Opening Night, Baseball, Val Kilmer | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-3-25

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you.
Just checking in on you.

Speaker 1 Seeing how your week's going.

Speaker 1 Oh, Billy Freckles. Oh, Billy Freckles.
Big news. Big news.

Speaker 1 I put on a pair of 34-inch jeans, legit ones.

Speaker 1 Old school cotton ones.

Speaker 1 Not these new ones with the elastic waistband where you think you're a fucking 34 and you're actually like a 40.

Speaker 1 You know? Because they don't want you to know that your food supply is poison. Because they can't give you the truth.
Right? They got to. Dude, they still, what are you talking about?

Speaker 1 These are 34s. They still fucking fit.
So put these things on. I'm not going to lie to you.
I'm not going to act like these jeans weren't a little tight.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to act like these things, if I wore them for more than 20 minutes, would not affect my mood for the day. But I was able to get them on.
So

Speaker 1 this is, you know, as much as I'm back here doing this play, this is my fat camp.

Speaker 1 So if I'm going to be away from my family three out of four weeks out of the month, then I got to get something positive out of this. So I've just been going to the fucking

Speaker 1 big gay gym

Speaker 1 every fucking day.

Speaker 1 By the way, that was been my stupid dad joke

Speaker 1 saying, My gym is so gay, it's spelled J-I-M.

Speaker 1 but anyway

Speaker 1 underrated going to a big gay gym because those fucking dudes are in ridiculous shape so you just like you know

Speaker 1 they make you feel even worse about your goddamn dad bud so I've been doing that

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 I've just been doing been doing the play and we got past

Speaker 1 opening night. So, this whole thing

Speaker 1 has been just such a crazy trip. So,

Speaker 1 you have your rehearsals, however long that is, get to know the cast, the director,

Speaker 1 everybody else on the show.

Speaker 1 And then you have your first show.

Speaker 1 You know, eventually you move out of the rehearsal space and you go over to the theater. And then that's when it starts getting exciting, and you start getting the butterflies going, like, oh my god,

Speaker 1 we're actually going to do this. I'm going to be a part of this this is fucking scary but it's exciting right and then uh you have like the first night is like this friends and family

Speaker 1 you know it's like an adult recital you know when you go down to see your kid do a little performance

Speaker 1 nobody heckles everybody's gonna applaud that's the first one

Speaker 1 and then you do three weeks of previews i never knew any of this shit three weeks of previews And that's this weird thing where like they say critics can't come down and review it, but everybody's paying full price for tickets so you still have to have a good show

Speaker 1 and then toward like the last three nights of the previews the critics come

Speaker 1 you know and uh

Speaker 1 whatever i mean we ended up getting really good reviews there was a few people you know one person wrote a whole article didn't like it because they thought it it was in the wrong venue Like they only do musicals on this theater.

Speaker 1 I don't know why you had this prediction. I mean, I didn't read any of this shit, which if you're in this business, that's what you have to be.

Speaker 1 I just got feedback from people saying it was all good stuff except this one and this one. But, like, um,

Speaker 1 this is another thing I didn't realize: like, how you get these theaters is like when they said, okay, we're gonna, it's official, they're gonna do the play again, they just have to wait for a play to be available.

Speaker 1 It's not like you can just be like, okay, and we're doing it here. It seems like what you have to do is you have to wait for another play to close.

Speaker 1 Either it ran its course

Speaker 1 or wasn't selling tickets oh my god i'm yawning today um or it's not selling tickets and then the thing becomes available so this place became available so like all right we'll do it there

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 and this person did not like that but other than that we got uh we got good stuff so then you're working your whole way up to opening night

Speaker 1 So I was like, oh my god, opening night, this is going to be fucking scary because I thought that that's when the critics were there. Critics already come.

Speaker 1 And then opening night is actually like one of the best nights because it's all

Speaker 1 these fancy pants. Broadway people, you know, big

Speaker 1 famous actors come out,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 everybody's rooting for you. They want it to be a good place, so it ended up being

Speaker 1 it ended up being great.

Speaker 1 And I deliberately made sure that I didn't know who was in the crowd,

Speaker 1 which was cool. And

Speaker 1 then the big, then the toughest show is like the next day.

Speaker 1 One of the actors on the show, Donald, was saying the same thing. Like the next day, so that after

Speaker 1 you have opening night and all that, it's weird. You feel like the play's over.
Like, we did it. Victorious.
They love the show. Oh, my God.
Everybody's saying it's great, right?

Speaker 1 And then you wake up the next day on Tuesday. You're like, oh, shit, I got a show tonight.
I got to do it again. So, in sports, that's known as the letdown game.
So we got all amped up

Speaker 1 to do the next show. And

Speaker 1 we've been killing. Oh, man, we had a fucking killer matinee yesterday.
I kind of get fucking amped up for those things.

Speaker 1 The matinee, because people, oh, it's going to be, you know, it's the blue-haired show. Like, it's a bunch of old people.
And you look out, it's not old people.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 you know, they paid a bunch of fucking money for the tickets. You got to kick the shit out of them.

Speaker 1 And it's kind of fun to kick the shit out of people in like the afternoon, you know, because I think even they're thinking, like, you know, I'll see the play. I'll be in bed by seven,

Speaker 1 get my eight hours or whatever. And then you come out

Speaker 1 and you kill it. It's

Speaker 1 like a really nice surprise. But

Speaker 1 those matinee shows, I can't remember if I talked about this. Forgive me if I did.
I've just been

Speaker 1 running around crazy getting ready for that

Speaker 1 big opening night thing. thing um

Speaker 1 i got this like attitude from uh doing stand-up the third show on a saturday night when you would be doing a comedy club and like nobody would show up

Speaker 1 you'd have like 10 20 people there and i would go out there with 10 20 people energy

Speaker 1 and um

Speaker 1 and the show would suck so finally i can't remember who the hell it was some road dog comic told me he goes don't go up there like that he goes go up there and it's not those people's fault that they're the only ones who showed up.

Speaker 1 You know, go up there and make, you know, those 10, 20 people wish that they all brought 10, 20 people and just put like a positive spin on it.

Speaker 1 And I ended up having like some of my best fucking shows were like the third show

Speaker 1 in front of like, you know, 25, 30 people. They ended up being like,

Speaker 1 sorry, I know I'm making you guys yawn, but I got to knock this thing out because I got a bunch of shit I have to do today.

Speaker 1 I ended up having some of my best shows doing that. So, anyway, we're on the other side of it.
So, now

Speaker 1 the big challenge is because now,

Speaker 1 you know, it's out, it's a hit, it's you know, just about sold out, so everybody's very happy. So, the big thing now is,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 to come in there mentally every night and just know who's ever in that crowd, this is their night to see it.

Speaker 1 So you got to make sure

Speaker 1 you keep that level of excitement. And I'm figuring out by watching all these other amazing actors on the show is they do it a little different every night.

Speaker 1 They try something else which sort of makes it fresh for them, surprises their scene partner and all that. And

Speaker 1 yeah. I mean, who knew? Who knew doing Broadway would be this fun?

Speaker 1 I mean, I knew it would be fun. I just didn't know it would be this like much of a learning experience and everything.
So I'm very thankful for that.

Speaker 1 What the fuck is my phone saying? Something went wrong with the upload.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, this is just some fucking person on the other side of the world trying to get me into my phone. Is that what it is?

Speaker 1 I wasn't uploading anything. Like, why would you do that? You just send that out to somebody

Speaker 1 to randomly try to get into their goddamn phone. Anyway, plowing ahead here.

Speaker 1 I haven't watched the Austin, the Coda race yet in Moto GP. I did see the sprint,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 it's getting ridiculous. Mark Marquez won that.
So he's won all three sprints. He's won two of the races.
And if he wins that third race, then what is this season becoming?

Speaker 1 The only person that can hang with him is his brother Alex. It's literally the Marquez story.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 then it just seems like

Speaker 1 Peko's going to be in third place the whole fucking year.

Speaker 1 There's no way everybody's going to sit back and just tolerate this, right?

Speaker 1 I don't know. It feels like when I first started watching Moto GP

Speaker 1 pre-pandemic that

Speaker 1 what I'm watching here, this level of dominance, it's fun to see him come back, but there is going to be a point of like,

Speaker 1 like, dude, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 like those torpedo bats that the Yankees are using. Like, let's just take it away from the Yankees.

Speaker 1 I just feel like that's dangerously going into golf territory.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, we're finding everybody's, you know, too many dentists are going out there and they're slicing. What can we do to the ball? What can we do to the club to make this person who sucks,

Speaker 1 you know?

Speaker 1 It's like, it's not up to the dentist to go out and fucking fix his swing. They're going to fucking fix the club, design the club around

Speaker 1 what you suck at to straighten out your fucking shot. It's stupid.
So

Speaker 1 I was listening to Will Clark talking about it, and it was like.

Speaker 1 The analytics people saw that, you know, too many of the Yankee players were getting jammed and hitting the ball

Speaker 1 on the label of the bat, which usually means

Speaker 1 I guess you get out. Like, I don't know baseball to that level.
I'm not going to lie to you.

Speaker 1 So, they just put a bunch of

Speaker 1 wood down there

Speaker 1 and made

Speaker 1 getting jammed like you were hitting it on the sweet spot of the bat. I mean, that is fucking insane to have to do that.
I get it with golf.

Speaker 1 So many non-athletes play golf, but even then, it's fucking stupid.

Speaker 1 It's like, why did you take up this game?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like, or this activity, whatever the fuck you call golf, like, you go out there and part of the thrill of trying something new is the mechanics, learning what you're doing wrong, the frustration, pushing through it, sticking with it, and all of that.

Speaker 1 But to go out there and just put fucking training wheels on the goddamn equipment, and then you're hitting it straight like a pro is fucking ridiculous.

Speaker 1 That's ridiculous to do to just some jerk off who's all happy because he sold out the working man and got a bonus and can now join a fucking country club and play golf.

Speaker 1 It's bad enough when they do it at that level to do that at the baseball, the major league fucking level

Speaker 1 and give them a goddamn bat

Speaker 1 that corrects. Go take some fucking BP

Speaker 1 like everybody else had to.

