Ep 523 - Shirtless Workers (feat. Ralph Barbosa)

The Wild Wild West. Hell yeah, dude.
Hold on. I've got to show off the hat.
Yeah, flip that thing around. This took like a good hour.
Hour work here. Damn, you went south of the Bass Pro? Yeah.
Oh, you got the Ass Pro. Damn.
You scratched off the beat. You did a clean job, too.
Oh, yeah. Well, I didn't do it.
My sister did, but it took like an hour. Your sister hooked you yeah was it her idea or did you be like obviously yeah i bought i bought like five of these two in case i fucked up so i keep trying but i just i asked my sister to do it and she got it on her first try really yeah clean man man keep bumping this bro.
Damn, that's fucking sick. Yeah, man, I had a vision and she executed

it.

I know people have done these before, but

I just, I finally have mine, you know?

Yeah, exactly. This is like my greatest

possession now. That's your logo.

The Ass Pro Shop.

That's so nice. That's what I'm going to call my strip

club when I own one. You want to own a strip club?

Yeah, I think that'd be cool. I just wouldn't

run it. Yeah, just own it.
Yeah. Just enjoy it.
Every time i've seen a guy who runs a strip club it's like he has muscles yeah and he's usually like eastern european yeah yeah i used to deliver beer to a strip club when i was younger and it was like it's pretty rugged man they got the money counters going it looks cool yeah the money counters but they do look pretty beaten down and that's because dude imagine that's your workforce yeah you got to keep you know you gotta manage some pretty wild women i don't know i think maybe i could do it though i probably just have to start doing a lot of cocaine uh yeah i would you are you worried that you might kind of like simp out to all the strippers working for you no i would simp i would yeah dude if i had like 12 strippers i had to maintain, I would simp. If I had 12, I'd simp to maybe two.
Yeah. But then the other ones would get jealous.
The rest I would treat so badly. Yeah.
I'd be such a pimp. Yeah.
It's always been a dream of mine to just be like a horrible person, like a horrible pimp, you know? Yeah, true. I watch like movies where they, what was that show? Did you ever watch that show with...
By the way, Ralph Abrosa, thanks for doing the podcast. I'm terrible at introducing people.
Nah, no problem. You the man.
Let's talk about pimping, though. Yeah, yeah.
What's that show with James Franco and who was it? The Deuce. Yeah.
Yeah, that was good. Yeah, and the show The Pimps outside talking? Mm-hmm., that show made Pimping look so cool.
Every show makes it look so cool. But why is it such a frowned upon? I guess because they treat women so badly.
Yeah, like real bad. Did you ever read Iceberg Slim? I almost called him Ice-T.
Did you ever read Iceberg Slim's autobiography? I bought the book, and then I read within the first chapter. I think the first chapter made me cry.
Yeah, dude. It's so sad.
I couldn't read on anymore. You got to, you got to get cold, man.
Strengthen up that pimpin though. I feel like that's like, you know, depending on where your state of mind is, that iceberg slim book could be like somebody's 48 laws of power.
Exactly. Yeah.
It can really get you. Although dude, I don't know if anyone is built for that.
If you got to find a girl down on her luck, and then you got to convince her to go fuck guys for you for money. People don't get mad if you pimp men.
No. If you think about a good leadership, that's just being a good pimp.
True. It's just working your men and making them productive, getting in their head to make them the most productive.
Yeah, nobody talks about the pimps of male prostitutes. Are there pimps? Are male prostitutes just cowboys? Or are they arranged by a strong, domineering man who slaps them? This is somebody who goes and slaps the old lady who doesn't want to pay.
Well, male prostitutes pretty much only have sex with men. What? Male prostitutes have sex with men? Yeah, dude.
That's like 95% of what they do. I don't know.
I thought, because I thought about becoming a male prostitute when I was in college. I actually put out an ad on Craigslist being like, yo, I'm open for business.
My friend told me, he's like, dude, male prostitutes. Okay, if you're going off like Craigslist data.
Dude, I'm telling you, I think the real data is it's like prostitutes, men and women prostitutes, like 99, women prostitutes, 99.9 if not 100% of the time serve as men. And male prostitutes also overwhelmingly serve as men.
I guess that makes sense. I mean, women get to choose most of the time who they want to bang, you know? Exactly.
So they're not calling. I mean, I think maybe like there's that whole idea.
There's like gigolos that have sex. And it's, I think it's like so rare.
Cause I thought I'd be out there just like banging fucking horny rich milfs. And it was just, I got no, I got literally got no, uh, you got no response.
Not even from men. Not even from men.
That's gotta hurt. It did hurt, dude.
It did. Not even the men.
But dude, they're, uh, we took my, in college, I took my roommate's number and I used like a prank

I would do on people.

I would put them on like Craigslist personals and just kind of like, like give them their

number and they get like weird phone calls.

And I put my roommate's number up with this like story about how he was like a young gay

college man.

It was like looking for an older, more experienced man.

Cause like these younger men didn't know.

His, I like hit publish.

His phone rang off the hook for like for real, like 12 hours.

Damn, bro.

Good for him.

What does he do now?

He's an accountant.

He's an accountant?

He went for that?

He was pissed.

He found out what I did to him and he was like, don't ever do that ever again.

Even as a straight dude, I think knowing I could have had that much business as a.

Bro, it didn't.

And I built a nice narrative though.

I was like, I'm a young man looking for an older gay man who knows what he wants And he was just Brr, brr, brr Non-stop Bro, that dude could've killed it And you could've just pimped him That's what I'm saying Make some money I should've had I should've had more of a business mind about it, man Because I could've put him out there And made a lot of money on him I think that Like And this is What do you call it? This is Very, dude-ish. Maybe it's like misogynistic, but whoever started strip clubs, like, man.
Like, hats off to that guy. Yeah.
Because this guy saw women, or who knows? I don't know history that well. Could have been a male strip club the first one, right? But this guyreeks yeah yeah greeks this guy saw somebody and was like oh man that like that's hot look how she moves right and then he noticed that other guys also like that and so he's just like people will pay money for this yeah like let's put this in a building yeah because it was brothels and yeah some guy was like yo hold on no no don't fuck these guys like well kind of can if they're you know if we figure out something but it was like yeah just have them dance good idea make more money off the temptation yeah and then all right so then you're a strip club owner right i wonder when the first strip club happened or like what i'd be curious too 1800s i'm guessing i think so some sort of version of was brothels i feel like they're probably kind of modern it went from brothels to strip clubs i think although people always had dancing girls so i don't know like when's the first one who kind of like industrialized the dancing girls you know 1947 all right so 1947 right and then pretty recent through from 47 to like 48 49 50s people you know you got your successful strip clubs here and there, right? And you're a business mongrel.
You're just this titan in the strip club industry and you're looking for the next best thing, the next best stripper. And out of nowhere, you see a woman twerk.
Whoa. That's got to be like seeing the first alley-oop.
True. That is big.
Like, holy fuck, I didn't think about that. This guy sees a woman twerk.
Do you think like, you think strip clubs were like, in America, they were like mostly like, almost like the sports were, like very white. And then like black ladies and other ladies like hit the strip clubs and everyone's like, what the fuck? Yeah.
I think that was, I think probably when black that was when like black dudes hit the nba yeah it was the same time and everyone's just like what all the white women were like fuck she's taking all our fucking tips like i can't even do that thing that she's doing and they're just humping the ground trying to twerk yeah man that must have been kind of crazy i can't imagine what it would have been like a strip club in 1940 would have been 1947, 1950 would have been crazy. I think it's crazy to think of like how how did twerking even start? And I know somebody's going to hear this and be like this is such a dude conversation but like I said maybe a man first twerked.
You know? Maybe it was a man they were trying to tame at first and and you know draft to their

strip club but like how do you even think of that how do you first yeah it's actually i i would imagine black ladies started it and it's like because i feel like they did it back in like the juvenile videos like in like the like the early 2000s i mean they were definitely the ones with the goods you know yeah white ladies just figured out kind of how to do it yeah i've watched like old movies?

You've seen Roadhouse?

Yeah, I have.

And you remember that girl who like she's like the girlfriend of what's his name the bad guy i remember his name yeah i remember patrick swayze is a good guy it was one of those movies i saw too where i kind of was like in and out of it but the young the young blonde chick she's like the hot chick of the whole movie. And she's like dancing all sexy.

She doesn't twerk once.

Not at all.

That was the sexiest of dancing at those times, I imagine.

It was.

Yeah, it was.

It was like a skinny white lady with a flat butt kind of just like sliding up and down.

There was no acrobatics to it.

Yeah.

And then I don't know.

I don't know if it was just like the 90s or somewhere.

Like, would you say with Juvenile, right?

Early 2000s, late 90s. Black ladies just changed the game they really did take over and i'm just glad that like well i don't know i haven't done too much research on it but i'm just glad that nobody's ever tried to stop other races from twerking because you know this is very touchy these days cultural appropriation, stealing culture vulture and whatnot.

But that one right there is like.

That's a gift.

Yeah. That's a gift to humanity.

Yeah.

You can't, you can't guard that.

Yeah.

I agree.

And it's like, I feel like, I don't know.

I feel like black ladies kind of like if anyone like tries to twerk, even like a white, they'll

kind of like encourage her.

Yeah.

I've seen though.

Like, I mean, they might laugh and, you know, kind of tease a little bit, but just a little

hazing.

Yeah.

So they're very, they, yeah, they'll give up the goods. They'll teach you how to do it.
If you want to learn, they will teach you. I don't want to learn, but onto, you know, we're talking about business entrepreneurs and stuff.
I might be able to start the first school of twerking. I'm sure there has to be one by now already.
Maybe you can start it up. You can run it.

I can have one. There's probably not many of them.

No, yeah, there's like pole dance

classes. If you start it like a straight up twerking

class. Yeah, it's got to like a nice

gentrified neighborhood. Yeah.

You would get it. You might have to like

soften the blow by being like, we're a

pole dancing place, but we have a twerking

class within that. I'd be like, there's no

men here. It's like contactless boxing.
You see there's boxing classes where oh yeah we just train but they never fight yeah so it's like there's no penises around just come to work get in shape you know just so we don't get canceled we'll have to probably take on a few men as clients but you would they would hit there's always like two guys and like a i don't mind watching two three guys shake their asses as long as it comes with like the business of all these other women shaking their asses. That's what I'm saying.
Yeah. It'd be good for you kind of having like two guys there.
I'd imagine they'd be gay guys too. So that'd be good.
Maybe. Probably.
Yeah. Most definitely.
I can see the ad for it now. Like the commercial.
It's just like a successful stripper with like a bunch of money down her waistline. And she's just twerking.
She's like, thanks, Ralph Barvolta. Oh, you're going to more technical school.
Yeah. Oh, I like that.
And then the guy she's dancing on is also like, and thanks for me too, Ralph. Yeah, if you're going to go the vocational route, what do you think about, I don't know the legality of this, but doing kind of like a in school, like it to the high schools that way they get like the best shot no no no becoming professional no i'm saying like the economic advantage you see bro that's the beginning of our of my downfall of my business i start thinking i'm just fucking weirdo who wants to get high school girls like hey how about you put on this cheerleading outfit while you do it talking about no i would look i didn't want to do that but i'm saying if you're saying going vocational like they have like you know you can learn to be a you know like a hairdresser like take these vocations these like true vocations no you must be at least 21 you could keep the safety gloves on you could be like fully clothed you know like it's kind of doing like pilates just getting them ready just building them up i don't want to do this business no more.
You've ruined my American dream. I didn't say you should.
I was saying, what if? I wouldn't. That'd be crazy.
Just want to own a rental property. Yeah.
Could you imagine the weird illegalities and gray areas you'd get into? Bro, yeah. Never mind.
I'm glad you poked a hole in this dream. No, you can still do it.

You just got to stay out of the schools.

College, you can get an elective in college.

That'd be cool.

No, I'm done.

I'm done.

I'm just going to go to a strip club and just enjoy that.

There is something very nice about just giving a beautiful woman money.

Just being like, here, I want you to have this.

Yeah.

