Opening Night, Baseball, Val Kilmer | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-3-25

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you just checking in on you seeing how your week's going oh billy freckles oh billy freckles big news big news i put on a pair of 34 inch jeans legit ones old school cotton ones not these new ones with the elastic waistband where you think you're a fucking 34 and you're actually like a 40 you know because they don't want you to know that your food supply is poison because they can't give you the truth right they got a dude they still we talking about these are 34s they still fucking fit so put these things on I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna act like these these jeans were a little tight I'm not gonna act like these things if I wore them for more than 20 minutes would not affect my mood for the day but I was able to get them on so um this is uh you know as much as I'm back here doing this play, this is my fat camp.

So if I'm going to be away from my family three out of four weeks out of the month,

then I got to get something positive out of this.

So I've just been going to the fucking, the big gay gym every fucking day.

By the way, that was been my stupid dad joke.

Saying my gym is so gay it's spelled J-I-M.

But anyway, underrated.

Go into a big gay gym.

Because those fucking dudes are in ridiculous shape.

So you're just like, you know.

They make you feel even worse about your goddamn dad bod so i've been doing that and uh i've just been doing been doing the play and we got past um opening night so this whole thing has been just such a crazy trip so you have your rehearsals however long that is get to know the cast the director and everybody else on the show and then you have your first show you know eventually you move out of the rehearsal space and you go over to the theater and then that's when it starts getting exciting and you start getting the butterflies going like oh my god I uh we're actually gonna do this I'm gonna be a part of this this is fucking scary but it's exciting right and then uh you have like the first night is like this friends and family you know it's like an adult recital you know when you go down to see your kid do a little performance nobody Nobody heckles. Everybody's going to applaud.
That's the first one. And then you do three weeks of previews.
I never knew any of this shit. Three weeks of previews.
And that's this weird thing where, like, they say critics can't come down and review it, but everybody's paying full price for tickets, so you still have to have a good show. And then toward, like, the last three nights of the previews the critics come you know and uh whatever i mean we ended up getting really good reviews there was a few people you know one person wrote a whole article didn't like it because they thought it was in the wrong venue like they only do musicals on this theater i don't know why you have this i mean i didn't read any of this shit which if you're in this business that's what you have to be i just got feedback from people saying it was all good stuff except this one and this one but like um this is another thing i didn't realize like how you get these theaters is like when they said okay we're gonna it's official they're gonna do the play.
They just have to wait for a play to be available. It's not like you can just be like, okay, and we're doing it here.
It seems like what you have to do is you have to wait for another play to close. Either it ran its course or it wasn't selling tickets.
Oh my God, fucking yawning today. or it's not selling tickets and then the thing becomes available so this place became available so like all right we'll do it there um and this person did not like that but other than that we got uh we got good stuff so then you're working your whole way up to opening night so i was like oh my god opening night this is going to be fucking scary because i thought that that's when the critics were there critics already come and then opening night is actually like one of the best nights because it's all uh these fancy pants broadway people you know big uh famous actors come out and um and everybody's rooting for you they want it to be a good place.
So it ended up being great. And I deliberately made sure that I didn't know who was in the crowd, which was cool.
And then the toughest show is like the next day. One of the actors on the show, Donald, was saying the same thing.
Like the next day, so that after, you know, you have opening night and all that, it's weird. You feel like the play's over.
Like, we did it. Victorious.
They love the show. Oh, my God.
Everybody's saying it's great, right? And then you wake up the next day on tuesday you're like oh shit i got a show tonight i got to do it again so in sports that's known as the letdown game so we got all amped up um to do the next show and we've been uh we've been killing we had oh man like we had a fucking killer uh matinee yesterday i kind of get fucking amped up for those things, the matinee,

because people, oh, it's going to be, you know, it's the blue-haired show.

Like, it's a bunch of old people.

And you look out, it's not old people.

So, you know, they paid a bunch of fucking money for the tickets.

You got to kick the shit out of them.

And it's kind of fun to kick the shit out of people in, like, the afternoon, you know?

Because I think even they're thinking, like, you know, I'll be in bed by seven get my eight hours or whatever and then you come out and you kill it it's uh it's like a really nice surprise but um those matinee shows I can't remember if I talked about this forgive me if did. I've just been running around crazy getting ready for that big opening night thing.
I got this attitude from doing stand-up, the third show on a Saturday night when you would be doing a comedy club and nobody would show up. You'd have like 10, 20 people there.
and i would go out there with 10 20 people energy and um and the show would suck so finally i can't remember who the hell it was some road dog comic told me goes don't go up there like that he goes go up there and and it's not those people's fault that they're the only ones who showed up you know go, go up there and make, you know, those 10, 20 people wish that they all brought 10, 20 people. And just put like a positive spin on it.
And I ended up having like some of my best fucking shows were like the third show in front of like, you know, 25, 30 people. They ended up being like, oh, sorry.
I know we i'm making you guys yawn but i gotta knock this thing out because i got a bunch of shit i have to do today um i end up having some of my best shows doing that so anyway we're on the other side of it so now um the big challenge is because now you know it's out it's a hit it's you know just about sold out so everybody's very happy so the big thing now is you know to come in there mentally every night and just know who's ever in that crowd this is their night to see it you know so you got to make sure yeah you keep that level of excitement and I'm figuring out by watching all these other amazing actors on the show is they do it a little different every night they try something else which sort of makes it fresh for them surprises their scene partner and all that and uh yeah I mean who knew who knew doing Broadway would be this fun. I mean, I knew? Who knew doing Broadway would be this fun?

I mean, I knew it would be fun.

I just didn't know it would be this much

of a learning experience and everything.

So I'm very thankful for that.

What the fuck is my phone saying?

Something went wrong with the upload?

Jesus Christ, this is just some fucking person on the other side of the world trying to get into my phone. Is that what it is? I wasn't uploading anything.
Like, why would you do that? You just send that out to somebody to randomly try to get into their goddamn phone? Anyway, plowing ahead here. I haven't watched the Austin, the C coda race yet in moto gp i did see the sprint and um it's getting ridiculous mark marquez won that so he's won all three sprints he's won two of the races and i you know if he wins that third race then like what is this season becoming um the only person that can hang with them is his brother Alex it's literally the Marquez story and uh and then it just seems like Pecco's gonna be in third place the whole fucking year um there's no way everybody's gonna sit back and just tolerate this right I don't know it feels like when I first started watching MotoGP pre-pandemic that what I'm watching here, this level of dominance, it's fun to see him come back, but there is going to be a point of like, dude, what the fuck? You know? Like those torpedo bats that the Yankees are using.
Like, let's just take it away from the Yankees. Um, I just feel like that's dangerously going into golf territory.
Like, you know, we're finding everybody's, you know, too many dentists are going out there and they're slicing. What can we do to the ball? What can we do to the club to make this person who sucks, you know? It's like it's not up to the dentist to go out and fucking fix his swing.
They're going to fucking fix the club, design the club around what you suck at to straighten out your fucking shot. It's stupid.
So I was listening to Will Clark talking about it, and it was like the analytics people saw that too many of the Yankee players were getting jammed and hitting the ball on the label of the bat, which usually means I guess you get you get out. Like, I don't know baseball to that level.
I'm not going to lie to you. So they just put a bunch of...
They just moved a bunch of wood down there and made getting jammed like you were hitting it on the sweet spot of the bat. I mean, that is fucking insane.
To have to do that... I get it with golf.
So many non-athletes play golf, but even then it's fucking stupid. It's like, why did you take up this game? You know what I mean? Like, or this activity, whatever the fuck you call golf, like you go out there and, and part of the thrill of trying something new is the mechanics, learning what you're doing wrong, the frustration, pushing through it, sticking with it and all of that.

But to go out there and just put fucking training wheels on the goddamn equipment and then you're hitting it straight like a pro is fucking ridiculous.

That's ridiculous to do to just some jerk off who's all happy because he sold out the working man and got a bonus and can now join a fucking country club and play golf. It's bad enough when they do it at that level to do that at the baseball, the major league fucking level and give them a goddamn bat that corrects.
Go take some fucking BP like everybody else had to.

