All My Exes Live in Athens

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Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 Hello, Los Angeles.

Speaker 3 We did it.

Speaker 3 We made it to the end of the year.

Speaker 2 Welcome to Love It or Leave It.

Speaker 3 This

Speaker 3 is our last live show of the year. And when I look back at all the great jokes and segments this team team has put together, I just think we never really topped Jar Jar Dinks.

Speaker 3 Vance.

Speaker 3 That was our peak. We've got a phenomenal show for you tonight.
Margaret Show and Fortune Feemster are here.

Speaker 3 To rank the most American moments of 2024, Lunelle is here.

Speaker 3 To do whatever she wants, no matter what segment we had planned.

Speaker 3 Then we wrap it up with the most wonderful wheel of the year. But first, let's get into it.
What a week.

Speaker 3 On Tuesday, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer was asked whether he thought President Biden should issue preemptive pardons for members of the January 6th Committee and others Trump might go after, and seemed to suggest that Biden needn't bother.

Speaker 3 Look, the bottom line is we all know that Senator Schiff did a very, very good job on the hearings. He broke no laws whatsoever, and the truth stands for itself.
Wow, that must be nice to think about.

Speaker 3 I want to live in that society where the truth stands for itself. Sounds amazing.
Adam Schiff sleeping soundly in his bed, taking high-speed rail to visit the Museum of Female Presidents.

Speaker 3 Schiff said much the same at the same press conference, telling reporters, I don't think the incoming president should be threatening his political opponents with jail time, nor do I think that a pardon is necessary for members of the January 6th Committee.

Speaker 3 This puts Biden in a weird spot. When someone says no gifts, do they really mean no gifts?

Speaker 3 Or are you going to look like a moron when you show up empty-handed and cash patella's frog-marching Anthony Fauci and Jack Smith down Pennsylvania Avenue in full clown makeup?

Speaker 3 Pardons are like umbrellas and guns. Better to have one and not need it than need one, not have it.

Speaker 3 Benny Thompson, who chaired the committee, on the other hand, said on Thursday that he'd take a pardon.

Speaker 4 You know, Mr. President, it's his prerogative.
If he offers it to me or other members of the committee,

Speaker 4 I think I would accept it, but it's his choice.

Speaker 2 Huh.

Speaker 3 Trying to put my finger on the difference between Benny Thompson, who doesn't believe the truth always speaks for itself in America, and Adam Schiff and Chuck Schumer, trying to pinpoint what their experiences might be that would teach them to maybe take the fucking pardon.

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 3 I want you to know something. If I was on the January 6th committee, I'd be saying, give me the fucking pardon, Joe.

Speaker 3 Oh, it gives Donald Trump a talking point? Okay. I'm so sad that Donald Trump has a talking point while I'm sleeping at home with my family.

Speaker 3 Meanwhile, GOP Senator Joni Ernst appears to have yielded to a MAGA pressure campaign to support Pete Hegseth's nomination to be Secretary of Defense.

Speaker 3 But would he even be Pete Hegseth if a woman said no and he didn't hear a maybe?

Speaker 3 Meanwhile, CNN posted a Ben Shapiro interview Pete Hagseth gave in June, in which he criticized the end of Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

Speaker 5 Now you just have the absurdity of I have two mommies and I'm so proud to show them that I can wear the uniform too. So it's just like everything else the Marxists and the leftists have done.

Speaker 5 At first it was camouflaged nicely and now they're just open about it.

Speaker 3 Gays in the military, calling your boyfriend your boyfriend instead of your roommate, the Bo and Yang renaissance on SNL. It's like, what happened to not rubbing it in our faces?

Speaker 3 Hagseth, of all people, shouldn't be casting scorn on people with two mommies. He has the one who writes emails about what a piece of shit he is and the one that defends him on Fox News.

Speaker 3 On Tuesday, Trump announced on True Social that he had selected Kimberly Guilfoyle to serve as ambassador to Greece.

Speaker 3 Many have mocked this appointment, but that's unfair. This is a former Fox News personality.
She has spent years looking at the ruins of ancient faces and pretending to think they're beautiful.

Speaker 3 The announcement came amid rumors that Guilfoyle and her fiancé, Don Jr., had broken up with the Daily Mail publishing photos of Don Jr. holding hands with Palm Beach socialite Bettina Anderson.

Speaker 3 Look, breakups are hard. Sometimes you wait because you don't trust your own judgment.

Speaker 3 You worry you can't tell the difference between a person not being right and a person, like all people, not being perfect.

Speaker 3 That you have unrealistic expectations of relationships, that you apply your ambition, your vaguely capitalist and technocratic tilt towards efficiency and maximization, to the unquantifiable sublime of affinity and companionship, while knowing on a deeper level that any relationship will require compromise and involve frustration, not only for you, but for the partner whose love can only be real and lasting if they see your flaws alongside your gifts and choose the bargain anyway.

Speaker 3 But because of your toxic combination of arrogance and deep self-loathing, you find it hard to imagine anyone you deem worthy finding that bargain to be one worth making.

Speaker 3 And so you can only foresee alienating relationships built on the fragile deception of hiding parts of yourself until the truth ultimately dooms your hopes of happiness, or a life of loneliness as you slowly lose the capacity to open yourself to love in the first place.

Speaker 3 And then your dad is like, what if we just sent that bitch to Greece?

Speaker 2 On Thursday.

Speaker 3 It's just a hypothetical.

Speaker 2 On Thursday.

Speaker 3 The Daily Beast published previously reported details of a sexual harassment claim made against Guilfoyle in 2018 by her former assistant, including one particularly upsetting instance in which Guilfoyle allegedly attempted to get her assistants to give her a massage on her exposed thighs.

Speaker 2 This is my fight, song. Take back my life song.

Speaker 3 RFK Jr.

Speaker 3 reportedly began a push this week to get his daughter-in-law and former campaign manager Amaryllis Fox Kennedy named deputy director of the CIA, a position that does not require Senate approval.

Speaker 3 Somebody's getting greedy. Defluoridating the water is your treat for endorsing Trump.
You get one treat.

Speaker 3 Whatever. What's one more Kennedy at this point? Put Jack Schlossberg in front of the post office, see if I give a fuck.

Speaker 3 Fox Kennedy worked at the CIA for over a decade, detailing that chapter of her career in a 2019 memoir titled Life Undercover, Coming of Age in the CIA. So good news, she can keep a secret.

Speaker 3 According to Axios, and this is real, RFK Jr. wants more Kennedy members at the intelligence agency because he hopes to prove the CIA assassinated his uncle, JFK.

Speaker 3 And honestly, great. Focus on that.

Speaker 3 Rather that where his attention goes than vaccine approvals. How did Lee Harvey Oswald get back into the country after defecting to the the Soviet Union? And what was Jack Ruby's whole deal?

Speaker 3 Give him hell, Bobby, Elon and Vivek, approve his red string budget and let the man cook.

Speaker 3 President Biden on Thursday commuted the sentences of nearly 1,500 people who were released from prison into home confinement during the pandemic and pardoned 39 people convicted of nonviolent crimes.

Speaker 3 Biden should have just slipped Hunter Biden in with that big stack of names. Then he could be like, I pardon two.
Oh, would you look at that?

Speaker 3 There's so many names didn't even notice.

Speaker 3 That marks the largest number of commutations in one day by any U.S.

Speaker 3 president until he fully clears out the 5,000 bloodthirsty inhabitants of Colorado's Supermax woke trans prison on his last day in office. Oh, God, I've said too much.

Speaker 3 Speaking of flying free, federal wildlife officials this week proposed that monarch butterflies be classified as threatened and receive federal protection.

Speaker 3 No, for sure, protect the butterflies first, said a jumpy Liz Cheney.

Speaker 3 Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell tripped and fell after Senate Republicans' weekly lunch on Tuesday.

Speaker 3 Hey, did it hurt when you fell after the

Speaker 3 Senate Republicans' weekly lunch?

Speaker 3 A McConnell spokesperson said in a statement, Leader McConnell sustained a minor cut to the face and sprained his wrist.

