Crosswalks, Weighted Vests, Back-Up Noises | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-28-25

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Byrne.

It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

And I'm just checking in on you.

Ooh,

what's going on?

Hawaii!

Jesus Christ, I'm sitting here in a fucking parking garage

doing my podcast here.

Fucking my temper is back,

but I'm aware of it.

And I'm trying to do what I need to do to get it back down.

You know, so I don't go full

fucking me again.

You know?

So I'll give you an example.

I went out to breakfast with my lovely wife this morning.

So

we're waiting in the crosswalk and there's these two ladies in front of us.

So

we get into the, you know, the people stop and we get in the crosswalk and we're walking behind them and they're just lollygagging, shooting the shit.

And it's just,

I've been that person in the in the car.

It's like when you fuck, when you're in a crosswalk and somebody stops their fucking car, and they're nice enough not to kill you, what you need to do is get from point A to fucking point B in a

safe, quick manner.

Okay, I get it.

You have a cane, you can take a while, all right?

But if you are a healthy human being, shut the fuck up and cross the fucking street.

you know what I mean

they just they're just sitting there just like at fucking

Sunday stroll across the street shooting the shit and I'm fucking behind them with my wife and I know that I'm not the only person that gets annoyed with that shit and now it's like you're dragging me in to your lollygagging it's like you know you ever go to a fucking restaurant with somebody and they start bitching about the food you know and it's like bro they're making my food too like i'm with you like they're gonna spit on my stuff too that was like the crosswalk version version it's like if you fucking ladies don't pick up the fucking pace and not act like you're running the country

you don't know what these people are going through that are sitting there

in their cars

what if they get fucking mad and they just fuck like today's the day they finally snap and they can't handle one more pair of yoga pants it's fucking you know what what are they how many people who wear yoga pants actually are on their way or coming from a fucking yoga class

Just walking around with your clam outline for whatever fucking reason.

It's like reverse MC hammer pants, and you're sitting there just shooting the breeze like these people waiting have all the fucking time in the world.

And then I'm behind you.

So by the time they hit the fucking gas to run you over,

you know, I'm in front of their car.

Or here's something else.

Maybe I built that whole fucking scenario up in my head and projected that all onto the people in the cars.

Maybe they didn't care.

You know?

Maybe they, you know,

they ate a fucking, they ate some corporate weed.

I love this whole thing that weed is legal.

It's not weed anymore.

It's fucking...

It's weed infused with corporations' greed.

That's the worst thing that's ever going to happen to mushrooms.

The day mushrooms become legal.

What these fucking soulless CEO cunts are going to do to one of the only thing there's just natural healing powers of mushrooms they're going to destroy it they're going to genetically alter it and they're going to take control of it and they're going to fucking ruin it and you know what we're going to do we're going to go down to home depot and deport somebody who's trying to build you a back porch

you know for like no fucking money That's what we're gonna that that's that's where we're starting you want to fix this country.

Let's let's not get to the people who are poisoning your fucking children with the food supply.

No, no, it's that's okay because they're white.

That doesn't count.

You can literally commit a terrorist fucking act poisoning the food supply of your own fucking people, and that is fine.

But God forbid you snuck into the country, you know, with a fucking, you know, a toolbox,

you know, and you want to fix somebody's fucking fender.

Anyway,

that's how you fix the problem.

You know, a tornado comes in and knocks down your house, what's the first thing you do?

You go out and you buy a new toaster.

We'll deal with the house later.

Our biggest problem is we don't have a fucking toaster right now.

Anyway, I did a show last night.

Did not go well.

I was just off.

I wasn't vibing with the crowd.

And

it was at least 87% my

problem.

But

I did get a couple of new ones out.

Oh my god, I had one of the fucking darkest jokes.

I've written two of those this year, and I just quit after a while.

There's always a couple of really damaged people in the crowd howling, laughing at it, and everybody else is like, ooh,

oh,

I'm sorry that happened to you, or whatever the fuck it is.

But anyway, I saw some some some buddies of mine last night, so that was cool.

And now I just have to, I gotta, I gotta go to the gym, I gotta get whatever, whatever the fuck it is that's making me annoyed with people

the way

they use a crosswalk.

So I drove over to my gym right after

after the lollygaggers.

And this fucking guy walks in front of my truck.

You know, I came up fast.

I was coming in hot, not gonna lie to you.

You know,

put on the brakes a little harder than I had to, because I had to stop.

And I let the guy go.

And he looks at me.

And then he gets in front of my truck, and he looks at me again.

And then he gets past my truck, and he looks at me again.

And I'm just like, what the fuck are you looking at?

Like, what the fuck are you looking at?

Like,

the fuck are you looking at?

Like, how fucking hard is it to just cross the fucking street?

You saw how fast I came.

I'm in a hurry for no fucking reason, but at least respect that.

Three looks.

Fucking three looks.

Just look, what the fuck are you looking at?

Um,

this is where I am.

This is why I should not have two cups of coffee before 10 a.m.

I am flying.

Um,

y'all I know I know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna get on the elliptical and I love the elliptical I've always loved the elliptical it was love at first sight it's running without fucking damaging your knees it's just wearing out your hips that's all you know let's let's change the joint you know that I'm wearing out so and now there's all this new information out there about like

you know, if you get it on elliptical because of the heart rate, you're actually burning muscle.

All this bullshit, right?

So now they're they're telling people what do you need to do you need to get on a fucking treadmill and walk at a slight incline

so what all these cunts do they walk away from the elliptical okay and i've always been a big fan of your dance with hoop run you right and they all walked away because all of a sudden the treadmill the treadmill's the hot chick at the fucking gym now so now all the cunts go over to the fucking treadmill Can't get a fucking treadmill.

You used to not be able to get an elliptical.

Now the elliptical's sitting there like, you know,

like yesterday's news.

You know?

Like a bald ginger on prom night, just sitting there home alone.

Home alone.

Right?

But I love it, you know, because I fucking, I show up to the gym.

Okay?

Dressed like Rocky Balboa.

I go gray sweatpants and white t-shirt.

That's what I do.

I'm not going to come in there dressed like a fucking X-Man.

You know, I'll tell you another big thing that's come back, the weighted vest.

A lot of people out here have weighted vests in lieu of actually having a child.

Instead of walking around carrying a child, they don't want that responsibility, but they want the cardio of having a kid.

So they just put a weighted vest on themselves and then they go for a fucking walk.

And, you know, with the overpopulation of the world, I gotta tell you, I respect that.

You know?

Ask not what a child can do for you.

Ask how much a weighted vest is.

Weighted vest.

Like, how many pounds do you need to put in there before you can fucking eat donuts?

Just lay off the donuts.

Fucking walking around.

Why don't you just get a fucking chimpanzee and put it on your fucking back, you dumb cunt?

I am in a fucking mood.

I'm sorry, people.

This has nothing.

This has nothing to do with any of these people.

Like, who gets mad because somebody's wearing a weighted vest?

I will, I, I, you know, out of out of the bullshit I bitched about, I do stand behind looking at me three fucking times in the crosswalk

with your stupid inn ears, those dumb fucking white straw things that everybody had.

You feel better, Bill?

No, I don't.

All right, let's keep going.

What else is happening?

I was watching the

I'm a 57-year-old man sitting in a car alone in a parking lot doing a fucking podcast.

Oh, what's that guy?

He's got a nice motorcycle there.

Anyway,

is that the actual paint job or is that a wrap?

I was watching the Red Sox last night.

You know,

also playing with my kids, so I was kind of in and out with the game.

And all of a sudden they were were just focusing on this dog.

And I'm like, oh, wow, look at that.

Somebody brought a dog to the ball game.

You know,

it must be a service dog, or maybe somebody gets emotionally scared past the seventh inning, so they need the emotional support of a lopsa opsa, whatever the fuck you call it, lopsa, opso.

And it turned out it was a promotional night.

The Baltimore Orioles had bring your dog night.

And the only deal was like for every dog you brought, you had to buy a certain amount of tickets or something like that.

I've never seen a promotion like that in my life, and it made me really happy.

I haven't seen one of those since I was a kid.

They used to have like all of the, you know, they always stuck with the bobblehead.

The bobblehead.

And, you know.

I don't understand those things.

I don't understand why people collect bobbleheads and then why people go on eBay and then go and try to purchase vintage bobbleheads.

I don't know what it is, but people fucking love

bobbleheads.

Like if I was on Shark Tank,

if I was one of those heartless CEOs that likes to take advantage of up-and-coming talent and take control of their ideas and then fuck them out of money like they do on that show, if I was on that thing and somebody came in with a bobblehead,

I would look at that and be like, that has got to be the dumbest shit I've ever seen in my life.

