Baseball, Screens, California | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-24-25

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Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

And I'm just checking in

on you.

Woo!

How's it going?

Ah, Jesus Christ, it's fucking 3.45 in the morning.

Fucking

3.45 in the morning.

Oh, Billy Jet Lag.

Billy Jet Set.

Billy over here.

Now he's over there.

Oh, Billy, what are you doing up there?

I thought I beat it.

I thought I beat it.

The jet lag.

Flew back from Italy, stayed up the whole fucking way.

Connected in Atlanta.

And I was just like, I'm just not going to go to sleep.

I'll land it, you know, left the hotel at 7 in the morning, arrived back at my house at 9 p.m.

or something like that, fucking West Coast time.

And then I just passed out.

And I woke up the next day at like 6.30.

And I was like, I did it.

Look at that.

I beat this jet lag shit.

You know, you can't do it going west to east.

You know, it's way easier going east to west because it's way easier to just stay up than it is to not be tired and try to make yourself go to sleep.

You know what I mean?

It would be like, you know, like trying to just shit on command.

It's like, I just, I don't have to do this right now.

Oh, God,

I'm getting my lazy comedy years right now.

I'm just, I got nothing.

I'm going right for the shit joke.

The old shit joke.

The old shit joke.

She ain't what she used to be.

Yeah, that's going to be me playing C-grade casinos.

Don't you see this?

Did you see this in the news today?

I mean, it's all in the papers.

Some poor fucking 40-year-old kid dragged to the show by his parents.

Looking at his parents like, what's a paper?

The fuck is a paper?

Anyway, I watched my first Red Sox game of the year

last night, and oh, what a dandy it was.

You know, I know we were ripping it up right before the all-streak.

One like 10 in a row or some shit.

Then we came out all sluggish.

We basically, dealt Raphael Devers

to San Francisco, and everybody's like, What the fuck did they do that for?

And then only won 10 in a row.

Like, you know, dude, I was saying, dude, I was saying that made a lot of sense.

I mean, the guy didn't want to take grounders at first or third during spring training.

The fuck, dude.

Let's get him out of here and let's get some other fucking prospects.

And then we started, you know, slumping again.

So, anyway, anyways,

I watched the game yesterday.

I put it on, right?

Five to nothing.

No, four to nothing.

And I'm like, ah, well, you know, what are you going to do?

And I've always liked the Phillies.

You know what I mean?

I liked them way back when Pete Rose in 1980, Steve Cowlin, Mike Schmidt.

And I fucking loved the National League.

They played on Astro Turf in those those multi-purpose stadiums, and the game just looked faster.

It was hit and run.

People were stealing and everything.

The Phillies had a really cool uniform.

I was actually thinking yesterday, last night, that you could argue that Philly, if you look at all four of their sports teams combined

in the early 80s,

I mean, I don't think you had a city that had four teams that collectively had better uniforms than that.

You know?

I mean, the Eagles, yeah, it was all right.

But the Flyers had a great uniform.

The Creamsickles, before they lost their way years later, before they went back to it, they had the Creamsicles, right?

Then they had the fucking Phillies had that cool blue with the maroon.

And then the 76ers.

I mean, I still maintain the 76ers warm-up

tracksuit, whatever the fuck you call it,

during the Dr.

J Mo Cheeks, Andrew Toney years.

I don't know.

I would put that up there.

I would put that up there against anything.

I'm trying to think of another city that like four teams, all four teams.

I mean the Patriots, when we had Pat Patriot, when we had Paul Revere,

look at this guy driving down the street with his I'm sitting in my truck, by the way.

Guy driving down the street with his fucking roll bar with the lights on on top.

Is that what the fuck I'm looking at?

I don't know.

Oh no, that's some sort of

renter cop.

It's a rent-a-cop, dude.

Dude, dude, you don't have to give him your license.

I'm on Best Buy property.

I had to do it.

Nah, dude, you fucking pussied out.

Anyway, so it was four to nothing.

But you know, the great thing about baseball is it takes a little while.

So you can jump in at four to nothing.

You have no idea what's going to happen.

Then it becomes five to nothing.

I'm like, yeah, what the fuck?

You know, there's something great about in the dog days of baseball as a fan just sitting there watching your team down five to nothing after four or five innings.

I think it was four innings, right?

I'm like, I don't give a fuck.

I'm going to keep watching this shit.

Well, wouldn't you know it?

The top of the fifth, I think it was.

Some kid goes up, I don't know anybody's name on the team.

Some kid comes up, he hits a fucking double.

Well, there you go.

Look at that.

Then there was a walk.

And somewhere in the middle of all of this, they interview interviewed the Phillies manager and they're talking about the kid who's pitching for the Phillies.

And I guess

his wife

gave birth at 3.30 in the morning.

That's funny.

I'm doing this podcast at 3.30 in the morning.

That's a little apropos, wouldn't you say?

I don't even know what that means.

There's a little serendipity.

There's so many of those expressions that I've just kind of, you know, smiled and nodded at.

You know, for the longest time, when somebody said he was lucid, I thought that meant he was like fucking drooling and was not paying attention.

I used that word wrong.

I didn't use that word a lot.

Oh, but when I did, I was the most interesting man in the room because everyone's like, I don't know what the fuck this guy's talking about.

So a lot.

There was a lot of furrowed brows.

He's saying this guy's out of his fucking mind.

I thought he was firing on all cylinders.

He was firing all cylinders.

Well, not according to the ball ginger in the corner.

He just called them lucid.

No, wait.

then they would understand how I meant it whatever it's fucking 3 30 in the morning what do you want from me so anyway

they fucking

they go it's five to nothing in the whatever the the fucking manager they talk to him and they go well yeah his wife gave birth to his first child 3 30 in the morning and I said to him you know what do you want to do you know you do you want to take the night off he's like no no skip I want to pitch right great story that he comes out he's fucking dialed in He's mowing us down.

They're up five to nothing.

What a great way to invite your first kid.

I believe he had a baby boy.

He had a baby boy.

His fucking wife did.

Shut up, bitch.

Anyway,

right after they interview that guy, the fucking kid lets up a double.

Then there's a walk.

Then he walks another guy.

There's fucking two outs somewhere along the line.

He walks in a run.

It's five to one.

Here comes the tire and run of the plate.

Walks in another run.

Four straight pitches.

I think it was Duran he walked.

And then the guy who hits after Duran comes up.

It's five to two.

There's a shot to left field.

There's come back again.

Fucking grand slam.

Grand slam.

Now it's six to five.

And I'm like, would you look at that?

There was a guy who used to play for the Yankees a long time ago named Yogi Bearer.

And he told all of us, it ain't over till it's over.

All baseball fans know that expression.

It ain't over until it's over.

And that's not true.

It ain't over until your team comes back five to nothing and goes up 6-5.

And then you're sitting there

like a fucking fat, dumb, orange cunt going, this game is fucking over.

6-5 after 6, 6-5 after 7.

Here we go.

Top of the eighth, we don't get nothing.

Six outs away.

And the second I started counting outs, I'm like, don't count outs, Bill.

Don't count outs.

There's a fucking shot to straightaway center.

Phillies tie it up.

Six to six.

We go into extra innings.

Top of the 10th.

Red Sox score a run

to go up seven to six.

And I'm like, all right, come on, what do you do?

You know, I talked to my wife for half a second.

Next thing you know, there's a guy standing on third third for the Phillies.

I'm like, what the fuck happened?

Every time we come back from commercial, there's a first pitch hit.

This guy just hit a triple.

He did not.

He hit a double.

Then there was a bark or some shit.

He goes over to third, and there's one out.

And the guy announcing the game goes, that doesn't matter.

I mean, what the fuck do you mean it doesn't matter?

The fuck do you mean it doesn't matter?

How could you say that?

Oh, no, that was that one.

I'm sorry.

I got ahead of myself there.

I don't know what the fuck happened.

It was seven to six, and then the Phillies tied it up, bottom of 10th, seven to seven.

right no that was what they did they got the guy over to fucking third bottom of the tenth that's what it was

so it's seven to seven and now I'm thinking like

all right now we're in the top of the 11th there's something about baseball after the 11th I'm rooting for my team I'll root for my team through 11 innings after 11 innings I just root for everybody somebody hit a home run and this fucking thing it's a goddamn work night there ah geez people gotta go to work

Anyway, we end up going up.

I think we had a home run, a two-run shot.

We came out with a double right after the commercial break.

We go up 9-7.

And then we get one out, then they get somebody on base.

And I'm like, this fucking game's never going to end.

And it ended up ending.

After 11 innings, 9-7.

I can't tell you who was pitching on either side.

I can't tell you who did what.

I don't know who's shot.

I don't know who's not, right?

And

that was my first Red Sox game of the year.

