MotoGP, NBA, Aviation 'Experts' | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-26-25

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Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

And I'm just checking in, Checking in on you.

Yeah.

Hey, sorry, this podcast is going to be a little quiet.

I got the kiddos in the other room

up a little early today.

You know,

I'm going to try to enjoy my last three days on Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross.

I can't believe

it's coming to an end.

Unreal.

Unreal.

I'm going to miss everybody I worked with, but it is time.

It's time for old Freckles to get back to doing his stand-up stuff,

which I will be doing.

I have a gig in London, and then I have a gig in Abu Dhabi.

And then when I say Abu, you say Dabi, Abu.

And then I have a gig in Milan, Italy.

And then I don't have Jack Squad after that.

I will be doing a

getting ready to go back out on tour show in LA.

That will be announced soon.

If it hasn't already, I'm just not sure.

I don't know how these things work.

For some reason, you can't say what it is that you're doing.

Everybody gets all fucking weirded out because

everybody has to announce it at the same time.

So

we get in the zeitgeist,

however, it works, whatever.

It's promotion.

So, anyway,

all right.

This is this is that time of year where if you're not into motorsports, you know, like Moto GP, which I don't know, everybody's freaking out.

Moto GP just got signed or just got purchased

by

Liberty something or other group.

I don't know what it was.

It's an American corporation.

So all these Moto GP fans were all fucking upset.

There goes the fucking sport.

There's going to be like five races in the United States of America.

Well, what the fuck is wrong with that?

I live here.

I like this sport.

I don't think that that's, I mean, listen,

these people, whatever,

they own Formula One, right?

Does Formula One suck now?

I have no idea.

I don't know.

I think there's just a general dislike

of Americans right now.

And God knows we've earned it.

It's not us.

It's not, you know, I like to think it's not me.

I don't dictate the foreign policy.

And I also don't fucking, I don't know,

who knows?

It probably is me.

Anyway,

so yeah, so I guess there'll be more races in America.

But here's the thing: every

American sport is trying on some level to go global.

You know, NFL, Europe, like they all want to be like

the World Cup,

that type of money.

They want that kind of money.

And the only American sport, or at least organization, that's been able to do it is the UFC.

Or maybe boxing.

You know, back in the day, Muhammad Ali would fight all around the world and everything would sell out.

So I guess the fight game has always been able to do that.

And I remember Rogan saying one time

that

even if you're not into fighting, if you were driving down the street and if you saw two people fighting, you would stop to watch it.

You'd slow down to watch it.

You know what I mean?

Where I don't think if you saw some people playing like pickup hoop, you either were into it or if you're not into it, you're not going to watch.

But there's something compelling about two people beating the fuck out of each other, so it translates

around the fucking world.

So, as does,

I guess, motorsports.

I don't know.

They've always made fun of our tracks in America.

No matter what track we have, it's always not as good as theirs.

It's always so, oh, there's, you know, our shit is so fucking vulgar and American and blah, blah, blah.

They're such cunts.

You know what I mean?

It's like, we're a different country.

We have a different landscape.

We have a lot of of land.

There's going to be a lot more straightaways.

And I remember they said that fucking, that Las Vegas F1 was going to suck.

And I went there and had the most lead changes of any race that year.

So I don't know what they're whining about.

This all goes back to like top gear in England when those fucking old cunts, anytime there's any sort of American car on it, English people.

If you can believe it, shit on the design of a fucking car.

England has never been able to make a fucking car that can get over 40,000 fucking miles without overheating.

Everything that they make sucks.

Everything,

everything that they have made when it comes to vehicles has sucked, has been unreliable.

Every single brand, what do they got?

What do they got over there?

They got Jaguar.

They got fucking Rolls-Royce.

Is Bentley their thing?

All of them, all of them.

Super high-priced, super high-fucking maintenance.

And then they go around and fucking shit on our cars.

You know what I mean?

Not saying our cars are fucking great, but like, they got a lot of nerve.

You know, what are you going to do next?

Say we're ugly?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Anyway.

So

I'm a couple races behind

with Moto GP.

I plan on getting caught up this week.

I've just been doing a lot of shit here.

Well, now that my wife and kids are in town, and

just having like the best time with them.

My kids are so goddamn funny.

And

yeah, we've just been trying to enjoy New York.

It's been hot as hell here.

Once again, another major political issue for some reason they don't talk about and they just create debates like, are we contributing to it?

I don't, the scientists I paid for, it's just like, what is their fucking endgame?

I don't understand these people, but I'm telling you, that shit I was talking about the other day, where if you look up that personality, the dark triad, I'm telling you, that is the personality trait that

thrives

in corporate America.

in the industrial military complex, in politics.

Like at some point, you know, we sit there and go, where are all the decent

whatever?

Where's a CEO with empathy?

Where's a decent, you know, honest politician?

They get weeded out.

By the time you get past a certain level in business, politics,

military, anything, I just feel

like

it just gets to the point where you're like, if you're a decent person, you're like, wait a minute,

what are we doing here?

We're going to do what?

I don't want to be involved in that.

That's not right.

And all the decent people fall off to the side.

And then all the reptile people who don't give a fuck.

And the only way they feel feelings is to amass more money and power carry on.

That's just my theory.

I don't know.

So,

anyway.

Plowing ahead here,

I saw this thing on the NBA draft, which really interests me.

So, of course, we all know the NBA is fucking fixed.

We all know that that Luca Donchich, whatever his fucking name is, was not making the NBA enough money in Dallas.

So, Dallas agrees to trade him to wear their media capital, their fucking Sweet 16 fucking princess, who, God forbid, they suck for a couple of years.

Just ship all your free agents to fucking the Los Angeles Lakers, right?

So, they ship him out there.

He looked terrible in the uniform.

Not gonna lie to you.

It's just the whole thing.

I don't know if it's working or whatever, but they do that and they traded him for nothing.

For nothing.

And then what happens?

The NBA lottery comes along and who wins it?

Can you believe it?

It's the Dallas Mavericks.

Wow.

What a fucking chain of events.

I'll tell you, a lot of coincidence there.

Nothing to see, though.

So anyway,

they're going to get the number one draft pick in the NBA

draft, right?

Unless they trade it away.

So the projected number one player is a white dude named Cooper Flagg,

not a Duke, right?

Extra white.

If you're white, you're white, but you go to Duke, you become extra white, right?

So he's going to be, looks, it's projected to be the number one

first player picked in the 2025 NBA draft, which made me think, who was the, what was the last time a white guy went number one overall in the NBA draft?

Now, I did a quick search, so I might be wrong in this, but as far as my search, it was a man named Kent Benson in 1977, 48 years.

It's been 48 years since Whitey,

that white guy, went number one.

We're coming back, man.

It's going to be like the 60s again.

Dude, 1977, like 1977, the Knicks hadn't won in only four years.

Like, they could still walk around talking shit, like, legitimately.

That's how long ago it was.

So Kent Benson was drafted number one

by the Milwaukee Bucks.

And ironically enough, two minutes into his first game as a

professional, Benson elbowed former Milwaukee Buck, Los Angeles Lakers center Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in the abdomen.

And, you know, Kareem, he didn't fuck around.

Kareem gave Benson a concussion with the retaliatory punch.

Kareem was out for like a month, so they didn't bother suspending him.

It's a different time.

And Benson was out for like a game for the concussion.

Shake it off.

And he came back.

It says Benson never lived up to the potential of a number one NBA draft pick.

Twice in his career, he was traded for a future Hall of Fame player.

So,

with that, 48 years goes by, and here comes Cooper Flag.

My buddy Paul Versey told me that

he did some sort of something, an Olympic thing, against the pros.

And he was,

you know, I guess destroying everybody or was very impressive.

And what I said, my response to Paul, let me get to the text.

I said the Olympics is not the NBA.

Until he goes up against Draymond Green, Dylan Brooks, and leg breakers like that and survives.

I said, I think they're going to beat him up like that white girl in the WNBA.

No, I'm kidding.

I'm rooting for him.

So, anyway, like the big story is not that a white guy is going number one.

The big story is that the Dallas Mavericks get the number one pick.

Does the NBA even try to hide how manipulated that fucking league is?

It's really, uh

it's really ridiculous.

I mean, it was always ridiculous and pretty obvious what the hell they were doing with their business plan and them just fucking blowing the fucking Los Angeles Lakers, blowing them.

Like the level of free agents.

Remember that guy, that fucking,

the fuck's his name there?

David Stern, when they asked him, what's your dream NBA finals?

And he got like wistful.

He was like, oh, the Lakers versus the Lakers.

You know, everybody talks about that Donaghy series, the Sacramento one and the Lakers.

No one talks about the when the Celtics beat the Lakers in 2008, and then we came back in 2009, and they had them beat again.

And they just called like 9,000

fouls on us and let the Lakers win it from the foul line.

And I remember Kobe Bryant, rest his soul, at the end of the game, he goes, I don't know how we won that game.

Yeah, you do.

Yeah, you do.

