Ep 524 - Tricker Treat (feat. Steve Gerben & Chris O'Connor)

Wow, wow, Wes. And we're starting now.
Hello, everybody. We're back.
The three of us. I guess McKeever couldn't make it.
No, he's working like crazy. Busy as hell.
Yeah, he's extreme. I don't know how he's doing, what he's doing.
No. He's doing a little bit of everything.
He's now at that point where he can't get to. There's always somebody that needs something.
Yeah, which that could be trouble. Because then you're going to have to handle a lot.
Oh, God. Dwight's true.
And then Dwight gets his dick sucked constantly and he becomes the boss and is really cool and everyone thinks he's cool I did a cool thing I went and got a mask made oh shit yeah for the show I got fucking silicone put on nice for when I blow your fucking head off exactly Exactly. I wanted him to give me a Terminator eye.
How was it? That sucks. It wasn't that bad.
It was kind of nice. Also, my dad wound up being 10 minutes away.
They pulled my dad out of retirement. What do you mean? Yeah, my dad retired from engineering.
Oh, and he's working. Yeah, he's working today.
So you got to see your father. Yeah, yeah.
I got to have a little meal with him, which was nice. We ate hot dogs.
You and your dad ate hot dogs? Yeah, yeah. We shared a hot dog.
Yeah, it was nice. And some cheese curds.
Talked about minor league, or not minor league, but like youth league hockey for a little bit. Talked about kids and ate hot dogs? That's a good day.
It's a great day. Where'd you guys eat? The park? No, we went to this place called Destination Dog.
You went to a hot dog specific restaurant? Yeah, yeah. That's nice.
Yeah, it was great. I'm not a big dog guy.
No, these are good hot dogs. I fucking hate hot dogs.
Me too, what do you mean? I just hate, obviously I'm munching. Yeah.
I'll grow up with the best, but hot dogs, I just fucking hate hot dogs. No, good hot.
They're disgusting. Well, they are, of course.
You're a terrible ally in this. You literally.
You eat fucking chicken fingers. No.
Which, by the way, chicken fingers obviously rule. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it's more grilled chicken and rice and broccoli now. My diet affects how I feel.
Of course. Yeah.
Yeah. So are you bulking up or is there a strategy? Okay.
Yeah. I did think, because I started to tell you this, and then I stopped, but I think I unlocked a new power source in the golf swing.
Is that where the power swing story was going? Yeah. There was more to that story? No, there wasn't.
I wanted that to be. There could have been more.
That needed to be done. That was one of the worst stories I've ever heard in my life.
Well, I don't think it was. You should tell everybody on the pod.
I don't want to. Everybody's just going to make fun of me.
No one's going to make fun of you. Well.
So we're in the middle of us filming, which is it's long. And then Steve's like, I saw him smiling.
He saw me. That's all it was, by the way.
It's literally the tiniest little rays of my... No, you were literally looking at the floor going...
He's imagining how bad the story's going to go? Yes. But also wanting to say it.
Desperately wanting to say it. Yeah.
And the story was you hit a golf ball far. Well, so I played both days.
I played Saturday and Sunday. That's why you're fucking so tired when we're filming.
No, I didn't know it energizes me. No, it doesn't.
Don't do that. No, it doesn't.
I need it. Otherwise, I would have been more tired.
We are at risk of losing you to injury. You're trying to go for the long ball.
You're trying to go for the long ball. You were barely making it the other day.
Was that yesterday? God damn. Well, we all got sick from one of the.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It spread around.
Yeah, yeah. One of the guest stars.
Yeah. Maybe.
It's tough to blame him. Fair enough.
Yeah. It could have come from anywhere.
Regardless, you're in close quarters with a bunch of people. It's coming from me.
We'll see. Dude, I'm...
Yeah. I'm a suspect.
I had it. Yeah.
Yeah. I had something going on.
You brought it in. But anyway, he saw me smile.
I had to tell the story, which is just that I, you know, had this feel in my backswing. Let's also, I know you're trying to get to this incredible story, but let's make sure everyone knows this is out of fucking nowhere.
This isn't like we were talking about golf. We were talking about anything.
This is just, all right. I think about it a lot this is in a silent room pretty quiet yeah but we were also you know we we see each other every day there's a limited amount of stuff to talk about so i had this other thing to talk to you about it's kind of the highlight so let's hear it so uh i made a few swing changes and then got this feel that gave me a lot more coil in my backswing.
And I hit a bomb. Like, you know, I hit a couple bombs, frankly, coming down the home stretch.
And my playing partner was like, damn, you cleared the bunker into the wind? And I was like, I never would have done that. It's a good feeling.
Yeah, that's it. That's the feeling.
But see, this is the thing. I think it's only most people who don't care about golf.
It's whatever. If you love golf, that feeling of connecting with the drive and watching the ball sail, it's whatever you're supposed to feel when you listen to Beethoven.
It's just this thing. And I got to feel that.
And I love it. It is great.
And we were feeling that a little bit at Topgolf. Yeah, if you hit the golf ball far, it's fun.
Yeah. To have somebody pulling it out, you pumped that.
I did pump it. And then I had 80 yards left.
I had a perfect 80-yard day foul shot. Made the putt.
Birdie. You hit a birdie? I did have a birdie.
Nice. Thanks.
That's good. That's it.
That was my boring-ass story that I thought of and then thought of his response to it. And then, of course, I have to tell it.
So just walk the plank. That was...
I do really want to get good at golf. Yeah, it'd be fun.
Golfing would be fun. Yeah.
Unless you're golfing with steve and his buddies enjoying the sport hitting a fucking 120 sober that fucking blows although you said you hit in the 80s 86 on was that the day with the birdie yeah yeah yeah you're feeling it i was feeling it fuck yeah how'd you it. Fuck yeah.
How'd you feel when you got home? How'd you feel when you got home? Did your girlfriend catch the business? A million bucks. What? Did your girlfriend get the business? Came home and you said it.
She did. Incredibly.
Yeah. All right.
What was that? I shouldn't have asked. No.
You carry it over? Do I carry whatever? The confidence of a good golf game into the belt? Yes, but I don't. But I bad stuff.
I don't carry over the bad stuff. I don't believe that.
It's just fucking lies, dude. You don't take it out on her if you have a bad day? No.
Come here. No.
I go, what? These golf stories make me really miss Matt's fucking dream stories i'll listen to matt's dream stories every day i had some bad dreams last night you had some dreams i had some really bad dreams dream stories i because we we went out and we had some dinner last night and i went home but then then in my dream, we stayed out and got fucked up.

That's fun.

Yeah, yeah.

We got really fucked up. Might be the ticket.
That would be like you're actually sleeping in your head. I was.
I was. But then I got so shit-faced, somehow I woke up in my parents' house.
Uh-oh. And in a drunken stupor, I started like a variety of puzzles all over the floors of my parents house and i woke up and i was like i don't know how i'm gonna explain yeah what happened last night and like what the fuck were you doing you kept making puzzles all over like what the fuck is wrong with you yeah sure so how about the golf yeah golf's better than that because it happened in reality there you go it really fucked me up i'm not gonna lie the puzzle thing yeah yeah my imaginary debauched tonight we had a nice night we did have we had a wonderful night.
I stood my ground. You did.
You coward. I did.
He's a coward. What happened? I wanted to get to sleep so I could get fucked up.
We went out to dinner with our ladies, and we had a nice dinner, but we were discussing Halloween costumes. Okay.
Of course, the ladies are, they want to go as slutty whatever. Sure.
And it's like, you know, why not not do that? Yeah, yeah. It's cool when I wasn't dating you.
Yeah, yeah. But now, you know, yeah.
Cover it up a little. I'm sitting there.
I'm in the middle of a... I'm battling both girlfriends.
Okay. This one, silent.
Judas. Really? I did not Judas.
Judas denied me. You're Peter, at least.
No, not Judas. That was Peter.
I said at the table, I would like to get some sleep tonight. I do not want to open this can of worms.
I think that's fair. What do you think of that? I'm in the trenches.
Doing battle. He even said, I appreciate what you're doing.
Wow. Which was a mistake.
So what do you actually think, though? It didn't come back to haunt me. Not in the moment.
That was a slow burn, that fight. Yeah, yeah.
So what do you actually think? I like when other people's girlfriends are dressed slutty. That's part of it.
But Chris, what do you actually think? So he was defending it. Yeah, and you were saying nothing.
No, I was saying that we're going to have a Halloween party, and it's going to be a bunch of fucking people from my work, and half of them are 40.

You know?

This is not the time.

Yeah, I think it's going to wind up... So then I'm saying, what is your opinion?

Yeah, I think it's going to wind up being a bunch of

just like our friends boozing

and being dressed super

slutty is going to be a little weird.

Yeah.

That's all.

I agree.

