Questions, Answers, NFL | The Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-4-25

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

And I'm just checking in on you.

Woo, woo, woo, woo.

How's it going, man?

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Woo!

It's the first night of NFL football, baby.

da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

Loveless fucking marriage.

Hey.

Oh, all the sad men get to sit down tonight and just be like, you know what?

You know what?

As much as it's always my fault,

as much as I am the sum of all the bad things I do, that's how the pie chart works versus all of this good shit that I'm doing.

As much as I'm dealing with that metric system in her fucking head, I got NFL motherfucking football.

I do have that.

I do have that.

And all this shit they fucking put us through, you know, you'd think they would just let us have that.

But they don't.

They huff and puff, walk by the room.

Is it almost over?

Did you ever think you'd take that much shit in your life from something that couldn't kick the shit out of you physically?

you know, I love watching the UFC, and one of the most amazing things that I ever, that I have discovered from these amazing fucking, the best fighters in the fucking world, just as far as like, what do you want to do?

You want to stand up, you want to go to the ground, you want to submit, you want to throw kicks, what, whatever the fuck you want to do.

The UFC, right?

Anytime I've ever, you know, heard fighters talk, they talk about how a fight is like 90% mental.

And I'm thinking, like, how the fuck can it be 90% mental?

And then I got married and I said, oh,

I know what they're talking about.

I get it now, UFC champion.

I understand because I lose 90% of the debates in my house.

And I'll tell you right now, that's why you got to marry a dumb broad.

You know,

yes, the conversations are going to be painful, all right but at least you can get some wins

you know you can you can you can keep maybe maybe you can be 500 and keep your coaching job um anyway who i don't even know who's playing tonight i know it's the eagles

your philadelphia eagles the defending super bowl champions

um

i know they're playing tonight I have no idea who they're playing.

How about that division?

You got the defending Super Bowl champions in the Philadelphia Eagles.

You got the Washington Commanders after 30 fucking years.

I mean, like they, the last time they won a Super Bowl, nobody knew who Bill Clinton was or Hillary, unless you was in Arkansas.

I'll tell you right now, I like that, you know, I am Billy.

You know, he's a liberal.

I don't like him, but I'll tell you something about him.

I like the cut of his jib.

I like the way he carries himself.

You know what I'm saying?

Anyway,

they must have amazing arguments,

the two of them, Bill and Hillary.

They must be fucking amazing.

Because they're almost like reversed.

Like, he acts like a chick.

He deflects everything.

Well, you know,

I think

if you look at the whole picture.

Bill, what are you talking about?

We're not talking about the whole picture.

We're talking about this incident right here.

And he just walks away.

I love you, Hillary.

You know, you just sometimes.

A lot of times, the most amazing thing,

like, rather than look at that guy,

you know, for like he's the typical piece of garbage that becomes becomes president.

If you could just get past that and just look at the humor of that guy, the amount of things that he gets out of when he gets asked a direct question, he does this fucking thing where he just

laughs and then he walks away as he starts to answer it.

And then he just trails off on purpose in his sentence and acts as though him walking three feet away like he disappeared behind a mountain.

You'd be like, hey, Bill, you remember that time you used that intern's vagina as a humidor?

And he'd just be like, oh,

well, you know, a lot of times people smoke.

And you're like, how did he just,

do I need to get my hearing checked?

I can still touch him.

He literally walked two steps over to another reporter, but his voice, it was like it went by in a car.

Like, what just happened there?

Amazing.

You know what I mean?

You have to respect it.

It's like when whoever your sports rival is,

and as much as you don't like that team or whatever,

if you're a true fan, there are people on the team where you're just like, God damn it.

I love the way that guy plays the game.

You know, that Derek Jeter thing where Red Sox fans were just like, God damn it.

You know, he's great for the game.

The way he carries himself, you know, he never yells at the umpires.

All he does is he sticks his finger in the ear hole, acts as though he's starting to take off his helmet, never makes eye contact.

He's just kind of like, that was a strike?

That's where the strike is?

That's the strike zone.

Okay, okay.

So next time I come up here, that's going to be a strike.

All right.

But the umpire knows what he's saying.

The umpire knows what he's saying.

He told that umpire that he fucking missed it.

without even saying it.

I don't think I ever saw that guy get ejected.

I mean, I didn't watch every game of his career, but like I saw some, you know,

some questionable calls, and he

never

lost his temper.

And I sat there as an angry little leprechaun, fascinated by that.

Like, how do you do that?

I wouldn't have been that way.

Let's just pretend for a second.

I could hit a baseball anything over 60 miles an hour.

You ever go to the batting cages and just humble yourself?

Like, you know, when you're sitting in the stands, the ballpark does not look as big as it is.

And every once in a while,

you take a fucking tour of a major league ballpark and you stand on the field and just feel like, you know, it's like train spotting when the dude falls into the floor when he's on heroin.

Like, I feel like,

and I also,

I feel like the more wide open it is,

no, they all, they're all like intimidating.

That was like a thing I used to do when I was on the road.

I would take tours of these ballparks.

And if, if there was an upper deck, you just, you felt like swallowed up.

But if I would go to like, uh, like the Tigers

and you'd stand on the field, the, the expanse of it,

you're like, I, I, I literally think you could take, you could fucking

a 747 could get enough speed by the time it got to that wall and take off and clear this stadium.

Um,

anyway, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Uh,

what else?

I rode my motorcycle for the first time in fucking forever.

Um,

I just build these things up in my head.

I got on the thing after doing the play, and it said the tire pressure was down.

So then I had to order one of those tire pressure fucking pump things.

And then I'm looking through the manual and I'm thinking, like, I'm not going to be able to figure this out.

I'm going to fuck this up.

I'm just going to do something wrong.

I'm going to fuck it up.

And then I'm going to wipe out on the bike.

