Ep 523 - Shirtless Workers (feat. Ralph Barbosa)

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, Wes.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah, dude. Rolling.
Hold on. I gotta show off the hat.
Yeah, flip that.

Speaker 1 This took like a good hour

Speaker 1 of work here. Damn, were you? You stopped at the Bass Pro? No, yeah.
Oh, you got the ass pro. Damn.

Speaker 1 You scratched off the beat. You did it a clean job, too.
Oh, yeah. Well, I didn't do it.
My sister did, but it took like an hour. Your sister hooked you up? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Was it her idea, or did you be like, did you like my idea? Obviously, yeah. I bought like five of these too in case I fucked up so I can keep trying.

Speaker 1 But I just, I asked my sister to do it and she got it on her first try. Really? Yeah.
Clean, man. Man, keep moving this table.
Oh, you're good, bro. Damn, that's fucking sick.
Yeah, man.

Speaker 1 I had a vision and she executed it.

Speaker 1 I know, I know people have done these before, but I just, I finally have mine, you know? Yeah, exactly. This is like my greatest possession now.
That's your logo. The ass pro shop.

Speaker 1 That's so nice. That's what I'm going to call my strip club when I own one.
You want to own a strip club? Yeah, I think that'd be cool. I just wouldn't run it.
Yeah, just own it. Yeah.
Just enjoy it.

Speaker 1 Every time I've seen a guy who runs a strip club, it's like he has muscles. Yeah.
And he's usually like Eastern European. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I used to deliver beer to a strip club when I was younger, and it was like, it's pretty rugged, man. They got the money counters going.
It looks cool.

Speaker 1 You got the money counters, but they do look pretty beaten down. And that's because, dude, imagine that's your workforce.
You got to keep, you know,

Speaker 1 you got to manage some pretty wild women. I don't know.
I think maybe I could do it, though. I probably just have to start doing a lot of cocaine.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Would you, are you worried that you might kind of like simp out to all the strippers working for you? No. I would simp.
I would, yeah, yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 If I had like 12 strippers, I had to maintain, I would simp. If I had 12, I'd simp to maybe two.
Yeah. That's not fun.
But then the other one would get the other ones would get jealous.

Speaker 1 The rest I would, I would treat so badly. Yeah.
You would be such a pimp. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's always been a dream of mine to just be like a horrible person, like a horrible pimp, you know? Yeah, true. I watch like movies where they, what was that show? Did you ever watch that show with?

Speaker 1 By the way, Ralph Obroso, thanks for doing the podcast, bro. I'm terrible at introducing people.
Nah, no problem. You're good man.
Let's talk about Pimpin' though. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 What's that show with James Franco and who was it? The Deuce.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, that was good.
Yeah, and the show, The Pimps Outside Target. Bro, that show made Pimpin look so cool.
Every show makes it look so cool.

Speaker 1 But why is it it such a frowned upon, I guess, because they treat women so badly? Yeah, like real bad. Do you ever read

Speaker 1 Iceberg Slim? I almost called him Ice T. Did you ever read Iceberg Slim's autobiography? I bought the book, and then I read, like, within the first chapter.
I think the first chapter made me cry.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, it's so sad. It's so sad.

Speaker 1 I couldn't read on anymore.

Speaker 1 You got to get cold, man. Strengthen up that pimping, though.

Speaker 1 I feel like that's like, you know, depending on where your state of mind is, that Iceberg Slim book could be like somebody's 48 laws of power. Exactly, yeah.
It can really get you.

Speaker 1 Although, dude, I don't know if anyone is built for that. If you got to find like a girl down on her luck, and then you got to convince her to go fuck eyes for you for money.

Speaker 1 People don't get mad if you pimp men. No.
Like, if you think about a good leadership, that's just being a good pimp. True.

Speaker 1 This is working your men, you know, and making them productive, getting in their head to make them the most productive. Yeah, nobody talks about the pimps of male prostitutes.
Are there pimps?

Speaker 1 Are they male prostitutes just cowboys or like are they arranged by like a strong domineering man who like slaps them this is some

Speaker 1 somebody who goes and slaps the old lady who doesn't want to pay

Speaker 1 well male prostitutes pretty much only have sex with men what male prostitutes have sex with men yeah dude that's like 95 of what they do i don't i

Speaker 1 thought i because i thought about becoming a male prostitute when i was in college I actually put out an ad on Craigslist being like, yo, I'm open for business.

Speaker 1 My friend told me, he's like, dude, male prostitutes.

Speaker 1 Okay, if you're going off like Craigslist data, dude, I'm telling you, I think the real data is it's like prostitutes, men and women prostitutes, like 99, well, women prostitutes, 99.9, if not 100% of the time, service men.

Speaker 1 And male prostitutes also overwhelmingly service men. I guess men, obviously.
I guess that makes sense. I mean, women get to choose most of the time who they want to bang, you know? Exactly.

Speaker 1 So they're not calling. I mean, I think maybe like there's that whole idea there's like gigolos that have sex.
And it's, I think it's like so rare.

Speaker 1 Because I thought I'd be out there just like banging fucking horny rich rich MILFs and it was just, I got no, I got literally got no.

Speaker 1 You got no response? Not even from men? Not even from men. That got to hurt, bro.
It did hurt, dude. It did.
Not even the men.

Speaker 1 But, dude,

Speaker 1 we took my, in college, I took my roommate's number and I used like a prank I would do on people.

Speaker 1 I would put them on like Craigslist personals and just kind of like give them their number and they'd get like weird phone calls.

Speaker 1 And I put my roommate's number up with this like story about how he was like a young, gay college man who was like looking for an older, more experienced man because like these younger men didn't know.

Speaker 1 dude, his eye, like, hit publish, his phone rang off the hook for like for real, like 12 hours. Damn, bro.
That's good for him. What does he do now? He's an accountant.
He's an accountant?

Speaker 1 He went for that?

Speaker 1 He was pissed. He found out what I did to him, and he was like, Don't ever do that ever.
Even as a straight dude, I think knowing I could have had that much business as a bro, it didn't.

Speaker 1 And I built a nice narrative, though. I was like, I'm a young man looking for an older, gay man who knows what he wants.
And it was just

Speaker 1 non-stop. Bro, that dude could have killed it.
And you could have just pimped him. That's what I'm saying.
Make some money.

Speaker 1 I should have had more of a business mind about it, man, because I could have put him out there and made a lot of money on him. I think that,

Speaker 1 like, and this is sound,

Speaker 1 what do you call it? This is

Speaker 1 very

Speaker 1 dude-ish. Maybe it's like misogynistic, but

Speaker 1 whoever started strip clubs, like, man.

Speaker 1 Like, I got, like, hats off to that guy. Yeah.
Because this guy saw women, or who knows? I don't know history that well, it could have been a male strip club, the first one, right?

Speaker 1 But this guy saw Greeks, yeah, yeah, thank you, Greeks. This guy saw somebody and was like, Oh man, that like that's hot.
Look how she moves, right?

Speaker 1 And then he noticed that other guys also liked that, and so he's just like,

Speaker 1 People will pay money for this, yeah, like let's put this in a building, yeah, because it was brothels, and yeah, some guy was like, Oh, hold on, no, no, no, don't fuck these guys, like, well, you kind of can if they're, you know, if we can figure out something, but it was like, Yeah, just have them dance, it's a good idea, make more money off the temptation.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then, all right, so then you're a strip club owner, right? I wonder when the first strip club happened.
Or like what? I'd be curious, too. 1800s? I'm guessing.
I think so.

Speaker 1 Some sort of version was brothels. I feel like they're probably kind of modern.
It went from brothels to strip clubs. I think.
Although people always had dancing girls, so I don't know.

Speaker 1 Like, when's the first one who kind of like industrialized the dancing girls?

Speaker 1 Yo, 1947. All right.
So 1947, right? And then pretty recent through from 47 to like 48, 49, 50s, people, you know, you got your successful strip clubs here and there, right?

Speaker 1 And you're a business mongo. You're just this titan in the strip club industry, and you're looking for the next best thing, the next best stripper.
And out of nowhere, you see a woman twerk.

Speaker 1 Whoa, that's got to be like seeing the first Ali Oop. True, true.

Speaker 1 That is big, but holy fuck, I didn't think about that. This guy sees a woman twerk.

Speaker 1 Do you think, like, uh, you think strip clubs were like in America, they were like mostly like, like, almost like the sports were like very white.

Speaker 1 And then, like, black ladies and other ladies, like, hit the strip clubs, and everyone's like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think that was, I think probably when black ladies hit strip clubs, that was when like black dudes hit the NBA.

Speaker 1 It was the same time, and everyone's just like, what the fuck? All the white women were like, fuck, she's taking all my fucking tips. Like, I can't even do that thing that she's doing.

Speaker 1 And they're just humping the ground trying to twerk. Yeah, man.
That must have been kind of crazy. I can't imagine what it would have been.

Speaker 1 Like a strip club in 1940 would have been 1947, 1950 would have been crazy.

Speaker 1 I think it's crazy to think of like how, like,

Speaker 1 how did twerking even start?

Speaker 1 And I know, I know somebody's going to hear this and be like, this is such a dude conversation. But like I said, maybe a man first twerked.
True.

Speaker 1 Maybe it was a man they were trying to tame at first and you know, draft to their strip club. But like, how do you even think of that?

Speaker 1 How do you first, yeah, it's actually, I would imagine black ladies started it. And it's like, because I feel like they did it back in like the juvenile videos, like, in like the early 2000s.

Speaker 1 I mean, they were definitely the ones with the goods, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 1 White ladies just figured out kind of how to do it. Yeah.
I've watched like old movies. Like, you ever seen Roadhouse? Yeah, I have.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you remember that girl who, like, she's like the girlfriend of, what's his name? The bad guy? I don't remember his name. Yeah, I remember Patrick Sways.
He's a good guy.

Speaker 1 It was one of those movies I saw too where I kind of was like in and out of it, but I watched it. The young blonde chick, she's like the hot chick of the whole movie, and she's like dancing all sexy.

Speaker 1 She doesn't twerk once. Not at all.
That was the sexiest of dancing at those times, I imagine. It was, dude.
Yeah, it was.

Speaker 1 It was like a skinny white lady with a flat butt, kind of just like sliding up and down. Yeah.
There's no like, there's no acrobatics to it. Yeah, and then

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't know if it was just like the 90s or somewhere.
Like, like, would you say with juvenile, right? Early 2000s, late 90s.

Speaker 1 Black ladies just changed the game. They really did take over.

Speaker 1 And I'm just glad that, like, well, I don't know, I haven't done too much research on it, but I'm just glad that nobody's ever tried to stop other races from twerking because you know, this is very touchy these days, the cultural appropriation, yeah, stealing culture vulture and whatnot.

Speaker 1 But that one right there is like that's a gift, yeah, that's a gift to humanity.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can't, you can't guard that, yeah, I agree, and yeah, and it's like, I feel like, I don't know, I feel like black ladies kind of like if anyone like tries to twerk, even like a white, they'll kind of like encourage her.

Speaker 1 What I've seen, they'll like, I mean, they might laugh and you know, kind of tease a little bit, but just a little hazing. Yeah.
So they're very, yeah, they, they'll give up the goods.

Speaker 1 They'll teach you how to do it.

Speaker 1 If you want to learn, they will teach you. I don't want to learn, but on to onto, you know, we're talking about like business

Speaker 1 entrepreneurs and stuff. I might be able to start like the first school of twerking.
Or there, I'm sure there has to be one by now already. Yeah, but you can start it up.
You can run it.

Speaker 1 But y'all can have one. There's probably not many of them.

Speaker 1 No, yeah, there's like pole dance classes if you started like a straight up twerking class yeah just go to like a nice gentrified neighborhood yeah you would get it you'd have you might have to like soften the blow by being like we're a pole dancing place but we have a twerking class within that i'll be like there's no men here it's like um contactless boxing you ever see there's boxing classes where oh yeah we train but they never fight yeah so it's like there's no penises around just go and twerk yeah

Speaker 1 you know just so we don't get canceled we'll have to probably take on a few men as clients but you would. They would hit.
There's always like two guys and like a.

Speaker 1 I don't mind watching two, three guys shake their asses as long as it comes with like the business of all these other women shaking their asses. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 It'd be good for you kind of having like two guys there. I'd imagine they'd be gay guys, too.
So that'd be good. Maybe.
Probably. Yeah, most definitely.

Speaker 1 I can see the ad for it now, like the commercial. It's just like a successful stripper with like a bunch of money down her waistline.
And she's just twerking. She's like, thanks, Ralph Barvolta.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're going to like more technical school. Yeah.
Oh, I like that. And then the guy she's dancing on is also like, and thanks for me, too, Ralph.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if you're going to go the vocational route, do you, what do you think about?

Speaker 1 Um, I don't know the legality of this, but built doing like kind of like a in-school, like taking it to the high schools. That way, they get like the best shot

Speaker 1 of becoming professional.

Speaker 1 I'm saying for like the economic advantage. You see, bro, that's the beginning of our, of my downfall of my business.

Speaker 1 I think I'm just fucking weirdo who wants to get high school girls like, hey, how about you put on this cheerleading outfit while you do it?

Speaker 1 Talking about, no, I would look, I didn't want to do that, but I'm saying, if you're saying going vocational, like they have, like, you know, you can learn to be a, you know, like a hairdresser, like take these vocations, these like true vocations.

Speaker 1 No, you must be at least 21. You could keep the safety gloves on.
You could be like fully clothed, you know, like

Speaker 1 just kind of doing like Pilates, just getting them ready, just building them up. I don't want to do this business no more.

Speaker 1 You've ruined my American dream.

