"Drink Juice and Spill Tea" (w/ Rachel Bloom)

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Hey everybody. It's me, Matt Rogers, letting you know tickets are on sale now to see me on tour.
The Prince of Christmas tour. That is I'm doing my whole album.
Have you heard of Christmas? Plus a lot more with the whole band all throughout December, go to www.mattrogersofficial.com to see me in a city near you. And now, Las Culturistas.
Drums. Look, Matt.
There. Oh, I see.
Wow. Bowen, look over there.
Wow. Is that culture? Yes.
Oh, my goodness. Wow.
Las Culturistas. Ding dong.
Las Culturistas calling. Tactile as ever, I think.
Yeah, I will say Matt kind of webbed hand. Feeling very connected to you today and as of late.
I'll always, but like- I'll always. The sisterhood is really strong.
The sisterhood is real. I mean, let's just set the tone.
Matt just got off a red eye. I'm kind of running on paltry sleep.
And not that this was labored for us, but it's our guests. We have to show up.
When family comes through, you show up for family. And I believe that's the Olive Garden slogan.
You show up for family. When family comes through.
That's rule of culture number 27. The Olive Garden slogan is, when family comes through, you show up for family.
I think that is so true. And let's just get right into it.
Because our guest is someone who figures very, very heavily into the lore. We talked about this a lot of times she was on.
I mentioned this in whatever, the most recent, big, long, extended interview where it was Michael Shulman, legend. And he was just talking about this time in my life when I was like, I think I want to go to med school, but I don't.
For the New Yorker. For the New Yorker.
And I was like, Rachel Bloom took me out to a gastropub outside of USC and told me, maybe you shouldn't do that. Maybe you should actually do comedy because it's what you love.
Maybe become the star you've always meant to be. And that's what she said that day.
She looked at you in the eyes and said and said you were meant to become the star Was this before or after we had our iconic Vapiano? This was before Vapiano. This was while we were still in school because we went to USC for fracket for the fracas improv festival And this was the Rachel kind of planted the seed crystal or you know, whatever the that's not an expression But can I say I'm an expression? I'm starting to hate and whoa we go this person is mother it's so dumb well we're like in that moment like it was true and also it's become true for her in real life it's become true for her in real life she is mother and her little daughter is writing song parodies apple don't fall far from the tree very that she has there's a song called spooky scary skeletons and now speak on that now this Speak on that.
Now this little girl, literally little girl, wrote a song parody called Poopy Little Skeletons. Poopy Scary Skeletons.
Her mother's daughter. Her mother's daughter.
You already blew as fuck. Her father's daughter, Dan Greger.
Don't forget the legend. I mean, what is there to say about our guest? She is truly...
Oh my God. Were you at Showtune Sunday on Fire in the Pines this summer when they were playing? Oh my

God, yes. Let's generalize

the Batman. Constantly gets

played. Everyone off book on Let's Generalize the Batman.

Yeah, no. Do you know that? No.
This is

really, I mean, it's a huge honor. And

honestly, you know what else was great about it?

I'm sitting there watching it,

and not for one second did I think like,

oh my God, there's our friend up there. I'm like, yo, that's just

an iconic video that should be up there. I was like, that's, and then like later I was like, that's Rachel.
That's Rachel. This is, that's an Emmy Golden Globe winning star of our hearts, an American treasure.
The best award though, is the TCA individual achievement in comedy. And I know that you know.
That's a really hard one to get. Ungendered.
They only give it to one person. It's ungendered.
They only give it to one person. They only give it to one person.
She has a fantastic special coming out on Netflix. Yes.
That's a really hard one to get. Ungendered.
They only give it to one person. It's ungendered, and they only give it to one person.
They only give it to one person. She has a fantastic special coming out on Netflix.
Yes. Death, let me do my special October 15th.
Please watch. Everyone, please welcome Rachel Bloom! In shades.
Okay, so I'm wearing sunglasses because I forgot there was an on-camera portion. We didn't tell you.
We didn't remind you. No, no, no.
So anyway, I am wearing very little makeup. At some point, I'll take the shades off, but I went, well, I want people to be impressed, right? Because you've had all these famous, fancy, like done up glam people on.
What does that make you? I just wanted to look like I just stepped out of a convertible and took a scarf off of my head. What's crazy is you were coming up the stairs and I was like, and I had my breath taken away.
So you coming up. Yeah.
Oh, what are you talking about? I don't ever lie. That makes me very, that makes me very, we have so much to get into because as you recall, we recorded it.
So last time I was on Les Culturistas was seven and a half years ago in the apartment of whoever. It was the sound engineer's apartment on Atlantic Avenue.
Another era. Another era.
Sure was. I got in there.
I was hungry. I made him feed me.
Yes. Oh, my God.
And which is why I brought my Starbucks egg bites this time. Kale and spinach.
So I wouldn't make anyone feed me. But I'm laughing because you just talked about the TCA award.
And's exactly what you talked about seven and a half years ago. Is it true? So at the time, I hadn't had the Emmy yet, but you were like, she has the Golden Globe and you're like, and the TCA award, which is actually my favorite.
And then you do like five to ten minutes on why the TCA is the best award in the same almost exact wording of now and you're still correct. Yeah, I know.
That's probably the one you look at on the shelf of awards and think. Actually, I was cleaning my shelf and it just dropped.
And it's made of pure glass. It didn't break, thank God.
But I was like, I need to move this award. This is going to be a problem.
Closer to the floor. Yeah.
Yeah. So Rachel comes in and goes, I have notes based on the last time, notes on the last time I was here on the show and I am gripped with fear.
No, no, no. It's all great.
It's all wonderful. Well, wait, first of all though, wait, sorry.
I have a lot. Talking about my daughter.
I feel like you'll appreciate this. Please.
I'll show you the video, but I feel like I should put it in the mic. So our nanny, who's a drag race fan, while I've been gone, is training my daughter on what's going to her workroom entrance catchphrase.
We have to know. It takes training, it do take training.
I got sent this video. Wait, do it in the mic so they can hear it.
Yeah, yeah, okay. Action.
I came here to drink juice and spill tea. But I already finished my juice honey.
I came here to drink juice and spill tea. But I already finished my juice, honey.
That's winner. Drink juice and spill tea is the title of it.
That's unreal. It's really good.
Unbelievable. Was she coached? Well, yeah.
Well, sorry, nanny. Sorry, nanny.
You're saying she didn't come up with that? Yes, no, she definitely did. She doesn't know what she's doing.
Was she coached? She's very clearly off. I'll show you after this.
Like, she's very clearly off care if someone's being like. Yeah.
Well, she do have nerve. It's.
But she hasn't watched Drag Race yet. Your daughter.
When I was breastfeeding, I watched nonstop Drag Race. Talk about this idea because I really, really think that if I were to have a child, I would be totally in on this.
Like you wanted Space Jam to be the first thing that she listened to as she entered this planet. Do you feel like osmotically this is the idea? Like you want to just like download into her all these different things? I think that they hear stuff in the womb.
There's evidence that babies you know they spend nine and a half, ten months hearing this especially the vibrations of their mother's voice and like just you know whoever they're around. And so it does they kind of come out knowing the voice is familiar to them.
But it's not like you're not doing that. And maybe you are, but is it like the, it's the Mozart thing.
It's like, oh, play classical music. There was definitely was a little bit of, as I was breastfeeding her watching nonstop drag race.
Also it was lockdown. Yeah.
So I had nothing else going on and I was a little sad because it was a very intense time. So I watched, I binged all of the drag races that I hadn't watched before.
There's a lot of them. Pretty joyful.
I've tried to rewatch it with her. Anything that isn't cartoons, she gets bored by.
Totally. What's she into? Cocoa Melon? What's she like? We're a Cocoa Melon free household.
I won't let her watch it. Thank God.
No, is it because, and was it a part of the life at one point and then you were like, this has to stop? I just heard you have to stop the Cocoa Melon. So she gets to watch that when at my writing partner Aline she gets to watch Coco Melon when she's at Auntie Aline's but in our house we have a zero Coco Melon tolerance.
I mean her favorite show right now is Gabby's Dollhouse. Gabby's Dollhouse is a huge hit.
Have you watched it? Do you know this from the girls? The girls my nieces love Gabby's Dollhouse. Okay okay.
Who's Gabby? What's her deal? Is it a high concept? Gabby's a girl. It kind of is.
Gabby's a girl, but really she's probably 18 by now, the woman who plays her. She's a girl who sits alone in her bedroom and has a cat named Floyd, and there's a big dollhouse.
Again, this is an almost grown woman, but she has a dollhouse. And every episode, she'll be like, it's Floyd's birthday.
Every episode, there's a ramp in her room where a gift comes down on... Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The gifts come out of the ramp.
So there's a little ramp. The gifts come down on wheels.
And then she goes, it's a dollhouse surprise. So it's also also an unboxing video because then she opens it and it's a little teeny thing she goes oh my gosh this must it's a backpack we're going camping in the dollhouse yeah and then she goes it's time to get tiny and then she grabs a stuffed animal she goes a pinch on my left pinch pinch on my right grab pandy's hand and hold on tight and then she shrinks down into the dollhouse and suddenly it's an animated show so it's supernatural i thought you meant the show supernatural that was on the cw no i never mean that i almost never mean it's supernatural there's this amazing reddit group called what that was my siri i'm sorry.
Wait, was my Siri? Your Siri just went off.

Also, do you have a male Siri?

That's the default now, which let's talk

about that later, but keep going. Interesting.

I'm sorry. We are going to gender

Siri. Yeah, I want Siri to do it.
She's a woman.

Okay, keep going.

Wow. You believe

Siri's a woman?

And I'm not saying like in terms

of like a dynamic, a subservient thing. It's like a Fox News ran suddenly.
Siri is a woman. And I'm not saying like in terms of like a dynamic.
It's like a Fox News ransomly. Siri is a woman.
Shut up. She has a vagina.
These gay men, Siri. Fallopian tubes.
I could get her pregnant with my cum right now. They're trying to put men in roles of servitude.
I don't want to fuck man, Siri. I'm not going to ask man, Siri, how to get me to Panera.

Siri's a woman.

Oh, my God.

Damn it.

Point me to my bread, woman.

Point me in the direction of my bread.

You faceless woman.

You cis woman.

