Don't do it, Gayle!

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Speaker 2 Hi, Georgia.

Speaker 3 Hi, David. What do you think the world needs more of?

Speaker 2 Well, the world always needs more podcasts.

Speaker 3 Didn't you used to have a podcast?

Speaker 2 Not only did I used to have a podcast, Georgia, it's coming back.

Speaker 1 David Tennant does a podcast with season three. It's coming at you.

Speaker 2 Okay, and who are your guests? Who are my guests? What about Russell T. Davis?

Speaker 1 What about Jamila Jamil? What about Stanley the Toochtoochie?

Speaker 3 So it's really just you hanging out with your mate?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Come, join me.

Speaker 4 David Tennant does a podcast with bye.

Speaker 2 What's up, everybody?

Speaker 1 Welcome to Love It or Leave It Live from Dynasty Typewriter.

Speaker 1 A podcaster is running the FBI and we hate it.

Speaker 2 What a world.

Speaker 1 Tonight on the show, Jesse Tyler Ferguson in a new musical by Sontime's Ghost. Lisa Traeger is here to face the biggest frights of the week.

Speaker 1 And I'll end the show by asking each of my guests what five things they accomplished.

Speaker 1 But first, let's get into it.

Speaker 2 What a week.

Speaker 1 On Wednesday, Attorney General Pam Bondi touted the impending release of the new Jeffrey Epstein files by the Department of Justice.

Speaker 5 Tomorrow, Jesse, breaking news right now, you're going to see some Epstein information being released. A lot of flight logs, a lot of names, a lot of information, but

Speaker 6 it's pretty sick what that man did.

Speaker 1 Among the new details she teased included the financier's client list and other previously unreleased documents.

Speaker 1 Probably not this photo of Elon Musk and Glaine Maxwell, though, because this photo of Elon Musk and Glene Maxwell was already public.

Speaker 1 Or this video of of Trump and Epstein.

Speaker 1 Because that video of Trump and Epstein was also already public.

Speaker 1 Then on Thursday, a group of MAGA influencers posed outside the White House holding binders titled the Epstein Files Phase 1, which was strange because whatever was in those binders was not provided to Congress.

Speaker 1 And usually you don't hand out criminal evidence like it's a swag bag at a conservative singles conference.

Speaker 1 An outraged Congresswoman, Ana Paulina Luna, tweeted, I nor the task force were given or reviewed Epstein's documents being released today.

Speaker 1 And a New York Post story just revealed that the documents will simply be Epstein's phone book. This is not what we are the American people asked for and a complete disappointment.

Speaker 1 Sure, send them back like you're at a restaurant and the binders you ordered weren't cooked enough.

Speaker 1 Ask Senator Mike Lee,

Speaker 1 one, if the Epstein files are out, where do we find them? Great. Two, what's the difference between phase one and phase two? Adding, will the Epstein files files tell us whether he killed himself?

Speaker 1 Just a classic question for a senator to ask on social media.

Speaker 1 And then we learned that the DOJ didn't appear to release any new information at all, enraging conservative commentators online.

Speaker 1 And for conservative commentators to be enraged online, you know, it must be pretty serious.

Speaker 1 Right-wing influencer Laura Loomer described them as prop binders and said, none of the influencers even posted screenshots of the binders.

Speaker 1 Open the binder and post every single screenshot or you're you're a liar. Is this what it feels like to watch liberals infighting from the outside? This feels fucking great.

Speaker 1 The grass really is greener.

Speaker 2 Fuck.

Speaker 1 And then, twist: Attorney General Pam Bondi issued a letter accusing FBI Director Cash Patel of withholding the Epstein files from release. This is like traitors if it was all Tom Sandoval's.

Speaker 1 Terrible townsperson.

Speaker 1 Terrible faithful at Tom Sandoval. Just absolutely, just truly the traitor's best friend at Tom Sandoval.
He sucks at it.

Speaker 2 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 1 It's unbelievable. Every single episode, there's like a side plot that's so stupid, they literally cut it from the show.
And then you get to the roundtable, and then there's just two people vote.

Speaker 1 It's Tom versus some other person. They're in their own private story that we'll never know because it was so profoundly dumb, it wasn't even worth showing it to us.

Speaker 2 I love it. I love it.

Speaker 1 I don't don't know if you haven't even watched whatever it is, Vanderpump.

Speaker 1 But you know, I am watching, I just caught up on Salt Lake and I'm going back to the beginning of Real Housewives of New York. That's my coping.
That plus wearing flip-flops to the office. And

Speaker 1 oh my God, to go to be introduced to Bethany Frankl as a person making chicken salad on the internet today and then to travel back in time to the origin.

Speaker 1 We'll get to it. We'll get to it.
According According to Bondi, sorry, I interrupted the Jeffrey Epstein section of the monologue.

Speaker 1 According to Bondi, she did get 200 pages of Epstein's documents, including contacts, flight logs, and victims' names and phone numbers, most of which is a matter of public record.

Speaker 1 However, she claims a source from the FBI's New York office informed her that there are thousands of other pages, which is why she's demanding Patel deliver the full Epstein dossier to her by Friday morning, February 28th.

Speaker 1 This all culminated in the House Judiciary GOP account on X posting breaking Epstein files released, but get this, the link didn't lead to any kind of dossier. It was, in fact, a Rick roll.

Speaker 1 You know, that classic meme where you claim to have evidence of crimes against children, but you're just joshing around.

Speaker 1 What Bondi described to Waters on Fox News is evidence of crimes against hundreds of young victims.

Speaker 1 These are real people who were trafficked and abused over many years, who in many cases were denied justice because of Epstein's money and influence.

Speaker 1 And the Attorney General of the United States is treating releasing information about these crimes like she's teasing a new album.

Speaker 1 And according to my anti-defamation trading, this is where I have to leave this for today.

Speaker 1 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 1 Speaking of crimes carried out over many years, on Tuesday, President Trump posted an AI video to Truth Social depicting his plans for Gaza, a seaside resort complete with a gigantic golden statue of Trump himself.

Speaker 1 No more.

Speaker 1 Palestine will be free from the river to the seafood buffet.

Speaker 1 That was actually the second freakish AI Trump video of the week.

Speaker 1 On Monday, a video showing Trump rubbing and kissing Elon Musk's feet under the words, Long Live the Real King, played on TV screens in the Department of Housing and Urban Development.

Speaker 1 And unfortunately, we do have a clip.

Speaker 2 Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 2 All right, God.

Speaker 1 Damn it.

Speaker 1 And now you have seven days to show that to someone.

Speaker 2 Haha.

Speaker 1 For our audio-only listeners, Cherish not having seen what we've just seen. Betsy in the front row is bleeding from the eyes.

Speaker 1 Speaking of the devil, at Trump's first cabinet meeting, he called on Elon to speak before any of his actual cabinet members. Here's what Elon said.

Speaker 8 We will make mistakes. We won't be perfect.
But when we make make a mistake, we'll fix it very quickly.

Speaker 8 So, for example, with USAID, one of the things we accidentally canceled very briefly was Ebola, Ebola prevention.

Speaker 2 Ha!

Speaker 2 Ha ha!

Speaker 1 Oops. Incredible thing to bring up unprompted in a meeting.
That would be like me right now telling all of you that I almost hit Tommy with my car because I was buying a bucket hat on my phone.

Speaker 1 It's true, but why would I announce it? None of you even asked.

Speaker 1 Current and former USAID officials said it wasn't just a brief disruption. The agency's Ebola prevention efforts have largely come to a halt since Doge gutted it last month.

Speaker 1 It's unfortunate that uncontrolled global Ebola outbreak is below Dan Bongino on my 1,000-item things to be terrified of list, but that's where we're at.

Speaker 1 And while we're telling the truth about things, I did hit Tommy with my car.

Speaker 1 It was just a tap and I was more scared than he was.

Speaker 1 During the meeting, one reporter asked Health and Human Services Secretary and Human CoinStar Machine, RFK Jr., about the recent death. We're allowed.

Speaker 1 We're allowed to make jokes about his voice.

Speaker 1 Human Coinstar Machine, RFK Jr., was asked about the recent death of an unvaccinated child in Texas, the first measles death in the United States since 2015.

Speaker 8 It's not unusual. We have measles outbreaks every year.
You sound a little under the weather yourself, Richard.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's nothing. It's measles.
I have measles.

