Ep 518 - Daddy's Home (feat. Steve Gerben & Chris O'Connor)

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, Wes.

Speaker 1 Kirby's? Yeah. The OCon man? Yeah, it's good to be back.
Matt's out of town. Although I'm out of town, but Matt's, I think Matt's on, I think he's in Turks and Caicos.
Really? Yes. But

Speaker 1 in bigger news,

Speaker 1 the return of the Gruel.

Speaker 1 The return of the Gruel King. He's back.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What the fuck? What took so long? Well, what do you mean with that? I asked you 9,000 times. No, you didn't.
No, no, no. But first of all, I retired twice.
I did retire twice.

Speaker 1 What do you mean you're retired from the podcast? Yeah. You officially?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because Matt's got gruel in the rafters.

Speaker 1 You can't retire. I did.
If you're allowed to. You're allowed to?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hiatus. I did the first time.
Matt titled it Girby Swan Song, I think. And then when you were doing it again, I was like, I got nothing.
I don't know. You know, what am I going to say?

Speaker 1 That's how it works. You got nothing.

Speaker 1 We thought we had nothing and then in the car girby's accidentally spilled the beans a little what he was telling me he was at wawa and he was talking to amy from the show about how he wanted to wear these nice patterned pants

Speaker 1 and he was like all right here i'll let you tell us misrepresenting the story

Speaker 1 i i got if i'm not allowed to address the okay yeah yeah

Speaker 1 well no i won't do okay i'll tell you but what

Speaker 1 correct address

Speaker 1 out of retirement

Speaker 1 back talking to the camera. What a showman.
Well, no, because

Speaker 1 so I had ordered a sweater off of eBay

Speaker 1 because I it was like a lacoste sweater. It looks awesome.
I haven't worn it around Shady because I don't know what he's going to be there. Yeah.
You know?

Speaker 1 And then she was saying you should wear it with like patterned pants. Do were you there for that? I was like, are you on the other side of the room for this? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I thought it was for golf. No, I thought you were going to go golfing in it.
No. With your

Speaker 1 just wearing it. It's just casual.

Speaker 1 Patterned pants. What type of pattern? No, I didn't even want pat.
That's what I'm saying. I didn't want patterned pants.
Oh, it was being thrust in pants.

Speaker 1 And she couldn't comprehend the death sentence out of me.

Speaker 1 All right. And before they think I'm an asshole, it's like, that's good.
You need the checks and balances, which you acknowledge because without me,

Speaker 1 this is what started the conversation. He said, without me, he'd be a jewelry man.
Yes. He'd be wearing rings.

Speaker 1 No. And then he admitted he would be wearing bracelets.
Car ride home.

Speaker 1 He spills the beans about what type of bracelets and he's thinking Johnny Depp style. He's talking tons of like leather bracelets, which insane.
And then he also spilled because

Speaker 1 we're in the car and I'm playing music and I realize Steve.

Speaker 1 There's not one song I could play that. And then I realized Steve must not like music.
And he was like,

Speaker 1 I'm not much of a music guy. No, you can try.

Speaker 1 I have tried. I've gone, tried to go through a fan.
I've tried to be like, What do you listen to? I do the same thing. I can't get this guy in college, and he was really like fish and disco biscuits.

Speaker 1 And I like tried to go to a jam bank.

Speaker 1 That sucks.

Speaker 1 It wasn't my scene. No, that sucks.
It's like a lot of that dancing, like this. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But then I realized the only song I know he likes is Pirates of the Caribbean theme song. Yeah.
And he wants to wear Johnny Depp bracelets. He wants to be Johnny Depp.

Speaker 1 So then it gets worse because I'm like, you just want to dress like Johnny Depp. He's like, well, no, I don't.
Second later, he goes,

Speaker 1 I did try the bandana wrist, but died a bandana. I didn't go out with it.
I just put it on just to see what it was. This was a fancy years ago.
This was walking around the house.

Speaker 1 You tried to wear a bandana bracelet. Exactly.
But

Speaker 1 the thing about

Speaker 1 this insane choice.

Speaker 1 I feel like I'm not that far off from a bandana. Well, first of all,

Speaker 1 recently I've almost decided to just listen exclusively to movie music, like theme song music. And yeah, I understand.
Rap takes a toll on you.

Speaker 1 You drive around and literally talk about jizzing in your girlfriend's face all day.

Speaker 1 It's as close as I can get to actually listening to classical music is just listening to Thomas Newman songs, you know, Shawshank's Redemption soundtrack. Well, listen.

Speaker 1 And I do think about jewelry every once in a while, but it's so not for me.

Speaker 1 I've never put it on.

Speaker 1 I want to go back. I do agree with the first statement that it's important to have a Shane in your life and for friends to...
You don't want to. Yeah.
You know.

Speaker 1 If you were out here in Westchester all by yourself, if we weren't doing tires, you'd be wearing a bandana bracelet. At this age, no, I don't think so.

Speaker 1 You'd be out of control.

Speaker 1 Yeah, without

Speaker 1 the thing the fame in stardom has gone to your head no how's it going

Speaker 1 what do i have on my wrist

Speaker 1 you know that i had that that's 20 years old how dare you

Speaker 1 all all i'm suggesting is it is true i remember i think like

Speaker 1 at least the time that stands out in my mind was I had made a video, I put it on YouTube, and then Shane was like, you wore that shirt because you think your bicep looks good in that shirt.

Speaker 1 And I was like, no, but yes.

Speaker 1 no, it wasn't necessarily the shirt. It was the way you were.
So he was.

Speaker 1 He was doing sick fuck. I don't want to go back.
Hold on. It's really great.
He was doing like a handyman

Speaker 1 YouTube channel. And then one of the shots was him laying on the bed.

Speaker 1 He was leaning on the bed, flexing as hard as he likes. No, that wasn't the shot.
I was sitting on the ship. He was shaking, flexing.

Speaker 1 I was sitting on the edge of the bed. It wasn't a whole thing.

Speaker 1 It was a very funny show, though. It was good.
Don't try and throw me off Kilder with a camera.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 was it?

Speaker 1 I think everything you do is good.

Speaker 1 I really want my dad in his retirement to start a handyman YouTube channel. Well, it was like joking.
You're like, I couldn't do it.

Speaker 1 God damn it.

Speaker 1 Just leaving the camera rolling, beating off in the room.

Speaker 1 It's a seven and a half hour video.

Speaker 1 He jacks off twice.

Speaker 1 God damn it. Jizzes on himself.
Fuck.

Speaker 1 Just live streaming. Live streaming.
Dad jacked off.

Speaker 1 He's trying to build a birdhouse. Just keeps jacking off behind the shed.

Speaker 1 He's a goddamn Phillips.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 Patsy,

Speaker 1 if you're going to tell me you don't want to wear a ring occasionally. I don't want to wear a ring.
It's never rings. It's never rings.
It's like I do, I think like a necklace for some.

Speaker 1 Necklaces cross my mind.

Speaker 1 No wonder you can't do that on me so hard.

Speaker 1 You ever wear a fucking necklace? I'll be dead. I'm not wearing V-necks.
What? You would wear like a V-neck and have like a, yeah, you'd be weird. You'd be weird.

Speaker 1 Neither of us, neither of us have the body type for a chain.

Speaker 1 You don't have all the shoulders. No, no, no.
I have a hunched over neck. Half the chain would be laying flat on the back of my fucking neck.
It'd be bad. It is funny.

Speaker 1 Without shoulders and wearing a bunch of stuff on your wrists.

Speaker 1 I know. I didn't want to bring up the shoulders, but the shoulders with the fucking giant depth seems

Speaker 1 nuts looking.

Speaker 1 Chaos.

Speaker 1 It wouldn't be cool. It'd be like if you wore a bracelet like that, I would think something happened to your wrists.

Speaker 1 If you got super tan and shaved your head, you'd look like a

Speaker 1 street fighter guy. I tried that.

Speaker 1 Shaving the head. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No,

Speaker 1 I have like an old Saint Christopher medallion that my mom gave me when I was a kid, and I want to make a necklace out of it.

Speaker 1 Every once in a while, I think I will never, but I do think it's a good thing. You wear like a nice thin necklace.
I know, but it's like it's a whole new guy. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I know, I'm not that guy. Yeah.
And the thin necklace also on me looks crazy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've gone swimming wearing a necklace. I look insane.
Yeah. It's not good.
I always think of really insecure dudes when I think of the chain with a

Speaker 1 medallion. It sounds like we're the ones that are the actual insecure ones.
I know, I know, but I get to put it on. Like, who do I think I am? I've never wear a fucking necklace.
No one would care.

