2 Woke 2 Pope

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What's up, Los Angeles?

Welcome to Love Your League and live from Dynasty Typewriter.

We've got white smoke in the chimney, so you know that means we got a great show for you tonight.

Kerry Kenny Silver is here.

And she'll ask, was I in this?

Then Zach Zimmerman joins us to talk good surprises and bad decisions right before we all wrap it up with the spoils of a show well done.

But first, let's get into it.

What do we?

Newly elected Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney met with Trump at the White House on Tuesday, less than an hour after Trump wrote of Canada on True Social, we don't need their cars, we don't need their energy, we don't need their lumber, we don't need anything they have other than their friendship, which hopefully we will always maintain.

They, on the other hand, need everything from us.

I want to say this is not how people maintain friendships, but now that I'm watching Real Housewives, I know that there are many ways to define friendship.

During the meeting, Trump mused about the economic and aesthetic benefits of Canada becoming our 51st state.

You know, I'm a real estate developer at heart.

When you get rid of that artificially drawn line, somebody drew that line many years ago with like a ruler, just a straight line right across the top of the country.

When you look at that beautiful formation when it's together, I'm a very artistic person, but when I looked at that beautiful, I said that's the way it was meant to be.

It reminds me of another failed artist I read about in school, but

I can't put my finger on it.

Finger on it.

Can't put my finger on it.

In response, Kearney put his Canadian foot down.

As you know from real estate, there are some places that are never for sale.

That's true.

We're sitting in one right now, you know, Buckingham Palace, that you visited as well.

That's true.

And having met with the owners of Canada over the course of the campaign last several months,

it's not for sale, won't be for sale ever.

Never say never.

Never say never.

Sorry, not sorry.

First of all, every leader comes to the Oval, we get to see their plan for how you deal with Trump.

That was excellent.

That was excellent.

That was fucking smooth.

He made him feel respected.

He told him no.

He did it by complimenting his home because he thinks of it as his.

You may think that the owners of Canada is a cute reference to the voters.

It's not.

Their names are Harold and Cynthia Bouchard, and they are the mild-mannered heirs to a beaver trap fortune.

After the meeting, a reporter asked Carney this.

I was watching your face through the meeting in the Oval Office, and I wondered what was going through your mind when the president talked about re-erasing the artificial border.

Well,

thank you for, I guess, for your question.

I'm glad that you couldn't tell what was going through my mind.

Oh, I thought

that was.

But she really couldn't, because Carney had fully disassociated.

Carney was actually thinking about how it makes no sense that in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones realizes the Germans are digging in the wrong place he just starts digging in the right place even though they are surrounded by Germans.

Let him right do it.

It's dumb.

What the fuck?

Oh my god, guys, they're digging in the wrong place.

Phew, let's come back in a few months.

No, tonight.

Leave it there.

It's been there for 2,000 years.

In other Trump real estate news,

our big bad boy on Sunday declared that he wanted federal law enforcement agencies to reopen Alcatraz.

What the fuck?

Alcatraz is, I would say, the ultimate, right?

Alcatraz sing, sing, and Alcatraz.

It sort of represents something that's both horrible and beautiful and strong and miserable, weak.

It's got a lot of qualities that are interesting.

One minor obstacle, Alcatraz hasn't been a functioning prison for 60 years and is currently a museum.

Though if you're 17 years old and on a family trip to San Francisco with your parents, it sure can feel like a functioning prison.

You want California to reopen Alcatraz?

Bitch, we can't even reopen the arc light.

Yeah.

The fuck.

Didn't make any sense what happened to the Arc Light.

For people who don't live in Southern California, we have a beautiful theater called the Arc Light, the Cinerama Dome.

Cinerama, it's a big dome.

And it closed, and not during the pandemic, and not even right after the pandemic.

They just kind of gave up like 30 yards from the finish line and never been an explanation as to what happened.

And it's never been reopened.

It's just sitting there closed.

Could have been seeing all kinds of movies there.

Could have seen Thunderbolts asterisk there.

Who knows what it's about?

But our creative boy was full of ideas on Sunday.

In a separate post, Trump announced that he would direct officials to begin the process of imposing a 100% tariff on any movie produced outside the U.S.

Congratulations to senior White House advisor Guy Branham, who pitched this idea as a joke last week on this show.

It was so stupid, it was a funny way to end the show.

What's a funny, stupid thing you can't put a tariff on, but wish you could?

Foreign films.

And then Trump is like, I have an idea what if he's listening

I'm the only one you can trust

wrote Trump the movie industry in America is dying a very fast death other countries are offering all sorts of incentives to draw our filmmakers and studios away from the United States Hollywood and many other areas within the USA are being devastated this is a concerted effort by other nations and therefore a national security threat.

Look, we all are here in Los Angeles.

We're alone together.

We can admit, he's cooking.

He's also so close.

It almost made sense, too.

Like, I don't think Croatia is making it cheap to film a Wes Anderson movie so that they can do a 9-11.

Trump was asked about the movie tariffs in front of a deafening helicopter.

Tariffs.

Other nations have been stealing the movies, the movie-making capabilities from the United States.

And I said to a couple of people, what do you think?

I've done some very strong research over the last week,

and we're making very few movies now.

Hollywood is being destroyed now.

So this is what it feels like when Trump speaks to your niche personal grievance.

Stay strong, John.

Democracy, Roe v.

Wade, for a 22-episode season of television shot in Burbank.

No!

Focus!

Keep it together, John.

Turns out Trump's very strong research, and this is real, is a conversation with actor John Voigt.

Yes, Voigt, who is one of Trump's ambassadors to Hollywood, along with Mel Gibson and William Foster, who is the character Michael Douglas played in the film Falling Down, met with Trump

over the weekend at Mar-a-Lago.

And in a video, Voigt said he presented Trump with a plan to rescue Hollywood, though it seems like tariffs were not part of it.

My fellow Americans and my peers of Hollywood, I recently met with our president, Donald J.

Trump, who loves the entertainment business, wants to see Hollywood thrive and make films bigger and greater than ever before, as he says, and see productions come back to American Hollywood.

Unfortunately, most of the plan is about developing what Voigt calls the DCU

or the deliverance cinematic universe.

Not interested in that.

He was in deliverance.

You guys know that.

It's a weird movie to make into

a universe because of what happens in it.

Because of the horrible business inside of that movie.

When asked about his Hollywood tariff plan, which made no sense and which he soon basically dropped, he blamed Gavin Newsom.

You have an incompetent, grossly incompetent governor that allowed that to happen.

So I'm not just blaming other nations, but other nations, a lot of them, have stolen our movie industry.

And I'm saying if they're not willing to make a movie inside the United States, then we should have a tariff on movies that come in.

Continued Trump, look at ratatuity.

We have our own rats right here.

And I bet they cook just as good.

On Monday, Newsom proposed an alternative plan, a $7.5 billion federal tax credit to support the industry, said Newsom in a statement, America continues to be a film powerhouse, and California is all in to bring more production here.

Building on our successful state program, we're eager to partner with the Trump administration to further strengthen domestic production and make America film again.

Come on, man.

You don't have to do his little slogan.

He gives you a noogie and you do his little slogan.

At least Gretchen Whitberg got the money first.

Get the money, then you can do the fucking slogan.

As Americans began to feel the effects of Trump's tariffs, Trump switched to a defensive crouch, arguing that families will benefit from austerity even if they struggle in the short term.

I don't think a beautiful baby girl needs, that's 11 years old, needs to have 30 dolls.

I think they can have three dolls or four dolls.

They don't need to have 250 pencils.

They can have five.

Five pencils?

What is she, a Rockefeller?

Meanwhile, Mattel confirmed this week that the price of Barbies will spike because of the tariffs.

In an effort to cut costs, the company announced that Malibu Barbie will temporarily be replaced by a Thousand Oaks Barbie.

