The Trigon of Sadness

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Speaker 10 What's up, Los Angeles?

Speaker 1 Welcome to Love It or Leave It Live from Dynasty Typewriter.

Speaker 1 The White House is celebrating Black History Month and ending diversity programs, which actually makes sense. One way to honor the civil rights movement is by making sure we still need one.

Speaker 1 That went exactly as we discussed.

Speaker 1 Tonight on the show, Tom Green leaves the wilderness to answer all of your wild questions. So start thinking now about what life advice you would want to receive from Tom Green.

Speaker 1 Nori Reed is here to share some gay old news, and then we put on our overalls to wrap it all up with a good old-fashioned spin of the rant wheel. But first, let's get into it.
What a week.

Speaker 1 Just when you thought things couldn't get any better, Elon Musk stopped by CPAC today. That's the conservative conference and simultaneous closeted gay orgy, where

Speaker 1 he gestured wildly with a chainsaw on stage.

Speaker 11 This is the chainsaw for bureaucracy.

Speaker 11 Turnsaw.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's really giving third act of a star is born vibes.

Speaker 1 Anyway, how's everybody doing? Everybody keeping up with their gratitude journals?

Speaker 1 Keeping those New Year's resolutions? Musk had a number of important messages for the attendees.

Speaker 1 Sounds like somebody took the red pill. And then like a hundred other pills.

Speaker 1 Here's Musk ruminating on his favorite topic.

Speaker 12 I am become meme.

Speaker 12 Yeah, pretty much. I'm just I'm living the meme i'm it's like there's living the dream and there's living the meme and it's pretty much what's happening you know

Speaker 1 ah yes i am become meme from the part of the bhagiva gita about me specifically killing myself

Speaker 1 for those listening at home musk is wearing sunglasses indoors during the day that's the international sign for this guy should definitely have backdoor access to all the databases

Speaker 1 i wore sunglasses inside once during a taping of pod save america in in 2017 because I thought I was incredibly hungover, but it turned out I had a rapidly expanding MRSA infection that landed me in a Texas hospital for four days.

Speaker 1 Do you think that's what he has?

Speaker 1 Yeah. True fans of the show remember that.
Does anyone remember that? Betsy, you remember that? Betsy remembers that.

Speaker 1 All in all, a perfect addition to a perfect week as Doge and the Trump administration continued to conduct a sloppy wave of mass firings across the federal government, in some cases backtracking after realizing, whoops, we fired the guy who stops the bombs from going boom.

Speaker 1 So if you're still in line to be fired by a tweaking South African billionaire, stay in line.

Speaker 1 One of the 1,000 Veterans Affairs workers whom Doge kicked to the curb, Luke Greziani, a disabled Army veteran with four kids who worked at the Bronx VA hospital, after serving in the Army for 20 years and deploying on four tours to Iraq and Afghanistan.

Speaker 1 Does Italian count as DEI anymore? asked a sweaty Elon Musk, who was also trying to figure out why a nuclear warhead was beeping.

Speaker 1 And as various aircraft keep touching, which

Speaker 1 they're not supposed to do, hundreds of employees at the FAA have been fired.

Speaker 1 And while those firings didn't include air traffic controllers, they did include people responsible for maintaining critical air traffic infrastructure.

Speaker 1 So when your spirit air flight loses a wing over the Gulf of America, just remember that in the three minutes it will take to plummet to your death, about half of your fellow passengers will be Trump voters who, while having what feels like an eternity to face oblivion, will be smashed by jagged, shattering fuselage, having learned absolutely nothing.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 I'm heading straight to DC to register my concerns about all this. If the weather is favorable and the horses stay true, I shall be there in three to six months.

Speaker 1 Meanwhile, the Department of Energy fired more than 300 employees from the National Nuclear Security Administration, then scrambled to hire them back after members of Congress pointed out that some of them were tasked with overseeing the country's nuclear weapons.

Speaker 1 Also, about to be accidentally fired, several ICBMs.

Speaker 1 On Tuesday, the USEA announced that it had mistakenly fired several employees who were working on the federal bird flu response and was trying to hire them back. Unfortunately, it was too late.

Speaker 1 The employees had already accepted high-paying jobs working for the bird flu lobby.

Speaker 1 Revolving door.

Speaker 1 Thousands of employees across the Department of Health and Human Services were notified of their firing over the weekend in what some have called a Valentine's Day massacre, a little disrespectful to the original Valentine's Day massacre, which was the time I got food poisoning during a romantic post-Korean barbecue hot air balloon ride.

Speaker 1 To be clear, it was my fault. I mixed up the tongs.

Speaker 1 Jim Jones, not that Jim Jones, the FDA top food official, resigned on Tuesday in response to the firing, saying in a letter to the FDA's acting commissioner, it would have been fruitless for me to continue in this role.

Speaker 1 Do you think he consciously made a food pun? Or is he just so passionate about food that he did it without thinking? I think it's the second one, probably.

Speaker 1 Anyway, don't think of it as losing confidence in food safety. Think of it as gaining fun new M ⁇ M flavors like chromium and rat.

Speaker 1 In an interview later on Tuesday, Jones told Stat News that the firing of 89 staff members responsible for food safety had effectively dismantled the division.

Speaker 1 But think of all the TikToks you'll be able to watch on the toilet at the supermarket. Well, you think about how, after you wash your hands, you have to handle the key attached to a checkout divider.

Speaker 1 I want to talk about this.

Speaker 1 You see, the reason we chose supermarket is it's the kind of place where you really only have to use the bathroom if it's an emergency, because home is almost always the next stop because of the perishables.

Speaker 1 So, if you're in there for a loosey-doocy, a lot went wrong,

Speaker 1 America's number one late-night political gay live comedy podcast.

Speaker 14 Man, whatever.

Speaker 1 The White House defended the firings, of course, with Press Secretary Caroline Levitt, no relation, saying in a statement,

Speaker 1 there are a number of bureaucrats who are resistant to the democratic process. Not as resistant as the E.
coli and our spinach is about to be, but resistant nevertheless.

Speaker 1 Continued Levitt, no relation. President Trump is only interested in the best and most qualified people who are also willing to implement his America First agenda on behalf of the American people.

Speaker 1 It's not for everyone, and that's okay. No, no, no.
Pineapple pizza is not for everyone. Pizza topped with hexane and bits of conveyor belt is for no one.

Speaker 14 Look,

Speaker 1 it is easier as a society to make heroes of people than it is of systems. We lift up inventors and soldiers and leaders of all kinds.
We celebrate bravery and we celebrate brilliance.

Speaker 1 It's a style of entertaining and conveying our values instinctive in us, not just older than our complicated interconnected world, but older than writing itself.

Speaker 1 Every one of us has heard of the Wright brothers. We've all heard of Amelia Earhart because we love stories of women getting what they deserve.

Speaker 1 But we don't learn about the committees that crafted the laws that created the FAA and the National Transportation Safety Board. Flight was never the miracle.
Bats and birds and bugs can fly.

Speaker 1 Flying safely was the miracle. And that was about invention and genius and courage for sure, plus pissing in your pants, which was a big part of it early on.

Speaker 1 But it was also about meticulous, deliberate, complex systems of inspections, redundancies, tests, training, processes, fail-safes, and investigations that made flying so safe we take it for granted.

Speaker 1 We haven't been constantly worried about planes falling out of the sky or food that's labeled allergy-safe, safe, sending kids into anaphylaxis because they're little weaklings.

Speaker 1 And Democrats are so bad at reaching people who need to be reached and lacking the credibility to persuade anybody once we do that no one takes it seriously when we talk about how bad it could get.

Speaker 1 We tried explaining why cigarettes cause cancer, but you still thought it was cool.

Speaker 1 So now you're going to have to smoke a whole carton of cigarettes while also eating room temperature scallops at a seafood buffet with tape marks on the window where the health inspector rating used to be.

Speaker 1 Meanwhile, Doge has been trying to access a highly restricted IRS system that contains sensitive data about every taxpayer, business, and nonprofit in the United States.

Speaker 1 And all right, I'm just going to get ahead of this. That bouncy castle was a legitimate business expense, and I stand by that.

Speaker 1 I needed it for work.

Speaker 1 The top official at the Social Security Administration also resigned over the weekend after refusing to grant access to sensitive data, which includes the medical information of Americans who have applied for disability benefits.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm just going to get ahead of this. I really did have dyslexia, but I overcame it by being really, really smart.

Speaker 1 Gonna get a lot of misspelled angry comments on that one.

Speaker 1 An engineer at the General Services Administration has resigned in protest after a Musk ally demanded access to Notify.gov, a system used to send mass texts to all Americans. Just a heads up.

Speaker 1 If Elon Musk starts texting us, I'm going off the grid. If you want to hear this show, you can find me at 7.30 p.m.
on Thursdays in the San Gabriel Mountains. Where? Who knows? Good luck.

Speaker 1 Just follow the laughter.

