Glazed and Confused (Live from Chicago!)

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Hello! Hello, Chicago. Hello.

I just spent four days complaining about people not riding the applause.

So shut the fuck up.

We have business to attend. Welcome to Love It or Leave It.
It is great to be back at the Vic. It has been a joyous week here at the Democratic National Convention.
And that's not just because Obama patted me on the head and called me a good boy. Tonight, Kamala Harris returns, and she has an optimistic

hangover. Liz Winstead and Marcella Arguello dive nose first into Republican desperation.

Then malort expert Josh Noel helps us raise our spirits. But first, let's get into it.

What a week. Look at this.
You guys are pumped up. The DNC kicked off on Monday with high energy speeches that ran wildly behind schedule and an emotional send off to President Biden.
Personally, I thought pushing him into the Chicago River on that little wooden barge and then shooting flaming arrows into it was a little over the top. But ratings are ratings.
AOC brought the house down with a barn burner of a speech. And I, for one, am tired of hearing about how a two-bit union buster thinks of himself as more of a patriot than the woman who fights every single day to lift working people out from under the boots to breed, traveling on our way of life.
What a speech.

Can you imagine being Joe Biden, knowing you have to follow this? It's like if the 60s Rolling Stones opened for present-day Joni Mitchell. Vice President Kamala Harris made a surprise appearance.
This is going to be a great week. And I want to kick us off by celebrating our incredible President Joe Biden, who will be speaking later tonight.
Joe, thank you for your historic leadership, for your lifetime of service to our nation, and for all you will continue to do. We are forever grateful to you.
Thank you, Joe. Thank you, Joe, she said as she lifted the political pillow off the face of his presidency.
Hillary Clinton stopped by to analyze Trump's treatment of Kamala.

He's mocking her name and her laugh.

Sounds familiar.

But we have him on the run now.

Picture in a giant Hillary Clinton chasing around a tiny Donald

Trump with a net.

Then Hillary Clinton's stare became

as ice, and she looked

directly into the camera and intoned,

Donald, it's time for you to Pokemon

go to hell.

Meanwhile, over on CNN, Nancy Pelosi

had this to say when Jake Tapper asked her

about her reportedly strained relationship

Thank you. Meanwhile, over on CNN, Nancy Pelosi had this to say when Jake Tapper asked her about her reportedly strained relationship with President Biden.
It does seem like there's some residual bad blood or resentment. And I'm wondering if you've spoken to him and what your response is to that.
Sometimes you just have to take a punch for the children. Pelosi better be careful if she keeps this up.

I just might fall in love with her. Nancy Pelosi is getting cooler with every passing day.
I think she's in pussy right now. Is that possible? President Biden, of course, closed out the

evening, reflecting on his legacy and passing the torch to Harris in the late night address.

I've got five months left in my presidency. I've got a lot to do.

I intend to get it done. It's been the honor of my lifetime to serve as your president.

I love the job, but I love my country more.

Joe Biden loves this country more than I love anything,

except maybe my smoking hot girlfriend, Nancy Pelosi.

Biden then said that selecting Kamala as his VP

was the best decision of his career,

and he made a little joke.

And like many of our best presidents, she was also vice president. That's a joke.
When he's on, he's on, and when he's off, not our business anymore. Not my problem.
Biden pledged his full support to the Harris campaign, promising that he'd be the best volunteer Harris and Waltz had ever seen. Continued Biden, sure, it's going to take me several tries to join the training Zoom, and then I'll be on there unmuted while Jill is using a juicer behind me.
But after the host has manually muted me, best volunteer you've ever seen. Reflecting on his legacy, Biden capped off his speech by quoting a verse from the song American Anthem by Gene Shearer.
The work and prayers of centuries have brought us to this day. What shall our legacy be? What will our children say? Let me know in my heart, when my days are through, America, America, I gave my best to you.
You're the red, white, and blue of the funny things you do. America, America, this is you.

Stirring stuff.

On night two, second gentleman, Doug Emhoff, spoke about awkwardly calling the vice president after their first date.

I got Kamala's voicemail and I just started rambling.

Hey, it's Doug. I'm on my way to an early meeting.
Again, it's Doug. I remember I was trying to grab the words out of the air and just put them back in my mouth.
Ah, reminds me of the message I left for Jill, said President Biden. Jill, it's Joe.
Stop. Are you free Friday? Stop.
Sad news about the Titanic. Stop.
Stop. All right.
Meanwhile, meanwhile,

Vice President Harris

and Governor Tim Walz

held their rally in Milwaukee,

packed out the same venue

where the RNC was held last month.

They did have to wake up Rudy Giuliani

and chew him out of there with a broom.

And they think he may have had babies. But after that...
I'm so tired. All right.
But the... But the stars of Tuesday evening were, of course, the Obamas.
Here's President Obama hammering Donald Trump. There's the childish nicknames, the crazy conspiracy theories, this weird obsession with crowd sizes.

That's the beauty of a great performance,

which is Shakespeare,

hundreds of years old, you can find something in the text. That was not on the page.

He found that

in the text.

Incredible. What a performer.

A subtle

dick choke. A refined dick joke.
A refined dick joke. A sophisticated...

Dick joke. This man simply will not stop making history.

Said the former president.

It is one of the oldest tricks in politics.

From a guy whose act has, let's face it, gotten pretty stale.

We do not need four more years of bluster and bumbling and chaos. We have seen that movie before, and we all know that the sequel is usually worse.
Kate Blanchett angrily throws the script for Tartu against the wall. But not because she's angry at Obama.
She's angry that he's right. And then there was Michelle Obama with an absolute blockbuster speech.
Here she is praising Kamala while simultaneously humiliating Trump. She understands that most of us will never be afforded the grace of failing forward.
We will never benefit from the affirmative action of generational wealth. A great line.
pulling well with Malia and Sasha, but... Still a great line.
Said the former first lady. For years, Donald Trump did everything in his power to try to make people fear us.
See, his limited, narrow view of the world made him feel threatened by the existence of two hardworking, highly educated, successful people who happen to be black. I want to know.
I want to know. Who's going to tell him that the job he's currently seeking might just be one of those black jobs she is so good at this it is such a shame she doesn't have the excruciating bottomless inner void that makes people want to be president and then on Wednesday night former President Bill Clinton threw this bit of old man shade at Donald Trump.
Two days ago, I turned 78. The oldest man in my family before a generation.
And the only personal vanity I want to assert is I'm still younger than Donald Trump. Yeah, we are all so full of shit.

Yeah, get his old ass.

This convention was literally planned for an 81-year-old man.

It's a lot of the same program.

I mean, I'm for it.

But you know, if this was still Biden, Bill Clinton's speech would have had the same folksy

delivery, but about how we may be old, but you can trust an old dog to watch your porch.

Or whatever.

We were ready to turn ageist on a fucking dime.

Clinton noted that Trump primarily uses his platform to talk about himself, saying this.

So the next time you hear him, don't count the lies.

Count the eyes.

Pokemon go get his ass, babe, whispered Hillary.

And then it was Oprah o'clock.

Here she is.

Soon and very soon, we're going to be teaching our daughters and sons about how this child

of an Indian mother and a Jamaican father, two idealistic, energetic immigrants, how

this child grew up to become the 47th president of the United States.

Thank you. child grew up to become the 47th president of the United States.

Yeah.

All right.

I think we're up to 40% on forgiving her for Dr. Oz.

No.

Okay.

All right. All right.
Never forget. Never forget.
So important. That's what that phrase is about.
It's about the 1990s creation of Dr. Phil and Dr.
Oz. And finally, it was time for your guy and mine, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, formally accepting the vice presidential nomination and introducing himself to America.

So there I was, a 40-something high school teacher with little kids, zero political experience, and no money running in a deep red district. But you know what? Never underestimate a public school teacher.
Coach, I will say, you know, talk to any of your friends that are teachers and are completely overwhelmed and desperate to be underestimated.