Speaker 3 He has been cleared to resume his schedule as Fiero in the touring production of Wicked, now at the Pantages.

Speaker 3 Speaking of Wicked Drama Queens, Luigi Mangioni, the suspect in the murder of United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson, has opted to fight his extradition from Pennsylvania to New York. Can you blame him?

Speaker 3 It's not safe there. Dudes are getting gunned down in the street.

Speaker 3 By way of explanation, Mangione had this to say about the shooting.

Speaker 2 Don't bother touching my spaghetti. No, that's

Speaker 3 not allowed. Can't possibly be allowed.
These anti-Italian jokes, right? Put it in the comments. Is it allowed? I don't think so.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's fine.

Speaker 3 Meanwhile, the internet has exploded with merch inspired by the killer, from t-shirts and mugs to Christmas ornaments and fake bullets that read deny, defend, depose.

Speaker 3 Look, I find this all pretty gross.

Speaker 3 A lot of people bravely posting to prove how radical and broken they are while fortunate to live in a world where crimes like this are rare and shocking because a disordered and chaotic and violent society is one that causes people to turn inward and one that benefits fascists.

Speaker 3 And if you enter the code Love It at checkout, you'll get 20%

Speaker 2 off

Speaker 3 and free shipping.

Speaker 2 What the fuck?

Speaker 2 Prove that.

Speaker 3 In an interview with HuffPo, Elizabeth Warren condemned the shooting, but added, the visceral response from people across the country who feel cheated, ripped off, and threatened by the vile practices of their insurance companies should be a warning to everyone in the healthcare system.

Speaker 3 Damn, Liz, about to create big structural change and some kneecaps.

Speaker 3 Send the Massachusetts Senator, violence is never the answer, but people can only be pushed so far. She said that last part after backing her Subaru into a shopping cart.

Speaker 3 And someone neglected to return at the target, but it applies here. Warren later clarified her comments in a statement to Politico: violence is never the answer.
Period.

Speaker 3 I should have been much clearer that there is never a justification for murder. So if you were hoping for the rise of a menopausal Batman, the way continues.

Speaker 3 Bernie Sanders told Jacobin on Thursday, it goes without saying that killing anybody, this guy happened to be a father of two kids, you don't kill people, it's abhorrent. I condemn it wholeheartedly.

Speaker 3 It was a terrible act.

Speaker 3 But what it did show online is that many, many people are furious at the health insurance companies who make huge profits, denying them and their families the health care that they desperately need.

Speaker 3 We are not going to reform the healthcare system by killing people.

Speaker 3 The way we are going to bring about the kind of fundamental changes we need in healthcare is, in fact, by a political movement which understands the government has got to represent all of us, not just the 1%.

Speaker 3 Bernie and Warren are trying to do something tricky, harness a wave of populist anger without condoning the violent crime that brought it to national focus.

Speaker 3 Look, I don't condone what the ham burglar does, but he has reminded all of us that the McRib is back.

Speaker 3 And that's the conversation we needed to have.

Speaker 3 Speaking of angry Italians, New Jersey residents have reportedly spotted dozens of mystery drones flying overheads since last month to the bafflement of government officials.

Speaker 3 Tonight, an aerial mystery that's been described as unnerving is growing. The FBI now investigating multiple reports of unidentified drones flying over New Jersey, some as large as a small car.
Yikes.

Speaker 3 It'd be scary if it were happening somewhere important.

Speaker 3 Jeff Bezos assures the public that they were just witnessing the natural migration pattern of Amazon drones flying south for the winter after Cyber Monday.

Speaker 3 In fact, federal investigators said they don't know whom the drones belong to, but that they don't don't believe they pose a threat. Very reassuring, team.

Speaker 3 We have no idea who sent these drones or why they're here, but it's probably fine. Of course it's probably fine.

Speaker 3 We have to throw away toothpaste at the airport because of a foiled plot 20 years ago. You don't get to do it's probably fine.

Speaker 3 New Jersey Congressman Jeff VanDrew suggested Iran might be responsible and called for the drones to be shot down.

Speaker 3 Said the Congressman, the time to act on this information is now before the threat escalates any further.

Speaker 3 Whether this is a foreign adversary or even just a group of drone hobbyists, we cannot allow unidentified drones to operate freely in our airspace with no consequences. And you know what?

Speaker 3 Honestly, I'm in. Fuck it.
Shoot them down. It's enough with the drones.
What's the worst that could happen? New Jersey's biggest nerd is a little sadder than usual.

Speaker 3 Speaking of New Jersey-based nerds, Democratic Congressman Josh Gottheimer, who's running for governor of New Jersey, has admitted to posting a fake Spotify rap list composed entirely of Bruce Brinkstein songs.

Speaker 3 What's next? Is Gabbaghoul not actually his favorite work snack?

Speaker 3 Said Godheimer, this would be my Spotify rapped if I didn't share my account with my 12 and 15-year-old kids.

Speaker 3 Look, I was surprised as anyone to discover that mixed in with Beyonce and Muna and Taylor Swift and Carol King and Bonnie Ver, my number one song of the year, and this is real, I'm gonna tell you,

Speaker 3 was Billie Joel's You're Always a Woman to Me.

Speaker 3 It's genuinely baffling. It's not a great song.
It's not even one of my favorite Billy Joel songs. I think it got in there because it must pop up in a lot of different 70s and classic rock playlists.

Speaker 3 And I think it appears in a Fleetwood Mac

Speaker 3 mix, right?

Speaker 3 So when I, ever I put on Fleetwood Mac, I get fucking You're Always a Woman to Me.

Speaker 3 And now it's my number one song of the year.

Speaker 3 But this year, I also began a relationship with a trans non-binary person, which means my number one song of the year, You're Always a Woman to Me,

Speaker 3 means my Spotify rapped is like a fucking J.K.

Speaker 2 Rowling hate cry.

Speaker 3 And you don't see me blaming my children.

Speaker 2 Because I don't have any.

Speaker 3 Speaking of oldies but goodies, Dick Van Dyke said his neighbors had to rescue him from this week's wildfire in malibu said van dyke i almost made it out of the house on my own but then that damn ottoman

Speaker 3 said the 98 year old tv legend who turns 99 tomorrow this is this is real i was trying to crawl to the car i had exhausted myself i couldn't get up three neighbors came and carried me out and came back and put out a little fire in the guest house and saved me the neighbors hesitated at first pointing out no no no he does this

Speaker 3 He pretends to fall, but then he springs up and starts doing a little dance.

Speaker 3 You tried. You really tried this time, Jimmy, but I will outlive you, you son of a bitch.

Speaker 3 I'm going to win this, continued Van Dyke, referring to President Jimmy Carter and holding up one of two remaining keys

Speaker 3 he keeps around his neck. Weird.
First of all, too close of a call for Dick Van Dyke. Who's not looking in on Dick Van Dyke? The fuck?

Speaker 3 Where was that 75-year-old son of his?

Speaker 3 He has a very old son.

Speaker 3 Speaking of clinging to life,

Speaker 3 a Pennsylvania couple who got divorced nearly 50 years ago will get remarried this weekend at ages 94 and 89, respectively.

Speaker 3 They divorced in 1975 and would not answer questions as to why it did not work out the first time, though the groom did say, she was the first love of my life, I never thought I'd get her back.

Speaker 3 They They both went on to have other marriages and both of their spouses died, freeing up the couple for a romantic rekindling. Which is your signal from the universe.
Text that ex.

Speaker 3 To celebrate, the pair are honeymooning in Corfu. Oh, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 Coffin.

Speaker 3 And it says, here, it's a coffin. I hope they're happy.
And finally, Ryan Bourguard.

Speaker 2 I love that name.

Speaker 3 And you know what? We like the name and it never plays. When we say the name, it makes us laugh every time it does nothing in the crowd

Speaker 3 oh yeah maybe that's right so if you just so you all know let's set that up b o r

Speaker 3 b o r j g w a r d t okay now that's in your minds

Speaker 3 and finally ryan borgwart

Speaker 3 it does work it is you got to see it that's so funny that's so funny

Speaker 3 The Wisconsin kayaker who faked his own death and seemingly fled to Eastern Europe to escape his marriage has voluntarily returned to the U.S. after four months and is now in custody.

