Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, February 24th, 2025. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? How's your life? Look at the fucking Red Sox making moves, signing pictures.
I don't know who they are, but people are excited. I actually ordered that spring training hat

the red one

it's the red hat with the blue bill. And back in the day, the B was also blue to match the bill.
Now they have it white. But, you know, I was talking to one of my buddies because when we first watched the Red Sox, that's what their uniforms look like.
The 70s, baseball 70s movies. They match the cereal that you were eating in the morning.
My whole childhood was look, it was like looking at a giant bowl of like Froot Loops or Trix. It was just nuclear orange and reds, yellows and greens.
It was fucking incredible. It was just like, I just think enough people in the right positions in life had taken LSD.
Or maybe it was their misinterpretation of what LSD was. And everything was like fucking psychedelic.
Like the Houston Astros. I mean, good Lord.
that uniform, the orange hat and then whatever the fuck was going on in the shirt was amazing the pirates with the all yellow from the batting helmet all the way down to the black cleats everything in it was this fucking amazing yellow the cardinals had that great like that vivid blue with the red, which doesn't even make sense. You know, I guess red, white, and blue on the flag, but it was just sort of red and blue if I remember correctly.
And then Chicago had the most boring, where the White Sox had horrible, like, they looked like an expansion franchise. You the white socks uniforms i don't understand

there's such a weird team because then once the 70s went away with all the colorful

shit and they got a little more conservative when ronald reagan went in there and they

standing starts firing air traffic controllers because they had the audacity to go on strike

and wanted to make fucking you know get paid their paid their worth. He was like, ah, fuck you.
He just fired him. I'll tell you right now, the one fucking job, one of the number one jobs you don't want to back up for other than a fucking brain surgeon would be an air traffic controller.
I think Stewie could do it. Well, let's give him a shot.
So anyway, it all became conservative again. And then the White Sox, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, they have uniforms like the Houston Astros used to have.
So anyway, so my whole life, I thought that the Red Sox had that red cap for most of the 70s, at least eight seasons. I thought, you know, because you always saw the 1975 World Series highlights with, you know, Carlton Fisk, you know, the Bucky Dent home run in 78.
So I always assumed that they wore him for like eight seasons. But I went back and I looked at the team photos because someone was asking me about that.
They only wore them in the 75, 76, 77, and 78 seasons, and then that was it. I thought for sure they went the rest of the 70s wearing, but the 79 team, they went back to the blue hats, and I remember, you know, I was just a kid, 10 years old or something when they came back in 79, almost 11.
Right. And I was looking at them and they had the blue hats and I was going, I couldn't figure out which team was the Red Sox.
I was like a, one of the first games of the year. My parents are going like, no, that's, that's what they like.
I was like, they did. I had no concept of that.
I just thought they always were the red ones. So anyway, they brought them back for spring training, which I think is great, man.
Like that, I still somewhere, I bought a Mitchell and Ness Jim Rice home jersey where it says, is it the home or the way?

It might be the away where it says, it's the away where it's sort of gray.

And it says Boston in red with this number 14 on the back.

But anyway, anyway, so here I am.

I'm seeing my family. I saw this weekend which was unbelievable I think I spent the whole weekend just wrestling with my kids all these different games we play playing soccer and doing all that so it's so great to like go out to Los Angeles and then come right.
But I'm going to be doing that a lot. I somehow didn't catch my son's cold.
I had hand sanitizer and that fucking Zycam shit. Just stuck in both nostrils the whole time I came back.
I somehow didn't get the... I didn't get it.
I got to see my lovely wife who looked more beautiful than I've ever seen her in my life. I'll tell you, it was wild.
I actually had a dream the other night that my wife left me. I don't know why.
I think it had to do with me. Before you fucking dream catchers out there try to tell me what this means, it's because I was missing her.
Before you guys are, you're thinking that because it's going to happen or whatever. But I remember it was this was this weird dream and all i kept thinking was like it was like beyond heartache that she left me it was just more like what am i gonna do like what the is my life without this person and uh i just think uh yeah i just gone my limit as far as not seeing her

because, yeah, she's like my fucking, beyond my wife. She's like my best friend.
She's funny as hell. She's like the best hang you're ever going to have.
And so that was the hard thing, trying to balance that because my kids wanted to see me so bad, so I had to wait until they went to bed. and then

you know

just hearing her laugh again. It's my favorite laugh in the world, making her laugh.
So anyway, so now I'm back to New York. And it's funny.
I went in to get a cup of coffee at this great place these Italian guys run. Just old school, just cranking out double espressos.