And then I won't be able to do my shows.

And then I'm going to lose all my money.

And I'm going to have to move back in with my parents.

I literally do that over like

having to inflate a tire, six pounds of pressure.

And that is really like, that's what the public school system does to people.

You have about a grade and a half.

When I was coming up in the public school system, you had a grade and a half to do well on tests, to have a good feeling about yourself.

And

if it didn't happen,

that was just it.

That was it.

You were done.

You were done.

You had it in your head, like, oh, okay, I see where I fit in.

Those are the smart kids.

You know, those are the kind of smart kids.

and these are the morons.

All right, I got it.

I'm a moron.

I got it.

I have the answer.

Call on me.

I got it.

Man, man.

Yes, Billy.

What's the answer?

I'm a fucking moron.

That's correct.

Thank you.

Star on your forehead.

Right?

And then you're an adult.

And, you know, it's just sit down, read the man.

It could not have been easier.

36 pounds of pressure in the front tire.

And guess what?

The information was on page 39.

So guess what Scatterbrain does?

He inflates it to 39.

This is the truest thing I'm ever going to fucking say about myself.

Even when I'm right, I become wrong.

It's unreal.

I took out the manual.

I figured out how to use the fucking thing.

I took

the air compressor, and then I took out the manual for the fucking motorcycle.

I looked up the tires in the table of contents.

I went to the fucking page.

I put it on and I set it to the page number rather than than the fucking PSI or whatever the fuck it is,

and I fucked it up.

I fucked it up.

I'm in an argument with somebody, I'm 100% right, I lose my temper, I say some shit way off fucking base, and then I become wrong.

That is,

that has been something, that is a reoccurring thing.

And, you know,

people always say like uplifting things while you work on it and you're going to turn it around and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I just realized the other day, like, you know what?

I'm 57.

This ship is going in this direction and I don't have time to slow it down to turn the fucking thing around and get back to land.

So let's sail off the edge of the fucking earth.

Let's see what happens.

But we got NFL football tonight.

You know, it'd be fantastic.

Like,

you know, like they do like throwback uniforms.

Why don't they just,

you know,

do the whole thing?

Like, what if they just, they just go, like, once a year, they just roll the dice,

okay?

And they pick a year, and then you have to come out, not only, you got to come out with those uniforms and those rules, and that's what it is.

So what if they just rolled 1992, and then they come out, and they got the giant fucking shoulder pads leading with your head, no concussion protocol,

no female referees, no female announcers, just a bunch of fucking lunatic guys

slamming their heads into you, and just for one game.

Just for one game.

No ladies in the locker room, like you just go back.

You go back to that or maybe they get like 1938 and they come out with like leather helmets, you know, and the field goal kicker has to kick straight, you know, can't come in soccer style.

You come in with your fucking hands at nine and three o'clock out to the side, right?

In those fucking black high tops,

Tom Dempsey style.

Anyway, I will tell you this.

I just wanted to get used to the bike again, you know?

So

after over-inflating it and then figuring out the safe way to then let out the air pressure, I didn't fucking let it out.

I read about it and then I didn't do it.

I said, fuck it, I'm riding it anyways.

What's an extra three pounds of fucking pressure?

So I get on the thing.

I let it run for like five minutes

to heat up the oil in the pan.

Something nobody, people just don't do that anymore.

A lot of people used to, they didn't do it as much, but back in the day when you had a carbureted

engine, it wasn't fuel injected, so you couldn't just start the fucker up and just take off down the street.

You know, depending on what time of year it was, you really had to let the car warm up.

And that was good.

It's good for the engine.

And I kind of learned that.

I watched, you know, because I was guilty of that too.

I would just press the button when I still had my jag, and I would just press it, put it in reverse, fucking drive down to the improv or whatever.

And then I saw this mechanic, you know, and they were talking about like, oh, it was so funny.

They were talking about,

what are the, what's the,

what is the car that it like just needs like the most repairs?

And Jaguar kept coming up,

Jeep and shit like that, Dodge.

And there's no excuse for it.

The technology is out there.

The answers are out there, if you care.

You know, Toyota's just been setting the, this is not an advertisement.

It's fucking annoying to me.

It's fucking annoying to me that, you know, like Dodge doesn't even make cars anymore.

It's like, well, maybe if you made some that fucking lasted,

you cunt, you know?

And there was two things that I learned.

One

was they always say change your oil every 3,000 miles.

And what I'm getting now is like you should do it every 1,500.

Whoever you buy the car off of tells you to do it every 3,000 miles because they know that that's going to wear out your engine, so you'll have to buy another one.

Even Toyota tells you that.

But they make cars so fucking good, even if you do it every 3,000 fucking miles, they still will go forever.

But I saw this little old lady

and she had bought some car in like the early 60s and she drove it every single day.

had some ridiculous amount of miles on it and and she also said she goes i change she goes i baby it she goes i change the oil every 1500 miles

amazing right?

So, and the other thing is, I saw this mechanic was talking about how, you know, and he had like

a car from this era.

They say, how long do you let it warm up?

And he always says, you know, I always give it like five to six minutes, you know, get the oil, you know, so it's not all like,

you know, it's colder, so it's not going to have the viscosity.

You want it like all heated up so it glides through.

the engine, right?

The pistons glide on it instead of it being all fucking goopy.

I just, it just never dawned on me.

I didn't even understand why back in the day when I was a kid and I had my first car, why I was letting it warm up so it wouldn't stall.

I never like,

you know, there was no internet.

So unless you had a dad that was mechanically inclined or a friend or something, or took power mechanics class that we had in high school, like, I didn't even know why I was doing it.

I was just doing it so I wouldn't stall at a red light and have people behind me beeping at me.

So that's something that I do.

And it also puts me in like a nice mindset

when I go to drive.

But I will tell you this.

I bought a daily driver in early 2000s, six-speed V8.

