Ep 533 - Log Cabin (feat. Jeff Dye & Lemaire Lee)

Wow, wow, Wes. And we're live.
Jeff Dye, thank you for joining the podcast. Thanks for having me.
Dude, I'm telling you, standing podcasts are the future. Enough of the sitting.
Enough sitting and talking. I think it's just podcasters are getting lazy.
I agree. Podcasts are more important than ever, dude.
After this election. Nailed it.
Also, most of us are stand-up comics. That's what I'm saying.
Standing. Did you rock the stool at all on stage? Never.
Me either, bro. You know what that stool is? It's a tiny fucking table for my drinking set list.
That's all that is. It's not a seat.
I agree. Make it a table.
I agree. I think it is.
Some people like the stool. Some people like the stool.
I could never. I couldn't even.
Some people love the stool. Some people love the stool.
But I couldn't imagine sitting like that, you know? It also seems so arrogant when a comic sits down.

But it can play.

It can play well if you sit down. I've lectured a few young comics.

I'm going, what are you doing?

Get your fucking ass off there.

What are you doing?

Talk about jerking off and you're sitting?

It's true.

If you're a fat black guy, for some reason, it's just like it kind of works.

Right.

Sit on the stool.

You also have a towel.

Patrice waited 20 years before he sat on the fucking stool.

Yeah, true, true.

It is a pretty nuts move. Are you telling me to stand up? No, no no no okay no we just do that was just you're just being a dude you're being yeah that seemed like we were just projecting on here no lamare you were these fat black guys always sitting you're doing a good service for us right now because we usually have a third podium but we already established all everything and i'm, LaMare, it killed him.
He wanted to be standing with us. I love it.
Well, also, what do you think about these becoming a part of stand-up comedy? You might introduce that. How nice would this be? It's clear.
You can still see what's going on. You can have all your stuff.
I'll throw a laptop under here sometimes. I can just access all my stuff.
I think about how poignant it would be to walk out in front of the podium now. It'd be very important.
Yeah, man. Oh, yeah.
You're like, I have something to say. They can still see you.
I can be like, and then I'm fucking my wife. Also, I never know what to do with my other hands.
I know that's a Will Ferrell thing. Like, what do I do with my hands? But have you noticed like even your boy, it's like he's always on the thing.
Like I do it behind my back that I hate. I hate that I do that.
Like you're a magician. I hate that I do that.
I'll see if I do this with myself. I'm like, I fucking suck.
Why am I doing that? I've been doing this long enough. I should know what to do with this hand.
Yeah. I do.
For a while, I stopped doing stand-up for a while, and I came back, and I noticed I was aping the double hand. Oh, for sure.
I used to have a power PC principle, just one hand right here. And I've gotten back to back to that where one hand's by my side and I just kind of move around with this hand.
Yeah, I hate the pocket. I did it recently.
I think I did it on Sunday and I go, what am I doing? I immediately took it out. Rogan holds the mic.
Hate it. I think Rogan holds the mic the worst.
Like a snow cone. Yeah.
You go, what are we doing? The bottom, the very bottom. Yeah, like on the actual cable.
I'm scared to touch that part of the microphone. Yeah, I know.
That's the connection. Yep.
I choke up right around. I guess it's called the head of the microphone.
Oh, you do the head. The glands.
Yeah, I choke up the glands. That's the Eliza Schlesinger.
She's like a hip hop artist. You go, what are you doing? No, I just hold it right in the middle, dude.
Right in the grip. And I just keep it right here.
And I talk the entire time. Yeah.
I've tried to do like mic in the mic stand kind of talking oh that's tough too i start fucking with the stand and then i yeah it's like i do the two i've done the two hands most of my career i think gillis is ruining it for us because now everyone now everyone goes oh he's doing gillis he's going i'm just holding the fucking mic i don't know what to do with his other hand two two hands when i'm like really dying if i feel like i'm dying on stage i'll throw that other hand on the mic just kind of like come on guys but yeah i um dude so you did it you did a bunch of uh you were with the campaign with trump what was that like talking how how how many people were there wait firstly congratulations i've never felt better i've never felt, man. There's so many things I could talk about on this.

I wasn't with Trump himself as far as those are like the actual presidential campaign,

but there's all these other organizations that do things to campaign.

Gotcha.

You won't believe the group I was with.

I'd be curious to learn about them.

They're called Log Cabin Gay Republicans.

Whoa.

Did you know that was a thing?

You were getting gay Republicans fired up?

Oh, dude, it was the best. They knew what they were doing, too.
You're a handsome, tall man. I was like, gay Republicans? That's a thing? We're growing.
Damn, dude. Gay Republicans.
And they used to hate black people. Black people are new to Republican Party.
I don't know if you know that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. Yeah, but then for a while there.
I don't know if you know about his work.

What is this idea

that Republicans... Forget about all of our grandparents,

dude. Abraham Lincoln was a Republican.

Slavery had nothing to do with racism.

It's free work.

It's a leverage of power. That's all it is.

Money. You go, wait, now I have to pay

these fuckers? Look at Amazon right now.

They just got a bunch... Okay, I mean, I hear your

logic, but I do think when you go, those guys are all the slaves it's kind of racist like yeah that was like a poverty thing guess who sold us the slaves black people rich black people come on jeff i agree with you slavery is the perfect way to build an economy yes but yeah you know it's still terrible we agreed it's bad and got rid of it it's fucking sad when are we gonna let these chinese ones these Chinese ones that we got in? True. When are we going to let these Chinese children's slaves go? There are a lot of one thing at a time.
True. There are still a lot of slaves in the world.
Like I said, if you're getting upset, there's a lot of slavery. I love that LeBron James is like, the civil rights.
He's reading Malcolm X upside down down and he's acting like he cares about slavery while he's dripping in Nike. Yeah.
Yeah. You're wearing the slave clothes.
Third world countries, it's not slavery. It's just there's just not enough money.
So everyone's a slave by default. Yes.
Yeah. Like they would pay.
They'll take the job. They're like five cents a day.
Yeah. Please.
There's just no money. So it's like they're just slaves by default.
Although some of them are probably honestly slaves. If you're like a factory guy in the third world, you could probably have like a head stash of slaves and just be like, yo, go in there with my paid workers.
Dude, yeah. There's a lot.
There's still a lot of slaves. Sex slaves.
Sex slaves, yeah. We have sex trafficking in our own country.
Those are slaves. And that's just a leverage of power.
It's sad. We all agree slavery is bad, but when people try to pretend like it only happens to black people, I'm like, grow up, read some things.
Yeah, that's true. They're the hot potato.
They got caught with the hot potato. They're like the cool slaves.
They got caught last. For real, that's like it is totally devastating.
Native Americans had slaves. They did.
Like India, every place. I dare you to find me a place that didn't have slaves.
The whole world. It was a global institution.
Yeah, for sure. That was technically- We had it for less than 100 years and got rid of it.
It was ended by the British. Yeah, we tried it on.
We said, this feels icky. I'm claiming I'm Christian.
Wait, you said ended by the British? Yes, it was. It wasn't ended by the British.
Who ended slavery? Who chased other ships down? Who? Abe, dude, our boy. No, the British, for real.
Like, they went to war. Weren't they the guys? Just like, they were like, all right, we colonized the world.
Now let's save it. Well, colonization, yeah.
Like, that's a tricky one, too. I can't believe we're getting into all this.
It's the podium. It's the podium.
It is the podium. But yeah, I swear to God, the British, like Mexico stopped slavery, but they didn't like get ships and like chase slave ships around the fucking ocean.
Like Britain like persecuted it. But I also think it could have been like, we're stopping slaves.
You can't have them because they didn't want anyone gaining the fucking. There also might not be anything more diverse than slavery.
What do you mean? What's every land? It's every person. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. It's a leverage of power yeah yeah hardly racial at all yeah definitely yeah it's crazy to be like it wasn't it was definitely until the repub start saying leverage of power next year yeah i start a whole thing well what i what i will say is uh working for the log cabin guys it breaks my liberal friends brains yeah what do you mean you mean? Because I'm like, oh, I'm working with log cabins.

What's that?

I'm like, gay Republicans?

And they're like, but gay is good, but Republican bad.

They can't get their mind around it.

Why are they called the log cabin?

I don't know.

Lincoln?

Lincoln Logs?

Yeah, maybe Lincoln Logs.

Lincoln Logs.

Or just a bunch of dicks in a cabin.

It's the log cabin.

They're the greatest group of dudes ever.

They have best sense of humor. I think they're also new Republicans.
Yeah. They're like sick of this new shit.
Yeah. Yeah.
So they're just like gay guys all about the paper. No, not there.
Like the bread. They're all just like tired of trans people be considered the same community as theirs.
Yeah. Like that's annoying.
Yeah. I don't know, man.
What do you think? That seems like like that seems minuscule what do you think they're they're gay luddites yeah they're newfangled technology no no they're saying like why is this guy pretending like he's with us i think they're just conservative gay guys like we're lgbq that's kind of it we're not uh what's this new tea thing why is tea here yeah why is tea here what's going on yeah true i mean you know To be fair, they're LGBTQ. That's kind of it.
We're not, what's this new T thing? Why is T here? Yeah. Why is T here? What's going on? Yeah.
True. I mean, you know, to be fair, they're losing dudes becoming women.
They're probably like, as a gay bloc, this is not all right. Our numbers are dwindling right now.
Yeah. Because it is kind of like, you know, I can see that.
If you're like an old gay guy, you can get a total revamp. Yeah.
You know? Well, if you get a sex change, you become straight again. That's the rules.
Those are that's the rules those are kind of yeah yeah they go now i'm a straight guy this is confusing yeah you gotta take the log cabin and be like boys i think the trans thing is really smart like if you're trying to like you know the whole dead name rule yeah like it's not you like if you become a woman and i go i fucking loved man i hung out with him in Austin. You better not say my name.
Don't you dead name me. That's the rules.
But like, you know, Caitlyn Jenner did some crimes. We talking about the car thing? But in court, they could be like, Mr.
Jenner, and be like, that was Bruce, baby. That wasn't me.
Don't dead name me. I think once you go to court, they're like, all right, timeout.
They can do that? Yeah, they go timeout and then they can just totally just hit you with, you know, they can call you whenever you want. I like that.
Can I do timeout? I love this. You need an official position.
Can I do challenge flags? Challenge flag. Can we go to someone that can call timeout? Potentially.
I like that. You can do whatever you want right now.
We should adopt timeout and podiums. You're really going to change the world.
I'm telling you, dude. This is pretty good stuff.
You changed my world. So how was, what was the experience? You did like a bunch of just like, so there's like Trump is like, it's almost like a mega church.
Like Trump is the main pastor, but a lot of them have satellite churches. Yeah.
So you were just ripping at all these things. You did all.
I did comedy and just told them what I think about why they should vote for Donald Trump. Yeah.
It was awesome. At what point do they stuff dollar bills in your pants? At the end, they're like, we're all doing poppers upstairs.
I'm like, what the hell? But no, it is. It is like jalapeno poppers.
Well, dude, the conservative flag has wildly extended now yes where it's like now it's they really don't care what you're up to if you just at least are like yeah we agree with you they're like fuck it right that's why it's great i'm a 2001 liberal which is just now republican yeah yeah it's pretty much yeah that's all it is oh so you did a damn exit oh yeah for sure so wait why okay so in 2001 i I didn't change any of my views. And you just became overpumped.
But now I seem like a crazy exit. Oh yeah, for sure.
So wait, why? Okay, so in 2001... I didn't change any of my views.

And you just became a Republican. But like

now, like I seem like a crazy person.

I was like, I didn't change anything. You guys changed.

Yeah. Did you get your flack

for that? Because you live in LA, right? Yeah, I get a lot of flack for it.

But also, I didn't get

much flack. People were just like, that's how Jeff

thinks. Until I endorsed Trump.

That's what was over the line for them.