Speaker 1 I didn't say you should. I was saying what if.
That'd be crazy. Just want to

Speaker 1 be a little pretty. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Could you imagine the weird illegalities and gray areas you'd get into? Bro, yeah. Never mind.
I'm glad you poked a hole in this dream.

Speaker 1 No, you can still do it. You just got to stay out of the schools.
College? You can get an elective in college. That'd be cool.
No, I'm done. I'm done.

Speaker 1 I'm just going to go to a strip club and just

Speaker 1 enjoy that. There is something very nice about just giving a beautiful woman money.
Just being like, here, I want you to have this. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're beautiful and you're naked, and I think you should have, I work hard for this, and I really want you to have it. It's easy to give money to people when they're naked.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Even homeless people. You're seeing a naked homeless guy approach you.
You're just like, bro, take it out of it. Fuck off.

Speaker 1 I saw a lady walking down the street. I don't think she was homeless, but it was like this Indian lady just had her tits out.

Speaker 1 She's walking down the street, smiling, just kind of like, I think she was making like a statement.

Speaker 1 There's a big like women's liberation movement where they should be able to show their tits in public. That's a liberation movement?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because it's like, dude, think about how unfair that is, dude. We can take our shirts off in public.
We can? Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 Yes, you can.

Speaker 1 Like in anywhere.

Speaker 1 To a certain degree. I'm pretty sure if I walk into CVS, they're going to be like, whoa, what the fuck are you doing, bro?

Speaker 1 They will, but if you can walk down the street and you can work a construction job, you can be a roofer and have your shirt off all day. A woman can never take her shirt off.

Speaker 1 You can't take your shirt off during a construction job. Yes, you can.
No, you cannot. You know how many guys work shirtless in construction? You work construction.
I grew up working construction.

Speaker 1 i did it my whole life this isn't like a ymca video like

Speaker 1 i'm telling you dudes do it there's roofers that are just i think now there's a lot of safety in construction now but back in the day there were dudes in like the early 90s and 80s who didn't wear a shirt every day look bro

Speaker 1 maybe you grew up in this shirtless america of men

Speaker 1 i'm telling you i'm telling you right now it's dying out it is it is dying out it is dying women might as well not even fight for it either why and and then we're not even gonna like,

Speaker 1 you ever go a long time without seeing boobs and then you see boobs? You're going to lose that excitement because there's going to be everywhere. That's true.
That's what's going to happen.

Speaker 1 That's true. Women's liberation.
They're going to liberate a whole bunch of

Speaker 1 male. What do you call it? You can't get hard?

Speaker 1 Yeah, E-D. E-D, erectile dysfunction.
That's all that.

Speaker 1 To me, women's liberation just equals erectile dysfunction. I think you're so right.

Speaker 1 And as Republican as that sounds, I just want people to know I haven't voted, so don't start thinking, but no, come on. I know what you're saying.
This goes beyond politics.

Speaker 1 If you're seeing titties all day, every day, it does fucking, and also the bra, like, protects them. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It fights gravity for a while. Imagine all the mosquitoes and bug bites you're going to have on your boobs.
It's going to be rough. You're seeing.
It's stabilizing.

Speaker 1 To see a lady with just her tits out in public, I was like, what the fuck? It's crazy. If you imagine that times 40, it's like my days out.
You're living in a different world now. But I'm not.

Speaker 1 At the same time, I'm not like totally totally against it there should be like an assignment from birth like there's a certain percentage of all men and a certain percentage of all women should be assigned to be shirtless in life

Speaker 1 i like this and if they want to if they want shirts they gotta like petition for it file paperwork and stuff you know and or if people who are who do are shirts in the world and they want to become skins they also got to do the paperwork true they can go back and forth yeah damn it'd be sick if you had a skins family.

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Speaker 1 And I like to spoil them.

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Speaker 1 I would like that. Just random, like, and then, you know, there'd be like movements for it.
They'll be like, I don't want to be a skin ever again.

Speaker 1 Other people, they'd be like, we should all be skins, like skin America.

Speaker 1 Yeah, true. That would be shirts and skins would be a great move.
I used to always love when I played basketball and I'd get caught like my half of the team, like, you guys are skins.

Speaker 1 I'd be like, yes hell yeah i love that

Speaker 1 yeah we're in a penny i'd be come on man that sucks you play basketball growing up yeah we used to play we used to play a lot at at a at a school at an elementary school near my house yeah yeah yeah we um there's like a lot of older dudes like like when we were in when we were maybe like 10 12 there's a lot of teenagers that would come from the apartments down the street though and just kind of like take over Yeah, yeah, but I got pretty good, so I got to like stay.

Speaker 1 But my friends, they sucked. They had to go.
Yeah. I mean, we were all Mexican, me and my friends.
And so, I mean, there wasn't much skill there anyway. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But I was probably the most skilled of Mexicans. I don't know if that makes me the least Mexican of them because I was the only one good at basketball.
Yeah, you don't see a lot.

Speaker 1 You don't see a lot of Mexican basketball players.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I got to stay. I was never that good at soccer, though.
Really? Yeah. And that, yeah.
Well, yeah, you were playing basketball, totally different thing. But I had a very,

Speaker 1 what do you call it? Like, head-first mentality. So, like, if I did go play soccer, I wasn't afraid to kind of just dive for shit, just run in there.

Speaker 1 You had a head-to-first, yeah, it's literally a head-first mentality. Literally, head first.
Yeah, damn. So, you were just like just jumping in.
You didn't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 Yeah, should have played football, bro. Anytime the soccer ball came to me, I just kicked the shit out of it.
That's a good move. Yeah, yeah.
Did you play defense or offense or like just rips?

Speaker 1 I don't know, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a good move just to kick the ball as hard as you can.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I tried to sign up for football once, but man, my coach, I mean, he was right, but I was in the seventh grade, and at the end of the school year, they let you sign up for eighth grade football.

Speaker 1 And my P coach was like, hell no. Like, he let you do it.
Yeah, because I was like, like, kind of a troublesome kid in his class. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was just, I would never dress out for PE. Like when they made us wear like shorts and shirts and stuff.
I would like sometimes change, right? Wear like. Do you want to get changed?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just like, because we'd be dumb. We'd wear like the shorts, but then not the shirts.
We'd still wear like our school polo. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Or sometimes we just take off like the polo just wear a white tee and like all right we changed but we just want to put it up and start playing whatever we um somebody one time just gave me like a lot of dice i don't remember how i got it it was like a box of dice yes all wrapped in little plastic baggies like they sell them or something and so i started bringing them to school and one of the kids taught us how to shoot dice like and uh Yeah, the coach caught us with those a couple times.

Speaker 1 He was just like, man, like, the fuck is y'all's problem? What the fuck are you guys doing? I mean, not taking off the shirt would drive me crazy.

Speaker 1 If I was doing a gym class and you put on the shorts, I'm like, bro, why won't you put your fucking shirt on? What is this? That dude, we just like being trolls. It is fun.

Speaker 1 I was very bad in school, especially health classes. I used to, the teacher I had, I had older brothers, and my older brother's like, dude, that guy's a fucking bitch.
Fuck that guy.

Speaker 1 So I went in, like, I'm going to fuck this guy up. Yeah, and I did.
I would fuck with him. I went to an all-boys Catholic high school.
So we would like be in the this is how this is fucked up.

Speaker 1 We'd be noticing that there's like

Speaker 1 a heavy man pattern in your life. Oh, yeah.
Heavy men, smell of prostitution, shirtless male.

Speaker 1 It's just men, dude. It's so, I'm so masked.
It's crazy. I'm so masculine.

Speaker 1 Catholic male school. All boys.
You know how fucked up it is to like separate a young boy from women for like four years, basically. That's horrible.
It's weird, dude. What did you do to deserve that?

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 and then did you have sisters? Yeah, I did. I had two little sisters.
And then how many brothers? I have two older brothers and one little brother. Okay.
Male-dominated siblings.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my dad's one of 10, mostly men as well. Did you, did you, in health class, did they ever give you guys the baby to take care of? No.
No, bro. No, I went to all boy school.
That's very realistic.

Speaker 1 They're like, that's a fucking woman's job. Like, why would we give you guys that? No, we never had that, dude.

Speaker 1 But we had our gym teacher, who was also the health teacher, would come when we were getting changed, and he'd be like, he would be like, you guys got to get naked and hit the shower.

Speaker 1 And I'd always be like, I'm not getting naked and getting the fucking shower. I'll just be sweaty.

Speaker 1 yeah it was pretty intense it was really intense it was really intense but what he would do when the prayer would come on everyone have to stop what they were doing so when the prayer came on i would just pull my pants down a little bit and just show my ass

Speaker 1 out for the prayer and every time he'd be like dude you told me to stop i was getting naked to hit the shower

Speaker 1 he would get so mad wait how often would you guys pray uh it would like come on i think at the beginning of every period like some different like prayer would come on you have to stop for it and they would do like a it's got to be weird if it comes on while everybody's in the showers showers yeah that would be nuts yeah i don't know i don't know much about catholic school though it was just it was like it was they stopped hitting kids like when i was in like first grade that's where that's where they fucked up yeah they should have kept it up did they hit you in kindergarten i got smacked by a principal once and then i had a actually had a priest in high school who hit my head into a chalkboard what i had said something about his knee he was kind of like fucking around Actually, it turned out he actually had some pretty heavy charges against him later on for kid stuff.

Speaker 1 Just beating up kids

Speaker 1 for loving them too much. Yeah, loving them.
Damn.

Speaker 1 He had a hate-love relationship with kids.

Speaker 1 But he had a niece, and I remember his niece was like our age. And I kept saying, I was like, bringing his niece to the prom.

Speaker 1 I didn't know the lady, but I was like, I'm going to bring your niece to the prom and give her ecstasy. I didn't even know what ecstasy was.

Speaker 1 But I

Speaker 1 said it to the priest. This sounds like a good time.
He grabbed my head. It was awesome.
Dude, all boy school was funny. Imagine the

Speaker 1 taking the niece to the prom. I know.
On the ex. I know.

Speaker 1 I want to teach your niece how to twerk. Yeah, true.

Speaker 1 What is that? He literally grabbed my head and went bonk into the chalkboard. And I was like, all right, all right, my bad.
I deserve that. Yeah, that'll teach you some respect, bro.
It did.

Speaker 1 I grew up getting hit. So it was like, no, it was, you know.
Where is this at? This was outside of Philadelphia. Oh, shit.
So this was in actually, I went to school in Wilmington, Delaware.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay. But you guys were holding down the front, no shirts.

Speaker 1 You guys, who's you guys? Your school. I'm saying your school.
The thing you did to your teacher was not

Speaker 1 put on the shirt. I mean, we had shirts.
We just didn't have like the shirt. You wouldn't put on the shirt.
That's what I'm saying. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, I'm just, I'm just trying to bring the conversation back to you. Picturing me shirtless as a kid, man.
I'm not picturing you shirtless as a kid. You got issues, bro.

Speaker 1 No, I'm saying you guys wouldn't wear the gym shirt. Sometimes I'm picturing you in a polo buttoned up to the top, your hair combed over.
You're like an angel.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm just like in a little polo and then some shorts. What else? Were you bad at? Like, what else did you do? That was like the, what was like the worst thing you did as a kid?

Speaker 1 One time I broke into a house. Did you really? Yeah.
What'd you do um

Speaker 1 so it's like me and a couple kids that i went to middle school with we skipped school one day

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 we just we broke into a the

Speaker 1 dude's house that my friend said he knew this supposedly it was his buddy i was like bro i don't want to hang out with you anymore after the day like he's broke into his friend do you take anything um nah supposedly that guy had like weed in there and i guess in my mind i was like oh we'll take the weed and yeah and then we'll be rich i don't know how much weed went for i was like 12 or 13.

Speaker 1 i was just like a lot you know we're gonna we're gonna be like what's that we're gonna be like that movie blow i just kept imagining that and um we looked around in there but i started feeling really weird being in there yeah and then um they called me to the kitchen they're like yo yo come over here and i went i went over there and

Speaker 1 like we weren't i didn't grow up like poor or nothing but i just For some reason, I had never seen Nutella before and none of my friends had either. Yeah.
And so they were like,

Speaker 1 look at this. Like, try it.
And so we discovered Nutella. We're just like, oh, shit, like, this is good.
That's huge. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so we just sat there eating like Nutella with like their bread or like their Nutella snack packs. Like,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 we heard somebody getting home. How'd you get in first of all? Before you, I don't want to.

Speaker 1 I actually found a way in through the back. Oh, nice.
Yeah. My friend was like, most of the time.
front doors just open like in some of these houses. This guy had a,

Speaker 1 he had an MO, you know. And I was like, well, I'll try the back because I used to get locked out of my house a lot.
So I figured out little ways. And

Speaker 1 I was like, this window reminds me of my window, you know? Yep.

Speaker 1 But yeah, I just. They pulled up on you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I heard people get in there.

Speaker 1 And I always,

Speaker 1 this is like dumb. Because I always thought like this was like an act of bravery.
Like I deserve some sort of medal.

Speaker 1 But then at the end of the day, it's like, I was just the bravest criminal that day.

Speaker 1 But when we're in the kitchen eating the newlla and i and i heard somebody approaching the door i ran to the front door to like lock it and

Speaker 1 locked them out of their house yeah because they had a dead bolt yeah yeah and my friends ran to the back door like it just was a like we just froze looked at each other and then everybody ran and there was like three or four friends that ran out the back so i ran and i locked the door and then i ran out the back and i closed the back door so hard that it didn't even like close.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it just bounced. It was like a, yeah, because it was like a sliding door, so it just like slid and then boom, like slid back open.
And I just ran for my life, and I was just so scared.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. Yeah, that's the day I realized, like, bro, I'm a little bitch.
Like, I'm not cut out for

Speaker 1 just all their bread just crushed and the Nutella out. They're probably like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 Man, so we went to my buddy's house who lived not too far from there, and we'd take little peeks where we'd walk down to that street just to see if like there was cops. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But they never caught the cops. I think whoever there was just like, fucking the raccoons.

