Leg Day, NBA Playoffs, Drumming | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-15-25

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Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

And I'm just checking in

on you.

Ooh, how's it going?

How are ya?

All right, getting through another

week here, all by myself.

I'm not gonna lie to you, I am other than when I'm doing the play, which I'm loving,

and you know,

all of that stuff.

But now

I finished the second draft of this script, which is that was the dream.

I'll be like, okay, so I don't have to work during during the day and then do the play at night.

I can actually have my days free.

And now I literally, I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm just fucking,

I'm just, you know, I just keep thinking of that Jim Crochy song.

I've seen so many faces.

I've run so many races.

And something like that, and they were not the nice guy.

And it's been so long since I have felt fine.

That's the reason that I gotta get out of here.

You ever hear that song?

i'm so alone

don't you know that i gotta get out of here because new york's not my home whampy bubba do right

ah jesus christ um

you could go to a movie you could go walk in the park um you could jump off a bridge there's all kinds of things to do here um anyway i went to the big gay gym

BGG.

I went to the big gay gym today, did legs.

I'm going to tell you something about those gay guys in the gym.

They do not skip leg day.

That's a straight guy thing.

All of us walking around with our big fucking, you know, try to get a Wahlberg fucking torso.

And then we walk around with the pretzel rod legs.

Not these gay dudes.

They get the squats in.

So I went over there today

and it was actually not a lot of people in there, but there's always just somebody on, like, the new thing at the gym is just the person on their phone in between sets.

This fucking guy was on what a leg machine I wanted to use in between sets.

You know, what do you call the front of your quads?

That machine, right?

He's sitting there with his fucking legs crossed,

you know, like he's on a park bench.

You want to be like, dude, people need to use that machine.

Can you, can you fucking?

he was driving me nuts because then when he was doing his reps, he was going, doge, doge, doj, doge.

Instead of going one, two and then going down for the negative one, two, three, four.

We all know that, right?

One, two, one, two, three, four.

You don't try to put as much weight as you can in, we're gay, we're gay, we're gay, and your fucking asses coming out of the seat.

Stupid.

Not only are you fucking taking way more time than you need to be, you're not even getting, you're not even, you're, you're, you're,

you're not even doing it right.

That's right.

That's who I am.

I'm that old guy at the gym judging people's form.

I actually have the nerve at almost 57 years of age, someone who blew out both his fucking shoulders with poor form to now judge other people's form.

Who, when I was their age, I had bad form.

And I'm deliberately,

deliberately blocking that out.

Because as an older person, knowing things is something that you need to tell younger people so you don't have to think about your mortality.

Anyways, so I did legs and eggs today.

I don't know.

The way I'm built, no matter how much I do legs, they just don't.

I got to take that shit Wiley Coyote took in one of my favorite cartoons when he got the fucking Earl Campbell legs and he was running around, burning up the streets, literally leaving fire on the streets.

I don't know why, but I used to always root for him.

I never liked the Roadrunner.

You know?

I don't know.

Say what you want about the coyote.

Like, that dude could take a bump.

Always got up.

Always got up.

Always sold it, you know.

Played a great heel.

He just sold it.

We knew he was going to lose, and we still showed up every time rooting for him.

Anyways,

the Boston Celtics.

Jesus Christ.

Jason Tatum blew out his Achilles,

which is fucking brutal.

So I thought the Knicks were going to wrap it up

up in Boston.

And I don't know why they didn't.

From what I heard, heard, I was working, so I missed the whole fucking game, but I heard it was

the Celtics kind of cruised.

That's what it said on

the little sports ticker tape down there at the bottom.

Ticker, whatever you call it.

But I feel like they got to...

There's no, they don't, obviously don't want to go back to Boston, so I figured they close it out down here.

And then what's going to happen, and it's already happened when they went up three games to one, all of these New York Knick fans that I have not heard from

since Lattrell Spreewell

are all coming out of the fucking woodwork.

It's just like,

you know, and I know this isn't all New York fans, and I know that there's Boston's fans like that, but like those, those sports fans that go into hibernation, you know, when their team loses or whatever, and then

they only come out when the sun's out.

Like fucking, you know, that Groundhog Day shit.

Like those sports fans, I don't show show any mercy with them, but I respect

the rest.

Like, Versey.

Versey's a great Knicks fan.

Like, if the Knicks win it, I'm going to be so happy for him.

And I actually like the Knicks, but those fucking whack-a-mole fans

that pop up.

Like, there was one.

I hadn't heard from this guy since game.

He's a big baseball guy.

I had not heard from the guy since game three

of 2004.

He just fucking disappeared.

And then I remember in the early 20 teens,

we blew a series, we blew a lead or something like that.

I think we were in first place.

We had Bobby Valentine.

That's right.

We fucking had this September collapse.

And out of nowhere,

out of nowhere, he called me up and trashed me.

I mean, I hadn't heard from this guy in like seven fucking years.

And then the next year we won it.

I didn't hear, I haven't heard from him since.

Those kinds of sports fans.

Like, those are the ones that, like, I don't know.

I got to keep them at bay because then it makes me actually give a shit and start rooting for the Knicks to lose.

And I don't want them to lose because I love Versey.

I just have to focus on that and not these fucking morons that like

call up.

Plus, you know, I don't want to get into it with a Knicks fan.

I mean, it's, it was, I started with this one guy who came out of nowhere.

It was, it was too easy.

It was just too easy.

I'm like, dude, you got like 10 fucking teams.

You guys should be having a championship parade for somebody every two years, but somehow you go, oh, for fucking 10 every year.

And I still have to listen to you.

What are you talking shit about?

I don't understand what it is.

Anyway, I don't get it.

And he goes, okay, we might not win, but we're the strongest.

It's like, you're not strong.

Woody Allen made it in New York.

Andy Warhol made it in New York, painting fucking soup cans.

Oh my God, don't get me fucking started with that guy.

If anybody can ever explain to me what that guy is, like, I swear to God, if the Emperor's New Clothes wasn't already written, I would be like, it has to be about this guy.

It's a suitcan.

I'm commenting on capitalism, whatever the fuck he was doing.

I mean,

the people that hung out with him, did you ever see a bigger group of people that you would have no interest in fucking hanging out with?

It was just a bunch of hipster, they were like the original hipsters, all just fucking hanging out, you know, being aloof, pretending they were interesting when they weren't.

Their oversized, itchy fucking sweaters hanging off their fucking shoulder.

I guess they predicted Flash Dance.

Maybe, maybe that was their contribution to art.

Yeah.

Yeah, that guy, yeah.

That's my opinion.

That dude stinks.

He just stinks.

You make a movie about a fucking drug addict and then you kick her out of your circle and then she dies.

Is that, I mean, I don't know.

Maybe I should read up on the guy.

You know what?

This is probably me.

I probably don't know enough about the art world to understand his contribution by painting a fucking soup can.

In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.

And he was right.

He wasn't.

Everyone isn't famous.

It never happened.

Everyone is not famous for 15 fucking minutes.

I don't walk down the street going, oh my God, oh my God, oh, shh, that guy.

It's a bunch of fucking people I don't know.

Andy Warhol once said.

Anyway, I don't get it.

I don't get Andy Warhol any more than I understand the bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich.

I get it, it fills you up or whatever, but like, I don't know.

I, I, it's

every city has like a mediocre sandwich that everyone freaks out about because they have child sense memory, and and that's that includes Boston.

I'm not saying it, like, the level, the level that people in Boston hold Dunkin' Donuts coffee.

Like, oh, my donkeys, donkeys has the best.

They don't.

Okay, if you want to say, for a fast food chain,

okay, that planted their flag that we make donuts and they barely make donuts anymore and they just completely abandoned that

and forgot who they were and got into like sandwiches and shit, they don't have the best coffee.

Oh, Billy, hot takes today, huh?

Ooh, look at you.

Did you wake up and feel edgy?

Anyway, yeah, I had a good time with my buddy, though.

He goes, New Yorkers are the strongest.

I go, I've never found this city difficult

as far as to get ahead in.

I just didn't.

Maybe you do.

Maybe that's why you feel the need to wear Timberlands 12 months out of the year.

Never heard back from him.

Anyway, having said that.

I actually, I love the Knicks.

And I also love the Rangers.

I don't know why.

I love both of those teams.

I love an original six-team that isn't the Montreal Canadiens.

I love the Leafs, the fucking Rangers, the Blackhawks,

obviously the Bruins.

And

the Red Wings I like.

I loved them in the 90s.

But somehow, once they left that old arena, something made that was just sad to me.

I love that you had to fucking lean back.

No, I still love the Red Wings.

They've had a lot of great players that I loved.

Shanahan, Iserman,

all those Russian players that I can't remember any of their names.

Sergei, Fedoroff.

Yeah, there's a lot of teams.

Yeah.

