Ep 532 - Dark Queen & Cuck King (feat. Adrienne Iapalucci)

Wow, wow, Wes. Thank you for doing the podcast.
Thanks for having me. Thank you for doing my professional broadcast.
I love it. I'm counting this as exercise that I'm standing the whole time.
You'll feel it tomorrow. I swear to God, I wake up the next morning.
I'm like, dude, did I work all day? I'm like, technically, I worked. But I'm like, I never feel physically exerted.
I exerted myself. And I'm like, I feel like I'm putting in an honest day when I stand on the podium.
Even just shifting weight from foot to foot. I feel like this is picking up me breathing.
I know. It's a whole fucking thing.
It took me forever to figure it out. Peas.
I like

in a way Even just shifting weight from foot to foot. I feel like this is picking up me breathing.
I know. It's a whole fucking thing.
It took me forever to figure it out. P's.
I'm moving it away. Can you still hear me if I move it away? Yeah.
Adrian Appaloochee. Yes.
Matt McCuskey. Is it Adrian or Adrian? What do you prefer? I guess Adrian, but I'm open to it.
Adrian Appaloochee. I have a serious fear of mispronouncing people's names, so I just usually don't say them ever.
That's smart. Well, people pick up on it.
When you call someone like dude for the fifth time, they're kind of like, all right. I prefer it, though.
Me, too. I don't think we need names.
I meet everyone. I'm terrified I'm going to mess their name up.
I'm like, hey, what's up, man? They're like, hi, Matt. And I'm like, all right, dude, don't show off, man.
Yeah, just be like, hey, what's up? Hey, what's up, man? How you doing? Yeah. Also, if someone doesn't know my name it's like not offensive some people get offended you know comedians get offended about that means get offended by everything but it's like i don't if you don't know my name it's like i have no idea who you are either like exactly it's perfect yeah perfect it is nice i will say we were talking about this briefly but the idea of like luckily we met last night i was happy we got the hang yes me too that because it's like dude meeting for the first time on a podcast is then filming it.
That's the worst part. Then you're filming the encounter.
It's like Love on the Spectrum where you have to just like film like a terrible encounter and just be like, so what is your take? It's just, it's been a nightmare, man. I miss you.
I miss my co-host. Oh, I bet.
He's going to come back. He's probably very excited.
You know how to be here. It's, yeah, I mean, again, it's like I've gotten to the point now where I'm like I could just go get I don't want to get a regular job but I feel like I if it happened I'd be like yeah I had a good run so every day is a blessing why would you need a regular job you have like a huge following I know but I I'm closer to a day job than you yeah perhaps but it's like this is the way I think it's like I'm you know what you do? Would you go back to what you were doing before? You would like try something new? I think I would try something new.
Like what? Therapist. I think you need like schooling.
I have my social work master's. I got my master's in social work.
Excuse me? Excuse me? But no. Listen, I don't know anything about you.
Do you know what I mean? I know Matt and McCaskill. That's about.
I know. And that's good, man.
I think that is a good thing. I don't know.
So you have, you just got the Netflix special. Congratulations.
That's fucking awesome. How do you feel? Do you feel like? I feel good about it.
I honestly thought people would be more upset. Why? I don't know.
I guess because it's some touchy topics. I have gotten some, like, nasty DMs, which is fun.
Did you really? Yeah, one lady, I guess, got upset by the Gaza stuff, and she told me it was a disappointment to Hitler. Like, I'm worse than Hitler.
He would be disappointed by my jokes. What are you saying? She's saying that you would have offended Hitler? She's saying that my joke, first of all, she didn't even understand the joke.
She's saying it's like egregious towards Jews. And I'm like, you don't even understand the joke.
But also then she's like, you're so bad that you would disappoint Hitler. Like, Hitler would think I was over the line.
That's a bold claim. I was like, what a huge feat to disappoint Hitler.
Yeah, true. Or just him being like, this lady's a menace.
This lady's an absolute menace who needs to be stopped. She needs to be stopped.
Let's get me back there. History will remember her for all time for the atrocity she committed.
Yeah, and then some other lady told me, she was like, you're going to get fucking cancelled, bitch. I'm like, by who? Yeah, true.
I me your situation so are is this like your first foray into kind of like the public consciousness or like what you've been how long you've been 20 years okay yeah so you've put an album out and then i did the uh degenerates like four years ago on netflix which is like just a short set so you're no you're no stranger to is this like Is this more of a swell of people hitting you up

now or have you been dealing with people like that?

I mean, I've always gotten people

even at a show being upset or

after telling me stuff. Yeah.

It is weird how everyone feels

like they need to tell you what they think.

Yeah. That's a weird

part, I guess, of social media

that you didn't realize. Or I didn't realize that was

going to happen when we first got on that everyone has an

opinion and they think it matters. Oh, yeah.

Big time. Especially when you're just like, did you get upset when you read like nasty messages or is it just kind of like? I think maybe years ago when I first started and I didn't understand it, but like, I don't care now.
They actually, I enjoy them. You think it's kind of funny? Yeah, I think it's kind of funny.
Also, you give me so much power that you're so mad and worked up that you have to tell me how you feel. Yeah.
Like, what a compliment you leave my show. Like, you came to the show, you made plans to have someone watch your dumb kids, and you're so mad that you're going to go back home.
Probably hit your kids, too. You ever think about that? You're like, that lady fucking doesn't know shit about Gaza, and you're like, you just take it all out of your sleeping children.
I don't know anything about Gaza.

A lot of the stuff I make up. For sure.

Everyone makes up everything. Even like serious people make up

stuff about Gaza. Nobody knows.
We don't

really know. I don't know anything about

Ukraine either, but like none of it.

I know very little about it and I'm talking

about all of it. As you should.

As you should.

I'm not qualified to really talk about anything.

Dude, I tried to read a book once and be like,

I'm going to get to the bottom of like the whole Israel-Palestine

situation. I just got bored.
I was like,

I'm not qualified to really talk about anything. Dude, I tried to read a book once and be like, I'm going to get to the bottom of the whole Israel-Palestine situation.
I just got bored. I was like, I'm not doing this.
Why should I do this? Did you even understand it? Not really. If I'm bored, I tune out so quickly.
It's very hard to keep my attention, and I'm just like, out. The first chapter was how Israel got founded, and I made it through a little bit of that, and then I was like, this many fucking dates i'm done don't throw dates at me yeah it was it was like uh apparently they said that the what was they said part of what made israel like you know a nation-states part of like the thing driving america or whatever to help them out was that there were a group of christians who believe that if when jesus come back when jesus came back he wanted the holy lands to be the way he left them.
So they were like, we need some Jews there. Or else Jesus is going to come back and be like, what the fuck? This neighborhood's going to shit.
That's so funny. I know.
Where he's like, could you deport me somewhere else? This is bullshit. Don't you think if he was going to come back, he would have come back already? It's just like, it's not going to happen.
I don't know. He might be waiting for the...
He might be checking Zillow, being like, tents are going for fucking nothing right now. I thought my tent would be worth fucking $10 million by now.
I believe in it more if he went back to like Flint. Flint, Michigan? He's like, I'm going to turn this place into...
That would be so sick if Jesus did? And we're all like, dude, we're just fucking kidding. Yeah, we're just kidding, Jesus.
You fucking rule. Thank you so much for coming back.
Yeah, I think that is. I don't think he's a, you know, again, it's like, I don't even want to say it because if he comes back, he's going to be like, psh, you hell.
Fine, I don't care. It doesn't matter what you think privately.
All you have to do is say like, yeah, he's definitely coming back. But also, if you're like a Christian, you could just be like, I'm sorry, right before you die and everything's forgiven.
Yeah, you can. You could do that.
But again, then you go into the afterlife and you're going to spend eternity just being like, sweet. I did it.
I tricked him. He's like, go around drinking free Starbucks.
But then you could just go around to him and be like, I still don't believe. True.
I actually think it's fake. Yeah, hell's a...
Did you go to, like, Catholic school? I went to Catholic school my whole life. Same here.
Yeah. Did you believe in hell when you were little? I guess, you know, they drill it into your head pretty bad, and then at some point you're like, church is boring, I don't believe any of this.
Yeah. So, I don't know, I don't believe any of it.
I think it's all fake. Yeah, I think a lot of it is definitely fake.
I mean, obviously, say that to the picture behind you. I was trying to get the most like just drawing artwork I could possibly find.
Is that supposed to be Jesus? I don't know. I don't know if that's like the underworld boss.
That might be Satan himself. Oh, okay.
And then up here is heaven? No, is this? That's earth. Oh, and that's heaven.
It's A Chorus of Angels, yeah. Well, let me tell you, this is how this whole idea came to fruition.
This whole like just stupid set. I just was like spinning out, just trying to figure out like, I just want to do like a different look while Shane's gone.
This will be fun. And I like took, I had off, I used to do like mushroom microdosing a lot and then I stopped for a while and then like I just got back at it.
And then the first day I was back on like the little mushroom microdose. I just came up with this idea and then I like ended up carrying it out.
And now I'm kind of like, this is a bad fuck. This is a terrible fuck.
What do you think is bad about it? The pictures? I like the pictures. The pictures are cool.
I just think it's just too weird. Like I don't know if it translates.
People are like, this guy's a fucking loser. I think people just like you.
It doesn't matter what you do. You think so? Like fans, when they like you, will really just follow whatever you do.
It is a crazy cult-like thing. Yeah, true.

Where you're like, hey, I'm actually going to go off the rails. You guys

should not follow me. I'm going to do something fucked up.

Please don't follow me. I can't

wait for the moment I get to betray their trust

and just fall so bad.

Just have meth and young boys. You're still going to have

a lot of people that are going to follow

you. Not if I smash the meth

and young boys button.

You still will. No way.

There will still be five to ten people who are like,

I don't know. There's a lot of people that are going to follow you.
Not if I smash the meth and young boys button. That's the one.

You still will.

No way.

There will still be five to ten people who are like, let's hear him out.

I'm not going to make any decisions until I hear what Matt has to say.

That would be cool if I had five, just five fans.

Five fans.

Diehards.

But like they'll come to everything you do and eventually you'll hate them.

I'd be living with them.

I'd be like, guys, let's get an apartment, dude. Let's be real fancy.
Yeah, it does set up. It's a, I do have like, I have misgivings with the whole thing of like, you know, like the point of show business is to achieve fame.
Sure. You need some level of success.
You have to pay your bills. Exactly.
But it's weird. It's bad.
I think it's, well's bad and i think it's well i think it's bad for i think it's not you know it's not inherently bad but i think it is it can be bad for you and it's like i just wish more people looked at it like just it's just a business it's like dude if you're making more than a regular job you did it dude right you're successful and you should just be happy with that never the case no you always just want more yeah nothing where you're like, oh, this is nice. I think you're excited for something for like a couple of days.
Yeah, Max. And then you're like, I mean, I'll still say like I'm going to quit comedy.
Like I'm still 20 years in. I can't wait.
I can't fucking wait. I'll still be like, I'm going to quit.
I tell people that all the time. I threaten my wife with it.
I'm like, I'm fucking quitting yeah i'll threaten i leverage it over the head quit what would you do i don't know i guess i could i did also somewhat social work i didn't get my master's i was a crimes victims advocate for a while whoa yeah but you get paid nothing yeah they don't pay very much at all yeah and then somebody i was like advocating for stole my wallet and then i became a victim of crime. What? And you're like, I don't even want to help all.
Yeah, and then somebody I was, like, advocating for stole my wallet, and then I became a victim of crime.

What?

And you're like, I don't even want to help people.

Yeah, I'd be sick of that as a comedian origin story,

but then I came up with a comedian.

I think I did my first open mic when I was there,

and then that guy stole my wallet, and I quit.

You're like, fuck this.

It is kind of miserable work, man.

I knew someone who worked with homeless people,

and I was like, how's that work?

And I just, like, meet them. I meet them on, like, street corners, and just...
I was like, how's that work? I just meet them. I meet them on street corners.
I was genuinely curious. How do you set appointments with them? You meet them.
But then what do you do for them? I think you just try to hype them up. You're like, bro, you got this.
You're living on the street. You got this, dude.
Hey, man, summer's coming. Just stick with it.
I think you hype them up on like one day you can rent a room run by like an absolutely just disgusting slumlord. Right.
With no electricity. Dude, I used to find housing for inmates and like some of those rooms are like, the rooming houses are like...
Worse than probably a prison. Dude, terrible.
Like it was for real. I went into one specifically and I called the landlord i'm like dude you're a piece of shit and he was like they're they're fucking ruin everything anyway but it was they're both right you're both right it is a piece of shit and they're also probably gonna ruin everything that is true that is true but i was like dude just fucking paint the place man this is terrible what did it look like what did it have first of all i can't deal with like bugs if it has roaches and shit i'm out i've seen places this place did not have any bugs to his credit i didn't see the bugs uh there were broke there well there was a missing window one of the window just there was just a it wasn't a window it was a hole in the wall um that was fucking jarring the true fresh air benjamin franklin breathing fresh air benjamin franklin breathing fresh air every day in his window he died from an abscess in the lungs so oh.
Wow. Yeah, what loves you kills you.
But yeah, I walked into this entranceway, and it was a tile floor that had been chipped up, but just never finished. It was just the floor had been chipped up, and there were extension cords just everywhere because I don't know what was going on with the electricity.
But the most like jar, and it was just like the one bathroom had like, they like just jammed, the toilet was just filled with like wood scraps. But then there was another bathroom, thank God.
But like the most jarring thing I saw was like a old, it was like an 80 something year old man just laying in a sleeping bag on the floor in his like room. Just kind of just like, kind of like not whimpering, but just he wasn't resting.
He was like moving around a lot. And I just like looked in his room and was like, Jesus fucking Christ.
And I was with a guy to like show him the place. And I was there to like see the guy was like, you need to see this shit.
This is fucked up. And I was like, this is certainly fucked up.
I was like, how much money do you make a month? He's like $400 a month from social security. I'm like, you're going to keep living here, dude.
Or go back on the street. There's a lady that's going to hype you up.

