Freaks and Leaks

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If you're a regular listener to love it or leave it or pod save America, or you know, you have a pulse, you know how important it is for us to build a big, diverse democratic movement to fight the rising right wing authoritarian government that's unfolding at a college campus near you. That's why I love and highly recommend you check out the Bulwark podcast.
I'm a listener. John's a listener.
Love the Bulwark podcast. Don't miss an episode.
It's hosted by our friend Tim Miller, who's a former Republican operative turned anti-Trump crusader. He did what a lot of people were too chicken shit to do, which is tell the truth about the threat Trump poses.
Took a lot of risk to do that. Not a lot of Republicans were righteous and moral enough to do that.
And the people at the Bulwark are doing really, really great work. And their podcast features a wide range of guests from across the political spectrum.
They have some Democrats, they have some Republicans, they have some Republicans who are surprisingly now cheering on AOC. If you told them a few years ago that that's what they were doing, I think they'd be pretty surprised.
The point is they are on Team Democracy, which hopefully you are too. So tune in as they cover where the Democratic Party goes from here, what Donald Trump is up to, and who's affected by all of it.
No one knows the dark side better than somebody

like Tim who used to be on it. We love the Bulwark.
We're huge fans of what they're building over

there, and we really want to support it. So check out the Bulwark podcast on YouTube or listen and

subscribe wherever you get your podcast. What's up, Los Angeles? Welcome to Love It or Leave It live from Dynasty Typewriter, which is also the only device Michael Waltz is now allowed to use.
We've got a great show for you tonight. Star of Stage and Screen, Barbie Ferreira, is here.
Jared Goldstein is back. Then we wrap it all up by lowering our defenses and sharing a text gone wrong.
But first, let's get into it. What a week! On Monday, the Atlantic's editor-in-chief, Jeffrey Goldberg, reported one of the wildest stories of our time.
He had accidentally been added to a Signal group chat where U.S. national security leaders were planning military strikes in Yemen.
Part of what makes this so incredible is that Trump fucking hates the Atlantic. It'd be like if someone on my team accidentally looped in Samuel Alito.
Why was Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito in your contacts, Hallie?

The group congratulated each other

following the strike

with National Security Advisor Michael Walt

sending three emojis,

fist, American flag, fire.

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth replied with a martini emoji, followed by five more martini emojis, followed by car emoji. The bad sign.
The shocking lapse led to outrage amongst national security experts and Democrats. Here's Pete Buttigieg.
and to see this administration claiming that it cares about competence and merit

and then be responsible for an epic fuck up like this demonstrates that these are not serious people. How dare you say we're not serious? We're deadly serious about the deal you can get on a new Tesla, said Donald Trump.
Hillary, but her email's Clinton.

Posted the article with an... serious about the deal you can get on a new Tesla, said Donald Trump.
Hillary, but her email's Clinton,

posted the article with an

eyeballs emoji, writing,

you have got to be kidding me.

Then the usher at

Aunt Juliet told her to put her phone away.

But it was worth it.

Republicans, meanwhile, vacillated between the mildest of criticisms

and declaring the whole fiasco a hoax.

House Speaker Mike Johnson called the signal chat a mistake,

but when asked whether Waltz and Hegseth should be disciplined,

replied, no, no, of course not.

There's no reason to discipline these men, Johnson continued,

a little lump in his throat.

There's no reason to teach these boys a lesson. A little strange.
In a press conference the next day, Johnson said of Walt's he was born for the job. He is highly qualified.
The president said he has total confidence in him and we do as well. And this man, this man was born to be a surgeon, said Mike Johnson, watching a guy drop a kidney on the floor, then kick it across the OR.
And then when he tries to grab it, he accidentally knocks the IV out of a patient's arm, sending a streak of blood across the faces of several gobsmacked nurses. Hegseth was asked about the story on Monday and said this.
Can you share how your information about war plans against the Houthis in Yemen was shared with a journalist in The Atlantic? And were those details classified? So you're talking about a deceitful and highly discredited so-called journalist who's made a profession of peddling hoaxes time and

time again. Hegseth continued, please write down that I shared classified information with someone

who is bad. Also, at this point, the White House has admitted that the group chat is real.
It's

too late to say a hoax. The hoax ship has sailed and you've leaked its coordinates.

Trump reportedly is fuming in private, but tried to play down the whole mess in public.

The main thing was nothing happened. The attack was totally successful.

It was, I guess, from what I understand, took place during and it wasn't classified information.

So this was not classified. Now, if it's classified information, it's probably a little bit different.
But I always say you have to learn from every experience.

That's that wise energy we always get from Donald Trump. It's not about how much you make,

it's about what you learn. It's about being curious.
That's what he's always said.

You know, think of every job opportunity as a chance to learn and grow in your field. It was an honest mistake sharing classified attack plans with a random journalist on a group thread using an insecure platform while several of the participants were out of the country, including in Russia, on personal devices that are almost certainly compromised in a way that could have gotten Americans killed.
But it's not dangerous like publishing an op-ed critical of Israel in a college newspaper. That shit should destroy your life.
By delightful coincidence, five of the nation's top intelligence officials, including Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard and CIA Director John Ratcliffe, both of whom were on the Signal group chat, were already scheduled to peer before the Senate Intelligence Committee on Tuesday.

Gabbard claimed not to recall any discussion of specific weapons targets or timing and

refused to answer if she joined the chat from her personal phone or government phone.

Were you overseas during any parts of these discussions?

Yes, Senator, I was.

Were you using your private phone or public phone for the signal discussions uh i won't speak to this because it's under review this is the review you're at it look around you're being asked questions in front of a congressional committee that oversees your agency if you're meeting with hr and they're asking did you take all the baby bell cheeses from the office kitchen home with you? You can't say, this is not the time or the place. Babe, it's the time.
It's the place. Where's our fucking cheese? Later on Tuesday, Waltz went on Fox News and took full responsibility for accidentally adding a journalist to the signal chat.
I'm kidding, of course. He said this.
How did a Trump hating editor of The Atlantic end up on your signal chat? You know, Laura, I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but of all the people out there, somehow this guy who has lied about the president, who has lied to Gold Star families, lied to their attorneys uh and gone to russia

hoax gone to just all kinds of lengths to lie and smear the president of the united states and he's the one that somehow gets on somebody's contact and then gets sucked into this group bitch do you Do you think Jeffrey Goldberg is the Riddler?

When press was... group.
Bitch, do you think Jeffrey Goldberg is the Riddler? When Prez Wells offered this explanation of how Goldberg wound up in the chat. You don't know what staffer is responsible for this right now? Well, look, a staffer wasn't responsible.
But how did the number get in the chat? Have you ever had somebody's contact that shows their name, and you have somebody else's number there? Oh, I never make those mistakes. Right? You've got somebody else's number on someone else's contact.
So, of course, I didn't see this loser in the group. It looked like someone else.
Now, whether he did it deliberately or it happened in some other technical mean is something we're trying to figure out. Totally.
One quick follow-up. What? Jeff is a middle-aged journalist from the Atlantic.
I think if you told him right now that to get a big scoop, he had to sign and return a PDF over email, you've got like a 50-50 shot. What are you talking about? Also, you're a 51-year-old man calling somebody a loser because you fucked up.
Jeffrey Goldberg did nothing wrong. You are lucky that he was incredibly responsible.
He didn't report it before the mission. He redacted the portions that were classified until you claimed they weren't.
You should be thanking Jeffrey Goldberg. It's not his fault.
He's saving your phone as news Jew. And then his name popped up when you tried to add war Jew to the chat.
But these bumbling oafs can't even agree on a lie. Here's Donald Trump just hours later claiming that it was a staffer who was responsible.
What it was, we believe, is somebody that was on the line with permission of somebody that was with Mike Waltz, worked for Mike Waltz at a lower level, had, I guess, Goldberg's number called through the app, and somehow this guy ended up on the call. So first of all, he thinks it's a call.
But I'll tell you, it sounds like we need a few or let's bomb Yemen signal chats and a few more let's get our fucking story straight Google meets. After Trump and national security officials

denied that classified information

was shared in the signal chat,

Goldberg on Wednesday

published a text

that he had initially withheld,

writing people should see the text

in order to reach their own conclusions.

Hell yeah.

More like Hefe Goldberg.

