NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
Woo, woo, woo. Yeah, yeah.
What's going on? How are you? Hope you're having a good week. Hope everything's going good your way and whatnot.
I have an exciting announcement

the 12th annual Patrice O'Neill

comedy benefit will be

Sunday and whatnot. I have an exciting announcement.
The 12th annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit will be Sunday, May 18th, as always, at the New York City Center, which is 131 West 55th Street between 6th and 7th Avenue. New York City doors open at 7 p.m.
Show starts at 7.30 p.m. The lineup is Rosebud Baker, Greer Barnes, D.C.
Benny, Tim Dillon. I hope I say this name right.
Nemesh Patel, Sean Patel. So funny.
That's a big last name in Glengarry Glen Ross. Patel, Sean Patton, so funny.
That's a big last name in Glengarry Glen Ross, Patel. Sean Patton, Rich Voss, as always, will be hosting it.
I'm going to do a little time in there, and we might have a special guest drop in. I'm working on that right now.
You never know. Tickets go on sale today at 12 p.m.
Eastern Time. All tickets are $75.
Tickets can be purchased

at www.nycitycenter.org slash patrice2025. Or by, one more time, that's www.nycitycenter.org slash Patrice 2025.

Patrice is P-A-T-R-I-C-E.

Or by calling the box office at 212- Patrice.org slash Patrice 2025. Patrice is P-A-T-R-I-C-E.

Or by calling the box office at 212-581-1212.

All of this info will be posted on my social handles and on my website.

Shout out and thank you as always to the captain of the ship, the producer, the booker, everybody.

All the minutiae of it is Maureen Taron. And that's it.
It's always my favorite thing every year. It's like a high school reunion.
I get to see all these comics I never get to work with now because I live in L.A. I also get to see young up and coming comedians that were influenced by Patrice's body of work.

So there you go.

That's that.

Oh, here's something I forgot to bring up on the Monday morning podcast.

You know, my whole life, they've always wondered why hockey wasn't popular how come it was always a distant fourth you know i can't see the puck it doesn't translate on tv i love they fucking saying that but they got women's lacrosse um with that cameraman how about you zoom in once every fucking while? My eyes are fucking too old to watch that sport. But anyway, the thing about it is, it's not only is it like more of a rogue sport, they've made just one fucking bonehead move after another.
And even when they go to do something great, it doesn't make any sense. Like I remember back in the day, they were on ESPN, which was great for the league in the 80s.
And then the USA Network came along and offered them like a hundred bucks more. And they said, fuck ESPN.
And they went to USA. They've always been doing shit like that.
Right? The brawling got out of control in the 70s. They've always been doing stuff to shoot themselves in the foot.
They fucking took teams out of Canada and brought them down to like fucking Florida and Phoenix and all this dumb shit. And then they start getting going.
They start doing smart. Nashville, who knew? Boom.
Huge city. Vegas, boom.
Huge city. Seattle, who knew, right? All of a sudden, okay, they got some momentum.
They got some momentum. And then they got this fucking world championship can somebody explain to me how canada is the champion it doesn't make any like why do they do everything so fucked up in hockey right down they don't have quarters they have periods they have two breaks which i understand if you, you're fucking exhausted, sprinting the whole goddamn game.

But, like, we beat Canada a couple of Saturdays ago.

All right?

With Connor McDavid all the way to fucking Sidney Crosby.

Unbelievable team.

We beat them.

Great game.

Three fights in the first minute, like old school hockey,

and then just great hockey, right? So we beat him to advance to the final. All right.
So then Canada's got to play, play their way in. I don't know who the fuck they played.
They played like fucking Iceland or some shit. They win.
And now they're in the final with the American team. So now America's in a situation USA has to go 2-0 against Canada or else if we go 1-1 we lose.
If Canada wins they're 1-1 against us but they're the champion. Who was going to beat that Canada team twice? You weren't going to beat the USA twice.
It was fucking, it's the dumbest, and the Russians weren't involved. They weren't invited.
The whole, I can't even if I brought this up. I'm still trying to wrap my head around how you go one and one, and you're the better fucking team.
So all you up in Canada, you know, when you're chanting, we're number one, why don't you chant, we're one and one, we're one. It's the dumbest fucking tournament I've ever seen.
Like, how does that work? I get tournaments where it's just, you know, sudden death. You lose, you're out.
I've never seen one where you fucking lose. You can play your way back in.
And then the other teams, they got to

beat you twice. But you can have a 500 record and then you're the better team.
I mean, I don't know.

I don't fucking know. I don't know.
But congratulations but congratulations Canada you're number one and one I still love the sport but it's like that's the one I'm just I knew all Saturday I go there's no fucking way but we almost beat him too we almost beat him again took him all the way to overtime and I was like there's no fucking way you're not gonna beat this team two times in a row any more than gonna beat us two times in a row so what was the move lose lose first and then play fucking you know luxembourg and then fucking get into the final and russia's nowhere there and then then we were one and one and then we're the champions canada beat the united states to win the world championship.

They won the series one game to one.

Clearly demonstrating that they are without a doubt

the best fucking one-in-one team you're ever going to see.

It's fucking stupid.

The whole thing was fucking stupid.

Makes no sense. And why would you rob hockey fans of having another game? Right? You got another game and then we get to see, okay, all right, best two out of three.
I like that, nice and quick. You know, these fucking, all these other leagues with their fucking 58 rounds of seven-game series, including the NHesus fucking christ how long you're gonna drag it out how many fucking cars do you gotta sell while we watch this shit um anyway just another thing that makes me love and just completely confused as to how hockey does their math and it's not a metric system thing because i watch sports around the world.
I've traveled. I've seen them.
Nothing makes less sense than the way the NHL does their shit. It just fucking does it.
Well, I guess it was the NHL. Whatever, the hockey, the sport of hockey.
It's just a bizarre, it's a fucking bizarre, it's a great game. It's a beautiful goddamn game, but I swear to god you you make sense of it you're a better man than me um anyway exciting news here um we're in our last week uh you know at the rehearsal space which has been going great with dialing it in and uh pretty soon we're going to be over at the theater working things out.

And next thing you know, we're going to be in for premieres and previews.

Sorry.

And then we have opening night.

Buddy of mine, he corrected me on all my terminology.

Opening night.

And at the end, there's a curtain call.

I'm going to get all this terminology down because I sound like I don't know what I'm talking about, um, so anyway, I'm getting, uh, getting pretty goddamn excited about that, um, and, uh, yeah, I guess that's, that's really all I have going on in my life, I've been running around doing spots, I went up to the West Side, the Upper West Side Comedy Club. Great room.
Went up there on New Jokes Night, New Material Night. You just go up and kind of riff on whatever you want to talk about, which was really fun, man.
It was a nice, perfect-sized crowd. Went up there, fucked around, man.

Did a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

Added to some shit.

I mean, it wasn't all brand-new material, but I was able to expound on it.

Is that a word?

Is it?

I have no idea.

So it's going good. So all I got to do now, I got about like four or five lines left that I have to get word perfect.
And then I am, I'm off and running here, but we've been having a great time. I've never gotten to work on anything this long other than editing a movie.
But even then, it's like the performances are already done you know i never you know everything i've done in this business you know becoming a comedian you want to be a comedian all right go up and do it five minutes go on come back next week whatever write some shit all right and go no rehearsal and perform it and eat your balls And come back again, right? And even like if, I don't know, you get auditions for shit. You have like a day or two maybe if you're lucky, right? You go in, you audition, you hope you do, you know, you knock it out of the park.
Then you get the part and you show up. They rewrote a few things.
They added something. They took something out and action.
Go. This shit.
Having a whole, um, almost four weeks to work on this stuff. I really understand why so many actors, you know, love doing theater and anything.
I'm having the best fucking time

doing this stuff. So, uh, hopefully you guys can come out and check it out and, uh, hopefully you

like it. Um, um, yeah, I don't know.
That's basically it. So I've been hanging with my

family here all week, which has been fucking amazing. And just hanging out, just doing whatever.
Not doing anything, wrestling and all of that. Playing all the games, reading all the books and everything.
My lovely wife, seeing her, that's been fucking fantastic. So I'm going to be doing this one week a month seeing the family and everything and the face time has really been a uh has really been a savior but other than that i have no idea what the fuck is going on in the world all i know is every day somebody calls me up and says this fucking you know they're getting rid of this now they're getting rid of that i, it's nice to see some politicians actually, you know, stepping outside their party and just fucking finally saying, like, what are you billionaire cunts talking about? The fuck are you? You guys don't even pay taxes.
Like, how much are you going to take away from the little guy? I kind of feel like a lot of us are like institution... Like, if you're in prison too long, you don't know how to survive outside of prison.
I feel like a lot of us are like institution like when if you're in

prison too long you don't know how to survive outside of prison i feel like a lot of us are like fucking institutionalized into believing that there's this this party and that party and everything would be great if they just you just did what my party wanted rather than being like no there's a lot of fucking corrupt fucked up people in both parties serving these fucking super fucking rich assholes

who evidently just

cannot have enough fucking money I don't understand like it's gotta be like uh I don't know like their quest for power you ever see somebody who just can't stop getting tattoos they get like addicted to them and next thing you know it's like they're drowning in them and it starts creeping up their neck and then they're getting them on their face they tattoo their whole fucking head and then they just run out I kind of feel like they're like that it's just like dude like what kind of a fucking asshole has a billion dollars and is still going to work like what the what do you do

with if I had a fucking billion dollars like you could literally go to a town and help everybody out. You could go to a state

and just be like, you know,

I want to be the best shit ever. The best, as they say, you're a good shit.
That's a Massachusetts thing. I want to be the best fucking guy ever.
You just go in and you just rescue a state. Like, I feel like that the Tesla guy, like if he fucking really just wanted that dopamine of like feeling like a god just take your money and go to West Virginia God knows those people need the help it's one of the most exploited fucking states in the universe, I mean, right? Go there, fix the fucking schools,

turn the fucking place around,

and live there.

