#684 - JOHN CRIST + SECRET GUEST

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.

Speaker 1 If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com. Everything golden pony, including his tour dates, at tonyhinchcliffe.com.

Speaker 3 If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

Speaker 5 And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 8 Hey, this is Red Man coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 10 Keep it up for Tony Hitchfant.

Speaker 11 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 11 Yeah,

Speaker 12 you made it, motherfuckers.

Speaker 14 This is the number one live podcast in the world brought to you by DraftKings.

Speaker 16 This is Kiltoni. Hi, everybody.

Speaker 17 How about one more time for the best.

Speaker 18 Oh, this is Red Band, everyone.

Speaker 19 There he is.

Speaker 20 One more time for the best stand band in the land, huh?

Speaker 21 Come on.

Speaker 19 That's grooveline horns.

Speaker 23 The great Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo.

Speaker 25 Ha ha ha.

Speaker 26 Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Speaker 27 Raul Vallejo on the horns.

Speaker 29 Look who else is joining us on horns tonight.

Speaker 20 Kill Tony legend Jetsky Jesse Johnson, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 35 Over here, the great Matt Muelling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and this is D-Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 22 Live in the flesh, the real deal.

Speaker 39 A fantastic episode planned for y'all.

Speaker 41 Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

Speaker 44 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.
Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

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Speaker 50 if you thought goldenly breaded mcdonald's chicken couldn't get more golden think golder because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here made for your chicken favorites at participate in mcdonald's for limited time are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what?

Speaker 17 Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guest, it is his first time joining the show.

Speaker 32 Very, very awesome comedian.

Speaker 26 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for tonight's guest, John Christ, everybody.

Speaker 58 Come on,

Speaker 36 hell yeah,

Speaker 59 John.

Speaker 33 Welcome, John.

Speaker 60 Have a seat.

Speaker 22 Yeah, sit there.

Speaker 53 Yeah.

Speaker 52 John Chris, about to go on a huge tour.

Speaker 35 Tickets available at johnchriscomedy.com.

Speaker 63 It's like Christ, but without the H.

Speaker 64 Hi, John. That's a good way to say that.
I'll take it.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 65 Yeah, I'm good at figuring out ways to spell it.

Speaker 66 Without the H. Yeah.

Speaker 67 Right.

Speaker 39 Mike Hinchcliffe is H plus H, Cliff plus E.

Speaker 68 It's a haiku to start the show.

Speaker 70 It's 11 letters.

Speaker 43 Not easy to spell.

Speaker 71 Dude, I don't know when I graduate high school.

Speaker 43 That's how I learned how to say it and spell it, actually.

Speaker 72 crazy. Yeah.

Speaker 73 Red band.

Speaker 49 H plus H, Cliff plus C.

Speaker 71 There you go.

Speaker 38 The great Jetsky Johnson also joining us again.

Speaker 26 Just a reminder: she chimes in sometimes through the show,

Speaker 14 and we reward her with not only laughs, but also a vroom, vroom, vroom.

Speaker 76 Where you go like

Speaker 70 that.

Speaker 77 You guys do that.

Speaker 78 Do it.

Speaker 56 You guys can do better than that.

Speaker 75 Do it again.

Speaker 79 There you go.

Speaker 25 There you go. Red Band really overpowering you guys

Speaker 73 thinking that that makes sense there, but it's okay.

Speaker 52 It's the least of our worries in this wonderful world.

Speaker 73 John, welcome to the show.

Speaker 84 We're going to see some comedy tonight.

Speaker 28 We're going to talk to comedians. We're going to figure out what makes them tick.

Speaker 35 I have 238 sign-ups in this bucket tonight.

Speaker 43 I swear, there's a lot.

Speaker 85 They're everywhere.

Speaker 49 There's so many.

Speaker 64 You almost ruined somebody's stream.

Speaker 74 It just fell out of it.

Speaker 51 incredible.

Speaker 49 That's the end. I'll put these back in.

Speaker 26 If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 35 You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 28 That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them.

Speaker 42 And then I conduct an interview and we talk to them and we figure out more about them and what they could possibly have going on in their lives or what makes them special.

Speaker 29 Every episode is totally different. Every episode is improvised.

Speaker 49 Anything can happen as we go wrangle the comedian from across the street.

Speaker 39 I'm going to introduce a regular on the show, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 37 I present to you, kicking off tonight's show, with a brand new 60 Seconds, a legend of Kiltony, a Hall of Famer in Kiltony.

Speaker 6 We are starting the show with a Hall of Famer.

Speaker 33 You guys met this man

Speaker 33 one week after my monumental cancellation, in which my career has never been been the same since,

Speaker 56 May 2021, he was sleeping in his van, doing too many open mics everywhere in front of empty rooms.

Speaker 96 Now he sells out all over the world.

Speaker 18 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise.

Speaker 23 Sing it if you know the words.

Speaker 20 This is Hans Kim.

Speaker 20 Hey!

Speaker 97 So China recently landed a rover on the moon, so now there's fentanyl there.

Speaker 97 You know, doctors, they're not allowed to say retard anymore. They're going to go up to the mother and say, congratulations, sir.

Speaker 97 Your child is going to be a kill Tony Golden Ticket winner.

Speaker 97 A lot of women love drag shows, which I think is hilarious. Drag is where men dress up and pretend to be women.
Can you imagine if there was a show where a woman dressed and acted like a dude?

Speaker 27 We would beat the fuck out of her.

Speaker 97 A lot of people are worried about drag queens grooming children during story hour.

Speaker 97 I am not worried because straight men still exist.

Speaker 99 And we're undefeated, baby.

Speaker 97 You got story hour. We got private islands and jets.

Speaker 97 We're gonna molest the shit out of your kids.

Speaker 101 All right, that's what I tired.

Speaker 19 Thank you.

Speaker 102 Hans Kim.

Speaker 35 Dissing China right from the get.

Speaker 97 Anything for you, Tony?

Speaker 97 Fuck those Chinese motherfuckers.

Speaker 71 Whoa, Jesus.

Speaker 49 Hey, whoa.

Speaker 71 Good lord, Almighty.

Speaker 13 How's it going, Hans?

Speaker 97 I'm doing great, Tony. I'm living life.
I recently moved into a beautiful new apartment. I'm really close to Brian Redband.

Speaker 71 Ooh.

Speaker 85 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 39 What's that like living close to Brian Redband?

Speaker 103 You smell smells.

Speaker 69 It kind of smells.

Speaker 56 Yes. Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 97 A lot of fried food.

Speaker 38 So,

Speaker 38 what's your apartment like?

Speaker 104 What's the new place like?

Speaker 97 It's a high-rise. I got a good view of everyone working hard.

Speaker 97 I'm just in my apartment writing about drag and children getting molested.

Speaker 62 Everyone else is working on it. I love it.

Speaker 29 John, you ever seen Hans Kim before?

Speaker 86 I just in the green room.

Speaker 27 Yeah, there you go.

Speaker 105 Very attractive woman here.

Speaker 10 Yeah. No, he does have a hot white girlfriend.

Speaker 97 Yeah, she's wearing a little black dress tonight. You can see a lot of her white skin, which I love.

Speaker 97 Wow.

Speaker 61 I don't know what to do with that.

Speaker 65 It's great. No, I know.

Speaker 26 He doesn't give us much to work with here.

Speaker 9 It's an incredible shirt you have.

Speaker 43 Teal, there's almost a collar, but not really a collar.

Speaker 106 Where do you get something like that?

Speaker 97 Amazon.com.

Speaker 56 Amazon.com.

Speaker 73 Not even the app, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 63 He goes through the Safari.

Speaker 86 And who pressed it for you?

Speaker 97 I actually iron all my clothes myself. It kind of runs in the family.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 86 That joke deserved more than that.

Speaker 95 I feel like I was great.

Speaker 70 That was good.

Speaker 18 Hans is doing good.

Speaker 34 What else is going on in life, Hans?

Speaker 39 It's been a few weeks since we've seen you.

Speaker 43 Tell us more about your...

Speaker 97 I'm recently incorporated. I'm a proud proprietor of Low Effort Content LLC.

Speaker 103 That's the name of your company?

Speaker 10 Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 97 A lot of podcasts and live streams.

Speaker 97 But yeah, I recently went on tour with the great Jesse Jetsky Johnson. We were the killers.

Speaker 74 We killed it. Yeah.

Speaker 43 Where'd you go? What cities?

Speaker 97 We did Denver and Omaha and sold out. Tony, you're so amazing that you're selling out theaters when you're not even there.

Speaker 108 I completely agree.

Speaker 49 It is unbelievable what we've been able to do with our little universe.

Speaker 31 Well, I love it. Anything fun happen when you were on the road in those places?

Speaker 97 We went to a restaurant.

Speaker 97 They closed it out for us. David Lucas has an inside scoop.

Speaker 97 He's familiar with

Speaker 97 the lower gang members.

Speaker 43 What kind of restaurant was it?

Speaker 97 It was like a Korean restaurant.

Speaker 66 Ooh.

Speaker 109 Hans also took us to a gay bar, and then Cam and David and I paid the cover and we're looking for him. And he was waiting outside because he didn't want to pay the covers.

Speaker 72 Hans

Speaker 110 is a notorious miser.

Speaker 35 Very, very thrifty man, thus the Amazon shirt.

Speaker 38 How much was that shirt on Amazon?

Speaker 97 This is $25.

Speaker 10 Whoa.

Speaker 111 That's actually a lot more than I thought it was worth.

Speaker 112 Was that Easter clearance sale?

Speaker 61 Like, what was that?

Speaker 97 It's the pastel colors. You know?

Speaker 10 All right.

Speaker 86 That'sn't the headliner I thought, Tony.

Speaker 86 I thought he pays the cover for all the other.

Speaker 109 I will say, Cam did pay for me and David, and I was like, you don't have to. He's like, I got you.
And then Hans, where are you? We're texting him. He's like, I'm by the entrance.

Speaker 109 And we thought he was by the, he was outside the entrance

Speaker 97 what happened Hans what was going through your mind I was uh standing out there I went in and the guy touched me very weird and then I went in and they were like it's $15 and I was like oh let me wait for the crew to come in let me make sure that they're in there I don't want to spend money if they're not going to be in there and then turns out they were in there the whole time and I was just waiting outside.

Speaker 16 How long were you waiting outside for?

Speaker 97 Probably like 30 minutes. Yeah, it was a long time.

Speaker 116 Wow.

Speaker 109 And I don't think it was a gay bar, but David Jolly saw everyone dancing. He was like, this shit's gay.
We got to get at it.

Speaker 24 Any bar can be a gay bar if David Jolly says so.

Speaker 75 So, Hans, when you went in the gay bar, anything cool happened in there?

Speaker 97 I got in and I left immediately. I really didn't get to see any gayness.

Speaker 51 I mean.

Speaker 51 Did you ask for a refund?

Speaker 97 I was like, hey, I got to pay for Amazon shirts. Give me my money back.

Speaker 43 Oh, all right, Hansie.

Speaker 26 Fun times, way to get the show started.

Speaker 33 Ladies and gentlemen, a new minute from Hans King.

Speaker 22 Solid.

Speaker 22 Solid minute. And here we go to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 20 This is where shit gets wild.

Speaker 21 This is where we meet somebody.

Speaker 20 Could be somebody's first time ever on stage.

Speaker 32 Could be somebody that's been doing it 20 years, hoping and waiting to get a chance to make it on this show.

Speaker 18 Could be the next star of comedy.

Speaker 56 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you your first bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 54 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Duncan Stone Street, everybody. Here comes Duncan Stone Street.

Speaker 10 What's going on?

Speaker 55 Y'all probably can't tell by looking at me, but I fucking love Lizzo.

Speaker 27 I do.

Speaker 55 Most of my friends, they tell me all the time that's disgusting.

Speaker 119 You shouldn't like big girls like that.

Speaker 55 I can't believe you admit that. I'm from Mississippi.
We don't brag about catching the smallest fish. You know what I mean? Nobody thinks of it that way.
But I do. I fucking love Lizzo.

Speaker 55 I get the same feeling seeing her as when I see like a fresh rotisserie chicken at three in the afternoon after day drinking and I got $18 left and you know that one you need to survive.

Speaker 10 Yeah, I love her, man.

Speaker 55 I was on her side when she got all that negative press, too, you know? I don't know if y'all heard she shoved a banana in a stripper's pussy and tried to make one of the backup dancers eat it.

Speaker 55 Y'all hear about that?

Speaker 119 Allegedly.

Speaker 55 But I was on her side. I thought we should point out the positives, you know.
At least her big ass is eating fruit now.

Speaker 55 It's the wrong lips, but it starts a start, you know?

Speaker 55 Hey, my name is Duncan Stone Street, y'all. That's my time.
Thank y'all.

Speaker 119 Y'all were so kind.

Speaker 118 Stone Street.

Speaker 121 Welcome, Duncan.

Speaker 106 Is this your first time on the show?

Speaker 77 Yes, sir. Absolutely.

Speaker 43 You're so polite.

Speaker 34 I love the sirs coming. Where are you from?

Speaker 55 I'm from Star, Mississippi.

Speaker 14 Storm? Star.

Speaker 63 Star, Mississippi.

Speaker 14 What's Star, Mississippi known for?

Speaker 55 Faith Hill's from there.

Speaker 55 If you ever heard of her.

Speaker 28 Yeah, is there a lot of people in Star, Mississippi?

Speaker 55 No, actually, if you Google it on the Google right now, it'll tell you zero people live there.

Speaker 75 If you Google it on the Google.

Speaker 122 Yeah.

Speaker 17 How far are you from where Forrest Gump was raised?

Speaker 55 Not too far. I bet.

Speaker 43 It's two R's.

Speaker 86 Star with two R's. Is it or no?

Speaker 64 No, it's just one.

Speaker 10 One R.

Speaker 55 No, two R's would be too hard for everybody to put at the end.

Speaker 109 I feel like there's a lot of R's there.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 15 There's also a lot of R's in dir.

Speaker 21 What do you do for work, Duncan?

Speaker 67 Well,

Speaker 55 This last month, man, I've just been road tripping it. I went and crashed with a buddy and did comedy for like a month in Phoenix and hung out and seen what the scene was like out there.

Speaker 71 And it was fucking rad.

Speaker 81 Yeah, what was rad about it?

Speaker 10 Out there in Phoenix.

Speaker 55 Man, it was wild.

Speaker 55 I woke up one night with a bag of cocaine.

Speaker 55 And I don't do cocaine at all.

Speaker 29 Wow. How did you know it was cocaine if you don't do it?

Speaker 55 Well, I was at this bar and I saw this dude doing a lot of cocaine and he offered me some. And then, like, we hung out.
I said, no, we're shooting pool. Fugitive too many drinks later.

Speaker 55 You know, you hit that point of the night where you just don't remember a lot. And then I just woke up the next day and it was in my pocket.

Speaker 29 Isn't that an amazing, magical story?

Speaker 68 Yeah,

Speaker 68 it was a miracle, dude.

Speaker 27 I needed the money.

Speaker 55 I flipped that shit. Did you?

Speaker 77 Did you sell the cocaine?

Speaker 22 How much did you sell it for?

Speaker 55 Oh, man. My mom's watching.
Gonna watch this.

Speaker 27 I was about to say it.

Speaker 67 Oh,

Speaker 55 it was enough to, you know, cover a couple tabs for the next couple nights.

Speaker 43 So I was open, Michael.

Speaker 90 I mean, wow.

Speaker 15 I didn't know. You just sniffled after you said that.

Speaker 67 Yeah,

Speaker 55 I'm gonna stay with a buddy who has a cat, and I'm like, fucking dying.

Speaker 24 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 27 So what do you think really happened?

Speaker 15 You think your buddy slipped a bag of cocaine in your pocket?

Speaker 43 You think you had some crazy?

Speaker 67 We're not the cops.

Speaker 10 No,

Speaker 55 I was at the bottom.

Speaker 77 Were you with the white trash tooth fairy there?

Speaker 107 No, it is Tempe.

Speaker 77 Oh, Tempe.

Speaker 58 That's where the White Trash Tooth Fairy lives.

Speaker 104 I woke up with a bag of cocaine under my pillow.

Speaker 67 Right.

Speaker 55 But yeah, I don't know. Like, I thought I had gotten drugged because I called my girl the next day.
I was like, yeah, I have this whole

Speaker 55 block of time I don't remember. And I didn't like have any money gone that I didn't know about or nothing.
And I was like, jokes on him. I mean, he put a drug in my drink.

Speaker 55 I had a good night and I got his cocaine, you know, so fuck that guy.

Speaker 65 Absolutely.

Speaker 89 You said you have a girlfriend?

Speaker 31 Yes, sir.

Speaker 43 How long you been with her?

Speaker 55 October coming up will be a year.

Speaker 115 Okay.

Speaker 38 And she's still in Starr, Mississippi?

Speaker 55 No, she's in, she's in Hattisburg. It's about an hour away from Starr.

Speaker 43 Holy goodness.

Speaker 74 How did you meet her?

Speaker 55 Well,

Speaker 55 she works at a tattoo shop that my dad used to work at and help open.

Speaker 55 And, yeah, just years ago, and there, stopping by.

Speaker 58 What do you mean stopping by?

Speaker 10 Yeah, what do I do?

Speaker 68 Well, like, I've had a lot of weird jobs.

Speaker 55 So, like, I travel from the top of Mississippi to the bottom. So, like, I'm always just fucking stopping by.

Speaker 68 I don't, you know, what the.

Speaker 27 You say,

Speaker 10 you had a weird job? We never.

Speaker 10 You had a weird job? I've had a lot of them, man.

Speaker 125 What was the weird job where you would go from the top to the bottom of Mississippi?

Speaker 55 I used to deliver seafood, gumbos, bisques, and pies for this.

Speaker 18 Can you name all the types of seafood that you would have?

Speaker 95 have?

Speaker 107 What types of shrimp was there exactly?

Speaker 62 So you got barbecued shrimp, there was cocktail shrimp, brine shrimp,

Speaker 101 there was everything.

