NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago. Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is now streaming on Hulu.
30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd.

Speaker 1 Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht and the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming.

Speaker 1 Watch Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
And I'm just checking in

Speaker 1 on you. Woo-woo-woo.

Speaker 1 Yep. Yep.

Speaker 1 What's going on? How are you? Hope you're having a good week. Hope everything's going good your way and whatnot.

Speaker 1 I have an exciting announcement.

Speaker 1 The 12th annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit will be Sunday, May 18th, as always, at the New York City Center, which is 131 West 55th Street between 6th and 7th Avenue.

Speaker 1 New York City doors open at 7 p.m. Show starts at 7:30 p.m.

Speaker 1 The lineup is Rosebud Baker, Greer Barnes, DC Benny,

Speaker 1 Tim Dylan.

Speaker 1 I hope I say this name right,

Speaker 1 Nimish Patel.

Speaker 1 Sean Patton. So funny.

Speaker 1 That's a big last name in Glen Gary, Glen Ross. Patel.
Sean Patton.

Speaker 1 Rich Voss, as always, will be hosting it. I'm going to do a little time in there, and we might have a special guest drop in.
I'm working on that right now. You never know.

Speaker 1 Tickets go on sale today at 12 p.m. Eastern Time.
All tickets are $75.

Speaker 1 Tickets can be purchased at www.nycitycenter.org slash Patrice 2025.

Speaker 1 Or by one more time, that's www.nycitycenter.org slash Patrice 2025.

Speaker 1 Patrice is P-A-T-R-I-C-E.

Speaker 1 Or by calling the box office at 212-581-1212.

Speaker 1 All of this info will be posted on my social handles and on my website. Shout out and thank you, as always,

Speaker 1 to the captain of the ship, the producer, the booker, everybody.

Speaker 1 All the minutiae of it is Maureen Tarin.

Speaker 1 And that's it. It's

Speaker 1 always

Speaker 1 my favorite thing every year. It's like a,

Speaker 1 I don't know. It's like a high school reunion.
I get to see all these comics I never get to work with now because I live in LA.

Speaker 1 And then I also get to see young up-and-coming comedians that were influenced by Patrice's

Speaker 1 body of work. So there you go.
That's that. Oh, here's something I forgot to bring up

Speaker 1 on the Monday morning podcast.

Speaker 1 You know, my whole life, they've always wondered why hockey wasn't popular. How come it was always a distant fourth?

Speaker 1 You know, I can't see the puck. It doesn't translate on TV.

Speaker 1 I love they fucking saying that, but they got women's lacrosse.

Speaker 1 with that cameraman. How about you zoom in once every fucking while? My eyes are fucking too old to watch that sport.
But anyway,

Speaker 1 the thing about it is, is not only is it like more of a rogue sport, they've made just one fucking bonehead move after another. And even when they go to do something great, it doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 1 Like, I remember back in the day, they were on ESPN,

Speaker 1 which was great for the league in the 80s. And then the USA network came along and offered them $100 more.
And they said, fuck ESPN. And they went to USA.
They've always been doing shit like that.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 The brawling got out of control in the 70s. They've always been doing stuff to shoot themselves in the foot.

Speaker 1 They fucking took teams out of Canada and brought them down to like fucking Florida and Phoenix and all this dumb shit. And then they start getting going.

Speaker 1 They start doing smarter. Nashville, who knew? Boom, huge city.
Vegas, boom, huge city. Seattle, who knew, right? All of a sudden, okay, they got some momentum.
They got some momentum.

Speaker 1 And then they got this fucking world championship. Can somebody explain to me how Canada is the champion?

Speaker 1 It doesn't make any sense. Like, why do they do everything so fucked up in hockey?

Speaker 1 Right down, they don't have quarters, they have periods, they have two breaks, which I understand. If you ever played, you're fucking exhausted, sprinting the whole goddamn game.

Speaker 1 But like, we beat Canada a couple of Saturdays ago.

Speaker 1 All right? With Connor McDavid all the way to the fucking Sidney Crosby. Unbelievable team.
We beat them.

Speaker 1 Great game. Three fights in the first minute, like old school hockey and then just great hockey, right? So we beat him to advance to the final.

Speaker 1 All right? So then Canada's got to play

Speaker 1 their way in.

Speaker 1 I don't know who the fuck they played. They played like fucking Iceland or some shit.
They win, and now they're in the final

Speaker 1 with the American team. So now America's in a situation

Speaker 1 USA has to go 2-0 against Canada, or else we're the loot. If we go 1-1, we lose.

Speaker 1 If Canada wins, they're 1-1 against us, but they're the champion.

Speaker 1 Who was going to beat that Canada team twice?

Speaker 1 You weren't going to beat the USA twice. It was fucking, it's the dumbest, and the Russians weren't involved.
They weren't invited. The whole fucking, I can't remember if I brought this up.

Speaker 1 I'm still trying to wrap my head around how you go one and one and you're the better fucking team.

Speaker 1 So all you up in Canada, you know, when you're chanting, we're number one, why don't you chant, we're one and one?

Speaker 1 We're one and one.

Speaker 1 It's the dumbest fucking tournament I've ever seen. Like, how does that work? I get tournaments where it's just, you know, sudden death.
You lose, you're out.

Speaker 1 I've never seen one where you fucking lose, you can play your way back in,

Speaker 1 and then the other teams, they got to beat you twice,

Speaker 1 but you can have a 500 record and then you're the better team. I mean, I don't know.
I don't fucking know. I don't know.
But congratulations, Canada. You're number one in one.

Speaker 1 I still love the sport, but that's the one I'm just.

Speaker 1 I knew all Saturday. I go, there's no fucking way, but we almost beat him too.
We almost beat him again. It took him all the way to overtime.
And I was like, there's no fucking way.

Speaker 1 You're not going to beat this team two times in a row. Any more than they're going to beat us two times in a row.
So, what was the move? Lose?

Speaker 1 Lose first?

Speaker 1 And then play fucking, you know, Luxembourg and then fucking get into the final. And Russia's nowhere there.
And then

Speaker 1 we were one and one, and then we're the champions.

Speaker 1 Canada beat the United States to win the world championship.

Speaker 1 They won the series one game to one.

Speaker 1 Clearly demonstrating that they are without a doubt the best fucking one-in-one team you're ever going to see. It's fucking stupid.
The whole thing was fucking stupid.

Speaker 1 Makes no sense. And why would you rob hockey fans of having another game?

Speaker 1 Right? You got another game, and then we get to see, okay, all right, best two out of three. I like that.
Nice and quick.

Speaker 1 You know, these fucking all these other leagues with their fucking 58 rounds of seven-game series, including the NHL. Jesus fucking Christ.
How long you going to drag it out?

Speaker 1 How many fucking cars do you got to sell while we watch this shit?

Speaker 1 Anyway, just another thing that makes me love and just completely confused as to how hockey does their math. And it's not a metric system thing because I watch sports around the world.
I've traveled.

Speaker 1 I've seen them. Nothing makes less sense than the way the NHL does their shit.
It just fucking does it. Well, I guess it wasn't the NHL.
Whatever, hockey, the sport of hockey.

Speaker 1 It's just a bizarre.

Speaker 1 It's a fucking bizarre. It's a great game.
It's a beautiful goddamn game, but I swear to God, you make sense of it. You're a better man than me.

Speaker 1 Anyway, exciting news here.

Speaker 1 We're in our last week,

Speaker 1 you know, at the rehearsal space, which has been going great. We're dialing it in, and pretty soon we're going to be over at the theater working things out.

Speaker 1 And next thing you know, we're going to be in for premieres and previews, sorry.

Speaker 1 And then we have opening night.

Speaker 1 A buddy of mine, he corrected me on all my terminology. Opening night,

Speaker 1 then there's the at the end, there's a curtain call.

Speaker 1 I'm gonna get all this terminology down because I sound like I don't know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 1 So, anyway, I'm getting

Speaker 1 pretty goddamn excited about that.

Speaker 1 And yeah, I guess that's really all I have going on in my life. I've been running around doing spots.
I went up to the West Side, the Upper West Side Comedy Club. Great room.

Speaker 1 Went up there on New Jokes Night, Night, New Material Night. You just go up and kind of riff

Speaker 1 on

Speaker 1 whatever you want to talk about, which was

Speaker 1 really fun, man. It was a nice, perfect size crowd.
Went up there, fucked around, man, did a little bit of this, a little bit of that, added to some shit.

Speaker 1 I mean, it wasn't all brand new material, but I was able to expound on it. Is that a word? Is it? I have no idea.
So,

Speaker 1 it's going good. So all I got to do now, I got about like

Speaker 1 four or five lines left that I have to get word perfect.

Speaker 1 And then I am

Speaker 1 off and running here. But

Speaker 1 we've been having a great time. I've never gotten to work on anything

Speaker 1 this long

Speaker 1 other than editing a movie. But even then, it's like the performances are already done.

Speaker 1 You know, I've never, you know, everything I've done in this business, you know, becoming a comedian, you want to be a comedian? All right, go up and do it.

Speaker 1 Five minutes, go on, come back next week, whatever, write some shit, all right, and go, no rehearsal,

Speaker 1 and perform it

Speaker 1 and eat your balls, and come back again, right?

Speaker 1 And even like if

Speaker 1 I don't know, you get auditions for shit. You have like a day or two, maybe, if you're lucky, right?

Speaker 1 You go in, you audition, you hope you don't do, you know, you knock it out of the park, then you get the part,

Speaker 1 and you show up, they rewrote a few things, they added something, they took something out, and action go. This shit, having a whole

Speaker 1 almost four weeks to work on this stuff, I really understand

Speaker 1 why

Speaker 1 so many actors, you know,

Speaker 1 love doing theater and anything. I'm having the best fucking time

Speaker 1 doing this stuff. So, hopefully, you guys can come out and check it out and hopefully you like it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know. That's basically it.
So I've been hanging with my family here all week, which has been fucking amazing.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 just hanging out, just doing whatever.

Speaker 1 Not doing anything, wrestling and all of that.

Speaker 1 Playing all the games, reading all the books and everything. My lovely wife, seeing her, that's been fucking fantastic.

Speaker 1 So, I'm going to be doing this one week a month, seeing the family and everything. And the FaceTime has really been a

Speaker 1 savior. But other than that, I have no idea what the fuck is going on in the world.

Speaker 1 All I know is every day somebody calls me up and says, This fucking, you know, they get rid of this now, they're getting rid of that. I mean, it's nice to see some politicians

Speaker 1 actually, you know,

Speaker 1 stepping outside their party and just fucking finally saying, like, what are you billionaire cunts talking about?

Speaker 1 The fuck are you, you guys don't even pay taxes?

Speaker 1 Like, how much are you going to

Speaker 1 take away from the little guy?