It's beautiful.

Turn the whole fucking thing around,

then name the state after you.

You're not going to do better than that.

You're not going to do better than that.

They don't.

They'd rather just keep it for themselves.

Like, what do they want?

Everybody to be peeking over their fence,

being like, oh, wow, it's got to be amazing to be you, man.

And I know I say this all the time, but, you know,

you got to look at that guy and realize that God created that guy.

You know, and that's the thing that I don't believe in the afterlife, that God is an angry God. I just don't, if, if, if you believe in God, I just, there's no way you can make, um, a man that's named Elon, right? Elon, whatever his fucking name is.
You can't make a guy named Elon and he ends up being this big of a douche. He already has a douchey first name.
And then he's going to be that big a douche and cause this amount of fucking suffering just for the fucking hell of it. And you created the guy.
And then you're going to get mad at me, what? Because I called somebody a cunt in traffic? You know? Can you imagine having the balls to say that when you're getting judged by God and he starts giving you a rough time? You'd be like, hey God, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to step on your fucking creative toes here, but I think you got bigger fish to fry, don't you? You know, I think maybe you have some things that, you know, maybe you should answer to. Like why you've created all these megalomaniacs throughout why do you create sociopaths

why do you create narcissists why do you create serial killers why why do you create these

fucking people child molesters why do you create these fucking people what's wrong with you

what what did i do exactly how many years did i cheat on my taxes what what are we talking about

what exactly i did versus what you did by the way you made me so I'm your fuck up right this is another one of your mistakes I don't think you get that far in the discussion oh my god what if God's a narcissist and he just blames you for fucking everything well they kind of do that right he was definitely an absentee father huh um i don't know just a lot of it a little bit a little bit doesn't add up there um anyway so i went for a walk last night and when i walked to the Upper West Side Comedy Club. Great fucking place.
Amazing restaurant above it, right around the corner from the Beacon Theater. And because I'm going to be here for so long and I have this gig and I have Sunday nights off, I'm kind of thinking like, you know, there's a whole bunch of shit that I've never seen in New York.

Like I've never gone to a show

at the Beacon Theater.

I've done shows there,

but I've never sat in the crowd.

So I'm gonna try to find a good show to go there.

I've never, I've done a show a long time ago,

something for Dennis Leary, I want to say.

I can't remember what it was.

It was at Lincoln Center.

Never been in the crowd i kind of got that because i i went to that snl um band thing and i got to sit in the crowd at radio city music hall and i was just like this is fucking amazing you know sit down and just watch all of this talent go up there and destroy this is fun I used to do this before I became a whore and became one of the fucking idiots up there you know I used to go to shows and I had a good god damn time I want to do this so um you you know, because you know what?

You know, a thing that every Monday night,

Les Paul, rest his soul,

used to play at this open mic just because he loved playing.

He didn't need the money.

He didn't need to do it.

He just did it.

And it was this little ass bar

and he could go down there

and he would just fucking wail all night long. Les Paul, the guy who created the best looking guitar ever, the most beautiful fucking guitar ever created, in my opinion.
The Les Paul. He created it and he mastered it.
He was an unbelievable guitar player. And then famous guitarists every once in a while would drop in.
And it was, I swear to my apartment was I could have walked there in 15 minutes and I was every every Monday night I think he did it and I was like I gotta get over there I gotta see that guy I gotta get over there I gotta see that guy I gotta get over there I gotta see that I never did and I never did and then he passed away and I was like I'm a fucking idiot and I't because I was running out doing fucking spots,

which I know I had to do what the fuck I had to do.

But like still, he could have taken one night off to see Les Paul

with like 80 people.

The fuck was I thinking?

I wasn't.

So when I first got here, you know,

Josh Adam Myers took me to go see Paul McCartney and seeing him in there,

it just ignited this thing in me that has been dormant since I used to go to metal shows in

the 80s before I became a comedian, which by the way, my 33rd fucking anniversary of my first

time on stage ever, ever is coming up.

I cannot believe it.

Unbelievable.

Just flown by.

Absolutely flown by.

I thought it freaked me the fuck out.

I remember Mickey Mantle passing away.

Okay, I was 27. He was 63.
I mean, you're 27. 63 seems like a long way away.
I'm turning 57 this year, and I'm like, Jesus Christ. That guy was born in 1931.
I was born in 1968. This guy had a 37-year head start on him, and I am now, he was almost 64.
So I am only seven years away from how old he was when he passed away. What the fuck? What happened? Where did it all go? I don't know.
Anyway, plowing ahead here. You guys remember Todd Parker? Todd Parker, he came on my Thursday podcast.
He wrote a book, a great book, which, what the fuck is it? What the hell was it called? God damn it. Billionaire something or other.
He's going to kill me for this. Whatever.
He came on my podcast and he wrote this great book. I've known him my first time ever doing stand-up.
It was a contest and he was one of the judges. So I have a running joke that I never forgave him because I didn't win that night.
Believe me, I did not deserve to win. He didn't do anything wrong.
So anyway, he sent me as a congratulations for doing Broadway and he knows I'm out here missing my family and stuff. He goes, I took a chance on this.
I don't know if you're into it or not. So I'm looking at it going like, that's too big to be a book.
Unless he wrote like a fucking encyclopedia or a phone book. This is huge.
And I unwrapped it. And it was a model of one of those Hemi cars that I've not built one of those since I was a kid.
Like literally like, you know, you opened it up and everything was white. And then, you know, he had the grid with all the parts on it.
He gave me paint, the paintbrushes, the glue, everything. And you could have seen the ear-to-ear grin that I broke into.
It was like, oh, my God, this is fucking amazing. Because I remember I was, like, too impatient.
I'd start gluing shit together before I finished painting him. I would paint the shit after I took it off.
And I had fingerprints on it and everything. And for whatever reason, just thinking reason just thinking back to it going like I should have painted all the parts first let them dry you know then put all the decals on let it dry or whatever I don't know what you're supposed to do when you're supposed to put the decals on or whatever um and then put it together and followed the steps and I was always impatient impatient.
I'd start, they always made you start with the engine,

and I was bored shitless with it.

I wanted to get to the car,

and I would skip steps and all of that.

I just, you know, I was an idiot.

Like, doing stand-up is the only thing I was ever fucking good at, right?

I just sucked at everything else.

So now I get the chance to kind of redo that.

And I cannot wait to, like, you know,

I'm going to wait till we're done with rehearsals

Thank you. chance to kind of redo that and um i cannot wait to like you know i'm gonna wait till we're done with rehearsals and we start doing the show when i have the time and um i was telling him like like because i kind of need something to replace cigar smoking because uh I don't even think about smoking cigars anymore, but I do miss the quiet and the solitude of doing it.
And I equated it with the smoke and it really wasn't. It was just that, you know, you can only smoke in a few places.
So you just kind of had to sit there and, you know, if I was smart enough to not have my phone on, if I just sat there, it was a really nice sort of reset. You know, you look at your life, you think of all this bullshit that doesn't mean anything.
You start to think about the stuff that matters, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that. And I'm thinking like maybe making these cars is a good way to fix that.
So then I don't go back because I really don't feel like going back. I do enjoy a cigar, but I think I've had enough.
I think I've had enough of them. You know, I don't know.
There's other things to do. So, let me do, uh, do I have any reads? I don't think I have any reads.
I do not. I do not have any reads.
I do not in fact have any reads to do. Um, so anyway, um, still been hitting the gym.
Stomach is coming down. I'm still like, just cannot believe when i sit down and i just look at the damage i've done and i've took a lot off already you know and um it's still a fucking shit show you know it's easy to look good with clothes on especially if you're wearing a pea coat over the clothes.
What are you talking about?