Yeah, you're going to get a lady that'll hype you.

This is so much better than that place.

Dude, you're free now, man.

Yeah, you can do whatever you want.

I mean, $400 a month is not a lot of money.

Yeah, it's not at all.

I think the rooms went up to like $600. They started becoming like $600 a month.

So that was like a big deal.

Those rooms were like $600.

Sorry, my shit's all fucked up. Definitely doing lapel mics.
I'm such a fucking idiot. My stupid ideas.
I believe in it. Thank you.
You're the only one who does believe in it, man. I don't mind it.
It's not that bad now. Once you get dialed in.
Yeah, dude. I appreciate that.
I'd actually like to go on stage like this. I would fucking love it, man.
A lot of TikTok comedians rock the fucking... Titus did it.
He's not a TikTok comedian, but Titus had the fucking thing. I would love to be TikTok famous and not even have to do stand-up.
So sick. And just be in my house, behind a green screen, and just doing whatever dumb shit I do.
Yeah, just do rants. It's so much better.
Just build another thing. Yeah, just build another thing.
Yeah, that's... Then you get...
Those guys tour and they sell out everything. What do they do when they oh my bad i forgot to tell you i forgot to tell you you got to clip this to yourself i'm so sorry dude he's pulled your hair i was like oh this is great until it's not i guess this has to be that's my's my bad.
I will fully accept responsibility for that.

Listen, it's my fault.

Please clip that.

Don't forget to clip it.

I'm going to clip it.

I'm going to get lobs.

This is bullshit, dude.

It's not that bad.

I don't know what I did.

I should have told you to clip that thing.

Just clip it on.

You can put it on this thing.

Depends how much range of movement you want.

I don't know.

I'll just leave it right here.

All right.

Now I know about it. Now you know where it is.
That thing fucking rips, though. When it falls, it's falling on me.
It rips. It's heavy.
I think it's like six pounds. Everything's going to shit so quickly.
Nordstrom brings you the season's most wanted brands. Skims, Mango, Free People, and Princess Polly.
All under $100. From trending sneakers to like, by the way, we're going to stand at podiums.
People really were like, what the fuck? People get pissed when I tell them. And you were like, so gracious.
I've done podcasts in my car. That's when you said that.
I said, all right, we got a real one on the line, dude. Thank God.
That's awesome. Why don't they like the standing up part? I don't know.
I think there's a standing up aspect. There's the potential of looking somewhat foolish that I think people some people don't like to do i mean i look foolish every night when i do stand up how much worse could it be you got i think you have to move you have to move it back yeah sorry just your technology sorry i i need a person so so you've been doing stand-up for 20 years isn't it fucked up you have to do it for so long for it to like, maybe fucking start to work out.
I mean, it's only started to kind of work out because other comics have helped me. Like, it's really taken a village.
Yeah. Well, that's kind of, look, bro, you're preaching to the fucking choir.
No, I know, but I'm still nowhere. Like, I have like 36,000 followers, I think.
It's still really sad. You got that Netflix special.
Yeah, I think I've got like 4,000 followers from it. There you go.
Rogan, you got the Rogan bump. Yeah, but you know what's funny on the Rogan thing? I was looking at the comments and everyone was like, oh, it was just men for three weeks.
What a great run. Everyone was bummed that I was there.
Yeah, that can happen. You're the third female comic, third female guest we ever had.
First one was a... So all your fans are going to also hate me? No, I think they'll love you.
I think they'll love they'll love you i think it's time it's time look it's fine i just don't want to know the comments it's like yeah don't read the comments but i will say fucking woman no i think they'll be chill dude who are your other com who else have you had on that's a woman so we're in philadelphia during like 2016 the philadelphia comedy scene got divided and everyone was fighting. Fighting about what? Fucking like Trump, all that bullshit.
Oh, okay. You know, whatever.
All the stuff associated with like the social justice warrior movement. And I remember at a time, I think this was my idea.
I'm almost positive it was. And I was like, Shane, let's get this one comedian we know.
She's like a super feminist. We'll fucking argue and we'll own her with logic.
And we, like, I just became. I love this already.
I know. So, that's our first female guest.
And I just kind of, like, clammed up. And I was like, I don't want to be mean to this lady.
So, we just had, like, a terrible podcast where we, like, half argued. And it was just bad.
The whole thing was bad. First female guest.
People were furious. People find.
It's like an old, old episode that, like, we, like, burned our back catalog because it was just too but it was terrible it was like really problematic but the uh that's what i want to see the most now it's still floating around and people will find that old episode like this fucking sucks oh yeah i don't i don't want to hear it i'll never come back but i don't want people to be no no people are not gonna i'd rather they're just not upset that you guys have that's bullshit i that you guys have a whooping on. I think that's bullshit.
Our second guest was a woman who made money by pretending she was a dog for a sexual thing. Puppy girl Jenna.
I'm in good company. I gotta be honest.
I'm in good company. I was so excited to tell you that.
it did that do? It was interesting. She like walked into our house.
It was my brother's house we were recording at. And as she stepped up, she had like, not a handler.
Her boyfriend was there, but he was still like. That is her handler.
He technically was. She had like a leash and everything.
She didn't come in as as a dog she walked in and like somehow her boobs just fell out of her shirt of course they just fell out they came out of like the top she was a very obviously she was scantily clad yeah and uh it just they just spilled out upon entering we're like what the fuck and then uh yeah we just asked her about did she stay on the floor the whole time no she sat up she's a. She was a good girl.
No, she sat in the chair and talked normal. Okay.
But she had her stuff with her and was explaining how... She's like an OnlyFans where they did puppy play.
And that was like she made fucking millions of dollars, dude. Just like licking water out of a bowl.
That's not that bad. I could do that.
Yeah. What else do you have to do? Her boyfriend was kind of a little weird.
I don't know. He was obviously having like dog sex with her, I guess.
But so you have to have dog sex with like a fucking weird guy with a shaved head. I don't know.
I feel like she probably made enough money to leave him. Now she chills.
Yeah. Now she like she made enough where she just kind of like just, you know, it's like when you start a subscription based thing, you can just after a while.
You can just stop. Yeah.
People are like, I'm not going to go with my credit card and change this. Right, and how many times can you just walk around a room, like whatever dogs do? Exactly.
Yeah, just do a little circle on your bed and go lay down. But I think she just kind of, from what I've heard, she just kind of chills now.
I don't know if she got into hardcore content. So that's kind of, I didn't look.
I didn't want to cross. I wonder what the jump is from being a dog to hardcore sex.
I think it's pretty quick. I think it's like...
Pretty quick, right? Especially if you start seeing... Do you stop at some point acting like a dog and you're like, I'm back? I'm just me.
True, I'm just me. It's like the liver...
Are you familiar with the Liver King? No. Liver King is a...
He was an influencer who just ate organ meat and he's like very primal okay and he's got yoked he was huge and then it all came he was lying about being on steroids he was just on steroids and he was eating liver to be fair and he has the liver king and there's a liver queen is his wife then he has the liver boys there's two sons none of them eat like cupcakes or anything no and they don't even like they they don't have like technology in the house. It's like supposed to be like this weird kind of like trad life porn where you could watch this guy just like chopping firewood.
Can you just be a fucking, can you just be a mailman? Like what are we doing here? Why are we living like this? Like it's crazy. Why are we doing this? He wishes he was a mailman because the fame tore him apart.
He became the liver king and then he admitted to being on steroids. Eventually, that was liver king 2.0.
And now I think he's liver king 3.0. And he's just apparently just falling apart before everyone.
Like he's like losing his mind on a YouTube channel. I know.
At some point, we're like, hey, we're going to stop filming this. I don't know.
He'll never stop. It's him.
He's filming himself. So no one's going to stop filming.
I know, but he should stop stop filming like once your family's life is ruined or whatever the fuck is happening yeah when you're crying every day you're gonna be like i'm i think we're done here i think the show's over i'm fully depressed what are the liver boys gonna do i don't know go get a fucking job i don't understand why do people why do people care if they're just eating liver. I don't know.
Why is that a thing? Well, because he got so jacked. He was just doing steroids.
Once that comes out, it's like the show's a sham. That's what happened.
But now, liver cancer is a trinity. I got to watch this guy now.
You do. It's pretty funny.
And it's like you got to start early. And that is kind of fun, though.
There was something like in a voyeuristic sense to watch somebody slowly lose them. I did that with another channel.
There's a channel called Psych Substance. And the guy was like, he would just like do massive amounts of mushrooms or LSD and like film himself doing it.
Or like he would film the setup and then like talk about this is what happened. But then he set up this business model where like in order to get money, he had to like smoke DMT while on acid.
And like just not, you know, it know it's not sustainable i'm sure and he fucking started kind of losing his mind like he like went nuts he got addicted to kratom his wife left him it was like what is kratom exactly i know it's like a dust just explain this the uh i'm sorry no no no no it's redundant i don't not at all no i'm excited because it's like damn the topic is it like suboxone where like you take it to get off something else so dude, dude, it's like it's just a plant, but then it has opioid properties. Okay.
So, yes, you can use it as like a transfer to like help ease withdrawal symptoms. And then some people take it as like in small doses, it's energy.
It can give you like an energy boost, but it will create a physical addiction like an opiate will eventually. So you will become addicted to it.
Yeah. So my biological father was addicted to, I guess, is it meth? What do you take to get off heroin? Not meth.
Well, you can't use some people. I've heard of people taking meth.
But what is the thing that they give you? Methadone. Right.
But I don't think he ever did heroin. I think he was just addicted to methadone.
That happens. People who go to the methadone clinic to the methadone clinic keep their methadone a lot of times if it's a liquid they'll put it in their mouth and spit it back out and then sell the methadone liquid because you'll get high as fuck if you and i were to party down on some methadone we would get rocked and then you spit it out and sell it yeah that's crazy your body doesn't like take any of it in well you're a heroin addict doesn't matter if you take a little methadone in your system it's you know you know, you're just going to get more done that day, I guess.
Wait, you put it in your nose and then spit it out? Mouth. They used to give it, now they give some people little pills too.
I know people would have methadone pills and you get sent home, you could sell those, but for a while, it was a liquid. They'd watch you put it in your mouth.
You'd have to just like walk out and spit it back in a little vial. Now you can sell some methadone.
Crafty people. They are very crafty.
They also figured out not to. I'm sorry to hear you got addicted to methadone.
I mean, he wasn't in my life. I wish he was actually on heroin and died.
True. Fair enough.
Is he dead? He's not dead. What's he up to? He's got like five kids.
He lives upstate somewhere in New York. I met him.
And then he was like, you look just like your mom. And I was like, okay.
He's like, yeah, your mom's beautiful. I was like, this is weird.
Yeah, why are you trying to riz me up, dude? Yeah, it's weird. But I remember like.
I'm sorry to cut you off. Can you move this back a little bit? You're okay.
Back this way? Away from here a little bit. Like that.
Perfect. Okay.
I'm just not going to move. I think I just...
No, you're good. This is my problem.
It's not. You're not doing anything wrong.
It was okay, and then I moved this thing. No, I literally told you to move it closer, and I'm like, fuck it, then you got to move back, but go on.
It's not a big deal. So anyway, I met him one time.
It was nice. He was actually pretty emotionally open.
I was like, oh, I wonder what my life would have been like if I was raised by him and not my dad. And then he left and I guess I was like, I wanted to meet the kids or just like see him.
I didn't want him to be my dad because he didn't raise me. And then his wife wrote me like an eight page letter to stay away from her family.
Whoa. Yeah, it was very creepy.
She's probably talking about how beautiful you are. I don't know.
It's just it's just well, he so he married her. She had two kids from a previous marriage and that girl who's like 50 now is jealous of me my whole life.
Cause I'm biologically his daughter. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
50. Yeah.
Let it go. So his wife was like, leave my Joey alone.
I was very like Amy Jo Buttafuoco. So weird.
She wrote me this letter. She was like, you know, you're an attractive woman.
Why don't you get a boyfriend? It's like, I don't want to fuck your husband. Yeah, what the fuck? But I bet I could.
You think you could take him down? I think I could wear him down. I'll fucking show you.
Don't make me if I put my head in done anything, I could do it. So don't make me do it.
I'll ruin your whole fucking family. Then as your stepmom, she would ground you for fucking your dad.
I've never even met her.

