Ep 533 - Log Cabin (feat. Jeff Dye & Lemaire Lee)

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, Wes.

Speaker 1 She's going. And we're live.
Jeff Dye, thank you for joining the podcast. Thanks for having me.

Speaker 1 Dude, I'm telling you, standing podcasts are the future. This is enough of this sitting.
Enough sitting and talking. I think it's giving, it's just podcasters are getting lazy.
I agree.

Speaker 1 Podcasts are more important than ever, dude. After this election, nailed it.
Also, most of us are stand-up comics. That's what I'm saying.
Standing. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 Do you rock the stool at all on stage? Never. Me either, bro.
You know what that stool is? It's a tiny fucking table for my drinking set list. That's a lot of seat.
It's not a seat. Maker table.

Speaker 1 I agree. I think it is.
Some people like the stool. Some people like the stool.
I could never, I couldn't even. Some people love the stool.
Some people love the stool. But

Speaker 1 I couldn't imagine sitting like that. You know? It also seems so arrogant when a comic sits down.

Speaker 1 But it can play. It can play well if you sit on the side.
If I lecture a few young comics, I'm going, what are you doing? Get your fucking ass up.

Speaker 1 What do you do to talk about jerking off and you're sitting?

Speaker 1 True. If you're a fat black guy, for some reason, it's just like it kind of works.
Right. Sit on on the stool.
You also have a towel. Patrice waited 20 years before he sat on the fucking stool.

Speaker 1 True, true. It is a pretty nuts move.
Are you guys telling me to stand up? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay.
No, you just, dude, that was just, you're just being, dude. You're being.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that seemed like we were just projecting on it. No, Le Maire.

Speaker 1 These fat black guys always sitting.

Speaker 1 You're doing a good service for us right now because we usually have a third podium, but we already established all everything. And I'm like, Le Maire, it killed him.
He wanted to be standing with us.

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 1 Well, also, what do you think about these becoming a part of stand-up comedy I mean you might introduce that how nice would this be it's clear you can still see what's going on you can have all your stuff I like well I'll throw a laptop under here sometimes access all my stuff and think about how poignant it would be to walk out in front of the podium now it'd be like very yeah man oh yeah you're like I have something to say you know like with your you know they can still see you I can be like and then yeah

Speaker 1 also I never know what to do with my other hands I know that's a wheel feral thing like what do I do with my hands but have you noticed like even your boy it's very it's like he's always on the thing uh like I do it behind my back that I hate I hate that I do that you're a magician I hate that I do that I'll see videos to myself like I fucking suck why am I doing this I've been doing this long enough I should know what to do with this hand yeah I do I for a while I stopped doing stand-up for a while and I came back and I noticed I was I was aping the double hand with a signature so then I used to have like a power like PC principal just one hand right here one hand by my hand and I've gotten back to that where one hand's by my side and I just kind of move around with this hand yeah I hate the pocket.

Speaker 1 I did it recently. I think I did it on Sunday and I go, what am I doing? Immediately took it out.

Speaker 1 Rogan holds the mic. Hate it.
I think Rogan holds the mic the worst. Like a snow cone.
Yeah. You go, what are we doing? The bottom, the very bottom.

Speaker 1 Like on the actual cable. I'm scared to touch that part of the microphone.
Yeah, I have the connection. Yep, I choke up right around.
I guess it's called the head of the microphone.

Speaker 1 Oh, you do the head. The glands.
Yeah, I try to do it.

Speaker 1 She's like a hip-hop artist. You go, what are you doing? No, I just hold it right in the middle, dude, right in the grip, and I just keep it right here, and I talk the entire time.

Speaker 1 I've tried to do like Mike and the Mike stand kind of talking. That's tough, too.
I started fucking with the stand, and then I, yeah,

Speaker 1 I do the two hands. I've done the two hands most of my career.
I think Gillis is ruining it for us because

Speaker 1 now everyone goes, oh, he's doing Gillis. He goes, I'm just holding the fucking mic.
I don't know what to do with his other hand.

Speaker 1 Two hands, when I'm like really dying, if I feel like I'm dying on stage, I'll throw that other hand on the mic. Just kind of like, come on, guys.

Speaker 1 But yeah, I um, dude, so you did it, you did a bunch of, you were with the campaign with Trump.

Speaker 1 What was that like talking?

Speaker 1 How many people were there? Wait, first of all, congratulations. You got to be able to do that.
Congratulations.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I've never felt better. I've never felt better.
True, man. There's so many things I could talk about on this.

Speaker 1 I wasn't with Trump himself as far as those are like the actual presidential campaign, but there's all these other organizations that do things to campaign. Gotcha.

Speaker 1 You won't believe the group I was with.

Speaker 1 I'd be curious to learn about them. They're called Log Cabin, Gay Republicans.
Whoa. Did you know that was a thing? You were getting gay Republicans fired up? Oh, dude, it was something that's good.

Speaker 1 Oh, they knew what they were doing, too. You're a handsome, tall man,

Speaker 1 I was like, gay Republicans, that's a thing? We're growing, you know,

Speaker 1 dude. Gay Republicans, and they used to hate black people.

Speaker 1 Black people are new to the Republican Party.

Speaker 1 Matt, I don't know if you know that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. Yeah, but then for a while there.
I don't know if you know. I don't know if you know about his work.

Speaker 1 What is this idea that? Yeah, Claire, forget about all of our grandparents, dude? Abraham Lincoln was Republican.

Speaker 1 Slavery had nothing to do with racism. It's free work.
It's a leverage of power. That's all it is.
Money. You go, wait, now I have to pay these fuckers? Look at Amazon right now.

Speaker 1 They just got a money. Okay, I mean, I hear your logic, but I do think when you go, those guys are all the slaves, it's kind of racist.

Speaker 1 That was like a poverty thing. Guess who sold us the slaves? Black people.
Rich black people. Nah, come on, Jeff.
I agree with you. Slavery is the perfect way to build an economy.
Yes, but,

Speaker 1 you know. It's still terrible.
We agreed it's bad and got rid of it. It's fucking sad.
When are we going to let these Chinese ones that we got in?

Speaker 1 When are we let these Chinese children's slaves go?

Speaker 1 There are a lot of one thing at a time, you know?

Speaker 1 There are still a lot of slaves in the world.

Speaker 1 Like I said,

Speaker 1 if you're getting upset, there's some more slaves. There's a lot of slavery.
I love that

Speaker 1 LeBron. Like LeBron James is like,

Speaker 1 the civil rights. He's reading Malcolm X upside down and he's acting like he cares about slavery while he's dripping in Nike.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're wearing the slave clothes. The third world countries, it's not slavery.
It's just there's just not enough money so everyone's a slave by default. Yes.
Like they would pay the job.

Speaker 1 They're like five cents a day. Yeah.
Please. There's just no money.
So it's like they're just slaves by default. Although some of them are probably honestly slaves.

Speaker 1 If you're like a factory guy in a third world, you could probably have like a head stash of slaves and just be like, yo, go in there with my paid workers. Dude, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's a lot. There's still a lot of slaves.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of sex slaves. Yeah.
Like we have, we have sex trafficking in in our own country. Like, those are slaves.
And that's just a leverage of power. I mean, it's sad.

Speaker 1 We all agree slavery is bad, but when people try to pretend like it only happens to black people, I'm like, grow up, read some things. Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 They're the hot potato. They got caught with the hot potato.
They're like the cool slaves. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They got caught last.

Speaker 1 Last.

Speaker 1 For real. It's like, yeah, it is totally dead.

Speaker 1 Native Americans had slaves.

Speaker 1 They did. India, like every place.
I dare you to find me a place that didn't have slaves. Oh, the whole world.
It was a global institution. Yeah, for sure.
That was technically.

Speaker 1 We ended up for less than 100 years and got rid of it. It was ended by the British.
Yeah, we tried it on.

Speaker 1 We said, this feels icky. I feel claiming I'm Christian.
Wait, you said ended by the British? Yes, it was. It wasn't ended by the British.
Who ended it? Who ended slavery? Who chased other ships down?

Speaker 1 Abe, dude, our boy. No, the British, for real.
Like, they went to war. Aren't they the guys just like, they were like, all right, we colonized the world.
Now let's save it. Well, colonization.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like, that's a tricky one, too. I can't believe we're getting into all this.

Speaker 1 This is podium. This is a podium.

Speaker 1 It is a podium. But yeah, I swear to God, the British, like, like Mexico stopped slavery, but they didn't, like, get ships and like chase slave ships around the fucking ocean.
Like, yeah.

Speaker 1 Britain, like, persecuted it. But I also think it could have been, like, we're stopping slaves.
You can't have them because they didn't want anyone gaining the fucking.

Speaker 1 There also might not be anything more diverse than slavery. What do you mean? Well, it's every land.
It's every person. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a leverage of power. Yeah.
Yeah. It's hardly racial at all.
Yeah, definitely. Yeah, it's crazy to be like, it wasn't an age.

Speaker 1 It wasn't can't wait until the Republic starts saying leverage of power next year. Yeah, I know.
I started a whole thing.

Speaker 1 What I will say is working for the log cabin guys, it breaks my liberal friends' brains. Yeah.
What do you mean? Because I'm like, oh, I'm working with log cabins. Like, what's that?

Speaker 1 I'm like, gay, Republicans. And they're like,

Speaker 1 but gay is good, but Republican, bad. Like, they came with their mind around it.
Why are they called the log cabin? I don't know. Lincoln.

Speaker 1 Lincoln Logs. You know what I mean? Lincoln Logs.
Lincoln Logs. Lord is a a bunch of dicks in a cabin.
Slog cabin. They're the greatest group of dudes ever.
They have the best sense of humor.

Speaker 1 And I think they're also new Republicans.

Speaker 1 They're sick of this new shit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So they're just like gay guys all about their paper.

Speaker 1 No, no, they're like the bread. They're all about their paper.
They're just like tired of trans people being considered the same community as theirs. Yeah.
Like that's annoying.

Speaker 1 Yeah, man.

Speaker 1 What do you think? That seems like.

Speaker 1 That seems minuscule.

Speaker 1 You think they're gay Luddites? Yeah, you're saying that this newfangled technology. No, no, they're saying like, why is this guy pretending like he's with us?

Speaker 1 I think they're just conservative gay guys. They're like, we're LGBQ.

Speaker 1 That's kind of it. We're not, what's this new T thing? Why is T here?

Speaker 1 Why is T here? What's going on?

Speaker 1 True. I mean, you know, to be fair, they're losing dudes, becoming women.
They're probably like, as a gay block, this is not all right. Our numbers are dwindling right now.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because it is kind of like, you know, I could see that. If you're like an old gay guy, you can get a total revamp.
Yeah. You know, well, if you get a sex change, you become straight again.

Speaker 1 That's the rules. Those are kind of irritating.
Yeah, they go, now I'm a straight guy. Yeah, this is confusing.
Yeah, you're going to take the log cabin and be like, boys.

Speaker 1 I think the trans thing's really smart. Like, if you're trying to, like, you know, the whole dead name rule.
Yeah. Like, it's not, you like, if you become a woman and I go, oh, I fucking loved mad.

Speaker 1 I hung out with him in Austin. You better not.
They would go, hey, don't you

Speaker 1 dead name me, right? That's the rules. But like, you know, Caitlin Jenner, like,

Speaker 1 did some, you know, some crimes, you know.

Speaker 1 We're talking about the car

Speaker 1 thing. But, like, in court, they could be like, Mr.
Jenner, and they'd be like, that was Bruce, baby. That wasn't me.
Don't dead name me.

Speaker 1 I think once you go to court, they're like, all right, timeout.

Speaker 1 They can do that? Yeah, they go, timeout, and then they can just totally just hit you with, you know, they can call you whatever they do. Timeout.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they could be like, can I do timeout? I'd love to do that.

Speaker 1 You need the official position.

Speaker 1 Damn it. Or even

Speaker 1 can I do challenge flags? Like challenge flag.

Speaker 1 Can we go to someone that can call timeout? Potentially. I like that.

Speaker 1 You could do whatever you want right now. We should adopt timeout and podiums.
You're really going to change the world. I'm telling you, dude, this is

Speaker 1 my world.

Speaker 1 So how was, what was the experience? You did like a bunch of just...

Speaker 1 like so there's like trump is like it's like almost like a mega church like trump is the main pastor but a lot of them have satellite churches yeah so you were just ripping at all these things and you did all i did comedy and just told them what I think about why they should vote for Donald Trump.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It was awesome.
And then

Speaker 1 at what point did they stuff dollar bills in your pants?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, at the end, they're like, we're all doing poppers upstairs. I'm like, what the hell? But no, it is.
It is like jalapeno poppers. Well, dude, the conservative flag has wildly extended now.

Speaker 1 Yes. Where it's like, now it's, they really don't care what you're up to.
If you just at least are like, yeah, we agree with you. They're like, fuck it.
Right, that's why it's great.

Speaker 1 I'm a 2001 liberal, which is just now Republican. Yeah, yeah.
It's pretty much, yeah. That's all it is.
Oh, so you did did a damn exit. Oh, yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 So, where, why, okay, so in 2001, I didn't change any of my views, and you just became over public. But, like, now, like, I seem like a crazy person.
I was like, I didn't change anything.

Speaker 1 You guys changed. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, did you get your flack for that? Because you live in LA, right? Yeah, I get a lot of flack for it.
But also, I didn't get much flack.

Speaker 1 People were just like, that's how Jeff thinks until I endorsed Trump. That's what was over the line for them.
Yeah. They were fine with me being Republican, conservative, Jeff.