And, you mean, it'd be bad enough if the, I would be saying this if the fucking Kansas City Royals did it. And they historically, since, you know, free agency got out of control, have been treated like a minor league team.
But to have like the fucking $275 million New York Yankees doing it, it's like in watching these fucking Yankee fans, the same ones who back deflate gate. The football's a cunt hair lighter.
And the investigation was conducted by the owner of the losing team, the team that lost by 35 and led up over 300 yards rushing and also had the same amount of underinflated balls. The New York fucking media was just all over the Patriots about that.
Never gave up to us are all looking the other way on these fucking bats it's just like it's literally what's wrong with like it's it's how super the super rich get everyone underneath them fighting because everybody thinks that they're Okay, if my team wins, that means it's good. It doesn't matter how the fuck they're doing it.
Rather than having a legit, you know, right and wrong. Oh my God, I wanted to read this to you.
Because I said a long time ago, when I was listening to people arguing politics, I said, you know, I don't mean everybody. I just mean people that are like a staunch Republican or a, is it a staunch Democrat? I always hear staunch Republican.
What's the word for like a staunch liberal? A serious liberal, right? I used to listen to these people argue sometimes and you'd just be watching one person just dying on a hill and you'd just be thinking like, dude, this person would rather be right, would rather win than be right. You know what I mean? Would like rather win the debate than actually get to the truth of the matter, which is bizarre to me.
So, I don't know. In my Instagram feed, listen to this thing that came across.
In Greek philosophy, there are two terms. I probably read these, I'm probably going to pronounce these wrong.
Philosophia and philonychia. Philosophia means love of wisdom.
Think philosophy. Philanikia means love of victory.
Think of Nike, however the fuck you say that company. These aren't my examples.
I'm just reading what this person wrote. In every discussion or debate, every discussion, debate, or disagreement, each party approaches it with one of these two mindsets.
When coming from philosophia, love of wisdom, you do not care about who is right or wrong. You simply care about coming to a deeper mutual understanding of the topic at hand with your fellow speaker.
When coming from philonegia, love of victory, you do not care for learning. You do not care for truth.
All you care about is asserting your stance as right, and the stance of the other is wrong. Too many people today approach every discussion with the mindset of philonychia.
Most people identify with their opinions, so a threat to their opinions is perceived as a threat to their very self, and the discussion becomes one of attack and defense. There is no need to attach your sense of self to any opinion.
You are not your thoughts. By detaching your identity from your opinions, you can approach your discussion from philosophia and prioritize learning and growth over being right.
Understanding this distinction, this is one of the coolest parts, understanding this distinction will help you notice when you are speaking to someone who is coming from Philanikia, in which case you are wasting your time. But don't get worked up.
Just let it go and walk away. So, I've been having some of the best like discussions with my wife since we've been together because both of us are doing that philosophy thing.
Not because of this shit. just i don't know i think we just got tired of arguing and it used to be i'm not saying we still don't do it we were both you know doing the guy girl thing right this is my point i'm talking logic you're talking emotion and doing all of that shit but when you actually just try to hear what the other person is saying, it's unbelievable.
Like this piece comes over the discussion and then it becomes like this healing thing. And I know this will never happen in political debate.
I don't know why. There's something about politics, more so even than than sports because that's usually like the analogy that people use that it's just like you know your team cheats mine doesn't you know what i mean um the guy's out by a mile but it's your guy so you're like oh you know i don't know i think

he got his toe in there or whatever right so one of the hardest things as he just is a sports fan

is to try to be like looking at something and being like all right that was a bad call um

the older i've got as a sports fan i've been i've been able to to kind of do that and also

sort of detach emotionally from like how fucking worked up i used to get i mean

Thank you. I've been able to kind of do that and also sort of detach emotionally from like how fucking worked up I used to get.
I mean, in one of my ways of detaching, like last year, I didn't even watch the NBA final because my team was in it. I was like, I am not going to sit here and watch this fucking thing losing my mind in front of my kids.
But anyway, if you could somehow apply that, like that kid who wrote in where, you know, he was pro-choice talking to the person that was pro-life. And they had like a calm conversation while disagreeing and then shook hands after.
I mean, if you want to scare the shit out of the Mr. Burns,

you know, person, you know, the billionaire fucking asshole,

these fucking assholes were like, you know, that douchebag Bill Gates was on some talk show the other night

and he goes, in five years, you know,

there's going to be no more teachers.

It's all going to be AI.

And I just

wish the host went like, oh, really? Is that what you decided? You just decided that on your own? All you and you, all of your nerd? Like, what are you guys, just out of curiosity, what are you guys doing? What are you leading us towards? We all know what you're doing. You're going to microchip all of us and you're going to have a bunch of robots policing us and then eventually they're going to take us over to what end to what end don't you believe in an afterlife don't you believe in right or wrong that's what see that's what fucking gets me with all of this fucking religious horseshit that these people say.

They all talk about this wrathful God.

And if you live a bad life, he's going to send you to fucking hell for eternity.

And the pain is never going to end forever.

That's what they tell you.

And they scare the shit out of you with that.

And then meanwhile, none of them that are in power conduct their lives as if they're even remotely concerned about that possibility i don't know this is a fun podcast huh um anyway so i don't know what to do to stop those fucking guys but at least in your life like um you know my wife came out for the opening night and we had like two of the most epic fucking conversations of our relationship trying to figure stuff out just being like chill or whatever trying to listen to the other person so um i'm only telling you this because uh you know i'm a pretty volatile guy so if i can fucking do it you know maybe you guys can do it and it makes your life at least this part of your world with that you can control is these fucking jerk offs these fucking tech you know i really i'm waiting for feminism to finally realize that they were focusing on the wrong kind of man that they thought was going to ruin the fucking world i'm waiting for the backlash on fucking nerds after all of these years of them looking at the jocks you know and thinking that these oh these are these this is the reason the world's off it's because of guys like this and it's just like yeah i don't don't think it is. I really don't think that's what it is.
It's those fucking pimply quiet kids in the corner that you won't even talk to as a beautiful woman. They, yeah, I'm going to blame beautiful women for this.
It's a stupid bill. No, you know what I mean.
They're fucking, they sit over in the corner all fucking resentful. How funny is it watching the Tesla guy getting all upset that his stock is going through the floor? And he's like, you know, to laugh at somebody because their stock is going on? It's like, dude, to fucking Sieg Heil? Have you guys done like any sort of research on the background of that fucking guy? And the Nazis in his family tree? Like, dude, this is not like, this is not political party shit.
This is just like, there's nothing in the world wrong with Republicans. There's nothing wrong with Democrats.
There's nothing wrong with those philosophies. But you got to have good people, you know, applying those philosophies.

You can't have some fucking heartless person like that.

I mean, who the fuck becomes a Nazi?

Who looks at what those people do and be like,

yeah, you know what?

I think they had it right.

All that pain and suffering,

just the shit they did to kids alone.

How could you ever align yourself and want to want to get that going again um is fucking beyond me out of everything that i've seen where i just sit there with my jaw on the ground going you can do that and still be in office you can get away with that it would be that guy fuckingg Heilig twice in like, the outrage, I don't even think it lasted 24 hours. I was like, I guess he's not gonna get rid of the guy.
Oh, well. I also don't understand what people's fear is with that.
He's the richest person in the world. So what? Can't fight his way out of a wet paper bag.
What are you so fucking afraid of? I don't understand why people are so afraid of fucking rich people. He has a lot of money.
Great. You know what I'm afraid of? Someone who knows how to box.
Someone who knows jujitsu. And therefore, you know, then afraid of someone who knows how to box someone who knows jujitsu

then if they're angry at me

I'm like well god I'm gonna get the shit kicked out of

I'm gonna get the shit kicked out of me

if you're just rich I don't give a fuck

oh do you have more petty loafers than me

I mean that's what you built your fucking castle on

look how big my pool is Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha on it with all these uh premieres and late nights and all that type of stuff. So anyway, my phone is still doing this fucking thing about this upload.
By the way, rest in peace to Val Kilmer. What an incredible, incredible, incredible actor.
And still, I think one of the most underrated movies of all time, forget about underrated Val Kilmer performances, is Top Secret. And I don't know how you start with that movie and then get to play Jim Morrison and Doc Holliday and all these amazing character roles that he got, especially back in the day.
If you came out with a wacky comedy like hollywood was just like you're the wacky comedy hollywood guy and the fact that he was able to do everything from um top secret to playing jim morrison doc holliday um whatever his character's name was in Heat,

and all of these, this wide variety of roles

just shows you what an incredible,

incredible, incredible actor he was.