You're beautiful and you're naked and I think you should have. I work hard for this and I really want you to have it.
It's easy to give money to people when they're naked. Even homeless people.
A naked homeless guy approach you, you're just like, bro, take it. Fuck off.
I saw a lady walking down the street. I don't think she was homeless, but there was like this Indian lady just had her tits out.
She's walking down the street, smiling, just kind of like I think she was making like a statement. There's a big like women's liberation movement where they should be able to show their tits in public.
That's a liberation movement? Yeah, because it's like, dude, think about how unfair that is, dude. We can take our shirts off in public.
We can? Yeah, dude. I don't think we can.
Yes, you can. Like anywhere.
To a certain degree, I'm pretty sure if I walk into CVS, they're going to be like, whoa, what the fuck are you doing, bro? They will, but you can walk down the street. You can work a construction job.
You can be a roofer and have your shirt off all day. A woman can never take her shirt off outside.
You can't take your shirt off during a construction job. Yes, you can.
No, you cannot. You know how many guys work shirtless in construction? When's the last time you worked construction? I grew up working construction.
I did it my whole life. This isn't like a YMCA video.
No, I'm telling you. Dudes, do it.
There's roofers that are just, I think now there's a lot of safety in construction now. But back in the day, there were dudes in like the early 90s and 80s who didn't wear a shirt every day.
Look, bro, maybe you grew up in this shirtless America of men. I'm telling you.
I'm telling you right now, it's dying out. It is dying out.
It is dying out. Women might as well well not even fight for it either Why? And then we're not even going to You ever go a long time without seeing boobs And then you see boobs You're going to lose that excitement Because there's going to be everywhere I'll tell you what's going to happen Women's liberation They're going to liberate a whole bunch of male, what do you call it?

You can't get hard?

Yeah, ED.

ED, erectile dysfunction.

That's how that, that's, to me, women's liberation just equals erectile dysfunction.

I think you're so right, dude. And as Republican as that sounds, I just want people to know, I haven't voted, so don't

start thinking, but no, come on.

I know what you're saying.

This goes beyond politics.

If you're seeing titties all day, every day, it does fucking, and also the bra, like, protects

Thank you. Don't start thinking, but no, come on.
I know what you're saying. This goes beyond politics.
If you're seeing titties all day, every day, it does fucking, and also the bra like protects them. Yeah.
It fights gravity for a while. Imagine all the mosquitoes and bug bites you're going to have on your boobs.
It's going to be rough. You're seeing.
It was stabilizing. To see a lady with just her tits out in public, I was like, what the fuck? It was crazy.
If you imagine that times 40, it's like my days.

You're living in a different world now. But I'm not, at the same time, I'm not like totally, totally against it.
There should be like an assignment from birth. Like there's a certain percentage of all men and a certain percentage of all women should be assigned to be shirtless in life.
I like this. And if they want shirts, they got to like petition for it, file paperwork and stuff, you know, or people who do art shirts in the world and they want to become skins.
They also got to do the paperwork. True.
You can go back and forth. Yeah.
Damn, that'd be sick if you had a skins family. There should be just random rules like that on us.
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Wearing a penny, I'd be like, come on, man. That shit sucked.
You played basketball growing up? Yeah, we used to play, we used to play a lot at a, at a school, at an elementary school near my house. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we, um, there's, like, a lot of older dudes, like, like, when we were in, when we were maybe, like, 10, 12, there's a lot of teenagers that would come from the apartments down the street, just kind of like take over. Yeah.
Yeah. But I got pretty good.
So I got to like stay. But my friends, they sucked.
They had to go. Yeah.
I mean, we were all Mexican, me and my friends. And so, I mean, there wasn't much skill there anyway.
Yeah, yeah. But I was probably the most skilled of Mexicans.
Really? I don't know if that makes me the least Mexican of them because I was the only one good at basketball. Yeah don't see a lot you don't see a lot of mexican basketball players yeah but i got to stay i was never that good at soccer though really yeah and that yeah well yeah you're playing basketball totally different but i had a very um what do you call it like head first mentality so like if i did go play soccer i wasn't afraid to kind of just dive for shit just run in there you had head first yeah it's literally head first literally head first mentality.
So like if I did go play soccer, I wasn't afraid to kind of just dive for shit. Just run in there.
You had a head first. Yeah, it's literally a head first mentality.
Literally head first, yeah. Damn.
So you were just like just jumping in. You didn't give a fuck.
Yeah. Should have played football.
Bro, anytime the soccer ball came to me, I just kicked the shit out of it. That's a good move.
Yeah, yeah. Did you play defense or offense or like just ripped? I don't know, man.
Yeah, you guys just went at it. That's a good move just to kick the ball as hard as you can.
Yeah. I tried to sign up for football once, but man, my coach, I mean, he was right.
But I was in the seventh grade and at the end of the school year, they let you sign up for eighth grade football. And my PE coach was like, hell no.
He let you do it. Yeah.
Because I was like kind of a troublesome kid in his class yeah i was just i would never dress out for pe like when they make they made us wear like shorts and shirts and stuff i would like sometimes change right we're like you want to get changed yeah i just like because we'd be dumb we'd wear like the shorts but then not the shirts we'd still wear like our school polo yeah yeah or sometimes we just take off like the polo just wear a white tee like all right we changed but we just want to hurry up and start playing whatever we um somebody one time just gave me like a lot of dice i don't remember how i got it it was like a box of dice yeah all wrapped in little plastic baggies like they sell them or something and so i started bringing them to school and one of the kids taught us how to shoot dice. Like, and yeah, the coach caught us with those a couple of times.
He was just like, man, like the fuck is y'all's problem? What the fuck are you guys doing? I mean, not taking off the shirt would drive me crazy. If I was doing a gym class and you put on the shorts, I'm like, bro, why won't you put your fucking shirt on? What is this? I think we just like being trolls.
It is fun. I was very bad in uh school especially health classes i used to the teacher i had i had older brothers and my older brother's like dude that guy's a fucking bitch fuck that guy so i went in like i'm gonna fuck this guy shit up yeah i did i would fuck with him we i went to an all boys catholic high school so we would like be in the this is how this is fucked up we I'm noticing that there's like a heavy man pattern in your life.

Oh yeah.

Heavy men,

male prostitution,

shirtless male.

It's just,

dude,

it's so,

I'm so masked.

It's crazy.

I'm so masculine.

Catholic male school.

All boys.

You know how fucked up it is

to like separate a young boy

from women for like four years,

basically.

That's horrible.

It's weird,

dude. What did you do to deserve that? You know? And then, did you have sisters? Yeah, I did.
I had two little sisters. And then how many brothers? I have two older brothers and one little brother.
Okay. Male-dominated siblings.
Yeah, my dad's one of 10, mostly men as well. Did you, in health class, did they ever give you guys the baby to take care of? No, bro.
No, I went to an old boy school. That's very realistic then.
They're like, that's a fucking woman's job. Like, why would we give you guys that? No, we never had that, dude.
But we had our gym teacher, who was also the health teacher, would come when we were getting changed and he'd be like, you guys got to get naked and hit the shower. And I'd always be like, I'm not getting naked and get in the fucking shower.
I'll just be sweaty. Yeah, it was pretty intense.
It was really intense. It was really intense.
But what do you do when the prayer would come on? Everyone have to stop what they're doing. So when the prayer came on, I would just pull my pants down a little bit and just show my ass.
So I'd keep my ass out for the prayer. And every time he'd be like, dude, you told me to stop.
I was getting naked to hit the shower. He would get so mad.
Wait, how often would you guys pray? It would like come on, I think at the beginning of every period, like some different like prayer would come on. You have to stop for it and they would do like a...
It's got to be weird if it comes on while everybody's in the showers. Yeah, that would be nuts.
Yeah, I don't know. I don't know much about Catholic school though.
It was just, it was like, they stopped hitting kids like when I was in like first grade. That's where they fucked up.
Yeah, they should have kept it up. Did they hit you in kindergarten? I got smacked by a principal once and then I actually had a priest in high school who hit my head into a chalkboard.
What? I had said something about his knee. He was kind of like fucking around.
Actually, it turned out he actually had some pretty heavy charges against him later on for kid stuff. Just beating up kids? No, for loving them too much.
Yeah, loving them. Damn.
He had a hate-love relationship with kids, but he had a niece, and I remember his niece was like our age, and I kept saying I was like bringing his niece to the prom. I didn't know the lady, but I was like, I'm going to bring your niece to the prom and give her ecstasy.
I didn't even know what ecstasy was. But I like said it to the priest.
That sounds like a good time. He grabbed my head.
It was awesome. Dude, all-boys school was fun as shit.
Imagine the girls. I mean, like taking the it to the priest That sounds like a good time He grabbed my head It was awesome Dude all boys school Was fun as shit Imagine I mean like taking the niece To the prom I know On the ex I know I want to teach your niece How to twerk Yeah true What is that He literally grabbed my head And went bonk Into the chalkboard And I was like Alright alright my bad Damn I deserve that Yeah that'll teach you Some respect bro It did I grew up getting hit So it was.
So it was like, no, it was, you know. Where is this at?

This was outside of Philadelphia.

Oh, shit.

So this was in actually, I went to school in Wilmington, Delaware.

Okay, okay, okay.

But you guys were holding down the front, no shirts.

You guys?

Who's you guys?

Your school.

I'm saying your school.

The thing you did to your teacher was not put on the shirt.

I mean, we had shirts.

We just didn't have like the shirt.

You wouldn't put on the shirt.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm just saying. I'm just trying to bring the conversation back to to bring the conversation back to you picturing me shirtless as a kid man i'm not picturing you shirtless as a kid you got issues bro no i'm saying you guys wouldn't wear the gym shirt sometimes i'm picturing you in a polo buttoned up to the top your hair combed over you're like it ain't like an angel yeah i'm just like in a little polo and then there's just some shorts what else were you bad you bad at it? What else did you do? What was the worst thing you did as a kid? One time I broke into a house.
Did you really? Yeah. What'd you do? So it was like me and a couple of kids that I went to middle school with.
We skipped school one day. And we broke into a dude's house that my friend said he knew.
Supposedly it was his buddy. I was like, bro, I don't want to hang out with you anymore after today.
He's broke into his friend. Did you take anything? Nah.
Supposedly that guy had like weed in there, and I guess in my mind I was like, oh, we'll take the weed, and then we'll be rich. I don't know how much weed went for.
I was like 12 or 13. I was just like a lot, you know.

We're going to be like that movie Blow.

I just kept imagining that.

And we looked around in there, but I started feeling really weird being in there.

Yeah.

And then they called me to the kitchen.

They're like, yo, yo, come over here.

And I went over there and like we weren't, I didn't grow up, like, poor or nothing. But for some reason, I had never seen Nutella before.
And none of my friends had either. Yeah.
And so they were like, look at this. Like, try it.
And so we discovered Nutella. We're just like, oh, shit.
Like, this is good. That's huge.
Yeah. And so we just sat there eating, like, Nutella with, like, their bread or, like, their Nutella snack packs.
Like, um we heard somebody getting home how'd you get in first of all before you I don't want to uh I I actually found a way in through the back oh nice yeah my friend was like most of the time front doors just open like in some of these houses this guy had a he had an mo you know and I was like well I'll try the back because I I used to get locked out of my house a lot. So I figured out little ways.
And I was like, this window reminds me of my window, you know? Yep. But, yeah, I just.
They pulled up on you? Yeah. I heard people get in there.
And I always, this is, like, dumb. Because I always thought like this was like an act of bravery.

I got to deserve some sort of medal.

But then at the end of the day, it's like I was just the bravest criminal that day.

But when we're in the kitchen eating the Nutella and I heard somebody approaching the door,

I ran to the front door to like lock it.

Locked them out of their house?

Yeah, because they had a deadbolt.

Yeah, yeah.

