#685 - SAM TALLENT

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

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and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony

hey this is brand man cody live from the comedy mothership here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony get up right pony

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

Jesus Christ Almighty, if you guys don't know what goes on here in the pre-shows, it is truly the live music capital of the fucking world. And we flex on it.

Have you guys ever heard music like that in your fucking lives?

Make some noise for groove line horns down here. Crushing

Fernando Castillo,

Carlos Sosa,

Rauvalejo,

Michael Gonzalez,

Nachos Belgrande.

Huevos Rancheros.

Queso Enchilado. Matt Muelling on the guitar, ladies and gentlemen.
Holy shit. John Bees, the leader of it all back here.

D-Madness on the bass guitar.

And you guys, sorry, you guys didn't get to see her on this show, but how about one more time for the lovely summer, everybody solstress

solstress

unfucking believable she works here at mitzies and uh it's just incredible the talented people that work here on so many different levels we have fucking jujitsu champions fucking singers everybody it's unbelievable um

So, yeah, a lot of special stuff happening. Before we get tonight's episode started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.
Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

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you are here You are the lucky ones that we're able to be here on this night. Just like every other episode I book,

sometimes two, sometimes three, and on very special nights, nights, just one of the very best comedians in the world.

This is one of those nights where I love this guest so much that I like to let the show breathe.

I like to be able to fucking sit back and let me and the guest and Redband's wacky soundboard fucking do some work and

really drive home the backbone of this show, which are the people pulled out of the bucket and the regulars that we get to watch grow.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guest, one of the front runners for guest of the year.

Ladies and gentlemen, a freak of nature, this is one of those guys, much like

many of you may not have known Tim Dylan before he was Tim Dylan or Shane Gillis before he was Shane Gillis. This is one of those guys where it is a ticking time bomb.

If you don't know, the rest of the world will know. This is one of the best stand-up comedians in the fucking world.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great and powerful Sam Talent.

Oh yeah, baby.

Oh yeah. He is here.

He's back.

Let's fucking go.

This is where the magic happens.

That's the fucking Luling.

We're going to have some goddamn fun tonight.

263 people have signed up for the show. Sam, how are you? Welcome back.
I mean, I'm a bit mistyite, honestly.

That was such a nice intro, and these people, the fucking Kill Tony fanbase has changed my life.

And you guys buy tickets, and you come to the shows, and I'm just so grateful to be a part of this community.

Sorry, I'm opening sincerely. That's not why you're here.

That's good. Let me be vulnerable immediately.
Yes. That's a key to success here at Kill Tony.
But yeah, I mean, I was in Rome. I was in Amsterdam.
I was in Dublin, man.

Where do people get tickets for your shows?

Samtalent.com.

samtalent.com with two l's in that talent yeah uh by the way i forgot to mention this episode is brought to you by squarespace talk space game time shopify and zip recruiter ka-ching ka-ching ka-ching ka-ching uh 260 people signed up for tonight's episode this bucket is absolutely filled i mean this is thick and girthy i don't know if you guys see this fucking shit and i literally i mean it's always i always do that but you can't really tell there's so many in there and i like to get down and in and You dig it out.

I do. I like to fucking see if I can fucking make it square.
You should look the bucket in the eye if you're going that deep on it.

Yeah, it's a nasty little bitch of a bucket.

Oh, can I say something, Daddy, real quick? Absolutely. There's a comedy club in London that won't book me unless I get to 100,000 followers on Instagram.

So if you motherfuckers could follow me on Instagram at SamTalent so that I cannot work that club once I've achieved that goal, that would be...

Oh, yeah. That would be huge.
All right.

You're a theater act now, Sam. Well.

Plenty of tickets available in Bridgeport, Connecticut.

Well.

Yeah.

You could look back at

the highlight reel of times that I've talked about Connecticut on the show and see that almost nobody can sell tickets in Connecticut unless you are literally a retarded retard, in which case

they're like, this guy is like us. I'm going to go see the retarded retard because I live in Connecticut.
Truly the most garbage place in America. It's unbelievable.

My advice, just don't perform in Connecticut. Make them drive, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
And then make them drive to Madison Square Garden. That's what I do.
Yeah.

Well, I won't be doing Madison Square Garden anytime soon. So please make the drive to Bridgeport.

They added a Thursday, so that's insane.

They were like, hey, no one's coming to Friday and Saturday. Why aren't you coming a day early? So

thank you all.

Congrats on MSG, guys. That's a big moment.

Thank you. Yeah.
In comedy history, that's huge. It's unbelievable.
A lot of other fun stuff coming up. A lot of big announcements happening.
It's all very, very exciting.

Just in case this is the first time you're watching this show, if this is your first kill, Tony, we have to tell you that I pre-pulled the name.

That person's getting wrangled from the bar across the street. When they get up here, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.
You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And that interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview.
We find out more about them, what makes them interesting, what they could talk about, how they could possibly be better or get better,

or sometimes it's just a superstar. And we find them, and it happens, and their career thrives here on Kill Kiltoni Anything can happen you guys ready to start tonight's show

while we wrangle that comedian from across the street I have a regular for you guys

and he is a superstar His adventure started very very recently meanwhile he's considered a heavy fan favorite in the history of the show on this adventure of his as he continues to conquer all of his goals, the number one goal is still amongst us, which is making him a citizen of the United States of America.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from the Estonian assassin,

Ari Maddie!

I love you too.

I love Texas. I love it.
I do have to say one thing as a European though.

Open carry is fucking bananas.

I've never seen so many guns in the wild before.

Everybody's got guns here. I went to like Whole Food, saw a mother with a gun, just two kids and a gun.

And you could see these kids, listen.

You can tell these kids, go to bed by 10 p.m.

Or there's gonna be a home school shooting.

I could never have a gun. I'm a psycho.

I could never walk around with the ultimate argument finisher.

Every interaction I'm in would escalate.

I would be at the McDonald's like,

oh, the ice cream machine is off.

Turn it on.

Thank you.

And that is how it's done.

Superstar Ari Maddie has done it again.

Hey, somebody has your merch, Sam. That's crazy, huh? I know.
I know. You can get it on at SamTown on Instagram.

Were you playing tennis on a yacht today, Ari?

That is.

Well, usually you have shorts on too, so I figured I'll do a little thing, but now this motherfucker long pants. Fuck.
So at first, you're stealing my job

and now my look.

I do know I look fucking nautical today.

Look at that thing. Speaking of nautical, look at the fucking compass on this fucking guy.
That thing's pointing north, south, east, and west. Holy shit.
I don't know which direction.

Whoa, don't touch it like that, Ari. Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus.

I see your Estonias.

Oh, my goodness. I see your Latvia and your Lithuania.

Holy shit. It looks like a goddamn vodka bottle in there.

My goodness. I don't know.
I don't actually, my dick is like cookie, but

I have huge balls, bro. Yeah.
You got those RI fatties. Like in

the middle of.

You might think it's big, but you don't know it's 80% balls.

My dick looks like it's on a bean bag.

You're so European, you literally have soccer balls.

Incredible. That is the total package you have there.
My eyes are up here, Tony.

I'm sorry, I'm still thinking of dick jokes. It is incredible.

It is amazing. What do you think, huh? You like it? Oh, shit.

Look out. That Latino guy will get you pregnant.
You keep putting that thing in his face like that.

That's what they do. Why are you saying no? Oh, he's black? Is that what he told you? All right.
That's an illegal immigrant.

Hey, I'm African-American. I swear to God, no, I'm black, dude.

Don't do it with those straights and me. I mean, 23 in me.
Oh, wait, that's not the genetic one. I fucked that up.

Trumpet guy getting involved. All right.

He fucking woke up, I guess. The Mexicans are always excited to claim one of their own over here.
What do you guys think? He looks black to you.

Okay, Gonzalez says no. Carlos Sosa gives a shaky hand.
Fernando Castillo.

Raul Vallejo says hard no. I mean, that is a hard no.

I'll say it. You look black.

What do you do for work, sir?

A what?

A producer.

He's British.

I'm a fucking producer.

I'm a producer.

Yeah, so black.

I'm a producer.

Oh, hello.

Welcome to another. Welcome to another episode of Black British Guy.

I'm a producer here. I secured seats to the front row of the show.

I'm just like any other black guy hanging out with a Mexican woman, looking Mexican. You're black too.

Oh, get the fuck up. You're not.

What is this? The Kamala Harris section? You guys are not black.

You're not black. You're not black.
You're not black.

Welcome to Kill Tony.

This is Kill Tony.

All right.

We're going to check in with John Dee's, our senior black correspondent here. Yeah, thanks for asking me first.
And we should ask them questions to see if they're black.

Welcome to another episode of How Black Are You. They just covered, they both just covered up their faces like that, by the way.

Whoa, I didn't see her fingernails. She is black.
Whoa.

That is true. That is a black woman.
I can start to see it now. I'm starting to see it.

Ari, put that microphone up to the gentleman's face. What's your name, sir? Quincy.

My name's Quincy. Hello.

Oh, I'm from the mean streets of Oh, Abbey Road.

Oh!

Oh!

Toodaloo!

And hoodie who!

Oh, I'm so black!

Alright!

What are you producing, Quincy? Music. Okay, what kind of music?

Rap music. Oh, British rap music.
Hello. Hello.
You've heard of the Black Beatles, perhaps?

Song by Ray Strummond?

the rhythm of the street speaks to me in it

perhaps you've heard some of my songs queen kunta

what do you do any of the rapping no no no just the music no you just do the background music okay are there is it how can we find some of your music can we um it's on spotify it's on spotful spotify it's all fucking spotify

oh yes How would we find it? You're about to blow the fuck up right now, whether you want to or not.

Type in

No, put in a...

What kind of producer? What's the name of that?

I'm thinking of a song. Put in Burning.
Burning. It's called G-R-M.
And then Burning. That's...
G-R-M-Burning? Yeah, that's one of the songs. G-R-M.

You sound really excited for this. Red Band doesn't know how to spell G-R-M, so

it's just going to be a second here. You can spell G-R-A-B-Y.

I don't think there's a G in it.

Is this it with M. Huncho? Yeah.
Uh-oh. He does look excited.
Let's hear it.

Oh, shit.

Hey.

Oh, right.

Another beautiful day. Hey.
Where are my homies at?

I can't get it. Let's have some bloody teens.

Oh, my goodness. The trolley is late.

But I'm on time.

Alright, alright, alright. You win, British.

Alright.

This is a crazy show.

Sometimes you can make it big from the front row with this fucking show.

That's a fucking, you got some beats there, dude. That was way better than I expected, to be honest.

Holy shit.

I like how it started Chinese.

We really cannot put a finger on this guy's race.

He's like,

keep him guessing, brother. All right.

Amazing stuff.

Oh, shit. What a way to get it started.
Ari, you are the fucking man.

Thank you.

I cannot wait to see it happen

We are one election away from Ari Maddie becoming an American citizen. I'm positive of it.

Oh, it's the lovely Heidi

All right, and so it begins we move on to the bucket. This is where we find our next

who It could be anything could happen here. It's where we found all of our regulars.

It's where we found every golden ticket winner that's ever been on this show Sometimes Sometimes it's a crazy person.

Sometimes it's a person that's been doing it a long time that buckles under the pressure.

Sometimes it's someone that's brand new that thrives. Anything can happen.
Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pool of the night with 60 seconds uninterrupted goes by the name of Tom Feeback.

Here we go. Tom Feeback.

What's up, guys?

I have a girlfriend.

Yeah, we've been trying to spice up our sex life a little bit recently. You know, like the other day she gave me Roadhead.
Yeah, and that's a great time until the Uber driver kicks you out.

That is not

a good time.

I'm poor.