Speaker 1 It'd be a good one. I never wore a watch in my life till I got this.
Now

Speaker 1 I see what that's about. I feel like I have a photo that I, it's like a break in case of an emergency if I ever need to make something up to you.

Speaker 1 What photo? Would I shave my head? Let me see it. No, absolutely not.
Please. Absolutely not.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 I looked and say, but the plan was, I was going to like, you know, this was like Facebook time era. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I was going to like say, put this post that's like, I'm done trying to fight the hair loss. Like, you know,

Speaker 1 and it was wearing a shirt that said, real women suck dick. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 That's a joke.

Speaker 1 And so I had that photo. And

Speaker 1 that's what I'm saying. Like, if I ever, I'll show it to you.
Yeah. But my hair, so just to because who gave you a shirt that said Real Women suck? I bought it offline.

Speaker 1 So such a pervert. No, no, it was a joke.
It was a joke.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 my hairline is like so thick right up front. Yeah.
And then it's thin. Yeah.
So when I shaved it, I would get like a five o'clock shadow like here. You get a little Ronaldo.
Yeah. Is that what it is?

Speaker 1 Well, no, that's just a soccer player that did that. Oh, I, yeah, look, doesn't work for me.
I thought I could do it. I've been on this podcast bragging for years.

Speaker 1 I'll go, I'll just go bald like a man. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You start staring it down. Yeah.
You go, oh, this is not going to be good. I thought I'd get jacked or something if I was going bald.
I thought you could be bald and fucking fat.

Speaker 1 There is no point in making money

Speaker 1 at your hair back. What? I got a haircut the other day, and the lady

Speaker 1 showed me my hair from the back.

Speaker 1 Not good. I'm getting hair.
I was like, good for you. Are you? I'm not going to bring it.
I'm not, I'm going to just stop it where it's at. That's fine.
I'm not going to get like a hairline.

Speaker 1 No, go all the way back.

Speaker 1 Bald? No, no, no. I'm just saying.
Don't fill it all the way out. No.
Get a lush. I don't like when people do that.
I don't like when people have fake hair and an old face.

Speaker 1 Like a wrinkled face with a hairline. It's crazy.

Speaker 1 No. But it looks so good.
No, it doesn't. Yeah, the pros.
Are you going to go to Turkey or whatever?

Speaker 1 Fuck no, I'm not. No matter what, I'm not going to Turkey.
Yeah, terrible idea.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Crazy. You were doing it in a selling guy.
You were doing it in a seller. Would you go to Turkey? You don't leave fucking

Speaker 1 hair. Of course, I wouldn't go to Turkey.
No, you've did like so many. There's stuff around here.
I heard the best guys are overseas, but how could that be? I think it's just the cheapest. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 I would, yeah. I would want, yeah.
I had to, yeah, I don't know. I'm not, I probably won't ever do it out of laziness.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 it's never too late, right? Yeah, it is.

Speaker 1 You can't go bald and then get hair all of a sudden. You can't, I mean, you can, but it's crazy.
It's tough.

Speaker 1 It's wild to not have hair.

Speaker 1 I think that's what you should do. Just be

Speaker 1 ostentatious about it. Let it go.

Speaker 1 To my eyebrows.

Speaker 1 It'd be like if Louis got hair. Yeah.
It'd be fucked up. It'd be sick, dude.
I don't know. His fake hair creaks me out a little.
Louie came back with a full head of a full head of red hair.

Speaker 1 That'd be awesome.

Speaker 1 He's back. He's, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, Gerby's, it's amazing to have you come out of retirement like that. No, thanks.
Thanks for having me on. What have you been out sexually? What have you been up to?

Speaker 1 Don't. I know I bring you on here.
I need to know about your sex life. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, it's exactly what you would imagine.

Speaker 1 Same old tricks. Same old tricks, perhaps a few.
Oh,

Speaker 1 but no, but I can't, but you weren't even table reason.

Speaker 1 The only new thing that I, you know, what? Discovered? What did you discover? Just that different women have different sensitivities on.

Speaker 1 Oh, in the scripts, you included this. It's real.
That's real. How did you find that out? Research or through open communication in the bedroom.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So what did you discover through open communication in the bedroom?

Speaker 1 That different...

Speaker 1 well, I mean, are we so well we'll just write something else, but different sides of the we can yeah, that's fine. Clitoris are

Speaker 1 sensitive for different women.

Speaker 1 So some ladies are like, I'm a lefty. Yeah.

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by Zip Recruiter. Matt, I'm constantly looking for car keys, phone, chapstick, glasses.
Headphones. There you go.
And I lose them all the time.

Speaker 1 That's why I use wired headphones now. Ooh.

Speaker 1 What's the longest time you spent looking for something? I usually give up pretty quick. Yeah, true.
Someone I have a hard time shopping for. I have a tough time finding Le Maire gifts.
Really?

Speaker 1 And I like to spoil them.

Speaker 1 It'd be nice if we had a superpower that helped us find exactly what we need at the right moment. Luckily for my hiring managers out there, you've at least got the next best thing, ZipRecruiter.

Speaker 1 Try it for free at ziprecruiter.com slash MSSP. Want to know right away how many qualified candidates are in your area? I would love that.
Look no further than ZipRecruiter.

Speaker 1 Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Wow.

Speaker 1 And right now, you can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com slash MSSP. Again, that's ziprecruiter.com slash MSSP.
ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire.

Speaker 1 I didn't know this. Yeah.
And now I'm thinking about my own dick and whether it's lefty or righty.

Speaker 1 Mine seems like a middle. Yeah, I'm a middle.
Yeah, just an old guy. Mine's a middle guy.

Speaker 1 It's pretty sensitive in general. Equal spread.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, good.
We got that out of the way. You still talking dirty? Do you have anything you want to share about that? I don't want to share, but I did still talk.
I don't understand.

Speaker 1 How do you like living in Westchester? I love it. Yeah, this is very nice.
It's incredible. It's so nice.
It's actually a little too nice.

Speaker 1 Fucked up. I know.

Speaker 1 I know. It's

Speaker 1 cozy. It's fucking Austin.
I know.

Speaker 1 It's hot. I don't know.
It's hot. Okay.
There's no tree. This is, there's nothing.
This is, doesn't exist there. Interesting.
Yeah. You see rocks and dirty trees.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You don't realize how much of this is like a part of you until you like leave it. Yeah.
Okay. You know? I'm a Northeast guy.
You are a Pennsylvania guy. Obviously, I'm a Pennsylvania man.

Speaker 1 I don't know. This is like when I went to Spain thinking I'd be Hemingway.
Yeah. I went to Texas and immediately was like, nope.

Speaker 1 I like it here, but this is not for me. I don't belong here.
Could you imagine being someone who actually traveled by like horse and wagon down to Texas?

Speaker 1 And I go, fuck, I brought all my friends.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 And then that's probably why they just kept going. Yeah.
She's like, no, it's got to get better. It's got to be the people that got stuck.
They get mauled by Indians.

Speaker 1 Dumbasses that got stuck in the Midwest. They probably got there in like the spring or the summer.
Yeah. They're probably like, this is great.

Speaker 1 Fucking 12 feet of snow three weeks later.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. But no, I've, I've, it's, it's, obviously, it's great too.
Driving on the roads, driving

Speaker 1 chilly, like, just lush.

Speaker 1 I'm ready to get the fuck out of Philly, though, already. Yeah.
Yeah. I'm excited to get here.

Speaker 1 Philly did take.

Speaker 1 Philly did take the hit. What's that? Of COVID-wise.
Yeah. Philly got it.
Everything's closed. Yeah.
And scary. And it is scary.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I tried to like take some people to coffee shops that I always used to go to. I went to like four different ones.
I just kept walking around the city because they were all closed.

Speaker 1 They'd all just been shut up. I'm sad about Bards and

Speaker 1 Irish Pup. Yeah, those are staples.
Need Bards.

Speaker 1 Yeah, back. That's where you used to get after it.

Speaker 1 I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So we would hang out after. You used to be a party animal.
Not a party animal, but, you know, you'd have it.

Speaker 1 I remember one time we got a bill at Bards, and

Speaker 1 it was Kent and Doogie and myself, and they called me fancy pants. Like on the that's totally on the fancy pants, and they lay on the streets.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I always just tuck in my shirt and sometimes wear a tie doing stand-up. You would have absolutely hated me.
I've seen it, I've seen pictures, and yeah, yeah, brutal, embarrassing.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I wore a blazer once doing open mic.