So that's what I genuinely think but you can't

get in that argument yeah yeah what did the other side of that look like what is the other side what is their argument yeah that you're an insecure controlling fucking pussy which is which is tough to you can't break out of it you gotta go i don't find no i think that's the big missile in Mario.

I don't know.

I would disagree with that argument.

I would say it's not about being insecure it's about making my friends maybe a little uncomfortable because they don't want to look at you sexually because me their friend is dating you yeah but yet you're sort of forcing you're going you're going sharia sharia law're going, you're mine. You're mine.
Let's cover you up a little. No.
And I agree. No.
No, I agree. I'm not saying because you're mine.
I'm saying because. My enemy's enemy is my friend.
I'm saying because. Yeah, my friends.
It's like. Yeah, don't give Brian Six a boner at the Halloween party.
Right. Right.
But yeah, that's never an argument you can win. I've down this road obviously we all have well because you get you once you start getting this specifically like how long or short a skirt you're just you're i did that at the table stop me stop me where the dress up your knee tell me where the dress stops and if you know when you say it like i'm saying right now it does come off a little bit controlling and abusive but it was not it was a fun friendly conversation that ended up not being friendly but at first seemed friendly i was trying to suggest a variety of costumes that maybe you know shouldn't require i was gonna go as frankenstein yeah bride of frankenstein yeah it's liketleneck.
Full gown. Full sleeves.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was passed upon.
Princess Leia. Princess Leia was nice.
You wanted to see Hillary Clinton, Princess Leia. Yeah.
I want Cloud City's Princess Leia. Slave Leia was what was settled upon.
Was just metal bikini Princess Leia. That's an idea.
For real. I just like no yeah it's gonna be 40 degrees don't miss frizzle was in the mix that was nice that's a big dress i knew where that was going the scuba diving episode they editorialized miss frizzle a little bit yeah and what are you you're still playing on the referee costume no no i because i't i don't i'm shy and i know that that doesn't sound i was thinking about this you're shy man yeah i am shy and i think to make this costume funny when the idea behind the costume was i'd be like uh why are you laughing nothing nothing keep going okay we'll come back to that okay uh the idea behind the costume is i'm an nfl referee i do have like mini.
Yeah, you're throwing party fouls. You're right.
And I'm hitting people with the flag and calling party fouls. Yes.
And I will say this has been done. It has? It's probably for 30 years.
Okay. Then it's not original.
It's original to you. But I'm not going to do it because, again, I just don't have the, frankly, balls to go around.
I think you do. No, I don't.
Well, this fucks me because I bought a referee outfit. I was going to be wearing it when you got there.
No, are you serious? You're going to be so funny with me. It was Chris's idea to get a white hat so I'd be the head official.
I look for a white hat. So I could tell you what to do.
Oh, he thought of this. You're a megalomaniac.
I was going to go to eBay for a white hat. I was like, I just wear a regular one.
Megalomaniac, bro. You're a power-hungry pig.
Power-hungry pig. I saw you looking at me.
I mean, you know, it's just. We were laughing so hard last night.
You showed up in the black hat. Just white.
Picking up flags. Going, there's no flag on the phone.
Overruled. I literally have it in in my checkout thing I think I'm just going to come as like Ben Franklin or something that's not bad that's pretty good it's a good way to mix in the spectacles we're going to get some glasses on so I thought that there was a George Washington one on Amazon but then I felt like that might be kind of cunty to invite people to your house and then wear a fucking general's uniform.
No. And be like, welcome to my party.
I'm the coolest guy of all time. I'm the most powerful man ever.
I invented America. You know? I like the idea of going all.
Revolutionary. Yeah.
All ever revolutionary clothing. I like like it too.
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Download Call of Duty Warzone for free and drop into Verdansk on april 3rd rated m for mature what were you laughing at earlier i was laughing at that oh yeah yeah picking up the flag picking up the flag is so funny in all fairness i did i saw that referee it's not like an original thought i had i was in maniiunk, and this was like, this is going back 15 years.

And you thought of it then?

No.

A guy ran down the street.

It was like.

You saw someone do it?

He felt that a guy in a Spider-Man costume with a flag 15 yards from being an F.

And it was just so funny.

Yeah, that's killer.

Yeah.

It was back when you could say it.

We're bringing those back,'s coming unless chris has anything to say about it 30 days you what are you talking about you know what i'm talking about i know what you're gonna you know we're on the same side of that issue how many votes are you gonna put in this year um you got about 20 000 last year yeah yeah i'm I'm going to request, the whole downstairs is full of balance yeah i'm filling them out cat's name putting one in for may nice funny but hey that was so crazy at the show yeah uh yeah chris the show was awesome. That was the coolest thing ever.
Watching you walk out in that place. Yep.
It's uncomfortable. It's too cool.
I mean, from our vantage, the way that people saw you moving in the beginning and just started like rising up. Yeah, that was crazy.
It was so sick. Yeah, I had fun.
It was surreal to watch. You were right.
You told me that the round is better. Way better.
It's so much. Yeah, than a stage.
Because all the sound hits you at the same time. Yeah, sometimes it can trick you.
You're like, God damn, I'm killing. And then you get off stage and people are like, that was good.
How do you think it went? Dude, that bothers me so much. How do you think it went? Yeah, how did you feel about it? I thought it was the best night of my life.
I guess I was wrong. Yeah, that was awesome.
That was a fun fucking night. That was great.
And little Gerby babies. I got to meet a pitcher.
Yeah, that was awesome. You guys got to discuss pitching from the mound.
Yeah. And then one of your buddies sold him like a gas tank what you one of your one of your buddies that was there yeah from home yeah yeah apparently like um made a business deal with a pitcher from the phillies yeah nice yeah he was they were talking like he was they were just talking for a while and Strom was talking about going on some big drive,

and he was like, oh, you're going to need a bigger tank for that.

You're going to need a bigger gas tank.

I'll hook it up.

Oh, oh. Yeah, it was like he was driving a truck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was one of the guys that was a mechanic at Ardmore.

Ed.

Nice.

Yeah, it was awesome.

I don't know if we should cut that out.

No, that's totally fine.

Look at that fucking cat, dude.

He's firing up.

That's nice.

Where's your gay cat?

At my gay house.

Is it doing anything gay?

She's an outdoorsman.

She's indoor-outdoor.

She's got a whole backyard. I made her a garden.

This guy needs to go outside.

Very badly.

They keep him in. He's a giant.

He'd be a fucking problem out there.

He'd get fucked up by the groundhog

outside would decimate him.

He could run away from a groundhog.

He thinks he's ready for outside, but he's not.

You guys are ruining this boy's life.

No.

All he has to do is he has a chair to play with.

Let him go outside.

He's a big dog.

All day he wants to go outside.

He's full.

Yeah.

James is the best ever.

Let him out.

I could watch that all day. Instead of podcasting, I could watch Chris play with the cat.
What time? You got to be in early tomorrow. I do.
What time do you have to go in tomorrow? I think 6.45. Yeah.
What time are you? 11. Dang.
Yes, brother. I'm still going to try and go to the Y tonight and work out.
Really? Yeah. You you've been working out there in this i have yeah yeah occasionally i did you work out yesterday you better not no all right good no so i that i would have a problem with that yeah i was under the weather yesterday i know you were yeah i thought you were gonna die little dizzy spell we were laughing so hard last night because your face like you lost all your blood in your face.
Your face was ghostly white and you had that shit on. I got so scared.
At one point, you looked at me like... And I was like, holy shit.
I was even watching you during a scene and being like, he's going to hate the way this one comes out. He's going to look fucking terrifying.
I don't know if anybody's had this where you're just like, your hearing out. And it's like, pop.
And then that's normal. I've had that happen before.
And I was just, typically I'm standing up. It happened when I was sitting down.
And then I just got crazy vertigo. And I was like sitting next to John, like squeezing his arm.
Like, it was scary. Yeah.
And yeah, then it was all right. Well, it looked like it was because you were upset about what you were wearing that's what made it so funny it felt like yeah like the way you walked in it just was like yeah yeah well it's a lot of like uh first of all the wig is very hot and then uh there it takes a long time to put it on a lot of like fussing about it.
Does that bother you? I thought you'd like getting fussed over. You love the makeup chair, bro.
I'm not a big fan of all that because it's also like they put in, you know, you've got it. It's just not the most comfortable thing.
But the fussing. You're constantly eating fake hair.
It's in your mouth. It's not even fake hair.
It's real hair. Yeah, yeah.
It's another person's hair. Yeah.
That grosses you out? Yes. Yeah, that's disgusting.
What are you talking about? I don't know. Other people's hair in your mouth? Of course.
Yeah, it's never really bothered me. How often does that happen? Not a ton.
But if I get like hair in the food, I just take it out and keep it. Yeah, take it out and keep eating.
Some people will lose their minds over that stuff. Like the whole thing.
I thought for sure you'd love the hair and makeup. Now.
I don't know. You love the photographers coming in.
I might be over it. I don't know.
I don't know. I change.
I change. I didn't used to be a shy person, and you beat that out of me.
Why? You're great. I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding. I'm trying to make you less shy.
Yeah. No, I know you are.
You are. I'm trying my best to let you.
I can show you the world. How great.
He would have killed it. Well, as far as I know.
No, no. I don't have it yet.
I'm working on it. You would have enjoyed it.
You would have really enjoyed it. You would have fun.
Yeah. I had fun watching you guys.
That was so cool. It really was.
Yeah. It really was.
And even just, you know, you're like, wow. You know, we were driving.
Like, Julie and I were driving down. And we were just, like, driving.
And she's like, there's, like, teams of guys coming to watch. Yeah, it's crazy.
to watch in a van drinking beers.