Please, somebody, will anyone underestimate me? I can't take this anymore. Walsh also leaned into his coaching experience.
You know, you might not know it, but I haven't given a lot of big speeches like this this but I have given a lot of pep talks we're down a field goal but we're on offense and we've got the ball we're driving down the field and boy do we have the right team we've got the ball we're driving down the field John Lovett is throwing a perfect spiral John Lovett is being lifted onto the popular kids field. John Lovett is throwing a perfect spiral.
John Lovett is being lifted onto the popular kid's shoulders. John Lovett is actually going to the prom.
And not as some cruel joke, these kids have never considered dousing John Lovett in pig's blood. It's a beautiful fantasy.
The most memorable moments of the speech, maybe of the whole convention, came when walls

opened up about his family's fertility struggles and his son Gus stood up applauding tearfully and said, that's my dad. It took Gwen and I years, but we had access to fertility treatments.
And when our daughter was born, we named her Hope. Hope, Gus and Gwen, you are my entire world, and I love you.
I'm letting you in. Every time.
Every time. That's my dad.
That's my dad.

It's cool that for a lot of people watching the DNC, this was their first time seeing Tim Walls.

Tim Walls is just a total stranger who appeared out of nowhere to make them cry.

Republicans, of course, took immediately to mocking this public display of emotion.

Broken, bitter Republican pundits mocking Kamala and Tim for having healthy and loving relationships with their families

as they text their daughter during the commercial to see if they could meet their grandkids. What about a public place? As if also we didn't just watch the RNC in which Republican family boxes look like a bunch of hostages holding grenades with the pins pulled during a bank heist.
Just clenched fucking jaws.

Meanwhile, hundreds of pro-Palestinian protesters

also demonstrated outside the United Center on Wednesday

as members of the Uncommitted Movement

held a sit-in after the DNC denied their request

to have a Palestinian-American speak at the convention.

More like not quite United Center.

What else? That's it. That's what I got.
That's it. Moving on.
I don't know. Seems like there's probably time.
I don't know. Somewhere between seven congressmen.
I, a person who follows Congress for a living, have never heard of. They invented congresspeople to speak at this convention.
And then on Thursday, rumors started to fly on social media that a special guest was scheduled to drop in with speculation naming everyone from Taylor Swift to Beyonce to Mitt Romney. Three equally exciting possibilities, said Mitt Romney.

But then it turned out to be a completely made-up rumor fed by TMZ and a bunch of clout-chasing accounts on social media.

And we ate it up like the naive little hogs we are.

Yum, yum, yum.

Give me that slop.

Maybe Tom Cruise will dive in from the ceiling.

We have no idea what Tom Cruise's politics really are, and I'm sure they are disturbing. There's no way they're not.
No way. In the end, there was no surprise guest.
Sometimes you got to start a fake rumor to get that ratings boost, and that's why Dolly Parton has been rumored to be booked on Love It or Leave It since 2022. Except for next week.
Next week, she's actually on the show. Rumor hasn't.
And then after three nights in which primetime speeches were pushed past primetime, as politicians hammed it up and went long, everyone got their shit together, and Kamala took the stage right on time. On behalf of every American, regardless of party, race, gender, or the language your grandmother speaks, on behalf of my mother and everyone who has ever set out on their own unlikely journey.
On behalf of Americans like the people I grew up with, people who work hard, chase their dreams, and look out for one another. On behalf of everyone whose story could only be written in the greatest nation on earth,

I accept your nomination to be president of the United States of America.

Pretty neat.

And to think all we had to do to get here was relentlessly bully an old man. Weeks on end, said the vice president.
And understand he is not done. As a part of his agenda, he and his allies would limit access to birth control, ban medication abortion, and enact a nationwide abortion ban with or without Congress.
Get this, he plans to create a national anti-abortion coordinator and force states to report on women's miscarriages and abortions. Simply put, they are out of their minds.
So there was a bunch of fact checks and one of them said something like, actually, it's technically not an anti-abortion coordinator. It's a pro-life coordinator at the Office of Women and Families.
It's an anti-abortion czar. I should really hand that.
It's one of the things I read. It's like you read the fact check claiming to, like, debunk, and you get to the end of it, and you're like, this is more true than I could have ever hoped.
I thought it was a little bit more bullshit.

Harris went on to say this.

It is now our turn to do what generations before us have done, guided by optimism and faith to fight for this country we love, to fight for the ideals we cherish, and to uphold the awesome responsibility that comes with the greatest privilege on earth,

the privilege and pride of being an American.

That was the part where I blacked out and accidentally joined the army.

I'm supposed to be at Fort Jackson on Tuesday, but it's fine.

I'm going to get out of it.

Concluded, Harris.

So let's get out there. Let's fight for it.
Let's get out there. Let's vote for it.
And together, let us write the next great chapter in the most extraordinary story ever told. That's right.
At noon, on Inauguration Day, there's a knock on George R.R. Martin's door.
It's time to finish. By order of the president.
The reaction to the speech at the United Center was electric, but not everyone was pumped after four days of Democratic excitement. Afterwards, Fox News got Trump's off-the-cuff reaction to Kamala Harris' speech at the DNC, and it was a lot of this.
...beaten Joe Biden in a Democrat primary. I have no doubt about it.
And they made it absolutely impossible for him. They made it that you have to get 60, 70 percent of the vote just to get in.
And you know what? Mr. President.
In the end, the Democrats did the same thing to Joe Biden. Fox host bringing Trump on and then trying to end it when he starts rambling incoherently is like letting a feral raccoon out of his cage in the hopes that he'll do your taxes.
Please, please, Mr. Bandit, it's April 15th and all you've done is destroyed my Ottoman.
When even the Fox News hosts pointed out that Kamala is having some success with groups that Trump had been appealing to, Trump replied with this. Polls show that she's having some success in that at this point.
So what are you going to do? What's your strategy to rebuild the momentum that you had with those voters? No, she's not having success. I'm having success.
Oh, what's my strategy? Go fuck yourself. Sometimes it seems like Trump isn't trying to win, but just trying to save face.
Speaking of which, someone should save his face. It looks like he's slowly transforming into one of those shitty Confederate bronze statues.
Here he is at the border. During that Fox News interview, Trump was cool and collected as always, audibly hitting the buttons on his phone.
She's going to give a tax increase of four to five times

what people and companies are paying right now.

Once in a while, I'll be on the phone with a friend

while in line at like a Chipotle or something,

and they're telling a story,

and I'll get to the front of the line to order,

and I'll try to pause my friend

because I think they're a podcast.

And I'll just hang up on them. We were trying to figure out how Trump was, was he on a landline? Like, how did he accidentally hit the buttons? And so we did do a test before the show where I called Hallie to see that if I opened the key fan on my phone and pressed the button, she would hear the dial tone.
And indeed she did. But was it an accident or was he so mad he was trying to yell at two different people at once? We'll never know.
Speaking of cosmic mysteries, on Friday, a giant rich human pickle named Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
suspended his campaign and endorsed Donald Trump. He spoke from a place of humility.
Now, in an honest system, I believe that I would have won the election. Sure.
And in an honest system, everyone would have thought it was fucking hilarious to dump a dead bear cub in Central Park. But the system, alas, it is rigged.
His speech was wide-ranging, hard to summarize, really, but let's go ahead and just drop in at any random part. 120 years ago, when somebody was obese, they were sent to the circus.
He also says this line about the circus like it was federal policy, like there was a draft or something. Like any boilerplate withdrawal speech, Kennedy also included a section on when girls first get their periods.
America's puberty rate is now occurring at age 10 to 13, which is six years earlier than girls were reaching puberty in 1900. At last, a much-needed injection of normalcy into the Trump-Vance campaign.
You know, I'm not a woman, though I have been told I run like one many times, mostly in middle school. On behalf of all women, though, I feel confident that I can ask all presidential candidates who are not women to refrain from sharing their concerns about the onset of menses.
I'm getting some agreement there. Speaking of causing women discomfort, Donald Trump and Jennifer Lopez Vance hit the campaign trail this week.
And Don is still pissed about the whole weird thing. You know, he said, we're weird.
The JD and I are weird. I think we're extremely normal people.
Like you, exactly like... He's weird.
Yeah, Walls is the weird one. He probably doesn't even have a chandelier in his documents bathroom.
Trump also went after Pennsylvania Governor John Shapiro, who spoke on Wednesday night, writing on social media, the highly overrated Jewish governor of the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, Josh Shapiro, made a really bad and poorly delivered speech. Hey, I have a joke.
Everybody ready? What's the difference between Donald Trump and a reformed Jew? Donald Trump's grandchildren are Jewish. If that was for you, it was for you.
The Trump train headed down to North Carolina, where he lamented not quite landing a nickname for Kamala. I think her name will be Comrade, because I think that's the most accurate name.
You know, I've been looking for a name. People are saying, sir, don't do it.
You know all my names. They've all worked.
They've all been very successful. And I really didn't find one with her.
A peek behind the curtain. The fartest at work.
Like the NBC reality star he is, Trump left it to the audience to decide. We're going to do a free poll.
Here's the two questions. Should I get personal? Should I not get personal? Ready? Should I get personal? Should I not get personal? I don't know.
My advisors are fired. I love this.
On one hand, he has his advisors pouring over polling data and crosstabs, desperate to make the race about the economy, the border, the Biden administration. But the angriest baby boomer in Asheboro, North Carolina, is demanding that I call Kamala the C-word.
So what's a candidate to do? Meanwhile, Joe Dirt Vance has somehow managed to out-awkward himself this week on the campaign trail. Here he is interacting with other human beings at a donut shop.