Speaker 1 I haven't forgotten that. That was a decade ago.
Yeah, it keeps me on the bottom. What were you trying to do? Just change it up.
Blazer? I wore one of my dad's blazers.

Speaker 1 I wore blazer and jeans on stage at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone. Probably talked about,

Speaker 1 probably was racist as fuck.

Speaker 1 Then got blacked out and went home.

Speaker 1 Not much has changed other than the Blazer. Yeah, you're asking me.
It's kind of my, it's still my night. When did you guys first meet?

Speaker 1 2012 or 13. Was it just at Helium? Yeah.
Interesting. Yeah, it would have been Helium and

Speaker 1 Medusa.

Speaker 1 It was at

Speaker 1 Helium. You came up to me and you said, that was good.
Nice. Wow.

Speaker 1 I'm just a nice guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You didn't look at that anymore.

Speaker 1 You smashed.

Speaker 1 I had heard that you won the Baltimore thing. Yeah, the Magoo.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And you smashed, and I was like, holy shit.

Speaker 1 And I was too nervous to say anything. I assumed you'd be like, fuck you, fucking.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you knew that.

Speaker 1 You knew the real

Speaker 1 you knew you knew deep down but instead you came up and you were like that was really good yeah i knew you were a good guy you were wearing like a north face

Speaker 1 that guy knows business he's just got it together i'm not hanging out with the rest i mean you were the best option everyone else there was visibly retarded the open mic scene was insane yeah it was crazy you guys had a nice you guys were before us yeah yeah that was like it you guys had some good guys yeah for sure that was mckeever and pope yeah And D.

Speaker 1 That's right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I remember seeing Kevin Ryan, Fat House, Kevin Ryan, Foley. Sure.
All those guys. All those guys.
And then there were some crazy boys on the who's that one dude.

Speaker 1 Kind of looked like Dave Chappelle.

Speaker 1 He went nuts later. He came back and like threatened to shoot up.
Oh, nice. Short up Raven or something.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Even if I know the name, I'm not saying it's not.

Speaker 1 Well, other than that, we're just all working on tires. Well, you guys are, I stop in.
I say, how's it going? You are.

Speaker 1 Has Steve tried to get you into golf yet? No,

Speaker 1 I've been in Philly. Oh, yeah, true.
When I'm out here, I'll give it a shot. Okay.

Speaker 1 I don't think I'll be available.

Speaker 1 I don't think there's going to be a day off. I know.
It's crazy. It's going to suck.
It's crazy.

Speaker 1 Well, what else we got? Yeah, I'm racking my brain trying to think of a story.

Speaker 1 You don't have to. Oh, you wrote something down? Well, I think from a long time ago, I'm trying to, but I think

Speaker 1 I didn't see anything. I was looking through it earlier.
That's all right. Put my glasses.
We'll think of something. Get your spectacles back on.

Speaker 1 One thing I have enjoyed. Oh, yeah.
Oh, what's that? What have you enjoyed? I've enjoyed just like, there's a particular type of

Speaker 1 trash person around here that I feel safe around. I agree.
You know, it's like I recognize the.

Speaker 1 The homeless here.

Speaker 1 Ah, they're pretty bad. They're pretty wild.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was going to say they're better than the Austin.

Speaker 1 Oh, here, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, here's great. Here's the woods.
We're in the woods. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Perfect.

Speaker 1 Where a white man should be.

Speaker 1 Out in the woods. Safe.
Talking about

Speaker 1 clits with his friends.

Speaker 1 No, I was going to say on,

Speaker 1 I actually had a wild-ass week. On Monday, Monday, I went to the Monday night football game.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Chris was with me. The Kiss Man joined me to watch the birds.
Crazy. Yeah.
Watch the birds suffer a terrible loss. But they look good.
No, they didn't.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they did. The Falcons suck.
That was bad. Well,

Speaker 1 they, yeah, whatever. They win that game nine out of ten times.
Yeah. And A.J.
Brown coming back would have helped there.

Speaker 1 Regardless, I thought, you know, it's like we got the table read the next day.

Speaker 1 You got to take it easy.

Speaker 1 And then we're leaving and they're like, do you want to meet Jason Kelsey? I was like, yes.

Speaker 1 We're talking to him. I'm like, why don't you come down down to the bar? I always go to.
He was like, Yes.

Speaker 1 Now he was pretty sober because he was working. I was hammered.
And then we get to the bar and it's like, Let's chug beers who can chug faster. And I lost.
So then, obviously, I was like, Rematch.

Speaker 1 Lost again, worse. I got obliterated.
Wow. It was a bad easy dude.
He throws them back. He can throw him back.
Yeah. And you were, yeah, I was close.

Speaker 1 I was right there. I'll get him next time.

Speaker 1 How long did you guys hang out there?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 After the first chug, I was kaput.

Speaker 1 Have you talked about the other Bard story or Bonner story? Which one? Oh, no. We don't need to bring that one up.

Speaker 1 Definitely not bringing that up. That's not good.

Speaker 1 So that was my Monday. Tuesday, we did the table read, and I wasn't,

Speaker 1 I wasn't that bad. No.
Not at all. I think that was entirely,

Speaker 1 I would never have known that you were hungover. And this is what I said to Chris.
I was like, he was perfectly pleasant. And Chris was like, that's the problem.
He's low battery.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's not nice everywhere.

Speaker 1 But then I was like, all right, we got to slow down this week. Then the kneecap boys came to Philly.

Speaker 1 I had to meet up with them. Half to go.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That became a night.

Speaker 1 I was away. I was like, free Palestine.

Speaker 1 That was a crazy night, dude.

Speaker 1 Irish fucking balaclava on like free, free, palestine.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so it was good. And, you know, things like that.
What are those guys like? Are they kind of three of the same guy?

Speaker 1 Yeah. They're awesome.
They were exactly who you would hope they'd be. They were just fun.
What do they have to say about Philly? Were they?

Speaker 1 That's where, all right. So I'm Mr.
Fucking out the eye already. Well, the second somebody, any foreigner is like, fucking, America, you guys fucking out of your minds, fat, the food's terrible.

Speaker 1 You guys, why don't you shoot up a fucking school? Yeah. I was like,

Speaker 1 how don't you guys do anything ever? Your country's a dump. Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 I'll miss your fucking Ireland. Yeah, you realize you're an American the second.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Ireland is an American colony. Fucking right.
That's right. Don't tell BCAP.
Don't tell them. Don't bring that shit up.
They're our colony. No, no, no, no.
We send them.

Speaker 1 We send them goods and travel. Don't bring that up.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 They've already got one oppressor.

Speaker 1 We got to get England. No, we don't oppress.
We support. We need England out of there.
Yeah. Out of the north? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did they? We probably support them.

Speaker 1 I don't. Honestly, I'm going to show my ass here.
I don't really know what's going on. None of us do.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm just going to pick a side. Yeah.
Be obnoxious.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I literally watched that movie Hunger or whatever and was just like this fucking British.

Speaker 1 No, if you, if you, that's another one of you. He's oppressing me.
If you actually look into it, it's yes.

Speaker 1 The British are awful over there. Yeah.
And if you look into other conflicts throughout the globe,

Speaker 1 the British. Not the British, but just

Speaker 1 you look into it, the people saying they're being oppressed. Sometimes they're actually being really, really oppressed.
Yeah. By people of your heritage.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 let's get away from this. Let's get back to Steve and his clittorous talk.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, it is funny you showing up to the writers' room because it is like when you're not there,

Speaker 1 I'm very much like the cat's away.

Speaker 1 Muscle play, like I heard you very much adopts your

Speaker 1 tries out all your moves

Speaker 1 on the rest of the writing staff. How do they like it? They're probably off work.

Speaker 1 You get bodied. They've never seen it.
What are you doing over there?

Speaker 1 Nothing major, but just, you know, like cutting people off.

Speaker 1 Shut up.

Speaker 1 It's fun. It's so much fun.

Speaker 1 It's fun. Why don't you try to give us a better idea? Stuff like that.
That's good. I show up once a week and I go, are we done?

Speaker 1 Finish it.

Speaker 1 I walked into somebody's office that works there and they were like, you're not allowed in here. And I was like, it's funny you bring that up because you're fired.

Speaker 1 That's why I'm here.