Speaker 1 For real. That That big animal got into my house.

Speaker 1 I had kids burglarize me one time where I was like living in this house in West Philly and it's a bad neighborhood and I didn't have like a back door on the house.

Speaker 1 There was just this like, I don't know if you, how to describe it. Like, you know, in stores when they have like a, um,

Speaker 1 it's like a gate, but it's like, it's just like metal slats against each other, like crisscrossed. Yeah.
It's supposed to be like outside of a door. It was just that.

Speaker 1 So like I had that thing and I had a chain around it kind of keeping it tight. But there was like, if you were little enough, you can get in.

Speaker 1 I had kids get, they like stole my change, broke into my house, stole all. I had so much fucking change, and they stole my change.
And I was like, all right, fair enough.

Speaker 1 Out of all the things, that's what they got. Exactly.
I had like a gun in my house, too. So I'm glad they didn't get that.
They're like, those little kids remind me of like Robert De Niro and Heat.

Speaker 1 Or they like, they knew what they were going after. They did the Bonds.
They did, dude. They wanted the change to get the candy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Our response time 2021. They had our response time clock.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I remember being like, no adult could have fit fit through that little, and I was like, motherfucker, it was those kids. Bro, you got to get a BB gun and shoot the kids.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I've thought about paintball gun. Paintball gun would be nice.

Speaker 1 I knew there was a guy I knew who had, like, he was like an HVAC guy, and he had this like big yard in this area outside Philadelphia called Chester.

Speaker 1 And it's like a really, it's like a really fucked up area. And he, so if you have a yard in Chester, it's like you'd have like scrap metal and shit.
So people would break in, take your scrap metal.

Speaker 1 So he started a Friday tradition where he would sit on the roof and just drink beer with a paintball gun and just let the sun as soon as the sun would set, people would start coming over the fence and he would just fucking light up everything.

Speaker 1 It was pretty fun. Hell yeah.
And within his right. It was within his right, but people would think they were really getting shot and be like, oh,

Speaker 1 because they hurt, man. They fucking hurt.
Nah, they do. The first time I ever went paintballing, I got shot right in my

Speaker 1 left nut. Oh, really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's like one kid from every group who gets shot in the nuts. Sorry to hear that.
It might have been my right one.

Speaker 1 I just remember it was like, I took took my pants off and you just see like a dead circle right on the nut. That was the first time.

Speaker 1 And the dude cheated because at that place, they were like, I was the only kid there, though. It was like a bunch of adults and like my uncles and stuff.

Speaker 1 And they told us that if you're within like 10 feet or so, just yell surrender. And whoever yells it first, it's like they got the shot.
Yep. And I remember.
like my mask is all foggy.

Speaker 1 I'm like sweating.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I'm like trying to shoot this guy.
I see him running from right to left and he keeps going. I'm like, fuck, man.
And then I see another guy. I'm trying to shoot this guy.

Speaker 1 And then I'm like, wait, what happened to the first guy? And I'm like, oh, he's behind me. I bet.
And I turn around and he's right there and just close as hell. He just shoots me.
Oh, man.

Speaker 1 I went down. I just felt like throwing up.
Oh, he probably felt bad. Hell, no.
He just kept going. Really? Yeah.
Damn, war as hell, man. That's a poor race card, but you know how you white guys are.

Speaker 1 You get fucking guns and tactical and shit. I have to say camo, bro.
I did paintball and I totally disobeyed the mercy rule.

Speaker 1 I would hop a log and there'd be a guy right there and I'd be like, pop, pop, pop. After that, bro, I turned into a little monster.
I was like, fuck the mercy rule.

Speaker 1 Like, I started doing that's how I played originally. That's fucked the mercy rule.
I started.

Speaker 1 It's so exciting to shoot somebody with that gun. So if I get within range, I'm not going to be like, oh, okay, I'm fucking unloading.
I started playing so dirty. Did you really? When

Speaker 1 there'd be refs in there, like shoot the ref? Nah, I would hide behind them sometimes

Speaker 1 and just run up like near them and just like,

Speaker 1 yeah, when you get hit, dude, it fucking hurts, man. It hurts enough to be like, all right, there is some consequence to this game.
Hell yeah.

Speaker 1 Because I've got like popped over the mask, but in the fucking head, and that hurts. Dude, you got to have pain in life, though.
Like every now and then.

Speaker 1 You ever go just months without any type of pain, not even stubbing your toe? Yes. You start to get depressed.
Dude, this literally just happened to me.

Speaker 1 I had it so easy for like three and a half months, and then I literally got depressed. Yeah.
I just got out of it like two days ago. And then somebody punches you in the face one day.

Speaker 1 You're like, I'm alive. Yeah, dude.
I'm feeling stuff. You got it.
Yeah. You got to go paintballing or you got to do something.
There used to be a place. I did a water slide.

Speaker 1 I took an edible and hit some water slides. And that, like, I scrape my.
You ever went to water slide and you try to slow it down like a bitch? And then you're like,

Speaker 1 your elbow scrapes. Nah, I'm a pretty little dude.
I've never even had trouble slowing down. I just,

Speaker 1 I never went that fast in the first place. Really? Yeah.
Dude, I was ripped. I was hitting them and just kind of like, because I haven't rode a water slide since I was a kid.

Speaker 1 So I was like, dude, I'm going to champ these. And I was like for real scared.
You ever see that video?

Speaker 1 This is always going to be one of my proudest moments. I didn't do anything.
I was just there.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 during Burt Kreischer's fully loaded tour last year in 2023, we had a water slide and somebody got a bag of ice, ice water, and dumped it on Mark Norman. And then he started like yelling and spinning.

Speaker 1 And then somebody else, I forgot who threw it. It might have been Bert.
threw a little nerf football we had and it hit him right in the nuts right after. That was hilarious.

Speaker 1 I bet you, yeah, I bet bet you he was

Speaker 1 proud of that, too. That's

Speaker 1 just, I was just like, just watching that. Just getting to see that.
Yeah. Like, that's a guy who's not going to be depressed for a while, you know? True.

Speaker 1 Ice water and hit in the nuts will definitely wait. Back to the back.
That was hilarious. Dude, I fell.
When's the last time you fell?

Speaker 1 Bro,

Speaker 1 not that long ago, but it was a very uncomfortable fall. Yeah, dude.
What happened? If I would have fell on my ass, I would have been like, oh, it hurt. But then I've been like, that was funny.

Speaker 1 But I was walking upstairs and I did one of those face forward, hit my knee into the stairfault. I'm just like, that's such a like a grown man fall, like middle-aged man fall.
Oh, god damn it.

Speaker 1 Like, motherfucker.

Speaker 1 I just wanted to blame a kid. Like,

Speaker 1 I fell. I fell recently going to the bathroom at night and it's like pitch black.
And I forgot I had to travel. So I had like my suitcase out, tripped over my suitcase.
I'm naked. And I just fell.

Speaker 1 like down like you were saying on your belly not on your back i fell belly down and just laid like on my shirt on i was naked i was sleeping

Speaker 1 oh you sleep naked yeah i sleep naked

Speaker 1 the deeper we go on this podcast bro the deeper we go into your you don't sleep naked nah bro why i don't know someone breaks in you get to mad dog them naked and it's

Speaker 1 i guess that's a good defense mechanism yeah what do you do do you like classic pjs nah i don't do that either like what do you mean what's classic pjs do you look like a hat

Speaker 1 I can't believe people were using that at one point. It's crazy.
Well, if you didn't wear the hat, you'd probably die. You get like, catch a cold.
What? That was why they wore hats? I don't know.

Speaker 1 But like, it's just crazy. I would imagine because it was cold.
They didn't have heat like that. So you'd have to wear like a little snow cap.
I'll just die instead of looking like a little bitch.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying, man. They were wearing those little weird elf hats.
Dude, I feel the same way about bike helmets.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Fuck that.
I see people adults with bike helmets. I'm like, bro.
I would wear one if it got to be like painted like candy or something or like some sweet paint job. That's true.

Speaker 1 Where it's like the mouth. It's like

Speaker 1 that would be sick.

Speaker 1 Change colors when you went by. But I probably would never ride a motorcycle.

Speaker 1 I don't like those motorcycles where they got like the saddles on the side and then like the big windshield, like the cop one. Yeah, that's like the minivan of motorcycle.
It is, dude.

Speaker 1 You might as well just get a fucking car. Yeah, you don't want saddlebags and a windshield.
Yeah, bro. Damn, that's gonna hit my dad hard.
My dad rocks it. His dad rocks that? Bam.
He does.

Speaker 1 He had the regular ones, and then, you know, you get old. Was your dad out in Philly? Yeah, he grew up in Philly and then moved to Havertown.

Speaker 1 Or he was like Philly when he was little and grew up in Havertown. So you have that whole area.
Philly's like a tough town, though. I wouldn't make fun of your dad.
I'll take that back.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no, he needs to hear that.

Speaker 1 He's driving around. He needs to take that bug windshield off and just eat those things.
Bro, just saddle bags. But he would like to drive his motorcycle.

Speaker 1 That was like the one thing he would be like, we go to a restaurant. He's like, I'm going to ride my motorcycle.
I'll meet you there. So that was like his slice of freedom.
Hell yeah.

Speaker 1 And he just got older. He'd like to go to pick stuff up at the store and you throw it in his saddlebags and ride back.
Did he, um, is he still with your mom? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. All right.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, he probably needed that, bro. Yeah.
You need that break. Hell yeah.
And the windshield. I can see the windshield after some time.
Did you ever ride a motorcycle before?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I have a dirt bike. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fuck, that's fucking awesome. Yeah, bro.
No windshield. That's the rawest motorbike you can get, possibly.

Speaker 1 So you're at like the absolute top of the hierarchy in terms of like being sick on it. Well, not necessarily.
It's a 125 CC. So it's like training wheels of dirt bikes.

Speaker 1 Have you ridden it on like the highway and stuff? Nah.

Speaker 1 Dude, it's scary. I took a three, I forget what it was, like a 325, if that's a thing.
Like,

Speaker 1 I think it was a Yamaha Nighthawk. And I'd never really ridden motorcycles.
I still don't now. But like, my brother showed me how to do it.
And I took that thing on the highway. You're scared?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was scared as fuck, man. Dude, I was going over this bridge, and trucks would pass me.
And it was like, they were saying it's not a heavy enough bike.

Speaker 1 So when a truck goes by you on the highway, the breeze pushes your bike over. Oh, shit.
She was fighting those big, like, you know, those big, like, buckles in the middle of the bridge.

Speaker 1 There's like big metal grates. I'd hit them and be like, Jesus Christ.
Yeah, I wouldn't have been scared. You don't think you've been scared? Take the Yamaha.
Take it on the highway right now.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Do it, bro. Do it, dude.
Tell your brother to bring it right now. I will.
I won't. I'll get the Yamaha Night Hawk, dude.

Speaker 1 As far as the people listening to this podcast go, just know that I will ride that bike on the highway. Yeah.
125 on the highway, man. You need something heavy.

Speaker 1 Have you ever gone 125? I've ridden dirt bikes when I was little. Yeah, we used to ride them around, just like buzz around the house.
Oh, no, no. I thought you were talking about miles per hour.

Speaker 1 Oh, hell no, dude. You've never gone 125 miles per hour? On dirt bike? No, anything? In a car, yeah.
In a car, yeah. What are you driving? I don't think I got up to 125 in a car.
I take that back.

Speaker 1 I hit in like 107.

Speaker 1 Who are you driving? It's like a Honda Odyssey. Yeah, like some bullshit.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You just run in late to something. Just trying to, no, when you're little, remember you're a teenager? You're like, we're going to go 100 miles an hour on the highway.
Yeah, hell yeah.

Speaker 1 Just trying to go as fast as possible. Yeah, we had an accurate TL for a while.
They're fast as hell. Yeah, that was tight.
You did 125 in a car?

Speaker 1 In one car, I did like one.

Speaker 1 In two cars, actually, I did 160-something.

Speaker 1 You're a car guy. Yeah, I like cars.
You did 160? Yeah. where?

Speaker 1 On the highway. So you wouldn't be afraid on the bike.
Yeah, I don't know, dude. You take away those walls, though.
The bike, yeah, the walls are. And you can imagine if you could see the ground.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, I don't want to see the fucks you up, dude. You're going like 80 and you see the ground.
It's just literally a blur. No, I feel like the bike is just way more scarier for real.
Like it is.

Speaker 1 One false move.

Speaker 1 You're dead. Yeah.
And then I and then I grew up playing Grand Theft Auto. So, like, you know how many times I was riding that bike and I hit a car and I just fly?

Speaker 1 Or you know what I mean? Like, fuck that. But in the car, 160 is fucking fast, man.
Yeah, 160 is pretty fast.

Speaker 1 That's when, like, things start like they're like 200 yards away, and it's like, they're right at you. Yeah, they look like they're barely even moving the cars.

Speaker 1 Like, they're like, they're still moving, but they, they look more closer to being.

Speaker 1 Are you still about that speed life? Are you slowing down? Because that's like, bro, you're flirting with disaster. 160 is like, this was like last year.
You want an untimely celebrity death?

Speaker 1 This was like last week, bro. What? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you gunning for like an untimely, like, James Dean? Nah, but I do want to hit 180. I've always wanted to hit 180.
Just is that your, that's the goal? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you're talking about on the street, not like a track. Nah, yeah, on the street.

Speaker 1 I would like to hit a track and see what that's like, because I feel like that's where you get to really see what your car's about. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 When they got like those little circuits and all that, and they get to see what their fastest lap time is.