I'm sorry, baby.

Okay, yeah.

She doesn't want to be on film, guys, so just cut her out of anything. Appreciate that, man.
I'm Jamie Vance. I'm working vice president.
Can't see you. Okay.
Managers to go to a donut shop and he's still the biggest hole. It continues to get awkward from there.
I don't mean a lot of glaze to hear some squinkle stuff. Somebody send in rolls, just whatever makes sense.
Whatever makes sense.

Relatable.

I also hate it when my box of assorted donuts makes no sense.

Like when they're inside out or all the donut holes

have hard-boiled eggs in them.

But wait, let's watch this master of small talk at work

How many years since the beginning of July? Okay.

This year.

Okay, good. How about you, sir?

Uh, almost two years.

Okay. How long has the place been around?

About four years.

About four years? Okay. How long have you been here?

A little over six months.

Okay, good. How long has this place been around? About four years.
About four years? Okay.

How long have you been here?

A little over six months.

Okay, good.

Some stories that they're going to kind of park J.D. Vance in Pennsylvania

because Pennsylvania is make or break for Trump,

and I hope they do.

I hope he wanders the countryside and rural Pennsylvania like a Yeti making random people deeply uncomfortable it's also by the way like that is the perfect meeting of a terrible candidate and a terrible campaign because he's walking into this place there's nobody there no supporters create a little life around him the person behind the counter doesn't want to be part of this doesn't want to be on camera certainly doesn't like jd vance fantastic but then jd vance walks in and he could charm the spots off a cheetah, that guy.

It's a phrase I just made up.

And it worked because I could charm the spots off a cheetah.

All right. Stop it.

Now let's compare J.D. Vance to Tim Walls.

When Tim Walls went to an establishment in Nebraska. We really came just to go to Runza and then we did a little rally on the side, but we had a little extra time.
If you don't know, the iconic Nebraska restaurant is the Runza. Don't call it anything else except a Runza.
The bread consistency, all of it really matters.

I got the Swiss and mushroom is kind of a classic.

The cheese is solid.

You can be a little bit creative, but this is it. If you're going to go to Nebraska, if you're going to go to a Nebraska football game,

if you're just going to be a good person, you stop at runza.

I think it's the bread consistency.

Get this guy on TV for runza. Thanks for the work you're doing.
Matters. Appreciate it.
Thanks everybody. Pleasure to meet you all.
Wow. That to me is also just a great example of happy people make people happy, right? He's just a happy guy.
He made those people happy. J.D.
Vance may be smiling, but he's not a happy person. J.D.
Vance challenging Tim Walls to a normal person contest is like J.D. Vance challenging Simone Biles to a normal person contest.
And finally, Sven, a gay penguin at a Sydney aquarium who is in love with another male

penguin named Magic, has died at age 11.

And right before his speech to the DNC...

All right.

All right, when we come back, it's your next president of the United States, the completely sober Kamala Harris. Hey, don't go anywhere.
There's more Love It or Leave It coming up. The last thing you want to hear when you need your auto insurance most is a robot with countless irrelevant menu options, which is why with USAA Auto Insurance, you'll get great service that is easy and reliable all at the touch of a button.
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My name is Niccolo Mainoni, and for years I have been obsessed with one of Europe's greatest mysteries. Who killed

God's banker? The wire

said Calvi found

dead. Suicide? Question mark.
What truly happened to the banker who had the Vatican, the mafia, and a secret far-right branch of the Freemasons all pounding on his door? From Crooked Media and Campside Media, this is Shadow Kingdom, season one, God's Banker. Find it wherever you get your podcasts or get early access to the full season by joining Crooked's Friends of the Pod at crooked.com slash friends.
And we're back. Listen, I want you all to know that anyone who's anyone was in town for the DNC this week, and we could have booked any one of them.
No star of the Democratic Party would say no to us. No star of the Democratic Party would say no to us.
And certainly none of them would agree to be on the show, but then cancel a couple days beforehand. They simply wouldn't dare.
That's the kind of respect we command in these circles. But there was one DNC speaker we wanted wanted and folks, that's who we got.
Please put your hands together

for the woman of the hour, the next

president of the United States, it's Vice President

Kamala Harris. DNC!

Turn out the wood!

Wow.

Wow.

Watch out for the table there.

Okay, you're alright.

Oh my goodness. Why did you put that there? I'm so sorry, come around here Oh my god Madam Vice President, are you okay? Do I look okay? John, I've I haven't been this hungover Okay Since my first perm Doug.
God, who keeps yelling? I can't have that right now. That was you, Kamala.
Oh. Oh.
Oh. God, I don't know why I even tried to keep up with Tim Walls this week.

You know, there's no keeping up with a middle-aged man from Minnesota.

You know, every morning he wakes up and starts pounding what he calls a morning beer.

Which is milk. Yeah.
Milk with a hard L. And then the second it hits 5 p.m., he switches over to evening milk.

Okay.

Which is beer.

So I'm just sorry.

Hard E.

So morning beer is milk and evening milk is beer?

You're white.

I don't know.

You tell me.

It doesn't matter how pumped up I am, John. I am just not built like that.
Well, it sounds like you had a pretty fun week. No, I had a great week.
Yeah. We all did huge energy speeches that made me cry in private.
A weird DJ with a fabulous hat do you see the hat john couldn't miss it if i tried yeah oh it was all so wonderful it was like being at america's

wedding okay but also my wedding me and america are married guess. I guess we got married now.
I'm toasted. This is crazy.
But seriously, no. I told Doug minutes after our real wedding, you know, the party's over.
And it's time to get the hell back to work. You said that minutes after your wedding?

That's right, yeah.

I told my beloved,

I cherish you, okay,

more than life itself.

Now put your pants back on

and hand me my Blackberry.

Yeah.

Which is what brings me here today.

Oh, I don't have your Blackberry.

No one has a Blackberry, John.

You have a Blackberry?

That sucks.

John, what's wrong with you?

No, I'm here to turn enthusiasm into action.

We all enjoyed Lil Jon. Right? Right.
We all enjoyed Lil Jon. Now it's time to do our little jobs.
Okay. We got to see Oprah.
Now it's time to go up and go-pra. Okay.
We saw pink. Now we've gotta work till we stink.
Fuck. I'm tired.
I'm so tired. Do you see where I'm going with that? I think so.
I think I see where you're going with that. Look, here's what you need to know.
There's a great organization called Vote Save America. Vice President Harris, that's our organization.
We run that. No, I don't think that's right.
Well, I mean, obviously, not me personally. The whole thing would fall apart to a long weekend if I ran it.
But Vote Save America is the one-stop shop for political activism that we founded. I'm done.

I'm pretty sure you're thinking of something else.

I am not.

Oh, sure, yeah. Go ahead and argue with the future president.
See where that gets you. Jail.
Jail. Immediate jail.
Anyway, Vote Save America has set a goal to reach 75,000 signups by National, okay, voter registration Day, which is September 17th.

September 17th.

That's the goal that we have set.

Okay, sure.