Speaker 1 And, you know, it'd be bad enough if the, I would be saying this: if the fucking Kansas City Royals did it, and they historically, since you know, free agency got out of control, have been treated like a minor league team.

Speaker 1 But to have like the fucking $275 million New York Yankees doing it,

Speaker 1 it's, it's like,

Speaker 1 and watching these fucking Yankee fans, the same ones who backed Deflategate,

Speaker 1 the football's a Conte Leiter.

Speaker 1 And the investigation was conducted by the owner of the losing team, the team that lost by 35 and led up over 300 yards rushing and also had the same amount of under-inflated balls.

Speaker 1 The New York fucking media was just all over the Patriots about that. Never gave it up to us.
Are all looking the other way

Speaker 1 on these fucking bats. It's just like,

Speaker 1 it's literally what's wrong with like, it's how

Speaker 1 the super rich

Speaker 1 get everyone underneath them fighting.

Speaker 1 Because everybody thinks that they're fucking, you know, okay, if my team wins, that means it's good. It doesn't matter how the fuck they're doing it.
Rather than having a legit,

Speaker 1 you know, right and wrong.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, I wanted to read this to you because I said a long time ago when I was listening to people argue in politics, I said, you know, and I don't mean everybody, I just mean people that are like a staunch Republican or a, is it a staunch Democrat?

Speaker 1 I always hear staunch Republican. What's the word

Speaker 1 for like a staunch liberal? A serious liberal, right?

Speaker 1 I used to listen to these people argue sometimes, and you'd just be watching one person just dying on a hill.

Speaker 1 And you'd just be thinking, like dude this person

Speaker 1 would rather be right

Speaker 1 would rather win than be right you know what i mean would like rather win the debate

Speaker 1 than actually get to the truth of the matter

Speaker 1 which is bizarre to me

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 so i don't know in my instagram feed listen to this thing that came across In Greek philosophy, there are two terms. I'll probably read these, I'm going to pronounce these wrong.
philosophia

Speaker 1 and philonikia

Speaker 1 philosophia means love of wisdom wisdom think philosophy philonikia means love of victory think of nike nike however the fuck you say that company these aren't my examples i'm just reading what this person wrote in every discussion or debate

Speaker 1 every discussion debate or disagreement Each party approaches it with one of these two mindsets.

Speaker 1 When coming from philosophia, love of wisdom,

Speaker 1 you do not care about who is right or wrong. You simply care about coming to a deeper mutual understanding of the topic at hand with your fellow speaker.

Speaker 1 When coming from philonikia, love of victory, you do not care for learning. You do not care for truth.
All you care about is asserting your stance as right. and the stance of the other as wrong.

Speaker 1 Too many people today approach every discussion with the mindset of philonikia.

Speaker 1 Most people identify with their opinions, so a threat to their opinions is perceived as a threat to their very self, and the discussion becomes one of attack and defense.

Speaker 1 There is no need to attach your sense of self to any opinion. You are not your thoughts.

Speaker 1 By detaching your identity from your opinions, you can approach your discussion from philosophia and prioritize learning and growth over being right.

Speaker 1 Understanding this distinction,

Speaker 1 this is one of the coolest parts. Understanding this distinction will help you notice when you are speaking to someone who is coming from Phila Nikia,

Speaker 1 in which case you are wasting your time. But don't get worked up, just let it go and walk away.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 I've been having some of the best

Speaker 1 discussions with my wife since we've been together

Speaker 1 because both of us

Speaker 1 are doing that Phyllis Sophia thing. Not because of this shit.
We just, I don't know, I think we just got tired of arguing. And it used to be, I'm not saying we still don't do it.

Speaker 1 We were both, you know, doing the guy, girl thing, right? This is my point.

Speaker 1 I'm talking logic. You're talking emotion and doing all of that shit.
But when you actually just try to hear what the other person is saying, it's unbelievable.

Speaker 1 Like this peace comes over the discussion, and then it becomes like this healing thing.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I know this will never happen in political debate. I don't know why.

Speaker 1 There's something about politics more so

Speaker 1 even than sports, because that's usually like the analogy that people use: that it's just like,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 your team cheats, mine doesn't. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 The guy's out by a mile, but it's your guy. So you're like, oh, you know, I don't know.
I think he got his toe in there or whatever, right?

Speaker 1 So one of the hardest things, just as a sports fan, is to try to be like looking at something and being like, all right, that was a bad call.

Speaker 1 The older I've got as a sports fan, I've been able to

Speaker 1 kind of do that and also sort of detach emotionally from like how fucking worked up I used to get. I mean,

Speaker 1 in one of my ways of detaching, like last year, I didn't even watch the NBA final because my team was in it.

Speaker 1 I was like, I am not going to sit here and watch this fucking

Speaker 1 thing losing my mind in front of my kids. But anyway, if you could somehow apply that, like that kid who wrote in where, you know, he was pro

Speaker 1 choice talking to the person that was pro-life, and they had like a calm conversation while disagreeing, and then shook hands after.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 if you want to scare the shit out of the Mr. Burns

Speaker 1 person, you know, the billionaire fucking asshole, these fucking assholes were like, you know, that douchebag, Bill Gates, was on some talk show the other night, and he goes, in five years, you know, there's going to be no more teachers.

Speaker 1 It's all going to be AI.

Speaker 1 And I just wish the host went like, oh, really? Is that what you decided?

Speaker 1 You just decided that on your own? All you and you've all of your nerd? Like, what are you guys, just out of curiosity, what are you guys doing?

Speaker 1 What are you leading us towards?

Speaker 1 We all know what you're doing. You're going to microchip all of us, and you're going to have a bunch of robots

Speaker 1 policing us, and then eventually they're going to take us over. To what end?

Speaker 1 To what end? Don't you believe in an afterlife? Don't you believe in right or wrong?

Speaker 1 That's what, see, that's what fucking gets me with all of this fucking religious horse shit that these people say.

Speaker 1 They all talk about this wrathful God, and if you live a bad life, he's gonna send you to fucking hell for eternity.

Speaker 1 And the pain is never gonna end forever.

Speaker 1 That's what they tell you, and they scare the shit out of you with that.

Speaker 1 And then, meanwhile, none of them that are in power conduct their lives as if they're even remotely concerned about that possibility.

Speaker 1 I don't know. This is a fun podcast, huh?

Speaker 1 Anyway, so I don't know what to do to stop those fucking guys, but at least in your life, like,

Speaker 1 you know, my wife came out for the opening night and we had like two of the most epic fucking conversations. of our relationship trying to figure stuff out just being

Speaker 1 like chill or whatever trying to listen to the other person So, um, I'm only telling you this because uh, you know, I'm a pretty volatile guy.

Speaker 1 So, if I can fucking do it, you know, maybe you guys can do it. And it makes your life

Speaker 1 at least this part of your world that you can control is these fucking jerk offs,

Speaker 1 these fucking tech. You know, I really am waiting for feminism to finally realize that they were focusing on the wrong kind of man that they thought was going to ruin the fucking world.

Speaker 1 I'm waiting for the backlash on fucking nerds.

Speaker 1 After all of these years of them looking at the jocks, you know,

Speaker 1 and thinking that these, oh, these are, this is the reason the world's all, it's because of guys like this. And it's just like, yeah, I don't think it is.
I really don't think that's what it is.

Speaker 1 It's those fucking pimply, quiet kids in the corner that you won't even talk to as a beautiful woman. They, they, yeah, I'm going to blame beautiful women for this.
This is stupid, Bill.

Speaker 1 No, you know what I mean. They're fucking, they sit over the corner all fucking resentful.

Speaker 1 How funny is it watching the Tesla guy getting all upset that his stock is going through the floor? And he's like, you know, to laugh at somebody because their stock is going on.

Speaker 1 It's like, dude, to fucking see Gil?

Speaker 1 Have you guys done like any sort of research on the background of that fucking guy?

Speaker 1 And the Nazis in his family tree? Like, dude, this is not like.

Speaker 1 This is not political party shit. This is just like, there's nothing in the world wrong with Republicans.
There's nothing wrong with Democrats. There's nothing wrong with those philosophies.

Speaker 1 But you got to have good people,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 applying those philosophies.

Speaker 1 You can't have some fucking heartless person like that. I mean,

Speaker 1 who the fuck

Speaker 1 becomes a Nazi?

Speaker 1 Who looks at what those people do and be like, yeah, you know what? I think they had it right. All that pain and suffering that they just, just the shit they did to kids alone.

Speaker 1 How could you ever align yourself and want to get that going again?

Speaker 1 It's fucking beyond me. Out of everything that I've seen where I just sit there with my jaw on the ground going, you can do that and still be in office, you can get away with that.

Speaker 1 It would be that guy fucking seagiling twice and like

Speaker 1 the outrage. I don't even think it lasted 24 hours.
And I he was like, I guess he's not going to get rid of the guy. Oh, well.

Speaker 1 I also don't understand what people's fear is with that guy. He's the richest person in the world.
So what?

Speaker 1 Can't fight his way out of a wet paper bag. What are you so fucking afraid of? I don't understand why people are so afraid of fucking rich people.
He has a lot of money. Great.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm afraid of someone who knows how to box, someone who knows jiu-jitsu. And they're, you know, then if they're angry at me,

Speaker 1 I'm like, oh, God, I'm going to get the shit kicked out of me. I'm going to get the shit kicked out of me.
If you're just rich, I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 Oh, do you have more petty loafers than me? I mean, that's what you built your fucking castle on.

Speaker 1 Look how big my pool is.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 I missed the gym. I did miss the gym a couple days this week, so I got to get back on it with all these premieres and late nights and all that type of stuff.

Speaker 1 So, anyway, my phone is still doing this fucking thing

Speaker 1 about this upload. By the way, rest in peace to Val Kilmer.

Speaker 1 What an incredible, incredible, incredible actor. And still, I think one of the most underrated movies of all time, forget about underrated Val Kilmer performances,

Speaker 1 is Top Secret. And I don't know how you start with that movie and then get to play Jim Morrison and Doc Holliday and all these amazing

Speaker 1 character roles that he got.

