Dean Delray '5836', Turkish Hair, Dressing Cool | Monday Morning Podcast 4-10-25

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 All right. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
And I'm just checking in on you.

Speaker 1 All right, so look at this. I'm in New York City.
Would you think I wasn't going to find microphones and a camera? Why am I coming at you in a hostile way? You didn't think that.

Speaker 1 You just sat down to watch it. So thank you.
So whenever I have video, that means I have a special guest.

Speaker 1 My special guest this week has a new stand-up special that he shot inside of a mountain, man, called 5936. No, 5836.
Fuck, 5836.

Speaker 1 Mr. Dean Del Rey.

Speaker 3 Oh, God, I miss you, dude. I have not seen you in two fucking months.
It's got to be the longest since I've met you 15, 14 years ago.

Speaker 1 All right, we got to explain. Yeah.
First of all, 5836

Speaker 1 is not a lost Van Hagar album.

Speaker 3 OU-856.

Speaker 1 51-50. Yeah.
It's the amount of times that you've done stand-ups. So you're the only guy I know past like 17 sets who starts counting.
You're like Gene Simmons with pussy. So like, what is it?

Speaker 1 I'm fascinated with this. What is this? So

Speaker 1 this Rainman thing that you do. And how do you keep, like, especially like, you know, if you're here in New York and you do three spots, you're like, oh, fuck, Dean's here.

Speaker 1 And you hang, you have the hang, you chop it up. How are you in your head, like, in your head, like 59, 30, 58, 37,

Speaker 1 58, 37? Like, how do you do that?

Speaker 3 Compute, compute.

Speaker 3 You know, I started writing it down when I started, just in the notes on my phone, because I was thinking, you know, one day I'll write a book and I'll be like, I did comedy for a couple months in 2009.

Speaker 3 Right. And here's where I did it.
And that was the point, you know? And then it just, I just started going and keep going. And I kept putting them in.
It became like a work ethic thing. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Then it became kind of a thing of like, okay, when was the last time I was at this venue? Like, you got Club Sergeant Kenny, he'll be like, last year you opened with

Speaker 3 my kids' joke, you know? But with me, I got to go in and go, okay, I was here two years ago. I can't do any of this stuff.
Let's do this stuff or whatever.

Speaker 3 Or I also have notes in there like bombed like crazy.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I put those those in there man when i fucking bomb i put them in there like went to bed sad yeah i remember i remember i did next morning cereal did not taste as good i saw a robin on a branch picked up my spirits

Speaker 3 i did the garden with you dude set 38.

Speaker 3 i did that garden with you dude and the next day s is like can you come do the brunch show and i was like oh yeah i'm feeling good oh after we did madison square Yeah, you murdered that night.

Speaker 3 And then I go down there fucking noon, they're eating waffles, and she put me on first.

Speaker 1 And you ate your dick.

Speaker 3 Oh, I could see the shadow of her roll through.

Speaker 1 Her little glass of orange juice.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God. They got the waffles, the oja, the fucking mimosas.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, can I tell you something?

Speaker 1 I fucking love those sets. Yeah.
I love having the big thing and then just eating your balls. I've been going to the Comedy Village after

Speaker 1 doing

Speaker 1 the play. Yeah.
So you do the play, and there's this big, like, you know, I mean,

Speaker 1 the cast is crazy good. Yeah.
So even if I'm a little off, it's still murder because everybody else is just like blitzkrieg. Yeah.
So,

Speaker 1 you know, you get like the standing ovation, you do the fucking 28 Broadway bows.

Speaker 1 And it's like, ah, and then you go out and you sign the programs.

Speaker 1 And then I would just fucking go home to my stupid apartment.

Speaker 1 I got this corporate apartment with like no fucking pictures on the wall just sitting in this little white box and i'm like what do i do now like why am i doing this this is weird so what i started to do to take the edge off is i go over to the comedy village you know and i try out bits and uh

Speaker 1 semi-eat it semi-eat it and then also you know i'm going over there and you know i go over there during the week and they'll just be sort of like 20 people scattered amongst like 50 chairs and it's a really nice come down oh yeah yeah and i get to hang with PJ and talk about the old days.

Speaker 1 And I meet some new comics and stuff.

Speaker 1 I actually met this comic that when I was in Paris, you know, I did a show out there, and he, you know, and he's doing what I was, I was trying to do a little bit of my act in French.

Speaker 1 He's over here trying to do his stuff in English. So I ended up, you know, getting to practice a little French with him, hanging out, and then I go home.
Right? Way better. Yeah.
Way better.

Speaker 3 But I do like the quick come down.

Speaker 1 I'm a big believer in

Speaker 1 the big quick come down. You got to shake it off.
Like if you do some fucking huge, ridiculous gig, the worst thing to do is to hang on to it. Yeah.

Speaker 3 That is the worst.

Speaker 1 I actually, yeah, I think that going to some hole in the wall and kind of eating it a little bit,

Speaker 1 you're like, all right, okay, tuxedo's off.

Speaker 1 I'm fucking Bill again. This is just regular.
All right, this is a job. I got to work at this thing.

Speaker 3 It just grounds you right back, especially I'm not the fucking headliner. You're the headliner.
It's your drawing everything. I'm fucking fucking.

Speaker 1 Let me jerk off who goes on last.

Speaker 3 No, no, no.

Speaker 3 So anyway, it's even better to immediately get back into my level, which is a fucking brunch show at the cellar. I like going to the brunch show and eating and not performing.

Speaker 3 Keith saw, I called Keith, I go, man, I just bombed during the brunch show. And he goes, ah, you dummy, you don't do the brunch show.
Everyone knows that. What are you new?

Speaker 1 So that's what I love. That's what I love about that place is everybody knows knows you're going to bomb on that show, and they still mind fuck you when you do.
Like, you're the only guy that did it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Well, let's talk about your special.
Dean

Speaker 1 hit me up and he goes, dude, I want to shoot a special. I'm like, that's fucking great.
And he goes, there's this venue, you know, it's typical Dean. He's like, dude, check it out.
This guy.

Speaker 1 fucking found a cave in the middle of Tennessee and he hollered it out, man, and he built a fucking club in there. And I'm like, what? And you were like, yeah, he said,

Speaker 1 but at that point, they'd only done like music.

Speaker 3 Bluegrass. Never done comedy.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 they shine like the lights up on the rocks above you.

Speaker 1 It smells of sulfur. Yeah.
When you're in there,

Speaker 1 it smelled like the old house I grew up in for a period of time when I was growing up that had water damage in the basement because the foundation was made.

Speaker 3 Buddy moves to the basement. He's like, I got my own room now.
And you get in there and you're like, stinks in here, but we can, you know, party.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No, but and also, yeah, you're like breathing in mold.
But you you know, that, you know, that damp basement smell. That's what it was.
So, anyway, oh my God, I forgot that. We went there.

Speaker 1 We go to do the get. First of all, how did you find out about the is it because you do music and you did you were in a band and all of that stuff that you knew that this place existed?

Speaker 1 Because no comic I knew, I know, knew that that place existed.

Speaker 3 No, I ended up, uh, we talked about it on the last podcast before we launched it.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, am I asking the same question?

Speaker 3 No, no, no, but I'm going to tell the story.

Speaker 1 You tell that story, Dean.

Speaker 3 I ended up interviewing the owner, Todd Mayo, because he wrote a book called The Caveman Chronicles about starting this venue. And then mid-interview, I said, I got to do my special there.

Speaker 3 And he goes, let's do it, man. We've never done comedy.
I'm looking forward to it. And then a month later, me, you, and Marcus Price and Kenny, Clebsota, Kenny, were there.
And nobody had done comedy.

Speaker 3 So there was nobody to call and go, hey, what's it sound like? Do the laughs suck in there?

Speaker 3 whatever we totally fucking rolled the dice and i was just telling the guys outside of the studio if i would have known where the fuck it was i would have been really nervous because it was way out in no man's land yeah it was like fly to nashville and then just drive an hour into the woods i mean it's a mountain yeah or whatever but like i just kept felt feeling like I was in in that movie The Dirty Dozen.

Speaker 1 And you remember when the officers were in like the basement and they were pouring all the gas and dropping all the grenades down? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jim Brown runs and he throws them in.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I felt like I was in there. And then, did they close the door or not? They did close the door.
Yeah, that was a little claustrophobic.

Speaker 3 Yeah, because you're in there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was like, I felt like also like one of those 1950s nuclear fallout shelter, and like, you know, this one town, everybody makes it to the cave, and they close the door, and the whole world ends, and it's just fucking them.

Speaker 1 There was definitely those vibes, which I felt like added to

Speaker 1 the show.

Speaker 1 So I went up and I opened in front of you, and you got to see this thing. It's like, it obviously doesn't look like anybody else is special, and you're killed.
So,

Speaker 1 you know, I'm hoping

Speaker 1 that we can get out here and promote the hell of it. Why am I saying this? We cut that part out.

Speaker 1 Let me do that. I'll have Andrew cut that part out.
I'm literally explaining what we're doing. I'm sorry, dude.
Like, I went to the SNL after party and I stayed up till 4 in the morning.

Speaker 1 I couldn't get to sleep till 4 in the morning last night, so I'm a little fucking out of it here.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 that venue, just being up there, like the second you got on the stage, I felt like,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 those times where you're doing your act, but you're also like taking in the venue, like this is really, this is really cool.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 and then I was, when you were doing your set, you were murdering and I was way,

Speaker 1 you know, towards where the door was like opening and stuff. And I could just tell the way like Marcus was shooting it that it was going to be awesome.

Speaker 1 So, I think that this thing is going to go viral because it doesn't look like anybody else's, uh, anybody else's special.

Speaker 3 Well, the first thing everybody says, and I was a little naive when we shot this thing, thank God I was.

Speaker 3 I was like, oh, yeah, we're going to shop this, and they're going to look at it for one minute and go, what the fuck, and buy it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but you know, they didn't even look at it the days like Netflix, and we couldn't get a callback from netflix we sent them five one-minute clips because we know how add people are just click on this and fucking your bosses will be happy you found this fucking million dollar special that looks like nobody's and it's fucking funny right and we couldn't even so nothing but i think that's a blessing dude oh yeah you remember that documentary where that kid that guy was in a band I think it was that that one about Anvil.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. And how they were just right there and all the bands coming up up that made it were looking at them like those guys are the guys and they just never broke through.

Speaker 1 And they were just talking about the music business. Excuse me.
They were just talking about the music business.

Speaker 1 And the guy said, you know, at the end of the day, he goes, you're better to own something 100%

Speaker 1 and sell 20,000 copies than to not own it at all and sell 20 million. Oh, yeah.
So I think the fact that all of the, for whatever reason, I don't understand like what show business is doing right now.

Speaker 1 Like they're really not buying anything i don't know if they got overextended but i know like these streaming services are like these insatiable behemoths that just need content so i don't understand why they're not necessarily buying the way that they were especially when you hand them something like we make i think it's the fucking tariffs man

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 i'm so glad i'm not watching the news oh my god watching that so anyway But I think what they're going to be ending up doing by being stingy like this now or just whatever punishing us because we went on strike whatever the hell it is that they're doing they're going to create

Speaker 1 like they're setting people free yeah because people need to figure out okay well how do i get my voice out there it's just going to create all these different scenes and like i said dude i think you're going to probably make more money doing it this way because i'm going to promote the hell out of it obviously and uh that's my favorite thing to do is promote comics that i believe in you are one of those guys and uh yeah there's also ageism oh God, big time.

Speaker 3 I was talking to somebody about it and they go,

Speaker 3 ageism in comedy? Is that real? I go, what are you fucking crazy?

