Ep 532 - Dark Queen & Cuck King (feat. Adrienne Iapalucci)

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, Wes.

Speaker 1 Thank you for doing the podcast. Thanks for having me.
I'm doing my professional broadcast. I love it.
I'm counting this as exercise that I'm standing the whole time. You'll feel it tomorrow.

Speaker 1 I like, I swear to God, I wake up the next morning. I'm like, dude, did I like work all day? I'm like, technically, I worked, but I'm like, I never feel like physically exerted.
Like I exerted myself.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, I feel like I'm putting in an honest day when I see a podium. Even just shifting weight from foot to foot.
I feel like this is picking up me breathing. I know.

Speaker 1 It's a whole fucking thing.

Speaker 1 It took me forever to figure it out. Pease.

Speaker 1 I'm moving it away. Can you still hear me if I move it away better? Okay.

Speaker 1 Adrian Appalucci. Yes, Matt McCusky.
Is it Adrian or Adrian?

Speaker 1 What do you prefer? I guess Adrienne, but I know. I'm open to it.
Adrian Appalucci. I have a serious fear of mispronouncing people's names, so I just usually don't say them ever.
That's smart.

Speaker 1 Well, people pick up on it. When you call someone like, dude, for the fifth time, they're kind of like, all right.
I prefer it, though. Me too.

Speaker 1 I don't think we need names. I meet everyone.
I'm terrified. I'm going to mess their name up.
I'm like, hey, what's up, man? They're like, hi, Matt. And I'm like, all right, dude, don't show off, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just be like, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up, man? How you doing? Yeah, also if someone doesn't know my name, it's like not offensive. Some people get offended.

Speaker 1 You know, comedians get offended about that. Comedians get offended by everything, but it's like, I don't, if you don't know my name, it's like, I have no idea who you are either.
Like, exactly.

Speaker 1 It's perfect. Yeah.
Perfect. It is nice.
I will say, we were talking about this briefly, but the idea of like, luckily we met last night, I was happy we got to hang out. Yes, me too.

Speaker 1 Because it's like, dude, meeting for the first time. On a podcast is weird.
And then filming it. That's the worst part.
Then you're filming the encounter.

Speaker 1 It's like Love on the Spectrum, where you have to just just like film a terrible encounter and just be like, So, uh, what is your take? It's just, it's been a nightmare, man.

Speaker 1 I miss, I miss, I miss my co-host. Oh, bad, he's gonna, he's gonna come back, he's probably very excited.
So, you know,

Speaker 1 it's um, yeah, I mean, again, it's like I, I, I've gotten to the point now where I'm like, I could just go get, like, I don't want to get a regular job, but I feel like I, uh, if it happened, I'd be like, Yeah, I had a good run.

Speaker 1 But every day's a business.

Speaker 1 You have like a huge following.

Speaker 1 I know, but I.

Speaker 1 I'm closer to a day job than you yeah perhaps but it's like this is the way i think it's like i'm you know what would you do would you go back to what you were doing before you would like try something new i think i would try something new like what therapist i think you need like schooling i have my social work masters i got my master's in social work excuse me excuse me but no listen i don't know anything about you

Speaker 1 i know matt mcmaster that's about it i know i know and that's good man i think that is a good thing i

Speaker 1 I don't know. So you have

Speaker 1 you just got the Netflix special. Congratulations.
That's fucking awesome. How do you feel? Do you feel like...

Speaker 1 I feel good about it. I honestly thought people would be more upset.
Why? I don't know. I guess because it's some touchy topics.
I have gotten some like nasty DMs, which is fun. Did you really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 One lady, I guess, got upset by the Gaza stuff, and she told me I was a disappointment to Hitler. Like, I'm worse than Hitler.
He would be disappointed by my jokes.

Speaker 1 Wait, you're saying she's saying that you would have offended Hitler? She's saying that my joke, first of all, she didn't even understand the joke. She's saying it's like egregious towards Jews.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, you don't even understand the joke. But also then she's like, you're so bad that you would disappoint Hitler.
Like Hitler would think I was over the line. That's a bold claim.

Speaker 1 I was like, what a huge feat to disappoint Hitler. Yeah, true.
Or just being him being like, this lady is a menace. This lady's an absolute menace who needs to be stopped.
She needs to be stopped.

Speaker 1 Let's get me back there. History will remember her for all time for the atrocities she committed.
Yeah, and then like some other lady told me, she's like, you're going to get fucking canceled, bitch.

Speaker 1 I'm like, by who?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, true. Well, it's, it's,

Speaker 1 so, yeah, and then I guess, like, tell me your situation. So, are, is this like your first foray into kind of like the public consciousness? Or, like, what you've been

Speaker 1 doing? 20 years.

Speaker 1 I put an album out, and then I did the Degenerates like four years ago on Netflix, which is like just a short set so you're no you're no stranger to

Speaker 1 is this like is this like more of a swell of like people like hitting you up now or like have you been dealing with people like that i mean i've always gotten people like even at a show being upset or like after telling me stuff yeah

Speaker 1 it is weird how everyone feels like they need to tell you what they think yeah you know like that's a weird part i guess of social media that you didn't realize was oh i didn't realize that was going to happen when we first got on that everyone has an opinion and they think it matters oh yeah big time especially when you're just like,

Speaker 1 did you get upset when you read like nasty messages or is it just kind of like I think maybe years ago when I first started and I didn't understand it, but like I don't care now.

Speaker 1 Actually, I enjoy them. Do you think it's kind of funny? Yeah, I think it's kind of funny.
Once all you give me so much power that you're so mad. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're worked up that you have to tell me how you feel. Yeah.
Like what a compliment you leave my show.

Speaker 1 Like you came to the show, you made plans to have someone watch your dumb kids, and then you're so mad that you're going to go back home. Probably hit your kids too.
You ever think about that?

Speaker 1 That lady doesn't know about gaza and you're like you just take

Speaker 1 children i don't know anything about gaza a lot of the stuff i make up for sure everyone makes up everything even like serious people make up stuff about gaza nobody knows we don't really know i don't know anything about ukraine either but like none of it i know very little about it and i'm talking about all of it as you should as you should

Speaker 1 I'm not qualified to really talk about it. Dude, I tried to read a book once and be like, I'm going to get to the bottom of like the whole Israel-Palestine situation.
I just got bored.

Speaker 1 I was like, i'm not doing this why should i did you even understand it like if i'm if i'm bored i like tune out so quickly it's like very hard to keep my attention and i'm just like out i the first chapter was like how israel got founded and i made it through a little bit of that and then i was like this is too many fucking dates i don't i'm done

Speaker 1 don't throw dates at me yeah it was it was like uh

Speaker 1 apparently they said that the what was they they said part of what made israel like you know a nation states part of like the thing driving america or whatever to help them out was that there were a group of Christians who believe that if when Jesus come back when Jesus came back he wanted the holy lands to be the way he was he left them so like they're like we need some Jews there or else Jesus is going to come back and be like what the fuck I mean that's neighborhoods going to shit

Speaker 1 I know where he's like could you deport me somewhere else

Speaker 1 don't you think if he was going to come back he would have come back already like it's just like it's not gonna happen I don't know he might he could be be waiting for the he might be checking zillow being like

Speaker 1 tents are going for nothing right now i thought my tent would be worth 10 million dollars by now i believe in it more if he went back to like flint flint mission he's like i'm gonna turn this place into like that would be so sick if jesus did jesus did come back and we're all like dude we're just

Speaker 1 yeah we're just kidding jesus you will thank you so much for coming back

Speaker 1 yeah i i think that is i don't i don't think he's uh you know again it's like i don't even want to say it because if he comes back he's going to be like you hell fine i don't care so it just It doesn't matter what you think privately.

Speaker 1 All you have to do is say, like, yeah, he's definitely coming back. But you also, if you're like a Christian, you could just be like, I'm sorry, right before you die and everything's forgiven.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can. You could do that.
But again, then it's like, then you go into the afterlife and you're going to spend eternity just being like, sweet. I did it.
I tricked him.

Speaker 1 He's like, go around drinking like free Starbucks. But then you could just go around to everyone and be like, I still don't believe.
True. I actually think it's fake.
Yeah, hell's a...

Speaker 1 Did you go to like Catholic school or like? I went to Catholic school my whole life. Did you say him here? Yeah.
Did you believe in hell hell when you were little

Speaker 1 I guess you know they drill it into your head pretty bad and then at some point you're like church is boring I don't believe any of this yeah

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 I don't know I don't believe any I think it's all fake yeah I think a lot of it is definitely fake I mean obviously say that to the picture behind you I was trying to get the most like just drawing artwork I could possibly find is that supposed to be Jesus I don't know I don't know if that's like the underworld boss that might be that might be Satan himself oh okay and then up here is heaven no is this that's earth oh and that's heaven it's course of angels yeah well this is let me tell you this is what how this whole um idea came to fruition this this whole like just stupid set um

Speaker 1 i just was like spinning out just trying to figure out like i just want to do like a different look while shane's gone this will be fun

Speaker 1 and i i like took i had off i used to do like mushroom microdosing a lot and then i stopped for a while and then like i just got back at it and then the first day i was back on like the little mushroom micro dose i just came up with this idea and then i like ended up carrying it out and now i'm kind of like like, this is a bad fucking.

Speaker 1 This is a terrible fucking thing. What do you think is bad about it? The pictures? I like the pictures.
The pictures are cool. I just think it's just too weird.
Like, I don't know if it translates.

Speaker 1 If people are like, this guy's a fucking I think people just like you. It doesn't matter what you do.
Like, fans, when they like you, will really just follow whatever you do.

Speaker 1 It is a crazy cult-like thing. Yeah, true.
Where you're like, hey, I'm actually going to go off the rails. You guys should not follow me.
I'm going to do something fucked up. Please don't follow me.

Speaker 1 I can't wait for the moment I get to betray their trust and just fall so bad. Like, just have like just messages.
You're still going to have a lot of people that are gonna follow you.

Speaker 1 Not if I smash the meth and young boys button. That's the you still will.
There will still be five to ten people who are like, let's hear them out.

Speaker 1 I don't, I got, I'm not gonna make any choice, I'm not gonna make any decisions until I hear what Matt has to say.

Speaker 1 That would be cool if I had five, just five fans, five diehards, they come, but like they'll come to everything you do, and eventually you'll hate them. True, yeah, I'd be living with them.

Speaker 1 Guys, let's get an apartment, dude. We're supposed to be real fans.

Speaker 1 Let's,

Speaker 1 Yeah, it does set up.

Speaker 1 I do have like,

Speaker 1 I have misgivings with the whole thing of like, you know, like the point of show business is to achieve fame. Sure.
You need some level of success.

Speaker 1 Exactly. But it's weird.
It's bad. And I think it's, well, I think it's bad for you.
I think it's not, you know, it's not inherently bad, but I think it can be bad for you.

Speaker 1 And it's like, I just wish more people looked at it like, just, it's just a business. It's like, dude, if you're making more than a regular job, you did it, dude.
Right. You're successful.

Speaker 1 And you should just be happy with that. Never

Speaker 1 the case. No, you always just want more.
Yeah. There's like nothing where you're like, oh, this is nice.
I think you're excited for something for like a couple of days. Yeah, max.

Speaker 1 And then you're like, I mean, I'll still say like, I'm going to quit comedy. Like, I've still 20 years in.
I can't wait. I know.

Speaker 1 I'll still be like, I'm going to quit.

Speaker 1 I tell people all the time. I threaten my wife with it.
I'll be like, I'm fucking. But you want a family.
Yeah, I'll threaten. I leverage it every time.
You could quit. What would you do?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I guess I could.
I did also somewhat social work. I didn't get my master's.
I was a crime victims advocate for a while. Whoa.
Yeah, but you get paid nothing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they don't pay very much at all. Yeah.
And then somebody I was like advocating for stole my wallet and then I became a victim of crime. What? And you're like, I don't even want to help people.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that'd be sick of that as a comedian origin story. Like, and then I came up with comedian.

Speaker 1 I think I did my first open mic when I was there, and then that guy stole my wallet, and I quit. You're like, fuck this.
It is kind of miserable work, man.

Speaker 1 There is some, I knew someone who worked with homeless people, and I was like, How does that work? And they're like, I just like meet them,

Speaker 1 meet them on like street corners, and just, I was like, How do you like? I was like genuinely curious, like, how do you set appointments with them? You just, you know, you meet them.

Speaker 1 But then, what do you do for them? I think you just kind of like try to hype them up. You're like, bro, you got this.
You're living on the street? You got this, dude. Yeah, I think you hype them up.

Speaker 1 Summer's coming. Just stick with it.
I think you hype them.

Speaker 1 I think you hype them up on like one day you can rent a room run by like an absolutely just disgusting slumlord. Right.
With no electricity.

Speaker 1 Dude, I would look, I used to find housing for inmates and like some of those rooms are like the rooming houses are like worse than probably a prison. Dude, terrible.
Like it was for real.

Speaker 1 I went into one specifically and I called the landlord. I'm like, dude, you're a piece of shit.
And he was like, they're fucking ruined everything anyway, bro. It was.
They're both right.

Speaker 1 You're both right. It is a piece of shit.
And they're also probably going to ruin everything. That is true.
That is true. But I was like, dude, just fucking paint the place, man.
This is terrible.

Speaker 1 What did it look like?

Speaker 1 First of all, I can't deal with bugs. If it has roaches and shit, I'm out.
I've seen places. This place did not have any bugs, to his credit.
I didn't see the bugs. There were broke.

Speaker 1 Well, there was a missing window. One of the windows, there was just a, it wasn't a window, it was a hole in the wall.
Oh.

Speaker 1 That was fucking dry.

Speaker 1 True. Fresh air.
Benjamin Franklin breathed in fresh air.

Speaker 1 Benjamin Franklin breathed in fresh air every day as we know. Yeah, he died from an abscess in the lungs.
Oh, bad. Wow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but loves you, kills you.

Speaker 1 But the, yeah, I walked into like this entranceway and it was a tile floor that had been chipped up but just never just never finished it was just the floor had been chipped up okay and there were extension cords just everywhere because i don't know what was going on with the electricity but the most like jarring and it was just like the one bathroom had like they like just jammed the toilet was just filled with like wood scraps but then there was another bathroom thank god but like the the most jarring thing i saw was like a

Speaker 1 old it was like an 80 something year old man just laying in a sleeping bag on the floor in his like room just just kind of just like sad, kind of like not whimpering, but just he wasn't resting.