Really?

I never met her.

So she just sent you a fucking.

She just sent me like a seven page, seven or eight page letter handwritten.

So you only know her through like.

I only know her through that and pictures on like social media.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's fucked, man.

And the second time I met him, he was like so nervous.

He was like, like he was cheating on his wife.

He's like, I hope she doesn't change the locks.

Nobody knows I'm here. I'm like, dude, I don't need to like hang out with you what a freaky family it's so weird yeah that's crazy it's very crazy so and i haven't talked to him no contact after that no after so you respected the letter or you're just like i don't want anything i mean i think i said something to him that was probably like not that nice but i was like i don't i don't need to be in these people's lives for sure yeah especially if it's like that's the dynamic it's like I'm good you're 50 and you're jealous of me it's like it's like leaving my show you're giving me so much power your whole life yeah what a crazy person yeah that is crazy although you can't antagonize I will say you know with strange families one thing you can't antagonize the commenters they will come they will come for you can't antagonize.
I will say, you know, with strange families, one thing, you can't antagonize the commentors. They will come.
They will come for you. If you antagonize them, they will absolutely.
Come. I don't care.
Oh, I fear them, dude. I'm so scared of them.
Why? I don't know, dude. I just like.
What do you think they're going to do? Like ruin Christmas? They could. Who cares? I could be on my phone all day.
Like, shut up, kids. I'm reading my comments.
Just turn them all off you don't need them anymore that's true you've created your own family you know what I'm so scared of it's like I'm not genuinely afraid of it I'm kind of more let's see how do I say I'm still like in shock of that whole thing that happened with Brennan Schaub. What exactly? Dude, it was a fucking they formed a Reddit of like 97,000 people.
Literally, it was 97,000 people strong who dedicated hours of their life to just like, and you don't have to read it, of course, but it's like knowing that's out there just every day. But I feel like he bought that on himself.
You think your family is going to do that? No, no, my family. Dude, if my family started a diss subreddit on me, dude, that would be it.
I'd be like, fuck you guys, dude. I'd be sending seven page letters to every single one of them.
That's what I thought you were scared of. I thought you were scared of your family doing it.
No, no, no, no, no. I mean, I am scared of my daughters growing up and eventually hating me, but that's a whole, that's a different thing.
They'll hate you regardless. You think so? And then they'll love you.
It's like that weird dynamic where like, it's just chaotic for a bit and then you love your family. I know.
I kind of was like that too gonna really hate you it's just gonna be like teenage angst i think yeah like get the fuck away dad also like just have them like you more than your wife so then like she's the person i got that on lock yeah i got that fucking on lock i can i'm already ready i'm so ready to turn them all against each other that's amazing i'm gonna leave first all of us, we never three can get along. It's always two against one.
Is it really? Yeah. Damn.
So you were forged in the flames. I mean, that's how I grew up.
We're all just chaotic and arguing and not great. Yeah.
This is what it is. My sister doesn't even know I have a special out and when she sees it, she's going to be mad.
You think so? Yeah, I'm talking about her. Oh, really? And personal stuff that she definitely would not want out there.
I don't even know if I should say this, but like whatever. She's not going to be thrilled.
She won't be happy with it. No.
None of it's a lie. Everyone's like, when you say that, though, that's bad.
Yeah, that is bad. That's what you should be like.
None of it's a lie, though. I'm making it all up.
It's not a lie. Really? It's all real.
I mean, look, people move on, she'll she'll heal i'm sure from it we're not really that close anyway i'm okay with it so she's just you're you're gonna get a damn so you're gearing up for a fucking nasty message i'll just block her there you go like my biological father i'll just block everyone yeah that's nice that's the best when you just block someone they have no idea that is nice. That's the best.
When you just block someone, they have no idea. That is nice.
Yeah, you can also mute. Block is a...
You're giving people satisfaction. If you block them, they go...
But they don't know because they have regular... My sister has not a...
She doesn't have an iPhone, so she won't know. Oh, you're talking about on the car.
I thought you meant social media. Oh, social media.
You could restrict. Restrict is great.
Yeah, because then people don't know. They don't know.
If you block, they go, this pussy fucking blocked fucking blocked me i'm too much i'll block guys that i just don't want to hear from because i'm like i just want to be over this you know but like yeah those people i'll just let you say whatever you want to the ether i'll just restrict you it's kind of dastardly though to like send somebody just still just chirping into just nothing no idea i know it's kind of cowardly i should yeah no no let him do it anything i i do uh yeah i really don't care The commenting stuff, I don't care. I have no idea.
I know. It's kind of cowardly.
I should, yeah. No, no.
Let him do it. Who cares? I do, yeah, I really don't care.
The commenting stuff, I don't care. I have caught myself.
It's been a bit of a process, but like I would have like my kids in the bath, which you should be paying attention to. Yeah.
And I'd be like, let me just check my email real quick. I got an eye on them.
And then I'm like, I started going into comment stuff and I'd like catch myself, like my heart rate racing and like. Oh, yeah.
And I'd literally see my kids would just be like looking at me from the tub like the fuck are you doing? Like where are you? That's gotten a bad comment. We better swim out here otherwise we're drowning.
Someone told dad he ruins the podcast. I was like fuck.
Yeah for real. And that was like a wake up call for me to be like oh this is real life.
This is like a thing. Right.
It exists only on the Internet. Yeah.
That was a big that was a big. Yeah.
But you have to get used to it. I remember like in the old days, even on like Facebook, I would get like write a whole thing out and I'm like, do I want to waste the whole day doing this? And then, dude, that was the I'll just erase it.
I'm like, it's not worth it. No, because then you think about it all day and then you check the comment to see like how many likes did it get it? Was this the one that me to the top and it never is and you go fuck no do you still use facebook i do sometimes it's mostly like friends on there i think yeah um so yeah it's not like for fans i guess for sure yeah mostly instagram not professional i someone was like telling me to use facebook professionally and i was like i haven't i have a facebook account obviously i haven't deleted one a long time ago then i like revamped it it's just two points 2.0 that's my 2.0 phase and uh they say to use that for there's people like you'd be surprised some markets are better in facebook for shows and i was like i mean i know people do like facebook posts for to sell tickets they do ads and that works so i think that's something that that makes sense i don't know if it's good to use it for like managers and stuff i thought he was saying for my personal account like yo guys no i think it's if you have like a business account like for your fans i think you can there you go put ads on there and that's i think helpful i didn't know people still used it man they do my friend uses she says she gets a lot off of it i think it depends where your fans are i don't i don't know anything about that because i i used, I was off it for a while.

When I came back, it felt like weird.

I was like, because I used to be on it every day,

like living and dying by like, this is such a great status.

And I'd write it and be like, this is the one that people are going to be like,

holy shit, this guy's on another level.

And it's just like 12 likes.

One guy from high school being like, shut up, pussy.

And you're like, fuck.

But I like, when I got off it for a while,

I came back to see everyone

still like doing that as part of their day and it was kind of like unsettling i was like damn dude you guys are still here they're like leaving a hometown like leaving an old town and going back like damn like the guy that you liked used to work at the movie theater still works at the movie it's kind of that same idea that's how it felt when i came back i was like damn you need to move from where you live because i've had that i live in the same area my whole life like, you'll see a guy you had a crush on when he was, like, 18 or 22. And now he's, like, falling off.
It's become sad. It is sad.
It is. My wife always made fun of me because I would never leave the Philadelphia area.
And, like, we came here. And she's like, I'm so proud of you for leaving me.
How did you guys meet? Because she's from Chicago, right? Was she there? No, she was in Philly for school. Okay.
And we met met on Tinder and I was recently divorced. Oh, I didn't know you were married before her.
Oh, yeah. I got married.
I don't know why I said oh yeah. It's kind of weird.
But like, oh yeah. I was also in disbelief.
So it makes sense where you'd be like, oh yeah. Oh yeah.
I was definitely divorced. I had someone reach out between, did a show before this, and a guy hit me up like, yo, I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce, but I was talking about it on a podcast.
I'm like, dude, that's from like... Oh, did he think it was a recent one? Yeah, I was like, dude, that's from like 12 years ago.
But yeah, thank you for your... Oh, wow.
Did you have kids with that? No. No, no, no.
That's good. It was, yeah, chill.
It was a very chill divorce. Chill divorce seems like the best.
It wasn't that chill, honestly. It wasn't that chill.
I mean, it wasn't that chill. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. It was not chill.
It was a big wake-up call for me, man. That was a big, like, you know, moment I realized other people weren't, like, two-dimensional characters for my personal enjoyment in the world.
Right. Yeah.
So it was mostly your fault. I would say, like, yeah, about, say 97%.
I mean, at least you could say that now. I think some people never take accountability, which is hard.
It was a big, I was a big, you know, I was like barely a sentient creature before like 30 something. So that was like a very painful process of being like, oh, this is all real thing.
This is not. That's like an accomplishment to actually grow up and like accountability and like work on yourself i don't think people realize how hard that is it's the worst thing in the world it's terrible sucks being like i i do it with my wife all the time where we'll be arguing about something and i'll say a thing and in my head i'm like that's not really true and i'll be like but also you're like that was a great line that was a good line and i'm i've just gained upper i've just gained an upper hand in this so let me just win this argument and then i'll work on like being truthful and honest but i was like it is it is it sucks when you have to be like like she recently told me something i did that bothered her and i was so dug in like fucking bullshit i was right and she explained it in a way where i was like at least you could hear that though yeah it hurts though it's good because i had to be like it hurts to hurt someone that you care about yeah or just realize you.
That's kind of what I'm talking about. Right.
To realize you weren't right and be like, yeah, I didn't have the moral upper hand that I thought I did. And I actually was being a gigantic piece of shit.
And you're like, fuck. I thought I was right about that.
Sometimes you lose, you know? True. I remember going to therapy and telling my therapist I had this great line I was going to say to my ex-boyfriend at the time.
And I was like, I'm waiting until it's over, over to say this. Yeah.
What was the line? The line was, I shouldn't have to stay because everyone else left, which I think is a great fucking fuck you. That's a good line.
Especially saying that and then leaving, basically. Right.
And he was like, that's not like great that you have that planned. I was like, no, but it's like such a good fuck you.
It pretty much is, yeah. But I was like, I just held on to that.
I thought I was so proud of it. It is good.
It's almost like pretty cinematic, honestly. I know.
It's like, then the curtains close, the credits come off. But he was like, yeah, you shouldn't be aiming to do that.
Aiming to hurt people. Yeah.
Cut them. Yeah.
Find their like childhood traumas and just cut them down with it. God, yeah.
Everyone I date is so awful. They're just like, yeah, it's just's just like you know everyone who's emotionally closed off and alcoholic ptsd there's some type of like first responder they're fucking veterans it's just like so when did you start putting it putting together like your pattern of like this is the person i'm attracting to attract getting attracted i think i've just seen that what i'm doing and i'm like oh this is actually like a pattern.
Yeah. And then you know I'll date guys who are like going to kill themselves.
They never kill themselves. I just stay in it longer.
So I think I'm just going to be single. Yeah.
I'm picking the worst people. Yeah that's yeah the suicide threats can be tough.
And it's like what they all do. Yeah.
Or what the guys I'm attracting do and then they never do it. Romantic types.
The romantic types. Very romantic.
They're like I'm going to fucking kill myself. I'm like like well let me see what you're doing one time my ex-boyfriend had said that and I went home and like he wasn't even really trying he had like roach killer that thing that's like a syringe and it was just on the bed it wasn't even like used at all he's gonna harm his reproductive capacities I know but it was like such a thing where I was like I had to cancel shows to come here here.
Yeah, this is bullshit. This is very serious.
Yeah, yeah. You didn't try even a little bit.
Yeah, that's embarrassing actually. Yeah.
He's like, alright, well fucking hell, I'm gonna do it. But he still, yeah, he still didn't do it.
That's such a wild move, man, to just be like... I'm gonna kill myself? Yeah, I mean, it's effective.
It's a good tactic. It's effective, yeah.
It's a good tactic. So it's like, you gotta live with this.
All you had to do was one afternoon, and I'd still be here. But you do get to the point where you're like, fucking do it.
At some point, I don't care. You're like, okay, do it.
I can't deal with this anymore. There was that lady who almost went to jail for coaching the kid into killing himself.
That's different. I wouldn't do that.
You wouldn't coach. I wouldn't coach.
I would sit by the sidelines and just Yeah. Suicide.
They never kill themselves. They never do.
If you're in a relationship like that, just leave. They're not going to kill themselves.
They're not going to do it. And if they do, they really want to do it.
You should be happy for them. True.
And then you can go like, guy was actually a winner. I thought he was just a fucking pretender the whole time.
The guy was the real deal. And I actually got him to do what he wanted to do.
So I am partly like a hero. I would say.
Yeah. I'm doing the Lord's work.
Yeah. Suicide is one of those things.
It's like, I think it's still going up right now. Is it? I mean, I would assume that.
I feel like everything in this country is like just harder. People can't pay for shit.
You know what I mean? It's just like suicide to me is always like the first thing I go to when I want to add to something. Yeah.
Like even a job. I'd be like, I'm going to kill myself.
So I don't have to go to this job. Yeah.
I'm too curious. I sometimes do get overwhelmed by life where I'm like, it's just so much.
And I'm like, you know, I get the thought of thinking I'm going to kill myself. But it's a fun little, like it would just be nice to even not kill yourself.
But it's like if you could put yourself into a coma for a little bit. Just like a week.
Like say like six six six months let me let me just have some restart time yeah true true that's like it is nice you should be able to do that that would be nice to go into a medical coma and have like a doctor restrict your calories use like you know the uh you could lose weight save money on your rent like it could be great exactly yeah you're saying like your medical insurance basically covers your rent for a year you're saving up money you don't even need rent

people are still you're not gonna even be there move your shit into a fucking storage unit patreon

there's still some dumbasses that left their credit card on there you come out you got like