That is right up there with like the pet rock and the hula hoop,

both which were successful.

The hula hoop, I have always maintained, is fucking stupid.

It's just something for people to,

I don't know what, to fucking do.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Now this fucking guy's staring at me.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Like,

what exactly?

I don't know why?

Because I'm doing a fucking podcast in a car.

Maybe that's what it is.

Oh, look at this poor bastard.

There's no parking spots left, buddy.

I hate to tell you there's none left.

I've been down there.

Turn around.

It ain't going to work out for you.

See that?

And that's my thing.

He's going to go all the way down there and have the LA experience.

LA is all about your car.

There's no public transportation.

They're starting to build it, but there's nothing out here.

All it is is about driving your fucking car.

And everywhere you go, you have to drive your car, and there's no parking spots.

And if they are, they're all for like compact cars.

And everybody, meanwhile, is driving these giant fucking fat SUVs.

So this poor cunt's going to go down there with his giant SUV.

There's going to be no place to park, and then he's going to come out.

And he's going to, you know, have to stop at the stop sign.

And, you know,

and then there's going to be two people with their pussy-lip yoga pants on

lollygagging in front of his car.

Just rolling the dice.

Rolling the dice that he's not going to run up and over those fucking yoga pants and your insides are going to squirt out your mouth like toothpaste.

Oh, Jesus, Bill, that was graphic.

Well, you know,

these SUVs are big.

I like that one.

Look at that one.

I like that silver.

Jesus Chris, is that a what is is that?

Is that a vulval?

Jesus Christ, buddy, learn how to fucking drive.

Do you know when I was on my way over here?

This is just Billy Bitch tits today.

I'm 100% like,

you know, I'm doing that thing where I own up to being an asshole, so then I feel like it gives me the right to be an asshole.

I always wondered who listened to that song.

I guess it's that person.

This is the person who has an 80% chance of having a tribal tattoo.

Listening to that.

Remember all that fucking late 90s

white guy music?

It wasn't rock.

It wasn't rap.

It wasn't grunge.

What was that music called?

Everybody had a number

in their band name.

That weird time.

Right around, I think when Carson Daly first started and like rap was taking over as mainstream.

And then you had like the rock rap.

And then you had these other bands.

They just were sort of like,

I don't know what they were.

Like I said, it wasn't rock.

It wasn't rap.

Okay, now I'm looking at the person.

I was 100% wrong.

No tribal, no tattoos.

Forget about no tribal tattoo.

Can you believe, can you believe that I was wrong again?

And he has a gay pride fucking t-shirt on.

Could not have been more wrong.

All right.

I mean, something I bitch about has to be right, right?

I always use this as a reference.

Remember that Mel Gibson conspiracy theory?

He was the cab driver, and he was fucking paranoid about everything, and, like, most of the shit he was wrong about, but, like, one of the things he was right about.

One of the things I'm bitching about.

Come on, Bill.

You know it all comes back to you and what a cunt you are.

All right.

All right, I'll give you that.

Anyway, Opalie Freckles is going to be doing some shows out here in L.A.

Sure you don't want to go see one after this fucking 15 minutes of bitching, but I got some shows coming up that I will be announcing probably this weekend.

I've gotten off social media.

Can't you tell?

It's really affected my mood in a positive way.

But fucking college football starts on Saturday.

I think LSU Clemson, are they playing Clemson?

I don't know.

Right out of the gate, LSU, I think they're ranked ninth in Clemson's three.

Is that right?

Is that what I saw?

I saw it really quickly.

I saw it really quickly.

And

my wife's hilarious.

They can just smell opening day of football.

They can just smell it.

She goes, hey, I have an idea for Saturday.

And I literally gave her a death stare.

And she's like, what?

I go, college football starts on Saturday.

And then she smiles at me she goes can you tape the game and I said no I can't

she goes all right and then I felt bad and I said all right I'll take the game but she hasn't brought it up again

so anyway

we got that going for us

oh I didn't even finish it so it was fucking bring your dog day I know I know two cups of coffee all over the place there was it was fucking bring a dog day

to the ballpark.

I mean, that's fucking amazing.

But the only thing that that would suck was then you'd have to deal with like animal lovers.

You know what I mean?

Like, when was the last time you met a cool animal lover?

Like, who doesn't love animals?

But then they just somehow, they just, they, I don't know what it is.

Like, I fucking love animals, but you know, I keep it to myself.

I don't stand there with a table.

And a fucking ribbon on my t-shirt and start yelling at people when they go by because I love animals.

It's just like, go love your animal.

Like, what is the problem?

Oh, I support this move.

I support this move.

Are you creating a parking spot?

Do it.

Do it.

Nice.

Look at this fucking guy.

Oh, that's fantastic.

That's right.

What is there?

A meter made down here?

Good for you.

There you go.

That's what makes this country great.

You don't have what you need, you just fucking make it.

There was no parking spot, and this guy guy just said oh yeah or maybe it's a lady i think that's a woman judging by that car

all right

gotta grab all my fucking ipads and iphones the door is opening and it is

oh my god it's a man

i have not been right about a fucking thing today

Cargo shorts.

I mean, I could not have been...

This is why I never got into law enforcement.

You know?

Like, you ever see those things where they have like the pieces of yarn, you know, stringing from this guy to that guy.

They're like trying to catch a fucking serial killer.

Trying to like find a trend.

I would just be sitting there as quiet as I was in like geometry class.

Like, I

yeah, I got, I got nothing.

I

be cheating off other people's fucking papers.

All right, let me read some advertisement here for the week.

Oh, a Tesla's backing up.

Can you hear it?

A bunch of people sat in a boardroom and they made a choice.

They had to make a decision on the noise the car would make.

at the Tesla factory when it backs up.

You know the first one was beep beep beep beep,

and they were all like, Oh, it's like so played out.

Come on, you know, one of the things, you know,

we're supposed to be disruptors.

All right, what if it went?

I, you know, I don't think that's the noise, but I like that little statico thing you're doing that

you know, and maybe it was bring a dog day, bring a dog to work day at Tesla,

And some dog wanted to go outside

or something like that.

And they thought, that's the fucking sound.

That's the sound.

Do you drink ketamine?

How does that work?

That just sounds like some cold brew.

It's like heroin meets cold brew.

Is that what ketamine is?

You know what?

You're welcome for this fucking podcast.

This podcast has to be making you feel better about yourself, you know?

As much as you woke up today thinking you're fucked up, come on.

I had to make you feel a little bit better, right?

Anyway,

I gotta have a good fucking, I have a good baseball promotion.

How about you have like, can you have like cigar day?

Like if you sit out in the bleachers, you can smoking day,

you know,

and they just have like some sort of like

take Yankees Stadium, you know, where of course, like, they've always had pussy ballparks, the Yankees, like they're such fucking pussies, like, they always like build a ballpark that's always like, you know, they build it around a player.

Like, Babe Ruth, really, you know, hits a lot of home runs to fucking right field.

All right, well, let's make a fence that's as high as somebody's the back of their knees,

right?

They've always been doing shit like that.

So now they have that wiffle ballpark that they they play in.

So obviously the wind blows out.

So why can't you just have all the cigar smokers in a ballpark like that, you know?

Just, you know,

sitting out there.

Do you know why they built the ballpark like that?

I think that they feel like the home run record is theirs.

And they knew that, you know,

they needed to get the home run record back from Mark Maguire, Sammy Sosa, and fucking Barry Bonds.

So I think they built a ballpark for a Yankee to play in, you know, 81 games out of the year to play in a fucking whiffle ballpark.

Yes, that is a Honda with a high-performance exhaust on it.

I don't know if you could hear, did you hear the fucking performance of that thing?

I don't know about you guys, but I was impressed.

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All right, all right, back to the fucking podcast.

Um,

yes, you could have like fucking

Cigar Day.

You know,

can somebody just, what if they had like dog and cigar day?

You can bring your dog to a fucking game, you could smoke a stick, and you could enjoy yourself,

you know.

How come you can't do that?

You know why?

Because they want to make a ton of money and they want families to go there.

That's what it is.

That's why you can't be drunk anymore.

It's kind of a weird thing.

Like,

how much you have to fucking

like you can't indulge in any vice.

But like the crowd behavior is like, I don't know.

I find it to be worse.

But I'm also out in California, which I think has the worst sports fans as far as behavior in the country.

I don't know why they always go to Philly.

I'm telling you, out here on the West Coast, it like shit can happen and you're dead.