Yeah, faceless cis woman.

Vagina-having woman.

You cis woman.

I'm sorry.

Wait, how do we get my nose? So, Gabby. Gabby shrinks down and says, it's like supernatural.
I just didn't want it. You got the right note.
If there's a group song, I'm like, okay. You can match pitch.
Although I did that fucking TikTok thing. The doi.
Oh yeah, that's a trick. That doesn't make sense because you have to go off key.
You do. It's weird.
And also, so this is another thing. I saw this gay guy do it and he was like, dough.
And he was like, dough. And he goes, oh, do I have to? And he goes, dough.
And then it worked. Yeah.
So it's an octave specific thing. So then that's fucked up.
It took me a minute to even get dough. Yeah.
But also I think you have to be on a specific pitch for their dough. It wants men to sound like men and women to sound like women.
Like Siri. Like Siri.
That's the truth. We're not coming back from the Siri mode.
I can't believe I insisted that Siri was so. No, because I honestly though.
That's going to be number one article on Deadline tomorrow. Yeah, totally.
That's the poll. Bowen Yang demands.
Bowen Yang demands Siri be a woman. No, because I, honestly, though.
That's going to be number one article on Deadline tomorrow.

Yeah, totally.

That's the poll.

Bowen Yang demands.

Bowen Yang demands.

Siri be a cis woman.

Apple changed this woman.

Do better.

Do better, Apple.

Siri is a woman, and you took a job away from a woman.

And isn't it hard enough?

Isn't it hard enough in this town?

It is.

Which town?

Any town.

Any town, USA. Any town.
I don't know why they would change Siri from woman to a man, because that means you have to now pay Siri more. Right.
Wait, speaking of women, Gabby. Okay, so she goes in the dollhouse, she goes on adventures, and then she shrinks back up.
There's a great Reddit, subreddit, called DanielTigerConspiracy, which is a bunch of parents, I don't know if you've heard of it, going crazy uh who come up with conspiracy theories about the children's shows that they are forced to watch right and it's named after daniel tiger's neighborhood iconic the conspiracy theory about one of the theories about daniel tiger's neighborhood is that it's a um communist monarchy uh-huh and that somehow they're all communists but they're forcing the monarchy at gunpoint to remain in their stations, but they're also making the monarchy and that somehow they're all communists but they're forcing the monarchy at gunpoint to remain in their stations but they're also making the monarchy work side by side like the prince in Daniel Tiger is a waiter at the restaurant and also babysits and it's like but he's a prince right I wish my brain worked like that it's also a bunch of parents who haven't slept. Yeah.
But the theory about Gabby's dollhouse, I want to say that my husband, he and Gregor and I were talking about and elaborate on is that Gabby, because Gabby's dollhouse, I think, premiered in 2020. Okay.
That Gabby is in a pandemic era experiment. Yeah.
That she's a girl on lockdown because you never meet her parents. You only see her bedroom.
She has COVID. She's frozen in time.
She's frozen or she's in some sort of isolation experiment. Yeah.
That she's a girl on lockdown because you never meet her parents. You only see her bedroom.
She has COVID. She's frozen in time.
Or she's in some sort of isolation experiment and they mess with her by sending in the gifts on a little ramp. Oh.
And she's slowly going insane because that's why she's like, she shrinks down into her dollhouse that this is all a woman hallucinating who's slowly going crazy from being isolated from society. Yeah, the cartoon is a disassociation.
Yeah. Because the highlight of her day has already happened.
She's been given a small gift on a conveyor belt. So that's when she realizes, oh, that's as good as it's going to get today.
Yeah. Yeah.
And she drifts. And it's been an extended four-year hallucination.
Yeah. Can we apply this? Are there conspiracies that we can apply to, like, children's shows that we grew up on? Oh, I love this.
Yeah. Yeah.
Can we apply this? Are there conspiracies that we can apply to like children's shows

that we grew up on?

Oh, I love this.

Yeah.

So what, like,

let's start Sesame Street.

Were you a Sesame Street girl?

Yeah.

Of course.

Yeah, same.

Like, is that like

a post-nuclear fallout?

That's what I was about to say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a post,

it's New York City

in the year 3000.

Yeah.

Like, we're back

in like a Bronze Age, not Bronze Age, but like we're post-technology. Post-technocalypse.
Well, it's kind of like society restarted like in the end of WALL-E. Remember how they almost have to restart culture? But, and this a little bit goes into the unified Pixar theory, which I don't know if you've heard of that.
Yeah, I've heard of this. But anyway, so nuclear war has warped some animals to become, of course, big bird, Elmo.
That speak in human tongues. But there was a section of society that knew the bomb was coming and they hid in a bunker.
And that's why you also have regular humans. Got it.
Oh, got it, got it, got it. You ever met someone in real life and you're like, I can't say who this is, but there's a person in my life who is a Sesame Street adult.
And that- Like they love Sesame Street. It's like a Disney adult? The way that they interact in the world is kind of like, and this is on video, so I'll just do it.
They kind of walk like this. Whoa.
Hey! Do you know these people? I know someone exactly like that. I wonder if we're talking about the same person.
No, I don't think, well, maybe we'll compare it to us. No, there's no way.
There's literally no way. But I'll say this person is a part of the gay community and whenever I see them, I'm like, why isn't there a furry friend next to you speaking and wanting to know about how babies are made or wanting to count A through Z? Some people just have it.
And I feel so sad. The person I know is straight, so it's definitely, there's two different people.
Or in the closet. With you.
Here's the thing. Any straight person you know could be in the closet.
And that's actually rule of culture number 50. Any straight person you know could be in the closet.
Oh, I thought it was specific to me or just anyone. Well, anyone.
I think anyone. Of course.
I don't know. I think that people probably would feel so comfortable being gay around you because you're such an ally.
I've had numerous people come out like I'm the first or second person.

I feel like that is a badge of honor.

Do you wear it as well?

I love it.

Yeah.

Where is it then?

Where's your badge?

Because I don't make a big deal.

Won't show eyes, won't show tits.

Great.

Yeah.

It's great.

Won't show eyes.

What if I just was topless but still kept the sunglasses on? It would be good. It would be ally behavior.
It would be. It would.
Wait, there's nothing wrong with being a Sesame Street. There's no like- No, no, I love it.
In fact, I sort of identify with it a little bit. There's moments in my life where I know I'm on one, like when I'm having like an anxiety response to do more, where I'm like, you're being Sesame Street adult right now.
You're being Maria. Yeah.
Oh, I have that too, where it's the show pony part of me that wants to perform and impress and cover. Yes.
Yeah. But I have another layer to add on to this conspiracy about Sesame Street, which is- Please.
There are weapons-grade, like, hallucinogens involved. But I guess any children's show is a hallucination.
That's the thing, is you can kind of... Any children's show that goes into another medium, like cartoon...
Yeah. ...or claymation...
Yes. Yeah, you're on acid.
Sesame Street has, like, this psychedelic quality to it, though, where it's, like... It's variety.
It's like you go in, there's interstitial stuff and you go into like different little movements throughout the episode. And that is kind of really special.
Wait, can I ask a question about Snuffleupagus? Can I get like to the bottom of something? Oh yeah. No one can see him except Big Bird.
What is it? Yes. So they changed this though.
Okay. In the mid nineties.
So Snuffleupagus is real. And Big Bird was like Snuffy's over there, but it's the type of gag where Snuffleupagus would disappear just when someone else came in.
So everyone thought it was Big Bird's imaginary friend, but it wasn't. Now, I want to say it's in the early mid 90s.
They realized this could be really bad messaging for children who were being sexually abused. Whoa.
Because a child would say, this is happening to me. And then they'd watch Sesame Street and people would be like, oh, Big Bird, there's no Snuffleupagus.
We can't see him. So there's an episode of Sesame Street where everyone sees Snuffleupagus and they go, Big Bird, I'm so

sorry.

Snuffleupagus has been here the whole time.

I apologize

to you, Big Bird. That was the episode

where they broke down what gaslighting meant.

This is a very

special episode on gaslighting.

Period. I love you pointing out

that it's your favorite word. It has become

America's favorite word. It's everywhere.

It's everywhere. The words gaslight

and narcissist have taken over. I've been using those words for 15 years.
And now everyone's using them. And they're not wrong.
Yeah, you've been using them since college. I wonder why.
Oh, God. Well, can I just say the person who taught me what gaslighting was, the word, was our friend Mike Spence.
Really? It's a very like NYU comedy group word. It's a film thing too because of the movie Gaslight.
The movie Gaslight. Of course.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? I'm just saying like, I feel like we've known about the word, the three of us have known about the word gaslight because we had the privilege slash dishonor of going to NYU and being in the comedy groups.
You know what I mean? Yes. So can I say something? I want to correct like the record.
I have love for all of those people. I have love for 95% of those people.
So this can connect to your notes from the episode. But we talked about the wedding that was thrown for us.
Yes. And I want to say as like shitty and annoying as that was and like in retrospect no one's the best version yeah like i don't we're not butthurt about it today no we're not like that was traumatic it's just an important part of the lore of our friendship yes i do also want to that person shortly after that episode came out did reach out to me and say that they were hurt by yeah yeah by my dismissive tone and especially because I wasn't there at the wedding.
So I, you know, I was being catty. It wasn't, I've apologized.
No, we were all being a little catty. But I'll apologize again seven and a half years later.
Sure. I was just being catty.
I was tired. And you hadn't eaten.
I hadn't eaten. Was it avocado toast that was made for you? Probably.
Yeah, I think it was. I think I remember that.
No, I wouldn't have made someone chop up an avocado, smash the avocado. I think it was just toast.
Maybe it was toast. It was toast and maybe some butter on the toast.
That sounds like me. Yeah.
What are your notes on the episode from 7F years ago? I had a lot of thoughts. Okay.
Oh, boy. So this is, what was the title of the episode? The Wedding.
The Wedding. That's literally the title of The Wedding.
The Wedding with Rachel Bloom. This is an episode that I guess we did in what, 2017 hold on let me put it up I'm still recovering from a cold this is not cocaine no problem it looks like it is cocaine with my sunglasses should I take off my sunglasses to prove it's not cocaine? it's not cocaine can I just say your eyes are so beautiful that to hide them would be so...

Yeah, no, show your gorgeous face.