And get used to that and even more in-depth baseball coverage right here on the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

There was one home run that the Red Sox hit during all of that that, you know, the Phillies reviewed.

They were like, oh my God, I want to fucking see it.

I want to see that again because I don't think that was a home run.

And it never

like

fails to blow my mind when you just have fans at baseball games and

the way that they reach out for foul balls and home runs with no clue of the score.

It's like you knew the score until you saw that ball coming at you and just your instincts.

You know, did you learn nothing?

from that poor fucking bastard out there

with the Cubs.

I mean, that kid had to move.

He had to move.

And what killed me about that was there was a whole bunch of people reaching for that fucking foul ball, and he was the poor bastard that it hit.

He was the poor bastard

that it hit, you know?

And then what happened?

He fucking disappeared.

Then years later, they won the World Series, and then they tried to make it up to him.

I will say one of the worst things ever was when I watched the documentary on that, the fucking local disc jockeys, the DJs, they gave out the guy's fucking name and address.

So a bunch of deadbeat dads, degenerate pieces of shit could go over there and harass this person.

Who the fuck would do that?

I can see if you got a kid.

Who's got the fucking time to do that?

How many years do you not win the World Series before you realize it's the organization, not the Dungeon and Dragons kid and the fucking crowd?

So anyways, the ball,

the ball coming down,

the Red Sox goes to

hits the fucking home run.

And there were two Red Sox fans that reached out and grabbed it, okay?

That's what they were looking at.

But there was a Philly fan in there too, some lady, and she had a fucking glove.

And once you have a fucking glove on, when you go to a Red Sox, a baseball game, you're not a fucking woman anymore.

You're a baseball fan.

Alright?

You're not just there because your husband's there.

You know what I mean?

You're not not there to get fucking attention.

Tying off the back of your t-shirt into a fucking knot so when you sit and you lean forward to look at something, they see the top of your booty crack.

You're not fucking there for that.

You brought a glove.

You brought a glove.

That means you care maybe a little too much.

Maybe a little too much.

You may be keeping score.

Taking your glove off between fucking fly balls to right field or left field like Jim Abbott.

Remember that guy?

The one-handed pitcher?

Keep and score, right?

Or maybe you're right-handed.

I guess a lot of people are like that.

Yeah, because that would be on the opposite hand.

All right, forget the Jim Abbott reference.

But you brought a fucking glove.

That means you give a shit.

And this chick fucking reached out

to try to catch the fucking home run.

Why don't you try to knock it back into the field to play?

They don't.

Everybody gets excited about a souvenir.

And that's, I'll tell you right now, when you finally realize that you're entering your curmudgeon years

is when you go to a sporting event and I don't give a fuck what comes flying into the stands from the field to play.

You don't give a fuck.

You don't stand up.

When those chicks can the guys come out, those overly excited musical theater kids come running out on a basketball court, you know, eyebrows up, eyes real wide, you know, doing that Tourette fucking shake with their head, holding the t-shirt up.

Zoinks, right?

Who wants it?

Zoinks.

You know, trying to get you,

whatever section you're in.

Who can yell the loudest?

When you don't give a fuck what computer game they have going on on the Jumbotron that your section can fucking root for so you can get a free Dairy Queen Sunday at your local participating locations, when you stop giving a fuck about that and start looking at that Jumbotron for what it it is,

crowd control.

To get everybody looking at the screen because they're staring at their fucking cell phones, watching a little game, going to the Jumbotron, and

what happened?

There's no more class clowns at games.

There's barely any fights in the stance.

Don't let Instagram and all those things fool you.

That there's a bunch of fights in the stands.

There's 30 games and 30 games.

There's 15 fucking games a night on average.

I haven't done any research, whatever.

There's a lot of fucking games every night in baseball.

All right, 30,000 people at each fucking game.

Ah, that's like fucking three,

four fucking million people.

It's like four and a half fucking million people on average a night watching baseball.

I don't know.

A million to four and a half million, depending on how it's fucking.

Depending on whether they let them use steroids or not.

Because I'll tell you right now, you fucking so-and-so's.

When baseball,

remember that fucking

Michael Rapperport documentary when the garden was Eden about the Knicks in the early 70s, 52 fucking years ago?

But for some reason, ESPN, every year you still have to fucking watch the Knicks fans talking shit on ESPN.

Like everybody doesn't know they're not going to win the championship, but every fucking year they got to show them.

Oh, what are these crazy?

You know those New Yorkers?

It's a lot of bravado.

Oh, geez, they're fucking car.

Just

the New York bias when it comes to sports is never more exposed than in basketball season.

All right, I get it with the Yankees.

They've won the most, okay?

I get it.

All right.

I get that it's a big market.

You know, Giants have won.

Jets never fuck.

They never really go to Jets fans.

You know what they do with Jets fans?

They just show a compilation of them booing people at the NFL draft.

But whatever.

They get a ton of fucking

attention.

And never is it more obvious how fucking stupid it is

than every goddamn night you gotta watch Nick fans,

you know, jumping up and down

in this orgy of overconfidence.

Jumping up and down like they're standing behind a rapper in a video in the early 2000s.

Remember that

rappers would always go to their neighborhood to let everybody know that they're still fucking in the neighborhood and you know they're still keeping it real and all of this shit.

And they didn't really buy a fucking mansion in New Jersey.

But everybody knew that they did.

When it came time to do the video, you went back to your fucking block and the whole fucking neighborhood showed up to jump up and down behind you.

I remember that in Houston when all the rappers were coming out of Houston.

And everybody would be fucking, you know, I liked when it was the southern rap and everybody would be in like the fucking rural area and went from all these fucking shots in Brooklyn or shots outside of LA or in Houston.

And then all of a sudden they would just,

what was that guy?

Oh,

North Carolina,

come on and raise up, you know, and they're just fucking

standing outside a 7-Eleven next to a Winn-Dixie.

Not quite the fucking

scenic views of the major cities.

You know, I talked about that for so long, I forget what I was talking about.

Oh, the bias of New York teams, right?

Like, I remember there was a time Red Sox, I think in 2007, the Red Sox won the World Series, and the ESPN gives us our props and then immediately goes, reaction in the Bronx.

And now for the reaction in the Bronx, remember?

Because George Steinbrenner,

you know, always had to issue a statement.

George Steinbrenner, convicted felon.

Convicted felon.

Gets pardoned by Ronald Reagan.

Hey, those fucking billionaires.

The politicians have been looking out for the billionaires forever.

For fucking ever.

And my people will never fucking, no, they'll never pay attention to it because they don't give a fuck because it's white on white crime.

And that's fine.

I see myself in there, you know, getting Yankees' tickets.

I see myself in there fucking bribing a politician.

You know?

She gets somebody brown

just out there working on a farm.

Get him the fuck out of her.

Storming

the U.S.

Capitol.

I'll give my pardon.

That's fine.

That's fine.

You know, who hasn't put on a buffalo head and fucking killed a cop?

Anyway,

I guess what I'm trying to say is I watched my first fucking Red Sox game of the year.

All right.

So anyway.

Oh, I had a big day yesterday.

I went for a ride in my old truck, right?

So it's got the bench seat.

So I say to my lovely daughter, I go, Hey, you want to take a ride?

Let's just go right around, right around the neighborhood.

So we go to get in the truck.

She goes, Dad, I want to sit right here, which is, you know, the middle seat or whatever.

Because, you know, I was away on the plate for a long time.

She's eight years old.

You know, she missed her dad, so she wants to drive down the street.

And I said, I was hoping you were going to say you wanted to sit right there.

And she said, why?

I said, because you're going to steer.

I'm going to, I'm going to, she goes, dad, I don't want to do that.

Come on.

She goes, Dad,

why do you want to teach me how to drive so bad?

I'm only eight years old.

I go, you start early.

You start.

My dad started me early.

I can drive a fucking stick shift by the time I was like 12, 13 years old.

So she's going to do the same thing.

This thing shifts three on the tree, right?

So I go, you know, all you got to do is steer.

She goes, I can't do that.

I go, yeah, you can't butt you that little fucking butt of this little...

You know, those electric cars that they got, kids.

She's too big for it now, you know?

Got her this little Range Rover,

and we used to play, uh,

we used to play Target, and I used to make her back into the parking spot.

I'd put a couple hockey sticks down, and I'd have her do a three-point turn, whatever, not three-point turn, I'd do the little fucking pull-out, look over your shoulder, and back into the spot, right?

It was just a game to her, but I was like, I'm, I'm, you know, this is good muscle memory.

So, anyway, we drive down the street, have this great conversation.

We go to this neighborhood, and there's nobody around,

and

you know, I just got the pedals, and she's got the fucking steering wheel.

Same way you learn how to fly a helicopter.

They give you one control at a time.

And

we ended up having a great time.

