Chapter 17: News of the World.

and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-litre jug.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

CRM was supposed to improve customer relationships.

Instead, it's shorthand for customer rage machine.

Your CRM can't explain why a customer's package took five detours?

Reboot your inner piece and scream into a pillow.

It's okay.

On the ServiceNow AI platform, CRM stands for something better.

AI agents don't just track issues, they resolve them, transforming the entire customer experience.

So breathe in and breathe out.

Bad CRM was then.

This is ServiceNow.

Previously on Midnight Burger, Casper, in an attempt to get back to the diner, assembles the Midnight Burger B team.

The X.

Surprise!

Yeah.

And this fucking guy.

Casper?

Even older Leaf.

Even Older Leaf has a plan to track down the diner.

A particular energy signature shows up at any location about two days before the diner shows up.

We can pick up the preprint in time to book it before they jump away again.

That sounds like we've got to get really lucky.

That's all we've got.

But first, he would like to make a little pit stop.

We've proven we can do a jailbreak.

How about we break someone else out?

Involving this lady.

Interplanetary travel.

Enjoyed by so many across the triad.

Yeah, that's right.

That was a real person the whole time.

Don't we feel dumb?

And what was her name again?

Her name's Bert Berg.

She's an old friend of mine.

I'll admit, a dramatic rescue attempt while you are currently being hunted is not the most responsible choice, but it's not called Midnight Responsible Choice Makers now, is it?

Let's start the shift.

As you can see from the dilapidated buildings behind me, the draconian trade policies of the Ted Empire have decimated the small cities and towns here on Lamonier.

To keep up with the high fees associated with their active warp gate, every citizen of this planet must work at a water treatment facility for a minimum of five years so that they can prepare shipments of fresh water to the Teds as payment for their active warpgate lease.

When the lease was first signed by the Lamonians a generation ago, it was seen as a great boon to their planet.

But now, with their fresh water reserves depleted by 20% globally and environmental disasters looming, the Lamonians are desperate to escape their lease with the Teds that is not set to expire for another generation.

Believe it or not,

that badass

is now this.

Coming up next on Earth 2, the metaverse.

Watch millions of Earthlings convince themselves that it's going to be an actual thing.

Well, how did that happen?

TED ticks.

Nanobots that grab a hold of your frontal lobe and turn you into a directionless shill.

They're all over the place on Earth, by the way.

Mostly on local news stations.

That explains a lot.

How are we going to rescue her?

I'm not sure yet.

We're coming up on the Ted Home World now.

We're going to sneak in and grab her.

What system is it in?

Bethany Elliott.

Okay.

Wait, what?

The name of the solar system is Bethany Elliott.

The Ted Homeworld is located in a solar system called the Bethany Elliott system.

Yeah.

How?

The International Star Registry.

Yeah, you know those name-your-own star kits you can buy on Earth where you can name a star after your kid or whatever?

Yeah.

They're real.

Those names are binding.

And they're everywhere.

Yeah, they're all over the place.

There's the Bethany Elliott system, the Ronnie Loves Becky system, the Sarah Bergenholtz system, the happy graduation Jimbo system.

The worst is Justine Burbank.

Oh, God.

Justine Burbank is the worst.

That's where I lost my arm.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Well, it's a human thing, and you're trying to become more human, so the joke's on you, lady.

Whatever.

How are we doing this?

She's a high-value target, so they move her every couple of weeks.

Luckily, I have it on good authority that she's currently at Earth Portal Headquarters, and they just moved her there so we've got plenty of time to plan

shit what

turns out when I heard they just moved her what I should have heard was they're just about

to move her they're moving her in two hours we're going to have to wing it everybody hang on late

Welcome to Earth Portal, the number one source of entertainment in the triad.

Be sure and tune in for our newest hit show.

Who did Henry Kissinger Outlive this time?

Gar Doll, calling.

Gar, boo-boo, here's the problem.

You should be calling me about production wrapping up, but you're not calling me to tell me that, are you?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

You don't say.

Guard, Gar, let me stop you right there.

El Salvador just adopted Bitcoin as their national currency.

You're telling me you can't find the humor in that?

Because I think it's hilarious.

Sure.

Sure.

Yes, Gar, I understand that it's sad for them, but what do I always say?

If it's sad on Earth, it's hilarious for the rest of us, right?

Are we together on this?

