The Trigon of Sadness

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What's up, Los Angeles?

Welcome to Love or Leave It live from Dynasty Typewriter. The White House is celebrating Black History Month and ending diversity programs, which actually makes sense.
One way to honor the civil rights movement is by making sure we still need one. That went exactly as we discussed.
tonight on the show, Tom Green leaves the wilderness to answer all of your wild questions, so start thinking now about what life advice you would want to receive from Tom Green. Nori Reed is here to share some gay old news, and then we put on our overalls to wrap it all up with a good old-fashioned spin of the rant wheel.
But first,

let's get into it. What a week.
Just when you thought things couldn't get any better, Elon Musk stopped by CPAC today. That's the conservative conference and simultaneous closeted gay orgy where he gestured wildly with a chainsaw on stage.
This is the chainsaw for bureaucracy. Chainsaw! Yeah, it's really giving third act of A Star is Born vibes.
Anyway, how's everybody doing?

Everybody keeping up with their gratitude journals?

Keeping those New Year's resolutions?

Musk had a number of important messages for the attendees.

Yeah, we're fighting the matrix big time here.

Yeah.

But that's got to be done.

Sounds like somebody took the red pill. And then like a hundred of the pills.
Here's Musk ruminating on his favorite topic. I am become meme.
Yeah, pretty much. I'm just, I'm living the meme.
It's like there's living the dream and there's living the meme. And it's pretty much what's happening, you know.
Ah, yes. I am become meme from the part of the Bhagavad Gita about me specifically killing myself.
For those listening at home, Musk is wearing sunglasses indoors during the day. That's the international sign for, this guy should definitely have backdoor access to all the databases.
I wore sunglasses inside once during a taping of Pod Save America in 2017 because I thought I was incredibly hungover, but it turned out I had a rapidly expanding MRSA infection that landed me in a Texas hospital for four days. Do you think that's what he has? Yeah.

True fans of the show remember that.

Does anyone remember that? Betsy, you remember that?

Betsy remembers that.

All in all, a perfect addition to a perfect

week as Doge and the Trump administration

continue to conduct a sloppy wave

of mass firings across the federal government

and in some cases backtracking

after realizing, whoops, we fired the guy

who stops the bombs from going boom.

So if you're still in line to be

fired by a tweaking South African billionaire, stay in line. One of the 1,000 Veterans Affairs workers whom Doge kicked to the curb, Luke Graziani, a disabled Army veteran with four kids who worked at the Bronx VA hospital after serving in the Army for 20 years and deploying on four tours to Iraq and Afghanistan.
Does Italian count as DEI anymore? Asked a sweaty Elon Musk, who was also trying to figure out why a nuclear warhead was beeping. And as various aircraft keep touching, which they're not supposed to do, hundreds of employees at the FAA have been fired.
And while those firings didn't include air traffic controllers, they did include people responsible for maintaining critical air traffic infrastructure. So when your Spirit Air flight loses a wing over the Gulf of America, just remember that in the three minutes it will take to plummet your death, about half of your fellow passengers will be Trump voters, who while having what feels like an eternity to face oblivion, will be smashed by jagged, shattering fuselage, having learned absolutely nothing.
Anyway, I'm heading straight to D.C. to register my concerns about all this.
If the weather is favorable and the horses stay true, I shall be there in three to six months. Meanwhile, the Department of Energy fired more than 300 employees from the National Nuclear Security Administration, then scrambled to hire them back after members of Congress pointed out that some of them were tasked with overseeing the country's nuclear weapons.
Also about to be accidentally fired, several ICBMs. On Tuesday, the USDA announced that it had mistakenly fired several employees who were working on the federal bird flu response and was trying to hire them back.
Unfortunately, it was too late. The employees had already accepted high-paying jobs working for the bird flu lobby.
Revolving door. Thousands of employees across the Department of Health and Human Services were notified of their firing over the weekend in what some have called a Valentine's Day massacre, a little disrespectful to the original Valentine's Day massacre, which was the time I got food poisoning during a romantic post-Korean barbecue hot air balloon ride.
To be clear, it was my fault. I mixed up the tongs.
Jim Jones, not that Jim Jones, the FDA top food official, resigned on Tuesday in response to the firing, saying in a letter to the FDA's acting commissioner, it would have been fruitless for me to continue in this role. Do you think he consciously made a food pun? Or is he just so passionate about food that he did it without thinking? I think it's the second one, probably.
Anyway, don't think of it as losing confidence in food safety. Think of it as gaining fun new M&M flavors, like chromium and rat.
In an interview later on Tuesday, Jones told Stat News that the firing of 89 staff members responsible for food safety had effectively dismantled the division. But think of all the TikToks you'll be able to watch on the toilet at the supermarket.
Well, you think about how after

you wash your hands, you have to handle the key attached to a checkout divider. I want to talk

about this. You see, the reason we chose supermarket is it's the kind of place where you really only

have to use the bathroom if it's an emergency, because home is almost always the next stop