Like you could potentially die at a fucking game.

Get stabbed, get booted in the head until you fucking, and it's just fucking, and all they do is, hey, Philly, they threw snowballs at Santa Claus, you know.

I'm not trying to escalate what Philly's doing, but I'm just saying I would rather get yelled at by Philly fans than fucking,

you know, be out here at a preseason football game and get fucking stabbed.

I mean, it's just, it's insane.

It is fucking insane.

Anywho,

what what I'm really trying to say is I'm looking forward to getting on the elliptical today.

Listening to my muzak.

What am I listening to these days?

You want to hear what my cardio?

This is my cardio.

This is my cardio.

You know, when Lakewood Chicks do the, my wife does it too, the get ready with me.

This is come on the elliptical

with the fucking 80s, former 80s gym rat.

All right, this is it right here.

Misfit love, Queens of the Stone Age.

Feel-good hit of the summer, Queens of the Stone Age.

No one knows, Queens of the Stone Age.

Songs for the Dead, Queens of the Stone Age.

Alright?

Get that out of the way.

The Sarah Eyes, The Mars Volta, Vicarious Tool,

The Death and Resurrection Show, Killing Joke.

And then that's 42 minutes, and I'm fucking done.

Alright?

Killer drums throughout.

Aggressive music.

Every once in a while it comes down for a little reflective moment and then it goes right back to aggressive music.

That's how I do it.

That's how I keep my freckled tits from spilling down into my lap.

All right.

And I'm actually going to think about you guys at this point and actually end this podcast.

God bless you.

Somebody fucking sneezing over there.

He's got COVID-21.

You guys hear about that?

It's coming in from Korea.

I read it online.

It's got to be true.

All right.

That's it.

That's the podcast, everybody.

Enjoy the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Thummelis, followed by a bonus episode the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

And that's it.

Have a great weekend, you cuts up.

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday,

what is it, August 28th, 2017.

What's going on?

Hawaii!

What's up?

Sorry, that was obnoxious.

I understand.

I understand, but I got to make the ladies shut it off first, right?

Oh my god, who is this guy yelling?

Why would you want to listen to that when

you could just sit and watch reality television with myself?

Listen to a bunch of broads fucking yelling at each other.

It's unreal.

It's unreal.

My wife watches that shit all the time.

All the fucking time.

You come home and it's just like, it's like they live with us.

You know what I mean?

Me and my wife, we get along great, you know, but you wouldn't know it.

Walking up the fucking front walk to the house, you hear like five women screaming at each other.

You know?

It's just like, well, are we hosting the Jerry Springer show?

What's going on?

You open the door and she's watching the real housewives of who gives a fuck?

The real housewives of Trenton.

the real housewives of Dayton Ohio wherever the hell they are

wherever they are whatever city they're in the real housewives they got fake tits they got big ass fucking they got ass injection lips they got the fucking Botox

it's unbelievable where they are

Real housewives Grand Rapids.

You're like, there's not going to be some Hollywood shit guy, and there it is.

Why is everybody walking around acting like there's some aging actress

you know what I mean and they somehow they have to look good for what what the fuck are you looking you're you're a 50 year old mom

just be a mom relax it's over you landed a guy he knocked you up all the laws are in your favor for god's sakes go have a fucking piece of pie and go smoke a camel i don't understand what the fuck these fucking spaghetti strapped women you know the stupid they're still wearing the tag tops you know what i mean

Jesus Christ, with the fucking tired skin showing, what are you doing?

Trying to compete with your daughter?

What are you doing?

Good, Lord.

Take a page out of my book.

Just fucking, just give into it.

Your hair starts falling out?

Fucking shave it.

Your legs are too white, put some pants on.

Your fucking gut's getting too big, start wearing sport coats on stage.

These are the this.

That's the classy way.

That's the classy way to just gracefully, you know,

go from being young into your middle-aged into just being old.

That's what you do.

Then you get an old man hat, right?

You start puttering around.

You make funny little jokes.

Everybody, laugh, look at him.

Look at that old guy still making jokes.

That's what you do.

You don't get chemicals shot into your fucking face, face, you know, and enhance your fucking tits.

Like, what are you trying to do?

Huh?

You're trying to give some 60-year-old a hard on?

I don't understand what these women are doing.

Hey, it was funny.

I didn't even want to talk about this shit.

I just, I don't know why that just came out.

It just did.

All right?

I had a wonderful show last night.

A wonderful show.

I was at the Cape Cod Melody Tent, if I could say it, which is

such a special place for me to do stand-up because the one and only time I ever saw the great George Carlin live was was at the Cape Cod Melody Tent.

And I am embarrassed to say I saw him in 1988 and me and this other guy went to go see him to laugh at him because my buddy had me convinced that he had stopped writing and that he was still doing 20 year old bits.

So we were going to go see him as a joke.

If you can, this is how fucking stupid I was.

One of the most prolific comedians of all fucking time.

So we show up to laugh at this guy and within two seconds we were just on the fucking floor laughing And the guy hit his brand new 90 fucking minutes.

And we were driving home, like, he wasn't doing more stuff.

He wasn't doing any fucking, like, that's how dumb I was.

I did a lot of dumb shit back then.

I went to some comedy shows, and I was literally the person in the crowd.

I wasn't heckling or anything.

You know what I mean?

Although one time I did heckle Don Rickles just because I wanted to have an interaction with him and I knew that I wasn't going to meet him.

You know?

I saw him at a casino about four years ago.

And

I waited till his encore.

And he came out in the encore and he was just doing his jokes, doing his jokes.

And I was way in the back.

He's playing this giant room.

I was way in the back.

And I just went, Donnie!

He didn't say anything, kept doing his jokes, kept doing his jokes.

I waited like another three minutes and I went, Donnie!

And he just looked out to where I was sitting.

He goes, Yeah, I know my name.

Made that fucking Rickles face.

And I was with Bartnick, and he fucking elbowed.

He goes, He heard you, he heard you.

And that was it.

You know, I broke a major rule of engagement there.

What the fuck is a stand-up comedian?

I shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't help myself.

I could have helped myself.

You know what?

Let's be honest.

Why don't we just be honest?

Okay?

Now that that stupid fucking fight is over, can we all just be honest with ourselves here?

I'm a selfish person.

And rather than accepting the fact that I wasn't going to get an interaction with them, I had to do that because I'm a selfish cunt.

Okay?

And, you know, now can we all be honest about what went on Saturday night?

I got to be honest with you, I have not even seen highlights of it.

I didn't fucking watch it.

I actually came home and was staying with some relatives here in Boston who also didn't get the fight because they're sane people.

They're like, yeah, it's just, you know, Floyd's going to carry him for a couple of rounds that he's going to finish him.

And then they're both, you know, they're not going to really fuck each other up.

They're both going to leave with a boatload of money.

Isn't that what's going on here?

Yeah.

Isn't there some guy, Alvarez, who's actually a fucking modern day champion or some shit like that coming up?

Well, we'll spend the money on that.

We'll spend the money on that fucking thing.

Whatever that boxing match.

I don't know shit about boxing, but I do know Lal Alzedo versus Muhammad Ali when I fucking see it.

So, I mean, a better version of it, I should say.

But, anyways,

we actually watched Wicked Tuna.

I have such mixed emotions when I watch those fishing shows, you know.

I got this love of animals, but I also love tuna, you know.

I'm an environmentalist who loves crab,

you know, king crab.

Who the fuck doesn't love that?

I mean, that's just fucking tremendous.

So, when they're sitting there talking about how it's all fished out and they can't find any and that type of stuff, you know,

it's not that we should stop crabbing, there should just be less fucking people that they have to find it for, you know.

So,

you know,

I don't know.

I always have all these fucking ideas of how to, you know,

trim down the population.

And of course, I'm never part of the problem, right?

As most mass murdering maniacs, you're never part of the problem.

Like Hitler, I'm sure when he looked in the window, the window, looked in the mirror, right, and was brushing his fucking teeth, right?

I'm sure that he saw a blonde-haired, blue-eyed person.

Instead of seeing what he truly was, which was the runt of the litter.

You know what I mean?

But the guy had heart and he fucking overcame what the fuck he looked like to achieve his dream.

You know, granted, he was out of his fucking mind.

But I mean, that alone should have just, he should have been, if he wasn't so crazy, he would have been, well, look at me.

I'm fucking ugly as shit and look what I've achieved.

You know?

What if somebody who looks like me actually had a good heart, imagine what they would achieve?

Isn't that what how fucking lunatic?

