Comedian Carol Leifer 'How To Write A Funny Speech' | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-21-25

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All right, hey, what's going on, everybody?

It's Bill Burr.

It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

And as I always say, as I always say, if it's being videotaped, that means I have a very special guest because I don't have a bunch of guests on the podcast, especially this year.

And

this guest that I have today, I've known about since before I did stand-up comedy.

That's right.

One of the OGs of the New York comedy scene, the one and only Carol Leafer, who has a new book out, which is right in my wheelhouse.

Because this is what I do when I look at a book.

The first thing I do is I go to the back page and I go, How many pages is this, and how big is the printing?

Oh, the printing's a little small, not gonna lie to you.

How many pages comes in?

128.

Yes.

You can read the 130.

You can read this and say, I read a book.

Right.

It's called How to Write a Funny Speech.

Parentheses for a wedding, bar mitzvah, graduation, and every other event you didn't want to go to in the first place.

Yes.

I cannot tell you.

I cannot tell you how much I needed this book earlier this year.

Really?

Because I have avoided these things.

You

my whole life.

I get afraid of these things because.

I'm surprised.

Well, I do stand-up.

I know, but you're a sneaker.

But with your shirt, hey, fuck you.

Like, I can do that.

But to go up and say something nice,

because I'm a dick all the time, I've held back all these nice, loving feelings.

And then if I feel like if I start to let them out,

I'm going to go dick for meal.

Like, Dick for Meal, one of my favorite NFL coaches, could not give a post-game speech without breaking down crying so i get so nervous that that's gonna happen so finally what happened was i got asked to do a gig that i could not turn down yeah so a friend of mine was getting this award and couldn't turn it down money-wise or uh you know no no not money not money wise it was it was like

like uh

It was for Conan.

And Conan has been such in my corner my whole career.

He's the first guy that let me do panel.

Him and Andy, like if Conan and Andy ever need anything, like

I have to be there or I am the biggest piece of shit that ever, because that's how amazing they've been for me.

So he was getting this award, the Mark Twain thing, and I was like,

you know, they, you know, Conan doesn't know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You know he knows.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So if I say no to that,

he's going to know.

Yeah, and it's just like

that was a night.

Yes.

That was an event.

And this was a person that meant so much to me.

And it was such a big award.

I had to be there for him.

Absolutely.

You just had to.

So I said yes, and

it was hanging over me for a month.

Of what are you going to say?

And I would start to write stuff, and I would literally get emotional when I wrote it, going like, I'm going to fall apart on this, and I'm going to look like an asshole.

I can't do this.

So

I needed this book.

I don't know what...

Well, what sparked it was

Rick Mitchell, the other guy I wrote it with, we've been to too many events where people get up, they make a speech, and they shit the bed.

Yes.

And it's not only.

But not in an entertaining way.

No, no.

And it puts a damper on the rest of the event.

Yes.

So that, and we felt like it's not that hard to give a good speech, to give a funny speech.

So we walk people through it.

And it's important now because when you used to give a bad speech, and maybe it was a funny, funny story at Thanksgiving.

Now somebody's recording it.

It's up on the web.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

So that's.

Oh, there used to be like, you know, okay, I'll shake that off in a week.

Yes.

Like, I feel bad for kids.

Like, you used to just get hit in the nuts, and that was it.

And now it's just like

it's on the internet forever.

It's haunting you.

Yes.

Yes.

So we did it as a public service, Bill.

Both for the speaker and for the listener.

Yeah,

because I went to an event where the father of the bride got up there and he started listing her scholastic achievements.

Well, she went to NYU undergrad, then did her master's.

And it was such a nightmare that people at the Valet Parker were talking about it as they were leaving how bad his speech was so you don't want this to be and you know and you know he loved his daughter to death yes so he probably didn't know what to to say oh my god I've been to so many weddings

I went to one where the groom

was

had to, you know, decide, just he got pressured into giving a toast.

Yeah.

and he just wasn't ready for it.

And it was always so awful.

They're still married, but it just seemed like this marriage isn't going to last because he was like,

she,

and we were like, makes you laugh, makes me laugh.

Thank you.

Light of your life.

Light of my life.

I went to one where the person was supposed to do, it was a set amount of time because it's a wedding.

Yeah.

So like, this person speaks, this person speaks, and this person speaks, and then the first course comes out.

And this person got into like a flop sweat thing

and went way over their time to the point people were just staring down at the table.

And it put like the food behind and all of that stuff.

Can you

for because what I love about this is, you know, my generation, you know, if I hadn't started so late with kids, like if you're like 57 like me,

you're, you know, oldest to second oldest are probably just getting married now.

Uh-huh.

And two things, like, what's

what's what are some of of the key points to giving these speeches?

And how, if you're actually

hiding behind being a dick, but you're actually a big-hearted person that's going to fall apart.

How do you maintain your composure so you can say the nice things that you want to say,

but not make anybody feel like they're watching somebody whose dog just died?

Because that's the problem I have.

Yeah.

All right.

Here to help you.

Okay.

So the number one rule that you already mentioned is not going on too long.

Literally five minutes and under.

Because people get up there, you know.

Five minutes and under.

Yes, you could do it.

Even if it's your own daughter.

Even if it's your own daughter.

You can't do six minutes.

Okay, this is a late night set.

Exactly.

Right.

Don't you usually get everything you want to say in a late night set in five minutes?

Sure, you do.

Okay.

I'm just relieved when it's over.

But I'm just saying, yeah, that's all late night was.

It went well.

I got the thumbs up.

Yeah, but when a regular person gets up there, they got to keep it tight.

You know, you don't want to sit there.

Your phone's already updated twice.

Let's get on with it.

Let's get on with it.

Leave them wanting more.

Yes.

And that's also a stand-up rule.

Leave them wanting more.

Another thing that people do that I think is so bizarre, have you seen people get up?

They start talking about the person.

You have no idea who they are to the person they're celebrating.

They just start talking and you're trying to figure out, is this his brother?

Is this his friend?

You know, it becomes like an episode of dateline.

Right.

Like, who is this?

Right.

So you have to say who you are to the person.

Now, regarding heartfelt and funny.

See, I'm very surprised because most stand-ups love giving speeches.

I'm very surprised to hear that.

You don't.

But was it because you felt you were going to have so much emotion that you were going to break down the conversation?

No, you know what I always do?

Yeah, I catastrophize.

So, the second I get out of my comfort zone, a comedy club, right?

If there's any sort of public speaking,

I have it in my head that everything's going to go wrong, everybody's going to hate me, my career is going to end, and I have to move back in with my parents.

Like, that's how far I go.

So, but what I've found in life is

like, I think it's a mountain, and it's literally like stepping up onto a curb.

Yeah.

So, So, this year

I've done three of those.

Oh, okay.

I did, I did the Conan one.

Yeah.

How did that go, by the way?

It went great.

Well, so, what I learned was that what I had to do was say two, three nice things and then make a joke.

There you go.

Two, three nice things, make a joke, and then I could,

or if I'm gonna say something nice,

sort of give them a dig

as I go.

So, yeah.

Um,

so that that's how I got through the Conan thing.

But I will say, had I known

that John Mulaney was going on first, yeah, like we're because he's he's the best, like that, that guy is just like ridiculous, right?

Yeah, so if I knew he was going on first, I would have been like, you don't need me.

I'm not going to, like, I was sitting, I think I was sitting next to Sarah Silverman at that thing, and like John Mulaney goes up, and I'm looking, like, we got to follow this.

This is fucking ridiculous.

ridiculous and then Will Farrell and then Tracy Morgan I'm like this one after another yeah yeah right so that's another thing too

is there anything in there about feeling like an imposter like you you don't you shouldn't be there

well it's not you know the events that you go to or speak at it's a million comedians it is good to know who you're following because it's like any comedy club lineup you don't want to follow somebody that strong but um your regular person,

you know, the thing that we also say in the book and try to convey to people is the bar is set very low

for a person.

When people get,

oh, I don't know what to do.

I'm nervous.

You're supposed to be nervous.

We go out as stand-ups.

We have butterflies.

You know, it's good.

It gives you energy.

But people are rooting for you.

And I think once people know that about giving a speech, it really can calm themselves.

Self-deprecating is always like, I feel like that is like, all right, so this person, then it gives them something to root for.

Like, if you go up there and you're like, all right, I'm amazing, then there's no way to, you have to be amazing.

Right.

And then if you're not quite amazing, then people are like, yeah, and then they give you that energy.

But if you're up there going, like, all right, you know,

I'm a carpenter.

I don't usually do this.

Ha ha ha.

You know, my son.

And then, and then, if you, I also think that in those things, keeping it tight, like if you really want to get compliments

at the end, one of the best things about a speech is it being concise.

Yes.

Get up there

and all comedians have been guilty of staying too long and then trying

to find

that next, a laugh big enough to get off on.

And it's just like...

Not necessary.

No.

And then you're also digging the hole deeper for the next comedian who's got to come up there with this.

Right.

Yeah, this warn out.

I also think what's funny about this is as much as it's a generous thing for you to do it's also coming from a place of like if i have to sit and watch another person with no clue right one more and a microphone

for a half all right so wait a minute okay what happened the last time where you finally were like all right after all of my years in comedy i need to help these people yeah we just couldn't take it anymore what what happened was it a series of speeches in a row in a short period of time it was a a series.

It was

a frat brother who got up there and, you know, had a drink, then had like six more.

And how horrible is it when you go up there, you have to watch somebody who's hammered giving a speech and they think it's great and you're sitting there like, oh my god, this is so embarrassing.

I can't take this.

Or sometimes people

we did an experiment.

Like I helped a friend of mine with her speech because I really couldn't take it.

And she.

This is very Larry David.

Like, like, like, these people is like, yeah.

Like, you just, like, freaking out about how bad they were.

I don't know.

I don't know.

It's just something.

I don't know.

Well, you know, I wrote on curb, so it's very in my wheelhouse.

Oh, there you go.

Yeah, yeah.

So.

Yeah, I just pictured him going, wrap it up.

And that being an episode, right?

Everyone was thinking it.

why why can't i say it did you really tell jeffrey to wrap it up when you were sitting in the middle

um some people use ai

this is the worst idea ever because we took i sat down with my friend we were going over uh parts of her speech to talk about her daughter and then we gave it to ai and it was like even from the beginning bill Her opening was, good evening, distinguished guests.

I mean, what is this, a Rotary Club meeting?

Do you know what's fucked up?

Is how many people, regular people right now, are going on TV and on social media and everything and just talking about how amazing AI is.

I literally think that it is a

I feel like AI is the end of the human race.

Absolutely.

And it's going to be the billionaires, and then they're going to have these robot slaves that they've always wanted.

Do whatever they want them to do.

They can have sex with them.

They can yell at them and they'll always show up and still put the widgets in the knickknack, whatever they need to do, and they're going to get rid of us.

So what they have to do is have regular people just saying, oh, my God, my life is so much easier now that I don't have to think.

And, you know, it all goes back to, you know, when they finally get rid of the civics class,

you know, that basically describe their rights as a citizen.

Right.

So nobody understands what their rights are.

And

do I have to, you know, give in to this search and whatever.

I feel like all of that stuff is,

there is a war out there for your brain.

Absolutely.

And they want your brain flatlined, not thinking.

So the day they need you to walk into whatever oven they just turned on, you're going to go, okay, you know.

And they want your comedy brain.

Yeah, for sure.

Well, I don't know what it is that they want, but like.

I just saw a thing the other day that said being on Instagram and watching these short-term videos.

I don't know if it's true.

I mean, it was just something that it was on Instagram, so that was weird.

But it said it was five times worse than drinking.

I don't know.

Is that true?

Another thing I don't understand about the internet is if we're all on the internet, can the rules of libel and slander, can those apply?

Yeah, no.

Is there a reason why you can just make up shit about people?

And it's the internet.

Yeah.

It doesn't matter, but if you say it on 60 minutes,

the orange guy gets $16 million.

But he can tweet whatever he wants

about anybody.

Yeah.

And I mean, when was the last time somebody sued somebody because of an Instagram reel?

Right?

Yeah, because it's never happened.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's weird.

So so this is a book, so this has to be real.

Or is this in the is this in the

audio is coming soon.

Audio.

Yeah.

But we, you know, we purposely made it short and sweet so people could pick it up and help with their speeches.

We even have, Bill, if you're really lazy and you don't

want to sit down to do it, we have little templates where fill in the blanks and you can get a speech just by filling in our blanks.

Do you realize the service that you're doing right now for everyone who has to sit there?

I had a friend of mine.

That means a lot.

No, I had a friend of mine

graduated from law school and the graduation

just went sailing by.

And it was really amazing.

And I was like, I was about ready to say,

this is the greatest graduation I've ever been to.

And then the dean of the school in the end

decided to do, I swear to God, it was like a 90-minute speech.

Dude, I remember at one point I looked over at my friend and he was like this.