Speaker 1 That's got to be sick. I want to see

Speaker 1 if a car that I...

Speaker 1 Not that I build from the ground up, but if a car that I somewhat build could like...

Speaker 1 That would be actually cool as hell.

Speaker 1 What era do you like specialize in i saw you had some like it looks almost like uh i guess they're classic cars they're 20 years old right some of them i don't know what you saw but i saw your you had a thing on instagram where you had like um it almost reminded me of like

Speaker 1 like a lasaber or something one of those but you really like cleaned it up we we buy them and sell them a lot do you really my dad or not yeah that's sick so we like there's a few that i will never sell yeah um

Speaker 1 but there's a couple that i'm like i just kind of wanted to drive it for a while and and then I'll settle it and buy something else. What's your, like, so what like era of car do you like?

Speaker 1 Do you like restore them, you're saying?

Speaker 1 Not necessarily restore them. I just like, and that's something I didn't know about myself until I started being able to actually buy the cars.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't like like the collectible ones that hold their value as long as you never touch them. Yeah.
But I do like some of those, but maybe like with more mileage, something I could like

Speaker 1 change stuff in. Yeah.
I also like sleeper cars. I actually want a Camaro.
I want a 2019 Camaro in a game of horse. Just high-stakes horse games.
What? Yeah, that's the life of Ralph Barbosa, baby.

Speaker 1 Horse? You're like basketball horse? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What? You took someone's pink slip and horse? What was the winning shot?

Speaker 1 Just a jump. Bro, I have a cold jumper, like a mid-rage jumper.
Yeah, that's good. That's nice to have.

Speaker 1 And most people, like, maybe they could make one or two, but if you go from maybe like a repeat spot, bro, they'll miss. They'll miss before I miss for sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're talking about just within the key, kind of that, like, five to seven-foot jumper. Yeah.
it's a good move. Good, bro.
And maybe you took someone's Camaro, yeah.

Speaker 1 And the risk was I lose an 88 Super Support Monte Carlo I had, but I was trying to get rid of that car anyway because it and the car was in just like mint condition and maybe like 24,000 original miles on it.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 like I said, like it was only going to keep his value if I just kept it so clean. Yeah, what's the point? Yeah, so then I had been looking to buy

Speaker 1 like a 2016, 2017 Chevy SS. You ever see those? Yeah.
And I wanted one of those because they look like so they look like a Malibu, but

Speaker 1 they got the 6.2. Do they have the stripes and everything or no?

Speaker 1 I don't know if some of them come with stripes, but anyway. Did you want one? I wanted one because I felt like that was a cool daily driver car.

Speaker 1 It looks like something you totally underestimate and it draw way less attention. But if you needed to smoke somebody, you could.
True, yeah.

Speaker 1 So I I got that Camaro and I was like, all right, well, I'll get the Camaro and I'll get the title transferred under my name.

Speaker 1 And then I'll go, if I ever find the Chevy SS, I got to use dealership or something, I can go trade it in. But

Speaker 1 the dude who showed me Chevy SS is this mechanic dude I know named Jacob. He was selling his around that time.

Speaker 1 like literally the the week after i got the camaro i think he took it to race week where they go like city to city like to different drag strips and he kept finding air tags on it where people wanted to track it to go steal it.

Speaker 1 What? Yeah, and uh, he just had his son, so he just was like, Man, I don't want people trying to steal my shit, especially like I'm my son.

Speaker 1 So, he's like, I'm just gonna sell it, and I was like, bro, I'll trade you the Camaro and some cash. And he's like, fucking done.
And I guess he's gonna sell that Camaro now.

Speaker 1 I don't know, just trade it in for whatever. But

Speaker 1 now I got that Chevy SS, and he put a, he did a lot of work to it, which I didn't think about that.

Speaker 1 I don't know if it's more than I can handle. The think it's pretty fucking

Speaker 1 fast as shit. Like, I go pick up my son from school and she's like,

Speaker 1 it's pretty, yeah. Yeah, that's sick.

Speaker 1 My dad was real into collecting like old muscle cars. Yeah, it was like a phase.
He gets like real into stuff and, you know, whatever.

Speaker 1 But yeah, my first car when I was growing up, I would drive like a 72 Chevelle. I think.
Why do you say it's like a phase? Why do you keep hating on your dad? I'm not hating on him.

Speaker 1 He just, this is what he does. He gets it.
My dad's lazy. He has saddles and dude, I mean.
He's little phases. He's the man, dude.
For real.

Speaker 1 I mean, having to to be in, you know, he's like 60-something, just ripping on a motorcycle with his windshield. It's totally sad.
That's pretty sick. But I would say the same thing.

Speaker 1 I'm like, bro, get a fucking bike, bro. Roll a dog.

Speaker 1 Our family's very, we like to fuck around with each other. Hell yeah.
But he's a fucking beast.

Speaker 1 But he used to collect old cars and same thing, like restore them, all that stuff. So my first car that I got to drive in high school was like a 72 Chevelle.
Damn. Wasn't, whatchamacallit?

Speaker 1 You had to like, what's that called? It's not fuel injected. So I had to like goose the gas pedal in the morning and just carbure it.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You had to sit there and just kind of like hit the thing down. But that thing fucking, I don't know why he let me drive that.

Speaker 1 Like, if you literally hit the gas all the way down, it would go

Speaker 1 like peel out. Oh, shit.
It was sick. It was like one of those things.
Yeah, I fucking crashed like pretty quickly. You crashed.
Low stakes.

Speaker 1 Like, I was pulling up to my cousin's driveway to pick him up, and my screen was just like the screen fucking windshield was foggy.

Speaker 1 And I just crashed into his, I like ran into his dad's car on accident.

Speaker 1 I've only been in like one or two.

Speaker 1 I don't even know if you can call them Rex, like Fender Business. When I was 12, my grandma had a Jeep Liberty, and I took off in it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I wanted to buy like a video game. I had saved up money.
I had like 90-something bucks saved up.

Speaker 1 And I took my buddy with me. We went to a game stop.
I was like, you be my second set of eyes, you know? And we're both just like adrenaline, pumping.

Speaker 1 That's, dude, it's so scary when you're little driving a car when you're not supposed to. Yeah, my grandma was just asleep at home.
Crashed it.

Speaker 1 So they didn't, they couldn't sell me the video game because it was like, you need an adult there. So I I was like, I got to drive home.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So we got in the car and I'm trying to like exit the parking lot onto the main road, but there's a lot of cars coming and I'm the front of the car was like sticking out too far.

Speaker 1 So I got scared and I just like slammed it into reverse and I and I slammed into this dude's Dodge Ram.

Speaker 1 And it was this big old white dude. And he just looked kind of like surprised to see this little 12-year-old come out, right? Yeah.
And he's just like, what the hell, man?

Speaker 1 He's like, like, Do you have insurance? And it's like, You have parents. And I was just like, Man,

Speaker 1 I'm gonna be 100% honest with you. Like, I don't know how insurance works.
Um, this is my grandma's Jeep. I don't think she has insurance.
Like, she doesn't know English.

Speaker 1 So, like, I don't know if she even did all that. I was like, um, I know body work must be like expensive because I like, I

Speaker 1 dented his bumper in or whatever.

Speaker 1 And I was just like pleading with him. I was like, look, man, I was like, this is like 98 bucks and it's all my money like ever.

Speaker 1 Just take it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he's just like, just get out of here, man. But that's crazy.
That was nice of him. It was.
But at the same time, it's like your punishment is like, just see if you can make it home.

Speaker 1 Like 12-year-old.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he took your 98 bucks. Yeah,

Speaker 1 he took the money. He's like, just get out of here, man.

Speaker 1 But man, yeah, I was just like, all right, fuck it. And did you fuck the Liberty up? Nah.
Bro, my grandma never found out about that. I got bagged before she woke up up from her nap.

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Speaker 1 So you've never been in like a real car wreck like airbags deployed and all that shit? Uh-oh. I've gotten one before.
It sucks. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a lady just ran the stop sign and just fucking nailed me damn yeah she had no insurance airbag there was airbags you got nailed by a lady nice i did bro hell yeah cheers bro only the best only the most alpha

Speaker 1 was how how old was the lady yeah in early 20s early 20s wow bro you got nailed by a chick i did a girl a chick and she tried to get she didn't have insurance so she tried to blame you oh yeah she tried to come out she was like holding her neck like she was going to sue me i'm like dude you ran your stop sign and once she figured it out i like showed her like no no no look, like, you're, you fucked up.

Speaker 1 She thought she was going to get paid. No, she was like, you did like one of these, like,

Speaker 1 dude. I got like knocked out.
When I came to, I saw the car and I was like, I got to get that lady's license plate. So I went up and I put it in my phone or whatever.

Speaker 1 And then, like, she came out, like, rolling on the ground, like, I'm calling my lawyer. And I was like,

Speaker 1 dickhead, dickhead, you're at fault. And she like literally got instantly better and was like, oh, shit.
And then, like, we were sitting there, and then eventually she peeled off and took off.

Speaker 1 But I already had the plate. So, wait, so she tried to just take off before you, damn.
That's her problem. She's being a jerk.
Damn. Being a fucking asshole.
Well, you tracked her down?

Speaker 1 No, wait, she didn't have nothing. She didn't have anything.
So it was like, it was kind of like, she didn't have insurance. I had like the weakest.
You took the loss.

Speaker 1 You just straight up took the loss? Took the L. There was nothing to be had.
She didn't have insurance. How long ago was this?

Speaker 1 Probably like five, six years ago. I got like a for real like brain injury.
Like I was, I was knocked out and I didn't sleep for like four days after that, but I wasn't tired. Bro,

Speaker 1 where was this? Philly. In Philly? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Bro, let's go find this broad i well so it's illegal to search people's uh addresses through their insurance i thought you were gonna say it was illegal to say broad no you can say broad it's illegal to search if you take someone's license

Speaker 1 address yeah if you take someone's license plate and get their address from it you're not technically not supposed to do that but i was able to do that and then uh we just like you know we pulled up and like saw the situation it was like there's nothing to be had here yeah yeah this is like um is it like the house like you're what's that movie the fighter with mark wahlberg you ever see that movie?

Speaker 1 I've seen it, yeah. And he has like all the sisters.
I just feel like one of the sisters hit you.

Speaker 1 It was a lady and her mom, and the mom, like, came out, and like, you know, like the lady's not here. And then, you know, it was a big thing.
But she did the right. She did go eventually.

Speaker 1 And I told her, I was like, I'm not pressing charges, but she went and eventually took ownership. And she didn't get like a hit and run.
No. But there was just financially nothing to do.

Speaker 1 If I could have sued her if I wanted to, but it's like. I'm going to sue like a super poor lady.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, be like, now you got to get, I'm going to garnish her like Wendy's paycheck for 40 years. Like, I'm not, you know.
Free Frosties.

Speaker 1 You should have just told her free Frosties or free desserts from wherever the bum fuck you work at for the rest of your life. True, pull up as a reminder.
Hell yeah. I'm not like that, bro.

Speaker 1 I'm a nice guy.

Speaker 1 I know you've been trying to take me down this whole time, but I'm actually a really nice guy who like loves my dad.

Speaker 1 I know you're nice, bro. I just think you got some issues.
I do. Yeah.
I do have some issues. Saw one too many shirtless people growing up.
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Speaker 1 thank you.

Speaker 1 Is this in shot, by the way? Yes, it wasn't that good.

Speaker 1 Hey, guys, huge announcement here. This weekend, I will be in Milwaukee.
I hope I spelled that correctly. That's off memory.
Um, I'll be there this weekend, Thursday through Saturday, this weekend.

Speaker 1 The dates would be the 24th through the 26th,

Speaker 1 if I'm not mistaken. Please, please come out to that.
I'm begging you guys. Ticket sales look okay.

Speaker 1 I'm not mad at them,

Speaker 1 but let's try to bump them up if you guys can. If you can't, I totally understand.
I would never bother you.

Speaker 1 1115, Tyson's, Virginia, Capital One Hall. I think that's close to Washington, D.C.

Speaker 1 No knock on Tyson's, Virginia. I'm just saying, if you guys want to kind of come in from there, I don't think the commute would be too bad.

Speaker 1 Well, I don't know. Maybe it's far.
Just check it out. Also, 1116, New York, New York, as part of the New York Comedy Festival at Town Hall.
I'll be there for a night. So come to that.

Speaker 1 And also, here's the big one. 1129 to 1130.
I'll be in Irvine, California at the Irvine Improv. Come on out.
What do you say? Why wouldn't you? Matilda!

Speaker 1 Dude, I can't believe you never saw a shirtless construction worker. That's crazy.
Did you work construction? Yeah. You never saw, what was your like field of construction?

Speaker 1 I was on the electrical side. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I did electrical before. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Were you like a helper?

Speaker 1 Did you like run it? Or what was your? Yeah. Nah, I was not running shit.
Outlets and shit. That's what I did.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 outlets.

Speaker 1 I just have to watch out for the, what do they call it? The track holes when they

Speaker 1 like dig and stuff. Yeah.
Because we had a lot of underground. You're doing like the services and shit? Yeah.
We were working at factories and installing big machinery. Oh, shit.
Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's pretty industrial, bro. Yeah, I was doing like houses and shit.
Not, okay. I was doing like outlets and stuff.
Okay, you see what I'm talking about here, though? It's like.

Speaker 1 So you're in an industrial, you can, in residential, it was anything goes. I don't feel like that's true either, though.
You can't just go to someone's house and take off your clothes, bro.

Speaker 1 If it's a shell, no one's there. It's a brand new house.
Talking new construction, old construction. Okay.
New construction, no shirt, no problem. Maybe, maybe that's how things are going, Philly.