Speaker 1 No, you have to be past certain points.

Speaker 3 That's what I said.

Speaker 1 It's show business. It's show business.
You have to be past certain points.

Speaker 1 Or then just the angle of attack, it just gets steeper and steeper. But

Speaker 1 the reality is, and for all you young comics and performers out there, is you never give away your power. You always always know that I have this power, I'm relatable, and just because,

Speaker 1 you know, these bean counters with their algorithms have these things, like there's a million.

Speaker 1 What I did when I was coming up is whatever I was running into, once I went through, that was, I felt was holding me back, whenever I would, I would go through the depression of it.

Speaker 1 And then I would just look at somebody who was in the same boat and made it. I'm like, all right, that's my guy, right? Yeah.
So like I always use the going bald thing.

Speaker 1 And I was just like, oh, fuck, I'm going bald. I wasn't getting work with the full head of red hair.
Everybody wants to give me a fucking Richie Cunningham role. What the fuck?

Speaker 1 And I started losing my hair. And I was like, oh, no, man, this is going to be over.
And then I just went like, no, fuck that. Ed Harris, Yule Brenner.

Speaker 1 And I just started looking at all these bald guys.

Speaker 3 New heroes.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fucking Telly Savalis. And I was just like, those guys made him.
But it was like out of necessity.

Speaker 1 Because if it wasn't, I was just going to be in some fucking comedy condo by myself going bald, wanting to kill myself. So

Speaker 1 this is before, by the way, they had these new Turkish hair systems. Oh, yeah.
Have you, oh, my God.

Speaker 3 We're laughing at that. Like, flights home.
There's like a bunch of people.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. You have to look up.

Speaker 1 Somebody took a picture, and it's like, I think it's so goddamn funny. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And like,

Speaker 1 and it's like classic, the classic thing, like the shame.

Speaker 1 Like, like, you know, people make fun of women with plastic shirts or whatever, but you can fucking go in on a dude with fuck that's covered with the hair. It's fucking

Speaker 1 hilarious. Oh my, and it looks so fucking painful.
Scary, right? Dude, it looks like they put a fucking cheese grater on everybody's fucking head. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they like someone put them in a headlock and just went like that. And they're just, oh, they're all sitting there, like, bandaged, like this mass unit flying home from fucking from war.

Speaker 1 Dude, I get it like, I don't want to out the guy, but like, dude, there's a guy. Oh,

Speaker 3 I know a few guys.

Speaker 1 No, I know. No, this guy is not in show business.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's like a handyman. He like fixes shit, like elevators and stuff.
I know this dude. He's like in his fucking 60s.

Speaker 3 He goes and gets the full hair. He did.
Oh, man.

Speaker 1 No, but it looks great.

Speaker 1 And I got to tell you, he's happy as hell. Yeah.
And he lost some weight and everything, but I'm just sitting there.

Speaker 3 Is he single? Is that why?

Speaker 1 No. Wow.
He did it. He just, he had like, you know, he did like a, it was very female energy.

Speaker 1 Like, I don't like the way I look and i'm gonna change it and i'm gonna live my best life and there's like men doing that right now so i actually felt really good for him but it was also funny to me like why do you need a full head of hair to be in your 60s repairing elevators well some people you want to like have your big wrench and just yeah just waving it back he wants to get a headband some people it doesn't work on him though you see him right and it's like all shitty a year later like it didn't take oh you have to have they worked their way past that yet i don't know because i know a guy that got one like a year ago, and I saw him reading.

Speaker 1 I thought you were going to launch into a song about a guy.

Speaker 3 I know a guy.

Speaker 1 Sounds like people would be vamping underneath.

Speaker 3 I know a guy got some hair plugs.

Speaker 1 Just do this over here. Sponge goes, oh, everybody just got back from Turkey.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you this right now.

Speaker 1 That's going to be a line in a song. Yeah.
But the hair plugs didn't take.

Speaker 1 So we're still stuck in that town going bald at the Duncans.

Speaker 1 Wondering what to do next.

Speaker 3 Bad Springs thing cover bad.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's all Bad Springs thing.

Speaker 3 Get your hair done. Get it done now.
Yeah. Hope it sticks or you'll be.

Speaker 1 And it'll be a metaphor for some sort of like oppression. Yeah.

Speaker 3 What I wanted to say is

Speaker 3 I was never

Speaker 3 delusional about the business. When I started, I was like, I'm just doing this because I always wanted to try comedy.
And then here I am 15 years later.

Speaker 3 And I always tell people the key is don't be bitter because i would meet bitter comics on the way up and they'd be like oh get the fuck out this fucking shit sucks and i'm like you know it sucks selling harleys in the sun in the summer when the guy's like can i see the blue one in the sun again that fucking sucks this is pretty good you know so i look We shot what I consider for me

Speaker 3 one of my favorite, absolutely the favorite thing I've ever done in my life. I look at it and it looks like apocalypse now.

Speaker 3 Are we waiting for brand new to come?

Speaker 1 Oh no, it's going to be great. And I also think that what's funny is you're like,

Speaker 1 this business is always trying to get like, you know, young, beautiful, or whatever, which is great. You know, you want to see movie stars.
Of course.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 there's the other lane, which is like the relatable guy

Speaker 1 that's had to work for everything. And that's the thing about you.
You have had to work for every inch of turf that you've had in here. But

Speaker 1 in this business.

Speaker 3 I love that you recognize that.

Speaker 1 No, I see the guys like Verzi's another guy.

Speaker 1 But when you guys like hit Joe Bartnick, like myself was the same thing. Like, I didn't like, you know, I wasn't the it comic or whatever.
I just, it was just a war of attrition.

Speaker 1 Is that the right word? I always hear that expression. I don't know what that means.
I think just every day I took another.

Speaker 3 you know well you were the teddy savalis was your guy but for me you were my guy because as i toured with you over the years, I remember I told the story many times.

Speaker 3 We were in Nashville, you're doing the rhyming, and I went over and did Zaney's real quick. And you go, Oh, God, I did Zaney's.
It was all these bachelorette parties.

Speaker 3 I called them all cunts, and I thought I was never going to work again. Which they weren't.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they weren't. Which they weren't.
It was my childhood anger. Yeah, and so I mean, they might have been a little cunty, but they weren't cunts.
But I hate to say, some of them must marry them.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know.

Speaker 1 No man's ever gone out and married a cunt. Oh, really?

Speaker 1 I think, no, I'm joking, they have, but I also think a lot of times

Speaker 1 like you not understanding how to take care of a relationship makes you think that the person turned into a cunt. Yeah.
And it's like, no, that's, it's called resentment. Yeah.

Speaker 3 But my thing is, I hear your stories, so it kept me going because you weren't the, it got when I met you, you weren't, I always say you weren't the mighty burr.

Speaker 3 You were doing, you know, potluck down there.

Speaker 1 I was the chugging along

Speaker 1 ginger.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. So it's like, I hear the stories, I listen to them, I keep going, and I go, well, you know, fuck, I remember Burr was telling me this story.
I keep going and keep going.

Speaker 3 And I've already, if it ended tomorrow, look at this fucking run I had of 6,000 shows.

Speaker 1 Well, I always, I feel like everybody in this business, like, if you're here, you're getting this in the business. And then when you get here, you get this, and it's always that.

Speaker 1 And it's just because there are,

Speaker 1 you know, it's a hard business but there are so many people

Speaker 1 i mean look at martin scorsese yeah like they he didn't win an oscar until the departed unbelievable no that's another guy that i looked at it's like i'm gonna sit here and whine i didn't make you know mean streets yeah taxi driver raging bull good fellas all of these movies and have to wait and that that's like 10 20 30 like 30 something years of making

Speaker 3 imagine you're sitting and redefining cinema.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And you're going before he finally gets the thing, right? And then, meanwhile, you know, like everything's the same.

Speaker 1 And then, meanwhile, there's the catchphrase sort of director that, you know, had

Speaker 1 the movie that was about the right subject at the right, like, it's like, you know, threading a needle or whatever. So I'm just looking, going like, all right, there's that.

Speaker 1 You know, and that's just white guys. Forget about fucking racism, sexism, and all of that.
So like, as long as you like look at it that way,

Speaker 1 the pity party ends, and you're like, all right,

Speaker 1 I go.

Speaker 1 Woo-hoo. I tell you, I never sit around and complain, man.

Speaker 3 It's just like, let's write jokes. Let's get, you know, Sarah Silverman once said, stop complaining and be undeniable.
And I took that in. I was like, yeah, man.
Oh, yeah. That's a truth.

Speaker 1 I just worked with her.

Speaker 1 There's this thing coming up on Netflix, Conan O'Brien,

Speaker 1 the Mark Twain Award. I don't know if I'm, I fucked, you fucked those guys.
They always go, don't fucking promote it. What is, I don't understand, what is the problem of saying that it's coming out?

Speaker 3 They want to do it.

Speaker 1 All of these streaming people, they're like, don't say anything about it until April 11th at 11:43.

Speaker 3 I know. Surprise drop collab.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I just feel like they all have like, you know, those old-fashioned things with like those fucking accounting machines where they try to figure out, you know, algorithm.
But

Speaker 1 I think they just want to put out a like a

Speaker 1 focused blast. Maybe that's what it is.
I don't know. Anyway, so we were doing that.
And anyway, Sarah was on

Speaker 1 that show. And like, I've always said this, my, my favorite things are super intelligent people that are silly.
And she's like, she's great. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So I got to sit next to her on sort of the dais thing. She went up, of course, and absolutely murdered.

Speaker 1 That was a fun hang that night.

Speaker 1 And that was definitely one of those nights I was sitting there looking at all the people that were, I mean, it was such an insane level of talent that John Mulaney went on first. Oh,

Speaker 1 I don't know what the other guys were thinking, but I was going like, I can't follow that. He was on, he was on, that guy was unbelievable.

Speaker 1 The first, the first time I saw him was in Zaney's in Chicago. He opened for me, and he was like, I know he's gotten better over the years, but he seemed like from day one, he was that good.

Speaker 1 I remember he had like this poise, like he'd been hosting Letterman for like 30 years, and he was like this 19, 20-year-old kid.

Speaker 1 I was just sitting in the back of the club going like, this might be the biggest no-brainer. This kid's going to make it I've ever seen.

Speaker 1 So, anyway, he went on first, but I did have that moment during that show

Speaker 1 of thinking that I always have that imposter thing, like,

Speaker 1 I get why you're here, I get why you're here, I get why you're here. You know, like, I don't get, you know, like, and then I gotta be like, no, I do deserve to be here.

Speaker 1 I'm not gonna bomb, I'm gonna fucking do this. So, but I think that that's uh

Speaker 1 as long as that doesn't become torturous, I think it's a good thing to, you know,

Speaker 1 feel a little less there.

Speaker 3 you know. It's funny, speaking of Conan, you know, he was the only guy ever to put me on TV.
He gave me my first TV spot. So

Speaker 3 I know he doesn't run his fucking Instagram, but I ghost DM'd it anyway, just sent it out there into the world of like, hey, man, I just want to thank you.

Speaker 3 You were the only guy ever to put me on late night TV, first TV spot ever. I'll never forget it.

Speaker 3 And a special set because I put it, yeah, I put a picture at the beginning of the special of everyone that helped me in my career and all my friends, you, Keith.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's cool.

Speaker 3 So it spins through this amazing thing, the clubs where I worked and

Speaker 3 names on walls and everything. And then Conan was in there, you know, and I just, I wanted to put him in there because that was, that was a fucking insane night for me.