You know what I mean?

They got the shit ready, ready, should come in.

And somebody was saying in there how great it is

because it's like 40 fucking degrees out.

Oh my God, the next three days are going to be 40 degrees.

It's fucking great.

I'm thinking in my head like, dude, this isn't great.

This isn't great.

It's supposed to be fucking cold.

Any weird weather is uh fucking freaks me out like this shit's coming faster than uh than the scientists thought it was gonna or whatever like i don't know i don't I was, you know, I don't watch the news because all it does is freak you out.

But I was walking by, you know, it's impossible not to see news in New York because they're always like, there's always some big screen with like that stupid stock market thing going

on underneath it.

As you walk down the street, you just see it, right?

So I saw this headline.

I think it was at a restaurant or something.

I just saw this headline.

Is it still safe to fly the shameless fucking media i love when they're trying to just scare the shit out of you to just like get you to watch something they never have the balls to just make a statement they always do it in a question. Is this the new America? Should we be worried about this? Is it still, were we right when we blah, blah, blah? You know, like, why would you listen to people that, that are that unsure of themselves? They're going to scare the fucking shit out of you literally with just a question that they know in their head has an element of bullshit.
So they got to protect themselves from libel or slander. So they just present it in the question form.
Or what it is, is if you present this information in a question form, all of these mouth-breathing morons just jump on the, I don't think it's safe to fly anymore. I will tell you what was fucked up was that plane that flipped over in like Canada or something.
And the fact, I watched this video, This fucking kid is already videoing as he's getting out of an airplane. He just landed on.
It's upside down. I know it's the end of the flight, but there's still enough fuel in the thing.
If that ignites, you're going to burn to death. Like this fucking human kebab in there.
In this fucking thing, and he's filming. As he's getting out, he's not thinking like, oh my God, get me out, please God, get me out of here so I don't burn to death.
Get me out of this thing before I hear the screams of other people starting to catch on fire. He doesn't think that.
He's filming leaving the fucking turned over airplane and then he gets away from it. And his description of his experience, like if it was dialogue in the movie, was the worst dialogue I've ever heard.
He was just in an airplane. He's landing safely.
It suddenly flips over. He thinks he's going to die.
He doesn't. He's hanging upside down from his seatbelt.
He's thinking, am I going to be in the air like a fucking rotisserie chicken and get burned to death? Is this what's going to happen? He goes through all of those emotions. And this is his dialogue when he gets off.'s like yo what the fuck yo i was on that shit like we didn't just see him video going out of it and that's all he could come up with was different versions of yo what the what the actual fuck Now here's the thing.