Speaker 1 He was like moving around a lot. And I just like looked in his room and was like, Jesus fucking Christ.
And I was with a guy to like show him the place.

Speaker 1 And oh no, I was there to like see the guy was like, you need to see this shit. This is fucked up.
And I was like, this is certainly fucked up. I was like, how much money did you make a month?

Speaker 1 He's like, $400 a month from Social Security. I'm like, you're going to keep living here, dude.

Speaker 1 Or go back on the street. There's a lady that's going to hype you up.
Yeah, you're going to lay you back.

Speaker 1 This is so much better than that place.

Speaker 1 Dude, you're free now, man. Yeah, you could do whatever you want.
I mean, $400 a month is not a lot of money. Yeah, it's, it's, yeah, it's not at all.

Speaker 1 I think the, the rooms went up to like six, they started becoming like $600 a month. So that was like a big deal.
When those rooms were like $600, sorry, my shit's all fucked up.

Speaker 1 Definitely doing lapel mics. I'm such a fucking idiot.
My stupid ideas. I believe in it.
Thank you. You're the only one who does believe in it, man.
I don't mind it. It's not that bad now.

Speaker 1 Once you get dialed in. Yeah.
Yeah, dude. I appreciate it.

Speaker 1 I'd actually like to go on stage like this.

Speaker 1 I would fucking love it, man.

Speaker 1 A lot of like TikTok comedians rock the fucking

Speaker 1 Titus did it. He's not a TikTok comedian, but Titus had the fucking thing.
I would love to be TikTok famous and not even have to do stand-ups and just be in

Speaker 1 my house

Speaker 1 behind his green screen and just doing whatever dumb shit I do. Yeah, just do rants.
That's so much better. Just feel another thing.
Yeah, just be like another thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's then you could, those guys tour and they sell out. What do they do when they?

Speaker 1 Oh, my bad. I forgot to tell you.
I forgot to tell you. You got to clip this to yourself.

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry, dude.

Speaker 1 He's pulled your hair.

Speaker 1 I was like, oh, this is great. Until it's not.
I guess this has to be clipped somewhere.

Speaker 1 That's my bad.

Speaker 1 I will fully accept responsibility for that. Listen, it's my fault.
Please clip that. Don't forget to go.
I'm going to clip it. I'm going to get lobs.

Speaker 1 This is bullshit. It's not that bad.
I don't know what I did.

Speaker 1 It just, I should have told you to clip that thing on it. Just clip it on.
You can put it on this thing. Depends how much range of movement you want.
I don't know. I'll just leave it right here.

Speaker 1 Now I know about it. Now you know where it is.
That thing fucking rips, though. When it falls, it's falling on me.
It rips. It's heavy.
That thing's like six pounds.

Speaker 1 Everything's going to shit so quickly.

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Speaker 1 Well, dude, I was pumped. I will say when I reached out and I was like, by the way, we're going to stand at podiums.
People really were like, what the fuck? Like, people get pissed when I tell them.

Speaker 1 And you were like, so gracious.

Speaker 1 I've done podcasts in my car. That's when you said that.
I said, all right, we got a real one. We got a real one on the line, dude.
Thank God.

Speaker 1 That's awesome.

Speaker 1 What's they like, the standing up part? I think, I don't know. I think there's a standing up aspect.
There's the

Speaker 1 potential of looking somewhat foolish that I think some people don't like to do. I mean, I look foolish every night when I do stand-up.

Speaker 1 How much worse could it be? I think you have to move your. You have to move it back.
Yeah, sorry. Adjust your technology.
Sorry. I need a person.

Speaker 1 So you've been doing stand-up for 20 20 years. Isn't that fucked up? You have to do it for so long for it to like maybe, maybe fucking start to work out?

Speaker 1 I mean, it's only started to kind of work out because other comics have helped me. Like, it's really taken a village.
Yeah. Well, that's kind of, look, bro, if you're preaching to the fucking choir.

Speaker 1 No, I know, but I'm still nowhere. Like, I have like 36,000 followers, I think.
It's still really sad. You got that Netflix.
You got the Netflix special.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think I've got like 4,000 followers from it. There you go.
A Rogan, you got the Rogan bump. Yeah, but you know what's funny on the Rogan thing?

Speaker 1 I was looking at the comments and everyone was like, oh, it was just men for three weeks. What a great run.
Everyone was bummed that I was there. Yeah, that can happen.

Speaker 1 You're the third female comic, the third female guest we've ever had.

Speaker 1 First one was a. So all your fans are going to also hate me.
No, I think they'll love you. I think they'll love you.
It's time. It's time.
Look. It's fine.
I just don't want to know the comments.

Speaker 1 It's like, yeah, don't read the comments. But another fucking woman.
No, I think they'll be chill, dude.

Speaker 1 Who are your other comic? Who else have you had on that's a woman?

Speaker 1 were in Philadelphia during like 2016, the Philadelphia comedy scene got divided and everyone's fighting.

Speaker 1 Fighting about what? It's fucking like Trump, all that bullshit. And like, you know,

Speaker 1 whatever. All the stuff associated with like the social justice warrior movement.
And I remember at a time, I think this was my idea. I'm almost positive it was.

Speaker 1 And I was like, Shane, let's get this one comedian we know. She's like a super feminist.
We'll fucking argue and we'll own her with logic. And we like, I had just begun.
I love this already.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 that was our first female guest and i just kind of like clammed up and i was like i don't want to be mean this lady so we just had like a terrible podcast where we like half argued and it was just bad the whole thing was bad first female guest people were furious people find it's like an old old episode that like we like we like burned our back catalog because it was just too it was terrible it was like really problematic but the uh

Speaker 1 that's what i want to see the most now it's still floating around and people will find that old episode be like this fucking sucks oh yeah i don't i don't want to hear it i'll never come back but then i don't want people no no no.

Speaker 1 People are not going to be

Speaker 1 bullshit. I'd rather they're just not upset that you guys have.
That's bullshit.

Speaker 1 I think that's bullshit. I think that's bullshit.
Our second guest was a

Speaker 1 woman who made money by pretending she was a dog for like a sexual thing. Puppy girl Jenna.

Speaker 1 I am.

Speaker 1 I'm in good company.

Speaker 1 I gotta be honest.

Speaker 1 I gotta be honest.

Speaker 1 I'm in good company. I was so excited to tell you that.

Speaker 1 How did that do? uh it

Speaker 1 it was interesting she like walked into our house it was my brother's house we were recording at and as she stepped up she had like not a handler it was her boyfriend was there but he was still like that is her handler he technically was she had a leash and everything she didn't come in as a dog she walked in and like somehow her boobs just fell out of her shirt of course they just fell out of her shirt they came out of like the top she was a very obviously she was scantily clad yeah and uh it just they just spilled out upon entering we were like what the

Speaker 1 and then uh yeah we just asked her about. Did she stay on the floor the whole time? No, she sat up.
She was a good girl. She's a good girl.
No, she sat in the chair and talked normal. Okay.

Speaker 1 But she had her stuff with her and was explaining how she did like an OlyFans where they did like puppy play. And that was like, she made fucking millions of dollars, dude.

Speaker 1 Just like licking water out of a bowl. That's not that bad.
I could do that. Yeah.
What else do you have to do?

Speaker 1 Her boyfriend was kind of a little weird. I don't know.
He was obviously having like dog sex with her, I guess. But so you have to have dog sex with like a fucking weird guy with a shaved head.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I feel like she probably made enough money to leave him.
Now she chills. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Now she, like, she made enough where she just kind of like just, you know, it's like when you start a subscription-based thing, you can just, after walking. You could just stop.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 People are like, I'm not going to go my credit card and change this. Right.
And how many times can you just like walk around a room? Like whatever dogs do.

Speaker 1 Exactly. Yeah.
Just, yeah, do a little circle on your bed and go to, yeah, lay down.

Speaker 1 But I think she just kind of, from what I've heard, she just kind of chills now and like doesn't even, I don't know know if she got into like hardcore content.

Speaker 1 So that's, that's kind of, I didn't look. I didn't want to.
I wonder what the jump is from like being a dog to hardcore sex.

Speaker 1 I think it's pretty quick. I think it's like

Speaker 1 especially you start seeing like do you stop at some point acting like a dog and you're like, I'm back. I'm just me.
True, I'm just me. It's like the liver.
Are you familiar with the liver king? No.

Speaker 1 Liver King is a, he was an influencer who just ate organ meat and he was like very primal. Okay.
And he got yoked. He was huge.
And then it all came. He was lying about being on steroids.

Speaker 1 He was just on steroids. And he was eating liver, to be fair.
And he has a liver king, and there's a liver queen is his wife. Then he has the liver boys.

Speaker 1 They're suicide. So none of them eat like cupcakes or anything.
No, and they don't even like they don't have like technology in the house.

Speaker 1 It's like supposed to be like this weird kind of like trad life porn where you could watch this guy just like chopping firewood. Can you just be a fucking, can you just be a mailman?

Speaker 1 What are we doing here? Why are we living like this? Like it's crazy. Why are we doing this

Speaker 1 that's he wishes he was a mailman because the fame tore him apart he became the liver king and then he admitted to being on steroids eventually that was liver king 2.0 and now i think he's liver king 3.0 and he's just apparently just falling apart before everyone like he's like losing his mind on a youtube channel i know at some point we're like hey we're gonna stop filming this i don't know he'll never stop it's him he's filming himself so no one's gonna i know but he should stop filming like once your family's life is ruined or whatever the fuck is happening yeah when you're crying every day you're gonna be like i'm i think we're done here i think the show's over i'm fully depressed

Speaker 1 what are the liver boys gonna do i don't know go get a job i don't understand why do people why do people care if they're just eating liver i don't know why is that because he got so jacked but he was just doing steroids once that comes out it's like the show's a sham that's what happened but now but not the liver kid is a trinity i gotta watch this guy now you do it's pretty funny and it's like you gotta start early and that is kind of fun though There was something like in a voyeuristic sense to watch somebody slowly lose their mind.

Speaker 1 I did that with another channel. There's a channel called Psych Substance.
And the guy was like, he would just like do massive amounts of mushrooms or LSD and like film himself doing it.

Speaker 1 He would film the setup and then like talk about this is what happened. But then he set up this business model where like in order to get money, he had to like smoke DMT while on acid and like.

Speaker 1 Just not a great, you know, it's not sustainable, I'm sure. And he fucking started kind of losing his mind.
Like he like went nuts. He got addicted to kratom.
His wife left him. It was like.

Speaker 1 What is kratom exactly? I know it's like a dust. Just explain this.
Oh, sorry. No, no, no, no.
It's redundant. I don't know.
Not at all.

Speaker 1 No, I'm excited because it's like, bam, the topic is like a drink. Is it like Suboxone, where like you take it to get off something else?

Speaker 1 So, dude, it's like, it's a, it's just a plant, but then it has opioid properties. Okay.
So, yes, you can use it as like a transfer to like help ease withdrawal symptoms.

Speaker 1 And then some people take it as like in small doses, it's energy. It can give you like an energy boost, but it will create a physical addiction like an opiate will eventually.

Speaker 1 So you will become addicted to it. Yeah.
So my biological father

Speaker 1 was addicted to, I guess, is it meth? What do you take to get off heroin?

Speaker 1 Not meth. Well, you can, some people, I've heard of people taking meth.
But what is the thing that they give you? Methadone. Right.
But I don't think he ever did heroin.

Speaker 1 I think he was just addicted to methadone. That happens.
People, if you're, you know, if you, people who go to the methadone clinic keep their methadone.

Speaker 1 A lot of times, if it's a liquid, they'll put it in their mouth and spit it back out and and then sell the methadone liquid because you'll get high as fuck.

Speaker 1 If you and I were to party down on some methadone, we would get rocked. And then you spit it out and sell it? Yeah.
That's crazy. Your body doesn't like take any of it in.

Speaker 1 Well, you're a heroin addict. It doesn't matter if you've taken a little methadone in your system.
It's, you know, you're just going to get more done that day, I guess.

Speaker 1 Wait, you put it in your nose and then spit it out? Mouth. They used to give it.
Now they give some people little pills, too. I know people would have methadone pills and you get sent home.

Speaker 1 You can sell those, but for a while, it was a liquid. They'd watch you put it in your mouth.
You have to just like walk out and spit it back in a little vial. Now you can sell some methadone.

Speaker 1 Crafty people. They are very crafty.

Speaker 1 They also figured out

Speaker 1 not to. I'm sorry to hear you got addicted to methadone.
That is like seasonal. I mean, he wasn't in my life.
I wish he was actually on heroin and died. True.
True. Fair enough.

Speaker 1 Is he dead? He's not dead.

Speaker 1 It's very, it's a weird.

Speaker 1 He's got like five kids. He lives upstate somewhere in New York.
I met him and then

Speaker 1 he was like, you look just like your mom. And I was like, okay.
He's like, yeah, your mom's beautiful. I was like, This is weird.
Yeah, why are you trying to raise me up, dude? Yeah, it's weird.

Speaker 1 Um, but I remember, like, I'm sorry to cut you off. Can you move this back a little bit? You're okay.
It's just back this way away from you a little bit, like that. Perfect.
Okay. There you go.

Speaker 1 Um, I'm just not gonna move. I think I just know you're good.
It's, it's, this is my problem. It's not, you're not doing anything.
It was okay, and then I moved this thing.

Speaker 1 No, it was, I literally told you to move it closer. And I'm like, fuck it, then you got to move back, but go on.
It's not a big deal. So he anyway, I met him one time.
He was, it was nice.

Speaker 1 He was actually pretty emotionally open. I was like, oh, I wonder what my life would have been like if I was raised by him and not my dad.

Speaker 1 And then he left. And I guess I was like, I wanted to meet the kids or just like see him.
I didn't want him to be my dad because he didn't raise me.

Speaker 1 And then his wife wrote me like an eight-page letter to stay away from her family. Whoa.
Yeah, it was very creepy. She's probably talking about how beautiful you are.

Speaker 1 I don't know. It's just, it's just, well, he, so he married her.
She had two kids from a previous marriage.

Speaker 1 And that girl, who's like 50 now, is jealous of me my whole life because I'm biologically his daughter. Ah, yeah, yeah, you're 50.
Yeah. Let it go.
So his wife was like, leave my Joey alone.

Speaker 1 I was very like, Amy Joe, buttofuco. It was so weird.
She wrote me this letter. She's like, you know, you're an attractive woman.
Why don't you get a boyfriend?

Speaker 1 It's like, I don't want to fuck your husband.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what the fuck? But I bet I could.