Show that TCA winning face to America now.

This episode is from April 12th, 2017.

Wow.

Jesus.

Okay.

Okay.

What are your thoughts?

Here's some notes.

At 821, Bowen is working in an office with a floral campaign.

Yeah. So I think you were graphic design? I was graphic designing for One King's Lane.
One King's Lane. E-commerce.
So there was a floral campaign. God, this is so viscerally crazy.
Now you got hired to write for SNL, what? 2018. Less than, so this is about a year after this episode happened.
Yeah. Within a year, I was, yeah, I totally switched jobs.
I think, so we talked about, obviously, me talking out of medical school. You must be even more glad now that you didn't go to medical school.
Oh, my God. Rachel.
You can't go viral on medical school. I mean, I guess you can in the bad way.
You can't go viral. He could have been, no, he could have been like a fun doctor who lip synced.
Yeah, totally. Because then you wouldn't even have to go out and get the scrubs.
You would just be wearing them. And he could have done an incredible Christina Yang, like unbearable monologue from Grey's Anatomy.
Totally. And I would have loved the pots and pans being banged for me.
You know what I mean? Yeah, you would have loved that. Thank you.
Imagine being a medical professional who was just like, yeah. Surviving in that moment, being like, finally my time.
They're finally recognizing what I do.

My friend did say

a couple months after

my friend who's a doctor

was like,

yeah,

so a couple months ago

we were all heroes

and getting cookies

and now no one cares

and we're sad.

Oh,

God.

Terrible.

Okay,

continue.

Okay.

It was a different world.

I had forgotten

how much you both

watched Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

and really watched it.

So I want to thank you. Love Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.
One of the great shows. You asked me, this is before season three.
You said, is Robert a thing in season three? And I said, I can't say. So now I can answer, which is kind of.
Yeah. Finally.
That's a great answer too. Because it kind of is.
Yeah, yeah. It's this kind of secret that comes out.
And it's what causes Josh Chan to turn on her. That show was so great.
And we'll talk about this as it relates to the special. But yeah, keep going.
Here, I'll go back. There's something that relates to the special, but I'll go back to it.
Throughout our conversation, I keep going hilarious instead of laughing. That's a very comedian thing.
Comedians don't laugh. No, that's not something I do.
I got it. You will laugh for them.
Aline Brosh McKenna does that and I was around her so much. She goes, huh, hilarious.
Instead of laughing sometimes. Hilarious.
That's halfway to a laugh. Huh, hilarious.
I've heard that there is one showrunner whose iconic thing is to say, instead of laugh, she goes, that's funny. And that's how you know it is the opposite of that.
That's funny. Oh, it's like her way of turning down a joke.
I'll tell you who it is later. Okay, great.
It's not Aline. It's not Aline.
I'll leave you never. Lairious.
You are such a laugher though. I'm such a laugher.
And so I listened to that and I'm like, this is so weird. And I'm like, oh, I've been, I was hanging around Aline so much.
I think I was also really tired. Yeah.
And hungry. You pick things up in rooms with people that are the authorities.
Like I remember I picked up from Chris Kelly and Sarah Snyder, the blank of it all. Like we're talking about the carry of it all.
We're talking about the brook of it all. And then I started saying that all the time

because it was just a catch-all.

And it just happens.

It's osmosis, a word you used earlier.

Osmotically.

Oh, anyway.

Maybe you should have been a doctor.

That's really good.

Yeah, it's a real medical term.

If you went into medicine,

what would have been your focus?

I was going to be lazy and do orthopedics

because it's not gory blood. I mean, it is gory, I guess.
But it's like, it's just setting bones. Don't you have to do surgery? You don't necessarily have to.
You're just setting bones. And then you're like, great, I made $400,000 this year or something like that.
Okay. I'm actually really glad you didn't go to medical school because you have very little.
I actually really, there was a part of me when I was younger that was dabbling with being a doctor. I loved blood and gore.
Still do? Ever since I've become a parent. Yeah, I know.
My tolerance, and it's not just in kids. My tolerance for all violence and blood and gore has gone down.
My heart, and I say it in a special way, my heart has just been cracked open. And I'm lame now.
No, no. You know what? It's the door has been open.
And no matter how hard you try, you can't shut it. And it's just like, but even I was watching the Menendez brothers thing on Netflix and you see her hand get like shot off.
I... I had to skip all the violence scenes.
That's a crazy fucking scene. It's a really crazy scene and it bothered me in a way that there's just something about having a kid suddenly.
And maybe it's also because I've now lost a friend. The combination of that suddenly gore and grief and loss is not something that's over there.
It's very real. And it destroys me.
The second Avatar movie. Okay.
Oh, yeah. What are the whales called? The whales.
Yes, the whales. The Tokun.
But that is crazy. How do you know? Okay.
Because I saw the film so many times. So this is how much being a parent is fucking up.
So the scene where they kill the, it's the Tokun? The Tokun. The scene where they kill the Tokun and then she's a mother.
Her baby is strong. Her baby is strong.
And then she goes, she was a singer of songs. She was a composer of songs.
I kept thinking about the baby because you never see the dead baby. But it is dead.
So when I got home, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I Googled Takoon baby dead or alive because I wanted to find some sort of Reddit or Quora thread where someone had a theory that the baby was alive.
No. That's how much I can't read the news.
You can't even theorize about it. It was a fact that maybe it did.
The idea of like you've killed a mother and the baby whale also died because she didn't have the milk. This is a fictitious alien whale.
I know. And I'm and it's all I could think about.
I never could really do like horror. But then what's crazy is like it's the violence that bothers me.
Yes. Like I couldn't watch that scene in Menendez for that reason.
And I kind of just like I've always been very sensitive to that. I'm documented on this podcast as being like really sensitive to gore and horror and stuff.
But when people die in movies, it like my feelings. Yeah.
And the way where I'm like, even if I'm writing something, I very rarely kill characters and things that I write. Even back in the day doing sketch comedy, I rarely had people die because I just think it's sad.
I mean, I feel like constantly, you know, the classic way to end a sketch was for just someone to do that. Just like back in the day.
So I wrote on the show Robot Chicken where like if someone isn't exploding, I ended numerous sketches when I wrote for Robot Chicken with someone like shitting themselves to death. Yeah.
I knew the way to get in a Robot Chicken sketch was to end the dialogue going, which is someone shitting themselves to death. And it's spelled H-U-U-U-R-R-R-G-G-G-G-G-G-H-H-H.
And it's spelled H U U U R R R G G G G G H H H. And it's very specific.
The final H is important. Yeah.
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and year-round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care. You say this in the special, which is that, like, you see now that all children are fragile, and therefore, the bigger idea there is, like, everything is fragile.
Of course. And that's why you're like, to coon, dead or alive, like, I need to know, it doesn't matter that it's a fictitious whale.
It's like everything, even the imagined stuff is fragile. Yeah.
And that's all it is. It's too, yeah.
Yes, you're absolutely right. And in fact, when I was a kid, kids are fucked up.
Kids haven't really fucked up since a few more because when you're a kid, a lot of times you don't have much to lose. So it's like why teens make dead baby jokes.
It's like there's a hardness,

there's a lightness,

there's an I'm going to live forever death

and grief and a lot of bad things

are so far away.

And it's just not,

that's not who I am anymore.

It's weird because I used to have

a really high tolerance for stuff.

Even out of everyone that we did sketch with, you were like kind of known as the darkest one. I mean, we did like that.
We were never in the group together, but famously, like at the end of the year, all the seniors were getting to do their own thing. And it was just they just read all your black outlines and how blue they all were, like how dark they all were.
Wasn't that your bit? I remember that. Oh, my God yeah it was just like i remember that it was like yeah i'm a dark i'm it's that's half me being a dark person also me cosplaying as a comedy a guy in comedy which we talked about seven and a half years ago yes um and i do want to get back to the notes no no we talked a lot about our our college comedy groups yeah and it's interesting i can't go into specifics, but in sharing my story, which was that I'm fascinated.
No, no, no. We talked a lot about our college comedy groups.
Yeah. And it's interesting.

I can't go into specifics,

but in sharing my story,

which was that I was,

you know,

got caught in this love triangle

and I was removed

as director of Hammercats.

I have since heard stories

about other women

in years behind me.

Yes.

When I thought the groups

were better

going through other things.

A hundred percent.

Not dissimilar to that.

Yeah.

And it's numerous stories. Yes.
And I have some bones to pick. Not with you two, but I have some other bones to pick.
Interesting. Off mic.
Mm-hmm. Or not with us.
You're saying not with us, but we would... No, no, not with...
No, no, you guys aren't the problem. Not with you two.
I have bones to pick with various other people. Totally.
Yeah. I was inserting myself in that being like, well, we would love to know off the mic, but we're not even privy to that information necessarily.
No, I'll tell you off mic. But I think it's interesting because that was seven years ago and I still, I mean, I wrote about it in my book.
There's something that, I don't know, college is very formative. Like stuff that happens to you, your brain is still forming.
I think your brain's not fully formed until you're 25 or something. Something like that.
Then there's a reason these experiences mold you and shape you. Anyway, okay.
Yeah, I think about the way I was back then and I'm like, Jesus Christ. This is great.
So first of all, this was, you were a week away from being on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Oh gosh, yeah. What ended up happening? I won $5,000.
That's great. I've said my story.
I think I knew this, but I wanted, I'm sure you said it, I just wanted to. Well, I went out to Vegas with Sudi, who was my, my.
Phone a friend. Phone a friend, but at that point, they were just doing like plus one.
Like she sat behind me in the audience and then came out. I guess they finally figured out that phone a friend could be very easily like, you know, you could cheat because your friend could just be at home.
They could just Google it. Googling it.
They caught up to the age of technology and the friend was there. So we were there and Chris Harrison from The Bachelor was the host who did not like me.
And I could tell and he like did this thing where, so I got on a second episode because like we ran out of time and then I had to come back out for the second episode and I guess I messed up my entrance and he didn't like that because I guess it was the end of the day. And so he wanted to go home, I guess.
He did give a very, I'm over this, very tired energy. Like he was doing the job, but like very like, I'm half awake and I'm Chris Harrison, which was kind of his whole thing anyway, which I think made him a good host of The Bachelor because no one was looking at him.
They were looking at like the guy and then the girls because whatever. Just the perfect vanilla host.
And then he when I did my entrance to come out the second time, I went to shake his hand and he pulled my hand and you can actually see in the video me like come off my feet a little bit because he was like trying to do like a male dominance. Like don't don't mess around? Yeah, he was a jerk.
Total jerk. And I remember me and Sudi were, we went to commercial break and he did the thing where it's like the host is talking while everyone claps and you go to commercial.
And he literally did that thing of like, and now's the part where we pretend to talk. So what? So is that, Jesus.
You know what? Like everyone's allowed to have a whatever day, but that was my experience. Don't be mean to condemn, because then you'll share it on here.
Share it on a podcast. I'll say it on Lost Coach.
I mean, I don't think so. It's like that reporter who's now going back retrospectively and being like, these are some of my worst interviews.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The one with Blake Lively.
But then also there's like one with Anne Hathaway and I was like, oh, that's... Yeah.
But do you blame them? No. Well...
Oh, do I blame them? Look, press junkets are... They're exotic.
Press junkets are... Also, I got Gel X for the first time.
I was going to say, those were fucking stunned. Gorgeous.
Show the camera. I will say, it's like, also, but picking my nose is harrowing.
That's okay. Just.
No, because I'll stab myself. Yeah.
There's harp. All right.
I guess I can tweezer it. Press junkets.
Press junkets are. Tell us about press.
Press junkets are really. Have you ever done like a proper? Have you guys ever done like a proper junket? We did for Fire Island.
Yeah. so you're in a room, you're in the same room for three hours,

they bring people in, it's tiring.