Speaker 1 The sounds of laughter.

Speaker 1 Sometimes it's lighter than you want.

Speaker 1 That's not your fault. That's their fault.

Speaker 1 Then on Thursday, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth instructed the Pentagon to cut their budget by $50 billion next year or 8%.

Speaker 1 What are they cutting? Come on, landmines and planes that can't fly in the rain.

Speaker 1 Nope, it's anything related to climate change, DEI, and other quote, woke programs.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Senator Tommy Tuberville was enthusiastic about the plan, saying, and this is a direct quote:

Speaker 1 I wouldn't be against them taking it from a Pentagon to a Trigon,

Speaker 1 cut a couple sides off of it.

Speaker 1 Ken, I'll take things Osama bin Laden said in August 2001 for 800, please.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't be against them taking it from a Pentagon to a Trigon.

Speaker 1 A Trigon. Only word for it.

Speaker 1 Only word for it is Trigon.

Speaker 1 And I'll say it again: if you are losing to the dumbest motherfuckers on Earth, maybe they're not the dumbest motherfuckers on Earth. Maybe they're the second dumbest.

Speaker 1 Trigon, I'm gonna try to kill myself.

Speaker 1 Fucking Trigon, are you kidding me?

Speaker 1 Republicans are reportedly alarmed by cuts to agencies, even conservatives deem too essential to sacrifice, like the FAA and the National Oceanic Atmospheric Administration, or NOAA.

Speaker 1 It's all fun and games until you remember that you have to fly back to your home district through the atmosphere.

Speaker 1 Said Senator Lisa Murkowski, we all want efficiencies. There is a way to do it.
And the way these people have been treated has been awful in many cases. Awful.

Speaker 1 Referring to the firing of a thousand National Forest Service workers. Only who can prevent forest fires? Not those guys anymore, that's for sure.

Speaker 1 Now, let's see what the vice president, George Deeler Vance, had to say about all this.

Speaker 17 What is the essence of masculinity? You could answer this in so many different ways, but when I think about me and my guy friends, we really like to tell jokes to one another.

Speaker 1 Somebody get these guys into a podcast studio.

Speaker 1 Now lock the doors from the outside.

Speaker 1 What is the essence of masculinity, JD? Tell us, what is it, this essence of masculinity, what you and your guy friends get up to? It's the essence. As all masculine men toss,

Speaker 1 they're constantly thinking about the essence of their masculinity, where it is released, where it is best experienced. Hey, straight guys, where do you manifest your masculinity best, you find?

Speaker 1 Where is its essence?

Speaker 1 Fucking fag. Despite.

Speaker 1 Jesus.

Speaker 8 No, go on.

Speaker 1 Tell me more about masculinity, you cum guzzling freak. No, I'm just gonna.

Speaker 1 Does it come from this side or this side?

Speaker 1 The essence of masculinity.

Speaker 5 Oh, I think there's a little...

Speaker 1 There's a little essence of masculinity in your fucking chin.

Speaker 13 Unbelievable.

Speaker 1 But despite criticism from Republicans and declining approval ratings, the Trump White House is forging ahead, announcing an executive order creating the Make America Healthy Again Commission, chaired by Health and Human Services Secretary and human pepper grinder RFK Jr.

Speaker 1 The order includes a promise to assess the prevalence and threat of drugs like Ozempic and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors or SSRIs.

Speaker 1 If you think planes falling out of the sky is bad, wait till you see what happens when you take away SSRIs from Gen Z.

Speaker 1 Removing Lexapro prescriptions is like step one on the New York Times cooking app recipe for making perfectly al dente Luigis.

Speaker 8 Speak, all right, this is what you want. You want to be a little vulgar, a little darker.

Speaker 1 I got it.

Speaker 1 We were too sweet at the beginning. All right.

Speaker 7 All right.

Speaker 10 I'll follow.

Speaker 1 Speaking of needing health and human services, Mitch McConnell announced his retirement on Thursday,

Speaker 1 which was also his 83rd birthday. He said he plans to spend more time falling down the stairs with his family.

Speaker 7 Wow.

Speaker 1 It says here he just took a big job with the gravity lobby after all their fights.

Speaker 1 Revolving door.

Speaker 1 McConnell served seven terms in the Capitol and one outside while it was being built, telling you this guy's old.

Speaker 1 How old is he? McConnell went to the beach from the movie Old That Makes You Old and said, I remember when this beach was segregated.

Speaker 1 McConnell gave his farewell address from the Senate floor, though it had started at the podium.

Speaker 1 And we do have a clip. We do have a clip.

Speaker 1 It's a turtle falling down the stairs. For those at home, it was a turtle falling down the stairs.

Speaker 1 Meanwhile, New York City Mayor Eric Adams defended himself this week against accusations that he offered to help Trump's anti-immigration efforts in exchange for the Justice Department dropping corruption charges against him, saying of the allegation, that is what you're seeing right there, right now, a modern-day Mein Kampf.

Speaker 18 What?

Speaker 1 What are you saying, friend?

Speaker 1 Who were you in this analogy?

Speaker 1 In fairness, I do the same thing. Whenever I'm reading a book, I constantly find myself seeing connections to it in the world.

Speaker 1 Like just last week, I was like, this sandwich is a modern-day Unibombers manifesto.

Speaker 1 Speaking of armies marching across Europe, Trump has decided he's headed up to here with Ukraine, here being the new border between Poland and Russia.

Speaker 1 They don't actually have a border yet. You get it?

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 It all began when Vlodymir Zelensky criticized the United States for meeting with Russia without inviting Ukraine officials to talk about ending the war. Look, we've all been there.

Speaker 1 You open your Instagram, Russia and the United States are out at drinks together, even though you asked the United States if they wanted to go out earlier and they're like, I'm tired, long week.

Speaker 1 And you're like, what the hell? And they're like, it came together at the last minute.

Speaker 1 And they're like, maybe if you weren't so quick to be a fucking butthurt asshole We'd invite you more and then it's like oh now I need to stop being upset to be noticed better bring my a game or no more poker nights for me

Speaker 1 What are we talking about

Speaker 1 Trump then escalated his rhetoric posting on True Social think of it a modestly successful comedian Vladimir Zelensky talked the United States of America into spending $350 billion to go into a war that couldn't be won that never had to start But a war that he without the U.S.

Speaker 1 and Trump will never be able to settle a dictator without elections, Zelensky better move fast, or he's not going to have a country left. First of all, Zelensky isn't a modestly successful comedian.

Speaker 1 I am a modestly successful comedian. Zelensky was on television.

Speaker 1 Of course, it's absurd to ask why you haven't had elections while your country is in the middle of fighting an unprovoked invasion and half the population has fled.

Speaker 1 They haven't had student council elections at Palisades High either. But that doesn't make outgoing senior Claudia Shang a tyrant.

Speaker 1 Mike Pence criticized Trump for claiming Ukraine started the conflict with Russia, which began when Russia invaded the country in February of 2022.

Speaker 1 But he then hustled back down to his milk cellar to continue hiding from pardoned insurrectionists.

Speaker 1 The vast majority of Republicans, including Republicans who once spoke out about the importance of supporting allies in the fight against Putin, stayed silent or offered the barest of criticisms.

Speaker 1 All these fucking Republicans who have been reading Churchill biographies and World War II histories through every vacation of their entire lives, can't see that they are in the midst of their moment in history and are failing completely.

Speaker 1 But I will remember until I eat a runny yolk and die.

Speaker 1 And finally, employees at a New Hampshire grocery store discovered a venomous Ecuadorian snake in a shipment of bananas last week.

Speaker 1 Things went from bad to worse when the snake offered a banana to one of the female employees and her single bite of it made all the other workers realize that they were naked and imbued with sin from the moment they're born.

Speaker 1 A New Hampshire fish and game official told reporters, we're lucky enough that one of the workers at Market Basket was familiar with reptiles. And ladies, he's single, which he blames you for.

Speaker 1 Up next,

Speaker 1 he's a lean, mean, pranky machine. It's Tom Green.

Speaker 20 Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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Speaker 1 Please welcome to the stage. His bum will be on the chair shortly.
It's the one and only Tom Green.

Speaker 1 Hi, thank you for being here. What's the dog's name?

Speaker 3 This is Charlie, everybody. Say hi to Charlie.

Speaker 23 Charlie.

Speaker 1 Come on over here. Tom Green.

Speaker 3 How are you? Hey, John, thanks for having me on the stage. Thanks for being here.
This is Charlie.

Speaker 15 Charlie's my dog.

Speaker 8 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Comes with you everywhere?

Speaker 24 Yeah, I've been traveling around touring with my dog. Things are going real good for me.

Speaker 1 That's so fun. You get to travel with your dog.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 25 Yeah, she comes on stage with me at my stand-up shows. This is not her first time on stage.

Speaker 28 She's one of the most seasoned stand-up comedy dogs in the business today.

Speaker 1 Especially after that dog from Frasier died.