There should be an officials jersey with 2009 written on it hanging at the fucking Staples Center.

They were setting up the rubber game.

They rebooted.

The whole thing was bullshit.

We were in last place, and then they gave us Ray Allen and fucking,

what's his face?

From the Timberwolves, Kevin Garnett, for nothing.

Just to get us, you know, juice us back up again.

And then they rebooted the Lakers.

I think this was all a business plan.

They rebooted the Celtics, Lakers.

We had back-to-back.

And then, you know, we were going to win two in a row.

They're like, well, we can't have that.

They got to go like fucking one-in-one.

And then we'll let them play the next year.

But then what happened?

LeBron goes to fucking Miami.

with Chris Bosch, and then that whole fucking thing gets going.

And that story was bigger.

And then they just abandoned it.

And then that was the end of us and the lakers you know

until lebron goes to la

it's like everybody has to end up in la like i remember a long time ago like a big thing as a comedian was like hosting the mtv music awards or like

you know i don't know the oscars i'm trying to think there was something you had to like like do the tonight show like you have to do it i feel like as like a fucking NBA player, at some point, you have to go to the Lakers and pile on and try to win a championship.

Like, most superstars end up doing that.

Anyways, it's a strange league.

So, yeah, anyway, getting back to the motorcycle shit.

I'm like,

I'm two races behind, but I plan on getting caught up.

Yeah, and I also plan on enjoying these last four shows.

We had two yesterday, and

I'm really proud of everybody that I'm working with because everybody is still on a very high level,

you know, killing it with this play.

And,

you know, I didn't anticipate how difficult the last week would be to maintain your focus

because you're counting down shows, which is always dangerous.

But I don't know.

I always just find the fear of bombing and doing a bad job,

no matter how much I'm sitting there going, oh God, I don't feel funny tonight, or I don't, you know, want to go out here.

Like, this is for like stand-up thoughts I have in stand-up.

Um,

that fear of going out there and just feeling people being like,

All right, well, you know,

you went out there and you said the things you were supposed to say,

you get uh, you get paid for that,

Just the fear of somebody having that reaction

is enough to get me going every night.

And,

you know, we go out, we sign the playbills every night, and somebody,

this older woman, said to me, it's one of the best compliments the cast has gotten, saying she's seen every version of this play.

And she said,

the way you guys are doing this, it's a whole brand new play.

And

I understand the play now better than I ever did

and when she said that I was like I gotta memorize that because I have to tell this to everybody in the cast

so

anyways it's been hot as bulls

the last three days I think today it's supposed to finally

finally

let up a little bit.

I don't know.

And the place we're staying, the fucking AC is,

I don't know, it was kind of run in half, you know,

staying in this hotel.

And

someone was bitching, going like, you know, it was like 100 degrees, 90 degrees out, or whatever, and they fucking AC.

And the hotel bus breaks.

And they're all, of all the fucking days for it to fucking break.

It's like, it always breaks on the hottest day because everybody cranks the fucking AC at like 60 degrees and it gets overwhelmed.

You know?

Just be thankful you don't have to be the poor bastard that has to go up on the roof today and fucking put some freon in there or fix the compressor, whatever it is, going up there, you know, burning your goddamn knee through your pants

on that rooftop.

I don't know.

Oh, Billy, perspective.

That's what I've been trying to do lately.

You know what I mean?

Trying to be in a non-empathetic, very non-empathetic time.

You know, I saw all of this shit about

Trump's ex-wives and stuff, and they were all immigrants and the way that they came here.

None of them came here the right way and all of that shit.

It's just like, it's just the funniest shit ever.

Did you see he dropped the drops the F-bomb?

It's like, what has happened to this country?

He drops the F-bomb and like, it's nothing.

Nothing.

when I was growing up if you can believe and I grew up in the crack 80s it was not a good time

you know a lot of people my people thought it was a good time but for most people it wasn't

if you dropped the F-bomb as a president back in the day it's like you know you disgraced the office

I did think it was funny that he kind of had like that temper tantrum and saying they've been fighting a long time and Iran and Israel don't know what the fuck they're doing.

Yeah.

I mean, if a narcissist isn't in your life, they're wildly entertaining.

It's like, oh yeah, you think you know more about the Middle East than they do?

They just fucking live there.

Anyway.

I think what happened was he told them to knock it off and then they told him to

mind his own business.

And then he had a temper tantrum out on the lawn

before he took the fucking presidential helicopter to land on top of a McDonald's.

I still maintain

the only time I ever saw like a glimpse into what he should have been or like the passion that he has for life

is when he got behind the counter at McDonald's.

I mean, I've just never seen, I never seen him just that excited.

He lit up.

He wins a fucking presidential election.

He has a fucking scowl on his face, like he just got outbid at a fucking,

what was that?

Storage wars.

He just looks like, you know,

somebody outbid him on one of those fucking bins or something.

It's like, dude, you just won the election.

He just stands there.

Upset.

I think it's a power move.

Narcissists like doing that.

They like acting like they're upset.

And,

you know, I'm telling you, if you want a crash course on it, I have to go back to that Ocean Gate thing again, that documentary on Netflix about the fucking submersible and that fucking guy.

And you watch him.

He's surrounded by experts and he will not listen to them because he is the expert.

He's beyond an expert.

He is a god.

And he does this shit.

If you say stuff that he doesn't like, he stops talking to you.

You know, and what's funny is a fully developed, emotionally functioning human being doesn't know how to react unless they've interacted with the narcissist.

So then they start thinking, what, oh my God,

am I doing something wrong?

I got to get back in this guy's favor.

It's like, no, dude, you need to stay the course.

Okay, the submersible is not safe and he should not be testing it out with human beings beings inside.

And then he ends up freezing them all out and getting rid of them.

I don't need a third-party inspection.

Unbelievable.

I knew somebody, right?

Because I've gotten them all out of my life because I had a lot in my life because growing up with it, then you gravitate towards it.

I knew this guy, right?

He had a pilot's license and he had not flown in like 30 fucking years.

And he just, you know, he had like, I don't even know how many hours he had.

It sounded like he flew a little bit and then he got married and his wife said, stop.

So he probably, maybe, depending on the money he had to fly, how expensive it was back then, we'll say he had 200 hours.

All right.

All he had was his, his,

you know,

private pilot.

He didn't have a commercial.

He didn't have instrument, didn't have any of that shit.

So

I remember talking to him.

There was some sort of commercial airliner incident where they lost an engine or something.

And he was talking all of this shit.

And I just sort of clocked it and I realized, like, oh, this guy is a full-on.

Just the way he was, the arrogance of what he was talking about and how he knew exactly what was happening.

That's always like a big red flag.

Like whenever there's some sort of

aviation accident, that person who just automatically tells you he knows exactly what happened or she knows, right?

This is what this person was doing.

So then I was just having fun with them and I was going, like, oh, yeah.

Do you think, of some reason, if that engine failure happened,

you know, and something happened to the pilots and they were incapacitated, do you think that you could land that plane?

And dude, it was like a 720, one of those fucking giant planes, right?

A big Southwest plane.

And he just goes, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I get it on the ground.

I get it on the ground.

It's like, yeah.

Anybody in the back would get it on the ground.

It's how you get it on the ground.

Gravity's going to get it on the ground.

You don't need to handle that.

Can you get it on the ground?

The fact

that he just flew Cessnas and thought that he could just fucking land a jumbo jet 30 years later without flying.

And I'm telling you, if he took a lie detector test, he wouldn't be lying.

He truly believed that he could do it.

That he was going to land

a 747 that was missing an engine, whatever the fuck was going on with this thing.

I forget the exact incident.

He had no, he didn't know what the topography was, where they were landing, what the nearest airport was,

how to work the radios or whatever you would need to do.

He wasn't rated to fly anything beyond a

little cessna

oh don't yeah no don't no no no don't you

don't don't you

i get it on the ground

it's my favorite thing ever i get it on the ground oh i'm sure you would buddy i'm sure you would in a million fucking pieces um

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All right.

And with that, I'm going to wrap up the podcast here.

I have...

I got to go clean out my dressing room.

Fortunately, I didn't put a lot of shit in there.

I'm going to knock that out tonight.

And then I don't have to worry about anything come Saturday.

So one show tonight, one Friday, and then two on Saturday.

And that's all she wrote.

I'm just going to keep thanking everybody involved for

giving me the opportunity to do this.

It's been a hell of an experience.

I will never forget it.

And, you know, I was talking to a couple cast members yesterday, just being like, dude, how cool is this?

We got to do Glenn.

We're part of it now.

We got to do it.

Not only got to be on Broadway, we got to be in Glen Gary, Glenn Ross, one of the great American plays.

And when they talk about it now and they make a list of the casts and everything, our names are going to be there.

It's really cool.

And

I don't know.

I'm just thankful for everyone that gave me the opportunity, everybody I worked with, and of course, everyone that showed up.

We've had amazing crowds right on through.

Even this week, too, with the heat wave.

You know, that usually takes a lot out of a crowd, but they were still fucking great.