I love the teams.

The fans, on the other hand, you know, you know what?

It really should be just fans like this.

Fans like that.

The whack-a-mole fans.

You know.

that all pop up.

That happens with success, right?

All of a sudden,

the place gets filled up

and then you can't get a ticket.

You know, it's like during the Brady runs.

Like, where the fuck were all you guys back when it was Schaefer Stadium?

Huh?

Where were you?

Sullivan Stadium.

Where were you?

Where were you during those two and 14 fucking seasons?

Were you sitting in fucking section 318, hammered from a fucking tailgate,

sitting there there going, why did I buy seasons tickets?

I remember I had seasons one year.

We fucking went 5-11,

and I was trying to get some of my money back.

I forget who we were playing, but I bet against the Patriots because I was so fucking pissed.

I'm like, fuck this.

If I'm going to watch them lose every week, I'm going to at least win some money.

And then they showed up and won.

I might have been against the Bills.

It was before the, it was right before the Bills became the Bills with Jim Kelly and they had Thurman Thompson.

They had all the pieces to dominate the AFC.

Now, there's a fucking

group of New York teams that I have empathy for.

Like, I always look at that.

Scott Norwood, he had plenty of fucking leg.

It was a 47, 48-yarder.

And the story of that game is not...

is not that he missed that field goal.

It's that Bill Belichick, the Giants defensive coordinator, shut down the run and gun.

Where was all that offense?

The run and gun offense.

It comes down to a field goal

against a team with no fucking quarterback.

That's not supposed to happen.

But you know what?

He was a convenient,

he's a convenient excuse.

The real story of that game is the genius of

Bill Belichick.

I think.

Anyway, that's my take.

And then also

1999, the Buffalo Sabres.

That fucking guy was in the crease.

They called that all year.

And the most important,

most important goal of the year.

They fuck him.

I don't know what it is.

I think they low-key don't like Buffalo

because they don't consider it like one of the bigger cities.

You know what I mean?

Like, I would say for

a city of that size

to have two professional sports teams is pretty amazing.

I mean, even the NBA left.

The NBA left Rochester and they left Buffalo, right?

Like the Buffalo Bisons, and it was the Rochester Royals.

And they were like, yeah, you know, fuck this.

We're out of here.

We're on our way to bigger and better things.

And they couldn't sell out anyplace.

I think they went to Cincinnati.

Right?

Cincinnati Royals, and then it became the Kansas City Kings, and then the Sacramento Kings.

Am I fucking nuts?

I don't know.

Anyway, but

I don't know.

It's going to be a great day when the Knicks finally win a fucking championship.

And I'm not going to let a couple of fucking moron Knicks fans

ruin that for me.

I'm going to be happy for Verzee.

So

that's it.

And I'm also proud of the Celtics winning that game, not rolling over, making them come back down to New York.

And now look, the pressure.

Hey, who knows?

Anything can happen.

Hey, that's why they play the games.

If we fucking win and force a game seven,

I can tell you who I'm not going to hear from.

All those fucking whack-a-mole fans.

Pop their head out when the sun's out.

Fucking hunkered down during the losses.

Anyway, plowing ahead here.

What else did I want to talk about?

Oh, my God.

I did this gig at this church, another church,

and it was the night the Knicks went up three games to one.

And we sold all the tickets, but only like a third of the people showed up because everyone was out,

I don't know, either celebrating or just figured that the show had already started.

Because we held it for like another 15 minutes, but like nobody showed up.

But it

ended up being a lot of fun because,

I don't know, whenever

I had this weird thing that if I go into a room, no matter what size it is, if I see empty seats, I I don't feel any pressure.

You know, like I could be in a place that holds a couple thousand people, but if I see empty seats, I feel like, all right,

no pressure, didn't sell out, right?

But I could be in like a hundred-seater, and if it's packed, then I'm like, oh, fuck.

There's expectations.

So anyway, I was in this place.

This old church, it was amazing.

It looked like everything in there

was at least a hundred years old

and uh the green room where we were at

i mean it must have had like 20-foot ceilings where we were in

and for whatever reason it had like these cabinets

way up at the top

so i was joking with the other comedians i'm like what is in those cabinets and when was the last time anybody fucking looked

I mean, there's probably a flyer in there from World War II talking about, you know, to donate your tin cans and all of that shit for the war effort.

Anyway, so

I had a really good leg day.

They got this one fucking machine that I never used

before.

It's like that donkey kick

machine.

Like the first time I did it, I was like,

it was like the first time I tried to do a pull-up.

It's like, did God not give me the muscle that I need to do this?

and I don't know I got it I got it I'm moving up the stack but I'm still like you know

just like 30 pounds for each leg like I haven't been able to I went up to 40 pounds and I haven't done it like a week and I had to go back down to 30 which is a great thing about being an old guy when you work out you don't do that ego thing like last time I did 40 you know you just do one you're like ah that doesn't feel good

that feels like I'm gonna end up in rehab fuck that gonna go back, back it down to 30 pounds, do more reps,

not have my fucking leg fall off.

But I've been doing those.

And

here's a leg exercise that's two exercises that have been really helping my drumming.

You know, Dave Elidge told me, you know, to build this up because, you know, I was always having problems doing those bottom triplet things, keeping the hi-hat going.

And it's because I had no balance and I had to like lean back if both legs were coming up at the same time

and um

i've been working on uh psoas hip flexors and my lower back so i can stay planted and be on my sit bones and then all of a sudden it's like you're you're it's like your command over the kit i was like falling away from it um

So there's these one exercises that I've been doing, right?

You take like a water bottle, okay?

You sit down on the floor and like like you have to, like, you feed it like 10 and 2.

Then you have the water bottle on the outside of one leg, and you sit up straight.

And without leaning back, as much as you can,

is you take one leg and you pick it up and over the water bottle, and then set it down, and then come back over the other side, and that's one rep.

And

the first time I did those things, the next day, my hip flexors were like on fire.

Like,

I had never never used those muscles in my life.

And now I can do like sets of 10.

And I have like this dressing room mirror.

And I'm noticing I'm sitting up straight way better.

I'm still leaned back a little bit, but

it's really giving me way more balance and power when I play,

when I try to do those things.

And

it's been amazing.

And then also I had a breakthrough because I've been trying to get

into this thing that

I've been learning from somebody else

about like flow mode, just playing what you're hearing going around the kit and all of that.

So

it's really frustrating if you don't have like a game plan.

But

through watching different teachers and stuff, and seeing these licks on Instagram, I came up with like

this thing that I do where I kind of have like rather than just I used to play the licks four times

in the same order each lick right four different 16th no triplet licks right

and then I would just gradually bring the BPM up until one of them was falling apart and then I would back it down so I got them up to speed and then but then my muscle memory was to play each each of them four times

and then go to the next one in the same order

So

it was still robotic.

I was still between my ears.

So, what I've been doing now

is sort of just playing like,

you know,

16th no triplets on the snare, accenting on different things, throwing the kick in or whatever.

And then I sort of have my home bass lick when I go into like trying to play the licks.

So I'll play the home bass lick, and then the first one of the other, like, four or five licks that I'm thinking of, when I think of it, I just play it.

And then

maybe another one after that.

And then whenever I have like a brain fart, I just go back to that home lick.

And I just keep doing that over and over and over again.

And now all of a sudden,

I've been able to like

kind of like

flow a little bit with the limited vocabulary I have.

It's sort of like a Victor Wooten thing that I learned.

So obviously one one of the best bass players in the world where he talks about learning how to speak, you know, on like a bass guitar and playing notes and everything.

But the philosophy of it, I've been able to apply

to like drums that, like, okay, so like I'm basically a baby and I'm learning how to say mama dada right now.

So don't judge yourself that you can't go up and give like some dissertation on, you know, you're just learning to speak.

So with that, then I give myself permission to fuck up.

And then, all of a sudden, you know, I'm not saying

I'm crushing, but I will say this: that, you know, the next time I go to Guitar Center,

you know, and I see a dad with the fanny pack, you know, I'm going to see if I can get him to look over his shoulder, like, who's that dad?

You know, I thought I was the coolest dad in the drum section.

You know?

Maybe, maybe this guy's coming for my title.

Because I've always been the worst drummer every time I've gone into fucking

guitar center.

Whatever.

A man can have his dreams.

All right, let's let's uh

let's do some um

some reeds here.

I guess I have one here.

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The Floor Store, your area flooring authority.

All right, there you go.

Well,

that is the podcast.

My feelings about game six.

I think the Knicks.

I think the Knicks win that.

I think they had a little bit of a letdown, or Celtic Pride took over.

Game five.

I think game six, the garden will, Madison Square Garden will be rocking.

And

I think,

yeah, I think the Knicks will take that one.