You look great. It's like I'm wearing 600 pounds of clothes right now.
Of course, I look like I'm fucking in shape. So, yeah, I got a fucking...
Like, if I was a car, you know, there's no way I would be at the Mecham auction. No fucking way.
This is something you pull out of the woods, you know. And then, you know, whatever you want, you get half of that.
Fucking engine block is seized. Engine block block the fucking engine is seized um anyway um oh speaking of that i saw like uh i saw this really fucking cool car and it was an australian ford from the 1970s it was sort of like that it was like a lando or something like the l-a-n-D-A-U or something.
And it just looked like it was made out of leftover parts. Like the rear end looked like the back of the Mercury Monarch or the Ford Granada had like those brake lights.
And then the front, it looked like the grill off of like a mid-60s Lincoln Continental. and then the front it looked like the grill off of like of a like a mid-60s lincoln continental and then the body was sort of like like a mid-size or sometimes a two-door coupe it was really weird it had like a bench seat it's kind of a cool car dude australia and then also latin america has american cars that you don't even know no fucking existed um like i went last time i was in australia which was 2015 10 fucking years ago um i used to go there every couple of years and then i had kids and i don't know there's just something about being that far away from them and in a different hemisphere.
It just kind of freaks me out. But they're getting older, so I got to get back there.
But I went down there. Last time I was there, I got there on Australia Day, which is basically like their fucking Fourth of July.
And, you know, Australians get after it. They don't need an excuse.

And I landed the day they had an excuse. And I got out there 14 hours to Sydney from L.A.
and then flew another six hours to Perth. And me and Nia landed and they were just fucking drinking and driving.
It looked like Massachusetts on a Saturday night like Boston, like in the 80s, back when I was fucking going down there with the Combat Zone and all the college kids and then the fucking Southie, Dorchester, North End kids, all of that shit, just all sort of coming out of these dance clubs and there was just fights and puking and all of that shit it was it was like that vibe I just remember being like I don't know how this plays out but I'm not going to find out I'm going inside and uh because I don't know if it's cool to be out here or not, but I don't feel like it is. So I went inside.

But anyway, they still, at least 10 years ago, still made an El Camino-style car down in Australia.

And I was freaking out.

I was going, I go, look at this.

They get fucking, they're still making El Caminos down here.

This is fucking amazing. So they also had a thing in in mexico oh fuck i i used to know the names of these things they had like you know it's weird in in the states the chevy suburban the four-door basically chevy blazer ford never went to compete with that never made a four door one, but they actually did.
And they sold it in Central and South America. And I forget what the fuck it's called.
Um, but they're really fucking cool. And it's basically their answer to the suburban.
And I have, have no idea why they never sold one in the united states and every uh person from the usa that i show it to thinks they're fucking sick i want it was like a not an f400 it was something weird some weird number and um you know you can get them you know you can go online and find them but I always thought they were cool especially you know if they had like that 1970s like the uh I was never a fan of the 78 79 front end grill but like the other ones the one that they had from basically like 73 to 77 that one um with the four doors actually fucking cool. All right, I'm babbling here.
Once again, Patrice O'Neill, Comedy Benefit. Thank you in advance to everybody that comes out.
You have no idea how much this benefit has helped. You know, Patrice was taking care of his mom.
And all the comics, we all know that patrice would fucking kill us if we ever let anything happen to his mother so um we've been able to uh take care of her um because you guys show up every fucking year and the place sells out and we always have these great shows and um it's really just such a great thing. And if you're a fan of Patrice, when you go to the show, a way to give back to him and his comedy legacy is to help out his mother.
And that's it. All right, have a great weekend, you cunts.
And I'll talk to you on Monday. and sorry the podcast is a little bit late this week um you know the fucking checkout was you know 10 a.m at this place i was staying at and i thought i could sleep till 10 and then do the fucking podcast and leave at noon that's what i thought you know i'm sorry am i still in america checkout time is maybe 11 where the fuck is it 10 a.m the fuck is trump not president anymore i mean mean, I thought this was something that he thought he was going to make it great again.
Make it great again. Have me check out at one in the fucking afternoon.
Why don't you sign an executive order for that, you orange-headed cunt? How about that? This podcast is not funny. It's sad.
It's a lonely man by himself. Sorry for the bad Trump impression.
Anyways, I am in Gainesville, Florida right now. And you're probably wondering, Bill, what the fuck are you doing in Gainesville, Florida? Home of the Florida Gators.
You know, you're on there. You're there on a fucking Monday.
And it's not football season. Why are you here? It's because I have to do the makeup date for the show that I was going to do back in november when i was going to go to the florida gators game down there at the swamp i was going to do that and go to the uh florida gator lsu game and um that game uh got rained out whatever they had a fucking hurricane and everybody freaked out because jacksonville was going to get shit kicked out of them.
Gainesville was, you know, as far as I'm concerned, it was safe. You know, my complete lack of a meteorological background.
Is that the right word? I don't know. So I'm back here.
I'm back here, you know, in February when nothing's going on. Oh, shit.
What about that team? What if their fucking team has a basketball game tonight? Maybe that's what's going on. I don't fucking know.
Anyways, I'm here in fucking Gainesville. I had a great time this whole weekend being out there in Daytona, Daytona Beach, Florida.
And Jesus Christ, dude, some of the fucking locals in Daytona, your heart just goes out to them. You know what I mean? It's just these, all these, it's all those people that, that people in Hollywood trash.
You know what I mean? It's just a bunch of, you know, a lot of fucking white people that are just, Jesus, life is just fucking kick the shit out of them. Not saying everybody, but I'm just saying.
I fucking came into town. I'm fucking walking down the street the first night.
I got video of this. I'm walking.
There's like a fight about ready to break out outside of a pizza joint. And everybody there is like my age, except they look my age what i mean they might have a better hairline which isn't hard with me but they're just fucking fat fucking big fat fucking uh what's that prilosex shit that people eat that was it called that shit larry the cable guy talks about right he goes fucking prilosex JTC.
When you fucking go out and you eat a whole fucking pig and your stomach's like, what the fuck did you just do to me? Rather than not eating a whole fucking pig again, you can take this shit and it'll make it feel like eating a whole pig yourself is okay. That shit.
They had those bodies. A lot of cargo shorts that were just frayed at the bottom a lot of bad tattoos a lot of fucking people that look like even if they weren't on drugs you know when people do drugs for so fucking long there's only so coherent that you can get back to we went to this fucking restaurant right on the strip and uh this fucking lady jesus christ if she wasn't high she just done she had just done so many fucking drugs she brought the fucking wings over right and they were like i'm they weren't ice cold they were room temperature which is fucking ice cold and i'm like yeah uh and i hate sending food back.
We're sitting in this fucking restaurant, right?

And we're sitting in, it's like basically a NASCAR.

Because we're there to go to the Daytona 500 the next day, right?

It's like a NASCAR that they cut in half and put a booth in the middle of it, right?

Or some shit.

I don't know what the fuck it is.

And we looked up later and evidently this was the worst restaurant.

Me and Nate ended up going to this fucking thing.

Ended up being the worst restaurant.

It wasn't bad.

I'll see you next time. and we looked up later, and evidently this was the worst restaurant.
Me and Nate ended up going to this fucking thing. Ended up being the worst restaurant.
It wasn't bad. I ordered the fucking, it looked shady.
And the music they were playing, they were playing like ZZ Top, She's Got Legs. They played George Thurgood twice.
They played Yes, Owner of a Lonely Heart. I was just sitting there.
It felt like it was 1985. I was joking on stage that night.
I was waiting for fucking Marty McFly to come walking in. Keyword there, fly.
And there was just some guy walking around sort of mouthing the words to this George. And it wasn't even a good George Thurgood song.
It wasn't bad to the bone or uh that whatever that fucking whisk one whiskey one scotch or one beer wasn't that one it was that uh the that cover my back door now my bitch don't come no more moving on over Rocking on over It there going, oh, my God. The waitress fucked up every possible way she could have fucked up, other than just blowing her nose into the bread.
I mean, other than that, every fucking thing you could do, she fucked up. It was hilarious.
I felt bad for her. I could see, you know, she just, you know, we all do it.
we all do it in my business we stay out there too