Speaker 1 Especially back in the day, if you came out with a wacky comedy, like Hollywood was just like, you're the wacky comedy Hollywood guy and the fact that he was able to do everything

Speaker 1 from

Speaker 1 Top Secret

Speaker 1 to playing Jim Morrison Doc Holiday

Speaker 1 whatever his character's name was in Heat

Speaker 1 and all of these this wide variety of roles

Speaker 1 just shows you like what an incredible incredible incredible actor he was

Speaker 1 anyway that sucks Getting old, dude. Fucking sucks.

Speaker 1 All right,

Speaker 1 let's do some reads here for the week. Okay, we're less than 100 tickets away from selling out the 12th annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit Sunday, May 18th at the New York City Center.

Speaker 1 We have a great lineup. Rosebud Baker, Greer Barnes, DC Benny, Tim Dillon, Nimish Patel, Sean Patton.

Speaker 1 As always, the great Rich Foss will be our MC.

Speaker 1 Yours truly will be in there somewhere, and we have a very special guest who just signed on. We always try to get a big, big old famous comedian to come in and surprise everybody.

Speaker 1 It's just one of my favorite gigs of the year. It's a combination of

Speaker 1 a high school reunion and getting to live my dream as a stand-up comedian. It's just awesome.

Speaker 1 Tickets can be purchased at www.nycitycenter.org/slash Patrice 2025 or or by going to my website www.billburr.com. All right.

Speaker 1 I got some reads here. Oh, I'll tell you, I got some reads.

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Speaker 1 I almost said something really bad there. All right.

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That was a dumb joke. All right, let's start over again.
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All right.

Speaker 1 Well, that is the podcast, everybody.

Speaker 1 I hope you enjoyed it.

Speaker 1 Seriously, try that thing, man. Like,

Speaker 1 for all the guys out there listening,

Speaker 1 you don't want to argue with the woman in your life.

Speaker 1 And I'm telling you, if you just

Speaker 1 sort of listen and try to learn, go into a disagreement with like trying to learn and hear what the other person is saying.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 um,

Speaker 1 you just avoid all of those. You know, when your wife or your girlfriend is like, I don't want to talk about that.
I don't want to talk about that. I don't want to talk about that.

Speaker 1 When you're trying to make a fucking point and it just gets you, the next thing you know, you have this big, stupid fight.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 try to be in this, whatever that fucking word is, Sophia mode. And if she's going, I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about that. I don't want to talk about that.

Speaker 1 Then you could just be like, What do you want to talk about? What do you want to talk about? What do you want to talk about?

Speaker 1 Don't do that. You know what I'm saying? All right, that's it.
Hope you guys have a great week, a great weekend.

Speaker 1 And that's it. You know, maybe go out and get yourself a torpedo bat and go down to the batting cages.
And, you know.

Speaker 1 Maybe they could make the ball bigger and make it bounce off the bat more. Maybe they could do that.

Speaker 1 You know, isn't Yankee Stadium because of the wind or something and the dimensions already an easy place? They hit a fucking home run?

Speaker 1 We're a $275 million team. The Dodgers are spending more than us.
They kicked our ass in the World Series.

Speaker 1 We need bats that make it easier to hit.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. It's a fucking embarrassment.
All right.

Speaker 1 That's it. Okay.

Speaker 1 That's the podcast. Have a great weekend.
Enjoy the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Themelis.

Speaker 1 And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. I'll talk to you on Monday.

Speaker 3 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 3rd, 2017. What's going on? How are you?

Speaker 3 How's it going? Oh, little white guy Def Jam voice. Little white guy deaf jam voice.
I'm taking you back through a little comedy history. Remember that?

Speaker 3 The height of black guys do this, white guys do that? It was always

Speaker 3 that fucking voice. You ever see a whack guy standing in a chair or sit in a chair?

Speaker 3 I mean, a black guy, when he sits in a chair, he sits in the motherfucking chair. White guy says, oh, geez, I gotta sit out of here, should I do my taxes? Every fucking joke.
Crushed. Fucking crushed.

Speaker 3 That was the black comic version of white guys going talking about flying on airplanes or comparing dogs to cats. That's more like it, you know? Don't you fright a cat?

Speaker 3 It doesn't even fucking, you know.

Speaker 3 That's actually still not a complimentary voice for a white guy, but I don't think that was a complimentary voice for a black guy. So I think I'm in the clear when it comes to political correctness.

Speaker 3 Oh my God, what a fucking weekend I had, man. I had a great time.

Speaker 3 You know why I had a great time? I watched the fucking Bruins pick up four points this weekend, all right, and put themselves back into the driver's seat,

Speaker 3 at least of their own destiny.

Speaker 3 All right, by beating the Florida fucking Panthers.

Speaker 3 And thank God the Chicago Blackhawks had the decency to rest most of the good guys in their team. We were able to pick up another two points, so thank you to the city of Chicago.

Speaker 3 Next deep dish is on me if I run into you. Not the whole fucking city.
Just one of you fatties. One of you mustachioed fatties from that SNL sketch.

Speaker 3 I don't think I've ever seen a guy with a mustache in Chicago. You know?

Speaker 3 Anyways.

Speaker 3 I never heard one say, duck bears. Never heard that.
Never heard it.

Speaker 3 Although I don't talk to a lot of them. I just kind of go there and stand in front of their performing, and then I leave.

Speaker 3 That's basically what I do, which is one of my favorite things to fucking do, by the way.

Speaker 3 There's nothing better than when you do your show. The second you do it, you get in a car and you get the fuck out of there.
That's my favorite thing to do.

Speaker 3 You know, either that or go to a dive bar and hang out with three people.

Speaker 3 That's the way I'm fucking wired.

Speaker 3 That's perfect, be honest with you. There's certain people they like to hang out, you know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Go wade into the crowd,

Speaker 3 you know, continue, continue to say how awesome I am. I don't do that.
I got it for that hour, perfect. Then you get in the car and it's nice and quiet.

Speaker 3 It's quiet, you just fucking ride home, you know, and you go into your fucking hotel room, right?

Speaker 3 Sit down, you avoid the fucking snack, bye,

Speaker 3 right? And

Speaker 3 then that's it. And you just sit there in the loneliness of your room.

Speaker 3 That's most of the reason why I drink on the road, to be honest with you. That's all you're doing, is you're just trying to stay out as long as you can.

Speaker 3 So you're so fucking tired that when you get back to your room, you just immediately fall asleep rather than dealing with the fucking loneliness of it. But

Speaker 3 I don't know. I had such a great weekend, man.
I played a little bit of drums. hung out with my beautiful daughter.
You know, she's a riot. She's bossy as hell.

Speaker 3 Oh my God.

Speaker 3 She's already telling us what to do with just like the noises that she knows how to make.

Speaker 3 Yeah, she's going to be a little smarty, just like my wife. And she's fucking adorable as hell.
Obviously, you know, I'm a little biased, but that's kind of, you know, you know when people are lying.

Speaker 3 You know, if about your kid. Oh, hey,

Speaker 3 what a cutie.

Speaker 3 I feel like we're getting like legit compliments. So, anyways, can anybody out there in the hockey world explain to me

Speaker 3 like how this like what seed you are works in the playoff bracket?

Speaker 3 Like I don't get it because it used to be like the Adams division and the Patrick division and one played four

Speaker 3 and then they sort of jumbled them all up it seems like when they list them as far as like

Speaker 3 I don't get when you go to the standings thing because I would have thought as as a sixth or a seventh seed, whatever the fuck we're going to be, we'd either play the Capitals or the Blue Jackets, you know, the top of that one.

Speaker 3 But they're kind of doing it like a March Madness thing, where it's like we're in a different thing.

Speaker 3 So for some reason, we'd get off easy, er, I should say, and have to play the Maple Leafs rather than getting the old right there, Fred, from the Capitals or the Blue Jackets.

Speaker 3 Not saying that we're going to beat Toronto. I have no idea what's going to happen.
But according to the Stanley Cup playoffs here on

Speaker 3 NHL.com,

Speaker 3 as of today,

Speaker 3 the Montreal Canadiens with Claude Julien. Julian would play fucking the New York Rangers.

Speaker 3 So their number one seed, and then they would get the wildcard

Speaker 3 New York Rangers. And then the Bruins would play the Maple Leafs.
A little original six action there for you on both of those, huh?

Speaker 3 Then the Capitals would play Ottawa, and Pittsburgh plays Columbus. Like, Pittsburgh gets punished.
Shouldn't they be playing an easier fucking team with the points they have? I would think.

Speaker 3 One of them, the bottom feeders. So that's great.
I love that Pittsburgh or the Columbus will knock each other out. We'll knock one or the other out, I should say.

Speaker 3 And I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen.
Is the Capitals finally going to push through this year? Is it finally going to happen?

Speaker 3 You know, you know what would be the fucking Armageddon finals? Would be the Washington Capitals versus the San Jose Sharks.

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 3 one of them has to win, right? Like the Cubs versus the Indians. Somebody's got to fucking win.
And I bet it would go down the exact same way. One would go up three to one.

Speaker 3 You know, they just got to add that last bit of misery. And then someone would come back and win it.
I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
All I know is I really enjoyed,

Speaker 3 obviously, this weekend. And if we can play the Tampa Bay Lightning on Tuesday and fucking put them out of their goddamn misery,

Speaker 3 I think we would avoid three years in a row of...

Speaker 3 you know, eating a dick at the end of March and beginning of April. We've done it two years in a row.
So, So

Speaker 3 that's it. That's it for the fucking hockey talk.
Oh, by the way, I don't know what his name is, but that kid on Calgary,

Speaker 3 Keith Tuchuk, his kid out there. That kid's a fucking riot, man.

Speaker 3 He is an old school hockey player. I was watching,

Speaker 3 what do they have there with the fucking

Speaker 3 Don Cherry hockey night in Canada? We actually get that down here. And he was showing a highlight of that kid,

Speaker 3 you know, picking on that dude from the fucking Kinks. And Don Cherry's breaking his fucking balls.
And it's just like they're trying to make the playoffs.

