Walz In Our Court

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Speaker 1 Hello,

Speaker 2 Los Angeles.

Speaker 2 Look at all of you.

Speaker 2 Hello, Los Angeles.

Speaker 4 You know,

Speaker 2 I don't know that I have, I don't have the body for a stool.

Speaker 2 Remember that when Jacob Alarty was sitting in a stool and could just reach down and pick up a Starbucks cup?

Speaker 2 Think about how inconceivable that is.

Speaker 2 Welcome to Love It or Leave It.

Speaker 2 I'd like to shout out Steve Martin for turning down SNL's offer to play Tim Walls because he's not an impressionist and thus became the first white man in history to turn down a job he wasn't qualified for.

Speaker 2 Incredible integrity.

Speaker 2 Humility.

Speaker 9 Couldn't be me.

Speaker 2 Tonight, Vice President Kamala Harris is back

Speaker 2 with the inside scoop on her vanilla VP. Pete Holmes and Hari Kondabalu give good sports a bad name.
And then we all tuck our shirts into our shorts and dole out some big dad energy.

Speaker 2 But first, let's get into it.

Speaker 10 What a week.

Speaker 2 After announcing Minnesota Governor Tim Waltz as her running mate Tuesday morning, Kamala Harris's campaign raised $36 million

Speaker 2 over the next 24 hours.

Speaker 2 Hey, that's double high, said Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro, finally free to turn the Judaism up to 11.

Speaker 2 Not that he couldn't.

Speaker 2 Harris introduced her VP pick at an exuberant Philadelphia rally Tuesday night. Shapiro, who was also in the running for the VP pick, got the crown fired up.

Speaker 11 Each of us has a responsibility to get off the sidelines, to get in the game, and to do our part. Are you ready to do your part?

Speaker 2 He's very good. You can barely tell he's been crying.

Speaker 2 I'll just say again, and I'm not directing this at anyone in particular, and I'm sure there are probably more efficient ways for me to deliver this information.

Speaker 2 Democratic politicians, you must cut the pauses, you must speak faster. No one has the attention span for one X speech, let alone one X speech with massive applause breaks.
Ride the applause.

Speaker 2 Keep it going.

Speaker 2 Is anyone else?

Speaker 2 Our brains are broken. It's not their fault.
They're doing what people used to do, but it's been a while. Like, look, the last campaign was starting, like, we, we're just, it's been a while.

Speaker 2 And everybody's got to pick it up. Anyway, then the vice president and her running mate took the stage.

Speaker 14 This campaign, our campaign, is not just a fight against Donald Trump.

Speaker 14 Our campaign, this campaign, is a fight for the future.

Speaker 2 First of all, love Walls' vibe right behind her. He's giving school principal hovering behind the guest speaker at an assembly to make sure the kids aren't texting.

Speaker 2 Kamala also had zingers. Here she is comparing Tim Walls to J.D.
Vance.

Speaker 14 When you compare his resume

Speaker 14 to Trump's running mate,

Speaker 14 Well,

Speaker 14 well,

Speaker 14 well,

Speaker 14 some might say

Speaker 4 it's like

Speaker 14 a matchup between

Speaker 14 the varsity team and the JV squad.

Speaker 2 So, first of all, now that I've incepted you with the fact that the speeches have too many pauses,

Speaker 2 it's all you'll hear. Now it's all you'll hear.

Speaker 2 I have to say, this was a tough hit on the JV squad. Why do we give the JV squad so much shit for the sin of wanting to play a sport even though they're not that good?

Speaker 2 Isn't that like, isn't that nice? Shouldn't we want there to be a JV squad? It's also, by the way, insane that there are activities in public school where you can get cut.

Speaker 2 I get that there are limits for the away team, all right? But the home team? The home team? The home cheer squad?

Speaker 2 Sorry, we'd rather scar you for life, Ava, than let you do a few cheers during the football game because the teen boys and dads want to see a perfectly coordinated dance by only the hottest teenage girls.

Speaker 2 So get fucked.

Speaker 2 This is the normal part of growing up. We accept it's absolutely ridiculous.
Let's all run up to the sign and see which girl will remember the worst moment in her entire life in high school.

Speaker 2 Anyone here get cut from the cheer squad?

Speaker 17 Do you remember it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it sounds like it was pretty scarring for you.

Speaker 2 Rendered silent.

Speaker 2 Then came the man of the hour, and well, what can we say?

Speaker 18 Walls crushed it. Thank you, Madam Vice President, for the trust you put in me, but maybe more so,

Speaker 18 thank you for bringing back the joy.

Speaker 2 And thank you, Nancy Pelosi, for stealing that joy from Joe Biden and smuggling it out of the White House in your birkin.

Speaker 2 Here is Walls on Donald Trump.

Speaker 18 Trump weakens our economy to strengthen his own hand.

Speaker 18 He mocks our laws.

Speaker 18 He sows chaos and division.

Speaker 18 And that's to say nothing of his record as president.

Speaker 17 Boom.

Speaker 20 You got Walls.

Speaker 2 Hot dish to the face. Walls continued.

Speaker 18 He froze in the face of the COVID crisis.

Speaker 18 He drove our economy into the ground.

Speaker 18 And make no mistake, violent crime was up under Donald Trump.

Speaker 18 That's not even counting the crimes he committed.

Speaker 2 Nice. Tim Walls is like if the Manhattan Project figured out how to weaponize a dad.

Speaker 2 Walls also played the hits.

Speaker 16 You know it. You feel it.

Speaker 18 These guys are creepy and yes, just weird as hell.

Speaker 15 That's what you see. That's what you see.

Speaker 2 We got to lean into the creepy. They're not weird like somebody who wears shoes with built-in toes.

Speaker 2 They're not weird like somebody who paints their car and house the same shade of teal.

Speaker 2 They're weird like a guy with binoculars in a tree outside of your wife's doctor's office.

Speaker 2 They're weird like a salesman who calls you back after you came in to test drive a car and you say you decided to keep your current car, but he keeps making conversation until you realize he's asking you out on a date.

Speaker 2 That's the kind of weird. In addition, Weird Walls had another message for Republicans.

Speaker 18 In Minnesota, we respect our neighbors and their personal choices that they make.

Speaker 18 Even if we wouldn't wouldn't make the same choice for ourselves, there's a golden rule. Mind your own damn business.

Speaker 2 The slightly sibilant S,

Speaker 2 that Midwestern business.

Speaker 2 Mind your own damn business.

Speaker 2 Mind your own damn business is a golden rule in Los Angeles as well. We respect our neighbors and the choices they make, even if we personally would never accept a role in the Garfield movie.

Speaker 2 I don't care if I have big normal energy.

Speaker 2 Then Tim Walls took a direct shot at J.D. Vance, and it was sweet.

Speaker 18 I can't wait to debate the guy.

Speaker 18 That is, if he's willing to get off the couch and show up.

Speaker 18 See what I did there.

Speaker 2 See what I did there. Also, what J.D.
Vance said to the couch.

Speaker 12 Also,

Speaker 2 also the fact that he said, see what I did there, just 100% dad, 100% of the time, could not help himself.

Speaker 2 The pull-my finger, Vice President.

Speaker 2 Cannot wait. Cannot wait.

Speaker 2 Republicans have tried a bunch of different lines of attack on Walls, including lying about his military service and hitting Walls on his response to the protests in Minnesota in 2020.

Speaker 2 Then the Harris campaign on Wednesday tweeted unearthed audio of Trump from 2020, in which he praises Walls for his handling of the George Floyd protests.

Speaker 2 I fully agree with the way he handled it the last couple of days.

Speaker 5 I asked him to do that, and the whole world was laughing.

Speaker 11 Two days, three days later, I spoke to the governor, and the governor's, I think I'll recall that he's an excellent guy.

Speaker 2 There it is, the first Tim Walls fact that made me go, oh no, what did he do?

Speaker 2 So far, the best insult Republicans have been able to come up with for Tim Walls is tampon Tim based on a bill Walls signed into law requiring all public school bathrooms to stock free menstrual products for students.

Speaker 2 This is, yes, they're very frustrated by this, which is in keeping with Project 2025, which says if you need a tampon, it means you're not pregnant enough.

Speaker 7 Also,

Speaker 12 also,

Speaker 2 one of our writers at Kirker, Julia Clare, made this point in a tweet, which is that people being upset that boys might see a tampon

Speaker 2 seem to forget that boys use a bathroom in their homes that they often share with girls and moms.

Speaker 2 They have seen tampons. And yeah, I did see a tampon as a kid, and it did turn me gay, but that was only because

Speaker 2 I unwrapped it.

Speaker 2 They're

Speaker 2 safe in their little package.

Speaker 2 It doesn't get on you unless you open it.

Speaker 2 Thousands of attendees began chanting at the Harris campaign in Eau Claire, Wisconsin on Wednesday as they waited for Kamala to arrive.

Speaker 2 Show me what democracy looks like.

Speaker 20 Oh, Claire.

Speaker 2 The crowd was treated to a hype-up performance from none other than Bonnie Ver.