Speaker 1 Pack up your shit.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Power.
I'm not handling the power. You think you'll fire one person throughout? I'll probably never fire anyone.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's got to be fun to fire somebody. No, it doesn't.
What? No, I mean, yeah, I don't know. We could send this monster in there to fire somebody.
Yeah, you would, yeah. He nodded at you.

Speaker 1 No, I'd buckle.

Speaker 1 I'd fantasize. It's like the bracelet or the necklace.
I'd fantasize about it.

Speaker 1 In what way?

Speaker 1 Just, I don't, getting in there and actually doing it would be terrible, but like, I don't know. What does the fantasy look like? Just to have someone do that.

Speaker 1 You're not allowed in here and be like, fuck you. You're gone.
Self-righteousness. Yes.
Well, yes. They were obviously joking.

Speaker 1 If they were serious i would have actually fired them i would have done everything i could i don't think i have the authority to just fire anybody but

Speaker 1 uh

Speaker 1 so how do you like that na beer right there i do like it i'm on the side here yes can i get a sip of that yeah you had one of these i think

Speaker 1 just spitting it

Speaker 1 yeah just it's good I feel like one day you're going to break and enjoy the NAS. Those aren't bad.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Those taste like Heineken's. Yeah.
Oprah. We were talking about Oprah.
There we go. Now we get some topics.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean,

Speaker 1 you want to follow her on this? She looks great. No.
Is Oprah hot? Yes. They're doctoring the photos.

Speaker 1 Probably. Airbrushing the shit out of them.
There's no way. There's no way when she gets up in the morning, she's looking good.
It just can't be.

Speaker 1 How old is Oprah? What?

Speaker 1 Do you think she is? No, you are right. But, you know, I bet it's all.
she's looking good.

Speaker 1 I don't see it too much.

Speaker 1 There's a good picture. Yeah.

Speaker 1 How old is she? You know what's weird? I don't know anything about Oprah.

Speaker 1 I don't either. I know that she did.
Gail's her best friend. She dated Stedman for a while.
But Gail, who's best friend? Oprah's 70. She looks incredible.
That's what I was saying. Holy shit.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But so does Dolly Parton. It's got to be the same.
Dolly Parton. Dolly Parton is like, as an age.
By the way, this is the funniest podcast to just be like, Oprah Winfrey.

Speaker 1 I don't think any of us know anything about her.

Speaker 1 All three of us are like, I don't know anything. I don't know anything.
I don't know a single thing about Oprah, what she's done, her life,

Speaker 1 other than she has that show. I don't even know what makes her popular.

Speaker 1 Like, I don't understand how she's any bigger than the people on the view.

Speaker 1 Like, what does she do? Well, she interviews people. She put together a show.
She hit Oprah. I'm not listening to any of that.
I mean, I'm not listening. Did you never watch Oprah growing up? No.

Speaker 1 No, I watched like Sally.

Speaker 1 I watched Sally. You guys are watching those? Yeah.
You just, Sally, Jerry Springer. Yeah.
Yeah, Sally. Donahue.
Springer is different. Springer.
That's not like. Yeah.
Springer's its own thing.

Speaker 1 He was in the same rock block, though. Damn.
Winfrey Rules. She was born into poverty in rural Mississippi to a single teenage mother.
Whoa. Nice.
Yes.

Speaker 1 She stated that she was molested during her childhood and she became pregnant at 14. What? Oh my goodness.

Speaker 1 Her son was born prematurely and died in infancy.

Speaker 1 This could all be like this. That's how little I know about her.
This could all be. This is like Lord of the Rings.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Made up.

Speaker 1 You think she's lying about being molested? If anyone's going to do it, it's Oprah. Bro.

Speaker 1 She was then sent to live with a man she calls her father, Vernon Winfrey, a barber in Nashville, Tennessee, and landed a job in radio while still in high school.

Speaker 1 By 19, she was a co-anchor for the local evening news.

Speaker 1 Whoa, she's a beast, dude. She is a beast.

Speaker 1 Look at me at a podcast.

Speaker 1 Yes, it's a great.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, it's fantastic. Oprah Winfrey at 19.
Yeah, that's when radio was still big, too.

Speaker 1 I just always remember she was like on diets, off diets. Yeah, that was

Speaker 1 everybody was like, fat bitch. She's like barely fat.

Speaker 1 It was

Speaker 1 disgusting, fat bitch.

Speaker 1 She was like the first black person anybody had ever seen.

Speaker 1 They were like, fat ass black bitch.

Speaker 1 She was incredible. She was very fat.

Speaker 1 I remember Jenny Craig. You remember that being a joke?

Speaker 1 That was a big joke to everybody. He's like, I want you to go on Jenny Craig, Oprah, you fat bitch.

Speaker 1 And she, who's the

Speaker 1 Dr.

Speaker 1 Bald bald guy gets a lot of

Speaker 1 Dr. Phil.
Dr. Phil.
I think he got his star on Oprah. I don't think she's lying.

Speaker 1 That checks out. I feel like Oprah is a, yeah.
Her first name was spelled Orpa, O-R-P-A-H, on her birth certificate.

Speaker 1 But people mispronounced it regularly, and so Oprah's stuck. Oh, so that's Orpa is a biblical.
Yeah. And that's her production company name, I think.
Harpo. It's just Oprah backwards, I think.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 Hmm. Wow.
This is.

Speaker 1 Who would have thought? Yeah. Is she still with Stedman? Is this a personal life?

Speaker 1 Who's Steadman? Take a look. Stedman?

Speaker 1 Yes, she is still.

Speaker 1 Stedman Graham.

Speaker 1 Good for Strand. Steadman's a beast, dude.
What did Stedman do? How did he earn Oprah? He's just always sort of in the background as her. He's just been a long-term partner since 1986.

Speaker 1 And now they're worth $3 billion.

Speaker 1 Good for her. Good for her.
She did it. She did do it.

Speaker 1 Rural mississippi did that it was pretty good i was telling shana i always had fantasies about being on oprah what would you say just being interviewed as an actor

Speaker 1 i i i'm not gonna lie about it i just did that you know what did you i'm saying what did you imagine saying you won't do interviews you won't do interviews now if oprah was like stephen

Speaker 1 but i'm a damn person now You beat all the choice out of me.

Speaker 1 No time that that I'm talking that I'm not like

Speaker 1 what a shame hears us. That's crazy.

Speaker 1 I'm so supportive.

Speaker 1 Of course you want.

Speaker 1 So when we put out tires, they're going to make us do like a press run. Yeah.
And I've turned down everything unless I can bring you. It's

Speaker 1 hot ones. That would have been fun.
I try to, everything that, yeah, we're going to get you on these. It's just for me.
It's not for you. I just need.

Speaker 1 It'd be fun to make fun of him on like Jimmy Fallon.

Speaker 1 I just feel like this guy loves dirty talk and he knows which side of the clit's sensitive.

Speaker 1 Well, you gotta ask. It's so funny to give you the worst version of your dream.

Speaker 1 I'm gonna get you all. I'm gonna pants you on Jimmy Fallon.

Speaker 1 You're gonna be just sitting next to Jane on Oprah, just getting bodied. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But Oprah, she gives you, like, at least from what I remember, I haven't seen, but she gives you such like good energy to, you know, respond. It makes you feel

Speaker 1 doji. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think she just had your girl Kamal on. That's why that's why we got Oprah on the brain.
Okay. She just did a sit-down with Kambala.
How did it go?

Speaker 1 Obviously, a disaster. Kimbala.

Speaker 1 She was like, if you come into my house, you're going to get shot.

Speaker 1 She was like, I'm a gun owner.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I have a gun.

Speaker 1 Sounds like she did a good job.

Speaker 1 Sounds like she did a great job. You're going to come into my house and you're going to get shot?

Speaker 1 That's gold, Jerry. Gold.

Speaker 1 You love Kimbala. I do love Kambala.
I'm so excited she's in the race. Are you a hottie for Harris?

Speaker 1 No, I haven't looked into it at all, but that's a Trump supporter.

Speaker 1 He's Kimball. He's a Trump supporter.

Speaker 1 There's no way Gerbys votes for you. Girby 100% is in on Kambala.
I don't. Listen,

Speaker 1 Gerbys, make an endorsement.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this is your Oprah. This is your Oprah.
The truth is, if you're afraid to make a presidential endorsement, we know what side you're on, brother.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I find. I'd rather not comment on this issue.
Yeah. So you, you're, you, but I was trying to say, Chris is openly hottie for Harris.
Yeah. He's a white dude for Harris.
Yeah, yeah. Openly.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which is fine. He's always been a lifelong Democrat.
And you're entitled to your own opinions. Yeah.
I support that. That's just where I live.
That's my zone. I walk around.