Speaker 1 You think you could take him down? I think I could wear him down.

Speaker 1 I'll fucking show you. Don't make me, if I put my head and done anything, I could do it.
So don't make me do it.

Speaker 1 I'll ruin your whole fucking family. Then as your stepmom, she would ground you for fucking your dad.
I've never even met her. Really? I never met her.
So she just sent you a,

Speaker 1 like, a seven-page, seven or eight-page letter handwritten. So you only know her through, like, I only know her through that and pictures on, like, social media.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucked, man.

Speaker 1 And the second time I met him, he was like so nervous. He was like, like, he was cheating on his wife.
He's like, I hope she doesn't change lucks. Nobody knows I'm here.

Speaker 1 I'm like, dude, I don't need to like hang out with you. What a freaky family.
It's so weird. Yeah, that's crazy.
It's very crazy.

Speaker 1 I haven't talked to him since. No contact after that? No.

Speaker 1 So you respected the letter or you're just like, I don't want anything to do with it.

Speaker 1 I mean, I think I said something to him that was probably like not that nice, but I was like, I don't, I don't need to be in these people's lives. For sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Especially if it's like, that's the dynamic.
It's like, yeah, I'm good. You're 50 and you're jealous of me.
It's like, it's like leaving my show. You're giving me so much power your whole life.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What a crazy person.
Yeah, that is crazy.

Speaker 1 although you can't antagonize i will say you know with strange families one thing you can't antagonize the commentors they will come they will come for you if you antagonize them they will absolutely come i don't care oh i i fear them dude i'm so scared of them why i don't know dude i just like what do you think they're gonna do like ruin christmas they could cares you could be on my phone all day like shut up kids i'm reading my comments just turn them all off you have your own family you don't need them anymore that's true that is true you created your own family so you're you know know what you know what i'm so scared of it's like and i'm not you know i'm not genuinely afraid of it i'm kind of more

Speaker 1 let's how do i say i'm still like in shock of um

Speaker 1 that whole thing that happened with brendan shaub

Speaker 1 what what exactly dude it was a fucking they formed a reddit of like 97 000 people literally it was 97 000 people strong who dedicated hours of their life to just like and you don't have to read it of course but it's like knowing that's out there just every day but i feel like he bought that on himself you think your family's gonna do that no no my family dude if my family started a dis subreddit on me dude that would be it i'd be like fuck you guys dude i'd be sending seven page letters

Speaker 1 i thought you're scared of me

Speaker 1 i mean i am scared of my daughter's growing up and eventually hating me but that's a whole that's a different they'll hate you regardless and then they'll love you it's like that weird dynamic where like it's just chaotic for a bit and then you love your family i know i kind of was like that they're not gonna really hate you it's just gonna be like teenage angst i think yeah like get the fuck away dad also Also, like, just have them like you more than your wife.

Speaker 1 So then, like, she's the person out there. I got that on lock.
Yeah. I got that fucking unlock.
I can, I'm already ready. I'm so ready to turn them all against each other.
That's amazing.

Speaker 1 I'm going to leave first. First of all, brother and sister, all of us, like, we never three can get along.
It's always two against one. Is it really? Yeah.
Damn. So you're forging the flames.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's how I grew up. We're all just chaotic and arguing and not great.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is what it is. My sister doesn't even know I have a special out, and when she sees it, she's going to be mad.
You think so? Yeah, I'm talking about her. Oh, really?

Speaker 1 And personal stuff that she definitely would not want out there.

Speaker 1 I don't even know if I should say this, but like, whatever. Yeah.
She's not going to be thrilled. She won't be happy with it.
No. None of it's a lie.

Speaker 1 Everyone's like, when you say that, though, that's bad. Yeah, that is bad.
That's the way you should be lie. It's a lie, though.
I'm making it all up. It's not a lie.
Really? It's all real.

Speaker 1 Eh, I mean, look.

Speaker 1 Look, people move on, though. She'll heal, I'm sure, from it.
We're not really that close anyway.

Speaker 1 I'm okay with it so she's just you're you're gonna get a damn so you're gearing up for a fucking nasty message i'll just block her there you go like my biological father

Speaker 1 there you go

Speaker 1 i'll just block everyone yeah that's nice that's the best when you just block someone they have no idea that is nice yeah you can also mute which they don't block is a sat you're giving people satisfaction if you block them they go they don't know because they have regular my sister has not uh she doesn't have an iphone so she won't know oh oh you're talking about on the car i thought you meant social media oh social media you could restrict Restrict is great.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because then people don't know. They don't know if you block, they go, This pussy fucking blocks me.
I'm too much.

Speaker 1 I'll block guys that I just don't want to hear from because I'm like, I just want to be over this, you know? But like, yeah, those people, I'll just let you say whatever you want to the ether.

Speaker 1 I'll just restrict you. It's kind of dastardly, though, to like send somebody just still just chirping into just.
You have no idea. I know.
It's kind of cowardly. I should, yeah.

Speaker 1 No, no, let them do it. Anything.

Speaker 1 I do.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I really don't care. The commenting stuff, I don't care.
I have caught myself.

Speaker 1 It's been a bit of a process, but like I would have like my kids in the bath, which you should be paying attention to. Yeah.
And I'd be like, let me just check my email real quick.

Speaker 1 I got an eye on them. And then I'm like, I started going into comment stuff and I'd like catch myself, like my heart rate racing.
And like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'd literally see my kids would just be like looking at me from the tub like,

Speaker 1 what the fuck are you doing? Like, where are you? Dad's gotten a bad comment. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We better swim out here. Otherwise, we're drowning.
Someone told dad he ruins the podcast. I was like, fuck.
Yeah, I feel.

Speaker 1 I was, and that was like a wake-up call for me to be like, oh, this is real life. This is like

Speaker 1 a thing. Right.
It exists only on the internet. Yeah, that was a big, that was a big.
Yeah, but you have to get used to it.

Speaker 1 I remember like in the old days, even on like Facebook, I would get, like, write a whole thing out. And I'm like, do I want to waste the whole day doing this? And then, dude, that was the.

Speaker 1 And then I'll just erase it. I'm like, it's not worth it.
No, because then you think about it all day and then you check the comment to see like how many likes did it get it.

Speaker 1 Was this the one that took me to the top? And it never is. And you go, fuck.
Nope. Do you still use Facebook? I do sometimes.
It's mostly like friends on there i think yeah

Speaker 1 um so yeah it's not like for fans i guess for sure yeah mostly instagram not professional i someone was like telling me to use facebook professionally and i was like i haven't i have a facebook account obviously i haven't i deleted one a long time ago then i like revamped it it's just 2.0 that's 2.0 that's my 2.0 phase and uh they seem to use that for

Speaker 1 people like you'd be surprised some markets are better in facebook for shows and i was like i mean i know people do like facebook posts for to sell tickets they do ads and that works So I think that's something that is definitely.

Speaker 1 I don't know if it's good to use it for like managers and stuff. I thought he was saying for my personal account, like, yo, guys.

Speaker 1 No, I think it's if you have like a business account like for your fans, I think you can put ads on there. And that's, I think, helpful.
I didn't know people still used it, man. They do.

Speaker 1 My friend uses it. She says she gets a lot off of it.
I think it depends where your fans are. I don't know anything about that.
Because I used.

Speaker 1 I was off it for a while. When I came back, it felt like weird.
I was like, because I used to be on it every day, like living and dying by like, this is such a great status.

Speaker 1 And I'd write it and be like, this is going to, this is the one that people are going to be like, holy shit, this guy's on another level.

Speaker 1 And it's just like 12 likes, some one guy from high school being like, shut up, pussy. And you're like, fuck.

Speaker 1 But I, like, when I got off it for a while, I came back to see everyone still like doing that as part of their day. And it was kind of like unsettling.
I was like, damn, dude, you guys are still here.

Speaker 1 They're all. It's like leaving the hometown, like leaving an old town and going back.
Like, damn. And like the guy that you liked used to work at the movie theater, still works at the movie theater.

Speaker 1 It's kind of that same idea. That's how it felt when I came back.
I was like, damn. You need to move move from where you live because I've had that.
I live in the same area my whole life.

Speaker 1 And like, you'll see a guy you had a crush on when he was like 18 or 22. And now he's like falling off.
It's become sad. Yeah, it is sad.
It is.

Speaker 1 My wife always made fun of me because I would never leave the Philadelphia area. And like, we came here and she's like, I'm so proud of you for leaving.
How'd you guys meet?

Speaker 1 Because she's from Chicago, right? Tinder. Was she

Speaker 1 there? No, she was in Philly for school. Okay.
And we met on Tinder and I was recently divorced.

Speaker 1 Oh, I didn't know you were married before her. Oh, yeah.
I got married. I don't know why I said, oh, yeah.
It's kind of weird, but like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean,

Speaker 1 I was also in disbelief. So it makes sense where you'd be like, oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Me, you divorce.
I was definitely divorced.

Speaker 1 Actually, funny, I had someone reach out

Speaker 1 between, I did a show before this and a guy hit me up like, yo, I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce. But I was talking about it on a podcast.
I'm like, dude, that's from like.

Speaker 1 Oh, did he think it was from recently? Yeah, I was like, dude, that's from like 12 years ago. But yeah,

Speaker 1 thank you for your consideration. Thank you for your wife.
Did you have kids with that?

Speaker 1 No. That's good.
good it was yeah chill um it was very very chill divorce i um chill divorce seems like the best it wasn't that chill honestly it wasn't that chill i mean it wasn't chill oh yeah

Speaker 1 oh yeah it was not chill it was it was a big wake-up call for me man that was a big like you know moment i realized other people weren't like two-dimensional characters for my personal enjoyment in the world and right yeah so it was mostly your fault i would say like yeah about i would say 97 but the i mean at least you could say that man i think some people never take accountability It was a big.

Speaker 1 It was a big, I was a big, you know, I was like barely a sentient creature before

Speaker 1 like 30 something. So that was like a very painful process of being like, oh, this is all a real thing.
This is not.

Speaker 1 That's like an accomplishment to actually grow up and like take accountability and like work on yourself. I don't think people realize how hard that is.
It's the worst thing in the world.

Speaker 1 It's terrible. Sucks being like, I do it with my wife all the time where we'll be arguing about something and I'll say a thing and in my head I'm like, that's not really true.

Speaker 1 And I'll be like, but also you're like, that was a great line. That was a good line.
And

Speaker 1 I've just gained an upper hand in this. So let me just win this argument and then I'll work on like being truthful and honest.

Speaker 1 But I was like, it is, it is, it sucks when you have to be like, like, she recently told me something I did that bothered her. And I was so dug in, be like, fucking bullshit.
I was right.

Speaker 1 And she explained it in a way where I was like. At least you could hear that, though.
Yeah, it hurts, though. It's because I had to be like,

Speaker 1 it hurts to hurt someone that you care about. Yeah.
Or just realize you weren't right. That's kind of what I'm talking about.
Right.

Speaker 1 To realize you weren't right and be like, yeah, I didn't have the moral upper hand that I thought I did. And I actually was was being a gigantic piece of shit.
And they're like,

Speaker 1 Thought I was right about it, you lose, you know.

Speaker 1 True, I remember going to therapy and telling my therapist I had this great line I was going to say to like my ex-boyfriend at the time, and he was, and I was like, I'm waiting until it's like over, over to say this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what was the line?

Speaker 1 The line was, I shouldn't have to stay because everyone else left, which I think is a great fucking fucking that's a good line, especially saying that and then leaving, basically, right?

Speaker 1 And he was like, That's not like great that you have that planned. I was like, No, but it's like such a good fuck you, It pretty much is.
But I was like, I just held on to that.

Speaker 1 I was so proud of it. It is good.
It's almost like pretty cinematic, honestly. I know.
It's like, then the curtains close, the credits come off.

Speaker 1 But he was like, yeah, you shouldn't be aiming to do that. Aiming to hurt people.
Yeah. Cut them.
Yeah. Find their like childhood traumas and just cut them down with it.
God, yeah.

Speaker 1 Everyone I date is so awful. They're just like, it's, yeah, it's just like, you know, everyone who's emotionally closed off and alcoholic, PTSD, they're some type of like first responder.

Speaker 1 They're fucking veterans. It's just like,

Speaker 1 so when did you start

Speaker 1 putting together like your pattern of like, this is the person I'm attracting to attract, getting attracted to?

Speaker 1 I think I've just seen that what I'm doing and I'm like, oh, this is actually like a pattern. Yeah.
And then, you know, I'll date guys who are like going to kill themselves.

Speaker 1 They never kill themselves. I just stay in it longer.
So I think I'm just going to be single. Yeah.
Picking the worst people. Yeah, that's yeah.
The suicide threats can be tough.

Speaker 1 And it's like what they all do.

Speaker 1 Or what the guys I am attracting do. And then they knew.
Romantic types. The romantic types.
Very romantic. They're like, I'm going to fucking kill him.

Speaker 1 I'm like, well, let me see what you're doing. One time my ex-boyfriend had said that, and I went home, and like, he wasn't even really trying.

Speaker 1 He had like Roach Killer, that thing that's like a syringe, and it was just on the bed. It wasn't even like used to be.
I'm going to eat Roach Killer. He's going to harm his reproductive capacities.

Speaker 1 I know, but it was like such a thing where I was like, I had to cancel shows to come here.

Speaker 1 This isn't very serious. Yeah, yeah.
You didn't try even a little bit. Yeah, that's embarrassing, actually.
Yeah. And he's like, all right, well, fucking now I'm going to do it.

Speaker 1 But he still, yeah, he still didn't do it. That's such a wild move, man, to just be like...
I'm going to kill myself? Yeah, I mean, it's effective. It's a good tactic.
Effective. It's a good tactic.

Speaker 1 Since it's like, you got to live with this.

Speaker 1 All you had to do was spend one afternoon, and I'd still be here.

Speaker 1 But you do get to the point where you're like, fucking

Speaker 1 do it. You're like, okay, do it.
I can't deal with this anymore. Yeah.
Do it. There was that lady who almost went to jail for coaching the kid into killing himself.
That's different.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't do that. You wouldn't coach.
You would just be like, I wouldn't coach. would i would sit by the sidelines yeah and just wait no coaching just

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 they never kill themselves they never do if you're in a relationship like that just leave they're not going to kill themselves they're not going to do it and if they do they really wanted to do it and you should be happy for them true and then you can go like guy was actually a winner i thought he was just a pretender the whole time the guy was the real deal and i actually got him to do what he wanted to do so like i am partly like a hero I would say, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm doing the Lord's work. Yeah, suicide is one of those things.
It's like, I think it's still going up right now. Is it? I mean, I would assume that.