However, for some reason, they don't.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

If the Celtics ever came came back down 3-1 without Jason Tatub against the Knicks,

I'm trying to think

how I would handle that

with my good friend Paul Versey, just out of respect.

I wouldn't call him until he called me.

Until he was ready to talk.

You have no fucking idea.

You have no, maybe you do if you guys listen to his podcast, which I hope you do.

That fucking guy,

like,

I've never seen a guy.

And he, the passion he has for the Knicks.

And Paul Versey is there every fucking year, win or lose.

That fucking guy is a true fan to the fucking bone.

Paul Versey

is a fan.

So I will be happy for him.

And all right.

So that is it.

That is the podcast.

Enjoy the music picked out by the amazing Andrew Themelis.

And

then we have a bonus episode after of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

Thank you to everybody who continues to come out to Glenn Gary Glenn Ross.

They just

put something out how Glenn Gary Glen Ross has already recouped.

So everybody that put their money up on the play and bet on us got their money back.

So all of you guys that came out

to the show has made all of the people in the play look good.

So thank you so much for that.

All right, that's it.

Have a great weekend, your cunts, and I'll see you on Monday.

where everyone is

in are you in

it so much better

Well everyone is in are you in

you

are you and

you

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 15th, 2017, halfway through the month of May.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Do you know Bobby or scored that fucking overtime goal on Mother's Day to win the Stanley Cup back then?

You know, I think he only had to win eight.

It was like fucking 12 teams.

He had the original six and the expansion six.

The original six really weren't the original six, they were just the six left over after fucking the stock market crash or some shit.

They were the only guys left or after World War I.

I can't remember.

Didn't like the Lusitania

sink and then like half the players on the fucking Montreal Maroons were on it.

I don't know.

What is it?

Stumped a fucking Schwami over here.

Do you know Nia's been,

she's been recording

the

sports jeopardy, aka Buffalo Wild Wings Jeopardy.

I'm going to tell you, even as a sports fan, it's not easy, but oh, do I seem like a smartie when I'm watching that show?

To the point, Nia goes, if they ever do any sort of fucking,

you know, comedian

sports jeopardy thing where you can give the money to a charity.

I love that shit.

It's like, I'm going to go on TV

onto a game show.

One of the hardest game shows out there, Jeopardy.

Granted, it's all going to be about sports, but they do a lot of shit of like, you know,

you know, who's the first free agent to fucking get into a fight with Al Davis?

I'm saying, I don't fucking know, right?

Name the last three owners of the Seattle Seahawks.

Like, they take it to that level.

You know what I mean?

But I love how, you know, me was like, oh, you should go on then.

Just, you know, give the money to a charity.

Fuck the charity.

I do enough benefits as a comedian.

I can't go on TV and try to win some money for me.

You know, hit a couple of categories.

They're going, woo, you know.

I'm going to go on TV and expose

how limited my fucking,

I don't know, my world is.

I don't know.

I'm going to go on TV and make an ass of myself and then give it to some dirty-faced kid afterwards?

I'm gonna lose.

And then what?

Some kid who grew up in a fucking chimney is gonna sit there crying?

Because I went there and basically did the babe root thing.

Hey kid, I'll go out there and hit a home run for you today.

Except I'll do it with my mind, man.

I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna fucking lose.

Because they're gonna be like,

yeah, what brand of baseball glove did Goose Gossage use when he was still on the fucking Oakland Ace?

rawlings oh no i'm sorry the correct answer was a wilson

douchebag family with the chance to steal um i actually did uh

you know if i can remember the category my problem with those shows is sometimes like i don't understand

the uh

you know they'll say like get carter and it takes like me for like fucking three in a row to understand like oh these are everybody's got the last name carter i got the hardest one too Or maybe I'm just the oldest.

They brought up the fucking

dude on Michigan, who then I think went to the fucking USFL.

I'm like, this fucking Anthony Carter, number one.

I first started watching college football.

He was the man out there with the Wolverines.

All right?

One of the great fucking fight songs of all time, the Michigan Wolverines.

I'm fucking with you.

I know how it goes.

Hail to the victors, valiant.

And I was singing the Notre Dame song.

Oh, Jesus is tank, right?

Oh, Jesus.

They're going for a two-point conversion there, Jesus.

What do you got to say?

Well, you know, I mean, if they make it, they make it.

I mean, I love everybody.

Get out of this fucking locker room, you bearded hippie.

That's what happened if Jesus came back.

Jesus ever went into the locker room and Newt Rockne was in there, right?

Oh, five foot nothing of them, considered fucking average height way back in the day before they put the horse tranquilizers in the fucking horse meat that they fed to the horses that they then fed to the cows, right?

That are then in my burger.

Maybe that's why I have such a fucking disposition.

I eat a lot of red meat.

This is how much red meat I eat.

I don't consider hamburger red meat.

To me, red meat is I had a steak.

I have a burger.

I mean, it's, it's.

hey, it's not red after I'm done cooking it, you know?

Actually, it's not even true.

I like, I like all of it medium rare.

And what I've been told by E.

coli freaks, where they're like, look, you can have a steak medium rare.

That's a lot less of a risk because that's just one cow.

You know, you're rolling the dice.

It's like you bang one hooker.

without wearing a glove.

Oh, Jesus, Bill.

Right?

And then hamburger, though, it's like you banged Vietnam.

I don't know why I I picked Vietnam.

Some reason I went to fucking full metal jacket.

Hey, baby, you got GoFen Vietnam.

It's like you banged

a fucking country of that.

That's what hamburger is, because it's just a bunch of cows all fucking mulched together, right?

You have a steak, it's like you just fucked one cow.

That's what I'm trying to do, or a steer, I should say.

What's a steer?

Well, that's a bull without its balls, buddy.

Right to take off its fucking horns.

I don't know what it is.

Anyways, and if you have hamburger, that's like, you know,

you know, you're just Freddie Mercury running around fucking the whole free world.

Isn't that basically it?

I mean, I'm not, you know, I'm not, I don't know my way around the kitchen enough to know if that analogy worked or not, but I will say that I, let's just get back to the original point, okay?

What was the original point?

Yeah, I don't consider hamburger red meat, or was it that I'm not giving some fucking kid who lives in a chimney, I don't know why a chimney, You know?

You know what?

Seeing broke children is always sad unless they're white.

There's just something fucking funny.

But yeah, you know, I think it's just a relief as a white person that the guilt goes away.

You know, no, you know, anytime you see somebody from another race broke, you know, white people fucking pushed them out.

They put a Walmart down, right?

They put one of those derricks in there.

They started sucking all the fucking shit out of it.

You know, I wonder if people around the world, when they watch the beginning of the Beverly Hill Brillies, start crying, you know?

when they just see the white man, even like the first they're laughing, like, oh my God, it's toothless, broke white people, hilarious.

And even they discover oil and they get to keep it.

So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is.

I wonder if they cry.

When the children cry.

You know, nobody guessed the movie I was talking about.

I kept references.

We got problems with the family backish.

Anyways, let's plot.

Speaking of the...

The children cry.

That's white lion, everybody.

When the children cry was actually a hit.

That's how fucking off the rails music went at one point.

Little child,

try your crying yes.

I was like on the top 10.

I remember watching it.

I didn't give a fuck about that song, but I was like that lead guitarist out of all these fucking guys

trying to beat Eddie Van Halen.

I'm not saying this guy was, or trying to do the shit that Eddie did.

That fucking guy in White Lion, he came the closest.

You know, out of all the white bands, you know, the White Lions,

the fucking, who else was it?

It was White Lions, it was great white.

It was White Snake.

It was Adair Whitey.

It was a little-known all-white funk band.

Because that's what people used to yell when they wanted to.

I can't remember how it goes.

I don't know.

Anyway, speaking of children crying,

my condolences to

all the fans of the Washington Capitals.

And you know what happens when you hit the fucking wall for the third time?

When you win the president's trophy, you know, under two different presidents.

Okay?

When Obama brings you two and Donald Trump comes in with his tie hanging all the way down, his tie would still touch the ground even if he was wearing skates.

He comes walking into your locker room and he gives you that fucking trophy.

You know what?

You're on your second goddamn president.

You've left the ugliest uniforms in the history of the fucking game of hockey, possibly.

Definitely up there.

Those blue ones with that gold fucking eagle.

You know, it just looks like they put a stamp.

Like the

post office had a limited stamp thing, you know?

Then all those weird, fucking smelly people, you know.

who don't bathe collect stamps, you know?

And I'm not saying that, you know,

with all this stuff, like, what do you identify with a man or a woman, you know, being a man?

I don't, I'm a man, but I don't identify.

I just don't identify.

Can you imagine the fucking emptiness of that?

Every day waking up shaving, going, what the fuck is this?

I can't relate to this fucking beard on my face, man.

You know?

When are my tits going to come in?

I just, I can't imagine that, but whatever.

There's other people that can't, you know, they don't identify with other human beings.