Speaker 1 Kambala. Kambala.
That was my favorite Trump quote. That was my favorite Trump quote recently.
What was that? Kambala. Oh, Kambala.
He's like, I called her Kambala.

Speaker 1 I was just joking around, but they're acting like I mispronounced it. We like that nickname, Kimbala.

Speaker 1 It is.

Speaker 1 Anyway, the commie.

Speaker 1 Comrade Harris is a disaster. He goes right back to his speech.

Speaker 1 It is so fun being around you for all of this.

Speaker 1 I love that his next line is, Comrade Harris is a disaster. Because whenever he gets sidetracked off the teleprompter, he'll be reading a speech.

Speaker 1 He does that when he's reading.

Speaker 1 He's just working at his shit. And then he breaks from the teleprompter and talks shit.
Yeah. And then he, it was funny that the teleprompter line seemed to be Comrade Harris.

Speaker 1 So he's like, Kambala, I thought I was saying it wrong when I said Kambala.

Speaker 1 I was not. Anyway,

Speaker 1 Comrade Harris is a complete disaster.

Speaker 1 Right back, right back to his speech.

Speaker 1 He does do a good job, though, of like, even when he's riffing, looking like he's reading it off the teleprompter. I've watched a lot.

Speaker 1 I know what he does. Yeah, you can tell when he freezes because he'll read the line.
He'll read the last line of teleprompter and repeat it.

Speaker 1 He'll be like, and the economy is a disaster, and it is a disaster.

Speaker 1 And then he'll go.

Speaker 1 I know you hate compliments, but just really.

Speaker 1 Please don't. All right, fine.

Speaker 1 I want to hear your

Speaker 1 Kimballa Harris impression.

Speaker 1 I don't even know.

Speaker 1 Give it a shot. Prompt me.
How does she sound? Okay.

Speaker 1 Crazy. Madam Verse President.
Madam Verse President. What would you do to lower costs for everyday Americans?

Speaker 1 I don't even have her in my head right now. That's exactly pretty good.

Speaker 1 That's exactly what she would say. This is actually really good.

Speaker 1 She hasn't answered that yet. She broke the fourth wall, and she's just a complete act.
She's like, I don't even have her in my head right now.

Speaker 1 Oh, wait, I do have that.

Speaker 1 The only frame of reference is like,

Speaker 1 oh, you better thank a union member.

Speaker 1 you better thank a union member

Speaker 1 that's that's fun i wish i was a little bit black so i could run for politics and just adopt a

Speaker 1 1950s preacher yeah whenever i wanted

Speaker 1 and have all the white people go

Speaker 1 i like it this is a good speech something about it it's so good

Speaker 1 that was one of the most painful obama videos is him saying what up to all the nba guys did you ever see that? It's pretty fun. Yeah.
You're like, oh, man.

Speaker 1 Dang. No,

Speaker 1 he gets passed for that.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I do that.
Do you? Sometimes, yeah. What do you let me let me hear every once in a while? No, no, just like

Speaker 1 sometimes you hit, you know, it's white guy, white guy, black guy. Yeah.
You go, what's up? What's up?

Speaker 1 Brother.

Speaker 1 All right, that's not good. Gary Beast.
What else you got? Dude, Yeah.

Speaker 1 What would Matt say right now? We need to channel Matthew. Yeah, what would if I go into that? They give me the distance.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 The wrist turn to keep you away from it.

Speaker 1 Like they're dabbing you up out there.

Speaker 1 Creams.

Speaker 1 You think he'd be talking about creams? Yes. No, that's more of a throwback, Matt.
That's Matt of a while ago. This is new Matt.
What is Matt on to right now? What do you think he's on to?

Speaker 1 He's got to be channeling some type of vibration we haven't heard of yet.

Speaker 1 I just saw him recently at Helium. Yeah.
He's fantastic. Oh man.
I told him his hour right now, I think, is, I think it's the best. I think it's the best hour.
Incredibly hours. His current hour.

Speaker 1 It's so good. And also just like such a fun person to be around.
When we were in Los Angeles, it was... You are so much fun to be in a pool with.
That's a compliment you have to take.

Speaker 1 I am, I'm blessed.

Speaker 1 It's like the right amount of like relaxation and then like, I'll come over and grab you. Yeah, yeah, a little wrestle, a little throwing balls of faces.
It's a ditty party.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get you.

Speaker 1 But yeah, Matt,

Speaker 1 also just such a like pleasure to be here at. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wonderful human being and I miss him dearly. Last time I talked to him,

Speaker 1 he had the ring and he was tracking his

Speaker 1 stress levels. Yes.
That would be a very legitimate way for me to start wearing jewelry.

Speaker 1 No, it wouldn't.

Speaker 1 It's not good. I don't like it on Matt.
I don't like it on anyone.

Speaker 1 Matt is seemingly doing it for real research. I know.
I'll allow it. But yeah, we can get around.
See how stressed you are?

Speaker 1 I just like

Speaker 1 it's mostly it's it's not even on a reading. Yeah, no, but he's like he's like he's also getting information about when he's operating at his highest level.

Speaker 1 And I want I want some of that. What do you mean? I want to see if I ever get up there.
I know exactly when I'm at the best. Yeah.
Four.

Speaker 1 Four beers.

Speaker 1 Four beers. Don't you want some data to confirm that?

Speaker 1 I've run all the tests. I've done 10,000 shows.

Speaker 1 I've done a bunch of them on 10 beers, a bunch of them on no beers.

Speaker 1 Four. Four is the magic number.
Three or four Bud Lights.

Speaker 1 Three or more Bud Lights.

Speaker 1 I'd love to see like a Rocky four-level fucking lab montage.

Speaker 1 Ah, fuck, I had 12 again.

Speaker 1 It was when I filmed the special. That was, I mean, that was a real harsh reminder.
I did the first show. The first show wasn't good, and I did it totally sober.
The first show was great.

Speaker 1 Turns out the first show was most of the special, but I, you know, I wasn't excited about it.

Speaker 1 I wasn't even upset. I got off stage.
I was like, give me a case butt lights.

Speaker 1 I know what I need to do for the second show. You can limber up.
You do need a little distance from reality in order to be able to do that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Tomorrow is going to be the most insane thing I've ever done. What's that? Tomorrow I'm doing Scotiabank Arena in Toronto.
Toronto. Oh my god.
In the middle.

Speaker 1 So it's going to be the whole arena.

Speaker 1 And do you not have

Speaker 1 panic attacks? I forgot about it until right now, but yes,

Speaker 1 now I'm nervous again. Fuck.

Speaker 1 Dude. Yeah.
Because he came back like he's seen a ghost, Chris,

Speaker 1 after your first. That was a scary show.
Yeah. In Atlanta.
Yes. Yeah.
What's it like? What are you seeing? You see only the exits. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The tunnels. So it looks like everyone's leaving.

Speaker 1 That's all you see is people coming out to go to the bathroom.

Speaker 1 But there's thousands of people, but you get to see 150 people leave to go to the bathroom at least. So the whole time you're it does look like a mass exodus.

Speaker 1 And if there's ever a quiet part of a bit, you're just a sea of black and people walking out and dead silence from like

Speaker 1 God knows how many thousands of people. With a hawks.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just crazy.

Speaker 1 And I hadn't done stand-up in two weeks, and I like, I just hadn't been on the road with Shane in a while. So it's just like, I just got airdropped into, like, oh, my God.

Speaker 1 It's a tough time to jump back in. I just walked right back up

Speaker 1 with my little like

Speaker 1 parlor bits. You're doing it.
No, no, because he scared the shit out of me. No, you're doing Philly.

Speaker 1 I don't want to ruin the surprise, but.

Speaker 1 I don't know about that.

Speaker 1 I need you to do it.

Speaker 1 Look at the camera and tell the people you're going to be there. You're not going to break their hearts.
I'm going to be at that.

Speaker 1 Backstage for sure. You're going to be there.
It's a terrible thing. You're going to be backstage.
You either endorse

Speaker 1 or you or you're a hottie for your hairs

Speaker 1 you don't if you don't do the show you're silently a hottie

Speaker 1 if you don't do the show you have to wear a bandana necklace

Speaker 1 you have to wear a bandana for three minutes gotta just take out the one little thing and then just do a little three or five three

Speaker 1 five three three or five three's too fast that's it's literally going on stage and saying hi and leaving you can do five all right

Speaker 1 We'll talk about it. He scared the bejesus out of me, though, with that, you know, the Philly show is going to be way scarier.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That was a stage. This is in the middle again.
Oh, in the middle, forget it.

