Little Italy, Redheads, Hair Transplants | Monday Morning Podcast 5-12-25

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Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 12th,

2025.

What's going on?

Hawaii,

what is going on, huh?

What's going on?

I always ask that, you know, but then sometimes you have to wonder, Bill, do you really feel it when you say it every Monday?

Or is it just like just something you say?

And that's really what I want to talk to you guys about today.

You know, how many things are we saying today that we used to mean, and now we just say it because we say it?

You know, Jesus told the Corinthians one time, God bless you.

And he stopped for a second.

He's like, you know, I wasn't even thinking about my dad when I said that or your leprosy.

You know, I think it's time I stopped making these people wash my dirty feet.

Maybe I think about what's coming out of my fucking hippie face every once in a while.

I mean, who the hell do I think?

Hey, get your hands off me.

Get your hands off me.

And that's the story of Jesus.

Well, the beginning of the end, anyways.

They left that part out of the Bible.

You know?

It'd be funny if when the Romans got him, he acted like that.

Remember that really eloquent old guy that was let out by the cops?

Unhand me, you

oh, torture.

You know, can you write a religious book without it?

I have no idea.

Anyway.

Although somebody lately has been telling me some of these stories in the Bible, they're always like

confusing.

And then you ask the question, and the person answers a few.

And then they always inevitably tap out when they can't answer the questions.

They just go, well, you know, some of the things God is going to answer when, you know, he comes back, or

these are things that are not for us to know.

Well, then, why would you bring it up?

For the ambiguity.

Did I say that word right?

The ambiguousness.

That was a failed pilot I did for MTV.

We were trying to come up with something to go on right after ridiculousness, ambiguousness, and they just thought it was too vague.

Oh, Jesus.

A dad joke right out of the fucking gate.

Did you really deserve that?

Hey, listen, man.

Hey, listen.

Hey, listen, man.

Hey, listen, man.

I don't want any fights.

But what movie was that?

That was Boys in Company C.

Remember that?

They had the

Latino drill sergeant, and he got in that hippie's face.

And he goes, The hippie just, he's like screaming at him, telling that he's a piece of shit,

queers and stares, all of that stuff.

And And then the hippie dude goes,

he goes, hey, listen, man.

And the Joe Sergeant goes, hey, listen, man.

And the hippie and

listed guy goes,

I don't want to fight, man.

You know, I'm a peaceful guy.

And the sergeant goes, yeah, it's great.

You know,

maybe one day we get engaged, we got married.

And then the guy goes, oh, hey, man, I ain't saying it like that.

And he goes, if you don't get your chip together.

Oh my God.

I saw that movie like once on Cinemax, like 40 years ago.

How the fuck did that just come out?

I'll tell you why, because I haven't had my goddamn coffee this morning.

Might have to hit pause and make this here.

I might.

Oh shit, Bill.

Are you going to hit pause?

What the fuck are you going to do next?

Moonwalk across your goddamn clean apartment.

Isn't how clean it is?

You can hear the echo.

Anyway, yeah, I was getting a little fucking

a little depressing.

You don't need Prozac.

What you need to do is you need to clean your apartment.

I think that would be a little bit better.

And I can say that because I have no medical background whatsoever, and I'm a podcaster.

And that's what we do.

Anyway.

I had a great fucking day yesterday.

A friend of mine took took me up.

I went up to the South Bronx and I got some Dominican food

and then I went over to Arthur Avenue and I went to the little Italy over there and I got a cappuccino with a baby cannoli.

You know, I don't fuck with the sweets, but you know, what am I supposed to do?

I'm in little Italy, right?

So I got a baby cannoli and then I got

a little fruit tart there.

There's no way, so man,

to tell somebody that you got a fruit tart and not just start giggling at how stupid you just sounded.

Oh, yeah, Bill, don't you get yourself a little fruit tart?

You fucking ginger so-and-so.

How did you skip down the street after you had your fruit tart?

I did.

I mentally skipped down the street.

No, you know what my favorite thing was?

Was I walked down Arthur Avenue

and that mozzarella place was closed, unfortunately but I don't give a fuck it's just a reason to go back up I was just doing reconnaissance because I'm bringing my lovely wife up there

second I got up there that's all I thought about was walking down the street holding her hand

and she loves that movie A Bronx Tail like I do right and I was sitting there

thinking when I was drinking the coffee like wow I bet I bet they shot

a Bronx tail up here, right?

And then I looked at the shooting locations.

According to the internet, they shot a Bronx tail in Queens.

It bothered me a little bit.

You know, I'm in this business.

I'm a big boy.

I know that, you know, they try to make Toronto look like Los Angeles or whatever.

Sometimes they don't try, like

Jackie Chance movie

Rumble and the Bronx.

Remember that?

And they just, usually when they're trying to make a city look like another city, they'll just use a, you know, stock footage of the real city.

And then, wherever they're actually, to put in, and then when they're actually shooting the movie, they stay in close.