Speaker 1 True, here, the construction guys look like fucking Fallout characters. They have like

Speaker 1 a mask all over savvy. Should be and shit.
Yeah, it's crazy. They look like fucking creative players in Fortnite.
Yeah, bro, because we have a structure in good old Texas. All right.

Speaker 1 Got it free-for-all. Bro, yeah.
Isn't this Philly where

Speaker 1 crime runs rapid? True, true.

Speaker 1 And men are just twerking off the walls. When's the last time? Have you been in Philly recently? Yeah, I went, not recently.
It was already like... You know when it was during WrestleMania.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah, that was like, that was relatively recent. I saw that guy Druski there.
Did you really? Yeah, I'm a big fan of Druski, but he didn't want nothing to do with me. What the fuck?

Speaker 1 Which is understandable because like the situation. What's the situation? What are you talking about? I guess we were staying at the same hotel.
Gotcha.

Speaker 1 And I was leaving the hotel around like 3 or 4 a.m. to go to the airport.

Speaker 1 And as I'm getting in the car, my buddy was like, yo, that's Druski. He's like walking towards the hotel.
And I just yelled from like the other side of the street.

Speaker 1 I'm like, Jones Gang, let me get a picture. He wouldn't do it.
His security just looked around, like, who yelled at, and they just like zoomed into the hotel. Yeah, true.

Speaker 1 So that's why I was like, all right, I understand that. Like, yeah, that makes sense.
Probably thought it was like some drunk, you know, crazy fan. Yeah, true.

Speaker 1 He didn't know it was two young kings in passing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You should hit him up.
Re-hit him up. Like, dude, that was me who screamed at you.
And I'd still like that picture. I don't think he's going to open that.

Speaker 1 Nah.

Speaker 1 It is funny to see who you can,

Speaker 1 like, who will actually respond to you because you're pretty big in comedy.

Speaker 1 You get around and so it's like, have you like tried to reach out to like famous people to see if they'll honor it or like, how do you, how do you go about that?

Speaker 1 Man, I, I, I rarely reach out to like a famous person,

Speaker 1 um, but if they reach out to me, I'm just like, hell yeah, we're friends now. Yes, yeah, it is cool.
It's a cool feeling. Me and Paul Wall, we talk.
That's tight. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 He's a, he's a businessman, too, now. He's like all cleaned up.
Yeah, he got the comb over now. Really? Yeah, guy's different.
Well, as a white rapper, you have to eventually,

Speaker 1 like, if you get too old and you still look the way you did when you were 20, it doesn't age well. Emmanuel never did a comb over, but he did grow a beard.

Speaker 1 He had to switch it up because it's like, if he was fucking 50 with blonde hair, dyed blonde hair, it just starts to look kind of like, dude, what are you doing? Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 People don't think about it. White rappers do have to go through a lot, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, white rappers,

Speaker 1 they gotta like. And then they...

Speaker 1 I don't know. Did you ever watch that guy? Did you ever see that guy? His name was Lil White.
Did you ever see him? Yeah, I actually have. Yeah.
From Memphis. Yeah, I remember that guy.

Speaker 1 I can't picture what he looks like, but I have definitely seen him.

Speaker 1 I don't know where he's at now, but that's one white rapper that I'm like, why didn't he, like, I don't know, he should have been more popular than he was.

Speaker 1 He was white, but he was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what, man? He kind of looked a lot like, who was that other guy? He looks like he owns a strip club in that one picture. He does, dude.

Speaker 1 See, look, look, that's him now. I wonder what happened to him.
He kind of cleaned it. He went like full Conor McGregor, like necktie, kind of businessman looking.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that there was another guy. Oh, my God.
Who's the Riff Raff? He kind of reminds me a little, the look a little bit of Riffraff. A little bit, I guess.

Speaker 1 People shit on Riffraff a lot, but man, you ever heard that song, Time, by Riffraff? Look up that song on YouTube. I like Riffraff.

Speaker 1 Bro, that song, it'll make you cry. Really? Hell yeah.
Yeah, they can do it to you.

Speaker 1 Crying to a Riffraff song would be crazy. Did it really get you?

Speaker 1 It made you cry? I mean, not me.

Speaker 1 because i'm a man true that yeah no they could get me i could see that

Speaker 1 like right rip raff riff rap frill was like a bona fide he was like a sick celebrity he was like a cool dude yeah he had those weird chop chompers those

Speaker 1 he had the x factor yeah wasn't he in the movie spring break oh i don't know man i think he played uh in like harmony crin did this movie and he played like a like a drug dealer and he was a good actor too i never watched that movie but that's the one where james franco sucks the gun right he puts a gun in his mouth dude i'm the worst with i see movies.

Speaker 1 Yes, he wasn't. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes, I'm thinking that might have been the one. Oh, fuck.
That was Franco. Or were they just like basing it off of him? I don't know.
Maybe Franco and Riff Raff were in that movie because I forgot.

Speaker 1 If I was Franco, I'm thinking Riff Raff played that character. Fuck that, bro.
Riffraff should sue them. He should sue Franco for literally.
He's trying to beat him. Yeah, true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess Franco did suck a gun in that movie. I didn't, I totally, I probably like walked out during that.
I was probably like, I'm not fucking watching this bullshit. Fuck that shit.

Speaker 1 Everybody's saying they walked out of Joker. I heard the Joker gets raped, right? Isn't that like what? Someone said, like, there's a three-man on one-man rape scene.
Why? Why don't you?

Speaker 1 I don't know why they did that.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be honest. And

Speaker 1 damn. Yeah, that's fucked up.
They took that. The first, did you like the first one? I like the first one, but maybe this is me just having a little bit of that like

Speaker 1 toxic Texas mentality. But when I saw that the movie was called a Jaker, Joker A.
Folier, or some shit like that, I was like, this is going to be so gay. When it had the French shit, yeah.

Speaker 1 I was like, you don't have to apologize for that instinct. Why do you keep apologizing for having just like a proper masculine instinct?

Speaker 1 People get mad at shit like that. Who, though? I don't know.
On the internet, you know? I don't got to worry about them. All right.
People get mad all the time, dude. I just, yeah, that's all.

Speaker 1 But I hear what you're saying. But you can say, you know, if you, it is a correct instinct to see a French title and be like, this might be kind of gay.

Speaker 1 So, like, why, why? Why would they do that? Yeah, that sucks. What is the title of it again? Like, Joan Bambalon?

Speaker 1 Joanna said. Oh, he does get.
Yeah, the Joker gets gang raped by prison guards and Joker 2.

Speaker 1 After he called out the abuser. So now they made Joker a victim, you know? Well, he said, very glad I will never watch this movie.
Fully, they ruined the first movie's legacy. How about that? Yeah.

Speaker 1 How would you take that, script writer? That's crazy, too. To be like, we're going to start this off with the prison gang rape.
Whoever wrote that review, fuck them too. I know.

Speaker 1 Because they're just like, ruined the first, they're just sucking the dick of the first movie. Just say the legacy, too.
Calm down, bro.

Speaker 1 The first one was just a good movie. Like, it's fine, you know?

Speaker 1 That's just the legacy. Imagine looking at it, thinking about movies, legacies.
I just think it's crazy to think there's like a legacy like on Max.

Speaker 1 You want to see my legacy? Sure.

Speaker 1 Do you have an account? It's like, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would. I always think, do you ever think about the world of very serious men? Yeah.
It's kind of, that's what they're up to.

Speaker 1 If you're not funny, you're like thinking about movies' legacies, you're like, they've tarnished the reputation for all time. This is what you don't know.
People who write movie reviews. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 I took my son to watch Inside Out 2. Great movie, too.
I thought that moved me. That made me cry.

Speaker 1 That didn't make me cry, but it made me laugh a lot. Really? Yeah, I love that movie.
It was good. And I saw this one post on Instagram randomly where somebody was just talking shit about the movie.

Speaker 1 And they did it such in an educated movie critic way. And I'm just like, dude, it's like a dick.
Yeah, dude. This is your problem.

Speaker 1 this is just a funny cartoon movie that movie helped me i watched it and i was like yeah dude i do got to take it easy and just start going like a little like when the when she i don't want to spoil it but when she has that ending skating scene yeah no she's like peaceful she was peaceful at the very end seen it by now true dude that movie for real like for three days i felt like i was like tapped into that state that i watched that girl when she was like you're not effortless you're not good enough you're not good enough yeah dude but when i saw that she stopped caring if she was good enough or not i'm like she's never gonna be anything in life you don't think so you think she's gonna settle She's going to be a fucking loser.

Speaker 1 I didn't think about that. Probably a housewife or something.
Yeah, just settle. Not that housewife is bad, but I bet you she's not going to have like a successful man.
Yeah, she won't be.

Speaker 1 Do you think she'll have a successful man? Or she won't be

Speaker 1 slamming other ladies into the boards on that hockey rank. She's going to play like fucking,

Speaker 1 what do you call it? Like recreational hockey. Yeah.
Give it up. Yeah.
As long as she keeps up that mentality. True.
She probably got knocked up. Bro,

Speaker 1 you can't be a champion in life and take care of your mental health. It's true.
This is stupid. You got to just grind yourself into a pulp.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I go back and forth on whether or not that's the case. I'm like, or you could come from like a supreme perspective.
Like Rick Rubin, just like totally chill.

Speaker 1 You think Rick Rubin's not fucked in the head right now? I think he's chill. I don't know.
He just wrote a whole book about how chill he is. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You think he's like secretly freaking out? That guy has demons somewhere, bro. Yeah.
Do you think he just walked barefoot everywhere?

Speaker 1 Yeah, and like he like lives according to like different weather patterns. He just moves like six times.
You're right. You got to be crazy to move.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what. That's probably what keeps him sane, though, if anything, is he doesn't ever shave or get a haircut and he just goes where the weather is comfortable.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He never once just wakes up and has to do something outside. He's just like, fuck, fucking hot as shit out here.
Yeah. He's just barefoot.
And he's just a vibe, man.

Speaker 1 He gets paid to like sit in on albums and be like, how you feeling, bro? And people like, apparently he's a fantastic producer. Yeah.

Speaker 1 i mean don't get me wrong the guy's like like a musical genius i had the same instinct as you i was like full of shit the guy nobody's that chill it's all bullshit then i read his book and i'm like damn this guy might be that chill nah i read the first chapter of his book and i was like nah fuck this guy

Speaker 1 i can see that what are you trying to teach me here

Speaker 1 be open to the creative impulse of the universe dude i guess you don't want to hear that um where do you think you get your ideas from do you think you spawn them yourself or they just dawn on you from out of nowhere my My ass.

Speaker 1 You're a pretty prolific dude, man. You come out with a lot of stuff.
Yeah. Pretty sick.
He's got a cool ass.

Speaker 1 Comes right out of your ass. I farted a lot.

Speaker 1 I'll say this.

Speaker 1 Now, I do respect Rick Rubin's whole, like, this is how you stay creative thing.

Speaker 1 But the thing I didn't like about his book, and maybe I should have read more of the book because it's not fair to like judge off of the first.

Speaker 1 I mean, you didn't judge it by the cover. The cover is pretty kind of, I would say, minimalistic and kind of cool.
You didn't judge by the intro. I do like the cover.
You judge by the intro.

Speaker 1 He starts off with a quote. Yeah, I don't remember.

Speaker 1 I don't remember the person who says it, which I should, because I do love that quote.

Speaker 1 But it's like it's something along the lines of like, the objective is not to create art, but to be in that wonderful state of mind in which art is inevitable. Yeah.
And I like that too.

Speaker 1 I don't necessarily think of like writing jokes as like an art. I feel like it's kind of gay to say that.
It is. But I do feel like I get what they mean.

Speaker 1 Where like, if I'm just in that state of mind where like funny just kind of flows like funny thoughts like yeah i get that you know yeah if you i get the same way if i'm like too crabby or caught up with all the bullshit it's like it doesn't come if you can stay if i can stay kind of like

Speaker 1 chill somehow or like just like keep a you know humorous outlook on life rather than being like i gotta fucking sell tickets like that that whatever that's happening my you know i'm not tuned in so i get it but it is also very gay to be like my art so i i do appreciate that too to be like nah dude, I just go.

Speaker 1 I think that's why the rest of the book was just like,

Speaker 1 I couldn't keep reading. Because

Speaker 1 if the whole point of the book was to get me to like

Speaker 1 get me into a creative space, like, well, the quote was enough. It wasn't even his quote.

Speaker 1 If somebody else said that, and the rest of the book is just him being like, imagine you're like a blade of grass.

Speaker 1 Ruben would probably be like, good. I'm glad you just read the quote.
Sometimes that's all we need. That's cool, too.
I'm sure he's a cool guy.

Speaker 1 But that is, yeah, a lot of it is that very zen kind of like, you know, like a blade of grass grows. And if you watch it.
I'm also not a big fan of hippies, though.

Speaker 1 So I feel like if I probably would avoid that guy, like if me and him were like in a room and I'm hungry, I'd be like, put some fucking shoes on so I can eat, bro. Yeah, you'd be pissed off.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm the same way. I love hippie philosophy, but the reality of hippies, when I come around them, I'm kind of like...

Speaker 1 Sometimes they smell. Yeah, they smell.
Dude, they're very... They're backstabbers, bro.

Speaker 1 They preach this big thing when it comes down to, dude, like the hippie life is, a lot of it is just following bands. And it's hard because you can't have a job and follow a band.

Speaker 1 So they do a lot of like kind of like you know, like sell this or that or whatever. Oh, yeah.
I saw that South Park episode. Yeah, did you?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you remember that one where they do like a Woodstock thing? Oh, that was, when was that? That was a while back. I was a kid.
What did they, what do they cover on that one? I don't remember.