How much of a fucking lunatic is that guy?

They're like, you know, my my dream came true and I played the Cape Cod melody telling jokes.

His dream came true and fucking, you know, tens of millions of people died.

That was literally his dream.

You know?

Like, imagine if he never did his shit, right?

And he just lived a regular life.

And then all of a sudden, God forbid, well, I can't even say, God forbid it's him.

I just naturally say, God forbid when I talk about terminal disease.

Adolf Hitler, right?

Doesn't fucking, you know, somebody bought his paintings or some shit, right?

So he just doesn't go down that fucking road.

Now he's just, you know, some regular guy.

And then he has like, he gets some terminal illness and for some reason make a wishes back then.

And they go, what is your dream?

What is your wish?

And then he's,

and then he, really, you're going to make my wish come true?

This is what we do, Adolph.

We make sure you die with a smile on your face.

What is your dream?

And he would have laid there,

you know, telling the guy to come a little bit closer.

What do you want to do?

I want to exterminate all of the Jews.

That's what he would have said.

And what a fucking quagmire that make-a-wish would have been in, huh?

They would have had to have, they would have to, hey, hang on a second, they'd have to step out in the hall going, what do we do here?

I mean, you know,

we just kind of made a broad statement that we make dreams come true.

We didn't clarify it.

Like,

we want to stand out here long enough.

Maybe he'll fucking die of the disease.

I mean, our whole reputation's on the the line, right?

And then all of a sudden, Make-A-Wish gets dragged into it, gets dragged into the madness of this man.

And they're no longer looked upon as this wonderful organization that they are, right?

Which takes in millions and millions of dollars, right?

And God knows what the fuck they do.

Who knows?

You never know with those charities, right?

Are they helping people out?

Or are they helping themselves?

to a classic Camaro with some tea tubs.

When we return, we'll be taking some callers.

Sorry, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about today.

So, anyways, yeah, everybody thought I was going to cave.

I have not caved on two fronts.

I have not drank in 11 days, and I feel great.

This is it, dude.

I go 11 days, I could go a year.

I could go a fucking year.

I feel fucking fantastic.

And I just use the word fantastic.

I never fantastic.

You know, I'm doing cardio like I've always been doing, but I'm not negating it at night with the fucking three or four home porns over there with the giant ice cube.

And it's actually the sober life is fucking great.

It just sucks at night.

It's the only thing.

At night, it sucks at night.

You know?

Because it's like, what the fuck do I do?

I'm like, yeah, like I'm a habit guy.

So this is the time of night I fucking do this.

And then I'm not doing it.

I'm like, well, now what do I do?

What do I do?

So, you know what I did?

I started playing guitar again.

Anything, you know?

I suck.

What do you want?

I mean, just I go in there, I fucking play a little bit, and during that time, then it gets late, and then I literally feel my body just going, Come on, dude, go pour one.

Go over there, it's right over there.

Look at the bottle, dude, look at the bottle, it's right there, just pour yourself one.

And I just, all I have to do is just go downstairs to my bedroom.

And then the fact that I'm an old man takes over, like, ah, dude, I am not fucking going all the way back up there.

He's in a, he's in, even as I'm laying there,

you know,

I go downstairs, and my angel of a wife is laying in bed watching five women she doesn't know scream at each other and say horrible things.

You know?

They're really big on attacking, like if a woman's never had a child, they're really big on attacking that.

Oh man, they're fucking mean.

Just mean, goddamn fucking mean people.

You know?

As dumb as guys are, the way we solve shit with violence, I just think, you know, just punching somebody in the face is way more civil than saying, well, that's why you're barren and you can't have a child.

It's like, really?

Do me a favor, next time just punch me in the nose.

Wouldn't that just be, can we just, can we just leave it at that?

So there's something to salvage afterwards?

Jesus Christ.

It's funny, but now that I've gone 11 days, now it just starts to fade.

Like, I don't even, I walk by my, my fucking, I told you, 1927 Yankees lineup worth of fucking booze and I'm telling you like I don't even see it anymore

like you know I don't I don't I don't I get murderers row

murderers row the shit that I drink

you know and they're all I have the batting order you know what I mean top of the order right through cleanup is the top of the shelf top shelf shit

you know

That's your pappies.

I say, okay, here we go.

Let's go with booze.

What would your lineup be?

Who's hitting leadoff?

Who's getting on base?

Right?

Who's your fucking Ricky Henderson that's going to fucking possibly hit a solo shot?

And the next guys don't even have to knock him in.

You know what I'm going to say?

I'm going to go.

My Ricky Henderson is Johnny Walker Blue.

Okay?

Oh, this is going to be hard.

I got too many cleanup hitters.

Then I would say Baton second is Grant Patron.

All right?

I'm not a big tequila guy, so I'm not getting into that fucking agave shit, whatever the fuck they put in it.

Then I would say,

oh, this is a hard one.

I would say maybe some Pappy Van Winkles is going third.

Then Baton Cleanup, in my world,

I would say, is

McCallum Rare Cask.

Right?

Now we're getting to the middle of the order.

This is,

you know,

it's not a special occasion.

I just want to get fucked up.

All right?

These are the guys hitting 270, 280.

Then you get in the middle order.

You got Johnny Walker Black is batting fifth.

I'd say, no, fifth is Patron Silver.

Johnny Walker Black.

Is batting sixth, batting seventh,

eighth, and ninth.

Now you're talking companies coming over.

You like these people, but they don't like, appreciate good booze.

So you're just going to hit them with some basic shit, right?

That's when you have to go.

Maker's Mark,

Jack Daniels,

batting ninth.

Batting ninth.

If someone wants to mix it, I'll give you this is the fuck.

This is this is the National League when the pitcher bats Johnny Walker red label.

There you go, that's my lineup.

Hey, you know what?

Send me in your booze lineups.

Probably should have had a,

I could do the beer one.

Leadoff's got to be Budweiser.

You know, that thing's getting on fucking base, right?

Batting second, I would have Miller high life.

Batting third.

No, no, I'm going going to be a fucking.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Lead off Coors Light.

No, but if we're doing best beer all the way down, no, no, no.

What am I doing here?

What am I doing here?

All right.

I am white trash when it comes to beer.

Okay?

The fanciest, I mean, I'll go, I would say,

I go Budweiser, then Miller,

High Life.

Then I'd say

bat and third, bet and third in beer.

That's a tough one.

You start wanting people clear the bases a little bit.

I'll go a little snobby and I will say blue moon.

I don't mind the orange slice.

I don't mind it.

Like if I'm just fucking thirsty, I'll have one of those.

Bat and clean up is Guinness.

All right?

Then I'd have a black and tan fifth,

sixth, now you just get, now you want to get fucked up, right?

But you don't want to get your fucking become a fat fuck.

So I would say Coors Light,

light beer for Miller.

Now eight and nine.

Eight and nine, this is for when some, you know, some older people are coming over with their kids and you just got to fuck, I don't know, for whatever fucking reason, you got to have an IPA

and one of those others, like a Sierra, Nevada.

or some shit.

I would, something like that.

I don't drink, but I mean, I'd I'd leave that alone.

Isn't this the stupidest conversation?

I'm literally fucking sober, and I'm making booze batting lineups.

All right, if you're a beer drinker or if you're a hard liquor, you know, I want to hear your lineups, okay?

Let's get ready, man.

The fucking pennant races are heating up.

All right?

I want to see what your lineups are.

You come walking up to the bar with your little, pulling your fucking lineup card out of your back pocket.

By the way, that blue moon is signed to like a one-year contract.

You know, you know, you just pick up a fucking big bat at the end of the fucking season.

Like,

you know, he's not a true Red Sock.

All right, so, anyways,

by the way, somebody tweeted at me that stupid company out there in fucking Wisconsin

microchipping their fucking employees, and these fucking idiots are doing it.

And you know, and I was like, why would they do that?

And then all you have to do is look at their faces.

And you look at them, they have this childlike innocence.

They're believers.

That's all it is.

They grew up in a great state of Wisconsin where you're sheltered.

All right?

You're in the Midwest.

You're in the heart of the country.

That fat fucking weasel in North Korea, his missiles, even if it makes it that far, he's not shooting at a Wisconsin.

All right?

The Green Bay Packers, they're like owned by the fans.

It's fucking, everybody's making cheese.

It's Mayberry.

Have you ever been to Wisconsin?

It's fucking tremendous.

The air is fresh.

The water is fucking clean.

At least it looks that way when I drive by at 80 miles an hour on the way to some godforsaken fucking place I'm gonna perform at

right

It's tremendous fuck these people they believe

right

They all ordered the fight

They think he's gonna make it great again.