because of the perishables. So if you're in there for a loosey-doosey, a lot went wrong.
America's number one late-night political gay live comedy podcast. Eh, whatever.
The White House defended the firings, of course, with Press Secretary Caroline Leavitt, no relation, saying in a statement, There are a number of bureaucrats who are resistant to the democratic process. Not as resistant as the E.
coli in our spinach is about to be, but resistance nevertheless. Continued Levitt, no relation, President Trump is only interested in the best and most qualified people who are also willing to implement his America First agenda on behalf of the American people.
It's not for everyone, and that's okay. No.
No, no. Pineapple pizza is not for everyone.
Pizza topped with hexane and bits of conveyor belt is for no one. Look, it is easier as a society to make heroes of people than it is of systems.
We lift up inventors and soldiers and leaders of all kinds. We celebrate bravery and we celebrate brilliance.
It's a style of entertaining and conveying our values instinctive in us, not just older than our complicated, interconnected world, but older than writing itself. Every one of us has heard of the Wright brothers.
We've all heard of Amelia Earhart because we love stories of women getting what they deserve. But we don't learn about the committees that crafted the laws that created the FAA and the National Transportation Safety Board.
Flight was never the miracle. Bats and birds and bugs can fly.
Flying safely was the miracle. And that was about invention and genius and courage for sure.
Plus pissing in your pants, which was a big part of it early on. But it was also about meticulous, deliberate, complex systems of inspections, redundancies, tests, training, processes, fail-safes, and investigations that made flying so safe we take it for granted.
We haven't been constantly worried about planes falling out of the sky or food that's labeled allergy safe sending kids into anaphylaxis because they're little weaklings. And Democrats are so bad at reaching people who need to be reached and lacking the credibility to persuade anybody once we do that no one takes it seriously when we talk about how bad it could get.
We tried explaining why cigarettes cause cancer, but you still thought it was cool. So now you're going to have to smoke a whole carton of cigarettes while also eating room temperature scallops at a seafood buffet with tape marks on the window where the health inspector rating used to be.
Meanwhile, Doge has been trying to access a highly restricted IRS system that contains sensitive data about every taxpayer, business, and non-profit in the United States. And, alright, I'm just going to get ahead of this.
That bouncy castle was a legitimate business expense, and I stand by that. I needed it for work.
The top official at the Social Security Administration also resigned over the weekend after refusing to grant access to sensitive data, which includes the medical information of Americans who have applied for disability benefits. All right, I'm just going to get ahead of this.
I really did have dyslexia, but I overcame it by being really, really smart. Going to get a lot of misspelled angry comments on that one.
An engineer at the General Services Administration has resigned in protest after a Musk ally demanded access to Notify.gov, a system used to send mass texts to all Americans. Just a heads up, if Elon Musk starts texting us, I'm going off the grid.
If you want to hear this show, you can find me at 7.30 p.m. on Thursdays in the San Gabriel Mountains.
Where? Who knows? Good luck. Just follow the laughter.
The sounds of laughter. Sometimes it's lighter than you want.
That's not your fault. That's their fault.
Then on Thursday, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth instructed the Pentagon to cut their budget by $50 billion next year, or 8%.

What are they cutting? Come on, landmines and planes that can't fly in the rain.

Nope, it's anything related to climate change, DEI, and other, quote, woke programs.

Yeah, Senator Tommy Tuberville was enthusiastic about the plan, saying, and this is a direct quote,

I wouldn't be against them taking it from a Pentagon to a Trigon. Cut a couple sides off of it.
Ken, I'll take things Osama Bin Laden said in August 2001 for 800, please. I wouldn't be against them taking it from a Pentagon to a Trigon.

A Trigon.

Only word for it.

Only word for it is Trigon.

And I'll say it again.

If you are losing to the dumbest motherfuckers on Earth,

maybe they're not the dumbest motherfuckers on Earth.

Maybe they're the second dumbest.

Trigon, I'm going gonna try to kill myself. Fucking Trigon? Are you kidding me? Republicans are reportedly alarmed by cuts to agencies.
Even conservatives deemed too essential to sacrifice, like the FAA and the National Oceanic Atmospheric Administration, or NOAA. It's all fun and games until you remember that you have to fly back to your home district through the atmosphere.
Said Senator Lisa Murkowski, we all want efficiencies. There is a way to do it.
And the way these people have been treated has been awful in many cases. Awful.
Referring to the firing of a thousand National Forest Service workers. Only who can prevent forest fires? Not those guys anymore, that's for sure.
Now let's see what the Vice President, Jorts dealer Vance, had to say about all this. What is the essence of masculinity? You could answer this in so many different ways, but when I think about me and my guy friends, we really like to tell jokes to one another.
Somebody get these guys into a podcast studio. Now lock the doors from the outside.
What is the essence of masculinity, JD? Tell us, what is it, this essence of masculinity, what you and your guy friends get up to? It's the essence. As all masculine men, Ta, say, they're constantly thinking about the essence of their masculinity, where it is released, where it is best experience.
Hey, straight guys, where do you manifest your masculinity best, you find? Where is its essence? Fucking fag. Despite...
Jesus. Jesus no go on tell me more masculinity you cum guzzling freak no I'm just kidding does it come from this side or this side the essence of masculinity oh I think there's a little essence of masculinity in your fucking chin.
Unbelievable. But despite criticism from Republicans and declining approval ratings, the Trump White House is forging ahead announcing an executive order creating the Make America Healthy Again Commission chaired by Health and Human Services Secretary and Human Pepper Grinder, RFK Jr.

The order includes a promise to assess the prevalence and threat of drugs like Ozempic and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs.

If you think planes falling out of the sky is bad,

wait till you see what happens when you take away SSRIs from Gen Z.

Removing Lexapro prescriptions is like step one on the New York Times cooking app recipe for making perfectly al dente Luigi's. Speak, all right, this is what you want.

You want to be a little vulgar, a little darker.

I got it.

We were too sweet at the beginning.

All right.

All right, I'll follow.

Speaking of needing health and human services,

Mitch McConnell announced his retirement on Thursday,

which was also his 83rd birthday.

He said he plans to spend more time

falling down the stairs with his family. Wow.
It says here he just took a big job with the graffiti lobby after all their fights. Revolving door.
McConnell served seven terms in the Capitol and one outside while it was being built telling you this guy's old.

How old is he?

McConnell went to the beach from the movie Old that makes you old and said,

I remember when this beach was segregated.

McConnell gave his farewell address

from the Senate floor,

though it had started at the podium.