And she was like nervous at first,

you know, over-correcting.

Like, you're going on the other side of the street.

Come on back the other way.

Hand over hand.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

We're going to hit the curb.

Now we're going to hit the curb.

Dan.

And I would just say, I got the brakes.

Look, I stopped.

Turn it.

Blah, blah, blah.

Then she'd get nervous when other other cars were coming by, and then it was nothing.

So I'm going to start doing that.

And in the meantime, you were just shooting the breeze.

And she goes to me, she goes, Dad, guess what my favorite store is?

She goes, I'll give you seven guesses.

I'm like, oh my god, I don't know.

GameStop?

Nope.

That Pokemon story went, nope.

The comic book, nope.

She goes, you're never going to guess it.

That's three.

I'm like,

7-Eleven?

Nope.

She told me it was IKEA.

I go, why do you like IKEA?

She goes, I just like going in there and like seeing all the different ideas for rooms and stuff.

And I was like, you know what?

You're right.

I never would have guessed IKEA.

Speaking of IKEA, did you see, you know, there's an IKEA in the valley

near Burbank Airport, and near it is an In-N-Out burger.

And evidently, the head of In-N-Out left California to move to Tennessee.

And she said the reason why she did it, she said, California's a really difficult place to run a business and try and raise a family.

So I did a little fucking research on this person who said that.

I'm thinking, like, it's a difficult place to run a business.

There's a fucking line down the street at every In-N-Out.

Like, what is difficult about that?

All your locations are crushing it.

I looked it up.

It's a lady who

took over the business, In-N-Out Burger,

family-run business.

Run the right way, right?

She took over the business at 27,

becoming one of the youngest billionaires.

She's a fucking billionaire at 27.

It's a hard place to raise your kids.

When you're a fucking billionaire, there's no hard place to raise your kids.

It's a hard place to run a business.

Fuck out of here.

I'm so sick of fucking people trash, Americans trashing states.

Because they watch 24-hour news networks, and these fucking networks are pulling this goddamn country apart.

You don't fucking hate a state, you idiot.

They're on your team.

So fucking dumb.

Maybe a sports analogy.

If you guys would start realizing, just look at every state like they're a player on your team.

Have you played organized sports?

How many players cannot like the other player on the fucking team before you're not gonna win anything?

So fucking dumb.

You're fucking billionaire.

It's a really hard place to run a business and raise a family.

Oh, gee, well, I hope you have better luck in Tennessee, you fucking billionaire.

Billionaires, the worst.

All right, simply safe.

She's talking about the taxes.

That's not California's fault.

California didn't bring us into fucking Iraq

and make us stay there for 25 fucking years.

That's why you don't have any money.

That's why the taxes are that fucking high.

Jesus fucking Christ.

It's because you're Gavin Newsom.

Oh, is that what it is?

All right.

I don't even know.

I don't know anything about Gavin Newsome.

All I know is it's not his fucking fault This fucking state has no goddamn money.

You fight a never-ending fucking war and you never leave for a quarter of a century.

Hey, you're going to run out of money.

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You know, someday in the near future, you know, part of SimplySafe, I'm going to guess that you'll actually be able to have

an AI AI robot version of you

that goes down and confronts the criminal and does all the things you don't have the balls to do.

Like basically the action hero movie version of you.

Comes downstairs, you know, looks just like you, but it's not you.

You're upstairs controlling it with a remote control.

And you confront the fucking...

The burglar

like it's a video game.

And you get to say cool shit because it's not you.

So you're not afraid of getting your ass kicked or dying.

You can be like, Looks like you picked the wrong address, right?

With your fucking, like, it's, and it's going to be like anatomically correct.

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You know, open robe with boxes

with your left nut hanging out.

Slippers and dark socks.

Looks like this house isn't going to get breaking in.

Broken into.

It's going to be your skull.

You know, whatever dumb

you want to put down that glass cutter or should i shove it up your ass

like all those 80s

glad that looks like that glass cutter is gonna become an ass cutter

right next thing you know you're rolling around in the shrubs You got all this video of it.

And then when the cops show up after the burglar's been subdued, you know, you you know, you bang your head into a door so you have a mark on your face so you can pretend it was you, and the cops play along, you know, because you give to their fucking policeman's ball every fucking year, but everybody knew it wasn't you, you fucking coward.

You know, and then the game for people that rob houses, burglars, their game is: can I rob enough fucking houses that I can afford to have the AI version of me,

robot, fighting the AI version of this guy, this fucking dad barred motherfucker, right?

And then that becomes the game,

right?

And then Comedy Central picks it up, rebooting battle bots.

This time, they're trying to break into your house, right?

Look at that.

See?

That's why I am successful in show business.

I just came up with that wonderful show right off the top of my head.

Or maybe this is AI Bill.

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All right, that's it.

That's the podcast, everybody.

Thank you for listening to Billy Chet Lag.

Oh my God, I got off that fucking plane full of all that shit food.

I ate shit airline food the whole goddamn way.

Would you like one?

I absolutely fucking lutely.

Send it my way, but I'm back on it.

Anyway, here's a good stretch for you.

This is for all the old people on the show.

Everybody else can just fucking hang up and act like you're not going to get old and act like because you're young, you shouldn't be doing this right now.

You take a broom handle, right?

And you just fucking, you know, widest grip you can and then bring it all the way back.

You know, to basically where you would have it, the

all the way down, right?

You go backwards all the way down to your waist, you know.

So the bar is now like parallel with your lower back, where you would get a tramp stamp if you were.

And then you bring it back up again.

And then, you know, the widest grip you can possibly do.

And that'll be easy because you'll have that sort of range of motion.

Then you bring your grip in a little more and you try to do it again, all the way down to your tramp stamp waist and then back up again.

And you just keep doing, you know, and you know, you hold the stretch or whatever slowly and you keep bringing your hands closer and closer together.

Because

I've been doing that, and

you know, so much of your life is internal rotation, driving, sitting down at a computer, and your shoulders like roll in.

It's a great way to combat that and expand.

And plus, also, a lot of fucking people from my generation, Generation X, you know, we're still all about what can you bench, doing curls and everything.

And your front part of your torso gets stronger than the back half, which is another thing that pulls your back, sorry, your back half, your back, and it pulls your shoulders forward.

So I found that that's a great fucking stretch.

It actually improves my mood when I do it.

So give it a shot.

Improve your range of motion.

You know, if you're an old dad like me, it makes it easy to slap your kids in the back seat.

I'm kidding.

I would never.

hurt my kids, but I will make them laugh.

I will make them laugh by reaching back and grabbing it.

Like, what did you say to me?

You know,

kids don't like anger, but pretend anger to them is the funniest shit ever.

All right.

Anyway,

that is the podcast.

Psych to be back here in the States and

psych to have fucking, you know, nothing to do.

And I'm going to try to do that for a while before I have a bunch of shit to do.

All right, that's it.

Go fuck yourselves.

Enjoy the music, musical interlude, picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Themlis, followed followed by a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

Have a great weekend, you cuts!

The light in the window is a crack in the sky.

A stairway to darkness in the blink of a night

and let me empty your sales, you'll never become a man.

The man in the dark will bring another

day.

Your mama told you that you're not supposed to

talk to strangers.

Looking at mirror, tell me, do you think you're nice in danger?

No more tears, tears.

No more tears, Taylor.

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 24th,

2017.

What's going on?

How are you?

I got to keep my voice down.

I got my little one here is sleeping in the next room.

I am in New York City.

I got a little acting gig here on a little movie in a little city called New York City.

For the next week, I'll be doing that shit.

So I'm acting during the day and night, whenever the hell they have me doing it.

And

then I'm looking, I come home and I look at the scripts that we're working on for Efforts for Family.

And

I don't know.

That's become my life here.

I actually did one spot this weekend, though.

I went over to the Gotham Comedy Club.

Hadn't been there in fucking years.

Went over there, had a great time, and

try to maybe pop in and do another spot maybe next weekend or something just to, you know, so I don't forget all my fucking jokes.

But Jesus Christ, has New York changed?

I can't believe it.

Like, everybody lives in Brooklyn now.

I don't know.

I mean, there's a bunch of people still living in Manhattan, but like, I don't know.

Manhattan's weird now.

Like,

they took it too far

like I remember when I first lived here like Manhattan was it was scary

like you were always kind of

you know being aware of people around you I remember buying like a jacket and a hat trying to look tougher than I really was just trying anything you could do to you know

keep that fucking thing off you

and

And even then, I guess it was way better, obviously, than it was in the 70s and the crack 80s and everything.

Giuliani had just taken over.

But somewhere along the line, man,

they just took it too far.

I felt like I was in like Sacramento or something.

You know?

Not saying there aren't dangerous parts of Sacramento.

There's dangerous parts of it.