Anyway, here are the texts

Hegsess sent in a signal chat

with a journalist in it

before the U.S. attacked Houthi targets.
Time now. 1144 ET.
Weather is favorable. Just confirmed with CENCOM we are go for missile launch.
1215 ET. F-18's launch.
First strike package. 1345 trigger-based.
F-18 first strike window starts. Target terrorist is at his known location, so should be on time.
Also, strike drones launch. MQ-9s.
Look, I don't know all the rules about what's classified and what's not, but I do know that if Philip and Elizabeth Jennings got a hold of this kind of information on an episode of The Americans, Margo Martindale would come in her pants. Hegseth continued.
1410, more F-18s launch, strike package. 14.15, strike drones on target.
This is when the first bombs will definitely drop. Hegseth is trying to impress the group chat like he's the brother of the groom trying to fit in during the bachelor weekend.
You know what I'm saying? Like, no business. That information did not need to be shared he seemed like he wanted

to seem cool in front of his new friends uh let's also now we just heard that that that level of

detail right let's circle back to that senate hearing for a moment was there any mention miss

gabbard of a weapon or weapons system i don't recall specific weapons systems being named

i'm not talking about specific any weapon or weapon system i don't recall specific names

Thank you. Recall specific weapons systems being named.
I'm not talking about specific any weapon or weapon system. I don't recall specific names of systems or weapons being used.
I think I understand what's happening. If you have a question about weapon stuff, you have to ask Gabbard's innie.
I will say Gabbard claiming not to recall messages she got two weeks ago is credible to me. Gabbard feels like one of those people with 300 unread texts.
You forget she's even in the group chat until she pops up three days later with a, Great job in Yemen, everyone. I lost my phone at the Kremlin, LOL.
Following Goldberg's release of the damning specifics, intelligence officials were back in Congress to do some cleanup. Here's Tulsi again.
My answer yesterday was based on my recollection or the lack thereof on the details that were posted there. I was not and what was shared today reflects the fact that I was not directly involved with that part of the signal chat.
So it's your testimony that less than two weeks ago, you were on a signal chat that had all of this information about F-18s and MQ-9 Reapers and targets on strike, and you in that two-week period simply forgot that that was there. That's your testimony? My testimony is I did not recall the exact details of what was included there.
Totally. One quick follow-up.
Huh? Hegseth, for his part, continued to deny that any classified information was shared in the chat. Nobody's texting or plans.
There's no units, no locations, no routes, no flight paths, no sources, no methods, no classified information. And furthermore, I did not have a drink.
There's no bitters, no vermouth, no schnapps, no olives, no lemon peels, no maraschino cherries. You accuse me of drinking, but where are the maraschino cherries? Hegseth moves the pawn diagonally seven spaces, knocking over a rook and a bishop before resting next to the queen.
Checkmate, bitches. A defense official familiar with the operation told reporters that the information Hegseth disclosed was indeed highly classified when he disclosed it and could have put lives at risk because the operation hadn't even begun.
But you knew that. You knew that because you have never read in the newspaper that American F-18s will be on their way to bomb something in two hours.
You have only heard about it after the fact because you do not have a security clearance and you are not Atlantic Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Goldberg. Attorney General Pam Bondi on Thursday

did her part as a Trump lackey,

opposing an investigation and claiming

that the details of forthcoming strikes in Yemen

were not classified.

If you want to talk about classified information,

talk about what was at Hillary Clinton's home

that she was trying to bleach bit.

Talk about the classified documents

in Joe Biden's garage that Hunter Biden had access to.

Yeah, we talked about that. Now we're talking about this.
Because this just happened. We talk about new stuff more than the old stuff because we already talked about the old stuff.
In 2016, we talked about Arrival and her emails. In 2025, we're talking about severance and we're talking about this.
It's neither here nor there, but Pam Bondi is 59. She looks incredible.
It's kind of terrifying, actually. Most of Trump's goons slowly look on the outside like they do on the inside, these sort of barely upright, screeching gargoyles, or vaguely like Ellen Burstyn in the third act of Requiem for a Dream.
Anyway, just watch this space. Speaking of defying the laws of God and man, on Monday, the Justice Department once again refused to provide Judge James Bosberg additional information about two flights of Venezuelan immigrants sent to El Salvador in violation of his temporary ban.
In their response to his request, Bondi, along with Secretary of State Marco Rubio and Homeland Security Secretary and former dog owner Christy Noem, invoked the state's secret's privilege, claiming that revealing flight details would potentially threaten national security. So I guess we all now sit tight and wait for somebody to accidentally add Maggie Haverman to the deportation slack.
On Monday, a D.C. appeals court heard arguments about the Trump administration's use of the Alien Enemies Act for these deportations.
Said federal appeals judge Patricia Millett, there were plane loads of people. There were no procedures in place to notify people.
Nazis got better treatment under the Alien Enemies Act. And you should see how they treat the Nazis now.
Added Millett, y'all could have picked me up on Saturday and thrown me on a plane thinking I'm a member of Trende Aragua and given me no chance to protest it and say somehow it's a violation of presidential war powers for me to say, excuse me, no, I'm not. I'd like a hearing.
And don't write that down in your planner. I can see counsel writing that down.
Give him any ideas. On Wednesday, Nome toured El Salvador's terrorism confinement center, the 40,000 inmate prison where Trump has sent the Venezuelans, like she does every month to relax and unwind.
Only this time, a film crew was there. During her visit, Noem posed in front of dozens of shirtless men with shaved heads made to stand behind her for the photo op.
I also want everybody to know, if you come to our country illegally, this is one of the consequences you could face. Having to meet me, Christy Noem.
She posed in front of Salvadorian prisoners held indefinitely by the right-wing government there, not the Venezuelans the administration claims are gang members, nor the several people the administration has kidnapped, even though they had applied for immigration status through legal means and seem to only be guilty of having unrelated tattoos, including this tattoo about autism awareness. On the bright side, a lot of guys in Trende or Agua are going to be a little bit more aware of autism.

Those hostages were never given a chance to notify family or call lawyers or speak to a judge and have no idea that right now there are people fighting for their freedom.

They're just trapped in an Orwellian nightmare with no visitors or ways to communicate with the outside world in a country that is not their own with no end in sight. Punchline TBD.
Now, now Republicans are trying to claim that by talking about this or being upset about this, we're falling into a trap. No, we already fell in the trap.
The election was a big pit covered with fucking leaves and we fell at it and we don't totally know how to get out. But I'm casting my lot with the people clawing at the walls, not the people sitting in the center, hoping somebody else will figure it out.
Punchline TBD. On Friday, Columbia University caved to the Trump administration, which had demanded a number of policy changes in order to restore $400 million in unrelated federal funding.
This includes placing the curriculum and hiring decisions of the university's Middle East Studies Department, among several others, in control of a new provost. Also, women and gender studies is now called the ugly woke bitches department.
It's too far. It's too far.
Remember when conservatives worried about free speech on campus? You would think they might notice that the president determining hiring decisions in particular departments of a private university might be some kind of an infringement on free inquiry, free association, and freedom of speech. And yet they don't seem to care.
Isn't that amazing? Isn't that amazing that after all these years about hearing about the threat to free speech on campus, it turns out it was students yelling. That was the threat, not the federal government telling a university in Manhattan, no less, who can be in charge of various departments, setting policy.
The president of the United States, who should be busier, is basically making himself a board member of Columbia University, making specific policy decisions about what happens on this private campus. And Columbia, this institution of higher learning, this American institution, as old as the country, supposedly a defender of liberal values, small l, liberal values, basic free inquiry, the freedom of expression, of curiosity, of intellectual enterprise.
They fucking cave. They fucking cave, which means they're more afraid of Trump than they're afraid of their alumni, than they're afraid of their faculty, than they're afraid of their students.
I wonder if they're right, because right now it seems like they're right. It seems like they're right to be more afraid of Trump than they are of the people, because there were a lot of protests at Columbia last year.
Where are the protests now? Donald Trump is daring us. Every day he's daring us.
And look, I'm part of it. I'm part of the...
I care about this. I pay attention to this.
But I'm part of the problem because every day I treat like a normal day. I'm being part of the problem.
All of us do. And there's nothing wrong with that.
We have to live our lives. But he is doing just enough.
He is going dark enough. He is going far enough, just to the edge of where it would be unacceptable for us to have a normal night.
But we all do, right? We pay attention. We think the news is howering.
Let's talk about something else. We're all doing that.
We're all doing it every day. I'm not saying we're wrong.
I'm not judging it. I'm doing the same thing.
But how much worse does it have to get before it feels strange to just be in a restaurant? It's not that much worse. But he knows that.
They know that. Maybe it's purposeful.
Maybe it's the luck of this kind of reckless, haphazard way of doing business. Maybe it's the combination of their malevolence and incompetence.
But they are doing just enough to scare us, to threaten us, but to let us at night turn on our fucking real housewives, right? And turn our brains off and to have the normal parts of our lives, right? To plan a trip over the summer, to plan a wedding. And I don't know how much longer that can go on, but right now, those of us that are paying attention are wondering why so many others who aren't paying attention don't think it's so bad.
And a little bit of that is on us. And I don't know what it's going to take, and I don't know how bad it gets before we wake up, but the test for all of us is going to be what it looks like when we actually, actually wake up.
And I don't know what the answer is, but I think it starts by wondering what it will take for institutions, even the craven, feckless, pathetic, valueless institutions, are more scared of us than they are of Donald Trump. Because right now, they are correct to be more scared of Donald Trump.
And at some point, that has to change. And I don't know what it looks like, but it has to change.
I'll tell you one place where we're trying to change it is, so I went to Wisconsin just to kind of knock on doors, be part of these canvases to see what's happening there as they're fighting the Supreme Court race. And one of the reasons it's so important is Elon Musk has dropped $13 million into this Wisconsin Supreme Court race.
Why? So that they can install a MAGA guy on the Supreme Court, someone that will rule in must favor. They have a lawsuit in Wisconsin, but also somebody that if they challenge elections, that they have a favorable court, someone that'll put back in place an abortion ban, someone that will make sure that they don't have fair maps in Wisconsin.
Wisconsin had this gerrymandered both assembly map and congressional map. Wisconsin, 50-50 state, famously.
It goes back and forth, right? They have six Republican members of Congress and two Democrats. Six, two.
It's a 50-50 state. Why? Because the supermajority in the Republican legislature drew those maps.
And we finally have a chance. We have a progressive majority on that court that just put in place Fair Assembly maps.
It allowed Democrats to pick up a bunch of seats and break that supermajority. The same thing could happen for the congressional maps.
Not saying Republicans won't. They'll be able to win their seats.
It just won't be as unfair. They'll have to fight for them.
And they don't want that. They want to take back that court.
And right now, a bunch of Republicans in that state and a bunch of Republicans across the country are watching. What's going to matter more? Is it going to be people being angry at what Musk and Trump are doing? Or is it going to be Musk's money that wins the day? Because if the money wins, then all these House members who are going to have to decide whether or not to vote for reconciliation are going to have to decide