Speaker 17 Please tell me your girlfriend's name is Jenny.

Speaker 18 I'm going to lose my fucking mind right now.

Speaker 10 I swear it was

Speaker 51 I had a lot of weird jobs.

Speaker 91 I was in the military for a while, spend some time on the base out in Phoenix.

Speaker 28 It's been a crazy life.

Speaker 31 I'm actually, my last name's Stone Street because my great-great-great-grandfather was the first to put a stone on a street.

Speaker 55 Had to come from somewhere, man.

Speaker 39 Keep naming the seafood.

Speaker 14 What kind of seafood were you delivering?

Speaker 55 Well, we would make like seafood pies.

Speaker 107 You had,

Speaker 55 yeah, it's the most disgusting shit ever. You got like lobster bisque, crawfish bisques.

Speaker 71 Keep going.

Speaker 55 You had shrimp gumbos,

Speaker 55 crawfish gumbos.

Speaker 71 You had,

Speaker 55 man, it was just nasty though. It had like a bunch of heavy cream in it.
And the guy that I worked for, he sucked balls. I hated that guy.

Speaker 93 Keep naming seafood.

Speaker 55 Oh, there's

Speaker 55 king crabs bisques.

Speaker 55 You know?

Speaker 55 I said lobsters already.

Speaker 55 Lobster gumbos and bisques.

Speaker 10 Alright, there's a lot of bisques.

Speaker 78 Mostly bisque.

Speaker 55 It's for white people, and you know, they just, you know,

Speaker 55 gumbo's for poor people, and bisque is for, like, rich people.

Speaker 58 Absolutely.

Speaker 25 Insider info.

Speaker 10 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 55 And usually the poor people's shit is way better.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 106 Would you sneak some gumbo sometimes?

Speaker 107 Would you thaw some out on a hot Mississippi day?

Speaker 55 Fuck that guy. I would take, yeah.
One time he made me scrape all this ice off some shit, and I was so mad. So before I left, I popped all the lids on this shit in the freezer and left before I quit

Speaker 100 I can't tell if this is a character or the real guy oh it's the real guy

Speaker 19 it's the real guy

Speaker 71 I hated that guy

Speaker 71 wow

Speaker 86 amazing where was this during the one minute set you should have talked about this I feel like it's I couldn't

Speaker 27 seafood quick enough it wouldn't have it wouldn't all fit in a minute

Speaker 49 I love it so your one-year anniversary with your girlfriend's coming up what is her first name Samantha So, what are you planning on getting Samantha for your one-year anniversary?

Speaker 55 I don't know. We're more of a trip couple.
Like, we like to take like little weekend trips and stuff.

Speaker 71 Okay.

Speaker 55 So,

Speaker 126 where are you thinking about taking her?

Speaker 55 Oh, man, to the bedroom as soon as I get home first.

Speaker 18 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 39 Fucking do you have any special moves in the bedroom when you fucking forest hump?

Speaker 27 No, not really.

Speaker 55 I just, you know,

Speaker 55 you know, you just eat it for a while, and then.

Speaker 28 Is hers more of a bisque or a gumbo?

Speaker 55 The best bisque.

Speaker 55 The best bisque they got.

Speaker 129 That's amazing.

Speaker 55 Yeah, best bisque on earth, you know?

Speaker 64 That's right.

Speaker 9 Definitely.

Speaker 130 Just an elaboration on the mic to the chin.

Speaker 55 Oh, shit. Sorry.

Speaker 113 Am I not supposed to be?

Speaker 10 No, it's just

Speaker 55 it makes me more comfortable.

Speaker 10 Yeah, keep it there.

Speaker 31 Yeah. I don't want to.
Put it back. No, put it back.
There you go.

Speaker 101 Keep it there. Keep it there for the rest of this set.

Speaker 131 If you remove it, we're going to fucking super glue it to you.

Speaker 16 Last thing before I let you go.

Speaker 84 Craziest thing that you can think about, we would find intriguing about your entire life.

Speaker 64 My entire life?

Speaker 41 I mean, geez, we learned so much just from your seafood chat.

Speaker 55 Man, I've seen some wild shit. I grew up in a tattoo shop.
My dad was a tattoo artist most of my life.

Speaker 28 Has he passed away now?

Speaker 43 No, no, no. Oh, you talked about it.

Speaker 55 No, he's close to it. He's got like diabetes and shit.
I bet he does.

Speaker 16 How do you think he got diabetes? What's his

Speaker 55 sitting in a chair for 20-something years doing tattoos, eating pizza and wings every fucking day? Just

Speaker 27 man.

Speaker 27 I'm sweating over here.

Speaker 90 Nervous.

Speaker 55 Well, you got the money to sit down and not do shit. It's nice, man.
That's fucking great.

Speaker 16 I love it.

Speaker 91 Any special skills or talents?

Speaker 55 I play a little guitar and stuff like that, but I don't want to wait, you know.

Speaker 41 When's the last time you played guitar?

Speaker 55 Probably

Speaker 55 at the dude I'm staying with's house before we left to come hang out.

Speaker 77 You played guitar today? Yes, sir.

Speaker 132 How long have you been playing guitar?

Speaker 10 Well,

Speaker 55 I didn't start learning songs until I quit smoking weed for like a month.

Speaker 55 I thought I had like a mental block for a long time.

Speaker 78 I was like, I don't got no rhythm.

Speaker 77 And then you realize. Yeah, I was like, I'm just retarded.

Speaker 51 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 73 Matt, what do you think?

Speaker 26 Should we let this guy fucking...

Speaker 120 Well, I think this is an amazing opportunity because we have a brand new guest guitar.

Speaker 133 Oh, we do.

Speaker 110 Yeah, let's go.

Speaker 102 Where do we get that guitar from again?

Speaker 120 This is a gift from our fan, Casey Butler.

Speaker 110 Okay, where's it at?

Speaker 55 He's in Mississippi, I believe.

Speaker 27 Wait,

Speaker 66 how ironic.

Speaker 78 That's wild, yeah.

Speaker 119 And you're going to fucking tear this thing up.

Speaker 10 It started in Mississippi, and it's ending up in the hands of a man from Mississippi.

Speaker 28 Is that still where you live?

Speaker 40 What the fuck?

Speaker 21 Put that mic on your chin.

Speaker 28 The hell are you talking to Michael Gonzalez?

Speaker 55 Music info, man. We got a fucking.

Speaker 10 Oh, really? Okay.

Speaker 26 Where's the fucking guitar?

Speaker 49 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 10 My God, can we fucking guess?

Speaker 120 It's a nice guitar. Can I talk about this thing for a second?

Speaker 107 Yeah, talk about the guitar.

Speaker 120 He put a kill Tony Pitt guard up here at the top.

Speaker 6 Wow.

Speaker 10 The logo is there.

Speaker 65 He put a bullet toggle switch in this thing.

Speaker 74 Whoa.

Speaker 10 He put revolver

Speaker 74 volume and tone knobs on this thing.

Speaker 43 Yeah, the barrels of a gun. Yeah, it's Kiltoni themed.

Speaker 10 It's all the way through. It's a lesson.
Kill Tony to the

Speaker 71 Gibson. It's bad as fuck.

Speaker 61 I'm going to make sure it's in tune before he plays.

Speaker 114 Oh, okay, great.

Speaker 27 This is great.

Speaker 106 I'm so glad we got this brand new Kiltoni guitar in case of emergencies.

Speaker 16 Somebody might have to play.

Speaker 135 Perfect time to tune it is live, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 114 Live.

Speaker 17 We're going to find out which one's the more retarded guitar player tonight, everybody.

Speaker 58 I think we know.

Speaker 108 Welcome to another episode of Mentally Guitarded with Matt Muelling and Duncan Stone Street.

Speaker 10 This is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 55 I've never played with other people before, so this is gonna be wild.

Speaker 78 It's ready to go

Speaker 19 Captain Jokes is what Matt Muelling just said.

Speaker 17 All right, can we get a better system of passing this guitar, perhaps?

Speaker 120 Yeah, we gotta figure some kind of

Speaker 132 seven producers standing around looking at how to

Speaker 15 teleport a physical object using the force.

Speaker 135 Here we go.

Speaker 31 Okay. Alright, no, this is perfect.

Speaker 27 We'll hand it the bullet.

Speaker 15 Oh, we have the guest, actually, as the roadie right now.

Speaker 30 This is amazing.

Speaker 15 A fucking $8,000 guitar

Speaker 77 isn't causing...

Speaker 10 Oh, it's a bullet.

Speaker 14 There's bullets on the strap, too?

Speaker 89 It's absolutely incredible. Just...

Speaker 14 what the fuck is going on?

Speaker 129 This is the goddamn.

Speaker 108 There's still no producers on stage.

Speaker 90 We figured out a system for the fucking.

Speaker 108 What a pile of shit our producers are tonight.

Speaker 31 I'm kidding.

Speaker 115 Don't give me a fucking sad face, you goofballs.

Speaker 70 Oh, we fucked up.

Speaker 84 There's no way you could have known.

Speaker 9 All right, you should.

Speaker 28 All right, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 51 Boss? Okay, wait, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 51 Wait, what? Does he want a pick?

Speaker 10 Do you want a pick? Oh, he brought his own pick.

Speaker 76 I brought my own pick.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 136 I used to carry this pick in my pocket while delivering gumbos.

Speaker 78 Brought my own, brother.

Speaker 68 All right, let's see. Let's do it.

Speaker 7 sure, it didn't take too long.

Speaker 68 Woke up in the morning, she's gone.

Speaker 110 And note that she wrote that, say, de John. It's a goodbye, sucker, I'm gone.

Speaker 137 Wow, ladies and gentlemen, I fucking got it.

Speaker 18 Three chords and a shitty voice.

Speaker 23 I'm so glad we waited five minutes for that guitar to make it over to you.

Speaker 70 That was an absolutely incredible performance.

Speaker 54 This is one of the worst interviews I've ever handled in my life.

Speaker 32 I take the blame completely.

Speaker 84 No, no, not you.

Speaker 114 You did great.

Speaker 15 I should have fucking...

Speaker 40 I should have milked you and turned it into bisque.

Speaker 28 You know what I mean?

Speaker 10 Oh, yeah, brother.

Speaker 93 Oh, there's the lovely...

Speaker 111 See, this is what I'm talking about.

Speaker 43 Wow.

Speaker 33 Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Heidi, everybody.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 54 And Duncan, you know what?

Speaker 62 Even though you just talked about Lizzo for your 60 seconds, and I'd love to hear you talk more about you and about your life, I'm still going to give you a big joke book.

Speaker 31 There he goes.

Speaker 33 Duncan Stone Street, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 27 All right.

Speaker 18 We got another bucket pull.

Speaker 139 By the way, I was kidding around.

Speaker 23 How about a hand for the amazing producers here at Kill Kill Tony?

Speaker 11 Yoni, Christy,

Speaker 23 everybody. It's amazing.

Speaker 18 The greatest team on planet Earth.

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Speaker 1 Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

Speaker 2 I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

Speaker 53 He's going the distance.

Speaker 140 He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

Speaker 141 When it started to change, it was quick.

Speaker 5 He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Speaker 141 Now, Charlie's sober. He's going to tell you the truth.

Speaker 2 How do I present this with any class?

Speaker 141 I think we're past that, Charlie.

Speaker 2 We're past that, yeah.

Speaker 53 Somebody call action.

Speaker 141 AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Speaker 20 All right, your next bucket pull.

Speaker 137 I love one-word names.

Speaker 23 This should be exciting.

Speaker 95 Make some noise for Jeremy, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 5 Jeremy.

Speaker 6 What's up, Bukami Mother Shib?

Speaker 6 Make some motherfucking noise if you're in some motherfucking noise.

Speaker 6 So I can't wait to lose my virginity.

Speaker 6 The toughest part about losing your virginity is saving up all the money to pay for it.

Speaker 6 And that's what's up.

Speaker 6 I already know what flavor I'm going to get too. Black.

Speaker 6 That's the freakiest flavor according to Siri.

Speaker 6 Siri, who's...

Speaker 6 Siri, who's got two thumbs and got a bad case of jungle fever?

Speaker 139 Lisa.

Speaker 6 And that's what's up.

Speaker 6 I'll probably...

Speaker 6 Austin's got a lot of homeless people. She should just stay with your mom like me.
It's way cheaper.

Speaker 6 working about worst part about staying with your mom though is her fucking boyfriend jerry

Speaker 6 i fucking want to kill this fucking guy

Speaker 6 i've legit thought about it

Speaker 6 here's my impression of my mom's boyfriend jerry fucking her oh oh i'm fucking gay i'm i'm gay

Speaker 7 i'm gay but i fucking fuck pussy

Speaker 6 And that's what's up.

Speaker 6 I know a lot of people. I know a lot of people.

Speaker 6 I know a lot of people say, oh, you look like a guy that goes to the Paralympics just to heckle the,

Speaker 27 just to heckle all boom.

Speaker 6 I mean, it'd be like, oh, I should give you a standing ovation. You can't even get up and give me one.

Speaker 6 But, no, it's all good.

Speaker 6 Hey, there's so many handicapped.

Speaker 6 How many hand...

Speaker 6 How many handicapped people do you think they're at the Paralympics?

Speaker 6 Every time I watch the the Paralympics, I was like, am I watching an episode of Kill Tony?

Speaker 6 And that's what I talked about. That's what I time, March.

Speaker 90 Wow.

Speaker 59 Jeremy, thank you so much. Unbelievable.
Thank you so much.

Speaker 96 You're welcome.

Speaker 129 You're welcome, Jeremy. Jesus.

Speaker 72 Wow.

Speaker 27 Well written.

Speaker 138 I gotta tell you,

Speaker 38 this is your first time on the show, right, Jeremy?

Speaker 6 Oh, first time doing Santa.

Speaker 10 Footing Santa, man.

Speaker 67 Wow.

Speaker 6 I talk a lot of shit on Xbox Live, but that's not.

Speaker 6 And I feel like pretty funny, but you know, it's one of those things where you just gotta.

Speaker 6 Fuck, I'm sorry. I'm super fucking nervous right now.
I'm so fucking nervous. Is Joe Rogan here right now? No.
No, he's not. Don't let him watch this.
This is my first time.

Speaker 38 That has to be one of the best first-time sets I've ever seen in my entire life on this show.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 112 This is incredible.

Speaker 77 So I don't even know where to begin, Jeremy.

Speaker 9 Jeremy, Jeremy, how old are you?

Speaker 15 Let's start there, because you are a deceptive figure.

Speaker 31 There's a lot going on there.

Speaker 71 You have the

Speaker 103 face of a man, the hair of an older man, yet it's acne.

Speaker 6 I can tell you, I can tell you. There's a lot of acne.

Speaker 28 There's some snot

Speaker 84 coming out of your nose.

Speaker 78 Braces.

Speaker 110 Braces, yes.

Speaker 6 Red man, braces.

Speaker 6 Fuck you, red man. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Wow. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Speaker 10 Amazing.

Speaker 101 Unbelievable stuff.

Speaker 30 Are you a big Joel McHale fan?

Speaker 58 Is that who that is?

Speaker 27 Oh, fucking shoe.

Speaker 144 What?

Speaker 6 I fucking love.

Speaker 6 Yeah, so is Michael Gonzalez. Joel McHale, you ever watched Max Singer? Or he's on a show on Fox called Animal Control, where he's always trying to help out animals and stuff.
I'm a big animal guy.

Speaker 6 And there'll be like a raccoon coming in. The raccoon's like,

Speaker 6 and Joel's like, I'll fucking, I'll fucking save you, man. I'll put you back with your family.

Speaker 6 And

Speaker 6 yeah, but it's not my favorite show. Naked in a phrase, my favorite show.
Cause,

Speaker 6 oh yeah, cuz fucking free shit. Free tits.

Speaker 6 Who loves free tits?

Speaker 6 No, but it's it's all good.

Speaker 118 I'm 38.

Speaker 18 Wow, Jeremy, what have you been doing with your life up until this point?

Speaker 31 What's going on over there?

Speaker 143 I just got something out of you.

Speaker 6 You pulled something out of your other pocket. Oh, it's chill.

Speaker 78 It's just so cute.

Speaker 6 I just read why I keep one of my personal belongings in the fanny pack.

Speaker 38 We have a segment on this show.

Speaker 16 Anytime anybody wears a fanny pack, it's called What's In That Fanny Pack.

Speaker 18 You guys want to play a game of What's In That Fanny Pack?

Speaker 6 And so I say the words, Jeremy, what's in that fanny pack?

Speaker 122 What if I was just like, a fucking gun?

Speaker 6 There's not. There's not.

Speaker 27 There's not.

Speaker 78 There's not.

Speaker 58 There's not.

Speaker 27 But that'd be so fucking boring if I was like, fucking.

Speaker 6 Oops, wrong night to come to the show.

Speaker 6 So it's a pretty standard pretty standard fanny pack two pockets I got some uh CBD rub on for

Speaker 6 for your uh for whatever hurts

Speaker 6 got myself a little nature's bakery fig bar raspberry arguably the best flavor of fig bar

Speaker 6 I got my lucky five. I went to my first trip club two weeks ago in Austin.
The Velvet, was it? The

Speaker 6 rose. Red rose.
Red Rose. Holy shit.

Speaker 6 i mean okay i they i didn't get a dance but i found a five and i was like

Speaker 6 and let's just say it still smells like whatever it was

Speaker 6 got some fluffs

Speaker 6 Got some weed, which I'm looking hopefully to smoke with you guys after the show. I've never smoked weed either.
So I told myself, if I get pulled out of the bucket, I'm getting fucking high tonight.

Speaker 6 and I'll get so high and then my allergies are kicking in so clear damn

Speaker 6 got some loose tumes I got some loose tumes

Speaker 6 cuz

Speaker 6 because you never know when you're gonna get fucking diarrhea right red band

Speaker 6 oh and then I got I went to Vegas about a month ago for my buddy's bachelor party and they already split up because he fucking we went to this donkey show and

Speaker 6 he didn't do anything with the donkey but

Speaker 6 but he was like

Speaker 6 he got wild. And he's there, so they're splitting up.