Good.

Don't fuck this up, Gar.

Good morning, Deborah.

I have an hour 9 meeting.

Schedule reads hour 9 meeting.

Alright, fine.

Everyone wants a piece of me, Deborah.

Good morning.

Am I late?

So sorry if I am.

It's non-stop fun up here at Earth Portal.

What can I do for you today?

I'm sorry.

What can I do for you today?

I apologize.

I'm not prepared for this meeting, whatever this is.

I didn't realize you were in my schedule until just now.

Are you pitching something?

Uh,

yes.

Yes, that's why I'm here.

Go ahead.

Go ahead with.

Your pitch.

Let's hear it.

What am I pitching?

Sweetie, how did you get this meeting?

Honestly, I'm not sure.

All right.

This meeting is obviously some sort of glitch in the system.

I apologize for wasting my time.

Deborah, can you escort whoever this is out of my office?

Please.

Wait, I'm sorry.

I'm just a little confused.

You and me both, pal.

I'm from Earth.

I'm a little overwhelmed by all of this.

Please follow me.

What did you say?

I'm from Earth.

I'm still getting used to all this

crazy space stuff.

I mean, until last week, I didn't even know there were aliens.

Is this a joke?

I'm sorry?

Please follow me.

Never mind, Deborah.

You're really an earthling.

I am.

So if I gave you a cup of coffee, it wouldn't kill you?

Nope.

I'm supposed to drink this, I'm assuming.

Please.

Still here.

Well,

look at you.

What do you mean?

I'm sorry.

I've never met an earthling before.

I'm jealous.

How'd you get off world?

Is it really that hard?

It is for Earthlings.

Right.

I uh

made a deal.

I made a deal with the Ted Empire.

Really?

We offered you a deal?

Yes, because...

I invented something.

You did.

And they didn't want earthlings to have it, so they offered me a deal.

What was the deal?

One-way trip to space and, and,

a meeting with you.

Oh,

I see.

A top-secret thing.

No wonder I didn't know about this meeting.

Yes, sorry about that.

What'd you invent?

Uh,

flying car.

Oh, yeah, we'd never let you have one of those.

Right?

I mean, why the?

Well, I'm not in the Earth monitoring department, but our approach to scientific advancements on Earth is always: when science advances, make sure it's also disappointing.

We can't just let you have flying cars, it would be too much fun.

We can let you have the airline industry, which takes the majesty of flight and turns it into a really miserable experience.

I see.

The misery of Earthlings is really our bread and butter here at Earth Portal.

And what do you do here?

Right, forgive me.

I forget you're starting from scratch.

Welcome to Earth Portal, the number one entertainment portal in the triad.

Throughout three galaxies, the number one source of entertainment is your home planet.

You watch our television shows?

Well, don't get me wrong, your television shows aren't that bad, but none of them really come close to the true nuclear-grade idiocy that you folks get up to down there.

That's hard to argue with.

You know what?

It's all becoming clear to me now.

I have been begging to have an Earthling on staff here at Earth Portal, and it looks like my begging has paid off.

They've sent me an Earthling.

Here I am.

I have to say, big fan, I love your planet.

I love how on fire everything is all of the time.

And I've really been watching, okay?

I'm not a casual viewer.

I've been watching since the Tom Cruise and Oprah's couch days.

Tom Cruise on Oprah's Couch, that was you guys?

Oh, Tom Cruise is all us, baby.

You think an Earthling would act that way?

Oh, great.

What is this now?

Deborah!

Hello, boss.

There is a high security risk asset entering the building for an exclusive interview.

Your presence is required in the lobby.

Ooh, haven't had one of these in a while.

What's happening?

Exclusive interview.

We're going to have to go into lockdown for a while.

We'll finish this up later.

Get comfortable.

X?

X, are you there?

Yeah, I'm here.

Are you in position?

I mean, I guess so.

I thought a rescue attempt would involve more planning than this.

Yeah, I don't really appreciate the free jazz improv version of this rescue attempt either, but were we really expecting a long thought-out plan from even older leaf?

Are you in position?

Yeah, sure.

I don't know what I do next, though.

He just said he made me a fake appointment with some guy?

Now there's alarms going off, and the guy left, and the door's locked.

What was your job?

What?

Take out the guards.

Okay.

That sounds easy.

What's the problem?

I've been doing a lot of violence, Casper.