Speaker 5 Yeah, well,

Speaker 5 thanks for bringing the mood down.

Speaker 30 No, everyone hated that dog.

Speaker 5 Okay, yeah, fuck that dog.

Speaker 8 So, hi.

Speaker 24 Thanks for being here. Great to be here.

Speaker 5 Great to be here.

Speaker 1 So, you're the star of a new comedy special called Tom Green, I Got a Mule. Yep.
What is a mule?

Speaker 31 A mule is a half horse, half donkey.

Speaker 24 It's a hybrid animal.

Speaker 34 So you take a horse and a donkey and you make them breed two different species breed.

Speaker 6 It's perverted.

Speaker 1 And can I ask the question, does it matter which direction? In other words, does it matter if it's a

Speaker 1 because if it's a tiger and a lion, you end up with a lion and a liger and a

Speaker 1 ligery.

Speaker 35 It's generally a male donkey and a female horse.

Speaker 1 Right, because a horse would be too big and the donkey would explode.

Speaker 5 It's just more that it's just, no, it's more that a donkey is willing to procreate with another species, but a horse doesn't really want to do that. It's still too weird for a horse.

Speaker 36 Right, right, right.

Speaker 1 The horse is a little bit pickier. Yeah.
That tracks with their kind of energies and cartoons.

Speaker 34 They're extremely smart.

Speaker 5 Really?

Speaker 37 People say stubborn as a mule, but they're actually extremely intelligent animals.

Speaker 38 The hybrid aspect kind of creates a smarter animal.

Speaker 1 What is a project where you would say, I don't want a donkey or a horse, I need a mule?

Speaker 27 So

Speaker 3 I lived in Los Angeles.

Speaker 10 I'm from Canada.

Speaker 25 I lived in Los Angeles for 20 years, four years ago during the worldwide global pandemic.

Speaker 40 Sure, remember it.

Speaker 41 I moved back to Canada and I got a farm.

Speaker 28 And

Speaker 28 there was a couple of old barns on the property, and I thought it would be kind of fun to get

Speaker 40 an animal to ride around on.

Speaker 32 And I thought a mule would seem kind of funny.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's funny. It's a funny animal because

Speaker 1 it can't reproduce.

Speaker 31 And it just seemed like it would, but it seemed like I would look funny too, you know?

Speaker 33 Right.

Speaker 31 But then the mule I found is a beautiful mule. She doesn't look funny at all.

Speaker 38 She's very majestic. Fanny is her name.

Speaker 5 Oh, that's a nice.

Speaker 1 That was my great-grandmother's name.

Speaker 5 Yeah, well. She was deaf.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 5 Okay, cool. Yeah, interesting.

Speaker 24 I mean, it's um she was.

Speaker 1 She met her husband was deaf too, but I never met him. He died before I was born.

Speaker 15 Yeah, well, yeah, I don't think it's any really any relation to your grandmother at all.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she was, well, she was from the old country.

Speaker 5 Okay, absolutely.

Speaker 14 Well, but more back to your mule.

Speaker 22 Did you ever ride her around in the wilderness?

Speaker 1 No, she was so frail. But she taught me sign language.
Okay. And she would let me ring the doorbell that lit up the whole apartment.

Speaker 39 Oh, that's so nice.

Speaker 35 Your grandma sounds nice.

Speaker 1 What was your is Fanny's, your mule, Fanny, still alive?

Speaker 2 Fanny, I just got her. I just got her.

Speaker 30 I just got her like

Speaker 30 a year and a half ago.

Speaker 10 Oh, wow.

Speaker 31 Mules live to be up to like sometimes 40 years old.

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 23 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 5 So she'll be alive longer than you, probably.

Speaker 1 Wow, okay. I mean, I'm pretty healthy.

Speaker 5 Yeah, she'll outlive me. Okay, she'll outlive me.

Speaker 32 She'll be around another 40 years. Wow.

Speaker 5 You think you got another 40 years?

Speaker 1 Fanny will dance on my grave. I definitely.

Speaker 2 It's very possible, yeah.

Speaker 15 She'll definitely, like, I have a donkey as well.

Speaker 27 They live to be 50 sometimes, so she's only three, so

Speaker 44 they'll definitely outlive me.

Speaker 15 But I'll find them a good place.

Speaker 27 It's a beautiful thing, man.

Speaker 33 I love it.

Speaker 44 I love being back home in Canada.

Speaker 33 We ride around in the wilderness

Speaker 29 every day, Fanny and I.

Speaker 24 And Charlie runs along with us, don't you, Charlie?

Speaker 33 Don't we have so much fun?

Speaker 39 We have chickens, and with the price of eggs right now, it's going to be pretty good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's

Speaker 1 yeah, because the well, yeah, because

Speaker 43 I get like a dozen eggs a day out there.

Speaker 35 Holy shit,

Speaker 1 that's a golden goose, but a chicken with eggs, real eggs.

Speaker 5 Absolutely, it's a good time for that.

Speaker 1 Hey, do you think that the young you would think this version of you tracks?

Speaker 3 Possible, possible.

Speaker 38 I mean, I've always liked the outdoors and,

Speaker 38 you know, going out and fishing and nature and things like that.

Speaker 2 So it's possible. Yeah, it is.

Speaker 15 I never imagined myself having a mule.

Speaker 37 Right. But I'm enjoying it a lot, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But you had no horse.

Speaker 39 Well, I do have a horse as well, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, you do? So you have a horse, a donkey, and a mule.

Speaker 37 A horse, a donkey, and a mule, and a baby horse.

Speaker 27 horse huh and six chickens and six guinea hens but it's a it's a good thing I love it and and so we filmed this new television show there for Prime Video everybody tune in to check it out on Amazon Prime it's about me trying to figure out how to ride a mule

Speaker 10 you know for the first six months

Speaker 25 she would not turn left for the first six months stubborn so we would just go out for a spin but

Speaker 34 But because they're stubborn, well, it's because they're very smart, so they kind of figure you out.

Speaker 37 They read your energy. And she determined that I had no idea what I was doing.

Speaker 15 And that, I think, made her not trust, you know, my decisions to want to ride off this way or whatever.

Speaker 38 So she was kind of hesitant.

Speaker 24 But as we've grown to know each other more

Speaker 43 and she's built a trust with me, then things are going pretty good.

Speaker 36 That's nice.

Speaker 1 What is the difference?

Speaker 41 You don't give a fuck. No, I'm interested.

Speaker 3 Well, I'm thinking more about.

Speaker 1 No, I do. I'm interested in this.
Well, I'm interested in the qualities that make a mule different than a donkey, and a donkey different than a mule different than a horse.

Speaker 1 What did you, why not ride the donkey?

Speaker 10 Well,

Speaker 3 the donkey's too small. Really?

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 5 What about a burro? What's that?

Speaker 34 That is a donkey in Spanish.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 25 It's a Spanish word for donkey.

Speaker 7 And

Speaker 4 as we all know.

Speaker 28 Well, you know, when you get a donkey and a mule, you start to get into it, and I've learned a few things about it.

Speaker 46 Like Spanish for me.

Speaker 24 A donkey has 63 chromosomes.

Speaker 1 63?

Speaker 3 A horse has 64.

Speaker 46 And

Speaker 26 no, sorry, a mule has 63, a donkey has 62, and a horse has 64.

Speaker 24 So when they become the hybrid, you know, you need to have an even number of chromosomes to reproduce, right?

Speaker 5 Did you know that?

Speaker 33 Yeah. Yeah, so

Speaker 44 when they have the two species, they have this sort of odd number of chromosomes, and therefore they aren't able to reproduce.

Speaker 2 That's why.

Speaker 43 So that's the difference between a donkey, horse, and a mule.

Speaker 23 I wonder what. The chromosome count.
Yeah.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 40 I didn't count them myself, but I did read about it.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, you read about it. It's hard to count.
They're so small.

Speaker 1 We covered adapting to life as a farmer.

Speaker 1 I wanted to ask you about how you feel now.

Speaker 31 The coyotes killed my chickens. What?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 47 What? Yeah. I'm not a good farmer.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, don't blame yourself. Don't blame the victim.

Speaker 3 The coyotes killed my chickens.

Speaker 1 The little fucking sociopaths. This show is very ancient.

Speaker 3 Until

Speaker 32 they killed all of them but Loretta.

Speaker 33 Loretta was the lone survivor.

Speaker 30 It was Shania, Patsy, Dolly, Loretta, June, and Anne.

Speaker 15 And I love them very much. Loved them, I guess.

Speaker 39 Loved them.

Speaker 15 They're all dead now.

Speaker 35 Loretta's dead now, too.

Speaker 15 Yeah, I'm not a good farmer.

Speaker 26 I got two extra chickens to kind of keep Loretta company, and they pecked her to death.

Speaker 10 What?

Speaker 37 Yeah, I didn't know they did that, but

Speaker 40 I'm not a good farmer.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry about the coyotes.