Anyway, that sucks.

Getting old, dude, fucking sucks.

All right, let's do some reads here for the week. Okay.
We're less than 100 tickets away from selling out the 12th annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit. Sunday, May 18th at the New York City Center.
We have a great lineup. Rosebud Baker, Greer Barnes, D.C.
Benny, Tim Dillon, Neemesh Patel, Sean Patton.

As always, the great Rich Voss will be our emcee.

Yours truly will be in there somewhere.

And we have a very special guest who just signed on.

We always try to get a big, big old famous comedian to come in and surprise everybody.

It's just it's one of my favorite gigs of the year. It's a combination of a high school reunion and getting to live my dream as, you know, a stand-up comedian.
It's just awesome. Tickets can be purchased at www.nycitycenter.org slash Patrice 2025 or by going to my website www.billburr.com.
All right got some reads here oh i oh i'll tell you i got some reads uh ava did you ever struggle with getting good rates and do you wish ava had been around then well what is ava dude um when was the last time you thought about your credit score if your answer is uh never you you're not alone. But here's the thing.
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There's no, oh god damn this fucking phone. I was doing a really good read there.
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it's like the names of kids now.

It's like, that's what you named your kid? Squarespace. This is my son, Squarespace.
That's his sister, Rectangle. I almost said something really bad there.
Alright. I have to be honest with you.
I almost said rectangle cunt. Who would call their daughter that? Nobody would.
That was a dumb joke. All right, let's start over again.
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All right. Well, that is the podcast, everybody.
I hope you enjoyed it. Seriously, try that thing, man.
For all the guys out out there listening you don't want to argue with the woman in your life and I'm telling you if you just sort of listen and try to learn go into a disagreement with like trying to learn and hear what the other person is saying, like you just avoid all of those. You know when your wife or your girlfriend is like, I don't want to talk about that.
I don't want to talk about that. I don't want to talk about that.
When you're trying to make a fucking point and it just gets you. And next thing you know, you have this big stupid fight.
You know, try to be in this, whatever that fucking word is,fia mode and if she's going i don't want to talk about it i don't want to talk about that i want to talk about that then you could just be like what do you want to talk about what do you want to talk about what do you want to talk about don't do that you know what i'm saying all right that's it hope you guys have a great week a great weekend um and that's it you know maybe go out and get yourself a torpedo bat and go down to the batting cages. Maybe they could make the ball bigger and make it bounce off the bat more.
Maybe they could do that. Isn't Yankee Stadium because of the wind or, and the dimensions already an easy place, they hit a fucking home run?

We're a $275 million team.

The Dodgers are spending more than us.

They kicked our ass in the World Series.

We need bats that make it easier to hit.

Oh, my God.

It's a fucking embarrassment.

All right.

That's it.

Okay.

That's the podcast.

Have a great weekend.

Enjoy the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Themelis.

And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

I'll talk to you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast

for Monday, April 3rd, 2017.

What's going on? How are ya?

How's it going? Oh, a little white guy Def Jam voice.

A little white guy Def Jam voice, huh?

Taking you back through a little comedy history.

Remember that?

The height of black guys do this, white guys do that.

It was always that fucking voice. You ever see a white guy stand in a chair or sit in a chair? Oh, I mean, a black guy, when he sits in a chair, he sits in the motherfucking chair.
White guy said, oh, geez, I got to sit out here. Should I do my taxes? Every fucking joke.
Crushed. Fucking crushed.
That was the black comic version of white guys going talking about flying on airplanes or comparing dogs to cats that's more like it you know dogs you're friend a cat it doesn't fucking you know that's actually still not a complimentary voice for a white guy but i don't think that was a complimentary voice for a black guy so i think i'm in the clear when it comes to political correctness um oh my god what a fucking weekend i had man i had a great time you know i had a great time i watched the fucking bruins pick up four points this weekend all right and put themselves back into the driver's seat at least of their own destiny all right by? By beating the Florida fucking Panthers.

And thank God the Chicago Blackhawks had the decency to rest most of the good guys in their team.

We were able to pick up another two points.

So thank you to the city of Chicago.

Next deep dish is on me if I run into you.

Not the whole fucking city.

Just one of you fatties.

One of you mustachioed fatties from that SNL sketch. I don't think I've ever seen a guy with a mustache in Chicago.
You know, anyways, I never heard one say that bears. Never heard that.
Never heard it. Although I don't talk to a lot of them.
I just kind of go there and stand in front of their performing and then I leave. That's basically what I which is one of my favorite things to fucking do by the way there's nothing there's nothing better than when you do your show the second you do it you get in the car and you get the fuck out of there that's my favorite thing to do you know either that or go to a dive bar and hang out like with three people that's the way i'm fucking wired um that's perfect be honest with you there's certain people they like to hang out you know what i mean go wade into the crowd you know continue continue to say how awesome i am i don't do that i got it for that hour perfect then you get in the car it's nice and quiet it's quiet you just fucking ride home know, and you go into your fucking hotel room.
Right. Sit down.
You avoid the fucking snack. Right.
And and then that's it. And you just sit there in the loneliness of your room.
That's most of the reason why I drink on the road, to be honest honest with you that's all you're doing is you're

just trying to stay out as long as you can so you're so fucking tired that when you get back

to your room you just immediately fall asleep rather than dealing with the fucking loneliness

of it but um i don't know i had such a great weekend man i played a little bit of drums

hung out with my beautiful daughter you know she's a riot she's bossy as hell

Thank you. weekend man i played a little bit of drums hung out with my beautiful daughter you know she's a riot she's bossy as hell oh my god she's already telling us what to do with just like the noises that she knows how to make um yeah she's gonna be a little smarty just like my wife she's fucking adorable as hell obviously you know i'm a little biased but kind of, you know, you know, when people are lying, you know, if what you kid.

Oh, hey, what a cutie.

I feel like we're getting like legit compliments.

So anyways, can anybody out there in the hockey world explain to me?

Like how this like what seed you are works in the playoff bracket.

Thank you. world explain to me like uh how this like what seed you are works in the playoff bracket like i don't get it because um it used to be like the adams division and the patrick division and one played four and then they sort of jumbled them all up it seems like when they list them as far as like i don't get when you go to the standings thing because i would have thought is as as a sixth or a seventh seed, whatever the fuck we're going to be, we'd either play the Capitals or the Blue Jackets, you know, the top of that one.
But they're kind of doing like a March Madness thing where it's like we're in like a different thing. So for some reason we get off easy or I should say, and have to play the Maple Leafs rather than getting the old right there, Fred, from the Capitals of the Blue Jackets.

Not saying that we're going to beat Toronto.

I have no idea what's going to happen. But according to the Stanley Cup playoff here on NHL.com,

as of today, the Montreal Canadiens with Claude Julien,

Julien would play fucking the New York Rangers.

So they're number one seed, and then they would get the wild card, New York Rangers.

And then the Bruins would play the Maple Leafs.

A little original six action there for you on both of those, huh?

Then the Capitals would play Ottawa.

And Pittsburgh plays Columbus.

Like, Pittsburgh gets punished.

Shouldn't they be playing an easier fucking team with the points they have?

I would think one of the bottom feeders.

So that's great.

I love that Pittsburgh or the Columbus will knock each other out.

We'll knock one of the other out, I should say.

And I don't know.

I don't know what's going to go.

Is the Capitals finally going to push through this year?

Is it finally going to happen?