I'm not looking at this guy like he's a fucking moron. What I'm looking at him as is like what he's doing is in me.
Because I sit here and I'm scrolling on Instagram like every other social media monkey out there for hours on end. Rather than watching a movie, at least there's a good movie or read a book or connect with my wife.
I'm sitting next to her as we're both sitting there scrolling. And it's starting to affect people's vocabulary.
you're like he was speaking in instagram comments like that was his language i mean i get it if you're stunned and you can't like talk but the way he was described he sounded like he saw somebody get dunked on. Yo, what the fuck? Oh, shit.
Like if you read the dialogue and there was three options. He just saw somebody get dunked on.
He just saw somebody get knocked out. Or he landed in a Delta Airlines flight that inexplicably flipped over he was hanging from his seat belt thought he was going to burn to death and by the grace of god didn't what do you i mean that there's no way you guess and see first anyway um so god bless that kid.
I'm glad he's still alive, but there was definitely a life lesson in there that all I got out of that is I need to fucking read more. One of the things I want to do when I'm in New York here is I want to start going to museums and i want to educate myself on painters um and this is a combination of the influence of my wife because she's super smart and she takes me to those places and it's starting to take hold and um i saw this that that documentary on steve martin and it was something about him, someone telling a story, and he went to a museum for some premiere, and he could name every painting he could name.
I'm doing my podcast. Sorry.
I'm at work right now. Yeah, yeah.
I'm only going to go for like another half hour, okay? Is that all right? As long as you don't mind. Yeah, yeah.
Just for another half, yeah. So anyway, he knew all...
I fucked up. I thought rehearsal today was at 10.15.
It wasn't until noon, so now I'm sitting here like an asshole. Anyway, so he could name all the paintings.
He could name all the painters and all of that. And there was something about it that resonated with me where I was just like, this is what human beings could do before like a hundred channels or endless streaming or the fucking Internet.
and I know i'm a meathead but i could at least be an informed meathead you know what i mean so the artist i like the best i can't remember his fucking name it's edward something or other he's the one who did night hawks um and all of that you know that that classic painting that every bar seems to have where it's like you're across the street looking in at this diner and people are sitting in there drinking. And it's sort of this melancholy...
He's a realist or realism or something like that. So, I don't know.
I just... I do know this about me.
I don't like art that's built. Like, I don't want to see like somebody like, you know, like weld a fucking office chair to a grocery cart, you know, and then stick an umbrella on top open, but it's broken, man.
And it's, you know, it's commenting on the grind of capitalism. Like, I'm not into that shit at all.
That stuff, you can take it right to the dump. Okay? That's what that shit looks like to me.
Okay? I'm not saying I'm right. All right? I just, I just, yeah.
It's a waste of fucking space. But I'm more into like, I like the realist stuff.
And I like the surrealist shit now that I've taken some mushrooms. And it's kind of like, you know, that psychedelic thing.
I like that stuff. I appreciate that shit.
How fucking dumb do I sound? This is why I have to go to museums. All right? And it's not really even for me.
It's just for the people in my life. So they're less embarrassed when I open my mouth at a party.
You see what I just did there? I just made myself a hero. An empathetic character.
As I navigate my own stupidity that others have to fucking deal with. So, um, anyway, um, we're getting closer with the play here that we're getting closer to like preview.
So it's getting, uh, it's getting really exciting. Oh, Billy Jim bod.
Oh my God. the fucking damage i did to my torso holy shit it's just unbelievable like i have fat in places i didn't even know you could have fucking fat i was sitting there going like my stomach isn't sticking out i bought one of those one of those those fucking those uh you know those things that people when they take your sizes at the uh at the dry cleaner what do a tape measure.
Whatever.

A measuring tape.

There we go.

Look at that.

Just talking about the museums.

I remember what that thing was called.

I bought one of those.

Oh, my God.

The fucking...

Have you done that?

You want to...

It only goes up to 39 inches, by the way.

So if you want to humble yourself,

why don't you go fucking see what the equator of your body is right now and then try to do the math of how long it would take the sun to go around all those fucking mistakes in the last since you left high school um so i am committed other than to have a great time on this play which is what i'm doing i am gonna drop i'm getting back down to my fighting weight which i have not been since like the end of 2019 um all right i've fucking i've had it the fat shaming that is going on in my bathroom every morning when i brush my teeth shirtless

i get right in my grill look what the fuck you did look what you did i turned sideways i turned you know it's a great one you turn three quarters of the way around and you can still see the front of your stomach That's when you just

You really look at your wife

And really You'll see the front of your stomach.

That's when you just.

You really look at your wife.

And realize how much she loves you.

Like she's putting up with this.

This is fucking horrific.

Whatever.

So.

You know what's funny too.

Is everybody's going. What are you talking about dude.

You're in great shape.

I'm like dude.

It's the winner.

I have on a peacoat. Do you know how fat you you have to be to look fat in a fucking pea coat how many dozens of donuts you got to eat and then let's look at the other side how much fun is it becoming that fat because i went to um i went to go see billy gibbons at the fucking City Winery with Chris Layton on drums.
Just an amazing, amazing, amazing time. But ZZ Top came out like 10 years before my generation started going to concerts.
75, 76 first concert was fucking 86 right so uh i um i was sitting in the crowd i went to the show by myself right my my buddy ended up getting a gig so all right i have no friends i went there by myself right and the crowd was like 10 years older than me.