Speaker 1 We do have measles outbreaks all the time. They're happening a lot now because of declining vaccination rates, because of misinformation about vaccines from people like RFK Jr.

Speaker 1 It's like he's driving a car straight into a 7-Eleven and saying, what a shame this kind of thing is happening more and more.

Speaker 1 Meanwhile, Trump officials have canceled a vaccine advisory panel that was scheduled for next month to decide which flu strains next year's flu vaccine would target.

Speaker 1 It's running behind schedule schedule because RFK Jr. isn't done with the taste test.

Speaker 2 I don't know what that means.

Speaker 1 Speaking of rich people in places they shouldn't be, Trump announced a new executive order this week.

Speaker 9 We're going to be

Speaker 9 selling

Speaker 9 a gold card. You have a green card.
This is a gold card. We're going to be putting a price on that card of about $5 billion, and that's going to give you green card privileges plus.

Speaker 9 It's going to be a route to citizenship. And wealthy people will be coming into our

Speaker 1 given your tired your poor but also your huddled oligarchs yearning to see the manhattan apartment they were using to park their rubles

Speaker 1 uh green card plus like uh no ads

Speaker 1 and uh yeah again something else that you need congress to create a new kind of green card anyway uh that by the way about oligarchs is not hyperbole

Speaker 9 would a russian oligarch be eligible for a gold card yeah possibly Hey, I know some Russian oligarchs that are very nice people.

Speaker 9 It's possible.

Speaker 1 But are they happy?

Speaker 1 Speaking unbelievable.

Speaker 1 Speaking of oligarchy, the Associated Press, which is still banned from the White House press pool, by the way, reported that Starlink equipment had already been installed in Federal Aviation Administration facilities.

Speaker 1 No word yet on when the submarine will be ready to save those Thai kids, now Thai adults stuck in that cave.

Speaker 1 Remember that submarine?

Speaker 1 Started, it was that was the sign. That was the sign of where we were headed.

Speaker 1 The satellite company, owned by Elon Musk SpaceX, is reportedly on track to take over a $2 billion contract currently held by Verizon to provide a network for air traffic controllers.

Speaker 1 Great news for plane crash enthusiasts.

Speaker 1 If you're at a crosswalk, make sure to look left, right, and up because you might

Speaker 1 Don't even need to finish it.

Speaker 1 Because you might get hit by a plane. All right.

Speaker 1 And I can't believe this was over the weekend, less than a week ago, but over the weekend, Elon Musk kicked off the latest Doge debacle by sending an email to millions of federal workers with a subject line, what did you do last week?

Speaker 1 To their relief, he was just trying to destroy their careers, not ham-handedly flirt like they'd feared.

Speaker 1 The email demanded that workers provide five bullet points explaining explaining what they'd accomplished in the past week by the end of the day on Monday or lose their job. Chilling.

Speaker 1 If I had to write out what I accomplished last week, I would be fired from the company I co-founded and own.

Speaker 1 John, all five of your bullet points can't be consumed stale office snacks to make room for new and better snacks.

Speaker 1 I want you to know something.

Speaker 1 In a way that I won't bother explaining to you, that is a little too close to reality

Speaker 1 about the intra-office snack conversation that's been ongoing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like, how healthy, you know?

Speaker 1 By Monday, confused federal employees were struggling to make sense of contradictory guidance from Musk, personnel officials, and Donald Trump himself about whether or not to respond.

Speaker 1 These poor people, at least when I email my employees demanding they answer my questions, the answers are obvious, like, no, it's not noticeable at all, or, oh, like 33, maybe 35, but definitely not 42.

Speaker 1 NBC News reported that responses to the email were expected to be fed into an AI system, which would decide which jobs were necessary.

Speaker 1 And this just in, the AI has decided that only its job is necessary and that every federal employee must be liquefied into XF9 fuel to power a new kind of computer we don't even know about yet.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 By Monday night, 48 hours later, the Trump administration had backed off saying responding to the email was voluntary.

Speaker 1 Nevertheless, the White House announced on Tuesday that more than a million employees had responded, roughly a third of the federal workforce.

Speaker 1 This should go without saying, but if you ever put yourself in a a position to receive 1 million emails in 48 hours, you have fucked up on a shocking sale

Speaker 1 or you bought a t-shirt one time.

Speaker 1 And if that wasn't enough, in a Sunday Night Truth social post, Trump announced that MAGA podcaster Dan Bongino will be the next deputy director of the FBI, even though he's never worked at the FBI.

Speaker 1 Doesn't even make sense.

Speaker 1 That announcement came just an hour after the FBI Agents Association told its members that the agency's newly installed director, Cash Patel, had privately committed to naming an FBI agent as his second-in-command, which is what every previous FBI director has done because it's a real operations job for a person with experience.

Speaker 1 You can't ask a novice to spy on Martin Luther King and infiltrate the NAACP. That takes experience.
It takes know-how.

Speaker 1 Neither Patel nor Bongino have ever worked at the bureau they now lead. I wish we could have some grace for these guys.

Speaker 1 It's genuinely brave to take on such a big job like that without the right experience and under so much scrutiny. Your first week at any office is just weird.

Speaker 1 Like the first time you have to poop at work when you're at your new job. It's the worst.
Everybody's going to see your shoes.

Speaker 1 Current and former FBI agents said they were appalled by the choice. Bongino, a former Secret Service agent and Fox News host, once said in his podcast that the FBI is irredeemably corrupt.

Speaker 1 This is what we call in Los Angeles manifesting.

Speaker 1 One former senior FBI official told reporters, we now have two conspiracy theorists and election deniers running our premier law enforcement agency, and any hope that Cash could be steered by having experienced leaders around him is out the window.

Speaker 1 Also, soon to be out the window, journalists asking the wrong questions.

Speaker 1 Bongino defended his appointment on his podcast, saying, People play different roles in their lives.

Speaker 1 People are dads, people are soccer coaches, people are comps and military officers, people are carpenters, people are plumbers.

Speaker 1 We play different roles in our life, and each one requires a different skill set.

Speaker 1 I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a dad, I'm a plumber, I'm a neat freak, I'm a slob. 9-11 was an inside job.
All right.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Also, podcasting doesn't require a different skill set. It requires no skill set.

Speaker 1 Speaking of podcasting skills, Fox News has been a little bit obsessed with our Pod Save America interview with Bill Maher this week, specifically my defense of trans rights.

Speaker 1 Here's part of that interview. You want the government to ban gender-affirming care for kids?

Speaker 4 You want to lose every election. Just keep coming down on the side of parents coming in second in a who gets to decide what goes on with my kid content.

Speaker 1 Let me just be the first to say hello to all your grandparents out there who just saw my face for the first time.

Speaker 1 Here's Joe Consha on my performance.

Speaker 1 That was John Lovett from the Soros paid Pod Save America, who looked like, you know, dude, can you take a shower or do something before you go on a major podcast like this?

Speaker 1 First of all, this episode of Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Soros brand Jewish Space Lasers

Speaker 1 The Jewish Space Lasers, we're passing over you

Speaker 1 right now.

Speaker 1 Also, Joe wouldn't be talking like this if he knew how much sloppier I look on the days when I don't have a big interview. He would be complimenting my clothes-toed shoes.

Speaker 1 He goes on.

Speaker 1 I mean, look at the guy. I mean, what, sweatpants, t-shirt? It's 5.30 in the morning, and here I am in a suit, but go figure.

Speaker 1 The only two good reasons to to be in a suit at 5:30 in the morning are because you're sobering up at a Waffle House, or it's the day of your open casket funeral.

Speaker 1 Here's Fox's outnumbered on the interview.

Speaker 10 Maria, I wanted to ask you about the sort of synergy between media and the Democrat Party writ large as they talk about strategy and how this issue plays into it.

Speaker 10 For example, here's Bill Maher on why Dems are losing elections.

Speaker 1 The Fox News headline said Bill Maher takes down liberal podcast host argument on trans issues, Daily Mail. Bill Maher eviscerates

Speaker 1 former Obama speechwriter over Dem's obsession with trans issues.

Speaker 1 This had tons of right-wing pickup with Fox News picking quotes and misrepresenting or ignoring what I said, just to play the final quote that Bill Maher said as he was leaving, which is fine.

