#684 - JOHN CRIST + SECRET GUEST

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

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Everything golden pony, including his tour dates, at tonyhinchcliffe.com.

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And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Man coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Keep it up for Tony Hitchfant.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Yeah,

you made it, motherfuckers.

This is the number one live podcast in the world brought to you by DraftKings.

This is Kiltoni.

Hi, everybody.

How about one more time for the best.

Oh, this is Red Band, everyone.

There he is.

One more time for the best stand band in the land, huh?

Come on.

That's grooveline horns.

The great Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo.

Ha ha ha.

Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Raul Vallejo on the horns.

Look who else is joining us on horns tonight.

Kill Tony legend Jetsky Jesse Johnson, ladies and gentlemen.

Over here, the great Matt Muelling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and this is D-Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen.

Live in the flesh, the real deal.

A fantastic episode planned for y'all.

Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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if you thought goldenly breaded mcdonald's chicken couldn't get more golden think golder because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here made for your chicken favorites at participate in mcdonald's for limited time are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what?

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guest, it is his first time joining the show.

Very, very awesome comedian.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for tonight's guest, John Christ, everybody.

Come on,

hell yeah,

John.

Welcome, John.

Have a seat.

Yeah, sit there.

Yeah.

John Chris, about to go on a huge tour.

Tickets available at johnchriscomedy.com.

It's like Christ, but without the H.

Hi, John.

That's a good way to say that.

I'll take it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm good at figuring out ways to spell it.

Without the H.

Yeah.

Right.

Mike Hinchcliffe is H plus H, Cliff plus E.

It's a haiku to start the show.

It's 11 letters.

Not easy to spell.

Dude, I don't know when I graduate high school.

That's how I learned how to say it and spell it, actually.

crazy.

Yeah.

Red band.

H plus H, Cliff plus C.

There you go.

The great Jetsky Johnson also joining us again.

Just a reminder: she chimes in sometimes through the show,

and we reward her with not only laughs, but also a vroom, vroom, vroom.

Where you go like

that.

You guys do that.

Do it.

You guys can do better than that.

Do it again.

There you go.

There you go.

Red Band really overpowering you guys

thinking that that makes sense there, but it's okay.

It's the least of our worries in this wonderful world.

John, welcome to the show.

We're going to see some comedy tonight.

We're going to talk to comedians.

We're going to figure out what makes them tick.

I have 238 sign-ups in this bucket tonight.

I swear, there's a lot.

They're everywhere.

There's so many.

You almost ruined somebody's stream.

It just fell out of it.

incredible.

That's the end.

I'll put these back in.

If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them.

And then I conduct an interview and we talk to them and we figure out more about them and what they could possibly have going on in their lives or what makes them special.

Every episode is totally different.

Every episode is improvised.

Anything can happen as we go wrangle the comedian from across the street.

I'm going to introduce a regular on the show, ladies and gentlemen.

I present to you, kicking off tonight's show, with a brand new 60 Seconds, a legend of Kiltony, a Hall of Famer in Kiltony.

We are starting the show with a Hall of Famer.

You guys met this man

one week after my monumental cancellation, in which my career has never been been the same since,

May 2021, he was sleeping in his van, doing too many open mics everywhere in front of empty rooms.

Now he sells out all over the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise.

Sing it if you know the words.

This is Hans Kim.

Hey!

So China recently landed a rover on the moon, so now there's fentanyl there.

You know, doctors, they're not allowed to say retard anymore.

They're going to go up to the mother and say, congratulations, sir.

Your child is going to be a kill Tony Golden Ticket winner.

A lot of women love drag shows, which I think is hilarious.

Drag is where men dress up and pretend to be women.

Can you imagine if there was a show where a woman dressed and acted like a dude?

We would beat the fuck out of her.

A lot of people are worried about drag queens grooming children during story hour.

I am not worried because straight men still exist.

And we're undefeated, baby.

You got story hour.

We got private islands and jets.

We're gonna molest the shit out of your kids.

All right, that's what I tired.

Thank you.

Hans Kim.

Dissing China right from the get.

Anything for you, Tony?

Fuck those Chinese motherfuckers.

Whoa, Jesus.

Hey, whoa.

Good lord, Almighty.

How's it going, Hans?

I'm doing great, Tony.

I'm living life.

I recently moved into a beautiful new apartment.

I'm really close to Brian Redband.

Ooh.

Oh, my goodness.

What's that like living close to Brian Redband?

You smell smells.

It kind of smells.

Yes.

Oh, my goodness.

A lot of fried food.

So,

what's your apartment like?

What's the new place like?

It's a high-rise.

I got a good view of everyone working hard.

I'm just in my apartment writing about drag and children getting molested.

Everyone else is working on it.

I love it.

John, you ever seen Hans Kim before?

I just in the green room.

Yeah, there you go.

Very attractive woman here.

Yeah.

No, he does have a hot white girlfriend.

Yeah, she's wearing a little black dress tonight.

You can see a lot of her white skin, which I love.

Wow.

I don't know what to do with that.

It's great.

No, I know.

He doesn't give us much to work with here.

It's an incredible shirt you have.

Teal, there's almost a collar, but not really a collar.

Where do you get something like that?

Amazon.com.

Amazon.com.

Not even the app, ladies and gentlemen.

He goes through the Safari.

And who pressed it for you?

I actually iron all my clothes myself.

It kind of runs in the family.

Yeah.

That joke deserved more than that.

I feel like I was great.

That was good.

Hans is doing good.

What else is going on in life, Hans?

It's been a few weeks since we've seen you.

Tell us more about your...

I'm recently incorporated.

I'm a proud proprietor of Low Effort Content LLC.

That's the name of your company?

Yeah.

Wow.

A lot of podcasts and live streams.

But yeah, I recently went on tour with the great Jesse Jetsky Johnson.

We were the killers.

We killed it.

Yeah.

Where'd you go?

What cities?

We did Denver and Omaha and sold out.

Tony, you're so amazing that you're selling out theaters when you're not even there.

I completely agree.

It is unbelievable what we've been able to do with our little universe.

Well, I love it.

Anything fun happen when you were on the road in those places?

We went to a restaurant.

They closed it out for us.

David Lucas has an inside scoop.

He's familiar with

the lower gang members.

What kind of restaurant was it?

It was like a Korean restaurant.

Ooh.

Hans also took us to a gay bar, and then Cam and David and I paid the cover and we're looking for him.

And he was waiting outside because he didn't want to pay the covers.

Hans

is a notorious miser.

Very, very thrifty man, thus the Amazon shirt.

How much was that shirt on Amazon?

This is $25.

Whoa.

That's actually a lot more than I thought it was worth.

Was that Easter clearance sale?

Like, what was that?

It's the pastel colors.

You know?

All right.

That'sn't the headliner I thought, Tony.

I thought he pays the cover for all the other.

I will say, Cam did pay for me and David, and I was like, you don't have to.

He's like, I got you.

And then Hans, where are you?

We're texting him.

He's like, I'm by the entrance.

And we thought he was by the, he was outside the entrance

what happened Hans what was going through your mind I was uh standing out there I went in and the guy touched me very weird and then I went in and they were like it's $15 and I was like oh let me wait for the crew to come in let me make sure that they're in there I don't want to spend money if they're not going to be in there and then turns out they were in there the whole time and I was just waiting outside.

How long were you waiting outside for?

Probably like 30 minutes.

Yeah, it was a long time.

Wow.

And I don't think it was a gay bar, but David Jolly saw everyone dancing.

He was like, this shit's gay.

We got to get at it.

Any bar can be a gay bar if David Jolly says so.

So, Hans, when you went in the gay bar, anything cool happened in there?

I got in and I left immediately.

I really didn't get to see any gayness.

I mean.

Did you ask for a refund?

I was like, hey, I got to pay for Amazon shirts.

Give me my money back.

Oh, all right, Hansie.

Fun times, way to get the show started.

Ladies and gentlemen, a new minute from Hans King.

Solid.

Solid minute.

And here we go to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen.

This is where shit gets wild.

This is where we meet somebody.

Could be somebody's first time ever on stage.

Could be somebody that's been doing it 20 years, hoping and waiting to get a chance to make it on this show.

Could be the next star of comedy.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you your first bucket pull of the night.

60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Duncan Stone Street, everybody.

Here comes Duncan Stone Street.

What's going on?

Y'all probably can't tell by looking at me, but I fucking love Lizzo.

I do.

Most of my friends, they tell me all the time that's disgusting.

You shouldn't like big girls like that.

I can't believe you admit that.

I'm from Mississippi.

We don't brag about catching the smallest fish.

You know what I mean?

Nobody thinks of it that way.

But I do.

I fucking love Lizzo.

I get the same feeling seeing her as when I see like a fresh rotisserie chicken at three in the afternoon after day drinking and I got $18 left and you know that one you need to survive.

Yeah, I love her, man.

I was on her side when she got all that negative press, too, you know?

I don't know if y'all heard she shoved a banana in a stripper's pussy and tried to make one of the backup dancers eat it.

Y'all hear about that?

Allegedly.

But I was on her side.

I thought we should point out the positives, you know.

At least her big ass is eating fruit now.

It's the wrong lips, but it starts a start, you know?

Hey, my name is Duncan Stone Street, y'all.

That's my time.

Thank y'all.

Y'all were so kind.

Stone Street.

Welcome, Duncan.

Is this your first time on the show?

Yes, sir.

Absolutely.

You're so polite.

I love the sirs coming.

Where are you from?

I'm from Star, Mississippi.

Storm?

Star.

Star, Mississippi.

What's Star, Mississippi known for?

Faith Hill's from there.

If you ever heard of her.

Yeah, is there a lot of people in Star, Mississippi?

No, actually, if you Google it on the Google right now, it'll tell you zero people live there.

If you Google it on the Google.

Yeah.

How far are you from where Forrest Gump was raised?

Not too far.

I bet.

It's two R's.

Star with two R's.

Is it or no?

No, it's just one.

One R.

No, two R's would be too hard for everybody to put at the end.

I feel like there's a lot of R's there.

Yeah.

There's also a lot of R's in dir.

What do you do for work, Duncan?

Well,

This last month, man, I've just been road tripping it.

I went and crashed with a buddy and did comedy for like a month in Phoenix and hung out and seen what the scene was like out there.

And it was fucking rad.

Yeah, what was rad about it?

Out there in Phoenix.

Man, it was wild.

I woke up one night with a bag of cocaine.

And I don't do cocaine at all.

Wow.

How did you know it was cocaine if you don't do it?

Well, I was at this bar and I saw this dude doing a lot of cocaine and he offered me some.

And then, like, we hung out.

I said, no, we're shooting pool.

Fugitive too many drinks later.

You know, you hit that point of the night where you just don't remember a lot.

And then I just woke up the next day and it was in my pocket.

Isn't that an amazing, magical story?

Yeah,

it was a miracle, dude.

I needed the money.

I flipped that shit.

Did you?

Did you sell the cocaine?

How much did you sell it for?

Oh, man.

My mom's watching.

Gonna watch this.

I was about to say it.

Oh,

it was enough to, you know, cover a couple tabs for the next couple nights.

So I was open, Michael.

I mean, wow.

I didn't know.

You just sniffled after you said that.

Yeah,

I'm gonna stay with a buddy who has a cat, and I'm like, fucking dying.

Okay.

Yeah.

So what do you think really happened?

You think your buddy slipped a bag of cocaine in your pocket?

You think you had some crazy?

We're not the cops.

No,

I was at the bottom.

Were you with the white trash tooth fairy there?

No, it is Tempe.

Oh, Tempe.

That's where the White Trash Tooth Fairy lives.

I woke up with a bag of cocaine under my pillow.

Right.

But yeah, I don't know.

Like, I thought I had gotten drugged because I called my girl the next day.

I was like, yeah, I have this whole

block of time I don't remember.

And I didn't like have any money gone that I didn't know about or nothing.

And I was like, jokes on him.

I mean, he put a drug in my drink.

I had a good night and I got his cocaine, you know, so fuck that guy.

Absolutely.

You said you have a girlfriend?

Yes, sir.

How long you been with her?

October coming up will be a year.

Okay.

And she's still in Starr, Mississippi?

No, she's in, she's in Hattisburg.

It's about an hour away from Starr.

Holy goodness.

How did you meet her?

Well,

she works at a tattoo shop that my dad used to work at and help open.

And, yeah, just years ago, and there, stopping by.

What do you mean stopping by?

Yeah, what do I do?

Well, like, I've had a lot of weird jobs.

So, like, I travel from the top of Mississippi to the bottom.

So, like, I'm always just fucking stopping by.

I don't, you know, what the.

You say,

you had a weird job?

We never.

You had a weird job?

I've had a lot of them, man.

What was the weird job where you would go from the top to the bottom of Mississippi?

I used to deliver seafood, gumbos, bisques, and pies for this.

Can you name all the types of seafood that you would have?

have?

What types of shrimp was there exactly?

So you got barbecued shrimp, there was cocktail shrimp, brine shrimp,

there was everything.

