Bookstore, Luxury Items, Electric Bikes | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-8-25

Oh, look who it is.

It's Mood.

Um

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Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns.

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They'll deliver deliver them directly right to your doorstep.

And you can get 20% off your first order at mood.com with promo code BURR.

And they're epic euphoria gummies, dude.

They're perfect for those days when nothing's going right and you just need to hit the reset button on your crap mood.

Yeah, trick your brain into acting like you're you're you appreciate that extra nickel per quarter they just gave you.

That makes these different.

What makes these different, sorry, is how they've paired THC with other cannaboids with herbs and aptaptogens.

You're not just going to find gummies like this in a dispensary or anywhere else for that matter.

They have gummies for literally every immune support, menopause, relief, PMS, symptoms, mental clarity, and sexual

arousal.

And each one is crafted using federally legal cannabis grown on small family-owned American farms.

No pesticides, no BS, and they can ship to most states in the U.S.

Best of all, not only does mood stand behind everything with an industry-leading 100-day satisfaction guarantee, but as mentioned, listeners get 20% off their first order with the code BURR.

So, head to mood.com, browse their amazing selection of functional gummies and the perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with.

And remember to use promo code Burr at checkout to save 20%

off your first order.

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

And I'm just checking in

on you.

How are you?

How's it going?

Jesus, I forgot it was the Thursday thing.

For some reason,

for some reason, unbeknownst to me, I thought it was Saturday last night.

We did two shows, and for some reason, it just felt like a fucking Saturday.

We're halfway through week nine.

Week nine.

And I feel like, you know, after this week, two more weeks, I can start to see the finish line already.

It's kind of weird.

This is one of these gigs that has seemed like it's going by in two seconds.

And then I also want to think way back to the first day of rehearsal, that seems like three years ago.

But anyway, we're having great shows, chugging along.

Two shows yesterday, one today.

My favorite, The Seven O'Clock Show.

I love the 7 o'clock show.

We're We're done with the whole thing and jumping on the train, going home by fucking 9:20.

And you know, I'm an older fella, so I like to try to get my sleep, but I can't get to sleep till like two in the morning.

And I've been staying off the fucking Instagram for the most part.

All right, this is this is really embarrassing, and it's embarrassing to me and slightly insulting to you guys.

So

I wanted to read this play that somebody told me about, saying, oh, you know, there's a part in there that, you know,

you would maybe line up with.

So I said, all right.

You know, what am I going to do?

Am I going to go on Amazon and fucking order it where

the head of that thing wants his employees to go to bed terrified, wake up terrified and work terrified?

I still can't believe you can fucking say shit like that.

And there's not more like

pushback on that.

It's like you just want the people that you work with, you want them to sit there freaking out all the time, being terrified about whether or not they're going to get fired, and then they won't be able to feed their family.

Who would do that to people?

And if you did it, why would you talk about it publicly?

Like you're proud of that?

Yeah, I terrify my employees.

Unreal.

The world didn't stuff you in a locker.

These fucking nerds are the worst.

Anyway, um

So I'm like, yeah, fuck that site.

I'll go to Barnes and Nobles.

Oh, mom and pop, Barnes and Nobles, who put all the mom and pop bookstores out of business.

They used to be the evil ones.

Now they look nice.

So I said, all right, I'll go fucking walk over there.

I'm going to sit right down and put on a pair of sneakers, right?

And I look out the fucking window.

And it's raining.

So I'm like, I keep getting caught out there in the rain.

And,

you know, my fucking big five zip up.

So I was like, all right, fuck it.

I'm going to put, I'm actually going to put on my raincoat and

grab an umbrella.

And then, like, my baseball hat was irritating the top of my bald head, was making a red mock.

So I said, all right, I'll put on a fucking

knitted hat, like a barista.

And as douchey as that looks, at least my forehead won't be red.

So I go outside, like two seconds later, however long it took to get all that shit and put it on, I go outside and now it's not raining.

So what I should have done was just gone back inside because it was muggy.

And

the fucking, you know, you wear a raincoat and it's muggy out and it's not raining out.

It's like you're cutting weight as a boxer.

Like your body can't breathe.

So I immediately start sweating profusely.

But, you know, how my brain works, I should have just gone right, turned around and gone right back up.

Like, I don't want to fucking do that.

So I just start walking right

and i walk over to the barns and noble and by the time i get there i'm just i'm

pouring sweat so i get into the barns and noble

and i still have all that on and my thing as long as i have a hat on people don't really see me right but i'm dying So I got the fucking raincoat on.

So I take off the knitted hat.

I'm like, all right, here we go.

There's going to be somebody in here, Mandalorian person or some shit, whatever, right?

So I take my hat off,

and I was in that store for at least a half an hour.

Not one person recognized me.

Okay.

If I went into a sports bar, people be like, Billy fucking red tits, too.

What do you think?

Celtics down 02.

Don't you wish you would win there?

Like, I would be

going a bookstore.

Nobody knows who I am.

So that's sort of

let you know how dumb my fan base is.

I want no one to recognize me.

I just go in a bookstore or a museum, someplace where there's smart people.

No, I was trying to buy a book, this book, a play, and then I wanted to buy this book on photography because I'm sort of obsessed.

I just don't get when you get a book of photography.

Because I feel like you just get it and then you look at it real quick and then you're done.

And then what?

Do you go back and look at it?

I think there's a reason why they have them all shrink-wrapped because everyone says, well, they're just going to look at it here and they're not going to buy it.

It's like, well, yeah, I saw you.

Sometimes I feel like pictures are like jokes.

You know, you hear it, you got it,

and then you hear it again.

You're like, yeah, you know,

I get it.

Or maybe books are like that too.

I don't fucking know.

All I know is I always knew I was meathead Billy, but like nothing confirmed that.

Like being in a Barnes and Noble, taking my hat off, going, all right, here we go.

It's going to be a couple of fucking pictures and a couple of weirdos.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nada.

Anyway, the fucking New York Knicks.

I haven't seen a second of it.

I saw the end of the game one when the dude took the ball out of Jalen Brown's hand.

I have not been watching because I've been doing the show.

Congratulations to the Knicks, who for some reason seem to hate the Celtics, which is stupid because we have no rivalry whatsoever.

I think it's just because it's like a Red Sox, Yankees, New York, Boston thing.

So the other night when the Knicks won game one,

I then saw the Toronto Maple Leafs won game one.

So immediately I thought, when was the last time the New York Knicks and the Toronto Maple Leafs won game one of round two on the same night?

So

I texted,

I'm not going to drop a name here.

I texted somebody that I love that hosts a sports show.

And

they're like, all right, hang on.

And then they fucking took a minute and they had to go back.

It was May of 1993.

It's been 32 years.

I kind of guessed, I said it was either going to be 1999 when the Knicks went to the finals with Lattrell Spreewell.

Lattrell, I didn't choke you enough, Spreewell.

I was always on his side for that one.

Was it PJ Calissimo?

If he just choked him one time, I'd be like, all right, that guy was nuts.

But like, he choked him, drove away from the arena, and then came back and choked him again.

Like, he drove away.

He was like, you you know what?

I didn't choke that guy enough.

At that point, as a human being, you got to be like, all right, man, I think I was being, I think I was being a dick.

You know,

if you just choked me and left, I'd be like, what the fuck is with that guy?

But if

you didn't feel you choked me enough, came back.

At that point, I got to start looking at my behavior.

Anyway, so I was guessing either that or the Pat Riley Knicks.

And it was the Pat Riley Knicks.

Ah, 1993.

So there you go.

So here's the funny thing about the Leafs and the Knicks.

Those are two teams that, for some reason, they hate

the Bruins.

I understand why the Leafs hate the Bruins, but they hate the Bruins, they hate the Celtics, and they fucking hate Boston.

And I have like no animosity towards them.

I like the Knicks, you know, and as long as I don't watch ESPN,

I can continue to like the Knicks.

But, you know, if you watch ESPN, like anything, if anything happens in sports in New York, like the level of coverage that they get is fucking ridiculous, and

they never really address how truly sad and disappointing it is to be a fan of New York sports.

It's because the Yankees, they save everybody with 27 championships.

And also the Giants.

Got to give the Giants respect, too.

But like everybody else, I mean, it is just a barren fucking wasteland.

And I'm not going to go through all the years and all of that shit.

I mean, 40 years, 50 years,

almost 60 years, some of them.

But like, there's just too many fucking songs that are written about New York.

Oh, my God.

If I hear that every night when I walk over to the train

in Times Square, if I hear that Alicia Keys Jay-Z fucking song one more time, New York, Concrete, and I had to be like, Bill, this is one of the great tourist attractions in the world.

Times Square, even though there's really nothing to do there,

there's literally nothing to do there.

I think that's why people like it.

It's free.