Yeah, as it turns out, VSA just hit 40,000 signups.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they need to reach, they need each and every one of you, okay, to make it to 75K. So if there was a speech that inspired you this week, if roll call got you hyped as hell, if you feel like you just did a key bump of hope in a bathroom stall called patriotism.
It's time to channel it into doing the work. You can sign up, okay, for the highest impact volunteer actions in your state right now at votesaveamerica.com slash 2024.
Votesaveamerica.com slash 2024. Help us get to 75,000 volunteers.
Help us win back the House, hold the Senate, protect abortion at the state level, and make sure Kamala Harris wins this election. I love it.
I mean, what are you going to do? Not sign up? Michelle Obama gets up there and brings the house down and you tweet, I want to run through a wall right now. Then you're just going to sit there and do nothing? Let the feeling pass? What are you, democracy edging? I don't love democracy edging as a term.
Look at these sickos. They'll all want to try it.
Yeah, I get that vibe from this room. Bunch of freaks.
Yeah. I don't hate it.
You don't hate it. All right.
Now, if you'll excuse me, there's only one hangover cure that works for me. And that's an Ashkenazi Jew with theater tech energy giving me a back rub while reading tweets about how presidential I look.

Vice President Kamala Harris, thank you so much for stopping by.

What a week.

Hit us with that URL one more time.

Yeah, you know, votesaveamerica.com slash 2024. Sign up right now.
Okay. All right.
Someone bring the car around. Dougie, start warming them hands.
Ladies and gentlemen, the next president of the United States. All right, when we come back, Marcella Arguello and Liz Winsett do their best to rank our nation's worst.

Let me ask this group of people a question right now.

How many of you have signed up through Vote Save America?

How many of you, be honest, have not?

Oh, you bought a shirt?

No, you can wear it in the camps. Please do me a favor.
You can do it right now on your phones in this little break. You can go to votesaveamerica.com slash 2024, and you can sign up.
There's two teams, East versus West, right? We're doing, we'll give you very easy to follow actions, give you easy ways to donate. What about what? What about mid, what about the Midwest? Well, that is, so if you're on this side of the Mississippi, you're on this side of the Mississippi River, you're East.
And if you're on this side of the Mississippi River, you're on the west. You may be saying, where does Louisiana fall? I don't remember.
All right, when we come back, it's Liz Winstead and Marcel Arguello. And we're back.
All right. Please welcome to the stage two delicious Chicago hot dogs.
Complimentary. It's Liz Winstead and Marcel Arguello.
Come on out. Wow.
It took me for a while to get back to the ground. All right.
Welcome. All right.
So you both performed and you had an abortion comedy show this Monday. Yes.
Abortion Variety Hour, a cavalcade of cooch. Yes.
It did not disappoint. There was a lot of cooch.
A lot of cooch. A lot of cooch.
The highlight of the show was the reason I'm in D.C. is because I feel like Democrats need to really learn about since abortions on the ballot.

People are woefully ignorant about actually how it works.

So in order to educate people, we created giant inflatable dancing abortion pills that have been all over the city.

Protests, walking through the hotels, talking to delegates.

And we took the song, I'm Just a Bill, and wrote, I'm Just a Pill.

And it's fucking adorable.

I love that.

And they sing it live.

They sing it live. Yeah, it's not lip syncing.

Yeah, they're doing it.

Remember, like, the old Alka-Seltzer commercial where the big...

It's like that, but abortion...

It's called Miffy and the Miso Tones.

Because, of course, it is.

Thank you. They're lip syncing.
Yeah, they're doing it. Remember like the old Alka-Seltzer commercial where the big, it's like that, but it's called Miffy and the Miso Tones because of course it is.
How nice. Yeah.
Have abortion jokes changed since 2022? Like has like what people laugh at versus what they won't laugh at changed? Yeah, I did an abortion joke at the abortion show and I was like, there's no way they're going to like this because people are usually uptight. I say this joke where I'm like, oh, people always tell me I look good holding a baby.
Therefore, I should have a baby. And I'm like, I look good holding a baby because I look good, period.
You should see me have an abortion. Breathtaking.
People didn't laugh at that before. They now they're ready.
They love it now.

They're like, death.

Yeah.

I mean, because here's the thing.

For so long, people just talked about abortion with the handbook given to them by the right. We were constantly struggling with the morality of abortion.

You know, people didn't come into it on their own.

They would just say things that they thought sounded good. Like, well, nobody's pro-abortion.
You know, it's like, yeah, people actually are. And I get trolled all the time on the internet.
And I just like to shut it down. Because people will say things to me like, well, how many abortions have you had? I'm like, I don't know.
I don't save receipts. And then they stop talking to me.
Because I just, I can't have, I can't have it anymore.

We simply can't have it anymore.

Can't have it anymore.

We're not going back.

We're not going back.

Marcella, what has been the funniest part of the DNC so far in your opinion?

Oh my God.

Like Robert fucking Jr.

Yeah. That concession speech was hilarious.
I want to hear him after he drinks some Malort. Does he have a voice? You know what's really interesting to me about RFK Jr.
is the Kennedys have, I'm going to really drop some knowledge here, been riddled with people who've done shitty things in their family, right? Riddled. A woman drowns inexplicably.
There's sexual assault. There's things.
The Kennedy family has never issued a statement about someone being garbage until now. So take them when they say we have gone the extra mile to literally publish

that our relative

is literally dumpster juice.

He's a groundbreaking Kennedy.

That's groundbreaking.

Yeah, for real.

He is making history for that family.

Yeah, he just does seem

absolutely vile. And even the stories he's tells that are meant to seem like relatable, he comes across as being completely vile.
Like every aspect of the story that isn't about a dead bear cub he's leaving in central park is a terrible and embarrassing story. It's just not the terrible embarrassing part because it also is a story about dropping a dead bear cub in Central Park.

He's falconing. He's going to Peter Luger and then directly to the airport.
That's gross. Boy, and here's the thing.
I need Tim Walz to weigh in on this because anybody knows... I'm from Minnesota.
If you get a deer or a bear, like in the wild, you have to dress it in the field. We know this.
You don't just pick it up and put it in the trunk like it's a fucking 12, 13 pack of ketchup that you got at Costco. You know, you got to do things to it.
And you don't go to a, what kind of ghoul either mows down a bear or just goes, hey, that looks like good eating. And then puts it in the trunk and then goes to a steakhouse.
That is just some weird meat fetishizing. Yes, he did not dress...

Well, so, I became obsessed with this in part because

it's like it's such a bad story.

Even his version of the story is quite bad,

but his version of the story has lies in it

to make the even worse version more palatable.

Because in the version he told Roseanne Barr...

American treasure. Roseanne Barr.
Sometimes I think that if Hillary Clinton had won, I would have just been a staff writer on an unremarkable Roseanne reboot. That was sort of the path that was ahead for me.
The Connor? Yeah, the Connor. The single Connor.
The singular Connor. But he said, I saw a woman hit the bear, but that doesn't make sense because she doesn't come up in this story again.
Also, we know women always choose the bear. First of all.
Anyway, he sucks. Can I just say one more thing about him, though? Like, you know, we talk about the bear story, the bear story.
So that bear story happened. Meanwhile, I don't know if any of you saw his fucked up.
So I'm a big fan of not using pesticides in your garden, yada, yada. You know, there's things you can do.
So there's an Instagram video of him with ladybugs all over him. And while that's charming, if you're four, When you're this COVID denying weirdo,

like having bugs crawl all over you after your bear story hits,

it just doesn't work.

He's interesting.

He's an individual.

An unvaccinated bug covered Kennedy

with an incomprehensible voice

talking about girls' menses.

The user experience on this guy is fucking terrible. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Sorry I said the word menses again. No, but are you 90? Are you the movie I saw in seventh grade? Yeah.
Menses. We all know that movie.
You didn't see it. You're a boy boy fucking Catholic school, they sent the boys to the top of the playground

and they made the girls watch the

Menses movie, so boys learned nothing

I was going to say, I don't think you heard his voice

the word figures very prominently

in a game called Bloodborne

but that's for another conversation

I don't know Bloodborne

so, I'm going to the Minnesota Fair

okay, okay

yes, so

yes, my friend

I am telling you

So, um, been at the fair. It is the highest honor in Minnesota.
Do you know this? I didn't know that. Am I wrong, Minnesotans? So crop art in Minnesota, you take crop that is indigenous to the state and people make incredible art, political art, radical art.
And if you, if, if an artist decides to do your portrait, it is like literally like, I can't even explain to you how great it is. So it happened to me three years ago.
Tim Walsall also has one. I got a ribbon.
It was purple, but I got a ribbon. But my favorite story that you might not know about crop art.
So the person that did my art, I said, has anyone ever been rejected to do crop art? And she said, one year, someone did a portrait of Bill Cosby. Wait.
Did it entirely out of canola seeds. The other word for canola seed, grape seed.
It's genius. And it got rejected.
Isn't that amazing? Brilliant, right? Wow. Crop art has so many levels to it.
You have no idea. What is the crop they used to make you? They used, they did use some rapeseed, but just because it's pretty.
Right, right, sure. They use white beans for my hair.