So hopefully, you don't notice.

Not Rumble and the Bronx.

They're like, no, man, we're going to show you the skyline.

And just tell you, this is the Bronx.

I mean, Drake was walking by in the background.

Everybody knew.

It's like, we're in Toronto.

Sorry, I'm in a fucking silly mood.

What do you want from me?

But anyway,

yeah, I took the six train up and I think I took the D train back,

which is cool.

When it gets into Manhattan, it goes express from 125th all the way down to 59th Street, which was nice.

So I'm like, wow, that's not even

that long a ride because I thought I could only go up there on my day off.

Did I mention I'm doing a play?

Baby, if you ever wondered,

wondered whatever became of me,

I'm doing a fucking play on fucking Broadway.

Doing a play called fucking Glengarry.

And I got 58 more fucking shows to do.

56 more.

But who's counting?

Anyway, I sold all my cars.

All I have is my old pickup truck.

So my dream truck, my F-250, I sold that.

I told you guys that.

Yeah,

I feel a little sad about it.

But I also, man, it was, I just, you know, I didn't have any room for it and I wasn't using it.

I always wanted to have one.

I had it.

I never towed anything.

I didn't put anything in the back.

And I finally had to realize, Bill, you have no reason to own this fucking thing.

If you lived in the middle of nowhere, you could have like a decent-sized fucking driveway, and I could park it and it could be fine.

But, you know,

then I would have middle in the middle of nowhere fucking neighbors, which are cool until they start talking about the world.

Then you're like, oh, God,

racial slur coming in three, two, one.

anyway,

plowing ahead here.

Um, did you guys watch the Moto GP?

I'm not saying everybody in the middle of nowhere is racist.

I'm not saying everybody lives in a city,

you know, isn't racist.

I'm not saying anything, all right?

So, why don't you fucking think about that before you raise your eyebrows at me on this podcast?

You fucking son of a bitch.

Um,

did you watch the Moto GP?

What a fascinating race in France.

Il fait pleu.

Tout les tent pentant la race.

It rained the whole fucking time during the race at Le Mans.

I've actually been there.

I went on the last day of the 24-hour of Le Mans, of Le Mans.

Shout out to Johann Zarko, the first Frenchman to win a French Moto GP,

no, the race,

a Moto GBP race in France, thank you, for like 71 fucking years.

How did it happen?

How the fuck did Joanne Zarko on a motorcycle that hasn't even seemed to be able to sniff higher than fucking maybe sixth place this year, all of a sudden?

Go past the Marquez brothers.

Fuck the fucking Marquez brothers.

I bury bury those cocker roaches.

Well, he started the race on

his rain tires, so he didn't have to go into the pits to change.

Everybody else was on the slicks, right?

And Fabio Cuatoraro, who somehow is a Frenchman, you can't tell me that's not a fucking Italian dude.

Fabio

Cuatoraro.

That's a French guy.

You're telling me that I'm supposed to believe that that that dude's French.

Okay.

Both in the sprint and on Saturday, shout out to Marc Marquez, winning the sixth in a row, just setting the record.

He already had the record with five.

That dude's been riding like a demon.

He fucking wiped out on Saturday and

his tires, I think, got chewed up or whatever.

Slipped in the back or whatever on Sunday.

Or did he crash again on Sunday?

I think he might have crashed both days.

Someone was asking me, like, what happened?

Why are the drivers in F1 so young?

And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I was like, because that sport beats the shit out of your body.

Fucking the G-forces whipping your head and neck around.

It probably moves your guts around too, your insides.

And after a while, it just sort of breaks down.

And then not to mention, you get into like a couple, two, three car accidents a year between 100 and 200 miles an hour.

And I know they got all the fucking safety.

I don't give a shit.

It's got to beat you up after a while.

At least it's not how it used to be.

I mean, people used to die and get burned up, you know, go driving into the crowd.

But anyway, so Johan Zarko was in the back of the pack, and on like the second or third term, I saw Pekko from the beginning of the race, like he just got a bad start and got passed by like nine people.

And then somebody, like, the track was wet, wiped out, and like bowling pins took him out and a few other guys.

And in the middle of all that was Joanne Zarko on the right tires,

you know, and he somehow navigated that, was driving on the dirt, got back on the track, and then it started, you know,

he was way in the back, and nobody thought anything about him, right?

Everyone was looking at Fabio Quattoraro.

He was in the front, and then he wiped out.

I believe, I believe that's what happened.

I can't remember.

I literally watched it yesterday, but I was doing other shit.

I was cleaning my apartment when I saw it.

And Joanne just kept moving up.

And then, as everybody went in and had to change to their rain tires, he just kept going.

And next thing you know, he had like a 20-second fucking lead, and he won.

And all the Frenchmen were singing the national anthem and crying.

It was fucking awesome.

He got all emotional.

Mark Marquez came in second.