Speaker 2 If you would have told me six months ago I'd be crying at Bonnie Ver playing battle cry of freedom at a Kamala Harris rally, I'd have said, How do I make fire? Why am I going on survivor?

Speaker 2 I can't believe this is happening.

Speaker 2 When the crowd started chanting, lock him up during Kamala Harris's speech, not about Bonnie Vear, about Trump,

Speaker 26 Harris said this.

Speaker 20 Well, hold on.

Speaker 14 You know what? The courts are going to handle that part of it.

Speaker 14 What we're going to do is beat him in November.

Speaker 2 And then lock him up, right?

Speaker 8 Right? Yeah, I mean, sure, yeah, yeah. We're gonna beat him.

Speaker 2 She can't say it. I get why she has to say that, but.

Speaker 2 J.D. Vance also held a rally in Eau Claire as counter-programming to the Harris Walls rally.
Ew, Claire.

Speaker 2 Here's Vance answering the question, what makes you smile? What makes you happy?

Speaker 27 Well, I smile at a lot of things, including bogus questions from the media, man.

Speaker 27 I mean, look, I think if you watch, if you watch a full speech that I give, I actually am having a good time out here, and I'm enjoying this. But look, sometimes you got to take the good with the bad.

Speaker 27 And right now, I am angry.

Speaker 17 Okay,

Speaker 2 I'll just put you down for angry then.

Speaker 2 The reporter responded, imagine being asked as a politician, what makes you happy? And instead of saying, my kids, my wife, baseball, and Jesus, you say, fuck you, scumbag.

Speaker 2 That's what makes me happy.

Speaker 4 Ha ha!

Speaker 4 Ha ha ha!

Speaker 2 Ahead of their respective rallies, Vance and Harris's planes arrived on the same tarmac in Eau Claire.

Speaker 2 Vance tweeted a photo of himself with his posse on the tarmac with the caption, This Entourage reboot is going to be awesome.

Speaker 2 There we have the picture.

Speaker 2 Vance stole my idea for Entourage Oops all turtles.

Speaker 2 I've always said what entourage needed was more guys to take place in Eau Claire, Wisconsin.

Speaker 2 A reporter asked Vance the softest of softballs, and Vance crushed it as always.

Speaker 28 Why would people in Wisconsin want to have a beer with you?

Speaker 20 Well,

Speaker 18 I guess they'd...

Speaker 28 They'd want to have a beer with me because I actually do like to drink beer.

Speaker 10 Woof.

Speaker 2 Well done, Mr. Vance.
Very lifelike. I do feel for him a little bit because he is trapped in an impossible position.

Speaker 2 He is constantly being asked a version of when did you stop masturbating outside of a school? Like, are you cool? Do you have fun? What makes you normal?

Speaker 2 You can't answer these questions without seeming like a full-fledged fucking alien dweeb.

Speaker 2 I like to do all the normal things people do.

Speaker 23 There's no way out.

Speaker 2 What would make someone want to drink a beer with you? I love beer. Beer is fun.
I will have fun having a beer. Show don't tell.

Speaker 2 Show don't tell. Tim Walls simply cannot stop undermining J.D.
Vance, even unintentionally.

Speaker 2 Case in point, the Star Tribune reported this week that Walls' drink of choice is incredibly Diet Mountain Dew, the very same soda Vance suggested the woke mob couldn't handle.

Speaker 2 It's remarkable that no matter what, we're going to have a vice president who drinks Diet Mountain Dew.

Speaker 2 It might be a good time to invest in yellow five futures.

Speaker 2 Also, I just, when I heard that J.D. Vance drank Diet Mountain Dew, I thought, ew, weird choice.
Then I heard Tim Walz drinks Diet Mountain Dew, and I thought, have I not given Diet Mountain Dew

Speaker 2 a chance?

Speaker 2 Sincerely, that was my reaction.

Speaker 2 Literally, two weeks ago, we did a joke about J.D. Vance doing the fucking Diet Mountain Dew.
We're like, gross, weird, no one would pick that. Then Tim Walz does, and I'm like, I was wrong.

Speaker 2 I really will have it. I'm going to try it.

Speaker 2 On Thursday, Donald Trump, clearly seething after weeks of bad headlines about Vance and his campaign, held a press conference from Mar-a-Lago.

Speaker 2 In the press conference, Trump lamented that President Biden left the presidential race.

Speaker 11 Tell you what, from a constitutional standpoint, from any standpoint you look at, they took the presidency away. And people were saying he lost after the debate.
He couldn't win.

Speaker 11 Well, I don't know that that's true necessarily.

Speaker 2 You go, look, we've all been there. Relationship ends.
You go, no contact for a few weeks. Then you see a picture of him, and it's like, was he that whispery?

Speaker 2 When asked how Trump has shifted his campaign strategy to take on Kamala, Trump said this: I haven't recalibrated strategy at all.

Speaker 11 It's the same policies: open borders, weak on crime.

Speaker 11 I think she's worse than Biden because he got forced into the position. She was there long before.

Speaker 2 Trump went on. It's in other words, time's up for Kamala Harris.
Then he held up this cool picture of a clock he drew.

Speaker 2 For those listening at home, that was

Speaker 2 a clock as if Trump has some kind of degenerative mental condition.

Speaker 2 At one point, Trump says this of the vice president.

Speaker 11 She destroyed San Francisco. She destroyed California.

Speaker 2 Trump is, of course, referring to the mid-90s when Harris and a squad of commandos took over Alcatraz and threatened to launch VX nerve gas at San Francisco if their demands weren't met.

Speaker 6 Or is that Ed Harris?

Speaker 2 No, it was Kant. It was Tom Harris.

Speaker 2 Trump also accused Tim Walls of being heavy into the transgender world.

Speaker 11 She picked a radical left

Speaker 11 man

Speaker 11 that is

Speaker 11 got things done that he

Speaker 11 has positions that are just not, it's not even possible to believe that they exist.

Speaker 11 He's going for things that nobody's ever even heard of. Heavy into the transgender world, heavy into lots of different worlds.

Speaker 2 Continued Trump. Plus, I don't even think he's attracted to his own daughter.

Speaker 2 Then

Speaker 2 Trump added ominously, be careful, Tim Walls. If you die in transgender world, you die in real life.

Speaker 2 Trump also praised his running mate.

Speaker 18 And I have to tell you, J.D.

Speaker 11 Vance has really stepped up. He's doing a fantastic job.

Speaker 2 He's like the son I never had three times.

Speaker 2 Trump Trump bragged that his January 6th speech drew larger crowds than Martin Luther King's.

Speaker 11 Nobody spoke into crowds bigger than me. If you look at Martin Luther King when he did his speech, his great speech, and you look at ours, same real estate, same everything.

Speaker 11 Same number of people, if not, we had more.

Speaker 2 Still, Trump was realistic about his lack of appeal to certain voting blocks, but feels confident about others.

Speaker 11 I seem to be doing very well with black males. This is according to polls, as you know.

Speaker 11 It's possible that I won't do as well with black women. White males way up.
White males have gone through the roof.

Speaker 23 White males way up.

Speaker 2 Some even on the roof. Trump.

Speaker 12 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Trump, meanwhile, should drill even deeper into those crosstabs.
He's absolutely killing it with retired white male alcoholic stepdads who have never used sunscreen.

Speaker 2 He's got a lock on men who will one day be told to sit down because they do not understand the rules of family court or women who get too drunk at an Applebee's and then say, oh, you can't even talk anymore when shushed by a couple splitting a romantic lava cake on the 20th anniversary of their first date at that Applebee's.

Speaker 2 Trump also filmed yet another ad for the Kamala Harris campaign when answering the question, would you direct your FDA, for example, to revoke access to the abortion medication mifopristone?

Speaker 11 You could do things that will be, would supplement absolutely. And those things are pretty open and humane.

Speaker 2 This is Trump saying he will try to ban by executive action abortion using Miff or Pristone, even in states where abortion is legal, exactly as Project 2025 and that witch who told me to start a podcast predicted.

Speaker 2 Trump also dodged a question about Florida's referendum, which he'll be voting on as a state resident. How are we planning to vote on Florida's abortion referendum is not occurring?

Speaker 12 Well, I'm going to announce that.

Speaker 11 I'm going to actually have a press conference on that at some point in the near future, so I don't want to tell you now.

Speaker 2 Can't tell you now. He's got to save some bullshit for the next press conference.
He's depleted his body's strategic bullshit reserves.

Speaker 2 Can't possibly tell you how he's voting on the Florida Abortion Amendment now. That's what the next press conference is for.
He's at this press conference. This one's not about that.

Speaker 2 In other news, the Texas middle school banned all black outfits from their students' dress codes, citing concerns about students' mental health.

Speaker 2 Texas, as usual, keeping their eyes on the prize by protecting kids from the biggest threat they face, moody looks.

Speaker 2 Said the school's principal in a letter to parents all black clothing has become more associated with depression and mental health issues and or criminality than with happy and healthy kids ready to learn when asked if they were planning any other ways to make sure kids were mentally healthy they simply shrugged their shoulders and said guns

Speaker 2 It's another classic case of not understanding the difference between correlation and causation. They don't get sad because they're wearing black.