They were fine with me being Republican, conservative Jeff. They weren't fine with me being pro-Trump.
I feel like girls don't really care, though. All the girls are, like, closetly obsessed with it.
They'll, like, secretly message me, like, hey, just so you know, I think this is bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's kind of tight. What were you saying, Lemaire? White girls love Trump.
And Latiners. Yeah, and Latiners.
And Latiners and white girls love Trump. A lot of people are kind of coming around to him, dude, to be honest.
Yeah, he's the best. Even on CNN, I've noticed they'll be like, oh, my God.
He's not the best. This is hilarious.
He won already. He's not the best.
He's in the WWE Hall of Fame. I agree, dude, but that's not a guy.
The only guy in the WWE Hall of Fame I want to be my president is Vince McMahon, okay. Vince McMahon will be the best president.
See, that's. You guys love wrestling.
You guys love wrestling. You guys love wrestling.
Yeah, it's our thing. That's where you guys are.
It's our thing together. You guys love wrestling.
Because I know I look like this, but then people go, oh, he likes wrestling. He's actually fucking.
Yeah. Makes sense on a pub thing now.
He's just big and retarded. No, I love.
I I love I think it's also one of the newest things that's happened to me is like there's a comedy like Finesse Mitchell and you know great guy I thought we were friends and I was at the laugh and he's like you've gotten real political lately and I was like what and he's like you really like people keep accusing me of like, oh, you've really chosen a lane. Oh, you've really, oh, you're pandering.
It's like, no, it's just what I think. Yeah.
Why does it have to be pandering? Yeah. That's a fair point because a lot of people, a lot of comedians were like, you know, hitting their cells with all kinds of, like all the Facebook trends or, you know, Instagram of like, I'm going to put my profile, profile this, that and this.
Everyone was doing shit, but yeah.

I did comedy in Seattle, Washington. That's where I'm from.

And every show, every

open mic, every showcase was like

Jesus sucks, anti-

religion, fuck George W.

Bush.

You know, abortion this, abortion that.

I didn't once go, wow, you guys are really

leaning into this whole Democrat bullshit.

I didn't once accuse them

of grifting or anything, but then I

say a thing and they go, oh, look, he's trying to get that

Thank you. I didn't once go, wow, you guys are really leaning into this whole Democrat bullshit.
I didn't once accuse them of grifting or anything. But then I say a thing and they go, oh, look, he's trying to get that Republican coin.
It's like, no, no, these are just how I feel. My thing, too, is like, dude, it's also I'm in a I just look at it like a small business owners like, bro, I run a small business.
I'll go get whoever's fucking money. I want to.
You're going to be like, you're making that money. It's like, OK, dude.
Yeah. Goodbye.
You're on SNL for a year. Shut up, Vanessa.
But in my mind, it's like, we're going to make the money either way. Yeah.
Right. But I think the accusation is insane to me.
You know, like when I was like saying nice things about Barack Obama, all I got was little pats on the bottom. Like, good job, Jeff.
Good job, Jeff. You were then kind of, that was like the accepted view of the space.
I wasn't pandering to them, but now that I'm endorsing a guy that doesn't think we should cut our kids' dicks off, like everyone thinks I'm nuts. Yeah.
Apparently that's coming to an end. Or prisoners.
Or prisoners. We could hack a couple of those guys down a little bit.
Don't hack them the way they like. Yeah, come in half.
Yeah, dude it is kind of i don't know i i feel like i just feel like i don't know you shouldn't really worry too much about what anyone else is doing it's like it's like doing the job if you get paid for it god bless you this is awesome you know make your money you know people are like just fucking bullshit i i you know but you're right though because everyone was like wildly political being like fuck this fuck that the whole the late night itself was just every show was like fucking Yeah, you're right, though, because everyone was wildly political, being like, fuck this, fuck that. The whole late night itself was just, every show was like, fucking.
Yeah, you're only allowed to be political if you're left. Yeah.
And then if you're a little bit right, you better be real, you better be careful over there. And you're like, why? I'm just going to say what I think.
We're comics. Who gives a shit? Yeah.
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Someone's like, you're paying her. And it's like, bro, I'm getting that bread.
Well, like, I'm not getting the bread from it. When I do Greg Gutfeld on Fox News, I get zero dollars.
They pay me nothing. They put me up in a hotel.
Does it change the ticket sales, though? You're telling me the biggest show. Oh late night.
It gets people to come to my show, yeah, for sure. So I guess there is a way to make money on that back end for sure.
Yeah, for sure. And does it change the demo? Are you getting like, are you getting geezies up there? I get some old, well that's, yeah dude.
Fuck it dude, that's the point. Absolutely.
And also like. He's the king of late night.
Gutfeld's the king of late night by the way. He can't give gas money though.
Huh? He can't give gas money though. Gutfeld knows.
He's the king. He king he's the king of late night free can't give me gas money bro that is fucked up they don't give you a dollar that's crazy but uh snl pays like five thousand dollars well like podcasts are free true yeah joe rogan's the biggest show in the world i've never been paid to be on joe rogan yeah but it's worth it i want to be on it have you ever asked him I Ask him to pay me? Yeah, but hey, Joe, this is been cool and all.
We think I get 2,500 bucks. When Joe reports, that'd be amazing.
Hey, Joe, my time's kind of valuable, man. I wouldn't mind getting a little siphoned here.
You might hope you make a lot of money. That'd be so...
Just send a Venmo request. Just be like, hey, man, I did your whole show.
It was a few hours. I'll need a million dollars.
But no, yeah, nobody. That makes perfect sense.
Yeah, it's just worth it. You do the things you want to do.
Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, when Joe replies to a text from me, I'm like, holy shit.
It's like if we had phones when we were in fifth grade, and Amber Shoemaker replied, I'd be like, well, there's a girl on the phone. I literally am like that when literally am like that when joe replies like holy shit yeah he holds a really unique position and just like especially i would i would say popular consciousness but for dudes in general a lot of dudes i've talked to other people about this people have like a part of your brain that like while you're showering like it just goes into a mode where it's like well joe let me tell you about this and you start like what you would say oh yeah joe Every dude goes there.
So if he texts you, you're like. Well, because he's so cool, too.
Like, I've never, like, I don't know many people that are cool. It's like Apollo descending upon you.
And you're like, holy shit, dude. More like Xerxes.
You think Xerxes? That's why Austin's got a little too comfy with Joe. They'll be up in that green room.
And I'm like, you guys not. Fucking Joe Rogan's here.
Tighten up. I still get kind of, for real.
I get a little shuddered. He's awesome.
Yeah, it makes me happy. He's getting more.
Every time I think I've gotten a little jacked, I see him like a month later. He's turning into the actual thing from Fantastic Four.
Just a man made of bricks. You touch him and go, what the hell? But he is for sure an absolute power broker.
It is tough to not let that sway your interaction. Did you play sports growing up? Yeah.
Real sports, fuck. Played football.
That wasn't for basketball. That was for rugby.
On my baseball team, there'd oh yeah you know and then there'd be like a cool older guy like that's how i feel when i see joe like if i say something stupid my fuck just said a stupid thing yeah like like uh he was showing me his compound you know and he was like this is the cold plunge and then this is the and then he's like and this is where i shoot my arrows or whatever the fuck it was. And so then I was like,

I was like, oh, cool. And I said something stupid about the elk or whatever that was up there

and he looked at me like it was

a question he'd never heard before and then I was just like

I beat myself up about it for like the next two minutes.

Don't ask stupid shit about the arrows.

Yeah, actually I saw the archery

range. I sat in front of the bullseye and let him shoot

an apple off my head.

That's a man. No, I didn't do that.
That'd be sick though i was like you didn't film that i'd only have stupid questions for joe rogan yeah i don't think lamare you you had some you're cooking with a lot of them man and they're good i think they're good though every now and again just dumb questions what would be the first question you'd ask joe rogan what would be if it was like hey yeah, hey, Joe? Yeah, he said you'd ask, you had a lot of dumb ones.

What would be like a...

Thanks for having me. May I have a job?

No.

Yeah, he'd be like, oh yeah, no.

All right, what did you ask

those NFL players at one time?

Oh, I can't remember.

I think it was Stefan Diggs.

I didn't realize

they're younger than me. I was

30 and they're younger than 20. That's a crippling feeling.
It sucks. I was like, what do you watch on YouTube? That's a good question, actually.
That's a good question. Do you think they were honest? I also said, outside of being black, what else do you think we have in common? That was the first question.
It's a good icebreaker. That's funny.
That's usually my go-to. Besides being black, what do we...
That's interesting. Yeah, the athletes being our age, I always wondered if it was...
Because I think there's nothing cooler to me than a baseball player. Yeah.
Or like the idea of Griffey to me is like that's God. Yeah.
It went Griffey, then God, then my dad. Like, it was Griffey's number one.

So you're a big baseball guy.

Yeah.

What did you play baseball until?

Just high school.

Okay, sick.

Yeah, I wasn't great.

What was your position?

High school baseball is pretty serious.

Shortstop.

Yeah, I played shortstop.

That's awesome.

Yeah, it's fun.

But, like, when you go, they're going to be young now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And jacked.

