The Internet, Football, Hard Drugs | Monday Morning Podcast 9-1-25

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday,

September 1st,

2025.

What's going on?

How are you?

How's it going?

Oh, I'm in a great

fucking mood.

It's September, baby.

It's Labor Day, baby.

The summer is over.

I'm sorry to all you people out there with with pigment, but I'll tell you right now, this is September 1st,

okay, for gingers and albino.

That's the beginning of our holiday season.

Oh, that's right.

The earth has been tilting the other way since the end of June.

I've been in a fucking lack of pigment chat room on Reddit.

When can we go back outside?

You know, the dog days of summer is not just in baseball.

It's also for ghost white people,

especially with global warming.

I'm telling you right now, all you non-white people out there, don't worry, we're going away

with global warming, which for the most part has been created by white corporations.

Ironically enough, what they're creating is going to,

if it doesn't make us go away, most of us will go away first.

You know, and then it'll be like because all you guys living down by the equator, you've been training for this.

You're ready for this.

My people have been hiding up in a mountain.

I want to shout it from the top of a mountain.

I'm just being silly here.

Someone's going to take that seriously.

This is some fucking woke meteorology

revisionist history stuff.

Somebody sent me something.

I know it was just rage bait, but it was this

Indian dude.

They have, for whatever reason, this stupid thing where they fucking have somebody,

you know, that debates, and then they have 20 fucking people sitting in a circle around the person that they don't agree with them.

And for some reason, they've added the musical chair element to it.

Like, he says, you know, I'm going to tell you right now, like, whatever, the one I watched, the Indian dude was like liberal, and then there was all these conservatives.

And he'll just say, I'll tell you right now, I think, you know, if you have a red tie on, you look like a fucking pussy, right?

And then,

or whatever.

That's not really a, I guess that is a statement, whatever.

You know, he'll say things like,

you know, the president is not tough on crime,

you know, just to get these conservatives frothing at the mouth.

So the second he finishes his question,

all these cunts that are sitting around got, they're going to scramble to the fucking chair.

And then they sit down, and most of them are kids.

So it's like a fucking 50-year-old debating.

I saw another one, it was a black woman,

she was conservative, and then there was a bunch of liberals.

And then she'd be like, Yeah, let me tell you this: if you know, you got hairy palm pits and hairy legs, you know, I don't want to hear your political opinion because you're a liberal douche.

And then they're just like, ah, they'll fucking run off to the

and then this full-grown adult basically tears a kid a new ass.

Like, I don't, it's just, it's so fucking stupid.

It's so stupid.

And nobody comes away going, like, wow, that guy made a good point.

They don't.

Everybody is locked in.

I will say, I did see this one angry conservative guy, and he goes, it's tribal now.

The gloves are off.

And it's just like, dude, have you considered getting off Facebook?

Have you considered like getting offline?

Have you considered not reading comment sections and just going for a fucking walk?

There's this thing a long time ago.

There was a radio play called War of the Worlds.

And for whatever fucking reason, maybe because media was young at the time, mass media, whatever, radio, whatever the proper term is, they didn't realize the power of it.

So they decided it would be funny if they just broke into their regular newscast and just said said that aliens had landed and they were starting to fuck shit up down here.

And people were listening.

People committed suicide.

And all they had to do, the big thing is all they had to do was turn the channel and they would hear that it wasn't on the other channel.

And they just absolutely lost their fucking mind.

I feel like the internet is the new war of the worlds.

Like, I'm telling you, I'm not saying the internet's not a fun place.

Internet is like hard drugs.

You know, you do it once,

once in a while.

I don't know what FET, how do you say it?

Is it fentanyl, fentanyl,

fetty,

fetty whack, whatever people call it?

Jimmy Mac, oh, Jimmy Mac,

whatever the fuck they call it.

Yeah, you can't do cocaine, but whatever, you know what I mean.

Like, if you did heroin once,

you could just get up and walk away.

Did it.

It was fucking amazing, right?

Like

going to Venice.

If you're lucky enough to do it, most people, you do it once.

And then for the rest of your life, oh, at least one time, oh, me and your your grandfather, oh, we went to Venice, oh, it was beautiful.

You know?

If you could do heroin just like once, you could do that as an old person.

I remember.

It was your grandmother's favorite spoon, and we were lighting it up.

And we were like,

are we going to do this?

And she said, 23 skidoo.

I will never forget it.

And no matter how bad it got in life,

no matter how much the chips were down, we always had that we knotted off on heroin that one time.

I loved you then, and I love you now, sweetheart.

I'll knot off with you anytime, but only once.

I feel like the internet's like that.

The internet is like

drugs.

You know, I feel like if you have the ability to do it every once in a blue moon, not a problem.

But if you're a user,

you know, a functional user of the internet, and I'm including myself in this, you are going to lose your fucking mind.

Dude, these people were saying, as white people were saying that they,

you know,

the guy was bringing up Native American.

He was, you know, making good points or whatever.

I'm not saying that either side was not making good points.

They were saying that

these white people were saying, my people, Caucasians, my peeps, my white A's were going on saying that they were fucking Native Americans.