He was like,

he was just sitting there.

You can't take it.

You can't take it.

And

talk about not reading the room.

Right.

People were shifting after 12 minutes, and this person did, maybe it wasn't 90, maybe it was an hour, it was over an hour.

Yeah, but 12 minutes in, they're just like

horrific.

And those robes they're sitting in are hot, and the caps are hot.

It's not thinking about other people when you do a bad speech or you go long like that.

It's horrible.

Have you ever been asked to do a college commencement speech?

Yes, I did.

Did you do it?

I did do it.

How much time did you do?

I think I did

12 minutes.

12 minutes because Bill, what have we been saying?

You can get a lot in a short amount of time.

And the last thing I want to do is

their reaction to it.

It was great.

It was.

Really great.

I mean, like, I got a letter after that was like, we hope the speaker next year, you set the bar so high.

So I was very happy.

Light, funny.

Quick little

with mix, mixture of, you want to give them something.

You know, they asked you to do a commencement speech, they're not asking you to do a set.

You want to share some wisdom, hopefully, that I've had after this many years of college, but also

you got to make it funny.

Right.

I mean, if you're a comedian, you're asked to do a commencement speech, any kind of speech, you have to be funny sometime, innit?

Do you know who spoke at my graduation?

Who?

Jerry Lewis.

Oh, my God!

That's crazy.

It was awesome.

I went to Emerson College.

Oh, shit.

So there was a parent-student breakfast.

And on the parent student breakfast, he was crazy Jerry.

And then he was crazy Jerry going into the actual ceremony.

I still remember

everyone was walking down.

You know, all the deans and all of these, the popes and whatever of the college had all their robes.

And so he came in, and he just had his hands on the shoulder in the front of him.

He just came.

He just going,

he did that thing with his crazy face.

And we were just dying laughing.

Oh my God.

And then when he went up to give his speech, he became telethon Jerry.

And he had the tuxedo and just the like, I mean, the slickest, shiniest black hair, everything but the cigarette going.

Asking for the timpani.

Yeah, yeah.

Right.

For how much, right?

How much did we raise?

It was like he murdered at the breakfast and then he murdered in a completely different way

at the commencement.

Yeah, it was like heartfelt and like,

you know, I mean, as far as a kid, you know, who had been doing stand-up, maybe done stand-up 10 times at that point.

But I mean, it was,

I do remember going like, wow,

like...

I saw like the entire gamut of what this guy can do, which is you want to be the broadest, craziest thing you've ever seen

to like, hey man, like I'm sitting down right now and I'm giving you the straight deal here.

It was really,

even just being, I was a kid, you know, I was 23, 24 when I saw it.

And it's just like, I knew it was like, this guy has a lot of like, like,

you know, clubs in the bag, as they say, or whatever.

Like, this guy can kind of do it.

Did you miss him being funny in the speech?

Because, yeah, I know you said the breakfast, he was killing it.

No, I do remember what I felt bad about was Marlee Mattlin.

Is that her name?

Yeah.

Yeah, the actress.

She also spoke.

And the only sign language they taught us was applause was this.

And I just thought it was, I just was sitting there going, she must be annoyed out of her fucking mind that every time she says something, we all go

like that.

She's really great.

No, she gave a great speech, but it's just kind of like...

You know, it would be like if you went to France and you just walked around going, bonjour, bonjour.

You have like one phrase that you kept saying.

It's like, it was so stupid because it's like we could have clapped.

She can see us clapping.

I just felt that it was,

I don't know, I'm superimposing how I would feel if I saw it and be like, oh, God, don't do that.

Yeah.

No, she could have said it at some point.

This, you could stop.

I get it.

Yeah.

Just, yeah.

Yeah.

I see you applauding.

I appreciate it.

You've acknowledged that I'm deaf, even though everybody knows that.

So

She was in my episode of Seinfeld, the lip reader.

Well, let's talk about your career for

the people.

So, was the comic strip the first place you started?

Comic strip was the first place I started.

And so, you were there like 77, 78?

77.

77.

It started in 76, maybe?

Yeah.

But, you know, I started as baby Carol Leafer.

You did?

That was your on-stage name?

No, that was a joke.

Oh.

Oh.

no, because I know, I know, I can't say the name of the name.

Well, some of the names.

Baby?

Some of the names that I know that people went up.

Oh.

When you first, like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, so I didn't know if that was like.

No, I was like, because there's a lot of comics I know that every once in a while, you'll go on the road and you'll see one of their old headshots.

Right.

And there's like their name and then their nickname in parentheses

or like, you know, so-and-so, blah, blah, or the, or the something of comedy, Like, whatever the hell it was, like, whatever they thought their hook was going to be six months into their career, you know, their stupid first headshot.

Yeah.

Like, I know, I know somebody, their first headshot, for whatever reason, they were holding a cat.

Oh, my God.

Like, shirtless with a cat.

Oh, no.

I don't know what it was.

Did they incorporate the cat into their name?

That would be.

No, it just, it ended up looking like a bad soul album.

It was a black dude.

So it looked like, you know, remember how weird the back covers could be of an album back in the day?

Yeah.

Where the front cover really was the message of what the music was.

And then I always felt like the artist had more say on the back.

And it was, it always got a little like, huh.

Don't know how that correlates to what I'm listening to.

That's what his headshot looked like.

Oh, oh, God.

Yes.

And he had his girlfriend take it too.

Oh.

In like his apartment.

It was with like a bed sheet behind him.

It was.

Yeah.

No, you got to arrange it.

It was arguably the worst headshot I'd ever seen.

No, get a pro.

Get a pro for a hundred

to take your picture.

Come on.

Yeah, no, my audition night at the comic strip, Jerry Seinfeld was the MC,

and it was me, Paul Reiser, and Rich Hall.

And he put us all through.

So

I literally go back to like Jerry.

Jerry passed you, or was it Lucian?

Jerry did.

Wow.

I know later on, Lucian used to.

Oh, my God.

Lucian had the little, not even walk-in closet.

He had a broom closet, and you would go in there,

and he would just be like, you're not funny.

I don't know why you would ever think.

He would just go in there and crush your dream.

That never happened to me.

Fortunately, what happened to me was I went down to the club and I met him.

And I said, hey, Lucian, I'm a comedian.

I just moved.

He was like, I already have enough white guys.

I don't have any.

Your dream is over.

Go fuck yourself.

He did the usual thing that he said.

He didn't say that exactly.

Pass.

But he didn't even fucking want to hear from me.

But I knew what he was saying.

Yeah.

Because there was a lot of other white comics being like, that's like racist.

But it's like, dude, you know what he's saying?

There's 800 white guys wearing fucking sweaters in this thing.

I don't need another guy going up there going, what's the deal with fucking putting Mickey Mano baseball cards, you know, whatever the fuck or whatever.

But where's the first time you went up?

Because I'm always intrigued by the first time people had the balls to go up anywhere.

Oh, where's the first first place I did stand-up?

Yeah, I it was a comedy competition.

Nick's comedy stop in Boston.

Okay.

Had a competition, Find Boston's Funniest College Student.

It was a marketing ploy.

Oh, wow.

To get the, you know, get it filled with a bunch of college kids drinking beers

on a Monday night.

Did you do it while you were at Emerson?

I was still at Emerson, yeah.

So I had made a New Year's resolution.

This is how walled off I was.

It was 1992.

I made a New Year's resolution that at some point in 1992, I was going to do stand-up.

I didn't know when, so I set it.

You just set that easily.

I set that, and literally, like in January, a couple, two, three weeks later, in the Emersonian, I saw it

and

I was like, oh my God, there's the opportunity.

And I felt like I was going to chicken out.

So I was a commuter, you know, paid my way through college, working and everything, you know.

Bruce Springsteen's song on its way.

So I took the train home and I went home and set my book book bag down.

It went right over to the phone and immediately called before I chickened out.

Wow.

And then I remember they were like, like, what it was, like the last Monday in February of that year was the Emerson night.

And so many people signed up that they had to have a second week.

So they said, is there any way you can go on the week after?

Yeah.

And I said, yeah, sure.

Yeah, like you're going to go, no, I'm busy.

Yeah, no, I'll delay it a week.

And then I kind of felt a little, I beat myself up a little bit like I should have said, no, I need to go on.

And then,

yeah, and then the night came or whatever, you know, I forgot everything I was going to say.

I was supposed to do five minutes.

I could only remember three and a half minutes of it or whatever.

But I've always told,

you know, people who are doing stand-up, I go, like the first 10, 15 times you do it, it's not about how you did.

It's just about having the balls to go up there when they, you know, please welcome Carol Leafer.

Yes.

And you being like, I am Carol Leafer and I am, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing yeah and you just go up there and just start talking and it's

it really is one of the most amazing things where it's the only thing where you know you can practice all you want at home but you can't exactly it's like can you imagine learning how to play guitar in front of a crowd

twinkle twinkle the thing i like and god bless the people that go to open bikes and have to sit through that shit oh oh god oh my god yeah but um that's the thing that I don't know if you get this question as a stand-up.

It always cracks me when people say, do you practice in front of a mirror?

Yeah.

Oh, I've tried it.

It doesn't work.

Right.

No, you need people

and the scary part of going up in front of drunk strangers and trying to make them laugh.

I mean, I remember at the beginning of my career, I really,

and I'm sure every stand-up has a story, a real streak of a lot of not doing well.

Yeah, what's that like?

Yeah, that never happened to me.

But a big streak, Bill.

And I remember I was at the bar at the improv, and Stephen Wright, who of course you know, came over to me and he said, you got to do stand-up every night for three years and not judge yourself to become a really good stand-up.

You have to just go on and go on and fall on your face and bomb.

And that's what it takes to get good.

Yeah, and there's nothing too, don't listen to anybody that tells you that you shouldn't do that.

Yeah.

Because if, if, especially when you're a young comic, if you're feeling doubts,

don't listen to anybody unless they tell you to keep going.

Yes.

You know what I mean?

If you really want it, that's what you have to do.

But if you're looking for a way out, there'll be plenty of people to be like, yeah, man, I don't like, you know, God bless Lucian, but like the amount of fucking people that he, that like that early on

to say that stuff, I never understood it.

He got wrapped up in the power of it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, at least when I started, comedians were telling you whether you would pass the audition or not.

When I went on a Catch Rising Space Center, I missed that.

So Jerry was the one that passed you.

Yeah.

He was...

He was kind of already, he'd only been doing it a year, but he was kind of the king of the comic strip.

Right.

And I remember seeing people's first sets.

It was great.

The comics would go in and watch.

So, you know, comedians, we have a different take, a different eye than someone in management about who's good or not.

And what I liked about

when I started, too, people are always like, oh, as a woman, you must have really had it tough.

I really found it was a big advantage.

And that also the guy comics were so supportive of me and so treated me like...

like a sister, you know, and things I learned from guys, you know, because I used to find when I started, if I saw saw a group of guys walk in, three or four or more guys walk in and sit at a table, I'd be like, they're the group.

They're going to give me a problem.

I know it's going to be a problem.

And I could never get over with them.

And one night, a male comment came over to me and said, I see you're having trouble with groups of guys.

I was like, yes, yes.

He was like, I think I can help you.

I was like, great.

And he said, when they start to heckle you, all you have to say is, so, guys, where are the dates tonight?

Where are the girls?

beautiful they park in the car where are they and then immediately

the shut up

and I wouldn't know that unless a guy kind of helped me to that that's how you do all that I mean guys it's all right if you're gay you know you can just say that I'm pretty like that will shut any straight guy right back then yes Before straight guys started painting their toenails or whatever's happening now,

that would have totally shut them down.

Yeah, absolutely would have.

You know, I found that when

I did, they used to call them the uptown rooms or the urban rooms, like the all-black shows.

So all that really was as a white comic was your ideas in your head of what it was going to be.

So, and it was the crowd's idea.

So, you would go on stage and you could feel the crowd being like, oh, God, corny white guy, what the fuck is he doing down here?

And all you had to do was get your first laugh.

Right.

And once you got your first laugh, it was like easy.

Because you were like the mascot like, oh my God, isn't this amazing?

This white guy is making us laugh.

And then, like, after you did those shows a couple of times and you got comfortable, I would watch it and I would be watching the black comics.

And there would be guys, I'm sitting there going, like, this guy's funnier than this guy's got better material than me, but he has to work 10 times harder.

Cause I don't know, they're just taking him for granted.

Yeah, you're me or whatever, but there wasn't like, and then I would go over to the seller and then I would see the opposite.

Like, if you were a white comic in front of a predominantly white crowd,

they didn't want to, like, it wasn't interesting after you'd seen three white comics.

And then if a black comic went up and like started beatboxing or something, forget it.

They were like, oh my God, that is amazing.

And then you would go up there and you'd feel your own people hating you.

Right.

And it's just like,

like, all right.

But you got to set yourself apart, however that is, whenever you go up.