There's, like, people a decade younger than me than can just beat the fuck out of me. It's kind of shitty.
What if I have a gun, dude? True. If you have a gun, yeah.
I would fuck Aaron Judge up with my gun, dude. Yeah.
True, but it's like, yeah, but still, if you hesitate for one second, if he closes the distance, if he closes the distance, I'd get him while he was sleeping like McNair, you know what I mean? Just start proactively killing all the young athletes. One thing's cool about being older than them though is at least if you're in our world of comedy, comedy's kind of become cool now, which was not the case for a long time.
You can just DM them and they'll be like, holy shit, dude, I love your stuff. And they'll give you...
That's a better part about being older than them. For sure.
It's like now I'm not the boy asking for the autograph. I'm, they think I'm cool.
Yeah. Which is, that's a nice switch.
What's up kid? Yeah. Where you at? You awake? I'm going to come through.
Where the hell you at? Yeah, it is nice though. I get blown away when people are like, hey, I'm like, what the fuck? Hey, what's going on, man? I got a good JD Martinez story.
Do you know who that is? Mm-mm. Still plays.
I think he's one of the. I think at this point, he's probably one of the older guys in baseball.
Played for the Braves? No, he played for the Boston Red Sox. I think he's on the Dodgers now.
Got you. So he's been playing for a long time.
Handsome guy. Really, really good looking guy.
Baseball players are sleepers, bro. A lot of baseball players are pretty handsome.
A lot of hunks out there on the baseball field. He's a good looking fella.
And so this girl goes, you're going to Boston? I said, yeah, I'm playing this comedy clip. She goes, you want to go to Fenway? I was like, I love Fenway.
It's hard to get tickets. I've been before, but I'll take you up on that.
She worked at William Morris. And so she's like, I left me tickets.
I go to the box office. I do the whole thing.
When I sit in the seats, they're good seats. And then it says at the top, $0 comped.
And then it said JD Martinez. I was like, I wonder if related.
Yeah. I was like, that's weird.
So then I DM JD Martinez on Instagram while we're sitting there. I go, hey, dude, thanks for the tickets.
This is rad. You know, I've been a fan of you for a long time or whatever, and I just showed a photo of the thing.
I don't remember what he said, but it was something nice and flattering about my comedy, and then he was like, hang out after the game. I'll come say what's up.
He was texting you during the game? It was before. Oh, that's crazy.
He just got's crazy he just got off i was like let me check my instagram i'm like an eight-year-old i'll get to the game two hours early have 75 beers so i guess so after so then after the game i'm like this is pretty cool and we're just hanging out with all these skanks it's like me my friend maddie chimber who's a comic and then just a bunch of girls who are like banging the players or whatever and they're trying to get everyone out I'm i'm like i got a dm to stay yep so then there you're at the front of the nets and it's funny some guy with a clipboard is like who's fucking this guy why is he fucking this guy it's more like that in nba games after the nba games there's tons of like it's uh amazing it's kind of a cool life though to be like a professional sports groupie and just dude Yeah, you don't pay for anything, do anything. You just lined up like Ubers at the airport.
Not a good shelf life, though. Yeah, yeah, true, true, true.
There's a new one that just got... Wasn't it Brittany Griner? She got worn out by a bunch of NBA players, and now she's pouring, crying online.
She's in a hijab. What? Wait, this is...
We've got to separate that it isn't Brittany Griner. No, Brittany Reiner.
Okay, good. I was going to say holy shit, that would be breaking news.
Famously lesbian allegedly trans Brittany Griner has been banging all these dudes. She's just intersex.
Wait, no, it's about J.D. Martinez.
This is the end of the story. So we're at the Nets and he goes, he's he's like oh man it's nice to meet you i was nice to meet you we're talking through the net and he's like uh he's like how do you know you know he's a fake name how do you know uh christine and i was like oh she's the best dude yeah she just set me up with these and then we kind of looked at each other like oh we're both fucking bro you guys were amazing but he was cool that i was going we're like oh're like oh my god because she is a cool chick she's not trying to be our girlfriend I love how you say our girlfriend she's not in her mind going I'm with Jeff Dye or JD Martinez and we're not going oh she's our girlfriend it's just two grown ups do you think that was kind of a Machiavellian ploy on her on her part? To be like, I got you.
Maybe. Like a flex.
Yeah, like, bro, don't get comfortable, man. Yeah, that is true.
I'm getting exquisite pipe. Or trying to make us jealous of each other so we step up our commitment game.
Dude, who else do you think is on that list? For this chick, it could be anybody. Yeah, true.
She worked at William Morris, and she was like an 11. She was so beautiful.
What's William Morris? What is it? I think it's an agency. Yeah.
Oh, okay. I got you.
Yeah. Okay.
Oh, wow. Yeah.
Yeah. It's the guys who own WWE.
For a second, I thought it was like a law firm. I was like, I think it's an agency.
I was thinking it's one of the big five accounting firms. William Morris Endeavor.
It sounded like it. They own WWE and UFC.
Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah.
I knew they were big because they don't rep me. That's how I did it.
I was like, must be something good. They should hook you up with the tickets.
Yeah, it was pretty cool. It was cool of him and cool of her.
The whole story is positive, but it was like a very funny, like modern story, you know? Yeah, that is kind of nuts to slowly be like, ah, motherfucker. It wasn't like some gross guy that I think sucks or something.
It was just like, oh, it's J.D. Martinez.
And he's going, this comedian guy that I know. Were you wrapping it up? Not to ask too much details.
Were you going raw dogging? I just want to know how close your guys' kinship is. Oh, yeah.
I don't wrap it up. Okay, cool.
It's not my style. I thought you were about to say I don't go raw.
I was like, shh. No, no, no, no.
Okay. The opposite.
So you guys are for real length. That's what's up.
Forever. For life.
That's awesome. You look like you wear exclusively red condoms.
Yeah, condoms are crazy, dude. I can't do it.
Any adults who use them, I'm kind of like... Ridiculous.
The fuck? I do think it is weird. We just started giving them to kids.
That was like the early 90s. I just looked into the condom program recently.
I was trying to get to the bottom of where the party, especially the left, just went kind of a little weird. It was like whatever it was like a response apparently to the aids hiv thing yeah so i was trying to figure out like where when like at what point did like you know go from like bill clinton to like it is now and i didn't i didn't i can't answer that question i just got distracted on the school condom program i'm like oh yeah dude that was a condom programs are strange yeah it's similar to the homeless thing where they're like give them clean needles i worked I worked at this homeless shelter in Seattle.
We would give them like clean needles to go do drugs with. Yeah, you'd hook them up.
And they were like, they're going to find them anyway. So I was like, I don't think this is a good idea.
Yeah. Just providing them all the shit.
Like it seems strange. Well, dude, apparently they said, I read a book about, it's called Chasing the Scream by, I forget the guy's name.
um he what he said worked is when you do not just the needles but they have to go to a center and you also give them the clean tested heroin and it takes away all of the other like thrilling aspects where it's like i gotta buy heroin i gotta do this well so you're like you're like here's free heroin it's you know it's almost a prescription it's like such a little amount you mass produce it and then while're doing it, you're like, so, how's this working out for you? And it takes away all of the stuff. Matt, I've been around the neighborhood.
It's not working. The program sucks, dude.
There's more homeless than ever. They don't do it here.
They did it in I think London before, and it actually curbed heroin use. Oh, God, I wish they'd do it.
Giving just needles is kind of like, yeah, it's like... Lazy.
Yeah, it's like, it's whatever, but it's like, if you legalize a heroin, it takes away from the black market sales, and then you have them in a center, and he's like, they've done studies. That works to reduce the number of, A, overdoses by far, and B, people just stop.
Dude, I'm so insensitive about the homeless situation. I used to be like I worked at a homeless shelter like I care and then like after 7,000 interactions with homeless people a day in Los Angeles you just lose all your sympathy for it.
I could never do it. I knew somebody who was working with homeless people and I was like how that would be the progress would be few and far between.
It's exhausting like you see like I think when I make fun of the homeless on the internet or in my act around these towns, they're picturing some lovable boxcar hobo with a bindle stick. And they think that that's what I'm...
They go, leave him alone, Jeff. No, it is...
Go to LA. Go to downtown LA for just a morning.
Walk around. You'll go, oh, I get it.
Yeah, these people, there these people is a lot yeah nobody else yeah they need to die for sure yeah it's well it's one of those things you're like nobody is like oh sweet yeah you see it you're like fuck dude this is such a bummer there's no way to like differentiate either between like the people who are choosing to be there sure who have to be there and then like like, and the people who, like, are, like, crazy. Right.
The ill or the drug addicted. Yeah.
100%. Just become one big circle of people.
Yeah. At a certain point, it doesn't matter.
You know what I mean? Yeah. No one's sifting through them.
Like, I'll take those guys for today. You're just going.
You're seeing it. You're like, ah.
There are people I've seen who are hanging. They're, like, homeless adjacent where I'm like, you're definitely not homeless, but these are, like, kind of your bros.
Yeah. And you're slowly, I think, you're slowly I think becoming homeless so there is like a pajama pants phase everyone goes to where you're kind of like just leaving your house and hanging with homeless people before you get totally sucked into it.
What's the show me your friends saying? What? You know? Something about like a Oh yeah, you are the five people you hang around with. I hate that saying because then it just makes my loser friends getting nervous, you know, yeah.
You are the five people you hang around with. I hate that saying.
Because then it just makes my loser friends get nervous. You know, Jeff's going to leave us soon.
And I want to let them know I won't. I love you, boys.
I got your back. Yeah, I do.
That is kind of a weird rule. Be like, you are the five people you hang out with the most.
No, I'm not. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, we got to tell my buddy Aaron, like, out, dude.
Yeah. Why else do I hang around succeeding enough? I hang around two toddlers constantly.
That's bullshit. You are.
Yeah. They do kind of open up your eyes to some sweet shit though.
Yeah. We found our like sprinkler system went off and made like a little river and we got to like I just watched them play in that thing.
I'm like, this is kind of cool. Yeah, kids are good that way.
They're kind of cool to like, yeah, she's like the water's like she was going to like a crack in the sidewalk and she was just like this is a river. Yeah, it's not a fucking river, but I'm like I can see why you're kind of.
But you wouldn't have cared at all about that. Like the wonderment of a child is like that because I used to go to Disneyland drunk all the time with all my buddies and it rules.
It rules. Strong recommend.
It is. uh then my buddy once goes oh my family's my nieces and nephews they want to go to disney i was going to take them do you want to come with us so i just kind of like came with them totally different experience yeah it was awesome i was like oh my god to like you know like tease the kids and like make jokes and they think i'm cool because i'm an older guy or whatever like i was like, oh, this is like a really wholesome version of what I've been doing.

Yeah, it's better. So when you get hammered at Disneyland,

are you trying to pick up babes?

No, just having a good time. Just chilling.

I'm curious. It's kind of exciting to sneak

the booze in. Don't they

serve it in there? Well, no, you have to go to California

Adventure or go to this one club that's called

Club 33 that you have to be like the Pope

to get into. So I'm not getting

into Club 33. Damn, Disney World.
They let it fly. You can get hammered at Disney World.
It's great. It's in Florida.
Yeah, that's great. Disney World, alcohol is abundant.
You can just get shit-faced. Disneyland doesn't do that.
You can go out to dinner and you can just I didn't know that. It's part of the rebellion.
True. Sneaking it in.
How the fuck did you get it in? Well, we would like take these plastic flasks that, you know, whatever. Gotcha.
Or the way that doesn't work, don't do this. We took like half Gatorade.
Yeah. Like just dumped out half and then filled the rest with like vodka or tequila.
For sure. They've seen that a million times, I guess, because they've caught us before we even got to like the thing.
They're like, that's alcohol. We're like, shit.
Yeah. Fuck.
Yeah, dude. I will say, bringing little kids to Disney World is one of the most tiring.
For sure. It's like an internet joke of training for Disney World with kids, because you have to carry them.
Yeah. You end up walking like six miles or just getting blazed in the sun.
There's no fat people at Disney, dude. You should have Disney World.
There are plenty of fat people. Not at our Disney.
Disneyland's beautiful. You're just going to walk for eight hours.
Disneyland is beautiful and it's in California too, but you hit Disney World in Florida, there are fats, bro. Sounds like it's right up my alley then.
Many fats. Fat people, you can be hammered there? Yeah, you mean hammered? You can be as fat as you want.
You can not move a muscle all day. You can get hammered on a mobility chair.
Oh, I didn't even think about the mobility chairs. You can ride your mobility chair right to a little boat and it ferries you across under literally the Magic Kingdom.
Interesting. Yeah, there was plenty of fats walking around there.
I wanted to ask some of the rides, I'm like, dude, if you're too big to fit on this, what the fuck do they do? You could be waiting for an hour to get there and be like... Also, by the way, it's amazing you brought this up.
Get rid of these in front of everyone practice seats where they bring a big person over. They go, you fatso, hey, come here.
We sit in this to make sure you're going to, they treat them like luggage at the airport. When do they do that? They'll give them like a practice chair where they'll put the thing in.
And if the person doesn't fit in it, that means they won't make it on the ride so that they

don't want them to have to wait in the line or get disappointed

when they get to the front. So they have this kind of

example chair.

Kind of like the are you tall enough line, but

they do it with an actual chair. Are you too

fat for this flight? I saw this young man in there

and I was mortified for him.

Because they were trying to pull the thing down and these

teenagers that worked there were like, yeah,

I think you're too big. And I was just going, oh,

shit. Why didn't they make the seats bigger

for the Harry Potter ride? A lot of fat people love

I'm sorry. they were like trying to pull the thing down and these like you know teenagers that work there like yeah i think you're too big and i was just going all these shit why didn't they make the seats bigger for the harry potter ride a lot of fat people love harry potter i couldn't believe how well they they uh they have it did he try to suck in and did they push what's that the sucking and oh he was doing everything and he was also mortified because we're just all waiting in line going like that fat kid over there he can't ride he's too fat also aren't there fat characters in Harry Potter? Yeah.
If you're a kid and you're too fat for the ride, they should just make you go get a job. You've got to leave school.
You're done school. You're not a child anymore.
You should join the army. They should be like, all right, you're in the army now.
Yeah, Haggard wouldn't even be able to ride the ride. His own ride.
Dude, they've got to do something, man. They've got to cut it to cut it somewhere it's like dude i i fly every now and again i'll fly southwest if i can't get a direct flight and i try to pay the extra so i can get in that first seat so i can sit in the very front you know matt's doing well he's like i used to fly south sometimes i'll fly south sometimes i will i don't know but like the fact that you framed it like that i love you dude sometimes i will I prefer American.
I don't like to admit this. Sometimes I'm on Southwest.