Speaker 1 So, like, all these hippies are starting to come into South Park and they get into like the kids' minds where they're just like, the corporations are evil, man. Like,

Speaker 1 we're going to take them down. Yeah.
And then they do the big Woodstock thing. And the kids are there like, all right, like, what do we start taking down the corporations?

Speaker 1 And it's like, when they see this music festival, like, they're really going to fucking have it, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And Carmen, Carmen was the only voice of reason in that episode because he's the one that's like a hippie external. I've always hated the hippies.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, I've had like first-hand experience with them and they're like very behind that whole like facade of like, yeah, man, it's like.

Speaker 1 They're fucking like very self-serving and like very shitty towards one another. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They'll like really they'll like stab each other in the back just to be able to like follow a band for six months and like they'll like steal each other's like connects and all this stuff.

Speaker 1 It's like fucking being a hippie is like ruthless, man. Ah, I don't know.
Now that sounds kind of cool. I kind of want to be like a road hippie.

Speaker 1 Dude, evil hippies. Survival of the 50s.
They're fucking evil hippies. Dude, they'll like come into a town, be kind of transient, set up shop, start selling like a bunch of weed at festivals.

Speaker 1 And you can kind of, it's like a whole economy of itself. I just, man, now I'm just really afraid that people are going to hear me on this podcast and be like, yeah, this guy is fucking Republican.

Speaker 1 Why? Dude, it's inevitable. You're a man.
If you get older, you're going to become Republican. You think so? Yeah, dude.
All right, but I'm going to be like closeted Republican.

Speaker 1 I'm never going to act on it. Yeah, don't act on it.
Just keep it to yourself. Yeah.
Do you want to be damn or you just don't want to be either? You want to be apolitical? Is that what it's called?

Speaker 1 When you don't do either? Yeah, just be fucking like, well, the women, if you, you can get some pussy being dim. If you're like, yeah, dude, I fucking love the Democrats.

Speaker 1 I feel like you get more pussy that way. You think so? Maybe for white guys.
Maybe, yeah, maybe so for white guys because it's like I'm,

Speaker 1 I also feel like at their core, women want a strong conservative man. I hang out with strippers, bro.
They just care about money. True.
They're also pretty fucking apolitical.

Speaker 1 They don't care who I vote. True.

Speaker 1 Have you dated a stripper for real? I've never dated, but you chill out. Yeah, you chill.
Yeah. Do the night thing.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they don't really care.

Speaker 1 I used to love going to strip clubs early, like on a Sunday afternoon. And like just, because there's no one else is in there, you can really chat them up.
Yeah. That's a good time to go.

Speaker 1 You think so? I don't. Yeah.
I don't know, man. They're not that busy.
I'm learning a lot about you and myself during this podcast. You never went like in the afternoon and just chilled?

Speaker 1 If the sunlight is out, I don't want to go. Oh, dude, it's the best.
I don't want to go to the strip club unless I'm already drunk. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, I would, yeah, I would drink a little bit, but you go, dude, I'm telling you, try this, dude. Go in there with your friends Sunday afternoon, quiet time.

Speaker 1 They're not all as like, they're not as like business mode. It's them.
They're chilling. You can like really just have a good time.

Speaker 1 So I've went on a date with the stripper before. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think she was honestly between us. I think she was just trying to take money from me.

Speaker 1 But it was like, yeah, it was pretty, pretty bad. Well, it wasn't all I thought it would be.

Speaker 1 I thought thought it'd be more glamorous like dating a stripper but she had like an infant there with her when i showed up at her house what yeah dang yeah we made out so no it's very it's very humbling it's more humbling than you would think it is humbling dude just i but i do like just kind of like partying and hanging out with just women of the night life you like that bottle girls bartenders you know strippers whatever like because those are the girls that like just want to have fun and they're not expecting you to like go on real dates true but i did meet one and i won't say in which city because then i feel like she's going to know I'm talking about her and probably get her feelings here.

Speaker 1 I did meet one that I do feel like she was very much like, I was her ticket out. And if I'm your ticket out, you're not doing so good.
Like, you're like pretty down in the dumps, you know?

Speaker 1 You're doing well. What are you talking about? I don't know.
I just feel like there's so many better ticket outs. Yeah, yeah.
But you felt that pressure. Yeah.
See, I would cave instantly.

Speaker 1 I'm such a simp, dude. I'd be like, come on, I'll make an honest woman out of you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I know myself. I'm old enough now where I know myself.

Speaker 1 I think before when I first started getting attention from women due to success, I was a little bit like that. I was just like, yeah,

Speaker 1 but I wouldn't really do it. Yeah, yeah, for sure.
But now I'm at a point where I can be honest. I'm like, nah, I don't, yeah.
Don't don't expect me to

Speaker 1 be

Speaker 1 very righteous. True.
Yeah, I think I'm pretty shitty. That probably turns them on, though.
You're telling them you're not righteous. They're probably like, damn.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's tight telling a lady like, I'm not righteous.

Speaker 1 What are you going to do, though? So are you going to like try to find a...

Speaker 1 Are you just going to keep messing around with the moon of the night? Are you going to try to find like... I think I'll find like a girlfriend eventually.
True. But I'm never going to get married.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I don't think I could do that.
Yeah. This is kind of like a little weird to me.
And

Speaker 1 like, I don't want to legally bind myself to a person.

Speaker 1 I'm just afraid of legal stuff, paperwork. I've done it twice.
You did it twice? Yeah, I've been married, divorced, and I'm married again. Two kids.
Okay, well, that's good, though.

Speaker 1 It worked the second time yeah it's going but it's like it's uh yeah it's pretty i i kind of agree it is a weird if you like i've heard of this before if you look at the legal agreement of marriage it's the worst deal ever really but at the same time it's like like the saying like would you ever sign up with something like yo if we stop talking you're gonna take half no matter it's like legally it's a bad deal for a man it's like if i love somebody

Speaker 1 Why do we have to split shit 50-50 if it doesn't work out?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think it's just set up for like it's kind of like in uh so that women can't get like basically abused like knocked up not like hit but like knocked up because rearing a child for a person is like a serious thing so it's like they should be entitled i think they should be entitled to something for the rest of your life all right like if that's dude i agree i agree with that part yeah but i hear what you're saying though but like 50 of everything it's like that should be kind of up to your discretion also i don't think there should be like legalities behind it but yeah but it's because of bad actors then you get guys that go in and just just knock chicks up, yeah, and then it's like you're not taking care of it at all.

Speaker 1 So, it's like you need to have something. My son's mom, we get along very well, and I'm always gonna like do what I can to make sure like they're both good.

Speaker 1 But I guess I could see, like, if I was just being such like real shitty to her, like, I could see how the legalities of it could help her out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're like a good dude, you're not like there's dudes out there that are just like for real, like

Speaker 1 they'll just do. I had friends that'd be like,

Speaker 1 just would just blow loads and chicks not even just don't even care they didn't give a fuck wouldn't think twice about it that's because I started playing a lot of red dead too true don't want my honor to be home

Speaker 1 that game is sick you can go either way dude you can be a villain or you can you say you're high honor on red dead um only because i restarted the game true

Speaker 1 because did you fall did you have like a wicked life on red dead yeah i was going bad for like i was already like to chapter five and like at the end of every chapter i was getting that that wolf that like you know when you i never made it that i've only like kind of seen the game and got like the feel for it yeah there's a wolf that comes after you yeah like in between chapters every time you go to the next chapter right the next level of the game or whatever it either shows like an elk if you're like this honorable man or it shows like a wolf like just staring you down damn yeah or i think it's like a wolf like a black wolf looking thing

Speaker 1 and um

Speaker 1 i was just like man this that's pretty sick like that wolf thing you know but then i then i was just like i i don't know i always thought my honor was in the middle.

Speaker 1 And then one day I like checked it because I kept, I never check it. And I had like really low honor.
Damn. And people were treating me like shit.
I would say, howdy, mister.

Speaker 1 So people walking by and they'd be like, you moron.

Speaker 1 And I'll fucking shoot the guy. Yeah, I mean, what else? He provoked you.
So I'm trying to redo the game, but with high honor to see what the difference is. But it's hard, bro.
Like, I know, man.

Speaker 1 It must be difficult. I was riding my horse the other day.
And this dude rode by with his horse. He's like, that's a mighty fine horse you got there.
He's like, you want to race him?

Speaker 1 So I was like, Hell yeah, I'll race the guy. And

Speaker 1 when

Speaker 1 he got ahead of me, because he fucking cheated piece of shit, but

Speaker 1 I remember for some reason, like, I guess his horse knocked him off. But I'm riding my horse full speed.
So, like, the guy gets off his horse or falls off of it.

Speaker 1 And then, like, I immediately run him over and I lost honor. And it's like, bro, I did, that was manslaughter.

Speaker 1 It was an accident, but it was involuntary manslaughter. Yeah, but I still lost honor for it.
What? Yeah. So, I'm suing rock star.
Yeah, true, man. That's fucked up.

Speaker 1 What are you going to have to do to like make up for it? I don't know. I got to probably say hi to a bunch of NPCs.
Yeah, you're going to spend the rest of your life making up for that crime.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah. Damn, you wouldn't even try to run the guy.
It's so hard to play those games and not just murder everybody. Bro.

Speaker 1 So I accidentally, I didn't even pay attention. I rode my horse by somebody's campfire, and I just heard a voice.

Speaker 1 I just heard a voice being like, this camp ain't for me. I didn't invite any visitors.
And then I turned around to see, like, who's talking? And the guy had his gun on me.

Speaker 1 And the guy pulls your gun on. You got to shoot that guy.
Yeah, you do. You do.
That's just, that's just Texas law, baby. Does that fuck up your honor?

Speaker 1 If you're to, yeah, I lost honor for killing that guy at his campsite. Look, man, none of us are going to be perfect.
You got to do what you got to do. I think it'd be.

Speaker 1 Here's the thing, though. What the fuck, Rockstar? Like, why do you put that in the game, bro? Like, I already got to have honor in real life, and I got to have it in the game, too.

Speaker 1 Like, I came here to escape, bro. I came here to kill old 1800s hookers.
Yeah, man. Now you got to worry about, like, yeah, being judged and stuff.
Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 1 That kind of does ruin it just to put like a moral pressure on the whole thing. Yeah, I'm just going back to playing low honor mode.
Yeah, you have to.

Speaker 1 It's kind of, there's something crazy about like just being a good boy in a video game. It's like, bro, and then you're going to snap.
No matter what, your character dies at the end.

Speaker 1 Your character gets tuberculosis in the game. Really? Like, it's fucking Doc Holiday or something.
What? Yeah. You're like, what the fuck? I paid so much money for this game.
Did I die?

Speaker 1 And I got disease in the game. So you're struggling with like morality and like death.
Yeah, bro. It's better to just shoot everybody in that game.
Yeah, you just got to go nuts. You can rob people.

Speaker 1 It's pretty sick. That's pretty tight.
You can, like, find card games. And I don't know.
It's kind of weird hearing the NPCs talk. Like, there's like a New Orleans type city.

Speaker 1 And I feel like the voices they do for the different characters are like, they were afraid to be racist. So they're like borderline.
Yeah, yeah. Like, it's like a Chinese immigrant.

Speaker 1 but sounds like he grew up in new york kind of yeah he like barely has like an accent yeah that's kind of bullshit man if you're gonna do it do it man go all in commit go all in like you you ride your horse out and like there's like um

Speaker 1 there's like uh you you go do missions for like some plantation owners

Speaker 1 and i guess it's like post you know after the civil war so there's like no black workers out there really yeah but i'm like this is the south and all these workers are white yeah yeah they didn't have the slaves in the game.

Speaker 1 They didn't have no slaves. There's black people in the game, but none of them are slaves.
Freemen, yeah. We passed a cottonfield recently.

Speaker 1 My wife's black. We passed a cottonfield coming from here to like Houston.
And she was like, what is that growing? I was like,

Speaker 1 and then eventually I was like, it's a cottonfield. She's like, oh.

Speaker 1 Fucking the game should like let you. The game should be a little more accurate, but it should let.
And I think it does on one. I don't know.
I'll do the Chinese accents.

Speaker 1 If they need somebody, I'll do. I'll get it.
But they should let you like fucking, I don't know, like your mission now is like fucking kill this slave owner. I don't know.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Some cool shit like that. Django.
Yeah, you can go liberate them. But don't give me white fucking people picking cotton.

Speaker 1 Oh, were they out there working? Just kind of. They had white.
Maybe they had white slaves. Maybe the game should be based as hell.

Speaker 1 I feel like now I'm going to get like some angry Republican in my DMs. Like, there was fucking the white slaves, too.
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 On the white slave theory, dude. Dare I say, some of the Irish, bro.
But

Speaker 1 I think there were a couple. I think there were a couple of white slaves, but it's one of those things where it was like

Speaker 1 not a lot. You know what I mean? There's like a

Speaker 1 Mexican character on Red Dead,

Speaker 1 and you can walk by some Mexicans or like they're drinking in the bar. And I'm like, all right, that's pretty accurate, I think.
Yeah. It's like this drunk Mexican, dude.

Speaker 1 So they crushed, but they hit the accent, but they wouldn't hit a Chinese or anything. Bro, but all the accents are like mild.
Yeah. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 What was like, how'd the Asian guy sound? The Asian Asian guy was like, um,

Speaker 1 oh, don't, don't go back there, sir. But yeah, that still gave him, I know what you mean.
It should have been way more. Yeah, I'm also bad at accents, so I don't know.
It just sounded like me.

Speaker 1 I was just trying to get you to an assistant. It just sounded like people whispering.
The guy sounded more Asian than that.

Speaker 1 That is a good thing. That's a harmful stereotype that Asians only whisper.
Yeah. But, all right, is it offensive if you do like a Asian voice,

Speaker 1 but it's not

Speaker 1 words that you just made up. Like, how do you say,

Speaker 1 like, if I'm quoting an already Asian accent? Yeah, I think it's totally fair to do that. Yeah, and hilarious.
I, because I don't know, it's, I think it's a hilarious bit. I guess it's pretty racist.