Speaker 2 They're wearing black because they don't even have the words to describe the ways in which they feel trapped by the conditions placed on their existence or because they're chic.

Speaker 2 I just wanted to know that whoever corrected my original spelling of the word chic, that's crazy how I spelled it.

Speaker 2 Because I spelt it like a chic.

Speaker 2 Like a religious figure.

Speaker 19 And I knew it looked wrong,

Speaker 2 but I couldn't fix it. I sound things out.
I once put in a speech for Hillary Clinton,

Speaker 2 she was referencing Seoul, South Korea.

Speaker 15 I wrote S-O-L.

Speaker 2 Isn't that nuts?

Speaker 2 I shouldn't have been in that job.

Speaker 2 I was too young.

Speaker 2 Fuck. Speaking of depressed people who wear a lot of black, we turn to news from Europe.

Speaker 29 All right.

Speaker 26 Sure.

Speaker 2 Three Taylor Swift concerts in Vienna were canceled after Austrian officials said they'd arrested two men over a planned terrorist attack.

Speaker 2 A dissident, radicalized sect called the 1975 has claimed responsibility.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't like their politics either. Meanwhile, at the Olympics, a Belgian triathlete became sick following a dip in the Seine.

Speaker 2 Rumors swirled that the polluted river had itself made her fall ill, though it wasn't clear if that was the case.

Speaker 2 Yeah, said France, it could have been any of the polluted European urban sewer gullies that they spent 750 meters gargling through last week.

Speaker 2 Triathlete Claire Michel said subsequent testing showed it was a virus, not E. coli, that gave her vomiting and diarrhea.

Speaker 2 Yay, she went on to say, holding a bucket on the toilet in case yet another dubele krap, which is Dutch for double whammy.

Speaker 8 According to Google Translate.

Speaker 2 Still, officials report bacteria levels in the Sen have fluctuated during the games, causing them to cancel pre-triathlon test swims and delay the men's triathlon by a day.

Speaker 2 Fortunately, the levels of fecal bacteria in the river were reportedly very good on the day of the individual triathlon competition. Having the right mindset can be so powerful.

Speaker 2 I'm a real glass of fecal bacteria half-full guy myself.

Speaker 2 According to a new study, New York subway riders were exposed to exceptionally high levels of air pollution.

Speaker 2 In response, Mayor Eric Adams has already deployed an additional 57,000 cops into the tunnels

Speaker 2 to combat the issue. The study also shows exposure to air pollution can cause fluctuations in affect or mood, which increases the long-term risk of mental health issues.
Hey, I'm sulking here.

Speaker 2 And finally, eight female sea lions outfitted with cameras are now broadcasting previously unknown sea lion habitats under the ocean.

Speaker 2 And you can catch all the exciting drama this fall on Big Brother after Bark.

Speaker 2 Up next, Kamala Harris is waltzing on Sunshine. We'll be right back.

Speaker 33 Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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Speaker 24 What's poppin' listeners?

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Speaker 29 And we're back.

Speaker 2 Well, folks,

Speaker 2 we have done it again. Somehow, the toughest book in Impolitics, The Woman of the Hour, the Great Not White Hope of the Democratic Party.
Please welcome the next President of the United States.

Speaker 2 It's Vice President, Kamala Harris.

Speaker 12 Hi. Hi.

Speaker 23 Good to see you.

Speaker 2 I'm like your morning Joe, you know? You just come out.

Speaker 8 It's a safe place.

Speaker 14 I come and we chit-chat.

Speaker 2 We chit-chat a little. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Madam Vice President, it's so great to see you again. Thanks for fitting us into your busy schedule.

Speaker 14 Oh, yeah. You know, I love coming to talk to you, John.
Yeah, can I tell you something?

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 14 I don't know where I am

Speaker 14 or what this is.

Speaker 14 And that is the context in which I thrive.

Speaker 2 I know I said this the last time you were here, but once again, big week, big announcement.

Speaker 14 Oh, yeah, you caught that insta live. Yeah, it's true.
I started watching this nature show about tiny animals, okay, and it changed the way I see the world. You have no idea how big we are, John,

Speaker 14 relatively speaking, of course.

Speaker 17 Um,

Speaker 32 what no, I

Speaker 2 meant Tim Wall. I mean, Tim Wallace.

Speaker 3 I'm talking about Tim Walls.

Speaker 14 Oh, right, right, right, right, Tim.

Speaker 14 Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim,

Speaker 14 Tim. I love Tom.
Isn't he great?

Speaker 14 Now, okay, imagine how huge Tim Walls looks next to an Etruscan shrew. It's the world's smallest mammal, okay?

Speaker 14 Weighs less than a jelly bean.

Speaker 2 And that was my first reaction, too.

Speaker 2 But tell us a little bit about how this process went. How did you choose Walls?

Speaker 14 Well, I'll tell you, John, there was a time, okay, and it was about two weeks ago,

Speaker 14 when I would have told you that, you know, all white guys were the same right interchangeable

Speaker 14 there are two kinds Doug

Speaker 14 not Doug

Speaker 5 but

Speaker 14 you know then you start talking to them

Speaker 14 right you start noticing all the little differences some of them are from Pennsylvania right

Speaker 14 While some are from Minnesota.

Speaker 14 Some of them ride tractors. Others enjoy films, okay?

Speaker 14 There's a great deal of diversity within your community, John.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they say no two are exactly alike, except Mark Kelly, because he does have an identical twin.

Speaker 32 Right.

Speaker 14 And for that reason is why he is out, okay?

Speaker 14 Adults should not have twins, John.

Speaker 14 That is for children.

Speaker 14 Grow up, okay? Two of you? No.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Republicans are saying that you bow to to progressives by choosing walls. What do you say to that?

Speaker 30 Uh, bitch.

Speaker 14 Have you seen this, bitch? He looks like a butter sculpture of a guy who does butter sculptures.

Speaker 14 They want to paint a Midwestern veteran who owns guns and loves hunting. Okay, as a radical leftist.

Speaker 14 He looks like the man at the hardware store who tells you you're buying the wrong kind of sandpaper. Okay?

Speaker 14 And then you realize there's different kinds of sandpaper.

Speaker 14 You find out Tim's a big early supporter of gay rights. And you're like, for real?

Speaker 14 That's real. The guy looks like if his son came out to him, he would stand up, silently load his fishing gear into his truck.

Speaker 14 Come back three days later and then pretend like the conversation never happened. Okay, so you go girl

Speaker 2 Yes Tim Walls does look like he knows his way around a football stadium.

Speaker 14 American football. Okay.

Speaker 15 Right, right, of course.

Speaker 14 None of this British stuff, soccer pride.

Speaker 2 But progressives do like him. Bernie Sanders was even urging you to pick him.

Speaker 14 No, that's true, yeah. Bernie called me and he went, you know, Camela, the American people want a president they can have a bowl of soup with.

Speaker 14 And then he hung up before I could say anything back to him.

Speaker 14 And you could tell from the hang-up sound that he was calling from a payphone.

Speaker 32 Huh.

Speaker 6 Weird.

Speaker 4 And yes,

Speaker 4 okay.

Speaker 14 Progressives are excited that Tim has backed policies like child tax credit, okay, free school lunches, abortion rights, automatic voter registration, and universal background checks.

Speaker 14 But you know who else likes those things, John?

Speaker 6 Whom?

Speaker 14 The overwhelming majority of normal ass Americans.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 14 The kind of people who have garages, shit like that.

Speaker 2 And that's a great point.

Speaker 14 I mean, what's their line of attack here? You know, oh, Pinko, Kami Tim Walls, fed too many hungry school children.

Speaker 14 Fuck that piece of shit, am I right?

Speaker 2 There's also been some reporting that you picked Walls because you were worried that Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro, the other finalist, was too ambitious that he would steal the spotlight.

Speaker 2 Me?

Speaker 14 Afraid of a Josh?

Speaker 2 No, not afraid of a Josh?

Speaker 15 That's a wine.

Speaker 14 That's not a guy.

Speaker 14 Listen, Josh Shapiro, okay, is great. He fixed that highway in 12 days.

Speaker 8 12 days.

Speaker 14 12, that's awesome.

Speaker 14 Okay, so his speeches sound exactly like Obama. Who gives a shit? We all have an Obama impression.

Speaker 2 Not me. I do not have one.
I have never even tried.

Speaker 36 Good boy.

Speaker 2 But look,

Speaker 2 if you weren't caving to the Antifa socialist, what was the deciding factor here?

Speaker 14 John, this ticket, okay, is about a lot of things. Defeating Donald Trump.
Protecting...

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 14 Protecting American democracy, okay, restoring reproductive rights.

Speaker 14 But from day one, this ticket has been about something very near to my heart, okay?

Speaker 14 And that's vibes.

Speaker 14 And Tim Walls brings a lot of things to the table, okay? But one of those things is vibes.