10 g's in the bank it's funny because i do i do that as a joke and people are just like horrified

i'm like but you never just thought of going into a coma for a little bit like maybe not six months

but like a month like the pandemic was nice for a little bit for sure a couple months you just

Thank you. I'm like, but you never just thought of going into a coma for a little bit, like maybe not six months, but like a month.
Like the pandemic was nice for a little bit. For sure.
A couple of months. You just, you're not going, you're not like fighting traffic every day.
You know what I mean? You're just not going to a job you hate. Especially if you could still dream.
That would be nice. If you could like somehow have them like, you know, do whatever.
I don't even want to dream. You don't want to go deep? I don't because who knows what I'm going to dream of.
You're not going to enjoy it. That's true.
I just want to time out. Yeah.
I want no dreams. I just keep me alive and nothing.
And like, you know, I guess you have to have people work your limbs so they don't. Yeah, that's true.
Or like turn you over or whatever. You'd have to put you on like a rotisserie machine and just kind of like rotate your body.
I love that. Yeah, it'd be kind of nice.
Yeah, I don't know. But the problem is it would go by like that.
It'd be like when you get surgery.

They would put you out and you'd just go,

you'd come up right away.

That's why you need the dreamscape.

You do need the dreams, okay.

Or they have them wake you up out of it.

You're convincing me.

Wake you up.

The dreams would be nice or wake you up out of it.

Every two days, you'd be like,

you just did two days.

Sweet, what happened?

Just keep putting you back out.

They'd give you a quick rundown.

Like, dude, Trump just elected three guys.

Just go, okay, cool.

And they'd put you back out. And they'd put you back out.
And then depending on what they tell you, you decide how long you want to be out for. That's not a bad point.
You're like, your ex-boyfriend is remarried. I'll go out for six months.
I'll go out for six months. So what's the single phase going to be like? I don't know.
I'm not sure. I think I might.
I always say I'm going to just be single and I always end up dating sometimes. Panic and you get lonely.
Yeah. Or it's just so easy.
People like from your past just keep coming back because they're so shitty that no one wants them. So they're just a Rolodex of garbage constantly.
They're just coming back nonstop. That was my pattern.
Well, not that specifically, but I'd be in a relationship and like, and I do think like when you live with a woman specifically, like they do make you better. Like you're like, you're, you're kind of more organized, you're dressing better.
So then I get to that point. I'm like, dude, if I was single, I'd get so much pussy.
Right. Because I'm a better version of myself.
I'm a better version of myself. And then I would get out of the relationship and then just devolve and be like, oh, and I always remember like, oh yeah, I'm like an anxious loser.
And then I would like just become, I'd be like, I become I'm gonna work on myself and whatever and I would just like slowly panic because I was so lonely and just slam the button again and just get right back into the thing what you gotta do is be in a relationship while you're getting better and then also cheat that's how you get the best of both worlds I'm not a fan of cheating you're absolutely right yeah it's like I know. If you could cheat and get through it, it's like it kind of could make you better.

Are you saying get away with it and then like recommit and double down?

Have them find out.

See how you guys can work through it.

Like nobody really works through anything anymore.

Yeah, I know.

Back in the day, there was like a genocide or a potato famine.

Like that's hard and you guys got to work through it.

And it's like, can you and your wife work through her sleeping with a dude? No, I think the other way around is way more tolerable. Honestly, I mean, you guys, you would never made it through the potato famine.
I got to be honest with that attitude. You're going to, your whole family's going to starve.
Well, I wonder about that because I'm always kind of like, would you prefer an emotional cheating or a physical cheating? Emotional. Really? But that's so much more intricate.

You spend so much more time talking to somebody and getting to know them.

There's like feelings.

That's what girls do with all their friends.

So it's like, yeah, I'm not going to be like, that's bullshit.

But you're not jealous of her friends.

You're jealous of this guy that she just fucks.

If she thought another guy was funny, I would be pissed about that.

So even if she doesn't have sex with him, she just thinks he's hilarious.

She's like sneakily watching Brendan Chubb videos.

And he's going to take her down.

I would be, no, sex would bother me the most.

Yeah, that's what I was.

For sure.

Sex would bother me the most, but if she was like confiding in somebody and telling them

like secrets and shit.

Stuff about me.

I'd be furious.

I hate the way he fucks me.

And I also think Brendan Chubb's funnier than him.

That would be so brutal.

That would be tough.

But there is also part of me that wants to discover

like a huge cache of just like dastardly texts

where it's like, hey, fuck, I fake it every time.

I can't wait and just read it.

Just to make yourself feel bad.

Yeah, and just be like, motherfucker. There's

part of me that would like to stumble upon that.

There's something to hurting your own feelings.

Exactly. That's why you read the comments.

I go on Reddit. I googled myself

on Reddit and I was like,

that was not great.

And it never stops. It doesn't matter.

It never stops. It's always like,

this person sucks. I got

five minutes into their special and you're like, you didn't even get to any of the good stuff. Dude, first five minutes of just settling in.
I was pretty, I was kind of like, I had like, I got to be kind of detached a little bit. Because like, you know, like Shane was doing more of the standup.
He was really in the spotlight. And in my head, I was like, I'm just like kind of like a cool guy.
I don't even care about this stuff. And then I put out a special on YouTube.
And the comments on podcasts, I was like, whatever. When it was my special, I would read the negative comments and I was like breathing heavy.
I was like, oh, that really fucked me up. That's the thing too.
It's like, I know I'm not going to be for everybody. So it's like, that is part of it.
For sure. But I'm talking today.
It was YouTube. One person was like, she was ugly with her other hair color and then she dyed it again.
Now she's

even uglier.

That actually just

made me laugh because I'm like, it's actually the same

color. That's really funny.

Yeah, you're even uglier.

That's fucked up. It's also fucked up when someone

like studies you for six months and then

slams you. It's like, dude, you've done way too, this was

too much research. Right.
They've spent a lot of time

though. Yeah, you know, that is really funny.
It is. Every now and again, you will get one that's so oddly specific, you laugh.
You're just kind of like, what the fuck? That just makes you laugh. Some of it is just like...
I remember when somebody said something mean to Sarah Silverman, and she replied something like, I could tell you're just hurting. And then she talked to this guy, and then he was just hurting, and she paid for him to get therapy.
I mean, I'm not going to do that. I want you to be very unhealthy.
Yeah. But like she did that.
It's like most of these people are just hurt themselves. Damn.
And then they had sex maybe? I don't know. Maybe.
I have no idea what they're thinking. I was like maybe someone died in their family.
I don't know. That happens.
I've tried to go that route, but I've done that passive aggressively. Like, yeah, you must be hurting in my head.
I'm like, fuck you. Fuck you, dude.
Go get the help you seek. This episode is brought to you by Call of Duty.
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This episode is brought to you by Max. The Emmy award-winning series Hacks returns this April.
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And don't forget to check out the official Hacks podcast on Spotify. No, I do feel that way too, genuinely.
I think responding to comments is the worst. I must not respond to any.
Don't do it. But I do genuinely, and this is like the dilemma.
This is, I would say, the the Shabian dilemma where it's like, if someone's attacking you online, he doubled down and pointed the finger back and he's like, you're actually the loser. And it's like, that's the worst fucking thing.
And it's like, it takes two to tango. If somebody says that, you have to be like, I am a loser.
I am a loser. I'm a fucking pathetic worm.
I'm thankful you acknowledge that. And you get to continue selling liquid death and, you know, making money.
And that's the job. That's the job.
You have to be like, yes, I'm a pathetic worm. More politicians should do that.
You're right. I'm a disgusting, pathetic worm.
I'm a pervert. And I just want to just continue representing you guys.
Somebody told me that somebody brought up to Trump, like somebody said this bad thing about you. And he was like, well, good luck to them.
And I'm response and also you're like good luck to them. Yeah true good luck to them.
It's like sure what else can you do? Yeah true good luck to them. It's like there's no way to really hurt you when you act like you're not hurt.
You're like yeah good luck to them. Yeah that's true then it's like do you want well yeah that's absolutely true but then the fear is like am I going to become detached from reality then one day just my my decline will be you know precipitous and i think you'll probably just shoot up a mall

so i don't i don't think you're gonna i think one day you just push everything down and then

yeah i'm going on a fucking killing spree yeah i just kill my whole family you have a whole family

though so that's i think that will keep you in check a bit i think so i don't i could really be

rogue yeah true one yeah you can really just kind of go nuts which is fun are you gonna travel

I'm going be rogue. Yeah, true.
I have no one. Yeah, you can really just kind of go nuts.
Which is fun. Are you going to travel? It is.
I actually like being alone a lot. Like, I love having a family for real.
I love. But it's great.
You have the best of both worlds. You're with your family and then you get to escape.
True. I get to go and do stand up.
And then your wife's with these kids the whole time. Yeah, I know.
And I feel guilty. Do you? Less and less.
Quick announcement for Irvine, California, or really all of SoCal. You guys know I'm SoCal as hell.
I've been SoCal. But yeah, I'll be at the Irvine Improv 1129.
That's this upcoming weekend. Well, I guess next weekend, whatever.
1129 and 1130. And I've also added a show on 1131 or 12 one.
I'm not sure how many days are in November, but you get the point. Next Friday, next Saturday, next Sunday, I'll be in Irvine, California.
And let me just say for the record, fuck LA, dude.

It's all about Irvine.

I'm sick of people from LA being like,

oh, you're going to Irvine?

I'd never go down.

Fuck you, dude, shut up.

Irvine's where all the reels are,

not a bunch of pretenders out in LA.

I'm going to be a famous actor.

No, you're fucking not.

Grow up and move to Irvine.

I'll see you there.

God bless you all. I gotta be the bigger man in the park sometimes.

Pardon the interruption.

This may or may not be Sean Gardini speaking. And this may or may not be Sean Gardini on camera.
Who is speaking and who is on camera is not important. I've come to tell you that Sean Gardini is doing stand-up comedy shows.
The upcoming shows are in Cleveland, Ohio, December 8th, Buffalo, New York, December 10th, and Baltimore, Maryland, December 11th. Please come to those shows if you can.
The tickets are at SeanGardini.com. Thank you.
Well, it's fucked up. As I try to explain this to her, I'm like, because she recently went away, and I was like, dude, this is like fucking, my God, man.
It's hard. Very hard.
But I was, my thing with her, I was like, yeah, but you're, I was just saying this to bother her, but I was like, but you're like naturally more disposed to being able to do, and she was just, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm like, this is like what you're built for. She didn't like that at all.
Being a woman or her specifically? Yeah, I said that to her just to bother, I knew I was just fucking with her, but. I mean, I could see where she gets her resentment.
Why she can't. Why she's fucking this guy that fucks her better and she laughs at Shob's jokes.
I mean, I'm on her side. I got to be honest.
You got it, but you have to pep her up. You got to like constantly, I don't know.
I do like fucking with her a lot. I'm just kidding.
I don't genuinely coming down on her, but it is fun. No, of course, you're joking.
Yeah, but it is fun to like do that and like be like, no, I'm dead serious and just kind of like get her going to tizzy. Like, Iizzy.
I'm just fucking with you. I got to talk to her and tell her.
Especially if I think it's a little bit true. Especially if I think it's a little bit true, though.
If I'm like, you know what I mean? Does she work like a full-time job? Oh, then yeah. Yeah.
That's your job. That's your job.
Taking care of these kids. My mom, I always tell her, my mom had six kids, man.
I would rather have a day job than have to take care of my kids. You think so? Yeah, I'd rather do that.

No way, dude. You can do viral Instagram

mama videos. Like, hey mamas.

That's what women started doing out of nowhere.

Calling each other mamas on the internet. Hey mamas.

Hey mama. I guess, but then you still

do that video and then after your stuff

take care of these kids. True.

That kind of sucks. Yeah.
I would have

a babysitter all the time.