So

you know, AMG type of a fucking car.

And

I will tell you this.

That is the most fun fucking car

I have driven in a long time.

I actually, I did the Rich Eisen show yesterday

and I drove over there and I took the fucking, I was having so much fun, I missed my exit on the highway

and I just laughed and I didn't care and then I took the next exit and I wasn't even sure where I was at that point.

You know, LA is a fucking huge place and I was just like, you know, I don't give a fuck.

I'm just going to drive in the general direction of where I live

because this car is so much goddamn fun to drive

so anyway I got that going for me

Red Sox got fucking smoked last night I missed the game but I will tell you this I love that fucking team what a crazy game they had the other night

and I was like you know I was like playing with my kids and every time I came back it was like we were up five to one then we were down like seven to five, then it was seven to seven,

and then all of a sudden we were up like 11

to 9 or something like that.

It was fucking insane.

You know, that's a fun game to watch if you don't understand baseball.

There's a ton of offense and all of that, but if you actually understand baseball and you're trying to win the wild card, like that's not a good statement for either pitching staff.

You know, I hate when fucking sports fans are like that.

Like,

when the Patriots played the Eagles in the Super Bowl or that Kansas City Chief Buffalo Bill playoff game where it's just like 53 to 52 and you know, like that Eagles Patriots Super Bowl,

I loved it for the fans because the Eagles had never won it

and seeing like Eagles fans like lose.

You know,

I know that they show a lot of bad videos about Eagles fans, but like, I, you know, I meet a lot of Eagles fans and they're not fucking, you know, spitting on people.

And a lot of them aren't like that.

You know, a lot of them are, but, you know, this half of them aren't.

So I was happy for them, whatever.

But that fucking game,

like, nobody punted in that game until like the fucking fourth quarter.

It was just like, I was joking with my buddy when I was watching the game going, you know, I have no idea who's going to win this game, but nobody on defense on either one of these teams should get a fucking ring.

Like, what am I watching?

And it was the same thing with that, that crazy fucking game the Chiefs and the Bills played.

It was insane.

It was like a video game.

And even the announcers, and there was like former players.

What are the greatest,

one of the greatest games I've ever, it was like, it was like an all like the old NBA All-Star games where nobody's playing defense and they're just fucking, you know, dunking and hurling.

It was stupid.

168, 166.

Three minutes to go in the third quarter.

Like, what the fuck am I watching?

yeah it was kind of like the baseball version of that but every once in a while you have you do have a game like that but um

I don't know I I

I fucking love the Red Sox I really do and I love the direction I just feel like the whole fucking team is this side of 25

and they're gonna be like

just fun to watch You know, it's been

since 2018.

You know, we made a lot of moves.

They didn't fucking work out.

It happens, you know.

Believe me, as a Red Sox fan, what am I going to whine about seven years after the bullshit before 86 to 7?

I'll take whatever.

But

I just never in a million years that I think sending Devers away was a good move.

I thought this is more the same.

This is another Mookie Betts, Xander Bogart's type of situation.

Why won't we pay our guys?

What the fuck are we doing?

And

turns out,

you know, I was 100% wrong.

What a surprise.

What a surprise.

The 57-year-old bald comedian doesn't know how to run a professional baseball team.

I got to be honest with you, that actually surprised me.

You know, it was a really sort of come to Jesus moment.

Do they do that in other fucking religions?

You know, people who are Muslim, do they say it's a come to Muhammad moment?

You know?

Who's the Jewish Muhammad?

Abraham.

Whoa!

Fucking pulled that one out.

I'm smart too.

Not like everybody says.

Anyway, I did stand-up the other night

at this place, the lodge, where I saw Jack White

do a show.

It's such a great venue.

The crowd

was amazing.

I worked with Dean Del Rey

and

Ambrea Allen, who's someone that I just sort of discovered on Instagram.

And it was just one of those fucking nights.

Everybody killed.

Everybody had

a great set.

The crowd was awesome.

And

it was one of those nights, like when you're doing stand-ups, some nights you feel like you're doing an hour and you feel like you have 20 minutes of material.

And then other nights you feel like, wow, man, I literally could have done another half hour.

That was kind of like last night.

So I'm getting geared up for these shows,

you know, over in the Middle East.

You know, I'm representing the United States stand-up here, so I gotta, you know, I gotta bring the fucking heat over there.

I'm doing Saudi Arabia and Bahrain.

If you ever fucking told me that I was gonna go to some of these places and do stand-up,

you know,

Greece, I think I went to Estonia one time.

It's incredible.

I don't know.

It's just, it's fucking wild.

So

I got to make sure that I go over there and I'm bringing the lumba.

I feel like these, like these shows are like when the NFL goes to Europe because they're trying to expand.

people's love of professional football.

It kind of feels good.

Like back in the day, I used to read about like the NBA, and they would, when the NBA started, they had no teams in the South.

And they used to do these, they would do these friendlies.

You know, they would barnstorm

through the South to try to sell the NBA product.

And I feel like that's what

stand-up, I mean, obviously these streaming services, because they're worldwide, I probably do way more.

But

I don't know.

I like doing gigs like where you're just sitting there going, like, how in the fuck am I going to make these people laugh?

I had one of those last night.

I went up and I did a gig in Silverlake,

you know, and they're just like, I don't know.

They're just like judgy wudgies.

And,

you know, it's one thing, you know, if I go up.

You know, I remember, you know, when I went to Helsinki, I had like, you know, for the first 15 minutes, I was having a really tough set, but it made sense.

I'm in Finland.

It's going to take a second to figure this shit out.

But, you know, when I'm still in Los Angeles and I'm performing mostly to fellow Caucasians and they're staring at me

like they're in Helsinki, like that's that's like it's a

bigger mind fuck than being in another country.