Speaker 1 I kind of feel like a lot of us are like institutional. You know, if you're in prison too long, you don't know how to survive outside of prison.

Speaker 1 I feel like a lot of us are like fucking institutionalized into believing that there's

Speaker 1 this party and that party.

Speaker 1 And everything would be great if they just, you just did what my party wanted, rather than being like, no, there's a lot of fucking corrupt, fucked up people in both parties serving these fucking super fucking rich assholes

Speaker 1 who evidently just cannot have enough fucking money.

Speaker 1 I don't understand, like, it's got to be like,

Speaker 1 I don't know, like their quest for power. You ever see somebody who just can't stop getting tattoos? They get like addicted to them, and next thing you know, it's like they're drowning in them.

Speaker 1 And it starts creeping up their neck, and then they're getting them on their face, they tattoo their whole fucking head, and then they just run out.

Speaker 1 I kind of feel like they're like that. It's just like, dude, like,

Speaker 1 what kind of a fucking asshole has a billion dollars and is still going to work?

Speaker 1 Like, what the, what do you do with

Speaker 1 if I had a fucking billion dollars, like

Speaker 1 you could literally go to a town and help everybody out.

Speaker 1 You could go to a state

Speaker 1 and just be like, you know,

Speaker 1 I want to be the best shit ever. The best, as they say, he's a good shit.
That's a Massachusetts name. I want to be the best fucking guy ever.
You just go in and you just rescue a state.

Speaker 1 Like, I feel like that, the

Speaker 1 Tesla guy, like, if he fucking really just wanted

Speaker 1 that dopamine

Speaker 1 of like feeling like a god, just take your money and go to West Virginia.

Speaker 1 God knows those people need the help. It's one of the most exploited fucking states in the universe, right? In the country, I mean, right?

Speaker 1 Go there, fix the fucking schools, turn the fucking place around and live there. It's beautiful.

Speaker 1 Turn the whole fucking thing around. They name the state after you.
You're not going to do better than that.

Speaker 1 You're not going to do better than that. They don't.
They'd rather just keep it for themselves.

Speaker 1 What do they want? Everybody to be peeking over their fence, being like, oh, wow, it's got to be amazing to be you, man.

Speaker 1 And I know I say this all the time, but you know,

Speaker 1 you got to look at that guy and realize that God created that guy.

Speaker 1 You know, that's what, and that's the thing that I don't believe in the afterlife.

Speaker 1 That God is an angry God.

Speaker 1 I just don't believe if you believe in God. I just, there's no way you can make

Speaker 1 a man that's named Elon,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 Elon, whatever his fucking name is.

Speaker 1 You can't make a guy named Elon and he ends up being this big of a douche. He already has a douchey first name.
And then he's going to be that big a douche and cause this amount of fucking suffering

Speaker 1 just for the fucking hell of it. And you created the guy.

Speaker 1 And then you're going to get mad at me, what? Because I called somebody a content traffic.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 Can you imagine having the balls to say that? When you're getting judged by God and he starts giving you a rough time and be like, hey, God, I don't want to, you know,

Speaker 1 I don't want to step on

Speaker 1 your fucking creative toes here, but I think you got bigger fish to fry, don't you?

Speaker 1 You know, I think maybe you have some things that, you know,

Speaker 1 maybe you should answer to.

Speaker 1 Like, why you've created all these megalomaniacs throughout? Why do you create sociopaths?

Speaker 1 Why do you create narcissists? Why do you create serial killers?

Speaker 1 Why do you create these fucking people? Child molesters. Why do you create these fucking people? What's wrong with you?

Speaker 1 What did I do exactly?

Speaker 1 How many years did I cheat on my taxes? What are we talking about? What exactly I did versus what you did? And by the way, you made me, so I'm your fuck up, right?

Speaker 1 You know, this is another one of your mistakes.

Speaker 1 I don't think you get that far in the discussion.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, what if God's a narcissist? And he just blames you for fucking everything. Well, they kind of do that, right?

Speaker 1 He was definitely an absentee father, huh?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Just a lot of it, a little bit, a little bit doesn't that up there.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so I went for a walk last night when I walked up to the

Speaker 1 Upper West Side Comedy Club, great fucking place, amazing restaurant above it, right around the corner from the Beacon Theater.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 because I'm going to be here for so long,

Speaker 1 and I have this gig, and I have Sunday nights off, I'm kind of thinking, like, you know, there's a whole bunch of shit that I've never seen in New York.

Speaker 1 Like, I've never gone to a show at the Beacon Theater. I've done shows there, but I've never sat in the crowd.
So I'm going to try to find a good show to go there.

Speaker 1 I've never, I've done a show a long time ago, something for Dennis Leary, I want to say.

Speaker 1 I can't remember what it was. It was at Lincoln Center.

Speaker 1 Never been in the crowd. I kind of got that because I went to that SNL

Speaker 1 band thing and I got to sit in the crowd at Radio City Music Hall

Speaker 1 and I was just like, this is fucking amazing.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 sit down and just watch all of this talent go up there and destroy. This is fun.
I used to do this before I became a whore and became one of the fucking idiots up there.

Speaker 1 You know, I used to go to shows and I had a good goddamn time

Speaker 1 i want to do this so

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 you know because you know what i you know a fun thing that every monday night les paul rest his soul used to play

Speaker 1 at this open mic just because he loved playing he didn't need the money he didn't need to do it he just did it and it was this little ass bar and you could go down there and he would just fucking wail all night long.

Speaker 1 Les Paul, the guy who created the best looking guitar ever. The most beautiful fucking guitar ever created, in my opinion.
The Les Paul.

Speaker 1 He created it and he mastered it. He was an unbelievable guitar player.
And then famous guitarists every once in a while would drop in.

Speaker 1 And it was, I swear to God, where my apartment was, I could have walked there in 15 minutes. And I was every Monday night, I think he did it.
And I was like, I got to get over there.

Speaker 1 I got to see that guy. I got to get over there.
I got to see that guy. I got to get over there.
I got to see that. I never did.
And I never did. And then he passed away.

Speaker 1 And I was like, like, I'm a fucking idiot.

Speaker 1 And I didn't because I was running out doing fucking spots, which I know I had to do what the fuck I had to do. But like, still, he could have taken one night off to see Les Paul

Speaker 1 with like 80 people.

Speaker 1 The fuck was I thinking? I wasn't. So when I first got here,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 Josh Adam Myers.

Speaker 1 took me to go see Paul McCartney and seeing him in there,

Speaker 1 it just

Speaker 1 ignited this thing in me that has been dormant since I used to go to metal shows in the 80s before I became a comedian, which, by the way, my 33rd fucking anniversary of my first time on stage ever,

Speaker 1 ever, is

Speaker 1 coming up. I cannot believe it.

Speaker 1 Unbelievable. It's just flown by.

Speaker 1 Absolutely flown by. I thought it freaked me the fuck out

Speaker 1 was: I remember Mickey Mantle passing away.

Speaker 1 Okay, I was 27.

Speaker 1 He was 63.

Speaker 1 I mean, you're 27, 63 seems like a long way away. I'm turning 57 this year, and I'm like, Jesus Christ, that guy was born in 1931.
I was born in 1968.

Speaker 1 This guy had a 37-year head start on him, and I am now, he was almost 64. So I am only seven years away from how old he was when he passed away.
what the fuck

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 what happened

Speaker 1 where did it all go I don't know um anyway

Speaker 1 plowing ahead here I uh

Speaker 1 you guys remember Todd Parker Todd Parker he came on my uh

Speaker 1 came on my Thursday podcast

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 They wrote a book, a great book, which is what the fuck is it?

Speaker 1 What the hell was it called? God damn it,

Speaker 1 billionaire something or other.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's gonna kill me for this. Whatever.
He came on my podcast and he wrote this great book. I've known him

Speaker 1 my first time ever doing stand-up. It was a contest, and he was one of the judges.
So I have a running joke that I never forgave him because I didn't win that night.

Speaker 1 And believe me, I did not deserve to win. He didn't do anything wrong.
So, anyway,

Speaker 1 he sent me as a congratulations

Speaker 1 for doing Broadway, and he knows I'm out here missing my family and stuff.

Speaker 1 He goes, I took a chance on this. I don't know if you're into it or not.
So I'm looking at it going, like, that's too big to be a book. Unless he wrote like a fucking encyclopedia or a phone book.

Speaker 1 This is huge. And I unwrapped it.
And it was a model of one of those Hemi cars

Speaker 1 that I have not built one of those since I was a kid. Like, literally, like, you know, you opened it up and everything was white.
And then, you know, he had the grid with all the parts on it.

Speaker 1 He gave me paint, the paintbrushes, the glue,

Speaker 1 everything.

Speaker 1 And if you could have seen the ear-to-ear grin that I broke into, it was like, oh my god, this is fucking amazing. Because I remember I used, I was like

Speaker 1 too impatient. I'd start gluing shit together before I finished painting him.
I would paint the shit after I took it off. And I'd have fingerprints on it and everything.

Speaker 1 And for whatever reason, just thinking back to it, going like, I should have painted all the parts first, let them dry,

Speaker 1 you know, then put all the decals on, let it dry, or whatever. I don't know what you're supposed to do, when you're supposed to put the decals on or whatever.

Speaker 1 And then put it together and followed the steps. And I was always impatient.
I'd start, they always made you start with the engine, and I was bored shitless with it.

Speaker 1 I wanted to get to the car, and I would skip steps and all of that. I just, you know,

Speaker 1 I was an idiot. Like, doing stand-up is the only thing I was ever fucking good at, right? I just sucked at everything else.
So now I get the chance to kind of redo that. And

Speaker 1 I cannot wait to like,

Speaker 1 you know, I'm going to wait till we're done with rehearsals and we start doing the show when I have the time.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I was telling them, like, like,

Speaker 1 because I kind of need something to replace cigar smoking. Because.

Speaker 1 I don't even think about smoking cigars anymore, but I do miss the quiet and the solitude of doing it.

Speaker 1 And I equated it with the smoke, and it really wasn't. It was just that, you know, you can only smoke in a few places, so you just kind of had to sit there.

Speaker 1 And, you know,

Speaker 1 if I was smart enough to not have my phone on, if I just sat there, it was a really nice sort of reset. You know, you look at your life, you think of all this

Speaker 1 bullshit that doesn't mean anything. You start to think about the stuff that matters, you know,

Speaker 1 blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that. And I'm thinking like, maybe making these cars

Speaker 1 is a good way to

Speaker 1 fix that. So then I don't go back.
Because I really don't feel like going back. I do enjoy a cigar, but I think I've had enough.

Speaker 1 I think I had enough of them.

Speaker 1 You know, I don't know.

Speaker 1 There's other things to do.

Speaker 1 So anyway, let me do. Do I have any reads? I don't think I have any reads.
I do not. I do not have any reads.
I do not, in fact, have any reads to do.