Yeah. Then it's not that bad.
Yeah, if you can get a permanent babysitter, you can get an au pair for like fucking. $10.
Yeah, dude. Cheap.
Pretty cheap. Cheap.
Fucking snaker papers and just be like, bro. I remember snaker papers.
Does that mean like. Pull the green card and you're not going fucking anywhere.
Damn. I tell you, well, but you know, most people do that in sex traffic.
People are like, no, I just want you to take care of my kids and I'll give them back when you're done and then you just like fuck them and then they're also taking care of the kids, they're like this is crazy I'm doing two jobs and I'm getting paid for one you're right she's out shopping yeah she's just shopping that is kind of like a it would be nice though to get so rich that you could just become

completely, the whole family could become completely

apathetic toward each other.

You can just simultaneously

ground yourself in materialistic.

I would have loved if my family would have tried to buy

my love.

Throwing money at a situation

sounds like the nicest thing.

Yeah.

People do get resentful about that.

You just only bought me presents. Some people don't buy you shit.
people don't buy you shit, and they're not even there anyway. Yeah, true.
So now you're getting nothing. Yeah, that's true.
I don't know. I'd prefer just buy it.
Or maybe you do need love. I try to, like, I almost over-index.
I, like, bother my little kids. They're two and four.
I'm like, I love you guys. They're just like, shut up.

They don't even know what you're talking about.

Do they speak yet?

Yeah, they talk.

And the two-year-old talks too.

Oh, wow.

I didn't realize that they talk that young.

Yeah.

Do you have kids?

Three kids with the same lady?

Yeah.

How old are they?

12 to 80.

Wow, that's a big gap to start over.

Yeah, that does. Is that like a mistake okay three three mistakes each time you were like fuck yeah oh yeah i'm due i'm due for a mistake although my uh i've been pretty good about not like no you know i would figure i was like i've always banked on having one child by mistake but both the two were like intentional planned yeah so you still have another mistake baby come in that's right that's kind of what i'm kind of saying for you you do i i think you i think you're excited for it i am yeah i always uh i want your wife to get the boy that's she wants the boy she wants the boy and then she could love the boy you the girls.
And that's how you start your fucking army. That's how we start the fight, the battle.

Yeah, but the girls, they'd be older than

the boy and I would just train to

just use like relational aggression.

Yeah, but he's going to be stronger than them at some

point. Eventually, yeah.
But

we'll put him in dresses and shit.

We'll queer him up a little bit.

And then your wife's going to make the girls just

dress like boys. You're really going to fuck these kids up just for your own personal gain.
I kind of love it. I should.
It is a real... Sorry, my nose is...
It's a serious concern, man. Your kids being trans? Not that.
They would only probably be trans for a little bit. It's kind of like a phase for most people, I think.
I think so. I do worry.
I don't worry that much about that, but that would kind of blow. If one of my daughters had a full-on, basically a better mustache than me, I'd be kind of like...
I wouldn't like... I just...
It's one of those things where I'm not like, you know, ideologically... I would say maybe don't do the drugs and stuff until they're like sure sure.
Yes. Well then it's like

try it on for a bit. Well just dress like

a boy and stuff. I think all girls dress

like boys now though. It's kind of normal.
I dress

like a boy for most of my childhood but like

I just think it's like okay then like

let's see what else you want to do. Yeah.

Don't take the drugs. Don't take the testosterone.

Don't take the testosterone until you're sure

you want like a dick. Yeah.

Have you seen the dicks by the way? I've looked them up. It's not like great.
Just wear a strap on. It's like for your own.
I've heard stories where people are like, so you still get that urge to come, but you can't now. I think that was a girl going to a boy or a boy going to a girl.
I'm not sure which one it was, but they're like, you still get that urge and now you can't even come. Fuck.
I didn't even think about that. Yeah.
So if you're a girl who became a guy, all the test is like telling your body, like, we got to come now, but there's not the means. I guess so.
I don't know. I think it's like a little pump.
You have like one of your balls is a pump that you kind of pump it up. Maybe that's who my wife's cheating on me with.
The pump guy? The pump trans? Illyformed pump trans. Do you think your wife's cheating on you? No, I don't.
There's a thing you'll never know. As a guy, women are...
Guys, I think, get caught way easier, and women could just... They could get away with it forever.
There's no way. Especially you're on the road a lot.
You could both be cheating. It takes a lot of trust from both of you.
True. I can say it with a straight face.
It's like I don't cheat. I don't think you do, and I do love that about you.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
I think you do love your wife. I do.
I do love that, and I would hate to have to ruin that for you guys. Yeah.
It better be good. I will be.
What else if you start cheating on your wife? I'd be like, tell me all about this, girl. I'd be like, I'm on your side, actually.
I'll switch sides very easily. I have very little allegiance.
Well, it is one of those things where it's like, it's understandable. I always judged.
I would hear about that. I'm like, what a fucking moron.
You have family. Why would you? And then as you get older, you're like, it's actually, it can happen, man.
Especially if you're on the road, you're traveling. The problem with you is you're pretty well known and it's so easy to probably get in touch with your wife and social media.
It is harder for you. I think.
I think so. With the social media and all that stuff.
And it's just one of those things where you just know. Is it worth it? It's like, it might blow up my whole family.
Is this worth it? And it's just, it's like, you know, that moment as soon as it's over. As soon as you just regret.
Just a fucking, just an ocean of dread for the rest of my life. And that kind of keeps me in check.
And it's just not, it's just, you know, you get to a point where it's like, I have nothing to offer like a woman. It's like, I'm married.
I have kids. I would only be a debt.
I'd be taking from that person and then just like blowing up my own life yeah that's what i tell myself yeah that's that's what i tell myself i just go that's and i'm not really the kind of like romance cover like one night stand it's it's just it's not gonna be beautiful no exactly it's not gonna be beautiful and that's not really what I offer. You're not going to like lay her down and put roses.

Not going to blow her mind. You're not going to blow

her mind either. That's what I'm saying.

It would just be, so I'm very like. You'd both

regret it. It would be somebody trying to horn

in on my life and resources and me

foolishly. You should give them

money though. I would.
I'd have

to. I'd have to gag them.

It'd be like money, gag order.

Whatever you need. I'm just paying for your apartment.
I'm paying for your apartment so you don't tell my wife i'm just being extorted but yeah it is i will say with the social media stuff it's like like dude you used to be able to like start a family you could like leave your family and just go 30 miles and just you could have another family and not even leave them that's what i'm saying and now it's like with social media fucking 23 and me you get a dna test it's like bam that it all will come out in the wash eventually that's the one thing i've told my wife that i say if you do end up cheating on me you're gonna find out i'll find out yeah i'll find out oh she'd be pregnant so i would be able to see that but if i were to do it you think she wouldn't automatically get pregnant she cheat on you I don't know I mean I'm saying there would be somehow there would be proof like if I say if I was give her some credit that she's not going to get fucking knocked up cheating on her what a crazy thing like she can't do it she has to get like a load blown in her give her a little credit true that's true that's true but I did explain that to my wife i was like it's not it's obviously not worse for a woman to cheat or anything like that but there is a biological component to it where it's like a guy can't get like a woman can never be a cuckold a guy could be a cuckold like the the end of female cheating could result in you like spending 20 years raising a kid that's not yours that's the cuckold that's what auckold is. A cuckold is just anyone whose wife has sex.
Right. I think the woman version is quite a cuck queen.
Oh, okay. Which is funny terminology, but it's not as like, you know, just make her not come also.
That will make me come. You're disappointing another person.
I'm getting off on this. This is so hot that you can't please either of us.
They're just both mad at me eventually. But yeah, it's like I've told her, I'm like, it is, there's something that is like extra sinister about like a woman can cheat, get pregnant and then just be like, yo, this is yours, which is like, that's a different level or a different layer of like monstrosity.
But if she cheated on you with a black eye, it would probably come out a little darker. Yeah, but here's the thing.

What?

This is true, but it's like once you're like an interracial kind of mix, the shades do

differ.

Okay.

So if it was like, if the kid was like black as hell, I could, you know, maybe ask some

questions, but like the hues can be wildly different.

Like if you go to like South America.

Okay.

Where it's like everyone's been kind of like mixed up a lot.

You never know what you're getting. You can have very light and then Yeah, exactly.
Whenever it comes out a little Asian. Then I would know.
But the hues are in between. The hues are there.
You don't know what's happening. That is my favorite thing, though.
I've met a couple people where I'll be like, oh, you have kids? And I'll show them a picture. And I'll be like, oh, is your wife? She's Puerto Rican.

I'm like, wow, my wife's from Sweden.

And I'll watch and be like, what the fuck?

And I'm like, no, I'm just kidding.

My wife's black.

But it's a fun trick I like to do.

But yeah, she says our kids look like they're Puerto Rican.

She likes to say that out loud.

It's my Puerto Rican babies.

And it's funny because we're in a pretty liberal,

well-to-do white area.

And people get kind of like, you're not allowed to say my Puerto Rican babies. And it's funny because we're in like a pretty liberal, like well-to-do white area.
And it's like people get kind of like,

you're not allowed to say my Puerto Rican baby like that.

She's allowed.

She can do whatever she wants.

But it's like, it is funny watching people get kind of uptight.

Like, what the fuck?

That she has Puerto Rican kids?

Well, they're just white and black.

So they look like the Puerto Rican.

Right.

People are upset by that?

People are kind of uncomfortable with like, like irreverent references to race. And I've noticed that.
It's more like a white liberal thing where it's kind of like, what the fuck? I always find whenever white people get uncomfortable about race, it means their families had lots of slaves. Definitely.
Because you're like, ugh. Yeah, dude.
For sure.

If you're white and rich,

that's what I was saying with reparations.

It's like, let's just find out whoever had slaves and make them pay a bunch of money.

Right. I'm not against

that. Me either.
I think that'd be fair.

Dude, you guys had them.

Fork the money and just fucking... I wish my family

had lots of slaves. True.
You'd be

killing it. You'd be killing it, yeah.
We were very poor, unfortunately. We didn't even have one.
You didn't have a single one. I don't think we had them.
I don't want to find out. That would make my situation very awkward if I found out.
But now you're providing for these kids and having a better life for them. It's actually like the best come up.
True. This is true.
Just spin it how you want, Matt. This is true, like i've come a long way but yeah i don't i don't think we've had slaves but the um yeah it's got to be crazy to find that out some people like do learn that and they're like fuck just sucks you know i mean i don't know it's like you didn't do it but it's also just kind of like everyone was doing it true it's like molly it's like molly i don't know it was just trying to fit in.
didn't want any yeah it was just summer of 1869 it was just everyone my friend got me one for my birthday they they say a slave was as expensive as a car basically so that was like everyone's like yeah that's like not everybody it was like everyone could afford it that's what i'm saying that was basically when you adjusted the price, it was like a brand new car.

That's expensive.

I didn't know.

That's pricey.

Very pricey.

But what kind of new car?

Like a Civic?

I don't know.

Yeah, I would imagine.

I don't know.

Maybe there's different ones, but I think it was the equivalent to $25,000.

I think.

I could be wrong about that.

That's what I heard.

You know, some people probably couldn't really afford it, but they got one and made them do the work like six. True.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
That's been crazy. Yeah.
Dude, I worked with a guy one time when I was in high school, and it was a pool company, so we were just like digging pools and like, you know, painting pools, all this stuff, and maintaining them as well. Digging pools seems like seems like brutal work it fucking sucked so bad but i remember it was literally it was the worst job i've ever had by far the guy would stand on the edge of a pool that you were like they used a machine for a lot of it then you had a hand shovel like the edges to like kind of cut it in and he would stand on the edge of this like fucking hole and just be like why is your shovel stop and he would just like a fucking like prison line he would just be like and you had to do it the whole time you had to move if you stop for a second he'd be like why is that shovel not moving like i think you're looking for ukrainians dude well eventually his brother frill is they're gonna do the most work i'm actually not so this is what you get with his brother showed up one day and his brother came to the pool yard and he had like a mexican dude with him he was like, he like showed this Mexican guy off.
Like he was like a fucking Tesla robot. Oh, I bet.
Cause he was like, yo dude, you got to get yourself one of these. And he was just like, these motherfuckers are crazy.
And he was like, that's what you're looking for. Not this.
This is not an updated model. I'm about to go to college next year.
But yeah, he like showed, he like introduced this guy to Mexicans. Like it was like a new tech.
No, it was. But did he hire a bunch of Mexicans? No, it was me.
Like I want these outdated models. He's like, I want these shitty white guys.
Yeah, it was me. And the one guy who had seniority, it turned out to be a bit of a freak.
He was like, he, I went with him on his like, um, whatever it was like a maintenance route. And he was like, we go in his car and we get to like smoke weed all day.
And he was yeah it's like otherwise you'd be digging holes so i got to do the maintenance thing but then like we like would smoke weed and play tiger woods golf at his house all day we like finish our jobs quickly and then do you like made this guy a lot of money so he could do whatever he wanted and and then he like when we were playing tiger woods golf and just smoking weed i was like in high school and he like came to the he did something where where like he was just washing his clothes. It sounds like he's getting sexual.
Yeah. Well, here's the thing.
It never got fully sexual, but I remember like him just like walking to the laundry machine and his boxers and being like fucking weird. Right.
That's how it starts out. Exactly.
But there was another guy I worked with who was there who the, the, he was like, we had a similar status. It was me and him were bottom of the totem pole.
Then he had this like guy who was like journeyman who could you know actually know what the pool machines did that guy the boss hated him so much he would dump he flipped the dumpster over every day and make him pick up the trash because he wanted him to quit so he didn't have to pay him unemployment but that guy as i we like he's like his we've like married in together like his family married into my family and like so i like i to his brother and I'm like, dude, like I worked with your brother. And he was like, yo, that guy was like one day pulled his pants down.
I was like shaking his ass to his brother. And I'm like, dude, he was kind of getting some weird freaky shit to me.
But it wasn't that bad. Unless I just blocked it.
Unless we like made out and I blocked it out of my head. You're playing golf and then you're making out.
You're like, hey, can you do my laundry also? It's like, I'll wash wash all your clothes just take them all off yeah I'm like yeah he only ever like walked in his boxers in my head I'm like I think I fucked that guy one time no it was it was pretty tame but I was like yeah it was a it was too good to be true it was like just fucking plying me with weed and playstation oh you were like so close to getting your butt fingered I know dude I was so close you got out of there? what happened? I just quit it was like a summer job and I was like trying to work all summer then eventually I went to the beach for like a week with my aunt and uncle and I was like they pulled you out of it yeah I just like grabbed money I could from that place and just fucking took off you were so close I was on the chopping block to get fingered I think he was planning on fingering me right before I went to the beach, maybe. I don't know.
He's like, well, if you don't say anything about me and my boxers, then I know you're kind of cool with it. I think so.
But yeah, it was, have you ever had any, like, really fucked up jobs like that? Where there's, like, a sexual component? I remember I did stupid things, like me and my friend would go on a boat with guys we didn't know and I'm like oh we could have

definitely gotten raped. And we were young we were like

17 or 18.