Speaker 2 And I think that's undeniable. I feel like I've been drinking a spiked hot chocolate all week.

Speaker 14 Yeah, the vibes have been off for too long, John. America needs a vibe shift more than J.D.
Vance needs an eyeliner tutorial.

Speaker 14 And for some metaphysical reason that no political scientist can explain, Tim Waltz, the 60-year-old Piglet Holding, former high school teacher from Minnesota, is the man with the vibes to make that happen.

Speaker 14 I mean, did you see the video we put out of our phone call where I told him he was my pig? Did you see that chemistry?

Speaker 2 It's a great video. I think we have a clip.

Speaker 14 So let's get out there and get this done, okay?

Speaker 9 Let's do it. Do the work in front of us.
Let's win this thing.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 14 All right, buddy. I'll see you soon.

Speaker 4 Take care. Thank you.

Speaker 20 Okay.

Speaker 5 Bye.

Speaker 14 Shoot. They cut out the whole 20 minutes where we yapped about hot dish recipes and cleaning supply selection at Marshall's.

Speaker 14 Let me call my team real quick.

Speaker 2 I think the vibes came through, but we'll let you get to work. Vice President Kamala Harris, everybody.

Speaker 2 Camel is the new pussy hat.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Vice President Harris.

Speaker 14 Thank you.

Speaker 12 Coming up,

Speaker 2 Hari Kondabalu and Pete Holmes get the bronze in the golden rule.

Speaker 29 And we're back.

Speaker 2 Please welcome to the stage two guys who are definitely in the running to be my vice president.

Speaker 2 It's the hilarious Hari Kondabalu and the hysterical Pete Holmes.

Speaker 2 Come on out.

Speaker 12 Hello. Welcome.
Hello.

Speaker 13 Good to see you. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Good to see you both.

Speaker 32 Thanks for having me.

Speaker 36 I don't like they use the same superlative. We're both hilarious.

Speaker 15 No, no, you were hysterical.

Speaker 9 Oh, what is he?

Speaker 38 Hilarious.

Speaker 32 Yours is slightly gendered, yeah.

Speaker 8 I don't know if I'm like ladies?

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, you know. Freud?

Speaker 37 Like, yeah, you're

Speaker 37 a fainting couch.

Speaker 39 Right, exactly.

Speaker 36 Thanks for joining me in this riff.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 2 That's what I'm here to do.

Speaker 9 I really meant it.

Speaker 2 And I appreciated it.

Speaker 8 We're being sincere.

Speaker 2 Sorry, Harry, we're talking.

Speaker 15 Yeah, I know, I see that.

Speaker 9 I see that.

Speaker 4 No, this is.

Speaker 6 We're riffing on Freud. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 40 No, it doesn't. I had, I had a thing, but it's a real, it's dead now.

Speaker 2 Do you think, do you think, speaking of dead, do you think that people spoil movies because of the Freudian death drive? I do.

Speaker 36 Because everything's meaningless?

Speaker 23 They want to destroy.

Speaker 7 There's this instinct.

Speaker 2 If you hear somebody hasn't seen something and you have it, and then you say, oh, please, I'm going to go see it. You're like, oh, God, I want to tell them what fucking happens.

Speaker 2 That little part of you that wants to destroy it. Is that about that?

Speaker 40 Is that the same instinct that when you know somebody's an alcoholic and you keep offering them a drink? Is that like the same kind of

Speaker 23 sure? Yeah. I think that's it.

Speaker 26 Dude, what's the worst that's going to happen?

Speaker 32 Do it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, that's, yeah, I mean, equally destructive thing, spoiling a Star Wars drink.

Speaker 37 Make kids be more interesting. Take it.

Speaker 15 Take it. Yeah.

Speaker 23 Does drinking make kids more interesting?

Speaker 40 I think they have more of a story, I'd imagine.

Speaker 40 I think they're fit for stand-up at that point. That's right.

Speaker 9 It's true.

Speaker 2 Pete, you host a podcast called You Made It Weird.

Speaker 37 A hysterical podcast.

Speaker 26 Hysterical.

Speaker 2 What are your thoughts on Tim Walls branding Republicans as weird?

Speaker 36 I thought of my dad, who if you say something's weird, people are like, oh, it's not extreme enough. You should say they're insane or they're criminals.
No, weird is worse than any of those.

Speaker 30 You go like, what a bunch of willows.

Speaker 37 Like, that's my father.

Speaker 4 Huh?

Speaker 32 Oh, he's right.

Speaker 39 They wear the red hats and they're in the parking lot and they're fucking weird.

Speaker 30 He's out.

Speaker 36 I thought it was genius. And you know, it's not just like a, whoops, I said it.
There was a lot of marketing and a lot of research behind that.

Speaker 2 Well, he said it on pod save America in February so when he was a guest on our show a couple months ago he said that to Tommy and you all fucking biffed by not catching it

Speaker 31 so how about that I mean the thing is I

Speaker 40 weird is our thing on the left that's always been our thing our cities are weird that it's part of who we are it just feels like almost like creepy yes creepy feels appropriate

Speaker 20 too strong i think it's too strong

Speaker 2 tales from the crypt is creepy They're weird. I think that there's good weird and bad weird.
And we're obviously talking about bad weird. They're bad weird, like make you uncomfortable weird, not

Speaker 2 enjoy a tonal music weird, you know?

Speaker 40 Uncomfortable weird, you mean creepy.

Speaker 2 Yes, I'm comfortable with creepy. I was just, I didn't want to just immediately disagree with Pete, who is wrong on this.

Speaker 20 But there's a long on it. Yeah.
Creepy is.

Speaker 37 Creepy's bad.

Speaker 36 And there is Good Weird. Good Weird is a bar that's an arcade that's a strip club, Portland.

Speaker 6 Yeah, Portland.

Speaker 9 That's, yeah, we want Portland weird.

Speaker 37 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 40 Like Trump is creepy. He does creepy things, weird relationship with his daughter, right?

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 40 The other guy, come on. I mean, just the couch, the whole thing.

Speaker 2 It's a creepy energy. It's a creepy energy.

Speaker 39 Yeah, that's wrong.

Speaker 36 You can't drive right at it.

Speaker 2 I think there's a sweetness to weird.

Speaker 2 Oh, you don't like it? No, no, I do like it. I think it's the right thing.
I like weird is great. I don't, I, I hear you that like, wait, wait, wait.
We like weird.

Speaker 2 We're the ones that welcome all the weirdos. I totally hear you.
But there's something about the way Tim Walls describes them as weird.

Speaker 2 You like him and hate them, and you don't hate the weird people we like.

Speaker 10 Right. That's all.

Speaker 17 I agree.

Speaker 2 You two are both fathers. Yeah.
Are you relieved to see Tim Walls, America's new dad, out in front?

Speaker 36 Yeah, it's time we have dad energy at the podium. I like that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, isn't it interesting, though, it's a specific kind of dad energy? Because obviously all the previous presidents have been men. They've mostly been dads, and yet they don't have dad energy.

Speaker 2 I agree. But Joe Biden is a very caring and loving parent.
I remember the Republicans put out a very...

Speaker 40 He has great grandpa energy.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 he has grandpa energy. That's totally right.
Because there was a clip that came out of voice.

Speaker 39 You mean great-grandpa or great-grandpa?

Speaker 40 Oh, I meant great-grandpa.

Speaker 33 Like, he's very old.

Speaker 2 Oh, he has both great-grandpa energy and great-grandpa energy. Okay, there you go.
And because he is quite old.

Speaker 15 Yes, yes.

Speaker 36 You could say he has great, great-grandpa energy.

Speaker 2 Yes, it was definitely, I was definitely worried that one of his grandchildren would have a kid before November. Oh, God.

Speaker 2 Because then we have a news cycle about a great-grandfather in the White House, and I was like, no.

Speaker 29 Gilf. Yeah.

Speaker 40 it's weird to have an ancestor as the president.

Speaker 2 Yeah it's pretty high up on that family tree.

Speaker 2 But there was this beautiful voicemail that he left for Bo when Bo was really struggling that Republicans put out as being incriminating but really caught him just saying we got to figure I love you we got to figure out what's because he was in the middle of a drug abuse crisis and it's just this moving thing of like Not you just like the best thing you would ever hope a father could say, which is like I love you even though you're doing these things and having this horrible experience, and that's causing all of these negative consequences.

Speaker 2 I love you, and we got to get your help, and I don't know what to do. And it's like a very moving thing.
Anyway, that's dead energy, but just not the same.

Speaker 31 It's, I never thought it was fair.

Speaker 40 I still don't think it's fair that they go after Bo Biden because I'm sure there have been tons of kids of presidents in the past who had fucked up lives that we just didn't know about.

Speaker 40 Like John Adams and then his grandson, John Quincy Adams. What the fuck happened to that middle Adams?

Speaker 2 Yeah, what was that guy up there?