whether or not to vote for tax cuts for billionaires and Medicaid cuts, even though it's

bad for their constituents. They have to decide.
What are they more afraid of? Are they afraid of

Musk dropping money on their heads in a primary and standing with their voters? Or are they going

to stick with Musk, have Musk money in the fall of 2026 to protect them from the wrath of the

voters when they do something awful for their district? And what's happening in Wisconsin is

Thank you. going to stick with Musk, have Musk money in the fall of 2026 to protect them from the wrath of voters when they do something awful for their district.
And what's happening in Wisconsin is one of the first big tests of that, which is why if you're hearing this and you have friends in Wisconsin, text them, text anyone you know who lives in Wisconsin to make sure they turn out and vote for Judge Susan Crawford to protect abortion, protect democracy, and stop Elon Musk from buying an election. If you want to do something in the last days, this election is on Tuesday, April 1st.
Go to Vote Save America and sign up. We have to win this.
If we want to turn the tide, it's going to start there. Okay.
And it was great, by the way. And if anybody listening to this came out, it was great to see you.
It's also, by the way, anyone listening, find one of these events, go to these town halls, go to these gatherings where Republicans aren't having town halls. We have to get out of our houses.
We have to get off our phones. We have to be among people.
The phones are a big part of the problem. Expecting to think we can solve this from our fucking screens is the problem.
So if you're hearing this, go to votesaveamerica.com. Find a town hall.
Get out of your house. Go be among people.
Solidarity is not just about politics.

It's about the kind of communities we live in, the society we live in.

You can't make it at home.

So please, please, please go to Vote Save America and sign up.

All right.

On Wednesday, thank you, whatever.

That's great.

On Wednesday, a video of Tufts student and Turkish national, Rameza Ozturk,

being arrested by masked ICE agents hit the Internet.

First, you only get into Tufts. And then this.
That's right. On Thursday, Marco Rubio confirmed that Ozturk's F1 visa had been revoked for her activism.
Here's what he told reporters. Every country in the world has a right to decide who comes in as a visitor and who doesn't.
But we're going to do the same thing if you come into the United States as a visitor and create a ruckus for us. We don't want it.
We don't want it in our country. Go back and do it in your country.
But you're not going to do it in our country. So there's no evidence she was actually involved in any of what he criticized.
He talked about vandalism, arrest, occupying buildings. She wrote an op-ed and others who might share that opinion were a party to a ruckus.
What the fuck is a ruckus? What's the standard here? You are associated with a ruckus? You are loosely affiliated with a ruckus? Can you be deported for a hullabaloo? Can you be arrested by plainclothes officers for having attended a brouhaha? To put this in context, Axios reported Thursday that the Trump administration is considering banning all foreign students from schools That it has deemed as having too many students who are, in their words, pro-Hamas

An official even threatened the possibility of decertifying colleges and universities altogether

And then what happens?

Where did all the late bloomers go to lose their virginity?

Trade schools?

Those kids all fucked in high school. Speaking of people that did not fuck in high school, Vice President J.D.
Vance said to you, sir, that he will accompany his wife Usha on a visit to Greenland later this week after the announcement of her trip was met with criticism. This was supposed to be a girl's trip, screamed Ramona over a Pinot Grigio.
On Wednesday, the Vances reportedly changed their travel itinerary, limiting their trip to Greenland's only American military-based U.S. Space Force outpost, Pitific.
Oh, yes, you simply must go to Pitific in the spring. I've heard they have an incredible Domino's pizza.
Said Danish Foreign Minister Lars Rasmussen, I actually think it's very positive that the Americans are canceling their visit to the Greenlandic community. They will instead make a visit to their own base, Pitific, and we have nothing against that.
You can't tell because the Danish people are so polite, but he just told J.D. Vance to kill himself.
According to a Danish journalist, American officials knocked on doors in Nook

ahead of the Vance's visit to find local families

open to welcoming the second lady,

but found no takers.

But of course they don't.

They don't have any powers until you invite them in.

Has no one seen Buffett?

They were all invited.

They were seniors.

Oh, you were talking about the show?

I'm only talking about the movie.

People talking about the show.

I'm only talking about the movie.

Movie's fucking great.

Here at home,

the White House has invited corporations

to sponsor its Easter egg roll next month,

asking companies to pay between $75,000 and $200,000

for branded snacks, logo placements at the event, and for the biggest spenders, tickets to have brunch with Melania. It's about prices.
his defense, doing this kind of sponsorship was the only way they could afford to buy that many eggs.

It's about prices.

Pope Francis, who is still alive,

made his first public appearance on Sunday

before being discharged from the hospital

where he has spent the last five weeks being

treated for pneumonia.

He's doing great.

It's wonderful news for the Pope.

Terrible news for my Pope pool.

I don't have a Pope pool.

The head of the Pope's medical team told reporters

that the Pope came so close to death at one point

that his doctors considered stopping treatment

to let him die in peace.

But in response, Pope Francis said,

No!

No! peace. But in response, Pope Francis said, no.
No. I'm alright here.
It's not Italian. DoorDash DoorDash announced a new partnership with Klarna, which will allow users to pay for their food and installments over time.
Using a payment plan to buy a cold cheeseburger delivered by a school teacher trying to make rent, that's the second ingredient on the New York Times cooking app recipe for perfectly al dente Luigi's. I'm building a recipe over time.
You have to listen over many episodes to understand the recipe. In other financial news about companies taking advantage of people when they're literally out of cash, the Senate voted to stop the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau from capping overdraft fees to $5.
The rule could have saved hundreds of dollars for people who overdraw their accounts, but the bank successfully lobbied Republicans to keep their overdraft fees coming,

which brought almost $6 billion in revenue in 2023.

I just want to say, so far,

we're getting a lot more national than we're getting socialism, if you ask me.

I thought they'd sprinkle in a little more Z in with the nah.

You know what I'm saying?

It's a lot of nah, not enough Z.

It's the whole promise. A little bit of Z.
Just like, nah, nah, nah. Getting hit in the face with all this nah.
Where's the Z? Germit the Frog? You can find dried light stories. Kermit the Frog You find trying light stories Kermit the Frog will deliver the commencement address At the University of Maryland this spring Kermit was a last minute replacement After they originally had booked Animal Who had to step down from the gig Due to a series of racist and anti-Semitic messages He left in the comment section of nudeafrica.com.
Strange.

And finally, the Washington Post wrote an ode

to the centennial bulb, an incandescent

light bulb that has been burning since

1901 and has only

been turned off a few times in its

124-year lifespan,

each time with the assistance of 32 Polacks. It seems like just yesterday I was screwing it in for the first time, reminisced Joe Biden.
All right, up next, it's Barbie Ferreira. Hey, don't go anywhere.
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She's got hundreds of outfits, dozens of jobs, and Wikipedia says she was born in 1959.

Put your elbow-less arms together for the iconic Barbie Ferreira.

I like that.

1959.

Thank you for being here.

Of course.

Thank you for having me.

So you're in a new dramedy.

Yes, I am.

Which is a drama with jokes.

Got a couple of jokes.