They just they believe you know why because they're fucking good people out there

so they walk into the work they hey guys this is the new thing and they and they sit there looking gee I don't know this seems a little bit creepy right but how did they get him

and how do you get how do you get the general masses how do you get them all right

There's two ways to get the general masses.

Fear and free t-shirts.

One or the other.

You scare the shit out of them.

them, they're fucking on board.

You tell them the boogeyman's under their bed, whatever the fuck you tell them they need to do, they're going to fucking do it.

If you don't want to fucking waste your time coming up some fucking boogeyman story, just make a free fucking t-shirt.

And that's what they did in Wisconsin.

They had these fucking t-shirts that said, I got chipped.

And that was it.

That was the tipping point.

Wait a minute.

If I put that foreign object in me that I have no idea what it is, no idea what its capabilities are, no idea what it really does other than what you tell me, you evil cunt, you'll give me that free t-shirt.

And you know, they got on the extra soft ones.

Oh my god, dude.

I tell you right now,

my favorite go-to t-shirt is my I Got Chipped.

It's so soft.

You know, and as much as I'm making fun of them, I see the writing on the wall because there's way more people, there's way more believers out there.

You know, believing in the invisible lines, believing in the teams, believing in all that fucking bullshit, right?

Believing that they're evil, but these people are saints or vice versa, right?

These people are evil.

They do it all over the world.

God loves us best.

These people are infidels.

These people are fucking this.

These people are fucking that.

It's the thing is, the common thread with human beings is that there's fucking lunatics at the top.

okay?

And then you have nice people at the bottom, you know, Wisconsin people.

People give their shirt off your fucking back, you know, provided you're not too tanned.

Let's not overly romanticize these white people.

At the end of the day, they are white people.

Okay?

And I'm not shitting on my own people.

We're just in a position, it's a society where, you know, nobody's watching us.

So we get to go full fucking, you know, full fucking frontal nudity with their fucking brains.

There's nobody in our way, right?

That's why we go fucking crazy.

You need some sort of hand on.

Maybe that's what the microchip is for.

I have no idea.

I just know at the end of the fucking trail, who is it?

Think of some of the people that run shit.

Look at Bill Clinton.

The man could not keep his dick in his pants.

He's shoving cigars up women's vaginas half his fucking age.

That fucking guy, that's one of the guys running shit or someone of his fucking ilk.

He's going to let that guy put a fucking microchip.

Well, do I get a free t-shirt?

Yes, you do, Skippy.

All right, I'm in.

And that's it.

And this is the thing.

They don't need thinking people to buy in.

All they need is the free t-shirt people.

And the free t-shirt people, you get enough of them.

It becomes a tipping point.

And then they can start changing.

You know what I mean?

It's like the toll booths, right?

Everybody easy pass.

I'm not getting that.

You're not going to fucking track where I'm going.

All right?

And there was just one easy pass lane, 10 fucking lanes where you threw your change in or fucking went to a guy, right?

And then it became eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

Go fuck yourself.

Well, you don't have to.

You can use the fucking surface roads.

You don't have to use the highways, but your taxes did pay for them.

Then you're like, fuck.

That's what happens.

And they'll get all of us.

But you know what?

You know what I love about life, though?

They can never stop you from drinking yourself to death.

And that's one to grow on.

All right, with that, let's.

I'm sorry, that got really fucking dark.

All right, what are we doing here?

Live reads.

Okay, I'm reading off my phone here because I have no internet where I'm at right now.

I'm going to have to go drive down to a fucking coffee shop.

You know, there's nothing in a coffee shop that I want other than their internet.

You know, I don't drink coffee.

Your little pastries are, they're like eating a fucking bathroom tile.

They're always fucking...

They just suck.

Everything in Starbucks fucking sucks.

I don't have the coffee.

I know the coffee's their heroin.

All right?

But you ever go into a bodega that's really selling fucking drugs?

You know what I mean?

You know how like old this cereal is?

That's like what fucking

like Starbucks is.

It's like a drug dealing bodega.

You know what I mean?

Like the only thing that that that is good in there that is that is not past its fucking date of freshness is the fucking drugs that they're selling.

And with Starbucks, it's the coffee.

Everything else in there sucks.

That's why you got to love Dunkin' Donuts.

You know?

Their coffee evidently is out of this fucking world, but they also make these great donuts.

There you go.

Oh, thank God it's fucking over.

Thank God it's fucking over.

Ah, Jesus Christ.

You know, one thing I do like about technology, I like DocuSign.

I really enjoy that shit.

Makes it nice and fucking easy.

Oh, by the way, I have to hype this gig because

they don't do a lot of stand-up at this venue.

Now, at this point, if you listen to the podcast for a while now, you realize realize that, you know,

as much as old Freckles goes on stage telling jokes, he's actually a frustrated musician.

You know,

I wish I was good at guitar.

I wish I was good at drums.

I have a tremendous amount of respect for musicians.

Speaking of which, Queens of the Stone Age, one of my favorite bands of all time, put out their brand new album this week.

I'm going to be listening to it, and I'll give you my own review of it on Thursday.

Just kidding.

I fucking hate when people do that.

Like I'm supposed to listen to you.

Who the fuck are you?

You know?

Fucking listen to you.

I'll listen to it myself and make up my own mind.

How about that?

How about that?

All right there, YouTube person?

YouTube person.

Anyways, I'm going to be on November 2nd.

I'm going to be in Clear Lake, Iowa at the Surf Ballroom.

You know, the Surf Ballroom is the, that's the last place Buddy Hawley, the Big Barper, Richie Valence, all of those guys played.

Wayland Jennings was there that night and he went on the bus and everything.

Just being a music fan, I don't know.

It's slightly morbid to play there, but I'm going to play there.

And I'm flying in.

I'm landing at the fucking airport they took off from.

Everybody's like, dude, aren't you fucking nervous?

They crashed because there was no de-icing technology back then.

They had too much weight on their wings, which changed the shape of the airfoil.

They were overweight.

They couldn't fucking produce enough lift.

They crashed and they died.

That's not going to happen in 2017.

So I'm going to be there.

Won't happen to me, won't happen to you.

If you want to check out this legendary venue,

November 2nd, Clear Lake, Iowa Surf Ballroom.

I'm going to be there with Dean Delray,

who was actually born the same day that they all died.

Not the same year, but the same day.

So it's going to be a tremendously freaky fucking night.

I got a brand new hour, and last night it could not have gone better.

And I left out half of my fucking jokes.

I was having so much fun

down at the Cape Cod Melody Detent.

So please get your tickets.

November 2nd, Clear Lake, Iowa, the Surf Ballroom.

And I will be tweeting out and Facebooking out a a link because I am an old man.

I'm not on Photoshop.

I'm not on Instagram.

It's not Photoshop.

What's the other one?

There's Instagram and then there's the other one.

Snapchat.

I need to get on those, right?

Is that what I need to do?

By the way, I'm thinking of putting together a college tour.

A tour of colleges in the beginning of next year

to help promote F is for Family.

and bringing a bunch of swag

to,

you know, free merchandise, free Effers for family merchandise.

This is what I want to do.

If I get enough interest from certain schools, especially the University of Kansas, when the Jayhawks have a home basketball game so I can go to that legendary arena, that would be tremendous.

Do you understand what I'm saying here?

I was actually thinking of doing that once a year, right?

In every like,

you know, college fucking

division, you know, like one year I'll do a Big Ten fucking efforts for family tour.

I'll do an SEC one.

I'll do a Pac-12, whatever the fuck they're called now.

The WAC,

right?

Do something like that.

I don't know.

I'm always thinking of fucking ideas like that shit, but just to help promote it.

And

because that's my fucking job.

I got to sell the goddamn shovel.

Don't get mad at me, all right?

All right, 37 minutes in.

Here we go.

Here we go.

All right.

Let's

read some of your questions here for this week.

The 90s.

Dear Billy Temple Pilot, I'm feeling a bit nostalgic for the 90s.

I was 12 in 1990.

I'm 10 years older than you, you bastard.

And had no stress or responsibilities.

I get how that influences this, but it was a good time.

I'm happy with technology now and our society is more conscious of social issues, but everything is so loud now.

Do you ever get nostalgic for the 90s?

If so, what part of the 90s?

Can you have your podcast guy use the friends theme song for the Thursday podcast?

That's a question mark there.

Or anything awesome from the 90s?

Thanks for reading this.

If you do, life is pretty boring these days.

And if I could use something

to brighten my day as a pet store manager.