Speaker 78 You have it. Something fell.

Speaker 6 Something. Oh, I don't got more tums, bitch.

Speaker 6 And then, so we stayed in the Tropic Cannon in Las Vegas.

Speaker 6 Oh, shit, I thought I was about to get beat up by a blind guy.

Speaker 6 So that's it. What's up, Doc? Chair.
So that's it.

Speaker 30 That might be one of my favorite cases of what's in that fanny pack that I've ever seen.

Speaker 6 Joel McHale should host that.

Speaker 10 I don't know. Wow.

Speaker 104 You really love Joel McHale. Pretty good.

Speaker 6 He's a good actor.

Speaker 58 Amazing stuff.

Speaker 10 I thought the,

Speaker 86 I thought when you go into a strip club with cash and then you give it, I wasn't, I don't think it comes back this way.

Speaker 10 Jeremy, how did you?

Speaker 6 Oh, I found it. I didn't.
There was a girl. She got up from dancing.
It fell out. Fucking find her sleepers.

Speaker 6 Oh, I'm not going to take a bite to harvell that wasn't that strippers buddy okay

Speaker 139 okay

Speaker 10 jeremy you're right you're right talked about uh

Speaker 6 your mom's boyfriend i fucking hate this guy

Speaker 6 his name's jerry so my folks split like when i was like 10 and thanks for bringing it up and it was

Speaker 6 i mean it fucking sucked it fucking sucks i'm gonna be honest it fucking sucked but

Speaker 15 What's your relationship with Jerry like?

Speaker 6 He just sucked. He's like, he's just not even, even, he's not a good guy.

Speaker 6 He's always like, I'm going to fuck you, Muhammad.

Speaker 96 He says that to you?

Speaker 6 Yes. And I'm like, you can do it.
You don't have to tell me you're going to do it. Just do it.
I know you're doing it.

Speaker 6 You're in my room while I'm sleeping doing it. I know you're doing it.

Speaker 6 Yeah, it's but it's really he's just not a good guy.

Speaker 6 And but she's she's picks the losers and I fucking and I always talk shit and he always fucking he gets physical with he doesn't push me, but he always does this shit. Fuck you know he does that shit.

Speaker 6 And I don't know if you've ever been eating fucking your fucking cereal and somebody's like, shut up.

Speaker 97 No.

Speaker 10 Never.

Speaker 27 Wait a second.

Speaker 8 Uh-oh. I'm like, okay, stay with me.

Speaker 6 This no joke, I live in San Antonio. This no joke happened two weeks ago.
I wake up, I go downstairs, fuck going downstairs, right?

Speaker 6 I fucking take a shit, I go get some fucking fruit loops, favorite cereal, what's up? And I'm sitting down, I'm fucking slamming with the fruit loops, and you fucking out here,

Speaker 6 and I was like, fuck. And he comes downstairs and he goes, what's up, bitch?

Speaker 6 And I fucking spilled my fruit loops. And then I bent down to pick him up.
And he got down on the floor and goes, fucking eat that shit off the floor.

Speaker 6 I was like, that's a little aggressive, Jerry. I'm just going to go fucking back to my room.
He fucking ran around the hallway and met me on the other side of the bathroom.

Speaker 6 And I fucking, right at the bottom of the staircase, I opened my eyes because I went scared. I close my eyes when I run.
And

Speaker 6 I get around the corner and I open my eyes and I go, oh shit. And he goes, fuck up, you think I was going to fucking just disappear on you?

Speaker 6 So I fucking hate him. And because I want to rap, I want to be a rapper.
And he always tells me.

Speaker 27 Wait, what? Okay.

Speaker 6 So I go, can I,

Speaker 6 I haven't rapped live and I haven't, so I was like, you know, and he's like, you fucking, because you fucking,

Speaker 51 oh, God.

Speaker 6 You fucking can't. You fucking can't.

Speaker 138 Oh, Michael, you missed another one.

Speaker 9 Oh, you fucking can't.

Speaker 6 So he's always just so discouraging about me trying to do anything positive with my life. And so I hit him for that too.
I'm like, I'm gonna rap, and one day I'm gonna rap.

Speaker 6 Most of my raps consist of like, you know, I'm gonna fucking kill Jerry someday, you know.

Speaker 6 Wait, hit me real quick. You have a rap?

Speaker 27 Are you about to ladies and gentlemen rapping?

Speaker 23 Calling his own shots, Jeremy, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 23 Yo,

Speaker 23 yo, yo,

Speaker 6 I'll get into bed. Put my fucking therapeutic pillow on my head.

Speaker 6 I'm gonna sleep tight.

Speaker 6 I'm gonna sleep right with my night light. Psych,

Speaker 6 I'm touching my dick

Speaker 6 to your mom's sweet titch.

Speaker 6 I'm gonna come in your serial. Welcome to your happy bill.
This is how we throw. This is how we roll.
Don't meet me in the streets. I've got the meets.
If you see me naked, I'ma fuck you up.

Speaker 53 You best believe me.

Speaker 6 That's what's up.

Speaker 1 Wow. Jeremy.

Speaker 6 Jack watched up.

Speaker 39 Jeremy, you're so in touch with the band and music.

Speaker 107 It is incredible.

Speaker 12 I wouldn't have guessed that.

Speaker 6 She's got to listen.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 6 You just got to follow the beat, Tony.

Speaker 37 I'm learning a lot from you here tonight, Jeremy.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I fucking hate it. I hate him.
I don't know. I just wanted to be happy.

Speaker 34 You have a phone on you?

Speaker 6 Yeah, you guys locked it up, though.

Speaker 63 Yeah, of course. You're a bucket pool.

Speaker 77 You're a hazard.

Speaker 39 I mean, anything could happen here.

Speaker 77 This is a real show.

Speaker 95 But you do have

Speaker 29 your mom's boyfriend's phone number, right?

Speaker 6 Oh, I have to have it in case of emergency.

Speaker 18 Can we unlock Jeremy's phone?

Speaker 22 How many of you think we should call the guy that's fucking his mom, huh?

Speaker 22 Oh, hi.

Speaker 62 All right, kind of a lackluster applause from the audience on that, even though.

Speaker 37 How about another hand for the lovely Heidi, huh?

Speaker 27 Thanks, Heidi.

Speaker 6 Oh, he's got it. Oh, fuck.
I don't think it's just a good idea, Tony.

Speaker 106 So you're going to put it on speakerphone after you hit it, and then you're going to put the...

Speaker 123 Okay.

Speaker 6 Yeah, or I could call him for real, Red Band.

Speaker 138 Yeah, the phone doesn't ring when you call somebody, Red Band.

Speaker 35 I've been meaning to tell you that for 11 and a half years, but.

Speaker 66 Okay.

Speaker 6 I haven't talked to him in like a week, so he's going to be. All right, here we go.

Speaker 39 All right, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 81 There you go.

Speaker 50 Fucking piece of shit.

Speaker 146 What's up, little tits?

Speaker 6 Fuck you, Jerry.

Speaker 146 What's up? What do you want?

Speaker 6 I don't know. I'm on this show, and then I should call you to say what's up.

Speaker 146 Oh, yeah, well, I already said what's up. So what else? Do you have anything new to say?

Speaker 6 Just I'm a fucking...

Speaker 50 you better fucking watch where you sleep, bitch.

Speaker 51 Yeah, why?

Speaker 146 Why you think you're gonna be able to do something about it?

Speaker 6 Yeah, I'm gonna do something about it.

Speaker 76 Yeah.

Speaker 146 What are you?

Speaker 83 You're gonna go cry to your neighbor?

Speaker 146 Little 14-year-old neighbor you got?

Speaker 6 He's fucking his name's Tanner and he's fucking wise for his age.

Speaker 83 Yeah, he's wise to you, I'm sure.

Speaker 6 He's fucking fucking dude.

Speaker 10 Tanner could fuck my mom better than you could.

Speaker 66 Dude, Oh, is that right? Is that right?

Speaker 146 Well, that's not what she said yesterday.

Speaker 6 That's not what she said last week. Stop telling me that you fuck her.

Speaker 83 Dude, I have to.

Speaker 146 She has needs, bud.

Speaker 53 I've been telling you that

Speaker 131 you never, you'll never be my fucking dad.

Speaker 146 Why do you keep calling me that by the way? I am your dad. Your other dad doesn't want you.
I barely want you, but at least I'm here.

Speaker 27 Yeah, well,

Speaker 139 that's your opinion

Speaker 6 I got I got 500 friends at the comedy mothership right now that would love to suck you or that would love to

Speaker 6 Let me take that again. They would love to fucking fuck you up dude

Speaker 6 Do I got the TV on? No, I'm outside. I got 500 friends.

Speaker 146 You don't have 500 friends. You'll never have 500 friends.
We all know that.

Speaker 143 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 6 We all know that.

Speaker 118 You're so fucking.

Speaker 53 Oh,

Speaker 146 your mom's actually calling me in the other room and I think.

Speaker 6 Fuck you, Jerry. Farm until you date.

Speaker 27 Wow. Sorry, I panicked.

Speaker 6 There he is.

Speaker 110 Amazing.

Speaker 73 The courage that it takes to call the man who's fucking your mother on this show is incredible.

Speaker 6 It is what it is.

Speaker 147 And that's what's up.

Speaker 86 Should've been nicer to him if he gave you that whole outfit to wear.

Speaker 6 Yeah, he did bury me these fucking Jordans. That was pretty sweet.

Speaker 92 I'm going to tell you what, Jeremy.

Speaker 118 This is an

Speaker 84 incredible set, an incredible interview.

Speaker 6 Honored to be on the show. Thanks for having me, Motorship.
You guys are fucking unbelievable, dude.

Speaker 6 I've been watching this show for fucking like six years. I live in San Antonio.
I fucking love William. I fucking, I wrote, I thought I was going to see Hans Kim tonight.
I wrote a joke.

Speaker 6 If I saw him, I was going to be like, Hans, if you're here, who's cutting me off in traffic without signaling?

Speaker 6 I was going to, I had a whole fucking, and I fucking didn't get to see him, but I fucking love this show, and I just honored to be fucking, I'm honored to fucking meet you, Tony.

Speaker 128 I'm glad that you love the show, and I'm glad that you're a fan, because that probably means that probably means that what's about to happen to you is going to be a life-changing moment.

Speaker 108 Because, Jeremy, I would like to award you a golden ticket, everybody.

Speaker 90 Wow,

Speaker 57 and you know what else?

Speaker 96 I've never done this before, especially for somebody who it's their first time on the show.

Speaker 57 But you know what, Jeremy?

Speaker 102 Why don't you come sit right here and join us for the rest of the show on panel?

Speaker 11 Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jeremy, Jeremy,

Speaker 53 Jeremy has joined the show. Hey!

Speaker 53 Oh,

Speaker 53 a loose tongue.

Speaker 53 Here he comes. Whoa.

Speaker 6 Come here, Jeremy.

Speaker 101 Welcome to the show.

Speaker 110 Amazing. It's a big day.

Speaker 10 Wow. What?

Speaker 43 What? Thank you for the lime.

Speaker 27 For the lime?

Speaker 6 Oh, it's a tongue.

Speaker 29 Our fan base is so stupid.

Speaker 111 She She thought it was a lime.

Speaker 131 An actual lime.

Speaker 6 She thought a tum was a fucking fruit, don't you? Yeah.

Speaker 10 It's an absolutely amazing.

Speaker 64 Is a singular tums a tum?

Speaker 6 That's a great.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I think more than two tums is tums.

Speaker 90 Oh. Oh.
Wow.

Speaker 10 Call me an Uber.

Speaker 6 About a gift.

Speaker 27 How in the world?

Speaker 107 How in the world did Heidi know what Jeremy's drink is?

Speaker 6 How do you know what a blog? Well, I have a blog, www.jeremydrinks this on mondays.com. So I bet Heidi subscribes

Speaker 18 Jeremy. We're gonna get back to this bucket with you.

Speaker 33 How about one more time for Jeremy, ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 22 And we're here with John Chris and the panel debut of Jeremy. Your next bucket pull.
We're gonna meet them all together.

Speaker 20 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Chris DiOreo.

Speaker 117 Chris Diorio.

Speaker 148 All right, so growing up, I had a very weird senior prom, and my date, she did not have a good night at all.

Speaker 148 Now, to be fair, she wasn't the prettiest girl in the whole world, but man, her body

Speaker 46 still hasn't been found.

Speaker 51 Hope she's doing well.

Speaker 148 Speaking of bodies, I'm feeling kind of sad because I realized recently that we could have cut the obesity epidemic in this country in half if we had just put that transgender person on a can of Mountain Dew instead.

Speaker 58 Listen,

Speaker 148 say what you want, but if we got rednecks to boycott Mountain Dew,

Speaker 148 this whole country would be a CrossFit gym within six months, all right?

Speaker 148 And listen, I never got the whole Bud Light controversy, okay?

Speaker 148 I just thought they were trying to promote safe drinking, right?

Speaker 148 Like you go out with your boys, you drink your Bud Lights, Lights, you look down at the can, and as soon as Dylan Mulvaney looks fuckable,

Speaker 108 time to go home, boys.

Speaker 51 Time to go home.

Speaker 148 Thank you so much. I'm Chris DiOreo.

Speaker 111 All right, Chris DiOreo pushing me to the limit there.

Speaker 121 How's it going, Chris? How are you?

Speaker 77 Doing well, thank you so much.

Speaker 9 First time on the show, right?

Speaker 10 Yes, sir, absolutely.

Speaker 26 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 108 About four years.

Speaker 72 All right. How old are you?

Speaker 133 42.

Speaker 77 42. What made you start at 38?

Speaker 39 That's how old Jeremy is.

Speaker 9 He just started.

Speaker 148 Yeah, Jeremy, you humbled me out there, man. It was great.

Speaker 150 Thanks, brother.

Speaker 148 I started for a charity. I did a charity event, an open mic competition for a charity event.
The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, shout out to them.

Speaker 51 Okay.

Speaker 148 And yeah, I got hooked ever since and been about four years now.

Speaker 13 Okay, I love it. Well, how do you make a living?

Speaker 148 I got laid off recently, so I make a living off my wife paying for me to do things like this.

Speaker 108 What does your wife do?

Speaker 148 She's in marketing. She's a marketing executive.

Speaker 43 What did you do before you got laid off?

Speaker 46 I was in IT sales.

Speaker 123 Okay.

Speaker 32 What do you do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that?

Speaker 148 Yeah, I got a ton of stuff I like to do.

Speaker 46 I travel a lot.

Speaker 148 I'm big into whiskey. Big whiskey guy.

Speaker 76 Ooh.

Speaker 76 Yeah.

Speaker 149 Big bourbon guy.

Speaker 148 Yeah, a lot of volunteering with charities. Wow.

Speaker 10 You work a lot with charities.

Speaker 9 I do, yeah.

Speaker 14 What's your dark side?

Speaker 52 I found in my research that people that work a lot in charities tend to have like a, you know, like Jerry Sandusky was huge into charities.

Speaker 27 Oh, man, yeah.

Speaker 149 I'm all fucked up.

Speaker 149 Yeah.

Speaker 108 I'm a military veteran, too.

Speaker 148 I was an Air Force guy, so that's probably where it all started.

Speaker 152 Oh, nice.

Speaker 149 And then

Speaker 108 what did you do in the Air Force?

Speaker 148 So it's called Disaster Response, Disaster Preparedness. I joined right before 9/11.

Speaker 10 Oh, perfect time.

Speaker 150 Yeah, yeah. And then.

Speaker 6 Shout out.

Speaker 27 Yeah, thank you. Yeah.

Speaker 73 Shout outs to 9-11.

Speaker 10 It's coming right around the corner.

Speaker 112 You have open wounds on your face, Jeremy.

Speaker 108 Or open sores.

Speaker 77 This is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 6 Yeah, COVID really took a toll on everybody.

Speaker 6 I have a question. Yeah.

Speaker 134 Yes, sir.

Speaker 6 So let's say I get a woman to come back to my apartment.

Speaker 6 What do I do?

Speaker 46 Now we're going to the super hypothetical here.

Speaker 10 We're talking things that may and probably will never happen, but uh theoretical variety you got probably i'd probably drug her to be honest with you no what give your what else sort of advice do you have other than that yeah what do you give your actual advice like what what would you what do you do what's your tricks to uh

Speaker 149 you know how do you for play how do you please your wife yeah i'm i'm funny fortunately so that's about all it takes and uh she's got a great sense of humor but you can't you can't come inside her with punchlines you know what i'm saying

Speaker 6 like i'm saying like what do i do do i start with my fingers or my fucking head like what do I do

Speaker 148 I'd start with your personality that's that yeah yeah start with personality and then uh physically though like what do I physically you know saying yeah what do you physically yeah lower back you start with the lower back that's that yeah the lower back is like it's like the man's stomach that's the key to a woman's like push on it or what just gently yeah gently push on it well push her yeah push her a little bit towards the bedroom Oh God, okay, so

Speaker 151 yeah, kind of gently just she'll figure it out what you're trying to do real quick.

Speaker 148 You know, just kind of

Speaker 6 say something like what's going on here. Aren't you getting sleepy or something?

Speaker 6 Feels like it's about time to go watch some Hulu, wouldn't you say?

Speaker 6 And then just fucking push her or what?

Speaker 148 I start with like a, where were you on 9-11 as you're kind of pushing your

Speaker 108 towards the bedroom.

Speaker 6 So dirty talk.

Speaker 10 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 38 Chris DiOreo, what's the most interesting thing about you?

Speaker 148 Let's see, in addition to being a veteran, I'm a certified firefighter and a Scottish lord.

Speaker 10 So you're. Theoretically, yep.

Speaker 26 You've you've been in the service.

Speaker 38 Yes, sir. You're a volunteer firefighter.

Speaker 28 Yes, sir. You do a bunch of work with charity.

Speaker 40 Yes, sir.

Speaker 43 So where are the bodies hidden?

Speaker 99 Yeah.

Speaker 148 Near my high school, near my old high school, actually. A lot of them.