Speaker 1 I feel like everything in this country is like just harder. People can't pay for shit.
You know what I mean? It's just like

Speaker 1 suicide to me is always like the first thing I go to when I want to add to something. Yeah.
Like even a jab, I'd be like, I'm going to kill myself. So I don't have to kill myself.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm too curious. I sometimes do get overwhelmed by life where I'm like, it's just so much.
And I'm like, you know, it's, I get the thought. I think I'm going to kill myself.

Speaker 1 It's a fun little, like, it would just be nice to even not kill yourself, but to like if you could put yourself into a coma for a little bit just like a week like a six weeks no i'd say like six months six you want to six months let me let me just have some restart time yeah true true that's like it is nice you should be able to do that that would be nice to go into a medical coma and have like a doctor restrict your calories use like you know the uh you could lose weight save money on your rent like it could be great exactly yeah you're saying like your medical insurance basically covers your rent for a year you're saving up money you don't even need rent for yourself people are still you're not gonna even be there move your shit into a fucking storage unit patreon there's still some dumbasses that left their credit card on there you come out you got like 10 g's in the bank it's funny because i do i do that as a joke and people are just like horrified i'm like but you never just thought of going into a coma for a little bit like maybe not six months but like a month like the pandemic was nice for a little bit for sure a couple months you just you're not going it you're not like fighting traffic every day you know what i mean you're just not going to a job you hate especially if you could still dream that would be nice if you could like somehow have them like you know do i don't even want to to dream you want to go deep i want to i don't because who knows what i'm going to dream you're not going to enjoy it's true i just want to time out yeah i want no dreams i just keep me alive and nothing and like you know i guess you have to have people work your limbs so they don't yeah that's true yeah or like turn you over you'd have to put you on like a rotisserie machine just kind of like rotate i love that yeah it'd be kind of nice yeah i i don't uh

Speaker 1 But the problem is it would go by like that. It'd be like when you get surgery.
You would they would put you out and you just go hook and you'd come up right away. That's why you need the dreamscape.

Speaker 1 They do need the dreams, okay? Or they have them like wake you up. You're convincing me.
Wake you up. The dreams would be nice or wake you up out of it.

Speaker 1 Like every two days, like you just did two days. Wait, what happened?

Speaker 1 Just keep putting you back out. Just give you a quick rundown.
Like, dude, Trump just elected three guys. Okay, cool.
And they put you back out. They put you back out.

Speaker 1 And then depending on what they tell you, you decide how long you want to be out for.

Speaker 1 That's not a bad thing. Like your ex-boyfriend is remarried.
I'll go out for six months. I'll go out for six months.

Speaker 1 So what's the single phase going to be like?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I'm not sure.
I think I I might. I always say I'm going to just be single and I always end up dating some people.
Panic and you get lonely. Yeah.
Or it's just so easy.

Speaker 1 People like from your past just keep coming back because they're so shitty that no one wants them. So they're just a Rolodex of garbage constantly.

Speaker 1 They're just coming back nonstop.

Speaker 1 That was my pattern. Well, not that specifically, but I'd be in a relationship and like, and I do think like when you live with a woman specifically, like they do make you better.

Speaker 1 Like you're like, you're, you're kind of more organized. You're dressing better.

Speaker 1 So then I get to that point.

Speaker 1 I'm like, dude if i were single i'd get so much pussy right because i'm a better version of myself i'm a better version of myself and then i would get out of the relationship and then just devolve and be like oh and i always remember like oh yeah i'm like an anxious loser and then i would like just become and i'd be like i'm gonna work on myself and whatever and i would just like slowly panic because i was so lonely and just slam the button again and just what you gotta do is be in a relationship while you're getting better and then also cheat that's how you get the best of both worlds i'm not a i'm not not a fan of cheating You're absolutely right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like, I don't know, if you could cheat and get through it, it's like it kind of could make you better. Are you saying get away with it and then like recommit and double down?

Speaker 1 Like have them have them find out. See how you guys can work through it.
Like nobody really works through anything anymore. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 Like back in the day, there was like a genocide or a potato famine. Like that's hard and you guys got to work through it.
And it's like, can you and your wife work through her sleeping with a dude?

Speaker 1 No, I think the other way around is way more tolerable, honestly.

Speaker 1 I mean, you guys wouldn't, you would have never made it through the potato famine. I got to be honest.
With that attitude, your whole family is.

Speaker 1 Well, I wonder about that because I'm always kind of like... Would you prefer an emotional cheating or a physical cheating? Emotional.
Really, but that's so much more intricate.

Speaker 1 You spend so much more time talking to somebody and getting to know them. There's like feelings.
That's what girls do with all their friends.

Speaker 1 So it's like, yeah, I'm not going to be like, that's bullshit. But you're not jealous of her friends.
You're jealous of this guy that she just fucks.

Speaker 1 If she thought another guy was funny, I would be pissed about that.

Speaker 1 So even if she doesn't have sex with him, she just thinks he's hilarious. She's like sneakily watching Brendan Chubb videos.

Speaker 1 And he's talking, obviously, he's going to take her down.

Speaker 1 I would be, no, sex would bother me the most.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what I was. For sure.
Sex would bother me the most, but

Speaker 1 if she was like confiding in somebody and telling them like secrets. She's about you.
Something about me would be

Speaker 1 fucks me.

Speaker 1 And I also think Brendan Chubb's funnier than him. That would be so brutal.
That would be tough.

Speaker 1 But there is also part of me that wants to discover like a huge cache of just like dastardly text where it's like, ye fuck, I fake it every time. I can't wait.
And just read it.

Speaker 1 Just to make yourself feel.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and just be like, motherfucker, that would, there's part of me that would like to stumble upon that. There's something to hurting your own feelings.
Like, I'll go on Reddit.

Speaker 1 That's why you read the comments. Yeah, I mean, I go on Reddit.
I Googled myself on Reddit and I was like,

Speaker 1 that was not great.

Speaker 1 And it never stops. It doesn't.
It never stops. And it's always like, this person sucks.
I got five minutes into their special. And you're like, you didn't even get to any of the good stuff.

Speaker 1 Dude, first five minutes of just settling in. I was pretty, I was kind of like,

Speaker 1 I had like, I got to be kind of detached a little bit because like, you know, like Shane was doing more of the stand-up. He was really in the spotlight.

Speaker 1 And in my head, I was like, I'm just like kind of like a cool guy. I don't even care about this stuff.
And then I put out a special on YouTube. And like comments on podcasts, I was like, whatever.

Speaker 1 When it was my special, I would read the negative comments and I was like breathing heavy. I was like, oh,

Speaker 1 that really fucked me up.

Speaker 1 That's the thing too. It's like, I know I'm not going to be for everybody.
So it's like, that is part of it. For sure.
But I'm talking today. It was YouTube.

Speaker 1 One person was like, she was ugly with her other hair color and then she dyed it again. Now she's even uglier.

Speaker 1 That actually just made me laugh because I'm like, it's actually the same color. That's really funny.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're even uglier. That's fucked up.
It's also fucked up when someone like studies you for six months and then slams you.

Speaker 1 It's like, dude You've done way too this was too much recently right They've spent a lot of time though.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know that that is that is really fun It is every now and again You will get one that's so oddly specific you laugh you're just kind of like what the fuck that just makes you laugh some of it is just like I remember when somebody said something mean to Sarah Silverman and she replied something like I could tell you're just hurting and then like she talked to this guy and then like he was just hurting and like she got like therapy paid for him to get therapy.

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm not going to do that. I want you to be very unhealthy.
Yeah. But like she did that.
It's like most of these people are just hurt themselves. Yeah.
And then they had sex, maybe.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Maybe.
I have no idea what they're thinking. It was like maybe someone died in their family.
I don't know. That happens.

Speaker 1 I've tried to go that route, but I've done that passive-aggressively. We're like, yeah, you must be hurting.
And in my head, I'm like, fuck you. Fuck you, dude.
Go get the help you seek.

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No, I do feel that way too, genuinely. I think responding to comments is the worst.
I'm not responding to any. Don't do it.
But

Speaker 1 I do genuinely,

Speaker 1 and this is like the dilemma.

Speaker 1 This is, I would say, the Shabby and dilemma where it's like, if someone's attacking you online, he doubled down, was like, pointed the finger back, and he's like, you're actually the loser.

Speaker 1 And it's like, that's the worst fucking thing. And it's like, it takes two to Tanga.
So it's like. Somebody says that you have to be like, I am a loser.
I am a loser. I'm a fucking pathetic worm.

Speaker 1 I'm thankful you acknowledge that.

Speaker 1 And you get to continue selling liquid death and you know making money and that's not to sell liquid death that's the job you have to be like yes i'm a pathetic worm more politicians should do that just but you're right i'm a disgusting pathetic worm i'm a pervert and i just want to just continue representing you somebody told me um that somebody brought up to trump like somebody said this bad thing about you and he was like well good luck to them and i'm like what a great response and also you're like good luck to them yeah true good luck it's like sure what else can you do yeah true good luck like there's no way to really hurt you when you act like you're not hurt.

Speaker 1 You're like, yeah, good luck to them. Yeah, that's true.
But then it's like, do you want, well, yeah, that's absolutely true. But then the fear is like, am I going to become detached from reality?

Speaker 1 Then one day just my decline will be, you know, precipitous. I think you'll probably just shoot up a mall.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I don't think you're going to. I think one day you just push everything down.
You're like, I'm going to fucking killing spray. Yeah, just kill my whole family.
You have. a whole family though.

Speaker 1 So that's, I think that will keep you in check a bit. I think so.
I don't. I could really be rogue.
Yeah, true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can really just kind of go nuts, which is fun. You're going to travel.
It is.

Speaker 1 I actually like being alone a lot. Like, I love having having a family for real.
I love.

Speaker 1 But it's great. You have the best of both worlds.
You're with your family, and then you get to escape. True.
I get to go and do stand-up. And then your wife's with these kids the whole time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know. And I feel guilty.
But do you?

Speaker 1 Less and less. But I

Speaker 1 quick announcement for Irvine, California, or really all of SoCal. You guys know I'm SoCal as hell.
I've been SoCal.

Speaker 1 But yeah, I'll be at the Irvine Improv 1129. That's this upcoming weekend.

Speaker 1 Well, I guess next weekend, whatever. 1129 and 1130th.
And I've also added a show on

Speaker 1 1131 or 12.1. I'm not sure how many days are in November, but you get the point.
Next Friday, next Saturday, next Sunday, I'll be in Irvine, California.

Speaker 1 And let me just say for the record: fuck LA, dude. It's all about Irvine.
I'm sick of people from LA being like, Oh, you're going to Irvine? I'd never go down. Fuck you, dude.
Shut up.

Speaker 1 Irvine's where all the reals are, not a bunch of pretenders out in LA. I'm gonna be a famous actor.
No, you're fucking not. Grow up and move to Irvine.
I'll see you there. God bless you all.

Speaker 3 Pardon the interruption. This may or may not be Sean Gardini speaking, and this may or may not be Sean Gardini on camera.
Who is speaking and who is on camera is not important.

Speaker 3 I've come to tell you that Sean Gardini is doing stand-up comedy shows.

Speaker 3 The upcoming shows are in Cleveland, Ohio, December 8th, Buffalo, New York, December 10th, and Baltimore, Maryland, December 11th. Please come to those shows if you can.

Speaker 3 The tickets are at SeanGardini.com.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Well, it's fucked up.
As I try to explain this to her, I'm like, because she recently went away, and I was like, dude, this is like fucking, my God, man. It's hard.
Very hard.

Speaker 1 But I was, my part, my thing with her, I was like, yeah, but you're, I was just saying this to bother her, but I was like, but you're like naturally more disposed to being able to do.

Speaker 1 And she was just, what the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 1 I'm like, this is like, what you're built for she didn't like that being a woman or her specifically yeah i said that to her just about i knew i was just fucking with her but i mean i could see where she gets her resentment

Speaker 1 why she can't why she's fucking this guy that fucks her better and she laughs at shops jokes i mean i get i'm on her side i gotta be honest you gotta but you have to pep her up you gotta like constantly i don't know i i do like fucking with her a lot i'm just kidding i don't i don't genuinely coming down on her but it is funny yeah but it is fun to like do that and like be like no i'm dead serious and just kind of like get her going to Tizzy.

Speaker 1 Be like, I'm just fucking with you. I got to talk to her and tell her.
Especially if I think it's a little bit true. Especially if I think it's a little bit true, though.
If I'm like,

Speaker 1 you know what I mean? Does she work like a full-time job?

Speaker 1 Oh, then yeah. Yeah.
That's your job. That's your job.
Taking care of these kids. I always tell her, my mom had six kids, man.
I would rather have a day job than have to take care of my kids.

Speaker 1 I'd rather work.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'd rather do that. No way, dude.
You can do like viral Instagram mama videos. Like, hey, mamas.
That's what women started doing out of nowhere, calling each other mamas on the internet.

Speaker 1 Hey, mamas. Hey, mama.
I guess, but then you still, you do that video and then after your stuff to take care of these kids. True.
That kind of sucks. Yeah.
I would have like a babysitter all the time.

Speaker 1 We have that. Yeah.
Then it's not that bad. Yeah, if you can get a permanent babysitter.
You can get a no-pair for like fucking... $10.
Yeah, dude. Pretty cheap.
Cheap. Fucking snaker papers.

Speaker 1 I'm just like, bro. I remember snaker papers? Does that mean like

Speaker 1 pull the green card and you're not going fucking anywhere? Damn. That's how they, yeah, well.
But, you know, most people do that and sex traffic people.

Speaker 1 You'd be like, no, I just want you to take care of my kids, and I'll give them back when you're done.

Speaker 1 And then you just have, you just like, fuck them,

Speaker 1 and then they're also taking care of the kids. They're like, this is crazy.
I'm doing two jobs and I'm getting paid for one.

Speaker 1 Your wife is out shopping. Yeah, she's just shopping.
That is kind of like a.

Speaker 1 It would be nice, though, to get so rich that you could just become completely, like, the whole family could become completely apathetic toward each other.

Speaker 1 You can just simultaneously get a lot of money. Yeah, I mean, I would have loved

Speaker 1 my family would have like tried to buy my love. Yeah.
Like throwing money at a situation sounds like the nicest thing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I would love that. People do get resentful about that.
Like, you just only bought me presents. It's like, dude, some people don't buy you shit.