Yeah. You say the same shit over and over

again. I think what's messed up is that

for other people

to notice these interviews and for

them to go viral, yeah, that's the internet.

There's something a little messed up about

the journalist exhuming

it because it's a little bit like

there's a little bit of a therapist client confidentiality because you're both in it together. You're both in the trenches together.
I get it. I don't think it's cool.
It's juicy. You're right.
It's juicy but also like it's a little bit of like Yeah, just stop. It's your work colleagues a little bit.
Yeah, yeah. 100%.
Yes. Yes.
Yeah. I guess my thing is just like,

the thing with Chris Harrison was like,

it was like,

I had that experience, whatever.

And then like a few years later,

he said all that like whack shit.

Yeah.

Like when the,

when the bachelor was having a lot of like,

there was a lot of conversations about like race with the bachelor.

And he really kind of like doubled down.

No one needed to expose him for being whatever way,

because he kind of was like

he unveiled himself

as a little bit of a jerk. Everyone knows he's a piece of shit.

I have to believe

and this has been proven

numerous times

that if someone is mean to you

in the industry

the world will figure

it out.

That if they're mean to you

you're not

an isolated experience. You don't have to

Thank you. the world will figure it out.
That if they're mean to you,

you're not an isolated experience.

You don't have to go on a public tirade against them.

They are going to out themselves. Yes.

And that has now happened numerous times

where I'm like,

the world will take care of them.

That's rule of culture number eight.

The world will take care of them. You know, we've had this discussion about this Taylor Swift quote.
She says, trash takes itself out every time. You don't think that's true.
I kind of, I'm- Not every time. Not every time.
Did I say I don't think that's true? I think it, not every time, but I think trash will likely take itself out eventually. That's what I think.
It might smell up the house. I just think, especially if you're like a well-known person nowadays, the media is so sensitive and it's like anyone can pull something up from a long time ago.
Like there's records of everything with the internet. It's like, you can't really hide who you are, especially now when everyone's on like an authenticity hunt.
Yes. Because it's like, that's what people get off on and that's what people connect to.
And so it's like, I almost think it's the reason why we're seeing this shift away from like the Diane Sawyer type interview and more towards the like Alex Cooper thing with Kamala Harris. Like it's just everything is becoming a lot more casual because I think people are attracted to it.
But that casualness is going to cause people to therefore act very casual. And when someone acts casual like that, they're going to they're going to show who they really are.
Well, the access is just different. I mean, yeah, 30 years ago, someone did an interview.
You couldn't then rewatch that interview unless you taped it on a VHS. But now that interview is forever so people can scrutinize.
I'm not even talking about things that have happened to myself as much as just what happens. Like you can go and be like, wait a second, this is crazy.
It's just the access to how people act at every moment is so, just the technology wasn't there 30 years ago. But like growing up I'm sure your ideas of like I want to be a star what that meant was different like when I thought I want to be a star and it came true in the words of Anne Hathaway sorry it came true who was the lady who ran for the wrestler who went, all of the people.
Wrestler. Melissa.
Melissa Leo. Melissa Leo.
Oh, there are people. Oh, the fighter.
There are people up there. People up there.
Wait, we forget about it. And when she said the word fuck and it was, she pretended like she didn't mean to, but it was so clearly she was going.
The Hutton for Arthur Twister. I respect Melissa Leo.
She, she. No, no, no, no.
She went for it. She made a great campaign.
Hey, she did it. She did it.
Consider. The thing that I keep also seeing that social media and the world rewards that I guess I need to be better at is shamelessness.
I have very rarely seen people who are schmoozy in a cringey way. Mostly they get rewarded for it because they're not being bad people.
They're just being schmoozy. I see them getting rewarded for it even though it makes me sometimes cringe the way it is.
And this is also just social media. Spawn con.
I very rarely see that cringiness get attacked online. I don't think, I mean, online attacks.
I don't think anyone should be really attacked online. Totally, totally.
It's been three weeks with this cough. It happens.
I hope that's not foreshadowing. I hope you don't play this episode back in seven years.
And I was like, that was when it began. Don't talk about it anymore because that's always what happens.
People are like when I die what I want is and I'm like don't give them that because like don't ever be on camera being like I guess the last thing I'd ever want to say is it's like what are you doing? They're going to use that in the true crime documentary. Or it's just you're just putting that energy out there.
Yeah. I gave do you remember Jeff Ekman? Yeah.
Jeff, one time we gave each other our like death request, our request if we were to die. This is when I was 20.
And one of my requests was that he somehow kick Dick Cheney in the balls. Sure.
Very 2007, 2008. Very.
How was he going to get access to Dick Cheney? How would he, I also, he might get, he himself might get assassinated if he tried to kick Dick Cheney. Oh, certainly.
So do I still have that request? Kind of. Pass? I don't even want to get into it.
You know, it's like. Well, the whole thing with the Cheneys is it's like all of a sudden we're like, and thank you, Liz Cheney.
It's like Liz Cheney has been one of the worst people in government for such a long time. And her having basic humanity right now and like not being a complete fucking moron is like now she might watch when she's like in the cabinet.
Oh, the bar. So, I mean, when you think back on Mitt Romney's binders full of women.
Oh, yeah. Oh, right.
I long for Binders Full of Women. Oh, remember? Yeah.
Remember when Bia ended him? Howard Dean. I cannot.
The things that ended Remember when Marco Rubio was thirsty? Oh, yeah. Oh, the water.
He just kept drinking water. But yeah, the Howard Dean scream ruining his career is...
Yeah. We are far from that.
I think that's when the internet... Was that...
What year was that? 2004. Yeah.
so I feel like that was the inner people being like wait on the internet you can play things you can clip it and distribute if I were to do it all over again even at NYU media studies major oh or something sociological or something I'm like I need to know I like I love especially now as like an adult I'm like I want to know how these things work as we're talking about like media literacy and like what like being like a public facing person means now like i'm like oh i need to i really want to like pop open the hood oh yeah so what i was gonna say was when i was a kid and i was thinking and i was watching the golden globes or the oscars and being like oh that's what being famous is what i never what never occurred to me when i never thought about because it't possible was like, I want to be at a place where I can post a thought about something that has

nothing to do with the work that I'm doing.

Yeah.

And that thought will be, I will be seen as either an expert or scrutinized for it.

That was never a part of being, you had to go out of your way when we were growing up

in order to like be a celebrity and make a statement on something. You had to like really out of your way you had to say it like during an award speech yeah you had to make it a point in an interview it was more rare and now that everyone is expected to be an authority and expert on everything and everything is on the record at all times at all times is really and i'm not even talking about if you're a celebrity, it's toxic for everyone.
Everyone. Because everyone is fundamentally imperfect and in a constant state of learning.
And it's just such, we're in such a world of glass houses right now. It's crazy.
I mean, it's like, it's like you stand a certain way or you stand a certain place and it's like a statement on things. You know what I mean? It's like, you know what I mean? Like, it's just, it's silly.
It's dumb. Like, I also remember when they, this is 15 years ago.
I remember when they asked child Justin Bieber about abortion. Yeah, it's crazy.
And he was like, I don't know. It seems sad.
It's like killing a baby. And it was like, Justin Bieber is anti-abortion.
It's like, he's a Canadian child. What are you, well, he's not an abortion, he's singing baby, baby.

He's not,

what are you doing?

I also think like when,

also his song's about babies,

of course he's gonna

air on the side.

Of pro baby.

Of pro baby.

It's his meal ticket.

Yeah,

and it's also big baby.

It's big baby.

It's out there.

He was a baby.

It was a baby.

And I just want to say,

just to quickly put a point on this,

a period on this, is never liked dead baby jokes, even as a teenager. Okay, let's get it.
Yeah, I don't like dead baby jokes at all. I, you are better people than I.
No, that's, no, no, no, and that's not, I just, I never got it even as a 14-year-old when kids were doing it. I was like, this is upsetting.
So for, you know what it was for me, and I would say like this with dark humor, and this is why also in Hammer cats i was dark so i grew up in southern california by the beach where everyone was if you weren't happy you covered it it is a happy beautiful place i was just there this weekend it's gorgeous and if you're unhappy which i was a lot of the time, you feel crazy.

Yeah.

Because you're like, I'll take off my sunglasses for this because this is important.

You're like, there's something wrong with me.

Why would I be unhappy here?

The sun is out.

Everyone around me is happy.

Santa's on a surfboard when it's Christmas because that's the aesthetic of like Southern California beach Christmas.

It's always Santa on a surfboard.

Yes.