I think I did the poorest thing you could do recently, and that's donate plasma.

That has to be the brokest shit you could do. Whenever you go to donate plasma, they always make you do this questionnaire, and all the questionnaire wants to know is if you're gay.
That's the entire.

First question: have you had sex with a man? I'm like, no.

Next one was, have you had sex with a man even once?

I'm like, that's the same exact question.

And then they give you one to like throw you off the scent a little bit. You know, they're like, have you eaten today? I'm like, yeah, I ate.

They're like, yeah, pretty hungry after sucking all that cock, huh?

I'm like, no, just here for my $40, dude. Just

they have signs in that place. It'll say something like, today you saved a life.
I don't give a fuck about saving someone's life.

Like, you can literally tell me what you do with my plasma is we take it and we make nuclear bombs with it. I'd be like, you said $40, right? You said $40?

Fucking kill him, dude. Fucking.
All right, guys, that's everything. Thank you.
Tom, feedback.

Tommy.

What's up, Tony? How you doing, Sam? Solid 60 second set. This is your first time on the show? It's my second time on the show.
Okay. Awesome.
Awesome.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost four years now. Four years.
Where at? Chicago. And now you live here? Yeah, I've been here.
Yeah.

How long have you lived here for? I've been here for about four months now. Okay.
How do you like it? How's it going? So far, so good.

You know, just doing spots around town, getting up as much as I can. Okay.
Yeah. All right.
I like the Shane Gillis posture that he had on stage. Oh, yeah.
Yep.

Shane came along and now everyone fucking stands like this, like they're hiding half a hoagie.

It's so true.

Every white kid you see do stand-up now, and then they do hand behind the back, which no one's ever done that's a human being before. Yeah.

This is an insane way to stand, but hey, man, it's okay. I was

a big John Penett guy, so

I'm morbidly obese.

I'm a hand behind the back guy. I didn't realize that was a...

I've never had anyone make fun of it before. Well, yeah, no one's brave.

You guys are kingmakers, but you're my friends now. That's true.
that's on you.

The double-handed thing I have noticed recently, it is a thing.

It is a New York, Chicago thing. It's like you're trying to smuggle a Bud Light Tall Can into the movies.

I love it. So, Tom, what do you do for a living?

We went over this last time. I'm doing a lot of things.

We're going to go over some stuff that we went over last time. How dear.

Whoa, I apologize.

Right now I'm doing Uber Eats.

Uber Eats. Uber Eats, yeah.
Okay. All right.
How's that going for you?

I don't know. It kind of sucks.
It's a shit job. Tell us about it.

What are some things that we wouldn't know about an Uber Eats driver? Because I order a lot of food. Oh, yeah.
Almost every single meal. And I always wonder, like, what the fuck?

Can I tell you something that drives me crazy? You have a car, right? Yes. Yeah.

I ordered sushi the other night.

You think he delivers in a rickshaw? Well, no, it gets, this is, it's wild. I ordered sushi the other night, and I went a little crazy, right? I got one of those platter trays, right?

And then my fucking Uber Eats is like, yeah, okay, your driver is gone. And there's a little bicycle icon there.

And I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me, right? I like went big on this one, right? Like $120 and fucking sushi. And I'm already picturing the thing, right?

It shows you a picture of the fucking, it's the platter, not the little, not, it's not like I got fucking four rolls rolls or whatever where it would be like a rectangle you can just say you're rich tony yeah no they know they know very happy for you they know thanks to squarespace talk space game time shopify and zip recruiter i got the fucking platter

god damn it i worked my ass off for this platter it's all i ever wanted it's all i ever needed

Anyway,

and I see the bicycle and I know right fucking away. I know right away.
I'm like, there's no way that this bicycle has the fucking infrastructure to handle this platter.

This fucking guy is going to shove this thing in a fucking backpack long ways, and sure enough, I get it, and everything's on fucking one side, it's all smushed together.

Was it hard to eat it in your ivory tower?

Can it make it difficult for your slaves to feed it to you up?

It was.

The altitude was getting to them.

They were wobbly with the chopsticks. The blindfolds didn't make it when they came over.

I was so delusional, I thought that I was hanging out with a bunch of British rappers for a second.

Have you seen the person walking icon yet? Where it's like, your order will be there in 30 minutes.

You got to be fucking kidding, man. It happened twice.
Oh, my. You must have a low Uber Eats rating or something for God to punish you like that.

Tom, you can say something funny as well.

We're just letting you guys do your thing. We're not lifting over here.

I'm just letting you guys do your thing.

But you have a car you're delivering? Yeah, I just delivering a car. What kind of car is it? Honda Accord.
Oh my goodness. Yeah.
A little hatchback? No, no, just a sedan, four-door sedan. Four doors.

Look at you. Wow.
Falling out of control. Falling out.
Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Any crazy orders that you've had recently or anything go wrong or go good?

No, it's mostly the names that

trip me up sometimes. Yep.
What do you mean? Well, there was one name that I had to pick up for, and it was basically the N-word.

Whoa. What are they doing? You're talking about one of those Quincy's?

No.

You know who we left out of the conversation when we were deciding if Quincy was black? Was this dangerous white supremacist right there? Oh, yeah. Look at this stone-cold killer.

I see

this guy saw Trump's post about Owen 2 on assassination attempts. He's like,

soon.

Oh, yeah. Tom, what do you think? Is he black enough for you?

Yeah, yeah, he's black enough, I think. Yeah.

I don't know what's going on. I still see a little Latino in him.
I would describe him as a wet black.

Oh, oh,

oh,

we came for Kill Tony. We didn't expect a joke like that.

Oh, no, we never heard nothing like that before on the Jimmy Fallon show.

This isn't what we expected.

Bro, you heard the fucking beat he made. Come on now.
Wait, what? Credit where credit's due. You heard the beat he made.
All right, Matt. Jesus, what are you as fucking lawyer?

My God.

How dare you continue the joke, son Quincy? I mean, you heard the beat.

Objection, Tony. Objection.

Oh, my God.

I objection. Jesus Christ Almighty.

It's your turn, Tom.

You know what? I changed my mind. I don't think he's black.
I don't think he's... Oh,

what is. Oh, look how pissed Matt.
He's a bag on the the fucking plane, bro.

This is part of it. He looks Dominican to me, to be honest.
Whoa.

Look out. Dominican Republic.
D.R., Dr. Dre.
All right. Dr.
Dre.

Back to you, Tom. What's happened interesting in your life since the last? I can't remember your last set.
Did it go good? Was it

as good as that? No, I think it went well.

Sam was on the episode last night. I got the big joke book.
You know, I thought it went solid. Since then,

people have been trying to scam me to do headlining sets since they saw my Kill Tony thing. Scam you? Scam me.
Scam. Scam you.
Yeah. Tell me more about that.
Like this.

It's a very interesting thing that people would love to know about.

I got a message on Instagram. He's like, yeah, come out and do my show.
I'll pay you all this stuff. And then

he, you know, he's like, I'll send you a chauffeur.

I'll pay for your hotel flight. And I was like, this has to be a scam.
No way. No one wants me that bad.

And then he just stopped messaging me.

What do you think happened exactly? Did he watch your whole set?

What do I think happened?

Well, he wanted me to send my bank info to him.

Oh!

Well, he said he didn't say that he wanted you to perform in Ethiopia. This is incredible.
Or wait, no, that's not it. Nigeria? Close enough.

We're taking a lot of shots, man. They're not all going to go in.

Yeah, exactly. We're not Quincy on the court.

Amazing. Amazing.

Where was this gig going to be at? It said Baltimore, I think. Somewhere in Maryland outside Baltimore.
So you know they're shady, you know? Yeah. Might be the real.

There's not a gig in the world that will need your bank info, by the way. Just

a little something for all the listeners out there. Do not get excited about a gig that needs your.

Well, first he said he was going to, he wanted my bank info to wire the money, and then he said he was going to email me a check.

I don't think you emailed checks, I'm not a financial guy. You were excited, though.
You're like, Yeah,

oh, yeah, I'll do anything for $200, dude. I'll do $200.

He was gonna fly you, chauffeur you. Well, yeah, that's how I knew it was a scam.
I'm like, no, this doesn't add up, you know. 200! Well, yeah,

my gosh, go do anything for 200, huh?

Oh, no. Hit me up, Redband.

There you go. Someone's on this secret.
Don't look at me when you're horny.

I love it. Well, Tom, very fun times.
Another rock-solid appearance. You already have a big joke book.

You did it again, taking advantage of your time here in Austin, Texas, and showing the world what's up. There he goes, Tom Phoebe.
Thank you.

And it goes on and on. Can't understand how I last so long.

I must have superpowers.

All right, y'all. Gather around because Monet Exchange from Sibling Rivalry is here with an announcement.
This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini.

Now listen, the girls over at Google said, Monet, tell the children. So I'm telling you, U.S.
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So whether you're uploading a video to get feedback on your presentation, uploading a photo of your homework to ask for help, or transcribing notes from a lecture you missed, Gemini 3 Pro can help.

And baby, if I had this in college, oh, she would have been unstoppable. Picture it.

Monet Exchange in the library, uploading a picture of my music theory homework, like Gemini, please help Adiva out, or recording my rehearsal videos for feedback instead of crying in the practice room for three hours.

This would have been life-changing. Now, back to the goods.
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Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Darren Jones, everybody. Here we go, Darren Jones.

60 seconds.

Talked to Jesus last night.

It was deep. He said they've been trying to come back for centuries, but these hoes keep aborting me.

Like, God damn, it's a crucifixion with some shit, but them pussy vacuums,

he said he's tired of going through that shit, man. He'd rather just say fuck coming back.
For real, like, shit deep.

He said, like, niggas gonna see fire and brimstone before we have to settle for some Catholic pussy. That shit ain't happening.

That shit ain't happening at all.

It's fucked up, man.

Might not ever see the Christ again because of these hoes, man. What type of shit is that?

It's gonna be damn nation around this motherfucker.

It's my time here.

All right.

Darren Jones. Welcome to the show, Darren.
This is your first time here, right? Yes, sir. I love it.
Grab that mic. Let's talk about it.

I love it. Welcome, welcome.
Big opportunity. Wear your best slides.
Hell yeah. Yeah.
That's it, man.

I love it. I love it.
Slides and jokes are coming out like scam Patterson. I love it.

Hey, real quick, you just did pretty good. If anyone offers you $200 to go to Baltimore,

take it. All right?

Absolutely. Welcome, welcome, Darren.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

For about a year and a half, two years. And before that, you were doing angry poetry?

Yeah, something like that. Something like that, really? Nah, nah.
Oh, okay. Rapping, so I was rapping.

Were you rapping about the lost tribe of Israel?

Nah.

I love it. Rustafarai.

Aye and I.

What do you do for a living?

Right now I work for a fencing company. You've been working for a fencing company? What do you fence? Stolen goods?

Sorry, Dee. It's a pun, sir.

It's a synonym joke. So you build fences here in Texas? I don't build them.
I actually work in the lumber yard, Rogers.

Really, all the builders are Mexican. You know what I'm saying? You build the Mexicans? Yeah, nah.
All the builders are Mexicans, but everybody who works in the yard ain't Mexican.

They keep you in the yard? Yeah, yeah.

Is it like a yard, like a field?

Nah, nah.

When you say a yard,

how do they keep you in?

Yeah. Yeah.

They have a fence around the fencing

that you have to stay in? Nah, nah.

Okay.

Now, are you typically dangerously stoned? Is that?

Do you usually roll around the highest man allowed by law?

Nah, I don't even smoke, man. What?

Whoa. What? This is amazing.
You smoked so much that you just stuck like that at some point?

That's probably what happened. This is incredible.

This is absolutely amazing. You're so chill.
You're so.