Speaker 15 I renamed them Manson and Bundy, the two nameless, the nameless chickens.

Speaker 24 And then I was so mad because I love Loretta so much I couldn't even really stand looking at them, so I just left the coop door open and they're dead now too.

Speaker 20 Wow.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 The coyotes.

Speaker 1 You sort of worked with the coyotes then, it sounds more like you kind of let it happen.

Speaker 36 In the second case, yeah, it was just, but not in the initial case.

Speaker 24 It was a

Speaker 37 unpredictable

Speaker 38 attack.

Speaker 1 Right, they're smart, the the coyotes.

Speaker 2 They are, they are actually smart.

Speaker 40 Yeah, they really are. They are.

Speaker 37 They were able to determine that I was not home.

Speaker 2 That's when they saw the car, they saw the truck leave, and they came in when

Speaker 37 I wasn't there. And

Speaker 38 it was carnage for sure.

Speaker 36 Surprise. Bad situation.

Speaker 37 But I'm not trying to bring the mood down with all the dead animal stuff.

Speaker 1 I mean, these people eat chicken.

Speaker 13 Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1 So it's like they can pretend to be sad, but I'm surprised they do.

Speaker 5 Are you vegan?

Speaker 15 No, no, no, I'm not, but I figured here everybody was.

Speaker 1 Yeah, based on their attitude.

Speaker 1 I want to ask you about how you feel now about this incredible Ebert and Roper review of Freddie Got Fingered.

Speaker 22 Oh, yeah, Ebert and Roper, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you remember this?

Speaker 24 Even the sort of the pinch-hitter guy still,

Speaker 2 he hated it too.

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Roper, there was Ebert and Siskel.

Speaker 1 Sisco, then Sisco.

Speaker 23 Sisco died.

Speaker 37 They brought in another guy, and he hated it too.

Speaker 48 Freddie Got Fingered with Tom Green making David Spade look like Jim Carrey and Jim Carrey look like Lawrence Olivier. Wow.

Speaker 48 The vomitorium of a movie starring Green as Gord, an obnoxious retard who makes it his life's work to freak out his dad, played with teeth gnashing scorn by Rip Torn.

Speaker 3 That's nice. Honestly.

Speaker 30 I love all the things in my 30-year career that you could have played.

Speaker 30 It was the worst review I ever got.

Speaker 1 Heck, does that bother you?

Speaker 38 No, no, I'm just thinking it's kind of interesting.

Speaker 1 We thought it was funny.

Speaker 47 Yeah, no, it is funny for sure.

Speaker 15 If you're not me. Oh.

Speaker 1 But I But I think.

Speaker 31 No, no, no.

Speaker 24 It's fun because now, you know, Freddie Got Fingered was just inducted into the Criterion Collection.

Speaker 15 Thank you very much. Was it really?

Speaker 2 Yes, it was, absolutely.

Speaker 1 Well, I just think that there was a certain...

Speaker 35 I'm not making that up.

Speaker 24 I know it sounds like I probably am.

Speaker 1 There was a certain kind of...

Speaker 1 stick up their nose to a certain, like, of like the critics to a certain kind of comedy that we're all now nostalgic for. That's why we wanted to play it.
Yeah, no. Because I think that you've...

Speaker 14 I'm just kidding. I know you are.

Speaker 1 know i understand it's funny i feel like you're not a guy that takes himself too seriously no no no that hasn't been your vibe no no i didn't cry for weeks after that review

Speaker 1 did did roll

Speaker 42 no no did the siskell understudy roper make you cry uh well no it was just no it was it was it wasn't a fun experience though getting uh that kind of uh feedback because because because you know you work hard on a film and you know a film and i i wrote that and directed it and spent several years working on it then these these assholes come out and shit all over it so uh you next at the orgy that's the old saying about critics yeah yeah but it's okay you know the thing is is it's okay it's it's kind of it's kind of was supposed to be a polarizing movie did anybody see it of course see yeah see like 11 people

Speaker 38 so these are millennials they they're they're they wouldn't be still around still got an audience out there no it's funny it's amazing actually in the last 15 years or so since uh you know came out 20 plus years ago but uh the last 10 years or so it's become something that people actually come up to me and say that they actually liked it.

Speaker 36 Huh. That was pretty good.

Speaker 1 I watched you in a Canadian show where you have to not laugh.

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah. And you're a killer on that show.
LOL Canada.

Speaker 3 Yeah, lots of fun.

Speaker 31 Also on Prime Video, check that out.

Speaker 1 It's actually, so it's a show where a bunch of really funny people have to try to make each other laugh, but if you laugh, you get kicked out of the room.

Speaker 1 And you're just a monster on that show.

Speaker 33 Thank you. Thank you.
It was fun.

Speaker 1 It was fun. You just can't be stopped.
And you're so, you have that kind of thing where you're always funny.

Speaker 1 Always, even right now. It's right now.
That's magical.

Speaker 18 What a cool thing.

Speaker 1 And now you get to live with a mule.

Speaker 5 Yeah. No, it's amazing.

Speaker 15 It was a fun show.

Speaker 24 That show kind of led to me doing these three shows on Prime that I directed all three of the shows.

Speaker 38 And the last thing I directed was Freddy Got Fingered, so you know, these new shows are going to be good.

Speaker 1 How many horse penises are in these shows?

Speaker 6 More than zero, I bet.

Speaker 15 All the animals are female now.

Speaker 9 Oh, that's too bad.

Speaker 27 But we can get some penis in there for next season.

Speaker 14 Wow, thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Now I'm excited.
Now I'm excited for season two.

Speaker 24 Absolutely.

Speaker 42 You can't

Speaker 38 leave something somewhere to go.

Speaker 36 Right, to the horse penis.

Speaker 37 Yeah, we have somewhere to expand to.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 38 Horse cock for season two for John.

Speaker 36 Season two.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you know what that sound means?

Speaker 1 You've been this famous comedian, wild-eyed comedian, and now you're this a farmer

Speaker 1 and all that goes along with that. Yeah, yeah.
And so we want to see what people have advice that they want to solicit from either version.

Speaker 8 Absolutely, yeah. From either version.
No problem.

Speaker 38 I'm happy to take questions from the audience here.

Speaker 1 So we welcome questions, and you could seek advice. Maybe it's from the MTV chaos era pure id Tom Green or the older, wiser,

Speaker 1 more relaxed, kind of mule-centric Tom Green you see before you today.

Speaker 23 Absolutely, yeah.

Speaker 1 Raise your hand. And Bill is out there.
Take a couple questions. Hi, what's your name? Amari.

Speaker 10 Amari?

Speaker 1 Amari. Amari.

Speaker 18 A-M-A-R-I. A-M-A-R-I.
Yeah.

Speaker 10 If you could pick one one food from your farm to hoard for the apocalypse, what would it be?

Speaker 5 One food from the farm.

Speaker 10 That's a good question. One food? A food from the farm?

Speaker 14 To hoard?

Speaker 3 Well, I'm growing radishes

Speaker 2 and peaches.

Speaker 41 But one food from the farm, probably the mule.

Speaker 41 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, probably the mule.

Speaker 37 I just figured it'd be funnier to say I'd eat the mule than the radishes, right?

Speaker 1 Would you ever eat the mule?

Speaker 24 I would never eat the mule, unless it really came to it.

Speaker 5 So then the answer is yes. You'd probably eat the donkey first.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying would you eat the mule?

Speaker 30 I ride the mule, so she's sort of a,

Speaker 25 she does provide a good service for me.

Speaker 24 I'd probably eat the donkey first and then maybe work my way through Charlie.

Speaker 37 No, no, we wouldn't do that.

Speaker 5 I'm just kidding.

Speaker 46 Just kidding.

Speaker 24 Just joking. I would never

Speaker 44 eat the dog.

Speaker 22 Charlie would eat me. We would do that.

Speaker 33 Charlie eat me. No, anyways, what a weird question you would ask.

Speaker 3 Anyways,

Speaker 22 Come on, Amari. Come on, Amari.

Speaker 31 We're talking about animals and all this. Which animal would you eat first, you know?

Speaker 25 I can't believe you would ask me which animal I would eat first.

Speaker 33 I mean, they're not food, they're pets.

Speaker 41 I love them.

Speaker 43 No, no, I know. That's not the question you asked.
I'm just joking.

Speaker 41 I'm just spinning it.

Speaker 1 What a weird question, Amari.

Speaker 7 I don't really, I don't grow a lot of fruit, but I do have fruit trees on the property.

Speaker 5 There is something nice to answer your question, seriously.

Speaker 31 There's something

Speaker 26 I don't say it was the only reason I moved out to the country, but you know, you can actually self

Speaker 15 rely on yourself out there and grow food, and there's lots of fruit trees, and I have a garden, and

Speaker 45 there's, you know,

Speaker 44 if you needed to, you could survive quite nicely out there without groceries for probably indefinitely.