Speaker 3 He's not going to get involved in some stupid fucking fight, right?

Speaker 3 Drew Dowdy, they need him on the ice. I would think.
Anyways, Drew Dowdy, the Dave Grohl of fucking

Speaker 3 hockey. To me, they're the exact same fucking person.
When Dave Grohl's not making amazing music, he's playing defense for the Los Angeles Kings. I challenge you.

Speaker 3 I challenge you to find Dave Grohl ever at a fucking game

Speaker 3 where Drew Dowdy is not a healthy scratch.

Speaker 3 All right, enough of that bullshit.

Speaker 3 I can't even tell T about my fucking weekend, some of this other bullshit.

Speaker 3 Oh my God, hang on with him. You ever hang out with just like a complete fucking psychopath?

Speaker 3 Ugh.

Speaker 3 It's one of those social events you're like, oh no.

Speaker 3 There he is. There he is.

Speaker 3 And then it's over. And then it's the next day.
And you're like, oh, great. You know,

Speaker 3 God willing, I'll never have to see that person again.

Speaker 3 Hey, how the fuck are the Celtics a number one seed? I didn't watch them the last two weeks. I kind of got, you know, with fucking hockey and basketball, you kind of got to pick a sport, you know?

Speaker 3 I've been trying to watch both of them, but

Speaker 3 the Bruins were just in a more,

Speaker 3 you know, I don't know, precarious position. So it was more of an exciting thing to watch.
Are they going to fuck this up? Are they going to somehow pull themselves out of it?

Speaker 3 And somehow, the Celtics are a number one seed, although I don't think they're a better team than the Cavaliers. But I like what LeBron did the other night.

Speaker 3 Last night when he got into it on the court, and that made that other dude on his own team flipping out, yelling at him, and shit.

Speaker 3 He immediately tried to defuse it, and then just saying, Yeah, I showed him up. I shouldn't have said that.
Blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, That's a fucking leader

Speaker 3 right there, even though a lot of people don't like him. I fucking like LeBron.

Speaker 3 so, anyways, dude, I've just been having like

Speaker 3 I don't know, I got to get back into fucking meditating. I don't know, I just keep running into these situations.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 3 I feel like I'm attracting them to me.

Speaker 3 Like, somebody's this New York number has been calling me for like the last fucking three days, and then I'm like, I don't know who this number is, so I don't answer.

Speaker 3 And then they finally leave a message and still say, Yeah, hey, this is so-and-so.

Speaker 3 You know, I'm looking for so-and-so, but it keeps saying,

Speaker 3 you know, this is Bill

Speaker 3 on the thing. But my phone is saying, you know, it's my daughter.

Speaker 3 So I'm like, all right, well, this guy's going to figure this shit out, right?

Speaker 3 And he does it. So he finally, right before I did the podcast, he fucking calls again.
So I finally picked up. I go, hello.
The guy's like, yeah, who is this that I'm talking to?

Speaker 3 I'm like, well, it's not who you think it is. You got the wrong number.
And he goes, yeah, well, fuck you too. And he hangs up on me, like it was my fault.

Speaker 3 So I just laugh and I'm just like, what the fuck? Why does this shit keep happening to me? So then he calls back and I'm like, well,

Speaker 3 I got to hear what this guy's going to say next, right? I need a new hour of material. I got to put myself in the line of fire here.
So I pick up. He goes, yay, man, I'm sorry, man.

Speaker 3 I just, I lost my phone and I keep trying to call my daughter. And, you know, my name's Bill.
And it keeps saying, your name's Bill. And it's, you got to see the humor in that, right?

Speaker 3 I'm like, yeah, man, it's it's a funny situation.

Speaker 3 Good luck to you with your phone.

Speaker 3 I don't know what to tell you. Sounded like a nice enough person.

Speaker 3 I love that he said, yeah, well, fuck you, too. And he still had the fucking nerve to call me back and then just say, act like it didn't even, he didn't say that.

Speaker 3 Maybe he was just joking when he said it. I was just like, I don't fucking know.
So anyways, this past week, so

Speaker 3 I'm at this social event. I'm trying to avoid this psycho.
And he ends up sitting right next to me and I'm talking to this guy. And for fucking 10 minutes, all of a sudden, I can't find my cell phone.

Speaker 3 And I'm looking for it, and I'm looking for it. And I'm not bringing it up to anybody because I'm thinking, like, maybe I left it in the car, I don't know what.

Speaker 3 And I realized that this psycho has placed his cell phone exactly right on top of mine on the table,

Speaker 3 like completely lined up. And mine has a black case, and it was kind of dark, so I couldn't see it.

Speaker 3 And then I had to sit there playing this fucking mind game. Like, did this guy do this on purpose? Am I over-analyzing this thing? Am I out of my fucking mind?

Speaker 3 And I don't know. Then the whole thing just struck me as funny.

Speaker 3 Thinking of how my life used to be, because I used to have people like that in my fucking life.

Speaker 3 You know, those people that mind fuck you, and then like an hour later, hey, I'm sorry, I wasn't, come here, come here, that fucking wife-beater relationship, you got to get into them.

Speaker 3 Ugh.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Which is, of course, how the evening ends with that bullshit.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, hey, it's all right.
Everything's cool.

Speaker 3 And I just walked out of there and just felt like this fucking weight lift off me, just be like, I'm never going to see that person again.

Speaker 3 I have no fucking desire. That is it.
That is a fucking wrap. If I have learned anything

Speaker 3 from hanging out with fucking

Speaker 3 a couple, I have two good friends of mine that are both half Sicilian

Speaker 3 and

Speaker 3 when applied correctly the Sicilian you're dead to me when applied correctly is the greatest fucking it just streamlines your life

Speaker 3 why would you waste another second of your life playing that mental tennis

Speaker 3 with some like you obviously don't connect with this person over

Speaker 3 and you just walk away and then that's it and like today I just woke up I was in the greatest fucking mood knowing I'm never going to see that person again. It's fucking tremendous.
And you know what?

Speaker 3 I think then I created a void. I created a vacuum in my life because I just let go of all of that shit.

Speaker 3 And now I got this random guy calling me up on my cell phone looking for his daughter and then telling me to go fuck myself, you know?

Speaker 3 I'll take that. I mean, that's an easy one.
That guy actually sounded like a better fucking person. So, anyways, oh, you know what? Easter's coming up.
Fucking Easter.

Speaker 3 Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail. Yippity, hoppity, Easter's on its way.

Speaker 3 I get this week we're going to actually, at some point, we're going to go back to the mall and become a fucking mall person.

Speaker 3 I imagine eventually

Speaker 3 it's going to drive me nuts. But we're going there and we're taking our daughter over to get a picture with the Easter bunny.
How fucking cute is that? It's going to be absolutely adorable.

Speaker 3 I can't wait to do it. We just have have to calve out some time.

Speaker 3 And I'm already nervous that she's going to get totally fucking freaked out. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 The older you get, the more you look at that. You just realize why, what is that bizarre ritual?

Speaker 3 You know, why would you do that to you? Sorry, my stomach's grumbling here. I'm fucking on a massive diet here.
Massive diet. Massive diet.
Cutting out the booze, except for last night.

Speaker 3 Cutting out the booze. I've been eating eating basically perfectly and

Speaker 3 I'm actually down to a buck 79. My fighting weights between like 168 and 172

Speaker 3 and I'm going to try to lose two to three pounds for the, you know, I figure some by mid-May, mid-May, I ought to be in fighting shape and I'm going to try to actually stay in that and continue.

Speaker 3 Because what I, you know what I do? Is I get down to the weight I wanted to get down to, and then that's like the end of the movie.

Speaker 3 Roll credits and I go back to eating fucking pizza and beer and all of that shit. And then I slowly get back up again.

Speaker 3 And next thing you know, I'm standing shirtless in a mirror, just calling myself every horrible name

Speaker 3 that I can think of.

Speaker 3 You know?

Speaker 3 Tub of fuck.

Speaker 3 Something I've never even heard anybody say. I actually called myself that before I started this diet.

Speaker 3 I actually have suits that I can't fit into anymore. Like, I've hit that point in my life.

Speaker 3 And it's just like,

Speaker 3 I can't,

Speaker 3 I can't be the guy that goes to the fucking dry cleaner to have his suits let out. You go to the tailor, and you're just basically saying, listen, the food one, I quit.

Speaker 3 I quit. I don't want to fucking do this anymore.
So,

Speaker 3 anyways, I did.

Speaker 3 I've just been doing cardio. My fucking shoulder's getting better.
I can't really lift weights or anything.

Speaker 3 I've just been kind of just stretching, doing cardio

Speaker 3 and trying to eat right. I try to eat like from nine to five and then just stop.

Speaker 3 But the other night I was doing that April Foolishness for Kevin and Bean, who I want to thank for having me on that. We did it down at the Shrine Auditorium, which is a famous

Speaker 3 theater out here.

Speaker 3 What the fuck's going on with my brain? I can't even think here. I actually went on Wikipedia.

Speaker 3 That's what happens when I was trying to look at some of this other shit, some of this advertising I have to read. I literally get like anxiety as I look at it.

Speaker 3 Like, oh, God, look how long this fucking copy is. I don't want to to read all that as I'm trying to talk to you guys.
My apologies. I was distracted there.

Speaker 3 So I played the Shrine Auditorium for Kevin and Bean Show,

Speaker 3 April Foolishness, every year that raises money for,

Speaker 3 I think it's premature babies. I believe that's what it is.
I never know what it is. I always ask right before I go on, what is this cause for so I can steer clear of going out there?

Speaker 3 Like, what's up with premature babies? Should we just let them die or something? You know, just not walking into that.

Speaker 3 So we were at the Shrine Auditorium and I went up on Wikipedia, went up, I went to it

Speaker 3 on the internet there,

Speaker 3 and I found out that that is the place, the most legendary thing that I saw that happened at that place, aside from like the Grateful Dead and all these guys doing shows, was that was the place where Michael Jackson shot the Pepsi commercial and had his hair lit on fire, his jerry curl.