I will. I prefer American.
Sometimes. I don't like to admit this.
Sometimes I'm on Southwest. I do.
I'm a man of means. It is weird that I'm every now and again flying, but if you get that front seat, it's so good.
Yeah. So I'm like, all right, I pay the extra buck so I can be A1 through 3.
Sure. I'm going to get the front seat.
And then every now and again, I'll be watching. I'm like, all right, you're in a wheelchair, obviously.
I'm not saying anything. Then it'll just be like a fat guy.
I'll get ahead of me. I know.
On medical pre-board. And I just want to be like, dude.
It drives me crazy. There's nothing wrong with you, dude.
You're just fat. You better not take that front seat.
And I know you will because you're fat. And you'll definitely want the extra space.
And they just fucked me out of the front seat. I'm always like, motherfucker.
Also, you're being very conservative saying that it's like a fat guy and then like a guy in a wheelchair. They'll say, does anyone need any extra time boarding? That's a very vague

question. Yeah, that's kind of bullshit.
So now it's just two

parents with like three kids.

You got a guy that's got like a lamp

or something, and then there's like a deaf lady.

You're like, she's... Oh, these handicapped people are

always going, we're just like everyone else.

We can do anything you can do.

What's with the special treatment early

boarding bullshit? Dude, here's the thing. If you have a family, I can see that.
You have strollers, all this shit. If you're in a wheelchair, whatever you got to do, go down there.
If you're like an old person with a cane, for sure. Every now and again, I'll just see you like, and I'm not trying to be a dick.
It'll just be a fat loser. Right.
It'll be like a guy who's like standing there in a Monster Energy shirt. I'm like, bro, you get the fuck out of here.
Also, don't worry about sounding like a dick. I'm going to take it to the next level.

Fuck all of them. You're just like

us. You don't get to get on there

early. Everyone's taking their time.

You can go B

56 just because your legs don't work.

I have to let you board first.

Why does it matter?

I don't know. They're not like us though, Jeff.

What? I know. It's bullshit.

Dude, again, if you're Oh, I'm missing an arm. I have to be on the plane before you.
Who gives a shit? Yeah, that. Yeah, that's dope.
Why would you get, like. I'll give missing arms.
You go right ahead. I'll give everyone that.
There's just dudes who are just, like, medical pre-board. I'm like, where, dude? Show me your ailment.
Call of duty. Yeah.
I got a fucking three, dude. If I missed that front seat, I'm going to freak out.

Just a big fat guy.

He's like, I got the sugar.

I have to be like, yeah, but that's a slow one.

That takes a long time.

Yeah, I saw this guy recently, and I always try to figure out, like, what's your medical

condition?

Oh, yeah.

Unfortunately, I was like, damn, that guy's just such a loser.

I know.

When also, have you seen this happen?

It sounds mean.

It sounds mean, but he got a medical grade.

The doctor was like, dude, you're a fucking loser, dude. That's the diagnosis.
It's over for you. It's like, just get on the plane, man.
Enjoy the little thing. Have you ever had this happen? They do the pre-board, right? Or they'll do the thing.
They need extra time, right? There's some sort of, they need more time on the airplane. They're really just hogging the overhead space.
But anyways, so they'll get on. But then they'll sit in the exit row.
I'm sorry.

I thought that you were some sort of handicapped

person, but now you're going to assist

in an emergency? You're going to lead the charge.

Yeah, true. So that's conflicting.

I didn't even know they did that.

Usually they ask you, like, are you okay? Oh, yeah,

Southwest is whatever. They're trying to get that exit row.

Did you ever save a seat on Southwest for somebody when the plane

comes on? No, but

recently yelled at a guy for doing it, and it turns out

he was telling the truth. What was the truth?

I said, hey, can I sit there? Because there was like very few

Thank you. save a seat on Southwest for somebody when the plane comes on? No, but recently yelled at a guy for doing it and it turns out he was telling the truth.
What was the truth? I said, hey, can I sit there? Because there's like very few seats left. I'm one of the last on the plane.
He goes, well, I'm... Oh, no.
I said, hey, do you mind if I sit there? He goes, yes. Instead of just saying whatever.
That kind of caught me off. And then he goes, I was like, okay.
And he's like, I'm saving it for my wife. And then I was like, I'm the last on the plane.
So I'm like looking around like this guy's full of shit. So I find like just another one.
Cause there's like four seats on the whole plane available. And I'm sitting there fuming like, fuck this guy.
Yeah. And he was, his wife was like in the bathroom or something.
She came out and I was like, he was right. That is crazy.
Not just be like, yeah, my wife's in the bathroom. He was kind of chippy.
Yes. Yeah.
I didn't like that. Something kind of welled up in me.
He was waiting all day to tell somebody that. Oh, yeah.
He was like, oh, I'm going to get somebody's ass. He chirped at me for sure.
I get spazzed out when people hog up the overhead. The one I just put it in, just walk them.
It's kind of like, that's exactly where I'm sitting. It drives me crazy.
That'll chat my ass. But, yeah, I've been trying to chill on planes, though.
You can. There's so many battles with, it's like try to line up someone comes from this way or yeah you go it's a line i know there's so many little pretend to not understand lines yeah or people just do the masses like you'll get like it'll get people and it'll be like people hit the horizontal line and then it'll just become a crowd and then it's like well i don't want to be like excuse me like edging in.
If you know your boarding group's six, why are you in the fucking way while people are trying to board one, two, three, four, and five? Because you want to both, six is life or death. Because then you want to be, you want to be the very first person in six because only one of you is going to get overhead space.
Yeah. So that's where the battle comes in.
But yeah, it just turns into a clusterfuck. They're like first class and then literally there's's people just standing there.
And you're like, can you move a little? Make a lane for the... Make a lane? That's annoying.
I think my biggest battle on airplanes is the flight attendants. That's who my battle's with.
They're mean now. They've gotten so mean, dude.
Why are you angry with us? I don't know. They've gotten...
I was on there recently, and my wife, like, in the morning, on a morning flight, snapped her nail on accident, like fucked it up. And she just asked, the lady was busy doing stuff.
She said, hey, when you get a minute, can I get a bandaid? Like, no rush, blah, blah, blah. And the lady's like, I'll have to go to the back.
And she was like, whatever you need. Okay.
Like, you know, take your time. No rush.
You know, get the plane seated. We don't, this isn't like bleeding or anything.
And the lady was just like heavy sigh, does her thing. And then after the plane was all seated, I was like, yo, can I get that bandaid, please? Very nicely.
Where the fuck's our bandaid? Dude, she literally went and then walked to the back to get the bandaid. And I was like, whoa, dude, what was all that about? It makes no sense.
I've heard they don't get paid until the brake gets released and the plane moves backwards. Yeah, but I don't give a shit when they get paid.
I think that's terrible, dude. They suck.
Why don't they get paid until- They think they're plane police. Yeah.
Some of them are nasty, especially during COVID. That was kind of tough.
Oh, it drives me crazy. That was tough.
That was annoying. Now that COVID's not happening and they're not letting you get that breath of fresh air through your nose, I'm like, whatever.
I'm putting it all behind us. They'll yell at me.
I'll check for the overhead space. I'll open the thing.
And she's like, if it's closed, it means it's full. And I was like, I see people mindlessly close these things all the time.
That's not true. There's often a lot of space available.
Sometimes I'll put mine in and just close to see if it closes. I'll leave it closed and there's two extra, you know.
Yeah, they don't need to do that. I don't understand.
I guess they're like repeating the same scenario over and over, but they still don't have to. Like, I don't understand why.
Like, TSA does that. Yeah.
I'd be like, it's not. It's like, dude, you don't have to yell.
I'm right here. Right.
I don't know the rules. It's a change.
Yeah. It's like a disease of like, if it's obvious to you, you think everyone should know it.
Yeah. You know, it's like not everyone flies every day.
True. Some old lady's like, do I need to take my iPad out? And they're like, everybody, electronics, come out.
You're like, why are you mad at her? She doesn't fly that often. They do spaz.
But I'm telling you, it's because when you're a flight attendant, you have to wake up and you're in like a queue. It's like you just have to wake up.
You're in a queue. I think you just stand at the airport until your number gets called, and then you go work.
It's like Uber. Yeah, so you wake up, and you're just like chilling, and then they're like, bam.
I think if you have seniority, they'll call you. You know you're going in, but there's a lot of them who are just like, I don't know if I'm going to get to work today.
Bam, they pull your number, and you're rushing to the flight. You're getting there.
You've got to do all this shit, and then if it gets delayed at all, you're just standing there for 45 minutes on the runway like if he doesn't like back up as soon as a door closes and they release that break yeah then your clock starts getting paid here's that would piss me off if i was at work and then i had to do all that shit that didn't get paid everyone who didn't sit down i'd be like will you sit the fuck down yeah but here's the thing here's the thing being criminals difficult to deal with, but I won't tolerate a fucking grumpy, shitty bad cop. And kids are a lot, but that doesn't mean teachers get to be mean to the kids.
That's true. And yeah, oh, it must be real hard to be a gay guy or a hot chick that's a flight attendant, but you still got to do the job.
True. This is very true.
You're totally right. But in terms of hot chicks and gay guys and gay guys i guess it's got to be devastating to be a hot chick with an annoying job oh yeah has to suck well they don't understand it they shouldn't have to go what is this that's technically the best hot chick job because they can fly anywhere for free yeah but dude it ages a man yeah it's so hot that they're in the sky but it fucks you up if you fly that much it's yeah it's going to fucking drain your life your life force.
Yeah, because you're time traveling. Pretty much.
You're up high. It's fucking with your blood circulation.
Yeah, and you're definitely... They're all gassy.
They're just looking for a husband. You definitely got to suck the pilot suit.
Do you guys fart a lot when you fly? Well, no. Recently, I made the switch.
Yes, to answer your question. Yes, I fart.
Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
To the point now where, again, if I'm flying with my wife, she'll be like, did you just fart? I'm trying to have a conversation where I'm like, you shut the fuck up. You just said that loud, honey.
Yeah, I'm like, even like to me, I'm like, look, don't worry about that. You grab her arm.
What the fuck? So now I take shits on the plane. Oh, nice.
If I'm farting, I just go and I just take a dump on the plane. I think it's the right thing to do.
Because I'm not like a gassy guy. Oh, I am.
But when I'm flying, you start to fart. A lot of farts.
And I'm like so embarrassed. I'm doing the blow thing.
And a boner. And a boner, yeah.
You have a boner and you're farting the entire time. Yeah, a lot of boners and a lot of farting.
But if I catch myself, if I do more than like, well, you know, if I have like one or two farts, whatever. But if I catch myself like repeating it every like 10 minutes and I'm like, I'll just get up and take a shit.
And it like, it's kind of harrowing to like go in there in there and sit down. There's a lady on the other side of the wall who's just huffing and puffing over coffee cups.
You're sitting there like... It is weird.
I like that little bathroom, though, on the airplane. Dude, I've gotten used to shitting in them, and I kind of like them, honestly.
It's cozy. It's cozy.
You're boxed in. You know what you're doing.
It's just all business. You're in and out.
The pee is a little hard for me. I'm me i'm six five so when i pee the wall's going like this you know i gotta do like a strange limbo piss i can't imagine because i'm i'm only like five ten i'm in a bath i'm in those airplane bathrooms i feel like fucking alice in wonderland i was like my cousin i have a lot of cousins who are your height like six five six six and i'm like how the fuck do they even i feel like slender man because you know that the middle of the door uh is like a fold so that open the door will open my knees are right on that thing and i'm like oh this will be oh shitting might be impossible for you might not be able to shit in there i've shit in there but it's like it'd be like my worst nightmare if that just pops open people waiting they're like i walked in on somebody one time they didn't lock the door i walked in on a a young young lady who I believe had just gotten her period.
Oh, no. And I walked in and she went, ah! And I just slammed it shut.
I had a flight attendant that grilled me like, you fucking pervert. And I had to be like, dude, I just opened the door.
It's not my fault. It's hot.
I just opened the fucking door. And then she was like, she came to her senses and was like, yeah, actually, that's kind of on her, and it was a big deal, bro.
She left a fucking glob of toilet paper. Oh, that's why you knew.
I had to come out, because I followed her up, and I had to come out and be like... Someone's got a tail.
That wasn't me, by the way. Yeah, I'd be like, yo, I didn't do that.
There's a bit of a situation over there. And it was like a big deal, and another girl made a big stink about it.
And dude, I felt bad for a little girl, because another girl came out after me and was like, ew like, someone got their period in the bathroom. I was just sitting there like, holy fuck, dude, that sucks.
That's rude. That was rude.
You got your period in the bathroom. Someone just got her period in there.
That'd be hilarious if they're like, Matt had his period in there. I didn't do it.
I could have been a popped popped hemi I didn't want to get like This guy just fucking have like an open sore Yeah

I just wanted to come out and be like

By the way

I went to the ladies

Like that was not me

What a legend

He made having a popped hemorrhoid sound cool

He was able to go

I don't know pop a hemi

You know what I mean

Yeah you could

Made it sound rad

You could

It's fucking rad

Damn that guy's got fucking nasty hemorrhoids

Like nope

That was a young girl getting her period That just popped a hemi dude I sleep on the phone We've both popped You could. It's fucking rad.
That guy's got fucking nasty hemorrhoids. Like, nope, that was a young girl getting her period.