He's like, I'm

nigga.

And then he's like, my family has been here since the 1500s, so I got a lot of skin in this game.

Oh, you're taking credit for what they did back then?

Like what?

Owning slaves and fucking participating in a genocide?

You cunt.

This fucking dude, if you would have thought he was holding the fucking tree that that wooden teeth douche fucking chopped down.

I got a lot of skin in this game.

We've been Americans for a long time.

Oh, so you're a Nepo baby fucking American, you cunt?

Anyway.

I really didn't like that guy because I could see what a fucking psychotemper he had and I really saw a lot of myself in him.

Anyway, and then on the the other side, there was this ridiculous argument that both sides were making.

When the conservative black woman was talking, she was saying that the sexual revolution actually made women less happy.

So they were both arguing either side, and they were just throwing out statistics and interrupting one another.

But no one was really getting to the main issue, that the sexual revolution had nothing to do with people's happiness or unhappiness.

It's the squeeze of corporations.

It's the shift of wealth going to like a handful of people and the elimination of the middle class is what fucking made people unhappy.

It has nothing to do with whether you're married to someone that stays home and makes pies or goes out and has a career.

All right?

When you work for these new super nerds, remember how there was models and all of a sudden there was super models.

Now you have super nerds like this fucking

ketamine Nazi Tesla guy,

you know, suing his own company so he can get on the creative, get created by credit.

Yeah, that's what's making people unhappy.

Which brings me to white vengeance movies.

Your Death Wish, Robert Forster and Vigilante, Michael Douglas and Falling Down.

Those movies are very educational.

Very educational.

As far as the way middle-class

Caucasians, we view the Matrix.

We view the Matrix that the problem is coming from the bottom rather than the top.

And that is the genius of the top.

Is what do they do?

It's them.

Look at them.

Look at them down there.

Look what they're doing.

All those sons of bitches.

I saw one of those conservative kids when he was trashing LA.

He said, you know, if you went to downtown L.A.

and stepped over all of those homeless people,

and he was blaming sort of California for that fucking problem.

Because as we all remember, California decided to have an illegal war on very flimsy intelligence that turned out to be completely incorrect, that bankrupted this country after we had a fucking surplus.

I think we all know at this point, it was California.

You know,

all the other 49 states said, uh-uh,

we do not have the thumbs up from the UN.

This is an illegal war.

We are not going in there.

And California said, hey, man,

shut the fuck up.

Yes, we are.

So that's what they do.

They have you blame non-white people.

They have you blame states.

They have you blame other countries,

other types of government, other rights.

It's none of that.

It's none of that.

You can sit there with your white shirt, your fucking psycho black rimmed glasses like I have and your fucking flat top

if you were lucky enough to not have male pattern baldness and you can look down all you want and across the sea and over a fucking wall and you can do anything you want to those fucking people.

You're still going to be in the same problem,

same fucking situation because of the cunts that look like you that are above you telling you who to look at because they don't give a fuck about you.

They don't.

And if you don't believe me, go work for them.

All right,

Billy Tree stop.

He's stepping down.

Now let's talk about bread and circus.

Let's talk about bread and circus.

Bread and circus, what'd you do this week?

Bread and circus.

Let's talk to the meek.

They shall inherit these stadiums that they have to pay for.

Let's talk about football.

NFL football, I believe, starts this Thursday.

Sorry.

Anyway, I was looking up last night when I was watching, I watched a lot of college football.

All right, and as a fan of the University of Michigan, I gotta tell you,

I can say

without question,

that Ohio State defense

is fucking amazing.

If I'm gonna judge them on one fucking week, they had

Archie Mannon Jr.

on the

Texas Longhorns had a great fucking

have a great defense too.

But

the fact that the halftime adjustments just led to more of the same, I know towards the end they scored a touchdown.

They made it look a little closer than it was.

Whenever you're playing against a great defense, when it's seven to nothing, it feels like it's 21 to nothing.

And you know me, I was rooting against Ohio State.

Okay, and it's really hard to do that because it's a state school.

And in the back of their heads, they know that they're a state school.

That's why they try to make it, that's why they try to act like they're the Harvard of state schools.

The

Ohio State University.

I heard actually this announcer said, world famous Ohio State University.

Now,

if you're fucking sitting there and you're in

your town and you're young and you haven't traveled yet and all you want to do is finger bang your fucking chick after you took her to Dairy Queen.

I'm sure that...

Bringing the hot sausage after the soft serve there.

I'm sure that that statement would make sense.

But I

am going to stand on my fucking lazy boy chair and I'm going to talk down to all you youngsters right now and say like I'm not fucking sitting in my hometown

driving a Dodge Dot with my first fucking girlfriend, wondering what the world is like.

I've told my shit jokes overseas.

And I will tell you this: I have never seen an Ohio State jersey, sweatshirt, or a fucking hat.

And this kills me as a fan of Boston sports to tell you this.

What I see the most is I see Yankee hats.

The New York Yankees are world famous.

Manchester United, it's starting to drop off, though.