Speaker 3 You know, when he was slowly at the beginning, he was in the beginnings of transforming into a white guy.

Speaker 3 You know, I don't know if it was the product he had, if it was a Jerry Curl, if it was a conch. I don't know what he had going on.
Okay.

Speaker 3 I don't know how that mixes with Pepsi and flammable shit, but all I know is his head lit on fire.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 he got second-degree burns. That was it.
And all these fucking people were like crying.

Speaker 3 They were terrified, you know,

Speaker 3 that this tremendous artist, his head caught on fire. His fucking head caught on fire doing a Pepsi commercial.
That was another groundbreaking thing that he did.

Speaker 3 Like, because back in the day, if you were

Speaker 3 any sort of famous person, and if you did a commercial, you would just consider a complete sellout.

Speaker 3 At least in the white world. I don't know how it worked.
He kind of was a hybrid, though, right?

Speaker 3 He's sort of the first Caitlin Jenner, but he did it like in a raceway, you know?

Speaker 3 Like the way he walked out the door, a dude, and came back a woman. He walked out the door, a black guy, and came back a white guy.

Speaker 3 I mean, I can't imagine being friends with that guy. Every time he would leave, you'd just come back.

Speaker 3 He was like a shopaholic, but like for his face. You know what I mean? You know, these chicks are always coming about with coming back with like a new bag.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Or some fucking, I don't know what, shoes or some shit. He would do the same thing, but with his face.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Bill, he was one of the most famous people ever. We know what he did.
Okay, anyways, plowing ahead.

Speaker 3 So I got to do that show down at the Shrine Auditorium, and I cannot even begin to tell you what a fucking great time I had. Unbelievable crowd.

Speaker 3 Like, I had to do a half hour at the end of all these other monsters going out there, fucking killing it

Speaker 3 the entire night. And Steve-O did a hilarious fucking stunt.
Fucking hilarious. And I got to go on, like, at the end of all this shit and do a half hour, and it was fucking effortless.

Speaker 3 That's how great the crowd was. So I want to thank everybody who came out for for that wonderful cause that I believe was

Speaker 3 for

Speaker 3 premature kids. Do you guys like the birds chirping in the background? Somebody mentioned to me that's fucking hilarious, listening to me going off on shit with birds chirping.
I usually don't

Speaker 3 do my fucking podcast in this room. I just do it because it's the furthest one away from my daughter who's sleeping.

Speaker 3 I don't want to hear me dropping all the F-bombs. So anyways, the end of the show comes, right?

Speaker 3 And everybody's shaking hands. Oh, you are great.
No, you are great. No, I like how your mind works.
No, I like how your mind works better. You know, we're all doing the Hollywood thing, right?

Speaker 3 Everybody had a good set.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 once again, I ran into one of these crazy fucking parents, right?

Speaker 3 This is fucking hilarious. This is what this person did.
They said, oh, congratulations on your daughter. I said, oh, you brought it up.
You brought it up. Now I got to show you a picture.
Right?

Speaker 3 So her and her husband are standing there, right?

Speaker 3 The young, young people, right?

Speaker 3 They look like they're single. They don't even look like they have kids.
And I just show them the picture, and she just goes, oh, yeah, it's so easy. You see, it's so easy.
It's so easy.

Speaker 3 She started pointing at my kid, going, it's so easy. I'm like, what the fuck is she talking about?

Speaker 3 I've heard she's adorable, she's cute. Oh, my God, look at those cheeks.
She's going, oh, yeah, it's so, it's so easy. Yeah, see, you see, it's so easy.
I'm like, what do you mean it's so easy?

Speaker 3 She goes, she goes, we have three.

Speaker 3 We have three. It's so hard.
You have no idea. It's so, and just she used my daughter's picture as a way to launch into how fucking difficult her life was.

Speaker 3 First of all, it's like, how fucking difficult is your life? The two of you look like you've been P90X and

Speaker 3 you guys don't have an ounce of fat on you. You don't have bags under your eyes.
It's Saturday night. You're out at a show.

Speaker 3 Neither one of you yawning. And they were going, yeah, we had one.
And then

Speaker 3 we got pregnant again. And we had.

Speaker 3 And I was going like, oh, you know, I'm sitting there trying to be empathetic. Oh, yeah, you know,

Speaker 3 I hear two is like a game changer, and then three, it's like you're outnumbered. She goes, oh, no, we went from one right to three.
Like,

Speaker 3 we had twins next. And

Speaker 3 two kids,

Speaker 3 I don't even know what that feels like. We don't even know what that feels like.
It's just like, you know what?

Speaker 3 You don't know what it's like to be in a fucking log cabin with no fucking heat like they had 200 years ago. It's fucking hard.
Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 3 I swear to God,

Speaker 3 people like that, it's just, I just feel bad for their kids. It's like, you have to be, you got to be a fucking terrible parent.
What kind of person has a kid, right?

Speaker 3 And all I do when I see other people's kids is I just think of how much that person must love that kid. They have to feel the same way that I do about my kid.
And then I'm happy for them.

Speaker 3 Who the fuck looks at somebody else's kid and just compares life? Oh, it's so, it's so easy. Yeah, see, it's easy.

Speaker 3 And then I go, yeah, you know, well, we're thinking of having another one.

Speaker 3 And then the guy goes, yeah, just have one. Don't have two more.
First of all, like, you can control it. Ugh, they drive me up the fucking wall.
I fucking, I'm going to say it.

Speaker 3 I fucking hate parents, generally speaking. I cannot stand them.

Speaker 3 They're like fucking martyrs.

Speaker 3 They're like these fucking, it's like you put yourself in this situation.

Speaker 3 Shut the fuck up. You have three people that are going to be sad when you die.

Speaker 3 They're actually going to give a shit. And they're going to show up and say how great you are.

Speaker 3 Isn't that enough? Oh, it's so hard. You have Noah A'relli with iPads and fucking 200 channels of cable.
You can put them in front of a fucking plasma TV. It's like looking into

Speaker 3 a tropical fish tank all day for them.

Speaker 3 Yeah, they're soft. You know what I mean? I don't know.
I just.

Speaker 3 Oh, God. There's so many times in my life like I wish I could just go back like that.
Believe it or not, I'm great in the moment on stage. I'm so bad at it when I'm off stage.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 I'm just, you know, because I immediately just get to this anger level and then I end up looking like a psycho. Like, I wish I just said that to him.
Like, you guys sound like terrible parents.

Speaker 3 Do you want to put your kids up for adoption so maybe you can go back to doing blow or whatever the fuck it is that you miss?

Speaker 3 Do you know how Battak, I wish I could go back to last night and just tap that guy on his shoulder and just point at his cell phone on top of mine and just be like, on a psychological level, would you like to explain this to me?

Speaker 3 How did this happen? Was this by accident?

Speaker 3 But I don't. I don't fucking say anything.
And then I just fucking write people off and then they look at me like I'm out of my mind, which I am. I'm definitely out of my mind.

Speaker 3 But I'll tell you right now, I'm not the only one.

Speaker 3 I am not the only one. And I have learned that.
I learned that this weekend.

Speaker 3 Oh, it's so easy. See, it's so easy.
It's so easy. It's like, why would you say it? You don't have any fucking idea.
Imagine if I had a special needs kid and you're pointing at it saying it's so easy.

Speaker 3 What the fuck is wrong with you? Oh, that's right. You're completely self-involved.

Speaker 3 Oh!

Speaker 3 Oh, it felt good to get this out. Oh, Jesus.
I'm glad I didn't say it. I'm glad I saved it for the podcast.

Speaker 3 But wouldn't the podcast be better if I actually started saying these things to people so then I would have the confrontations and then I could just, maybe I could then do a two-hour podcast.

Speaker 3 Hey, who knows?

Speaker 3 Who knows?

Speaker 3 So, you know, as I mentioned earlier, or the last podcast,

Speaker 3 I finally got serious satellite radio in my car. So I'm fucking listening to the 80s channel, the 70s channel, NHL.

Speaker 3 You know, I listened to OP show, Jim Norton's fucking show, and I finally listened to Howard Stern for the first time in fucking forever.

Speaker 3 And he had Craig Ferguson on, and Craig Ferguson was going on and on about the Chappelle fucking special. I got to check it out.

Speaker 3 He was going on and on. It might be the greatest one I've ever seen.
I'm like, well, fuck, I got to check that out.

Speaker 3 I got to fucking check that one out. But half of me does not want to watch it because I know it's going to be.

Speaker 3 I don't want to feel like, oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Certain people you watch to get inspired. I can't watch his shit because I'd be like, oh, God, I suck.

Speaker 3 Really?

Speaker 3 The gap is still that large.

Speaker 3 You know, I don't know. Every once, you know, every once in a while you think you're fucking Hendricks and then you realize you're just playing a ukulele, right? Isn't that what happens?

Speaker 3 Isn't that what life is?

Speaker 3 Anyways, let me let me read a little bit of the advertising here.

Speaker 3 It's unbelievable. It's the greatest special I've ever seen.

Speaker 3 I was just like, Jesus Christ. All right.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 3 Anyways, hey, how about the fucking

Speaker 3 the Patriots? Might be talking up to Adrian Peterson, huh? If you're a fucking,

Speaker 3 I don't know, if you've been watching the Patriots for a long time, doesn't that remind you when we signed Corey Dillon?

Speaker 3 That'd be nice to get that fucking guy, wouldn't it? Maybe see Tom Brady get number six,

Speaker 3 right?

Speaker 3 Somebody said he said he wanted to play for another five or six years. That's fucking unbelievable.

Speaker 3 Just the fact that he's going to do that means he's going to play for at least another three. So he has a legitimate shot at getting another ring.

Speaker 3 Unreal. Unreal.
Good lord, I fucking enjoy that. All right.
Because every time, every year he plays, I always think this could be the last year. This could be the last fucking year.