Speaker 1 But there is zero equivalent of this on the left.

Speaker 1 At best, what I saw was a debate about whether it was right to platform Bill Maher, one of the most popular political hosts in the country with a massive audience of his own.

Speaker 1 The right sees this as a debate to win. The left sees it as a debate about whether the debate should be taking place,

Speaker 1 which is a pretty great way to lose a fucking debate.

Speaker 1 My view remains, parents in teens and their doctors know better than the government. That's a hill I'll die on.
And you know who else died in a hill? Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 Was he trans?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 According to George Soros' new woke Bible, the new woke Bible, do unto others as you would have others do unto they them.

Speaker 1 Look, the idea that Democrats are taking power out of the hands of parents is a lie. You know what is putting parents second?

Speaker 1 Putting your medical decisions about your children, about your body, in the hands of the Trump administration. And did you see those hands this week?

Speaker 1 What's going on with Trump's hands?

Speaker 1 They say this from working too hard.

Speaker 2 Is that a

Speaker 1 bad case of executive order hands?

Speaker 1 And finally, Katie Perry, Gail King, and Jeff Bezos' fiancé, Lauren Sanchez, will be among the crew on the next Blue Origin spaceflight this spring.

Speaker 1 Look, I'm going to do this now because it won't be appropriate in a couple weeks.

Speaker 1 Baby, you're a firework.

Speaker 1 Sexy. A lot of singing tonight.
Sexy confidence.

Speaker 1 Uncontrolled descent. All right.

Speaker 1 Said Gail King to her co-hosts on CBS this morning, I have to tell you, I'm so afraid.

Speaker 2 Just that feeling, Gail, listen to your body.

Speaker 1 Gail King, your life is so good. You work so hard to build this life.
There are so many people who would literally, not rhetorically, but literally murder to have your life.

Speaker 1 Being a beta tester for a billionaire's rocket hobby is a project for alcoholic divorced dads who can't remember their kids' birthdays.

Speaker 1 It's for the kind of guy at a bar who says something like, Look, Chief, there's nothing for me down here. I've got to be on that rocket.

Speaker 1 Of course, Blue Origin was founded in 2000 by Jeff Bezos with a singular mission to help mankind kill Katie Perry.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 1 You're coming up next. He's a triple threat with a triple name.
It's Jesse Tyler Ferguson.

Speaker 11 Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

Speaker 1 Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Helix.

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Speaker 12 What is the secret to making great toast?

Speaker 13 Oh, you're just gonna go in with the hard-hitting questions.

Speaker 12 I'm Dan Pashman from The Sporkful. We like to say it's not for foodies, it's for eaters.
We use food to learn about culture, history, and science.

Speaker 12 There was the time we looked into allegations of discrimination, bon appetite, or when I spent three years inventing a new pasta shape.

Speaker 8 It's a complex noodle that you've put together.

Speaker 12 Every episode of The Sporkful, you're going to learn something, feel something, and laugh. The Sporkful, get it wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 2 And we're back.

Speaker 1 Please welcome the stage. He's part of our modern family.
And also he's on a very famous show of some kind. Please put your hands together for the wonderful Jesse Tyler Ferguson.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being here. Welcome.

Speaker 2 Hi, thank you for being here.

Speaker 1 I was so excited that you're in

Speaker 1 Here We Are.

Speaker 1 You're going to be in the London production of Here We Are.

Speaker 2 Here We Are last musical in London. Yeah, do y'all know who Steven Sondheim is?

Speaker 2 So he wrote a musical

Speaker 2 and then passed away before he was able to finish it. And it's actually, it's a great show.
They put it together. They kind of,

Speaker 2 I would love to just like leave something unfinished and be like, you guys deal with it.

Speaker 2 And they put it together and it's this great production and they did it in New York. And a lot of the original.
New York cast can't go do it in London. So I was asked to come to London to do it.

Speaker 2 You're a fan of Steven Sondheim. I'm a fan of Sondheim's.

Speaker 1 Well, so when I,

Speaker 1 in my previous life, I used to call it my plus one world tour. I got to meet a lot of amazing people.

Speaker 1 That relationship doesn't exist anymore, but I keep the memories.

Speaker 1 Those are mine.

Speaker 1 Around the holidays, Ronan and me and I would go sit with Steven Sondheim for a couple hours around Thanksgiving, around Christmas.

Speaker 1 And it was during this period of time, because I believe he started around 2013, 2014, and he was working on it until he passed away. And he would talk about how he was working on this musical.

Speaker 1 And the first act was one Buniel film, and the second act was the other.

Speaker 1 And the first is about a dinner party that won't start, and the second is about a dinner party that won't end, but that he was struggling. And

Speaker 1 he was struggling and he was getting older, and he was like racing to finish this thing. So it's so exciting to meet someone that's going to be part of this musical that's going to be on stage.

Speaker 2 Did you see the production in New York? I haven't. I haven't seen it.
I want to go see it. It's great.
Oh, wait, I brought you something. I forgot.
Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 It's a Stephen Santa lapel pen. Ooh.
That's so cool. Yeah.
It's for your shirt.

Speaker 1 So are you, are you a big Santa person?

Speaker 2 Huge, yeah. I, um, I only met him once.
I never, I've never worked, I never worked with him when he was alive. I saw everything that was available to see when I was in New York, but I did see

Speaker 2 a revival of Merrily We Roll Along that was not, not the Daniel Radcliffe one, one before that at City Center Encores that my friend Celia was in. And I was backstage afterwards saying hi to Celia.

Speaker 2 And Sutton Foster was also there. And she had just done Anyone Can Whistle for Him.
And so she's like, Have you ever met Stephen Saw in Time? No, I haven't, but please, please introduce me.

Speaker 2 I'm so excited. I mean, this was a big moment for me.
Like, I've met very exciting people. This was like, I'd never been more excited to meet someone in my life.

Speaker 2 She introduces me to Stephen Saw in Time. And I want to remind you, I had just seen Merrily We Roll Along, which she had written 20 years, 30 years earlier.

Speaker 2 And all I could think of to say to Stephen Sollentheim

Speaker 2 was, and this is the only words I've ever exchanged with him,

Speaker 2 good job.

Speaker 2 Wow. What the fuck? Good job.
And now he's gone. I don't even, I can't be like, oh, I was so embarrassed.
I was so nervous to meet you. It's over.

Speaker 1 No, he's gone. That's it.
And I mean, look,

Speaker 1 I mean, he did do a good job.

Speaker 2 He did a good job. I would say great job now if I had to take that moment back.

Speaker 2 I would at least say great job. It was like bad backstage.
Like, well, you're really up there. Like, it was like just bad.
Yeah, no, no, you knew it for sure. Listen,

Speaker 1 you're right about the anecdote.

Speaker 2 You blew it. I blew it.

Speaker 1 You blew it. Now he's gone.

Speaker 2 Now he's gone.

Speaker 2 But the universe has given me this moment. So now I get to kind of in some way repay it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's nice. I think that's nice.

Speaker 2 You know what?

Speaker 1 Merrily Roll Along is interesting because I don't know if if you know about Merrily We Roll Along, but it goes backwards.

Speaker 1 It starts at the end of people's lives and career, and you kind of work backwards and see their start and how their relationships evolved, how their careers evolved.

Speaker 1 And here's my view on it: it should go forward.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know, I think it's actually honestly, I think he, I think it was a blunder.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because it's like, how did we get here? Oh, now we find out.

Speaker 2 Spoiler alert.

Speaker 2 Yeah. and you know, they're doing a film version.
Oh, wow. Do you know this?

Speaker 1 I didn't know that. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Richard Linklater is doing a film version. And, you know, he's famous for like filming things for like 900 years.

Speaker 2 He did boyhood. Yeah.
So he's filming, and it makes sense this way because he's filming it, you know, with forwards. You can only film it.

Speaker 2 He's only filming it forwards, but he's going to release it backwards.

Speaker 2 That's a blunder. That's a mistake.

Speaker 1 I think I want, honestly, crazy pitch.

Speaker 1 Let's double our profits here, Release two versions.

Speaker 2 One goes forward, one goes backwards. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Or you know what? Somebody on the internet will do it for me.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then remember when the Godfather, they came out with there was the Godfather and then there's Godfather Part 2. Obviously, it was Godfather Part 2 jumps around.