So thank you to everyone that has come out.

And that's it.

Other than that, I'm just...

Trying to continue on on my way here.

Not listening to all of this shit on the news, making them me hate people.

I'm not going to hate Iranian people or Iraqi people, Israeli people, Palestinian people, Mexican, Chinese.

I'm nope, nope.

I don't like billionaires that pay politicians and judge, judges, and

CEOs.

I don't like those people.

Those are the people I don't like.

Regardless of race or sex, those lizard people.

Keep your eye on the ball people.

Don't let them hate you, make you hate your fellow man.

That's it.

That's my message.

All right.

Have a great weekend, your cunts, and I'll check in on you

on Monday.

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 26th, 2017.

What's going on?

How

you doing?

How are you

doing this fucking Monday morning?

Is global warming making your office hot?

Climate change.

Let's give it a nicer name.

So

what are we?

We're going to you was a euphemism?

Huh?

Photosynthesis?

Jesus Christ, the photosynthesis, fucking police.

There's nothing people enjoy more on the internet other than jerking off the people sold into the sex industry.

What are they called?

Human trafficking is fucking

correcting somebody.

Jesus fucking Christ.

The amount of gold I give you, I have God for fucking bid.

A pasty fucking dope like me makes a mistake every once, every fucking five minutes on a podcast.

All of you fucking cunts.

cannot wait to go on the internet

and just read me the riot act act like like you're up for some sort of fucking award in in in in the science industry

you know whatever the fuck they call it

the science circuit that's what they always call uh

radio guys say that you out there you're working the circuit

you mean doing the road i didn't realize there was a circuit um

Everybody fucking coming at me.

Photosynthesis.

I think you meant pollination laughing my ass off.

You know, Jesus fucking Christ.

Let me leave it, let me look it up right now.

Pollination.

Pollination.

Why hasn't there ever been a ball player named that?

Pollination is the process by which pollen is transferred to the female reproductive organs of a plant, thereby enabling fertilization to take place.

Like all living organisms, seed plants have a

single major goal to pass their genetic information on to.

All right, well, how the fuck does it get there?

Oh, that's pollination.

Oh, I said, Oh, I said photosynthesis.

All right, so that's what I thought photosynthesis was.

Okay, here we go.

Photosynthesis.

That doesn't have a good ring.

Pollination.

Photosynthesis.

That's how you'd have to bring them up.

Now, Banning, number 22.

Photosynthesis.

That's more like the MMA.

Fighting out of the red corner.

I guess what he would just read the definition.

Fighting out of the red corner.

The process by which green plants and some other organisms use sunlight to synthesize their foods.

Here's the rating.

From carbon dioxide to wall and water.

The process by which green plants and some other organisms use sunlight to synthesize foods from

carbon dioxide and water.

What does synthesize mean?

See, this is what happens.

Are they using auto-tune?

Synthesize.

Photosynthesize.

You know what I meant.

All right.

Synthesis.

Synthesize.

All right.

The combination of ideas to form a theory or system.

Well, that doesn't sound like the definition they were looking for.

Synthesis.

Synthesis.

Synthesis.

Oh, come on, you fucking cunt.

Plural synthesis, the formation of a chemical compound through the combination of a simple compound of elements.

See, most of you guys that knew that I used the wrong word, you couldn't fucking tell me what all this shit meant.

You know, unless you own a lab coat, right?

Photosynthesis, the process by which green plants and some other organism use...

use sunlight to synthesize foods from carbon dioxide and water.

Like digest them, turn them into something edible.

There's some cunt right now.

Yeah, dad,

fuck it.

Shut up.

All right there, you fucking beaker reading cunt.

Fuck you and your black frame glasses.

All right?

At least I own my work, unlike you in the science industry.

Who owns your shit and what do they use it for?

You're out there trying to feed plants using sunlight, right?

And all of a sudden they come up with a new way to send our magic mics.

That's what I'm starting to call our missiles.

Magic mics.

That's what we have in this country.

We got the top of the line fucking missiles, you know, like the Mercedes and the Ferraris in F1.

Top of the line.

We got the magic mics.

We shoot them into a city.

They only kill the bad people.

Right?

And all these terrorist groups, they like the fucking

the, who's the guys in the orange cars this year?

Their fucking cars blow up every goddamn fucking race.

One of their goddamn drivers goes, you you know what you guys i'm taking a race off i'm gonna go drive the indie 500 he left formula one to drive a fucking indie five an indie car race in america

the mclaren hondas they're like the terrorist group you know what i mean you don't know what the fuck's gonna happen but we got the magic mics

magic mics photosynthesis um

Pollination, whatever.

You guys got me.

I'm the fucking, what's that guy, Yachty?

The guy Yachty who said, blow me like a cello or whatever.

I don't think I've ever related to a rapper more in that moment.

You know, as white as I am, that's what it took.

You know, not talking about this or talking about that.

It's the fact that that poor bastard thought a cello was a win instrument.

I was like, you know what?

This sounds like the kind of person that I went to summer school with.

And you know what?

I bet he has other talents.

Other than being able to memorize.

All you fucking cunts out there where they were able to memorize what photosynthesis was versus pollination.

Can I ask you a question seriously, in all seriousness?

Where did it get you?

Huh?

Other than getting to be some cunt at a cocktail party, you know, what are you, a socialite?

You can talk photosynthesis and fashion.

You know, by the way, thank you for correcting me.

I don't know how it's going to affect my life, but there was just something about the joy that people took

in correcting me that I took umbrage with.

Did I use that correctly or is that the wrong you word you know what you know what i like about twitter is i don't even have to read anymore i'll just say that i think is right you guys can correct me all right i'll learn things you guys can feel better about yourselves you know i think i think it's a uh it's a little fucking

what do they call it a little surf and turf a little scratch my back i scratch your back

i don't know what you see but beyonce's sister She's got a gig at the fucking Hollywood Bowl.

That's pretty.

What a fucking talented family.

You know what I mean?

That's how talented that family is.

Like, she can't even get anybody to look at her at the Thanksgiving table because her fucking older sister sold out the rose bowl.

You know what I mean?

She's like the fuck up of the family because she only sold out the Hollywood Bowl.

Honey, honey, honey, quiet down, quiet down.

Your sister is talking about what it was like to be singing Bootylicious as the stealth bomber flew over the stage.

Okay?

Was that wrong to do that?

Speaking of pollination, will this get the beehive after me?

You know, it's funny about all of those fucking groups.

They're so up the ass of the artist.

I swear to God, she would fucking, she wouldn't take her goddamn shoes off to run across the street and make a fucking emergency call on one of those old telephones back in the day.

Let's just say there wasn't cell phones.

If she saw one of you guys sitting on the side of the road, she wouldn't give a shit about you.

What's another one?

Who's another one that's got a big following?

You know, what is it?

It's the beehive.

Doesn't Mariah Carey have one?

You know what I mean?

I don't know what it is.

It's just, I don't know what.

There's something about

acting like a complete asshole and treating people like shit that just women can't get enough.

A certain type of woman, they can't get enough of it.

What is it?

Why, you know, something, I've always wondered if more women were like Ronda Rousey, or the current champion that I don't know the name of, my apologies.

If more of them took like MMA and could actually beat the fuck out of you, would they just not walk around being mean to each other as much?

You know, I think that's the only reason why guys aren't as mean as women are.

Personally speaking, anyways, because I know that 90% of guys can beat the shit out of me, right?

At the very least, land a couple to my, you know, and I fucking bruise like the Irishman I am.

You know, stop the fight, you know, two punches in.

I don't need that shit.

So I try to basically, you know,

mind my P's and Q's.

What does that stand for, huh?

You fucking brainy ex.

What does that stand for?

Let me find out.

You know, and I have to fact check everything so I don't get fucking

I get people up my ass again.

Minding

your P's and Qs.

Minding your P's and Q's.

P

and Q

origin.

Or is it, yeah, it's P's and Q's, not P and Q.

Mind your P's and Q's, you fucking cunt.

How do you not say that without your fucking cunt?

What does mind your P's and Q's come from?

This is going to be a very special educational podcast.

It's just going to be me.

All right.

Okay, if you've ever been told to mind your P's and Q's, it might have struck you as a rather odd thing to do.

That's a nice way of saying it was annoying.

I think anytime somebody says, hey, mind your P's and Q's, my immediate thought was, who the fuck is this guy?

Telling me to mind these things.

I almost did some 80s comedy.

Telling me to mind these things.

The concept seems reasonable enough.

Behaving well, not giving offense,

but quite what the letters P and Q have to do with this is a little more mysterious.

Why not B and D?

Oh, Jesus, here's something.

Why not B and D?

Or M.

Can you just fucking get a whole entry?

All right.

Yeah, there's a whole fucking, this guy's just, you know what something funny about these fucking assholes who write for a living?

They just can't get to it.

They feel if they don't take up a whole fucking page.

Or Bill, maybe there's people out there that enjoy reading.

Maybe it's that.

Okay, you know what?

I'll take the ride.

Why not BND?