Forget about they don't identify with their own gender.

There's another group of people that we all need to care about and wear a certain color on a certain day or maybe a ribbon for.

And these are people that can't identify with other people.

They just can't identify with human beings in general.

And these people collect stamps.

You know, they just sit in their room.

They're not bothering anybody.

Taking that big, giant fucking book off that shelf.

You know, blowing the dust off it.

Because they finally got the Washington Capitals fucking horrific jersey from the mid to early 2000s, whenever they had that.

It was that awful period.

That's right, in the NHL.

They added too many fucking teams and everybody changed their uniforms.

I should have put it all on the Capitals.

Washington, D.C., fucking horrific.

Thank God they went back to the red, white, and blue.

You know?

I mean, you are there in D.C.

for fuck's sakes, you know.

If anybody should have the color of the flag, it should be you guys.

You know, the Buffalo Sabres,

that fucking IHL horseshit they had,

you know, what did they put a sheep on the front?

It didn't even look like a bull anymore.

It was terrible.

Fucking terrible.

Props to them, by the way, when they finally admitted that they made a fucking mistake.

That was such a horrible period.

They had that strike that they lost a whole season of the NHL.

All right.

They added a bunch of fucking teams.

Too many goddamn teams.

They had the Atlanta Thrashers.

They had the fucking Florida Marlins.

Right?

That's right.

They played hockey first before they sucked so bad.

They were like, you know what?

Let's just fucking play baseball.

No, the Florida Panthers,

the Lightning, the Coyotes.

I think the North Stars moved down to become the stars.

At least they kept the kind of, they're all right because they kept the same fucking

uniforms.

Then, of course, they knocked down that stadium in Minnesota and they put up the Mall of America there.

That's so sad that, you know, the place where Dino Cicarelli smashed his stick over that fucking guy's head, you can now sit there standing there eating frozen yogurt without a care in the world.

You know?

Or was that a road game?

Anyways,

fuck am I talking about here?

Oh, that's right.

So then you had all these new teams in the NHL.

And then on top of that, all these teams that have been established all changed their fucking uniforms.

So you come back after the strike and you're just watching, like, dude, is this the fucking Olympics?

Well, actually, that's not true, because they started doing that in the 90s.

Because when the Sabres, the Sabres got fucked in 1999.

You know, back when you couldn't even have a fucking shoelace.

Tough like fucking shoe leather, that mozzarella.

Huh?

Who knows that one?

There's another obscure.

Tough like fucking shoe leather, that mozzarella.

Mozzarell, whatever the fuck you said, mozzarella.

Huh?

Who knows that one?

If you're religious, you might know that.

That's a hint.

The title has something religious, a religious figure in it.

And it's not Jesus Christ superstar.

That's the last hint I'm going to give you.

Yeah, the Sabres got fucking 1999.

Was it Brett Hull?

Was it fucking

Danny Mashburn?

I don't know who the fuck it was.

Joe Barry Carroll.

Who had their foot in the fucking crease?

I can't remember, but the whole year they're calling it until the biggest goal of the year, the one that decides the Stanley Cup classic NHL.

Yeah, that new rule that's been fucking everybody all year round.

Yeah, forget it.

We've decided to change the rule in overtime.

In the clinching game of the Stanley Cup playoffs.

That's how we do it.

That's right.

That's how we do it.

We take breaks every 20 minutes and we have rules, and all of a sudden, the rules go away.

So, anyways, my condolences to the city, to the District of Columbia, Capitol fans, man.

They fucking did it to you again.

You know, and you keep showing up because you're real fans.

And you know what's going to suck now?

They're going to dismantle the entire fucking team.

Hopefully, they keep Ovechkin.

You guys are out of your fucking minds if you get rid of him.

Are they going to blame it all on him?

Did you see that picture of his leg?

All fucking bruised up?

He looked like somebody tried to get information out of him and he wouldn't give it up, you know?

Fucking

veins sticking out.

Oh, my daughter's crying in there.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Now I feel like a bad dad, but Nia's in there, okay?

Nia's handling it.

Don't worry.

Can you hear that?

Yeah.

This is the time of night.

Like, she's so, like, wants to know everything that's going on that she does, she won't nap enough during the day.

And by the way, fuck all your suggestions.

I don't want to hear a million suggestions.

Put one of her shirts in the baths and that.

We've tried everything, okay?

It's just, you know, it's a phase she's going through.

And I am done listening to fucking people who are not wearing lab coats.

If you don't have a lab coat on and you don't have a fucking little degree hanging on a wall behind you, just keep your fucking ideas to yourself.

Okay?

The level of shit that parents talk, every fucking one of them has a goddamn cure for every fucking thing that happens.

Every one of them them just glided through fucking being a parent or figured it all out.

And for some stupid reason, they didn't cash in on it and write a book.

Why would you do that when you can just show up to somebody's house and vomit all your fucking ideas on them?

If any of your people's fucking ideas worked, you should put it in a book and go on the Oprah channel.

You guys can sit there holding each other's fucking hands as she tells you how amazing you are.

Instead of coming over here, boring me with it, and then I go and try it, you know.

Actually, you know what?

The shirt one worked.

The shirt one did work.

I will say that.

I shouldn't have fucking said that because a relative suggested it to me, and it was fucking great.

That's just the first thing that popped in my head.

I was actually thinking about somebody else that annoyed the shit out of me with something else trying to feed my kids solid food three months into her life.

Oh, no, it's fine.

It's fine.

Oh, God.

This is the danger of riffing because you end up shitting on the person you're not upset with.

Anyways, plowing ahead.

Where am I?

Oh, yeah.

Condolences.

You know, so I would definitely keep Ovechkin.

You got to build around the guy.

Build around the guy again and

get a coach with a neck.

And, you know,

maybe he can see if something was off size or not.

And he could throw the flag or whatever you do to challenge it instead of sitting there with his spine fused.

Somebody made the joke said that every coach in the NH in the NHL looks like a Bond villain.

And

it is true.

I got to go with that.

You know what I mean?

Although I would say that Claude Julian, Chloe Julian looks like that dude in the swamp thing that when he got turned into a monster became that little guy running around.

That was such a weird fucking movie where

I don't even remember the name of the movie.

The whole thing about the movie was there was this chick, and she had these giant fucking tits, and you were just waiting for her to go into the lake so they'd show a little side boob.

Now, this is the early 80s.

That was a big fucking thing when you were like 12 years old.

All right.

So, the deal with the swamp thing,

which is where I got that thing, I had problems with the family back east.

That's that's where it's from.

It's from the swamp thing.

I'm obviously fucking with you.

What am I talking about?

Oh, yeah, the swamp thing, right?

So, how that worked, he was, he was, I forget what happened, the guy was walking near a swamp, you know, the usual thing, and then a telephone pole falls into the fucking swamp, he gets electrocuted, and then he becomes the swamp thing.

And he's just strong as shit, and there's some fucking bad guy.

So, they figure out how he became the swamp thing.

So, then the bad guy wants

a swamp thing of himself, an army of swamp things.

So, whatever, he can take over all the swamps.

I don't remember, right?

So,

this fucking little weasel dude, he does the same thing and when he turns into a monster he's this little ass fucking weasely monster

so then the bad guy goes well how come he didn't turn into what you are and it says well you know when when you get electrocuted in the swamp and you turn into a swamp thing it just enhances your personality all right so if you're a fucking stud like me who even though i look like a swamp thing i can still bang that big-titted whore over there in the lake uh if you're a little weasily cunt you just become an ugly weasely cunt with like mud and leaves for skin

There you go, people.

And I, you know, I can't think of a better, sorry, just blew out your ears here.

I can't think of a better time to read a little bit of advertising.

What do you say there?

What do you say there?

What do we got here?

Oh, wait, I got to finish.

So, you know,

the only thing I can say to DC fans is when you finally fucking win it, it makes it all the sweeter.

Just going through all of this shit.

All right.

I watched the Bruins from about 79, 80, and I had to wait till like 2011.

So what's that?

89, 99, 2009.

I watched them for about 33 years.

All right.

And I know you guys, oh, wait, who is your fucking woman?

Oh, shut up.

Shut up.

All right.

You got all those monuments you can fucking walk around, can't you?

Cheer up.

Look at the wood.

The wizards forced a game seven.

I'll talk about that a little later after I read a couple of fucking advertisements here.

All right.

Oh, billy, billy, billy, billy.

Oh, billy, billy.

I got one more here.

Airline.

Oh, no, I I don't.

That was the last one.

Oh, this is this guy giving me shit about airline bumping.

Oh, he fucking went off on me.

He fucking put me in his place when he sat down at his goddamn keyboard.

I'll get to this in a minute.

I will get to this in a minute.

I like this guy who gives me shit about the airline bumping.

You know why?

