"An Emergency With Our Closest Friend" (w/ Cole Escola) Producers Anna & Becca's Pick for Best of 2024

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Shop now for family favorites. This episode is supported by FX's Dying for Sex starring Michelle Williams and Jenny Slate.
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That's S-A-A-T-C-H-I-Art.com. Hey readers, it is so thrilling to tell you about a new podcast from the iconic, the incomparable Michelle Obama and her big brother Craig called IMO.
You know, on Lost Culture Recess, we dive deep into the culture and get real with our guests. Likewise, on IMO, Michelle, Craig, and their guests tackle questions from listeners just like you, offering practical advice, personal storytelling, and plenty of laughs.
From dating and relationships to family and faith, Michelle and Craig give their candid perspectives to the everyday questions shaping our lives and the world around us. Like their first episode where Issa Rae laments friendships that need to go.
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So, if you want to know about the culture that made Michelle and Craig say culture is for them, check out IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson wherever you get your podcasts. Catch the new Hulu original comedy Mid-Century Modern from the creators of Will & Grace, executive producer Ryan Murphy, and director James Burroughs.
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All episodes of Mid-Century Modern are now streaming on Hulu. Hey guys, this is executive producer Anna,

and I am here to present the third favorite episode of this year

that me and producer Becca chose as our fave,

and that is the Cole Escola episode.

So we love this episode and wanted to re-release it for you guys to listen to

because Cole had such a great year with O'Mary and we're just such huge fans of theirs. So we really hope you guys enjoy listening to this podcast again.
And yeah, we cannot wait for this new year to bring you guys all new guests and wonderful episodes of Las Culturistas and new episodes start releasing next week on Wednesday. So stay tuned for that and enjoy this episode of Cola Scola on Las Culturistas and new episodes start releasing next week on Wednesday.
So stay tuned for that

and enjoy this episode of Cola Scola on Las Culturistas. Ding dong.
Los Culturistas calling. I just gave prayer amps to the camera.
It was involuntary. Well, we do praise God.
Praise God. By the way, just so everyone knows moving forward, this is officially a Christian, Judeo-Christian podcast.
If you have anything to say negative about the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Old or New Testament.
Can it, Missy? Can it, Missy? Yeah. You had a really tragic energy coming in.
Not tragic energy, but you were a little ornery. You know what? I actually, as I was walking here today, I was like, am I going to show up as my bitchy self today? Or am I going to put up a front? No.
But I'm choosing to be authentic today and say I'm in a bitchy mood because of two things. And you know when two things go wrong and then everything else is the third thing? Well, you know, for the domino effect to happen, two dominoes have to fall.
Uh-huh. Or one has to fall.
Truly. But one has to knock into the second.
That's actually rule of culture number eight. For the domino effect to fall, one has to fall into the second.
One has to fall into the second. Not our best.
Not our best. So tell us what happened.
Well, the first thing was today I was coming back into New York City. Welcome, by the way.
Thank you so much. I'm from Long Island, New York because it was, of course, the day of Mother's.
Mother's Day, I spent the day with Katrina and co. And I came back in today and was going to open my AirPods.
Classic comedy. They fell out onto the train tracks.
Classic comedy. And would you believe there actually was a moment where I was like, can I go on the train tracks and get my AirPods? And I said, can you imagine that type of death for me? Third rail.
And then you were going to get railed tonight. Okay.
So then the second thing was I get a text like immediately after the AirPods are gone I did not hop on the track That says my dick appointment said I had to cancel And I wanted to discuss the reason that he gave We don't know the reason We're about to get the big review No, and I said the snake is eating its own tail in the gay community When it comes to reasons for canceling on dick appointments We've heard them all This is one I've used Having an emergency with his friend. I said, you know what? Just say that your friend needs you.
When you said closest friend, that's what that was the tell. I'm having an emergency with my closest friend and they really need me dot, dot, dot.
Really wanted to hang out wondering about later or maybe when you get back to New York. This is fine.
This is not a big deal. I'm just saying I've used that excuse.
I'm not sure what the better excuse would be. Those are two severe words that are used in proximity to each other that is suspicious.
Emergency, closest. Emergency and closest friend.
Like, it's not just something came up. An emergency came up.
No, it's just a friend. No, the closest friend.
So what I'm saying is... We need to come up with a new excuse.
We need new excuses and I would love to brainstorm today with our noted queer guest. One of the biggest queers.
That's going to be really fun to talk to them. Yeah, definitely.
But I think that I really needed the dick after the AirPods went away. I was already excited about it.
You know who wants to fuck you? My dad. We can't talk about this.
No, actually don't tell me what I can't talk about. I'm in a bad mood as it is.
I'm not comfortable with you talking about your father being attracted to me. So Bowen has been sort of hitting the gym.
And you better get comfortable with Lost Coach becoming the poster children for sex. Because we're working so hard in the gym.
I went to Barry's today. But this isn't about me.
This is about Bo. My dad said, when you did the Mother's Day bit with your mom, who was perfect.
Very, very sweet. My dad goes, Boen looks fucking great.
And he's saying fuck more than ever. Boen looks fucking great.
He's been in the fucking gym. Fucking looking toned.
Big arms. You don't have to know anything.
Okay. Don't piss me off.
Go ahead, calm yourself down. Because you're out of control.
This is just, is this what they call transference? I don't know what that means. We're not psychologists.
Wait, wait, what. I'm getting, he rubs himself.
I'm getting transference. Ooh.
This is an auspicious day. An auspicious day.
We have our guest joining us back by popular demand. Literally, they beg.
They beg us to do. They beg and plead, and it wasn't the right time, and this is the right time time because guess what? It's day one of their much deserved time off before previews begin for O'Mary on Broadway.
You don't get bigger than Broadway. You don't get bigger than Broadway.
There's no way up. There's not any bigger stage.
A lot of people have been asking, do you, and I swear to God, this is a conversation I have constantly with people in the community. How do you think they'll make it bigger and better? I don't think they have to.
See, that's it. And that's my answer to every single individual.
Thank you, sis. Bigger and better? Shut up.
I said, shut up. It's already big and good.
It's already big and better. Bigger and better.
Look, Bowen, I'm so happy that you have this. See, now I'm pissed off.
We're so angry today. What else do you want? It is, I'm sorry, and I said this, I had the privilege of going opening night at the Lucille Lortel.
I walked out of that saying, that is the funniest comedy play ever written, ever produced, ever performed. Why do we we want more? stop it let me tell you something certainly stop it with that that colonial attitude certainly the best thing that's been at the Lucille Lortel hey hey alright let's not do that no it's the best thing that's been at the Lucille Lortel everything before it what about the Lyceum? Lyceum more like I see them all I see them all flopping at the Lyceum I see every there's been no good theater there's been no there's been nothing careful now salt until now and we were all talking about that actually right before we got on mic we were all saying how there's been no good theater for decades well Cole came in and they said thank God I to do the show.
Not since what show has there not been good theater? I don't think there's been anything good on stage since Mame. And Sarah Jessica Parker agrees.
Agrees. June 26th, previews begin 12 weeks at the YCM.
Only give this person a fucking break. Please give Conrad Rick Amora a goddamn break.
No, I say continue to work him. Yeah.
He needs to stay busy. Keep the voices at bay.
Crazy people. Everyone in the show is insane.
And the people backstage are even crazier. Hannah Solo, Peter Smith.
Hannah Solo, fucking God. Hannah and Peter squawking.
Oh my God. I can't imagine.
Selling their little baubles. Selling their baubles backstage, trying the best they can to get on stage.
Good luck, I say. This one's never getting sick.
Have fun with the little marbles and spilling them all over the floor. This one is never going to trip.
This one's never getting sick. And if they do trip, you're going to see the bloomers.

I'm sorry,

I'm spoiling the show.

Yeah.

I'm spoiling the show,

aren't I?

Well,

here's a spoiler.

It's incredible.

And so is our guest.

And when I say they beg,

I mean the audience begs.

The audience literally begs us

to have callback

because they don't like

our other episodes.

No,

it's true.

They get mad when we...

They get furious.

That's okay.

What can you do?

We're in our polarizing flop era

and it ends today

with our guest,

the one and only,

Cole Essoa.

Oh my God.

Don't talk when we're talking.

Don't talk when we're talking.

That was rude.

How dare you?

Don't you have enough stage time?

You are trying to get me ruined.

Yeah.

How so?

I never said.

I never said that there's never been any good theater.

Who are they going to believe, you know?

Me or you?

Well, you're going to get me in trouble because I'm part of the community now.

That's true.

I love every show that's ever been written.

Yeah.

That's true. Ever been performed.
Well, what are the top three shows? Top three shows of all time? Yeah. O'Meary? No.
Our Town. Our Town.
Thornton. My Town.
Thornton. And The Town.
Oh, I love The Town. Blake Lively was so good in that.

Blake Lively, come back to Broadway.

I would like to see that.

I would like to see that.

Oh my God, absolutely.

Ariana, come back to Broadway.

So Cole would do this bit way back in the day.

What would they do now?

They would pretend to be like...

How about you tell it?

I butcher this.

I just...

It's a character that's like all my other characters.

It's just...

Crazy woman.

Crazy woman.

All she cares about is getting Ariana Grande

back on Broadway.

Honestly, you're in the right place.

You have a direct line.

This is all set up to say

first day on set of Wicked.

My friend Cola Scola does this bit where they pretend to be this old woman, this theater going woman who all she wants, she goes to every show, but all she wants. Ariana, come back to Broadway.
We miss you, sweetheart. Get on this side of the footlights again.
I see you at the shows. Yeah.
Do something besides Jason. Come on.
JRB. Come on.
It's all the same. You said that before coming on the mic too.
JRB's all the same. No.
JRB's all the same. No.
You are getting me so. Can you imagine what you just did? I have mucus.
A cough in my mouth. I was getting mucus up.
Oh, my God. We need to start this over.
Let's start this over. I think we need to start this over.
Listen. I think the listeners need to know that I've been doing eight shows a week for a long time.
Yeah, now explain. You sound hot.
Explain what's going on vocally. So this voice is tired.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tired. What's the pre-show ritual? Grether's Pastels, Atomizer.
What do you do? I do. I vocal steam.
I meet with Tony.

Tony.

Robbins.

Oh, Robbins.

Tony Robbins.

Tony Robbins.

To center you.

Yeah.

Bring it on to earth.

God, he's good.

Yeah.

God, he's good.

People forget.

They do forget.

People forget how good he is.

It's like community remembers.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

But I don't want to forget about the dick appointment excuses. What's your sort of whole read on that situation? You know what? I think just saying I need to reschedule.
Yeah, totally fine. I need to reschedule.
Because it's so anxiety inducing because then you have to be like oh no, I hope your friend's okay. And then otherwise you're an asshole.
Now I'm worried about this friend. Closest.
Closest friend? What kind of emergency? Because not for nothing. But if it's a real emergency, we might not be able to reschedule.
You're going to be grieving. This is an emergency with your closest friend.
How do you know Thursday is going to work? You don't know that? You have an emergency with your closest friend. An emergency with your closest friend? You don't know anything.
You can't plan out anything. Text them tomorrow.
How's your friend doing? I think I might. How's your friend doing? It was the kind of thing where it was like, it went a little bit beyond dick appointment because of how far it went in the in the sexting.
And even there even was some verbal. There were some voice messages sent back and forth.
They all do that. Gay culture is gay courting.
Gay courtship is over promising under delivering constantly over promising under delivering. Don't you think my mind went to the Olympics.
My mind went to Keri Struck. Well, let's talk about the Olympics.

They're right around the corner.

You going?

You going?

Yeah, I'll be there

because I have to promote the show.

Right.

In July.

Yeah.

12 weeks.

When does that end?

I can't do that.

Help us.

Three, four, five, six, seven.

Carry the one.

Carry the one.

We came up in the same community.

We came up in the same community.