Yeah, I know.

So I don't really like it.

You don't?

You're incredibly good at it, though.

I know.

So stop being good at it and people won't ask you to do it anymore.

Nobody's asking me to take out the guards.

I know.

I'm the locked-in-a-room for no reason guy.

How many guards are there?

It looks like just two.

I should be fine.

Try and go easy on them.

Fine.

When do I do it?

He said to wait for the power to go out, but I don't know how that's happening.

Maybe I can convince them to lay down their arms peacefully.

Do you think that'll work?

Sure.

People lay down their arms peacefully all the time.

Okay.

You know what happens before they lay down their arms peacefully?

What?

Tons of violence.

Damn it.

Unless you're the French.

Am I right, everybody?

Seriously, a French joke.

Always make fun of the French.

They're the last acceptable target.

All right, everyone, looking good, looking very formidable.

Let's remember: this man is very dangerous.

Any false moves, and just go ahead and shoot him.

No complaints from me.

Well, well, well.

Life of Midnight Burger, of all the gin joints in all the world.

Earth Portal!

You know, I've had dreams about this place.

Is that right?

Of course.

In my dreams, I'm blowing it up.

Life, as a condition of your surrender, you will be granted one interview live on Earth Portal, after which you will be put into deep cold storage.

Your sentence in deep cold storage will be open-ended you may never be unfrozen do you understand these terms sure do well then are you ready for your close-up oh yeah

it's showtime i mean what am i doing with myself are we seriously doing this right now i'm sorry are you busy

no what am i doing Can you narrow that down for me a little?

I don't know.

I mean, look at me.

I'm indestructible and incredibly incredibly powerful.

Most of the time, I can travel through time and space, and I'm probably immortal.

True.

And not to be that girl, but I look great while I'm doing it too.

These are all true things.

So, what the hell am I doing?

I'm sorry, are you asking me for a raise or something?

No, I'm just saying.

Wait,

what is it?

Someone's trying to open my door.

Is it late?

I don't know.

Hang on.

Hello?

What the fuck?

What is it?

It's Leaf's robot arm.

So, tell me, how'd you lose an arm?

Lost it in a firefight in the Justine Burbank system.

Ooh, rough territory in Justine Burbank.

The roughest?

This was before the embargo, too.

Most people would get a prosthetic or a synthetic.

Not me.

I'd prefer to keep it on naturale.

You're much older than we expected.

Our reports don't have you this old, and they don't have you with one arm.

You saying I'm an imposter?

Would you consent to a DNA scan?

Knock yourself out.

Scanning DNA.

Confirmed.

High-value target 6365.

Leaf of Midnight Burger.

Known aliases.

Leafy.

Leaf Arino.

The Leaf Maester.

Jerry.

Wanted for 359 violations of galactic and systemic laws.

Warning, target highly adept at technological improvisation and deception.

Deep connections to organized crime and terrorist organizations throughout the triad.

Loves cats.

That's quite a rap sheet.

Hearing that, one might think that you turning yourself in as part of some sort of plan.

I admit, there is a frog and the scorpion vibe to all of this.

But what are you gonna do?

Turn me away?

I suppose we could.

No, you couldn't.

It's against policy.

And you and I both know that the TEDs follow the rules.

Nothing wrong with following the rules.

The Ted Empire is the most powerful force in the triad because we follow the rules.

Sounds like you've got some post-hoc ergo propter hoc problems there, buddy.

Excuse me.

After it,

therefore because of it.

Everybody follows the rules and the Ted Empire flourishes and you all say, well,

good thing we followed the rules, completely overlooking the fact that the Tead Empire really flourishes because of the Draconian stranglehold it's had on the triad for generations.

But that's classic Empire building for you.

Law and order at home, total chaos everywhere else.

So his robot arm is autonomous or something?

It keeps scurrying down the hall and then gesturing for me to follow.

So I guess so.

Where are you going?

I don't know.

I don't speak arm.

Where are all the guards?

There's a monitor up here.

I can see him in the lobby.

He's surrendered to the Teds and he's giving a live interview.

All the guards are on him except for the two up here.

He's the distraction.

How are we going to save him after we save her?

No, dude.

Trust the plan, I guess.

Whatever.

If he's the distraction and I'm getting Bert burnt, I guess that makes you the shut up the power guy.

I guess so.

