do you mind if I adjust your strap, Matt?

Speaker 36 Thank you. Yeah.

Speaker 72 Oh, well, too late.

Speaker 61 He did it.

Speaker 37 I'm gonna play it like a Connor.

Speaker 10 Everyone's watching.

Speaker 26 Are you gonna sing too? Is there anything that in particular? Oh, shit, it landed on D-Man.

Speaker 6 So you're gonna sing?

Speaker 39 I'll do some singing. Boys, let's do some blues and E.

Speaker 93 Whoa, he's calling out the chord.

Speaker 93 All right.

Speaker 93 Hey, now kill tonight.

Speaker 93 I'm all with the legion of skins, yeah.

Speaker 93 hell.

Speaker 93 I'm out with a legion of skates.

Speaker 93 And you're not legit escapes.

Speaker 93 They're gonna tell you who controls

Speaker 93 the bank.

Speaker 93 Bang up your turn.

Speaker 93 I'll rock you, tell me a mess of nothing.

Speaker 93 Wow, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 14 Good Lord Almighty.

Speaker 151 Yeah, buddy.

Speaker 157 Big J.

Speaker 145 I'm sorry about this trap, man.

Speaker 6 Can I say something, dude?

Speaker 10 This light right here,

Speaker 99 the way it was cascading,

Speaker 13 I can see

Speaker 100 four to six pints of spit firing right onto that guy's face.

Speaker 9 Oh, yeah. He had the babysitter.

Speaker 66 And I mean, hosing him down.

Speaker 120 Guys, give it up for my boyfriend.

Speaker 13 Well, he is now, because if you got it, he does too.

Speaker 10 That was awesome. Thank you, dude.

Speaker 120 Thank you.

Speaker 18 Connor Laughrin.

Speaker 18 There it is.

Speaker 159 Back to Papa.

Speaker 71 It goes.

Speaker 55 So, Connor, how do you feel right now?

Speaker 36 A little fat, a little gay.

Speaker 173 Why?

Speaker 122 You say, why? Yeah.

Speaker 43 I'm just hosting a show, buddy.

Speaker 26 There's no...

Speaker 27 No reason for the why. I don't think anyone's ever asked me that before, believe it or not.
11 and a half year history.

Speaker 29 Never gotten a why.

Speaker 25 It was a chance. It's a good chance.
You're in it.

Speaker 149 You're in it.

Speaker 141 Yeah, buddy.

Speaker 104 Connor, give me one more fun fact about your life.

Speaker 38 I should get you out of here on the big guitar solo, but.

Speaker 163 Convicted felon.

Speaker 36 There we go.

Speaker 115 There we go.

Speaker 115 There we go.

Speaker 23 And what was the charge there?

Speaker 39 It was drugs. It wasn't one of the bad ones.

Speaker 36 I'm cool.

Speaker 115 Marijuana?

Speaker 68 No.

Speaker 149 I know how Ohio can be.

Speaker 26 The State Highway Patrol, they're famously stiff.

Speaker 39 It was cocaine, and it wasn't even mine. I know we all say that.

Speaker 36 Yeah. It was mine.

Speaker 12 Thank you.

Speaker 142 No,

Speaker 39 I was getting a ride from a friend of mine after leaving the Liberty Funnybone, and he got pulled over by a mall cop. Mall cop called the real cops.

Speaker 39 Real cop searched the car and found a bag of cocaine. He gave a written statement to those cops saying that I gave him a bag to hide.

Speaker 39 I know. It's like you've...

Speaker 50 Hold on, let's just take it way back.

Speaker 128 He got pulled over by a mall cop and he pulled over and stopped.

Speaker 62 That's literally my bit. Like, I'm betrayed.

Speaker 39 He pulled over for the mall cop. That guy's jurisdiction ends at Dillard's.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 99 Keep driving. We can beat this.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 33 Absolutely amazing.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 88 This guy fucking rules, Tony.

Speaker 106 Yeah, it's incredible.

Speaker 100 Can you.

Speaker 75 If you can get to Vegas this weekend, we'll give you some spots on skank fest Whoa

Speaker 137 Can I shake your hand?

Speaker 75 I'm 100% doggy. Yeah, you're fucking awesome dude.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 40 Look who's going to skank fest this week.

Speaker 54 You just saw it happen live in real time

Speaker 74 Here's the catch

Speaker 73 You can only play guitar solos

Speaker 121 No, y'all your comedy will not be showcased

Speaker 23 Connor congratulations. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe.

Speaker 48 He moved to Austin, Texas two weeks ago.

Speaker 40 Got up.

Speaker 61 We had a guy that landed here at 6 p.m.

Speaker 23 today, Will Eck, and he got on stage.

Speaker 33 This is incredible what's happening. A land of opportunity, the American dream happening live in real time.

Speaker 61 Your next comedian goes by the name of Andrew Packer, everybody.

Speaker 26 Here we go.

Speaker 109 We're flying through it.

Speaker 69 Andrew Packer.

Speaker 86 Here we go.

Speaker 175 Nice.

Speaker 137 I'd like to give you guys a beat just to take this in. I know it's a lot of face coming at you.

Speaker 137 A lot of sharp angles going on.

Speaker 137 Kind of like somebody strapped a triangle to a block.

Speaker 137 I can feel some of you are wondering how it can look like Beavis and Butthead.

Speaker 121 How is it both?

Speaker 137 I know, I got this haircut. I looked in the mirror.

Speaker 173 I was like, oh, we made a decision.