We both came up in the same community.

Carry the one at the same time.

Amazing.

I don't know.

I don't know. Carry the one.
We came up in the same community. We both came up in the same community.

Carry the one at the same time.

I don't know.

You'll be in Paris.

I'll be in Paris for the Olympics promoting O'Meary.

How do you think they know who she is?

I'm reading in my notes

a former first lady of the United States.

I think a lot of people

forget. People forget.
Can I be honest and say you were on Seth? It was perfect. Seth Meyers, a friend of the community.
A little too friendly, I think. Total gay guy.
He's arriving at that let him cook. Let him come out.
Let him cook. Let Seth Meyers come out on his own terms.

Right.

So you said on his show that you did almost no research because,

and I think this is so smart because you would have written jokes that were like,

well, that's going to get a laugh because that's where she was born.

Yeah.

Well, I got a lot of people.

Not a lot of people.

The story has been fucking annoying.

No, no, no, no, no.

Like just two people being like, oh, this person does no research and now they get a play on Broadway. Yes, actually.
Wow. And I'm like, you don't understand.
You don't understand. Decades of work that went into this play.
Yes. It literally has been.
Yeah. 15 years? 15, 18, 19.
Oh God. Oh God.
Actually though. Carry the one.
Please. Someone else carry the one.
Yeah.. My back hurts.
My back hurts. Someone else carry it.
Carry it. Carry it.
They're pointing. You at home.
Carry the one. Oh, they're pointing the camera.
So, why do you think she was so crazy? Mary? Yeah. What do you think it was? I have no idea.
She was hysterical, that woman. She was kind of silly.
Yeah. She's just a silly little gal.
Right. She liked to have fun with her friends, go shopping.
Yeah. You know.
And Abe kind of tied her down. Yeah.
Oh, that's my worst nightmare. If I were a cabaret singer, so the character of Mary wants to make a cabaret star.
I think Mary historically was a cabaret star. Yes.
Yeah, it doesn't work out. You marry this guy.
He's president. And then you're like, I would

go crazy. Yeah.
It is a perfect

among us. Yeah.

I've talked a lot to Michelle about this.

Obama? Yeah.

You know, because she really wanted to sing.

Really? She's really

been wanting to sing for a long time. What stopped her? Her bad

voice?

You know, they released a picture of Michelle

Obama the other day. She looked really high.
High? Yeah, she looked like she was having fun, like at a resort or something. Well, look.
You're going to get me in trouble with more than one community tonight, okay? The D.C. community.
The D.C. community.
You're not even going to be able to go down and do it at the Lincoln Theater. My Tony.
Bye. Gone.
Gone.

Gone. Gone.

I mean.

My Tony.

Gone.

Gone.

Thanks a lot.

Reactions to the Tony noms this year.

There's too many.

It should be one award.

Yeah.

For the whole show.

For the whole show.

With how many nominations?

Just like two.

It should be down to like two people.

Oh, that's good. I love that.
It makes it even more heartbreaking. It should be Hillary versus Trump.
Yeah. Oh, God.
Trump would be a better actor, wouldn't he? I mean, depends on the show. Right.
You're actually right. Well, Hillary can produce stuff.
Trump could produce stuff, but Hillary couldn't do, you know, like Angels in America. Whereas Trump could dazzle.
Trump would be an amazing Roy Cohn. Trump would be an amazing Roy Cohn.
I mean, you knew him. I knew him.
That's his mentor. I think he'd be a good, um, what's his name? Pryor.
Trump as Pryor. Trump dazzles as Pryor.
Can't you see it? I can see it.

Trump has never been better

as prior.

Dazzles.

Just the word Trump

over Angels in America.

That's where we're going.

That's what's going to happen.

Make Angels in America great again.

Wow.

That title of that.

Make Angels in America great again. Trump! Oh my god.
That title of ep. Title of ep.
Make Angels in America Great Again. Yeah.
Oh. Trump dazzles as prior.
Trump dazzles as prior. You have to say it in that voice.
Now we're in hot water with the Kushner community. Okay.
And the Mike Nichols community. That's okay.
No, they would love it. Hey, hey.
Their checks are clearing. Yeah, that's absolutely true.
You don't want to put butts in seats? Put Trump on Broadway. I mean, we're all scared to say it.
Put Trump on Broadway if you want to save Broadway. We're going.
We're behind the chair. All that big ass around the boards.
I'm saying. I'm saying.
What are we so afraid of? Talent? What are we so afraid of? That we might like it? Yeah. I think America's too afraid.
I know. Of, yeah.
100%. That's why we're in this mess.
That's why we're in this mess. Yeah.
If we just put him on Broadway. This is honestly not, not an answer.
If I were to go to him right now. Yeah.
And say, yeah. Look, if you drop out.
Mm-hmm. 12 weeks, oh Mary Mary would you do that? no, not at all I don't care who it would save I think that's really noble this is my time, it's my year I don't want you to give up I do think we could recast some of your castmates let's get them out of there.
Put Trump in. Put Trump in.

Yeah.

Sorry, Scully.

Sorry, Scully.

Later.

Trump would be a Great Mary's teacher.

Yeah.

Because honestly,

Trump would get the same reaction

as James when he walks out.

James walks out

and the audience goes,

oh.

Fuck yeah.

And then.

Sorry, can we cuss?

I forget.

Is this an extra Christian?

No, this is Judeo-Christian,

but.

Can I hear something?

The whole religion is like.

It's fake.

Thank you. I know you've been meaning to get there for years.

I, yeah.

Learn something. Very hard to get it.

Most,

most empires last

three,

four hundred years.

Yeah.

We're due.

We're done.

I think we're,

You think so?

we're,

it's curtains for me.

You know what,

what podcast I love?

Yes.

The Kelsey Brothers.

Oh,

the Kelsey Brothers.

The Kelsey Brothers.

Who are the Kelsey Brothers?

Travis and, Travis and his brother. And they have a podcast.
And they're actually very charming on it. No, they're great.
They actually, they actually. Oh, wait, that's how I first heard I Don't Think So, Honey.
Because they started it. They started it.
Yeah, they started it. And then you guys kind of.
The first time gay people have taken from straight. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This podcast called Fall of Civilizations. Oh.
And every episode is wake up. Wake up.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. This podcast called Fall of Civilizations.
Oh. And every episode is...
Wake up. Wake up.
Every episode is a new civilization. You wanted them on.
Now they're here. Now they're talking about the Fall of Civilizations.
And yeah, they're being a didactic. Roman Britain.
Yeah. The Fall of Roman Britain.
The Bronze Age collapsed. When you say Roman Britain, as in when Britain was Roman.
Yes. And how that fell apart.
Yes, yes, yes. It's fascinating.
It's really interesting stuff. And I think people don't realize...
But here's the thing about history. I get annoyed when people are like, we're doomed to repeat the mistakes.
And I'm like, I think we're doomed no matter what Even if we do know the history Not me Well congrats Thank you Can I tell this story Cole? You can tell it but you better be careful I don't know what story you're talking about I basically had a little mental breakdown over the summer Oh my god that was hilarious we were all laughing about it

the group thread was

hilarious

on fire

I go to Amsterdam

you were in Ghent at the time

I was posting to my close friends

gonna be in Amsterdam

you said maybe I'll come see you

I said I will pay for a hotel room

if you come and hang out with me

and you were so

I'm sorry. you said maybe I'll come see you.
I said I will pay for a hotel room if you come and hang out with me.

And you were so

kind to do that.

Kind? I was in Ghent.

Everyone's kind.

I was in Ghent.

And then we had a lovely day

together and we were in the park.

Yeah.

Was it you or me? We were just like we should go see a play tonight. Yeah.
I can't remember. God, I can't remember who it was.
What did you guys go see? We're like, let's go see Les Mis. Yeah.
And then we looked up tickets for that night, bought two tickets to Les Mis, sat in the mezzanine, all in Dutch. In Dutch.
The ugliest language. The ugliest language.
Not a gorgeous language. Bad, bad language.
Bad tongue. Yeah.
And hilarious songs in Dutch. In Dutch.
The ugliest language ever. Not a gorgeous language.

Bad, bad language.

Bad tongue.

And hilarious.

Songs in Dutch?

Oh, wow.

That's generous.

Thank you.

Did any song survive the language?

I mean, One Day More was pretty cool.

Yeah.

In Dutch.

Of course.

Well, those harmonies.

The harmonies. One Day More! Yeah.
That's good. That was great.
That was really good. That was too good.
Jean, right here. Stop it.
Trump, look out. Trump, look out.
Hey, Trump, I'm coming for you. Hey, Donald Trump, I'm coming for you, baby.
It was a lovely time. It was one of the worst days of my life.
Well, for me, it was nice. No, it was incredible.
Thank you for being there for myself. Watching Les Mis in Dutch.
Yeah. It was like going to the opera.
Yeah. You know? Exactly.
Now, did y'all sort of do a post-mortem after? What do you mean? We just couldn't. We were so moved.
Yeah. Oh, we were very moved.
All we could do was walk. Yeah.
Yeah. We just walk.
It's a beautiful city for that type of thing. Oh, yeah.
Be careful. Be very careful.
Tread lightly. You're right.
I need to tread much lighter. Sorry.
I'm just reeling. Reeling.
From the subway, from the AirPods. The AirPods went down.
There's going to be no dick in my butt tonight. I think there's still time.
There's still time. I did think about getting on the apps and being like, who? Yeah.
Oh, no problem. Samantha who? Christina Applegate.
Christina Applegate, who I share a birthday with. So please, please be careful.
Please be careful. That must be where all the talent gets born.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Me, Joe DiMaggio, Christina Applegate. That's pretty good.
That's a really good trio. Yeah.
Day over. Day over.
Yeah. Now, what are the hopes and dreams for this time off you have before the previews start? I want to get back to me.
Yeah. I believed that.
I'm sorry. Thank you.
Don't let this change it. Well, no.
I think what's happening is... What? Don't let this success change you.
Yeah, thank you. I think that one thing that everyone's been talking about in the group thread that you're not in is that you've changed.
Thank you. And you've become a big star.
You went to the Met Gala. That actually happened.
And if you think I'm not going to ask about it and who you sat next to, you didn't... You weren't correct.
I think they're just going to sip on that. You're just going to sip on that water? Well, I'm not going to forget the question and you're going to run out of water.
At some point, you're going to have to come up for air, boo.

Oh, not that.

And you asked for them to come back.

Can we please?

No.

We don't have to talk about it.

No, I was going to say, can we talk about the abuse?

Mariah Carey, precious.

Oh, you batched every inflection. Yeah.
Can we talk about the abuse. Mariah Carey, precious.
Oh, you matched every inflection.

Yeah.

Can we talk about the abuse in your household?

I'm talking about, what did she say?

Talking about repeated instances.

I'm sort of making it up now, but really, Mariah was never better at acting than that moment.

Can I tell you something?

No, please.

Can I just throw it out there anyway? Watch Glitter again. It's not bad.
Of course not. I've never seen it.
Do yourself a favor. I will.
Watch a couple movies. You have a lot of time off? Yeah.
You know what you gotta watch? One's a real suggestion, one's not. Watch Glitter, lol, that's the bit.
You really should watch The Idea of You, both of you. Oh, I have to have the Anne Hathaway.
Yeah. I was mesmerized.
I loved it. And I cried at the end.
That man is made out of milk. Well, Matt's theory is that he's AI.
Now, do you like him any better now that you've seen this film? So get this. I'm not convinced he's not AI at this point.
But you don't mind. But I am a big fan.
And I think Don't tell Fran Drescher. If Nick Galatine is AI, then we need to just cut Fran loose and start doing the AI thing.
Because if Nick Galatine is AI, which is still my theory, then I think that's the future. Let him take our jobs.
Yeah. We're not booking them anyway, sweetheart.
He's made out of milk. Explain.
Go on. Look at him.
Oh, yeah, yeah. That makes sense.
Imagine taking a bite out of his cheek. Yummy.
Actually, I think you could. Yeah.
He is milk duddish. Yeah.
And I say this in a very horny way. I think he's very attractive.
Yeah. I have a theory that people's assholes are the same color as their lips.
I think you're wrong. I'm not going to look it.
I'm going to tell you you're wrong. Why yours is so brown? Don't presume the hue.
Yeah, booty hole brown. Don't presume the hue.
Don't presume the hue. That's actually roller coaster number eight.
Don't presume the hue. No, that's not the color of my hole.
Let me see mine.