And we do have a clip. We do have a clip.
It's a turtle falling down the... For those at home, it was a turtle falling down the stairs.
Meanwhile, New York City Mayor Eric Adams defended himself this week against accusations that he offered to help Trump's anti-immigration efforts in exchange for the Justice Department dropping corruption charges against him, saying of the allegation, That is what you're seeing right there, right now, a modern-day Mein Kampf. What? What are you saying, friend? Who are you in this analogy? In fairness, I do the same thing.
Whenever I'm reading a book, I constantly find myself seeing connections to it in the world. Like how just last week I was like, this sandwich is a modern-day Unabombers manifesto.
Speaking of armies marching across Europe, Trump has decided he's headed up to here with Ukraine, here being the new border between Poland and Russia. They don't actually have a border yet.
Get it? Alright. It all began when Vladimir Zelensky criticized the United States for meeting with Russia without inviting Ukraine officials to talk about ending the war.
Look, we've all been there. You open your Instagram, Russia and the United States are out at drinks together, even though you asked the United States if they wanted to go out earlier.
And they're like, I'm tired. Long week.
And you're like, what the hell? And they're like, it came together at the last minute. And they're like, maybe if you weren't so quick to be a fucking butthurt asshole, we'd invite you more.
And then it's like, oh, now I need to stop being upset to be noticed. Better bring my A game or no more poker nights for me.
What were we talking about? Trump then escalated his rhetoric, posting on True Social, think of it, a modestly successful comedian, Vladimir Zelensky, talked the United States of America into spending $350 billion to go into a war that couldn't be won, that never had to start, but a war that he without the U successful comedian. I am a modestly successful comedian.
Zelensky was on television. Of course, it's absurd to ask why haven't you had elections while your country is in the middle of fighting an unprovoked invasion and half the population has fled.
They haven't had student council elections at Palisades High either, but that doesn't make outgoing senior Claudia Shang a tyrant. Mike Pence criticized Trump for claiming Ukraine started the conflict with Russia, which began when Russia invaded the country in February of 2022.
But he then hustled back down to his milk cellar to continue hiding from pardoned insurrectionists. The vast majority of Republicans, including Republicans who once spoke out about the importance of supporting allies in the fight against Putin, stayed silent or offered the barest of criticisms.
All these fucking Republicans who have been reading Churchill biographies in World War II histories through every vacation of their entire lives can't see that they are in the midst of their moment in history and are failing completely. But I will remember until I eat a runny yolk and die.
And finally, employees at a New Hampshire grocery store discovered a venomous Ecuadorian snake in a shipment of bananas last week. Things went from bad to worse when the snake offered a banana to one of the female employees and her single bite of it made all the other workers realize that they were naked and imbued with sin from the moment they're born.
A New Hampshire fish and game official told reporters, we're lucky enough that one of the workers at Market Basket was familiar with reptiles. And ladies, he's single, which he blames you for.
Up next, he's a lean, mean pranking machine. It's Tom Green.
Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.
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Please welcome to the stage.

His bum will be on the chair shortly.

It's the one and only Tom Green.

Hi, thank you for being here.

What's the dog's name?

This is Charlie, everybody.

Say hi to Charlie.

Come on over here.

Tom Green.

How are you?

Hey, John, thanks for having me on the show.

Thanks for being here.

This is Charlie.

Charlie's my dog.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Comes with you everywhere?

Yeah, I've been traveling around, touring with my dog.

I'm going to go back. Hey, John, thanks for having me on the show.
Thanks for being here. This is Charlie.
Charlie's my dog. Yeah.
Yeah. Comes with you everywhere? Yeah, I've been traveling around, touring with my dog.
Things are going real good for me. That's so fun.
You get to travel with your dog. Yeah.
Yeah, she comes on stage with me at my stand-up shows. This is not her first time on stage.
She's one of the most seasoned stand-up comedy dogs in the business today. Especially after that dog from Frasier died.
Yeah, well, thanks for bringing the mood down. No, everyone hated that dog.
Okay, fuck that dog. So, hi! Thanks for being here.
Great to be here. You're the star of a new comedy special called Tom Green, I Got a Mule.
What is a mule? A mule is a half horse, half donkey. It's a hybrid animal.
So you take a horse and a donkey and you make them breed. Two different species breed.
It's perverted. And can I ask a question? Does it matter which direction? In other words, does it matter if it's a tiger and a lion, you end up with a lion and a tiger and a tiger.
It's generally a male donkey and a female horse. Right, because a horse would be too big and the donkey would explode.
It's just more that a donkey is willing to procreate with another species, but a horse doesn't really want to do that. It's still too weird for a horse.
Right, right, right. The horse is a little bit pickier.
Yeah. That tracks with their kind of energies in cartoons.
They're extremely smart. Really? Yeah.
People say stubborn as a mule, but they're actually extremely intelligent animals. The hybrid aspect kind of creates a smarter animal.
What is a project where you would say, I don't want a donkey or a horse. I need a mule.
So I lived in Los Angeles. I'm from Canada.

I lived in Los Angeles for 20 years,

four years ago during the worldwide global pandemic.

Sure, remember it.

I moved back to Canada and I got a farm

and there was a couple of old barns on the property

and I thought it would be kind of fun

to get an animal to ride around on.

And I thought a mule would seem kind of funny. Yeah, it's a funny animal because it can't reproduce.
And it just seemed like it would look funny too. Right.
But then the mule I found is a beautiful mule. She doesn't look funny at all.
She's very majestic. Fanny is her name.
That was my great-grandmother's name. Yeah.
She was deaf. Okay.
Okay, cool. Yeah, interesting.

I mean, it's... She was.
Her husband was deaf,

too, but I never met him. He died before I was born.

Well, yeah, I don't think it's any relation

to your grandmother at all.

Why not?

She was from the old country.

Okay, absolutely.

You ever ride her around in the wilderness?

No, she was so frail, but

she taught me sign language. Okay.
And she would

let me ring the doorbell that lit up the whole apartment.

Oh, that's so nice. Your grandma

sounds nice. What was your

mule, Fanny, still alive?

Fanny, I just got her.

I just got her. Oh, yeah.
I just got her like

a year and a half ago.