And my friends ran to the back door. Like it just was like, we just froze, looked at each other.
And then everybody ran. There was like three or four friends that ran out the back.
So I ran and I locked the door and then I ran out the back and I closed the back door so hard that it didn't even like close. Yeah.
It just bounced. Yeah.
It was like a, yeah. Cause it was like a sliding door.
So it just like slid andid and then boom like slid back open and i just ran for my life and i was just so scared yeah dude yeah that's the day i realized like bro i'm a little bitch like i'm not cut out for things they came home and just saw their bread just crushed and the nutella out they're probably like what the fuck man so we went to my buddy's house who lived not too far from there and we'd take little peeks where we'd walk down to that street just to see if there was cops. Yeah, yeah.
But they never called the cops. I think whoever was there was just like fucking raccoons.
For real, that was like an animal got into my house. I had kids burglarize me one time where I was like, living in this house in West Philly and it was a bad neighborhood, and I didn't have a back door on the house.
There was just this like, I don't know if you, how to describe it. Like, you know, in stores and they have like a, um, it's like a gate, but it's like, it's just like metal slats against each other.
Like crisscrossed. It's supposed to be like outside of a door.
It was just that. So like I had that thing and I had a chain around it kind of keeping it tight.
But there was like, if you were little enough, you can had kids they like stole my change broken in my house stole all I had so much fucking change and they stole my change and I was like all right fair enough out of all the things that's what they got exactly I had like a gun in my house too so I'm glad they didn't get that they're like those little kids remind me of like Robert De Niro and Heat or they like they knew what they were going after they did the bonds they did dude they wanted the change to get the candy yeah it was our response time to a 2 11 they had our yeah i remember being like no adult could have fit through that little and i was like motherfuckers those kids bro you gotta get a bb gun and shoot the kids yeah i've thought about paintball gun paintball gun would be nice yeah i knew there was a guy i knew uh who had like he was like an hvac guy and he had this like big yard in uh this area outside philadelphia called chester and it's like really it's like a really fucked up area and uh he so if you have a yard in chester it's like you'd have like scrap metal and shit so people would break in take your scrap metal so he started a friday tradition where he would sit on the roof and just drink beer with a paintball gun just let the sun as soon as the sun would set people would start coming over the fence and he would just fucking light them up it's pretty fun hell yeah and within his right it wasn't within his right but people would think they were really getting shot and be like oh because they hurt man they fucking hurt now they do the first time i ever went paintballing i got shot right in my left nut oh really yeah i think there's like one kid from every group who gets shot in the nuts i'm sorry to hear that it might have been my right one i just remember it was like i took my pants off and you just see like a dead circle right on the nut that was the first time and the dude cheated because at that place they were like uh i was the only kid there though it was like a bunch of adults and like my uncles and stuff and they told us that if you're within like 10 feet or so just yell surrender and whoever yells at first it's like they got the shot yep and I remember like my mask is all foggy I'm like sweating you can't see shit yeah and I'm like trying to shoot this guy I see him running from right to left and he keeps going I'm like fuck man and then I see another guy I'm trying to. I'm trying to shoot this guy.
And then I'm like, wait, what happened to the first guy? And I'm like, oh, he's behind me, I bet. And I turn around and he's right there and just close as hell just shoots me.
Oh, man. I went down.
I just felt like throwing up. He probably felt bad.
Hell, no. He just kept going.
Really? Yeah. Damn, war as hell, man.
Not to pull a race card, but you know how you white guys are. You get fucking guns and tactical and shit.
This guy had full camo, bro. I did paintball, and I totally disobeyed the mercy rule.
I would hop along and there'd be a guy right there, and I'd be like, pop, pop, pop. After that, bro, I turned into a little monster.
I was like, fuck the mercy rule. Like, I started doing.
That's how I played originally. Fuck the mercy rule.
I started. It's so exciting to shoot somebody with that gun.
So if I get within range, I'm not going to be like, oh, okay, I'm fucking unloading. Nah, bro, I started playing Soul Dirty.
Did you really? When there'd be refs in there. You shoot the ref? Nah, I would hide behind them sometimes.
I'd just run up near them and just like... That's your human shield.
Yeah, when you get hit, dude, it fucking hurts, man. It hurts enough to be like, like all right there is some consequence to this game hell yeah because i've got like popped over the mask but in the fucking head and that hurts dude you got you got to have pain in life though like every now and then you ever go just months without any type of pain not even stubbing your toe yes you start to get depressed dude this literally just happened to me i had it so easy for like three and a half months, and then I literally got depressed.
Yeah. I just got out of it like two days ago.
And then somebody punches you in the face when they're like, I'm alive. Yeah, dude.
I'm feeling stuff. You got it.
Yeah. You got to go paintballing or you got to do something.
There used to be a place. I did a water slide.
I took an edible and hit some water slides. And that like, I scrape my, you ever went to a water slide and you try to slow it down like a bitch? And then you like your elbow scrapes nah i'm a pretty little dude i've never even had trouble slowing down it just i never went that fast in the first place really yeah i was ripped i was hitting them and just kind of like because i haven't rode a water slide since i was a kid so i was like dude i'm gonna champ these and i was like for real scared you see that video this was this is always going to be one of my proudest moments i I didn't do anything.
I was just there. But during Bert Kreischer's fully loaded tour last year in 2023, we had a water slide.
And somebody got a bag of ice, ice water, and dumped it on Mark Norman. And then he started like yelling and spinning.
And then somebody else, I forgot who threw it. It might have been Bert, threw a little Nerf football we had and hit him right in the nuts

right after.

That was hilarious.

I bet you, yeah.

I bet you he was so...

You're proud of that too.

That you're proud of.

I was just watching that.

That is a sick moment, yeah.

Yeah.

Like that's a guy who's not going to be depressed for a while, you know?

True.

Ice water and hitting the nuts will definitely wake you up. Back to back.
That was hilarious. Dude, I fell.
When's the last time you fell? Bro, not that long ago. But it was a very uncomfortable fall.
Yeah, dude. What happened? If I would have fell on my ass, I would have been like, oh, it hurt.
But then I'd be like, that was funny. But I was walking upstairs and I did one of those face forward, hit my knee into the stair fall.
I'm just like, that's such a grown man fall, like middle-aged man fall. I was just like, oh, god damn it.
Like, motherfucker. I just wanted to blame a kid.
I fell recently going to the bathroom at night. And it was pitch black.
And I forgot. I had to travel.
So I had my suitcase out. Tripped over my suitcase i'm naked and i just fell like down like you were saying on your belly not on your back i fell belly down and just laid like on my shirt on i was naked i was you sleep naked yeah yeah i sleep naked the deeper we go on this podcast bro the deeper we go into your you don't sleep naked nah bro why i know.
Someone breaks in, you get to mad dog him naked and it's fucking... I guess that's a good defense mechanism.
Yeah. What do you do? Do you like classic PJs? Nah, I don't do that either.
Like, what do you mean? What's classic PJs to you with a little hat? I can't believe people were using that at one point. Well, if you didn't wear the hat, you'd probably die.
You'd get like, catch a cold. What? That was why they wore hats? I don't know if it was a little bit.
It's just crazy. I would imagine because it was cold.
They didn't have heat like that, so you'd have to wear a little snow cap. I'd just die instead of being like a little bitch.
That's what I'm saying, man. They were wearing those little weird elf hats.
Dude, I feel the same way about bike helmets. Yeah.
Fuck that. I see adults with bike helmets.
I'm like, bro. I would wear one if it got to be like painted like candy or something or like some sweet paint job.
True. Where it's like the mouth.
It's like. That would be sick.
Nah. Change colors when you went by.
But I probably would never ride a motorcycle. I don't like those motorcycles where they got like the saddles on the side and then like the big windshield, like the cop one.
Yeah. That's like the minivan of motorcycles.
It is, dude. You might as well just...
Get a fucking car. Yeah.
You have saddlebags and a windshield. Yeah, bro.
Damn, that's gonna hit my dad hard. My dad rocks the saddlebags.
Your dad rocks that? Damn, bro. He does.
He had the regular ones, and then, you know, you get old. Was your dad out in Philly? Yeah, he grew up in Philly and then moved to Havertown.
He was in Philly when he was little and grew up in Havertown. So, yeah, that whole area.
Philly's like a tough town, though. I wouldn't make fun of your dad.
I'll take that back. No, no, no.
He needs to hear that. I would tell him, too.
He's driving around. He needs to take that bug windshield off and just eat those things.
Bro, just. Saddlebags.
But he would, like, drive his motorcycle. That was, like, the one thing he would be like.
We'd go to a restaurant. He's like, I'm going to ride my motorcycle.
I'll meet you there. So that was, like, his, like, slice of freedom.
Hell, yeah. And he just got older.
He'd, like, go to, like, pick stuff up at the store. And he'd throw it in his saddlebags and ride back saddlebags and ride back.
Is he still with your mom? Yeah. Yeah? Alright.
So yeah. He probably needs that, bro.
Yeah. He needs that break.
Hell yeah. And the windshield.
I can see the windshield after some time. Did you ever ride a motorcycle before? Yeah, I have a dirt bike.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck, that's fucking awesome.
Yeah, bro. No windshield.
That's the rawest motorbike you can get, possibly. So you're at the top of the hierarchy in terms of like being sick on it well not necessarily it's a 125 cc so it's like training wheels of dirt bikes have you ridden on like the highway and stuff nah um dude it's scary i took a three i forget what it was like a 325 if that's a thing like yeah uh i think it was a yamaha nighthawk and i'd never really ridden.
I still don't now. But my brother showed me how to do it.
And I took that thing on the highway. You were scared? Yeah, I was scared as fuck, man.
Dude, I was going over this bridge and trucks would pass me. And they were saying it's not a heavy enough bike.
So when a truck goes by you on the highway, the breeze pushes your bike over. Oh, shit.
And there was big, like, you know, those big, like, buckles in the middle of the bridge. There's, like, big metal grates.
I'd hit them and be like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, I wouldn't have been scared.
You don't think you've been scared? Take it on the highway right now. All right.
Do it, bro. Do it, dude.
Tell your brother to bring it right now. I will.
I will. I'll get the Yamaha Nighthawk, dude.
As far as the people listening to this podcast go, just know that I will ride that bike. On the highway? Yeah.
125 on the highway, man.

You need something heavy. Have you ever

gone 125? I've ridden dirt bikes

when I was little, yeah. We used to ride them around, just like

buzz around the house. Oh, no, no.
I thought you were talking about miles per hour.

Oh, hell no, dude.

You've never gone 125 miles per hour?

On a dirt bike? No. In a car, yeah.

In a car, yeah? Where are you driving? I don't think I got up to 125

in a car. I take that back.
I hit in like

107. What are you driving? Like a Honda Odyssey? Yeah, like some bullshit.
You just running late to something? Just trying to. No, when you're little.
Remember when you're a teenager, you're like, we're going to go 100 miles an hour on the highway. Yeah, hell yeah.
Just trying to go as fast as possible. Yeah, we had an Acura TL for a while.
They're fast as hell. Yeah, that was tight.
You did 125 in a car? In one car, I did like one. In two cars, actually, I did 160 something.
What? You're a car guy. Yeah, I like cars.
You did 160? Yeah. Where? On the highway.
So you wouldn't be afraid on the bike? I don't know, dude. You take away those walls, though.
The bike, yeah, the walls are... And you can imagine if you could see the ground.
Yeah, no, I don't want to see the ground. It fucks you up, dude.
You're going like 80 and you see the ground. It's literally a blur.
No, I feel like the bike is just way more scary for real. It is.
One false move. Dead.
You're dead. And then I grew up playing Grand Theft Auto.
So like, you know how many times I was riding that bike and then I hit a car and I just fly? You know what I mean? Like, fuck that. But in a car, yeah.
160 is fucking fast, man. Yeah, pretty fast.
That's when like, things start, like they're like, 200 yards away, and it's like, they're right at you. Yeah, they look like they're barely even moving, the cars.
Like, they're still moving, but they look more, closer to being still. Are you still about that speed life? Are you slowing down? Because that's like, bro, you're flirting with disaster.
160's like, you want an untimely celebrity death celebrity death this was like last week bro what yeah are you are you gunning for like an untimely like james dean nah but i do want to hit 180 i've always wanted to hit 180 just is that your that's the goal yeah and you're talking about on the street not like a track nah yeah on the street uh i would like to hit a track and see what that's like because i feel like that's where you get to really see what your car is about. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.
When they got like those little circuits and all that and they get to see what their fastest lap time is. That's got to be sick.
I want to see like if a car that I – not that I build from the ground up, but if a car that I somewhat build could like – What era – that would be actually cool as hell. What era do you like specialize in? And I saw you you had some like it looks almost like uh i guess they're classic cars they're 20 years old right some of them i don't know what you saw but i saw your thing on instagram where you had like um it almost reminded me of like like a lesaber or some one of those but you really like cleaned it up we we buy them and sell them a lot do you really dad and i yeah that's fucking sick so we like there's a few that i will never sell yeah um but there's a couple that i'm like i just kind of wanted to drive it for a while and then i'll settle it and buy something else what's your like so what like era of car do you like do you like restore them you're saying not necessarily restore them i just like i and that's something i didn't know about myself until i started being able to actually buy the cars oh yeah i don't like like the collectible ones that hold their value as long as you never touch them.
Yeah. But I do like, and that's something I didn't know about myself until I started being able to actually buy the cars.
I don't like like the collectible ones that hold their value as long as you never touch them.