IRY is the term. Yeah.

Yeah.

Absolutely. I love it.
So what else do you do for fun?

I'm trying to do comedy for fun, though. I mean,

shit, nothing lately but working and trying to do comedy, man. It's expensive down here.
I love it. I love it.
You're surviving, though. Yes, sir.
I love it. But you rap sometimes, you said.

I used to. Yeah.
Yeah. If we gave you a little beat, could you give us a little example of a rap right now? Oh, yeah, I can do that.
Sounds great.

Tell Michael what you want there. If there's a specific type of beat or whatever,

these guys can do anything. I can go off anything.
Okay, well, there you go. Oh, shit.

I ain't freestyled in a minute. Put that mic right up so that we can all hear you.

I ain't freestyled in a minute. Fuck it.
It's time to get up in it.

I like papa on the spinach. But if a nigga disrespect, I got the Smithin.
Wessing, if y'all ain't get it. Up here at Kill Tony, open mic, rapping and shit.

Man, I used to be trapping and shit, but I'm a changed man.

Right now, comedy, the motherfucking game playing.

Check it out, we wanna speak about about it? Shit, I'm on the stage. I'm a geek about it.
I'm gonna call my fucking fam after this shit. And tell him how I met that crazy nigga Hinchcliffe.

I think I gotta drop the mic after that flow.

Y'all don't even want me to...

Y'all want me to go. Alright.

Quincy, do you want to make him an offer?

Let's take this thing all the way back to Essex, Quincy. Come on.

I will keep him in my yard.

Do you have a passport?

I love it. Very, very chill, very mellow.
You're like, why Clef yawn?

Amazing. How long you been rapping for? Since I was a kid.
I remember my first rap. Yeah.
Yeah, it was my first rhyme, I should say. I hit him in the face, then I spray him with some mace.

I was like six.

Wow. Yeah.
Yeah. Bars.

So you peaked early.

How bad was your home life if that was your first rap?

Was that about mom's new boyfriend?

Nah, nah, nah. Something cool to say.

Oh, yeah. I get cool stuff.
I say cool stuff all the time.

Amazing. Amazing.
That's what made me like start comedy, actually.

It was a Bill Burke bit where I seen his transition into like where he said, that's what's funny about Hitler.

And that reminded me, like, when you want a certain rhyme scheme, when you switch like the rhyming word up to a different sounding word, like you got to make it smooth and they got to hit hard.

You know what I'm saying? So I was like,

that made that. That hit me right there like a bar.
Like,

I think I can try to do this. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely.
Amazing.

I know what you're saying. I believe.

Yes.

Your vibe is correct.

It is incredible. How old are you, Darren? 36.
36. Meanwhile, you look like your own grandmother.
That's incredible.

It is unbelievable. You look like you speak for the trees.

Whoopi.

Oh, good.

I love it.

Darren, you have a love life? You've been going on dates or you got a girl or what's going on?

Nah, I'm going through a divorce. Okay.
How long were you married? Since 2015, December. Okay.

It is gravy, though. Me and she, she still, she cool.
We cool. Yeah.
Yeah. She moving back home.
Where's home? Zimbabwe. Oh.

So you got the country in the divorce?

It's cheap enough.

What's her name? Rudo.

It means no worries.

We've been doing this a long time.

I love it. I love it.

So why did the divorce happen? What happened?

Nah, because she moving back to her country and I don't want to go with her. I'm American, goddammit.
She wanted you.

Shit!

Do you miss her?

She ain't gone yet. Shit.

What, you haven't finished the job?

Nah.

When she told you that she was going back to Zimbabwe, how did she say it?

Again, we've been doing this a really long time. I thought you guys scheming, and it paid off.

Little Jordan and Pippin shit going on over here. Friggin' little pick and roll.
You know what I mean? It doesn't really matter what she said. That was going to be the answer anyway.

Amazing. So her ultimatum was move back to Zimbabwe with me or we divorce?

Something like that. We actually came to the decision ourselves because I saw her because she wasn't fully happy.

Wait, what? Because we came to the decision because we sat down and talked to her, talked about it. And I told her, she said, I always said it was more chaotic over here.

It was like she got her bachelor's in nursing. She still ain't happy.
I'm like, just go home and see if you good over there. It's more chaotic.

In America, yes. Than in Zimbabwe.
Because this is, yeah. What the fuck is Zimbabwe like?

That is not not how I would have pictured things. Doesn't carry things on her head or something, like baskets.

What the fuck?

Red Band, stick to the soundboard.

Stick to the wacky sound effects, Red Band. It is truly your bread and butter.

Just overtly racist. Yeah, it's unbelievable what you just said.
Did she have baskets on her head?

But where's she from in Zimbabwe? Like, they only got electricity from 2 a.m. to 4 a.m.
Like, are you serious? Yeah, they broke as hell over there.

She wanted to go back to that instead of be married to you?

Yeah. Oh,

that's tough.

So wait a second. They...

Wait. No.

Red Band,

what did you type in to find that picture of it? Black woman with basket of fruit balanced on head in Zimbabwe.

I mean,

did you just make that with AI?

What did you type in? Is that what you type Zimbabwe baskets on head? There are, it is literally a ton of image with black people with baskets on their head.

I'm actually impressed that you knew that stereotype about Zimbabwe. This is one of the most I've never seen you this happy before

I've never seen them this smart before. I've never seen him nail a cultural stereotype like this.
Have you seen a woman with a basket of fruit on her head in Zimbabwe? Have I seen it? Yeah. Nah.

Do you think your wife has seen it? Pretty sure. Yeah, absolutely.

So they really only have electricity for two hours in the middle of the night, so you have to like plug your phone in then and just fall asleep and like wake up with it kind of charged?

Yeah, that's why I couldn't do that shit. Yeah.

So why would she go through all the work of getting a degree, moving to the

what we all up until now considered the greatest country in the world?

What is it? Is it family that she misses? Yeah, that's mostly it. Family and it's less stressful.
Right, right. Were you still having sex? It's been almost 10 years.

Were you kind of like, kind of, you know, was it kind of slowing down a bit? I bet those slides got her wet.

Yeah.

I was hitting them cheeks right, God. You were hitting the cheeks right.
Right.

And she was still giving you head like a fruit basket?

Yeah.

This is the stupidest show on planet Earth. I can't believe it's wildly successful.
It doesn't really make any sense. Like, someone would be...

It's giving you a head like a fruit basket. Like, what other fucking...

You know, it's just unbelievable.

What else are Zimbabweans known for? Is that right? A Zimbabwean? I'll tell you what.

Yeah.

Zimbabwe has a very troubled history. Yeah.
Yes. If you meet like a white guy from South Africa, you're nervous.
If you meet a white guy from Zimbabwe, leave the Falconry Yard. All right.

You got to get away. The Rhodesian Army.
Am I insane? Nah, you're about right.

Facts. Yeah.

As we say. Yeah.

They had the same president for like 60 years and he died. And everybody hated him, but now they got somebody even worse than him, so they want the old nigga back.
That's what happens.

That's what happens.

sounds like somewhere else that i kind of know of yeah

you want to reinstill a dictatorship is that what you're saying hey i'm fucking down at this point um

uh so uh darren very fun stuff i loved your interview i love your style great stuff here's a big joke book yeah Welcome, welcome to the Kill Tony universe. That is the Kill Tony debut of Darren Jones.

and we are off to a very hot start. This is very exciting.
Uh, this is the return of a guy that's been doing this show forever. He was on the show in LA in the main room.

He's been on at Vulcan Gas Company. Uh, he's been on here, ladies and gentlemen.
This is uh the return of Dan Nolan, a very rock-solid comedian. A brand new minute by Dan Nolan.

How's it going?

I like trans porn.

A lot of people think that that makes you gay if you like trans porn. I disagree.
You know, it does make you gay.

Chemicals that the government's been putting in our drinking water.

No, I don't think it's gay to like trans women. The way that I look at it, I like women so much, I don't even care if they have giant, beautiful penises.

I'll suck a lady's penis. That's not gay.
You guys are gay. Shut up.

I'm really tall. I am 6'5.
A lot of insecurities with being tall. Like, I always thought that I had a small penis.
Turned out it was just far away.

Me and my girlfriend are trying to have a baby. We're getting all the tests done and stuff.
I just got my sperm tested. It was a blindfolded taste test.

Almost everyone preferred Pepsi.

All right, thank you guys. Unbelievable.

I'm back, baby. Unbelievable.
Another rock solid minute by Dan Nolan. So many jokes in that minute, too.
He's so good. That was great, man.
Dude, it's been years. I haven't been on the show.

I was on the last comedy store show. That was the last one I was on.
Wait, really? Yeah, I was never on in Austin. Really? Yeah.
Dude, I fucking signed up like 50 fucking times. That's insane.

It's crazy. In my head, it's like a Baron Steve Bears thing, or in our case, The Bean from Chicago.

Like, I could have sworn that you've been on the show everywhere. No, never in Austin.
Wow, that's fucking crazy. No, yeah.
Yeah, well, we just see each other everywhere. Yeah.
It's like whatever.

Yeah.

Out there on the streets hustling. We're always going up and doing shows.
Yeah, Daddy Red Band's my boss now. We're going to go to fucking sunset.
It's been years. Yeah.
So tell the people.

None of these people know know who I am. I was on the show a long time ago before millions of.
No,

does anybody remember me from the other? No, Dan. Come on.
Let's just answer my question.

No, shit, it's really good. I got a great girlfriend.
We're getting serious.

We are trying to have a baby. How long have you been with her?

Two years. Where'd you meet her at? Just on Hinge.
Okay. What was your first date?

We went to some coffee place in Mueller. Okay.
Classic romantic, I see. Yes.

Absolutely. She's Belarusian.

Ooh, easy to trick.

Yes,

very good.

All you need is a pair and a burlap sack, and she's yours forever. Yes.

Congratulations on your budding love. Thank you.
That's great. Belarusian.
So she carries fruit baskets on her head.

What are Belarusians known for?

They make really good tractors.

Wow.

She went to the same college as Lee Harvey Oswald's wife.

Okay.

Wow.

That's the two things that Belarus is famous for. Wow.

And ballet. Oh, yeah, the Bolshoi, right? Yes.
They're strong on their feet.

Bleeding toes, these women. Yeah, she did ballet.
Yes.

Yeah.

Amazing.

So you're trying to have a baby. What are you doing to try to have a baby? What exactly are you doing?

You just, do you like, is there a special thing that you do? Do you like hold her upside down or anything like that? I'd have to take like a bunch of fertility hormones and stuff.

Did you, you got your sperm tests and you have a low sperm count? No, I have like a crazy high sperm count now. It's insane.

Now, yeah. Now you have to do it.
Yeah, before, yeah, I was taking testosterone for like four years, so then I've had to stop and I had to take shit so that I to get like jumpstart my balls again.

Right. HCG?

No, I was taking HCG while I was on test, and then I got off and I'm now taking, or I'm not taking anymore, I was taking clomophene. What about PCP? Ever tried that?

Yeah.

I have not.

Get wet and then get wet.

Well, the Belarusian soil is notoriously infertile.

That's true. There's been various plagues and blights that have ruined their

you got to fucking till the soil over and over again. Yeah.

It's true. Yep.
That's how you do it. Going with the spade, you know? Mm-hmm.

So when you're coming inside of her,

is it like,

do you like go like, do you go like all the way in and like,

like, just like stay all the way in? Or is it more of like a keep pumping and try to shoot it in there type of thing? I've always been kind of curious because I avoid making children.

I have my own, I I don't know if you've met William Montgomery, I have my own children here that I'm raising. It's a very hard job, but I don't know how to make a baby.

Are you doing it like the BB gun at the carnival or like filling the clown's mouth? Right. Yeah.