long madonna did it you know she's still twerking she's like 60 it's like madonna for the love of fucking god can you dress your age okay can you have a shred of fucking decency for yourself so that people can just in a general sense look in your your your direction you know what i mean there was a bunch of guys down on daytona beach dressing the way madonna was dressing there was a bunch of fucking guys my age still wearing tank tops where your arms have no muscle definition anymore it's just it looks like you know what it looks like it looks like you know when somebody has like cankles you know that part of the leg where it just you know there's no shape to the calf that's what the arm looks like, you know what it looks like? It looks like, you know when somebody has like cankles? You know that part of the leg where it just, you know, there's no shape to the calf? That's what the arm looks like. And it's all fucking flabby.
And just these awful, horrific fucking tattoos. Just shit, you pick off a wall.
Somebody with the shakes just puts it on your fucking arm, man. So so she comes over by the way when you go into a place like that because once i sit down i'm not leaving just go with the grilled cheese you get a grilled cheese sandwich and what can they do you know what i mean fucking nate ordered a hamburger and i was just like all right dude you know but if you get fucking ebola i mean i don't want to hear you bitching about it or whatever equal i whatever you get i knew it was something with an e so she comes over and she's just like hey well it was like one in the afternoon the sun just fucking blazing through the windows she's just like hey welcome i'm gonna be your waitress for this this evening evening and she caught herself saying evening and she just fucking plowed forward uh you know you got a special day you have i said it was like listening it was like literally like listening to a cell phone going in and out right and um she brings the fucking orders over and she kept going how's your meat i've never heard anybody say that i ordered a burger and the wings i got a little dangerous with the fucking wings and i had the grilled cheese sandwich i think it was just too much for a fucking blown out brain to try to remember what kind of protein we ordered so she just kept coming over going how's the meat she came over she gave me the burger she gave nate the fucking grilled cheese sandwich we had to swing that fucking thing around the chicken was fucking stone cold and she's just she started to like turn sideways when she fucked up the order and she was like almost trying to hide behind her own shoulder she's like i'm sorry i have the manager take it off and really apologize and she fucking disappears and comes back two seconds later which was a big thing in daytona

ordering food that should have taken at least 15 minutes and it returned in like two seconds it was

very disturbing because the first night when we saw those fucking old guys with the flabby arms

pushing each other outside that fucking pizza parlor um well let me i'll take you through the

whole fucking shit show we went into this place that we thought was a hooters a fucking hooters

Thank you. um well let me i'll take you through the whole fucking shit show we went into this place that we thought was a hooters a fucking hooters and i'm like i'm not eating it here any place that that is sort of in the sex industry it's got one foot in the sex industry i'm not ordering food in so i went in there and got a beer and we walked in and the chicks didn't have hooters but they all had asses and they had shorts like up their ass like half their fucking ass was hanging out and it was just you know it was a shit show and we're trying to figure it out we're like going what the fuck what the kind of fucking hooters is hooters finally admitting that hip-hop went mainstream about 25 years ago,

and now they're focusing on asses.

And it wasn't until the next day we walked out,

we realized it wasn't a Hooters.

It was some Wings joint.

And I think they're going to put Hooters out of business

because I don't think people care about titties anymore.

You know what I mean?

Plus, you can have a nice rack,

and your fucking ass can be as flat as a goddamn fucking desk,

a desktop, right?

You know what I mean?

Thank you. You know what i mean and it can just be a show when you go south you know what i mean that's like you know guys when they keep lifting weights you know and they just keep trying to keep their chest out in front of their beer belly and they keep pushing the jeans down further and further so they still have their 32 inch jeans you know by the way i think white people were the first one to wear saggy jeans you know i think we were the first ones to do it and that was with the guys who just refused to buy a 34 inch than a 36 38 inch waist they just kept pushing it down and letting their fucking stomach come out over the top so anyways she's like hiding behind her shoulder going i'm sorry i haven't managed to take it out so she fucking uh oh no i know i remember what i was trying to say yeah how quickly the food came so the night before we went out after we left the fucking uh the bar where these girls had to walk around with half of their fucking asses hanging out um and now that i'm a dad it was even worse i just kept thinking what if my daughter ends up working this is for what i wanted to meet the father of all these guys and be like what did you do that had them end up here so i don't do it so my daughter doesn't end up here so we go down the fucking street and uh we go to this other fucking bar they're like they got a biker bar down there because you know daytona has that fucking crazy biker week and some shit out here and i'm just like all right i am not a biker and i'm not gonna go in there and get fucking you know i don't know a pool cue fucking shoved in my ear i don't need this shit right so we go to this other bar it's sort of a sports bar we walk in everything's cool so i ordered some food i go let me get the uh what's what's the raw tuna it's not sashimi is it tuna tartar tartar is that what i ordered you know in you know this fucking sports bar why would you why would you order raw fish in a place like that it's's fucking nuts, but I did.
And I ordered chips and salsa. And I swear to God, this woman walked into the kitchen.
They had the in the outdoor, you know, the swinging doors. She walked in there and the door went, pop it, pop it, pop it, pop it.
And then she came walking right back out with the fucking food, like disturbingly. Like it came back so fucking fast the look on my

face nate was fucking crying laughing and uh all i can say about the food is you shouldn't have to chew raw tuna it should be like butter like melts in your mouth kind of thing and i and i was chewing the shit out of it.

So anyways, back to the fucking other place.

You know, the guy's walking around mouthing the words moving on over and uh this guy in the corner starts eating this burger dude and i can't even tell the way he was fucking attacking this burger i was crying laughing and i had to you know i had to do like that you know you know when you're

with somebody and you're the person you're laughing at kind of catches you looking at them and then you want your friend to look at them too so you got to do like that kind of that stretch thing where you look back fortunately there was a flat screen tv above his head and I just sort of like without even like a ventriloquist just like just turn around look at the tv you know did like one of those things.

And, dude, the way this guy would have,

he attacked this burger.

Like, heed at it rather than like it was almost like his it was someone else was holding it was the way he was trying to steal a bite of somebody else's burger that's the way this guy was eating like his first bite into the burger,

he fucking lunged at it so hard,

he hit himself in the face with like the lettuce.

They had this big piece of like fucking romaine lettuce hanging off the side, whatever the fuck it was,

iceberg lettuce.

And when he lunged in at it,

it like it fucking hit him in one of his eyes

and he had to stop and blink.

And then he just fucking,

he came up higher and just lunged at it again he was eating it like a like a fucking komodo dragon you know they just sort of fucking lunge at something he just just saw and rip away it was a fucking animal and every time he would lunge at this thing it was i could not look at him and i was crying laughing and of course by three bites he looked over and he caught me looking at him, and I was crying, laughing. And, of course, by three bites, he looked over, and he caught me looking at him, laughing.
And then I looked at Nate, and I pointed at the menu. Like, I was laughing, like, oh, my God, they have chicken fingers.
Isn't that hilarious? Like, I was trying to somehow get away from it. But long story short, the grilled cheese was all right.
The fucking wings were horrific, even when they were actually heated up. They clearly made them hours ago.
The way they came over fucking ice cold. And then they brought me some hot ones like three seconds later.
And so the lady comes over and she picks up our check. She walks over the register.
And in that short amount of time, she already forgot where we were sitting. And then when she came back, you know, Nate picked up the check.
She gave it back to me. It was just, it was fucking horrific, man.
But other than that, Daytona Beach was beautiful. We did a show that night.
Everyone would be like, what are you shitting on fucking Daytona for? Because that's what I saw I didn't know where to go so anyways I um I played the uh I want to say Peabody theater because where I'm from that's how you say it Peabody the Peabody theater it's like when you need when you're in New York it's Carnegie Hall and when you're in Pittsburgh it's Carnegie all right when you're in Massachusetts it's it's Peabody and everywhere else it's Peabody so we played the Peabody theater I had a great time did an hour and 20 minutes you know all new shit shit that got left off of other hours just had a great fucking time the crowd was awesome got a bunch of heckles but they were all great I liked I like that shit. I don't mind when people yell out to a point.
I crowd was awesome. Got a bunch of heckles, but they were all great.
I liked, I liked that shit. I don't mind when people yell out, um, you know, to a point, I don't mind it.
And I had a good time and I made a point of saying that because sometimes people in the crowd were sorry for all the fucking heckles. I enjoy it.
I don't mind a lively drunk ass crowd. I'm a fucking drunk.
Okay. And now that I've shit on everybody, you know, that I met basically in a 12-hour period in daytona um let's talk about the uh we went to the race the next day and by the way thank you to everybody who came out to the show i mean it was such a big fucking event the next day i mean there should have been three people in the crowd so the fact that it was sold out was fucking amazing so thank you to everybody i will definitely be back um but i will not be eating at that fucking place with the cars that are sawed in half um so anyways plowing ahead here so the next day we go to the race and we weren't really thinking that there's going to be 250 000 fucking people that's like two and a half Rose Bowls descending on the same fucking the same place so all the locals are going like oh man i'm just staying in tomorrow that's going to be a shit show blah blah blah blah blah and when i had driven from the airport you know when you get off what's so fucking cool when you get off at the airport you can actually hear them racing you know i think there was a truck race or some shit like that if you land you know i didn't get into like fucking one in the morning or midnight actually so the race was already over but when nate got there you could hear him racing you pull out you can see the fucking daytona international fucking speedway which is amazing right legendary place and as're driving by, there's all these fucking people in RVs

and all that hanging out,

wait to go on the race.