Speaker 3 You know, my mom was still alive. She got to see it.
She showed the neighbors, like, look at he's on TV. And we used to watch Conan, you know, her and I.
And, and so

Speaker 3 I just sent that DM to him you know like whoever whatever assistant runs his account

Speaker 1 I know I don't know I'm bad at those things I don't I don't read all I eventually it just becomes like

Speaker 1 it's like emails I get like anxiety like I used to like not check my emails at all and it got up to the point my account got full when you get over a hundred thousand emails I mean it was like a decade

Speaker 1 of like the only way I would check my emails if somebody said, did you get my email? And I would say, what is your email? And then I would search it and I would get it.

Speaker 3 Dude, sometimes I'll know, but one day.

Speaker 1 And you don't even get it.

Speaker 3 You know, text you.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Yeah, right.
I hate it.

Speaker 1 So one day

Speaker 1 I had

Speaker 1 my assistant came in and I just said, can you do me a favor? I go, what? Can you just delete everything and I'm just going to fucking start over again?

Speaker 1 And she goes, really? I go, yeah. She goes, well, what if I go, I'm never going to find it, whatever it is.
Just get rid of it.

Speaker 1 Dude, and I felt like this lightness, like like I cleaned out my garage or something. So

Speaker 1 this morning I'm taking the train down here, riding the subway down, and I realized I was back up to like 1400. And I'm like, all right, I got to knock it down.

Speaker 1 Like this week, I'm trying to delete 100 emails.

Speaker 3 I do it at the gym. So I'm at the gym on the ellithical and I just are.
The ellithical?

Speaker 1 The elliptical. Oh, yeah, whatever.

Speaker 3 I've been on it for years, and I call it the wrong thing.

Speaker 1 That's the one. Everybody's, oh, walk it at a 45-degree angle on a treadmill.
It just fucking boy. I got to get a sweat going.

Speaker 3 Nope, I got to get it going. But I'll go through it there or long flights, out, out, out, long flights across the states, you know?

Speaker 3 Dump that shit, catch up on emails like, hey, I know this is from a month ago, but I'm on a jet blue flight right now cross country. So you got my attention.

Speaker 1 You sounded, that was like when you said out, out, out. I thought you were counting off that talking head song.
Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.

Speaker 3 God, I love that. Psycho Killer.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So good.
Oh, that's it. Yeah.
Psycho Killer was the same tempo. I've been playing a lot of drums.

Speaker 3 I want to give a shout out real quick to

Speaker 3 Eric McFadden and Kate Vargas

Speaker 3 from Sergeant Splendor for letting me sleep on their couch while I'm here all this week.

Speaker 3 Oh, wow. These guys always, anytime, like, yeah, man, here.
You know, so shout out to them and great fucking band. You would love them.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Yeah.
All right. Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 All right, so we got it. We got to, before before we go yeah we have to dean is also

Speaker 1 um like a fashion plate yeah um so tell me about the jacket is that from the charles lindbergh collection i know you just didn't go to an army navy store and get that that cool jacket where did you get the jacket because the this is the thing about dean is like for all you old heads out there you don't have to dress like a dad Yeah, you can fucking

Speaker 3 you know what I learned that from Mick Jagger when I was touring with the stones, you know when he was touring with the stones.

Speaker 1 We're just gonna throw that in

Speaker 3 28 minutes into the bucket so you have something to say fuck that guy.

Speaker 3 No,

Speaker 1 no, you're a likable guy.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 3 so

Speaker 3 Jagger, my point is if you're an old, there's a guy in my neighborhood, and he's like fucking 75, but he wears sick-ass clothes. So you don't look at him as 75.

Speaker 3 You're not looking at him as he's young, but he's in

Speaker 1 a great energy to put out there. And you know what? And young women smile, they always smile at a fucking old guy.
Yeah, and then he gets to smile, and it makes you feel good. You get

Speaker 1 you get seen.

Speaker 3 The guy that owns the Roxy, he goes to the Laker games, he's dressed so cool. So I used to see Jagger, and he was always in some kind of cool outfit.
So you never went, wow, that dude's fucking old.

Speaker 3 He just, if you dress not cotton dockers, gap dude, and give tap out, you're going to, you know, kind of have a flavor.

Speaker 1 You're going to have a vibe.

Speaker 1 And then people, so then you're like, I can't, if you just go like, you just sort of, you're going to your drab years and you just fucking have a bunch of old clothes on and you don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 If you don't give a fuck, like the world doesn't. Yeah.
So you just, like, I feel like, you know. When you're in like your 70s and 80s, all you want is just somebody to say what's up.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So if you come in, you got a little style, because there's like, you know, this coffee shop, I go down and I have one a day. That's my thing now, right? Only one.
So I get the old man nap in, right?

Speaker 1 There's this older black dude that comes by

Speaker 1 every day, just going to work, dressed to the fucking nines.

Speaker 1 And I was there with a friend of mine. And I go, look at this guy, look at this guy.
Look at this guy coming straight.

Speaker 1 That's how I want to be at his age. He had a hat.
He had two-toned shoes, but he's pulling it off in this cool ass suit, little pocket square or something like that. And he just was like

Speaker 1 walking up the street like, I don't know, you just, you felt good for him. And he was feeling good.
He looked good. He felt good about himself and stuff like that.
So I've been trying,

Speaker 1 you know, lately to

Speaker 1 step, you wouldn't know today, but I try to step it up a little bit as far as

Speaker 3 especially like I'm not a good-looking dude, so you got to have some good clothes.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I'm sitting in the same tree, Dean. Yeah, no,

Speaker 3 dude, we could have a podcast. Two ugly dudes.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't say ugly. I would say like two background dudes.

Speaker 3 Yeah, two background dudes.

Speaker 1 Third special. Third,

Speaker 3 what are those guys called? The extras.

Speaker 1 My name on an ex-special is going to be like, oh, I didn't get one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, you and Leo, when you're that guy, they come in, they pass everything out, and you're like, oh, hey, hey. Oh, that's the worst.
Can you see me? Over here.

Speaker 1 The guy with no vibe. Yep.
All right. Well, we got it.

Speaker 1 Yes, the jacket, and then we got to give the information where to see you special.

Speaker 3 Jacket Ironheart,

Speaker 3 and it's a n1 replica so it's full new york warm with what does n1 mean that's a military it was the n1 model that they wore and it's got real you know muton and wool and this is wax so it's raining or whatever it's like a a fucking winter jacket my only one i own so who makes it ironheart ironheart and you can get it at uh self-edge or i took it the other place standard and strange is that an old down at soho Oh,

Speaker 1 that place.

Speaker 3 Yeah, where you bought the green jacket you never wore.

Speaker 1 I think I can finally fit it. Really? It isn't green.
It's a weird color. It's great.
You got to wear that. Dude, if I can't fit it.
No, I joined this big gay gym, dude. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 It's just wall-to-wall. I wish it was called that.

Speaker 1 It should be called it.

Speaker 1 Oh, the joke I've been doing in my act. It's so.

Speaker 1 My gym's really gay. It's spelled J-I-M.

Speaker 1 Dude, it's like.

Speaker 1 But this is the thing, dude.

Speaker 3 That's dumb good.

Speaker 1 Once you get past the fucking culture shock of that, because dude, it's like

Speaker 1 at the gym, joining like one of these, these big gay fucking New York gyms, is the gay dudes, they're fucking shredded. They don't skip leg day.
Dude,

Speaker 1 because they're trying to appeal to men that are visual. So they're all trying to look like the Calvin Klein underwear fucking dude.

Speaker 1 So you come in there with your dad bod, thinking you look all right. You're like, God damn, I gotta fucking, I gotta step it up here.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Trying trying to get into uh this gay gym shape so i've been eating like salads and shit oh yeah i'm almost i'm almost there i feel so soft now i don't know what happened to him he used to be mean and he was one of us now i am soft now and i like

Speaker 1 i like it you know it's funny too yeah is i love the angry people that still hate women and and like that yell at me and blah blah blah because i don't take it personal it's like dude i get it yeah it's like don't leave me man yeah yeah don't leave me with all that i just always write back you know if i have the time i'll write back and be like listen man i hope you figure your way out of it you know what i mean yeah women are great believe it or not uh if you treat them the same thing yeah if you treat them right or whatever i'll hit them back and go hey i was angry like you and i went for my dreams at 44.

Speaker 3 just go do it

Speaker 1 yes go do it man don't take your anger out on me just go do it yeah yeah there you go there you go wasn't that nice to hear that made me feel good just to hear that uh where can we see uh where can we see your special all right here it is right now.

Speaker 3 You can see it on my Patreon for the next six days, patreon.com slash Dean Del Rey. And then it'll be on YouTube, April 17th on my channel, Dean Del Rey.
Please share it. Give it to everybody.

Speaker 3 Let's see if we can blow it up because I really, really am proud of this special. And I can't thank you enough for, without you, I couldn't have done this.
There's no fucking way.

Speaker 3 No, don't worry about it.

Speaker 3 there would have been an iPhone with Marcus in the back going you sure we can't get like 50 bucks man and a light bulb you know so no I knew Marcus was gonna kill it I knew that you were gonna find the venue and I also knew that it was gonna be different I and and and it's it's uh I'm proud of you dude so you got the new hour ready to go yeah well I got a 30 I want to shoot in Joshua Tree in June that's the new plan oh what okay

Speaker 1 you build in a fucking brand yeah I got to do it

Speaker 3 out at Pappy and here it's just just that old West town, you know, Pioneer Town. Shoot it out there.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm already seeing the opening. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you're going to have fun out there.

Speaker 1 Are you

Speaker 1 coming on a motorcycle car? What vehicle? Not to give away the sequel. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, we'll have to see. But we want to have a bunch of motorcycles.

Speaker 1 That was the perfect fucking answer. Yeah.
We'll have to see. Pique their interest.
Look at you. Understanding show business.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. You want to go get a cup of coffee?

Speaker 3 Yeah, thank you so much.

Speaker 1 All right. Love you, brother.

Speaker 1 Check out 5836. Sam! Yeah.

Speaker 1 Short-term memory is coming back.

Speaker 1 We've already done the play 32 times. What?

Speaker 3 I got to see that, dude. I saw that.
Last play I saw was

Speaker 1 the thing. This is the thing.
It keeps getting more fun. Oh, man.

Speaker 1 I get off on watching

Speaker 1 like Bob, Kieran, Michael. Donald, John, and Howard all do

Speaker 1 something different

Speaker 1 every single night. And I'm like, oh, these guys are like comedians that are always trying out new material, but like they have to do it within the context of these words.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so there's that other challenge of like as a comedian, the challenge is, you know, I got to say something new. But that could make you do it.
But they have to find the new in the same words.

Speaker 1 So it's like more, I find it more challenging. And, you know, I have learned about my brain.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is that if I try too many new things and change the cadence, I go into the white room and I can forget my fucking line. That's happened to me twice.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 Did you forget your line?

Speaker 1 Oh, just completely blank. Whoa.
But it's funny. Oh, yeah.
Because your scene partner helps you out.

Speaker 3 Do you say it there like, fuck?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no. You just sort of, you improv back and forth, and then they feed you a line to get you back on.
No, and the crowd never notices. It's great.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know, I went to, I was telling this story on my podcast. I was talking to somebody that was in one of those musical music, and she was singing a song.

Speaker 1 And she goes, dude, I've done the show like fucking, you know, 200 times. Yeah.
And I'm up there and I'm just sort of drifting, thinking about my day. And then she goes, I just go fucking blank.

Speaker 1 She goes, I have no idea what I'm singing about.

Speaker 3 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 But she had like background singers and she just sort of started vamping. I think she said it, she goes, I almost sounded like I was.
Trying to speak Chinese.