Because there's very few people out there that defend the man.

All right?

Anybody can attack the man.

Every once in a while, it takes a fucking,

a fucking, I don't know, the internet version of that Clint Eastwood Spaghetti western guy coming to town with his little fucking Mike Tyson, his colorful Mike Tyson towel over his fucking head, right?

That's how broke Mike Tyson was when he was a boy, when he first started out.

He was like, I want to dress like Clint Eastwood.

They said, all right, we'll get you his underwear, his boots, and we'll get that little fucking,

that little shawl he puts over it, but you know, we can't afford to put any color on it.

You know?

And that's the kind of thing that leads you to bite somebody's ear off.

I'm just saying.

I'm not not trying to say that what he did was right, but I'm just saying I understand.

Hey, how you doing up there in Montreal, everybody?

Montreal, Canada.

How's things going up there?

You enjoying the fucking offseason?

God knows you're going to have enough time to come and see me in June.

This is what I'm loving about the Predators, all right?

Although they seem like they're losing right now, I'm taping the game, but I'll fuck, I'll fuck myself over here and I'll just look it up right now.

Oh, look at that.

The little time trial thing.

Are you you going to fucking load for me?

I think the ducks were up five to two or five to three.

How fucking weird are these playoffs this year?

You know?

Anyways, now you know I always give you guys shit about the curse of Patrick Waugh.

You humiliated that guy.

I mean what you guys did to him when you watch like

horror movies, you know what I mean?

When somebody like, you know, thinks they're prom queen and then you dump a bunch of blood on them or they think that they're going to go make a wish in a well, and then their mother pushes them to the bottom of it.

You know what I mean?

They think they're going to, you know,

all of that shit.

All of that shit, right?

Somebody drowns in a fucking lake.

You guys did the hockey version of that to Patrick Waugh.

You know, he thought you guys loved him.

That's it.

It was like Carrie.

He came out there, you know, has one fucking bad game.

You won't pull him.

You leave him in there.

You fucking do a mock cheer when this guy who redefined the position,

first ballot Hall of Famer, continuing the tradition of winning fucking Stanley Cups, you know, and he won it during the real era when there was like 30 fucking teams, 28 teams.

Not all those cups the Canadians and Maple Leafs won back in the day when it wasn't even the state, it was like a fucking shot glass.

You ever see him skating around with the thing?

Looks like a fucking baton,

you know,

before it became that giant goddamn thing.

Anyways, they booed him out of town.

So ever since then, there's been the curse of Patrick Waugh.

And I think the next fucking part, the next chapter of the curse, okay, is PK Subon.

You know, you know what they did.

They ran him out of fucking team.

You ran that guy out of town.

Now this wasn't your fans.

I think it was the organization.

I also think it's because I'm a Bruins fan and I just love giving you guys shit because what am I going to do?

Talk about championships?

You guys are going to destroy me.

So, this is this little fucking little thorn I could put in the underneath your fucking elephant foot here.

All right?

What PK was a fucking great dude, and he gave too much money to that children's hospital, and he started becoming bigger than the Canadians, and the Canadians couldn't fucking handle it.

Like when Kobe couldn't handle Shaq, and he said, look, either he goes or I go.

And they said, okay, Kobe.

And they sent Shaq to Miami, and then he won a fucking title there, right?

And then they had to bring Phil Jackson back and another 50,000 fucking free agents as they always fucking do.

You know,

I just give Kobe shit for the first, the first three rings.

Get the fuck out of here.

The last two, I'll give you those, you know?

Even with the officiating in that second time you played the Celtics.

Hey, let's call fucking 38 fouls on one team and 17 on the other.

That makes for a good game seven, doesn't it?

Not saying that we would have won, but it would have been nice to see the Lakers beat the Celtics that year.

Just saying.

Anyways, plowing plowing ahead.

So now the Predators are up one to nothing against the fucking Emilio Esteves.

The Sheens, whatever the fuck you call them down there.

The Mighty Sheens,

the Anaheim Esteves,

the Mighty Ducks.

I don't like the Ducks.

I don't like the Ducks.

Don't give a fuck.

I just don't like them.

Okay?

I don't like the Honda Center.

Okay?

You go there, there's no fucking vibe.

There's no vibe in Anaheim.

It's just a fucking, it's just, I don't know what it is.

It's just a strange goddamn place.

Anaheim is fucking weird.

This whole fucking LA area is weird.

Like, people weren't supposed to live here.

You know what I mean?

They weren't supposed to fucking live here.

It's a fucking desert.

We steal water.

The whole thing's weird.

But at least, you know, there's cool shit to look at.

You know.

Except when you go to Anaheim, I don't know what you look at.

All right?

And you go down there, there's no fucking vibe.

Maybe it's better.

I went to a Ducks game in the late 90s.

They were still early, right?

They were still the mighty ducks.

They still had Donald Duck with the broken bill in the front.

Isn't that what they had for their logo?

I don't know.

So, anyways,

what if

PK leads the Nashville Predators

to a Stanley Cup championship this year?

I'm just throwing that out there for everybody up there on St.

Catherine Street, you know, with your cute little pocket squares that matches the color of your socks.

You know?

What What the fuck are you going to do then?

Nashville, that banjo playing fucking washboard down by the fucking river.

You ever been to Nashville?

I mean, half the structures there still have dirt floors.

It's unfucking,

it's ridiculous.

You know?

Like when they went this day, when they went to Nashville this year, and they were like, you know, who you voting

for for president?

They were like, I'll tell you one thing, I ain't voting for Lincoln.

He wants the freed slaves.

That's how backward Nashville is.

You know, I know there's all this shit out there saying it's this growing city, you know, and they're trying to get people to move there.

The reason why they're trying to do that is because so many of the structures still have dirt floors.

Okay, now if he can go down there,

all right,

and fucking lead them.

to the Stanley Cup, the big boy Stanley Cup, not that little shot glass that you and you and fucking Toronto won like fucking 15 times each, you know?

I'll give the Canadians their last 10 cups, but I look at them like, I can't even say they're equal to Detroit because Detroit was back then when it was a shot glass.

You know, sort of a fancy shot glass.

Anyways,

I'm just fucking with you.

I have no idea how the fucking Predators are in the finals.

The Western Conference finals, what the Ducks, and then the Ottawa Senators.

What the fuck is going on with that?

When is the glass slipper going to turn back into a fucking pumpkin?

I'm telling you, if Ottawa goes any deeper into the playoffs, they're actually going to sell out a home game.

This is unbelievable.

Did you see the first game of the Rangers?

They had 2,000 of the Rangers Series, they had 2,000 empty seats.

That's because they stopped playing the Bruins.

You know what I mean?

And the Bruins were just close enough to Ottawa that that shuttle flight wasn't too expensive.

You know?

Then they played the Rangers, and God knows Rangers fans, all those fucking Manhattan cunts, they got the money to fly up to Ottawa, but they're New Yorkers.

Why would I, they got boar's head, they got a slice of cheese, why would I travel?

Look over there, it's the Empire State Building.

Oh,

that's what New Yorkers are.

They're fucking

like country people.

You don't have to be lonely, fucking skanks in the fucking five boroughs.

I am in an extra county mood and I am just trashing people that I have no right to trash, okay?

My team is not in the playoffs.

Okay?

My team has not won as many championships as the fucking Canadians.

My city doesn't have as many skyscrapers as New York City.

Hey, don't fuck with my city.

You just fuck with the wrong city.

I had problems with the family back east.

If you touch my family, I'll fucking kill you.

Those lines will never get old in Hollywood.

You know what's another fucking hacky thing?

I'm so sick of every other fucking show doing the speed dating fucking scene.

How many times can you do that?

And one fucking lunatic after, I mean, it's not that bad.

Jesus fucking Christ.

People showing up with like half an axe in their side of their head.

People living with their mother, the person who's actually gay, pretending to be straight, the fucking psych.

I mean, Eddie Murphy did this shit fucking in coming to America in 1989.

Jesus Christ, why don't you just have somebody come in and slip on a banana peel and then get a pie in their face and then do the dating thing?

Hey, Bill, if you're so talented, why don't you come up with something new?

Because I'm limited.

All right, I never said I fucking, I would reinvent something.

All right.

Unfortunately, I have to take a little bit of break, and I'm on a nice little roll here.

I'm on a nice little roll here, but

I got something I got to take care of, which is why I'm doing this at nine o'clock on a Sunday.

You know, but why do I need to tell you guys?

Because this is only going to be a fucking second of your life.

All right.

Hang on, hang on a moment.

Okay, I'm back.

I'm back, and I am as illiterate as ever.

All right, you want to listen to somebody just fucking tearing me a new one here?

So I was talking about fucking United Airlines and Delta and them just yanking people off of flights and like what happened to customer service and all of this type of, you know, I felt felt guilty flying United.