There's a place in London, too.

There's a square that everybody goes to.

I don't know, everybody's got that thing.

Then there's that, what is that dumb thing?

In Dublin, Temple Bar.

The stupidest place you can go to

if you go to Ireland.

If you just want to hang out and drink with a bunch of Americans, just stay in America.

Why the fuck would you go all the way over to Dublin and then all the way over to Ireland and then just fucking go to a bar where you're going to run into people from Ohio

and Vermont?

Hey, top of the morning to you.

Do you want to get a Guinness?

Um,

anyway, I got a friend of mine that's in Taipei right now.

Shout out to Taiwan.

I'd love to go over there, but I just feel like if you go over there as a bald white guy, everybody thinks you're going over there because you're some sort of fucking international sex John trying to go over there and uh, I don't know, do God knows what.

So I was uh looking it up, absolutely gorgeous city,

and then you know, of course, I got to look up what kind of snakes they got.

And

fucking snakes, that part of the world, dude.

Terrifying.

It's not too bad.

Like, Australia is the worst.

All those bad lands.

Some they finally explained.

They're like, you know, fucking one drop of this

venom from a Taipei is enough to kill like 60 elephants.

And it's like, why?

And I guess the reason is

food is so scarce that they have to make it count.

So, if they even just nick their prey, that's it.

They're done.

So,

I don't know, they had a couple scary ones.

I had this black and white one, but fortunately, it's a little shy.

But, like,

there's just no way.

Like, if I was hiking in the fucking jungle outside of Taipei in Taiwan, I would be wearing a suit of armor.

They got snakes on the ground.

They got snakes in the fucking trees.

Fuck that shit.

All right?

I go on hikes.

I look over my shoulder.

I can still see a target.

Not fucking going in the goddamn jungle and be that guy.

That guy on the news.

That stupid fucking picture.

They always have the picture you took right before you went missing, you know?

You got that dumb look on your face, like, hey, I'm in fucking Taiwan.

He was never seen from again.

So,

anyway,

oh, Billy Beefcake, Billy Beefcake,

it's finally stopped beating late and getting the results.

And

I keep heading, he gets, I just keep going to the gym.

I don't want to.

They bought new ellipticals at the big gay gym.

It's fucking amazing.

I think they had to.

Pride's coming up next month, everybody.

I did tell you that.

I saw those two, these two guys saw each other at the gym, right?

They kiss each other on the cheek.

They go, hey, what are you doing?

And the guy's like, oh, you know, same old shit, getting ready for Pride.

And it was like fucking April, and they were both shredded.

Maybe you have a lot of empathy for him.

It's like, oh my God, they have to appeal to men.

So they got to go through the same shit.

So gay guys who are coming to Pride in June, are you fucking puking behind a dumpster right now like a model?

I got to have a fucking 12-pack.

What are the feelings on bears?

Is it just a type?

Are they just lazy?

Do you feel like they're not all in on the gay lifestyle that they just fucking, you know?

Eat like they drive a snowplow

anyway.

What are you going to do?

So I got to do that today.

I don't have a show until 7 o'clock.

And

I'm thinking this Sunday, one or the other, I'm either going to, I kind of got into Dominican food.

I can't even say kind of.

I got this fucking, oh my God, I got this lunch the other day, right?

It was like this roasted pork, yellow rice, and black beans.

Mix that all together.

And, you know, I'm Billy Pasty Face, so I'm actually thinking of getting it to go, coming home, making an egg over easy, and putting it on top.

A little hot sauce.

Fucking eat that and just take a nap.

I got it the other day on a rainy day.

It was perfect.

So,

you know, the fucking new me.

Old Billy's sweater vest.

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Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns.

Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns with 100% of federally legal THC blends.

They'll deliver them directly right to your doorstep.

And you can get 20% off your first order at mood.com with promo code BURR.

And they're epic euphoria gummies, dude.

They're perfect for those days when nothing's going right and you just need to hit the reset button on your crap mood.

Yeah, trick your brain into acting like

you appreciate that extra nickel per quarter they just gave you.

That makes these different.

What makes these different, sorry, is how they've paired THC with other cannaboids with herbs and aptaptogens.

You're not just going to find gummies like this in a dispensary or anywhere else for that matter.

They have gummies for literally every immune support, menopause, relief, PMS, symptoms, mental clarity, and sexual

arousal.

And each one is crafted using federally legal cannabis grown on small family-owned American farms.

No pesticides, no BS, and they can ship to most states in the U.S.

Best of all, not only does mood stand behind everything with an industry-leading 100-day satisfaction guarantee, but as mentioned, listeners get 20% off their first order with the code BURR so head to mood.com browse their amazing selection of functional gummies and the perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with and remember to use promo code burr at checkout to save 20%

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Shout out to everybody that saw me on Kelly Cloxon.

I haven't read the comments yet.

I'm hoping I'll have

some of those.

Oh my God, I can't believe you did a show with the girl.

That guy's not in Barnes and Noble,

unless he's in the third Reich section.

No,

misogynist section.

They still have all of those books, like the self-help section

and all of that stuff.

You know, it'd be amazing if Luigi wrote a self-help book.

Okay, enough with the positive affirmations.

You need to take steps towards making the world a better place.

All right, sorry.

I got the fucking giggles this morning.

Anyway, so the fucking New York Knicks are halfway to sweeping my Boston Celtics.

Now we have to go to Madison Square Garden.

Somebody asked me, they go, dude, are you going to go to any of those games?

I'm not going to be able to go to the games because

I'm working every night.

And then also, I fucking hate going

to the opposing team's venue when they're playing my team.

I just, it's just not.

I don't know.

I'm not into this let's fucking go culture.

Let's fucking go.

Let's fuck.

Let's fucking go.

Everybody, let's fucking go.

It's like, all right.

Yeah, hey, let's fucking go.

Yeah, you ready to cheer?

Let's fucking go.

LFG.

Yeah, it's changed.

So I'm kind of like,

I enjoy sports in a different way now.

I'm not like fucking obsessed with them.

Although lately, I've been coming home after the show and putting on the TV, and I catch the beginning of the late game.

I watched a little OKC Denver, and I watched a little bit of the

Dallas Stars versus Winnipeg.

I do miss the NHL NHL playoffs.

And I saw that thing in the double overtime where Winnipeg, they scored with one second left against the St.

Louis Blues, and then one in double overtime.

So, of course, as a Bruins fan, I love that.

I don't know that I'll ever get over that 2019 Stanley Cup final loss where we lost to the Blues while the Blues were playing Bruins hockey.

Fucking brutal.

NHL is so weird.

They totally, they like penalized the Bruins for playing Bruins hockey, and we got rid of all our enforcers.

And then just one year, they're like, yeah, we're not going to call it in the playoffs.

And the St.

Louis Blues played like it was the fucking,

I wouldn't say 80s.

They played more like it was the 90s.

Just running our goaltender, and we had nobody to answer it.

It was fucking so annoying because

they weren't that fucking good.

Not saying they, you know, they don't deserve it or whatever, but it was just like, it wasn't like they had a bunch of fucking goal scorers on there.

It was just a guy, a bunch of guys taking liberties.

Ah, you motherfucker.

How many fucking times?

Jesus fucking Christ.

Every day, I have a fucking glass of water on the floor next to the bed, and I fucking knock it over every fucking day.

And then I go, Bill, put it on the dresser.

Put it on the dresser.

And I say, okay, Bill,

Roger Wilco.

And then what do I do?

Look at this.

Jesus Christ.

Remember your dad?

There's no sense to that.

Then somehow we'd start yelling at your mother.

Oh, Christ, you're not fucking watching them.

Um,

anyway, is it time to do the reeds yet?

Is it time to do the reeds?

You know, I want to fucking get one of those electric bikes.

Just because I see people like flying around the city in them.

I love these people that ride around them.

They don't even wear helmets.

Like, I saw this fucking guy, he was older than me, if he can believe it.

And I asked him about his bike, how fast it went, and all that shit.

He said that he loved it.

And I said,

I go, you don't wear a helmet?

And he kind of got this look on his face.

He's like, yeah, I should probably fucking do that.

I am fascinated with these guys in the Diamond District.

It just seems like such a fucking shady, seedy business.

Maybe because I saw that Adam Sandler uncut gems thing, but he was a degenerate gambler.

But I don't know.

It just, I would not.

You couldn't fucking pay me enough to just be standing in a fucking store with a bunch of diamonds.

What am I?

Fucking Jason Statham.

I don't want to do this job.

Every other person that walked in, I'd be like, are you cool?

Take whatever you want.

don't hurt me

you know they're not really rare right do you know they've figured they've they have figured out

how to make them from what I heard

so now they don't have to do the blood diamond thing anymore and now that they're just cranking them out

won't that create like

What would you say?