That just popped a hemmy, dude.

I used to sleep on the plane.

We both popped hemmies before.

It's not good.

Oh.

I don't even know what a hemorrhoid is.

Well, butt sis.

I had a pylondial sis.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

It's like a-

It's no walk in the park, I'm guessing.

It is not a walk in the park, dude.

Imagine if a thing just, you know, your buttholes, you know, a perfect little butthole.

You got to poop out of it.

Yeah.

It's clear. Everything's fine.
Imagine if just something grew in front of that. Is that what it is? Yeah.
Well, there's different types of henroid, but the thing, we both got the same one where it's just like some part of your asshole just balloons full of liquid. Like an inflamed kind of thing? Like a nerve or something? Yeah.
Sinus tract. It's a sinus tract in your asshole.
Yeah. Sinus tract? Is there a way to avoid this? Like, is there something you did that...
Don't push too hard. I was straining a little bit and the number one is don't sit on the toilet and fuck around for a long period of time.
Interesting. Yeah, so I would sit there and on my phone...
Guilty of the first one, not guilty of the second one. You pop right up.
It's because I'm pushing so much. I'm like a little rabbit, man.
You should... If I went and took a shit right now, none of you would believe I took a shit.
You're quick. You're in.
They call it zero chance digest shit, dude. Really? But I'm in like a rabbit.
I'm fucking out. See, I like to read.
I'll sit there and read a book. I'll read on my phone.
Oh, interesting. Well, you're a family guy trying to get away from the wife and kids.
That's a big one, too, man. The shit break, for real, is serious.
And it's like you both police each other. It's value time.
You don't want to go back because you're because you're sitting there like i'm like i got a shit and you're just free because it's like you're at a job all the time so then you're like i got a shit my wife and she's like i got a shit you're just like you motherfuckers i'll be like don't be fucking around your phone come right back because i know she's fucking around because you know what you do it okay it's perfect don't be don't be fucking around your phone and i you know you start being like are you almost done you done? You start trying to be like, you're 10 minutes max. You're like, all right, let's go.
She'll be like, are you done up there? And I'm like, yeah, I'm done right now. We know what you're doing in there.
You're on Candy Crush. I can hear it going.
It's huge, man. Excellent or whatever.
Especially if you're reading a book. I'll get like engrossed in it.
You just forget. You're just like, damn, this is awesome.
And all of a sudden, I'm just like, oh, i got down there but yeah dude i got that one and it like i was at i was in school i went to school for social work like years ago uh in 2020 which is kind of fun but the uh i remember i was like doing i had to go to a test and i had to like jam i think it popped but i was worried oh no well i was i was waiting for it to pop and so i had to like put toilet paper between my ass cheeks because i had to do something that day in front of the class. A little man pond.
Exactly. It really was.
Did you get the smell? I think it popped at home, and I don't remember getting the smell. Okay.
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So every time I see my friends, we, like, shake hands. I'm going, is he got the dew on you?? And like, sometimes I'm just grabbing their penis.
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Terms and conditions apply. Wait, so how do you...
I don't know if you guys want to even talk about this, but do you have to get surgery to get rid of it? No, you can't. Or just wait.
You can. Last time I had one to go it was a i was thinking it was shane and tony and they were doing a thing for next in line not the nfl whatever nil deals and uh it was just so big i was just sitting on it it's terrible yeah i went to the hospital i went to the uh urgent care yeah and i like popped in the urgent care so the guy I was like, luckily it popped before I had to do anything.
It was like crazy. Yeah, I feel real lucky, Doc.
Thanks. It was just like squeezing my ass the whole time.
I'm such a bitch about these kind of things. I just was washing my ass too thoroughly.
So it was just dry. But it was so itchy that I was like, I've got to go to a professional.
I'm 40 now. I want to see what's going on.
And he was like you just are washing your ass too much. What's your ass watching regimen? Well I was just like in the shower.
I would just use like showered gel or soap to just make sure my asshole's clean. But like I'm using all these soaps and things.
But anyways. So once I saw him, he's like, your asshole's fine.
You know, he's like, you just need to not be. How did you show the doctor your asshole, by the way? I had to do the whole thing.
Like bend over? Was it on a seat? I laid on the bed thing. Because he gave me the whole 40-year-old check after that.
I figured like I'm half the age. Let's just check.
My asshole's fucked up. I've never had a dry asshole.
I'm more of a humid guy. Oh, so dry.
It was like. You had a chapped ass.
itch it so much that it would bleed, and I was like, I need to go because I'm itching. But what I was going to say is, if you could have...
Yeah, I'm a confident guy. I was such a bitch when I was in there.
I kept saying sorry to him. I was like, I'm sorry.
He's like, you're all right. I do this every day.
And then I was like, it's just dried out. And I was like, yeah, I'm sorry.
He's like, you don't you're alright. I do this every day and then I was like, he's like, it's just dried out.
And I was like, yeah, I'm sorry.

He's like, you don't have to keep...

What was the...

I just kept going, I'm so sorry.

I felt like MacGruber, like, I'll suck your dick, dude.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I fucked my ass up.

I have one job to keep

my ass alright and I fucked it up.

I was like, I feel terrible. I had to come in here and waste

your time. I don't even have a thing.

You're on antidepressants now. My whole fucking life's over.
I don't know why I felt so strange. Sorry, sir.
I had a show. Yeah, I had a show.
So I was getting eczema. I didn't realize it was eczema.
And it fucking hit my dick. But the problem was it was around that area, so I thought it was ringworm, so I was just bombing it with Ocherman cream.
And I wrecked my dick for like two months, and it was just dry and red. That's a terrible feeling.
And I had to go to it. Finally, I was like, fuck, I need to do an urgent care.
And I go in, and it was... First, the nurse had to look at just my shriveled, tiny red penis.
It's the worst, dude. I was like, all right, I did that.
I'm like, whatever. I think I had showed a dermatologist earlier who had no idea I think the dermatologist

this is before you had a family and all that

I had a family oh you did yeah I had a family

so I'm like it was terrible but I had to

so I do that I go to the urgent care a nurse looks at it

like oh let me bring someone in

dude the biggest black guy I've ever met

in my life I swear to god he's like

I gotta take a look at that I was like okay it was him

and then two nurses because they were arguing whether it was

ringworm or something else oh no

and then so it's just this dude and just two ladies

that all be like having like I don't think it's that

I'm going sitting there. They're using democracy.
Let's take a vote. But then eventually I went to, and nothing came of that.
They gave me whatever, and then I had to go to a dermatologist. They were the ones who prescribed the steroid ointment, and they were like, no, that's not what what this is at all.
Then they cleared up. That's great.
How good was that feeling? To not every time you go to the bathroom reminded of the problem that you have. It was crazy.
It was itchy and dry, but my dick. It would go away and flare up and go away.
It was just kind of like shit I was eating, I think. Then the dermatologist was also beautiful woman.
And just had to go back and be like... I got kicked out of an STD clinic because I refused to cooperate with the nurse.
What do you mean? I wanted to just get... So sometimes I would just randomly go get STD checks because I would break up with a girl and then hook up with a couple other girls.
And then that girl would be like, I know you were fucking around when we broke up. I want you to go prove you don't have anything.
And it always comes back clear. I'm not hooking up with homeless chicks.
You get a test and then if you don't have anything, I don't have anything. Why do I have to prove the paperwork? But they'll be like, well, I haven't slept with them.
Then I'll just say that too. If we're just using an office system.
That makes sense. You took a break and then came back.
So I'm in there and she just was asking all these questions and I was like in one of my Jeff Dye moods. You know, she was like, how many partners have you had? I'm like, don't worry about it.
And she's like, I need to know. I was like, no, you don't.
You don't need to know. And the nurse is like, I have to ask you this.
I was like, I know. Damn, she hit you with like you probably sleep with a lot of girls, don't you? That's what it felt like to me.
And maybe it was because I was projecting on her from like the conversation I just had with my girlfriend or something. She's like, how many partners have you had? And I was like, if it's more than zero, check my dick.
And she goes, sir. And I was like, no, but that's true.
Yeah. Just check my penis.
She wanted to know your body count, dude. Well, that's the thing.
She's like, bro, your body count is high as hell. Yeah, check.
Yeah, that's say i checked with a thousand women are you gonna check it more thoroughly yeah just check my cock like what's the problem it's for the government this episode is brought to you by call of duty calling all call of duty fans verdansk is back in call of duty war zone starting on april 3rd you'll be able to drop back into verdansk experience all the chaos relive the thrill you've been missing. Not only will you get the classic battle royale experience we all know and love, but Verdansk is back with upgraded graphics and gameplay.
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Why?

They need to know.

That is a fair question.

No, that is a fair question.