Speaker 1 And then she tried to make the noise of like the microphone like cutting in and out, like going like that with like her voice. And she was like mortified.
And she went like after the show friends.

Speaker 1 Oh, that was great. She goes, what do you mean that was great? I totally forgot that second verse.
I was like, oh, you did? Oh, I didn't notice.

Speaker 3 Yeah, they were checked out too.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. It's just like there's a lot going on or whatever.
And then the thing is, if you just don't go, like, oh, my God, I don't know.

Speaker 1 You can play it off. And then what happens is when your scene's over and you get off the stage, you and the other actor just start fucking laughing

Speaker 1 your ass off. And you go, I'm sorry about that.
So they're just like, dude, you're going to do that for me. So you're kind of there for each other.

Speaker 1 It's really,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 not just, I don't think as a comedian, like, I think that we get real, like, oh, fuck, I only hang out with comedians and, like, I'm going to get into this actory world. Right.

Speaker 1 And this is going to be this different thing. And I'm going to feel weird and not comfortable in it.
It isn't that. It's really.
Oh, speaking of which, I saw that

Speaker 1 Good Night and Good Luck,

Speaker 1 the George Clooney play, which was amazing. Fucking amazing.
The set was like breathtaking. And all the actors killed it.
The story, very relevant, obviously, for today. And

Speaker 1 Alana Glazier was in it. Oh, yeah.
So, I think.

Speaker 3 I'm so proud of you, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 When I was watching her, I was proud of her. I was like, look at those fucking comedians getting in here on some of this Broadway stuff.

Speaker 3 I can look at you and I just go like, God damn, man, that is my brother killing it in the industry. You know, I was talking to somebody.

Speaker 1 Outskirts.

Speaker 1 Still on the outskirts.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but here's the thing. It's like.

Speaker 1 Hey, we're not doing this. This is about you.

Speaker 3 I know, but keep it on you. I just wanted to, you know, just, I thought about it and I was like, this is mind-boggling.
You know, it's just unreal and so fucking cool. You know?

Speaker 1 Hey, dude, I'm a fucking 33-year-old, a 33-year overnight success. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 anyways, that is the podcast. Check out 5836.

Speaker 3 April 17th.

Speaker 1 April 17th. YouTube.

Speaker 3 Yep, YouTube. Patreon right now.
You can buy it on Patreon.

Speaker 3 Patreon.com slash Dean Del Ray.

Speaker 3 And once again, thank you so much.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no worries, dude. We're going to blow this thing up.

Speaker 3 Fucking amazing.

Speaker 1 Go out there, get some money. Oh, man.
Go buy some motorcycles.

Speaker 1 All right. Thank you for watching, everybody.
Listen to the music and the bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts.

Speaker 1 Lat them up.

Speaker 4 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 10th, 2017.
What's going on? How is you?

Speaker 4 How's it going, everybody? Are you doing good? I apologize that the podcast podcast is late. I apologize that it's late.
I was flying back from San Antonio.

Speaker 4 I meant to do it yesterday, but I was doing a tour of San Antonio, and the day got away from me. You know, I was going all around San Antonio.
I went out to Jeff Riders' drum shop.

Speaker 4 I got some Mexican food around the corner that was fucking delicious.

Speaker 4 I forget the name of that place, but it's going to be on the video. Then I went down to the river walk and over to the stupid fucking Alamo.

Speaker 4 Jesus Christ, just crawling with fucking tourists, reenactors,

Speaker 4 all kinds of magnets and shit.

Speaker 4 And I just was like, you know, every time I go to San Antonio, I was like, I'm going to fucking go in there and I'm going to read up on all these guys who fought to the last guy.

Speaker 4 I'm going to read up on every time I get there. There's like 9,000 people in jean shorts.
There's a fucking gift shop. And I just say, forget it.
I felt bad about it.

Speaker 4 Like, hey, what are you not patriotic there, Bill?

Speaker 4 You know?

Speaker 4 But then I ran to somebody from San Antonio. I go, you ever go into to this thing? They go, no, we live here.
And I was like, oh, I get it. No, I get it.

Speaker 4 The Alamo is your Times Square. Like, nobody in New York goes to Times Square.

Speaker 4 Okay? Nobody in LA goes to fucking Disneyland or fucking Universal. Unless you have kids, but I mean, just as an adult, you're not just going to fucking go there.

Speaker 4 You don't stand in line in your own fucking town, okay?

Speaker 4 One of the advantages of it being your own fucking town is you don't have to stand in line with everybody else because you know all the spots. You know where to go.
You know where not to go.

Speaker 4 And when you're in San Antonio, where not to go is to fucking Alamo unless you're a goddamn tourist. Then you go in there.

Speaker 4 And then you're going to go over to the river walk, which is actually for a touristy thing was very nice. That man-made river, I got to tell you something.
That's the first time I walked down it.

Speaker 4 I liked it. I really enjoyed it.
There was a bunch of people standing outside, getting their little hustle going on, trying to get you to go in and drink a margarita. Right?

Speaker 4 All kinds of wacky people wearing hats, people driving by on the little gondolas. You know, it was like you were in Venice, but it was Texas, right? Their little slice of fucking Italy,

Speaker 4 you know? And then right around the corner was the majestic theater.

Speaker 4 Very ornate. The word only used to describe a theater.
Very ornate. Hey, my buddy redid his garage.
Oh, it's beautiful. It's so ornate.
Nobody ever says that, right? They call it a fucking man cave.

Speaker 4 Okay, so the man caves for fucking, you know, the Twinkle Toes there, the Broadway stars are these theaters. And this thing had like, I mean, it had like fucking houses and shit.

Speaker 4 Look at some Peter Pan stuff.

Speaker 4 It was amazing.

Speaker 4 And evidently, while I was on stage, there was a bat flying around that went past me.

Speaker 4 And aside the fact that it was a bat, like, nobody even reacted. They're so used to bats down there.
Evidently, they kill all the fucking mosquitoes or enough of them. You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 So, people in San Antonio, evidently cool with bats. I don't know, but I had two great shows.
The first show went awesome, and the second show was just fucking next level.

Speaker 4 And I actually texted my agent, I was like, the hour's ready. And he was like, Really? And I'm like, yes.
So let's fill up the calendar there. Fucko.
No.

Speaker 4 That's not how I talk to my agent.

Speaker 4 I go, let's fill up the, you know, let's fill up the fucking calendar. So his mission, should he choose to accept it, he's going to fill up my calendar.

Speaker 4 And then, and I gave him the list of the eight teams that I have left that I need to go see.

Speaker 4 All right?

Speaker 4 So if you're on this list, I'll be doing a show at some point within the next fucking year because I'm knocking these out in the next year before my daughter starts walking and talking and doing all that stuff.

Speaker 4 I got to knock this out.

Speaker 4 So I need the Toronto Raptors, the Ottawa Senators,

Speaker 4 who are playing my Boston Bruins in the first round of the playoffs. Congratulations to both teams making the playoffs.
That's a big deal. Playoffs.
Oh, wait, no, no, no. Wait, are we playing them?

Speaker 4 I think we are playing them, which makes no fucking sense to me. Fucking hockey.

Speaker 4 If we're like the eighth seed, shouldn't we play the Capitals?

Speaker 4 Shouldn't the Capitals be rewarded that they won their fucking division rather than having to play the fucking Penguins and then they knock one another out and all we got to do is try to get past the senators?

Speaker 4 No disrespect, but disrespect intended. No, I'm just being honest.
All right, let's check this shit out right now, okay? You know this isn't going to work. You know it's not.

Speaker 4 You know I'm going to be on the wrong fucking one. The Boston Celtics are a second seed.

Speaker 4 They're a fucking second seed there. All right.
Hang on a second.

Speaker 4 NHL playoff

Speaker 4 bracket. All right, here we go.
NFL, NHL fucking playoff bracket.

Speaker 4 All right, yes, this is what the fuck I want. You're going to make me click on it again.
I typed what I wanted, and then you're like, is this what you want? Yes, this is. This is what I want.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 4 The Rangers are versus Canadians. The Bruins get the Senators.
I don't get it. Capitals get the Maple Leafs.
Okay, all right, all right, all right. I thought, and then, oh, there's a good one.

Speaker 4 Columbus versus the Penguins. That, oh, there's a good one.
Nashville Predators made the playoffs playing the Blackhawks. Minnesota Wild versus St.
Louis Blues.

Speaker 4 Anaheim Ducks versus the Calgary Flames and the San Jose Shacks versus Edmonton Oilers.

Speaker 4 Here we go.

Speaker 4 Brad Marchand is back and all of that shit. So anyways, yeah, I got to get the Toronto Raptors, Raptors, Ottawa Senators.
I got to get the Brooklyn Nets.

Speaker 4 I've already seen the New Jersey Nets, but my rule is: if you get a new stadium, I don't give a fuck. I'll eventually see it.
But if you move to a new city,

Speaker 4 especially a state,

Speaker 4 you know,

Speaker 4 then, yeah, I got to go fucking see it again. All right? I need the Carolina Hurricanes, Orlando Magic, Tampa Bay Buccaneers,

Speaker 4 the Memphis Grizzlies,

Speaker 4 and the New Orleans Pelicans.

Speaker 4 So there you go. So I'm going to try to get, you know, I'll probably do the Canadian ones at the same trip, and I'll try to do the fucking

Speaker 4 Orlando, Tampa at the same time. Then I think I'm going to do a bus trip to knock out those fucking three.

Speaker 4 Carolina, fucking Memphis, and New Orleans. I think that that's what I'm going to do.
And then I'll be done. And then what will you do, Bill? Well, you know what I'll do?

Speaker 4 I'll move on to fucking college. All right?

Speaker 4 Because the day I go out on the road and I don't have something to fucking look forward to and I just sit in the goddamn hotel waiting for the show, that's it. I'm going to dry up.

Speaker 4 You hear me? Dry up!

Speaker 4 So, anyways, I got Boise coming up, and I just got an email from the theater via my agent saying, hey, we've been watching these videos, seeing Bill likes to play the drums.

Speaker 4 What if we rented a drum kit and put it in the theater during the day? And if Bill wants to play during the day, he can come in and play for like an hour. How fucking great is that?

Speaker 4 It's the coolest thing ever.

Speaker 4 I might put that on my fucking rider. I don't give a shit how much it costs because this is the thing.
They always say, hey, we'll do that for you.

Speaker 4 And then they just, you know, they pay me less money.

Speaker 4 That's how it works. Now, god damn it, this isn't in fucking stereo.
I just realized it.

Speaker 4 Wait a sec, wait a second. She,

Speaker 4 let me see something.

Speaker 4 There we go. Oh, you fucking son of a bitch.

Speaker 4 That's not it. How do I get this thing in stereo?

Speaker 4 You know, this is just one of these fucking days, isn't it? Isn't this just one of these days? Now I'm just going to push buttons. What's going on? There it is.
Now it's in stereo. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 4 I thought there was something wrong with the wire. My fault.
Well, you had to suffer for 753. I'll let you know, I'll just say that it isn't, you know.
You know something?

Speaker 4 You know what's great about it? It'll give you something to complain about, you know, unless the great Andrew Themelis fixes the fucking thing. I don't know.
Anyways,

Speaker 4 plowing ahead here.

Speaker 4 So what else? Okay, so I went down there and

Speaker 4 I saw a lot of San Antonio this time. Like I said, I had great fucking shows.
You know what? Who's kidding who?

Speaker 4 I completely lost my train of thought because now I'm fucking mad at myself. Why didn't I think to just fucking push that button?

Speaker 4 I merely thought it was the wire. I troubleshoot it.

Speaker 4 I never knowingly lied about the wire.