And you just looked around the room and you saw people that like, you know, held themselves to a certain standard. You know, like still working out or whatever.
But then seeing people 10 years older than me that just said, fuck it, you know, you know, that stupid thing that, that, you know, that they came up with that kids kids say now, like, dad, I want to have a yes day. Like whatever I say, you're going to say yes to.
It's like, no, that's no, I'm going to hear what the fuck you said. I'm going to lean towards yes.
But if it doesn't make any sense, I'm not doing it right. These people had like a yes life and you're watching them right just these fuck like they're sitting down their stomach goes to their fucking knees they don't have a lap anymore you know what i mean it's like when you got that crazy snowstorm it's like a snow drift and they show the person who can't open their door yeah that's them except it's all fucking donuts and ice And you're just sitting there watching them, and they're cracking open a bottle of wine.
One appetizer after another is coming to the table like they just conquered a nation or something. They're having a fucking feast.
And I used to look at them with contempt. Like, would you look at this fat fuck, right?

I don't do that anymore.

Now I look at him with, like, envy.

Like, that's another way of doing it.

Can you imagine just never going on a diet?

Never watching your drinking.

Never watching, eh, I think I'm smoking too much. You have a craving and you just satisfy it.

Your whole fucking life.

You get gout at, like, like 32 you just drop at 52 you know looking like you're 86 and then there's all of these people that are eating like edamame and shit just shaking their heads at your funeral and you know and if you look at like how long the earth has been here and how short your life is,

and you're going to get 30 more years than that guy eating fucking edamame and doing sit-ups, and he was just eating fucking banana splits after a Thanksgiving dinner, just not giving a fuck. I don't know.
I mean, they say gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, but I don't know. From where I'm sitting sometimes, it looks like a lot of fun.
Anyway, let me do the advertising here for this week. I also got to kind of get off because people are...
Sorry, this is going to be late today, but I at least had to get through this shit before I started my rehearsals for the day. All right, so I'm going to do the reads right now.
All right, here are the reads for the week. Oh, Squarespace.
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I think it's supposed to say domain. Um, all right.
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All right. Would you just walk in and look at it because they fired everybody?

The nerve of this Twitter fucking guy to act like he's firing all these fucking people for us.

You know, there's too much waste. Bullshit.

You don't want anybody in your way.

Who has a manic episode and starts Sieg Heilink accidentally?

I've never seen that.

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You know, I took my kids to a museum the other day, right?

A kid's museum.

And you go in, there's a coat check.

So they go, just give us your cell phone number.

That'll be your coat check thing.

It's like, I'm not fucking doing that.

How about I give you my name?

Oh, we can't do that.

So my wife steps in, gives her her fucking number, right? Then we go in. And then the next thing is you have to walk up to an iPad and you have to register and like sign the waiver.
It's a fucking kids museum. They go, it's just, you know, for our protection against liability.
And I go, no, it's not. This is an information suck.
And then you're going to turn around and sell that. We don't do that.
It's like, you don't do that. You don't do that with your little fucking headpiece there.
Like you're working the drive-thru. You don't do that.
But the people you work for do. This happens more and more.
You can't go to any of these fucking places. All they want to do is get all your information.
I watch these fucking morons just giving away all their information. Hey, you're going to take your kid into the McDonald's playground.
Could I have your social security number? And they just stand there, one, two, three, four, five. Fucking morons.
Anyway, I was excited that a bunch of people were outside the courthouse when Luigi was going on trial. You know? Who knows? Maybe he'll get off like Michael Jackson and do a dance on top of a limousine.
That was a bad comparison. All right.
Let's get to the... There was a Democrat, too.
I shouldn't have said Democrat. There was just a politician that was standing up against these fucking idiots trying to get rid of all of this government like they're doing it for all of us to stop waste.
It's so they can be even more free to take more fucking stuff from everybody else. I mean, the fact that people at this point, I swear to God, you know, if you're a billionaire because of your company, but somebody who works for you is working 40 hours a week and they can't make their rent, that means you're taking too much.
Like, how fucking hard is that? How fucking hard is that? Anyway, I don't want to get back on that shit. All right.
Let's get into this stuff. This is only going to be like a 45-minute podcast because we're getting into rehearsals here really quickly.
All right. Somebody's writing in here.
Dry salads. Dear Billy Ruff Ruffage, for the love of God, please put a little olive oil on your salads.
Do you know what happens to people who eat dry salads? They start wearing beige corduroys and listen to NPR when they need a little excitement. They drive Saab's and go to poetry readings.
Hey, you watch your fucking mouth when you bring up Saab's. The fucking Saab twin turbo in the 1980s was like one of the only cars that had balls and was fast.
In fact, all the European shit and the Japanese shit, because they de-balled the fucking American shit with the catalytic converter. Oh, wait a minute.
You had the Buick Grand National too. Even like the IROG-Z was like 300 horsepower.
It's nothing compared to now. Anyways, continuing on.
I'm offering you a room in my aunt's house in Sardinia so you can get some healthy fats and vitamin D in your life. Dude, I still eat half an avocado with breakfast.
Love you and can't wait to see the play. Did you guys see that woman? She was a vegan and she went to climb Mount Everest because she wanted to prove that just because you're vegan doesn't mean you're not strong and she died of altitude sickness