I think Alex went down too.

And then, like, I couldn't figure it out.

Like, everybody had a penalty.

I've never seen, like, the whole front of the race had a fucking penalty.

Anyway, it was a very interesting race.

And then, sadly, I saw these clips of ICE going in and just fucking ripping these people out of their homes and mothers and grandmothers and children screaming.

No warrant.

If fellow U.S.

citizens are like, what are you doing?

They like intimidate them, fucking arrest them and shit.

This is like Gestapo type of stuff.

And it just blows my mind that there's a certain ugly segment of the American population that's enjoying watching these families getting ripped out of their homes.

And you somehow think that America is going to be better if this is done.

So what?

So they took those people out.

They're taking these brown people out that are living week to week.

And somehow you feel like if they get them out of the country, your boss who's not paying you a living wage will suddenly start paying you a living wage.

What would be a great thing is everybody read up on the history of these fucking assholes that have run these companies.

They have not wanted to pay Americans a living wage ever.

They've never wanted to pay us a living wage.

And the only reason why they do is because there's laws.

And the only reason why there is laws is because people died during protests to start unions.

And these fucking psychos that run these companies didn't want to pay a living wage.

And eventually they took their factories out of the country so they could go back to not paying a living wage in the form of sweatshop labor.

And now they're eventually working their way towards this.

The same billionaires that didn't want to pay you in the 1800s,

way back to the feudal system.

They've never wanted to pay you.

They don't want to fucking pay you.

And they just keep blaming people that don't look like you, that don't have any money or any sort of control over your life.

And my people keep believing it.

It's unfucking believable.

Immigrants are not the reason why you can't make your rent.

You can't make your rent because the guy that fucking employs you is not paying you enough money.

He's not keeping up or she's not keeping up with the rate of inflation.

The sad fucking thing is there's enough money, there's enough food, there's enough shelter for everybody.

But these super rich cunts want too much for themselves.

And they're heartless.

They don't give a fuck.

And when you start to tell them, hey, you're not paying us enough money, they go, oh, look at those fucking brown people over there.

If we could just get them to stop jumping over a wall or get them out of their houses, if we could tear apart their families without a warrant,

then I would somehow magically start paying you enough money where you could live comfortably and have health insurance.

Unreal.

And I got to tell you, these fucking people that are just watching

this stuff, and you don't think that eventually, if you just co-sign

on an agency being able to do that, just barge into somebody's fucking house like that, just start lining people up, asking questions, no warrants, just total intimidation, right?

If you're signing off on that, you have to understand, do you really think that that's just going to stop there?

Let's say they got all the illegal immigrants out of this country.

That work still has to be done.

So, now who's doing that work?

And what is the rich guy doing?

Do you think he's going to pay American citizen wages?

Is he going to let one nickel roll out of the fucking out of his pocket?

Has that been your experience watching these super rich people?

Just out of curiosity.

Anyway, it's fucking

tragic.

This is just a really mean,

ugly,

I can't even say period, I guess exposure that it's just brought all of these super fucking overtly racist nationalist psychos

to the forefront.

It's even happening in like stand-up comedy.

It's like it's fucking wild.

You know?

I don't understand.

Who knew?

Who knew that there was this many fucking people out there that felt oppressed if they couldn't be this fucking hateful?

Anyway, anyway, but that doesn't mean you can't be a good person.

You can combat all of this shit.

And

I don't know.

I feel like some leaders are going to emerge.

But like, this is what happens.

With extreme behavior if you look where was the left like five years ago when they were doing the the they's and those?

And if you didn't use the right pronouns, all of a sudden your fucking career was in jeopardy.

They went fucking, they went insane to the left.

We leaned so fucking far to the left.

So now this has to happen.

It went so far left

towards the end of the last decade that these psychos on the right think they're in the middle and that they're rational and that they're not

the right,

the conservative, whatever you want to call it, the right-wing version of what they dealt with from the left,

you know,

in the late 2000s, whatever the fuck you call them.

It's insane.

And we went flim flam guy to a guy who should be in a home, back to a flim flam guy.

This is just like

the nightmare that keeps giving.

Anyway,

plowing ahead here.

So, oh, Billy Jimface, Jim Bod, Oh, Billy Jim Bod.

Billy Joe, Jim Bod.

Got to start it back up again.

I was bad yesterday.

I had the cannoli.

I mean, what do you want from me?

What do you want from me?

I was in little Italy.

I'm so fucking excited that I went up there.

I can't believe I never did that.

All of those years that I lived in New York, all I had to do was fucking

get on the D-train and fucking take it up there.

And it was right there.

And I never fucking did it.

I was so focused on, I need to write new jokes.

I need to do good.

God for fucking bid.

I took an afternoon off

to go up

to the Bronx, get some Dominican food, and go over and get a cappuccino and a cannoli.

Literally the perfect afternoon.

It was perfect weather.

And then I ended up running into this guy who was smoking a cigar.