And we're like, this is all Shane.

Like we are in Shane traffic.

I got there and people were tailgating and I was like, oh, fuck.

This crowd is going to be fucking out of control.

And they weren't.

They were good.

Good guys.

They were great.

Yeah.

I've been surprised by all the shows.

I mean, I haven't been to that many, but the ones that I have been in that in that size close to that size everyone's like in their seats and ready to go yeah it's crazy i'll do like a minor league hockey arena in some small town dudes get rally fights up in the balconies and shit yeah yeah you'll see that that's fun a fight up in the balcony yeah it's just old time hockey that. That was the first time I ever saw that.
I remember when I was in hockey camp in Toronto going into the, like, whatever skating rink we were doing this whatever at. It was like a goalie camp.
And there were just dudes fresh off of just beer league. And it was like me and my dad walking in.
And they were just chirping at and talking shit and just crushing beers, sitting on the back of their cars and stuff.

That's awesome.

Yeah, throwing beer cans at us.

Nice.

It was crazy.

They could sense the Connecticut dandies.

The Connecticut dandies are here for hockey.

That was the old Canada.

That was a big wake-up call.

That was back in the day.

Oh, apparently they're still up there.

There's the Patriots left.

Yeah, I found them.

Yeah, they formed that big wagon train.

Yeah.

What else is going on?

Anything cool?

Unfortunately, all the cool stuff is like the show.

That's so much of the life.

The show is cool, yeah.

Yeah.

It's like 14 hours a day.

Yeah. And then you're

just gonna come home it's true you've been good though in the show oh really thank you so much

yeah you've been good you haven't been grumpy on set yet not really not really it was one day

that was nothing there's sometimes though like last year i think we'd be done by now

yeah basically yeah fuck we should have gone back with that what the fuck are we doing we had it we'll just do a month yeah just get done like we did last time we'd be done with it we could be done just churn it out fucking forever yeah we do we've got a long ways to go but uh you have been less you've been less gr. Hey.
I don't think I was super grumpy last time. You're a bit of a power-hungry pig again.
Power-hungry pig? You stop saying that. Everyone's going to think it's totally true.
No one believes this. Okay.
Thank God. No, they don't.
What was I going to say? I mean, I'm not wrong, but... They do.
What was I going to say? You were going to say this year's better. No, I was going to say, yes.
Obviously biased, but we saw a cut. Yeah.
I'm so excited for everybody to see this. Yeah.
I really am. I know that that's like a thing that people say, but boy, is this fun.
I think it has been. What's your favorite? I just like your enthusiasm.
It's fun fun I would never talk that way it's nice to hear that okay yeah I'm not trying to be you know I'm going to get you on a late night TV show this year I'm going to pants you on Jimmy Fallon this year you know what I've decided what I'm going to do if you do that I'm just going to say compliments about you that's effectively effectively pantsing you. I'm going to be like...
Stop. Stop.
He put me in this show. Just with your pants.
He could have been in any show he wanted to. You're going to make me cry on you? That would be a good revenge.
Just with your pants around your ankles? Just complimenting? You ever see that... I think it's Mark Summers and Burt Reynolds on a late night show where they i forget mark summers is like a nicola it's literally you and me on a okay he's like it starts he's he's talking about his marriage and burt reynolds is like shut the fuck up and he's like me and my wife are still together and the crowd's like oh and he like throws his water on him anyway they're getting a fight okay reynolds throws his water on.
And then they're like, alright, fellas, let's settle this with a pie contest. They turn around and pie each other.
Burt Reynolds hooks him in the face as hard as he can. Oh my god.
Yeah, it's pretty crazy. Anyway, that's what's going to happen.
And Mark Summers is like a hypochondriac, isn't he? I don't know anything about Mark Summers. He's probably terrified of that pie.
Yeah. I think he's like a real neat freak.
How do you know about Mark Summers? I met him once. What? Yeah.
I tried to shake his hand. Where'd you? Oh, is that how you came up with that? He blew by you and your dad was like, he's afraid of germs.
The guy from Nickelodeon doesn't hate you. I met him as an adult.
And I tried to shake his hand. Where? He did a show at Good Good once.
Nice. Actually, no.
It wasn't. Yeah, it wasn't there.
It was at some other thing. One other.
Yeah, yeah. That is now a very famous golf channel.
Good Good? Oh, yeah. Yeah, YouTube.
Because it's. Yeah.
That's it. I ruined that.
My bad. Hey, golf.
Damn it. No, we love golf.
Okay. It's good billy's talking about doing he goes out there yeah i mean that could really you know unite the clans golf's fun we all agree golf's fun he's got a cool vibe to him billy yeah yeah he's a cool guy cool clothes you wish you could wear those cool clothes of course i do you could wear those cool clothes? Of course I do.

You could wear those cool clothes.

He's got the amount of necklaces that I would like to wear.

I would like you to wear those necklaces. No.

I sent Shane a picture of me wearing the Jewish one that we talked about last time.

Oh, I want to see it.

He was like, I'm going to kill you.

You're not even Jewish.

No.

I know. I know.
You're a fraud. Yeah.
When are you going to get back into Judaism? Like I said, maybe deathbed. I don't know.
Really? You think you're going to put up a Hail Mary? Yes. Did you get the mitzvah and all that stuff? Yeah, yeah.
All right. So you've done all the things.
Yeah. You're in that.
Chris is looking at the photo now. looks pretty good on it does make you look actually extremely jewish i never think of you as jewish until i responded with that i was like my bad that was a little too much yeah that's a good pro israel like yeah twitter biopic and you are very pro israel

that's too complicated for me to have an opinion on i want everybody to be safe yep yeah world safety World safety

World safety

I'm on for that too

So what

Like how did the rest of World safety. World safety.
I'm on for that, too.

So how did the rest of Friday night go?

After the show.

Oh, it was good.

Just kind of hung out, drank.

Went to Bonner's, drank some more.

Brian Regan showed up.

That was sick.

Yeah, Brian Regan showed up.

That was cool.

He's fantastic.

It was an exciting time, and then I realized I was too drunk. I got the wobbles a little and I was like, alright, I need to leave but I would still like to argue with Chris in front of everyone.
So I'd be like, alright, I'm gonna go home. I gotta go home.
And I'd be like, Chris, just admit Russian collusion. Just admit collusion was wrong.
Just say it. And I'm also fucked up so I took a bait bait.
Oh, we had a good battle, except Chris was outnumbered 10 to 1. Yeah.
Wow. I was bringing all...
Billy was there. I got to just summon Billy.
I'm like, Billy, handle this, because I can't really talk. Billy, forget him.
Billy wound up going, I don't give a shit about any of this. It's interesting, because I called him the way over here and he was like, Chris is a pussy fit.
In your driveway, that's what he was saying about you. Oh, that's so nasty.
Why would he say that? Because I was like, I got nothing. You got to give me something to talk about.
He was like, CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch is a fucking pedophile. I was like, all right, nice.
I got that. That almost goes without saying.
Yeah, I guess it was, what's his name? Lex Wexner was his money guy. He's the same as Epstein.
I don't know. Oh, yeah.
Wexner, is he the Victoria's Secret guy or something? Yeah, I think so. Yeah.
Well, anyway, the next topic. Someone was saying that the other day.
Where is Ghislaine Maxwell? No one knows. Were you saying that? I was saying it because I was listening to Tim Dillon oh yeah which is one of the best listen to Tim Dillon he's hilarious he's so good I told you like the one thing I think it was with let's go back to the collusion thing though because that was the other topic can you just admit that that was kind of a false narrative now I stand by that you think that was the other topic.
Can you just admit that that was kind of a false narrative? We were out. No, I stand by that.
You think that was real? Well, it depends which version you think they were accusing him of, but I think everything in the Mueller report... The Steele dossier.
The Steele dossier that ended up getting the Clintons got fined for. I don't stand by the Steele dossier.
But everything in the Mueller report, I stand by. But do you think it's okay for a political candidate to use the intelligence agencies to accuse another candidate of being a Russian spy and then using that, putting it in the media and letting them talk about it for four years unchecked with almost no edits, no fucking sorry we made mistakes? It didn't help that, what's his name? Do you think that's okay? Trump Jr.