You know, you know, it'd be the fucking Armaged? Would it be the Washington Capitals versus the San Jose Sharks? You know, one of them has to win, right? Like the Cubs versus the Indians. Somebody's got to fucking win.
And I bet it would go down the exact same way. One would go up three to one.
You know, they just got to add that last bit of misery. And then someone would back and win it i don't know i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about all i know is i really enjoyed um obviously this weekend and if we can play the tampa bay lightning on tuesday and fucking put them out of their goddamn misery um i think we would avoid three years in a row of uh you know eating a dick at the end of march and beginning of april we've done it two years in a row so uh that's it that's it for the fucking hockey talk oh by the way i don't know what his name is but that kid on calgary uh i keep to chuck his kid out there that kid's a fucking riot man he's an old school hockey player i was watching uh what do they have there with the fucking uh don cherry hockey night in canada we actually get that down here and he was showing a highlight of that kid you know picking on that dude from the fucking kings and don cherry's breaking his fucking balls and it's just like they're trying to the playoffs.
He's not going to get involved in some stupid fucking fight.

Right.

They drew Dowdy.

They need him on the ice.

I would think anyways,

drew Dowdy,

the Dave Grohl of fucking, uh,

of hockey to me,

they're the,

they're the exact same fucking person.

When Dave Grohl is not making amazing music,

he's playing defense for the Los Angeles Kings.

I challenge you.

I challenge you to find Dave Grohl ever at a fucking game.

We're going to you about my fucking weekend, some of this other bullshit. Oh, my God.
You ever hang out with just like a complete a complete fucking psychopath oh it's one of those social events you're like oh no there he is there he is um and then it's over and then it's the next day you're like oh great you know god willing i'll never have to see that person again hey how the fuck are the celtics their number one seat i didn't watch in the last two weeks i kind of got you know you know with fucking hockey and uh basketball you kind of got like a pick a sport you know i mean you know i've been trying to watch both of them but um the bruins were just in a more uh you know i don't know precarious position so it was more of a exciting thing to watch are they gonna fuck this up are they gonna somehow pull themselves out of it and somehow the celtics are a number one seed although i don't think they're a better team than the cavaliers but uh i like what lebron did the other night last night when he got into it on the court and that made that other dude on his own team flipping out, yelling at him and shit. He immediately tried to diffuse it.
And then just saying, yeah, I showed him up. I shouldn't have said that.
Blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, that's a fucking leader right there.
Even though a lot of people don't like him. I fucking like LeBron.
So anyways, dude, I've just been having like. I know I got to get back into fucking meditating.
I don't know. I just keep running into these situations.
Like, I feel like I'm attracting them to me. Like somebody, this New York number has been calling me for like the last fucking three days.
And then I'm like, I don't know who this number is, so I don't answer. And then they finally leave a message and just say, yeah, hey, this is so-and-so for so and so but it keeps saying uh you know this is bill uh on the on the thing but my phone

is saying you know it's my daughter so i'm like all right well this guy's gonna figure this shit

out right and he does it so he finally right before he did the podcast he fucking calls again

so i finally picked up i go hello the guy's like yeah who is this that i'm talking to i'm like

Thank you. and he does it so he finally right before he did the podcast he fucking calls again so i finally picked up i go hello the guy's like yeah who is this that i'm talking to i'm like well it's not who you think it is yeah you got the wrong number and he goes yeah well fuck you too and he hangs up on me like like it was my fault so i just laugh and i'm just like what the fuck why does this shit keep happening to me so then he calls back and I'm like well I gotta hear what this guy's gonna say next right I need a new hour of material I gotta put myself in the line of fire here so I pick up he goes yay man I'm sorry man I just I lost my phone and I keep trying to call my daughter and you know my name's Bill and it keeps saying your name's Bill and it's you got to see the humor in that right i'm like yeah man it's it's a uh it's a funny situation uh good luck to you with your phone i don't i don't know what to tell you it sounded like a nice enough person i love that he said yeah well fuck you too and he still had the fucking nerve to call me back and then just say act like it didn't even he didn't say that.
Maybe he was just joking when he said it. I was just like, I don't fucking know.
So anyways, this past week, so I'm at this social event and I'm trying to avoid this psycho and he ends up sitting right next to me and I'm talking to this guy and for fucking 10 minutes, all of a sudden I can't find my cell phone and I'm looking for it and I'm looking for it and I'm not bringing it up to anybody. Cause I'm thinking like, maybe I left it in the car.
I don't find my cell phone. And I'm looking for it, and I'm looking for it.

And I'm not bringing it up to anybody because I'm thinking, like, maybe I left it in the car. I don't know what.
And I realized that this psycho has placed his cell phone exactly right on top of mine on the table. Like, completely lined up.
And mine has a black case, and it was kind of dark, so I couldn't see it. And then I had to sit there playing this fucking mind game like, did this guy do this on purpose? Am I overanalyzing this thing? Am I out of my fucking mind? And I don't know.
Then the whole thing just struck me as funny. Thinking of how my life used to be because I used to have people like that in my fucking life you know those people that mind fuck you and then like an hour later hey i'm sorry i wasn't that fucking wife beater relationship you got to get into them uh yeah which is of course how the evening ends with that bullshit oh yeah yeah me yeah no hey it's all right everything's cool and i just walked out of there and just felt like this fucking weight lift off me just be like i'm never gonna see that person again i have no fucking desire that is it that is a fucking wrap if i have learned anything from hanging out with fucking a couple.
I have two good friends of mine that are both half Sicilian. And when applied correctly, the Sicilian you're dead to me.
When applied correctly is the greatest fucking. It just streamlines your life.
Why would you waste another second of your life playing that mental tennis?

Like you obviously don't connect with this person over and you just walk away and then that's it.

And like today I just woke up.

I was in the greatest fucking mood knowing I'm never going to see that person

again.

It's fucking tremendous.

And you know what?

I think then I created a void. I created a vacuum in my life because i just let go of all of that shit and now i got this random guy calling me up on my cell phone looking for his daughter and then telling me to go fuck myself you know i'll take that i mean that's an easy one that guy actually sounded like a better fucking person so anyways oh you know what easter's coming up fucking easter here comes peter cottontail hopping down the buddy trail hippity uppity easter's on its way um i uh i get this week we're gonna actually at some point we're gonna go back to the mall i've become a've become a fucking mall person.
I imagine eventually it's going to drive me nuts. But we're going there.
We're taking our daughter over to get a picture with the Easter Bunny. How fucking cute is that? It's going to be absolutely adorable.
I can't wait to do it. We just have to cav out some time.
I'm already nervous that she's going to get totally fucking freaked out you know what i mean the older you get the more you look at that you just realize why what is that bizarre ritual you know why would you do that to you sorry my stomach's grumbling here i'm fucking on a massive diet here massive diet massive diet cutting out theze, except the last night. Cutting out the booze.
I've been eating basically perfectly, and I'm actually down to $1.79. My fighting weight's between like 168, 172, and I'm going to try to lose two to three pounds.
I figured by mid-May, mid-May, I ought to be in fighting shape, and I'm going to try to actually stay in three pounds for the, you know, I figured something by mid-May, mid-May, I ought to be in fight and shape. And I'm going to try to actually stay in that and continue.
Because what I, you know what I do is I get down to the weight I wanted to get down to. And then that's like the end of the movie.
Roll credits. And I go back to eating fucking pizza and beer and all of that shit.
And then I slowly get back up again. And next thing you know, I'm standing shirtless in a mirror just calling myself every horrible name in the that i can think of you know tub of fuck something i've never even heard anybody say i actually called myself that before i started this diet um i actually have suits that i can't fit into anymore like i've hit that point in my in my life And it's just like, I can't be the guy that goes to the fucking dry cleaner to have his suits let out.
You go to the tailor and you're just basically saying, listen, the food won. I quit.
I quit. I don't want to fucking do this anymore.
So, um, anyways, I did, uh, I just been doing, I just been doing cardio. My fucking shoulders getting better.
I can't really lift weights or anything. So I've just been kind of just stretching, doing cardio and, and, and, uh, and trying to eat right.
I try to eat like from nine to five and then just stop. Uh, but the other night I was doing that, uh, April foolishnessness for uh kevin and bean who i want to thank for having me on that we did it down at the uh the shrine auditorium um which is a famous um theater out here what the fuck's going on with my brain i can't even think here i actually went on wikipedia that's what happens i was trying to look at some of this other shit, some of this advertising I have to read.