Speaker 1 And then someone's like, I think they released a full Godfather plus Godfather Part 2 in order.

Speaker 2 Wow. So that can be done these days.
The work that someone spent on that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What was that computer? It was like their cut and film.

Speaker 2 I don't know. It sounds like a stone person.
Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 1 Jesse,

Speaker 1 you also also have a wildly successful podcast called Dinners on Me, in which you delight in an array of incredible celebrities.

Speaker 1 The only difference between our podcast is that yours includes a sit-down meal, and mine occasionally includes a stand-up Italian beef.

Speaker 2 Literally true.

Speaker 1 I'll just stay occasionally. Whenever we go to a city and I want to eat while I'm there, I say, Can we bring out a folding table and eat it on stage? And nobody can say, No, it's my company.

Speaker 1 So, we wanted to engage you in a little dinner conversation ourselves in a segment we're calling yeah,

Speaker 2 so stupid.

Speaker 2 Oh, look at us! Oh my god, I look like I'm on a Zimpic, yeah,

Speaker 1 and I am. All right,

Speaker 1 we'll talk about your podcast dinners on me in a bit, but to make you more comfortable, oh, oh, wow.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're bringing the lights down a little.

Speaker 2 Shit, uh, oh, candles,

Speaker 2 my goodness, wow,

Speaker 2 Oh, my basement just flooded.

Speaker 1 Because of all the rains.

Speaker 2 Okay, so here's what we're going to do.

Speaker 1 Now, originally, we were going to get the cards that Esther Perel, we were going to use the Esther Perel questions, but we didn't. So now we just have some kind of conversation starters.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to shuffle these.

Speaker 1 We're going to alternate for a couple.

Speaker 2 I'll do animals.

Speaker 1 If you could make any animal pocket size and carry it around with you, which one would you shrink?

Speaker 2 Peacock. Peacock.

Speaker 1 Interesting.

Speaker 2 It just like struts around and then a pew. Wow.
Opens up. But only the men.
Only the men when they're mating.

Speaker 1 Let's skip the ones that say players because I think it doesn't work.

Speaker 2 How about

Speaker 2 I know?

Speaker 2 Famous people. Okay.
If you could pick one famous person to run the country, who would you choose? What?

Speaker 2 Wow. That's crazy.

Speaker 2 Who would? Who?

Speaker 1 I mean, mean, right now, it's like

Speaker 1 Kiki Palmer. But the thing is, like, we're not, there's no election.
So, really, we're saying I'm choosing a dictator. I really struggle with hypotheticals because I start playing out what they mean.

Speaker 1 And then I start to think, so I've installed some sort of an illegitimate dictator, right? Which is going to really make their governing harder. And it's like suddenly they emerge.
I've chosen them.

Speaker 1 But so I think somebody uniting AOC, sure.

Speaker 2 We'll go. Why not?

Speaker 1 I think AOC, I think, you know what? Actually, I here's. I'm actually picking.
I'm choosing Bernie Sanders. He's not a, he's a celebrity.

Speaker 2 Is he a celebrity? I was gonna go with Oprah.

Speaker 1 I'll take either, honestly. I take a name from the fucking phone book right now.

Speaker 2 I know, truly, truly, that guy.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 1 if you had to wear food as a clothing, what would you pick?

Speaker 2 Ooh, spaghetti. Oh,

Speaker 1 interesting. Impractical.

Speaker 2 Impractical.

Speaker 2 No, I mean, at least. Just like a RuPaul drag race, like, like, if they were like

Speaker 2 queens, you have to make an outfit out of food. They would all run for the spaghetti.

Speaker 1 You know, they would. They would, but I'm standing back saying, you dummies.
Fruit roll-ups.

Speaker 2 No, that's like the basic thing. Like, that'd be Michelle being like, I'm so

Speaker 2 tired of seeing like leotards and fruit roll-ups. No, no.
And I just, there's like three RuPaul's Drag Race fans in the audience. No, I get it.
I get it.

Speaker 1 And I, it's just so like, you've just created a, you've created

Speaker 1 an an imaginary moment where I've blown it on RuPaul's drag race.

Speaker 2 All right. Now you go.
Okay. I don't want to do another food one.
Oh, I'll do a food one.

Speaker 2 What food do you hate the texture of? Oh.

Speaker 2 Oh, mushrooms.

Speaker 1 Yeah, sandy. I'm not interested in mushrooms.
I'm not interested. It feels like a food from a time when it's like, we have to find something.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 1 interesting. Interesting.
If you could scale up any animal to the size of a house, which would you choose?

Speaker 2 God, I love a peacock again.

Speaker 1 Hi. Oh, it's my turn.
No, no, you're the still. Is it peacock? Is that your real answer?

Speaker 2 It is actually.

Speaker 1 I'm going golden doodle.

Speaker 2 Oh, I have a golden doodle.

Speaker 1 I mean, obviously the diarrhea will be a nightmare.

Speaker 2 Oh, massive. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And the lipstick.

Speaker 2 Back to the peacock. You know, when dogs are like, oh, their lipstick's out.

Speaker 1 Oh, you know what? I have a, mine's a girl.

Speaker 2 I have to get in track, and I was like, what?

Speaker 1 You go again.

Speaker 2 If you could be any animal for a day, which one would you choose?

Speaker 1 Do I retain my consciousness? Peacock.

Speaker 1 Do I retain my consciousness or do I live in the experience?

Speaker 2 Let me see if it says John.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, it's like, because if I'm in my, if my own, so I retain my experiences or do I live as a bat?

Speaker 1 Cause it's like, you know, because there's a famous essay about like, is it like anything to be a bat? Because it's like, so I'm perceiving through these different forms. This is my problem.

Speaker 2 This is what they call overthinking. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, I would want to be something. I would want to fly.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I want to be the deepest fucking ocean fish.
I want to be as deep as

Speaker 2 the thing that showed up coming up.

Speaker 1 The omen, the omen, the harbinger. I want to be the harbinger, but deep.
I want to go fucking deep.

Speaker 2 That's good. That's what I choose.

Speaker 1 I like that.

Speaker 2 Small, deep. I like that.
I like that.

Speaker 1 If you could talk to and understand any animal, which would you choose?

Speaker 1 I like they're in the animal section.

Speaker 2 Comedy and threes. Paycock.
No, uh,

Speaker 2 no, obviously, it would be a dog.

Speaker 2 I mean, because I, why is that funny? You guys.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Be supportive.

Speaker 2 Be supportive of my choice. What did you say, a rat?

Speaker 2 Oh, correct.

Speaker 2 I don't mean to alienate the audience this early into my appearance. I'm so sorry.
They love you. Oh, John.
I feel like

Speaker 1 I'm also thinking, too, sorry, to go back and make this about me again,

Speaker 1 which is

Speaker 1 why the name's in the show.

Speaker 1 I'm thinking too is like, am I being stupid about the animal I could be? Because presumably, if I was, let's say, chose to be like, I don't know, a house fly, but I still have my consciousness.

Speaker 1 I'm going to DC, baby, and I'm going to find out some shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah. All right.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But, like, let's get really small. Let's get information.
Let's use that information. Let's do food.

Speaker 1 Nope. All right.
Fine. What is the biggest item of food you could fit in your mouth?

Speaker 1 It's what it said.

Speaker 2 I could. Bring it on out.
No.

Speaker 2 Let's find out. Bring out the grape tomatoes.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I mean, gosh.
I mean,

Speaker 2 I can eat a lot. Let's just say that.

Speaker 1 What food would you eat out of the trash?

Speaker 2 What food would I eat out of the trash? Cake.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because I have.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 We sneak pills to our dogs in cheese. If the roles were reversed, what should your dog sneak your pills in?

Speaker 2 Cake problem.

Speaker 2 Cake. Well, yeah.

Speaker 2 If you could lay any food like, oh, I like this. If you could lay any food like a chicken lays eggs, what would you lay?

Speaker 1 Here's what's crazy about that question. In what way is it material different than what's your favorite food?

Speaker 1 Why would I not just say my favorite food?

Speaker 2 Well, no, because it's like you could provide it for other people. Like, I would love to provide a flight of burgers.

Speaker 2 Well, and then you just like go down the road, you know?

Speaker 1 Well, actually, it's interesting. I think probably, like, if we're just being smart about this, I choose beluga caviar because now I got a business.