I'm like, you know, you're in another country, you're expecting like, you know, this probably isn't going to go as well as it does in Rhode Island.

But

if you're in

the fucking city you live in, you're just like, what the what is going on here?

But I will say, I had so much fun while having, I had a really tough set last night, but I had such a great time

trying to figure out what it was going to be to crack them open.

And I finally compared him to a Canadian crowd, like pretending to care too much.

And that was what finally kind of broke him open.

And then I think part of it was also me because there was a lot of people coming up after saying, oh man, that was, you know, that was great.

I really liked it and everything.

And I was just like, oh, you know, I had a long day of Zoom calls and bullshit.

Maybe I was a little grumpy.

Maybe that was a little on me, right?

How's that for fucking maturity?

Supposed to me back in the day being, the

um and that's exactly what i would say too that's exactly how i would say it um all right let me do uh but anyway i want to thank uh the lodge once again and there is no fucking way i'm not coming back to do another show there um

it just was it was

just that venue and if you ever get a chance to see

a band there

um

take a chance on a band there a band that you like I'm going to tell you, they're going to have one of their best shows because when you get in a venue like that, that just

has the fucking vibe is the only way to describe it.

It's like the kind of

venue,

you know, the place that I'm doing out in Riverside.

I went down there and Lamb of God was there.

And I went down there, and like the second I went into the venue,

I already knew what the show was going to be.

I'm like, this is just going to be

absolute carnage.

Like this place,

you know, it's an older venue, and it's, I don't know what it is.

It's just like all of those gigs, I just feel like they did something.

The place is seasoned, and you just get out there, you're just like, oh, this is going to be fucking great.

You know, some nights you just know.

So I'm looking forward to that one.

I'm doing a bunch of shows out here.

I'm doing Ojai again, San Luis Lubispu

Thousand Oaks and

I'm getting ready for those two overseas gigs that I have

you know

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Whips.

All right.

That is the podcast.

I love you guys.

Thanks for fucking listening.

Have a great weekend.

Enjoy the football.

Take your wife out for ice cream afterward.

Tell her she's a goddess.

Let her know it's still about her, even though you spend three hours screaming at something that really has no effect on your life.

But you love it.

All right.

Have a great weekend, you cons.

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Byrne.

It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, September 4th, 2017.

How's it going?

How are you?

Happy fucking labor day.

Happy Labor Day.

Happy Labor Day.

You don't have to go to fucking work unless you're the guy that owns the fucking business.

Then you never get to sleep, do you?

You should have stuck with your first wife, but you threw her out and now you got a...

Fucking 20-something fucking card

and she wants to spend all your money.

All right, sorry.

Anyways, how you know something?

You worked hard all year.

God damn it, it's nice that you got a fucking

Monday off, isn't it?

Don't you wish it was the way it is in Europe?

I don't know how they do it over there.

You know, they all got fucking health insurance.

They get like 53 weeks off a year.

They're not like the whole fucking continent shuts down in August.

Everybody just says, fuck it, we're not working.

And somehow

it keeps going.

Is it because their countries are so small?

Dog, look at the little country.

Is that what it is?

And over here, it's so fucking big.

You know, just to mow your yard takes half the goddamn summer over here.

All of us fat fucks waddling around

our giant pieces of property, riding the four-wheelers, shooting our guns.

You fucking live over there in Europe, man.

You got nothing.

You got a flat.

You know?

You and five other guys fucking addicted to heroin while some baby drowns in a toilet, whatever that fucking movie was.

You know, you got nothing.

Or maybe you got a house and it's got like the fucking, it's got that roof that looks like a bale of hay that someone braided in.

Looks like a weave, but with like hay.

I don't know what it is over there, but all I know.

is they still have castles.

Some of them still have kings and queens, and

they get like August off.

It's just off.

You know, when they get free health care.

They pay a bunch of fucking taxes, but I got to be honest, you pay a bunch of taxes here, too.

I think it's just because we're bigger, got the wide open fucking roads.

I'm going to go with that.

I'm going to go with that, and I'm never going to read up about it.

And that's what I'm going to say if that topic's ever brought up.

Like, hey, how come they get all this vacation time?

And if a woman has a kid over there, she doesn't have to be back to work on Monday.

How come that is?

Ah, because they're little tiny countries.

You know, they have little tiny hospitals.

You know, little tiny teeth that they don't brush.

You know, it's Europe.

What are you going to do?

That's why their cars go better into corners.

They have little tiny streets and they're going to zigzag around some shit.

You know, that's basically what it is.

It's not like America.

Some woman gives birth on Friday and they say, hey, Gene, make sure you're fucking here on Monday.

Pump that kid out.

Do whatever it is you got to do.

You have your garden to stick a weed whacker up or a fucking reverse blower up there and suck the kid out and be back to work.

We'll give you Monday off, then you got to be here on Tuesday.

That's how it works here in America.

Everybody wonders why we're so fat.

It has nothing to do with our poisoned food.

We're just stressed.

You know?

If you guys didn't have a whole month of August off over there in Europe, I'd love to see if you guys actually had to fucking work over there.

and worry about, you know, I need a new pancreas.

How am I going to afford that?

Right?

Which is is easily the cost of at least three flat-screen TVs.

That's the going rate for a pancreas, if I remember correctly.

All right, if you were dealing with that stress, I'd like to see how many fucking donuts you'd be eating.

You know?

Speaking of which,

Billy no fun.

Billy no fun is on his 18th day of not boozing.

18 days.

Not boozing.

I barely even remember what it tastes like at this point, you know?

I'm dropping weight.

This is the time of night when it it sucks.

You know, in the morning, it's great.

I wake up, my stomach's flatter than it was the day before.

I feel good, but it's like at night.

I mean, it's Sunday night.

I don't have to go to work on Monday.

I have tomorrow off like all of you guys.

Well, you're listening to it today, you know?