Speaker 4 All right. So now I know what you guys are thinking.
Hey, Bill, you know, you said that you were going to watch some alternative sports this weekend.

Speaker 4 You said you were going to watch the Masters, the Moto GP,

Speaker 4 and fucking Formula One. Well, old fucking Billy freckled face, the fat-titted, no-glute-haven, fucking cunt.
I did two out of three.

Speaker 4 I watched the Moto GP. You know what's hilarious? I didn't realize that there were two undercard motorcycle races.
And I'm sitting there going, like, this fucking race is only 20 laps?

Speaker 4 What's going on here, right? The first one was the GP3,

Speaker 4 then, or something, the Moto3, then the Moto 2,

Speaker 4 and then there was the last one. So I kind of fast-forwarded through the first two, and then

Speaker 4 I watched the whole Moto GP,

Speaker 4 the real fucking one. And congratulations to, I don't even know how to say this guy's name, Maverick Vinales.

Speaker 4 You know?

Speaker 4 I saw that Mark Markenberg, whatever his fucking name is, he was cruising around, and all of a sudden he just didn't make this turn, and he was very upset with himself.

Speaker 4 What's his name? Mark Menendez? That's not who it is. That's a guy who killed his fucking

Speaker 4 when he killed his parents. I don't know what happened.
And then Valentino Rossi came in second. And both of them, they seemed very excited about that.
You know what I mean? They got some points.

Speaker 4 They felt good about themselves. And I got to tell you something, man.
Those fucking guys, and you got to check out the MotoGP.

Speaker 4 It's unfucking. The amount of crashes.
That I saw in all three of those races.

Speaker 4 There was one guy. He was going through the turn.
He started to to accelerate and the back end kind of kicked a little bit. So he got off it.

Speaker 4 Then he got back on it and the fucking goddamn bike had a head of seizure.

Speaker 4 Fucking did a couple little S's and then just like started flipping over and then the guy of course he flies off the damn thing. It hits him in the back of the head.

Speaker 4 It amazes me that they get back up again. Those suits they have are incredible.

Speaker 4 They got little airbags in them and shit, but still they always end up fucking up their hands or their ankles or something like that.

Speaker 4 But this guy kind of highsided on it, which is basically, basically, you know, if you're a novice like me, when they just sort of lay it down and the bike starts sliding and you just kind of touch the ground and slide with the fucking thing, high-siding is when it hits the ground and you fucking catapult over the top of it, the high side of it.

Speaker 4 And that's when you get seems to me, that's when you get fucking hurt.

Speaker 4 It's ridiculous. They're going like 200 miles an hour in something that you can just fall off of.

Speaker 4 But I enjoyed the race immensely. I enjoyed that race as much as you guys probably didn't enjoy the first seven minutes, 53 seconds of fucking no stereo on this.

Speaker 4 And then I watched the Masters too, and I could not be happier for Sergio Garcia.

Speaker 4 I mean, I just, you know, it's one of the things about being at his level when you go that long without winning is that

Speaker 4 it gives every mouth-breathing Hagga-Das eating fucking douchebag who never achieved anything the right to walk up to you and start telling you about how you can't get it done. You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 Sitting there wearing a wife beater with your flabby grandmother fucking arms, you know,

Speaker 4 just giving this guy shit. When he missed that one on 18, I was like, oh, God.

Speaker 4 Oh, boy, here we go. Here we go.
Shades of Kenny Perry. Is this what we're going to see again?

Speaker 4 And actually, every year when I watch the Masters, you know, I don't watch it every year, I shouldn't say that, but every time I watch it, somebody always folds in the back nine, and I actually get mad at the tournament.

Speaker 4 I always end up, you know. I was actually texting my, I was texting

Speaker 4 Court who did the live

Speaker 4 final day of the Masters, and I was just like, dude, can somebody just win this fucking event? Does anybody ever just win the Masters?

Speaker 4 No one ever wins the Masters. Somebody fucking loses it every year, and you just have to watch somebody.
Like a buddy of mine tested me, texted me,

Speaker 4 texted me and said,

Speaker 4 if Sergio doesn't win this playoff, he said that

Speaker 4 putt will haunt him.

Speaker 4 It's like, no, it won't. It will, but you know what's going to haunt him? Is every Cheesecake Factory eating douchebag walking up to him?

Speaker 4 Hey, you remember that time you missed that putt?

Speaker 4 You know, giving him shit, right? Not realizing that that missed putt is a fucking metaphor for the other person's entire goddamn existence. This guy's played in over 70-something majors.

Speaker 4 So, anyways, just like watching Phil Mickelson win it way back in the day in like 04, it was so great to watch him get the monkey off his back. So, congratulations to him

Speaker 4 winning the most difficult activity known to man, playing the non-sport that is golf.

Speaker 4 You know, I still had to give it shit, right?

Speaker 4 It's such a, I know it's such a, dude, it's so hard. It's such, it's a fucking mind fuck.

Speaker 4 I get it.

Speaker 4 I get it, but I would rather have to do that than face a fucking roided up.

Speaker 4 Well, he never got convicted, so

Speaker 4 Carjerk Remons right

Speaker 4 Roger Lemons right I wouldn't want that guy throwing half a fucking bat at me

Speaker 4 you know just muttering explicatives as I walk up to the plate like I would much rather have to try to sink a fucking three footer

Speaker 4 than some fucking roided up maniac on the goddamn mound Who can't admit that his fucking career is over, so he's got to go out and take some fucking horse tranquilizers. Not saying that he did it,

Speaker 4 and you know what? If he did, God bless him. God bless him that he did.

Speaker 4 I am so fucking, I told you, I'm pro-steroids, dude. I'm fucking pretty.
Everybody should get on them.

Speaker 4 You know?

Speaker 4 I want every fucking athlete on steroids, okay?

Speaker 4 And then the doctors can look at you and see what the side effects are, and they can gradually make them better and better and better and better until it's like vaporized weed.

Speaker 4 You know, you just have like a steroid mist. And me with my fucked up shoulder, you you know what I mean? I'll just come in and just walk into the doctor's office.

Speaker 4 You know, they'll put a fucking hot towel over my head like I have hay fever and then they'll just have me breathe in steroids.

Speaker 4 I'll walk out. I'll have glutes again.
After 20 years of sitting on my ass in planes and rental cars, my fucking glutes will come back.

Speaker 4 They're just like non-existent. I don't know what happened.
I just fucking like, you know, like when you're going to make something and you got to pound out like a fucking chicken breast?

Speaker 4 Yeah, that's what my fucking ass is is like after years of being on a plane. So

Speaker 4 I actually made my way across to the gym when I was in San Antonio to their sister property.

Speaker 4 Sister property? You mean the other hotel?

Speaker 4 Fucking weirdos. Anyways, and I went in there.
I did the elliptical for about 40 minutes and then I just did a fucking for me

Speaker 4 for me I did a savage fucking leg workout. And now I you know, I know you guys are all thinking, well, well, what did you do, Bill? All right, this is what I did.
I had the exercise ball.

Speaker 4 I put it on the fucking wall between me and my back.

Speaker 4 And then I would just roll down with that, you know, so I could keep my back nice and straight and my weight on my heels, pushing through my heels to engage my veal fucking buttocks.

Speaker 4 Then what did I do? I did hip thrusts after that, you know.

Speaker 4 Then I did

Speaker 4 some calf raises.

Speaker 4 Then I did the classic, you know, the things you sit down where you do the front parts of your quads and then the other ones you stick them and you fucking go the other way.

Speaker 4 You do the back part of your legs. And then I got on the squat machine.

Speaker 4 I don't like the one that you stand up on. I like the one that you sit down on.
I feel like you can go deeper. You don't have to worry about your fucking back.

Speaker 4 And I did that. I did fucking three sets of all of that shit.
And this morning, my legs were definitely killing me.

Speaker 4 So that's a new part of my workout, okay? That's what I'm doing. But I don't have all those leg machines when I'm here.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 And my shoulder's fucked up, so I'm not putting a barbell on my back with a bunch of fucking weight, okay? I will just, I will choose to do more squats without any weight because I am an old man.

Speaker 4 But I swear to God,

Speaker 4 I swear to God, man.

Speaker 4 Those fucking athletes, man, they got to keep taking steroids, you know? Just like the singers, you know, a singer can't sing a song, what do they do?

Speaker 4 Give her a little bit of fucking steroids right in her throat. Give her throat the old right there, Fred.
And what happens? She fucking

Speaker 4 goes out there and starts singing a song.

Speaker 4 She makes it simple. And you know what? And it lasts the whole night long.
Sorry.

Speaker 4 And then lastly, for alternative sports,

Speaker 4 I thought I'd take the fucking Formula One race in Shanghai, China, and I didn't. Fucking pisses me off.
So all I did was I just watched the highlights. So

Speaker 4 congratulations to Lewis Hamilton. Him and the guy who won the Australia, they came in one and two, and now they just flip.
So they're tied with 43 points. The fuck's his name.
I should know his name.

Speaker 4 He only won a goddamn race, right?

Speaker 4 That's all, right?

Speaker 4 Sebastian Vettel for the Ferrari team. They're tied at 43.

Speaker 4 And Max Verstappen is 25th. 25 points, I'm sorry, in third place.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 fucking Ricky Rocket is in fifth place.

Speaker 4 Kimmy

Speaker 4 Reikinen. Now, he's not the guy I called.
Who's the guy I called fucking Ricky Rocket? Nico Rosberg. Is that it? No, Nico Rosberg fucking retired.
I don't fucking know.

Speaker 4 There's too many goddamn sports going around in my head now. Anyways, the playoffs in NHL stat.
We're playing Ottawa. I like our goddamn chances.

Speaker 4 I heard their defense is a little banged up, according to Joe Bartnick on the Puck Off podcast. I'll be watching all of those.
I'll be tweeting.

Speaker 4 I'll be fucking Facebook, and I won't be doing any of that shit, but maybe I will.

Speaker 4 So, anyways, I ate pretty good when I was on the road, and I also ate kind of bad. You know, I had that Mexican food, and it was just fucking, you know.

Speaker 4 I I used to, you know, I used to always make fun, in the tour, I was making fun of like Mexican food as far as like, you know, the refried beans and the rice that they put on the plate.

Speaker 4 And I was just like, you know what this shit is? This is Mexico's version of coleslaw. You know what coleslaw? Like, most people don't take it seriously.
It's basically a plate filler.

Speaker 4 You know, you got your piece of meat, you got your vegetable, and then they just throw that shit there just so the plate doesn't look naked. You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 Oh, wow, look at this big plate of food I got. Nah, nah, nah.
That's like more than 60% rice and beans. I didn't get it.
All right. Then once I understand, no, you mix all that shit in together.

Speaker 4 You grab one of those little fucking round pieces of bread, whatever the fuck you call it, and you put it on there, you know, a little bit of hot sauce. It's delicious.

Speaker 4 You got a little bean and rice fucking fucking thing there. Thing of a jig.

Speaker 4 Sorry, I'm white. I don't know.
I'll learn it. I've only been out in LA for 10 years.
At some point, I'll learn it. Was that a tostada?

Speaker 4 I know what an enchilada is.

Speaker 4 I know what a crispy taco is. She said, crispy or puffy.

Speaker 4 Never heard puffy before.

Speaker 4 I always go crispy. You know what I mean? But the crispy tacos,

Speaker 4 it's only good on the first bite because then the whole fucking thing falls apart. You know what I mean? It's like an old person's hip.

Speaker 4 You barely touch it, and the whole thing just cracks and it doesn't work anymore. So you kind of got to go soft taco, right?

Speaker 4 The flaccid taco.