It just felt like it didn't feel like New York.

Like there was just no, there was no vibe.

I guess it was kind of cool, you know?

Like families and shit.

It kind of just, it's starting to feel like a theme park.

I know it's a weird thing to complain about that it's, it's like too safe,

but it's just,

I don't know, I'm probably just a grumpy old man.

It's definitely not the city I remember.

So

I was out in Brooklyn, you know, rehearsing some of the shit that I got to do for next week.

And

just going through there.

Oh my god, all the fucking high-rises.

Oh my God.

All the fucking high-rises and shit that they're building over there and um

it's it's just not i remember i used to date this woman that fucking lived off the g-train like fucking 15 years ago and it was like it was like going to another fucking world

um

and uh

now you you go i don't know what the fuck's going i don't know I'm just an old man going, this isn't the way it used to be.

You know, I went over there and it's like we're all like the hipsters, but even everybody's so anti-hipster that even hipsters don't dress like hipsters anymore.

But you can still see them, you know.

Now, the new vibe is just sort of like you have like the Conor McGregor haircut with the good Charlotte tattoos and clothes, you know.

So, you kind of look like, does this guy build custom motorcycles or does he ride a tricycle with a giant front wheel?

You know, is he making his own brew?

Is he working one of those fucking breweries?

You know, it's none of that.

You know,

the Michael Jackson pants that don't quite make it down to your fucking sneakers or shoes or whatever the fuck they are.

So,

I don't know.

Like,

Brooklyn's like, it's like nice now.

I don't know.

It's fucking.

It was.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

What I want to know is where did all those people go?

When they white it all up, like, where do all the rest of the people go?

Where do all those restaurants go?

Where does that vibe go?

All that culture?

Where the fuck does it go?

Everything just looks like a fucking Forever 21 now.

And everything's just a giant glass luxury fucking apartment building.

Who the fuck has all this money?

I thought these fucking millennials were broke.

They were coming out of college with all this college debt and there were no fucking jobs and all they do, you know?

i don't know what's going on if you're trying to buy a house right now it's like if you don't have like

you try to buy a house and there's some chinese guy or or

guy from the middle east or a russian guy that just comes in and just fucking

bids all cash

i think this is my fucking conspiracy theory

that Russia, China, and the Middle East are in cahoots with each other.

And they're like, look, well, we can't like just go over and start bombing those guys.

You know, the United States have nuclear weapons.

And as we saw in World War II, they will use them not once but twice,

right?

So they know they can't do that.

So I think what they're doing now is they're just going to fucking

just slowly buy as much as they can and put a Chinese guy.

a Russian or an Arab in all of those and then they'll be they'll have infiltrated our country then they'll run for office and then they'll just switch the whole fucking thing.

Do I sound like that guy talking about bodily or precious bodily liquids or fluids in

Doctor Strangelove?

I don't fucking know.

I think this is a part of being my age where, like, you live long enough that you remember how it used to be, and now you're seeing it changing.

It's kind of freaking you out.

Maybe that's what it is.

Maybe I'm just one of those guys being like, wow, you know, when I die someday, like, no one's going to give a fuck, and this is just going to keep going, isn't it?

I guess I'm not that important.

Anyways,

I'm fucking got my handheld goddamn recorder here because,

yeah, because I'm on the road and I didn't have any room to bring all my podcast shit because I got the kid now.

And

that's a fucking trip, huh?

Packing up all your stuff, all the stuff you need for the kid.

I don't know it's not that bad you just pack it all up and then you just go to curbside

Fucking hand somebody a 20 and just be like yeah, just shove all this shit under the plane Then that's it Then you get one of those giant wheelie things when you land you just wheel it out and you throw it all in a cab right

Then you yank it out and then you got the guy at the hotel and you fucking He puts it on a wheelie thing.

It's really not that that bad everybody acts like they have to carry it and fucking hold it in their lap on the plane ride you don't just pay the extra money shove it under the fucking plate

and be done with it

but my daughter did great on the plane you know I guess kids before they're like one years old like the

the air pressure stuff doesn't quite bug them as much I don't know why maybe their eustachian tubes are so small

I don't understand why

it wouldn't but people claim that it doesn't.

And for those of you who don't understand that ear-popping thing, which I didn't, it's just,

you know, when you take off

the air inside your ear, on the other side of your eardrum,

is

that pressure as you ascend becomes higher.

Than the pressure on the other side of your eardrum the outside part right that leads to the the little fucking escape hatch on the side of your head, right?

So there's that difference in air pressure.

And we all know high pressure always goes to low pressure, and it takes the most direct route, which is, you know, pushing against your fucking eardrum.

And then when you land, it's the exact opposite.

So when you're going up, your eardrum is getting pushed out because the pressure is higher there.

And then when you land, it becomes the opposite.

I believe that's correct, right?

Yeah, that's right, because as you go back down again, the pressure becomes higher outside your ear.

That's all that's going on.

And you can't explain that to a baby.

I was barely able to explain it to you.

So anyway, she did great on the plane.

She slept a lot.

And then when she wasn't, you know, I just got up and I was walking around with her.

And, you know, the flight attendants loved her.

I mean, who doesn't love a baby, right?

And fortunately, my daughter's like really cool.

She's got this thing where she just kind of, like, she's met so many people already that she's not freaked out by people.

So when she meets someone new, she just like,

you know, borderline in a rude way, just stares at them.

And it takes her like a good like three minutes.

And then eventually she's like, all right, I get who this person is.

And then she smiles and then turns away into your chest.

She gets a little shy.

Oh, would you look who's here?

Would you look who's here?

And she gives me a wave and there she goes.

You're going to come back out?

All right.

Yeah, so we were able to do that.

It wasn't that bad, and

this is kind of cool.

Like, I'm

back in New York with the whole family.

Makes doing the road way better.

I can tell you that.

Now, I just have to convince my wife to come along with me with our daughter when I go to like...

the not fun places.

I've always given her shit about that.

You know, she's always good to support me, you know, when I go to a fun city.

You know, but when I go to like fucking Jacksonville, Florida, I'm on my own.

You know, which is really bullshit because I have a lot of fun in that time.

You know?

Eat a little bit of alligator.

You go to a gun range.

Why not?

Anyways, let's try to bring the energy up here.

This is a fucking hard one to do.

It's hard to do when I got to keep my voice down, you know?

Anyways, so I'm totally back into my New York vibe.

You know what I really missed when I lived in the, since living on the West Coast, is I really missed the Yes Network.

When I lived here 10 years ago, I can't fucking believe that.

I've been out in LA for 10 fucking years.

I used to always,

you know,

I would watch the Yes Network and root against the Yankees.

That was like my shit.

I never watched the Mets.

I could never get into the fucking Mets, but that's what I would do.

I would watch almost every single Yankee game, as many of them as I could.

Or I'd watch the replays when I got home, and I would just sit there and I would just root against them.

But I mean, you had to watch them.

They were like this $200 million juggernaut.

And I used to always go to Yankee Stadium.

I'd go by myself because I lived on the east side.

You could just jump on the fucking, what is it, the 456,

take it right up to the Bronx.

Old Yankee Stadium, which was actually renovated Old Yankee Stadium.

And I would sit in like the fucking upper deck for like 12 bucks.

and I'd keep score like an old man and I used to watch Clemens and was it Mike Mucina that whole era but I remember like in 1998 you know the 1998 Yankees I got to go to a couple couple games that year knowing full well that I was watching what looked like was going to be one of the great teams of all time and you know 20 years later I still believe that and

but I used to fucking root against them especially Clemens I used to root against that guy hard And

but

so if I lived here, once again, I would be going to games because now they got Aaron Judge.

And I, Jesus, Nadie.

You're looking good.

Thank you.

Anyways, I used to always go up there and I would just root against them.

But now they got Aaron Judge.

And even the Red Sox fan, you got to give it up to the fucking Yankees.

They're the greatest franchise of all time as far as spotting talent.

Do you realize for basically the last 80 out of 100 years,

that'd be a century, Neil.

100 years is a century.

Do you understand that?

Huh?

Okay.

Why are you clamming up?

Where are you going right now?

I'm gonna go to see about baby.

Okay.

For the last 80 out of the last 100 years, they have scouted and picked the guy.

There's no other fucking franchise out there that can say it.

They fuck, okay,

they bought Babe Ruth.

All right.

The Red Sox

fucking owner was so goddamn pussywhipped, he had to keep his fucking wife quiet, and she wanted to fucking, I don't even know what the play was.

You know, but he needed to finance her fucking Broadway play to just shut her the fuck up and he sells Babe Ruth.

No excuse for that.

It's not like we didn't know who the fuck he was.

The guy was winning Cy Young Awards and hitting a fucking zillion home runs, and we still get rid of him because this fucking lady had to get a little tap dance fucking Fossey shit going, right?