Speaker 1 I'll cry. It'll just.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 You're doing in the round in Wells Fargo? Yes, but here's what I need from you. Because you're sitting here.
You probably see people a little bit better. Saying you're going to have a panic attack.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's also a plus for me.

Speaker 1 It'd be better than stand-up. If you go out there and collapse,

Speaker 1 that's good. No, it's not good.
It's like the Coliseum. You pay to watch a Christian, a good Christian die.

Speaker 1 No, there's only shooting that day. No, the people want you to go in there and die.
And just have a full-blown mental breakdown. Yeah, it'd be awesome.

Speaker 1 I would also like to see you try to go in the other direction and just be like, I would knock it out of the park. I can't do that to you.
I do need that.

Speaker 1 I also need that energy.

Speaker 1 You see,

Speaker 1 we got a lot of first pitches this week. Ian Fidance threw one, Stavi Baby threw one.
How'd they do? Both bounced it. They bounced it.
Just saying, it's not as easy as it looks. It isn't.

Speaker 1 Where did Fidance do the first pitch? Cleveland. Oh, nice.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Not that easy. I'm just saying.
It's not that easy.

Speaker 1 We don't have to relitigate it. You worked on your old man throw, dude.
Just lob it in there. You can lob it in for a strike.
That's part of the criticism.

Speaker 1 Hold on on a sec. That's part of the criticism.
You don't think I backed myself into a corner of you?

Speaker 1 Why'd you do this to me?

Speaker 1 Do you? Yes. It was playful banter.
It was playful banter. Shane, it was playful banter.
And then, you know, I acknowledge that it was a strike. It's on a tops cart.

Speaker 1 What type of sexual adventures have you been getting into lately? Oh, I got a good one. What type of porn have you been jacking off to?

Speaker 1 You know, honestly, the same.

Speaker 1 It's, I think.

Speaker 1 You're back on that gruel shit. You never left the the gruel.
No, I am off the gruel. You're off the gruel because I

Speaker 1 learned information about it that kind of,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 I think gruel is present when ovulation is happening. And that's not an indicator.
Well, I thought it was like

Speaker 1 an indicator of how turned on she was.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But other than that, you researched your way out of a fish.

Speaker 1 So you're retiring as the gruel kid. You're no longer the king of the gruel.
I don't think so. I haven't been to our.
So what are you the king of now?

Speaker 1 Our hot wife?

Speaker 1 Chucked on. No, no, no.
They're choked on spin.

Speaker 1 Reddit hot wife? No, well, yeah, our hot wife. Yeah.
That's Reddit, right? Yeah. So it's hot wives getting fucked by other guy cucks.

Speaker 1 Well, it's mostly, no, it's like, it's mostly just like a, if you are looking for, I, I want a

Speaker 1 porn right now on Reddit, you go there and it's just videos. It's mostly OnlyFans people just hawking.

Speaker 1 Do you ever see them like leave their husband? Or he's filming. No, no.
I've seen hot wife shit. The guy's filming the whole time.
Sometimes the guy comes in and sucks the cum out of his wife's LC.

Speaker 1 That's like the hardcore cuck porn. I don't watch that.
Yeah. No, if you watch that, you're fucking pedophiled.
Yes. No, first of all,

Speaker 1 second of all, disgusting.

Speaker 1 Listen, it's not the hot wife fetish. Timeout.
I don't have a hot wife fetish.

Speaker 1 It's just an easy access

Speaker 1 if you're looking for some on red.

Speaker 1 So that's just your page you like. Yeah, that's not a fetish.
That's correct. But what's the thing you like when you get in there? What's your favorite?

Speaker 1 It's no different from

Speaker 1 regular.

Speaker 1 You're just regular now. I thought you were a freak bull.
I am a freak bull,

Speaker 1 but never in like a... You know, sometimes you just come back to the basics.
I've been stuck on the side.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Your ambition just met its match with Robin Hood. You play for the win, not just on game day, every day.
Channel that drive into your money. Trade stocks and ETFs,

Speaker 1 options, and futures all on one platform. You expect more from yourself.
Expect more from your money. Get started today at robinhood.com/slash your money.
Your money, your move.

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by Viori. So there's a lot of sports out there.
Obviously, you've got basketball, baseball, and football. But then there's running, climbing, yoga, pickleball.

Speaker 1 But the good news is that you only need one pair of shorts for all of it. The core short from Veori.
That's right. The core short is the short that started it all for Viore.

Speaker 1 Fitness versatility. One short every sport.

Speaker 1 Guys, they're ideal for fitness, running, and training, but also stylish and comfortable. That's important.
That is important. I want to be stylish.
I'm going to be stylish and comfortable.

Speaker 1 Some of their stuff is like borderline erotic.

Speaker 1 If you feel my shorts right here, I'm actually wearing them right now.

Speaker 1 I'm actually wearing them right now, dude.

Speaker 1 Viori is an investment in happiness. And right now, you can get 20% off your first order in free shipping on any U.S.
order of $75 and free returns.

Speaker 1 So get your core shorts now at Viori.com slash secret. That's V-U-O-R-I dot com slash secret.
Exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions.
My basics are probably...

Speaker 1 I don't like deviating from the basics. No, no.
I feel like a bad person. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's when I experience some shame. If I've gone, if I've gone to, if I'm watching like a gangbang.
Yeah. And I go, what have I become here? Then you roll over.
Yeah. Don't worry.
I like them.

Speaker 1 Yeah, occasionally, it's.

Speaker 1 As soon as you jizz, you go,

Speaker 1 what the fuck was that?

Speaker 1 You know why I went through? Like, I go through phases. Yeah, I know.
That's what I want to talk about. Oh.
I want to hear about some phases. You ever break it? Glory hole? What? Yeah, glory hole.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's regular stuff. That's a regular phase.
Yeah, we've all gone through the glory hole phase. That's the wrong grain phase, but that's a regular phase.

Speaker 1 I think I've talked about it. I apologize for all the.
That's all right. It's because you're drinking that bullshit.
Jeez, Louise.

Speaker 1 There was a subreddit for a while. It is now abandoned or shut down or whatever.
I think I've talked about it, but it's our unexpected sex.

Speaker 1 It's not like rapy or anything like that, but it would be like outer course.

Speaker 1 So like...

Speaker 1 The object was like only a hand job. Yeah.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah.
I never turned on that, you know, it slips it it in a little bit. Oh,

Speaker 1 yeah. It's so exciting stuff.
It's so exciting. I thought you'd be pulling your little pud to this.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I love it. If that were a porn.
If that were a porn guy.

Speaker 1 I can't stay mad at you. And you find a good one.

Speaker 1 It's the psychological thriller of the porn world. Yeah.
Yes. And like every time I see something like that pop up on Reddit, it's a little bit, but like.

Speaker 1 I'm probably like top 2% in the world

Speaker 1 knowing what those videos are out there.

Speaker 1 You know? Like when you touch somebody, he's like, look at this. I'm like, yeah, yeah.
You know, like, I got a digital library. Anyway.

Speaker 1 I didn't know you were this horny. Well, no, I'm not.
I mean, you know, for a while, I didn't have a co-frame.

Speaker 1 So, but, yeah, that would still be like my favorite. If you find a good one.
Yeah. Yeah.
What do you do when you find a good one? Do you cherish it? You do cherish it.

Speaker 1 Do you worship it for like a week's? No, I don't worship it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Should I give one to the listeners? Should I give one to the listeners? It sucks when you get to one. Give one to the listeners.

Speaker 1 Yeah, now, I don't want to get castigated. Some of these are like obviously, you know, planned.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I'm not.
But there's an elevator one.

Speaker 1 It's like hot blonde elevator tease fuck is what I would put

Speaker 1 is what I would put.

Speaker 1 This might be a mistake. All right, my bad.
For tires.

Speaker 1 We might have fucked up here. Oh, yeah.
Don't sex shame us.

Speaker 1 But it's true. We're allowed to be sexual.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's not. None of this is.
Don't sex shame Steve. Yeah.
He's allowed to be sexual. We're not.
We're not. So, what do you type in?

Speaker 1 Well, blonde elevator tease fuck. Yeah, probably something like that.
Hell yeah. You ever search that and it's not there? And you go, no.

Speaker 1 Shit, what was I jacking off?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, shit.
They took it down.

