Thieving on a Jet Plane

Speaker 1 Love it or leave it is brought to you by Bombas. People talk about spring cleaning, but here's what we should really be talking about: Bomba spring socks.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you heard that right. It's a busy time of year, and the right socks can make or break your spring.
Ready to actually commit to your new running hobby?

Speaker 1 Bomba's thoughtfully designed blister-fighting, sweat-wicking athletic socks help you get from mile one to marathon in comfort and in style.

Speaker 1 Looking for a nice pair to wear to a wedding, Bamba's ultra-soft dress socks are made for heels and all your other hard-bottom party shoes. Oh man,

Speaker 1 hard-bottom party party shoes. Engineered to keep you comfortable enough to hit the dance floor one more time.

Speaker 1 They make the ultimate errand socks from actually spring cleaning to walking the dog to everything in between.

Speaker 1 Bombas took their socks arch hugging, stay up cuff, ultra cushion designed very seriously so you can take a load off.

Speaker 1 You know what goes great with new spring socks, fresh white tees, waterproof slides, which I have, and a few pairs of buttery soft seamless underwear. Bombas makes all that too.

Speaker 1 International shipping, in addition to the U.S., they now ship to over 200 countries. I wear Bombas every day.
I love Bombas. I'm wearing Bombas right now.
They have this great

Speaker 1 vintage style socks with the stripes. I wear them constantly.
I wear them every single day.

Speaker 1 Bombas started making socks when they learned that they were the number one most requested clothing item in homeless shelters. So thank you for shopping with Bombas.

Speaker 1 You've helped donate over 150 million essential items. Now that's a lot of socks and a lot of kindness.
Head over to bombas.com/slash love it and use code love it for 20% off your first purchase.

Speaker 1 That's b-o-m-b-as-dot com slash love it. Code love it at checkout.com/push

Speaker 1 What's up, everybody?

Speaker 1 Welcome to Love It or Leave It Live from Flappers Comedy Club. Jay Leno wanted to be here tonight, but it says here he got hit by a bear.

Speaker 1 What that means.

Speaker 1 Guys had some bad luck lately. We've got a great show for you tonight.
Sarah Silverman is here.

Speaker 1 Help us make some brave decisions. Lamourn Morris and Esther Provitski are here

Speaker 1 to do some people watching. Then we'll wrap it up by turning it over to you, our dear audience, to hear your teeniest, tweeniest problems.

Speaker 1 So start thinking: what is your smallest problem? I don't hear about big problems. Got enough big problems.
Tiny, tiny, little problems.

Speaker 1 But first, let's get into it.

Speaker 2 What a week.

Speaker 1 Breaking news, James Comey has entered his Luigi era.

Speaker 1 White House officials have accused former FBI head James Comey of calling for Trump's assassination after he posted a now deleted photo of the numbers 8647 spelled out in seashells with the, this is real, with the caption, cool shell formation on my beach walk.

Speaker 1 Yes, yes.

Speaker 1 All right, no, no.

Speaker 1 For when you saw one set of footprints in the sand,

Speaker 1 that was when I was leaning out of the window of the book repository.

Speaker 1 Said a White House spokesperson on X, while President Trump is currently on an international trip to the Middle East, the former FBI director puts out what can clearly be interpreted as a hit on the sitting president of the United States, a message etched in the sand.

Speaker 1 This is a deeply concerning message to all of us and is being taken seriously. Just James Comey casually calling for my dad to be murdered, said Don Jr.

Speaker 1 Christy Noam, head of Homeland Security, called it a threat of assassination. And with that, my work here is done, said Hillary Clinton,

Speaker 1 shaking sand out of her kitten heels.

Speaker 1 But she got him. But but lest you think Comey has gone full Antifa, he deleted the post and apologized, claiming he didn't realize the number 86 was associated with violence,

Speaker 1 said the former FBI director.

Speaker 1 In MS-13, we just use it as a friendly greeting.

Speaker 1 Speaking of friendly greetings, on Sunday, ABC News reported that the Trump administration was preparing to accept a $400 million luxury Boeing 747 from the royal family of Qatar.

Speaker 1 All because Trump came closer than Emmanuel Macron in guessing the retail value without going over.

Speaker 1 You got to give him credit. It's a good bribe.
You give me a free private airplane. You can own me, no problem.
I don't have to go to LAX anymore. Please tell me my new opinions.

Speaker 1 And now the Emiratis are like, Qatar got on the plane. What's left on the registry? Golf clubs, dish towels?

Speaker 2 Fuck, we're fucked.

Speaker 1 Under the arrangement, Trump would use the plane as Air Force One, but at the end of his time in office, it would be transferred to Trump's presidential library. Oh, thanks, said the librarian.

Speaker 1 A plane.

Speaker 1 Complicating all of this is that Boeing is currently upgrading two VC-25B planes to each serve as Air Force One, but blew past their initial delivery deadline of 2022.

Speaker 1 The planes are now expected to enter service by 2027. Boeing got caught up pursuing its other passion project, making sure there are other planes stopped falling out of the sky.

Speaker 1 If you love what you do, you won't work a day in your life.

Speaker 1 A spokesperson for Boeing explained, We'd have delivered these a lot sooner, but you know what they say? The customer's always right, so now we need to figure out how to get the doors to stay on.

Speaker 1 He keeps sending back the planes. Republicans hemmed in hot about how to react to Trump's big shiny new gift, but not Senator John Kennedy.

Speaker 3 I trust Qatar like

Speaker 3 I trust a rest stop bathroom.

Speaker 1 Honestly, this is why we can't have nice things.

Speaker 1 The rest stop bathroom isn't asking for our trust, Senator. It asks nothing of us but piss.

Speaker 1 Kennedy went on to say this.

Speaker 3 With those guys, you know, trust in God, but tie up your camel.

Speaker 2 Got him. Got him.

Speaker 1 Rand Paul agreed, telling Fox News's Jesse Waters.

Speaker 4 See, I've spent time trying not to sell weapons to Qatar because they have human rights violations of their people.

Speaker 4 I really haven't been a big fan, and I wonder if our ability to judge their human rights record would be clouded by the fact of this large gift.

Speaker 1 Oh, Rand Paul, don't worry about that. Trump will ignore human rights abuses for free.

Speaker 1 You don't have to pay him for that. Senator Rick Scott also gave it a thumbs down, telling reporters, I'm not flying on a Qatari plane.
They support Hamas. I don't know how you make it safe.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, Rick, doesn't sound like you're going to be invited on the plane. So you're a little bit like Sonia saying she'll be in Phuket for Luann's wedding.

Speaker 1 I watch Housewives now and it's becoming my whole personality.

Speaker 1 But Sonia did get to save the date.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 1 So it's a little bit more complicated, a little bit nuanced. Over on CNN,

Speaker 1 Scott Jennings pointed to the real villains.

Speaker 5 And I think there's a reason that numerous Republicans have encouraged him not to go through with it today because they know the optics of it, given his previous statements about Qatar and given what we know about their funding of terrorism.

Speaker 5 That's all absolutely true. At the same time, I actually think there's a larger scandal going on here, which is that Boeing cannot deliver an Air Force One.

Speaker 1 Yeah, man, totally.

Speaker 1 It's about the optics, the corrupt optics, like complaining about arson because it's so bright.

Speaker 1 tweeted Trump's former rival, Nikki Haley, accepting gifts from foreign nations is never a good practice, especially when that nation supports a terrorist organization.

Speaker 1 Regardless of how beautiful the plane may be, it opens a door and implies the president and U.S. can be bought.
If this were Biden, we would be furious.

Speaker 1 Okay, but what if the plane were very, very beautiful?

Speaker 1 Just a reminder to the podcast audience at home, which is vast.

Speaker 1 Check out our YouTube.

Speaker 1 Give us a like, give us a subscribe, really helps out the show. You could appreciate this incredible joke.

Speaker 1 And you're right. Accepting bribes does imply that you'd accept bribes.
He accepts bribes. The implication is that he can be bought because he has been bought.
Let's see that beautiful plane again.

Speaker 1 For those listening at home, it's basically hard to describe, but

Speaker 1 it's a very sexy plane.

Speaker 1 It's a highly sexualized plane with boobs. I'm sorry, but you're not on the YouTube.

Speaker 1 But the face is the nose of the plane, and the wings are kind of like wings on an angel, on a kind of a boobed plane woman

Speaker 1 for the Navy. Oh, it's a blue angel.

Speaker 1 Oh, like the Navy Blue Angels. I'm an idiot.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 House Speaker Mike Johnson offered this defense of Trump.

Speaker 6 The reason many people refer to the Bidens as the Biden crime family is because they were doing all this stuff behind curtains. Whatever the President Trump is doing is out in the open.

Speaker 1 They're not trying to conceal anything.

Speaker 1 Yeah, really smart points, Speaker of the House, Mike Johnson. Crime is legal as long as you do it out in the open for all the world to see, like drugs in San Francisco or 9-11.

Speaker 1 Stupidest fucking point I've ever heard.

Speaker 1 Trump defended his Sky Palace in a Truth Social post, writing, So the fact that the Defense Department is getting a gift free of charge of a 747 aircraft to replace the 40-year-old Air Force One so bothers the crooked Democrats that they insist we pay top dollar for the plane.

Speaker 1 The Dems are world-class losers. No one is denying that the Democrats are

Speaker 2 world-class losers.

Speaker 1 But the plane is also a bribe. Two things can be true at the same time.

Speaker 1 Trump continued to defend the offer to reporters on Monday.

Speaker 7 So I think it's a great gesture from Qatar. I appreciate it very much.

Speaker 7 I would never be one to turn down that kind of an offer. I mean, I could be a stupid person and say, no, we don't want a free, very expensive airplane.

Speaker 7 But I thought it was a great gesture.

Speaker 1 Also, check out this badass giant wooden horse they gave me.

Speaker 1 But here's the stupidest part of this whole saga. To secure and upgrade this plane would cost the U.S.

Speaker 1 over a billion dollars and the retrofit would take years and that's just to take out all of the Qatari toilet cams and then put in our patriotic all-American toilet cams.

Speaker 1 It really must be so frustrating for Trump. He wants a plane.
If it's to become Air Force One, he can't use it. But if it's just to be a private jet, he he can't accept it.

Speaker 1 It's a real gift to the Magi situation. If the Magi were heading to Bethlehem to kill Jews.