I literally get like anxiety as I look at it like, oh, God, look how long this fucking copy is. I don't want to read all that as I'm trying to talk to you guys.
My apologies. I was distracted there.
So I played the Shrine Auditorium for Kevin and Bean Show, April Foolishness, every year that raises money for, I think it's premature babies. I believe that's what it is.
I never know what it is. I always ask right before I go on.
What is this cause for? So I can steer clear of going out there like what's up with premature babies? Should we just let them die or something? You know, just not walking into that. So we were at the Shrine Auditorium and I went up on Wikipedia, went up.
I went to it on on the Internet there. and i found out uh that that is the place the most legendary thing that i saw that happened at that place aside from like the grateful dead and all these guys doing shows was that was the place where michael jackson shot the pepsi commercial and had his hair lit on fire his jerry curl you know when he was slowly the beginning, was the beginnings of transforming into a white guy.

You know, I don't know if it was the product he had, if it was a jerry curl, if it was a conk.

I don't know what he had going on.

OK, I don't know how that mixes with Pepsi and flammable shit.

But all I know is his head lit on fire.

And he got second degree burns.

That was it. And all these fucking people were like crying they were terrified you know that this tremendous artist his head caught on fire his fucking head caught on fire doing a a pepsi commercial that was another groundbreaking thing that he did like because back in the day if you were a any sort of a famous person and if you did a commercial you would just consider a complete sellout um at least in the white world i don't know how it worked he kind of was a hybrid though right he's sort of the first caitlin jenner but he did it like in a race way you know like the way he walked out the door a dude and came back a woman he walked out the door a black guy it came back a white guy um i mean i can't imagine being friends with that guy every time he would leave and he'd just come back he was like a shopaholic but like for his face you know what i mean you know these chicks are always coming about with coming back with like a new bag you know what i mean or some fucking i don't know what shoes or some shit he would do the same thing but with his face uh yeah bill he was one of the most famous people ever we know what he did okay anyways plowing ahead um so um i got to do that show down at the shrine auditorium and i cannot even begin to tell you what a fucking great time I had unbelievable crowd like I had to do a half hour at the end of all these other monsters going out there fucking killing it the entire night and Steve-O did a hilarious fucking stunt fucking hilarious and I got to go on like at the end of all this shit and do a half hour and it it was fucking effortless.
That's how great the crowd was. So I want to thank everybody who came out for that wonderful cause that I believe was.
For premature kids, you guys like the birds chirping in the background. Somebody mentioned to me that's fucking hilarious.
Listen to me going off on shit with birds chirping. I usually don't do.
Do my fucking podcast in in this room i just do it because it's the furthest one away from my daughter who's sleeping you know i don't want to hear me dropping all the f-bombs so anyways the end of the show comes right and everybody's shaking hands oh you were great no you were great no i like how your mind works no i like how your mind works better you, we're all doing the Hollywood thing, right? Everybody had a good set. And once again, I ran into one of these crazy fucking parents, right? This is fucking hilarious.
This is what this person did. They said, oh, congratulations on your daughter.
I said, oh, you brought it up. You brought it up.
Now I got to show you a you a picture right so her and her husband is standing there right the young young people right they look like they're single they don't even look like they have kids and i i just show them the picture and she just goes oh yeah it's so easy you see it's so easy it's so easy she started pointing my kid going it's so easy i'm like what the fuck is she talking about i've heard she's adorable she's cute oh my god look at those

cheeks she's oh yeah it's so it's so yeah see you see it's so easy i'm like what do you mean it's

so easy she goes she goes we have three we have three it's so hard you have no idea it's so it

just she used my daughter's picture as a way to launch into how fucking difficult her life was

Thank you. it's so hard you have no idea it's so it just she used my daughter's picture as a way to launch into how fucking difficult her life was first of all it's like how fucking difficult is your life the the two of you look like you've been p90x and you guys don't have an ounce of fat on you you don't have bags under your eyes it's saturday night you're out at a show neither one of you yawning and they were going yeah we had one and then and then we got pregnant again and we had we had and i was going like oh and i'm sitting trying to be empathetic oh yeah you know i hear uh i hear two is like a game changer and then three it's like you're outnumbered she goes oh no we went from one right to three like we had we had twins next.
And two kids. I don't even know what that feels like.
We don't even know what that feels like. It's just like, you know what? You don't know what you don't know.
It's like to be in a fucking log cabin with no fucking heat like they had 200 years ago. It's fucking hard.
The fuck out of here. I swear to God, like people like that.
It's just I just feel bad for their kids. kids it's like you have to be you got to be a fucking terrible parent what kind of person has a kid right and and all i do when i see other people's kids is i just think of how much that person must love that kid they have to feel the same way that i do about my kid and then i'm happy for who the fuck looks at somebody else's kid and just, and compares like, oh, it's so, it's so easy.
Yeah, see, it's easy. And then I go, yeah, you know, well, we're thinking of having another one.
And then, then the guy goes, yeah, just have one. Don't have two more.
First of all, like you can control it. Oh, they drive me up the fucking wall.
I fucking, I'm going to say it. I fucking hate parents.
Generally speaking. I cannot stand them.
They're like fucking martyrs. They're like these fucking.
It's like you put yourself in this situation. Shut the fuck up.
You have three people that are going to be sad when you die. They're actually going to give a shit.
And they're going to show up and say how great you were it work isn't that enough oh it's so hard you have no oh really with ipads and fucking 200 channels of cable you can put them in front of a fucking plasma tv it's like looking into a a tropical fish tank all day for him yeah they're soft you know i mean i don't know i just Oh god there's so many times in my life like i wish i could just go back like that i'm just believe it or not i'm great in the moment on stage i'm so bad at it when i'm off stage you know what i mean i'm just you know because i immediately just get to this anger level and then i end up looking like a psycho like i wish i just said that to him like you guys sound like terrible parents do you want to put your kids up for adoption so maybe you can go back to doing blow or whatever the fuck it is that you miss do you know bad i wish i could go back to last night and just tap that guy on his shoulder and just point at his cell phone on top of mine and just be like on a psychological level would you like to explain this to me how did this happen was this by accident but i don't i don't fucking say anything and then i just fucking write people off and then they look at me like i'm out of my mind which i am i'm definitely out of my mind but i'll tell you right now i'm not the only one i am not the only one and i have learned that i learned that that this weekend. Oh, it's so easy.
See, it's so easy. It's like, why would you say you don't have any fucking idea? Imagine if I had a special needs kid, and you're pointing at it, saying it's so easy.
What the fuck is wrong with you? Oh, that's right. You're completely self-involved.
Oh, it felt good to get this out. Oh, Jesus.
I'm glad I didn't say it. it i'm glad i saved it for the podcast but wouldn't the podcast be better if i actually started saying these things to people so then i would have the confrontations and then i could just maybe i could then do a two-hour podcast hey who knows who knows so you know i as i mentioned earlier uh or the last podcast i got um i finally got serious satellite radio in my car so i'm fucking listening to the 80s channel the 70s channel nhl you know i listened to opie show jim norton's fucking show and i finally listened to howard stern for the first time in fucking forever and um he had craig ferguson on and craig ferguson was going on and on about the chapelle fucking special i gotta check it out he was going on and on it might be the greatest one i've ever seen i'm like well fuck i gotta check that out i gotta fucking check that one out but half of me does not want to watch it because i know it's going to be i don't feel like oh my god uh certain people you watch to get inspired i can't watch his shit because i'd be like oh god i suck really the gap is still that large you know i don't know every once you know every once in a while you think you're fucking hendrix and then you realize you're just playing a ukulele right isn't that what happens isn't that what life is um anyways let Let's read a little bit of the advertising here uh it's unbelievable it's the greatest special i've ever seen i was just like jesus christ all right all right anyways hey how about the fucking uh the patriots might be talking to adrian peterson huh if you're a fucking i don't know i've been watching the patriots for a long time doesn't that remind you when we signed cory dillon that'd be nice to get that fucking guy wouldn't it maybe see tom brady get number six right somebody said he said he wanted to play for another five or six years that's fucking unbelievable um just the fact that he's going to do that means he's going to play for at least another three so he has a legitimate shot at getting another ring um unreal unreal good lord i fucking enjoy that all right because every time every year he plays i always think this could be the last year.
This could be the last fucking year. You know, Belichick is almost 70 years old.