Trump Jr. I'm just wondering if you think that's okay.

Could you answer the question?

Kamala?

He admitted it.

I actually grew up middle class.

That's how you answer questions.

You are Kamala.

No, Trump Jr. admitted it during the campaign.

He said we are Russian spies.

Yeah, they were like, you guys tried to meet with Russia to get dirt on Hillary, and he released the emails. Oh, they tried to or they did? They tried to, yeah.
Well, they wound up not having the meeting. Oh, that's good.
So they didn't do it? No, no, no. So wait, he ended up not killing his wife, so he's not a murderer.
No, no, no, no. He ended up not doing that crime.
No, no, no. We're out of topics.
We could just talk politics. Or Steve's jacking off the habits.
I don't have anything new about the jacking off. That's alright.
You don't have to. You can think of something new.
What do you think about this whole russian collusion thing here uh i you know don't know nearly enough about it i think somebody was arrested though from hey if somebody gets arrested then they're definitely guilty that was another argument but wasn't the person that was claiming that there was russian collusion was actually colluding with russia yeah yeah there's a couple of those. It's ridiculous.
Yeah. I don't know.
They got, yeah. To me, the most alarming thing is the and not that I know nearly enough about it, but the prosecution of Trump in New York for trying to get a loan and claiming that his building was worth more than what I guess it was.
Is that the Mar-a-Lago one? And the government was like, that's worth five million. The Mar-a-Lago one was hilarious.
I didn't see the Mar-a-Lago one. Even though, through my understanding, a bank also ran its own...
You conveniently stopped paying attention well how much a little kid that quits

when he's losing an xbox no no no i'm not you turn no i'm not actually you were winning and you go all right we're done turn it off turn it off biden won trump's is trump's going to jail turn the game off biden did win you don't think biden won i think he did win yeah i mean he won yeah you think there's malfeasance. Who knows?

Do I think...

No.

I think there was malfeasance? Who knows?

Do I think?

No.

I think there was some unrest in the country that seemed to be beneficial to one side. I will say this about Trump.
I was thinking about this the other day. I'm fired up out of nowhere.
But I will say this about Trump. I do.
The thing that I really do like about Trump is that if he he's kind of doing exactly what you actually want a candidate to do, which is. Which is like.
He's his campaign and all the stuff that he does hasn't been affected at all by like of the trivial bullshit that can normally nuke someone's campaign. And he is like, in spite of his party hating him, like for the most part, just going to the people and using them to obliterate anyone who disagrees.
Yeah. It's almost like a democracy.
I just disagree with everything else that he's doing.

But it's like it is what you want a guy.

It's what a politician, I guess.

No, I feel like I don't know.

That uses votes?

I don't know.

No, but it feels like there's more deal-making usually.

And then kind of the powers that be sort of like align around a person and like and build them up and funnel money into them versus this really does feel like he's the powers that be just get rid of the current president and say you're out we're not even going to have a primary you are the president it's the vice president next man up if the president's dead yeah yeah well it's pretty close yeah it's pretty close i think they're gonna threaten what amendment is it the 25th 26th what is the amendment where the president's unfit uh 23rd 25th something 25th i don't know one of those yeah i guess apparently they threatened him with that if he didn't agree to stop running this oh really and let Kamala run. Which is interesting because he's still the president.
So I guess they didn't believe it. Who knows? I'm just going to go with whoever Dick Cheney and Liz Cheney would be.
You know? Yeah. They brought us through the darkness once before.
They picked us up out of 9-11. Where are you, coward? You're going to let me do all this? I was on the whole...
You got a 9-11. You tossed one in.
That was an assist. I did.
Coming off the bench. I wasn't even done.
I was going to go do the whole Shark Tank guy. What's the Shark Tank guy? He was like, if we prosecute for people like this, New York's going to come to a total standstill.
Because this is like common practice. Yeah.
Like inflating the value of your property for loans and then deflating them for taxes. Yeah.
But the bank also ran their own, whatever you would call it, appraisal of that building. So it wasn't even like they just took what he said.
It's just what he was saying. Yeah.
And they still gave he paid it back and then you're gonna arrest him and that that feels like maybe a political persecution i don't know in a like real scary way it is the hard part that i am dumb and don't know anything that's also the real hard but it's just fun to argue right now because they don't know anything either they're listening to this they're listening to dumb guys that don't know anything yeah yeah we could be on some you never know that's just what i feel like is the pushback uh to democrats which is like this the idea that you've got to let smart people just handle it it's like but then you create a precedent for something that you won't like down the road like for instance with obama sort of the bombing the indiscriminate bombing i suppose everybody was like there's the jewish yeah it's just like indiscriminate bombings i suppose i think he's uh violating walls and it's like well it's obama it's like yeah sure okay fine i might trust him but then you're setting a precedent that anybody else can be you know yeah yeah and kim bambla kim bambla is coming world war three is coming that's my those are my favorite like memes yeah it's like call of duty footage and it's like me and the boys in the battle of Beijing 2027 because Taylor Swift told her

fuck those are my favorite like memes yeah it's like call of duty footage and it's like me and the boys and the battle of beijing 2027 because taylor swift told our fucking dumb girlfriends to vote

fucking boat in taiwan fuck is he saying kim bamba no that's just you that was me that you

like that one stop give me stop give me credit for your average shit you know what i was talking

I don't know. No, that's just you? That was me.
You like that one? Stop giving me credit for your average shit.

You know what I was talking about today?

I was like, you know who is incredibly good with puns and you hide it even though I know

you know it.

I see you smiling.

It's crazy.

Your pun game.

Cut it out.

Okay.

Kirby's cut it out.

All right.

How about that?

Chris, do you acknowledge that?

Do you even know that that happens?

Yeah, yeah.

I've seen it.

Chris has been around.

Chris has been around.

I'm going to go. okay Kirby's cut it out Chris do you acknowledge that yeah yeah Chris has been around

Chris has been around

I've been on the receiving end of quite a few of them

but I

was about the us being dumb thing

I was

thinking about that in the car today where

I was like man I wish people

thought I was like really smart

and then I was thinking about how bad it would

be if people thought I was really

I'm going to need you on. I can't set the death ray up.
That's the kind of problem I can solve. You're good at that.

If you got a death ray, I can set it up.

Don't get over there.

I'm going to need you on that.

What is a death ray?

I bought a 10-foot-tall fucking skeleton robot for the party.

Yes.

It's going to be exciting.

Yeah.

A giant alien that looks around.

I'm never going to put that thing together.

Right.

Do you need a ladder for it?

No.

Ow. Paws.
I'll get on my hands it no how pause i'll get on my hands knees stand on my back we'll be good there's no way no you gotta build it on the ground and fucking set it up or it's like one of those things where you like how the fuck did they build the pyramids your league came and figured out the logistics of the spirit halloween death ray people are going to watch this. Spirit Halloween death ray.
People are going to be, they're going to watch this. Spirit Halloween death ray sales are going to go through the roof.
I walked into Spirit Halloween. I said, I have to have it.
And then I got to the register and I found out how much it cost. It was not worth bringing it back.
I was like, fuck. This is a terrible purchase.
Dude, it makes galactic, terrifying galactic noises. Yeah, it turns out it's more of an alien than spooky ghost, but that's fine.
Look at this guy, 10 feet tall. Whoa, that's cool.
You're going to like it. You're going to like what's going on over at my house.
That's going to scare the goats. It is.
I am worried about the goats. They're going to get hit with the galactic death ray.
The neighbor's goats are going to have so much to put together on the fucking death ray. Dude, look at this.
We're ruined. Oh, man.
You're going to do great. And you don't need a ladder.
It's 10 feet tall. I'm going to bring my mountain bike over to your place place at one point you told me this yeah it's you're not going to be riding it around on my property all right fine please is it parked across the street you don't want you don't want to see that obviously i want him riding around there's some holes in those guys no you're right i know i was running around on it it uh ran up that one hill and it's there's some holes.
I don't want to hurt myself. I would wear a lot of protection.
You would make fun of it. It's something that like again, what kind of protection do you wear? When I'm on bike, I wear like knee and it's a great exercise.
It's like hockey shin guards. Yeah, because if you, the pedals, if you have like a pedal,

if your foot slides off, it slams your shin. It happened once.

That happens.

That hurts.

It really hurts.

What about upper body?

Elbow pads, and then I wear like full face helmet.

You wear the full face helmet?

Yeah.

I'm bad.

With the goggles?

Yeah.

I have to because otherwise my contact dries out.

It's too much, but you know what?