All right, sir.

Here's what's happening to you.

is you're slipping into your life and you don't like what's going on.

So rather than fixing the now, you're going back in time.

That's not, I mean, mean, that's a temporary fix.

Okay?

If you don't want to manage a pet store, ask yourself what you really want to do and start slowly walking towards that, taking a half a step, a quarter step every day.

And at one point, you're going to look up and, god damn it, there it is.

Just like Indiana Jones.

And then you grab it and all of a sudden a giant ball starts rolling after you and you got to fucking run out of there.

And that's you after you make it, then trying to stay there.

All right?

But that's way more exciting than managing this pet store that, you know,

you're saying brighten your day as a pet store manager.

You one of these guys who actually doesn't like animals?

You probably don't like the people, right, coming in there or whatever.

I don't know what it is.

But I will answer your question.

My favorite part of the 90s

was the month before Nevermind came out.

And I was listening to the Skid Rose Slave to the Grind.

And I thought hair metal and all, not with the hair metal, but metal was never going to end.

Because that was like what you love was the end of my youth, because I was 22

in 1990.

So that was the end of the end of it for me.

So, like, think about 2000 for you.

You're getting out of college, all this new music's coming out, you're starting to not be able to, you know, the next few years, you can't keep up with it.

What the fuck are they listening to?

And then that's what happens.

And then you start driving around.

But I'm not going to lie to you, the shit that I still listen to,

you know, I try to listen to newer shit.

Like, you know, it's a new band to me, me, like Cold War Kids.

And I'm like, oh, yeah, I saw them, you know, recently they were on TV.

I'll download some of their stuff.

And I'm like, oh, I remember that song.

That fucking bow, bam, bow, bow, bam, that song.

That fucking tune.

The guy's singing way the really high voice, amazing voice.

And

I was looking at that.

It's like, that fucking album came out in 2006 or something.

So I'm way behind the curve, but I try to stay up on.

All right, you want to hear something embarrassing?

I'm going to fucking tell you all my latest, my latest downloads.

I downloaded Dreamweaver by Gary Wright, that album, tremendously, tremendously fucking

underrated album.

Alright, because everybody thinks of,

they think of that song, Woo Woo Woo, Dream Weaver, right?

And everybody laughs at that song, you know, they use it in these ironic hipster fucking ways.

I got gotta tell you, man, that fucking album is the shit.

And

there's obviously some poppy shit on there, but

all these years of me talking about loving to play drums and all this stuff, why did nobody tell me about Andy Newmark?

Jesus Christ, that guy's one of the best fucking drummers I've ever heard.

He plays on this album.

And, you know, you don't have to get it for fucking Dreamweaver or any of that shit, but like

Love is Alive,

the longest time.

I thought that sounded like Clapton to me singing or maybe like one of those Steve Winwood bands.

Just listen to how tasty the fucking drums are.

And I'll actually post a video this week of him fucking playing with like Rod Stewart and these guys just fucking wailing.

Alright, so I downloaded that, then I downloaded Cold War Kids, Robbers, and Cowards.

I'm downloading the new Queens of the Stone Age today.

And then here's, oh, Jesus.

Well, here's, in defense of me, I lost a lot of my music music when I dropped my last phone into the toilet.

It was actually in my back pocket.

And I stood up from taking a dump, right?

No, no, I didn't.

I didn't.

I was fucking hammered.

I remember this guy was saying there was something about standing up when you take a piss, some fucking health reason.

So I sat down like a lady, right?

And I had my phone in my back pocket.

When I stood up, it fucking fell into the toilet.

Fucking brutal.

Like I was going to go get that?

Nah, it ain't happening.

So I don't use the cloud and everything.

Just I lost everything.

So I downloaded ACDC.

If you want blood, you got it live.

ACDC for those about to rock.

ACDC high voltage.

Then I had to get my vintage Aerosmith in there.

I downloaded Get Your Wings, Rocks, Toys in the Attic.

Then I downloaded the new fucking Mute Math.

Well, I'm on waiting.

I'm still waiting for the rest of that album to come out.

The play dead.

I downloaded Glenn Campbell, Rhinestone Cowboy, because I've been singing that with the advertising like a Rhinestone ball bag.

Peter Frampton, Frampton Comes Alive.

Alt Jay's.

Alt Jay, this is all yours.

Marvin Gaye, Sexual Healing, downloaded.

What a fucking tremendous song that is.

The new Royal Blood album.

Anthony Hamilton.

Then I downloaded like three Prince albums.

No, two of them.

Sign of the Times and then

Dirty Mind.

The first Soundgarden album.

The Prince album for you.

Then a Dave Brubrech live at Carnegie Hall.

Then a bunch of Miles Davis.

That's what I've done in the last couple of months.

Steaming with Miles, working with Miles, roundabout midnight, relaxing with Miles, cooking with Miles.

And there you go.

That's what the fuck I've been downloading.

What else do I got here?

Wayne Shorter.

The Idiot King, Attention Deficit.

I think that's a.

Oh, that's What's His Face?

Tim Alexander on drums on that.

The Brown album.

Bad Motor Finger.

Temple of the Dog.

Oh, that was right when Chris Cornell died.

I had to get all that fucking music back on my phone.

John Coltrane, Sonny Rollins, Tesla.

Skid Row, there you go.

Marilyn Manson, Primus, Primus, Primus.

Animals Should Not Act Like People, Pork Soda, and Sailing the Seas of Cheese.

You know what?

DeRosa just sent me a new fucking,

their new, their latest fucking track.

It's the shit.

I absolutely loved it.

Primus has a new one coming out.

What the fuck is it called?

Let me see here.

Where is it?

Where is it?

Where is it?

In my phone, in my phone, in my phone.

All right, what do I have him underneath?

You know, everybody says Joe has no shoulders.

That's not true.

He lacks the meat that is between your neck and your shoulders.

Basically, his trapezes.

He was born without it.

All right, Primus, the seven.

Check that out this week.

All right, enough with this old man telling you the music that he likes.

Let's get back to your young people questions here, shall we?

So, yeah, when Grunge came in, I didn't like the first, like when Pearl Jam first came out, Nirvana first came out.

I didn't like those bands because they knocked all my bands off the top 10.

You know?

I was like, this isn't a good band.

What about Britney Fox?

What about Winger, man?

What about Warren?

And yeah, I listened.

I didn't necessarily buy all those albums, but I didn't think any of that was bad music.

I was young.

I didn't fucking know any better.

You know, at least those guys could fucking play under these cunts today with a fucking laptop and a goddamn Christmas tree in their head.

So it took me a long time to admit that Nirvana, Pearl Jam, were great bands, but like Soundgarden and fucking Allison Chains had like fucking that anger in there.

And just the sound of their lead singers, man.

I just, I really like their frontmen.

And

now, of course, you know, I love Pearl Jam, I love Nirvana and all that shit, but I was a bit of a baby when their music came out.

I was too young.

This is the first time I was seeing my music go away, so I wasn't mature enough to be like, you know what?

You know, I have to accept that, you know, my time has come and gone and that this is what the fucking music is now, and I should listen to it.

Took me a good 20 years to be able to do that.

All right.

Hey there, Billy Clinton.

Did you hear this yet?

The court ruled that the head of the Democratic National Convention, Debit Wasserman, that's her name, D-I-B-B-I-T,

Schultz, rigged the primaries against Bernie Sanders.

The court, what court?

So this woman, under the influence of Hillary Clinton's camp, tampered in the U.S.

election process, but none of the Democrats or celebrity do-writes are going to be outraged because they're sanctimonious asshats.

And for the record, I was a registered Democrat.

Stop fucking saying that.

If it's a fact, it's a fact.

I don't need to.

And I used to be a this, or I actually voted for Obama.

I don't give a fuck what you did.

If what you're saying is factual, I don't need to know what the fuck you did.

I was a registered Democrat until about 2010,

with the exception of Bush and Gerald Ford.

Anyways, the hypocrisy is just so insane to me to not be mad at this, especially as a Democrat.

I think you have to have clinical issues.

Yeah, well, I heard like Bernie Sanders was drawn a bunch of people and they just didn't even cover it.

All right, now, where does this coming from?

This is theobserver.com.

In June 2016, a class action suit was filed against the Democratic National Committee and the former Democratic National, oh, it's Debbie, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, for violating

the DNC charter by rigging the Democratic presidential primaries for Hillary Clinton against Bernie Sanders.

How hilarious would this be?

It's actually doubly sad if this is true.

Even former Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid admitted in July 2016, I knew, everybody knew that this was not a fair deal.

