Ep 535 - Soft Girls (feat. Sam Morril)

The Wild Wild West.

Hey, we're live. What's up, everybody? Sam Murrell, thank you for coming, dude.
Thanks for having me, man. I mean, I hate to dig into what we were just saying, but you're absolutely right.
The headset, that was one of the funniest things I've ever heard. Oh, why'd I burn it off air? I was the funny, just saying.
That's what everyone says now. You show up to like, save it.
Save it for the pod. Sam was looking at my headset.
He said that just when you see a comedian with a headset on stage, you know a molestation story is going.

Yeah, it's going to get serious.

That's the funniest thing I've ever heard, man.

It's always something dark.

There was another guy in the 90s.

I forgot his name, but he was like, the first half was really funny.

And then he was like, anyway, my dad was murdered.

And you're like, what the fuck?

But he had the headset.

You knew something was coming.

It is.

It does lend to like a gravitas towards the whole thing.

Yeah.

And here is the secret to life. Or like a self-help person where they're just like doing this a lot that's where i got uh remember you ever see vanilla skies with tom cruise yeah that's where this made me laugh of him just being like you want to get fucking pussy or not thank you for coming dude i couldn't tell if that was a good movie or not uh when they broke out and singing in the end it me off Vanilla Sky? No I'm thinking of not Vanilla Sky Magnolia or something My bad Yeah that was annoying That was a really good movie It was awesome And then it just ended pointlessly with him singing And I was like this fucking pisses me off Yeah I love you Dude thanks for coming having me, dude.
I'm happy to be here. Dude, it's funny.
The first time I ever saw you, I was a pup in comedy. I was a young pup.
And my friend Chris O'Connor was like, dude, Sam Rowe's going. It was in Philly.
You were doing some show. I forget where it was.
We just watched. And we're like, you know when you just start, you see a guy who actually can do it.
And you're just like, oh, fuck, dude. Where was it? It's in Ph I forget, some theater.
It was like a theater, but it was like a... Like a black box type thing? Yes.
I did a lot of those in Philly, because they were easy to get to. Train is like 90 minutes.
People don't know. It's like right there.
I loved it. It was a young comedy pub, and we were going, whoa, dude, that's so fucking cool.
Dude, he has a whole fucking hour. This is crazy.
Five minutes. We're like, oh, dude, that's so fucking cool.
And then if I look back at that hour, I'd be like, oh, I fucking suck. That's how it works.
You know, you feel good about it for a minute. And then.
Yeah. But then I don't like my new stuff either.
It's like, you know. Yeah.
It's tough. How do you feel about your stuff? I go back and forth.
Sometimes I'm like the hour I'm doing now, I'll be like, this is great. And then I'll like there's like chunks of it where i'm like this fucking sucks i need to cut this all out but i just i get to the point where i just want to be done with it i'm like i all right this it is what it is i want to like release this and just go on coming up with something else i know it's it's amazing how quickly it's like it's like just a new relationship and like at first you're like oh my god this is amazing and then a few months in you're like what am i doing i know what the fuck am i talking about yeah i'll like i'll like laugh i'll not even laugh i'll be like as i there's like certain things i'll say from it in my head i'm like you fucking loser and i'm like all right come on man come on let's get through the hour brother let's get there's always that one chunk where you're like why am i still doing but you know you're doing it to because you you believe you're like it'll get better yeah but you got it you got to do it enough that you hate it and then you're like all right i'll write new stuff it's time yeah it's time to chop this loose i'm excited i'm gonna try to do a special at some point and then uh in the spring maybe and then just you're like one of the few successful youtube specials of recent thank you yeah i feel like there's not that had a moment and then it was like it got oversaturated and you I you are a few other people.
Dude, I thought I was thinking for like maybe 40,000 views. I was like, I'll probably get 40,000 on it.
And then like I was like, I'll do a bunch of podcasts, promote it. And then like the first week I was like, oh, sweet.
I'll do anything. Sit back and chill.
That is that is the dream to be like no press. Yeah.
You know, it's I thought I was going to have to do it all. And, you know, you know you know whatever but i always say people always people ask me they'll be like like what should i do for like you know like my podcast i'm like dude here's what you got to do i was like just get a co-host to become supremely famous and i was like that'll work for sure that's what you gotta be like like an agent now you're like i think that guy's got the goods right there yeah true but yeah people it's funny when they they always like really disheartened when i'm like i don't know what the fuck to tell you man i'm like you just find someone who's super famous you're you're holding up your end though yeah well thank you man yeah thank you but yeah it is uh i don't know man it's just the people get people get spun out man entertainment's the only thing only like job i've ever seen where people make like as much as a doctor they're like i'm a fucking loser you're like dude you're killing it man yeah but if you saw other doctors like performing an operation you're like that guy's getting more likes than me on his on his operation true do you feel like there is that thing about like and also like we we do badly more than like a doctor's like i'm sure they fuck up sometimes but like i'll i've had like three bombs in a row if a doctor fucks up three times in a row i'm like you got to get out just coming home like i fucking bombed on that brain surgery it was an easy one they were good he was good and i blew it the other doctor went on he crushed and i came on and just killed the guy true that's a fair point, they don't have to deal with metrics.
I think just the comparing. We always compare, and it's different than it used to be.
Back in the day, you'd be trying to get something on Comedy Central, and there'd be one spot. You're like, this is the white dude spot.
If I don't get this, I suck. And you're like, shit, then I'm on a lineup with Norman, Dan Soder, Phil Hanley, all these like killer New York comics you know, Joe List

and but you know now

it's like it's kind of wide open. Yeah.

No it's true. Yeah it does

and it sucks too because I will say in comedy

the product is your like personality.

Some people are like yeah not for me.

You're like fuck you dude. It's not like you're just

selling insurance. I don't really need that right now.
It's like

yeah I saw you. I'm good on you and you're like fuck.
Yeah that's not my act're just selling insurance like i don't really need that right now it's like yeah i saw you i'm good on you and you're like fuck yeah that's not my act that's me they said my name that's when it would hurt when you're like they don't just like dislike you especially when you told you like oh i don't just dislike his act i don't like him yeah i hate that guy yeah he sucks it's a weird uh i don't know it is i it is funny people like talking about like the internet comments it's always kind people are always like, but it is an interesting thing because you do have to deal with the way you're, I don't know how to put it, but the way your body has cells, there's just a million comments about you and you can start getting into them. I don't know.
I think it is funny. It's a fun thing to like, I used to get real whacked out.
I'd read them just like, fuck, this guy, who the fuck the fuck is this guy now i'm like you never can tell because sometimes it'll be something that actually is accurate and you're like fuck that's actually true and that's painful to realize then it's like you get like you suck i love you and then you get like opposing views that you have to somehow just choose like which one do i actually believe i know you're like fuck i am a dumb nailed it. Shit.
Every once in a while, yeah. But, you know, if you believe the good stuff, then you're crazy, too.
I know. That's a problem.
That's a problem, dude. I don't believe any of it.
I just wait until I find something negative, and I feel the sting of that. And I go, that's enough for today.
And I just go about my day, and I go, fuck. You got to also, I mean, I know comics who are like, I remember a comic friend of mine got this great write-up in the New york times and i called him like dude this is amazing and he was just like nah they're gonna this is like right before they turn on me like he couldn't enjoy it at all he was like nah they're gonna fucking this is like they're they're calling me great so it's like people are gonna fucking be like this guy sucks yeah or they're gonna dig out some skeleton for my past that'd be yeah i don't think this guy has any skeletons.
I think he's pretty well liked, this guy. But he's just like, damn.
Damn. Damn, dude.
Dude, I did want to talk to you about this. So you know about the Diddy stuff, obviously.
Sure. I was there.
It was great. He sucked my dick.
It was awesome. So Diddy's now crying that it's unfair that the owner of Abercrombie is not getting as much, he's out on bail while Diddy is not out on bail.
And he apparently, I didn't get a time, I didn't get enough time to look into it, like the details of it. But he was apparently running like a sex trafficking thing in the UK.
I mean, you can tell by the stores, right? That's what I'm saying. You just walked in there, you're like, this should not be okay, right? These poor damn employees.
Well, they they used to have teenage shirtless teenage boys outside of their store while running a i think

it was primarily a gay sex trafficking ring yeah which is crazy dude in the open base i mean i i

remember walking in there and being like uncomfortable and having to leave yeah dude i

remember my i was like high school girlfriends be like let's go to evercrombie and i like walk

past like a fucking hot dude with his shirt off he'd be like fuck you dude walking like i'm not biting the shit.