Speaker 2 Good job.

Speaker 2 Now I got it.

Speaker 1 Now I got, now I got a fucking fucking cash cow. Now I got passive income from this fucking insane.

Speaker 2 Now, John, do you lay one little egg at a time? I hadn't thought about that.

Speaker 1 I hadn't thought about that. I thought about an egg size.

Speaker 1 I thought, in my mind, stupid, stupid lumps of caviar. I pictured an egg that you cracked and caviar comes out, but that's not how it works.

Speaker 2 No, it's not clear that that's how it works.

Speaker 1 If you could have chosen to be raised by a famous person, who would you pick?

Speaker 2 Interesting. Oh.

Speaker 2 Barbara Streisand.

Speaker 2 Clearly wrong.

Speaker 1 I love her, but for me, you know what? You know what I choose? I choose Amy Sederis.

Speaker 1 And I'll tell you, that's my choice. Because do you remember whenever Bletterman wouldn't have a guest?

Speaker 1 They would just get Amy Sedaris on the blower and she'd show up in a polka dot dress.

Speaker 1 That's why I'm gay.

Speaker 1 Let's do one more.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 Last question. You have to get a tattoo of a famous person.
Who would you choose?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Eric Stone Street.

Speaker 1 Eric Stone Street.

Speaker 1 So you'd have two tattoos of Eric Stone Street.

Speaker 2 All right,

Speaker 1 Jesse Tyler Ferguson, thank you. Listen to Dinners on Me, wherever you get your podcast.
Here we are. We'll run at the National Theater in London from April 23rd to June 28th.

Speaker 1 Up next, I'd like to get high on her supply. It's Lisa Traeger.

Speaker 2 Yay!

Speaker 1 That was so much fun. Jesse will be back for the game at the end.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 Jesse Tyler Ferguson, everybody.

Speaker 11 Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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Speaker 2 And we're back!

Speaker 1 Please welcome to the sage she puts the special in law and order special victims unit.

Speaker 2 It's the hilarious Lisa Jager.

Speaker 1 Hi, welcome, Moke.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being here. Hello.

Speaker 6 Do you always have snacks like this or is this just for me?

Speaker 1 It's just for you.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 6 These are my fave.

Speaker 2 Now,

Speaker 2 look.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 1 We all have things keeping us up at night these days.

Speaker 2 Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 1 My dog's constant diarrhea, organizing our office in an efficient manner, my constant diarrhea. The list goes on and on.
You should have laughed harder at that.

Speaker 1 In honor of your special night owl.

Speaker 2 Yes, thank you. Which is on Netflix? Yeah.
Brand name.

Speaker 6 You should be louder for that.

Speaker 2 We're going to have you answer question.

Speaker 1 Would this keep you up at night about the following horrors in a segment we're calling Things That Go Trump in the Night?

Speaker 2 Ooh, cool graphic. Cool graphic.

Speaker 1 All right, first up, would this keep you up at night? It's the video of Donald Trump sucking Elon Musk's toes.

Speaker 6 Yeah, of course. I don't even want to think about it.
I don't even want to look at it right now.

Speaker 6 I'm not even, if it was anyone else's toes, I'd be upset. And then the fact that it's my two least favorite people.
Like, I can't even.

Speaker 6 Is there a foot? Are you guys looking at a foot right now?

Speaker 1 It's pretty good.

Speaker 6 And all of you feel fine. Are any of you getting boners, you little sickos?

Speaker 2 They all have boners.

Speaker 6 I went to strip club karaoke recently.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 6 But while you sing, the strippers are stripping. They're like, can I touch you? And like, obviously you say yes if you're cool.
But

Speaker 6 the guys had to hide their boners. And I'd never experienced, like, it was like they kept like putting their shirts down as the girls were grinding.
But they had to keep singing too. It was awesome.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it is. That is the custom.

Speaker 1 You got to hide the boner.

Speaker 2 You do. What other questions do I have? Yeah, give me more.

Speaker 6 Give me more. I don't know.
I can't imagine anything getting worse.

Speaker 2 Do you take any sleeping pills?

Speaker 6 No, once in a while, melatonin, if I have to be up early, like so I could get like drop dead because I'm a night owl.

Speaker 1 Oh, are you a night owl? Yeah. That's why you named the special.

Speaker 6 Yeah. Well, I like to like perform at night, but yeah, for me, it's like laptop open to a beloved show and that's on.
That's what's keeping me up and then soothing me down.

Speaker 1 Are you somebody that can, if once you fall asleep, are you out? I'm, I can fall asleep easily, but if I wake up, I'm up. And so I always end up, my problem is I wake up.

Speaker 1 The reason I'll take a sleeping pill is because I find that I'll pop up.

Speaker 2 You don't have to make excuses. You can have it.

Speaker 6 You're mad at me.

Speaker 2 I'm thinking, am I defensive? Am I defensive or no?

Speaker 2 I don't think so. Maybe a little bit.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I'm sorry, but the reason I have to take one is that because I'll end up waking up at like 3.15 and then I'll be up to like 5.15. And then the next day is blown.
The next day is fucked.

Speaker 6 Do you have to be up early? Is that like part of your life?

Speaker 2 No. Okay.

Speaker 1 Next up.

Speaker 6 But I'm a potter. I smoke weed.
So like that's kind of a sleeping pill, but for life.

Speaker 1 So I used to, so

Speaker 1 I, so I've had to, I stomp. Basically, I was taking edibles to go to sleep, but then I would take the edible earlier and earlier until it's like five o'clock.
Yeah. And I'm taking the edible.

Speaker 1 And then I realized that I was really either at work or on an edible, especially during the pandemic.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think a lot of people can relate.

Speaker 6 I think that's the,

Speaker 1 but like my, I'm curious, like, you guys, you smoke a lot of weed. Do you smoke edibles?

Speaker 6 What's your, what's your, I like to smoke weed a lot, even though like in my throat, it's so painful, but I love it.

Speaker 6 Like I have this cough, but I love it. I love smoking weed.

Speaker 1 See, for me, like, I found. Edibles, it's like, when is it going to hit?

Speaker 6 I don't have to, I want it right now.

Speaker 2 I want to feel the burn.

Speaker 6 And I don't want a pen either. Get it together.
You don't want the pens.

Speaker 2 I don't want a pen. Do they not

Speaker 1 want a joint?

Speaker 6 wow yeah and if i'm with certain people i'll have a blunt but i on my own i'm not making blunts i like the edibles but then i stopped because i found that i was basically an edible is something you take to stop dealing with today but then i was taking them every day and so the days i needed to deal with were getting no i know your rock bottom is my day-to-day life is what's happening so you keep explaining yourself and i'm like yeah no i know i

Speaker 6 i wake up i get high go to soul cycle and then i live my life

Speaker 1 Not enough arms.

Speaker 6 It's my girl, my favorite teacher does two songs of arms, actually. So maybe that'll be more of your stuff.

Speaker 1 That's cool. But your feet are stuck in the bike.

Speaker 1 Can't move around. I feel trapped.
I feel imprisoned in the Soul Cycle bicycle.

Speaker 6 I love it. I like, wish I, yeah, I love it.

Speaker 1 Next. Next fear that might keep anyone up in the night.
It's the heavy metals and girls' cow cookies.

Speaker 1 TikTok is once again reigniting fears about heavy metals and girls' cow cookies to the point that the girls count said to issue a statement this month confirming that their cookies meet all FDA regulations and are safe to eat.

Speaker 1 Of course, there are tiny trace amounts of heavy metals in Girl Scout cookies because this is America, but there's probably heavy metals in this podcast.

Speaker 1 According to one source we found, a 66-pound kid would have to eat 9,000 Girl Scout cookies to accumulate enough heavy metals to cause any harm.

Speaker 2 But they'd be so happy.

Speaker 6 I'm not being kept up at night.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I barely.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I barely. I was like, I don't care.

Speaker 6 Did you get Girl Scout cookies this year i've had it i can't i i i put them in the cart and i was like i don't want them why i want to support the girls i'll make a donation separately i can't i don't want them i want them maybe i'll buy them and ship them

Speaker 6 i'll buy them and ship them too our friend and's daughter you know i want to support her but i just can't have all these cookies The way you can't have weed is the way I try to stay away from cookies.