Well, that's, I mean, you know, I don't think I've ever heard anybody for your generation say that as a female comic, you had a supportive thing.

That's a really good thing to hear.

Yeah, yeah, totally.

And I got on more because I was a woman comic.

I mean, they wouldn't put two women on in a row.

I remember that.

That was a rule that lasted, I feel like, until about 10 years ago.

Right?

A long time.

Forget about it in a row.

They wouldn't have two women on a show

on a weekend.

Right.

And then they wouldn't have...

two women within the same hour and 10 minutes on like a Tuesday.

Yeah, like it was going to, you know, put an odor, stink up the room somehow.

But I mean, it would literally be like, we're going to have a singer, a magician, then we'll do the woman, then we'll have a, you know, ventriloquist, then maybe, you know, not Carol.

We're going to have the woman.

Yeah, I mean, it, it, yeah, it was a,

it was just, it was that time.

There was a whole, there was a whole bunch.

I remember, forget about, there were so many rules.

I remember when I started,

people were like, you can't have facial hair.

People, they have to see your face.

If they can't see your face, they're not going to laugh.

You can't do an AIDS joke.

You can't be too good looking.

You can't be too in shape.

Comedy, people, they don't want to see a cool guy up there.

They want to see like the underdog and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And it was just like,

it was almost like they were saying there's only one kind of music.

Right.

You know what I mean?

There's rock music and all these other genres.

And it goes back to what you were saying.

Don't listen to other people.

Just do your own thing.

Do you know what drives me nuts as a parent?

It's because I started late, so all my...

I did too.

Yeah, okay.

That's good advice.

How many fucking times do you have to hear it goes by quick?

It's like, listen, just because my kids are young doesn't mean I have to listen to your regrets.

I get it.

Instead of helping them learn how to ride a bicycle, you weren't there.

Guess what?

I was there.

I swim with them every fucking day.

I am involved.

I spend more time in the summer with my kids than any kid from my generation, our entire.

We were all latchkey kids growing up.

Absolutely.

Okay, so, and now.

You got to do that in your act.

Well, there's a huge pushback now where the abused generation that raised the coddled generation are now blaming the coddled generation.

And there's this going back to,

you know,

like you're a good parent if your kid has a broken arm.

Like, remember, you used to see kids in casts?

You know, there's another one that I love?

Yeah.

Is when they'll show something from a movie from back in the day that was overtly racist, and then like moron Caucasians will write, you're back when you could do this and nobody was sensitive about it.

It's like, no, this is back when those people, there was no way for you to hear their opinion.

Right.

All they could do is they could call the network or they could make some signs and stand out in front of like Paramount.

And that was it.

That was it.

And what I love too is like all of these like hardcore racists are always calling everybody snowflakes when they're the biggest sense.

Like literally a black person couldn't kiss another black person without white people freaking out.

Yes.

With like the first 25 years of TV.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

Black Lives Matter.

All lives matter.

And then it's like, can somebody have the mic for a second

without you wetting your pants?

They don't realize.

No, it's well that people like that, and everybody's been guilty of this, is it's basically, you know where the universe is?

Between my ears.

That's where everything exists.

So the world is easy.

Yeah.

Dude, this is everything fucking,

it all makes sense.

So, um, but people don't realize.

Like,

I try to tell people, when Sinead O'Connor had a bald head,

that was like, holy crap.

Like, are you kidding me?

You know, now it's like fashionable.

Like, I try to explain to people.

That was a big, bold statement back then.

Yeah.

There's a lot of stuff now.

Well, I think that, like, you have to keep pushing

to like shock people.

I feel like the shocking stuff that younger people are doing now, it's quieter.

Like, because people like, they got tattoos on their face now.

Tattoos is not.

No, the job killer.

It used to be.

I think now you could actually have a tattoo on your face and.

really

maybe at a tattoo parlor.

Okay, well, you can basically, you can have sleeves.

Sleeves.

Yes, I've seen the sleeves.

All the way up to your neck.

And as long as you kind of, you know, you put a tie on,

you can cover that spider on your neck.

Yeah, like back in the day, it was like

if you got like tattoos that were going to be visible, like

the statement of that.

It was like cell block B.

Well, no, yeah, you were a badass.

You had left left the

mainstream, right?

So it was really cool.

Yeah.

And if you saw, if somebody had like a sleeve tattoo, if somebody had a teardrop, they killed somebody.

They fucking killed somebody.

But I feel like...

Yeah, now it's just, I'm sad.

But no, but you know what I feel like now, though, is

like there is a hopelessness out there.

Like we were just steering towards this disaster.

Like all of and I think all of the music in the last like 25 years, like all of that, like that stuff stuff that I wasn't even aware of, that I started because, you know, writing and directing a few things and I needed music for scenes, I discovered stuff like lo-fi, shoegaze, and it's all really sort of like this atmospheric detachment.

Yeah, I don't even know what that is.

Well, if I was a young person now,

it's like you're dealing with the hopelessness of the situation that the older generations like us have created Not us specifically, but just the direction that it's gone in while getting

create global warming.

Yeah.

I'm sorry about that.

While getting yelled at by older people that you're soft.

Yeah.

And

like, I don't know.

And I feel like the hardest emotion is empathy.

And so I try, like, I don't want to.

Especially for comedians.

Yeah.

Well, I don't want to be like, that's why, like, you know, I have my comics will write in and be like, hey, you know,

do you...

Do you still believe in the old school?

Somebody wrote me that this week.

Do you still believe in the old school way of doing stand-up?

And I go, it's like, I don't own stand-up.

Exactly.

I don't know.

I don't know.

But I just think today, like, as opposed to using social media, whatever.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's just like,

it's not mine.

It's an art form.

It's like literally the greatest thing about it.

Like, you can go out and do it however you want to do it.

But, like,

you know, I'm not going to get into specifics, but there's definitely been in the last 10 years like this pendulum of

groups of people, including comedians, trying to tell people what you should and shouldn't be able to say and jokes what you should do.

Like, comedians doing this.

It's a really

slippery slope.

Yeah, and all of these, there's everybody's always like, yeah, these are weird times.

This is kind of crazy.

It's just like, I think you might be part of the crazy time.

Yeah, yeah.

And they are jokes.

Yeah, it's weird.

Tell people they are jokes.

You know what I noticed about your stand-up?

I wanted to ask you about you.

That goes on too long, and I need to read this book.

How to write a funny hour.

No, for yeah, special an hour is good.

Yes.

You

use a mic with a cord, which I also prefer.

Yes.

I don't trust the wireless.

Right, yes.

And not only that, don't you?

I'm so used to holding the cord.

It's a little bit like a whip sometimes, you know?

It's also my nod to like,

like back in the day when I saw a guitar player, you plugged into the amp.

You know what I mean?

Yes.

The bass player plugged in.

You plugged in.

The phone was on the wall.

Like, I just think it's like,

I'm holding on to the past.

And, like, whenever I have this wireless microphone, I feel like I'm holding like this lightsaber.

Yeah, like a toy, like a Hasbro.

Hey, I've got a microphone.

You know what?

One time I had to do one of those prom shows.

Did those exist when you were coming to office?

Okay.

So I, oh my God, who the fuck was booking these?

I think it was Stand-Up New York.

At Dangerfields, they had a lot of.

Oh, those are prom shows.

Dangerfields was brutal on a regular night.

Forget about when you have a bunch of young kids trying to get laid, and instead they have to listen to a 35-year-old talk about his divorce.

So there was a prom, these prom gigs, and they were on these cruises that went around the

island of Manhattan, right?

Yeah.

Which is kind of the perfect thing for the kids, you know, to get in a romantic mood so you can have a good night.

And then all of a sudden this stupid comedian comes out.

So the DJ brought me up, gave me a cordless mic, and it just cut the music.

All these kids were having a great time.

They did not need me.

And they would just like,

I still remember the intro.

I was told this joke a million times in my podcast, but the intro was, yo, we got a comedy shop coming up.

Give it up for your comedian Billy Bucks.

That's crazy.

Billy Bucks.

Billy Bucks.

Oh, my God.

And I went out with a cordless microphone and it cut in and out because we were on the boat.

I don't know where the fucking satellite thing.

And

all I remember was this one kid that was just like, you know, that

kid who looks like he's 25, but he's still in high school.

He had like his first mustache, he was like leaning against like whatever the railing on the side of the boat.

He had his arm around his girlfriend.

All I remember is his face going, I remember he's just saying,

Shut the fuck up,

get off the stage.

So I went down after my

set.

Yeah.

I went down to like the engine room area where all the kids.

You got to kill yourself.

No, and then as the boat was docking,

I had to make the decision.

Am I gonna stay here like a stowaway and let them all leave and then walk?

Or am I just gonna rip the band-aid off and walk out with them?

And I just said, I'm gonna rip it off.

You did.

I stood there.

Oh, I still remember.

I still remember this kid just like I made eye contact with this kid.

Yeah.

He just looked at me, just went, oh.

Just shook his head.

He was looking at me like,

man, like, why did you even think?

Why did you ever even think?

And then I walked off with them, and then I like broke away from the pack.

Yeah.

And then I just immediately started fucking laughing.

And I can't remember if cell phones were.

I don't even think they were around at that point.

So I probably immediately went to a comedy club.

Yeah.

Get the stink off.

No, no, I went and I just sat down and I told another comedian the story.

And then we just were dying laughing.

Right.

And then commiserating, he said, oh my God, he goes, I have to do one Friday night.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then I listened to his story or whatever.

Yeah, proms were the worst.

The worst thing is when you have a bad set, like I did a corporate where I just bombed.

It was bad from start to finish.

And then I went to the ladies' room and I was in the stall and I hear two women talking by the sink and going like, and somebody good they can't afford.

You know, and then

it's the same thing.

Do I stay in the stall?

Do I hide in the stall?

Or do I come out and like, hello, ladies?

Yeah, you're talking about me.

Nice to see you.

Yeah.

You know what's funny is those comments, those comments,

a lot of things have left my head, but those comments never have.

Right.

I still remember one hearing like this woman going like to her boyfriend, like, is it usually like that?

And he's going, no, the show's usually funny.

That red-headed kid sucked.

Oh, it's just amazing.

Yeah.

That happened to me over 30 years ago at the comedy connection in Providence, Rhode Island.

I still remember what they looked like.

They're still there.

What they looked like.

And I still, and I went to my day job because back then there was like a week between spots.

Yeah.

So for six days at my job,

that is playing on a loop.

Right.

Super loud the first day, a little quieter, a little quieter.

And then it was all about what you needed to do was have a good set, as you say, to get like that stink off of you.

Yeah.

Well, I think it's amazing that, you know, getting back to this before we go down the whole memory lane here about comedy, it's just that like what we're talking about, this book is going to help you avoid at your daughter or son's wedding.

Anywhere.

And you know what was great is it sold out in June, which was fantastic.

Yeah, because people were grabbing it for their weddings and stuff, but it's back in stock.

So I'm very happy about that.

Well, that's fantastic.

Well, okay.

Well, so you're doing this.

Do you have any gigs or anything coming up that I can promote?

By the way, I also want to thank you when you came out, you and Sandra Bernhardt came out

to Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross.

Yeah.

Was one of my favorite nights to have two legendary comedians.

You guys don't understand, you know, to come out and have you guys say that I did a good job.

Oh, my God.

You were amazing, Bill.

I can't believe.

I mean, movies is one thing, but for a comedian like you to do.

They should have more comedians.

It's too broad because it's right in our wheelhouse.

The only thing that was different.

Well, because you're used to like, you know, whenever you do stand-up, they say, oh, it's you up there all by yourself.

It's like, no, it isn't.

It's me and the crowd.

And the crowd.

Yeah, but you're with other actors.

That's the addition.

That's the addition.

That would freak me out.

It's still, no,

you'd figure it out quick.

You would figure it out quick.

Wow.

So what it is, is they,

the crowd tells you to speed up or slow down or if you've gone too far.

Really?

They're telling you that.

Wow.

Yeah, there's all kinds of information.

It's like

some of the overseas gigs that I've done.

I learn, I could be in that fucking city for a week talking to locals and stuff, and I'll learn a few things.

But when I go on stage for an hour, what they laugh at, how they laugh at it, I learn more in that hour than I would having a cup of coffee with their fucking prime minister because you get a general consensus.

Yes.

Because that's the people.

Right.

I didn't know you could feel that, though, on Broadway doing, you know, a scripted whole hour and a half.

Well, we did like 128 shows.

So I started to know when, like, oh, there's a lot of foreigners in this.

This feels like a foreigner crowd.

Oh, wow.

And that would get out there and there would be people like, you know, we came in from Australia.

Oh, we're here from Korea.

You know, we just came in from Hong Kong.

Like, there was people coming in.

Yeah.

Like, that, that, you know, Glenn Garry is, you know, is a huge movie that obviously, I guess, went international.

So we would have,

and what I learned on those nights, because the first few nights when there was a lot of

foreigners in the crowd,

I would get in my head and think like, oh, I suck tonight.