It was like,

we were so mean to them,

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we were like, we were like, we were like, fucking hot dude with his shirt off he'd be like fuck you dude walking like i'm not buying any of this shit it was like we were so mean to them but like looking back that dude was probably getting railed yeah so we like we were in the wrong i thought they were getting a ton of pussy turns out yeah they were just like blowing old men they were the pussy but yeah it was crazy that guy is apparently running he was running a thing like diddy where it was like all kinds of crazy manipulation and deception and sex trafficking and whatever. But that's the way to do it.
If you're doing that, because you're like, well, this is so out in the open. You think I would just flaunt it if I were actually doing it? True.
But then he was, because Diddy was more like it was more like a VIP vibe. Like you only, you know.
Yeah. And, you know, of course, someone with all these celebrities, you wouldn be doing something like this it would the word would get out yeah true but you know i don't i don't know how it works if they had like ndas or something there i think they just try to get dirt on you i think that the deal is you try to get dirt on them first and then you're like real i don't know because that is i'd be so nervous imagine if you were running like a sex trafficking like you were drunk imagine if last you just drugged i'm already stressed i can't imagine i'm already like fuck i feel like shit i'm on the road i can't imagine like that guilt level where you're just like fuck i have a sex trafficking ring you're like yeah you ghb the guy opening for you you fucked him and then you fucked like four ladies and you just woke up and i got i gotta do a meeting for my fucking vodka it's crazy damn yeah what's gonna happen to ciroc i think someone else bought it ah yeah i think someone is it tainted though because i did think of diddy when i think of it yeah i absolutely i would think i drink ciroc and have a good time thinking about diddy having fun times but now i'm just like but no i think uh i think they some people try to say that that was the whole thing to get him off of the board because they were saying like there were like liquor billionaires who didn't want him.
He wasn't like playing ball. It'd be like liquor ticket master being like, you're not playing ball.
And they're trying to claim you're not playing ball. You have a sex trafficking ring back in the day.
And like Hollywood, they would have morality clauses in the contracts for like these young starlets. So they'd be like, you know, a young actress would be like fucking a married guy.
And they'd be like you gotta you gotta shut that down we invested at you here at mgm or whatever yeah so you know it's like it's really funny how you know back then it was like don't infidelity is bad now it's like don't fuck kids yeah don't please it's you know it's changed it does ruin it does ruin a brand the catholic Church was the only institution that was like,

their adherents were like, come on.

It's a branding error.

Every big company has some bad guys.

Subway.

It's lost some luster.

It has.

And they could have gone with that Clay Henry guy.

Remember Clay Henry back in the day?

No, who was that?

He was the other one.

It was like Jared and Clay Henry.

They brought in like a 1B character.

Yeah, yeah.

Like he got real big on burgers and fries, but now he's down to a smaller size so he brought another guy in yeah he was a fireman too like he could have made them he could have made him look good loved his wife he was probably a good guy but then yeah they went jared and look we can't deny jared had an impact he had the sauce in the story of just walking and eating he's like i walked to subway and i and i ate sandwiches and i lost and you're like that's not true but we all bought it because we're idiots i know when he pulls those pants out you're like who can argue with that that guy's pants were so much bigger he was circling school zones that's where he lost the weight just getting his cardio and going from one from one kindergarten to the other did you see the documentary about him? I haven't. Is it good? It is.
It's amazing. I got to watch it.
It is. Dude, he was way more sinister than you think.
Like he apparently. So the reason that the whole story broke, he went to a school assembly.
He was going to assemblies in schools and like at the height of his, you know, prime or whatever. And he to kids like he's barry sanders in his prime but he he was in a school auditorium and he was with a lady who like was like the local news lady and they did like a little speech he was like kids you got to eat healthy blah blah blah and she was doing her thing and then he went and sat down he was god damn i'd love to fuck one of these kids just to the lady and she was like what what this is all according to her she was the one who broke the story and then so she that was a heat check moment for him he was like man i'm getting away with this for so long let me see let me see because that's what they do they like try it's like serial killer shit where they're like they'll go back to the scene of the crime it's like that cockiness yeah of getting away with it i mean dude yes for sure but it was like it's such a weird thing to do because then I guess he was putting a feeler out for her because then she, this is where it's kind of suspect for her, but she was like, she was a journalist where she was like, I want to kind of get, this is a huge story.
If this guy potentially really wants to fuck kids or if he's just like fucking around and is the funniest guy ever to like, just step down and like, I don't want to fuck one of these kids. But then she started like pretending to be his girlfriend and they just drew all this stuff out of him get stuff out of him and i don't think she ever said she had sex with him but she would be like they would have like phone sex where she'd be like what were you talking about and he was like i just think i want to fuck you and he like admitted to doing it and like the his manager and him were fucking kids like and then like it all culminates and she's having imagine finding you have that in common with your manager that's such a weird because i was like pump my my agent's a nicks fan but like i mean you're like you're into that that's fucking great yeah there's it's a funny icebreaker to like see kids like man kids man they say the funniest thing you see the switch on that kid actually like yo bro i was actually gonna bring it up you do really have to ease into that like that's a good looking kid that kid's cute if you were into that the kid's really cute I think that kid's really cute too eventually you're like I'm so glad we met we should hang but dude it all culminates in she has a birthday party for her own kids and uses them as bait.
Yeah. And it's like, he's like, she's like, my kid's coming.
I'm so into this. Oh my God.
I want, and he's like, I'm going to come fuck your kid at the birthday party. She's like, sweet.
Perfect. And she's working with.
So she has a kid. Yes.
I think she had like two and she was using them as bait and she even went to the FBI. He was using her for these kids.
Work both ways. It was quick pro quo.
Yeah. But she went to the FBI like, dude, I have this guy on tape saying he fucks kids.
And they're like, that's illegal. You're not allowed to record him like that.
And that's why they set up the birthday party. And she had a wire on and everything.
He basically wanted a kid, which is monstrous on the kid's birthday. It'd be like, I'm going to come to his birthday party after he opens his presents.
And I'm going to smash. And it was like, damn, bro.
That is a bad birthday. That is a bad birthday.
That's a bad man. And then.
But yeah, eventually, like he kind of gets cold feet, but then they get him anyway. He like cops the crime.
He like, dude, he was a monster, dude. This episode is brought to you by Max.
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Crazy. Yeah, he was that bad.
Yeah. And he claimed it was because he lost so much weight that then his appetite for food just like transferred to kids.
That was his claim. He was like, it's not my fault.
When you lose weight like I did, you come hypersexual. And he's like, I just wanted to start fucking kids.
Damn, so Subway really is bad. Yeah, Subway.
I mean, you're like, yeah. He should have been blaming it on the hoagies.
It was fucking hoagies, dude. I never wanted to fuck kids.
That bread, dude. Bread fucked me.
That's not real bread. I knew Subway wasn't going't be trusted when they claimed that was avocado dude true that was yeah that's not avocado yeah it made me want to fuck yeah but dude he got uh yeah he i like explain that documentary at like a fight like someone brought it up like jokingly and i'm like you know the real story that i gave like and they were like people's wives like dude please stop i don't want to talk about this kid getting just batting down on his birthday party.
It is tough when you bring that to... You gotta know the audience for that.
I know. It was like a nice campfire setting.
We're all sitting around. People were having sangria.
And I'm like, you know he was gonna fuck a kid at his birthday party. They were like, alright, that's enough of that.
I was like, I'm sorry. But it's tough because it's been pushed into the mainstream.
It is a Netflix thing, or HBO or whatever it's on. It was, yeah, yeah.
So it is tough when you're just hanging out at a nice little party. You get a skewer in your hand.
You're like, John Bonnet Ramsey? You see that? It's crazy. Yeah, true.
Yeah, it has been pushed in. The heinous murders are great.
That stuff never ends. Heinous murder footage is like, people love that.
It's endless. I mean, the CEO from fucking UnitedHe fucking united healthcare you saw that yesterday what happened with that i mean a guy with a silencer talk about bad branding they got him in starbucks right before what yeah he's have they got him on camera and starbucks ordering a coffee what'd he get i don't know definitely not tea yeah no no not a tea drinker that's you need some caffeine to an execution.
Yeah, it's like a caramel macchiato. Well, maybe a refresher.
Maybe he got like a watermelon citrus refresher. Just carried out a...
Did he went to Starbucks before he murdered him? Yeah, that's... Run with that if you're dunking.
True. Run with that story.
Like, hey, we don't... We don't sell shit to guys like that.
We don't like that. That's bad stuff.
That would be funny to just call it murder juice.