Brady's going to be 40, you know, and you know, oh, we're going to fucking,

what's going to happen on that franchise when those two people leave?

Who knows? Because what's his face?

Robert Kraft, his three coaching hires, Bill Parcells, Pete Carroll, Bill Belichick.

He's three for three.

All right, let's read some of these uh some of these emails for the week um girl freaks out hey there billy boy george um you know it's funny i i never liked him when i was in the uh in the 80s you know i was too homophobic to like that guy but uh his fucking drum is the shit on that do you really wanna hurt me i love the fucking drums on that song um anyways not sure if you saw this yet some girl freaked out at a yogurt shop in santa monica because the couple behind her kissed each other she starts saying that she was being sexually harassed by them doing so it gets out of control the funny thing is that she starts off acting like a hacky liberal but then ends acting like a hacky conservative as she shifted through stages of emotion uh the phoenix video tour video look great can't wait for san jose um yeah i actually i watched some of that at first i love this woman because i hate people who fuck i don't hate i hate looking at people making out in public it's fucking gross it's fucking gross your tongue to jam down each other's throats you know it's like i don't want to look at especially when i'm around food i totally get she's saying, but then she took it too far when she started saying that she was.

That she was being sexually harassed. What I did love, though, is I love how the extreme close up when she's yelling into the camera.
It reminded me of that movie Misery, you know, where that lady's like, you can't wait to do whatever the fuck she says. was there anything more satisfying a fucking movie when he finally got out of the bed and started slamming that bitch's head against the floor oh just laying there that powerless do you know in the book she actually cuts his feet off rather than breaking his goddamn ankles um i gotta be honest with you i really think I could have sweet talked my way out of that bed.

I really would have.

I would have acted like I wanted to fuck her.

You know, I would have done that.

Right.

I would have told her that I was never going to leave her.

I would have built her fucking up until I started to be able to walk around. Right.

And then I would actually.

And once I could even was how this is how long of a slow play I would go with that woman.

I would actually, I would, after I could walk, I would stay in a three-month relationship with her until she got so fucking comfortable, right?

And then one day I'd be making my famous fucking scrambled eggs, take out a fucking skillet.

That would be it, man.

I would stay in a relationship with that woman until the fucking snow melted you know and i could shake off whatever thing i had to have fucking her i could shake that off i'm german irish i could fucking i could put that in a box and never think of it again no pun intended that's what i would have done he fucked up you know what i mean he actually wrote the real fucking book i guess i that's because i know that she was out of her mind but i swear to god i would have fucking i would have told her that i love what she did with her hair all of that thing the hardest thing would have been was not laughing the noises that she would have made during intersex intersex intercourse intersex um anyways i don't know what that says about me but you know that's that's how i would have got out of it i would have just gone totally like oh yeah you're beautiful oh my god this soup is fucking delicious and i would have just talked to her and just find out what the exact fucking book she wanted me to write and that's exactly what i would have written maybe i hit her with a typewriter like some sort of symbolism i don't know but at the end of the day you know fucking some pig versus getting both of your fucking ankles broken i mean i i don't think there's a there's really no trade-off right um you probably wouldn't she's such a fucking lunatic she's probably like asexual you probably don't have to do that you know just laugh at her jokes i think you would have been all right um anyways i just went on a tangent there sorry about that uh here we go girl so anyways getting back to that yeah i don't like when uh i don't like watching people make out it's fucking gross me i hated him the two things i hate most in movies is when people are fucking making out and and and people when they're eating in a scene and they're fucking making those fucking noises there's nothing worse than watching an actor eat in a scene because most times they're not eating so they have to overact eating and everybody i don't know what happens they turn into fucking animals they start eating with their mouths open they start pointing at people with the bread um that and i i hate love scenes in movies you know what i mean like when they take it to the point where literally one actor is sucking on the other actor's titties it's just like i get it they're gonna have sex like why got to take it to this level? Are you making a porno now?

I want to watch a porno.

I'll just watch a fucking porno.

Why can't you just have them walk in the bedroom and they close the door?

I get it.

They fucked.

Like, who is that for?

Take my breath away.

They're always up against the wall.

It's fucking raining out or some shit. You know what I mean?

Rather than they're getting used to each other, figuring out which lip to go for. Do you go for the top lip or the bottom lip? You know what I mean? What position do you like? Do you like to have your ass slapped or not? All that shit's out of the way.
They just automatically start acting like they've been banging each other the whole summer. Little Red Colbert.
Whatever fucking songs they play. What are some of the stupid...
In the 80s, they always played that stupid saxophone. The saxophone got ruined in the 80s.
It went from this, like... It went literally from this instrument that when it was in the hands of a black person, it actually scared the CIA.
to the 80s where it just meant that tom cruise was gonna fuck somebody you know half of those jazz guys in the fucking from the 40s 50s and 60s they had their fucking phones bugged by the goddamn j edgar hoover and the FBI, and then it it just somehow it just all went to shit in the 70s it all went to shit in the fucking 70s you know they whacked everybody that they needed to whack in the 60s they figured out how not to lose public support of a war after the debacle of vietnam right so now they got everybody everybody's going i support troops i support troops i support everybody's going to say they support who doesn't support the troops they're on our team but the brilliance is they've now morphed that into you cannot criticize the war if you do or anything that the the the the the pentagon is doing because now you're criticizing some 18 year old who's over there fighting for your freedom it's fucking brilliant and we should have seen this coming with what happened to the saxophone in the 80s all right girlfriend says i'm stagnant oh jesus oh dude that's a major red flag uh hey bill you tiny tim looking red-nosed pecker head okay who is tiny tim again oh tiny tim's that ugly motherfucker with the ukulele jesus christ wow he looks like if somebody beat the shit out of george washington thank you wow that one really hurt anyways uh maybe i'll pull a michael jackson get a cleft in my chin um love you love your podcast but you wrote you love your podcast even though i never get any advice uh will you give me some i have oh this is somebody who's not going to use any punctuation this is all one sentence loved you pot oh maybe this person's foreign loved you podcast even though i never get any advice will you give me some advice will you give me some i have this girlfriend i really like that's all one sentence we worked together at the local restaurant i was fine until i got fired then i got into a fight with my girlfriend's sister's boyfriend got that no i don't

all right let me let me try to break this down here

all right you have this girlfriend you really like we worked together at the local restaurant

i guess everything was cool and then you got fired and then you got into a fight with her

with hers her sister her sister's boyfriend okay so your girlfriend at work

Thank you. You got into a fight with her, with her sister, her sister's boyfriend.
Okay, so your girlfriend at work, you got into a fight with her sister's boyfriend, and then you got fired from the TGI Fridays, whatever the fuck you did. All right, I'm back on board.
Then I got a DWAI, driving while alcohol influenced. I don't know what the fuck's going on here um i and i feel like a complete loser and sometimes it gets me depressed also i still give her rides to work which she tells me means nothing and also says she loves me but has been getting meaner every day i don't get a job all right well okay well in defense of her you have to understand with a woman that if you're not bringing in money you just literally have you're like a 40 year old teenager at that point you're just like a big kid she has to deal with um you know and women they're all feminists until they have to start paying for everything.
You know what I mean?