The way they just dragged that Chinese dude off the plane or the dude going to China, just assuming he was Chinese,

Asian, you can give me that, right?

Who knows?

Who knows?

They hit him so fucking hard.

I don't know.

You know, fucking

fucking, anyways.

Airline bumping, he said.

He says, hey, you uninformed cunt.

And I'll tell you, nothing makes the reader want to read more when you just start off with the insults.

He said, Congress and the passengers Bill of Rights have led to more passengers getting bumped due to more cancellations.

And do you think he gives any examples?

No, he just moves on to his next point.

Also, if people showed up for the flights they booked, the airlines wouldn't be overbooked.

Many passengers book multiple flights.

How about if you buy so you're just assuming that the guys that they're yanking off the flights, that those people,

I don't do that.

I buy one fucking ticket and I show up, that's how I do it.

So you're telling me that that Chinese dude or that other fucking person on Delta, you're telling me that those are those people?

So they said, hey, you booked like 20 flights, you only showed up for one.

Hey, get out of that fuck.

I said, get out of there.

You're telling me that's what happened?

Or are you telling me that because other people do that,

because the guilty people did it, that United and Delta is now just going to grab some random innocent person and throw them off the fucking flight.

I heard the reason why they did it was because they had another plane that they had to get a flight crew to, and they just fucking yanked the guy off.

That has nothing to do with that other shit, as far as I know.

But I hate, what am I?

I'm just an uninformed cunt.

Evidently, you who just, like me, just make statements with no fucking evidence behind it.

All right, plowing ahead.

He goes, How about if I buy a ticket for a flight and miss it for whatever reason?

You lose it?

Question mark?

Is that how you run your shows?

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Was that a point?

How about if I buy a ticket for a flight and miss it for whatever reason?

Comma, you lose it?

Oh, how about if you, yeah, I don't have a problem with that.

I don't have a fucking problem with that at all.

I'm on the same page.

I hate when I show up on time for the security line and somebody else shows up super late and then they get rewarded and get breezed through the fucking line like they're in that T, like they're part of the TSA party.

They're the pre-check people.

Dude, you're bringing up all this other shit that has nothing to do with a fucking just somebody who bought a ticket and sits on the plane.

I drive a car, other people steal cars.

Should I be yanked out of of my fucking car because other people are stealing cars?

This makes no sense.

I might be an uninformed cunt, but you are a pompous, arrogant, uninformed cunt.

And I could say that because I'm in show business and you know we're all down to earth.

All right, let me read some more of your air quote points.

All right,

is that how you run your shows?

No, I don't run my shows like that.

You know, this is my fucking, this is how I run my fucking show.

I don't have anybody kicked out ever.

you can be the biggest cunt ever I kicked the first fucking person out in 10 years

because he was so fucking drunk I'm a hell of a guy I don't give a fuck I'm a great guy when it comes to that shit how dare you lump me in with United Airlines and Delta

you you you you hateful so-and-so

all right let me let me at least finish this point here is that how you run your shows or if someone buys a ticket to your show and misses it due to traffic leaving the house late etc Do you honor their ticket to the next show?

I will tell you this.

I've had plenty of people fucking reach out to me and I have hooked plenty of people up with tickets.

Okay?

How about that?

Has everyone reached out to me?

Have I seen every fucking email?

No, but I hook people up.

I've run into fucking people walking down the street, driving by in a car going, oh, fuck, I didn't know you're done.

Hey, can I go to the show?

I'm like, it's all sewed up.

Oh, fuck.

I go, fuck it.

What's your name?

I've done that countless times.

So there you go, sir.

I don't know what you're talking about.

So the equivalent to that is I fucking pull up and stand outside the gates of the airport, go, hey, you guys flying to Minneapolis?

Yes, sir, we are.

Could I

buy a ticket?

Sorry, it's all sold out.

Oh, bummer.

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry.

We'll get you on the plane.

And then they fucking yank someone.

They yank somebody off.

I don't know.

Why'd they pick the Asian guy?

Huh?

Why couldn't they pick some fucking white dude in a suit?

You know why.

You know why.

All right.

Leaving the house late.

Okay.

Well, that is what the airlines do if you miss a flight.

They put you on another one.

So fuck off, you non-reading, pigment-impaired cunt.

That's not what they do.

That's what they do sometimes.

Other times they yank you off the plane.

Other times they tell you to go fuck yourself.

Other times they say, hey, you have 200,000 miles.

You can't use them when you want to use them.

And if you don't use them by next Wednesday, we're taking them all back.

Other times they say, hey, we're just charging extra because it's post-9-11.

We lost all this money.

We're just charging for food.

But eventually we'll fucking stop overcharging.

We'll stop charging for this shit for all the money that we lost in 9-11, which, you know, we're now going to pass on to our fucking customers.

So they take the hit.

when was fucking 9-11 I know I'm an uninformed cunt as far as my calculations we're coming up on the 16th anniversary this September you're still paying for Pringles aren't you

sir I'm all for defending the fucking man when it's when it's for I mean I don't know what you you just fucking

you just brought up a bunch of

I guess behavior by frequent flyer people so then evidently I should get yanked off a plane at some point because other people overbook and shit

you know what you you're the kind of person that probably likes that that uh what do they call it the trap ride or the trick car whatever that fucking show is you probably like that show you probably think that that's a good fucking show right

that show i can't even believe that fucking show is on television for the it's on true tv

who should change their name to fucking horrific tv

They fucking, they drive down to like the fucking projects

and they leave a car with the door open, keys in it running, and then they wait for someone to fucking steal it.

And then they act like they got a bad guy off the fucking street.

And I was reading comments underneath the, you know, I love that they're going to go out of their fucking way

to go down there and try to get someone to go to jail.

Why don't you go down there and try to help somebody out?

I saw one guy, he actually stole the fucking car.

He knew it was the trap car or whatever.

He's driving with the door open because he knows that they just locked, they fucking hit the lock so you can't get get out.

And he's saying he knows it's a trap car.

He's waving to the camera and all that.

They asked him if he knew it was a trap car, why did you do it?

He said, I don't know.

Maybe I just want to get on TV.

And then he laughed.

And everybody's like, that guy's crazy.

I want to party with that guy.

That guy's up dope or anything.

To me, it was fucking depressing.

Like, that's the level of options this guy has in his fucking life that he would do something like that.

And somebody else brought up a great point.

Okay?

Like, why don't they take that car around the fucking suburbs to the white cul-de-sacs?

Why don't they do that?

And everybody's like, oh, it's simple, because white kids don't steal cars.

The fuck they don't.

They absolutely do.

And I'll tell you, there's a point in my fucking life I would have done that.

I absolutely would have done that just for the stupid fucking, just to have the story so I could talk about it loudly around chicks that I liked because I didn't know any other way to approach them.

If they ever did that in a fucking suburb, And a bunch of white kids started going to jail over that shit, that shit would not, there would be entrapment, it wouldn't be held up in court, and the fucking show would be shut down.

All I'm saying, okay?

You, sir, you probably like that type of shit.

You probably like that show.

And you think that's a good show.

And hey, let's, let's, you know, rather than giving this guy an opportunity, you know, they could just as easily couldn't True TV have a fucking show where they go down there and they try to give somebody a fucking job.

You know?

I don't know.

Anyways, plowing ahead.

Making your own baby food.

A Billy Burp

had my first kid a couple years ago.

Congratulations.

A friend suggested we make our own baby food because it's easier to get them to transition to real and healthy foods.

We tried it and it was fun.

Friend suggested we make our own baby food because it's easier to get them to transition.

Okay, all right.

We couldn't, there's another fucking guy, no lab coat, no degree.

We couldn't do it 100% of the time, but it was totally worth it.

My kid isn't that picky of an eater, and I like to

think that days of pulverizing fruits, vegetables, and oats into tasty meals.

Oh, it's because of that.

I'm sure you can afford the good stuff for the little lady, but just thought I'd throw it out there.

Thanks and go fuck yourself.

Yeah, I don't know, dude.

I don't know what to tell you.

I'll cross that fucking road when I get.

Everybody's always like, you know, got all these goddamn suggestions.

There was somebody fucking, you know,

everybody talking about like private schools versus public schools.

It's like these fucking kids, they don't even get to be kids anymore.

They should be out fucking, you know.

This whole fucking thing that, you know, from day one, like, you just got to be like, you've seen what it does.

Look,

in these countries that fucking push their kids too hard,

they have like ulcerated fucking bottles.

Like they've been working on fucking Wall Street for 60 goddamn years and they're like seven.

The level of stress that they put on them.

Fuck that.

My kid's going to be a goddamn kid.

All right.

I flugged everything fucking in high school.

I fucked up everything.

I got arrested for drinking and driving.

I was unloading trucks.

I did all of this shit.

And then one day I just figured out, what the fuck do I, what do I want to do?