No.

Wait.

No?

Wait.

Wait.

Wait, hold on.

Okay.

That's going to be the picture for that.

Okay.

We all just took a picture of our beautiful lips.

And I don't know.

You don't think so?

Your hole can't be that color.

I can't see it.

Yes, you can.

Take a picture.

Squat over your phone.

You've never taken a picture of your booty hole?

No. Cold, please.
Cold, please. You've seen it.
I've not seen Cole's hole. I've seen a gorgeous shot on a close friend of Cole's amazing ass.
Oh, sure. Take an amazing ass photo.
I mean, it's easy. It catches the light so perfectly.
It's hard to take a bad one. No, give yourself some credit.
Okay, okay. I'll give myself a little credit.
It's not all a little light. I don't think I made the close friends.
I would remember that. It's not the close friends.
It's another thing. It's another thing.
What is it? It's another secret third thing. Oh, it's a finsta.
It's a finsta. I had a horny finsta.
I guess I still do. I mean, is it done? What? I don't really maintain mine.
Me neither. I think I took six pictures during the horniest time of the pandemic.
We have to forgive ourselves for everything we did in 2020. Oh yeah.
Especially electing Joe Biden. Especially Biden.
We should have given Trump another chance. We're giving him a chance

on stage. You're right.
You're right.

Now, I think

O'Mary would be the perfect show for him.

I think he would be so good as

Mary. In a way that...
Okay, wait.

Let's really actually dreamcast

Trump in something.

So you're saying O'Mary.

Gypsy. Gypsy.

Heartbreaking.

Heartbreaking. Haunting performance.
Haunting. Why did I do it? When did it get me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm going to have to leave. No, don't go.
Follow me in the background. This is not a good try.
Who is that? Who is that? It's someone else. It's an original character.
It's an original character. Listen, there's a Patty...
Ronald Dump. Ronald Dump.
There's a Patty-sized hole, shaped hole in Broadway. Yeah.
And he could fill that out. Appeal to Patty now to return to Broadway.
She is, isn't she? She is. She is.
She's called the roommate, her and Mia Farrow at the Booth Theater. You're kidding.
She was just being like dramatic about the quitting? You're kidding.

You're kidding. We love her.
I love her to death.

Oh wait, sorry. You think women aren't allowed to change their minds or

wait, what's this?

What's going on? What I'm saying

is what you said

before you got on the episode, which is that

women are crazy, hysterical

and can't make up their minds.

That's what you said. How dare you? Right before.
I am going to kill you. I wish you would.
No AirPods, no dick. Why should I keep living? Yeah.
Yeah. Great color for you, by the way.
Thank you. And they're popping.
Thank you. And you did that on purpose, didn't you? I did.
I did. You're a warm tone.
Well, this is the other thing that I wanted to talk about. Okay.
Color theory. I really want to see one of those color theory people that like put the things over.
I know, me too. I'm obsessed with that.
Me and Claudia O'Doherty. Yes.
Love Claudia. Hi, sweetheart.
Great legends. Go to bed.
We really. sorry people are probably like angry at my hoarse voice but we really wanted to there's this woman in LA who does the color theory thing who was the wardrobe supervisor on the nanny oh my god she has many Emmys.
She knows what she's doing.

She knows what she's doing,

but then we looked

and the prices were like,

Broadway prices.

Yeah.

Literally like,

I can buy half a ticket

to O'Mary for that.

Oh,

it was like $1,000 per session

or maybe it was like

800 or something.

I bet you there's someone

who does that here.

Right in New York City.

I know,

but did they design costumes for New York City. I know, but...
Where you live.

Did they design costumes for the nanny?

I mean...

I don't know what to tell you.

Have you ever had that done?

No, I want to so bad.

I was just watching an ASMR video last night.

Of course.

Where they do it.

Of course you were.

I don't even think I know what it is.

You get off on that stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He does.

Splood all over.

Ew.

Splood all over himself.

Matt's classically olive tone,

but I think that makes him neutral.

So Matt,

that means you can wear any color.

You want to know,

this is the truth.

I actually came here today

and I was going to wear a yellow shirt.

I was going to actually follow up

on the Taylor Tomlinson episode.

Yes.

Where I said that

I bought a yellow shirt at a museum

and I never wear it

because why would I? I actually put it on today to wear it to this. It looked good.
Looked at myself and said, this is not my color. But you don't know if it's like, oh, it's the cool undertones.
It's the blue undertones of the yellow that don't suit you. You probably do have a good yellow.
You probably do. Can I say when I'm a little bit more tan, which is happening, it's in process, I can do

yellow. But this was not, we are not

there yet at this juncture. And then

the step beyond that is

like, are you a cool yellow

or a warm yellow? Right. And I would never know

what this is, so I guess I have to do this test.

This is why it's dangerous to be

like for us, because we

don't know what we're talking about. And so for

us to just sort of posit all of these,

oh, I'm yellow, I'm blue, I'm...

It's dangerous.

You're so good with color.

We've all seen The Apartment.

Thank you.

Not all.

Well, it was in the pages of...

Oh.

What was that?

Remember it was in a magazine?

Apartment Therapy, I think you're thinking of,

or in the New York Post, or... I don't remember.
I really don't remember. You have a really good relationship with the Post.
Yeah. I do, yeah.
Well, they reviewed the show. Look, the Post has always been very good to me.
Yeah. What's your favorite review you've gotten? Probably the long one.
Because they said everything. No stone left unturned.

They went there, honey.

They talked about the play, me.

Yes.

Like everything that you can imagine.

The play, me, everything.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

I'm thinking about it right now.

Do you feel like you can't wait to get back up there I am excited for a break that's healthy I think health is important that's one of the reasons I wanted to come on here because I don't the play is doing fine we don't need the press I want to. Okay.
Because as queer people in the community. We're not healthy.
We're sick. We have a different relationship from our upbringings to health that invariably does affect circumstances and basically like human rights.
So true. Well, when one of us is sick, we're all sick.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
Should Oh My God be the title of app? We've got a lot of great content. I don't think so.
I actually don't think so. I don't think so either.
But thank you. I mean, I think health is wealth at the end of the day.
Well, Bowen would know. Oh, no.
Oh, my God. We're back on this again.
We're back on this. Since go.
We're back on this again. We're back on this.
Guys, I'm going through a tough time. Are you? Let's talk about it.
Let's go there. Yeah.
We'll be right back. We'll be right back.
Everybody has been there. Traffic was a nightmare.
You got home late and your dinner plans are out the window when you hear the inevitable tiny voice saying, I'm hungry. That's when dinner dread sets in.
What are you going to make tonight? How can such a simple question be so hard to answer? Well, it doesn't have to be, because a delicious, family-pleasing meal from Stouffer's

is only a ding away.

So, if your dinner plans are derailed, don't worry.

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a meal that will always leave everyone happy,

especially you.

Especially me, with the lasagna,

maybe some chicken enchiladas,

spaghetti with meat sauce is always a winner,

or how about some cheesy chicken and broccoli pasta bake?

Yes, please.

When the clock strikes dinner,

thanks Stouffer's.

Shop now for family favorites.

This episode is supported by FX's Dying for Sex, starring Michelle Williams and Jenny Slate. Inspired by a true story, this series follows Molly, who after receiving a terminal cancer diagnosis, decides to leave her husband and explore the full breadth of her sexual desires.
She gets the courage and support to go on this sex quest from her best friend Nikki, who stays by her side through it all. FX is dying for sex.
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All episodes of Mid-Century Modern are now streaming on Hulu. And we're back.
Actually, probably when we'll put it for a break before the break Bowen was going to open up to us about what he's going through I would love for them to just host this oh my god please that would be amazing everyone would be so much what happened Hillary Clinton what happened um by the way what say what you want about Hillary and I and you will and I will it's a great title for a book just in general the book can be about anything it can be a cookbook and it doesn't have Hillary doesn't have to write it it can be anyone can write any book and call it what happened and it would be great no punctuation what before I want to hear about the pain're going through, now you have to cast Hillary and Trump in a show together. Oh! Night Mother.
Night Mother? Night Mother's good. That's really good.
Who's Mother, though? I think Mother is Trump. Yeah.
Oleana. Oleana.
What's that one? Oh. I just know that it's a two-hander.
A two-hander? It's a two-person play. Waiting for Godot.
Waiting for Godot. Waiting for Godot would be not good to watch with them.
What about Chocolat? Yeah. The movie? What about Amelie the musical? Which I did a reading of, so be careful.
With Pippa? No, then it was Rachel Lee Cook.

We wanted to do

a sort of she's all that

Amelie sort of like

hey, what about this?

Sister stories.

It's sort of like how

Detroit is a sister city

of like, I don't know.

Minneapolis.

Minneapolis, Detroit Detroit The twin cities

The twin cities

The sister cities do be random

Yeah

You're like Shanghai and Des Moines?

Yeah

Yeah, it's funny

I find it amusing

No one's laughing

What is New York City's sister city?

Couldn't tell you

Couldn't tell you

Not at all

Couldn't tell you

You know what I just

A lot of these cities

Wish they could be our sister

Yeah, wish

Well, you know what I just realized?

No

The second city

I'm going to. The second city is called that because it's like known as like a second city.
You didn't know that? No. And then I understood why there was also one in Toronto.
Famously also a second city. Also a second city.
Sorry to everyone that lives there. I love Toronto.
If I had to live in another city that wasn't New York, it would be Toronto.

Really?

Toronto.

Toronto.

Very cute gays.

All the second cities have cute gays.

They do.

Chicago and Toronto.

Yep.

I would say San Francisco.

That's not a second city.

It is.

If you're like consultants.

I actually do.

I'm looking for a consultant. For what? I don't want to say a bad word, but one time a psychic told me that.
Oh, is this the psychic that scammed you? No, the community is very upset. This is a different one.
Oh, Matt. Who said that my husband is wearing a suit.
Well, that could be anything. Your husband is wearing a suit.
It's the charlatan. It's psychic.
It's made up. It's a suit.
A hazmat suit. To get near that dirty hole.
Hey. Ew.
What'd you eat last night? Chinese broccoli? Golly. Hey, that's my people.
Chinese broccoli? Yeah. It's not actually Chinese, is it? It was very, very racist of you to say.
Even more racist than what you were saying right before you got on. You came in here and you were saying a whole load of racist stuff.
Chinese broccoli. Is that what the bats were eating in the wet market? You said that.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did say that.
I did say that. I was saying that while I was peeing to myself.
Yeah. And I was...
And Bowen was right there. Bowen was right there.
And I was being... What was that guy's name? Larry something? Hmm? The guy who was cruising in the bathroom.
Larry Craig. Larry Craig.
Oh, no. Don't cut this out at all.
We should... I think enough time has passed and that guy, you know, his whole life was ruined.
Did he die? I think he is dead at this point. Let's call bathroom cruising as a closeted man Larry Craig.
Larry Craig. Have you ever hooked up in a bathroom? Yes.
Yes. Oh, and by the way, tell the story because can I tell you something? Oh, no, no, no.
I realized that I'm sorry about this. We were doing our episode with Dua Lipa and you were telling the story.
But I've told it many times. You have told it before, but I did redirect the conversation in an irresponsible, annoying, and very Matt Rogers coded way.
And so I want you to take the floor. Tell us about how you had sex in Madrid Airport Bathroom.
That's the story. Okay.
Have you? No. I don't think I could.
Hygienically. Get hard? Yeah.
I don't think I could do that in a bathroom. Yeah.
Because of the smells or because of the awareness of other people's proximity? I think growing up gay.