The supply outweights the demand and then the price goes down.

They must be having like fucking meetings the way they do at Rolex, the way Rolex does that douchey thing of like, we're not going to make enough watches.

When I was a kid, you could just walk into a Rolex store and buy a fucking watch.

Now they have them in the window, and they're just like, Yeah, yeah, you can't buy that.

They're doing like that fucking Birkenbag shit.

I remember one time,

you know, someone was telling me that they went to go buy a fucking Birkenbag.

You go in there and you go, hey,

can I buy a Birken bag?

They're like, yeah, no.

We don't have any.

All right, can I order one?

And they go, you can put in a request for one and maybe they'll make it.

Oh, is that what I can do?

Well, why don't you take your fucking bag

and shove it up your ass?

That is the dumbest shit ever.

You did see now that all of that shit is made in China and then they send it like to France or wherever or Italy and then they just they just bolt on their name and then they can say it was handmade in their country.

It's so fucking stupid.

All of that fucking Kardashian wear,

you know, you have to admit at this fucking point.

At this point,

it's fucking stupid, right?

I don't know.

I guess because they're oversaturated.

I just look at that high-end shit

as like, I just, it looks tacky now.

I don't know.

So fucking dumb.

All right, plowing ahead here.

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Oh, two more.

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All right, so in the future, when it's not just AI cameras and there's also an AI robot, you know, looking at a human trying to rob a house because the robots took all the fucking jobs, here's my question:

What do you, how, if a, if a a fucking robot kills a human being, what is the punishment?

What are you going to unplug?

Are you going to put it on trial?

You know, and it's going to, like the algorithm, it's going to hear words that's supposed to make it sound upset?

You know?

What do you mean, no bail?

Oh no.

I can't go back to the can.

I don't know why I'm laughing because

it's not funny.

It isn't fucking funny.

What these fucking nerds are doing,

all the money they're using to not pay us, they're putting into this AI technology so they can fucking replace us.

And nobody wants these fucking robots.

Nobody needs these robots.

The only people that need these robots are the people that would just love to have an entire population of slave labor that they could also fuck anytime they wanted.

This is what nerds are doing right now.

And other than that, they're just dividing us.

People, stop yelling at other human beings.

Stop going online, trolling other human beings.

Stop falling into this fucking bullshit that there's liberal thought and conservative thought.

I'm on the blue team.

I'm on the red team.

You should be on the human team.

All right?

It's the United States.

We need to unite the United States again.

Instead of letting these fucking assholes,

they literally dividing the locker room it's one of the most reckless things you can do for national security all they're talking about is the fucking immigrants and all of that crap it's like how about the fact that you're making americans hate other americans and you're trying to reboot the civil war do you ever think about that you

whatever

whatever whatevs man whatevs um all right that is the podcast everybody um

Please enjoy the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Themelis.

And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast after this

congratulations to the Leafs and the Knicks I got no beef with you guys you guys have collectively been waiting to win another title for fucking over a hundred years

I hope somebody gets put out of their misery this year

I don't give a shit we won we won an NBA championship last year and my Bruins are not in the playoffs so I'm

I'm enjoying that

I'm gonna try to watch

what's what's today?

Wednesday.

I'll miss game three.

Maybe game four will be on Sunday and I'll be able to see it.

I have no idea.

You know, the NPA likes to stretch it out.

Maybe it will be on Sunday.

All right, that's it.

I'm babbling.

I will have a great weekend, you cons, and I'll talk to you on Monday.

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday,

May 8th, 2017.

What's going on?

Oh, this is one of these days.

I don't want to do the podcast.

You know?

Oh, I'm putting on a fucking brave face right now.

I got the energy in my voice, right?

I'm trying to bring it for you.

Do you know what I'm really feeling inside?

This is what I really feel like.

Hey, this is Bill Burns.

Thank you for your Monday morning podcast.

Just even doing that just brought my energy down to the fucking mat.

I can't.

I gotta sell it.

Speaking of which, yeah, I was just watching that Quiet Riot documentary where it was like,

now you're here.

Now what the fuck you going to do?

Whatever it's called.

And after Kevin Dubrow died, and they got this new guy who could really sound like him and hit all the notes.

Like the first fucking show he goes out there, he's just like,

hey, you guys want to ban your head?

The drummer afterwards.

Frankie Benali was giving him shit, going, dude, you can't just, you got to fucking sell it.

That's what I love about watching those documentaries.

It's just so many of those bands, especially with metal music in the 80s.

They just thought it was a bunch of morons that were just out there, you know, just dumb people.

And then you listen to them breaking down the show.

And it's like, yeah, these guys completely get performance.

They totally.

Why wouldn't?

Yeah.

You would have to do that to sell the amount of records that they did.

But for some reason, because of the subject matter, you don't think that they,

just think they're doing it and they're not thinking about it.

But he just got off, he just fucking read the guy, The Riot Act.

He's not, yeah, we got like a 20-foot by 20-foot stage, and you're performing like three feet by three feet.

You're not, you gotta get out there, you gotta sell it.

You gotta sell it.

I would have loved to have been at that show watching the rest of the band because they're all pros, knowing how to sell it.

And then there's this one guy in the middle looking like he's doing the fucking river dance, you know, with his hands down by his side, and his feet are kind of jumping around, you know, dancing on one fucking square piece of linoleum.

Linoleum.

It's a great word, isn't it?

Linoleum.

That's a good name for a band, isn't it?

Some glam band, you just call it linoleum.

There you go.

Sing a couple of songs about pledge, you know, or some other cleaner, and that's just your thing.

That's a wide open lane.

Nobody's ever done that.

I might go on

fucking that.

Hey, that's mybandname.net and register it for seven bucks, whatever they charge.

I love how you can just register shit online.

Like, what if this was just going to some guy's house?

Why are you acting like this is some governmental building?

Is that a word?

Governmental?

Federal enthalpy?

How do you say it?

The Federal Reserve is no more federal than Federal Express.

Some guy tears up a 20, right, and everybody dives on it, fucking tapes it back together, and then goes by themselves a subject blimpy.

Now, what do you got to say there, buddy?

What are you going to tell me next?

The world is flat.

Not that I don't agree.

Not that I don't agree with that hypothetical person.

Anyways, plowing ahead here.

How are you?

How was your Monday?

I was going to get up this morning, ba to bato tu, and get on the elliptical, and uh I did not.

I woke up this morning and felt like I played three years in the NFL.

And what I did last week was I really researched what the fuck I was doing wrong with my leg workout,

you know,

because,

you know, I have thighs of steels, but buns of applesauce.

And I'm not talking about the fucking jar.

And what I realized was that my fucking, my, whatever the fuck, my quads were doing all the work, right?

My ass was just like some lazy dude just fucking going along for the ride.

You know, like that person when you're at the foretop and the check comes at the end of the night and everybody's digging in their pockets and stuff and that person just kind of fucking, oh man,

you're not going to believe this.

I left my wallet at home again,

right?

That's what my ass is like.

It's like the fucking dude who doesn't throw in at the end of the fucking night, you know?

You always come up short.

You always come up short.

It's the guy who collects the fuck.

I used to do a bit about this.

The guy who collects the money.

You know, everybody throws in 20 bucks and somehow you're always 10 bucks short.

It's the guy who collects the money.

He's the guy who fucking

shorted.

Because once he collects the money, all he's going to say is how much you have and what you need.

And he's just going to keep counting it, you know.

And then eventually one of you guys is just going to fucking cave

out of being like, you know, not liking confrontation.

And then you're going to throw in.

And then this fucker got his meal for $5, $6, $7 less.

All right?

So, anyways,

I got this new workout that I've been doing, and I did that.

And then the other night, you know, I had already worked out that day, and I went out in the garage, sort of stretched, and then skipped rope for fucking three rounds.

And I woke up this morning.

Oh, my God.

I felt like, you know, I felt like I ran a marathon.

Sometimes I forget my age.

You know what fucking cracks me up is people tell me I'm an old dad?

It's like, no, I'm not.

I'm not.

When you really look at it, when you go around, I mean, as far as my age, yes, I am.

But the physical shape I'm in, no.

Because

this is in defense of me.

And you guys can argue this.

I'm not saying I'm old to be a dad, but I'm not an old dad.

All right?

Because this is what happens.

If you have a kid at fucking 25, I see people who had a kid at 25.

I see what they look like at 35.

All right?

After finishing their kids' food and doing all of that shit, whatever the fuck it is they do.

You know, their bodies, they're done.

They're finished.

Alright?

I'm still doing pull-ups.

48 fucking years old.

I'll get on a bike.

You know, I skip rope.

I don't know.

Maybe I need a new pair of those fucking Steve Job New Balance.

You know, the classic old white guy sneakers, which are now those Skechers.

That is now the official, my fucking feet hurt.