Speaker 3 And yeah, by custody, we do mean monogamy, am I right, fellas?

Speaker 3 Green Lake County Sheriff Mark Podahl said that Bourguard, who began communicating, see,

Speaker 3 they just had to see it on their minds, who began communicating with authorities last month, came back on his own because of his family.

Speaker 3 Said Bourguard in his own statement, No, seriously, guys, I'm mad as she.

Speaker 3 Here's my favorite moment of the whole saga.

Speaker 6 Brian Borgard told authorities he really didn't think they'd look for him that long.

Speaker 3 Let that be a lesson for all of us. No matter how small or insignificant you feel, you are more important to this world than you know.
They put divers in the lake. Also, your wife is fucking pissed.

Speaker 3 All right, up next, it's America's finest rankers. It's Margaret Cho and Fortune Fiebster.

Speaker 3 We'll be right back.

Speaker 2 Hey, don't go anywhere.

Speaker 3 There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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Speaker 2 And we're back.

Speaker 3 Please welcome to the stage,

Speaker 3 the incredible Margaret Show and the hilarious Fortune Fiendster.

Speaker 2 Hi.

Speaker 3 Oh, you're coming from

Speaker 3 both directions. Got a dawn

Speaker 3 wherever you want.

Speaker 3 So good to see you both.

Speaker 2 It's so good to see you. Good to see you.

Speaker 3 Wow, what a year, huh?

Speaker 2 Oh, good times.

Speaker 3 It's good to see that dog again, too.

Speaker 8 This dog, we were both, John and I were also on the Out 100 red carpet last night. So she really worked the red carpet.
And so

Speaker 8 she's like a little bit tired, but she got on the front page of some.

Speaker 8 She got more coverage than me. The only reason that they took photos of me is because she was with me.
Well, she's adorable.

Speaker 2 So I'm bringing her everywhere.

Speaker 3 I don't do red carpets, and I don't know how to stand when I'm on them, but you were ahead of me, and I took a few pictures, and then people stopped to talk to you.

Speaker 3 You started before me, but there was so much more interest in you that I walked behind you and was gone while you were still very much engaged. You were a bit of a diversion for me to get out safely.

Speaker 8 But you,

Speaker 8 I was really turning my head because to me, you're the real celebrity. So I wanted to see you, and you had a lovely petticoat on that I wanted to see fully and take a photo with you also.

Speaker 3 I had a nice skirt on because it was gay.

Speaker 2 It was very gay.

Speaker 3 And they can't take that from us. Not till January 20th.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 8 we have now

Speaker 8 until January 19th. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We're going to be so gay until then.

Speaker 8 And then we're going to be.

Speaker 2 And then I'll get a husband. Yeah, we'll get straight.
We're straight. We're going to be straight.

Speaker 3 Fortune, let's make this deal.

Speaker 3 If we don't meet someone by January 21st,

Speaker 2 you'll be my husband.

Speaker 2 Perfect.

Speaker 8 That's perfect.

Speaker 2 Just don't wear that skirt. You'll get us both in trouble.

Speaker 2 That's funny.

Speaker 2 We did it.

Speaker 3 Another year in the books. Unfortunately, this year, this book was the necronomicon.

Speaker 3 But still, from orca's attacking Yance to Jennifer Lopez having to cancel her tour because no one wanted to go, it was one for the ages.

Speaker 3 While it was chaos all over this great, beautiful globe of ours, America in particular had a long and lengthy chapter in the book of 2024.

Speaker 3 But what will future generations remember about this very demure, very mindful time?

Speaker 3 Let's decide together as we blind rank the 10 most American moments of 2024 in a segment we're calling, I hear America Ranking.

Speaker 2 Cute.

Speaker 3 I am going to name an event that happened in the last calendar year, and you will blind rank it on a scale from 10 to 1, with 10 being the least American and 1 being the most American thing that happened in this year.

Speaker 3 What does it mean to be more or less American? Well, that's up to you to decide as an American. That's the beauty of America.

Speaker 3 It could mean whatever you want it to mean, but I think there's a vibe, a gestalt to it. You know what I'm saying? Do you say Gestalt or Gestalt?

Speaker 2 Gestalt. Gestalt.

Speaker 3 Do you do like the Schü, like it's very German, Gestalt?

Speaker 8 I don't think you have to pronounce the whole thing. I think you do Gestalt.

Speaker 3 It's enough. I had a math professor that would say Einstein.

Speaker 2 Oh! It's very cool. Wow.

Speaker 2 I love these tiny arms of mine. Look at them.

Speaker 2 Raptor-like.

Speaker 8 Yeah, it's very baby-coated. You're

Speaker 2 a Rubick. I'm a baby.
Holding a flag. Yeah.

Speaker 3 First up, we have Tom Cruise skydiving into the closing ceremony of the Paris Olympics. I think we have a clip.

Speaker 2 Oh, Oh my God.

Speaker 2 Let's go.

Speaker 2 Ten's very American?

Speaker 3 No, 10 is the least American. One is the most American.

Speaker 2 I would say that's a pretty, that's one.

Speaker 2 You want to spend your one? Yeah,

Speaker 2 he's like, I'm so American, I'm taking over this whole event.

Speaker 2 That's very American. Like, look at me.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 In a way, like, the Revolutionary War was a war between England and France that we really made about ourselves. Yeah.

Speaker 3 You know, when you think about it.

Speaker 8 Yeah. But will he come out as gay on the 19th?

Speaker 8 No.

Speaker 2 You think

Speaker 8 we're all going to reverse? I feel like this is like, I totally forgot about this. I mean, it was so unmemorable that I would say it would be 10.

Speaker 2 Okay. Wow, wow.

Speaker 3 Maybe we split the difference and call it a five.

Speaker 2 Okay. Sure.
Let's call it a five.

Speaker 3 Let's call it a five. I'm gonna put that right here.
Five.

Speaker 2 Tom

Speaker 2 Cruise

Speaker 3 not gay.

Speaker 3 Just for now, just for the lawyers, just for the now, for the lawyers. Next up, the rise and fall of Hoctua.

Speaker 3 In

Speaker 3 June of this year, 22-year-old Haley Welch told a man on the street interview that men love it when you give them that Hoctua and spit on that thing.

Speaker 3 Since then, Welsh has launched a podcast, a dating app, and a crypto coin, the value of which collapsed within hours just last week. That is some American shit.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's pretty American. Yeah.

Speaker 3 A rise and fall.

Speaker 2 We love a good rise and fall.

Speaker 8 But the fall is so monumental because she actually scammed people out of millions.

Speaker 3 That's what it seems like, right?

Speaker 3 I don't know the details, but it seems like anyone who was stupid enough to buy that coin probably deserved it, I think.

Speaker 2 Yes, yeah. I gave it a three.

Speaker 8 It's up there. Yeah.
It's up there because of the hawk too. You got to spit on that thing, and then it becoming merch right away.

Speaker 2 All about that. Have you ever spit?

Speaker 2 Have you ever?

Speaker 2 Have you ever?

Speaker 2 I'm not. No, I'm not.

Speaker 8 I know. Very no.

Speaker 2 Hawk.

Speaker 2 How do you even spell Haktua? H-A-W-K-A-W. Oh, H-A-W.

Speaker 3 Hawk-Tua.

Speaker 2 Hoctua.

Speaker 3 Hoctua Crypto. Number three.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 Next up, we have Mu Dang correctly picking Donald Trump as our future president.

Speaker 3 I think

Speaker 3 a foreign pachyderm getting something right is as un-American as it gets.

Speaker 3 The prediction was correct. and accurate.

Speaker 3 The animal is still alive. Those are things that that's not what we do here.

Speaker 2 So, like a nine?

Speaker 8 Yeah, I think a nine, just because also it was news that we didn't want to hear, because at that point, we still had so much hope.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 8 You know, we had so much,

Speaker 8 we were not going back at that point.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 Remember when we weren't going to go back?

Speaker 3 Arrogant hippo, number nine.

Speaker 3 Yeah, remember, yeah, we weren't going back.