Speaker 148 No, I'm just kidding. I'm actually, I'm a nice guy.

Speaker 27 Okay.

Speaker 93 What's the meanest thing you've ever done to somebody?

Speaker 149 Holy shit.

Speaker 78 He's like, killed a guy.

Speaker 10 A lot of it.

Speaker 149 That may not be mean, depending on the the person, though, right?

Speaker 51 Theoretically? Yeah.

Speaker 28 You have real charity energies.

Speaker 35 I mean, it's like

Speaker 16 I can tell that you're used to making people laugh that aren't used to laughing.

Speaker 10 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 75 Because the people here are used to laughing, and it's kind of like.

Speaker 51 They're really good at it, yeah, thank you. Yeah, totally.

Speaker 6 You look like you come in your socks and then you wear them.

Speaker 51 Well, when you're

Speaker 6 takes one to know one. Good traction.

Speaker 6 And that's what's up

Speaker 6 I'm bringing that back too

Speaker 91 Chris do you figure out

Speaker 46 yes, sir. Yeah,

Speaker 71 John?

Speaker 86 Well, I just when he when he does like S's and P's with it it just I get spit on

Speaker 151 It just kind of gets right here

Speaker 6 I'll turn this way. You have a you have a you're in the splash zone, bitch

Speaker 6 You chose to come to the show.

Speaker 6 Sorry, I'll try to, I'll try to. Sorry, John.
Yes, it's that one.

Speaker 71 Well, well, you well, maybe

Speaker 6 change your last name, Christ. That's really tough for me to fucking say.

Speaker 6 Maybe you could have been John Connor from Terminator.

Speaker 131 Is that the Terminator soundtrack?

Speaker 51 Wow.

Speaker 6 Sorry, I'm really sorry, though.

Speaker 78 Yeah, don't say sorry, though, because

Speaker 153 I apologize.

Speaker 6 Catch on me.

Speaker 49 Chris.

Speaker 51 Yes, sir.

Speaker 56 Weirdest thing in your refrigerator right now.

Speaker 51 Ooh, probably

Speaker 46 some of those probiotic little bottles.

Speaker 152 But you're expired.

Speaker 51 You have a big belly.

Speaker 15 What do you attribute?

Speaker 9 How do you have that?

Speaker 133 Yeah, that's

Speaker 148 so the way I got the Scottish lordship was I drank enough whiskey to buy a square foot of land in Scotland You bought a square foot of land with points from drinking whiskey And they made me a lord like the old Scottish way, you know when you drank your way to the top

Speaker 108 so that's probably where this came from also my wife and I we're hoping to have a kid soon so this is like a pre-sympathy belly you're about to have a kid we're no we're hoping to I have you been coming inside of her yeah yeah when I can how long have you been how many times have you done that?

Speaker 6 So fucking awesome.

Speaker 26 How many attempts?

Speaker 47 You got to try it sometime, Rhodes.

Speaker 101 How many times have you had to guess, give or take, honest answer here?

Speaker 26 How many times you've come inside of your wife trying to have a child and she hasn't gotten pregnant yet? How many times have you tried?

Speaker 46 Probably about 20.

Speaker 82 That's it?

Speaker 148 Yeah, we got married kind of recently. We weren't trying for a kid until we got married.

Speaker 46 We got married on April Fool's Day.

Speaker 32 On April Fool's Day.

Speaker 81 Yes, sir. You got married.

Speaker 58 Yes, sir.

Speaker 39 20 times since April 1st?

Speaker 149 Well, I'll try and have a baby, yeah.

Speaker 46 I travel a lot, and she does, too.

Speaker 65 Okay. This year, this April.

Speaker 46 Yes, sir.

Speaker 6 You have any names picked out for the baby?

Speaker 148 Yeah, Chris or Christine, probably.

Speaker 51 Wow.

Speaker 46 Big, giant egomaniac. Yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 43 All right, Chris. Here's a little joke book.

Speaker 29 Thank you so much. Congratulations.

Speaker 6 Great job, dude.

Speaker 12 The Kill Tony debut of Chris Giorio, everybody.

Speaker 6 And yo, here's a tone for the road.

Speaker 71 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 18 I could tell he's going to need that.

Speaker 56 Great job.

Speaker 75 He's going to want that.

Speaker 18 You know what? Let's get another one of our regulars up here, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 18 This guy, a fucking sensation.

Speaker 54 Everybody loves him. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the unstoppable Cam Patterson, everybody.

Speaker 6 So, uh, writing this minute was kind of hard, and I don't really got nothing, but I got

Speaker 6 I don't got too much right now, but I got something in my notes and I'm trying to figure out.

Speaker 6 So, if anybody can help me, I just put uh, you gotta really be gay to like men, because women got assholes too.

Speaker 142 I don't know where I'm going with that yet,

Speaker 6 but it's pretty fucking funny, though.

Speaker 6 Cause you just wanting to go to hell. That's on you, brother.
They got the same asshole. You could have closed, you could have blindfolded gay nigga and showed him two different assholes.

Speaker 6 He wouldn't know the difference. There'd be no way.

Speaker 142 It's like, I was at, when I was in,

Speaker 6 when I first fucked the girl when I was 17, and she told me to fuck in her ass. And I said, no, that's gay, right?

Speaker 142 And I went to work the next day, and all my coworkers was like, why you ain't do it, nigga, when you get older, you're going, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 6 You don't know that's not gay. And I'm like, you get older, you just become gay.
That's That's crazy, right?

Speaker 6 That's pretty fucking insane. I don't understand.
I don't understand it. I will tell you this, though.

Speaker 142 I'm pretty, I like lesbians.

Speaker 6 Lesbians is cool. Lesbian's pretty cool.
Because, like, what's better than one piss it?

Speaker 143 Two. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 51 That's fine.

Speaker 6 That'll work, nigga. I'm done.

Speaker 143 All right. Hell yeah.

Speaker 58 Amazing.

Speaker 59 That'll work.

Speaker 102 Comes out, says he doesn't have it, and then has it.

Speaker 144 Not really.

Speaker 6 I had the beginning of something. Everything else was just bullshit, but it's all right.

Speaker 118 That's we figured it out.

Speaker 72 No, yeah.

Speaker 51 It's great. It worked.

Speaker 10 Fucking worked.

Speaker 143 Hell yeah.

Speaker 32 Cam, the man.

Speaker 106 Jeremy, you've seen Cam before you're a big fan.

Speaker 34 I can tell you can't even make eye contact with him right now.

Speaker 6 Oh, yeah. You're so fucking funny, dude.

Speaker 143 What do you do? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I want to say all that right back to you, but I can't do it.

Speaker 6 And it doesn't have any S's in it either, so it's double.

Speaker 6 It sucks. I really want to say that.

Speaker 6 But you're so fucking funny, dude. The two butthole thing, I've actually thought about that too, not, but I never thought about it as a a joke, but as a show.
And what?

Speaker 6 Because I'm always, I have, I always make up shows that Joe McHale could host. And whose butthole is that?

Speaker 116 Who is the hole?

Speaker 6 Everyone said what

Speaker 6 the Joe McHale. You know what that is?

Speaker 6 What'd he do? Gene? That's disrespectful. How many white people, bro? What did he do?

Speaker 6 What did you? Oh, okay. The soup, animal control, Mad Singer.

Speaker 6 Fucking community.

Speaker 27 The soup.

Speaker 6 The silk soup. The soup.
Yeah.

Speaker 27 The what? The soup. The what?

Speaker 10 What? Hold on. Where'd she go?

Speaker 51 Where'd that girl go?

Speaker 6 So she went to go take it. Stay with me.

Speaker 139 Shit.

Speaker 143 Shit. That's funny.
I like that.

Speaker 6 That's good. Hey, game, if you're here, who's going to sell me shoe shine cleaner at the mall later?

Speaker 6 Can I tell you some funny shit?

Speaker 6 I will beef with them niggas for a long time. The mall? Yeah, I'm going shot at one of them.

Speaker 6 One time they tried to clean my slides and I was just not having a good day. And I was like, fuck nigga, I got slides on.
And so I had walked away because I just wasn't having a good time.

Speaker 6 And I walked away and I was with my sisters and shit. And I had just got a pistol for the first time.
So I was ready to shoot a nigga regardless.

Speaker 110 So we in the mall, I got a tank top on, I'm having a bad day.

Speaker 6 My sisters buy shit from the mall. I ain't buy nothing.
You know what I'm saying? So I walked back by the shoe clean nigga and he go, Fuck nigga, you ain't even buy shit, broke ass nigga.

Speaker 6 And I was like, fuck nigga, I'll kill you. And

Speaker 6 I left the mall.

Speaker 6 Was his name, Jerry, by chance?

Speaker 6 We can kill that nigga Jerry, though.

Speaker 142 I would love to. We can murder that nigga.

Speaker 6 Hell yeah.

Speaker 86 He carries a gun in his fanny pack.

Speaker 6 No way he does.

Speaker 108 Okay. Tom.
It's a tom.

Speaker 121 It's a channel.

Speaker 131 It's a big difference.

Speaker 6 It's a dumb. It's a gun for your digestive system.

Speaker 14 You almost shot a shoe shiner before?

Speaker 139 Yeah.

Speaker 66 Wow.

Speaker 6 Yeah, that was a

Speaker 6 low moment in my life. Yeah.

Speaker 89 He was black, right?

Speaker 51 No.

Speaker 116 Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 15 Yeah. It was a white shoe shiner?

Speaker 27 Nah, he was black.

Speaker 6 I didn't want to perpetuate black on black crime on TV, though. That's why I didn't want to do it.
So I tried to tell you a lie. But he was black.
He was black as hell.

Speaker 27 I love it. Pretty fucked up.

Speaker 56 What else is going on in your world?

Speaker 35 Anything else crazy?

Speaker 6 Man, I had cut my dick fucking the other day with my bracelet.

Speaker 10 Oh, my God.

Speaker 51 Wait,

Speaker 6 that can actually have a possibility?

Speaker 150 Yeah.

Speaker 122 Yeah, it could happen.

Speaker 134 Yeah.

Speaker 6 How did you why? So I spit on my hand and then I went like you understand to go.

Speaker 6 And then this shit just cut my dick, and I was bleeding and shit. Wait, I got the pushy supposed to be wet.

Speaker 134 I mean, it's supposed to be wet, yeah, but you have to get your hand. A little bit of lubricant and shit

Speaker 10 in one of them, little extra Jeremy.

Speaker 6 This shit is a lot of work.

Speaker 142 You eat that before you spit on it?

Speaker 10 I ain't talking to you, yeah.

Speaker 109 Jeremy only spits on it.

Speaker 6 She started a podcast, by the way.

Speaker 32 Cam, you did it again. We absolutely love you.

Speaker 95 You're the best.

Speaker 21 How low can this place get for Cam Patterson, huh?

Speaker 36 There you go.

Speaker 54 Jeremy, sit down, sit down. You don't have to do that.

Speaker 69 I was...

Speaker 86 Is that your first time ever being

Speaker 6 Cam Patterson live?

Speaker 86 Being called the N-word? Is that...

Speaker 122 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 6 Well, Jerry calls me it before I go to bed sometimes. But by a real black guy, yeah.
Like, that was fucking very cool.

Speaker 4 trip planner by expedia you were made to outdo your holiday

Speaker 4 your hammocking

Speaker 4 and your pooling

Speaker 154 we were made to help organize the competition expedia made to travel good night itchy eyes good night sudden sneeze good night to your symptoms of allergies Xyzole is the allergy medicine you take before bed it provides powerful relief while you rest your head not just all night but but all the next day.

Speaker 154 Zyzole keeps working, keeping allergies at bay. And without those annoying symptoms disturbing your rest, you can wake up the next morning feeling your absolute best.
Remember, be wise all.

Speaker 154 Take Zyzole at night.

Speaker 18 We got another bucket bowl. It's another one-name, one-word name.

Speaker 124 Just like you, Jeremy.

Speaker 54 It's like a theme tonight.

Speaker 18 50% of our bucket pools have been one-word names.

Speaker 20 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Benjamin, everybody.

Speaker 32 Here comes Benjamin.

Speaker 55 All right, thank you, everyone. My name is Benjamin, and I have a very weird vacation activity.
I like to get in the cars with strangers, hitchhiking. I know you guys are looking at me.

Speaker 55 I'm thinking the same thing. I wouldn't pick me up either.
But I've hitchhiked all over the world, and I've seen some strange shit. Like in Mongolia, I got in a car, there was no floor,

Speaker 55 just two wooden planks. How do you design your car based off of the the flintstones? I would just think of the whole time, we're Yabba Dabba screwed.

Speaker 55 Have to think about that one. One thing I did enjoy about it, good cab workout.

Speaker 10 I also

Speaker 55 So I also

Speaker 55 speak another language. I speak Chinese.
A lot of people look at me. They're like, you're American.

Speaker 68 How does that work?

Speaker 55 I only thought you spoke freedom. But I do speak Chinese.
Very difficult language. Like, for example, take these two words, kojiao and kojiao.
Sounds the same. Very different.

Speaker 55 One of them is face masks.

Speaker 27 The other one is blowjob.

Speaker 55 I was very confused at that Chinese spa.

Speaker 55 Yeah, they asked if I wanted a face mask. I pulled my pants down.

Speaker 10 No happy ending. There you go.
Thank you.

Speaker 31 Benjamin, Benjamin, Benjamin.

Speaker 36 Wow.

Speaker 102 Hello, Benjamin.

Speaker 131 Hey, what's going on, Tom?

Speaker 28 How's it going? What is going on?

Speaker 39 That's a great question.

Speaker 155 So let's talk about it.

Speaker 41 How long have you been doing stand-up, Benjamin?

Speaker 55 About three years.

Speaker 72 Three years?

Speaker 51 Where at?

Speaker 55 Lithuania.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 128 How long have you been doing it in America?

Speaker 146 One day.

Speaker 18 One day. So you must be funnier in Lithuanian.

Speaker 55 Oh, yeah, much funnier.

Speaker 56 How does it do a joke in Lithuanian?

Speaker 55 Labas, Monovartes, Ben, Jumen,

Speaker 95 Was that Yabba Dabba do doing

Speaker 29 you left a long pause after the Flintstones joke while people were laughing at how unbelievably stupid the joke was?

Speaker 123 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 6 Oh, I disagree.

Speaker 6 You loved it. I thought that was the best joke.
Yaba-dabba, don't not do that joke anymore.

Speaker 71 Thank you. Keep doing it.

Speaker 69 Thank you. Yabba Dabba, don't not do that joke anymore.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I was trying to figure out how to tell him to keep doing it while also having some fun with that word.

Speaker 6 Are you a Flintster?

Speaker 93 Did you think about perhaps saying Yabba Dabba, do keep doing that joke?

Speaker 6 Not until just now, Tony.

Speaker 8 Hey,

Speaker 8 what?

Speaker 6 Are you a Flintstones fan?

Speaker 27 Oh, love the Flintstones.

Speaker 10 Who's your...

Speaker 6 Okay, a little Flintstones trivia.

Speaker 27 Oh,

Speaker 29 ladies and gentlemen, this is Flintstones trivia.

Speaker 27 Here we go. I'm probably gonna fill out this.

Speaker 6 Well, what's up, guys? My name is Jeremy. Welcome back to Do You Know the Flintstones?

Speaker 6 I'm here with Vladi Debot.

Speaker 10 And

Speaker 6 sorry, I already forgot. What was your first name again?

Speaker 10 Benjamin. Benjamin.

Speaker 6 Is he Lithuanian? He's Dugas Lobby.

Speaker 27 No.

Speaker 6 Vladi Debots is Yugoslavian. He knows.

Speaker 51 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 55 No, they asked me if I was Lithuanian.

Speaker 71 I was like, no. Right.

Speaker 6 Let's just get... Okay.
You ready to play

Speaker 6 with Flintstones?

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 6 Who is Mary DeWilma?

Speaker 27 Fred.

Speaker 6 Lucky guess.

Speaker 6 What does Fred scream every time he gets his Fruity Pebbles stolen?

Speaker 10 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 6 If you lose, Cam's going to come out here and shoot you.

Speaker 10 All right, shoot me.

Speaker 6 No, so have you seen Fruity Pebbles commercials?

Speaker 119 I've seen the Fruity Pebbles commercials.

Speaker 10 There you go.

Speaker 6 He's like red, lime, yellow, orange, lemon, lime, and lead. And to get the fruity pebbles, I gotta trick Fred.
Who's trying to trick Fred?

Speaker 47 Oh, wait, Barney.

Speaker 6 Barney's trying to trick me. He got it right.
Give it up for him. He got it right.

Speaker 6 Last one. You're two for two.
Last one. What is the name of the bird that does the dick? The Dutch dishes.

Speaker 6 The bird, what is the name of the bird? You guys seen Flintstones? So you know when they open the dishwasher and it's a fucking bird and he's like oh now i gotta do the dishes again

Speaker 6 who the fuck is that guy is it the pterodactyl i don't know yeah but what's his fucking name

Speaker 6 washing man who the washing bird the fuck if i know hit me with a with a buzzer red man

Speaker 61 there you go that's a

Speaker 28 red man with a buzzer here you go not even on this gonna be worse

Speaker 51 there you go yep

Speaker 6 That'll have to do.

Speaker 10 Fucking wrong, bitch.

Speaker 6 His name is Alan.

Speaker 78 Should have known that.

Speaker 55 I'm sure he made that shit up.

Speaker 153 Thanks for playing.

Speaker 27 Hey.

Speaker 27 Thank you.

Speaker 43 All right. Here you go.

Speaker 38 Here's a little joke book.

Speaker 23 There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Benjamin.

Speaker 26 I'm going to keep this fun train moving along.

Speaker 94 Sure, here you go.

Speaker 18 Here, you know what? Get back up there for a second.

Speaker 40 I have a couple more questions for you.

Speaker 108 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 55 I actually, so I teach English and I actually run a comedy club in Lithuania.

Speaker 128 You run a comedy club in Lithuania? Yeah.

Speaker 32 How long have you been in Lithuania?