Please tell me your girlfriend's name is Jenny.

I'm going to lose my fucking mind right now.

I swear it was

I had a lot of weird jobs.

I was in the military for a while, spend some time on the base out in Phoenix.

It's been a crazy life.

I'm actually, my last name's Stone Street because my great-great-great-grandfather was the first to put a stone on a street.

Had to come from somewhere, man.

Keep naming the seafood.

What kind of seafood were you delivering?

Well, we would make like seafood pies.

You had,

yeah, it's the most disgusting shit ever.

You got like lobster bisque, crawfish bisques.

Keep going.

You had shrimp gumbos,

crawfish gumbos.

You had,

man, it was just nasty though.

It had like a bunch of heavy cream in it.

And the guy that I worked for, he sucked balls.

I hated that guy.

Keep naming seafood.

Oh, there's

king crabs bisques.

You know?

I said lobsters already.

Lobster gumbos and bisques.

Alright, there's a lot of bisques.

Mostly bisque.

It's for white people, and you know, they just, you know,

gumbo's for poor people, and bisque is for, like, rich people.

Absolutely.

Insider info.

Yeah, absolutely.

And usually the poor people's shit is way better.

Yeah.

Would you sneak some gumbo sometimes?

Would you thaw some out on a hot Mississippi day?

Fuck that guy.

I would take, yeah.

One time he made me scrape all this ice off some shit, and I was so mad.

So before I left, I popped all the lids on this shit in the freezer and left before I quit

I can't tell if this is a character or the real guy oh it's the real guy

it's the real guy

I hated that guy

wow

amazing where was this during the one minute set you should have talked about this I feel like it's I couldn't

seafood quick enough it wouldn't have it wouldn't all fit in a minute

I love it so your one-year anniversary with your girlfriend's coming up what is her first name Samantha So, what are you planning on getting Samantha for your one-year anniversary?

I don't know.

We're more of a trip couple.

Like, we like to take like little weekend trips and stuff.

Okay.

So,

where are you thinking about taking her?

Oh, man, to the bedroom as soon as I get home first.

Oh, my goodness.

Fucking do you have any special moves in the bedroom when you fucking forest hump?

No, not really.

I just, you know,

you know, you just eat it for a while, and then.

Is hers more of a bisque or a gumbo?

The best bisque.

The best bisque they got.

That's amazing.

Yeah, best bisque on earth, you know?

That's right.

Definitely.

Just an elaboration on the mic to the chin.

Oh, shit.

Sorry.

Am I not supposed to be?

No, it's just

it makes me more comfortable.

Yeah, keep it there.

Yeah.

I don't want to.

Put it back.

No, put it back.

There you go.

Keep it there.

Keep it there for the rest of this set.

If you remove it, we're going to fucking super glue it to you.

Last thing before I let you go.

Craziest thing that you can think about, we would find intriguing about your entire life.

My entire life?

I mean, geez, we learned so much just from your seafood chat.

Man, I've seen some wild shit.

I grew up in a tattoo shop.

My dad was a tattoo artist most of my life.

Has he passed away now?

No, no, no.

Oh, you talked about it.

No, he's close to it.

He's got like diabetes and shit.

I bet he does.

How do you think he got diabetes?

What's his

sitting in a chair for 20-something years doing tattoos, eating pizza and wings every fucking day?

Just

man.

I'm sweating over here.

Nervous.

Well, you got the money to sit down and not do shit.

It's nice, man.

That's fucking great.

I love it.

Any special skills or talents?

I play a little guitar and stuff like that, but I don't want to wait, you know.

When's the last time you played guitar?

Probably

at the dude I'm staying with's house before we left to come hang out.

You played guitar today?

Yes, sir.

How long have you been playing guitar?

Well,

I didn't start learning songs until I quit smoking weed for like a month.

I thought I had like a mental block for a long time.

I was like, I don't got no rhythm.

And then you realize.

Yeah, I was like, I'm just retarded.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Matt, what do you think?

Should we let this guy fucking...

Well, I think this is an amazing opportunity because we have a brand new guest guitar.

Oh, we do.

Yeah, let's go.

Where do we get that guitar from again?

This is a gift from our fan, Casey Butler.

Okay, where's it at?

He's in Mississippi, I believe.

Wait,

how ironic.

That's wild, yeah.

And you're going to fucking tear this thing up.

It started in Mississippi, and it's ending up in the hands of a man from Mississippi.

Is that still where you live?

What the fuck?

Put that mic on your chin.

The hell are you talking to Michael Gonzalez?

Music info, man.

We got a fucking.

Oh, really?

Okay.

Where's the fucking guitar?

Jesus Christ.

My God, can we fucking guess?

It's a nice guitar.

Can I talk about this thing for a second?

Yeah, talk about the guitar.

He put a kill Tony Pitt guard up here at the top.

Wow.

The logo is there.

He put a bullet toggle switch in this thing.

Whoa.

He put revolver

volume and tone knobs on this thing.

Yeah, the barrels of a gun.

Yeah, it's Kiltoni themed.

It's all the way through.

It's a lesson.

Kill Tony to the

Gibson.

It's bad as fuck.

I'm going to make sure it's in tune before he plays.

Oh, okay, great.

This is great.

I'm so glad we got this brand new Kiltoni guitar in case of emergencies.

Somebody might have to play.

Perfect time to tune it is live, ladies and gentlemen.

Live.

We're going to find out which one's the more retarded guitar player tonight, everybody.

I think we know.

Welcome to another episode of Mentally Guitarded with Matt Muelling and Duncan Stone Street.

This is absolutely incredible.

I've never played with other people before, so this is gonna be wild.

It's ready to go

Captain Jokes is what Matt Muelling just said.

All right, can we get a better system of passing this guitar, perhaps?

Yeah, we gotta figure some kind of

seven producers standing around looking at how to

teleport a physical object using the force.

Here we go.

Okay.

Alright, no, this is perfect.

We'll hand it the bullet.

Oh, we have the guest, actually, as the roadie right now.

This is amazing.

A fucking $8,000 guitar

isn't causing...

Oh, it's a bullet.

There's bullets on the strap, too?

It's absolutely incredible.

Just...

what the fuck is going on?

This is the goddamn.

There's still no producers on stage.

We figured out a system for the fucking.

What a pile of shit our producers are tonight.

I'm kidding.

Don't give me a fucking sad face, you goofballs.

Oh, we fucked up.

There's no way you could have known.

All right, you should.

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

Boss?

Okay, wait, ladies and gentlemen.

Wait, what?

Does he want a pick?

Do you want a pick?

Oh, he brought his own pick.

I brought my own pick.

Yeah.

I used to carry this pick in my pocket while delivering gumbos.

Brought my own, brother.

All right, let's see.

Let's do it.

sure, it didn't take too long.

Woke up in the morning, she's gone.

And note that she wrote that, say, de John.

It's a goodbye, sucker, I'm gone.

Wow, ladies and gentlemen, I fucking got it.

Three chords and a shitty voice.

I'm so glad we waited five minutes for that guitar to make it over to you.

That was an absolutely incredible performance.

This is one of the worst interviews I've ever handled in my life.

I take the blame completely.

No, no, not you.

You did great.

I should have fucking...

I should have milked you and turned it into bisque.

You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, brother.

Oh, there's the lovely...

See, this is what I'm talking about.

Wow.

Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Heidi, everybody.

Wow.

And Duncan, you know what?

Even though you just talked about Lizzo for your 60 seconds, and I'd love to hear you talk more about you and about your life, I'm still going to give you a big joke book.

There he goes.

Duncan Stone Street, ladies and gentlemen.

All right.

We got another bucket pull.

By the way, I was kidding around.

How about a hand for the amazing producers here at Kill Kill Tony?

Yoni, Christy,

everybody.

It's amazing.

The greatest team on planet Earth.

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Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

All right, your next bucket pull.

I love one-word names.

This should be exciting.

Make some noise for Jeremy, ladies and gentlemen.

Jeremy.

What's up, Bukami Mother Shib?

Make some motherfucking noise if you're in some motherfucking noise.

So I can't wait to lose my virginity.

The toughest part about losing your virginity is saving up all the money to pay for it.

And that's what's up.

I already know what flavor I'm going to get too.

Black.

That's the freakiest flavor according to Siri.

Siri, who's...

Siri, who's got two thumbs and got a bad case of jungle fever?

Lisa.

And that's what's up.

I'll probably...

Austin's got a lot of homeless people.

She should just stay with your mom like me.

It's way cheaper.

working about worst part about staying with your mom though is her fucking boyfriend jerry

i fucking want to kill this fucking guy

i've legit thought about it

here's my impression of my mom's boyfriend jerry fucking her oh oh i'm fucking gay i'm i'm gay

i'm gay but i fucking fuck pussy

And that's what's up.

I know a lot of people.

I know a lot of people.

I know a lot of people say, oh, you look like a guy that goes to the Paralympics just to heckle the,

just to heckle all boom.

I mean, it'd be like, oh, I should give you a standing ovation.

You can't even get up and give me one.

But, no, it's all good.

Hey, there's so many handicapped.

How many hand...

How many handicapped people do you think they're at the Paralympics?

Every time I watch the the Paralympics, I was like, am I watching an episode of Kill Tony?

And that's what I talked about.

That's what I time, March.

Wow.

Jeremy, thank you so much.

Unbelievable.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

You're welcome, Jeremy.

Jesus.

Wow.

Well written.

I gotta tell you,

this is your first time on the show, right, Jeremy?

Oh, first time doing Santa.

Footing Santa, man.

Wow.

I talk a lot of shit on Xbox Live, but that's not.

And I feel like pretty funny, but you know, it's one of those things where you just gotta.

Fuck, I'm sorry.

I'm super fucking nervous right now.

I'm so fucking nervous.

Is Joe Rogan here right now?

No.

No, he's not.

Don't let him watch this.

This is my first time.

That has to be one of the best first-time sets I've ever seen in my entire life on this show.

Yeah.

This is incredible.

So I don't even know where to begin, Jeremy.

Jeremy, Jeremy, how old are you?

Let's start there, because you are a deceptive figure.

There's a lot going on there.

You have the

face of a man, the hair of an older man, yet it's acne.

I can tell you, I can tell you.

There's a lot of acne.

There's some snot

coming out of your nose.

Braces.

Braces, yes.

Red man, braces.

Fuck you, red man.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Wow.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Amazing.

Unbelievable stuff.

Are you a big Joel McHale fan?

Is that who that is?

Oh, fucking shoe.

What?

I fucking love.

Yeah, so is Michael Gonzalez.

Joel McHale, you ever watched Max Singer?

Or he's on a show on Fox called Animal Control, where he's always trying to help out animals and stuff.

I'm a big animal guy.

And there'll be like a raccoon coming in.

The raccoon's like,

and Joel's like, I'll fucking, I'll fucking save you, man.

I'll put you back with your family.

And

yeah, but it's not my favorite show.

Naked in a phrase, my favorite show.

Cause,

oh yeah, cuz fucking free shit.

Free tits.

Who loves free tits?

No, but it's it's all good.

I'm 38.

Wow, Jeremy, what have you been doing with your life up until this point?

What's going on over there?

I just got something out of you.

You pulled something out of your other pocket.

Oh, it's chill.

It's just so cute.

I just read why I keep one of my personal belongings in the fanny pack.

We have a segment on this show.

Anytime anybody wears a fanny pack, it's called What's In That Fanny Pack.

You guys want to play a game of What's In That Fanny Pack?

And so I say the words, Jeremy, what's in that fanny pack?

What if I was just like, a fucking gun?

There's not.

There's not.

There's not.

There's not.

There's not.

But that'd be so fucking boring if I was like, fucking.

Oops, wrong night to come to the show.

So it's a pretty standard pretty standard fanny pack two pockets I got some uh CBD rub on for

for your uh for whatever hurts

got myself a little nature's bakery fig bar raspberry arguably the best flavor of fig bar

I got my lucky five.

I went to my first trip club two weeks ago in Austin.

The Velvet, was it?

The

rose.

Red rose.

Red Rose.

Holy shit.

i mean okay i they i didn't get a dance but i found a five and i was like

and let's just say it still smells like whatever it was

got some fluffs

Got some weed, which I'm looking hopefully to smoke with you guys after the show.

I've never smoked weed either.

So I told myself, if I get pulled out of the bucket, I'm getting fucking high tonight.

and I'll get so high and then my allergies are kicking in so clear damn

got some loose tumes I got some loose tumes

cuz

because you never know when you're gonna get fucking diarrhea right red band

oh and then I got I went to Vegas about a month ago for my buddy's bachelor party and they already split up because he fucking we went to this donkey show and

he didn't do anything with the donkey but

but he was like

he got wild.

And he's there, so they're splitting up.

You have it.

Something fell.

Something.

Oh, I don't got more tums, bitch.

And then, so we stayed in the Tropic Cannon in Las Vegas.

Oh, shit, I thought I was about to get beat up by a blind guy.

So that's it.

What's up, Doc?

Chair.

So that's it.

That might be one of my favorite cases of what's in that fanny pack that I've ever seen.