They don't need to know any of that. All they need to know is like, did you ever have sex before? And they go, all right, well, check your dick.
Oh, yeah. Because I said zero.
If you're a girl, there's no way they would do that. If you're a girl and they're like, how many people do you have sex with? That'd be kind of like offensive for girls.
Yeah, I thought it was strangely. My guy.
Yeah, it was so weird. and they didn't want any of my bullshit so you got kicked out I got kicked out before they did the test what'd you have to do then I lied to my girlfriend I was like yeah I got checked we'll see pretty cool a lot of good people up that place great spot you were done quick I know I know I know why is the date on this STD thing wrong? Why didn't you just say, like, I don't know, five? You should have been like a girl.
Like four. Yeah.
I guess I wanted to check, too. In my mind, I'm like, maybe I do have something.
You should have been like, I only eat pussy. So I don't know, whatever that counts as.
You should be furious. You've never ate my pussy.
I'm like, sorry. It's kind of an other girl thing.
Yeah, only. I haven't been to the doctor in years.
I can't wait to go back and answer the hard questions. Dude, I was pissed.
I'm going to tell them I do crystal meth. I'm like, yeah, I do crystal meth.
Yeah, that's what we should be lying. Overexaggerate everything to our physicians to see if they'll check us different.
Or if it's like, you know, you give blood. Like, have you had sex with a man in Africa after 1975? Just be like, oh, yeah.
Yeah, tons of times. Oh, yeah.
Run that twice. Put it in the center.
Yeah, I want to go back to the doctor and just while out it's like oh yeah the questions are in strange orders too thinking about that one because i went to um before we went to africa we had to get like a bunch of shots and stuff and uh not for covet don't worry and um they were like uh they're like have you had sex with anyone uh oh no have you been to? We're like, no, we're going to Africa. And the next question is like, have you had sex with anyone in Africa? I was like, well, no, I haven't been to Africa.
The question was just strangely worded. Yeah.
To get into Africa, you got to be like a virgin or you got to be like, I've never fucked anyone from this country? I guess, I don't know, it's maybe a part of the thousand questions they asked me that's fucked up though because no other country is like have you fucked anyone from here before it is because they asked you that on blood tests like you fuck somebody from africa in 19th it's a racist question it's kind of fucked up yeah you're gonna give your blood they're like yeah this african fucker you fucking african man in 1975 you don't want jeff's blood he's fucking all these people in Africa. I had one summer.
You had a wild. I had a hot African summer.
Me and Jane Goodall. It's ruined my medical history.
Yeah. Me and Jane Goodall is the fucking best example I've ever heard.
Yeah. I've been to the doctor in such a long time.
I stopped going around COVID. I was just done with it.
Done with doctors. They got real pushy, and I was just kind of like...
Every time I go there, they're like, oh, your cholesterol looks good. And I'm like, man, fucking, I don't care about that.
Doctors are just pill salesmen now. I believe that.
Yeah, well, I'm going to try to find one that I like. Just like, dude, run my blood.
Look for stuff that's actually important. Right.
I don't give a fuck. I find myself being dishonest with my doctor.
Everybody. They account for that.
When they ask you about drinking, they kind of, like, triple it, usually, or double it. Yeah, they'd be like, how much are you drinking? And I was like, I don't know.
He's like, well, like, three times a week? And I almost, like, laughed out loud, like, what a fucking pussy. He thinks I drink three times a week.
And then he's like, oh, more? And I was like, yeah, how about every day since 2001? Is that a lot? Yeah, true. That'll do it.
I'm actually a 20-year bender. I kind of keep them on the outs about everything.
I'm like, nah. Oh, really? I don't really drink that much, but I'm always just like, I don't, what the fuck? You don't need to know this.
That's what I'm saying. Just check our bodies.
These questions see what I'm saying. These questions are very intrusive.
Yeah, even like, do you smoke weed? I'm like, actually, lately I've been like, yeah. Sometimes.
Sometimes I do. Sometimes I get high and I freak the fuck out.
You guys like weed? You guys good at it? Yeah. I was, and then recently it's been like kind of, well, it's been like a back and forth thing.
It's like a, it's like Russian roulette. Every now and again, I can have like an amazing time and then I can just have like the most harrowing afternoon where I'm just freaked out.
Yes. I hate it.
My heart's just racing. And all my friends that smoke weed fucking love you boys, but you're losers.
You know? Like, like it's, I don't like. How do you figure? They're not like high achieving.
You know, they're, they're just doing nothing. That's, some people can smoke weed and.
And do nothing. Some people don't know anyone that's thriving.
Such a lame take. All my alcohol friends are fine.
Successful. All my friends that do mushrooms, they won't shut the fuck up about it.
They're happy as hell. They're making relationship connections.
They're doing beautiful things with their mind. And then all my weed friends fucking not doing shit.
It can happen. The people can burn out.
I think, I mean, our founding fathers smoked weed. Definitely not a patriot.
But the... They probably did good things then they smoked weed.
No way, dude. Here's the thing.
The weed's gotten too strong. I agree.
It's gotten way too strong. and it's like I have found I like to get the – it's called type 2 cannabis.
It's half CBD, half THC. It's chill.
If you smoke dabs and stuff, I do think that kind of can fuck people up. Interesting.
There are some people that can do it that are lawyers. All right.
Maybe here's where I'll adjust. I'm teachable.
Just enjoy it, right? Like I had to ask you you i didn't come in here and you're like oh it's fucking oh we got the weed painting yeah i got a marijuana leaf on my laptop those are the guys i'm talking about who can't even talk to me at a fucking smoothie place without taking a rip off some mechanical weed thing that's what who I'm talking about. No, you're absolutely right.

Kevin Smith, these fucking

losers that have some teenage obsession

with weed. That's who I'm criticizing.

Not a man with a wife and kids

and a successful career.

No, here's the thing.

It is fair because there is

it does fuck up

for me, it does fuck up productivity.

I have to wait till I'm done everything. If I'm like, I'm going to smoke weed and get creative and write, I'll just go for a walk.
And the kids fall off the balcony and you're like, oh, sorry. The dabs were where I kind of, there was like, I smoked weed since I was little and then there was the dabs and that's where I was like, I stopped.
I was like, that's too much. When the dudes just like blast the thing on a, did you ever see that? Just like a concentrated wax.
I watched that occur and I was like, that's too much. When the dudes just blast the thing on a...
Did you ever see that? Just like a concentrated wax? Yeah. I watched that occur and I was like...
Scientific, yeah. That's too much.
Dab is weed crack, basically. It is.
100%. But I will say, smoking a little bit of weed watching a movie.
It's the best. Going to the movies and smoking weed, it's the best.
I like starting a project and then start smoking so that I'm in it already. So then I just keep going through.
Okay. Yeah kind of project though give me an example i just edit videos okay yeah i will say something you got to get done i see yeah yeah i will say that does help i will say if you smoke weed while you're not doing anything for me i'll bug out sometimes and then it's like i'm just like why did i do this i'm bugging out but if i have a task i will still be bugging out but i'll be so engrossed in the thing it can have like an energizing effect.
Okay. Where I'm kind of bugging, where I'm like, I got to get this done.
I just kind of ride out the physical discomfort. But it is one of those things where you smoke weed.
I got to the point where I'd be like, why am I high? I don't even enjoy this. I would just be high and freaking out and thinking about stuff that I would forget instantly.
And I'd be like, why do I like this? And then you just freak out about that. And it's like, so I do agree.
Potheads are so optimistic too. Until bedtime.
Well, no, they'll say, no, I mean, they're optimistic about pot. Oh, okay.
I'll be like, oh, I hated that. And they're like, you got to try a different strand.
And I was like, all right. And then we'll try a different.
I'm from Seattle, so it's been legal my whole life. So they'll be like, alright, try this.

And I've had, like, after 30 times,

I'm like, I think I just don't like this.

Yeah, this is not for me. And they're like, but try...

Sativa?

Guys, I can't... And all that's

bullshit, too. They're so, like, mixed together

now, too, and they're like, dude, no.

You're more of this. And if you have now, it's like the...

They'll be like, well, probably... Terpene probably doesn't.

Now, you need more humuline. It's like, dude, you have no have no fucking idea when i got a dui they weren't like maybe try brandy what was it scotch you were drunk on scotch yeah yeah it is it is one of those things where it's like i like i've been smoking weed since i was like 14 i like it but it's like as i've gotten older it's become less and less and i used to be high all my dude.
You were like a rapper. Pretty much.
Yeah. Yeah, I was just high.
I was also selling weed, just stoned all the time. I was a lot like a rapper.
You were in the market, dude. I was a lot like a rapper.
But it is weird. I will say there's a point when you smoke weed when you're younger, and it's like before you have stuff to bug out about as much, you feel like you're on the limitless drug.
Really? You're just kind of like, dude, I'm so fucking smart. Then you forget it all, though.
You go home and you're literally like, what the fuck was I thinking about? But there was like a four-year period of my life that I was high all the time selling weed, and I was like, dude, I might be the smartest guy ever. Do you like mushrooms? I love mushrooms.
Yeah, me too. Mushrooms, I think, are greater than weed, I would say.
Oh, way better. And also, I feel like that made me smarter.
Yeah. My friends all say to me, like, dude, you came back different.
Like, What was your mushroom experience? What did you do? How much or where was I setting? The whole thing. My first time ever, I knew I wanted to do it for a long time and my boy Randy Valerio was like, he's like king mushroom guy.
He was like, I got you. Just tell me when.
We've planned this trip out to like um what's the hottest desert in the world it's in california uh the goby no it's uh it doesn't really matter it's like this valley yeah it's like where they film like star wars some of the things i can't remember yeah death yeah so we go to death valley and we waited till nighttime and then we just all took a shit ton of mushrooms it's just three of us dudes who like trust each other and know each other and it was the most beautiful experience of my life it's awesome it was absolutely incredible and we took a lot and then and then so after that every couple months right it wasn't like a daily thing slowly built up to like four and a half grams is like what we would that's like the dose we yeah we only go like full journey we're not doing like a little yeah yeah where'd you the desert? Did you like camp in there? We had a hotel room, but we were glamping. You guys were glamping.
No, for sure. Yeah.
We went to the woods to do that. I'm a glamping guy.
And then walked across the street to our hotel. I'm a glamping guy myself, dude.
I kind of, I enjoy, you know, give me an indoor. No one's ever taken me real camping.
Me either. I want to go real camping.
I've never done it either, honestly. Soberrated.
What is it? Yeah. Soberate it? You got to sleep in a tent and shit in the ground.
I would rather be outside all day and then hit like a yurt. But I just want to do it for a couple days or something.
Or even just one day. Yeah.
Because here's the thing. My buddies go, we'll take you camping.
And I've had girls go, we'll take you camping. And then they take me to some national park where I can see other people like me setting up their stupid picnic table.
I want to be in nature.. Here's where we have to set the tent down.
Dude, I agree. I've never gone camping.
We would put a tent in my backyard and sleep back there. It doesn't count.
I want to go. But I have two daughters, so I'm waiting to see if either of them want to go camping.
I'm going to spearhead. My wife has no interest in it at all.
Really? I don't don't want to do it for like a month. I don't want to like, you know.
Not even a night. If I can speak on behalf of your wife.
City blacks hate like grass. I know.
I know. My wife's black from Chicago.
She does not want to camp whatsoever. Yeah.
But my daughters, the white side of them might whisper to them. Yeah.
Might crave it. Let's leave them.
this sucks yeah bare feet on the ground too city blacks that's a funny is that a term city blacks country blacks rural blacks I'm a mix of a city and a rural black interesting you are a little country you are a little country oh man I had to You are a little country. Oh, man.
I had to do a project.

I didn't have to.

I got to do a project in Atlanta.

Yeah.

And it changed my perspective on black people.

I was like, God did this to keep me from being racist.

Oh, in Atlanta?

All my favorite people in the world.

What was the project?

It was a game show where we would shoot 10 episodes a day.

It was quite a grind of work, but it made me there for like six weeks. And like I had to live in a hotel.
So every day I would see black women that like, you know, southern black women who worked at the front. I'd have, you know, if I was going to eat food at a restaurant, it was just all these like southern Atlanta black people.
And I was like, my favorite group of humans this is the this is amazing yeah you down yeah i like church city black people you know atlanta has the highest percentage of black people with eight really how do you know that it's a strange stat yeah because i don't know i don't know why but all those download brothers went to atlanta i. What? You nailed it.
What? The down low's in Atlanta. That's where they go.
Really? They go down low. I was just going off.
There was a ton of gay black dudes. Oh, well, they're all in Atlanta, too.
Yeah, I'm just going off the Bravo Network. Yeah.
Bravo Network is just gay black guys in Atlanta on every show. Dude, Atlanta rules.
This is the best is like best city Damn, so that's where homo thugs go To have sex with men on the low, Atlanta Yeah Shit Doesn't look good for Tyler Perry Dude, Tyler Perry He fucking built He's bricks and mortar down there, dude Yeah, dude And you know, in his studio Every building is named after other famous black people Really? It's probably not looking good for those guys either There's like a Will Smith studio Jamie Foxx Oh really Yeah He's like a Diddy Party alum Yeah When are we going to get this list Yeah they're not going to give it man Also there's like Once the list comes out No one will care Yeah They did that Epstein Island list. People were interested about it for like

30 minutes. Well, Stephen Hawking's was

a revelation. That was crazy.
That was a big one.

David Copperfield. But nothing

happened. David Copperfield.
He did a show

last night in Vegas. It changed nothing.

I know. That didn't change it.
And the

Diddy Party stuff, everyone's going, well, I was there, but I

left at 3 a.m. After I leave,

that's whenever. Sure.
It's like, hey, how do you know?