Speaker 1 I don't know. This is what I don't think it's racist to say to talk like other people talk.
Well, I just, I just, I mean, like, the bit was probably racist. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But this is, like, I grew up watching Family Guy. Very little parental supervision.
But, oh, there's that scene. It always makes me laugh.
And it might be wrong to laugh at it.

Speaker 1 I don't know, but it just makes me laugh.

Speaker 1 It's one of those family guy cutaways, and it's like an Asian dude going up at the Apollo to an all-black crowd. And he's just like, How everybody doing tonight?

Speaker 1 He's like, You ever have two black guys going to your store? He's like, One go one way, one go the other. He's like, What they doing? What are they stealing? Who in me?

Speaker 1 And it's like an all-black crowd, and they're just like, Whoa, fuck this guy.

Speaker 1 And the dude just gets pissed. Like, he's like, Oh, you stay on my store.
I remember your face.

Speaker 1 That's hilarious.

Speaker 1 Right. It's genuinely hilarious.
That's a very funny. But is it racist?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but it's funny enough to where, like, you know, it's one of those things where it's like,

Speaker 1 if it with racial humor, if it's not funny, it sucks. Cause then everyone's kind of like

Speaker 1 straight or racist. When it's funny, it's just like you're taking a thing and just kind of like, you know, elevating it to like a very funny level.
But at that point, it's like, what makes it funny?

Speaker 1 I, I, I have an idea of like what my rule is for like, does it qualify as funny? Yeah. But I think everybody has a different rule or whatever, like a different.

Speaker 1 See, I think a black person watching that would be laughing. Yeah.
Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 If I see like a Chinese guy just doing that and like, you know, in my story, it's like, I think, yeah, I think that's funny.

Speaker 1 I think of a joke, whether it be on TV or like in person or whatever, think of a joke

Speaker 1 if like.

Speaker 1 50% of the people in the room hearing that joke laugh like it's funny. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Not that you lost the right to like say how you felt about it, but like at if 50, if half the room laughs,

Speaker 1 you have to admit, like, all right, like, it's more funny than it is offensive or whatever. For sure.
Yeah. Yeah.
You're making people laugh. It's a beautiful, it's a wonderful thing to laugh.

Speaker 1 So it's like, if you can take something, you know, like that and then just turn it into something very funny that causes people joy. It's like, yeah, you should definitely do that.
Hell yeah. Right.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But the problem with the race stuff is when people,

Speaker 1 in my opinion, when they just be like, I know people are going to get mad and I'm going to say this, and it's not funny. And it's not like a moral thing I have against it.
I'm like, that just sucks.

Speaker 1 It's like, make it funny. Yeah.
It's better. And people are like, watch me say this.
And it's like, cool, man. One of my buddies didn't like

Speaker 1 South Park when we were kids because he thought it was racist towards Mexicans. But that buddy also didn't even speak Spanish.
So I'm like, bro,

Speaker 1 you're not even a full Mexican here. Like, you're racist.

Speaker 1 Yeah, South Park is so funny, man. That's great.
He didn't like when

Speaker 1 they're like,

Speaker 1 they pay the illegals to write their essays

Speaker 1 and they wrote their literal like friends. They're like, oh, see, I wrote my essay.
Like,

Speaker 1 that's funny, bro. That's so funny.
Funny, funny.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No, if it makes you laugh, it's good.
But yeah, I've recently, I had like a

Speaker 1 kind of like a

Speaker 1 not like a crisis, but I started to be like, I don't know if I even like doing stand-up anymore. And then like, I like, was like, I was like, I'll do it.
I'll go do it on the weekend.

Speaker 1 And now I've hit a place where I'm like, yeah, I find it like absolutely essential just for like my state, like my well-being.

Speaker 1 That's kind of like got to be tough, too, is when you're being honest with yourself about something like that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You dedicated so much time and effort to getting good at stand-up. And you go from bombing to like finally doing good.
And it takes you months, years, and stuff. But then to finally be like,

Speaker 1 I don't want to. It feels like the forest gump when he, when he got tired of running,

Speaker 1 he's like, all right, like, I'm tired now. I'm going to go home now.
Well, Well, it's just having little kids, and I'm like, I don't want to be away. I can podcast and not be away from home.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then I'd slow up on the stand-up and get miserable. And I didn't know what was going on.
I was like, miserable for a couple of weeks. And then I just didn't do stand-up for like three weeks.

Speaker 1 And then I and then I did it like the last two nights. And I just felt like I was just, I had my pep in my step.
I was like, oh, I didn't know I actually had to do that.

Speaker 1 Did Rick Rubin tell you to do that? No, I didn't. I never finished his book either.

Speaker 1 To be fair, I didn't finish his book. I love it.
And I love the idea of it. But yeah, after a couple of chapters, you're like, yeah, I think I get the point here.

Speaker 1 I agree though i feel like i gotta have a balance of like i gotta spend time with my son you know what i mean yeah but i also gotta like

Speaker 1 go do some stand-up but if i if i dive too deep into one or the other i'll start to like

Speaker 1 tick inside a little bit no you're absolutely right man and it's one of those things i this is what i tell myself it's like because i've always i would get guilty and be like i should just get a regular job and be here all the time but it's like then i'd be miserable and i'd be like mean to my kids i think about that too yeah it's like if i stopped doing that i'd just be a miserable fucking dickhead and just scream at them.

Speaker 1 I'd do it anyway, true, but it's like, how much more would you

Speaker 1 do it, bro? I started punching my son. Oh, yeah.
I used to, um, my buddy moved out to New York.

Speaker 1 My buddy that I started doing comedy around the same time as him, he moved out to New York early on, and so I'd always go crash on his couch, stay out there for a few weeks, and just try to go get spots and stuff.

Speaker 1 And felt like it helped me get better. And

Speaker 1 as things started taking off for me, um, my son was around like the

Speaker 1 three,

Speaker 1 four

Speaker 1 age, and it wasn't too hard to like take off because he was living with his mom and

Speaker 1 like I could still get my days and I can go stay in New York and just focus on stand-up and whatever. But now, you know, he's five, he's in school, and he's with me during the week.

Speaker 1 He's with me a lot more.

Speaker 1 It might have been like some months ago already. I took a trip out to New York to like try to like stay there for a couple of weeks and work out material.

Speaker 1 And I was was just like, bro, fuck the material. Like, you don't want to go be with my kid.
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 I'm hanging out with like funny people, but also hanging out with people who are like, just kind of like

Speaker 1 still not dads. Yeah, exactly.
And I just had to like come to terms with like, bro, I'm a fucking dad now. Like, I just have to accept who I am.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it is a process, dude, especially because I feel like stand-up. And I wonder if you feel this way.
They're like.

Speaker 1 Stand up and having kids, it almost feels sometimes like diametric, like completely opposed.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But it is tough, like maintaining both of them.
Cause you're right, though.

Speaker 1 If you do all of one, if you're like, I'm not doing any of this shit, I'm like, I'm just going to be, you know, a dad and focus on that. You do have to do both.

Speaker 1 But yeah, like, I try to tell people, I'm like, dude, getting away for a week is like a devastator on my kids, man. When I'm away for like the entire week, they're like, fucks him up.

Speaker 1 Bro, my son starts acting a donkey. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 They get bad. He loses respect for everybody in the house.

Speaker 1 My daughters get so bad. If I'm gone for more than three days, they're just, they like stop listening to their mom.
It's pretty bad. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then, and then, like, they don't want to admit my family, or even his mom doesn't want to admit that it's like

Speaker 1 you know, he misses me. Yeah.
But it's what it is. Yeah.
Yeah. But you can't, you have to do, you have to be what you are, though.

Speaker 1 Because if you're, if you try to like become something totally different. Have you ever tried in your life to be like, fuck, stand up? I'm just going to

Speaker 1 square up and get like my regular job. One time

Speaker 1 I like quit for like a day.

Speaker 1 I had like a good amount of little opening gigs here and there, local stuff, bar shows.

Speaker 1 And just was having a really stressful time, a lot of arguments. And just

Speaker 1 one day, I just called everybody who I was going to either open for or like whatever gigs I had locally, and I just canceled all of them. It's really dramatic.

Speaker 1 I was going to quit before I even really had like a start, you know.

Speaker 1 And write a Facebook post. I'm no longer doing stand-up anymore.
I never got that gig. I know, I know.
But

Speaker 1 you see people do that. They formally quit stand-up and you're like, all right, man.
See, if you, if you, yeah.

Speaker 1 If you ever wrote a Facebook post about how you're quitting stand-up, you never really started stand-up, bro. Like,

Speaker 1 shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 I just like to let everybody know. It's like, I want to open mics anymore.

Speaker 1 But yeah, I just did that for like a day, but then the next day, I was just like, I called everybody back. I was like, hey, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I quit.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I want to come back.

Speaker 1 I tried for like months at a time, and I just would become miserable, man. I would like try to get jobs and I just, you feel like a fucking alien.
And the longer you do stand-up,

Speaker 1 like when you try to like work in an office, you just feel weird. And then it's sad because you go like, people are like, oh, you used to do stand-up and you're like, yeah.

Speaker 1 But did you purposely choose like the saddest possible job? That was all I could get. And I couldn't get anything else.
It was like, I grew up doing construction. And then like, I went to college.

Speaker 1 And then like, I worked in an office. My dad was always like, get an office job.
It's the shit. You're in the air conditioning.
And then I got in an office and I'm like, this is fucked.

Speaker 1 Did you ever work in an office before?

Speaker 1 It's fucked up. It sounds boring.
It's unbelievably boring. And it's everybody's doing nothing.
I made it like, I think four months at one internship and then I lasted three weeks in another office.

Speaker 1 And that, I have like a short experience with it, but dude, it's like, it's really fucked up. Everyone's doing nothing.
Everyone's pretending to work.

Speaker 1 And then there's this like big hierarchy where you're getting like, I would get emails in all caps. They're like to let them know they were mad at me.
And I'd be like, the dude's like right there.

Speaker 1 And I'd be like, what the fuck is that? Yeah, like, yo, you got a problem?

Speaker 1 i'd be like what the is your

Speaker 1 but i did uh i i was at an office and there there was a guy

Speaker 1 he was like a high up partner and he he like it was like this big dramatic thing where he broke away from like his other partners in this office and his name was like marissimo he had like some name that was just in like i had to go to his google email and delete i think it was illegal i think he like they wanted to delete proof that of like something that they had so i had to delete shit out of his email but then i pulled up his google chat and i was like chatting up other people from the office

Speaker 1 My boss found out and sent me an email saying I was like I hit up my like I had like the big boss and I had like my direct boss and I hit him up I'd be like, what are you doing?

Speaker 1 He'd be like, hey, what's up, Marisa?

Speaker 1 Like, bro, I got a bottle in my room. I'm kind of lonely if you want to cheat.

Speaker 1 And then he thought it was funny. He told me, like, yo, hit up this guy, hit up that guy.
And then eventually my, like, the, the boss of the bosses found out and sent me the all caps.

Speaker 1 Like, do not use chat feature while using Marisa.

Speaker 1 it's like it's fucked up, man. It's like, um, there was a guy in there who would be like, I'm not going to talk to any of you unless you close a deal.

Speaker 1 And he would walk in every, he came in only once a week from New York. He wasn't going to talk to you, he wouldn't talk to you or acknowledge your presence.

Speaker 1 Unless you close the deal, unless you close the deal. So if you said that, you were rewarded with his presence.
He sucked too. Yeah, he was such a dickhead.

Speaker 1 So like he would come in and like the guy next to me was like, dude, I just want to make a good impression and talk to him. And his sister also worked there.
She was also like one of our bosses.

Speaker 1 And she, uh, she was like, I can get like you like a face-to-face if you want. And the dude set it up, dude, through his sister.
And the guy came into our office, like,

Speaker 1 hey, man, how you doing? It was, I, dude, it was like a shitty meet and greet. Yeah, dude, it was awkward.
It was really fucking awkward.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, I'm telling you, office life, I have like a serious thing against it. And I think it like for real gives people brain damage.

Speaker 1 I never, I never took advantage of like the, I guess, jobs I could have had. I always just, I always went to like work with illegals.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I had my first job when I was 12 at like, I was a dishwasher. My buddy's family had a restaurant.
That dude over there. Oh, nice.

Speaker 1 And so we're just washing dishes and with his uncles and like working in the kitchen, you know? Yeah. So then I did that or I'd go, my dad had a couple of different business.
He had a body shop.

Speaker 1 So I'd go sand cars in a shop where there was no like code.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I could do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah.
There's like pictures of naked ladies in mechanic shops. There's a lot of, yeah.
Yeah, dude. It's like that far off.

Speaker 1 Then you go to an office and you're like, you think you can talk pussy with someone at work? Because that's how it is in construction. If you get pussy, you tell everyone.

Speaker 1 So I would go in and like tell my office mate, I got pussy last night. And then the lady who was like the boss would be like, you can't talk like that.
All caps email coming here.

Speaker 1 All caps email cooking one up, being like, you are not allowed to talk, refrain from referring to the activities prior to the night.

Speaker 1 I grew up around these types of jobs. So by the time I was of like working age, like 16, and I went to work at McDonald's, even that was too corporate for me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're like, I got to like talk to the fucking customers. I was like, can I just wash the dishes? And they're like, no, you're not old enough to do that.
I'm like,

Speaker 1 you'd be surprised. Yeah, true.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've been doing this from a young age. Yeah, it does.
Working construction does kind of throw you off for the rest of the job market. Like, I saw my dad, or not, it wasn't my dad.