And get this:

the Barbie dreamhouse is going to become a Barbie ADU.

Trump rejected the idea that the tariffs were negatively affecting the price of many items, despite reports that the cost of items like strollers and car seats were going up.

All costs are down.

Everything is down, other than, as Tristan said, the thing that could carry the navies around in.

Said Elon Musk, they're called women.

And they're more expensive now?

Even the American versions?

Last Monday.

Last Monday, air traffic controllers at Philadelphia's radar center lost contact with aircraft arriving at Newark airport, kicking off a ground stop and a days-long waterfall of delays and cancellations.

So scary.

Imagine dying in Newark.

Almost as bleak as being alive in Newark.

Thank you.

The ground stop came after a serious equipment malfunction, which isn't that surprising.

The agency has been perpetually maintaining equipment that, in some cases, dates to the 1950s.

We're trying to land airplanes with the Joe Biden of radars.

The radar keeps insisting it's fine, it won't step aside.

Feels like the radar isn't being shown all the data.

After Pete Buttigieg posted about our ongoing transportation crisis this week, Transportation Secretary and former road rules contestant Sean Duffy tweeted, we've achieved more in 100 days than Buddha Judge and Biden achieved in four years.

POTUS and I will continue the work of ripping out the green news scam and DEI for the American people.

Hey, Sean, less typey-typey, more keepy-keepy the airplanes in the sky, okay?

Secretary Duffy wasn't going to let.

The risk of more air disasters rent him from having a little fun over the weekend when he tweeted this photo of himself holding a plate of tacos with the caption, nice to come home on a Friday night to home cook steak tacos after a long week working at DOT.

Hashtag LatinaWife.

Heart emoji, salsa dancer emoji.

Straight marriage was so cool.

That's awesome.

On Monday, W went back to his home Turf Fox News to reassure the nation that there was no real danger when Newark stopped being able to talk to the planes.

Now, were planes going to crash?

No, they have communication devices.

They can see other air traffic like GPS in the airplanes.

But it's a sign that we have a frail system in place and it has to be fixed.

But it's not at all guaranteed that the planes wouldn't crash.

It's incredibly lucky that they didn't.

You can only say they weren't going to because we're here in the future where they didn't.

Hashtag LatinaWife.

The blackout was so stressful.

The Air Traffic Controllers Union confirmed that multiple employees took trauma leave following the incident, adding to the delays at Newark.

Sky death, they call it.

When for a moment you pierce the veil and see into God's sky lounge.

Also, none of you get any ideas about trauma leave.

We're making podcasts.

The worst thing that happens here is a drag queen cancels for the thousandth time.

While it was initially believed that the Newark gap in communication was 30 seconds, new information suggests air traffic controllers might have lost contact with pilots for as long as 90 seconds.

An airplane can go over 10 miles in 90 seconds.

In 90 seconds, you could make minute rice one and a half times.

You could have sex with enough time left over to make minute rice.

And on Tuesday, NBC News reported that air traffic control had lost radio contact with aircraft going in and out of Newark at least eight or nine times in recent months.

Going no contact, great for a breakup, terrible for airplanes.

Spiraling, bad for both.

A little champagne before noon, good for both.

According to the source in Newark Air Space Controller, in at least two instances since August, air controllers lost both radio and radar contact with aircraft landing at Newark, forcing them to land the plane with the most powerful instrument of all, prayer.

Said the source, these planes with people with lives in them are flying and no one is talking to them.

They were flying in the dark.

It was like a cone of silence.

We couldn't hear them, but I'm sure they were calling us.

Oh, is that why my pilot was screaming?

I thought he just found out about how expensive dolls are now.

On Tuesday, hashtag white husband Sean Duffy blamed the Biden administration for prioritizing woke instead of replacing the system themselves.

On top of that, they were focused on things like racist roads.

They literally spent time concerned about the word cockpit and changing cockpit to flight deck.

It's not funny, that's actually what they spent time on.

Two things can be true at the the same time, Sean.

That does sound like us.

Unfortunately, overall the traffic control system requires money from Congress, not saying cockpit is free, which is crazy because it's fun to say.

And free.

Cockpit.

Trump, meanwhile, took time during his UK trade deal announcement to blame Pete Budajej for air safety issues and to take a swipe at him for being gay.

And when they took over, Budadej,

who has no clue, you know, he drives to work in his bicycle with his, with his, in all fairness, with his husband on the back, which is a nice, loving relationship.

But he didn't have a clue.

This guy didn't have a clue.

And he's actually a contender for president between him and Crockett.

You can have that party.

And we will.

Trump's mind is interesting here.

He wanted to get the bike in, and he wanted to get the gay in, so now they're riding the the bike together.

But

it's pretty rich coming from Trump, when the only way he'd be able to ride a bike is if he was deployed by a drone onto a bike already in motion, and his wife pops up at the White House with the frequency of an older actress who plays a sitcom lead sassy mother.

We have a genuine problem that has gotten worse over decades.

It's a failure of Democrats and Republicans over many administrations, including Trump.

It will take time and effort and competence to fix it.

It's absolutely true that you cannot lay what is happening happening at the feet of Sean Duffy, hashtag LatinaWife.

But when the news moves on and like the clapback phase is over, we can't count on these people to do the slow, hard, grinding work of fixing these problems.

Already, already, they've made it worse.

According to the Washington Post, the FAA lost important career employees with vital institutional knowledge earlier this year due to Doge cuts.

Duffy and Elon Musk apparently got into an argument in the White House over it.

As documented in the Times, Duffy said, I have multiple plane crashes to deal with now, and you people want me to fire air traffic controllers.

Trump, of course, chimed in with his solution, just hire geniuses from MIT.

On Thursday, Duffy shared details about the overhaul, a three- to four-year plan to fix America's air traffic control system.

If we don't actually accomplish the mission that we're announcing today, said Duffy, you'll see new works in other parts of the country.

Just one big new work, as far as the eye can see.

Not on the radar system, of course, but out the little window.

But until then, don't think of it as more chances of a crash.

Think of it as more opportunities for miracles.

Miracle on the Bayonne Bridge.

Miracle on the Garden State Parkway.

Miracles.

You're going to find out which pilots have the Sully gene.

Speaking of believing in magic, Trump has nominated Dr.

Casey Means, a wellness influencer who dropped out of her surgical residency program for U.S.

Surgeon General.

Means has no government experience, dropped out of her residency because she became disillusioned with traditional medicine, hawks various supplements, and other products on her website, and has close ties to, of course, Health Secretary RFK Jr.

But don't worry, she's a Libra.

On Tuesday, the Supreme Court gave the Trump administration the go-ahead to enforce their trans military ban.

Let that be a warning to transphobes everywhere.

There are about to be thousands of trans people the government trained trained to kill out of uniform using whatever bathroom they fucking want.

And on the second day of the papal conclave, white smoke poured forth from the Sistine Chapel.

A new pope is upon us.

Can't believe the conclave ended in just a day.

About so many conclave snacks.

Now I'm just some idiot eating communion wafers and hummus for no reason.

And for the first time in history, the Pope is an American.

Yeah.

USA.

USA.

USA.

Not enough if you did it.

Robert Francis Prevost from Chicago has taken the name Leo XIV.

Itae Ursi.

That's Latin for goat bears.

According to one of my writers, his Catholic boyfriend

said the new Pope, I'm the friggin' Pope.

Prevost is seen as forward-thinking on many issues and oversaw one of Francis' most progressive moves, adding three women to the council that chooses the church's bishops.

He is, however, still conservative on most church matters and opposes women being ordained as deacons because he's not insane.

But, and this just broke before we recorded.

NBC News tracked down the new pope's crazy older brother.

He is a wild son of a bitch.

He's got, you know, look,

he's the Pope, but his brother's his brother.

And you're just not going to believe this freak.

Leo's ass is toast.

Let's take a look.