so all these idiot meat eaters are like oh yeah she was dying she probably was telling you that

like and they all ignored the fact that that Mount Everest is littered with the dead bodies

of meat eaters for over a century you don't die up there because of your diet.

You're dead because you're at an altitude

above a fucking American Airlines flight to Los Angeles.

That's why you're dying.

Not because you eat Brussels sprouts

or you ate half a fucking cow before you did it.

Anyway. not because you eat brussels sprouts or you ate half a cow before you did it um anyway they're all up there they're just dead and you know what's going to happen with global warming is those bodies are finally going to decompose and then nobody's going to go up the mountain because it's going to smell so bad for a couple years until they turn to dust.
And some of the really old guys who have the wooden skis and shit, those guys that died in the 1930s, they're going to decompose in about a fucking week because they're not full of preservatives. And what you're really going to see is sort of like a graph of how poisoned our fucking diet has become.
Because there's going to be a few, like that chick who just fucking died, who was a vegan, who is still eating all of this fucking lettuce and stuff that had all these carcinogens on them. I guarantee you she's going to look like she's just taking a nap for about six months before she starts.
I'm guaranteeing it with no science background whatsoever. All right.
Dirty public saunas. All right.
Dear Bill, you recently talked about how concerned you are using public saunas. This was partially due to sanitary concerns and some discrete levels of homophobia.
It's not discrete levels of homophobia. You go there, there's signs that say this thing is closed down because of inappropriate behavior.
That's not homophobic. Homophobic would be if it wasn't happening in there.
Okay? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the gay lifestyle. I'm just saying you walk into a sauna, it's a flip of a coin whether or not you're going to walk into a sword fight.
Right? Am I nuts? Those signs are just there to be there? Anyway, I too love spending time in the sauna. Until recently, I had no issues using public saunas.
I never encountered any men that seem closeted in the sauna. Usually just old wrinkly men that want to talk your ear off.
Oh, the old guys are hilarious too. And they have no problem walking in there completely fucking naked.
Showing their Korean war era fucking junk. However, my university has a sauna in one of its many physical education buildings, and many of the other students don't actually know it's there.
Apparently, the janitors don't know it's there either. One day in the evening at home, my beautiful young lady noticed a strange-looking patch of skin on my left butt cheek.
Oh, God. Upon further inspection, I realized it was ringworm or something very similar.
I treated the skin fungus and forgot about it. Oh, my God.
This is a horror story here. As I continued to use the sauna, I noticed the same little spots of dirt and little pieces of trash in the corners and on the floor.
Gradually becoming more concerned, I noticed more and more patches of random skin fungus on my legs and ass. Oh no.
By this point, I put the pieces together and realized the sauna was never getting cleaned and likely hosting a variety of nasty funguses and probably more. 100%.
I stopped using the sauna and I immediately noticed I was no longer having mystery skin fungus appear on my beautiful ass and legs. Suffice to say, your fears of saunas being unsanitary are totally valid.

Yeah.

I go in there with my own flip-flops,

bathing suit,

and a towel wrapped around me.

I never go skin-to-skin contact.

You can't do it.

You can't do it.

Perhaps the skin fungus I picked up

was from a couple fellas

getting real personal in the steam room after hours. Who knows? Nah, I mean, it's just...
People are... I don't know.
It's the combination of everybody's bacteria. And it's gross.
I'm going to start gagging if I keep talking about it. Anyway, thanks for the laughs and helping me through the toughest of times.
Much love and go fuck yourself. Sincerely, you're fair.
I feel like the best steam rooms are the ones at hotels.

