Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
Checking in on you. Seeing how your week's going.
Are you staying away from the news, man? Starting that shit. I had a fucking great night last night.
Oh, well, good for you, Bill. glad you had a great fucking night

why don't you rub it in everybody's faces? I went out and I did a couple of spots. Really like the New York Comedy Club on the Lower East Side, man.
Great room, you know? So I went down there and... I don't know i i tried out i had this new joke i was trying out that i had such hope for you know just is always you know setting yourself up for disaster when you go on stage like oh boy.
Oh, way to get a load of this one.

Turned out the reference I was talking about, people didn't, it hasn't become mainstream yet, so I had to kind of explain what it was and then get into the other thing, which slowed it down on the first show. But then I went over to the cellar, and um I found a

I figured out a funny way to explain it and I can't remember if I did it before or after I just I can't remember if I plowed through the joke and then explained it after I think that's what I did I don't know and then I was able to tie something in with that and then tie something else together on something else and it was yeah it was fantastic I was psyched you know because I've been doing a lot of stand up and get rusty quick. But I have been going to my big gay gym.
Which has been fucking great. I've been going to that every single day.
Just about. I take one day off a week.
And. Holy shit.
I mean. Old Freckles, he let himself go.
Like, I am, like, dropping weight and all of that. And I still sit down on the couch, and I can grab two fucking cheeseburgers in the front.
Like, doubles, too. You know what I mean? Like those Wendy's ones, where they just keep stacking them up.
So, you know, it's funny. I was telling somebody, fuck, man, I got gotta drop this way to her they think you look great i'm like i have a winter coat on everybody looks great with a winter coat i'm still going with the guys wearing shorts i saw a guy wearing like like short shorts like the ones guys used to wear when they ran marathons in the 1980s remember those like those fucking like nylon and then it's cut up like the side a little bit like you know oh behave right but what's funny as i see this guy he's got those short shorts on but then he has like one of those fucking you ever see those homeless people winter coats like the i sleep out slide side fucking coats he's got one of those on and a big fucking hat so like it's if you run hot why don't you just wear a windbreaker why does everybody have to look at your stupid man legs as you walk up the goddamn street it doesn't make any fucking sense then i'm thinking like well your face is always exposed and your face gets used to it, so maybe their legs do.

I don't know.

I don't know what it is.

I still think a lot of it is like an attention thing.

Or they went on Instagram.

You know that long-haired guy who can jump into the Arctic Ocean and swim around and scientists are baffled

because he does this alkaline breathing or

whatever the fuck it is and he doesn't freeze to death and they're sort of baffled by that

and he's like no yeah i'm alkaline breathing like alkaline to me was

something that was used when you were talking about a battery

and i don't mean a salt and i just mean a battery and um

Thank you. I'm talking about a battery.
And I don't mean a salt and. I just mean a battery.
That you would put into something that needed to be battery operated. See what I just did there? I explained the reference.
That's what I have to do in that fucking joke. Did you feel all the momentum? The modem? Go out of this fucking podcast? Anyway, so very excited.
I have a little bit of a break from rehearsal starting tomorrow. So I'm going to give me a ticket on an aeroplane.
Going to play the Wheel of Fortune game. I'm going to go home and see my family, and I cannot fucking wait.
I'm hoping they are as excited to see me as I am as excited to see them. That would be a real fucking gut punch if my kids are just like, oh, hey, man.
No, hey.

Good to see you too, pops.

You know, but.

But I thought everyone cared.

You know, that would be brutal.

So anyway, I.

I'm lifting four times a week and then the other times I'm just doing, walking on a treadmill and doing a little bit of the speed bag there. Oh, Billy, speed bag what I got going on.
I've been watching some more 70s car movies. I watched The Driver with Ryan O'Neill and Bruce Dern.
Really fun movie. It's just fucking car chases and people fucking being badasses.
Bruce Dern plays the cop trying to catch Ryan O'Neal. There's a lot of stiff performances.
Bruce Dern's always great, but I think they were trying to do some minimalist thing where they pull it off with Escape from New York. I don't know about this one.
But when I was growing up, the two guys that I thought were the luckiest guys in the world were lee majors and ryan o'neill simply because both of them were were you know lee majors was dating farrah fawcett first and there is a picture look up if you want to see the most 70s photo do you want to know what what like if you were on top in the 70s looked like? Like, how great life could be? Look up Lee Major's Farrah Fawcett jogging. It's one of the most amazing photos you're ever going to see.
It was like, the world was like that even for a weekend.

It was amazing.

They're both fucking tanned

up, not worried about skin

cancer, not even remotely, right?

Lee May just got on the fucking

Larry Bird short shorts

and then he has on

a matching zip-up

with no shirt underneath it

and he's doing the macho man thing where he's showing up his tan, hairy chest.

And then if you watch The Driver with Ryan O'Neill, the whole movie,

the whole movie, he is walking around with his shirt, you know,

buttoned down to his man cleavage. It was called being a macho man.
They even wrote a song about it. Macho, macho man.
I want to be a macho man. Yes, the times were very deep, musically.
No, that was pop music. There was still a lot of shit going on.
Weather Report with Jacob Astoria. Anyway.
So, what do you follow up watching The Driver with? Well, that's easy. I mean, it's a no-brainer.
I'm watching Corvette Summer with Mark Hamill. Where he He cuffs, he finds his Corvette Summer with Mark Hamill, where he finds this Corvette in a junkyard.
And this car is beyond fucked up. It's an orange Corvette Stingray.
The body's made out of fiberglass, and it looks like somebody dropped it off a building. And somehow they take the car back to their high school shop class and through donations

from the locals he turns it into like you know like today would be a hundred and twenty thousand

dollar car but back then it was probably like forty five hundred bucks or whatever right

um and they customize the thing.

The car gets stolen.

He gets word that it's in Las Vegas.

So he's going to go out to Vegas to get his car back,

and he meets, and I swear to God,

on the road trip out there, he's hitchhiking out there,

he meets an aspiring prostitute. One of the best lines in any movie ever.
She's like, don't you get it? I'm a hooker. This is what I'm doing with all of this downtime um the astounding loneliness that i'm experiencing when i'm not working on the play or going out um doing stand-up spots am i doing stand-up because i love stand-up or am i doing it because i'm fucking lonely um probably a little bit of both but in the meantime i've been uh i've been watching these great car movies from the 70s it's just they're just fantastic just seeing cars that just went away like the pontiac catalina i remember as a kid i didn't like the car because I thought the rear end of the car made the car look like it was sad.
They did this thing with the brakes where it was like horizontal and then it wrapped down on the side of the car. And it always looked like, you know, like instead of a smiley face, it looked like a frown to me.
And I remember telling my mother that when I was a kid I said I don't like those cars she said why not I said because they look sad and she was like oh because it looks like a mouth and then I was all excited like oh I said a thing and an adult acknowledged it this is amazing you know that didn't happen a lot in the 70s and if you want to know why it didn't go back to that lee majors farrah fawcett jogging down the fucking street that was that was it that was all of instagram you know all those fucking videos and shit um clips and everything that you watch on instagram what have have you called it, a post, all of those things where you watch it and it's so visually stimulating, you like it, but like, you know, somewhere in your chest, you start getting this sad, depressed feeling that you're not doing enough or you're not, you don't have abs or you're whatever the fuck it is that making you feel like, right? Yeah, we didn't have social media back then. We had People Magazine and shit like that.
And like these fucking photos, once a week they would come out and all the housewives would be buying up, you know, everything from People Magazine to the star in the Inquirer. And they were just, those are like tabloid ones for like, you know, really dumb housewives.
And then sort of the elevated housewife would read People Magazine. And then the cold, heartless mother would get Time magazine.