Speaker 1 What was her name? Yep. Yeah.
Yep. I actually just

Speaker 1 suddenly had a scare. Yeah.
What happened? I was trying to find a particular.

Speaker 1 So you have your spectacles on. Now, I also have to ask, you have a device that holds your phone up above you.

Speaker 1 I don't use that. You have a phone device that goes above you, right? Did you know you use that? It's like a hook.

Speaker 1 You expect a gadget hook

Speaker 1 over the top of his bed so he can lay down and watch his phone. Golf.
Yeah. Yeah.
To scroll and

Speaker 1 just like watch golf hurting your shoulders. Did you talk into it? Do you go, Siri? Find blonde elevators.
Surprise, funny.

Speaker 1 No. Well, it is funny.
Literally, everyone in our apartment broke their shoulder over COVID because we didn't have that.

Speaker 1 Everyone's left shoulder got like a pinched nerve.

Speaker 1 That fucking couch. Yeah, yeah.
And just laying on your side with your phone.

Speaker 1 Should we not be talking to him? We can talk about it. No, no, trust me.
Yeah. I need one more from you.
There's way worse out there already.

Speaker 1 I was doing a pretty intense Kamala Harris impression a minute ago. Yeah, she's beautiful.

Speaker 1 Anyway, no, it's not a porn time. That's not a porn.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 Kamala, surprise fuck, elevator.

Speaker 1 Uh,

Speaker 1 come twice,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 Where, yes,

Speaker 1 there's no shame in this.

Speaker 1 That's what got me last night. Yeah, oh, last night, I was looking for you to work with us

Speaker 1 jacking off to come twice, and then I'm shaking your hand in the morning. half-time.
What about you know, and then it was like half time of the jets camp?

Speaker 1 I just talked to you.

Speaker 1 We were on the phone, and I was like, Well, I need to relax. I'm kidding.
No, no, well, I wasn't on the phone with you while I was searching that. No, when were we on the phone?

Speaker 1 We were on the phone at halftime of the Jets camp. Uh, it was around, it was around that, but you know, I was on a delay.

Speaker 1 You are on delay while we were on the phone, you're like, Look at him go! I was watching the game, I was like, oh, he's way back,

Speaker 1 but uh, I said, so I couldn't remember like her name, the ladies and what

Speaker 1 middle of the conversation. I think Aaron Rodgers had like a seven-yard run.
Yeah, he was like, Oh, he looked great. He did look great.
If he's listening to this, he might be listening.

Speaker 1 You're doing great. Yeah, yeah.
Aaron Rodgers rules. Oh, my God.
So much fun.

Speaker 1 He

Speaker 1 might be listening. It is really fun watching you play.
I feel like a crazy person. No, you get to talk to him.
Go ahead. You're on with Aaron Rodgers.
And you know what?

Speaker 1 It is so much fun. Well, I already said it.
Yeah. We were so excited to watch you keep going.
Best of luck to you. After in-between, come twice.

Speaker 1 You're back to watching this. How quick does he look? But he was one of them.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's also something that's like him being on the Jets too really does put in stark contrast like how much better he is than any other quarterback they've ever

Speaker 1 sniffed. It's like it's fun to watch them throw the picks again.
It's unbelievable. Quick release laser.
Oh man. Because that was like their previous game where they changed it up.

Speaker 1 It was like that West Coast. And when that thing just started coming out, it was like, uh-oh.
It's crazy. Daddy's home.
You know, I regret that. Take that back.
Who's deleting this?

Speaker 1 Leave it in. Put it in the intro.

Speaker 1 I need that in the intro. Daddy's home.
That's the name of the episode. You're back.

Speaker 1 The girl King has returned.

Speaker 1 But nothing's changed. You're the same guy as you were the last time you were on the pot.
A little bit, yeah. How have you been? How has success gone to your head now that you're it?

Speaker 1 Well, the country club, yeah. Oh, you joined a country club.
I did. You can't get, yeah, yeah.
I get enough privacy at the country club. No, no, no.
Oh, why not?

Speaker 1 Because they everybody likes you, and they like you. Yeah, they like me a lot.
They're always like, is Shane coming?

Speaker 1 But everybody there is so nice.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I was searching for

Speaker 1 a Starlight.

Speaker 1 A Starlet. Yeah, yeah.
You know what? Well,

Speaker 1 you know know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 I'm just porn actress. But I think the child.

Speaker 1 I couldn't remember. Right.
My search

Speaker 1 with those glasses. Yeah.
Yeah. With those glasses, rope around the back of your head, going, what was the name of that starlet?

Speaker 1 What was the name of that starlet?

Speaker 1 Your glasses at your nose. Are you at a desktop or are you using your cellular phone for the cell phone? All right.
Over the sink. That hasn't changed.
Over the sink. Cell phone.
I know you ate that.

Speaker 1 Searching for a starlet over the sink. Over the sink.
You forget how tall you guys are.

Speaker 1 Doesn't matter. You can't get it.
It doesn't matter about height on that. That's nuts.
No, it is. Everything's right.
It's never done into the sink.

Speaker 1 Those slugs must be insane. They're not.

Speaker 1 You just rinse them down. There's slugs it up.

Speaker 1 I, you know.

Speaker 1 Break them up.

Speaker 1 It's all hard anyway. I'm sorry I'm doing this.

Speaker 1 Look, I have no shame about. Yeah, everybody does it.
Yeah. You're fine.
Everybody stirs their own jizz into their sink.

Speaker 1 Like an evil witch. Well, you can make anything.
You can make anything bad sound like that. It's like, you can just, you know, in a toilet paper or what have you.
Just wipe it up.

Speaker 1 I have started wiping it up, but

Speaker 1 I don't want to download the wipe off the road because of the whole.

Speaker 1 You can, it does. Sometimes the sink clogs, but I don't know if it's

Speaker 1 shade. I don't know if it's sinks clogged generally.
But, you know, it's like a resolve. It's going to be a ball of hair and jizz.

Speaker 1 I'm not going down. I'm just draino it anyway.

Speaker 1 I looked up and put that on the bottle.

Speaker 1 The Draino bottle. I was, I really thought you were going to say finish that sentence with don't put that on the podcast.
I was like, thank you.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 you're an open book. This is fine.

Speaker 1 You're a good guy. Sun setting here in the woods.
Yeah. How old? What time? How long are you going to go? Talking about clogging sinks.

Speaker 1 Almost an hour, 55. We're close to an hour.
It's great. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It is great.

Speaker 1 It's a cool jacket. Thanks.
Brian Six loves it. I've told you that before.
He immediately accused me. He pressure tests anything.
What?

Speaker 1 The moment I was like, oh, that's what you're doing. Now you're a big, big, famous guy with that big back.

Speaker 1 He's 15 years old. 15 years old.
Nothing's changed.

Speaker 1 But it still worms around in the back of your head. You're like, am I doing this? Because I'm

Speaker 1 popping that collar a little. A little top gun.
I do like the collar box. I do.
Yeah, yeah, I do. You look good in the golf outfits, too.
Thank you. Yeah.
I love golf wear. You love golf now.
I do.

Speaker 1 That's something that's changed.

Speaker 1 You've become a much more avid golfer. I have.
I went through a phase in high school where I was just absolutely obsessed with it and then went to like city schools and did comedy. So I didn't play.

Speaker 1 And then through this, I've had the opportunity financially to

Speaker 1 really golf constantly. Yeah.

Speaker 1 When we went to top golf, him and McKeever shocked me. Yeah.
They're good at golf. I got to play with Francis.
Francis is good. He's great and unbelievable company.
Yeah. I love you, Francis.

Speaker 1 Francis Rules. Yeah, yeah.
Him, I would have never guessed that you could be good at golf. You're great.
Yeah. McKeever also, McKeever might have the ugliest swing I've ever seen.
It's very fluid.

Speaker 1 It's not ugly. It's like that should not work.
Right. He swings like a cartoon character.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Jim Fury kind of thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
And then I went after telling everybody, let's go to top golf for a week and could literally couldn't hit the ball. I can't.
I can't. Topped it every single.

Speaker 1 I was over it by a foot every swing. And then there was

Speaker 1 like the women had sort of congregated to like one of the stalls, the top golf stalls, and they were all like so supportive and cheering. And I remember being like, I got to hit one in front of them.

Speaker 1 And so I went there and I hit one and they were all like chanting my name. And I was like, shut up.
And then you just see Shane's head pop out from behind the color.

Speaker 1 And then I went in front of all the women and barely hit the ball. And they all fake cheered.