Oh, wow. Mules live to be up to

like sometimes 40 years old. No! Yeah, absolutely.
Wow.. She'll be alive longer than you, probably.
I mean, I'm pretty healthy. She'll be around another 40 years.
You think you've got another 40 years? Fanny will dance on my grave. It's very possible, yeah.
I have a donkey as well. They live to be 50 sometimes.
She's only three, so they'll definitely outlive me. But I'll find them a good place.
It's a beautiful thing, man. I love it.
I love being back home in Canada. We ride around in the wilderness every day, Fanny and I.
And Charlie runs along with us. Don't you, Charlie? Don't we have so much fun? We have chickens, and with the price of eggs right now, it's going to be pretty good.
Yeah, that's... Well, yeah, because Al Spencer there.
I get like a dozen eggs a day out there. Holy shit.
That's a golden goose, but a chicken with eggs, real eggs. Absolutely, it's a good time for that.
Hey, do you think that the young you would think this version of you tracks? Possible, possible. I mean, I've always liked the outdoors and, you know fishing and nature and things like that.
So it's possible, yeah, it is. I never imagined myself having a mule.
Right. But I'm enjoying it a lot, yeah.
Yeah. But no horse? Well, I do have a horse as well, yeah.
Oh, you do. So you have a horse, a donkey, and a mule.
A horse, a donkey, and a mule, and a baby horse. Huh.
And six chickens and six guinea hens. But it's a good thing.
I love it. And so we filmed this new television show there for Prime Video.
Everybody tune in to check it out on Amazon Prime. It's about me trying to figure out how to ride a mule.
You know, for the first six months, she would not turn left for the first six months. Wow, stubborn.
So we would just go out for a spin. But because they're stubborn, well, it's because they're very smart.
So they kind of figure you out. They read your energy.
And she determined that I had no idea what I was doing. And that, I think, made her not trust, you know, my decisions to like want to ride off this way or whatever, so she was kind of hesitant.
But as we've grown to know each other more and she's built a trust with me, then things are going pretty good. That's nice.
What is the difference? You don't give a fuck, do you? No, I'm interested. Well, I'm thinking more about...
No, I do. I'm interested in this.
Well, I'm interested in the qualities that make a mule different than a donkey and a donkey different than a mule, different than a horse. Why not ride the donkey? Well, donkey's too small.
Really? Yeah. What about a burro? What's that? That is a donkey in Spanish.
Okay. It's a Spanish word for donkey.
And as we all know. Well, you know, when you get a donkey and a mule, you start to get into it.
And I have learned a few things about it. What's Spanish for mule? A donkey has 63 chromosomes.
63, wow. A horse has 64.
No, sorry, a mule has 63, a donkey has 62, and a horse has 64. Wow.
So when they become the hybrid, you know, you need to have an even number of chromosomes to reproduce. Right.
Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, so when they have the two species, they have this sort of odd number of chromosomes, and therefore they aren't able to reproduce.
That's why. So that's the difference between a donkey, horse, and a mule.
I wonder what they're missing.

The chromosome count.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I wonder what they're missing.

I didn't count them myself, but I did read about it.

No, yeah, you read about it.

It's hard to count.

They're so small.

Yeah.

We covered adapting to life as a farmer.

I wanted to ask you about how you feel now.

The coyotes killed my chickens.

What?

Yeah.

What?

Yeah. I'm not a good farmer.

Hey, hey,

don't blame yourself. Don't blame the victim.

The coyotes killed the chickens. They're little fucking sociopaths.

This show is very anti-coyote.

They killed all of them but Loretta. Loretta was the

lone survivor. It was Shania, Patsy,

Dolly, Loretta, June, and Anne.

And I loved them very much.

Loved them, I guess I should say. Loved them.
They're all dead now. Loretta's dead now, too.
I'm not a good farmer. I got two extra chickens to kind of keep Loretta company, and they pecked her to death.
What? I didn't know they did that, but I'm not a good farmer. Sorry about the coyotes.
I renamed them Manson and Bundy, the two nameless chickens. And then I was so mad because I loved Loretta so much I couldn't even really stand looking at them, so I just left the coop door open and they're dead now too.
Wow. Wow.
And the coyotes, you sort of worked with the coyotes then, it sounds more like you kind of let it happen. In the second case, yeah.
But not in the initial case. It was an unpredictable attack.
Right. They're smart, the coyotes.
They are. They're actually smart.
Yeah, they really are. They are.
They were able to determine that I was not home. That's when they saw the car, they saw the truck leave, and they came in when I wasn't there, and it was carnage for sure.
It was a bad situation. But I'm not trying to bring the mood down with all the dead animal stuff.
I mean, these people eat chicken. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
So it's like they can pretend to be sad, but it's not. I'm surprised they do.
Are you vegan? No, no, I'm not, but I figured here everybody was. Yeah, based on their attitude.
I want to ask you about how you feel now about this incredible Ebert and Roper review of Freddy Got Fingered. Oh, Ebert and Roper, yeah.
Yeah, you remember this? Even the pinch hitter guy, he hated it too. Roper, it was Ebert and Siskel.
Siskel. Then Siskel died.

He brought in another guy and he hated it too.

With Tom Green making David Spade

look like Jim Carrey and Jim Carrey

look like Laurence Olivier.

It's a vomitorium of a movie starring

Green as Gord, an obnoxious

retard who makes it his life's

work to freak out his dad,

play with teeth gnashing scorn by

Rip Torn. That's nice.
I love of all the things in my 30 year career that you could have played. It was the worst review I ever got.
In fact, does that bother you? No, no, I'm just thinking it's kind of interesting. We thought it was funny.
Yeah, no, it is funny for sure. If you're not me.
But I... No, no, it's fun because now, you know, Freddie Got Fingered was just inducted into the Criterion Collection.
Thank you very much. Was it really? Yes, it was.
Absolutely. Well, I just think that there was a certain...
I'm not making that up. I know it sounds like I probably am.
There was a certain kind of like stick up their nose to critics to a certain kind of comedy that we're all now nostalgic for. That's why we wanted to play it.
I'm just kidding. I understand it's funny.
I feel like you're not a guy that takes himself too seriously. That hasn't been your vibe.
No, I didn't cry for weeks after that review. Did Roper make you cry? Did the Cisco understudy Roper make you cry? Well, no, it was just, it wasn't a fun experience, though, getting that kind of feedback.
Because, you know, you work hard on a film, and I wrote that and directed it, and spent several years working, and then these assholes come out and shit all over it. Unix at the orgy, that's the old saying about critics.
Yeah, but it's okay. The thing is, it's okay.
It kind of was supposed to be a polarizing movie. Did anybody see it? Of course.
Yeah, see, like 11 people. These are millennials.
They've been long for the ride. It's still got an audience out there.
It's funny. It's amazing, actually, in the last

15 years or so, since

it came out 20-plus years ago,

but the last 10 years or so,

it's become something that people actually

come up to me and say that they actually liked it.

Huh. So it's pretty good.

I watch you

in a Canadian show where you have to not laugh.

Oh, yeah. And you're a killer on that show.

LOL Canada. Yeah, lots of fun.
Also on Prime

Video. Check that out.
It's actually, so it's a

show where a bunch of really funny people have to try

to make sure that you're a killer on that show. LOL Canada.
Yeah, lots of fun.

Also on Prime Video.

Check that out. It's actually,

so it's a show

where a bunch of

really funny people

have to try to make

each other laugh,

but if you laugh,

you get kicked out

of the room.

And you're just a,

you're a monster

on that show.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It was fun.

It was fun.

You just can't be stopped.

And you're so,

you have that kind of thing

where you're always funny.

Always.

Even right now.

It's right now.

That's magical. I appreciate it.
What a cool thing. Yeah.
And now you get to live with a mule. Yeah.
Always. Even right now.
It's right now. That's magical.