You said you spoke to him right before Conclave.

Tell me what that conversation was like.

Really?

First, we do Wordle, because this is a regular thing, okay?

Then we do words with friends.

It's something to keep his mind off

life in the real world.

And then we talk about what's going on, and I said, Well, do you have your red socks?

That doesn't go over well all the time.

And then just that kind of stuff.

And I said, Well, are you ready for this?

I said, Did you watch the movie Conclave so you know how to behave?

And he had just finished watching the movie Conclave.

So he knew how to behave.

Do I?

It's just hitting me.

The Pope,

every day, does the wordle.

We're all doing the wordle together.

At some point in the last couple of weeks, the Pope got down to that last one, and he wasn't sure if it was whack or shack.

And it was a fucking crapshoot, and he prayed.

He said, I think it's probably Shack.

I don't think they're doing whack.

Because of Conclave, the Pope knew how to behave.

He knew to pick up the turtles and put them back in the turtle area.

He knew that the key to the Conclave is gossiping with the boys.

Then he got to the end and he's like, I got to do what?

American conservatives freak.

American conservatives freaked out about Pope Leo immediately, with Laura Loomer declaring him a woke Marxist Pope for retweeting a supportive message about George Floyd, which called for the end of hatred, violence, and prejudice.

They were also mad that Prevost reposted Senator Chris Murphy,

as far as we can tell, the first pope to do that,

and shared an essay criticizing J.D.

Vance's assertion that Catholics must love those closest to them more than others.

Tweeted the future pope, J.D.

Vance is wrong.

Jesus doesn't ask us to rank our love for others.

That's specifically why J.D.

Vance joined Catholicism, though, to create a strict hierarchy of human beings where he is near the top.

If he he wanted to spread love everywhere, he'd be a Unitarian or a bisexual.

Poor J.D.

Vance.

New Pope, same old being hated by the Pope.

Time for J.D.

Vance to reset the sign.

It's been zero days since the Pope fucking hated you.

On Tuesday, a fighter jet worth $67 million fell off the USS Harry S.

Truman and plopped into the sea.

It was the third time this specific aircraft carrier lost a fighter jet a recent month, and the fourth major disaster if you count a collision in February.

For God's sake, Hegset, turn the woke back on.

You think the Navy can operate without woke?

Get real.

Look at those little outfits.

When reached for a comment, the Navy said defensively, it'll be fine, while slowly lowering the plane into a circus tent filled with rice.

Over in tech news, OpenAI founder Sam Altman rolled out the new Crypto Orb, a spherical device that scans a user's retina and creates a digital ID verifying they aren't a bot or AI program.

Also, it tells you when and how you'll die.

It wasn't even designed to do that.

It's just kind of a fun bonus it figured out on its own.

We have a clip.

No, thank you.

I'm all set.

Thank you.

No.

Look, I'm not a strong or big man.

I'm not a particularly brave man.

But let the historical record show I was dubious of the crypto orbs.

Here's Altman fielding questions about his new device.

What happened to your eyes?

Where am I going?

Do I need eyes to see?

It is Event Horizon.

It is.

A movie that fucked me up because I was too young.

It was on television and I was too young and I wasn't ready for Event Horizon.

You think you're going to a little science fiction romp in space?

The ship goes to literal hell.

You think, oh, wow, it's the guy from Jurassic Park and he's going back.

He's going into space.

That's exciting.

I can handle that.

Cannot.

Cannot handle it.

At a recent party in San Francisco, Altman invited attendees to scan their retinas in exchange for his cryptocurrency named World.

The event was a smashed success save for the one awkward moment when the orb started screaming about a coming American pope and a darkness that would envelop the world.

But somebody was like, hey crypto orb, play Fleetwood Mac.

And the party was back on track.

In non-Orb news, in case you're wondering why Marvel's Thunderbolts had an asterisk in the name, the studio spoiled the film by swapping out their billboards, revealing that the Thunderbolts are in fact the new Avengers.

In case you weren't wondering why Marvel's Thunderbolts had an asterisk in its name, congratulations, it sounds like you have a rich and fulfilling life.

Speaking of a rich and fulfilling life, Bravo announced a new addition to the Real Housewives Pantheon, the Real Housewives of Rhode Island.

You laugh, but the first time somebody hurls a bowl of piping hot clam chowder at a Pilates instructor, you'll all be on board.

But there's no cream in this, says Jasmine, the Pilates instructor, because you got got Rhode Island style, bitch.

The Golden Globes added a best podcast category for 2026.

Just to get out ahead of it now, I'm not jealous.

I'm happy with them.

I think they deserve it.

It's a great show.

And finally, the world's tallest and shortest dogs, a pony-sized great Dane named Reginald and a palm-sized chihuahua named Pearl, meant for a play date arranged by Guinness World Records.

Reginald soon received a second Guinness honor, history's fastest time for eating a chihuahua.

Nah, they had a good time.

Congrats to Reginald and his new hashtag LatinaWife.

Coming up next is Carrie Kennedy Silver.

She brings the comedy goal.

We'll be right back.

Hey, don't go anywhere.

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And we're back!

Please welcome to the stage.

She's not the president, but she did once head up the state.

It's the phenomenal Carrie Kenny Silver.

Hi.

Thank you for being here.

So nice to meet you.

Thank you for having me.

So you star in Tina Bay's new series, The Four Seasons.

Your character is a woman who's about to start a new chapter after decades of marriage, whether she wants to or not.

As somebody who's about to get married for the first time, this won't happen to me, right?

Oh,

why no, John?

Why would it?

I mean, it happens.

Listen, this lady, you'll see.

We'll watch the show.

Roll the clips.

And by clips, I mean the whole season.

No, I mean, no, it's not going to happen to you.

Because listen, this, it's a cautionary tale That after 20 years of marriage Which is this where I currently am in my marriage 20 years Yeah, there's work to be done You can't just sit back and expect it's just gonna run like a well-oiled machine if you don't oil it

So I am giving a life talk

It's on love and marriage So you've been married for 20 years.

I've been married 20 years.

So

my friends have been married a long time and they're all saying that watching four seasons is great, but it like hits because it's like dealing with stuff that happens in long relationships.

And they're all like, Oh, you're so lucky you get to watch it early in a relationship because you'd be like, This wouldn't be us, it could never be us.

There are many cautionary tales in the show, but also, I think you're gonna find pieces of your life already in there.

Everyone has said to me who's watched this series, I feel very seen, but not necessarily in a good way.

Yeah, I watched the first episode and I love, I love a show.

I love just watching well-observed couples doing normal couple stuff.

I just do.

And it captures a bunch of different ways you'll see couples.

And I like that there's a gay couple because I always just feel like

as

I have a certain like gay chauvinism, which is that like on some fundamental level, I do believe men and women truly hate each other.

And that I do.

And that, like, it just actually makes no sense.

Like, none of you should be together.

You're not compatible fundamentally.

You never were.

I'm going to call my husband really quick.

Yeah.

But, you know, the gay couples, things aren't always.

They're not always peachy.

Not always peachy.

And I, and I, that's not, and like, you know, not, I don't.

I saw La Cajo Faux.

Yeah.

I don't remember it.

You, yeah, I said, and I saw the birdcage.

Oh, there we go.

That's what I meant to say.

So

your character gets assigned strawberries.

Yes.

Because at some point the character wore something with strawberries.

Yes.

And then you became a strawberry mom because people thought you liked strawberries and bought a bunch of strawberry stuff.

In your real life, was there something you were accidentally assigned?

No, not really, but it happened to my grandmother.

And when she was older,

it was owls for her.

So it was just very easy to buy for her because it was like, of course, we'll get grandma an owl dish towel.

She'll love it.

And by the time she passed away, she had every surface was covered with owls because this woman lived a very long time.

But I found out towards the end, didn't like owls, never liked owls, hated owls, in fact.