They use black beans for my glasses or some black, I can't remember.

I have them all listed on the portrait.

Yeah, it's fun.

Canola was a good rebrand.

Yeah, it's an all-around bean.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Soy is also soybean, very popular in the farm state.

Hey, has anyone ever made art using plants out of your face? No, that sucks. I will.
I'll do that for you. No, I will.
No, I will. Okay.
Marcella, have you ever been to a state fair? Yeah, absolutely. I'm from California.
We have the fucking best state fair in Sacramento, California. It's fucking huge.
Oh, sorry. I answered a question.
My bad. it's fucking huge because we have a lot of land and it's fucking it's overwhelming you can't finish it in one day you have to like go multiple times finish it I've noticed over the years that it really bothers some of these midwesterners when they find out that the thing that they do that's very important and special and unique to them is something California also does, but it's like 15th on our fucking list because we're so big.
They're like, oh, you have milk? We make milk too. Yeah.
I also eat corn dogs. Sorry.
My bad. The Democratic National Convention is not at the Minnesota State.
It is not. The Republicans have been trying to come

up with a non-bullshit line of attack against the Harris-Walls campaign. And after four days of unobstructed, uncut Democratic excitement and enthusiasm, they've been failing.
The desperation, it wreaks a bit, which is why we're going to play a game called Rank the Stank. nice

yeah that's right

this is great

what a great

graphic which is why we're going to play a game called rank the stank nice yeah that's right this is great what a great graphic it's a great graphic here's how it works i will read you a desperate quote said by a conservative this week you have to rank it on a scale from five to one with the one being the stinkiest the most ranked desperate quote and the catch is you will not know the melodious quote that comes next. It's a blind ranking.
I love this game. I listened to you guys do this game.
I love this game. It's going to be fun.
It's one of my favorites. Here we go.
First up, we have J.D. Vance taking a stinky little swing at Tim Walz.
I'd like to know how you were prepping for debating Tim Walz, who has described himself as a bad debater. Who's helping you, and how are you prepping?

Well, I found a good friend from back home who embellishes and lies a lot,

and I'm having him stand in for Tim Walz.

So, first of all, it's a strange sentence, right?

Like, oh, you have a good friend.

What's something we should know about him?

He lies and embellishes a lot. So not a, do you have a better friend? Do you have a worse friend? What a way to talk about your friend.
But also, how do you know that's your friend if he lies about things? Right. That's not your friend.
He says she's your friend. Okay, so it was a terrible joke.
It wasn't like we know some of the shit that's happened this week Yeah, I don't think it was very Would you put it at a four? I would I would put it at a five I'll take that It's five It's like something he would say at a bar. Five.
I agree with that. That's right.
Yeah.

It's just like more lame.

Yeah.

Trying to be human.

How are you going?

Keep going.

Trying to be human.

That is the energy he has.

It's so awful.

I'm so nervous.

This is so weird.

Like, okay, can I tell this joke?

Like, hey, I saw you through a thing and I have a thing.

That's him.

That is.

Actually, it would actually be funnier if he was dressed in drag when he delivered it.

Well, Marcella.

My best friend lies and steals and cheats.

You're right.

Everybody would be like, work it.

Everything works better in context.

I think he is in drag is the thing. Next up.
Okay. Ron Johnson, taking his own stab at Walls over, of all things, Walls' wedding anniversary.
Again, the mainstream media is not going to cover his background. The House is going to investigate it now.
It's very strange. He got married on the anniversary of Tiananmen Square.
He's gone to China. He's taught in China.
I don't know if you saw the wedding photos. They are standing in front of a tank.
It's really beautiful. Oh, yeah.
The flowers on the tank. It was sort of an homage to Kent State and Tiananmen all in one.
Just one big commie wedding. I just love the idea.
It's like, well, he's been to China, so you know what that means. He was a teacher there.
He taught English. Yeah, I know.
Okay, so. So what do you think? Ron Johnson, Tiananmen Square wedding.
I mean, Ron Johnson's always just like pulling shit out of that weird ass of his. So, I don't know.
I mean, that's pretty inexplicably like digging for the bottom. It's not.
It is. It's also hyper specific.
Yeah. Which strike me as like he pre-wrote it, like was ready, was waiting.
That tells me there was a little more thought to it, which makes it a little more offensive. Yeah.
I mean, Marilyn Monroe died on my birthday. It's not like, you know what, Ginny Winston.
You bitch. Fucking had a baby the day that she was murdered.
It's quite an accusation. So Tim Walsh taught in China, I guess became some kind of Manchurian candidate, comes back, teaches in high school, coaches, spends two decades in the military, runs for Congress, all on his plan, which is to wait for the president to get too old.
Then have that president

step aside. Then have the vice president choose him.
It's all going according to President

Xi's plan. But have we ever seen what happens to Tim Walz when presented with the Queen of Diamonds?

Something to think about. Like I said, well thought out.
Therefore, more offensive. You know, I mean, here's the deal.
When you decide in the 90s that you're the football coach who's going to be the, you know, counselor for the gay kids club, you're not thinking about your presidential future at that point right you're just thinking about the gay kids which is not just being a good guy he's so good you know him yeah not to brag but let me so i celebrated my 40th year in comedy in December of last year. And Tim Walz declared it Liz Winstead Day in Minnesota.
So December 18th is Liz Winstead Day in Minnesota. Wow.
That deserves a better response. What day? Very exciting.
December 18th. December 18th.
Also the day that the Archduke Ferdinand was killed. Makes you think.
I don't know if that's true. I just tried to think of something that took place in history.
I like that. That was good.
It was plausible, right? It's not associated with a specific day in your mind. If the day that I did comedy was synonymous with World War I starting, I'd be super excited about that.
So thank you for associating me with that. Because you're both killed.
We're both killed. All right.
We need a ranking.

We need a ranking on Ron Johnson.

What do you think?

What do you think?

I think it's a three because there was some bullshit this week.

I'm giving it a three.

Do we feel good about three?

Do you feel good about three?

I love three.

Three.

Up next.

Human dumpster reeking in the humid heat of Chicago, August.

Ann Coulter went after Tim.

Pretty good.

Pretty good. Pretty good.

Pretty good.

Oh.

I've written some shows for a living. Yeah.

Here's the problem. I can't get up.

But we're doing great.

Booty.

I can't believe you saw to the other side of this

segment from this show, which is basically

a low rent podcast daily show. Uh, yes.
Yeah. Number one, let's talk about it.
Made fun of

basically it was a, it was a tweet, uh, making fun of, uh, Wallace's son who is a teenager and

has a nonverbal learning disability with the comment talk about weird. Coulter did eventually delete it after everyone on the internet screamed at her.
So you want to make that number one? Absolutely. I was just really appreciating that there was a lot of clips coming up of all the times people insulted her over the years.
Yeah. Did you see like all the other roasts compilations? I was like, yes, like I'm glad we all as a nation agree that she's a piece of shit.
Yeah. But it also goes to the point that, like, you know, you create a group of people that's a fan base.

Right. And so you want to make sure that, like, you've got this fan base.

They kind of vibe on what you say and that you've created a fan base that you were like, they would love it if I said this.

Right. And that's the part for me that makes me fucking sick to my stomach, because it's like, don't play dumb.

And also like, there are a lot of people that fucking like that shit. Right.
So one, it is the, um, it is like a, it is sort of a double-edged sword in that they have over the last decades built this sort of radicalized group of voters that they can kind of electric shock into voting in great numbers every time they're told to vote. You know, Beto O'Rourke in 2018, he turns out every voter he's supposed to turn out, but Ted Cruz manages to outperform anyone's expectations.
Like the Republican machine does work, but I do think that one thing that they're paying for in this election that the reason the weird the weird criticism is sticking is that they are strange they are in a bubble talking to themselves thinking that you can make fun of a child like that thinking that it's strange that these people have healthy relationships thinking that any sign of masculine vulnerability or emotion is is somehow something that will bother most Americans when it's been a long time since that was true.