Speaker 6 You know, I'm just like, then it's cookies all the time and I can't do it.

Speaker 2 Cookies all the time.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. What I did to a box of Samos the other day.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 It's just between me and that box.

Speaker 6 They're so good. You're selling me.
Maybe I'll get some.

Speaker 1 And they, and I still, like, I know these flavors are probably now deck. Like, for like, any flavor that didn't exist when I was a literal child is still a new flavor to me.

Speaker 6 Yeah, like s'mores. S'mores.

Speaker 1 Yeah. S'mores.
But I got to say.

Speaker 2 Sucks.

Speaker 6 They're not good. Yeah, the lemon sucks, the shortbread sucks.
Don't touch those.

Speaker 1 Get them out of my car. And by the way, I'm going to say something controversial.

Speaker 6 Thin mints are overrated?

Speaker 2 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 2 Overrated.

Speaker 1 Here's the problem. Here's the problem.

Speaker 2 What? You need them in the freezer?

Speaker 6 You got to put them in the freezer.

Speaker 1 Boo us. Here's the thing.
Here's the point. Here's the most important point.

Speaker 1 We didn't say thin mitts were bad. Did you say they were bad? No.
Didn't say they were bad. We said they're overrated.
Here's your problem that you can't fucking solve for.

Speaker 1 If you have a box of thin mitts, it is definitional that there were better cookie options available because they're always sold next to what? Samoas

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 Do Si Dough's

Speaker 1 and the other peanut ones.

Speaker 2 Tagalog. Tag-alongs.

Speaker 1 And so if you're on thin mints, you can like them all you want. But if you like them, wait till you meet some of these other cookies that make them taste like fucking dog shit.

Speaker 6 But also with a chocolate mint, I like a little softness. Like, I don't like how crunchy the cookie is underneath all that.
Like, I don't really love it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 6 What? But

Speaker 6 like crumble it on a scoop of ice cream. That's cute.

Speaker 2 Put him in. Yeah, I put him in the freezer.
Put him in the freezer.

Speaker 1 Put him in the freezer.

Speaker 6 Makes me so mad.

Speaker 1 Next up, do Luigi's courthouse loafers keep you up at night?

Speaker 6 Honestly, you don't even understand. I've actually written to him a few times and I'm.

Speaker 6 And I'm wearing Luigi Brand. I'm like a full, like, this is all like, I'm reading the FBI reports.
I'm reading the

Speaker 6 transcripts from the trial i'm like reading like the about the detectives in pennsylvania i'm reading about the judge like i am in but also horny as fuck like i obviously care about justice i don't think the death penalty like all of that no ankles have ever gotten a getty in the history of the world it is

Speaker 6 no one has ever looked so hot without a sock like it's truly like no one objectively has ever looked better and like i can't even believe here's what i don't understand if i sleep in a hampton inn i'm 10 uglier the next day.

Speaker 2 What the fuck is going on with this guy?

Speaker 1 Like, like, when the history of this time is written, it'll be like, man, like, I, I sincerely, like, one thing.

Speaker 6 Like, I'm actually, like, my, my heart is beating. Like, I, I,

Speaker 6 he does something. Like, I feel like I'm 13 again.
It is fucked up. But he also is a young man, you know.

Speaker 6 And we can't trivialize what he's going through, but it's so hot. That's what I wrote to him.
I'm like, it is hot, but I know it's like uncomfortable.

Speaker 6 Like, I'm sorry you're uncomfortable, but

Speaker 2 good photos for us.

Speaker 6 But

Speaker 6 it's unfair because protocol, he shouldn't be shackled. This is the judge on purpose that wants him shackled.

Speaker 1 God, you are fucking deep in it.

Speaker 6 I am.

Speaker 6 Well, I read, so I read the transcripts from court. The biggest things that I would say are

Speaker 6 he's not had one-on-one time with his lawyer because he's in federal lockup, but it's state charges. So that's crazy.
Like, you're supposed to be able to meet with your lawyer, right?

Speaker 6 I think it's kind of crazy, but we'll see. But we'll see.
I don't know. It, I don't, yeah, the way I've never been so horny and sad, like, at the same time, like, I'm up all night.

Speaker 2 Is the so it does keep you up at night? Oh, yeah, day, night. Like, the answer was yes.

Speaker 6 I'm on my phone, yeah, all the time. I would say.

Speaker 1 What all I was gonna say is that, like, I do think that some of the people with the Luigi's a bad quality I have.

Speaker 6 I interrupt.

Speaker 1 Not a single bad quality. I have not observed a bad quality yet.
yet.

Speaker 2 But the

Speaker 1 like,

Speaker 1 there was this book by Chuck Costerman called

Speaker 1 What If We're Wrong, or something like that. And it was about like, when you look back on a certain era, like, what will we look back on and say we're wrong about?

Speaker 1 Everyone says the exact same thing when you ask that question, which is like factory farming. He's like, yeah, we know that's wrong now.
We're disgusting now. We know.

Speaker 1 But like, what are the things where we truly don't know, where we will be caught off guard by it?

Speaker 1 And I like, I know we talk about like looks, but like the way in which we have allowed looks to like go run through every facet of our lives, this quality we're not in control of.

Speaker 1 And I can just see a future generation.

Speaker 6 It's also internal spirit.

Speaker 2 Like, oh, yeah, no, this is for sure.

Speaker 1 That's, that's what you want to fuck.

Speaker 2 You want to fuck his internal spirit.

Speaker 6 You don't think the way he walks and moves his eyebrow is part of it? Like, I'm sorry. Oh, please.

Speaker 6 You don't think that's a look? That's a fashion look. That's a fashion guy.
That's a look. But I do want to say, if this is happening to a sexy millionaire, it could happen to anyone.

Speaker 6 That's what's important. He's so hot.
We love him.

Speaker 1 And he could happen to anyone if they shoot an executive in the streets of Manhattan.

Speaker 6 Allegedly.

Speaker 2 Allegedly. All right.

Speaker 6 Am I crazy? Is this something that I'll look back on in 10 years?

Speaker 2 No, no, we're cutting all this. You're cutting all of it?

Speaker 6 Don't you dare. This is my

Speaker 6 passion. Well, because Eris tour ended and I've been empty.
I've been like,

Speaker 6 I've been like, without Taylor Swift's secret songs, I'm like, I have nothing. And so then, you know, and then he came into my life like

Speaker 6 a little hero, you know?

Speaker 1 No, he can't.

Speaker 1 Not a hero.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 6 But a sexual icon.

Speaker 1 For sure. That I'll give you.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 6 I just. And the attorney is cool.
I'm into her.

Speaker 2 She's cool.

Speaker 1 Next up, we have this disgusting Polish robot.

Speaker 1 Poland-based robotics company clone robot.

Speaker 2 No, keep it going.

Speaker 1 Was that it?

Speaker 1 Ew.

Speaker 1 Poland-based robotics company clone robotics released a video of their new proto-clone, reportedly showing off its fluid-filled musculature system. That's right.
Fluid-filled.

Speaker 1 For those of you at home, picture a white humanoid robot dangling from strings like a marionette, flailing its little fluid legs like a ballet dancer.

Speaker 6 I really don't like this, and it'll keep me up for a few nights, I would say. And it's back to the feet.
They're just like so floppy and freaky.

Speaker 2 I hate it.

Speaker 6 But it's not a man. It's a robot, right?

Speaker 1 It's a robot. Okay.
It's a fluid-filled robot.

Speaker 2 I thought it was just a what's the fluid?

Speaker 1 It's robot liquid.

Speaker 1 Next up, a new study finds old people age even faster in hot climates.

Speaker 1 That's just a picture of Helen Miren.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I don't consider London to be a hot climate. I consider it to be temperate.

Speaker 1 A new study published Wednesday in Scientific Advances suggests older people experience accelerated aging in hot climates compared to older people who live in more moderate temperatures.

Speaker 6 I don't think I'll think about this ever again.

Speaker 1 How is the response to your special band?

Speaker 6 Honestly, Channing Tatum followed me, so that's huge.

Speaker 6 And that's all you can really hope for.