You don't sell murder juice. Well, they had the murder

ball, remember? Or the medicine ball. I'm fucking

it up. By the way, we're such idiots.

We're like, it's a secret menu thing. The medicine ball

when you're sick. It's just sugar.

It's just probably awful

for you when you're sick, but it's

tart enough that you're like, ah, it's helping my throat.

Wait, Starbucks has a secret medicinal

beverage? Yeah, it's called the medicine. Is it in the medicine bowl? What do they call it now? But it's just like lemonade and a shitload of honey and it's probably just an insane amount of sugar and you think it's helping because of all the honey, but it doesn't do shit.
Yeah, I'm going to go puke on a Starbucks counter. I need the medicine ball.

It's,

yeah,

that's,

you got to be pissed if you're,

if you're,

if you're Howard Schultz.

Bad for Starbucks.

I mean,

they definitely,

they had their,

they had their scandal,

I think like three years ago,

they like kicked the black guy

out of there.

Oof.

Yeah,

Starbucks,

the employee kicked the black,

he wasn't,

he didn't buy anything.

He was having a business meeting.

He was talking business

and they fucking,

they kicked him.

But they never kick anyone.

I know, it was pretty nuts. That feels personal.
It does feel personal. I go in there all the time to pee, and I don't get anything.
I mean, you're in there trying to sign someone up to a pyramid scheme. They're like, get the fuck out of here.
We talk about a business opportunity. And they fucking kicked him out, and it was a huge deal.
It was in Philly. Damn.
That Starbucks came under massive fire, and they had to come out. The CEO has to come out and like we don't we don't like that at all it's so stupid too because they would do they did that thing years ago at starbucks where they're like let's have a talk about race remember that ad campaign they did and we're like what are you what are you doing because they kicked out a black guy they had to do it that's so stupid now they have murderers yeah that's what happens they're like oh they're kicking out black guys i'm gonna get a coffee before i murder someone this is a perfect place for me coffee does it really is great drinking a coffee and murdering somebody would be pretty sick yeah i think it'd be pretty nice you're like heart rates pouncing as you go away you're like god damn i shouldn't have that second shot of espresso that was too much that was way too much yeah i'm freaking out no i also i feel like just murdering someone would wake you up though though.
True. That would probably get your heart rate up.

I also think, you know, I was a little annoyed that New York's getting bad PR.

They're like, told you New York's dangerous.

I'm like, oh, we have to answer for this fucking psychopath?

Yeah.

I don't know where he's from.

Yeah, and that's also not like, you know, that's like a weird high-level hitman crime.

That's what they say, but then it doesn't look that professional because they find him on camera.

And if you're a high-level hitman, you're not going tobucks before true that's that's a weird move apple pay no yeah when i say high level i mean it's like killing a ceo is like a high-level murder you would think there was like some powerful interest behind it or maybe it was just a psycho attacking i don't even know that guy who knows i mean it could be a guy who just got who's fucked over more than a health insurance company you know i mean it's like i feel like that's why joker resonated with so many people because in the beginning he's getting fucked over by his insurance so you're like all right whatever he does is kind of fine that's true no that's true i get a surgery the day before like you like your thing lapses and like you gotta pay fucking 90 million dollars you're like you motherfucker we've all been on hold with an insurance company like what the fuck like that's where you lose it true because you know they always i mean and also it's like it's a tough i would that's a job i would not want ceo you're making a shitload of money at the expense of a lot of people who are suffering yeah and that's the whole point of insurance you're taking in more money than you're paying out so you have to make sure you have to try to pay out as little as possible and it does feel like they're trying to fuck you sometimes they are that's that they have to yeah their whole thing has to be a lot of those places are like they have like research about this there's just like 40 or whatever people if you're just like yeah sorry no they'll just be like well i guess i'm fucked then and then there's like another percentage of people who will actively follow up. But then you can be like, well, all right, we're going to sue you.
And like, all right, I'm not doing that. So there's like only a small percentage of people will like know the steps to be like, I got to get a lawyer now.
Like nobody thinks about that or like can't afford a lawyer. And it's exhausting.
They tire you out. If you're sick, you don't want to deal with making all these phone calls anyway.
I mean, yeah, I think about all the time the ways they pretend they're hooking you up. I was at a dermatologist once and like, you know, your insurance covers you like a free chemical peel.
And I was like, why the fuck would I want a chemical peel? And they're like, well, you get it for free. And I was like, maybe I want one.
It's free. But then they didn't cover the fucking medication I needed.
What? So it's like they cover shit you don't need. It's like they know how to fuck you is my point.
Yeah're very good again it's their whole it's the whole point of their operation is to take in more money and pay out less and they're supposed to pay you out if bad things happen but the way they can make more money is to not pay you out and then if you don't know the steps it's like yeah that guy's fucked this feels political now we're like standing back and we're just agreeing i'm telling you we are right well that's a great point it's a great point i actually agree with that we do have to do something about these health care companies true yeah that one guy you know did it not that much that's too much that was too damn loud guys a silencer too is like it also makes you realize how desensitized it's pretty pro hitman dude but you could just buy a silence can you i i sure somewhere. In America, you're telling me you can't?

Yeah, true, true.

It's not that hard to get a gun here.

I thought they were,

yeah, I guess so.

I guess silencers aren't that illegal.

I don't know.

I mean, they'd have to be illegal.

You can't wear a bulletproof vest.

If a cop sees you in a bulletproof vest,

you can get, like,

they can stop you.

Like, what the fuck? I feel like if you're a CEO

of a health insurance company,

you should get to wear a bulletproof vest

for a while.

Like, a little while.

That's how they say

that's the best way to get away

with killing somebody

is opening the door and as soon as they open, just blast them and walk because you don't enter the house you don't leave dna evidence but all the cities now are gridded with cameras like you really can't do that yeah it's weird like we're like close to living in like a minority report type of world where you know it's like how are you it's amazing when people get away. Like, that's why that JonBenet thing was so shocking.

You know, it's like, in my head, I was like, well, I wonder who did it.

I forgot they didn't solve it.

Oh, yeah, they didn't.

They didn't solve it.

It's so shocking.

You watch Forensic Files.

I like the ones where they solve it, too.

I don't like the true crime where they're just like unsolved murders.

It's so unsatisfying. Like, there's a piece of shit who got away.

But then you watch Forensic Files and they're like, thanks to DNA, we caught this guy.