Those were all generalizations, I'm just saying.

I remember a long time ago, I had an acting gig.

You know?

And I was working with somebody that was super famous.

And this person was reading the National Enquirer. It was a long ago like 20 fucking years ago it was before social media and i was like i can't believe i can't believe you're reading that because like all the celebrities hated that thing because they would say all this horrible shit about him she goes yeah i know but like you know as much as they lie all the time, she goes, they get a lot of stuff right.
She goes, not the stuff about like aliens and all of that stuff, but like people's relationships, they get that stuff right. I always found it funny how women follow like other, other people's relationships.
You know? Like, the way men follow sports. And then they, like, choose sides.
I'm on side so-and-so. I'm on side fucking whatever.
It's just like, why do you give a shit? They're going through a breakup or they're going through a divorce. It's their own, you know, it's got to be painful.
it's just like why do you give a shit they're going through a breakup or they're going through a divorce it's their own you know it's got to be painful it's their own business what the fuck you know why don't you watch sports gamble away your paycheck on something that is feeling more and more manipulated as the seasons go by right why Why wouldn't you do that? Anywho, so my goal is not to be a fat fuck and throughout the course of this play finally take off this, I was saying the other day, I'm getting this COVID weight off. And somebody goes, COVID? They go, that was a long fucking time ago i was like i had a kid during covid i never got it off been walking around i remember when i turned 50 i was like i'm going fucking sting from the police in my 50s i'm gonna be lean and mean i'm doing fucking yoga every other day i'm fucking doing this i'm fucking doing that and then like i was doing great i was down to my fighting weight what's that a reference to my fighting weight bob pogo on f is for family my fighting weight um anyway yeah i was down to that and then um Bob Pogo, haven't thought dave keckner used to fucking kill us when we were going in when he was going into the uh going into the booth i remember one time he was reading something that we wrote and he was he was being all big when Bob Pogo used to yell.

And he was in the fucking booth.

And as he was doing the lines, it looked like he was doing the backstroke, too.

He was flailing his house backwards.

And we were in there watching him do it.

Me and Mike Price and David Richardson, rest his soul.

Mark Wilmore, rest his soul. We were all in there fucking dying laughing.
Anyway, I got down to my fighting weight and yeah, that was 2019. Yeah, and then COVID hit.
And, you know, I was like most people I was like all right this will last a week all right this will be two weeks all right come on guys let's get it together let's stay away from each other and this thing will burn itself up everybody just do what they're saying everybody just stay away from each other and it can't spread right right that makes sense right everybody no and it just kept going and going and going and going and uh i don't know so how i dealt with it is i would fucking i i don't know i just we i started hanging out later and later at night with my wife and i was was fucking eating ice cream sandwich. Oh, that's what I did.
For some stupid fucking reason, I went down a rabbit hole. And I remember there was this, when I was a kid, I was living on the East Coast.
And they had like, you had milkshakes and you had fraps. Which, what was fucking better than that when you were a kid right ice cold sugar right to your fucking brain and um my grandparents lived out in the midwest and we went out to the midwest and we would go to bob's big boy and they had malts they had a malted milk so they put malt in it.
And it had this great aftertaste. And me and my siblings love these things.
So for whatever reason, I don't know what happened. I went down this fucking rabbit hole of reading the history of where the frap came from.
It came from like New Jersey. and then it worked its way up to fucking Massachusetts, all of this shit.

And the difference between a malted milkshake

and blah, blah, blah,

and it just took me back, you know,

riding in a Caprice Classic station wagon,

road trip, you know,

out to Ohio, Illinois, Michigan.

We were going all around out there.

We kept stopping at these Bob's Big Boys, and I got a taste for it. So I ended up buying malt.
And I went on YouTube and learned how to make a malted milkshake, like this elevated thing. And that was it.
I've been a fat fuck ever since. You know, there's a lot of warnings out there about, like, everything from fucking, you know, heroin to fucking vaping.
But, like, there's nothing out there to warn you about if you learn how to make your own fucking milkshake at home. I don't know.
You know, sometimes I think about that, where they talk about how, you know, as you get older, your metabolism slows down so it's hard enough to keep the weight off. It's like, I don't think that's necessarily what it is.
It's part of it. But the other part is you now live on your own and you own a blender, okay? And there's no one there to tell you to go to bed and to say, no, you already had a cookie today.
You're not having another. You're not having a second dessert.
God damn it. Get upstairs before I give you a race to go upstairs.
You don't have that anymore. You know.
Then you're working in a cubicle and this isn't what you dreamed of. And you're still trying to figure out what your dream is.
And you're on fucking Instagram. And everybody's dreams are coming true evidently every two seconds.
Except for yours. And you're like, what the fuck? And then you look over at your blender and it's over on the counter.
Like, hey man. I think there's a reason you never really put me away like you do all the other things in the kitchen like i think there's a reason i'm out here out in the open man you we're supposed to we're supposed to be together man making things man right so what do you do do you a fucking smoothie? Which I don't even know if those things are healthy.
You gotta put like 40 pieces of fruit in there. Like, how much sugar is that? Why don't you just have one apple? Because it's not yummy.
I want it to be yummy. That's another thing, too.
All of these fucking cunts with this diet shit that tastes good

stay anything that that says it's going to help you lose weight and but it still tastes good

is fucking nothing but chemicals i'm convinced of that so i'm literally to the point i have

salads now with no dressing on it which is one of the worst things you're ever going to do

Thank you. of that.
So I'm literally to the point, I have salads now with no dressing on it, which is one of the worst things you're ever going to do the first time.

But after the third time, you get used to it,

and you start to get into what your addiction becomes is being

level, rather than the sugar, salt spike.

You know what I mean? Like, here we are. Three, two, one, lift off.
You know that shit. Yeah! And you just have this boundless energy for about 17, 18 minutes before you come crashing down, you know, right at the half hour mark.
You're like, what does life even mean? I've been trying to avoid all of that shit. So, um, I don't know.
It's been going all right. I made my own mayonnaise.
I mean, guys, I don't know what to tell you. I am just fucking the loneliest I've been.
Like I used to be able to be this guy

before I fell in love with my wife

and had two amazing kids.

I'm glad.

I've discovered, I was like,

alright, I used to do this.

I'm German-Irish.

I can just wall off the loneliness

and just function.