I hope the arm knows where it's going.

Can we get back to me for a second?

X, are you serious?

I'm kind of in crisis here.

X, I cannot believe you're doing some sort of eat, pray, love bullshit while we're in the middle of a dramatic rescue mission.

You know, there are like 19 movies about an android trying to become human, and you picked a shitty Julia Roberts movie.

Sexist Love.

I'm sorry, I can't believe you're doing some sort of ex-Mahina bullshit while we're in the middle of a dramatic rescue mission.

Oh, hey, ex-Mahina.

Look at that.

Very funny.

Hang on.

What is it?

The arm is pointing at an air duct.

Seriously?

We have to go in there.

There's seriously no other way.

Are you talking to Leaf's arm now?

I am.

Let's never speak of this again.

So, I know what we're supposed to be doing right now is talking about what a dangerous criminal you are, but can we dish about Earth for a minute?

Why not?

I'm a big fan.

I was raised on Earth Portal.

Oh, yeah?

What was your first?

The show that really hooked you without a doubt, Florida.

Oh, yeah.

Great stuff.

Is it really like that?

It seems fake.

It definitely seems fake.

But that's all real.

From the mesh t-shirts to the meth labs.

Amazing.

You got some stuff on Earth that's completely manufactured by the Teds.

Competitive yacht racing, the Eurovision Song Contest, John Mayer.

But Florida is 100%

Grade A earth shit.

It's funny you mentioned that.

To hear you tell it you turned to a life of crime after you discovered that the teds were deliberately manipulating events on earth is that right no

that's not quite right explain i discovered that you people were deliberately keeping earth a hot mess

because

it made us more entertaining for the rest of the triad.

Not a good day for your boy.

My first reaction was, hey, I gotta tell people, I gotta let them know it's all a sham.

And that's when it hit me.

That everybody already knew.

That's right.

The only one who wasn't in on the joke was me.

Three

galaxies not caring that one planet was being put through hell on purpose.

To everyone out there, The most important thing was to have something to watch at the end of the day.

I didn't start hating the Ted Empire on that day.

I started hating everybody.

We were suffering

and nobody cared.

Actually, I take that back.

One person cared.

You know, I'm trying to be more of of a yes person these days, but maybe venturing into the heart of darkness to save an old friend of even older leaf is a bit beyond the pitch.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you discussing your feelings during a rescue attempt?

I thought we weren't supposed to do that.

Oh, god damn it.

You know what?

Fine, we're stopping.

Hey, Lefty, hold up for a minute.

We have to help X with her identity crisis.

Oh shit, it actually listened.

What a team player.

Okay.

X,

what's the problem?

Well, now that you've put me on the spot, I can't remember what I was going to say.

Oh my god!

Humans are always at war with death, with helplessness, with loneliness.

And it's when you go to war that you find yourselves.

I can't die.

I can't imagine a situation where I could be helpless.

I may be the most powerful person ever created.

but that can't be meaningless.

Well, it is.

It is meaningless.

Power is meaningless.

People are born into amazing amounts of power for no reason all the time.

They convince themselves that power is purpose, but it's not.

It's just power.

So they use their power to try and get even more power, but that's not purpose.

That's just a game of hungry, hungry motherfucking hippos.

Nothing is born with meaning.

Nothing.

You have to give it meaning.

How do I do that?

Fuck if I know.

Look, how about for now?

It's this:

someone's in trouble.

Let's go get them.

Okay, that'll work for now.

Go shut off the power so I can beat the shit out of these guards.

Okay,

lead on, Robot Arm.

Honey, bunches of votes is the forma perfecta depending on the control families.

Cono juelas crucientes and verdad qual niños les encantas.

Noces y fruta que todos vanadis brutad.

Honey punches devotes para todos.

Toka albener para sabermás.

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What have you got against the TED Empire, Laif?

I mean, I know what you just said, you hate everybody, but let's be honest, you save a lot of your ire for our planet, don't you?

Oh, yeah.

You guys are the worst.

See, but I'm looking around.

I'm seeing planets connected to each other in ways they never would be without the TED tubes.

We made interstellar travel possible.

We paved the roads between planets.

We connected three galaxies for trade, diplomacy, and cultural exchange.

Trade, diplomacy, and cultural exchange.

exchange.

You know every TED says that line when you pull their string.

Am I wrong?

You know what?