Speaker 1 And some people don't buy you shit and they're not even there anyway. Yeah.
So now you're getting nothing. Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I'd prefer just buying love.

Speaker 1 Or maybe you do need, or maybe you do need love. I try to like, I am like, I almost over-index.
I like bother my little kids. They're two and four.
And I'm like, I love you you guys.

Speaker 1 And they're just like, dude, shut up. You don't even know what you're talking about.
Do they speak yet? Yeah,

Speaker 1 editorial talks, too. Yeah.
Oh, wow. I didn't realize that they talked that young.
Yeah, they know that you have kids. Three kids with the same lady.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 How old are they? 12 to 80.

Speaker 1 Wow, it's a big gap to start over. Yeah, that does.
But no, they felt like a mistake.

Speaker 1 They all were. Okay.
Three. Three mistakes.
Each time you were like, fuck.

Speaker 1 I never wrap up. Yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm due for a mistake. Although, my,

Speaker 1 I've been pretty good about not like, no, you know, I would figure, I was like, I've always banked on having one child by mistake, but both the two were like intentional. Planned, yeah.

Speaker 1 So you still have another mistake baby come in.

Speaker 1 That's kind of what I'm kind of. I want that for you.

Speaker 1 I think you're excited for it. I am.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I want your wife to get the boy.

Speaker 1 She wants the boy. She wants the boy to get the best.
And then she could love the boy. You could love the girls.
And that's how you start your fucking army. That's how we start the fight, the battle.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but the girls, they'd be older than the boy, and I would just train to just use like relational aggression and just yeah, but he's going to be stronger than them at some point. Eventually, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But we'll put them in dresses and shit.

Speaker 1 We'll queer them. We'll queer them up a little bit.
And then your wife's going to make the girls just dress like boys. You're really going to fuck these kids up just for your own personal gain.

Speaker 1 I kind of love it.

Speaker 1 I should.

Speaker 1 It is a frill. Like, it's a.
Sorry, my nose is.

Speaker 1 It's a serious concern, man.

Speaker 1 Your kids being trans? Not that. I mean, they would only probably be trans for a little bit.
It's kind of like a phase for most people, I think. I think so.

Speaker 1 I do worry. I don't worry that much about that, but

Speaker 1 that would kind of blow.

Speaker 1 If one of my daughters had a full-on, like

Speaker 1 basically a better mustache than me, I'd be kind of like...

Speaker 1 I wouldn't like to. I just...
It's one of those things where I'm not like, you know, ideological.

Speaker 1 I'd like to say maybe don't do the drugs and stuff until they're like, sure, sure sure yes well that's but then it's like try it on for a bit well just dress like a boy and stuff and for all girls dress like boys now though it's kind of normal i dress like a boy for most of my childhood but like you i just think it's like okay then like let's see what else you want to do yeah don't take the drugs don't take the testosterone don't take the testosterone until you're sure you want like a dick yeah so have you seen the dicks by the way i've looked them up it's not like great

Speaker 1 just wear a strap on it's like for your own i've heard stories where people are like, so you still get that urge to come, but you can't now.

Speaker 1 I think that was a girl going to a boy or a boy going to a girl. I'm not sure which one it was, but they're like, you still get that urge and now you can't even come.
Fuck.

Speaker 1 I didn't even think about that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 if you're a girl who became a guy, all the test is like telling your body, like, we got to come now, but there's not the means. I guess so.
I don't know. Yeah, I think it's like a little pump.

Speaker 1 You have like one of your balls as a pump that you kind of pump it up.

Speaker 1 Maybe that's who my wife's cheating on me with. The pump guy?

Speaker 1 The pump trans?

Speaker 1 Do you think your wife's cheating on you? No, I don't. I don't think.
I mean, there's a thing, you'll never know.

Speaker 1 As a guy, women are guys, I think, get caught way easier, and women could just, they could get away with it forever. There's no way.
Especially you're on the road a lot, you know.

Speaker 1 You could both be cheating. It takes a lot of trust from both of you.
True. I will say, I can say it with a straight face.
It's like, I don't cheat. I don't think you do.
And I do love that about you.

Speaker 1 I think you do love your wife.

Speaker 1 I do love that and i would hate to like have to ruin that for you guys yeah no better be good i am i will be i it's i think i don't know if you start cheating on your wife i'd be like it'd be awesome tell me all about this girl

Speaker 1 like i'm on your side actually so i'll switch sides very easily i have very little allegiance so well it's it is one of those things where it's like

Speaker 1 It's understandable. Like, I always, I always judged, I would like hear about that.
I'm like, what a fucking moron. Like, why do you have family? Why would you, and then as you get older, you're like,

Speaker 1 sexually, it can happen, man.

Speaker 1 Especially like if you're on the road, you're traveling. The problem with you is you're pretty well known, and it's so easy to probably get in touch with your wife and telephone.

Speaker 1 So, it's like it is harder for you, I think. I think so, with the social media and all that stuff.
And it's just one of those things where you just know. Is it worth it?

Speaker 1 It's like it might blow up my whole family. Is this worth it?

Speaker 1 And it's just, it's like you know, that moment as soon as it's over, as soon as it's over, you just regret just a fucking, just an ocean of dread for the rest of my life. And that kind of keeps me.

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 and it's just not just you know you get to a point where it's like

Speaker 1 i have nothing to offer like a woman it's like i'm married i have kids i would only be a debt i'd be taking from that person and then just like blowing up my own life yeah that's what i tell myself yeah that's that's what i tell myself i just go that's and i'm not really the kind of like romance cover like one night stand it's it's just

Speaker 1 it's not going to be beautiful no exactly it's not going to be beautiful and that's not really what i offer you're not going to like lay her down and put roses. Not going to blow her mind.

Speaker 1 You're not going to blow her mind either. That's what I'm saying.
It would just be, so I'm very like... We'd both regret it.

Speaker 1 It would be somebody trying to horn in on my life and resources and me foolishly.

Speaker 1 You should give them money, though. I would.
I'd have to. Yeah.
I'd have to gag them.

Speaker 1 It'd be like money, gag order. Whatever you need.

Speaker 1 I'm just paying for your apartment.

Speaker 1 I'm paying for your apartment so you don't tell my wife.

Speaker 1 I'm just being extorted. But yeah, it is.
I will say with the social media stuff, it's like, dude, you used to be able to start a family. You could leave your family and just go 30 miles.

Speaker 1 You could have another family and not even leave them. That's what I'm saying.
And it was, now it's like with social media, fucking 23 and me. You get a DNA test.

Speaker 1 It's like, bam, that it all will come out in the wash eventually. That's the one thing I've told my wife that I say, if you do end up cheating on me.
And you're going to find out. I'll find out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll find out.

Speaker 1 She'd be pregnant, so I would be able to see that. But if I were to do it.
You think she wouldn't automatically get pregnant?

Speaker 1 If she cheated on you? I don't know. I mean, I'm saying there would be somehow there'd be proof.
Like, if I say that.

Speaker 1 Give her some credit that she's not going to get fucking knocked up cheating on her.

Speaker 1 What a crazy thing.

Speaker 1 Like, she can't do it. She has to get like a load blown in her.

Speaker 1 Give her a little credit. True.
That's true. That's true.
But I did explain that to my wife. I was like,

Speaker 1 it's obviously not worse for a woman to cheat or anything like that, but there is a biological component to it where it's like a guy can't get, like, a woman can never be a cuckold a guy could be a cuckold like the the end of female cheating could result in you like spending 20 years raising a kid that's not yours that's the cuckold that's what a cuckold is a cuckold is just anyone whose wife has sex right but i think the woman version is called a cuck queen Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Which is funny terminology, but it's not as like. You know, just make her not come also.
That will make me come. You disappointing another person.

Speaker 1 I'm getting off on this. This is so hot that you can't please either of us.
They're just both mad at me eventually.

Speaker 1 But yeah, it's like I've told her, I'm like, it is, there's something that is like extra sinister about like a woman can cheat, get pregnant, and then just be like, yo, this is yours, which is like, that's a different level or a different layer of like monstrosity.

Speaker 1 But if she, if she cheated on you with a black eye, it would probably come out a little darker. Yeah, but here's the thing.
What? This is true.

Speaker 1 But it's like, once you're like an interracial kind of mix, the shades do differ.

Speaker 1 So if it was like, if the kid was like black as hell, hell i i could you know maybe ask some questions but like they you'll they'll like the hues can be wildly different like if you go to like south america okay where it's like everyone's been kind of like mixed up a lot

Speaker 1 you can have very lights and then very and yeah exactly whatever comes out a little asian then i would know then i would say

Speaker 1 but the hues are in between the hues are there

Speaker 1 you don't know what's happening that is my favorite thing though i've met a couple people where i'll be like they're like oh you have kids and i'll show them a picture and they'll be like oh uh is uh

Speaker 1 is your wife?

Speaker 1 I always, I'm like, my wife's from Sweden. And they'll be like, and I'll watch and be like, what the fuck? And I'm like, no, I'm just getting my wife's black.
But it's a fun trick I like to do.

Speaker 1 But yeah, she likes says our kids look like they're Puerto Rican.

Speaker 1 She likes to say that out loud. She says, my Puerto Rican babies.
And it's funny because we're in like a pretty liberal, like well-to-do white area. And it's like people get kind of like, don't.

Speaker 1 You're not allowed to say my Puerto Rican baby like that.

Speaker 1 She's allowed. She can do whatever she wants, but it's like, it is funny watching people get kind of uptight.
Like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 That she has Puerto Rican kids? Well, they're just white and black, so they look like the Puerto Ricans. Right.
What are they on?

Speaker 1 People are kind of uncomfortable with

Speaker 1 irreverent references to race. Yeah.
That's like, and I've noticed that. It's more like a kind of like a white liberal thing where it's kind of like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 I always find like whenever white people get uncomfortable about race, it means their families had lots of slaves. Definitely.
Dude, it's like, uh.

Speaker 1 yeah, dude, for sure. If you're, yeah, if you're white and rich, that's what I was saying with like reparations.

Speaker 1 It's like, let's just find out whoever had slaves and just make them pay a bunch of money. And then

Speaker 1 I'm not against that. Me either.
I think that'd be fair. It'd be like, dude, you guys had them fork the money and just fucking.
I wish my family had lots of slaves. True.
So I could have been rich.

Speaker 1 You've been killing it. We were very poor, unfortunately.

Speaker 1 We didn't even have one. You didn't have a single one.
I don't think we had them. I don't want to find out.
That would be, that would make my situation very awkward if I found out.

Speaker 1 But now you're providing for these kids and having a better life for them. It's actually like the best come-up.
True, this is true. But spin it how you want, Matt.
This is this is true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like I've come a long way, but yeah, I don't, I don't think we've had slaves, but the um, yeah, that's got to be crazy though to find that out.

Speaker 1 Some people like do learn that and they're like, fuck,

Speaker 1 just sucks, you know. I mean, I don't know.
It's like you didn't do it, but it's also just kind of like everyone was doing it. True.
It's like Molly. Yeah, true.
Slaves are like Molly.

Speaker 1 I don't know. It was just trying to fit in.
I didn't want any. Yeah, it was just the summer of 1869.
It was just everyone. My friend got me one for my birthday.

Speaker 1 They say a slave was as expensive as a car, basically. So that was like, everyone's like, yeah, it's like, not everybody.
It was like... Not everyone could afford it.
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 That was basically when you adjusted the price, it was like a brand new car. That's expensive.
I didn't know, like, that's pricey. Very pricey, but like, what kind of new car? Like a Civic?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would imagine. I don't know.
Maybe there's, there's different, you know, maybe there's different ones, but like, I think it was kind of like,

Speaker 1 you know, it was the equivalent to like $25,000. I think.
I could be wrong about that. That's what I heard.

Speaker 1 You know, some people probably couldn't really afford it, but they got one and made them do the work like six. True.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
It's been crazy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, I worked with a guy one time when I was in.

Speaker 1 How old was I? I was in high school and it was a pool company. So we were just like digging pools and like, you know, painting pools, all this stuff, and maintaining the pool.

Speaker 1 digging pools seems like brutal work it fucking sucked so bad but i remember it was literally it was the worst job i've ever had by far the guy would stand on the edge of a pool that you were like they used a machine for a lot of it then you had a hand shovel like the edges to like kind of cut it in and he would stand on the edge of this like fucking hole and just be like why is your shovel stop and you would just like a fucking like prison line he would just be like and you had to do it the whole time you had to move if you stopped for a second he'd be like why is that shovel not moving like i think you're looking for ukrainians dude well eventually his brother Brillies.

Speaker 1 They're going to do the most work. I'm actually not.
So, this is what you get with the dude.

Speaker 1 His brother showed up one day, and his brother came to the pool yard, and he had like a Mexican dude with him.

Speaker 1 And he was like, He like showed this Mexican guy off, like he was like a fucking Tesla robot. Oh, I bet.
Because he was like, Yo, dude, you got to get yourself one of these.

Speaker 1 And he was just like, These motherfuckers are crazy. And he was just like, That's what you're looking for.
Not this. This is not an updated model.
I'm about to go to college next year.

Speaker 1 But yeah, he like showed, he like introduced this guy to Mexicans. Like, it was like a new technology.
It was crazy. But did he hire a bunch of Mexicans? No, it was me.

Speaker 1 He's like, I want these outdated models. He's like, I want these shitty white guys.
Yeah, it was me and the one guy who had seniority. It turned out to be a bit of a freak.
He was like,

Speaker 1 he, I went with him on his like,

Speaker 1 whatever it was, like a maintenance route. And he was like, we'd go in his car and we get to like smoke weed all day.
And he was like, yeah, it's like, otherwise you'd be digging holes.

Speaker 1 So I got to do the maintenance thing. But then like we like would smoke weed and play Tiger Woods golf at his house all day.

Speaker 1 We would like finish our jobs quickly and then do he like made this guy a lot of money so he could do whatever he wanted.

Speaker 1 And then he like when we were playing Tiger Woods golf and just smoking weed, I was like in high school and he like came to the he did something where like he was just washing his clothes.

Speaker 1 It sounds like it's getting sexual.

Speaker 1 Well here's the thing. It never got fully sexual, but I remember like him just like walking to the laundry machine in his boxers and me like, it's fucking weird.
Right. That's how it starts out.

Speaker 1 Exactly. But there was another guy I worked with who was there who the the uh he was like we had a similar status.
It was me and him were bottom of the totem pole.