And I'm proud to say I can't anymore. I'm lonely.
I'm sad. And yeah, that's where I am.
I feel like I might be going through menopause. I don't know what this is.
Anyway. I had some somebody the other day day just started telling me what it was like to go through menopause and I don't even know how we got on the fucking subject but once this person got going she wouldn't stop and you know when someone's just fucking going and you're not looking at them you're just sitting there with your eyebrows up You know, you know, when someone's just fucking going and you're not looking at them, you're just sitting there, you know, with your eyebrows up, you know, which is the clear, polite way of saying, okay, I got it.
But she wasn't stopping.

Like Charlie in Platoon.

Charlie ain't stopping this time.

I got a bad feeling, man.

She just kept fucking going.

I was sitting in a comedy club.

This woman of a particular age started telling me that she was going through menopause

and what it was like,

and that I had no idea what it was like to go through it and it's just like yeah yeah i don't i i don't have any idea because i'm a man so why the fuck i obviously i don't know do you know what it's like to fucking throw your back out for the first time when you're 12 because that's what a guy does and then for the rest of your life they still it's back it's just a mystery we really don does. And then for the rest of your life, and they still, it's back? It's just a mystery.
We really don't know. And then for the rest of your life, you have a fucking bad back? How many women out there do you meet with a bad back? I bet that's happening more and more now that the fucking nerds at the top are just keeping all the money.
Do you ever think we would live in a world like this? Nerds. You just got your asses whipped by a bunch of goddamn nerds.
Nerds! How great was John Goodman in Revenge of the Nerds? That guy is so fucking effortlessly amazing. If he's doing drama or comedy, one of them, one of the fucking.
Best like off camera fucking hilarious things I've seen an actor do. He did in Revenge of the Nerds.
He's sitting on this stage and he has a starter's pistol because he's going to shoot it, I forget what, to start some sort of event. And, you know, the other people are talking in the scene and on the master, he's in the shot sitting there and he had the presence of mind with, he's just looking at the starter's pistol and then he just sort of points it at the floor and closes one eye like he's aiming it.
Just looking like the complete psycho that his character was. It was such a subtle thing.
And I watched that movie so many times when it came out on cable and I missed it. You know, the first four times I saw it.
And then one of my buddies saw it, and we just died, you know, we had a VHS tape, rented it from the video store, you know, that's another reason why people are so fat, you used to have to go out to the video store, try to get there early and box people out, you know, so you could rent Top Gun before it was sold out. Now you just turn on your fucking TV.
I don't know what I want to watch. Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling.
It's like a mall of entertainment. I mean, just wandering around.
I wonder what they're going to do with malls and storefronts. Like, what's that going to be? Like, in New York City, for the most part, unless you live in like a.

Like a doorman building, I guess a walk up building is the same way, but like.

All the buildings.

That are along the avenues, the ground floor is storefronts.

And I'm wondering, like, what are we going to do when all the stores are gone? And one nerd owns the store. I don't know.
That's a fucking weird world. But they're nerds.
So I feel like, you know, back in the day, like, I mean, how much of a fucking psycho lunatic was Joseph Stalin? Well, I guess they never took him out of power, did they? I guess he died of natural people. What did he die of? I can't remember.
I don't know. But we took out Hitler.
Right? You know, it's weird. I don't remember.
I don't know, but we took out Hitler.

Right?

You know what's weird?

I don't know what the emperor of Japan's name was.

He doesn't get as much screen time, does he, in Hollywood movies?

I should know that one.

My only reference over there for psychos is Pol Pot.

Right? The Killing Fields. Isn't that what that was? I don't know.
Do you think those mass murderers like that, do you think that they look at other mass murderers the way I look at like Richard Pryor and George Carlin? Like you do your psycho open mics and then you just work your way up i don't know all right anyways i'm babbling here all right that is the podcast thank you guys so much for listening and uh yeah i'm going to be psyched when i do the monday morning podcast because I have been with my family, which is the best ever.

All right, obviously.

I'm going to just say obvious shit to end this podcast.

All right, that is it.

Have a great weekend, you cunts.

Enjoy the music picked out by Andrew Thimless.

Then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

I will talk to

you on Monday. out my name Nothing seems to

bother me

Wish I had

a clue

Come on

Abuse me more

I like it Come on, abuse me more than I can

Well, I don a little jet lagged. I took a fucking red eye last night.
And there was this lady. You know, it's hilarious.
It's when you have a kid, if you actually go on the road, the big thing when you go on the road now is not, you know, not the booze, not the cigars, not hanging out with your friends. It becomes like, holy shit, I'm going to get eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
So I get on the plane and this woman, not in my row, but the next row over, she had a little baby and it was crying. And the dude next to me fell asleep and started snoring and uh i just started laughing and um the poor woman like she was traveling alone with this baby right and it was a baby too maybe a little bit older than mine i i don't i'm this is my first kid so i can't judge i don't know if this kid was two three months i don't know if it was 26 years old and had that disease that that fucking baby had in the Brad Pitt movie.
Remember that? Remember the old baby was just hanging around. And, you know, that guy wanted to, like, bang the chick.
And he's like, you got to get this old baby out of here because it's weirding me out. Which, you know, I'd like to think that that guy later on, once his dick wasn't hard and he was thinking clearly again, he probably was thinking, you know, I probably shouldn't have said that.
You know, I probably shouldn't have trashed that old baby. That was the name of a band I used to play in.
Old baby. And, you know, we got we got a record contract and everything but uh you know lead singer got an appendicitis i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about um anyway so the baby's fucking crying and the poor woman like she falls asleep and the baby's like freaking out screaming and she can't hear it because she's like she's fucking exhausted she's got a baby and she's flying with it so and i'm sitting there and i'm watching the thing squirming around and her hands are like not really holding it anymore so now it's like this situation like is this is this lady gonna drop that fucking baby so i'm staring over there i'm sure other people will look at me thinking i was giving her the evil eye because the baby was crying but i wasn't i was just i don't know what the fuck i thought i was gonna do because i still had my seat belt on my safety first then a baby's see that that's why i never be a hero.
Because what a true hero does is he sees

danger. And without any sort of self and he's and he's safe.
You know what I mean? That's to me is a hero. Like if you're if you're in a fucking bank, right? And these guys come in with guns, and they go to rob the place, and they said, we're gonna blow everybody's fucking brains up.
and then you act on that.

You're not really a hero to me.

Okay?

Because at no point in that scenario were you safe all right you were immediately in the situation so no matter how you slice it no matter how many fucking people you saved at the end of the day you were motivated to save your own ass and everybody else getting saved along with you is, you know, it's just collateral damage. I mean, it's positive.
But if you're outside the bank, you're like, holy shit, I'm out here. I'm eating a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich, you know, getting ready to go for a run, you know, fuel myself up.
You're stretching your fucking hammies and all of a sudden you see you i don't know you look at one of those fucking giant bank windows you see a robbery going down and then you go in there with your larry bird short shorts right and fucking try to stop the rob then to me yeah that's like you know i mean you know there's like the Hall of Fame and then there's also, you know, people who literally have like their own wing of a Hall of Fame. Yeah, to me, that's like, you know, that's when you get your own way.
But if you're already in the shit, I can't remember what the fuck I was talking about. Yeah.
OK. Not a hero.
Right. So.
I finally sort of flagged down the stewardess.