He's wearing like the Santa clothes, but he's in shorts and he has the gifts. Paxton Santa.
Yes. Paxton Santa.
How could you be unhappy? Around Paxton Santa. Around Paxton Santa.
And so I think that I looked. He rocks.
I went to a very dark place sometimes because I looked for validation of the darkness that I felt inside myself. Yeah.
That wasn't being validated on the outside. And the East Coast.
You had to go to New York. So like Long Island.
Half the year, Long Island fucking sucks. Totally.
It's like gross. It's gray.
It reminds you that life is suffering by nature of the season. Even winter.
Winter reminds you that life is fundamentally suffering. But if it's always And it allows you to change because you realize that time is passing.
It's sort of like Gabby. You know what I mean? It's like she lives in that simulation all the time and never changes.
That's why she's an 18-year-old, four-year-old. So my existence was more like Gabby's dollhouse than had I lived on the East Coast.
Right. So I did things like, you look for dark humor like dead baby jokes.
I read The Exorcist for an eighth grade book report and I wrote about The Exorcist. That book is not appropriate for a 13-year-old.
She fucks herself with a crucifix. She sure does.
She talks about like... Pazuzu and all.
Wait, what's the Pazuzu? Pazuzu was the name of the demon that possesses. Oh, it's Pazuzu, right.
I did the thing where she was, there's a part of the Exorcist book

where she's being interviewed

and she's speaking what they think is a foreign tongue

and they play it back and she's speaking backwards.

And she says, no one, my.

And I recorded myself doing it on the computer

and then play it backwards.

And it's, I am no one.

To hear my own voice at 13 go, I am no one.

I am no one.

See, that's really scary.

Things playing backwards in songs, like that shit, like the urban legends and everything. No, no, no, no.
I, that's really scary. Things playing backwards in songs,

like that shit,

like the Urban Legends and everything.

No, no, no, no.

I should do that.

You should.

I should make a song

where there's like a backwards message.

Just like really subliminally in there.

I died in 2008.

I'm now an Illuminati robot.

Okay.

Take a note. Avril.
Okay, wait. This episode is seven and a half years ago.
Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, yes.
So we were talking about award shows. Sure.
Here's what's great. It is without question the person who's going to be nominated for big awards is you and that Bowen will be coming to award shows with you.
Oh wow that ended up being so different. I mean it's still going to happen.
Life is long. Oh 100% and it should but it's just very funny because you've now been to the primetime Emmys way more than I ever did.
But you've won and I haven't. Yes, I mean, technically I won a creative arts Emmy.
It's the same Emmy. It doesn't matter.
A Schmemmy is an Emmy. And you described your ideal morning that you wake up and someone hands you a mimosa.
I was being tongue in cheek, by the way. Right? I don't know.
It's pretty great. Was this where I said I wanted to wear canary yellow? Yes.
Yeah, okay, that's where this comes from. And you wanted to wear canary yellow because you wanted to appear as if there was no way you'd win.
Right. And then you were practicing your winning faces.
So now I'd like to ask you, what's your award show morning routine? And have you gone to award shows with him I went to the Emmys with you once when you were nominated as a writer and then I haven't been back it overwhelms me it's a lot and I was saying that it's a lot and nothing else in life is a lot and everyone around you also has the vibe of this is a lot yeah no one really feels like they belong there yeah everyone else is like i guess we're like it's i think that's one of the things too that's like so different about when you're little and you you look up and you're like wow i want to be like a big star is like you think that there's going to be like a comfort and like an elusivity to the experience and you're just like uncomfortable and like it's all a show. You know what I mean? Like you realize like that red carpet, you've waited for an hour to get on it around people who are like hungry and uncomfortable and with their publicists.
Yes. You know what I mean? It's all, it sucks to say it's all fake because that sounds so rough, but it is constructed.
Well, you're not, you're not seeing the part where you're waiting in line. I love being at shows and talking.
I also, I wrote on the People's Choice Awards many years ago and I thought it was really interesting and whenever I'm at awards, I like talking to the people working behind the scenes and being like, so what's the drama today? Yeah, yeah. And I get the tease sometimes.
They're like, oh, well, so-and-so was supposed to present and they didn't like their speech. And I was like, and I love, I love hearing that stuff because it's a job.
People are there to work. It's a work event.
So when you, this is a question for both of you, when you wake up on an award show morning, did someone hand you a mimosa? No one handed me a mimosa. I'll just order a room service and then I'll like work out, meditate, and then like put on the clothes.
And that's it. And then like this year- That's the fun part, honestly.
Fun part is putting on the clothes. This year, Sudi came and, you know, we like did a whole, just had a nice time taking a couple pictures.
And then it becomes prom for like 20 minutes. Yes.
And that's fun. And then once you arrive at the thing and you got to meet your publicist and you got to walk.
And it's like then it becomes work. And then you're like, ooh, this is the curtain's been pulled back.
Literally, Wizard of Oz style. Like, oh, this is not what I thought it would be.
And the whole night is about adjusting to that. And then as soon as you feel slightly adjusted, then it ends.
Although I will say I do think it's a mercy that the category that I've been nominated in the past three times has been top of show and then the rest of the night I'm like, okay, well, we're drinking, you know? Do you leave after your... I don't.
I'm just like, I might as well stay. Like, who knows when I'll be back.
Like, I might as well save for this. Yeah.
So, do you? You should. No, but also the times at the Emmys I was nominated, I think my category was towards the end.
So I was always there. So then you're just nervous.
Okay, let me ask you a question. So I had to do so much awards campaign for Crazy Ex.
I knew exactly when the Golden Globes nominations were coming out, when Emmy nominations, because I had to. I was the face of the show.
I had to. And every night I would get before an award show nomination, it was the worst anxiety.
I couldn't sleep. And the next time it happened, God willing, if it ever happens again, like I should take a Xanax or something.
Um, I mean, when I, the last time with the Emmys, I was, was I pregnant when the nominations were announced? That would make sense because I was I, right? I was pregnant, yeah. So I couldn't take his annex.
But anyway, I'm always aware of when the awards nominations are, not always, but often I'm aware. And it gives me horrible, like, anxiety.
It feels like the worst version of, like, a cast list coming out. I don't know.
It just feels weird. But then you hear people be asked, like, what were you doing when you found out you were nominated? And they're like, oh my God, I didn't even know the nominations were today.
I was at the gym. That's fake, right? So like, what are your feelings the night before nominations? This year, I was honestly, honest to God the night before.
I obviously knew that the nominations were coming out the next day, but I was just like finally back in town, getting my apartment all together. Couldn't really sleep, but then woke up the next morning being like, I'm going to go to the gym.
I'm going to sit in the steam room for like 10 minutes. So I like had this like agita, but then I sat in the steam room, meditated, did a whole like, had a whole moment to myself where it's like, whatever happens, like you care obviously, but it's probably not going to happen.
And so just like ground yourself in that and then go about the rest of your day. And you have all these other things in your schedule that were purely domestic.
Like you're going to go and buy like a new trash can. That's smart.
You know, like you're going to go, you're going to like work on this thing. And then it was like in the middle of my day that like it came out.
And then the first somehow these publicists know everything before anyone else does.

And then that's when they text you.

And I was like, oh, and like I found out through text.

I was like, oh, great.

But I packed my day so much that I was like, well, I got to move.

I got to like go to this next place.

And like the inertia of that and the momentum of that was helpful.

It's good.

It's grounding.

It's grounding.

I also hate the bullshit of like, oh, I had no idea.

I mean, I obviously had the awareness, but.

I guess there are some people they would have to be like, I'm not going online. Don't tell me when the nominations are.
No, I was tracking and I was like, oh, and it's 11 a.m. So here's the problem is for, because it's West Coast, we always cater to you guys.
Yeah. They're always at like 6 a.m.
Right. Yeah.
And so then you're like, well, it's 6, I might as well like stay up. I wish it was just an email.
6 is better though because I feel like, you know what? Not that I've ever been like in contention in a real way, but like sometimes I like waking up and rolling over and then being able to see the nominees and not it being 9 a.m. and like waiting around.
I know, that sucks. That's like, I'd rather wake up, look at the phone and be like, oh, there's something happening in the phone right now or there's not.
Right, right, right, right. Because then it's like, you can deal with it in the moment of like waking up and being by yourself and not that.
I hate being anxious waiting for things. So that's what it is.
I think it's just the anxious, it's the anxious waiting that I don't want. Hence the need and the want to take the Xanax because you're like, let me just kill this feeling.
Yeah, it's like a body.

Even if you don't want, even if you're like, this isn't, it's fine.

It's fine either way.

Your body is doing something that you don't want it to do.

Well, this is why I'm a pothead.

This is literally why.

Because I'm like, the second I start to feel uncomfortable, it's something I'm actively working on.

Yeah.

Is like, I have to stop my body from physically being like, oh, you need marijuana right now to calm down. Oh, wow.
So you smoke a lot. All the time.
Yeah. I want to ask you this.
This is a moment in the special. It's not spoiling anything, but you can spoil it.
Well, no, no, no. Well, there's the moment that you find out or like immediately after you find out that your friend has passed away, your psychiatrist tells you all you can do is feel.
Yeah. And then you're like, and for some reason I grabbed a journal because that seems like why is that the default? I like relate to this so much.
It's like, why do we think, why is the imagery of like feeling of like emotional access and like directness? Like, why is that so tied to like the idea of drugs? I have the same thought where I'm like, I guess I better write this down. Even though I never, it's never for posterity.
I never look back on it. Like, what is that? But I, but that ended up being like an important element of that moment for you, right? Where you wrote something down.
Well, I did, but then I gave up. I mean, literally, I still have the notebook somewhere.
It's like Adam died. And then it, you know, and that's all I can write.
I don't know. I think that, look, I naturally do see writing as cathartic.

Yes.

And there is something, the moment something happens, writing about it, you do capture,

I don't know, you capture them up.

But that's very product oriented.

And that's not what I was, in that moment, I wasn't going for like.

Output.

Output at all.

I don't know.

I don't know why.

You just, when you read self-care guidelines, it always says journal. Yeah.
That's almost a thing that you've been told from a young, like the American girl, Karen Keeping of You. Dear America.
Do you ever read this Dear America book? No. I'm talking about there's an American girl book from the mid-90s called The Care and Keeping of You that every young woman read.
And it featured a graphic illustration of a girl putting a tampon in. Every woman listening to this or watching this who was born in the late 80s, early 90s knows what I'm talking about.
Anyway, journal about it is the thing you read. And I was so in that moment lost when he died.
I mean, this is seconds after he's died that I was like, the emotions were unbearable. That I was like, what will help me? I want to, it was in a way it was like, maybe the journal will help me not feel this way.