I have fun, and I haven't gotten hurt yet. No, that's awesome.
Yeah, it's really cool. Shut up.
No, I swear. When I go to Harmony Hill, I like bike there.
And a lot of times guys will be like, where's the where are the where are the jumps? And I'm like, there's no jump. It's just a bad because a full face.
You're typically going over. Yeah, they think you're catching it.
You just got to tell them, go back. You got to go deep in there.
Oh, shit. Oh, get a cow in your lap.
Oh, that's very adorable. Have you ever gone down biking, Chris? Not like, not formally.
I've had a mountain bike, and I've gone on some trails. I've got Tito up here.
Hi, buddy. Hi.
Good to see you. I do want you to bring that.
All right. Yeah, that'd be nice.
Just find some berms. I'd like to see you in pads riding a bike around my property.
Did I tell you the last Halloween? You're going to do a lap pretty quick. Yeah, I guess.
It'll be very fun. I was, like I did, I liked sort of practicing in my street right outside my driveway.
I have cones set up. Set up what? Going set up? Yeah, like cones set up to do slalom to practice your weight shift on the bike.
On your bike? Yeah. Your neighbors see you.
And so last Halloween, I was handing out candy and then these kids come in and they're like, how's the bike going? I'm like, good, good, good. You're ashamed of it? They're trying to be nice.
So ashamed. They're so embarrassed.
But yeah, I've committed to it. So the kids see it, which means them and their parents sit in the window and laugh.
Yeah, and watch me. Yeah.
Have you fallen off the cone. How fast are you going? It feels fast.
It's probably incredibly slow. I bet you're flying.
I showed you that picture of me trying to bunny hop. I barely got off the ground because I think you got to go the video.
I don't have the speed. I could never bunny hop.
I could never ollie. I could never ollie either.
I could never figure it. It sucked.
Yeah. It sucked.
It was really because, you know, you wanted to bully skater kids and then not being able to ollie. I just wanted to be able to ollie.
Yeah, you didn't want to bully anyone. You were a sweetheart.
Thanks. I bet, yeah.
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Now let's get back to that exhilarating podcast.

I'm more likely.

What do you got?

Nothing.

I'm just thinking about this podcast.

It's been a long day. Yeah.
I had a long drive. I had a fight about Halloween costumes.
Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that.
How many more times do you think you'll have that fight before the day comes? We'll see how Halloween goes. No, I genuinely actually don't care.
Yeah. It's just more of a...
It might be weird. Yeah.
You might want to have a backup. Yeah.
Which I think they're going to because it's probably going to be cold. Yeah.
Sweatpants, hoodie. I'll be there.
Yeah. So here's a cloak.
I'll be on a quarterback jacket on the sidelines. Yeah, yeah.
We'lles what do you i've got to have something i got any fun halloween stories you go trick-or-treating i told you i went trick-or-treating the one year um when i was a philadelphia eagle yeah and i saw and then uh i saw it was you know like a split house, you know, the way the stair. Well, whatever.
I door opens up. Guy is coming down the steps.
He's in a full gorilla costume. And I remember seeing his hand go into like the glove of the costume.
I was just telling myself, like, it's a man. It's not a real gorilla.
It's a man. And then he started walking at me, and I just turned around and started crying and running

as fast as I could.

Instead of full eagles.

Yeah.

Sprinting away?

Yeah.

How old were you?

I don't know.

I was probably five.

My brother was Urkel that year.

Whoa.

Oh, the infamous.

He went the distance.

No, not the distance.

No, no, no.

But he would perform it. You had the little UNICEF things, and he'd be like, how they put it in, he'd be like, do you have any cheese? Carl.
Did he want the face paint? No. Couldn't get it? That never even came up.
Damn. Thank God.
Because that could have easily happened. You could have.
Back then, people were like, yeah, fuck it. Of course.
Yeah. You do the whole costume.
I was Diceman that one year. That was the superhero I created.
Oh, I thought you meant you went as Dice Clay. I was like sick.
No, no, no, no. You went as Diceman.
That's right. I one year went as a prisoner.
That was second grade. I had a huge- Did you go the distance on the prisoners? Because then it might be racist.
I just got that. You got to make it belie believable yeah and uh i had a big crush on my second grade teacher and she was also dressed as a prisoner so we walked around the school yeah and that that was incredible she one time i came in in the morning she was like i drove by your house i guess your house the other day because i saw you outside shooting baskets because i was like playing basketball with my brother after school and for

like a month i just played basketball every day just waiting for it just hoping she'd drive by it's just like total hook finn stuff you know like doing cartwheels in front of the did you ever have a crush on a teacher?

Yeah.

What was her name?

We had an Australian exchange teacher and I loved her. Fourth grade.
I spoke with an Australian accent the entire school year. Really? I loved her.
Oh my god. Did you ever share a moment with her?

I mean, we got ice cream.

That's nice.

But there was a couple other fucking cock box.

A couple other fourth graders trying to cock box me.

I feel like I was so bad at school.

I knew better.

A teacher was unattainable for me.

I never had a crush.

Every interaction I had with a teacher was a fight or just you know bad news i never like yeah yeah you were bad in school terrible like you're the whole time the whole time you were dumb in like fifth grade yeah that's tough not even dumb just i just never did any of the work yeah yeah i just i like i couldn't do it i couldn't do it. I couldn't be in class.
I couldn't like the whole fucked up. Yeah.
The whole thing would just bothered me. And then every once in a while I would like really, like when I really got in, you know, back against the wall, I'd put together like a good semester or something, but it was always my entire life was just terrible.
It's kind of surprising. Yeah.
You're not dumb. Yeah.
Yeah, but maybe you are dumb. This has been our entire friendship.
I'm like, Chris is smart. And I hear shit like this.
I'm like, you were dumb in fourth grade. You know how you have to actually be dumb.
I just don't. It's a lack of discipline.
You have to actually be dumb. That's crazy.
crazy well i was never like at risk of failing out or anything like that but it was just i'm not doing that yeah i just couldn't dude i remember taking just like the multiplication tests yeah you know what i mean where you just do like as many as you 60 problems do as many as you can in a minute yeah the mad minute the mad minute and i like i just remember by number two i was like you're going too slow you're never gonna get to 60 and then it would just like it just it just turned into like i would just beat the living shit out of myself until 15 20 yeah it was like it was that thing i feel like i have the same like problem too when i like when i try I try to remember something and if it doesn't come to me right away, I start going like, oh my God, you can't remember anything. All I'm thinking about is not remembering.
Oh, well, like lines in a show. Yeah, yeah.
That's impossible. But even just people's names, people's names.
You're like, what the fuck did I get? All right. I'm good.
Fuck. It's so embarrassing.
It is. The worst is when it's something you think you're like, in your head, you're like, I got that.
Yeah. Walking into a room, be like, hey.
Yeah. Then you have to do it.
I mean, I guess that's what acting is but it's hard dude you walk in like

start over i'm sorry everybody i'm sorry everyone i suck yeah and you're like thinking about how you're going to be reacting to their mind but instead you're just thinking of what your life you just or you react way too early we should put together that instead of a blooper reel. Just how bad we all are at acting.
It must be insane fucking clips. John constantly having to say, slow down.
Oh, dude. To hear what they're saying.
It's the worst feeling. When like this person's not even done their line yet and you're looking at the other person ready for them to talk.
Yeah, it sucks's also funny how much better john is at acting i know i know like john how do i do it again he's like i'm like all right i'll do it yeah and it's the first thing that pops into my head the moment i fuck up is like i just imagine john like behind that just What the fuck Yeah

Kirby's what else is going on there

Not much like behind that, just like... What the fuck?

Yeah, Kirby's.

What else is going on there?

Not much.

Again, I apologize for being so boring.

Don't.

We're all boring.

Yeah.

It's, you know, kind of wake up.

I go to my trailer.

Oh, so...

Oh, God.

Well, as a joke-ish, kind of.

No. A joke to yourself, by yourself? No, okay, it wasn't a joke.
I do like the song. You're a big man.
I put on, you know, the trailers have Bluetooth, so you can put your music on. Yeah, yeah.
So I was listening to. I hadn't figured that out yet.
I didn't know that. I'm in there eating a bucket of scrambled eggs.
I asked the guy, he was like, what do you want for breakfast? I was like, scrambled eggs.

That was on the menu. He gave me

every side was scrambled.