Sorry.

Oh, no.

No, go there.

This is good.

Go there.

I just...

We'll be right back.

I want what's best for everyone.

I'm sorry.

Hold on one second.

We're back.

We're back.

Okay, and you were crying?

I'm... I don't know.
I just don't think I could. No, sure.
Ideal place for an encounter? Probably. Country.
I want a country. Okay.
Time of day. I'm going to say Canada.
I'm going to say Toronto. Toronto.
A hotel room in Toronto. Okay.
We're being stupid. We did not actually ask you to expand on Toronto.
What do you love about it? What makes it an ideal place? It's not trying to be New York. Thank God.
No. This is my impression of Toronto.
Hey, we're not New York. We've got a couple restaurants.
Have fun. Let us know if you need anything.

Bring your kids.

Don't.

Actually, don't.

Please don't.

It's six of one.

We've got a quote-unquote beach.

They do?

Can I tell you something?

Don't ever sleep.

Oh, I love a lake beach.

Don't ever sleep. Oh, I love on Lake Beach.
Don't ever sleep. Claudia, wake up! There needs to be a gay lake.
And there really is. Yeah, there is.
Where? Epcot. That's actually rollercoaster number two.
There is a gay lake at Epcot. That is one of the gayest lakes.
But I'm saying there needs to be like lake house culture for gay people. Yeah.
The Germany Pavilion at Epcot. I've said that already.
I'm so mad. The most relaxing place on earth, the Germany Pavilion at Epcot.
Go there, bring a beach chair, have a sauerkraut, and a fucking pilsner. And a pilsner.
That's where I'm going to be all June. For relaxation.

You're working.

Yeah, well, for Pride festivities, Epcot.

Well, Trump's going on the first week of Broadway.

Yeah.

Because Cole's still going to be in Epcot.

Cole, we keep trying to get you to come to Disney with us.

Well, you don't.

Yes, we do.

You never have.

Well, would you do it?

No.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

You don't like it.

Being carried. Growing up, we'll be right back.
Okay. We're back.
You just hate it on principle. That's not true.
You can say. BDS.
Wow. I don't like you two together.
It's too much. I know.
I know. It's too much.
Yeah. Too much of what? Calm down.
I agree. Yeah.
No, I bet I would like it. No, no, no.
You don't have to say that. I think you would because I think you'd see the irony in the whole thing.
John Early and I once went to Disneyland. Yeah.
Well, that must have been fun. It wasn't.
Why? But Splash Mountain was fun, and I wish we both wish we would have just like done that again and again. Well, you can't anymore because they've renamed it Princess Tati's Bayou Dip.
But it's the same. You still splash.
Very much the same. They've taken out everything that you love,

which was the racism. And you were saying that before you got on the mic.

And they've replaced it with Princess Tiana

because that's how you correct the wrongs of the ills of the world.

Again, I said this when I was peeing to myself as a joke.

And we were both Larry Craig-ing.

And we were both Larry Craig-ing.

I was looking for sex with closeted men.

Of course I was going to say that stuff. Yeah, of course.
You were trying to attract people. Yes.
Please. Please.
Don't get it twisted. I don't ever want to get it twisted.
Can I say something? What? I can't think of anything more embarrassing than getting it twisted. A lot of other embarrassing things.
Truly, but like, what's more embarrassing than getting it twisted? First of all, ouch. How do you feel, just generally? A lot better now, honestly.
I was not in a good mood earlier, and now I really am. Okay, I'm very happy to see you both.
Do you think you're going to have S-E-X with someone else? Can I tell you something? No. I did the thing.
Sorry. I did the thing.
We'll be right back. I did the thing where I over scheduled myself on dates this week.
So it's actually, I'm going to reveal okay that my guy canceled tonight because I'm going on three dates this week with three different men. Sorry, everyone.
I'm actually trying to find a partner actively. I would like that for myself.
I have recently discovered about myself that I would like to be in a relationship that's great I don't think you're ready for one I don't think I am either but being ready for it and wanting it is two different things that's true right you know yeah someday soon what do you yeah what do you what do you think it'll take I think you two have to stop being friends. Yeah.
Well, everyone's so intimidated by him. True story.
It just, like, I say, no, no, he's great, I lie. I go, no, no, he's great, he's easy.
He's gonna love you. Yeah.
And then I go. And then, old mother-in-law over here.
Nothing's good enough for her son. The last two guys I've dated have been like, I'm nervous to meet Bowen.
And I was like, don't be nervous. He's my best friend and the best person ever.
I was nervous to meet you. Yeah.
When did you meet? 40 years ago. 40 years ago.
Well, it obviously went well. Y'all did all of Europe together? Yeah, we did all of Europe.
That was 84. 84.
And Berlin was East and West. Oh my God.
And we didn't know which was which. And so I was trying to buy jeans.
And they said, we don't sell those here. That was good.
It was a hilarious misunderstanding. Yeah.
Well, you were just saying before that you missed Germany the way it was. That's what you were saying.
And you gave a specific year, too. Cool.
Oh, my God. We missed you.
Here goes my Tony. And there goes my Tony.
No, it's a fucking shoe-in. Thank you.
Do you see me get actually genuine there for a second? No. I said, we missed you.
Yeah, we did miss you. Don't say that, though.
I'm sorry. I'm embarrassed.
Do you not like to say hi to people after the show? No, I love it. I love it.
Good, good, good. Yes, good.
Okay. Because we didn't go backstage or anything.
Well, there's not a backstage at the Lortel. Oh, it's a theater moment? It's like you have to come into the...
Everyone clears out and the notables sort of stay behind. Yeah.
The friends. The friends.
Can I reveal at this point that the opening night party at the Lortel run, the off-Broadway run was at Houston Hall, which is a pretty very straight venue. There was sports on the screen.
There was sports on the screen. And I thought that was kind of the perfect touch.
I didn't see it the same way as you. Oh, you were stressed out.
You didn't like it. I thought, change the channel.
Yeah. Totally, totally.
No one listened to you when you said that? I didn't say it to anyone. I just felt it.
You thought it. But it's a big beer.
That was your biggest mistake. That was your first and biggest mistake.
You know what would be fun to play at a bar? Yeah. What? QVC.
I agree. Oh my God.
Gay bars should be playing QVC. I 100% agree.
Yeah. And that would drive business, which is what you care about.
Yeah. The economy.
Absolutely. Jobs.
Yeah. Bringing jobs back to America.
All these companies. There's nothing more American than QVC.
It's actually culture number 98. Yeah.
Eight. There's nothing more American than QVC.
It's actually World Culture No. 98.
There's nothing more American than QVC. Because it's a conversation piece.
You can talk about it. You don't have to pay attention.
It's not like, oh, well, now Mamma Mia's on, so I guess I'm going to watch it, which is what I do. No, there is no through line to follow with QVC.
No. Actually, in fact, there is the absence of that completely which is why it's so great peek behind the curtain to when i shot i love that for you the people that had to play the uh on-air people you just have to be always talking yeah you literally it was it's actually so funny when you watch because they end up saying some crazy things sometimes just words together in like a soup that truly are just like and look at this diamond pendant now i love this for graduations for funerals for you know and i and my mother had a pendant and i always remember my mother especially now today because janine is going to turn around and you can see the pendant from the back it's like nonsense gobbledygook it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it's nothing, but it is everything.
If you can watch it on mute and it still looks like things are happening, that is the mark of success for that, which I love. And it gives you moments like the planet moon.
Oh, the planet moon. Tell me you know about the planet moon.
Yeah. The planet moon, Liza.
Also, you know what's really wild is like,

actually they do watch second by second to see if the sales are going up and down.

And it does correlate to like how charming they're being.

Like at any given time, there are a million plus people watching this channel

and gauging second by second whether they're buying something or not

to the point where like it actually corresponds with the, I guess, salesman flopping or not. I love the economy.
You said that. I love the economy.
Yeah. I love inflation.
Yeah. Keeping up with those prices.
Yeah, keeping up with the prices. Yeah, we got to keep up with those prices.
Yeah. Raise them a little bit and then give us something to aspire to, you know? Was that the big conversation at the Met Gala? Can I get some water? No.
No. No.
No. No.
Don't bring them anything. You like your job? Is my lawyer here? No, your lawyer's not here.
Who's your lawyer? You want to shout him out? Yeah. Go ahead.
Elizabeth. I bet she rocks.
Elsbeth. Elsbeth.
Elsbeth. Have you seen all the commercials for that show, Elsbeth? No, but I really want to watch the show.
It's supposed to be good. Yeah.
Yeah. Carrie Preston is a legend.
Carrie Preston's a good wife. Oh, yeah.
I didn't watch The Good Fight. Me neither.
I should. Christine's mad at you.
She is. Have you met her? No.
Christine Baranski we're talking about. No, she's mad at me.
Right. Well, I think we can.
Because of all that stuff you made up about me, what I said, like. I didn't make anything up, sweetheart.
It's so funny that you try to come here on what is our show. Uh-huh.
Because even though we made a joke about you hosting it, it's our show. Interesting.
That's really interesting. Is it interesting?

It's interesting.

Okay.

I-N-C-H-E-R-S-T-E-E-N.

Got it.

Interesting.

Got it.

Correct.

Got it.

I think that Archie Punjabi is having a moment again.

Thoughts?

Where?

Under the bridge.

We'll be right back. Everybody has been there.
Traffic was a nightmare. You got home late and your dinner plans are out the window when you hear the inevitable tiny voice saying, I'm hungry.
That's when dinner dread sets in. What are you going to make tonight? How can such a simple question be so hard to answer? Well, it doesn't have to be, because a delicious, family-pleasing meal from Stouffer's is only a ding away.
So, if your dinner plans are derailed, don't worry. Just turn to a delicious solution from Stouffer's, a meal that will always leave everyone happy, especially you.
Especially me, with the lasagna, maybe some chicken enchiladas, spaghetti with meat sauce is always a winner. Or how about some cheesy chicken and broccoli pasta bake? Yes, please.
When the clock strikes dinner, think Stouffer's. Shop now for family favorites.
This episode is supported by FX's Dying for Sex, starring Michelle Williams and Jenny Slate. Inspired by a true story, this series follows Molly, who after receiving a terminal cancer diagnosis, decides to leave her husband and explore the full breadth of her sexual desires.
She gets the courage and support to go on this sex quest from her best friend, Nikki, who stays by her side through it all. FX is dying for sex.
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K-bridge Kosciuszko but I think they call it the K-bridge to sort of insinuate that there'll be ketamine use under the bridge which I find to be now as an iconic sober person what do you think of that? I'm disturbed yeah well careful the table is making noise that's because Bowen is shaking he's humping he's like a dog I don't think gay people and drugs go together I actually agree I think let's just like put a pause on it until I figure it out what's going on I need to get in there I'm busy with my show right now if you went to you went from swap places absolutely, come fall

I want to like, I just want to open it up

open the community up and like

look at it. Cole

if you were to put out like

a missive to the community

across the world

and say

stop it with the drugs for like

a month, people would do it

I don't think they would

I think they would. These gays love drugs

so much. I'm gonna do it in

Thank you. stop it with the drugs for like a month, people would do it.
I don't think they would. I think they would.
These gays love drugs so much. I'm gonna do it in October.
Well then. I'm gonna do it in October.
Was there a favorite drug back in the day? Just weed. Yeah.
Just baking. Just baking.
Waking up and baking. We call it Wake and Bake.

And we were really fun.

Wake and Bake sucks.

It was awful.

It's really bad.

I'm sorry.

If you're a Wake and Baker.

No, I just feel bad.

It was awful.

No, of course.

No, yeah.