Or MM, MNN, or any other combination.

Sadly, as often is the case with the more intriguing terms in the English language.

There is no definitive answer to the, oh, well, what the fuck?

No one knows what it means.

This last meeting, we're like directed to the

mean queen and not queen.

What?

The best possible manners?

Mind your dancing?

I don't know.

The Oxford Dictionary doesn't even know the answer.

You know what's funny?

They don't even have the fucking answer yet.

They still couldn't.

They couldn't keep their mouths shut, could they?

I bet somebody else has one.

Somebody at this point, it's the internet.

Somebody's going to take a guess.

All right, what does it mean?

Ever been told to mind your P's and Q?

Yes, yes, that's why I'm here.

Unless you're working a mechanical printing press at the time, chances are you are fairly, subtly being told to mind your manners.

But what exactly are your P's and Q's?

The short answer is no one really knows.

Why isn't that

why isn't that right there?

Mind your P's and Q's.

What does it mean?

And then boom, nobody knows.

What kind of a fucking ass, you ever been told to mind your P's and Q's?

Well, like you were in a printing press.

Fucking two paragraphs.

You know what it is?

Because this is delving into the world of people that like to know shit.

So even when they don't know shit, they still have to fucking

write three paragraphs on it.

All right, fuck all of this.

Fuck all that.

That was just frustrating.

Anyways, and I am actually, you know, before I looked up those things, before I remembered that you guys corrected me, you know, maybe you guys weren't being assholes.

Maybe you're just trying to help me out, you know, so next time I'm hanging around a socialite,

you know.

A socialite, as far as I can tell, is just a well-read gold-digging whore.

You know?

Like, how did you get there?

You got to be married to somebody rich.

If you're just pleasant to be around, you don't really have a fucking job.

I mean, somebody's got to be bringing home the bacon, right?

Bringing home the bacon.

Where did that come from?

You know, I mean,

unless you're a farmer, I don't know,

unless you work in a unless you're a butcher.

20 fucking paragrets later.

Point is, nobody really knows.

Anyways, I'm actually relieved, believe it or not, because I did the Big Poppy roast

on, what was it, Thursday night?

And thank Christ, it went about as great as it could have gone.

I'm not a big fan of doing roasts.

You know what the last roast I did was?

I did the Patrice O'Neal roast like 15 years ago or something, whenever the hell that was.

That was the last time.

Because I never understood doing one unless you were friends with the person, right?

But what I always like is I always see guys like Lenny Clark

and Den, and

Dennis Leary.

You know, they're always hanging out at Red Sox games, getting up in the broadcast booth.

And I'm like, I would love to fucking do some shit like that.

I need to do more Boston hometown shit.

So this thing came up, and I'm like, ugh, why did it have to be a roast?

And Nia chimed in.

She's like, you should do it.

So I said, yes, I'll do it.

Then I had no time to fucking write because I was dealing with a bunch of other shit.

And all of a sudden, it was a few days away.

And

I dealt with that race, that race, that roast, the way this country dealt with Y2K.

you know

where we waited until the last second then we were like oh my god what are we gonna do like we treated it like a fucking giant turn paper that's what I did

and it was a race

to Thursday what I was trying to say a race to the finish line a race against time

and I actually figured out how my brain works when it comes to those fucking things.

It's the same way it works for stand-up.

But for some reason, you think like a roast, I have to sit down and write jokes.

That's not what I needed to do.

I needed to put my daughter.

Is that my daughter in there?

I had to put my daughter in the stroller and walk around the block.

And then I had to,

I smoked a cigar

by myself on the back porch, and I just kept thinking of

shit.

And I would just videotape myself saying it.

And then I had all these videos.

And I forget if I told you this, guys, you guys this, on

Thursday, but I just watched the videos and I just spliced together every good one,

just transcribed them, and then I had the block of everybody, right?

I had Poppy, Gronk, Pedroa,

Josh Wolfe, Lenny Clack, Sarah Tiana, Anthony Mackey.

I had everybody

that was on the fucking thing, and I just would put them underneath

you know each name.

And then I just then made made a new document, and I just took the best of the best, slid them over.

Then I put them in the best possible order.

Then I went in order of person, and then I smoothed it out.

And

it all worked, thank fucking Christ.

The only way to make fun of David Ortiz was just to make fun of how he looked and the fact that he was a DH.

That's all I had.

And I made fun of the Dominican Republic a little bit.

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Um

and that was it.

That was it.

So I don't know if this video I know Gronk fucking killed

Pedroia killed.

He told this fucking hilarious story about Poppy not knowing his first name was Dustin.

Somebody said to him, like,

Poppy was in the batter's box.

Not the batter's box.

He was on like the on-deck circle.

And Pedroa was stepped out of the batter's box.

The umpire called timeout or something.

And the catcher just said hello to D.

Said, hey, what's up, Dustin?

And when.

Dustin walked over to Poppy to talk to him.

Poppy said, he goes, what the fuck did that guy just say to you?

The fuck did that guy just call you?

He said, What's up, Dustin?

And Poppy was like, What the fuck does that mean?

He goes, Uh, that's my first, it's my first name.

Poppy was like, Really?

Oh, yeah, like he didn't even know.

He thought his name was Pee-Wee.

So, Pedro is like, Dude, it's my first name.

They introduce me every time I go up to bat.

I've been going up to bat like 10,000 times.

I bat in front of you.

Every time I come to the plate, they say, Now now batting number 15, Dustin Pedroia.

And it just, it never clicked with them.

There's another guy I would have gone to summer school with.

Pedroa got it.

Like, I think Pedroa got it the worst.

He was hilarious.

He just kept sitting there like, dude, what the fuck?

You know, it was just, I think he got, you know, speaking of 11,000, there was like 11,000 short jokes for him.

So there, there is clips of it up on the internet.

It wasn't the greatest

organized thing.

It was the first time they did it and they didn't know how how to do a roast and you can't have people filming at it because

a roast is so over the top and that's how people get in trouble and they you know they take shit out of context and blah blah blah blah blah it's completely fucking over the top so uh

you know i don't know why i don't know why they let people film i don't know why things happen why do things happen like that but anyways I had to go on dead last and everybody fucking killed.

Lenny went up first, killed.

Adam Ray Ray went up, dressed as a Yankee fan named Tony, and just told everybody in the crowd to suck his dick and kept trashing

Big Poppy and then bragging about the Yankees' 27 championships, and the crowd loved it.

While they were booing him, they were also loving it.

He was fucking hilarious.

Anthony Mackey killed.

Sarah Tiana fucking destroyed.

Probably had my favorite joke in the night.

And then

fucking

Gronk went up, killed, then Pedroia,

and then I had to go up last.

And it's one of those things, as you sit there, you know,

you're kind of losing angles as you go.

So I tried to do,

I tried to just go like a unique way.

So with Gronk, I knew everybody was going to say he was stupid.

So I was like, all right, I'm going to say he's smart.

I'm going to go that way with it.

By the way.

By the way,

he actually was commenting on how he hates going to concerts and how everybody sits there fucking looking at the concert through their phone.

You know what I mean?

How fucking stupid that is.

I love everybody thinks that that guy's dumb.

You know, like you can make it to the NFL, memorize the playbook, and all of that, all that fucking shit you got to learn, and then go out on the field against the top athletes on the planet and make split-second decisions and reactions to how they're reacting to you.

And people feel that you can actually get there and just be this big dumb guy.

I I knew he wasn't going to be dumb when I met him, and he wasn't.

So that was a, that made the shit that I was going to say about him even better.

I mean, I did one dumb joke about him being dumb, but I had to get through it.

I had to do like fucking 10, 12 minutes.

So, anyways,

it went great.

And my favorite part about it was

Papa yelled, fuck you at me at least three or four times.

And I just kept going, fuck you too, man.

It's a roast.

You wanted to get roasted?

Here we go.

And

he was such a fucking great guy.

The guy really

is a rock star, man.

His whole vibe is a fucking rock star.

So when I finished, he got up off the chair and came over and gave me a big fucking hug

and thanked me for doing it.

Just really like one of the great fucking people I've ever gotten to do something like that for.

So what was funny is I had just as much, I think I had more jokes about Lenny Clark than I did about Poppy just because I knew him, which is why I I always feel like if you're gonna do a roast, you should know the person.

And

what's hilarious is Lenny has been clean and sober for like a quarter of a century.

And all of my jokes were about him just being a fucking, you know,

complete maniac.

I talked to him basically like he wasn't sober, like he hadn't been sober for, and he was, you know, the best guy about

great sport about it.

So anyways, long story short,

I got through it.

I told you, once I got through that gig, the whole rest of my year, fucking nothing.

Easy, easy, easy, easy, peasy.

Everything's in my wheelhouse.

It's the weirdest fucking year for me.

All the crazy shit I had to do this month.

Oh, this year was all in this month.