Speaker 1 They weren't fine with me being pro-Trump. Yeah.
Yeah. But I feel like girls don't really care, though.
All the girls are like closetly obsessed with it.

Speaker 1 They like message me. They like, they'll like secretly message me, like, hey, just so you know, I think this is bullshit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's kind of tight.
What were you saying, Lamaire?

Speaker 1 White girls love Trump.

Speaker 1 And Latiners. Yeah.
And Latiners. And Latiners, and

Speaker 1 white girls love Trump.

Speaker 1 A lot of people are kind of coming around to him, dude.

Speaker 1 Even on CNN, I've noticed they'll be like, oh, it's the best. This is just hilarious.
He won already. He's not.
He's in the WWE Hall of Best. I agree, dude.
But that's not a guy.

Speaker 1 The only guy in the WWE Hall of Fame I want to be my president is Vince McMahon, okay? Vince McMahon will be the best president. Dude, see, but that's

Speaker 1 wrestling. You guys love wrestling? You guys love wrestling? Yeah, that's our thing.

Speaker 1 That's where you guys are. Our thing together.
You guys love wrestling? Because I know I look like this, but then people go, oh, he likes wrestling? He's actually a fucking.

Speaker 1 Makes sense on a pub thing now.

Speaker 1 He's just big and retarded. No, I love.

Speaker 1 I love.

Speaker 1 I think it's also one of the newest things that's happened to me is like, like, there's a comedy name, like, Finesse Mitchell,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 a great guy. I thought we were friends.
And I was at the laughter. He's like, you've gotten real political lately.
And I was like, why aren't you?

Speaker 1 And he's like, you really? Like, people keep accusing me of like, oh, you're really chosen Elaine. Oh, you've really.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're pandering. It's like, no, it's just what I think.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why does it have to be pandering?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a fair point because a lot of people, a lot of comedians were like, you know, hitting theirselves with all kinds of, like, all the Facebook trends or, you know, Instagram of like, I'm going to put my profile this, that, and this.

Speaker 1 Everyone was doing shit. But yeah.
I did comedy in Seattle, Washington. That's where I'm from.
And every show, every open mic, every showcase was like, Jesus sucks, anti-religion, fuck George W. Bush,

Speaker 1 you know, abortion this, abortion that. I didn't once go, wow, you guys are really leaning into this whole Democrat bullshit.

Speaker 1 I didn't once accuse them of grifting or anything.

Speaker 1 But then I say a thing and they go, oh, look, he's trying to get that republican coin it's like no no these are just how i feel my thing too is like dude it's also i'm in a i i just look at it like a small business owner it's like bro i run a small business i'll go get whoever's money i want to like you're gonna be like you're really making that money it's like yeah okay dude yeah goodness

Speaker 1 but in my mind it's like you feel we're gonna make the money either way yeah right

Speaker 1 but no but i think it's the accusation is insane to me you know like i when i was like saying nice things about barack obama all i got was little pats on the bottom. Like, good job, Jeff.

Speaker 1 Good job, Jeff. You were then kind of, that was like the accepted view of the

Speaker 1 space. Pandering to them, but now that I'm endorsing a guy that's like, like, doesn't think we should cut our kids' dicks off, like, everyone thinks I'm nuts.
Yeah. That's apparently that's coming.

Speaker 1 Huh?

Speaker 1 Or prisoners. We could hack a couple of those guys down a little bit.

Speaker 1 Don't hack them the way they like. Yeah, cup in half.
Yeah, dude, I think it is kind of, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I feel like, I just feel like, I don't know, you shouldn't really worry too much about what anyone else is doing.

Speaker 1 We're just doing the job. If you get paid for it, God bless you.
This is awesome. You know, make your money.
You know, people are like, just fucking bullshit.

Speaker 1 But you're right, though, because everyone was wildly political, being like, fuck this, fuck that. The whole late night itself was just every show was like, fucking...

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're only allowed to be political if you're left. Yeah.
And like, then if you're a little bit right, you better be real, you know, you better be careful over there. And you're like, why?

Speaker 1 I'm just going to say what I think. We're comics.
Who gives a shit? Yeah.

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Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm all about getting that bread anyway, dude. So he's like, you're paying her.
And it's like, bro, I'm getting that bread. Well, like, I'm not getting the bread from it.

Speaker 1 Like, when I do Greg Gutfeld on Fox News, I get $0.

Speaker 1 They pay me nothing. They put me up in a hotel.
Does it change the ticket sales, though?

Speaker 1 You're telling me the biggest show. Oh, yeah, yeah.
No,

Speaker 1 it gets people to come to my show. Yeah, for sure.
So I guess there is a way to make money on that back end for sure. Yeah, for sure.
And would change the demo?

Speaker 1 Are you getting like you getting geezies up there? I get some old

Speaker 1 it, dude. That's the point.
Absolutely. And also, like King of Late Night.
Gutfeld's the king of late night, by the way. When I can give him, he's giving gas money, though.
Huh?

Speaker 1 He can't give gas money, though.

Speaker 1 Gutveld knows. He's the king.
He's putting the king of late night free. You can't give me gas money, bro.
That is fucked up. They don't give me a dollar.
That's crazy.

Speaker 1 SNL pays like $5,000 to host. Well, like, podcasts are free.
True. Yeah.
Joe Rogan's the biggest show in the world. I've never been paid to be on Joe Rogan.
Yeah. But it's worth it.

Speaker 1 I want it. I'll be honest.
Have you ever asked him? Asked him to pay me. Yeah, but hey, Joe, wait.
It's been cool and all me. I get $2,500.

Speaker 1 When Joe replied,

Speaker 1 that'd be amazing. Hey, Joe, my time's kind of too valuable, man.
I wouldn't mind. You get a little siphonie.
You might know you make a lot of money.

Speaker 1 That would be so. Just send a Venomo request.
Just be like, hey, man, I did your whole show. That was a few hours.
I'll need a million dollars.

Speaker 1 But no, yeah, nobody, that makes perfect sense. Yeah, it's just worth it.
You do the things you want to do. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. When Joe

Speaker 1 replies to a text for me, I'm like, holy shit.

Speaker 1 It's like what, like, if we had phones when we were in February, F Gray, have you considered? And like Amber Shoemaker replied, I'd be like, what the hell? There's a girl on the phone.

Speaker 1 I literally am like that when Joe replies. I'm like, holy shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he holds a really unique position in just like, especially, I would say popular consciousness, but for dudes in general, a lot of dudes, I've talked to other people about this.

Speaker 1 People have like a part of your brain that like while you're showering, like, it just goes into a mode where it's like, well, Joe, let me me tell you about this.

Speaker 1 And you start like practicing what you were saying. Oh, yeah.
Joe Rogan. Everything's like dude goes to that.
So if he texts you, you're like... Well, because he's so cool, too.

Speaker 1 Like, I've never, like, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, cool. Hollow descending upon you.
And you're like, holy shit, dude. More like Xerxes.
You think Xerxes?

Speaker 1 That's why Austin's got a little too comfy with Joe. He'll be up in that green room, and I'm like, are you guys not fucking Joe Rogan's here? Tighten up.

Speaker 1 I still get kind of, for real, I get a little shuttered. I'm like, he's awesome.
Yeah, it makes me happy. Damn, dude.
He's getting more.

Speaker 1 Every time I think I've gotten a little jacked, I see him like a month later. I'm like, fuck.
He's turning it to the actual thing from

Speaker 1 the thing from Fantastic Four.

Speaker 1 Just a man made of bricks.

Speaker 1 You touch him, you go, what the hell?

Speaker 1 But it is, he is for sure like an absolute power broker. And it's like, it is tough to like, yeah, not let that sway your interaction because you're like, dude.
Did you play sports growing up? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Do you remember being on like

Speaker 1 oh, real sports? Fuck.

Speaker 1 Played football when I first freshman. That wasn't for basketball.
That was for rugby. That was a real rugby person.

Speaker 1 No, like on my baseball team, like there'd be like an older boy, you know, like on the jet, you know, and then there'd be like a cool, older guy. Like, that's how I feel when I see Joe.

Speaker 1 Like, if I say something stupid, I'm like, fuck, dude. Just said a stupid thing.
Yeah. Like, like, he was showing me his compound, you know, and he was like, this is the cold plunge.

Speaker 1 And then this is the, and then he's like, and this is where I shoot my arrows or whatever the fuck it was. And so then I was like,

Speaker 1 I was like, oh, cool. And I said something stupid about the elk or whatever that was up there.
And he looked at at me like, like it was a question he'd never heard before.

Speaker 1 And then I was just like, I'd beat myself up about it for like the next two minutes. Don't ask stupid shit about the arrows.
Yeah, I actually, I saw the archery range.

Speaker 1 I sat in front of the bullseye and let him shoot an apple off my head.

Speaker 1 No, that's a man. That would be sick.
No, I didn't do that. That'd be sick, though.

Speaker 1 I was like, you didn't film that?

Speaker 1 I'd only have stupid questions for Joe Rogan. I don't think.
Lemaire, you got some, you're cooking with a lot of them, man. What? And they're good.
I think they're good, though.

Speaker 1 Every now and again, just dumb questions.

Speaker 1 What would be the first question question you'd ask Joe Rogan? What would be if it was like, hey, Joe, yeah, you said you'd ask, you got a lot of dumb ones. What would be like,

Speaker 1 thanks for having me. May I have a job? No.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he'd be like, oh, yeah, no. All right.

Speaker 1 What did you ask those NFL players at one time? Oh,

Speaker 1 I can't remember. I think it was Stefan Diggs.
And I asked him.

Speaker 1 Because I didn't realize they're younger than me. I was 30.

Speaker 1 It is kind of weird. It's a crippling feeling.

Speaker 1 I was like, what do you watch on YouTube?

Speaker 1 That's a good question, actually. That's a good question.
Do you think they were honest? Oh, I also said, outside of being black, what else do you think we have in common? That was the first question.

Speaker 1 It's a good icebreaker. That was the first question.
That's funny. That's usually my go-to.

Speaker 1 Besides being black, what do we...

Speaker 1 That's interesting. Yeah,

Speaker 1 the athletes being our age, I always wondered if it was, because I think there's nothing cooler to me than a baseball player. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Or like, like, the idea of Griffey, like, to me, is like, that's God. Yeah.
It went Griffey, then God, then my dad. Like, it was Griffey's number one.
So you're a big baseball guy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did you play? What did you play baseball until?

Speaker 1 I was high school. Okay, sick.
Yeah. I wasn't great.

Speaker 1 What was your position from? High school baseball is pretty serious. George Top? Yeah, I played George Dopp.
That's awesome. Yeah, it's fun.
But like

Speaker 1 when you go, they're going to be young now. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And jacked.
There's like people a decade younger than me that could just beat the fuck out of me.

Speaker 1 It's kind of shitty. Well, if I have a gun, dude.
True. If you have a gun, yeah.
I would fuck Aaron Judge up with my gun, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 1 True, but it's like, yeah, but still, if you hesitate for one second, if he closes the disc, that's true. If he closes the disc, I'd get him while he was asleep in like McNair.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Just start proactively killing all the young athletes. One thing that's cool about being older than them, though, is,

Speaker 1 you know, at least if you're, if, if you're in our world of comedy, comedy's kind of become cool now, which was not the case for a long time.

Speaker 1 You can just DM them and they'll be like, holy shit, dude, like, like, I love your stuff. And they'll give you a take.
Like, that's a better part about being older than them. For sure.

Speaker 1 It's like, now I'm not the boy asking for the autograph. I'm, they think I'm cool.
Yeah. Which is, that's a nice switch.
What's up, kid? Yeah. Where are you at? You awake? I'm going to come through.

Speaker 1 Where the hell are you at? Yeah, it is nice, though. I get blown away when people are like, hey, I'm like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on, man? I got a good JD Martinez story. Do you know who that is? Still plays.
I think he's one of the most, I think at this point, he's probably one of the older guys in baseball.

Speaker 1 No, he played for the Boston Red Sox. I think he's on the Dodgers now.

Speaker 1 So he's been playing for a long time. Handsome guy.
Really, really good-looking guy.

Speaker 1 Baseball players are sleepers, bro. A lot of baseball players are pretty handy.
A lot of hunks out there on the baseball field. He's a good-looking fella.
And

Speaker 1 so this girl goes, You're going to Boston? I said, Yeah, I'm playing this comedy club. She goes, You want to go to Fenway? I was like, I love Fenway.
I'd love it.

Speaker 1 It's hard to get tickets, but I've been before, but I'll take you up on that. She worked at William Morris.
And so she was like, She's like, I left me tickets. I go to the box office.

Speaker 1 I do the whole thing. When I sit in the seats, they're good seats.
And then it says at the top, zero dollars, comped, you know, and then it said JD Martinez.

Speaker 1 I was like, I wonder if that's like related. Yeah, I was like, that's weird.
So then I DM JD Martinez on Instagram while we're sitting there. I go, hey, dude, thanks for the tickets.
This is Rad.

Speaker 1 You know, I've been a fan of you for a long time or whatever. And I just showed a photo of the thing.
I don't remember what he said, but it was something nice and flattering about my comedy.

Speaker 1 And then he was like, hang out after the game. I'll come say what's up.
He was texting you during the game. It was before.
Oh, it was crazy. He just got off.
He was like, fuck, check my Instagram.

Speaker 1 I'm like an eight-year-old. I'll get to the game two hours early, have 75 beers.

Speaker 1 So I guess after, so then after the game, I'm like, this is pretty cool. And we're just hanging out with all these skanks.

Speaker 1 It's like me, my friend Maddie Chimber, who's a comic, and then just a bunch of girls who are like banging the players or whatever. And they're trying to get everyone out of there.