Speaker 1 Then he had this like guy who was like a journeyman who could you know actually know what the pool machines did that guy the boss hated him so much he would dump he flip the dumpster over every day and make him pick up the trash because he wanted him to quit so he didn't have to pay him unemployment

Speaker 1 but that guy as i was we like he he's like his we've like married in together like his family married into my family and like so i like i was talking to his brother and i'm like dude like i worked with your brother and he was like yo that guy was like one day pulled his pants down is like shaking his ass to his brother and i'm like dude he was kind kind of gave some weird freaky shit to me, but it wasn't that bad.

Speaker 1 Unless I just blocked it, unless we like made out and I blocked it out of my head. No, I did.
Unless we like, you're playing golf and then you're baby now.

Speaker 1 You know, like, hey, can you do my laundry also?

Speaker 1 It's like, I'll wash all your clothes, just take them all off. Yeah, I'm like, yeah, he only ever like walked in his boxers in my head.
I'm like, I think I fucked that guy one time.

Speaker 1 No, it was, it was pretty tame, but I was like, yeah, it was a, it was too good to be true. It was like just fucking plying me with weed and PlayStation.

Speaker 1 Oh, you were like so close to getting your butt fingered. No, dude.
I was so close. You got out of there? What happened? I just quit.
I was like, yeah,

Speaker 1 it was like a summer job, and I was like trying to work all summer. Then eventually I went to the beach for like a week with my aunt and uncle.
And I was like, I quit like. They pulled you out of it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just like grabbed money I could from that place and just fucking took off. But it was.
I was so close. I was so close to getting it.
I was on the chopping block to get fingered.

Speaker 1 And I think he was planning on fingering me right before I went to the beach, maybe.

Speaker 1 I don't know. He's like, well, if you don't say anything about me and my boxers, then I know you're kind of cool with it.

Speaker 1 I think think so but yeah it was uh have you ever had any like really up jobs like that

Speaker 1 where there's like a sexual component i remember i did stupid things like me and my friend would go on a boat with guys we didn't know and i'm like oh we could have definitely gotten

Speaker 1 we were young we're like 17 or 18.

Speaker 1 so it's like you think facts that you're like that was pretty dumb just getting in cars with guys you don't know and going to the movies yeah that's kind of terrifying yeah Yeah, there was, we used to hang out this like, like, it was like a movie theater.

Speaker 1 Everyone would tell their parents we're going to the movie theaters. It's called Painters Crossing.

Speaker 1 It was just like like a shopping center that had a movie theater and you would like just hang you would tell your parents to go to the movies and instead you would like stand in a parking lot and be like fucking dumbasses

Speaker 1 we're out on the corner freezing yeah it was freezing outside but the uh the eating ice cream friendlies but they I remember that there was always like older like older older dudes that could like come up in like a cool civic and just like absolutely pray on the eighth grade girls and you're like please don't go with them oh god yeah yeah they would like pull like old high school guys would pull up and you're like dude you guys please get the fuck out of here me and my friends went to the movies to go cb4 do you remember that like chris rock movie yeah okay it's pretty bad but anyway this guy has like wait hold on cb4 i'm thinking of am i i don't know what i'm thinking of no cb4 is like i think chris rock's maybe first movie it's pretty bad what year was this probably 94 95.

Speaker 1 i didn't see that i i have a thing when people ask me about a movie i lie and say i saw it and then i catch myself i actually like that i like that you do that sorry i do that every time someone says that you see this movie i go yes yeah and then when they start asking you like well maybe i'm misremembering yeah i just yeah I just, I don't know what it is.

Speaker 1 And I'll be like, yeah. And then they'll be like, remember this part? And I'll be like, I used to be like, yeah.
And then I don't laugh. And then they'll be like, I feel dumb for people.

Speaker 1 You were talking at one point and I spaced out. Like, you know what I mean? It's just kind of what it is.

Speaker 1 And it's not because I wasn't interested. You said something and my brain just started going on the trail.
I appreciate the honesty, dude. Yeah, it's like everyone lines.
So what was up?

Speaker 1 What was up with C before? Anyway, so me and my friends meet these guys on the street. He has like a civic wagon.
He's like, you know, Hispanic, Puerto Rican, Raul.

Speaker 1 And he has like Christmas lights in it. We all go to the movies in this guy's car, and it's like, thinking back, you're like, these guys are like decent guys.

Speaker 1 They didn't like attack us or rape us or anything. And then you're like, that was pretty dumb.
Yeah, man. It's, I'm terrified.
And you have daughters, too. I, dude, I am absolutely fucking terrified.

Speaker 1 They're going to be exotic because they're Puerto Rican. I know.
And they're, they're, they're beautiful girls, man. They're beautiful girls.
My wife reminds me. Yep.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I, I spent a lot of my day fantasizing about just like beating a young man to death as like a

Speaker 1 as an old man, just being like,

Speaker 1 i've like i've i've already like thought about like setting aside resources to like just like what i would do to a person if they did anything like hitting her or did anything terrible it's like i i my one thing is i'd like to hire a bunch of like homeless people or crackheads to just like throw a brick at somebody okay yeah for the rest of his life for the rest of his life i'm like dude you'll get pelted with a rock for the rest of your life at any given time right and it's private investigators i was thinking about i was like awake last night thinking about this there's a whole way a whole system where you could do it and get away with it exactly oh i would definitely get away with it if i just just paid like homeless guys to throw rocks at somebody, like, just like

Speaker 1 unless you started paying them too much and then they started their own life. True.
You got to pay them just enough to keep them on the streets. Oh, for sure.

Speaker 1 I would like giving them like heroin and shit. Smart.
Keep them like, yeah, I'd keep them. Highly addicted, highly poor

Speaker 1 on the streets constantly. The private eye would be nice, though.
The private eye, I really want to start. I'm like, I could like.
You could. I could follow one person.

Speaker 1 I could put out the money to like follow, just get the full detail. Like one of my brothers.
It's like, what are they really up to? You could just even pay one of them to do it. True.

Speaker 1 Private eye for sure. Because they're going to be like on the

Speaker 1 road doing shows. I'd have to, for my alibi, I'd have to, I'd probably try to leave the country.
But I would like to private eye. I don't think you should leave the country.

Speaker 1 Now your kids are really abandoned. No, that's true.
Yeah, that's true. They're going to be strippers now.

Speaker 1 No, I'm saying for like a week while whatever crime I order, I want to leave the country while it happens.

Speaker 1 That's very obvious. Just go to Minneapolis.
You're fine. A good point.
Yeah. That's true, do you? I'll do hilarities in Cleveland.
Go to hilarities in Cleveland. Some guys getting pelted with stones.

Speaker 1 But yeah, I like thought about that last night. Would it be an overreach if I had a private investigator follow? No.
Yeah, right? That wouldn't be crazy.

Speaker 1 Not like out of a almost as a precautionary. Whereas she started dating someone.
Sure, look into their family. Yeah, look at the whole family.

Speaker 1 You're not going to want to know what she's doing, though, because there's a certain sexual component. You're not going to be aware of that.
I don't want that. I'm saying the guy.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to spy on them. That would be a.
Oh, yeah. Just spy on the guy.
Yeah. His whole family.
Did you see the Black Mirror episode where the mom has the thing where she can watch the daughter?

Speaker 1 yes there's there's a thing on black mirror where they had a uh the mom can like see her daughter at all times and it just like watched her daughter have sex that's not something you want it was rough yeah that's that's not good yeah i don't want that but i just want to like just keep tabs on because it's like you know dudes can be just fucking just dastardly piece of shit yeah like a very there's like guys out there i'd like to believe maybe one will be gay that'd be ideal women are also crazy though yeah a little physical abuse i would take over emotional abuse yeah true Yeah, women can really fuck you up mentally.

Speaker 1 For sure. That's their weapon.
I specialize in it. Can you really, you can fuck with somebody? What's your, what's your go-to move?

Speaker 1 Break up with you, block you, come back. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 And then what? The breakup, they come back. It's like this cycle.
It's like a cyclical cycle.

Speaker 1 And it's mostly I'm doing that because they're not good for me, but then I'm also just in this chaotic site. It's like kind of like my childhood, you know, fighting, going back, fighting.

Speaker 1 But how is that weaponized against the other person? Do you know deep down, like, like, how would you like just try to absolutely wreck someone mentally?

Speaker 1 It depends what I want to, like, make them

Speaker 1 more into me or make them miss me. Like, you know, pose is so scary.
It's very scary.

Speaker 1 It depends what I want to do. What is my mission? Tell me my mission.
Just to like knock them down, just like try to devastate them or make them feel bad. I mean, you could just do jokes about them.

Speaker 1 It sucks. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was like talking to this doorman and I remember one time he's like, I don't just open doors. I'm like we open windows

Speaker 1 that's pretty fucking funny yeah I mean like you could it's so easy to do yeah because men's egos are so fragile yeah well also it's like dude or like your dick is stuck in bed

Speaker 1 there's just so many things

Speaker 1 your penis sucks as a new that's like nuclear option like I and I it's one of the things as a man you have to wonder like what does she really think about this and it's like you don't want to know obviously i've i've like i've went into that cave before in previous relationships like just tell me and it's just like

Speaker 1 crippling. You're like, wait, what? What did you ask them in terms of what they think about you as a person? No, I don't care about that.
I was like, how big is my dick compared to all the others?

Speaker 1 That's a tough question.

Speaker 1 That's a tough question. I thought I wanted the answers, and I was just like, really? This is the last guy you're with.
Okay. Fuck.

Speaker 1 Guys, huge dicks usually are not great in bed, though. I will say that.
I'd rather an average dick. I'd rather an average-sized dick.

Speaker 1 I'd rather an average-sized guy that does all this stuff than a guy that sticks a finger in for a second and then has sex with the onion. Congratulations.
You just won over our entire fan base, dude.

Speaker 1 If you were worried about it for a second, then

Speaker 1 can you put this to the beginning of the action? Can you move this to the beginning?

Speaker 1 Amortized dicks are where it's at.

Speaker 1 I'll do that from like, you know, the amateurizing dicks are where it's at. Nobody wants a big dick.
This crowd makes a lot of sense, man. I really like the way she's fucking thinking.

Speaker 1 I also, look, and I could be,

Speaker 1 I could just, you know, I'm not like trying to talk about guys with big dicks like they're like bad, but I feel like they do carry more of a Machiavellian kind of personality.

Speaker 1 yeah because they have this big dick but usually that's all they do is have a big dick yeah so it's like if you just have that and like don't do foreplay you don't do anything about like for someone else it's like it just sucks it's not great eventually it all i i knew i knew one guy in my life who was uh you know we

Speaker 1 it was like selling we doing we had like the we kind of like a professional relationship and he

Speaker 1 he apparently had a giant dick and he remember him telling me like bro he's like living with this lady and i remember being like man she's really putting up with a lot and he's like i'm controlling her mind with my dick And that was what he told me.

Speaker 1 And for a minute, I was like, maybe he is. I'm like, well, good for him.
Some girls are size queens and they want a huge dick. But it all fell apart.

Speaker 1 Eventually, I think she found, maybe found a bigger dick. That's a problem.
Someone finds another big dick. I guess you got to like flip a lot of stones, but eventually you find another one.

Speaker 1 But now this guy could do more damage than the other guy. True.
If you're like really into big dicks, I guess you would put up with a lot. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But it all came crashing down because I remember being like, man, that's a thing. I didn't know that.
And then eventually, like, he got kicked out of the house. And I was like, well, mind control.

Speaker 1 MK Ultra is apparently ceased.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But yeah, it was,

Speaker 1 it was kind of a, it was like a weird thing. That's never really been my play.
I've never tried to like control a woman's mind. I don't know if this is a moment.
I didn't know it was an option.

Speaker 1 I didn't know it was an option. I don't know if this guy was controlling her mind either.
I don't think he did. I got kicked out of her house.
Yeah. And she called the police on him.
It sounded like

Speaker 1 a cat person.

Speaker 1 Where's this guy from?

Speaker 1 Pennsylvania. Well, I've dated some Pennsylvania trash.
Really? Keep going. True.

Speaker 1 He didn't have a huge addict, though. Yeah, this guy.
He called it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But he, yeah, it was always, I've always been kind of fascinated. It's as a guy, too.
Like, you'll just be like chilling with the guy for a long time.

Speaker 1 Then you just learn he has a huge dick and you're like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 Who cares? That's like. I don't care anymore.
I don't care anymore, but it was just, it's, well, sorry. What were you saying? You don't think it's a thing? I don't, like, I get it.

Speaker 1 Some people really love huge dicks, but to me, it's like what you can do with it, like, what your other skills are kind of are better than just having like this one thing you're yeah, true.

Speaker 1 Because, like, you're not even necessarily good at it. You just have it.

Speaker 1 okay so like when it goes like all the way to the back you're saying like take it or leave it i told the guy i was like hey i don't come like that and he's like oh what should i do he's like because girls just be coming from that so like he didn't even know i was like well first of all a lot of them are lying to you but like he's almost 40 and like he did not even know that he's like oh i just i have girls just be coming like that i'm like yeah not mostly this is a sick answer though i'm gonna do my wife that's like

Speaker 1 girls usually just be coming from that dude i don't know what he's like so what should i do it's like so this guy guy doesn't even know. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wait, he didn't know to like put it in and go as fast as possible.

Speaker 1 The jackhammer move? That's actually his only move.

Speaker 1 He's like in another world. Like, this isn't for you.
This is for me. Oh, for sure.
It's for him. Yeah.

Speaker 1 For sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 that is very funny. Yeah, I don't know, man.
I don't, I don't have, I used to be, like, as a younger man, I was very like hung up. I'd be like, oh, my God, like, you know, where do I stand?

Speaker 1 And then you get older, you're like, what the fuck, man? I don't care. But it doesn't matter.
It's one of those things, too. It's like, there's an expiration date on that.

Speaker 1 If you're like priding yourself at being awesome at sex, it's like, well, guess what, dude?

Speaker 1 Yeah. And also, this guy was like, well, the one thing you shouldn't talk about is how a guy has sex.
And I'm like, that should have tipped me off that he's not good. What do you mean to talk about?

Speaker 1 He's like, you shouldn't, like, I guess, criticize how a man is in bed. And then I was like, I should probably think this is not going to be good.
Like, if you don't want to hear any feedback. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's also such a funny thing to be like, look, it's just kind of impolite for you to like tell me.