You can't tell me, you know,

I mean, as a fucking human being, I have to go out and get fucking hammered, right?

I mean, what kind of, I mean, if I don't, I mean, if I was running the CIA, I'd be like, is this guy in ISIS?

Is he some sort of religious fanatic?

Oh, Billy Red Cakes.

Oh, Billy Red Velvet.

I'm staying away from the sugar.

I'm being an angel.

I'm being an angel because I might have some acting work in

October.

So I got to make sure I'm down to my fighting weight.

My fighting weight, $1.72.

That's what I need to to be at whenever I shoot something.

You know, all these fucking actresses out here talk about how it's so hard for them as if a guy can go on and be a bloated fat fuck and not get shit for it.

Okay.

That's not how it works.

They can get to you through social media.

They go right at you and they tell you that you're a bloated fat fuck.

What happened to you?

You got old.

Where'd your hair go?

All of that shit.

You know what I mean?

But you know, you know what it is about people?

They look out their own fucking heads.

All right?

They look at the world in a two-dimensional way.

They look out their heads, they observe something, and then they put it in their head, and they process it with their previous experience.

And then to them, that is the truth.

That is what's going on in the world.

They look at it from their fucking angle.

They don't realize it that it's 360 degrees, which is why South Park is the greatest fucking show of all time as far as I'm concerned.

Because no matter what problem they attack, they hit it from all sides.

The red side, the blue side, from the north to south, east, the west.

You know what I'm saying?

You like that?

That was the longest fucking compliment ever.

Oh,

Josh Adam Myers from the goddamn comedy gym.

Josh Adam Myers, Bill Burr.

I'm taping my Monday morning podcast.

You're one of our first callers.

How are you?

Good, good.

I'm just curious if I could get your opinion on the Kyrie Irving Isaiah Thomas trade.

I wasn't aware that that happened.

Was that a big news story in the world of sports?

It's a little bit, yeah.

A few people know about it.

You know, as a fucking lover of the Celtics, as a Celtics lover, I hated the fucking trade because I loved Isaiah.

He was like a mini big poppy.

He was on his way.

He was going to have a street named after him.

But

it's a business now.

And this all goes back, I think, to the Miami Heat, all those pylon teams, back to the Kobe Shack Lakers, whenever it stopped being

Bird Celtics, Magic Lakers, Isaiah fucking the Pistons, Jordan with the Bulls, and everybody just jumped around.

Now it's over.

I thought you were going to ask about the cigar.

I am.

That's what I was saying.

I was like, do you want me to give you some time so you can finish this up and then come on?

No, I don't give a shit.

Just ring the doorbell and I'll stop it and I'll finish it later.

All right, cool.

I'll see you in a little bit.

All right, don't ring the doorbell.

My daughter's sleeping.

Just text me.

All right, done.

All right, see you.

Anyways, the most roundabout compliment ever

for South Park.

I had no idea I was going to say that.

So I am, as of this morning, I have 179 pounds in six ounces, 179.6.

So I'm trying to lose three a week.

So next week on Friday, I need to be

177.

All right, I just had to hit pause.

I'm in the fucking doghouse.

I just woke up my daughter.

Oh, my God, my wife is fucking pissed at me.

Yeah, boy.

Yeah, boy, brother.

All right, this is the Monday morning podcast, and I'm going to be fucking whispering for the rest of this goddamn thing.

The hell was I talking about?

Yeah, so next week I want to be 177 pounds by Friday and then 174 the next week and then I'll be 171 and then if I get this acting gig, I'll be where I need to be.

So I was going to take a month off from boozing, but if I get this acting gig, then I'm just not going to booze like right on through to the end of the fucking shoot.

And then when that's over,

Okay,

I'm going to get like one of those keger raiders and I'm gonna fill it up with fucking whiskey.

And I'm gonna be underneath it and it's gonna be glorious.

I don't know.

I don't know what my fucking problem is.

I should go to a meeting and just see what that's like.

I went to a meeting a long time ago and I got arrested for drinking and driving.

And one of the requirements was you had to go to

an AA meeting, two of them or something like that.

All I remember, I was just like, these guys are fucking drunks.

I mean, I drink, I don't fucking drink.

These guys had like lunacy stories

talking about like fucking bleeding out their ass and going right to the liquor store the next day, you know what I mean?

Like not eating food for them, like just crazy,

crazy, crazy fucking stories.

So I just was sitting there going, all right, I'm

I'm just a drunk.

These people got a fucking problem.

I'm telling you right now, if you ever just want to see, you know, some of the most fucked up people on the planet, just go to an AA meeting.

These fucking people, man.

You know?

Their fingers are like stuck together from like cigarette smoke.

You know what I mean?

They got like...

They just, you know, I can't, I'm just being an asshole.

I have no idea what a fucking AA meeting's like.

I know there's like, you get like a little trinket if you do it for a while, you know?

Got six days, you know?

Just

fucking,

you know,

you know, addictive people, they're fucking, they can never stop talking about themselves, right?

So they just got to go up there.

Oh my god, I'm going to get so much shit for this.

I don't give a fuck.

I think it's about time somebody fucking put AA in its place, right?

Why don't you grow up and white knuckle it like the rest of us?

You got to go join a fucking group.

Everybody sits down and fucking makes an Afghan together.

You know, it's funny, I actually would love to be part of a group.

When I went golfing this past week, you know,

and I went with a buddy of mine and he was like a member of a country club.

I'm like, this is fucking cool.

It's really cool, you know?

Bunch of guys fucking talk shit, having a great time.

All that shit that everybody fucking

gives you a rough time for.

You know, they always make fun of guys hanging out now if they all hang out together.

Like, it has to be like mocked for some fucking reason.

It's fun.

You just sit around breaking each other's balls.

That's all it was.

I went there and it was, everybody was fucking cool

and everybody was just busting chops the whole fucking time.