Speaker 3 You know, Belichick is almost 70 years old. Brady's going to be 40, you know, and you know, oh, we're going to fucking

Speaker 3 what's going to happen on that franchise when those two people leave. Who knows? Because what's his face? Robert Kraft, his three coaching hires: Bill Parcells, Pete Carroll, Bill Belichick.

Speaker 3 He's three for three.

Speaker 3 All right, let's read some of these

Speaker 3 some of these emails for the week.

Speaker 3 Girl freaks out.

Speaker 3 Hey there, Billy Boy George.

Speaker 3 You know, it's funny, I never liked him when I was

Speaker 3 in the 80s. You know, I was too homophobic to like that guy.
But his fucking drum is the shit on there. Do you really want to hurt me?

Speaker 3 I love the fucking drums on that song.

Speaker 3 Anyways, not sure if you saw this yet. Some girl freaked out at a yogurt shop in Santa Monica because the couple behind her kissed each other.

Speaker 3 She starts saying that she was being sexually harassed by them doing so. It gets out of control.

Speaker 3 The funny thing is that she starts off acting like a hacky liberal, but then ends acting like a hacky conservative as she shifted through stages of emotion.

Speaker 3 The Phoenix video, tour video, looked great. Can't wait for San Jose.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I actually watched some of that. At first, I love this woman because I hate people who fuck, I don't hate, I hate looking at people making out in public.
It's fucking gross.

Speaker 3 It's fucking gross. Your tongues jam down each other's throats.
You know?

Speaker 3 It's like,

Speaker 3 I don't want to look at it, especially when I'm around food.

Speaker 3 I totally get what she's saying, but then she took it too far when she started saying that

Speaker 3 she was being sexually harassed.

Speaker 3 What I did love, though, is I love how the extreme close-up when she's yelling into the camera, it reminded me of that movie Misery, you know, where that lady's like, you can't wait to cocky dude, whatever the fuck she says.

Speaker 3 Was there anything more satisfying in a fucking movie when he finally got out of bed and started slamming that bitch's head against the floor? Ugh.

Speaker 3 Just laying there that powerless. Do you know in the book, she actually cuts his feet off rather than breaking his goddamn ankles?

Speaker 3 I gotta be honest with you, I really think I could have sweet talked my way out of that bed.

Speaker 3 I really would have. I would have acted like I wanted to fuck her.
You know?

Speaker 3 I would have done that, right?

Speaker 3 I would have told her that I was never going to leave her. I would have built her fucking up until I started to be able to walk around, right?

Speaker 3 And then I would actually, and once I could even,

Speaker 3 this is how long of a slow play I would go with that woman.

Speaker 3 I would actually, I would, after I could walk, I would stay in a three-month relationship with her till she got so fucking comfortable, right?

Speaker 3 And then one day I'd be making my famous fucking scrambled eggs, take out a fucking skeleton.

Speaker 3 That would be it, man.

Speaker 3 I would stay in a relationship with that woman until the fucking snow melted. You know?

Speaker 3 And I could shake off whatever thing I had to do. Yeah, fucking her.
I could shake that off. I'm German-Irish.
I could fucking, I could put that in a box and never think of it again. No pun intended.

Speaker 3 That's what I would have done. He fucked up.
You know what I mean? He actually wrote the real fucking book.

Speaker 3 I guess that's because I know that she was out of her mind, but I swear to God, I would have fucking

Speaker 3 I would have told her that I loved what she did with her hair, all of that thing. The hardest thing would have been was not laughing the noises that she would have made during intersex.

Speaker 3 Intersex, intercourse, intersex.

Speaker 3 Anyways, I don't know what that says about me, but you know, that's how I would have got out of it. I would have just gone totally like, oh, yeah, you're beautiful.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 This soup is fucking delicious.

Speaker 3 And I would have just talked to her and just find out what the exact fucking book she wanted wanted me to write, and that's exactly what I would have written.

Speaker 3 Maybe I'd hit her with a typewriter, like some sort of symbolism.

Speaker 3 I don't know, but at the end of the day, you know, fucking some pig versus getting both of your fucking ankles broken. I mean, I don't think there's a

Speaker 3 there's really no trade-off, right?

Speaker 3 You probably wouldn't, she's such a fucking lunatic, she's probably like asexual. You probably don't even have to do that, you know?

Speaker 3 Just laugh at her jokes, I think you would have been all right.

Speaker 3 Anyways, I just went on a tangent there. Sorry about that.

Speaker 3 Here we go. So, anyways, getting back to that.
Yeah, I don't like when

Speaker 3 I don't like watching people make out. It's fucking gross to me.
I hate it. The two things I hate most in movies is when people are fucking making out

Speaker 3 and people when they're eating in a scene and they're fucking

Speaker 3 making those fucking noises.

Speaker 3 There's nothing worse than watching an actor eat in a scene because most times they're not eating, so they have to overact eating. And everybody, I don't know what happens.

Speaker 3 They turn into fucking animals. They start eating with their mouths open.
They start pointing at people with the bread.

Speaker 3 That, and I hate love scenes in movies. You know what I mean? Like when they take it to the point where literally one actor is sucking on the other actor's titties, it's just like, I get it.

Speaker 3 They're going to have sex. Like, why do you got to take it to this level? Are you making a porno now? If I want to watch a porno, I'll just watch a fucking porno.

Speaker 3 Why can't you just have them walk in the bedroom bedroom and they close the door? I get it. They fucked.

Speaker 3 Like, who is that for?

Speaker 3 Take my breath away.

Speaker 3 They're always up against the wall.

Speaker 3 It's fucking raining out or some shit. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Rather than they're getting used to each other,

Speaker 3 figuring out which lip to go for. Do you go for the top lip or the bottom lip? You know what I mean? What position do you like? Do you like to have your ass slapped or not?

Speaker 3 All that shit's out of the way. They just automatically start acting like they've been banging each other the whole summer.

Speaker 3 Little red, come home. Whatever fucking songs they play.

Speaker 3 What are some of the stupid? In the 80s, they always played that stupid saxophone. The saxophone got ruined in the 80s.

Speaker 3 It went from this, like,

Speaker 3 it went literally from this instrument that when it was in the hands of a black person, it actually scared the CIA

Speaker 3 to the 80s, where it just meant that Tom Cruise was going to fuck somebody.

Speaker 3 You know, half of those jazz guys in the fucking from the 40s, 50s, and 60s, they had their fucking phones bugged by the goddamn J. Edgar Hoover and the FBI.

Speaker 3 And then just, it just somehow, it just all went to shit in the 70s. It all went to shit in the fucking 70s.
You know, they whacked everybody that they needed to whack in the 60s.

Speaker 3 They figured out how not to lose public support of a war after the debacle of Vietnam. Right? And so now they got everybody.
Everybody's going to support troops. I support troops.
I support troops.

Speaker 3 I support. Everybody's going to say they support.
Who doesn't support the troops? They're on our team.

Speaker 3 But the brilliance is they've now morphed that into you cannot criticize the war if you do or anything that they're the that the the the the the Pentagon is doing because now you're criticizing some 18 year old who's over there fighting for your freedom it's fucking brilliant

Speaker 3 and we should have seen this coming with what happened to the saxophone in the 80s.

Speaker 3 All right. Girlfriend says I'm stagnant.
Oh, Jesus. Oh, dude, that's a major red flag.

Speaker 3 Hey, Bill, you tiny Tim-looking red-nosed peckerhead.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 Who is Tiny Tim again?

Speaker 3 Oh, Tiny Tim's that ugly motherfucker with the ukulele. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 3 He looks like if somebody beat the shit out of George Washington. Thank you.
Wow, that that one really hurt.

Speaker 3 Anyways, maybe I'll pull up Michael Jackson. Get a cleft in my chin.

Speaker 3 Love you. Love your podcast, but you wrote you.
Love your podcast, even though I never get any advice.

Speaker 3 Will you give me some? I have, oh, this is somebody who's not going to use any punctuation. This is all one sentence.

Speaker 3 Loved you podcast. Oh, maybe this person's foreign.
Loved you podcast, even though I never get any advice. Will you give me some advice? Will you give me some?

Speaker 3 I have this this girlfriend I really like. That's all one sentence.
We worked together at the local restaurant. I was fine until I got fired.

Speaker 3 Then I got into a fight with my girlfriend's sister's boyfriend. Got that? No, I don't.

Speaker 3 All right, let me try to break this down here.

Speaker 3 All right, you have this girlfriend you really like. We worked together at the local restaurant.
I guess everything was cool, and then you got fired. And then you got into a fight with her,

Speaker 3 with her sister,

Speaker 3 her sister's boyfriend.

Speaker 3 Okay, so your girlfriend at work, you got into a fight with her sister's boyfriend, and then you got fired from the TGI Fridays, whatever the fuck you did. All right, I'm back on board.

Speaker 3 Then I got a DWAI

Speaker 3 driving while alcohol influenced. I don't know what I don't know what the fuck's going on here.

Speaker 3 And I feel like a complete loser, and sometimes it gets me depressed.

Speaker 3 Also, I still give her rides to work, which she tells me means nothing, and also says she loves me, but has been getting meaner every day. I don't get a job.

Speaker 3 All right. Well, okay.
Well, in defense of her, you have to understand with a woman that if you're not bringing in money, you just literally have

Speaker 3 you're like a 40-year-old teenager at that point. You're just like a big kid she has to deal with.

Speaker 3 You know, and women, they're all feminists until they have to start paying for everything.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Like, what's fucked up with sexism and all that,

Speaker 3 and that guys have better paying jobs, evidently. I have no idea.
I've never asked people what the fuck they make, but let's just say what they're saying is true.

Speaker 3 What's fucked up is it now created this thing where women can date, and like you're you're always for the most part dating up,

Speaker 3 you know?

Speaker 3 If you have reasonable fucking looks, okay, and you had a reasonably good childhood, and for whatever, you're not migrating towards fucking losers, all right?

Speaker 3 You can actually always be in a situation where getting married is a good thing because the other person makes more money than you.

Speaker 3 So, even if the whole fucking thing falls apart, you're going to get the house, you're going to get the child support, you're going to get the alimony, right?