Speaker 1 So anyway,

Speaker 1 still been hitting the gym.

Speaker 1 Stomach is coming down.

Speaker 1 I'm still like, just cannot believe when I sit down and I just look at the damage I've done. And I've took a lot off already.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it's still a fucking shit show.

Speaker 1 You know, it's easy to look good with clothes on, especially if you're wearing a pea coat over the clothes.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? You look great. It's like I'm wearing 600 pounds of clothes right now.
Of course I look like I'm fucking in shape.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 yeah, I got a fucking

Speaker 1 like if I was a car,

Speaker 1 you know, there's no way I would be at the Meekum auction. No fucking way.
This is something you pull out of the woods,

Speaker 1 you know.

Speaker 1 And then, you know, whatever you want, you get half of that.

Speaker 1 Fucking engine block is seized.

Speaker 1 Engine block, the fucking engine is seized.

Speaker 1 Anyway.

Speaker 1 Oh, speaking of that, I saw like.

Speaker 1 I saw this really fucking cool car. And it was an Australian Ford from the 1970s.
It was sort of like that, it was like a Lando or something like that, L-A-N-D-A-U or something.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it just looked like it was made out of leftover parts.

Speaker 1 Like the rear end looked like the back of the Mercury Monarch or the Ford Granada.

Speaker 1 Had like those brake lights, and then the front, it looked like the grille off of like of a

Speaker 1 mid-60s Lincoln Continental.

Speaker 1 And then the body was sort of like a mid-size or sometimes a two-door coupe.

Speaker 1 It was really weird. It had like a bench seat.

Speaker 1 It's kind of a cool car. Dude, Australia and then also Latin America has American cars that you don't even know fucking existed.

Speaker 1 Like I went, last time I was in Australia, which was 2015, 10 fucking years ago.

Speaker 1 I used to go there every couple of years, and then I had kids. And I don't know, there's just something about being that far away from them and in a different hemisphere.

Speaker 1 It just kind of freaks me out. But they're getting older, so

Speaker 1 I gotta get back there. But I went down there.
Last time I was there, I got there on Australia Day, which is basically like their fucking 4th of July.

Speaker 1 And, you know, Australians get after it. They don't need an excuse.
And I landed the day they had an excuse. And I got out there

Speaker 1 14 hours to Sydney from L.A. and then flew another six hours to Perth.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 me and Nia landed, and they were just fucking drinking and driving.

Speaker 1 It looked like Massachusetts on like a Saturday night, like Boston, like in the 80s, back when I was fucking going down there with the combat zone.

Speaker 1 All the college kids, and then the fucking Southeast Dorchester North End kids, all of that shit, just all sort of

Speaker 1 coming out of these dance clubs.

Speaker 1 And there was just fights and puking and all of that shit. It was, it was like that vibe.
I just remember being like,

Speaker 1 I don't know how this plays out, but I'm not going to find out. I'm going inside and uh

Speaker 1 because I don't know if it's cool to be out here or not, but I don't feel like it is. So I went inside.
But anyway,

Speaker 1 they still, at least 10 years ago, still made an El Camino style car

Speaker 1 down in

Speaker 1 Australia. And

Speaker 1 I was freaking out. I was going, I go, Nia, look at that.
They get fucking, they're still making El Caminos down here. This is fucking amazing.

Speaker 1 So they also had a thing in Mexico.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck. I used to know the names of these things.
They had, like, you know, it's weird in the States,

Speaker 1 the Chevy Suburban, the four-door, basically Chevy Blazer.

Speaker 1 Ford never went to compete with that, never made a four-door one, but they actually did, and they sold it in Central and South America.

Speaker 1 And I forget what the fuck it's called.

Speaker 1 But they're really fucking cool. And it's basically their answer to the Suburban.
And I have no idea why. They never sold one in the United States.
And every

Speaker 1 person from the USA that I show it to thinks they're fucking sick.

Speaker 1 It was like not an F-400,

Speaker 1 it was something weird, some weird number.

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 1 you know, you can get them.

Speaker 1 You know, you can go online and find them. But I always thought they were cool, especially, you know, if they had like that 1970s, like the.

Speaker 1 I was never a fan of the 78, 79 front-end grille, but like the other ones, the one that they had from basically like 73 to 77,

Speaker 1 that one

Speaker 1 with the four doors actually looks really fucking cool. All right, I'm babbling here.

Speaker 1 Once again, Patrice O'Neal comedy benefit.

Speaker 1 Thank you in advance to everybody that comes out. You have no idea how much this benefit has helped.
You know, Patrice was taking care of his mom.

Speaker 1 And all the comics, we all know that Patrice would fucking kill us if we ever let anything happen to his mother so

Speaker 1 we've been able to take care of her

Speaker 1 because you guys show up every fucking year and the place sells out and we always have these great shows and

Speaker 1 it's really just such a great thing and if you're a fan of Patrice when you go to the show

Speaker 1 a way to give back to him and his comedy legacy is to help out his mother

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that's it. All right.
Have a great weekend, you cards. And I'll talk to you on Monday.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 27th, 2017. What's going on, Awahya?

Speaker 1 How's it going? Sorry, the podcast is a little bit late this week.

Speaker 1 You know, the fucking checkout was,

Speaker 1 you know, 10 a.m. at this place I was staying at.
And I thought I could sleep till 10 and then do the fucking podcast and leave at noon. That's what I thought.
You know, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Am I still in America? Checkout time is maybe 11. Where the fuck is it, 10 a.m.?

Speaker 1 The fuck, is Trump not president anymore? I mean, I thought this was something that he thought he thought he was going to make it great again.

Speaker 1 Make it great again. Have me check out at one in the fucking afternoon.
Won't you sign an executive order for that, you orange-headed cunt? How about that?

Speaker 1 This podcast is not funny. It's sad.
It's a lonely man by himself.

Speaker 1 Sorry for the bad Trump impression.

Speaker 1 Anyways, I am in Gainesville, Florida right now, and you're probably wondering, Bill, what the fuck are you doing in Gainesville, Florida? Home of the Florida Gators.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 you're there on a fucking Monday, and it's not football season. Why are you here?

Speaker 1 It's because I have to do the makeup date for the show that I was going to do back in November when I was going to go to the Florida Gators game down there at the fucking fucking swamp.

Speaker 1 I was going to do that and go to the Florida Gator LSU game. And

Speaker 1 that game got rained out, whatever. They had a fucking hurricane and everybody freaked out because Jacksonville was going to get the shit kicked out of them.

Speaker 1 Gainesville was, you know, as far as I'm concerned, it was safe.

Speaker 1 You know, with my complete lack of a meteorological background, is that the right word? I don't know. So I'm back here.
I'm back here, you know, in February

Speaker 1 when nothing's going on. Oh, shit.
What about their team? What if their fucking team has a basketball team has a game tonight?

Speaker 1 Maybe

Speaker 1 that's what's going on. I don't fucking know.
Anyways,

Speaker 1 I'm here in fucking

Speaker 1 Gainesville. I had a great time this whole weekend being out there in Daytona, Daytona Beach, Florida.
And Jesus Christ, dude.

Speaker 1 Some of the fucking locals in Daytona, your heart just goes out to them.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? It's just these, these, all these, it's all those people that, that people in Hollywood trash.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 It's just a bunch of, you know, a lot of fucking white people that are just, Jesus, life is just fucking kicked the shit out of them. Not saying everybody, but I'm just saying.

Speaker 1 I fucking came into town.

Speaker 1 I'm fucking walking down the street the first night. I got video of this.
I'm walking. There's like a fight about ready to break out outside of a pizza joint.
And everybody there is like my age.

Speaker 1 Except they look my age. You know what I mean? They might have a better hairline, which isn't hard with me, but they're just fucking fat.

Speaker 1 Fucking big, fat, fucking,

Speaker 1 what's that, Prilosex shit that people eat? That was it called?

Speaker 1 That shit Larry the cable guy talks about, right? He goes, fucking Prilosex ATC.

Speaker 1 When you fucking go out and you eat a whole fucking pig and your stomach's like, what the the fuck did you just do to me?

Speaker 1 Rather than not eating a whole fucking pig again, you can take this shit and it'll make it feel like eating a whole pig yourself is okay.

Speaker 1 That's shit. They had those bodies.

Speaker 1 A lot of cargo shorts that were just frayed at the bottom. A lot of bad tattoos.

Speaker 1 A lot of fucking people that look like even if they weren't on drugs, you know when people do drugs for so fucking long, there's only so coherent that you can get back to.

Speaker 1 we went to this fucking restaurant right on the strip and uh

Speaker 1 this fucking lady jesus christ if she wasn't high she just done she had just done so many fucking drugs she brought the fucking wings over right

Speaker 1 and they were like i'm they weren't ice cold they were room temperature which is fucking ice cold and i'm like yeah uh and i hate sending food back

Speaker 1 We're sitting in this fucking restaurant, right? And we're sitting in it's like basically a NASCAR because we're there to go to the Daytona 500 the next day, right?

Speaker 1 It's like a NASCAR that they cut in half and put a booth in the middle of it, right?

Speaker 1 Or some shit. I don't know what the fuck it is.
And we looked up later, and evidently, this was the worst restaurant.

Speaker 1 Me and Nate ended up going to this fucking thing. Ended up being the worst restaurant.
It wasn't bad. I ordered the fucking.
It looked shady.

Speaker 1 And the music they were playing, they were playing like ZZ Top, She's Got Legs.

Speaker 1 They played George Thorgood twice.

Speaker 1 They played Yes, Owner of a Lonely Heart. I was just sitting there.
It felt like it was 1985. I was joking on stage that night.
I was waiting for fucking Marty McFly to come walking in.

Speaker 1 Keyword there, fly.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 there was just some guy walking around, sort of mouthing the words

Speaker 1 to this George. And it wasn't even a good George Thorgood song.
It wasn't Bad to the Bone or

Speaker 1 whatever, that fucking one whiskey, one scotch, or one one beer. It wasn't that one.

Speaker 1 It was that

Speaker 1 cover,

Speaker 1 my back door. Now, my bitch don't come no more.
Moving on over,

Speaker 1 rocking on over.

Speaker 1 Just sitting there going, oh my God.

Speaker 1 The waitress fucked up every possible way she could have fucked up other than just blowing her nose into the bread. I mean, other than that, every fucking thing you could do, she fucked up.

Speaker 1 It was hilarious.

Speaker 1 I felt bad for her. I could see, you know, she just,

Speaker 1 you know, we all do it. We all do it in my business.
We stay out there too long. Madonna did it, you know, she's still twerking.
She's like 60.

Speaker 1 It's like, Madonna, for the love of fucking God, can you dress your age?