Speaker 1 I'm like, I got a DM to stay.

Speaker 1 So then you're at the front of the nets.

Speaker 1 It's funny, some guy with a clipboard is like, who's fucking this guy? Why are you hanging out? Why is he fucking this guy? It's more like that in NBA games.

Speaker 1 After the NBA games, there's tons of whores. It's amazing.
It's kind of a a cool life, though, to be like a professional sports groupie and just

Speaker 1 it's kind of nice. Yeah, you don't pay for anything or do anything.
You're just lined up like Ubers at the airport. Not a good shelf life, though.
Yeah, yeah, true, true, true.

Speaker 1 There's a new one that just got

Speaker 1 Britney Grinier. She got worn out by a bunch of NBA players, and now she's pouring crying online.
She's in a hijab.

Speaker 1 Wait, this is. We've got to separate that it isn't Britney Grinier.
No, Brittany Reiner. Okay, good.
I was going to say, holy shit, that would be breaking news.

Speaker 1 That was the thing he was in front of. Famously lesbian,

Speaker 1 allegedly trans Britney Griner has been banging all these dudes.

Speaker 1 She's just intersex.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So we know somebody, JD Martinez.
This is the end of the story. So we're at the Nets, and he goes, you know, he's like, oh, man, it's nice to meet you.

Speaker 1 Nice to meet you. We're talking through the Net.
And

Speaker 1 he's like, how do you know? I'm going to use a fake name. How do you know Christine? And I was like, oh, she's the best, dude.
Yeah, she just set me up with these.

Speaker 1 And then we kind of looked at each other like, oh,

Speaker 1 we're both fucking Eskimo, bro. You guys are Eskimo.
It was amazing. But he was cool that I was going.
We're like, oh my God, like it was, because she is a cool chick.

Speaker 1 She's not trying to be our girlfriend. And for sure.
We're, you know, I say our girlfriend. Yeah.
Like, she's not, she's not in her mind going, I'm with Jeff Dye or JD Martinez.

Speaker 1 And we're not going, oh, she's our girlfriend. You know, it's just two grown-ups, you know.
Do you think that was kind of a Machiavellian kind of ploy on her part to be like, I got you. Maybe.

Speaker 1 Introduce

Speaker 1 flex. Yeah, like, bro, don't get comfortable, man.
Yeah, that is true.

Speaker 1 I get, I'm getting exquisite pipe, dude.

Speaker 1 Or trying to make us jealous of each other, so we step up our commitment game. Dude, who else do you think is on that list? For this chick, it could be anybody.
Yeah, true.

Speaker 1 She worked at William Morris and she was like an 11. Like, she was so beautiful.
I didn't really know. William Morris, what is that? I think it's an agency.
Yeah. Okay, I got you, gotcha.

Speaker 1 Okay, so she. Oh, wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 For a second, I thought it was like a law firm. I was like, I think it's an agency.
I was thinking it's one of the big five accounting firms. William Morris and Devor.
It sounded like it.

Speaker 1 They own WWE and UFC. Oh, really? Yeah.
Yeah, I knew they were big because they don't rep me. That's how I know.

Speaker 1 I was like, it must be something good.

Speaker 1 She hooked you up with the tickets. Yeah, it was pretty cool.
It was cool of him and cool of her. The whole story is positive, but it was like a very funny, like modern story, you know?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that is kind of nuts to slowly be like... It's all love.
Ah, no motherfucker. Yeah, it's like, it wasn't like some gross guy that I think sucks or something.

Speaker 1 It's just like, oh, it's JD Martinez. And he's going, this comedian guy that I know.
Were you wrapping it up? Not to ask too much details. Were you going raw dogging?

Speaker 1 They're like, I just want to know how close your guys' kinship is. Oh, yeah, I don't wrap it up.
okay cool it's not my son i thought you were about to say i don't go raw

Speaker 1 no no no okay the opposite so you guys are for real linked that's what's up forever for life that's awesome i dude you look like you wear exclusively red condoms

Speaker 1 yeah condoms are crazy dude i can't do it any adults who use them i'm kind of like ridiculous the fuck i do think it is weird We just started giving them to kids like a lot.

Speaker 1 That was like in the early 90s.

Speaker 1 I just looked into the condom program recently because I was trying to get to the bottom of just like where the party, especially like the left, just went like kind of like a little weird.

Speaker 1 And it's like, whatever. It was like a response apparently to the AIDS HIV thing.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I was trying to figure out like where, when, like, at what point did like, you know, go from like Bill Clinton to like it is now. And I didn't, I didn't, I can't answer that question.

Speaker 1 I just got distracted on the school condom program. I'm like, oh, yeah, dude, that was condom programs are strange.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's similar to the homeless thing where they're like, give them clean needles. I worked at this homeless shelter in Seattle.
We would give them like clean needles to go do drugs with.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you'd hook them up. And I'm like, and they were like, they're going to find them anyway.
So just guys like, I don't think this is a good idea. Yeah.
Just providing them all the shit.

Speaker 1 Like, it seems strange.

Speaker 1 Apparently, they said, I read a book about, it's called Chasing the Scream by, I forget the guy's name, but he, what he said worked is when you do not just the needles, but they have to go to a center and you also give them the clean tested heroin.

Speaker 1 And it takes away all of the other like thrilling aspects where it's like, I got to buy heroin. I got to do this.
So you're like, you're like, here's free heroin.

Speaker 1 It's, you you know, it's almost a prescription. It's like such a little amount.
You mass produce it. And then while they're doing it, you're like, so how's this working out for you?

Speaker 1 And it's like, it takes away all of that. I've been around the neighborhood.
It's not working.

Speaker 1 But they have to do it. The program sucks, dude.
It's more homeless than ever.

Speaker 1 They don't do it here. They did it in, I think, London before, and it actually curbed heroin use.
Oh, God, I wish they'd do it. Giving just needles is kind of like, yeah, it's like.
Lazy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like, it's whatever, but it's like, if you, if you legalize the heroin, it takes away from the black market sales, and then you have them in a center, and he's like, they've done studies that works to reduce the number of A, overdoses by far, and B, people just, they stop.

Speaker 1 Dude, I'm so insensitive about the homeless situation. Like, I used to be like, I worked at a homeless shelter, like, I care.

Speaker 1 And then, like, after 7,000 interactions with homeless people a day in Los Angeles, you just lose all your sympathy for it. I could never do it.

Speaker 1 I knew somebody who was working with homeless people, and I was like, how? That would be because there's no, it'd be like, you know, know, the progress would be few and far between.

Speaker 1 It's exhausting.

Speaker 1 Like, you see, like, like, I think when I make fun of the homeless on the internet or like in my act around these towns, they're picturing some lovable boxcar hobo with like a bindle stick. And,

Speaker 1 you know, they think that that's what I'm, they go, leave them alone, Jeff. No, it is, go to L.A., go to downtown L.A.

Speaker 1 for just a morning. Walk around.
You'll go, oh, I get it. Yeah, these people, it was a lot.
Yeah, nobody, that's it. They need to die for sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's well, it's one of those things you're like nobody is like oh sweet and you see it and you're like oh that sucks dude this is such a bummer there's no way to like

Speaker 1 differentiate either between like the people who are choosing to be there the people who have to be there and then like the people not have to but like and the people who like are like crazy different

Speaker 1 the ill or the drug addicted or yeah 100 some one big circle of people yeah at a certain point it doesn't matter you know what i mean no one's sifting through them like i'll take those guys for today for working you're just you're seeing it you're like there are people i've seen who are hanging They're like homeless adjacent, where I'm like, you're definitely not homeless, but these are like kind of your bros, and you're slowly, I think, becoming homeless.

Speaker 1 So there is like a pajama pants phase everyone goes through where you're kind of like just leaving your house and hanging with homeless people before you get totally sucked into it.

Speaker 1 What's the show me your friends

Speaker 1 saying?

Speaker 1 What? You know,

Speaker 1 something about like a

Speaker 1 five people. Oh, yeah, you are the five people you hang around the most.
Yeah, I hate that saying.

Speaker 1 Because then it just makes my loser friends get nervous. You know, Jeff's going to leave us soon.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I want to let him know I won't. I love you, boys.
I got your back. Yeah, I do.
That is kind of a weird rule. It'll be like, you are the five people you hang out with the most.

Speaker 1 No, I'm not. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, we got to tell my buddy Aaron, like, you're out, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I hang. Why also I hang around

Speaker 1 in the room, bro? I hang around two toddlers constantly. It's like, that's bullshit, dude.
You are.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 They do kind of open up your eyes to some sweet shit, though. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We found our sprinkler system went off and made like a little river, river and we got to like, I just watched them play in that thing. I'm like, it was kind of cool.
Yeah, kids are good that way.

Speaker 1 They're kind of cool to like, yeah. She's like, the water's like, it was going to like a crack in the sidewalk, and she was just like, this is a river.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's not a fucking river, but I'm like,

Speaker 1 I can see why you're kind of. But you wouldn't have cared at all about that.
Like, the wonderment of a child is like the, because I used to go to Disneyland drunk all the time with all my buddies.

Speaker 1 And it rules. It rules.
Dude, you're strong recommend. It is.
But then my buddy once goes, oh, my family's, my nieces and nephews, they want to go to Disneyland. I was going going to take them.

Speaker 1 Do you want to come with us? So I just kind of like came with them. Totally different experience.
Yeah. And it was awesome.
I was like, oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Tease the kids and make jokes and they think I'm cool because I'm an older guy or whatever. I was like, oh, this is like a really wholesome version of what I've been doing.
Yeah. It's better.

Speaker 1 So when you get hammered at Disneyland, are you trying to pick up babes?

Speaker 1 No, I'm just having a good time. Just chilling.
Okay. I'm just curious what's going on.
It's kind of exciting to sneak the booze in.

Speaker 1 Don't we serve it in there? Well, no, you have to go to like California Adventure or go to this one club that's called Club 33 that you have to be like the pope to get into.

Speaker 1 So I'm not getting into Club 33. Damn, Disney World, they let it fly.
You can get hammered at Disney World. It's great.
It's in Florida. Yeah, that's great.
In Disney World, alcohol is abundant.

Speaker 1 You can just get shit-faced.

Speaker 1 Disneyland doesn't do that. You can get dinner and you can just...
I didn't know that. It's part of the rebellion.
True. Sneaking it in.
West Coast.

Speaker 1 How the fuck did you get it in?

Speaker 1 Well, we would like... Take these plastic flasks that would, you know, whatever.
Gotcha. Or

Speaker 1 the way that doesn't work, don't do this. We took like half Gatorade.
Yeah. Like just dumped out half and then filled the rest with like vodka or tequila.
For sure.

Speaker 1 They've seen that a million times, I guess, because they've caught us before we even got to like the thing. They're like, that's alcohol.
We're like, shit. Yeah.
Fuck.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, I will say, having, bringing little kids to Disney World is one of the most tiring. For sure.

Speaker 1 It's like an internet joke of training for Disney World with kids because you have to carry them. You will end up walking like six miles or just getting blazed in the sun.

Speaker 1 There's no fat people at Disney, dude.

Speaker 1 You should have Disney World. There There are plenty of fat people.
Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Not at our Disney.
Disneyland's wonderful. You're just going to walk for eight hours.

Speaker 1 Disneyland's beautiful and it's in California, too, but like you hit Disney World in Florida. There are fats, bro.
Sounds like it's right up my alley, then. Many fats.

Speaker 1 Fat people, you can be hammered there. Yeah, you mean hammered? You can be as fat as you want.

Speaker 1 You cannot move a muscle all day. You can get hammered on a mobility chair.

Speaker 1 Oh, I didn't even think about the mobility chairs.

Speaker 1 You can ride your mobility chair right to a little boat, and it ferries you across into the under like literally the Magic Kingdom. Interesting.
Yeah, there was plenty of fats walking around.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was actually there because I wanted to ask, like, because some of the rides, I'm like, dude, if you're like too big to fit on this, like, what the fuck do they do?

Speaker 1 And, like, how do you, because you could be waiting for like an hour to get there and be like. Also, by the way, it's amazing you brought this up.
Get rid of these

Speaker 1 in front of everyone practice seats where they bring a big person over. They go, you, fat, so, hey, come here.
We sit in this to make sure you're going to, they treat them like luggage at the airport.

Speaker 1 When do they? They'll give them like a practice chair where they'll put the thing in?

Speaker 1 And if the person doesn't fit in it, that means they won't make it on the ride so that they don't want them to have to wait in the line or get disappointed when they get to the front.

Speaker 1 So they have like this kind of like example chair, like you know, kind of like the are you tall enough line, but they do have an actual chair. Are you too fat for this?

Speaker 1 I saw this young man in there and I was mortified for him because they were like put trying to pull the thing down and these like, you know, teenagers that work there are like, yeah, I think you're too big.

Speaker 1 And I was just going, holy shit. Why didn't they make the seats bigger for the Harry Potter ride? A lot of fat people love Harry Potter.
I couldn't believe how

Speaker 1 they

Speaker 1 did he try to suck in and did they push? Was that the suck in and pushed? Oh, he was doing everything.

Speaker 1 And he was also mortified because we're just all waiting in line going, look at that fat kid over there. He can't ride.
He's too fat. Also, aren't there fat characters in Harry Potter?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you're too fat for the, if you're a kid, you're too fat for the ride, they should just make you go get a job. You got to like leave school.
You're done school. You're not a child anymore.

Speaker 1 You should join the army. They should be like, all right, you're in the army now.
Yeah, Haggard wouldn't even be able to ride the ride.

Speaker 1 His own ride. Dude, they got to do something, man.
You know, they got to cut it somewhere.