Old white guy.

Not even old white guy, because those dudes, Shaq and all of them wear it on,

is it TNT or TBS?

I always get it confused.

Whatever channel the basketball's on, you know, whenever that one dude gets up and he goes over to the giant flat-screen TV

and they're wearing like the suit

and they got the fucking sneakers on, you know?

There's nothing worse than the old guy fucking sneakers.

All right, hang on a second.

I gotta fucking hang on.

All right, I'm back.

I don't know what what's going on there.

Suddenly, I was like, I was on a fucking airplane and my nose was closing up.

Ah, shit.

Now I figure out what the hell I was talking about.

Oh, I was talking about sketches?

Yeah, that is the official.

It's just, it's fucking over.

You know what I mean?

Like, if I was a gold-digging whore, you know, I'd go to the steakhouses, you know, where the fucking rich fucking dudes hang out, and that's all I'd be looking for.

I'd look for that fucking guy in the sketches, and I'd be like, all right, this guy's got no fight left in him.

All you do is bat your eyes at him, and then that's it.

Oh, my God.

He fucking hobbles over.

You're like, wow, those are really interesting shoes.

Oh, he's all excited about him.

It's like I'm walking on a cloud.

Yeah, why don't you walk on a cloud over to your fucking ATM?

I'm telling you right now,

if you're a fucking old rich dude right now, do not get a pair of Skechers.

All right?

You might as well have a please please gold dig me sign on the back of your fucking sport coat you know

um

anyway speaking of that i'm fucking worried about uh i'm not even gonna say the guy's name there's a fucking guy i'm watching his sports he's fucking huge now he's fucking huge just can't be that big can't be that big you start getting in those fucking those ages you know you retire a couple years you just blow up

it's not gonna be good you know i was watching that quiet riot thing as i mentioned and um you know they always made it seem like fucking the lead singer, Kevin Dubrow, like died under like a mountain of cocaine.

And it really wasn't.

He had a little bit of cocaine, a little bit of value, a little bit of alcohol.

And the fucking, you know, the Quincy guy there, the Jack Klugman Quincy guy was sitting there saying that once you get past a certain age, he goes, You can't do that.

You just can't do that today.

Hey, man, we're fucking ramping it up.

Now we're slowing it down.

Hey, we're going to level it out.

Your bartend's just like, you know what?

Fuck this.

How about that?

I'm calling the shots now, not you.

That's how it goes down.

You know?

So, anyways, getting back to that thing.

All these fucking, I'm telling you, you look at any dad 10 years in,

90% of them are just going to throw that out there without any research.

They're like 30 pounds over fucking weight.

All right?

I have lost weight since I've had a kid.

Yeah, I'm not going to be the fat dad.

I'm not going out like that.

I'm just not.

I'm not saying, you know, at some point, you know, gravity takes over.

You know?

I don't give a shit.

I'm adjusting.

I'm not fighting nature.

I mean, I'm trying to stay in fucking shape, but you know, I just, whatever.

You know, some of my hair started leaving.

I was like, you know what?

Fuck all of you.

I'm out.

Just shaved it.

Done.

What now?

What next?

You can't go hair plugs, man.

You can't fucking do it.

It's a slippery slope.

You know?

You start doing that Michael Jackson shit.

Then you're like, oh, what if I had a booty chin?

Huh?

Would that make me feel good about myself?

And you get the Botox, then you get the fucking.

Do they have like fake man pecs yet?

You know, and you can walk in and

pick like the chest you want, like off the wall,

chesticles, whatever the fuck they call pecs, you know?

I'm looking, look for like a Ben Hurt

meets Ken Patera.

I don't even know what you would do.

I bet that's what it's going to be like in the future.

Everybody's going to be like,

you're going to be like a resto mod, right?

Where it's going to be like, I'm going to be a 1968

white male heterosexual, right?

But under the hood, I'm going to have like a fucking, you know, the fucking Z06

20.

That'll be your heart, right?

You get a brand new fucking heart.

Brand new fucking heart.

That's like some sci-fi shit.

You know?

Where it's like, oh, God, this is so fucked up.

You'd have two kids.

One kid would be your real kid, and the other kid would be like the donor for the family.

Oh, Bill, why?

Why would you do that?

No, because you couldn't do that.

That's what rich people would do.

Rich people, okay,

once they have like all the robots around their mansion.

Isn't that a fucking movie right here?

They got all the robots guarding them, right?

And the only reason why they keep fucking people alive is that they need to like harvest their parts.

But they don't want the fucking poor people to completely rebel and take out a couple of their robots because it'll probably be the same amount of money as like a fucking F-18, right?

So what they'll do is they'll say, all right, poor people, you're allowed to have like, you know, four kids.

And for every four kids you have, like, you know, two of them got to be donors or something like that.

You know what I mean?

So like when I get to the age of, you know, I got to start wearing skechers.

You know, you come in, you fucking take take the feet, you know.

Ah, God, Bill, that's so fucking dark.

I know it is.

I know it is.

I've just been in a really dark place.

I don't know.

Some about becoming a parent, you just start thinking about the most horrific fucking shit that could possibly happen.

You know,

I swear to God, shit that used to kind of bug me now, like, really bugs me.

You know, if I see anything on TV of somebody like abusing a kid, obviously that always bugs you.

But once you fucking have one, you just like, you just start thinking, like, man, they should just, people who do that should, they should be lit on fire.

And then right before they die, you put them out.

I don't know what you would call that punishment.

What do you call that?

What do they call that?

When you fucking, when you cook a fucking steak,

sear it.

Yeah.

We're going to sear you.

That's what we're going to do.

You sear it, keep all the fucking vitals together.

I don't know, Bill.

Jesus Christ.

You know, we listen to this podcast, Bill, to get away from our troubles.

All right.

Fair enough.

Fucking fair enough.

I had a fun day yesterday when I wasn't watching the Celtics just get the shit kicked out of them in the second half.

You know, but I know we're going to win game six.

I don't even know that.

I hope we're going to win game six.

You know,

when will people learn not to talk shit?

Because it just motivates the other fucking team.

And then fans don't get that either.

I didn't see it.

You know, I was busy this weekend.

I had family in town visiting my daughter.

And I guess someone on the Celtics, I don't know if it was Green, said, Yeah, we're definitely going to beat him in the next game.

It said, Why would you do that?

That thing that

fucking Wall did on

Instagram alone to that guy in the Atlanta Hawks.

You know, this guy fucking thrives off a grudge.

Why the fuck would you do that?

So that the Wizard fans

come on.

He's opened up.

He's opened up.

They just saw the results of shit talk.

Right?

And I'm watching the Celtics walk off the court after a loss, and you see two fucking goddamn,

you know,

cotton candy eating fatties.

Not even fat, but just dad bods, just clapping, going, hey, great job, great job.

Like yelling at the Celtics as they're going off the court.

It's like, you fucking moron.

Why would you do that?

You don't say anything.

You cheer politely, you let them walk by, and then that's it.

And you let doubt slip into their fucking head.

You don't fucking yell at a professional athlete.

You think they're going to implode?

This isn't a field goal kicker.

Somebody's got the balls to go down the fucking lane, right?

All that's going to do is motivate them.

You guys never learn that shit?

Fucking morons.

And I'm talking to Celtics fans too, because they also do it.

You know?

I hate those people like right after they win a game, they just got to fucking talk all this shit.

You know,

Celtics getting that ass slapped, all that shit.

It's like, dude, it's 2-2.

And then they're going to disappear into the abyss if we win another two.

That fucking happens every time.

So we'll see.

I want to say that the Celtics will win the next game.

And then I think we lose in Washington, and then it just becomes like, what team is going to win on the road?

Or is the home team going to hold serve?

What am I fucking doing?

The NBA thing here.

I got to be honest with you, as much as I've really come back to the NBA and I enjoyed it.

When I'm watching an NBA game, when there's an NHL game and I flip over to it, it's not even close to the level of fucking excitement.

It's people jogging up the court versus people like skating around doing like 20, 30 miles an hour, slamming into each other.

Basketball people, they're all about, oh, but there's no scoring.

Which I understand.

It's one of my big complaints about when you watch soccer, other than the fucking flopping, which, by the way, Jesus Christ, did you guys see what's his face doing his salmon up the river?

Is that guy's name, Beal or whatever, on DC?

Did you just see all the fucking memes about that guy?

That was one of the worst.

If he just dove, that would have been fine.

But the way he threw his head back,

good lord.

Fucking Quiet Riot ought to have him as a front man.

He'd fucking sell every goddamn song

without a doubt.

But I got to admit, you know,

hockey's just where it's at.

And I also have to apologize to the Ottawa Senators.

I was watching that fucking game the other day, and

who was it?

The Rangers.

What was the score?