I see a guy sitting smoking a cigar.

I just walk up and talk to him because I immediately know I'm going to get along with him.

And it's going to be good conversation.

And he saw my Red Sox hat, which I was trying, I just was trying to, I went to that MLB store, I tried to get like an Expos hat, and they didn't, they had one, but it was all these crazy different colors.

It almost looked like a

Philly hat, you know, the back of the hat, they had the different colors.

So I was kind of like, that's like the Philly style.

So that should say 76ers or Phillies on it, not Expos.

Whatever, I'm a traditional.

So I wore it up there, my Red Sox hat.

And

so this guy's like, he goes, oh, oh well you from you from fucking boston you know hardcore new york accent

and i was like yeah man i was like i didn't want to wear this thing up here you know i'm not one of those sports fans i like my team but i don't try to like

get into arguments so he was going like you know he's going what's going on with he's like what the fuck's going on with devils they pay him all that money won't fucking play fucking first base

I was like, I've been working, man.

I barely watched a game.

I don't know what's going on.

But,

you know, and then I found out he was a Mets fan.

I go, oh, you're a Mets fan.

All right.

Well, then fuck the Yankees.

He was like, all right, all right.

It's a fucking cool dude.

It made me,

I can't say miss smoking cigars, but it did make me think like, wow.

I definitely would have sat down and had one right here.

But

for the first time in years, I actually missed booze.

I don't know why.

Somebody brought up whiskey, and I was just thinking of having one neat.

I was just like, ooh,

that would be delicious.

And then after that, it would take me fucking three years to quit.

So I'm not doing it.

Anyway,

let's do the reads.

Let me see here.

Oh,

I'm doing a show tonight

in a church, another church here.

Just gonna be running my act, trying to find these random places to just do my act

over the next few weeks.

So, when I do London in Abu Dhabi and Milan, Italy, I'm on my game.

But anyway, let's do some reads here.

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Hey there, old Billy.

I've been listening to the podcast for years in the lab where I work.

You know, there's a lot of people in labs that listen to this shit.

That's funny to me.

I figure if you're in a lab, you're smart.

You took a chemistry class,

huh?

You had graduated cylinders and beakers.

You know,

your lab partner was a woman and you looked at her.

She had glasses on and her hair up.

And you just said, hey, let me do something for a second.

And you took her glasses off and

put her hair down.

You're like, oh my God, look at you.

You're beautiful.

And you did like an 80s makeover on her.

And then you fucking cleared off the top of your lab desk and broke all those gladuated cylinders.

But because you were having sex for some reason, you didn't care that you were destroying your own property.

This is how fucking love scenes went down in 80s movies.

They were always clearing shit off of a table.

I always loved when the guy would do it over her place and she didn't have a problem that, you know, he just knocked a fucking plant under the floor and that she was going to have to fucking clean it up.

And she wouldn't be happy with that, even if he satisfied her sexually.

I mean, that's been my experience with women.

All right.

Hey there, old

Hey there, old Billy Blarkson.

I've been listening to the podcast for years.

in the lab where I work and it has provided me with years of laugh while I refine precious metals.

What are you making diamond diamonds?

Is that what you're doing?

Cubic zarconias.

I've worked slash run a refinery here in Texas.

Texas,

it's biggest fucking refinery in nine counties for the past 13 years and you are 100% correct on the supply and demand of high-end watches.

My company destroys brand new watch parts at least twice a year for one of the most expensive watch brands in the world.

I won't name names for obvious reasons.

This keeps the demand real high.

Well, why would you make them then?

Just don't make them.

And they actually have to witness us destroy them while we pay them for the gold that is worth 1/50th of what the parts are retailed for.

As for lab-grown diamonds, oh, I was talking about that.

That they can grow diamonds in lab.

Well, they are essentially the equivalent of natural diamonds, but are sold for one-tenth the price wholesale.

Personally, I think diamonds and gemstones are all bullshit speculation, so I prefer to only deal with metals.

I just send my customers back their stones and pay out on the metal because

there you can't bullshit the value on that.

Well, please write in again and talk to me.

What metals?

we talking about copper

I hope you enjoy the rest of your Broadway one thanks and go fuck yourself oh that's fucking

really interesting hey who else has an interesting job like that

you're destroying role like unsold Rolexes and taking the gold out of them

And you don't fuck with diamonds because

you sell copper and aluminum?

Do you dress dress like you're in Mad Max?

I mean that just sounds like

a dystopian tale

of capitalism

deregulated capitalism gone wrong.

Instagram like a drug.

Oh yeah I've been I've been trying to get off Instagram.

I've been going back to listening to French radio programs and I gotta tell you it is fucking ridiculous the amount of words that I understand now.

I feel like I understand a third of what they're saying in real time at this point.

The worst is when they say something and I know what it is and I can't remember and then I just keep running that word over and over in my head.

And by the time I translate it, they've spoken another three paragraphs.