But same thing happened as happens to my character Ann.

Someone gave her something.

Of course, she's not an asshole.

And she went, I love it.

And they're like, well, wait till next birthday.

And then the 40 or 50 after that.

I also do think it's really interesting because this is an adaptation of something from the 70s or 80s?

From 1981.

1981.

And I do think there's something important about the distinction between like the way boomers dealt with their shit and the way Gen X millennials deal with their shit.

And there's something about like, no, no, we communicate.

We've cracked it.

Unlike our parents, then you watch this, you're like, you didn't crack anything.

You didn't crack anything.

You didn't crack shit.

You didn't crack it.

You didn't crack shit.

But Tina Fay's writing is so, it is like a laser.

And she has these like observations that are so, you go, why has no one ever said that out loud before?

That's so completely accurate.

And it can be about something so minute.

So you were.

As most of the nerds in our audience know, you guys were starting the influential sketch group, The State.

Yes.

Featured in a new documentary called Long.

Thank you, Nerds.

It's at Tribeca in June.

It's almost 40 years after it was founded.

Of the Saints' 11 original members, who do you think is aged the worst?

Depends on the day.

Sometimes it's me.

No.

Well, listen, I'm wearing, you know, this doesn't just happen.

This is seven hours in the makeup chair.

I'm wearing four wigs.

Well, we're going to put out the time release because we're going to do one of those time release things like we made you a goblin from

Game of Thrones, or what's the one with the orcs?

The orc one?

Morc from Orc?

Lord of the Rings.

Gollum.

Yeah.

That's what I look like in the morning.

Just ask my husband.

We've had your state co-star Thomas Lennon on this show, and I think it's amazing how well he's hidden his cruelty and vindictive nature

from the public eye.

Just an absolutely horrible.

Talk about Gollum.

Just a horrible monster of a person.

Yeah.

Here's some quotes from Thomas Lennon backstage that we heard.

These are real quotes that he said to us in seriousness, and I would love to get your reaction to them.

You call this hummus?

Yeah, that sounds like Tom.

I smell a Jew.

Oh, yeah.

Doesn't love the Jews.

If I don't have a mint tea in my hand in the next five minutes, you'll be calling Madison 911.

He says that all the time.

He says that all the time.

I thought this was interesting.

I moved to Wisconsin to get away from all the taquerias.

Oh, yeah.

But that's just because he has a digestion issue.

I thought it was a race thing,

but it's mostly a digestive thing.

It's a dairy issue.

He said to me, you look like you've eaten dog meat before.

What kind of insult is that?

What kind of insult is that?

I don't know that that's necessarily an insult.

He might be giving you a compliment that you look like you're like an adventurous person.

Oh, I've taken you to look on the bright side.

I have been around this guy since I was 16.

That must be how you make it work.

Just look open-minded.

You got to have an open mind.

He said, how long is this going to take?

I'm parked in the intersection.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

These are classic Leninisms.

So what would you say to somebody trying to get started in comedy now versus what it was like when you got started?

Well, I don't really know what I would say to people, except make your own work.

I mean, that's what it's always been.

That's what it it was for us.

It's just the,

you know, the vehicle to make the work was different.

We used to do it on abacus.

You know, now you have these fancy teletype writers.

You know,

that's amazing because you used to, because you're doing all the math just by hand to make the state.

And people don't realize that.

It's a lot of computation.

It's a lot of computation.

It's a lot of computation.

Oh, figures was a bit.

I think that was about the state.

That's right.

That's right.

It was a documentary.

And sometimes if we want to make jokes real fast, we'll rub two sticks together.

Wow.

You just better hope it's not a damp day.

No, you know what?

Speaking of Alan Alda,

which you weren't.

We were.

No, actually, we were.

Aren't we always all up here

speaking of or thinking of Alan Alda?

No,

the original Four Seasons movie was written and directed by Alan Alda, and you were asking earlier about the guys.

I haven't totally lost it.

This is a thread that I'm expertly weaving in front of your eyes.

And you know what?

I see the tab is tricky.

I have the abacus is going.

And I'm going to get to the point.

No,

he called me and said, my grandson is graduating from university and he wants to get into acting.

I don't know what to tell him to do anymore because the business is vastly different from when he started.

Would you sit with him?

I said, oh, I would be honored, of course.

So I drove to lunch with him, not thinking anything, thought, oh, it's going to be lovely.

I'm going to meet Alan's grandson.

And I got to lunch and I sat at the table and I was like, shit, I don't know what to tell you either.

Because I guess if you would like to follow an example, get a group of idiots together in college and then get your own TV show.

Like, that doesn't happen, but make your own work.

Now there's the YouTube.

I have heard of it.

All the kids are doing it.

That's where I see people.

That's where I get my workout and recipe tips.

Yes.

But also comedy.

But also comedy.

There's such thing as comedy recipes.

Carrie.

What?

You've been a sweet-faced staple in Hollywood film and TV since the early 1990s.

It's time to test our audience mastery of your IMDb page in a segment we call, Was I In This?

Okay.

Here's how we're going to play it today.

We're going to try an experimental version, which is you're all going to play together, okay?

And you're just going to yell true or false.

All right, let's kick it off.

Carrie was only one of two original women members of the state alongside Wendy McLennan Covey.

True.

False.

You were the only female original founding member of the state.

Aww.

That's a cute pick.

I love that you cropped all the cigarettes out of that photo.

Yeah, we're like Spielberg taking the guns and cigarettes out of E.T.

Yeah.

Because E.T.

was a heavy smoker.

Yeah, why do they have that leathery skin?

You don't just get that

skin.

Think about it.

You talked in the last laugh pod about having a more masculine energy than some of the men in the state.

Do you think that energy has been a strength?

Well, out of context, that sounds curious.

What I was, I believe the original question in that podcast was, what was it like being the only woman in the group?

And my point always was, we just saw ourselves as a sort of, you know, amorphic group of comedy juice.

And so I just happened to be a girl.

But, you know, I played guys and I still do, and they play women.

And so it wasn't like, oh, guys, the girls here, you know?

Well, at least I hope it wasn't like that.

That's what Thomas said.

That's what Thomas said.

He said it was like that.

He said, have you ever met the girls?

God.

I really thought I knew him till tonight.

It's over.

I FaceTimed him all the way here.

That's true.

Really?

Yes, yes.

So you're still that close.

Yes.

What did you FaceTime about?

He was having a glass of wine.

We were talking about the four seasons and we were talking about how excited we are for the state documentary Premiere at Tribeca.

You know what I realize as I get older is that like one of the great parts, maybe the greatest part of getting older, is old friends.

Yeah.

There's no replicating it when you're young.

You can't understand it when you're young.

But to have a friend for 40 years is an extraordinary thing.

It's extraordinary.

And to also still really, truly like each other and want to work together, it really is, it is not lost on me.

I have a 19-year-old son.

So I'm watching him sort of, all of the kids, all the state kids are about the age or older than when we all met.

I met Tom at 16.

My son's 19.

And it's crazy to look at this young person and think, God, I was that when we met and said, hey, let's be friends forever and always work together.

And then we did.

Yeah,

it's crazy.

It's cool.

Do you want to do your next one?

Yeah, I do.

My character married serial killer Craig Pullen moments before his lethal injection and may have been impregnated with his child on Reno 911.

That's right, people.

My character, Trudy Weigel, was wed to serial killer Craig Pullen seconds before his demise.

There's a photo of me making out with the air because he had passed away.

Hello, Reno 911.

Are there any more Reno 911s on the horizon?

What have we done?

What are you doing?

I will never say never about Reno.

Yeah.

Nisi Nash seems to be the one that sort of rallies the group every time.

And we were in a press line for something.

It was unrelated to Reno.

She was ahead of me.

And she sort of winked at me during one of her interviews and passed on.

And I got to that interviewer, and they said, so Nisi just announced that the Reno 911 is coming back.