Speaker 1 It's like, dude, I fly every now and again I'll fly Southwest if I can't get a direct flight and I try to pay the extra so I can get in that first seat so I can sit in the very front.

Speaker 1 You know Matt's doing well. He's like, I used to fly South.
Sometimes I'll fly Southwest.

Speaker 1 Sometimes I will.

Speaker 1 I know, but like the fact that you framed it like that, I love you, dude. Sometimes I will.
I present every time. I don't like to admit this.

Speaker 1 Sometimes I'm on Southwest. I do.
I'm a man of means. It is weird that I'm every now and again flying, but if you get that front seat, it's so good.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I'm like, all right, I pay the extra bucks so I can be, you know, A1 through three. Sure.
I'm going to get the front seat.

Speaker 1 And then, like, every now and again, I'll be watching my guy, you're in a wheelchair, obviously. Like, I'm not saying anything to you.
Then it'll just be like a fat guy. I'll get ahead of me.
I know.

Speaker 1 A medical pre-board. And I just want to be like, dude, it drives me crazy.
There's nothing wrong with you, dude. You're just fat.
You better not take that front seat.

Speaker 1 And I know you will because you're fat and you'll definitely want the extra space. And they fuck me out of the front seat.
I'm always like, motherfucker.

Speaker 1 Also, you're being very conservative saying that it's like a fat guy and then like a guy in a wheelchair. They'll say, does anyone need any extra time boarding? That's a very vague question.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's kind of now it's just two parents with like three kids. You've got a, you know, a guy that's got like a limp or something.
And then there's like a deaf lady.

Speaker 1 You're like, she's, oh, these handicapped people are always going, we're just like everyone else. We can do anything you can do.
Dude, what's with the special treatment early boarding bullshit?

Speaker 1 Dude, if you're here's the thing. If you have a family, I can see that.
You have strollers, all this shit. If you're in a wheelchair, whatever you got to do, go down there.

Speaker 1 If you're like an old person with a cane, for sure, every now and again, I'll just see, like, and I'm not trying to be a dick, it'll just be a fat loser, right?

Speaker 1 You'll just be like a guy who's like standing there in a monster energy shirt. I'm like, bro, you get the fuck out of here.
Also, why are you worried about sounding like a dick?

Speaker 1 I'm gonna better take it to a next level. Fuck all of them.
You're just like us. You don't get to get on there early.
Everyone's taking their time. You can go

Speaker 1 be 56 just because your legs don't work. I have to let you board first.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why does it matter? I don't know. They're not like us, though, Jeff.
What?

Speaker 1 I know, it's bullshit.

Speaker 1 Dude, again, if you're if you're mainly, oh, I'm missing an arm. I have to be on the plane before you.
Who gives a shit? Yeah, that's dope.

Speaker 1 Why would he like, I'll give all missing arms, you go right ahead. I'll give everyone that.
There's just dudes who are just like

Speaker 1 medical pre-board. I'm like, where, dude? Show me your ailment.

Speaker 1 Call of Duty. Yeah.
I got a fucking three, dude. If I missed that front seat, I'm going to.
Just a big fat guy. He's like, I got the sugar.

Speaker 1 So you're like, yeah, but that's a slow one. That takes a long time.
Yeah, I saw this guy recently, and I was trying, I always try to figure out, like, what's your medical condition? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Unfortunately, I was like, damn, that guy's just such a loser.

Speaker 1 When also, have you seen this happen? It sounds mean. It sounds mean, but he got a medical grade.
The doctor was like, dude, you're fucking losing, dude. That's the diagnosis.
It's over for you.

Speaker 1 It's like, just get on the plane, man.

Speaker 1 Just enjoy the little thing. Have you ever had this happen? They do the pre-board, right? Or they'll do the thing they need extra time, right? There's some sort of they need more time on the airplane.

Speaker 1 They're really just hogging the overhead space. and but anyways so they'll get on but then they'll sit in the exit row

Speaker 1 i'm sorry i thought that you were some sort of handicapped person but now you're gonna assist in an emergency you're gonna lead the charge yeah true so that's that's conflicting yeah i didn't even know they did that that's because usually they ask you like are you okay oh yeah southwest is they're trying to get that exit row do you ever save a seat on southwest for somebody when the plane comes on um no but recently yelled at a guy for doing it and it turns out he was telling the truth what was the truth i said hey can i sit there because there's like very few seats left i'm one of the the last on the plane.

Speaker 1 He's like, Hell no. He goes, Well, I'm so.
No, I said, Hey, do you mind if I sit there? He goes, Yes. Instead of just saying whatever that kind of caught me off, okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then he goes, I was like,

Speaker 1 Okay, and he's like, I'm saving it for my wife. And then I was like, I'm the last on the plane.
So I'm like looking around, like, this guy's full of shit.

Speaker 1 So I find like just another one because there's like four seats on the whole plane available. And I'm sitting there fuming, like, fuck this guy.
Yeah, yeah. And he was.

Speaker 1 His wife was like in the bathroom or something. She came out.
And I was like, oh, he was right. Yes.
That is crazy crazy not to be like, yeah, my wife's in the bathroom.

Speaker 1 He was kind of chippy about that. Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I didn't like that. Something kind of welled up in me.
It feels like all day to tell somebody that. Oh, yeah.
I'm going to get somebody. He chirped at me.

Speaker 1 I get spazzed out when people hog up the overhead. They'll just put it in and just walk.
I'm just kind of like, that's exactly where I'm sitting here taking off. It drives me crazy.

Speaker 1 That'll chat my ass. But yeah, I've been trying to chill and play zone.
You can. There's so many battles.
Yes.

Speaker 1 With like lining up. It's like you try to line up.
Someone comes from this way. Yeah, you go, it's a line.
I know. There's some people pretend to not understand lines.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Or people just do the massive, like you'll get like, it'll get people and it'll be like,

Speaker 1 people hit the horizontal line and then it'll just become a crowd. And then it's like, well, I don't want to be like, excuse me, and like edging in.

Speaker 1 And then if you know you're boarding group six, why are you in the fucking way while people are trying to board one, two, three, four, and five?

Speaker 1 Because you want to both six is life or death because then you want to be you want to be the very first person in six because only one of you is going to get overhead space. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So that's where the battle comes in. But yeah, it just becomes turns into a cluster fucking.
They're like first class and then literally there's people just standing there just waiting.

Speaker 1 And you're like, can you move a little, make a lane for the

Speaker 1 lane? That's annoying.

Speaker 1 I think my biggest battle on airplanes is the flight attendants. That's who my battle's with.
They're mean now. They've gotten so mean, dude.

Speaker 1 Why are you angry with us? I don't know. They've gotten, I was on there recently, and my wife, like in the morning, on a morning flight, snapped her nail on accident, like fucked it up.

Speaker 1 And she just asked, the lady was busy doing stuff. She said, hey, when you get a minute, can I I get a band-aid? Like, no rush, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 And the lady's like,

Speaker 1 I'll have to go to the back. And she was like, whatever you need.
Okay. Like, you know, like, take your time.
No rush. You know, get the plane seated.
We don't, this isn't like bleeding or anything.

Speaker 1 And the lady was just like, heavy sigh, does her thing. And then after the plane was all seated, I was like, yo,

Speaker 1 could I get that band-aid, please? Very nicely. Well, where the fuck's our band-aid? Dude, she literally went

Speaker 1 and then walked to the back to get the band-aid. And I was like, whoa, dude, what was the whole that? It makes no sense.
Fuck.

Speaker 1 I've heard they don't get paid until the brake gets released and the plane moves backwards. Yeah, but I don't give a shit when they get paid.
I think that's terrible. They suck.

Speaker 1 Why don't they get paid? They think they're plane police. Yeah, some of them are nasty, especially during COVID.
That's drives me crazy. That was tough.
That was annoying.

Speaker 1 Now that COVID's not happening and they're not

Speaker 1 letting you get that breath of fresh air through your nose, I'm like, whatever. I'm putting it all behind.
They'll like yell at me.

Speaker 1 I'll put, like, I'll check, you know, for the overhead space, I'll open the thing.

Speaker 1 And she's like, if it's closed, it means it's full and i was like i see people mindlessly close these things all the time that's not true there's often a lot of space sometimes i'll put mine in and just close to see if it closes i'll leave it closed and there's two extra you know yeah they don't need to do that i don't understand i guess they're like repeating the same scenario over and over but they still don't have to like i don't understand why like tsa does that yeah be like it's not moving it's like dude you don't have to yell i'm right here right yell at me i i don't know the rules it's a change yeah it's like a disease of like if it's obvious to you you think everyone should know it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know, it's like not everyone flies every day.
True. Some old lady's like, do I need to take my iPad out? And they're like, everybody, electronics come out.

Speaker 1 You're like, Jay, why are you mad at her?

Speaker 1 She doesn't fly that often. They do spazz.
But I'm telling you, it's because when you're a flight attendant, you have to wake up and you're in like a queue. It's like, you just have to wake up.

Speaker 1 You're in a queue.

Speaker 1 I think you just stand at the airport until your number gets called and then you go work. Just like Uber.
Yeah, so you wake up and you're just like chilling. And then they're like, bam.

Speaker 1 Bam, we think if you have like seniority, they'll call you, like, you know, you're going in, but there's a lot of them who are like, just like, oh, I don't know if I'm gonna get to work today, bam, they pull your number, and you're you're like rushing to the flight, you're getting there, got to do all this shit, and then it's if it gets delayed at all, yeah, you're just standing there for 45 minutes on the runway.

Speaker 1 Like, if it doesn't like back up, as soon as the door closes and they release that break, yeah, then your clock starts getting paid. Here's that would piss me off.

Speaker 1 I was at work, and then I had to do all that shit, and I didn't get paid. Everyone who didn't sit down, I'd be like, Well, you sit the fuck down, yeah, but here's the thing, Matt.
Here's the thing.

Speaker 1 Criminals are difficult to deal with, but I won't tolerate a fucking grumpy, shitty, bad cop. And kids are a lot, but that doesn't mean teachers get to be mean to the kids.
That's true.

Speaker 1 And yeah, oh, it must be real hard to be a gay guy or a hot chick that's a flight attendant, but you still got to do the job. True.
This is very true. You're totally right.

Speaker 1 But in terms of hot chicks, and gay guys, I guess, it's got to be devastating. To be a hot chick with an annoying job

Speaker 1 has to suck well they don't understand it they shouldn't have to go what is this best tech but i'm hot best hot chick job because they can fly anywhere for free yeah but dude it ages them man yeah it's so hot that they're in the sky but it fucks you up if you fly that much it's yeah it's going to fucking drain your life force oh it's probably yeah because you're time traveling yeah pretty much you're up high it's fucking with your blood circulation yeah and you're definitely

Speaker 1 gassy you're just looking they're just looking for a husband you definitely got to suck the pilots too do you guys fart a lot when you fly yeah uh well no recently i made the switch yes to answer your question yes I fart.

Speaker 1 Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
To the point now where, like, again, if I'm flying with my wife, she'll be like, did you just fart?

Speaker 1 I'm trying to have a conversation where I'm like, well, you shut the fuck up. Yeah, you just did that loud, honey.
Yeah, I'm like, even like to me, I'm like, look, don't worry about that.

Speaker 1 You grab her arm. What the fuck is going on?

Speaker 1 So now I take shits on the plane. Oh, nice.
If I'm farting, I just go and I just take a dump on the plane. I think it's the right thing to do.
Because I'm not like a gassy guy. Oh, I am.

Speaker 1 But when I'm flying, you start to fart. A lot of farts.
And I'm like so embarrassed. I'm doing the blow thing.

Speaker 1 And a boner. It's a boner.
like you have a boner and you're farting the entire time. Yeah, a lot of boners and a lot of farting.

Speaker 1 But if I catch myself, if I do more than like, well, you know, if I have like one or two farts, whatever, but if I catch myself like repeating it every like 10 minutes and I'm like, I'll just get up and take a shit.

Speaker 1 And it like

Speaker 1 it's kind of harrowing to like go in there and sit down. There's like a lady on like the other side of the wall who's just puffing and puffing over coffee cups.

Speaker 1 You're sitting there like it is weird. Shitting next to her.
I like that little bathroom though on the airplane. Dude, I've gotten used to shitting in them and it's kind of, I kind of like them on it.

Speaker 1 It's cozy. It's cozy.
You're boxed in. You know what you're doing.
It's just all business. You're in and out.
The peeing's a little hard for me. I'm 6'5 ⁇ , so when I pee, the wall's going like this.

Speaker 1 You know, I got to do like a strange limbo pass.

Speaker 1 I can't imagine because I'm only like 5'10, and I'm in a bath. I'm in those airplane bathrooms.
I feel like fucking Alice in Wonderhood.

Speaker 1 I have a lot of cousins who are your height, like 6'5 ⁇ , 6'6 ⁇ . And I'm like...
How the fuck do they even eat? I feel like slender, man.

Speaker 1 Because you know that the middle of the door is like a fold so that the door will open. My knees are right on that thing.
and I'm like, oh, this will be a shitting might be impossible for you.

Speaker 1 You might not be able to shit in there. I've shit in there, but it's like, it'd be like my worst nightmare if that just pops open.
The people waiting are like,

Speaker 1 that'd be so sick. I walked in on somebody one time, they didn't lock the door.
I walked in on a young, young lady who I believe had just gotten her period. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 And I walked in and she went, ah, and I just slammed it shut. I had the flood attentive grilled me like, you fucking pervert.
And I had to be like, dude, I just opened the door. It's not my fault.

Speaker 1 It's hot. I just

Speaker 1 opened a fucking door, and then she was like, She came to her senses and was like, Yeah, actually, that's it's kind of on her. And it was, it was a big deal, bro.