Spray and pray.

Yeah. Not a boy.

So what are you doing? Just kind of, yeah. Yeah.
Leaving it in for a sec and then. Leave it in for a sec.

Let it marinate for a second, right? You are a romantic,

sweet boy. It's like prepping chicken thighs for you.

Do you like scoop it back in like when it

comes out? Yeah.

Yeah, red band's like,

do you blow it back in there with a scuba? Fucking

blow it in. No, yeah, blow it in.
That's red band. Yeah, genius.

Ever since you were right about Zimbabwean fruit baskets, you got a real swagger about you, Red Band.

All right.

This is amazing. So what else is going on other than pumping away, trying to make babies? Anything else we should know about you, Dan?

No, just chilling, working.

You work at Sunset Strip Comedy Club. Yeah, no, I'm also like an engineer during the day.
Oh, wow. Look at that.
Look at the staff you have, Red Band, working over there.

I love.

Forgot to use it. To use the mic.

He's been working on the ceilings for almost a year and a half. Incredible.
I'm the only one that can reach him.

Incredible.

Absolutely amazing. Well, Dan, I love it.
With the last time you were on, since it was in LA, I'm assuming you don't even have one of these. No, never.
Ladies and gentlemen, there you go.

It's from the Great Bones Eye.

We'd love to have you on the secret show, also,

especially if you're working. All right, thank you guys.
Make some fucking noise for Dan Nolan. He's signed up over 50 times.
That was great.

That's 50 fucking weeks of lingering around hundreds of other people at a big, dreary bar known as Poor Choices on 6th Street. And he finally got back up again.

All right, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Mike Hammock. Make some noise for Mike Hammock, everybody.

What's up, guys? I'm out here from Colorado Springs from a very traditional, conservative Colorado Springs family. My grandparents are married for 62 years.
They died four minutes apart. Sounds sweet.

The doctors tell us that's very common in murder suicides. Pretty much.

Par for the course is what he said.

America's got a lot of problems. I think none worse than women in their 20s having too much confidence.

Listen, I was hanging out with a comic and his girlfriend, a couple of her friends were out. We all had a drinks.
We got a little silly.

One of them gives me like a half boob flash and looks me dead in the eyes and goes, I bet I'm hotter than your wife. Yeah, what do you say? I panicked.
I don't know what to say.

I'm like, yeah, maybe you're 22, but you're not hotter than my house and kids. Like, I have a 3% mortgage.
You think I'm going to risk that on fucking you? Are you out of your goddamn mind?

It's a pre-COVID mortgage. What are you doing right now?

What are your tits made out of custody? Get the fuck out of here.

Oh, my God.

I feel like that was the minute. I feel like that was the minute.
That was the minute. Yeah, you did it, dude.
That's what it's like.

Welcome, welcome. Thank you.
I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? How are you doing?

12 years. 12 years.
Where at? Denver. Yeah.
With Sam. Amazing.
He's a fucking. You're funny now.
This is great.

Yeah.

When you came out, I was like, ooh, okay, check your phone. But no.

That was great, Mike. Way to go, buddy.
Thank you. You win bald.
That sucks.

Yeah, I had two kids. I had two kids during the pandemic, so that's what fucking happens.
And did you become a a pedophile for the mustache, too?

I like to jog, and so it makes me feel like people see me with kids. They start chasing us, and that's what the mustache is for.
Not really good at riffing, Mike. Nope.

I gotta bully you a little bit, Mike. That was good, buddy.
Got good at the craft, not with the arts. You know what I mean?

So, Mike, I love it. This is amazing that you're from Denver.

Literally, I would say, without a doubt, top five comedy scenes in the country. And

one of the greats from Denver, Sam Talent's here. So you remember seeing him less funny as we've seen this a billion times with people that have stuck with it and done it for a long time.

He was so unfunny, I didn't like him. But now

I'm charmed, man. That was great, dude.
Thank you. You're headlining on the road and shit, right? Yeah, I'm going out a little bit.

The kids have slowed me down in the last couple of years, but I just booked a place in Michigan.

How old are the kids?

Three and one. Three and one.
Girls, boys. Both boys.
Both boys. Look at you.
Dan Nolan's jealous. He's out there shooting blanks like fucking.

Meanwhile, you look like the one that would need fertility drugs. I actually just got cut.
I just closed Chubb's shop. Oh my God.
That is incredible. Looks like he needs HIV drugs.

It's fucking Philadelphia over here.

It is incredible. You still based out of Denver? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're just visiting Austin. Yeah, I flew in for this.
Amazing. First sign up.
Wow. That is absolutely incredible.

You just got to literally see Dan Nolan, who's works for Red Band, say that he's signed up over 50 times here in Austin, living here for years. You fly in today, you get up, and

you get to literally perform in front of a Denver icon and fucking have a good set. That is incredible.
Yeah, that rules, man. I'm so excited.
I'm very excited about that.

This is pretty cool. I also got up on the mothership open mic, but I didn't know you had to check in, and so I missed my fucking spot on the open mic.
Missed your spot. So this is such a goddamn save.

This is fucking phenomenal for me right now. Yeah, yeah.

Well,

very business-minded, Mike Hammack. Yes.
Yeah, it tracks. Had a boy.
Are you still in the Springs? Yeah, we moved down there during the pandemic, and we're locked, and we got the kids.

We're not going anywhere. Yeah, these kids are really a fucking anchor around your neck, huh, buddy?

You just need to.

Yeah, the three-year-old has a sleep disorder, so I've definitely thought about it. Yeah, yeah.

What kind of sleep disorder does a three-year-old have?

He has never slept through the night his entire life. From day one, he is still waking up two or three times a night.
He has got a REM disorder, so every three hours he's up for about 10, 20 minutes.

You should put him to bed forever, Mike.

wow

how long does it take him to fall back asleep what are some tricks that you do for that uh clam some of your old sets

we've tried a lot we've tried you know books on tape we've tried everything oncotton

i uh i i'll sing to him sometimes like can you give us an example of I fucking knew.

I do the classics. I do the Rock of By Baby.
Sing the song. Sing the fucking song, dude.
Entertain me, Mike.

Baby, on the treetop.

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.

When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall.

Down will come, baby, cradle.

Wow.

Absolutely unbelievable. You're running the whole gambit here.
We're getting a little taste of everything from Mike Hammack.

Ironic that your last name is Hammock and you have a kid that can't fall asleep.

If your name was Mike Temper Pedic, maybe you'd have better luck.

What do you do for a living? I do cybersecurity. Ooh,

so cool.

Ooh, I'm so secure with your cyber.

You help people download child pornography.

Absolutely incredible. It's true.
Nobody likes a kid that can't fall asleep more than a pedophile. That's amazing.

Just action all night long, just every 30 minutes, just waking up for a more cop.

Well, when my wife is cranky, I know she's not putting out.

Rockaboy, baby.

All right, all right.

Okay, Mike. What do you do for fun? You have this three-year-old, the one-year-old.
Other than stand-up comedy, do you have any passions?

You seem like a guy that would have like a weird hobby up in the attic or something like miniature houses. I like to read.
I like to

exactly. We're going to the fucking zoo for my birthday because that's what you do with kids.
So I'm going to go. Yeah, but not like a one-time thing.

You don't have anything that you're passionate about? Oh, I like to read. I like to write.
I like to write some short stories, like stuff like that.

Yeah, yeah. Mostly just that.
And just hang out with the kids. They're one in three.
This is the best time to hang out with kids. They're fun.
They're interesting. They can't remember anything.

They can't remember.

Yeah, so mostly it's just hang out with the kids.

All right. Well.

How long are you in town for?

I flew in Saturday, and I fly out tomorrow morning, 7 a.m. Never mind.
Well, I'll tell you what, though.

You missed your spot upstairs, and I do have a little agreement with the great and powerful talent booker here, Adam Egot. Egot.

One of the funniest human beings on planet Earth and literally the best comedy booker in the world.

Rogan hired him from the comedy store. Everybody moved here and he has indeed,

without a doubt, made this the greatest comedy club, the best lineups in the world. And so, as a little special treat, I figured I wrote down, missed your spot.

So why don't we escort him to the other room and get him up to make up for that spot?

So Adam Egan will see you. You'll get that spot there.

No pressure, but your entire, the rest of your career depends on how that set in front of Adam goes.

Thank you. So keep the momentum up.
Fucking ride the wave and there you go. Good luck.
There he goes. Mike Hammock.
Oh Mike, here he goes. One of those two.
Booyah.

See the arc I've put on that? I'm a joke book throwing master. I mean, I'm just the greatest.
Don't let Dan's pop-up flip thing fool you. He fucked that up.

Mike hit me up to try and hop on my shows this weekend. I left him on red.
So this is

a bit embarrassing.

But good guy, you know, loves his kids.

Yeah,

way to go, Mike. Oh, my God.

It's just...

People will never believe how real this show is. Like, a moment like that is so fucking hysterical.

Come on, Mr Ed. Very funny.
And then

you have to face them, literally, in front of technically millions of people. That is amazing.

No se que pedirists navidades because

all what

McDonald's tragedy of regrets el magrib, and that is the corporate porpio polimitado. That delicious sandwich decerdo de vezado, sasonado cubierto dun intensa salsa barbecue.

Es sufficiente para la legarme las fiestas. And no unico que recipiste año, eh, because also canadir un refresco encual quieta maño miordonde demacri por sol unos es escenta nueve.

Bara papa pa preso y participación pueden barrano pedo cominars con 1 troferto cómo mi.

The Phantom of the Opera returns to San Francisco more spectacular than ever. Playing the Orpheum Theater, May 28th through June 21st.
Get your tickets at BroadwaySF.com. Now

we've gotten through four bucket pulls, ladies and gentlemen, and I think it's time for us to bring.

Normally, I like to bring a regular up when momentum has died out, but I'm truly running out of big joke books here tonight.

I have a plethora of little ones that have not been given out, so that doesn't mean we don't get another regular. You got it, ladies and gentlemen.

I present to you one of the all-time greats of the show, a cold-blooded fucking killer. This is indeed the one and only Cam patterson

i was i was in oklahoma uh this weekend and it was cool i like oklahoma because they had they had pretty good weed out there and i smoke like regular a little bit but i just like the flour i don't want nothing else they they brought me some weed a lot of weed and then they also brought me thc syrup

and the lady was like listen, this syrup is very potent and strong. Only take a teaspoon.
And I wanted to be funny. So I'm like, I'm going to drink the whole bottle.
And she went, do not do that.

You will die, right?

So my homeboy, he is like a weed kind of soul. He loves weed.
Weed is his thing, right? So he was like, I'm going to just pour half the bottle into a cup. I'll be fine.

Now, listen, the bottle had a skull and crossbones on it.

Do not, you listen, he thought he was better than the dead nigga. He not, not okay

Nobody's better than the dead nigga. Nobody better than that scolding crossbone, but you will die, right? That's why it's there.
That same that same crossbone is on bleach. You understand that?

So he took the drink, right? And he became, how do he became autistic?

And not like regular, like non-verbal autistic. He was talking to me with his hands.

And then he shit himself. So that was pretty cool.
All right, that's my time.

Booyah.

Oh, man.

I didn't think that was going to work. I didn't think that was going to work.
That was strange. I was stressing.
I was stressing about that one. That was scary.

You put yourself in quite a tough position. So many good sets.
You're following yourself. You're competing with yourself week after week.
And there's nothing like it happening in all of comedy.

You know, you came in when the show was blowing up, was huge, and doing great stuff so it's a tricky situation yeah and you handle it with uh with grace like a pro you're so naturally funny cam thank you you're so fucking funny thank you so much yeah dude i don't know how you keep that hat on your head but

it's black magic

You mean voodoo?