But the problem is that they can.

The problem is that they like it.

That's the problem is that they like it and they want it and their fan base appreciates it.

And there's oftentimes when they're a fan base, they go, oh, we're not supposed to say

that.

Oh, shit.

Everybody.

Oh, we didn't even know that because that's how fucking neurodivergent those motherfuckers are there. They don't clock that shit.
It's fucked up. But that's why they feed into it because their fan base does like that shit.
That's why it's hard to get people to listen to Kamala and understand that when she speaks, she's speaking from a place of sincerity because she does believe the things that she says and so does Tim and so does their children. And so they're not used to realizing that the things that people are saying is actually true to who they are.
And that's why when you see something like that and they react, they are so warped in their minds and they agree with each other. And that's what is so depressing.
And there's no joke here. It's just fucking depressing.
Cause we can sit here and talk shit about it, but these people are real and they sit amongst us and they, they, they live amongst us. And it's, it's very frustrating to know that these people love that shit.
They love it. Yeah.
Yeah. But I do think the, I do think that it is a minority view.
And I think that what has to happen is we need to defeat this brand of Republicans, Republicanism so thoroughly that the leadership of the Republic, the craven leadership, the ambitious, valueless leaders of the Republican Party realize that this version, it's not just morally reprehensible, it's just bad business. They got to figure out it's bad business.
The question I have is, though, I think I hear your point and I think it's right. But I also think, too, that when I when when you say that, you know, they need to write that, there's a group of people, and I would say, as a woman, queer folks, black and brown folks, we know that this goes a little bit deeper.
Because when they attack, like just attacking Hillary Clinton for her weird pizza thing and all, you know, the political shit. But how is it if a group of people make fun of Gus, that's not political.
That's shitting on a child. And that's a different moral framework for me, right? And so it's sort of twofold.
The humanity of the Joe Roganization of America, which I think is different. I think they're two lanes that feed the same beast.
But I think that that Joe Rogan beast creates that kind of shit on top of the other thing. Right? So it's a two-prong ugliness for me.
Yeah. I think that's true.
I think, yeah. It's just bigger than that.
Yeah. I think that there's like a cult, there's like a permission structure for when you can be cruel, when you can be, um, when you can, like, there's a kind of like masculinity defense thing happening.
It relates to why they go after trans people, why they go after women. And I think, like, they're responding to the same thing, which is a change in culture.
And, by the way, like, the victory of progressivism in the culture, right? Like, that is what they are responding to. They are responding to decades and decades and decades of defeat.
Yes. So I do think that's a big part of it.
I will also say that it does feel like it's like just even her deleting it. It's like slowly crumbling because watching Ronda Rousey apologize for sharing Sandy Hook conspiracy theories.
I feel like we're getting just like they're finally cutting, you know, they're like the ice. They're just kind of getting off a little bit, a little bit.
And we're finally getting like what they're really about. And I don't think they know what they're really about.
Yeah. Yes.
It's about consequences. Consequences.
Yes. There need to be political consequences.
We have to, whether it's Ronda Rousey, whether it's Donald Trump, we just got to show them that it's bad for business. And finally, we have this wild swing from Donald Trump who said this about Kamala Harris.
But I say that I am much better looking than her. I think I'm much better.
Much better. I'm a better looking person than Kamala.
I think we found the perfect place for that. So in fifth, we have J.D.
Vance. I know that.
I know how to, I can remember five things. In fifth, I'm not sure.

In fifth, we have J.D. Vance saying that...
In fourth, we have Donald Trump saying he's more beautiful than Kamala Harris. In third, we have Ron Johnson saying that he's been to China.
That makes me suspicious. In second place, we have...
No, in second place, we have Jesse Waters. And in first place, we have Ann Coulter.
So those, that's... We have now.
We did it. Ranked the same.
I think that's great. Thank you to Marcel and Liz.
When we come back. Thank you for helping us.
It's time for Mallory. Hey, don't go anywhere.
There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. If you don't know about our flyer deals on Instacart, this message is for you.
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My name is Niccolo Mainoni,

and for years I have been obsessed

with one of Europe's greatest mysteries.

Who killed God's banker?

The wire said,

Calvi found dead.

Suicide?

Question mark.

What truly happened to the banker

who had the Vatican, the mafia,

and a secret far-right branch of the Freemasons all pounding on his door?

From Crooked Media and Campside Media, this is Shadow Kingdom, Season 1, God's Banker.

Find it wherever you get your podcasts or get early access to the full season by joining Crooked's Friends of the Pod at crooked.com slash friends.

And we're back. Before we get to the toasts, some big live shows coming up on September 12th, love it or leave.
It has a special show at the bourbon room in LA. It's a bigger venue in LA for us.
So it'll be bigger laughs or echoes of silence, depending on how the, how the writing process goes. Jane Fonda, Louis Fertel, Zachary Quinto, and more very special guests will stop by.
Pretty great. And more guests to come.
After LA, we're heading to Pittsburgh on October 4th, with it just one month out from the election. Plus, Pod Save America is headed to Swing States with a show in Phoenix on September 7th, Ann Arbor on October 5th, and Philadelphia on October 6th.
If you want to see our faces smile and or cringe in real time as we witness the most consequential election of our lives, get tickets to all of these events and more at crooked.com slash events. Also, this week, we went out for the Democratic National Convention.
At Crooked Media, we're giving Friends of the Pod subscribers access to a ton of behind-the-scenes content and community events, including a DNC subscriber live chat, a new subscriber exclusive segment with me, John, Tommy, and Dan, four back-to-back ad-free episodes of Pod Save America recapping the biggest convention news of the night. It's been a week for content.
All right. Get all of our exclusive content and more when you subscribe to Friends of the Pod.
A lot of people signed up this week, made the right decision. Head to crooked.com slash friends to sign up now.
All right. Chicago.
Here in Chicago, I've indulged in your deepest pizzas. I've devoured your most Italians of beefs.
But it wouldn't be a Chicago Love or Leave It episode without a few drops of that magic elixir, Malort. This time around, we've brought an expert to join us.
Please welcome to the stage all of our wonderful guests and the author of Malort, The Redemption of Revered and Reviled spirit, Josh Noel. And Allison Reese, come on out.
Allison, for the first time. For the first time.
For the very first time. Did I just fall out of a coconut tree? Now, Josh, you've written a book about Malort.
I did. And can I say, I know you've all been waiting for the Malort, and I appreciate that.
I have never had Malort. Everyone have Malort.
All right. Virgin! I love that you guys are so negative to me, and it's hilarious, because I'm very excited to try it, and I thought that was going to get a better excited response, but all right.
No, I don't do second chances. No, no, no.
You fucked it up. I was ready for it.
You guys put me in a bad mood. So the last time we were in Chicago,

or maybe the previous time,

I had just turned 40.

And we were doing a segment where they would surprise me with a topic.

And the topic was about how

my personality only works in a younger man.

At which point,

I blacked out and wandered amongst the crowd. So Josh, now, Malor, does the dog have to die in the vat of grain alcohol to achieve the signature taste, or can you just put in a dog that had recently died?

You actually put the dog in the bottle as the final step.

Oh, like the worm.

Exactly.

But this is Malort.

Shall we all try it?

Yeah.