You know?

I found a passion and I followed it and I was fine.

And I remember back in the day, they used to fuck, oh, you need two years of a language.

If you don't have two years of a fucking language, you can't blah, blah, blah.

It's all fucking bull.

You know who used to say that?

The fucking language teacher.

Fuck everybody.

Fuck everybody.

Let your kid be a goddamn kid and fuck all these fucking private schools with their nine zillion dollar fucking you know oh you better get in when the kids are just playing with blocks the earlier you you get in the better chance you have for your kid to continue on in other words start lining our pockets now

you know why don't you just have i don't know wouldn't it be cheaper to just have your kid homeschooled you're gonna drop all that cash like he's already going to yale

And then fucking going to school and they're going, the wheels on the bus go round and round, round, and that'll be enough yeah the credit card didn't work yeah I can't teach you the rest of the song all right birthday boat party

hey Bill you bald-headed eagle

Jesus going fucking old school on that one um

hey you chiseler hey you sidewinder uh recently my girlfriend dumped me over a text message

I swear to God, if that existed back in the day, I would fucking be lighting phones up.

If that wasn't bad enough, I got the text just as I was walking into a movie with a buddy.

She told me straight that she didn't love me anymore.

I took it like a man, watched the movie, went home, and cried like a bitch.

Honest guy.

Two days later, I went to a party on a boat.

I spotted my now ex.

We made eye contact and she looked away.

So now I'm trapped on a boat for four hours.

You didn't know that she was going to be there with a bunch of drunk cunts I don't want to be around, and of course, her.

I made an attempt to ask her why the fuck she didn't have the balls to dump me face to face, but she ignored me totally.

Ah, she's young and immature.

I then saw her walk over to a guy and start kissing him.

Jesus Christ.

I commend you, sir, for not throwing yourself and them also overboard.

A fucking double murder/slash suicide.

Bill, I have no fucking idea I didn't punch this cunt, but I decided not to.

I now wish I had punched his stupid fucking face.

And my question is, what should I have?

Should I have done something?

Fuck no.

Why are you punching him?

He's doing what he's supposed to be doing.

He's supposed to be out there trying to fucking hook up with women.

All right?

Any bad feelings you have should be towards her.

But here's the thing, dude.

You know, in the long run, she did you a favor because she didn't love you.

Okay, and eventually she could have done that while you had two kids with her and you actually had to pay her fucking money.

She did you a favor.

All right?

Yeah, don't ever do that.

That's the dumbest shit ever.

When people fucking date somebody and then they get dumped and then they're fucking dating somebody else, I mean, and then you go over and you confront the other fucking person.

They're outside the circle.

You know?

So

what should you have done?

You should have just been a fucking gentleman.

That's what you should have done.

You just be a fucking gentleman just be like, hey, you know, evidently, you know, she doesn't want to be with me anymore.

I mean, dude, I know, listen, I got dumped.

I know how fucking hard this is.

I remember one time

I actually fucking was talking to somebody, hard on the table, this woman dumped me out of fucking nowhere.

And I'm in a bar, of course.

And I'm talking to a buddy of mine.

And the problem was he got dumped like four years earlier.

And he still wasn't over it.

And he fucking hated women.

So this is who I'm pouring my heart out to.

And

I was like, you know, I mean, I thought everything was going fine.

What the fuck?

And I did all that shit.

And he just goes, hey, you know, I don't know.

Maybe she wanted to fuck somebody else.

And I just said, you know what?

I said, you know what?

Fuck you.

I actually flipped out.

I was like, fuck you,

that has nothing to fucking do with this.

That has to do with that fucking shit, that fucking cunt you dated four fucking years ago.

You're still not over.

And I've been having to fucking carry you off the field like Kellen Winslow after that fucking overtime game for the last out of every fucking bar for the last four years.

You can't sit here.

He's like, dude, I'm sorry.

He's like, I go, fuck off.

I just brought up a bad memory.

Actually, did I say that?

That's probably what I said on the way home.

I think I said that on the way home.

I think I just said fuck you when I walked out of the bar.

That's right.

That's what happened.

That's how old I am.

I'm so old, my memory is the fantasy.

My memory is what I should have said.

I did say fuck you.

And I walked out.

He's like, oh, no.

And I just fucking walked up.

One of the few times I didn't pay for my round of beers.

I was just like, fuck you.

Walked out.

Anyways, he said, hope you're well.

Thanks and go fuck yourself.

Dude, you took it like a man.

What are you going to do?

And,

you know.

Keep taking it like a man and keep going home in private and cry it out of you.

That's what women do.

Fucking, they cry it out of them and then they can move on.

The fact that she dumped you and then, of course, is immediately making out with this guy is really suspect, but you never know with them.

You never know.

That could have just, she could have just picked that guy

because you were there.

You have no fucking idea.

And here's the thing, dude.

Even if she was already banging that fucking douche while making out with that douche when she was with you, then that's the kind.

That's who you were with.

So good fucking riddance.

All right?

That's what you had.

You thought you drafted somebody in the first round that didn't fucking work out.

And you know what?

That guy just picked up her contract for you.

You know?

So now you got all this cap space.

All right.

Go cry her out of your fucking heart.

You know, but don't go around hating women.

That's what I did.

Big fucking mistake.

All that does is stop you from meeting a fucking sweetheart.

Because you know who loves an angry woman hater?

A fucking psycho chick.

All right?

There you go.

All right.

Russian girlfriend.

Hey, Billy Blue Balls.

Hey, man, hey, man, I was wondering if you could give me some advice.

I'm a 27-year-old from New Zealand and current resident and current,

oh, Jesus.

And currently residing is what you should have said.

Instead of current residing here.

Current resident here.

Currently residing here.

Okay.

I've met and recently started dating a girl from Russia.

We've been officially dating for about five months now.

Everything is going great.

Never been happier.

Hey, if she ever asks you to take a boat ride, don't get on the fucking boat, all right?

And I'm not talking about because of the last thing.

All right, that's when you show up.

There's a couple other shifty guys there, and then your identity gets stolen, and we never see you again.

All right, she's hot.

Best in bed I've ever had, and I've had a lot.

Ha ha.

Got a great personality, and someone I could see going further into the future with.

Okay, well, you're writing me, so I know the other shoe is gonna drop.

The only issue is that her visa is about to run out in a few months.

Oh,

before she moves back,

unless

she can find a decent job here.

The only issue with that

is the job market over here for the type of work she is after is very small.

A translator.

We've been checking the job sites and whatnot over the past month with not much luck.

So I've put up the idea of maybe heading over to Russia and try to start a life over there.

Oh no, fuck no.

But that's a great way to see if she's with you because she wants to be with you though.

My qualification can take me anywhere in the world, but I'm still skeptical on,

well, should I just uplift my whole life and move to a country that doesn't really speak much English, apparently, with my girlfriend that I've only known for a few months, plus not knowing much Russian.

Yeah, plus you don't know how that country fucking works.

Alright?

You have no idea how that fucking country works, dude.

You're talking like you're dealing with the fucking mob.

Hang on one second.

All right, sorry.

I just realized I double booked myself.

I had to fucking figure something out.

Yeah, dude, you have no idea like what's going on over there?

Like, that's a whole different fucking animal over there.

That's a whole different government.

The level of influence that the mob has.

I mean, that shit is fucking hardcore over there.

Russia is no joke.

Where the fuck did you say you were coming from?

You're going from New Zealand to Russia and you give the garden to eaten.

Fuck that, dude.

Fuck that.

Fuck that.

Fuck that.

Get her a job interview.

They'll see how beautiful she is.

And, you know,

do what you can fucking do.

Dude, fuck that.

Fuck that.

Repeat, fuck that.

I'm not even reading the rest of this.

Fuck that.

Do not move from fucking New Zealand to Russia.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Do not do that.

Please don't do that.

Okay?

I never beg in the podcast, but I'm begging you right now.

Do not fucking do that.

Jesus, you're going to go from the fucking Garden of Eden to the, now you're the immigrant.

Now she's trying to get you a fucking job.

You know?

What kind of money are you going to make over there?

i got no fucking idea fuck that all right soccer coach rips off shirt after ejection hey billy dad sack

oh that was as original as billy bald eagle was uh not all right saw this video and thought it might interest you During a recent soccer game, an Argentinian player accidentally knocks a player out from the other team and ends up getting ejected from the game as a result.

After he gets ejected, the coach freaks out.

Yeah, I watched the clip, starts yelling at the refs, then he gets ejected.

So when he realizes that he's also ejected, he rips his shirt off only to reveal, and he's an older guy too, you know, I don't know, I can't tell how old the guy is, somewhere between 40 and 50.

Rips his shirt off only to reveal

that not only is this dude fucking shredded, but also his whole back is covered in tattoos, making him look like he spends his free time going to bare knuckle brawling down by the shipyard.