So they don't get credit for that one.

That was a dumb move by the fucking Red Sox, and everybody knew that babe was the shit.

However, this is what they've done for the last 80 fucking years.

All right?

From their farm system, they went Lou Gehrig

to Joe DiMaggio to Mickey Mantle.

Right?

And then they had a little dip.

George Steinburner comes in.

You know, the Oakland A's don't want to pay anybody.

He buys the fucking Oakland A's.

They win two championships.

Fuck all of that.

Then he buys Dave Winfield.

Fuck all of that.

It's a bad 20, 25 years in there.

Okay?

Then fucking Derek Jeter.

I forgot.

Oh, wait.

I forgot.

What's his face?

Don Mattingly.

The only reason why people don't look at him like he's one of the greats is because he never won a fucking World Series.

But Don Mattingly

to Derek Jeter to Aaron Judge.

You can argue with me on Don Mattingly.

He wasn't quite one of the greats of the greats.

But like

there's fucking Aaron Judges.

It's like Paul Bunyan's coming up to the plate.

6'7.

Did you see that home run he had against Seattle the other night?

He almost fucking hit it out of the stadium.

You're not supposed to be able to do that.

He hit it so hard, so fucking far,

they couldn't measure it.

I think they said like 440 feet, which, you know, I've heard of shit going farther, but it's like that's just because the top of the stadium stopped it.

Jesus, those Seattle pitchers get lit up, don't they?

Did you ever see that one Maguire hit off of Randy Johnson?

He almost put a hole in the roof of the fucking kingdom.

Yeah, that was a brutal combination of like a hundred mile an hour pitch meeting fucking Androsteen,

whatever the fuck he was on.

If you're old enough to remember what it was like to watch a roided-up professional athlete hitting baseballs and watching that fucking laser show that those guys put on, I don't think you can argue

that steroids definitely should be in the game.

They're gonna be.

Like, all they gotta do is just work on the side effects and just get it down just like weed, you know, where you got the vaporizer.

Just if they can like vaporize like steroids, can you imagine that?

You pull a muscle or whatever the fuck you're feeling like, an old man, you just

breathe in that mist.

Your fucking muscles repair like a goddamn X-Men, and every day feels like the first day of spring.

Oh my god, am I spinging Tony Bennett?

If I ruled the world,

every day would be like the first day of spring

so they've done it at like

I with Aaron Judge I just have that's that's the greatest fucking franchise of all time as far as their ability to see the guy know the guy is the guy and somehow sign him before anybody else I don't know how the fuck they do it like how does everybody else miss out on Aaron Judge

I could see missing out on Derek Jeter you know

I could definitely see that.

He was a kid, you know, another 6'3 ⁇ , 6'4 fucking guy.

I mean,

there's a zillion of those.

But a 6'7 guy

coming up there like the fucking Jolly Green Giant.

Like, how do you miss that guy?

Somehow, everybody does.

I know there's probably some people out there arguing for the Lakers.

Now, I got to give respect to the Lakers as far as in my lifetime, from 1968 until now, the Los Angeles Lakers have won more championships than anybody else in my lifetime.

Believe Believe it or not, it is the Lakers.

They won, let's see, they won like one in the 70s,

five in the 80s.

That's six, and then

they won five with Kobe and a thousand fucking free agents.

So that's 11.

And

the only person that comes close to that in my lifetime would be the Canadians, where they won it 68, 69, 71, 73,

76,

77, 78, 79, 86, 93.

They won 10.

Anyways,

but I don't count like the Lakers, like

the real story of the Los Angeles Lakers is fucking free agents.

You know, like when they always try to get someone to join and become part of the history of the great Laker centers, and every one of them is a fucking free agent, except for the first giant white dude, that George, whatever the fuck his name was.

I almost said Mirasan what the fuck was that guy's name I don't know he looked like a giant science teacher he actually played with Minneapolis Mikin what the fuck was his name I can't remember anyways then you got Kareem he was a Milwaukee buck

right

Shaq

like they're all just fucking you know

Wilt, they're all just from someplace else.

So I have a bad feeling that fucking LeBron James is going to go out there and that the Lakers are eventually,

you know,

despite whatever Danny Ainge does, I just think it's inevitable that the Lakers

will pass the Celtics as far as number of championships because for the simple fact, we cannot offer what the Lakers can offer.

I've said this before.

Like, this is our pitch.

Hey, you know.

Do you want to come to racist Boston

with shitty fucking weather and bang sixes?

Or do you want to go to racist fucking Los Angeles, fuck movie stars, and feel like you're in Hawaii with the weather?

You know what I mean?

We can't fucking compete with that.

We can't compete with that.

So that's fucking it.

And then like our colors, you know, our fucking mascot's a goddamn leprechaun.

I mean, we just can't get any whiter.

The Lakers have like...

you know you know like the colors of somebody that has no money but they want they want to fucking look like they're doing something

that's what the lakers colors are with the gold and the purple you know the lakers just scream new money like you ever remember you used to watch those mtv cribs and you'd watch some fucking idiot you know with a giant fucking you'd have like a fish tank in his fireplace you know yet the fire still works son you know like those you look at that shit you're like this guy's gonna go fucking broke and this guy's gonna go broke look he's got like 20 people hanging out in his fucking house.

This guy's gonna go broke.

That's when I look at the Lakers' uniforms.

That's what I see.

Especially those old road ones, those purple ones.

I don't know.

I always thought their uniforms were a little silly.

I like the home ones, but the road ones always looked really silly to me.

But anyways, and us were just like, you know, green and white.

We got a fucking...

Oh, top of the morning to you, fucking mascot I mean I can't imagine what Danny Ainge has to say to people to try to get them

to come to Boston

no no no no the n-word that was shouted at a Red Sox game this year not at a Celtics game it's fucking brutal

Having said that though, I feel like the cops in LA beat the shit out of black people way more.

I don't know.

It's a push.

As far as like the racism, it's a real, it's a push.

You know, people always sit there and they try to act like all the racism is in the South and in Boston.

But you go out to L.A., it's fucking ridiculous.

They got all the black people quarantined, you know, in this little area that's, coincidentally enough, final approach for fucking LAX.

They got goddamn jets flying over their fucking heads every day.

Fucking

500 feet off the fucking ground.

Four runways all day long.

People just landing on final fucking approach.

You know, that wouldn't make you fucking fucking be in a certain mood.

I know it would with me.

Anyways, let me read a little bit of advertising here.

I know my stomach is grumbling here.

This always happens when I have the fucking

recorder here.

So I'm on my fucking, I have acting work diet, so I don't.

I go 12 hours without from the last time I ate and ate about 10 o'clock last night.

So you're gonna have to deal with the rumbling and the grumbling here.

All right.

Oh, Jesus.

Look who's back, everybody.

Oh, my God.

It's our old friends, old Zip.

I know what the fucking problem is.

I usually have my headphones on.

That usually helps with the comedy if you can hear yourself.

I don't know what it is.

You kind of need to hear yourself.

Hang on a second.

I got a good pause here.

All right, there we go.

Oh, now I'm back.

Now I can hear myself.

Okay, now the comedy's on.

Fucking.

Now, now here comes the fuck.

Here comes the comedy.

Did I read everything yet?

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All right, let's get back to the podcast.

Let's get back to the podcast.

What else did I want to talk about?

I don't know if I have anything else to talk about.

Too busy stressing out, getting picked up by the sad van.

The sad van that always takes you to this set.

It's a bare-bones van.

It's always white with either gray or black vinyl interior.

And you just get in there and you just like, I don't know.

I find it very stressful,

this acting shit.

You know what I mean?

Because I never can just focus on the day.

I always look at it like I'm always looking at the entire shoot.

Like I've already thought like, you know, you know, this time next week, I'll be done.

You know, rather than trying to enjoy it.

I learned a long time ago.

Well, I can't say I learned it because I'm still stressing about it, but I've just kind of learned to be like, okay, you know, I am just going to just fucking deal with today when it comes to these acting gigs and just be like, we're doing this scene and I'm going to make these choices and this is what I'm going to do.

And I'm going to listen to the fucking director.

If he wants it this way, I'll do it that way.

And then that'll be it.

And then I'll go home and then I'll memorize the lines for the next day and then I'll just fucking do that.

And I just, rather than fucking looking over the horizon, just dealing with that fucking day you know I know that sounds fucking weird but that's how I have to do it because if I don't do it that way then I

I

you know I mean it's it's the kind of thing that stops you from fucking looking at your taxes

you know what I mean

if you're incorporated and you play like quarterly taxes and shit you know or if you don't pay quarterly you got like the end of the years I fucking at the end of every month I get my receipts together I get everything it fucking sucks but only sucks for like an hour.