But when I was growing up, you know, everybody over here, because none of us watch soccer, as we call it,

you know, that's just how we are over here.

Everybody else is on the metric system.

We're doing whatever the fuck.

I don't even know what our system is called.

Is it called fucked?

Because I think that's what it is.

That's the system we use.

Everybody else calls it football.

We call it soccer.

We come up with another sport.

We call that soccer.

We call that football.

Even confuses me.

Alright, but everybody over here,

if you knew anything about sports,

you knew Pele and you knew Man United.

They are fucking world famous.

Ohio State.

Okay, this is when you know your team is what you're in the fucking Budapest.

You see a fucking Yankee, and it's not a tourist either.

You know what I mean?

Tourists don't count.

Okay?

If you're some fat, wings and blue cheese-eating fucking Ohio State fan, you know, looking like a special teams coach that has one year left on his contract, and you go over to London, England wearing your Ohio State Buckeyes hat, that doesn't make that's just you traveling.

And you brought your wardrobe.

But I will tell you this: I've never, I haven't seen a Michigan hat either, okay?

Just to fucking make you relax and take the information in.

You are not world famous.

I want to do a YouTube on that debate and I'll sit there in a circle of fucking Ohio State fans and I'll tell you right now, do you know how long it's going to take those fat fucks to run from that circle over to that chair?

I just love the arrogance of it.

Here's my statement.

Now all of you scamper to have the privilege to argue with me.

I'm going to tell you this right now.

I was thinking of telling it to you later, but I've decided that I'm going to tell it to you right now.

And I'm going to to give it to you straight.

This is what, this, by the way, for younger people, this is when you know an older person is full of shit.

When they tell you that they're going to tell it to you straight, when they tell you that they tell it like it is,

and when they say, back in my day, okay, all three of those, the odds that

a fucking

whale story of a lie is coming your way is probably 86%.

Every once in a while, while, someone who says, I'm going to tell it like it is, actually tells it like it is.

But most of the time,

they're telling it how they think it is, which is how they want it to be, because they need to be right.

Because secretly,

in the back of their head, there's that voice they've never been able to shake that tells them they're not good enough.

Because they grew up with icy parents

that didn't show each other affection and ignored their children.

And then one day you go on Facebook or you go on Instagram or you go on the TikTok and you make a decision.

Am I going to learn how to do a dance to the law and order theme or am I going to join a white militia?

I mean, the internet is a wild place.

You can literally start your own army.

You can start your own boxing league and just say that you're the champion.

I mean, the internet is, it's a if you know how to use it, you can be wildly

successful.

You can tell dick and shit jokes

like me and travel the world, world, world, world, and not see one Ohio State

fucking baseball cap.

The Ohio State.

What else would I be confusing it with?

Is there another OSU?

I know there's a couple universities in Miami.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is: Ohio State University's fucking defense looked great.

Their quarterback looked great.

They looked, you know, that wasn't, you know, they didn't have a cupcake game.

They went up against the Texas Longhorns.

Fucking amazing.

So congratulations to them.

Big victory.

And then Texas, nothing to hang your heads about.

It looks like you played one of the top teams in the country.

Granted is the first week.

Looks like, you know, you guys are going to be all right, too.

You know, you don't learn anything from victories.

What you learn is when you fail.

I

missed a whole bunch of shots, but that is why.

I failed over and over again, and that is why I succeed.

Somebody told me something the other day about something that, you know, I can't bring that up.

Every once in a while I think about something.

Bill,

don't fucking say that.

Anyway, I'm just in a good mood because I have a remote hi-hat.

You know, it's the little thing.

I know, it's a stationary one.

It's right next to my real one.

And

I've been jamming, man.

Getting back into Pantera.

Playing some Primus.

Tim Alexander, one of my favorite drummers of all time.

Such a fucking groove guy.

To have a set that big and still be such a fucking groove guy.

I mean, that's just, that's just, it's just a bigger brain.

You know, and as a summer school kid, I've never had a problem genuflecting to people smarter than me.

So anyway, NFL football starts.

Let's see here.

Who's it going to be?

It's usually the defending Super Bowl champs who are

your Philadelphia Eagles.

You know,

they let them.

Oh, they let them play.

The refs put them whistles away and they let them play.

And guess what?

The Kansas City Chiefs were exactly who we thought they were.

Oh!

I swear to God,

I could watch the Eagles kicking the shit out of the Chiefs with Christmas music playing underneath it.

But but it up but

I don't think I ever felt so fucking validated watching a fucking Super Bowl.

I think when the Saints beat the Colts, I think that was the other one.

Just Just the glazing.

To see the glazing.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my Lord.

Anyway, plowing ahead here,

I also watched

the Miami Hurricanes versus Notre Dame.

That rivalry.

The holier than thou versus the what the fuck are you looking at?

They always have like a name for that, you know, Catholics versus convicts,

you know, and that gradually, you know,

with like a thousand fucking rape accusations, became pedos versus perps or something.

I don't know what they call it, okay?

But it's not the kids' fault.

All right?

It's not their fault.