I suck tonight.

But then when we would go out to sign the

playbills,

finally got that right.

I used to call them the pamphlets.

The playbills.

Yeah.

They would be out there like, oh my,

we, you know, we love this show.

Oh my God.

And I was just like, oh, they're, they're, you know, not Australia, but like, if someone's coming from a country in Asia, this is a second language.

Right.

So they're like, is is they're not laughing because they don't want to miss something that they're they're depending on how good their English is.

So, um, they're that much more appreciative.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I also got to do the scene with uh Michael McKeon.

Yeah.

He's one of the most generous actors and the greatest listener I think I ever

been with and doing a scene with.

And what I loved about him, it was

he'd just been doing it so long that it was just, it's a part of his being.

Like the last night we were there,

he played guitar and sang a few songs for us.

Oh, wow.

And oh yeah,

the cast was awesome.

Like we all, we all

bonded and hung out.

I think it was him saying goodbye because he wasn't going to the after party.

You know, he was just like, I'm not going to that crap.

You know, uh it was kind of his saying goodbye to everybody and like just watching the way that he played and how the guitar seemed like a part of him and it was like effortless like he truly is like an artist was was

was my one of my favorite other than getting to know with know him and work with him one of my favorite things about um

doing that play with him was kind of getting to know the artist in him and and seeing uh how much passion he had he still has for it.

Like, we used to ride down in the elevator every night and the whole cast elevator, we'd be riding down.

Yeah.

And, you know, you'd go in and out of the office and it was always like, dude, you got a new laugh on something.

Like, what were you doing out there?

Really?

Yeah.

You're that attuned to hear that.

Yeah, or somebody like blows a line.

Uh-huh.

And

did you ever blow a line?

Oh, my God, yes.

Oh, yeah.

I went, they call it the White Room.

You can't remember your lines.

Yeah, Michael always saved me.

And I remember one, there was a line that Karen had

where,

oh, he goes,

yeah, you know, your pal closes a deal and you, you know, you're X, Y, and Z.

And then I'm coming across and my line was like, who's my pal?

And what are you, Ricky?

You know, like that shit.

So one night he says, your buddy closes a deal and you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So then I looked at him, I go, who's my buddy?

Yeah?

And what are you, Ricky?

Right?

So the stage manager goes, that was fucking awesome that you caught that he said buddy and you weren't in like robot mode because that meant you're actually listening yeah.

So we had this running joke, you know, after that.

Well, because you go nuts.

So I'm like, Kieran, one night you have to say,

your buddy old pal closes a deal and you X, Y, and Z.

And then I got to be like totally Dave Moss all hardcore.

Like, who's my buddy old pal?

So we would do,

like, to keep it

fresh or

I swear to God, like, if you saw that play

in June,

the shit that Bob Odenkirk and Kieran were doing.

Really?

And John Piricello, like,

it was like the Marx brothers, like what they, where they took that play.

Yeah, yeah.

And you couldn't break up.

That was.

Or did you?

They weren't, oh, no, they used to try to make each other laugh.

Uh-huh.

And

Kieran was the hardest to make laugh.

Because Kieran wouldn't laugh

unless, if you tried to make him laugh, you couldn't make him laugh.

But if you did some new choice that he liked, he would laugh.

But you almost couldn't tell he was laughing.

He'd have a smile, but he knew how to keep it down

here.

Because he told me one night, he goes, You don't know.

I goes, I've been laughing at that for three fucking nights.

And I was like, Oh, no, no, I didn't know that was making you laugh.

But anyway, this isn't, this isn't about.

But I want to ask because I've always wondered when you're on stage, do you hear people, usually old ladies, unwrapping their little sucking candy?

No, you know,

I heard some cell phones.

I I did hear some talking.

I've heard people shushing people.

But,

I mean, it's like after you've done a prom show.

Yeah, that's true.

Like

on the Richter scale of

disrupting.

I think maybe that stuff early on in the run,

it didn't take much to throw me off.

But once you get used to it, I did a stand-up set recently

at the great theater, The Barns of Wolf Trap.

I don't know if you ever played it.

No.

It's very good.

The Barns of Wolf Trap.

Yes, yes.

You think it's going to be...

It sounds like the crowd would all dress up as

farmers, bales of hay.

Right.

No, it's a beautiful venue.

And

the promoter's wife, you know, I also feel like backstage,

it's just the comics.

Let's have the comics, not your family and your friends.

Right?

Yes.

And the promoter's wife was eating from a bag of pirates' booty

and the crinkling was throwing me off so badly that I literally was like, hey, excuse me one second, guys.

And I go off stage and I go, will you stop eating the pirate's booty?

It's throwing me off so bad.

And then I came back because the crinkling.

was just did she laugh

she was a little stunned because i think i i you know came back

yeah, you know, but they're sitting there with the chewing and the thing.

Completely.

I couldn't tune it out.

I get you.

No, because that

feeds into this.

How many more events am I going to go to

and sit there and have to do?

And rather than just sit around and bitch about it, you've actually done something about the problem.

Thank you.

Yes.

That you brought it back around to my book and your enjoyment of it means the world to me.

No, 100%.

No, I am.

You have no idea what you and your whole generation, you guys, the reason why there was New York comedy clubs for me to go down to to have some guy be like, I got enough work, guys, was because of what you guys did.

Like, you built all, like, I always give it up to Jay Leno.

Like, they always talk about the ding-ho, but Jay Leno was doing stand-up

in the combat zone in between strippers.

Yeah.

So he did the reconnaissance that, like, that this could, like, I talked to him.

He used, there was, there was this jazz bar up in Peabody, Massachusetts, that every once in a while it comes around that, like, guys like Miles Davis would perform at, and like a young Jay Leno

would go on

in front of Miles Davis, like right around when he was doing around the On the Corner album.

Like, probably had Al Foster in his band playing drums or whatever.

But like, Jay would go on.

And I just love that whole idea that there was was like

where

people went out to see a show.

Yeah.

So it was just like, I'll see a comedian.

I'll see, you know, somebody spinning plates.

Right.

And then I'll go see one of the greatest jazz trumpet players ever.

And that's an evening in Peabody, Massachusetts on Route 1.

To me, it's amazing.

And he did the Playboy Club.

I mean, yeah, it's really going way back.

I did.

I think Jim Carrey told me a story of doing a Playboy Club, too.

Really?

Yeah, because I found a picture, the one in Chicago, because he started like, I think that thing died out right around the early 80s.

And I think he was one of the,

I saw his name and I sent it to him on the marquee thinking it was a joke.

He was like, no, that was actually me.

I did that.

You did that guy.

Well, he was doing impressions in the beginning.

Right.

So you know that.

So he, and he was on his way to being like the next rich little.

And then one, that's my favorite story ever.

He just like snapped on one stage, one night on stage.

Like, I can't do that.

I gotta, I gotta, like, you know, talk out of my ass or whatever the hell he wanted to do.

And I just love that Rodney let him do it.

Yeah.

And there's that great story of like Rodney watched him going from getting standing ovations opening from him to like them just staring.

He got off stage.

And Rodney said to him, He goes, He goes, Kid, they're staring at you like you're from Mars.

But he didn't fire him and he let him like work it out.

Hey, work it out, right?

That's what he said, right?

And I always thought that that was

amazing.

But anyway, I always go off on on like tangents.

I had the nice button for the end of this.

So how to write a funny speech for a wedding bar mitzvah, graduation, every other event you didn't want to go to in the first place.

If you want to have a good set

and not torture people that you love or whatever, you want to hook up after.

Maybe you're single and you want to see like the life of the party.

It's all purpose.

This is anything.

Wait a minute.

Forward by Carol Burnett?

Yes.

Another Emersoni.

Can I tell you one of my favorite stories about her?

Wait a second.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so

she was working as an usher.

There's this movie theater right near the Pantages that closed.

It's still on Hollywood Boulevard.

I looked it up one day to be like, what is that?

That looks like an old movie theater.

So I looked it up, and then the story was one of the things you clicked on.

So she was an usher,

and a couple came in late.

for a movie and they had paid full price for a ticket.

And Carol, being cool, was just like, ah, it's cool.

Just stay here.

And, you know, you can watch it.

You know, you just watch the next showing.

It's no big deal.

Well, the tight-ass tight-ass manager heard that, fired her, and made her turn in her uniform.

Oh, wow.

So years later, she's a legend, and she's getting her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

They go, Where do you want it?

She goes, I know exactly where I want it.

So if you go out in front of that theater, right in front of that theater, Carol Burnett's star is there.

Oh, my God, that's perfect.

Yeah, it is perfect.

Yeah.

It is perfect.

She's amazing.

I asked her on a Friday of a holiday weekend if she would do the forward.

She literally said, Send it.

She read it over the weekend.

She said, I love it.

And on Monday, she sent the forward.

I mean, who does that?

Gee, why does she have like a six, seven decade career?

I mean, that's it, right there.

Yeah, yeah.

She says she's going to do something, and she does it, and she crushes it.

Generous.

That's awesome.

Well,

I'm sure you crushed this book.

I'm going to read it.

And I can think of a few people I can send a cookie to.

Hey, I'll send you a bunch.

All right.

Well, it's been an absolute thrill to have you on the podcast.

I'm such a huge fan.

We'll write back at you.

And thank you for all your hard work as a comedian because there was a great New York City comedy scene for me to come to because of people like you.

All right.

So there you go.

Carol Leifer, how to write a funny speech for a wedding or any event that you could ever possibly need to go to.

Get it now.

Where can they get this?

Anywhere.

Amazon, the thing.

The thing, the other.

Sell it out of my house.

Sell it out of your house.

All places.

Barnes and nobles.

If you actually want to.

Sell it and nobles.

Talk to a human being.

Yeah.

All right.

That's it.

Thank you so much for watching.

Have a great weekend, and I'll see you on Monday.

What's going on?

It's Bill.

Oh, that's really loud.

Hey, that's really fucking loud there.

What's going on?

It's Bill Burr.

And it's time for the Monday morning podcast.

For Monday, Monday, Monday,

August 21st.

Tooth.

Oh, Jesus.

I got a cough drop in my mouth.

I got a Hall's mental liptis.

You're not going to want to listen to this, are you?

You know what?

I don't have time to start it over again.

I just don't, you know?

One of the weirdest things ever is when you have to go on a microphone and you got a fucking halls in your goddamn mouth.

And what, like, how do you make it go by faster?

Am I supposed to just spit it out?

Is that what you want from me?

All right, I will.

I don't know where to go here.

You're just going to have to hang on a second.

Just hang on, hang on, hang the fuck on, and spit this fucking thing out.

As long as I make noise, it's still a podcast.

It's still a podcast as long as I make noise.

All right, I'm back.

I'm back, and I got the energy.

All right, this is the Monday morning podcast.

Fur.

It's for fucking August 21st,

2017.

You know, they ain't got no August over there in the Middle East.

You know why they don't believe in Christ?

If you don't believe in Christ, God's like, well, you know what?

Then guess what?

You ain't got no more August, right?

that's why they're so mad all the time the summers goes by so fucking fast that's true man you can look it up

go look it up on the pooder over there shit um

i'm in a great fucking mood

i got a bunch of shit to do as always as always i'm recording this quarter at five

california time

um on sunday you know and i put all this money down on the red socks right

you know i've been betting the red socks gambling, okay?

I'm betting on the Red Sox.

Two of my friends are Yankee fans, right?

It's all there, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

All this fucking shit.

All rise, courts in session.

Can we hear from the bailiff?

We get it.

His last name is judge.

Jesus fucking Christ.

How do people in sports get away with the fucking puns?

Or just basically the newspaper industry in general?

My God.

Have you reached a verdict?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.

That was a home run.

You get it?

They're so bad.

They're so fun.

I just wish Sweet Caroline was as funny bad as all those Aaron Judge punts.

If they could just make it that funny, as opposed to just watching.

A bunch of people who you know on fucking Black Friday have their face pressed up against a Walmart window going, duh, duh, duh, right?

How that song

became part of the tradition.

When the fuck did that happen?

When did it happen?

When will it go away?

You know?

It's bad enough they sing, take me out to the ballgame.

They never used to do that in the seventh thing.

He just stood up and stretched.

And then Harry Carey did it.

And it was great.

You know why?

Because he believed it and he was shit-faced.

and he was hanging out the fucking window and you're like, is that guy going to fall?

You know, you know, those guys who taboo their whole life, they get this big round belly and then they got those little pretzel rod sticks.

So when he started getting a lot of that fucking keg out the window,

you know, that's why they have that net above home plate, you know what I mean, over the fans.

It's, you know, that goes back to, it has nothing to do with foul balls.

It has to go to back in the day, there were so many fat alcoholics sticking their head out, you know,

doing God knows what back then.

You know, I imagine initially they were just amazed that they weren't on the second floor of a structure, sticking their head out like, you know, gee Willikers, how the hell does this thing stand up?