Speaker 37 How did that leap happen loved ketamine

Speaker 19 the first to discover opium

Speaker 2 gentlemen the paris games have begun and it's become my entire identity one thing i've noticed uh is that i absolutely could do the synchronized high dive if somebody just asks me

Speaker 2 i'm with you i also do believe that vaulting is just running really fast and then you just put your arms down and then you go up.

Speaker 30 Yeah, it'll put you up.

Speaker 30 If you're running with a very long noodle,

Speaker 30 all you have to do is stop and plant it and it does the rest.

Speaker 32 Right.

Speaker 30 The noodle should get the medal.

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like how the horses should get the fucking metal.

Speaker 30 The horses should get the medal.

Speaker 37 They don't give it to the horses.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But I do believe I could do that.

Speaker 30 I think I could shoot.

Speaker 36 The turkey guy made me think I could shoot.

Speaker 37 Yeah.

Speaker 4 I've played duck hunt.

Speaker 2 I definitely feel like

Speaker 30 we've played Duck Hunt.

Speaker 36 Lethal Enforcers?

Speaker 2 Oh, hell yeah, Lethal Enforcers.

Speaker 26 Cheers.

Speaker 15 I didn't know what you were doing.

Speaker 13 Honestly.

Speaker 2 I didn't know we were cheersing.

Speaker 40 I'm very disappointed in the U.S. only getting five shooting medals.

Speaker 8 Like, you would think, what was this all for then? You know what I mean?

Speaker 38 At least it was the one thing out of our culture.

Speaker 40 I'm like, well, that's what we're good at.

Speaker 31 And here are a bunch of golds.

Speaker 3 Just five?

Speaker 2 I know, it sucks. Don't you think that there are these, like, sometimes you'll find out, like, there's like just a new event added, and you're like, that's low-hanging fruit.
I could do that.

Speaker 2 Like, we should be trying. In the same way that I feel like, like, more people should be making

Speaker 2 shorts that they could submit to the Oscars. Like, that feels like, that feels like the one to go for.

Speaker 30 No, you made your point very beautifully. I also think if I got up at 3.30 a.m.
and swam for 12 hours every day, I could be in the mix.

Speaker 3 Every day.

Speaker 30 These are just the idiots that were so stupid they didn't know not to give their life to the chlorine waters.

Speaker 2 No, in fact, I think you'd be stupid not to start trying to become an Olympic swimmer tomorrow.

Speaker 2 There was somebody talking about this thought experiment, probably on TikTok. That's where all my information comes from at this point.

Speaker 2 Brain fell out of the back of my head. But that basically,

Speaker 2 if you were in a groundhog day situation,

Speaker 2 is this your perfect day? And then I pinched it. How far into it are we for you?

Speaker 30 Can I pinch a fly perfectly?

Speaker 2 Bless you.

Speaker 5 Damn it.

Speaker 30 You keep trying.

Speaker 36 Most times, they do.

Speaker 2 Next time you come, you put a little dust in. Yeah.
You got to set it up.

Speaker 2 But if you were in a Groundhog Day situation and the way to get out of the Groundhog Day situation was you had to beat Garry Kasparov at chess,

Speaker 2 would you ever do it?

Speaker 2 An infinite number of days, an infinite amount of practice. Every day you sit down, you play Garry Kasparov, win or lose.
If you lose, you reset. Could you ever win?

Speaker 40 I mean, it's so hard because initially you got to spend at least a few years like getting over the fact it's so fucking boring. And that's like, that's just like, I don't want to do this.

Speaker 40 Like, every day is like, I don't want to do this. And eventually you're like, all right, let me do the thing.

Speaker 36 I don't want to get two CIA black ops on this. But I wouldn't play chess.
I would only probe him for things that really upset him.

Speaker 36 So that when I play them, I go like, oh man, Susie didn't want to dance with you. And then he's on tilt.
Right. These are poker terms.
Right.

Speaker 30 Plays poorly.

Speaker 36 I win. Who's in an infinite loop now?

Speaker 2 Not you. Maybe Garry Kasparov.

Speaker 40 I've thought a lot about like, like when people talk about going back in time and killing Hitler, everyone says they're going to kill Hitler.

Speaker 40 It's like such a direct thing, and they probably won't because killing a human being is not an easy thing to do.

Speaker 40 What I've always said is go to Austria when he's a failing art student and buy his shit. Like that was what he needed.
What he needed was grant money.

Speaker 32 You know what I mean?

Speaker 36 That's very interesting. I thought you were going to say when his parents were conceiving him and push his dad at the

Speaker 13 right

Speaker 41 night

Speaker 41 has been wasted.

Speaker 26 And it's sizzling on the ground because it's so evil.

Speaker 19 So the Olympics. Oh, yes,

Speaker 23 that's good. I'll just say that.

Speaker 2 Well, I guess if the question is, right?

Speaker 2 That voice is very.

Speaker 2 No, it's not.

Speaker 41 It's basically Bill Birds.

Speaker 3 It's a little different.

Speaker 2 You rarely get a Hitler's dad impression.

Speaker 2 I actually can't think of a time I've ever thought about what Hitler's dad sounds like, and I guess he just sounds like Hitler.

Speaker 30 Sometimes Hitler would be in his speech, he's like, father?

Speaker 2 I don't like Hitler's dad's watching it on television and be like, My boy, that's right, he's an angel.

Speaker 40 How many more years until the Germans stop being a punchline? Like, at some point, some point, I'm sure, we stopped making fun of the Mongols, right?

Speaker 6 Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

Speaker 36 That was thousands of years ago, right?

Speaker 15 Yeah, yeah, so it's we're in the middle, we're in the prime, yeah, we're right in that middle.

Speaker 2 No, this is the sweet spot because we're at the point where we can be pretty sure that anyone directly responsible is dead, right?

Speaker 2 Right, right, so we could just, so it's just a crime of their society, right?

Speaker 15 Right, right, You know?

Speaker 15 Right.

Speaker 40 When people make fun of us about the genocide, right, sure.

Speaker 39 We're going to lose Italian first. It's a me, Mario.
Right, right.

Speaker 36 We'll be like, our kids are going to be like, dad,

Speaker 26 Nintendo was racist.

Speaker 41 And we'll be like, it was a different time.

Speaker 31 Like,

Speaker 32 that's over.

Speaker 41 This is right.

Speaker 21 We're losing.

Speaker 41 I love a spaghetti.

Speaker 26 And I am just okay. We're all.

Speaker 41 Come and give me a kiss on the lid.

Speaker 9 The pizza boxes.

Speaker 32 The pizza boxes.

Speaker 2 Like, no, no, no. We drew a caricature of an immigrant 150 years ago, and all the pizza boxes have to have that immigrant on it.

Speaker 2 A specific version of an Italian immigrant must be on the market.

Speaker 2 Captures that whole entire group of people.

Speaker 32 And they're like, think of your mama for the picture.

Speaker 4 He's like, ah, mama.

Speaker 38 Now, for a segment we call the More Olympics.

Speaker 24 Oh,

Speaker 33 More Olympics.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 4 I look good in that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's good.

Speaker 36 My hand is too big.

Speaker 36 And I'm the same guy as Hari.

Speaker 40 Yeah, my hand is white.

Speaker 33 So yeah, there are some issues.

Speaker 40 There are some issues with the graphics.

Speaker 26 And we weigh the same?

Speaker 15 Yeah, you do weigh that

Speaker 15 much bigger than the same.

Speaker 2 You do weigh the same. You do weigh the same.

Speaker 33 Morally, we are equal, though.

Speaker 2 Again, this is a podcast. The fact that there's a graphic at all is genuinely shocking all right

Speaker 2 here's how it works full respect we're in the middle of an international gigantic sporting event and there have been some ethical quandaries raised and so we're going to explore them in this segment first off is it morally defensible to make olympic athletes swim in the river sine knowing it's full of human poop and hypothetically could give them diarrhea and vomiting if bacteria levels spike too high They trained for this.

Speaker 19 They knew what was going to happen.

Speaker 38 If you can't dodge a turd, you don't belong in our games.

Speaker 40 Well, at some point, they knew it was going to be in Paris. It was going to be, they could have backed up.
I'm like, I'm not swimming in that.

Speaker 6 No, he's making anybody do it.

Speaker 36 Didn't they say they were going to clean it in time for the games and then they just didn't?

Speaker 2 Yeah, classic French.

Speaker 2 The center will be ready for the Olympics in about three to six months. But from now, but they have a pool.

Speaker 2 They couldn't have figured out a way to use the fucking pool. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Use the pool. Use the pool.

Speaker 39 Use the pool.

Speaker 2 Because Katie Ledecky does 1500 meters in that thing. So they clearly do races of that length.

Speaker 17 Right, right.

Speaker 2 So use the, Can they not? They couldn't come up with a way to use the pool.

Speaker 40 Yeah, but this is funnier, though.

Speaker 2 It is funnier. It is funnier.

Speaker 40 They were well aware this is hilarious that we're going to. I mean, I feel like there are athletes who are playing with COVID, you know, and we've accepted that.

Speaker 40 So if some athletes end up with typhoid, is that real?

Speaker 36 Well, on a more serious note, that's fucked up.