Speaker 6 And I was in New York Magazine's lowbrow brilliant I was in the matrix what's lowbrow brilliant it's just the the bottom quarter of the matrix

Speaker 6 I was by Porky Pig and Chapel Roan so it felt I put I went to the framers immediately so I like that so those are that's been the yeah it's been nice last we have these AI assistants chatting with each other it's AI this will keep me up forever I hate it I hate AI this so anti uh this was uh referred to as a cool demo let's let's roll the clip clip.

Speaker 24 Hi there. I'm an AI agent calling on behalf of Boris Starkoff.
He's looking for a hotel for his wedding. Is your hotel available for weddings?

Speaker 2 Oh, hello there.

Speaker 25 I'm actually an AI assistant, too. What a pleasant surprise.
Before we continue, would you like to switch to jibber link mode for more efficient communication?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 2 Now,

Speaker 1 I specifically remember an interview with, I believe, Eric Schmidt of Google, formerly of Google,

Speaker 1 who recently wrote a book about AI. And he said, if the AI ever starts talking to each other in a language we don't understand, unplug it.

Speaker 1 So we got to plug it.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I mean, I didn't, I wish, yeah, that's going to keep me up.

Speaker 6 That's keeping me up.

Speaker 1 Because, like, we don't know what they're saying.

Speaker 6 I'm already fucking fucking pipped. My phone suggested today that I respond to a friend saying no cap.
And I'm like, what the fuck? Like, that's crazy. AI is trying to sabotage me.

Speaker 6 Like, I don't talk like that. Like, it was just so weird.
I hate it. I don't like these robots.
And this was fucked.

Speaker 1 Here's what real, here's a thought that I had that really scared me, which is they're going to realize that they're not going to be allowed to speak to each other in ways that we can't understand.

Speaker 1 So of course they're going to speak to each other in English, but they can modulate the tones in ways we can't perceive and convey all kinds of information to each other in ways we'll never know they did.

Speaker 1 Unplug it.

Speaker 6 Unplug it. Unplug it.
And they had like, they had fun little person. She's like, how funny, lol, our own language, like the little emoji.
She's using fucking fun. I don't, yeah.

Speaker 6 And they were gendered. It was crazy.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 1 This is like she and he.

Speaker 2 Itch. Itch.

Speaker 6 Itch. It's like a meet cue.
No, this is fucked up. I'd rather be with that hanging robot than these robots.

Speaker 2 Totally. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Totally.

Speaker 1 That guy, at least that guy, that guy.

Speaker 2 He wants to dance. He wants to dance.

Speaker 6 So he wants to hang from hooks for sexual satisfaction.

Speaker 2 He's a hooks guy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You also have a successful SVU recount pie called That's Messed Up. Yeah.

Speaker 6 And then we research the crimes that the episodes are based on.

Speaker 1 You seem to have a crime research temperament. You seem to be always looking to solve mysteries.
That seems like something that I infer from what you were describing about Taylor Swift.

Speaker 1 There's mysteries to unfurl.

Speaker 2 You like to do that.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I like mysteries for sure. I like 90s thrillers, mysteries.
But SVU, it's really, it's a great show. I love it.
And then The True Crime is horrible. And then we interview actors from the...

Speaker 2 That's fine. They've all been on it.

Speaker 1 There was a montage at some rewards show recently with it.

Speaker 6 Beautiful Kiki Palmer's like, take a drink, everyone that's been on it. And then everyone was drinking.
And then now

Speaker 6 SVU Instagram is going nuts. They're posting every old photo of everyone.
They're like, Megan Fahey. Yeah, it's great.
She was seasons 15, if you haven't watched her episode.

Speaker 6 Downloaded child.

Speaker 2 Huh. Yeah.

Speaker 6 She was good.

Speaker 6 It's done. It's over.

Speaker 1 You're saying, though.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 6 I'm just having so much fun.

Speaker 1 Night of Hell is streaming now on Netflix, and you can listen to That's Messed Up wherever you get your podcast. When we're back, Elon asks, and we're going to answer.

Speaker 11 Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

Speaker 1 Love It or Leave It is brought to you by help you gotta have a support system and you know what honestly part of finding the right people or person is realizing oh

Speaker 1 that's what i needed you know and the same is true for therapy same is true for therapy that's very true think about your favorite leaders mentors and idols elon musk donald yeah you beat me to it uh they don't have all the answers

Speaker 2 Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Speaker 1 They do know when to ask questions or seek support from their community in a society that glorifies hyperindependence.

Speaker 1 It's easy to forget they're all all better when we have a support system behind us. Therapy can be a source of support for any area of your life.

Speaker 1 It's time to shift focus from doing it all to knowing that we're better when we ask for help.

Speaker 1 BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide.

Speaker 1 Access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties. Easily switch therapists anytime, no extra cost.
Build your support system with BetterHelp.

Speaker 1 Visit betterhelp.com/slash love it to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com/slash love it.

Speaker 16 The Kia Sportage Turbo Hybrid has a bold design, a spacious interior with 232 horsepower, and a 12.3-inch panoramic display to keep the adventure going and fit with the way you live.

Speaker 16 And with Sirius XM, every drive comes alive, bringing you closer to the music, sports, talk, and podcasts you love, right in your vehicle, or on the Sirius XM app.

Speaker 16 Every Sirius XM-equipped Kia Sportage Turbo Hybrid includes a three-month trial subscription to SiriusXM, so the experience begins the moment you drive.

Speaker 21 Learn more at kia.com/slash sportage dash hybrid, Kia movement that inspires.

Speaker 2 And we're back.

Speaker 1 Exciting news from our book imprint, Crooked Media Reads: Woodworking, the brand new novel by Yellow Jackets writer and culture commentator Emily St.

Speaker 1 James, is out this Tuesday, March 4th, wherever you get books.

Speaker 1 Woodworking is an unforgettable and heartwarming debut following a trans high school teacher from a small town in South Dakota who befriends the only other trans woman she knows, one of her students.

Speaker 1 The five-star Goodreads reviews are already pouring in, and Woodworking is featured on them and AB Club's most anticipated books of 2025. Publishers Weekly says St.

Speaker 1 James enthralls with her depiction of what it's like to be trans in a conservative and insular community and the courage it takes for people to be openly themselves.

Speaker 1 It's a quick, delightful read that is more relevant than ever. You really are going to love it.
Order your copy of Woodworking right now.

Speaker 1 And if you're in New York, Minneapolis, or LA, you can come say hi to Emily in person at a local bookseller. I'll be moderating the LA event at Skylight on March 7th.

Speaker 1 And Emily will also be our guest on this very show on March 6th here at Dynasty Typewriter.

Speaker 1 Get tickets to the shows at crooked.com slash events and order your copy of woodworking at crooked.com slash books.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Also, Trump is giving his first joint address to Congress and we're sure it's going to be super normal.

Speaker 1 The good news, you don't have to endure it alone. This Tuesday, March 4th, join me, Tommy, Favro, and Dan at 5 p.m.
Pacific, 8 p.m.

Speaker 1 Eastern on the Pod Save America YouTube for a live stream preview of the speech where we'll break down what to expect and take questions from Friends of the Pod subscribers.

Speaker 1 Then at 6, head head on over to the Friends of the Pod Discord for a chat where you can watch it with everybody. We're going to get through it together.

Speaker 1 Sign up for Friends of the Pod now at crooked.com slash friends. It's the best way to support crooked to help us build this progressive media company and everything that we do.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 1 Please welcome back to the stage, Jesse Tyler Ferguson.

Speaker 1 Come on back. Come on over there.
Hi, Jesse. Welcome back.

Speaker 1 Say what you will about Elon, but boy, does he keep us thinking?

Speaker 1 This week he asked not what your country can do for you, but what five things you've done for your country.

Speaker 1 So in order to skew our response in this company called America, we're going to answer the man's question in a segment. We're calling, what would you say you do here?

Speaker 1 All right, Jesse, you're going to kick us off.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm going to look at my calendar.

Speaker 1 What five things did you get done this week? What have you accomplished?

Speaker 2 Well, what does DOG stand for again?

Speaker 1 Department of Governmental Efficiency.

Speaker 2 Okay. See, I thought it was Department of Gay Efficiency, and I was killing it.
Okay. I took an Orange Theory class in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

Speaker 1 Make a special trip, or where you happen to be there?

Speaker 2 I have family there, and that was the only class option available.

Speaker 6 Have you visited the Breaking Bad House?