So it's like you think back to that

you're like that was pretty dumb. Just getting in cars

with guys you don't know and going to movies.

Yeah that's kind of terrifying.

Yeah. Yeah there was we used to hang out this like

like it was like a movie. Everyone would tell their parents

we're going to the movie theaters. It's called Painter's Crossing.

It was just like a shopping center at a movie theater and you

would like just hang. You would tell your parents to go to the movies

and instead you would like stand in a parking lot and be like fucking dumbasses they think about the movies we're out on the corner freezing yeah we're just freezing outside but the uh the eating ice cream friendlies but they i remember that there was always like older like older older dudes that could like come up in like a cool civic and just like absolutely prey on the eighth grade girls. And you're like, please don't go with them.
Oh God. Yeah.
Yeah. There was like poor old high school guys would pull up and you're like, dude, you guys please get the fuck out of here.
Me and my friends went to the movies to go see before. Do you remember that? Like Chris Rock movie? Yeah.
Okay. It's pretty bad.
But anyway, this guy has like a CB before I'm thinking of, am I? I don't know. I'm thinking of CB before is like, I think Chris rocks, maybe first movie.
It's pretty bad. What anyway, this guy has like a...
Wait, hold on. CB4, I'm thinking of MIB.
I don't know what I'm thinking of MIB. No, CB4 is like,

I think Chris Rock's

maybe first movie.

It's pretty bad.

What year was this?

Probably 94, 95.

I didn't see that.

I have a thing

when people ask me about a movie,

I lie and say I saw it

and then I catch myself.

I actually like that.

I like that you do that.

Sorry, I do that every time.

Someone says that you see this movie,

I go, yes.

Yeah, and then when they start asking,

you're like,

well, maybe I'm misremembering.

Yeah.

I just,

I don't know what it is and I'll be like, yeah, and it'll be like, remember this part? And I'll be like, I used to be like, yeah. And then I don't laugh.
And they'll be like, I feel dumb for being honest. You were talking at one point.
I spaced out like, you know what I mean? It's just kind of how it is. And it's not because I wasn't interested.
You said something in my brain just started going for sure. I appreciate the honesty, dude.
Yeah. It's like everyone lies about everything.
So what was up with CB4?

Anyway, so me and my friends meet these guys on the street.

He has like a civic wagon.

He's like, you know, Hispanic, Puerto Rican, Raul.

And he has like Christmas lights in it.

We all go to the movies in this guy's car. And it's like, thinking back, you're like, these guys are like decent guys.

They didn't like attack us or rape us or anything.

And then you're like, that was pretty dumb.

Yeah, man.

It's, I'm terrified. And you have daughters too.
Dude, I am dude i am absolutely fucking they're gonna be exotic because they're puerto rican i know and they're they're they're beautiful girls man they're beautiful my wife reminds me yep that um yeah i i spent a lot of my day fantasizing about just like beating a young man to death as like a that's fun as an old man just being like i've like i've i've already like thought about like setting aside resources to like just like what i would do to a person if they did like hitting her or anything terrible it's like i my one thing is i'd like to hire a bunch of like homeless people or crackheads just like throw a brick at somebody okay for the rest of his life for the rest of his life i'm like dude you'll get pelted with a rock for the rest of your life at any given time. Right.
And it's private investigators. I was thinking about, I was like awake last night thinking about this.
There's a whole way, a whole system where you could do it and get away with it. Exactly.
Oh, I would definitely get away with it. If I just paid like homeless guys to throw rocks at somebody, like just like once every two years.
Unless you start paying them too much and then they started their own life. True.
You got to pay them just enough to keep them on the streets. Oh, for sure.
I would like giving them like

heroin and shit. Smart.
Keep them

like, yeah, I'd keep them. Highly addictive, highly

poor. On the

streets constantly. The private

eye would be nice. The private eye, I really want

to start. I'm like, I could like.
You could.

I could follow one person. I could like put

out the money to like follow. Just get the full

detail. Like one of my brothers is like, what are they really up to?

You could just even pay one of them to do it.

True. Got private eye

for me. Because they're going to be like on the, you know, on the road to follow.
Just get the full detail. One of my brothers is like, what are they really up to? You could just even pay one of them to do it.
True. Got a private eye for me? Because you're going to be on the road doing shows.
I'd have to, for my alibi, I'd probably try to leave the country. But I would like to private eye.
I don't think you should leave the country. Now your kids are really abandoned.
No, that's true. Yeah, that's true.
They're going to be strippers now. No, I'm saying for like a week.
Whatever crime I I want to leave the country While it happens So I come back

That's very obvious

Just go to Minneapolis

You're fine

A good point, yeah

That's true

I'll do hilarities in Cleveland

Go do hilarities in Cleveland

Some guys getting pelted with stones

But yeah

I like thought about that last night

Like would it be an overreach

If I had like a private investigator

Like follow

No

Yeah, right

I wouldn't be crazy

Not like out of a

Almost as a precautionary

Or it's like she started dating someone

Sure, look into their family

Yeah, look at the investigator like follow no yeah right i wouldn't be crazy not like not like out of a almost as a precautionary or it's like she started dating someone sure look into their family yeah look the whole family you're not gonna want to know what she's doing though because there's a certain like sexual component you're not i don't want that i'm saying the guy i'm not gonna like spy on that that would be oh yeah just spy on the guy yeah his whole family do you see the black mirror episode where the mom has the thing where she can watch the daughter yes Yes. There's a thing on Black Mirror where the mom can see her daughter at all times and just watch her daughter have sex.
Oh, that's not something you want. It was rough.
Yeah, that's not good. Yeah, I don't want that, but I just want to keep tabs on it.
Dudes can be just fucking dastardly. Piece of shit.
There's guys out there I'd like to believe. Maybe one will be gay.
That'd be ideal. Women are also crazy though.
Yeah, a little physical abuse I would take over emotional abuse. Yeah, true.
Yeah, women can really fuck you up, like mentally. For sure.
That's the weapon. I specialize in it.
Can you really, you can fuck with somebody? What's your go-to move? move break up with you block you come back oh no and then what the breakup they come back it's like this cycle it's

like a cyclical cycle and it's mostly i'm doing that because they're not good for me but then i'm

also just in this chaotic so it's like kind of like my childhood you know right fighting going

back fighting but how is that weaponized against the other person do you know deep down like like

how would you like just try to absolutely like wreck someone mentally it depends what i want

Thank you. fighting going back fighting but how is that weaponized against the other person do you know deep down like like how would you like just try to absolutely like wreck someone mentally it depends what i want to like make them like more into me or make them miss me like you know this is so scary it depends what i want to do what is my mission tell me my mission just to like knock them down just like try to devastate them or make them feel bad i mean you could just do jokes about them sucks yeah I was like talking to this doorman and I remember one time he's like I don't just open doors I'm like when you open windows that's pretty fucking funny yeah I mean like you could it's so easy to do because men's egos are so fragile yeah well fragile.
Yeah. Well, also, it's like, dude.
Or, like, your dick is stuck in bed. Nuclear.
Like, there's just so many things to do. Your penis sucks.
That's, like, nuclear option. And it's one of the things, as a man, you have to wonder, like, what does she really think about this? And it's like, you don't want to know, obviously.
I've, like, I've went into that cave before in previous relationships. Like, just tell me.
And it's just, like, crippling. You're like, wait, what? What did you ask them in terms of what they think about you as a person? No, I don't care about that.
I was like, how big is my dick compared to all the other dicks? Oh, that's a tough question. I know.
That's a tough question. I thought I wanted the answers.
And I was just like, really? There's the last guy you're with? Okay. Fuck! Guys with huge dicks usually are not great in bed, though.
I will say that. I'd rather an average-sized dick, a guy, I'd rather an average-sized guy that does all this stuff than a guy that, like, sticks a finger in for a second and then has sex with the onion.
Congratulations. You just won over our entire fan base, dude.
If you were worried about it for a second, they'd love you. Guys, can you put this to the beginning of the ash? Can you move this to the beginning? Average-sized dicks are where it's at.
I'll do that from like, you know, the YouTube TV.

Nobody wants a big dick.

It makes a lot of sense, man. I really like the way she's fucking thinking.

I also,

look, and I could be,

I could just, you know, I'm not like trying to talk

about guys with big dicks like they're like bad,

but I feel like they do carry more of a

Machiavellian kind of personality.

Yeah, because they have this big dick, but usually that's all they do is have a big dick. So it's like if you just have that and don't do foreplay, you don't do anything for someone else, it's like it just sucks.
It's not great. Yeah, eventually at all.
I knew one guy in my life who was, you know, it was like someone we'd do. We had kind of like a professional relationship, and he apparently had a giant dick and he remember him telling me like bro he's like living with this lady and i remember being like man she's really putting up with a lot and he's like i'm controlling her mind with my dick and that was what he told me and for a minute i was like maybe he is i'm like good for him some girls are size queens and they want a huge day but it all fell apart it did eventually i think she found maybe found a bigger that's a problem.
Someone finds another big dick. I guess you gotta flip a lot of stones, but eventually you find another one.
But now this guy could do more damage than the other guy. True.
If you're really into big dicks, I guess you would put up with a lot. Yeah.
But it all came crashing down. I remember being like, man, that's a thing.
I didn't know that. Eventually, he got kicked out of the house.
Mind control. MKUltra has apparently ceased, too's fucking yeah but yeah it was it was kind of a it was like a weird that's never really been my play I've never tried to like you know like control a woman's mind I don't know if this guy was an option I don't know if this guy was controlling her mind either I don't think he did I got kicked out of her house and she called the police on him sound like we kept all this money.
Where's this guy from?

Pennsylvania.

Well, I've dated some Pennsylvania trash.

Really?

Keep going.

True.

He didn't have a huge dick, though.

Yeah, this guy.

He called it, you know.

But he, yeah, it was always, I've always been kind of fascinated. As a guy, too, like, you'll just be, like, chilling with the guy for a long time.

Then you just learn he has a huge dick.

And you're like, what the fuck?

Who cares? That's like not a thing. I don't care anymore like i don't care anymore i don't care anymore but it was just it's well sorry what were you saying you don't think it's a thing i don't like i get it some people really love huge dicks but to me it's like what you can do with it like what your other skills are kind of are better than just having like this one thing you're yeah true like you're not even necessarily good at you just have it okay so like when it goes like all the way to the back, you're saying take it or leave it.
I told the guy, I was like, hey, I don't come like that. And he's like, oh, what should I do? He's like, because girls just be coming from that.
So he didn't even know. I was like, well, first of all, a lot of them are lying to you.
But he's almost 40 and he did not even know that. He's like, oh, I just...
Girls just be coming like that. I'm like, yeah, not most of them.
That's a sick answer, though. I'm going to do my wife that.
I'd be like, girls usually just be coming from that, dude. I don't know what the fuck.
He's like, so what should I do? It's like, so this guy doesn't even know. Yeah.
What, he didn't know to, like, put it in and go as fast as possible? The jackhammer move? That's actually his only move. He's like in another world.
Like isn't for you. This is for me.
Oh, for sure. It's for him.
Yeah. For sure.
Yeah, that is very funny. Yeah, I don't know, man.
I don't have... I used to be, as a younger man, I was very hung up.
I'd be like, oh my God, where do I stand? You get older, you're like, what the fuck, man? I don't care. But it doesn't matter.
It's one of those things, too. There's an expiration date on that.
If you're priding yourself at being awesome at sex, it's like, well, guess what, dude? Yeah, and also this guy was like, well, the one thing you shouldn't talk about is how a guy has sex. And I'm like, that should have tipped me off that he's not good.
What do you mean to talk about? He's like, you shouldn't, I guess, criticize how a man is in bed. And I was like, I should probably think this is not going to be good.