Speaker 137 I'm rolling with it, though. I want to play it to my advantage.
I want to start doing some gentle thievery around town.

Speaker 137 Just as a prank on the police sketch artist.

Speaker 121 Wow.

Speaker 111 Incredible.

Speaker 43 You got me good.

Speaker 26 The way you came out, I thought, holy shit, this guy's not ready for this.

Speaker 33 And I took the bait and fell for it.

Speaker 59 You made fun of yourself the whole time.

Speaker 26 Literally said everything that I was going to say about you.

Speaker 35 I have it.

Speaker 93 Down here.

Speaker 33 Face, sharp angles, B and B.

Speaker 27 I have the notes.

Speaker 93 And then think, think, think, you covered everything.

Speaker 27 Very rarely does that happen.

Speaker 24 You've left me with nothing to say to you.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 47 How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 137 About nine years.

Speaker 97 About nine years.

Speaker 28 My goodness.

Speaker 37 Wow, that is incredible.

Speaker 98 It seems like nine years.

Speaker 146 That was great.

Speaker 59 That was what what a minute looks like if you've been working hard at it for nine years.

Speaker 107 Where have you been doing that at?

Speaker 124 Toronto.

Speaker 111 Oh, you're Canadian.

Speaker 27 Oh, my goodness. I was wondering what the thing was.

Speaker 55 That makes sense.

Speaker 59 God damn. You're like Canada's Theo Vaughan.

Speaker 46 Got a haircut and jokes.

Speaker 78 That's what's going on there.

Speaker 79 Absolutely interesting.

Speaker 106 What do you do for work, Andrew Parker?

Speaker 31 Now, anything, out of all the times I feel like I've asked somebody this, this could really go any fucking way right now.

Speaker 149 It could be anything.

Speaker 16 I'm just a full-time comedian.

Speaker 82 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 85 Wow.

Speaker 97 Look at that.

Speaker 43 How about before that?

Speaker 107 What did you do before that?

Speaker 137 I used to sell coconut water.

Speaker 51 This is a cocaine-heavy episode.

Speaker 95 Is it coconut water or coke?

Speaker 107 No, no, coconut water.

Speaker 137 Keep people high traded. So that's close.

Speaker 125 There we go.

Speaker 119 I don't know why they're being weird, weird, but I'm being honest.

Speaker 136 I thought he said I sell Coke in the water, and I just accepted it.

Speaker 154 It's Canadian.

Speaker 80 Amazing stuff. So you still live in Toronto?

Speaker 138 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's no escaping there.

Speaker 137 I got my visa, though, so I can come down here now.

Speaker 37 Okay.

Speaker 31 Anytime you want.

Speaker 148 How does that work exactly?

Speaker 137 I pay the government a lot of money and then they let me in for three years. That's all the time I have.

Speaker 2 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 98 Three years.

Speaker 128 And how do you plan on spending that?

Speaker 31 All of it here in Austin?

Speaker 31 What's the move here?

Speaker 137 Just New York here, back and forth and go see my wife again.

Speaker 127 Oh, you have a wife up in Canada.

Speaker 167 And you did a, your hands were very far apart when you did that.

Speaker 26 Like, she's a bigger girl?

Speaker 123 You did that? Not at all. Not all.

Speaker 137 The distances. I was looking at the map, like this triangle I have to do.

Speaker 86 Okay.

Speaker 33 How long have you been with your wife?

Speaker 137 For a year, but we just got married a year ago, but we've been together for 13 years.

Speaker 108 13 years.

Speaker 139 People cheering a long time.

Speaker 142 We got some long-term dudes here.

Speaker 26 Very sad people.

Speaker 55 It's like, yay, a long time with the same person.

Speaker 45 How exciting.

Speaker 51 Yes, amazing.

Speaker 61 Some good Christians in the audience here tonight.

Speaker 148 So 13 years, and how do you keep things exciting?

Speaker 58 13 years with the same exact woman.

Speaker 31 explain to us how you do that

Speaker 137 I mean you got to find an awesome person to begin with okay and then I got lucky that I identified that early and then somehow have not fucked it up yet but it's not like I don't know everyone always complains they're like oh like oh one girl only one one left I'm like still a lot of variety to the sex you'll have this guy cheats

Speaker 10 yeah yeah he's on the road overexplaining it's the glory of his wife and it's actually it makes me feel better when I go to bed knowing I've been a good person.

Speaker 73 No, no, no, because I love her and she's the right one, dude.

Speaker 100 Stop overexplaining.

Speaker 73 Now I think it's weird shit you're doing.

Speaker 137 I know that's your perspective. It makes sense.
Like, you don't have two double earrings and believe in love.

Speaker 137 Not in the long term.

Speaker 88 Not in the long term. Not in the long term.
Not in the long term. He's right.

Speaker 103 Jay's long-term girlfriend and his mistress could both have a word with you right now.

Speaker 99 So I've got two ladies in my life that would disagree with you.

Speaker 61 Have you ever come close to cheating?

Speaker 133 No. No.
No.

Speaker 89 Good answer. Rock solid.

Speaker 137 The mullet keeps them at bay, I think.

Speaker 43 That helps.

Speaker 104 Who keeps them at bay?

Speaker 137 The mullet is helping.

Speaker 36 Okay.

Speaker 137 Not Not everybody wants to fuck butt Beavis. I don't think.

Speaker 137 Right.

Speaker 68 I don't think that's high on the list.

Speaker 80 Yeah.

Speaker 30 What else do you do for fun and like hobbies when you're not just doing stand-up?