It's a huge alarm bell moment.

Yeah, once it becomes Wake and Bake, that's when you have to stop and take a second to reassess. And I guess that's what we're saying to all the gay community who's really the biggest problem within the gay community is marijuana.
Marijuana use is out of control in the gay community. These gays are too stoned.
They M out.

Have you noticed that Taylor Swift has started to talk

about weed a lot in her music?

Has she? Yes. In her music?

Say more. Like, the Tortured Poets

Department is an album about a chaotic

manic relationship and she references

like, always being

she was with someone that was always stoned

my friends smell like weed etc. Yes.
You You know what I mean I hate the word weed You know like What do you like to say I don't know Because you don't really have pot I don't like pot at all You know what I say Reefer Ew I don't care what you think Reefer, weed, pot Marijuana It's all pretty bad It's all bad I think reefer's funny because it's stupid. Green.
Flower. Shut up.
Never flower. Yeah.
420. Bowen.
I don't know what that was. Go to bed.
I've never seen you do that. Go to bed.
Your tongue fell out of your mouth. Bowen goes.
I'm sexual. You're a bully.
I'm sexual. You are a sexual bully.
That was me rimming the air. You're gooning.
Do you want to eat ass? Every now and then. You know what? I stopped.
Yeah, good. Is that because you got sick? It's safer.
I got, yeah, Jardia. I had Jardia for like six months.
I was like, oh, I guess my stomach's just weird now. This is a great story.
You'll want to put this in the book, okay? And it's coming up right after the break. We're back.
Hi, I went to a dietician for my acid reflux. Sure.
And they ran all these tests and they said, here, you need to poop in this jar and mail it in. I said, no questions.
Absolutely. I'll do that for you.
Take my poop. Hey, you take it.
And what they make you do is like put a bag, like a little, you tape basically a piece of paper onto your toilet seat. Oh, yes, yes, yes.
And you poop onto that paper and then they give you a little scooper to, I hope everyone at home is eating a nice big chocolate cake right now. And you scoop the poop and you put it into a little cup and you mail that in to, I think the government.
The government. And what do you think they do with the cup? They lick it clean, mama.
Again, I hope you're eating chocolate cake with your human. And if you are eating chocolate cake right now, it's poop.
It's poop. Is it poop? Is it poop? Is it poop? Okay, so they came out with Giardia.
So, well, then I met with the dietician and she goes, have you been camping recently? And I was like, no. I haven't been camping since I was 12.
What, what kind of weird question is that? And she was like, you have this parasite that is common with people who've maybe been camping, drinking contaminated water. Or from.
And does she get there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I was like oh so the process of confirming that you have Jardia in order to get the antibiotics is like mailing in your poop and I'm like I don't want to be mailing my poop like I'm leaving that behind so no more ass eating 2024 I'm like, I don't want to be mailing my poop.
Like, I'm leaving that behind. I said no more ass eating.
2024, I'm not mailing my poop anymore. I said, new year, new me.
No poop. I am not going to that mailbox with a jar of poop.
No. That's completely insane that that's what happened.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, I've had it before and it hasn't stopped me. Yeah.
But it was horrible and I got it on Fire Island and you saw me. Yeah, it was bad.
It was not good. Ew, you like watched him? Yeah.
We shared a room. No, but I watched you get your ass kicked.
Was I really? No, you did not. Don't tell them that.
They don't want to think about us like that. No, I was insinuating that you were watching him have like explosive diarrhea.
Oh, I thought you were insinuating that I was watching him. Isn't that funny? Were we sharing the bed when I had to keep getting up? Yes, we were.
And we also shared the bed. The only, only, only time I've ever.
And it was bad. Like we both had like growing up moments in that.
The only time I've ever blacked out. Oh.
From 4th of July, where, like, they found my wallet on the boardwalk, and it was this whole, like, community effort to get. That was the only time you've ever blacked out? Good for you.
Yeah. Really? I would say so.
I didn't really ever black out in college or high school. Hmm.
You sound like you don't believe me. No, I'm trying to go through the Rolodex in my mind to think of times I've seen Bo and Yang sloppy.
It was so scary because I've never, like, had, like, a black box in the memory of, like, oh, I don't remember what happened. Well, we got you back the wallet.
You got me back the wallet. And thank God, because a lot of fat credit cards.
I hope everybody's listening to this because this goes back to what I was saying about health. Yeah.
You were saying that right before we got on. Yeah.
You were saying you hope COVID comes back. Yes.
Yeah. Stronger.
Because like a gay, it over-promised and under-delivered. You think COVID under-delivered? Compared to what? Compared to what? Compared to what? That's a really good question.
Season 2 of Veep? I mean, you gotta be specific. I know, I'm sorry.
I guess compared to... Difficult people.
Okay. Are you...
Yes. Yeah.
Did you find something ever since?

Matt, come on.

You're right.

I shouldn't even go there.

Did you ever find something since Downton Abbey

that you liked as much?

Yes.

What?

Gilded Age.

Coming up, I was always sort of like sidelined.

Like I was sidelined.

We're going to take a break and not come back.

We're back. We're gonna take a break and not come back We're back The Waltons I don't think I know that Is that about the Walton family? Yeah No no no no It's not like the Walmart Because you were saying before you came on That you love Walmart and the family that...
I love their business model.

Why is that controversial to say?

They're doing very well.

And they're funding O'Mary on Broadway.

Why shouldn't I be proud of them?

And yes, they're funding O'Mary on Broadway.

And I'm very proud of them.

What they're doing is legal.

100%. Yeah, they're cutting corners.
they're underpaying it's legal if you have a problem with them take it up with your president Joe Biden the one you both wanted so bad we did we really did we really didn't I didn't even vote for a misdive. I wrote in...

But I will vote for him.

I wrote in...

Judy Garland.

Trump.

I wrote in Ivanka.

You wrote in Ivanka?

Yeah.

Where is Ivanka?

She'll be hitting the trail.

Will she?

She's in that trail.

Ivanka!

If she came out and was like,

I have been wanting to be on this podcast.

She's like, I want to talk about health In the gay community I bet she does Yeah Jardia Jardia My husband has Jardia He can't get rid of it Jared Jared Jay Kush We can't give him a cool name No No. That's not cool.
That's not cool.

Jay Kush.

Jay Kush.

Well, even Kush, terrible weed name.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't like that.

Ganja?

What about Ganja?

No.

No.

It's bad.

We really haven't come up with something good.

I think Reefer is good.

Molly is so fun.

Do you think Reefer is good?

I think Reefer is funny.

Who has Reefer?

Ew.

I love it.

Let's go smoke Reefer. You love it.
Do that. Matt says it in a fun way you think Reefer's good? I think Reefer's funny.
Who has Reefer? Ew. I love it.
Let's go smoke Reefer.

You love it.

Matt says it in a fun way.

Smoke Reefer.

Let's smoke Reefer.

I got Jared to be saying it too.

Not Kushner.

Jared Frieder.

Frieder.

Jay Fried.

Reefer.

I'm looking at you like

I'm not sure.

Like I'm a crazy guy.

You're like you're a crazy guy.

I um

You love.

What's it like kissing James every night?

Why don't you tell us?

Oh, yeah.

Stop.

Wait, we share a leading man.

We share a leading man.

We share a romantic interest.

Romantic lead.

I'm sorry.

That was my brain.

Not what it used to be.

It's okay.

I think it's getting sharper all the time.

I think you're getting smarter every day and stronger.

Yeah. I gotta say say I love to read I'm reading books again We're taking a European trip and Bowen described the desire to read and I thought that that sounded so boring Yeah It's good so, it was really good for the bad moment that last summer.
Was I, I was probably even boring you to death with it. I was just like, I've been reading a lot.
No. The thing is like, you actually, and this is the scary part.
Ugh. You did not seem different at all.
That is terrifying. It's because he was lying.
It's because it was all a bad moment was like in London and I was like, I have to go somewhere. I can't be here for...
I'm sorry, I keep shaking the table. And then by the time I was in another place and I was among friends or a friend, I was like, this is much better.
So you were lying? Or wait, what are you saying? Yeah. You were lying.
I was lying by the time you got there. Mental health is not real.
And you were saying that. And we're back.
No, you really didn't seem different. That's terrifying.
Do you talk to anyone? No? Yeah. Are you both in Yes.
With each other. With each other? You know what I just started doing? What? E-M-D-R? Uh-huh.
Controversial. Is it controversial? It's controversial.
Well, I can't wait to hear everyone's opinion on it. Can I just say, what I really cannot wait for is for everyone in our beloved community to tell me how I should be doing that.
Well, no, but I didn't mean to undercut. What is controversial about it? It killed JonBenet.
It was EMDR that did it. Yeah.
Wait, why is it controversial? I think it's a relatively new form of therapy. Oh, okay.
It's like, there's a lot of debate. And it killed JonBenet.
Wow. Someone had to.
Matt. Matt.
It's a comedy podcast. Oh my God.
Okay, then be funny. Shit.
God. You said before you came on here, you killed her.
So what the fuck? Oh my God, in the burping. Remember that? In the burping.
What? What was that from? The parents? No, no, no. The guy that killed his wife.
What's it called? That documentary and then he was... The Jinx? The Jinx.
No. No, it's not The Jinx.
The Jinx or was the murder in Boston? No, no, no. That guy that like, he killed his wife and then he was like in a bathroom on a live mic going pee and he's like of course i killed him oh yeah the jinx have you guys seen what jennifer did no what's what jennifer did it's on netflix it's like truly the most it hits hard because it hits close to home for me because it is this asian girl who felt so pressured by her parents to succeed that she killed them? So that hit home for you? That's what you just said.
It wasn't like Cole who said all the nasty things. No, this is on mic I'm saying.
Not that I relate to her wanting to kill her parents or killing her parents. It is this thing of like she must have felt like y's like, y'all, if things did not go a certain way, I would have been...
I would have killed my parents. I would have been in that kind of...
You're saying you get it. Yeah.
You could have seen yourself going down. No, not killing her parents.
Oh my god, this is so crazy. That's not what I'm saying.
Everyone that watched the Mother's Day episode of SNL the other night that said, Oh, look, Bowen's mom. That could have turned out really different.
I'm saying, I'm like, my life turned out. It was so many things aligning.
And it was this. No, I think what you're saying is very cogent.
I think this is good. I'm not saying I wanted to kill my parents.
You're saying you understand the circumstances in which this girl did. You're saying you identify with, sympathize with, and trust her to be president.
You want Trump on Broadway acting and this girl president. What Jennifer did was slay her.
She like a compulsive. She like lied about like going to school because like her parents were like, like it was, it was so crazy.
I love liars. I do have to tell you last night I watched the Lisa Rinna Lifetime movie, Mommy Meanest.
You got to get into it. It's good.
It's based on a true story. It's about a mother who terrorizes her daughter to control her by texting her horrible, vicious things from several burner phones.
This is based on a true story. And Lisa Rinna is just like, well, I don't understand what's happening.
And she's the mom. And she goes in her closet, sits down at her computer and just types.
These soap actresses are so good. The soaps really get people like Julianne Moore came from soaps.
Meg Ryan came from soaps. Who else? There's like a famous...
Oh, Margot Robbie was in Australian Soap. Neighbors.
Isn't that what it's called? Neighbors. And I believe Chris Hemsworth was also on that.
And maybe even Kylie Minogue back in the day. Kylie Minogue was definitely on a soap back in the day.
That's right. Shout out to Kylie Minogue.
Just saw her in Vegas. That was a great show.
Oh, congrats, by the way. Thank you.
I rolled my eyes. I rolled them right back.
Okay. Yeah.
Wait, isn't Bethany Frankel in a Lifetime movie? She is. And it's another thing where it's like, I have a daughter and it's weird.
They really are pivoting to like, it's me against my daughter. Yes.
A lot. And you know what was so bad about this movie was like, it literally just ends with Lisa Rinna, spoiler alert, she just like gets caught.
Yeah. And she doesn't even like change.
She's just like, well, I did it because I want us to be close friends.