There's people underneath me that I can't see, right?

Then that gradually morphed into, holy shit, look how far, you know, oh, ladies and gentlemen, ah, Babe Ruth hit really far, right fucking far.

That morphed into that.

And then somewhere in there, it was like, oh my God, is that a black guy on the field?

You know, they've always been hanging out the window for years and years and years.

And that's why that net was there.

Everybody thinks it's to protect the fans.

It's not to protect the fans.

Back in the day, everybody wore a hat.

They were fine.

Okay?

The ball wasn't juiced up.

It was the dead ball era.

It'd go up in the air.

You know, those people were tough back then.

They built railroads with their fucking hands, you know?

And that's just the Chinese, okay?

Forget about the people that fucking built the, I don't know what,

the cotton gin.

All right, I'm off the fucking rails here.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

All I know is I'm like, all right, I got to get back into baseball.

You know what I mean?

I'm an old man.

It's a slow game, and then all of a sudden it gets exciting, and then it slows down again, right?

Just like that thing as you get older, every once in a while, your heart does something.

You're like, am I going to fucking die here?

Okay, no, I'm good.

All right?

That's what baseball is.

And the rest of the time, it's just fucking sitting there you know like waiting for a cough drop to dissolve so you can start your fucking podcast that's type of shit so anyways um i decided out of the fucking blue

to um

to bet with two of my friends both yankee fans right one's a yankee and giant fan the other a yankee and a patriot fan figure that one up It's one of those Connecticut stories.

Right?

You heard of a Bronx Tale?

This is the sequel called Connecticut Story.

And this guy's a Yankee and a Patriots fan.

The most bizarre, one of the more bizarre combinations of fans

I've ever seen.

So I bet them both, you know, 50 bucks each a game.

So they stand to lose 50 or gain 50.

I'm dropping a C note or picking it up on the last two series.

We've won two out of three on both of them.

So old Freckles here is up $100, right?

Is that right?

Let's see.

I was down 100, then I was even, then I was up 100.

Then I was up 200, then I was up 100.

Now I'm up 200 bucks.

200 balloons.

Right?

I loved it.

I almost made an extra 50 because the guy's going, dude, I'm telling you right now, the fucking Aaron judge.

You know, everybody's going to rise and court's going to be in session and they're going to reach a verdict.

And then he's going to hit a, I get it, I get it.

He's going to hit a home run.

And I was like, you fucking cocksucker.

That guy's like, oh, for 50 with guys on base against the Red Sox the last couple of weekends.

Of course, the guys do.

It's goddamn Paul Bunyan going up there swinging the bat.

And then I thought about it.

I was like, all right, fuck it.

I'll bet you.

But I was voice texting and I said, I'll bet you 50 bucks he doesn't.

But it wrote, I bet you fixed 50 bucks he does it.

And then I didn't hear back from him.

And I was like, all right, you got until, you know, midnight tonight to get your bedding or the offers off the table.

And he said he fell asleep, but he was probably sitting going like, well, dude, I said he was going to do it.

Why would you, I said he'd do it for 20 bucks.

Then you said,

you also think he's going to do it for 50?

I think I weirded him out.

He hasn't called me all day, so that might be the end of that friendship.

It's funny how that happens, right?

15-year friendship can end on a voice text that somebody doesn't understand.

So, anyways, the Red Sox took the fucking series.

And you know why they took this series?

Because we spent 200 million fucking dollars.

And god damn it, it, you know, we better beat the fucking Yankees if we're going to spend that kind of money.

I didn't know what the Yankees spent this year.

I just know they have most of their own draft picks, so it really doesn't matter, right?

Or does it?

I have no idea.

Did you guys see in Spain they set up 800 checkpoints to catch that fucking cunt?

Did they catch the guy?

I don't know.

Desperate to ease public fears and neutralize a terrorist cell responsible for the deadliest attack in Spain.

Are they going to neutralize

the terrorist cell.

It was actually going to, I guess, gonna be way more deadly, but the fucking dopes accidentally blew themselves up

trying to make a bomb.

That's the greatest thing that can happen.

That's my favorite terrorist story when they were building it and then it fucking blows up.

It's such a fucked up world, man.

There's just people on both sides that are just out of their fucking minds.

I don't get it.

I just don't get it.

Why can't you just fucking be like me and, you know, battle booze and watch sports and get excited about things that don't matter?

Why do you have to have a fucking cause and get all into some invisible fucking guy that you never fucking met and then everybody around you has to die if they don't think the way you think?

What is it?

There's a tipping point in religion.

And it's a combination of like

You believe too much and you got too much fucking I don't know what

You know I just do a bit about that If you have like too much power and you get too much into fucking religion, like it always goes bad.

You start oppressing other fucking people, you know?

Like, when my people really get into Jesus, white people, it gets fucking scary.

You know?

Black people get really into Jesus.

Yeah, it's a fucking great service.

Killer band.

That's it.

They're confined.

White people, it's an open fucking field.

Whatever the fuck they think,

they just run with it.

No checks and balances.

That's the problem.

So I don't know what goes on with these fire.

I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about, but I don't know what goes on with these people.

How the fuck you convince somebody that their last fucking move on the planet is you're going to walk into

a group of people sitting there watching a show or eating a fucking slice of pizza and you're going to kill all of them.

And then God's going to be like, hey, nice going.

Woo!

Hey, buddy.

I want to talk to you.

You know, I would have done that, but I couldn't think that.

Thank God you thought to do that.

I don't know.

So, anyways, so good luck to Spain.

I hope you eradicate those cunts right out of your fucking beautiful country.

Anyways, why do I talk world politics?

Well, I know why, because it makes you guys feel smarter, right?

Hey, Bill, maybe next time you bring up Spain, maybe you could fuck Ago fuck yourself.

I'll do what I want.

Oh, by the way, I got some, I got some, I got a giveaway this week for the the first thousand people.

All right, now wait a second.

Before you take out your fucking first,

the first thousand people that text

a particular phrase to a particular number will win some all things comedy merchandise.

They're basically stickers.

All right?

Text it?

Is that what it is?

Yeah, and I'm just letting you know that

this is so they can build up their email fucking database and let you guys know what's going on with their site, okay?

So it's fucking transparent what we're trying to do here for the price of a sticker.

That's what we're trying to do.

You know, we're trying to get more social media and all that type of shit because

we got big shit coming up on all things comedy.

Relaunch the website

next month.

Burt Kreischer has a cooking show on there called Something's Burning.

I'm going to be doing those Road Rage fucking videos where you got the fucking camera on me and all of that shit and then the person that did whatever they did.

Felipe Esparza is going to be doing a home improvement show.

Basically, your favorite comics doing the shit that they like to do, being funny.

We got our first stand-up special release with Paul Versee.

We got a bunch of stuff going on and talks of,

yes, all kinds of other things, sports shows and all this type of stuff.

So we're trying to...

Got to let you guys know what's going on.

So here's what you do.

If you want a sticker, if you don't want to do it, don't fucking do it.

But if you want to do it, all you need to do is text all capitals, no space, Bill Burr, B-I-L-L-B-U-R-R,

two, four, four, two, two, two.

Reggie Jackson, Doug Fluty, Derek fucking, oh, fuck that.

Jerry Remy, the rem dog.

It was his day today.

I would have said Derek Cheetah.

4422.

Two fours, three twos.

You got it?

For a sticker?

And then we'll be bugging you, letting you know what's going on with all these great shows we have coming up.

You know, we got Bobby Lee, we got Al Madrigal, we got all these fucking people.

All right, we have Ari Shafir.

All right, so anyways, and I got to be honest with you,

after these last six games, Red Sox Yankees, and having money on the game, I got to be honest with you.

After all these years saying Pete Rose shouldn't be in the Hall of Fame, the man was right.

Betting on baseball, it makes it better.

It does.

It makes it fuck it makes you care

you know you think october baseball is exciting put your paycheck on a game in august all right

you don't need joe buck and all those extra fucking microphones to make that exciting

dude am i gonna get chimara with t-tops am i gonna be homeless you know that's the type but that's that's the type of stakes that you want to raise uh i'm calling it right now patriots giants the rubber game.

This year's Super Bowl, Patriots finally fucking win, right?

No helmet catch, no fucking Brady the Welker, fucking two-foot pass that goes incomplete.

No Asante Samuels dropping the fucking ball.

None of that shit.

We're finally going to beat those cunts, and you know, Hawaii, Tom Coughlin.

No, Tom Coughlin's going to be the difference.

I love what the Giants are doing.

I think they're going to, you know, and they got fucking Eli.

He's got ice fucking water in his veins.

All right.

Their team is looking good.

All right.

And I'm telling you, that team's looking good because I've paid attention for about eight minutes during this preseason.

And

I've just been hearing a lot of chatter about weapons being added and field goal kickers and all of this type of shit.

And people questioning Eli, right, as he sits there in his darkers and his fucking,

you know, I don't know what he's, you know, he always looks like he just did the right thing the way he dresses, right?

The loafers, the fucking pants, the sweater, you know.

Just like he, he dresses the way I should be dressing at my age, and he's like fucking 12 years younger than me.

And the man gets the fucking job done the later the season is, and forget about in January.

The man is lights out, okay?

Telling you.

Telling you, it's going to be a rematch, and we're going to win.

And that's the fucking team I want to play.

That is the fucking team i want to play because we got nothing to lose they got everything to lose because if they're 2-0 they can talk shit for the rest of fucking time i want another shot

right the fuck two and oh three and oh i don't give a fuck

that doesn't make any difference

but if we get that last one be like aye then maybe then we can give them shit ah you know what the fuck you know sante samma dropped a fucking ball then it was a screen pan you know whatever Whatever, we got you.

Then it's over.

Then we got that thing we could say back.

That's what I'm saying, you know, because I've ran to a couple of Giants fans.

They're like, oh, I'll die right now.

You don't fucking want it.

Why don't we want it?

They're just logos at this point.

Eli's probably the only guy left from that 2007 team.

And I bet at least, I don't know, three-quarters of both teams are gone since the last one.

That's why I never get into those types of stats going,

these guys historically have not done well.

It's like, it's all different people.

It's all different people wearing the same clothes with better drugs.

Better drugs.

Better drugs in their system.

Okay?

Just like the drugs that were sent to a particular quarterback's wife, okay?

Because she hurt her arm taking cookies out of the oven.

Okay.

It was a complete non-story.

However, had that guy taken a queef worth of air out of a ball,

all of his rings would have been questioned.

That's how it works.

Okay, we're taking callers.

You know what I did today?

You know what's funny?

I did so much, so many fucking positive things today.

So many, this podcast is not one of them, but I did so many fucking positive things today.

You know?

And then my wife, my wife, she still had the nerve to be moody.

And I don't know about you guys, but what the fuck goes on with me?

I don't know about you.

I don't put up with that.

I don't put up with the moodiness.

Okay?

Come on.

What do I got to do here?

What happened?

Fucking thing just died on me here.

There we go.

I don't put up with that moody shit.

If I did something, you got me.

I'm sorry.

All right.

I said, I'm sorry.

No.

That moody shit.

If I do fucking nine things right and then the ten things wrong, and then you're going to get all moody with me, I swear to God.

I swear, I just.

That's it.

You know what I do?

I go, hey, hey, Grumpy, what's going on?

And if she doesn't fucking snap out of it, then

I just shut down.

You know, and then, you know, I'm fucking German-Irish.

You want to play the silence game?

I could do this all.

I could do this forever.

All right, you think there's a lot of silence and master of none?

Let me tell you something right now.

I can do fucking silence.

I don't know why I'm making this motion with my hand.

I grew up with that shit.

Rage, silence.

You know, days going by.

Hey, you dumb cunts all going to stare at the sun tomorrow.

Do yourself a favor.

Just wait for the pictures.

You know what I mean?

Looking at a fucking lunar eclipse or solar eclipse, whatever the fuck's going on here.

It's a lunar eclipse, right?

Is it the lunar eclipse?

There's the one I learned that when the Earth is between the sun and the moon, the moon turns red.

Because it deflects the fucking light or something.

The only reason why I know this is because this shit's happening on Monday and one of the writers in the writer's room knew this shit.

And then there's the other one where the moon passes in front of the sun.

Oh my god, this haven't happened for 37, 38 fucking years.

Did you just see that little, not a meme, was it a gif?

That thing going around about that newscaster.

I actually really used to like,

I used to watch him when I was a kid, and he said,

that eclipse today was,

there's not going to be another one in 38 years, and let's hope that when it fucking happens on a world that knows nothing but peace.

You know, and everybody's like, wow,

wow, he said that and then wow, it's just like, what do you, we've never been at peace, ever,

ever.

Never will be.

There'll never be world peace.

There'll never be world peace.

The level of violence that would have to occur.

for there to be peace, you'd have to be the last person on earth.

Because if there's another person, if there was just two people, at some point the other person is going to annoy you, and then there goes the peace.