It was all scrambled eggs. There was no like

potatoes or like, I thought it was a

meal. Right.
It was, he put, they put

scrambled eggs in every pocket of the

tray. That's hilarious.
Yeah. I got

10 pounds of scrambled eggs

with nothing, no ketchup, just

anyway, that was funny. Yeah.
That was the worst thing that was worse than your golf story a lot of eggs once it was a comical amount of eggs yeah there's a crazy amount of eggs and he knew it was crazy he said it yeah he's like he said scrambled eggs when i went to the catering thing everyone was like it's a ton of eggs you gotta feel for that guy for shane he's eating fucking 20 eggs before he films yeah i like the idea that he's like, that's a ton of eggs. You got to feel for that guy.
It's for Shane. He's eating fucking 20 eggs before he films.
Yeah. I like the idea that he's like screaming at the runner.
What the fuck am I supposed to do? What the fuck is this? You want to hand him a bucket full of fucking eggs? Yeah, he'll eat it. Look at him.
He'll eat a box of eggs right now. I was late one day.
I get a call. Hold on.
What were you listening to in that trailer? Big Time. Big Time by Peter Gabriel.
Yeah. Wearing his robe.
No. I was not wearing the robe.
And when they put the robe in there, I said- Were you dancing a little? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that song.
I grew up in a small town. Everybody has small town ideas.
Not me. I'm big time.
That was you. You're big time.
You're on my way. Yeah.
I just imagine you sliding around like Tom Cruise in that trailer. That's what I'm saying.
I kind of am a little big time right now with Shane. Whatever.
Okay. So anyway, I get a call and she was like, oh, just check and see where you are.
And I'm like, I'm on my way there. I thought I was supposed to be there at 830.
She's like, no. Or it was like 730.
She's like, no, you're supposed to be there at like seven. Shit.
And then I'm just thinking, I hope Shane isn't there. You know? Yeah.
And by pulling, I see his car. I'm like, fuck.
So then I ran. It wasn't like a far away run.
I ran just to like, he can't even see me walking at this hour.

And I come into the hair and makeup trailer.

And the first thing Allie says, she's like, oh, she's like, yesterday Steve came in here.

He was like, I'm having such a good hair day.

I was like, Allie, shut up.

I have to tell everybody.

You were having a good hair day.

We're having nothing but private conversations when I talk to you. These don't get related.
I don't like hearing these stories about you. That you're this confident.
Like, what are you doing? I like to have a good time. You don't.
What? You hate having a good time. No, I like to have different times of good times than you have.
You know what I mean? He hates a good time. He hates a crowded good time.
And I love a good time during the day outside. Yeah, you should know by myself.
Yeah, that's fun. You guys that don't talk a lot.
I would love to see Steve forcing you to mountain bike. Can't happen.
I mean, a bike could be, I like, that'd be fun but i will say i might i would like to join i would like to go out with you and some strangers a golf and golf i'd love to go with you are they hey there is a lady you can go out she's so at the at the country club what do you mean at the country you say there's a woman? There is one terrible woman. Everybody's told me this person is terrible.
And I had a run-in with her. Yeah.
And she was just like really aggressive and rude. There was a frost delay.
So everybody was kind of in the clubhouse. And she's like, oh, you're that guy from Netflix.
I saw you in a golf cart playing too slow, parked too close to the ground. I was like, what are you talking about? Really? Yeah, I was like, I play faster than you.
And then she's like, no, you don't. She's just rude.
You're getting in country club fights. You are Mr.
Big Time. Well, apparently this one has been kicked out of previous country clubs.
Really? Yeah. So anyway.
You don't have a permanent record? Why are they accepting these people? This one is corporate owned. So the other one was like owned by its members.
This one's corporate owned.

So it's apparently harder to remove her.

But anyway, this one guy was overhearing it and we were talking and then went up to the driving range and he comes up and I'm telling everybody about this woman.

Everybody's piping in with their own stories about her.

And then he goes, yeah, Steve had that interaction.

Then he asked for a number and it just crushed.

Everybody was laughing. Just the guys at the country club but yeah she's something else man she's a battle act she is a battle act me and her are gonna join forces burn that country club to the ground they're gonna be so happy if you come i'm just gonna come and ruin your let's get a foursome no i don't want you to ruin it two strangers who are your buddies yeah i have two buddies get your best buddies to come with us okay i'm gonna drink an entire case of beer on the green that's funny bragan did you park too close to the green no no not even a little not even a little she's just making stuff up she definitely is making stuff up she just out of nowhere accused you made up stuff she accused everyone of stuff it doesn't matter no i don't park too close to the green no i'm rules oriented was it was it paths only that day Chris Was it pass only? Was it paths only that day?

Chris.

Was it paths only?

Was it paths only?

No, I don't know what day it was.

They've got signage everywhere if it's paths only.

She's a crazy person.

I have no idea what day she was talking about.

Were you on the path?

Again.

What day?

I don't know.

Oh.

Yeah.

She didn't sign a day? No. She just said she saw you the other day.
Yes. Parked a Netflix.
I saw you. Oh, she hits you with a Mr.
Big Time. She said a Netflix.
And you chirped back. I did, and I regretted it immediately.
Nice. Yeah.
I mean, I'm proud of you for chirping back. Thank you.

Yeah.

You should do a staggered start.

You start first, or she starts first.

I don't care.

Just be on her ass.

And just, yeah.

And see who plays. Hit balls at her.

See who plays faster.

Try to hit her with a golf ball.

Let's send her a message.

Dust her off the plate a little.

Give her a little.

Give her a little gin music. You want to go? Yeah.
Can you do that? Can you find a particular slot after her and try to play through her just to demonstrate that you be your pace of play? I've never thought about that. You could do that.
What's it? Can she hit the wall? I have never seen her. She's probably good, dude.
She's been getting kicked out of country clubs. She obviously plays a lot.
She's probably nice. What's she look like? Is she older? She is.
How old? I'd have to guess 60. Not as old as I feel.
Not old enough to be crazy. Given the stories, I thought I was going to see a very old, demented woman.

And it was like 60-ish.

Put together?

No.

Damn.

Big dog.

Big dog.

Hell, hell.

Dog on the leash, dude.

She's going wild.

Yeah, I would have.

If she was hot, this would be nice.

She was hot.

This would have a totally different vibe. Yeah, you would have gone, yes, mommy.
I'm sorry, mommy. Yeah.
You want to play together? Yeah. And you're saying the car girls are ugly.
You said the car girls. I didn't say they were ugly.
I didn't say they were ugly. No.
You told me all the car girls were ugly. No, I did, you stupid.
Dude, I didn't do any of that. Time out.
This lady. Wait, hold on a second.
Go ahead. You said the car girls left a lot to be desired.
And I said, what do you mean? You said they're not hot. Oh, my God.
You said all the guys at the country club laugh. They say the girls are ugly.
I didn't say it yet.

They said they gather.

Why are you acting like this if you didn't say it?

Because I do.

Did I say it?

I don't know.

Maybe you did.

That's the problem with corporate ownership.

Are the car girls out there?

I don't know.

Have you never seen them?

I try not to look too much because, you know, I'm 41 now.

You know, I don't like being that guy.

It's like, oh, did you see that snapper or whatever it is?

You know? Who the fuck calls it snapper? This guy that used to run chuckles comedy.

He's like that waitress.

You can see her snapper if she wants, you know, because she was so you don't you respect the car girls.

Yeah, I try.

You don't even look at them.

I look at I just say like this, you know, but when you look at them, you would tell pretty quickly if they were attractive or not.

Yeah.

Are they attractive? I don't have great vision. No, no.
This is going to get out at the country club. No, don't do that.
You're fucked. I would love to take this country club from you.
You're going to. You're going to have to get me into a real nice one.
They're going to have a meeting at the club. The big dogs are going to be there and the ugly car girls.
We've got to get the big dog out. That's what I was saying.
It's a country called full of attorneys. We can't get this person out.
I like the idea that you show up. There's a lot of attorneys there.
I like the idea that you show up on Saturday and all the car girls are hot. Yeah, we heard Mr.
Big Time doesn't like how attractive the girls are. We're about to lose them.
Yeah. They never have Uncrustables.
They don't have Uncrustables? Never. Have you ever had one? You've never had one.
No, I've had them. They never stock them.
At the country club? At the country club. Are they saying that out loud? Of course.
Yeah. I thought it was all just like nuts and pretzels and stuff.
No, no. They have uncrustables, so they never stock them.
Oh, so the uncrustables are gone. It's probably the big dog.
Big dog gets there early. I'll tell you what.
If you come and we get paired with the big dog, I'm drinking with you. Yes.
That I would do. How come you can't drink? Because I love golf.
It's just like I don't want to. I love it.
And I don't want to be buzzed doing it. Yeah, you don't want to disrespect the game.
It's not even disrespected. It's just like.
You just want to play your best. Yeah.
And it just. I feel like a kid.
One or two might loosen you up. I know.
I've heard that from a lot of people. A lot of fucking alcoholics.
There's a frost delay. And people are like, well, I guess I'm having a long island ice too.
It's like, damn. Yeah, well, you got to at nine at the turn, you got to reevaluate every time.
This thing's not going anywhere. 65 through nine.
You got to mix it up. Yeah, she was like saying something.
No one talked about her game at all? No, she can't hit the long bump? Apparently she plays fast. She can play.
They're all calling her a piece of shit, and not one person was like, yeah, and she sucks. She's probably good.
Do you guys have a tournament? Yeah. When? I don't know.
I think it's a pass, but yeah, we do. Oh, give me the date.
I'm going to turn that into the waste management.

I'm going to bring 2,000.

The waste management for any way.

People are getting so wasted.

I'm going to bring 2,000 dudes and scream the whole tournament.