B. So no one's going to care.
It's also

kind of bullshit, in my opinion, to be, like, if you're in the 90s getting freaky as hell. Yeah.
You're getting accused now. It's like, dude, the 90s were genuinely totally different.
So it's one of those things where it's like, yeah, it's like it sucks, but it's also like. Well, and also people are just inconsistent.
The real rule, or not rule, but the real way people navigate their minds is if you like the person you're fine with it and if you don't like them then you're outraged yeah burn them on a cross yeah david bowie like admitted in his book to like banging 13 year olds yeah but it's david bowie so they go yeah that guy rules anthony kiedis is in his book he was like he had sex with a 16 or 17 but he wrote it it's like's like, I feel like when people tell on themselves, you're like, all right, bro. Yeah.
Good for you. Yeah.
It's like, fuck dude. That's a sick story.
This guy's owning it. But he really looks good on you.
He's doing the eight mile, man. He's trying to get ahead of it.
Oh, what are you going to say now? Yeah. Oh, so I gave quaaludes to a girl.
It also, there's also an aspect. There's an, you think Cosby's bad? Check out my book.
Yeah. The, an aspect, too.
It depends on what you have. If you're in command of an important cultural job that other people want, there's more of an uproar around your misdeeds than if you don't really have much going on.
That's why the ditty list is so interesting. Because if he was just guilty of being nefarious as a a rock star or thug rapper would be it would be no story but black people are still working on the gay shit you know that every group's got their own things they're working on so this one is encroaching into a new territory for them yeah yeah freaky ass they're going on freaky ass well he also also like not only that but apparently according to all like the court stuff he would like like imagine if i brought you in here and i was just like oh dude this would be a sick podcast and the whole time during breaks i was just like goosing you he was like doing that but then being like but then holding like a genuine like you know like i'm gonna give you a million dollars to produce.
Oh, fuck yeah. But then the whole time he'd be like spreading you open.
Let me see that chap little fucking. It is weird.
And you're like, that was his real. Yeah.
It wasn't even just. You know how much oil I have here, Jeff? I can help this.
It wasn't even just the gay freaky stuff. It was like, I mean, that is obviously for sure.
Nobody likes that at all. But it's like, especially talking about like the black community.
It's like, yeah, you can't. Don't fuck around.
They don't fuck around about gay stuff at all. Yeah.
And then it was like, I mean, that is obviously for sure. Nobody likes that at all.
But it's like, especially talking about the black community. It's like, you can't, don't fuck around.
They don't fuck around about gay stuff at all. Yeah.
And then it was like the power of being like basically holding someone prisoner. I always think about that.
Like, I always like to think that like if my boss of anything I had, I mean, this is, it's hard for me to try to pretend to be someone else. That's why I struggle with it.
Yeah. But it's like, if my boss was like doing things, I'm such an impulsive person that I'd be like, what the fuck? I would just blow it up.
I wouldn't be able to keep a secret to keep a career or job. Then I'll enter this into the equation.
You're going to the parties. He's like, you're getting blown.
He's hooking you up. It's crazy.
And then at the end of it, he slept a little something in your drink and then he just fucking started goosing you. You're like, boy, what the fuck? I like all this other stuff.
That one part was weird. Yeah, I like all this other stuff.
Well, I'll just bottle that up for later when I fucking kill my wife at age 55. I'm love, Jeff.
You gotta like this. Yeah.
Yeah, true. It's kind of going away now, though.
I feel like people don't really... They use...
I think it might have been kind of heightened during the election, because it was kind of like shame on the libs sure that was lib shame epstein was like a little everyone was caught in that but the diddy stuff was kind of like shame on the libs yeah oh yeah it does suck you don't get there's no closure on it it's just kind of like yeah that guy was raping kids and uh anyway back to work everybody it's crazy like the what people care about or pretend to care about because of the diddy list too they go, hey, he was at a party. You can't prove he did anything.
It's like Chris Tucker went to Epstein Island. I know.
Like three times. And he's like, I played golf.
I didn't even know they were doing that there. But I mean, maybe he's telling the truth.
Maybe he's not. But it's like, you'll always have that out.
Like, I just went there because they're rich guys. I know.
So who wouldn't have wanted to go to a Pdy party before you knew what a P. Diddy party was doing? Everyone would have went.
Every single person who's being like fucking weird bullshit. If they had gotten invited in 1997.
I'd still go today. Because I only learned.
He knows the consequences. Maybe start throwing.
Keep it alive. Keep tradition alive.
It's like when I go to parties now and I'm like, I don't drink. Yeah.
Oh, no, I'm not doing the raping thing. You guys have fun, though.
I'm just happy to be here. Got a pic with J-Lo.
How's not drinking been? It's been great. You're off the sauce.
Yeah, totally sober. I feel great.
It's been amazing. It's one of those things that is everywhere, but once you don't do it, you're like...
Oh, my God. It's great for you.
Everyone else has a problem. They go like, what the fuck is that? Yeah, I feel like because it was such a big part of my lifestyle

that like there's some disappointment,

but then also like my buddies have been kind of supportive of like,

dude,

you're way more fun to be around.

Like you don't just ditch us for a chick at like 10 p.m.

or like hammered.

Yeah,

like we're having actual conversations and cigars and,

you know,

we're connecting in ways that we didn't used to.

So it's been mostly positive.

It occasionally rears its head. Yeah.
Like I think I've dodged a real... Last night I did Kill Tony, and afterwards everyone hangs out at the bar called Mitzi's.
And there was this girl who might have been one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life, but she was just so intoxicated that I left. She terrified me.
Just her being near me was so scary. But if I was old, Jeff, we would have definitely been...
You'd have been so hammered that you would have gotten drunk and been like... That is such a tricky one, man.
Drunk women were like boons back in the day. What a glorious bounty.
Why did the universe provide me? Now you're like, dude, get the fuck away from me. I wanted nothing to do with it.
She kept grabbing my face. I was like, hey, don't fucking touch me.
Get off me. Get a fuck.
Don't even. Which normally, yes, you, but you're so drunk.
Yeah. That's the bad part about being a guy, too, in modern times, at least in America.
It's like, not only if I'm drunk, do I have to be responsible for drunk Jeff's behavior, and it will be held accountable in a court of law, but I have to also be responsible for her drunkenness. Yeah.
It's like, I have to be responsible for both of us. Dude, someone's got to do it.
That's how I look at it. It's like, yeah, dude, you shouldn't be that drunk.
Especially if you're a girl. It's like, yeah, you should, in theory, just be like, let me get you home, you lady.
You seem pretty inebriated. A lot of bad guys out here.
It's tough to be responsible for both of us when I'm hammered. It is bullshit.
That's the thing. Somebody's got to pull their pants up.
So last night, I had to be responsible for her. I was like, hey, I'm not going to even touch you.
That's the thing. But if I was drunk, Jeff, we'd have fucked in the bathroom.
That's why it's a sin to be that drunk. You should be punished for that.
Somebody else touched you, dude. This all took a real turn.
You should. You shouldn't get that drunk.
It's unbecoming of anyone. But as a woman, it's understandable.
As a guy, it's completely ridiculous to be that drunk. I know.
But no, it is crazy. My worst behavior.
We're both blacked out and I go to jail. Right, it's crazy.
It is bullshit. That is the rules.
But I'm just trying to take dudes to the next level right now. It's beautiful.
You shouldn't be that. No one should be that drunk.
With this headset and this, it does feel like a church. The earlier analogy is perfect.
That's that's why it's sin to be that drunk jeff it's an absolute sin you shouldn't be that drunk you know or you should you should always be have your wits you know with that's where coffee came uh that's like coffee caught on in america because it was like a total counterpoint to alcohol interesting because alcohol was so prevalent in everyday everyday life where like the water quality wasn't great so you would just chug pint of ale and go hit the farm. Wow.
And then people started being like, dude, alcohol is bullshit. And they started drinking.
People didn't know the numbers on coffee, so they'd have nine cups of coffee a day. And just coffee shops were- Europe must be pissed about that espresso martini.
They're like, these fucking idiots, it's supposed to be for the- Yeah, dude. No, even in America, coffee shops before computers, you would drink like 12 espressos and just stand there and be like, these fucking idiots are supposed to be for them.
Yeah, dude. No, even in America, you would like coffee shops before computers, you would drink like

12 espressos and just stand there and be like, I'm from Michigan.

I'm in the lumber company.

And you would network with other just jacked up entrepreneurs.

That's why I shit so fast, dude.

I'm having like 10 coffee.

That'll get you.

Yeah.

I've already had two coffees this morning before I got here.

Did you really?

Yeah.

There's my, I'm going to hit fuck you up.

I'm off of caffeine.

Off of that.

Totally off of caffeine. I think that? Totally off of caffeine.

I think that's harder to get rid of than

alcohol. I would say a thousand percent.

I would much rather get crushed coffee

early in the morning than drink

any day of the week. I fucking

love caffeine. But I'm

sensitive to it. I wouldn't even know what

to do with my day if I didn't have coffee.

Well, let me tell you about it. Because I like

the whole process. So do I.

I drink decaf, so I'll drink

totally decaf coffee. I started drinking raw milk recently.
Real milk? Raw milk. What is raw milk? Raw milk is when they don't pasteurize it.
You don't do... How do you get that? Get it from a farmer.
Okay. You've got to sign up in Texas.
I don't know any fucking farmers. Google, brother.
In Texas, you just Google... We haven't gone to a farmer's market, but you have to order it a week before because they don't like you can't buy it on the spot dude i'm not lying i know i don't care about raw milk i never cared i was like let me just try it because i was curious i heard it helps with like dairy intolerance yeah dude i started drinking this four days ago i i feel amazing really and i looked it up because i was like the fuck's in this in this shit? Yeah.
All the vitamins. It's a complete food.
All the vitamins and minerals. They have, I think, every...
Like, if you took a vitamin, raw milk has every single thing in that vitamin. They have, you know, vitamin A, Bs, blah, blah, blah.
Right, right. There's a couple they don't have a lot of.
And every mineral. And it's all wildly bioavailable.
How are you drinking this shit? Like, just straight out of a glass? Straight out of a glass. Oh my god.
I make decaf coffee and I pour a ton of raw milk in there

and dude I swear to god. Yeah.

I'm not making this up. You know whatever.

I feel amazing. Really?

I'm sleeping better. It's insane.

It apparently has like hormone effects.

It does all kinds of shit.

That is the next part. I shook the booze thing

which I feel great about. I'm very proud of it.
It's been a year

and two weeks. But the

thing with... I'm eating trash

dude. Eating bad.
I've been eating bad

for a long time. It's tough.
You're trash.

Thank you. I feel great about it.
I'm very proud of it. It's been a year and two weeks.
But the thing with... I'm eating trash, dude.
Eating bad. I've been eating bad for a long time.
It's tough. You're traveling a lot.
That's the tough one. Yeah, McDonald's is available, you know.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Dude, when I have...
How many points you got? You know what I do? No, I don't get the... You don't have to collect the points, dude.
Nice. You know what I do, though? When I go away for the weekend, I'll go food shopping, get a rotisserie chicken and some fruit.
But I don't even do that at my own home, let alone if I was on the road. But no, I'm telling you, dude, get on the Royal Milk Train, dude.
Yeah, I'll check it out. You could probably get in LA.
There's a lot of that. Oh, for sure, dude.
I swear. I'm not.
I want someone else to drink this shit because it's like, I can't believe how good. It's a superfood.
It is, dude. It this on the patreon thing it's tied to neo-nazis so you can't like apparently milk has like connections to like white supremacy due to like the legend that like the ancient Aryans were the only people who could digest just make it sound cooler my friend was like you gotta be careful they're all milk it's like nazi stuff and I was like how and explain it to me I'm like fuck dude that sounds so fucking cool.
They're all milk. It's like Nazi stuff.
And I was like, how? And explain it to me. I'm like, fuck, dude, that sounds so fucking cool.
But also, it's ridiculous. It's crazy.
Yeah, they also drank water. Oh, God, I don't want to drink water because they...
Well, there's been articles written about is milk racist. And they're saying, because apparently anyone, white people can tolerate dairy as a group combined better than any other group.
And they say that that's what the Aryans did. It's pretty easy to make those statistics when you just lump it as white.