Speaker 36 Travel. I like traveling a lot.

Speaker 28 Yeah.

Speaker 16 I went to Turkey this year. That was cool.

Speaker 85 Okay.

Speaker 124 What did you do in Turkey?

Speaker 16 Just

Speaker 66 that was quick.

Speaker 107 What did you do in Turkey?

Speaker 137 Turkey was just hanging out on the beach, man. It was weird, though, on the flight there, I was the only guy with hair, so that was weird.

Speaker 135 Come on! Yeah.

Speaker 137 Dudes kept asking who my doctor was. I was like,

Speaker 137 why is every one of you in a bucket hat?

Speaker 89 Amazing.

Speaker 71 What made you pick Turkey of all places?

Speaker 137 My wife's friend, her parents like uh built a home there, so we went to go visit.

Speaker 66 Nice, yeah, you seem like such a wholesome guy.

Speaker 9 I'm a pretty wholesome, dude.

Speaker 107 Do you go to church?

Speaker 137 Uh, I'm not anymore.

Speaker 23 No, what happened?

Speaker 104 When did you stop going to church?

Speaker 137 I did mushrooms.

Speaker 108 Oh, shit,

Speaker 36 don't do it.

Speaker 137 You're like, I see what they were talking about, it's more of a metaphor.

Speaker 80 Isn't that ironic?

Speaker 59 God made a plant that makes people stop believing in him.

Speaker 31 Isn't it interesting?

Speaker 26 You did that, those in Canada?

Speaker 16 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 137 I mean, yeah.

Speaker 112 Okay.

Speaker 137 You said that like I've done them once. So yeah.

Speaker 137 I'm realizing now how public this is going to be. So yeah, one time.

Speaker 77 What are your thoughts on Justin Trudeau?

Speaker 137 I love that he has brought the country together in hating him.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 24 It is incredible. Yeah.

Speaker 137 Literally, the other day I was just at a traffic light and there was a guy coming to all the cars trying to get money and his thing just said fuck Trudeau.

Speaker 137 And I was like, that's beautiful, that that brings in more dollars than please.

Speaker 119 We're united.

Speaker 31 Amazing, Andrew.

Speaker 49 You did so good here tonight.

Speaker 50 Amazing stuff.

Speaker 34 How long are you in Austin, Texas for?

Speaker 44 About two weeks.

Speaker 49 About two weeks.

Speaker 8 Love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Speaker 102 And you know what else, Andrew?

Speaker 143 You know what I want you to do? Because you didn't get on the open mic tonight, probably, right?

Speaker 57 Did you?

Speaker 146 The odds of that are very low that you got on both shows, correct?

Speaker 59 But did you sign up for it?

Speaker 133 Yeah.

Speaker 84 Okay, well, the talent booker, I do believe that show is still going on.

Speaker 59 Why don't we get him a few minutes in front of Adamiga?

Speaker 23 Nine years in the game, a full-time comedian.

Speaker 40 They're gonna take you straight up to the other room.

Speaker 108 Don't bomb over there.

Speaker 45 There he goes, Andrew Packer, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 42 Perhaps getting a shot at getting on more shows on the big lineup here at the Comedy Mothership right now, being shipped off.

Speaker 61 The opportunity of a lifetime.

Speaker 40 You guys ready for one last bucket pull tonight, huh?

Speaker 46 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jessica Misetano, our third female of the night.

Speaker 12 How exciting, Jessica Misetano.

Speaker 124 Hello.

Speaker 153 I just moved you from Chicago, dude.

Speaker 149 Hell yeah.

Speaker 153 They got that nine months of seasonal depression. Fuck that.
Do you guys even get that here, or is it just regular depression for you guys?

Speaker 130 Not regular. Regular.

Speaker 153 But you have those telltale signs, right? Like you get lethargic, you don't want to do anything. I know I'm getting sad because that's when I start masturbating face down again.

Speaker 153 I do it on the couch too, dude.

Speaker 153 You put your face between the cushions because it muffles the crying.

Speaker 6 I miss my dad.

Speaker 153 We can't just kill ourselves, though, can we? That's the easy way out. So I go on a lot of road trips is what I do.

Speaker 153 You guys ever notice those crosses on the side of the road to commemorate the dead? You know what I'm talking about? I see these fucking things everywhere.

Speaker 153 I'm thinking, like, why do you never see the star of David on the side of the road?

Speaker 153 No little Buddhas or anything like that.

Speaker 153 I kind of think Christians are just bad drivers.

Speaker 179 Like,

Speaker 151 maybe.

Speaker 42 Go ahead, finish it, Jessica.

Speaker 23 Finish it.

Speaker 153 like maybe Jesus needs to hand that wheel back

Speaker 171 Thank you

Speaker 34 Jessica Misetano

Speaker 41 Misetano I just got deal with this.

Speaker 6 I don't know how to lower it.

Speaker 68 Hey, hello you're gonna call me fat a bunch.

Speaker 137 Let's go

Speaker 142 Yep

Speaker 23 There you go even red bands jumping in on it

Speaker 31 Okay, Jessica. No, it's fine.
You're not even the biggest girl that's been up here tonight.

Speaker 59 You actually look exactly like the other two female comedians mushed together.

Speaker 32 I don't know if anybody else is seeing it.

Speaker 24 It's just the haircut of Carly,

Speaker 32 the body of Selena, piercings through the face.

Speaker 153 It's not Selena, though, bitch. I'll take it.

Speaker 28 Not that Selena.