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 1 Can you have a shred of fucking decency for yourself so that people can just, in a general sense, look in your direction? You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 There was a bunch of guys down on Daytona Beach dressing the way Madonna was dressing. There was a bunch of fucking guys my age still wearing tank tops

Speaker 1 where your arms have no muscle definition anymore. It's just us, it looks like, you know what it looks like?

Speaker 1 It looks like, you know, when somebody has like cankles, you know, that part of the leg where it just, you know, there's no shape to the calf?

Speaker 1 That's what the arm looks like, and it's all fucking flabby and just these awful,

Speaker 1 horrific fucking tattoos.

Speaker 1 Just shit you pick off a wall.

Speaker 1 Somebody with the shakes just puts it on your fucking arm man. So she comes over.

Speaker 1 By the way, when you go into a place like that, because once I sit down, I'm not leaving. Just go with the grilled cheese.
You get a grilled cheese sandwich, and what can they do?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Fucking Nate ordered a hamburger and I was just like, all right, dude. You know, but if you get fucking Ebola, I mean, I don't want to hear you bitching about it or whatever, E.

Speaker 1 coli, whatever you get. I knew it was something with an E.

Speaker 1 So she comes over and she's just like, hey, welcome. It was like one in the afternoon.
The sun just fucking blazing through the windows. She's just like, hey, welcome.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be your waitress for this evening. Evening.
And she caught herself saying evening, and she just fucking plowed forward.

Speaker 1 You know, you got specials here. You have,

Speaker 1 it was like, listening, it was like literally like listening to a cell phone going in and out, right?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 she brings the fucking orders over.

Speaker 1 And she kept kept going, how's your meat?

Speaker 1 Which I've never heard anybody say that. I ordered a burger and the winks.
I got a little dangerous with the fucking winks. And I had the grilled cheese sandwich.

Speaker 1 And I think it was just too much for her fucking blown-out brain to try to remember what kind of protein we ordered. So she just kept coming over, going, How's the meat? She came over.

Speaker 1 She gave me the burger. She gave Nate the fucking grilled cheese sandwich.
We had to swing that fucking thing around.

Speaker 1 The chicken was fucking stone cold and she just she started to like turn sideways when she fucked up up the order, and she was like almost trying to hide behind her own shoulder.

Speaker 1 She's like, I'm sorry, I had the manager take it off. I'm really apologize.

Speaker 1 And she fucking disappears and comes back two seconds later, which was a big thing in Daytona.

Speaker 1 Ordering food that should have taken at least 15 minutes, and it returned in like two seconds. It was very disturbing.

Speaker 1 Because the first night when we saw those fucking old guys with the flabby arms pushing each other outside that fucking pizza parlor,

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, I'll take you through the whole fucking shit show. We went into this place that we thought was a Hooters.

Speaker 1 A fucking Hooters.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, I'm not eating it here. Any place that is sort of in the sex industry, it's got one foot in the sex industry.
I'm not ordering food in. So I went in there and got a beer.

Speaker 1 And we walked in, and the chicks didn't have Hooters, but they all had asses.

Speaker 1 And they had shorts like up their ass, like half their fucking ass was hanging out and it was just you know it was a shit show

Speaker 1 and we're trying to figure it out we're like going what the fuck what the kind of fucking hooters is is hooters

Speaker 1 finally admitting that hip-hop went mainstream about 25 years ago and now they're focusing on asses

Speaker 1 and um

Speaker 1 wasn't until the next day we walked out we realized it wasn't a hooters it was some wings joint And I think they're going to put Hooters out of business because I don't think people care about titties anymore.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Plus, you can have a nice rack and like your fucking ass can be as flat as a goddamn fucking desk, a desktop, right?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? So then what do you got? Then you just gotta get a pair of tits, you know?

Speaker 1 What are you gonna do with that?

Speaker 1 I love an ass.

Speaker 1 And you can't have a nice ass and be out of shape. It just doesn't fucking work.
That is the nucleus of the body. If that's fucking in shape, then everything else is fine.

Speaker 1 You can have a fucking pair of tits on you, you know what I mean? it can just be a shit show when you go south. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 That's like, you know, guys when they fucking, they keep lifting weights, you know, and they just keep trying to keep their chest out in front of their beer belly, and they keep pushing the jeans down further and further so they still have their 32-inch jeans, you know?

Speaker 1 By the way, I think white people were the first one to wear saggy jeans, you know?

Speaker 1 I think we were the first ones to do it.

Speaker 1 And that was with the guys who just refused to buy a 34-inch, then a 36, 38 inch waist they just kept pushing it down and letting their fucking stomach come out over the top

Speaker 1 so anyways

Speaker 1 she's like hiding behind her shoulder going i'm sorry i haven't managed to take it out

Speaker 1 so she fucking uh

Speaker 1 oh no i know i remember what i was trying to say yeah how quickly the food came so the night before we went out after we left the fucking uh the bar where these girls had to walk around with half of their fucking asses hanging out um

Speaker 1 And now that I'm a dad, it was even worse. I just kept thinking, what if my daughter ends up working? This is fucking,

Speaker 1 I wanted to meet the father of all these guys and be like, what did you do that had them end up here? So I don't do it so my daughter doesn't end up here.

Speaker 1 So we go down the fucking street and we go to this other fucking bar. They're like, they got a biker bar down there because, you know, Daytona has that fucking crazy biker week and some shit out here.

Speaker 1 And I'm just like, all right, I am not a biker and I'm not going to go in there and get fucking, you know, I don't know, a pool cue fucking shoved in my ear. I don't need this shit, right?

Speaker 1 So we go to this other bar. It's sort of a sports bar.
We walk in, everything's cool.

Speaker 1 So I ordered some food. I go, let me get the,

Speaker 1 what's the raw tuna? It's not sashimi. Is it tuna tart-tar?

Speaker 1 Tar-tar? Is that what I ordered? You know, in, you know, this fucking sports bar.

Speaker 1 Why would you order raw fish in a place like that? It's fucking nuts, but I did. And I ordered chips and salsa.
And I swear to God, this woman walked into the kitchen.

Speaker 1 They had the in and the outdoor, you know, the swinging doors. She walked in there in the door and went,

Speaker 1 and then she came walking right back out with the fucking food. Like two, like disturbingly,

Speaker 1 like it came back so fucking fast. The look on my face, Nate was fucking crying, laughing.

Speaker 1 And all I can say about the food is you shouldn't have to chew raw tuna. It should be like butter.

Speaker 1 Like melts in your mouth kind of thing. And I was chewing the shit out of it.

Speaker 1 So anyways, back to the fucking other place. You know, this is so stupid that I'm fucking shitting on the food there.

Speaker 1 When you're sitting in a fucking NASCAR that's been cut in half and they put a fucking booth in the middle of it, can you really complain about the food? Well, you know what?

Speaker 1 I have an hour to fill here, so I'm going to.

Speaker 1 So this poor woman who, you know, probably had some shitty dad and she ended up doing drugs, is trying to get her fucking order right.

Speaker 1 And, you know, the guy's walking around, mouthing the words, moving on over.

Speaker 1 And this guy in the corner starts eating this burger, dude. And I can't even tell the way he was fucking attacking this burger.

Speaker 1 I was crying, laughing. And I had to, you know, I had to do like that, you know, you know, when you're with somebody, and you're

Speaker 1 the person you're laughing at kind of catches you looking at him, and then you want your friend to look at him too, so you got to do like that kind of that stretch thing where you look back.

Speaker 1 Fortunately, there was a flat-screen TV above his head, and I just sort of like, without even like a ventriloquist, just like, just turn around, look at the TV. You know, did like one of those things.

Speaker 1 And, dude, the way this guy would have, he attacked this burger, like,

Speaker 1 he lunged at it. Rather than like, it was almost like

Speaker 1 someone else was holding it was the way he was trying to steal a bite of somebody else's burger. That's the way this guy was eating.

Speaker 1 Like his first bite into the burger, he fucking lunged at it so hard he hit himself in the face with like the lettuce.

Speaker 1 There's this big piece of like fucking romaine lettuce hanging off the side, whatever the fuck it was, iceberg lettuce.

Speaker 1 And when he lunged in at it, it like it fucking hit him in one of his eyes, and he had to stop and blink. And then he just fucking came up higher and just lunged at it again.

Speaker 1 He was eating it like a fucking Komodo dragon.

Speaker 1 You know, they just sort of fucking lunge at something and just saw and rip away. It was a, it was a fucking animal.

Speaker 1 And every time he would lunge at this thing, it was, was, I could not look at him, and I was crying, laughing.

Speaker 1 Of course, by three bites, he looked over and he caught me looking at him, laughing. And then I

Speaker 1 looked at Nate and I pointed at the menu like I was laughing, like, oh my god, they have chicken fingers. Isn't that hilarious? Like, I was trying to somehow get away from it.
But long story short,

Speaker 1 the grilled cheese was all right. The fucking wings were horrific, even when they were actually heated up.

Speaker 1 Um, they clearly made them hours ago, the way they came over fucking ice cold, and then they brought me some hot ones like three seconds later.

Speaker 1 And so the lady comes over and she picks up our check.

Speaker 1 She walks over the register, and in that short amount of time, she already forgot where we were sitting. And then when she came back, you know, Nate picked up the check.
She gave it back to me.

Speaker 1 It was just, it was fucking horrific, man.

Speaker 1 But other than that, Daytona Beach was beautiful. We did a show that night.
Everyone would be like, what are you shitting on fucking Daytona for? Because that's what I saw. I didn't know where to go.

Speaker 1 So, anyways,

Speaker 1 I played the,

Speaker 1 I want to say Peabody Theater.

Speaker 1 Because where I'm from, that's how you say it, Peabody. The Peabody Theater.

Speaker 1 It's like

Speaker 1 when you're in New York, it's Carnegie Hall. And when you're in Pittsburgh, it's Carnegie.

Speaker 1 All right? When you're in Massachusetts, it's Peabody.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 everywhere else, it's Peabody. So we played the Peabody Theater.
I had a great time. Did an hour and 20 minutes.
You know, all new shit.

Speaker 1 Shit that got left off of other hours. Just had a great fucking time.
The crowd was awesome. Got a bunch of heckles, but they were all great.

Speaker 1 I like that shit. I don't mind when people yell out.

Speaker 1 You know, to a point, I don't mind it. And I had a good time.
And I made a point of saying that because sometimes people in the crowd go, sorry for all the fucking heckles. I enjoy it.

Speaker 1 I don't mind a lively, drunk-ass crowd. I'm a fucking drunk.
Okay? And now that I've shit on everybody,

Speaker 1 you know, that I met basically in a 12-hour period in Daytona,

Speaker 1 let's talk about the, we went to the race the next day. And by the way, thank you to everybody who came out to the show.
I mean, it was such a big fucking event the next day.