And dude, these people do not fuck around.

The way they were doing it up,

like, is the way I wish we did it at the Rose Bowl.

Like, I've never seen so many, like,

I mean, legit, like, you could,

like a rock star could tour in some of these fucking mobile homes um and the setups that they had and the fucking flat screen tvs you know on the outside with the generator and they had smokers going and everybody just having a great fucking time waiting for this race to happen and evidently people who park on the infield can get there like something like a week or 10 days they've just been in there as these guys are fucking driving around um the track you know getting ready to go to the race and all that you know testing out their cars and shit um qualifying for pole position or whatever the fuck it is that they're doing these people are sitting there there like, I mean, those are diehard fans, right? So we ended up calling a fucking Uber. The venue the night before hooked us up with this guy, this driver, and he knew all these back ways to get there, which was a godsend.
And he got us like right to where it saystona international speedway and uh nate bargazzi's like hooked up with some of those nascar guys and they came by about 20 minutes later picked us up in this little golf cart and just gave us the the total vip treatment and this is the one thing i will say about nascar versus the nfl is the level of fan access to all these different.

You can walk right down on the pit row.

We were sitting on the track before the race, like a couple hours before the race.

They let you go up there.

Everybody was like taking pictures at the finish line.

And one thing I couldn't believe was how fucking small it is as far as the width of it. It's like these people will go three side by side, 200 miles an hour.
They're out of their minds. You got to be right down there on pit row.
I met Mario Andretti, got to shake his hand. And that was another thing, too, like just the array of like famous people that were there.

I guess the appeal of NASCAR was fucking nuts.

Like you'd see Mario Andretti, which makes sense.

Race car driver.

I saw Gronkowski.

Guy Fieri.

Who else?

There was some fucking model, this gorgeous model there keanu reeves ladanian tomilson it was just fucking it was like all over the fucking map then you'd see like oh that guy he's the senator of fucking you know whatever south carolina um we got to go in and you know we got to sit in on like the driver's meeting and all of, which is really fucking interesting. I thought it was just going to be the drivers and like four of us, but it was this giant fucking room where they let this whole crowd go into.
It's just sitting there talking to the drivers going, all right, uh, you know, it's been a lot of, uh, trying to bump guys off the track into the fucking stands. You got to stop doing that.
I mean, I don't know even know what they would say i was kind of sitting behind the guy so i couldn't quite hear him but um i mean i can't imagine going to like a fucking any nfl game and you got to hear the referees talking to the head coaches before the game you know the nfl's like the goddamn cia you can't get anywhere near anything so um we ended up uh watching the race from the infield and uh you know i knew some people there so we at one point we were with um the people from cisco brewery down on nantucket if you ever go to nantucket um crazy good beer and then they got this vodka they have like this blueberry vodka and cranberry vodka that your fucking lady's gonna love and um we hung with them for a while and then we also were at this other fucking place and uh our view was absolutely insane it was a bunch of fucking i don't know crashes and cautions it's the fucking race took forever but um i don't know i can't i still can't believe that I got to go go to it but thank you to everybody at NASCAR for hooking us up and um I'm trying to remember who the fuck won was it Kyle Busch Kyle Busch won right I went there and I just rooted for fucking Dale Earnhardt Jr. you know it's been so long since I watched NASCAR I'm like is Jeff Gordon still racing it, nah, he's retired.
Everybody I knew was gone. I watched it big time in the early fucking 80s, late 70s, early 80s, when it was like Bobby Allenson, Cale Yarbrough, Harry Gantt, Richard Petty.
I saw him win his last Daytona 500 in like 81 or something. Then Cale Yarbrough won it two years in a row.
Then it the bill elliott era and um i don't know somewhere around there i was trying to get through college and i started doing stand-up and i kind of lost touch with it but i i still paid attention um right through uh the dale earnhardt years and uh i don't know i haven't watched it in a minute but it's it fucking amazing, dude. The whole thing, it was just such an amazing experience.

And I don't know.

Maybe I'll go to Talladega.

Who knows?

I think that one's in May.

We'll see.

But the big thing I was excited about was the fact that I was able to do like an hour and 20 minutes and not bore people with shit that they'd already heard before.

So, you know, that's like the big fear when you go back out on the road after you had a special come out.

You're like, all right, how do I fucking do a bunch of new shit without fucking these people over? that's like the big fear when you go back out on the road after you had a special come out as you're

like all right how do i fucking do a bunch of new shit without fucking these people over sorry i'm adjusting the microphone here without fucking these people over um and them still thinking that i was funny especially after going on after nate bargatze who by the way is um one of like six people that got half hours on

on Netflix. I think

Netflix is trying to do like the HBO one night

stand. who, by the way, is one of like six people that got half hours on Netflix.

I think Netflix is trying to do like the HBO one night stands.

So he was running his ready to tape special in front of me.

And that guy's one of the best joke writers I know.

And he fucking murdered.

So I was relieved that I was able to go on after him and have a good time.

So anyways, is it time?

Yeah. How about a little bit

of advertising here everybody all right where are we wondery the fuck is this stuff

never heard of this one wondery um here's a podcast you should listen to wait a minute

somebody else's podcast is advertising on my podcast yeah don't listen to my podcast listen

to this one all right one oh i remember this shit this one's actually sounded cool all right

Thank you. it's somebody else's podcast is advertising on my podcast yeah don't listen to my podcast listen to this one all right one oh i remember this shit this one's actually sounded cool all right secrets crimes and audio tape it's a podcast that has a different story every week uh this week's story is called this is not a banksy it's about a guy who wakes up in the morning and realizes Banksy drew on his ass.

Who the fuck is Banksy. It's about a guy who wakes up in the morning and realizes Banksy drew on his ass.
Who the fuck is Banksy? He gets it tattooed and now people want to collect his ass. It doesn't go well.
It was it has high production values. It's funny.
And Mario Lopez is the guest star. Go listen to it.
All right. This is why i like that podcast is because it sounds different and it also the copy was nice and short his banksy uh he's an he's an artist right i only know this because nia's into all that shit let me let me look this fucking up so he drew on somebody's ass and then he had it tattooed and now what who the fuck is banksy banksy is an anonymous english-based graffiti artist political activist and film director well if he's anonymous how come they know who he is um of unverified identity oh there you go there's satirical street art and subversive well then how the fuck did this guy know banks he drew on his ass man he's got great work i'm going to judge him on the two that are on his wikipedia page ah these are amazing what a talented son of a bitch he must be really shy um

so he does this in england what if it's what if it's somebody from the royal family

and the reason why they don't say it is because you know graffiti is looked down upon by the uh the aristocrats you know stop drawing on our buildings um maybe that's who it is so I guess he drew on somebody's ass somebody who knows him well well I'm surprised the uh the Illuminati doesn't kidnap that dude and his ass and goes tell me who the fuck banksy is tell me who banks he is or i'll fucking scalp your ass and that painting and then your ass won't work and it won't be worth shit how about that no pun intended right let me let me uh select all of this and then delete it so i can get to the fucking questions for this week. Dollar Shave Club, which was the first one.
The first one was the Banksy. Banksy fucking tattooed my ass.
All right. Oh, by the way, everybody, I mentioned lately that I'm going to be starting to post some videos up to my YouTube page.
I'm going to have a bunch of videos from the Daytona 500 I'm going to have at www.youtube.com slash users slash Monday morning podcast. I'm going to give the fucking video to my guy this week.
He's going to edit it and get the shit up there. Okay? I'll tweet about it when it gets up there.
All right. So speaking of stamps, stamps today i did not use stamps.com i was driving from uh daytona beach up here to gainesville and rather than going like the highway way i i took the longer route because i want to see some shit right like going by this fucking my brother told me it's called folk art i guess i drove by this woman's house or this guy's house i don't know why i thought it was a woman but you know i had like a giant tyrannosaurus rex a fucking bull like kicking its legs up like all these giant things that you can put on your fucking lawn i guess i don't know what all this crazy stuff you don't see that when you take 75 north it's just going to be a bunch of rb's we got the meats it's going to be the same fucking 10 chains in a goddamn walmart i've seen that a zillion times but if you if you take the old school the the fucking route 66 jack kerouac ways it takes longer but you see a bunch of cool shit so i was fucking driving along there and uh i came upon a post office and lo and behold i had a i had a bill that i need to pay and i didn't have a fucking stamp so i fucking pull in and the locals are in there and i'm listening to this guy tell this fucking hilarious story um first of all i love the pace of it too i love the pace of a small town where i don't give a shit that this guy's telling a story he's such a fucking character i'm enjoying it i'm already second in line because there's nobody fucking there right and he's telling this story about how somebody cut him off you know and he's not driving too fast so then the woman behind the counter then tells her story about how she was doing 50 and someone pulled out in front of her and her son.
And her son blew the horn. And when they pulled up next to him at a red light, the guy fucking had a pistol.
And he fucking just brought it up looking at him. Like, you know, pointing at the ceiling of his car.
He just sort of brought it up like that. And then the guy's like, he goes, you can't do that.
Can't do that. All right, that's a terrorist act.
That's brandishing. Brandishing a weapon.
They just started talking about brandishing a weapon. You can't do that.
that'll that i write that that's a terrorist act that's brandishing brandishing a

weapon they just start talking about brandishing a weapon you can't do that that'll make somebody

want to uh you know do some sort of self-defense is what they were saying and i was just like this

fucking crazy out here like but actually i think that they said that that that happened up in uh

charlotte or something like that i guess the road rage is off the fucking chains in charlotte

north carolina that's what i love about a small town i never would have heard that you know