Speaker 2 And we were.

Speaker 2 We're going back so hard. We're going back.

Speaker 3 Never if you, we are going back. Our belief that we were going forward and the speed with which we were going back,

Speaker 3 we are like an old person who the keys should be taken away from

Speaker 3 who is just looking dead ahead, shifting the car and drive, and just backing right into the house.

Speaker 3 Which is basically what Joe Biden did to the country.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 3 This is that pole vaulter's humongous wiener ruining his dreams of Olympus Gold.

Speaker 2 He was French

Speaker 3 but Anthony Amarati was all of us that day when his

Speaker 3 hopefully his giant penis knocked the bar out of place

Speaker 2 Yeah, we do have the clip

Speaker 2 That's a salute right there. Yeah.

Speaker 3 No cyber truck for that guy. That's

Speaker 2 us?

Speaker 2 All of us cheering on a wiener feels very American.

Speaker 8 I think this was real. I feel like this was number one for me.
You know, this was really.

Speaker 8 I was really celebrating this.

Speaker 8 You know.

Speaker 2 I just want to support Margaret and Wieners. So yeah, why not? Let's give it

Speaker 2 number one.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 3 Applauding.

Speaker 2 Wieners.

Speaker 3 A penis.

Speaker 2 Or a penis.

Speaker 3 Or dashing hopes.

Speaker 3 That is American.

Speaker 3 You're right about that. You're right about that.

Speaker 2 It's a feel-good story.

Speaker 2 And we need to feel good right now.

Speaker 3 The president of South Korea declared martial law, backtracks, and then apologizes.

Speaker 3 South Korean president declares martial law for six hours, only for the country's parliament to vote down his declaration because they were able to hop over the barriers because they simply weren't high enough.

Speaker 3 Then he apologized for the whole thing.

Speaker 3 I don't know. There's something, even though obviously this took place in South Korea, it does have a vaguely American vibe.

Speaker 2 He's like, my bad.

Speaker 8 Yeah, like really fast, really fast. I mean, I really love the way that South Korea protests, where they were just like, no way, no, you're not doing that.

Speaker 8 And it was so inspiring. And I hope that we can do the same.

Speaker 3 Yeah, not really us on that score. Yeah.
Maybe it has to go a bit lower. I know.

Speaker 2 We can't agree on anything.

Speaker 8 I know. But this was inspiring to me because it was just like, it was overnight.
It was over before the morning and it was just beautiful.

Speaker 3 So a seven.

Speaker 2 Hopeful. It's not very good.
Seven. Hopeful.
Stopping a coup. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Seven.

Speaker 3 Next up, Charlie XCX setting the tone for 2024.

Speaker 3 presidential campaigns by tweeting Kamala is brat. Brat.
I always say brat.

Speaker 2 God, kill me. Christ.

Speaker 3 Gestalt. Gestalt.
Kamala is brat. Remember that? Remember when Kamala was brat?

Speaker 3 Now the Brat's on our faces.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 8 She's still Brat. I still love her.
I'm still grateful for what she did. And I'm just, I hope that she makes a lot of money on the speaker circuit.
I think she's doing great.

Speaker 2 I love her.

Speaker 8 Doesn't change, you know, doesn't change how I feel about her after what happened. It wasn't her fault that we have a really racist, misogynist country, and people are unwilling to look at that.
But

Speaker 8 she is Brat, and I love it.

Speaker 2 And what is Brattle?

Speaker 2 Brat is like an attitude, it's a lifestyle.

Speaker 8 It's like when you go out with no panties on.

Speaker 2 That's Brad.

Speaker 2 But also,

Speaker 2 Brad. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 8 It's Brad.

Speaker 2 Outside with no panties on. Yeah.
You know.

Speaker 8 But also

Speaker 8 could really meaningfully and well lead a country. Yeah.

Speaker 2 With no panties on.

Speaker 8 You know, or with panties, but with panties, but also with compassion.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Is that American compassion?

Speaker 3 I think it feels like a six to me at this.

Speaker 2 I guess so. Yeah, six.

Speaker 3 Six. Kamala is Bratch.

Speaker 3 What a time that was. Taylor Swift at any point during the year for any reason.
Subcategories could be

Speaker 3 Travis Kelsey, the ongoing

Speaker 3 romance, tortured poets' department, the Errors tour being the biggest tour of all time, making $2 billion.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 8 And also, that she gave $159 billion to her workers, people who were driving, people who were taking care of everything behind the scenes to make this tour so successful.

Speaker 8 Like, she is a billionaire that gives back,

Speaker 8 which is such a great example. That's rare.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and not very American.

Speaker 3 The making $2 billion off of your fans does feel American.

Speaker 3 Finding ways to monetize every

Speaker 2 up there. I think think so too.
Two. Wanna do two? Let's do two.
Two? Yeah. Taylor.
She probably beats the wiener, but we all love wiener.

Speaker 2 We're going to erase it.

Speaker 3 Next up,

Speaker 3 we have New York, Washington Square Park welcoming the first annual Timothy Chalamy Celebrity Look-Alike Contest.

Speaker 8 I love this. I love that the look-alike contest.
They also had one for Dev Pratell, and then they had one for

Speaker 8 before we knew his name, Luigi Mangioni.

Speaker 2 Which they have a lot of them. Harriet Styles,

Speaker 2 Glenn Powell, E. Can I do Slater? Here's the thing.

Speaker 3 There's no governing body for these look-alike contests. There's no organizing.
There's no league.

Speaker 3 There's no controls. Like anyone could just, anyone could make.
You could do a look-alike contest anytime you want. There's no one in charge of this.

Speaker 3 I don't think the judging is particularly fair.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you just gather outside of a coffee shop in Brooklyn and vote, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Well, I know. I wish that was America.
That's true.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. If only.

Speaker 8 If only.

Speaker 8 I like it. I like the anarchy of it, but also the hilarity of it.

Speaker 8 I think it's great. I would say four.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay. Four.

Speaker 2 Timmy.

Speaker 3 Timmy. Look alike.

Speaker 3 A bunch of twinks in Washington Square Park. Next up, our taste buds getting blown out by Oreo-flavored Coke and Coke-flavored Oreos.

Speaker 3 This should have gone higher. This should have gone higher.

Speaker 2 We blew it.

Speaker 2 We blew it. We only have eight.
That's pretty American, though. I know.
I know.

Speaker 3 We only have eight. Eight or ten.

Speaker 2 We gotta put sugar on, sugar on, sugar.

Speaker 8 I think this is

Speaker 8 an eight.

Speaker 2 I know it's got it with an eight.

Speaker 8 As high as we could go. I mean, this is ridiculous, but I mean, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Honestly, I think it's more American than a French penis.

Speaker 2 That's true.

Speaker 2 It's like, let's be unhealthy.

Speaker 3 What can you do?

Speaker 2 Enjoy that before

Speaker 2 RFK.

Speaker 8 is

Speaker 8 gonna get rid of it.

Speaker 2 He's gonna get rid of it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, basically, basically, if we anyone gay out there, just if you're gay and you like fucking disgusting Oreos,

Speaker 3 this is your rum spring.

Speaker 2 You got three weeks,

Speaker 2 go to fucking town.

Speaker 3 It's just

Speaker 3 it's just Oreos and cocks

Speaker 3 till the inauguration. That's all.

Speaker 8 Just get as much cream filling in you as you can.

Speaker 2 Really? Yes.

Speaker 2 Get it.

Speaker 2 Double stuff.

Speaker 2 Come on, come on, come on!

Speaker 2 Fucking the best. All right.

Speaker 3 Next up.

Speaker 3 And finally, this interview from Wicked's press tour.

Speaker 6 I've seen

Speaker 6 this week people are taking the lyrics of Defying Gravity and really holding space with that and feeling power in that.

Speaker 2 I didn't know that that was happening.

Speaker 6 I've seen it, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's

Speaker 2 really powerful.

Speaker 2 That's why I wanted.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Tap, tap, tap.

Speaker 2 I didn't know that was happening.

Speaker 6 I've seen it on a couple posts.