Speaker 119 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 141 Hey.

Speaker 77 That was fun. How long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years.

Speaker 119 Wow, where at?

Speaker 153 Chicago.

Speaker 89 Oh, that's right.

Speaker 131 Yep, that makes sense.

Speaker 57 That's fine. Chicago.
You visited the bean before?

Speaker 78 You sons of bitches.

Speaker 33 Oh, fuck you.

Speaker 44 Fuck you, fuck the bean.

Speaker 153 I would if I could.

Speaker 2 They got to bury it around, you know?

Speaker 59 Did you know that that bean was picked in Mexico by an American?

Speaker 46 That's what a lot of people don't know.

Speaker 27 Giant metal bean pulled out of the ground by an American that visited Mexico to pick a bean.

Speaker 136 Does that sound racist?

Speaker 170 No, it's it was on tonight's episode.

Speaker 119 It happened live less than an hour ago.

Speaker 26 Jessica, what do you do for work?

Speaker 153 I'm a hairstylist, dude.

Speaker 25 I get those vibes.

Speaker 139 Yeah, you seem like it.

Speaker 6 What does that mean?

Speaker 21 Well, you just have that fucking energy.

Speaker 27 There's a hairstylist energy.

Speaker 91 But you look like a hairstylist who only does that haircut you have.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 144 You look like a hairstylist that says, is it all right if I touch you before you get there?

Speaker 74 Luckily, I have to tell you, I just moved into the neighborhood, but uh, I do hair.

Speaker 35 Uh, this one's a little bit more.

Speaker 61 Do you ask them what pronouns they go by before you cut their hair?

Speaker 128 What are yours?

Speaker 32 Oh, you bitch.

Speaker 161 You bitch.

Speaker 10 You.

Speaker 12 Oh, look, she's doing a dance.

Speaker 15 Oh, she's doing a fat girl dance.

Speaker 95 Oh, no.

Speaker 167 Oh, God.

Speaker 49 The whole room smells like Gorgonzola.

Speaker 33 Unbelievable.

Speaker 86 Jessica,

Speaker 29 oh, you're very comfortable here. Very comfortable.

Speaker 98 A little Captain Morgan style.

Speaker 10 I thought she was shaking out a queeve.

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 28 I was, yeah.

Speaker 98 This is amazing.

Speaker 29 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 85 Wow.

Speaker 89 Incredible, Jessica.

Speaker 29 Oh, red band.

Speaker 53 Red band. Why that far?

Speaker 44 What was that?

Speaker 27 The Airy fart?

Speaker 29 Oh, my God.

Speaker 56 She seems more like a pinched fart.

Speaker 149 Shake it again.

Speaker 20 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 128 I thought we were going to do the other one.

Speaker 54 No, do the park. More girthy.

Speaker 36 You know what I mean?

Speaker 9 Do the pinched farts.

Speaker 154 Oh, there it is.

Speaker 51 Wow, that's amazing. You have such an amazing talent over there.

Speaker 38 It works better with quefs than with farts.

Speaker 98 Okay, so let's just jump right into it, Jessica.

Speaker 59 What's your love life like?

Speaker 33 What type of bulldyke are you?

Speaker 145 Dude, I tried being gay.

Speaker 42 I did.

Speaker 153 Like the fingers pickle and then the smell's not right when it's not your own. You know what I mean?

Speaker 161 It's gross.

Speaker 33 Okay, Red Band, get rid of the fartboard.

Speaker 24 That's enough.

Speaker 48 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 12 My goodness gracious.

Speaker 142 I want some behind it for sure.

Speaker 153 That's what I get for trying to be vulnerable.

Speaker 26 So, what types of guys are you into?

Speaker 124 You seem like the kind of lady that would be with a black guy.

Speaker 153 My family, I've disappointed my parents enough.

Speaker 161 Just anybody, really.

Speaker 61 Anybody, really.

Speaker 153 I've been celibate for seven months. It's nuts.

Speaker 170 Yeah, I don't. Really? I know, dude.

Speaker 153 I'm trying to be a good person. It sucks.

Speaker 95 What made you feel like a celibate?

Speaker 59 Like, what kind of wild night did you have where you're like, God damn it, I'm going celibate after that?

Speaker 153 Overdosing.

Speaker 51 What did you overdose on exactly?

Speaker 59 Yogurt?

Speaker 153 I feel like I'd have stronger muscles. No, dude.

Speaker 153 Benzos, dude. That's what it is.
You ever nod out and go to a roller fucking rink or go down a roller coaster 60 miles an hour, just snorting benzos? It's fun.

Speaker 58 You mixed roller rank and roller coaster, though.

Speaker 153 Yeah, I was lying the first time.

Speaker 81 Wow.

Speaker 72 Where were we?

Speaker 43 Where were we for this overdose?

Speaker 105 Six flags. Florida.

Speaker 43 Just straight straight up Florida.

Speaker 153 Yeah, dude, I had a time down there. You ever been down there? Hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 86 Yep.

Speaker 21 So you really overdosed on benzos?

Speaker 57 What'd they have to do?

Speaker 153 Nothing, really. I had a seizure.
I was in a seizure for like a fucking week, and they didn't.

Speaker 74 That's impossible.

Speaker 153 What are you talking about? No, I was in and out of granule seizures. They didn't even know it.
They just found out.

Speaker 63 Who's like that trace?

Speaker 153 The doctors.

Speaker 153 What fucking hospital was it?

Speaker 48 It doesn't matter the exact hospital, but you were at a hospital for a week.