Speaker 1 We didn't know if that joke would play at Flappers, and I'm proud of you.

Speaker 1 Let's see that sexy plane again.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 1 The plane was merely the most interesting of the corruption schemes playing out as Trump set off for Saudi Arabia, Qatar, and the United Arab Emirates.

Speaker 1 In just the past year, the Trump organization, currently run by Don Jr., Eric, and what has to be another person,

Speaker 2 announced the development.

Speaker 1 This has to be a third person we don't know about.

Speaker 1 Announced the development of a Trump tower in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, and two other Trump-branded properties in the capital city of Riyadh.

Speaker 1 The difference between a Trump tower and a Trump-branded property is important. Only an authentic Trump tower comes with a Rudy Giuliani in the belfry.

Speaker 1 The Trump organization has also announced a new Trump golf club at Qatar and an 80-story Trump hotel and in Dubai. Last month, the UAE fund invested $2 billion in World Liberty Financial.

Speaker 1 That's the Trump family crypto brand. And that's just a few of the brazen, corrupt business deals that Trump and his dipshit sons are pursuing.
It isn't even close to all of it.

Speaker 1 If we tried to go through all of it, that would be the whole show. And what am I supposed to say to the rest of the performers we booked? Sorry, small family of golden retrievers who can juggle.

Speaker 1 You've been bumped for the horrors.

Speaker 1 And we have so much else to talk about, like the fact that Saudi Arabia Arabia deployed a mobile McDonald's for our big special voice visit.

Speaker 2 It's awesome.

Speaker 1 If Saudi Arabia ever wants to take me out Khashoggi style, this is how they'll get me.

Speaker 1 Anyway, it's no wonder Trump couldn't help but fawn over Saudi Arabia's ruler, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, or MBS, at Tuesday's Saudi Arabia U.S. Investment Forum.

Speaker 8 One of our great, great partners, no matter who we look to, and we have great partners in the world,

Speaker 8 but we have none stronger and nobody like the gentleman that's right before me. He's your greatest representative, greatest representative.

Speaker 8 And if I didn't like him, I'd get out of here so fast.

Speaker 8 You know that, don't you? He knows me well. I do.
I like him a lot.

Speaker 8 I like him too much. That's why we we give so much.

Speaker 7 You know?

Speaker 8 Too much. I like you too much.

Speaker 1 Be careful, Dom. They got laws about that kind of thing over there.

Speaker 1 There was a time when unabashedly praising the leader of an authoritarian Middle East regime was frowned upon.

Speaker 1 In fact, I'm old enough to remember what happened when Barack Obama greeted this guy's uncle with what they described as a bow.

Speaker 9 While President Obama didn't kiss the guy, he did seem to bow.

Speaker 2 Look at that. But the White House says, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 9 He wasn't bowing. He was just double handshaking to a smaller guy.
You saw it, you make the call.

Speaker 1 There were editorials. This was in the Washington Times.
By bending over to show greater respect to Islam, the U.S. president belittled the power and independence of the United States.

Speaker 1 Republicans went nuts. Trump mocked him.
And all Obama did was bow. Trump got down on his knees and let this guy tickle his uvula.

Speaker 1 They said Obama went on an apology tour, and it's true. Trump isn't saying sorry, but that's just because his mouth is full.

Speaker 1 Flappers.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Back at home. Trump cruelly revoked the temporary protected status afforded to Afghan refugees.

Speaker 1 These are the people who risked their lives to help American troops during the war and who might face brutal retribution by the Taliban if they're sent back to Afghanistan.

Speaker 1 Said one Afghan-American who had served as an interpreter with U.S. Special Forces, it's a death penalty for them if they return.

Speaker 1 Here's Deputy Secretary of State Chris Landau explaining why the White House has shut down refugee programs and is threatening to deport Afghan allies while welcoming refugees from South Africa.

Speaker 10 There are many people who

Speaker 11 fit the criteria of seeking help,

Speaker 11 who are fleeing persecution, Afghans, for example, meaning they live in a country run by the Taliban.

Speaker 11 But they're being denied refugee status. So I'm wondering why has such an exception been made for the Afrikaans?

Speaker 6 The cause, of course, was subject from the very beginning to exceptions where it was determined that this would be in the interest of the United States.

Speaker 6 Some of the criteria are making sure that refugees did not pose any challenge to our national security and that they could be assimilated easily into our country.

Speaker 1 We actually have footage of the Trump administration determining whether a refugee is eligible to resettle in the U.S.

Speaker 2 He's white.

Speaker 2 He's white.

Speaker 1 I haven't seen the Elvis movie.

Speaker 1 Maybe I will.

Speaker 1 Speaking of white people, on Mother's Day, Health Secretary R.F. K.
Jr.

Speaker 1 posted photos of himself and his grandchildren swimming in D.C.'s Rock Creek, where swimming is not allowed because the creek is full of sewage.

Speaker 1 This is actually important because while there are many theories, no one has ever actually seen the place where Kennedys spawn.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, I think I'm actually thinking of eels.

Speaker 1 That's about eels. Polluted runoff flows into the creek when it rains and the water is heavily contaminated with E.
coli and other bacteria, this in addition to the big, disgusting RFK Jr.

Speaker 1 it has floating in it.

Speaker 1 The water is so bad, it's actually known in DC restaurants as filter tap.

Speaker 1 While Trump was gallivanting in the Gulf and RFK Jr.

Speaker 1 was splashing around in human shit, House Republicans unveiled their $4.5 trillion tax break and Medicaid cunt bill that would lead to 10 million people losing their health insurance.

Speaker 1 The bill would create work requirements for Medicaid recipients, even though the vast majority of Medicaid recipients already work, have a disability, are very sick, are in school, or are taking care of a family member.

Speaker 1 People on Medicaid would also have to prove their eligibility every six months instead of once a year.

Speaker 1 The bill would also create higher out-of-pocket costs for most Medicaid recipients, including those who are barely above the federal poverty line.

Speaker 1 Quick, what do you think the federal poverty line is for a single individual?

Speaker 1 It's $15,650.

Speaker 1 You make $16,000? Pay up your fucking backhab.

Speaker 1 The bill would also shorten the open enrollment period for the Affordable Care Act, all because coming out and saying that we're throwing people off of their health care is politically toxic, so they're going to use paperwork to do it anyway.

Speaker 1 The Trump administration's position is very simple. All bureaucratic red tape should be ripped out of the federal government and wrapped around poor people mummy style.

Speaker 1 We're in the dark phase of this. I'll get back.
I see what you want. You want jokes about his stupid fucking plane.

Speaker 1 As of this recording, the bill is in limbo because Republicans have no margin for error given their slim majority. Some Republicans think it goes too far to cut health care.

Speaker 1 Others don't think it goes far enough. And Nancy Mace just saw a woman with a strong jaw finish a big gulp so now she has to spend her afternoon in the vents above the ladies room so she's out

Speaker 1 and speaking of crawling around in the vents of the capital we are heading back to DC

Speaker 10 this week a hot new bumshell enters the village stop

Speaker 1 that doesn't make any sense

Speaker 1 We're doing a special World Pride show on Friday, June 6th, back at our home at the Lincoln Theater. And this time it's a special crossover event with Tim Miller and Sarah Longwell from the Bulwark.

Speaker 1 It's Jetson's Flintstones but everybody's gayer than George Jetson.

Speaker 1 The event is called Free Andre, a Crooked Bulwark World Pride fundraiser.

Speaker 1 It will be a night of venting, laughing, commiserating, venting, and most importantly raising money for the Immigrant Defenders Law Center which is representing makeup artists and actor Andre Hernandez-Romero and others who were disappeared to El Salvador without so much as a hearing.

Speaker 1 Because this pride is about fighting for the day when we can stop flirting with autocracy and go back to just flirting

Speaker 1 It's a serious cause, but it's going to be a fun show with special guests you won't want to miss. Tickets are going to go fast, so please don't wait or the bulwark freaks will scoop them up.

Speaker 1 We're donating.

Speaker 1 I love my bulwark freaks. We're donating all ticket proceeds to the Immigrant Defend Center, so get your tickets now at crooked.com/slash events.
That'll be Friday, June 6th at the Lincoln Theater.

Speaker 1 We'll have more to say about what we'll be doing around the show to keep the focus on freeing Andrew and keeping the pressure on the administration. So stay tuned.
But for now, get those tickets.

Speaker 1 In other news, a study found. this is no transition, just deal with it.

Speaker 1 In other news, a study found that wild chimpanzees use

Speaker 1 medicinal plants to tend to their own and each other's wounds. Oh, but when I chew up a bunch of leaves and apply them to my wounds, I'm disturbing the other diners at this pop-up Saudi McDonald's.

Speaker 1 About to get kicked off Medicaid? Try chip medicine. If you're able to get to Western Central Africa and aren't too sick to climb trees, it's free.
Chip medicine.

Speaker 1 Speaking of acting like a bunch of apes, the Warner Brothers Discovery announced that it will rename their streaming platform yet again, changing it back from Max to HBO Max.

Speaker 1 They realized that naming it after half of Cinemax was not as good as naming it after HBO.

Speaker 1 They cracked it.

Speaker 1 So I'm sorry to tell all of you this, but HBO Max is detransitioning. It's

Speaker 1 detransitioning is real. HBO Max is detransitioning.

Speaker 1 Tops announced that their Pope Leo XIV trading card outsold cards for LeBron James and Victor Wembanyama, though Otani is still their top seller, which isn't surprising, even though Pope cards generally have low HP.

Speaker 1 Their attack and abilities are insane.

Speaker 1 Gotta get a Pope on your deck. Morris, the alligator, who appeared in Happy Gilmore, among other films and TV projects, has died at a Gator farm in Colorado.
He was at least 80 years old.

Speaker 1 But he died doing what he loved, fentanyl.

Speaker 1 Said the Gator Farm's tearful owner, he started acting strange about a week ago. He wasn't lunging at us and wasn't taking food.
Continued the owner, wiping away tears. Ah, shit.

Speaker 1 Not supposed to get these new alligator boots wet.

Speaker 2 And fine, thank you.

Speaker 1 And finally, British historians have verified a copy of the Magna Carta that Harvard Law School bought decades ago for $27 is actually an original from the year 1300.

Speaker 1 And now, in 2025, it's worth rereading.

Speaker 1 Let's see that plane one more time.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 1 Coming up next, Sarah Silverman.