Speaker 43 Water comes out of the well in the ground, and there's something

Speaker 26 kind of,

Speaker 38 I don't know, it does feel actually kind of comforting in this. day and age in these unpredictable times.
So, yeah.

Speaker 1 That is nice. When I started to think that a pandemic might be coming in February, I did buy a lot of canned tuna.
Yeah, oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I didn't know what, I guess, I didn't, I guess I thought that things could get really bad, and I would like tuna more than I used to.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 18 It's just because it was a nice

Speaker 10 protein.

Speaker 35 Right.

Speaker 37 A meat that was in a can that would be, yeah, yeah, I did that too.

Speaker 31 I stocked.

Speaker 43 So that's kind of how I ended up moving back to Canada was I was here in L.A.

Speaker 40 and I got...

Speaker 26 started getting all the canned stuff and beans and non-perishable items.

Speaker 42 And I'd order my groceries on Instacart and I'd spray them down with Clorox bleach on the front lawn.

Speaker 25 And then I'd stream that on Instagram so my fans and followers would be safe.

Speaker 12 It's always about content.

Speaker 37 And then I'd read the comments and they'd say, you stupid Hollywood piece of garbage, go back to Canada, bitch.

Speaker 27 And so I did.

Speaker 2 I went back to Canada.

Speaker 20 Wow.

Speaker 1 Maybe they were just saying more kind of a fun gay way, like, bitch, go back to Canada. Yeah, maybe.

Speaker 6 You know?

Speaker 1 Maybe they were being playful.

Speaker 5 That's what I would say.

Speaker 35 It could have been being playful for you.

Speaker 5 Bitch, go back to Canada.

Speaker 1 This person had a question.

Speaker 9 Hello there.

Speaker 13 Hi.

Speaker 49 Actually, honestly, followed you for the last probably 25 years. My oldest brother's a big fan of the Tom Green show.
My roommate's a huge fan.

Speaker 49 Honestly, Freddy Got Fingered is one of the funniest movies ever.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much. It's absolutely hilarious.
Thank you. Appreciate it.

Speaker 39 If you were ever given the chance to do like a sequel, soft reboot, whatever, what would you want to do?

Speaker 27 Freddy Got Fisted.

Speaker 1 Wow, that's you really raised the stakes in a sequel.

Speaker 1 Like how Speed 2 was on a boat.

Speaker 4 You know, because you can't get off.

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 33 Well, you can, and Freddy got fisted.

Speaker 4 You could get.

Speaker 1 Nice.

Speaker 47 What is the

Speaker 47 time you can get off?

Speaker 1 Okay. What is the movie? What is the movie where you're kind of the narrator from the dorm?

Speaker 8 Road trip. Road trip.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 The way you stole that movie and it was like, there's this kind of vaguely normal romp going around and then you're out of your fucking mind yeah yeah none of that had it couldn't have been written down yeah you were just doing things in a room with a cage I don't think I was supposed to put the mouse in my mouth right yeah that was that was not in the script but uh but there was a scene where I had to feed a mouse to a snake and it just sort of it crawled into it into my mouth on its own so

Speaker 37 because I was kind of dangling it and then it kind of crawled into my mouth and so I just figured well let's just go with it you know we're improvising but yes and rat

Speaker 31 But that was Todd Phillips directed that movie.

Speaker 37 He went over to do the hangover and Joker and all these great movies, old school.

Speaker 27 So that was his first movie, and it was an exciting time.

Speaker 36 So, yeah.

Speaker 13 I like that.

Speaker 36 Absolutely.

Speaker 1 Anyone else want to talk?

Speaker 50 I don't think this is what you're really going for, but I'm genuinely curious: how did Loretta survive the initial slaughter?

Speaker 51 And then,

Speaker 5 and the second part, honestly, good question.

Speaker 33 It's interesting.

Speaker 27 She was antisocial.

Speaker 14 So

Speaker 31 the chickens would free-range, and they would usually all stick together.

Speaker 24 But Loretta was kind of an outlier.

Speaker 32 She would go off on her own a lot, and I think that's what saved her.

Speaker 24 I think the coyotes came in.

Speaker 34 They got all five of them, and she was over here on a fence post or something.

Speaker 31 And so it just kind of, next time you get invited to that party, you don't want to go to.

Speaker 38 Just

Speaker 39 do what Loretta did, and just

Speaker 34 stay on your own.

Speaker 38 But yeah, she was generally kind of stuck to herself, and I think she was just in the right place at the right time.

Speaker 52 But then she was pecked to death by her new

Speaker 3 colleagues, or whatever you call them.

Speaker 50 So, clearly, she was not

Speaker 49 standing alone at that point.

Speaker 1 It's sweet to think of chickens that make eggs together as colleagues

Speaker 1 working towards the same goal. Do you think they have a Zoom where they're talking about if they're hitting their quotas?

Speaker 5 So, was it

Speaker 3 the question, how did that happen, or how did that happen?

Speaker 7 It sounds like

Speaker 50 avoided the coyotes, but pecked to death by her new friends?

Speaker 5 Yeah, no, absolutely. It's

Speaker 23 Los Angeles.

Speaker 1 Sounds like Loretta wasn't that great of a hang.

Speaker 9 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 32 Well, sometimes when you introduce new chickens to

Speaker 44 each other, when they're older, they don't get along. So they have to be all kind of grow up together and then they're a flock.

Speaker 24 But when you bring in two new ones, they kill each other.

Speaker 1 Yeah. My dad's had trouble making friends at his retirement community.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah, it's exactly like that.

Speaker 1 Nice.

Speaker 1 Wait, the coyotes were in LA or Canada?

Speaker 15 This was in Canada, yeah.

Speaker 9 Oh, okay. Lots of coyotes and wolves and bears on the property up there.

Speaker 1 So we have coyotes here. Absolutely, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 40 They're a little scrawny down here, though.

Speaker 26 Coyotes are healthier up in Canada.

Speaker 9 Yeah. Yeah.
Lots of chicken skies.

Speaker 25 Lots of idiotic newbie farmers up there to come in and take advantage of.

Speaker 1 Did you learn anything from it that you would do differently?

Speaker 38 Yeah, because I do have new chickens now, and there was sort of some mistakes were made for sure.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Clearly.

Speaker 33 No, like I said, they do actually

Speaker 39 observe the property.

Speaker 35 The animals observed the property and

Speaker 42 knew that I was gone. Isn't that interesting?

Speaker 1 I noticed this when I started seeing when I moved to LA. I was like, wow, the coyotes are genuinely wily.

Speaker 5 They are.

Speaker 2 They are wily coyotes. Absolutely.
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 And they're smart.

Speaker 1 And other animals run away from people.

Speaker 1 If you see a squirrel and a squirrel, the squirrel runs until it can't see anymore. Any other animals, they run away as far as they can.

Speaker 1 Coyotes, they step back, but they don't need to to run all the way away because they know, if they know that you're not going to chase them,

Speaker 46 you know, they're smart. So

Speaker 44 now, like, it's true.

Speaker 2 They are extremely intelligent. So what I do is I leave the,

Speaker 43 first of all, if I know I'm going to be leaving that day, I don't let the chickens out. So if I know I'm going to be gone for an extended period of time, I don't let the chickens out.

Speaker 43 And then when I do have to leave while the chickens are out, I might leave the radio on

Speaker 38 playing some talk radio, and then that

Speaker 38 coyotes feel that there might be some people around.

Speaker 2 And maybe I'll play your podcast actually next time.

Speaker 5 Oh, that'd be nice.

Speaker 35 They'll probably come in, though, to sit around and listen.

Speaker 1 It sounds like there's two people plus

Speaker 1 a small group. They're not really laughing.

Speaker 8 How many are there?

Speaker 1 It's hard to tell, dude, between five and thirty

Speaker 1 people.

Speaker 1 Sometimes it sounds like more. It usually sounds like more people.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, it sounds good.

Speaker 40 Sounds like you're killing it here tonight.

Speaker 15 This is awesome, man.

Speaker 14 Yeah, really cool.

Speaker 53 Thanks for having me.

Speaker 36 I like your dog.

Speaker 5 Thank you. Isn't she good? Isn't she good?

Speaker 31 So

Speaker 31 we're on tour right now.

Speaker 22 So if you want to come see Charlie and I perform, we're actually going to be up in Colorado and traveling.

Speaker 34 We're actually traveling in a camper van and cruising out across the country and performing as we go and on our days off going out into the

Speaker 34 into the wilderness, into the American Southwest and doing a lot of

Speaker 15 photography and videography for my YouTube channel.

Speaker 43 So you can go check that out.

Speaker 42 If you want to see Charlie and I sitting on a mountaintop somewhere, you can go look at hours and hours of that,

Speaker 43 which is quite exciting.

Speaker 1 Everybody, you can watch Tom Green, I Got a Mule, Tom Green Country, and this is the Tom Green documentary: the three films we're just talking about on Prime Video.

Speaker 1 Tom Green, everybody.