Thank you. Charlotte or something like that.
I guess the road rage is off the fucking chains in Charlotte, North Carolina. That's what I love about a small town.
I never would have heard that. You know, this fucking guy with his white Uncle Jesse beard telling a story of brandishing a weapon.
And I was just sitting there totally not even giving a fuck that I was standing in line at the post office, completely enjoying the story and praying to God that this guy then took out his weapon because I wanted to see where this was going to go next. But, you know, they didn't say anything like, I should have got his license plate and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I don't know. That's why I stay off the 75 North because I never would have heard that, you know.
If I stayed on the 75 North, I would have heard, you know, can I get the fucking, can I get a double cheeseburger with the fucking boo-boo-boo?

I don't hear that shit.

Oh, I know a lot of you guys are expecting me to talk about the Oscars, but I didn't watch them.

Okay, I don't watch award shows unless I'm home.

If I'm home, then my wife's watching them, and then I watch them with her because I like making fun of them while she watches them because it makes her mad.

She doesn't get mad mad, but she gets, like, upset.

But I heard about the big fucking thing there in the end where Warren Beatty came out, and he's like, The winner for the best picture of 2017 goes to La La Land.

And evidently, the poor people from La La Land went up there with two speeches in before they realized that it was actually going to Moonlight. Starring Sybil Shepard and Bruce Willis, I believe.
I don't know what the fuck happened. All I know is once I heard that that happened, I didn't want to watch it.
I don't like watching people like that level of fucking awkwardness, you know. And just seeing Warren Beatty be that fucking old.
I just realized his last fucking name was what that fucking robot was saying on Close Encounters. Not Close Encounters.
What was that? What was that stupid fucking shit? Buck Rogers, where they had that little stupid fucking robot going, Beatty, Beatty, Beatty, Beatty. Is baby that was just stupid like somebody came up with somebody who's sitting in a fucking writer's room and they're like all right star wars is all the rage we got to somehow make money off this all right we're gonna do buck rogers that doesn't seem that bad i mean it was around before star wars and one of the things we got to have like an R2-D2.
And a C-3PO. And the network's like, well, we're not fucking hiring two actors.
It's going to be too expensive. Combine both characters and stick a fucking midget in that goddamn suit.
All right? It's all right. Well, C-3PO is kind of a fucking smart cunt with an English accent.
All right, well, just have this thing be a moron.

It just, it has a catchphrase.

I don't know, what's the catchphrase? You fucking come up with it.

And the writers are probably so pissed.

All right, let's just come up with the dumbest shit

we can possibly say and see what this fucking

industry person says.

All right, he's a little fucking,

he looks like a little kid George Washington,

but he's painted all silver and he's made out of metal.

And before he talks, he walks around, he goes, beady beady beady beady you know and then they just sat there and they kept a fucking straight face and that's one of those moments in life

you know when you throw it on the table you know you're looking at that person they're looking at

you and it becomes one of those moments where whoever talks first loses and you just fucking

wait it out and then the fucking person goes all right yeah go with that they're like great awesome

Thank you. And it becomes one of those moments where whoever talks first loses and you just fucking wait it out.
And then the fucking person goes, all right, yeah, go with that. They're like, great.
Awesome. Well, let's go do some cocaine.
It's not fucking addicting, right? It's fucking the late 70s. Yeah, so I didn't I didn't see.
I didn't see any of it. Sorry, I know I got a bunch of tweets.
Can't wait to hear your take on the oscars i did not see it what i did see was that the fucking boston bruins won again won again and all my fucking whining about whining about uh you know them getting rid of claude julian um according to bob beers the bruins are playing much looser and more confident under Bruce Cass bruce cassidy sorry i say butch bruce cassidy um so with the new man on the bench the boston bruins look like a new team the bees are six and one since bruce cassidy took over as interim coach averaging four goals per game while scoring the first and six of those contests they exploded for six goals in sunday's matinee went over the stars but the stars sucked this year and uh 98.5 the sports hub bruins analyst bob beard says he's seen a much looser and more confident team uh take the ice since cassidy took over for chloe julian they have a little more leash and a little more freedom to make some plays not to the point where they're being reckless or carried away leaving themselves exposed at the other end but they're encouraged to play more offensively um i gotta tell you man they've been playing great so i don't know what it is so you know i guess i was wrong i still think chloe julian's a fucking great coach what are you gonna do maybe everybody needed a change you know maybe that's what it is like you stay with the same person for a while you just get sick of them you know and this is like the new girlfriend you're all excited you can go all the old places but it's new for the both of you to go there i don't know well all i know is it's fucking working and i absolutely loved loved the boston celtics not making a move before the trade deadline i think that was fucking genius. It would have been so fucking stupid to give up draft picks and some players that we had.
You know that they were going to want like Marcus Smart and fucking Jay Crowder and a bunch of draft picks. At the very least, we were going to have to fucking give up that to bring in who? Carmelo Anthony? You know? Who's going to tell fucking everybody to clear out and then not get back on D? You don't need that shit.
And even if he got us past the Cavaliers, nobody's beating the fucking Warriors this year. We're certainly not.
You give up all of that shit to do what? Come in second place instead of fourth? Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? This is boston celtics we got to win another championship the lakers are lying about the amount of fucking champions championships they have they padded their resume with one we need to win another one put a little distance between them and i think this fucking move right here being patient enough to just say no we're staying the goddamn course we got all these draft picks you know who knows maybe that kid from duke comes out uh tatum maybe he's one and done who knows you know they got that who's that other kid some kid on kansas i guess he's like a point guard or something like that i don't know what the fuck we need i don't know shit about basketball but i love not giving into the stupid pressure that you know you're supposed to make a move you know that'll make you better in the short run but fuck you fuck over all the work you've been doing over the last three four years so danny age danny age love it absolutely love it all right let's do some reads for this week because um i'm actually gonna drive down to Tampa tonight and I'm tonight, and I'm going to go to the fucking Tampa Bay Lightning versus the fucking Ottawa Senators game tonight. Never been to a game there.
We'll see how it is. All right, four reads.
All right, this is what I got here. Oh, four reads was the advertising.
It's not four questions. Let me get rid of that.
Okay birthday gift hey there Billy birthday boy my boyfriend my man recently celebrated a birthday and I contemplated for weeks what I would get him after listening to many podcast episode I picked up on your advice to freshly single men get yourself all the sports packages took old billy boy's advice and bought my guy a subscription for nhl tv holy shit you're a fucking angel for the remainder of the hockey season parentheses go pens that's great too so he and his team is a a contender so it'll be fun to watch and nfl sunday ticket for the upcoming football season he's beyond thrilled of course he is thanks for the laughs and most importantly thanks for the birthday suggestion all right ladies did you hear that you know what's great about all of that shit is it's so fucking easy to do that's one phone call you don't have to go out and go shop you don't have to go get something fucking engraved it's perfect and if anybody wants to outdo this woman you know what you do is you get them the perfect chair to sit there and watch you know and then what you do is you get life insurance and as he slowly eats and drinks himself to death watching all these sports you know you're gonna win either way either way. Either he's going to be around and he's going to be this big, lovable fucking, you know, grizzly bear over there watching his games, or he's going to fucking die and you're going to get paid.
You know? There you go. Good for you.
That's a great gift. I would love that.
I would be thrilled with that gift. All right.
Who versus whom? Oh, a little aristocrat fucking conversation here. The actual rule.
I always get these confused. And I love that you guys are going to fucking help me out here because I actually used whom the other day.
Somebody told me that when you use who is if you could substitute it with he or she. But if you're talking about a they or us or a soliloquy, then use whom i don't know anyways he said the actual rule to use who with the subject and whom oh the actual rule is to use who with the subject and whom with the object so is the subject like a person no i don't i'll never get this down it's like lie versus lay the baby on the bed lies down but when you put the baby on the bed the baby is laid down all right like how is that supposed to help me right, let's try to figure out the subject and the object.