I keep forgetting how popular the podcast is.

Like, yeah, you could bring people out.

We could have a nice meeting.

We could have a dogs meet up at your country club tournament.

Oh, my God.

Is it going to be?

Make it public.

All right.

Next year.

Just the ugly fucking car girls serving us.

They're not ugly.

I would not know.

I didn't even know the word car girls.

You don't know about car girls.

They're pretty great.

I didn't know.

I didn't know about that.

They're usually beautiful queens.

I always thought the pros just handled the cars.

By beautiful queens, I mean very young.

Oh, yeah.

High school kids.

Yeah.

Now that I'm saying that, I take it back.

I'm sorry. I didn't know about that.
They're usually beautiful queens. I always thought the pros just handled the current.
By beautiful queens, I mean very young.

Oh, yeah.

High school kids.

Yeah.

Now that I'm saying it, I take it back.

Now that I'm saying it, I take it back. Yeah.

That's gross.

As long as they are like high school.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

You're calling high school girls ugly?

It's impressive.

No.

I'm saying I don't even know if they're, you know, attractive or ugly, given.

Yeah.

You don't even look. Yeah.
I nod. I say whatever.
They don't have like a yearbook. Excuse me, do you have uncrustables? They go, no.
No. You're fine.
You ugly bitch. I'm going to tell everyone you guys are ugly.
Bitch doesn't even have an uncrustable. Oh, fuck.
I shanked it. Great.
Oh, man. I'd love to see you out there.
I'd love to go with you. Because I'm going to fuck it up for you.
And you're going to get unreasonably angry. I would be reasonably angry if you fucked it up.
Why? You know? It's fun to make a score. I love, like, the tension of it.
I don't take gimme putts. I love, like, making everything.
Yeah. it.
I can almost beat my best score. When I was playing with those old ladies, I was coming.
If I had parred the last hole, I was going to shoot an 80. Damn.
And then I quadruple bogeyed. Oh, really? You choked.
I choked so hard. I know I talked about it briefly.
Did they know the stakes? They knew. I tell everybody that I'm playing with what's going on to build attention.
What did they say to you after you quadruple bogeyed the last hole? Oh, you couldn't find it. Because, like, you know, I obviously hit one OB.
It was just you and old women golfing? Yeah. You were charming them, weren't you? They were charming me.
You were charming. We were having the having the time that's your type of fun it was so great yeah they were so nice they would just like keep poking the ball forward i love that and then uh just worm burners yeah yeah and there's one this one hole it's like really hard i got a got on the green too and she she turned to me she was like where where'd you go? I was like, I'm on the green.
She's like, woohoo!

I was like, yes!

They were just...

Isn't that nice? That's wholesome fun.

That's wholesome fun.

Yeah.

And then you went home and pounded your cock.

Smut porn

you find on Reddit. You fucking deviant.

I like porn.

It's the duality of man.

It really is the duality. You're out there like, oh, wahoo, I got a nice score.
I found a new genre. I'm fucking sunraining.
Do you ever look at like thumbnails and think, oh, that's for later? Yeah. Hold on.
I'll try to think. Because usually you might have that idea of like oh that's for later like you're saying next beat or we're gonna keep this beat going i'm gonna start with this and go to that no i'm saying for later yeah yeah i but then you come and you're like i'm never gonna jack off again oh no i was i was saying if well i don't remember it oh you're saying you see wait you're looking at porn when you're not jacking off you're like i'm keeping this yeah that's crazy you guys do that sometimes yeah do you know x videos it's got it it's rare it's rare yeah it is so we have down texas way they took a porn well see i'm not a big porn hub guy because to me that's all like you know what you're getting yeah and x videos wild card in there x videos throws a wild card and i'm into all that yeah so sometimes but uh yeah they'll have some some some thumbnails that you go that and you're just when are you doing this what do you mean so you're not jacking off you're just looking at porn correct where would you be in the world while you're doing something like sometimes it'll be like in my like lawn chair recliner watching golf or something on tv just toss some porn on i don't toss it on i go to the website so you know and you just you see what's new yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah sometimes you know when you're not in the mood you let it get you it's not like i'm checking it like I'm checking for messages.
You know what I mean?

I know, but I just like the idea of sitting in a lawn chair. I mean, yeah, I am going to jack off later.
Yeah. All right.
We've got that settled. Yeah, because sometimes the search is so frantic when you're in the midst of it that sometimes you want a detached, objective appraisal of what's out there.
And you're doing this too. Yeah.
It's almost like a mental joke. What? What? Yeah.
You know what? Do you remember when Matt was on his jelking kick? Yeah. Yeah.
And you're edging. Edging is more than you're thinking more edging.
What's jelking? Jelking, I think, is pulling your dick to try to make it bigger. Actually stretching.
Edging, yeah. And you do this.
Definitely. Yeah, every once in a while.
Where do you do it? Just while you're hanging out on the couch or something? Yeah, I mean, I haven't done it. You guys better not be doing this in public.
I know. I haven't done it recently.
Definitely. I used to.

I used to, like, when I was totally not in the mood, just be like, let's see.

I'm going to be in the mood.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you would find a video.

And you get in the mood pretty good.

Let me look at the menu.

Yeah.

Because I've got reservations later.

Yeah.

My girlfriend's going to leave the house for 30 minutes and five hours.

That is a lot of times with all. Of course.
Yep. I know she's going to be out or something.
She's going to be gone house for 30 minutes in five hours. That is a lot of times

with all. Of course.

I know she's going to be out or something. She's going to be gone tonight.

No, it's me time.

I haven't had me time in a while.

I haven't had me time

fucking forever. This is going to be great.

That is nice

when you're in a relationship and you get to catch a beat.

Yeah. Brings back to fun.

Yeah. No pressure.
Man, I remember this. Yeah.
You don't have to watch someone be disappointed. It's nice.
God, that, yeah. You don't like when you disappoint your lover.
No. What? That's just the funniest thing to ask.
That's all. It was just a funny question to ask.

Yeah, no, I don't.

The way I look at it, she better get hers.

Because I'm going to get mine.

The Bernie Mac set on that is as funny as it gets.

What's that?

In his Kings of Comedy set, he has like a cuck joke,

which I didn't even know they were making those back then.

I don't even.

He does it.

At one part of the set, he's like,

he's like, y'all fucking for 45 minutes? What you got to prove? Three minutes. Yeah.
That's all it takes. And she better get hers because I'm going to get mine.
She's like, I'm going to go get a younger man. Go get a bitch.
I'll watch. I'll be in the corner.
It's like really good.

That is hilarious.

God damn.

Yeah, the Kings of Comedy.

He's the best.

Bernie Mac sets.

The Def Jam one?

No, it's Kings of Comedy.

Yeah.

Do you remember the one, his set from the Apollo?

Kick it.

Yeah.

Yeah, he goes, I'm not afraid of you.

I ain't scared of you.

Yeah, I ain't scared of you.

That could be a fun thing to rewatch. It's just the Bernie Mac show.
Yeah, I'm sure afraid of you. I ain't scared of you.
Yeah, I ain't scared of you. That could be a fun thing to rewatch.

It's just the Bernie Mac show.

Yeah, I'm sure it's great.

Yeah.

Did that come?

Did that come?

Wait.

Oh, man, I miss Matt.

We need Matt.

Yeah, he's the best.

I wonder what he's up to.

I wonder what he's got going.

You know? He is. If you have to guess, what do you think he's up to? He's up best.
I wonder what he's up to. I wonder what he's got going.
You know?

He is.

If you had to guess, what do you think he's up to?

He's up to something.

Yeah, he's always, like, working on something.

He's working on, like, learning instruments.

I can't believe how good he is at instruments.

I don't know when he picked that up.

Was that late in life?

I think we had kids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's time to get out of the house a little.

Yeah, yeah.

Where do you find the time? And then he's always, like like i was dabbling a little bit i meant to talk to her yeah oh really like since he was a kid yeah i was dabbling a little bit in the uh that young in psychology stuff i meant to talk to him about it like the dark your shadow self yeah i don't i don't like that stuff you would if you like some of the stuff if you read of course i just like the ones that affirm my beliefs yeah yeah not anything that questions it no i i i was i was reading this healthy way to live nothing challenging yeah but this it is they're like uh i was reading a book that had like put together with his, some of his students or whatever. And it's just, it's just page after page of, it's like locker room pump up speeches.
Nice. About just battling inner demons.
It does get you fired the fuck up. That's good.
Yeah. It's, it's fun to, that's how you get hooked in.
Cause they don't really make arguments that they're right. They're just like, here's the thing, here's the thing, here's the thing, this thing, yeah.
Whatever happened with you two, you guys were intellectuals for a while. Yeah.
You guys were like Sam Harris guys. Yeah.
Weren't you guys like space, Elon Musk space guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever happened? Oh, you turned on him because you bought Twitter.
I didn't turn on him. Sure.