Liz, I know this seems like a bit. That tastes like Trump's boob sweat.
With a little hint of anise. Are you getting notes of anise? I like it.
I like it. We like it.
Do you like it, Marcella? It's interesting. It's floral.
It's herbaceous. It just keeps happening in your mouth.
Yeah. There's a lot of like after experience.
Yeah, and it's all bad. It sticks with you.
Josh, how did Malort become associated with the city or how did the city become associated with Malort? Well, dude, somebody in the audience sounds because they make it here. That that's why it's an interview that's the difference between an expert and a heckler well and actually the heckler is only partially right they made it in Florida for about 30-35 years this would start in Florida a lot of America's biggest mistakes.
So it tastes like DeSantis boob sweat? Yeah, it's DeSantis boob sweat. A lot of America's biggest mistakes begin in Florida.
But so how did it come here? So it's called Jepson's Malord is the actual name. And it was in fact started by a man named Carl Jepson, who was a Swedish immigrant.
And we don't know what year he actually started peddling it here. It was probably in the 20s or the 30s.
And then a man named George Brody bought it in 1935. You're still dealing with the aftertaste there? It's getting worse.
Like the shot itself is fine. Exactly.
It's that after flavor. I can't believe we took those shots with nothing to chase it with.
It's abusive. Yeah, it's funny.
Why did you do that to us? I like it. He is mentally ill.
What the fuck? I do. I do.
Y'all are sick. I think it's delightful.
Do you guys like it? Yeah! Okay. So an evil Swede.
An evil Swede. An evil Swede, like from the girl with the dragon tattoo, is sort of moving through the countryside of the Midwest.
And then how did it become sort of a Chicago special? Well, 100 years ago, and even currently, Swedes like it. This is not a punchline in Southern Sweden.
It should be noted. It just is sort of shocking to our palates, though less so than it was.
So Carl Jepsen started it and it just sort of hung on in Chicago thanks to this one man, George Brody, who owned the brand for about 65 years. It was for most of that time, it was the only liquor brand he owned.
He was working as a lawyer and he did that. He just kept this weird thing alive as basically his life's hobby, a passion project.
Huh? That's interesting that it's, you said Swedish? Swedish. So like, isn't that chef from the Muppets Swedish? Is like that,

is that why he talks like that? He's just that fucked up on my Lord. I feel drunk in a bad way.

Every time someone talks shit about my Lord up here, I'm going to take another shot.

Josh, would you say that you've written a book or issued a cry for help? The Swedes have some Aquavit also I'm Swedish They also bury fish in the ground and dig it up in the spring to eat it. They're fucking freaks Oh wait, can I just hold the phone on that? You left out a very important part.
We cure it in lye and then we bury it in a burlap bag in the ground, bitch. Yeah, it's a troubled group of people.
It's dark six months a year. Yeah.
The ones that survive it are strange. It's called Lutwisk.
Lutwisk. Lutwisk.
I feel like I'm

on drugs, bro.

It keeps getting

weirder.

These lights

are crazy.

I feel like I

swallowed a junkie.

We're ready.

That's what I feel like.

There we go.

There we go.

Okay.

Cheers, bitch.

Well, I'm not

going to be the

only asshole

that I'm not doing to be the only asshole.

I'll do more.

Can I get a ride back to Minneapolis?

Oh, my God.

It tastes like... There's a heat to it.

It tastes like an RFK speech.

There's a heat to it.

I don't know what it tastes like.

It's like an RFK speech. It's like you found an orange in your car.
And I like it. Now, we're not just here in Chicago to raise our spirits.
We are here in the words of Michelle Obama to do something. Let's roll the clip.
It's up to us to remember what Kamala's mother told her. Don't just sit around and complain.
Do something. Yeah, damn right.
So here's what we're going to do to finish out the show. We're going to each have our malort.
And we're going to each... Wait, I can't have another one.
I got to do another one? I just did two. It's a podcast.
You can fake it. I'm very literal.
I'm a person who's very literal. Oh, my God.
I didn't know there would be a test. Here's how it works.
We're each going to toast something. We're going to do something.
It could be political.

It could be personal.

It could be whatever you want to do.

But we're going to resolve to do something as we toast, Malort.

Let's spin the wheel of resolve.

Of course.

Give it to me. Marcella.
Give it. Oh, Marcella's doing it.
Now, before the show, they said we can say whatever we want. And I, look, I'm trying to be a better person.
It's hard. It sucks.
It's not easy.

But I'm also trying to work on my impressions more,

because I really appreciate your Kamala impression.

It's so good.

So funny.

And the last time I was on Love It,

they posted a clip of me doing my Beyonce,

and the comments were brutal.

What?

They were so unkind.

And so I intend to work on my Beyonce impression more.

But also, I think it's hilarious that everyone tuned in last night to watch maybe Beyonce.

So I want to give a toast to everybody who fell for TMZ or whoever.

Because we got to start paying attention.

Misinformation is fucking our heads up.

But also, it would have been cool if she was there.

So we're in Chicago.

She was popping last night.

And so, I just want to do a quick Beyonce impression.

That kind of makes it feel like she was there last night.

Okay? Are you guys ready? Mm-hmm. That kind of makes it feel like she was there last night.
Okay.

Are you guys ready?

Look around, everybody on mute.

Bitch, you're supposed to do a bigger laugh.

Look around, everybody on mute.

That's what we wanted last night, right?

Yeah.

That's what I wanted.

Cheers to that.

Nice.

All right, let's see who's next.

Hey, that third one was not a charm.

Ooh. All right, let's see who's next.
Hey, that third one was not a charm. Liz, what is something you'd like to do? You have to do something.
What will it be? Take back those Malort's I drank. No, you can't take those back.
Those are done. those are done.
I would like to, so,

you know,

I'm not a big,

like,

sport ball,

I love Tim Walls,

the sport ball,

if you're,

the old's here,

remember Jack Kemp and his really bad

sport ball vibes,

but I feel like Tim Walls

is bringing,

like,

Friday Night Lights

sport ball vibes.

So,

I feel like

I'm gonna do,

like,

a Coach Walls, like, pep thing from Friday Night Lights but change it but first I'm going to say what I want all of you to do is fucking do the Vote Save America crucial and then also go find Abortion Access Front on your socials. And we are doing incredible work around abortion access and ballot initiatives.
So find us. But, okay, let's wait.
Are you ready to like? Coach! Okay, you're going to repeat after me? Who's Friday Night Lights, people? Where are we at? Okay eyes! Full hearts! Can choose! Here we go! That is for my Friday Night Lights, people. She did a shot.
And she did a shot. Look, I'm a lightweight.
I can't.

I gotta stop.

I gotta pack after this.

I have people just staying with me in an Airbnb who don't need me barfing Malort and ruining

their night.

If you barf Malort, it burns through the floor like alien blood.

It'll get right to the hole.

Exactly.

I won't get my damage deposit back

on the Airbnb. Let's spin it again.

All right, Josh Noel, who wrote a book about Malort. Now, as of right now, I have no proof

that there are words in here.

What are you going to do?

I love how drunk you are.

Hey, I'm drunk as fuck right now, players.

What are you going to do, Josh?

I am going to be a one-man wrecking crew dedicated to getting RFK Jr. back on the ballot.
Who's with me? Just kidding. Just kidding.
You know what I'm doing? I am tapping into my inner Michelle, and I have been trying to do something for the last month, and I'm going to keep doing it every day until November 5th, and I'm writing postcards to swing states. That's great.
It's a little thing, but it feels like the thing I can do. You know, I just want free and fair elections and everyone to vote, and I think things will turn out just fine if we have those two things.
So please join me.

See, there are words.

And now I'm going to drink my shot of Malort.

Yeah, you drink your shot of Malort.

Also, buy the book.

I'm going to be your publicist.

Buy the book on Malort.

Friend, buy the book on Malort.

Yeah, buy the Malort book.

There we go.

Can I do a quick plug?

I have a bunch of events coming up around town.

A lot of Malort cocktails, Malort shots. My website is joshnoel.net.
It's all there. And you know how to say your name.
Let's spin it again. Let's spin it again.
It's Allison. Let's just fucking...
I don't want it to be me. Or John.
I don't want it to be me. It's me again.
Allison. Allison.
Okay, what am I doing? I don't know. She stood up.
I just want everybody listening to me. She stood up.
You just have to do something. I have to do something? Do an...
No. I already did one.
Okay, no, no. Here's to a high kick.

Hey, no more suggestions, you animals.

No, no, I like it.

What else?

What should I do?

Okay, improv. Yes, and.

Hey, my first day in Chicago, I had my lord.

What do you guys want from me?

All right, here's to never again accidentally burning my nipple with nair. I love that.
That's lovely. Alright.
So good. So good.
So good. I'm normally a good drunk and this sucks.

This is bad.

This is wild. Mama, who's the dog?

Where's.

Oh, that's my dog.

That's just my dog.

But John, hey, you need to do a do something.

I'm going to.

That's what's about to happen.

It's always about to happen.

You got to do something.

All right. All right.
Pew, pew, pew. You gotta do something! Alright.