Speaker 12 Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

Speaker 1 Today's episode is sponsored by Acorns. How do you feel when the market gets bumpy?

Speaker 2 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 It's tough. It's tough.
But like Warren Buffett says, you got to invest when there's blood in the streets.

Speaker 1 Acorns is a financial wellness app that makes it easy to start saving and investing for your future. You don't need to be rich.
Acorns lets you get started with the spare money you've got right now.

Speaker 1 Even if all you've got is spare change, you don't need to be an expert. Acorns Acorns recommends a diversified portfolio.
They can help you weather all of the markets ups and downs.

Speaker 1 You just need to stick with it. And Acorns makes it easy too.
Acorns automatically invest your money, giving it a chance to grow with time.

Speaker 1 Look, investing is important. There's a lot of people out there talking about all kinds of fabs and there's people who do date trading and crypto and a bunch of stuff.

Speaker 1 But the most important thing is that if you can, you should start putting your money away carefully, safely,

Speaker 1 because it grows over time. And you can't get the interest back when you start investing later.

Speaker 1 You'll really regret it because even though you're putting in less because maybe you don't have as much because you're younger,

Speaker 1 it'll grow in time much more because you invested when you were younger.

Speaker 1 I started doing that. Financial governments, time.
Time. The only thing they don't make more of.
Billionaires can't get more of it. Hard as they try.
They're trying to live forever, but it won't work.

Speaker 2 Can't work.

Speaker 1 Sign up now and join over 14 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over $25 billion with Acorns. Head to acorns.com slash love it or download the Acorns app to get started.

Speaker 1 Paid non-client endorsement.

Speaker 1 compensation provides incentive to positively promote acorns tier one compensation provided investing involves risk acorns advisors llc and sec registered investment advisor view important disclosures at acorns.com slash love it the kia sportage turbo hybrid has a full design a spacious interior with 232 horsepower and a 12.3 inch panoramic display to keep the adventure going and fit with the way you live and with sirius xm every drive comes alive bringing you closer to the music sports talk and podcasts you love right in your vehicle or on the sirius XM app.

Speaker 19 Every Sirius XM-equipped Kia Sportage Turbo Hybrid includes a three-month trial subscription to SiriusXM, so the experience begins the moment you drive.

Speaker 17 Learn more at kia.com/slash sportage-hybrid.

Speaker 20 Kia movement that inspires.

Speaker 20 We're back!

Speaker 1 Please welcome to the stage. You know, your lover is the incredible Sarah Silverman.

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 1 Hello. Hi.
How's your 2025 so far?

Speaker 10 Oh, what a year. So fun.
Just really easy and

Speaker 10 the news has been great.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you good at compartmentalizing or not compartmentalizing? Where are you at? Does it creep in at random moments? Are you able to put it aside?

Speaker 10 I'm pretty good at it. I'm very good at compartmentalizing, actually.
That's how I got through childhood. Probably you too.
But

Speaker 10 you were like,

Speaker 10 I've been trying to figure out how to handle

Speaker 10 this world.

Speaker 10 And

Speaker 2 I think,

Speaker 10 well, everything's gone to shit. It really feels like, I don't know, like the late 70s Iran, maybe.

Speaker 10 People are like, this can't happen here.

Speaker 10 Yeah, no, it can. It's very, it absolutely can.

Speaker 10 And

Speaker 10 am I just talking in fractions of sentences? No, it's good.

Speaker 1 I'm more thinking about like

Speaker 1 it's also, there's vaguely a lot of like warm neutrals are coming back too. So the 70s thing makes sense.

Speaker 1 Color-wise, fashion-wise.

Speaker 1 It's a lot, you know, it's like we're leaving behind the grays and the beiges and

Speaker 2 right.

Speaker 1 Things are coming back. The jeans are getting wider.
The music's getting louder. Things are happening.
Beards are back, wild beards, which I do think is a sign of the apocalypse.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if you have a president with a beard, you're at war, you know?

Speaker 10 I don't know, because you know who has a beard right now, and I'd love him to be president.

Speaker 1 You're talking about,

Speaker 1 you're talking about Tom Segura.

Speaker 2 No, you're...

Speaker 1 Oh, Pete Buttigiege, Pete Buttigieg, yeah, yeah. Pete.

Speaker 2 Pete's beard.

Speaker 10 There needs to be a new Instagram account called Pete's Beard or something.

Speaker 10 It's not Chastin. That would be.

Speaker 1 That makes sense at all. It doesn't make sense at all because they're both men.
Yeah. They're both men.

Speaker 10 So that's the secret is he's straight.

Speaker 10 He loves pussy, but he's trying to keep that from America.

Speaker 1 That's his dirty secret.

Speaker 2 That's his dirty secret.

Speaker 2 He loves it. Loves pussy.
Loves it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can't get it off.

Speaker 2 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Of pussy.

Speaker 10 Of pussy. It's fun, right?

Speaker 2 It's fun.

Speaker 1 Took me a while to work up to say it.

Speaker 1 Say it.

Speaker 10 Jess, will you say this right now? I love pussy.

Speaker 10 Say it.

Speaker 1 Yell

Speaker 1 So Bernie Sanders

Speaker 1 is on the move again. It's a little bit hot.
There's a new Avengers movie, so it's almost like 2019 again.

Speaker 1 As a generally optimistic person, are you inspired by the Bernie?

Speaker 10 Where's your head at? I find it to be a small bright light in a hellscape. You know, yeah, it's amazing.

Speaker 2 And their crowds are huge.

Speaker 10 They have the biggest crowds. No, yeah,

Speaker 10 it's inspiring and exciting. Yeah, it's a good.
I find it to be good.

Speaker 1 And your parents died nine days apart.

Speaker 2 Yes. Thank you for bringing it up.

Speaker 10 It was actually a murder-suicide.

Speaker 2 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm always starting those, but I can never finish them. It's like a class.
I think it's an ADHD thing. I like start the murder-suicide, and then I forget what I'm doing.

Speaker 1 I've literally never finished one. I start them all the time.

Speaker 2 So that you're just a serial killer.

Speaker 1 Whatever. I mean,

Speaker 1 you can put a label on it. I'm not into labels.
Right.

Speaker 2 It's true.

Speaker 1 That's why, because people are trying to add serial killer to the pride flag. I'm like,

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't get that. I mean, I guess it's queer in a sense, but I don't think it's right.
So I don't use that label.

Speaker 2 Right. Okay.

Speaker 10 You're a

Speaker 10 murder-suicidist,

Speaker 10 but you only go halfway.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 1 Because of my problem focusing. Yeah.
That's why I'm trying to get Adderall, but it's hard to get.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 10 You're like, no, no, no, I'm trying to kill myself, and

Speaker 10 I need the oomph to.

Speaker 1 I keep just yeah, because I'm so distracted by TikTok,

Speaker 1 my attention span is nowhere. Oh, but sorry, I interrupted.
It was your parents' murder suicide.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 10 No, they, they didn't, they didn't murder suicide, unfortunately.

Speaker 10 But, um, no, they, uh, they, my stepmother was very ill and she died, and my dad died nine days after just like wanting to be with her. And uh, I know,

Speaker 10 and um, this means you're killing in the

Speaker 2 and you get a lot of ooh.

Speaker 10 This is what my special is about.

Speaker 2 I didn't bring it up for no reason.

Speaker 10 He didn't bring it up for no reason. I have a special coming out Tuesday, but you know, we don't have to be here.

Speaker 2 I've been

Speaker 2 thank you.

Speaker 10 It's called post-mortem. It's on Netflix, but honestly, I've been shoving it down people's throats all week, and I'm exhausted of myself.
I'm sick of myself. I want to hear John Lovett talk about

Speaker 2 the show about? What?

Speaker 10 How are you planning on your parents dying?

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 1 that's such a, thank you for asking.

Speaker 1 I'll just tell you that I have said to my father, joking, and this is a joke,

Speaker 1 if mom dies first, you better kill yourself.

Speaker 10 She will.

Speaker 2 She will.

Speaker 10 This is what I told my dad. He was being so, such a pain in the ass, like a few years ago, and I go, you just assume you're going to die first, but Genesis, because you're killing her!

Speaker 10 And then she did. How funny is that?

Speaker 1 But right, right, just very close together, though.

Speaker 10 Yeah, nine days, nine days. Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's tough.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's tough. You know, it's interesting because my mother exercises in diets and she does all, you know, Zumba and she is measuring cottage cheese all the time.
My mother has been measuring out.

Speaker 1 There's a certain kind of

Speaker 1 woman who was exposed to a certain kind of diet culture in the like 60s, 70s, 80s, and beyond that has been measuring cottage cheese

Speaker 1 for 50 fucking years.

Speaker 1 And I'm just like, the cottage cheese, no matter what's going on, never going to be your problem.

Speaker 10 There is a scale industry that specializes in Coke dealers and Jewish mothers.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did your mother measure out things on her scale?

Speaker 10 My stepmother was very conscious of her, you know, like exercise and food. My biological mother couldn't give two shits.

Speaker 10 Come on, let's get some energy in the room. Who are you excited about? Love it or leave it.
Are you going to love it or are you going to leave it? Right?

Speaker 10 Come on.

Speaker 10 And we're back down. Bring it down.

Speaker 1 I like this energy.

Speaker 1 to always bring things down to zero well you got to bring it down because that's how you prove you have it because you can get them back right bring them down to zero

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 1 are you afraid to die

Speaker 1 see i get them back

Speaker 10 i don't want to die uh

Speaker 10 I don't want it to quote my dad, I don't want it to hurt.

Speaker 2 But I'm not really afraid to die, but I don't want to like drown.

Speaker 10 I don't want to die in some climate disaster. I don't want to, I don't want it to hurt.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't want to die at all.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't. I won't, Dal.
I probably won't.

Speaker 1 You think I won't? I want to be like, you know, that guy that's trying to live forever, but also seems to be fighting with various exes.

Speaker 1 That's what I want. I want a kind of crazy live forever energy.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be like, no, I have a secret plan to live forever, and it does involve eating one hour a day, sleeping in a dark room, taking all kinds of supplements, traveling with an air filter.

Speaker 1 I want to live forever in the worst way possible. I want my life to be an endless misery.

Speaker 10 I feel like that's achievable for you.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because like being in here, I feel like for most people, being inside of my head for a day would feel like an interminable nightmare experience that they'd want to end.

Speaker 1 And I think the worse life feels, the longer it feels. So in a sense, I've already lived forever.