And she goes, yes, you know, what can I get you?

And I said, I think, what the fuck did I say?

I said, oh, I said, can that baby fall?

And she started laughing.

Because she thought I was being sarcastic, like I was upset with the baby crying. And she thought I meant like, can that baby fall on the ground and shut the fuck up? And she was like taken aback.
But she also laughed, which to me immediately made her really cool that she could laugh thinking that some guy was just being sarcastic, being like, can that baby please fall on the fucking floor of an airplane, knock itself out so I can get some sleep. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I mean, I'm concerned that it's going to fall. So she kind of went over there to make sure the baby was all right.
But I don't know. I'm a changed man.
My urge was to go over and hold the baby.

What's happened to me?

I'm becoming a fucking softy.

You know?

I told you before,

I never got mad at babies crying on airplanes

because I always felt

they were just expressing

exactly what I was feeling.

There's no way to get on an airplane

at some point, you know,

unless you're going on

some fucking great vacation.

But if you're getting on there

and you're going back

to see the relatives Thank you. There's no way to get on an airplane at some point, you know, unless you're going on some fucking great vacation.

But if you're getting on there and you're going back to see the relatives or some business trip or something like that, you know, and you just see some wide body coming down the fucking aisle and you're praying to God, the person's not going to sit next to you. But, you know, they're going to, you know, something's going to fucking happen.
it'd probably be really good for you for your life expectancy if you had access to your emotions that

you could just break down crying. God, I would love to see.
Imagine you got up on a fucking plane and there was just 300 adults in there just crying like babies. Yeah, that'd probably be a nightmare.
But there's a part of me who would think that that was awesome. Anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
So I, um, I'm telling this fucking story in the wrong way. I actually, yesterday I did, um, I presented at a Hollywood awards show.
Old Freckles, the big fucking phony himself, um, went all Hollywood, rented a tuxedo. Shout out to Mr.
Tux on Wilshire Boulevard. Wasn't going to say, yeah, I had to do the present thing and I just sort of wrote something.
And I quickly, when I got to the writer's guilt thing I immediately was like wow I should have not just written what I'm gonna say once I should have gone over this a bunch of times so I just was kind of going over it in my fucking head and um you know I thought it was just gonna be a bunch of writers but there was some like actors there and shit like Denzel was there and uh who's the other guy there uh James Woods it was like I don't know there was like serious fucking people there the thing was when you go up in front of a bunch of writers like no matter what they've accomplished you don't know what they look like so you can't get nervous like someone could literally have been sitting there and they wrote the best picture Oscar winner fucking nine years in a row or nine years I know what they look like but whatever you know they could accomplish shit like that you have no fucking idea like for the whole night they were just pulling people out of the crowd and I would be sitting there going I don't know who this guy is and. And then when they would say what the fuck they did, I was like, Jesus Christ.
So with every person they pulled out of the crowd, like, I don't know, I just felt like the pressure was getting more and more. And I just kept muttering to myself, this is it.
This is it. One and done.
I'm never doing one of these fucking things again. This is not, this is not my, this is not my thing.
I don't know what the fuck i'm doing here this is stupid these people are are smart they're accomplished like like the shit that you know some of the fucking people in the crowd the stuff that they do you know what it takes to write a movie and actually get it made and then get that fucking giant rock up the fucking hill as opposed to me who just hey here's a here's a shit joke I think I'll try this you know as I'm riding over on the subway to a club um I don't know it just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger and uh Patton Oswalt hosted it fucking murder his monologue was great. His monologue was so great, I kind of forgot that I had to go up.
I was just sitting there as a fan enjoying it. Fred Armisen was there and he went out and somehow gave his credit card information.
That's what he did before he said the nominees. And somehow he made that fucking hilarious.
And once again, it just made me feel like, why am I here? I shouldn't be here. So I'm finally waiting to go up.
And James Woods is giving some sort of Lifetime Achievement Award to Oliver Stone. Thank God this shit wasn't televised, which is also fucking, somebody made a reference to that.
Like nobody works fucking harder than those guys. And they won't even put it on TV because nobody knows what they look like, I guess.
Um, so he tells the whole fucking story of being best friends with Oliver Stone for 35 years. And I have to go on after this shit.
And I just. Yeah, that's why I just kept thinking.
I just kept I started looking at my watch the way I used to back in the day when I would do nooners, which is a stand up expression for basically you're doing a college gig. And the show is essentially at 12 noon or one in the afternoon it's usually in a cafeteria and it is a fucking nightmare you go up there and you have to do an hour you have to stand in front of you have to stand in public in a cat fucking college cafeteria in front of like god knows how many three four five six hundred fucking college students who have no idea that there's going to be any sort of performance.
Forget about a comedy show. And like the level of just fucking like, I don't even, I think it's like, it's really hard for me to be humiliated now after doing enough of those.
Like you just get so walled off. You just accept it.
You're like, okay, my life is going to suck like it's never sucked starting in about three minutes. However, in an hour and three minutes, I'm going to be back in my rental car and I'm never going to see these

fucking people again.

That's what that's what I that's the mindset I used to go into. I used to go up there and I used to just psych myself up to be like, how hard can I commit to these jokes? How big of an ass can I make of myself? and just to try to not give into the horror slash negative vibe of the situation.
Because if you did that, I learned the hard way. You were going to burn through an hour of material in like 17 minutes and you were going to be angry and your agent was going to get a call.
So anyways, James Woods is going on and on and on. He brings up fucking I don't mean that a bad way.
It's just that Oliver Stone has accomplished so many things. And Oliver Stone goes up there.
And after a night of fucking Trump bashing, just so eloquently stated that all the countries we've invaded, all of the stuff that we've done. And he said, during all of our history of doing this, there's been both Democrats and Republicans holding the office of president.
I thought I should have got more of an applause break, but, um, you know, I don't know. The Trump thing is just such low hanging fruit.
At some point, it's like we get it. Hollywood does not like Trump.
Having said that, this fucking guy went on stage and did the best Trump. I should have gotten his name.
I was so fucking nervous about what I had to do. He did the best Trump impression.
The fucking nuanced performance that he did. it just it was unbelievable and then he did a lot of really really fucking harsh jokes like even like writers they sit in fucking writer's room you wouldn't think that you could get them to pull back it's just because they're in public um and he just totally fucking committed.
So I got kind of inspired by that. So long story short, I'm sitting there waiting to go on.
And they mentioned that Oliver Stone, I guess, wrote Scarface, which I didn't know. And I remember my mother took us to go see that.
My youngest brother was nine at the time. So I thought that was pretty cool.
So I just went out there and I sort of winged it, told a story about how I used to think a pony was a small horse. And, and I don't even, I can't remember what I said, but I think it went okay.
And, um, I got off stage and I actually thought for half a second, like, you know what? That was actually kind of fun. And I realized that a lot of my aversion to award shows is just my own social anxiety of not knowing how to behave when there's a room full of people just saying positive shit to each other.
Like if that, if award shows were like absolute, I'm not talking like roasts. I don't like roasts either.
I don't know what happened to roasts. Roast to me used to be funny.
And then it just became just like this, you know, Tourette's thing. Hey, I wouldn't fuck you with a dog dick AIDS cock shit cunt.
You know, it's just like, all right, so-and-so's there. I'm not saying he wooka-wooka-wooka, but this guy, Baba Daba Dooboo, I find them fucking mind-numbingly boring.
But whatever, somewhere in between there, somewhere short of that. If it was totally negative, I would have been comfortable.
So I don't know what the fuck that says about me. So I figured out what my hang up was.
I will say, though, I still will never get past listening to fucking people talk politics and fucking the environmental issues and all of that shit. It's just like everybody knows.
We already know this shit. We already know it.
You're not going to inspire anybody. Like, you know, I kind of gave a shit about the environment.
But then when that guy from fucking Third Rock from the Sun said that shit about Antarctica, I was like, wait a minute. This is an important issue.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just a negative cunt.
Well, I am a negative cunt, but I'll never be able to get. I just I just think that's just like some like.