Joel McHale should host that.

I don't know.

Wow.

You really love Joel McHale.

Pretty good.

He's a good actor.

Amazing stuff.

I thought the,

I thought when you go into a strip club with cash and then you give it, I wasn't, I don't think it comes back this way.

Jeremy, how did you?

Oh, I found it.

I didn't.

There was a girl.

She got up from dancing.

It fell out.

Fucking find her sleepers.

Oh, I'm not going to take a bite to harvell that wasn't that strippers buddy okay

okay

jeremy you're right you're right talked about uh

your mom's boyfriend i fucking hate this guy

his name's jerry so my folks split like when i was like 10 and thanks for bringing it up and it was

i mean it fucking sucked it fucking sucks i'm gonna be honest it fucking sucked but

What's your relationship with Jerry like?

He just sucked.

He's like, he's just not even, even, he's not a good guy.

He's always like, I'm going to fuck you, Muhammad.

He says that to you?

Yes.

And I'm like, you can do it.

You don't have to tell me you're going to do it.

Just do it.

I know you're doing it.

You're in my room while I'm sleeping doing it.

I know you're doing it.

Yeah, it's but it's really he's just not a good guy.

And but she's she's picks the losers and I fucking and I always talk shit and he always fucking he gets physical with he doesn't push me, but he always does this shit.

Fuck you know he does that shit.

And I don't know if you've ever been eating fucking your fucking cereal and somebody's like, shut up.

No.

Never.

Wait a second.

Uh-oh.

I'm like, okay, stay with me.

This no joke, I live in San Antonio.

This no joke happened two weeks ago.

I wake up, I go downstairs, fuck going downstairs, right?

I fucking take a shit, I go get some fucking fruit loops, favorite cereal, what's up?

And I'm sitting down, I'm fucking slamming with the fruit loops, and you fucking out here,

and I was like, fuck.

And he comes downstairs and he goes, what's up, bitch?

And I fucking spilled my fruit loops.

And then I bent down to pick him up.

And he got down on the floor and goes, fucking eat that shit off the floor.

I was like, that's a little aggressive, Jerry.

I'm just going to go fucking back to my room.

He fucking ran around the hallway and met me on the other side of the bathroom.

And I fucking, right at the bottom of the staircase, I opened my eyes because I went scared.

I close my eyes when I run.

And

I get around the corner and I open my eyes and I go, oh shit.

And he goes, fuck up, you think I was going to fucking just disappear on you?

So I fucking hate him.

And because I want to rap, I want to be a rapper.

And he always tells me.

Wait, what?

Okay.

So I go, can I,

I haven't rapped live and I haven't, so I was like, you know, and he's like, you fucking, because you fucking,

oh, God.

You fucking can't.

You fucking can't.

Oh, Michael, you missed another one.

Oh, you fucking can't.

So he's always just so discouraging about me trying to do anything positive with my life.

And so I hit him for that too.

I'm like, I'm gonna rap, and one day I'm gonna rap.

Most of my raps consist of like, you know, I'm gonna fucking kill Jerry someday, you know.

Wait, hit me real quick.

You have a rap?

Are you about to ladies and gentlemen rapping?

Calling his own shots, Jeremy, ladies and gentlemen.

Yo,

yo, yo,

I'll get into bed.

Put my fucking therapeutic pillow on my head.

I'm gonna sleep tight.

I'm gonna sleep right with my night light.

Psych,

I'm touching my dick

to your mom's sweet titch.

I'm gonna come in your serial.

Welcome to your happy bill.

This is how we throw.

This is how we roll.

Don't meet me in the streets.

I've got the meets.

If you see me naked, I'ma fuck you up.

You best believe me.

That's what's up.

Wow.

Jeremy.

Jack watched up.

Jeremy, you're so in touch with the band and music.

It is incredible.

I wouldn't have guessed that.

She's got to listen.

Wow.

You just got to follow the beat, Tony.

I'm learning a lot from you here tonight, Jeremy.

Yeah, I fucking hate it.

I hate him.

I don't know.

I just wanted to be happy.

You have a phone on you?

Yeah, you guys locked it up, though.

Yeah, of course.

You're a bucket pool.

You're a hazard.

I mean, anything could happen here.

This is a real show.

But you do have

your mom's boyfriend's phone number, right?

Oh, I have to have it in case of emergency.

Can we unlock Jeremy's phone?

How many of you think we should call the guy that's fucking his mom, huh?

Oh, hi.

All right, kind of a lackluster applause from the audience on that, even though.

How about another hand for the lovely Heidi, huh?

Thanks, Heidi.

Oh, he's got it.

Oh, fuck.

I don't think it's just a good idea, Tony.

So you're going to put it on speakerphone after you hit it, and then you're going to put the...

Okay.

Yeah, or I could call him for real, Red Band.

Yeah, the phone doesn't ring when you call somebody, Red Band.

I've been meaning to tell you that for 11 and a half years, but.

Okay.

I haven't talked to him in like a week, so he's going to be.

All right, here we go.

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

There you go.

Fucking piece of shit.

What's up, little tits?

Fuck you, Jerry.

What's up?

What do you want?

I don't know.

I'm on this show, and then I should call you to say what's up.

Oh, yeah, well, I already said what's up.

So what else?

Do you have anything new to say?

Just I'm a fucking...

you better fucking watch where you sleep, bitch.

Yeah, why?

Why you think you're gonna be able to do something about it?

Yeah, I'm gonna do something about it.

Yeah.

What are you?

You're gonna go cry to your neighbor?

Little 14-year-old neighbor you got?

He's fucking his name's Tanner and he's fucking wise for his age.

Yeah, he's wise to you, I'm sure.

He's fucking fucking dude.

Tanner could fuck my mom better than you could.

Dude, Oh, is that right?

Is that right?

Well, that's not what she said yesterday.

That's not what she said last week.

Stop telling me that you fuck her.

Dude, I have to.

She has needs, bud.

I've been telling you that

you never, you'll never be my fucking dad.

Why do you keep calling me that by the way?

I am your dad.

Your other dad doesn't want you.

I barely want you, but at least I'm here.

Yeah, well,

that's your opinion

I got I got 500 friends at the comedy mothership right now that would love to suck you or that would love to

Let me take that again.

They would love to fucking fuck you up dude

Do I got the TV on?

No, I'm outside.

I got 500 friends.

You don't have 500 friends.

You'll never have 500 friends.

We all know that.

Oh, yeah.

We all know that.

You're so fucking.

Oh,

your mom's actually calling me in the other room and I think.

Fuck you, Jerry.

Farm until you date.

Wow.

Sorry, I panicked.

There he is.

Amazing.

The courage that it takes to call the man who's fucking your mother on this show is incredible.

It is what it is.

And that's what's up.

Should've been nicer to him if he gave you that whole outfit to wear.

Yeah, he did bury me these fucking Jordans.

That was pretty sweet.

I'm going to tell you what, Jeremy.

This is an

incredible set, an incredible interview.

Honored to be on the show.

Thanks for having me, Motorship.

You guys are fucking unbelievable, dude.

I've been watching this show for fucking like six years.

I live in San Antonio.

I fucking love William.

I fucking, I wrote, I thought I was going to see Hans Kim tonight.

I wrote a joke.

If I saw him, I was going to be like, Hans, if you're here, who's cutting me off in traffic without signaling?

I was going to, I had a whole fucking, and I fucking didn't get to see him, but I fucking love this show, and I just honored to be fucking, I'm honored to fucking meet you, Tony.

I'm glad that you love the show, and I'm glad that you're a fan, because that probably means that probably means that what's about to happen to you is going to be a life-changing moment.

Because, Jeremy, I would like to award you a golden ticket, everybody.

Wow,

and you know what else?

I've never done this before, especially for somebody who it's their first time on the show.

But you know what, Jeremy?

Why don't you come sit right here and join us for the rest of the show on panel?

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jeremy, Jeremy,

Jeremy has joined the show.

Hey!

Oh,

a loose tongue.

Here he comes.

Whoa.

Come here, Jeremy.

Welcome to the show.

Amazing.

It's a big day.

Wow.

What?

What?

Thank you for the lime.

For the lime?

Oh, it's a tongue.

Our fan base is so stupid.

She She thought it was a lime.

An actual lime.

She thought a tum was a fucking fruit, don't you?

Yeah.

It's an absolutely amazing.

Is a singular tums a tum?

That's a great.

Yeah, I think more than two tums is tums.

Oh.

Oh.

Wow.

Call me an Uber.

About a gift.

How in the world?

How in the world did Heidi know what Jeremy's drink is?

How do you know what a blog?

Well, I have a blog, www.jeremydrinks this on mondays.com.

So I bet Heidi subscribes

Jeremy.

We're gonna get back to this bucket with you.

How about one more time for Jeremy, ladies and gentlemen?

And we're here with John Chris and the panel debut of Jeremy.

Your next bucket pull.

We're gonna meet them all together.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Chris DiOreo.

Chris Diorio.

All right, so growing up, I had a very weird senior prom, and my date, she did not have a good night at all.

Now, to be fair, she wasn't the prettiest girl in the whole world, but man, her body

still hasn't been found.

Hope she's doing well.

Speaking of bodies, I'm feeling kind of sad because I realized recently that we could have cut the obesity epidemic in this country in half if we had just put that transgender person on a can of Mountain Dew instead.

Listen,

say what you want, but if we got rednecks to boycott Mountain Dew,

this whole country would be a CrossFit gym within six months, all right?

And listen, I never got the whole Bud Light controversy, okay?

I just thought they were trying to promote safe drinking, right?

Like you go out with your boys, you drink your Bud Lights, Lights, you look down at the can, and as soon as Dylan Mulvaney looks fuckable,

time to go home, boys.

Time to go home.

Thank you so much.

I'm Chris DiOreo.

All right, Chris DiOreo pushing me to the limit there.

How's it going, Chris?

How are you?

Doing well, thank you so much.

First time on the show, right?

Yes, sir, absolutely.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

About four years.

All right.

How old are you?

42.

42.

What made you start at 38?

That's how old Jeremy is.

He just started.

Yeah, Jeremy, you humbled me out there, man.

It was great.

Thanks, brother.

I started for a charity.

I did a charity event, an open mic competition for a charity event.

The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, shout out to them.

Okay.

And yeah, I got hooked ever since and been about four years now.

Okay, I love it.

Well, how do you make a living?

I got laid off recently, so I make a living off my wife paying for me to do things like this.

What does your wife do?

She's in marketing.

She's a marketing executive.

What did you do before you got laid off?

I was in IT sales.

Okay.

What do you do for fun?

Any hobbies or anything like that?

Yeah, I got a ton of stuff I like to do.

I travel a lot.

I'm big into whiskey.

Big whiskey guy.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Big bourbon guy.

Yeah, a lot of volunteering with charities.

Wow.

You work a lot with charities.

I do, yeah.

What's your dark side?

I found in my research that people that work a lot in charities tend to have like a, you know, like Jerry Sandusky was huge into charities.

Oh, man, yeah.

I'm all fucked up.

Yeah.

I'm a military veteran, too.

I was an Air Force guy, so that's probably where it all started.

Oh, nice.

And then

what did you do in the Air Force?

So it's called Disaster Response, Disaster Preparedness.

I joined right before 9/11.

Oh, perfect time.

Yeah, yeah.

And then.

Shout out.

Yeah, thank you.

Yeah.

Shout outs to 9-11.

It's coming right around the corner.

You have open wounds on your face, Jeremy.

Or open sores.

This is absolutely incredible.

Yeah, COVID really took a toll on everybody.

I have a question.

Yeah.

Yes, sir.

So let's say I get a woman to come back to my apartment.

What do I do?

Now we're going to the super hypothetical here.

We're talking things that may and probably will never happen, but uh theoretical variety you got probably i'd probably drug her to be honest with you no what give your what else sort of advice do you have other than that yeah what do you give your actual advice like what what would you what do you do what's your tricks to uh

you know how do you for play how do you please your wife yeah i'm i'm funny fortunately so that's about all it takes and uh she's got a great sense of humor but you can't you can't come inside her with punchlines you know what i'm saying

like i'm saying like what do i do do i start with my fingers or my fucking head like what do I do

I'd start with your personality that's that yeah yeah start with personality and then uh physically though like what do I physically you know saying yeah what do you physically yeah lower back you start with the lower back that's that yeah the lower back is like it's like the man's stomach that's the key to a woman's like push on it or what just gently yeah gently push on it well push her yeah push her a little bit towards the bedroom Oh God, okay, so

yeah, kind of gently just she'll figure it out what you're trying to do real quick.

You know, just kind of

say something like what's going on here.

Aren't you getting sleepy or something?

Feels like it's about time to go watch some Hulu, wouldn't you say?

And then just fucking push her or what?

I start with like a, where were you on 9-11 as you're kind of pushing your

towards the bedroom.

So dirty talk.

Yeah, yeah.

Chris DiOreo, what's the most interesting thing about you?

Let's see, in addition to being a veteran, I'm a certified firefighter and a Scottish lord.