I was like, it is?

Better pull out my polyester.

Next up, Carrie played Jerusha Sturgis, wife of Glenn Sturgis, played by Mark McKinney.

True.

This is true.

I play.

Oh.

Only some of you guessed.

Cowards.

is also a beloved figure in sketch comedy because he was in Kids in the Hall.

What's the like,

how do you think about the Kids in the Hall energy versus the state energy?

Well, we're very,

we intermingle these days.

So there's, you know, back when, back in the day, I think we used to sort of think to ourselves like, oh, those guys, like, we're so just because we were in separate groups, like, well, you know, rival comedy groups.

Like the Sharks and the Jets.

That's it.

But we were, we had numbers on our side.

There was never any.

you could have beat.

I think in a fight, in part, just mostly because of the numbers, you could have taken the kids in the hall guys.

I think it's not too late for that.

And I think we could monetize it.

I think there have been worse ideas

pitched on this show in a state versus kids in the hall.

Smackdown.

Yeah.

And I do think

I would like to see it has to be as the chicken woman.

I think the fight needs to be.

Oh, no, everybody's their most iconic character.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

So Louis is dipping his balls into Mark McKinney's crushing heads.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That'd be fun.

That's great.

That'd be fun.

I played Paco's wife in Wet Hot American Summer.

Got it.

That is a trick question.

I did play Paco's wife.

It was filmed.

In the scene when Joe LaTruglio steals the motorcycle at the campground, David Wayne and I, or Paco and I, were inside that tent.

And we came out of the tent and had an uncomfortably long conversation about how Paco needed that motorcycle to get to his university where he was studying dentistry.

And it went on and on and on the whole time.

I was thinking, this is going to get cut, and it did.

Let's do one more.

You want to do the last one?

Yes.

Carrie, oh,

oh oh the last last one yeah we we i played pam on ellen degeneris's groundbreaking 1994 sitcom ellen

true or false

true false

trick question i played pam in ellen's slightly less groundbreaking but equally hilarious 2001 sitcom The Ellen Show.

Now, I wanted to ask about this because

you gave Ellen DeGeneres some

questionable advice when you were working together.

Would you tell us what that was?

So Ellen and I became very close while we were filming that show.

I adored her,

worked with her and Martin Moll and Cloris Leachman.

And I mean, it was just like a masterclass being on that show.

And we did not get picked up and it was very sad.

And at the end, Ellen said, you know, she confided in me, I'm thinking of doing a daytime talk show.

And I was like, uh, yeah, well, that's not a good idea.

I mean, for real, I thought that's a, that's a real, that's a real loser of an idea.

And so don't ever, ever take advice from me, really on anything, I think.

Well, because she went on to do a talk show famously.

She did?

Yeah, no, it was like a, it's like a big thing.

Are you serious?

It was like her next thing.

Oh my God, I'm going to Ti-Vo it.

You got to Ti-Bo.

Is it on Quibi?

You can Quibi it.

it.

You can Quibi it.

Yeah.

You have to watch it in little bits.

Okay.

On my phone.

Yeah, on your phone in little bits.

It's great online for Chipotle, but other than that, it's kind of a weird length.

Thank you, Gary.

The four seasons on Netflix now, and long live the state premieres at the Tribeca Festival this June.

Next up, he's got the magic.

And me, it's Zach Zimmerman.

Hey, don't go anywhere.

There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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Well, I think the purpose of skin is to keep your body's bits from falling out into the sidewalk.

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hi there it's andy richter and i'm here to tell you about my podcast the three questions with andy richter each week i invite friends comedians actors and musicians to discuss these three questions where do you come from where are you going and what have you learned new episodes are out every tuesday with guests like julie bow and ted Danson, Tig Nataro, Will Arnett, Phoebe Bridgers, and more.

You can also tune in for my weekly Andy Richter call-in show episodes, where me and a special guest invite callers to weigh in on topics like dating disasters, bad teachers, and lots more.

Listen to the three questions with Andy Richter wherever you get your podcasts.

And we're back.

Gotta muscle him.

Joining Carrie and I now is specialist called Surprise Me, but you can see him coming a mile away.

Please welcome to the stage.

It's Zach Zimmerman.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi, hi.

All right, surprise.

Hi, Zach.

Hello, hello.

Hi.

So cute.

I changed in the back seat.

There's been a wardrobe change.

Yes.

Got to keep them guessing.

Got to keep it.

Surprise.

Zach, you're here first and foremost to talk about the outfit.

I'm sorry to say.

We have to talk about it.

And it's not the one I'm wearing.

No.

I don't think.

For those who don't know, Zach made literal headlines around the world this year with his taste in clothing.

Can you explain to the audience what happened?

I

talk about this against my will, but I was in Florida and I matched with a guy on Hinge and I he asked me what I was going to wear to the date because it's Florida and it's warm outside.

You don't know if you wear shorts or not.

He's like, what's the vibe?

What's the fit vibe?

I don't want to look like a goober.

And so I sent him a video of myself.

I sent a picture of what I was going to wear.

And then I made a little get ready with me video because I thought it'd be cute.

Like, get ready with me to go on our date.

And see, we're getting an awe.

That's my one true love in the audience right there.

And then after I sent it, I was like, it'd be so funny if he canceled.

Like, it'd be literally objectively hilarious.

And then seven minutes later, he was like, I don't think we're compatible.

Let's

roll the clip.

Yeah, you might side with me.

To go on a date.

I don't know.

It's kind of giving.

How much light did we show?

I do have an adorable sweater.

See, I could have worn this.

Too

warm for that.

It's giving goober.

Oh!

So,

and wait, wait,

to be clear, and then dick pic.

Yeah.

Oh, lead with the gold, Carrie.

The hilarious thing is we're in an active text thread, and he seven minutes later is like, hey, as if we haven't spoken in two years.

I think it was ChatGPT that he like wrote that with.

Oh, like he, so he said, ChatGPT,

hey, I'm disgusted.

How to let this guy down.

I think it was a f I don't know.

Of course, he he was.

What do you wear that out about?

You were so sweet and adorable in that video.

Thank you.

And here's what I

genuinely like.

First of all, I saw it.

It's fucking hilarious.

I'm sorry, but it is.

And it made me so,

I had a genuine realization when I saw your video.

I did.

It's a small one, but it was.

Which is, I think he might be.

I think I might be gay.

I think I'm a gay man now.

Yeah, you've been made gay by this.

Welcome.

Welcome to us and Barry Diller.

Welcome to the Revolution.

Pretty neat.

Now the dick pic comes out.

But what I was thinking about is,

sometimes intimacy leads to sexual attraction.

And sometimes sexual attraction leads to intimacy.

But this, what I found so sweet about this is you were sort of being intimate.

There was an intimacy to what you were doing, but like,

I don't know what app this was, your tinders, your grinders, your okay's cupid,

hinge,

but but it seems to be a medium where it's just about sexual attraction has to lead to intimacy, but you can't have it the other way around.

And that made me sad for people that are trying to find intimacy on dating apps.

You just you don't think it was the shorts.

The socks shouldn't have been.

I was told last year the socks, high socks were in, and then apparently they're not.

So, I mean, if you really want to get into it, I actually think the socks are are a red herring on the outfit.

The socks, the socks are great.

You're right.

And by the way,

didn't you have to go, did you have to go through a process of realizing, like, I was always wearing like the very low socks.

Yes.

We were taught to not show the socks.

If you show the socks, you should fucking, you're a failure.

Yes.

You're an embarrassing failure.

Yes.

Well, because the previous generation had the high socks and we had the lower socks.

I'm saying it again.

Good, good, good.

Yeah, yeah.

Just keep that on a loop.

Going, going, going.