It's like the Beyonce thing, you know what I mean? Like, I never would have thought that somebody could like. Exaggerate the magnitude of creating life, but somehow she's done it.
my wife gets so upset when i make i don't i mean i don't

i can't really have any feelings. It's just fun to make fun of her.
Her fan base is just so fucking... I don't know.
I was like... I was driving me nuts when she was watching the Grammys and stuff.
Why does she get a four-hour performance and everybody else only gets like fucking six seconds? You know, Bruno Mars is running around doing a bunch of costume changes, you know? She comes out dressed like a Batman villain and fucking does like a 45-minute set. I didn't think it was fair to the other performers.
But you know what? I got to be honest with you. I don't think I name one so bootylicious that was uh that's when she was with those other two girls that she kicked to the curb if you're in an all-girl group or if you're in a boy band you can't at this point people have to be so fucking educated that you know at some point there's gonna be be like one person is going to go solo you know and be extremely successful and the rest of you are just going to be sitting around working at staples hoping that the person who left and is now wildly successful as a solo artist will eventually have a couple of shit albums so they have to come back to you to do a reunion tour you know what i mean like do you think justin timberlake's ever going to do the in sync thing maybe he has i don't fucking know um but all i can say i guess what i'm saying is if i was in a boy band way back in the day and I still had my reddish orange hair, I would save my money.
I'd be like, you know what? Someone's going to break out. I know it's not going to be me.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Anyways, how far into this podcast are we? I got to check.
fucking timer. Hey, how about fucking the Boston Bruins? We are undefeated with our new coach.
Coach, I don't even know if it was Bruce Cassidy or Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I already forgot his fucking name.
I've been so goddamn busy. Hey, you know what the best thing about having a baby is? Dude, you can watch so much fucking sports in the first three months before they learn how to crawl around and shit every morning.
It's like my faith. My like my daughter is like my new best friend.
I mean, I was going to happen anyway. Sorry for the extra noise.
I was setting the laptop down. My daughter's my new best friend.

Aside from the obvious that she's my blood, she's my daughter and everything,

but just like on a real level, she's my best friend.

I probably have watched like 20 games with her already.

Every morning, right?

The lovely Nia, you know, she's exhausted because she still has to breastfeed at night.

Well, I just have to wake up, you know, and change a diaper every once in a while. Sorry for the hiccups here.
So in the mornings, I try to give my wife like three hours at least. You know what I mean? Like I got it down where if she just feeds her, I can take her and then I can have her.
And, you know, I have like I have a little fucking bottle you know to feed her I can I can go three hours I can keep her calm for fucking three hours while uh my wife sleeps and all that type of stuff so what I do is I just tape games and every morning we come upstairs and I just put her on my chest and I just sit there and I watch games with her.

And if she starts to cry, you know what it is?

It's what's been working for me.

You know those giant exercise balls that people use for core strengths?

I just get on one of those and I just fucking bouncing up and down on the thing.

It gives them the feeling of weightlessness or some shit.

And if they start crying when you're doing the bouncing thing because it's killing my fucking back right i just go fucking crazy big air then they're just like you know it makes them almost almost like when a dog wants to kill somebody and if you just make a loud enough noise and they fucking look in another direction it just they completely forget that they to kill somebody. Babies are like that.
They start to cry. If you get their stomach to drop, they kind of make this face like, whoa.
Their eyes get big and shit. And then they just kind of get into that vibe.
And then you just slowly get it back down, two, three, four repetitions back down to the level that you have and they don't cry. And then eventually they fall asleep.
Then I got the fucking game on. And I've watched more fucking college hoop since going to that Duke-UNC game.
I've been, you know, obviously started taping all the Duke games. I watched Duke Virginia.
I missed them against Wake Forest yesterday, but I got all the rest of their year. I think they got like – they got Syracuse on Wednesday.
Then they got University of Miami and then Florida State. And then they play UNC again March 4th.
Even if you're not a huge fan of fucking college basketball, you got to watch that one. I watched Kentucky, Georgia.
So Georgia, you lose another heartbreaker. I watched Wisconsin, Maryland, which was fucking so boring.
I went into my fucking DVR and I had taped UNC, Virginia. And I watched that one instead.
I watched that fucking kid. What's his name? Number 44 on UNC.
The fuck is his name? It's alliteration. Justin Jameson.
No. I can't remember his fucking name.
I'm fucking sleep deprived here. Totally gotten into that.
Been watching the NHL and because of the all-star break, you know, the Celtics gave me a break, you know, because they were on the all-star break and I got to watch a bunch of college shit. So anyways, I landed here in New York, slept the whole fucking flight.
I had my eye mask and my earplugs and I was all good. That lady didn't drop that baby and everything was fine.
You know, nobody tried to hijack the plane. Everything was good.
And I get in the the car taking the cab ride over to the hotel and uh they had trump on the radio and it's just that fucking guy man jesus christ he was talking about some terrorist thing that happened in sweden he goes i mean this happened in sweden people sweden he yells sweden. He just sounded like I just, I cannot fucking believe.
I can't believe that this guy is president and I cannot believe that he's so successful at it. In that he's just implementing everything.
I didn't know you could just go around Congress with these fucking executive orders, man. It's fucking hilarious that he's just implementing everything.
Like, I didn't know you could just go around Congress with these fucking executive orders, man.

It's fucking hilarious that he's found yet another.

This guy is like the if there's like a Hall of Fame for finding the loophole.

I mean, he really is like he's a fucking genius.

I just wish he was more stable because, you know, Hillary would have scared the shit out of me in a much quieter, dignified way and not even dignified just as far as she knows how to give a fucking speech. But I don't know.
I don't know. The day he stops reacting to people saying shit about him at award shows,

I think I'll feel a little more comfortable with the fact that he's,

you know, in power.

This is like the most simple and basic thought I've ever had in my life,

right?