Speaker 5 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Tom will be back for the rant wheel. We come back, Nori Reed.
It's feeling queer and spreading cheer.

Speaker 10 We'll be right back.

Speaker 20 Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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Speaker 1 Please welcome to the stage, your favorite trans it girl in mine, the incredible Nori Reid.

Speaker 1 Hi, hi. I'm a drink of this.
I'm no s. Come on in.
Nori Reed, everybody. Good to see you.

Speaker 55 Hi. Hi.

Speaker 55 I don't know what questions you have, but I just want to talk about farm animals.

Speaker 53 Do you?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But you're from Kentucky. I am.

Speaker 5 Rural. Yeah.

Speaker 56 Yeah, yeah, rural.

Speaker 1 So you've dealt with hogs and pigs and goats and turkeys and mules?

Speaker 10 And that's just the people.

Speaker 51 No, I rode horses growing up.

Speaker 5 You did? I did.

Speaker 11 Yes. Oh, wow.

Speaker 55 Yeah, so no.

Speaker 56 I'd eat the horse.

Speaker 19 I'm just kidding.

Speaker 1 You also have a new stand-up show here at Dynasty next month called Nori and Tien Fix the World. Yes.
All right, well, what's the plan?

Speaker 56 We wrote that title

Speaker 55 a few months ago.

Speaker 53 And

Speaker 55 we could not at all anticipate how bad things would get.

Speaker 55 We originally were supposed to do it, but then the fires happened.

Speaker 36 Right, right.

Speaker 55 So then it got pushed back. And

Speaker 51 should we change the title?

Speaker 1 Is my question.

Speaker 1 I think it's more appropriate, more trenchant and appropriate than ever.

Speaker 7 Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 The planes aren't safe anymore. And we didn't think about that one.
We didn't say in October, and then the planes won't be safe. That wasn't one of the things we thought about at all.

Speaker 1 Never fucking came up.

Speaker 15 Yeah, the planes are going to bump.

Speaker 48 But

Speaker 55 I will will say the way that the Toronto, the Delta plane landed was kind of queer.

Speaker 1 No, for sure.

Speaker 5 It was kind of like, you know, a kind of queer landing.

Speaker 13 Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 It's yeah, right.

Speaker 1 It definitely, that plane served.

Speaker 11 It served.

Speaker 46 It ate.

Speaker 7 It really ate.

Speaker 8 That plane ate.

Speaker 1 That plane ate. I also like, look, I refuse to click on a single link about it because it's like, I found out what I need to know from the single picture and the fact that nobody died.

Speaker 1 Those are the two facts, the image and then nobody died. Any other detail I don't really care to dive into.

Speaker 1 So I just am stuck with what I'm imagining in my mind, but it's just like, obviously it's the scariest fucking 30 seconds of your whole goddamn life because you're upside down and you're just not ready for that.

Speaker 1 No. And then, but, but what I always, what I keep thinking about is there's the moment where you're upside down and it's like, it's seatbelt time, baby.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 Here we go.

Speaker 55 I mean, all I could think about sometimes, you know, when they, you know, whenever they're like, put your seatbelt on, we're about to land. Sometimes I'm just like,

Speaker 55 you know, like, I, sometimes I pretend to, but then I don't.

Speaker 51 I would have, I would have fucking died because

Speaker 55 I don't listen to the, to the flight attendants.

Speaker 1 Whenever, what I'm obsessed with, what I'm obsessed with is the way in which, even in an emergency, like the brokenness of our society like intercedes and that like

Speaker 1 I just know that the plane would be upside down, everybody is doing the, you're just hearing click broom.

Speaker 7 Click.

Speaker 18 Sorry, but that's, you know, just like click brop.

Speaker 4 And just,

Speaker 1 people just, they're upside down. And then they're just sort of, no one's, no one's practiced this, right? Just landing, however, getting fucked up.

Speaker 1 And then you look and you're like, somebody's, there's going to be, everyone's looking around to see is somebody else grabbing their laptop? You know?

Speaker 1 And I'm about to be stuck at Toronto for hours of interviews and where is my stuff and all the rest. I want my fucking laptop and my charger.
Where are those? They're in my bag.

Speaker 1 You're not supposed to take your bag. And as we've, now there's, if the rule is nobody takes their bag, I'm happy to leave my bag.

Speaker 1 But the second one person grabs their bag in the emergency, then there's two categories, winners and suckers. And I want my fucking bag.
So I'm looking around.

Speaker 1 And if anybody so much as touches their bag as we're walking on the ceiling of this plane

Speaker 1 to get out, I am gonna fucking lose it.

Speaker 5 I am gonna lose it.

Speaker 55 And you know, there's gonna be one guy with his guitar.

Speaker 51 Just kind of like it's so big. And he's just like, no,

Speaker 51 it's my dad's guitar.

Speaker 3 And it's like, shut up.

Speaker 1 Nori, you recently posted to your stories lamenting that just because you're a trans person, you have to be functionally an activist instead of what you want to be, a comedian that tells jokes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I agree with that, which is why we wanted to give us all a break with a twist on an old classic. We're calling gay as in happy news.
We here,

Speaker 4 we here at Love It.

Speaker 1 Love It or Leave It are inundated with horrible stories every day.

Speaker 5 I walk by,

Speaker 1 so especially on like Wednesdays and Thursdays, I'll walk by Hallie and Sarah's desk and they're working on, they're writing the show and

Speaker 1 it looks as though they've seen the video in the ring and they have a certain number of time to get down what they've seen. They have ghostly white expressions.

Speaker 1 They're easily startled because they're reading the news, you know, for you

Speaker 1 and for me.

Speaker 51 Say thank you.

Speaker 1 So, we wanted to do a segment dedicated to the fun, weird, silly, interesting, light-hearted news stories that we used to be able to cover before the devil himself and his robot children invaded the Oval Office.

Speaker 1 Norrie, you and I are going to trade off punchlines while everyone in the audience kicks back for a second and enjoys, and in between we say, but up, but up, yay news.

Speaker 46 Okay.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 All right, do you want to to kick us off?

Speaker 18 Okay.

Speaker 51 A hungry baby seal was rescued from a street in Connecticut and sent to the aquarium in Mystic, Connecticut.

Speaker 14 Nice.

Speaker 56 Yeah, well, they could tell the seal was hungry by how desperately he was trying to reheat Mu Dang's nachos.

Speaker 1 But up, but up, but up, up, yay. News.

Speaker 1 In other news, a Delta flight flipped completely upside down and burst into flames as it landed in Toronto. Luckily, all 80 people aboard survived.
We have a clip.

Speaker 12 Just so you are, there's people outside walking around the aircraft there.

Speaker 12 Yeah, we've got it.

Speaker 19 The aircraft upside down and burning.

Speaker 53 Why was that funny?

Speaker 1 I don't know. It's because it's such a, it's so matter-of-factly describing, really,

Speaker 1 like upside down is just that everything's gone wrong. And then you're throwing on the and burning.
And burning.

Speaker 1 The pilot and his son were ultimately able to be switched back into their real bodies by that old lady in the cave while having learned that being an adult is harder than it looks, but so is being a kid.

Speaker 46 Bada news.

Speaker 1 I'll be honest, Nori, we did struggle to find enough good news for the whole segment, but those people survived, so that's nice, and we did our best, which is the only thing that matters.

Speaker 51 Okay, here's one.

Speaker 51 Cynthia Arivo will star as Jesus in the musical Jesus Christ Superstar at the Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles.

Speaker 22 Okay,

Speaker 51 so buy your tickets now, but remember the first 10 rows are in the splash zone.

Speaker 7 Wait, what?

Speaker 1 Is there a splash zone in Jesus Christ Superstar? I don't know what it's about.

Speaker 55 I don't understand.

Speaker 51 But

Speaker 51 is it because she's so talented?

Speaker 1 Well, so, okay, you want to, let's get into it.

Speaker 5 Here is what. So,

Speaker 1 originally, there was going to be a joke that was something like,

Speaker 1 so watch as Cynthia turns water into wine and the seats of lesbian viewers into water.

Speaker 1 Something about them all getting horny for Cynthia Rivos, but I couldn't crack it, as you can tell.

Speaker 1 And so then I thought, oh, wouldn't it be funny if Jesus Christ Superstar was like a Gallagher show where he got ponchos in the first 10 rows, unrelated to anything sexual, just something that goes on in the musical.

Speaker 1 Because I don't know anything about Jesus Christ Superstar. And Andrew Lloyd Weber, let's face it, it's kind of silly.
It's kind of silly, these musicals by him. So then I thought, oh, that's funny.

Speaker 1 And that was it. That was the full extent of it.

Speaker 1 Okay, this one's not good either. A week after Trump named himself the Kennedy Center chair, the center canceled its planned pride concert from the Gay Men's Chorus of Washington, D.C.

Speaker 1 It's replaced by Elon Musk's garage band debuting their new album, Music to Play on Your Way Home from Family Court, with hits like That Bitch and You Can Pull Off That Hat.