Speaker 1 One of the girls that I didn't even know was going to feel this way. It was like, we have to clap.
It's our boss. And I was like, oh.

Speaker 1 It's a freaking hole in screen having fun. I was going to pay for this.

Speaker 1 I can't make contacts. I can't.

Speaker 1 We'll get you there.

Speaker 1 You are a natural athlete. Chris throws a football incredibly.
Yeah, Chris is very athletic.

Speaker 1 You are insane.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to D-line against you. The only thing I can do is stand in people's way.
Yeah, you're lying. You're lying.
You're lying.

Speaker 1 The speed, Chris, he hit me with books. I watch tutorials.
I'm sorry. Can I talk about that? Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1 I watch like D-line tutorials on how to, you know, swim. Yeah, and rip.
Right. Swim.
Swim and rip. Apparently, like leg and arm stay attached.
Like you got string. Anyway, I tried to...

Speaker 1 do that on him.

Speaker 1 And he went like half speed. Half the time in the office, there's nothing going on, so I'll be pass-blocking Steven.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then I didn't know what to do. Unbeknownst to me, in between come twice.
He fucking

Speaker 1 YouTube D-line

Speaker 1 methodology and tried out his swim technique when we got to the office. And he went slightly above 50% and was terrified.
Just fucking threw him.

Speaker 1 Like the speed that the hands come up. Yeah.
It's cool. Because I just jammed you.

Speaker 1 He didn't even have a chance. It happened before I even got.
And think about it. I was terrible

Speaker 1 in college. But you were there were guys that were

Speaker 1 those those guys would get you.

Speaker 1 Johnny Rubiton in Atlanta, you saw that boy dancing. Oh, yes.
He was good. Yeah.
Dude.

Speaker 1 One of my friends from Elon came to Atlanta for the show, and then we went out and got drunk and he was dancing around. It was, it was very fun to watch.
She did do like a lineman Olympics.

Speaker 1 He was really good at dancing.

Speaker 1 It was hilarious. So was Shane.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 They're all sneakers. You've said this, and it's cost me a lot.

Speaker 1 It's like, Shane's a good dancer. Now people are like, dance, and we want to see you dance.
I'll never dance. Well, yeah, because you practice a lot of his moves.
I've never practiced moves.

Speaker 1 You fucking practice moves. I do practice moving.
You practice moves. Yeah, there's other always.
We haven't had you on in a while. Can you please just right here show the people a little MJ for us?

Speaker 1 No, no, no. There's absolutely no MJ.
That's no reason. Please, please.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
All right. All right.
We'll calm down.

Speaker 1 I'll get up and I'll do that. Oh, thank you.
Yeah, at the end. Nice.
I wasn't going to.

Speaker 1 But, and there's no, I'm just going to break something. We'll just move the chair and you can hit a nice MJ right there.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I was saying, oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 because, you know, I got terrible vision just generally.

Speaker 1 But when I lived in New York, so I say that because when I go to a sporting event, I don't like see clearly what's happening. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I

Speaker 1 when I was living in New York,

Speaker 1 just responding to sound.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's just like kind of cozy.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I went down to the, I guess it was like the Easter ever. I'm sorry.
It's like going to a baseball game with Beezer. Yeah.
He can't see shit, I guess.

Speaker 1 Every single time the ball goes off the bat, he's like, oh, pop fly, infield flies. Like, it had the height, though.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. You got never.

Speaker 1 I think you were, I remember being at the game, being like, I saw that. It was the first home run I actually saw.
Oh, the one that was right in front of us? Yeah, yeah. That was cool.

Speaker 1 It was cool. It was right in the valpole.
It was awesome. But Beezer hasn't gotten new glasses in 12 years, probably, right? Beezer's his own man.

Speaker 1 Beezer was with the kneecap boys. He had a good time.
Yeah, he he was off the rock. I go down to the East River, they had a track, and I'm like jogging.

Speaker 1 And then I guess like one of the college's track teams was set up on the inner track, and somebody got up to full speed and was like one lane over blowing past me.

Speaker 1 And it was the first time I apologize if I told this one on the podcast, but it was the first time I was just like, whoa, like had that feeling of like watching a human

Speaker 1 high-level athletic performance. Yeah, it's fucking awesome.
Yeah, it's like somebody fast. Fast, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like seeing a body move.

Speaker 1 If I saw somebody sprint like an actual track runner, that'd be crazy.

Speaker 1 Being on the track, my slow ass trying to run. Yeah.
It'd be comical. You like move with the wind when they go by.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'd be mad at them. Yeah.
If they ran by, I'd go with them. They're dangerous.

Speaker 1 Slow down. I'm a fucking piece of shit.
Those kids in this neighborhood.

Speaker 1 Did we do it? We did do it. We did it.

Speaker 1 I really appreciate it because I you appreciate it. We appreciate everything that you've done for us.
I need Matthew, but I hope the listeners can understand we're working on tires.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I'm trying.

Speaker 1 You're busy in a way that you're doing.

Speaker 1 I'm trying my best. Yeah, but it is, your schedule is utterly insane

Speaker 1 to help all your friends. But then I fuck around and do Monday night football in a concert during the week.
I could have, you know. I know, but you got to be seen.
What's that?

Speaker 1 I do not need to be seen.

Speaker 1 You got to be. Well, you got to be out there in the world.
You got to do something for yourself every once in a while. I do offer myself.

Speaker 1 You got to take advantage.

Speaker 1 There's no reason to make money if you can't do the things you're doing and get hair. I agree with the hair.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get the hair.

Speaker 1 I'm probably going to be.

Speaker 1 I'm probably going to be too lazy. I'm going to be too lazy to get the hair, dude.
I'm going to be too lazy. We'll go together and do it.

Speaker 1 Whoever you go to, I'm going to. I want in on it.
Don't cruise.

Speaker 1 three, we're all going to have a fucking wig.

Speaker 1 I don't look like I'm wearing one. It just filled me in a little bit.

Speaker 1 I was thinking about it because it's gone, dude. And it's

Speaker 1 season three. Season two is going to be.
I'm going to be a bald motherfucker this year. Yeah, I know.
What can you do?

Speaker 1 It's so funny. It is what it is.
Normally, you watch a cast like age over like 10 seasons.

Speaker 1 You're the youngest shit.

Speaker 1 You're getting a beard. I know what you want.
I can't.

Speaker 1 I even tried putting monoxidil on my face. I know.
That's how you fix your hair, right? Yep.

Speaker 1 Did you know that?

Speaker 1 He was trying to grow a beard, so he was putting shit on his face. And it was over COVID.
And I was like, well, I might as well put it on my scalp, too.

Speaker 1 And Minoxidil and Propetia is like how I got a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little

Speaker 1 bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of it. It does look good.

Speaker 1 You got a ton back there. I did get a fucking tongue back.
Yeah. That was gone.
It was. And you were hanging on.
was i was gonna pull you aside

Speaker 1 close and be like all right dude we gotta pull the plug on this yeah you were throwing some powder in there powder in there looking crazy getting the powder is not good crushed in the comments we can't do the powder no the powder is bad i had a friend one of my i didn't even know that existed yeah this is like eight years ago and we were at a party and my friend started sweating and i just noticed like

Speaker 1 shit coming down the side of his face and i was like

Speaker 1 and we all noticed his powder we knew he had powder in we just just never brought it up to him because it was it would be mean but then he was dripping powder down the side of his face we had to go bro brother just get rid of it yeah

Speaker 1 well

Speaker 1 we've done it we have that's a good episode now let's just top it off a little girby's send them off man of my word and hit him with a little mj the boys have it The dogs have missed you.

Speaker 1 Every day, every day of my life, I get a message, where's Girby's? That's incredibly incredibly sweet. He made me do this in like we went out to like a business dinner.

Speaker 1 Was it Netflix? Yeah, yes. And all, and like high-powerful agents in the industry.
You're like, do an MJ dance right here. That's good.
What am I going to do? How can I deny you?

Speaker 1 Yes. Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
All right. Of course, I'm going to break something.
No, you're not going to break it. If you break something, that'll help.
All right, here we go.

Speaker 1 I got to get that mic out of you.

Speaker 1 Oh, there you go. Oh,

Speaker 1 I saw it. I saw it.

Speaker 1 Here Here it comes.

Speaker 1 It's like

Speaker 1 you,

Speaker 1 you

Speaker 1 beautiful. You grab your penis.

Speaker 1 All right. Thank you.
We miss you, Matt. Yeah.
God bless you.