Like, what's fucked up with sexism and all that, and that guys have better paying jobs evidently, I have no idea. I've never asked people what the fuck they make, but let's just say what they're saying is true.
what's fucked up is it now created this thing where women can date and like you're always for the most part dating up you know if you're if you have reasonable fucking looks okay and you had a reasonably good childhood and for whatever you're not migrating towards fucking losers all right you can actually always be in a situation where getting married is a good thing because the other person makes more money than you so even if the whole fucking thing falls apart you're going to get the house you're going to get the child support you're going to get the alimony right only lately are we finally starting to see women having to do that and it's fucking like they freak the fuck out like what right a woman paid alimony was if like i all of a sudden got my period and like wait i gotta do this now what the fuck right um anyway so anyway so let me get back to the fucking thing here i keep i keep going on tangents here i need to stay focused um so okay so you got a dui right and she still gives you shit okay so now you're not making any money so you know and you're all depressed and you don't have a car so i'm guessing you're not really looking for a fucking job or maybe she's just mean as shit i don't know anyways he said i've never had trouble getting work when i needed it but now i feel like a lazy piece of shit my girlfriend called me stagnant stagnant and told me she's worried she said tonight she would see me later then changed it to or talk to you later and trailed off muttering some inaudible bullshit i need to pay my rent tomorrow uh and i'm basically broke as fuck i gave her a key to my place and she agreed to pay half the rent but i feel like i'm twisting her arm to do it yeah dude what are you doing i feel stagnant too and depressed and she makes it hard to think sometimes so i secretly bought a train ticket to california so i secretly bought a train ticket to california from new york that leaves in. I'm debating whether to stay here, keep looking for a job in a dead economy.
Try and work things out with my girl. I'm sorry, guys.
Like, this is not me here. This is how this is written.
And face the music by paying thousands of fines and traffic tickets while I'm broke as fuck. Or go with a couple of hippie friends hike through through like he threw a ball the state of California while stopping to work on woofing farms in between journeys this like Jack Kerouac shit I don't know I'm starting to think this isn't real to stay or to go I don't know but if she calls me stagnant again I'll be out and over the horizon i feel bad and i don't know what the fuck to do so any advice is appreciated thanks and go fuck yourself yeah first of all all right let's just eliminate the woman from all of this okay uh you need to pay your traffic tickets dude if you think you're just going to walk away from that you're going to end up doing jail time a buddy of mine did that okay and they put them in county which you don't want to be in because that's all different levels of fucking people's at least in la that's like rapist lunatics like their own kid on fire right down to uh yeah i had a bunch of traffic tickets and it got to such a well my traffic ticket he didn't have a traffic ticket he had a dui and he he didn't show up to court maybe he won't go to jail I don't know but it's just it's going to be a fucking nightmare and that's gonna be hanging over your head and then you're gonna have to try to work under the table which is going to cause you not to fucking pay taxes it's going to be a nightmare so um I don't know I would uh I would reach out for help is what I would do.
And it doesn't sound like your girlfriend wants to do it anymore. You haven't told me how long you've been unemployed, but it sounds like she's at the brink of being fed up with you.
But you did get into a fight. You did get fired.
You did drink and drive. So you're making a bunch of bad moves.
And it's not her fault that she's trying to envision a future with you. And all she's seeing is that she's going to work while you're boozing it up and she has to support you.
And I'm going to go out on a limb here. I don't like speaking for the ladies, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say, I don't think a lot of women are looking for that in the future.
So I would man up. You need to man the fuck up and realize that you are stagnant.
You need to get your shit together. All right.
I don't know what you have to do to find a fucking job. That's a difficult thing.
But I don't know. Can you ask your parents for some help? Maybe you fucking leave your apartment, move back in with your parents.
While you get through this, you bottom the fuck out. You sober up up you start working out with the old weights you left in your parents garage you find a fucking job all right get on a payment plan with your fucking tickets and all of that shit get all of that off the table maybe even break up with your girlfriend get your shit together create a whole new fucking you and maybe you get a new girlfriend that's beyond the level of this one here that was working at the fucking restaurant or whatever the hell you were at all right but just know this you sound like you're still young you got your whole life ahead of you and you know you're what you're doing is you're giving into your situation rather than fucking picking yourself up off the mat all right so get up off the floor stop feeling sorry for yourself all right you have all the power in the world to turn that thing around all right and uh that's it get a job pay off your tickets and uh you know see what happens with that woman you know maybe she's not the one maybe she is who knows who gives a fuck but work on your life work on go.
All right. Girlfriend's ultimatum.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Here we go again.

Hey, Billy Bong.

My girlfriend, parentheses of over one year,

recently gave me an ultimatum.

Weed or her?

I chose weed.

All right.

There's a person who knows what he likes.

Did you say that?

Did you say that in the moment? Did you wait a few days? Did you mull it over for at least a few minutes? Sick of your pot smoking, okay? And I know that, you know, I said earlier that I was okay with it, but the truth is I'm not. You're high all the time.
I think it's affecting you and it's just, I'm to the point. I can't do this anymore.
So you need to make a choice. Either you choose me or you choose marijuana.
What's it going to be? I'm going to choose the weed, sweetheart. See ya.
she's gonna slowly walk head down out the fucking door

it couldn't have gone down like that anyways however as i perceived it it was a choice of reason versus absurdity not her verse weed allow me to defend myself absolutely sir you have the floor um or or man you know this be a lesbian relationship. My girl and I started smoking together about two months ago.
She was never big on it, but I was a self-admitted pothead in the past. We started smoking a couple months ago at her request.
We would smoke one or two hits per night before bed. Well, last night she decided that she didn't like smoking weed anymore because she doesn't like the feeling of being high.
Apparently, in that same moment, she became morally opposed to the idea of marijuana, and she proceeded to call me an addict that has a serious problem. And in a grand, dramatic gesture, she flushed my remaining weed down the toilet and made me choose her or weed wow that escalated as they say in anchorman uh she kept pointing at me and yelling look at yourself you're so high right now keep in mind i took one hit out of a one hitter i called bullshit on all of her arguments because as long as i've known her she has never had a problem with weed and would often encourage me to use it because it does reduce my anxiety and temper she often brags about her ex-boyfriend selling weed and her ex-husband smoking every day and it not being an issue all right i was kind of hearing her argument to those last fucking two sentences wow this person this is a fucking retread you're with huh jesus uh you got her out of the recycle bin there i so i assumed this wasn't about weed but something else i assume it's the result of me telling her months ago oh here we go that i wouldn't be with her if she continued to drink because she had a serious seriously unhealthy relationship with alcohol so i imagine she's trying to use this as her chance to play holier than thou card for the record i don't want to smoke weed all day slash every day it's the principle of the thing but now my relationship is riding on this thing and i don't want i don't want to do what is writing on this thing and i don't want to do i think it's writing on this thing that you don't want to do what are your thoughts help a brother out do i want to deal with this crazy level of hypocrisy forever thanks and go fuck yourself um i don't think so no i don't think so uh and the detached way that you're able to talk about her and you never once said that you know i really love her though you never said that so um it sounds like she had a rough childhood that led into alcohol abuse and to her uh picking some really

fucking some real winners here drug dealers and fucking uh i don't know mike i don't know

what her ex-husband did but he smoked every day um yeah i i think uh

the way you tell it it doesn't sound like a rational person so um on the other side i will you, there are a lot of people that get high every day and don't think that they have a problem. Whereas if you get drunk every day, people call you drunk and say, you know, you have a problem.
I have a couple of friends of mine that did that for a good 20 fucking years and they paid the price um smoking weed every

single fucking day it's like everything you wouldn't want to eat ice cream every day you'd

be a fat fuck you drink booze every day you're gonna have a bad liver gallbladder gin blossoming

fucking alcohol is brutal and i actually you know now that i've finally been educated a little bit

on weed i really do believe it's way way worse it definitely ages you way way way more um

Thank you. Now that I've finally been educated a little bit on weed, I really do believe it's way, way worse.
It definitely ages you way, way, way more than weed does. But I don't think like, you know, wake and bake people and people who need weed to fall asleep.
I know it helps with anxiety and shit like that. And obviously, you know, pain of chemotherapy.
It's got a lot of great things. but what it really comes down to is if it's not if you feel it's not affecting your life then i would just continue to do what you're doing but it's something that as an adult you know when you move out your parents aren't there to fucking question your behavior you really have to i feel be extra tough on yourself like i drank way too much last year way too fucking much so I'm glad that I kind of have it back under control.
And even now I probably drink way too much. So I'm trying to look at that type of shit.
And you know, what's funny when I, when I don't drink, you know, I'm more apt to take a hit of weed because I'm just used to having a little bit of a buzz every couple of days. So then I, that always, whenever I quit drinking, then there'll be like a two week period that if somebody has weed, Hey, you want to hit, I'll actually take a hit.
And I never smoke weed. But then after that, then I, then I just, you know, I just don't like weed.
I'm just not into it. And, um, then after like two weeks, then I just kind of just don't do anything,

and then that's when I start getting into shape again.