So you're.

Theoretically, yep.

You've you've been in the service.

Yes, sir.

You're a volunteer firefighter.

Yes, sir.

You do a bunch of work with charity.

Yes, sir.

So where are the bodies hidden?

Yeah.

Near my high school, near my old high school, actually.

A lot of them.

No, I'm just kidding.

I'm actually, I'm a nice guy.

Okay.

What's the meanest thing you've ever done to somebody?

Holy shit.

He's like, killed a guy.

A lot of it.

That may not be mean, depending on the the person, though, right?

Theoretically?

Yeah.

You have real charity energies.

I mean, it's like

I can tell that you're used to making people laugh that aren't used to laughing.

Yeah, yeah.

Because the people here are used to laughing, and it's kind of like.

They're really good at it, yeah, thank you.

Yeah, totally.

You look like you come in your socks and then you wear them.

Well, when you're

takes one to know one.

Good traction.

And that's what's up

I'm bringing that back too

Chris do you figure out

yes, sir.

Yeah,

John?

Well, I just when he when he does like S's and P's with it it just I get spit on

It just kind of gets right here

I'll turn this way.

You have a you have a you're in the splash zone, bitch

You chose to come to the show.

Sorry, I'll try to, I'll try to.

Sorry, John.

Yes, it's that one.

Well, well, you well, maybe

change your last name, Christ.

That's really tough for me to fucking say.

Maybe you could have been John Connor from Terminator.

Is that the Terminator soundtrack?

Wow.

Sorry, I'm really sorry, though.

Yeah, don't say sorry, though, because

I apologize.

Catch on me.

Chris.

Yes, sir.

Weirdest thing in your refrigerator right now.

Ooh, probably

some of those probiotic little bottles.

But you're expired.

You have a big belly.

What do you attribute?

How do you have that?

Yeah, that's

so the way I got the Scottish lordship was I drank enough whiskey to buy a square foot of land in Scotland You bought a square foot of land with points from drinking whiskey And they made me a lord like the old Scottish way, you know when you drank your way to the top

so that's probably where this came from also my wife and I we're hoping to have a kid soon so this is like a pre-sympathy belly you're about to have a kid we're no we're hoping to I have you been coming inside of her yeah yeah when I can how long have you been how many times have you done that?

So fucking awesome.

How many attempts?

You got to try it sometime, Rhodes.

How many times have you had to guess, give or take, honest answer here?

How many times you've come inside of your wife trying to have a child and she hasn't gotten pregnant yet?

How many times have you tried?

Probably about 20.

That's it?

Yeah, we got married kind of recently.

We weren't trying for a kid until we got married.

We got married on April Fool's Day.

On April Fool's Day.

Yes, sir.

You got married.

Yes, sir.

20 times since April 1st?

Well, I'll try and have a baby, yeah.

I travel a lot, and she does, too.

Okay.

This year, this April.

Yes, sir.

You have any names picked out for the baby?

Yeah, Chris or Christine, probably.

Wow.

Big, giant egomaniac.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

All right, Chris.

Here's a little joke book.

Thank you so much.

Congratulations.

Great job, dude.

The Kill Tony debut of Chris Giorio, everybody.

And yo, here's a tone for the road.

Oh, yeah.

I could tell he's going to need that.

Great job.

He's going to want that.

You know what?

Let's get another one of our regulars up here, ladies and gentlemen.

This guy, a fucking sensation.

Everybody loves him.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the unstoppable Cam Patterson, everybody.

So, uh, writing this minute was kind of hard, and I don't really got nothing, but I got

I don't got too much right now, but I got something in my notes and I'm trying to figure out.

So, if anybody can help me, I just put uh, you gotta really be gay to like men, because women got assholes too.

I don't know where I'm going with that yet,

but it's pretty fucking funny, though.

Cause you just wanting to go to hell.

That's on you, brother.

They got the same asshole.

You could have closed, you could have blindfolded gay nigga and showed him two different assholes.

He wouldn't know the difference.

There'd be no way.

It's like, I was at, when I was in,

when I first fucked the girl when I was 17, and she told me to fuck in her ass.

And I said, no, that's gay, right?

And I went to work the next day, and all my coworkers was like, why you ain't do it, nigga, when you get older, you're going, you know what I'm saying?

You don't know that's not gay.

And I'm like, you get older, you just become gay.

That's That's crazy, right?

That's pretty fucking insane.

I don't understand.

I don't understand it.

I will tell you this, though.

I'm pretty, I like lesbians.

Lesbians is cool.

Lesbian's pretty cool.

Because, like, what's better than one piss it?

Two.

You know what I'm saying?

That's fine.

That'll work, nigga.

I'm done.

All right.

Hell yeah.

Amazing.

That'll work.

Comes out, says he doesn't have it, and then has it.

Not really.

I had the beginning of something.

Everything else was just bullshit, but it's all right.

That's we figured it out.

No, yeah.

It's great.

It worked.

Fucking worked.

Hell yeah.

Cam, the man.

Jeremy, you've seen Cam before you're a big fan.

I can tell you can't even make eye contact with him right now.

Oh, yeah.

You're so fucking funny, dude.

What do you do?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I want to say all that right back to you, but I can't do it.

And it doesn't have any S's in it either, so it's double.

It sucks.

I really want to say that.

But you're so fucking funny, dude.

The two butthole thing, I've actually thought about that too, not, but I never thought about it as a a joke, but as a show.

And what?

Because I'm always, I have, I always make up shows that Joe McHale could host.

And whose butthole is that?

Who is the hole?

Everyone said what

the Joe McHale.

You know what that is?

What'd he do?

Gene?

That's disrespectful.

How many white people, bro?

What did he do?

What did you?

Oh, okay.

The soup, animal control, Mad Singer.

Fucking community.

The soup.

The silk soup.

The soup.

Yeah.

The what?

The soup.

The what?

What?

Hold on.

Where'd she go?

Where'd that girl go?

So she went to go take it.

Stay with me.

Shit.

Shit.

That's funny.

I like that.

That's good.

Hey, game, if you're here, who's going to sell me shoe shine cleaner at the mall later?

Can I tell you some funny shit?

I will beef with them niggas for a long time.

The mall?

Yeah, I'm going shot at one of them.

One time they tried to clean my slides and I was just not having a good day.

And I was like, fuck nigga, I got slides on.

And so I had walked away because I just wasn't having a good time.

And I walked away and I was with my sisters and shit.

And I had just got a pistol for the first time.

So I was ready to shoot a nigga regardless.

So we in the mall, I got a tank top on, I'm having a bad day.

My sisters buy shit from the mall.

I ain't buy nothing.

You know what I'm saying?

So I walked back by the shoe clean nigga and he go, Fuck nigga, you ain't even buy shit, broke ass nigga.

And I was like, fuck nigga, I'll kill you.

And

I left the mall.

Was his name, Jerry, by chance?

We can kill that nigga Jerry, though.

I would love to.

We can murder that nigga.

Hell yeah.

He carries a gun in his fanny pack.

No way he does.

Okay.

Tom.

It's a tom.

It's a channel.

It's a big difference.

It's a dumb.

It's a gun for your digestive system.

You almost shot a shoe shiner before?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, that was a

low moment in my life.

Yeah.

He was black, right?

No.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was a white shoe shiner?

Nah, he was black.

I didn't want to perpetuate black on black crime on TV, though.

That's why I didn't want to do it.

So I tried to tell you a lie.

But he was black.

He was black as hell.

I love it.

Pretty fucked up.

What else is going on in your world?

Anything else crazy?

Man, I had cut my dick fucking the other day with my bracelet.

Oh, my God.

Wait,

that can actually have a possibility?

Yeah.

Yeah, it could happen.

Yeah.

How did you why?

So I spit on my hand and then I went like you understand to go.

And then this shit just cut my dick, and I was bleeding and shit.

Wait, I got the pushy supposed to be wet.

I mean, it's supposed to be wet, yeah, but you have to get your hand.

A little bit of lubricant and shit

in one of them, little extra Jeremy.

This shit is a lot of work.

You eat that before you spit on it?

I ain't talking to you, yeah.

Jeremy only spits on it.

She started a podcast, by the way.

Cam, you did it again.

We absolutely love you.

You're the best.

How low can this place get for Cam Patterson, huh?

There you go.

Jeremy, sit down, sit down.

You don't have to do that.

I was...

Is that your first time ever being

Cam Patterson live?

Being called the N-word?

Is that...

Oh, yeah.

Well, Jerry calls me it before I go to bed sometimes.

But by a real black guy, yeah.

Like, that was fucking very cool.

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We got another bucket bowl.

It's another one-name, one-word name.

Just like you, Jeremy.

It's like a theme tonight.

50% of our bucket pools have been one-word names.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Benjamin, everybody.

Here comes Benjamin.

All right, thank you, everyone.

My name is Benjamin, and I have a very weird vacation activity.

I like to get in the cars with strangers, hitchhiking.

I know you guys are looking at me.

I'm thinking the same thing.

I wouldn't pick me up either.

But I've hitchhiked all over the world, and I've seen some strange shit.

Like in Mongolia, I got in a car, there was no floor,

just two wooden planks.

How do you design your car based off of the the flintstones?

I would just think of the whole time, we're Yabba Dabba screwed.

Have to think about that one.

One thing I did enjoy about it, good cab workout.

I also

So I also

speak another language.

I speak Chinese.

A lot of people look at me.

They're like, you're American.

How does that work?

I only thought you spoke freedom.

But I do speak Chinese.

Very difficult language.

Like, for example, take these two words, kojiao and kojiao.

Sounds the same.

Very different.

One of them is face masks.

The other one is blowjob.

I was very confused at that Chinese spa.

Yeah, they asked if I wanted a face mask.

I pulled my pants down.

No happy ending.

There you go.

Thank you.

Benjamin, Benjamin, Benjamin.

Wow.

Hello, Benjamin.

Hey, what's going on, Tom?

How's it going?

What is going on?

That's a great question.

So let's talk about it.

How long have you been doing stand-up, Benjamin?

About three years.

Three years?

Where at?

Lithuania.

Wow.

How long have you been doing it in America?

One day.

One day.

So you must be funnier in Lithuanian.

Oh, yeah, much funnier.

How does it do a joke in Lithuanian?

Labas, Monovartes, Ben, Jumen,

Was that Yabba Dabba do doing

you left a long pause after the Flintstones joke while people were laughing at how unbelievably stupid the joke was?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I disagree.

You loved it.

I thought that was the best joke.

Yaba-dabba, don't not do that joke anymore.

Thank you.

Keep doing it.

Thank you.

Yabba Dabba, don't not do that joke anymore.

Yeah, I was trying to figure out how to tell him to keep doing it while also having some fun with that word.

Are you a Flintster?

Did you think about perhaps saying Yabba Dabba, do keep doing that joke?

Not until just now, Tony.

Hey,

what?

Are you a Flintstones fan?

Oh, love the Flintstones.

Who's your...

Okay, a little Flintstones trivia.

Oh,

ladies and gentlemen, this is Flintstones trivia.

Here we go.

I'm probably gonna fill out this.

Well, what's up, guys?

My name is Jeremy.

Welcome back to Do You Know the Flintstones?

I'm here with Vladi Debot.

And

sorry, I already forgot.

What was your first name again?

Benjamin.

Benjamin.

Is he Lithuanian?

He's Dugas Lobby.

No.

Vladi Debots is Yugoslavian.

He knows.

Oh, yeah.

No, they asked me if I was Lithuanian.

I was like, no.

Right.

Let's just get...

Okay.

You ready to play

with Flintstones?

Okay.

Who is Mary DeWilma?

Fred.

Lucky guess.

What does Fred scream every time he gets his Fruity Pebbles stolen?

Oh, fuck.

If you lose, Cam's going to come out here and shoot you.

All right, shoot me.

No, so have you seen Fruity Pebbles commercials?

I've seen the Fruity Pebbles commercials.

There you go.

He's like red, lime, yellow, orange, lemon, lime, and lead.

And to get the fruity pebbles, I gotta trick Fred.

Who's trying to trick Fred?

Oh, wait, Barney.

Barney's trying to trick me.

He got it right.

Give it up for him.

He got it right.

Last one.

You're two for two.

Last one.

What is the name of the bird that does the dick?

The Dutch dishes.

The bird, what is the name of the bird?

You guys seen Flintstones?

So you know when they open the dishwasher and it's a fucking bird and he's like oh now i gotta do the dishes again

who the fuck is that guy is it the pterodactyl i don't know yeah but what's his fucking name

washing man who the washing bird the fuck if i know hit me with a with a buzzer red man

there you go that's a

red man with a buzzer here you go not even on this gonna be worse

there you go yep

That'll have to do.

Fucking wrong, bitch.

His name is Alan.

Should have known that.

I'm sure he made that shit up.

Thanks for playing.

Hey.

Thank you.

All right.

Here you go.

Here's a little joke book.

There he goes, ladies and gentlemen.

Benjamin.

I'm going to keep this fun train moving along.