Speaker 3 Only lately are we finally starting to see women having to do that, and it's fucking hilarious. Like, they freak the fuck out.
Like, what?

Speaker 3 Right? A woman paid alimony was if, like, I all of a sudden got my period. And, like, wait, I got to do this now? What the fuck, right?

Speaker 3 Anyway, so, anyways, let me get back to the fucking thing here.

Speaker 3 I keep going on tangents here. I need to stay focused.

Speaker 3 So, okay, so you got a DUI, right? And she still gives you shit. Okay, so now you're not making any money.
So, you know,

Speaker 3 and you're all depressed and you don't have a car.

Speaker 3 So I'm I'm guessing you're not really looking for a fucking job. Or maybe she's just mean as shit.
I don't know.

Speaker 3 Anyways, he said, I've never had trouble getting work when I needed it, but now I feel like a lazy piece of shit. My girlfriend called me

Speaker 3 stagnant and told me she's worried. She said tonight she would see me later, then changed it to or talk to you later and trailed off muttering some inaudible bullshit.
I need to pay my rent tomorrow

Speaker 3 and I'm I'm basically broke as fuck. I gave her a key to my place, and she agreed to pay half the rent,

Speaker 3 but I feel like I'm twisting her arm to do it. Yeah, dude, what are you doing? I feel stagnant too and depressed, and she makes it hard to think sometimes.

Speaker 3 So I secretly bought a train ticket to California.

Speaker 3 So I secretly bought a train ticket to California from New York that leaves in two weeks. I'm debating whether to stay here, keep looking for a job in a dead economy,

Speaker 3 try and work things out with my girl. I'm sorry, guys, like this is not me here.
This is how this is written.

Speaker 3 And face the music by paying thousands of fines and traffic tickets while I'm broke as fuck, or go with a couple of hippie friends, hike through

Speaker 3 like he threw a ball, the state of California while stopping to work on woofing farms in between. Is this like Jack Herouak shit?

Speaker 3 I don't know. I'm starting to think this isn't real.
To stay or to go?

Speaker 3 I don't know, but if she calls me stagnant again, I'll be out and over the horizon. I feel bad and I don't know what the fuck to do, so any advice is appreciated.
Thanks and go fuck yourself.

Speaker 3 Yeah, first of all, all right, let's just eliminate the woman from all of this, okay?

Speaker 3 You need to pay your traffic tickets, dude. If you think you're just going to walk away from that, you're going to end up doing jail time.
A buddy of mine did that, okay?

Speaker 3 And they put him in county, which you don't want to be in, because that's all different levels of fucking people, at at least in LA.

Speaker 3 That's like rapist lunatics, light their own kid on fire, right down to, yeah, I had a bunch of traffic tickets, and it got to such a well, my traffic ticket, he didn't have a traffic ticket.

Speaker 3 He had a DUI, and he didn't show up to court. Maybe he won't go to jail.
I don't know, but it's going to be a fucking nightmare. And that's going to be hanging over your head.

Speaker 3 And then you're going to have to try to work under the table, which is going to cause you not to fucking pay taxes. It's going to be a nightmare.
So

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 3 I would reach out for help, is what I would do. And it doesn't sound like your girlfriend wants to do it anymore.

Speaker 3 You haven't told me how long you've been unemployed, but it sounds like she's at the brink of being fed up with you.

Speaker 3 But you did get into a fight, you did get fired, you did drink and drive, so you're making a bunch of bad moves.

Speaker 3 And it's not her fault that she's trying to envision a future with you.

Speaker 3 And all she's seeing is that she's going to work while you're boozing it up and she has to support you. And I'm going to go out on a limb here.

Speaker 3 I don't like speaking for the ladies, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say I don't think a lot of women are looking for that in the future. So I would man up.

Speaker 3 You need to man the fuck up and realize that you are stagnant. You need to get your shit together.
All right. I don't know what you have to do to find a fucking job.
That's a difficult thing.

Speaker 3 But I don't know. Can you ask your parents for some help? Maybe you fucking leave your apartment, move back in with your parents while you get through this.

Speaker 3 You bottom the fuck out, you sober up, you start working out with the old weights you left in your parents' garage, you find a fucking job, all right?

Speaker 3 Get on a payment plan with your fucking tickets and all of that shit. Get all of that off the table.
Maybe even break up with your girlfriend. Get your shit together.

Speaker 3 Create a whole new fucking you, and maybe you get a new girlfriend that's beyond the level of this one here that was working at the fucking restaurant or wherever the hell you were at. All right?

Speaker 3 But just know this. You sound like you're still young.
You got your whole life ahead of you. And, you know,

Speaker 3 what you're doing is you're giving into your situation rather than fucking picking yourself up off the mat. All right? So get up off the floor.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. All right?

Speaker 3 You have all the power in the world to turn that thing around. All right.
And that's it. Get a job, pay off your tickets, and, you know,

Speaker 3 see what happens with that woman. You know, maybe she's not the one.
Maybe she is. Who knows? Who gives a fuck? But work on your life.
Work on yourself. There you go.

Speaker 3 All right, girlfriend's ultimatum. Now, Jesus Christ.
Here we go again.

Speaker 3 Hey, Billy Bond. My girlfriend, parentheses of over one year, recently gave me an ultimatum.
Weed or her?

Speaker 3 I chose weed.

Speaker 3 All right, there's a person who knows what he likes. Did you say that?

Speaker 3 Did you say that in the moment? Did you wait a few days? Did you mull it over for at least a few minutes?

Speaker 3 Sick of your pot smoking, okay?

Speaker 3 And I know that, you know, I said earlier that I was okay with it, but the truth is, I'm not. You're high all the time.
I think it's affecting you, and it's just,

Speaker 3 I'm to the point I can't do this anymore.

Speaker 3 So you need to make a choice.

Speaker 3 Either you choose me

Speaker 3 or you choose marijuana.

Speaker 3 What's it going to be?

Speaker 3 I'm going to choose the weed, sweetheart. See ya.

Speaker 3 She's going to slowly walk with her head down out the fucking door. It couldn't have gone down like that.

Speaker 3 Anyways, however, as I perceived it, it was a choice of reason versus absurdity, not her versus weed. Allow me to defend myself.
Absolutely, sir. You have the floor.

Speaker 3 Or ma'am, you know, this might be a lesbian relationship. My girl and I started smoking together about two months ago.
She was never big on it, but I was a self-admitted pothead in the past.

Speaker 3 We started smoking a couple months ago at her request.

Speaker 3 We would smoke one or two hits per night before bed. Well, last night, she decided that she didn't like smoking weed anymore because she doesn't like the feeling of being high.

Speaker 3 Apparently, in that same moment, she became morally opposed to the idea of marijuana, and she proceeded to call me an addict that has a serious problem.

Speaker 3 And in a grand dramatic gesture, she flushed my remaining weed down the toilet and made me choose her or weed.

Speaker 3 Wow, that escalated, as they say, in Anchorman.

Speaker 3 She kept pointing at me and yelling, look at yourself. You're so high right now.

Speaker 3 Keep in mind, I took one hit out of a one-hitter.

Speaker 3 I called bullshit on all of her arguments because, as long as I've known her, she has never had a problem with weed and would often encourage me to use it because it does reduce my anxiety and temper.

Speaker 3 She often brags about her ex-boyfriend selling weed and her ex-husband smoking every day and it not being an issue.

Speaker 3 All right, I was kind of hearing her argument until those last

Speaker 3 fucking two sentences. Wow, this person, this is a fucking retread you're with, huh? Jesus.

Speaker 3 You got her out of the recycle bin there, huh?

Speaker 3 So I assumed this wasn't about weed, but something else.

Speaker 3 I assume it's the result of me telling her months ago, uh-oh, here we go, that I wouldn't be with her if she continued to drink because she had a serious,

Speaker 3 seriously unhealthy relationship with alcohol. So I imagine she's trying to use this as her chance to play holier than thou card.

Speaker 3 For the record, I don't want to smoke weed all day/slash every day. It's the principle of the thing.
But now my relationship is riding on this thing, and

Speaker 3 I don't want

Speaker 3 to do.

Speaker 3 What? It's riding on this thing, and I don't want to do. I think it's riding on this thing that you don't want to do.
I think what you're trying to say. What are your thoughts? Help her brother out.

Speaker 3 Do I want to deal with this crazy level of hypocrisy forever? Thanks and go fuck yourself.

Speaker 3 I don't think so. No.

Speaker 3 I don't think so.

Speaker 3 And the detached way that you're able to talk about her, and you never once said that, you know, I really love her, though. You never said that.

Speaker 3 So,

Speaker 3 sounds like she had a rough childhood that led into alcohol abuse and to her picking some really fucking

Speaker 3 some real winners here, drug dealers and fucking, I don't know, Mike, I don't know what her ex-husband did, but he smoked every day.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I think

Speaker 3 the way you tell it, it doesn't sound like a rational person. So

Speaker 3 on the other side, I will tell you, there are a lot of people that get high every day and don't think that they have a problem.

Speaker 3 Whereas if you get drunk every day, people call you drunk and say, you know, you have a problem.

Speaker 3 I have a couple friends of mine that did that for a good 20 fucking years and they paid the price.

Speaker 3 Smoking weed every single fucking day, it's like everything. You wouldn't want to eat ice cream every day.
You'd be a fat fuck. You drink booze every day, you're going to have a bad liver.

Speaker 3 Gallbladder, gin blossoming, fucking alcohol is brutal. And I actually, you know, now that I've finally been educated a little bit on weed, I really do believe it's way, way worse.

Speaker 3 It definitely ages you way, way, way more

Speaker 3 than weed does. But I don't think, like, you know,

Speaker 3 wake and bake people and people who need weed to fall asleep. I know it helps with anxiety and shit like that.
And obviously,

Speaker 3 you know, pain of chemotherapy. It's got a lot of great things.
But

Speaker 3 what it really comes down to is if it's not, if you feel it's not affecting your life, then I would just continue to do what you're doing.