Oh, my God, I'm going to start fucking hyperventilating.

This takes me back to high school.

They call on you like, I don't know.

I don't know.

Just give me a fucking zero.

Jesus Christ.

How many fucking times you got to call on me?

I don't know the answer.

Before you figure out, you call on somebody else.

Quarterback keeps throwing to somebody.

They keep dropping the ball.

They go to somebody else.

Thank you. fucking times you got to call on me i don't know the answer before you figure out you call on somebody else quarterback keeps throwing to somebody they keep dropping the ball they they go to somebody else you fucking idiot punt all right the baby on the bed lies down all right so the baby is the subject is the bed the object but when you put the baby on the bed that's an object the baby is laid down all right well what the fuck who laid the baby down versus billy blue balls laid whom down all right i gotta slow down who laid the baby down who laid the baby down you did did.
Shoot that poison arrow through my heart.

Shoot that poison arrow.

Thank you, goodnight.

Took me back.

I always sing that song to Nia.

And I always say, whoever sings that fucking song,

you know that they close with it, and then that's how they end that song.

That's how they end it.

They go, shoot that poison arrow through my heart.

Shoot that poison arrow.

Thank you, goodnight.

You know the surprise ending.

Oh, I thought you were going to go through my heart.

Thank you. Good night.
You know, the surprise ending. Oh, I thought you were going to go through my heart again, but you didn't.
All right. So who laid the baby down? All right.
Versus Billy Balls laid whom down? Okay.

Who laid the baby?

Okay, so if I went, like,

who drank all this fucking beer?

Billy Blue Balls was who drank all the beer.

I can't fucking do it.

Who drank all this beer? How come I can't plug that in? All right, well, somebody says something about a baby. I have a baby in my life, so I have a chance that I can at least get that one right.
Oh, Jesus, sent right back down to the minors. Once again, he grounds into an inning-ending double play.
Fucking kill that goddamn dream.

I don't understand.

I just don't fucking get it.

This has been explained to me.

I never understood how fucking planes

flew. And then I got my pilot's

license and they were able to fucking

explain it to me.

Who laid the

baby down?

Versus Billy Blue Balls laid whom down?

All right.

So I'm the subject in the first one.

And then what?

The baby becomes an object?

Like, are you talking shit about my kid here?

Billy Blue Balls laid whom down. The actual rule is to use who with the subject and whom with the object.
So I'm more important than my kids, so I'm the object here. I'm the subject.
But then that doesn't mean it can be such a sense because a king has subjects and they have to do

whatever the fuck they he tells them i'll tell you right now i don't i don't feel any closer to to the the finish line than i was jesus the amount of empathy that i have for all the fucking teachers in my life that this is the fucking putty they're trying to mold into something All right.

You know what's great for great barrier reef for fuck's sakes bill stop saying the great barrier reef is dying get your pasty white ranger arse down here get in the water and have a look for it it's not dying yeah it is you cunt what are you a scientist i'm going by what the fucking scientists are saying and i wanted to go fucking uh snorkeling over there they said you better do it now because they're not gonna let people go there much longer uh if you don't know what a ranger is that we aussies call redheaded fucks like you uh ranger being short for orangutan oh i guess isn't that cute well you know what maybe you can say that to me next time i come down a fucking show. All right.
Why don't you do that? I don't give a fuck. You think I give a fuck what some cunt who is at the bottom of the fucking world with like three quarters of your goddamn country you can't even go to? the entire middle of that fucking content is you can't even live there

what else do you do on Australia Day?

Do you drive around in your poor excuse for a fucking El Camino?

Anyways.

Oh, that's he's one of those fucking guys.

It's fine.

It's still fucking there.

You know, I'm going to look this shit up right now.

All right.

Great Barrier Reef.

Let me see what I get.

Let me guess because it doesn't agree with you. Then it going to be fake news great barrier reef dead uh the great barrier reef is not actually dead cnn dramatic what about dying let me see dying dying let me see dying corals are dying on the great barrier reef scientists have discovered an unprecedented die-off of the in the world's largest reef the great barrier reef prompt yeah there you go right there okay great barrier reef not dying australia insists oh i get it this is your big tourist attraction this is your ferris wheel so you want people to keep flying down there so they can jump on the water with a bunch of great white sharks because there's nothing to see on land down there because three quarters of your fucking country is unlivable.
And God knows if you go out there, it's so fucking unlivable. That's why the snakes and everything down there is so fucking poisonous because there's such a lack of food.
That a snake, if it just grazes somebody, they got to make it count because God knows they're not going to see anything else edible for fucking weeks. Australia insists that it's not fucking dying.
I love it. OK, well, that's fucking credible.
That's how you make all your money. All those fucking cunts going down there in this scuba gear because they learned how to hold their breath and breathe underwater in a fucking swimming pool.
And they got themselves a little scuba card. And now they're going to go into god's swimming pool a fucking ocean all right that's got all this shit that can kill oh my god

that's what it is okay i get i'm sorry i was fucking with your tourist attraction

that that'd be like you guys down there saying that you can't go up into the arm of the statue

of liberty anymore it's gonna snap off um it is dying you stupid fuck all right all right anyways

Thank you. liberty anymore it's gonna snap off um it is dying you stupid fuck all right all right anyways i absolutely believe that it is why wouldn't it be all this shit that we're doing why would everything else is fucking dying everything else is completely fucked but that isn't uh maybe i'm wrong maybe i'm wrong let me you know what i actually i looked it up uh let me look up not dying let's see what this said great barrier reef but if this is all from fucking australia i'm not buying it great barrier reef not in danger let me a big picture of fucking trump scuba diving uh the great barrier reef not quote in danger tourism and mining groups have welcomed a whatever recommendation that the great barrier reef be left off the world heritage in danger yeah touring tourism mining these people all make money off it um should the great be barrier reef be listed as in danger unesco great barrier reef is not in danger but needs care you Barrier Reef is not.
Yeah, this is all because you're not making money off of it. Great Barrier Reef outlook poor but not in danger.
This is like what you guys are doing with the Great Barrier Reef now is what we do with our food supply. You know, it's not the best for you, but it doesn't necessarily cause cancer um you know what buddy i hope you're right i hope you're right i hope it isn't but i know good good and goddamn well that you're not a fucking scientist i know i'm not a scientist and i know that scientists say that it is fucking dying but anybody from what i just did my research for 30 seconds was anybody that makes money off of it say it says that it isn't so i don't know can i can you if you can write me back with a fucking scientists or some sort of fucking group of them that don't make money off it are not getting paid to say that it's fucking dying uh it's not dying then then i'll believe it okay so whatever i'm still fucking open-minded um all right obama news censorship uh hey mr bill um bill burr i have listened to the past couple of podcasts where some of your listeners uh have messaged in about obama's supposed censoring of news media and after a bit of further research it seems like they are most likely inaccurate or just wrong now let me ask you this sir because i looked it up okay and for what i could tell it was accurate but what i'm guessing is you're an obama fan so now you're going to tell me this is fake news now you just saw where i was able to look up shit where it said it was dying and then it isn't dying and it's just all what you choose to believe right uh while the bill is real the conclusion that it would cause the shutdown and silencing of dissenting opinions seems incorrect it's supposed to find the identity when foreign countries are involved in spreading propaganda to allow u.s news sites to know where information is coming from i have a liberal bias and am probably overlooking some things oh there you go this guy's an adult okay you know what i take back everything i said but it seems like that the bill is not nearly as bad as certain sites are making out to be which i would agree with because that's gonna be the fox news people thanks for the podcast and the latest special um this is what i would guess which is a obviously a total guess because i'm a fucking moron um i'm guessing it's not as bad as people on the right are saying it is but i am definitely of the belief that there's always that wiggle room in there that you know is as they're preventing something you know that everybody wants to be prevented which would be uh propaganda from our fucking enemies which i actually don't even think is that bad i'm not against hearing their take on things um but it would also allow them it's kind of like you know after 9-11 where it was just like we need to listen we need to be able to listen to in on people's phone conversations but if you're not doing anything wrong you know it's not a fucking well you know it's this is just for terrorists and then it just becomes a way for them to spy on you even more and then years later you see that whole fucking snowden thing and he's taken off basically saying i'm not going to help you guys build this thing the greatest nerd of all time is that snowden guy you know as opposed to those other fucking pussies who just keep fucking you know i've always said it you know total psychos like a complete psycho has no fucking power you know without nerds nerds give them the ability to be a cycle on a psycho on a fucking global level okay as nuts as trump is as much as fucking hillary is as much as fucking bush as not just all these fucking lunatics are they're not shit without nerds creating the technology for them to, you know, go psycho on a global fucking level.
I mean, if it wasn't for fucking nerds, we'd still be attacking each other with sticks. You know? I couldn't figure out how to make a gun.
All right, lost my 401k. Hey, Bill.
Well, the cut to the chase. I'm 51 years old, divorced.
Son is in jail for hitting his mother, who is a lunatic. Jesus Christ.
And I received a forty nine thousand dollar settlement and blew it all on the California lottery. This can't be real.
I really feel like throwing in the towel. Can you tell me what you would do if you were in my awful shoes? All right, if this is even remotely real.
Let's see, that's probably fake, but whatever. But other people have completely fucked up their lives, so I'll talk to them.
And you, sir, if you're actually telling the truth. The biggest thing you got going for yourself is you know that you're a moron and you fucked up your life.
So I would sit down and I would look at the decisions that I've made, figured out why I made those fucking decisions. I refuse to believe that you're dumb enough to get forty nine thousand000 and spend all of it on the California lottery I would think that some of it went to bear some of it went to Wade come on you get $49,000 you didn't get yourself a new truck I mean come on I don't know can you tell me what you would do if you were in my awful shoes? I would get a fucking job, first of all.