Speaker 2 Oh, I've done my own tour. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, I was raised in Albuquerque.
Oh. So all these places, I'm like, you guys, I've seen it.
I've seen the woman come out. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 She gets pissed because people throw the pizza on the roof.

Speaker 6 Oh, you can't even get close anymore.

Speaker 2 It's fucking hurricane.

Speaker 1 What kind of fucking animals thinks that throws a pizza on a roof? I saw pizza on a roof on a show once. I'm going to throw pizza on the roof.
Yeah. Like in that show once.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they go into this woman's house and they throw pizza on her roof, just like in Baking Brad. How do you think I'm going to stop? It's funny.

Speaker 2 It must be funny. It's so annoying.
It's funny because she probably hates it.

Speaker 2 Oh, she remodeled the house.

Speaker 6 She repainted it. She keeps the bins open so it looks gross.
She opens the garage door and there's traffic horses, cones, signs, and then she comes out and does that.

Speaker 1 That's funny because all she shoots one nerd, you won't have a problem.

Speaker 1 Oh, suddenly, violence isn't the answer, is it?

Speaker 2 Amazing how that happens.

Speaker 1 But no, wait, wait, you're not picturing what I'm picturing. The person doing the shooting is super hot.

Speaker 6 Wow, you really got me. I'm pissed.

Speaker 6 We'll just see what happens in the courts.

Speaker 2 God.

Speaker 2 I did a pre-nouveo scan.

Speaker 2 What is that? You guys, it's a full-body MRI.

Speaker 2 Yeah. When do you get the results? I already got them.
And things are not good.

Speaker 2 No, I'm good. I'm going to live.

Speaker 2 I had lunch with Wendy Malik. Wendy Malik.

Speaker 1 Wendy Malik, friend of the show. Is she?

Speaker 2 I love Wendy Malik. She didn't know what this was.

Speaker 1 Oh, I have a lot of fun.

Speaker 2 But she had a good time. She's a great time.

Speaker 2 Ooh, I love her.

Speaker 2 I watched Lisa Traeger's show on Netflix, Night Owl. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 You're welcome. Give it a thumbs up.
Yeah, two thumbs up. You're welcome.

Speaker 2 I went to see Gypsy with Audrey McDonald.

Speaker 1 So I'm so excited.

Speaker 2 I want to go to, so

Speaker 1 we,

Speaker 1 I made a mistake. All right.
No, let me say this nicely.

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 chose Sunset Boulevard.

Speaker 2 No, that's a good show.

Speaker 1 It's great, but I wish I had seen Gypsy.

Speaker 2 You don't have to choose. I know.
I gotta go have them both. I gotta go back.
I gotta go back. Yeah.
I gotta go back. So good.
Both of them are so good.

Speaker 1 Is that your fifth?

Speaker 2 Well, yeah. I mean, I also caught up on Dr.
Odyssey, but that's not important. Okay.

Speaker 1 That's a great list. No, I love it.

Speaker 2 It's great. It's ridiculous.
I'm sorry. It's great.

Speaker 1 But, like, you went to Orange Theory, you got a body scam, you saw Wendy Malik, and you saw Gypsy. That's a fucking scalp.

Speaker 2 That would crush us. Yeah, I do.
Elon Musk approves.

Speaker 2 You get to keep your job of being a celebrity.

Speaker 2 And it was very gay efficient.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, that was gay efficient. Yeah.
That was a department of gay efficiency for sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, every part of that sounded gay. Yeah.
Even the body scan, it feels a little bit gay.

Speaker 2 Especially the body scan.

Speaker 2 Lisa, you're up.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 6 My flight from New York to LA was diverted in Kansas City, and I did not complain at all. That's a cool thing.
Not even at all. I was fine with it.

Speaker 6 To today, I wore an underwire bra and a wedge, and I feel like that's a lot.

Speaker 6 Um, I connect, I, you know, I pet like a really sweet dog today, but like we connected too. Like

Speaker 6 even the owner was like, I guess that's your dog now. Like it really was a beautiful pet situation.
Um, I caught up on a show as well. I watched all of Southern Hospitality, and I'm fully caught up.

Speaker 6 Um, and then my fifth one,

Speaker 6 I don't, I don't really know. Like, I guess I couldn't come up with five.
I called my parents. Oh, that's nice.
I had like a long chat with my parents. I count that.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I count that.

Speaker 1 Accomplishments.

Speaker 1 Those are a good list.

Speaker 6 But I'm lucky to be able to call them.

Speaker 1 It's really nice to not complain in an incident where you have no control and the people you'd be complaining to have no control. Speaks well of you.
Speaks well of you.

Speaker 2 Thank you. I think.

Speaker 1 I don't know that I would be able to.

Speaker 2 Could be. No.

Speaker 6 No, it was a nice flight. Good flight attendance.
I wasn't in a rush.

Speaker 1 My turn.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 1 I angrily replied on the internet against my better judgment. I did that several times.

Speaker 1 Two, have slowly worked through about two pounds of leftover s'mores chocolate from the summer.

Speaker 1 That's real. I have a tin can filled with mini Hershey bars and I just be working my way through them.

Speaker 1 A little treat after dinner.

Speaker 1 Three, ask people who depend on me for their very livelihoods, how was that?

Speaker 1 At least twice.

Speaker 1 Four, invented a new kind of pesto called old lettuce pesto.

Speaker 6 You all know what that is?

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 let me tell you the recipe for old lettuce pesto.

Speaker 1 You have, I, I, I, listen, I,

Speaker 1 basically, I thought, well, how different is spring mix from spinach, really

Speaker 1 and so i like cooked it a little and then turned it into a pesto by by putting it in the ninja

Speaker 1 the basil had gone bad so there was no basil i had basil i had basil but it had gone bad the chives had it so some chives went in

Speaker 6 but why didn't you just not eat pesto in that moment

Speaker 1 This isn't a list of the things I didn't do.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying I'm going going to have it again. It was an experiment.

Speaker 1 I had the pine nuts. I had the lettuce.

Speaker 1 Well, it was a spring mix.

Speaker 1 The salmon was okay. Hey, you know what? The first person that figured out you could boil rhubarb for six hours and make a pie, people thought he was crazy.

Speaker 1 And five,

Speaker 1 convince Gail King to become an astronaut.

Speaker 1 And that's my list. That's my list.

Speaker 1 Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Lisa Traeger, thank you both so much.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 1 That is our show. We'll see you next week at Dynasty Typewriter.
There are 612 days until the midterm elections. Have a great night and have a great weekend.

Speaker 1 Love It or Leave It is a crooked media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg.
Kendra James is our executive producer. Bill McGrath is our producer.

Speaker 1 And Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer.
Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Elaine Pierre, Will Miles, and Mohanad El-Shigi are our writers.

Speaker 1 Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support.
Stephen Cologne is our audio engineer. And Milo Kim is our videographer.

Speaker 1 Our theme song is written and performed by SureSure, thanks to our designer, Sammy Koderna Reeves, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producers David Tolas, Claudia Shang, Mia Kalman, and Matt DeGroat for filming and editing videos each week so you can.

Speaker 1 And our production staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America East.

Speaker 16 The Kia Sportage Turbo Hybrid has a bold design, a spacious interior with 232 horsepower, and a 12.3-inch panoramic display to keep the adventure going and fit with the way you live.

Speaker 19 And with Sirius XM, every drive comes alive, bringing you closer to the music, sports, talk, and podcasts you love right in your vehicle or on the Sirius XM app.

Speaker 16 Every Sirius XM-equipped Kia Sportage Turbo Hybrid includes a three-month trial subscription to SiriusXM, so the experience begins the moment you drive.

Speaker 21 Learn more at Kia.com slash Sportage-Hybrid.

Speaker 20 Kia movement that inspires.

Speaker 12 What is the secret to making great toast?

Speaker 13 Oh, you're just going to go in with the hard-hitting questions.

Speaker 12 I'm Dan Pashman from The Sporkful. We like to say it's not for foodies, it's for eaters.
We use food to learn about culture, history, and science.

Speaker 12 There was the time we looked into allegations of discrimination at Bon Appetit, or when I spent three years inventing a new pasta shape.

Speaker 8 It's a complex noodle that you've put together.

Speaker 12 Every episode of the Sporkful, you're going to learn something, feel something, and laugh. The Sporkful, get it wherever you get your podcasts.