I think that's what it is that I have to do.

And I'm a very, I got to do something person.

So the idea of just sitting with my emotion.

Doesn't seem right.

But I couldn't do it.

And then I remember I took a shower and there was this ledge in my shower

and I just put my head on it and sobbed.

And even now when I'm in the shower

and I'm on that and I look at that ledge, I think about that moment where I was like, sobbing. Which is weird with shower sex.
You gotta retell the shower. Yeah.
You gotta, yeah. Are you having shower sex though? Yeah.
Really? Yeah. I never could figure it out.
I guess that's a little different. It's different for gays.
Well, because you also have to figure out because like water is not water is not a lubricant. Certainly not.
So that's that is a challenge of shower sex. Right.
And so thank God for natural lubricant. Well, there's not.
And then but also like do you put the spigot away? Yeah. You know, like you go like that.
Like what you want is the steaminess. Right.
You don't want the. Well, because also it's like calming.

Sure.

Sometimes you'll get in the shower.

Sour shower.

You'll be like, oh, I love showers.

Yeah.

I just don't want to drown.

Like if I'm like, if I'm like, let's face it, the receiving partner, likely.

Okay.

And then I'm like, and then like, I'm like not in control.

What if I like get put under the water and I'm like.

You know what I mean? I wonder how many people die that way. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH sex club and seeing a guy die.
Because he was really fucked up on drugs and I think he was getting, his esophagus was getting compressed or something, and it was like the wrong angle, and he like somehow suffocated. It wasn't anyone's fault.
He just couldn't, he didn't notice, I think, that his windpipe was dead. It was a sex accident.
It's such a bummer story. No, no, no, no, no.
No, but like I was watching your special, and then about 10, 15 minutes in, I think it really sank in that this was going to be really about death. And I know I just said, let's not talk about it on mic because don't give them that.
But I have been like thinking about it more, I think, because it occurred to me a few weeks ago that I should probably put like a will together because there's a certain amount of money now. And I was like, I wouldn't want that to just go somewhere.
I was like, I want to leave all that to my sister. And then I started to think about like, well, I should probably do it soon because it's probably likelier that I'll die here.
You know what I mean? I thought about like somewhere I'm going later in the month. And I'm like, well, that's a spot that could get attacked.
And I'm like thinking to myself. And then I was like, I was hearing myself think, and I was like, what is this a product of? Is it a product of our current landscape? Is it a product of me getting a little bit older? Is it the pandemic that made death very real? I think it is all of the above.
It's hard to extricate one factor from another. Right, we're just older.
We're older and also death is all around us. Yes.
And I think that it would be impossible to, because I think about this too, where it's like giving birth during the pandemic, my daughter being in the NICU, my writing partner, for those of you who don't know, my songwriting partner died a week after my daughter was born. It is hard to extricate her being in the NICU from it being COVID, from him dying of it.
Like, I don't know if you'd isolated each of these incidents, how each one would feel in a vacuum. It's hard.
It is all one experience. It's all one.
You can't, when you start pulling apart those threads, I don't know, who knows? Yeah. But a will's, I mean, yeah.
I mean, we have a kid, so we've made a will. And it's all getting left to you, I should say.

Rachel, that's so nice.

That's me?

Yes.

It all goes to you.

Oh, thank you so much.

That's why I came here today.

Wow.

Honestly, I was expecting it, but I didn't want to say.

It's like nomination morning, you know what I mean?

Like I was coming here today thinking,

is she giving me, is she bequeathing me?

By the way, bequeath. That's a funny word for a sad thing.
It for it's dad. So good.
Oh, has anyone done a pun like bequeath? I don't know first you're the one to do it. Oh, I bequeath my That's a good Yeah, imagine if that was how I queefed That would be beautiful.
Musically, do you have beautiful. Do you have a tone? That's what happens when I fart.
Now I just fall down. Do your queefs have a tone to them? No, they are.
Pure air. Juicy, no.
They're pure air. If I've just taken a bath, they sound like the world's nastiest diarrhea fart.
Can I ask you a question? I love that sound though. Because it's like...
I know you'll answer this. Yeah.
Squirting. I don't...
I'm not a squirter. You never have? I remember...
I have memories of being in... Like when I first started masturbating of like...
Something. Squirting.
I think it was was pee I think I had to pee

and I like

masturbated three times

in a row

and then the pee

just got forced out

because it hasn't

happened since

and it didn't feel

you remember how it felt

it felt like

oh I just peed myself

it's crazy when you watch

because sometimes

I do watch straight porn

and I will get into

some squirting

yeah yeah yeah

I watch squirting porn

and I like it because the actresses are just like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH absolutely do. But I think it's fake.
I don't think they're feeling different. So I try to look at squirting porn when it's very clearly water coming out of the urethra.
Because there's a theory that it is just piss or whatever. So when it's very clearly a stream coming out of that second hole, I don't like it because I'm like, ah, that's just peeing.
When it's like there's something that happens sometimes during squirting porn where it just fucking gushes out and you can't tell where it's coming from. It's crazy.
And it could be from the vagina. That's the squirting porn that's the fantasy for me when it's like a when it's the stream coming out of the urethra no then it's not fantasy because it's like you're just pissing yourself some people I people squirt there's this theory that it comes from something called the skein's gland that they've analyzed it and like some of it is pissed the jury's the jury's still still out on whether or not squirt is piss.

And by the way,

that's how far behind we are

on studying a woman's body.

I was going to say,

shouldn't we know this?

We didn't know what the clit was.

The clitoris is an iceberg.

It's tip of the iceberg

with all of these nerves

that extend into your vagina,

your butthole.

We didn't know about that until like...

I used to flow.

This is Barbie. When did we find

out about this? I want

to say it started in the 60s, but then it was

actually mapped in like the 80s.

This is the way over half

the world gets sexual

pleasure. And we still

are like...

The racency of this

Thank you. This is the way over half the world gets sexual pleasure.
Yeah. And we still are like, The recency of this shit, like reminds me that there's this great piece in the cut that came out in January when you were doing the show at the Orpheum.
You did some research. Well, no, of course.
We read the cut every morning. We read the cut every morning.
No, but I was reading this back in January. Like Emily Gould, I think she wrote it.
But the writer did a great job of saying like, but Crazy Ex-Girlfriend was very much ahead of its time in terms of like the mental health discourse that we've had. And I think the special will also kind of have this like lasting relevance and permanence because the way we think about death has been permanently altered since the pandemic.
It's like everyone is a little bit, let's just say like, not crazier, but just we're all like a little bit more like destabilized by the idea of like death being everywhere. And even if you're because, look, I think a lot of people, look, myself included, it's you want to move on from the pandemic.
You want to not think about it. You want to see things as back to normal.
But there's no denying that everyone went we went through a world mass trauma. And something I ask in the special is how do you acknowledge death but continue to live? How do you not completely compartmentalize the idea that death is going to happen? Because that leaves you unprepared, right? And we need to be prepared for the next pandemic.
And when they say, you know, lock down or wear a mask, we need to understand where that's coming from opposed to it being this this random foreign thing right but you can't let it consume you no because we're all gonna die and that's a part of life everything that's alive dies also american culture is not is so anti-death it's so like bootstraps the green light at the end of the dock yeah Like it's all like look to the future. I think other cultures are better about integrating death.
Yeah. Which is why going back, even for I think secular people, going back to like religious ritual when someone dies is really telling that there is a ritual that like, I'm an atheist.
I still crave ritual. There's something grounding about it that our American culture isn't providing, especially when it comes to death.

There literally is no space.

Let's just even talk about like, oh, like you grieve, you're bereft, and then come back to work in like a week.

Yeah.

It's like there is something nice about like, let's say like sitting shiva or like doing like an Asian kind of funeral where it's like a full week or two weeks or whatever. You know, it's like- There's a reason that there's a- Yes.
Yeah, there's like a week or two in so many cultures because you need that time to process. And I talked to a lot of people who saw the live show who came up and talked to me after the show.
And like, there were numerous people who were like, my mom died two years ago. And people are like, okay, when are you going to be over this? And that you can tell people are uncomfortable around death.
There's this amazing camp called Camp Comfort Zone. It's a grief camp for children.
Wow. And I went up for a day to see it a couple months ago because my friend wrote a movie that we're trying to get made about these children's grief camps.
And I was talking to some of the kids there and they're like, some of them were saying like, I even get bullied because a parent died. And I'm like, what is that? What do you mean they're bullying? And they were just saying like, people are uncomfortable.
They don't know what to say. They don't know what to do.
So some people don't want to talk about it. Some people need to make jokes.
We're so uncomfortable because we think it could then happen to us. And for so long, I think I put people dying suddenly in this far off place of, well, this is something that happens in far off countries.
This doesn't happen to me. And then it happened and it's like, oh no, yeah, this could happen.
And that's why having a baby during that time was so triggering because babies, you're told that there are so many ways babies are fragile. Yeah.
And can die. And babies can't do shit.
Like, it's called the fourth trimester because human babies are born premature. Right.
Because it has to do with, I apologize to any scientists, I think it's as our brains got bigger, our heads got bigger, but also we became bipedal. So our hips narrowed and the two don't work together.
And so basically to get children out of the birth canal before the mother dies, they have to be born premature. So human babies are especially really, really helpless.
Yeah. Crazy that like evolutionarily that like works out for us.

But also it's still a work in progress.

No, totally.

Like we're still evolving.

Nature kind of hasn't figured this out yet.

Right.

But I'm saying like the only reason we've lasted this long as bipedal animals with whatever,

like developing brains as we're out of the womb, it's like it's because literally it's because we have thumbs.