Sure, here you go.

Here, you know what?

Get back up there for a second.

I have a couple more questions for you.

What do you do for a living?

I actually, so I teach English and I actually run a comedy club in Lithuania.

You run a comedy club in Lithuania?

Yeah.

How long have you been in Lithuania?

Three years.

How did you end up there?

I'm a yes man.

Someone asked me if I want to live there and I said, all right.

Someone asked you if you wanted to live in Lithuania.

Who's the someone?

A good friend of mine.

It's a very long story.

So I was doing my master's degree in China, and one of my best friends was Lithuanian there, and he said, why don't you come live in Lithuania?

I'm like, all right.

Didn't do any research.

So how did it go?

What's the question?

I thought you said it was a long story.

Yeah.

I was making it short for you.

Oh, all right.

What's Lithuania like?

Tell us what's different about Lithuania and America.

Lithuanian is a very interesting country.

It's like this duality.

Like, actually, it recently came out.

It's a top happiest country in the world for people 30 and below.

And also number one in the EU for suicide.

Don't go to your comedy club.

Oh no.

And it's wait.

Number one for suicide?

Suicide in the EU.

Jerry, I should have waited.

Yeah.

Those are the people that go to your comedy club.

There you go.

See, it's amazing.

I've been trying to reduce the numbers of suicide there through murder.

I have a question.

Do you...

Who is the like?

Who's like the fucking Dane Cook of Lithuania?

Like, who's your fucking

shirt?

I'm pretty sure you're looking at him, Jerry.

It's just me and three other people.

That's it?

Total comedians?

Oh, no.

Lithuanian comedians is like them, but

there's like Oleg Sharai would be the Dane Cook.

Oleg Scribe?

Sharai.

And he's like the best?

I would say he's one of the best.

That's awesome.

Is there like a secret show there like Redband has?

You have any special skills or talents or hobbies or anything?

Me?

Yeah.

Yes, you.

You're the one that's up there, yeah?

I gotta gotta make sure.

I was like.

There he goes, everybody.

There goes Benjamin.

We're gonna keep it moving along.

Me.

Me.

That's a first in the show's history, I do believe.

Me?

He said.

He goes, me?

How about a hand for Heidi, everybody?

I think I need that tonight.

Alright, your next comedian, we know this guy.

He works here at the mothership, a very solid local comedian.

Make some noise for Adam Lucky, everybody.

It's been a long time since he's been on this show.

Here's the new minute from Adam Lucky.

I've been doing some fucking.

I'm pretty great, A alpha fucker.

I do lay it down pretty good for a guy with resting.

I will follow you home, face.

I fucking will, ladies.

Take that to the grave, which will be tonight, if you play your cards right.

I um

very generous lover.

A lot of people tell me because a lot of times when I have sex with a woman, I'll let her live.

And I think that's pretty badass.

I like dirty time.

I never understood the concept of talking to her sex.

Because a lot of times when you have sex with a woman and you talk, it'll wake her up.

And then it's just like, hey,

boo.

Gross.

Man about that.

I don't know.

I guess.

No means no.

I'm all about that.

But if they can't say no, Kobe.

Am I right, guys?

It's fine.

You can make jokes about Kobe.

He wasn't as perfect as everyone thought.

I was a real strict parent, real helicopter dad.

That's what I am.

It's fine.

You're allowed to do it.

He's black.

Okay.

Fuck yeah.

Is that on a band?

Oh, there it is.

All right.

Hell yeah.

Okay.

Adam Lucky.

Welcome back, Adam.

What's up, Tony?

It's been a long time since you've been on this show.

You've been on many times, Bulken, here, everywhere, right?

Yeah, I think four years ago was the last time.

I just moved to Austin when I did it.

Yeah, sounds about right.

How's life been going for you?

Tell us about it.

I'm working here.

My My wife ended up getting a job being manager of the Creek in the Cave, so that's a pretty badass.

Okay.

We have a daughter, and she's doing good.

How old's your daughter?

She's five.

Five.

Incredible.

So you're a father, even though you look like a grandmother.

I know, I thought I looked like an Adam Ray character.

Wait,

who's Adam Ray?

It might be me.

Maybe it's me.

If you were him, that'd be fucking wild, dude.

That'd be fucking.

It actually is.

You know how long he had to be in hair and makeup to look like you, Adam?

That's exactly what I was doing.

Just kidding.

This isn't Adam, right?

It's

cherry.

We'll edit this out.

So.

What is your favorite joke of yours?

Because I really liked your opener, which meant you came out with good energy.

You're super likable.

I have this one joke where I just name off every word that rhymes with trigger, and I really think that's pretty badass.

Whoa, okay, let's hear that.

Let's go with it, Adam.

How does that go?

I can't remember it.

I haven't done it in a long time.

I forgot the punchline to it.

My bad.

Okay.

You ever seen the Flintstones?

No, Jeremy.

We can flintstones everybody.

All the things that rhyme with Trigger, that could be a Joel McHill show.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Oh, my goodness.

Should we call Joe McHill?

Oh, wow.

Uh-oh.

Here we go.

Adam,

is your five-year-old smart?

I guess.

I mean, she's a kid.

She's kind of a child.

She's talking sometimes.

Yeah, she talks.

Shut the fuck up.

What's she talking about?

Nonsense.

She spends 40 minutes telling me that she likes Bluey, so that's pretty cool.

What's Bluey?

It's a show that kids and retarded adults watch.

Okay.

Do you watch it?

I fucking love it.

Yes.

What's it about?

It's just like deep storytelling.

It's like really kind of like, you know, it's kind of hard to understand.

How about when you're getting away from the lady lady and the kid?

What do you like to do other than stand-up comedy?

Anything else?

Well, up until recently, I was doing a lot of drugs and booze, but I've cut back on that lately.

What drugs?

Cocaine, a lot of that.

When did you stop doing cocaine, or how often do you still do it if you do?

I stopped doing it, I'd say like two months now.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

And how often were you doing it before 12 months?

I'd say like a double Hans gim amount.

Oh, Hans.

Yeah, that would seem.

So

if you had to guess, ballpark it?

I don't know.

I was doing it probably like five times a week.

Wow.

Damn.

Off of a young comedian's salary.

I mean, yeah.

Well, you know, my wife wasn't stoked about that part.

I'll be honest.

Right.

I see that.

What's the craziest thing you've done on a night of drinking and cocaine?

I'm boring as hell.

I just go home and jack off for seven hours.

Wow.

Dude, that's really my favorite thing to do.

Yeah.

What is it?

Badass.

What is jerking off on Coke like?

Because I've I've been

my nuts?

What is it jerking off on Coke like?

Oh, it's awesome.

I finished Pornhub like six weeks ago.

I'm done.

You saw every video?

I finished it.

It's incredible.

I got an achievement like on Xbox.

That's badass.

Seven hours of jerking off.

Well, it works.

Is that how long it takes for you to come?

Well, no, it's just you, it's so much fun on cocaine, you don't want to stop.

Do you just keep coming?

No, no, I hold it up until like one major bust.

Wow.

That's incredible.

Jesus Jesus Christ.

You have neighbors?

Not anymore.

They moved.

They got tired of the howling.

Wow.

Incredible.

I've jerked off on Diet Coke before.

That's fucking pretty cool.

On Diet Coke?

Yeah.

I had like six Diet Coke before I went to bed and then fucking shaved it up for one big bust.

Unbelievable.

Craziest porn you've ever seen.

What are you?

That's like the weirdest shit that you got into.

You ever get into a weird phase with it?

I mean, like, not into it because I'm not fucking gay or anything, but I watched two dudes fuck each other in the ass at the same time.

That was probably the craziest thing I ever saw.

Oh, wow.

Two dicks inside of each other.

It's a lot of bending and flexing.

That's impressive as hell.

That's where I normally start.

That's bass.

That's just how I get hard.

Okay.

Yeah, that's pretty wild.

That's about as gay as it gets.

You said right before you said that you watched two dudes fuck a man in the ass at the same time, you said it's like not gay.

I wanted to make sure.

I wanted to see if I was gay or not, so I just tried everything.

So I'm still, I haven't fucked a black guy yet, so that's the only thing I got to try.

I don't know.

I don't know if I'm gay.

Well, we got good news for you.

Deep Madness, we have a beautiful woman who wants you to fuck her in the ass up here.

Nice long hair.

My pussy's in the back, though.

though.

That's going to be the name of your next special.

My pussy's in the back.

Unbelievable.

Adam, if you

two months off the hard stuff, if you had to give some advice out there to someone perhaps trying to get off of hard drugs, perhaps they live in the middle of nowhere, star Mississippi or something like that.

What would your advice be?

I don't know.

If you got nothing going on, I would just say keep doing it.

Who gives a fuck?

There you go.

I have like a family and I'm trying to like get better at comedy, so I stopped for that.

But yeah, if I live, if I had nothing going on, I'd done that until I died.

I think that's a good call, also.

Well, you're super fucking funny, man, so don't fucking die.

Well, I can't promise anything, but I'll do my best.

Well, fucking die then.

Adam, I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday.

I'd love to.

Thank you, Grace.

And it's been four years.

I don't think we were even giving out joke books back then.

So take one of those man pajamas made by the great Bones Eye, who also made me this sweet fucking crazy ass vest.

Diabolical vest.

There you go.

All right, back to the bucket.

We go, ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Going to your next comedian who goes by the name of Noah Dassat.

Noah Dassat.

Make some noise for Noah, everybody.

This is my joke book.

I lost it recently.

And a homeless man picked it up.

He read it

and he made notes in it.

And I saw him later and he was just like, here.

And

first thing he wrote to me is, it's okay to be white,

which I don't think he's been to Florida.

And definitely not Florida prison.

I remember my first day in Florida prison.

They were like, hey man, you got to stick with your race.

And

I looked around and I was like, you know, my only tattoo is a star David.

And I was like, I don't know, these people have, they all have swastika tattoos.

I don't know who I'm supposed to hang out with.

But yeah, I mean, realistically,

I prefer to hang out with my black friends, so I just spend a lot of time alone.

Okay, I'm guessing that's the end.

Pulled back, looked at me, Noah DeSat,

shockingly not the worst set of the night.

Welcome, Noah.

What's going on, bud?

Step up to that microphone, man.

I feel like you have no fucking idea where you are right now.

What's going on, buddy?

How are you, man?

Hey, Tony.

Hello.

Nice to see you.

Yeah, good to see you.

What have you been doing your whole life?

Man, just getting into all types of shit.

Okay, let's talk about it.

How long have you been been doing stand-up?

I've got into it.

I haven't.

This is your first time ever.

What's the first time I prepared?

Okay.

That was the prepared set?

Or did you...

Yeah, yeah, that was prepared.

I would love to see you go off the cuff right now.

Grab the microphone and hold it in front of your face so you don't have to do that completely insane lean-in thing that you were about to make a habit out of.

Wow, you know what's crazy when I get an applause break from Red Bam.

We've been doing this a long time together.

It was crazy what you were doing.

You don't even know that, though, because you don't know shit.

I have no, yeah.

Yeah, fuck yeah, dude.

I don't fucking know, dude.

All right, Noah.

What fucking Delta 8 shop do you work at exactly?

What do you do for work?

I really just wanted to work the door, honestly.

Where?

Here?

No.

I don't even do the hiring or the firing here.

I have no control whatsoever, but 0% chance that's happening.

That's not how it works.

Literally, some of the funniest humans in the world work here.

Yeah.

Okay, it's words.

Words.

Yeah, words.

Those were words.

So, Noah,

what do you do for work now?

I'm trying to figure that out.

You're trying to figure out what you do for work now.

Hold on, Jeremy.

I really need to just interview this guy first.

Let's just stick with Noah just for a second.

hold on to those thoughts though i don't want to i don't want to cock block you jeremy but i gotta there's a lot of work to be done here this is a fucking er and this guy's just split wide open

so

when you say you're trying to figure out what do you do you don't have a job is what you're saying

yeah well uh

good lord this is incredible

a lot bro i didn't have

i did not have a dollar in my pocket for five months okay yeah okay how why how no don't put the five away no jeremy put that five away

how did you end up broke noah

i've been struggling with interviews tonight and then i come across this gold mine i just feel like We're about to get in the zone right now, Noah.

Me, not you.

I'm an artist.

Yeah,

I'm an artist.

What kind of artist?

So I'll do like graffiti.

Okay.

And

I just like.

So the money in your life that you have made, how did you do that?

At times I hit licks.

Hit licks?

Yeah.

What does that mean exactly to you?

Like middleman, like exports.

Like what?

West coast to east coast for marijuana.

Okay.

So I was very close with my Delta 8 prediction.

You have been part of transporting marijuana coast to coast.

Yeah.

Okay.

Did you drive it?

I feel like you don't have a license.

Do you have a driver's license?

Yeah, I do.

You do.

Do you use it?

Do you have a car?

I don't have a car.

No.

You don't have a car, right?

You almost looked at me like, oh, look, yeah, I'll go, of course I do.

But you don't.

Okay.

Let's talk about it.