And then you go out and golf and everybody's just giving each other shit and you're laughing and you're smoking cigars and you're gambling and shit.

It's fun.

For whatever fucking reason, I don't know.

If you do that now,

I don't know.

For some reason, that's attacked.

You know,

I don't know what it is.

I don't know what the fuck it is you're supposed to be doing, but I can tell you I did enjoy it.

And speaking of enjoying shit, I know I'm all over the map.

I got caught up with the last, you know, today's Formula One race and the previous one, like a week ago or two weeks ago, I missed it.

And I have to tell you, I loved the Force India team

before

I watched the previous race.

And now I will fucking love that team forever.

I will love that fucking team forever.

At the very least,

Esteban, Ocan, and Sergio Perez,

everybody else was fucking, was racing.

to not lose.

You know, didn't want to fuck up.

These fucker guys went in there.

You know what I mean?

You ever watch a hockey fight and the guys are so good at it, they barely even punch each other?

The best ones is where you just, you grab my shoulder, I grab your shoulder, we just fucking beat the shit out of each other, you know?

That's what these guys did.

They went old-time hockey with like racing.

They're on the same team.

They slammed into each other twice.

They don't even give a fuck that it's a teammate.

This was like some sort of blood sport that they were doing.

Everybody else is out there like, oh my God, that's my teammate.

I need to.

I'm really literally making fun of the other teams for actually doing this smart thing.

I love that they did it.

I love last year when Hamilton and fucking

Nicki Minaj, whatever his fucking name was.

I can't even remember this fucking name.

What the hell is this guy's name?

Nikki, I won it.

Now I'm taking my toys and going home.

I'm getting married now.

Rosberg, right?

Nico Rosberg.

That's what it was.

When they slammed into each other, they did that a couple of times.

I like that.

And I love how these fucking drivers, there's all of this shit where they don't like each other.

You know?

Like, Sebastian Vettel doesn't like Lewis Hamilton.

Kimmy Rakernen doesn't like Valteri Botas.

It literally is fucking days of thunder.

It's tremendous.

And this past week's race was great yesterday as far as watching Lance Straw getting 18 years old.

He's lined up in in the front row next to Lewis Hamilton, who's just the fucking greatest driver.

He just is.

He is.

I know Mercedes has the best fucking cars right now, but you know, give me a fucking break.

It's not like Ferrari is any sort of a slouch,

right?

I don't know.

You could argue that Daniel Ricardo's just as good.

He's just not riding, driving a car as good.

Maybe that's what the fuck it is.

I don't know what it is, but I really enjoyed yesterday's race and the previous one.

How do you not love Force India?

Out there with the pink cars, the fuchsia cars slamming into each other?

It looked like me and my brother at a fucking carnival.

You'd be like, those two guys are related?

Like, you would know.

If we got into bumper cars, we would, I didn't give a fuck about anybody else out there other than slamming into my own fucking

family member.

What was the point of hitting somebody else?

I couldn't laugh at them in the car ride home.

I'd never see him again.

So, anyways, I guess they go to Singapore next one of these years I'm gonna line up a stand-up date with that race over there

I'm gonna try to go to a couple a year because I'm a fucking lunatic so I went to Montreal this year and I'm also going to the race in

Austin Texas

provided there's not another

you know

fucking hurricane like that one that hit Houston Jesus Christ

anyways

I actually you you know, I want to tweet out something, you guys.

There was actually something where you could send like fucking diapers and that type of stuff.

I just can't imagine anybody that has babies and everything you got to take care of.

That seemed like a really cool thing to do.

The very least, at least you can fucking do.

So anyways, I'm behind with my Moto GP racing.

I got to get caught up on that.

But I have to be honest, this race in Italy was one of my favorite races just because of what was going on in like position four, five, and six, fucking lunatic racing.

And I just wish they could somehow do something to the cars that that happened in the first and second position.

Because once again, Lewis Hamilton, you know, he gets to the first corner first.

He comes out in first place, and then that's it.

He's in the front of the race for the rest of the fucking race.

And then that's just it.

It's over.

He's driving in clean air.

His car is too fucking fast.

Now you got to hope that the car breaks down or he fucks up, which isn't going to happen.

But I did enjoy all that other stuff.

But congratulations to Lewis Hamilton for winning another one.

He now is ahead of Sebastian Vettel.

And I believe the Mercedes team as a team is ahead of everybody else, too.

So they're fucking crushing it.

And I think it's going to be all downhill from here.

So I'm hoping the fucking Ferrari team, because they're the closest ones, can step it up.

And I like both those guys.

I like

Kimmy Rakinen.

He always seems fucking pissed off, getting penalties and shit.

I relate to the angry guys.

That's why I like Force India.

They're going to fucking slam into each other.

It's tremendous.

It's tremendous.

You know, it's childish.

It's stupid.

I love when that guy, that former race car fucking champion, I don't know what his name is, the commentator, he just goes, oh dear, boys, boys, what are you doing?

Gets all like fucking parental with him.

I wanted to see, I watched the qualifying too.

I love when it rains out.

Dude, oh, I forgot the greatest quote I've heard since I started watching Formula Racing.

After the fucking Force India cars hit for the second time,

I think it was that Ocon guy.

He says over his radio, he goes to his fucking crew chief or whatever, he goes, what the fuck?

Seriously, what the fuck?

Like flip.

And meanwhile, he's going like 180 miles an hour.

He sounds like me when I drive to work.

And he's doing like, you know, 180, 200 miles an hour.

And he's they fucking flip each other off.

And they never flip each other.

It's, you know, the European and shit.

They give the A-boop with the fucking hand.

Somebody's got to flip somebody off.

You know what I mean?

Or if they're right on their ass, slam on the brakes like you do on the highway.

Stop fucking tailgating.