Speaker 1 She left a fucking glob of toilet paper. Oh, that's why

Speaker 1 I had to come out because I followed her up, and I had to come out and be like, Someone's got a tail. That wasn't me, by the way.
Yeah, I'd be like, Yo, I didn't do that.

Speaker 1 Uh, there's a bit of a situation over there, and it was like a big deal, and like another girl made a big stink about it, and like, dude, it was, I felt bad for a little girl because another girl came out after me and was like, Ew, someone got their period in the bathroom.

Speaker 1 And I was just sitting there like, Holy fuck, dude, that sucks. That's rude.
That was rude. But if she was a young girl,

Speaker 1 ew, someone just got her period in there.

Speaker 1 That'd be hilarious if they're like, Matt had his period in there.

Speaker 1 I didn't know. I could have been like a hemorrhoid.
It could have been like a popped hemi. I didn't want to get like that.
You'd be like, this guy does fucking have like an open sore. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just wanted to come out and be like, by the way, I went to lady. It's like, that was not me.

Speaker 1 What a legend.

Speaker 1 He made having a popped hemorrhoid sound cool.

Speaker 1 He was able to go, I didn't pop a hemming, you know what I mean? He could have made it sound rad. He could.
It is fucking rad. Damn, that guy's got fucking nasty hemorrhoids.

Speaker 1 Like, nope, that was a young girl getting her period. I just popped a hemi, dude.
I used to. We both popped hemmies before.
It's not good. Oh.

Speaker 1 I don't even know what a hemorrhoid is. Well, butt cis, pylandial cis.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like a.
Snow walk in the park. I'm guessing that.
It is not a walk in the park.

Speaker 1 Imagine if a thing just, you know, your buttholes, you know, a perfect little butthole, you got to poop out of it. Yeah.
It's, it's clear. Everything's fine.

Speaker 1 Imagine if just something grew in front of that. Is that what it is? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, that's, there's different types of heneroid, but the thing we both got, the same one, where it's just like, just like some part of your asshole just balloons full of like a inflamed kind of thing with a nerve or something.

Speaker 1 Sinus tract. It's a sinus tract in your asshole.
Yeah. Sinus tract? Is there a way to avoid this? Like, is there something you did that? Yes, don't push.
Don't push too hard. Okay.

Speaker 1 I was straining a little bit. And don't, the, the number one is don't sit on the toilet and fuck around for a long period of time.
Interesting. Yeah, so I would sit there and all.

Speaker 1 I'm guilty of the first one, not guilty of the second one.

Speaker 1 You pop right up. But it's because I'm pushing so much.
I'm like a little rabbit, man.

Speaker 1 If I went and took a shit right now,

Speaker 1 none of you would believe I took a shit. You're quick.
You're in a bad shit. They go zero chance digest shit, dude.
But like, I mean, like a rabbit. Pop-up, I'm fucking out.

Speaker 1 See, I like to read. I'll sit there and read a book.
I'll read on my phone. Oh, interesting.
Well, you're a family guy. You're trying to get away from the world.
That's a big one, too.

Speaker 1 The shit break for real is serious.

Speaker 1 And it's like

Speaker 1 you both police each other because

Speaker 1 you don't want to go back because you're sitting there like, I'll be like, I got a shit. And you're just free.
Because it's like you're at a job all the time.

Speaker 1 So then you're like, I got a shit in my wife. And she's like, I got a shit.
You're just like, you fucking motherfucker. And I'll be like, don't be fucking around your phone.
Come right back.

Speaker 1 Because I know she's fucking around on your phone. Because you know what she is doing.
I do it.

Speaker 1 It's perfect.

Speaker 1 Don't be fucking around your phone. You know, you start being like, are you almost done? You know, you start kind of being like, you know, you're 10 minutes max.
You're like, all right, let's go.

Speaker 1 I've accused you. She'll be like, are you done up there? And I'm like, yeah, I'm done.
We know what you're doing in there.

Speaker 1 You're on Candy Crush. I can hear it going.

Speaker 1 Excellent or whatever.

Speaker 1 If you're reading a book, I'll get like engrossed in it. You You just forget.
You're just like, damn, this is awesome. And all of a sudden, I'm just like, oh, shit, I got down there.
But,

Speaker 1 dude, I got that one. And it, like, I was at, I was in school.
I went to school for social work like years ago in 2020, which was kind of fun.

Speaker 1 But the, I remember it, I was like doing, I had to go to a test and I had to like jam. I think it popped, but I was working.
Oh, no. Well, I was waiting for it to pop.

Speaker 1 And so I had to like put toilet paper between my ass cheeks because I had to like do something that day in front of the class. A little man pond.
Exactly. So

Speaker 1 it really was. And I, did you get the smell?

Speaker 1 I think it popped at home, and I don't remember getting the smell.

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Speaker 1 this deal is exclusive to listeners so get yours now in time for the holidays terms and conditions apply wait so how do you is i don't know if you guys want to even talk about this but do you have to get like surgery to get rid of it or no well you can't or just wait i can i last time i had one i had to go it was uh i was hanging out with shane and tony and they were doing a thing for next in line not the nfl whatever nil deals and uh

Speaker 1 it was just so big i was just sitting on it and it felt like oh that's terrible yeah i went to the hospital i went to the uh urgent care yeah and i like popped into urgent care so the guy was like luckily it popped before i had to do anything it was like crazy yeah i feel real lucky doc thanks

Speaker 1 he was just like squeezing my ass the whole time like yeah i'm such a bitch about these kind of things like it hurt i uh i just was washing my ass too thoroughly yeah so it was just dry but it was so itchy that i was like i've got to go to a professional you know i'm 40 now i want to see what's going on and he was like you you just are, you're, you're washing your ass too much.

Speaker 1 Like, what's your ass-washing regimen? Well, I was just getting the shower. I would just use like showered gel or soap to just make sure my asshole is clean.

Speaker 1 But, like, I'm using all these soaps and things.

Speaker 1 But, anyways, so once I saw him, he's like, your asshole's fine. You know, he's like, you just need to not be.
How did you show the doctor your asshole, by the way? How did you do the whole thing?

Speaker 1 Like, bend over?

Speaker 1 I laid on the bed thing. Because he gave me the whole 40-year-old check after that.
I figured, like, I'm half the age. Let's just check.

Speaker 1 My asshole's fucked up. I've never had a dry asshole.
I'm more of a humid guy. Oh, so dry.
It was like,

Speaker 1 you had a chapped ass. Yeah, I would itch it so much that it would like bleed.
And I was like, I need to go because I'm itching.

Speaker 1 But what I was going to say is, like, I, if you could have, yeah, I'm a confident guy. I was such a bitch when I was like in there.
Like, I was, I kept saying sorry to him. I was like, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 He's like, you know, you're all right. I do this every day.
And then I was like, he's like, it's just dried out. And I was like, yeah, I'm sorry.
He's like, you don't have to keep.

Speaker 1 What was the, what was the

Speaker 1 just holding your dick? I just kept going out

Speaker 1 i felt like maggruber like oh fuck your dick dude i'm sorry i'm sorry i fucked my ass up

Speaker 1 one job to keep my ass all right i fucked it up i was like i feel terrible i had to come in here waste your time i don't even have a thing you're on antidepressants now you're like my whole fucking life's over i don't know why i took treated it felt so strange sorry sir i had a show yeah i i had a show uh

Speaker 1 So I was getting eczema. I didn't realize it was eczema.
And it fucking hit my dick.

Speaker 1 And the problem was it was like, it was around that area. So I started just, I thought it was ringworm.
So I was just bombing it with like Butcherman cream.

Speaker 1 And I fucked, I wrecked my dick for like two months. And it was just dry and red.
That's a terrible feeling. And I had to go to it.
Finally, I was like, fuck, I got to go to an urgent care.

Speaker 1 And I go in and it was, first the nurse had to look at just my shriveled, tiny red. It's the worst.
I was like, all right, I did that. I'm like, whatever.

Speaker 1 I think I had showed a dermatologist earlier who had no idea. I think the dermatologist actually.
Just before you had a family and all that. I had a family.
Oh, you did? Yeah, I had a family.

Speaker 1 So I'm like, it was terrible. But I had to, so I do that.
I go to the urgent care. A nurse looks at it.
Like, oh, let me bring someone in. Dude, the biggest black guy I've ever met in my life.

Speaker 1 I swear to God. He's like, I got to take a look at that.
I was like, okay, and it was him. And then two nurses, because they were arguing whether it was a ringworm or something else.
Oh, no.

Speaker 1 And then, so it's just this dude and just two ladies had all be like, well, having like, I don't think it's that. Like, and I'm just sitting there.
They're using democracy. Let's take a vote.

Speaker 1 But then eventually I went to, and that, like, nothing came of that. They gave me whatever.
And then I had to go to a dermatologist.

Speaker 1 They were the ones who prescribed the steroid ointment and they were like, no, this is that's not what this is at all. And then they cleared up.
But that's true.

Speaker 1 How good was that feeling? To not every time you go to the bathroom reminded of the problem that you have. It was crazy.
Just crazy. I mean, dude, it was, it was itchy and dry.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But my dick, and it was, dude, it was terrible. It would, it would, like, go away and flare up and go away.
And it was just kind of like it was shit I was eating, I think.

Speaker 1 But yeah, and then the dermatologist was also a beautiful woman. Ugh.

Speaker 1 And just had to like, and I had to go back and be like, I got kicked out of an STD clinic because I refused to like cooperate with the nurse. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 I wanted to just get, so like, sometimes, you know, I would just randomly go get STD checks because, like, I would break up with a girl and then hook up with a couple of other girls.

Speaker 1 And then that girl would be like, I know you were fucking around when we broke up. Like, I want you to go prove you don't have anything.

Speaker 1 And I've, it always comes back clear. I'm not hooking up with

Speaker 1 you. You get a test.
And then if you don't have anything, I don't have anything.

Speaker 1 Why do I have to prove the paperwork? But they'll be like, well, I haven't slept with them. And I was like, all right, then I'll just say that too.
Like, why if we're just using an automatic picture?

Speaker 1 That makes sense. You took a break and then came back.
So I'm in there, and she just was asking all these questions. And I was like in one of my Jeff Die moods.
You know,

Speaker 1 she's like, how many partners have you had? I'm like, don't worry about it.

Speaker 1 And she's like, I need to know. I was like, no, you don't.
You don't need to know. And the nurse was like, I have to ask you this.
I was like, I know.

Speaker 1 Damn, she hit you with like, you probably sleep with a lot of girls, don't you? That's what it felt like to me.

Speaker 1 And maybe it was because I was projecting on her from like the conversation I just had with my girlfriend or something. She's like,

Speaker 1 how many partners have you had? And I was like, if it's more than zero, check my dick. And she goes, sir.
And I was like, no, but that's, that's true. Yeah.
Just check my penis.

Speaker 1 You want to know your body count, dude? Well, that's the thing,

Speaker 1 bro. Your body count is high as hell.
Yeah, check. Yeah.
Just if I have, let's say I checked with a thousand women. Are you going to check it more thoroughly? Yeah.
Just check my cock.

Speaker 1 Like, what's the problem? Just for the government.

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Speaker 1 why they need to know that is a fair question no that is a fair question they don't need to know any of that all they need to know is like did you ever have sex before you're like yeah and they go all right well check your dick oh yeah because i said if you're a girl there's no way they would do that if you were a girl they're like how many people have sex with that'd be kind of like offensive any any number

Speaker 1 strangely

Speaker 1 my guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 it was so weird, and they didn't want any of my bullshit. So, you got kicked out? I got kicked out before they did the test.
What did you have to do then?

Speaker 1 I lied to my girlfriend. I was like, Yeah, I got checked.
We'll see.

Speaker 1 Pretty cool. A lot of good people up there.
Yeah, great. Great spot.
You were done quick. I know, I know, I know.

Speaker 1 Why is the date on this STD thing wrong?

Speaker 1 Why didn't you just say, like, I don't know, five? You should have been like a girl, like, like four. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I guess I wanted to check too, you know. In my mind, I'm like, maybe I do have something.
You should have been like, I only eat pussy.

Speaker 1 So I don't know. Whatever that counts for.
You should be furious.

Speaker 1 You've never ate my pussy. I'm like,

Speaker 1 that's kind of an ether girl thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, only.

Speaker 1 I haven't been to the doctor in years. I can't wait to go back and answer the hard questions.
Dude, I don't know. I always tell them I do crystal meth.
I'm like, yeah, I do crystal meth.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what we should be lying. Overe-exaggerate everything to our physicians to see if they'll check us differently.

Speaker 1 Or if it's like, you know, you give blood, like, have you had sex with a man in Africa after 1975? Just be like, oh, yeah. Yeah, tons of times.

Speaker 1 Run that twice.

Speaker 1 Put it in the center.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I want to go back to the doctor and just while out. It's like, oh, yeah.
The questions are in strange orders, too. Thinking about that one, it's because I went to,

Speaker 1 before we went to Africa, we had to get like a bunch of shots and stuff. And not for COVID, don't worry.
And

Speaker 1 they were like, they're like, have you had sex with anyone?

Speaker 1 Oh, no, have you been to Africa? And we're like, no, we're going to Africa. And the next question is like, have you had sex with anyone in Africa? I was like, well, no, I haven't been to Africa.

Speaker 1 Like, the question was just like strangely worded. Yeah, that's kind of weird.
Wait, to get into Africa, you got to be like a virgin, or you got to be like, I've never fucked anyone from here.