Speaker 10 Three years. How did you end up there?

Speaker 55 I'm a yes man. Someone asked me if I want to live there and I said, all right.

Speaker 84 Someone asked you if you wanted to live in Lithuania.

Speaker 43 Who's the someone?

Speaker 55 A good friend of mine. It's a very long story.
So I was doing my master's degree in China, and one of my best friends was Lithuanian there, and he said, why don't you come live in Lithuania?

Speaker 51 I'm like, all right.

Speaker 153 Didn't do any research.

Speaker 15 So how did it go? What's the question?

Speaker 6 I thought you said it was a long story.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 6 I was making it short for you.

Speaker 10 Oh, all right.

Speaker 125 What's Lithuania like?

Speaker 38 Tell us what's different about Lithuania and America.

Speaker 55 Lithuanian is a very interesting country. It's like this duality.
Like, actually, it recently came out. It's a top happiest country in the world for people 30 and below.

Speaker 55 And also number one in the EU for suicide.

Speaker 75 Don't go to your comedy club.

Speaker 51 Oh no.

Speaker 35 And it's wait.

Speaker 58 Number one for suicide?

Speaker 55 Suicide in the EU.

Speaker 15 Jerry, I should have waited.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 81 Those are the people that go to your comedy club.

Speaker 147 There you go. See, it's amazing.

Speaker 55 I've been trying to reduce the numbers of suicide there through murder.

Speaker 6 I have a question.

Speaker 134 Do you...

Speaker 6 Who is the like? Who's like the fucking Dane Cook of Lithuania? Like, who's your fucking

Speaker 15 shirt?

Speaker 22 I'm pretty sure you're looking at him, Jerry.

Speaker 55 It's just me and three other people. That's it?

Speaker 146 Total comedians?

Speaker 55 Oh, no. Lithuanian comedians is like them, but

Speaker 78 there's like Oleg Sharai would be the Dane Cook.

Speaker 6 Oleg Scribe?

Speaker 10 Sharai.

Speaker 6 And he's like the best?

Speaker 86 I would say he's one of the best.

Speaker 6 That's awesome. Is there like a secret show there like Redband has?

Speaker 106 You have any special skills or talents or hobbies or anything?

Speaker 10 Me? Yeah.

Speaker 15 Yes, you.

Speaker 125 You're the one that's up there, yeah?

Speaker 55 I gotta gotta make sure. I was like.

Speaker 112 There he goes, everybody. There goes Benjamin.

Speaker 113 We're gonna keep it moving along.

Speaker 59 Me.

Speaker 59 Me.

Speaker 102 That's a first in the show's history, I do believe.

Speaker 67 Me?

Speaker 39 He said.

Speaker 101 He goes, me?

Speaker 32 How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? I think I need that tonight.

Speaker 23 Alright, your next comedian, we know this guy.

Speaker 22 He works here at the mothership, a very solid local comedian.

Speaker 155 Make some noise for Adam Lucky, everybody.

Speaker 20 It's been a long time since he's been on this show.

Speaker 21 Here's the new minute from Adam Lucky.

Speaker 98 I've been doing some fucking.

Speaker 145 I'm pretty great, A alpha fucker. I do lay it down pretty good for a guy with resting.
I will follow you home, face.

Speaker 118 I fucking will, ladies.

Speaker 145 Take that to the grave, which will be tonight, if you play your cards right.

Speaker 51 I um

Speaker 145 very generous lover. A lot of people tell me because a lot of times when I have sex with a woman, I'll let her live.
And I think that's pretty badass.

Speaker 145 I like dirty time. I never understood the concept of talking to her sex.
Because a lot of times when you have sex with a woman and you talk, it'll wake her up. And then it's just like, hey,

Speaker 67 boo.

Speaker 58 Gross.

Speaker 145 Man about that. I don't know.
I guess. No means no.
I'm all about that. But if they can't say no, Kobe.
Am I right, guys?

Speaker 145 It's fine. You can make jokes about Kobe.
He wasn't as perfect as everyone thought. I was a real strict parent, real helicopter dad.

Speaker 107 That's what I am.

Speaker 145 It's fine. You're allowed to do it.
He's black.

Speaker 144 Okay.

Speaker 145 Fuck yeah. Is that on a band? Oh, there it is.

Speaker 10 All right. Hell yeah.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 96 Adam Lucky.

Speaker 60 Welcome back, Adam.

Speaker 119 What's up, Tony?

Speaker 34 It's been a long time since you've been on this show.

Speaker 73 You've been on many times, Bulken, here, everywhere, right?

Speaker 100 Yeah, I think four years ago was the last time. I just moved to Austin when I did it.

Speaker 43 Yeah, sounds about right.

Speaker 55 How's life been going for you? Tell us about it.

Speaker 145 I'm working here.

Speaker 145 My My wife ended up getting a job being manager of the Creek in the Cave, so that's a pretty badass.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 145 We have a daughter, and she's doing good.

Speaker 71 How old's your daughter?

Speaker 115 She's five.

Speaker 89 Five. Incredible.

Speaker 81 So you're a father, even though you look like a grandmother.

Speaker 145 I know, I thought I looked like an Adam Ray character.

Speaker 58 Wait,

Speaker 58 who's Adam Ray?

Speaker 58 It might be me. Maybe it's me.

Speaker 27 If you were him, that'd be fucking wild, dude.

Speaker 6 That'd be fucking.

Speaker 96 It actually is.

Speaker 95 You know how long he had to be in hair and makeup to look like you, Adam?

Speaker 58 That's exactly what I was doing. Just kidding.

Speaker 107 This isn't Adam, right?

Speaker 58 It's

Speaker 27 cherry.

Speaker 6 We'll edit this out. So.

Speaker 6 What is your favorite joke of yours? Because I really liked your opener, which meant you came out with good energy.

Speaker 6 You're super likable.

Speaker 145 I have this one joke where I just name off every word that rhymes with trigger, and I really think that's pretty badass.

Speaker 58 Whoa, okay, let's hear that.

Speaker 27 Let's go with it, Adam.

Speaker 10 How does that go?

Speaker 145 I can't remember it. I haven't done it in a long time.

Speaker 145 I forgot the punchline to it. My bad.

Speaker 6 Okay. You ever seen the Flintstones?

Speaker 138 No, Jeremy.

Speaker 43 We can flintstones everybody.

Speaker 64 All the things that rhyme with Trigger, that could be a Joel McHill show.

Speaker 10 Ooh. Ooh.

Speaker 6 Oh, my goodness. Should we call Joe McHill?

Speaker 66 Oh, wow.

Speaker 135 Uh-oh.

Speaker 114 Here we go.

Speaker 51 Adam,

Speaker 40 is your five-year-old smart?

Speaker 145 I guess. I mean, she's a kid.
She's kind of a child. She's talking sometimes.

Speaker 118 Yeah, she talks.

Speaker 78 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 43 What's she talking about?

Speaker 145 Nonsense. She spends 40 minutes telling me that she likes Bluey, so that's pretty cool.

Speaker 58 What's Bluey?

Speaker 145 It's a show that kids and retarded adults watch.

Speaker 19 Okay. Do you watch it?

Speaker 145 I fucking love it.

Speaker 27 Yes.

Speaker 6 What's it about?

Speaker 145 It's just like deep storytelling. It's like really kind of like, you know, it's kind of hard to understand.

Speaker 31 How about when you're getting away from the lady lady and the kid?

Speaker 35 What do you like to do other than stand-up comedy?

Speaker 119 Anything else?

Speaker 145 Well, up until recently, I was doing a lot of drugs and booze, but I've cut back on that lately. What drugs? Cocaine, a lot of that.

Speaker 24 When did you stop doing cocaine, or how often do you still do it if you do?

Speaker 145 I stopped doing it, I'd say like two months now.

Speaker 9 Oh, okay.

Speaker 13 Yeah. And how often were you doing it before 12 months?

Speaker 145 I'd say like a double Hans gim amount.

Speaker 49 Oh, Hans.

Speaker 108 Yeah, that would seem.

Speaker 15 So

Speaker 15 if you had to guess, ballpark it?

Speaker 145 I don't know. I was doing it probably like five times a week.

Speaker 94 Wow.

Speaker 10 Damn.

Speaker 91 Off of a young comedian's salary.

Speaker 145 I mean, yeah.

Speaker 14 Well, you know, my wife wasn't stoked about that part.

Speaker 145 I'll be honest. Right.

Speaker 32 I see that.

Speaker 75 What's the craziest thing you've done on a night of drinking and cocaine?

Speaker 134 I'm boring as hell.

Speaker 145 I just go home and jack off for seven hours.

Speaker 27 Wow.

Speaker 27 Dude, that's really my favorite thing to do.

Speaker 118 Yeah.

Speaker 6 What is it? Badass. What is jerking off on Coke like? Because I've I've been

Speaker 58 my nuts?

Speaker 6 What is it jerking off on Coke like? Oh, it's awesome.

Speaker 145 I finished Pornhub like six weeks ago. I'm done.

Speaker 6 You saw every video?

Speaker 153 I finished it.

Speaker 145 It's incredible. I got an achievement like on Xbox.
That's badass.

Speaker 63 Seven hours of jerking off.

Speaker 22 Well, it works.

Speaker 16 Is that how long it takes for you to come?

Speaker 151 Well, no, it's just you, it's so much fun on cocaine, you don't want to stop.

Speaker 66 Do you just keep coming?

Speaker 145 No, no, I hold it up until like one major bust.

Speaker 66 Wow.

Speaker 112 That's incredible.

Speaker 6 Jesus Jesus Christ. You have neighbors?

Speaker 145 Not anymore. They moved.

Speaker 6 They got tired of the howling.

Speaker 142 Wow.

Speaker 51 Incredible.

Speaker 6 I've jerked off on Diet Coke before. That's fucking pretty cool.

Speaker 28 On Diet Coke?

Speaker 143 Yeah.

Speaker 6 I had like six Diet Coke before I went to bed and then fucking shaved it up for one big bust.

Speaker 117 Unbelievable.

Speaker 17 Craziest porn you've ever seen.

Speaker 32 What are you?

Speaker 15 That's like the weirdest shit that you got into.

Speaker 80 You ever get into a weird phase with it?

Speaker 145 I mean, like, not into it because I'm not fucking gay or anything, but I watched two dudes fuck each other in the ass at the same time. That was probably the craziest thing I ever saw.

Speaker 78 Oh, wow.

Speaker 145 Two dicks inside of each other. It's a lot of bending and flexing.
That's impressive as hell.

Speaker 43 That's where I normally start.

Speaker 35 That's bass.

Speaker 121 That's just how I get hard.

Speaker 114 Okay.

Speaker 39 Yeah, that's pretty wild.

Speaker 61 That's about as gay as it gets.

Speaker 39 You said right before you said that you watched two dudes fuck a man in the ass at the same time, you said it's like not gay.

Speaker 145 I wanted to make sure. I wanted to see if I was gay or not, so I just tried everything.
So I'm still, I haven't fucked a black guy yet, so that's the only thing I got to try. I don't know.

Speaker 145 I don't know if I'm gay.

Speaker 58 Well, we got good news for you.

Speaker 18 Deep Madness, we have a beautiful woman who wants you to fuck her in the ass up here.

Speaker 10 Nice long hair.

Speaker 119 My pussy's in the back, though. though.

Speaker 6 That's going to be the name of your next special. My pussy's in the back.

Speaker 74 Unbelievable.

Speaker 135 Adam, if you

Speaker 39 two months off the hard stuff, if you had to give some advice out there to someone perhaps trying to get off of hard drugs, perhaps they live in the middle of nowhere, star Mississippi or something like that.

Speaker 10 What would your advice be?

Speaker 145 I don't know. If you got nothing going on, I would just say keep doing it.
Who gives a fuck?

Speaker 27 There you go.

Speaker 145 I have like a family and I'm trying to like get better at comedy, so I stopped for that. But yeah, if I live, if I had nothing going on, I'd done that until I died.
I think that's a good call, also.

Speaker 6 Well, you're super fucking funny, man, so don't fucking die.

Speaker 10 Well, I can't promise anything, but I'll do my best.

Speaker 118 Well, fucking die then.

Speaker 151 Adam, I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday.

Speaker 55 I'd love to.

Speaker 68 Thank you, Grace.

Speaker 20 And it's been four years. I don't think we were even giving out joke books back then.

Speaker 23 So take one of those man pajamas made by the great Bones Eye, who also made me this sweet fucking crazy ass vest.

Speaker 78 Diabolical vest. There you go.

Speaker 18 All right, back to the bucket.

Speaker 23 We go, ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 95 Going to your next comedian who goes by the name of Noah Dassat.

Speaker 95 Noah Dassat.

Speaker 23 Make some noise for Noah, everybody.

Speaker 47 This is my joke book.

Speaker 113 I lost it recently.

Speaker 113 And a homeless man picked it up.

Speaker 100 He read it

Speaker 113 and he made notes in it.

Speaker 113 And I saw him later and he was just like, here.

Speaker 113 And

Speaker 113 first thing he wrote to me is, it's okay to be white,

Speaker 151 which I don't think he's been to Florida.

Speaker 113 And definitely not Florida prison.

Speaker 113 I remember my first day in Florida prison.

Speaker 113 They were like, hey man, you got to stick with your race.

Speaker 113 And

Speaker 113 I looked around and I was like, you know, my only tattoo is a star David.

Speaker 43 And I was like, I don't know, these people have, they all have swastika tattoos.

Speaker 43 I don't know who I'm supposed to hang out with.

Speaker 113 But yeah, I mean, realistically,

Speaker 113 I prefer to hang out with my black friends, so I just spend a lot of time alone.

Speaker 43 Okay, I'm guessing that's the end.

Speaker 17 Pulled back, looked at me, Noah DeSat,

Speaker 73 shockingly not the worst set of the night.

Speaker 88 Welcome, Noah.

Speaker 16 What's going on, bud?

Speaker 34 Step up to that microphone, man.

Speaker 80 I feel like you have no fucking idea where you are right now.

Speaker 81 What's going on, buddy?

Speaker 84 How are you, man?

Speaker 107 Hey, Tony. Hello.
Nice to see you.

Speaker 77 Yeah, good to see you.

Speaker 31 What have you been doing your whole life?

Speaker 69 Man, just getting into all types of shit.

Speaker 43 Okay, let's talk about it.

Speaker 35 How long have you been been doing stand-up?

Speaker 129 I've got into it.

Speaker 121 I haven't.

Speaker 40 This is your first time ever.

Speaker 152 What's the first time I prepared?

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 63 That was the prepared set?

Speaker 51 Or did you...

Speaker 101 Yeah, yeah, that was prepared.

Speaker 6 I would love to see you go off the cuff right now.

Speaker 88 Grab the microphone and hold it in front of your face so you don't have to do that completely insane lean-in thing that you were about to make a habit out of.

Speaker 65 Wow, you know what's crazy when I get an applause break from Red Bam.

Speaker 138 We've been doing this a long time together.

Speaker 43 It was crazy what you were doing.

Speaker 103 You don't even know that, though, because you don't know shit.

Speaker 116 I have no, yeah.

Speaker 51 Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. I don't fucking know, dude.

Speaker 25 All right, Noah.

Speaker 157 What fucking Delta 8 shop do you work at exactly?

Speaker 62 What do you do for work?

Speaker 113 I really just wanted to work the door, honestly.

Speaker 10 Where?

Speaker 31 Here? No.

Speaker 18 I don't even do the hiring or the firing here.

Speaker 38 I have no control whatsoever, but 0% chance that's happening.

Speaker 61 That's not how it works.

Speaker 41 Literally, some of the funniest humans in the world work here.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 77 Okay, it's words.

Speaker 67 Words.

Speaker 9 Yeah, words.

Speaker 63 Those were words.

Speaker 49 So, Noah,

Speaker 40 what do you do for work now?

Speaker 105 I'm trying to figure that out.

Speaker 114 You're trying to figure out what you do for work now.

Speaker 31 Hold on, Jeremy.

Speaker 43 I really need to just interview this guy first.

Speaker 18 Let's just stick with Noah just for a second.

Speaker 65 hold on to those thoughts though i don't want to i don't want to cock block you jeremy but i gotta there's a lot of work to be done here this is a fucking er and this guy's just split wide open

Speaker 123 so

Speaker 125 when you say you're trying to figure out what do you do you don't have a job is what you're saying

Speaker 51 yeah well uh

Speaker 87 good lord this is incredible

Speaker 67 a lot bro i didn't have

Speaker 51 i did not have a dollar in my pocket for five months okay yeah okay how why how no don't put the five away no jeremy put that five away

Speaker 132 how did you end up broke noah

Speaker 10 i've been struggling with interviews tonight and then i come across this gold mine i just feel like We're about to get in the zone right now, Noah.

Speaker 51 Me, not you.

Speaker 113 I'm an artist.

Speaker 10 Yeah,

Speaker 113 I'm an artist.

Speaker 10 What kind of artist?

Speaker 100 So I'll do like graffiti.

Speaker 76 Okay.

Speaker 87 And

Speaker 115 I just like.

Speaker 147 So the money in your life that you have made, how did you do that?

Speaker 113 At times I hit licks.

Speaker 9 Hit licks? Yeah.

Speaker 56 What does that mean exactly to you?

Speaker 113 Like middleman, like exports. Like what? West coast to east coast for marijuana.

Speaker 43 Okay.

Speaker 65 So I was very close with my Delta 8 prediction.

Speaker 39 You have been part of transporting marijuana coast to coast.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 63 Okay. Did you drive it?

Speaker 103 I feel like you don't have a license.

Speaker 16 Do you have a driver's license?

Speaker 101 Yeah, I do. You do.

Speaker 51 Do you use it?

Speaker 10 Do you have a car? I don't have a car. No.
You don't have a car, right? You almost looked at me like, oh, look, yeah, I'll go, of course I do.

Speaker 51 But you don't.

Speaker 138 Okay.

Speaker 43 Let's talk about it.

Speaker 86 We're going to be interviewed for this Netflix document.

Speaker 86 100%, dude.