Is that the worst, Bill?

Is that worse than having your whole family dragged out of your house without a fucking warrant?

No, it isn't.

Instagram, like a drug.

Hey, Bill.

Hey, Bill.

Hey, Bill.

I'm trying to figure out how they actually were saying that.

I've been going through some of the same shit as you with trying to stay off Instagram.

I feel like it just consumes every free second of my life.

Yeah, my fucking phone said I spent eight and a half hours.

There's no way I do that.

Do they count listening to music?

Eight and a half fucking hours?

I don't have eight and a half hours before I have to go over to the fucking theater.

Um,

person says, anyway, here's something I found that helps me avoid scrolling into the bottomless pit.

I deleted the app and use Instagram

on Safari on my phone.

It is less visually appealing that way, and it sucks me in less.

I also added an extension called Social Focus to it.

Not trying to promote anything, it just works for me.

The extension can take away the Reels tab.

suggested posts and ads so that it's only stuff from people I follow.

I find the experience much more concise.

I get bored of it much quicker.

I still feel connected to friends and families, but the scrolling is dramatically reduced.

Definitely recommend for others trying to break out of it.

Take care.

No, like I'm trying to get off of this shit.

Like

the way I quit cigars and fucking

booze.

Like right now, I have like fucking nine cigars in my apartment right now because people gave them to me because they didn't know that I quit.

And

I have not, I have no desire to smoke those.

But if I smoke one, Bill, we get it.

You're addicted to fucking nicotine.

All right, hang on a sec.

I gotta make myself a coffee because I just, you know, I'm just not feeling like myself.

All right, I'm back.

A little bit of coffee here, Jesus Christ.

I mean, I gotta have something, right?

Isn't that the best when you fucking quit everything and then you just got that one last fucking thing that you have?

You got the one fucking thing that you have.

And somebody's got to be like, gee, that one thing that you have, you're kind of having a lot of it, aren't you?

You know?

It's just like,

can you mind your own fucking business?

What, what the, you know,

why don't you fucking quit that?

Quit what?

Bringing up the shit that I'm doing.

All right.

Red-headed dudes.

Hey, Billy, big gay gym biceps.

I'll take some big gay gym biceps any day of the week.

Those fucking guys are jacked.

Getting ready for pride.

Hey.

Good job on the gym attendance.

It's hard to be motivated.

I want to ask your opinion.

Oh, shit.

You must be in a bad place.

You know what?

I need advice from a fucking

shirtless ginger in his 50s, sitting here fucking drinking a cup of coffee,

wondering where all the time went.

I want to ask you your opinion.

I've got a couple of redhead dude friends, and these are the most arrogant guys I know.

What?

Not the fucking arrogant red-headed dude.

Have I ever met a cocky fucking ginger?

How old are they?

Yeah,

I don't know if the redhead experience has changed.

You were a man without a country.

There was like one in each grade.

One or two.

Anyway, they are maybe...

a four or five out of ten and they act like they are an 11 always making macking on chicks way out of their league and acting like the big man on campus well shit that fucking works

uh when just among the guys i like their confidence but and no offense to you sir but is this a redhead dude thing

um

no i actually think this is a you thing

This is a you thing.

You said you liked their confidence.

I don't know if you do.

I hope you do.

Who gives a fuck what those fucking

pasty sons of bitches are doing?

You go do it.

What's this if you can't compete with a four or five out of a ten that's acting like an 11?

You should be fucking walking right behind that cleaning up as those women roll their eyes at these gingers who fucking are acting.

I don't don't know.

I don't know, but late Ada, they like laughing.

They like to laugh.

Women like laughing.

No one's made women laugh more than me.

Some people would say I've made women laugh the most.

I tickle their twats without asking.

I wish I could do a Donald Trump.

Anyway.

Is this a red-headed dude thing?

I'll be honest with you.

A redhead that's a four or five acting like an 11.

Um, I don't know that I've ever seen that, but I would like

to see that.

You guys are all like, ah, Bill, he's talking about you.

Um,

you are a four or a five running your yap for an hour by yourself.

That's not arrogant.

You're not acting like you're an 11.

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Yeah, dude, I don't know what to tell you, but I'll tell you this right now.

I don't have any fucking empathy for you.

If your fucking problem with women is fucking gingers that are a four or five acting like an 11,

come on, man, you're making me depressed for you.

Get out there.

Fucking sit there.

These four, these four out of a scale of one to ten,

fucking gingers were exactly who we thought they were.

We let them off the hook.

All right, going to Turkey for hair transplant.

I'm actually happy for those guys.

That has to be amazing.

To be going bald and it bothers you that much.

And then to basically cure it.

All you have to do is just get...

Do you have to get all new friends?

Because the thing about it is, you can't get hair, you can't get any sort of fucking cosmetic surgery and still hang out with the same group of people, especially if they're women.

Women are going to bring it up.

You know?