You know what I mean?

As opposed to waiting the entire fucking year and it takes like three days to get through the shit.

It also lets me know what the fuck I'm spending and

all of that type of shit.

So

did that make any sense?

Because it didn't even make sense to me.

All right, why don't I just get out of this shit and I'm just going to read a few of these questions.

A couple of these questions.

All right, on the

all right, for those of you who listen to this podcast religiously or maybe caught the last one,

I was asking like how that expression came about.

Because I brought it up in the writer's room.

I used for Ephesus for Family.

I was talking about

it's on the arm.

And there was a number of people that had never heard that expression.

And I said, well, it means, yeah, it means it's free.

You don't have to pay for it.

And then when I was looking it up, trying to figure out where it came from, it said it was a...

It came from like law enforcement or whatever.

But evidently, I was wrong because someone else went to another part of the internet and they came up with this.

It said, Bill, here's what the internet said about on the arm.

Or here's what you found that it said.

Because what I found that it said was about, it was from, came from the fucking law enforcement.

This person says,

to show their respects to the mafia boss who protected their neighborhood

or fear of being extorted, the store owners would not allow them to pay for items.

Well, if you're afraid that you're going to be extorted, I don't think that like bowing down to somebody, you should make them fucking pay for it, I would think.

But anyways, the store owners would take their right hand and brush it against their left arm as a way of saying, forget about it, no charge, free.

All right, well, where I looked at it, that it came, it came from law enforcement.

The cops wouldn't pay for stuff.

I don't know.

Who the fuck knows?

It's the internet.

You don't know what's true.

You don't know what isn't, right?

How far did you look?

How far onto the internet did you go?

I'm going to see how far it took me to get.

Okay, on the arm.

Here we go.

On the arm.

Origin.

Come on, man.

Come on, internet.

Work for me.

On the arm.

Any idea to his origin?

Is it that the police might have threatened with his gun?

I doubt it, but I'm just trying to figure out.

This is what I get.

That's the first one.

The first one

is just one of these.

What are these fucking chat rooms, by the way?

And who are these people in them?

Where are these things?

How do you chime into these things?

You got to sign in on them.

I'm on like wordreference.com.

And this guy just writes, this woman writes, hi there.

I heard the phrase on the arm in the movie Donny Brosco about a mafia guy, Al Pacino, as an undercover policeman, parentheses, Johnny Depp.

Is that movie that old?

He could have just said fucking Donny Brosco.

People know who's in it.

I learned that it's police lingo for free of charge.

Any idea as to its origin?

Is it that the policeman might have threatened with his gun?

I doubt it, but I'm just trying to figure out the arm in there.

Like, why would you present a theory and then doubt your own fucking fucking theory?

Here was what the people's response was.

Okay, dictionary to reference.

Somebody has this.

You click on this, arm.

The upper limb of the human body, especially part extending from the shoulder.

This is serious.

The upper limb from the shoulder, the forearm, the limb, the vertebase,

any arm-like attachment,

an administrative or operational branch of an organization.

An arm and a leg is a great deal of money.

Arm and arm, arms linked together, arm's length, on the arm.

Slang free of charge.

An investigation of policemen who ate lunch on the arm.

Put the arm on, to solicit or borrow money from.

She put the arm on on me for a generous contribution.

To force or use violence on, use strong arms.

You know what?

I don't even give a shit.

This is what happens.

By the time I get to this part of the internet, I was like, I don't fucking care.

And there's usually something I can click on in the side, like, oh, look at Tyson.

Keep it real.

Keep it Tyson.

Check them out.

I guess it's some sort of fucking lunch meet.

Luxury.

Now, what about me fucking, I guess, because it's on the arm, like they think somebody wants a free sandwich?

Catch it at a store near you.

Some giant fish.

Oh, word of the day.

Highfalutin.

That's a word?

I thought that was just something you sent him a sandwich, say.

Dag burn, highfalutin, varmint.

Dominic was at the back at a back table talking to a suited man in the sombre.

In the somber.

Highfalutin English he put on for people of stature.

Oh, it's like Madonna.

In this case, probably the noodle salesman.

I have no idea what that sentence meant, and I probably mispronounced most of it.

Madonna puts on the fake accent.

You know, why does she not act like she's just some white trash chick from Detroit?

She's got that stupid English accent now.

Borderline.

Still love that song.

All right, solution to dudes, girlfriend with the gross teeth.

Oh my god, will this fucking story ever end?

Hey, Billy, Ginger Vitus.

Ah, that's a clever one.

I found a real easy solution for the dudes that's dating the girl with gross teeth.

Yeah, so did I.

Dumper.

All you got to do is when you're sitting down to watch a movie, just happen to put on Austin Powers.

There's a couple of different scenes where the woman Austin is trying to bang...

hints that Austin needs to brush his gross fucking teeth.

This would be a good subtle way for a girl to realize that maybe she should take care of her own teeth because believe me, she knows they are disgusting.

Who walks around knowing that they stink?

Wouldn't you do something about that?

And plus, I don't think that, you know, if you're with somebody who's overweight, if you put on the clumps, you know,

the nutty professor, I mean, I think it'll just make them feel self-conscious and bad about themselves and make the overweight person want to go fucking binge eat more.

I don't know what the gross tooth person does, but go eat some fucking

fucking head cheese with, I don't know, some onions.

I don't know.

Anyways, he said you could maybe even say something during the scene like, yeah, why do British people have gross teeth?

He goes, I don't know, probably won't work, but it's worth a try.

Is this, everybody just shits on their own theories?

Yeah, dude, this won't work.

You know it won't work.

But it was worth it for your billy gingivitis there.

Also, Bill, have you been doing any grilling or smoking this summer?

I recently did some smoked chicken wings, and they were the best wings I've ever ate, hands down.

Thanks, and go fuck yourself.

No, my

grill,

my big green egg, and my flat-top grill have been like,

you know, if they were a car, I'd have them up on blocks right now.

I've just been

so swamped with

work.

You know, and I got the kid, and it's just like,

I don't know.

Occasionally, I will crank the thing up and I get into it, but I've just been super, super fucking busy writing, writing, and writing.

But I got to tell you something, man.

I actually really enjoy writing.

Like,

I hate the notes part and having to pull it apart.

I get frustrated with that, but that really is part of it.

And people always go, well, you know what they say?

Writing is rewriting.

I always want to be like, yeah, is that what they say?

You know?

Like, whatever the fuck you do for a living.

Can you imagine if you just fucking, if you, if you put in floors and you put in all the floors and then somebody comes in and tells you to rip up most of it, you know?

And you're like, really?

And hey, you know what flooring is?

Flooring is reflooring.

Wouldn't you want to just take the board and just fucking smash your own head in with it until you just weren't conscious so you wouldn't have to live that life anymore?

Well, that's the life of a writer.

But I actually

really found that I like doing it.

And I think just by hanging out with

all of these writers that have been doing it for so long, obviously they're way better at it than I am.

But you just kind of

start to absorb

how to write stories and shit like that, which was always my problem.

I could always write dialogue, but I just couldn't get the story from the beginning to the end.

Like, my brain just didn't work that way.

I could write scenes.

I think that's why I became a comedian because I bits like, oh, look at that.

That's a funny joke.

That's a funny little scenario.

And done.

I don't have to fucking take the ball from the one-yard line all the way to the end zone like writers have to.

You know, I was on special teams.

I was a wedgebreaker.

That was it.

That was the fucking level of artistry that I was doing there.

What am I up to here?

41 minutes.

Ah, Jesus Christ, Bill.

41 minutes of fucking mediocrity.

All right, microchipping.

Oh, God.

Don't even get me started on this.

I just cannot fucking like.

I just can't fucking believe this shit.

Do you know Delta Airlines wants to start using people's fingerprints

as a way for you to get on the fucking plane?

And do you know that most people won't have a problem with it?

They're so fucking stupid.

It's like, there's so many people out in the world.

It's almost like, you know what, dude?

Why don't you just become a fucking slave?

Like, how much are you going to give to these people?

How underpaid are politicians that they will not stand up to these people?

These corporations, I swear to God, they're sitting there wasting all this fucking time with ISIS and all this other bullshit.

These fucking corporations, the shit that they're doing to their own goddamn countrymen, which they really don't have because they're fucking global.

They don't give a shit about anything, about just trying to make more fucking money.

And

dude, they're going to start microchiping people.

This Wisconsin company to

implant microchips in employees.

And like five people already agree to it.

They're going to take something foreign that's not natural to your body and they're going to stick it underneath your fucking skin.

They're going to know where you are at all fucking times.

And all these fucking dopes, well, hey, you know, if you're not doing anything wrong, what's your fucking problem?

Here's the fucking problem.

Okay?

Just because you're a fucking dope doesn't mean the rest of the world is.