I don't think any of the jokes are on purpose. Like, you're kind of, they were by accident funny in the whole movie.
They emerged from character. Yes, Donning.
Yes, Donning. Exactly.
That's how you know they're good. Yeah.
It's called Bob Trevino Likes It. Mm-hmm.
I like that. I like that.
It's a movie about how Facebook can be good sometimes. Yeah.
Do you agree? Do I agree? I mean, it's got to be. It's inspired by a true story, so I think the director would say yes.
I haven't had a Facebook since I was 14, which was like two years ago. So I wouldn't know.
I got locked out of my Facebook somewhere around 2017. Probably for the best.
And I can't get back in. You can't get back in? No.
How do you do Marketplace? How do you do Facebook Marketplace? I don't. You don't? No, I just drive around with my pickup truck looking for stuff.
You just give it out for free. Listen, people do that, okay? Yeah, I know, but not me.
Listen, I grew up in New York in the 90s. I had bed bugs in Queens, baby.
We don't do that anymore. You had bed bugs? It was Queens in the 90s.
Who did it? Yeah, everybody had bed bugsugs. There were bedbugs at the AMC Times Square, I believe.

I don't want to get sued for defamation.

And Bob Camino is not showing in that theater right now.

It was a long time ago.

Okay, good.

It was a long time ago.

I think they figured it out.

I really hope so.

When I lived in New York, I would, in the middle of the day, go to McDonald's, and I'd

wear cargo shorts, and I'd put a Big Mac in my left pocket, and I'd put the fries in in the right pocket and then I'd go to the movies. Oh, that's genius.
Genius. Genius.
Genius. I like bring a whole bag.
If I'm going alone, I'll bring like a little yogurt, a little bit different than McDonald's, but you know, a little bit classier, but we'll see. We'll see.
But I have like my, my like little snacks in there and then I'm trying not to be like loud, but I think they, I think they, they catch it on. Yogurt at the movies?

I did.

I did.

It was like a bit too much.

But I was having a great time. I think it was everything everywhere all at once.

And I was crying with like a wooden spoon in my glass yogurt.

Oh, no plastic.

That's good.

Yeah, no, I'm great.

I'm a good person.

Yeah.

You don't do plastic?

Do you have a wooden spoon?

Is it your wooden spoon or one of those disposable ones?

Are we using like a-

It was a reusable one.

Okay.

Like a mixing spoon.

Well, no.

I'm picturing a mixing spoon. I believe it was from a farm shop in New Mexico, actually.
The yogurt? No, the spoon. But yeah, if you want.
Have you ever been worried about being catfished? Yeah. I'm sure I have been.
Oh, yeah. I just haven't like seen it.
Oh, it's just ongoing. Well, the question.
It never stops. Because I guess if you never find out that you were catfished, were you? That's a really good question.
Well, there's, like, a philosophical experiment. So let's say, okay, you were deciding whether or not to take the bus or the train on a trip.
Okay. And unbeknownst to you, the bus had broken down.
You just never, you didn't know that, but the bus had broken down. If you had decided to take the bus and gone to the bus station, there was no bus.
There was only the train. So even if you had chosen the bus, you'd have ended up on the train.
But you didn't know that. You picked the train.
Did you? Did you pick the train or do you only think you took the train?

Bro.

Right?

But here's the thing.

If you said to yourself, I picked the train, you went to the train station, you took the train,

you would die never knowing you didn't have a choice.

That's incredible and beautiful.

I wasn't expecting all this.

No, there was I.

It's poetry coming from tonight.

It's a strange show.

It's great. Well, what do you think? Do you think you chose the train or do you think that you didn't have a choice? I think that my intuition was so strong that I knew the train was the right bet.
Oh. Yeah.
You have a big social media following. And it's getting lower every day, baby.
That's cool. And every day it gets worse, so.
Do you think we should shut it all down? I think about this all the time. I'm like, yeah, but then at the same time, where am I going to learn about Great Lakes and murders and stuff? Yeah, I get a lot of good recipes from TikTok.
Oh, I get great recipes. Do you make the viral Turkish pasta? Oh, I haven't, but I've heard.
You got it. I got to do it.
I make a lot of my stuff from TikTok. Oh, I have a great recipe.
I love to cook. Do you make the viral Turkish pasta? Oh, I haven't, but I've heard.
You got it. Well, I gotta do it.
I make a lot of my stuff from TikTok, a lot of my food. But my algorithm on it is pretty good.
What are you making? What did I make? Last night, I made a soup. A soup? I went to H Mart, and then I got a bunch of stuff for a soup, a sundubu soup.
Sundubu soup. Yeah.
H Mart is a Korean grocer. Were you in Koreatown? Yes, I was.
Nice. So we did a little trip there.
I got some water chestnut. This is riveting I'm sure for this whole audience.
Kimchi and I just made it into a beautiful little soup. It was wonderful.
Wow. Yeah.
You also made your Broadway debut last year in Cult of Love. I sure did.
How many nights a week? Six days a week, and then we do eight shows. One time we did nine shows because of the holiday schedule.
Wow. Wow, they don't tell you that.
Do you think they should just film it and then show it so that you don't have to do it over and over again? It seems crazy. Have they thought about that? We've beaten the technology.
The technology exists. You know what? Some days I was like, yeah, they probably should have just recorded it because I wasn't doing it.
But, you know, that's the beauty of live performance. I love it.
I love it. But wait.
Why don't we record this without an audience then, huh? A little laugh track? Well, here's – I'll tell you something. I'll tell you something.
You're raising an interesting point, which is we take this show on the road, and I love doing it. I love getting to go across the country doing this show.
But this show, we put out every episode. So every episode is new.
Every single one. Every time we do the show, we start from a blank page, a blank canvas that we paint for all of you.
But... And then I will be on the road and like a friend of mine who's a comedian will be in that town and they'll be like, oh, what are you doing today? What do you mean what I'm doing today? I'm sitting in a hotel room.
We're writing this show for the people. But when you do theater, you do the same show every night.
The same exact thing. So you get all the applause, which feeds us and keeps us alive.
Of course, yeah. But during the day, that's your time.
And then some days you don't. I would be like, I literally would, like the Saturday matinees, they weren't into me.
Just letting you know right there. But in the Saturday evenings, ooh, I killed.
Do you think Saturday night is the best night? When did you bring your A-game? I brought my A-game every day, of course. Every single show.
Sure. Any Broadway casting directors are listening.
No. Every single day, I brought it all.
You know what's funny? I think Tuesday night was like, meh. But then like randomly, like a Wednesday night would just be like, I just feel like a rock star.
I love it. Huh.
Yeah. Do you think that Wednesday night is different because you also did a Wednesday day show? Well, we started off doing Wednesday day shows.
Well, we started off doing Saturday and Sunday matinees, which was crazy. It means five show weekends.
I know. Oh, poor me.
Poor actresses. And yeah.
And so when we started doing it on Wednesday, it was much better.

But the matinee crowd was funny.

A lot of people would just start talking at me on stage.

Hecklers on Broadway?

You would think it's hecklers, but I think they're just confused.

Well, the matinee crowds are older, right?

I would say so, yeah.

Not to generalize.

No, no.

But they were, you know. No, this is to generalize.
We are generalize. Let to generalize.
No, no. But they were, you know.

No, this is to generalize.

We are generalize.

Let's generalize.

They were older.

And thus.

How could you say that?

How could you possibly say people were older?

Then they would wake up and there's one time.

Cult of Love was a great play.

Okay.

Yes, people were.

Some people may have slept in a woken up and then screamed at me during a very powerful scene with me and Zachary Quinto because they were scared Zachary Quinto was on this show he sure was oh I remember we talked about Cult of Love oh did you now what'd you say that he said that that people would scream at him at the matinees right every time or like ringtones are back ringtones are back baby so I remember during the post 9-11 years I remember Dick Cheney would always be like we have to get it right every time but the terrorists only need to get it right once we gotta stop every single time they try to get us and the terrorists they only have to get through once we have to always succeed they can fail a million times if they succeed once they've done it that's what it is with the phones because you can look at a theater of 2,000 fucking people if one person can't think to to turn off their goddamn ringer, you're all exposed. You're all exposed.
You know what's crazy? Our phones have do not disturb mode. They do, and I love that mode.
But that just means their normal mode is disturb mode. Yeah.
You know what my favorite is? When people will send anyways, those people are monsters. Because you have the option of, if you have do not disturb,

they will send it anyways.

Monsters.

Get them out of your life.

Do you have your chatting pals

where it's like you're driving,

you have 15 minutes.

You have your list of three to five people

that you just go through your phone and call.

I'm very popular, so yes.

And do you have friends where they'll call twice?

They'll just ring you twice.