Were they up four to three?

Is that what it was?

Scored the fourth goal with like seven minutes to go, and I'm rooting for the Rangers.

Why?

I hate New York sports fans.

You know, can't stand them.

But Ottawa beat my Bruin, so I'm like, fuck it.

And I always got like a soft spot for the Rangers because I rooted for them in 94 to win the cup.

And that's one of the great, you know, runs I ever saw in sports.

So I'm rooting for them, right?

Plus, I got a couple of friends that are big Ranger fans.

So it's four to three.

Gets down to like a minute and change left.

And I'm thinking, you know, and I got family coming over, right?

I got to go downstairs.

I got to fire up the flat top.

Gonna make some burgers with a little bit of hash browns.

I don't do French fries.

I go hash browns.

I go hash browns on a flat top griddle.

I don't like French fries.

French fries past a certain fucking age.

You just, you can't do it.

They just take you down to the mat.

It's not the burgers, it's the fries.

It's not the pizza, it's the soda.

Or maybe it's the combination of the two.

That's probably what it really is.

When you have both of them, it's just like

it's fucking over, right?

So, minute change.

I feel like I'm fine.

I go downstairs, you know, brother's over here,

a couple of bud butt hods, right?

I come back in the fucking house, and he's like,

he's like, Ottawa won.

I go, what do you mean they fucking won?

How do they win?

Tied it up with like no time left, and then they gave me all right there, Fred, and overtime.

Anyways,

my apologies.

The Ottawa senators.

I just did not believe in them.

Evidently, they're for real.

And I think they're going to take series.

See what I just did there?

It made it sound like I was saying something positive about Ottawa.

But any real sports fan knows what I'm doing right now.

I'm trying to put a hex on them.

The old Ronnie Hexdahl.

No, I'm fucking with you.

I keep forgetting the Rangers are like a wild card.

I don't know.

The fucking Anderson, dude.

That guy's, he's the guy.

Everybody keeps talking about the dude with the busted foot skating around there.

Carlson, whatever the hell his name is.

You know, once the Russians came in and all the Eastern the Finnish people, I haven't been able to remember anybody's fucking name.

Really, Bill, you're going to blame that or your lack of short-term memory?

All right, maybe you got me.

Maybe that's what it is.

All right, let me type in my password here.

Let's see.

Let's see what we got coming up here.

I got to do a little bit of advertising here.

19 minutes in.

Maybe we'll talk about this.

Who the fuck is this

Bonamasa

live on tour near you?

Get tickets now.

These shows will sell out.

This fucking guitarist, this flyer, has been on everything I've looked at.

I don't know what I clicked on.

I don't know what I clicked on.

Well, here's the article I clicked on.

Two engaged doctors found bound and slain in luxury Boston penthouse.

Suspect in custody after shootout.

Who the fuck is that?

Just said it's somebody's 39th birthday tomorrow, and I have no idea who it is.

These fucking computers, man.

I don't know what's going on with them.

All right.

So,

two doctors who were engaged.

One was 49,

right?

The other was 39, right?

Or 38.

Boston police entered the 11th floor penthouse apartment Friday night.

They found a gruesome scene, which I'm not going to talk about.

Luxury condo, and this is what kills me about this whole story, no pun intended.

11th floor luxury penthouse in Dorchester.

You know, I know I moved away in 1995.

I know that's 22 years ago, but the fact that there's a luxury penthouse that two doctors are living in in Dorchester is unbelievable.

I remember when I was a kid, they used to talk about what Dorchester used to be.

They used to say, oh, this used to be this upscale place and blah, blah, blah.

And then it became blue collar.

And then the fucking crack 80s.

And then the whole fucking thing goes to shit, right?

To think that it's now back.

This is what I don't understand.

It's like every neighborhood now is becoming high-end.

It's like, where is everybody else going to go?

I really hope we don't end up like a third world country where it's just like,

you know, if you ever been to one, it's like you'll see like

these ridiculous mansions

and, you know, and a gated community with people like with like fucking machine guns standing outside of them, and then everybody else is living in a fucking tin shack.

I don't know.

Is that what I was supposed to get out of that story?

I mean, obviously, my condolence goes out to those two people.

Then they caught the fucking douchebag who did it.

Lunatic.

Trump's war on science continues with EPA firings.

President Trump's war on basic facts continues, but this time you literally end up choking on it.

Jesus Christ.

What is it about why do Republicans just act like the earth is just,

you know, like it's not a finite thing?

I just don't understand it.

I get that you have companies.

I get that you're sick of the tree huggers going, hey man, you're putting too many greenhouse gases.

I understand that that becomes annoying to you because all you stare at is your fucking bottom line.

But like, I just don't understand those fucking people.

They just said, there's plenty of water.

Look, there's a lake over there.

You know what the fuck?

Like how they just look at it like that.

I just don't understand it.

I think that they're just so fucking psycho-competitive

or just so unbelievably selfish.

They're like, well, even if what the tree huggers are saying is true, it's not going to help it in my lifetime.

And even if it does, I'll be too old to give a fuck.

Facebook's war against fake news in the UK is long overdue.

What is Facebook concerned with?

You know, I don't like that guy.

I don't like that fucking guy.

Zuckerberg, whatever his fucking name is, that runs this thing.

Since why is he so fucking involved in fake news?

You have a site that's for people to like, you know, figure out who the fuck they're going to bang that they used to went to high school with.

In November, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said the idea that so-called fake news could influence the U.S.

election was, quote, crazy.

Can you guys read between the lines here?

It's all fucking fake news.

It's all spun.

This guy, you know what this guy is right now?

This guy's like, he's a made guy.

And now he has a dog in the fight.

So now this fucking dope,

he's not dope.

Obviously, he started this little fucking chit-chat site.

Now he's going to decide what is real and what is fake.

So maybe he's saying it was crazy that it couldn't influence it.

Bill, maybe you should read the whole article before you throw this billionaire under the bus.

Okay, fair enough.

Sorry, Mark.

Six months later, however, the social network has announced an all-out war on misinformation and hoaxes in the UK before the general election in June.

Oh, I see.

I see.

You know what?

He either got paid off or he got a phone call about a convertible ride in Dallas.

That's what.

Somebody just called up, you know.

He just picks it up.

Picks up the phone.

Hello, Facebook, right?

And then he just had that, you know, that voice they always have,

you know, whenever they have like the gang members on TV, like, yo, Fresno, more folks come don't have scrap and go get capped and dead, right?

They had like that voice, except it was like a Luminati hitman calling up, you know.

He's like, hey, Mark,

Facebook, how may I help you?

Mark, if you don't get that fake news, no,

we're gonna stick an app up your ass.

Something like that.

They scared the shit out of him.

You know what?

You know how you scare the shit out of a fucking nerd?

You just take his phone away.

You take his phone away, and then you've threatened to burn one of his superhero costumes, and that motherfucker will tell you anything you want.

So now he's having this all-out war on fake news.

How do what the fuck does

why?

How do you tell what is fake and what isn't?

Everybody's lying.

Everybody's a fucking liar.

How many lies do you think Hillary and Trump told combined in just one debate?

You got two piles of shit just saying the other one smells worse, right?

Isn't that what it is?

Everybody's lying.

The whole fucking thing, you know, I still don't understand, and I know I always say this, whenever a bill gets passed,

why are they allowed to tag on all these other fucking things?

I've never understood.

Anyway, six months later, the guy's an all-out war

on on misinformation and hoaxes in the UK.

Oh, that's because they voted to leave the European Union, which probably fucked with the bankers who want to have everybody all unified, all on one currency that they are fucking printing.

So, inadvertently,

people just saying, hey man, let's get the fuck out of here.

Now you got to have an all-out war on it.

That's what happened.

The bankers hit men called this guy up, right?

All right, Facebook is tweaking its algorithms to try to halt the spread spread of misinformation, giving users tips on identifying sources designed to misinform.

And it even ran full-page advertisements in British newspapers on Monday reiterating how to spot misinformation online.

Oh, I want to see.

You can see the full advertisement below.

Well, let's see what they got here.

All right, tips for spotting false news.

One, the person you're talking to is wearing a trench coat with the fedora and sunglasses.

All right.

Be skeptical of headlines.

You know what?

They just took a picture of the newspaper, so I can't see this here.

Look closely at the URL.

Investigate the source.

Watch for unusual formatting.

Consider the photos.

Inspect the dates.

Check the evidence.

Look at other reports.

Is the story a joke?

Some stories are intentionally false.

I don't know.

If you use this algorithm for Facebook, would Facebook still exist?

I mean, the whole fucking thing is fake.

Everybody takes a picture, they hold the camera up over their fucking face so that drops like 40 pounds and ups their number from a four to a six, a six to an eight.

Right?

Everybody photoshops and does all that shit.