Sure.

I still watch the SpaceX launches.

I saw them land the Super Heavy. That whole fucking thing on Elon Musk worked a little.

People that don't know him at all are like, yeah, fuck that guy.

It worked.

The hippies.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They did a good job of tarnishing his.

I mean, not that he picked his side. He's out there doing some wild stuff.
Might have got pushed to his side, but he certainly picked his side. Yeah.
He's out there doing some wacky stuff. But I still like the...
Like, whenever he tweets that Tesla's doing well, I get excited. Whenever he tweets about SpaceX, I get pumped.
You guys are intellectuals, though. You're a big Sam Harris, man.
Yeah, it's just... Yeah, if you're asking, like, what happened, it's the same thing, I think, with comedy, where you're just like, I'm not good at this.
Honestly. I think you're good.
To try and have an actual opinion on something, and you have to be educated, it's really hard. It sucks.
And not turn into, like, a douche. Yes a douche yes just like that's what you guys were up against yeah you guys were about to be going toe to toe with that yeah and there's that's where the intellectual thing eventually goes yeah matt does a good job with it because matt's very funny about it yeah but if you pursue the intellectual what are you gonna give a fucking speech yeah it's brutal and and also and yeah and you and then what your whole identity sort of kind of gets wrapped up in it to where it's really difficult to getting focused on trying to change other people's minds sucks i think getting...
Yeah, you're basically worrying what's going on. Worried about like, yeah, trying to change someone's mind sucks.
That's what I like. Matt's intellectual stuff is a personal journey.
Yeah. Especially because he's telling me most of the time and I'm always like, yeah, I don't like that.
He's like, that's fine if you don't like it if you don't like it. I don't.
Let's talk about football. That's what people want on our podcast.
They want football. Yeah but you do a little bit of the same thing.
What do you mean? I feel like you're like a historical intellectual. I thought I was until I opened my fucking mouth on a podcast and then read comments.
Turns out I don't know shit.

Yeah, but do they know anything?

No.

They're commenting on the internet.

Sometimes you've got to read a story about a guy.

Some people know, yeah.

Every once in a while a dork will fucking drill you on YouTube.

He'll be like, fuck.

They'll put a link in there.

Damn, I was wrong.

Way out of line.

But then you get to be right once you read the thing. Yeah.
Oh, you change your mind and admit you were wrong? Yeah. You grow.
You can change. I'm still waiting for that day.
I'm still waiting for that day. Well, I think we've probably hit a wall on this one.
Yeah. We're deep.
Gerby, is there any gross shit you're up to? I don't.

I do like to hear about your sexual ways.

I know.

It's okay if you don't have anything.

You've been busy.

You're probably tired from work.

It is.

That's why I feel so bad.

You haven't been able to pleasure your woman as much because you've been tired.

Yeah.

There's just not a lot.

Do you just lay on the bed and let her have at it?

No. Do you lay down again? No, I can do some groundwork.
Go ahead. Do what you will.
Yeah, apologize. Stop.
You're fine. I apologize about.
I feel like right on the right on the head so our whole day is doing something that we shouldn't be talking about yeah and then the rest of the day i just i look a stare vacantly i've been watching harry potter that's it that's fun it is fun harry potter double door dies and snape's the fucking man i know that i know that As soon as Sadie told me, she me she was like we're watching harry potter he's chris has never seen i was like dumbledore and you actually did not know that i don't know you knew snape was a good i knew dumbledore i think it's like all the stuff i've sort of seen on one level or another but i haven't like actually watched the movies. They're pretty good.
Harry Potter fucking rules. Yeah they're really good.
Order of the Phoenix was fucking awesome. And fucking Dumbledore fucking hit turn it just disappearing with the Phoenix.
I don't remember which ones are which. I remember I farted real loud during a Harry Potter because my friends loved Harry Potter so we would go to like the midnight showings.
and in harry potter i hit a nice fart on a silent moment it became a thing i liked to do as far as loud as i could during and it was this is back when movie theaters were packed you know yeah yeah and yeah it's very fun that's hilarious silent moment for yes did you get a laugh yeah crushed you get a big laugh that's one of my favorite videos ever is a guy farting risk of shitting your pants no You know me. You get a big laugh.
One of my favorite videos ever is a guy farting. Were you at all at risk of shitting your pants? No.
You know me. You know how I hit farts, bro.
What were you saying? My favorite video is a guy farting during Oppenheimer. The fucking, when they press it, it's like three.
It's just silent before the bomb goes off. There's a video of a guy farting.
And like six people are in the theater. There's a guy in the front all the way by himself like, ah.
But it's just wonderful because they wasted, that movie's 90 hours long, and they finally got to the most important part, and the guy's like, pfft. Yeah.
It's great. It's fun stuff.
Me and Soda went to a Down Syndrome movie theater once when we were on the road I always thought those were fiction they exist everybody everyone working there had Downs like popcorn guy ticket guy everybody and which was great they were pumped you go in they're like what movie are you going to see I forget what it was they're like it's fucking incredible it's going to win best picture I think but we got in there and the farted real loud and we were fucking dying laughing like that for out the whole movie we were laughing because it was just it was an empty we were we're in like albany new york or one of these places on the road and just during the day saw a movie so the theater's empty other than us and like a guy like three rows behind us and he farted so we were howling laughing the rest of the movie we couldn't stop laughing and then at the very end i looked back up when we were all getting ready i was like who did this i can't wait to see this man and he also was mentally disabled zipping up and down shouldn't have been making fun of that guy yeah dude i bet that place ran smoothly it did yeah they were hyped yeah everybody was happy to work there. Yeah.
That's heaven. Popcorn soda.
Popcorn soda stoked on every movie. Yeah.
Go to every movie for free. They kept coming in to watch the movie.
This guy was just a mop coming in. He's standing there for 45 minutes and be like, oh, shit.
Got to go back to work. It's a good gig for those fellas.
God damn. Well, that's good.
Yeah. We'll get some more.
We'll get fired up. We'll get a daytime one coming up.
Okay. Where we're a little more, we'll think of something funny.
We could get Kyle on, too. We could get Kyle on.
She's under the weather. Everyone's fucking sick.
Yeah. There's gonna be some rough takes this week.
Kylo is sick as fuck. There's gonna be some lines in the show where she's under the weather.
Everyone's fucking sick. Yeah.
There's going to be some rough takes this week.

Kylo is sick as fuck.

There's going to be some lines in the show where she's like,

this is not usable.

All right, well, we'll be back.

Yeah.

We'll get it. We'll get it next week.
We'll get a daytime one. Maybe a weekend one.

Weekend one would be nice.

You threw a couple of brewskis.

A couple of brewskis in there.

You could have three. I'm out.
My gun's slanking. I don't know how you guys do it.
No, no, no. It's pretty easy.
You don't have to. You're going to have the best time of your life every single time.
You take four days off and go, what the fuck? Being sober sucks. I'm going to get fucked up as soon as Friday is done.
And it's also a help if politics comes up. You don't look at the floor and go, yeah, it is complicated.
No, you stand your ground and go, hey, listen, you're a fucking dumbass. You don't know shit.
I actually know. I listen to Tim Dillon.
No, I was jealous before. It's almost like when you're single, jacking off is kind of sad.
The same way like drinking when you don't have really worked during the day is kind of like, damn, what am I doing? Now you work Monday through Friday. You go, I got to be sober.
Friday is going to fucking rule. You know what I mean? It's back.
The thrill is back. And Saturday can rule.
Saturday is going to rock, dude. The Halloween party? Yeah.
I might kill you at the Halloween party. Yeah, you got to kill me, yeah.
Sunday is the real, that's the question. Sunday, I almost fell on Sunday.
I was just sitting by myself watching the Eagles. I had that fridge full of beer for the night before.
I was like, I could. I could have a couple.
I got a text that was like 7 a.m call time i can't have one or i'll quit the show that's this this yeah the scary sunday is the scariest because you you go i'm so hung over one would actually help just one one would actually level me out i'm back two's gonna make me feel even better We're rolling. Just one.
One would actually level me out. Holy shit, I'm back.
Two's going to make me feel even better. We're rolling.
All right, we got to stop. Kirby's, you got to go to bed.
I got to go to the gym. Nice.
You jacked this season. No, I'm not jacked.
Getting your clothes, Taylor. You're going to be the most handsome guy.
I feel so much better if I... Of course.
I'll leave you alone. All right.
Thank you, Steven. Thank you.
You seem really sad about this.

Because I know how much you're carrying here, and I don't want...

I'm not carrying anything.

Yeah.

We'll get another one going.

All right.

Yeah, what are you talking about?

You carry this with your golf stuff.

I got to come prepare with a list.

Really?

Yeah.

I got to do better for you.

I got to do better for you.

You'll be able to think

of some stuff all right well but we'll make well you and i will make a list next time all right

all right compare notes thank you everyone see you