Since this is my last hurrah,

I'll admit this to you right now.

The TED Empire is not

all

bad.

Breaking news.

Interstellar travel is great.

I spent my life amongst these stars, sneaking through one of your warp gates with a cheat code.

Look at it in the right light.

My life wouldn't have been possible without the TED Empire.

You're welcome.

But here's where it all comes crashing down.

Nothing

is ever one thing.

The TEDs connected three galaxies to each other.

People stopped wondering if they were alone in the universe.

You guys gave people freedom.

And the only price of freedom was slavery.

The slavery of debt.

The slavery of scarcity.

The slavery of monopoly.

Well, maybe we should just pack up our warp gates and go home then.

You can't.

You and I both know there's no natural resources left on your home planet.

All these star systems where you've got your thumb on the scale.

I wonder if they have any idea that you need them as much as they need you.

I wonder

if they know that

now.

Because you idiots decided to broadcast a live interview on your most popular entertainment channel.

You really think people are gonna listen to a criminal like you?

Oh, hell yeah.

People love criminals.

Okay, this is gonna sound crazy, but I'm beginning to understand what the arm is saying.

What's it saying?

Well, we're in some sort of control room.

There's two levers to pull.

I think I'm supposed to pull one, and Leaf's arm is supposed to pull the other.

And now it's jumping up and down like I just won a round of pictionary, so I'm taking that as confirmation.

Okay, cool.

Let's do this.

Are you in position?

Casper, I've been in position this whole time.

I'm just checking.

Okay,

let's do this, Leaf's Arm.

Three,

two,

one.

Lights out, Ted Empire.

Wow,

that is serious darkness.

X, how's it coming?

Is that.

Are we...

How are we doing?

We're good.

Okay.

I'm assuming she's being held behind these big doors.

Looks like it's can opener time.

How can you see anything?

It's pitch black.

Stop being surprised that I'm I'm an android.

Sorry.

I hope Leif is doing okay.

Hello.

Hello.

Can we get the auxiliary power on, please?

I can't see a thing.

Where is Leif?

Showtime.

He's got a gun.

Okay, Leif's earpiece is back on, and he's apparently making a John Wu film in the lobby.

Yeah, I can hear.

Where are you?

I found her.

I mean, I found a woman with a bunch of tubes sticking out of her, so I either found her or the bride of Frankenstein.

Well, um,

unplug her and throw her over your shoulder.

Looks like Leif's arm is taking me up to the roof.

I guess that's our exit strategy.

Yeah, I don't think I should do that.

Why not?

Because I'm reading the instructions.

Not a lot of time, Eric.

It's okay.

It's only a thousand pages.

Okay.

I'm done.

We have a problem.

What?

She should have woken up when we cut the power.

She's still unconscious.

What does that mean?

It means she doesn't want to come out of it.

Well, tough shit.

Bring her anyway.

I can't.

She has to bring herself out, or she could have permanent brain damage.

Why?

I don't know.

It says so in the instructions.

Well, then what the hell are we supposed to do?

I have.

Hmm.

I have an idea,

but it's a little wacky.

Well, all our lives are in danger, so it's a great time for something wacky.

I'm going to go inside her head.

You can go inside her head?

I've been inside your head more times than you've been inside a bathroom.

Of course, I can.

Well, what are you gonna do in there?

I don't know.

Pull the fire alarm?

Fine.

If this is our only move, then here we go.

I'll be up on the roof with Leaf's arm.

Meet us up there.

Okay.

Mines can be messy places, ex.

Don't get stuck in there.

Don't worry about me.

Okay.

Knock, knock, bird, bird.

Hello?

Bert Bert?

Who are you?

I'm X.

What are you doing here?

I'm here to rescue you.

I find that hard to believe.

Why is that?

Because we're in my head, and that's not where rescue missions happen.

That's a fair point.

So you are a figment figment of my imagination or some new torture device from the Teds.

That's what you are.

I promise I'm not that.

Oh, yeah?

Dazzle me with your backstory then.

What are you?

Hmm.

What?

I've never really had to explain what I am to someone and I'm realizing now how ridiculous it sounds.

Really?

Well, now now you have to tell me.

Okay.

I'm an android that can crawl inside people's heads.

Really?

Well that doesn't sound that ridiculous.

I'm also indestructible and can travel through time and space.

Okay, that's more ridiculous.