Speaker 6 Yeah. I don't like it.

Speaker 17 Yeah. Get in the pool.

Speaker 2 I mean, guess give everybody kind of like a good kind of penicillin shot. Get in there.
You know? know? It's like we have the cure for these things, you know? And also, it's like,

Speaker 2 like, I got terrible, terrible food poisoning in Mexico, and I am sure it was probably equivalent to what you would get from the River Sen.

Speaker 8 And there was no medals.

Speaker 12 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 36 You deserve one. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is it morally acceptable to root against the athletes from North Korea? And then, as a follow-up, is it okay to root for them?

Speaker 2 Here are some North Korean ping ping pong players taking a selfie with their South Korean and Chinese counterparts, and it's very cute.

Speaker 30 That's a high angle, bro.

Speaker 36 High angle. Respect.
Everyone's going to look great in that picture.

Speaker 30 Let me handle the face issues you don't have.

Speaker 15 Yeah,

Speaker 2 you guys don't have to worry about holding that camera up for many years.

Speaker 36 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 32 Tight.

Speaker 30 I think this is great.

Speaker 2 I don't. I root for the North Koreans.
I absolutely. I root for the North Koreans because it's like

Speaker 32 this is it.

Speaker 2 Well, there's that. But I just mean that like this is a one.

Speaker 2 This is an experience. They go home to something and it's not good.
Yeah. This is good.

Speaker 40 Well, I really, look, if you're an American shot putter, for example, right? And you don't win, what's the worst that happens? Oh, no, I'm not going to be part of the professional shot put league.

Speaker 28 Whatever, right?

Speaker 40 It's a waste of time, right?

Speaker 8 Whatever.

Speaker 40 If you're North Korean and let's say you're expected to win because you happen to be good at it and you don't win, that might be it.

Speaker 40 That might be the highlight of your life and the last moment, right? And I feel like we have to support them because it means something.

Speaker 2 We don't give a shit about shot put, we don't give a shit about any of this.

Speaker 40 This goes away. We care about gymnastics until next week.

Speaker 6 I mean, that's

Speaker 2 fucking dare you.

Speaker 2 I know all about gymnastics and not just the last six days. I will know more.

Speaker 2 I will continue to remember it happens and all of my favorite athletes, including the ones that I saw and some of the ones I didn't see.

Speaker 2 The USAID Artistic Swim Team moonwalks upside down to Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal.

Speaker 11 These ladies broke out the moonwalk.

Speaker 21 What? Yeah.

Speaker 21 Upside down.

Speaker 21 What?

Speaker 21 Take a look. Oh,

Speaker 21 that's impressive. That's cool.

Speaker 2 So, Smooth Criminal.

Speaker 2 I think it's fine to use it now that he's dead. Thoughts?

Speaker 36 Why do it when Alien Ant Farm did a better version?

Speaker 15 Wow.

Speaker 36 Okay, if you want to listen to Michael Jackson guild-free, guild-free, two words.

Speaker 37 Weird Al. You're good.

Speaker 30 Just listen to Eat It.

Speaker 39 Just listen to Eat It. Yeah, if you're not laughing, you're under 40.

Speaker 32 Remember fat?

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Oh, Eat It is fat.

Speaker 36 Eat it. No, no, no.
Eat it is different from fat.

Speaker 30 I'm fat is bad. Eat it is beat it.
He loved body shaming.

Speaker 2 That's another thing.

Speaker 32 Shots fired.

Speaker 32 We're going for you, Al.

Speaker 39 How about penitent Al?

Speaker 32 I'd like to see that.

Speaker 2 As if weird Al Jagievic fears being canceled. He lives in a different ethereal plane.
The man can imagine that. The idea of him being canceled.
Never. Not possible.
Not today. Not today.

Speaker 2 What do you think? Smooth criminal? Yes or no?

Speaker 40 Well, I don't know. If you're willing to put your head underwater for an extended period to listen to Michael Jackson, that seems fair.

Speaker 36 Why not? Your head's already in the sand.

Speaker 15 Nice.

Speaker 38 Nice. Do you guys get the issue? People worry he's a pedophile.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 38 So the head in the sand thing, are you aware that that's an expression?

Speaker 30 Because that was fire.

Speaker 2 I think now that he's dead, the songs are back. Is that not right?

Speaker 2 What's the harm?

Speaker 2 No, that's it. We never get to listen to them again.
They're such good songs.

Speaker 32 We fucking can't.

Speaker 20 Elvis, to come real to listen to Elvis?

Speaker 36 Smooth criminal isn't the moonwalking song, though.

Speaker 7 That's an important point as well.

Speaker 15 Yeah, it is.

Speaker 30 That's my issue. It's not the people who say he...

Speaker 36 It's the wrong song.

Speaker 6 What was the Moonwalking song then?

Speaker 36 I don't remember. Does anyone know?

Speaker 6 Billy Jean.

Speaker 6 Oh, man.

Speaker 26 That was awesome.

Speaker 36 You're going to go home and just look at yourself in the mirror and be like, I knew it.

Speaker 38 Like, I want you to.

Speaker 36 I want you to just kind of.

Speaker 31 Billie Jean's a very creepy song.

Speaker 19 Of course it is.

Speaker 2 He's a creepy fucking guy, but he's dead, so the songs are back.

Speaker 40 It's also unrealistic, like, like, the kid is not my son.

Speaker 33 It's like, yeah, we know.

Speaker 36 What about the girl is mine?

Speaker 15 Paul McCarney's like, the girl is mine.

Speaker 38 And he's like,

Speaker 37 very weird. The voice was questionable.

Speaker 2 Speaking of dicks, is it morally tolerable to have watched French pole vaulter Anthony Amarati's now infamous defeat by dick moment seven times and then four more times?

Speaker 7 We have the clip.

Speaker 26 Yes.

Speaker 38 There's the poll of newing boya.

Speaker 38 The only thing that would have made it better is if Looney Tunes added the

Speaker 36 utter perfection.

Speaker 37 What's the real win, though?

Speaker 26 He has that the rest of his life.

Speaker 6 Absolutely.

Speaker 32 Gold fades.

Speaker 2 That's incredible.

Speaker 36 You know what I mean?

Speaker 30 Gold fades.

Speaker 36 Dick hitting the pole stays alive.

Speaker 2 Here's the thing. What would you rather do than 20?

Speaker 26 Are you kidding me?

Speaker 30 The rest of your life you can go up and be like, you see the Olympics?

Speaker 2 Well, I'm just, the thing is, though, if you wear your medal to the bar, you'll be like, oh, this?

Speaker 7 Right.

Speaker 2 Paris, 2024. But with this, you got to find the way back to the conversation and show people.

Speaker 15 Are you kidding me?

Speaker 30 TP, baby.

Speaker 36 Tight pants. That's the medal you don't take off.

Speaker 7 That's right.

Speaker 31 That guy.

Speaker 32 That's true.

Speaker 2 He has the gold around his

Speaker 26 waist.

Speaker 8 Oh, he won the gold before he got to the games.

Speaker 15 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 30 God gave him the gold.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 33 If it was small, it'd be, it'd be, we should, it would be me.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 40 Yeah, then it'd be like, why are you making fun of this guy with a small penis?

Speaker 2 Well, that's, we wouldn't even, he would have won. No, that

Speaker 2 he'd just be a guy that won a medal.

Speaker 30 That's exactly my point.

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 30 Do you want to be just a fucking guy that won a medal, or do you want to be the guy with a hong-dong?

Speaker 2 He was offered $250,000 by a porn site for an hour-long cam sesh.

Speaker 6 What would he say?

Speaker 2 It's not on the card.

Speaker 37 $250,000 seems low. I could get him more than that.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 2 For something that lasts forever?

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. At least two cents.

Speaker 2 And he lasts forever?

Speaker 2 I don't understand your moral calculation here.

Speaker 2 If you listen to a song by Michael Jackson,

Speaker 2 what happens?

Speaker 2 So you're saying that other people that might abuse people and make music would know that after their death, their estate would continue to be enriched based on their music.

Speaker 23 I just try to understand

Speaker 2 what the moral harm is of listening to a Michael Jackson song that only gives money to his estate, which is not him,

Speaker 2 which is a legal entity.

Speaker 40 So it's really, what do you have against Paris, Jackson, is what you're saying.

Speaker 8 Right.

Speaker 37 Or blanket.

Speaker 6 Or blanket.

Speaker 38 I couldn't remember the kid's name.

Speaker 9 That's right.

Speaker 36 Well, you are asking a culture that

Speaker 30 we don't know what to do.

Speaker 36 It's not Michael Jackson. I don't mean to get too serious, but it seems like an interesting podcast.

Speaker 36 It's not. Trauma, sexual abuse is a trauma, but one of the worst parts of it is the gaslighting.
It didn't happen. There's no consequence.
People know that in families.

Speaker 36 A lot of people have Thanksgiving with their abusers. And when you play Michael Jackson at a wedding, it's like, look, we all know this person.