We're going to be interviewed for this Netflix document.

100%, dude.

Noah, how old are you?

41.

41 years old.

Here you are.

I love this.

I love having all different shapes and sizes of people on.

People get mad when somebody doesn't have a great set and I continue the interview, but I think there's something behind those fucking eyes, Noah.

I see it.

I see it.

There's something there.

It's not funny yet, but there's something there.

What makes you, in a million years, want to work the door at a place like this?

Oh, I'm just,

yeah, just my life's just pretty chaotic.

Tell us about it.

What's the chaos in your life?

Oh, man.

Just give us a couple examples here.

Fighting.

You get into fights, or there's fighting in your life.

Yeah, I've gotten into a lot of fights.

Okay.

When's the last fight you got into?

I've been like just

today.

Okay, tell us about today's fight, huh?

Oh, shit.

Jeremy, hold on.

Tell us about today's fight.

Oh, yeah.

No, no, no, somebody that he said he wanted to spar, you know, and then wait, hold on.

Where are you?

Paint the picture a little bit, Noah.

I'm down at the springs.

I'm down at the Barton Springs.

Okay, so you're halfway in the river, you're in the river, you're...

I'm by the river.

By the river.

Right.

And this guy comes out of nowhere and he goes, I want to spar?

No, it's been the last few days.

I've just been like...

kind of like helping people train i guess up there or like yeah

what so yeah see how does that

hold on on.

So, if I went to Spar, you'd be like, Cool, meet me by the river,

and then we just start fucking shadow boxing.

Do you ask?

Hold on, guys, hold on a second.

This is absolute insanity.

And I'm it's this interview is just beginning.

That was like the part of Jumanji when the monkeys come out.

Okay, hold on, hold on.

Hold on,

okay.

So, let me get this right.

You hang out by the river.

all right all right stop stop stop

put the game away

all right all right

sonoa

you hang out by the river that's kind of oh first of all how did you end up in austin how did what made you come here What made you come to Austin, Texas?

So I was living in Houston with the mother of my daughter and she decided to come live in a housing project out here because it was free.

And you know, I came and I wanted to be close to my daughter.

Right.

How old's your daughter?

She's eight.

Eight years old.

Very good.

There's a lot of

kids being raised by drug addicts around here.

For those of you, the last comedian is a four-year-old, two months off of blow.

What are your drugs that you do to

the kill tony babies ladies and gentlemen it's a real education system here we're gonna leave them all with Jeremy at the daycare center here soon

and Ash what's up

okay

so

you remind me of my camp counselor

Okay, hold on a second.

I'm still working here.

I need to get information out of Noah.

So, what drugs have you done?

What do you like?

Mostly just marijuana, but some psychedelics, just for the medicinal.

Okay, just for the medicinal benefits.

Seems like they're working pretty well.

Consciousness benefits.

Yeah.

What's the biggest breakthrough that you've had consciousness-wise on a psychedelic drug?

You ever have a real moment?

Honey bear bomb.

Well, I took mushrooms recently and I felt that it simultaneously brought me closer to myself and removed me from what I was.

So that was pretty fantastic.

Amen.

Okay.

Yeah, the lady that thinks the tum was a lime is agreeing with you right now in the audience.

An audible yeah from the exact spot that that lady was in.

What are the odds?

Okay.

You know she goes to bars and she's like, yeah, can you put a tum in my vodka soda?

all right that sounded funnier in my head

so noah uh

you have an eight-year-old what does your uh baby mama do for a living

she's in graduate school to be a therapist oh that's amazing yeah okay yeah and who watches the kid when she's at school

um

I don't live with her.

Right.

Yeah.

Which leads me to my question.

Who takes care of

your child while your baby mama is at school?

It's your eight-year-old, the question that we're talking about.

Your eight-year-old daughter, am I correct?

It's a daughter.

Yeah, a variety of people.

She's very popular.

Her Mimi, her grandma, yeah,

on both sides, yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Very good.

Very sweet.

Is Sheilatina your baby mama?

She's not.

She's not?

No.

Just a regular white girl?

She's pretty regular.

She's off-white.

She's Greek.

So she's

off-white.

I like that.

When you don't think about the answer, you're kind of funny.

If you try to not think, you just go with your initial.

Let's try that starting now in this interview, okay?

Try to not be embarrassed or think of what's cool.

Let's just go with your gut there.

Because off-white, that's kind of all right.

That's what I always say.

That's a bumper sticker.

Make it straight to print.

Thank you, Yoni.

Okay.

So, Noah, your next question without thinking of the answer.

Okay, here we go.

What's your love life like now?

I'm addicted.

Addicted to sex.

Addicted to sluts, yeah.

Addicted to sluts.

Yeah, so take us through.

I love this.

By the way, I'm right about you.

When you don't think about it, fucking amazing.

So tell us, what's your addiction like?

How does it work?

Is it a daily thing?

Or is it, does it, a lot happen by the river?

Are you like, what's up, babe?

Well, like, I like this, like, I'm, I always always just tell people like what up pimp?

You know, you tell that you say that to women.

I say that to people, even though I don't want to.

You say that to girls.

No, dudes.

You know what I mean?

Oh, okay.

Do you, you, are you?

When some say you're into sluts, do you mean both men and women?

No.

Oh, just women.

Okay, so here's my question.

When you see a woman who appears in your mind to be slutty, what's your like opening line with her?

Oh, I don't do all that.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, that's the whole point, right?

It's like...

What the fuck are you talking about right now?

I literally am trying so hard to like follow, but you keep changing the fucking topic.

It's like

if you were like a McDonald's drive-through guy and I was like, can I eat some fries?

And you were like, yeah, I mean, we'll go to space eventually.

I'm like,

or give me the fucking fries.

All right.

So how many sluts do you think about in one day?

Don't even think.

Just answer.

Like, how many sluts do you think about right now?

How many sluts?

Just you, baby.

Sammy?

Just you.

Just yeah.

Okay.

Sorry.

I'm not gonna fuck you.

I didn't know how to answer that.

My first time is not gonna be with a guy from fucking Salute Your Shorts.

That's a Nickelodeon TV show.

Look it up.

Okay, all right.

Whoa, whoa.

All right.

Noah, I just can't get enough of this.

There's something about you.

I just can't stop.

So how often do you see your eight-year-old?

I saw her on Monday.

Yeah, but how, this is, first of all, this is Monday.

So the answer would either be a week ago or today.

Last year was exactly a week ago.

It was exactly a week ago.

Yeah.

And so when, if you had to guess, was the time before that?

Is it like a once-a-week thing, once every couple weeks?

It's as much as I can.

What is that?

Which seems like you have a pretty wide open fucking schedule, dude.

Pretty fucking open for business out there teaching free sparring lessons by the river.

The river.

Can't even...

I literally don't even need to think of jokes.

I can just repeat back your answers.

Okay.

So how often...

Yeah, I'm trying to see her more.

Does the baby mama not only let you sometimes?

Yeah, it could be like that.

It can be like that.

Is it like that?

Let me ask you this.

I want to say as much as I can.

Yeah, I just, yeah.

Why do you think your baby mama doesn't want you seeing the eight-year-old more often?

sometimes the show's silly

sometimes it's you know

wild this is like a serious cool moment at least i think so and i'm the creator and executive in charge she would love to have me see her more she would she she would love that i think that um there are times when she feels that the connection that we've made and her attachment isn't totally secure.

And so in that way,

she would like, you know, that trust to be developed and melded together into something beautiful.

And.

Yes.

Wow.

Amazing.

You said absolutely nothing there, by the way.

Incredible.

It was words.

You're literally a male hippie, Kamala Harris.

It's incredible.

You answered and gave no answer at the exact same time.

This is amazing.

I'm so in.

You have me in like gargoyle formation right now.

I'm like climbing onto my chair because I'm trying to figure out this puzzle that is you.

Tell us about some more of the chaos in your life.

Have you been arrested before?

Yeah.

There you go.

Rattle it off.

What were you arrested for?

Well, the last time.

Last time.

Yeah, the last time I just needed a place to live and I was, I looked up on

Azillo, like places that were, you know, abandoned or like that being rented.

Oh.

And then I found like a tree house in the back of this place that had a really nice like pool.

And I was like swimming in the pool in my underwear and then somebody came on the loudspeaker and they're like, get out of my pool.

They were on a loudspeaker?

Yeah.

Were you on drugs during this?

No.

You were in somebody's tree house.

Yeah.

And they come over the loud.

Well, no, I was in their pool.

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so they were watching me swim in the pool and they were like, hey, get out of there.

And then I thought, you know, maybe they won't see me go into the treehouse.

So then I was just like in the treehouse.

For how long?

Probably like an hour or something.

And then I was going to leave, but the mosquitoes, because the mosquitoes are really bad.

And I was like, well, this probably maybe isn't the best place to like squat, you know?

Right.

Because of the mosquitoes?

You were getting bit by mosquitoes.

Plus the person was literally like, please get off my property straight up get out of my pool and off my property that didn't

a loudspeaker somehow in their backyard and you're like maybe that tree house let me go

the way your brain works is incredible it's good to see you smiling though even you know like this yeah

this is crazy that's why yeah so that the police show up and they're like get the fuck out of the tree house

right well it's embarrassing but i kind of like just curled up and thought maybe they like wouldn't see me, even though they have their lights like right on me.

It was kind of.

And then what happened?

Did they climb up the tree house?

Did the police come up or did you eventually, oh, you have a little crick in your neck?

I think you just put a curse on us.

That's no fucking, you ever seen the ring when the kid's like, eh.

You're like, are you stretching your neck?

She's like, something like that.

Don't have bananas later.

Oh, shit.

It's funny.

This is the tree house.

I would watch six seasons of you living in a fucking tree house with nothing to survive on but mosquitoes and your fucking thoughts and that and an Outcast album.

So how long were you in the pool for?

Just give me a guess.

Ballpark.

How long were you in the pool?

Like 20 minutes.

20 minutes.

And someone's like, please get out of our pool.

Right?

And then you're like, there's a treehouse.

I'm going to sneak up in the treehouse.

How long were you in the tree house?

Give me a guess.

Like an hour.

Okay.

And And then all of a sudden, did you hear alarms?

First of all, Redman actually brings up a great question.

How many?

How many times do you think you got bit by mosquitoes while in the tree house?

Just take a guess.

Like 30 times, probably.

Oh my God, 30 bites.

Absolutely incredible.

So you've been bit by 30 mosquitoes.

You're held up in the treehouse.

The police come and what do they say?

Come down from the treehouse?

What do they give us?

Just give us a guess of what they said.

What do you remember?

Why are you crouching in there?

We already got the light on you.

Oh, right.

So it's nighttime, correct?

Oh, yeah.

Night.

Okay, this isn't even how I pictured it.

That's amazing.

That's a huge part of the story.

So they're literally shining a flashlight and you're like, they don't know.

But you're in a fucking treehouse.

I knew that they probably knew, but I thought, what if on the off chance that they don't?

It'd be just funny as fuck.

You know what I mean?

But that's just

to me, you know.

So then, did they go up?

Didn't

up and they did more than one come up into the treehouse?

They're like, Jesus, this fucking mosquitoes, dude.

How many police officers came up into a treehouse?

Three or four or something.

Four officers

came up.

Okay.

I feel like I'm losing my mind right now.

It's been 20 minutes of me interviewing this guy.

Fascinating.

It is fascinating.

I found out basically nothing.

What's your next move?

What do you think?

How long have you been in Austin?

Four years.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, wow.

And you've never had an actual job in Austin?

Oh, no, I have.

I worked at this healing arts center for the last few years.

Healing Arts Center.

Fake place.

Yeah, like.

What do they do there?

They have all these different healing modalities.

You know, people who practice yoga, who do Reiki, who do...

What do you do there?

So

I did a mural.

I was a host.

I was a barista.

And most recently, I was a non-alcoholic bartender.

So, yeah.

There's a lot of bugs around.

Okay.

All right.

I'm going to put a fucking ribbon on this.

Okay.

Can I say something?

Yeah.

So, the last time you saw your girl was when?

Monday.

Right.

And you're trying to reconnect with her, right?

Yes, sir.

Like, have you ever taken her to dinner and done something nice?

Yeah, I would love to.

You never have?

No, of course I have.

If you give him money, I know what you're thinking right now.

I'm not gonna.

Okay, go.

No, I was just saying, do something nice sometime.

Oh, okay.

I'm not that fucking piece of shit out of my head.

I don't just give away free shit.

I was saying, you should maybe think about doing that.

Take her to dinner.

Say, I don't fucking care about you.

Let's get this back on top.

I absolutely enjoy it.

I'm in love with every moment.

I'm with her, and I appreciate every moment.

What's the coolest thing that you've done for her?

She's eight years old.

Seems like you kind of visit and then

dip.

What's like the most bonding moment i i showed her how to build an icosahedron out of like building blocks like i showed i showed her how to build all the five platonic solids out of building blocks which i think was pretty cool yep

the five uh regular convex polyhedra that plato discovered in the you know have you done mushrooms with her already

what is happening

here's a little joke bug I fucked up.