You know, I feel like they're really concerned about getting sued.

And all of that stuff.

They actually have signs that say don't stay in there longer than 15 minutes.

Kids under the age of 11 or 12 can't go in there.

It seems like there's a lot of lawyer-y kind of shit going on, but I definitely make sure I never go in there. And then the towel that you're wrapped in, you can't ever use that to wipe your face.
You bring another one in, like the hand one, and that's the only one that goes up to your face, and then that's it. And then you go back to your room and you immediately take a fucking shower vigorously oh my god and then you combine that with people banging in there it's just it's just it's fucking wild um all right parking lot punct, Billy Broadway, I wanted to get your opinion on a situation I find myself in after getting hit in a parking lot a couple weeks ago.
You got run over or you were in your car? I was sitting in my car while parked in a lot looking down at my phone when I felt a sudden jolt. I realized I had been hit from behind and got out to see what happened.
The guy got out and apologizing, saying he was looking the other way and didn't see me. I asked for his insurance info, and he spent a couple minutes trying to pull it up on his phone, failing to actually log into his account, claiming he can't remember what his mom had it under.
This is a middle-aged man, by the way. So take a picture of his license plate.
After waiting for him out there as long as I could in the zero degree weather, I asked him if there was anything else he had that I could have as a document and at least managed to get a picture of his registration and his card for where he works in town. I basically told him I can try and work it out with him if he doesn't want to go through insurance, but don't screw me.
I then got a couple of quotes on my bumper over the next few days and brought them to his work. You could tell he was shocked by the number.
And to be fair, it was a ridiculous amount for what had to be done. $1,500 to replace the bumper on a Subaru.
Dude, the second he's acting like he doesn't have insurance, you got to run it through your insurance. I told him if he needs to spread it over a couple of months, I'll work with him and said if he talk it over with his wife and let me know what they can do.
Oh my God, nothing in writing. He now emails me a little over a week later and says, it'll have to be about four months until he can pay me anything, claiming he has bills.
And I get it, but we all have bills. He then follows it up with, plus it's not an emergency if you get it done since you just have the crack the size of a silver dollar.
And while he's exaggerating little on the sides of it, who is

he to decide what an emergency is

for me? Yeah, because you were nice to the guy.

No good deed goes unpunished.

It's my favorite expression.

With how much I've been trying to be nice and

work with him, this is the part

what really bothered me.

So my question is,

how would you respond to this? Yeah, nothing.

I would just fucking run it through my insurance company. If it's not too late.
I feel like I've given him every bit of grace, yet he's still acting this way, so it doesn't give me hope that he's going to be a man of his word. I was trying to help him avoid insurance, etc., but it looks like I might have to go more of that route.
Absolutely you do. Fuck this guy.
You try to be a nice guy, he's not being nice back. It's done.
No more Mr. Nice Guy.
Run it through your insurance. He said, or at least threaten it to see if it helps inspire him to actually get the money.
No, this guy gets threatened every day by his creditors. He doesn't give a fuck.
He's stringing you along, hoping you're going to get bored. I would run it through your insurance, and he's not going to have any insurance.

Surprise, surprise.

Love seeing you the last time you were in Colorado Springs.

Hope you can make it out to Colorado again soon.

Thank you, and go rear-end yourself.

Oh, I see what you did.

I see what you did there.

All right.

Oh, boy.

Wife cheated on me and got the house.

Oh, the double whammy. Hey, Billy Buffoon Bags.
Last May, my wife went away for the weekend and didn't tell me where her and her friends were going. She left me home with our two kids and said, I just want one weekend to refresh myself.
I couldn't understand why she wouldn't just tell me what hotel she was going to. Wow, she was sloppy from the beginning.
Cut to a few months later, a friend of mine at work who had only met my wife once saw her at a restaurant cozying up to another guy, cozying up or making out with him. A week after he saw her, he had the opportunity to bring it up to me that he saw her and asked if we were separated.
Oh no. Yeah, that's more than cozying up.
My heart sunk because I was suspecting this much for some time. I confronted her and she admitted she did.
Or at least she admitted it. But instead of feeling any remorse, oh boy, she started yelling at me and giving me reasons why it was my fault.
I hate to say this, dude, this all tracks. We're now going through a divorce and it looks like she'll be keeping the house and getting half of my 401k retirement.
I was once on pace to retire by 55.