So whatever, man. I think, you know, you sound pretty level-headed,

and you never said you loved her, so I would get out of that.

That sounds like a fucking, you'd really have to,

like the amount of baggage she sounds like she has, you know.

I mean, marrying a fucking alcoholic, I mean, that just that's that really takes a fucking saint. If you're sober, sort of.
I don't know. I don't know why you'd want to put yourself through that.
All right. That's their issue to fucking deal with.
And you got to be selfish when you want to find the right person. So there you go.
All right. Older lady wants to bang.

Oh, gee, gee. Here's to you, Mrs.
Robertson. All right.
Hey, Bill, I am a 22-year-old senior at college just outside of Baltimore, and I'm a big fan of your stand-up and podcast. Well, thank you.
I caught your show when you came to Baltimore, and you absolutely killed it. Thank you again you again.
Anyways, I wanted your advice as it relates to an older fucking lady.

So just to give you a little background, last summer I decided to get in shape.

I developed a nice workout routine and subsequently lost 40 pounds and really built up some muscle.

As a result, women have been showing a lot more interest in me there you go turned it around good for you i'm happy for you and i've definitely had more confidence with talking to women all right well keep keep going keep going and keep shooting for the moon talk to those chicks you think are out of the out of your league see what happens anyways now i have been using some dating apps and have met and hooked up with more women than i have ever have before not bragging it's just the facts all right well i hope you're using a condom there fucking studly um so recently and this may sound weird i ran across this incredibly attractive 50 year old woman on one of the dating apps and liked her profile just kind of as a joke no you didn't you were attracted to her who gives a shit she is a classic example of a cougar she's like mrs robinson from the graduate or that horny bitch from sex in the city who just fucks everybody oh my god yeah the most one-dimensional character ever Kim Cattrall's character it's just fucking with every fucking line it's like i get it you fuck a lot of guys um has anybody ever just there has to be a youtube video where everybody just put all those lines from the entire fucking series it's like my my nia used to watch the thing all the way back when it was on when we were still living in new york we were living together in this apartment i would just be on the other side of the apartment she'd be watching it and anytime kim cattrall's character would say something i would always be in the background i would just go because she's a whore um anyways he says much to my surprise i matched with her i don't know what that means does she hit you back basically she's surprisingly sexually aggressive now it isn't women fucking by their mid-30s they know what the fuck they want they don't give a shit anymore and clearly wants to fuck me she sends me messages all the time and talks about how she likes younger men of course she does she doesn't want to bang some fucking old bastard like me she followed me on snapchat recently and started sending me nude pictures and shit oh boy now at least in my experience young guys always joke about the prospects of fucking a cougar all All my friends are saying I should just fuck her, but I can't shake the feeling that there's something fucked up about it. Is it weird that she's over twice my age? What are your thoughts on this bill? Should I fuck her or is it a bad idea? Let me know.
Thanks to go fuck yourself. Oh, sir, this is going to be a great lesson for you.
How old did you say you were? 22. Okay, I will tell tell you this and it took me into my early 40s to learn this there is no way to ever over emphasize the importance of listening to your gut listening to your gut will will i'm telling you when your tells you, man, this doesn't feel right, fucking walk away.

Walk away every fucking time.

Okay?

Unless it's like it's some sort of stage fright thing, some sort of anxiety thing that you have to get over.

You're not afraid of fucking women.

Okay?

Now all of a sudden this woman's coming and there's this fucking feeling that you're feeling this ain't right. So just fucking women.
Okay. Now all of a sudden this woman's coming and this is fucking feeling that you're feeling this ain't right.
So just fucking walk, walk, walk away. Okay.
What kind of a fucking 50 year old is sending naked pictures to somebody half their fucking age? All right. Now I know this day of hyper feminism, they'll say that that's actually brave.
It's this, it's that, it's empowering.

It's fucking pathetic.

Because all you have to do is slide it over.

If a guy was sending dick pics to a 22-year-old chick,

see what I'm saying?

You know what I mean?

This is like, whatever.

Anyways, yeah, dude, fucking walk away.

That's a fucking train wreck.

And your gut is telling you that, and you need to just listen to your gut. All right? When you go into a job interview and you're fucking sitting across from the person, they're talking to you.
I'm telling you, beyond just interviewing, you're going to get a sense. I swear to God, I took a meeting one time with somebody, and the second I met this person, I just didn't like him.
And there was something about something about him they felt sleazy and i got this joke thief vibe from him and i immediately stopped telling stories and all that shit and i ended up going and i just was like wow i thought i really wanted to meet that person then i met him and they weren't what i thought they were gonna be and then i talked to like two or three people about him they're like yeah that guy's got a he's got a fucking rep for stealing shit i'm telling you you gotta listen to your gut it will give that's how you how you end up not in the trunk of a serial killer's car is your gut's gonna tell hey you know i don't give a fuck if this person has a flat keep driving you're gonna feel it you're gonna feel that weird thing so good for you don't do it all right here we go all right let's read the last thing here overrated underrated uh hey you brewing Don't do it. All right.
Here we go. All right, let's read the last thing here.
Overrated, underrated. Hey, you Bruin-loving fuck.
Boston Bruin-loving fuck. Make sure you get it right.
The original Bruins. Not like the UCLA Bruins who came later.
Overrated. Sidney Crosby is the most overrated cunt I can think of.
Oh, give me a fucking break, dude. All right.
So he scored a lot of goals against your team is what i'm guessing anyways he said i wish this cocksucker

cocksucker would be held accountable for just one of the ridiculous fucking antics he pulls

this bag of shit most recently jams his stick into ryan o'reilly's nuts from behind you can

see in the replay he waits for the ref to be screened and assassinates o'reilly's future kids

Thank you. into Ryan O'Reilly's nuts from behind.
You can see in the replay, he waits for the ref to be screened and assassinates O'Reilly's future kids. He won't even get a fine.
Fuck him and every cunt that roots for him. I understand that.
I understand that. But, you know, Lucic used to play for us, and he was the king of spear and people in the taint and the nuts.
I don't know i would just you know he also makes the league a lot of money and superstars have different rules that's just how it is but i will tell you this that guy's backhander is fucking has more power and speed to it than a lot of guys wrist is in the league best backhand i've ever seen and um you know i i have to give it up to greatness but you know he yeah he used to whine a lot when he was younger i think half of it was his pouty lips so it made it look even worse but uh i don't know that guy's a stud man but i understand not liking him um anyways underrated bowling i recently found out i have a spine problem i spine problems so i had to quit softball and flag football the good thing i was at high school uh the i was good at i guess the sport i was good at a lot of people fucking up this week the sport the sports i was good at high school in high school but not that good starter kit you left out a couple of words in that thing, buddy. Anyways, my brother turned me on to bowling leagues and it's way better than I ever gave it credit for.
It's competitive. You win a little money.
And if you suck ass, you can walk 10 feet to the bar. And get lit slash win win.
Thanks. Go fuck yourself.
Absolutely. Bowling's the shit.
But I will tell you, I would definitely go to a chiropractor and I would get a great masseuse. And maybe they could work out a lot of your back stuff.
Because if you're going to go from active shit to something inactive like that and add alcohol, you're going to put on weight, which is not going to be good for you. Certainly your lower back.

You can be walking around like you're in your third trimester and you're never given birth.

You know what I mean?

Terminal pregnancy.

Fucking booze and pizza.

All right, everybody.

That is the podcast for this week.

All right.

Always listen to your gut.

Go fuck yourselves.

And I'll check in on you on Thursday. Go.
Always listen to your gut. Go fuck yourselves.
And I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Go Bruins.

Go Celtics.

Go fuck yourselves. Holy, holy, sweet, holy