Speaker 1 Because happy people,

Speaker 1 you're dead. You know, it's like, it's bar mitzvah, wedding, graduation, grandkids, dead.
But if you're unhappy, you're like, can't wait.

Speaker 1 Watching any TV shows?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 10 I'm very passionate about running towards joy in these times, and television is my joy. What are you watching?

Speaker 10 All depressing things, though.

Speaker 2 The pit?

Speaker 2 Paradise?

Speaker 2 Fucked up.

Speaker 1 So fucked up.

Speaker 1 I don't think the pit should have two T's.

Speaker 10 Well, it's for.

Speaker 1 This bothers me visually.

Speaker 10 Can I ask you this? Does Pittsburgh have two T's?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 10 That's why.

Speaker 1 It's short for Pittsburgh they put french fries in the sandwiches there oh

Speaker 1 so good

Speaker 1 what's it called primantes oh yes they're really good I'll go there in the morning they're open in the morning because there's you can go in the morning some people don't know that but you can go in the morning and you can have a sandwich with french fries in the morning and then that's it and then you've eaten that in the morning and then so you can have another lunch later if you want if you want if you really if you want

Speaker 10 I want to hold you right now and tell you it's all okay.

Speaker 1 Here's the crazy thing. Jokes aside, jokes aside, I am not joking.
I've like never been happier.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 1 Actually true.

Speaker 1 But here's the thing.

Speaker 1 Can I, so I don't know, like, I feel like because I've spent so many years being depressed and in various ebbs and flows, ups and downs, but always below the, I think, a good baseline.

Speaker 1 So it's the kind of thing where it's like, I was always underwater. And so when it was sunny, but I was underwater, I was like, oh, I'm outside.
I wasn't. I was drowning the whole time.

Speaker 1 It just sometimes I couldn't see all the way to the surface because I was with the animals with the little light at the end. You know what I mean? And

Speaker 1 seeing the shipwrecks. But sometimes I was like, look at that.
There's sun up there. I've made it.
I was not out of the water. I was under the water.
And now I'm above the water.

Speaker 1 And fascism is happening.

Speaker 1 So it's a really weird experience because the news is bad.

Speaker 1 and it feels bad. But I mean, I feel secure in the life around it.
But then I think, but there's probably a bunch of Jews that felt that way in 1934.

Speaker 10 Absolutely. Business is booming.

Speaker 2 We got a feeling gold.

Speaker 1 Gold. We've really made it.
Nope. This department store will be here forever.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 1 And you know what that sound means?

Speaker 10 What, the audience going, ugh.

Speaker 1 Like most people here at Flabbers tonight, I'm afraid to die, but I'm not afraid to save, which is why we want to end with a few exciting funeral opportunities currently available for the forward-thinking individual.

Speaker 1 And you'll tell us if it's worth the price.

Speaker 2 I will? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 Just to note, my staff used my actual personal information to get these estimates.

Speaker 1 These are real estimates for what it would cost to bury me.

Speaker 1 First up, human composting.

Speaker 1 Unlike traditional cremation, which would reduce me to bones and ash, soil transformation can compost my body into a nutrient-rich soil.

Speaker 1 All they have to do is put me into some kind of a weird heated proprietary vessel, and voila, 45 days later, I'm dirt.

Speaker 2 Worth it.

Speaker 10 You have to tell me the price. Sorry.
I would absolutely do that with my remains.

Speaker 1 The estimate we received was $5,450.

Speaker 1 Pretty good.

Speaker 2 It is? Honestly, you have to do it. Yeah, it is.
I'll tell you.

Speaker 10 Dying is expensive. My parents made no death plan and were like

Speaker 10 finishing everything now.

Speaker 1 Like it was a lot.

Speaker 10 No plan? No plan, no plots, no nothing.

Speaker 2 The only,

Speaker 10 this guy's really upset about it.

Speaker 1 That's it. Is he coming back? He'll come back.

Speaker 10 It's no big deal. He has diarrhea.
Don't make a big deal about it.

Speaker 1 Cryogenic freezing.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 10 That's, you know, all right.

Speaker 1 I think it's fun. I want to do it.

Speaker 1 It'll be $1,158 per year or 1,036 euros.

Speaker 1 I think this is European-based. So I don't know what the tariff situation is.

Speaker 1 I don't know what the reciprocal is. I'm getting my body over there.
It's like, do I have to send a tenth of another person? You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 10 I don't believe it. Like, I don't believe it.

Speaker 2 I don't.

Speaker 10 Sorry, I was telling you.

Speaker 1 I'm just going to leave it.

Speaker 10 I don't think they're really going to wake you up when there's a way to live forever.

Speaker 1 Right, because they stopped getting the

Speaker 1 monthly payments. The interests are not aligned.
Right. I should have to pay them a huge bonus if they wake me up.
I would do that. I want to make sure of the incentives.

Speaker 1 I want somebody to be fucking fighting every day to cure whatever kills me so that they make a lot of money when I wake back up.

Speaker 1 Because even if it's a thousand years from now, put a couple, you know, couple bucks into a ETF, compound interest, baby. They got millions coming their way.

Speaker 1 They bring me back to life from my death of cement block to bed.

Speaker 10 Why is it that miserable fucks always want to live forever?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Because I think they're afraid all the time.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Oh, wow.

Speaker 10 That was a very thoughtful, beautiful answer, and deeply personal, I'm guessing.

Speaker 10 I want you on my lap.

Speaker 1 It's happening. Dear Diary, you won't believe what happened tonight.
It flappers.

Speaker 1 Next up, shooting someone into space. Salatus Memorial Space Flights offers several reasonable options for those who want their cremains hurled across the stars.

Speaker 1 Earthrise, you can launch to space and return to Earth. That's just throwing something up in the air.
But it's $3,495.

Speaker 2 On Amazon?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 on the Blue Origin. You can go into orbit for five grand.

Speaker 1 You can get to lunar orbit for $13,000.

Speaker 1 And you can launch into deep space starting at $13,000. So that's the same rate.
So you got to decide, do you want to be moon adjacent or do you just want to just say, I'm going?

Speaker 10 Yeah, I don't think that's worth it. But I will say that Blue Origin thing was so hilariously cringy.

Speaker 10 And this is coming from someone who reluctantly was in that imagine video

Speaker 10 it was a time where you can't say no because they're you're not busy they know you're not busy I go what's it for

Speaker 2 nothing just to make people happy

Speaker 1 you know what it didn't stick to you It really didn't stick to me.

Speaker 2 No one knows it. I didn't know you were hurting.
No one remembers me from it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you couldn't say no. You were at home.

Speaker 1 You were at home. So you're in that Imagine video.

Speaker 2 I don't remember that.

Speaker 1 Did you have to do that kind of just under just in terms of process? So just people know it was a bunch of people singing the song Imagine that was edited together.

Speaker 1 Did you have to sing the whole thing or did you tell you what part of the song you were doing?

Speaker 10 I only sing the part of the song.

Speaker 10 The first time I did it, I videotaped just my feet on the toilet with my pants around it and I sang it because I just was so scared to be taking this as seriously as the others.

Speaker 10 I, it was, I, you know, you can't, and there were lovely people doing it, but I,

Speaker 10 and then they said no, and so I said it. I did it kind of jokingly.

Speaker 1 Ah, that's a funny bit to be on the toilet. You gotta, hey, you're good.

Speaker 1 You're the best. That's why you're the best.
You tried to find a funny in that intensely cringy thing.

Speaker 10 Yeah, I just go like vagina, toilet, asshole, semen, and then if it fits in one of those, I'll do it.

Speaker 1 And a lot of stuff does.

Speaker 2 Boy, does it.

Speaker 1 That's what I find.

Speaker 1 But wait, the Blue Origin Flight was cringy and I feel bad because the way that the celebrities on that ship talked about it, they were a little bit like a dog bringing you a bird and they're like, why, why are you mad?

Speaker 1 I brought you this bird. It's like, we're mad.
We don't like this. But I thought it was going to be cool.
I went into space.

Speaker 2 Like, we don't like this.

Speaker 10 Women are dying left and right because they can't get medical care that they need to get because of our stupid fucking government.

Speaker 10 And then a bunch of rich rich people go in space and go, take up space.

Speaker 10 Like, oh my God.

Speaker 2 Yeah. What are you doing?

Speaker 1 It would have been cool, I think. I think you could have gotten away with it if you filmed your video about being in the Blue Origin with your pants down around your ankles.

Speaker 1 Like it's like, I'm in the Blue Origin toilet. I mean, there must have been a toilet.
Take a shit in space.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it just floats there. God.
Somebody's had diarrhea in space. You haven't thought about it before, but it's happened.

Speaker 10 What about the people that were,

Speaker 10 you know, stuck in space recently for months and months? Right. Surely they had diarrhea.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Of course they did.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I mean,

Speaker 1 I don't go six months without having it on the ground.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 My God.

Speaker 2 Now shake me up.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Die, die, ain't you?

Speaker 1 All right, last one. Let's do

Speaker 1 being made into a diamond. They could turn my corpse into a gem, set it in a ring, and saddle my spouse with a lifelong whoopsie daisy.

Speaker 1 This would cost

Speaker 1 $1,000, marked down from $1,600. Oh, but they'll go up to three carats for $25,000.

Speaker 1 Ooh, big honking stone. Would you wear me as jewelry?

Speaker 10 Yes.

Speaker 10 I don't even wear jewelry, but I would.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's sweet. Thank you for saying that.

Speaker 10 So moving.

Speaker 1 Would you go into space?

Speaker 10 No.

Speaker 10 I wouldn't. I have enough adventure with my morning shit not to be redundant.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like, uh-oh, T-minus 10 minutes to takeoff.

Speaker 10 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 10 I have enough excitement in my life.

Speaker 1 I was very Jewish.

Speaker 2 That was so Jewish. That was so Jewish.

Speaker 1 Yeah, going to space. Ta-ta.

Speaker 1 Everybody, check out Postmortem. It is on Netflix on May 20th.
Sarah, thank you so much for being here. Sarah will be back for the end of the show.
Next up, it's Lamorg Moores and Esther Brubitsky.

Speaker 12 Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

Speaker 1 Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Haya.

Speaker 1 Typical children's vitamins are basically candy in disguise filled with two teaspoons of sugar, unhealthy chemicals, and other gummy additives growing kids should never eat.