Okay?

I think it's safe to say that me and everybody else listening to this thing for the most part was not as smart as fucking George Washington.

Right?

Fair enough.

Okay.

Well, here's the deal.

If George Washington was microchipped and all his fucking buddies were microchipped, this fucking country wouldn't exist.

Because they would have known where he was they would have gone over there and they would have fucking killed him and that would have been the end of the fucking rebellion So what you're doing is you're having faith that these fucking people at the top who have not even remotely demonstrated on any fucking level at any point in history that they give a flying fuck about anybody other than themselves are gonna you're gonna turn over that level of power.

You're gonna get fingerprinted by Delta fucking airlines like you've committed some sort of a fucking crime.

A fucking airline is gonna have your fucking fingerprints.

Who in the fuck did they think they are?

Do you know when I went to buy my car, they asked for my thumbprint?

I was like, I'm not giving my fucking fingerprints to a you're a car dealership.

They go, well, this is to protect you.

No, it isn't, you douche.

You're going to sell this to somebody.

It's part of my profile.

I think they're just, they're collecting, they're all sharing information about you, what you buy, where you live, what your social security number is, your fucking fingerprints.

They're going to get it all the way down to your fucking DNA.

It's units, I don't know.

And these politicians will not push back on any level because the president makes 500 grand a year.

That's the highest paid political office, is 500 fucking grand a year.

And they need $100 million to get the job.

I don't have $100 million.

You don't have $100 million.

Corporations do.

And that's who they owe it to.

So they just look the other fucking way.

And what do they do?

They sit there and they shit on fucking comedians.

constantly going after.

Do you hear what he said about Caitlin Jenner?

And they look the other way with pharmaceutical companies handing out fucking opiates like they're giving out flyers to some sort of jam band.

And now we got this heroin fucking problem.

They don't give a fuck.

They don't say anything about it.

Sorry.

I know I'm fucking losing my shit here.

But like

what they've done to the food supply.

What the fuck they've they that what the bankers have done left all these people upside down in their own fucking houses what they've done to the water supply fracking causing earthquakes in parts of the world that never had fucking earthquakes fucking up the drinking water

you know they got to send a fucking pipeline out of the fucking Native Americans' land.

I mean, like, like we haven't done enough to those fucking people.

You know, do you hear any politicians talking about that?

Nah, nobody talks about that shit.

But God for fucking bid,

you do a fucking joke in a strip mall and they're fucking all over it.

Then that becomes like some big goddamn story.

This is fucking horrific and it makes me happy that I'm 49 years of age.

The fact that I think I'm gonna maybe get to live half a fucking century without a fucking airline having my fingerprints and me walking around with the goddamn microchip.

You know?

I love that I lived 50 years before the fucking, oh, Jesus.

She's up, huh?

I love that I got to live 50 years before robots showed up.

It's just.

It's just greed and power completely 100%

out of control.

And I hate

like, this is, I'm reading this, this is eyewitness, ABC News.

So these guys are all bought and paid for.

CNN's bought and paid for.

Fox News is bought and paid for.

They're all fucking bought and paid for because the same people I just brought up, they advertise on their fucking networks.

So they have to watch what they say.

Because they don't want to lose their ad money because that's how they get paid, right?

So they always have like the, oh geez, this is a little unsettling.

You know, when they always come back from it, when they show some fucking robot.

Have you ever seen that?

You watch like the local news?

Or they show somebody getting microchip and they always come back to the anchors and they kind of do that, oh, that's kind of

and then they just move on to the next thing.

But some fucking old lady who makes her own jam like that's supposed to make you feel better at the end of the fucking newscast.

Or some puppy that they thought was lost and fucking sniffed its way back to the station wagon three towns away, right?

Whenever the fuck they leave you on.

No, corporations are completely out of control.

They've been out of control my entire life, and now it's reaching a level that it's like you're watching a bad sci-fi movie.

I think it's fucking insane.

Why the fuck do you need my fingerprints as a fucking airline?

Who the fuck are you?

You're not the FBI.

You're not the government.

You're a fucking airline.

Your fingerprints.

And this is the thing.

People will do it.

People will fucking do all of this so they don't have to stand in a line.

They'll let them scan their fucking retina.

They'll give them a fucking baby just so they can be pre-checked.

That's all you got to do.

You just hold a little cookie out and the average fucking mouth breathing fucking moron.

But you know something?

I swear to God, I mean, this is really cynical, but you walk around and I fight.

Half the fucking people should be microchipped.

You should know where these fucking idiots are.

I'll never forget that guy galloping sideways on that Trump rally, screaming at all these stupid liberals, going, fuck political correctness, build the wall, build the wall, as he's fucking galloping, like, like that was going to make his life better.

Like, that was what was holding him back.

I swear to God.

Like,

I don't give a fuck how dumb you are.

You have to know, as a white dude, if you were born in the United States of America, okay,

you're not going to get a better starting block than that.

All right?

And if you can't figure out

some sort of game, I mean, if you're going to fucking blame anybody, why are you going to look down?

You got to go up.

That's what's fucking you over.

Democrats and Republicans.

Fucking you over.

I just don't get how people don't see that.

But I'm like most people.

I feel like my ideas are right and no one else has a good point.

Unreal.

This fucking car dealership.

Can we get you a thumbprint?

It's like, yeah, no, you guys sell cars.

Do you understand that?

You guys lie for a living.

Other salesmen

who lie for a living turn the other way.

Turn the other way when they see a car salesman.

You're like that.

You're like the bottom of the barrel fucking salesman.

I'm going to give you my fingerprint.

You know why they said they wanted my fingerprint?

They go, just in case somebody comes in and tries to

is an imposter and pretends that they're you and tries to buy a car.

And I just looked at the guy and I was like, you know what?

I'm going to take my chances on that.

And the guy literally goes, and this is what killed me.

He goes, you're the first person

we've ever have say no to that

now I hope he's just being a car salesman and he was lying to me and that was his last ditch effort to try to convince me

but the other part is he's actually telling the truth it's just like then what happens is what what this is how they do it

is most people are dopes so they don't think and then what happens is it becomes a herd mentality and all they got to do is get most of the herd to start running over the fucking cliff.

And you have to do it too.

Because if you don't, then you're just going to be fucking sitting there all by yourself.

Like, hey, I'm not going to have a cell phone.

Hey, I'm not going to have this.

I'm not going to have that.

And then your life, the way you're going to lead it, becomes extremely limited.

And next thing you know, you're fucking half-naked walking around your backyard trying to trap squirrels so you can eat that day

because you're not doing what everybody else is doing.

And

it's just,

you know what's going to be the worst is when they try to convince

when they try to convince people to do it, right?

There's going to be some politician getting it with that fucking smile on his face where he's like, I don't want to do this, but I have to do this.

I have to do this so I can go on the post-president fucking,

you know, $70 million speaking tour where I go out and I give speeches to the same fucking people that put me into office.

Like the hero of all hero presidents, Obama is about to do.

He just, he has, that motherfucker has $69 million worth of gigs on the books coming up.

You know,

I will never for the life of me understand why that guy, people look like liberals look at that guy like he fucking did something for him.

I will never get that.

It's like that guy had his face in the pig trough just like everybody else.

I mean, I don't know.

I don't know what it is.

I think it's because he's sandwiched between two of the worst public speakers of all time, Bush and fucking Trump.

You know what I mean?

I think if he came after Clinton, where Clinton wasn't the greatest, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

But he, I don't know, the women fucking loved him.

I will never get that either.

How much women love that fucking big fucking baby Huey-looking goofball.

Um, Jesus, Bill, are there any presidents that you liked?

Yeah, I didn't mind the first George Bush,

fucking war hero, and I liked uh, I liked Jimmy Carter.

Anyways, all right.

B of A outage.

Hey, banker Bill, I work for B of A, and from the customer service side, that outrage was very stressful.

If you haven't already mentioned it, slash found out, the outrage was a result of,

oh, Jesus Christ.

This guy works for the fucking bank.

He's going to tell me what happened, and he can't even spell the words right.

I don't.

you wrote half a word here, buddy.

S-E-V-E-R, a sever reboot.

Is that supposed to be a severe reboot?

Is sever a word?

I don't know.

Maybe I'm wrong.

I was told from my boss, my boss's boss, in passing, when he was leaving work, one of the tech guys managing the server ran a program to check for viruses and shit.

Okay, this guy manages your money.

Check for viruses and shit.

Oh, God, he talks like me.

And the program made...

Jesus Christ.

The program made that one particular server to shut down, causing the rest of our online products to not work.

That's a sentence by a guy who works at a bank.

The program made that one particular server to shut down.

To shut down?

The program made that one particular server shut down.

Is that what you mean?

Causing the rest of our online products to not work.