Speaker 4 All right, I'm sorry. But then if you mix the beans and rice in there, all I can say, it was goddamn delicious.
Let me do a little bit of advertising here.

Speaker 4 A little ads here

Speaker 4 for the week here.

Speaker 4 What am I doing here? Come on.

Speaker 4 Do I want this computer to work right for now? Okay. Oh, here we go.
Oh, our old friends here. First read of the week, old zip.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I flew for the first time. I went up with an instructor, and holy shit.

Speaker 4 Anybody out there who flies helicopters, I mean, geez, I missed the fucking pad when I was coming in. I mean, I missed it by probably 60 yards, just coming in way too fast.

Speaker 4 I was like, I got it, I got settling with power. Fuck this.
I just kind of continued on past it like you're supposed to, came back around. The next time, you know, I came up a little short.

Speaker 4 Took me about, I don't know, 26 goes around until I was starting to feel it again. And it was funny.
Like my fourth time, I just flew the traffic pattern. down there at Long Beach.
And

Speaker 4 my fourth time around,

Speaker 4 I was turning to go downwind, and I just started laughing. And my instructor started laughing too because he knew I was laughing.
I was just like, this is fucking awesome. It's just fucking

Speaker 4 awesome. And it just totally relit the fire in me to go do it.
And I'm going to try and fly again before the end of the month.

Speaker 4 So if I can just kind of fly like once every 10 days or something while I'm getting the little one going, you know,

Speaker 4 I would be very happy with that.

Speaker 4 It was such an accomplishment in my life to get my pilot's license. I I would hate to just not do it and forget how to do it.
It's so much fucking fun. And it's really safe.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 If you just do what they say, the way they maintain them. I know everybody always tries to freak out, but

Speaker 4 they're always freaking

Speaker 4 freaking me out. Like, dude, be careful up there.
Be careful. Oh, yeah, okay.
I was going to fly with the blindfold.

Speaker 4 But I get it. I get it.
Anyways,

Speaker 4 let's plow ahead here.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah. So I ended up.

Speaker 4 You know what? I can't plow ahead here because I was going to start doing the reads and I'm only at 28 minutes, so I need to run my yap a little bit longer. So,

Speaker 4 yeah, I think we flew the TAF traffic pattern for just like a little over an hour. I got a 1.1 on the Hobbs meter and didn't do any autos.

Speaker 4 It was just all low approach, you know, normal approach, steep approach. That's all I was doing.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 it was fun flying the 22, which is my, that's my favorite one. Even though the 44 is cool, you know, it's a nicer one.
I just love the.

Speaker 4 The 22 is like driving an old sports car with no power windows, no power steering, fucking drum brakes. I always just, with that one, it's just like, whatever it's doing, I'm actually doing it.

Speaker 4 I heard on some of those high-end helicopters,

Speaker 4 if you want to hover, you just push a button, and it just does it for you.

Speaker 4 That's the one you get when you get older. You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 I don't want to shit here, draw it on a dime.

Speaker 4 All right, you know what? I'm just going to start reading these fucking, readings. I'm going to start doing the reads here for the week.

Speaker 4 Oh, by the way, what's the deal with all the haunted houses in San Antonio? You know, it was the usual stuff as far as

Speaker 4 Texas goes. Texas is the king of the shiny four-door pickup truck that's never seen a construction site or off-road.

Speaker 4 In Texas, that's a four-door sedan. And I'll tell you, they got some fucking nice ones.
I saw a guy pull up in a Ford F-150 four-door, it's got giant tires on it.

Speaker 4 This old fucking guy, big white cowboy hat, big fucking belt buckle, and white cowboy boots. I was just like, ah, this is just, you know, as a tourist, it's like, that's what the fuck I wanted to see.

Speaker 4 Now I can say I went to Texas, you know what I mean? I don't want to see somebody looking at their fucking iPhone. I can do that out here.
All right, update: Psycho from Yogurt Shop video.

Speaker 4 All right, Bill, turns out that nut job, I don't even remember this,

Speaker 4 who was accosting the couple, oh, oh, oh, that's right. This goes back to like

Speaker 4 a couple podcasts ago where there was this woman who was trashing these two people for kissing in public,

Speaker 4 saying that it was sexual harassment and all of that type of stuff. And I kind of agreed with her on a level.
I just, I hate watching people kiss in public. You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 Give each other a quick peck, you know, going for one real one if you want to, but then just keep it moving. You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 To literally sit there, take it to the point where her pussy's getting wet and your dick starts standing up. It's like, what do you do? Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 4 It's gross.

Speaker 4 All over each other. I fucking can't stand it.
I don't like it in movies. You know,

Speaker 4 it's disgusting.

Speaker 4 Anyways,

Speaker 4 so here's an update. So this lady flipped out and was yelling at them and, you know, I don't know, gonna call the cops.
I couldn't get through the whole thing because she looked like she was a little,

Speaker 4 you know, had some mental issues going on. Something was going on.
Or she was extremely lonely or somebody filled her up with Jesus. I don't know what happened.

Speaker 4 Anyways, Bill, turns out that nut job who was accosting the couple at the yogurt shop is an amateur porn actress.

Speaker 4 Yeah, boy. And witnesses say that the guy only kissed his girlfriend on the forehead, no lip service.
Oh, all right, my fault. And it wasn't the first time she's yelled at people in public.

Speaker 4 It took the internet like half a day to get to the bottom of it. Oh, that's too bad.

Speaker 4 Ah, that's too bad. You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 You know what's weird about watching porn? As much as you watch it, you know nobody wants to do it.

Speaker 4 Nope, that was not a fucking job.

Speaker 4 All right, let me read this here. Go to the page.

Speaker 4 Go to the page. That's what I sage.

Speaker 4 All right, here we go. Is it going to come up for me?

Speaker 4 Viral video of meltdown over four. How exactly did they figure out who she was? How does the internet get to the bottom of all of this stuff?

Speaker 4 Alright, here we go. Recently, a viral video, a video went viral, having a meltdown over a forehead kiss.

Speaker 4 Yeah, this all happened at a Santa Monica restaurant.

Speaker 4 It goes so far to believe that the woman is something, something, and she seems screaming.

Speaker 4 Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, come on, man.

Speaker 4 It's not enough. It's not enough.
She made an ass of herself. We got to take it.
I don't want to fucking know about this person. I feel bad for her.
I hope she turns a life around. All right.
Update.

Speaker 4 Great Barrier Reef. It's time for another update.
Sounds like your skepticism of the reports that it ain't all that bad was warranted. All right.
The Great Barrier Reef. Yeah, this is more shit.

Speaker 4 I don't want to read about fucking

Speaker 4 people who've gone crazy doing porn, and I don't read about the fucking Great Barrier Reef dying. What are you guys doing to me?

Speaker 4 I got another fucking 27 minutes to go.

Speaker 4 Oh my god, is this the holy shit? Okay, Great Barrier Reef at terminal stage.

Speaker 4 Scientists despair at latest coral bleaching data.

Speaker 4 Australia's politicians have betrayed the reef and only the people can save it.

Speaker 4 I should read this because maybe, I don't know, maybe they can turn it around. Because there are uplifting stories about nature out there, you know, where certain species are making a big comeback.

Speaker 4 You know what I mean? All right, back-to-back severe bleaching events have affected two-thirds of Australia's Great Barrier Reef. A new aerial survey has found.

Speaker 4 The findings have caused alarm among scientists who say the proximity of the 2016 and 2017 bleaching event is unprecedented for the reef and will give damaged coral little chance to recover.

Speaker 4 All right, what site is this? This is called The Guardian.

Speaker 4 Now, what is their agenda? Yeah, I mean, you never know what to fucking believe believe here.

Speaker 4 Scientists with the Australian Research Council Center of Excellence, Jesus Christ, take it down a little bit, huh? You fucking arrogant bastards.

Speaker 4 For coral reef studies last week, compiled aerial surveys of the world's largest living structures, scoring bleaching at 800 individual coral reefs across 8,000 kilometers.

Speaker 4 The results show the two consecutive mass bleaching events have affected 1,500 kilometers stretch, leaving only the reef's southern third unscathed.

Speaker 4 Oh boy.

Speaker 4 Oh, there you go.

Speaker 4 You know what the deal is. We have to go.
A significant portion of us have to go. You know, maybe it's good that the robots come.

Speaker 4 Are they going to be electric robots or are they going to require oil also? But you know something? All these fucking electric cars, you know, when you go to display,

Speaker 4 that Tesla, that giant Tesla battery, now what do they do with that when you're done with the car? What happens to that battery? I know the car constantly has updates.

Speaker 4 Does that also include the battery? Can you make the battery better?

Speaker 4 Let's look that up. I bet there's a bunch of fucking oil companies putting some shit out, true or otherwise, about this.

Speaker 4 Tesla

Speaker 4 car

Speaker 4 footprint.

Speaker 4 Okay, let's see.

Speaker 4 The carbon footprint of Tesla manufacturing. Tesla's electric cars aren't as green as you might think.
The electric cars aren't green. Yeah, nothing is green.

Speaker 4 Nothing is green.

Speaker 4 Didn't Doug Stanhope? Doug Stamhope had a great joke. He said, the greenest thing you can do is kill yourself.

Speaker 4 And I would go further if he didn't to say, and then have yourself buried in the topsoil so you fucking give it some nutrients.

Speaker 4 Actually, we're all so full of fucking God knows what McDonald's and shit, you'd probably cause the tree next to your body to die.

Speaker 4 Does the Tesla Model S electric car pollute more than an SUV?

Speaker 4 This is the green car report. All right, let's see.

Speaker 4 Let's see.

Speaker 4 Who's kidding who? The Tesla is not about being green. That's about going zero to 60 in 2.3 seconds.

Speaker 4 Does the supposedly clean, green Tesla Model S really pollute more than a gas-guzzling Jeep Grand Cherokee sports utility vehicle? That's what one analyst has claimed.

Speaker 4 Now, what I love about this is everybody has a dog in the fight. Obviously, the oil guys

Speaker 4 don't want you to switch over to the fucking electrical shit. And all the electric people, they are so convinced that batteries,

Speaker 4 you know, didn't Michael Jordan do a commercial a long time ago about recycling your batteries? Didn't he do that? You know, that's how I know about it, right? Because an athlete told me not to do it.

Speaker 4 What about that giant battery at the bottom of the Tesla? What do you do with that thing? What do you do with that when it's done? All right.

Speaker 4 In an exhaustive 6,500-word article on the financial website Seeking Alpha, analyst Nathan Weiss lays out out a case model S, that the case model S actually, okay, okay, we know what he said.

Speaker 4 He said it was worse.

Speaker 4 As an S owner, I was shocked. For me, I just felt this is crazy.
Although the carbon emissions were not a big factor in my decision, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Weiss has been advising his clients to short the stock of Tesla. And it's

Speaker 4 all right, not so fast. Power plant emissions.

Speaker 4 All right, I'm not reading all this fucking shit. You know what this is? This is just a media war right now going on.
And I don't know where the fuck to get the facts.

Speaker 4 And I'm not going to just look up the first goddamn thing and read it. I have no idea.

Speaker 4 But I can tell you this.

Speaker 4 All right. I know that guy that had a Tesla has like ridiculous security around him.
Because remember that guy who came up with the car that could drive across the country just on water?

Speaker 4 And then he went around and told people about it? His last words when he walked out of the diner were, they poisoned me. And then he died, and then his car disappeared.

Speaker 4 I know that sounds crazy, but that's a true fucking story.

Speaker 4 It's a true story, according to the internet. All right, follow-up: Girl Who Gave Weed Ultimatum.
I love the follow-ups, everybody. This is like our own little mini-series here on the podcast.