Okay?

They fucking go out there and they play football and they entertain us.

All right?

They're not priests.

They're not in jail.

They're football players.

Anyway, an amazing fucking game.

Notre Dame, huge comeback.

And then how about that fucking kicker

of the Miami Hurricanes?

Hits a 47-yarder like he just fucking

fucking

like nothing.

I mean, it was just so like nothing.

I don't even have a sports metaphor for it.

He crushed the thing.

Plenty of leg.

The fucking net behind the the uprights almost tried to get out of the way.

That thing had so much leg.

The announcer was going, I would have been good from 60 yards.

Fucking pressure, cooker, kick.

The whole nation watching, and this kid goes up there and like a fucking champ

puts it right through the uprights.

You gotta love that.

There's nothing worse than a missed field goal,

you know, to lose the game.

I hate seeing that.

You know what I mean?

There's a lot of people that like seeing it.

They like seeing failure.

That's because they don't.

They don't realize that they're not happy with their own life.

If you really look at a missed field goal,

what you're really looking at is in that fucking memory that every once in a while comes out in the shower.

When you think back to that chick you really liked and you thought she liked you too, and you were walking up approaching her, and as you were walking to her, and it was no doubt that you were walking up to ask her out, you saw her face fall, like, oh no, don't do this.

And then you're like, oh shit, but I already committed.

I have to walk over.

And then you half-hearted, heartedly fucking

walking away as you're doing it.

And it's just like,

I will tell you that that embarrassment is a life sentence.

And every once in a while, you'll see somebody line up to kick a field goal to win the whole game, and they miss it.

And you think you're mad at the kicker, but you're not.

You're not mad at that kicker.

You're mad at yourself.

It's not that she said no.

It's that you didn't even try.

All right, let's.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm enjoying this podcast.

I'm enjoying what I'm doing.

I'm having a me moment.

Anyway,

let's see here.

Oh, look at this.

I didn't know I could still get text when I was in the fucking airplane mode there.

Oh, you know, you learn something every day.

How about the Boston Red Sox

playing against your Pittsburgh Pirates?

Just getting our fucking asses kicked.

We finally won the last goddamn game with an in-the-pock home run

from Jaron Durant.

It's a trick shot.

You got to hit it in the power alley, and it's got to roll all the way into the fucking triangle.

And then

that fucking nine-foot guy on the pirate.

I don't know any of the names.

I'm not even going to try.

I could look him up and pretend like I'm informed.

Or I could just be who I am.

An old dad who does, what's his name?

I can't remember.

The guy hit one straight away center.

Straight away, center.

There's like there used to be a TV camera guy out there back in the day.

I don't know what it is now.

It's the kind of place where the Houston Astros would put a hidden camera with their ownership knowing full well that that's what they're doing.

He hit it that far.

We don't have a choo-choo train like they do in Houston.

Speaking of fucking Houston,

this is sort of an amazing

stat.

I'm going to have to get off airplane mode at the risk of fucking another spam call.

I got to look this up.

There was a guy,

you know, when I was watching,

let's see, see, see, wait, Houston Cougars.

Now I'm going to give it away.

Come on, Bill.

Type and talk at the same time.

I can't do it.

What is this guy's name?

This really fascinated me because the guy is still.

There it is.

There it is.

There's the answer I was looking for.

So I was trying to think, like, who had the most fucking passing yardage in college football history?

And how much is it?

You know, with like how offenses are, you know, they're,

I know they're running more pro offenses these days or whatever.

And I also know that kids leave a lot of times before they complete, so they don't even play four years.

What is the record?

Turned out the record was over 20,000 yards

from a guy that played with the Houston Cougars,

Case Keenum.

And he's still in the league.

He's 37 years old.

And I'll tell you this right now:

I fucking love a journeyman quarterback.

He threw for 20,000 fucking yards

in four years with the Houston Cougars and then went undrafted.

And I was like, he went undrafted.

What would he rob a fucking bank?

How do you throw for 20,000 yards in Division I?

So I had to look up, you know.

I'm like, how the fuck do you throw for 20,000 yards?

And, you know, I can see you have a bad combine.

You go later in the fucking, fucking,

later in the evening.

In the evening,

boo-doo-boo.

Underrated Zeppelin song.

In the later rounds, this guy went 100%

undrafted.

20,000 yards

underneath his belt.

And all 32 teams said, yeah,

no, in the first round.

Yeah, no.

Second round, third round, fourth, fifth, sixth.

How many?

They just said no.

So I'm like, well, how the fuck did they do that?

How the fuck is this guy still in the league?

Like, what is going on with this guy?

So their knock was number one.

He played in a weak division

conference.

And he didn't play in the WAC.

I don't know what he played in.

It was like the fucking USA conference or something.

I'll be honest with you.

Whatever conference it was, I never heard of it.

All right?

So that was the first knock.

Then they said he was undersized, 6'1.

And then they said, you know,

his deep ball tended

lack zip and it tended to float.

So he went fucking undrafted.

So he shows up.

He gets a job anyway.