I wasn't tailgating, I was drafting.

All right, enough of this shit.

I know a lot of you guys don't even watch this shit, but um,

all right, let's plow ahead here.

I, uh,

I was, um, did a casino.

I already forget the name of it.

I was in a casino

right outside of San Diego.

And I did it two years ago, and I flew down in an R-44.

And today, or yesterday, I flew in a,

I don't even know what the fuck it was,

to be honest with you.

Let me see if I can look up the name of this helicopter.

This helicopter was turbine engine, which is a jet engine.

And it was fucking unbelievable.

The whole thing was hydraulic.

Fuck who gives a fuck what helicopter was.

So basically, I trained on the R22.

The R22 is like driving a car that has drum brakes, no power steering.

You know what I mean?

And you have to, like, fucking control the wipers yourself.

You know, like in the 1920s, like Laurel and Hardy, you got to, like, move it side to side.

Which is also why I love that thing, because you're really flying.

If you're holding a hover, you're fucking doing it.

Then you move up to the R44, and this is kind of weird, where it's like the

collective and the cyclic are both hydraulic.

Okay, that's your power and then how you steer, the shit you hold with your hands, basically.

And then you, but for whatever reason, your foot pedals

are not hydraulic.

They're just manual, your own pressure.

So you're dealing with like really finessing it, barely having to touch it up top, and then your drum breaks down the bottom.

It's just, it's a very odd feeling.

And I fly out of Burbank and there's always always a fucking tailwind.

When you're going in to set it down, it's so fucking annoying, like right behind you, full blast.

I don't know where it comes from

every time.

In fact, I saw this student that was learning over there.

What he would do was he, when he would go to set it down,

he would just face the wind and set it down and then go inside and get the wheels and then put them on the thing and then just turn the helicopter around.

And as much as it was funny, I was like, that's a great fucking idea.

I would rather do that.

You know, because you're landing next to other helicopters.

I don't want to fuck anybody else's shit up.

So, anyways, this thing was like a

six-seater.

And I got a picture.

You know, Dean Del Rey, go look him up on Twitter.

He tweeted out a picture.

I'll fucking, I'll retweet it.

And it's like the word, I'm standing in front of the coolest helicopter I ever flew and I'm talking when somebody whoever took the picture.

So I look like a fucking asshole.

I mean, I look like an asshole anyways.

Who's kidding?

But it was,

I would say, the most amazing machine I've ever

gotten the chance to operate.

And

it was like a sports car in the air with the tightest, most responsive fucking suspension you could possibly think of without the rough ride.

Because you're not on the ground, you're just going through the air.

Didn't feel any turbulence whatsoever.

And

I just know when you take off in the R22 and you push the stick forward,

right?

I mean, I don't know how long it is.

It's a good eight, nine seconds.

You want to get up to 53 knots.

That's the optimal, you know,

speed to get out, to get the most rate of climb.

And it takes you a good, it feels like forever, eight, nine seconds.

This fucking thing, it was like

maybe two and a half seconds and it was up to speed.

You just pulled the stick back and you fucking shot up in the air.

I've never been,

it was really intimidating.

But once I just sort of, I watched my instructor two times do the start and start up and shut down of it.

It's like, it's not that bad.

It's just intimidating at first, and then you, you get, once you know where to look, which is basically your manifold pressure, your altitude, and how fast you're going, then also your trim.

Once you know where those are, all the other shit, it's just like, well, you know, a fucking horn's going to go off if there's a problem anywhere else, right?

Anyways, it was fun as shit.

And went down and we did the gig.

And

I think I'm gonna start doing that.

Like

I'm doing a podcast festival for the All Things Comedy Network in the end of October.

And if I don't get this acting gig and I'm in LA, I'm gonna fly out in a helicopter.

I got a Vegas gig.

I'm gonna do that one in the helicopter too.

And that way I can get my, keep my hours up, stay current, and while going out making money.

So I'm renting the helicopter, but I'm earning money, right?

And in a way, I get to fly private without having to blow all this money on a fucking stupid ass jet, which is stupid, right?

Those fucking private jets is fucking stupid as hell.

You get in them, you can't even stand up.

It's the dumbest thing ever.

You're way better.

You can spend 1 90th the money on a first-class fucking ticket and

you're on like a fucking cruise ship.

You can stand up when you take a piss.

You don't have to bend over at the fucking neck.

You know, I know they make bigger jets, but those things are like, you know, you're going to fly from Boston to Rhode Island.

It's going to cost you like a fucking $300,000.

I don't know how people, I don't know how anybody flies private, to be honest with you.

I have no fucking idea.

Just go to a mom-and-pop airport, get on JetBlue or Virgin.

That's the way to do it.

Use some miles, bump yourself up to a bigger seat.

You're going to get a pilot who's psyched.

he's making a ton of fucking money.

You get on those little ones, those people are not making shit,

right?

I don't know.

That's been that's been my experience.

They're trying to get a gig flying one of the bigger ones so they can actually make money instead of flying some little fucking six-seater.

You know what it is?

I'm out of my fucking element.

I don't know anything about that shit.

I just have heard about how much it fucking costs.

All right, let me let me read the

let me read the fucking advertising here for this week.

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Speaking of which, the New England Patriots, the five-time Super Bowl defending champions,

the often criticized for absolutely no fucking reason.

You know?

All the time.

I had another guy bring up fucking deflate gate.

I always tell him, it's like they did not get convicted of deflating balls, you fucking moron.

That was laughed out of court for the 90 millionth time.

And then the suspension

was canceled.

Remember that?

He was supposed to be suspended, and they took it to court, and it was laughed out of court.

And the judge said, You're wasting, why did you waste my fucking time with this?

That's what happened.

And then, you know, in the United States of America, you cannot get tried twice for the same offense.

That's a habeas hearsay something or other, right?

You can't be fucking double jeopardy.