Speaker 4 This is tremendous.

Speaker 4 I'll give you that guy's name, too. You guys can look it up.
You guys let me know if you think this is fucking real or not. All right.

Speaker 4 Water power

Speaker 4 car

Speaker 4 inventor vanishes.

Speaker 4 What is his name? What's his name? What's the name of the fucking water guy? Yes, Stanley Myers, water fuel cell.

Speaker 4 There you go.

Speaker 4 Look that guy up. Go down that fucking rabbit hole.
M-E-Y-E-R. I think that's how you spell it, right?

Speaker 4 Stanley.

Speaker 4 Stanleys are always fucking honest, aren't they?

Speaker 4 One of my favorite promoters around the country, that's his first name, Stanley. Write his fucking reign.

Speaker 4 All right, follow-up to the girl who gave me the weed ultimatum. All right, for those of you who missed the podcast a couple times ago, there was this woman, this guy was dating.

Speaker 4 You know, he's always smoking weed around her. She had problems with alcohol and shit.

Speaker 4 And then one day, I don't know, she cleaned up and she just lashed out at him and said, he needs to just totally quit smoking weed. Or, you know, it's either her or the weed.
All right, so here we go.

Speaker 4 It says, yo, brother Bill, on 4-3, you responded to my email about the ultimatum my girlfriend gave me.

Speaker 4 Her versus weed. My fucking computer's going to die.
Hang on, I got to hit pause. I can't keep fucking yammering.
Expect you guys to listen to this shit. Hold on.
All right, I'm back. I'm back.

Speaker 4 I'm powered here. I'm powered up here.

Speaker 4 All right, on 4-3, you responded to my email about the ultimatum my girlfriend gave me. Her versus weed.
Either choose her or the weed, man.

Speaker 4 She has since admitted that she was being a cunt by giving me the ultimatum and no longer cares if I smoke. She has since been smoking more weed than me.

Speaker 4 And two days after she gave me the ultimatum, the following happened. Yeah, dude, I don't even need to read this.
This woman is unstable. She needs to get help.

Speaker 4 And if I was you, I'd get out of this relationship. But I'll read it for the entertainment value here.

Speaker 4 She stumbled into our apartment so drunk that she couldn't stand. She was accompanied by another man.
Oh, bonus. Here we go.

Speaker 4 The guy she was with happened to be the one guy that she swore she'd never talk to again because a couple months ago, he sent her a 10-page email professing his love for her and trying to convince her that I'm an asshole and she should be with him.

Speaker 4 Up until that point, they were friends that hung out on occasion, which I was okay with. Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 4 But after he sent the love letter, which she read to me, she told me she would never speak to him again. Why did she read this to you?

Speaker 4 You didn't need to hear all of that, okay?

Speaker 4 Anyways, back to

Speaker 4 a couple of days ago, we got in a fight and I said I was going to leave because of the bullshit weed ultimatum. But instead, she left.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 4 Anyways, back to a couple days ago.

Speaker 4 So, wait, when did she stumble in? This is like a fucking Tarantino movie. Two days after she gave me.

Speaker 4 Alright, so I guess before this bullshit happened, you said you were going to leave due to the fucking weed ultimatum?

Speaker 4 Is that what you're telling me?

Speaker 4 But instead, she left claiming she was spending the night at at her sister's.

Speaker 4 Instead, she went straight to this dude's place, got shit-fraced drunk, went to a bar with him, then came back to our apartment. Both of them,

Speaker 4 she did not expect me to be home. When she saw that I was there, he immediately walked out.
Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 4 She was so drunk, she was unresponsible, so the fight didn't come until the next morning, when she claimed that the only reason he walked in was probably because he was just making sure she got home safely.

Speaker 4 Oh, boy.

Speaker 4 I told her that I'm done and that I'm moving back to my home state, seeing as she is the only reason I no longer live in my home state. Good move.
Good move, sir.

Speaker 4 Since this incident, she has been crying and begging for me to stay and wants to get married, etc. Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 4 She claims that she has no interest in him and she was just mad at me and was under the impression that I had already packed my things and left, and she just needed a friend at the moment.

Speaker 4 Those are all lies, and this is the tip of the fucking iceberg, sir, that goes all the way down to the fucking ocean floor.

Speaker 4 Personally, I don't think I can forgive her or trust her, but I need to make a decision and fast. Get the fuck out of there, sir, because I'm either going to tough this out and stay here.

Speaker 4 Oh, Jesus, hoping this shit doesn't happen again, or I'm going to get the fuck out of Dodge and move back home and start over. Help me out, brother.

Speaker 4 Should I stay or should I go? Your thoughts. Thanks.
And go fuck my life. No, not fuck your life.

Speaker 4 If you stay, you're fucking your life. Dude, get out of there.
Now that you just heard what you wrote out loud back by me reading it out loud, which probably made no sense,

Speaker 4 you realize how insane that is? How insane it would be for you to do that?

Speaker 4 I'm almost thinking, you know, as much as she needs to get her life together, you need to look at yourself as to why you would stay with a person like this.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you need to get the fuck out of there, dude. All right? You still got your whole life ahead of you.

Speaker 4 All right? And as far as like marrying somebody, you basically get one draft pick.

Speaker 4 All right, because when you get divorced, your franchise gets cut in half, and then you start drafting in the later rounds, you know, you're getting older and shit. This is your number one draft pick.

Speaker 4 This is what you're going to pick

Speaker 4 this person with all the fucking problems they're having at the college level.

Speaker 4 I'm telling you,

Speaker 4 get the fuck out of it, right? Dude, I mean, Jesus Christ,

Speaker 4 if you don't believe me, go ask, tell tell 20 strangers that fucking story.

Speaker 4 I swear to God, they're all going to say the same thing. Get the fuck out of there.

Speaker 4 Go on, Dr. Phil.
Do you need to get the fuck out of Dodge? He'd say the same thing.

Speaker 4 Actually, he probably wouldn't because she's a woman, his audience is female, so he'd probably go, well, maybe if you

Speaker 4 smoked a little less weed and she tried to fuck a little less other people,

Speaker 4 maybe y'all could find a middle ground. And all the women would be like,

Speaker 4 I inserted myself into that situation.

Speaker 4 All right, men going their own way. You kick your own way.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 4 This is a fucking amazing thing. Okay.
Hey, yo, Billy Boy, I was wondering if you were secretly behind this movement.

Speaker 4 This is fucking crazy. This right here is

Speaker 4 there's some movement, evidently,

Speaker 4 down in Australia, down in Aussie,

Speaker 4 down in Aussie, whatever the fuck they say. I don't know what the fuck they say.
I've only been there a couple of times. Oh, the plug came undone.

Speaker 4 Was there a reason why they turned the plug into a magnet?

Speaker 4 You know, back when it plugged in, it did much better. I guess it's easier to find.

Speaker 4 You know, it's got navigation kind of, and you can find the fucking hole, but it won't stay in there. All right.
There's a growing movement of men in Australia called Men Going Their Own Way.

Speaker 4 I just paused for all the guys listening to this with their girl so she could have time to roll her eyes and be like, oh, God.

Speaker 4 All right, MGTOW, Miga Chao.

Speaker 4 It's an offshoot of the men's rights movement, but rather than getting

Speaker 4 stuck in and tackling issues.

Speaker 4 No, rather than getting stuck tackling issues, these guys have vowed to stay away from women, stop dating,

Speaker 4 and not have children.

Speaker 4 Jesus. Essentially, MGTOW is a statement about living your life rather than trying to make a woman happy.
Sorry, happy.

Speaker 4 Sorry, screamed all my jokes last night. Or being a slave to cultural expectations.
One SW member says,

Speaker 4 this isn't about a specific rule book, more a mindset.

Speaker 4 Although there are purists in the movement who are the most extreme and avoid women entirely, there's a growing number of men who've had enough, enough of the feminism, and enough of being told they have to work for a greater good which doesn't actually exist.

Speaker 4 Start looking into this manosphere, and it's like going down a rabbit hole, this person says. Happiness here is supposedly freedom.

Speaker 4 And shunning relationships is now sweeping through the younger generations. Is it?

Speaker 4 Or is this just a very interesting article? Okay, Tom, 15 from NSW,

Speaker 4 North Southwest, whatever the fuck that is, is

Speaker 4 it what you would call the growing number of teens going their own way? Jesus, this kid never even got off the ground. He goes,

Speaker 4 it's probably not true of all women, but I got the feeling that women are actually dangerous. Maybe the men around me have just had bad experiences.
He tells the newswoman.

Speaker 4 He said, it's scary being a teenage boy. I'm not sure how

Speaker 4 it's all meant to fit together in the future, says Tom. Last year, my uncle lost everything because his wife of 40 years decided she didn't love him anymore.

Speaker 4 Just like that, she randomly got up and left. It got nasty, and he lost everything, his house, cars, and loads of money.
There's no way I'm ever getting married.

Speaker 4 Well, I mean, shit, you saw a very traumatic thing. Of course, teenage boys look at other males in their life to gather some perspective.

Speaker 4 I'm just going to read quotes because I'm not going to read all these.

Speaker 4 My older brother, who's 20, was dating a girl for a few months. She turned real nasty nasty in the breakup and made a string of allegations to the police that made me suspicious of women, too.

Speaker 4 My brother's a good guy.

Speaker 4 Okay?

Speaker 4 Why should she be able to just say what she wants, accuse him of anything, and then get on with her life like that? It doesn't seem fair to me. I'm not sure what rights I have.
Maybe none.

Speaker 4 Okay, both sexes, okay, it's crucial that we encourage our children, find a mentor, a teacher, or someone, blah, blah, blah, someone who supports, communicate.

Speaker 4 Yeah, about skills, getting a healthy relationship. That's exactly what I was going to say.

Speaker 4 What do you think? You're just going to walk away from women? You know, you're never going to bang another one?

Speaker 4 Maybe you just go on Tinder. Look, you can get a lot done not being in a relationship, male or female, just focusing on your fucking career.

Speaker 4 But, you know, if you want to be alone, that's fucking cool. But to do it because of fear reasons is wrong.
What you need to learn how to do is set up your relationship.

Speaker 4 And how you set up a relationship is you have to

Speaker 4 don't pretend to be something you're not and just tell them what the fuck you want

Speaker 4 from day one. When she's going like, do you watch sports all the time? Be like, yeah, I love them.

Speaker 4 Love them. You know, I like doing most when I do that, I like drinking a beer and then going out and smoking a cigar.
That's what I do. Hey, sweetheart, what do you do? Don't lie to me.

Speaker 4 Just tell me what you do. And let's see if what you do mixes what I do.

Speaker 4 Because if we both start pretending that we don't do what we do, eventually we're going to go back to doing what we're doing. And we're going to, oh my God, you changed.
No, I didn't change.

Speaker 4 I just

Speaker 4 started being myself for the first time around you.

Speaker 4 I didn't mention that I was into dog sleds.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Well, I just figured during the first three months, I'd make you fall in love with me, and then I would bring my 18 huskies into the fucking house.

Speaker 4 All right, you're talking about a guy who's made every fucking possible mistake that you can make in a relationship. I fucked up more goddamn relationships with great women.

Speaker 4 I've got to tell you something, okay?

Speaker 4 You know,

Speaker 4 I dated some great women, and I fucked them all up, all right?

Speaker 4 And it wasn't until I met my now wife, not saying I did make a bunch of fucking mistakes after that, but I just met somebody that, I don't know, I was in that part of my life where I could just be like, all right, this is what I do.

Speaker 4 Is that what you do?