Just for no, like I'm just trying again. I will immediately think it's an emergency and pick it up.
Yeah, so you answer. That's the idea.
And it works every time. Yeah.
Spencer and I double ring each other. Get the fucking phone.
I'm calling. This is a good time for me.
Yeah. This is a good time for me.
I totally agree with you. But it's also just like you're the do not disturb of it all and the double calling.
It comes with an intimacy of friendship that I think some people just don't have the social, they just don't understand. I'm like, why are you calling me in the middle of the night? Well, you know, we're of different generations.
And so I think we have a different, are you a calling person? I love to call. See, I love to call too.
I like to text too. I'm not into texting.
I think it was a mistake. I agree.
I retext wrong all the time. I think like the people are mad at me.
Oh yeah. But they're not.
Or I seem like I'm mad at them but it's actually great. Well it's that there's no correct way to end the conversation and it's like and I know there's nothing wrong with it and it's like not a judgment of me personally but if you're in the middle of a conversation going back and going back and going further, it's slowing down a little bit.
And then you reply one last time, and then you get the thumbs up, the emoji to end the conversation. I don't even know what those are.
They're not emojis. They're reactions.
They're reactions. The reaction to end the conversation.
It's like, oh, sorry. Oh, sorry.
I didn't mean to offend you. Sorry.
I guess we're done. Texts are scary and there's different languages for everyone.

If you're talking to someone in different age brackets,

it's just completely different.

You never know what the vibes are. Who's the oldest person

you text?

50s.

She should get older.

She should go older. Older? Let's find some older people.

I would love to have older friends.

Great.

Now,

I want to hear a little bit about

I'm sorry. I would love to have older friends.
Great. Now, I want to hear a little bit about your dog and its diet situation.
Oh, yeah, my dog, Cowboy. Yeah, what's happening? Do you just give people a little bit of a...
Guys, this is a crazy story, so please buckle up. So I was on Broadway, so when i brought my dog to new york and my mom just so you asked about my dog i was on broadway yeah i was on broadway critically acclaimed too new york new york times critics choice critics fucking choice or whatever anywho um so my my mom uh decided to kidnap my dog and she's private chef.
And so she spent all day just cooking for him, like these beautiful anchovies and liver with every single day a different menu. And so now I have to cook for my dog every day.
I meal prep for him. I'll get some bagged frozen veggies.
And then I made him an ancestral bison the other day and I was like angrily making it

too. I was like, do you even know? He's also like

a mutt. He literally lived

on the street for a year. But he deserves it.

He's sweet. What's

ancestral

about it?

It's ancient meat? I think they just do it to

double the price. Ancestral bison.

Ancestral bison. I don't know.
It was $15. Doesn't all bison presumably have ancestors? I assume so.
It'd be more interesting if it was a bison without ancestors. The GMO bison's baby.
You can't track it. I see.
Like heritage bison. Like heritage turkeys.
People get those fancier turkeys. Not the butterball ones that have been in defiance of God's will

made enormous.

Just waddling around.

Yeah, too big.

Too big.

Too big.

They're like,

I'm not supposed to be here.

No, this bison was just right.

This bison was just right

and now my little cowboy

can eat and, you know.

But your dog got real fat, right?

He did.

And my mom kept going,

because he's three years old

and she kept going like,

oh, you need a new collar soon. He's outgrowing it.
I'm like, mom, he is not growing. Like, he is getting bigger.
And she's like, oh. And I had to, you know, and it also does like a 15 pound weight limit thing when you travel with them.
I was a little bit scared about bringing him back to LA. We're good now.
We're good. You have to kind of squeeze him into one of those panels.
I just hoped for the best. He's so small when you look at him.
Obviously, he's very chunky and dense now. They don't care about density.
They don't check for density. There's no density limit.
The dog could be a black hole, really. It could be a dwarf star.
It just has to fit in that fucking container. I love it.
And that's cowboy. And that's cowboy.

And that's cowboy.

I used to travel back and forth with my dog,

and that was back when you could get your friend to say that you had emotional needs.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

But the government cracked down on that.

They did.

You can't get away with that no more.

Nope.

They stopped that.

Probably for the best.

Yeah, probably for the best, I guess.

Just the L.A. people who bought their emotional support bought their emotional support certificate can't go to the front of the line with their dogs? I just think emotional support dogs, real or fake, make the whole world a better place, then we should have them on the planes.
And I don't really have a problem with it. I do think so.
I think it got out of hand because people were like, oh, this is my emotional support donkey. And it's like, well, we can't deal with that now.
Well, then you were hearing

stories about hamsters and guinea pigs and

oh my, just all sorts of things. My view is

let it be a menagerie. I love it.

Is that Falcon from Dubai?

Sure. A Falcon from Dubai.

Yeah. Maybe that's just internet lore that doesn't

exist, but I bought it.

My media literacy, you know,

low.

Bob Trevino likes it. It's in theaters.
It sure is. When we come back.
And not at the AMC bed bug one. No, that was many years ago.
And again, I can't verify that. And you have to verify it for yourself.
Just something I remember from my time living in the Big Apple. When we come back, Jarrett Goldstein's going to join.
Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.
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And we're back!

Joining us now is the Ken to our Barbie

minus the smooth plastic genitals.

Oh!

It's Jared Goldstein!

I have very hairy, rough genitals.

I believe you.

What's up?

Hi.

What's up?

We're fake.

We get hugged back there.

We did.

It's okay.

I'm drunk, but that's okay, right?

What?

I'm drunk, but that's okay.

For sure.

You had one can of wine.

I know.

I haven't been drinking, and it hit hard.

You had a can of wine?

I had a can.

LA, baby.

Can I just say?

Yes.

Barbie Ferreira is the coolest name a person can have.

Thank you.

Well, by the way is Barbara. Boo.
Hey, that's still cool. It's still very cool.
And I love seeing that on the flyer next to the second coolest name a person can have, Jared Goldstein. Baby.
Jared. Jared, Barbie.
It's like God's going through the thing.

It's like, wait, I have one extra Jared Goldstein who's a comedian.

I'm missing an orthodontist.

Thank you for being here, Jared.

Thanks for having me.

Now, you're both in the public eye.

To the same extent.

What I want to talk about today, because you're both, because...

I don't know. Now, you're both in the public eye.
To the same extent. What I want to talk about today, because you're both, because...
What are we both? Yeah, we're both in the public eye. You're both in the public eye.
You've been a model. I sure have.
And you could be. You could be.
I have. And you have.
I have been a model. You have? What'd you model? It was in a newspaper.
So you know it's good. And it was toys for Christmas, honey.
What kind of toys? Yeah. What kind of toys? Just like a lot of toys.
I don't know. It was like...
Wooden, plastic. Yeah, it was like we were on a couch and there was like a lot of us and like, you know.
But I was in it and it was a photo and they printed it. I believe him.
I was a model. So I want you guys to both watch my gait and see why it's so weird.
Okay. Spoiler alert, it's because he's gay.
Oh, shit. No, it's not, because I've gone to the parades.
It's not that. Okay.
I'm going to just walk normally.

I'm going to try to get out of my head about it because it's going to be strange.

No, literally get out of your head. It's so hard to walk normally when you're thinking about it.

I know why.

Your shoulders are too tight.

Loosen up.

Your shoulders are too tight.

Loosen up.

Your shoulders are...

Drop your shoulders.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Baby, no.

Yeah, do it again.

Okay.

I'm going to just take a deep breath.

Close your eyes.

No one's here. It's just you.
No, I know. I know.
No, I know. All right, here we go.
It's weird. I think it's the shoulders, but also the legs.
I think it's something you work. You can work with this.
Can I commend you for that is actually how you walk, and you actually did walk the way you actually walked. You're great.
And that's huge.

Give him a round of applause.

That was very vulnerable.

There's something strange about the gate.

I think it's the posture.

I'm seeing the letter R.

Oh.

Yeah.

Which direction?

Where is my head?

At the top.

And where?

Like, I'm seeing a lowercase R.

Oh, lowercase.

Oh, no.

Yeah. Like, I want your a lowercase r.
Oh, lowercase. Oh, no.
Yeah.

Like, I want your shoulders down and back, chin in, and also just take a, like you were saying, relax.

Yeah, just like, relax, babe.

Relax.

Hey, have you seen this video that went viral this week?

From influencer Ashton Hall cataloging his 1,000-step morning routine.

Yes!

All right, let's see a clip. Saratoga, baby.
Oh, where is it? Wow. Did you see that? No.
It's awesome. I love the journaling.
The purple light. A little detox with the internet with the phone.
It's ice water with Saratoga. Dip.
Got to get a dip in there. 9.05, another bucket of water.
We got to go ahead and get at least 10,000. We got to get at least 10,000.
Lighting can be anything. Do you know what I mean? First of all, I love this video.
So just so people understand, his routine started at like 3.45 a.m. No, it didn't.
He's a liar. But whatever he claims, he says it starts at 3.45 a.m.
and he sits down to work at 9.15 a.m., which is five and a half hours of morning routine. He brushes teeth for five hours.
His gums are gone. He jumps in the pool and he kills like ten minutes in just the dive.
Yeah, he dives. There's a sign behind him that says no diving.
And he does it anyway. He's a bad boy.
That's influencing. It's amazing.
And then you're like, well, what does he do? And I guess this is what he does, which is he's some sort of life coach and people see the morning routine and think I want to be like him, but how does, and have his life. Well, what is his life? It's telling people to do the morning routine he just filmed.
It actually is. And there's a beautiful woman.
I don't know if she's actually beautiful, but she has great nails, and I love a good nail, and she's always making him food or strapping on his weighted vest. Yes.
There is a nameless, faceless woman who is providing services. Free her! Throughout, for sure.
For sure. Free her.
Who is she? We don't know. Is she getting paid? It's so unclear.
It's so strange. There's also something so, the ideal morning routine is a routine that has these steps that can only exist if you're responsible to no one.
To no one. That there's no child that's interrupting.
There's no spouse who needs you to do them something. That like you are an isolated being who is responsible only to yourself.