But I do like some of those, but maybe like with more mileage, something I could like change stuff in.

Also like sleeper cars.

I actually won a Camaro.

I won a 2019 Camaro in a game of horse.

High stakes horse games.

What?

Yeah, that's the life of Ralph Barbosa, baby.

Horse?

You're like basketball horse?

Yeah.

What?

You took someone's pink slip in horse?

What was the winning shot?

Just a jump.

Bro, I have a cold jumper, like a mid-race jumper.

Yeah, that's good.

That's nice to have.

Most people, like, maybe they could make one or two,

but if you go from maybe like a repeat spot, bro, they'll miss.

They'll miss before I miss for sure.

Yeah, you're talking about just within the key kind of that like five to seven foot jumper. Yeah.
It's a good move. Good, bro.
Damn, you took so much Camaro. Yeah.
And the risk was I lose an 88 Supersport Monte Carlo I had. But I was trying to get rid of that car anyway because the car was in just like mint condition and maybe like 24,000 original miles on it but like I said like it was only going to keep its value if I just kept it so clean yeah what's the point yeah so then I had been looking to buy um like a 2016 2017 Chevy SS you ever see those yeah And I wanted one of those because they look like a Malibu, but they got the 6.2.
Do they have the stripes and everything or no? I don't know if some of them come with stripes. But anyway.
But you wanted one? I wanted one because I felt like that was a cool daily driver car. It looks like something you'd totally underestimate.
And it draw way less attention. But if you needed to smoke somebody, you could.
True, yeah. So I got that Camaro.
And I was like, all right, well, I'll get the Camaro. And I'll get the title transferred under my name.
And then I'll go. And if I ever find the Chevy SS, I got to use dealership or something.
I can go trade it in. But the dude who showed me Chevy SS, this is a mechanic dude I know named Jacob.
He was selling his around that time. Like literally the week after I got the Camaro.
I think he took it to race week where they go like city to city, like to different drag strips. And he kept finding air tags on it where people wanted to track it to go steal it.
What? Yeah. And he just had his son.
So he just was like, man, I don't want people trying to steal my shit, especially like I'm not selling. So he's like, I'm just going to sell it.
And I was like, bro, I'll trade you the Camaro and some cash. And he was like, fucking done.
And I guess he's going to sell that Camaro now. I don't know.
Just trade it in for whatever. But now I got that Chevy SS.
And he put a, he did a lot of work to it, which I didn't think about that. I don't know if it's more than I can handle.
The thing's pretty fucking fast. It's fast as shit.
Like I go pick up my son from school and she's like. It's pretty, yeah.
Yeah, that's sick. My dad was real into collecting like old muscle cars.
Yeah, it was like a phase. He gets like real into stuff and you know, whatever.
But yeah, my first car when I was growing up, I would drive like a 72 Chevelle, I think it was. Why do you say it's like a phase? Why do you keep hating on your dad? I'm not hating on him.
He just, this is what he does. He gets in.
My dad's late. He has saddles and he goes through phases.
He's the man, dude. For real, I mean, having to be in, you know, he's like 60-something just ripping on a motorcycle with his windshield.

It's totally respectable.

That is pretty sick, yeah. But I would say the same thing.

I'm like, bro, get a fucking bike, bro.

Roll a dog.

Our family's very, we like to fuck around with each other.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, he's a fucking beast.

But he used to collect old cars and same thing, like restore them, all that stuff.

So my first car that I got to drive in high school was like a 72 Chevelle.

Damn.

It wasn't, whatchamacallit? You had to like, what's that called? It's not fuel injected. So I had to like goose the gas pedal in the morning.
It's carbureted. Yeah.
Yeah. You had to sit there and just kind of like hit the thing down.
But that thing fucking, I don't know why he let me drive that. Like if you literally hit the gas all the way down, it would go like peel out.
Oh shit. It was sick.
One of those things. Yeah.
I fucking crashed like pretty quickly. You crashed it? Low stakes Like I was pulling up To my cousin's driveway To pick him up And my screen was just The screen fucking The windshield Was foggy And I just crashed into his I like ran into his dad's car On accident I couldn't say I've only been in like One or two I don't even know If you can call them wrecks Like fender benders When I was 12 My grandma had a Jeep Liberty liberty and i took off in it um yeah i wanted to buy like a video game i had saved up money i had like 90 something bucks saved up and i took i took my buddy with me we went to a to a game stop i was like you be my second set of eyes you know and we're both just like adrenaline pumping that's dude it's so scary when you're little driving a car you're not supposed to yeah my grandma was just asleep at home crashed it um i they so they didn't they couldn't sell me the video game because it was like you need an adult there so i gotta drive home yeah so we got in the car and i'm trying to like exit the parking lot onto the main road but there's a lot of cars coming in and i'm the the front of the car was like sticking out too far so i got scared and i just like slammed it into reverse and i and i slammed into this dude's uh dodge ram and it was this big old white dude and he just looked kind of like surprised to see this little 12 year old come out right yeah and he's just like what the hell man he's like you have insurance and like you have parents and i was just like, what the hell, man? He's like, you have insurance? And he's like, you have parents? And I was just like, man, I'm going to be 100% honest with you.
Like, I don't know how insurance works. This is my grandma's Jeep.
I don't think she has insurance. Like, she doesn't know English.
So, like, I don't know if she even did all that. I was like, I know body work must be, like, expensive because I, like, I d was just pleading with him.
I was like, look, man. I was like, this is like $98 and it's all my money ever.
Just take it. Yeah.
And he was just like, just get out of here, man. That's crazy.
That was nice of him. It was, but at the same time, your punishment is punishment is like just see if you can make it home like 12 year old yeah but he took your 98 bucks yeah he took the buck he took the money he's like just get out of here man but man yeah i was just like all right fuck it and did you fuck the liberty up nah bro i my grandma like never found out about that i got back before she woke up from her nap.
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That's not bad.

So you've never been in like a real car wreck, like airbags deployed and all that shit?

Uh-uh.

I've gotten one before.

It sucks.

Yeah?

Yeah, a lady just ran the stop sign and just fucking nailed me.

Damn. Yeah, she had no insurance.
There was airbags. You got nailed by a lady nice i did bro oh yeah cheers bro only the best only the most alpha well how old was the lady in her early 20s early 20s oh bro you got nailed by a chick i did girl it was a chick and she tried to get she didn't have insurance so she tried to blame you oh yeah she tried to come come out She was like holding her neck Like she was gonna sue me I'm like dude You ran your stop sign And once she figured it out I like showed her Like no no no Look like you're You fucked up She thought she was gonna get paid And I was like You did like one of these Like a flinch Dude I got like knocked out When I came to I saw the car And I was like I gotta get that lady's license plate So I went up And I like I put it in my phone or whatever And then like She came out like rolling on the ground like i'm calling my lawyer and i was like she she had dickhead you're at fault and she like literally got instantly better and was like oh shit and then like we're sitting there and then eventually she like peeled off and took off but already had the plate so wait so she tried to just take off before you damn yeah that's her problem she's being a jerk damn being a fucking asshole but you you got you tracked-hmm.
No, wait, she didn't have nothing. She didn't have anything, so it was like it was kind of like she didn't have insurance.
I had like the weakest. You took the loss? You just straight up took the loss? Took the L.
There was nothing to be had. She didn't have insurance.
How long ago was this? Probably like five, six years ago. I got like a for real brain injury.
I was knocked out, and I didn't sleep for like four days after that but i wasn't tired bro where where was this philly in philly yeah bro let's go find this broad i well so it's illegal to search people's uh addresses through their insurance i thought you were gonna say it's illegal to say broad no you can say broad it's illegal to search if you take someone's license plate address yeah if you take someone's license plate and get their address from it, you're technically not supposed to do that. But I was able to do that.
And then we just like, you know, we pulled up and like saw the situation. It was like, there's nothing to be had here.
Yeah? Yeah. This is like, is it like the house? Like, what's that movie? The Fighter with Mark Wahlberg? You ever seen that movie? I've seen it, yeah.
And he has like all the sisters. I just feel like one of the sisters hit you.
He's like, Ma! It was a lady and her mom, and the mom like came out, and like, you know, like the lady's not here, and then, you know, it was a big thing. But she did the right, she did go eventually, and I told her, I was like, I'm not pressing charges, but she went and eventually like took ownership.
She didn't get like a hit and run. No.
But there was just financially nothing to do. I could have sued her if I wanted to, but it's like, I'm not going to super poor lady yeah be like now you gotta get I'm gonna garnish her like Wendy's paycheck for free frosties you should have just told her free frosties or free desserts from wherever the bum fuck you work at for the rest of your life pull up as a reminder I'm not like that bro I'm a nice guy I know you've been trying to take me down this whole time, but I'm actually a really nice guy who, like, loves my dad.
I know you're nice, bro. I just think you got some issues.
I do. Yeah.
I do have some issues. Saw one too many shirtless people growing up.
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Call out my favorite flavor.

Voltage.

I'll go with voltage.

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Talk about what game slash activity you'd play with friends.

I don't know.

Sean, what did you think?

What do you think we would do if we had a mountain? If we had like an ice cold voltage, Sean, what do you think we would do if we had an ice-cold voltage-flavored Mountain Dew? Do you think we would maybe kiss forever? Nice! The mountain is calling. You should answer.
Grab your friends, grab an ice-cold Mountain Dew wherever refreshing beverages are sold, and do the do if, you know, that's what you're up to. the do thank you this isn't shot by the way yes it was all right good hey guys huge announcement here this weekend i will be in milwaukee i hope i spelled that correctly that's off memory um i'll be there this weekend thursday through saturday this weekend the dates would be the 24th through the 26th if I'm not mistaken please please come out to that I'm begging you guys ticket sales look okay I'm not mad at them but let's try to bump them up if you guys can if you can't I totally understand I would never bother you um 1115 Tyson's Virginia Capital One Hall I think that's close to bump them up.
If you guys can. If you can't, I totally understand.
I would never bother you. 11-15, Tyson's Virginia, Capital One Hall.
I think that's close to Washington, D.C. No knock on Tyson's Virginia.
I'm just saying if you guys want to kind of come in from there, I don't think the commute would be too bad. Well, I don't know.
Maybe it's far. Just check it out.
Also, 11-16, New York, New York. As part of the New York Comedy Festival at Town Hall.
I'll be there for a night, so come to that. And also, here's the big one, 1129 to 1130.
I'll be in Irvine, California at the Irvine Improv. Come on out.
What do you say? Why wouldn't you? Matilda! Dude, I can't believe you never saw a shirtless construction worker. That's crazy.
Did you work construction? Yeah. You never saw it? What was your, like, field of construction? I was on the electrical side.
Okay. Yeah.
I did electrical before. Yeah.
What did you do? Were you, like, a helper? Did you get, like, did you, like, run it? Or, like, what was your... Yeah, nah, I was not running shit.
Outlets and shit? That's what I did. I did outlets.
Outlets. I just have to like watch out for the, what do they call it?

The track holes when they like dig and stuff.

Yeah.

Because we had a lot of like underground.