Where the fuck did I see that?

I saw a woman was talking about something that her husband had done.

And it was like, isn't the point of like cosmetic surgery is to act like, no, this is my nose.

What's the point point of getting it if there's somebody just going like, fake nose, fake nose?

Oh my God, can you imagine trying to call your wife out on that if you got a nose job?

Honey, like, what is the point of me getting a nose job if you can tell everybody this isn't my real nose?

I'm sorry, I was just speaking my truth.

Do you want me to lie to my friends?

And then you're apologizing with your fake nose.

I'm sorry.

No, it's okay.

You can tell everyone that this isn't my nose.

I don't know.

Here's my thoughts on cosmetic surgery.

Don't do it.

Generally speaking, okay?

Listen.

If you fell face first into something, you know,

and you look hideous, I get it.

But, like,

if it's just some bullshit, I don't know.

I mean, look at me.

This is a lot of bullshit just on my head.

The problem is, is once you start, how do you stop?

You know what I mean?

It's like if you buy a new suit, you can't not get a new pair of shoes.

You can't wear old shoes with a new suit so that's what ends up happening now you got to get

new pair of shoes oh what if i cross my legs and they see my fucking you know worn-out socks now i got to get new it just it just keeps going and the next thing you know hee hee right you look like fucking michael jackson

didn't you need you didn't expect that michael jackson fucking

impression I think I nailed it.

Wait a minute.

Am I?

Look at me.

I'm a four acting like a fucking 11 with my Michael Jackson impression.

All right, going to Turkey for a hair transplant.

I mean, I like how, you know, that's classic.

That's classic American behavior.

Oh, you're going to Turkey?

Oh my God, you're going to fucking have some of the coffee?

Do you play drums?

They make some of the best cymbals in the world.

Are you going to vibe with those great people?

Nah.

Get my hair back.

I'm not into the culture at all.

I'm kidding.

A few weeks ago,

you mentioned on an upcoming tour

in Turkey and

semi-seriously joked about getting a transplant.

They go, semi-seriously?

Question mark.

Oh, this person thinks I'm getting a transplant.

Dude, you can't, well, maybe you can.

Erlacher, everybody knew Erlacher.

He went out and he got one.

That's a tough thing.

If you're Brian Erlacher and you get a fucking hair transplant, like, who's going to tell you whether it looks good or not?

Everybody's afraid of you.

Like, people would be honest with me and be like, dude,

like, those, you got fucked, man.

You look stupid, right?

They would let me know, but, like, if I was as big as Brian Erlacher and I could fucking run through an offensive line and make a six-foot-five quarterback look like he was five-foot-two, like,

how would I know whether it looks good or not?

Anyway, a few weeks ago, you mentioned an upcoming tour in Turkey and

parentheses, semi-seriously joked about getting a transplant.

I'm flying across the pond this summer and getting one done myself.

I'm 24,

but been receding pretty bad since I was 15.

I get that, dude.

As a guy, to go bald that fucking young is brutal.

You got to catch all the women on the rebound when they're divorced in their 30s and you've shaved your head, you know,

and they're drafting in the the later rounds.

And all of a sudden, you being a third-round draft pick is looking good to them.

Kidding.

All right, been on Finn and Min for years.

I don't know what that is, probably some sort of propecia.

I got a good-paying job, so I can finally pay that shit in full up front.

Seven grand.

That's all it is.

Turkey gets a bad rap for hair mills where technicians slash not surgeons are doing the operations and could have 10 years or

10 days experience.

If you do your research for a reputable place, ensure 100% of the actual person doing the graft placement and aren't chasing a bargain option, you're golden.

American clinics are two to five times the price for similar quality.

You're really just paying

to surgery in a foreign country the fare to get there.

This is really fascinating to me.

I'm actually happy for you.

If somebody's 24 and they're going fucking bald,

you know, and they want to get a hair transplant, I don't fucking mind that.

Actually, you know something?

I think women are way more receptive to that.

You know,

it makes you feel good.

You should do it.

You know, that good side of women

as opposed to the bad side that I always fucking seem to focus on for the last 20 fucking years.

um

okay but since they're so expensive

I guess the the plane ticket many do fewer transplants per year what wait a second

and are ironically less oh so the American ones because they're so expensive they do less and are ironically less experienced as a result so you aren't necessarily paying for quality unless you're willing to fork over 20 to 50 grand and wait a year or two for whoever did

Elon Musk's hairline, international is probably the way to go.

Or I'm totally wrong and I'm fucking myself for life.

I'll keep you posted.

P.S.

Please don't mention my name.

Also,

I don't get robbed in Turkey.

Yeah, I would never mention your fucking name.

Anyway,

why you get robbed in Turkey?

You get robbed everywhere.

You're getting robbed here.

I would love to go to Turkey, but not for a transplant.

I would just like to go there.

I know, because I've never been there, right?

That's all fascinating.

All right, man.