He spends a couple of years, I think, with the Houston Texans and then fucking, you know, played with a different team every year since almost.

And he's still in the league.

37 years old.

Still in the fucking league.

Isn't that a great story?

I think it is.

Yeah, you can't play in this league.

Oh, yeah, I'm pushing 40, and I'm still here, motherfuckers.

Undersized.

Okay.

Well, when your big six foot five dream boat goes down,

who's going to make sure you don't free fall while we're waiting for this fucking giant cunt to get healthy again?

Me, Case fucking Keenum.

He needs a nickname.

Case closed Keenum.

Case closed.

I'm still fucking here.

You didn't draft me.

I'm 37 years old.

I'm still here.

Case fucking closed Keenum

So there you go.

So there you go.

Next time you're fucking whining about your life

and how unfair it is, know that there's a guy out there that threw for 20,000 yards and 32 teams in the NFL said, yeah, we don't give a shit.

And he said, I don't give a fuck either.

And he's been playing for like 15 fucking seasons.

You know?

Play an NFL quarterback, ready to go in at any time, knows the fucking playbooks of half the fucking league.

This guy's like, I would hire that guy just because of his knowledge of all these other fucking teams.

I feel like they know what we're doing.

I'll tell you why they know what they're doing.

They got Case fucking closed Keatum on the other sideline.

How do I know that name?

He fucking played for us, you asshole.

He played for us, he played for everybody.

He knows where all the bodies are buried.

He's like that Epstein Island guy.

We got to whack this guy.

That's it.

So, next time you're whining about your life, know that there's a guy out there that threw for 20,000 yards in a division evidently nobody gives a shit about.

And he didn't get drafted.

He said, I don't give a fuck.

I'll dance for my dinner.

I'll show up to the combine anyway.

And he fucking made it.

So good for him.

Good for him.

maybe you need a little bit in that your life maybe we need to flip that case keenum fucking switch every once in a while all right let's get

let's

let's get into the ring

that made me feel better about my side that just fucking lifted my day

There's nothing better than a journeyman quarterback.

Steve DeBerg.

I mean, I fucking love the Finny Testa Verdi.

That would be the ultimate.

They should do an NFL roundtable of journeyman quarterbacks.

Who's the biggest cunt?

Who's the most overrated fucking cunt you ever backed up?

And you were constantly throwing a better ball during practice, but they had so much invested in that first-round cunt that you had to sit on the sideline.

I bet they stand, you know, when the fucking first rounder is fucking up.

I bet the other, the, the, the, the backup, the journeyman backup,

it's just kind of sitting there, you know.

Eyebrows up,

like one of those 90210 guys back in the day.

Remember how they used to look?

That James Dean adjacent look down the fucking road?

That's what they're doing.

Eyebrows up.

Over there licking their fingers, fucking throwing the goddamn ball, tight spiral, zip,

zip,

Zip.

As the coach just has to fucking sit there because the owner has a facelift and a fast elevator down to the field and just stick with this motherfucker.

I'm telling you.

All right.

Anyways, let's get to the reads here.

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Oh, by the way, when the guy kicked a field goal, I love that dude.

Is it Sean McDonough how his fucking voice always cracks?

Love me, that's good!

I love how excited he gets.

He still loves it.

God bless him.

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All right, here we go, here we go.

All right.

I have some reads for this week.

Hey, Billy Bum Bum, I know

you've got to do ads and reads and stuff to get yourself paid and all that.

I won't hate on your hustle on that front, but the lead-off of your latest episode about Duolingo just felt like a fucking advertisement.

Well, it wasn't.

I was just saying it's awesome.

I know you're probably going to say something to the effect of, well, that's not an ad.

I I just believe in the product.

Look, you head me off with the past.

And to that, I say, consider not giving endorsements of products of how well they work

until they're willing to pay you

just a thought.

Go fuck yourself.

You know something?

You just, you're all over the goddamn road.

You know, I know you got to do your ads and reads and stuff to get yourself paid and all that.

I won't hate on your hustle.

I don't give a fuck if you do, you arrogant cunt.

And then in the end, okay, so then you're accusing me of doing a sneaky read.

And then in the end, you go,

you know,

wait, what do you, in the end, you're saying if that wasn't a sneaky read and you're just saying that you like it?

You shouldn't do that until you get paid?

I don't know where I think you do.

I don't know how you did that, but that was a very short fucking text, and you argued all sides.

No, I was just excited because I was getting good at something that I flunked in high school for three fucking years.

Oh, wait a minute.

Are you the guy that knows things?

Do you mansplain

the podcast to your girlfriend?

Well, see, what he's doing there is he's acting like he's talking about this product, but he's actually using it.

That's a paid advertisement.

And I'll tell you, if it isn't, then he's dumb because he shouldn't say that he enjoys something.

Even if it is good for his podcast listeners, he shouldn't say that unless he's getting paid.

And then when he's getting paid to say it's good, then we'll believe him because he's getting money to say it's good, as opposed to just speaking from his heart, saying, Hey, this is working for me, and I'm a dumb fuck.