Like if you don't want to hear any feedback.

Yeah.

That's also such a funny thing to be like,

look,

it's just kind of impolite for you to like tell me.

Can you please not leave me a bad Yelp review actually?

That's not going to be great for me.

I,

I went on one online date with a person.

This was the most,

I mean,

this was diabolical and I don't think they genuinely did it on purpose,

but this lady was very into LSD. She was like, you know, she was working with like kids with disabilities and she's like, I want to give it to them.
And I remember being like, that's pretty nuts. You shouldn't do that.
But she told me this. I was like, I always would, that was like my big icebreaker.
I'm like, what's like the weirdest date you ever went on? And this lady was like, one time I brought some acid to this guy's apartment and like, he never did it before. And we were like tripping on acid.
And we started having sex and halfway through I stopped and I was like, I'm sorry, but you have the smallest penis I've ever seen. She's like, I got to stop.
And she just like got off and just chilled in his apartment and like finished the acid or whatever. And then she said the guy the whole time was watching like motivational videos on his YouTube while she just kind of like sat on her phone why didn't he just leave it was his apartment why didn't she just leave she's a fucking psycho i don't know but she like broke this down to him being like bro like you don't understand like this is crazy i've never encountered anything like this a dick so small it's like i can't like we just have stop right now.
And then I think she did some guys with small dicks.

Really?

I went on a streak of small dicks for a lot of years.

That's kind of sick.

It was.

But at one point you just look at it.

You're like, I feel almost like a pedophile.

This is like, this is like kind of gross.

It's very small.

You just lost half the fan base.

Fuck.

Aren't they pedophiles?

Guys.

I'm kidding.

That is very funny. Yeah.
That's gotta be. Well, that that's a,iles? Guys.
I'm kidding. That is very funny.

Yeah, that's got to be...

Well, that's a...

I mean, it is the old Louis bit

where he's like,

you don't know what it is

until you get...

You have to go on an entire date.

Did he...

I think he did.

Maybe he did.

I don't know.

Maybe I wrote that.

I'm a fucking comedic genius,

but the...

Is that what the podium is for?

Well, did you notice

my podium is so big and the guest is so small? Listen, big dick energy move this is a very small energy I know I know but I did do that consciously because it made me laugh to be like at a gigantic podium I love it but maybe subconsciously it is a conversation but what the fuck I don't even remember what the fuck I was saying, that is crazy to just go on a streak and then it's like, you can't. I wasn't trying.
It was happening. Seeking it out would be crazy though if you started matching them up.
It was just small. How accurately do you think you can predict just looking at a person? I have no idea.
So it's just a total I have no idea. Question mark.
Yeah, I have no idea. You can't go by feet size.
You really can't. For me, I have no idea.
My friend can tell pretty accurately but I have no idea. That's i have no you can't go by feet size you really can't for me i i have no idea my friend can tell pretty accurately but i have no idea that's crazy yeah how does your friend i don't know she just has a gift i think she's gifted yeah she's gifted yeah because the thing is you can't then like you have a responsibility you can't like leave the guy and be like dude your dick's just not cutting the mustard because then it's like that's that's terrible so you have to like just kind of wait what do you just have to wait it out for a little bit and eventually big look I don't think.
No I mean I remember one time I was like talking to this guy and he was like oh I just want you to have a small dick. Like we were at his place and then like I was like alright well I'll like jerk you off but like I'm not going to like take a number and have that add to my roster.
True true. Bring down the mean average.
But listen when a guy tells you he has a small dick he does usually yeah the power move is when it's average and you go super small and then they go it's like three inches yeah oh it's six that's great yeah that's exactly that's kind of my move to be like it's so small then they go not that bad well you know whatever right they're like pleasantly surprised exactly yeah especially the whole time on the date like you're eating Like, how's your food, by the way? My fucking dick is tiny, whatever. Right.
They're like pleasantly surprised. Exactly.
Yeah.

Especially the whole time on the date, like you're eating.

Like, how's your food?

And like, by the way, my fucking dick is tiny, dude.

But then sometimes it is tiny and you're like, oh, you were not lying.

Honest Dave.

At that point, you're honest Dave.

Yeah.

I told you what you were in for.

It was not good.

I think that's actually, that's a good, that's a noble thing, though. To be like, look, I got a small fucking dick.

It's kind of freeing. I would think so.
And then you could also, if you date this person, just get away with so much because their dick is so small. Oh, you're saying you can denigrate them or just be like...
You could just cheat. It's like, what are you going to do? Good luck finding another person to put up with that.
Yeah, true. Be like, look, I would love you if your dick was bigger, but it's not.
I do love you, but I don't like you. I don't like you at all.

So I have to do this because of you.

If you have a small dick, you have to be good at other stuff.

For sure.

And that's why these big dick guys are not.

Yeah, that's true.

You got to be very good.

The one thing that is crushing in terms of from a celebrity perspective,

then you get like well-known celebrities with small penises,

and that kind of like hits the streets.

What was that guy's name that cheated on his wife with a nanny

and he had a small dick?

Thank you. perspective then you get like well known celebrities with small penises and that kind of like hits the streets what was that guy's name that cheated on his wife with a nanny and he had a small dick white guy curly hair I don't know I was thinking I know Arnold Schwarzenegger took down his nanny but I don't know I'd imagine he doesn't have a micropolean that'd be crazy talented Mr.
Ripley he was in who's that guy not Matt Damon the other, the other one. Not Ben Affleck.
Jayla wouldn't put up with that. Probably not.
Probably a bit of a size queen. I don't know.
I'm trying to think of the... It's the guy in it.
The talented... So it's not Ben Affleck.
Who's the other guy? Jude Law. Jude Law.
Really? He's a hunk. I know, and he's got a small dick.

From what I've heard, I don't know.

Okay.

Yeah, but he's so handsome, though, right?

Wouldn't it be kind of like... That would really be a...

Small and thin is bad.

Yeah.

Must be at least thick.

Thick-ish.

Just not like a finger.

Okay.

More like one and a half.

Like two, at least.

Okay.

Yeah, cool.

Even if they're like two pinkies, that's not bad. Oh, you're saying like...
I'm just saying like you prefer two thumbs wide length. I got you.
But two pinkies is... Two pinkies is serviceable.
Two pinkies is serviceable. It's on the low end.
One index finger you're talking about. Getting probed.
You're talking about getting probed. Is that out there? No, for real.
I'm not dick bragging at all. Is that out there? I don't know.
That's crazy. I've never come across that.
Damn, I was feeling real good about myself. I was like, what a fucking piece of shit.
If this airs in China, I'm sure there are some guys with that. Yeah, that's...
Have they done the smallest in the planet? I think the smallest in the planet. Huh? Some guy's like, wait, have you gone to Jupiter and seen what the dicks are

like out there? Have they done smallest

in the planet? Yeah.

He's known for the smallest piece.

So how does that

work? They didn't have like a... Oh, they had a contest,

didn't they? They actually had a...

I actually, yeah, I read about this. They had a

small dick contest and they found the guy who had

the smallest dick in the world. I think it was like trying to raise awareness.
Be like, look, guys, let's destigmatize. That's just going to make him want to kill himself more.
Smallest dick in the world. At that point, though, you'd have to just laugh.
It's so crazy. I have the smallest dick.
And then you'd know. You'd know where you stand.
Half the torture is not knowing where you stand. Right.
If you're just the worst. You're like, but I have huge balls.
My balls are just huge. Yeah, that would be.
I'm just going to stick my dick in there and my balls, so you're going to get everything. You just spray like an ungodly amount of gum out of your tiny fingers.
You're getting everything, man. Yeah, that is an issue, and that's one guys are sensitive about.
You know, it's, Man, I just wish my brothers out there could just be free.

Average is the best.

I think so, too.

It's best of all worlds.

Average is the best.

Hard worker.

You can get a little something going in sweatpants,

something crazy, nothing to brag about.

If there's nothing there, that's a real turnoff.

But also for a woman, you really don't know.

I mean, I guess there's no way to know either

if a woman's vagina is huge.

Yeah, there's no way. That's a absolute you can't tell at all.
Right. So you just have to go in.
You're both like this. Fingers crossed.
We have no idea if this is going to be a match or not. Yeah.
I mean, yeah, people should. I would like to think people should be more like just kind of gracious about it and be like, hey, you know, I didn't really think that worked out very well.
I'll be willing to accept my half of the responsibility. And, you know, let's say I wish you the best and may we find a good match.
I had a next boyfriend who said that like he had sex with a woman and it was just like hollow inside. He also didn't have a big dick.
And I was like, so what do you do? He's like, you just try and hit the walls. Yeah.
That was so funny. You got to lean.
Yeah. I guess you'd have to lean to either side.
I think I did this wrong again. That's all right.
It's all coming off, I think. Good.
You caught yourself on that. But yeah, that is, I feel bad.
That's the thing too. Like, you know, because it's, I feel bad for her.
There could be a lady that has a like literally gigantic vagina. I think there are.
Yeah. I think I've dated guys who have said that.
I'm like, is that a real thing? And they're like, yeah. I've only ever come across one in my entire life.
And I was gracious about it. I was like, thank you for letting me do that.
Yeah, thank you. I'm in the hall of the titans.
But thank you for letting me in here. And then what happened? You were just like, I'm out because you're loose puss? There's a lot of other stuff going on.
You just make it about something else. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, I would just kind of just not respond, but the kind of dastardly.
But no, I would really just be like, yeah, you know, I don't I'd wait like a week or two and then be like, dude, I'm you know, this isn't. I'm so busy.
I'm like, oh, you're a great person. But the yeah, you know, it's torn pretty hard.
It's going to be hard for me to keep this up. I need to find someone with a bigger pussy.
Yeah, you're actually a little too small for me. Exactly.
I like to be completely lost. Completely lost and disoriented.
Like a float tank. I just get in there and I'm like, what the fuck's going on start meditating yeah i wish people would like the problem is is like i'll argue with my wife and then i'll come in from the shower naked and just like a tiny flaccid penis and it's like you coming from an argument like that yeah i'll walk in i'm begging for it i'm begging i love to be punished but i'm like coming in i'll do that you won't even like get a little thing going if If I have the time to do it, if I'm like thinking about it,

I'll always get a little thing. That's like

first step. But sometimes I'll just

be like getting ready for bed and we'll

be in that silent zone of huffing and puffing

and I'll walk in and in my head I'm like

I dare you. I didn't know she's like this fucking look

at this piece of shit. And she's definitely

I know you're around.

I love when someone does that and you're like I fucking hate you so much right now there's no way i would ever touch you i'd rather you go fuck a homeless person than me touch you but is she like sometimes she gives in because she just knows when you say give in i'm talking about she's mad i'm talking about she's looking at me and i know she's mad at me already so she's seeing me naked and just like my, I have like fucking pimples on my butt

and a tiny flaccid penis.

I know she's being like gross.

Yeah.

But I'm like,

and I'm looking at her like,

say something,

I fucking dare you.

Are you talking about me being like

trying to parlay that into a sexual advance?

Yeah.

Like she's mad at you

and then you come in

and you're like,

huh?

We gotta,

we gotta be fighting really bad

for it to kind of go to like sexual.

It has happened.

I've had sex with people where I'm like,

this is almost rape where you're like,

I'm so not into this.

I hate this.

I'm just like praying for it to end.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's,

that also hurts a guy's ego,

but the,

not enough to stop.