Speaker 1 It was someone, it was like one of my uncles. Like, actually, I didn't see this.
I was there. They had a guard dog and the dog tried to bite me and a couple of other customers.

Speaker 1 It was like a big trash yard. Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 And I came in like, like, you know, you go to work, like, I'd go to work with my dad, like, you know, another Saturday, like, months later, would pop up, and I get to go.

Speaker 1 And I was like, Where's the dog? And he's like, We shot it. It like shot the dog, they just killed it.
Yeah, that's like you tell people that, and they're kind of like, That's fucked.

Speaker 1 You were like, That's how we did all caps emails in my

Speaker 1 where I come from, baby.

Speaker 1 My uncle shot the dog, just like took it in the back. I was like,

Speaker 1 Damn, dude. You're like, That's fucked up.
I'm like, It was trying to bite. No, it tried to bite me.
I was a child. But also,

Speaker 1 working in those types of settings where like I'm just me and a bunch of Mexican dudes,

Speaker 1 I think

Speaker 1 if

Speaker 1 I if I hadn't heard this, I may I maybe would have just been stuck there and never taken advantage of the fact that I was like born in the States and like had an education.

Speaker 1 But I was working at a body shop and this dude one time, I was maybe like 20. And one of the dudes told me in Spanish, he's just like, he's like, hey, man, you don't have papers?

Speaker 1 I was like, nah, yeah, I was born here. And he was just like, oh, he's like, well, you didn't finish school? I was like, Yeah, I finished school, I have a diploma.

Speaker 1 I was like, I even got a semester of community college, you know, like, yeah, he's like, Oh, he's like, Then, why do you work here?

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I was just like, Oh shit, like this dude is just trying to tell me something here, like

Speaker 1 you know, because I think that that guy had uh kids around my age, and I remember going to one of theirs, uh, like graduation party, and he was also telling me about that.

Speaker 1 He's just like, you know, like you could do more stuff, yeah, like you know English, you're educated like fucking do stuff get the fuck out of here yeah yeah that's all that's how my dad always was too he was like don't because you get when you're younger you get hooked to the money of like kind of like construction or like auto body because you do get paid more than you would anywhere else as a young kid that that i always have people like don't get hooked to the money man just like eventually your body gets all fucked up i think i feel like i would get hooked to the hang the hang is sick dude the hang's so good i just liked working in places where like i got along with the people

Speaker 1 the hang's too good. And there's also, dude, there's a, you just meet characters too.

Speaker 1 Like, there's not a lot of, in an office, it's a, if really, there's not a lot of like characters in an office where you're like, damn, this is like the funniest dude I've ever met.

Speaker 1 It's like when you're on like a construction site or like an auto body shop. If you're the funny, yeah, they're hilarious.
Yeah, if you're the funny guy in an office, you must be like pretty funny.

Speaker 1 But work somewhere where like you can get dirty and like really fuck around, you know? It's unbelievable. Hold, hold like an old piece of like pipe and act like it's your dick.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You can't do that in an office.

Speaker 1 Or like I I'd see people fist fight in an construction job.

Speaker 1 Boss would be like, knock it the fuck off, and you two shake hands, and it was just like, are you right back to work?

Speaker 1 This is going to sound like a little weird, but

Speaker 1 hanging out with like these racist country dudes at the construction job I had. And I only had this job for about maybe six months.

Speaker 1 And these guys would say some pretty racist shit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 never to me or like my Mexicans that I worked with.

Speaker 1 Like it was weird being around people who are like racist, but still like respectful.

Speaker 1 And at first, I'm like, what was their fucking problem? I don't want to work with these man. Fuck them.
Like, I'm not going to be at this.

Speaker 1 But it was funny. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, not that the racism was funny, but they were funny dudes. One of them had like this Boomhauer thing when he'd get mad.

Speaker 1 Now, there were these three brothers, and I can't remember which one was which, which might be racism to me because one was Joe, one was John, and the other one was like Jim. I swear to God,

Speaker 1 and I can't remember which one this one was, but he cussed the most, and he would get mad because we got to a job site one day where they were supposed to be digging, looking for like a some line, and they couldn't find it.

Speaker 1 And it was just like

Speaker 1 the hole should have been like a few feet over to this side, so we had to start digging there. And we were working under Joe that day, and I just remember him being mad.

Speaker 1 He's like, Man, I get tired of this old chicken shit bullshit, goddamn, fucking bullshit, goddamn, man.

Speaker 1 It's like, oh oh shit, Joe's mad, bro. He's doing the bunhaire thing.
Another guy there,

Speaker 1 a young dude, he might have been around my age, maybe a younger dude named Shannon. And the other dudes would get mad at him because he's like lazy.
But that guy was hilarious.

Speaker 1 He was just, we were working at a,

Speaker 1 at like a fucking, like a, like a steel,

Speaker 1 some, someplace where they have those big metal ovens. It's like metal, like a foundry where you're like, I don't even know if that's what it's called, but you like melt the steel down?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're doing shit like that, right? So we'd go eat lunch outside, and there's all these people there, and they were really strict there.

Speaker 1 They're like, Don't fuck around in front of the people who work there, and all that shit. Like, and this dude, Shannon, would just walk by everybody with his ass out,

Speaker 1 just like hard hat glasses, and he'd just like just pull his pants down and cover his dick with his hands. Like, we're just like, What the fuck?

Speaker 1 And uh, Joe's brother was this dude, uh, I think it was John, and I might be confusing him, it might have been the other way around, but John and Joe, uh, he didn't cuss at all.

Speaker 1 Like, he, he would like try his best not to cuss but it's just funny hearing him get mad at shannon because he's just like what the crud what did dude put your butt back in your pants like what the like

Speaker 1 i don't know i always felt like there was a delicate ecosystem of like racism on construction sites where like everyone would kind of fuck with each other but then if like somebody kind of crossed the line or was being like malicious it would be like dude fucking get out of here because i would get cornered so i would i was in the laborers union for a little bit and in philly it's mostly so the whole like to like paint the whole picture my dad and his brothers did demolition then they or they had they did trash and they started a demolition company so in order to work for my dad once like the union started bothering him i had to join the union so i could work for my dad so i was in the laborers union but it was mostly like uh me and other black like all black guys doing that but there was like like everyone would with each other like the white guys would say shit about this and that but i would get like there'd be another white laborer and he would like corner me i guess he didn't know like i was just working for my dad and he would like take me aside and just be like bro these motherfuckers are animals.

Speaker 1 He would go in, like, he would go in, like, hard. And I'd be like, dude, fucking okay.
Now, I remember the day I realized I was working with like, like, some real racist dudes.

Speaker 1 Cause at first, I'm like, nah, it can't all be like that, right? You know, maybe like just these couple guys here. I'm just like, ah, fuck those guys.
I won't be around them.

Speaker 1 Somebody who was like a higher, well, I mean, everybody was higher up than me in there, but somebody who had like

Speaker 1 real,

Speaker 1 I guess, like a real position, somebody who would bring this material, be in charge of job sites. Yeah, I don't want to say his name, but this is a nice older guy.

Speaker 1 He might even be retired by now, or he dead. I don't know.

Speaker 1 But he was cool with me. Like,

Speaker 1 man, it'd be like fucking 100 degrees out there. And sometimes he'd be like, he'd be like, hey, he's like, come on, let's go to Home Depot.

Speaker 1 And out of everybody on the job site, I got to fucking take a break in the AC, just go help him carry shit. He was an old man, you know, like just help him carry shit.

Speaker 1 And then one day there was like this big lunch with like everybody from the company. We all just met up because there's like some restaurant they like to go to.

Speaker 1 And we were working pretty close to it and we all met up there. And I heard them say like some real racist shit.
And I remember just thinking like, oh man, like, I thought you were different. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But yeah, after that, was it really? It was really bad. Yeah, it was pretty bad.
I don't want to repeat it. Yeah, that was the thing.
There was like people would, it was the same thing.

Speaker 1 Like, people would joke with each other. And I'm like, oh, this is funny.
And then you get a guy who would corner you and you'd be like, oh, you want to like kill these guys?

Speaker 1 I'm I'm like, dude, you got to chill. Yeah, that was also a fun thing I would do.
When someone would get like very corner me, be like, can't believe we're working with these fucking animals.

Speaker 1 I'd be like, dude, we should fucking kill them. They'd be like, whoa,

Speaker 1 what's going on, man? I'll do this. You just go way higher.
You're like, I do it to everyone politically when they're like, Trump, they spazz on Trump.

Speaker 1 I'm like, we should kill his whole fucking family.

Speaker 1 No, I don't want to do all that. I'm like, all right, leave me the fuck out of this.
Nah, I heard them. I heard them say just one too many remarks one day.
So I was just like,

Speaker 1 yeah, I probably don't want to work here no more. He's probably feeling you out.
He wanted to know if he can make like a proper

Speaker 1 crisis out of it. I left, and I think they might have thought that

Speaker 1 I would say something because I put in a two weeks' notice, and they offered me a raise, like a really good raise. Really? They're like, ah, come on.
He was grooming you, dude.

Speaker 1 But I sucked at that job. He was grooming you to say the N-word.

Speaker 1 But it was fucked up is that they would say shit about Mexicans too here. Oh, really? Yeah.
And that's why I was just like, bro, this is too much.

Speaker 1 This is how you guys are going to work up here.

Speaker 1 And he wouldn't even look at at you and be like, excuse me, or was he trying to joke, or was he just like that guy?

Speaker 1 I never heard him say nothing about Mexicans, but a couple of other guys, yeah, yeah, yeah. And um,

Speaker 1 but and it was fucked up because the things they said were always worse towards black people, yeah.

Speaker 1 And uh, that's why, like, I've been in rooms where like, um, maybe Mexicans and black people are like, who's had it worse? And I'm always like, bro, stop.

Speaker 1 Like, black people had it way worse, don't do this. Like, I, I every group does that, though.

Speaker 1 I'm my family's all Irish, and it's like, bro, we got oppressed by the English for 800 fucking years, which is true. But yeah, it's, yeah, they kind of take the crown.
I give them the crown.

Speaker 1 When I took off,

Speaker 1 I feel like maybe that's why they tried to do that. Where they're just like, hey, wait, you know, more money.

Speaker 1 Shut up. And I was like,

Speaker 1 I just don't want nothing to do with you guys. Yeah, although I have seen some of the most vicious racism I've seen has been American black people versus African workers on the job sites.

Speaker 1 That's a serious beef. Yeah.
Oh my God, dude. American black black people and Africans are like,

Speaker 1 you think they'd be buddies, but they're like, I feel like that's like when I'm like an American white guy. If I see like a British person, I'm like,

Speaker 1 what the fuck is your deal? I think American black people see African people. I think that's how Mexicans from Mexico see like Hispanic people.
Yeah, exactly. We'll never be Mexican to them.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 They're kind of like, yeah, you're from some weird ass country. We're the real deal.
Dude, me and my buddy Hyman,

Speaker 1 we would change the radio when we were kids.

Speaker 1 There's like a lot of Mexican love songs playing. We change the radio to just like whatever, you know what I mean? Just like some pop, some hip-hop, whatever.

Speaker 1 And no matter what we put around, the other Mexican dudes would be like, ah, like, you faggots, son hotos. Son hotos.
It's like, what? Like, bro, you want to listen to some pops?

Speaker 1 Yeah, just because I want to change the music. Like, now we're gay.
Like,

Speaker 1 like, they would get mean, bro. Just be like, and then.
I do respect the machismo. I think I could say pound for pound, Mexican dudes have the highest machismo, and I'm kind of for it.

Speaker 1 I think it's kind of sick.

Speaker 1 Man, but it sucks when you're the one getting like the fucking, yeah, it's tough, it's oppressive. I've worked that, they were always my favorite.

Speaker 1 If I had to pick a game, like a group of people in a workplace, and I'm not just saying this because you're here, I think Mexican people were like my go-to.

Speaker 1 The hang is so nice, bro. Just babes on phones like, yo, check out this babe.
I'm like, yeah, babe's nice. Check out this babe.
Thank you, man. And just fucking around the whole time.
I know.

Speaker 1 They could get. But then, but now, like, they, they created, they made me into like a mean bastard sometimes.
Like, when I was a kid, if, um,

Speaker 1 if I'd be like at a family party or something, and I'd be like, oh man, it's cold. Like, my uncles, my grandpa's be like, it is Mohed, you're a woman.
He's like, don't be a woman.

Speaker 1 I was like, God damn, bro. Damn cold, though.
It's like we're outside, bro. It's fucking, I see my breath, you know? Like, you're not supposed to, you're not supposed to acknowledge it.
It's crazy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're fucking nuts, bro. But now I kind of do that too, where, like,

Speaker 1 you know, I travel with my buddies who do stand-up with me or whatever, and I'll hear one of them complain about something. I'm just like, you fucking woman, you

Speaker 1 little bitch.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it is tight, though. I do, uh, I don't know, it just makes me laugh.
It makes me, uh, my buddy's like, bro, my dad just got cancer. I'm like, ah, he's being a woman.

Speaker 1 Shut the fuck up. Fuck you, gay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I, uh, well, shit, man, I think we're at, yeah, we're at an hour and 38, brother. I, uh, I don't want to hold you up here all day.
Where can people catch you?

Speaker 1 Do you have anything you want to to plug? Are you just... Man, I got tour dates.

Speaker 1 I just don't remember where, but follow me on Instagram at RalphBarbosa03 or check out my website for tour dates at barbosacomedy.com.

Speaker 1 I think I'm pretty funny, so give me some money. Very funny, bro.
Dude, I love your shit. I watch a lot of your clips online.
I appreciate it.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much. So thanks for doing this, dude.
You're the man. Thanks for having me.
All right, brother. Later, man.
Yeah, later.