But it took me my brain a beat to start to actually start seeing the higher socks as better but now i do things we were mocked for as kids being gay wearing pants that don't fit are now cool but look i mean you're you're they mat it matches you don't look like a lunatic thank you actually this is the anatomy of the outfit is quite beautiful the socks don't perfectly match one of them has burton earnie on it because my friend works on sesame street the others don't

my mom bought me my mom bought me these shorts so when someone online was like did your mom dress you yes and my dead my dead grandma knit the shorts

and the shoes were from her too they were on clouds also ps your house is rad like this guy missed out that's the ultimate flex not my house even better jack kerouac's house i'm at a writing residency in florida he lived there for a year with his mom and they turned his house into a writing residency that's jack kerouac's house yeah

who is this fucking asshole let's go find him let's go find but like that was, what did you, what was your, what was your experience of the rejection?

Pain.

But also, I was like, this is gold.

I called a friend.

I was like, hey, this kind of hurts.

And they're like, he's dumb.

And then I was like, this is objectively funny.

And so I'll post it online.

And when I did, I thought people would laugh.

Like, ha, you got a date canceled.

But they sided with him and thought the outfit was terrible.

And so the headlines were like,

comedian and disgusting ensemble.

It's what he deserves.

Sites you didn't know existed, Daily Dot and stuff that shouldn't be.

Well, they invented a couple new websites to talk about this.

They're like, get a clue.org.

Look, on the bright side, it is going to be the number one selling Halloween costume.

Someone did say gay Halloween costume idea of this.

I haven't worn it since, but

I still own all the pieces.

I threw this.

Oh, I just thought you might have returned some of it to Kohl's.

No, because if it's on the sale rack, you can't bring it back.

It was always a sale, sales final.

It was your marriage.

It's hurting right now.

Their CEO just did some nasty things.

Oh, so lots of things.

I think a way to bring it down.

Yeah, I thought it was.

Well, actually, he just gave money to someone he was fucking, I think.

Oh, that's fine.

Yeah.

But I probably did a business transaction.

What?

That's just called a business transaction.

But what I've loved about this, when I hit, that was the first draft of the video.

One, I think it's so funny to make a get ready with me for your own date.

And I was like, this is me in a nutshell.

If he rejects it, and this was my first date in like six months.

We're going to be able to do it.

But

I was like, let me be who I am.

But see, but see, that's like, this is what I want to ask you about because it's like, this.

I can't.

There's post.

We can't.

But we're having the same reaction, which is,

you on some intellectual level understood when you sent this that I am great and if someone doesn't appreciate this they're not the right person but that can't be how it feels even if you know intellectually it's true oh yeah yeah the actual oh okay

let me ask you this you have to you know it and you have to feel it yeah you still haven't cried about this it's we're gonna do it now no we're getting there

if this had happened in person,

would it have been worse?

If you had shown up at the bar, no, no, but if he had oh

and He walked in the door

I really want to imagine this and he saw you this I'm trying to get it out of you I'm trying to we're gonna work through this tonight

Would would and he had said to you to your like I don't think this is like if he had done a like

I don't think this is gonna work down.

Well, yeah, he's got to see the socks

That would have hurt more oh, yeah, so because then it's like you're smelling me you're you're.

Yeah.

Oh, he's smelling you?

That's what he said.

In my scenario, that he wasn't smelling you.

Wait a sec.

What do you think dating is exactly?

What do you think dating is?

Go back.

What is it about smelling?

It's not the smell, right?

You know within five seconds, ten seconds, there's pheromones.

The same.

Wait, everyone.

Is it weird?

You're like...

So you guys are just walking out around places smelling.

Not consciously, but it's like pheromones are.

Carrie, I didn't like the shape of you guys there.

Woo!

Oh, she's one of us now.

Oh, one of us.

Shape of us.

I mean, all right.

I mean, I miss this boat.

My husband and I, we didn't walk around smelling each other.

Something now you know is smell.

Oh, I do.

All of them.

That's the beauty of a 20-year relationship.

Beautiful.

It's beautiful.

It's beautiful.

Here's one to two.

They smell great.

Yeah, then, woo, they start to decay.

But you haven't dated, you haven't done an online date since then.

No, I thought the obvious end of this is I find true love from this, but that has not happened.

Well, it's not over yet.

That's beautiful.

Oh,

that would have been weird.

Think of the Daily Dot headline tomorrow.

Carrie gives up-and-comer

mouth.

Wait, I need to make fun of you.

Oh.

Sorry.

Do we have time for that segment?

It's Zach brings up that John Lovick got voted first off on Survivor a year and a half ago.

It was less than a year ago, but the

yeah, yeah.

No, this is the one-year anniversary.

This is your body remember the trauma.

Because all the people in my season were texting about it was one year ago today.

You're lying.

No, I'm telling you the honest to God truth.

It happened.

Well, this is what I was going to ask.

This is how I actually was gonna ask you a question about it

no no but they're here but all of them are here they know where their bread is buttered

but uh no i was and what the reason i was reminded of this is because i feel like there's there's like owning something which is what i've done about getting voted out first then there's intellectually owning it and then there's really owning it have you felt it oh yeah and uh the answer is it's uh it's a work in progress you were you were played hard by a big move from Andy.

It was not you.

No, it was.

I had bad.

Sometimes people go home first because they should not be there.

Sometimes they get bad luck.

I'm in the bad luck.

Sometimes they're Mike White.

Sometimes, well, Mike White made it.

Mike White.

James Vine, all three.

He made it far.

He made it really far.

But if he had, basically, if they had lost that first challenge, he was already in, he was in trouble.

If we had won that first challenge, I could have gotten a purchase.

I couldn't get purchase.

I couldn't get

a challenge.

This show is really bumming me out tonight.

That's real.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for both of you.

It's going to get better.

The wise old crone says it's going to get better.

You actually can't say that.

That's our phrase.

Tom Lennon has been called for me?

No, it gets better.

Oh, I thought wise old crone.

Wise old crone.

No, no, no, wise old crone.

Please welcome the wise old comedy crone.

Zach, you named your comedy special Surprise Me after the the Dunkin' Donuts app surprise me option where the Dunkin' Donuts employees choose what flavor of donut you get.

What is wrong with you?

Pick a donut flavor.

I enjoy randomness and life having a little joy in it.

Sure, except you're assuming it's random, but they got donuts to move.

You never

get the seafood special, my friends.

All right?

The seafood special is the surprise me

of the restaurant, right?

Somewhere in that kitchen is a little chalkboard, and it's like, we got fucking trout to move.

Move the trout.

The clams are bad.

The clams are bad.

No Sunday night seafood special.

I found when you order it, it tells the team there, it says assorted.

It doesn't even say surprise.

They're getting a receipt that's like, pick an assorted donut.

Well, that's an interesting question is can you have an assorted, can you have an assorted assortment of one?

of it yeah where n equals one n equals two maybe but n equals three sure but n equals one this reminds me of another thing I needed to flag earlier when you played the true or false game you had a happy face on true and a sad face on false and that's not necessarily directly correlated why were you happy why were why was the tv happy when true things were said and sad when false so

i think it was happy when true things were true and false things are false it is sad when false things were true and true things were false oh beautiful

We can all agree that dating abs drain the mystery out of human quests for love, but that's not the only part of life that could use a pleasant shocker, too.

Zach and Carrie, I'd like your thoughts on which human moments should be a surprise in a segment we're calling on the right side of mystery.

Oh.

Oh.

Should it be a surprise

who is going to be at a party?

Should you be able to find out who is attending a dinner party?

Oh, I have such strong feelings about this.

Speak.

I do want to know.

And I overexplain, this is going to come as a surprise to you, but I overexplain to people what they're walking into in my home.

You're coming over for coffee.

I'm going to be there.

My son is out.

My husband is at work.

Here's what we might have.

Have you eaten?

Would you like me to have something ready for you to eat?

I like information.

How long am I?

I have the rest of the afternoon open or I have an hour.

I hate going to things.