And that kind of perfecting your day requires complete isolation.

Complete isolation.

Five hours of morning isolation.

I mean, we're only up for 16.

He's in a lot of pain, that man.

He's in a lot of pain.

He's in a lot of pain.

Also, he eats a banana and rubs it on his face.

He does.

Okay, film that. I think we have it.
Hello. There you go.
Oh, bitch. What's that? What's in the banana? Well, as the expert, I don't know.
I actually, I did hear that it does nothing. Yeah, no.
That's what I, I read it in a very factual tweet, so. I'm gonna start doing the ice thing though that looked good yeah I wanna start doing two ice plunges in the morning or just one just to start he's handsome I mean it's working something's working there's so much going right in his life that you like it's like this half like I admire him so much but then I'm so repulsed by everything that's happening that it's just like, you really feel for these people.
Well, this is the start of the pyramid scheme. Everyone's always selling packages of, like, how to get rich.
Right. That's the internet thing.
So this is the start. Which is a perfect segue into our, into...
And you know what that sound means? It's time for a segment we're calling The Shame Game. As you mentioned, all of these things are in some way leading to a business, to a product.
All right. Social media taketh, but it also giveth a million new problems to hyper-scrutinize our bodies for and ultimately get us to buy things or do things.
Jared and Barbie, I'm going to give you a new micro-insecurity courtesy of TikTok.

And you will rank them on a scale

from one to five, with one being,

I would never be insecure about this, and five

being, I have to leave this stage immediately

and squat naked over a full-length

mirror to make sure I don't have this.

This is like my everyday life. Let's do it.

Okay, the actual scale. So the scale

is going to go, if it's a one, it's a nice try, TikTok.

If it's two, it's wait, that's what my head

looks like from behind.

I'm not going to go, if it's a one, it's a nice try TikTok.

If it's two, it's wait,

that's what my head looks like from behind.

Three is, sure, but there's a cream for that.

Four is panic ordering dozens of turtlenecks on Amazon at three in the morning.

And five is booking the flight to Turkey.

Gotta go to Turkey.

And a smile, the hair, get it all in there.

Get it all in there.

Get it all in there.

It seems fun. It seems fun.
I'm going to go to Turkey. And a smile, the hair, get it all in there.
Get it all in there. Get it all in there.
It seems fun.

It seems fun.

I'm gonna go to Beverly Hills.

Yeah.

No, I see why.

I see.

I know Turkey's there.

I want to be in a place where if something goes wrong, I can sue.

No, totally.

I like it.

I like that.

Gotta be able to sue.

It's the only way to level the playing field.

The doctor is always so powerful.

But not when they know.

You can sue. First up, a few years ago, hip dips or the naturally occurring indentation between the hip sock and upper thigh that some people have became something to destroy, to embrace, or potentially both.
Jared and Barbie, they say hips don't lie, but do they have you obsessively staring in the mirror every morning in your new leggings? Where do you rank this potential insecurity on a scale of one to five? I've always had hip dips. And whoo! That's right.
Anatomy, baby. I would say one.
I mean, like, hip dips? I mean, come on. Everyone got it.
Absolutely. What are your thoughts on hip dips? I think it's a one for sure because I didn't know, I didn't even know based on this picture if this was something to get or something to stop.
Well, it's obviously disgusting. I didn't know.
I was like, is this the ideal we're all striving for but is it impossible? Or is this something everyone has and must get rid of? The line gets blurred every day. Right? Speaking of a blurry line,

I'll say this is the last part of a woman's body

I was ever attracted to.

And for that reason, I'm supportive of it.

Okay.

The first was her mind.

I'm still attracted to that part.

Okay, cool.

Are you?

No.

Free her. Free her.
Free her. that part okay cool yeah are you no free her free her free her let's find out her name and free her all right that's a one next up we have something called irish hair according to tiktok irish hair or irish curls describes an inconsistent curl pattern with a person hair is straight jewish hair too at the top and curlier underneath that's right sure jewish hair yeah jared and barbie does irish hair have your eyes smiling or are you ready to erin go brah to the bathroom bro who the fuck cares i'm like you i'm going to beverly hills not to turkey because i have a guy who helps me with it oh you get a little keratin yeah yeah i do it in the very front and in the very back.
Wow. You have different patterns.
Not right now. Right now I'm like, this is me natural right now, but I'm done.
I'm sick of it. You're sick of it.
Time to go back. So I'm a five.
You know, I really... He's a five.
Let's say it. He's a five.
He's a five. I'm a one.
I think it's fine. I think it's fine.
I think it's fine. Literally, yes, get a Dyson Airwrap if it bothers you, that one.
I think, like, look, as somebody who has struggled to use his money to buy hairlines via Beverly Hills Doctors, and then successfully done that several times. Yeah.
You're in. No, absolutely.
I find that, like, basically, as someone who has, like, been obsessed with their own hairline and just basically observe hairlines, like, very closely, I find that people with amazing hair, present company included, they talk about hair with the kind of, like, they're,'re like upper deck Titanic passengers talking about the accommodations. You know, they're like, I don't like the view from my room.
And meanwhile, like, I'm down here with the fucking rats. And they're like, oh, I go for a carrot and treatment because it's a little curly in front, but a little curly in the back.
It's like, fuck you. We're just trying to, we just want, down here with Jack and Rose, we just want coverage.
I know. We just want coverage.
You're so right. I hear about airlines all day, by the way.
I have to check my privilege so much in that way. One time I told this woman, she was like, what's the secret? What are you doing here? Please tell me what to do with my hair.
And I was like, here's what it is. Nothing.
And she looked so mad. Yeah, for sure.
She looked so mad. For sure.
Let me take, you said. What I'm saying is the health of your hair is the value.
So don't burn your hair. Do nothing, essentially.
But then, you know, yeah, whatever. Male pattern baldness will come for you no matter what.
That's something I hear. I hear all day.
I hear all day about it. It's like truly the talk of the town.
All day. Hairline, hairline, hairline.
I kind of am like, you know, if guys have one thing to worry about and it's hairline, I'm like, alright. It's fine.
Jason Statham? Gee, it's fine. You gotta have such a specific head to pull that off.
Everybody's like, oh, Bruceis, Jason Statham End of fucking list This doesn't work This doesn't work This doesn't work for me like that I don't have the confidence I respect the men who do I don't have it I honestly never would have even known That you had any sort of Story behind it. Absolutely.
Absolutely. That's, yeah.
Effortlessly cool. Yeah, that's right.
And that's right. Next up, cortisol face.
This is a TikTok favorite. Cortisol face? Yeah.
Cortisol face. Last year, thousands of videos flooded the app to tell me specifically that my face might be extra round due to too much of the stress hormone cortisol, the kind of repetitive TikTok that might stress you out a little bit.

According to the Cleveland Clinic, cortisol face, or moon face, can occur as a result of certain syndromes or as a side effect of medication like steroids, but they reassure patients that it is in itself dangerous.

But we don't care if it's dangerous, Cleveland Clinic.

We just want to be hot.

Jared and Barbie, do I have cortisol face? No. You don't.
I'm sorry. I mean, where do you rank cortisol face on scale of micro insecurities? To be fair, I don't know if I buy it.
I think if you're on a medication, like I've been on prednisone for, you know, like losing my voice or something, and then i feel like i'm angry and big and like red but i don't know if like you being stressed is gonna make that big of a difference on your face but you know what maybe who knows do they have broadway doctors that inject steroids the way like football doctors inject steroids in the knees to get people back out there like horses absolutely so you i actually heard that people don't like doing that because the girlies who sing, they try to keep their vocal health good and if you do too much of that, you strain it even more. I don't have that problem.
And also, I was smoking packs of cigarettes before I had to stop for Broadway because I was like, I'm going to lose my voice. But they do shoot you up, yeah.
B12 and prednisone happens all the time. Cool.
I should do that before this show. You would be hyped and angry.
I get angry. Next up, bad facial harmony.
It's another syndrome that only exists in the mind of the mad. Bad facial harmony refers to the concept that one can have good individual facial features, but bad overall facial harmony.
You could also have the inverse, which I guess is being overall gorgeous, but with dog-ass individual features. Oh, wow.
I mean, here's a prime example of a horribly ugly woman. Yeah, hideous.
With terrible symmetry. Is Bella, is she the idea of, like, bad facial harmony? No.
Or she's good facial harmony? I think this must be good facial harmony. It's another classic case of, do we want this or not? I think we do.
I think we do. I'm not worried about facial harmony.
I think it's like a three. I think I get talked into it.
Maybe a two. I'd say a two.
If someone was like, because one of my eyebrows is a little lower than the other one, hate. Do you have this thing where when I look at my face in a FaceTime, it looks like my eyes are all black.
Are you having that? They have like sneaky filters on FaceTime that you can like turn off. You mean like the whites are gone and the whole thing is black? Demonic possession on FaceTime? I'm sorry, are you seeing something different? Like it looks like I don't have like, my eyes are brown and it looks like my eyes are black.
Does anyone have that? Maybe. We'd get that checked out.
I don't have that either. I don't have that.
I don't have that. Finally, this is...
The bionic possession. Yeah, I have that.
This is something called septum arms. Huh? I don't know what it's...
Oh, because this is why it's called that. He or she would be hot septum arms.
Oh. Oh, my goodness gracious.
What if I was like, yes, yes, stop. Yes, exactly.
Some people are ugly in their arms.