You're doing like the services and shit?

Yeah.

We were like working like at factories and installing big machinery.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's pretty industrial, bro.

Yeah.

I was doing like houses and shit.

No.

Okay.

I was doing like outlets and stuff.

Okay.

You see what I'm talking about here though?

It's like.

So you're in an industry.

You can, in residential, it was.

I'll see you next time. I was doing like houses and shit.
No, okay. I was doing like outlets and stuff.
Okay. You see what I'm talking about here though? It's like.
So you're in an industry. You can, in residential, it was anything goes.
I don't feel like that's true either though. You can't just go to someone's house and take off your clothes, bro.
If it's a shell, no one's there. It's a brand new house.
Talking new construction, old construction. Okay.
New construction, no shirt, no problem. Maybe that's how things are going Philly.
True. Here the construction guys look like fucking Fallout characters.
They have like a mask all over, sleeves on. The old keys and shit.
Yeah, it's crazy. They look like fucking creative players in Fortnite.
Yeah, bro. Because we have a structure in good old Texas, all right? It's not a free-for-all.
Bro, yeah. Isn't this Philly where crime runs rampant? True, true.
And men are just twerking off the walls. When's the last time? Have you been in Philly recently? Yeah, I went.
Not recently. It was already like, you know when it was during WrestleMania? Okay, yeah, that was like, that was relatively recent.
I saw that guy Drewski there. Did you really? Yeah.
I'm a big fan of Drewski, but he didn't want nothing to do with me. What the fuck? It was understandable because like the situation.
What's the situation? What are you talking about? I guess we were staying at the same hotel. Gotcha.
And I was leaving the hotel around like three or 4 a.m. to go to the airport.
And as I'm getting in the car, my buddy was like, yo, that's Drewski.ski he's like walking towards the hotel and i just yelled from like the other side of the street like drewski let me get a picture and his security just looked around like who yelled that and they just like zoomed into the hotel yeah true so that's why i'm like all right i understand that like yeah that makes sense probably that was like some some fan. Yeah, true.
He didn't know it was two young kings in passing. Yeah.
Yeah, you should hit him up. Re-hit him up.
Like, dude, that was me who screamed at you, and I still like that picture. I don't think he's going to open that DM.
You don't think so? Nah. True, true.
It is funny to see who you can, like, who will actually respond to you. Because, like, you're pretty big in comedy.
You get around, so it's like, have you, like, tried out to like famous people to see if they'll honor it? Or like, how do you go about that? Man, I rarely reach out to like a famous person. But if they reach out to me, I'm just like, hell yeah, we're friends now.
Yes. Yeah, it is cool.
It's a cool feeling. Me and Paul Wall, we talk.
That's tight. Yeah, yeah.
He's a businessman too now. He's like all cleaned up.
Yeah, he got the comb over now. Really? Yeah, the guy's different.
Well, as a white rapper, you have to eventually, like if you get too old and you still look the way you did when you're 20, it doesn't age well. Eminem never did a comb over, but he did grow a beard.
He had to switch it up because it's like if he was fucking 50 with blonde hair, dyed blonde hair, it just starts to look like dude what are you doing yeah that's true people don't think about the white rappers do have to go through a lot man why yeah white rappers they gotta they gotta like and then they i don't know did you ever watch that guy did you see that guy uh his name was lil white you see him yeah i actually have yeah from memphis yeah i remember that guy i can't picture what he looks like, but I have definitely seen him. I don't know where he's at now, but that's one white rapper that I'm like, why didn't he, like, I don't know.
He should have been more popular than he was. He was white, but he was like.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what, man? He kind of looked a lot like, who was that other guy? He looks like he owns a strip club in that one picture.
He does, dude. See, look, look to him he kind of clean he went like full conor mcgregor like neck tat kind of businessman looking yeah that uh there was another guy oh my god who's the riffraff he kind of reminds me a little the look a little bit of riffraff a little bit i guess people shit on riffraff a lot but man you ever heard that song Time by Riff Raff look up that song on YouTube I like Riff Raff bro that song it'll make you cry really hell yeah yeah they can do it to you crying to a Riff Raff song would be crazy did it really get you it made you cry I mean not me cause I'm a man true that yeah no they could get me I could see that that Right.
Riff Raff Riff Raff Rill was like a bona fide. He was like a sick celebrity.
He was like a cool dude. Yeah, he had those weird chompers.
Those fucking. He had the X Factor.
Yeah. Wasn't he in the movie Spring Break? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe. I think he played in like Harmony Corrine did this movie and he played like a drug dealer and he was a good actor too.
I never watched that movie, but that's the one where James Franco sucks the gun, right? He puts a gun in his mouth. Dude, I'm the worst with movies.
I see movies. Yes, he wasn't.
Yeah. Yes, I'm thinking that might have been the one.
Oh, fuck. That was Franco in the movie.
Or were they just like basing it off of him? I don't know. Maybe Franco and Riff Raff were in that movie because I forgot.
If I was Franco, I'm thinking Riff R that character fuck that bro Riff Raff should sue them he should sue Franco for literally trying to beat him yeah true yeah I guess Franco did suck a gun in that movie I didn't I totally I probably like walked out during that I was probably like I'm not fucking watching this everybody's saying they walked out of Joker I heard the Joker gets raped right isn't right? Isn't that like... What? Someone said there's a three-man-on-one-man rape scene.
Why? Why did they do all that? I don't know why they did that. I'm going to be honest.
Damn. Yeah, that's fucked up.
They took that. Did you like the first one? I liked the first one, but maybe this is me just having a little bit of that toxic toxic Texas mentality but when I saw that the movie was called Joker A.
Folier or some shit like that I was like that's gonna be so gay when I had the French shit yeah you don't have to apologize for that instinct why do you keep apologizing for having just like a proper masculine instinct people get mad at shit like that who though I don know. On the internet? I don't got to worry about them.
People get mad all the time, dude. Yeah.
But I hear what you're saying. But you can say, you know, it is a correct instinct to see a French title and be like, this might be kind of gay.
Why? Why would they do that? Yeah, that sucks. What is the title of it again? Like, John Bambamon? Je neambamon? John Bambamon? Oh, he does get, yeah, the Joker gets gang raped by prison guards in Joker 2.
After he called out the abuses. So now they made Joker a victim, you know? Well, he said, very glad I will never watch this movie fully.
They ruined the first movie's legacy. How about that? Yeah.
How would you take that, script writer? That's crazy, too, to be like, we're going to start this off with a prison gang rape. Whoever wrote that review, fuck them, too.
I know. Because they're just like, ruined the first, they're just sucking the dick of the first movie.
To say the legacy, too. Calm down, bro.
The first one was just a good movie. Like, it's fine, you know? That's just the legacy.
Imagine looking at it, thinking about movies' legacies. I just think it's crazy to think there's like a legacy like on max the you want to see my legacy sure you have you have an account it's like shut the fuck up yeah i would i always think you ever think about like the world of very serious men yeah it's kind of that's what they're up to if you're not funny you're movies' legacies.
You're like, they've tarnished the reputation for all time.

This movie will never- Bro, people who write movie reviews.

Yeah, dude.

I took my son to watch Inside Out 2.

Great movie, too, by the way.

I thought that movie was hilarious.

Did that make you cry?

No, it didn't make me cry, but it made me laugh a lot.

Really?

Yeah, I love that movie.

It was good.

And I saw this one post on Instagram randomly where somebody was just talking shit about

the movie, and they did it in such an educated, movie-crit I'm just like dude suck a dick yeah dude what's your problem this is just a funny cartoon movie that movie helped me I watched it and I was like yeah dude I do gotta take it easy and just start going like a little I don't wanna spoil it but when she has that ending skating scene yeah when she was peaceful at the very end people have seen it by now true dude that movie for real like for three days i felt like i was like tapped into that state that i watched that girl when she was like you're effortless you're not good enough you're not good enough yeah dude but when i saw that she stopped caring if she was good enough or not i'm like she's never gonna be anything in life you don't think she's gonna settle she's gonna be a fucking loser i didn't think about a housewife or something. Yeah, just settle.
Not that housewife is bad, but I bet you she's not going to have a successful man. Yeah, you don't think she'll have a successful man? Or she won't be slamming other ladies into the boards on that hockey rink? She's going to play, like, fucking, what do you call it? Like, recreational hockey? Yeah.
Keep it up. Yeah.
As long as she keeps up that mentality. True.
She probably got knocked up. Bro, you can't be a champion in life and take care of your mental health.
True. This is stupid.
You gotta just grind yourself into a pulp. Yeah.
So I go back and forth on whether or not that's the case. I'm like, or you could come from a supreme perspective.
Like Rick Rubin. Just like totally chill.
You think Rick Rubin's not fucked in the head right now? I think he's chill. I don't know.
He's wrote a whole book about how chill he is. Yeah.
Yeah. You think he's like secretly freaking out? That guy has demons somewhere, bro.
Yeah, true. Doesn't he just walk barefoot everywhere? Yeah, and like he like lives according to like different weather patterns.
He just moves like six times. You're right.
You gotta be be crazy to move well i'll tell you what that's probably what keeps him sane though if anything is he doesn't ever shave or get a haircut and he just goes where the weather's comfortable yeah he never he never once just wakes up and has to do something outside he's just like fuck fucking hot as shit out here yeah he's just barefoot and he's just a vibe man he gets paid to like sit in on albums and be like how you feeling bro and people like apparently he's a fantastic producer uh yeah i mean don't get me wrong the guy's like like a musical genius i had the same instinct as you i was like full of shit the guy nobody's that chill it's all bullshit then i read his book and i'm like damn this guy might be that chill, I read the first chapter of his book and I was like, nah, fuck this guy.

I could see that.

What are you trying to teach me here?

Be open to the creative impulse of the universe, dude.

I guess.

You don't want to hear that?

Where do you think you get your ideas from?

Do you think you spawned them yourself or they just dawn on you from out of nowhere?

My ass.

You're a pretty prolific dude, man.

You come out with a lot of stuff.

Yeah.

Pretty sick. He's got a cool ass.
Ass. Comes right out of your ass.
I fart a lot. That's nice.
I'll say this. I do respect Rick Rubin's whole, like, this is how you stay creative thing.
But the thing I didn't like about his book, and maybe I should have read more of the book because it's not fair to judge off of the first two pages. I mean, you didn't judge it by the cover.

The cover is pretty kind of, I would say, minimalistic and kind of cool.

You didn't judge it by the cover.

I do like the cover.

You judged by the intro.

He starts off with a quote.

Yeah, what was the quote?

I don't remember the person who says it, which I should because I do love that quote.