Speaker 1 I mean, there should have been three people in the crowd. So the fact that it was sold out was fucking amazing.
So thank you to everybody. I will definitely be back,

Speaker 1 but I will not be eating at that fucking place with the cars that are sawed in half.

Speaker 1 So, anyways, plowing ahead here. So, the next day we go to the race, and we weren't really thinking that there's going to be 250,000 fucking people.

Speaker 1 That's like two and a half Rose Bowls all descending on the same fucking

Speaker 1 place. So,

Speaker 1 all the locals are going like, oh man, I'm just staying in tomorrow. That's going to be a shit show, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 And when I had driven from the airport, you know, when you get off, what's so fucking cool, when you get off at the airport, you can actually hear them racing, you know.

Speaker 1 I think there was a truck race or some shit like that. If you land, you know, I didn't get in till like fucking one in the morning or midnight, actually.
So the race was already over.

Speaker 1 But when Nate got there, you could hear him racing. You pull out, you can see the fucking Daytona International fucking speedway, which is amazing, right? Legendary place.

Speaker 1 And as you're driving by, there's all these fucking people in RVs and all that hanging out, waiting to go on the race. And dude, these these people do not fuck around.

Speaker 1 The way they were doing it up like is the way I wish we did it at the Rose Bowl. Like I've never seen so many like,

Speaker 1 I mean, legit, like you could, you could, like a rock star could tour in some of these fucking mobile homes.

Speaker 1 And the setups that they had and the fucking flat screen TVs. you know, on the outside with the generator and they had smokers going

Speaker 1 and everybody just having a great fucking time, waiting for this race to happen. And evidently, people who park on the infield can get there like something like a week or 10 days.

Speaker 1 They've just been in there.

Speaker 1 As these guys are fucking driving around

Speaker 1 the track, you know, getting ready to go to the race and all that, you know, testing out their cars and shit.

Speaker 1 qualifying for pole position or whatever the fuck it is that they're doing. These people are sitting there like, I mean,

Speaker 1 those are diehard fans, right?

Speaker 1 So we ended up calling a fucking Uber.

Speaker 1 The venue the night before hooked us up with this guy, this driver, and

Speaker 1 he knew all these backways to get there, which was a godsend. And he got us like right to where it says Daytona International Speedway.

Speaker 1 And Nate Bargatzi's like hooked up with some of those NASCAR guys, and they came by about 20 minutes later. picked us up in this little golf cart and just gave us the total VIP treatment.

Speaker 1 And this is the one thing I will say about NASCAR versus the NFL, is the level of

Speaker 1 fan access

Speaker 1 to all these different,

Speaker 1 you can walk right down onto Pitt Row. We were sitting on the track before the race, like a couple hours before the race, they let you go up there.

Speaker 1 Everybody was like taking pictures at the finish line. And

Speaker 1 one thing I couldn't believe was how fucking small it is.

Speaker 1 As far as the width of it. It's like these people will go three side by side, 200 miles an hour.
They're out of their minds.

Speaker 1 You got to be right down there on Pitt Row.

Speaker 1 I met Mario and Dreddy, got to shake his hand. And that was another thing, too.
Like just the array of famous people that were there.

Speaker 1 I guess the appeal of NASCAR was fucking nuts. Like you'd see Mario and Dreddy, which makes sense, race car driver.

Speaker 1 I saw Gronkowski,

Speaker 1 Guy Fieri.

Speaker 1 Who else?

Speaker 1 There was some fucking model, this gorgeous model there.

Speaker 1 Keanu Reeves,

Speaker 1 Ladanian Tomlson. It was just fucking, it was like all over the fucking map.
Then you'd see, like, oh, that guy, he's the senator of fucking, you know, whatever, South Carolina.

Speaker 1 And we got to go in and, you know, we got to sit in on like the driver's meeting and all of that, which is really fucking interesting.

Speaker 1 I thought it was just going to be the drivers and like four of us, but it was this giant fucking room where they let this whole crowd go into.

Speaker 1 It's just sitting there talking to the drivers, going, All right,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 there's been a lot of trying to bump guys off the track into the fucking stands. You got to stop doing that.
I mean, I don't know what, I didn't even know what they were saying.

Speaker 1 I was kind of sitting behind the guy, so I couldn't quite hear him. But,

Speaker 1 man, I can't imagine going to like a fucking

Speaker 1 any NFL game, and you got to hear the referees talking to the head coaches before the game. You know, the NFL is like the goddamn CIA.

Speaker 1 you can't get anywhere near anything so um we ended up uh

Speaker 1 watching the race from the infield

Speaker 1 and uh you know i knew some people there so we at one point we were with um the people from cisco brewery down on nantucket if you ever go to nantucket

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 crazy good beer and then they got this vodka they have like this blueberry vodka and cranberry vodka that your fucking lady's gonna love

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 we hung with them for a while and then we also were at this other fucking place and uh our view was absolutely insane it was a bunch of fucking

Speaker 1 i don't know crashes and cautions it's the fucking race took forever but um

Speaker 1 i don't know i can't i still can't believe that i got to go go to it but thank you to everybody at nascar for hooking us up and um

Speaker 1 i'm trying to remember who the fuck won was it kyle bush kyle bush won right i went there and i just rooted for fucking dale earnhardt junior jr You know, it's been so long since I watched NASCAR.

Speaker 1 I'm like, is Jeff Gordon still racing? It's like, nah, he's retired. Like, everybody I knew was gone.

Speaker 1 Like, I watched it big time in the early fucking 80s, late 70s, early 80s, when it was like Bobby Allenson,

Speaker 1 Kale Yarborough, Harry Gant, Richard Petty. I saw him win like his last Daytona 500 in like 81 or something.

Speaker 1 Then Kale Yarborough won it two years in a row. Then it was the Bill Elliott era.

Speaker 1 And I don't know, somewhere around there, I was trying to get through college, and I started doing stand-up, and I kind of lost touch with it. But I still paid attention

Speaker 1 right through the Dale Earnhardt years.

Speaker 1 And I don't know. I haven't watched it in a minute, but it's fucking amazing, dude.
The whole thing, it was just such an amazing experience. And I don't know.
Maybe I'll go to Talladega. Who knows?

Speaker 1 I think that one's in May. We'll see.
But the big thing I was excited about was the fact that

Speaker 1 I was able to do like an hour and 20 minutes and not bore people with shit that they'd already heard before. So,

Speaker 1 you know, know, that's like the big fear

Speaker 1 when you go back out on the road after you had a special come out: you're like, all right, how do I fucking do a bunch of new shit without fucking these people over?

Speaker 1 Sorry, I'm adjusting the microphone here. Without fucking these people over

Speaker 1 and them still thinking that I was funny, especially after going on after Nate Bargazzi, who, by the way, is

Speaker 1 one of like six people that got half hours on

Speaker 1 Netflix. I think Netflix is trying to do like the HBO one-night stands.

Speaker 1 So he was running his ready-to-tape special in front of me, and that guy's one of the best joke writers I know, and he fucking murdered.

Speaker 1 So I was relieved that I was able to go on after him and have a good time. So, anyways, is it time?

Speaker 1 Yeah, how about a little bit of advertising here, everybody? All right.

Speaker 1 Where are we?

Speaker 1 Wondery. What the fuck is this stuff?

Speaker 1 Never heard of this one. Wondery.

Speaker 1 Here's a podcast you should listen to. Wait a minute.
Somebody else's podcast is advertising on my podcast. Yeah, don't listen to my podcast.
Listen to this one. All right.

Speaker 1 One, oh, I remember this shit. This one's actually sounded cool.
All right.

Speaker 1 Secrets, crimes, and audio tape. It's a podcast that has a different story every week.

Speaker 1 This week's story is called This Is Not a Banksy.

Speaker 1 It's about a guy who wakes up in the morning and realizes Banksy drew on his ass.

Speaker 1 Who the fuck is Banksy? He gets it tattooed, and now people want to collect his ass. It doesn't go well.

Speaker 1 It has high production values. It's funny, and Mario Lopez is the guest star.
Go listen to it. All right.
This is why I like that podcast.

Speaker 1 It's because it sounds different, and also the copy was nice and short. Is Banksy,

Speaker 1 he's an artist, right? I only know this because Nia's into all that shit. Let me look this fucking up.
So he drew on somebody's ass, and then he had it tattooed.

Speaker 1 And now what?

Speaker 1 Who the fuck is Banksy? Banksy is an anonymous English-based graffiti artist, political activist, and film director. Well, if he's anonymous, how come they know who he is?

Speaker 1 Of unverified identity. Oh, there you go.
There's satirical street art and subversive. Well, then, how the fuck did this guy know Banksy drew on his ass?

Speaker 1 Man, he's got great work.

Speaker 1 I'm going to judge him on the two that are on his Wikipedia page. Ah, these are amazing.
What a talented son of a bitch. He must be really shy.

Speaker 1 So he does this in England.

Speaker 1 What if it's somebody from the royal family? And the reason why they don't say it is because, you know, graffiti is looked down upon by the

Speaker 1 aristocrats. You know, stop drawing on our buildings.

Speaker 1 Maybe that's who it is. So I guess he drew on somebody's ass,

Speaker 1 Somebody who knows him well.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm surprised the Illuminati doesn't kidnap that dude and his ass and goes, tell me who the fuck Banksy is.

Speaker 1 Tell me who Banksy is, or I'll fucking scalp your ass and that painting. And then your ass won't work and it won't be worth shit.
How about that? No pun intended. All right,

Speaker 1 let me select all of this and then delete it

Speaker 1 so I can get to the fucking questions for this week. Dollar Shave Club, which was the first one.
The first one was the Banksy.

Speaker 1 Banksy fucking tattooed my ass.

Speaker 1 Alright, oh by the way everybody, I mentioned lately that I'm going to be starting to post some videos up to my YouTube, my YouTube page.

Speaker 1 I'm going to a bunch of videos from the Daytona 500 I'm going to have

Speaker 1 at www.youtube.com slash user slash Monday morning podcast.

Speaker 1 I'm going to give the fucking video to my guy this week. He's going to edit it and get the shit up there, okay? I'll tweet about it when it gets up there.

Speaker 1 All right, so speaking of stamps, I bought some stamps today. I did not use stamps.com.
I was driving from Daytona Beach up here to Gainesville, and rather than going like the highway way,

Speaker 1 I took the longer route because I want to see some shit, right?

Speaker 1 Like going by this fucking

Speaker 1 My brother told me it's called folk art, I guess. I drove by this woman's house or this guy's house.

Speaker 1 I don't know why I thought it was a woman, woman, but you know, it had like a giant Tyrannosaurus Rex,

Speaker 1 a fucking bull like kicking its legs up, like all these giant

Speaker 1 things that you can put on your fucking lawn. I guess I don't know what.
All this crazy stuff. You don't see that when you take 75 North.