Speaker 142 You were having seizures and they didn't notice.

Speaker 153 They didn't know.

Speaker 153 They just found trace amounts of Xanax. They don't exactly.

Speaker 103 None of this sounds real.

Speaker 153 No, why the fuck would I lie about like on the internet and everything? No.

Speaker 96 That's a good point.

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 103 Or maybe that's exactly why you would lie.

Speaker 153 Didn't I get lots of dick? No, that's the lie I would tell.

Speaker 49 So they kept you in the hospital for a week, but they didn't.

Speaker 26 What were they diagnosing you as?

Speaker 153 They just, they put on the papers just granular seizures, but they found trace amounts of Xanax in my system.

Speaker 153 But at the time I was sober, so it was just I guess over time the drug use that I was doing, it kind of caught up to me.

Speaker 39 Wow. That's not what an overdose is.

Speaker 153 That's what they put on the I know asshole, but that's just what they put on the

Speaker 36 whoa.

Speaker 68 Sorry.

Speaker 91 We thought you were foaming at a fucking amusement park.

Speaker 9 Caesar.

Speaker 73 And you started having baby Caesar take you to hospital and said like it's maybe Xanax maybe?

Speaker 153 Yeah, no, it's not.

Speaker 73 I thought you were like, you know, clear

Speaker 153 no not that serious I don't do heroin or nothing just

Speaker 23 okay so how about uh how about hobbies when you're not doing drugs and cutting hair anything else are there any passions you seem like the kind of lady that would uh do some roller derby or something like that or some like tough girl things some like uh you know like

Speaker 122 softball or yeah

Speaker 73 maybe um

Speaker 154 interracial bowling league or

Speaker 75 i could i can see her doing power slap.

Speaker 120 Yeah, you seem like you'd be a great power slapper.

Speaker 10 Local power slap.

Speaker 154 Let's nickname her.

Speaker 85 Yeah.

Speaker 6 All this is hurtful, by the way.

Speaker 163 No,

Speaker 153 I do a lot of art. I'm an artist.
I'm an artist before anything else.

Speaker 119 Oh, yeah. What kind of art?

Speaker 153 Painting, acrylic. I like to sing.
I ain't singing for you, motherfucker. Don't fucking do that.

Speaker 139 You what?

Speaker 153 I like to sing, dude.

Speaker 161 Singing's... Yeah.

Speaker 122 Singing?

Speaker 95 Did you say singing?

Speaker 12 Oh, you look like you got pipes, lady.

Speaker 26 I've seen bitches built like you before.

Speaker 29 I want to hear that.

Speaker 75 She looks like she has crackpipes.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 21 What type of song do you like to sing?

Speaker 153 You know, I love blues. They're like, Amy Winehouse is the shit.

Speaker 12 Let's just do some bluesy stuff.

Speaker 61 But for copyright's sake, because again, YouTube has been tough and making these cookies lately.

Speaker 98 Let's do something Amy Winehouse-esque, but not exactly Amy Winehouse-esque, or literally, Amy Winehouse's father gets the money from the episode.

Speaker 40 If it sounds too much like Amy Winehouse, Amy Winehouse's father, who basically killed her, would get all the money from this episode.

Speaker 167 You can't make this shit up.

Speaker 61 It's the state of music and the state of YouTube right now.

Speaker 73 They try to say I had a seat.

Speaker 10 I said, no,

Speaker 14 no, no.

Speaker 14 I ain't got the time.

Speaker 28 Stop, stop.

Speaker 27 You can't really sing, and that's a copyright infringement.

Speaker 28 It's okay, though.

Speaker 82 This motherfucker, dude.

Speaker 113 You're a bully, dude.

Speaker 133 I'm a bully?

Speaker 164 You're a fucking bully.

Speaker 21 Wow, you're not as tough as you look.

Speaker 119 I know.

Speaker 26 Nobody calls me that on this show.

Speaker 60 How dare you?

Speaker 107 Wasn't the worst singing that's ever been on the show, but it was just very, very, very, very, very basic.

Speaker 59 Were you like building up to a big moment there?

Speaker 55 Was there like a thing coming?

Speaker 81 No.

Speaker 123 Oh, okay.

Speaker 124 Then I cut it off at the exact right time.

Speaker 130 You did, yeah.

Speaker 73 In fairness, she said she liked singing.

Speaker 154 She didn't say I'm particularly good at it.

Speaker 9 Yeah,

Speaker 153 that is fair.

Speaker 161 I also don't like that song that much, you know?

Speaker 147 Okay, fine.

Speaker 77 Well, I mean, you know.

Speaker 60 We'll move on, though.

Speaker 85 Yeah.

Speaker 75 You know what I like about you?

Speaker 74 You're so likable.

Speaker 119 Yeah.

Speaker 24 And with that voice. voice,

Speaker 81 thank you.

Speaker 38 Amy Brickhouse over here.

Speaker 56 How many abortions have you had?

Speaker 132 Two.

Speaker 166 There you go. Two.

Speaker 136 Nice. How many at home?

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 89 That is amazing.

Speaker 125 Amazing.

Speaker 77 I'm out of big joke books.

Speaker 29 Oh, there's a hairy one.

Speaker 48 This is a hairy situation.

Speaker 32 Bones Eye made this out of some kind of dead animal.

Speaker 67 Congratulations.

Speaker 72 Oh, wow.

Speaker 36 Great, great, unbelievable catch.

Speaker 61 Definitely still some Xanax in that system.