All of this stuff of just,

I haven't thought,

I haven't sat worried thinking, how the fuck is this going to go this many times in one month since back when I first started out doing stand-up, which basically every show I was going up thinking, like,

oh fuck, commit to your shit, get that first laugh, ride the wave, don't go over,

say goodnight, get the fuck out of there, you know?

So that's it.

And I'm ready to go to the summer.

The next night we all went to the game, got to see the retirement ceremony, and it was great, man.

Jim Rice was there, Karja Stremsky,

Veritech, Pedro, Martinez,

Pedroa came out, and I got to see the whole thing, man.

They took the,

you know, uncovered it, got to see when they were first put 34 up there.

And

I got to admit, though, part of it was sad.

It was like, fuck, it's over.

It's over.

Now he's part of the history of the Boston Red Sox.

And

I don't know.

All those ceremonies, man, they always just remind you that you're going to fucking die.

Like, oh, now he's too old to play baseball.

He's too old to fucking play.

And I'm like 15 years fucking older than he is or 10 years older than him.

You know?

Seeing Karl Yostremsky coming out with all white hair.

I should have known that was coming.

That guy played until he was like fucking 40.

Oh my God, I'm nine years older older than when that guy retired.

Maybe he played like 43.

I don't fucking know.

This is getting depressing.

How do I get out of this?

How the fuck do I get out of this?

Oh, I know.

Let's talk F1 and fucking Moto GP.

Pete, peep, peep.

All right, so race number fucking eight or nine of the F1

season

in

Azerbaijan.

Is that how they say it?

Azerbaijan?

Baijan, whatever.

Just east of of Georgia.

And I don't mean fucking

Georgia, United States, the country, Georgia.

And I guess it's in Asia.

It's not Eastern Europe.

I always get, it's always weird.

Georgia and all the way over there.

You don't know where the fuck they're at.

One of the coolest cities

on the F1 circuit, using that word circuit.

Just a beautiful city.

I would love to go there, but I definitely looked up.

Like, is that like one of those places I shouldn't go?

Should I have like a Canadian fucking flag on my backpack?

Should I

speak in an Irish brogue

when I go there?

Seemed like it was pretty safe.

I don't know.

I don't fucking know.

I had a great time.

Crazy goddamn fucking race.

Congratulations to Daniel Ricardo, who I think might be the best driver in F1, considering he doesn't have the best engine and he's always on the fucking podium.

And he drinks champagne out of his fucking shoe.

So, you know,

God bless you.

And I don't know about this Lewis Hamilton guy.

I was a fan.

I think he's a fucking great driver, but I don't know.

They said he didn't hit the brakes.

For those of you guys don't watch, they were under caution and the fucking safety car was out there.

You know, guys always complain that the safety car drives too fucking slow, you know, which cools off their tires.

Then they don't have any grip and then they slam into the fucking wall or into each other, right?

So anyways.

Hamilton was complaining that the fucking guy was driving too slow.

And then for whatever reason, he hits the brakes really hard.

And Sebastian Vettel rear-ended him.

And he was like, what the fuck?

And then

Vettel pulls up alongside of him and slammed his cars and like, you know, tire to tire.

And he got a 10-second penalty for that.

And

I don't know.

I kind of view it, and they said Hamilton didn't slam on the brakes, but I kind of viewed this as one of those, the ball don't lie.

You know, they say that in basketball when there's some piece of shit, foul, bullshit foul, guy flops.

You go up there and you miss the foul shots.

They always say the ball don't lie.

Well, only uh after that thing they said hamilton didn't slam on the brakes hamilton didn't slam on the brakes and vettel was guilty of slamming into him and they only gave him a 10 second penalty i guess they said there should have been more uh so he basically has to drive into the fucking pits and sit there for 10 seconds as everybody keeps going and then drives back out again but hamilton after that

uh that fucking thing that goes around his neck or whatever outside the car that thing came loose so he had to fucking pull in anyways which fucked him over and vettel still beat him so I looked at that like the ball don't lie.

And Hamilton fucked, I didn't like how he fucking said Deke says to his team saying, Boltis should slow down.

He should slow down to help me pass Vettel.

Go fuck yourself.

What about last year?

When the team called you up to slow down for fucking Nico Rosberg.

And you're like, nah, I'm good.

You were out there driving for yourself.

You know what that guy reminds me of?

He reminds me of a couple of comedians.

I'm not going to fucking mention their names when I was on my way way up with them, and they were these fucking people.

They were happy if you got something as long as they had more, and they would literally stab your mother in the eye if they could get an inch forward.

That's what I got out of that fucking shit.

He should slow down.

Go fuck.

You got a fucking Mercedes-Benz engine.

That isn't enough for you.

I still like Lewis Hamilton, but that was kind of girly.

That was kind of girly, I thought.

You know what I mean?

I might be out of my fucking mind here.

I don't like that shit.

Here's what I don't like about F1 is basically

the fucking Mercedes and the Ferraris.

Okay, if you don't root for either one of those other teams, every other team, it's like they're out there driving around in a fucking Z28,

okay?

And Ferrari and Mercedes, they're driving around in a Corvette Z06.

Seeing that Lance Stroll, he was like 10 seconds ahead of

Botas.

What happened to him at the early part of the race?

Oh, the early part of the race, everybody fucking hit each other in the beginning.

So he had to go and he was immediately a lap down.

He's a lap down.

He does this stroke array shit like a fucking movie.

Just flies through the entire fucking field.

I mean, Daniel Ricardo did the same thing, but he's in the Red Bull thing.

They got like an inferior engine.

Like, they won't give him one of those Mercedes.

They won't sell the guy a Mercedes or a Ferrari engine because he knows he'd be too much of a problem.

That's why I think he's the best driver out there because he's driving around basically a fucking Z28 and he's always up on the podium.

So anyways,

Force India, my fucking team there, I don't know what's going on with them.

They got this whole Ricky Bobby, Ricky Bobby shit going on.

Slamming into each other.

What the fuck is wrong with them?

Esteban, Ocon and Sergio Perez, they basically took each other out of the race.

They would have been on the podium, one possibly two cars.

And for half a fucking second,

what is it?

The Haas team, the fucking American team, Magnusson was like in third place.

All right.

Two of the Williams, it was the craziest fucking race.

Like the front of the race was Daniel Ricardo, like both Williams

Martini racing, whatever the fuck you say it, and

Magnusson.

Then of course they all just get run down.

They all get fucking run down.

Botas was like 10 seconds behind stroll with like 10 laps to go and he fucking caught him.

Right at the finish line to get second place.

So

that's it.

I can no longer root for fucking Ferrari and I can't root for Mercedes because I feel like I'm rooting for the Yankees or the Red Sox.

The only reason why I root for the Red Sox is because I'm from Boston.

What am I supposed to do?

But like, you know, they both blow $200 million, but not this year.

The Yankees have it.

But I'm just saying, generally speaking, throughout history, right?

So I can't like pile on.

Pull a Kevin Durant or a LeBron down in Miami or the big three in Boston, two out of three anyways.

I can't fucking do that.

So my team, my team,

I like the Force

India team, and I like the Williams racing team.

That's the coolest looking car, I think.

I like their colors.

You know, red, white, and blue.

I guess they used to dominate, though.

I got to read up more on this sport.

I don't get how you used to fucking dominate and

you just suck.

You know?

I don't get it.

It's not like other sports where you got athletes getting old and dying.

Not dying, retiring, I should say.

I mean, if you know how to make a fucking engine work at that level, shouldn't you just know how to do it?

I know the driver does count for something, but gee, I don't fucking know what I'm saying.

I don't know shit about this stuff.

I just know it's fun to watch.

I guess Red Bull won like three in a row, like I don't know, five, six years ago.

And then all of a sudden, what engine were they using then?

Well, look it up, Bill.

I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid to look it up, and it'll be like fucking P's and Q's and no one will have an answer.

So I watched that today.

And then I also watched the Moto GP race, which was fucking insane.

Both races were great.

The Moto GP race was even fucking better.

Like as crazy as that race was, they have a problem with that Azerbaijan race where because it goes through a city, they don't have those cranes to lift the cars out of the way and there's fucking debris all over the track.

They actually had a red flag and everybody just pulled in and just stopped as all these guys were running around the track picking up shit from other cars that had smashed into each other.

As crazy as that race was, the Moto GP race was the shit.

Valentino Rossi, he's like 38 fucking years old.

He ended up winning the thing.

Just imagine all the bullshit that was happening, F1 with them bumping into each other.

They're doing it on motorcycles, going like 150, 200 fucking miles an hour.

You know who the guy I like the best on that?

I mean, I always root for Valentino Rossi just because he's old and I relate and I want him to keep winning so it doesn't make me feel like, you know, when he retires, I'm like, oh, there's another guy.

I like that

Johan Zarko.

That guy's a fucking lunatic.

And I also like the color of the bike, the black and the yellow, whatever they got.

I like him.

And then I also like

the Ducati team.

I like that.

How do you say his last name?

Dovi, Dov, Dava Siosi.

Sioso.

I can't say it.

I can't say it.

Someone's got to say it.

I got to watch another 15 races to be able to pronounce that.