Well, you know, I hope you get the best surgeon and I hope it fucking looks great and you feel good about yourself.

How about that?

You know, I do find it funny when guys my age get a hair transplant.

And you gotta, you gotta be worried, like, if you're the woman in their life, like, why why all of us, what are you doing?

And then, when you get the hair transplant, then you're probably thinking, like, ah, I should have done this years ago

when you know, when I was younger, because now I got the full head of hair, but I still got this turkey neck.

So, then you get that fixed.

Then you're like, all right, well, I got the turkey neck, but look at my physique.

I look like a 50-year-old man.

I want to see what I would have looked like if I worked out in my 20s and had a full head of hair.

And then you're off.

You're off.

You're fucking HGHing, you're testosterone, you're fucking.

You gotta paint something on your ball sack that keeps your balls from shriveling up with all the fucking testosterone.

You know, all of a sudden, the side,

the side effect, you got estrogen.

Now you got tits.

Or you could just fucking, you know, keep yourself in shape.

No, but I get it.

If you're in your 20s and you want to get like a hair transplant, I get it.

Or if you're in your 30s, right?

And you just...

I get that.

I get it.

But after a certain age, it's like, come on, you're an old man.

Go get a funny hat and make a waitress laugh, and you're done.

You did your fucking job

in society.

That's what's great about getting old.

That's my fucking job right now.

Put on a funny hat, make a waitress laugh, and my day is done.

Give some young person some advice, unsolicited, too.

That's what old people do.

You know what you should do?

God damn it, this coffee's delicious.

I fucking love that espresso machine.

You can't fucking miss.

I'm telling you.

I'm not going to lie to you.

They ain't cheap.

They ain't cheap.

La Marzocco.

Fucking, I stand by that product.

Handmade in Italy.

Come on.

What are we doing here?

Oh, speaking of which, I'm going there in a couple of months.

Months.

M-U-N-T-S.

No, M-U-N-S.

Months.

You haven't called me in two months.

The fuck is the fucking problem?

Alright, car recommendation.

Daily driver.

Hey, Billy, Christmas nuts.

Oh my god, I gotta tell that one to Nia.

Oh, crimson nuts.

My fault.

And they said Christmas nuts.

Like my balls were like ornaments hanging off a dick tree.

Oh, crimson nuts.

Roll-tide roll.

All right, long-time listener.

I like Christmas nuts better.

Just hear those sleigh bells ringing.

Longtime listener, first-time writer.

Checking in all the way from Zimbabwe.

No way.

Hope this makes it onto the pod.

I know you've been on the hunt for a new daily driver ever since you let go of the Jaguar.

Thought I'd drop you a line with a recommendation that might be right up your alley.

I'm thinking of an old Cadillac, although I've seen, I saw a late 60s,

was it a Buick?

I think it was a Buick 225 or something like that, and

I kind of like that too.

I'm into old man cars, dude.

There's an Instagram page called

At No Miles Low Miles.

They specialize in ultra low mileage, super clean cars from the late 60s up through the early 2000s.

I don't even care if this is an advertisement disguised as a person writing in.

I'm going to check that out.

The sweet spot, really.

Everything they post.

You know, I don't get like a low miles car on something that's like 60, 70 years old.

Like,

you know, after a while, the car just sitting there, that's not good for it either, right?

Isn't everything like all sort of like dried and cracked?

You know, it's sitting there.

There's usually some sort of fucking mouse nest in there, and they ate through all the electrical and shit.

All your bushings or whatever are all fucking dried and cracked, and all of that.

I don't know.

I've always wondered about that.

Because there was this fucking early 70s Coupe de Ville green on green.

Oh my god, it was fucking gorgeous.

It was fucking gorgeous.

I'm definitely going to get a Cadillac.

I'm going to get a, I I think I'm gonna get an Eldorado is what I'm looking for and then

there's some Buicks that I like an Oldsmobile I'm just gonna have like an old man car like a fucking

I like the land yachts I like them because I like them and also they're not expensive because you know these fucking car collecting cunts

That just drive the price up of everything is is insane

There's just no way they're not washing money.

Some of the fucking shit that they're paying.

Anyway, there's an Instagram page called No Miles

Low Miles.

They specialize, okay.

Everything they post is pretty much analog, no electric frills, none of that new age touchscreen crap that you load.

Just solid old school engineering.

Yeah, that was the thing about my F-250.

It was like, it was like spying on me.

It was listening to me.

It was trying to figure out where I lived.

It's like, this is not my, this is like, I'm not in the mob.

Leave me alone.

The kind of cars where the radio knobs that has radio knobs and there's no software update that breaks your dash.

They've listed stuff like

pristine E36 BMWs, low miles 90s Benzes, clean 80s pickups.

Oh my God.

And even the occasional Japanese sleeper.

And yes, they've got some old school caddies in there too.

The kind with the floaty suspension and plush bench seats.