Speaker 42 I don't know if you guys saw that.

Speaker 36 Put her in right field.

Speaker 58 Lack of attempt on that catch there.

Speaker 49 Even underhand.

Speaker 48 Still having a seizure.

Speaker 41 That was your chance for one last fart noise there.

Speaker 24 She stuck her ass out again.

Speaker 12 Do it one more time.

Speaker 68 Do I leave now? Yep.

Speaker 143 There she goes, everybody.

Speaker 23 Jessica Misatano.

Speaker 108 You're a bully.

Speaker 43 God,

Speaker 43 so gay.

Speaker 49 All right, well, what can I say?

Speaker 61 I mean, that's an episode. We did it.

Speaker 33 That's what it looks like.

Speaker 61 But it's not over just yet.

Speaker 109 There's only one way to put a ribbon on it.

Speaker 109 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Kill Tony Hall of Famer, legend of the game, record holder, all-time appearances, interviews, and everything in between.

Speaker 12 Some people call him the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla. This is indeed the Express VPN debacler, the HIMS harasser, the simply safe security sergeant.

Speaker 12 This is the one and only William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 2 Did Massad just drop the song of the summer?

Speaker 2 You know that mixtape must be fire if you start listening to it over a walkie-talkie and it explodes.

Speaker 2 Apparently in Haiti, they don't have animal shelters. They're called all-you-can-eat buffets.

Speaker 2 Here's a quote from Kamala Harris running mate Tim Walls from this past weekend. We can't afford four more years of this.

Speaker 123 Wait, what?

Speaker 11 Holy shit, dumbass.

Speaker 137 Remember the rumor that Mr.

Speaker 2 Rogers had sleeve tattoos and was a sniper in Vietnam? It gets worse.

Speaker 122 He was pro-life.

Speaker 2 I imagine if today Mr. Rogers was like, I'm pro-life, I support the children.

Speaker 11 Y'all would be like, you hate women.

Speaker 11 you hate women

Speaker 11 you hate women

Speaker 11 you hate women

Speaker 11 you hate women

Speaker 11 wow

Speaker 27 i did not see that coming

Speaker 139 Look at you doing a little fucking art piece there.

Speaker 2 God, yeah, it's been an insane insane week. Tony, on Tuesday, I actually ate some sushi with red band, and my stomach is still totally fucked up.

Speaker 63 I think I have a parasite or something.

Speaker 2 Seriously, I wonder when I end up going to the hospital after eating sushi. I don't know.
It's been a week now. Tomorrow it's a week.
And then the next night, Tony, I swear to God, I had my arm.

Speaker 2 I always sleep on my

Speaker 2 tummy, and I had my arm up like this, and my rotator, it hurts to even do that. So I'm a big old mess.

Speaker 128 That is incredible.

Speaker 21 What have some of your symptoms been from this sushi incident on Tuesday?

Speaker 78 It's been, I mean, that's six days.

Speaker 2 Well, on, I think it was Thursday, I had my favorite yellow boxers on, Tony. Yellow is my favorite color.
Ooh, yellow.

Speaker 67 And I got boxers.

Speaker 64 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 66 Dangerous.

Speaker 11 Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 2 And I farted and nasty shit came out of my butthole.

Speaker 2 And I ended up, I was thinking, I'm going to put these in the washing machine, but then I thought that was gross. And then I ended up just throwing them away.

Speaker 25 So it's been a real hard week, Tony.

Speaker 2 I had those things like three years.

Speaker 2 But I feel like I really had to prepare tonight. I mean, everything's so low in my life right now.
I really had to prepare. I've really been going through it.

Speaker 81 Wow.

Speaker 157 Your favorite yellow boxers.

Speaker 104 You've been going through it.

Speaker 57 Amazing. You ate the same sushi as him on Tuesday.

Speaker 89 Did you have any symptoms? Yes.

Speaker 89 I actually had to...

Speaker 179 almost the same. I didn't shit myself.

Speaker 10 And I also fucked my elbow up also.

Speaker 89 Your elbow.

Speaker 95 You just scrapped your elbow.

Speaker 87 My shoulder up.

Speaker 149 Yeah.

Speaker 8 But my stomach still is like sore right now.

Speaker 78 Yeah, it looks swollen as fuck.

Speaker 95 So swollen.

Speaker 36 There's something going on.

Speaker 170 Belly button popped out the other night.

Speaker 36 Wow.

Speaker 58 Unbelievable.

Speaker 124 Unbelievable.

Speaker 2 But yes,

Speaker 144 I never would have guessed that you two would be getting sushi together.

Speaker 80 Your chemistry here on Mondays where you deeply insult each other's mothers and scream at one another and seem to have a real rivalry.

Speaker 104 And there you are breaking

Speaker 127 fish.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we're trying to bury the hatchet. It really is.

Speaker 2 It genuinely, it takes a big toll on my life. I mean, yeah, I do talk about Red Band's mom a decent amount, but that's because I really do love the woman.
I mean, she's older.

Speaker 119 I really love her, but I have to, I also love Red Band, too.

Speaker 2 So I have to be super careful now. So we're keeping it kind of under the sheets, under wraps.
That's what Red Band's mom and I call it, under the sheets.

Speaker 2 That's when we're having sex, under the sheets. She won't let me see her naked when it's when the lights are on

Speaker 2 but yeah no trying to just bury the hatchet with red band and things are already going a little better well you just literally told him that you're his mother and that she doesn't let you see her naked in the lights he knows about all of this tony we literally you guys know you know about this

Speaker 139 he says he's just derfing or something i don't know what he calls what does that mean Derfing?