And if it works for me, it could possibly work for you.

All right, well, there you go.

All right, well, you know, every once in a while, when I think that I have the title as the biggest cunt in the world, somebody outcunts me.

So I tip my cunty hat to you, sir.

Or ma'am.

Or they.

Okay, response to ketamine.

I knew this was coming.

I asked last week, what was ketamine?

And I jokingly said, I feel like it's heroin mixed with cold brew.

It just sounds like a drink to me, doesn't it?

You want some wheatgrass in your shot, Aketamine?

Dear pig red tuna.

I heard last week about what it's like on ketamine.

I don't know what it's like on ketamine.

I was talking about it.

I had no idea what it was.

Okay, let me explain to you how it is in Dublin, Ireland.

Let me explain to you what it's like in Dublin, Ireland.

The ketamine comes straight from the Guinness factory.

All right, a friend of mine

had a party and told me he had the special K at the party.

Oh, is that what the people on the scene call it?

I guess that's how you know it's you're someone's a narc.

Do you really say special K?

You say that?

Oh, that really seems long for slang.

Ketamine.

Ketamine, special K.

You're not cutting it down.

It's three syllables and three syllables.

You got any wacky tobacco or special K on you?

Anyone have any horse?

It's a lingo.

It's a jargon.

You got to keep up if we're going to bust these hippies.

All right.

So I decided to stay sober that evening.

No alcohol, just non-alcohol,

non-alcoholic drinks.

I always say alcohol-free.

I always feel like non-alcoholic.

There's something weird about that for me.

For me,

I just feel like I am kind of an alcoholic.

So

alcohol-free drinks to keep my mind and body in peace and ready.

Well, I respect that.

You got to admit,

the fucking alcohol-free Guinness

for a fucking beer that's going to do absolutely nothing for you, it tastes pretty goddamn good.

Or maybe I just haven't had a real Guinness in that long.

I'm not saying it's as good as Guinness.

I realize it's the Latoya Jackson of the fucking beer family.

That was unnecessary.

Sorry.

All right, I mingled with people I met there.

And when the time came, I decided to check it out.

All right.

A friend of mine had a party and told me that he had special K at the.

Okay, so now you decided to check it out.

All right,

here's what it is.

You do a small line, snorting.

Okay, I love how you're overexplaining this to me.

Like, I didn't grow up in the fucking Coke 80s.

All right, you do a small line, snorting.

All right, you get this upbeat, euphoria feeling

that makes you feel like Sieg Heiling.

Because that's what happened with the Tesla guy.

You do a long line.

Okay, so if you do a small line, you snort it, it, you get this upbeat, euphoric feeling, sort of like Coke, I guess, which I've never done that because of Lenn bias.

Uh, rest your soul.

You do a long line, and you get an absolute trip.

That's wild.

So, you can either go the cocaine

route,

or you can kind of go like fucking mushrooms or LSD.

Anyway, the person says, now I have no idea how this science worked, but I did the long line with my ex-partner, and my God, we went for a trip.

All right, I'm in.

I'm in.

I'll tell you the Irish, goddamn Irish, they can tell a fucking story.

To the audience, what it was like.

Okay, to the audience, what it was like.

After a couple of minutes, your eyesight goes a bit hazy.

And then you go into this fragment of sight.

Almost like you're in a spaceship in hyperspace.

Oh, so maybe that's why the Tesla guy is shooting off rockets.

He's just tripping balls and has the money

to make his trip a reality.

Anyway, every light you see becomes fragmented.

Long lights of straight lines.

Every time someone is chatting, you're in a sci-fi scene, pause for a millisecond, and continue playing whatever you see.

Bonkers.

That is crazy.

That's like, I still don't quite understand.

Okay, every time someone is chatting, you're in a sci-fi scene,

pause for a millisecond and continues playing whatever you see.

So, like, they're talking to you, and it stops and starts?

You think that's bad?

It gets worse.

I think that's fucking what.

I mean, as long as tripping is all about whether or not you can hold your shit together.

Listen to me.

I've done mushrooms like five or six times, and all of a sudden, this is how you trip, guys.

Excuse me.

You think that's bad?

It gets worse.

I think it's fascinating.

I'm not saying anybody should do it, but this is like, I mean, come on.

There's documentaries for days about people talking about all this hard drug use, and every 20 months, like, what's it like?

to be that fucking out of control.

Anyway, my partner at the time was drinking.

I don't know what my partner means.

Is that like a gay relationship or a business partner?

I have no idea.

Partner in crime?

Are you a cop?

My partner at the time was drinking alcohol, and the effect went way beyond her control.

At 30 minutes,

or is it a non-committal relationship?

I don't fucking know.

At 30 minutes

in, she did not feel good and she rushed to the bathroom.

Oh, boy.

Oh, the poor thing.

You hate to see it.

I had to choose, I had to chase her to the bathroom, tripping in hyperspace.

Well, aren't you a goddamn gentleman?

You pushed through your trip to go help her out.

You know,

I like this guy who's afraid of commitment and calls his sort of girlfriend his partner.

Why do we have to have labels, man?