Wasn't old Kung Fu Kenny talking about that in his song?

I don't fucking know.

Why do I claim?

Some of Wall Street's top boutique firms just landed a big payday, and for some reason they have a picture of Aziz and Sari.

I mean, isn't that misinformation right there?

Aziz and Sari is not one of Wall Street's top boutique firms, is he?

That's misinformation.

He's a stand-up comedian, as far as I know.

All right, I think I've fucking filibustered long enough, haven't I?

You know what's funny?

When I think of Mark Zuckerberg, I don't think of Mark Zuckerberg.

I think of the fucking guy that played him in the movie.

And you know, when I look at Mark Zuckerberg, he looks way more annoying.

You know, I don't feel like reading this fucking shit.

There's three more of them.

I don't want to do this.

I don't want to talk about this.

Let's fucking.

Let me just give my brain a break.

All right?

So, anyways, yesterday I did this thing.

It was the Ronnie James Dio Ride for Cancer,

which it should be a ride to fight cancer.

It said it was the ride for cancer.

I was like, wait, are these people for cancer?

Are these people fans of disco?

And then I showed up, and it was a bunch of people with fucking Harley-Davidsons and

knives on their hips and shit.

I was like, no, these guys are fighting cancer.

Okay, I get it.

So I show up at this thing.

It was an Encino outside at this park, and I come walking in, and I'm going to introduce Stephen Adler's all-star band that he's putting together, right?

And they're going to play a few songs.

Eddie Money was there.

He was fucking hilarious.

Fucking hilarious.

Everybody there, like, I don't know, everybody there was just fucking killing it and had like a sense of humor about, you know, because they were outside.

It started raining a little bit.

And so I walk in there going, like, all right.

So they want me to joke around a little bit and intro the band.

And it's outside, the sun's out, and then it starts starts fucking raining.

It's a bunch of bikers.

This one guy walked in, I sweaty God, on his

back of his belt, he had this fucking sheathed knife.

It was like a fucking 10-inch blade.

It's like, what are you going to do with that?

You know,

the fuck are you going to do with that thing?

That's not to defend yourself.

You're going to murder anybody.

Maybe that's what it is.

People see that, and it's just, dude, this guy could kill a fucking bear with this thing.

So I'm just thinking, oh God, this is, how is this going to go, right?

So I'm watching the bands and I'm enjoying everybody, yet in the back of my head going like, well, how the fuck am I going to deal with this?

Eddie Trump was there and he was introing the band and they were being nice and polite to him.

So I was thinking, all right, but he's not trying to be funny, even though he was being funny, but he wasn't billed as a stand-up comedian.

So

I ended up going up there.

Joked around a little bit.

They laughed and I intro the band.

I turn around and then of course they give me the stretch sign, you know, because it had finally stopped fucking raining.

They were getting rid of the four-posted canopy that they had over the drum kit.

And

I actually joked around.

I went good.

I had a great fucking time, and it took me back to

when I used to do college gigs.

The college gigs were the worst because you'd show up as an unknown comedian, and they would fucking stick you anywhere.

Outside, inside, raining, snowing.

They didn't give a fuck.

Cafeteria, hallway, mic, no mic.

You know, figure he'd come out and walk out of that walk-in closet.

It just took me back to those days and like really having to fight to get the crowd.

And I ended up having a great time.

And

it was great, man.

I got to watch fucking

Adler play again.

And you know what's killing me?

Was he does a lot of those fucking three in a row on the bass drum.

You know, just playing even like eighth notes at like a a mid-tempo.

But the way he puts them in really propels the song.

So I'm watching him play Welcome to the Jungle.

And the last time I watched him play, I figured out something that he was doing.

So this time I'm watching his footwork.

All right.

And there's this fucking guy taking picture of him.

Every time he goes to do that thing, like,

and I'm starting to get it.

This guy keeps getting in my way.

And then like, I had this, then the cameraman.

Finally got out of the way and I'm getting to watch him play a whole verse and it's coming and I have this anxiety going, please, please, don't anybody fuck this up.

Don't anybody fuck this up.

And all of a sudden, I feel this tap on the shoulder.

Hey, Bill, big fan of the podcast.

Can I get a picture?

I was like, ah.

And I have too much of a need to be like to say, hang on a second.

So I fucking missed it again.

Because my ears aren't good enough the way they've mixed it.

You know what I mean?

With the bass and the bass drum.

Sometimes I can't tell.

Did he do it?

Do you know?

What's he playing right there?

I don't know.

I don't know.

It'll be a lifelong fucking obsession.

But I got to watch him do that.

Leader Ford came out, sang sweet child of mine.

And then they played Rocket Queen.

He fucking murdered it.

And I had a great time.

So thank you to everybody at that event who showed up to raise money for cancer.

You know what was the best?

Was at one point they were singing a Dio song.

And

I was telling my buddy about this.

And

first of all, I'm looking at all the people in the fucking crowd.

And they're all my age and a little bit older.

And I'm just like, wow, man, we are fucking old, right?

But everybody's having a great time.

And this fucking fucking dude, five foot-nothing, goes up there.

I saw him on another event, and he's somehow related to Ronnie, or doesn't, I don't know if he's an impersonator, I don't know what, but he

really captures

like Ronnie's range and really can sound like him.

And he started singing, dude, and the crowd, there was this one fucking guy in the crowd, man.

He fucking lost it.

He still had the Vince Neal haircut, not the teased up one when it's just fucking laid down.

And he had like a fucking keg cup filled with beer, well into his 50s.

You know, so he's got the whole dad bud and shit.

He lost his fucking mind.

Because I knew this guy was good, so I was looking in the crowd because I wanted to see their reaction.

And this guy just fucking lost it.

He's just pointing it, he started pointing at the singer, like, you know, doing the double point while holding his cup.

And he was just like, yeah!

He's looking at his friend.

His eyes are all wide.

Couldn't fucking believe it.

And I was thinking, like, that was the kid when I would go to go see these bands who was about five years older than me.

You know, already had, like, the fucking awful mustache going.

And, you know, and he'd have some hot, skanky-looking chick with some fucking pink and black, you know, leopard print.

spandex on

you know and I was sitting there with my fucking you know, Ralph Mouth look, you know, couldn't grow.

My hair would never grow down.

It would just grow out.

Look like fucking Bernie from room 222.

And I just always think, like, oh, man,

if I had brown flat hair, man, I could get one of those spandex chicks.

I used to think that shit.

Rather than thinking, like, why don't you just fucking have a little confidence and say hello, you know?

This is the one thing.

No matter how fucked up you look, you have to hold on to the fact that you got to be somebody's fetish.

There's always hope.

You know what I mean?

You're not ugly.

You just haven't met somebody who's into what you're doing or the fucking hand you were dealt.

Okay?

And if anything tells me that, it's when you watch those storage wars.

Because to me, that's just a bunch of shit.

I don't want any of it.

And everybody's fucking, everybody else is freaking out.

Like, dude, look at that.

That's a dartboard.

I think that's a dartboard in that case.

My god, that's a refrigerator.

You think there's food in there?

You know, the shit that they're looking at.

You know, maybe that's what you are.

Maybe physically what you look like, you're the human version of what they find in those storage sheds.

You know, and if you got a great heart, well, goddamn it, you're like one of those original Civil War fucking muskets.

All right, that was positive.

That was a positive thing, so I think it's time.

You know what?

I think I can do a little more advertising there.

Hey, you guys know Al Madrigal, one of the co-founders of the All Things Comedy Network, huh?

Now that we're making fucking video content, we got a cooking show coming out.

We got a political show coming out.

We got this poker game we shot.

We got shit.

We got investors.

It's all going great.

Well, listen, Al Madrigal has a new fucking special

that is right now.

It premiered last Friday night on Showtime, and it is now on Showtime on Demand.

And speaking of all things comedy, there's a new podcast out from the wonderful Nick Yousef.

It's called Nick America.

Nick interviews people of all backgrounds about what makes them American.

This week, he has comedian Fahim Anwar.

Subscribe and listen on iTunes or SoundCloud on the all things comedy page.

All right, let's get into

some shit here for the week.

All right, let's see some questions here.

95-year-old hockey player.

Hey, Billy Pucknuts.

I saw this video and thought you'd get a kick out of it.

Maybe it'll even motivate you to get your old red tits out there and keep playing hockey.

I want to.

I just don't have time.

It's amazing how much good you can do to yourself just by staying active.

Anyways, here's the link and go fuck yourself.

P.S.

Thanks for making my work days crawl by a little bit faster there, dude.

It means a lot, kids.

Anyways, yeah, I watched this.

This guy's 95 years old.

He's still playing pickup hockey.

Obviously, he's not flying around out there, but

that's another reason why hockey is great.

It's one of the greatest old man sports ever because you don't have to run around.