How many countries are white?

Yeah, but I think all of them can have milk.

I think if you're not white.

I think if you're not white.

True, like Eastern Europe

maybe might get the bubble guts for milk.

Jews are pretty white.

They can't have anything.

Yeah, true. Not even a country.

So it's like

Thank you. Jews are pretty white.
They can't have anything. The Jews.
Yeah, true. Yeah.
Not even a country. So it's like the white is so vague.
But I think, yeah, I think it's, again, it's like one of those things like as a group. It was like I think black people get crushed with lactose intolerance.
And you guys crush the dairy, too. My gut's hurt right now.
That a boy. Yeah, dude.
I'm doing it for his country, though. Yeah, and Asian people can't fuck with dairy either.
Really? I didn't know that about them. I didn't know any of this.
What about Indian guys? They love creamy things. They do like creamy things.
And spicy things. But they use coconut milk.
They use a lot of coconut milk. Strong guts over there.
Yeah, yeah, true. They use coconut milk and a lot of their stuff is yogurt based which probably lessens the sting.
Dude, I'm crushing like in the, eight ounces of whole milk. And you enjoy it.
It's not like you're trying to get through it for the superfood. Oh my God, I love it, dude.
The day I drank it, again, I have no ties to any sort of milk company. I was taking Zyrtec.
You know when you take allergy medicine, you're kind of like, oh. I had like heavy brain fog.
I wasn't planning on this. I crushed it.
As soon as I got back from the farmer's market, I was like, yes. I poured up a huge glass of milk, crushed it.
And dude, within like 10 minutes, I was like, what the fuck? I felt like my brain just like kicked on. It was nuts.
I'm definitely trying. Dude, I'm telling you.
I live in a city that'll be the easiest to find. For sure.
If you just Google raw milk. Right.
They'll bring it right to my door. They probably will.
I could have it in 15 minutes. He's gone a week before, not in LA.

Yeah, it's on GoPro, right? They got some bullshit for sure.

Yeah, Texas.

It is bullshit.

I guess they'll wait a week.

They don't want them kind of letting it sit around for too long.

They want you to fresh order or whatever.

But my thing is it's always a thing like you can get sick.

With our technology now, they have to be able to test a batch of raw milk. Does this does this have tuberculosis all these other things you can just test it like no it's fine because they're like you could get really sick it's like who said that like internet they're like oh you can also get this and that and it's like dude i'm just gonna chug this shit if it's more natural that should be better you would but it's i get it like if it's you know when you're milking a cow like you know the cow can just take a shit they're not going to be like, excuse me, sir.
They'll just rip a dump. The worry is if it fucking gets into the milk.
Those calves are so strong. I don't want to be as strong as a calf.
Yeah, exactly. It's like breast milk, dude.
You feel fucking... I mean, I'll stop talking about it, but Jesus Christ.
It's been a revelation for me, dude. I like it.
I'll be in, dude. You're going to get a text from me in a week.
I tried it, dude. My brain's on.
You're going to be firing, dude. I'm excited.
I'm going to be pissed. I'll be like, this shit's not working.
I got a thick milk mustard. I'm just sitting on the couch going, I've been fooled again.
You're just farting nonstop. He told me Nazis did this.
That's all part of his get Jeff to do it thing. No, I'm telling you, man.
I'm trying to make everyone in my house drink it, and everyone's like, not feeling it. Because it is tough to drink.
Immediately my brain went to, can I put chocolate syrup in it? You could if you want it. Or if I steam it, does that take some of the...
No. So you have to steam it's a certain temp.
And then I think you'd have to do it for a certain period of time. But I forget what it is.
But I was worried if I dump it into hot coffee, does it like... Will it curdle? It's got to hit like 150, I think.
To curdle? Not to curdle, but to... I used to crush eggnog.
And people were like, that's disgusting. And I was like, yeah, but it's so good.
Eggnog rules. Yeah, but it's just so flavor-y.
And that's the thing. If I could make it taste like eggnog, I would crush real milk all day.
Dude, put it in a smoothie. You can put it in a smoothie.
I'm about to make a raw milk smoothie when we get home. No, we're talking.
But you only have like five days. So I'm going to charge up, and then I'm going to have to go off the juice for a little bit.
You're in rogue towns. You guys got real milk? Sipping from the udder.
I didn't know dairy was such a big thing where most people are allergic to it now because the way they do it now, apparently nobody can really stomach it. Oh, really? It destroys everything.
It's like breast milk. How breast milk is really good for you, but if you just fucking boiled it in a microwave, you've destroyed literally an elixir.

Yeah. That is the new hunting,

trying to find things that are good for you.

Our ancestors had to be like, go shoot an animal

and skin it and whatever and

keep it cold and then cook it. Now

our hunting is going to the grocery store

and finding anything that's good for you.

Literally, you could go to Whole Foods. Doesn't matter.

Half that's trash. Dude, 90,

90, if you go to, say you go to a convenience store, 99% of the stuff in there is terrible for you. Oh, yeah.
It's all garbage. We're eating garbage.
Even Whole Foods. Yeah, a lot of it's just shit and seed oils.
The grocery store, the thing is, if you stay on the outer aisles, it's produce and then meat. But even that produce, they found a way to inject it and do all this shit.
Look at the biggest shit, these apples. I don't know yeah or you'll go to like a real health place where they're like everything in here is good for

you and the carrots like 20 you're like what the fuck is this yeah yeah that's the new hunting it

is well here's the thing too and when people like the food like say like organic produce is too

expensive it's like dude you'll die if you don't have it 100 it should take up you know it should

be i it does suck but it's also like like even before like you know i did well i would always

spend way more money on food than anything people spend money on fucking bullshit it's like dude food do you think they're gonna murder us after this podcast for like talking about the food industry like that dude yeah i think the jig's up dude i think uh hopefully someone cracks down on them they have they have the new chair lady you ever see uh f lena something she's been cracking down on it she's been getting crazy really it was like there was like a maybe like a couple weeks ago fda yeah she was like there's like a they kind of they kind of shit the bed pretty hard she's she was like there was a presentation of them with like it was like here's the european version of oh yeah i saw that here's the american oh right yeah yeah yeah she's doing that with like all the here's the thing michelle Obama's original thing was like food. Yeah.
She was like, I'm going to make it healthy and all these young kids, but we got to do something about it. And it's like someone took her in her back room and was like, listen, bitch, you know how much money you fucking give? And then she was like, maybe just go outside and run a little bit.
Maybe just run outside. Maybe it's about fitness.
10 minutes a day. She's like, what happened to the food part you were talking about? Yeah, I don't think they, nothing happened with that.
She changed. She immediately turned it into like a fitness thing as opposed to a food thing.
Really? Yeah, immediately. Well, dude, they have somehow sighed up dudes to be like, it's like pussy shit to worry about food.
Every dude I know, they have like, what's in that? They're like, I don't give a fuck. I'll eat this right now.
It's like, dude, you're going to die. You're going to die.
They're eating the cardboard that it came in. You're like, no, dude.
I'm a real man. My whole family's like that.
All my dads and uncles are like, what are you, a fucking girl? I don't give a shit. I'll eat like 40 cheese steaks and it's just like, dude, you're going to fucking die.
I don't know why. It's like crazy.
I'm trying to ask my own self. Why is that cool? It's a psyop.
I don't think it's a psyop. It's just that masculinity is not caring if you die.
It's lazy. Yeah, that's fair.
But also, what about peak performance? What about the Da Vinci Man? What about going peak performance, taking yourself to the highest level? That guy had like five bruises before he took that pick. That painting.
Yeah. It is kind of like what makes it cool to be a man, you know?

Yeah.

Just to dilapidate yourself.

Some people think a man has got like a big beard and he doesn't give a shit and he's

got an axe, you know?

And then some people think like James Bond is cool.

Yeah.

But James Bond is like wearing this fucking three-piece suit and he's drinking fine vodka. That's true, yeah.
So it's kind of like. But he's killing people.
So that's the thing. If you kill people, you can dress kind of gay.
But he's got to eat right. You know, like that.
True, that's true. You've got Bond going, well, you guys don't drink real milk? And they go, what a fucking faggot over there.
Shut up. So it's like kind of, they're both men.
But then he goes like. You got to decide which man.
True. You know, you want to be.
It's a fair point. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's a. if you even bring up...
A lot of times in private conversation, like, what is that some of the stuff? But you get a bunch of dudes together, like, I don't give a shit about that. I know.
There's something like when girls go out, they can pamper themselves. When dudes get together, they just try to destroy themselves.
It's kind of funny, yeah. It's kind of sick.
Well, maybe it's a test. Actually, I think I know the answer to it, but go ahead.
I was going to say, all my friends, they always go for the easiest option. It's like, bro, there's better options.
Don't just pick the first one because it's easy. Yeah, 100%.
That's true. It's lazy.
People are dumb and lazy. They're right about that.
I think that the reason men would do that to each other is it is a test of toughness. It's a test of like, can we, you know, oh, you care about that? We're tough.
We're tough. And that's healthy.
Because men have always had to be tough. That's true, but it's like, my thing is like, why, because I've done that.
I don't give a fuck. I'll eat that.
Then I just have like a quiet tummy quiet tummy ache and I'm like I don't want this tummy ache but the inner caveman in you back in the day had to like not care about how cold it is because he had to kill a wolf you know so like there was there's this idea of like not caring about your well being to be a fucking man yeah true but I every now and again I'll get that's still in there I'll be real good I'll be doing well eating Every now and again, I'll be real good.

I'll be doing well eating. I feel great.

Then I'll be like, I can relax.

I'll just get the biggest tummy ache.

Why do I do this to myself?

There's nothing less masculine than having a tummy ache.

It sucks, dude.

Laying in a hotel room, burping

by myself. But my tummy.

What the fuck did I eat that? Fuck.

I gotta tighten up. I've never had fish and chips at a pub and not had a stomach ache.
Yeah, it's every time. And I've like, I go, I'm never ordering this again.
I fucking forget like six months later. Every time.
You're like, fuck, dude. It was so good and I'm hurting.
Every fucking time. Well, I think we covered a lot of topics here.
I think we got to the bottom of a lot of things. I think so, too, man.
Jeff Dye, thank you for coming.

Thanks for having me. Thanks for coming on, man.

Thanks for withstanding this format.

What did you think of standing? I prefer it.

It's kind of nice, right? It's the future. I think it's absolutely the future.

Podcasting now, dude, after this election.

Who made them?

Some guy on Amazon. Really? Yeah, Chinese guy.

Oh, wow. Yeah, also,

too, I don't know if I even have the remote on me. I didn't even

show you this feature, but yeah, dude, these things go fucking nuts, bro. Let me see.
Yeah, wow. Yeah, also, too, I don't know if I even have the remote on me.
I didn't even show you this feature, but yeah, dude, these things go fucking nuts, bro. Let me see.
Yeah, nuts. Oh, there we go.
No, he wasn't lying. This is sweet.
You should get some pyro in there. I should.
It should be amazing. And if it goes bad, it'll just be funnier.
Hilarious. Like if the pyro screws up.
We could get some baby pyro probably. No, probably not.
It'd be amazing. Just the smoke is collecting in here is not even that grandiose.
True. Well, dudes, thank you so much.
Thanks for having me, brother. Dude, appreciate it.
Lamees, thank you, brother. Do you guys have anything you want to plug, by the way? Oh, yes.
Go for it. Please.
Go for it. December 20th and 21st, I gonna be at Raleigh good nights please come and then

January 15th

at the Philly Hill

please go there too

hell yeah

great club

yeah you can go to

jeffdye.com

or follow me on my socials

and all my live dates

are there

right on

love you guys