The bank had to restart all the servers to sync that tech crap up, resulting in the six-hour delay.

From the call center side, we could still see all the balances and account information.

Clients themselves just couldn't process any maintenance.

Nothing made my day more enjoyable than apologizing to client after client for our system error.

Had a few people in the situation you mentioned on Thursday.

What?

Where they stuck outside the country with no money.

Oh, had a few people in the situation you mentioned on Thursday where they are stuck outside the country.

This guy is a fucking,

this guy should have been in summer school next to me.

Totally agree you need to have backup plans when it comes to accessing your money, whether it be multiple bank accounts or stuffing some cash underneath the pillow where you rest your bald, freckled dome at night, keep doing what you're doing

and go fuck yourself.

Yeah, I've never met a banker that believes in the banking system, if you really talk to them about it.

They're nervous too.

I don't know.

Anyways,

was that supposed to make me feel better?

I mean, I guess it's good that no one hacked into your system.

You guys just kind of were running something and something got fucked up.

but he agreed with me yeah have a little money here a little money there a little money there don't have it all your eggs in one basket we all know that right because then everything's going to be on the arm with the fucking one flu of the cuckoo's nest all right much older man

okay here we go well how much time by dying oh 56 okay i'm in there i'm in there all right much older man bill burr how are you i've been listening to your podcast oh this is from a lady i love it i love when the ladies write in you guys don't do it enough um i've been listening to your podcast for a little over a year, basically since the day I discovered them, and have seen all your specials.

Hope to catch you live one of these days.

Well, thank you.

So, here it goes: I've been living for eight years and married for four of those years to a man who is 21 years older than me.

Yeah, we met

when he was 45 and I was 23,

and we have been together since.

Nia, can you do this one or no?

I can.

You can, okay.

All right.

We have a two-year-old son, and I am now 31, and he is 52.

Okay.

I know many think that when they first heard my husband,

that my husband is well old enough, is well old enough to be my father, that it's some sort of sugar daddy situation, which honestly is not the case at all.

Our lives are quite simple.

We live in a four-bedroom house.

We own two soccer mom-type vehicles.

The only expensive piece of jewelry to my name is my wedding ring, and one would not find a pair of red-bottom shoes in my closet.

But I digress.

Only, so folks don't get the wrong picture.

For the past year or so, it seems like he has aged mentally in a drastic way.

Our age difference was never an issue until the last year or so.

Oh, look who's here.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

How you doing?

You're making a lot of racket out there, aren't you?

This is called a podcast.

Anyways,

so anyways, Neil, here's the deal.

This lady

is married to this guy.

He's 21 years older.

Uh-huh.

What's going on?

Yeah, these are headphones.

She's looking at me like, what is this?

What is this?

So if you're going to keep looking at me with that cute little smile, how do I do this?

All right.

So

yeah, she was 23.

He was 45.

So I guess he's 22 years older when they met.

23 and 45.

Yeah.

And now she's 31 and he's 52.

I don't know.

Somehow he was 22 years older and now he's only 21.

Must be when their birthdays are.

But anyways, she said it wasn't a sugar daddy thing they don't really have a lot of money they're just living a basic lifestyle oh

you gotta stop smiling kid

i'm totally losing my train of thought here you're just too adorable you're too adorable for me to do this um

yeah i know that's what that's what my listeners are doing uh can you get through this please

so basically she said the only expensive piece of jewelry she has is her wedding ring She doesn't have any red-bottom shoes.

She just basically really loves the guy.

But for the past year or so, it seems like he has aged mentally in a drastic way.

Our age difference was never an issue until the last year or so.

He seems to be almost bitter that I am in my 30s and he's beginning to become beyond insecure that I will decide I want a younger man out of nowhere one day.

I'm all over the place with this, she says.

It seems like you're pretty focused.

Sorry.

Anyways,

his constant insecurity and vastly changing behavior is really causing issues in our marriage that I believe may never go away, being that our age difference is not going away anywhere.

Obviously, I was hoping for some of your wise input on my current situation, or tell me I'm a dumbass for marrying an older man,

older man than my father,

like my mother does.

Have a good one, and of course, go fuck yourself.

So, what do you think, Nia?

Yeah, he was probably too old for you

because now

that's just too much of an age of it.

He's older than your dad.

Do you have daddy issues maybe?

Well, regardless, it seems like the power dynamics have shifted.

So before you were a young, you know, impressionable thing and he was the older, wiser, more in control.

Now he's getting older.

He's becoming aware of his mortality and you're in your 30s.

You're like, you're towards your peak now now as a woman like that's when you really peak and you're actually in your 40s but you're getting there you're probably still hot you're smarter than you were before you're on top of your game where so yeah he's feeling some

type of way so i don't know if he's having a midlife crisis

yeah

i don't know if he's having a midlife crisis and you're gonna end up being collateral damage

um or or what's going on but you guys should probably have like a frank discussion about it but yeah if if he's afraid of you leaving him, he might be having some kind of a midlife crisis.

All right, let's have the frank discussion for her.

I'll be the guy.

All right.

Or you want to be the guy.

No, you be the guy.

You be the guy, because

you're an actual older guy in our relationship.

I know, but you figure that's just like two on the nose casting.

No, it's okay.

We can do it that way.

All right.

So you're the older guy, and I'm the hot, young, nubile wife.

Okay.

Well, you're going to go out.

Where are you going?

You going out?

No, I gotta be older.

I got something just done.

You're gonna go out and wear that.

Where are you going?

I'm going out with my girlfriends.

I told you that.

Did you not?

Do you not remember?

Yeah, I remember that.

Okay, well, I'll be back soon.

Where did you tell me?

I told you last night that I was going out with my girlfriends tonight.

Where are you going out wearing that?

I'm going out.

I'll bring you back something.

Bye.

Goes to have an affair with my young lover.

What do you think she should do?

Just have a talk with him.

And if he's like,

what is that noise?

That's the sound a dump truck makes when it backs up before it dumps the load out the back.

If she married the guy, she shouldn't just like completely jump ship.

But if it's like, if he's becoming unbearable and, you know, difficult to live with and he won't make any strides to work it out, then...

Why doesn't he take like those legal roids that those old guys guys that are all shredded?

You know, they jump in the pool and then they come out, and all those women who are sitting in the pool, like, look at that old guy, and then he comes out of the pool, and they're like, Oh, wait a minute.

Right.

I think I'll bang that grandpa.

Well, maybe too, because they are live like just a very like modest lifestyle, he's feeling even more insecure that he doesn't have anything to like offer.

So, even if he wanted to get out of it to like go back to a younger girl or something like younger than her, he wouldn't have anything necessarily to offer.

So, yeah, this guy's an idiot.

I wouldn't have married a girl that younger.

I remember one time before I met you, Nini.

Yes.

I was like, what was I, 35 or something?

When I was 35?

I was 25, you were 35.

All right, so I was like, whatever, 34, 35, and I met this woman, right?

She was like 22,

21, 22.

And she said, the first night we hung out, she goes, where is this going?

I remember you told me this story.

Yeah, and I said, where's it going?

I go, nowhere.

I go, but when you're 30, I'm going to be like 106.

Yeah.

So this isn't going anywhere.

So

I won't say what I said next, but it worked out well.

All right.

That's the

pocket.

This is her new thing.

She just grabs.

You got such a grip.

That's my forearm here that you're just grabbing a whole handful of.

All right.

I want to hang out with her before I have to go to work, so I got to get off the thing here.

Yeah, you're just fascinated with anything that's technology.

There's no screen on it, so that's boring, right?

It's got a light on it.

That's got a light on it.

Oh,

it's got a light on it, doesn't it?

Yeah.

I always think you can't get any cuter, and then you get cuter.

Huh?

All right.

Okay, cool.

Hang on a second.

I'll hang out with you in a minute.

All right, that's the podcast.

My daughter's here.

Go F yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday there.

day passes as the night closes in.

The red light goes on to say it's time to begin.

I see the men and round the corner, waiting

getting

sing.

I close my eyes and wait to hear the sound that someone's bringing here.

No more tears here,

no more tears here,

no more tears here,

no more tears here.

It's just a sign of the time

going forward in reverse.

Still, being who has your earth

is just a hand in the bush.

So now that it's over, can we just say goodbye?

I'd like to move on and make the most of the night.

Maybe me a kiss before I leave you this way?

Your lips are so cold, I don't know what else to say.

I never

wanted it to end this way.

My love, my darling,

believe me when I say to you.

In love, I think I'm falling here.

With no more tears today,

no more tears,

no more tears today,

no more tears to

me.

It's just a hand in the bus, and in the boss, and in the bus, and in the bus, and in the bus, and in the bus, and in the bus, and in the bus, and in the bush, in the bush, in the bush, in the bush.

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