He added that Debbie Wasserman Schultz should have resigned much sooner than she did.

The lawsuit was filed to push the Democratic National Convention to admit their wrongdoing and provide Bernie Sanders supporters who supported him financially financially with millions of dollars in campaign contributions with restitutions for being cheated.

On August 25th, 2017, federal judge Williams Schleich, is this all true, dismissed the lawsuit after several months of litigation during which the Democratic National Convention's attorneys argued that the DNC would be well within their rights to rig primaries and select their own candidates.

That was their argument.

So they weren't denying it in evaluating plaintiffs' claims that this, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to send this to Jimmy Dore.

And I want him to, because he, he, you know, I'm too stupid to be able to debunk this or say that it's actually fucking true.

I want to know.

I want to know what love is.

I mean, this wouldn't surprise me.

You know what I mean?

I would actually love if this got some fucking attention.

Just to truly shut up all these fucking dopes in Hollywood.

You know, you know, back in the day, I mean, I guess I, I mean, I think that, I mean, who's Ken who?

I'm not trying to be the spokesperson for fucking Wesson Oil or whatever the fuck people are trying to do out there, but like, I try to like evenly trash everybody, and I'm totally into conspiracy theory.

Like, none of this is shocking to me.

You know,

I just think we're just inherently flawed.

I base that on myself.

As I fucking, you know, as I just fuck up all the time,

would just inherently flaw people.

All right, Jimmy Dore, there we go.

This is how dumb I am.

I'm going to send this to him, and I'm just going to text:

is this true?

You know, and he loves me enough to actually reply to this.

I know part of him is going to feel sad that I'm as dumb as I am

and that I have his phone number.

Yeah, I mean

none of that surprises me.

I mean it was you kind of felt that Bernie was getting boxed out and I guess maybe the Democratic National Committee does have the I guess does have the right to do it the same way the NFL had the right to suspend Tom Brady whether he did anything or not.

I mean when they took it to court they go yeah this is bullshit.

You don't have enough fucking evidence and they're like well we're a corporation right?

Does a corporation have a right to suspend its employee?

Yes, you do.

Well, Tom Brady's our employee.

Therefore, he's suspended.

That's kind of like what they did to Bernie Sanders.

And yes, I did just compare him to Tom Brady.

I think they have a lot in common.

Living in a retirement community at 33 years of age.

What's up, freckled ball bag?

A friend recently turned me on to your podcast.

It's hilarious.

Well, thank you.

Thank you for preventing me from killing myself on my one-hour commute to work.

Well, that's great.

I like to do what I can.

Although I am into population, maybe I should take a control, population control, maybe I should take a couple weeks off.

My wife, 28, and I, 33, finally had enough money to buy our first home.

Dude, you guys are crushing it.

So we purchased a nice little townhouse in Connecticut.

We didn't know at the time, but we were moving into a community that is potentially the evil offspring of a retirement village and the house of wax.

Oh, yeah.

Well, that's what happens when you buy your first house.

You're so excited.

You don't drive around.

You don't know the questions to ask.

now you know

are the people old as shit around here just out of curiosity is this a drug-filled neighborhood

is there any chemical fucking shit in the water what are the schools like you know all those questions you have to ask all right we are nice courteous people and so we think

or so we think he's uh so don't take the anger in this email out of context

well you had a little perspective that.

If you said we're nice, courtesy people, courteous people, but the fact that you actually have the intelligence to say, or so we think, understanding that there is another perspective in life other than your own.

We've helped some of our old-ass neighbors carry shit, you know, because they can't.

With the osteoporosis and everything, we wave and chat with them when walking our dog, and we even hold the charity beer pong tournament in New York City every year to raise money for MS, unrelated to our community, but shows we care, question mark, I guess, question mark.

Anywho, enough about us.

This past weekend, we had my brother and sister-in-law in town and invited another couple over on Saturday.

Say!

Sorry if I blew your eardrums out.

I tried to pull it away enough.

I don't think I took it away in time.

Sorry.

We went to hang out at school.

At our pool, sorry.

We took a float, snacks, a couple of beers, and a speaker.

There were five to seven other people at at the pool, all in their hundreds.

It did not look like the pool scene from Caddyshack.

We hung out, chatted, sipped a beer, and listened on low to Jack Johnson or some other mellow, soft shit.

Monday morning at 10 a.m., the entire community got this email.

Residents, it was reported to the board and the management that over this past weekend there were some owners and guests who behaved inappropriately, loud and shouting conversations, foul language, and may have partaken in alcoholic beverages prior to or while visiting the pool.

None of these things are acceptable

and are also violation of the pool rules of the old Fucks Court.

Obviously, you added that.

If said individuals were seen behaving in such a manner going forward, the police may be called and said individuals will not be permitted to use the facilities and may also be subject to a hearing in front of the board whereby fines may be imposed.

The pool facility is for the peaceful enjoyment of all residents, and we hope to keep it that way.

Thank you.

Signed, the old ass board of directors.

Jesus Christ, dude, what the?

You didn't realize you fucking

bought a house in a retirement community?

Says, first off, let me say I've had, I had nothing against the elderly.

I love my grandparents.

You don't have to stop establishing credibility.

You bought a fucking house

like the movie Cocoon, but if you jump in the pool, you're still fucking old.

I get it.

Anyways, I called it once a week.

I enjoy a quiet night on the couch with some scotch or an old-fashioned and shit.

I still use hotmail.

Yes,

we're a part of HOA and in rules

about alcoholic drinks.

At the pool, you can only have two guests per household.

Oh shit, we violated the covenant.

But this email from the board is still absurd, right?

No, it's not absurd.

You just didn't do your homework.

You didn't do your homework.

That's what happened.

You didn't do your homework.

Did I just fucking rip the spread here with that pen in the back pocket?

Laying on my mother's fucking quilt here.

Motherfucking am I here?

I got to go back to this here.

By the way, everybody thinks every sound on my podcast is a fart now because I hold this thing to my chest.

Any fucking sound that's made.

Dude, you fucking ripped ass last week.

I mean, maybe I did.

I don't think I'm, I don't feel that I am.

Maybe I am.

I don't know.

But it's, I'm in, I'm in my house.

You know, I have to fart.

I let it go.

You can't fucking smell it.

Deal with it.

No, dude, this is all on you.

This is just.

He said, but loud conversations, what?

Drinking alcoholic beverages prior to visiting the pool area.

Are you kidding me?

The police may be called.

Get an F in life, dude.

Dude, this is their life.

This is the end of their life.

And they want quiet.

Okay?

Half of them probably fought in fucking wars.

The last thing I need is you with your newfangled fucking Elvis music that is Jack Johnson to them.

Look, it, this is the deal.

You guys fucked up.

Okay?

You guys fucked up.

All right.

And this is part of buying your first house.

Okay?

I bought my first house back in 2011.

And you know what I was like wow, it's a great old house.

It has a lot of character You know you know what my fucking old people at the pool was galvanized pipes in the walls cloth wiring a gas leak Flashing when I turned on the lights to possibly ignite the gas underneath my fucking house

Wood rot termites

Non-permitted fucking building shit.

I just you fucking name it put a new roof on it The guy fucked up.

He didn't reattach the thing.

The water came through.

They blamed me.

I just said, fuck it.

I paid for it myself.

This is part of it, dude.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this.

I'm sure there's somebody else old that will buy your fucking house.

Other than that, I would just, you are in a communal area.

I would be quiet when you go down to the pool.

I mean, I try to look at the bright side.

At least nobody's going to be listening to loud fucking Benny Goodman music all the way into the the night because old people you know they fall asleep like nine times a day

so and even if you don't like your neighbor they're gonna die soon there's a lot of positive ways to look at this and you can also you can always sell so I would make the best of it you can always uber I would uber I would go out and go get fucking hammered and be loud in the young part of town and then come back just make sure you get some sort of electric car to cruise you up real quietly to your fucking front door.

I'm sorry you're going through that, but what you learned is you have to fucking check out your neighborhood before you

know, you got to read everything,

you know.

So that's the deal.

All right.

I hope it works out for you.

All right.

Oh, guess who just text me back?

This is why Jimmy Doerr is the shit.

Because I just read shit, and Jimmy gets to the bottom of it.

This is what Jimmy just sent me back.

Basically, yes, the judge left open the door for the lawyers to to re-file in a way that would be more successful.

The important thing in this case is that the lawsuit forced the DNC lawyer to admit in court that they don't have to run a fair primary and that they can pick and choose whomever they want and can ignore the voters.