You gotta have a bench seat.

Gotta have that.

Perfect for your old ass to cruise around it well, yelling at cyclists.

The mileage on some of these cars is insane, like sub-20,000 miles on cars that are over 25 years old.

I'm definitely checking this out.

Now, you might be wondering how a guy from Zimbabwe knows, well, yeah,

anything we get from

Africa on the internet, we automatically assume is some sort of fucking scam because of those people all over the years going like, you know, I'm going to inherit fucking 90 zillion whatevers.

I just need 10 grand from you.

All right.

Now you might be wondering how a guy from Zimbabwe knows about American car listens, especially models that never made it.

to this part of the world.

What can I say?

I'm a car not.

That's awesome because, you know, there's a lot of cars down in South America that I am fascinated with the American-made

cars

south of the border.

Like, there is, like, I always wondered, why didn't Ford ever make,

for the longest time, never made

something to

compete with the Chevy Suburban, basically a four-door blazer.

So they would have a four-door Bronco.

And they made one, and they made it, I forget what's called, like the,

oh, what the fuck was it called an F

400 or 4100 it was weird whatever but they're they're they're out there

and

I saw something else the other day that I sent to a friend of mine

anyway

I like that and also I'm still I'm not fucking around like I'm thinking of even though I said I'm shutting it down after I do Glen Gary I'm just going to spend the rest of my year with my wife and kids.

Other than when I have a 30-day acting gig, but other than that, I'm just going to be with them to make up for all of this time.

But

I am thinking of doing a gig in Tokyo, and I want to go out there when they have like, instead of a car show, it's like a motorcycle show, and it's all those amazing vintage,

you know, Hondas and Kawasakis and Suzukis, all those motorcycles that I loved when I was a kid in the 70s.

The sort of the first like super bikes before the ninjas and it got fucking crazy, crazy in the 80s

is when it really started getting super fast.

But like I love all of that shit.

And

there's some old school Japanese cars like the Dotson.

God, what the fuck is that one called?

What is that Dotson one that like a lot of Latino dudes in LA get them and they fucking

They fuck with them and they turn them into these little race cars that car looks cool as shit too I'll have to look this stuff I'll give you guys a list next time I do the podcast here

so anyway all right I got to go to the big gay gym here

this person says anyway thought you might appreciate the tip might be worth checking out the page next time you're killing time at the airport or waiting for on the lovely Nia to finish explaining why you're wrong oh no she doesn't do that

keep yelling at the clouds go fuck yourself no I've been getting along with my wife

really, really well over the last fucking years.

Then I just made a few adjustments in how I convey the information that I want

to be heard.

Yeah, I was a fucking douche.

Didn't even realize it for a long fucking time.

And it's just, I just grew up with guys, you know what I mean?

I just, you know,

overly loaded with testosterone so like i did i had no idea how to approach women forget about like convey information to them and i finally shut the up and tried to learn about them and i don't i still don't know about them but just having a little bit of information my conversations are like ridiculously smooth and i actually vibe

with my wife now on a different level which is is is uh is great

i got a lot of shit to make up,

make up for.

Um,

anyway,

or is that the fucking mindset that they put you in when they just keep nagging at you every day?

There we go, see that still hanging on to my misogynist fan base.

Oh my god, I can't believe you did a show with the girl.

I fucking told like 10 people, whoever that listener was, that told me that they audibly gasped

when I said that the view

leaned left.

I audibly gasped.

These are the same people that call people snowflakes.

Is that what you did?

I'm trying to think when I gasped.

The only time I gasp is when I see a little kid about to hurt himself and I don't feel like I can get over there in time.

Even then I go, I go, no, no,

oh, I know, no, when I watch a video on Instagram, evidently for eight and a half hours every fucking day, if I see something like that, I will gasp.

And it is audible.

But I just don't see that me ever audibly gasping because I don't agree with somebody's description of a daytime talk show.

I mean, that's where I draw the line.

Anyway,

Celtics won

game three.

We'll see what happens.

They got a fucking long road ahead of them.

They got to win fucking four out of five.

I watched a little bit of the Indiana Pacers game yesterday.

They kicked the shit out of whoever the fuck they were playing.

Cavaliers.

That game sucked.

And

did I watch any hockey?

I watched a little bit of that Vegas Night series, and I fell asleep when it went into fucking overtime.

Whatever.

I'm trying to start watching sports again.

Been out of the loop here, but I've been staying up.

Oh, my Moto GP.

Am I just babbling at this point?

I think I am.

All right, that's the podcast.

Go fuck yourselves.

I will see you, or I won't see you.

I will check in on you on Thursday, and thank you to everybody that's coming out to my little show here tonight.

Oh my God, I just had a little fucking

false hiccup there.

Caused me to do like almost, and was that an audible gasp that just happened there?

I think we just came full circle.

All right, I have to go to the gym, fellas.

All right, talk to you on Thursday.

See ya.

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