Speaker 1 That's why Haya created a superpower chewable vitamin. Haya is made with zero sugar and zero gummy additives.
Yet it tastes great and it's perfect for picky eaters.

Speaker 1 Do you remember when you had to first learn how to swallow pills? And it seemed impossible. It seemed like magic.

Speaker 1 And then your grandma would have like a handful of vitamins and she'd just throw them all back at once. And I was like, Jesus Christ, grandma.

Speaker 1 I was trying to explain this to Charlie because he was, I was taking an Advil or something.

Speaker 2 And he's like, are you chewing that? And I go, no, sometimes you don't chew pills. Wow.

Speaker 1 But that, but the kids, these are he's eating the higher.

Speaker 2 He's taking the Haya vitamins, though.

Speaker 1 He's chewing them right up. Formulated with the help of pediatricians and nutrition experts.

Speaker 1 Haya is pressed with a blend of 12 organic organic fruits and veggies and supercharged with 15 essential vitamins and minerals to help support immune system, energy, brain function, mood, concentration, teeth, bones, and more.

Speaker 1 Haya is designed for kids chewing up and sent straight to your door so parents have one less thing to worry about. John, Charlie takes Haya, right? Sure does.

Speaker 1 And he needs them because he's not eating a lot of fruits and vegetables, but he takes the Haya vitamins and he enjoys them and he's getting his nutrients.

Speaker 2 That's what we care about.

Speaker 1 Have you learned anything about pickiness in the foods?

Speaker 2 What's that?

Speaker 1 Can it be, can it be? Because

Speaker 1 it's picky, picky eater.

Speaker 1 How do you stop that? You grow out of it.

Speaker 1 You don't freak out about it. That's what I'm saying.
I'm a chill parent.

Speaker 2 Nice.

Speaker 1 Also, you've met my wife. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's still a picky eater.

Speaker 1 Right. No.
I mean, it's two to two bowls of buttered noodles.

Speaker 1 Are you tired of battling your kids to eat their greens?

Speaker 1 Haya now has kids' daily greens and superfoods, a chocolate-flavored greens powder designed specifically for kids, packed with 55-plus whole ingredients to support brain power development and digestion.

Speaker 1 Just scoops, shake, and sip with milk or any non-dairy beverage for a delicious and nutritious boost your kids will actually enjoy.

Speaker 1 We've worked out a special deal for Haya with their best-selling children's vitamin. Receive 50% off your first order.
To claim this deal, you must go to hayahealth.com slash love it.

Speaker 1 This deal is not available on their regular website. Go to h-i-y-a-h-e-a-l-t-h dot com slash L-O-V-E-T-T and get your kids the full body nourishment they need to grow into healthy adults.

Speaker 15 The Kia Sportage Turbo Hybrid has a full design, a spacious interior with 232 horsepower, and a 12.3-inch panoramic display to keep the adventure going and fit with the way you live.

Speaker 21 And with Sirius XM, every drive comes alive, bringing you closer to the music, sports, talk, and podcasts you love, right in your vehicle or on the Sirius XM app.

Speaker 19 Every Sirius XM-equipped Kia Sportage Turbo Hybrid includes a three-month trial subscription to SiriusXM, so the experience begins the moment you drive.

Speaker 17 Learn more at kia.com/slash/sportage dash hybrid.

Speaker 20 Kia movement that inspires.

Speaker 20 And we're back!

Speaker 1 My next guests are the voice of the people. Those people being Esther Bravitsky and Lamorne Morris.
Please welcome to the stage, Esther Bravitsky and Lamorne Morris.

Speaker 2 Hi, hi, welcome, welcome, welcome. How you doing? How you doing? Thanks for being here.

Speaker 1 Hey, of course, come on in.

Speaker 2 Just sit.

Speaker 1 Where do you want to sit?

Speaker 26 Okay, I have stuff to say about the guy that wants to live forever. Okay.
Can we talk about him? Yeah, let's talk about it. Brian Johnson, let's name him.

Speaker 26 It doesn't sit right with me. I think it's weird.

Speaker 26 I think men should die.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 26 you hear me? I think it's part of the plan. Like, I think it's masculine to die.

Speaker 26 Like, that guy is just... Can you imagine being on a first date with him?

Speaker 2 I'm like, okay.

Speaker 26 So you're going to live forever.

Speaker 26 So I'm just like never getting your money?

Speaker 26 What's really the point? I don't know. That's it.
That's all I had to say. Okay, sorry.

Speaker 1 Lamar, do you know about this man, Brian Johnson?

Speaker 2 I don't, but he sounds like a hero.

Speaker 2 He's not a hero. He sounds like a fantastic individual.
Forever?

Speaker 1 He wants to live forever. He wants to live forever.
Now, you.

Speaker 2 Imagine the shit you could do forever. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I could be the biggest criminal on earth. I could get away with some of the most heinous shit ever because I'm going to outlive all of you.

Speaker 26 Yeah, but you'd just be like sitting there eating bean sprouts. It would suck.

Speaker 2 No, you'd be eating a lot more than that because you're living forever. The world is literally mine.

Speaker 1 Yes, I see what you're getting at.

Speaker 1 So, a couple things you should just know. Tell me if you're going to take this deal once I explain a few parts of this.

Speaker 1 He only eats about two hours every day. What he eats is basically a bowl of mushrooms with some sprouts in it.
That's basically it. My man.

Speaker 1 He

Speaker 1 is also on this age-defying journey with his son. That's right.
They do monitor each other's evening erections.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. I'm sorry, what?

Speaker 1 Someone, it's correct. I know it sounds.

Speaker 2 Come again. What did you say?

Speaker 2 So. Did I say this man was my hero?

Speaker 2 No, yeah. Nah, nah, nah.

Speaker 2 Well, hear him out.

Speaker 1 So I don't totally understand why,

Speaker 1 and there can't really be a good answer to the question why. I'm not saying that, oh, that makes sense.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying that he could tell me why he's monitoring his son's evening erections and I'd be like, oh, now I get it.

Speaker 1 But it has something to do with proving how young you are with how many erections you're getting in the night. Oh, that's

Speaker 2 that's real. So he'll walk in the room and check.

Speaker 2 Wait, he'll like, he'll be sleeping and he'll just roll up on him and be like, let me see what my kid working with tonight.

Speaker 1 I don't.

Speaker 2 Like that, or is he like, son, wake up? He wake up and he goes, get hard.

Speaker 1 you know right like I don't think it's like a pop quiz I okay I think it's some sort of a device that monitors like I think it's a there's some I don't understand it I have realized now I know what that's about because I think I got here's what

Speaker 1 because I'm realizing now in front of all of these lovely people in Burbank that I was so horrified by the fact that he's keeping track of his son's erections I didn't pause to think how would one do that

Speaker 1 like I don't know what the device or measuring technique is

Speaker 1 right

Speaker 1 right right just gotta ask y'all fucking

Speaker 1 There is that he also so anyway, I think there's some downsides, you know

Speaker 2 That feels like one of them I want to live forever if so I gotta check your dick every night

Speaker 2 Night I'll take it back that

Speaker 1 There's something funny about him too, which is that he kind of gives away the game because he's like the world is covered in toxins. One must never be exposed to toxins.

Speaker 1 You have must only taken the most precious of good things into your body. I also have veneers, filler, and I've dyed my hair because I also need to look young.
Part of this is being hot.

Speaker 1 Being hot forever is part of it.

Speaker 26 You can also like buy my olive oil. It's like, what is this? What's your end game? You're selling us olive oil.

Speaker 2 I'm selling olive oil. Yeah.
That's crazy.

Speaker 1 What's cool about living forever though is you could start a Lego thing

Speaker 1 and literally do like one brick a day and be like, patience.

Speaker 1 This is going to be the great, this is going to be amazing.

Speaker 2 No, I think in a thousand years. I get fascinated when I see, and obviously these these might not be real.

Speaker 2 I see these things on Instagram all the time where it's like scientists have figured out a way to keep people alive by using nanites and all that.

Speaker 2 That's like shit from a movie. However, if it were real,

Speaker 2 I'm not saying I would be against it.

Speaker 2 I might want to live forever myself.

Speaker 26 That is so bitch of you. What?

Speaker 2 Do you mean bitch in a good way? In a good way?

Speaker 2 What are you talking about?

Speaker 26 You are a man. You need to die.

Speaker 2 That doesn't make a lick of sense i have done i have given this world some beautiful shit okay

Speaker 2 i am a

Speaker 2 i am a lover of many

Speaker 2 and then

Speaker 2 how are they gonna know in the future how good i was giving it to them

Speaker 2 unless i do it firsthand can you imagine all the messages fucking robots

Speaker 2 Robots. I could please.
But robots.

Speaker 1 The robots would be like, I'm glad he made it because it's better firsthand. Yeah.

Speaker 26 I just think all the best men die, and I think that you should follow suit.

Speaker 1 I am, I do think it's interesting that both Lamorne and I thought you meant bitch in a good way.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Didn't you think these.
Because you don't just call a dude a bitch. You don't just be like, you a bitch.
And I took it

Speaker 2 because I might be a bitch. I might be.

Speaker 1 And also, this is the exact kind of guy that should live forever.

Speaker 1 Esther. Yeah.
You host a podcast. Yeah.
Lamorne, you also host a podcast.

Speaker 26 Wait, can I say something about Lamorne? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 26 I, okay, Lamorne, obviously he's famous from New Girl, right?

Speaker 2 We love New Girl.

Speaker 26 So some people don't know this, but my first job on TV ever was, I was in an episode of New Girl.

Speaker 26 And I was so excited. I played the handbells.
Yeah, I played a teenager. I was like 30.

Speaker 26 I show up to set, and Lamorne goes, oh my God, I know you. And I'm like, this is, oh my God, because I'm so nervous, right?

Speaker 26 Like, I was just so nervous, my first time ever on TV and he's like I know you I saw you do stand-up at the comedy store I'm like oh my god yeah and he goes you bombed

Speaker 26 in front of everybody like it was so embarrassing

Speaker 26 but you did to your credit you were like you bombed gracefully yeah

Speaker 2 that's not a that's not a that's not an accurate assessment of how it happened

Speaker 2 Not at all.

Speaker 2 I believe it was something like, oh my God, I remember you. And she was like, where? And I I was like, I think you bombed,

Speaker 2 but I wasn't sure about it. I wasn't sure.
And I was like, no, no, no, you didn't. I was like, no, no, you didn't bomb.
It was really funny. It was really funny, but it was like an empty, dead crowd.