I

was created by someone's ex-wife to track her husband down and confront him about leaving her.

Okay, yes, that does sound ridiculous.

Let's see.

Did you ever find him?

Many times, yeah.

And you are somehow here to rescue me.

Which I guess makes it sound even more ridiculous.

Yep.

I really am, though.

How are you going to rescue me?

I don't actually know.

I kind of just jumped into your brain and I'm making it up as I go along.

Okay.

Good luck.

Where are we right now?

Sister?

Childhood home or something?

We're in a scene from a movie.

What movie?

Broadcast news.

It's an Earth movie.

That feels kind of random.

It was the first Earth movie I ever saw.

It made me want to be a journalist.

In this scene, a very qualified journalist is sent home during breaking news because they don't look so good on camera.

So they have to sit on their couch, in their robe, drinking while the world goes on without them.

I think because I'm in this weird purgatory, this is how my brain interprets it.

The most depressing scene from my favorite movie.

Drink?

No, thanks.

More for me then.

Bert Bert,

you're not actually in a scene from your favorite movie.

You're a prisoner of the Teds.

They're using you to spout propaganda all over the place.

Yeah, I know.

So...

So that's bad.

Sure sounds bad.

So

let's get out of here.

Why?

So you can

not be a prisoner anymore?

It's weird that I have to explain this completely overlooking the fact that you have no idea how to get me out of here

what's the point

freedom is good also weird explaining that there's no freedom out there

I fought against the Teds my whole life look where it got me sounds like a frying pan into the fire situation to me

You know, I heard one of your old broadcasts.

You sounded like a very passionate person, not a drinking in your robe on the couch person.

Drinking in your robe on the couch comes for us all one day, kiddo.

You know, things are changing outside your head.

People are starting to rebel against the TEDs.

There's this broadcast called The Under Signal where they talk about it.

The Under Signal has been around since I was a baby.

They never make any difference.

It's the most efficient form of fascism out there.

People can say whatever they want and it doesn't make a difference.

You know, I would kill for the sense of purpose you used to have.

I've been having a hard time finding that for myself.

It's overrated.

Trust me, people let you down.

Civilizations let you down.

Pretty soon you find yourself traveling through a beautiful universe, and all you feel is disappointment.

It's better in here.

At least I don't have to face my failures in here.

I can just sit here on the couch like Albert Brooks in Broadcast News.

Okay,

I'm gonna go with some tough love now, Bert Bert.

Uh-oh.

I doubt you can make it any worse for me.

I have a really unfortunate skill.

Juggling.

You may prefer being stuck in here, but let's see if you prefer being stuck in here with your most significant ex-boyfriend.

What?

Whoa!

Really?

Lafe?

Oh,

old friend.

I get it now.

Whoa!

You fucking bastard.

My most significant ex?

Jesus!

We were never even in a relationship.

I'll tell that to your brain because here I am.

Fine, hold still.

Bert, calm down.

Oh, I hate it when you call me Bert.

Stop throwing things!

There is nothing more infuriating than a good good person who refuses to be good.

So,

you're saying I'm a good person?

Motherfucker!

Berts!

Listen to me!

You've got to get out of here!

You owe it to everybody in the triad!

Don't you lecture me about responsibilities.

Look around!

Look at this place!

This isn't where you belong!

Nobody belongs anywhere.

That's what you always said.

Corks in the ocean, just bobbing around, going with the flow.

That was you.

Tell me one more time about where I belong.

I was wrong, Berts.

I found a place where I belong.

It feels weird to say it, but it's true.

And because of that, I can't leave you someplace where you don't belong.

I don't belong out there.

Everything's moved on without me.

That's That's bullshit, and you know it.

Years of banging my head against the wall, and for what

they turned me into a fucking weather girl.

Bertbert,

I know it sucks.

Look,

forget about all that.

Forget about the Teds, forget about the triad, forget about all of it.

The number one reason you need to get out of here is this:

You've become your worst nightmare.

Me.

Oh, God.

That's right.

Soak it in.

What the fuck?

Any second now, you're going to start collecting baseball cards.

I have to get out of here.

There we go.

How do I get out of here?

Honestly,

I think you just did.

Leaf?

How's it going down here?

Ted Empire,

I am your waiter.

It is time to pay the check.

I am adding a gratuity.

Okay.

Okay.