They're eating the cats and dogs. Nah, not voodoo.

They're eating the cats and the dogs and shit. That was so funny.
That was funny as shit. Is that your Trump impression? You're catching dogs, nigga.

You're catching the dogs.

That's how you do it.

That's how you do it. Yeah, yeah.
Do a cross-side for your Trump? That's how you do it. That's how you talk.
Ain't no cash in the dogs.

Ooh, it's getting better. I'm actually watching it get better.
You can really do a good impression.

That's fine. I'm really, don't make that fucking face fuck, nigga.
That's a good Trump impressive. He went, meh, that's a great trumpet presser.
Yeah. It's so bad.

I'm not good with voices. I can only do mine.
That's it.

Any other one, I'm like, ah, whatever, yeah, whatever, nigga. It's it.
It's all I can get you, brother. Absolutely.

I love it. Oklahoma does have great weed.

Our favorite weed grower in the world moved to Oklahoma

and began a huge operation there and uh it's a thriving place it is super legal it is highly competitive it's a whole thing going on there it's crazy no that's that's the that happened yeah that story happened yesterday and my dog with me right now and he's still high that's the thing like he's still up the funniest part he was uh i i didn't i want to i want to try to make that like a full story the funniest part about it though to me is uh He was like in the bathroom.

He was taking the shit, but he threw up on himself, right? Oh, yeah. So he, but he wasn't, we were like, yo, Joe, you good?

And we wasn't saying nothing like yo Joe you good, but he wasn't I'm like this nigga probably died in the bathroom, so we got to go check on him.

So I bust in the bathroom and he just went what you in here for faggot. That's what he called

like I'm I'm trying to help you dumbass

Like get out the bathroom gay ass nigga. What if I'm trying to help you

That gonna be doing the Oscars in 20 years. There it go

That's over. Oh man.
I think it'll be I don't think it'll take 20 years to get there

That is amazing that he if he thought that that was your moment to get gay while he's shitting and vomiting all over himself like this is my time. This is when I'm gonna make my move.

Don't forget to take it now, brother.

Oh, yeah.

This is good, man. I like this a lot.
I love gay people.

Hell yeah.

I'll be having to say, you know what I realized about this show? My words matter. That's kind of crazy, right?

That's insane to me. Yeah.

My words mean something to people. That blow my mind.
Bro, you know the episode.

It's real shit.

I didn't know this. I didn't know this.

Black words matter.

They do. Yes.
Bro, I just be saying random shit. Like a couple episodes before I said, I said legalized fit and all, because I just wanted to, right?

And 20 people came to my show with legalized fit and all shirts and camphor president on their shirt. And I was like, you can't do that, dog.

Don't listen to me.

Hey, I'm going to tell y'all something. I just found out that a pickle was a cucumber yesterday.
Understand?

Do not listen to me.

Don't do that.

Unless you a bitch with a fat ass, then suck my dick, please.

I would love that.

hell yeah no doubt about that i might throw up

the trump thing gave me the giggle so bad

i just learned that a pickle was a cucumber

oh fuck that is amazing i did though yeah that's true that's a true thing i can't look at you

You think I'm playing? You think that's something I play about? I'm dead serious, though.

I ate a cucumber that was sliced like a pickle, and I went, oh fuck.

Who explained it to you? Who told you? Who confirmed it for you? Well, my brain just went, oh, it all makes sense now. I just thought a pickle was another thing, dog.

But in here, they get wise.

You know, they grew that way.

It's the only wet, salty vegetable.

Oh, I have a fucking crap.

I thought you made them in water, so I was confused.

What do you think a raisin is? Do you think a raisin grows as a raisin? Well, after I went down that rabbit hole, I also found out what a raisin was.

You and hell the cucumber rabbit hole.

Whoa.

How old were you guys, though, when you found out cucumbers were pickles? See? It was like 40. See?

I also thought pickles were just pickles. Now I feel fucking retarded.
God damn it. God damn it.
Bad company. Bad company.

Ah, you were all cool when you were bragging about knowing about the bean, though, huh?

Some pointless piece of art. And by the way, let me say, it's been a few weeks.
I'm ready to talk about it.

Let me just say,

everyone thinks, eh, the big running joke. Tony's gay.
Tony's gay. Tony's a.
Can I tell you how many fucking tough guys reached out in every fucking way and form going, you don't know about the bean?

All these people, like, you don't know about this art deco piece in Chicago?

Bunch of f ⁇ gets out there judging me, the supposed gay guy, for not knowing about some art installation in fucking piece of shit Chicago.

A dump.

And no, I work when I'm in shit. I'm not visiting the fucking bean, you pieces of shit.
Damn, fuck yo. Bored fucking tourist.

And he was just there to make a fucking internet video for content or else he wouldn't know what the fucking bean is either. He didn't even know what a pickle it's a cucumber.

I didn't know what the bean was in Chicago and the internet lost their fucking minds about it.

Oh, stop the fucking clocks on Kill Tony's success. Tony's never been to an art.
Look at this angry white guy. He won't even make eye contact with me.
Hey, that nigga do look terrifying. Oh my god.

Truly one of the scariest.

Did you sign up by any chance? Oh god, it's a shame.

Oh, my God. I'd love to hear what the fuck is on your mind.

Look at the wheels turning over there.

There's got to be a lot of rape and child touching. You a weird guy.
He has glasses.

You're not a regular person, brother. He's wearing glasses, and he has another pair of glasses hanging out of his pocket.
Right? That's Christ. All scary.

And the pocket is button closed, but the glasses are. Can you even get those out of there? Do those.

oh okay very amazing it's a fake button it's a false button uh oh oh my god this guy's the key false button that's crazy that's kind of crazy unbelievable unbelievable what did you think pickles were buddy

I mean seriously please I need to know

I thought I thought they just grew in water bro I didn't know who said what fuck you goddamn goddamn that's real shit I thought they grew I didn't know you thought they were Sounds you don't know shit.

God damn it. You thought they were sea cucumbers.
Yes.

Don't flex on me. What's wrong with that?

What's wrong with that? Oh my God.

I didn't know, but I know now. So it's all good.
Calm the fuck down. Everything's fine.
Did you find out anything else in the rabbit hole? Raisins? Anything else? Was there anything else?

Nah, that was it. That was, I was, I was like, raisins and cucumbers, good to know.
You're not ready for prunes, dog.

Uh-oh. Oh, shit.
Look at that face. Uh-oh.

I know what a prune is. What is that?

It's a dried-up plum, right? Hey.

Whoa.

Oh, my God.

Wow. Holy.
I'm a fucking genius. Wow.

I did not know that. Smart as fuck, man.

I'm smart as fuck. I wasn't indicting you.
I'm a genius. I was just delighted by everything you've done so far.

I thought I was going to pass out and shit my pants.

How about a beat? What's a beat? A beat? Oh, that shit grow out of the ground, right? Oh, good job. Okay, I tried to trick you there.
I know shit. Okay.

And

it'd be staying in your hands and shit. But it's red.
That's right. That's right.
Yo, yo, yo, yo. Yo, yo.
Fuck, niggas.

Cam, you are so fucking entertaining. It is unbelievable.
What a star.

What a fucking superstar. Make some good.
How loud can this place get for Cam Patterson?

God damn it.

What an episode so far. All big joke books, all thunder and lightning.

All the strongest regulars. When will momentum stop? Ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket we go.
60 seconds uninterrupted in a momentous episode for Eric McLaughlin. Eric McLaughlin.

Wow. Hello, everybody.
This is my first time at Comedy Mothership.

This is a great day. Oh, my God.
I'm here.

It was already pretty good. Last night I had a dream that I had sex with my high school crush.

Yeah, it was pretty good. It was a little weird when I realized I only really knew her when she was 15 years old.

So I was like, I hope it was like a 30-year-old version of me and a 30-year-old version of her,

or maybe a 15-year-old version of me, and a 15-year-old version of her.

But I'm pretty sure

that I am 30 and she was 15.

So

I don't know what to do with that information.

I guess I just won't go to sleep again.

Anyway, I'm not going to make the minute. That's all.
That's all I had. Thank you.

All right. Well, there we go.
I am grateful he bombed.

We needed someone to cool this thing off.

You didn't bomb. You did fine, you know, but

we needed... We needed to fucking pump the brakes a little bit.
Yeah, it made sense.

They were getting spoiled out there, you know?

They were like, no one's gonna miss tonight. Well,

you put an end to that rumor. So, yeah.

Even championship teams have to punt the ball every once in a while. You don't score on every drive.
You are that guy. Yes.
So let's talk about Eric.

First time at the mothership, first time on the show. How long have you been trying stand-up? I've been doing this for two months.
I am very new.

Very, very new. You live here in Austin, Texas? I do.
I am a local. Yes.
Are you born and raised here?

No. I was born in California, but I've lived here for like 17 years.
17 years? Wow. How old are you? I'm 30.
30. What made you move here 17 years ago?

Parents, depression, or recession, or whatever they call it. Your parents moved here.
That's right. That's the answer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Depression and recession. I don't know what the fuck that has to do with anything.

Well, it's 2008 is why. So they were like, we got to get out of California for jobs.
It's always good when you tell a story and people have to do math. That's good.
Yes, 2008.

Yeah. So where do they move to?

We live

here, Austin. It's where I've been.
They're still living here and I still live. Where?

By the airport. Okay.
Yeah, yeah. Southeast Burlson.
You want to take this opportunity to dox your parents' address?

Do you still live with them? I don't. I live near them.
I live like a block away from them. Why do you live a block away from your parents?

Well, I lived with them when I got out of college and they were like, I got a job somewhere and I was making good money. They should buy a house next to us.
And I was like, okay.

So I just bought a house in the area because there were homes.

Now we're like, okay.

If you guys want to grab a drink or go to the bathroom,

literally so many people are like, oh, I've got to dip this.

Oh, my God. Look at this storm.
I've never seen anything like it before.

All right. Oh, my goodness.
There go the

hot chicks are leaving. Jesus Christ.
What is happening? Time for a ketamine break, I guess.

One of those girls was in a wheelchair and she walked. Yeah.

This is unbelievable. Darren Jones is building a lumber fence around himself somewhere right now.

Eric, this is incredible.

You've literally emptied half the room.

Okay, so let's talk about it, Eric.

Everyone is turned off by you.

Hey, for two months, for two months? Fine joke.

Got nervous. Did a fine 30 seconds, You know, I'm not, it was, you know, this is very hard.
Stand-up's very hard. It's hard.
It is. It's very hard.
It is.

What do you do for a living, Eric? I sell mortgages. Okay.
You sell mortgages. Are you good at it?

Well, he's already got a catchphrase. That's good.

I'm like 8% good, 8.5.

No, I'm okay.

Jesus. I do it.
What do you do do for fun, Eric?

I golf.

I mean, what a classic thing on a white finance.

If you guys need to go take five, you know.

Anything other than golf?

I play video games. I mean...

What's your love life like, Eric? Love life is very boring. It's not going well.
You going on dates? I do not go on dates. When's the last time that you attempted a date with a

are you are you into women? Yeah, I'm into women. I'm right.
Yeah, I'm into women. Yeah.

No doubt about it. No doubt about it since the birth of the newspaper.
I've been in. Is that really how I sound? Oh, wow.
Yeah.

Is that how I sound? Huh? Mortgage rates. 7.5, 8.5? What are you into? What do you want? You sound like a cartoon that's going to fight the Kaiser.
That's how you sound.

I sell houses, but you have to live within one block of where my parents live.

We have some great units available in baggage claim.

You could take a locomotive to your new house.

Buy a war bond while you're at it, see?

Plant a victory garden. Why not? Big upcoming election.
I'm voting for Lyndon B. Johnson.