What a cool thing.

And now you get to live with a mule.

It's amazing. It was a fun show.

That show kind of led to

me doing these three shows on Prime that I directed

all three of the shows. And the last thing I directed was

Freddy Got Fingered, so you know these new shows are going to be good.

How many horse

penises are in these shows?

More than zero, I bet. All the animals are female now.
Oh, that's too bad. But we can get some penis in there for next season.
Wow, thank you. Thank you.
Now I'm excited. Now I'm excited for season two.
Oh, absolutely. You can't leave somewhere to go.
Right, to the horse penis. Yeah, we have somewhere to expand to.
Yeah. Horse cock for season two for John.
For season two. Yeah.
And you know what that sound means? You've been this famous comedian, wild-eyed comedian, and now you're this farmer. Yeah.
And all that goes along with that. Yeah, yeah.
And so we want to see if people have advice that they want to solicit from either version.

Absolutely.

From either version.

No problem.

I'm happy to take questions from the audience here.

So we welcome questions, and you could seek advice.

Maybe it's from the MTV chaos era pure id Tom Green or the older, wiser, more relaxed, kind of mule-centric Tom Green you see before you today.

Absolutely, yeah.

Raise your hand.

And Bill is out there. Take a couple questions.

Hi, what's your name? Amari.

Amari? Amari.

Amari. A-M-A-R-I.
A-M-A-R-I.

Yeah. If you could pick

one food from your farm to hoard

for the apocalypse, what would it be?

One food from the farm? That's a good question.

One food? A food from the farm

to hoard?

Well, I'm growing radishes and peaches and you know, but one food from the farm, probably the mule. Yeah.
Yeah, probably the mule. I just figured it'd be funnier to say I'd eat the mule than the radishes, right? So, no.
Would you ever eat the mule? I would never eat the mule, unless it really came to it. Well, so then the answer is yes.
Probably eat the donkey first. I'm not saying would you eat the mule.
I ride the mule, so she's sort of a... She does provide a good service for me.
I'd probably eat the donkey first, and then maybe work my way through Charlie and... No! No, we wouldn't do that.
I'm just kidding. Just kidding.
I'm just joking. I would never eat the dog.
Charlie would eat me. Charlie would eat me.
No, anyways, what a weird question you would ask. Come on, Amari.
Come on, Amari. Which animal would you eat first, you know? I can't believe you would ask me which animal I would eat first.
I mean, they're not food. They're pets.
I love them. No, no, I know.
That's not the question you asked. I'm just joking.
I'm just spinning it. What a weird question, Amari.
I don't grow a lot of fruit, but I do have fruit trees on the property. There is something nice to answer your question seriously.
There's something, I don't say it was the only reason I moved out to the country, but you can actually self-rely on yourself out there and grow food, and there's lots of fruit trees, and I have a garden, and if you needed to, you could survive quite nicely out there without groceries for probably indefinitely. Water comes out of the well in the ground, and there's something kind of, I don't know know it does feel actually kind of comforting in this day and age in these unpredictable times so yeah that is nice when um i started to think that a pandemic might be coming in february uh i did buy a lot of canned tuna yeah oh yeah and i didn't know what i guess i didn't i guess i thought that things could get really bad and i would like tuna more than i used to.
Yeah, yeah. It's just because it was a nice protein.
Right, right. A meat that was in a can that would be, yeah.
Yeah, I did that too. I stocked.
So that's kind of how I ended up moving back to Canada was I was here in LA and I started getting all the canned stuff and beans and non-perishable items. And I'd order my groceries on Instacart and I'd spray them down with Clorox bleach on the front lawn.
And then I'd stream that on Instagram so my fans and followers would be safe. It's always about content.
And then I'd read the comments and they'd say, you stupid Hollywood piece of garbage go back to Canada, bitch. And so I did.
I went back to Canada. Wow.
Maybe they were just saying kind of a fun gay way, like, bitch, go back to Canada. Maybe they were being playful.
That's how I would say it. Bitch, go back to Canada.
This person had a question. Hello there.
Hi. Actually, honestly, followed you for the last probably 25 years.
My oldest brother is a big fan of the Tom Green show.

My roommate's a huge fan.

Honestly, Freddy Got Fingered is one of the funniest movies ever.

Thank you so much. It's absolutely hilarious.

Thank you.

Appreciate it.

If you were ever given the chance to do a sequel, soft reboot, whatever,

what would you want to do?

Freddy Got Fisted.

Wow, you really raised the stakes in a sequel. Like how Speed 2 was on a boat.
what would you want to do? Freddy got fisted.

Wow, you really raised the stakes in a sequel.

Like how Speed 2 was on a boat. Kind of, you know.

You know, because you can't get off.

Exactly.

Well, you can and Freddy got fisted.

You can get right.

Nice.

This time you can get off.

What is the movie where you're kind of the narrator from the dorm? Road Trip. Road Trip.
The way you stole that movie and it was like there's this kind of vaguely normal romp going around and then you're out of your fucking mind. None of that couldn't have been written down.
You were just doing things in a room with a cage. I don't think I was supposed to put the mouse in my mouth right yeah that was not in the script but but there was a scene where I had to feed a mouse to a snake and it just sort of it crawled into my mouth on its own so because I was kind of dangling it and then it kind of crawled into my mouth and so I just figured oh well let's just go with with it.
You know, we're improvising. Yes and, rat.

But that was,

Todd Phillips directed that movie

who went over to do The Hangover

and Joker

and all these great movies,

old school.

So that was his first movie

and it was an exciting time.

So yeah.

I like that.

Absolutely.

Anybody else want to talk?

I don't think this is

what you're really going for

but I'm genuinely curious,

how did Loretta survive the initial slaughter? And then, but in the second part... Honestly, good question.
It's interesting. She was antisocial.
So the chickens would free range, and they would usually all stick together, but Loretta was kind of an outlier. She would go off on her own a lot, and I think that's what saved her.
I think the coyotes came in. They got all five of them, and she was over here on a fence post or something.
So just kind of next time you get invited to that party you don't want to go to. Just do what Loretta did and just stay on your own.
But yeah, she was generally kind of stuck to herself, and I think she was just in the right place at the right time. But then she was pecked to death by her new colleagues or whatever you call them.
Yes, absolutely, yes. So clearly was not standing alone at that point.
It's sweet to think of chickens that make eggs together as colleagues working towards the same goal. Do you think they have a Zoom where they're talking about if they're hitting their quotas? Was the question, how did that happen?