But those plans are out the window.

Oh my God.

I'm in therapy and trying to get my life together.

It's really difficult knowing she's happy and eating well.

While I'm miserable and have to force myself to eat.

Dude, let me tell you something right now.

Okay, before I get any further.

Okay, this is what you have to know in life. The only person that has the power to put your fucking light out is you.
Don't give that power to her. All right? You got to understand, okay, she's an old bag, just like you.
All right? But the thing about it is, is women are very forgiving. So you can go out very easily and get yourself a hot girlfriend.
She's fucked. She's on the other side of the rainbow.
All right? The only thing she's going to be getting out there is some guy that needs a half a bottle of fucking Viagra just to stay up past 10 o'clock. All right? Who cares? She got a house and a bunch of fucking stuff.
Okay? There's nothing preventing you from just downsizing a little bit. Just live within your means.
Okay, dude? There's people out there today who got into a fucking car accident and they're paralyzed from the neck down. What would you rather have? You want to lay there dealing with that shit? Or you got some fucking broad that went out and cheated on you? Join the fucking club.
It's happened to everybody. All right? Fuck her.
Fuck her. Get on with your life.
Don't let her take you for half your 401k and your fucking house and your happiness. You got to have control over something.
All right. Anyway, we live in a no fault state, which means it doesn't matter who committed infidelity or what the reason is.
Everything gets split in half. I understand the state has to be a babysitter for adults in these situations and hearing out each side can be subjective, but it still sucks.
Dude, there's an end to this. There's an end to child support and there's also an end to alimony.
Okay? And this person's going to be out of your life. He said, I'm kind of a quiet person.
I know it's going to be hard for me to meet another woman. I would really like some advice or encouragement.
Yeah, dude, you know what? This is your opportunity to stop being a quiet person. And find the same way as a comedian.
The turning point in a comedian is when you start finding the humor in bombing. When you can go on stage with the hope that this shit's going to make people laugh and then they don't and how stupid you feel afterwards, if you can get outside the pain of that, it starts to become funny.
And then what happens is rather than being like a running back in the NFL, running upright, taking all the hits, it becomes like glancing blows. And you know when to step out of bounds and fucking laugh at yourself or whatever, to use a football analogy.
All right? There's no fucking reason. This isn't the end, dude.
This is the beginning. Okay? And maybe because you were such a quiet person, you ended up with the kind of person that ends up cheating on you and then yells at you.
All right? Listen, your life is going to be so much better. And I guarantee you, there's a woman out there that went through the same bullshit with some fucking asshole guy.
All right? And when you guys get on the other side of this and you find each other, you know, and you're both going to respect each other, you're going to trust each other, you're going to have a great time in a fucking Jimmy Buffett pool at one of his goddamn hotels before you, whatever the fuck you're into. All right.
Okay. But you decide, don't let her fucking decide.
Don't ever let these fucking assholes, whoever they are, your boss, anybody decide whether or not you get to enjoy your life. All right.
Anyways, this person said, I would never be writing to you except my cousin

told me to consider what Bill Burr would do or say, ah, look at this, and get my confidence back.

I know there's no easy fix to this. No, there isn't.
There isn't. And you got to go through

this, and you got to cry this shit out of you. I'm not saying you got to do it in front of other

men. We're not comfortable with that.
But, you know, the reason why women live longer than us

is when they go through heartache, they cry it out, and they talk it out. So you do that.
But, you know, the reason why women live longer than us is when they go through heartache, they cry it out and they talk it out. So you do that.
Okay? She already took half your 401k in your fucking house. Don't let her take your life too or your enjoyment.
All of those decisions are yours. All right? So have yourself a good cry.
Sit up straight and get out there and start talking to some broads and turn your fucking life around. All right? Don't get married again.
Not for a while. Get the fucking NFL package.
There's a bunch of little things. You forget how simple you were before a woman was in your life.
What do you need? What do you need? Fucking L-shaped couch. Pull out fucking bed.

Finishing up my podcast. Sorry.
All right. I got to wrap this up.
Pull out bed and a fucking

flat screen TV and the sports packages is in your good. Or whatever.
Maybe go to a museum and be

able to talk about paints and attract a sophisticated broad. All right.
That's the podcast. I got to get