Speaker 1 It's just going to be a bunch of RBs. We got the meats.
It's going to be the same fucking 10 chains in a goddamn Walmart. I've seen that a zillion times.

Speaker 1 But if you take the old school, the fucking Route 66 Jack Kerouac ways, it takes longer, but you see a bunch of cool shit.

Speaker 1 So I was fucking driving along there, and I came upon a post office, and lo and behold,

Speaker 1 I had a bill that I needed to pay, and I didn't have a fucking stamp.

Speaker 1 So I fucking pull in, and the locals are in there, and I'm listening to this guy tell this fucking hilarious story.

Speaker 1 First of all, I love the pace of it, too. I love the pace of a small town where I don't give a shit that this guy's telling the story.
He's such a fucking character. I'm enjoying it.

Speaker 1 I'm already second in line because there's nobody fucking there, right? And he's telling this story about how somebody cut him off,

Speaker 1 you know, and is not driving too fast.

Speaker 1 So then the woman behind the counter then tells her story about how she was doing 50 and someone pulled out in front of her and her son and her son blew the horn.

Speaker 1 And when they pulled up next to him at a red light, the guy fucking had a, had a pistol, and he fucking just brought it up, looking at him, like, you know, pointing at the ceiling of his car.

Speaker 1 He just sort of brought it up like that.

Speaker 1 And then the guy's like, he goes, you can't do that. Can't do that.
All right, that's a terrorist act. That's brandishing, brandishing a weapon.
They just started talking about brandishing a weapon.

Speaker 1 You can't do that. That'll make somebody want to, you know,

Speaker 1 do some sort of self-defense is what they were saying. And I was just like, this is fucking crazy out here.

Speaker 1 But actually, I think that they said that that happened up in

Speaker 1 Charlotte or something like that. I guess the road rage is off the fucking chains in Charlotte, North Carolina.
That's what I love about a small town. I never would have heard that.
You know? know?

Speaker 1 This fucking guy with his white Uncle Jesse beard telling a story, brandishing a weapon.

Speaker 1 And I was just sitting there totally, not even giving a fuck that I was standing in line at the post office, completely enjoying this story and praying to God that this guy then took out his weapon.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 I wanted to see where this was going to go next. But, you know, they didn't say anything like, I should have got his license plate and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 That's why I stay off the 75 North because I never would have heard that, you know?

Speaker 1 If I stayed on the 75 North, I would have heard, you know, can I get the fucking, can I get a double cheeseburger with the fucking blue, blah, blah, blah? I don't want to hear that shit.

Speaker 1 Oh, I know a lot of you guys are expecting me to talk about the Oscars, but I didn't watch them.

Speaker 1 Okay, I don't watch award shows unless I'm home. If I'm home,

Speaker 1 then

Speaker 1 my wife's watching them, and then I watch them with her. Because I like making fun of them while she watches them because it makes her mad.
She doesn't get mad, mad, but she gets like upset.

Speaker 1 But I heard about

Speaker 1 the big fucking thing there in the end where Warren Beatty came out and he's like, the winner for the best picture 2017 goes to La La Land.

Speaker 1 And evidently the poor people from La La Land went up there, were two speeches in before they realized that it was actually going to Moonlight,

Speaker 1 starring Sybil Shepard and Bruce Willis, I believe.

Speaker 1 I don't know what the fuck happened. All I know is once I heard that that happened, I didn't want to watch it.
You know, I don't like watching people like that level of fucking awkwardness, you know,

Speaker 1 and just seeing Warren Beatty be that fucking old.

Speaker 1 I just realized his last fucking name was what that fucking robot was saying on close encounters, not close encounters.

Speaker 1 What was that stupid fucking sh- Buck Rogers, where they had that little stupid fucking robot go beatty, beatty, beady, beady. Is he saying Beatty? Beatty, Beatty, Beatty, BD.

Speaker 1 That was this stupid, like somebody came up with, somebody was sitting in a fucking writer's room.

Speaker 1 And they're like, all right, Star Wars is all the rage. We got to somehow make money off of this.
All right, we're going to do Buck Rogers. That doesn't seem that bad.

Speaker 1 I mean, it was around before Star Wars. And one of the things, we got to have like an R2-D2

Speaker 1 and a C-3PO. And the network's like, well, we're not fucking ironing two actors.
It's going to be too expensive. Combine both characters and stick a fucking midget in that goddamn suit.
Right?

Speaker 1 It's like, all right.

Speaker 1 Well, C-3PO is kind of a fucking smart cunt with an English accent. All right, well, just have this thing be a moron.

Speaker 1 It just, it has a catchphrase.

Speaker 1 I don't know, what's the catchphrase? Well, you fucking come up with it. And the writers are probably so pissed.

Speaker 1 All right, let's just come up with the dumbest shit we can possibly say and see what this fucking industry person says. All right, he's a little fucking,

Speaker 1 he looks like a little kid George Washington, but he's painted all silver and he's made out of metal.

Speaker 1 And before he talks, he walks around and he goes, beady, beady, beady, beady.

Speaker 1 You know, and then they just sat there and they kept a fucking straight face. And that's one of those moments in life.

Speaker 1 You know, when you throw it on the table,

Speaker 1 you know, you're looking at that person, they're looking at you, and it becomes one of those moments where whoever talks first loses. And you just fucking wait it out.

Speaker 1 And then the fucking person goes, all right, yeah, go with that. They're like, great, awesome.
Let's go do some cocaine. It's not fucking addicting, right? It's fucking the late 70s.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so

Speaker 1 I didn't see any of it.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I know I got a bunch of tweets. Can't wait to hear your take on the Oscars.
I did not see it. What I did see was that the fucking Boston Bruins won again.

Speaker 1 Won again. And all my fucking whining about whining about

Speaker 1 them getting rid of Chloe Julian.

Speaker 1 According to Bob Beers, the Bruins are playing much looser and more confident under Bruce Cassidy. Sorry, did I say Butcher? Bruce Cassidy.

Speaker 1 So with the new man on the bench, the Boston Bruins look like a new team.

Speaker 1 The B's are six and one since Bruce Cassidy took over as interim coach, averaging four goals per game while scoring the first and six of those contests.

Speaker 1 They exploded for six goals in Sunday's matinee win over the stars, but the stars suck this year. And

Speaker 1 98.5, the Sports Hub Bruins analyst Bob Beards says he's seen a much looser and more confident team.

Speaker 1 take the ice since Cassidy took over for Chloe Julian.

Speaker 1 They have a little more leash and a little more freedom to to make some plays, not to the point where they're being reckless or carried away, leaving themselves exposed at the other end, but they're encouraged to play more offensively.

Speaker 1 I got to tell you, man, they've been playing great. So I don't know what it is.
So, you know, I guess I was wrong.

Speaker 1 I still think Chloe Julian's a fucking great coach. What are you going to do? Maybe everybody needed a change.
You know, maybe that's what it is.

Speaker 1 Like you stay with the same person for a while, you just get sick of them. You know, and this is like the new girlfriend.
You're all excited.

Speaker 1 You can go all the old places, but it's new for the both of you to go there. I don't know.
Well, all I know is it's fucking working. And I absolutely loved,

Speaker 1 loved

Speaker 1 the Boston Celtics not making a move before the trade deadline. I think that was fucking genius.

Speaker 1 It would have been so fucking stupid to give up draft picks and some players that we had.

Speaker 1 You know that they were going to want like Marcus Smart and fucking Jay Crowder and a bunch of draft picks at the very least. We were going to have to fucking give up that to bring in who?

Speaker 1 Camelo Anthony?

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 He's going to tell fucking everybody to clear out and then not get back on D. You don't need that shit.

Speaker 1 And even if he got us past the Cavaliers, nobody's beating the fucking Warriors this year, or we're certainly not. You give up all of that shit to do what? Come in second place instead of fourth?

Speaker 1 Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck?

Speaker 1 This is the Boston Celtics. We got to win another championship.
The Lakers are lying about the amount of fucking

Speaker 1 championships they have. They padded their resume with one.
We need to win another one. Put a little distance between them.

Speaker 1 And I think this fucking move right here, being patient enough to just say, nope, we're staying the goddamn course. We got all these draft picks.
You know, who knows?

Speaker 1 Maybe that kid from Duke comes out.

Speaker 1 Tatum.

Speaker 1 Maybe he's one and done. Who knows? You know, they got that.
Who's that other kid? Some kid on Kansas? I guess he's like a point guard or something like that. I don't know what the fuck we need.

Speaker 1 I don't know shit about basketball, but I love not giving in to the stupid pressure that you're supposed to make a move, you know,

Speaker 1 that'll make you better in the short run. But fuck you, fuck over all the work you've been doing over the last three, four years.
So, Danny Age.

Speaker 1 Danny Age. Love it.
Absolutely love it. All right, let's do some reads for this week because

Speaker 1 I'm actually going to drive down to Tampa tonight and I'm going to go

Speaker 1 to the fucking Tampa Bay Lightning versus the fucking Ottawa Senators game tonight.

Speaker 1 Never been to a game there. We'll see how it is.
All right, four Reads. All right, this is what I got here.
Oh, four Reads was the advertising. It's not four questions.
Let me get rid of that.

Speaker 1 Okay, boyfriend birthday gift.

Speaker 1 Hey there, Billy, birthday boy. My boyfriend, my man, recently celebrated a birthday, and I contemplated for weeks what I would get him.

Speaker 1 After listening to many podcast episodes, I picked up on your advice to freshly single men.

Speaker 1 Get yourself all the sports packages. I took old Billy Boy's advice and bought my guy a subscription for NHL TV.
Holy shit, you're a fucking angel.

Speaker 1 For the remainder of the hockey season, parentheses, go pens. That's great, too.
So

Speaker 1 his team is a contender, so it'll be fun to watch. And NFL's Sunday ticket for the upcoming football season.
He's beyond thrilled. Of course, he is.

Speaker 1 Thanks for the laughs, and most importantly, thanks for the birthday suggestion. All right, ladies, did you hear that?

Speaker 1 You know what's great about all of that shit? Is it's so fucking easy to do. That's one phone call.
You don't have to go out and go shop. You don't have to go get something fucking engraved.

Speaker 1 It's perfect. And if anybody wants to outdo this woman, you know what you do? Is you get him the perfect chair to sit there and watch.
You know? And then what you do is you get life insurance.

Speaker 1 And as he slowly eats and drinks himself to death watching all these sports, you know, you're going to win either way.

Speaker 1 Either he's going to be around and he's going to be this big, lovable fucking, you know, grizzly bear over there watching his games, or he's going to fucking die and you're going to get paid.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 There you go. Good for you.
That's a great gift. I would love that.

Speaker 1 I would be thrilled with that gift. All right.
Who versus whom?

Speaker 1 A little aristocrat fucking conversation here.