Or how did that occur?

Avoided the coyotes, but pecked to death by her

new friends?

Yeah, absolutely. It's Los Angeles.

Sounds like Loretta wasn't that great

of a hang.

Sometimes when you introduce

new chickens to

each other

when they're older, they don't get along. So they have to be all kind of grow up together and then they're a flock.
But when you bring in two new ones, they kill each other. My dad's had trouble making friends at his retirement community.
Yeah, it's exactly like that. Nice.
Wait, the coyotes were in LA or Canada? This was in Canada, yeah. Oh, okay.
Lots of coyotes and wolves and bears on the property up there. We have coyotes here.
Absolutely, yeah. They're a little scrawny down here.
The coyotes are healthier up in Canada. Lots of chickens to eat.
Lots of idiotic newbie farmers up there to come in and take advantage of. Did you learn anything from it that you would do differently? Yeah, because I do have new chickens now, and there was sort of some mistakes were made for sure.
Yeah. Clearly.
No, like I said, they do actually observe the property. The animals observe the property and knew that I was gone.
Isn't that interesting? I noticed this when I started seeing coyotes when when I moved to LA. I'm like, wow, the coyotes are genuinely wily.
Yeah. They are.
They're wily coyotes. Absolutely, absolutely.
You know, and they're smart. And other animals run away from people.
Yeah. You know, if you see a squirrel and a squirrel, the squirrel runs until it can't see anymore.
Yeah. Any other animals, they run away as far as they can.
Coyotes, they step back, but they're not, they don't need to run all the way away because they know that you're not going to chase them. They're smart, little fucking sociopaths.
So now, like, it's true. They are extremely intelligent.
So what I do is I leave the... First of all, if I know I'm going to be leaving that day, I don't let the chickens out.
So if I know I'm going to be gone for an extended period of time, I don't let the chickens out.

And then when I do have to leave while the chickens are out,

I might leave the radio on, playing some talk radio,

and then the coyotes feel that there might be some people around.

And maybe I'll play your podcast actually next time.

Oh, that'd be nice.

They'll probably come in though to sit around and listen.

It sounds like there's two people plus a small group.

They're not really laughing.

How do you think? cast actually next time. Oh, that'd be nice.
They'll probably come in though to sit around and listen. It sounds like there's two people plus a

small group. They're not really laughing.

How many are there? It's hard to

tell. It's between five and thirty

people.

Sometimes

it sounds like more. It usually sounds like

more people. Yeah.

Sounds good. Sounds like you're killing it

here tonight. This is awesome, man.
Yeah, really cool. Thanks for having me.
I like your dog. Thank you.
Isn't she good? Isn't she good? So we're on tour right now. So if you want to come see Charlie and I perform, we're actually going to be up in Colorado and we're actually traveling in a camper van and cruising out across the country and performing as we go and on our days off, going out into the wilderness, into the American Southwest and doing a lot of photography and videography for my YouTube channel.
So you can go check that out if you want to see Charlie and I sitting on a mountaintop somewhere. You can go look at hours and hours of that, which is quite exciting.
Everybody, you can watch Tom Green, I Got a Mule, Tom Green Country, and this is the Tom Green documentary, the three films we were just talking about, on Prime Video. Tom Green, everybody.
Thank you. Tom will be back for the rant.
When we come back, Nori Reed is feeling queer and spreading cheer. We'll be right back.
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Please welcome to the stage, your favorite trans-it girl in mind, the incredible Nori Reed.

Hi, hi. I'm not doing this.
Come on in. Nori Reed, everybody.
I'm doing this. Come on in.

Nori Reed, everybody.

Good to see you.

Hi.

Hi.

I don't know what questions you have, but I just want to talk about farm animals.

Do you?

Yeah.

You're from Kentucky.

I am.

Rural.

Yeah, rural.

So you've dealt with hogs and pigs and goats and turkeys and mules? And that's just the people. No, I rode horses growing up.
You did? I did. Oh, wow.
Yeah, so, no. I'd eat the horse.
I'm just kidding. You also have a new stand-up show here at Dynasty next month called Nori and Tien Fix the World.
Yes. All right, well, what's the plan? We wrote that title a few months ago.
And we could not at all anticipate how bad things would get. We originally were supposed to do it, but then the fires happened.
Right, right. So then it got pushed back.
And should we change the title? Is my question. I think it's more appropriate, more trenchant and appropriate than ever.
Okay, okay. The planes aren't safe anymore.
And we didn't think about that one. We didn't say in October, and then the planes won't be safe.
That wasn't one of the things we thought about at all. Never fucking came up.
Yeah, all the planes are going to bump. I will say, the way that the Toronto, the Delta plane landed was kind of queer.
No, for sure. It was kind of, you know, it kind of queered landing.
Yeah, for sure. Yeah, right.
It definitely, that plane served. It served.
It ate. It really ate.
That plane ate. That plane ate.
I also, like, look, I refuse to click on a single link about it because it's like I found out what I need to know from the single picture and the fact that nobody died. Those are the two facts.
The image and then nobody died. Any other detail

I don't really care to dive into.

So I just am stuck with what I'm imagining in my mind

was just like, obviously it's the

scariest fucking 30

seconds of your whole goddamn life because

you're upside down and

you're just not ready for that. No.

But what I keep thinking about is

there's the moment where you're upside down

and it's like,

it's seatbelt time, baby. Yeah.
Here we go. All I could think about is sometimes, you know, whenever they're like, put your seatbelt on and we're about to land.
Sometimes I'm just like, you know, like I sometimes I pretend to, but then I don't. I would have fucking died because I don't listen listen to the flight attendants.
What I'm obsessed with is the way in which even in an emergency, the brokenness of our society intercedes. I just know that the plane would be upside down.
Everybody is doing the, you're just hearing click. Click.
Sorry for that. You know, just like click.
I'm just, people just, they're upside down. And then they're just sort of, no one's, no one's practiced this.
Right. Just landing, however, getting fucked up.
Yeah. And then you look and you're like, somebody's, there's going to be, everyone's looking around to see is somebody else grabbing their laptop.
You know? Because I'm about to be stuck at Toronto for hours of interviews and where is my stuff and all the rest. I want my fucking laptop and my charger.
Where are those? They're in my bag. You're not supposed to take your bag.
And as we, now if the rule is nobody takes their bag, I'm happy to leave my bag. But the second one person grabs their bag in the emergency, then there's two categories, winners and suckers.