You're just gliding.

You know, it's great cardio.

It's phenomenal.

Oh, man, in the spirit of that guy, I got to get back out there and play it.

I have not played since I played in like September or October of 2015.

I didn't play once last year, and I've yet to play this year.

It's hard because we get ice time late at night.

And, you know, I got the kid now,

who, by the way, I'm telling you, late at night is in the morning and late at night are my two favorite times.

You know, when she just wakes up and she's just looking at you and she's just talking all this gibberish,

smiling and all that.

And then late at night, when she gets all fussy and everything, when me and Nia just sit there and totally like engage with her, you know, she's just like the look on her face,

just completely enamored.

You know, you gotta understand.

I mean, obviously, you just heard me read out loud.

So you know how fucking dumb I am.

So to have another human being looking at you like you have all the answers, I mean, it's fucking unbelievable.

And then this fear creeps in where you're just like, what's going to happen the day she realizes

I really don't have any answers.

Honey, let me introduce you to the world of going with your gut.

All right, fear of driving.

Hello, billy boy.

I hope the day is treating you and your family well.

Well, thank you.

Well, just like the title says, I am completely terrified to drive a car.

By the way, that guy just went totally different.

Rather than calling me an asshole, he actually said something nice.

I'm completely terrified of driving a car.

I'm 21 and can't drive worth a shit.

And I've been lucky enough to have a family that takes me to my college for classes, which is

thankfully close by.

Are they helping you or enabling you?

The problem is, I need my license.

It's the last thing I need to truly be independent.

The problem is that when I get behind the wheel to practice driving, I tense up.

Every horrible outcome pours into my stupid brain.

What if I make a mistake and get someone killed, or accidentally hit a car full of kids and kill them?

I would not be able to live with myself, so my brain just goes into hyper mode and I just start getting jittery and really sweaty.

I don't want to lose, I don't want to be this loser anymore, Bill.

Any advice?

Yes.

Drive on Sundays.

All right?

Drive to an empty parking lot.

It's hard to find them nowadays because nobody really,

you know, gives a shit about those old Puritan laws

back in the day, you know,

when liquor stores, and you couldn't, everybody, like Sunday was a day of rest.

So I learned how to drive.

My dad used to take me down to the South Shore Plaza

in Braintree, Massachusetts, on Sundays, and I learned how to drive on a 78 Chevy Chevette four-speed standard transmission.

I actually took my driver's test on a stick shift, and

he used to, you know, he used to do that with all of us.

He'd take us down there.

You know, you got to a certain age, he'd just take you down there.

He'd teach you how to drive, and

that was the way to do it.

So, what I would do, if I was you, is I would go down there, have your parents drive you down there, and just drive around an empty parking lot, or drive down like a quiet neighborhood, and you just gradually build more and more confidence.

And the only way you get over something is you got to face it.

So, this is what I would do, right?

I would just go down there.

You know, the first time you just drive around there in the car the whole time.

All right, the next time you do it, you drive around, and when you got 10 minutes left in the driving thing, you just tell your dad, hey, dad, why don't you just step out for a second?

And I'll just the same thing I did last week when I got back into flying the helicopter.

You know, I took two lessons.

One, I rode, you know, I was with the instructor.

The next time, once again, I was with the instructor, and then at the end of the lesson, I asked him to step out and I flew it around by myself.

Gives you confidence.

Yeah, my palms were sweating.

I was nervous, but,

you know,

I mean, it's really a metaphor in life, dude.

I mean, you kind of got to face this type of shit.

So,

if I was you, considering you have such a fear, no pun intended, I would totally steer into this.

You could take a defensive driving course, and then I bet there's actually, I don't know where you live, but sometimes, you know, they have like these,

I know out here, they have like, they have a course out here where they'll teach you how to do all like that shit from the movies.

Like spin the car around.

I mean, why don't you go from being totally terrified to just becoming a fucking expert?

You know, learn how to do burnouts and all of that shit.

Then you become an absolute terror on the fucking road.

Learn how to drift.

You know?

Just

master the shit as much as you can, and then driving down the street will be a joke.

And as far as like killing a bunch of kids and everything like that, the level of technology nowadays with like the airbags and all that, you don't sound like you're going to be driving super fast.

So the worst thing you're going to do is just crumple up some fenders.

That's all.

But you can do it.

You just get out there.

So just baby steps.

Baby steps.

That's all you got to do.

I'm flying again this week.

I'm flying on Tuesday.

And then I got some other family coming in.

I'm going to take some people up this weekend.

Going up with instructor.

I've yet to have the balls to bring a passenger up, even though I know I could do it.

I can't take a family member up.

I was joking with a buddy of mine, Jay Lawhead.

I think I'm going to take him up first.

I was like, dude, I have to deal with the pressure of just the love I have for a friend.

Forget about an actual family member or my wife or something like that.

So, anyways, all right.

So, that's what I would do.

So, dude, as I get over my fear of, you know, bringing up a passenger, you know, you update me, I'll update you.

All right?

So, good luck.

You can do it, man.

All right, ex-girlfriend's blanket.

Hey, Billy Boo Radley, I have a question for you.

My ex-girlfriend's grandmother made me a blanket for Christmas, and I kept it after we broke up.

We broke up a little over six years ago, and my girlfriend and I have been together ever since.

We just had our six-year anniversary and are talking about getting married.

My ex just got married last week and brought up the question of the blanket.

Wait a minute, you broke up with this woman six years ago.

You still have the blanket.

She just got married.

It's six years later, and she just brought up the question, meaning you're still in contact with her?

Should we get rid of the blanket?

I don't think you meant to say your ex.

I think, don't you mean your current one?

You just lost.

My ex-girlfriend's grandmother made me a blanket for Christmas, and I kept it after we broke up.

Broke up a little over six years ago.

My current girlfriend and I have been together ever since.

We just had a six-year anniversary, and we're talking about getting married.

My ex just got married last week.

Oh, and that brought up the question of the blanket.

I'm sorry.

Jesus, this poor bastard's probably listening to this podcast scorn.

I said that!

I said that in the sentence.

Read what I wrote.

All right, should we get rid of the blanket?

It wouldn't,

it wouldn't that big a deal, it it wouldn't be that big a deal, but my ex-grandmother stitched our names and our anniversary into it.

Oh my god, dude, what the fuck?

It's like a championship banner for your former relationship.

Also, my current girlfriend and I really like the blanket.

It's the color of the college

where my current girlfriend and I first met, and we have a lot of memories having Minnesota blizzards under the blanket.

Dude, this is so fucking weird.

Your new girlfriend snuggled under a blanket with your name and your past girlfriend's name and with your anniversary date on it.

My current girlfriend's from California, and these were some of the first blizzards she had seen, so it was a special experience for her.

What should we do with the blanket?

I think you should keep it, you fucking weirdos.

I don't have any advice for you.

This is the weirdest fucking shit ever.

So my ex-girlfriend just got married last week, and that brought up the question of the blanket.

From who?

You both seem to like it.

Jesus Christ, why don't you make a voodoo doll of your fucking ex-girlfriend and spoon with it between the two of you and have a threesome?

We would appreciate your advice as we are both fans of the podcast and your stand-up.

Thanks and go fuck yourself.

Yeah, you guys are fucking bizarre when it comes to that.

Jesus Christ.

Why don't you just put in a fucking sex tape you guys made?

I don't know.

Maybe I read it wrong.

Maybe I was being too harsh.

I apologize, but that's just fucking weird.

Dad kicked off Delta flight,

dear illiterate cunt.

Uh, there you go, that's that's the usual intro that I'm used to.

Um, have you seen the video of the guy and his family getting kicked off a Delta Airlines flight the other day?

The video is long but worth watching in full.

At one point, they threatened to put him and his wife in jail and his kids in foster care.

What is going on?

My first question is: what the hell is going on the past week with all these

airplane incidents?

The Asian guy getting his ass kicked.

Yeah, that was brutal.

Some young broads not being allowed to board due to wearing yoga pants.

And the world's largest rabbit dying in transport under a plane.

Well, I mean, you know, that can happen.

Why is this suddenly a trend?

Secondly, I have to commend the father for his overall attitude and demeanor in the video.

While watching, I couldn't help but wonder how it all all would have gone down if an angry East Coast father were in this guy's shoes.

Can you imagine an angry father driving to the airport with his bitchy wife and whining toddler, searching for parking, getting the car seat out of the car, pushing a stroller through security, hauling your shit

all the way to the gate, boarding, and then being told they sold your seat to someone else, and you either have to hold your kid the entire flight or get off the fucking plane.

Sounds more like an episode of Efforts for Family than it does reality.

Just wanted to share.

Hope you and the lovely Nia keep your DVR relationship afloat in your flooded house.

Yeah, I think it's time for other passengers to speak up.