But it's something along the lines of the objective is not to create art, but to be in that wonderful state of mind in which art is inevitable. Yeah.
And, um. I like that too.
I don't necessarily think of like writing jokes as like an art. Yeah.
I feel like it's kind of gay to say that. It is.
But I do feel like I get what they mean where like, if I'm just in that state of mind where like funny, just kind of flow, like funny thoughts, like funny thoughts like yeah i get that you know yeah if i i get the same way if i'm like too crabby or caught up with all the bullshit it's like it doesn't come if you can stay if i can stay kind of like chill somehow or like just like keep a you know humorous outlook on life rather than being like i gotta fucking sell tickets like that that whatever that's happening my you know i'm not tuned in so i get it but it is also very gay to be like my art so i i do appreciate that too to be like nah dude i just go and it's i think that's why the rest of the book was just like i couldn't keep reading because if if the if the whole point of the book was to get me to like get me into a creative space was like oh the quote was enough it't even his quote. Somebody else said that.
And the rest of the book is just him being like. Imagine you're like a blade of grass.
Ruben would probably be like, good. I'm glad you just read the quote.
Sometimes that's all we need. That's cool too.
I'm sure he's a cool guy. But that is, yeah, a lot of it is that very zen kind of like, you know, like a blade of grass grows.
And if you watch it. I'm also not a big fan of hippies, though.
So I feel like I probably would avoid that guy. Like if me and him were like in the room and I'm hungry, I'd be like, put some fucking shoes on so I can eat.
Yeah, you'd be pissed off. Yeah.
Yeah. I'm the same way.
I love hippie philosophy. But the reality of hippies, when I come around them, I'm kind of like.
Sometimes they smell. Yeah, they smell.
Dude, they're very, they're backstabbers, bro. Yeah.
They preach this big thing when it comes down. Dude, like the hippie life is, a lot of it is just following bands.
And it's hard because you can't have a job and follow a band. So they do a lot of like kind of, you know, like sell this or that or whatever.
Oh, yeah. I saw that South Park episode.
Yeah. Did you? Yeah.
You remember that one where they do like a Woodstock thing? Oh, that was, when was that? That while back i was a kid what did they what did they cover on that one i don't remember um so like all these hippies are starting to come to south park and they get into like the kids minds where they're just like the corporations are evil man like we're gonna take them down and then they do the big woodstock thing and um the kids are there like all right like when we start taking the corporations? It's like when they see this music festival, like they're really going to fucking have it, you know? Yeah. And Carmen, Carmen was the only voice of reason in that episode.
Cause he's the one that's like a hippie exterminator. He always hated the hippies.
Yeah. Dude, I've had like firsthand experience with them and they're like very behind that whole like facade of like, yeah, man, they're, it's like, they're fucking like very self-serving and, like, very shitty towards one another.
Yeah. They'll, like, stab each other in the back just to be able to, like, follow a band for six months.
And, like, they'll, like, steal each other's, like, connects and all this stuff. It's, like, fucking, being a hippie is, like, ruthless, man.
I don't know. Now it sounds kind of cool.
I kind of want to be, like, a road hippie. Dude, evil hippies.
Survival of the fittest. They're fucking evil hippies.
Dude, they'll like come into a town, be kind of transient, set up shop Start selling like a bunch of weed at festivals And you can kind of, it's like a whole economy of itself I just, man, now I'm just really afraid That people are going to hear me on this podcast And be like, yeah, this guy's fucking Republican Why? Dude, it's inevitable, you're a man If you get older, you're going to become Republican You think so? Yeah, dude Alright, but I'm going to be like closeted Republican because i'm never going to act on it yeah don't act just keep it yourself yeah do you want to be damn or you just don't want to be either you want to be apolitical what is that what it's called when you don't do either yeah just be fucking like the women if you can get some pussy being dem if you're like yeah dude i fucking love the democrats you get i feel like you get more pussy that way you think so maybe for white guys maybe yeah maybe so for white guys because it's like i'm uh i also feel like at their core women want a strong conservative man i hang out with strippers bro they just care about money true they're they're also pretty fucking political they don't care who i yeah true they don't have you dated a stripper for real i've never dated but we don't hang out yeah you chill yeah do the night thing yeah yeah Yeah, they don't really care. I used to love going to strip clubs early, like on a Sunday afternoon, because there's no one else that's in there.
You can really chat them up. Yeah.
That's a good time to go. You think so? I don't know, man.
They're not that busy. I'm learning a lot about you and myself during this podcast.
You never went in the afternoon and just chilled? Mm-mm. If the sunlight is out, I don't want to go.
Oh, dude, it's the best. I don't want to go to a strip club unless I'm already drunk.
Really? Yeah. No, I would drink a little bit, but you go, dude, I'm telling you, try this, dude.
Go in there with your friends, Sunday afternoon, quiet time. They're not all as like, they're not as like business mode.
It's them, they're chilling. You can like really just like have a good time.
Oh. I've went on a date with a stripper before.
Yeah? I think she was honestly between us us i think she was just trying to take money from me um but it was like yeah it was pretty pretty bad well it wasn't all i thought it would i thought it'd be more glamorous like dating a stripper but she had like an infant there with her when i showed up at her house what yeah dang yeah we made out so no it's very it's very humbling it's more humbling than you think it's humbling dude just but i do like just kind of like partying and hanging out with just women of the nightlife. You like that.
Bottle girls, bartenders, strippers, whatever. Because those are the girls that just want to have fun and they're not expecting you to go on real dates.
True. But I did meet one, and I won't say in which city because then I feel like she's going to know I'm talking about her and probably get her feelings I did me one that I do feel like she was very much like I was her ticket out and if I'm your ticket out you're not doing so good like you're like pretty down in the dumps you know you're doing well what are you talking about I don't know I just feel like there's so many better tickets ticket outs yeah yeah but um you felt that pressure yeah see I would cave instantly See, I would cave instantly.
I'm such a simp, dude. I'd be like, come on, I'll make an honest woman out of you.
Yeah. I know myself.
I'm old enough now where I know myself. I think before when I first started getting attention from women due to success, I was a little bit like that.
I was just like, yeah, but I wouldn't really do it. Yeah.
Yeah, for sure. But now i'm at a point where like i can be honest i'm gonna be like nah don't yeah don't don't expect me to um be very uh righteous true yeah i'm i think i'm pretty shitty that probably turns them on though you're telling them you're not righteous they're probably like damn yeah it's tight telling a lady like i'm not righteous what are you gonna do though so you are you gonna like try to find a are.
What are you going to do, though? So are you going to, like, try to find a—

Are you just going to keep messing around with women of the night,

or are you going to try to find, like—

I think I'll find, like, a girlfriend eventually.

True.

But I'm never going to get married.

Yeah.

I don't think I could do that.

Yeah.

It's just kind of, like, a little weird to me.

And, like, I don't want to legally bind myself to a person.

I'm just afraid of legal stuff, paperwork.

I've done it twice. You did it twice? Yeah, I've i've been married divorced and i'll marry it again two kids okay well that's good though it worked out the second time yeah it's going but it's like it's uh yeah it's pretty i i kind of agree it is a weird we feel like i've heard of this before if you look at the legal agreement of marriage it's the worst deal ever really but at the same time it's like like the saying like would you ever sign up with something like yo if we stop talking you're gonna take half no matter it's like legally it's a bad deal for a man it's like if i love somebody why do we have to split shit 50 50 if it doesn't work out yeah i think it's just set up for like it's kind of like in a so that women can't get like basically abused like knocked up not like hit but like knocked up because rearing a child for a person is like a serious thing so it's like they should be entitled I think they should be entitled to something for the rest of your life alright like if that's dude I agree with that part yeah but I hear what you're saying though but like 50% of everything it's like that should be kind of up to your discretion also I don't think there should be like legalities behind it Yeah, but it hear what you're saying, though, but like 50% of everything, it's like that should be kind of up to your discretion.

Also, I don't think there should be like legalities behind it. Yeah, but it's because of bad actors.
Then you get guys that go in and just knock chicks up. Yeah, that's true, too.
And then it's like you're not taking care of it at all. So it's like you need to have something.
My son's mom, we get along very well, and I'm always going to like do what I can to make sure like they're both good. but I guess I could see like if I was just being such like real shitty to her like I could see how

like the legalities of it could help her out yeah you're like a good dude you're not like there's dudes out there that are just like for real like it's because they'll just do i had friends that'd be like just would just blow loads and chicks not even just don't even care they didn't give a fuck wouldn't think twice about it that's because i started playing a lot of red dead too true don't want my honor to be high you didn't play that game that game is sick you can go either way dude you can be a villain or you say your high honor on red dead um only because i restarted the game because did you fall did you have like a wicked life on red dead yeah i was going bad for like i was already like to chapter five and like at the end of every chapter i was getting that that wolf that like you know when you i never made it that i've only like kind of seen the game it got like the feel for it yeah there's a wolf that comes after you yeah like in between chapters every time you go to the next chapter right the next level of the game or whatever it either shows like an elk if you're like this honorable man or it shows like a wolf like just staring you down damn yeah i think it's like a was like a black yeah looking thing and um i was just like man that's that's pretty sick like that wolf thing you know but then i then i was just like i don't know i always thought my honor was in the middle and then one day i like i kept, I never check it. And I had, like, really low honor.
Damn. And people were treating me like shit.
I would say, howdy, mister. So people walking by and they'd be like, you moron.
And I would fucking shoot the guy. Yeah, I mean, what else did he provoke you? So I'm trying to redo the game, but with high honor to see what the difference is.
But it's hard, bro. I know, man.
It must be difficult. I was riding my horse the other day,

and this dude rode by with his horse.

He's like, that's a mighty fine horse you got there.

He's like, you want to race him?

So I was like, hell yeah, I'll race the guy.

And when he got ahead of me,

because he fucking cheated piece of shit.

But I remember for some reason,

I guess his horse knocked him off.

But I'm riding my horse full speed. So the guy gets off his horse or falls off of it.
And then, like, I immediately run him over. And I lost honor.
And I was like, bro, that was manslaughter. It was an accident.
That was a voluntary manslaughter. Yeah, but I still lost honor for it.
What? Yeah. So I'm suing Rockstar.
Yeah, true, man. That's fucked up.
What are you going to have to do to, like, make up for it? I don't know.'t know I gotta probably say hi to a bunch of NPCs yeah you're gonna spend the rest of your life making up for that crime hell yeah damn you didn't even try to run the guy it's so hard to play those games and not just murder everybody bro I accidentally I didn't even pay attention I rode my horse by somebody's campfire and I just heard a voice I just heard I just heard a voice being like, this camp ain't for me. I didn't invite any visitors.
And I turned around to see, like, who's talking, and the guy had his gun on me. And the guy pulls your gun on.
You got to shoot that guy. Yeah, you do.
You do. That's just Texas law, baby.
Does that fuck up your honor? Yeah. I lost honor for killing that guy at his campsite.
Look, man, none of us are going to be perfect. You got to do what you got to do.
I think it'd be. Here's the thing, though.
What the fuck, Rockstar? Like, why do you put that in the game, bro? Like, I already got to have honor in real life, and I got to have it in the game, too. Like, I came here to escape, bro.
I came here to kill old 1800s hookers. Yeah, man.
Now you got to worry about, like, yeah, being judged and stuff. Yeah.
I agree. That kind of does ruin it just to it just to put a moral pressure on the whole thing.
Yeah. I'm going to go back to playing low honor mode.
Yeah. You have to.
There's something crazy about just being a good boy in a video game. It's like you're going to snap.
No matter what, your character dies at the end. Your character gets tuberculosis in the game.
Really? Like he's fucking Doc Holliday or something. What? Yeah.
Like, what the fuck? I paid so much money for this game. Did it die? And I got disease in the game? So you're struggling with like morality and like death.
Yeah, bro. It's better to just shoot everybody in that game.
Yeah, you just gotta go nuts. You can rob people.
It's pretty sick. That's pretty tight.
You can like find card games. And I don don't know it's kind of weird hearing the npcs talk like there's like a new orleans type city and i feel like the voices they do for the different characters are like they were afraid to be racist so they're like borderline yeah yeah like it's like a chinese immigrant but it sounds like he grew up in new york kind of yeah he like barely has like accent.
Yeah, that's kind of bullshit, man. If you're going to do it, do it, man.
Fucking commit, bro. Yeah, go all in.
Or, like, you ride your horse out, and, like, there's, like, you go do missions for, like, some plantation owners. And I guess this is, like, post, you know, after the Civil War.
So there's, like, no black workers out there. Really? Yeah.
But I'm like, this is the South and all these workers are white. Yeah.
Yeah. They didn't have the slaves in the game.
They didn't have no slaves. There's black people in the game, but none of them are slaves.
Freeman. Yeah.
We passed a cotton field recently. Me and my wife's black.
We passed a cotton field coming from here to like Houston. And she was like, what is that growing that growing I was like and then eventually I was like it's Cottonfield she's like fucking the game should like let you the game should be a little more accurate but it should let and I think it does on one mission I don't know I'll do the Chinese accents if they need somebody get it.
But they should let you like fucking, I don't know,

like your mission now is like fucking

kill this slave owner.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Some cool shit like that.

Like Django.

Yeah, you can go

liberate them.

But don't give me

white fucking people

picking cotton like.

Were they,

oh, they're out there

working?

Just kind of,

they had white,

maybe they had white slaves.

Maybe the game's just

based as hell.