Speaker 36 We all think this person's a rapist, but look, we're all going to dance. It's that.
It activates that wound. So it's not the Michael Jackson estate.

Speaker 36 It's the one in six women that have been sexually abused that are uncomfortable.

Speaker 2 But I can still listen in the car.

Speaker 36 Yeah,

Speaker 36 you can listen in the car.

Speaker 6 Okay, then.

Speaker 15 By the way, I... I think it's weird at a wedding.

Speaker 2 I think you're making a good point.

Speaker 30 Yeah, I think it's that.

Speaker 37 It's the culture of like, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 36 As long as you're rich and powerful and catchy, you can do whatever you want.

Speaker 2 But yes, but I think he should have been held accountable when he was alive.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Sure.

Speaker 36 And we could push Hitler's dad off his mom.

Speaker 2 I honestly think probably if you just held Hitler's dad up for 15 minutes, it's different sperm.

Speaker 33 Ooh, that's a very interesting.

Speaker 30 Change his breakfast.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just or just like, just

Speaker 2 put a package in the hallway he has to walk around. Just that little jostling is going to be a different sperm.

Speaker 36 If he had pancakes instead of an omelette, no Hitler.

Speaker 2 No, just it were just slightly worse Hitler.

Speaker 31 Fire the gun, Mike.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Hari and Pete. Check out Hari's special Vacation Baby on Hulu Now.
Listen, he made a weird, which I plugged at the beginning.

Speaker 12 Oh, there you go. You are a pro.
I'm a good guy.

Speaker 2 We're all here, Jadding.

Speaker 40 Don't go anywhere.

Speaker 33 Love it or leave it. There's more on the way.

Speaker 24 What's poppin', listeners?

Speaker 34 I'm Lacey Mosley, host of the podcast Scam Goddess, the show that's an ode to fraud and all those who practice it. Each week, I talk with very special guests about the scammiest scammers of all time.

Speaker 34 Want to know about the fake heirs? We got them. What about a career con man? We've got them too.
Guys that will wine and dine you and then steal all your coins.

Speaker 34 Oh, you know they are represented because representation matters. I'm joined by guests like Nicole Beyer, Ira Madison III, Conan O'Brien, and more.

Speaker 34 Join the congregation and listen to Scam Goddess wherever you get your podcasts.

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Speaker 29 And we're back!

Speaker 15 We're back!

Speaker 2 You're doing great. Project 2025 is the buzzy, ominous phrase you've probably already heard.

Speaker 2 Over at strict scrutiny, the trio of badass constitutional law professors is breaking down the full 900-page project into four-part series within your Monday episodes.

Speaker 2 Host Melissa, Leah, and Kate scoured all the fine print for you because lawyers are sick freaks who love that shit, but not creepy.

Speaker 2 Stay informed about the far-right agenda and its real-life implications for tens of millions of Americans as we head into this election cycle by listening to strict scrutiny wherever you podcast or on YouTube.

Speaker 2 Also,

Speaker 2 hot dogs,

Speaker 2 Lake Michigan, a rich history of corrupt politicians. Chicago has it all.
And love it or leave it is coming back to the windy city on August 23rd at the Vic Theater. Great plug, John.

Speaker 2 Join me as I welcome Marcela Arguello, Liz Winston, and Allison Reese to debrief after the DNC and talk about whatever new deranged thing we assume J.D.

Speaker 2 Vance will have said between now and then about women and/or Diamond Mountain Dew. Get your tickets now at cricket.com slash events.

Speaker 17 All right.

Speaker 17 Make it fun.

Speaker 2 All right. Please welcome back to the stage the incredibly funny Allison Reese.
Yellow.

Speaker 13 Hi, Allison. Oh, yes.

Speaker 14 Hello, for the first time.

Speaker 2 For the first time, Allison, good to see you.

Speaker 42 Hello.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 32 How are you? Hi. Hi, I have a hat now.

Speaker 37 I like both ways.

Speaker 2 To toast toast our boy Tim, as if we haven't done that enough this evening, we wanted to close out the show with a segment we're calling Dad Vibes Only, in which we will celebrate the most dad-like quality we love and sit.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 32 What the fuck?

Speaker 14 What about this is dad vibes?

Speaker 2 I think it's saying no, no new balances, no fantasy league, no service.

Speaker 2 I am stopping non-dad vibes from entering. You have to have dad vibes in the world.

Speaker 39 You're the secret service.

Speaker 15 I get it. All right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, let's spin it.

Speaker 20 Pete, it's landed on you.

Speaker 2 What's your dad vibe?

Speaker 36 Yeah, you know, this is going to sound like a bit, but this is the first time I'm sharing this.

Speaker 36 Now that I'm a dad, just overnight, I've become very interested in whether or not people break down boxes before they put them in the recycling.

Speaker 36 Like, I had to talk to other men in their 40s. I was like, that's the thing, right? I'm obsessed with the thermostat.

Speaker 36 I'm obsessed with breaking down boxes, and uh, yeah, I don't know when it happened.

Speaker 2 Do you have a box cutter?

Speaker 36 I use scissors.

Speaker 2 See, here's the thing: you got you realize why the box cutter exists.

Speaker 2 You just have a box cutter in a drawer that is for this purpose, and all of a sudden, you're like, The what I have been doing is so fucking stupid. Really?

Speaker 2 Because you take out the box cutter, slicy, slicy, slicy, gone. Scissors you're fucking around with, yeah, box cutter, man.
It's called box cutter,

Speaker 36 it's the anteater of handheld knives.

Speaker 2 Exactly, exactly.

Speaker 32 It reminds me of...

Speaker 36 Somebody actually told me a joke where it's a dad and he's dying.

Speaker 37 And it's a joke.

Speaker 9 It's just a joke. You don't like it.

Speaker 9 You're going to hate where it goes.

Speaker 26 I'm just kidding.

Speaker 36 No, it's a classic setup.

Speaker 30 Throughout history, we've told deathbed jokes. It's a genre.

Speaker 36 It's a dad on a bed. He's on his deathbed.
And he goes, my daughter, daughter, are you here?

Speaker 42 And she goes, Father, I'm here. I'm here.
It's okay. I'm here.

Speaker 29 He goes, wife, wife, are you here?

Speaker 42 She goes, Yes, sweetheart, we're all here. We're all here.
He goes, Son, son, are you here? And he goes, Daddy, I'm here. I'm here.
We're all here. He goes, You're all here.

Speaker 42 They go, Yeah, we're all here. He goes, Why is the kitchen light on?

Speaker 38 Nice. And I relate hard.

Speaker 39 Nice. Overnight, I became those are my dad vibes.

Speaker 8 Dad vibes. Dad vibes.

Speaker 2 You think we work for the electricity company? Am I right?

Speaker 26 Just send the check, huh?

Speaker 41 Just send the check.

Speaker 2 Let's spin it again.

Speaker 36 What if this is a true random wheel and it lands on me again?

Speaker 2 Allison,

Speaker 2 what's your dad vibe?

Speaker 14 My dad vibe is

Speaker 14 I now hunt for whenever cups are left out around the apartment.

Speaker 14 And there's a lot of them, and all of them, I go, whose goddamn cups are these? All over the apartment.

Speaker 14 But the part that's not dad vibes is that all the cups are mine.

Speaker 14 That, and if someone's watching TV and I like it, I stand off to the corner

Speaker 14 just in agreement about the show, you know, not really participating or enjoying it, just being like, Yeah, that's happening there.

Speaker 14 And then leaving when I feel there's a good break. Not the commercial break, but a break for me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, a break for you. A break for you.
Jazz, what's happening? All right.

Speaker 30 That is a good one.

Speaker 36 I didn't know it was one until you explained it, and I'm like, that's a dad thing.

Speaker 2 That is a dad thing.

Speaker 15 That's good.

Speaker 2 All right, let's spin it again.

Speaker 9 Oh, it is.

Speaker 2 Who's it going to be?

Speaker 2 Tari, what's your dad vibe?

Speaker 40 I started wearing hats.

Speaker 40 Yeah, I never wore hats because my hair is the best thing,

Speaker 40 my feature.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 28 Without a doubt, is my hair.

Speaker 6 What?

Speaker 40 But

Speaker 2 I just don't feel like it's important anymore to look good.

Speaker 17 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 40 So it's just like, let me put a hat on. Like, does my hair look good today?

Speaker 25 Yeah, but who cares? Let me put a hat on it. If I could wear a mask, I would.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 26 Stop it.

Speaker 2 First of all, you do have great hair.

Speaker 6 That's right. But

Speaker 2 we're not going to sit here and let you be like, that's my best quality. It's kind of like a backhanded insult to yourself.
That's right.

Speaker 8 Absolutely not.

Speaker 2 We simply don't accept it.

Speaker 37 We don't. Tell them.

Speaker 17 We don't.

Speaker 36 Tell them what it is.

Speaker 26 Oh, it's.

Speaker 12 You can't. You can't.
You can't.

Speaker 9 Well, we both know, so you tell them no.

Speaker 42 It's your fatcha.

Speaker 30 You have a great face.

Speaker 32 Get out of here.