Got him every time. Yeah.
Also, too, whenever I watch that, they don they don't catch the guy i'm like he's definitely right outside my house right now i used to watch those they'd be marathoning them on the road on like headline news and just be like 40 forensic files in the road i'd be watching you know in some fucking motel on the side of the highway just like opening my like oh fuck why am, why am I doing this to myself? Opening that dumb little curtain. You see meth heads.
Yeah, I still get scared. I get scared in hotels all the time.
Really? Yeah, like I'll just hear like someone else's door bang and I'm half asleep and I'm like, someone's in my room. And I just like look around.
I'm like, dude, you're such a fucking pussy. I was leaving a hotel in Omaha a couple years ago and there was a guy, it was like 4 a.m.
early flight. You know, it was like a 6 a.m.
flight out, and there was a guy just sitting on the floor in the hallway just like crying, and I was like, ah, you just don't want to even see, you just like, something bad happened. No, man, yeah, you don't want to see that at all.
That sucks. Would you just walk right by, just wheel your life? Of course, I'm not dealing with that guy.
Anything, I'm going to chat him. What happened, buddy? Best case scenario, there's a dead hooker in that room.
Something bad happened. Yeah, true.
Oh, God. Or a live one.
I don't know. Something bad happened, though.
Yeah, Santa. I was like, go in your room, dude.
Don't fucking. This is what they're for.
Go cry like everyone else does in your hotel room. Don't sit in the hallway.
I know. The public crying is.
And in New York, I don't mind it as much because that city is supposed to break you. But when you see it in a smaller smaller town, you're kind of like something sinister just occurred.
Oh, yeah, true. True, yeah.
Oh, man. Oh, man.
Ryan Hamilton, my friend, has a joke. It was like New York's the only city where you just see people openly weeping.
Do you see it a lot there? Yeah. I could see that.
I guess other cities. I guess Philly, too.
Nah, yeah. Boston.
I think big cities, you'll see it. I did a month sublet in New York because I like thought about moving there a long time ago.
And I was like, man, get the fuck out of here. I went right back to Philadelphia.
Really? I couldn't do it. But the Philly to Austin is an interesting move because it's such a different pace, you know? Yeah.
Yeah. For me, I had kids.
And when I had the kids, I wanted to get out of Philly anyway. And then I was thinking about moving to the outside of Philly suburbs i had this like whole it was it would have been a bad plan i was looking at this like plot of land that turned out to be like a flood plain it was bad and i was like i'd be an hour from every airport and like there was no way i could do stand up there i was like i'll make it work and then i was talking to shane he's like you want to go to austin i was like yes please that would solve all my problems thank you that'd be the best thing ever because that way it's like a decent quality of life and for like kids and stuff and you can just do stand-up every night if you want yeah the club is good man that mothership's cool it is good it's a motherfucking ship it makes me a little nervous how many people are always there i don't like to because i want to do new stuff and i don't want to just like you see these people every few months for me because i'm visiting i'm like i don't want them to see me bombing yeah yeah i like i like the bomb the shadows.
It's true. It is an intimidating green room, too.
It's just that long oak table. There's 40 fucking people.
Yeah, I was silent for the first five months. I would sit there and be like...
It's hardcore. It's like a weird health movement, but also everyone's smoking cigarettes in there.
I know. I did the smelling salts.
Dude, I don't understand why people... I don't know why I did it.
Rogan's like, oh yeah, oh yeah they're good they'll help you no one tells me not to put them right to my face i thought i was dying because i've had allergic reactions before and i was like i was like oh and joe's like he's like are you okay i'm like oh my god i'm such a pussy no it's ammonia that's right your body is you're just smelling ammonia and i don't know why everybody does it i saw i think i saw josh allen or some football player do it on tv and i was like oh i should fucking get me jazzed up for a set and then i tried it and i was like yeah if you're like a pro athlete it seems kind of cool but i i'm not i'm a fucking i'm a you know i'm a whiny fuck who just was like there's better ways to get lightheaded it's all getting lightheaded is cool but it's like you're just i don't understand i see dudes back there just ripping them and i'm like dude you guys just tell me you love smelling ammonia like that like just fucking drink some coffee do anything else coffee's a move yeah do anything i saw a bartender once say to someone she goes do you have any red bull he goes we don't carry red bull you want to you want caffeine buzz we'll give you a coffee and i was like wow the way he said it was so cool i think about all the time just keeping the caffeine buzz he's like red bull bullshit out of my fucking face i drank a rock star last year because i was like tired and i was like i just i was at the super bowl with shane i was like i was i was i don't drink that much so i was like hung over from the day before i'm a total pussy oh with him it's impossible not to be hungover. Dude, I was dying.
You can't be a

casual drinker around Shane. You can't have

you either are sober or you have

14. You can't have two.

There's no middle ground. That night, I had

a lot. And the next day, I'm just struggling.

I'm like, ugh. So I was like, let me get a Rockstar.

Dude, I felt like I was on meth.