Alright.

Here's what I'm going to do.

I've been thinking about this.

We've been talking about this.

Here's what I'll resolve.

If we get to 100,000

sign-ups on Votes of America,

It can happen.

I will, with the permission of Crooked's lawyers,

based on

safety concerns, I will

set up a dunk tank

at some place.

I would like it to be a Trump rally, but that does

seem intense.

In which

Republicans can dunk me, but

unbeknownst to them, every time I'm dunked,

there's a donation to Vote Save America.

But I will only do that.

I will only do that if two things happen.

One, I figure out body dysmorphia over the next 30 days.

And two, we hit 100,000 signups. Okay.
That is what I resolved to do. All right.
To Mallor, to Chicago, to Josh Noel, thank you for being here. When we come back, we're going to end on a high note.
And we're back. Because we all need it this week, here it is, our high note.
Hi, Lovett. This is Lauren calling in from the Democratic National Convention in Chicago.

I'm ending today on a high note, not only because Governor Walz gave an incredible speech,

but because it is just after midnight, and that means that it is my boyfriend John's

40th birthday.

John, you are the most incredible dad, son, brother, and boyfriend.

We are all so lucky to have you, and I can't wait to get home to see you on Friday. Happy birthday.
Love you. Hi, what's your name? My name is Pam.
Pam, what's your high note? It's my birthday today. Happy birthday, Pam.
Thank you. Was that it? Yeah, that was it.
I think that's short. What's your name? What's your high note? My name is Mary.
I'm from here in Chicago. And I don't, I volunteered with the DNC this week.

And I got to drive around some VIPs and they gifted me on Tuesday with a pass to the floor.

Or not to the floor, but to the actual DNC.

And I walk in and if you walk around and just act like you belong places, you just, they'll just let you walk in.

And I'm walking around and I walk into this area that's very well lit. And there's like a glass box that I think people like yourself were broadcasting from.
And I see Chuck Schumer and Ayanna Pressley. And I turn around and all of a sudden fucking JJ Abrams is standing right there.
And I see him and I go, JJ Abrams? And he goes, yes. I think he was surprised and excited that somebody recognized him.
And, I mean, he's famous. But I think in that environment, there's other people that want to be seen.
So I go, I was like, hi. And he goes, who are you? Why are you here? And I'm like, well, I volunteer with the DNC.
And I drive around these dignitaries. And I bought them a glue gun to fix a hat.
And I think they gifted me the past because I, because I got him the glue gun.

And, uh, and he, and I'm drunk. What, what, what is your high note?

My high note is that I met JJ Abrams because of the glue gun.

Yes. And I love that.

Hi. Hi, what's your name? What's your high note? Melissa.
It's my 10-year wedding anniversary. And this, thank you.
My husband is here with me. He's the only one that will tolerate listening to your podcast in the car.
Thank you. Who is next? We lost my dad this week.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

In the hospital in Omaha,

I was wearing my blue chucks

and a woman across the way from me

saw my blue chucks and said,

you're wearing Kamala's chucks.

And I said, absolutely fucking I am.

Nice. Hi, what's your name? What's your high note? I'm Tim and my high note was getting to go to the Milwaukee rally and experience the joy and enthusiasm in person.
That's great. I love that.
Thank you. Hi, what is your name? What is your

high note? My name's Nick, and my high note is that I signed up for Vote Save America during

your call to action, and I learned that Chicago's in the east, not in the west. Yeah, that's right.

That's right. Mississippi, which is on this side.
I'm so nervous. The Mississippi is on stage left.
Right. What's your name? What's your high note? My name is Matt.
And the first week of the pandemic, my best friend and I moved in together. So we didn't have to be alone.
And the last week of Omicron 1, we fell in love. And because of his job, we couldn't get married.
So we eloped in secret on an island. And it was beautiful.
And because we did that, I have never gotten to say to him in front of a room full of people that I love you. So.
That's very sweet. Jay, Wagner, Yael, I love you.

That's a beautiful high note.

Thank you for sharing that.

I think it's so lovely when two Catholic priests can find love.

It was.

What do you think the job is?

It's 2024. It could be a sergeant.
Would be fine. But military's allowed now.
What's the job? All right. What's your name? What's your high note? My name's Kelsey.
I'm originally from Springfield, but Chicago is my home. And this week, the DNC is reminding me why this is my home.
I love this city so much. I love that.
It's a good week for Chicago. Bad week for Trump.

Hey, my name is Bradley.

I'm some tough...

Bradley, that was good.

We're doing the right thing.

What's your name?

What's your high note?

It's Bradley.

What's your high note?

Some tough acts to follow.

I've really got an audience of one.

In 15 days, I'm getting married to the love of my life.

Love you, Kelly.

I'm sweet. Hi, what's your name? What's your high note? Yeah, my name is Andrew.
And in 15 days from now, it'll be 15 days since we eloped to Chicago. And I married the love of my life today, Jenny.
Are you a time traveler?

15 days from now, it'll have been 15 days,

15 days ago.

Have you always been married?

Fuck.

What's your name? What's your high note?

My name is Rachel, and my high note is,

last year I was here on my birthday,

and you gave me a high note.

And today I am here after 16 years

at a painfully toxic job that told me I wasn't good enough.

I quit.

Hell yeah. Take this job and shove it.
What's your name? What's your high note? My name is also John, J-O-N. Great name.

But my high note is that after a long time of being in close proximity,

my boyfriend and I, Gabe, just moved in together a couple months ahead of our five-year anniversary.

Gabe, you're amazing.

I'm so happy, and I love you so much.

A lot of love in the air tonight.

What's your name?

What's your high note?

Hey, my name is Eric.

I'm from Georgia where I'm running for state representative.

And my high note is that I'm also a DNC delegate from Georgia and I got to participate in nominating Kamala Harris for president. Yes.
What's your name? What's your high note? You're doing great. My name is Teddy.
What is it? Teddy. Teddy.
Yeah. And my high note is that I'm the cross-country team captain.
Nice. You know what? Honestly, growing up, the cockiest fucking kids were those cross-country kids just running in a pack it's like gazelles it's the worst great teddy that's cool love teddy

hi what's your name what's your high note uh My name is Jackie, and I am a public school teacher. And we just started school.
This was the seventh day with students. And we probably shouldn't have started.
Multiple schools in the district didn't have air conditioning. They didn't have the school supplies they needed.
But we did start and officially the district is a Title I district now. So all of our students were able to get free lunch and free breakfast.
That's great. That's cool.
I, you know, growing up, we started school after Labor Day. These August start dates.
It's bullshit. It's bullshit.
What? It's new here. What? Okay.
We'll solve education later. What's your name? What's your high note? My name's Alan, but my wife and I's son turned one this week, and she really wanted to see you as the first time we left home without him.
So we're here to celebrate him, but her for being the best mom she could possibly be. That's great.
And you crack the window. You just love to make sure the air get in.
It's nice. It's probably not so sunny.
It's cracked the window.

She also wanted to do a shot of Malort with you, so... We're done.

Do you want to do a shot of Malort with me?

Come on.

Stay right there.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

You hold this.

Fuck.

Congrats.

I'm getting out of here.

I need a little more.

That's not a real shit.

Ready?

One, two.

I hope you win Survivor.

Oh, yeah, me too.

Hold it up.

All right. Do what, you know what? We're gonna leave it there.
If you wanna leave us a high note, you can email the email that I've said before and I can't remember. You can also leave it on the Discord, which is also there.
That is our show.

Thank you to everybody.

Thank you to Alison Reese, Marcelo Aguero, Liz Winstead, and Josh Noel.

Thank you to the Vic and this sold-out crowd.

There are 72 days until the 2024 elections.

Have a great night and have a great weekend.

Thank you, Chicago. John Lovett and Lee Eisenberg.
Kendra James is our executive producer. Chris Lord is our producer.
And Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer.
Sarah Lazarus and Jocelyn Kaufman. Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, Will Miles and Mahana del Shiki are our writers.
Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support.
Stephen Colon is our audio engineer. And Milo Kim is our videographer.
Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designer, Bernardo Serna, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast,

and to our digital producers, David Tolles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroat,

for filming and editing video each week so you can. It's love it or leave it Love it or leave it It's love it or leave it Auto insurance can all seem the same until it comes time to use it.

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