You know what, Leaf's Arm?

I know the Teds are the bad guys, but looking out over this metropolis, I have to say, they have amazing city planning skills.

I mean, look at that flow of traffic.

It's beautiful.

Casper!

Yeah, we're up here.

I've got her.

Such an MVPX.

I don't feel good at all.

How are we getting out of here?

Well, I don't know.

Leaf's Arm just brought me up to the roof.

Why?

Oh, look at that, a ship.

I know that ship.

I hate that ship.

Rescuees can't be choosers, Bert Bert.

Everybody on board

cannot believe we're actually about to pull this off.

Wait, how are we getting late?

Wave's here?

Not really.

We can't leave without him.

Gonna vomit.

Oh, bathroom's around the corner.

What's her deal?

Oh my god.

There's like a whole thing going on between them.

Oh my god, seriously?

Wait,

where are we going?

Oh, I don't know.

The arm's driving.

Now that was cathartic.

This place looks much better when it's full of holes.

You're out of ammunition, Laif.

Yeah.

All good things come to an end.

So, let's review.

What have you accomplished here today other than destroying our lobby?

I was never one for racking up accomplishments.

Just experiences.

And this

was one hell of an experience.

I'm glad we could oblige.

Any last words before you're frozen in a block of chemical ice?

I

think I'll pass on the deep cold storage if you don't mind.

These boots were made for

Is this the drive-through?

Blafe, let's go!

Looks like my ride's here.

Better luck next time, Teds.

Just a parting thought

all empires last roughly 250 years.

The Ted Empire built its first warp gate 248 years ago.

These next two years are gonna be wild.

Oh my goodness.

That is fantastic television.

All right, people.

I want to see everyone's footage in in the editing bay.

Ratings gold, baby.

He was crawling through the air ducts with your arm.

Amazing.

We were a good team, the arm and I.

Leaf, I don't know who's running the show anymore.

Is it you or the arm?

I don't even know myself.

So I fell ass backwards into a whole lot of backstory when I was in Burt Burt's head, Leif.

What's the hot goss?

Who was Bert Bert?

It's a long and complicated story.

Oh, I've got time.

I'm immortal.

He's 173 years old.

We've got all the time in the world.

Oh, hey, Bert Bert.

I'm done throwing up now.

Congratulations.

Who the fuck are you, people?

Right.

Well, um, we run a diner.

What?

Hard to know where to start with this one.

You're not Leif.

This is Laif's ship, but you're not Laif.

I'm his

dad.

His dad.

Laif was a little occupied, so he gave me the keys to his ship,

and me and my crew came and

got you.

Laif's parents run a food co-op in Eureka, California.

Shit.

I forgot about that memory of yours.

My what?

You know what?

Let's just embrace some honesty here.

All we're doing now is waiting around for a signal from the diner, so let's all gather around the campfire and share some stories.

Hang on!

Avast!

I see the white whale!

Is it the diner?

We found it!

It's great!

What are we talking about?

Outer rim of triangulum.

Weird.

There's nothing out there.

Doesn't matter.

Can we get there in time?

It's going to be tight, but we can make it.

Did you say Outer Rim of Triangulum?

Yeah.

Let me see.

I know where that is.

What's out there?

Wind chimes.

Wind chimes?

Where's your comms terminal?

It's uh.

Never mind.

I know where it is.

What are you doing?

Filing some breaking fucking news.

Lafe, or whoever you are, get us to the outer rim of Triangulum.

The rest of you, start talking.

Can't believe we actually found it.

All right, then.

Who's in the mood for a Monte Cristo?

Midnight Burger is brought to you in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters: Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Cinnamon, The Waiting Pool Pirates, Mel Momberg, Rogue, Justine Burbank, Michael Christian, Jen C, Onyx Rose, Aaron Mitchell, Melvis Gray Mystery, Om Vega, Durkin Dankhill, Ruth McCormick, Stuck in Derplahoma, Diodand, Menlor, Calibri, Hippo, Maloran, Brunmai Salil, Kara, Late Indeed Again, Ian Hertzler, Mother of Thor, Special K, Sarah Bergenholtz, Will Goliou, Nea, Anna, Ben and Jessica, Levi, Dalek Steve, Darcy D, and Existentially Exhausted Bean.

Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens.

Just remember, we're out there, somewhere, looking for you.

We open at six.

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