I'm with Cal.

Let's talk about these dates. When's the last time you attempt, are you on any of the apps? Are you trying? You seem like a good-looking guy until you talk wow

that was okay that made me feel kind of good i didn't know that about myself see i always thought i was uh incredibly attractive hey beep beep get out of my way

i'm coming through here i'm i gotta drive to the mothership for my first time i need i need more petrol for my model a

traffic has really been crazy since the invention of the automobile

they shouldn't have let the chinese drive look at this guy.

This guy has gout and he's walking out.

I mean.

You have confidence, you know, you carry yourself in a way where it sounds like you might say something funny.

I don't know. I hope I do.
I'm just trying. I don't know.
This is my first time in front of more than like 20 people, so this is pretty insane.

But, yeah. Absolutely.
Okay. But yes, to answer your question, I am on apps.
I do look for love.

What does your bio say? Let's try to help you out.

Well, shit, I don't have my phone. Probably something like.

You know what it says.

I know what it's about to say, as seen on Kill Tony.

Oh, no.

The big bump.

God, look at the people storming back in. And there goes another one.
We are breaking even for people.

One, one out.

They're just tag teaming.

People are starting a cocaine habit in real time.

These stylings of Eric McLaughlin.

It's weird. Laugh is in the middle of your last name.
Eric McLaughlin. I know.
Pretty tacky. Pretty hacky.
Crazy. No, it's there.
Is that your real last name? That's my real last name, Irish.

But I'm actually Brazilian, which is interesting. Now we're talking.
Okay, there we go.

How are you Brazilian? My mom is Brazilian. I am Brazilian.
I have a passport there and everything. And I go to Brazil.
I speak Portuguese. You should get a huge ass installed.

Yeah.

That'd be cool.

Comics need a hook in this day and age. Yeah.
If you've got a huge ass and you're just fucking rocking it around in those shorts. Yeah, no hook just to bump.
I don't have an ass.

Red Ban, come on. You stepped on the one funny thing he almost said.

Red Ban is the master at that. Oh, my God.

Can you speak? I want to hear your

do a do a joke in Portuguese.

Oh

come on. You're really putting me on the spot here.

There's no way.

I couldn't do it. Are you port? Do you not speak Portuguese? Does anyone? That was me that said what?

No? Wait, wait.

Oh, no. Oh,

shit.

Oh shit!

Well, well, well, what goes around comes around, my friend.

Your house of lies is crumbling, Quincy!

You speak Portuguese for real?

Yeah.

Okay.

Quincy, what did he say when he said something into the mic? Put the mic up to Quincy's mouth. He literally said, I'm gonna tell you a joke in Portuguese, but he didn't say a joke.
Oh

shit.

Oh shit. Quincy,

you have front row tickets anytime you won from now on. This has been an amazing episode for you.

VIP,

super treat.

Do you live here in Austin, Quincy? Okay, perfect. Good.

I just realized that I gave away $6,000 worth of tickets at once. That's unacceptable behavior.
But it was worth the pop.

Okay. People heard Quincy talk and they're rushing back in the room.
Yeah, exactly. With dripping wet vaginas.

Okay.

So this

last date you went on, when do you think that was? Oh, probably a year ago.

Oh, my goodness. 1942, right before the start of the war.
Oh, my gosh.

I believe it was the guy Winston Churchill at the time. Maybe it's Denir.

It was a year ago. It was a year ago.

We went out to a bar. We got martinis.
It just didn't click. I was just like, yeah, I'm not feeling it.
Did you say it didn't click? Exactly how

did it go?

She was

just, we were just chatting along. I was chatting with her.
I don't know.

What do you say? You know what I want to do? Heidi. Is Heidi here? Can we get Heidi out here? Heidi.
Oh, wow. Look who it is.

Heidi, Heidi, I just want you to stand there, and I want you to look him dead in the eyes. I don't want you to break eye contact with them at all.

I want you to look dead at him, Heidi. Okay.
And I want you to talk to Heidi like you're on a date with Heidi.

Eric, you can. No, don't look at me, Eric.
You look at Heidi. Heidi, you look at him.
Eric, look at Heidi. I'm looking right at him.
No, stop breaking eye contact with each other.

Oh, yeah. Heidi, don't do that with your hair.
That's not fair. Don't do that.
Oh, no.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God.

Okay.

Hello. Hi.
Oh, hello.

Nice opener.

You're killing it.

I love this, Applebee's.

Is this your first time

at Applebee's or just ever on a date? Yes, both.

Yeah. Anytime you hear that horn, that means that you've

done not good. Got it.
Just so that you know. Okay.
What is it? At an Applebee's or at anywhere out to eat. Eva.
Eva.

I can see why it's not going great. So let's try it again.
Here we go. Take it from the top.
Okay. And action.
What are you thinking of ordering? Oh, straight to that. All right.
Weird move.

You just sat down. I mean, the man just.

I mean, my goodness. Oh, what are you thinking of ordering?

I usually let the man that I'm with order for me. I'm a lady.
Whoa.

Oh, shit. What are you getting us? The pressure is on.
What are you going to order?

I'm the waiter.

Hey, what can I get, you guys? I will get the barbecue shrimp, and I guess she will too, because she doesn't know what she wants. So I don't know.
Whoa,

man after my own heart. Yeah, I don't know.
They're cruising her. She's not going to eat it, I guess, at this point.
This went to domestic violence on the first question.

On what would you like to order? Why don't we, you guys want to start start with some drinks? Are you drinking shrimp juice, sir?

Jesus Christ. Welcome to Apple.
Let's try it again. Take it from the top.
All right. Hey, we got you our best table right here.
Tony, I'll be over for you in a second. You're in good hands tonight.

Okay. Perfect.
Perfect.

You look lovely this time. We just got this host.
We hired him straight from Rainforest Cafe.

He got fired today. We hired him at this Applebee's.
And then.

Oh, my God. It's a very nice.
And then I approach the table, pretend like I'm standing next to you, and welcome to Applebee's. What can I get for y'all?

Probably start with some drinks. Do you know what you want? Just a water with a lemon.
Some water? Okay. I'll have two shots of vodka.
That would be perfect.

I'll take two as well, actually. I'd like two as well.

All right.

Two shots of vodka and a water coming right up. You guys enjoy some conversation.
I'll be right back with those drinks. Okay.
Okay.

So, what do you do for a living? Um, I'm a waitress on Kill Tony. Awesome.
And I also manage a strip club. Oh,

yeah, which one? Yellow Rose in Austin, Texas. Okay.

Yeah, I've been to the Red.

That's a great club as well. It is.
Yes. Lots of pretty girls.

Everywhere. I work with 12s all the time.
12s.

Yeah.

Honestly, I think you're doing great. I appreciate it.
Thank God that my first minute was over. But that was horrible.
It was bad.

Hey, Tony, I just started working here, but you might want to bail out table eight.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't change the fucking lighting.
I'm obsessed with this. This might go on for the next 45 minutes.

Hold on.

Keep the conversation going. It's unbelievable.
You're waiting for your drinks. I'm out there making a water with lemon and two shots of vodka.

Classic Applebee's order. Sam,

Sam is filling up the ice bucket for me. I needed more ice.

Yeah, so how long have you lived in Austin? I've been here about three years now. Okay, perfect.
Yeah, and do you like it here? I love it. There's a lot of fun things to do.

A lot of transplants, unfortunately, from California, but.

What can you do, you know? Those Californians, they just

keep coming here. They're just flooding.
They say one recession, one recession, and they just can't handle anything. So I'm right here.
Fuck those guys. Yeah, I'm a local.
I don't.

Oh, fuck them.

Good. Thank God.
Thank God. I'm so sick of going on these dates with these Californian men.
Totally. Yeah.
Yeah.

Eric, you're being out alpha by your date. You might want to

control some of the conversation here.

So

you go to the gym at all?

I do. I love it.
I basically live there. Yeah.

It's one block away from my parents' house.

Sounds convenient.

Don't see a problem with that. So where were you born?

I'm from California. Oh, God.

Waiter, waiter, waiter. Oh, my goodness.
Let's go, Heidi. Let's go get the fuck out of here.

I'd love to.

There you go. Your date just went.

Bang the waiter. Great job.

Holy shit. Oh, my God, Eric.

Sam, where do we even begin with this post-game analysis of this date? I've never seen a guy come in his pants on a fake date.

He's like,

I'm gonna order the shrimp and I'm gonna just tube.

Oh boy,

I'll have the scallops

two shilts of blood, good water.

I see you have both breasts.

That's

that's convenient.

One for me, one for you.

I hope both my vodkas get here soon.

Holy shit, Eric.

He did a good job, dude. Yeah.
That was good. No, it's amazing.
I appreciate that.

Appreciate that. Redemption song.
Yeah.

It is incredible. You know what?

Eric,

two months in.

You know?

Feeling in the giving mood tonight. And

even though the set was

obviously two months and just barely okay,

I absolutely loved your commitment to this interview, which has lasted 18 minutes.

There's a funny guy in there somewhere, just like the guy from Denver.

I don't remember his name either. It was

Mike Hammack. Mike Hammack, yes.
Mike Hammock.

Family Annihilator Mike Hammock. Yes.
He's been doing it 12 years. Sam watched him get better.
I think there's some potential in there.

People might look back on this one day years from now and be like, holy shit, that was the start of Eric McLaughlin. Here's a big joke book.
Go fill it up.

Ooh, he didn't catch it right off the front of the hand. Not a good sign, folks.

That's how it starts, Eric. Congratulations, dude.
I really appreciate it. I love the show.
And thank you, everybody. Thank you, guys.
Awesome. There he goes.
Eric McLaughlin, ladies and gentlemen.

God damn. We're having some fun here tonight.

So much fun. It's unbelievable.
It's unbelievable.

Ah,

I'm ashamed he lasted 18 minutes with me, honestly. What, what?

I said, I'm ashamed he lasted 18 minutes with me. I could have done so much better.
It's amazing. It was fantastic.

The

hot, hilarious, smart Heidi. One more time for Heidi playing along.

Great fucking sport.

Hey, Table 8 didn't pay their check.

He dined and ditched, and there's a weird white sticky substance on his seat. Did you bring him clam chowder? I don't remember you bringing him clam chowder.
It's weird. It's also mixed with tears.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool. Uh,

ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Shelly Peebles, everybody. Shelly Peebles.

Wow,

I can't see shit.

which is good because like, y'all, this is a lot of people. I'm Shelly Peebles.

I don't usually say my last name because people always get it fucking wrong. Or they say pebbles or pee balls.
I got made fun of a lot as a kid.

I'm actually a dental hygienist. You know, I'm just starting out doing comedy, but I really love it.

I also smoke a lot of weed.

which I realize is an oxymoron. I've been an oxymoron all my life.
It's fine. I'm used to it.
My parents were hippies.

I grew up in Austin. My parents were hippies, but they didn't smoke weed.
And I grew up in Texas. So, you know, think about that for a minute.
How does a white woman in Texas smoke a lot of weed?

Well, I became a cannabis sommelier because I liked weed so much. So I just decided to take a deep dive into that.

I also just discovered I have ADHD. I'm like the poster child for Gen X women in Texas.
Yeah,

I know.

Menopause, hormones, all that bullshit. Yeah.

I just started taking testosterone. I was told that if you...

Okay,

the bear has spoken.

Welcome to another episode of Kill Therapy.

This is

incredible. We learned so much about you.

Dental hygienist, hippie, ADHD, menopause, on testosterone. Not a single joke.

You literally did the interview part of the show

first,

which leaves us in a weird position here. Damn.

It is incredible. Did you come here straight from work?