Speaker 175 Redband, William's not trying to be your dad. He just wants to be your friend.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. I mean, I get it.
There's a fucking, what, 20 years age difference between you and I. I'm, again, your mom's way older than me, but I just have to.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I want it to be cool between you and I. It's almost like I'm your dad in certain ways.
If I'm kind of with your.

Speaker 22 Wow, do you look at William like a potential father figure?

Speaker 160 Red Band

Speaker 28 shaking.

Speaker 27 His tits are bouncing up and down right now.

Speaker 139 It's absolutely incredible.

Speaker 77 Think of what it would be like having stepdad William in your life.

Speaker 179 I would actually be down with that.

Speaker 36 I would be up.

Speaker 2 Hey, Red Band, come to dinner.

Speaker 137 Hey, Red Band, clean your room.

Speaker 23 My guess is he comes to dinner a little bit faster than he cleans his room.

Speaker 142 Oh, he does.

Speaker 31 Just coming down the stairs.

Speaker 95 And sometimes he wears his...

Speaker 2 Yeah, he wears his socks sometimes and he falls down the steps.

Speaker 29 Wow, this is incredible to find out the stepdad perspective from William raising a 50-year-old Brian Redband.

Speaker 26 A 50-year-old, morbidly obese Brian Redban.

Speaker 38 I almost forgot the morbidly obese part.

Speaker 37 Uh-oh.

Speaker 23 Wait, wait a second.

Speaker 90 Are you going?

Speaker 28 There it is. Very good.

Speaker 98 So, William...

Speaker 55 Bully this guy.

Speaker 70 Yeah, a real bully.

Speaker 27 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 43 Can you imagine the compilation of me bullying people?

Speaker 106 Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 31 William, you know, it's just amazing to me to watch you every week surprise us and do different things.

Speaker 130 I mean, you are a true artist.

Speaker 60 What else has been going on?

Speaker 2 Oh, my gosh. Well, luckily, I got out of the PlayStation 5 video game.
It's called Remnant 2. Thank God I got out of it.
I put 160 hours. I don't know what the math is on that, and I think two weeks.

Speaker 2 So, luckily, got out of that, Tony. I was able to get out this weekend, watch football all day Saturday.
It was very fun.

Speaker 2 I mean you watched college football on Saturday all day Saturday and Tony I also had some

Speaker 2 Think it was banana pudding it also made

Speaker 2 my Tell me but Tony it's

Speaker 29 And you also mentioned we talked earlier this past week every once in a while.

Speaker 60 I'll get a call from

Speaker 23 One of the regulars and they ask you know some advice on how to handle things and you were mentioning that yes I got a call on a landline antique phone thank you oh and then my cell phone rang my 1990s cell phone rang maybe next time Red Band that was a good try

Speaker 2 And you know, Red Band, I'm kidding about your mom. Again, yeah,

Speaker 75 we went to go break bread.

Speaker 2 And I swear to God, I spent 400. I don't even, I'm embarrassed to even say this right now.
It's the most expensive meal in my life I've ever had with sushi.

Speaker 2 I spent $450 fucking dollars to shit in my yellow boxers a couple days later. It really was a horrible week for me, Tony.

Speaker 44 And let me ask you something before we talk about the phone call that I took from you.

Speaker 107 But I'm interested to know because, you know, I'll give a little behind the scenes.

Speaker 55 William is

Speaker 130 what would be the proper verbiage here? He is.

Speaker 2 Kind of a badass, or yeah.

Speaker 87 No,

Speaker 87 I'm kidding.

Speaker 68 He is.

Speaker 77 wait, what song are we going into here?

Speaker 59 Hold on.

Speaker 61 He's very,

Speaker 29 we'll say good with money.

Speaker 90 Very, very, very.

Speaker 77 I would almost say thrifty, dare I say?

Speaker 148 Very good.

Speaker 2 Frugal. I'm a big coupon.
Big couponer. I started couponing.

Speaker 72 Very frugal.

Speaker 107 So I'm curious to know if you remember exactly, what did you tip on that $450 bill?

Speaker 2 Well, interesting question.

Speaker 2 question so there was already what was it 18 or 20% gratuity added so I felt weird it seemed like a weird move on the restaurant's part I ended up tipping them 20 extra dollars so I even ended up was it 18 I didn't know what to do 20.

Speaker 31 20. It was 20.

Speaker 138 So you gave an extra 20.

Speaker 112 Yeah.

Speaker 79 So technically on paper, somewhere out there, there is a credit card receipt, you know, a bill that says William Montgomery, because I'm guessing you paid with your credit card.

Speaker 124 Yeah.

Speaker 31 And then it just says $450.

Speaker 59 And then underneath it, it says 20

Speaker 130 right

Speaker 59 see that that part freaks me out

Speaker 31 even when it's auto-graded for 20 I feel the need to you know go a little bit overboard there you don't feel that need at all

Speaker 2 yeah I mean if there's already 20% I mean I'm not yeah maybe what's the extra 24 what do you think they're gonna do with that exactly I don't know I thought maybe the lady maybe if she has a drug problem or something maybe she can buy drugs with the $20 or I don't know help her somehow.

Speaker 128 So I took this call from you this past week and you told me that people, what the fuck?

Speaker 68 Whoa,

Speaker 65 what is that music?

Speaker 111 It's what?

Speaker 49 Oh, that's my phone. Yes.

Speaker 55 That's my actual phone.