The internet's going to be furious at me for this.

No way.

This is great.

I'm calling it now.

You don't need to say anything.

I already know.

I fucked up.

I'm never listening again after that interview.

I'm done forever.

Why the fuck did that happen?

Why did he have that deadbeat up there for 22 minutes?

It was Brad Pitt from True Romance and stood up.

No.

No.

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All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes.

Are you guys still having fun out there?

Your next comedian, 60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Brandon La Caruba.

Brandon La Caruba.

Here he is.

What's going on, everybody?

I got married in November of 2021.

thank you.

Divorced April of 22.

Thank you.

I don't know what lived longer, our marriage or our fetuses.

It was one of them.

I don't know.

I don't know the answer.

It was definitely one of them.

I had a pretty smooth divorce, though, I got to say.

You know, kind of got through it pretty easy.

But worst part about being single for me, I was single in my late 20s in New York.

You know?

Only thing to fuck were emos, Jews, and microwaved bagels.

So

it's not really, I know, that's what I said.

That wasn't great.

Until you get all three of those things together: an emoju with a bagel, a nice blink 180 Jew chick.

I'm a big fan.

You know, they like them.

They like me.

They like all the small things.

They're a little naggy though.

Like, if they text you and you don't text them back immediately, they're calling you up immediately.

Like, where are you?

I'm so horny.

And I'm like, just give me the bagel.

I'm good.

Thank you.

I'm Brandon.

Okay.

This show is wild.

Sure is.

I've never experienced anything like this in my life.

John, I swear, it's never like this.

I wouldn't believe it.

Like, I don't know what's real and what's a character.

I really have no idea.

I have no idea.

It's not you, it's me, John.

I'm not over the last guy, but here we are.

Hey, there we go.

What's going on, fellas?

Hello.

What?

How's it going?

I'm great.

This is a cool night for you.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Five and change.

Five and change.

Where at?

A lot of New York, Long Island, regrettably, but, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Just moved here about two months ago.

Have you been on this show before?

I have not.

Okay.

Yep.

All right.

So five and some change.

You're doing a lot of blink 182 material.

The entire minute was blink 182.

Yeah.

They're back, though.

They're back.

Is that like your thing?

You the blink 182 guy or is it just this minute?

I love girls that love Blink 182.

So I tolerate Blink.

A little whiny for me, but...

No, it's good.

What are you talking about?

What's your shit?

What's my shit?

I like the Arctic monkeys.

I like anime intro songs.

You know?

Red Band was like a bunch of people.

I know.

I knew Red Band would like that.

Got Red Band.

Some A Vangelian is a good way to work out.

Someone wants to do the secret show this week.

Brandon, let's talk about it what do you do for work i uh i'm a manager at an office depot and i

yeah it brings in the money and i i host game shows now imagine having to take orders from this guy

that was that was so fucking mean jackie

i'm sorry

No, but I but it will be funny.

Can you give us an example of what you sound like as a manager?

Let's say Jeremy here, this sweet guy right here, was one of your employees and he put the staplers on the wrong shelf at an office depot.

Okay.

And he tends to do this a lot.

And he should have it figured out by now.

And here we go.

And action.

Hey, so I got done putting all the staples away.

I cleaned all the shit off the bathroom walls.

And I gave the candy back to that

other guy that works at Office Depot with us that you said

was that he was like the I gave it back to him.

So

the staplers are all the statewords are all in the right place though I put all the state words away you you're welcome

Jeremy

go ahead well yeah first I'd wipe the spit off my face

and I'd be like I don't I didn't understand a word you said but there's codes tells you where to put the stuff you got to put it up there or else we got to let you go well you guys change the fucking codes every other month so I don't know what fucking code is the right one do you know what I'm saying can you like text me me this?

Can you write this down?

I've been working here.

You know my fucking dad owns Alpha Tevo, right?

I got you fired so fucking fast.

Get it done.

Do it.

I hate that job.

Do you really?

No, it's okay.

It's okay.

I like my other job more, though.

I host game shows at a place in Austin.

What kind of game shows?

It's a rip-off of

Family Feud and Wheel of Fortune mostly.

And we have our own names for it for copyright, but it's really fun.

Okay.

I love doing it.

I'll plug him.

Game on ATX.

Good time.

Yeah, fuck you.

Are you a big Mark Norman fan?

He's the only famous guy I've opened for.

You know how I could tell?

How?

Because you move, act, and react like him in every single wild.

Isn't that crazy that I was able to guess the one guy that you opened for?

Comedy.

I believe it.

It's amazing.

Yeah, comedy.

There you go.

Right.

I can't believe he's immense.

That's incredible.

Okay.

Brandon La Karuba.

There we go.

Last time you did series, how old's your daughter?

How old's my daughter?

Yeah.

We've had a streak the last.

So it's funny you ask.

I've been telling as a joke that I have a single dad with a black daughter.

I have a bunny rabbit.

I don't have a daughter.

Okay.

I'm a man with a rabbit.

Wow.

How long have you had a rabbit for it?

I've had a rabbit since I've been seven, but they only live like 10 years, so it's been like four or five rabbits.

Wow.

Have you ever done hard jogs?

Jeremy, I'm sorry you have a rabbit and you're not a magician awkward yeah

what the

man

what do you do with this rabbit they're cool pets they're like tiny dogs they can learn tricks they know their name what tricks does your rabbit know um

all right she's not good at tricks i got her from a previous owner Didn't teach her any tricks in those formative years, so, you know, she's not really into doing tricks.

She's kind of setting her ways.

right but no they're cool they're cool pets are there any tricks that any rabbits can possibly do yeah you can like make them do you want to do like

what all right like you put your arm out and they'll they'll hop over your arm like they know you know no way

sorry i was expecting you to say like she'll drive me when i'm drunk you know

that's a cool trick

what's her name her name lily cool yeah no she's cool.

They don't eat carrots.

Bugs Bunny made that up.

Don't feed rabbits carrots.

It gives them bunny diabetes.

It's bad for them.

Great bad name.

Yes.

Big welcome, bunny diabetes!

Yeah.

This is one of the most insane episodes of this show I've ever seen in my entire life.

And I've been there for all of them, ladies and gentlemen.

There's a man that comes to every episode.

He's literally not making eye contact with me or the show.

He's just sitting there looking down.

I just caught you, Chief, literally looking down like, why?

What have I committed Mondays to in my life?

I could have all these years.

It's like literally having fucking.

So you have it.

Is it Invisalign?

I have Invisalign, yeah.

I sound like him when I don't wear them.

Roasted.

I wasn't even.

I do.

I talk like an issue without them.

I wish I could afford a vision line.

I did go with the fucking low-ramp races, you know?

Smile, the rec club.

I get it.

How much was the envision line?

It's too much, man.

It was like $2,500.

Fuck.

Yeah.

It was worth it, though.

I mean, my teeth look way better.

How much did you pay for your rabbit?

Free.

I stole that lady from

previous owner.

She was mistreating her, and they were giving her up.

So I was like, sweet.

I got a new rabbit.

Mistreating a rabbit.

So they're not like hamsters.

You got to let them out.

You got to give them at least a room to run around.

And they had them locked up in the basement in the cage.

It's not cool.

It's like doing that.

Imagine doing that to a dog.

They're going to be pretty pent up and not happy.

Does the rabbit cuddle with you ever or anything?

Yeah, I mean, she likes getting pets.

She likes, you know, like hanging out and I'll scratch her head and shit.

But that's about it.

If you pick them up, they think they're going to get eaten.

You know?

Right.

Animals of prey.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

What's your love life like when you bring a girl back and she sees a fucking rabbit in a fucking cage?

What does she say?

They tend to be very into it, man.

Chicks love the bunny.

Chicks love the bunny.

And they just hang out with the bunny, you know, feed her treats, hop around.

I've never heard that.

Hey, man, come over and meet my rabbit.

I'll show you a good time.

My ex had a rabbit and there's little shit everywhere.

Do you have little pieces of shit everywhere in your house?

Yeah.

No, I do.

You got to vacuum them up, though.

They're dry.

They're like cocoa puffs.

You got to suck them up.

You can't.

You said you love Family Feud, right?

You host Family Feud.

I do, I do.

So let's play a little round.

Name one, name one thing.

Name one chick that fucked you when she saw your rabbit.

And I'll be Steve Harvey.

Bam, bam, bam, bam.

I'll be Steve Harvey.

You answer.

You answer.

Ready?

Sarah.

Whoa.

Is an amazing Steve Harvey impression.

Okay.

I've never done that Steve Harvey before.

So you tell one girl, one girl, one girl.

Yeah, no, they, again, it helps.

Brandon, the most interesting thing about your life that's ever happened.

I went to Auschwitz once.

I was pretty wacky.

How was that?

Too tuned.

It was a choir field trip for high school.

You were in the choir?

I went to college for singing.

Okay, can we hear a little bit?

A one, two, one, two, three, four.

You guys know Knee Socks by the Arctic Monkeys?

Knees.

That's lame.

That's a great album.

All right.

Shit.

Yeah.

Come on.

They can do anything.

Fuck it.

They can do anything.

How about Brandy by Looking Glass?

You guys know Brandy?

We'll follow you.

How about that song?

How about the Schidler's List theme song?

Okay.

Oh, there's a port

on a western bay and it serves a hundred ships a day.

Lonely sailors pass the time away and talk about their homes.

The sailors say, Brandy,

you're a fine girl.

You're a fine girl.

You're a good wife.

You would be.

You would be.

But my life, my love and my lady is the sea.

Yeah,

fuck yeah.

All right, Brandon Luck Paruba.

Here you go, buddy.

Here he goes.

Coming at you, everybody.

Booyah, there he goes.

All right, your final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen.

I love this name.

We're gonna see what happens here.

Make some noise for your final bucket pull.

It's Jenny with an eye.

Jenny with an eye, ladies and gentlemen.

Here comes Jenny with an eye.

live here on the show that

oh she's inside wow one of your very own inside Jenny with an eye ladies and gentlemen

wow

Jenny make some noise you're here at one of the craziest episodes here's Jenny with an eye

I saw a billboard on the way over here.

It had Nike slogan on it, just do it.

And I thought, that makes fucking sense because all I picture were kids in sweatshops and and their boss yelling at them just do it

just fucking do it oh you sucking me dickhead

yeah

I'm Puerto Rican

yeah represent I'm a very white Puerto Rican though if you can't tell from my accent but don't worry I'm still toxic

with bad credit

And a bitchy attitude.

Probably because I seen the bottom of my mom's chancleta more than my father.

But I'm tired of people always asking me, what type of Mexican are you?

I'm giving up.

I'm like, I'm the lazy kind.

And the legal kind, bitch.

This lady I worked the other day, she was like, if you're Puerto Rican, have you ever stabbed anybody?

I was like, no, I never stabbed anyone.

Today.

I'm about to stab you next, bitch, if you keep talking.

All right, you guys, I'm Jenny with an eye.

Thank you.

Jenny with an eye.

What's up?

What's going on, Jenny?

How long you been doing stand-up?

Um, I'll make a year next month on my birthday.

Okay, where you been doing it at?

Orlando, Florida.

And you're just visiting here?

I'm visiting, yeah.

Okay, what do you do for work in Orlando?

Huh?

What do you do for work?

Uh, real estate.

You good at it?

Yeah, you make good money, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Meow, listen, I'm here.

I get to travel.

It's you know, not bad.

I love it.

I love it.

Meow.

It could be your catchphrase.

That's a good way to tag.

You know how, like, I have, and that's what's up.

To end my jokes?

Yeah.

That could be you say you're a joking and you go, meow, meow, meow.

I like it.

Kind of fun.

Yeah.

You don't have to do it.

For the special.

For special, yeah.

Are you doing special?

No.

Oh.

Well, not with that attitude.

Yeah, you gotta believe in yourself.

Yeah, I mean, someday, yeah.

Could you, what?

I'm trying to get a, uh, move out of my apartment soon to a duplex.

You want to open up for me?

Sure.

Sure.

Yeah, all right.

Are you fucking serious?

Yeah.

Oh my gosh.

Let's do it.

Oh my God.

It's a crazy day for Carrie.

Don't fuck with me right now.

It's been a while.

Let's go right now.

Well, where do you perform?

In Orlando?

In Orlando.

Hey, like the improv?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

I mean, you're kind of scary, but yeah.

But you seem fun.

What's your favorite thing to do

after the show?

Like, what do you like to drink or karaoke?

Yeah, sure.

What do you really do for fun?

I go out.

I go to the gym.

I travel.

When you go out, what do you like to do?

I drink with friends.

Yeah, I have a good time.

Tequila.

I like tequila.

I like Titos.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that's fun.

For Loco.

I can do that, Twisted Tea or something.

How do you know about Four Loco, Jeremy?

Oh,

well, it's a long story.

But let's just say Jerry and I, the one time we fucking had like a night out, we fucking drank a sleetuno for loco.

And let's just say we grabbed a couple of bird scooters.