Is they keep talking about how the tensions,

you know,

that if Russia was actually in communication with Trump and Europe's all

nervous because Russia's fucking doing whatever over there and blah, blah, blah, blah. And these guys are thinking this and these guys are thinking that.
And I just was thinking like, hey, why doesn't everybody just fucking relax? You know, and I don't mean you. I don't mean me.
We're just regular. Everybody's just walking around, you know, living your life, getting a fucking newspaper.
Why don't these cunts up top, why don't you just fucking relax? I know this is way too overly simplified, but like I would have no fucking idea what another country was thinking or planning to do if you weren't yammering about it. All right.
And if the other people on the other side weren't yammering about what the fuck we're trying to do. You know, why don't we just stay? Everybody just stays home.
Where's your country? You fucking stay there. Right.
I don't mean refugees. I just mean leaders in your armies.
Just fucking stay there. We bring our guys back.
Everybody just sorts out their own shit. You know? And when people come to your country to go to your fucking water park or whatever, you give them the Mickey Mouse ears.
You put on a show. Why can't it just fucking be like that? You know why? Because they want to get the fucking, you know, natural resources and money.
That's all the fuck it is. That's all it is.
I don't give a fuck of any of that goddamn rhetoric. That's why the fuck they're doing it.
And all they do is sit there scaring the shit out of you. I just wish everybody could like regular people just collectively all at the same time be like, and fuck it.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. Fuck it.
Fuck everything you're saying. Fuck wars.
Fuck all of this shit. If you fucking rich cunts have a problem with each other, why don't you sit down at your yacht clubs and try and fucking work it out? You know, play a game of seven, seven fucking something stud, whatever the fine amount of card play, whatever the fuck it is you do, you know, enough with the blowing up of people and shit shit yeah i don't know i know it's completely oversimplified but like at some time but when i think about having mind control like that's what i think of doing i just have you know when like people on terrorist groups all the way to our country start saying we're gonna go to war it's just like yeah no no no we're not all righty then and then just see what the fuck they would do i think they would literally lose their fucking minds they wouldn't know what to do because they'd just be like well now what what am i gonna do if i'm not out there trying to get more what am i gonna do sit here alone with my own thoughts how many you think would actually take their own lives? Like take that fatty over there in North Korea.
I'm really in over my head, by the way, if you haven't realized it. This is like meet the press with no press or information.
It's the same thing. I'll probably get sued by that program for ruining their format.
That fat cunt there. You know, old old softy there doesn't have a whisker on his fucking face like you know what i mean like you ought to be able to grow a fucking crazy beard man you know that that's one thing i'll have to commend that i don't even know his name kim jong is that his name it was a kim jong il jr sunny boy um frank sinatra jr whatever the fuck his name? Or is it Kim Jong Il Jr.? Sonny Boy? Frank Sinatra Jr.? Whatever the fuck his name is over there.
Like the fact that he can't grow a beard and he still has people scared shitless. You know, like what if they could just collectively over there, everybody just be like, yeah, dude, we don't give a fuck anymore.
Right. And everybody just goes about their business.
He still gets to live in that big fucking house, but nobody listens to him. Like, like nobody will kill for him anymore.
No army will do anything, but he still gets to keep the giant fucking house. Like how fucking freaked out would he be? You know, nobody really goes over, talks to him or anything.
So eventually he has to come out and go to like a farmer's market, you know, and then you don't talk to him. You force him to acclimate himself socially, you know, like anybody else would if they were the new guy in town.
If I had mind control, that's what the fuck I would do. Would I? I don't know.
What do I? I would probably do some evil shit, if you could control the entire world's fucking brains, yeah, I don't think I, I don't think I can handle that power, fuck that, that was a dumb idea, all right, let's read some, let's read some fucking advertising here for this week, all right, all right, there we go, Jesus Christ, I'm done with that shit. Sorry for setting up my fucking laptop.
How much time are we up to here? Oh, 38 minutes. Perfect.
It's time to start reading some letters. Before I do, I want to thank everybody the night before the Patrice O'Neill benefit for everybody that has bought tickets once again.
And we've been able to keep this benefit going. And I cannot even begin to tell you how much this has helped his loved ones.
It's just been such a great thing. And as sad and tragic as it always will be that he passed way too soon, just all you guys stepping it up every year and seeing like just how much that has changed and helped the people that he was helping out when he was alive.
It's just, I can't thank you enough. All right.
Okay. Friday the 13th bullshit.
Oh, this is, this is in regards to, I was talking about that. Like why is Friday the 13th unlucky rather than Monday the 13th? So this person comes to me with this.
It says, Bill, with regards to your podcast involving Friday the 13th, the main superstition that spread was amongst sailors during the late 17th century who considered setting sail on any Friday to be a bad omen. And given that most people, including pirates, were God-faring Christians, the 13 relating to the Last Supper being the night before Jesus died, according to historical hearsay.
The 13 relating to the Last Supper the night before Jesus died. Were there 13 apostles? There was 12 apostles plus Jesus.
That was 13. If the 13th fell on front.
Well, first of all, I don't understand. Why did sailors wait until the 1700s? They waited 1700 years minus 32 years.
So they waited 1,668 years people have been sailing for fucking ever they were sailing back in jesus's day right well i guess there was no fucking social media so it took a while for the story to get out i don't know anyways if the 13th fell on friday most docks and ports would be emptied out as sailors believed this to be the greatest ill omen there could possibly be and for reason and reason enough not to work on the day or get out of bed for that matter, as most people of that time hung crucifixes over their bed and believed it to be the safest place in the house. Now, I'm going to say most people didn't do that.
You know what I mean? I would just say like if back in the day. If TV news existed.
Those were the people's houses that they would go to. And they would try to scare the shit out of everybody about Friday the fucking 13th.
But I think that there was a lot of fucking people back then. Even back then that were were just like, dude, are you fucking – there was people back then that said, Jesus, shit never happened.
They said, it's a couple of pieces of wood. It makes the shape of a cross.
It's not like some holy fucking thing. I imagine there was plenty of people.
Granted, they probably got lit on fire if they said some shit like that. I no idea so anyways it sounds pretty uh basic now but back in the day people simply didn't know any better if you fell sick around a friday you were unlucky around a around a 13th of a month also unlucky but the two together somehow was much worse dipshit ancestors they just just lacked the information jesus christ what about us we're the smart ones ruining the fucking oceans the great barrier reef is dead you know they didn't fucking go they would have killed it if they had the fucking opportunity you know what they're the same dipshits we are right now all right canadian uh bus beheader.
Oh, you know what? I meant to look this

up. So did you hear about this guy who beheaded and ate another guy and they set free? How the

fuck is he allowed free and why wasn't he executed? How do they know he won't relapse into another

murder slash dinner? Am I crazy by saying if you murder someone you should be murdered yourself um well yeah if if people didn't lie you know if there weren't people wrongly convicted i mean i i just if i feel like though if it's beyond a shadow of a fucking doubt.