Speaker 3 But it's something that, as an adult, you know, when you move out and your parents aren't there to fucking question your behavior, you really have to,

Speaker 3 I feel, be extra tough on yourself. Like, I drank way too much last year, way too fucking much.
So I'm glad that I kind of have it back under control. And even now, I probably drink way too much.

Speaker 3 So I'm trying to

Speaker 3 look at that type of shit. And you know what's funny? When I don't drink,

Speaker 3 you know, I'm more apt to take a hit of weed because I'm just used to having a little bit of a buzz every couple of days.

Speaker 3 So then I, that always, whenever I quit drinking, then there'll be like a two-week period that if somebody has weed, hey, you want a hit, I'll actually take a hit. And I never smoke weed.

Speaker 3 But then after that, then I, then I just, you know, I just don't like weed. I'm just not into it.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 then after like two weeks, then I just kind of just don't do anything. And then that's when I start getting into shape again.

Speaker 3 So So, whatever, man. I think, you know, you sound pretty level-headed, and you never said you loved her.
So, I would get out of that. That sounds like a fucking,

Speaker 3 you'd really have to, like, the amount of baggage she sounds like she has,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 3 me marrying a fucking alcoholic. I mean, that just, that's, that really takes a fucking saint.

Speaker 3 If you're sober,

Speaker 3 sort of, I don't know. I don't know why you'd want to put yourself through that.
All right. That's their issue to fucking deal with.

Speaker 3 And you got to be selfish when you want to find the right person. So there you go.
All right, older lady wants to bang. Oh, GG.

Speaker 3 Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.

Speaker 3 All right. Hey, Bill, I am a 22-year-old senior at college just outside of Baltimore, and I'm a big fan of your stand-up and podcast.
Well, thank you.

Speaker 3 I caught your show when you came to Baltimore, and you absolutely killed it. Thank you again.
Anyways,

Speaker 3 I wanted your advice as it relates to an older fucking lady.

Speaker 3 So, just to give you a little background, last summer I decided to get in shape. I developed a nice workout routine and subsequently lost 40 pounds and really built up some muscle.

Speaker 3 As a result, women have been

Speaker 3 showing a lot more interest in me. There you go.
Turned it around. Good for you.
I'm happy for you. And I have definitely had more confidence with talking to women.

Speaker 3 All right, well, keep going, keep going, and keep shooting for the moon. Talk Talk to those chicks you think are out of your league.
See what happens.

Speaker 3 Anyways, now I have been using some dating apps and have met and hooked up with more women than I have ever have before. Not bragging, it's just the facts.

Speaker 3 All right, well, I hope you're using a condom there.

Speaker 3 Fucking studly.

Speaker 3 So recently, and this may sound weird, I ran across this incredibly attractive 50-year-old woman on one of the dating apps and liked her profile just kind of as a joke. No, you didn't.

Speaker 3 You were attracted to her. Who gives a shit? She is a classic example of a cougar.
She's like Mrs. Robinson from the graduate or that horny bitch from Sex in the City who just fucks everybody.

Speaker 3 Oh my god, yeah, the most one-dimensional character ever.

Speaker 3 Kim Cottrell's character. It's just fucking every fucking line.
It's like, I get it.

Speaker 3 You fuck a lot of guys.

Speaker 3 Has anybody ever just. There has to be a YouTube video where everybody just put all those lines from the entire fucking

Speaker 3 series. It's like

Speaker 3 my Nia used to watch the thing

Speaker 3 all the way back when it was on, when we were still living in New York, we were living together in this apartment, I would just be on the other side of the apartment, she'd be watching it.

Speaker 3 And anytime Kim Cottrell's character would say something, I would always be in the background. I would just go, Cause she's a whore.

Speaker 3 Anyways, he says, much to my surprise, I matched with her.

Speaker 3 I don't know what that means. She hit you back, basically.
She's surprisingly sexually aggressive. Now it isn't.
Women fucking by their mid-30s, they know what the fuck they want.

Speaker 3 They don't give a shit anymore. And clearly wants to fuck me.
She sends me messages all the time and talks about how she likes younger men. Of course she does.

Speaker 3 She doesn't want to bang some fucking old bastard like me. She followed me on Snapchat recently and started sending me nude pictures and shit.

Speaker 3 Now, at least in my experience, young guys always joke about the prospects of fucking a cougar.

Speaker 3 All my friends are saying I should just fuck her, but I can't shake the feeling that there's something fucked up about it. Is it weird that she's over twice my age?

Speaker 3 What are your thoughts on this, Bill? Should I fuck her, or is it a bad idea? Let me know. Thanks and go fuck yourself.
Oh, sir, this is going to be a great lesson for you.

Speaker 3 How old did you say you were?

Speaker 3 22.

Speaker 3 Okay, I will tell you this, and it took me into my early 40s to learn this.

Speaker 3 There is no way to ever

Speaker 3 overemphasize the importance of listening to your gut.

Speaker 3 Listening to your gut will,

Speaker 3 I'm telling you, when your gut just tells you, man, this doesn't feel right, fucking walk away.

Speaker 3 Walk away every fucking time.

Speaker 3 Okay? Unless it's like it's something, you know, it's some sort of stage fright thing, some sort of anxiety thing that you have to get over. You're not afraid of fucking women, okay?

Speaker 3 Now, all of a sudden, this woman's coming, and this is fucking feeling that you're feeling this ain't right. So just fucking walk.

Speaker 3 Walk.

Speaker 3 Walk away, okay?

Speaker 3 What kind of a fucking 50-year-old is sending naked pictures to somebody half their fucking age? All right? Now, I know in this day of hyper-feminism, they'll say that that's actually brave.

Speaker 3 It's this, it's that, it's empowering. It's fucking pathetic.
Because all you have to do is slide it over. If a guy was sending dick pics to a 22-year-old chick, see what I'm saying?

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? This is like

Speaker 3 whatever.

Speaker 3 Anyways, yeah, dude, fucking walk away. That's a, you know, that's a fucking train wreck.
And your gut is telling you that, and you need to just listen to your gut. All right?

Speaker 3 When you go into a job interview and you're fucking sitting across from the person, they're talking to you.

Speaker 3 I'm telling you, beyond just interviewing, you're going to get a sense. I swear to God, I took a meeting one time

Speaker 3 with somebody, and the second I met this person, I just didn't like them, and there was something about them.

Speaker 3 They felt sleazy, and I got this joke thief vibe from them, and I immediately stopped telling stories and all that shit.

Speaker 3 And I ended up going, and I just was like, wow, I thought I really wanted to meet that person. Then I met them, and they weren't what I thought they were going to be.

Speaker 3 And then I talked to like two or three people about them. They're like, yeah, that guy's got a fucking rep for stealing shit.

Speaker 3 I'm telling you, you got to listen to your gut.

Speaker 3 That's how you

Speaker 3 end up not in the trunk of a serial killer's car. Is your gut's going to tell you, hey, you know, I don't give a fuck if this person has a flat.
Keep driving. You're going to feel it.

Speaker 3 You're going to feel that weird thing. So good for you.
Don't do it. All right.

Speaker 3 Here we go. All right.
Let's read the last thing here. Overrated, underrated.

Speaker 3 Hey, you brewing loving fuck. Boston Brewing Love and Fuck.
Make sure you get it right. The original Bruins, not like the UCLA Bruins,

Speaker 3 who came later.

Speaker 3 Overrated. Sidney Crosby is the most overrated cunt I can think of.
Oh, give me a fucking break, dude. All right, so he scored a lot of goals against your team, is what I'm guessing.

Speaker 3 Anyways, he said, I wish this

Speaker 3 cocksucker would be held accountable for just one of the ridiculous fucking antics he pulls. This bag of shit, most recently, jams his stick into Ryan O'Reilly's nuts from behind.

Speaker 3 You can see in the replay, he waits for the ref to be screened and assassinates O'Reilly's future kids.

Speaker 3 He won't even get a fine. Fuck him and every cunt that roots for him.

Speaker 3 I understand that. I understand that.
But, you know, Lu Cheech used to play for us, and he was the king of spear and people in the taint and the nuts.

Speaker 3 I don't know. I would just, you know, he also makes the league a lot of money, and superstars have different rules.
That's just how it is.

Speaker 3 But I will tell you this: that guy's backhander is fucking f has more power and speed to it than a lot of guys. Wrist is in the league.
Best backhand I've ever seen. And,

Speaker 3 you know, I have to give it up to greatness. But, you know,

Speaker 3 he used to whine a lot when he was younger. I think half of it was his pouty lips, so it made it look even worse.
But I don't know. That guy's a stud man.
But I understand not liking him.

Speaker 3 Anyways, underrated. Bowling.
I recently found out I have a spine problem. I have spine problems, so I had to quit softball and flag football.
The good thing I was at high school

Speaker 3 I was good at, I guess the sport I was good at. A lot of people fucking up this week.

Speaker 3 The sports I was good at high school, in high school,

Speaker 3 but not that good starter kit. You left out a couple of words in that thing, buddy.
Anyways, my brother turned me on to bowling leagues, and it's way better than I ever gave it credit for.

Speaker 3 It's competitive, you win a little money, and if you suck ass, you can walk 10 feet to the bar

Speaker 3 and get lit. Slash win-win.
Thanks, go fuck yourself. Absolutely.
Bowling's the shit.

Speaker 3 But I will tell you, I would definitely go to a chiropractor and I would get a great masseuse, and maybe they can work out a lot of your back stuff because,

Speaker 3 you know, if you're going to go from active shit to something inactive like that and add alcohol, you're going to put on weight, which is not going to be good for your certainly your lower back.

Speaker 3 You can be walking around like you're in your third trimester and you're never giving birth. You know know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Terminal pregnancy.

Speaker 3 A fucking booze and pizza. All right, everybody.

Speaker 3 That is the podcast for this week. All right.
Always listen to your gut. Go fuck yourselves.
And I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Speaker 1 Go, Bruins. Go, Celtics.

Speaker 3 Go fuck yourselves.

Speaker 3 to

Speaker 3 me,

Speaker 3 but you're so young.