Speaker 2 But I remember you being really funny.

Speaker 2 That's what I said to her.

Speaker 26 Well, you hear the B word and like Zoe Deshanelle is right there.

Speaker 1 It's like really scary. I just think, I just think, here's what I take away from this: you may forget what someone said, but you won't forget how they made you feel.

Speaker 2 I received that.

Speaker 2 I'm going to take that with me to the future.

Speaker 1 So, Lamarne, you're in Amazon's upcoming show, Spider-Doir.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 1 And I'll tell you,

Speaker 1 it looks awesome because it looks like a cool show about noir detectives.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 Why has it got to be Spider-Man, you think?

Speaker 2 Why has it got to be Spider-Man?

Speaker 1 Yeah, can't it just be a guy doing the detective thing? What is the Spider-Part ad?

Speaker 2 If you, one, it's dope. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And if you saw the Spider-Verse,

Speaker 2 the animated series, there was a black and white character in it, voiced by Nick Cage.

Speaker 2 So this is the live-action show based on that particular character and that particular multiverse or universe, I guess. And so, yeah,

Speaker 2 we had a good time making it. And people love Spider-Man.
My kid loves Spider-Man.

Speaker 2 So why not put Spider-Man in black and white in the 30s?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Because we've seen a lot of noir shows.
We've seen a lot of just Humphrey Bogart just sitting there looking cool as hell.

Speaker 1 But he can't go, he ain't got no webs. He can't have the webs.

Speaker 2 He can't dodge bullets. Yeah.
That's what we want to see. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like if Guy Pierce in LA Confidential could climb up the side of a building,

Speaker 1 probably the movie would have been shorter.

Speaker 2 It would be shorter.

Speaker 2 For sure. But they would have made a bunch of them and a bunch of money.
And ultimately, that's what Sony's trying to do.

Speaker 1 That's what it's

Speaker 2 all

Speaker 2 about.

Speaker 1 Esther, do you think we need to rediscover religion as a society? Do you think we should get back to the churches?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 26 I, okay, religion. I grew up without religion, so I'm really actually...
Can I just say I'm really confused about the Pope?

Speaker 2 Listen, I never cared about the Pope until now because he's from Chicago.

Speaker 1 Because you're both from Chicago.

Speaker 2 I'm like, cool, dude. This is just

Speaker 2 die Pope. I'm like, yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 This is so shocking to me.

Speaker 26 Like,

Speaker 26 I didn't know that the Pope could just be a guy from Chicago. Like, that doesn't, that's not sitting right with me.
Like, I don't believe in nepotism, but for the Pope, I think it should

Speaker 26 do something. It should be, like, some kind of, like, you can't be able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and become the Pope.

Speaker 26 It's weird.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it is deeply disconcerting to see ordinary Chicago-style Americans being like, oh yeah, I know the Pope.

Speaker 2 Like, we could have thrown.

Speaker 26 Did you, when you were growing up, were you ever like, the Pope could be among you? Like, that's freaky.

Speaker 2 When I was growing up, no, I was hoping not.

Speaker 2 The Pope, these people are... I'm sorry, I don't want to offend anybody here.

Speaker 2 These are world-famous world-famous pedophiles.

Speaker 2 Like, world-famous. I'm hoping this motherfucker don't live across the street.

Speaker 2 I'm hoping there's an app to be like, there's a pope here, there's a pope there. It's 10 popes over here.
There's a few cardinals around the corner. You just,

Speaker 2 I don't want that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, I mean,

Speaker 1 it's an important point. I think.

Speaker 2 I'm just excited.

Speaker 26 Like, I used to be a waitress at Johnny Rockets, and I'm I'm like, in Chicago, and I'm like,

Speaker 26 I could have served the Pope.

Speaker 1 I think what's really kind of confusing about it, no, and I think so.

Speaker 26 If anyone wants to, like, sign their cast or, you know, bless them.

Speaker 1 And, like, based on the vibes coming off of Leo XIV, I think he's a Johnny Rockets type guy. Yeah, no, I see it.
Johnny Rockets, to me, an inexplicable establishment because

Speaker 1 I've never understood Johnny Rockets insofar as if I want a bad burger, there are better places. And if I want a good burger, there are better places.
Why do I ever want this specific level of bad?

Speaker 26 Because you want the music, you want the era, you want the friendly waitress, you want the smiley face ketchup.

Speaker 2 Oh. I've never been to Johnny Rockets.

Speaker 26 Oh my God.

Speaker 2 I used to work at Ed DeBevic's. Oh! So that's that similar?

Speaker 26 It is similar, but that's way cooler. Oh my God, you're cooler than me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 And in 500 years I could tell this same story.

Speaker 2 You know what I'm saying? How they gonna know?

Speaker 1 Yeah, in the little cage the robots keep you in.

Speaker 1 And you just scream. You tell the story and you're like, thanks a lot.

Speaker 2 Kill me, please. Please kill me.
I take it back.

Speaker 1 I think you probably did serve the Pope.

Speaker 1 I know I did.

Speaker 1 For me, what I was going to say is, I think what's strangest about an American Pope is there's something about watching like, I don't know, a European or France, whatever, or someone like become the Pope.

Speaker 1 Like, I didn't understand them before they became the Pope, and I don't understand them after they become the Pope.

Speaker 1 But to just be a guy from Chicago goes into one room three days later, comes out, and the whole fucking place is going nuts, and he's speaking and laughing. It's crazy.

Speaker 1 It's a crazy thing, Chicago Pope. And have you seen his brothers talking about it?

Speaker 1 He has two brothers, and they're so fucking funny. And the brothers just go on television and be like, I can't believe it.
My brother's the fucking Pope.

Speaker 1 We play Wordle. Now my brother's the fucking Pope.

Speaker 1 They don't curse, though.

Speaker 2 They're good Catholics.

Speaker 1 Now, aside for a segment, we're calling the People Have Spoken.

Speaker 1 I'm going to give you a headline. You're going to tell us if this is an honest-to-God piece of news that some poor bastarded people had to write up, or if we made it up.
Are you ready?

Speaker 2 Ready.

Speaker 1 First up, Brooks Nader and Gleb Savchenko were always having sex on DWTS set, says sister. The trailer was shaking.

Speaker 2 I'm going to say that's real.

Speaker 26 No, I don't think that's real.

Speaker 2 You don't think so?

Speaker 26 The trailer was shaking?

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 them trailers, they don't have, they're not very stable sometimes. You got to put the stabling blocks on the bottom of it? Because I get my hair cut a lot in the trailer, right?

Speaker 2 And then sometimes my barbers got to stop because people just walk in all heavy-footed and shit. And I got to, because I don't want to fuck my lineup.
God already did that for me.

Speaker 2 So imagine if someone's having sex in an unstable trailer. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I'm just thinking about you being like, if this trailer's a rocket, I'm getting a haircut.

Speaker 26 My mom watches and consumes everything that has to do with dancing with the stars. And she still won't come to many of my shows.
But

Speaker 26 I think that I would have heard about this by now if this was real.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm sorry to tell you, it's real.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 1 I can tell you firsthand, every single time I visited Brooks' trailer, the trailer was shaking every single time. Lamorne takes it.

Speaker 2 Let's go. Next up.
I want to do that show now.

Speaker 2 I've been single a long time. Let me tell you something.

Speaker 2 Doing it at work? That's nasty.

Speaker 1 It's hard to meet people. Megan Tranner laughs at sudden veneer loss on today's show.
At least I sounded good, exclusive.

Speaker 26 Why would this be a headline?

Speaker 26 What is going on at People Magazine?

Speaker 2 I feel bad if it did happen. You don't want to lose a veneer.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 I feel like that's real.

Speaker 1 It's fake.

Speaker 2 It's fake?

Speaker 1 It's fake.

Speaker 2 Ah, shit.

Speaker 1 Heidi, next up.

Speaker 2 Wait, if you're giving points, she didn't even give an answer.

Speaker 2 You just gave her a point because I was wrong.

Speaker 1 You don't get points for not being right. You only get points for being right.
You don't lose points for being wrong in this game.

Speaker 1 Next up, Megan Trainer changed lyrics to body positive anthem all about that bass to mention new boobs.

Speaker 26 True.

Speaker 2 She got new boobs. She had them

Speaker 2 things.

Speaker 2 She got them memories.

Speaker 2 She got them additionals.

Speaker 2 I'm going to say, yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's take a listen.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she got some new boobs.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Good for her.

Speaker 26 Two kids, why not?

Speaker 2 Praise Jesus.

Speaker 2 That's them preachers. That's how they be.

Speaker 1 Is that how they are?

Speaker 2 I grew up in the black church.

Speaker 1 Next up, Toddler, a surprising fear of John Wilkes' booth being under her bed exclusive.

Speaker 1 Esther, what do you think? Lauren, what do you think?

Speaker 2 I want it to be real sorry. I do too.

Speaker 26 But if I came home and my baby was afraid of this, I would be like, I'm killing my husband.

Speaker 26 Why are we giving her some dumbass history lesson and scaring her?

Speaker 1 Yeah, why does a toddler know about John Wilkes Booth?

Speaker 26 I think that's true. I think it's true.

Speaker 1 I'd I'd never teach your toddler about just failed actors.

Speaker 1 You got it.

Speaker 2 Yep, that's what I'm saying. That's real.

Speaker 1 Cassie's mother told people she was afraid to lie in her bed one night. I said, It's okay, you're safe.
You're in your room. Nobody can bother in your own house.

Speaker 1 She said, Yeah, but what if John Wilkes' booth is under my bed? Like, what if he's hiding?

Speaker 2 Can you believe that? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's awesome.

Speaker 1 next up

Speaker 1 1,000 pound sisters Amy Slayton is engaged to Brian LaVourne after five months of dating see the haunted house proposal exclusive wait what wait she's a thousand pounds I think the sisters together are a thousand pounds

Speaker 1 that's the total thick

Speaker 2 that's the total engaged to Brian LaVourne after five months of dating haunted

Speaker 26 haunted house proposal that's true that's true that's true well I just want to say when I'm with my sister we weigh a thousand pounds

Speaker 26 Sorry, I hate my sister.

Speaker 2 No, I'm just kidding, but she's annoying.