D-O-V-I-Z-I-O-S-O.

Zioso.

Doviz-Zioso.

Dovizioso?

Is that how you say it?

German-Irish.

Like, we usually have two-syllable, one-syllable fucking last names.

I can't.

That's too many fucking hills.

Dovi Zioso.

Andrea Dovizioso.

Grazi, Prego.

Just an incredible fucking race.

Mark Marquez was in there too.

And then that fucking lunatic, the British guy,

Cal Crutchlow.

I don't know where the fuck he came from.

That guy rides like a lunatic.

The way he rode, and Johan Zarko, I like that.

They're out of their fucking minds.

So

I'm all in on both of those races.

They're so fucking easy to watch.

20-something laps, and then the one today with the cars was like, what, like 50 fucking laps, 51?

It's It's a good goddamn time.

And then after that, I take my daughter out.

You know?

A lot of people, when they want to get their babies to fall asleep, a lot of dads, what they do is they put them in the car and they drive around.

It's hilarious because the movement makes them go to sleep.

But then you get to a red light and they wake up and they start crying again.

That's why I am a big proponent of the stroller.

All right, because you can keep that fucking thing.

Even if you have a red light, you can keep it, you know, if you're walking.

And also, it's a great way to prevent the dreaded dad bought.

Okay, all you fucking guys out there, you throw them in the car and then you drive around, you know, then they fall asleep, and then what do you do?

You hit the drive-through because you're tired, you know.

Arbies, we have the meats, and then you get that fucking sandwich that also has a pig on it, the pork, the spare ribs, or whatever the fuck they put on there, the ribs.

The hoof, the hoof.

Yeah, I've been just walking her around my neighborhood and she falls asleep and then uh I just keep walking throughout her whole nap.

I went to the fucking butcher, went to the uh supermarket, knock out some errands as she's asleep.

You just keep it fucking moving the whole time.

You throw the groceries on the bottom of the uh

stroller and that's it.

There's a little dad tip for you.

If you got you got a better one, I don't know what to tell you.

I do the elliptical while she's still sleeping in the morning, and then I take her for a trip around the neighborhood.

You gotta do it.

You can't do the car thing, man.

You got to go out and walk.

Put on your track suits, right?

Track shoes, your dad socks, your fucking jean shorts, whatever the fuck you got going on.

Your true religion jeans.

I love that I never gave into that fed.

Those were the Z Cavaricis of fucking last decade.

Giant stitching with the fucking, you want to get lucky boy, fucking

horseshoe on the back.

There was always something funny about a horseshoe on the ass pockets.

That always, to me, was more gay pride parade than

fucking, hey, look at them fucking chicks over there.

But they fucked, they loved them.

They loved them.

And speaking of fucking the gay pride parade, you know what's slowly making a comeback?

And I love it because I never had a problem with it, is rollerblading.

Rollerblading is slowly making a comeback.

I loved it.

I used to go down the beach with my short shorts on, skating backwards.

Kidding.

Little boy short, true religion boy shorts.

I did it.

Sure, we all did.

Ah, there's the Photoshop for the week.

But you know what?

There's no fucking true religion boy shorts.

So good luck with you on that one, fucko.

No, I liked it.

I used to play fucking in New York.

out in Santa Maria down at Venice Beach.

I used to play roller hockey.

And Jesus Christ, catching an edge never hurt more than when you were in a fucking parking lot.

Ugh.

You had to go elbow pads.

You had to do it.

Elbow and knee pad.

You just had to fucking do it.

You know, out there dressed like RoboCop because when you went down, you were fucked.

The only thing that sucked is the hockey gloves.

You didn't have that thing.

And I actually broke my wrist.

I broke a bone in my wrist.

I used to, here's, oh my god, way back, way, way, way back, way back in the fucking day.

I used to play two-on-two

rollerblade hockey at the top on the top of parking garages in west hollywood

um

i used to play it with three other comics

it was me and dane cook and it was versus they were all boston comics versus uh rick delea and rest his soul uh

Pete Cummin.

And I remember we used to, I remember playing

the day of the Super Bowl, just laughing at how insane the fucking weather was, that it was 80 degrees out.

We went out there, had a great fucking game, super, super highly competitive fucking game.

And we used to play at the top of the parking garage because for whatever reason, on like the Sundays or whatever, they would just never, there wouldn't be enough people and no one wanted to park on the roof because the car would get all fucking hot on the inside.

And we would play up there, and sometimes someone would park up there, but no one would ever rat us out.

And only a couple of times did the ball ever go over the edge that I remember.

But we always had like an extra one.

But we used to do that all the time.

And it was a great time.

And

I never understood why the whole fucking fad went away.

There was one homophobic joke.

One homophobic joke killed me.

And what's the hardest thing about rollerblading?

Telling your parents,

telling your parents that you're gay.

That one little joke, the whole fucking thing, the whole thing went away.

I never understood it.

I got to the point, I was the one, the guy who took his break off.

That was like a big thing.

When you lived in New York, you had to be cool.

You had to take your break off

and learn how to stop the other way.

Like, yeah, why would I want to be able to stop quick when I'm skating out in traffic with cabs and shit?

I can't believe I never died.

I had a couple of really close calls.

So fucking stupid.

I would never do that again.

I just chalked that up to being young.

Like, I still lived in New York and I was close to Central Park, Plark, Plark, Park, and I was going to go rollerblading.

At this my age, I would walk to the park carrying my fucking rollerblades.

I have no shame about it.

I know a lot of people are embarrassed that they rollerbladed.

I have no fucking shame.

No shame.

If I lived closer to a boardwalk, I would own a pair and I would go out there.

It's so much more fun than doing the fucking elliptical.

It's better exercise, you know, you put on your wireless headphones, right?

You tie your t-shirt off at the waist, and you know, you go out there and you have a good time.

Maybe you have some tassels on.

I don't know why.

I think it's hilarious that everybody got all fucking weird about it.

As you can tell, I haven't read any advertising.

I haven't done any fucking questions because I'm recording it early and I still haven't got my materials for the week.

Let's hit refresh, see if they came in.

Let's see

nothing.

Nothing, nothing.

No advertising, no nothing.

All right, I'll keep talking here.

I'll keep talking.

I'll read the ads and then I'll do the fucking,

I'll do the fucking,

what do you call it?

I'll do the questions.

All right.

All right.

No dad, bawd.

I already talked about that.

Oh, Billy, no fun.

Billy, no fun.

Billy, no fun.

Didn't drink until Friday night.

Took my nephew to the game, and after I dropped him off, I went back into the city, and I had

two home pours and a fucking

and a cigar.

But then I didn't drink last night, and today I had one cores like just because they made the old stubby bottles again.

I just had to add one, and it was fucking delicious.

But I don't count that.

I just had one.

I didn't get fucked up.

Anyways.

So I've been doing that shit.

Got the drinking back under control.

And I'm gonna find out this week by the way if there's gonna be a season three of efforts for family so I'm a little nervous

to find out so if you haven't watched it yet it would really help us if you guys would watch this week to give it a nice little boost you know I know there's a ton of good shit out there I know bloodline came back I know some of you guys are working your way through Fargo or better call Saul but uh if he could just give us just you know watch one episode something anything will help

because we're going to find out this week.

And

so, anyways, I went to the Red Sox Friday night.

Saturday, I came home when the Angels game was on against the Red Sox because, you know, I get the Angels feed out here.

And now I'm back into watching baseball.

I'm watching racing.

And I actually watched the end of the BC Eagles versus the Edmonton Eskimos.

I watched a CFL game.

I got to tell you, it was highly entertaining because the BC Eagles fucking defense sucks.

One of those high-scoring games or whatever, they tied it up and then, you know, tied it up with like no time left.

And the Edmonton Eskimos go out and the first fucking play, they gave up, I don't know,

a nice 80-yard meter, whatever the fuck they call it, a kilometer, whatever they call it up there,

pass.

And then they lost the game.

kicked a field goal and it was over.

And I know a lot of people shit on the CFL.

It's on TSN.

It's good shit, you know?

I look at it this way.

This is college players that weren't good enough to make it,

you know,

into

the NFL.

But any one of those CFL teams could beat the best fucking college team out there because it's made of college all-stars.

Like the NFL, it's college all-stars.

The NFL is just the best of the best college all-stars.

The CFL is all the college all-stars that could not make it to the NFL.

So it's still competitive football.

They got that giant field.

I actually enjoyed it.

I don't know.

I always watched the Edmonton Eskimos just because, like, way back in the day, it always seemed like Doug Fluty and Warren Moon or some shit were always on those teams.

But, you know, I don't know.

BC Eagles came back.

So I was like, I gotta watch these.

I'm gonna root for these guys.

And they fucked the game up.

All right.

I don't know what else to talk about.

I'm running out of shit.

Congratulations to the lady in Australia who breastfed

in Parliament.

I don't know why that was a big deal, but evidently it's a big deal.

I don't know what

I have to be honest with you.

My whole fucking life, I've never heard one guy ever say that he had an issue with breastfeeding in public.