I had to chase her to the bathroom, tripping in hyperspace, and had to hold her hair while she threw up.

Now, god damn it, ladies.

You all know that's true love.

If you're with a man and he's willing to hold your hair while you fucking puke, I mean, god damn it.

It was almost like seeing Metallica playing live ride the lightning.

Holy shit.

With crazy stage like what watching her puke at the same time oh, were you running over there?

At the same time, helping my girlfriend.

Oh, now she's your girlfriend.

All right, good.

Holding her hair and say, You're doing good.

It's okay.

I got you.

He writes, ha.

Anyways, I'm glad I tried sober.

It was, tried it sober, okay?

It was fun, but don't think I would do it again.

Oh, you did it!

What the fuck was I talking about earlier that fed into this?

That you just do it one time.

And to the listeners, please be responsible, especially listeners in the U.S., please test your product and be safe.

God knows our shit is fucking, our food is poison.

You don't know what's in our Coke.

I don't understand these drug dealers.

God damn it.

We know we're doing drugs.

Just tell us what's in it, you cunt.

Anyway,

you had a good one, my tuna friend, D-Madness.

I don't know what you had a good one, means.

That is fucking wild.

Yeah, and by the way, I am by no means advocating doing that shit.

I think the chances of it completely ruining your life and taking over it, I have no idea what the addiction rate is.

I'm just happy that that Irish dude shared that story, told it as well as he did, and

has decided

not to

do it again

in the long run that's always a better choice all right 60s ford guy

dear billy pancake tits

did you mean pancake or pam you wrote oh pancake

i don't know dude you guys like the the level that these the you guys your insults at this point i feel like i'm the only one who doesn't get them and as long as you guys are laughing um

longtime listener and fellow huge Ford Nut as well.

I just turned 32 and always heard my dad talking about cars he had growing up.

Was listening last week to the guys wanting to get into 60s T-Birds as well.

It made me pull the trigger and get a 65 Thunderbird to tinker on with my dad.

Dude, that's fucking awesome.

But after I got it, he soon passed it 53.

All right, that's not awesome.

But after he got it, he soon passed it 53, dude.

Last year, unexpectedly.

Ugh.

I got to work on it a little bit

with him, but life's too short to not drive whatever the fuck you want if you can.

Yeah, that's the life lesson.

So now this is going to be worked on and passed down to my son.

To the guy last week looking at getting one.

You'll never grow wrong every time you hop in a classic.

You'll have a shit-eating grin ear to ear every time you drive it.

That is possibly the truest thing I've heard in a long time.

Because I'm not going to lie to you, as my kids get bigger and stuff, and the garage becomes less and less mine.

Some days I look at my old Ford truck and think about getting rid of it.

And every time I get in it

and I go through the gears,

and it's just three fucking fucking gears.

I do the same thing.

I have the window down.

I stick my head out the window like Ace Ventura and I go, woo!

Every time.

A little on the T-Birds from 65 and on, they all came standard with power front disc brakes and power steering, which was huge back then when most cars that was optional.

They all have a minimum of

an FE390

or a 428 big block as well, which are some of the best motors Ford ever produced, in my opinion.

Later 60s ones had 429 big blocks like the Boss Mustangs.

So they are big cars, but are powerhouses and very comfortable, smooth cruisers.

As well as in this market, some of the cheapest classics to get into.

They are very budget-friendly options.

Now, let me ask you this: if it has that same

big block as the Mustang, it's obviously geared differently.

So, you could probably switch out a transmission and a rear end so you don't rip the fucking back end off, and you could have a nice sleeper if you wanted to.

But I have to tell you, going fast is fucking overrated.

That's some young person shit.

Cruising around,

oh my God,

it's fantastic.

I'll tell you another thing that's underrated is to fall in love with cars

that

these demonic reptilian fucking baby boomers aren't into.

The ones that took capitalism right to the fucking end, and they have all of this fucking money to spend like $275,000 on a fucking Ford F-250 Highboy crew cab rotisserie restoration.

You paid as much as a fucking new Ferrari for it.

Like it to

like, you know,

a Mercury Marquee

or a Thunderbird, a Ford Galaxy, you know, Ford Galaxy, 65 Ford Galaxy.

You'll pay for some money for that.

A lot of people like that.

But there's just so many,

like cool, like if you can actually get into those,

you you know, those company cars that are all like the

upper management guys in my neighborhood, and it was funny, they were like upper management, but like the disparity in income wasn't as big.

Like a CEO used to make 40 times what the working man made, and now they make 400.

So, probably the guys in my neighborhood were like junior executives trying to work their way up to that.

And like I said, the guy across the street from me always had Oldsmobiles.

And

I just

oh my god he came home with this green one one time with green leather interior it's like the the the

the whole front seat looked like a fucking living room sofa you know with those that pushed in button leather

um

it was funny like with the gm product

that

The people that worked in the different divisions, Buick and Oldsmobile, they would do everything everything that they could to make their car as good as a Cadillac without infringe, like the

friendly reminder that it's like, you can't make an Oldsmobile better than a Buick.