Speaker 1 Bad up

Speaker 32 Yay News.

Speaker 10 Oh, okay.

Speaker 51 In other Cynthia Arrivo news, this week the Wicked Star was announced as this year's Tony's host in June.

Speaker 56 The Tony's are this gay couple who were supposed to stay with me.

Speaker 51 But Cynthia's got a pull-out couch and lives close to Universal Studios anyways.

Speaker 51 Meanwhile, this year's CMT Awards will once again host the spread of of COVID.

Speaker 1 Okay, this one's bad, too.

Speaker 1 The Trump administration erased the T and Q from LGBTQ on the website commemorating the Stonewall National Monument, which now only celebrates LGB history.

Speaker 1 Not sure why they're called the feds, because they certainly aren't eating.

Speaker 1 I went to the Stonewall website just to check it out, and it was like

Speaker 1 there was clearly just stuff that had been pulled down off the website. But then they were said, like, here, click here for a 15-part video series on the history of Stonewall.

Speaker 1 I was like, how did they manage to scrub that? You click on it, and because technically it's part of the national parks, it's just a squirrel saying that you've come to the wrong place.

Speaker 3 But that squirrel, trans.

Speaker 1 I will say this.

Speaker 1 It is possible for a few freaks inside the Trump administration to raise trans people from a website about New York, but it's worth remembering that Trump isn't the first would-be tyrant whose advisors tried to make people afraid of trans and Iberian people.

Speaker 1 Here, look at this.

Speaker 9 Okay,

Speaker 47 that

Speaker 1 is an image from the maxims of Tahutep, who was a vizier to the pharaohs in Egypt over 4,000 years ago. It is a warning about the seductive power of femboys.

Speaker 1 Over 2,000 years ago, Ovid's Metamorphoses had a poem about Canias raised as a boy who undergoes a magical gender transition at the hands of Poseidon.

Speaker 1 Ovid uses he-him pronouns, and that's not the only gender transition in that poem, though it is very long. There's a story of Ephesus and there's a story of Leucippis.

Speaker 14 Wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 53 That sounds like look a piss.

Speaker 5 Like, look a piss. Look a piss.

Speaker 51 I thought we were just having fun. Moving on, speaking of ancient Egypt.

Speaker 51 British researchers tasked with describing the smell of mummies for science described it as woody, spicy, and sweet, admitting we were surprised at the pleasantness of them.

Speaker 56 Of course, the real test will be: how do they taste?

Speaker 10 Hey, Nori.

Speaker 1 Can I ask you a series question?

Speaker 36 Yeah, of course. How are you doing?

Speaker 53 Fine.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 22 How are you doing?

Speaker 18 I'm okay.

Speaker 1 I'm worried about the trans people.

Speaker 53 Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 53 it's a weird, weird time that I'm living in.

Speaker 1 I went to Florida to visit my parents and my sister and my brother-in-law and nephew and to go to Disney World,

Speaker 1 which is something that happens to me from time to time. Now,

Speaker 1 the reason I bring that up is because we were in Florida, a state that famously has a anti-trans governor, and my partner is trans, and they're very nervous when we have to go through the airport, and like they need to go to the bathroom, and it's like, great,

Speaker 1 a bunch of people voted for Trump, and now my partner has to be fucking nervous at the airport.

Speaker 1 And because trans people are basically completely invisible in the world, they are not, they are represented as an object on the news, it's about

Speaker 1 a few people acting as though they're scared of trans people in the bathroom when nothing bad is happening.

Speaker 1 But the daily experience of trans people is being afraid of things that actually do happen, which is people accusing them of being in the wrong bathroom when they're in public spaces.

Speaker 1 And so I was just seeing how you're doing.

Speaker 55 Yeah, I mean, it is a really, really hard time for trans people. We're somehow always on the front lines of everything.

Speaker 55 You know, Trump's first...

Speaker 55 One of his first executive actions was targeting the trans community. It happened so quickly.
And I don't know the outcomes. I don't know what faith to put in institutions and systems.

Speaker 55 What I do have is faith in trans people and trans community. And we've always been here, and we're never leaving.

Speaker 55 And it doesn't matter the access that we have to healthcare institutions and things like that. It truly doesn't matter.
We will survive. We will exist.
And no one can ever take that away from us.

Speaker 55 So that's how I feel. Yeah.

Speaker 7 Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, yay news.

Speaker 1 Nori, thank you so much. Transit Girls will be at the Moontower Comedy Festival on April 18th.
Tickets are available now. So funny.
So good to see you.

Speaker 55 So good to see you. Thank you.

Speaker 1 When we come back, we're taking that doggone wheel for a doggone spin.

Speaker 20 Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

Speaker 1 Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Fatty15. Have you ever heard about C15?

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Speaker 1 You can get an additional 15% off their 90-day subscription starter kit by going to fatty15.com/slash love it. That's F-A-T-T-Y-15.com/slash love it and use code loveit at checkout.

Speaker 57 October brings it all: Halloween parties, tailgates, crisp fall nights. At Total Wine and Moore, you'll find just what you need for them all.
Mixing up something spooky?

Speaker 57 Total Wine and More is your cocktail central for all your Halloween concoctions.

Speaker 57 With the lowest prices for over 30 years, you'll always find what you love and love what you find only at Total Wine and More. Curbside pickup and delivery available in most areas.

Speaker 57 See TotalWine.com for details. Spirits not sold in Virginia and North Carolina.
Drink responsibly. Beat 21.

Speaker 18 And we're back

Speaker 1 here at Crooked Media. We're dedicated to cutting through the noise and focusing on what actually matters, especially when things feel overwhelming.

Speaker 1 And the best way to support our work is to subscribe to Friends of the Pod. Get 25% off a new annual subscription right now through Saturday, February 22nd.

Speaker 1 If you're a monthly subscriber, upgrading is quick and easy. Just visit crooked.com/slash friends or subscribe to the Pod Save America Apple feed.
It really is helping us to build out

Speaker 1 people in the community.

Speaker 1 If you subscribe, you get access to ads, free episodes, you get access to a bunch of bonus content that's both just fun behind the scenes, but also really smart analysis, Polar Coaster, other great content.

Speaker 1 Plus, you get access to the Discord, which is a great community of people, kind of a Twitter

Speaker 1 just amongst friends, which is what it was supposed to be. So please subscribe.
It really helps support our progressive media company that we're building.

Speaker 1 As you may have noticed, we are in a growing right-wing fever swamp and doing our best. All right, so please go to crooked.com slash friends and sign up.

Speaker 1 Also, if you're in LA, come to Dynasty next Thursday, February 27th, to check out Love It or Leave It Live with guests Liza Traeger and Jesse Tyler Ferguson.

Speaker 1 Trump is trying to ban cancer research and safe air travel, but he hasn't come for gay comedy shows yet. So enjoy about less.
Crooked.com/slash events.

Speaker 1 Okay, please welcome Tom Green back to the stage.

Speaker 35 Come on in.

Speaker 14 All right, all right. All right.

Speaker 22 Hello, hello.

Speaker 1 I know I've gotten a bad rap as just another annoying, albeit well-chiseled coastal elite, but I can get down in the mud just as well as the rest of them.

Speaker 1 And since both of my guests come from around them rural parts, we're going to take a sweet old gander, what the fuck,

Speaker 1 at this wheel and yap our trash at what's hounding our high knees in a segment we're calling the rand wheel.

Speaker 1 Nice.

Speaker 4 Kennedy.

Speaker 24 I like that graphic.

Speaker 5 That's good. That's a good one.
That's a good one. That's a really good one.

Speaker 24 I spent a lot more time on that one.

Speaker 1 This one got more attention, for sure. For sure.

Speaker 1 Kennedy, why don't you go on there? I can't do it. What the fuck? And give this a sweet little spin.

Speaker 9 Yuck.

Speaker 23 Okay, I see.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 It is Lanton Nori. What's your rural rant?

Speaker 46 Oh,

Speaker 46 rural

Speaker 51 you with your beautiful back roads and the beautiful trees, and all the beautiful animals.

Speaker 53 How dare you,

Speaker 36 you rural area,

Speaker 51 and how beautiful the sunsets are and the skies and are

Speaker 51 fuck you. Yeah,

Speaker 19 nice, got them.

Speaker 14 That was good. Yeah, thank you.
Oh, that's good. You just got them.

Speaker 1 They're dead. You got them.
I like that. Let's spin it again.

Speaker 46 Oh, what's going on, Tom Green?

Speaker 10 It's me.

Speaker 1 What's your rant, Tom?

Speaker 33 About living in a rural area.

Speaker 5 If you'd like.

Speaker 31 Not enough sushi.

Speaker 24 You know,

Speaker 32 I lived Ventura Boulevard adjacent for 20 years.

Speaker 15 A lot of sushi there.

Speaker 34 And it's really hard to get some spicy tuna on crispy rice out there in the rural wilderness of Ontario. I miss my spicy tuna on crispy rice.