Speaker 1 Can you please not leave me a bed yelp review actually that's not going to be great for me i i went on it one online date with a person this was the most i mean this was diabolical and i don't think they genuinely did it on purpose but this lady was very into lsd she was like you know it was she was working with like kids with disabilities and she's like i want to give it to them and i remember being like that's pretty nuts you shouldn't do that but she uh She told me this.

Speaker 1 I was like, I always would, that was like my big icebreaker. I'm like, what's like the weirdest date you ever went on?

Speaker 1 And this lady was like, one time I brought some acid to this guy's apartment and like, he never did it before. And we were like tripping on acid.
And we started having sex.

Speaker 1 And halfway through, I stopped and I was like, I'm sorry, but you have the smallest penis I've ever seen.

Speaker 1 She's like, I got to stop. And she just like got off and just chilled in his apartment and like finished the acid or whatever.

Speaker 1 And she said the guy the whole time was watching like motivational videos on his YouTube while she just kind of like sat on her phone. Why didn't he just leave? It was his apartment.

Speaker 1 Why didn't she just leave? She's a fucking psycho. I don't know.
But she like broke this down to him, being like, bro, like, you don't understand. Like, this is crazy.

Speaker 1 I've never encountered anything like this. A dick's so small.
A dick's like, I can't, like, we just have to stop right now. And then I think.
I dated some guys with small dicks. Really?

Speaker 1 I went on a streak of small dicks for a lot of years. That's kind of sick.

Speaker 1 It was, but at one point, you just look at it. You're like, I feel almost like a pedophile.
This is like kind of

Speaker 1 gross.

Speaker 1 It's very small. You just lost half the fan base.
Fuck. Aren't they pedophiles?

Speaker 1 Guys. I'm kidding.
That is very funny. Yeah, that's got to be.
Well, that's a,

Speaker 1 I mean, it is the old Louis bit where he's like, you don't know what it is until you get, you have to go on an entire day. Was it? Did he? I think he did.
Maybe he, I don't know. Maybe I wrote that.

Speaker 1 I'm a fucking comedic genius. But the

Speaker 1 is that what the podium is for?

Speaker 1 Well, did you notice my podium is so big?

Speaker 1 Listen, it's a big dick energy move.

Speaker 1 This is a very small energy.

Speaker 1 But I did do that consciously because it made me laugh to be like at a gigantic push. I love it.

Speaker 1 But maybe subconsciously, it is the conversation. But the, what the fuck? I don't even remember what the fuck I was saying.
Oh, that is, that is crazy to just go on a streak and then it's like you.

Speaker 1 I wasn't trying. It was happening.
Seeking it out would be crazy, though, if you started matching them up. It was just small.
How accurately do you think you can predict just looking at a person?

Speaker 1 I have no idea. So it's just a total

Speaker 1 question mark. Yeah, I've no idea.
You can't go by feet size. You really can't.
For me, I have no idea. My friend can tell pretty accurately, but I have no idea.
That's crazy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 How does your friend?

Speaker 1 I don't know. She just has a gift, I think.
She has, she's gifted. Yeah.
She's gifted. Yeah, because the thing is, you can't, then like, you have a responsibility.

Speaker 1 You can't, like, leave the guy and be like, dude, your dick's just not cutting the mustard. Because then it's like, that's, that's terrible.
So you have to, like, just kind of wait. What do you do?

Speaker 1 You just have to wait it out for a little bit and eventually be like, look, I don't think.

Speaker 1 No, I mean, I remember one time I was like talking to this guy and he was like, oh, I just want you to have a small dick. Like, we were at a place.

Speaker 1 And then, like, I i was like all right well i'll like jerk you off but like i'm not gonna like take a number and have that yeah to my roster true true bring down the mean the mean average

Speaker 1 but listen when a guy tells you he has a small dick he does usually yeah the power move is when it's average and you go super small and then they're like it's like three inches yeah oh it's six that's great yeah that's exactly that's kind of my move to be like it's so small then they go it's not that bad you're like well

Speaker 1 whatever right they're like pleasantly surprised exactly yeah usually the whole time on the date you're like you're eating like how's your food like by the way my fucking dick is tiny dude but then sometimes

Speaker 1 sometimes it is tiny and you're like oh you were not lying honest a that point you're honest dave yeah i told you what you were in for it was not good i think that's actually that's a good that's a noble thing though to be like look i got i got a small fucking dick it's kind of freeing

Speaker 1 i would think so and then you could also if you date this person just like get away with so much because their dick is so small oh you could you're saying you can like denigrate them or just

Speaker 1 cheat. It's a pretty cheat.

Speaker 1 I feel like finding another person to put up with that. Yeah, true.
Be like, look, I would love you if your dick was bigger, but it's not. I do love you, but I don't like you.
I don't like you at all.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I have to do this because of you. If you have a small dick, you have to be good at other stuff.
For sure. And that's why these big dick guys are not.
Yeah, that's true. You got to be very good.

Speaker 1 The one thing that is crushing in terms of from a celebrity perspective, then you get like

Speaker 1 well-known celebrities with small penises and that kind of like hits the streets. What was that guy's name that cheated on his wife with the nanny and he had a small dick? White guy, curly hair.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I was thinking, I know Arnold Schwarzenegger took down his nanny, but I don't know.
I'd imagine he doesn't have a micropenny. That'd be crazy.
Talented Mr. Ripley, he was in.

Speaker 1 Who's that guy?

Speaker 1 Not Matt Damon, the other one.

Speaker 1 Not Ben Athley. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 J-Lo wouldn't put up with that. Probably not.
Probably did it with Size Queen.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I'm trying to think of this.

Speaker 1 It's the guy in it.

Speaker 1 The talented man. So it's not Ben Affleck.
Who's the other guy? Jude Law. Jude Law.
Jude Law. Really? He's a hunk.
I know, and he's got a small dick. From what I've heard, I don't know.
Okay. That's.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he's so handsome, though, right? Wouldn't it be kind of like that would really be a... Small and thin is bad.
It has to at least be thick.

Speaker 1 Thickish.

Speaker 1 Just not like a finger. Okay.

Speaker 1 More like one and a half. Like two, at least? Okay, Yeah, cool.
Even if they're like two pinkies, that's not fast. Oh, you're saying, like.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, like, you prefer two thumbs, wide length. I got you.
But you'll take two pinkies. Pinkies is serviceable.
Two fingies is serviceable. It's on the low end.

Speaker 1 One index finger you're talking about.

Speaker 1 Getting probed. You're talking about getting probed.
Is that out? No, for real.

Speaker 1 I'm not dick bragging at all. Is that out there? I don't know.
That's crazy.

Speaker 1 I've never come across. Damn, I was feeling real good about myself.
I was like, I'm sure there is

Speaker 1 if this air airs in China. I'm sure there are some guys with that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's.

Speaker 1 Have they done the smallest in the planet? I think the smallest on the planet.

Speaker 1 Some guys, like, wait, have you gone to Jupiter and seen what the dicks are like out there? Have they done smallest on the planet? North Korea. Yeah.
He's got, he's known for the smallest piece.

Speaker 1 So, how does that work? They didn't have like a, oh, they had a contest, didn't they? They actually had a, I actually, yeah, I read about this.

Speaker 1 They had a small dick contest, and they found the guy who had like the the smallest dick in the world so i think it was like trying to raise awareness

Speaker 1 be like look guys let's destigmatize just gonna make him want to kill himself more smallest dick in the world at that point though you'd have to just laugh like you're not it's so crazy i have the smallest dick and then you'd know for you'd know where you stand half the torture is not knowing where you stand right if you're just the worst you're like but i have huge balls my balls are just huge yeah that would be

Speaker 1 i'm gonna stick my dick in there and my balls so you're gonna get everything you just spray like an ungodly amount of calm out of your dice. You're getting everything, man.
Yeah, that is

Speaker 1 an issue, and that's one, that's one guys are sensitive about. And, you know, it's,

Speaker 1 man, I just wish my brothers out there could just, you know, just be free and free. Average is the best.
I think so, too. It's best of both worlds.
Best of all worlds.

Speaker 1 Hard worker, hard worker. You know, you get a little something going in sweatpants, nothing crazy, nothing to brag about.
If there's nothing there, that's a real turn off.

Speaker 1 But also for a woman, you really don't know. I mean, I guess there's no way to know either if a woman's vagina is like like huge.
Yeah, there's no way. That's a absolute,

Speaker 1 you can't tell at all. Right.
So you just have to go in. You're both like this.

Speaker 1 Fingers crossed.

Speaker 1 We have no idea if this is going to be a match or not. Yeah.
I mean, yeah, people should, I would like to think people should be more like just kind of gracious about it and be like, hey, you know, I.

Speaker 1 I didn't really think that worked out very well. I'll be willing to accept my half of the responsibility.
And, you know, let's say I wish you the best and maybe find a good match.

Speaker 1 I had boy an ex-boyfriend who said that like he had sex with a woman and it was just like hollow inside he also didn't have a big dick and I was like so what do you do he's like you just try and hit the walls yeah that was so funny you gotta lean yeah I guess you'd have to lean to either side you just I didn't think this I think I did this wrong again that's all right yeah that's still coming off I think dude you caught yourself on that

Speaker 1 but yeah that is uh

Speaker 1 I feel bad that's the thing too like you know because it's I feel bad for her. There could be a lady that has a literally gigantic vagina.
I think there are. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've dated guys who have said that. I'm like, is that a real thing? And they're like, yeah.
I've only ever come across one in my entire life. And it was, I was, I was gracious about it.

Speaker 1 I was like, thank you for letting me, you know, inside you. Do that.
Yeah. Like, thank you.
You've obviously, you know, I'm in the hall of the Titans, but

Speaker 1 like, thank you for letting me in here to call help.

Speaker 1 You were just like, I'm out because you're a loose puss. It was, there's a lot of other stuff going on.
You just make it about something else. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I mean, I would just kind of just not respond, but the kind of dastardly, but no, I would really just be like, yeah, you know, I don't, I don't, I'd wait like a week or two and then be like, dude, I'm, you know, this just isn't.

Speaker 1 I'm so busy.

Speaker 1 I don't know what going on. You're a great person, but the,

Speaker 1 yeah, you know, I'm sorry pretty hard. It's going to be hard for me to keep this up.
You were actually, I just, I need to find someone with a bigger pussy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're actually a little too small for me. Exactly.
I like to be completely lost.

Speaker 1 Completely lost and disoriented. Like a float tank.
I just get in there and I'm like, what the fuck's going on? What's going on here start meditating

Speaker 1 yeah i wish people would the problem is is like i'll argue with my wife and then i'll come in from the shower naked and just like a tiny flaccid penis and it's like you coming from an argument like that yeah i'll walk in i'm begging for it i'm begging i love to be punished but i'm like coming in i'll do that you won't even like get a little thing going

Speaker 1 if i have if i have like the time to do it if i'm like thinking about it i mean i'll always get a little thing that's like okay good first step but the sometimes i'll just be like you know getting ready for bed and we'll like be in that like silent zone of like huffing and puffing and i'll just like i'll walk in in my head i'm like i dare i know she's like this fucking look at this piece of shit like and she's definitely and i know you're smiling she's definitely she's definitely

Speaker 1 someone does that and you're like i hate you so much right now there's no way i would ever touch you

Speaker 1 i'd rather you go fuck a homeless person than me touch you but is she like sometimes she gives in because she just knows When you say give in, I'm talking about she's mad.

Speaker 1 I'm talking about she's looking at me and I know she's mad at me already. So she's seeing me naked and just like my, I have like fucking pimples on my butt and a tiny flaccid penis.

Speaker 1 I know she's being like gross. Yeah.
But I'm like, and I'm looking at her like, say something. I fucking dare you.
Are you talking about me being like trying to parlay that into a sexual advance?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like she's mad at you and then you come in and you're like, huh?

Speaker 1 We got to be fighting really bad for it to kind of go to like sexual. It has happened.
I've had sex with people where I'm like, this is almost rape. Where you're like, I'm so not into this.

Speaker 1 Just like praying for it to end. Yeah.
Yeah. That's that also hurts a guy's ego, but the not enough to stop.

Speaker 1 He's like, this hurts, but I'm going to keep going. That's for you guys.
That's for you guys. We're like, I'm going to deal with that.
Yeah. That's for you guys.

Speaker 1 But I, I've always been a bit of a brat about that. If I, if, like, if I'm getting like kind of maintenance sex of like, look, I know you need this, do it.

Speaker 1 I used to be very like, you're not even into it. But now I'm, I'll be gracious.
I'm like, dude, thanks. You know,

Speaker 1 I know this isn't on the top of your agenda, but thanks for letting me do that. I was actually.
Well, thanks for letting me masturbate with your vagina.

Speaker 1 That's kind of what that sex feels like when you're not into it. I don't know what's going on with this thing.

Speaker 1 That's what it feels like where you're like, I'm just going to let you masturbate my pussy. Yeah, I still, I'll be honest, though.

Speaker 1 It's like I've gotten more gracious, but there's part of me that gets resentful. It's like, seriously, dude, like you're not feeling this at all.

Speaker 1 And that's kind of, but then it's like, what a nice thing to do. So I'm kind of torn by that issue.
I get it.

Speaker 1 It's also nice, too, like if you are doing it from behind, you're really disconnected from it.

Speaker 1 If you could just be on your phone doing something, yeah that would be like the nice part for her yeah true just watching just real she's just responding to emails because she has a lot to do just watching fighter and the kid clips

Speaker 1 just thinking about him

Speaker 1 so wait is he not doing stand-up anymore i don't really know much i think he's gonna get back into fighting i've also i've heard by the way i'm not trying to trash the guy i think him as his

Speaker 1 as a phenomenon that's kind of what i'm interested in i i'm not i love the first of all i don't know him so i don't like dislike him or anything but someone sent me a videos where he's just like in podcasts lying about stuff, and then he's on another podcast contradicting it.

Speaker 1 That's what happens when you have 95,000 people auditing your every word.

Speaker 1 You would tear you to shreds.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think he said, like, he didn't grow up with dogs, and then someone's like, he did grow up with dogs, and then he said he had a parrot, and then he didn't have a parrot or something.

Speaker 1 It's just kind of great. It is pretty funny.
I do love that. And that's what I love about him is that.
Yeah. It is a cool story.

Speaker 1 It's like he got kind of like, he was an MMA fighter, got like launched into the, you know, I would say semi-national spotlight. got astronomy.
He was from MMA. Yes.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And got, yeah, he was just, he was an MMA guy.

Speaker 1 I think he knew Rogan from MMA, and then he got launched into like, you know, like the role of a comedian, but just was like right at the top and just got, dude, imagine like two years in just getting your.