Speaker 104 Let me hear it one more time.

Speaker 149 Okay.

Speaker 119 That's right.

Speaker 26 According to YouTube rules, Nokia just made another $100,000.

Speaker 34 I'm telling you, I'm going to start calling it out.

Speaker 26 I'm going to do what Stern did back when he was hilarious, like late 90s, early 2000s.

Speaker 71 He used to call out

Speaker 26 the station, right?

Speaker 89 The bosses.

Speaker 21 You're here.

Speaker 58 This episode is the episode where Tony started calling out YouTube for their bullshit.

Speaker 32 God damn it.

Speaker 123 You want war, YouTube?

Speaker 32 Oh, God.

Speaker 92 It's actually

Speaker 32 probably going to cost me a lot of money.

Speaker 149 Anyway, and you called me.

Speaker 6 We hate women. Okay.

Speaker 20 Because

Speaker 128 you mentioned to me that there's been some high-profile people bullying you online, starting shit.

Speaker 43 And you asked me what you should do about it.

Speaker 31 Can you want to tell the audience?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, it's just been this weird thing in my life recently. There are these just, I don't know, you call them

Speaker 2 keyboard warriors. I think that's what people call them.
But people have been acting real kind of, real mean to me, kind of bullying me. And it's like, I don't know what to do.

Speaker 2 And it kind of pisses me off because I swear to God, most of these people are probably just giant pussies. And there's no fucking way they could ever actually do anything to my fucking ass.

Speaker 2 And it's so strange because one of the worst people doing this is a guy named Dustin Poirier. He is just talking so much fucking shit about me.

Speaker 2 And I swear to God, I cannot stand fucking Dustin Poirier.

Speaker 11 He's literally talking shit

Speaker 11 on the fucking computer about me.

Speaker 11 He won't fucking fucking meet up with my fucking ass.

Speaker 54 You're telling me why.

Speaker 76 I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Speaker 110 Oh my god, wait a second.

Speaker 76 He fucking pisses me off.

Speaker 15 Wait a second.

Speaker 110 Look behind you, William.

Speaker 102 Oh my god.

Speaker 51 Literally one of the greatest fighters of all time, Dustin Poria is here.

Speaker 143 Holy shit.

Speaker 132 Oh my god,

Speaker 21 Dustin.

Speaker 61 Oh my god.

Speaker 26 What wait, what is happening here?

Speaker 61 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 36 Look at

Speaker 76 that.

Speaker 76 We ain't ever gonna stop. Wow, Dustin Poirier,

Speaker 76 William Montgomery.

Speaker 15 What an episode.

Speaker 11 Make some fucking noise for Dustin Poirier and William Montgomery.

Speaker 11 Fuck yes.

Speaker 10 Fucking awesome.

Speaker 21 Thank you, Simply Save Hymns and ExpressVPN.

Speaker 108 And a special shout out to the great people over at YouTube where you can create your own content and put it out.

Speaker 61 And even if you kill the entire comedy industry and all the late night shows and an entire network formerly known as Comedy Central and absolutely dominate the field of an entire art form, you can enjoy it all over at YouTube with no pain or pressure or censorship whatsoever.

Speaker 57 They're so so nice and great, and they really help us any chance they get.

Speaker 67 And they really forget about YouTube Premium, Tony.

Speaker 84 Yeah, YouTube Premium.

Speaker 61 You could skip the ads, everybody.

Speaker 148 How exciting!

Speaker 143 Make sure you get it.

Speaker 21 Make sure you subscribe and like.

Speaker 56 Click that thumbs up button as hard as you possibly can.

Speaker 22 It's a great time over at YouTube.

Speaker 36 You YouTube.

Speaker 8 It's what's in your wallet.

Speaker 139 Yeah.

Speaker 84 Yeah, what's on your TV screen?

Speaker 161 YouTube.

Speaker 61 Go to youtube.com and download the app now.

Speaker 61 We love you, YouTube.

Speaker 23 We really, really do, from the bottom of our hearts.

Speaker 142 All right.

Speaker 41 Make some noise for the Legion of Skanks, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 122 Heading in to the big week.

Speaker 54 I mean, this is it.

Speaker 61 The granddaddy of them all.

Speaker 15 The greatest comedy festival.

Speaker 48 By the way, we've been saying that for years and years and years on this show.

Speaker 61 And this year is the first year where there will be no JFL fucking comedy festival because these guys literally killed them.

Speaker 40 They ended that.

Speaker 23 They are the comedy festival now.

Speaker 132 And it's getting bigger and better all the time.

Speaker 61 Very fun things.

Speaker 42 Some amazing, unbelievable shows.

Speaker 48 Special guests.

Speaker 12 They do it right over there.

Speaker 23 Secret shows popping up there.

Speaker 61 Very, very exciting stuff.

Speaker 42 Big J's back here in November.

Speaker 41 How about one more time for the Legion of Skanks?

Speaker 20 How about one more time for the best stampan in the land?

Speaker 15 Matt Muelling, John Dees, Dean Madness, Michael Gonzalez, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, and Raul Vallejo.

Speaker 171 We did it again.

Speaker 61 The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in.

Speaker 12 It is unbelievable.

Speaker 35 Red Band.

Speaker 11 Check out the SunsetStripATX.com.

Speaker 54 Love you guys.

Speaker 61 We love you. We'll see you soon.

Speaker 143 Good night, everybody.

Speaker 61 Thank you.

Speaker 61 Yesterday

Speaker 61 I

Speaker 61 got a sweet little dog

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