Everybody just sits there silently as they yank these people off the plane.

I don't understand why, like,

it's like, yeah, we sold this to someone else.

It's like, you also sold it to me, and I have my receipt, my ticket, and I'm on this flight.

So, you're trying to say that someone else is more important?

What I would do is, I would sue the fucking shit out of that airline.

They need to be sued because it's their fuck-up, and they're making it somebody else's.

They're making it the customer's fault, and the level of trauma that they're bringing to people.

Like, right now, you know something?

Why don't we all just fire off angry fucking letters to United and Delta?

Why don't we get organized?

Why?

I don't even, if anybody can send me the link where to do that,

you know, the problem is if they're all fucking doing it, then where do you go?

You go to Southwest.

Southwest hasn't done anything like that, have they?

American hasn't done it.

United's done it.

Delta's done it.

So fuck both of them.

Fuck both of those airlines till they learn how to treat people right.

And Jesus Christ, and they learn how to count.

How many seats you got?

How many tickets did you sell?

Well, there you go.

No, that that you, I don't know, man.

The problem is that they're an organized entity and that the passengers are not.

I remember that flyers' rights thing was going down a while ago.

Can that thing be like revived

and

when they start to yank somebody off with their fucking children?

I mean, that's

no one wants that to happen to them.

That shouldn't happen.

You shouldn't be able to bully people like that.

If you make a mistake as an airline, you should eat the cost

instead of passing it on to everybody else, like to have security go down there.

If they ever do that to me, I'm going to be like, I'm not leaving.

I'm not leaving.

If you physically remove me from my seat that I paid for and I have the receipt, I've done nothing wrong.

I'm not a threat.

I'm ready to fly.

I'm going to sue.

I'm going to, I can't say the living shit.

I'm going to sue you guys.

You know, I mean, do they at least give them miles?

Do they do anything anymore?

I don't know.

Corporations are a fucking disease.

They're completely out of control, and they have no

the only thing they have sympathy and empathy for is the bottom line.

That's all they care about.

And if you work in those worlds, like

I understand if you're on the lower levels, you know, you're not about that.

But on those upper levels, you guys, I don't know.

I don't know how you do it, but you guys, you're pieces of shit that you could do that, you know?

If I fucking, if somehow that ever happened at one of my comedy shows, there's no fucking way I'm letting that person get kicked out.

There's no fucking way.

Find a chair.

Fucking let the person sit on the side of the stage.

There's chairs on the side of the stage.

There's always, you know, for the union guys, I'd fucking get one of those chairs and hand it to the person.

Let them sit on the side of the stage, take a picture.

You fucking, when you fuck up like that, it's up to you.

They're doing the exact opposite of what they should be doing.

You know?

Don't kick the person off.

Whoever you fucked over, you give them whatever you have to give them in the airport.

If they have some sort of, you know, place they have to be, you got to figure out how to get them there.

You know?

Offer enough

to people.

There's going to be some single dude who's got nothing to go home to other than a fucking futon.

Just be like, dude, we'll get you a 12-pack.

We'll give you 30,000 fucking miles.

I mean, what do you give a shit?

You're a fucking multi-million dollar.

There's a way to do it.

If I was running an airline, it would just, you know, I'd have a guy come on, dressed like a fucking game show host.

All right, and be like, I got cash in my suit pocket.

You know, have a couple of hot chicks dressed like bunnies, you know, that'll fucking walk you down, you know.

Or if you're gay, you know, you're a gay dude, you know, have a couple of fucking shredded, tanned-up guys, shirtless, whatever the fuck you want.

It'd be the greatest walk you ever had up to fucking tarmac, you know?

Give you a stack of cash like fucking Henry Hill, you know?

Why don't you do it that way instead of coming down

fucking all knees and elbows and

gorilla somebody off a fucking plane?

It's so stupid.

All right, boyfriend troubles.

Hey, Bill, I was wondering if you could help with issues I'm having with my boyfriend.

He's really really sweet, but sometimes too sweet.

Oh, Jesus.

He's too submissive, and I wish he could be more dominant.

All right, okay.

He's fucking

he would give up his seat.

Is that what you're saying?

I don't know how to bring it up to him without hurting his feelings.

I really want to do

BDSM, bondage, sadomasochist.

Wait, the screen just went out.

Rape roleplay, but every time we try it, it never works.

How can I

toughen him up?

Oh my god, that's a fucking sketch right there.

He's too sweet.

He's a sweet, nice guy, and you want to do that with a sweet, nice guy?

Hey,

don't move, or I'll

bop you on your head.

Honey, you got to speak a little more firmer than that.

I will bop you on the head.

Stop saying bop.

You're drying me up.

How can I tough him up?

You know what?

You can't.

You can't.

What you're looking to do, you can't do with a person like that.

You just got to understand that he's a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.

No fucking pun intended.

And

I don't know.

You know,

it's like that whole sex thing, you got to like, you guys, you got gotta vibe with each other.

If the vibe isn't there, especially with something like that, I mean, that's gonna be

the most awkward thing ever.

Do you do the whole act out?

Do you tell him to go outside and try to, like, you know, he probably knocked on the door?

Hello, here to rape you, if that's okay.

Yeah, you're, you're with, I would say you're with the wrong guy.

That's all.

So you gotta, you know, I don't know.

I have no idea.

I don't know what to tell you.

Yeah, I'm gonna leave it at that.

I really need Nia here.

You know,

that's just like a whole.

I don't know that you can do that.

Is there any woman out there?

Have you been able to?

Because I gotta tell you from the other side,

back in the day when I was a single man, you know, glory days, they'll pass you by, glory days,

and the wing of young girls.

Um,

what I would do,

well, I guess you've already done this, so it's not working on it.

What I would always do when you were trying to like

get a woman to not be so because it was really with a lot of women, they're super self-conscious.

It's not like they don't know what they want to do or want to try, it's they're so afraid of how a guy that they actually like is going to judge them.

So, what I did was I would just

gradually

create this environment where it's just like, yeah, I'm not going to, I'm not going to judge you.

I don't, whatever the fuck you want to do.

And I really believe that.

I mean, just like, I don't judge anybody, whatever the fuck they want to do.

If that's what you're into, go ahead and do it.

As long as the other person is also into it, you know,

that's fine.

So you had to create

this environment where they weren't afraid to say what they wanted to try, which I used to say you were drawing out their inner whore,

which is still judgmental.

You really want what you're doing is you're freeing them up.

You know, it's like freaking free is freeing up as a comedian.

You know, you just sort of leave your act behind, you just, you know, you bomb a little bit, then you get relaxed, then you're fine.

Trying to free yourself up on an instrument, I imagine it's the same way, and there's no difference.

Same thing in the bedroom.

However,

what the fuck is that noise?

Is that my phone?

Oh, yes, it is.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Anyways, all right, I got to get off the phone here.

So

there are certain people

they don't have, like what you're looking for there.

This person probably doesn't have it in him, so I don't know what to tell you.

But I mean, if you haven't done anything else, you kind of started way down the fucking road You know what I mean?

Jesus Christ just have him slap your ass a little bit.

I mean fucking baby steps go rent what about Bob learn about baby steps and maybe you could gradually

you know

Take this sweet innocent person and turn him into a fucking deviant.

I have no idea.

I don't know what to tell you

Unfortunately Nia is still sleeping downstairs, so I don't know.

I don't know what to tell you.

It's been my experience that

you know,

I don't know.

If someone's not into it, they're not into it.

You just fucking leave it at that, right?

Isn't that what it is?

Jesus, this is awkward.

All right, that's the podcast.

That's the podcast.

Go, Celtics.

How about the fucking Predators?

First ones to advance to the conference finals.

Beating, meet me in St.

Louis, Louis.

Blues go home coupless once again.

Once again, 50 fucking years, no cup.

The Edmonton Oilers coming back after that brutal fucking loss in overtime.

Jesus, was it going to be Edmonton and the Predators?

Was it going to be the Ducks?

Oh, God.

I don't know.

I just never been in.

I just could never get over it.

I've never forgiven them for being owned by Disney and named after a kid's movie.

The Mighty Ducks.

You know, maybe if they still had the fucking

intestinal fortitude, as they always used to say in wrestling, to still call themselves the mighty ducks.

The fact that

they got rid of the mighty, you know,

it's like they're trying to run from their history.

It's like KFC.

You're Kentucky fried chicken.

You know?

Stop trying to fucking lighten it up.

Wait a minute.

Who the fuck is left?

Yeah, I still think the Penguins are going to do it.

You know, Crosby's come back, seems to be all right.

I think the Penns got it.

And I can say that, having watched 10 games this year.

All right, go fuck yourselves.

I'll check in on you on Thursday.

All right.

This is Larry Flick, owner of the Floor Store.

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