Right?

That's what happened with Adam and Eve.

I hate to tell you, all you people out there that believe we came from fucking the ocean.

I actually believe in

creationism, whatever the fuck they call it.

All right?

There were two white people that started all of this, and somehow we had

all the other races out of them.

These two white people, right?

Adam and Eve, and they got annoyed with each other.

So she goes for a walk, right?

The snake gets in her ear.

Next thing you know, right?

She goes over and she bites an apple, which for whatever reason is healthy.

It's a good thing.

It's got fiber in it.

You know?

I don't understand why the man, the invisible guy, was upset by that.

Because you know what it was?

An apple with the sugar in it.

Like, because

there was no weed or coke or meth or anything like that, like apples were, I guess, the heroin of it back then.

And he said, let me tell you two little shit something, all right?

You want to live in this fucking Garden of Eden here?

Well, do you?

Stay away from the fucking apple tree.

That's it.

She went down.

She's probably going, hey, you know, I'm going going to go down and eat one of those fucking apples and fucking what's his face?

Whatever.

Was it her brother?

I don't know what went.

None of that fucking.

Is anybody religious listening to this shit?

How to fuck the two white people, okay?

Fuck and create all different races of people.

Forget about that.

How if you just have two

fucking people and then they bang, and then what?

How do you keep it going?

Their kids have to fuck.

Exactly.

You had nothing, didn't you?

Their kids have to fuck.

And then their kids' kids fuck.

Is that how we went from Adam and Eve to fucking cavemen?

Neander talls, and those other fucking people with those slopey foreheads,

you know, and that fucking Frankenstein brow, which I kind of have.

Is that what happened?

Because Adam and Eve banged and then their kids had to fair to sit down and say, children,

you have to fuck one another in order to keep this thing going.

Right?

None of it makes sense.

None of those stories fucking make sense any more than the fat guy in the red fucking suit going down a goddamn chimney.

Okay, first of all, if it was fucking true, all these new homes without fireplaces would not have a Christmas.

What do parents who live in houses without fireplaces say?

You know?

Up on the housetop, reindeer paws, out jumps good old Santa Claus, looking for a chimney, but there isn't one.

Gets back and say, you have no fun.

Go fuck yourself, right?

No goddamn toys.

Go fuck yourself.

Go to child world.

All right?

That's part of his contract.

You leave cookies and there's a fucking chimney chimney or that's it.

It's over

That and evidently he has no interest in anybody who's not Christian

He makes toys for everybody unless they're not Christian

You know what it is?

It's just everyone we were tribes and we had these we were tribes and we just came up with these fucking stories and as it expanded and everybody started fucking interacting all the holes in our shit, you know, once you got that global view, that all fucked up.

All of a sudden, the world wasn't flat, you know, depending on what basketball player you talked to.

It was round.

You've all of a sudden, you found out that it was fucking round.

These people aren't Indians.

They're not from the fucking, they're not from India.

They're from America.

America, right?

The greatest fucking.

Oh, by the way, I forgot to say, you know, if you go to tech, oh, I just fucked up.

If you go to Texati, we're not sending a sticker oversea, by the way.

This is just for Americans only.

And by Americans, I mean United States, America, maybe Canada.

I don't know.

You can't do it because it's a fucking sticker and then they got to fill out forms.

I should have said that earlier.

You know, I should have done a lot of things in life, but I got to tell you what, not telling you guys that, you know, if you text that fucking number and it's international,

and the sticker's not coming.

That's probably one of my biggest regrets.

Other than the fact the last time I didn't watch an eclipse,

you know, there was a guy wishing for world peace the next time it came around.

And now here we are, 38 fucking years later.

38 years later.

Are we any closer?

You know, I'm sure somebody said that in the 1940s after fucking Hitler and Stalin and all that shit.

Hey, you know, there was a

last night there was a typhoon.

I hope the next time there's a typhoon, it's

killing innocent people in a peaceful world.

It's never going to happen.

Well, Jesus, Bill, not with that fucking attitude.

The children have to fuck.

When we return, part two of the Adam and Eve story.

The story no one wanted to show you.

All right, so anyways, I've been

how many fucking minutes into this pile of shit podcast that I do.

Am I 25, 26 minutes, people?

26 minutes is some of the most ignorant shit you're ever going to listen to.

Yet you continue to listen.

You continue to listen.

All right, you know what I did?

So I did all this productive shit today.

Yes, my wife, she started pulling the grumpy thing, right?

Like, I was going to wake up this morning, bad doo bada doo, and I was going to go play drums,

all right?

Which I'm still going to do, but I'm going to do it tonight.

Okay, but I could tell she was tired or whatever, okay?

So the advantage, my wife, that your lady has, your lady

has

is when the kid's crying, they always have the option of the boob.

Bam, instant, shut it, right?

Puts the kid to sleep, they feel comfort, and all that type of stuff.

The only way that a man can compete in that arena is you have to, you either put the kid in the car and drive around the block a few times, or what I think is better, you just put the kid in the stroller, you just walk around the block.

Now you're burning some of your dad-barred calories.

You know, your kid gets to look around and see a bunch of stuff.

Fucking acid trip, birds flying around, jets, cars, trees, right?

Everything's amazing to them.

And then eventually they fall asleep.

So anyways, I could tell my wife, my wife, was really sleepy.

So I said, all right, you know, she goes, it'd be really nice if you could just take it for a walk.

Because she was up and my wife wasn't.

And I was just like, all right, I was going to work out.

I'll go play drums.

You know what?

Fuck it.

I'll do it.

So I did.

Went on a nice long walk, did the whole thing.

We had a great time.

She finally fell asleep.

After like 20 minutes, she finally falls asleep.

And then I walked around, like extra, you know, take an extra long,

you know, walk home and, you know,

walking further past the house, coming back up, come back up, you know.

My wife's still downstairs.

I can tell she's still sleeping.

We hung out.

We had breakfast together, right?

I watched a little of the Jerry Remy,

you know, Jerry Remy Day at Fenway Park.

Just did all of that.

And then she didn't come upstairs till like fucking, I don't know, 11:30,

11 o'clock or something, something like that.

So then she goes, all right, let's go out today.

We said we're going to go out.

I'm like, all right, let's go out.

Let's go out.

So

she gets the kid ready and everything but the fucking shoes.

I try to put the shoes on.

I just can't do it.

I can't do it.

She tries to kick them off.

I start laughing and I can't get them on.

And I finally got one of them on and I realized I had it on the wrong foot.

And I was like, fucking I had to undo the buckle.

And then I finally got it on right.

And she just kicked it off.

And I just laughed.

I said, I can't do it.

I can't do it.

And I left.

She's like, really?

And I said, yeah.

I go, look, there's some things you're better at than I am.

You're just better at this, right?

So I leave.

She goes, where are you going?

I said, I'm going to go watch the Red Sox.

She goes, well, come down here and watch it.

So I said, okay.

So then I went upstairs

and she told me how her tire pressure was down.

And I was trying to remember how to do that because I knew I had the tire pressure fucking thing, you know.

You stick the thing on there so you don't overinflate, you don't underinflate.

I'm looking up that.

We got a little water bubbler.

We're all out of water.

It's a good opportunity to clean the fucking thing.

I'm looking at shit like that when I'm up there.

So

I didn't go back downstairs.

And she came upstairs, fucking pissed at me.

Because she spent like whatever the next 15 minutes trying to get ready with my daughter downstairs, which I understand.

I must have have been a pain in the ass but i was up there fucking you know

yeah so yeah she gets in a mood

now she's in a mood not yelling you know

not flipping out just in a mood

you know they you know when they get in a fucking mood they get this look on their face they stop looking at you and they make sure that they keep walking into the room that you're in You know, as you talk to them and they barely say anything back.

So you know what?

So you know what?

Come on, guys.

Let's learn something here.

So, you are aware that she's in a what?

A mood.

Oh,

Jesus.

Somebody's in a mood.

I'm sorry.

Did I do 99 out of 100 things?

Jesus fucking Christ.

So she's in a fucking mood.

Then I got to go out, you know, because I got my fucked up driveway.

I got to get my car out of the way, bring her fucking car out because you got to get the fucking air in the tires.

Oh, and I'm out.

Oh, you think I'm muttering?

I put on a clinic of muttering.

Huh?

Fucking take the kid.

I'm talking to kid up the goddamn fucking hill, come down, make a break of fucking blow up that deck and clean out the water bubble.

And I got to come home.

Fitness!

Right?

Henry Hill.

So that's it.

And I'm like, all right, I will match your mood with an even dumber mood.

So that's it.

So then she starts to sense that I'm in a fucking mood.

Now her mood put me in a fucking mood.

Now she's sensing that I'm in this fucking mood.

So now all of a sudden, what does she do?

She starts flipping it around being nice.

Right?

And I'm just giving her fucking quick answers like Jerry Lewis, rest his soul.

Passed away today.

Dick Gregory a few days ago, and now Jerry Lewis.

Jerry Lewis, arguably one of the funniest human beings that ever lived.

Ever lived.

He actually spoke at my college graduation, and he was phenomenal.

He did the parent student breakfast.

And when he did that, he was crazy, Jerry.

And then when he spoke at my college, he was coming down the aisle.

He was still crazy.

You know, they bring people in, yeah, that, that, that, that, that, and all fucking, the, the, the fucking with the dean and all those people come down with their, ooh, we have a special colored tassel, you know.

We're higher than you.

You know, they come down in their robes.

Well, he was coming down, and he put his hands on the shoulder of the person in front of him.

He had one of those dumb hats on, too.

And he put his hands.

And when he walked down, he was just going,

came down and everyone was dying laughing.

But when he went to give the speech, he was telethoned, Jerry.

It was great.

You got to see the full gamut of the guy.

Absolutely love that guy.

That guy made me laugh like nobody's business.

So very sad day.

And Dick Gregory, I learned about him, obviously being a comedian a long time ago, read that book, Callus on My Soul.

All those stories about him being one of the first black guys to ever work, like White Rooms, you know, the Playboy Mansion in Chicago, playing that.

Because what's his face there?

Hugh Hefner was cool enough to let him play there.

So rest in peace to both of them.

So, anyway, so now this all pales in comparison to those two comedy giants.

All right, so I matched my wife's mood with my mood.

All right.

So now she's

okay.

Now she's trying to be be nice to get me out of my fucking mood because then she realizes this is all silent by the way.

This is all body language all curt little answers One of these things now she realizes that oh, I took my mood too far.

I overly made my point which justified him now being in his fucking mood right

So then at some point she finally just goes hey, are you just gonna like

She goes, are you gonna be in a bad mood for the rest of the day?

I'm like, I'm not in a bad mood.

I'm in a great mood.

We have an awesome house.

I tell jokes for a living.

We're going to go get, we're going to go out today.

I'm in a good mood.

I have the day off.

I am in a good mood.

You, on the other hand, I don't know.

She goes, I'm over it.

I'm over it.

I go, fine.

It's about you're just going to like,

you know, like, not talk to me.

I said, look, we're going out shopping for kids' shoes.

The second I see kids' shoes, it just puts me in a good mood.

They're fucking adorable.

Those little Jordans, the little shell toes.

Kids' clothes are the cutest fucking things ever.

They're not even for kids, they're for adults.

See some little sport car, you're like, no,

right, you can't help it.

So I told her, I said, just let me get to the fucking kids' sneakers, and then that'll put me in a better fucking mood.

Do you know what I saw today at some fucking

over on La Brea?

They got this,

they got this store.

It's just all these crazy signs and all of this basically junk, just shit from businesses that shut down or are remodeled.

And this guy just has all these fucking sides.

Sad, sides him and what's that?

So I'm walking up and they actually had the old school, the little McDonald's arch with the arrow that said drive-through, open 24 hours.

That's what put me in a good mood.

All the childhood memories.

We were a McDonald's family.

We were not a Burger King family.

That was a big thing back then.

You know, nobody talked politics.

You didn't talk fucking religion.

Okay, you talked about sports, and what do you like better?

Coca-Pepsi.

Coca-Pepsi, McDonald's, a Burger King.

Those were the big fucking debates back then.

And

we were with McDonald's fucking family.

We used to go to this McDonald's.

I don't even know where the fuck it was.

It was like in Peabody or North Reading, way back in the early 70s.

It was off, it was near these railroad tracks.

And I remember there was these fucking seagulls and pigeons and shit, and you'd be eating outside and then throwing them french fries.

And then you got to see a train go by.

And it was the cool.

This is like pre-iPads, pre-fucking,

you know, internet.

There was nothing to do.

Cartoons,

our UHF antenna was busted.

I could only watch cartoons on Saturday.

So this was a big fucking deal.

I'd always get a cheeseburger, small fry, and a chocolate shake.

That's what the fuck I had,

you know, for a long fucking time.

Past when it wasn't filling me up, you know, but you were afraid of your dad.

It's like, I'm not going to ask for a quarter pound of cheese.