I drank like half a Rockstar. And I was like,

I gotta go home, guys. And I was like, laid in my hotel room

like, ugh. I felt terrible.
Oh, dude, I hate that. I i wish somebody stopped me and said you want a fucking caffeine buzz have a coffee there's shit in that stuff i don't know what it is even gas station coffee i like i i just like coffee i i like the ritual of the coffee the the you know the the energy drinks i remember drinking you know when you're young comic barking and stuff i need energy i'll drink a seven hour energy and i'm like even then you're like this is we even heard from them in a while lord knows what the fuck was in that shit oh yeah yeah yeah five hour where they do the shot real quick but then it turned into like seven hour oh it was like that something about mary scene where he's like six minute abs and he's just like what if someone did five and he's like no but they went the other way they bumped up seven minute energy shit.
I think it was seven. Wasn't it seven hour energy? I think they kept bumping it up.
It makes sense. It's also it is a it is funny to just like the term energy just got like appropriated into being like you're just rattling.
You're just like hitting yourself with stimulants. It's like, no, I have energy right now.
It's like, no, dude, you're just your fucking brains fucking brain's wired on stimulants yeah well i was listening to your podcast where you're talking about uh you know just sleep and how important sleep is and you're like oh my god we'll do we'll do anything but the thing we're supposed to do i know sleep is the thing dude i it's i i fought it for a long time because i would get into coffee i'm like super sensitive to caffeine so i if i drink caffeine in the morning i'm i for real have seven hour energy i'm like do you take naps during the day ever if i drink caffeine i can't take naps so what i try to do i like just white knuckle through a morning then i won't have coffee but i will take a nap in the middle of the day and it's like dude you feel so good i've i've never been able to do it oh i love it i can't sometimes i'll just like i'll be so tired that i just fall asleep early or something but like i dude did. I can't nap.
I drink too much caffeine. That's the problem.
If I have caffeine, no nap or I'll take a fucked up nap where I wake up like, oh, fuck. But it's like, yeah, I got the melatonin stuff.
I hate that shit, dude. I tried it.
And then someone told me it shrinks your balls. And I'm like, really hit me with the yellow five.
They're like, yo, you're that stuff shrinks your balls. And I was like, I'm not it.
So I was taking it on the road. Why does it shrink your balls? I don't know.
Andrew Huberman said it. Someone said Andrew Huberman said that.
And I was like, all right, fair enough. He's got to be right.
He's got to know about that. He seems like he knows a lot of stuff.
He's using them, bro. So he's got to know.
He's using his balls a lot. So that guy knows he's keyed in on the fucking ball research.
Yeah. The melatonin gives i feel like you know yeah you get i would take it i started fucking around with it on the road because i'd be like you know i'd be different time zones i get off stage and as soon as i get back to my room to swallow melatonin wishing it was just cyanide just right in my throat and i would like sit there and read a book and all of a sudden you do get like really heavy yeah you've ever taken it before melatonin yeah i yeah i have i have like a powder this stuff i try sometimes called beam and it's like okay it's got all kinds it's got magnesium all this stuff podcast sponsored yeah they sent it to me and i and i they sponsored the podcast i had it too and i and i was like i started buying it because they i was like get me some more that they're like they pulled their sponsorship i was like fuck it i'll buy it like an adult out like elvis yeah but uh yeah no i so that i but i would get nightmares i would wake up like sweating like what the fuck i have nightmares every night and i'd be like that can't be good sleep no yeah yeah that's i took it one time like i was like i'll just take it at like fucking 6 p.m just get like ready for this sleep i didn't realize how hard that shit hits you i did the same thing the beam powder and i was like getting something for my kid and I was like, what the fuck? And it just like hit me out of nowhere.
And I was like, oh shit. But yeah, I, uh, it does.
The melatonin works, but yeah, it's one of those things where it's like, it's just, it doesn't work. Cause they're like, we're not feeling refreshed.
Right? Yeah. I, well, I was like tracking, I was like psycho tracking my sleep at the time and I would get like more deep sleep from it, but I really, yeah, but it's like addictive dude.
Then like next thing you know, every night I'm like, I should take a little melatonin at night. And I was just like, but I've heard that it's not, when they say like two, three milligrams, five milligrams, it could be like anywhere from like 25 to one.
Like it's way off. How the fuck do they get away with it? I don't know.
It's like who the hell is going back and forth and analyzing it. And they could say like these products in like in, like, tiny print, like, but I've heard that.
That's also from the Hughes. And Tiny, I hate Tiny Print.
I know. It's fucking bullshit.
It's fucking bullshit. They fuck you every time.
Apparently, Hughes is way against melatonin. And then I heard the thing about, like, being 20 miler.
I'm like, eh, whatever. And he's like, it shrinks your balls.
I'm like, that's it. Say less, brother.
Are smaller balls that bad, though? Who cares? Yeah, but you don't want to get them shrunken. That's the problem.
It's like, what the fuck? It's just anything that can shrink your ball. It isn't that big of a problem when you think about it, but like, just having them shrunken.
Hey, your dick's looking a little bigger. That's true.
That's actually, yeah. There's some stuff going on.
You're sleeping great. You're sleeping well.
Yeah, it's not a bad point. But there is something about them being, it feels less manly, I guess.
Big balls is a good thing. That's what they say.
Yeah, exactly. And it just, there's something about it.
It's something manly i guess big balls is a good thing that's what they say yeah exactly and it just there's something about something you're eating shrinking your ball like dude the yellow five as soon as i found out about that i was terrified back in the day like yeah you know that's what's the yellow five never heard yellow five shrink your balls there's a food dye it's like the yellow five food dye or whatever the fuck it was called but they were like you're best off just eating as naturally as possible like you know we're that's the thing like when you when you travel for work and you're waking up at weird hours like you're eating weird yeah you're sleeping badly like it just adds up yeah she's usually shitting not the best either a bad gas station shit there's something about that where you're like all right there's something dark yeah especially the worst the bathroom looks to just shitting in it you're just like dude how did i get here this is terrible someone definitely just shot up oh everything's like a little less healthy when you go like in in new york you can eat pretty pretty healthy but then the diner's been destroyed in new york because the you know rent is so damn expensive so you're like i just spent 22 on three scrambled eggs i know it's insane but then you go on the road and just the little things that you don't think about where you're like all right they put like a fucking bucket of butter on my toast yeah you know this is like the hash brown is a little crispier taste everything tastes great but you're like man i don't have the energy i had after this meal that i normally have you know dude i get i i fucking i'm almost pre-diabetic now i was traveling a lot eating out i thought i was pretty healthy you look healthy you look like you look like a gym guy. Dude, I was almost pre-diabetic now.
I was traveling a lot, eating out. I thought I was pretty healthy.
You look healthy. You look like a gym guy.
Dude, I was working out and everything, but I was eating so much food when I was like, it's like, dude, I'm like getting in the restaurant. Because you need something.
You need a win on the road. Sometimes you have a bad set or something, or you're like, just like the anxiety.
I need to do something somewhat self-destructive. And it's like, you know.
And you don't drink, and you don't do drugs. you don't really drink and i you know i have not cheated on my wife so i'm like that's i'm left with nothing but overeating so i'm like well i have to overeat so i would just pig out and like i dude i just i can't for all the vices you have though as long as you don't go diabetic but like that's not the worst well now i get to reverse it now i get to have a health journey where i can be like guys i you know i was at 5.7 a1c now i'm gonna try to get down i kind of was happy to learn about that i was like oh cool this is like a cool thing now it's another chapter yeah exactly it's like something i can do and if i can actually get it down under control that'll be kind of fun to be like i got mine down 5.7 is the beginning range of pre-diabetes like like i'm at the door i'm on the doorstep damn my dad has don't go in i know that's but i'm dude i haven't.
I haven't. Your dad is type two.
Oh yeah. Is he overweight or no? He was.
He's like lost. Yeah.
He's got like a beer belly, but he also like, dude, he like, I worked with him for a while and we would do, he was a demolition and we would, on the way home from work, he would drink a milkshake every day. That's how he rocked.
It was like four soft pretzels and a milkshake every day on the way home. And I'm like, dude, I'm just eating too much rice.
How the fuck am I pre-diabetic?diabetic this is bullshit it was fucking nonsense a milkshake i haven't had one of those in fucking forever i i've never seen anyone do that because we were doing a thing where you burn steel and it was um forget that galvanized steel so it's coated in zinc which like i don't know protects it against rust or something so when you burn the steel there was this thing they'd be like yeah you gotta get your calcium so it's like calcium somehow trap zinc this was all like like so that turned into a milkshake yeah then he was like we need milkshakes it's like so we're healthy we can stay this will help mcflurries will help us if we i think the last time i had one we had bill burr on our podcast and we it's a drinking pod so we're like norman's like he doesn't drink we should do he likes milkshakes and i'm like all right so we're like we got to get bill burr in a good mood so it was like uh milkshakes and cigars was the trick it's kind of nice and it was it was a fucking great combo yeah that's awesome i mean of course two nice things of course they you know but they don't always work together you know they never i don't think anyone besides my dad actually does milkshakes and cigars it was nice that is awesome how do you like that he was in a good mood nice we were we were he's know you just don't want to rattle him he's bill burr so yeah yeah but at first we were like uh you know he was like i'm this time to this time i have a hard out like whatever you need we had a friend waiting in the hallway to do the next episode and then at like you know 4 15 his that was four he we're like we gotta get out of here right he's like no i don't he's just like hanging out we're like all right i got a text from mateo lane, it's fine. Don't worry about it.
That's cool. It's Bill Burr, you know? Yeah, that's, that would suck.
Just absolutely drawing his ire and just having him just being like, fuck you. You fucking asshole.
How's your milkshake, Bill? I just wanted you to have fun. If you want to piss him off, just tell him the Patriots Super Bowl doesn't count where Marshawn Lynch should have run it.
That's a good point. He screamed at me for like 15 minutes straight.
Really? Yeah. You could get him on the vax, too.
He's super super freaked out on the vax. That'd be fun.
But you got fucking vax. That would piss him off.
I'm not looking to piss him off. No, I wouldn't either.
I would never call him Bill Fisber. I'd piss him off.
But no, I would not want that guy on my ass. That would suck.
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That would fucking suck. Dude, you were talking about bathrooms.
I read a thing today saying there's now they're saying you got to check. If you're at like a public bathroom, you got to open the thing and look into the toilet roll because people using like, you know, IV using drug needles for drugs, heroin or whatever, are taking their syringe and is like sticking it using that paper towel roll to like clean off the needle.
And he showed a picture and it was just like little poke holes with just blood, like little like blood spots everywhere. That sucks because you already don't want to shit in a public restaurant.
I know, dude. And I got to worry about a needle.
Dude. Yeah.
I don't know why the guy was like, women should be more concerned than men. It's like, all right, I'll take it.
But it's like, yeah. No, I'm not thrilled either.
What the hell? But it's like, dude, yeah. So I don't know what the rationale, maybe vaginas, absorb, I don't know.
But it's like. Well, I'm doing the tour bus for the whole thing.
So it's a lot of public restroom shitting. Yeah.
Because you're like, you know, you can't poop on that bus. Yeah, exactly.
You're not allowed to. So next day, you know, either rec center we go a little play a little ball or we you know that's kind of nice go to get yeah poop there or you poop at the open the thing and just look even if you don't see blood but if you see little poke holes that means people are cleaning their needles off in the you know maybe some internet bullshit but i saw the picture i was like that actually does make sense it bugs me too that these like heroin addicts are like worried about germs yeah true yeah like just do heroin you fucking pussy be a man also yeah it's like you're worried about germs you're taking toilet paper toilet paper roll i'm like let me clean this off yeah that annoys me yeah it was funny in philly when they gave um you know like there's like a i'm sure you've seen the thing of like kensington avenue where it's like just kna and there's guys like everyone's standing outside did you ever see like that shit on youtube what is that in kensington nav in philadelphia it's like one of the biggest heroin markets like i think in the country it's like skid row it's not as big as skid row but it is just the people outside tents like zombified standing out there it'll shock you that i mean this country man like everywhere every downtown now has that yeah except for irvine i was just in irvine recently they have zero homeless people they got rid of them all they do yeah in irvine they offer you a bed and if you say no to the bed they put you on a bus and they're like out of here yeah like i swear that's like that's their policy yeah rudy giuliani did that back in the day in new york did he really yeah they got rid of the homeless people well they just gave them on a train to where i think to the west coast damn so he probably sent them to irvine and then they were like you, you go back that way.
Get the fuck out of here. That's probably what happened.
Yeah. Yeah.
No, that's... Even in downtown Salt Lake, I was...
You're walking by like, holy shit. This is crazy.
Yeah, dude. Everywhere.
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They took the prescription medication and kicked him out. And I was like, oh.
Yeah, but look at these avocados. This is such a nice market.
I did hit him with that. I was like, you got to be honest, dude, though.
It is way better. I was like, just on a level of just enjoyment, it is kind of sweet that they're not here right now.
And he was like, whatever. He wouldn't give that to you.
He was just kind of like, all right, all right. But I was like, bro.
I was like, it's nice you're defending them. You know, they're tents taken up.
But I am, and I think it'd be sad if I saw that part, but the aftermath is nice. It is weird, too, that these tents are being used for that.
Like, you know the guy who designed the tents where, like, this is good for camping. You're going to go on a nice thing, and then you just get people with needles like, oh, fuck.
That's true. You would think, yeah, the thing about, like, the love of nature, and you're out, and you're, like, hunting and living off the land.
It is mostly just, like, emaciated human beings, like, selling each other for sex and it sucks man and a lot of dying in them dying in those tents it's getting worse man you go around although you just find areas where you're like these there are so many people unwell that you're like yeah it's not gonna get better anytime soon no dude and imagine like i mean no one bored. Is anyone born into homelessness now? Or are they just like, what do they do with you then? I guess they take your kid.
Yeah, I guess. I didn't think about that.
You don't see a lot of homeless kids on the street. You don't.
Just the adults. Yeah.
I think they take you. If they see you as a homeless kid, no Oliver Twist.
If they see you as a homeless kid, I think they're like, get the fuck out of here. I would hope.
Because I'm just waiting. Because if that becomes a permanent class in America, that's what I'm kind of seeing.
Where do they go from there? Yeah, they have a new thing. The demolition man predicted everything.
And it's like the sewer people. That might be next.
You're like, fuck, all these. Well, there are people who do live in little catacombs and under bridges and stuff.
And I heard Germany now, they have a crack epidemic. In Germany, it's crazy.
Nothing goes away. They nothing goes away.
They just come back. Now Germans are dealing with like a hard, like 1980s crack epidemic.
Oh, shit. It sounds so vintage to us, but yeah.
I know. Crack in Germany.
And that was like the one place in Europe I didn't go. And I was so bummed because I feel like Berlin is supposed to be sick.
And I've never, yeah, I was bummed I couldn't make that one work. How stand up in europe they all speak english is it fun you know it's fun it's my worst set i killed last year in london and then this time i just was like i think was my worst show there you know i hit like belfast dublin paris wasn't amazing uh i mean the city's amazing just like the stand-up is It's whatever is meh that's my no and then uh what else oh uh amsterdam copenhagen stockholm and uh and oslo were all incredible that's great that blows my mind they can all like listen to stand-up i'm all i just assume i'm like there's no way these guys you would have a lot of fans over there that's crazy it's amazing and they're uh that's nuts it's look you know some some places like blow you away like wow i moved more tickets than i expected here and then some you're like man it's a light show but even the light shows were pretty damn good that's awesome i guess they're pretty happy you're in another you know they're in another country and like fucking beautiful yeah just something fucked up but it is funny when you run into a fan on the on the street that like out of there i saw a guy in in dublin and he was like, oh, my God, you're here.
I was like, oh, what's up, man? And he goes, are you doing a show tonight? And I was like, yeah, yeah. I was like, yeah, I think there's still a couple tickets available.
And he was like, huh. I was like, oh, he's not going to come.
What are the odds I run into a fan, an American fan in another country? And he's like, nah, I'm good. I know.
I was like, well, all right. All right, dude, that's cool.
Yeah, that would be cool to be in another country. Like, oh, that's crazy.
People are like, hey, man, what's going on? You're like, what the fuck? They do a double take because they're like, why are you here? Yeah. But, you know, it's like, have you done Australia yet? I did.
I opened for Shane in Australia. It's pretty cool.
It was cool. It's just the flight is fucking brutal, dude.
It fucks you up for like forever. The way back fucks you up worse.
Yes. Like going there, it's like I just drugged myself.
Yeah. A few muscle relaxers, a couple glasses of wine.
I'm like, I'm fucking good. But then on the way back, I was like, I'm bad for like a week.
I was fucked up, dude. I had like, I had kids.
I just, that was when they were really like even younger. So I like i like we did a show the last night got home at like maybe two or three woke up at five for the airport i don't think i don't think i really even slept and then just i was i can't really sleep on planes that well so if i slept on the way back maybe for an hour or two and i was awake for the most of it and then got dropped off the newark airport and then had to drive this one was in philly i was awake for basically 24 hours and then had to just drive from Newark to Philly.
I told my wife who was like, finally, you're back, you know, all that shit. You don't walk into a happy room there either.
No. I see that with Gary because, you know, who I tour with, he's got a family and I don't.
So I'm seeing he's like, you know, she's like, you didn't FaceTime me. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm just fucking, you know, I'm having a lower pressure.
Watching your kids cry through FaceTime while you're in a hotel room, while your wife is just like huffing. Yeah.
Is might be it's hell. It's the fucking worst.
You're sitting there like, hey, guys, trying to tell you, well, maybe you should talk a little nicer. Maybe it's terrible.
It's it's really bad it's one of the saddest things of like when you travel for stand-up