Speaker 36 You got a handsome, symmetrical, pleasing, pleasant face.

Speaker 31 Man, how did you know I'm recently single?

Speaker 15 Well done, Pete.

Speaker 22 Like,

Speaker 40 this was a fishing expedition if there ever was one.

Speaker 30 You're so thirsty, and I love it.

Speaker 32 I'll add to your hats thing, V.

Speaker 40 And any women want to be my third or fourth priority in life, anybody.

Speaker 32 So hot.

Speaker 26 With an inconsistent career.

Speaker 36 White undershirt t-shirt that I'll wear in public.

Speaker 38 I'll add to that.

Speaker 36 Also, I know I already went, but just because we're all jamming,

Speaker 36 sauerkraut. I'll just eat it straight.

Speaker 9 Ooh, very good.

Speaker 7 That's a dad. That's a sort of German dad.

Speaker 41 The teacher meets sizzles.

Speaker 5 Because it's evil.

Speaker 2 Because it's evil. That's how you know it's evil.
Well, yeah, that's how you know it's evil.

Speaker 39 Because it's sizzle.

Speaker 4 All evil things.

Speaker 2 It melts through the ground like alien blood. Let's spin it again.

Speaker 26 If it sizzles.

Speaker 2 Here's my dad vibe, and it is this.

Speaker 15 I know

Speaker 2 that no-show socks are now uncool. I now know this.
I can't. I know it.
Yep. Everyone cross your legs, millennials.
They're not cool. It's just, it gives it the Gen Zers, they think it's uncool.

Speaker 2 And it is the equivalent of the socks that our parents wore when we were this age. And yet, when I go to put on the socks that are,

Speaker 2 you know, of the moment, de rigueur,

Speaker 2 I don't speak French.

Speaker 2 Hot now,

Speaker 2 I feel strange. Like if I wear ankle socks, I'm wearing no show socks right now.

Speaker 2 And if I wear socks like the ankle socks that like the, that, that, are the, that are the fashion, I feel silly. I can't help but feel silly.

Speaker 2 And it's like, that's how you end up in whatever, whatever I am wearing is the equivalent of a Hawaiian shirt and fucking pleated khakis and new balances.

Speaker 2 Everyone's like, oh, no, news balances, they're dad shoes. No, they're not.
These are dad shoes because I'm the age of a dad. Sure, I'm childless.

Speaker 3 Thank you.

Speaker 40 If you want heavily discounted socks of high quality, the J. Crew Factory website is something else.

Speaker 2 That's one of my, I've gotten way into socks in recent years.

Speaker 19 J.

Speaker 32 Crew Factory.

Speaker 40 And I also am prudent with my money. And so

Speaker 40 if you wait at the right time, it'll be free shipping on the J. Crew Factory website.

Speaker 40 Saying 80% off potentially. You're getting a $20, $30 pair of socks worth $2,

Speaker 31 and they have to pay for the shipping?

Speaker 36 The sound of vaginas drying up.

Speaker 2 You know what's interesting about our rapacious capitalist system? I'll tell you.

Speaker 2 It's that at first there were outlet stores, and those were stores for the leftover stuff that they didn't sell in the proper

Speaker 2 regular stores. And those were extra, and those went to the outlets.
And then the outlets became a thing. And then the companies started making clothes specifically for the outlets.

Speaker 2 Now you can go and buy J. Crew Factory socks on the internet that are meant for the outlet that were meant for the real store.

Speaker 40 I got a pair with rockets on them.

Speaker 32 That are so cute.

Speaker 40 Rockets, I got a baseball one. Penguins playing hockey.
My God.

Speaker 40 You're telling me that's one of the best things about capitalism. I'm not a supporter of capitalism, but you're telling me I can get these socks for $2.

Speaker 2 I want all my socks to be the same. I want all my gym socks to be exactly the same.
I want all my life socks to be the same. And I want all my formal socks to be identical.

Speaker 2 I want to open a drawer in the dark and I want to know exactly what I'm pulling out, and I want to know exactly what the function is. I do not want to deal with options.

Speaker 7 Life is too complicated. How old are you?

Speaker 2 I am 41. Yep.

Speaker 36 Let's go, yeah. Because I'm agreeing with you hard.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 36 And those things show up right at the 4-0.

Speaker 28 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 36 I couldn't. I was tempted.
Maybe my comedic instincts were like, oh, I should make fun of you.

Speaker 10 I'm with you.

Speaker 36 And I, ever since I've turned 40, I'm obsessed with socks that stay up.

Speaker 39 Oh, they got it.

Speaker 36 If a sock starts to slide down, I'm like, who the fuck are you?

Speaker 15 That's right.

Speaker 20 That's right.

Speaker 15 That's such an important point.

Speaker 36 I can't handle it.

Speaker 40 Also, it feels like

Speaker 40 a special treat, like, because you're walking around every day and nobody knows what's really going on in your feet, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah. This became, by the way, this was a segment about what is something about you that has dad vibes.
It turns out 100%

Speaker 2 of the energy we're putting into the world is the energy of men in their 40s, just dad dad energy. And Allison,

Speaker 14 you know, I'll say this.

Speaker 14 You guys, I feel like, made fun of my hat, my socks,

Speaker 14 but no one's made fun of my overalls yet. And that's the most dad thing about my outfit right now.

Speaker 2 I think, well, I feel like you're queer in the overalls. I just think that they're...
Good. I don't think that's those.
I see what you're saying, but Tim Walls would not wear those.

Speaker 32 No?

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 2 I think that, like, a lesbian bartender would wear those. You know what I mean? In the best way possible.
Yeah. With nothing but respect.

Speaker 2 I'm in the middle of auditioning multiple kinds of, I bought one kind of boxers from a few different brands to sleep in so that I could land on one ultimate pair of sleeping boxers so that I could buy a hundred of them.

Speaker 2 And I hate it because right now.

Speaker 14 Love Excel spreadsheets.

Speaker 2 There was a time when I would, listen, I spent some time in an Excel spreadsheet now and again. Wouldn't be afraid of it.
Wouldn't be afraid of it.

Speaker 2 Did I once once compare the Chase Sapphire and the Amex Blue based on what percentage of my income was going towards gas, towards groceries, towards restaurants, and towards travel?

Speaker 2 And to discover where you would hit the line in which the Amex Blue was a better cash back card than the Chase Sapphire? No.

Speaker 31 I've done that.

Speaker 2 I've done it. Very good.
There's a dad inside all of us.

Speaker 2 And I think that's where we have to leave it.

Speaker 2 All right, we come back. We'll end on a high note.

Speaker 2 And we're back.

Speaker 2 All right, here it is, this week's high note.

Speaker 32 Hi, Love It.

Speaker 45 My high note is that earlier this year, in May, I was awarded tenure.

Speaker 45 I'm a psychology professor in the Midwest, and I'm just so excited to finally be the only kind of professor that you could ever see yourself being.

Speaker 45 But really, I'm very excited to get to continue teaching my students. And this year, I'm developing resources so that they can know how they can vote in November.
Just so excited.

Speaker 45 And that's my high note.

Speaker 45 Love the show and can't wait to see you on Survivor.

Speaker 2 Thanks, everybody, who sent in a high note tonight. If you want to leave us a message about something that made you hopeful, send us a voice memo to lowlyhighnotes at gmail.com.

Speaker 2 Or if you're a friend of the pod subscriber, you can leave it in the friend of the pod Discord in the Love It or Leave It channel or the high notes channel.

Speaker 2 And then maybe you get to hear it on the show, you know?

Speaker 17 Or maybe not, but probably, but probably.

Speaker 2 Don't get as many as we used to. Submit those high notes.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 2 That is our show. Thank you so much to Allison Reese, to Hari Kampabalu, to Pete Holmes.
There are 86 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great night and have a great weekend.

Speaker 2 Love it or Leave It is is a crooked media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg.

Speaker 2 Kendra James is our executive producer, Chris Lord is our producer, and Kennedy Hill is our associate producer.

Speaker 2 Hallie Kiefer is our head writer, Sarah Lazarus and Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, Will Miles, and Mohanad El Shiki are our writers. Evan Sutton is our editor.

Speaker 2 Kyle Seglund and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Stephen Cologne is our audio engineer.
And Milo Kim is our videographer. Our theme song is written and performed by SureSure.

Speaker 2 Thanks to our designer, Bernardo Serna, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital digital producers, David Tolles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGrowth for filming and editing video each week so you can.

Speaker 28 What is the secret to making great toast?

Speaker 14 Oh, you're just gonna go in with the hard-hitting questions.

Speaker 28 I'm Dan Pashman from The Sporkful. We like to say it's not for foodies, it's for eaters.
We use food to learn about culture, history, and science.

Speaker 28 There was the time we looked into allegations of discrimination and bon appetite, or when I spent three years inventing a new pasta shape.

Speaker 9 It's a complex noodle that you've put together.

Speaker 28 Every episode of The Sporkful, you're going to learn something, feel something, and laugh. The Sporkful, get it wherever you get your podcasts.