I feel like now

I'm going to get like

some angry Republican

in my DMs like, there was fucking

white slaves too. That's what I'm saying.
You're hitting on the white slave theory, dude. There I say, some of the Irish, bro.
But not. I think there were a couple.
I think there were a couple of white slaves, but it's one of those things where it was like not a lot. You know what I mean? There's like a Mexican character on Red Dead and you can walk by some Mexicans or like they're drinking in the bar and I'm like

alright that's pretty accurate

I think

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so There's like a Mexican character on Red Dead. And you can walk by some Mexicans or like they're drinking in the bar.
And I'm like, ah, that's pretty accurate, I think. Yeah.
It's like this drunk Mexican dude. So they cry, but they hit the accent.
But they wouldn't hit a Chinese or Asian accent. Bro, but all the accents are like mild.
Yeah. You know what I mean? What was like, how did the Asian guy sound? The Asian guy was like, oh, don't go back there, sir.

Yeah, they still gave him. I know what you mean.
It showed him way more. Yeah, I'm also bad at accents, so I don't know.
I just sounded like me. I was just trying to get you to do an Asian accent.
You just sounded like me, but whispering. The guy sounded more Asian than that.
That is a good. Yeah, it's a harmful stereotype that Asians only whisper.
Yeah. But, all right.
Is it offensive if you do like an Asian voice, but it's not words that you just made up? Like, how do you say it? Like, if I'm quoting an already Asian accent. Yeah, I think it's totally fair to do that.
Yeah? And hilarious. Because, I don't know, I think it's a hilarious bit.
I guess's pretty racist i don't know this is what i don't think it's racist to say the talk like other people talk well i just i just i mean like the bit was probably racist oh yeah yeah but this is like i grew up watching family guy very little parental supervision but uh there's that scene it always makes me laugh and it might be wrong to laugh at it I don't know But it just It makes me laugh It's one of those Family Guy cutaways And it's like an Asian dude Going up at the Apollo To an all black crowd And he's just like How everybody doing tonight? He's like You ever had two black guys Go in your store? It's like One go one way One go the other He's like What they doing? What they stealing? Who with me? And it's like an all black crowd. And they're just like, boom, fuck this guy.
And the dude just gets pissed. He's like, all of you stay at my store.
I remember your face. That's hilarious.
Right? It's genuinely hilarious. That's very funny.
But is it racist? Yeah, but it's funny enough to where like, you know, it's one of those things where it's like, with racial humor, if it's not funny, it sucks. Because then everyone's kind of like, oh man.
It's just straight up racist. When it's funny, it's just like you're taking a thing and just kind of like, you know, elevating it to like a very funny level.
But at that point, it's like, what makes it funny? I have an idea of like what my rule is for like, does it qualify as funny?

Yeah.

But I think everybody has a different rule or whatever, like a different. See, I think a black person watching that would be laughing.
Yeah? Yeah, dude. If you see like a Chinese guy just doing that and like get out of my story, it's like, I think, yeah, I think that's funny.
I think of a joke, whether it be on TV or like in person or whatever. think of a joke um if like 50 of the people in the room hearing that joke laugh like it's funny yeah you you lost like not that you lost the right to like say how you felt about it but like at if 50 if half the room laughs yeah you have to admit like all right like it's more funny than it whatever.
For sure. Yeah.
Yeah. You're making people laugh.
It's a beautiful, it's a wonderful thing to laugh. So it's like, if you can take something, you know, like that and then just turn it into something very funny that causes people joy, it's like, yeah, you should definitely do that.
Hell yeah. Right.
Yeah. But the problem with the race stuff is when people, in my opinion, when they just be like, I know people are going to get mad and I'm going to say this.
And it's not funny. And it's not like a moral thing I have against it.
I'm like, that just sucks. It's like, make it funny.
Yeah. It's better when people are like, watch me say this.
And it's like, cool, man. One of my buddies didn't like South Park when we were kids because he thought it was racist towards Mexicans.
But that buddy also didn't even speak Spanish. So I'm like, bro, you're not even a full Mexican here.
Like, you're racist. Yeah, South Park is so funny, man.
That's crazy. He didn't like when they're like, they pay the illegals to write their essays.
And they wrote their literal, like, friends. They're like, oh, see, I wrote my essay.
That's funny, bro. That's so funny.
Funny is funny. Yeah.
No, if it makes you laugh, it's good. But yeah, I've recently, I had like a, kind of like a, not like a crisis, but I started to be like, I don't know if I even like doing standup anymore.
And then I was like, I'll do it. I'll go do it on the weekend.
And now I've hit a place where I'm like, yeah, I find it absolutely essential. Just for my state, my well-being.
That's kind of got to be tough, too, when you're being honest with yourself about something like that. You dedicated so much time and effort to getting good at stand-up, and you go from bombing to finally doing good, and it takes you months, years, and stuff.
But then to finally be like, I don't want to. It the forrest gump when he when he got tired of running yeah like all right like i'm tired now i'm gonna go home now well i just having little kids and i'm like i don't want to be away i can podcast and not be away from home yeah and then i'd slow up on the stand-up and get miserable and i didn't know what was going on i was like miserable for a couple weeks and then i just didn't do stand-up for like three weeks and then i and then i did it like the last two nights and I just felt like I was just I had my pep in my step I was like oh I didn't know I actually had to do that did Rick Rubin tell you to do that no I didn't I never finished his book either to be fair I didn't finish his book I love it I love the idea of it but yeah after a couple chapters you're like yeah I think I get the point here I agree though I feel like I gotta have a balance of like i gotta spend time with my son you know what i mean yeah but i also gotta like fucking go do some stand-up but if i if i dive too deep into one or the other i'll start to like fucking tick inside a little bit no you're absolutely right man and it's one of those things this is what i tell myself it's like because i've always i would get guilty and be like i should just get a fucking regular job and be here all the time but it's like then i'd be miserable and i'd be like mean to my kids i think about that too yeah it's like if i stopped doing that i'd just be a miserable fucking dickhead and just scream at them i'd do it anyway true but it's like how much more how much more would you do it i started punching my son oh yeah i used to um my buddy moved out to new york my buddy that i started doing comedy around the same time as him he moved out to new york early on and so i'd always go crash on his couch stay out there for a few weeks and just try to go get spots and stuff and felt like it helped me get better and as things started taking off for me um my son was around like the three four age and it wasn't too hard to like take off because he was he was living with his mom and um like i could still get my days and i can go stay in new york and just focus on stand-up and whatever but now you know he's five he's in school and he's with me during the week he's with me a lot more um i it might have been like some months ago.
I took a trip out to New York to try to stay there for a couple weeks and work out material. And I was just like, bro, fuck the material.
You want to go be with my kid? Yeah, exactly. I'm hanging out with funny people, but also hanging out with people who are just kind of still not dads.
Yeah, exactly. And I just had to come to terms with, bro, I'm a fucking dad now like i just have to accept who i am yeah it is a process dude especially because i feel like stand up and i wonder if you feel that's the way they're like stand up and having kids it almost feels sometimes like diametric like completely opposed where you're like it's like yeah but it is tough like maintaining both of them because you're right though if you do all of one if you're like i'm not doing any of this shit i'm like i'm just gonna be you know a dad and focus on that you do have to do both but yeah that like i try to tell people i'm like dude getting away for a week is like a devastator on my kids man when i'm away for like the entire week they're like fucks him up bro my son starts acting a donkey yeah they get bad he loses respect for everybody in the house my daughters get so.
If I'm gone for more than three days, they stop listening to

their mom. It's pretty bad.

And then they don't want to admit, my family

or even his mom doesn't want to admit

that it's like,

you know, he misses me.

But that's what it is.

But you have to be what you are though.

Because if you try to become something totally

different. Have you ever tried in your life to be like, fuck, stand up, I'm just going to square up and get, like, my regular job? One time I, like, quit for, like, a day.
I had, like, a good amount of little opening gigs here and there, local stuff, bar shows. And just was having a really stressful time, a lot of of arguments and just one day i just called everybody who i was gonna either open for or like whatever gigs i had locally and i just canceled all of them it's really dramatic i'm gonna quit before i even really had like a start you know write a facebook post i'm no longer doing stand-up anymore i never got that game i i know but you see people do that they formally quit stand-up and you're like all right man if you if you yeah i for the if you ever wrote a facebook post about how you're quitting stand-up you never really started stand-up bro shut the fuck up i just like to let everybody You just like to let everybody know.
I'm not going to open mics anymore. But, yeah, I just did that for like a day.
But then the next day, I was just like, I called everybody back. I was like, hey, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I quit for a day.
Yeah, I want to come back. I tried for like months at a time, and I just become miserable, man.
I would like try to I just you feel like a fucking alien and the longer you do stand up that like when you try to like work in an office you just feel weird and then it's sad because you go like people like oh you used to do stand up and you're like yeah but did you purposely choose like the saddest possible job that's all I could get I couldn't get anything else it was like I grew up doing construction and then like I went to college and then like I worked in an office. My dad was always like, get an office job.
It's the shit you're in the air conditioning. And then I got in an office and I'm like, this is fucked.
Did you ever work in an office before? It's fucked up. Sounds boring.
It's unbelievably boring. And it's, everybody's doing nothing.
I made it like, I think four months at one internship and then I lasted three weeks in another office and that, I have like a short with it but dude it's like it's really fucked up everyone's doing nothing everyone's pretending to work and then there's this like big hierarchy where you're getting like I would get emails in all caps they like to let them know they were mad at me and I'd be like the dude's like right there and I'm like what the fuck is like yo you got a problem yeah for real I'd be like what the fuck is your but But I did, I was at an office and there was a guy he was like a high up partner and he like this big dramatic thing where he broke away from his other partners in this office and his name was like Marisimo. He had like some name that was just I had to go to his Google email and delete I think it was illegal.
I think he like they wanted to delete proof of like something that they had. So I had to delete shit out of his and delete.
I think it was illegal. I think he like, they wanted to delete proof that of like something that they had.

So I had to delete shit out of his email.

But then I pulled up his Google chat and I was like chatting up other people from the office.

My boss found out and sent me an email.

So I was like, I hit up my like, I had like the big boss and I had like my direct boss.

And I hit him up.

I'm like, what are you doing?

He'd be like, hey, what's up?

I'm like, bro, I got a bottle in my room. I'm kind of lonely if you want to chill.
And then he thought it was funny. He told me like, yo, hit up this guy, hit up that guy.
And then eventually my, like the boss of the bosses found out and sent me the all caps, like do not use chat feature while using. It's like, it's fucked up, man.
It's like, um, there was a guy in there who would would be like i'm not going to talk to any of you unless you close a deal and he would walk in every he came in only once a week from new york uh he wasn't going to talk to you wouldn't talk to you or acknowledge your presence unless you closed the deal unless you closed the deal so if you said you're rewarded with his presence he sucked too yeah he's such a dickhead so like he would come in and like the guy next to me was like, dude, I just want to like make a good impression and talk to him. And his sister also worked there.
She was also like one of our bosses. And she, uh, she was like, I can get like you like a face to face if you want.
And the dude set it up, dude, through his sister. And the guy came into our office like, Hey man, how you doing? It was like a shitty meeting greet.
Yeah, dude, it was awkward. It was really fucking awkward.
Yeah. Dude, I'm telling you, Office Life, it was like a shitty meet and greet yeah it was awkward it was really

fucking awkward yeah dude i'm telling you office life i have like a serious thing against it i think it like for real gives people brain damage i never i never took advantage of like the i guess jobs i could have had i always just i always went to like work with illegals yeah i had my first job when I was 12,

I was a dishwasher.

My buddy's family

had a restaurant.