then eventually you do this they get older it becomes a little better but like when they're

like little and you're yeah just yeah and you feel powerless oh you just feel awful dude you're

like why am i doing this this sucks but you know and you get it but then the thing i always tell

myself it's a good example to work too you know for your kids like you're doing your that's the

thing you followed your dream and it worked out and and your kids will see that when they grow up And that's a cool thing too.

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And that's a cool thing too. And that, well, that's what I tell my kids.
I say, guys, I know you don't like when I go away, but if I were to stay here and do another job, I would kill myself. So do you want me to kill myself? You guys want your father to kill himself? Cause it would be your fault.
We got your babysitter. His name is Jared Fogle.
But it is true. You do have to, there is like, cause I'd i'd be like i should be around more but i know if i had like a job that i hated i would just be miserable in the house so it's like what's better than having you know kind of someone who's traveling a little bit and happy in the house or someone who's there every day like and you're and you got this going so you have other things going on i i think he said a good i i hear it more from female comics because i think women are expected to be like the you know i the mom should be there the mom shouldn't be traveling and i know you know some female comics who have babies or young kids and they're just like you know rachel feinstein is one of my best friends and she was like you know if i if he could he could go to work like whenever he could do like all these 24-hour shifts i leave for like a spot they're're like, they treat me like I'm Casey Anthony, you know? So it's like how, yeah.
Well, when the baby's really young, it is like a biological reality that they do need the mom, like the mom more. You can bottle feed them and stuff like that.
But yeah, that's dude. The mother guilt is like 50 million times worse.
And yeah, you are sure you were in there. You were in her.
Exactly. I mean, there's that, you connection it's a real connection there's actually now i've read in sweden um man the headlines really working in my favor today they're actually applying to everything but the uh there's a movement now called soft girl there's like soft girls now they're called so like there's women who are now rejecting the workforce and be like no i'm a soft girl so either a, what the fuck is it called? This is in Sweden.
Soft woman. Yeah, they call them soft women because you're either a boss lady or a soft woman.
And now there's people embracing this soft woman lifestyle where they're like, yo, work sucks. I'm becoming just like a pure stay-at-home soft woman.
Well, it would originate in Sweden because they're just so fucking liberal there. So it's like, that's what happens.
That's where they'll try out. It's like, this is what we'll try

out, the liberal idea, and if it takes flight

it'll move over to the other Scandinavian countries

then make its way here.

That's where you debut it.

I think they went, well, that's more

there's more like liberal boss ladies.

If you're like a boss lady who's like, I'm gonna

kick ass at work, don't even ask

me to do anything around the house, it's fucking bullshit,

blah blah blah. But now there's a lot of women being like

yeah, this kind of sucks having a job.