Speaker 2 I don't know how it was. It's the best.

Speaker 2 All right, we can't take any more of it.

Speaker 2 Did you talk? I talked to her last night. I talked to her last night.

Speaker 2 Tracy, she's amazing.

Speaker 3 She's very cool. She was wandering around the At 100 like the fucking Pope.

Speaker 2 She got like a Mac beauty commercial. I know, it's awesome.

Speaker 3 It's awesome. Yeah.
I wish we could move it higher.

Speaker 2 I know. How can we do that?

Speaker 3 Especially because now she's making bank on us.

Speaker 8 Right.

Speaker 8 But she's very impactful. So I'm grateful for that.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we like that. We like that.

Speaker 2 She's the least American just because we've run out of space.

Speaker 3 Holding space.

Speaker 2 Well, holding space. Because we didn't hold space.

Speaker 3 We didn't hold space for holding space.

Speaker 3 Wow. Well, these are our final rankings.
We have 10 holding space. We have nine that arrogant fucking hippo.

Speaker 3 We have eight Oreos that tastes like Coke and Coke that tastes like Oreos. We have seven

Speaker 2 stopping a coup.

Speaker 3 Six, Kamala is brat. Five, Tom Cruise is not gay, but he is at the Olympics.
Four, the Timothy Chalamet look-alike contest. Three, Haktua, the boom and bust, the rise and fall.

Speaker 3 Which sort of actually, when you think about it,

Speaker 3 tracks from her original thing. Right, right, right.
You know?

Speaker 3 Talking about penises. And

Speaker 3 two,

Speaker 3 oh, Taylor making $2 billion,

Speaker 3 but not giving $150 of it away, because that's not American.

Speaker 8 No, but that's very

Speaker 2 good.

Speaker 8 It's where we want America to go.

Speaker 3 Yeah. And then one,

Speaker 3 a penis being applauded for dashing a French man's dreams.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Now,

Speaker 3 before we move on, so Margaret, you have a single out now and you have an album out. Or coming, an album that's coming.
That's right.

Speaker 8 I have a single out. It's called Lucky Gift.
And I have an album coming out on February 14th called Lucky Gift. And it's songs that I've been writing for the last 10 years.
So it's very exciting.

Speaker 8 It's like,

Speaker 8 what do comedians do when we sing and play music? But it's not necessarily comedy music. It's like real

Speaker 2 actual music.

Speaker 3 I don't think people know that you record music.

Speaker 8 I'm a singer and I'm multi-instrumentalist.

Speaker 2 So yes, so I play.

Speaker 8 I make this record and I'm very proud of it.

Speaker 9 That's so cool. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I sometimes sing, but to myself, I could, I was realizing that I can

Speaker 3 only sing songs from Wicked as either Hugh Jackman or Russell Crowe from Les Miz. Oh, so the only way that I can really get it together is

Speaker 3 something has changed within me.

Speaker 2 That's it.

Speaker 2 That was good.

Speaker 2 That kind of a thing. That is really good.
Something is not the same.

Speaker 2 More. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Obviously, the theater, every part of me wants to sing more.

Speaker 3 Fortune, your new special. It's so funny.

Speaker 2 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Crushing It on Netflix. It came out very recently, and I'm super proud of it.
Wore a pink suit.

Speaker 2 So yeah, check it out. People loved it.
Thank you.

Speaker 3 Thank you to Margaret and Fortune. Stream Margaret's new single, Lucky Gift Now.
Check out Fortune special, Crushing It on Netflix. Next up, it's Lunel's show now.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 And we're back.

Speaker 3 Please welcome to the stage, the real host of Love or to Leave It. It's Lunel.

Speaker 2 Hi, hi.

Speaker 2 Nice to meet you wherever you want. Do we really need this mic?

Speaker 3 It's only 60 of us. Well, it's for the podcast.
It's for the podcast. Oh, that part.

Speaker 2 Hello.

Speaker 3 It's a.

Speaker 3 You're right. It is a, it's a, It's an intimate venue.

Speaker 3 It's lovely.

Speaker 3 But as you know, even though on some level, I don't believe, even though this is your third appearance, you yet know what this is.

Speaker 2 I don't care. I'd just like to hang out with you.

Speaker 2 Can I explain what it took for me to be here today? Please. Ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 2 I got accidentally drunk last night.

Speaker 2 No, I wasn't supposed to get drunk. I went, my daughter and I went and met with my friend actor Ving Raines

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 his lady friend, who I introduced him to.

Speaker 2 And we went to Vibrato last night, very Herb Alpert's club, very jazzy, Beverly Glenn, very posh.

Speaker 2 So I go up there and I'm going to be cutesy, demure, mindful.

Speaker 2 And I just eat the clam chowder and the salad. Well, I should have had more food.

Speaker 2 Number one. I knocked back three vodka grapefruits and that was fine.
Me and my daughter get in the car. We smoke a joint.
Where should we go now? Let's go to the four seasons.

Speaker 2 Go to the four seasons, knock back a couple more drinks and...

Speaker 3 How's the clam chowder there?

Speaker 2 I didn't have any clam chowder in the four seasons.

Speaker 2 But the clam chowder bibrato was pretty good. So I have a couple of drinks, meet some guys, they buy some more drinks, right? So I get fucked up.
I'm not driving. I don't care.
I go home, lay down.

Speaker 2 Then I wake up this morning and I throw on my clothes. I am brat, by the way.

Speaker 3 Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 2 I go to the fucking nail shop, my toes in my nails done. Then I go to the fucking dentist, sleep in the chair, snoring in her face, mouth open.

Speaker 2 go to the dentist, get my teeth clean. Then I go to get a mammogram,

Speaker 2 leave my bra at the hospital,

Speaker 2 and I'm still hungover from fucking last night.

Speaker 2 So I'm literally drunk, and I have a no bra, no panties.

Speaker 2 No lipstick, no makeup. I usually am cuter than this when I come to see you.

Speaker 3 I'm sorry, you're straight from a mammogram to this event

Speaker 2 and left my bra.

Speaker 2 I'm drunk, y'all. I'm sorry.

Speaker 3 Well, I think, look, on a day when you have to go to the dentist and get a mammogram, why not be a little bit drunk?

Speaker 2 Well, the only thing left is a colonoscomy, and I'll be sick.

Speaker 3 It'd be great if they could do this at the same time.

Speaker 3 A drunk mammogram and colonoscopy at the same time?

Speaker 2 It's like, that would be dinner for you.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't matter.

Speaker 3 No high five for me.

Speaker 2 Okay, what's going on? Okay.

Speaker 3 Now,

Speaker 3 it's the end of the year. I have no takes left, but I know that you do, which is why we're going to ask you about the hottest headlines of the week in a segment we're calling Lou Neldit.

Speaker 2 Oh, look at us.

Speaker 3 Look at us together.

Speaker 2 We're cute.

Speaker 2 That's not me.

Speaker 3 No, it's just you.

Speaker 2 That's just my head. I don't wear no shit like that.

Speaker 3 No, it's just our body. It's not our bodies.

Speaker 3 That's not my body either.

Speaker 2 That's just our face. I'm like, it looks like my mother's shirt.
What the fuck is that?

Speaker 2 Shit.

Speaker 2 And my titties are bigger than that, too.

Speaker 3 So, honestly, so are mine.

Speaker 3 This week, United Healthcare CEO, murderer, and postmodern heart to rob fuck Luigi Mangioni was a resident at McDonald's in Altoona, Pennsylvania. Una, what is your McDonald's order?

Speaker 2 Egg McMuffin, sausage egg McMuffin with jelly, extra hash brown. Wow.
That's all I eat at McDonald's. That and a fish.

Speaker 2 Are you a fish fillet person?

Speaker 2 I don't know what the fuck that really is, but

Speaker 3 you like it too, Kennedy. Kennedy, you're a fish filet person? I am a fish fillet person.
Wow. You never know who's going to be a fish fillet person.

Speaker 2 You never know.

Speaker 3 You never know who's going to be. Is it because of Lent? Is it a Catholic thing?

Speaker 2 It's not even fish, babe.

Speaker 2 It just looks like fish. It does? So I'll take it.