And it's like, oh, and here's these 40 people and I'm not prepared.

I didn't bring the thing, I'm not wearing the thing, and I don't like it.

You're not wearing good night.

Well, no, no,

because, oh, I thought I was just coming over for pizza, and everyone's in dresses.

And what is everyone doing here?

I didn't know I would have worn pumps.

I agree.

1000%.

And I think Partyful, do you know the Partyful app?

Has that reached you?

It's a way to know.

I live out in the sticks.

It's a way to know who's

it's a way to know

who all who I think the phrase is who all going to be there.

Oh, mom and them.

It's an app where it shows the guest list.

Oh, you're not kidding.

No, it's real.

What's it called?

Party full.

Partyful.

Yeah, with one L.

Oh, I'm so.

And then you can also see how many people are coming to your gathering because the worst is you invite 100 people and three people show up.

Yes.

Let's you know, hey, 50 people said yes.

So then you know three people are going to show up.

Oh, no.

Oh, see, this could backfire.

Oh, God, tonight is really upsetting me.

But go on.

You don't want one surprise person.

You want to look at the show.

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Yeah.

But I just don't want to show up.

And it's, you know.

You want to wear the right thing, be ready for the right length of time.

Your understanding.

Empty stomach, full stomach.

Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

I also, I want to know what we're eating.

Like, if friends are invited, if I'm going to meet up with friends for dinner at their house, if they've invited me over, that's lovely.

I want to know a number of people.

Right.

Are we talking about just us?

Is there going to be other guests?

How many guests?

What are the odds that I'm at a side of the table with nobody I know?

But even more importantly than that, I would like to know what we're eating because

this is going to sound ungrateful.

A dinner party is a restaurant where you can only order one thing and you can't send it back.

And so

it's a, and, and you have to, you have to bring something.

So you're still, in a sense, paying for dinner.

You have to bring a bottle of wine.

So you're basically, whatever the cost of a bottle of wine is, that's the price of this restaurant.

Yeah, I've been to, I brought a friend to what I thought was a more the merrier thing.

It's a seated dinner.

There's not enough food for him to sit at, and that hurt us.

I bring the surprise sometimes.

Sometimes you are the be the surprise you want to see in the world.

That's kind of fun.

Well, if you have a gift of a gift for you.

I think it had been clear.

What is this?

It's like a donut purse that you put around your...

That's so nice.

It looks like there's playing cards in there.

Yeah, there's Luke Babylon, Christian Magician, playing cards in the sky.

Wow.

Especially if I play a character who has a, Christian magician.

Hell yeah.

He is.

I see it in the trash later.

No, I like it.

I'm keeping it.

I'm keeping it.

It's a lovely gift.

There's also the just issue, like some

a dinner party, sometimes it's like, oh, everybody, come over at six.

Bitch, what time are we eating?

Yes.

I'm like, I'm fine.

Just tell me when.

Because I know that when I like, I like cooking more and more

and I'm getting better at it.

And I really, when I say, like, hey, come over at seven, we're going to eat.

We're going to sit down at 7:30 or whatever, 6,

I really fight to hit that time.

And you never do.

No.

You're always 15, 20 minutes late.

But are you going to be close?

Are you going to get that food on the table on time?

I eat most of my meals alone for this very reason.

Yeah.

Oh, too much empathy.

No, I fully agree with you.

Would you like to know the manner of your death?

Oh, no.

Do you know it?

Is that what this is?

There's only one way he can know it.

This is fucked up.

Manner or date and time?

I guess it said manner.

Well, I think.

I hate when people ask qualifying questions of the hypothetical instead of just playing with the hypothetical.

Well, no, actually.

I enjoy when people question the hypothetical because I often do that.

Like, because somebody would be like, who's one person you'd want to have dinner with living or dead?

And it's like, well, if they're dead.

I don't want to have dinner with a corpse.

But, or, more than

dead.

Explain to me what it's like for them to be alive again.

What?

What is, because like,

are they alive, like, in the middle of what they were doing, what they're famous for?

Right?

Like, I want to meet the right brothers.

Right, right.

Are they screaming because they just died?

Right.

And are like, where is my family?

And they say, oh, they died 150.

And they're like, you said dinner was at 7 and it's 7.15.

I don't care who's at dinner, right?

Oh, yeah.

No, no.

You don't want to know?

I don't want to know.

It's a plane crash.

I was hooking up with a guy once, and I was like, I'm afraid of flying because I feel like I'm going to die in a plane crash.

He stops kissing me and goes, you do die in a plane crash.

Listen, you got to get off these apps.

We got to get you off these apps.

We got to get you off these apps.

I stopped paying for them recently.

Listen, you don't die

in a paying crash.

Friday and slips.

Sorry,

I saw John's cards, so I know how you die, but it's not a car accident either.

Show me hers.

What?

Oh, it's gastrointestinal.

She says she doesn't want to know.

But I will say it is gastrointestinal.

Listen,

if anyone has seen my diet, I just ate handfuls of gummy worms back there.

It probably is gastrointestinal, and it might be tonight.

Oh, do you think people should, do you want to know the sex of your baby before the baby's born?

I don't plan on having children.

My ovaries dried up a long time ago.

But if I did have one now, I would like to know if it had flippers or

flippers.

Two eyes.

Yeah, real penguin situations.

I don't care what the sex of your baby is.

I'm sorry, but I don't.

The gender reveal thing is, it's a new thing.

This wasn't a thing when I was coming up.

Coming up.

I don't know where I was coming from or where I was coming to.

scene that's when we used to roughen it at the mics

i when my vagina was much younger

times were different you put in your time i just think people i mean i do love a celebration i love that we're looking for reasons for gathering and all that stuff but the idea that like we all care like it i'll tell you this as someone who had a baby come out of my body all i cared about in that moment was that it was a human being who had a heartbeat and could breathe.

And I didn't even necessarily care that it was a human being.

It's alive, it's well, whatever it is, I love it, I'm taking care of it.

But I remember people would say to me, Did you count his fingers and toes?

And I was like, No, I didn't give a shit if he had fingers or toes.

He doesn't, by the way.

And I do love him a little less.

A friend of mine, when they had a baby, he said,

We're having a girl no matter what she says.

Which I thought is a good joke.

How's that marriage going?

I guessed my friends the sex of their kid via, I don't know why I said it this way, but I was like, I think there's a little penis inside.

And I was right.

Were you fucking her at the time?

All right, well, question.

Thank you, Zach.

Surprise me and streaming now on YouTube.

When we come back, we're going to do a quick round of some spoilers.

Hey, don't go anywhere.

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Does all that eating and drinking take a toll?

It sure does.

Still feeling DC.

Yeah, I know.

Still not right.

I'm not right because recording this on a Wednesday.

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All right.

We've talked a lot about the terrible and wonderful surprises of life tonight, but there are some things that you shouldn't find out yourself.

And inspired by the fact that Marvel decided to name the title of their movie a spoiler for the movie,

we decided we're going to spoil some of life's surprises in a segment we're calling Spoiled Rotten.

All right, let's spin the wheel.

Do we have a wheel?

I thought we said there was a wheel.

Can we get an audience?

I didn't say I didn't want a wheel.

I didn't say I didn't want a wheel.

All right, you know what?

I'm faking it.

Let's spin the wheel.

It's landed on Zach.

No, it did.

It's on Carrie.

Push it up.

Oh, my God.

I misread it.

It's landed on Zach.

Oh, no, it's gotten away.

It's killing someone in the audience.

What I hate is I paid so much money for improv classes and I just knowed you so hard.

You did.

No, it didn't land on me.

But, you know, you but you can learn from the best right now i got your back hitting this angel so zach what is it we're trying to you we're spoiling uh something about getting older what would i tell my yeah younger self this is rupaul did this does this okay i

wow your unoriginal segment

with a fake wheel for anyone listening i don't know if that was clear there's not a real wheel here

i would tell my younger self you are going to grow and blossom You are going to, you haven't met all the people that are going to love you yet.