Speaker 26 Noah, how old are you?

Speaker 56 41. 41 years old.

Speaker 115 Here you are.

Speaker 81 I love this.

Speaker 129 I love having all different shapes and sizes of people on.

Speaker 39 People get mad when somebody doesn't have a great set and I continue the interview, but I think there's something behind those fucking eyes, Noah.

Speaker 65 I see it.

Speaker 28 I see it. There's something there.

Speaker 43 It's not funny yet, but there's something there.

Speaker 10 What makes you, in a million years, want to work the door at a place like this?

Speaker 113 Oh, I'm just,

Speaker 113 yeah, just my life's just pretty chaotic.

Speaker 43 Tell us about it.

Speaker 24 What's the chaos in your life?

Speaker 10 Oh, man.

Speaker 63 Just give us a couple examples here.

Speaker 69 Fighting.

Speaker 103 You get into fights, or there's fighting in your life.

Speaker 105 Yeah, I've gotten into a lot of fights.

Speaker 114 Okay.

Speaker 63 When's the last fight you got into?

Speaker 113 I've been like just

Speaker 25 today.

Speaker 77 Okay, tell us about today's fight, huh?

Speaker 139 Oh, shit.

Speaker 9 Jeremy, hold on.

Speaker 125 Tell us about today's fight.

Speaker 113 Oh, yeah. No, no, no, somebody that he said he wanted to spar, you know, and then wait, hold on.

Speaker 67 Where are you?

Speaker 15 Paint the picture a little bit, Noah.

Speaker 113 I'm down at the springs. I'm down at the Barton Springs.

Speaker 103 Okay, so you're halfway in the river, you're in the river, you're...

Speaker 31 I'm by the river. By the river.

Speaker 51 Right.

Speaker 26 And this guy comes out of nowhere and he goes, I want to spar?

Speaker 113 No, it's been the last few days. I've just been like...

Speaker 113 kind of like helping people train i guess up there or like yeah

Speaker 10 what so yeah see how does that

Speaker 6 hold on on. So, if I went to Spar, you'd be like, Cool, meet me by the river,

Speaker 6 and then we just start fucking shadow boxing.

Speaker 36 Do you ask?

Speaker 35 Hold on, guys, hold on a second.

Speaker 33 This is absolute insanity.

Speaker 129 And I'm it's this interview is just beginning.

Speaker 6 That was like the part of Jumanji when the monkeys come out.

Speaker 127 Okay, hold on, hold on.

Speaker 10 Hold on,

Speaker 138 okay.

Speaker 60 So, let me get this right.

Speaker 95 You hang out by the river.

Speaker 53 all right all right stop stop stop

Speaker 53 put the game away

Speaker 51 all right all right

Speaker 75 sonoa

Speaker 26 you hang out by the river that's kind of oh first of all how did you end up in austin how did what made you come here What made you come to Austin, Texas?

Speaker 113 So I was living in Houston with the mother of my daughter and she decided to come live in a housing project out here because it was free. And you know, I came and I wanted to be close to my daughter.

Speaker 115 Right. How old's your daughter? She's eight.

Speaker 85 Eight years old. Very good.
There's a lot of

Speaker 121 kids being raised by drug addicts around here.

Speaker 35 For those of you, the last comedian is a four-year-old, two months off of blow.

Speaker 129 What are your drugs that you do to

Speaker 40 the kill tony babies ladies and gentlemen it's a real education system here we're gonna leave them all with Jeremy at the daycare center here soon

Speaker 6 and Ash what's up

Speaker 157 okay

Speaker 6 so

Speaker 6 you remind me of my camp counselor

Speaker 43 Okay, hold on a second.

Speaker 10 I'm still working here.

Speaker 33 I need to get information out of Noah.

Speaker 17 So, what drugs have you done?

Speaker 117 What do you like?

Speaker 113 Mostly just marijuana, but some psychedelics, just for the medicinal.

Speaker 39 Okay, just for the medicinal benefits.

Speaker 24 Seems like they're working pretty well.

Speaker 78 Consciousness benefits. Yeah.

Speaker 42 What's the biggest breakthrough that you've had consciousness-wise on a psychedelic drug?

Speaker 10 You ever have a real moment?

Speaker 46 Honey bear bomb.

Speaker 113 Well, I took mushrooms recently and I felt that it simultaneously brought me closer to myself and removed me from what I was.

Speaker 121 So that was pretty fantastic.

Speaker 71 Amen.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 129 Yeah, the lady that thinks the tum was a lime is agreeing with you right now in the audience.

Speaker 88 An audible yeah from the exact spot that that lady was in.

Speaker 32 What are the odds?

Speaker 6 Okay. You know she goes to bars and she's like, yeah, can you put a tum in my vodka soda?

Speaker 6 all right that sounded funnier in my head

Speaker 75 so noah uh

Speaker 128 you have an eight-year-old what does your uh baby mama do for a living

Speaker 10 she's in graduate school to be a therapist oh that's amazing yeah okay yeah and who watches the kid when she's at school

Speaker 150 um

Speaker 78 I don't live with her.

Speaker 51 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 33 Which leads me to my question.

Speaker 91 Who takes care of

Speaker 80 your child while your baby mama is at school?

Speaker 157 It's your eight-year-old, the question that we're talking about.

Speaker 80 Your eight-year-old daughter, am I correct?

Speaker 10 It's a daughter.

Speaker 113 Yeah, a variety of people. She's very popular.

Speaker 113 Her Mimi, her grandma, yeah,

Speaker 113 on both sides, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 66 All right.

Speaker 10 Very good. Very sweet.

Speaker 40 Is Sheilatina your baby mama?

Speaker 14 She's not. She's not?

Speaker 62 No. Just a regular white girl?

Speaker 113 She's pretty regular. She's off-white.
She's Greek.

Speaker 71 So she's

Speaker 10 off-white.

Speaker 10 I like that.

Speaker 16 When you don't think about the answer, you're kind of funny.

Speaker 40 If you try to not think, you just go with your initial.

Speaker 35 Let's try that starting now in this interview, okay?

Speaker 39 Try to not be embarrassed or think of what's cool.

Speaker 65 Let's just go with your gut there.

Speaker 147 Because off-white, that's kind of all right.

Speaker 65 That's what I always say.

Speaker 52 That's a bumper sticker.

Speaker 65 Make it straight to print.

Speaker 37 Thank you, Yoni.

Speaker 138 Okay.

Speaker 26 So, Noah, your next question without thinking of the answer.

Speaker 25 Okay, here we go.

Speaker 108 What's your love life like now?

Speaker 113 I'm addicted.

Speaker 49 Addicted to sex.

Speaker 113 Addicted to sluts, yeah.

Speaker 125 Addicted to sluts.

Speaker 49 Yeah, so take us through.

Speaker 112 I love this.

Speaker 80 By the way, I'm right about you.

Speaker 89 When you don't think about it, fucking amazing.

Speaker 38 So tell us, what's your addiction like?

Speaker 43 How does it work?

Speaker 37 Is it a daily thing?

Speaker 81 Or is it, does it, a lot happen by the river?

Speaker 82 Are you like, what's up, babe?

Speaker 115 Well, like, I like this, like, I'm, I always always just tell people like what up pimp?

Speaker 113 You know, you tell that you say that to women.

Speaker 47 I say that to people, even though I don't want to.

Speaker 112 You say that to girls.

Speaker 113 No, dudes.

Speaker 51 You know what I mean? Oh, okay. Do you, you, are you?

Speaker 22 When some say you're into sluts, do you mean both men and women?

Speaker 66 No.

Speaker 65 Oh, just women.

Speaker 28 Okay, so here's my question.

Speaker 108 When you see a woman who appears in your mind to be slutty, what's your like opening line with her?

Speaker 51 Oh, I don't do all that. What do you mean?

Speaker 113 Well, I mean, that's the whole point, right? It's like...

Speaker 6 What the fuck are you talking about right now?

Speaker 6 I literally am trying so hard to like follow, but you keep changing the fucking topic. It's like

Speaker 6 if you were like a McDonald's drive-through guy and I was like, can I eat some fries? And you were like, yeah, I mean, we'll go to space eventually.

Speaker 10 I'm like,

Speaker 6 or give me the fucking fries.

Speaker 94 All right.

Speaker 6 So how many sluts do you think about in one day? Don't even think. Just answer.
Like, how many sluts do you think about right now? How many sluts?

Speaker 78 Just you, baby.

Speaker 6 Sammy? Just you.

Speaker 142 Just yeah.

Speaker 105 Okay.

Speaker 66 Sorry.

Speaker 6 I'm not gonna fuck you.

Speaker 27 I didn't know how to answer that.

Speaker 6 My first time is not gonna be with a guy from fucking Salute Your Shorts.

Speaker 6 That's a Nickelodeon TV show. Look it up.

Speaker 27 Okay, all right.

Speaker 27 Whoa, whoa.

Speaker 114 All right.

Speaker 35 Noah, I just can't get enough of this.

Speaker 18 There's something about you.

Speaker 42 I just can't stop.

Speaker 91 So how often do you see your eight-year-old?

Speaker 113 I saw her on Monday.

Speaker 26 Yeah, but how, this is, first of all, this is Monday.

Speaker 23 So the answer would either be a week ago or today.

Speaker 51 Last year was exactly a week ago.

Speaker 43 It was exactly a week ago. Yeah.

Speaker 125 And so when, if you had to guess, was the time before that?

Speaker 26 Is it like a once-a-week thing, once every couple weeks?

Speaker 113 It's as much as I can.

Speaker 107 What is that?

Speaker 124 Which seems like you have a pretty wide open fucking schedule, dude.

Speaker 124 Pretty fucking open for business out there teaching free sparring lessons by the river.

Speaker 19 The river.

Speaker 27 Can't even...

Speaker 18 I literally don't even need to think of jokes.

Speaker 65 I can just repeat back your answers.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 113 So how often... Yeah, I'm trying to see her more.

Speaker 26 Does the baby mama not only let you sometimes?

Speaker 113 Yeah, it could be like that.

Speaker 132 It can be like that.

Speaker 61 Is it like that?

Speaker 35 Let me ask you this.

Speaker 113 I want to say as much as I can.

Speaker 127 Yeah, I just, yeah.

Speaker 132 Why do you think your baby mama doesn't want you seeing the eight-year-old more often?

Speaker 38 sometimes the show's silly

Speaker 20 sometimes it's you know

Speaker 113 wild this is like a serious cool moment at least i think so and i'm the creator and executive in charge she would love to have me see her more she would she she would love that i think that um there are times when she feels that the connection that we've made and her attachment isn't totally secure.

Speaker 113 And so in that way,

Speaker 113 she would like, you know, that trust to be developed and melded together into something beautiful. And.

Speaker 113 Yes.

Speaker 113 Wow.

Speaker 21 Amazing.

Speaker 22 You said absolutely nothing there, by the way.

Speaker 89 Incredible.

Speaker 101 It was words.

Speaker 132 You're literally a male hippie, Kamala Harris.

Speaker 112 It's incredible.

Speaker 57 You answered and gave no answer at the exact same time.

Speaker 14 This is amazing. I'm so in.

Speaker 56 You have me in like gargoyle formation right now.

Speaker 81 I'm like climbing onto my chair because I'm trying to figure out this puzzle that is you.

Speaker 155 Tell us about some more of the chaos in your life.

Speaker 40 Have you been arrested before?

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 10 There you go.

Speaker 114 Rattle it off.

Speaker 62 What were you arrested for?

Speaker 113 Well, the last time.

Speaker 105 Last time.

Speaker 113 Yeah, the last time I just needed a place to live and I was, I looked up on

Speaker 113 Azillo, like places that were, you know, abandoned or like that being rented. Oh.
And then I found like a tree house in the back of this place that had a really nice like pool.

Speaker 113 And I was like swimming in the pool in my underwear and then somebody came on the loudspeaker and they're like, get out of my pool.

Speaker 58 They were on a loudspeaker?

Speaker 77 Yeah.

Speaker 54 Were you on drugs during this?

Speaker 76 No.

Speaker 26 You were in somebody's tree house.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 103 And they come over the loud.

Speaker 71 Well, no, I was in their pool.

Speaker 51 Oh. Yeah.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 113 And so they were watching me swim in the pool and they were like, hey, get out of there. And then I thought, you know, maybe they won't see me go into the treehouse.

Speaker 113 So then I was just like in the treehouse.

Speaker 78 For how long?

Speaker 78 Probably like an hour or something.

Speaker 113 And then I was going to leave, but the mosquitoes, because the mosquitoes are really bad. And I was like, well, this probably maybe isn't the best place to like squat, you know? Right.

Speaker 86 Because of the mosquitoes?

Speaker 101 You were getting bit by mosquitoes.

Speaker 145 Plus the person was literally like, please get off my property straight up get out of my pool and off my property that didn't

Speaker 18 a loudspeaker somehow in their backyard and you're like maybe that tree house let me go

Speaker 56 the way your brain works is incredible it's good to see you smiling though even you know like this yeah

Speaker 108 this is crazy that's why yeah so that the police show up and they're like get the fuck out of the tree house

Speaker 113 right well it's embarrassing but i kind of like just curled up and thought maybe they like wouldn't see me, even though they have their lights like right on me. It was kind of.

Speaker 31 And then what happened?

Speaker 77 Did they climb up the tree house?

Speaker 16 Did the police come up or did you eventually, oh, you have a little crick in your neck?

Speaker 6 I think you just put a curse on us.

Speaker 6 That's no fucking, you ever seen the ring when the kid's like, eh.

Speaker 6 You're like, are you stretching your neck? She's like, something like that.

Speaker 6 Don't have bananas later.

Speaker 83 Oh, shit.

Speaker 146 It's funny.

Speaker 58 This is the tree house.

Speaker 6 I would watch six seasons of you living in a fucking tree house with nothing to survive on but mosquitoes and your fucking thoughts and that and an Outcast album.

Speaker 114 So how long were you in the pool for?

Speaker 77 Just give me a guess.

Speaker 116 Ballpark.

Speaker 114 How long were you in the pool?

Speaker 113 Like 20 minutes. 20 minutes.

Speaker 118 And someone's like, please get out of our pool.

Speaker 10 Right?

Speaker 40 And then you're like, there's a treehouse. I'm going to sneak up in the treehouse.

Speaker 16 How long were you in the tree house?

Speaker 112 Give me a guess.

Speaker 115 Like an hour.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 38 And And then all of a sudden, did you hear alarms?

Speaker 19 First of all, Redman actually brings up a great question.

Speaker 84 How many?

Speaker 125 How many times do you think you got bit by mosquitoes while in the tree house?

Speaker 112 Just take a guess.

Speaker 113 Like 30 times, probably.

Speaker 15 Oh my God, 30 bites.

Speaker 43 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 15 So you've been bit by 30 mosquitoes. You're held up in the treehouse.

Speaker 26 The police come and what do they say?

Speaker 34 Come down from the treehouse?

Speaker 106 What do they give us?

Speaker 63 Just give us a guess of what they said.

Speaker 80 What do you remember?

Speaker 97 Why are you crouching in there?

Speaker 134 We already got the light on you.

Speaker 10 Oh, right.

Speaker 61 So it's nighttime, correct?

Speaker 10 Oh, yeah. Night.

Speaker 43 Okay, this isn't even how I pictured it.

Speaker 107 That's amazing.

Speaker 52 That's a huge part of the story.

Speaker 26 So they're literally shining a flashlight and you're like, they don't know.

Speaker 40 But you're in a fucking treehouse.

Speaker 113 I knew that they probably knew, but I thought, what if on the off chance that they don't? It'd be just funny as fuck. You know what I mean? But that's just

Speaker 113 to me, you know.

Speaker 32 So then, did they go up?

Speaker 8 Didn't

Speaker 113 up and they did more than one come up into the treehouse?

Speaker 63 They're like, Jesus, this fucking mosquitoes, dude.

Speaker 38 How many police officers came up into a treehouse?

Speaker 115 Three or four or something.

Speaker 77 Four officers

Speaker 28 came up.

Speaker 51 Okay.

Speaker 75 I feel like I'm losing my mind right now.

Speaker 37 It's been 20 minutes of me interviewing this guy.

Speaker 6 Fascinating.

Speaker 147 It is fascinating.

Speaker 43 I found out basically nothing.

Speaker 26 What's your next move?

Speaker 108 What do you think?

Speaker 35 How long have you been in Austin?

Speaker 74 Four years.

Speaker 51 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 49 Oh, wow.

Speaker 52 And you've never had an actual job in Austin?

Speaker 6 Oh, no, I have.

Speaker 113 I worked at this healing arts center for the last few years.

Speaker 39 Healing Arts Center.

Speaker 6 Fake place.

Speaker 100 Yeah, like.

Speaker 80 What do they do there?

Speaker 113 They have all these different healing modalities. You know, people who practice yoga, who do Reiki, who do...

Speaker 80 What do you do there?

Speaker 113 So

Speaker 105 I did a mural.

Speaker 113 I was a host. I was a barista.
And most recently, I was a non-alcoholic bartender.

Speaker 105 So, yeah.

Speaker 112 There's a lot of bugs around.

Speaker 138 Okay.

Speaker 10 All right. I'm going to put a fucking ribbon on this.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 6 Can I say something? Yeah. So, the last time you saw your girl was when?

Speaker 113 Monday.

Speaker 6 Right. And you're trying to reconnect with her, right?

Speaker 69 Yes, sir.

Speaker 6 Like, have you ever taken her to dinner and done something nice?

Speaker 10 Yeah, I would love to.

Speaker 6 You never have?

Speaker 58 No, of course I have.

Speaker 31 If you give him money, I know what you're thinking right now.

Speaker 6 I'm not gonna. Okay, go.
No, I was just saying, do something nice sometime.

Speaker 51 Oh, okay.

Speaker 6 I'm not that fucking piece of shit out of my head.

Speaker 6 I don't just give away free shit.

Speaker 6 I was saying, you should maybe think about doing that.

Speaker 6 Take her to dinner. Say, I don't fucking care about you.