I was going to smash, but your disgusting biceps were, I mean, I guess.

Maybe.

Not me, not me.

I'm an angel.

This seems like it's like the millennial equivalent of a butter body.

Butter, oh.

You know. Butter face, butter face.

Butter face, butter body.

That was something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was once called a butter face once to my face. I was so complimented.
I was like, I have been working out. I would die.
If someone said you're a butter face to me, I would be so gassed. I literally would be like, that's right.
The body's hot. Body tea, bitch.
You know what? This is actually funny. I've never actually even talked about it before, but it was a very drunk person at a gay bar in D.C.
called Halo that was at 17th and R. And if you were the person that very drunkenly came up to me and said, oh, you're very hot, bitter face, and then left, if you remember that, I remember it.
So you're right to feel bad. Yeah.
You're probably around my age and you did it and I remember it. When I first started doing stand-up and Roast Battle was really popular, I wrote a joke for someone else that was like, she's a butterface meaning that she'll let you put it in her Butterface.
Yay! I was proud of that, right? That's a great joke. I like that.
That's a really good joke. Thank you.
I like that. That's a really good joke.
It did just fine, but I was like, I really was, I wanted an Emmy. I was like, I feel like that should get me some kind of golden statue.
I agree. Butterface? It was really good.
I think you gotta put a little more spin on the second time we say butter. Yeah.
You know? And that's where we're feeling the wine that I had backstage. Yeah.
But I think it's a great joke. It's a beautiful simple joke.
It's beautiful. Beautiful.
Very well written joke. Very well written joke.
Congrats. Alright.
Thank you. Good one.
Jared, in your podcast, Sorry What, you can get that wherever you you get podcasts you can it's an advice podcast it's an advice podcast from a bad listener I'm doling it no one's wanting it but I'm telling you how to live your life hence the name Sorry What yeah exactly do you think it's Sorry What I would go Sorry, next up, the text is coming from inside the house. Hey, don't go anywhere.
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Hey, it's me, Paige DeSorbo, and I'm so excited to share my new shoe collection at DSW, filled with my favorite styles and trends for spring. Because if you know me, you know I'm kind of obsessed with shoes.
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And we're back! Monday is Trans Day of Visibility so keep your heads on a swivel. Turn the house lights up.
I don't like that. Just want to remind everybody that from Crooked Media Reads, we have Woodworking.
It's the debut novel from Yellow Jackets writer and culture critic Emily St. James.
I truly love Woodworking. If you haven't read it yet, pick it up.
Support Emily. Support Crooked Media.
Support this book. It is a trans story, and it's just an amazing story.
It's an incredibly entertaining and grossing read. Highly recommend the audiobook.
Emily was on Love It or Leave It a few weeks ago, and if you didn't grab a copy then, now's your chance. It's fun.
It's moving, and everybody should grab their copy at crooked.com slash books or anywhere you like to get books. It's a great queer story for people that are, you know, anywhere on the flag.
But if you're somebody that wants to be supportive and wants to understand the trans perspective, there's a lot of coverage of the politics, but not really enough conversation about just the experience and a lot of coverage of trans people that is about trans people as objects, as opposed to being subjects. And so everybody should go to crooked.com slash books and pick up a copy.
Also, as I mentioned in the monologue, in Wisconsin, we got to do everything we can to elect Susan Crawford, who is a qualified judge, and to stop Elon Musk's backed MAGA guy, the right-wing attorney general. It's the first major race since Trump won in November.
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Also, we're off next week,

but we'll be back at the Allegiant Theater

on April 10th with Robbie Hoffman

and more great guests.

So if you're in LA,

grab tickets for Love It or Leave It

live at crooked.com slash events.

All right.

Now for a segment we're calling Houthi Among Us. Hey, look at us.
Oh my god. There we are.
Wait, do you see what I mean about the black eyes? They're beautiful. They're good.
They're deep. They're deep.
They're deep eyes. Okay, okay.
Stop trying to find stuff to complain about. Okay, okay, okay.
Look, Michael Waltz, the national security advisor, has obviously screwed the pooch. But haven't we all sent a straight text or two? To show some empathy and, more importantly, embarrass our guests, we're each going to share something we've done in text that we regret in a segment I've already named.
Barbie, kick us off. When is the time you sent an Aaron text, included the wrong person, made a mistake? Okay, so this is quite a while ago, maybe like 10 years ago.
I remembered this today, and I was immediately stricken with embarrassment again. I was texting someone, like a friend of mine, and I was like, oh, let's meet here.
I was in New York at the time. And so I show up and I see someone else that I know.

I'm like, hey, what's up?

And they're like, oh, like, are you coming with us?

I'm like, what are you talking about? Like, I'm waiting for my friend.

And I'm like, okay, weirdo.

He walks away.

And then I realized I was texting that person the whole time.

And he thought I was like, I was just like lost my mind.

And like, we were supposed to meet at this exact place.

I was like, that's so random that you also happen to be at this exact place right now. And so, yeah, that was embarrassing.
Did he think it was a date? No, it wasn't a date. He had friends with him.
But that was riveting. I know that story is crazy.
No, but he came. He did.
And then I was like, oh, I'm just meeting someone here. Like it just like did not click with me.
But what happened when he figured it out? I mean, it must have figured it out? He actually was great and just walked away with his friends. I was just like, okay, fucking weirdo.
But he clearly wanted to see you. This is what I'm trying to understand because he got a whole group of friends.
He's like, no, no, we got to go meet Barbie. She's inexplicably texting me.
But it's important that I see her for some reason. So did you break his heart? Are you sure this person didn't want to date? Maybe.
I mean, I never know. So, I mean, maybe.
But no. I think the person that I was trying to meet was someone I was trying to date.
And what happened there? Well, then I just, like, I blew it. I was, like, the whole time I thought it was someone else I was texting.
It was, like, days and days of conversations. But did you ever go back to the person who was supposed to be? No.
I was too mortified. I never talked to either of them again.
But that one guy was like a mutual friend of a bunch of people. And I had just been flirting with him and I had no intention.
And I... So I guess, yes, he was trying to date me.
And yeah, I did break his heart. But it's okay.
It was an accident. I still think about how awful that was.
And also the worst part is this all grand central station you know wait what were you going were you going for oysters what's going on i was at the time i lived in like mount vernon and so i god this is this is just stories guys juicier and juicier doesn't it so i it was like i was like in midtown i was like what am i doing here and i just like look like an idiot and have to go home. I'm sorry that happened.
It's okay.

I think I'm okay.

You're okay.

I think I'm okay.

What if that other person you meant to be texting is the love of your life?

God, I don't even remember who it was.

What if that was a siding door?

You know what it is?

I never saved anyone's name in my phone, and now I do it.

Wow, that's chaos.

Chaos.

That's crazy.

I know.

I have like 900 unread messages.

I need to stop.

No, no, no.

I really understand and respect that. I get it.
I get it. I need to stop.
No, no, no. I really understand and respect that.

I get it.

I get it.

I thrive in chaos.

But what do you think it is about us that there's something about our relationship with

time because it's as if there's no future.

As if like, yes, we know who this is right now.

And that's all that matters.

As if we can't imagine a future where they will be in our life

for an extended period of time

so that it's obviously right now

worth saving the number.

Why shouldn't we save the number right now?

Well, because we're not going to know this person.

We're not going to see this person

or we're not going to live.

Why aren't we saving the numbers right now?

You should ask that to 18-year-old me

who was stoned out of her mind

in the Supreme jacket.