And I want my fucking bag.

So I'm looking around, and if anybody so much as touches their bag as we're walking on the ceiling of this plane to get out,

I am going to fucking lose it.

I am going to lose it.

And you know, there's going to be one guy with his guitar.

Just kind of like it's so big.

And he's just like, no, it's my dad's guitar.

And it's like, shut up.

Nora, you recently posted to your stories lamenting that just because you're a trans person,

you have to be functionally an activist instead of what you want to be, a comedian that tells jokes.

Yeah.

I agree with that, which is why we wanted to give us all a break with a twist on an old classic. We're calling Gay as in Happy News.
We here at Love It or Leave It are inundated with horrible stories every day. I walk by, so especially on Wednesdays and Thursdays, I'll walk by Hallie and Sarah's desk and they're writing the show.

And it looks as though they've seen the video in the ring.

And they have a certain number of time to get down what they've seen.

They have ghostly white expressions.

They're easily startled because they're reading the news for you know, for you and for me.

Say thank you.

So we wanted to do a segment dedicated to the fun, weird, silly, interesting, lighthearted

news stories that we used to be able to cover before the devil himself and his robot children

invaded the Oval Office.

Nori, you and I are going to trade off punchlines while everyone in the audience kicks back for a second and enjoys, and in between we say, ba-du-ba-ba-du-ba, yay news. Okay.
You know? All right, do you want to kick us off? Okay. A hungry baby seal was rescued from a street in Connecticut and sent to the aquarium in Mystic, Connecticut.
Nice. Yeah, well, they could tell the seal was hungry by how desperately he was trying to reheat Mudang's nachos.
Bad-up-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba's gone wrong, and then you're throwing on the, and burning. And burning.

The pilot and his son were ultimately able to be switched back into their real bodies by that old lady in the cave,

while having learned that being an adult is harder than it looks.

But so is being a kid. yay news

I'll be honest

Nori we did struggle to find enough good news for the whole segment

but those people survived so that's nice

and we did our best which is the only thing that matters

okay

here's one. Cynthia Erivo will star as Jesus in the musical Jesus Christ Superstar at the Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles.
Okay. So, buy your tickets now.
But remember, the first ten rows are in the splash zone. Wait, what? Buh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.
Yane News. Is there a splash zone in Jesus Christ Superstar? I don't know what it's about.
I don't understand, but is it because she's so talented? Well, so, okay, let's get into it.

Okay.

So originally there was going to be a joke.

There was something like, so watch as Cynthia turns water into wine and the seats of lesbian viewers into water.

Something about them all getting horny for Cynthia Erivo.

Yes.

But I couldn't crack it, as you can tell.

And so then I thought, oh, wouldn't it be funny

if Jesus Christ Superstar

was like a Gallagher show

where he got ponchos

in the first 10 rows,

unrelated to anything sexual,

just something that goes on

in the musical.

Because I don't know anything

about Jesus Christ Superstar.

And Andrew Lloyd Webber,

let's face it,

is kind of silly.

It's kind of silly,

these musicals by him.

So then I thought,

oh, that's funny.

And that was it.

That was the full extent of it. Okay, this one's not good either.
A week after Trump named himself the Kennedy Center chair, the center canceled its planned Pride concert from the Gay Men's Chorus of Washington, D.C. It's replaced by Elon Musk's Garage Band debuting their new album, Music to Play on Your Way Home from Family Court, with hits like That Bitch and You Can Pull Off That Hat.
Yay news. Oh, okay.
In other Cynthia Erivo news, this week, the Wicked Star was announced as this year's Tony's host in June.

The Tonys are this gay couple who were

supposed to stay with me. But

Cynthia's got a pull-out couch and lives close to Universal

Studios anyways.

Meanwhile, this year's

CMT Awards will once again host

the spread of COVID.

Okay, this one's bad too. The Trump administration erased the T and Q from LGBTQ on the website commemorating the Stonewall National Monument, which now only celebrates LGB history.
Not sure why they're called the feds, because they certainly aren't eating. I went to the Stonewall website just to check it out, and it was like, there was clearly just stuff that had been pulled down off the website, but then there was said, here, click here for a 15-part video series on the history of Stonewall.
I was like, how'd they manage to scrub that? You click on it, and because technically it's part of the national parks, it's just a squirrel saying that you've come to the wrong place. But, that squirrel, trans.
I will say this, it is possible for a few freaks inside the Trump administration to raise trans people from a website about New York, but it's worth remembering that Trump isn't the first would-be tyrant whose advisors try to make people afraid of trans and non-burying people. Here, look at this.
Okay. That is an image from the Maxims of Tahotep, who was a vizier to the pharaohs in Egypt over 4,000 years ago.
It is a warning about the seductive power of femboys. Over 2,000 years ago, Ovid's Metamorphoses had a poem about Can Caneus raised as a boy who undergoes a magical gender transition at the hands of Poseidon Ovid uses he him pronouns and that's not the only gender transition in that poem though it is very long there's a story of Ifis and there's a story of Lucapis news wait wait wait that sounds like look a piss like look a piss I thought we were just...
ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba- and sweet, admitting we were surprised at the pleasantness of them. Of course, the real test will be, how do they taste? Yay news! Hey, Nori, can I ask you a serious question? Yeah, of course.
How you doing? Fine. Okay.
How are you doing? I'm okay. I'm worried about the trans people.
Yeah, I mean, it's, uh, it's, it's, uh, it's, it's, it's, uh, it's a weird, weird time. Yeah.
Living in. We were, I went to, uh, Florida went to Florida to visit my parents and my sister and my brother-in-law and nephew and to go to Disney World, which is something that happens to me from time to time.
Now, the reason I bring that up is because we were in Florida, a state that famously has an anti-trans governor, my partner is trans and they're very nervous when we have to go through the airport and they need to go to the bathroom and it's like great, a bunch of people voted for Trump and now my partner has to be fucking nervous at the airport and because trans people are basically completely invisible in the world, they are not, they are represented as an object on the news. It's about a few people acting as though they're scared of trans people in the bathroom when nothing bad is happening.
But the daily experience of trans people is being afraid of things that actually do happen, which is people accusing them of being in the wrong bathroom when they're in public spaces. And so I was just seeing how you're doing.
Yeah, I mean, it is a really, really hard time for trans people. We're somehow always on the front lines of everything.
You know, Trump's first, one of his first executive actions was targeting the trans community. It happened so quickly.
And I don't know the outcomes. I don't know what faith to put in institutions and systems.
What I do have is faith in trans people and trans community. And we've always been here and we're never leaving.
And it doesn't matter the access that we have to healthcare institutions and things like that. It truly doesn't matter.
We will survive. We will exist.
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Trump is trying to ban cancer research and safe air travel,

but he hasn't come for gay comedy shows yet,

so enjoy it while less.