Speaker 2 It's not real fish.

Speaker 2 It's not fish, babe. It's not.
It's not fish.

Speaker 3 Babe, it's not fish. They put a slice of American cheese on there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's what kicks it.

Speaker 2 That fucking cheese. And you got to get extra tartar sauce.
So that bitch just slides out the bun.

Speaker 2 You eat your fish your way. I'll eat my fish my way.

Speaker 3 Sometimes on my way to work, I will go to McDonald's drive-thru and I'll get a McDouble and I'll say, no ketchup, no mustard, because then you can safely eat it while driving without fear

Speaker 3 of the consequences.

Speaker 2 I'm dry as fuck.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I know, I know.

Speaker 2 I'm a sauce girl. I got to have sauces.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm a dipper, all that shit.

Speaker 3 Okay. What's your dipping sauce for McNuggets?

Speaker 2 I don't eat McNuggets. I only eat fucking two things.
I told you.

Speaker 2 Sorry.

Speaker 3 I just thought once. You're right.

Speaker 3 I know. I imagine that maybe that was.

Speaker 2 Are we in the same room? We are. You're right.

Speaker 3 I listened. I know that that's what you said.
I thought maybe occasionally you and you dabble in McNuggets.

Speaker 2 Because that's not real chicken either.

Speaker 3 Oh, okay.

Speaker 3 Michael Pollan over here.

Speaker 2 Oprah.

Speaker 3 Oprah officially relaunched her book club on her new podcast, The Oprah Podcast, with the novel Small Things Like These from Irish author Claire Keegan.

Speaker 3 You're going to read the Oprah books?

Speaker 2 I'm waiting to see if Oprah shows up on Andy's Diddy tapes before I go any further.

Speaker 2 I'll read that motherfucking book. That's the book I don't know.

Speaker 3 Well, before we get Drone Strike from Mendocino, we just want to be clear, there's no evidence of that.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Do you think we should blame Oprah for giving a platform to people like Dr. Phil and Dr.
Oz?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 What's wrong with Dr. Phil and Dr.
Oz?

Speaker 3 I knew it. I knew it.
Oh, they don't like him. They don't like him.
Well, Dr. Oz, because now he's going to be...
What did they give him? Social Security Administration? He's very Republican now. Oh.

Speaker 3 And Dr. Phil, Dr.
Phil.

Speaker 2 Is he?

Speaker 2 That's unfortunate.

Speaker 3 Wisconsin.

Speaker 2 I didn't get that way until I got all that motherfucking money.

Speaker 3 Well, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I didn't want to be in the tax bracket.

Speaker 3 Isn't that the story?

Speaker 3 Wisconsin husband and father of three Ryan Bourguard faked his own death.

Speaker 3 He faked his own death

Speaker 3 in a pretend kayak sitting accident earlier this year. He was

Speaker 3 that's his name. Borguard.

Speaker 2 Borgwart. Is that a real name?

Speaker 3 It is. It is.

Speaker 2 It is.

Speaker 3 If you had to fake your own death, how would you do it?

Speaker 2 I think I did it last night.

Speaker 2 After fucking four seasons, I think I faked my own death last night.

Speaker 2 What a night. Just a Wednesday night.
I'm so

Speaker 2 wasted right now.

Speaker 2 No, because, you know, if you don't sleep and get and sleep, you're drunk out.

Speaker 2 If you wake up too soon, you're still drunk.

Speaker 2 And that's me. And then water don't help.
It's supposed to help. It makes you drunk again.

Speaker 2 I need to go. I'm going to bed.
Then I had to come fucking Silverlake. And these.

Speaker 2 no,

Speaker 2 because I forgot that we're not at the theater no more. And I'm like, oh, shit, what the fuck? I thought my GPS was fucking with me.
And I'm like, wait, Hyperion is way. And I'm driving,

Speaker 2 I had to come to Beverly Hills for the mammogram. So I come to Wiltshire.
It turns into a fucking whatever fuck street.

Speaker 2 And I'm driving, driving, driving. And it's a restaurant driving.
Plus, I don't drive. I'm not fucking LL Cool J.
I don't drive at night with sunglasses on.

Speaker 2 But I had these on earlier and I never got back home to get my nighttime glasses, which is just as good because my eyes are fucking bloodshot anyway.

Speaker 2 So I hope I make it home. I might have to get a room.

Speaker 3 Okay, let's make sure. Hey, we're going to make sure Lunel gets home.
All right. We'll take care of it.

Speaker 2 Take care of it.

Speaker 3 New Jersey.

Speaker 2 Hey, maybe I didn't want to come to your house. Wouldn't that be a guest? You're welcome.
You're welcome. Wake up next to me, baby.
Yeah, I mean, well.

Speaker 3 yeah, or the guest room, whatever. But the.

Speaker 3 Yeah, same bed, two beds, whatever you want. Whatever makes you feel comfortable.

Speaker 2 Twinsies. Twinsies?

Speaker 3 Twinsies. We will sleep.
We'll sleep back to back, head to foot. What do you think?

Speaker 2 I'm spooning. All right.

Speaker 2 Are you big spoon or little spoon?

Speaker 2 I'm the big spoon. I'm in titties in your back.
That's what it is. Wow.

Speaker 3 That's exciting. That's exciting.
That's exciting.

Speaker 2 I know a lot of people would like to be in that position.

Speaker 3 No, I know. I know.
I know. I know.
All right.

Speaker 2 All right. All right.

Speaker 3 And you know what that sound means? It's time for the white hot white man lightning round.

Speaker 2 Why am I in this?

Speaker 3 It's because.

Speaker 2 Fortune!

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 3 We wanted you to.

Speaker 2 Never mind, Fortune, girl. It's okay, girl.
It's okay.

Speaker 3 All right, Fortune, stay.

Speaker 2 You have to stay now. Right on.

Speaker 2 Right on fucking time. All right.

Speaker 3 Fortune, you're joining. Basically,

Speaker 3 it's a lightning round segment where we're going to show you a white man, and you'll have to decide if they're hot and if they're good or evil.

Speaker 2 Oh, good. Next up, my specialty.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 First up. Yeah, mine too.

Speaker 3 First up, we have Andrew Garfield.

Speaker 2 You can't say who it is. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 3 Most recently, appearing in the romantic comedy We Live in Time with Florence Pugh. It's actor.
Oh, what am I supposed to say who it is?

Speaker 2 You just say first up. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 We're calling reinforcers.

Speaker 2 Oh, yes. Okay, I remember.

Speaker 2 Okay, you're right. I remember.
You just have to say, if he's hot or not.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Sorry, guys.

Speaker 3 I got pretty drunk last night, and I had a...

Speaker 2 Are you with me?

Speaker 3 I had an endoscopy.

Speaker 3 They got me coming and going. All right.
First up, is this man White Hot? And do you think he's good or evil?

Speaker 2 I think he's fucking hot. Yeah, hot.
And I hope he's evil.

Speaker 2 Because that makes him a little hotter.

Speaker 3 We think he's probably good. Here he is explaining grief to Elmo on Sesame Street.

Speaker 2 Aw. You know, Elmo always feels really sad when he misses somebody.
Oh, yeah, me too. Me too.

Speaker 2 But you know, that sadness, it's kind of a gift. It's kind of a lovely thing to feel.

Speaker 2 Oh. Wow.
But a freak in the sheets, am I right?

Speaker 3 Next up, is this white man hot? And do you think he's good or evil?

Speaker 2 Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 2 Oh, no. That's little Ted Bundy.
And

Speaker 2 Not fucking with him. Not hot.

Speaker 2 Very evil.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I agree. Yeah.

Speaker 2 If I didn't know what he did,

Speaker 2 but that's how he got to benches because he looks so normal. Yeah, but he's mean.
He's mean. Interesting.
He's a killer.

Speaker 3 Next up, is this man hot? And do you think he's good or evil?

Speaker 2 Not hot.

Speaker 2 And I don't give a fuck if he's good.

Speaker 3 Fortune?

Speaker 3 I don't. Who is this? Oh, it's Pope John Paul II.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 3 We got real papists on the ones and twos, just assuming he's good.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's really good. That don't mean he's good.