Speaker 6 Let's get this back on top.

Speaker 113 I absolutely enjoy it.

Speaker 113 I'm in love with every moment. I'm with her, and I appreciate every moment.

Speaker 107 What's the coolest thing that you've done for her?

Speaker 62 She's eight years old.

Speaker 28 Seems like you kind of visit and then

Speaker 26 dip.

Speaker 113 What's like the most bonding moment i i showed her how to build an icosahedron out of like building blocks like i showed i showed her how to build all the five platonic solids out of building blocks which i think was pretty cool yep

Speaker 113 the five uh regular convex polyhedra that plato discovered in the you know have you done mushrooms with her already

Speaker 86 what is happening

Speaker 27 here's a little joke bug I fucked up.

Speaker 33 The internet's going to be furious at me for this.

Speaker 6 No way. This is great.

Speaker 22 I'm calling it now.

Speaker 95 You don't need to say anything.

Speaker 31 I already know.

Speaker 59 I fucked up.

Speaker 153 I'm never listening again after that interview.

Speaker 122 I'm done forever.

Speaker 59 Why the fuck did that happen?

Speaker 40 Why did he have that deadbeat up there for 22 minutes?

Speaker 6 It was Brad Pitt from True Romance and stood up.

Speaker 53 No.

Speaker 53 No.

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Speaker 18 All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes. Are you guys still having fun out there?

Speaker 31 Your next comedian, 60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Brandon La Caruba.

Speaker 22 Brandon La Caruba.

Speaker 136 Here he is.

Speaker 153 What's going on, everybody? I got married in November of 2021.

Speaker 153 thank you. Divorced April of 22.

Speaker 51 Thank you.

Speaker 153 I don't know what lived longer, our marriage or our fetuses.

Speaker 153 It was one of them. I don't know.
I don't know the answer. It was definitely one of them.

Speaker 98 I had a pretty smooth divorce, though, I got to say.

Speaker 153 You know, kind of got through it pretty easy. But worst part about being single for me, I was single in my late 20s in New York.
You know? Only thing to fuck were emos, Jews, and microwaved bagels. So

Speaker 153 it's not really, I know, that's what I said. That wasn't great.
Until you get all three of those things together: an emoju with a bagel, a nice blink 180 Jew chick.

Speaker 153 I'm a big fan. You know, they like them.
They like me.

Speaker 10 They like all the small things.

Speaker 153 They're a little naggy though. Like, if they text you and you don't text them back immediately, they're calling you up immediately.

Speaker 134 Like, where are you?

Speaker 7 I'm so horny.

Speaker 153 And I'm like, just give me the bagel.

Speaker 67 I'm good. Thank you.
I'm Brandon.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 78 This show is wild.

Speaker 153 Sure is.

Speaker 86 I've never experienced anything like this in my life.

Speaker 22 John, I swear, it's never like this.

Speaker 110 I wouldn't believe it.

Speaker 86 Like, I don't know what's real and what's a character.

Speaker 107 I really have no idea.

Speaker 10 I have no idea.

Speaker 40 It's not you, it's me, John.

Speaker 145 I'm not over the last guy, but here we are.

Speaker 51 Hey, there we go.

Speaker 10 What's going on, fellas? Hello.

Speaker 150 What? How's it going? I'm great.

Speaker 153 This is a cool night for you.

Speaker 35 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 153 Five and change.

Speaker 60 Five and change.

Speaker 10 Where at?

Speaker 150 A lot of New York, Long Island, regrettably, but, yeah.

Speaker 10 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 153 Just moved here about two months ago.

Speaker 150 Have you been on this show before?

Speaker 116 I have not.

Speaker 31 Okay. Yep.

Speaker 106 All right. So five and some change.

Speaker 84 You're doing a lot of blink 182 material.

Speaker 39 The entire minute was blink 182.

Speaker 71 Yeah. They're back, though.
They're back.

Speaker 37 Is that like your thing?

Speaker 77 You the blink 182 guy or is it just this minute?

Speaker 71 I love girls that love Blink 182.

Speaker 153 So I tolerate Blink.

Speaker 10 A little whiny for me, but...

Speaker 150 No, it's good. What are you talking about?

Speaker 6 What's your shit?

Speaker 153 What's my shit?

Speaker 153 I like the Arctic monkeys.

Speaker 153 I like anime intro songs.

Speaker 10 You know? Red Band was like a bunch of people.

Speaker 10 I know.

Speaker 27 I knew Red Band would like that.

Speaker 94 Got Red Band.

Speaker 153 Some A Vangelian is a good way to work out.

Speaker 49 Someone wants to do the secret show this week.

Speaker 153 Brandon, let's talk about it what do you do for work i uh i'm a manager at an office depot and i

Speaker 153 yeah it brings in the money and i i host game shows now imagine having to take orders from this guy

Speaker 6 that was that was so fucking mean jackie

Speaker 110 i'm sorry

Speaker 6 No, but I but it will be funny.

Speaker 26 Can you give us an example of what you sound like as a manager?

Speaker 37 Let's say Jeremy here, this sweet guy right here, was one of your employees and he put the staplers on the wrong shelf at an office depot.

Speaker 41 Okay.

Speaker 26 And he tends to do this a lot.

Speaker 103 And he should have it figured out by now.

Speaker 132 And here we go.

Speaker 134 And action.

Speaker 6 Hey, so I got done putting all the staples away. I cleaned all the shit off the bathroom walls.

Speaker 6 And I gave the candy back to that

Speaker 6 other guy that works at Office Depot with us that you said

Speaker 6 was that he was like the I gave it back to him. So

Speaker 6 the staplers are all the statewords are all in the right place though I put all the state words away you you're welcome

Speaker 10 Jeremy

Speaker 153 go ahead well yeah first I'd wipe the spit off my face

Speaker 6 and I'd be like I don't I didn't understand a word you said but there's codes tells you where to put the stuff you got to put it up there or else we got to let you go well you guys change the fucking codes every other month so I don't know what fucking code is the right one do you know what I'm saying can you like text me me this?

Speaker 153 Can you write this down?

Speaker 6 I've been working here. You know my fucking dad owns Alpha Tevo, right?

Speaker 6 I got you fired so fucking fast.

Speaker 153 Get it done. Do it.

Speaker 108 I hate that job.

Speaker 134 Do you really?

Speaker 153 No, it's okay. It's okay.
I like my other job more, though. I host game shows at a place in Austin.

Speaker 77 What kind of game shows?

Speaker 153 It's a rip-off of

Speaker 153 Family Feud and Wheel of Fortune mostly. And we have our own names for it for copyright, but it's really fun.

Speaker 150 Okay. I love doing it.

Speaker 153 I'll plug him. Game on ATX.

Speaker 71 Good time. Yeah, fuck you.

Speaker 9 Are you a big Mark Norman fan?

Speaker 153 He's the only famous guy I've opened for.

Speaker 39 You know how I could tell? How?

Speaker 9 Because you move, act, and react like him in every single wild.

Speaker 10 Isn't that crazy that I was able to guess the one guy that you opened for?

Speaker 51 Comedy. I believe it.

Speaker 150 It's amazing. Yeah, comedy.
There you go.

Speaker 51 Right.

Speaker 123 I can't believe he's immense.

Speaker 107 That's incredible.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 31 Brandon La Karuba.

Speaker 10 There we go.

Speaker 41 Last time you did series, how old's your daughter?

Speaker 10 How old's my daughter? Yeah.

Speaker 112 We've had a streak the last.

Speaker 153 So it's funny you ask.

Speaker 153 I've been telling as a joke that I have a single dad with a black daughter.

Speaker 150 I have a bunny rabbit.

Speaker 51 I don't have a daughter.

Speaker 150 Okay. I'm a man with a rabbit.

Speaker 114 Wow. How long have you had a rabbit for it?

Speaker 153 I've had a rabbit since I've been seven, but they only live like 10 years, so it's been like four or five rabbits.

Speaker 146 Wow.

Speaker 42 Have you ever done hard jogs?

Speaker 6 Jeremy, I'm sorry you have a rabbit and you're not a magician awkward yeah

Speaker 6 what the

Speaker 27 man

Speaker 153 what do you do with this rabbit they're cool pets they're like tiny dogs they can learn tricks they know their name what tricks does your rabbit know um

Speaker 153 all right she's not good at tricks i got her from a previous owner Didn't teach her any tricks in those formative years, so, you know, she's not really into doing tricks.

Speaker 153 She's kind of setting her ways.

Speaker 153 right but no they're cool they're cool pets are there any tricks that any rabbits can possibly do yeah you can like make them do you want to do like

Speaker 153 what all right like you put your arm out and they'll they'll hop over your arm like they know you know no way

Speaker 6 sorry i was expecting you to say like she'll drive me when i'm drunk you know

Speaker 6 that's a cool trick

Speaker 67 what's her name her name lily cool yeah no she's cool.

Speaker 153 They don't eat carrots. Bugs Bunny made that up.

Speaker 153 Don't feed rabbits carrots. It gives them bunny diabetes.

Speaker 6 It's bad for them. Great bad name.

Speaker 61 Yes.

Speaker 6 Big welcome, bunny diabetes!

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 111 This is one of the most insane episodes of this show I've ever seen in my entire life.

Speaker 32 And I've been there for all of them, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 18 There's a man that comes to every episode.

Speaker 32 He's literally not making eye contact with me or the show.

Speaker 111 He's just sitting there looking down.

Speaker 70 I just caught you, Chief, literally looking down like, why?

Speaker 93 What have I committed Mondays to in my life?

Speaker 19 I could have all these years.

Speaker 24 It's like literally having fucking.

Speaker 99 So you have it.

Speaker 86 Is it Invisalign?

Speaker 153 I have Invisalign, yeah. I sound like him when I don't wear them.

Speaker 127 Roasted.

Speaker 134 I wasn't even.

Speaker 145 I do.

Speaker 100 I talk like an issue without them.

Speaker 6 I wish I could afford a vision line. I did go with the fucking low-ramp races, you know?

Speaker 10 Smile, the rec club.

Speaker 6 I get it. How much was the envision line?

Speaker 153 It's too much, man. It was like $2,500.

Speaker 150 Fuck. Yeah.
It was worth it, though.

Speaker 153 I mean, my teeth look way better.

Speaker 92 How much did you pay for your rabbit?

Speaker 153 Free. I stole that lady from

Speaker 153 previous owner. She was mistreating her, and they were giving her up.
So I was like, sweet.

Speaker 51 I got a new rabbit. Mistreating a rabbit.

Speaker 153 So they're not like hamsters. You got to let them out.
You got to give them at least a room to run around. And they had them locked up in the basement in the cage.

Speaker 8 It's not cool.

Speaker 153 It's like doing that. Imagine doing that to a dog.
They're going to be pretty pent up and not happy.

Speaker 31 Does the rabbit cuddle with you ever or anything?

Speaker 153 Yeah, I mean, she likes getting pets. She likes, you know, like hanging out and I'll scratch her head and shit.
But that's about it. If you pick them up, they think they're going to get eaten.

Speaker 153 You know? Right.

Speaker 153 Animals of prey.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 89 Absolutely.

Speaker 24 What's your love life like when you bring a girl back and she sees a fucking rabbit in a fucking cage?

Speaker 124 What does she say?

Speaker 153 They tend to be very into it, man. Chicks love the bunny.
Chicks love the bunny. And they just hang out with the bunny, you know, feed her treats, hop around.
I've never heard that.

Speaker 150 Hey, man, come over and meet my rabbit. I'll show you a good time.

Speaker 71 My ex had a rabbit and there's little shit everywhere.

Speaker 47 Do you have little pieces of shit everywhere in your house?

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 153 No, I do. You got to vacuum them up, though.

Speaker 47 They're dry.

Speaker 153 They're like cocoa puffs. You got to suck them up.

Speaker 150 You can't.

Speaker 6 You said you love Family Feud, right? You host Family Feud. I do, I do.
So let's play a little round.

Speaker 10 Name one, name one thing.

Speaker 6 Name one chick that fucked you when she saw your rabbit.

Speaker 118 And I'll be Steve Harvey.

Speaker 116 Bam, bam, bam, bam.

Speaker 122 I'll be Steve Harvey.

Speaker 7 You answer. You answer.
Ready?

Speaker 153 Sarah.

Speaker 4 Whoa.

Speaker 26 Is an amazing Steve Harvey impression.

Speaker 139 Okay.

Speaker 6 I've never done that Steve Harvey before.

Speaker 6 So you tell one girl, one girl, one girl.

Speaker 153 Yeah, no, they, again, it helps.

Speaker 56 Brandon, the most interesting thing about your life that's ever happened.

Speaker 153 I went to Auschwitz once. I was pretty wacky.

Speaker 15 How was that?

Speaker 6 Too tuned.

Speaker 98 It was a choir field trip for high school.

Speaker 39 You were in the choir?

Speaker 153 I went to college for singing.

Speaker 10 Okay, can we hear a little bit?

Speaker 126 A one, two, one, two, three, four.

Speaker 153 You guys know Knee Socks by the Arctic Monkeys?

Speaker 10 Knees.

Speaker 10 That's lame.

Speaker 153 That's a great album.

Speaker 71 All right. Shit.

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 118 Come on.

Speaker 27 They can do anything.

Speaker 10 Fuck it. They can do anything.

Speaker 153 How about Brandy by Looking Glass?

Speaker 71 You guys know Brandy?

Speaker 76 We'll follow you. How about that song?

Speaker 6 How about the Schidler's List theme song?

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 27 Oh, there's a port

Speaker 153 on a western bay and it serves a hundred ships a day. Lonely sailors pass the time away and talk about their homes.
The sailors say, Brandy,

Speaker 6 you're a fine girl.

Speaker 53 You're a fine girl.

Speaker 7 You're a good wife. You would be.
You would be.

Speaker 6 But my life, my love and my lady is the sea.

Speaker 53 Yeah,

Speaker 6 fuck yeah.

Speaker 21 All right, Brandon Luck Paruba.

Speaker 11 Here you go, buddy. Here he goes.
Coming at you, everybody.

Speaker 36 Booyah, there he goes.

Speaker 95 All right, your final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 20 I love this name.

Speaker 136 We're gonna see what happens here.

Speaker 18 Make some noise for your final bucket pull.

Speaker 137 It's Jenny with an eye. Jenny with an eye, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 137 Here comes Jenny with an eye.

Speaker 18 live here on the show that

Speaker 20 oh she's inside wow one of your very own inside Jenny with an eye ladies and gentlemen

Speaker 90 wow

Speaker 102 Jenny make some noise you're here at one of the craziest episodes here's Jenny with an eye

Speaker 109 I saw a billboard on the way over here. It had Nike slogan on it, just do it.

Speaker 109 And I thought, that makes fucking sense because all I picture were kids in sweatshops and and their boss yelling at them just do it

Speaker 17 just fucking do it oh you sucking me dickhead

Speaker 123 yeah

Speaker 109 I'm Puerto Rican

Speaker 109 yeah represent I'm a very white Puerto Rican though if you can't tell from my accent but don't worry I'm still toxic

Speaker 109 with bad credit

Speaker 109 And a bitchy attitude. Probably because I seen the bottom of my mom's chancleta more than my father.

Speaker 109 But I'm tired of people always asking me, what type of Mexican are you? I'm giving up. I'm like, I'm the lazy kind.

Speaker 109 And the legal kind, bitch.

Speaker 109 This lady I worked the other day, she was like, if you're Puerto Rican, have you ever stabbed anybody?

Speaker 109 I was like, no, I never stabbed anyone.

Speaker 51 Today.

Speaker 109 I'm about to stab you next, bitch, if you keep talking. All right, you guys, I'm Jenny with an eye.
Thank you.

Speaker 133 Jenny with an eye.

Speaker 155 What's up?

Speaker 18 What's going on, Jenny?

Speaker 35 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 109 Um, I'll make a year next month on my birthday.

Speaker 73 Okay, where you been doing it at?

Speaker 10 Orlando, Florida.

Speaker 28 And you're just visiting here?

Speaker 109 I'm visiting, yeah.

Speaker 77 Okay, what do you do for work in Orlando?

Speaker 43 Huh? What do you do for work?

Speaker 109 Uh, real estate.

Speaker 10 You good at it?

Speaker 26 Yeah, you make good money, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 109 Meow, listen, I'm here. I get to travel.
It's you know, not bad.

Speaker 74 I love it.

Speaker 43 I love it. Meow.

Speaker 6 It could be your catchphrase.

Speaker 6 That's a good way to tag. You know how, like, I have, and that's what's up.
To end my jokes? Yeah. That could be you say you're a joking and you go, meow, meow, meow.

Speaker 6 I like it. Kind of fun.
Yeah. You don't have to do it.

Speaker 10 For the special.

Speaker 71 For special, yeah. Are you doing special?

Speaker 51 No. Oh.

Speaker 6 Well, not with that attitude. Yeah, you gotta believe in yourself.

Speaker 10 Yeah, I mean, someday, yeah.

Speaker 6 Could you, what? I'm trying to get a, uh, move out of my apartment soon to a duplex.

Speaker 109 You want to open up for me?

Speaker 46 Sure. Sure.

Speaker 131 Yeah, all right.

Speaker 6 Are you fucking serious?

Speaker 122 Yeah.

Speaker 116 Oh my gosh. Let's do it.
Oh my God.

Speaker 27 It's a crazy day for Carrie.

Speaker 6 Don't fuck with me right now. It's been a while.

Speaker 90 Let's go right now.

Speaker 143 Well, where do you perform?

Speaker 10 In Orlando? In Orlando. Hey, like the improv?

Speaker 78 Yeah.

Speaker 116 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 6 I mean, you're kind of scary, but yeah.

Speaker 6 But you seem fun. What's your favorite thing to do

Speaker 6 after the show? Like, what do you like to drink or karaoke?

Speaker 108 Yeah, sure.

Speaker 93 What do you really do for fun?

Speaker 109 I go out. I go to the gym.

Speaker 61 I travel.

Speaker 32 When you go out, what do you like to do?

Speaker 109 I drink with friends.

Speaker 150 Yeah, I have a good time.