I don't know what this is going to do

to the whole dynamic.

Everybody's in a good mood.

I'm not going to try to fucking go up a size here.

That's how Americans got fat.

Once

dads became their kids' kids' friends, they weren't afraid to fucking supersize their meals.

The last four years of ordering a cheeseburger, small fry, and chocolate shake, I was fucking starving at the end of it.

Eyeballing my younger brother's cheeseburger.

Like, you going to fucking finish that?

Huh, you little fucking gummy bear.

You got your fucking teeth.

I'll eat it.

So anyways, I saw that thing today and I was just like, I would fucking, I don't know, I'm not into junk, I'm not into stuff, but there's something about that thing.

I just think it's fucking cool to get it fixed up as the

fucking base was all bent and shit.

But to fix that fucking thing up,

I was like, I'll stick that at the end of my driveway.

Have that thing lit up.

My wife's like, you know, saying our neighbors would hate us.

It's like, I know they hate us.

I would never stick it out there.

If I had, like, you know,

if I had some giant fucking house, right,

you know,

and there was some sort of,

I don't know what.

You know, those fucking houses, those, those

Republicans have them, you know.

And I'm not saying there's not rich liberals, but the Republicans live in those states where you can fucking have a house and then another house on your property.

You know, you have an old barn.

You know, and you just let your wife, your wife gets the fucking house.

I'm telling you, this is my fucking dream.

My dream, right?

You know, but I mean, I would love to live.

I can't live out there, interracial couple.

I can't go out there into fucking Nazi land,

you know?

All these fucking people marching around.

But, anyways, I would love to have a fucking old house in one of those states that still has clean air, if it even exists.

And you just got a giant fucking,

what used to be a barn and on the bottom

you'd have your daily driver your classic car and like a fucking sick motorcycle all right and then up top i'd have it fucking closed there'd be a i always told you this be a drum room fucking place to work out and the rest of it is just a fucking cigar bar

you know And then some stupid fucking reason, I would find a place for that McDonald's drive-through sign.

You know?

And the more my wife hated it, the more it would drive me into the barn.

Anyways, let's read some advertising here for this week, shall we?

I always hated that Burger King tried to act like our burgers are flame-broiled, yeah, and then frozen and driven in a fucking truck across the country.

You know, used to always show that in the commercial.

Like they're sitting there

with some fucking open grill back there cooking these fucking things.

They're not cooking these things.

But

look who's here.

Oh my God, man.

You know, I'm one race race behind with the Moto GP.

Mark, Marquez.

I really fucking enjoy that.

And I actually, I think I like it better than Formula One because there's all kinds of passing.

There's no passing in Formula One, it seems,

you know, as far as the first guy.

That's my big complaint.

And then they're like, oh, there's all this amazing racing in position four and five and six.

Well, fucking show that.

Anyways, let me just plow ahead here.

Me undies, every, no, no, I already did that.

Let me ask, no, I'll read the questions for this week.

This is what I'm supposed to be doing.

All right.

Okay, boyfriend's Facebook.

Oh, this is never good.

All right.

Hi, Bill.

Straight to the point.

Me and my boyfriend, we've been together for two years now, and we're happy, Smiley Face.

The thing that concerns me is that a few times on his Facebook Messenger, I saw that he is writing on a weekly basis with an ex-college

colleague of his, a beautiful young lady.

The thing is that they were close at work back then, but he quit three months ago.

And I just don't believe in male-female friendships.

I'm talking from experience.

Also, when we were watching, basically, if I, you know, if we're having a conversation, if we're talking, eventually we're going to fuck, is what you're saying.

Also,

when we're watching some videos and stuff

on his phone in the search field, I saw a list of a few girls' names.

Other than that, he has been great to me and hasn't shown any signs of a manhor yet.

Am I too suspicious or do I have the right to worry?

Thanks and go fuck yourself.

I don't fuck.

That's not enough.

That's not enough information.

I wouldn't, you know,

this ex-colleague that's a beautiful lady.

Yeah, that's weird.

You're right.

That's fucking weird.

I don't know about the fucking phone shit.

That's,

I have no idea.

I have no idea what that's about.

But that, that thing there, yeah, that's definitely a red flag.

You know what I mean?

Like, well, put yourself in his position.

If you were fucking, you know, close with some guy and you left the job three months ago and you still chat on Facebook.

And, you know.

Here's the thing about women.

They can sit there and be like, oh, I thought we were just friends.

They seem to be able to get away with that.

But I would always say to the woman I was with, I was like, listen, can I I tell you something?

That guy wants to fuck you.

Okay?

I don't care how much you have in common and how you both like fucking Rose or whatever the fuck it is.

And he really listens to you when you talk.

He wants to fuck you.

Yeah, so I don't know what you do there because you went on his Facebook and you're snooping.

So that's one of the things, you know, if you're going to pull that aha moment, you better be right.

Because if you're not, then they get to play the, you know,

how dare you snoop?

You know, how dare you fucking snoop on me?

It's just like,

I mean, don't women have the out?

Why are you snooping on me?

Because you have a dick, sir.

That's why.

I trust you.

I don't trust your dick.

All right, missed opportunity.

So

I would bring it up.

I don't know if you bring it up.

I don't have enough information.

That was a really quick and to the point, which I really appreciate.

But

watching some videos and stuff in the search field, I saw a list of a few girls' names.

That's not good either.

I don't fucking know, but I don't know who the girls are.

But that there, right there, that fucking ex-colleague thing.

I don't know.

I don't know.

That seems like a blowjob in the future to me.

That's what I would, if I was standing in front of a green screen, a little meteorologist, there'd be a fucking, you know, dick floating towards a woman with their mouth open.

Down south.

All right, missed opportunity.

Hey, Billy Buckaroo.

I'm going back to school soon, within the next week.

Actually, I got an offer a couple days ago to register for a class this upcoming semester that is essentially a paid internship.

It entailed working with a company called Sun Corporation.

Why is my stomach growling?

Because I'm on a diet.

Called Sun Corporation on a software project.

If you complete the internship, you get paid a couple hundred dollars, like two or three hundred.

and of course something worth putting on your resume for job hunting but the thing is that i turned it down i didn't think it would mean that much to take it as i don't really need the money and software engineering majors are for the most part guaranteed a job after graduation plus i only have one semester left and it's looking like it's going to be pretty tough

and it's looking like it's going to be pretty tough anyway all right so you got to concentrate on schools what's the problem

He says, however, I cannot help feel a bit pissed off at myself for saying no.

It's one of those things that has virtually no negatives to it.

I get work experience and money.

What more could I need?

Anyway, I can't help but see this as a wasted opportunity.

My question to you is, have you ever been offered an opportunity in your community career that you've pissed out, pussied out on and then heavily regretted later?

And can you offer me advice on this?

Thanks and go fuck yourself.

All right, first of all, dude, it's a fucking internship.

It's your last semester.

It's going to be tough.

You know, you want to fucking go out and party a little bit.

It's not the worst thing.

It's not the end of the fucking world.

And absolutely, I had,

oh my God, all kinds of times I pussied out.

Early in my career, I was afraid.

I was afraid to go on stage.

I was afraid of bombing.

I was afraid of the whole fucking thing.

So, yeah, there was a whole bunch of times that I did.

So, what I would do, I started to do in moments like that.

If my fucking stomach will stop, I gotta eat dinner.

I was good today.

For lunch, I had lentil soup and a fucking salad.

And,

you know, I've just been, I've been trying.

I'm laying off the booze.

I don't eat fucking sweets.

You know, the writer's room, we have fucking Fridays and where we just order whatever we want.

And fucking, they got barbecue.

And I just, you know, that's like, at my age, that's like nap food.

It's really like drinking like fucking Nyquil or some shit.

So I can't do that.

Anyways,

let's see.

How would I answer?

Sorry, I just clicked that fucking elbow hit the button there.

How would I answer this?

I would basically say

what I did was

I always remember what it felt like when I pussied out that night.

When I put my head down on the pillow, my big Charlie Brown fucking head, I'd put it down on the pillow and I just would always remember like

that awful feeling of pussying out, you know?

And then I so then the next time that moment happened, I'd be like, all right, tonight, whether I kill, whether I bomb, whether I just do okay, I'm going to feel way better

than if I didn't even try.

So, but I think you're being too hard on yourself on this one.

I mean, you didn't pussy out.

You just said no.

You seemed like you weighed your options.

If you were too afraid to do it, then I would say that you pussied out.

But I don't think you did.

But I don't know.

If your reasons for doing it were different,

you know, if there was some sort of fear involved,

you you got to figure out why you did it

and then you got to forgive yourself for doing it because it's part of, like, you know, you got to fail to succeed, right?

Remember that Michael Jordan commercial?

You know, missed all those shots.

Missed all those shots.

I failed over and over and over and over and over again.

That is why I succeed.

There you go.

Same fucking thing.

Same fucking thing.

All right, nose job.

Dear Billy Muzzarella legs.

What?

Hello?

Is that my daughter yelling at me in there?

She does this hilarious thing.

When you're on the phone, you have it on speaker.

She sees you talking into it, and she just starts going,

what are you yelling about?

I can't find a single passive ball.

You know, I was telling them that story of how, you know.

I did all that stuff for you this morning, then you got into a mood.

So then I matched your mood with my mood.

And then we had that little game that you play where then you try to be nice to get me out of my mood you know that little thing no I don't know what you're talking about Nia

I don't know what you're talking about Nia

what do you want me to say you know what I'm saying

I don't know what he's talking about either Nia what what what

That's a funny game where, you know, you go into a mood, and then it puts me in a mood, then you go, okay, maybe I took my mood too far, so now I'll be the one to turn it around.

And then you know me, you always got to fucking pull me out of the anger mud, right?

Fine, yeah, sure.

Oh, yeah.

Can you tell, guys?

You're hearing a voice.

Look how beautiful you are.

I gotta find that pacifier.

Hey, buddy.

Huh, you like the computer?

Anything with the screen on it, you like.

What are you yelling for?

It's because you got half my DNA.

Is that what the problem is?

You realize as you grow up, every time you screw up, I'm going to get blamed for that.

Because I'm the the screw-up in this relationship.

That's right.

Talk to the people.

Tell the people what you're feeling.

Huh?

What do you got there?

What are your feelings about global warming?

What should we do?

Nothing.

The baby senator was surprisingly quiet on some of the biggest issues out there.

Hey, how you liking you loving the avocados?

Aren't you the mushed-up avocados?

You liking them?

She's shy.

Does she have mic fright?

She doesn't know what it is.

Surprise, she didn't grab it.

All right, here we go.

Hey, somebody's going to ask a question about a nose job.

Some reason, my fuck.

Oops, sorry, don't mean to curse here.

My stomach is growling.

I'm hungry, too.

Yeah.

All right, nose job.

Dear Billy, mozzarella, like

the mozzarella.

White like the mozzarelle.

I'm a 43-year-old married father of two.

Yeah, you like that, huh?

Very happy with my life, but could use some advice.

You see, I have a schnauz.

Oh my god, dude, this your nose is still bugging you at 43, you're married, a woman loves you, you got a couple of kids.

A real honker, a really big nose.

Hey, I'll tell you, I got a big nose over here.

Now you want to talk, huh?

I've been able to get by with a successful life,

career, and marriage.

But in the back of my mind,

okay,

in the back of my mind, and whenever I look in the mirror, I just can't get over my nose.

I kind of look like

old Joke Groucho Marks.

Oh, those old Joke Groucho Marks with the glasses, without glasses.

Now my question is,

why are you yelling?

I gave you the floor and you didn't want to talk and now you're yelling there, cutie?

What are you doing?

Huh?

what do you say to wrinkles

my little sharpe

um all right where am i

now my question is

being that i've come this far in life and at my age do you think it's super vain or silly to get surgery done money

money or wife is not an issue i just think it's silly of me to really want to do this but it's really affecting me where i don't want to look at myself in the mirror when I shave

or put on contacts.

Thank for the advice and go Yankees.

Let's go Yankees.

Guess we're in New York.

New York.

Guess we're in New York, huh?

Go Yankee.

The greatest promo ever, Wheel of Fortune, if you can ever find it.

When they went to New York.

I guess we're in New York, huh?

Go Yankee!

That was it.

Two-second clip.

Here's the thing, dude.

I actually.

Don't get surgery.

Yeah, you got got to learn to love yourself.

And here's the thing.

When you got a friggin giant nose,

it's really defines your face.

Like people, that's what you look like.

And then when you shave that thing down,

you're not going to look like yourself anymore.

And people are going to be like, you know.

I bet, I bet you're.

What's wrong with you?

I bet.

Maybe if I talk quieter, I bet that the only person that really has issue with your nose is you.

You know,

your wife loves you, your kids love you, you got friends, you're fine.

I wouldn't do it.

I wouldn't do it.

Okay?

You think that I haven't looked into, you know, whatever Michael Jackson had bleached out of him to put a little bit of that in me so I can wear shorts?