Speaker 4 Yeah, I never, you know, that's the one thing I am, you know, one of the few things I am proud of with all the relationships I've had with women is I've never liked, I never judged them as far as like, whatever the fuck they were into, I didn't give a shit.

Speaker 4 You know,

Speaker 4 whatever you want to do, just fucking do it. Because I just looked at it like if I give you that sort of freedom, then you'll give it back to me.
And if you don't, then I'm fucking out of here.

Speaker 4 And what are you going to say?

Speaker 4 What are you going to say? That's the thing. That's my, you know, my friends come over here, Jesus Christ, babe.
You're always fucking cleaning up the kitchen.

Speaker 4 You're fucking doing all this type of shit around the house. It's like, yeah, exactly.
It's the genius.

Speaker 4 I earn a great living, and then I come home and I fucking crush it.

Speaker 4 So then when I'm going to go out and go see my buddy play drums tonight, what's my wife going to say? No?

Speaker 4 Why?

Speaker 4 Because you have a daughter. Ah, shit.
You're right. Okay.

Speaker 4 She got the daughter card now, so what am I going to do? Plus, I fucking love my daughter. It was so great coming home to her now.
That's the best thing. It's the greatest thing ever.

Speaker 4 The greatest thing ever.

Speaker 4 she slept for the through the night for the first time

Speaker 4 um

Speaker 4 of course the day i had to get up early you know and fly out so i missed the last three hours she she i think she slept she slept from like 10 to like 7 in the morning it was fucking unbelievable and um

Speaker 4 she's such a cute happy chill kid I'm so happy about that, you know, because I am a fucking lunatic, and she's not home right now. That's why I'm doing the podcast a little late, too.

Speaker 4 So she's out with their mother. And

Speaker 4 that is my goal. You know,

Speaker 4 I don't know if we'll have another one. I have no idea.
But whatever kid or kids that I end up having, I want them to be happy,

Speaker 4 relaxed. I want them to feel like they can approach me.
They can ask questions. I am by no means going to be a pushover.
I'm not going to buy them a bunch of shit. I'm already against that.

Speaker 4 Buying kids fucking toys before they're like three years old or two and a half is stupid. They don't even know what toys are.
Okay? They want to go out in the kitchen.

Speaker 4 They want to play with pots and pans.

Speaker 4 They want to play with your shoes. They want to play with everything but toys.
Toys actually bore them.

Speaker 4 Okay? You get them some pots and pans, it's over.

Speaker 4 They love them. They like the noise.
They like the handles. They like making a fucking mess.
It's great.

Speaker 4 But, you know, I'm not going to be that fucking person buying 78 fucking iPads.

Speaker 4 It'd be funny if my daughter's pissed at me in the future and she goes back and listens to this episode and is now playing it to me sometime in the future. You know, Jesus.
Oh, that'd be a rough one.

Speaker 4 Anyways, let's plow ahead. Let's get.
Yes, I would say like that whole like men going their own way. I don't know.

Speaker 4 That's silly.

Speaker 4 Why would you do that? You're 15 years old. You're in the prime of your life.
You don't want to be in relationships. Just be that guy who finger bangs chicks on the weekends.
You know?

Speaker 4 And then on Monday, when you go to school and they're like, hey, you know, like, are we going to do that again?

Speaker 4 You know, if you want to hang out, I mean, I'm kind of doing some.

Speaker 4 And then when they fucking go, like, so what's your deal? You're just going to finger me? It's just like,

Speaker 4 what, you didn't enjoy it?

Speaker 4 You're acting like I did something bad, you know? Just, I just don't want to be in a relationship right now. I'm young.

Speaker 4 You know? And they called it finger-banging.

Speaker 4 Do, do, do, do, do.

Speaker 4 All right, girlfriend spiked my drink.

Speaker 4 Jesus Christ. You know what's funny? If I said that in front of a crowd, everyone would laugh.

Speaker 4 If it's the other way around, everybody gasps. What'd What'd you do? Spike your drink and fucking take your wallet?

Speaker 4 That's how a woman rapes a man.

Speaker 4 All right. Hey, Bill, a couple months ago, I went to a party.
I went to a garden party to reminisce with my old friends. A couple months ago, I was Ricky Nelson, everybody, if you didn't recognize it.

Speaker 4 A couple months ago, I went to a party with a few friends. Among them was the girl that would become my current girlfriend.
I had a few drinks, but was shocked to see just how drunk they got me.

Speaker 4 I don't remember the entire night because I was so drunk. You know, some of these are so fucking over the top.
I just can't believe it. Don't even tell me that you ended up with this person.

Speaker 4 I'm supposed to believe this.

Speaker 4 I went to the bathroom twice because I felt I was going to throw up. Today, my girlfriend confessed to me that she and her friends had spiked my beer with shots of vodka.
Alright, that's not so bad.

Speaker 4 That's some college shit. You didn't taste it?

Speaker 4 She thought it was a funny prank until I clearly expressed how fucked up that I was. She apologized and all that, saying she never wanted to hurt me.
But I'm thinking this is breakup worthy.

Speaker 4 Most of my friends and family agree I should leave. This isn't the only issue in our relationship, and I'm thinking red flags of this caliber are too large to ignore.
Should I walk away?

Speaker 4 Well, dude, you only gave me one piece of the puzzle there.

Speaker 4 You know, if she was drunk and she was in a silly mood with her friends and they fucking did that,

Speaker 4 I don't know, but like, it seems like there's a bunch of other shit that she's doing,

Speaker 4 and you already seem convinced that you should fucking walk. So I don't know what the other stuff is, so I can't give you advice on that one, sir.

Speaker 4 I don't have

Speaker 4 I'm a hung jury on this one.

Speaker 4 I need

Speaker 4 more information. I don't want to tell you.

Speaker 4 So I don't know. If that's the only one that you were going to tell me, that's not a great way to start a relationship.

Speaker 4 It is kind of funny, though.

Speaker 4 I don't know. I'm kind of an alky, so in a way, that's my dream girl.
Do you know? At some point, you also got to admit that she did buy a couple of shots that night, didn't she?

Speaker 4 You just didn't know it.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 4 I'm taping a lot of shit on me TV. For me, TV,

Speaker 4 taping a couple episodes of

Speaker 4 what the fuck's the name of that show?

Speaker 4 What's the name of the show Valerie Bertinelli was in?

Speaker 4 With the red-headed lady,

Speaker 4 and then the other chick, and then Schneider next door. What the fuck was the name of that show?

Speaker 4 Not the apartment, not the odd couple,

Speaker 4 not three chicks and a janitor. What the fuck was the name of that show? Oh, God.

Speaker 4 S.C.H. Schneider.

Speaker 4 Sitcom, let's see what do we got. What do we got?

Speaker 4 One Day at a Time.

Speaker 4 One Day at a Time. I taped a couple episodes of that and then an episode of Alice.

Speaker 4 I didn't even remember how those fucking theme songs went. Do you guys remember those ones? Day in a day at a time.

Speaker 4 Theme.

Speaker 4 It's called This Is It?

Speaker 4 The fuck out of here.

Speaker 4 What happened to my memory?

Speaker 4 See if I remember this.

Speaker 4 This is it. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 I used to have such a crush in Valley Burton Ellie, but they were so fucking broke. That's what all these fucking 70s sitcoms were about.
They were just fucking broke-ass people.

Speaker 4 I guess it was reflecting the economy at the time.

Speaker 4 You know?

Speaker 4 Like, Alice was like, you know, divorced, driving this piece of shit to Phoenix. Remember that?

Speaker 4 Ford LTD station wagon?

Speaker 4 What is that? That cannot be the real fucking song.

Speaker 4 That was fucking horrible singing. That's what happens when we let the star of the show sing it.
Did she sing that fucking thing?

Speaker 4 You know what? I can actually block out the singing to listen to the old studio musicians. That's what I miss because now it's just some asshole with the fucking laptop and the keyboard.

Speaker 4 Those are all individual people playing all those instruments.

Speaker 4 There's a new bitch in town and she's feeling good.

Speaker 4 Got divorced, got the station wagon, and I'm in a new neighborhood.

Speaker 4 Remember that kid who played Tommy? He was fucking adorable, and then in between like season five and season six, he grew like three feet, and that includes his teeth.

Speaker 4 All of a sudden, he had these fucking horse teeth. He was fucking gigantic.
He looked like he went from fucking being her kid to being

Speaker 4 a walk-on for the Phoenix Suns.

Speaker 4 Anyways, that's the podcast for

Speaker 4 this Monday. I want to thank everybody that came out.

Speaker 4 Two shows at the Majestic Theater on a Sunday night. I know all you guys had to go to work the next day.
I had such a great time. San Antonio is great.
Oh, I didn't talk about it.

Speaker 4 I went to the Spurs game. Went to the Spurs.

Speaker 4 The Spurs fucking

Speaker 4 against the L.A. Clippers.
Great game. Fucking amazing fans.
Very, very knowledgeable of the game. I got to see their five championship trophies.
They got them right out there where you can see them.

Speaker 4 Took a picture and all that shit. It was great.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 but I got to tell you something.

Speaker 4 If you want to win some free shit, go to a Spurs game. I've never seen so much free shit given out in my life.
First of all, they had this coyote in a mask,

Speaker 4 a guy in a coyote mascot costume. And like 19 times during the game, he stole the vendor's cotton candy.
And they would play the Benny Hill song.

Speaker 4 and the vendor would sort of mock chase them around as the thing was fucking throwing free cotton candy all over the place.

Speaker 4 They did that like ten fucking times, which made me immediately think, like, they ordered too much cotton candy this month, it's going bad, let's just get rid of this shit so we don't have to throw it out.

Speaker 4 And we'll also look like, you know, like we're good guys for giving it away.

Speaker 4 They had cookies coming down from the ceiling in parachutes. You know, they would just float down.
People jumping up for fucking cookies.

Speaker 4 They dragged some guy guy out of the fucking crowd and put a couch that you could recline in. And they put it at the foul line.

Speaker 4 They're like, if you can sit down and you can fucking sink this foul shot, we're going to give you this couch.

Speaker 4 And next thing you know,

Speaker 4 you forget about the game. There's so much shit going on.
I'm rooting for this fucking couch potato to win a new fucking couch to slowly die on.

Speaker 4 You know, shoots the first one. Oh!

Speaker 4 The next one rims out. Oh!

Speaker 4 And then he hits it. And everybody's like, everybody freaking out.
He's jumping up and and down. His mantit's flopping all over the place.
And then they just drag this leather porn couch off.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you fucking want it. You want it.
All right. And then you're looking up at the scoreboard, like, oh, wait a minute.
I'm watching the fucking Spurs.

Speaker 4 They're playing the Clippers. That's what's happening here.
This is a critical part of the game. There's a timeout.
Now I'm watching Awkward Dads Dancing. Who's the best awkward dad dancing?

Speaker 4 Other than that, it was fucking great. I really enjoyed it.
And that was franchise number 118 that I've seen. I know, I'm getting like the rainman with this.

Speaker 4 I got eight left until the next season, you know, when the LA Chargers and the Vegas night start. But I plan on knocking those guys out early.

Speaker 4 Early. I might even go to that first Chargers game just for them having the audacity to fucking move on me.
You know?

Speaker 4 As of right now, in this moment, I've seen every team fucking west of the Mississippi from fucking

Speaker 4 as far south as San Antonio, as far north as Edmonton, and these two cunts are going to come along and fuck the whole thing up for me. I will not tolerate that.
I will avoid my family.

Speaker 4 I will take a trip and I will go see both of these fucking. Well, I don't take a trip for San Diego.
I sound like a crazy person. Go fuck yourselves.

Speaker 4 Thank you for listening, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.