Speaker 26 I think it's true only because,

Speaker 26 oh, God, a haunted house proposal is so tacky.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 26 When I got engaged, oh, yeah,

Speaker 26 my one rule was it could not be in public. No proposals in public.
I don't want anyone witnessing it. It's embarrassing to have life steps.

Speaker 2 Embarrassing? Yeah. Did you have a whole wedding in front of all those people? We didn't invite anybody.
Really?

Speaker 1 Did you really not? No.

Speaker 26 Where'd you do it? The Santa Barbara courthouse.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 So you went to Santa. Do you live in Santa Barbara? No.
What made you go to Santa Barbara to do something private?

Speaker 26 Well, it's partially because it's beautiful, but also that's the only courthouse where you could go without an appointment.

Speaker 2 Oh, you just, you were a walk-in. Yeah, we were a walk-in wedding.

Speaker 1 They take walk-ins.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's nice. Can you also have a reservation or is it one of those places that only does walk-ins?

Speaker 26 No, you can do both, but the reservations are really hard to get.

Speaker 2 How is a reservation hard to get when you can just walk in?

Speaker 1 How long did you have to wait?

Speaker 26 Not long.

Speaker 2 Like

Speaker 2 an hour, maybe.

Speaker 1 Did you go on a busy day? I don't know what a busy day would be for getting married at the courthouse in Santa Barbara. I guess a Tuesday.

Speaker 26 It was a Monday. A Monday.

Speaker 1 That's good. You beat the rush.
Yeah, beat the rush. Or missed the rush.

Speaker 2 You were waiting for an hour? Did you have any second thoughts while you're waiting?

Speaker 26 No, I was just hungry.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Do you have a lunch reservation at least or do we walk in for your meal after?

Speaker 26 We drove all the way home and then we ordered sugar fish.

Speaker 2 Wow. Yeah.
Oh, thank you.

Speaker 26 Oh, my God. Yeah,

Speaker 26 wedding reveal.

Speaker 1 We didn't, I didn't, when we got engaged, we talked about whether it was possible to do a directional surprise. Like, could you figure out a way to both surprise each other?

Speaker 1 But it started breaking our brains. So we just literally planned it down to the moment in the meal.
Like

Speaker 1 we were out to dinner. We're going to do it at dessert right when dessert comes because once dessert is down, it's the least likely time we'll be interrupted by like the waiter.

Speaker 1 So like that'll be a quiet moment so we can do our little speeches.

Speaker 26 Wait, for your proposal?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh. We like decided in advance we were going to get we were proposing each other.

Speaker 2 So who proposed to who?

Speaker 1 We proposed to each other at the exact same moment.

Speaker 2 Like those Australian sisters? Y'all were just speaking at the same tongue?

Speaker 2 Did y'all take turns? Was it scripted? Who said what? Who got on whose knee?

Speaker 1 No one got on any knees. No one got on any knees.

Speaker 1 So I'll thank you for your question. I'll take it

Speaker 1 with the generosity I assume it was intended.

Speaker 1 No, our engagement wasn't like those freak Australian sisters.

Speaker 1 Once dessert, we ordered dessert and once dessert came, we had rings, we each had rings, we exchanged the rings to be engaged and then we had each said we were going to tell the other why we wanted to be engaged like seriously and then that was it and we did it.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 then

Speaker 1 then we had dessert.

Speaker 26 What was it?

Speaker 1 You know, honestly, it's in that family of chocolate desserts where it's not cake. You know, it's like pudding adjacent.
And, you know, there's a million names for it.

Speaker 1 And it's like, this would be better if it was cake. You know? It's like, Tiramisu is one of them, I think.
There's like

Speaker 1 one? I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know. It made me question the whole fucking thing.

Speaker 1 It was like, is this all there is?

Speaker 1 You know, and I've been engaged before.

Speaker 1 Wait, were you? But this one's going to stick.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Are you married yet?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 2 Oh. So there's still ties.

Speaker 2 I can fuck it up.

Speaker 1 I can fuck it up.

Speaker 2 Done it before.

Speaker 1 No, you don't know my life.

Speaker 1 You get exposed to the exact amount of my life that I want you to know about.

Speaker 1 You know, that's part of it. That's part of it.
Lamar and Esther, you can listen to Lamorning After and Esther's podcast, Trash Tuesdays, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 1 And if you're in LA, catch Esther at the comedy store on May 31st.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And we're back. The audience gets the mic.

Speaker 12 Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

Speaker 1 Love It or Leave It brought to you by Planned Parenthood Federation of America. Your body is your own.

Speaker 1 Planned Parenthood believes everyone should have the freedom to make decisions about their health, including abortion, whenever and wherever they need it.

Speaker 1 Today and every day, Planned Parenthood is committed to ensuring that everyone has the information and resources they need to make their own decisions about their bodies.

Speaker 1 Whether you need STI testing and treatment, birth control, gender-affirming care, cancer screenings, or abortion, Planned Parenthood is there for you and all of us, honestly.

Speaker 1 But some lawmakers want to force their personal beliefs on everyone else. They're pushing bills to block people from getting sexual and reproductive care.

Speaker 1 They're cutting access to reproductive health care, trying to block coverage for birth control, promoting abstinence only until marriage programs, and attacking Planned Parenthood.

Speaker 1 Simply put, the government wants more control over our bodies, decisions, and futures.

Speaker 1 Right now, millions of people are at risk of losing access to care, especially women, people of color, rural communities, and people with low incomes.

Speaker 1 Planned Parenthood believes healthcare is a human right.

Speaker 1 And together with people like you and me, they're fighting every day to build build the future we deserve, one where everyone can get the care they need no matter who they are or where they live.

Speaker 1 Supporters like you powered this work, donate to support Planned Parenthood now at planned parenthood.org slash protect.

Speaker 1 That's planned parenthood.org slash protect.

Speaker 16 The Kia Sportage Turbo Hybrid has a full design, a spacious interior with 232 horsepower, and a 12.3-inch panoramic display to keep the adventure going and fit with the way you live.

Speaker 21 And with Sirius XM, every drive comes alive, bringing you closer to the music, sports, talk, and podcasts you love, right in your vehicle or on the Sirius XM app.

Speaker 19 Every Sirius XM-equipped Kia Sportage Turbo Hybrid includes a three-month trial subscription to SiriusXM, so the experience begins the moment you drive.

Speaker 17 Learn more at kia.com/slash sportage dash hybrid, Kia movement that inspires.

Speaker 17 And we're back.

Speaker 1 Please welcome Sarah Silverman back to the stage.

Speaker 10 That was so fun. That was so funny.

Speaker 1 Hi, Sarah. Hello.

Speaker 2 Hello.

Speaker 1 Before we get to our final segment, one note.

Speaker 1 After 2016, it was clear waiting around wasn't an option.

Speaker 1 That's why we started Crooked Media and why our friend Amanda Lippmann co-founded Run for Something, an organization that helps young candidates run for local office and win.

Speaker 1 Her new book, When We're in Charge, The Next Generation's Guide to Leadership, is out now.

Speaker 1 Amanda shares what it's like when a new generation steps into power, not just in politics, but in business, activism, and everyday life. Sometimes you can't just step into power.

Speaker 1 You got to kind of push some old people.

Speaker 1 Get them out of there.

Speaker 1 But either way, it's happening.

Speaker 1 Speaking of men not living forever,

Speaker 1 at some point, some of these old guys,

Speaker 1 God opens up a seat,

Speaker 1 on the various committees. The book is a manual for leadership on your own terms.
No gatekeeping, no losing yourself in the process.

Speaker 1 Just real tools, honest lessons, and the kind of clarity leaders need. So we really want to help Amanda get on the bestsellers list.

Speaker 1 So, get your copy of When We're in Charge at crooked.com/slash books right now.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Look, as a group of comedians and podcasters, we're all pretty good about talking about tiny and insignificant problems. Right? Okay.
I think so. Yeah.
It's the water we swim in.

Speaker 1 So, it's time for a segment we're calling Itty Bitty Pity Committee.

Speaker 2 Can we make that

Speaker 2 same headshot? Tilt Tilt it.

Speaker 2 Everybody's playing little violins.

Speaker 1 That's my pre-manjaro face.

Speaker 2 That's Martin Luther King's dream right there.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 if you need advice on a tiny, tiny little problem, raise your hand. Bill, our producer is floating around with the mic.
Who's got a tiny little problem?

Speaker 2 Hi, I do. Hi.

Speaker 1 What's your small problem?

Speaker 27 So I'm having a girls' trip next weekend, and we have to make a trip to Costco before we get there.

Speaker 27 We're trying to figure out if we should go to Costco 10 minutes away from where we're leaving or go to the one that's 30 minutes out of the way, but technically closer to the Airbnb because we have perishables and we're worried about like the freezer and stuff.

Speaker 27 So it's gonna be, it could be like a two-hour trip and we're just trying to figure that out.

Speaker 1 That is a beautiful small problem. Wait, Lamar, what do you think?

Speaker 2 Wait, so one, you said, so there's, there's one that's closer to where you're going, you said?

Speaker 27 Yeah, so we're leaving from Santa Clarita to Oxnard, and there's one 10 minutes away

Speaker 27 from when we leave Santa Clarita. Okay.
Or we can wait and go to the one that adds half an hour in Oxnard to our trip.

Speaker 2 Get that shit delivered. What are we doing?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Get it on?

Speaker 26 And miss out on an in-store experience at Costco?

Speaker 26 Okay, I am a new mom. We live for our Costco trips.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 26 I would go to whichever one is the better, Costco.

Speaker 26 Get on Yelp, girl.

Speaker 2 Let's see those reviews.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 That's why you're making mistakes.

Speaker 1 Here's what I think that on a trip with the girls,

Speaker 1 an extra 30 minutes in the car is part of the fun. Who doesn't love an extra 30 minutes again to hang out with your best friends? You know, do you not see them all the time?

Speaker 27 Oh, no, we see each other like every week.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Now I got to sit in this hot ass car with all these

Speaker 2 funky ass people.

Speaker 2 I got a friend who farts and keeps the windows. He'll drive, he'll lock the windows and fart.

Speaker 1 You also know Josh Gadd?

Speaker 1 Sarah, you're the final vote.

Speaker 1 Are we going to Oxnard or Santa Clarita, Costco? It's a tiny, tiny problem.

Speaker 10 You know,

Speaker 10 I think the close one,

Speaker 10 you get a cooler. You got that cooler now for life.

Speaker 10 Cut out the 30 minutes extra and you live your life.