Speaker 1 I guess. I don't know.
It's just maybe a part of the thousand questions they asked, man. That's fucked up, though, because no other country is like, have you fucked anyone from here before?

Speaker 1 Because they asked you that on blood tests. Like, have you fucked somebody from Africa in 1975? That's a racist question.
It's kind of fucked up. Yeah.
You're going to give your blood? They're like,

Speaker 1 Yeah, this African fucker. You fucking an African.
You fucked an African man in 1975. You don't want Jeff's blood.
He's fucking all these people in Africa. I had one summer.

Speaker 1 I had a wild

Speaker 1 African summer. Me and Jane Goodall.
It's ruined my medical history.

Speaker 1 Me and Jane Goodall is the fucking best example I've ever heard. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I haven't been to the doctor in such a long time. I stopped going around COVID.
Oh, really? I was just done with it. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I got real pushy, and I was just kind of like...

Speaker 1 Every time I go there, they're like, oh, your cholesterol looks good. And I'd be like, fucking, I don't care about that.
Doctors are just pill salesmen now.

Speaker 1 yeah. Well, I'm gonna try to find one that I like that, like, just like, dude, run my blood, look for stuff that's actually important, right?

Speaker 1 Like, that they don't, I don't give a I find myself being uh

Speaker 1 dishonest with my doctors, everybody they they they account for that and they ask you about drinking, they kind of like triple it, usually, or double it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they'd be like, How much are you drinking? And I was like, I don't know. He's like, Well, like uh three times a week, and I almost like laughed out loud, like, what a fucking pussy

Speaker 1 thinks I drink three times a week. And then he's like, oh, more? And I was like, yeah, how about every day since 2001?

Speaker 1 Is that a lot? Yeah. True.

Speaker 1 That'll do it. I'm actually...

Speaker 1 20-year bender. I kind of keep them on the ounce about everything.
I'm like, nah. Oh, really? I don't really drink that much, but I'm always just like, I don't, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 You don't need to know this.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying. Just check our bodies.
Yeah. See what I'm saying.
These questions are very intrusive. Yeah, even like, do you smoke weed? I'm like.

Speaker 1 Actually, lately, I've been like, yeah.

Speaker 1 Sometimes. Sometimes I do.
Sometimes I get high and I freak the fuck out

Speaker 1 you guys like weed you guys good at it yeah i was and then recently it's been like kind of it well for it's been like a back and forth thing it's like a it's like rushing roulette every now and again i can have like an amazing time and then i can just have like the most harrowing afternoon where i'm just freaked out yeah see i hate racing and all my friends that smoke weed fucking Love you boys, but you're losers.

Speaker 1 You know, like it's, I don't like. How do you figure? They're not like high achieving.
You know, they're just doing nothing.

Speaker 1 Some people can smoke weed and do nothing some people don't know anyone that's thriving such a lame take all my alcohol friends such a lame take all my alcohol friends

Speaker 1 fine successful all my friends that like doing mushrooms they won't shut the fuck up about it they're happy as hell they're making relationship connections they're they're doing beautiful things with their mind and then all my weed friends fucking not doing shit

Speaker 1 It can happen. The people can burn out.
I think, I mean, our founding father smoked weed. Definitely not a patriot, but the

Speaker 1 probably weed got chilled. Patrick thinks then they smoked weed.
No way, dude. Dude, here's the thing: the weed's gotten too strong.

Speaker 1 Okay. It's gotten way too strong.
And it's like, I have found I like to get the type, it's called type 2 cannabis. It's half CBD, half THC.
Okay. It's chill.

Speaker 1 If you smoke dabs and stuff, I do think that kind of can fuck people up. Interesting.
There are some people that can do it that are loyal. All right.
Maybe here's what I'll adjust. I'm teachable.

Speaker 1 Interesting thing.

Speaker 1 Just enjoy it, right? Like, I had to ask you.

Speaker 1 I didn't come in here and you're like, that's fucking up. We got the weed painting.
Yeah. I got a marijuana leaf on my laptop.

Speaker 1 Those are the guys I'm talking about. That's true.
Who can't even talk to me at a fucking smoothie place without taking a rip off some mechanical weed thing?

Speaker 1 That's who I'm talking about.

Speaker 1 No, you're absolutely right. There's a Kevin Smith, these fucking losers that have some teenage obsession with weed.
That's who I'm criticizing. Not a man with a wife and kids and a successful career.

Speaker 1 No, I dude, there is. No, but here's the thing.
It is fair because there is,

Speaker 1 it does fuck up your product. For me, it does fuck up productivity.
I have to wait till I'm done everything. If I'm like, I'm going to smoke weed and get creative and write, I'll just go for a walk.

Speaker 1 The kids fall off the balcony and you're like, oh, sorry.

Speaker 1 The dabs were where I kind of, there was like, I smoked weed since I was little, and then there was the dabs, and that's where I was like, I stopped. I was like, that's too much.

Speaker 1 When the dudes just like blast the thing on a, did you ever see that? It's just concentrated wax. Yeah.
I watched that occur and I was like,

Speaker 1 that's too much. Dab is weed crack, basically.
It is. 100%.

Speaker 1 But I will say, smoking a little bit of weed and watching a movie. Fantastic.
It's the best.

Speaker 1 Going to the movies and smoking weed, it's the best. I like starting a project and then start smoking so that I'm in it already.
So then I just keep going through. Okay.
Yeah, that is.

Speaker 1 What kind of project, though? Give me an example. I just edit videos.
Okay. Yeah.
Oh, there's something you got to get done. I see.
Yeah. Yeah.
I will say that does help.

Speaker 1 I will say if you smoke weed while you're not doing anything for me, I'll bug out sometimes. And then it's like, I'm just, I'm like, why did I do this? I'm bugging out.

Speaker 1 But if I have a task, I will still be bugging out, but I'll be so engrossed in the thing, it can have like an energizing effect. Okay.

Speaker 1 Where I'm like kind of bugging, where I'm like, I got to get this done. They just kind of rot out the physical discomfort.
But it is one of those things where you smoke weed.

Speaker 1 I got to the point where I'd be like, why am I higher? I don't even enjoy this. I would just be high and like freaking out and thinking about stuff that I would forget instantly.

Speaker 1 And I'd be like, why do I like this? And then you just freak out about that, and it's like, So, I do agree. Potheads are so optimistic, too.
Like, like, like until bedtime.

Speaker 1 Well, no, they'll say, No, I mean, they're optimistic about pot. Oh, okay.
Like, I'll be like, oh, I hated that. And they're like, you got to draw a different strand.
And I was like, all right.

Speaker 1 And then we'll try a different. I'm from Seattle, so it's been legal my whole life.
So they'll be like, all right, try this.

Speaker 1 And I've had, like, after 30 times, I'm like, I think I just don't like this. Yeah, this is not for me.
And they're like, but try. If you try, sativa or is it like, and I'm like, guys, I can't.

Speaker 1 And all that's bullshit, too. They're so like mixed together now, too.
And they're like, dude, no, like, there's like, you're more of this.

Speaker 1 And if you have, now it's like the uh, they'll be like, well, probably terpene probably doesn't. Now, like, you need more humiline.
It's like, dude, you have no fucking idea.

Speaker 1 When I got a DUI, they weren't like, maybe try brandy.

Speaker 1 What was it, scotch? You were drunk on scotch? Yeah. Yeah, it is.
It is one of those things where it's like, I like, I've been smoking weed since I was like 14. Okay.

Speaker 1 I like it, but it's like, as I've gotten older, it's become less and less. And I used to be high all day.
Like, really? For years. Oh my dude.
You were like a rapper. Pretty much.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was just high, and I was also selling weed, just stoned all the time. I was a lot like you were in the market, dude.
I was a lot like a rapper, but it was,

Speaker 1 it is weird. I will say there's a point when you smoke weed and you're younger, and it's like before you have stuff to bug out about as much, you feel like you're on the limitless drug.

Speaker 1 You're really like, dude, I'm so fucking smart. Then you forget it all, though.
You go home and you're literally like, what the fuck was I thinking about?

Speaker 1 But there was like a four-year period in my life that I was high all the time selling weed. And I was like, dude, I might be the smartest guy ever.
Do you like mushrooms? I love mushrooms, yeah.

Speaker 1 Mushrooms, I think, are greater than weed. I was way better, and also like that.
I feel like that made me smarter. My friends all say to me, like, dude, you came back different.

Speaker 1 Like, it like changed something.

Speaker 1 What did you do? What was your mushroom experience? Like, what did you do? Um, so, like, how much, or like, where was I? Yeah, how much

Speaker 1 okay.

Speaker 1 So, my first time ever, I knew I wanted to do it for a long time, and uh, my boy Randy Valerio was like, he's like king mushroom guy, so he was like, I got you, like, you know, just tell me when.

Speaker 1 So, we've planned this trip out to, like, um,

Speaker 1 what's the hottest desert in the world? It's in California. Uh, the Gobi.
No, it's uh, it doesn't really matter. It's like this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like where they film like Star Wars, some of the things. I can't remember.
Yeah, Death Valley. Yeah, Death Valley.
So, yeah.

Speaker 1 So, we go to Death Valley and we waited till nighttime, and then we just all took a shit ton of mushrooms.

Speaker 1 It was just three of us dudes who like trust each other and know each other, and it was the most beautiful experience of my life. It's awesome.

Speaker 1 It was absolutely incredible, and we took a lot, and then and then, so after that, every couple months, right? It wasn't like a a daily thing.

Speaker 1 Slowly built up to like four and a half grams is like what we would. That's like the dose we, yeah.
We only go like full journey. We're not doing like a little.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Where'd you sleep in the desk? Did you like camp in there? We had a hotel room, but

Speaker 1 you guys were glamping. No,

Speaker 1 for sure. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I was glamping, dude. I'm a glamping guy.
And then walked across the street to our hotel. I'm a glamping guy myself, dude.
I kind of, I enjoy, you know, give me an indoor.

Speaker 1 No one's ever taken me real camping. Me either.
I want to go real camping. I've never done it either, honestly.
I, I,

Speaker 1 what's is it? Yeah,

Speaker 1 sleep in a tent and shit in a camp. I would rather be outside all day and then hit like a yurt.
But I just want to do it for a couple days or something, or even just one day. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because here's the thing: my buddies go, oh, we'll take you camping. And if I girls go, we'll take you camping.

Speaker 1 And then they take me to some national park where I can see other people like me, you know, setting up their stupid pictures. I want to be a table.

Speaker 1 I want to be like in a movie, like when you're like, here's where we have to set the tent down. Dude, I agree.

Speaker 1 I've never gone camping, and I've like, we would like put a tent in my backyard, and I sleep back there.

Speaker 1 It doesn't count, but like, I want to go, but I have two daughters, so I'm like, waiting to see if either of them want to go camping. And I'm going to stay just my wife has no interest in it at all.

Speaker 1 Really? Zero. I don't want to do it for like a month.
I don't want to, like, you know, not even a night.

Speaker 1 If I can speak on behalf of your wife, city blacks hate like grasses. I know.
I know.

Speaker 1 My wife's black from Chicago. She does not want to camp it whatsoever.
Yeah. But my daughters,

Speaker 1 the white side of them might whisper to me. Yeah, I might crave it.
That's so Let's leave them. And then they'll be like, mom was right.
This strike is fucking bullshit. Yeah, bare feet.

Speaker 1 I like city blacks. That's a funny.
Is that a term? City blacks, country blacks. Yeah.
Rural blacks. Yeah.
Yeah, that's true. Yeah.
I'm a mix of a city and a rural black. Interesting.

Speaker 1 You are a little country. A perfect blank.
You are a little country. A country, little country.
Oh, man. I had to do a pro or I didn't have to.
I got to do a project in.

Speaker 1 in Atlanta. Yeah.
And it like changed my perspective on black people. I was like, God did this to keep me from being racist.

Speaker 1 Oh, in Atlanta? Oh, my favorite people in the world.

Speaker 1 What was the project?

Speaker 1 It was like a game show where we would shoot like 10 episodes a day. It was like quite a grind of work, but I made me there for

Speaker 1 six weeks.

Speaker 1 And I had to live in a hotel. So every day I would see black women that like, you know, southern black women who worked at the front.

Speaker 1 I had, you know, if I was going to eat food at a restaurant, it was just all these like southern Atlanta black people. And I was like, like, my favorite group of humans.

Speaker 1 This is amazing. Took you down.
Yeah. Like Church City black people.
You know, Atlanta has the highest percentage of black people it eats. Really? How do you know that?

Speaker 1 It's a strange stat. Yeah, because

Speaker 1 I don't know why, but everybody. All those down low brothers went to Atlanta.
I could guess. Yeah.
Wait, what? He nailed it. What? The down lows in Atlanta.
That's where they go. Really?

Speaker 1 They go down low.

Speaker 1 I was just going off. There was a ton of gay black dudes.
Oh, well, they're all in Atlanta, too. Yeah, let's say it's.
I'm just going off the Bravo Network.

Speaker 1 Bravo Network is just gay black guys in Atlanta on every show. Dude, Atlanta rules.
It's like best city, dude.

Speaker 1 Damn, so that's where that's where homo thugs go to have sex with men on the low, Atlanta? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Shit. Doesn't look good for Tyler Perry.

Speaker 1 Tyler Perry. Look at fucking Bill.
He's bricks and mortar down there, dude. Yeah, dude.
And, you know, in this studio,

Speaker 1 every building is named after other famous black people. Really? It's probably not looking good for those guys either.
There's like a Will Smith studio, Jamie Foxx. Oh, really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like a Diddy Party alum.