I would stay away from your ex-wife.

Your son's in jail for hitting your mother, so that would mean he's of age.

So you're not paying any child support.

So maybe there's some alimony.

I don't know. I try to teach my son not to hit my mother i mean i'm my my not to hit his mother i don't do you you got you you got water coming in from all sides here i don't know what to tell you um if you get money i would save it rather than gamble it away and uh but you're only 51 years old dude this is what i would do i would start p90x and get a little bit of fucking self-esteem and have a little more belief in yourself that you can make it other than trying to do a fucking nine zillion to one shot which you tried to cut down to uh 49 000 with 49 000 shots at a billion to one um yeah dude i don't know what to tell you man i think you're gonna be fine you're 51 years old you know you still got you still got some years ahead of you but i would just uh i wouldn't throw my fucking money away like that i mean i don't know how to give you advice if you blew all your money on lottery tickets.

But I don't want you to throw in the towel.

You know what I would do?

I would write a fucking book.

Stare into it.

You know, like it's the comics comic.

You might be the loser's loser.

Write a fucking book about it.

You know?

Or make some YouTube videos and just tell your fucking story. Get some advertising.
Right? Maybe you can make a little bit of money that way. Shit, it's easy to make $49,000 off the fucking internet.
There's enough people that people love people failing. Who the fuck's failed more than you? Turn it around.
Turn that failing into a fucking positive. Tell your fucking story.
start going around to schools telling people what not to do i don't know what you should do but don't do what i did right that's like country lyrics they always they're always doing that shit like i was thinking on the drive over here talking about this person in front of me was driving so slow i was like jesus got all the time in the world. I'm like, that's such like a country lyric that they would flip around.

You know?

I got all the time in the world, and I don't want to go on living.

You know, you say it's a juxtaposition there.

You know what I mean?

It's like I got all this time in my hands, but I don't want any time because my woman left me or something like that, right?

It's like when a fucking bull wants to fuck a cow, but ain't nothing around but a pig you know what i mean it's one of those type of things i would just stare into it sir i would turn it into entertaining stories and somehow tell them but i'm also a comedian that that's what the fuck i would do other than that i would stay away from your ex-wife and um i don't know i don't know what to do with your son try to set a better example by not blowing all your money on lottery tickets maybe that's that's the thing i don't know sorry you're in that situation if you actually are all right text sent to the wrong person at work oh jesus this is never good uh dear billy graham cracker tits um i never thought i'd be in a situation where i needed to write into you like this but here i am in a pinch for the last couple of years certain people at my work have been getting very relaxed with their work ethic and punctuality so much so that another co-worker and I have written an album of songs about its absurdity. Since our office is, well maybe you can write a song about the guy who just wrote in above me.
You know? You guys, you know, then you go on American Idol. I don't know.
Anyway, since ours is an office of about 10 people, everybody's job directly relates to everyone else's, and it puts extra strain on the rest of us. Recently, two of the worst offenders, both ladies, not that it matters, have actually, but I mentioned it, have actually gotten promotions for some reason.
With that said, this morning, I noticed one of the ladies accomplished a quote task in our

project manager uh to bring food to an office potluck lunch being the snarky asshole i am

i took a screenshot to send to my like-minded co-worker with the text quote think and then

the person's name is going a little overboard here somehow she only creates to do she can get

Thank you. co-worker with the text quote think and then the person's name is going a little overboard here somehow she only creates to do she can get done can't get shit done for work but for food the bitch is all over it when i didn't hear back from him after 10 minutes i felt this first wave of panic i knew it immediately the text had been sent to the lady yeah because what happens is you're thinking about that person and you're thinking about their name.

Oh, my God.

We've all done this.

Completely flustered, I sent a flurry of apology texts,

but she didn't respond.

All this was happening around 830,

which is when people are supposed to arrive.

This worker usually shows up around 9 45 or 10 but that's beside the

point what can you unsend the text i don't know does some nerd know how to do that anyways after

i didn't hear from her i checked the calendar and saw that she was on vacation for the next 10 days

oh no but i know she got the text and now i'm worried about what she thinks and whether it's

going to be weird in the office what do i do she's not a bad person and you called her a bitch too

Thank you. but I know she got the text and now I'm worried about what she thinks and whether it's going to be weird in the office.
What do I do? She's not a bad person. And when you called her a bitch too, and I have to work with her regularly before realizing she was out.
I already bought flowers and put them on her desk in order to cover the stench of my own failure. Now, dude, you can't because she knows what you really think.
I'm guessing I shouldn't leave them there and let her come back to dead flowers either. Congratulations on your baby girl and, of course, your latest special.
Sincerely, I done fucked up. Where is she on vacation and is there a way to unsend all of those text messages? That's what I would to do over the next 10 days i would not apologize anymore i would not give flowers and this is what you got to do dude you got a fucking man up and when she calls you out on it be like yep i was i'm not going to tell you who i was sending it to don't rat out the other person on any fucking level do Do not rat out the other person.
You piece of shit.

If you do it,

do not rat them out.

Um,

I would actually say I was actually sending it to this girl. I know who doesn't work here.

Okay.

Just say that.

Um,

and I always bitch to her about people at work.

And when she calls you out,

I would just say,

listen,

you know what? No sense. Sugar coating it.
You're supposed to be here at 830. You show up at 945, 10 o'clock.
You're dogging it. You're setting a bad example.
And I like working hard. And that text came from the frustration of watching you working, setting the example of not working up to your potential.
It makes it a bad experience out here so that that's why i did it if you're

mad at me i understand but you know i i stand by that text message i shouldn't call you a bitch i was just saying that the way you know richard prior says it i was just trying to be funny but you know you showing up an hour and 15 to an hour and a half late every day is is not good for the morale around the office. That's where that came from.

So, there you go. And I'm sorry I sent it to you.
But, you know. That's it.
Fuck it. Fuck it.
That's the only card you got to play. Be like, yeah, I sent it.
Although you did fucking put your hat in your hand and apologize yeah boy can

you please write back and let me know how it pans out i'd love to know all right with that that is

a podcast for this week um i'll check in on you on thursday and uh this time next week i will be in

phoenix arizona doing two shows a night at a commode club also known as a comedy club and um

Thank you. time next week i will be in phoenix arizona doing two shows a night at a commode club also known as a comedy club and um be fucking polishing up this fucking hour so i can go on the road not

embarrass myself like this guy did with his text message you poor bastard we've all been there you

know what even the lady that you you're writing to i bet she's done it too um but she's letting

you squirm or or she's in aruba or she's someplace where she didn't get the text message

Thank you. too i bet she's done it too um but she's letting you squirm or or she's in aruba or she's someplace where she didn't get the text message and maybe you can undo it maybe you can fucking undo what was already done this is this is another fucking movie this is a fucking movie this is like weekend at bernie's meets uh meets Steve Jobs fucking one of those things.

Remember he used to walk out and be like, look, now you can swipe text.

And everybody's like, oh, my God.

Right?

That's what you do.

If you get fired, sir, you should write a fucking script.

Write a fucking script about somebody who sent the wrong text message to their boss. Send a text message to the wrong person.
That person's on vacation. Okay? And then eventually you're going to have to fly down there.
You know? You can co-star with the guy with the eyes. He always did the eyes thing that he got from fucking Al Pacino.
What was the name of that actor? He was in About Last. Andrew McCarthy.
Right? You guys. Maybe he can fucking executive produce it.

See that?

That's the great thing about entertainment.

No matter how bad you fuck up.

The more you fuck up in your personal life.

The more material you get as a comedian.

You get a script out of it.

I don't know.

You don't sound fulfilled. Maybe you can be a script writer.

Alright.

That's it.

Go fuck yourselves. You cunts.
and I'll talk to you on Thursday.