Because we can hold our infants. Yes.
That is kind of the only, right? Yeah. It's thumbs.
Thumbs are so important. But there is a thing though, babies you'll see.
I couldn't hold a baby like this. No, you can't hold a baby like that.
I used to fly. There is a thing babies do where a little baby, you'll see them go.
And what that is. I still do that.
There I go. What that is, is I feel like I wake up doing that.
Yeah. So that's an instinct of when we were still apes and lived in trees.
That a baby would grab the mom and not fall out of the tree. Oh, whoa.
So you see a little baby go. Wow.
Tree. Would you characterize like the feelings that you, because you don't really call it this in a special, but would you call it postpartum anxiety, what you had? Yeah.
I mean, I kind of had some pre-partum anxiety too. Like I had being nauseous, maybe very anxious and depressed, especially in my first trimester.
Yeah. Ooh.
And were you very nauseous? I was very nauseous. Sorry.
Yeah. I think I had postpartum anxiety, but it was so wrapped up in grief and the pandemic.
Would I have had postpartum anxiety? But yes. It just reminds me of one of those things.
Like we were talking about like, you know, all the nerve endings and like that, that we're not talking about, like that women have, like it's like, you know, I think maybe because I watch like some real housewives shows like and I hear them use the words postpartum anxiety, which is different than postpartum depression. And like you just don't hear it talked about.
But you have to imagine that women have been experiencing postpartum anxiety forever. Yeah.
But you feel like it's only recently something that's being differentiated from postpartum depression or being differentiated from any other feeling that you would have as a as a new mom or like an impending mother. Because anxiety is you can cover anxiety a little bit more because anxiety is a you can be proactive about it.
I'm on Prozac for anxiety. I'm much more of a proactive spiraler, and that includes my intrusive thoughts, where it's like my thoughts go on overload.
And the way my psychiatrist had described it was, it was kind of two sides of the same pendulum, or it's like the pendulum swings, anxiety, depression, but it's fundamentally the same chemical imbalances going on, I think. Yeah, I think that we think postpartumum depression and the image is someone laying around unable to function i can't look at my kid postpartum anxiety is can't look away yeah and i think that also like women are neurotic so it's i mean there's so much i think that we're still realizing about the way mental health has been portrayed for years like in the media that like

a character is like neurotic it's like

oh well they should have been medicated

right totally like I feel like anxiety

because it's

active masks itself

as other things and depression is so undeniable

where it's like someone laying around who can't do

anything like in

the commercial for like

what's Latuda I feel like Latuda is one of the

commercials I've seen I feel like that's

bipolar but it's like

Thank you. anything like in the commercial for like what's latuda i feel like latuda is one of the commercials i've seen i think i feel like that's her bipolar but it's like someone laying around it's very easy for an actor to act out as opposed to like yeah the complexities of like what the fuck is going on because that what it looks like what i'm having and ever since i upped my prozac i actually haven't had a proper like intrusive thought i don't The intrusive thought and anxiety, they kind of go together.
It's complicated. Either way, when I'm anxious, what it looks like is this.
It looks like... Yeah.
Because I go into freeze, right? There's fight, flight, freeze. I go into freeze.
So how do you... In a commercial for Latuda...
How do you get across like someone is closing close up on the eyes that's less that's less evocative than like yeah than like I used to fall low wait Donnie can we get a tight close on Rachel's eyes as she does an anxiety a neurosis so this is what the ad should be

TCA give it to her

for drama

who won drama

the year you won comedy

do you know

you said it

I think it was

Sarah Paulson

oh I love that

iconic

have you guys ever met

I think once

you ever rubbed statues

ew

Matthew well on that note. Literally like a statue rubbing up against another statue.
Barbie sacks? Doll sacks? What is the TCA? What is it? Is it a little man? No, it's a glass. Oh, yeah, it's a glass thing.
You said because it almost broke. Wow.
Men can be glass and women can be Siri. When I won Emmy is famously a woman.
When I won the TCA there was I want to say it was a guy who wasn't even in the organization anymore. He was there.
He was kind of groping me right in front of my husband. It was like a problem.
And I was so afraid of like making him mad at me. I didn't do anything.
Now now I would be like hey no. Yeah no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he was like, he kept trying to like ply me with more drinks and he was like getting grabby with my waist.
And Gregor was right there. And he and I were both, it was so weird.
We didn't know what to do because we were like laughing it off. Now, now I think I would have been like, yo, dude.
Yeah. Yeah.
Why do you think now you would? Is that, is it because you're a mom? I think now we're post-Me Too. Yeah.
God, that really was pre. And also I'm...
Wow. Whoa.
I was in my late... No, I was...
Maybe I was... I just turned three.
I don't know. I'm older now and I'm just like...
And I think I also... Everything seems so tenuous that first year to the show.
That you don't want to mess it up. Where it's like, oh, if I get mad at someone, I'm going to ruin this.
Now I'd be like, you know what? Me telling one guy to keep his hands off me is not going to ruin my career. In fact, he deserves to be called out, right? We're in much more of a culture of like, that's not okay.
Yeah, yeah. But I'm still, you know what? There was a guy who came up to me after like my off-Broad off Broadway show and he was like there with his son and he like kissed me on the cheek and I went I went whoa and I didn't know what to do because it wasn't even it wasn't gross and gropey it was just weird a little familiar yeah and I went a lot familiar okay and I didn't know what to say I didn't say how fucking dare you I didn't know what to say.
I didn't say, how fucking dare you? I didn't know what to do. And then that guy came back to his credit and he went, hey, I realized the other day I kissed you on the cheek.
That was weird. I'm sorry.
He's like, my son pointed out that was weird. All right.
But like, it's a lot harder. It's very easy to say, and this is a whole other thing about like sexual harassment.
It's very easy to say like, if someone touches you in a way, you say no. When you're actually in the moment and someone is getting gropey or touching, it's really hard.
We don't give anyone a template for being a denier or a rejecter. Yeah.
We don't learn. We don't practice saying no.
We don't practice boundaries. We talk about it.
And it's a like, you know, Instagram poetry, like you go girl. You know, it's like, it's like the like, if someone is in your space, tell them to get out of your space.
How do you actually do that? Right. We don't practice that enough.
Yeah. There are almost no time.
I mean, not to connect dots too much, but like it's this thing of like acknowledgement. Like we don't know how to acknowledge these very prevalent whatever these like facts of life about with like death or with like people being violatory or something.
It's like how do you to point it out is like the hardest part and yet it is like the first thing that has to happen in order for anything to like be better. Does that make sense? Yeah, I know.
I was also thinking about like now when someone is in a scandal or whatever, the way that they get out of it is like they just don't say anything and they make it go away. Which is the opposite of what we're taught as a kid is to apologize.
I feel like not all apologies but I feel like the the more you say, even though we're taught to apologize, the more it makes things worse sometimes, which is like such a fucked up weird lesson. Yeah.
Not always. Not always.
There are some good apologies. And a lot of the time it's when someone's apologizing for like a scandal, it's because they're also explaining it.
They're not actually apologizing. They're giving a very defensive explanation.
I don't know. But like as having a kid now, I think about this.
Like, what do I tell her about personal boundaries? And I tell her like, if someone hugs you, say, I don't want to be hugged right now. And they're getting, she's very good about that.
And I want to keep that into her teenage and adulthood because she's not ashamed about saying, I don't want to give a hug right now. And like, keep that.
Yeah, no, that's great. She already drank her juice.
Dunkin' juice and spilling tea. I already drank my juice.
Drink juice and spill tea is title of that. Title of that.
I don't think so, honey, is now the segment that we're going to do And also what I say To anyone who comes to me And wants to hug Just kidding I actually am a hugger Aww I'm a hugger too I know We're all huggers here Need someone to hug me close I don't think so honey Is a segment Do you have any Were there any more notes On the last episode that you really wanted to hit before we do it? No, no, this is a, I talk about in the episode, I talk about talking to Adam. That I had been in town, I think, doing some press events with Adam.
He really was the best. He was the best.
And so I think we had just done, we did a thing at Lincoln Center in that beautiful room that overlooks, what was it?

We'd done like a crazy X concert.

Anyway, so listening to that,

and that's, you know, he's now gone and be like,

oh, but in that episode, he's alive.

I know.

Yeah.

I think in the episode, we also just talk about,

I'm sure we went on about Fountains of Wayne and about his genius and about the show, obviously.

I don't know if we did, but noted.

We have on the show.

We have.

We've certainly talked about it on the show.

I put on my sunglasses not for that, but for I don't think so, honey. Of course you must.
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We have on the show. We have.
We've certainly talked about it on the show. I put on my sunglasses not for that but for I don't think so honey.
Yeah no good. This is like good energy to bring into it.
I am doing an I don't think so honey today and it's sort of pointing inward but I'm actually going to flip the form a little bit and I'm going to connect it to the iconic 400 which we just did because we forgot somebody. so I'm going to use this time to give that person their flowers.
This is amazing. Okay.
This is Matt Rogers' I Don't Think So Any. His time starts now.
I don't think so, honey. We didn't put Barbra Streisand on the Iconic 400.
Oh my gosh. And this is a huge mistake and I'm going to use the, let's say, 50 seconds from now on to give you more than 30 you would have gotten.
Barbra Streisand, you are the one and the only. I didn't grow up with anything that wasn't Funny Girl.

We were a Funny Girl house.

In fact, we were such a Funny Girl house

that we were also a Funny Lady house.

Now, here's the thing about Funny Lady.

Not as good as Funny Girl,

but if you really want to get into the FGCU,

the Funny Girl Cinematic Universe,

you have to watch Funny Lady,

in which Fanny Bryce has another relationship

that proves to be challenging.

Because when you are Fanny Bryce, you have a lot of responsibilities.

You have a lot of complexities.

You have a lot to live up to.

And you have these men in your life who are going to not necessarily give you their best because they're not good with themselves.

And Barbara, you nailed that.

You nail it all the time.

You are one of the greatest singers of all time. I can't believe it's only five seconds.
Barbara Streisand, welcome to the Icon of 400 in theory. I don't think so, honey, that we forgot you the first time.
And that's one minute. The Funny Girl Cinematic Universe.
The FGCU. Oh my god.
That is such an oversight. We forgot her.
And that was crazy. Barbara, back in Brooklyn.
Back in Brooklyn.

That was one of the great concerts.

Basuti and I went to go see Barbara Streisand at the Barclays Center. Oh, wow.

It was 2016.

And she, of course, got political.