Yeah.

And the daughter's like,

you're a fucking crazy person.

She goes to jail for two days,

gets out.

And then the daughter moves out.

That's it.

There's like no,

there's no campy fight.

There's no anything.

I mean,

it's gypsy.

It's gypsy.

It's Trump and gypsy.

Yeah.

I think,

I think we,

we found it right off the bat. It is Trump and Gypsy.
Yeah. I think we found it right off the bat.

It is Trump and Gypsy.

Why did I do it?

Why don't you give me?

Hey, brother, boom.

It's just kind of giving like, what's that bear?

Yogi?

Yogi Bear.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's kind of giving Yogi Bear.

Brad Garrett?

Yeah.

Everybody loves Raymond.

That's really good. That's really good.
Everybody loves Raymond. That's really good.

Everybody loves Raymond.

Yeah, that's really good.

Why don't I do it?

Can you do Patty Heaton?

Why do Kelsey Grammer and I get ostracized for being Republicans?

Uh-huh.

It's actually a really good question.

Why?

Why?

It's just their beliefs.

It's just their beliefs. We'll be right back.

I'm sorry. And we're back.

Well, would you host a talk show?

Yes. Because I

feel like Broadway is

over.

Well, it's over, but I feel like there is something.

You guys got to be careful because this is

my community now.

You're right. Broadway is, I think,

for you, is this fair to say, it's like the goal. It is.
It was always the goal. Yeah.
The secret dream in the back of my mind was always like, that's so cool. Well, how do I get to Broadway? Ugh.
Yeah. This could not have happened.
Everyone thinks I'm joking. No, no.
No, I don't think. Oh, fuck you.
Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I didn't mean that.
No, no, it's okay. Ugly.
It's like, because I remember you saying this to me and Celeste, and then Celeste and I were talking about it afterwards. We were like, oh, that's so cool.
Like, it's amazing. I feel like, I thought every gay person was always just secretly, like, wanting to be on Broadway.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Don't you think? A little bit? I have that dream.
Not quite as much as you guys, but I think, yes, I've had the flash of the fantasy. And honey, you will.
No, no, no. For me, I'm just like, I don't think that's like...
Frost, Nixon. That actually would be good.
I'm Nixon? I think so. I think you have a better Nixon.
I'm not a crook. Oh my god, Slay.
Better than your Trump. Oh my God.

Let me tell you something.

Who is that?

I can't wait to get to Broadway.

Who is that?

I don't know.

It's sort of like,

who is it?

It's like you doing Fallon doing the Trump?

But it's like a cartoon villain.

Like, I can't,

it's not Jafar,

but it's almost Jafar.

To get back on track.

It's very cool that you're doing Broadway

and is the fantasy to stay there for the rest of your life.

I would like to keep working in theater.

Why just 12 weeks?

I work with a numerologist who,

she's very powerful, this woman.

Her shoulders are so broad. You think it's because of the numerology? yeah she's got this kind of sexy kind of ooh yeah she's got this sexy gait she just walks real bow legged and I love her and she said 12 she looked at me and she said 12.

Is it actually the goal for you?

Like,

because I saw you

talking about this

on Stradio Lab,

like someone else

would do it?

I would love for someone else

to play Mary.

Really?

Yeah.

And do you,

would you want like

some like A-list person

to drop in?

I don't care

as long as they're like,

I would want them

to be like good

and funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dream is Titus Burgess oh my god I mean like in a way that almost would make me be like wait maybe you're too good don't don't it wouldn't be that would be different that's what I was gonna say but that would be good and like thrilling but like yeah imagine imagine yeah totally Yeah, and I can picture how Titus' wig would be different too.
Like the stupid curls. Have you had so many conversations with people where they cast it at you? No.
Really? No. Why? Do you want to start? Sure.
Yeah. I mean, frankly, you'd be great.
No. Yeah.
No, I wouldn't. But you don't think I'd be good? As Mary? Hey! No, I'm thinking.
I think you'd be a good Mary's teacher. Yeah.
You have the skull. If I had to cast you in the show, it would be as...
If I had to. If I had to.
Gun to my head. Leading man.
Gun to my head, I would just tell them to shoot but I would say I can't cast Matt in this show I would say just shoot me but no don't actually feel bad for me that makes it real you monster don't be like this is my friend breaking down, crying, weeping. God damn it.
You really are driving us apart. I really...
They hate us together. If Bowen's Mary, then I would want you to be Mary's teacher.
I think he'd be the Mary's teacher. But I can also see a world where you're Mary and you're Abe.
I would love to... See, I think I'm better cast as Abe.
You put all your little Asian guys as Abe, don't you? Yeah, you were saying earlier before on Mike that you fetishized them. Yeah, I do.
Not to put her, not because of Titus, it's like within that circle, but I think Krakowski. I was just going to say, Dan Krakowski.
Iconic. Yeah.
I mean, oh my my god wouldn't Sedaris want to do it absolutely god that should be amazing she would crush but I would love to write plays I would love to keep writing plays for other people to be in I mean what's very cool is that I think it's like at this point you just get to do anything and everything. I don't know.
Can we be earnest? The industry is really amazing. That's true.
The industries are really amazing right now. Yeah.
Everyone's really excited and everyone is happy. Earnestly? Yeah.
Nobody deserves it more. Yeah.
Nobody deserves it more. Fuck you.
No.

Because I'm not doing this.

You are not the host of this podcast.

It's my podcast and sometimes it gets earnest.

Thanks.

I hate that word though.

Earnest?

Yeah.

Deserve.

Deserve.

Oh, sure.

Because we all deserve.

Of course.

Everyone deserves.

Can I say something?

No.

No.

I guess...

You are... You are...
The sister you never have. You are.
Whatever. You know you're our idol.
Yes. Stop it.
I mean, it is perfect. It's also...
I mean, watching the show... It's the best thing that's ever happened to me in my whole life.
This show being produced. And I'm trying to like soak up everything that's happening right now.
Because I know soon my turn will be over. And that's fine.
We all get a turn. And we get to the back of the line.
And we wait and we wait and we wait. And then we get our turn.
Well, you got to get Fast Pass. This is why you need to go to Epcot with us.
Oh my God. You gazed at your Disney.
Cut every line. Yeah.
Okay, fine. I'll go to Epcot.
Honestly, one day. One day.
The next time we're on one of our eight-day trips. Here's why I wouldn't go.
I don't want to be on a plane about it. It's a three-hour situation.
I don't want to take a plane about it. But I don't want to go to the airport, get on a plane, be at the airport, get my luggage all for Epcot.
Like if I was in wherever, where is it? Orlando, Florida. Exactly.
And I, if I was in Orlando. They would love O'Mary down in Orlando, by the way.
Of course. Yes.
Liars course. Yes.
Liars, both of you. No.
I smell it. Seeping out of your pores.
The lies. The weed.
The weed. The marijuana.
The pot. You two pot smokers.
I've had enough of you two pot smokers. I've had enough of us, too, to be quite honest.
But I would go to Epcot if I was in Orlando already. Alright, okay.
So we just have to figure out a way to trap Cole. Get me in Orlando.
Entrapment. Central Florida.
We can do it. What's that face for? I don't know.
I don't know if I can do it. I don't know about, like, really Florida in general.
What a hell of a drug. But yeah, you do have to kind of go there to go to Disney World.
So that's I guess where we're rubbing up. It's just, it's the plane.
Correct. It's the airports.
You don't like to fly? I don't like it. It's very scary.
Yeah. Because growing up I just, I never got to soar.

And to be that high, like, it's like everything.

It reminds me of like what I didn't get growing up.

And I'm sorry, I have to go poop really bad. We'll be right back.
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This episode is supported by FX's Dying for Sex, starring Michelle Williams and Jenny Slate.

Inspired by a true story, this series follows Molly,

who after receiving a terminal cancer diagnosis,

decides to leave her husband and explore the full breath

Thank you. Michelle Williams and Jenny Slate.
Inspired by a true story, this series follows Molly, who after receiving a terminal cancer diagnosis, decides to leave her husband and explore the full breadth of her sexual desires. She gets the courage and support to go on this sex quest from her best friend Nikki, who stays by her side through it all.
FX is dying for sex. All episodes streaming April 4th on Hulu.
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p-towntourism.com. Provincetown, we're gonna see you there.
Catch the new Hulu original comedy, Mid-Century Modern, from the creators of Will & Grace, executive producer Ryan Murphy, and director Jamesroughs. When three best friends move in together, Palm Springs will never be the same.
Bunny, Jerry, and Arthur are already close friends, but when they decide to live together, it's a new chapter with a new family. And speaking of family, don't forget Bunny's mom, Sybil, who's along for the ride.
Whether it's a trip to Fire Island or a local congresswoman with a wild side, these roomies know how to do it with style. They're fun, they're fabulous, and they're turning life's lemons into spiked lemonade.
So shake up a batch of cocktails, relax by the pool, and get ready for some serious shade. A new comedy with heart, soul, and sass, Mid-Century Modern stars Nathan Laid, Matt Bomer, Nathan Lee Graham, and Linda Lavin.
All episodes of Mid-Century Modern are now streaming on Hulu. Are you pooping a lot? I do poop a lot.
That's good. You poop a lot? I'm a vegan.
So all of this really supports the idea that I've had, which is that Cole, not to actually earnestly get on health, but I find you to be very healthy. Thank you for saying that.
Overall. It's one of my main initiatives, going to Broadway.
Make Broadway healthy again. Bring healthy back.
Bring health back to Broadway. People think, oh, capitalism's ruining theater because ticket prices are...
Right. I think we eat right.
We get the good eight hours of sleep we need. Finances will catch up.
Do you sleep well because you eat well? I don't sleep well. You don't sleep well? I stay up every night till 5 a.m.
Seriously? Yeah, no matter what. What time do you get up? If I'm on my own, I'll wake up at, like if I have nowhere to be, three.
Really? So you're nocturnal. Nocturnal.
Always have been. Does that bother you that you don't see the morning? Yes.
What do we do? I don't know. Birding.
Birding? Birding. Like when poop comes out.
This has been a thing. This has been a thing with bones.
Oh, you want to like go look at birds. Look at birds.
I've thought about that because I need a hobby. It's actually...
Do bird? I've started to. Do an app.
I have an app. Merlin is the one that the Cornell Institute of Ornithology or whatever, like they have a department.
Oh, they're really problematic actually. No, they're like...
Well, because you're the president you were saying of them before you got on. And it's been your mission.
Yeah.

To problematize.

To kill the birds.

Kill the birds.

To bits.

Mary?

Well, I mean, it's interesting because that feeds into my I don't think song.

You sang that song at Queers Live.

I did.

Oh, that was so fun.

It means a lot to me.

Should we do that again? We should do it again. It means a lot to me that you came to the show.
Thank you. It really means a lot.
What if we did Queers Live at like Radio City Musical? Yeah. Let's do it.
Let's do it. They offered, actually, we were offered a show at this other thing.
Maybe we should do Queers Live. Maybe we should do that.
That's fun. That could be really fun.
In Orlando? In Orlando. And then that's when we get you.
Yeah. If you can get me to Orlando for a gig,

I'll go to Epcot with you.

Okay.

But really quickly,

I've gone birding for,

Oh yeah.

For just like,

And?

For curiosity.

So much fun.

Where do you go?

The parks?

Prospect Park,

Vale of Cashmere.

So literally like historic cruising spot,

but it is the best spot for birding.

It's so funny.

Sure.

Yeah.

My husband said that too. Peckers about.
Oh, honey, I was just looking for a bird. Next thing I know, I've got Giardia.
This character is a caricature. Yeah.
It's so fun. Get a nice pair of binoculars and then you go in the mornings and it's all these old- How much were they? How much were they? The binoculars.
Go ahead. I actually bought a mid-price.