Speaker 1 The actual rule, I always get these confused, and I love that you guys are going to fucking help me out here, because I actually used whom the other day.

Speaker 1 Somebody told me that when you use who, as if you could substitute it with he or she. But if you're talking about a they or us

Speaker 1 or a soliloquy, then you use whom. I don't know.
Anyways, he said the actual rule to use who with the subject and whom.

Speaker 1 Oh, the actual rule is to use who with the subject and whom with the object.

Speaker 1 So it's the subject subject like a person?

Speaker 1 No, I don't I'll never get this down.

Speaker 1 It's like lie versus lay.

Speaker 1 The baby on the bed lies down, but when you put the baby on the bed, the baby is laid down.

Speaker 1 All right, like, how is that supposed to help me?

Speaker 1 All right, let's try to figure out the subject and the object. Oh my god, I'm gonna start fucking hyperventilating.
This takes me back to high school.

Speaker 1 They call on you, like, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Just give me a fucking zero.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. How many fucking times you gotta call on me? I don't know the answer before you figure out.
You call on somebody else.

Speaker 1 Quarterback keeps throwing to somebody, they keep dropping the ball. They go to somebody else.
You fucking idiot. Punt.
All right, the baby on the bed lies down.

Speaker 1 All right, so the baby is the subject.

Speaker 1 Is the bed the object?

Speaker 1 But when you put the baby on the bed, that's an object. The baby is laid down.
All right, well, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 Who laid the baby down versus Billy Blue Balls laid whom down?

Speaker 1 All right, I got to slow down. Who laid the baby down?

Speaker 1 Who laid the baby down? You did, you did. Shoot that poison arrow through my heart.

Speaker 1 Shoot that poison arrow. Thank you.
Good night.

Speaker 1 Took me back. I always sing that song to Nia, and I always say, Whoever sings that fucking song, you know that they close with it, and then that's how they end that song.

Speaker 1 That's how they end it. They go, Shoot that poison arrow through my heart,

Speaker 1 shoot that poison arrow, thank you, good night.

Speaker 1 You know, the surprise ending. Oh, I thought you were gonna go through my heart again, but you didn't.
All right, so who laid the baby down?

Speaker 1 All right,

Speaker 1 versus Billy Balls laid whom down.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Who laid the baby? Okay, so if I went like

Speaker 1 who drank all this fucking beer,

Speaker 1 Billy Blue Balls

Speaker 1 was whom drank all the beer.

Speaker 1 I can't fucking do it.

Speaker 1 Who drank all this beer? How come I can't plug that in?

Speaker 1 All right, well, somebody says something about a baby. I have a baby in my life, so I have a chance that I can at least get that one right.

Speaker 1 Oh, Jesus, sent right back down to the minors.

Speaker 1 Once again, he grounds into an inning-ending double play. Fucking kill that goddamn dream.

Speaker 1 I don't understand.

Speaker 1 I just don't fucking get this. It has been explained to me 50 million times.
I never understood how fucking planes flew.

Speaker 1 And then I got my pilot's license, and they were able to fucking explain it to me.

Speaker 1 Who laid the baby down

Speaker 1 versus Billy Blue Balls laid whom down?

Speaker 1 Alright.

Speaker 1 So I'm the subject in the first one.

Speaker 1 And then what? The baby becomes an object? Like, are you talking shit about my kid here? Billy Blue Balls laid whom down.

Speaker 1 The actual rule is to use who with the subject and whom with the object.

Speaker 1 So I'm more important than my kids, so I'm the object here.

Speaker 1 I'm the subject.

Speaker 1 But then that doesn't make any sense because a king has subjects, and they have to do whatever the fuck he tells them.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you right now, I don't feel any closer to

Speaker 1 the finish line than I was. Jesus.

Speaker 1 The amount of empathy that I have for all the fucking teachers in my life, that this is the fucking putty they're trying to mold into something.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 You know what's great? For Great Barrier Reef, for fuck's sakes, Bill, stop saying the Great Barrier Reef is dying. Get your pasty white ranger arse down here.
Get in the water and have a look for it.

Speaker 1 It's not dying. Yeah, it is, you cunt.
What are you, a scientist? I'm going by what the fucking scientists are saying.

Speaker 1 And I wanted to go fucking snorkeling over there. They said, you better do it now because they're not going to let people go there much longer.

Speaker 1 If you don't know what a ranger is, that we Aussies call red-headed fucks like you.

Speaker 1 Ranger being short for orangutan.

Speaker 1 Oh, isn't that cute? Well, you know what? Maybe you can say that to me next time I come down there and do a fucking show. All right, why don't you do that? I don't give a fuck.
You think I give a fuck

Speaker 1 what some cunt lives at the bottom of the fucking world with like three-quarters of your goddamn country you can't even go to?

Speaker 1 The entire middle of that fucking content is you continent you can't even live there

Speaker 1 what else do you do on australia day do you drive around in your poor excuse for a fucking el Camino

Speaker 1 um anyways

Speaker 1 oh that's he's one of those fucking guys it's fine it's still fucking there you know I'm gonna look this shit up right now

Speaker 1 All right, Great Barrier Reef. Let me see what I get.
Let me guess. Because it doesn't agree with you, then it's going to be fake news.
Great Barrier Reef dead.

Speaker 1 The Great Barrier Reef is not actually dead, CNN. Dramatic.

Speaker 1 What about dying? Let me see, dying.

Speaker 1 Dying, ya, ying. Let me see, dying.

Speaker 1 Corals are dying on the Great Barrier Reef. Scientists have discovered an unprecedented die-off of the world's largest reef.
The Great Barrier Reef prompt. Yeah, there you go, right there, okay?

Speaker 1 Great Barrier Reef not dying. Australia insists.
Oh, I get it. This is your big tourist attraction.
This is your Ferris wheel.

Speaker 1 So you want people to keep flying down there so they can jump on the water with a bunch of great white sharks because there's nothing to see on land down there because three quarters of your fucking country is unlivable.

Speaker 1 And God knows if you go out there, it's so fucking unlivable. That's why the snakes and everything down there is so fucking poisonous.
Because there's such a lack of food.

Speaker 1 That that a snake if it just grazes somebody they got to make it count because God knows they're not going to see anything else edible for fucking weeks

Speaker 1 Australia insists that it's not fucking dying. I love it.
Okay, well, that's fucking credible. That's how you make all your money.

Speaker 1 All those fucking cunts going down there in their scuba gear because they learned how to hold their breath and breathe underwater in a fucking swimming pool and they got themselves a little scuba card and now they're going to go into God's swimming pool, a fucking ocean.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 1 That's got all this shit that can kill. Oh my God.

Speaker 1 That's what it is. Okay, I get it.
I'm sorry. I was fucking with your tourist attraction.

Speaker 1 That would be like you guys down there saying that you can't go up into the arm of the Statue of Liberty anymore. It's going to snap off.

Speaker 1 It is dying, you stupid fuck.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 1 All right. Anyways, I absolutely believe that it is.
Why wouldn't it be? All this shit that we're doing? Why would everything else is fucking dying?

Speaker 1 Everything else is completely fucked, but that isn't.

Speaker 1 Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong.
Let me, you know what? I actually looked it up. Let me look up not dying.
Let's see what this said. Great Barrier Reef.

Speaker 1 But if this is all from fucking Australia, I'm not buying it. Great Barrier Reef, not

Speaker 1 in danger.

Speaker 1 Give me a big picture of fucking Trump scuba diving. The Great Barrier Reef, not, quote, in danger.

Speaker 1 Tourism and mining groups have welcomed a whatever recommendation that the Great Barrier Reef be left off the World Heritage in Danger.

Speaker 1 Yeah, touring, tourism, mining, these people all make money off it.

Speaker 1 Should the Great Barrier Reef be listed as in danger?

Speaker 1 UNESCO Great Barrier Reef is not in danger but needs care. UN

Speaker 1 experts say Great Barrier Reef is not. Yeah, this is all because you're not making money off of it.

Speaker 1 Great Barrier Reef outlook poor, but not in danger. This is like what you guys are doing with the Great Barrier Reef now is what we do with our food supply.

Speaker 1 You know, it's not the best for you, but it doesn't necessarily cause cancer.

Speaker 1 And you know what, buddy? I hope you're right. I hope you're right.
I hope it isn't. But I know good and goddamn well that you're not a fucking scientist.
I know I'm not a scientist.

Speaker 1 And I know that scientists say that it is fucking dying. But anybody from what I just did, my research for 30 seconds, was anybody that makes money off of it says that it isn't.
So I don't know.

Speaker 1 If you can write me back with a fucking scientist or some sort of fucking group of them, that don't make money off it, are not getting paid to say that it's fucking dying,

Speaker 1 it's not dying, then I'll believe it, okay? So whatever. I'm still fucking open-minded.

Speaker 1 All right, Obama news censorship.

Speaker 1 Hey, Mr. Bill, Bill Burr, I have listened to the past couple of podcasts where some of your listeners have messaged in about Obama's supposed censoring of news media.

Speaker 1 And after a bit of further research, it seems like they're most likely inaccurate or just wrong.

Speaker 1 Now, let me ask you this, sir, because I looked it up, okay, and from what I could tell, it was accurate.

Speaker 1 But what I'm guessing is you're an Obama fan, so now you're going to tell me this is fake news. Now you just saw where I was able to look up shit where it said it was dying and then it isn't dying.

Speaker 1 And it's just all what you choose to believe, right?

Speaker 1 While the bill is real, the conclusion that it would cause the shutdown and silencing of dissenting opinions seems incorrect.

Speaker 1 It's supposed to find the identity when foreign countries are involved in spreading propaganda to allow U.S. news sites to know where information is coming from.

Speaker 1 I have a liberal bias and am probably overlooking some things. Oh, there you go.
This guy's an adult. Okay, you know what? I take back everything I said.

Speaker 1 But it seems like that the bill is not nearly as bad as certain sites are making it out to be, which I would agree with, because that's going to be the Fox News people.

Speaker 1 Thanks for the podcast and the latest special.

Speaker 1 This is what I would guess. which is obviously a total guess because I'm a fucking moron.

Speaker 1 I'm guessing it's not as bad as people on the right are saying it is, but I am definitely of the belief that there's always that wiggle room in there that, you know, as they're preventing something, you know, that everybody wants to be prevented, which would be

Speaker 1 propaganda from our fucking enemies, which I actually don't even think is that bad.

Speaker 1 I'm not against hearing their take on things,

Speaker 1 but it would also allow them, it's kind of like, you know, after 9-11,

Speaker 1 where it was just like, we need to listen, we need to be able to listen in on people's phone conversations.

Speaker 1 But if you're not doing anything wrong, you know, it's not a fucking bomb, you know, it's this is just for terrorists. And then it just becomes a way for them to spy on you even more.