It's not as cool as I thought. Yeah, I think

Thank you. kick ass at work.
Don't even ask me to do anything around the house. It's fucking bullshit.
But now there's a lot of women being like, yeah, this kind of sucks having a job. Like, it's not as cool as I thought.
Yeah. I think, you know, a lot of people, they identify as what their job is.
Yeah. They're like, that's how they describe them.
I'm a, I'm a this. Well, that's my thing is like, if you're in a, if you're in a two income household and your husband makes enough and you're still working, that's when I start to question.
I'm like, dude, it's one thing. If you're running a fucking company, you're a boss lady.
But women are like, I choose to work. And they're like a team associate for Verizon.
It's like, fucking why? But what if there's a shady, what if there's a prenup and the marriage doesn't work out? Then you're kind of just relying on him forever. That's true.
That's true. Then he can take your cell phone like get into there.
There are those guys who do that. That makes sense.
That does make sense. I think it's good to have your own thing, you know? Yeah.
I'm more attracted to women who have their own thing going on. I like soft weight.
I like soft girls. You want a girl who just waits for you? Waits.
Yeah. Soft girl.
No, I don't care. If a woman works, I don't care.
It is. I just think there is something like, I don't know, man.
I do think there's something sad to have it put in a woman's head that if they're not working, they're somehow sold out their entire species and they're brainwashed. Working sucks, too.
Yeah, yeah. No, I don't think that way.
But I hear you. It is nice.
I will say there is something nice to have a woman have her own thing. I just don't like the idea of a woman waiting around for me.
She doesn't do do anything and then she's like where have you been like i don't like that energy uh that's totally true because i like her to have other shit like that she's got to deal with i like it's good to have other things you're right no you are right because i would say that is the downfall of a soft girl whatever the fuck they're called the where are you text increased by 500 once you go from a boss lady to a soft girl. They're just dishing off where are you.
I swear to God, when you said soft girl, I thought it was going to be like a trans man, but the penis doesn't work. I realized that because Sweden is so fucking liberal.
I was like, it's going to be something like that. Well, dude, there is something.
Well, apparently, yeah, Sweden is the most liberal place, and that's why they're kind of like, what the fuck's going on? Because a lot of women now, they're like, all right, we laid the path... Jordan Peterson talks about this.
You laid the path for gender equality, and they have more people than ever who are like, fuck that. I'm just going to stay at home and be a traditional wife.
Which, whatever. But that's also...
I guess it's weird if you had a male friend who would do that. Like, I'm just going to like hang out.
You're like, all right. Because I have a friend like that and he hits me up for money and I'm like, dude, just fucking do something.
Do something. Yeah.
He's trying. Is he a soft dad or is he like? No.
He just chills. Dude, he fucked.
He had this woman who like was a hard worker and she like wanted to have a family with him and he was just like, nah, I'm good. And he's just like a single dude now.
Just single dude now. I'm like, dude, you really misplayed your hand here.
Yeah. Now I'm getting like Venmo requests from him.
I'm like, dude, come on. $60.
You got to get your life together. That's true.
Now there's, you did make a strong case for a boss lady. Cause it is true.
You do want kind of someone who has their own thing going on or else they're going to be fucking bugging you. I just think it's nice.
You have another thing. It's know it could be anything it doesn't have to be like a crazy but just have something else because you don't look at the divorce rate nothing i mean you hope things work out but no it's about 50 i think we just came down for 50 to like 48 percent really yeah so that's all right it's high it's still pretty fucking high but that's you know why there's there's a reason people are getting less.
Why is that? Wait, getting divorced less? Yeah, 2% is something, right? That's pretty good, yeah. You said 48 instead of 50.
Yeah, it went down a little bit. It's all geographically.
I think abortion went down slightly, too. Did it really? Yeah.
Maybe people are just being a little safer. Who knows? Yeah, Yeah, I wonder.
Because the saddest divorces I've seen are when people don't even hate each other at the end. When they're just kind of like, eh.
It ran its course. It's just, yeah, when two people just lose all passion for each other.
And it's kind of like. Yeah, you think you're going to have like a season four Carmela-Tony blowout in The Sopranos.
But then at the end, you're just like, eh. Yeah, I've always thought.
Almost dead I've always thought that was the saddest version. You hear people like, yeah, we just one day looked at each other and we're like, nah, it was pretty mutual and peaceful.
I'm like, that sucks. You want it to be like tears.
Kids, that's what you need. The bad ones, you've seen those where you're like, holy shit, they just hate each other.
I've seen people who stay together who fucking hate each other. That makes me sad too.
That's bad. That's bad.
Cause you're just like, you hate going home. That friend who will stay out with you all night.
And you're like, man, this person rocks. And you're like, Oh, they're deeply unhappy.
That's why they're still drinking with me. Like you just like so grateful.
They're like, this person wants to party, but, but they hate their home life. That's true.
That is the one thing where, you know, when the divorce rate is at 40%, it's like, yeah, a lot of marriages, like just growing up, you see, you're like, damn,

these guys hate each other.

So that is a sad thing, too, to like, there's no easy way because it is going to be stressful. But it's like, yeah, when do you throw in towels?

Like a weird question.

Mostly women initiate divorce.

Yeah.

It's mostly women who initiate it, which is like, I've always been struck by that.

But it's like, yeah, maybe women put more stock in in happiness i think dudes are kind of more comfortable being miserable women are like am i happy like they're quite they're more introspective i think women question things more than we do like i i'm happy to just go through life being like i need a joke i need this you know but then every once in a while when you like face your feelings like oh my god like it'll scare because women are just like trained to deal with their feelings yeah all the time we're

not so when i you know i'll just like i'm like i don't i'm feeling something i don't like whiskey

plate you know just like i'll just i'll just bottle it up but you know yeah that's not good

either they're incommunicado all the times with each other about like what's stressing them what's

going on they are good about that but sometimes it can be too much where i'm like dude like well

you're invalidating my feelings they're dumb they don't apply to the problem they're just getting

in a What's stressing them? What's going on? They are good about that, but sometimes it can be too much where I'm like, dude. Well, you're invalidating my feelings.
They're dumb. They don't apply to the problem.
They're just getting in our way. Turn it off now.
Cram it down and fucking deal. Yeah.
But you are kind of right. I think they...
I've talked about this before, but one time I was with my wife and she was freaking out where it's bedtime. She was just panicking.
I could hear her breathing weird. I'm like, the matter and she was like i'm like just tell me what's wrong dude she listed a rapid fire response of like six problems at once that had like sub problems about like this person and i was like stop right now it was so fast and it was just like it's so organized yes it was like this interconnected web of like this person that and this happened and then they thought this and that and i was just like, I was like, alright, I don't ever want to glimpse into that ever again, but I was like, that's, I feel for you.
Was it a work problem or just like a home problem? I don't even remember. It was more of like a friend group slash work thing that she was freaking out.
Oh, dude. It was like...
You watch these, I don't watch them, but some of my girlfriend will have these like Real Housewives shows on, and I'm like, you're just manufacturing problems. i know that they're like fake and they're written and stuff but these people just the idea of these people who have nothing going on they're like this person didn't invite me to a party and that's like an arc yeah and you're like that's your life that is that's a that's like a punch in the stomach in girl world though you have a party that's true you have a part but sometimes it's even less than that someone's like they this person like cut me off or was rude to me and you're just like all right yeah hold the grudge you're right the party thing is actually that was a bad example no but no that doesn't make sense though it is it is dumb but it is like that's a uh that is a thing since women don't like it does suck to not get invited to a party i don't want to go but i do want to be invited yeah man like i don't want to go to weddings ever but like when i don't get the invite i'm a little like that's a bummer i get kind of sad as well i'd really like not like to go to almost anything but if i don't get invited you just want to be thought of you don't actually do it you just want to it's almost like at a certain point the consent is better than the sex yeah we're like that woman was like that woman would fuck you and you're like what that's amazing true just go home and you jack off and you're like who cares exactly i don't need the fucking sex i don't want to yeah i don't want to keep the fantasy in my head.
Yeah. The sex would ruin it.
The sex would, she would be like, oh, that was horrible. And you'd be like, oh, fuck.
Yeah, that stinks. But the idea that it could have happened, you're like, oh, fucking.
Yeah. I, that's a, I always wonder.
It's like, especially when you're, when you're, before you're married, you do like, you're like, all right, I'm going to have sex. It better be good.
And now I'm just like, I don't, I'm not, I mean, if it's good, it's great. But if I could, if she'll just let me in there i'm like thank you man yeah now you get to the point i just get like sad and resentful about that now i'm like that is actually nice you not wanting to have sex and letting me do that anyway i'm like that's thank you for that it's considerate that's very nice i mean it's very nice of you didn't have to do that next time show some little more fucking spirit all right i'm dating someone i was walking back to the hotel from the comedy club last night and some woman was like oh my she was like so excited to see me.
I was like, oh, what's up? And I was like, well, if I was, she was like, I'm dating someone. I was walking back to the hotel from the comedy club last night and some woman was like, oh my, she was like so excited to see me.
I was like, oh, what's up? And I was like, well, if I was, she was like, I'm a big fan. I was like, oh shit, cool.
And we were talking a little bit. She was attractive.
And I was like, man, if I was single, I would try to have sex with her and I would lose a fan. I might as well just keep the fan.
True, true, true. I'm better at comedy than that.
That is really dude that is yeah i've never seen i've always been married i never got to like sexually interact with my family how long have you been married five years okay so i've been married i didn't get it when it was like good really i feel like because i i was always just so quickly out of a breakup and it was just like i was too sad or i like when you know uh or i would ruin it i remember I remember I fucked an older woman in Portland once, and I was so sad after a breakup and it was just like, I was too sad. Or I like when, you know, uh, or I would ruin it.
I remember I, I remember I fucked like an older woman in Portland once. And I was so sad after a breakup where she's like a divorced woman.
She had a really nice house. And, uh, right after I came, she was like, what's wrong? I'm like, nah, I just missed my ex.
And, and then she was like asking about it. And I was like, I'm sorry.
It's just like very fresh. And, uh, and she was just like, well, it sounds like she doesn't want you back.
And I was like, She might. We got into an argument about her.
I was like I'm sorry it's just like very fresh and uh and she was just like well it sounds like she doesn't want you back and I was like she might like we got like an argument about her I was like it could work and I was like wow this is like the worst one night stand ever I suck that is there is something cool though about like the divorce lady energy oh she was like those ladies are out there oh my god I love it like fuck your ex she says like a million dollar house yeah she's like yeah things don't work out kid you know i haven't seen my kids in six months they fucking hate me yeah that is kind of funny to be like don't she doesn't want you i know she was right oh really she was definitely right but i mean i wasn't ready to hear it i was still sad yeah and you're just trying to numb yourself on the road it's like any way it's like i'm saying you're're trying to avoid the feelings but you have to I've gotten better at just feeling when I'm sad yeah true or you know what you were saying in that podcast the other day like just forcing yourself I'm not like working out hard but I'll go to the gym and you get a little boost you know do something yeah yeah no that helps me I've been good at that like I've been trying to do a thing where I just like if I'm in a hotel my first instinct is like I'm just gonna to watch porn and jerk off because otherwise I can't fall asleep otherwise and I've been like