That d*** went to like work with illegals yeah i had my first job when i was 12 at like i was a dishwasher my buddy's family at a restaurant that dude over there oh nice and so we're just washing dishes and with his uncles and like working in the kitchen you know yeah so then i did that or i'd go my dad had a couple different business he had a body shop so i'd go sand cars in the shop where there was no like code requirements yeah there's like pictures of naked ladies in mechanic shops there was a lot of yeah dude it's like that far off then you go to an office and you're like you think you can talk with someone at work because that's how it is in construction if you get pussy you tell everyone so i would go in and like tell my office mate like i got pussy last night and then they get the lady who was like the boss would be like you can't talk like that. All caps email coming your way.
All caps email cooking one up being like you are not allowed to refrain from referring to the activities prior to nothing. I grew up around these types of jobs so by the time I was of like working age like 16 and I went to work at McDonald's even that was too corporate for me.
Yeah. I got to like talk to the fucking fucking customers i was like can i just wash the dishes and they're like no you're not old enough to do that i'm like you'd be surprised yeah true yeah i've been doing this from a young age yeah it does working construction does kind of throw you off for the rest of the job market like i saw my dad or not my it wasn't my dad it was someone it was like one of my uncles like actually i didn't see this i was there they had a guard dog and uh the dog tried to bite me and wasn't my dad.
It was someone, it was like one of my uncles, like, actually I didn't see this.

I was there, they had a guard dog and the dog tried to bite me and a couple other customers.

It was like a big trash yard.

Oh shit.

And I came in like, you know, you go to work, like I'd go to work with my dad, like, you

know, another Saturday, like months later, we'll pop up and I get to go.

And I was like, where's the dog?

And he's like, he shot it.

He like shot the dog.

He just killed it.

Yeah.

You tell people that and they're kind of like, that's fucked.

You were like, that's how we did all caps emails in my, where I come from, baby. My uncle shot the dog.
Just like took it in the back and was like. Damn, dude.
You were like, that's fucked up. I'm like, it was trying to bite.
Don't try to bite me. I was a child.
But also working in those types of settings where like I'm just me and a bunch of Mexican dudes. I think

if

I hadn't heard this

I'm just me and a bunch of Mexican dudes. I think if I hadn't heard this, I maybe would have just been stuck there and never taken advantage of the fact that I was, like, born in the States and, like, had an education.
But I was working at a body shop, and this dude one time, I was maybe, like, 20, and one of the dudes told me in Spanish, he's just like,, hey man, you don't have papers? I was like, nah, yeah, I was born here. And he was just like, oh, he's like, well, you didn't finish school? I said, yeah, I finished school.
I have a diploma. I was like, I even got a semester of community college, you know? He's like, oh.
He's like, and why do you work here? Yeah. And I was just like, oh, shit.
Like, this dude is just trying to tell me something here like you know because i think that that guy had uh kids around my age and i remember going to one of theirs uh like graduation party and he was also telling me about that he's just like you know like you could do more stuff yeah like you know english you're educated like fucking do stuff get the fuck out of here yeah yeah that's all that's how my dad always was too he was like don't because you get when you're younger you get hooked to the money of like kind of like construction or like auto body because you do get paid more than you would anywhere else as a young kid that that i always have people like don't get hooked to the money man just like eventually your body gets all fucked up i think i feel like i would get hooked to the hang the hang, dude. The hang is so good.
I just liked working in places where I got along with the people. The hang is too good.
And there's also, dude, you just meet characters too. There's not a lot of, in an office, there's not a lot of characters in an office where you're like, damn, this is the funniest dude I've ever met.
It's like when you're on a construction site or an auto body shop. I know so many.
Yeah funny. Yeah they're hilarious.
Yeah if you're the funny guy in an office you must be like pretty funny but work somewhere where like you can get dirty and like really fuck around you know. It's unbelievable.
Hold like a old piece of like pipe and act like it's your dick. You know what I mean? You can't do that in an office.
Or like I'd see people fist fight in like a construction job. Boss would be like knock it the the fuck off and you two shake hands and it was just like you're right back to work this is gonna sound like a little weird but hanging out with like these racist country dudes at the construction job I had and I only had this job for about maybe six months and these guys would say some pretty racist shit yeah but never to me or like my Mexicans that I worked with um like it was weird being around people who were like racist but still like respectful and at first I'm like what was their fucking problem I don't want to work with these, man, fuck them.
Like, I'm not going to be at this. But it was funny.
Yeah. Like, not that the racism was funny, but these were funny dudes.
One of them had like this boom Howard thing when he'd get mad. Now there was these three brothers and I can't remember which one was which, which might be racist to me because one was Joe, one was John, and the other one was like Jim.
Iim i swear to god and i can't remember which one this one was but he cussed the most and he'd get mad because we got to a job site one day where they were supposed to be digging looking for like a some line and they couldn't find it and it was just like the hole should have been like a few feet over to their side so we had to start digging there and we were working under joe that day and i just remember him being mad he's like man i get tired of this old chicken shit bullshit god damn fucking bullshit god damn man it's like oh shit joe's mad bro he's doing a thing another guy there a young dude he might have been around my age maybe a younger dude named shannon and the other dudes would get mad at him because he's like lazy but that guy was hilarious he was just we were working at a at like a fucking like a like a steel some some place where they have those big metal ovens like metal like a foundry where you're like i don't even know if that's what it's called but you like melt the steel down yeah they're doing shit like that right so we'd go eat lunch outside and there's all these people there and they were really strict there they're like don't fuck around in front of the people who work there and all this shit like and this dude shannon would just walk by everybody with his ass out it's just like hard hat glasses and he's just like he just pulled his pants down and cover his dick with his hands like we're just like what the fuck and uh joe's brother was this dude uh i think it was john and i might be confusing him it might have been the other way around but john and joe uh he didn't cuss at all like he he would like try his best not to cuss but it's just funny hearing him get mad at shannon because he's like what the crud what did you put your butt back in your pants like what the fuck like i don't know i always felt like there was a delicate ecosystem of like racism on construction sites where like everyone would kind of fuck with each other but then if like somebody kind of crossed the line or was being like malicious it would be like dude fucking get out of here because i would get cornered so i would i was in the laborers union for a little bit and in philly it's mostly so the whole like paint the whole picture my dad and his brothers did demolition then or they did trash, and they started a demolition company. So in order to work for my dad, once, like, the union started bothering him, I had to join the union so I could work for my dad.
So I was in the laborer's union, but it was mostly, like, me and other black, like, all black guys doing that. But there was, like, everyone would fuck with each other.
Like, the white guys would say shit about this and that. But I would get, like, there would be another white be another white laborer and he would like corner me.
I guess he didn't know like I was just working for my dad. And he would like take me aside and just be like, bro, these motherfuckers are animals.
And he would go in like, he would go in like hard. And I'd be like, dude, fucking okay.
Now, I remember the day I realized I was working with like, like some real racist dude. Because at first I'm like, ah, it can't all be like that.
Right. You know, maybe like just these couple guys here.
I'm just like, ah, fuck those guys. I don't want to be around them.
Somebody who was like a higher, well, I mean, everybody was higher up than me in there, but somebody who had like real, I guess like a real position, somebody who would bring us material, be in charge of job sites. I don't want to say his name, but this is a nice older guy.
He might even be retired by now or he dead. I don't know.
Yeah. But he was cool with me.
Like, man, it'd be like fucking 100 degrees out there. And sometimes he'd be like, hey, he's like, come on, let's go to Home Depot.
And out of everybody on the job site, I got to fucking take a break in the AC, just go help carry shit he's an old man you know like just help them carry shit and then uh one day there was like this big lunch with like everybody from the company uh where i just met up because there's like some restaurant they'd like to go to yeah and uh we're working pretty close to it and we all met up there and i heard him say like some real racist shit and i, and I remember just thinking, like, oh, man, like, I thought you were different. Yeah.
But, yeah, after that. It was really bad? Yeah, it was pretty bad.
I don't want to repeat it. Yeah, that was the thing.
There was, like, people would, it was the same thing. Like, people would joke with each other, and I'm like, oh, this is funny.
And then you'd get a guy who would corner you, and you'd be like, oh, you want to, like, kill these guys. I'm like, dude, you got to chill.
Yeah. That was also a fun thing I would do when someone would get, like, very, like, get like very like corner me like i can't believe we're working with these fucking animals i'd be like dude we should fucking kill them they'd be like whoa hold on man i'll do this go way higher you're like i do it to everyone politically when they're like trump they spaz on trump i'm like we should kill this whole fucking family no i don't want to do all that i'm like all right leave me the fuck out of this nah i heard them i heard them say just one too many remarks one day.
So I was just like, ah, I probably don't want to work here no more. He's probably feeling you out.
He wanted to know if he can make like a proper racist out of you. I left and I think they might have thought that like I would say something because I put in a two weeks notice and they offered me a raise, like a really good raise.
Really? They're like, ah, come on. He was grooming you, dude.
But I sucked at that job. He was grooming you to say the N-word.
But what's fucked up is that they would say shit about Mexicans too here and there. Oh, really? Yeah.
And that's why I was just like, bro, this is too much. Like, this is how you guys are going to work up here.
Like, fuck this, bro. And he wouldn't even look at you and be like, excuse me? Was he trying to like joke or was he just trying to like? That guy, I never heard him say nothing about Mexicans, but a couple of other guys, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. But- And it was fucked up because the things they said were always worse towards black people.
Yeah. And that's why I've been in rooms where maybe Mexicans and black people are like, who's had it worse? And I'm always like, bro, stop.
way worse stop don't do this like i i every group does that though i'm my family's all irish and it's like bro we got oppressed by the english for 800 fucking years which is true but yeah it's yeah they kind of take the crown i give them the crown but yeah when i took off they i feel like maybe that's why they tried to do that where they're're just like, hey, more money. Yeah, yeah.
If you shut up. And I was like, I just don't want nothing to do with you guys.
Yeah, although I have seen some of the most vicious racism I've seen has been American black people versus African workers on the job sites. That's a serious beef.
Yeah? Oh, my God, dude. American black people and Africans are like, you think they'd be buddies, but they're, they're

like, I feel like that's like when I'm like an American white guy. If I see like a British person, I'm like, the fuck is your deal? I think American black people see African people.
I think that's how like Mexicans from Mexico see like Hispanics. Exactly.
Yeah, exactly. We'll never be Mexican to them.
Exactly. They're kind of like, yeah, you're from some weird ass country.
We're the real deal. Dude, me and my buddy Hyman, we would change the radio when we were kids.
There's a lot of Mexican love songs playing. We'd change the radio to just whatever.
You know what I mean? Just some pop, some hip-hop, whatever. And no matter what we put around, the other Mexican dudes would be like, ah, you faggots.
Son hotos. Son hotos.
It's like, what? Just because you want to listen to some pops? Yeah, just because I want to change the music like now we're gay. They would get mean, bro.
I do respect the machismo. I think I could say pound for pound, Mexican dudes have the highest machismo, and I'm kind of for it.
I think it's kind of sick. Man, but it sucks when you're the one getting like that.
Yeah, it's tough. It's oppressive.
I've worked, they were always my favorite, if I had to pick a group of people in a workplace, and I'm not just saying this because you're here, I think Mexican people were like my go-to. The hang is so nice.
Bro, just babes on phones, like, yo, check out this babe. I'm like, yeah, babe's nice.
Check out this babe. And just fucking around the whole time.
know they could get nasty they made me into a mean bastard sometimes when I was a kid if I'd be at a family party and I'd be like oh man it's cold my uncles my grandparents would be like eres mujer you're a woman don't. Like, don't be a woman.
I was like, God damn, bro. I am cold, though.
It's like we're outside, bro. It's fucking, I see my breath, you know? Like, you're not supposed to acknowledge it.
It's crazy. Yeah, they're fucking nuts, bro.
But now I kind of do that, too, where, like, you know, I travel with my buddies who do stand up with me or whatever. And I'll hear one of them complain about something i'm just like you fucking woman you little bitch yeah it is tight though i do uh i don't know it just makes me laugh it makes me my buddy's like bro my dad just got cancer i'm like ah he's being a woman shut the fuck up what are you gay yeah i uh well shit man i think we're at yeah we're at an hour and 38 brother i uh i don't hold you up here all day where can people catch you do you have anything you want to plug or you just man i got tour dates um i just don't remember where but for sure follow me on instagram at ralph barbosa 03 or check out my website for tour dates at BarbosaComedy.com.

I think I'm pretty funny, so give me some money.

Very funny, bro.

Dude, I love your shit.

I watch a lot of your clips online.

I appreciate it, bro.

Thank you so much.

So thanks for doing this, dude.

You're the man.

Thanks for having me, man.

All right, brother.

Later, man.

Later.

Later.