I'm doing better about saving the numbers. I save all the numbers now.
Ever since then, I really learned a lesson. Do you know there's a name for this? What? I'm going to get it wrong, but it's something very dumb, like tip-top-timism.
Can you look it up? It's like tip-top-timism. Have you heard about this? Tip-top-timism? Yes.
Do I have a rabid case of tip-top-timism? That's what you have. Wait, this is going to be huge for you.
What's tip-top-timism? It's people who are chronically bad with time, and you have an optimism about how much time you think you have. Couldn't be me.
It's something about time and optimism. It's become one word.
Tids-optimism. Yes.
What is it? Say it again. Tids-optimism.
Tids-optimist. I like tip-top better.
I know, I know. It's a terrible word.
Yes. Say it again.

Tids Optimist.

I like Tip Top better.

I know. It's a terrible word.

It's spelled T-I-D-S Optimist.

Tids Optimist.

Okay. We'll check that out.

You might have that.

Send that to my therapist.

Who I'm now angry hasn't brought it up.

Though it's hard to bring it up when we have an appointment in six months. Got to text her back.
Number's not saved. Jared, when have you made a mistake on text? I feel like I have texted stop to end to the Democrats at least 20 times.
And there is no end in sight. And I feel like maybe you might have something to tell me.

So the texts have got to fucking stop.

Again, I will say I actually want to figure out if this is possible.

But I do believe in something called Democrat Plus, which would be an ad fee.

It's a car.

It's a car.

It's a phone. It's a car.
But it's a service you would pay a monthly fee to support progressive politicians, but no ads, no texts, no phone calls, no nothing. And everyone makes the deal.
You're giving this all away for free. No, no, you're going to have to donate.
We're talking about the idea, babe. No, no.
Yeah. I mean, it's just for the country.
Right, right, right. It's a good idea for the country.
But it's hard because you have to figure out, because then it's like they all want money and they all raise money separately. And so it's very complicated.
But I kind of like the idea of something called Democrat Plus. So I'm going to work on that.
Okay. I really am.
We elite Democrats. I really am.
For the fancy Democrats who want to pay a monthly fee. Well, I just think it's like there's a lot of people donating in $5 increments all the time and then you're like constantly getting like...
Why not get a TV show out of me? Yeah. I love it.
Yeah, right? No, it's also a streaming service. But no, if you go to...
I'll go to my text right now. I'm going to go to my text right now.
I don't have to look very far. They're just doing like AI scams of this.
I'm telling you, the AI scams, if they were smart, they would tap into the... They would just do both.
It's the same company that's sending out all the messages because there's people who are like hey how are you oh are we getting dinner next week and it's actually a scam have you have you been caught in this oh yeah I mean I yeah I feel I feel like there's a missed opportunity for some scamming also just as a public service announcement nobody at easy pass is texting you oh we were just talking about easy pass that's the one that got me we were just talking about easy pass easy pass does not reach out to you or Wells Fargo I'm like my Wells Fargo I've Ever had Wells Far talking about EasyPass. That's the one that got me.
We were just talking about EasyPass. EasyPass does not reach out to you.
Or Wells Fargo. I'm like, my Wells Fargo? I've never had Wells Fargo.
EasyPass is not texting you. That's not how it works.
It's not EasyPass. Don't click that link.
The scams are getting better. They are.
They're getting more personable. Or we are getting older, but let's say that the scams are getting better.
Speak for yourself. We're not getting older.
Hey, that's you. No, not me.
No, just this. Just me.
I like this kind of generational dialogue. We have two members of Gen Z and a member of Millennial.
Yes. And that's what this is.
What is AARP? That's me. You're AARP.
Yeah. You're AARP.
Well, I used to be Gen Z and now I'm Millennial. They've changed the year.
Hey, did you see the news that Gen Z is more conservative than millennials? I believe it.

There's a lot going on

with Gen Z.

What are we going to do?

God,

I mean,

I have the exact answer

for this.

I have the answer.

I have the exact answer.

Can we just work on it?

Can we just promise

to work on it?

I'm trying.

I feel like I try

and then,

but the Gen Z,

you know,

as a Gen Z millennial,

whatever,

Zillennial,

I'm starting to just like

lose grasp.

Like,

they're not,

they're not hanging out anymore. No one's fucking.
Everyone's conservative. It's scary.
It's algorithms. It's algorithms for sure.
I was trying to think of a text that I sent that got me in trouble and I actually realized that the worst I am as a person is,

is not in the text I send. It's the text I don't send.

And the years of just letting things go by and being like,

I gotta respond to that until it's gone forever.

Yeah.

And it sucks.

And I kind of wish I could have like an auto reply message.

That's just like,

like,

thank you for your text.

I'm not built for this era and I have time, I'm not, like, the great myth is that we're all so busy there are some people who are very busy but everyone's got four hours of screen time so we're all pretending to be busy, I have the time I could reply I'm probably not going to because I didn't think of something to say in the moment. And then my day kept going.
And then my day kept going. And I'm really sorry.
And it doesn't mean I don't love you, but it probably means I don't love you. Just don't value them.
And I think it's bad. And I think it's how fascism came to America.

They'll be like, how did fascism come to America? It was mostly texting. We tried to find it.
It was the pandemic. It was eggs.
And it was texting. And in hindsight, it was not the right response.
If we have hindsight, then. What a weird note to end the show on can i start running for office i think i'm sure i would love that for you i would love that i think um i think it's algorithms is like the big problem i think like it's it's it's design we know how we know how they work and it's like, my own algorithm feeds me things that I either hate or agree with, but even it's always from the loudest people who are the most annoying.
So even when I read things that I agree with, it's comes from such an annoying source that it makes me want to stop believing in the things that I believe in. And I have to actively talk to myself and put my phone down and remember who I am and stop reacting to this like reactionary thing.
And that is also like designed from like a billionaire who's like deciding what we look at all the time. Like we, we just forget that we're like, we're looking at this thing and it's like, and that's just how it works.
But it's like, is decided by someone that is making, I think the, the pendulum of like conservative and liberal going back and forth is very natural and will happen all the time. And that's kind of okay.
But it has become so psychotic and exaggerated because someone started making money off of it. And our whole lives are controlled and ruined by truly seven people who are profiting off of this.
And I hope that it can stop some. We need to go back to websites.
If everyone just had a website, I will get a, I will get a square space. I will get one.
Come to my square space. I do think like, just like, I think that that's right, but I actually think part of, like I was talking to a friend of mine and this is where we'll leave it.
I was talking to a friend of mine who's like trying to think about how to bring local news back, right? Like we've lost local news in so many places that newspapers were eviscerated. Everything has been nationalized.
It means there's tons of local corruption and stories that are not being told. It means that when there are problems in Los Angeles or there are potential solutions in Los Angeles for say the housing crisis, and then these interest groups like the NIMBYs put a bunch of pressure on the mayor to reverse a policy that will allow more housing to be built across the city because the public isn't able to get fully informed.
Only the hyper aware, the kind of

special groups that are really paying attention are able to really carry sway and like causes

problems all across the country. And she's thinking about how do we bring back local news

and talking about, well, the business model changed and the local places didn't adapt and people really do want local news. That's why there's Nextdoor.
People are clamoring for it. And then part of it is also we have to recognize our agency.
Why did these newspapers go away? People stopped subscribing to them. Yes, it is the algorithm, but it's also all of us collectively choosing to participate.
And I think what I'm increasingly realizing to have both. I think like what I'm, what I'm increasingly realizing is like part of, I think what we try to do all the time.
And I think it's why people like Luigi. It's why people, I think, liked Barack Obama sometimes is they thought, oh, finally, someone's just going to fix it.
Right. And like, that's what the right likes Trump.
Like someone's going to fix it. We know who to blame.
We know who can fix it. I can just sit here in my house and the problem will get resolved.
And we are not getting to the end of this without all of us making hard, hard sacrifices, which may include, by the way, forcing ourselves to do unpleasant things like not looking at our phones and actually having in-person interactions and accepting some discomfort and boredom

and challenge that comes along with building coalition

with people that don't see the world the same way as you.

And the more we take ownership of that

and the more responsibility we take for that,

I think the better hope we have

for actually figuring our way out of this.

And that's what I think about that.

That's our show.

Thank you so much to Barbie Ferreira and Jared Goldstein.

We'll see you in two weeks.

Two weeks from now at the Lesion Theater.

Also, check out Saturday.

We're going to have a very special episode of Terminally Online

hitting your feeds on Saturday.

Is that happening?

Probably.

If you're hearing this, it's happening.

There are 584 days until the midterms.

Have a great night and have a great weekend. Love it or leave it is a Crooked Media production.
It is written and produced by me, John Lovett and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer.
Bill McGrath is our producer. And Kennedy Hill is our associate producer.
Hallie Keeper is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Thank you.
Thanks to our designer, Sammy Koderna-Ries, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast.

And thanks to our digital producers, David Tolles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, Dilan Villanueva, and Rachel Gajewski for filming and editing video each week.

Our head of production is Matt DeGroat.

Our head of programming is Madeline Herringer.

And our production staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America East.

It's Love It or Leave It. Love it or leave it.
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