Speaker 1 Yeah. When are we going to get this list? Yeah, they're not going to give it.
Also, there's like, once the list comes out, no one will care. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They did that Epstein Island list. People were interested about it for like 30 minutes.
Well, Stephen Hawkings was a revelation. That was crazy.
That was a big one. David Copperfield.

Speaker 1 But nothing happened. No.
David Copperfield.

Speaker 1 He did a show last night in vegas it changed nothing i know that's that didn't change and then the diddy party stuff everyone's going well i was there but i left at 3 a.m and after i leave that's whatever sure it's like it's like a how do you know b

Speaker 1 but it's also

Speaker 1 no one's gonna care it's also kind of bullshit in my opinion to be like if you're in the 90s getting freaky as hell yeah you're getting accused now it's like dude the 90s were genuinely totally different So it's one of those things where it's like, yeah, it's like, it sucks, but it's also like.

Speaker 1 Well, and also people are just inconsistent.

Speaker 1 The real rule of the way, or not rule But the real way people navigate their minds is if you like the person you're fine with it and if you don't like them Then you're outraged Yeah, burn them on a cross.

Speaker 1 Yeah David Bowie like admitted in his book to like banging 13 year olds.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but it's David Bowie so they go yeah that guy rules Anthony Keatus isn't in his book He was like he had sex with a 16 or 17 but he wrote it.

Speaker 1 It's like I feel like when people tell him themselves you're like all right bro. Yeah, good for you.
Yeah, it's like fuck dude. That's a six story.
This guy's owning it. But

Speaker 1 he really looks good on me. He's doing the eight mile, man.
He's trying to get ahead of it. True, what are you going to say now? Yeah.
Oh, so I gave quales to a girl. And also, there's also an aspect.

Speaker 1 You think Cosme's bad? Check out my book.

Speaker 1 I think there is an aspect, too. It depends on what you have.
Like, if you're in command of

Speaker 1 an important cultural job that other people want, there's more of an uproar around your misdeeds than if you don't really have much going on. That's why the Diddy list is so interesting.

Speaker 1 Because if he was just guilty of being nefarious as a rock star or thug rapper would be, it would be no story. But black people are still working on the gay shit.

Speaker 1 You know, every group's got their own things they're working on. So this one is encroaching into a new territory for them.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Freaky ass people. They're going off.
Freaky assists.

Speaker 1 Well, he also, like...

Speaker 1 He was also like, not only that, but apparently, according to all the court stuff, he would like, imagine if I brought you in here and I was just like, oh, dude, this would be a sick podcast.

Speaker 1 And the whole time during breaks, I was just like goosing you.

Speaker 1 He was like doing that. That would rule.
Then being like, but then holding like a genuine, like, you know, like, I'm going to give you a million dollars to produce this project. Yeah.
Oh, fuck yeah.

Speaker 1 But then the whole time he'd be like, I don't know, spreading you open. Like, let me see that chap little fucking.
It is weird. I'm.

Speaker 1 He was just, and you're like, that was his real problem. It wasn't even just like, you know how much oil average if I could help this.
It wasn't even just the gay, freaky stuff.

Speaker 1 It was like, I mean, that is obviously for sure. Nobody likes that at all.
But it's like, especially talking about like the black community. It's like, yeah, you can't don't fuck around.

Speaker 1 They don't fuck around about gay stuff at all. Yeah.
Then it was like the power of being like basically holding someone prisoner. I always think about that.

Speaker 1 Like, I always like to think that, like, if my boss, of anything I had, I mean, this is, it's hard for me to try to pretend to be someone else. That's why I struggle with it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But it's like, if my boss was like doing things, I'm such an impulsive person that I'd be like, what the fuck? Like, I would just like blow it up.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't be able to keep a secret to keep a career or job.

Speaker 1 Then I'll enter this into the equation. You're going to the parties.
He's like, you're getting blown. He's hooking you up.
It's crazy. And then at the end,

Speaker 1 you know, he slept a little something in your drink, and then he just fucking started goosing. You're like, whoa, what the fuck? I like all the targets.
That's weird. I like all this other stuff.

Speaker 1 Well, I'll just bottle that up for later when I fucking kill my wife at age 55. I'm loath, Jeff.
You gotta like this. Yeah.
Yeah, true.

Speaker 1 It's kind of going away now, though. I feel like people don't really...

Speaker 1 I think it might have been kind of heightened during the election because it was kind of like shame on the libs. Sure.
That was lib shame.

Speaker 1 Epstein was like a little, everyone was calling that, but the Diddy stuff was kind of like shame on the libs. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it does suck. There's no closure on it.
It's just kind of like, yeah, the guy was raping kids. And anyway, back to work, everybody.

Speaker 1 It's crazy, like

Speaker 1 what people care about or pretend to care about. Because of the Diddy list, too, they'll just go, yeah, he was at a party.
You can't prove he did anything.

Speaker 1 That's like Chris Tucker went to Epstein Island. I know.
Like a few, like three times. And he's like, I played golf.
I didn't even know they were doing that there.

Speaker 1 But I mean, maybe he's telling the truth, maybe he's not. But it's like, you'll always have that out.
Like, I just went there because they're rich guys.

Speaker 1 So, like, who wouldn't have wanted to go to a P. Diddy party before you knew what a P.
Diddy party was doing? Everyone would have gone.

Speaker 1 Every single person who's being like fucking weird bullshit if they had gotten invited in 1997. I just threw golf.
Because I only learned

Speaker 1 the consequences. Yeah, maybe, yo, maybe start throwing, keep it alive.
Traditional life. It's like when I go to parties now and I'm like, I don't drink.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, I'm not doing the raping thing.

Speaker 1 You guys have fun, though. I'm just happy to be here.
Got a pick with J-Lo. Hal's not drinking, Ben.

Speaker 1 Are you doing great?

Speaker 1 You're off the soft. Yeah, totally sober.
Yeah, I feel great. It's been amazing.
It's nice. And it's really, it's one of those things that is like everywhere, but once you don't do it, you're like.

Speaker 1 It's great for you. Everyone else has a problem.
They go like, what the fuck is that?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I feel like because it was such a big part of my lifestyle that like there's some disappointment, but then also like my buddies have been kind of supportive of like, dude, you're way more fun to be around.

Speaker 1 Like you don't just ditch us for a chick at like 10 p.m.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like we're having actual conversations and cigars, and you know, we're connecting in ways that we didn't used to. So, it's been mostly positive.
It occasionally rears its head. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, I think I've dodged a real last night. I did Kill Tony, and afterwards, everyone hangs out at the bar called Mitzies.

Speaker 1 And there was, like, this girl who might have been one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. But she was just so intoxicated that, like,

Speaker 1 I left. She terrified me.
Just her being near me was so scary. And if, but if I was old, Jeff, we would have definitely been.

Speaker 1 Well, you'd have been so hammered that, yeah, you would have gotten drunk and been like, that is such a tricky one, man. They're like, drunk women were like boons back in the day.

Speaker 1 What a glorious bounty. Why is the universe providing it? Now you're like, yeah, it's like, dude, get the fuck away from me.
Exactly. I wanted nothing to do with it.
She kept grabbing my face.

Speaker 1 I was like, hey, don't fucking tell me. Get off me.
Get off the money. Which normally, yes, you, but like, you're so drunk.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's the bad part about being a guy, too, in modern times, at least in America.

Speaker 1 It's like, not only if I'm drunk, do I I have to be responsible for drunk Jeff's behavior, and it will be held accountable in a court of law, but I have to also be responsible for her drunkenness.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like I have to be responsible for both of us. Dude, someone's got to do it.
Yeah. That's how I look at it.
It's like, yeah, dude,

Speaker 1 you shouldn't be that drunk. Right.
Especially if you're a girl, it's like, yeah, you should, in theory, just be like, let me get you home, you later. You seem pretty animal.

Speaker 1 A lot of bad guys out here. It's tough to be responsible for both of us when I'm hammered.
It is bullshit. That's the thing.
Somebody's got to pull their pants up.

Speaker 1 So last night I had to be responsible

Speaker 1 Like I was like, hey, we can't, I'm not going to even touch you. That's the thing.

Speaker 1 If I was drunk, Jeff, we'd have fucked in the bathroom.

Speaker 1 That's why it's a sin to be that drunk. I know.
You should be punished for that. Somebody else touched you, dude.

Speaker 1 You all took a real turn here. You should.

Speaker 1 You shouldn't get that drunk. It's unbecoming of anyone.
I know. But as a woman, it's like, it's understandable.

Speaker 1 But as a guy, it's like, yeah, it's completely ridiculous to be that drunk. I know.
But no, it is crazy to be. My worst.

Speaker 1 We're both blacked out and I go to jail. Right.
It's crazy. It is bullshit.
That is the rules. But I'm just trying to take dudes to the next level right now.
It's beautiful. You shouldn't be.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 No one should be that. With this headset and this, it does feel like a church.

Speaker 1 The earlier analogy is perfect.

Speaker 1 That's why it's a sin to be that drunk, Jeff. It's an absolute sin.
You shouldn't be that drunk, you know?

Speaker 1 You should always have your wits.

Speaker 1 That's where coffee came.

Speaker 1 That's like coffee caught on in America because it was like a total counterpoint to alcohol. Interesting.
Because alcohol was so prevalent in everyday life where the water quality wasn't great.

Speaker 1 So you would just chug like a pint of ale and go hit the farm. Wow.
And then people started being like, dude, alcohol is bullshit.

Speaker 1 And they started drinking, like, people didn't know the numbers on coffee. So they'd have like nine cups of coffee a day.
Yeah. And just coffee shops.

Speaker 1 Europe must be pissed about that espresso martini.

Speaker 1 They're like, these fucking idiots are supposed to be for them. Yeah, dude.
No, even in America, you would like...

Speaker 1 coffee shops before computers, you would drink like 12 espresso and just stand there and be like, I'm from Michigan. I'm in the lumber company.

Speaker 1 And you would network with other just jacked up entrepreneurs. That's why I shit so fast, dude.
I'm having like 10 coffees. That'll get you, yeah.

Speaker 1 I've already had two coffees this morning before I got here. Did you really? Yeah.
There's my, I'm going to hit fuck you up. I'm off of caffeine.
Off of that. Totally off of caffeine.

Speaker 1 I think that's harder to get rid of than alcohol. I would say a thousand percent.
I would much rather get crushed coffee early in the morning than drink any day of the week. I fucking love caffeine.

Speaker 1 But I'm sensitive. I'm sensitive to it.
I wouldn't even know what to do with my day if I didn't have coffee. Well, let me tell you about Rob.
Because I like the whole whole process.

Speaker 1 So do I. I drink decaf.
So I'll drink totally decaf coffee. I started drinking raw milk recently.
Real milk? Raw milk. What is raw milk? Raw milk is when they don't pasteurize it.
You don't do.

Speaker 1 How do you get that? Get it from a farmer. Okay.
You've got to sign up in Texas. You're a fucking farmer.

Speaker 1 Google, brother. In Texas, you just Google.
You know, we have to go to farmers market, but you have to order it a week before because you can't buy it on the spot. Dude, I'm not lying.

Speaker 1 I know, I don't care about raw milk. I never cared.
I was like, let me just try it because I was curious. I heard it helps with like dairy intolerance.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, I started drinking this four days ago.

Speaker 1 I feel amazing. Really? And I looked it up because I was like, what the fuck's in this shit?

Speaker 1 All the vitamins, it's a complete food. All the vitamins and minerals.
They have, I think every, like if you took a vitamin, raw milk has every single thing in that vitamin.

Speaker 1 They have, you know, vitamin A, B, blah, blah, blah. There's a couple they don't have a lot of.
And every mineral, and it's all wildly bio. How are you drinking this shit?

Speaker 1 Like, just straight out of a glass? Straight out of a glass. Oh, my God.
I make decaf coffee and I pour a ton of raw milk in there. And, dude, I swear to God, I'm not making this up.

Speaker 1 You know, whatever.

Speaker 1 I feel amazing. Really? I'm sleeping better.
It's insane. It apparently has like hormone effects.
It does all kinds of shit.

Speaker 1 That is the next part. I shook the booze thing, which I feel great about.
I'm very proud of it. It's been a year and two weeks.
But the thing with, I'm eating trash, dude. Eating bad.

Speaker 1 I've been eating bad for a long time. It's tough.
You're traveling. It's tough ones.
Yeah, McDonald's is available, you know.

Speaker 1 Yeah. you know what I mean? Dude, when I got a chick, you know what I do? No, I don't.

Speaker 1 You don't have the car.

Speaker 1 You know what I do, though?

Speaker 1 I go when I go away for the weekend, I'll go food shopping, get a rotisserie chicken and some fruit. But I don't even do that at my own home, let alone if I was on the road.

Speaker 1 But no, I'm telling you, dude, get on the raw milk train, dude. Yeah, check it out.
You could probably get it in L.A.

Speaker 1 for sure, dude. I swear, I'm not.
I want someone else to drink this shit because it's like, I can't believe how

Speaker 1 superfood. It is, dude.
Yeah. It is.
Although it is tied to, we talked about this on the Patreon thing. It's tied to neo-Nazis.

Speaker 1 So you can't like, apparently milk has like connections to like white supremacy due to like the legend that like the ancient Aryans were the only people who could digest it.

Speaker 1 Just make it sound cooler, dude. It kind of does it.
It kind of

Speaker 1 my friend was like, you got to be careful. They're all milk.
It's like Nazi stuff. And I was like, how? And explain it to me.
I'm like, fuck, dude. That sounds so fucking cool.

Speaker 1 But also, it's ridiculous. It's crazy.
Yeah, they also drank water. Oh, God.
I don't want to drink water because they. Well, Well, there's been articles written about is milk racist?