I mean, they do go crazy. I bought like

80 bucks. Oh my god.
They were only 300 dollars.

They're expensive.

I bought one for 80 bucks and then

you go there, it's all these old women, but the activity

itself is free and the old women there are

compared to... You gotta be careful

with these words. Boomer.
How about that?

Generational. You can't...
Okay. Are they stupid? in a group.

Well,

there's,

it seems like there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's,

there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, compared to... You gotta be careful with these words.
Boomer. How about that? Generational.
You can't...

Okay.

Are they stupid

or are they like

in a group?

Well,

it seems like

there's a lot of walks.

There's like a queer birding group

and there's like,

you know,

like whatever,

like different...

Queer birding group.

Queer birding group.

It's already redundant.

Redundant.

But

then there's like

all these like guys

with cameras.

But it's like nice.

It's like you get all types

and it's free.

Guys with cameras.

Guys,

ugh,

God. That makes me so horny.
I love guys with cameras. I love's like nice.
It's like you get all types and it's free. Guys with cameras.
Guys. Ugh.
God. That makes me so horny.
I love guys with cameras. I love.
Oh my God. To be lensed.
And it's just four different people telling you like, there's a Scarlet Tanager today. Oh, like they're like pointing it out to you.
Or it's like they're politely being like, do you see? There's a, there's a Nuthatch today. It's so sweet.
It's very sweet. And you go, I heard, I heard..
And then leave me alone. Leave me alone.
No, no, no. It's not even that.
And then, and then I'm sorry. Looking at a bird up close in the binoculars in 3D space as the light's hitting it.
It is like incredible. Yeah.
And that sounds more healthy than like gambling. Totally.
But it's the same. It feeds the same impulse.
It feeds the same impulse. It's like, I want to, I want to win.
I want to catch the thing. And it's like, all you're doing is looking at a bird.

You're looking at a bird and then you think, who's that going to hurt?

Exactly.

It's really nice.

They want their privacy.

It's one of those things.

It's one of those hobbies where I'm like, why the fuck do people get into this?

And then you do it once and you're like, oh, I get it.

I promise.

And it seems like it would be something fun to add to traveling. Like if you're traveling and you're like, ooh, I'm going to see what kind of birds they have here.
A big yellow. A big yellow.
Oh, the big yellow. I went to Canada and I saw all the big yellows.
I'm genuinely excited to do that when I go. This will loop back around to activity I can't do because of colorblindness.
No, I'm colorblind as well. You actually are? I am.
I can't tell the difference between green and brown a lot of the time. Neither can I.
Yeah. It's because you're red-green colorblind, right? Same.
So when I was a kid, I would color the tree... Sorry.
Okay. I would color the trunks of the trees green and the leaves brown.
And I would get points knocked off. Yeah.
Minus two. And there were only a few points.
And there's only, yeah, like 10 points. My sister, I used to think she had green hair all my life.
Yeah. Because she had brown hair and it looked green to me and I thought peanut butter was green I probably still do to be honest blue and purple it's impossible same forget it sometimes weird ones like orange have you ever worn those glasses yes but they're a scam oh don't you think I've never tried them I was gonna say like oh that would've been a fun thing for us today.
But they're a scam. Honestly, we did a Secret Santa and my one friend got me those glasses and it ended up being like, I put them on and I'm like, well, if this is what everyone sees normally, it's hell.
And I just thought, because you know those red glasses? Right. I just saw like red.
Like I didn't see anything new. I wonder if they bought the cheap ones or something.
I mean, certainly. Who is this friend? Name them.
Chris Schleicher. Chris Schleicher.
Oh, Chris, you cheap bastard. Totally.
But also... He got me a set, though, at the same time.
It wasn't the only gift. He got me a shirt.
What is it? So you little... Your daddy's spoiled little brat.
Yes. Always have been, always will be.
Never will change. I love a brat.
It's so fun. Mary's kind of a brat.
Total brat. Total brat.
I'm a brat. I know that about you.
Yeah.

They demanded a very nice hotel room.

Did they?

In Amsterdam

and I gave it.

Yeah.

The Sofitel?

Sofitel.

Did we get breakfast

the next day?

No.

We did.

Yeah.

Great breakfast.

I love breakfast.

I think maybe

my favorite city

that I've been to

that I've been to.

Amsterdam.

Breakfast is great. Amsterdam.
London's's great keep naming cities well I like I forgot the rest um I loved Bruges actually Kentucky I like California I love Atlantic Ocean it's time for I don't think so honey um just before our friend really embarrasses themselves oh I'm in a cave. I'm doing a thing with a cup.
Golly. It's a visual medium.
You look silly. We got cameras since you've last been on.
Now, this is I don't think so, honey. One thing hasn't changed.
One thing hasn't changed. We still do this goddamn segment.
Okay. I don't think so, honey.
We rant and rave against something in pop culture that's not so great to us no and I had an experience this weekend and I would like to talk about it okay tough tough couple days for my girl this is Matt Rogers I don't think so honey his time starts now I don't think so honey if you show up to a theme party and you don't have anything on that's the theme maybe they're coming from work and it's no did I tell you something stop it okay because i haven't even been in i hadn't even been doing that for 10 seconds and you sided with all of them and that says a lot about what's going to happen going forward you're going to side with them outside of this dynamic and i agree with cole i'm sick of us because if you're going to keep doing this i'm seconds into my my I don't think so. I'm doing a really good one

that no one's ever talked about before,

which is that as a theme party,

people should address the theme

and you undermine me.

Just sit there and count down

how much time I have left during my time.

How about that?

I'm sick of you.

At a theme party,

let's say the theme is New Year's Eve.

I want to see a couple of hats and glasses,

please, for Christ's sake, because I show up. If you do that again, we're going to have a huge problem.
This podcast is over. I agree.
I don't think so, honey. That's one minute.
Now, wait, hold on. Was the theme New Year's Eve? Because that's fun if it's not.
It was Tom Nye's birthday party held at the house of Tom Nye and Matt Whitaker.

And they had a New Year's Eve themed 30th birthday for Thomas.

And I show up and I don't know if that everyone is too cool, but no one was doing the theme.

And I looked silly in a white jacket, fun glasses.

And a vest. No, you did look silly.

And I'm the only one dressed for the theme. And then I get looked once over by everyone and I'm like, it's the theme.
Oh, I don't like, see if it's a party and gay guys are there and they once over you. Give me a break.
Get out. Stop it.
It's like I'm dressed perfect and y'all just look like you put a flannel on and rolled out of bed. You're on your way to Animal afterwards.
I get it. They're ordinary.
Everyone wants to look their best for Animal. The sip and twirl of Brooklyn.
I want to apologize to you. That would be appropriate, I think.
I'm really sorry if you were offended. You almost had me there.
Girl almost had me thinking well I'm really sorry for interrupting you I didn't mean to do that no that's okay you were right and I don't mean to bring a past you know what oh my god that I interrupt you equivalent equivalent equivalent justices no 100% you know what happens is Cole what sometimes Iffeinated for the podcast and I get excited. Yeah.
And especially when we have a guest that I'm really excited to talk to and really into, I will often do the most to say the least. But can I tell you, I don't mind.
And people seem to think that I have a problem with you kind of getting over-enthusiastic and it's like, that's what I love. And I really don't care.
Yeah. It's called a podcast, bitch.
When they go for Bowen, I'm like, why are you infantilizing, Bowen? Like, I'm just like... I'm a child.
To them, it seems like, it's like Bowen Yang, if Bowen Yang ever thought that I was out of pocket, I have heard it and I would hear it. And I would think that that's something we share.
Bowen loves diapers, wearing diapers. We were talking about this yesterday.
Me, Josh Sharp, Max Wittert at a party. And we were saying that people, we just want to try one day where we're in adult diapers.
Just to see what it's like. Because the models on adult diapers are just, the way they cast models for adult diapers is so amazing because it is these people.
Well, I've been in those rooms. Oh yeah, and you never booked.
Right. But it's people who, and this is why you didn't book, is because it's people who look happy, healthy.
And now you look better. But back then you probably looked really gaunt.
I was drinking and trying to get work as a diaper model and that was my low. That was my rock bottom.
I was hung over, you know, lost my phone, lost my wallet. I would show up to these castings, put on that diaper.
It's, you know, me and Gina Davis up for the same spot. That's tough.
And she's, you know, the picture of health. Yeah.
The picture of health. Academy Award winner.

Academy Award winner.

Gonna be very believable on the diaper.

Absolutely.

And, you know.

She's Thelma.

Yeah.

But then, of course, neither of us got it because that's how this fucked up industry...

I'm sorry.

I gotta say it.

Well, I have to tell you something.

What?

She booked it.

They just...

They replaced her with the Coke bear.

They put the Coke bear over her.

The cocaine bear?

Yeah. Yes.
From Elizabeth Banks' movie. Mm' movie.
But can I tell you something? What? Now with this play, World's Your Oyster. It really is.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Wait, you really, but you want to wear, like, would you wear the diaper, like, in life, like, under your pants? In life.
Like, just walk around. Just to walk around.
Would you Would you pee pee? Yeah. For sure.
If you're going to wear it, use it. You might as well use it.
I don't know if I would poop though. I think I would pee all over myself, but I don't know if I'd poop on myself.
We just want to try one night at the club. Listeners are going to hate this episode.
It's so much poop. I'm telling you guys right now.
I have to say, it would be right in line with how they felt about our other episodes recently. So that's actually okay.
All right. I have something.
Yeah. I have an I don't think so.
Oh, that's great. And this is...
Oh, not three missed calls. Uh-oh.
Oh, God. That's always a little disconcerting.
You know what I mean? I can wait. Okay.

Well.

Where are they from?

I'll never know because it's like random numbers.

It always gives me a little bit of anxiety.

No, no, no.

Okay, this is Boneyang.

I never was.

I don't think so, honey.

And it's time starts now.

I don't think so, honey.

Pills.

You want me to put what?

Where?

In my mouth?

Here's what my mouth is for.

Smiling.

Saying a nice compliment to a friend. You look amazing today, both of you.
How are you going to get better when you get sick? Sucking. Fucking.
Rimming. No.
Not for swallowing a little rock that might not make me better. It might actually make me feel worse.
This mouth is exit only. That's right.
Nothing goes in. If I have my druthers, my perfect day is if nothing goes into my mouth.
If only stuff comes out like a funny joke, a word. 15 seconds.
Vomit. I'll say it.
Just kidding. I need to eat but pills make everything

a vaccine

or actually

I would love

a microchip in me

if you could just

download a cure

to the brain

that's one minute

that was a mess

that was perfect

well

seems like that

was polarizing

let me tell you something

I'm gonna get emotional

go there

if you get sick

you better take pills

because I know

it's been very tense

between us today

but if you

anything ever happened to you Thank you. I'm going to get emotional.
Go there. If you get sick, you better take pills.

Because I know it's been very tense

between us today.

But if anything ever happened to you,

I would not be able to continue on.

And I'm not going to let Cole

get between us.

You really have dripped the wedge.

By the way,

we now know

Bo and Yang eats with his butthole.

Can you eat with your butthole?

I'm sure.

I'm trying tonight. Desperately out here.
Okay. Okay.
I like this dance. Okay.
Worming. Now that's the anus.
Let's warm up our bodies. That feels good, actually.
Relax. Roll our shoulders back.
Do you do little warm-ups before every show? I do. That's good.
Conrad really has taught me a lot about... I think that's a pro.
He's a pro about, like, protecting and, yeah. He's not even, like, actively teaching me.
I'm just, like, watching him going by the door. He's just, Cole, here's how you do cat-cow.
That was so mean. That was so mean, Matt.
He thought that was racist. Cat-cow, that's a Tagalog thing.
Ooh. Yikes, you better cut that.
You better cut that. Can I say in a real way? Yes.
What happened with Fear Lies Love at the Tonys? It got blank. Thank you.
Isn't that weird? Thank you. It was so good.
I guess an overcrowded season. Was it though? Or just like a lot of shows? I don't know.
It was such a beloved show. It was so good.
It was so original. And then I was like, when I saw that it got almost nothing, I was like, oh, maybe it wasn't eligible.
Maybe it was last year and then it was fully eligible. It was eligible, but you know, it's like summer movies, how they're like less likely to get nominated for Oscars.
People didn't remember it? Yeah, I guess.