Speaker 1 I think somebody said they liked Gringo Poppy better than my special.

Speaker 1 It's probably my wife, dude.

Speaker 1 Nasty wife.

Speaker 1 That's funny. Yeah, it was all right, but I just prefer the energy GP.

Speaker 1 Like, I know you're trying to hurt my feelings, but actually, that made me laugh. Yeah, that also made me, that is, like, that's one of those ones.

Speaker 1 You're like, nah, it's, you know, nah, it's fucking with me.

Speaker 1 Just being mean.

Speaker 1 But yeah, I, I,

Speaker 1 I don't know what the fuck I was even talking about, but yeah, I just, I don't want to throw shade to the shop, man, but it is, it was kind of a, uh, I've heard he's nice.

Speaker 1 I heard he's a nice guy, but it was just a very, I think about it a lot. Like, just like, how do you deal with the people? They're, they're, like, kind of paying for your livelihood.

Speaker 1 And part of that is them getting to say like horrible, shitty things to you.

Speaker 1 And it's like, like a dad who pays your bills and they, every now and again, again they just lash it they get people get drunk too online you forget you read oh that's true a lot of them that's where they get their courage yeah or a lot of people like they'll be blacked out you'll like read something and be like oh how could somebody possibly say that and then you get a message later be like bro i blacked out i'm so i was hammered last night i apologize but that is how you truly feel true true you're apologizing for sending it but that is how you feel about me yeah true you expose me to your truth and um but yeah i don't know it gets weird because then you get into the territory of like well you know it's like this is kind of this this is what I like to tell myself.

Speaker 1 Like, maybe I'm just listening to something they see in themselves and they hate it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's true, too. There are a lot of times they're going through shit.
They need someone to take it out on. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's what I like about New York City is that like if you're having a bad day, there are so many people to unleash your anger on. That's kind of nice.

Speaker 1 And everyone's just mad, so it doesn't really matter. I do miss that, the road rage in Philly.

Speaker 1 It was like you could come up to a stop sign, someone starts to go, and you're just like hanging out your window like

Speaker 1 fuck you. It is me and just like a Muslim black lady were fighting.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, this is, we never would have talked otherwise right look at it bringing us together we get to scream at each other we both fucking hate each other

Speaker 1 yeah that was uh i do miss that texas is like weirdly nice i didn't know it'd be so nice down here do you think that's just austin or do you think it's could just be austin i've never i've i've only ever been in austin so i don't know but i think people are generally like a little more a little bit slower and yeah nicer yeah a little dumber Do you think somebody said it has something to do with everyone having a gun?

Speaker 1 Like in New York, no one has a gun. Yeah, I agree.
You can kind of pop off. Right.
So here it's like, hey, we both have guns. Yeah, let's not

Speaker 1 shoot each other.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's another one of my recent, like, just pointless fantasies I have now of getting in a road rage altercation and just being like totally gracious and being like, dude, I fully apologize for what I just did.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I'd like for us to move forward through this and just try to really change something.
My wife just fucking upset me.

Speaker 1 She just really told me something that's upsetting. My wife.
I'm taking it out on you and you don't deserve that.

Speaker 1 True. That'd be nice to just trap the guy, go from Road Rage to being like, dude,

Speaker 1 I just need someone to talk to. I don't think my dick's that good, dude.
I don't think my dick's that good.

Speaker 1 I don't think I'll ever be able to truly please a woman. And I'm just fucking, I just want to see what I'm saying.
Can you get back to like shooting me, please?

Speaker 1 I'd actually prefer that than whatever we're doing right now. I think I'll be born and die and I'll truly never please a woman.
Damn. Hurts me.
There are some guys that have never pleased a woman.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Probably a lot. It's kind of a cool, but I feel like at that point, you could just like wear an eye patch and just become like a poker.
Like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I think that'd be kind of cool to to like know, like, I'll never, never, just become like a bad guy. You're like, I'm actually trying not to make you come, so if you feel close, let me know.

Speaker 1 I'm going to stop. You're going to mess up my mystique.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But, you know, whatever. It's not all about that.
I'll be honest. You know what I mean? What do you, what would you say it's all about if you had to pick a thing? It's a mix of things.

Speaker 1 You mean like making a relationship work? No, just in general.

Speaker 1 Like in life, what makes you happy? Yeah,

Speaker 1 money. You think so? Yeah.
Definitely money.

Speaker 1 Probably money, and I guess some people you do love. Yeah.
Those two things. I think you're right.

Speaker 1 If you had to only pick one, I'm sure most people would just say like family that you love.

Speaker 1 But also money's pretty great. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It is one of those things. I don't think it is the root of all evil.
I would say it's not. No.

Speaker 1 I do think at some point when you have so much money and you can like control things, that's not great. But if you have just enough for yourself and pay your bills.

Speaker 1 Pay your bills and like go on vacation. If you need to pop, like you should have enough money to possibly have to go off the grid.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 agree, man. I think there is like the problem is, is like, once you get enough to pay your bills, go on vacation and like have a nice normal life.

Speaker 1 The problem is I would, you know, I have that and I'll still get like miserable. And that's when I'm like, dude, I'm just fucked.

Speaker 1 And that's what I've been trying to work on that a lot because it's very shitty because you're like, dude, what the fuck? Nothing brings me back.

Speaker 1 You might just like need to get cancer and almost die and then come back from it. So then you're like, oh, shit, I do really appreciate this now.
We just haven't had cancer yet. That's true.

Speaker 1 I I am looking forward to that. That would be a total game changer.
Where you're like almost going to die and then you're like, I love life. Yeah, that's what I need.

Speaker 1 I have a pretty everyone needs that. I think so.
Almost near-death experience where you enjoy life again. It's a good idea.
That's what kind of like, you know, you can also do like a ton of mushrooms.

Speaker 1 That kind of does help. If you, if you're like, want to get it.
I'm just scared of drugs because I don't respond great to them.

Speaker 1 And I just think I feel like anytime I did something crazy, like I've only smoked pot and had great and awful experiences.

Speaker 1 I think if I did mushrooms or something, I'd be like, I could fly and I know I'd fall out a window. Yeah, I tried to climb a water tower when I was little.
Right. That's why I don't like three.

Speaker 1 Climb it? No, no, no. I mean, well, I shouldn't say little.
I was like fucking 18 years old, but I was, you know. Younger.
I was new, I was a fresh boy.

Speaker 1 People were showing me their butts in the fucking apartment. Life was really opening up for you.
The opportunities that you were really getting between

Speaker 1 seeing guys' butts and climbing water up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was like, I don't remember just being like, oh, and mushrooms and being like, I'm definitely going to climb that. And my friends are like, don't, don't do that.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I couldn't comprehend the idea of like getting, like, her getting hurt or getting in trouble. I was like, dude, I'll get to the top.
Like, watch this.

Speaker 1 And they were like, dude, for real, don't. And you still did it.
I didn't do it. Thank fucking God.
Because that's not smart. No, that's why I am a little bit nervous about that.

Speaker 1 Like, yeah, I might jump off some shit, but I try to stay ground level. Ground level.
Stay ground level.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I think I'd probably be like, well, let me see if I could dart across this eight lane highway. Yeah.
That's another thing I could see myself doing. I've driven them.
Oh, look, I've done it.

Speaker 1 I know. I just think I would do stupid stuff like that.
I drove on mushrooms against my guitar teacher's teacher's advice. He was like, I told him, I was like, I'm going to do mushrooms.

Speaker 1 He was like, sick. And he was like, don't.
He was like, whatever you do. He's like, just create some cool riffs.

Speaker 1 He was like, whatever you do, do not drive. And I was like, Roger, that.
First time I did him, I was like, I want to get out of here. And just got on the, I thought I was fine.
I got on the road.

Speaker 1 I can imagine. Dude, it was

Speaker 1 terrifying. Yeah, I don't think that's great.
Yeah, don't ever do that. Don't drive on mushrooms.
It's not. Unless you think you could do it.
Unless it's a microdose.

Speaker 1 If it's a microdose, you can fine. Does microdose help with like depression? What does micro dose actually do? So I would argue, yeah, it does.
It's one of those things where it's like

Speaker 1 you take like point one, you're supposed to take like a sub-perceptual dose. So you're not supposed to, if you're like feeling high, it's like it's too much.

Speaker 1 Some people still do that because they're like, oh, this is better. But you take a little bit to the point where you don't really notice it as much, but it will almost alter your thought patterns.

Speaker 1 in a way where you'll be thinking differently.

Speaker 1 And then the days you're off of it, you get to kind of start to compare and be like, okay, on this day, I was presented with this situation and like my brain, you just have like more serotonin.

Speaker 1 So you're going, all right, I kind of worked this problem out differently.

Speaker 1 I should try it. You should.
I think it's a good idea, man. It's not going to hurt.
Microdosing is one of those things. And it's one of those, like.

Speaker 1 What can happen when I would do it initially? Like, I would get nervous. Like, I'm like, oh, I'm going to take too much and like freak out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm just worried I'm going to freak out. It's just the first couple of days.
You take it on like a day, you have nothing to do. And like, you know, just go do stuff, walk, go for a walk.

Speaker 1 And I think it's good. Like, and I would go off and on.
I still go off and on and on.

Speaker 1 this is my on cycle i'm on them right now but the but you seem like fine yeah it's totally fine it really is how long does it like last for uh

Speaker 1 it takes about you take it and then like an hour later you might start to feel like an onset

Speaker 1 but ideally you barely even feel it all do you drive on it oh big time oh okay i should drive uber on them all the time no is it like legal to drive on it not what you're doing

Speaker 1 not whatever crazy shit you're doing there well yeah it is because it's like you're not gonna get breath a lot you're not gonna be like are you on point one of fucking golden wizards

Speaker 1 does golden wizards make you tell the truth where you're like yes

Speaker 1 it no you would be fine i'm telling you if like if you were to take a actual the problem is with mushrooms they can be like five times stronger than other things so like

Speaker 1 but if you find a good batch i took one edible at my friend we were in austin for moontower my friend my best friend does edibles she's like this is actually very low yeah and then i took it and i woke up to the ocean and it was, I was off the rails.

Speaker 1 Anytime I do it and it goes bad, I'm like in a situation where I think someone's trying to kill me or I'm dead and I need to wake myself up. I'm like in a coma.
What did you take near the ocean?

Speaker 1 Where were you? Oh no, I heard the ocean. I was in a hotel room.
Oh, God. Yeah.
I was like.

Speaker 1 The edibles, dude, that's one of the things people will act like. I would really like to.
I took one and my friend was like, how many did you take?

Speaker 1 And I like counted them and I was like, I think I took all of them. I was like, they keep disappearing.
It was like wild. Really? Yeah.
Was your friend find?

Speaker 1 my friend didn't take it she's like i i'll

Speaker 1 i guess by whatever the percentage was she was like this is a very low dose and then i took one and i was like i thought it was russell crowe and that a beautiful mind like i always go towards schizophrenia where like we're like i think i'm doing one thing but this is like reality yeah that the weed edibles can they i don't i don't i'd rather take i'd honestly rather take a small amount of mushrooms than take a weed edible they like freak me out they get like my heart rate kind of going and i get like i always it's just like i always go to like i'm in a mental institution no one will tell me the truth i'm stuck here people are visiting me it's like it's my mind's just not good one i thought i was trying to kill me the whole night yeah and we were staying together and we he was going back to this airbnb and he chose a different way and i was like are you gonna come in that hotel he's like no i was like but wouldn't you say you're not gonna kill me if you're gonna come he's like yeah i guess that's right and i i went to open the door and jump out he's like don't jump out

Speaker 1 but i freaked him out where he got back to the airbnb and locked the door he's like i don't want you trying to come in i was like i'm locking my door you're locked you in wait he locked you in we had our own door we had our own bedroom.

Speaker 1 So he locked himself in his bedroom and I locked mine out of my bedroom because I was like, You might be trying to kill me. I have no idea.

Speaker 1 That was when you did the weed edibles last night.

Speaker 1 That was another time that we, the first night we did it, we smoked, and it was the most fun. And then it was that.
The edibles are a whole different. Yeah, that wasn't even edibles.

Speaker 1 That was regular pot. And I was like, what is this? He goes, yeah, this like makes you a little more like hypochondriac.
I'm like, why wouldn't you tell me that?

Speaker 1 He hit you with the hypochondriac weed. I don't know.
Whatever it is, it was not good. I was succeeding to the most on hypochondriac.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 1 Bro, you're swap as hell.

Speaker 1 I'm so thank you so much for putting up with this. I'm trying to, I'm like, yeah, taking mushrooms is sick.
It's my fucking setup sucks.

Speaker 1 Sorry. Yeah, I think we did it.
We're now done.

Speaker 1 Yo, for real. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 Let's log off.

Speaker 1 Okay. You absolutely did it.

Speaker 1 You absolutely did it.

Speaker 1 I'm like eating the microphone.

Speaker 1 Dude, for real, thank you for that.

Speaker 1 Women are so stupid.

Speaker 1 I, for real, thank you, Rule. I'm very happy you did this.
Me too. And I hope everyone doesn't hate me on your podcast.
And if they do, it's like not my problem. I got a good sixth sense, dude.

Speaker 1 I got a good sixth cent. And

Speaker 1 I would say they'll say, Welcome to the Halls of Amente. I hope so.
They'll say, Absolute. They'll say the Dark Queen has arrived, dude.
Go watch the Dark Queen. Go get upset.

Speaker 1 Yeah, watch The Dark Queen. These guys aren't going to get upset.
These guys are fucking paying. This is my fan base, probably.
I think it might be, honestly. I think you might have found your fancy.

Speaker 1 Just trash people. I'm also garbage, so it makes sense.
Yeah, you're about to get tapped into the worst dudes.

Speaker 1 I have data guy from Philly. I'm already there.
Yeah, I know what that's like. No, they're very

Speaker 1 my own and my family are fiercely loyal, dude. I know.
My energized communities wait to you, dude. I love it.
But no, dude, thank you for doing this. You're cool.
Thank you for having me.

Speaker 1 It was a lot of fun, despite this thing. Well,

Speaker 1 we're going to love mics. Guys, go to Netflix, watch the Dark Queen.
Thank you. Do you have like a website or tickets or anything? Oh, yeah.
Go check me out on

Speaker 1 Instagram, Adrian Appalucci. Come see me on the road.
I'm going to go do some gigs with Ari January, February, March. Right on.

Speaker 1 And I have some of my own headlining dates. So go come out.
All right. Love you guys.