I don't know what the fucking problem is.

I think it's more for like guys that don't have kids yet.

And it like grosses them out because they're like, I want to be...

sticking my face in there.

Now there's a baby there and that weirds me out.

And it makes my chubby go away.

I don't know what the deal is.

I also don't think, but I'd be honest with you, I don't think you should be breastfeeding while you're fucking, you know, working for your district.

You know, can we have your 100% focus here?

You know, I don't know.

But I guess guys could go up there and adjust their balls as they're talking about laws.

I don't know.

I don't know why.

I don't know what the big deal is about it.

I've seen it my whole fucking life, but I also don't know why it's treated like somebody just landed on Mars and came back.

You know, anything women do is now is just like.

It was so brave.

It was so groundbreaking.

You know.

They try to act like, you know, they were in Braveheart.

It's like you fed a baby

because it was hungry.

I'm running out of shit to talk about.

Royal Blood has a new album out, everybody.

Now, I didn't download their first one.

I just downloaded their hit.

And I played my drums to it a thousand times and I still suck at it.

You know, that something, something to do, but bada boo.

Gotta fucking work it out.

Wham, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, baby, bam.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Seven to do, but what up?

However, the fucking song goes.

I don't even know the words.

Um, wow.

What it a bam!

What it a boo.

Um, Royal Blood has a new album out, and it got good reviews, so I'm gonna download that shit because I have a fucking, I got a little rehearsal space.

I was over there today.

I was over there today.

I got my fucking life down.

It's perfect.

Wake up in the morning, morning, I work out, right?

While the kids are sleeping, my wife's sleeping.

Then I run over, I play drums for a fucking hour.

I come back like a champ.

I make everybody breakfast.

You know, I get my bullshit done.

And then in the afternoon, I take my fucking precious little baby girl for a walk.

That's it.

That's it.

But you know what?

My wife will still find something to complain to me about.

Something.

Something.

There'll be something I'm doing wrong.

I just feel feel like I would like it better if you.

I feel like for me.

All right.

This is the last thing that I got to hit pause until this fucking shit comes in.

The questions here.

Come on, man.

Send the fucking questions.

Refresh button.

Hit the refresh button, Bill.

Hit the refresh button.

Nothing.

Wait a minute.

I'm an asshole.

Oh, I was in the wrong account.

What an asshole.

What an asshole.

This is the kind of guy who doesn't know the difference between photosynthesis and pollination.

Fighting!

Out of the blue corner.

Here we go.

Oh, and lo and behold, there it is.

Here we go.

Oh, it's time for some advertising.

I was just going to give you guys a fun baseball fact.

Remind me when I come back.

You can't, but I'll, you know.

All right.

Oh, but

thank friggin' God.

I'm done with that shit.

I hate doing a lot of reads during the summer.

All right, here we go.

Let's read some of the content.

Some of the content.

Oh, hey, I got to promote a Paul Versey show.

Paul Versey with the hilarious Mike Faverman are co-headlining a comedy show to help raise awareness to fight.

That's film, intervening, getting high team.

Jesus Christ, there's a fucking mouthful.

It's a non-profit that helps young adolescents tell inspiring stories through film and video creations that help curb the opiate epidemic.

Founded by Oxymoron Writers.

Oxymoron's writer/slash director, Johnny Hickey.

You ever see that movie?

That's a good one.

Check that one out.

They're doing the show at the Kowloon on Route 1 in Saugus this Thursday, July 29th, 7 to 10 p.m.

Free buffet with ticket purchase of $40.

All right?

Go to the Kowloon Route 1 Saga, some of the best fucking Chinese food you're ever going to have.

Paul Versey, Mike Faverman, are going to fucking kill it.

7 and 10 p.m.

What?

7-10 p.m.

Are there two shows?

One show?

7 to 10?

I don't know what it is.

Look it up.

All right.

Kowloon Route 1 Sagas.

All right.

Three drink rule.

Hey, Bilbo Bagtits.

I have three drinks tonight and went home.

I feel great about myself.

From a fellow adult.

Ooh, a little shade there in the end.

I don't know, dude.

Three drinks, you'll become a bloated fat fuck.

You had three drinks and then you drove home.

What kind of drinks?

All right.

Here's one for you, buddy.

I drank probably over 300 days last year.

I don't feel good about myself.

And me needing to shut it down in no way should make you feel self-conscious about what you're doing to the point you have to be cunty to me and say you feel great about yourself.

All right, that's it.

So good for you.

Keep having three drinks tonight and feeling good about yourself.

When you don't feel good about yourself, shut it down.

You know what I'll do?

I'll support you.

Cancer charity sham.

Oh, here we go.

Here we go.

Here's another one.

Here's another one.

In a rare

joint action with

Attorneys General for each of the 50 states, the Federal Trade Commission says four cancer charities run by extended members of the same family conned donors out of $187 million from 2008 through 2012 and spent almost nothing to help actual cancer patients.

And what happens to these people?

Are they going to go to jail?

Children's Cancer Fund.

All right, let's see.

In a rare, but

each of the charities charged were the subject of extensive reporting by CNN in 2013.

Because I remember this story.

And in each instance, none of the four charities would comment.

We were ordered out of the building at the Cancer Fund of America in Knoxville, Tennessee, home of the Tennessee Volunteers.

And we're the object of

an obscene gesture by the CEO of the Breast Cancer Society.

That's usually a good sign that it's bullshit.

If you're raising money for cancer to help kids stricken with cancer and you're the CEO and you give the finger of media, which is going to help promote, yeah, that's probably a good sign.

The Cancer Fund of America is run by James Reynolds Sr., his son James Reynolds Jr.

This is all alleged, by the way, before these scumbags allegedly start to sue me for reading this.

Is the CEO of the Breast Cancer Society, another charity, the Child Cancer Fund of America, is run by Rose Perkins, the ex-wife of the elder James Reynolds.

He's also the CEO of the fourth charity, Cancer Support Services.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

Well, if they're doing dirt, I hope they get caught and they go to fucking jail.

Jesus Christ, man, that is like some sociopath shit

Jesus Christ

oh my god you're going out buying like a fucking wanna buy yourself a raptor

like a fucking

what could you here's something for you what could you buy yourself

with with cancer

shit that was supposed to go to to help kids what could you buy yourself

oh my god that that is I mean that is just, that is just, that's on another fucking level.

I think even bankers would be like, really, dude, Jesus Christ.

How about a little fucking, little bit of tact, something?

All right, transgender habits.

Hey, Billy Muffin Top.

Oh, that's so true.

I listened to NPI

a few months ago, or maybe even a few years ago.

Oh, Jesus.

This is already losing credibility.

I can't remember if it was last month or 2010.

I heard a segment you might be interested in.

I believe it was This American Life, but they asked a transgendered man,

I don't know what they mean, a woman becoming a man, I get it, I think, if there was any interesting changing.

Well, he talked about after his transition, he was now more into science, was way more interested in sex, and wasn't able to access his emotions.

as much anymore.

Oh, so those are basically guy things.

That's kind of interesting.

I would think way more interested in sex because you're finding the sex you want to be.

Science, that's really interesting.

And weren't able to access your emotions more.

I don't know.

I have no idea.

That's, well, there you go.

So maybe I wasn't wrong, thinking that somebody's habits changed.

Female privilege.

Hey, man.

Love your podcast.

Hope your family's doing great.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Wasn't that nice of you?

My family is doing great.

My daughter is awesome.

And my wife, I have a whole new level of love for watching her be a mom.

Aww.

Have a read at this article when you get a chance.

Okay, female nurse found guilty of dangerous driving causing death

to be sentenced.

Do I want to read this?

There aren't any kids involved in this.

Is this?

Come on, we already saw a potential scam.

Okay, BC nurse found guilty of dangerous driving causing death sentenced to 90 days in jail.

The families of two young people are angry over a dangerous driving sentence, giving the woman who killed them.

Okay, the BC nurse found guilty of dangerous driving

causing death to two people has been sentenced to 90 days in jail.

Andelina Hesimovic was driving at high speeds through Pitt Meadows in October 2010.

She ran a red light, jumped a concrete median, and slammed into a car carrying

Becky Dyer, 19,

and Johnny D.

Oliveira, 21.

The couple who were on their way home from a concert were killed instantly.

Along with the 90-day sentence, Hesse Movik also received two years probation, 120 hours of community service, and three years' driving probation.

She will serve her sentence intermittently between Tuesdays and Thursdays around her work schedule.

Oh my God, what a joke.

Dyer's mother, Debbie, said this sentence is not showing the public that our justice system actually is a justice system.

It's actually a legal system.

It's not going to deter other drivers from doing the same.

Oh my God.

Dia Oliveira's mom, Audrey, echoed the same sentiment.

Six years is a long time.

She's put everybody through, and she's only getting a little bit here, a little bit there.

It's wrong.

Yeah, that's terrible.

That's fucking terrible.

That's fucking horrible.

You know, at some point when you're driving that fast, you do.