Can I have some of that leftover pigment?

Look, you're always going to have something about yourself that you don't like.

I am a firm believer in just keeping yourself in shape,

yelling over a baby, and

basically,

you know, aging naturally.

You look way better.

All right.

Whoever makes us knows what they're doing.

However, if you're going to go that road, I don't know.

I don't know.

You better make sure you find somebody good.

Exactly.

Because you could end up like

that chick from Dirty Dancing, who I thought was gorgeous.

And I loved her nose.

Yeah.

I loved her nose.

She looks beautiful.

Yeah,

I know, I know.

She looks so cute.

She got a lead in the movie with that nose.

Barbara Streisand, who else has a very strong nose?

Sarah Jessica Parker.

Who are the guys that have like strong nose?

Joe Bartnick.

Joe Bartnick.

Joe Bartnick, yeah, that was that lady, that lady when she made fun of his nose and he said, you need to lose about 40 pounds before you talk to me, bitch.

One of the great lines ever.

And then her husband turned around when she complained, looked at Joe, took one look at Joe, and then started yelling at me.

I was like, you fucking.

Oh, sorry.

I'm not going to lie.

That's what I would have done.

I would have kicked a smaller guy.

Why?

What are you saying?

What are you saying?

Pay attention to me, man.

He wants to talk to you.

Oh, you can talk to me anytime you want.

All right.

Ask girlfriend's dad for hand in marriage, and he denied.

Oh, no.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Okay, we got to read this one.

Whoa.

Come on, baby.

You got to be quiet.

Okay.

This one is riveting.

You got to listen to this one, kiddo.

All right.

Hi, sir.

Hi, Sir William Burr.

Hey, Long.

You know what's so funny is the amount of people that are going to say mean stuff.

I get it.

She's cute, but I swear to God, if you bring your kid on that poor kid, don't look the.

All right, longtime fan.

Thank you for all the laughs.

She got me through some hard times, and I am thankful to that.

All right.

Well, thank you very much.

Anyways, I've been dating my current girlfriend for five years.

Come this November.

I'm 25 and she is 24.

I've been thinking about proposing, so I decided to do an old tradition by asking her father's hand in marriage.

Now, that's a classy move.

The dads like that stuff.

I also asked her mother to be sure

to be there as she is very close to both of them.

I took them out to dinner and I told them how much I loved her and how much she means to me, etc., etc.

Once I was done giving my speech, they just stared at me like I had three heads.

They didn't give me their blessing to marry their baby and went on saying that they don't think that I get along with their

siblings well.

And it seemed awkward when we, the family, are together.

Uh-oh.

Oh, my God.

Uh-oh.

They said that they felt like I would try to move their daughter away from her family.

Because of my job, and she belongs with her family.

Oh, no.

Should I keep dating, hoping that something changes, or that

the relationship with her parents can't be repaired?

Or should I just give up on this five-year relationship?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

First of all, that sucks.

Yes.

And I can tell you this right now.

Marrying into that.

I know.

That effing nightmare.

That's going to be a nightmare.

Yeah, you better love this girl because I'll tell you it, buddy.

Yeah.

That sounds like those parents are going to screw up.

Do they live on a compound?

That sounds like the Rayburns in bloodline or something.

You're trying to marry into one of those families.

Yeah, I would walk.

He's got to talk to his girlfriend about it and be like, listen, I wanted this to be a surprise, but I went out and I asked your parents about getting married because I wanted to do it the right way.

And this is what they told me.

And see what she says.

Like, and I think you just kind of go from there.

But yeah, what are they, like Freemasons or something?

You know, you marry into the family too so if you don't get along with them on that level and they're already looking at you like

this sounds like some blue blood yeah i don't know you know the hedges never need clipping her away is she the youngest is she like what i i'm just i'm curious as to did you not see this coming whatsoever because i would find that a little hard to believe um but maybe he hadn't spent much time with the family well if he didn't see it coming that would mean that he's a dope and maybe that's why they don't want him to marry the kid

this guy's got no anticipation skills.

He doesn't see what's the hand in front of his face.

Like, obviously, you know that you don't get along with the siblings.

I feel like that probably wasn't a surprise to you.

It sounds like nobody in the family likes you but that woman.

Yeah.

So she's going to have to then make a decision, you or them, which is very romantic for somebody in their 20s.

But eventually, as you start having kids and stuff, Christmases and all that are going to, oh, dude,

I don't know how much you love her, but this would be a great thing to walk away from

if you could do it.

Yeah, that's five years.

That's a long, you know, no, he's 25.

It's it's a five years

25.

It's the first three years, he shouldn't have been in a relationship.

You got to be a free agent in college, huh?

You gotta, you gotta get the lay of the land out there.

No pun intended over there.

Yeah, maybe they think you're just too young.

Well, no, they said why they don't approve.

So I think you, if you're really, you gotta talk to your girl about it.

They don't like him.

Yeah.

You gotta talk to your girl and see what she says.

Do a favor, just dump her so then she doesn't know why, and then she won't blame her family because you're not gonna marry into that.

I would leave.

I would leave right now.

Okay, we're moving on to the next question.

I would leave.

No, you wouldn't.

He's got to talk to her about it.

Oh, in my 20s, I wouldn't have because I wouldn't have been smart enough.

But in my 40s, if your family was just like, yeah, you know, we just don't like you, dude.

And I would just be like, all right.

Well, yeah, and I agree with that, but he has to talk to her about it.

You got to tell her what happened.

Can you get the little crazy person here crawling all over me?

Where'd your Passie go?

She just dropped it.

She just dropped it.

It's right here.

She's going for the computer.

I'm in that lanyard, so, oh, there it is.

It's right here.

Here you go, buddy.

Here you go.

Okay, come here.

All right, let's look at the last one.

Girlfriend's sociopathic mother.

Uh-oh.

Hey, Nia,

can you give a woman, because women never write into this podcast because I'm such an asshole.

Can you give some quick advice here?

This woman went on Facebook.

She's been with this guy for two years.

She says they're happy.

He does everything right.

Everything's fine.

But she checked his Facebook.

Why?

Because you guys.

They're happy and everything is going okay.

Why did you check to see how much my check was for today?

Bill?

Huh?

Oh my god, I can't believe you're just putting me out on Front Street like that.

Because you guys snoop.

It's what you do.

Anyways.

I was just curious.

See, now you're going to have everybody with the gold-digging W-H-O-R-E comments.

That's not why you did it.

It was because we did a job together and you wanted to see what I made versus.

Job Backies.

Yeah, job back each for the family.

The job backies for the family.

Yeah, and you wanted to see how much I made versus what you made.

Obviously, I know you're going to make way more than I make, okay?

I was just happened to be there.

I mean, they did request me, but that's a whole other story.

Anyway, boyfriends Facebook.

Straight to the point.

Wait, wait, wait.

Let's go back to the check there.

Why?

Because I like watching you twist in the awkwardness that I live in day to day.

So, anyway, she goes to check the Facebook Messenger, and she said, I saw that he is writing on a weekly basis with an ex-colleague of his, a beautiful young lady.

The thing is, is that they were close at work back then, but he quit three months ago.

Okay, keep going.

That's it.

And what?

I just don't believe in male-female friendships.

I'm talking from experience.

Bap, bap, bap, bap, bap.

What do you say?

What do you say?

And what's the question?

What are you doing?

Go back.

Also, when we're watching some videos and stuff on his phone, in the search,

I saw a list of a few girls' names.

Other than that, he's great to me.

Yeah, listen, this is why you don't go snooping in social media or in phones because if you find something, because the thing is, if you are looking in that direction, you're looking for something so any little thing no matter how innocent is going to get you all fucked up in the head so if you're going to go looking for stuff you're going to go find stuff

so either drop it or confess that you've been a little snoopy snoop and you're paranoid and you're insecure but i think you should just zip it and move on and not look at his his social media or his phone anymore Wow, I said she should actually ask him about that.

That guy.

But you're the lady.

I would listen to the lady here.

Well, I said either one, you got to like fess up and be like, Listen, I've been feeling kind of insecure lately.

And I went in your Facebook and I saw that you messenger somebody.

And first of all, I apologize for invading your privacy because I wouldn't appreciate it if you did that to me.

But second of all, but since I've done it,

who is this bitch?

Who the F is this me?

All right, girlfriend, sociopathic.

Wait,

but you know, you're wrong for looking in this Facebook, and you know you're wrong for looking in this phone.

You're wrong.

You're wrong for that.

So just know that.

Girlfriend's sociopathic mother.

Hey, Billy Boo.

I can't say that in front of her.

She doesn't know that word.

I know, but still.

Not sure if this is the right place for MM questions, but I'm in dire need of red-headed C-Note wisdom.

So I've been dating this lady for about a year now, and her mother is a next-level piece of crap.

There are countless examples.

her

psychopathy of her psychopathy.

Wait, there are countless examples of her psychopathy.

They always leave out words.

I already read bad enough.

But to trim the fat on the

story,

I'll cite a couple of scenarios.

She has repeatedly asked me whether I use protection whilst banging her daughter.

And when I've responded yes, she goes on to say she has no evidence that I do use protection.

What would there be evidence?

Where would there be evidence?

No effing clue.

Unless you're banging her house and she's checking the waste paper basket.

She doesn't want her daughter to get pregnant.

I am 21 years old and she has called my mother on multiple occasions to ask to meet up with her and my girlfriend dad to talk about my girlfriend and I.

My mother's obviously declined the invitation and she has continued to yet she's continued to persist.

Other than that, she is the helicopter parent of the century and calls my girlfriend at least 15 times a day to tell her how to live her life.

I hate this woman with a burning passion, but I don't know what to do about it with my girlfriend.

My girlfriend has tried to set boundaries with the mother, but has had no luck.

Well, just don't answer the phone.

I think about the future and I never want to see this woman again, let alone have her being the law, be an in-law or the grandparent to my children.

I'd love to hear what you think.

Thanks and go F yourself.

Yeah, I mean, this see where this guy's thinking at 21.

That other guy should have been thinking at 25.

Like, you're going to marry into that.

So I mean you're young enough where you know

your girlfriend's only a few years out of the house, but she needs to just don't answer the phone.

Yeah, she just doesn't, she's worried her daughter's too young and is gonna like leave her forever and all that stuff.

She's like attached.

I don't think she's a sociopath.

Who's kidding who?

Neither one of us know this woman.

Neither one of us know this woman.

We don't have enough information.

But we're going, we have to go off of what people write to us.

That's the only way that we can, we have to like go all in.

It's like when you watch a TV show, you just got to watch it.

You can't be like, well, that would never happen if ba, ba, ba, ba.

You just got to like.

This isn't Dr.

Filda.

I'm not pretending to like solve somebody's problems within 22 minutes.

You need to stop punching her in the face and stop doing math, okay?

When we return.

Yeah, you got to talk to your girlfriend.

Obviously, your girlfriend knows, but yeah, you just got to ignore the mother.

Yeah, just ignore.

But yeah,

if she's calling like 15 times a day and she's asking about their sex life and she's calling their parents.

Yeah, that's weird.

That's really, that's crossing the line.

Shoving off the buffalo.

Yeah, you got to respect your kids'

boundaries, like their own personal space.

You can't be calling somebody's boyfriend, asking them if they're using protection.

Ask your daughter if she's on the pill.

And if she's not, get her some.

Otherwise, what are you calling me for, lady?

Yeah, that's weird.

Ah, Jesus, get your paws out of my pants there, lady.

Exactly.

All right, that is the podcast for this week.

Congratulations to me

for winning all this money on the Red Sock.

Socks making baseball exciting by gambling.

There's your lesson.

You are so adorable, and all you do is smile.

Huh?

Happy baby.

I'm so happy.

Been in a good mood all day.

Look at you.

She's getting getting mobile, everybody.

And anything that she sees, she wants to get her hands on.

Then she gets her hands on, and then she wants to go to something else.

And I'm going to tell you something right now.

Nobody can flip over faster than this one.

By the way, shout out to Ric Flair.

Hope he's doing better.

I heard that he's recovering.

And I'm looking forward to seeing him doing the flair chop, the flare strut, the flare flop.

All of it.

Absolute legend.

We already lost one of the funniest guys of all time, Jerry Lewis.

Two of them.

Yep, Dick Gregory.

Do you realize how many stories went with those two guys just today?

Yeah.

And forget about Don Rickles.

That just closes a porthole to like Sinatra, the whole rat pack,

Red Fox, Richard Pryor, all of that.

That porthole just closed.

So I hope somebody made a documentary.

All right, that's the podcast, everybody.

Oh, did I tell you about my dad saved today on the couch?

She was about ready to face plant right off and I just like lightning quick near lightning quick like a freckled pasty cobra.

I was able to grab her.

All right that's it.

She's trying to she's going for the mixer here.

All right you guys I will I'll check in on you on Thursday.

So nice kids here.

All right see you

all right

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