I did, actually. Yo, I believe it.
You are dressed like a dental hygienist right now. If you didn't say you were a dental hygienist, I would say that you look like a dental hygienist.

it is are you asking if that's black

plaque black oh yeah what what do you mean

i wear plaque oh no that's sometimes there's a that's like uh there's a

a uh a label on the inside of your shirt that inside lapel do you think Quincy's plaque

Someone had to say something funny, you know? Yeah.

It is

incredible. It's more like hot chocolate.

What happened here tonight, Shelly? So how long have you been trying stand-up comedy?

Off and on for like six months. Off and on for six months.
How often do you try?

As often as I can, but I also have a full-time job and two kids. Okay.
Two kids. One and three.
You live in Colorado?

I bet your kids are in their teens. They are.
Yes. Yes.
That's good. Because I'm in Menopause.

Right. We'll go with that.
Yes.

That is. I assume you started early because you have the lion of Judah tattooed on your arm.

Which one? That one. The Lion of Judah.
On your arm. My daughter drew that.
Your daughter drew it. Well, she's gifted.

Wow.

At least someone in the family's got talent. Now,

let's.

I don't want to be nasty. I'm sorry.
Stand-up's hard. It is.
It is really hard, especially when you're going through menopause,

which you've mentioned multiple times so far. It's basically your getter done.

If a joke doesn't work, I'm going to start trying that. If a joke ever fails for me, if I ever try one, it just goes, I'm going through menopause.

But the crazy thing is that'll work for me. That'll actually get a laugh.
It might. It might.
But it won't free you. Damn.

So let's talk about it, Shelly. You are in the Eye of the Storm, a show that's famous for being a big boom and burst and help for people that do good.
And it's rough on people that have a rough set.

And you're in it right now. How does that make you feel? You seem like you have a lot of emotions.
You seem like you're medicated. Are you on a lot of medicine?

no I wish I was you just smoke pot I smoke a lot of pot and whatever nitrous you can get out of the tank right

actually I had a dentist that did that oh yeah yeah

yeah

can you get us pills

no it's nice meeting you

what do you do for your ADHD well I actually just started taking Adderall there you go so you are on some medicine after all

I just today I took my first dose Really? Yeah. Okay.
Do you have them on you?

No.

Two for 10? Hey, I have two shots of vodka and a water.

Okay. Whoa, that date went through menopause at the table.

So, Shelly, let's talk about it.

You mentioned menopause more than anything else. How long have you been going through that for? What's that like? 10 years.

Oh. 10 years.

Wow. Knock it off.

It started early.

Oh, Jesus Christ almighty.

Oh, my goodness. This is why I smoke a lot of weed.
Yeah. And I have an ex-husband, so.
Okay. You guys get along? No.
No. Why not? What's he like? Because he's a dick.
Yeah. Yeah.

How is he a dick?

Well, he's very abusive. Oh, Jesus Christ.
Boy. Let's mine this vein, Tony.
Yeah.

Okay.

Changing direction.

Who's ready to laugh? Yeah.

Interview.

Jesus.

What ethnicity?

What ethnicity is your ex-husband? He's white. Oh, okay.
Yeah. There you go.

There you go.

Okay. There you go.
All right. You learned something.
Quite like a... All right.

Quincy's looking at me like, don't do it, dude. Stop.

Stop it. The door's open.
What? The door's open. The door is open.
I'm not on the apps, but. You're not on the apps.
When's the last time you've been on a date? Oh,

it's been a while. Okay.
Last week. Is Eric still here? Do we have Eric or?

Eric probably hung himself. Yeah, Eric's.

Eric's long gone. We should have taken his shoelaces before he left the stage.

Very good. Red Band.
It's a Red Band-heavy episode.

I love it.

In the zone tonight.

So amazing. This interview is like pulling teeth.
If I only had a dental hygienist to help me. Would you like me to pull some teeth, Fiers? No, and neither would I ever want to fill your cavity.

So tell us, Shelly, what do you think's funny about you? Like, what are some moments in life where you've been funny?

Like, and you're like,

I should do stand-up.

It's just a long road of different journeys. And it's led me to here.
I love it. No, this is exciting.
It is

an extremely hard thing to do.

I'm trying to

figure out here.

I used to sing in the choir at church. You did?

Okay. Why don't we try that? No.

Was that the stone cold music?

Oh, my goodness.

Stone cold, but enough about her vagina.

I thought that menopause made you very warm and wet. Well, no, it's actually quite the opposite.
Oh, my goodness.

What's drier, your pussy or your sense of humor?

That's a toss-up.

It's a toss-up. That's funny.
See, that's funny, Shelly. There you go.
She said she sang in choir. Okay, so let's, so why don't we try this? You know, you have more experience, obviously, a choir.

A one, a two, a one, two, three, four. Yeah, sorry, no.

Shelly, you're gonna sing here tonight. Oh, God.

You didn't want to do.

You didn't get any jokes, and we're gonna at least try to hit a note here tonight. I can't even think of a song to sing right now.
Deez, you know

black shit.

What's a church song? I don't even. Amazing Grace.
It wasn't a gospel choir, was it?

No. Oh, never mind.

It was like church music, but like pop.

Okay, how about a poppy version of Amazing Grace? And here

we

go.

Where's my music? One, two,

three, four.

I don't know if that's Amazing Grace music. This is like about to be like in a Dell moment right now.

How sweet the sounds.

Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, my God.
Jesus Christ. My God, you made my pussy go dry.

And I have a famously wet pussy.

Unbelievable. She looks like she's allergic to microphones.
It is incredible.

What do you sing it like karaoke? What do you...

Nothing. Oh, hit me with your best shot.
Okay, that's my that's my

hit me with your best shot. Oh my okay, stop, stop, stop.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Oh, my gosh.

The windows are breaking on 6th Street right now. This is incredible.
Quincy, can you save her?

Is this why your husband hit you?

Red band,

what is wrong with you?

Is it why your husband hit you?

This fucking bitch sings like shit

She's laughing people.

I can can already feel the heat from this one.

She's laughing, you fucking. It's called a hot flash, okay, motherfuckers.
I love it. I love it.
There's a little fire in there, Shelly Peebles. Well, I am an Aries.
Uh-oh, look out. Look out.

Wait, you're into astrology?

No way.

Who saw that one coming?

Your whole set was crap across. That's about where my knowledge is.

Oh, my goodness.

Shelly, we tried, we tried. Look, this isn't easy.
You're six months in. Yeah.

You're already funnier than Amy Schumer.

You're leaving here with a little joke, but can you catch?

Very good. There we go.

Shelly Peebles, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes.
We're gonna keep it moving along.

You guys still having fun out there?

We're doing it. Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see tonight, anything can happen.
Make some noise for your next comedian,

Eddie Lursa. Eddie Lursa is next on Kill Tony.

I dated this girl who didn't believe in dinosaurs once because they're not in the Bible.

But neither is Planet Mercury. And it was still the reason she was acting like a bitch all the time, apparently.

And I grew up a Christian. I'm not a Christian anymore, but this was my first time being exposed to one of these religiously special needs types.

I didn't realize Christianity was a part of the spectrum.

I thought I was an atheist. Now it turns out I'm just not retarded.

No, shouldn't call Christian people retarded

because retarded people love dinosaurs, dude.

I got two buddies with autism that identify as triceratops right now.

And the point of this is: if you're dating one of these religiously handicapped people, they're probably not going to let you fuck them if you have a dinosaur kink while you watch Jurassic Park.

But she did restore my faith in one aspect.

What was it? When did she restore your faith? I do believe in the burning bush again because that bitch gave me chlamydia, dog. Oh, shit.

All right.

Thank you. Eddie Lursa.

And we're back, people. Yeah, just like that.
Yes.

It is amazing.

So welcome, Eddie. Thank you.
Is this your first time on the show? Second time. I got pulled in a turbo round one time.
Okay. So it was quick.

That was that crazy episode where we found Aaron Belial at the end? No, it was the last pop-up episode

before, I think it was before you went to L.A. for the form.

With the regulars. Yeah, yeah, it was the regulars episode.
Perfect. How did that go? Was that good too? Yeah, it was fun.
Awesome. Awesome.
So So welcome back.

Tell us more about you that we didn't learn the last time you were on the show. The last time we talked about me growing up in a group home for a minute, my mom's a professional jazz and blues singer.

Oh, yeah.

I've been out here for almost a year, a year and two weeks.

It'll be a year in two weeks. Yeah.
So it's been a year. It's been a year.
It's been a year. It'll be a year in three weeks, a week after that.

Eddie, I love it out here. Austin's great.
What do you love about Austin?

I mean, I love the comedy scene for sure. I don't do a whole lot else anymore with my time right now.

People, I work in a bar down the street and they always ask me what there is to do. I'm like,

I can tell you where all the clubs are.

I don't drink anymore. I've been sober for a year and a half now.

You have sober face. Yeah.

You look like you're fucking clinging to the trees of a forest fire in your mind.

Like anything could send you back into that well whiskey, man.

No, no, tequila. The well tequila.
Okay, mine was funny, but we can.

Do you climb rocks?

No, no. I used to, I mean, I used to do, I've moved all over the country.
I used to snowboard, and I've lived in Keystone, Colorado for a couple years.

I was in California for a year, Florida, North Carolina. I moved here from Florida.
You were trying to run away from that group home, huh?

Normally, I would just burn my life down and be like, all right, we're done here now. We'll we'll go somewhere else.

Okay. What do you do for work? Oh, yeah.
You were at a bar down the street. Yeah, we're at a bar down there.

More crazy stuff when I'm just out here. Did you say on Rainy Street? Yeah, right.
What's your thoughts about the Rainy Street Ripper? I don't know if I believe in him, to be honest.

So you're with the police on this one. I'm just.
Do you think it's just a wild array of accidents?

Yeah, maybe some suicides. I'm not really.
I don't know. He's been doing it a long time.
I feel like it's

faced out.

I'm on Rainy Street a lot.

And you're just a drifter who wandered into town and then murder started happening? Yeah, yeah. I was like, there's a lot of gay guys here.
Let me take care of them. Yeah.

You don't need booze when you have blood. Yeah.

There was a serial killer in San Diego that killed homeless people when I lived out there. That was something I thought could be brought here.

True hero.

What a cool

smile. That makes it better.

Okay. How do you, yeah?

So, what else should we know about you? There must be something else interesting that we didn't find out last time you were on this show.

I mean, I was a vicious drug addict and alcoholic for 16 years.

Vicious. Vicious.
I don't.

Once I get drunk, I don't care what the drug is. Just set it down and let me have it.
He said he lived in Key Bump, Colorado for a while oh yeah

it was it was key bumps too I got I got sick one time from doing cocaine in Colorado kind of sick like a real chest thing I couldn't move for days my dad was like you'll be fine I was like okay I think I'm dying right now but otherwise the only cure is murdering a homosexual

Yeah, that's why that's why I had to come here. I had to get over it.
So a lot of guys,

when they get sober from that type of wildlife, their addiction turns into something else. Are you like a sex addict or something like that? No, I actually haven't.
This is the longest dry spell ever.

I haven't had sex or been on a date in a year now. You ever

hung out with a sand pussy dental hygienist before?

That sounds like a slur.

These fucking sand pussies out there.

I was in Afghanistan, killed about 35 sand pussies.

I just have horrible taste in women, so I think part of me is like, maybe I'll just leave them like the,

it's a fun story. My last serious girlfriend broke my face in six places with her new boyfriend.
Wow. And stalked me for two years afterwards.
Her boyfriend was the one who stalked me the most.

I never really understood that. It didn't make much sense.
That is a fun story.

Yeah. So how did that happen? Did he jump you?