Crooked.com slash events.

Okay, please welcome Tom Green back to the stage.

Tom, come on in. Thank you, thank you.
All right, all right, all Alright, hello, hello I know I've gotten a bad rap as just another annoying albeit well-chiseled coastal elite but I can get down in the mud just as well as the rest of them and since both of my guests come from around them rural parts we're gonna take a sweet old gander what the fuck at this wheel and our trash. So what's hounding our hineys in a segment we're calling the round wheel.

Nice.

Kennedy.

I like that graphic.

That's good.

That's a good one.

That's a good one.

That's a really good one.

Spent a little more time on that one.

This one got more attention.

For sure.

For sure.

Kennedy, why don't you go on there?

I can't do it.

What the fuck? And give this a sweet little spin. Yuck.
Okay, I see. Okay.
It is Landon Nori. What's your rural rant? Oh, rural...
You with your beautiful back roads and the beautiful trees and all the beautiful animals.

How dare you, you rural area.

And how beautiful the sunsets are and the skies are.

Fuck you.

Yeah.

Nice.

Got them. That was good.
That was good. Got them.
They're they're dead you got them I like that let's spin it again oh it's that on Tom Green that's me what's your rant? About living in a rural area. If you'd like.

Not enough sushi. You know, I lived Ventura Boulevard adjacent for 20 years.
A lot of sushi there. And it's really hard to get some spicy tuna on crispy rice out there in the rural wilderness of Ontario.
I miss my spicy tuna on crispy rice. Lots of mosquitoes, lots of bugs, lots of insects and pigeons.
I don't go for crispy rice. I think it's better before it's crisped.
Yeah? Yeah, I've never been into it. I've never been into the spicy tuna crispy rice fad.
Okay. Never liked it.
Not enough toro sashimi. Would that strike a little more close to home? I'm just sharing.

No, I mean, I understand. Not enough yellowtail sashimi up there in the woods.

It's not that I didn't understand it.

I can relate to your experience by conveying it.

You go to sushi to get something raw, and then you get a spicy cooked rice.

It's just sort of not what, it's sort of anky.

But you can't get good sushi up there in Ontario?

Not really, no.

Not really.

Not in my neck of the woods.

We are out in the middle of nowhere, so there's not a katsuya out there. But the bears eat, they get the salmon.
That's true, that's true. And that's in a sense sushi.
Go direct to the source, yeah. You're right, this is a good point.
But I like, you know, you are right, I need to follow the bears around. They know where the sushi's at.
I used to be a speech writer.

I used to have a very serious job.

And we wrote a joke for President Obama about we were trying to simplify the government.

And so our way of doing it was not to unleash a fucking whacked out billionaire inside the fucking machine.

It was to kind of ask Congress for help.

Stupid us.

And so mistake.

Should have just done it from fucking put on a crown and been like, do it.

That's what the American people really want.

And cheaper eggs, which they cannot have.

But not allowed. No

cheaper eggs. Tax cuts for the rich.
Just go to my

website. I've got eggs for

half price. Half price.

Yeah. Tom Green eggs

dot XXX for some reason. Now

and we

so we were trying to make a joke about how

complicated the government could be. And so basically

the joke was that the Interior Department handles the salmon when they're in the freshwater. And the EPA handles the salmon when they're in the saltwater.
And you won't believe how complicated it gets once they're smoked. And it got about that response.
And it got that from Congress. It was during a State of the Union.
And it really fucking biffed. Want to know another joke that biffed? I'll tell you.
Is that true, though? The EPA is when they're in the salt water. It was interior when it was fresh, and it was might have been a different arm of the government.
The ocean. But it was one agency for the ocean and one agency when they were in the freshwater.
But those agencies found what we were saying too simplistic. So there's some way in which it was kind of too simplistic.
The other funny time was we were trying to cut some government spending, for what I don't remember. But we were talking about how there was an expensive program that required a huge expense to clean up milk if it had ever...
If a milk tanker crashed on the highway, you had to treat it like a chemical spill. And the joke we had said, hey, it's a real shame that taxpayers are crying over spilled milk.
And again, it did as well as that. But I tried to get a different joke in, which nobody wanted, and the joke was, how big of a problem can it be if you can clean it up with Oreos? It's a better joke.
But it was, I think, a little too kind of weird for the State of the Union. Yes.
Yeah. Why was it necessary to even talk about the milk spill in the State of the Union to begin with.
Politics. That's politics.

Things are a lot of other things that might be a little bit more important.

It was a little example of a bigger problem.

Yeah, yeah.

Is it really a chemical sort of spill?

No.

I think it was how it was true.

It was a kind of expensive boondoggle.

Yeah, yeah, I see.

The cleaning up milk, if it were to spill.

It was just an example of government excess that we recognized at the time.

And again, we tried to handle it through compromise and working with Congress, fools that we were. You just give a billionaire a chainsaw.
All right, let's spin it again. All right.
It has landed on my face. And my rural rant is I spent some time living in rural Connecticut during the pandemic, actually.
Nice. There was a moment in Los Angeles where there were fires.
And so you weren't allowed to be inside, but then you also weren't allowed to be outside. And that really broke my brain.
Right. And so I said, we're going to Connecticut, where my then partner's family lived.
And so we went to Connecticut for six months. And I'll tell you, the Starbucks was so far.
And so every morning I would borrow the keys and drive to the Starbucks. It was like 18 minutes each way.
And it was like, just make coffee here.

How?

You know, it's impossible.

French press.

Well, so they had a coffee machine, and I hated it.

I didn't like what came out of there.

And so I would just drive to the Starbucks.

Sometimes I'd mix it up because it was next door to a Dunkin' Donuts.

Right, right, right.

So I'd sometimes go there instead.

That was my rural experience.