Speaker 27 Lots of mosquitoes, lots of bugs, lots of

Speaker 26 insects and pigeons.

Speaker 1 I don't go for crispy rice. I think it's better before it's crisped.
Yeah? Yeah, I've never been into it.

Speaker 1 I've never been into the spicy tuna crispy rice fad craze. Never liked it.

Speaker 31 Not enough Toro sashimi.

Speaker 22 Would that strike a little more close to home?

Speaker 23 Well, I'm just sharing.

Speaker 1 No, I mean, I understand.

Speaker 5 I'm a yellow tail sashimi is a little bit of a crazy colour.

Speaker 1 It's not that I didn't understand it. I can relate to your experience by conveying it.

Speaker 31 You go to sushi to get something raw, and then you get a spicy cooked rice.

Speaker 15 It's just sort of not what it's sort of.

Speaker 1 But you can't get good sushi up there in Ontario?

Speaker 40 Not really, no. Not really.

Speaker 15 Not in my neck of the woods.

Speaker 37 We are out in the middle of nowhere, so

Speaker 31 there's not a katsuya out there.

Speaker 1 But the bears eat, they get the salmon.

Speaker 5 That's true. That's true.
I couldn't.

Speaker 33 And that's in a sense.

Speaker 3 Go direct to the source.

Speaker 27 Go direct to the source.

Speaker 31 You're right. This is a good point.

Speaker 33 Yeah, but I like, you know, it's...

Speaker 30 You are right. I need to follow the bears around.

Speaker 15 They know where the sushi's at.

Speaker 1 I once,

Speaker 1 I used to be a speech writer. I used to have a very serious job.
And we wrote a joke for President Obama about we were trying to simplify the government.

Speaker 1 And so our way of doing it was not to unleash a fucking whacked-out billionaire inside the fucking machine. It was to kind of ask Congress for help.
Stupid us. And so,

Speaker 1 mistake. Should have just done it from fucking put on a crown and been like, do it.
That's what the American people really want.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And cheaper eggs, which they cannot have.

Speaker 5 But the

Speaker 1 not allowed. No cheaper eggs.
Tazku's for the richest.

Speaker 30 Just go to my website. I've got eggs for half price.

Speaker 1 Half price. Yeah.
TomgreenEggs.xxx for some reason. Now,

Speaker 1 so we were trying to make a joke about how complicated the government could be. And so basically the joke was

Speaker 1 that the Interior Department handles the salmon when they're in the freshwater

Speaker 1 and the EPA handles the salmon where in the saltwater. But you won't believe how complicated it gets once they're smoked.

Speaker 1 And it got about that response. And it got that back from Congress.
It was during a State of the Union. Okay.
And it really fucking biffed. I want to know another joke that biffed? I'll tell you.

Speaker 3 Is that true, though? The EPA is when they're in the saltwater.

Speaker 1 It was interior when it was fresh, and it was might have been a different or different arm of the government.

Speaker 1 But it was one agency for the ocean and one agency when they were in the freshwater. But those agencies found what we were saying too simplistic.

Speaker 1 So there's some way in which it was kind of too simplistic.

Speaker 4 The other funny time was we were trying to also

Speaker 1 cut some government spending for what I don't remember. But we were talking about how there was an expensive program that required a huge expense to clean up milk.

Speaker 1 If a milk tanker crashed on the highway, you had to treat it like a chemical spill.

Speaker 1 And the joke we had said, hey, it's a real shame that taxpayers are crying over spilled milk.

Speaker 1 And again, it did as well as that. But I tried to get a different joke in, which nobody wanted.
And the joke was, how big of a problem can it be if you can clean it up with Oreos?

Speaker 1 It's a better joke. But it was, I think, a little too kind of weird for the state of the union.

Speaker 7 Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 31 Why was it necessary to even talk about the milk spill in the state of the union to begin with?

Speaker 1 Politics.

Speaker 1 That's politics.

Speaker 24 Seeks are a lot of other things that might be a little bit more important.

Speaker 1 It was a little example of a bigger problem.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 32 Is it really a chemical sort of spill?

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 1 I think it was how it was true.

Speaker 1 It was a kind of expensive boondoggle.

Speaker 13 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 cleaning up milk if it were to spill. It was an example of government

Speaker 1 excess

Speaker 1 that we recognized at the time. And again, we tried to handle it through compromise and working with Congress, fools that we were.

Speaker 1 You just give a billionaire a chainsaw. All right, let's spin it again.

Speaker 46 All right.

Speaker 35 It has landed on

Speaker 1 my face.

Speaker 1 And my rural rant is, I spent some time living in rural Connecticut during the pandemic, actually. Nice.

Speaker 1 There was a moment in Los Angeles where there were fires. And so

Speaker 1 you weren't allowed to be inside, but then you also weren't allowed to be outside. And that really broke my brain.

Speaker 1 And so I said, we're going to Connecticut,

Speaker 1 where my then partner's family lived. And so we went to Connecticut for six months.
And I'll tell you, the Starbucks was so far.

Speaker 1 And so, and so every morning I would borrow

Speaker 1 the keys and drive to the Starbucks. It was like 18 minutes each way.

Speaker 1 And it was like, just make coffee here.

Speaker 18 How?

Speaker 1 You know, it's impossible. French press.
Well, so they had a coffee machine and I hated it. I didn't like what came out of there.

Speaker 1 And so I would just drive to the Starbucks. Sometimes they'd mix it up because it was next door to a Dunkin' Donuts.
Right, right, right. So I'd sometimes go there instead.

Speaker 1 That was my rural experience.

Speaker 3 Did you sort of living?

Speaker 15 Is that when you went rural, you kind of came back and became a Dunkin' Donuts coffee person?

Speaker 1 I'm still a Starbucks girl.

Speaker 9 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 And now they make them write a little note on every cup. And I'm just like, you don't need to do that for me.
I don't need that from this relationship. And I'm not looking for a deeper connection.

Speaker 1 I'm just here for this drink I get every day.

Speaker 10 Why don't you try a French press?

Speaker 4 You think? Yeah, you'll like that.

Speaker 1 You just, but you press it. Yeah, and it's delicious.

Speaker 34 It's good coffee.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so that was my rural experience. We also had chickens.
We also had chickens. Great eggs.
Oh, isn't it?

Speaker 1 People think that I didn't understand how much better the eggs from a nearby chicken were compared to the eggs from the chickens that are far away.

Speaker 1 The local egg, the nearby egg, my goodness, it's a much better egg.

Speaker 47 You don't even have to refrigerate them.

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 10 And they are fresh, delicious.

Speaker 14 They are fresh. They're really good.

Speaker 1 Absolutely.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 56 Would you ever get a cow for milk?

Speaker 2 I would get a cow, actually.

Speaker 27 Yeah, just because I think they're kind of cool.

Speaker 37 Yeah, I would get a cow.

Speaker 38 I could see myself getting a cow at some point.

Speaker 1 Utterly fascinating. And that's our show.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much to Tom Green and to Nori Reed. We'll see you next week at Dynasty.
There are 619 days until the midterms. Have a great night and have a great weekend.

Speaker 31 Thanks, John.

Speaker 30 That was super fun.

Speaker 2 Thank you, thank you. Great stuff.
Thank you.

Speaker 11 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Love it or leave it as a crooked media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg.
Kendra James is our executive producer. Bill McGrath is our producer.

Speaker 1 And Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer.
Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Elaine Pierre, Will Miles, and Mohanad El Shigi are our writers.

Speaker 1 Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support.
Stephen Cologne is our audio engineer, and Milo Kim is our videographer.

Speaker 1 Our theme song is written and performed by SureSure.

Speaker 1 Thanks to our designer, Sammy Koderna Reeves, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producers, David Tolas, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGrode for filming and editing videos each week so you can.

Speaker 1 And our production staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America East.

Speaker 57 October brings it all. Halloween parties, tailgates, crisp fall nights.
At Total Wine and Moore, you'll find just what you need for them all. Mixing up something spooky?

Speaker 57 Total Wine and Moore is your cocktail central for all your Halloween concoctions.

Speaker 57 With the lowest prices for over 30 years, you'll always find what you love and love what you find only at Total Wine and Moore. Curbside pickup and delivery available in most areas.

Speaker 57 See TotalWine.com for details. Spirits not sold in Virginia and North Carolina.
Drink responsibly. Be 21.

Speaker 52 Being an American right now is a wild ride. The headlines come fast, but what do they actually mean for people's lives?

Speaker 52 I'm Alex Wagner, and on my new crooked media podcast, Runaway Country, I'm talking to people across the nation to uncover how political chaos is shaping their everyday realities.

Speaker 52 Join me and some of the smartest thinkers in politics to ask how we take back the reins of a runaway nation.

Speaker 52 Listen to Runaway Country with Alex Wagner every Thursday, wherever you get our podcasts or watch full episodes on YouTube.