You can't make a Buick better than a Cadillac.

That's how it worked back then.

And that's why it was so fucking cool that people knew, like, by what you were driving, how well you were doing.

Or.

If they knew how well you were doing, what you were driving could show that you were more, maybe more frugal.

Like one of my grandfathers was a really frugal guy and i always thought it was so cool that he always made sure

my grandmother because she was she was a car person too she always had a new car

and he always drove a used car but his thing was

that

she drove new he drove used but then he was a member of the local country club and he had his own golf cart so that was his like luxury item and they just lived this fucking simple, perfect life.

And I remember my grandmother, her whole life, she told this story of how my grandfather bought her a brand new car

and she fucking loved it.

And like my grandmother was one of those ones that like, you know,

every like once every couple of years,

They would drive into Chicago and go on to Michigan Avenue and she she was so excited she couldn't even handle it.

And she would go down and buy herself a new pair of shoes.

And it was, and like those shoes that she bought, that she saved up for, like

she would keep them forever and take unbelievable care of them, you know, shine them up, take them to the cob.

This is like back when like little things were big fucking things back then.

So anyway, she had this new car.

This is such a great story.

And I can't even tell it the way she did.

So, anyway,

she had this new car, and she would drive the car for two to three years, and then he would get her another new car.

And meanwhile, he would drive his used car into the fucking ground.

But he could go golf, smoke his pipe, hang out with the fellas, and have his own golf.

He had it figured out.

Happy wife, happy life.

And she loved him, and he loved her, right?

So he got her this new car

in like 53 or 54, I forget what the year was.

And then the very next year, she goes, I was driving by the Chrysler lot and she saw, I think it was a Chrysler

Imperial.

And I even think it was a convertible, or as my daughter calls it, a no-roofer.

Hey, dad, look, a no-roofer.

There's a few things you don't correct with your kids because they're so cute.

You don't want them to stop saying it.

Like my son says, hey, Dad, can you put the TV for me?

I'm not correcting, can you turn on the TV?

I just love when he says, Dad, can you put TV for me?

I just love it.

So anyway,

she saw this Chrysler, 1955 Chrysler Imperial.

She goes, it was emerald green.

And I remember when she would describe the car, like it was just above a whisper.

And she would be like, it was emerald green with this cream leather interior.

And she just, oh, it was such a beautiful car.

And she came home and she just knew she had to have it.

And she also knew that her husband was really frugal and he had just bought her a car.

And that the rule was, that's it.

I don't want to hear about it for another, you know, three years or whatever.

And she said, I went down there.

She said, I went home and I brought it up.

And, you know, he was all now so-and-so.

Now,

what are we doing?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, you know.

And she just worked on him.

And she made, I will do this.

I promise.

I blah, blah, blah, I won't ask for anything.

And then he just finally went down there and he traded in the new car.

And he got her that.

1955 emerald green with cream white leather interior.

And she talked about anytime I brought up cars, because I used to, it's one of those things.

I just loved hearing her talk about it.

She, like, she was more than happy to tell that story for the rest of her life.

She talked about that car, and she loved cars.

And, you know,

if there was one scratch, she would take it down to the dealership and get it fixed.

She kept all of her shit nice.

And

anyway, so going back to that,

I just don't see anybody,

you know,

Like, the cars were fucking art back then.

You could also die in a second because there was no safety features, but like,

anyway, you got to fucking do it if you can do it.

Get a classic car.

You know what's another thing about a great, a classic car?

You don't drive distracted,

you know, and it's also not spying on you and talking to your phone and trying to get all your contacts and your family photos like these fucking weirdos.

But by all means, let's focus on the guy down at Home Depot trying to help you build a fucking back porch for no goddamn money.

Got to get that guy out of the country.

Fucking so stupid.

They should get all of these fucking nerds.

All of these fucking nerds out of the country.

You know, I did see out here in LA.

Did I tell you this?

There was this professional ring of people robbing people's houses.

And the way, not only would they rob the house, the way they ransacked him and threw everything all around.

They caught him.

And if I was a judge, part of their sentences is I would make them clean up hoarders' houses.

That would be their community service after they did their fucking time in in jail.

Just straightening up for fucking 10 years.

Anyway, all right, let's move on to the next one here.

Oh my God, I'm over.

I'm over the time here.

And I have to take my kid to

a kid birthday party.

So I got to get off here.

All right, we're going to end on that.

Thank you guys so much for listening to the podcast.

I got some LA dates coming up.

And,

you know, I'm going to be out in Riverside.

I'm going to be out in Thousand Oaks.

I'm going going to be, you know, OHI.

I'm going to do like a little run out here to keep my act tight while I stay off the road.

I'm also getting ready to do the Middle East.

Excited to meet the Bill Burrs of fucking the Middle East.

You know?

You know, fucking meet the people, brother.

Anyway,

yeah, that's it.

I'm happy football season's here.

I'm happy you guys are listening.

I'm in a great fucking mood.

I finally got the hi-hat that I want.

It's little things.

It's little things.

All right, that's it.

Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.