I mean, I think those laws are all going to change.

I know they have with drunk driving.

I think because she wasn't drunk and jails are all filled up, at least in this country, like, I don't understand that.

But I mean your life should be tremendously effective.

If you were driving that fucking fast and then killed two innocent people,

I think the whole, well, she's never committed a crime, she's a nurse, she's a productive member of society, I think a lot of that goes out the fucking window.

Well, she did something tremendously stupid and now two people are dead forever.

So at the very least, you can do 90 straight days in jail.

What do you say there?

And yeah, I guess you'll have to figure out what you're going to, how you're going to find another job after that.

What kind of cool job does she have?

I have to be on jail.

I have to be in jail on Tuesday and thursdays because i killed two people

on tuesday i go to jail for the woman i killed on thursday i go to jail for the guy i killed so like can i work like monday

not wednesdays because i'll be like so tired from being in jail from monday um

can i work like monday friday saturday and a half day sunday

That's, yeah, that's disgusting.

Fucking disgusting.

All right, my girlfriend is becoming a feminist.

Hey there, daddy, bald, freckle.

First of all, English isn't my mother tongue.

So sorry if I fucked up a bit.

All right, I was wondering why that.

I could just see you googling daddy, bald, freckle, and just mashing them.

That's what I would have done.

All right, and I'm 33 years old, and I'm in an 18-month relationship with a terrific girl.

After four rather unsuccessful relationships, I finally had the feeling she could be the one.

She has her flaws like every person, but hey, so do I.

But when it comes down to the important features like honesty, moral values, similar lifestyles, and interests, she really is my match.

And to top it all off, in bed, it never gets boring.

Dude, this is your second language.

This is great.

She's more on the submissive side.

Maybe you're just fucking with me and you deliberately wrote a bad insult.

She's more on the submissive side.

If you understand, wink, and some things sometimes get wild.

Gross,

gross.

I now have no sympathy for you, but in a very nice way, he tries to say.

After our sexy time session, gross, we lay next to each other, comp.

Completely out of breath, feeling like nothing can touch us.

Sounds cheesy, but it's really beautiful.

Why did you go into all that detail?

Oh my God, that was disgusting.

Did I ever tell you guys how much I can't stand watching people kiss in public on film or any of that?

It's the grossest fucking thing ever.

Keep your intimacies to yourself.

Now we have a long-distance relationship.

We are far away, but we

still see each other quite often.

Five times per year,

but then usually weeks at a time.

Dude, what the fuck just happened?

What just happened?

Was there a jump in time here?

Was there some time travel going on here?

She lives in Europe and has been hanging out with these feminist activist girls, and she's bringing up the topic of sexism, etc., more and more lately.

Now, I was raised by a proud mother.

Oh, Jesus, is there any other kind?

Proud, strong woman, and could not imagine dating a girl that

has values of women out of the 1950s.

I like confident, proud women.

This is what he always sets himself up to be a good guy.

They can hold their own.

But even though I am not a chauvinist by any means,

I think the modern feminist movement, similar to vegans,

annoys the living hell out of me.

I get that there is sexism in this world, but I don't see the huge problem in it, especially since the Western societies have made such progress in this field in the past decades.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

You keep talking yourself back into the hole there.

Yeah, like a total psycho 100% feminist maniac.

Yeah, you don't want to be around that.

It's literally like being around a conspiracy theorist after a while, as far as they're never going to shut the fuck up about that topic.

It's going to drive you nuts after a while.

Do you realize that every day, 40% of women, they're going to be throwing stats at you?

Like someone who plays fantasy football.

Anyway, he says, today my girlfriend sent me a link to an article about how pornography objectifies and discriminates.

Women.

Then she wrote, I've been thinking a lot lately, and I ought to change some things in the future, especially in our sex life.

Yeah, dude, this relationship is over.

Now I tend to agree with

now.

I tend to agree with this auto, but nevertheless, I furiously replied, hey, if you're going to turn into one of these non-stop nagging feminists, please tell me now so I can

even move the fuck further away from you and your victim-seeking, miserable friends.

Yeah, dude, you're kind of an asshole.

You're kind of an asshole.

Slash a bit of a control freak, I think.

I don't know.

But then you're cool with her moving away.

I don't know.

I can't read you.

He goes, them things escalated quickly.

Yeah, you think?

We got into a big fight and haven't communicated since.

Yeah, dude, it's a wrap.

It was already a rap.

It was already a rap.

You know, if you just imagine if you got into something,

okay?

And then you came home and whatever your new fucking way of thinking was, you told your wife that or girlfriend that she needed to adjust some things in the bedroom.

I mean, try that one on for size.

Yeah, what it is, is she's grown in a different direction and she needs to be,

you know,

I don't know.

I don't know.

She needs to be with a different type of guy, not you.

Now, Bill, this is a girl.

This girl is great and smart and TBH.

I don't know what that means.

I am all for women's rights and see sexism on a daily basis and totally understand some of the...

Stop fucking making yourself out to be the hero.

I'm not one of these guys, but I'm not one of these guys, so leave me the fuck alone with this stuff.

And if this stuff will interfere with our sex life and change the woman that I have learned to love, I don't know where this will leave us.

What do you think of this?

Am I being too non-empathetic here?

It's been, I don't think you're an empathetic person.

I would say that,

yeah, this is a rap.

This is not the kind of woman you're looking for.

And this is a major change in her.

All right.

I mean, I don't know what goes on between the two of you, but if she's going to be like, hey, watch this, and we need to change some stuff in the bedroom, like the relationship, as you know it is over.

And

it's long distance.

I mean, yeah, it's a fucking wrap.

I would walk away.

All right.

Fucked up at Pet Shop.

Last one here.

Fucked up at the Pet Shop.

Eastern boy, women and girls.

Eastern girls.

Western girls.

Pet shop boys.

That's right.

All right.

Fucked up at Pet Shop.

How's it going, old Billy Bordeaux Bullocks?

Love the podcast.

Congrats on the guy.

Thank you very much.

All the great work on F is for Family Bag East.

Haven't laughed at anything so hard in a long time.

Old Billy, I fucked up recently, but no one knows I've done anything wrong.

I work at a pet shop.

We sell rabbits and mice, things like that, and my job is to feed them and clean their cages.

I already don't like where this is going.

Not the most exciting thing in the world, but I love animals and they look so sad a lot of the time.

So I try to make their lives a little better by looking after them the best I can.

That's what I would do if I worked at a pet store.

Long story short, I'm fairly new.

So the first day I was taught how to tell the male rabbits from the female rabbits.

Turns out you have to feel for the testicles, which wasn't that hard as a lot of the rabbits had really big balls, like holy shit.

And I was pretty confident that I could do it in the future.

God, these are weird this week.

Fast forward to Monday.

Turns out I cannot do it.

We got a whole load of new lionhead rabbits in with massive fur, making it almost impossible to locate the balls.

Well, just flick them between the legs.

If the rabbit turns around, like, what the fuck was that for?

She has a pussy.

If you fucking flick it between the legs and the thing collapses,

you know, and lays there for 30 seconds while his other friends laugh at him.

That is a male and the ones laughing.

Well, women laugh at that shit too.

Anyways, at that stage, it was just me and one of the student part-time workers who probably had just learned to locate his own balls, let alone someone else's.

Why is this a big deal?

Well, I can tell you,

I think you can figure out

why we can't put the males in with the females.

Bill, I seriously don't know what the fuck happened, but I went home that evening having no idea if I was going to arrive back into work with double the number of rabbits.

I know that's not how gestation works, but fuck it.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

I just started working here and I really like it, but I have no idea how to explain how I fucked this up so badly.

Thanks.

Well, what happened?

We got a whole new load

of new lionhead rabbits in with massive fur, making it almost impossible.

So, what is the problem here?

You're worried that you're going to put them in with the wrong ones?

And they're like, ah, fuck.

Oh, my God.

I just dropped my fucking laptop on my foot.

Jesus Christ.

I don't know what the problem is, sir.

What I would do is I would come clean before you have 7,000 rabbits and they got to feed them to the snakes.

That's what I would do.

All right?

How hard is it to find fucking balls?

I'd put on a glove

and I'd go like

underneath them.

You know?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm out of my element.

I don't know what to tell you.

I don't know how to find rabbit balls.

I would definitely come clean and say that you think you're fucking messed up because the fact that you're running from this problem, like that guy in Fargo, ah, geez, I'm going to get you the numbers like you're doing that right now.

All right.

And I'm afraid you're going to end up blaming

the fucking college student.

All right.

So I would just come clean, say that you're fucked up.

I don't think they're going to fire you over it.

You know what I mean?

That's what I would do.

And I would learn how to find rabbit balls.

I would get into another line of business.

All right.

Okay, there you go.

That's the podcast for this week.

I'll check in on you on Thursday.

If you'd like to contribute to this podcast, just go to Netflix and watch F is for Family this week.

If you don't want to do that, okay, that's it.

Go fuck yourselves, and I will talk to you on Thursday.

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