Or I don't know.

That's the only explanation.

Right, right, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like it just was like totally blanked across the board pretty much.

I was like, that's so surprising.

Yeah.

So this is actually going to be Kola Skolas.

And they said that it has to do with Feed the Birds, Tep and Sbag.

Something along those lines. Another Mary.

Yeah.

Very interesting.

Well, this is Kola Skolas. I don't think so, Honey.
And their time starts now. I Don't Think So, Honey.
The scene in Mary Poppins where they go to the bank. The movie is six hours long.
It is. That scene comes in at hour five.
Right. Takes up another hour.
They get a song. The men get a song.
And I understand the point of that scene is to be boring to show like, oh, they need Mary Poppins. This is boring.
30 seconds. You know what? Thematically, have that scene have no music.
Yeah. You know? Right.
It's Mary brings the music in. And for that matter, no music before she comes in either.
Okay? Yeah. You know? Except for maybe the children to show that they want music.
Yeah. You know? Because when was the last time you watched Mary Poppins? I watched The Returns.
No, but this doesn't count. It's been a while.
You haven't watched it because you're scared of that bank scene. That's what I'm saying.
And're so right. And can I tell you something? The whole arc of Mary Poppins, that movie, is like not to bring drugs in again.
It is like, it's all a come down after they go to cartoons. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious world.
Pot come down. It's like that classic when you're coming down off of pot Feeling And you're like shaking And you have those shakes And you're like Your teeth hurt And you're like oh my god why did I smoke all that pot She's a drug addict Why did I wake and bake Why did I wake and bake and fly in? Yeah, that classic.
She was like, whoo! Fucking stupid. And Mary Poppins is so fucking dumb.
Racist. You were saying before, just like every woman.
You said that before. Mary Poppins is so dumb, just like every crazy hysterical woman.
Now... I'm so mad.
Julie Andrews... Drag her! Can get Drag her Julie Andrews can fuck I bet You know what's crazy What? She has fucked And you know You think about Julie Andrews And you don't think about fucking But then not everyone Has seen Victor Vittoria Her career after Sound of Music was I need to like Let go of this girl I think she made a movie Blake Edwards where she was like topless.
She made several movies. Right after.
And there's a lot of subtext in Princess Diaries about how she's a nymphomaniac. I don't think so.
Honey. Can I coin a phrase? I don't think so.
Honey. That was the Kelsey brothers.
Now it's done. Now I just feel silly about the whole I don't think so honey thing.

Can I say something, though?

Yeah.

I think today, this podcast and you guys are back.

Thank you so much.

A lot of people are going to say that.

We've had a fallow period.

I'm not even kidding.

A lot of people are going to say they're back.

You guys are back.

And I want you to be friends.

Earlier, I wanted you guys to not be friends. Can I tell you something? What? There's nothing you could have said that would have come between us.
Sorry. Really? Wow, that really made me scared.
Really? Because, really? What do you know? Well, should I? Don't. Yeah.
Don't. That's the dichotomy, Bowen.
Don't want me. Yeah.
Did I? No. No, I really just, I was worried and now I'm not.
Thank you. You're welcome.
I hope this episode inspired confidence. And I hope it inspired, period.
Period. And I hope it inspires.
Go see what? Wicked? Oh, Mary. Go see Wicked the movie and Oh, Mary on Broadway.
How do you think Wicked the movie is going to be? Pretend he's not here Oh I can't wait I really can't and I've never seen it on stage You've never seen it on stage? I know I would I know I would You gotta go It's that thing where I forget that You can just go In fact I'm like I don't have tickets I'm like Oh You get tickets You get tickets I was gonna say you should go tonight But it's Monday And famously They're dark Broadway's dark Except Oh Mary will not be dark on Mondays in the summer Wow Perfect Perfect So then what So then when are you dark then? Sundays You did tell me this Yeah That Yeah. That's so genius.
Is that strategy? No, Conrad's like very, very, very, very religious. I'm kidding.
I was like trying to stretch my mind and remember if that was true. No way.
It's deeply not. Deeply not.
He's such a heathen. Oh, yeah.
He really is a heathen. He believes in like upending all social norms.
Yeah. Yeah.
Chaos. Yeah.
This is a Judeo-Christian podcast by the way so we have to sort of float away from that. Yeah.
You did inspire me to go see Hello Dolly! by myself. Wait, where? Because when Bernadette was on.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yes. I think you and I had a conversation and I was like I gotta go.
I never went. I couldn't afford it at the time.
It was like, I could not get tickets and couldn't afford it. And I feel so fucking crazy that I didn't go see that.
I feel that way about Patti and Gypsy. Yeah.
Oh, I did see that. I couldn't afford tickets at the time.
You know what's weird? I saw a matinee of it. She was phoning it in, you said.
At the time, I was like, she was marking. And I felt crazy thinking that.
But like. I think she was.
Well, I'm Laura Benanti crush. That show is.
I can't imagine doing that eight times. See, and that's why I don't go to matinees.
And it's no shade. And I'm sure everyone does.
But I also think that the performers know what I'm talking about. You know what I mean? Like, you're not giving out a Wednesday matinee.
When I see a play, I see it on a Thursday night. Yeah.
Oh, great.

Why do you think Thursday night is the best?

I am always like, oh, weekends, that's too many shows.

They might be tired.

Tuesday, they're just coming back.

Yeah.

Wednesday, sometimes they have a matinee and then they have an evening show.

Thursday is perfect. So Thursday is right before that weekend show.

They've had enough time to, you know.

For you, that'll be Wednesday.

Having done several weeks off Broadway.

When do you feel strongest?

It doesn't matter.

I don you know. For you, that'll be Wednesday.
Having done several weeks off Broadway. When do you feel strongest? It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter.
Like some days I'm like, oh my God, that Sunday matinee was amazing. Some days I'm like, oh, Friday night.
It really is like. So then that's how Patty was.
I mean, listen, it's Patty. I don't need to be convinced at all.
Like, I was just like, oh, I think because I was with my family, I think,

and at the time, like, always, but we were being sort of like, you know,

cognizant about how much we were spending on it.

They were like, oh, let's go to a Wednesday matinee or whatever it was.

And I remember leaving being like, oh, I wish that that could have lived up to

what my little gay brain made it,

which was absolute roaring performance of a lifetime

at all times.

It could have been the audience, too.

It absolutely could have.

Patty, we love you.

One of the best of us.

Patty, we love you.

We want you to live.

We want you to live.

Corky, we love you.

We want you to live.

A line that we quote all the time from Waiting for Guffman.

Yeah.

Good one.

Corky, we love you.

We want you to live.

It's so funny. Catherine O'Hara

would be a great Mary. Oh my

God!

Oh my God. So would

Parker. So would Parker.
So would Parker.

Oh my God. I mean...

But she's off doing White Lotus right now.

No, she's not.

Oh. She was fired.

Oh. Oh my

gosh. Chaotic behavior.
Oh no. Personal personal differences you're kidding guys I'm kidding okay April Fool's you know what I love to say you're kidding you're kidding you can do it so many different ways I'm auditioning for you because I really want you to want to cast me in the show.
You want me to cast... You want me to want you as Mary.
No, that's not what I said. Yes.
No, I don't want that. And...
I don't think I'm right for it. No, yes, you are.
I think, yes, you are. Yes, you are.
And the right casting is me as Abe and Mary's husband. No.
I'm not going to say it. Cool.
Whenever I get auditions, I'm always thinking like, oh, Gideon Glick should get this. Oh, Matt Rogers should get this.
I feel that way all the time. Yeah, but actually less as of late.
As of late, I'm kind of like, hey. I'm in my bag.
Like, I actually have a big audition this week, and I actually think, no, I don't think there's anyone that could do it like me.

Wait, but I don't think

you will get that one.

No, it's too soon.

It's too soon.

Yeah, you're right.

You're not ready.

It's too soon.

It's too big an opportunity.

I only just started.

Yeah.

Well, listen.

No, you have to kiss

a lot of frogs before you...

You sure do, queen.

You sure do, queen.

We are three neophytes here. Am I too mean? No.
No. Okay mean enough? I love being mean.
This is Broadway, baby. You watch your back or you wash your mouth.
You know what? I'm actually at work. I'm upset for you.
Why? Actually, no, I'm not because you're going to have Sundays off. This is a real thing.
You have to go see the Sunset Boulevard with Nicole Scherzinger. Wait, is that coming here?

Yes.

Oh my God.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Sundays.

I'm telling you, I went in the West End.

It was so great.

She is perfect in it.

The concept that they went for, Jamie Lloyd, really good.

It's an all queer cast, right?

I wish that were so. Right? Just because they were gorge.
It's all queer cast, right? You're kidding. It's Queers Live.
It's Queers Live, right? That's what I was talking about. It's like a fully queer crew.
Everyone on the team is queer. Is AMAB.
AMAB. What's that? A? aside male at birth Bowen is the face of AMAP I'm the face of AMAP wait but something I do want to say is I need everyone to buy tickets to Bernadette Peters on Fire Island wait oh is that happening? that's happening I need everyone to buy tickets so that they add a Sunday show.
Yes. Because it's on a Saturday.
But I think maybe it already is sold out. It's on a Saturday in June or July.
But that's what they did for Patti last year. They sold out so quickly that they just added a Sunday show.
I need to know which... Maybe Bernadette wouldn't want to add a second show.
But I would... But I'm dying to see her.
This is... Look to the camera.
Like, make your... Please.
Mom. Dad.
Add a day. She's talking to me.
At a day. At a day of Bernadette Peters on Fire Island.
Growing up. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Yeah.
That would be amazing. Yeah.
I mean, we saw Patty. We saw Patty.
I saw her twice. I saw both nights.
Oh, yeah. You were there.
You were there that weekend. I don't know how, who got me in.
I bought the ticket for the second night. The first night.
I bought tickets. I need to know what day it's happening because we're...
You gotta go. He's not gonna be there that June.
Well, Bowen's working all of June, but I'm gonna be there. Doing what? People's Court? Yeah.
Oh, you would be great as like a judge on one of those shows. Well, he's not very fair.
He barely even let me get me through my I don't think so, honey. But you have to be more entertaining than fair.
Right. You're so right.
Yeah. And if there's one thing Bowen is, it's entertaining.
Entertaining. Yeah.
As in making, you know, dishes. He's going to show his butt in a movie.
You hear about that? That's why I've been going to do it. You're going to see squats and hip thrusts.
I've never seen my butt whole. And keep it that way.
Because of the hair. Because of the hair and but just it's the color.
Is it real hairy down there? Producers are puking by the way. All the producers are puking by the way.
They're all fired. They're all fired.
We have to end the episode I believe. Oh no.
Because there's But I just wanted to read a book For you guys Instead of us Ending every episode with a song Can you end the episode with an excerpt From a book? Yeah Success is counted sweetest By those who ne'er succeed To comprehend a nectar Requiresrest need. Not one of all the purple host who took the flag today can tell the definition so clear of Victor A as he defeated dying on whose forbidden ear the distant strains of triumph ring agonized and clear.
That was J.K. Rowling.

Yes.

Speaking about trans rights.

Bye.

Bye.

Lost Culturist is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeartRadio Podcast.

Created and hosted by Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.

Executive produced by Anna Hosnier and Hansani.

Produced by Becca Ramos. Edited and mixed by Doug Bame and Monique LeBorg.
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