Thanks for all the laughs and go fuck yourself.

Yeah,

I watched the clip of this.

This guy looks like

this guy looks like he's done some time in prison.

What's amazing is the rest of his body that you can see, he has no tattoos.

And then on the back, it's just like, I don't know what the fuck he's got going on, but his entire back is covered.

And it's all of those, you know,

you know, if you touch my family, I will fucking kill you.

It's those kinds of tattoos.

It's not the, I was in a frat and I got drunk one night and, or this is my old girlfriend's name and we fucking turned it into a swan or whatever the fuck they do.

This is like hardcore.

You know, this guy's going to punch you in the throat.

It's a great clip.

I really appreciate it.

All right.

Let me make sure I did everything here.

Russian girlfriend, do not stay in New Zealand.

Birthday boat party.

yep, you got a lot of cap space, good for you.

Making your own baby food,

you know, I'll see about that.

Airline bumping, hey, agree to disagree, but I like the fact that you went out there and stuck up for the airlines.

And I think that's it.

I read all the things, right?

Oh, I didn't talk about the F1 race, motherfucker.

Did you guys watch it?

I know after Nia's just absolutely eviscerated watching racing.

I hope if you were going to watch a race, the Spanish Grand Prix was a great one.

Lewis Hamilton had the poll.

Sebastian Vettel,

I think, was yeah, was in the second position.

And then Boris Karloff, whoever, I can't keep forgetting his name, fucking Lewis Hamilton's

driving mate there.

His fucking car caught on fire.

But the first guy, the other guy who drives for Ferrari, whatever the fucking his, whatever his name is.

Ricky Ricardo, I can't remember.

No, Daniel Ricardo drives for Force India.

No, he doesn't.

He drives for Red Bull.

Why don't I just fucking go on and look up the goddamn names?

Because most of you guys don't watch this shit.

So you don't know.

You don't know.

You guys know as much as I fucking know.

So here's what happened.

All right?

The race starts.

And

what's his face?

Lewis Hamilton, as always, gets a bad fucking start.

Sebastian Vettel goes around him.

Vettel drives the Ferraris.

Lewis Hamilton's with Mercedes.

Vettel is out in front.

I don't know know how many fucking points he was ahead.

He was like 15 points ahead of some shit.

And in the old days, last year, when I've only watched it for a year, the old days, which is Monaco of last year when I started watching,

if you went to the turn first, whoever

got through the first turn first, in first place, drove in the clean air, that was it.

You won the fucking race, unless you messed up a pit stop or your car shit the bed.

So he gets out in front.

And then his buddy there,

the other Ferrari guy, gets knocked out of the race, okay?

And they fucking

cut to this kid in the stands wearing this Ferrari thing.

Where are the drivers?

Why is it so difficult, drivers?

Here we go.

Here we go.

I should have had this all ready to go.

I'm sorry.

I'm like slowing this the fuck down.

The Rakernen guy gets knocked right out of the race.

And this little fucking kid, they cut to him.

He's wearing all Ferrari gear and he's just crying his eyes out.

And they're sitting there going, Well, like Fettle's still in first place.

Well, he must have been a big

Rakinen fan, however the fuck you say his name.

And they showed him twice, bawling his eyes out.

I couldn't believe a kid this little was that into racing.

I thought it was really cool.

And later on, the driver got knocked out of the race for Ferrari.

They actually brought the kid in and he took a picture with him and everything.

So it ended up being a good deal.

Although he probably cried again when Lewis Hamilton went around him.

But anyways, it was a great race from front to back.

These new fucking tires, I guess, I have no idea why.

They got more grip.

There's more passing.

Lewis Hamilton passed

Sebastian Vettel, I think, on like lap, like it's like 20 laps to go, which never happened last year.

The second place guy just could never get around the first place guy once he was out there.

I don't know.

It was a great race.

And then Lewis Hamilton, for some reason, was like fucking out of breath when he was talking because they were saying because they got the fatter tires, they could pull more G's and like just the physically what the fuck they were going through.

And Lewis Hamilton didn't have any drinks on board.

I didn't know they had drinks on board.

I never even dawned on me, but he didn't want to add any more weight to his car.

So he lost like four and a half pounds.

So there you go.

You know, that actually, you know, there's people out here in Hollywood that have enough money now that the day before they have to go to like a red carpet event, they're going to fucking, you know, drive around in a fucking race car for three hours so they can drop that final fucking four and a half pounds I'm telling you it's gonna happen so I believe the next next race is in Monaco

I don't know I'm enjoying watching it Nia's got me all self-conscious about talking about it now I'm gonna blame her that I wasn't prepared to talk about it

was there anything else on my my little list here

For those you nerds always wanted to you riff the whole thing?

Pretty much.

Pretty much.

But I make like a set list of shit I want to talk to if I can fucking find it.

Who the hell is it?

I give up.

I fucking give up with this shit.

What did I have on here?

I don't know what that is.

We'll close this window.

This is the most anticlimactic ending to a podcast ever.

All right.

I said Predators, Louis Hamilton, Sebastian Vel, Daniel Ricardo, first time he was on a podium this year.

Oh, had to give a shout-out.

To Force India, still rocking the fuchsia, whatever color that is.

I think that was it.

Oh, happy Mother's Day, belated Mother's Day to all the mothers out there.

Had a great time, went to brunch.

Yep, that's where I am right now.

I went to brunch.

My parents came out, met their granddaughter.

They're over the moon, loving her.

She was so cute and was just,

didn't cry at all the whole meal.

And then she got in the car, and then that was it.

She had friggin' had it.

and was just crying up a storm.

But we ended up having a great day.

And I came home and I was

it was crazy.

You know, I've just finally entered this part of my life.

You know, my parents are older, I got a little one, I'm at brunch,

and I have no say in the matter.

And you know what?

It feels good.

I had a great time, you know, we had all kinds of family, had a big crew, seven or eight people,

and uh, we went to this fucking insane brunch, and everybody threw down

and

had like 3,000 calories each.

Great conversation, great people.

It was just, it was awesome.

All kinds of pictures and that type of shit.

And other than the fact, I forgot my fucking wallet because I decided to wear a suit and I was going to be the big shot picking up the fucking check and I had to go to my parents.

So now, now, you know, in a few days when I take him to the airport, I got to give him the fucking money back.

But oh, God, it was embarrassing.

Really embarrassing.

So, anyways, that was my Mother's Day.

Go fuck yourselves.

I will check in on you on Thursday.

and let's go Predators.

And I don't know.

I mean, I got a bunch of friends.

You know what?

In Pittsburgh, I'm just rooting for extra hockey at this point.

I hope both series go seven games.

I don't want to be this little fucking Cunty Gargoyle shitting on the ducks.

I don't want to fucking do that.

You know, why do I got to bring up the Predators success and then shit on Canadians fans?

You know, all their pocket squares are all soaking wet from them blowing their noses and crying about losing to the Rangers.

I don't need to do that.

Not to mention, I have no bragging rights.

My team got fucking bounced out.

You know, I'm going to try to be, I'm going to try to go cuntless

for the rest of the Stanley Cup playoffs.

How about that?

Celtics first to whiz.

He's on down.

He's on down the road tomorrow.

My brain says it could go either way, but my heart says there's no fucking way.

There's no way they come in.

to the garden, even though it's not the garden.

It's the fleet set up

at the garden, fucking slash, whatever, fucking

Gossett Jr., whatever other fucking tags they have for that thing.

And I just don't see them doing it.

I feel like, you know what it is?

The Celtics, they got that sound in their crowd the same way the old Yankee Stadium had it.

You know, knowledgeable fans with a history of success and that can push your team to fucking win.

And I think they're going to do it.

Oh, by the way, Derek Jeter, huh?

I missed it.

I was at brunch.

I missed it.

But that's, what a fucking class act, man.

He's such a class act.

He can go into New York and wing a speech and still kill it.

That's it, man.

They're out of single numbers.

Let's see if I can do it.

Billy Martin, number one.

Number two, Derek Jeter, number three.

Babe Ruth, number four.

I always fucked this up.

That's Garrick.

Five is DiMaggio.

And six, I looked up today because that's the one I always forgot.

But they said it was Joe Torrey, but I thought somebody else had six.

Seven's Mickey Mantle.

Number eight is fucking

Yogi Baron, somebody else.

Nine is Roger Maris.

Ten is Chris Shambliss.

Eleven is Gary Sheffield.

I don't know the rest of them.

Thurman Munson's 15.

Who else do I remember?

Reggie Jackson, they had to retire his.

That was 44.

Bo Diaz, what number?

What are you at?

30?

I don't fucking know.

All right, that's it.

That's the podcast.

I will, I will check in on you Thursday, and uh, God bless all the mothers out there

who work with the family back east.

All right, I'm done.

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