forcing myself to just lay in my bed and just

feel whatever that feeling is of like

before that I could just would go away

if I just jerked off. I know

what you mean. It's so tempting.
It's like made up

perfectly for it. It's crazy

and I'm like what is going on in me and then I like

and I'll sit there and feel it. I'm like I'm like

I can just fall asleep naturally and then I will actually get relaxed and then i'll just watch porn and jerk off i'm like oh now now i'm really gonna fall asleep the exact same thing last night the only difference between me now and me and like in my 20s is i uh i read afterwards oh i had my book with me i was like i'll read i'll read a few pages then i'll fall asleep that is yeah like nobody needs melatonin i still watch porn and jerked off but i you know I read my book with me. I was like, I'll read a few pages, then I'll fall asleep.
That is, yeah. Nobody needs melatonin.
I still watch porn and jerked off, but I, you know. You read your book.
I read my book. That's, dude, that is, the melatonin company does not want you to hear this.
But yeah, you watch porn and then read a book. You could do it.
You do not need melatonin. You get sleepy.
You do. I read every night before bed.
I love it, man. What are you reading? Right now, I'm reading a book called Money and the Meaning of Life.
That of life that's like it's pretty good it's this professor talk he's like a comparative religion professor who just like yammers on about like how money is like central to like just like it's so deeply embedded in people's psyches and how it's like we're pretty unique in that regard as like a civilization because it's like relatively new i guess and he just says like how you just need like to come up with a way in life that like money's always going to be important if you try to tell yourself it's nothing you're just fooling yourself because it's like you're when you put like a lesser or base desire you try to banish it from your consciousness it just becomes wild and then just like goes crazy and like goes out of control so his whole thing was like just try to make money the second most important thing in your life because he's like it's probably the most important thing for pretty much everyone it's understandable that it is but it's like you can make it the second most important thing he's like that's an amazing achievement that's true and family will be your number one no me no yeah anything family just anything anything you're doing it gets into the gift economy how a true gift yeah never stops moving like you're like it's like there's like a i don't know but but yeah he's like if you can make it second most and it's like you know money's tied in with all of your other kind of like creaturely concerns or he's like if you can try to somehow make that second most important he's like amazing achievement that's pretty it was a good boy it's a good lesson yeah sometimes you just need to be reminded of things that we kind of already know yeah exactly you kind of know it but a guy's just like put it's it's with everything it's like fuck sometimes you just see a comedian you're like oh yeah i'm just supposed to be funny yep somebody just it's just so simple like you see a the most obvious message in a movie or book and you're like why did i i know that but why did i lose sight of it all the time yeah it happens all and that's what he was saying he's like when you try to banish these things from your consciousness they just kind of work in the shadows and just take right over again without you even knowing. But yeah, that's, that's helped me a lot in standup is I used to always fucking panic everywhere.
I'd be like, Oh fuck. Now I'm just like, there's people here.
They want to laugh. I'm going to do my best.
You had anxiety to perform. You mean? Yes.
Math all the time. Yeah.
All the time. Yeah.
Yeah. I would just sit there and go, Oh, I dread it.
I get really in. And then I'm on and I feel fine.
Once I get the first laugh, I feel fine. But like, yeah, I dread the waiting.
Yeah. A comic before me could run the light by two minutes.
I'm like, oh, you're killing me. Get the fuck off.
I just want to fucking go on. I know.
Yeah. I've like relaxed a lot, but if I'm in a new scenario, like when I moved down to Texas, I had to go to the mothership.
I was just like, it's a new, you have to prove yourself all over again. Yeah.
And I mean, a lot of people know you, but you still have to, you feel like you have to prove. It's true.
And I had, it was like like it's a new you have to prove yourself all over yeah it's and i mean a lot of people know you but you still have to you feel like you have to prove it's true and i had it i was like working on pretty much newish material because i like did the special and like i was like still trying to like build up like an hour so i was it was like i was just shitting myself the whole time but it's like now now i've like tried to take myself out of the equation as much as much as i can just be like i just these people want to laugh i'm to try to make them laugh and if I don't do well it was a valiant

effort and I'm not going to like freak

out or be like you're a fucking piece of shit

you know like that stuff is bad I used to always

think like it's always it's one

set it's not going to change my life in any way

if you get a new joke cool but like

this I'm not ruining myself

over this set yeah although Michael

Richards might have thought the same thing

you never know but

everyone says

the n-word a bunch to strangers

there's no over this set. Yeah.
Although Michael Richards might have thought the same thing. You never know.
Everyone says the N-word a bunch to strangers in the crowd. Luckily, camera phones aren't a real thing yet.
Wait a second. Yeah.
You should have had the yonder bag, dude. Yonder bag's so important.
Yeah, Chappelle has it to protect material. Other comics are like, I might have a racist tirade.
I just need... No, i i really do feel that way like nothing really that bad is gonna happen you know like you just give them the best show you can especially when you're like really you know you're working on stuff and you're building and hopefully the crowds now are sophisticated enough to understand like how we have to do this so they know you know they listen enough podcasts and stuff or you're doing your show on your tour and you're like, this is where it's at right now.
I hope it's good enough. But like, it'll get there, you know? For sure.
You still get those psychos. Like, so you're going to do the same thing on the next show? And you're like, yes, I am.
Get the fuck out of here. Do you like make it up every time? You're like, no, dude.
What the fuck do you think I am? I know. People think that.
I know. Isn't that crazy? They're like, so you're going to do like, what are you going to do for the next show? Just like something totally different? I'm like, oh.
Well, you do. I mean, look, there are moments where we're riffing.
So they think that I know isn't that crazy like so you're gonna do like what are you gonna do for the next show just like something totally different I'm like oh well you do I mean look there are moments where we're riffing so they think that maybe the other stuff there are moments where we're like you know at the end of the show I'll fuck around with the crowd I'll like scream at a current event I'll try to you know or I'll do whatever say that's kind of fun stuff like that just to because I get bored with the material anyway but like yeah the fact that they think it's all off the dome is insane it's crazy but that would be so fucking and i mean i've seen there are dudes i think rory scovel would do some shit like that he did a whole special where he just went completely off the dome he's he's a different breed though in that way i think that normal comics you just can't no i would i don't know that would be it'd be a fun experiment but it's also like but it would do a disservice like can you imagine like chris rock off the dome opposed to like seeing his I want to hear his polished stuff yeah true yeah true it's one of those things that sounds cool but you'd also have to tell the audience that way they they're bought in so they're not just kind of like what the fuck is this guy doing I know but well dude I think you crushed it man I think we're at an hour thank you so much so fun yeah it was a blast it's the most we've ever spoken I know yeah if you're in new york you gotta come by ours you know please that'd be awesome yeah yeah this is what i it's i've been video recording my basically first time really meeting people it's really sweet it's really cool it's really awesome dude thank you man what do you have do you have anything you want to yeah you know i'm on tour like crazy start in january i got you know some clubs to warm up in like san Liberty and, uh, Liberty Township, Ohio, which is like somewhere near Cincinnati, I think. And then, uh, and then Pittsburgh improv.
And then it's just like all theaters going forward and we're doing the bus. So it's like Charlotte, Richmond, DC, Philly, uh, you know, Tulsa, fucking Austin, Dallas, West Coast, every city.
So it's just samrell.com slash shows and if if you don't see it it'll be there you know it'll be there in the fall i'll come i'm coming everywhere so that's cigar i'm so jealous of his tour name i'm coming everywhere is that what it is that's what he called like what a great tour name that is pretty good but uh yeah so it's just my my. Go to shows.
And I'm really coming to every city.

And it's a new hour.

And I feel like it's getting there.

It'll be good by then.

Hell yeah, dude.

You better get the fuck out there and go there, dude.

And we got our whiskey, Bodega Cat, which is going to be me and Mark Norman's whiskey.

I brought you a bottle.

It's good stuff.

It's everywhere in New York now.

It's going to be everywhere here soon.

So I'm pulling. Fuck yeah, dude.

That's awesome, man.

Hell yeah.

Well, thanks for coming, dude.

Thanks for having me, dude.

Appreciate that.

Thank you, guys. That's awesome, man.
Oh, yeah. Well, thanks for coming, dude.
Thanks for having me, dude. Appreciate that.
Thank you, guys.

Love you guys.

Goodbye.