You know, if you do something to animals, kids, or if you eat somebody's head on a bus, I would have to say, you know, yeah, you want to fucking you want to handle it. Oh, you know, I forgot to fucking before I get into this shit.
I forgot to hype my YouTube page. I'm finally going to start posting videos.
I'm going to start doing tours of cities again. and you can watch all of this on my youtube page www.youtube.com slash user slash monday morning podcast youtube.com slash user slash monday morning podcast um all right let me let me try to find the link of this fucking guy jesus christ he's fucking eating How would you even go about eating a head? Oh, this is a different one.
Wait a second. Is there no link to this one? What just happened here? Oh, I do have a link.
I'm sorry, guys. This is usually where I'll try to hit fucking pause so you don't have to go through the torture of this.
All right, there it is. There it is.
Okay, here we go. Canadian man who beheaded bus passenger granted total freedom.
Winnipeg, Manitoba, a.k.a. Winterpeg, home of the Jets.
A Canadian man who was found not criminally responsible for beheading and cannibalizing a fellow passenger on a Greyhound bus has been granted his freedom. He cut somebody's head off, fucking ate it, and wasn't criminally responsible? Well, who was? Manitoba's Criminal Code Review Board announced Friday it is given Will Baker, formerly known as Vince Lee, well, thanks for fucking up his identity, and an absolute discharge,

meaning he is no longer subject to monitoring. Man who thought roommate was a zombie pleads guilty to murder.
OK, what the fuck is going on in Canada? That's a completely different story. He's a rabbit hole.
I'll read that one next. Baker, a diagnosed schizophrenic, killed Tim McLean, a young carnival worker.
Jesus Christ. See, this is why you never take buses.
Carnie workers, schizophrenics. It's just, you know, you're taking your life in your hands.
A young carnival worker who was a complete stranger to Baker in 2008. A year later, he was found not criminally responsible due to mental illness.

Okay.

McLean's mother, Carol whatever, has been outspoken against granting Baker's. His own mother is saying don't set this guy free, saying there would be no way to ensure he continued to take his meds.
She declined comment in a post on Facebook Friday saying, I have no words. Baker was initially kept in a secure wing of a psychiatric hospital, was given more freedom every year.
He's been living on his own in Winnipeg apartment since November, but was still subject to monitoring to ensure he took his medication. Baker's doctor.
Dude, this is fucking insane. You let a head eater go free.
I don't know, dude, do you think that they should kill people who are mentally insane? I mean, what are you going to do? You're going to stick them in a room and beat them Flintstone Vitamins for the rest of their life? All right. Man who thought roommate was a zombie pleads guilty to murder.
These are all just mentally ill people here people here man a 38 year old man who said he beat his roommate to death because he thought she was a zombie pleaded no contest to second-degree murder now i'm sitting there wondering maybe he just beat her to death now he's just trying to act like he's fucking insane um this guy entered the plea friday in this strangling and beating death. Now he's just trying to act like he's fucking insane.
This guy entered the plea Friday in the strangling and beating death of 35-year-old Jennifer Lopez. Not the same one, obviously.
The Kansas City Star reported Wallace told police he had fallen asleep after taking a methamphetamine. Court documents said he began beating Lopez when she woke up because he thought she was a zombie.
He told police he kept beating Lopez until something made him stop. Wow, this is not a funny podcast anymore now, is it? Should you be murdered if you murder somebody? I think without a fucking doubt, if they know you did it.
and and and and and and

and

and

and

and

and

and

and

and

and murder somebody i think without a fucking doubt if they know you did it um and uh yeah yeah i don't know i mean i saw you know i saw i don't want to say what this fucking person did to a kid but the kid died and like i was just like why is that person still walking on the earth there's definitely where I feel that. And I don't think that that makes us as bad as they are.

But prison is a big business.

So, you know, they want that fucking guy in a cell.

All right. Ministry of Truth.

Hey there, Billy.

Hey there, Billy of Rights.

I'm sorry, guys.

I'm so fucking jet lagged here.

This podcast is really just fucking lagging here. Dragging, I should say.
Lots of people are comparing Trump to Hitler. But back in December, Obama tried to quietly pass a bill that would allow the government.
Yeah, I saw this. Have jurisdiction over news and outgoing information on all channels, i.e.
TV, Internet, radio. That includes you.
You can read the fine print in the article below. Also, fuck all the people listening who haven't read the legislation that are already up in arms because it goes against who they cheer for.
Amen to that. Amen to that.
Everybody like like last night, all these fucking guys at this fucking award show, everybody trashing Donald Trump. Nobody brings up the fact that Obama basically signed something that is going to

implement an incredible level of fucking censorship. Like they're they're basically going to decide what is real news and what is fake news.
I mean, I'd like to think because I openly admit that I don't read. And the shit that I say is just fucking absurd that I would be, you know, exempt.

But who knows?

But like people with blue ties do this shit all the fucking time. And that's what kills me about people who wear red ties and watch Fox News and the Hollywood people.
Like they just cannot see the bullshit. It's like listening to a fanatic Red Sox and Yankee fan.
You know what I mean? You know, giving each other shit for buying titles and fucking abusing steroids. And it's like, no, we both did it.
We both did it. We should hang our heads in shame collectively.
All right. Let me see if I can find this.
This article. I don't really even want to fucking read this because this is just so fucking.
Let's see. Today I have signed into law S.2943, the National Defense Authorization Act for the fiscal year 2017.
This act authorizes fiscal year 2017 appropriations principally for the Department of Defense and the Department of Energy national security programs provides vital benefits for military personnel families. OK, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And where do we get to the. Yeah, I can't read all of this.
I can't read all of this. I don't want to fucking, this will take me fucking three hours to read.
This would have to be part of a mini series for me to read all of this.

okay uh here's some shit in bold the first priority is developing a whole of government strategy for countering the foreign propaganda and disinformation being waged

waged against us and our allies by our enemies. Now that reads great, but it's basically, you know, they want, yeah, listen to our propaganda, not their fucking propaganda.
You know, our version of what's going on is right and their version is wrong. We're all fallible.
We're all fucking human beings, but we don't make mistakes. They do.
So I don't't know it just gets back to all of that shit and you know what sir you're never going to solve any of it everybody's gonna start fucking screaming at each other and if you ever bring up something like that people call you a socialist and tell you to get the fuck out of the country if you if you would ever even remotely suggest that this government would ever fucking lie they all lie to their fucking fucking people. Oh, God, shut up.
Okay. Dear Billy Beer Thighs, forgive my poor English.
Well, the fact that you can come up with Billy Beer Thighs in a fucking second language is pretty amazing. So I think your English is fucking great.
I am a native Berliner, but I have family across Germany. One of my female cousins was harassed on the way to work by some people who are different.
I do not want to say just a different race or religion, but also a different way of thinking. They are not native to Germany and are not acclimating well to Western life.
I am not a racist and I find the issues very sensitive, but I believe that reality has to play a part in one's objective view. I'm not against refugees or anyone displaced because of terrible political and military situations, but I also have a new opinion because of my cousin.
She is okay, but had 19 stitches in the back of her neck and head from a bottle thrown at her because she was a woman walking alone at night. This is not the first time this has happened in her town that was good enough to show good graces to refugees.
If countries are going to let people in, they have to at least be okay with women having certain rights. Should they not forget about religion or release? That's just good and bad, I think.
Am I a bad person for becoming a more cautious person when it comes to refugees? Thank you and cheers on your new child. No, not at all.
I mean, a lot of that, and also people's prejudice because you're german they're gonna fucking think a certain way but like you know if one of the elements that comes into play is that from wherever these other people are from that a woman walking alone at night is suggesting that she's fucking i don't know i't know what, loose or having sex or whatever the fuck