And let's just say we fucking went over to that guy Brandon's house and fucking taught his bunny some tricks.

And it rhymes with, suck your dicks.

And

sounds like a good time.

Meow.

And so.

No, I don't know if it's too it's too crazy, though.

Yeah.

All right.

I like your jacket.

Okay.

What's your love life like, Jenny, with an eye?

With an eye.

I'm in a relationship.

Uh-huh.

What's your boyfriend do for work?

Same thing.

We met at work.

He's in real estate.

Yeah.

Did you guys...

You really do have a catchphrase there.

I know.

Did you guys hook up on a work site?

Pretty much.

Explain to us how that happened.

You know, I was slacking on my sales and he kind of helped me.

And it's been love ever since.

I mean, I I feel like I've seen this video.

You know?

I mean

and you're looking oddly familiar.

Pornhub.

Wait.

So question.

As a guy who hasn't done it yet, what did your guy do that made you go like, okay, you can do that.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Like what do you start with?

Well, he has a big, you know.

Whoa, no, I don't.

Fucking huge, whatever you just did with your hands.

Yeah, that was fucking.

Is that big?

He's Puerto Rican.

Whoa, Jesus Christ.

Oh,

this guy's.

Oh, that is a huge cock.

This guy's waving his dick.

Represent?

That was his cock talking, not the guy.

What does 1% mean?

1%?

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Did you just say 1%?

No, I said represent.

Oh, okay.

I couldn't hear you through your proud people.

Puerto Rican accent.

Okay, very proud people indeed.

What's your favorite thing about being Puerto Rican?

The food.

Yeah.

What are the famous foods of the Puerto Rican culture?

Rice and beans.

Oh, Mexican food.

Aro concanule.

Si señorita la pupu.

Uh-huh.

La cucaracha.

La cucaracha.

La cu uh.

La puposa.

No.

Guardo chicas.

Yeah.

Whoa, Red Band, our senior Puerto Rican food correspondent.

Wow, I've never heard you speak another language before.

Whoa, Red Band, living La Vidaloco over here, here, huh?

That's all his porn hub searches.

Wow.

Yeah.

Tony, see the

size of that ring she's wearing?

Huh?

The size of that ring she's wearing is

shit.

Let me see.

Where's the ring?

Fucking blink blue.

Oh, wow.

Look at that.

You are Puerto Rican.

You've invested all of your money in this.

I'm not pregnant, though.

Incredible.

Are you guys trying to have a kid?

Nah.

Why not?

I don't know.

Because he pulls out by the reaction, he's not really giving you a choice.

Nah.

He pulls out and shoots it all over the homeowner's manual that's in the.

I have an IUD because, you know, Puerto Rican, Latino women, you know.

Yep.

I got to have that, you know, baby killer thing, you know.

Uh-huh.

Absolutely.

What's an IUD?

Is that like an IOU?

Yeah.

I'm serious.

I don't know what that is.

It's a thing that they put up inside a woman's vagina.

What the fuck?

Why?

That way you don't have kids or you don't get pregnant.

It's like birth control.

So when the jizz comes up, it's like, fucking, get out of here.

Yeah, just like, ooh,

pop, bop.

I don't want no jizz.

That's why I got an IUD up inside me.

Hanging out the passion inside.

I don't know the rest after that, but.

Hey.

That's fucking cool.

Well, that's what's up.

Jenny with an eye.

I like your style.

I'm giving you a medium-sized joke book.

There she goes, Jenny with an eye.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that point of the show in which there's simply nowhere else to go other than the Hall of Famer, the record holder for all-time interviews, appearances on this show,

all-time new minutes.

I present to you the Virginia Ham,

the

Toledo track star

the Memphis strangler the vanilla gorilla this is indeed the big red machine William Montgomery everybody

Last week in North Korea flooding killed 4,000.

Kim Jong-un reacted to the floods by executing 30 government officials.

Apparently, Kim Jong-un was pissed that he wasn't the one who killed the 4,000 people.

Am I a bad person for not watching the Paralympics?

Okay, yeah, that wasn't even really a joke.

Okay.

I remember when my mom got pregnant with my youngest brother and the rumor around town was that it wasn't actually hers.

See, normally you would say like his.

Okay, let's keep this moving.

I was up in Minnesota this weekend, and I've got to say, I'm so impressed with Kamala Harris' running mate and current governor of Minnesota, Tim Walls.

The guy is my hero.

It's insane he not only took out a Nazi bunker by himself during World War II, but he's also taken the Minnesota Vikings to three straight Super Bowl wins.

So I love Tim Walls.

That is my time, Tony Hinchcliffe.

Thank you, sir.

Why did you roll your eyes like that, William?

I don't know.

My throat is killing me.

Tony, at the end of my final set at the Mall of America this past weekend, all the shows were great,

but I was tasting a lot of blood in my mouth.

So, why do you think that was?

From yelling, I think.

I was literally tasting blood, so I might need to go to the doctor or something.

My throat literally feels like strep throat right now.

It's really a nightmare.

I was not in the best mood today.

I've Googled it.

You can drink your own blood.

It's fine.

I cut myself from eating stuff all the time.

I just drink the blood.

I don't want to be in between this.

William, an electric star of the show.

Very interesting that this throat thing, blood in the mouth, that this is all happening because you've been screaming, famously screaming for longer than anybody, over half a decade here live on this show weekly.

Why does Tony?

I don't know.

Your health is giving out now.

I don't know.

I mean, I've been kind of, I have my, I'm off of the stimulants.

I haven't been taking my Adderall recently, which is a good thing, but I'm still not hungry.

I haven't been as hungry recently.

I think I probably have cancer or something.

I think I probably, I'll find out soon.

I'm dying is my only thought.

Have you been to a doctor lately?

I've not been to a doctor other than a dermatologist in years since the since the Armenian women in Glen Green.

I can't remember where it was, somewhere in LA.

You want Tom?

What was that?

Glendale.

Yeah, thanks.

What is this?

To lime?

Just take it.

Oh, Tom.

But yet, Tony, I don't know.

It's very disconcerting.

I think it's all of the, I don't know, it's the longer shows yelling.

I'm yelling too much, Tony.

I know people hate it, but I have fun doing it.

It seems like people have a good time, but I'm going to have to do something different.

Something's got to change, Tony.

I mean, it's turning into a nightmare.

What are some options?

I don't know.

Maybe sort of more jokes, like kind of like talking like this, maybe, just maybe

more kind of low.

And then it really won't hurt my voice if I just kind of talk.

Do you like that, John, when I kind of talk like that?

Do you think that's kind of funny?

I'm into it.

Cool.

I feel like the ailments you have are internal because you look great.

Oh, my gosh.

Well, thank you.

You look great, too.

What is that accent?

Are you from Tennessee?

I am.

I'm from Tennessee as well.

Really?

Where are you from?

Nashville.

I live in Nashville.

I'm from Memphis.

Let's go.

Let's be friends.

Cool.

Sounds good.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, I didn't know what you were going to say.

You guys going to fuck?

What's going on right now?

This is amazing.

I got to tell you, I've never seen William warm up to anybody like this.

Yeah, it's wonderful.

I love a fellow Tennessean.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I dropped it.

Oh, been there before.

Just guessing here.

We'll see.

You're going to make me eat this and it had fallen on the ground before?

Do whatever you want.

Oh.

William, has anyone ever told you you look like Carrot Top's floor after he shaved his balls?

It's a compliment.

I love Carrot Top.

I love Carrot Top.

Yeah.

One of my favorite comedians, Carrot Top,

David Lucas,

and

Seinfeld.

I love that list.

That's quite the list you have there.

Carrot Top.

Not in that order.

David Lucas and Seinfeld.

Yep.

That's my dream show.

Open for those free, same show for one of those fucking charities the first guy was talking about.

I love the small, the quiet joke thing, William, with like some sweet music underneath it, like some drums or something.

Maybe just some music.

Like that?

I would fucking listen to a whole album of you doing that.

Oh, yeah.

We do a joke with that?

Yeah.

Well.

Thank y'all so much for being here, Austin, Texas.

It is really a nice time.

I've actually been having a pretty rough go of it recently.

I think I have some sort of cancer in my tummy, but it's making it, so I'm not really hungry.

So I am losing weight, so that kind of helps because sometimes I see these fat asses walking on the street, and I just think, what is their fucking issue?

It's like, is it a gland problem?

Is it a self-control problem?

It's just these fat, nasty people I see, and I just want to fucking shoot them with the gun that I have.

But yeah, it's so nice to be here, Austin.

I'm hoping I can be around for a little longer, but I really haven't been feeling good recently.

But it seems like John and I are maybe some buddies.

so maybe you can inching a little close bud

uh

um

red band help me

i think though the you know i'm i'm just trying to take it all in here and the thing that stands out to me is you

you know The Killtony fan base, I think the thing that's going to stand out to the universe that listens to us and you every single week is this not screaming thing.

Have we found out

you have you have stopped screaming?

I'm stopping.

I'm not going to fucking scream anymore.

I can't, Tony.

I'm literally in horrible pain right now.

I was scared to come up here tonight.

I was scared to death.

I haven't gotten strep throat in many years.

I got my tonsils taken out with my brother Vance.

Yeah, it's not good.

So I just can't yell anymore.

So we're going to go quiet.

And if it doesn't work quiet, I'm going to move back home to to Memphis and just fucking quit doing comedy.

I'm like, I'm getting to the part where I'm getting sick of this shit, and I'm gonna keep going.

Really?

You gotta keep going.

Do you ever go through times like that, John?

Where you don't wanna keep on doing it?

What helps you make it through?

I reach out to my friends.

Really?

Yeah.

Could I get your number after this?

I'm not even kidding.

Could I?

Absolutely.

Because I really need somebody like you right now.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, well.

No, I was kidding.

I thought you were.

Yeah, you can't say it right in front of everybody.

But yeah, Tony, I don't know.

I'm going to have to, We're going to have to see.

I'm going to have to evolve.

I'm going to have to change everything up.

So when it comes to screaming,

you have stopped.

I'm done.

Heard it here.

I'm finished screaming.

It's completely stopped.

It's done, Tony.

Well, D-Madness says he doesn't believe you.

What do you have to say to D?

Look D in the eyes and tell him.

Oh, look D in the eyelids.

Look D in the eyelids.

You missed it earlier.

When William was getting really, really honest, D Madness goes, I can see I can see the darkness

So funny

But yeah Tony so we'll see oh excuse me D-Madness what

But yeah, so we'll see Tony.

I don't know it might be bubbling up.

I feel like the yelling is I could I could just do sound bits of everything he says.

Yeah, we're gonna need sound effects of him back in the day when he was in his prime yelling

Yeah, so I'm gonna get on the red band get on there.

Will you be able to help me with that

okay I don't know if you have any idea how fast red band moves but it's yeah it's gonna take a couple weeks

it's got to do about 425 hours of VR and then he's gonna get around to it

we'll circle around

okay thanks mate yeah you could get audio sound bites and play them and you can like lip sync to them you know that's a really great idea maybe i can do that maybe like singers do that right singers do that their songs so you could do that for your jokes you could do that but Like, here, I'll do it for you, right?

Like, do it.

Let's do it.

Like, talk to, like, I'll lip sync to you, right?

Okay.

Hey, how's it going?

Oh, wait, no.

So you don't.

So

you don't talk, but you move your mouth like a marionette, and I'll do you.

Like, I could be backstage for you, right?

Let's do it.

Ah, hi, guys.

So lately, I've been going through a tough time.

I know I look like Ronald McDonald if cocaine was his happy meal.

But that's just because I'm having a fucking rock quack.

I fucking look like Sasquatch fucking Chucky Doll.

I look like fucking Casey Rocket's dad.

I look like if I shave my beard, there's just a sign that says, yeah, I got HPV.

You tricked me.

What?

You tricked me.

And I never take a shit off.

All right.

That's this episode of Kill Tony brought to you by DraftKings.

Everyone's going to get a refund at the door on your half.

The drawing from Ryan G-Bolt is in.

The drawing from Chris Rogers is right over there.

Let's see what he got today.

Ooh, Ari Maddie.

Wow, Ari had the night off tonight, but that's beautiful.

How about another hand for the best

in the land?

Make some noise

for the debut of Jeremy, ladies and gentlemen.

Jeremy, what do you want to plug tonight?

Plug something, Jeremy.

Oh, shit.

So, you guys, you find me on TikTok at Dash What's Up

But I'm a real big fan of his comedian Adam Ray and he's got his Dr.

Phil live shows in theaters.

Big tour starting to AdamRayComedy.com and he's got a fully improvised show.

Live stream October 30th.

Buy your tickets at AdamRay.live.

How about one more time for the Kill Tony debut of John Chris, everybody?

Huge fucking tour.

Tickets at johnchriscomedy.com is podcast net positive.

Thank you, John.

Absolutely.

One more time for John and Jeremy, everybody.

Thank you to DraftKings, Red Band.

Thank you guys so much.

I love you all.

We love you.

Thank you.

Good night, everybody.