And why did you say that she broke your face in six places well because it was her foot was the last one i saw hit my head shit yeah she was she was like you can't tell people that we jumped you it was only four of us i was like i think that's is it five for her jumping like i don't know it felt like i saw eight feet i saw eight feet

but yeah she uh She was a drug addict, a former drug addict. And then we were together for a year.

She started dating this other guy who uh after we broke up who was feeding her drugs and me and him just didn't see eye to eye and one night he uh

quite the crew of people uh that we get up here yeah and then i was staying away from him they got me fired from my job and then i got drunk enough to be mad and i met went and met him in a dark parking lot at like two in the morning.

It was a horrible dark, like Quincy dark or

I wish wish I had a Quincy cam so that you guys could see the looks I'm getting over here. On that one, he was looking at the comedian, then looked at me like

it's unbelievable.

I love it.

Why'd you meet him in a dark parking lot? It was like three in the morning, there were no streetlights.

I just remember seeing four people get out of the car, and I was like, oh no, I've made a terrible mistake. Yeah, that's how de-madness feels all the time.

The world is a dark

dark part.

Down, down, down, down, down, down.

All right. So then you saw these people get out with your drugged-up ex and you're like, let's hear him out.

I mean, I was like, well, there's no turning back now.

And yeah, then they, he hit me good. I'll give it to the.
He hit me good. And then as soon as I could get up, I ran away.
Would you say he hit you with his best shot?

He hit your amazing face. Yeah, if I touch right here, I I can still feel it in my tooth.
Was it a broken orbital bone?

It was like multiple face fractures here and here. My nose was turned this way.
Deviated septo.

You can fuck your eye up a little, I see.

I didn't think so, but.

Red band.

Red band.

New insecurity activated.

You're used to men kicking you while you're down. Yeah.

No.

I I used to get drunk and just, I'd black out.

When I was living in Colorado, I'd black out and I'd wake up with new bruises and I'd have to hit up my friends and be like, did I get in a fight last night?

They'd be like, oh yeah, you got your ass kicked again. I was like, all right, cool.
Amazing. You got a big joke book last time you read the show? Great.
Then this is for Quincy. There you go.

There he goes. Eddie Lursa, ladies and gentlemen.
There he goes. And it's that time.
I mean, you were here for an absolute bonkers episode of Kill Tony.

And on a night like this, on an episode like this, I think there's only one way to put a ribbon on it. Oh, really?

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the reigning record holder: all-time appearances, all-time interviews,

the Baron of Band-Aids,

the Sultan of Salt,

the Ginger of Geometry,

the Connoisseur of Carnosaurs,

Of carnivores.

The

king of Kentucky. The strangler of Memphis.
This is the vanilla gorilla. The big red machine.
William Montgomery.

Man, y'all know I love geometry.

Okay.

Donald Trump claims that Haitian immigrants are devouring people's pets. And honestly, I feel like he got the wrong immigrants.

I mean, if we got Hans Kim,

if we asked Hans Kim if he knew anybody physically on domesticated animals, he would know. Okay, I kind of messed that one up.
Please help me, Sim.

But seriously, if a Haitian immigrant wants to sacrifice a small animal, that's their religious freedom. Nobody is stopping you from murdering your unborn child, Red Band.

But I do feel like we should step up border security and mandate that any Haitian immigrant attempting to cross into the U.S. should be forced to practice voodoo.

Because if they show up and they're saying, oh, Catholicism, hell no, what are you bringing to the table? You better be mixing up potions, stirring up bodies, directing zombies.

That'd be like joining the CIA. And then first day on the job, you're like, first of all, I refuse to actively participate in any conspiracy to assassinate the president.

It's like, dog, what are you doing? Do you know what this job is?

Okay.

I got through it all kind of, Tony. It was beautiful, William.
Oh, I got the red band. I got the dig on red band recently, having an abortion.
I was able to get that in there.

This is breaking. Is that why you shaved? Is that like you look like kind of a baby right now because you killed the baby inside of your woman?

I love that you think that a 50-year-old guy could have babies

drinking and smoking and doing everything I do right now? That's nice of you. That's a compliment.
Oh, yeah, I forgot the men carry the babies. I forgot about that.
You fucking idiot.

What the hell are you talking about?

That literally made no sense, dumbass.

I didn't even want to talk to your fucking ass tonight. What do you think? I think men carry the children? Is that what you're doing?

Red Man, you were having literally the best episode of your life up until that point.

Literally, Redman was the breakout star of this episode. And then he claimed that he can't have babies like he's a dental hygienist.

The old sand pussy over here.

Oh my goodness.

What a time to be alive. And Sam, I have a question for you.
What did you get recently in Android? Because I've been texting you and the messages used to be

blue and now they're green.

What a nasty thing to say.

What a wicked accusation. I'm excited.
You don't respond anymore. You called me this morning at 9 a.m.
like a true psychopath.

Because you were up all night waiting for the birds to come back or whatever the fuck you do. I needed you.
I'm waiting for Wednesday, new season of survivor. I cannot wait.

I'm staying up until the new season of survivors, Sam. Yeah.
That's what I do every year.

So, yeah, I was up and called you at 9 a.m. and somebody didn't respond.
What were you doing? Sleeping? I responded. Yeah, I was.
Because I had a big night. Cool.
Okay. I was finished homeland.

Help, Tony. Philly boy Mick Gumballs is back yet again.
William, what's been going on this week with your life? Doth was in Raleigh, North Carolina.

And thank God, Tony, I was able to do some of the yelling down in Raleigh because I was so genuinely afraid because my blood, my throat was bleeding after Mall of America.

So I was very worried about Raleigh last week. Was it really?

Yeah, I literally, I got so self-conscious, Tony, because I see myself, I'm watching people in the audience, and I'm also seeing all the spit constantly flying out of my mouth, and I got real self-conscious that it was actually blood flying out of my mouth, hitting the people.

I don't think it was blood, but yes, I was tasting a bunch of blood in my mouth. Do you...

I'm not kidding. It really kind of scared me a little bit.

Do you use like chewing tobacco or vapes or something? What do you do?

No, I mean, I'm still doing Zen. I'm still doing that.
You do a lot of it? Yeah, one's in my mouth right now. Yeah.

Normally, it's not, but Tony, I'm on edge. He wasn't fucking.
What milligrams are you on? This is six. I used to have two sixes in my mouth at all times.
And then

the Florida Gators lost last year to Florida State, and I wasn't feeling good. And I went and finally looked at my gums in the mirror, and it was kind of a, it looked like a war zone a little bit.

So I got it down to six milligrams, a single six milligram. Wow.
So, yeah, things are looking up

my zipper is open ma'am you have your thing up i can see your pussy whoa literally damn did you tell your bitch to do that on purpose sir that was so weird wow

that's a true sam talent fan right now with the same talent shirt she's got the sam talent shirt and the zipper down that's a

party i'm sorry i missed your call william i was asleep and then i texted you when i woke up okay i know you did thank you yeah isn't that that a nice thing for a friend to do? Yeah, thanks. Yeah.

Maybe I'll call you tomorrow. I would like that.
Okay. Let's not do it before the sun rises, stupid.
Okay.

Thank you. I like how you really, uh, really took away from the moment about your biggest fan having your zipper down.
Uh, oh, she's lovely. She's in my DMs all the time.
So this is.

I'm interested to know how many people are going to have their zipper down in

fucking what part of Kenneth. You know, let's just ride off Bridgeport.

I'm hoping we can cancel the shows. So,

you know, come to San Diego or Tampa.

SamTalent.com.

With two L's. Yeah.

Give me a follow. I love it.
No, it's true. Please do.
And subscribe to the show. We don't say that enough.
We've been told by people.

How's your family, William?

Going good. They're very...

They're doing good. Good.

Yeah,

there was a little cancer scare, though, with my mother, so thank God she. She was so ugly cancer was scared of her.

I wish that was the case. No, a lump on her liver.

How seldom do I? Luckily, she doesn't have cancer. Well, you were nasty to me, so I'm firing back.
I'm sorry about your. I wasn't that nasty to you.

It was very personal. Okay.
I shouldn't have brought it up. I'm trying to be a better friend to people.
I'm sorry.

Sorry, your mom's lousy with cancer.

It's probably your fault if you think about it.

Is this true, William? Yeah.

It's my fault. It's all my fault.
She got fucking liver cancer, and now I'm going to have to deal with that for the rest. You agree, Red Dan? No, I don't.

Last time I checked, it seemed completely fine.

Ooh.

You checked her for cancer? No, I checked her liver.

Dude, shut up, dumbass. Don't come at me like that.
Don't come at me like that. I get it.
You're actually kind of funny tonight. It doesn't normally be.
It really is. I don't know.

What is going on? Are you have vitamins in your vape pen or something? What's going on tonight?

Are you on alpha brain? Did you put a little alpha brain in your morning ice cream today?

Your morning ice cream.

At morning ice cream.

We ran out of milk for the coffee. It is incredible.
William, look at this guy.

William Juan.

Look at this guy right here with the face.

He looks weird. He looks kind of strange.

What nationality are you, sir? Are you Native American or what is your nationality?

Mixed white.

Different types of white. We just used to call that white when I was a child.

Mixed white.

Different types of white. He's from Connecticut.
Oh my God, you can't make it up, folks. Imagine a whole audience filled with people that look like that with their zippers down in

Bridgeport, Connecticut. Guaranteed, even the Thursday will sell out after this.
I believe in miracles. Yes.

There's not a person that lives within 45 minutes of Bridgeport that's going to be able to miss that show. Well, yeah, but they're probably nodding off on drugs.

William, you're doing quite well on the road. Everywhere I go, people say we had William.
He was great. He was a joy to work with.
Yeah, it's been fun. Thank God people have been generally laughing.

It would be bad. I'd probably have to stop doing it if people stop laughing.
So we'll see right the second they're still laughing. So we'll see how long that can happen.

I give it maybe a couple years. I think I got probably another couple good years in me.
So we'll see. So come to see me because it's not going to be long until I really just stop doing it.

So, you're thinking about retiring? No, he's going to have to stop and take care of his mom.

Is this true? I'll take care of it. It's true.

Oh, my goodness. You're going to stop and take care of your mom? I might have to.
She's only getting older, and I'm only getting older, and it's like, I don't know, you got to go back.

You got to move back to Memphis. You got to help your mom.
You're thinking about within the next two years, retiring. Stopping.
You're going to stop. Yeah, it's really taking it out of me.

You're going to

be. I thought you were

never gonna stop. Never gonna stop.
Oh my god.

Oh

my

god.

I was about to have a cue card for the first time in the show's history. I was about to go,

you ain't never gonna stop.

But I didn't have to do it. One more time for the great and powerful William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.
He's done it again. Go see him on tour.

Squarespace, talk space, game time, shopaby, zip recruiter. how loud can this place get for one of my favorite chemistry mixes one of my favorite comedians sam talent

the drawing from ryan j ebelt is in it's literally cool as fuck oh my god yeah we're gonna have to get you a frame print of that that's one of the all-time fucking greats right there How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?

Grooveline horns. Follow the Kill Tony band on Instagram.
Michael Gonzalez, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Dee Madness, John Bees, Matt Muelling. A lot of fun stuff coming up.

A lot of fun announcements. A lot of big stuff happening in our little universe.

Redband, anything you want to say? Yeah, check out the SunsetStripATX.com. How about, hey, how about an extra big hand for a hot episode tonight? Brian Redman, everybody.

Unbelievable.

You would have thought he worked in the comedy business if this was the first episode you saw.

Sam, anything you want to say? Subscribe to my YouTube, and I'm so grateful to be part of the Kill Tony.

Thank you. Thank you.
We love you all. God bless America.
Thank you. Good night.

All right, y'all, gather around because Monet Exchange from Sibling Rivalry is here with an announcement. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini.

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