He's like,

this hurts,

but I'm going to keep going. That's for you guys.
That's for you guys. We're like guys we're like i'm gonna deal with that yeah that's for you guys but i i've always been a bit of a brat about that if i if like if i'm getting like kind of maintenance sex of like look i know you need this do it i used to be very like you're not even into it but now i'm i'll be gracious i'm like dude thanks you know i know this isn't on the top of your agenda but thanks for letting me do that i I actually well thanks for letting me masturbate with your vagina that's kind of what that sex feels like when you're not into it i don't know what's going on with this thing that's what it feels like where you're like i'm just gonna let you masturbate my pussy yeah i still i'll be honest though it's like i've gotten more gracious but there's part of me that gets resentful it's like seriously dude like you're not you're not feeling this at all and that's kind of but then it's like what a nice thing to do so i'm kind of torn on that issue i get it it's also nice too like if you are doing it from behind you're really disconnected from it if you could just be on your phone doing something yeah that would be like the nice part for her just watching just real she just responded to emails because she has a lot to do just watching fighter and the kid clips just thinking about him so wait is he not doing stand-up anymore

I don't really know much about him. I think he's going to get back into fighting.
I've also, I've heard, by the way, I'm not trying to trash the guy. I think him as a phenomenon, that's kind of what I'm interested in.
I'm not, you know. I love the, first of all, I don't know him, so I don't like dislike him or anything.
Me either. But someone sent me videos where he's just like in podcasts lying about stuff and then he's on another podcast contradicting it.
That's what happens when you have 95 thousand people auditing your every word they were right. They would tell you to shreds Yeah I think he said like he didn't grow up with dogs and then someone's like he did grow up with dogs and then he said he had a parrot and then he didn't have a parrot or something.
It's just kind of great. It is pretty funny.
I do love that and that's what I what I love love about him is that yeah it is a cool story it's like he got kind of like he was an mma fighter got like launched into the you know i would say semi-national spotlight got absolutely yes okay he got yeah he was he was an mma guy i think he knew rogan from mma and then he got launched into like you know like the role of a comedian but just was like right at the top and just got at. Dude, imagine like two years in just getting your recording.
I think somebody said they liked Gringo Poppy better than my special. It's probably my wife, dude.
That's funny. Yeah, it was all right.
But I just prefer the energy brought in GP. I know you're trying to hurt my feelings, but actually that made me laugh.
Yeah, that also made me. That that is like that's one of those ones you're like nuts you know you're not it's fucking with me it's being mean um but yeah i i don't know what the fuck i was even talking about but yeah i just i don't want to throw shade to the shop man but it is it was kind of a uh i've heard he's nice i heard he's a nice guy but it was just a very i think about it a lot like just like how do you deal with the people? They're like kind of paying for your livelihood.
And part of that is them getting to say like horrible, shitty things to you. And it's like, there's like a dad who pays your bills.
And every now and again, they just lash it. They get, people get drunk too online.
You forget, you read this stuff. Oh, that's true.
A lot of them, that's where they get their courage. Yeah.
Or a lot of people would like, they'll be blacked out. You'll like read something and be like, how could somebody possibly say that? And then you get like bro i blacked out i'm so i was hammered last night i apologize but that is how you truly feel true you're apologizing for sending it but that is how you feel about me yeah true you exposed me to your truth and um i don't know it gets weird because then you get into the territory of like well you know it's like this is kind of is what I like to tell myself.
Like maybe I'm just listening something they see in themselves and they hate it. Yeah, that's true, too.
There are a lot of times they're going through shit. They need someone to take it out on.
Yeah, that's what I like about New York City is that like if you're having a bad day, there's so many people to unleash your anger on. That's kind of nice.
Yeah. And everyone's just mad.
So it doesn't really matter. I do miss that.
The road rage in Philly. It was like you could like like come up to a stop sign someone starts to go and you're just like hanging out your window like fuck you just me and just like a Muslim black lady we're fighting and I'm like this is we never would have talked otherwise right bringing us together we get to scream at each other yeah that was a I do miss that Texas is like weirdly nice I didn't know it'd be so nice down here do you think that's just austin or you think it's could just be austin i've never i've only ever been in austin so i don't know but i think people are generally like a little more a little bit slower and nicer yeah a little dumber do you think somebody said it has something to do with everyone having a gun like in new york no one has a gun yeah i agree you can kind of pop off Right.
So here it's like, hey, we both have guns. We're all going to shoot each other.
Yeah, that's another one of my recent just pointless fantasies I have now of getting in a road rage altercation and just being totally gracious and being like, dude, I fully apologize for what I just did. I'd like for us to move forward through this and just try to really change somebody's day.
My wife just fucking upset me. She just really told me something that's upsetting.
My wife. I'm taking it out on you and you don't deserve that.
True. That'd be nice to just trap the guy.
Go from road rage to being like, dude, I don't think- I just need someone to talk to you. I don't think my dick's that good, dude.
I don't think my dick's that good. I don't think I'll ever be able to truly please a woman and I'm just fucking- He just wanted to go first.
Can you go back to like shooting me please? I'd actually prefer that than whatever we're doing right now. I think I'll be born and die and I'll truly never please a woman.
It hurts me. There are some guys that have never pleased a woman.
Yeah. Probably a lot.
It's kind of cool, but I feel like at that point you can just like wear an eye patch and just become like a, you know what I mean? I think that'd be kind of cool to like know like i'll never never just become like a bad guy you're like i'm actually trying not to make you come so if you feel close let me know i'm gonna stop you're gonna mess up my mystique yeah but you know whatever it's not all about that i'll be honest you know what i mean what do you what would you say it's all about if you had to pick a thing it's a mix of things you mean like making a relationship work no just in general like in life what makes you happy yeah money you think so yeah definitely money probably money and i guess some people you do love yeah those two things i think you're right um if you had to only pick one i'm sure most people would just say like family that you love um but also money's pretty great yeah i it is it is one of those things i don't i don't think it is the root of all evil I would say it's not I do think at some point when you have so much money and you can like control things that's not great but if you have just enough for yourself pay your bills and like go on vacation if you need to like you should have enough money to possibly have to go off the grid and I agree man I think I agree, man. I think there is like, the problem is, is like once you get enough to pay your bills, go on vacation and like have a nice normal life.
The problem is I, I would, you know, I, I have that and I'll still get like miserable. And that's when I'm like, dude, I'm just fucked.
And that's what I've been trying to work on that a lot. Cause it's very shitty.
Cause you're like, dude, what the fuck? Nothing brings me. You might just like need to get cancer and almost die and come back from it.
So then you're like, oh, shit, I do really appreciate this now. We just haven't had cancer yet.
That's true. I am looking forward to that.
That would be a total game changer. Where you're like almost going to die and then you're like, I love life.
Yeah, that's what I need. And I have a pretty.
Everyone needs that. I think so.
Almost near death experience where you enjoy life again. That's a good idea.
That's what kind of like, you know, you can also do like a ton of mushrooms. That kind of does help.
If you're like one to get... I'm just scared of drugs because I don't respond great to them.
I just think, I feel like anytime I did something crazy, like I've only smoked pot and had great and awful experiences. I think if I did mushrooms or something, I'd be like, I could fly and I know I I'd fall out a window.
Yeah, I tried to climb a water tower when I was little. Right, that's what you're saying.
I didn't climb it. No, no, no.
I mean, well, I shouldn't say little. I was like fucking 18 years old, but I was, you know.
Younger. I was new, but I was a fresh boy.
People were showing me their butts in the fucking apartment. Life was really opening up for you.
The opportunities that you were really getting between seeing guys butts and climbing water I was like I remember just being like on mushrooms and being like I'm definitely gonna climb that my friends were like don't do that I couldn't comprehend the idea of like her getting hurt or getting in trouble I was like dude I'll get to the top like watch this and they were like dude for real don't and you still did it I didn't do it because that's No, and that's why I am a little bit nervous about that. Like, yeah, I might jump off some shit, but I try to stay ground level.
Stay ground level. Yeah, but I think I'd probably be like, well, let me see if I could dart across this eight-lane highway.
Yeah. That's another thing I could see myself doing.
I've driven on my own. Look, I've done it.
I know, I just think I would do stupid stuff like that. I drove on mushrooms against my guitar teacher's advice.
He was like, I told him, I was like, I'm going to do mushrooms. He was like, sick.
And he was like, don't. He's like, whatever you do.
He's like, just create some cool riffs. He's like, whatever you do, do not drive.
And I was like, Roger that first time I did him. I was like, I want to get out of here and just got on the road.
I thought I was fine. I got on the road.
I can imagine. Dude, it was terrifying.
Yeah. I don't think that's great.
Yeah. Don great yeah don't ever do that don't drive on mushrooms it's not unless you think you could do it unless it's a microdose if it's a microdose you can do fine does microdose help with like depression what does microdose actually do so i i would argue yeah it does it's one of those things where it's like uh you take like 0.1 you're supposed to take like a sub perceptual dose so you're not supposed to if you're like feeling high it's like it's it's too much some people still do that because they're like oh this is better but you take a little bit to the point where you don't really notice it as much but you're it will almost alter your thought patterns in a way where you'll be thinking differently and then the days you're off of it you get to kind of start to compare and be like okay on this day i was presented with this situation and like my brain you just have like more serotonin so you're going all right i i kind of work this problem out differently and then you should try it you should i think it's a good idea man it's not gonna hurt microdosing is one of those things and it's one of those if like what can happen when i would do it initially like i would get nervous like i'm like oh i'm gonna take too much and like freak out like it's gonna i'm just worried i'm gonna freak out it's just the first couple days you take it on like a day you have nothing to do and like you know just go do stuff walk go for a walk and uh i i think it's good like and i would go off and on i still go off and on and on this is my on cycle i'm on them right now but the but you seem like fine yeah it's totally fine it really is how long does it like last for uh it takes about you take it and then like an hour later you might start to feel like an onset.
But ideally you barely even feel it. Can you drive on it? Oh, big time.
Oh, okay. I should drive Uber on them all the time.
No, is it like legal to drive on it? Not what you're doing. Not whatever crazy shit you're doing.
They're, well, yeah, it is because it's like you're not going to get breath a lot. You're not going to be like, are you on point one of fucking golden wizards? They're not going to know.
Does golden wizards make you tell the truth where you're like, yes? No, you would be fine. I'm telling you, if like, if you were to take a actual, the problem is with mushrooms, they can be like five times stronger than other things.
So like, but if you find a good batch. I took one edible at my friend.
We were for moon tower my friend my best friend does edible she's like this is actually very low yeah and then i took it and i woke up to the ocean and it was i was off the rails anytime i do it and it goes bad i'm like in a situation where i think someone's trying to kill me or i'm dead and i need to wake myself up i'm like in a coma what did you take near near the ocean? Where were you? Oh no, I heard the ocean. I was in a hotel room.
Oh god. Yeah, I was like...
Edibles, dude, that's one thing people will act like. I only took one and my friend was like, how many did you take? And I counted them and I was like, I think I took all of them.
I was like, they keep disappearing. It was like wild.
Really? Yeah. Was your friend fine? My friend didn't take it.
She's like, I guess by whatever the percentage was, she was like, this is a very low dose. And then I took one and I was like, I thought it was Russell Crowe and a beautiful mind.
Like I'm always go towards schizophrenia. Yeah.
We're like, I think I'm doing one thing, but this is like reality. Yeah.
Weed edibles can, I don't, I don't, I'd rather take, I'd honestly rather take a small amount of mushrooms to take a weed edible they like freak me out they get like my heart rate kind of going and i get like it's just like i always go to like i'm in a mental institution no one will tell me the truth i'm stuck here people are visiting me it's like it's my mind is not good one of my thought i was trying to kill me the whole night yeah and we were staying together and we he was going back to this airbnb and he chose a different way and i was like are you gonna come in that hotel he's like no i was like but wouldn't you say you're not gonna kill me if you're gonna come he's like yeah i guess that's right now i went to open the door and he's like don't jump out but i freaked him out where he got back to the airbnb and locked the door he's like i don't want you trying to come in i was like i'm locking my door you're trying to lock you in we locked you in our own door we had our own bedroom so he locked So he locked himself in his bedroom and I locked my bedroom because I was like, you might be trying to kill me. I have no idea.
That was when you did the weed edibles last time. That was another time that we, the first night we did it, we smoked and it was the most fun and then it was that.
The edibles are a whole different. That wasn't even edibles.
That was regular pot and I was like, what is this? He goes, yeah, this like makes you a little more like hypochondriac. I'm like, why wouldn't you tell me that? He hit you with the hypochondriac weed? I don't know.
Whatever it is, it was not good. I was like, what is this? He goes, yeah, this makes you a little more like hypochondriac.
I'm like, why wouldn't you tell me that?

He hit you with the hypochondriac weed?

I don't know.

Whatever it is, it was not good.

I was succeeding to the most on hypochondriac weed.

Oh, my God.

Bro, you're a suave as hell.

Thank you so much for putting on with this. I'm trying take it mushrooms is sick my fucking set up sucks I can't do this normally sorry yeah I think we did it yo for real thank you so much let's log off okay you absolutely did it I don't know I'm like eating Dude, for real, thank you for so much for doing this.
Women are so stupid. I for real thank you, Ruel.
I'm very happy you did this. Me too, and I hope everyone doesn't hate me on your podcast.
But if they do, it's like not my problem. I got a good six cents, dude.
I got a good six cents. I would say they'll say, welcome to the halls of Amenti.
I hope so. They'll say absolute.
They'll say the Dark Queen has arrived, dude. Go watch the Dark Queen.
Go get upset. Yeah, watch the Dark Queen.
These guys aren't going to get upset. No, they won't.
This is my fan base, probably. I think it might be, honestly.
I think you might have found your fan base. Just trash people.
I'm also garbage, so it makes sense. Yeah, you'd rather get tapped into the worst dudes ever.
Now I've dated a guy from Philly. I'm already there.
I know what that's like.

My own family are fiercely loyal, dude. I know.
My energized

communities. It waits you, dude.

I love it. But no, dude, thank you for doing

this. You're cool as fuck.
Thank you for having me. It was a lot

of fun, despite this thing.

We've got a lot of mics.

Guys, go to Netflix. Watch The Dark Queen.

Do you have a website

or tickets or anything? Oh yeah, go check me out

on Instagram, Adrian

Appaloochee. Come see me on the road.

I'm going to go do some gigs with Ari,

January, February, March. Right on.

Then I have some of my own headlining dates

so go come out.

Alright. Love you guys.