Speaker 1 And they're saying, like, because apparently anyone who white people can tolerate dairy as a group combined better than any other group. And they say that that's what the Aryans are.

Speaker 1 It's pretty easy to make those statistics when you just lump it as white. True.
How many countries are white? Yeah, but I think like all of them can have milk. I think if you're not white.

Speaker 1 I think if you're not white.

Speaker 1 True, like Eastern Europe, maybe you can't get the bubble guts for milk.

Speaker 1 Jews are pretty white.

Speaker 1 They can't have anything. Jews.
Yeah, true. Yeah.
Not even a country.

Speaker 1 So it's like the white is so vague. But I think, yeah, I think it's, again, it's like one of those things, like as a group, it was like, I think black people get crushed with lactose intolerance.

Speaker 1 And you guys crush the dairy, too. My guts hurt right now.
That'll boy. Yeah, dude.
I'm doing it for his country, though. Yeah, and Asian people can't fuck with dairy either.
Really?

Speaker 1 I didn't know that about them.

Speaker 1 I didn't know any of this.

Speaker 1 What about Indian guys? They love creamy things. They do like creamy things.
And spicy things. But they use use coconut milk.
They use a lot of coconut milk. Strong guts over there.
Yeah, yeah, true.

Speaker 1 Well, they use coconut milk and like yogurt. A lot of their stuff's yogurt-based, which probably lessens the sting.
Dude, I'm crushing in the morning, eight ounces of whole milk. And you enjoy it.

Speaker 1 It's not like you're trying to get through it for the microphone.

Speaker 1 I love it, dude.

Speaker 1 The day I drank it,

Speaker 1 again, I have no ties to any sort of any sort of milk company. I had like, I was taking Zyrtec.

Speaker 1 So I had, you know, when you take allergy medicine, you're kind of like, oh, like, I had like heavy brain fog.

Speaker 1 I wasn't planning on this. I crushed.

Speaker 1 As soon as I got back from the farmer's market, I was like, yes, I poured up a huge glass of milk, crushed it, and dude, within like 10 minutes, I was like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 I felt like my brain just like kicked on. It was nuts.
I'm definitely trying it. Dude, I'm telling you.
I live in a city that'll be the easiest to find. For sure.

Speaker 1 If you just Google raw milk, right, they'll bring it right to my door. They probably would have been 15 minutes.
He's going a week before, not in LA. Yeah, it's on GoPro, right?

Speaker 1 They got some bullshit for sure. Texas, it is bullshit.
I guess they wait a week. They don't want them kind of like letting it sit around for too long.
So they want want you to fresh order. Whatever.

Speaker 1 But my thing is,

Speaker 1 there's always thing like you can get sick.

Speaker 1 With our technology now, they have to be able to test a batch of raw milk. They'll be like, does this have tuberculosis? All these other things.
You can just test it. Like, no, it's fine.

Speaker 1 Because they're like, you could get really sick. It's like.
Who said that? Like internet. They're like, oh, you can also get this and that.
And it's like, dude, I'm just going to chug this shit.

Speaker 1 If it's more natural, that should be better. You would say, but it's, I get it.
Like, if it's, you know, when you're milking a cow, like, you you know, a cow can just take a shit.

Speaker 1 They're not going to be like, excuse me, sir.

Speaker 1 They'll just rip a dump. Right.
The worry is if it fucking gets into the

Speaker 1 calves are so strong. I don't want to be as strong as a calf.
But yeah, exactly. Dude, it's like breast milk, dude.
You feel fucking. I mean, I'll stop talking about it, but Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 It's been a revelation for me, dude. I like it.

Speaker 1 I'll be in, dude. You're going to get a text from me in a week.
Like, I tried it, dude. My brain's on.
You're going to be firing. I'm excited.

Speaker 1 I mean, like, I'm going to be pissed. I'll be like, this shit's not working.
I got like a thick milk mustard I'm just sitting on the couch going,

Speaker 1 I've been fooled again. You're just farting non-stop.

Speaker 1 He told me Nazis did this. That was all part of his

Speaker 1 get Jeff to do it thing.

Speaker 1 No, you're going to, I'm telling you, man,

Speaker 1 I'm trying to make everyone in my house drink it, and everyone's like,

Speaker 1 not feeling it, but because it is tough to drink, like, immediately my brain went to, can I put chocolate syrup in it? You could if you wanted to.

Speaker 1 Or, like, if I steam it, does that take some of the... No, the passion.
So if you, like, you have to steam it for

Speaker 1 a certain temp, and then I think you'd have to do it for a certain period of time, but I forget what it is. But I was worried, like, if I dump it into hot coffee, does it like

Speaker 1 total a curdle? Oh, interesting. It's got to hit like 150, I think.
It's a curdle?

Speaker 1 Not to curdle, but to a curious. Like, I used to crush like eggnog, and people were like, that's disgusting.
And I was like, yeah, but it's so good. Eggnog rules.
Yeah, but it's so flavory.

Speaker 1 And that's the thing. If I can make it taste like eggnog, I would crush

Speaker 1 real milk. You put it in a smoothie.
You can put it in a smoothie. I'm about to make a raw milk smoothie when we get home, but it's all we're talking.

Speaker 1 But you only have like five days, so I'm going to charge up and then I'm going to have to go off the juice for a little bit.

Speaker 1 You're in rogue towns.

Speaker 1 You guys got real milk in there.

Speaker 1 Sipping from the udder. Yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I didn't know dairy was like such a big thing where like most people are allergic to it now because the way they do it now, apparently like nobody can really stomach it. Oh, really?

Speaker 1 Because yeah, they like destroy it. It destroys everything.
It's like breast milk, how breast milk is really good for you.

Speaker 1 But if you just fucking like boiled it in a microwave, you've destroyed like it literally like an elixir. Yeah, so that is the new hunting, trying to find things that are good for you.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 our ancestors had to be like, go shoot an animal and skin it and whatever and keep it cold and then cook it. Now our hunting is going to the grocery store and finding anything that's good for you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Literally, you could go to Whole Foods.
It doesn't matter. Half that's trash.
Dude, 90, 90%. If you go to, say you go to like a convenience store, 99% of the stuff in there is terrible for you.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, it's all garbage. We're eating garbage.
Even Whole Foods. Yeah, a lot of it's just like shit and seed oils.

Speaker 1 The grocery store, if you stay, the thing is, if you stay on the outer aisles, it's like produce and then meat.

Speaker 1 But even that produce, they found a way to like inject it and do all this shit. Yeah, big as shit, these apples.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 But you'll go to like a real health place where they're like, everything in here is good for you. And the carrots, like $20.
You're like, what the fuck is this?

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's the new hunting.
It is. Well, here's the thing, too.
And when people, like, the food, like, say, like, organic produce is too expensive, it's like, dude, you'll die if you don't have it.

Speaker 1 100%. Like, it should take up, you know, it should be, it does suck, but it's also like, like, even before, like, you know, I did well, I would always spend way more money on food than anything.

Speaker 1 People spend money on fucking bullshit. It's like, dude, food? Do you think they're going to murder us after this podcast for like talking about the food industry like that?

Speaker 1 Dude, yeah, I think the jig's up, dude. I think, hopefully, someone cracks down on them.

Speaker 1 They have the new chair lady. You ever see her? F.
Lena something. She's been cracking down on it.
She's been getting crazy. Really? She was like, there was like a, maybe like a couple weeks ago.
FDA?

Speaker 1 Yeah, she was like, there's like a.

Speaker 1 They kind of shit the bed pretty hard last year.

Speaker 1 She was like, there was a presentation of them with like, it was like, here's the European version of food. Oh, yeah, I saw that.
Here's the American version. Oh, right, right, right, right.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. She's doing that with like all the

Speaker 1 Michelle Obama's original thing was like food. Yeah.
She was like, I'm going to make it healthy and all these young kids, but we got to do something about it.

Speaker 1 And it's like someone took her in a back room and was like, listen, bitch, do you know how much money my fucking kid is? And then she was like, maybe just go outside and run a little bit.

Speaker 1 Maybe just run outside. Maybe it's about fitness.
10 minutes a day. Like, what happened to the food part you were talking about? Yeah, I don't think they nothing happened with that.

Speaker 1 She changed. She immediately turned it into like a fitness thing as opposed to a food thing.
Really? Immediately. Well, dude, they have somehow psy up dudes to be like,

Speaker 1 it's like pussy shit to worry about food. Because every dude I know, I'm like, shaman.
What's in that? They're like, I don't give a fuck. I'll eat this right now.
It's like, dude, you're going to die.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You're going to die.

Speaker 1 Eating the cardboard that it came in. You're like, no, dude.

Speaker 1 I'm a real man. My whole family's like that.
All my dads and uncles are like, what are you a fucking girl? I don't give a shit.

Speaker 1 They'll eat like 40 cheese steaks, and it's just like, dude, you're going to fucking die. I don't know why.
It's like crazy. I'm trying to ask my own self, why is that cool? It's a psyop.

Speaker 1 I don't think it's a psyop. It's just that masculinity is not caring if you die.
It's lazy. Yeah, that's fair.
But also, like, what about, what about peak performance? What about the Da Vinci man?

Speaker 1 What about going peak performance, taking yourself to the highest level? That guy had like five brews before he took that pic. Yeah, that painting.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It is like kind of like what it, what makes it cool to be a man, you know? Yeah. Like just to like dilapidate, yeah, just dilapidate yourself.

Speaker 1 Some people think a man has got like a big beard and he doesn't give a shit and he's got an axe, you know? And then some people think like James Bond is cool. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But James Bond is like wearing this fucking three-piece suit and he's drinking fine vodka. You know,

Speaker 1 so it's kind of like... He's killing people.
So that's the thing. If you kill people, you can dress kind of gay.
But he's got to eat right. You know, like that,

Speaker 1 you've got Bond going, well, you guys don't drink real milk and they'll go what a fucking faggot over there

Speaker 1 so it's like kind of they're both men but like you got to decide which man true you know you want to be it's a fair point it is yeah it's uh i feel like most people though it's like if you if you even bring up like yeah there's a lot of times in private conversation like yo what a what a what is that summer stuff but like you get a bunch of dudes together like i don't give a shit i know there's something like when girls go out They go like pamper themselves.

Speaker 1 When dudes get together that just try to like destroy, try to destroy the girls. It's kind of funny.
It's kind of sick. Well, maybe it's a test.
Actually, I think I know the answer to it, but go.

Speaker 1 I was going to say, all my friends, they always like go for the easiest option. It's like, bro, there's better options.
Don't just pick the first one because it's easy. Yeah.
Yeah, 100%. That's true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's lazy. Yeah, people are dumb and lazy.
They're right about that. I think that the reason

Speaker 1 men would do that to each other is it is a test of toughness. It's a test of like,

Speaker 1 can we, you know, oh, you care about that? Like, we're tough. you know, we're tough, and that's that's healthy because men have always had to be tough.

Speaker 1 That's true, but it's like, my thing is, like, why? Because I've done that. Like, I don't give a fuck.
I'll eat that. Then I just have like a quiet tummy ache.

Speaker 1 I don't want this tummy ache. But the inner caveman in you back in the day had to, like, not care about how cold it is because he had to kill a wolf.

Speaker 1 You know, like, there was, there's this idea of like

Speaker 1 not

Speaker 1 caring about your well-being to be a fucking wolf. Yeah, true.

Speaker 1 But it's, I, I slowly, every now and again i'm still in there i'll be real good i'll be i'll be doing well eating i feel great and then i'll be like i can relax and i'll just get the biggest tummy ache i'll be like why do i do this to myself there's nothing less masculine than having a tummy ache sucks

Speaker 1 laying in hotel room burping by myself but my tummy why the fuck did i eat that fuck i gotta tighten up i've never had fish and chips at like a pub and not had a stomach ache yeah it's every time i and i've like egg oh i'm never ordering this again i fucking forget like six months later,

Speaker 1 every time. You're like, fuck, dude.
It's so good, and I'm hurting.

Speaker 1 Every fucking time. Well, I think we covered a lot of topics here.
I think we got to the bottom of a lot of things. I think so too, man.
Jeff Diet, thank you for coming. Thanks for having me.

Speaker 1 Thanks for coming on, man. Thanks for withstanding this format.
What did you think is standing? I prefer it. It's kind of nice, right? It's the future.
I think it's absolutely the future.

Speaker 1 Podcasting now, dude, after this election. Who made them?

Speaker 1 Some guy on Amazon. Really? Yeah, Chinese guy.
Oh, wow. Yeah, also, too.
I don't know if I even have the remote on me.

Speaker 1 I didn't even show you this this feature, but yeah, dude, these things go fucking nuts, bro. Let me see.

Speaker 1 Yeah, nuts.

Speaker 1 Oh, there we go. No, he wasn't lying.

Speaker 1 This is sweet. You should get some pyro in there.

Speaker 1 This should be amazing.

Speaker 1 And if it goes bad, it'll just be funnier. Hilarious.
Like, if a pyro screws up,

Speaker 1 we could get some baby pyro, probably. No, probably not.
It'll be amazing. It's just the smoke is collecting in here.
It's not even that grandiose. That's true.
Well, dudes, thank you so much.

Speaker 1 Thanks for having me, brother. Dude, appreciate it.
Lamise, thank you, brother. You guys have anything you want to plug, by the way? Oh, yes.
Go for that, please. Go for it.

Speaker 1 December 20th and 21st, I'm going to be at Raleigh. Good nights.
Please come. And then January 15th at the Philly Hillium.
Please go to that too. Hell yeah.
Great club. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You can go to jeffdie.com or follow me on my socials, and all my live dates are there. Right on.
Love you guys.

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