Speaker 2 Fair.

Speaker 2 You know, there's a lot of people. There's a lot of not good shit going on with the Catholic Catholic Church.

Speaker 3 So that's one to take home and think about.

Speaker 2 Yeah, everyone think about that.

Speaker 3 We're going to all think about that one.

Speaker 3 Next up, are these men hunt and are they good or evil?

Speaker 2 Linnell, would you hit it?

Speaker 2 That one.

Speaker 2 The curly-haired one.

Speaker 2 But not the bald-headed one.

Speaker 3 Oh, because that's a wig. That's a wig.

Speaker 2 I know, it's a wig.

Speaker 3 Wow, that is a wig.

Speaker 2 That is a wig. Sal Peppa likes the bald-headed one.
Oh, she does? Yeah, you remember that? Which one? Salt and shoot. That shoot song?

Speaker 2 Not you, the bald-headed one. Yeah, no, I know the song, of course.

Speaker 2 I know who salt and pepper are.

Speaker 2 Moving on, because okay, so do you think they should fucking get out?

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. We have hold on, sis.

Speaker 2 A house, a house divided.

Speaker 2 Hold on. If they,

Speaker 2 okay, they murdered their parents. And hold on.
God damn it.

Speaker 2 They murdered their parents in the most brutal way. I understand you've been sexually dying.
Your daddy and your mama let it happen. Okay.

Speaker 2 They didn't grieve for a fucking minute. They went and bought Rolexes.
They got bitches. They got hotels.
They bought sports cars.

Speaker 2 Uh-uh. No.

Speaker 2 No. They were where the fuck they need to be, and that's where the fuck they need to be.
Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Eat shit, you Gasconites.

Speaker 2 Thank you guys for calling me out here.

Speaker 3 Next up, is this person Hunt?

Speaker 2 And good or evil?

Speaker 2 I think he's hot. I think he's cute.

Speaker 3 I think he's cute. Come on.
He's cute. Hey, guys.

Speaker 2 He sings so good. He's cute.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 I'm not with it.

Speaker 2 Him, Carrot Top, all them gingers. I don't.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 I don't fuck around. Wow.

Speaker 2 He's weird looking.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. She's sorry.

Speaker 3 You can't handle the truth.

Speaker 2 Can't handle the truth. I like him.
I like him. Me too.

Speaker 3 Yeah, me too.

Speaker 2 I think he's okay, so what cute.

Speaker 2 What do you know about men? Oh, well, no, the stories I can't. I can tell.

Speaker 2 Listen, and don't talk to me about my 70s in the 70s, bitch, you know.

Speaker 3 Any redheads then?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Jeff Giannoni, if you're out there anywhere, I still love you, baby. Wow.

Speaker 2 We went to school together. He was a ginger, and he's fine.
He's going to be fine as fuck and grew to be a fireman. And I love, I love, I love fireman.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. I love Fireman.
It's a fetish. What if one of the Menendez brothers had been a Fireman?

Speaker 2 All right,

Speaker 3 let's leave it there.

Speaker 3 Thank you, Fortune, for jumping in.

Speaker 2 They're not.

Speaker 2 They're not. Thank you to Lunell.

Speaker 3 Lunel is heading to Oakland's Paramount Theater on December 27th. Yes.
And it's a show you don't want to miss. When we're back, it's the season for renting.

Speaker 2 That ain't what I want to talk about. What do you want to talk about? I have a residency in Las Vegas.

Speaker 2 I'm coming. I've been there for five years at Jimmy Kimmel's Comedy Club every Sunday and Monday night at 9.30.
But I'm taking January, February off because mama needs some rest.

Speaker 3 All right, I'm going to see you in March. I'm going to see you in March.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Don't go anywhere.

Speaker 3 Love it or leave it.

Speaker 2 There's more on the way.

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Speaker 2 And we're back.

Speaker 2 We're back.

Speaker 3 Two notes, we just dropped new Love It or Leave It It LA shows for 2025.

Speaker 3 I'll be taking the stage for a new season of the show that dares guests from Danny DeVito to Amy Klobuchar to ask, what is this? And where am I?

Speaker 3 And this season, we have some big guests and surprising conversations. You won't find any of us.
We're making some changes to the show. All right, we're pretty excited about it.

Speaker 2 Oh, I want to come back when you make the changes. Yeah, you will.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we're going to make some changes.

Speaker 3 All right. Now I feel like my tits in a vice.
All right. So

Speaker 3 that's a mammogram joke.

Speaker 3 So, head to cricket.com/slash events to see the show, to

Speaker 3 grab tickets for the live show. And you can see all the vaguely cancelable stuff we edit out.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 3 Also, oh my God, there's so much promotion.

Speaker 2 You're good, baby. My mouth's been beating.
I just realized the Salt Peppa song is not bald-headed one. It's bow-legged one.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Anyway, I'm glad I got that in.

Speaker 2 Someone's Someone's lyric for it. Is it ball headed or bowlegged? It's bowlegged.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 I could not rest until we got that out. Clearly.

Speaker 3 Thank you for sharing that and feeling and making sure that

Speaker 3 just said this was at the end of a promo for our YouTube page. Go to crooked.com/slash videos.
All right, please welcome Margaret Cho back to the stage. Yeah, Margaret!

Speaker 3 The holidays are here, and despite what every $7 Holland Mark card would have you believe, not all was Merry and Bright.

Speaker 3 To vent all of our frustrations with travel and the family and the eggnog that you try every year, even though you know you hate it, we're playing a special holiday edition of The Rant Wheel.

Speaker 3 Margaret Fortune Lunel, are you ready?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 To the wheel.

Speaker 2 Look at me on the wheel.

Speaker 8 He looks cute.

Speaker 3 It has landed on Lunau. What's something you want to rant about about the holidays?

Speaker 2 House guests are overrated

Speaker 2 because there's so much shit that you have to put back together when they leave.

Speaker 2 The fucking towels, the fucking sheets, and all the dishes, and people want to help, and then they put shit and you don't know where the fuck it is.

Speaker 2 What happened to my this? Well, this doesn't go there and all that kind of stuff. and people leave shit and then they want you to mail it to them and all that

Speaker 2 i had bunch of house guests for thanksgiving it was great until it wasn't

Speaker 2 yeah yeah here here yeah

Speaker 3 um because they all listen i loved every moment that my family was in town for thanksgiving

Speaker 2 and wouldn't trade any second of it i wish it had been longer why don't my family come to your motherfucking house next thanksgiving

Speaker 3 we'll see what you say after that honestly yeah that's a fun Thanksgiving.

Speaker 2 That's a fun Thanksgiving. You would love it.
The food. It's good.
They look better than yours. Okay.

Speaker 3 I mean, it's probably true, but

Speaker 2 it's still a cruel thing. We don't have ambrosia.
We don't.

Speaker 2 Ambrosia. Ambrosia.
I eat that fucking shit. I don't.

Speaker 2 No, I know. Nobody eats that shit, do you? No.

Speaker 8 Ambrosia. Have you ever had Watergate salad?

Speaker 8 Yeah, Watergate salad. It's like pistachio pudding mix with almonds and marshmallows.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, honey. I don't do marshmallows anyway.

Speaker 8 And canned pineapple.

Speaker 9 Oh, no, thanks.

Speaker 8 It's like a kind of a weird bastard cousin of ambrosia.

Speaker 8 It's like so nasty.

Speaker 2 If anything can be worse than ambrosia, I don't.

Speaker 11 It's so weird.

Speaker 2 That's how you do it.

Speaker 8 White people just make weird food.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we have to do it.

Speaker 2 We had fruitcake and that was some kind of slave delicacy bullshit. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. I don't fuck with either.
No.

Speaker 9 No good. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Next.

Speaker 2 Let's spin it again.

Speaker 2 Next.

Speaker 2 Margaret.

Speaker 8 Landed on Margaret. Okay, well, this is not exactly holiday related, but the Menendez defense did not include the fact that they were relentlessly abused by their father, sexually and otherwise,

Speaker 8 for their entire lives.