They can ignore the voters' will if they choose to do so.

The WikiLeaks emails revealed that the DNC was colluding with the Clinton campaign and gave her an unfair advantage, which is why Wasserman Schultz resigned before the DNC convention last summer.

The judge dismissed the case, it appears to me, based on the fact the plaintiff did not have

standing to sue and the federal court did not have jurisdiction in this case.

I am interviewing the lawyer who filed this case today.

So hopefully, lots will be cleared up in that interview.

So there you go.

Search Jimmy Dore.

I'll send out a link to it.

That's a comedian.

That's an informed guy.

You hear how that thing was written?

You hear how eloquent that was?

I actually sounded smart while reading that.

Check that out.

Oh, man.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

All those women who cried over fucking Hillary Clinton, she's just as fucking filthy as this guy.

Can you believe this, Trump?

Can you fucking believe this Trump?

That's all you hear out in fucking Hollywood land where I live.

And it's just like, I want to, I hope it's true.

So I can be like, well, what do you think about that?

And watch them completely dismiss it the same way to go back to Tom Brady.

Well, I'll be, all right, so he lets the cunts hair wet the air out of a ball.

What about when you guys did this?

And the other people root and father.

Well, that was no fucking big deal because our team did it.

I fucking love it.

I love it.

Oh, Jesus Christ, do I love it?

Okay, boss racist?

Racist?

Racist?

Question mark.

Hey, Billy, booze bag.

Ah, Billy, no fun.

11 days, motherfucker.

Shut up.

I know you're not drinking.

Oh, he got me.

Look at that.

Anymore, it's all I could come up with.

All right.

Bill, recently our company at an event event where we give a tour to possible clients who will partner with us in the future.

During this event, our boss, who was outgoing and funny, was ironing white sheets and thought it would be funny to poke fun at the KKK by placing a white sheet over his head and saying black lives matter.

He immediately recognized the situation, took it off his head, and addressed the whole company the next day.

He apologized and made our counselors available to the company for whoever was affected and offended.

Jesus fucking Christ.

You You got to go through all of that.

I just love these people that are just so fucking, I don't know where the fuck they live that they feel like I can do this and they're not going to have a problem.

But then everybody's like so fucking hurt they need to be like counseled.

Aren't you just trying to get out of your job for a couple hours?

Just walk up to the guy and say you're a fucking asshole.

And then if you want the guy fired, just say that.

Someone's got to sit there and hold your hand.

The only problem was that he left out the Black Lives Matter part in the first meeting and simply said,

oh, wait a minute.

So now what are you saying?

Okay, wait a second.

The only problem was that he left out the Black

Lives Matter part in the first meeting and simply said he placed the sheet over his head, which is where the outrage came from.

You know, dude, that's one of the most important part.

information most important information in this fucking story and you left out some words here.

The only problem was that he left out the Black Lives Matter part in the first meeting and simply said he place

the sheet over his head, which is where

were, W-E-R-E, were the outrage came from.

What am I supposed to do with this?

In the council meeting with everyone, I couldn't help but notice only

white middle-aged women were trashing the guy.

They were crying, etc.

Not one minority in that room said they were affected.

It pissed me off because it was almost insulting to minorities watching this.

What if

there was actually a minority who was actually racially discriminated against and went to court and wasn't listened to?

Dude, I don't know what you're talking about right now.

I'm 90% sure these women were just looking for money.

It's not like our boss tried to hide or make excuses.

So the white women got offended?

What this is like a fucking beat sheet for a script that isn't written yet?

yet

What white middle-aged women were trashing the guy

They were crying, etc

That fucking sentence ended then he began a new paragraph with that and then starts talking about the minority women there.

I don't know what you're talking about here, sir

Okay, so okay, so you're asking me what okay, what are my opinions?

You think these women are just looking for an opportunity to

sue S-E-W?

So, for money?

Or do you think they actually believe these ladies were offended?

Thanks, Bill.

I don't know what you're talking about here, sir.

I have no idea.

I have no idea.

Am I making fun of white women for acting like they were offended and crying?

Because you think, I have no idea.

I don't know what, sir.

Proofread.

Okay, I'm not a good speller either, but you know, I do know where the spell check is, and I hit the button, and it erases all my

impurities.

All right, my fiancé isn't into fucking other men.

Okay, he says, I feel, or she said, I don't know what the fuck this is, what gender this is.

He said, I feel like this is a slightly different yet amusing take on relationship issues, and would love to hear your tackle.

You tackle this in a podcast.

Basically, I really like watching my girl fuck other men.

It's not a cuckhold thing because I'll fuck her right after, and it's always the best sex we ever ever have

right after

you don't have her shower first sir

right after okay hey you know I don't judge whatever you want to do if that's what you guys are in my issue is that our sex is already great and I'm well above average in size and stamina so it's hard for her to find another guy she's actually interested in.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

You started all the way to the left.

Now we're all the way way to the right.

Oh, wow.

This guy, this fucking guy here.

You know, I don't mind.

I don't mind her fucking other guys.

I can handle it because at the end of the day, my dick's so big, nobody can follow me.

Okay.

Now I'm judging the guy.

I don't know why I'm doing it.

This is just all over the fucking map.

I don't push the issue because I'm confident in my abilities, evidently.

So confident you got to fucking write an email about it.

And don't want her to have a bad time simply for my pleasure.

but I wanted to know your opinion on the subject

we have threesomes with other women god bless you and I can't even get into them

so I can't judge her I love her and our amazing sex has been a driving factor after almost four years yet there's something about fucking her after she's been with another man that is so hot to me I can't actually accurately explain it and she just doesn't seem into it because as she puts it I do it better.

Dude, this is one of the greatest emails.

I hope you, even if you just made this up, I would really appreciate your opinion on this weird kind of relationship where the issue for me is that I can't get off because the girl, as incredible as she is, is too perfect.

What?

Where the issue for me is that I can't get off because the girl,

as incredible as she is, is too perfect.

So

to make her not perfect is to have you watch her fuck another guy.

So, you got a giant dick and you enjoy it, and you kind of like want to show, like

that.

It's the only way I can look at it.

This is like you're like the head, like the best comedian in the fucking country, all right?

But there's still some level of insecurity you have that you have to go on on these these shows where the comics aren't at your level, and you have to go on last and you have to kill harder and kill longer than anybody else to prove that you are the best comedian in the country if not the world if not the universe right

is that what it is is it the fact that you know that you're nailing her better than these these other

guys they come out with their average dicks or their little fucking dicks and she's bored shitless

Do you make the other people watch?

You know what I mean?

Like you're helping out their golf swing.

You know, you keep lifting your head.

You got to fucking keep your head down as you follow through.

Dude, I don't know.

I don't have the problems you have, sir.

All right?

I am very followable.

I have no idea.

Dude, I have no idea.

That is like, I would send that into,

can you please go on Dr.

Phil?

Because I just want to watch him and see what goes on in his eyes when he listens to this story where he just goes like, so you need

to have another man have sex with your woman with a penile device that is smaller than yours in order for you to get off.

That's what you're saying.

And you know, Dr.

Phil's got some giant ex-cop dick, right?

You know, he's got some fucking huge Hogan.

That's what you do.

That's the end of the episode is you go in the back and you watch Dr.

Phil fuck your wife

with the sweat pouring off his fucking head and you're just sitting there relaxed and confident, right?

You'd be funny.

He probably wouldn't even get naked.

He'd just drop his pants down.

He'd still have his fucking wingtips on.

You know what he'd do to try to beat you?

He'd be in her ear and the fucking, you know, this dirty talk would be how much fucking money he's worth.

Huh?

You want to go to Oprah's tonight, huh?

You want to go?

Do you want to go to Oprah's tonight?

I can make it happen.

I'm sorry.

I know this is a fucked up podcast, but I didn't, I didn't, I wasn't the one that took it into that area.

All right, other people did.

That was really weird.

That was a really weird visual.

The whole thing was weird, and who knew?

Who the fuck knew?

Who the fuck knew that this podcast would start as innocently as it did talking about Hitler, getting his make-a-wish, and would end so fucked up with

whatever the fuck it is I was just describing.

Alright, that's the podcast, everybody.

Please download the new Queens of the Stone Age album.

Please buy some tickets to my show at the Surf Ballroom in

Clear Lake, Iowa.

It's going to be a fucking amazing night.

And what else?

What else?

What else?

What else?

I'll post those videos for you.

That's it.

And congratulations, everybody that rented the fight and enjoyed it.

I don't want to ruin your fucking time.

And I think that's it.

I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Go fuck yourselves.

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