Speaker 109 Tequila.

Speaker 109 I like tequila. I like Titos.

Speaker 53 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 6 Yeah, that's fun. For Loco.

Speaker 109 I can do that, Twisted Tea or something.

Speaker 105 How do you know about Four Loco, Jeremy?

Speaker 67 Oh,

Speaker 6 well, it's a long story.

Speaker 6 But let's just say Jerry and I, the one time we fucking had like a night out, we fucking drank a sleetuno for loco.

Speaker 6 And let's just say we grabbed a couple of bird scooters. And let's just say we fucking went over to that guy Brandon's house and fucking taught his bunny some tricks.

Speaker 6 And it rhymes with, suck your dicks. And

Speaker 109 sounds like a good time.

Speaker 58 Meow.

Speaker 6 And so.

Speaker 6 No, I don't know if it's too it's too crazy, though.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 6 All right. I like your jacket.

Speaker 67 Okay.

Speaker 125 What's your love life like, Jenny, with an eye?

Speaker 27 With an eye.

Speaker 109 I'm in a relationship. Uh-huh.

Speaker 61 What's your boyfriend do for work?

Speaker 109 Same thing. We met at work.

Speaker 24 He's in real estate. Yeah.

Speaker 112 Did you guys...

Speaker 39 You really do have a catchphrase there.

Speaker 112 I know.

Speaker 61 Did you guys hook up on a work site?

Speaker 109 Pretty much.

Speaker 39 Explain to us how that happened.

Speaker 109 You know, I was slacking on my sales and he kind of helped me. And it's been love ever since.

Speaker 6 I mean, I I feel like I've seen this video.

Speaker 143 You know? I mean

Speaker 6 and you're looking oddly familiar.

Speaker 123 Pornhub.

Speaker 27 Wait.

Speaker 6 So question. As a guy who hasn't done it yet, what did your guy do that made you go like, okay, you can do that.

Speaker 6 Do you know what I'm saying? Like what do you start with?

Speaker 109 Well, he has a big, you know.

Speaker 10 Whoa, no, I don't.

Speaker 23 Fucking huge, whatever you just did with your hands.

Speaker 6 Yeah, that was fucking. Is that big?

Speaker 109 He's Puerto Rican.

Speaker 58 Whoa, Jesus Christ. Oh,

Speaker 139 this guy's.

Speaker 77 Oh, that is a huge cock. This guy's waving his dick.

Speaker 27 Represent?

Speaker 6 That was his cock talking, not the guy.

Speaker 38 What does 1% mean?

Speaker 109 1%?

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 34 What do you mean? Did you just say 1%?

Speaker 109 No, I said represent.

Speaker 10 Oh, okay.

Speaker 81 I couldn't hear you through your proud people.

Speaker 28 Puerto Rican accent.

Speaker 28 Okay, very proud people indeed.

Speaker 43 What's your favorite thing about being Puerto Rican?

Speaker 109 The food.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 26 What are the famous foods of the Puerto Rican culture?

Speaker 109 Rice and beans.

Speaker 28 Oh, Mexican food.

Speaker 139 Aro concanule.

Speaker 115 Si señorita la pupu.

Speaker 25 Uh-huh.

Speaker 25 La cucaracha.

Speaker 109 La cucaracha.

Speaker 94 La cu uh.

Speaker 112 La puposa.

Speaker 10 No. Guardo chicas.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 62 Whoa, Red Band, our senior Puerto Rican food correspondent.

Speaker 37 Wow, I've never heard you speak another language before.

Speaker 6 Whoa, Red Band, living La Vidaloco over here, here, huh?

Speaker 109 That's all his porn hub searches.

Speaker 10 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 86 Tony, see the

Speaker 115 size of that ring she's wearing? Huh? The size of that ring she's wearing is

Speaker 58 shit.

Speaker 63 Let me see.

Speaker 63 Where's the ring?

Speaker 114 Fucking blink blue. Oh, wow.
Look at that.

Speaker 108 You are Puerto Rican.

Speaker 31 You've invested all of your money in this.

Speaker 139 I'm not pregnant, though.

Speaker 51 Incredible.

Speaker 6 Are you guys trying to have a kid?

Speaker 109 Nah.

Speaker 6 Why not?

Speaker 87 I don't know.

Speaker 81 Because he pulls out by the reaction, he's not really giving you a choice.

Speaker 10 Nah.

Speaker 111 He pulls out and shoots it all over the homeowner's manual that's in the.

Speaker 109 I have an IUD because, you know, Puerto Rican, Latino women, you know.

Speaker 31 Yep.

Speaker 109 I got to have that, you know, baby killer thing, you know.

Speaker 87 Uh-huh.

Speaker 6 Absolutely. What's an IUD?

Speaker 6 Is that like an IOU?

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 6 I'm serious. I don't know what that is.

Speaker 109 It's a thing that they put up inside a woman's vagina.

Speaker 6 What the fuck? Why?

Speaker 109 That way you don't have kids or you don't get pregnant. It's like birth control.

Speaker 6 So when the jizz comes up, it's like, fucking, get out of here.

Speaker 94 Yeah, just like, ooh,

Speaker 123 pop, bop.

Speaker 6 I don't want no jizz.

Speaker 6 That's why I got an IUD up inside me.

Speaker 6 Hanging out the passion inside. I don't know the rest after that, but.

Speaker 10 Hey.

Speaker 6 That's fucking cool. Well, that's what's up.

Speaker 26 Jenny with an eye. I like your style.

Speaker 23 I'm giving you a medium-sized joke book.

Speaker 36 There she goes, Jenny with an eye.

Speaker 11 All right, ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that point of the show in which there's simply nowhere else to go other than the Hall of Famer, the record holder for all-time interviews, appearances on this show,

Speaker 32 all-time new minutes.

Speaker 101 I present to you the Virginia Ham,

Speaker 53 the

Speaker 95 Toledo track star

Speaker 23 the Memphis strangler the vanilla gorilla this is indeed the big red machine William Montgomery everybody

Speaker 98 Last week in North Korea flooding killed 4,000. Kim Jong-un reacted to the floods by executing 30 government officials.

Speaker 98 Apparently, Kim Jong-un was pissed that he wasn't the one who killed the 4,000 people.

Speaker 6 Am I a bad person for not watching the Paralympics?

Speaker 130 Okay, yeah, that wasn't even really a joke.

Speaker 105 Okay.

Speaker 98 I remember when my mom got pregnant with my youngest brother and the rumor around town was that it wasn't actually hers.

Speaker 151 See, normally you would say like his.

Speaker 68 Okay, let's keep this moving.

Speaker 98 I was up in Minnesota this weekend, and I've got to say, I'm so impressed with Kamala Harris' running mate and current governor of Minnesota, Tim Walls. The guy is my hero.

Speaker 98 It's insane he not only took out a Nazi bunker by himself during World War II, but he's also taken the Minnesota Vikings to three straight Super Bowl wins. So I love Tim Walls.

Speaker 98 That is my time, Tony Hinchcliffe.

Speaker 100 Thank you, sir.

Speaker 96 Why did you roll your eyes like that, William?

Speaker 100 I don't know. My throat is killing me.

Speaker 130 Tony, at the end of my final set at the Mall of America this past weekend, all the shows were great,

Speaker 130 but I was tasting a lot of blood in my mouth.

Speaker 27 So, why do you think that was? From yelling, I think.

Speaker 151 I was literally tasting blood, so I might need to go to the doctor or something.

Speaker 130 My throat literally feels like strep throat right now. It's really a nightmare.
I was not in the best mood today.

Speaker 6 I've Googled it. You can drink your own blood.
It's fine.

Speaker 6 I cut myself from eating stuff all the time. I just drink the blood.

Speaker 99 I don't want to be in between this.

Speaker 103 William, an electric star of the show.

Speaker 41 Very interesting that this throat thing, blood in the mouth, that this is all happening because you've been screaming, famously screaming for longer than anybody, over half a decade here live on this show weekly.

Speaker 71 Why does Tony? I don't know.

Speaker 135 Your health is giving out now.

Speaker 100 I don't know.

Speaker 130 I mean, I've been kind of, I have my, I'm off of the stimulants. I haven't been taking my Adderall recently, which is a good thing, but I'm still not hungry.
I haven't been as hungry recently.

Speaker 130 I think I probably have cancer or something. I think I probably, I'll find out soon.
I'm dying is my only thought.

Speaker 125 Have you been to a doctor lately?

Speaker 130 I've not been to a doctor other than a dermatologist in years since the since the Armenian women in Glen Green. I can't remember where it was, somewhere in LA.

Speaker 71 You want Tom? What was that? Glendale. Yeah, thanks.

Speaker 86 What is this?

Speaker 153 To lime? Just take it.

Speaker 59 Oh, Tom.

Speaker 100 But yet, Tony, I don't know. It's very disconcerting.

Speaker 130 I think it's all of the, I don't know, it's the longer shows yelling. I'm yelling too much, Tony.
I know people hate it, but I have fun doing it.

Speaker 130 It seems like people have a good time, but I'm going to have to do something different. Something's got to change, Tony.
I mean, it's turning into a nightmare.

Speaker 35 What are some options?

Speaker 130 I don't know. Maybe sort of more jokes, like kind of like talking like this, maybe, just maybe

Speaker 127 more kind of low.

Speaker 130 And then it really won't hurt my voice if I just kind of talk.

Speaker 130 Do you like that, John, when I kind of talk like that? Do you think that's kind of funny? I'm into it.

Speaker 9 Cool.

Speaker 71 I feel like the ailments you have are internal because you look great.

Speaker 100 Oh, my gosh. Well, thank you.
You look great, too. What is that accent?

Speaker 98 Are you from Tennessee? I am.

Speaker 78 I'm from Tennessee as well. Really? Where are you from? Nashville.

Speaker 10 I live in Nashville.

Speaker 115 I'm from Memphis.

Speaker 61 Let's go. Let's be friends.
Cool.

Speaker 130 Sounds good. Nice to meet you.
Yeah, I didn't know what you were going to say.

Speaker 6 You guys going to fuck? What's going on right now?

Speaker 107 This is amazing.

Speaker 56 I got to tell you, I've never seen William warm up to anybody like this.

Speaker 98 Yeah, it's wonderful.

Speaker 100 I love a fellow Tennessean.

Speaker 139 Oh, I'm sorry. I dropped it.

Speaker 6 Oh, been there before.

Speaker 97 Just guessing here.

Speaker 100 We'll see. You're going to make me eat this and it had fallen on the ground before?

Speaker 10 Do whatever you want. Oh.

Speaker 6 William, has anyone ever told you you look like Carrot Top's floor after he shaved his balls?

Speaker 6 It's a compliment. I love Carrot Top.
I love Carrot Top. Yeah.
One of my favorite comedians, Carrot Top,

Speaker 6 David Lucas,

Speaker 6 and

Speaker 6 Seinfeld.

Speaker 67 I love that list.

Speaker 43 That's quite the list you have there.

Speaker 15 Carrot Top.

Speaker 143 Not in that order.

Speaker 20 David Lucas and Seinfeld.

Speaker 107 Yep.

Speaker 6 That's my dream show. Open for those free, same show for one of those fucking charities the first guy was talking about.

Speaker 6 I love the small, the quiet joke thing, William, with like some sweet music underneath it, like some drums or something.

Speaker 151 Maybe just some music.

Speaker 6 Like that? I would fucking listen to a whole album of you doing that.

Speaker 116 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 6 We do a joke with that?

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 76 Well.

Speaker 130 Thank y'all so much for being here, Austin, Texas. It is really a nice time.
I've actually been having a pretty rough go of it recently.

Speaker 130 I think I have some sort of cancer in my tummy, but it's making it, so I'm not really hungry.

Speaker 130 So I am losing weight, so that kind of helps because sometimes I see these fat asses walking on the street, and I just think, what is their fucking issue? It's like, is it a gland problem?

Speaker 130 Is it a self-control problem? It's just these fat, nasty people I see, and I just want to fucking shoot them with the gun that I have. But yeah, it's so nice to be here, Austin.

Speaker 130 I'm hoping I can be around for a little longer, but I really haven't been feeling good recently.

Speaker 130 But it seems like John and I are maybe some buddies.

Speaker 100 so maybe you can inching a little close bud

Speaker 105 uh

Speaker 105 um

Speaker 130 red band help me

Speaker 16 i think though the you know i'm i'm just trying to take it all in here and the thing that stands out to me is you

Speaker 63 you know The Killtony fan base, I think the thing that's going to stand out to the universe that listens to us and you every single week is this not screaming thing.

Speaker 31 Have we found out

Speaker 114 you have you have stopped screaming?

Speaker 13 I'm stopping.

Speaker 130 I'm not going to fucking scream anymore.

Speaker 64 I can't, Tony.

Speaker 85 I'm literally in horrible pain right now.

Speaker 130 I was scared to come up here tonight. I was scared to death.
I haven't gotten strep throat in many years. I got my tonsils taken out with my brother Vance.

Speaker 130 Yeah, it's not good. So I just can't yell anymore.
So we're going to go quiet. And if it doesn't work quiet, I'm going to move back home to to Memphis and just fucking quit doing comedy.

Speaker 130 I'm like, I'm getting to the part where I'm getting sick of this shit, and I'm gonna keep going.

Speaker 99 Really? You gotta keep going.

Speaker 98 Do you ever go through times like that, John?

Speaker 130 Where you don't wanna keep on doing it?

Speaker 130 What helps you make it through?

Speaker 118 I reach out to my friends.

Speaker 51 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 130 Could I get your number after this? I'm not even kidding. Could I? Absolutely.
Because I really need somebody like you right now.

Speaker 90 Okay. Oh, yeah.
Okay, well.

Speaker 100 No, I was kidding. I thought you were.
Yeah, you can't say it right in front of everybody.

Speaker 100 But yeah, Tony, I don't know.

Speaker 130 I'm going to have to, We're going to have to see. I'm going to have to evolve.
I'm going to have to change everything up.

Speaker 26 So when it comes to screaming,

Speaker 62 you have stopped.

Speaker 130 I'm done.

Speaker 10 Heard it here.

Speaker 130 I'm finished screaming. It's completely stopped.
It's done, Tony.

Speaker 65 Well, D-Madness says he doesn't believe you.

Speaker 129 What do you have to say to D?

Speaker 39 Look D in the eyes and tell him.

Speaker 32 Oh, look D in the eyelids.

Speaker 129 Look D in the eyelids.

Speaker 6 You missed it earlier. When William was getting really, really honest, D Madness goes, I can see I can see the darkness

Speaker 116 So funny

Speaker 130 But yeah Tony so we'll see oh excuse me D-Madness what

Speaker 130 But yeah, so we'll see Tony.

Speaker 153 I don't know it might be bubbling up.

Speaker 47 I feel like the yelling is I could I could just do sound bits of everything he says.

Speaker 93 Yeah, we're gonna need sound effects of him back in the day when he was in his prime yelling

Speaker 130 Yeah, so I'm gonna get on the red band get on there.

Speaker 100 Will you be able to help me with that

Speaker 115 okay I don't know if you have any idea how fast red band moves but it's yeah it's gonna take a couple weeks

Speaker 56 it's got to do about 425 hours of VR and then he's gonna get around to it

Speaker 51 we'll circle around

Speaker 6 okay thanks mate yeah you could get audio sound bites and play them and you can like lip sync to them you know that's a really great idea maybe i can do that maybe like singers do that right singers do that their songs so you could do that for your jokes you could do that but Like, here, I'll do it for you, right?

Speaker 6 Like, do it. Let's do it.
Like, talk to, like, I'll lip sync to you, right?

Speaker 71 Okay.

Speaker 78 Hey, how's it going?

Speaker 6 Oh, wait, no. So you don't.

Speaker 6 So

Speaker 6 you don't talk, but you move your mouth like a marionette, and I'll do you. Like, I could be backstage for you, right?

Speaker 71 Let's do it.

Speaker 6 Ah, hi, guys.

Speaker 6 So lately, I've been going through a tough time.

Speaker 6 I know I look like Ronald McDonald if cocaine was his happy meal.

Speaker 6 But that's just because I'm having a fucking rock quack.

Speaker 6 I fucking look like Sasquatch fucking Chucky Doll.

Speaker 6 I look like fucking Casey Rocket's dad.

Speaker 6 I look like if I shave my beard, there's just a sign that says, yeah, I got HPV.

Speaker 10 You tricked me.

Speaker 27 What?

Speaker 144 You tricked me.

Speaker 6 And I never take a shit off.

Speaker 6 All right.

Speaker 57 That's this episode of Kill Tony brought to you by DraftKings. Everyone's going to get a refund at the door on your half.

Speaker 22 The drawing from Ryan G-Bolt is in.

Speaker 136 The drawing from Chris Rogers is right over there.

Speaker 95 Let's see what he got today.

Speaker 57 Ooh, Ari Maddie.

Speaker 95 Wow, Ari had the night off tonight, but that's beautiful.

Speaker 110 How about another hand for the best

Speaker 59 in the land?

Speaker 86 Make some noise

Speaker 95 for the debut of Jeremy, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 20 Jeremy, what do you want to plug tonight?

Speaker 20 Plug something, Jeremy.

Speaker 6 Oh, shit. So, you guys, you find me on TikTok at Dash What's Up

Speaker 6 But I'm a real big fan of his comedian Adam Ray and he's got his Dr. Phil live shows in theaters.
Big tour starting to AdamRayComedy.com and he's got a fully improvised show. Live stream October 30th.

Speaker 6 Buy your tickets at AdamRay.live.

Speaker 20 How about one more time for the Kill Tony debut of John Chris, everybody?

Speaker 22 Huge fucking tour.

Speaker 20 Tickets at johnchriscomedy.com is podcast net positive.

Speaker 22 Thank you, John.

Speaker 21 Absolutely. One more time for John and Jeremy, everybody.

Speaker 36 Thank you to DraftKings, Red Band.

Speaker 53 Thank you guys so much.

Speaker 76 I love you all.

Speaker 11 We love you. Thank you.
Good night, everybody.