Speaker 8 So the fact is they did not get a

Speaker 8 fair trial initially. So that's my argument with it.
So, and they have served their time.

Speaker 8 But if they had properly had the evidence had been properly disclosed, then I think, you know, whatever would have happened, it would have been fair. But they did not have a fair trial.

Speaker 8 So no matter what they did, they were not fairly...

Speaker 2 Crime me a fucking river for every black person who has not had a fair trial who blocked the fuck up.

Speaker 8 Well, that needs to be rectified as well.

Speaker 2 It's a problem with our family.

Speaker 2 About the rich motherfuckers shooting their mom in the motherfucking face. I don't care.
They could have got in their Maserati and ran away.

Speaker 8 No, you're right. You're right.
But also, the entire justice system is flawed. Well, truly.

Speaker 8 It takes so long for it to be rectified.

Speaker 2 As a formerly incarcerated bitch, I know about this.

Speaker 8 Of course, of course.

Speaker 2 I'm just here to listen and learn.

Speaker 2 Quit being such a fucking goody, goody fortune.

Speaker 2 All right, let's

Speaker 3 spin it. You want to do your holiday one?

Speaker 8 I don't like Eggnon.

Speaker 2 Oh, you don't like Eggnon?

Speaker 2 Pennsylvania Dutch has a good one, though. Is it good? Okay, Fortune Europe.
Fortune Europe.

Speaker 2 The holidays.

Speaker 2 So we're ranting about what we don't like about the holidays?

Speaker 3 If you'd like, you can choose something you do like about the holidays. You do whatever you want.

Speaker 2 That's not

Speaker 2 we're playing.

Speaker 2 No, not about something.

Speaker 2 I don't like having to buy presents on particular, like for particular reasons on a particular day, including the holidays.

Speaker 2 If I see something that I know someone will like at some point, I just want to get it then, but I don't want to feel obliged to buy it on a day.

Speaker 2 So that's my

Speaker 2 rant.

Speaker 2 I still want a fucking present on that day. All right.

Speaker 3 You two are on the opposite sides of so many things.

Speaker 2 Well, we love each other, but

Speaker 2 we all cool. We all friends.
We've been friends a long time.

Speaker 2 We have known each other a long time. No, Valley, Minnesota.
Everyone hold each other.

Speaker 8 We've known each other since the end of the day.

Speaker 2 Hold each other. Thank you.

Speaker 8 We're holding space for our friendship, even though we have different opinions about things.

Speaker 2 What I love for sure.

Speaker 3 What I love, I was thinking about this show and just about how unpredictable that you're three incredible comedians and so different from each other.

Speaker 3 I don't think we've ever had three people as good or as different as the three of you on this stage at the same time.

Speaker 2 It was very exciting.

Speaker 3 So excited, so fun. So fun to be.
I feel like a guest. Thank you.

Speaker 2 And women. Happy, pew, pew, pew, happy.

Speaker 3 You're right. I should have said woman comedian.

Speaker 2 See, now they don't take the same.

Speaker 3 I missed the, I forgot. You're right.

Speaker 3 Thank you for pointing out my mistake. Take the fight.

Speaker 3 So here's my

Speaker 2 humble request. Hey, Magic.
I'm going to stop on you.

Speaker 2 Who's up, black girl? Over there? No, that's you. Who's that?

Speaker 2 MC Light.

Speaker 2 It's a different person.

Speaker 3 It's a different person.

Speaker 2 Here's my humble request.

Speaker 3 Presents.

Speaker 2 Great.

Speaker 3 We love them. They should not need to be wrapped.
It's nice. It's a bonus.
No wrapping. It's stupid.
It's stupid. What are we doing? What are we doing? Why are we wrapping? Takes away from what?

Speaker 3 The 10 seconds between seeing it and opening it?

Speaker 2 But then you look under the tree and you know what everything is before you.

Speaker 3 Jewish, no tree. Never seen a tree.

Speaker 3 Put them, if you want to hide, if you want to hide where the presents are, put them in a bag or put them in a closet. You can walk them from another place.

Speaker 2 All Bob thing does.

Speaker 3 It's not a humbug thing. Love the gifts.
Love the whole idea.

Speaker 3 It is a bit of packaging that exists for one stupid moment from before the box is in your line of sight

Speaker 2 until the moment after you have opened it.

Speaker 2 It is.

Speaker 3 It's a wonderful, like Harry Potter, a wonderful thing for children, weird for adults to obsess about.

Speaker 3 Wrap the gifts for kids. For children, great.
For adults, a shopping bag or a door is a great way to hide what you're getting. And then you say, I got you something wonderful.
Here it is.

Speaker 3 They're fucking headphones.

Speaker 2 You can tell because it says headphones on the box.

Speaker 2 If you get a new car.

Speaker 2 If you get a new car, you don't want a bow on it.

Speaker 3 Okay, if I get a new car, put a fucking bow on it.

Speaker 2 but what i want to know is what was the applause about from the jewish community about no tree no gifts what is that i don't i'm not jewish i don't understand

Speaker 3 we're tired of the christmas we're tired of the the the christmas hegemony the christmas

Speaker 3 at my office and fortune has to go at my office at my office on before thanksgiving they it become a christmas fucking wonderland and as i do every year the day the christmas decorations come out i go to the manager of the office complex and i say lovely to see the Christmas decorations.

Speaker 3 Would love to see my fucking menorah. She says the same thing.
She goes, I know, I know, I know. I'll get the menorah.
And then what happens?

Speaker 3 A fucking winter wonderland of Christmas fucking goesha nonsense and the tiniest menorah on the corner.

Speaker 3 A big tree, a deer, a bow, a song, and then a fucking tiny little plastic target menorah sitting on the goddamn corner. We've had enough.

Speaker 2 You don't have to rap together. Thank you.
Okay, okay.

Speaker 2 i am here to listen and learn

Speaker 2 well i got you beat because i gotta go okay bye bye fortune

Speaker 3 fortune themes for everybody bye you guys

Speaker 2 you know

Speaker 2 There's a place that you can go and look at lights like some place you can drive through it was a COVID thing. Yeah, yeah, you could drive through and go look at lights.

Speaker 2 They had a big shit shit show of Christmas lights. Then they had the tiny menorah and a teeny, teeny, winny little Kwanzaa.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the teeny, tiny, tiny Kwanzaa. Kwanzaa doesn't get any love compared to.
So get off the pity pot, Jewish community.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Something they're famously receptive to.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 3 All right. When we come back,

Speaker 3 one last joyride.

Speaker 2 And we're back.

Speaker 3 As we know, we'd like to end these shows now with just a small moment of joy that was fun or distracting from the news. Betsy, I believe you have one.

Speaker 11 My joyride is part this week and the rest of the year. For this week, my joyride is I saw my oncologist and she gave me a clean bill of health.

Speaker 2 Amen.

Speaker 2 Fuck cancer. That was part of it.

Speaker 11 The rest for this year, I was able to lose the 60 pounds I gained during chemo.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 7 And fuck cancer.

Speaker 7 And I spent the day baking for people I love.

Speaker 11 And I want to thank John and the entire crew for the great shows. I look forward to seeing everyone next year for crazy, fucked up four years that we have to live through.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 3 What a great show. What a year.
See you all in the new year. That is our show.
Thank you to Margaret Cho. Thank you to Lunel.
Thank you to Fortune Feemster. There are 689 days until the 2026 midterms.

Speaker 3 Have a great night.

Speaker 2 Happy holidays and see you in the new year.

Speaker 2 Love it or leave it.

Speaker 3 Love it or Leave It is a crooked media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett and Lee Eisenberg.
Kendra James is our executive producer. Chris Lord is our producer.

Speaker 3 And Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer, Sarah Lazarus and Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, Will Miles, and Mohanad El-Shiki are our writers.

Speaker 3 Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglund and Charlotte Landis provide audio support.
Stephen Cologne is our audio engineer. And Milo Kim is our videographer.

Speaker 3 Our theme song is written and performed by SureSure. Thanks to our designer Bernardo Serna for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast.

Speaker 3 And to our digital producers, David Toles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week so you can.

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