it is that's going to make them throw a goddamn bottle. Like, how do you not address that? And also to me, it's like, what kind of a fucking person, you know, when I go to another country, like whatever I see, I just go, oh, I guess that's how they do it over here.
I don't think like, you know, well, I'm from someplace else and this is the way we do it. So I'm going to act like we're still in my country.
I think that's ignorant. But never underestimate the power of religion.
You know, when people really get into it, when they really fucking get into it. You there's there's something where your brain goes on like autopilot and you just let religion make decisions for you and rational thought kind of goes out the fucking window and you just start breaking one commandment after another um like you tell me one religion out there if you can find it in whatever book it is that you read

that say it's that says it's fucking okay to throw a fucking bottle at a woman walking alone at night i mean shouldn't you i mean if you think it's you should have walked her home if you were concerned about like i don't know i don't understand that.

But yeah, one of the

things I think

refugees should... Say that this country goes to complete shit and there's a big war and all of a sudden they're hunting down fucking bald redheads.
And I need to seek political asylum or some shit in another country. when I go there the first thing I'm going to do is try to learn the fucking language and then I'm

going to try to figure out, OK, how do they do shit over here? You know what I mean? So I don't fucking offend anybody. And so I don't get the shit kicked out of me.
But I would say the type of people that throw a bottle like that. you know, they're also the kind of people that if they were in higher up in a corporate thing, that they would be pilfering the coffers, as they say, or whatever.
Like, there's just certain people out there that just, they're not good people. There's certain people that are just not smart people.
That's one of the fucking problems with human beings is there's a lot of mouth breathing morons. And when you accept a bunch of refugees, you know, you're going to get some fucking super smart people all the way down to mouth breathing morons.
I don't think you're. Yeah.
Why wouldn't you be more cautious when it came to refugees? If something like that happened, I mean, now having said that within your own country, you also have neo-Nazis, you know what I mean? So, you know, uh, if you're suggesting getting rid of all refugees, then you should also do something about neo-Nazis. So, um, the hard fucking thing when people go to a new country is they don't look like the people that are there.
So they stick out like a fucking sore thumb and people stop looking at them as human beings. They just look at them as one giant group.
Whereas if you look at a fucking neo-Nazi, he's still a fucking white dude. I'm assuming you're white German, right? And you're like, yeah, that guy, he's a fucking moron.
You know what I mean? You're just looking at him like he joined a stupid club, despite the fact that those people can do some really horrific shit too. So, but I don't think, you know, you're a bad person for becoming more cautious.
But I would also remain open-minded that there's going to be some really great people that were lucky enough to get out of those bad situations. And that's the hard part.
The easy thing is to just say, fuck all of these people. And, uh, you know, that's, that's the basic, let's sit down and eat some Fritos and cake.
Um, or you can actually do the crunches in your cardio and actually try to look at people as individuals. Now, having said that, when the sun goes down at night, all bets are off.
You have to look at people, you know, the most cautiously, as cautiously as you possibly can. Because I guarantee you that even if they had a fucking rule about that during the day, if there was a bunch of people walking around, the chances of them doing that during the day would have been much less.
So I'm sorry that happened to one of your cousins. I hope it doesn't turn you into a hateful person.
You seem like you're trying to be measured. I don't know.
But it would suck if you became another hateful person because it's just going to add fuel to all of this blue tie, red tie shit. All right.
Dear Billy Butkus. On Valentine's Day, my ex whom? I love people who know how to use whom.
You know, who and whom? I've looked up the definition fucking 100 times. I believe I've read it on this podcast.
I still for the life of me cannot figure it out. On Valentine's Day, my ex whom I had been dating for three years came to my job at a bar with a new, much younger date.
Sat with her for hours and proceeded to get a cab home with her. My co-workers obviously told me and I was devastated.
Well, that's why he did it. We've been broken up for two and a half months and it was a really tough breakup.
I know I deserve better, but I feel like he's driving me out of a small town that I generally love. This isn't the first time he's made a public show with a woman, with women.
At this point, I just want to want to move and start over. What is your take? My take is that you.
You're a lucky woman. That you didn't hitch your wagon to someone that's that fucking petty.
Then, yeah, I don't like that. Like that's.
I just like the way way you described it i look at that guy as though he's pathetic and i feel like and i feel bad for the woman that he brought there because i feel like he was barely listening to her and pretending to be smiling having a good time as he was trying to look around to see if he could catch you i mean he basically went out of his way to hurt you i mean obviously when obviously when you're going to break up with somebody, there's going to be that awful pain because usually somebody wants it and the other person doesn't. So it's bad enough that that went down.
Now, if you dumped him, but I feel like if you dumped him, you wouldn't be that upset about it. And you did say it was really tough.
So what I would say is have yourself a celebratory glass of fucking wine, whatever your poison is, that you didn't marry this cunt. And I don't know.
I think at some point, I mean, if you really love, be ashamed if you really love living where you're at that you would move just because some shallow cunt is bringing some woman over. I mean, he obviously does not give a fuck about that one because I'll tell you this.
If that guy in two and a half months found the one and found true love, this petty shit with you would not even be an issue. so maybe a new way of looking at it is feeling bad for the woman that he's with because he's wasting her time.

And I can guarantee you she has no idea who you are.

And if she does, then they're two fucking psychos that deserve each other that should both be sterilized because they're going to make an evil baby. So there you go.
That's what you walked away from. But as far as like, you know, at this point you want to move and start over.
It all depends on what you got going on in your town. That's a pretty big move.
You know, let a few days go by. if you feel that again and just i don't know just really focus on the type of person that would do something like that to really just go out of your way to hurt somebody i've heard a bunch of people in my life but to like go out of your fucking way like that's like that's like the difference between first degree and second degree cuntiness there whereas you, you know, second degree, it just spontaneously happens.
You know, you guys got all this history and he just says something fucking horrible or starts chatting up some shit there at the bar. But to fucking sit there and like methodically plan it out like that, that guy's a fucking psycho.
And congratulations to you that he's not in your fucking life anymore. Yeah and don't fuck with this food that's a petty thing too that's bad karma fuck all that all right that's the podcast for this week uh thank you to everybody uh for listening and um thank you for the writers guild for letting me be a presenter actually he really had a good time once once i got once i got out there i had a good time but other than that i was like freaking out like what the fuck am i doing here and also please uh check out my youtube page like i said i'm really gonna start posting videos and all that shit up there uh maybe i'll take a couple uh i'll do a video or something at the patrice o'neill um comedy benefit um some backstage shit or something like that um and once again my youtube page is youtube.com slash user slash Monday Morning Podcast.
All right, go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday. it.
Come on, keep talking, cause it's true. Throw the sailors overboard.
Throw the sailors overboard. Throw the sailors overboard Throw the sailors overboard Throw the sailors overboard Overboard Come on, abuse me more than I can

Come on, keep talking