And I would encourage young Zach to not masturbate with mom's conditioner.

Because now every time as an adult

that you hug your mother,

just don't do it, little Zach.

Just don't.

She's not going to change.

It's panting through their whole life.

And now you can't scent is very important to me.

and so you're gonna need don't do it it's not worth it now I understand why those pheromones were such an issue

lean a little closer Carrie I am not wearing pantene but I'll go get some for you

I'm a team player yes

let's spin it again

oh it's landed on me

no it landed on Carrie

oh here's my square Oh no, he got away again.

It's not real.

Here's my spoiler, which is I can't believe something happens over 40, I can't believe how long it takes me to stand up and sit down.

If I sit for more than five minutes, I have to stand up.

I'm still sitting when I'm standing.

I'm still sitting.

It's like this.

It's like, if I'm sitting for a long time, I have to, when I stand up,

I'm still sitting.

I see.

And then,

and then you kind of let it go.

You'll faint.

But you've got to go slow.

Otherwise, and it's not like I have to go slow.

You know what I mean?

It's not that in the same way that I could stay up till two in the morning, I simply don't.

And I know on some level that I can't, even though I could.

Have you ever seen or heard about The Exterminating Angel?

It's a Spanish film.

And in it, they can't leave, but they don't know why.

That's what it's like to stand up at this age.

That's what it's like being on this show, too.

Sorry, I had to tell you.

It's really exciting.

But it's like you get up here, then you got to go real slow.

Because I don't know what happens if I go fast.

That was scary.

The end there was scary.

You're smart.

It's like you're like in junior high school.

I'm a senior senior and you're doing it right.

That is correct.

Because I'll tell you what happens.

You pull something.

I popped a rib laughing.

And this was two years ago.

And it's an issue every now and then.

And now I have to sometimes

control my laughter.

You can't laugh at me.

Sometimes, which is why I'm holding it in for all of your jokes tonight.

Who told

what was the two-year-ago joke?

It wasn't a joke, it was nothing, nothing happened.

It was

why are you

interrogating me?

No, I'm just kidding.

I just realized I was seems like a fake story.

I was getting so upset.

No, my point is, it was over nothing.

It was Christmas Eve, and I was vacuuming, and I was reaching for my husband's laptop that was on the motherfucking couch when I had asked him to clean it up.

And it's heavier than it looks.

So, on with one hand, I was reaching over to grab something.

With the other hand, I leaned over to to grab the thing.

My son said something funny.

I chuckled, popped a rib.

Listen, I'm 55.

Do you think maybe one of the issues is that your family won't give you a Christmas Eve off?

Yeah.

You're getting bottomed up.

What are you, Donna Reed?

What's going on?

What are you back?

Christmas Eve?

You're cleaning up the laptop.

What's going on?

Fuck those guys.

But now you have a beautiful memory of a joke your son told me, like, he made you laugh and broke you.

And broke me.

Yeah.

Oh, he broke me every which way.

I pulled a

break recently.

The video of my son's birth.

So if we could roll that.

Why is it popping?

And you didn't pop the root that day.

No, not that day.

Popped your.

Let's spit it again.

Listen.

It's landed on Carrie.

Oh, my gosh.

What are the odds?

Oh,

it broke into the audience.

Oh, no.

They died again.

What's a spoiler you have for life?

So, five years ago, I wish I could go back and tell baby Carrie.

I'm only six.

I wish I could go back and tell Carrie that perhaps

you should buy the Audi Q5

and not the Tesla.

So listen, I tell you this for a reason.

Because I don't want someone to murder me when I'm walking to my car tonight because you think maybe I'm a bad guy.

I'm not a bad guy.

I thought I was saving the world.

And

what did I know?

Now I know.

Yeah,

I had one too.

Did you sell it?

See, I tried to sell it, and they were like, Madam, here are two dollars.

Yeah, I'm not gonna say I didn't take a pretty bad hit on it.

This is beyond bad, it's crazy.

Yeah, you can't give those things away.

You literally cannot, they won't come pick it up.

So, this is a situation.

Listen, I love the car, but this was a while ago.

I don't know, guys.

It rat mine rattled.

I'm doing a GoFundMe.

To free up.

No, that's a meaningful cause.

It really is.

It really is.

It's not just to have the car hauled off, but it's to buy me a new Audi Q5.

No, that's so important.

That's so important.

It's a really noble and worthy cause.

Do it for our country.

God, everyone's so uptight about it.

So to recap, don't buy a Tesla.

Don't jack off with mom's conditioner and stand up.

Stand up slowly.

You got to stand up slowly.

Whatever age you are.

Whatever age you are.

Well, I still sit like I'm in my 20s,

but the body knows.

The body remembers.

The body keeps the score famously.

And so it's like I sit like cross-legged, hunched over on my laptop, writing all this great material with the help of an incredible team that does most of the work.

But I'm still in a posture process, you know, then I'm all fucked up.

I've stood up.

I mean, I'm, what, 36, but I'm still starting to feel things.

And I'll stand up and it'll be asleep.

And I have to just pose for a minute or two.

Do you think that because you're tall, do you realize that because you're tall, you're probably aging slightly faster?

Oh, we die.

Yeah.

That's why we're worshiped.

We're here a lot as long.

Because you're like a

there aren't tall grandpas.

Because you're like a grandpa.

Yeah, there are no tall grandpas.

You're like a great Dane of some sort.

Oh, my God.

That's such a great title for your book.

There are no tall grandpas.

That's

enjoy.

I'm gone tomorrow.

Wow, that's an interesting

direction.

Home on Sundays.

My first special was about how fun it is to get a random donut.

My second special is about how I'll be dying young and there are no tall grandpas.

But I thought I was dying since I was young.

And hearing you say you're over 40 and you feel that way, I felt like that in my 20s.

I felt like that.

Tom Lennon has referred to me as mother since I was 20, but not in the like sexy goddess, like mother, I want to fuck her kind of way, but in the like, I'm giving you soup and I wear a house coat and I have curlers kind of mother.

Like, because I'll stand stand up and I'll go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, careful.

Yep.

Okay, I'm good.

Because it's like I'm dizzy and my back, I don't eat a lot.

Can I have that donut?

And that's our show.

Thank you, the cherry's getting sober.

And Zach Zimmerman, we'll see you next week at Flabbers in Burbank.

We have a great show lined up.

There are 542 days until the midterms.

Have a great night and have a great weekend.

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Love it or Leave It is a crooked media production.

It is written and produced by me, John Lovett and Lee Eisenberg.

Kendra James is our executive producer.

Bill McGrath is our producer and Kennedy Hill is our associate producer.

Hallie Kiefer is our head writer.

Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Coffin, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, and Will Miles are our writers.

Jordan Cantor is our editor.

Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support.

Stephen Colon is our audio engineer.

Our theme song is written and performed by Schersher.

Thanks to our designer, Sammy Koderna-Rees, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast.

And thanks to our digital producers, David Toles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kalman, Delan Villanueva, and Rachel Gajewski for filming and editing video each week.

Our head of production is Matt DeGroote, our head of programming is Madeline Herringer, and our production staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America East.

It's love it or leave it.

Hi there, it's Andy Richter, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast, The Three Questions with Andy Richter.

Each week, I invite friends, comedians, actors, and musicians to discuss these three questions.

Where do you come from?

Where are you going?

And what have you learned?

New episodes are out every Tuesday with guests like Julie Bow and Ted Danson, Tig Natara, Will Arnett, Phoebe Bridgers, and more.

You can also tune in for my weekly Andy Richter call-in show episodes where me and a special guest invite callers to weigh in on topics like dating disasters, bad teachers, and lots more.

Listen to the three questions with Andy Richter wherever you get your podcasts.

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