And there was one woman, like,

15 rows behind us. We already were in bed

seats. The one woman in

the entire Barclays Center at Barbara Streisand

that was like, shut up, shut up, shut up. This one Trump woman screaming in the back.
Like, what did you think was going to happen when you came to Barbra in like in Brooklyn? October 2016. I love people with weird.
There's a bit that I've been wanting to do. Like, I want to have like a merch section of my website.
I don't know how to do this, which is called bumper stickers for no one, which would have bumper stickers that don't describe anyone. And like one of my ideas is like, I'm a gun-toting, Bible-thumping, Nathan Lane super fan and I vote.
And I vote. What is someone that doesn't exist? Trump or at a Streisand concert? I'm a Barbara Streisand trucker and I vote.
I love like, yeah, that doesn't make, but there's someone, there's one person out there, I bet. There's definitely a Nathan Lane super fan.
Nathan Lane or Nathan Fielder? Nathan Lane. Nathan Lane.
Nathan Fielder? For a second, I thought you said Nathan Fielder. I'm willing to bet that there are more conservative Trump.
More Trump people like Nathan Fielder than Nathan Fielder fans than Nathan Lane fans. Of course.
Because they're like, this weird humor. Although Nathan Lane was in The Lion King and do they love The Lion King? But I don't know if they're Nathan, like you'd have to, who knows a lot about Nathan Lane? Who is a gun toton? Lindsey Graham.
There you go. They're out there.
Yeah, they're out there. I love those people who are anomalies where it's like, you don't make sense.
You're building fun Venn diagrams. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shut up and shut up. I had an art teacher in high school who was like, had like a cool haircut and like played Aretha Franklin for us and she was also the track coach and also the like, and she was like a guidance counselor.
She was like, all these things and she was like we would always jam. We would always like eat lunch together and I remember she like loved Adam Lambert.
She was like obsessed and she was like a hardcore Republican. Yeah.
It's just like it's people are out there doing their thing. But also when we were growing up but also Republicans the country was less fractured.
It meant something different. It was more open to like your personal interpretation.
And with some people, it was just more fiscal. Yes.
Yeah, yeah. I don't know what it was.
I actually, but I remember it took me back even then. And now it's like those people that were, you know, you knew like way back when that were Republicans.
Like you kind of wonder like where they're falling now. I just ran into a friend who is Mormon.
Still Mormon. And we talked about church.
And I didn't even ask her about political stuff. I went, oh, are you still going to church? She goes, yep, I go to church every Sunday.
And I vote for whoever I want. Okay.
That to me means probably a good thing. I'm not unburdened.
That's what she meant. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Lovely. Bo and Yang, do you have I Don't Think So Honey today? I'm going to do something and I just confirmed it by searching through the list of the Iconic 400 and there was another omission.
Okay, good. I'm happy we're making things right.
This is Bo and Yang's I Don't Think So Honey. His time starts now.
I Don't Think So Honey. Us for not including Whitney Houston in the I the iconic 400.
I cannot believe that we as gay music loving men did not acknowledge the template formed with Whitney Houston. Someone who went through tremendous personal challenges to give us some of the most celebrated music in the last 40 years, let's say 50 years.
I'm not going to make it time bound, but I can't believe that we would do that as gays. You all have permission to walk up to us in a public setting and chastise, berate.
Hit us. There are no boundaries.
We left out Whitney Houston and Barbra Streisand from the Icon 400. That was bad.
I'm here to apologize. It's not an apologize if,

it's an apologize that we left out Whitney Houston.

I apologize that we offended you.

That we disappointed the community.

I have not seen her in concert

like you have seen Barbara.

That is one minute.

Do you want to sing something from Whitney? And you and your boys went out to eat Then they went out But you came home around three And six of y'all went out And four of you were really cheap Cause only two of you had dinner I found your credit card receipt It's not right, but it's okay. I'm gonna make it anyway.
Pack your bag up and leave. Don't you dare come running back to me.
Yeah. I think we got it across.
We got it across. Glasses off.
Thank you. From a vocalist, this means everything.
Oh everything Oh my god It was great Did you come prepared today With I don't think so honey? I knew you did Glasses off for this Alright here we go Get ready This is Rachel Bloom's I don't think so honey Her time starts now I don't think so honey I'm talking to you Rowdy 14 year old boys In children's parks I don't think so honey When you're standing on the swing that my daughter's waiting to sit on and actually use the swing properly and you're rattling the swing. That's not my problem.
I don't think so, honey. You are not meant to go on these jungle gyms and step on my child's hand.
I don't think so, honey. Here's the thing.
If this were hundreds of years ago, you'd already be a father. You'd already be a man.
Go home and be a man. Go home and do your homework, honey.
Parks are not for you anymore. I don't think so, honey.
If you want to go and build a park for post-pubescent boys, or should I say men, that's your business. But my child wants to go on the slide, and you are sticking it up with your teenage B.O., and you are scaring her.
You're stomping with your friends and you're laughing. And I can just tell that you're probably going to smoke.
I don't think so, honey. Do not step on my children's hands.
And that's what I just keep. I just feel like there are a lot of hands getting stepped on.
I don't think so, honey. Yes.
That was really important, Rachel. So important.
And I have to say this. It makes me so sad.
So I have to confront myself here. Because last week, I took my parents to a vacation spot.

And there was a pool with a slide.

And I said to myself, oh, fun, a slide.

And then it said on there, you must be under 14 to do the slide.

And I remember my first instinct was to be like, well, this is ageist.

And I want to do the slide.

And then I was like, Matt, you are 34. You did the slide so many times in a time that it was appropriate for you.
It's just not appropriate for you to do this slide. This slide.
Slides in general, you can go to any water park and do the slide. Seriously.
Yeah. This slide, it's okay.
Let the kids play on the slide. Here's what I would argue that you could have done the slide because here's what my I think so honey was about I actually have no problem with middle schoolers or like high schoolers coming to a park and using things properly in an organized non-rowdy way if you're 15 or 16 and you want to actually go on the swings for an appropriate amount of time, I get it I do that too, it's the thing where they stand on the swing and they shake the fucking thing and then they're running around and like they're not using the equipment properly.
You being on that slide is fine with me. It wasn't with the resort.
Totally. Do you feel compelled to speak to these teenagers? I'm not going to get fucking Karen.
No. Totally.
Yeah, that's the thing. Totally.
And I was going to ask, like. No, I just give them withering glances.
And you know what? They don't notice, nor do they care. And you know who also doesn't seem to notice? My daughter.
She doesn't care. I'm the only person caring.
That's important. Even when her hand is stomped on? It happened when she was young.
I don't think she remembers it. No.
But,, what I would struggle with as a parent is to be like, I want to yell at these other kids, but I can't. It's hard.
God, I mean, other kids are fucking rotten. I also don't want to get made fun of by middle schoolers again.
I already went through that in middle school. I'm a little afraid of the withering things they'll say to me.
If I'm like, excuse me, my child wants to use the swings. We'll talk about no boundaries.
They'll just be like, shut up, fucking bitch. And then I'd start crying.
Yeah, they'd be like, you really just felt you could say that and just didn't. Yeah, exactly.
I don't want to have someone yell at me. Because that's the thing about middle school boys is that they'll just say something really vicious to harm you.
Whereas middle school girls, they're starting to develop passive aggressiveness and social bullying.

But middle school boys will just be verbally violent.

Yeah, yeah.

But middle school girls are more like, okay, I'll get off the swing.

And then they'll be talking to each other and looking.

You know they're being mean, but they still got off the swing.

It's psychological as opposed to visceral.

I don't know that those are binary. I get what you're saying.
It's non-binary. This is.
Unlike Siri. Unlike.
Fuck. Siri is a woman.
Siri is a cis woman. Siri's cis.
Serving me. Yeah.
How do we feel about the trope of, let's say it's a grounded comedy dramedy, adults on a swing at night for like a really close, intimate sort of like exchange? Oh, I think it's overdone. Oh, as a trope.
I think it's, if seeing in real life, it's very sweet. So many parks aren't open at night.
Right. That's actually the problem is that parks are closed.

I kind of,

I don't think I mind it in movies either.

If I see it in real life,

then I go,

why are those two grown ass people sitting on the swing?

I go sex offender.

And then I start calling the police.

Because I'm Karen.

And I get,

I get them down there.

I think that's the right way to do it.

If I see adults at night

on a playground,

I go sex offender. And I get my phone out and I go, 911.
My girls. My girls.
Call me Karen. 911 operators.
I go, yes, Kamala. This is Matt.
And I need you down here. Thank you for your service.
And thank you. Thin you thin blue line Rachel Bloom for coming I can't believe this is only your second time on in seven and a half years we can't take this long break again have me on every week honestly I'll just sit here I don't even need to say anything I'll just but you could that would be helpful I'll pretend to be like your backup pianist with no piano.
Yes. You're a Paul Schaefer.
But look, Rachel shows up and the conversation flows, baby. You love it.
This is great. Death let me do my special.
October 15th. You can stream it now on Netflix.
And give it a double thumbs up because that helps the algorithm. Yes.
Algorithmically. Isn't that weird? As opposed to a single thumbs up.
Just any sort of reaction to it but the double thumbs up. I mean, single thumbs up is also good but how often do you do that on Netflix though? Not often.
I never do it. I've never thumbs up a thing.
I just did. I just started doing it.
I did it for a show about mermaids that my daughter liked because I'm like, I got to start paying it forward. We got to move out of Gabby's dollhouse.
So there's this show, it's called Mermaid Academy. It's a whole thing.
They have cornered, Netflix has figured out the little girl brain. Uh-huh.
Scary. That sounds creepy, but it's not.
Okay, if you say so. Daniel the Tiger, is that Netflix? No, that's- It's PBS.
PBS. Oh.
Oh, that's the one to watch. PBS is great.

We love PBS.

And with that thought, we end every episode with a song.

It's not right, but it's okay.

I'm gonna make it anyway.

Close the door behind you, leave your keys. I'd rather be alone than I'd be.

You're making a fool of me.

Bye. Last Culture East is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeartRadio Podcast.
Created and hosted by Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. Executive produced by Anna Hosnier and Hansani.
Produced by Becca Ramos. Edited and mixed by Doug Boehm and Monique Laborde.
And our music is by Henry Komirsky. Hey everybody, it's me, Matt Rogers, letting you know tickets are on sale now to see me on tour.

The Prince of Christmas tour, that is.

I'm doing my whole album, Have You Heard of Christmas,

plus a lot more with the whole band all throughout December.

Go to www.mattrogersofficial.com to see me in a city near you.