Speaker 1 Wow, I like that. That's good advice.
That's good advice. Who's next?

Speaker 1 Hi, sir. What's your tiny little problem? Oh, so we don't have a dishwasher.

Speaker 2 Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 That's not the problem.

Speaker 28 The problem is we consistently complain about not having a dishwasher. And we all know that all of our devices listen to keywords that we say all the time.
One being dishwasher.

Speaker 28 So all of my ads are dishwashing detergent.

Speaker 1 Wow. So your problem is that you're deeply paranoid.

Speaker 1 Which is, I think, actually a big problem. But there's also a small problem, which is you're getting a lot of ads for dish-related specifically the pods, yeah.
The pods, but you can't use them.

Speaker 1 Correct. You can't because you can't use them because they don't have a dishwasher.

Speaker 2 You have a dishwasher. Where do you live? The streets?

Speaker 2 You've got bigger problems, sir.

Speaker 28 My uh, my new girl checked in cash.

Speaker 2 Wow. Okay.
Mine didn't either. Have you ever worked with Fox?

Speaker 1 So, yeah, I mean, I don't, I guess there's not really much to do for you because the algorithm controls us all. Like, we don't have the ability.
I don't even know how you would begin to.

Speaker 1 I guess maybe search for things that a person who lives in a disgusting home would search search for, like, you know, rats in the bed.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That kind of thing. Any other thoughts?

Speaker 10 If you're not getting a dishwasher, stop talking about it.

Speaker 2 Dishwasher dishes.

Speaker 1 Really smart. Really smart.
That's why she's the best.

Speaker 2 Do you live with people? Yeah. I live with my fiancé right here.
Oh. wow.
Terrible joke coming up. You rent.
We rent the bread. You rent.

Speaker 1 So you can't get a dishwasher because you rent. No garbage disposal either.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 1 that's not worse. That's not worse.
That's not a big deal at all. Dishwasher,

Speaker 1 not worse. You can scrape your plates into the garbage and then put them in the dishwasher.
That's fine. No disposal.
Who gives a shit? The dishwasher, that's a life changer. That's a better world.

Speaker 2 I will tell you, you know what my mom used to do growing up? I grew up on the south side of Chicago. We didn't have a dishwasher.
We were the dishwashers.

Speaker 2 So then when we moved to a different neighborhood, there was a dishwasher in our apartment. My mom used to use the dishwasher as storage.
And she was like, you better not turn this dishwasher on.

Speaker 2 She's like, y'all got hands.

Speaker 2 And so

Speaker 2 till this day, I have a dish. I don't really use it.
I'm always just washing dishes by hand. I grew up with that dishwasher too.

Speaker 10 And I had a dishwasher in my apartment. I never used it.
Same. I should have not interrupted this just to

Speaker 10 but now I have a dishwasher and it's like magic.

Speaker 2 Well, no, because you know, dishwashers be on some bullshit, right?

Speaker 2 Because there are plenty of times I would load the dishwasher and then a cup would get flipped over, right? And then it's got water in it. I go out of town, I come back, this cup is

Speaker 2 filled with mold, and then you open it up and you forget, and the whole thing is funky. And you're like, I should have just washed this shit on my hand, on my hand.

Speaker 26 Without emptying your dishwasher.

Speaker 2 You have to unload it.

Speaker 2 That's why I just use my hands.

Speaker 2 Everybody's got to wait however long this shit to take and just be like, I got to unload the dishwasher. We got other shit to do.

Speaker 26 Could you guys invest in more paper plates?

Speaker 26 That's what I would do.

Speaker 1 Good luck.

Speaker 1 Who else has got one?

Speaker 1 Hi, what's your tiny problem? During the show, I just found out that there's a rip in the heel of my shoe. I should probably go and get a new shoe, but I don't want to go to the shoe store.

Speaker 2 Oh my God.

Speaker 10 This town is lousy with cobblers.

Speaker 2 They'll cost you eight bucks.

Speaker 10 It's the greatest racket in LA.

Speaker 10 You could charge so much more for this. No, $8.
They'll make your shoe like new.

Speaker 1 Yeah, go to the fucking cobbler. Everything doesn't have to be replaced.
You don't have to throw everything out in this world, this disposable world. These people are over here using paper plates.

Speaker 1 You're throwing out a perfectly good pair of of shoes just because you have a rip in the heel. I don't even know what that means.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what kind of shoes are you wearing?

Speaker 2 He's wearing heels. Oh, your heel broke.
Oh, they're converse.

Speaker 2 Oh, so they're really thin. They're really thin.

Speaker 2 Buy new shoes. Buy a new converse.

Speaker 2 Have you ever heard of a grounding?

Speaker 2 Do I have a wife? Have you heard of grounding? No. This is when you just walk around barefoot.
You got to get in touch, man.

Speaker 2 You get that energy from the earth. This is God's sign.
This is God's way of telling you you ain't in touch.

Speaker 10 I agree. If you walk barefoot enough,

Speaker 10 your body makes its own shoe.

Speaker 2 It does.

Speaker 1 Such good advice. Such good advice.
Let's do one more. Let's do one more.

Speaker 26 Well, wait, who's the woman sitting next to you?

Speaker 2 Can't you just take her shoes?

Speaker 1 That's my wife, and she's got much smaller feet.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 And also, you presumably want her to be happy.

Speaker 2 I'm assuming he's carrying her everywhere.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Look at him swallowing the word happy. You can't even say it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's... No, we've all.

Speaker 2 Misery is your kink.

Speaker 2 We have one more.

Speaker 13 Should I pay for my bridesmaids' makeup?

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 1 well, that's a, I think that's a very,

Speaker 2 well,

Speaker 1 what are we talking like?

Speaker 2 How ugly are they?

Speaker 1 They're beautiful. They're beautiful.
Smart answer.

Speaker 1 Have you already made them pay for a dress? Yes. And was it an expensive dress? No.

Speaker 1 Is it a dress that you know is not that nice because you're protecting your interests?

Speaker 1 No. Beyond it, stop it.

Speaker 1 So you're saying it's a cheap, beautiful dress?

Speaker 2 You're having your and you want.

Speaker 27 Pick their own styles.

Speaker 1 Own styles. What color?

Speaker 13 Champagne.

Speaker 26 That's a hard color.

Speaker 1 That's a tough color. Tough color.

Speaker 1 And can you afford to pay for their makeup?

Speaker 26 It's in the budget.

Speaker 1 It's in the budget. It's in the budget.

Speaker 1 It's in the budget.

Speaker 2 What are you going to do with the money? Keep it?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 You're going to throw some makeup on these wolves? What you doing?

Speaker 2 What you doing? What you doing?

Speaker 1 What do you think, Sarah?

Speaker 10 If you don't

Speaker 10 pay to get their makeup done, where will that money go towards?

Speaker 26 Probably decor, flowers, etc.

Speaker 10 It's six in one. I don't know.
If it makes them happy, and uh, here's, yeah, I think you should.

Speaker 1 Here's why I think you should

Speaker 1 because there's one of two possibilities.

Speaker 1 If you pay for it, there's a nice moment in the day where you're all getting your makeup done, everybody's happy, no set, no issues, no contradictions, no, and that's priceless.

Speaker 1 That's a memory for the rest of your life. And you're not going to think the whole day, should I pay for this? Should I pay for this? Should I pay for this?

Speaker 1 You'll never regret paying for it, especially once you get divorced.

Speaker 10 That's a great point. And also, if you decide to pay for it, don't get in your head about like, oh, this, she was being cunty and I paid for it.
Like, just, you're paid for it. You're paying for it.

Speaker 10 Done.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Or, honestly, one thing you could do is just not pay for it and buy these poor people a dishwasher.

Speaker 1 All right, let's leave it there.

Speaker 1 That is our show. Thank you so much to Sarah Silverman, Lamar and Morris, Esther Brubitsky.
We'll see you next week at Dynasty Typewriter. There are 535 days until the midterms.

Speaker 1 Have a great night and have a great weekend.

Speaker 1 If you're already scrolling endlessly, which we know you are, don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on Instagram, TikTok, and all the other ones for original content, community events, and more.

Speaker 1 You can also find Love It or Leave It on YouTube for videos of your favorite segments and other YouTube-exclusive content.

Speaker 1 And if you want to type our praises or rip us a new one, consider dropping us a review.

Speaker 1 Finally, you can join Crooked's Friends of the Pod subscription community for ad-free Love It or Leave It and Pod Save America episodes, subscriber-exclusive pods, and more.

Speaker 1 Sign up at crooked.com slash friends. Love it or leave it is a crooked media production.
It is written and produced by me, John Lovett and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer.

Speaker 1 Bill McGrath is our producer. And Kennedy Hill is our associate producer.
Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Coffin, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, and Will Miles are our writers.

Speaker 1 Jordan Cantor is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support.
Stephen Cologne is our audio engineer. Our theme song is written and performed by Schersher.

Speaker 1 Thanks to our designer, Sammy Koderna-Rees, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast.

Speaker 1 And thanks to our digital producers, David Tolles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kellman, Delan Villanueva, and Rachel Gaeski for filming and editing video each week. Our head of production is Matt DeGroote.

Speaker 1 Our head of programming is Madeline Herringer. And our production staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America East.

Speaker 1 Just love it or leave it.

Speaker 29 October brings it all. Halloween parties, tailgates, crisp fall nights.
At Total Wine and Moore, you'll find just what you need for them all. Mixing up something spooky?

Speaker 29 Total Wine and Moore is your cocktail central for all your Halloween concoctions.

Speaker 29 With the lowest prices for over 30 years, you'll always find what you love and love what you find only at Total Wine and more. Curbside pickup and delivery available in most areas.

Speaker 29 See Totalwine.com for details. Spirits not sold in Virginia and North Carolina.
Drink responsibly. B21.

Speaker 16 The Kia Sportage Turbo Hybrid has a full design, a spacious interior with 232 horsepower, and a 12.3-inch panoramic display to keep the adventure going and fit with the way you live.

Speaker 21 And with Sirius XM, every drive comes alive, bringing you closer to the music, sports, talk, and podcasts you love, right in your vehicle or on the Sirius XM app.

Speaker 19 Every Sirius XM-equipped Kia Sportage Turbo Hybrid includes a three-month trial subscription to Sirius XM, so the experience begins the moment you drive.

Speaker 17 Learn more at kia.com/slash sportage-hybrid, Kia movement that inspires.