Speaker 1 And then years later, you see that whole fucking Snowden thing, and he's taken off,

Speaker 1 basically saying, I'm not going to help you guys build this thing.

Speaker 1 The greatest nerd of all time is that Snowden guy, you know, as opposed to those other fucking pussies who just keep fucking, you know.

Speaker 1 I've always said it, you know, total psychos, like a complete psycho has no fucking power, you know, without nerds. Nerds give them the ability to be a psycho on a psycho on a fucking global level.

Speaker 1 Okay, it's as nuts as Trump is, as nuts as fucking Hillary is, as nuts as fucking Bush, as nuts as all these fucking lunatics are.

Speaker 1 They're not shit without nerds creating the technology for them to, you know,

Speaker 1 go psycho on a global fucking level.

Speaker 1 I mean, if it wasn't for fucking nerds,

Speaker 1 we'd still be attacking each other with sticks.

Speaker 1 You know, I couldn't figure out how to make a gun.

Speaker 1 All right, lost my 401k. Hey, Bill.

Speaker 1 Well, to cut to the chase, I'm 51 years old, divorced. Son is in jail for hitting his mother, who is a lunatic.
Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 And I received a $49,000 settlement and blew it all on the California lottery.

Speaker 1 This can't be real. I really feel like throwing in the towel.
Can you tell me what you would do if you were in my awful shoes?

Speaker 1 All right, if this is even remotely real,

Speaker 1 let's see, it's probably fake, but whatever.

Speaker 1 But other people have completely fucked up their lives, so I'll talk to them. And you, sir, if you're actually telling the truth.

Speaker 1 The biggest thing you got going for yourself is you know that you're a moron and you've fucked up your life.

Speaker 1 So I would sit down and I would look at the decisions that I've made, figured out why I made those fucking decisions.

Speaker 1 I refuse to believe that you're dumb enough to get $49,000 and spend all of it on the California lottery. I would think that some of it went to Bear,

Speaker 1 some of them went to Wade. Come on.
Some of you get $49,000. You didn't get yourself a new truck.
Come on.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Can you tell me what you would do if you were in my awful shoes? I would get a fucking job, first of all.
I would stay away from,

Speaker 1 I'd stay away from your ex-wife

Speaker 1 your son's in jail for hitting your mother so that would mean he's of age

Speaker 1 so you're not paying any child support

Speaker 1 so maybe there's some alimony

Speaker 1 I don't know I try to teach my son not to hit my mother I mean I'm

Speaker 1 not to hit his mother

Speaker 1 I don't dude you you got you you got water coming in from all sides here I don't know what to tell you.

Speaker 1 If you get money, I would save it rather than gamble it away.

Speaker 1 But you're only 51 years old, dude.

Speaker 1 This is what I would do.

Speaker 1 I would start P90Xing, get a little bit of fucking self-esteem, and have a little more belief in yourself that you can make it other than trying to do a fucking 9zillion to 1 shot,

Speaker 1 which you tried to cut down to

Speaker 1 49,000 shots at a billion to one.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, I don't know what to tell you, man. I think you're going to be fine.
You're 51 years old. You know,

Speaker 1 you've still got some years ahead of you, but I would just

Speaker 1 throw my fucking money away like that. I mean, I don't know how to give you advice if you blew all your money on lottery tickets, but I don't want you to throw in the towel.
You know what I would do?

Speaker 1 I would write a fucking book.

Speaker 1 Stare into it.

Speaker 1 You know, like there's the comics, comic, you might be the loser's loser. Write a fucking book about it.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 Or make some YouTube videos and just tell your fucking story. Get some advertising, right? Maybe you can make a little bit of money that way.
Shit, it's easy to make $49,000 off the fucking internet.

Speaker 1 There's enough people that people love people failing.

Speaker 1 Who the fuck's failed more than you? Turn it around. Turn that failing into a fucking positive.
Tell your fucking story. Start going around to schools telling people what not to do.

Speaker 1 I don't know what you should do, but don't do what I did, right? That's like country lyrics. They're always doing that shit.

Speaker 1 Like, I was thinking on the drive over here,

Speaker 1 talking about this person in front of me who's driving so slow. I was like, Jesus Christ, you got all the time in the world.
I'm like, that's such like a country lyric that they would flip around.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 I got all the time in the world, and I don't want to go on living. You know, you say it's a juxtaposition there.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 It's like I got all this time in my hands, but I don't want any time because

Speaker 1 my woman left me or something like that, right? It's like when a fucking bull wants to fuck a cow, but ain't nothing around but a pig. You know what I mean? It's one of those type of things.

Speaker 1 I would just stare into it, sir.

Speaker 1 I would turn it into entertaining stories and somehow tell them. But I'm also a comedian.
That's what the fuck I would do. Other than that, I would stay away from your ex-wife and...

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't know what to do with your son.

Speaker 1 Try to set a better example

Speaker 1 by not blowing all your money on lottery tickets. Maybe that's the thing.
I don't know. Sorry you're in that situation if you actually are.
All right. Text sent to the wrong person at work.
Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 1 This is never good.

Speaker 1 Dear Billy Graham Cracker Tits,

Speaker 1 I never thought I'd be in a situation where I needed to write into you like this. But here I am in a pinch.
For the last couple of years,

Speaker 1 certain people at my work have been getting very relaxed with their work ethic and punctuality. So much so that another co-worker and I have written an album of songs about its absurdity.

Speaker 1 Since our office is, well, maybe you can write a song about the guy who just wrote in above me.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 You guys, you know, and then you go on American Idol. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Anyway, since ours is an office of about 10 people, everybody's job directly relates to everyone else's, and it puts extra strain on the rest of us.

Speaker 1 Recently, two of the worst offenders, both ladies, not that it matters, have actually, but I mentioned it,

Speaker 1 have actually gotten promotions for some reason. With that said, this morning, I noticed one of the ladies accomplished a, quote, task in our project manager

Speaker 1 to bring food to an office potluck lunch.

Speaker 1 Being the snarky asshole I am, I took a screenshot to send to my like-minded like-minded coworker with the text,

Speaker 1 quote, think, and then the person's name, is going a little overboard here. Somehow she only creates to-dos she can get done.
Can't get shit done for work, but for food, the bitch is all over it.

Speaker 1 When I didn't hear back from him after 10 minutes, I felt this first wave of panic. I knew it immediately.
The text had been sent to the lady.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because what happens is you're thinking about that person and you're thinking about their name.

Speaker 1 And oh my god, we've all done this completely flustered i sent a flurry of apology texts but she didn't respond all this was happening around 8 30 which is when people are supposed to arrive this worker usually shows up around 9 45 or 10 but that's beside the point well can you unsend the text

Speaker 1 I don't know, does some nerd know how to do that? Anyways, after I didn't hear from her, I checked the calendar and saw that she was on vacation for the next 10 days. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 But I know she got the text, and now I'm worried about what she thinks and whether it's going to be weird in the office. What do I do? She's not a bad person.
Oh, and you called her a bitch, too.

Speaker 1 And I have to work with her regularly. Before realizing she was out, I already bought flowers and put them on her desk in order to cover the stench of my own failure.
No, dude, you can't.

Speaker 1 Because she knows what you really think.

Speaker 1 I'm guessing I shouldn't leave them there and let her come back to dead flowers either. Congratulations on your baby girl and of course your latest special.
Sincerely, I done fucked up.

Speaker 1 Where is she on vacation? And is there a way to unsend all of those text messages? That's what I would try to do over the next 10 days. I would not apologize anymore.
I would not give flowers.

Speaker 1 And this is what you got to do, dude. You got to fucking man up.
And when she calls you out on it, be like, yep, I was, I'm not going to tell you who I was sending it to.

Speaker 1 Don't rat out the other person on any fucking level. Do not rat out the other person, you piece of shit, if you do it.
Do not rat them out.

Speaker 1 I would actually say, I was actually sending it to this girl I know who doesn't work here. Okay, just say that.

Speaker 1 And I always bitch to her about people at work. And when she calls you out, I would just say, listen.

Speaker 1 You know what? No sense sugarcoating it. You're supposed to be here at 8.30.
You show up at 9.45, 10 o'clock. You're dogging it.
You're setting a bad example. And I like working hard.

Speaker 1 And that text came from the frustration of watching you working, setting the example of not working up to your potential. It makes it a bad experience out here.
So that's why I did it.

Speaker 1 And if you're mad at me, I understand.

Speaker 1 But, you know, I stand by that text message. I shouldn't have called you a bitch.
I was just saying that the way, you know, Richard Pryor says it. I was just trying to be funny.
But, you know,

Speaker 1 you showing up an hour and 15 to an hour and a half late every day is not good for the morale around the office.

Speaker 1 That's where that came from.

Speaker 1 So, there you go. And I'm sorry I sent it to you, but you know,

Speaker 1 that's it. Fuck it.

Speaker 1 Fuck it. That's the only card you got to play.

Speaker 1 Be like, yeah, I sent it.

Speaker 1 Although you did fucking put your hat in your hand. and apologize.

Speaker 1 Oh boy. Can you please write back and let me know how it pans out? I'd love to know.
All right. With that, that is the podcast for this week.

Speaker 1 I'll check in on you on Thursday. And this time next week, I will be in Phoenix, Arizona, doing two shows a night at a Comodi Club, also known as a comedy club,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 be fucking polishing up this fucking hour so I can go on the road and not embarrass myself like this guy did with his text message. You poor bastards, we've all been there.
And you know what?

Speaker 1 Even the lady that you're writing to, I bet she's done it too.

Speaker 1 But she's letting you squirm.

Speaker 1 Or she's in Aruba or she's someplace where she didn't get the text message and maybe you can undo it. Maybe you can fucking undo what was already done.

Speaker 1 This is another fucking movie.

Speaker 1 This is a fucking movie. This is like weekend at Bernie's meets Steve Jobs fucking one of those things.
Remember he used to walk out and be like, look, now you can swipe texts.

Speaker 1 And everybody's like, oh my God.

Speaker 1 Right? That's what you do.

Speaker 1 If you get fired, sir, you should write a fucking script.

Speaker 1 Write a fucking script about somebody who sent the wrong text message to their boss. Send a text message to the wrong person.
That person's on vacation. Okay?

Speaker 1 And then eventually you're going to have to fly down there, you know?

Speaker 1 That you can co-star with the guy with the eyes. He always did the eyes thing that he got from fucking Al Pacino.
What was the name of that actor? He was in about last, Andrew McCarthy, right?

Speaker 1 You guys, maybe he can fucking executive produce it.

Speaker 1 See that?

Speaker 1 That's the great thing about entertainment. No matter how bad you fuck up, it makes the more you fuck up in your personal life, the more material you get as a comedian, you get a script out of it.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 You don't sound fulfilled. Maybe, maybe you could be a script writer.
All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves, your cunts, and I'll talk to you on Thursday.