You can't fucking do that.

So the NFL found a loophole.

They just went back to court and said,

is the NFL a corporation?

And the judge was like, yes.

And then they said, does a corporation have the right to suspend its employee?

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We're a corporation.

Tom Brady is our employee and he is suspended.

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That's why he got suspended.

Not because they proved anything.

You fucking dopes.

And by the way, the guy who caught the alleged, by the way, underinflated fucking ball, by the way, the Colts also allegedly had two underinflated balls, but who gives a fuck?

They're not winning all the championships, right?

The guy who caught the ball tested positive for steroids this past season.

Ah, nobody gives a shit.

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Oh, buddy,

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Booze lineup.

Oh, beautiful i was hoping people were going to send these in

all right i um

i talked last week on you know i got back into baseball and uh that yankees red socks thing's heating up again we better meet in the playoffs this has to happen it's been too fucking long um i ended up fucking yankees took three out of four so i broke even all this shit talking

all of this fucking shit talking And it just, we ended up just being even.

But I was talking about, you know, know, just watching baseball, I did my booze lineup of like whiskeys, scotches, and bourbons.

All right.

I don't just do scotches, okay?

This isn't like the fucking, this isn't MLB when Babe Ruth played.

All right.

This is anybody can show up as long as you're brown.

No, Tequila's also welcome.

So this would be my lineup.

I always change the lineup.

I would say this week, Johnny Walker Blue is leading off.

You got to start with some strong shit, right?

Pappy Van Winkle is in second.

and then i would put uh angels envy at third

mccallum rare cas

rare cask is bat and cleanup all right then i'd have yippee kaye

fifth

and you know once you get to the middle order this is just when i just want to get up right those other ones angels envy is also a good one just to get up on You know, it's not that expensive either.

Then you get to the middle of the order where it's like, I'm staying at home or I'm getting drunk by myself or I'm getting drunk with a friend of mine that appreciates good whiskey, bourbon, or whatever.

When I get in the middle, then it's like Yippie Kaye,

Patron Silver.

Maybe I put Grand Patrone where I put Angel's Envy.

That's why I got that.

Okay, Grand Patron in fucking

the third spot.

Then I got Yippie Kaye, then I got fucking Angel's Envy,

and then Johnny Walker Black.

Okay?

Those are the next three.

So then you got eight and nine, and that's when, you know, you just have fucking

just people coming over and they just want to get shit faced.

Then you just got to go Maker's Mark or fucking

Jack Daniels.

You know?

And then if you just have a complete fucking shithead, you just give them red label fucking Johnny Walker.

All right.

So here's this person's booze lineup.

All right.

He goes, I love your idea about doing a booze alcohol battling lineup.

Here's my submission.

Leading off Kentucky Tavern.

I've never heard of this.

This is what I love.

It's going to give me new shit to try.

Dependable, a little rough around the edges, but you know, this guy's going to get on base at a 400 clip, even if he has to lean into one every now and then.

I love that this person broke it all down.

Then give me your scouting reports, too, when you send these in.

Batting second.

Hornitos.

What the fuck is that?

Hornitos.

Can be streaky at times, but still has a little bit of a pop if you mix it with grapefruit soda.

Dude, you're second guy, you're already mixing it with something?

All right.

Oh, shit.

Hang on a second.

Speaking of that.

Josh just asked me if I had the soda.

No, I don't.

I got to do a voice text here.

Get the Fanta

orange

with the Mexican sugar.

There you go.

All right.

That's right.

When I'm fucking not boozing, I actually drink Fanta orange soda.

It's kind of nice because it's really sweet.

And then you got the smoke.

You know, it's not redundant.

Remember big night when that lady got the pasta and then she also ordered mashed potatoes and the guy wouldn't do it because it was too starches?

You know, why would you have a cigar and then drink something really peaty?

It's like fucking redundant.

You want something a sweet kind of alcohol?

Fucking with you.

I'm not actually, I do.

Okay.

So batting third, this guy has Bullet.

This is your franchise player.

He makes everyone around him a little better.

Plus, he's going to give you a team-friendly long-term contract that won't have you paying luxury taxes.

Dude, this guy's great.

You know, he took a funny idea.

Now he's taking it to an even funnier level.

All I did was just get, I got to break down each player now.

All right, batting cleanup, Knob Creek.

He goes, can you tell him a bourbon drinker?

I can never keep him straight.

He goes, bottom line is, if there's any ducks left on the pond, this guy is there to deliver the knockout punch.

I got to tell you, the way he's describing this lineup, he's definitely making the playoffs.

If not, fucking winning the pennant.

Batting fifth, Smirnoff Vodka.

Okay, definitely nothing to write home about, but when surrounded with the right personnel, there's always potential for magic.

You know what my vodka is?

My go-to vodka?

I like Belvedere.

Oh, Belvedere.

Come here, boy.

I like that better than Grey Goose.

Grey Goose is just like, that's like soft rock, like easy listening.

You know what I mean?

I like Belvedere.

It's got a little more of a fucking bite to it, but I don't know much about vodkas either.

Batting sixth, Johnny Walker Black.

Now you might be, now might be a good time to mention I'm in my early 30s because this guy is a September call-up.

You're not quite ready to add him to your 40-man roster just yet,

but he's up for a cup of coffee because you know he's going to be an important part of your future.

Yeah, maybe you can get on base and steal second.

All right, batting seventh.

Oh, Jesus.

Dude, this is unforgivable if you're in your 30s.

This is unforgivable, and I respect you that you can still drink this.

Jaegermeister.

Wow.

Wow.

You often find yourself wondering why this guy is even still around, and yet you feel you can remember.

Wait, and yet

you feel like you can remember a time when he was actually pretty good.

Yeah, he's like the fucking

one of those guys where you just like, you know, like Vince Carter still playing.

That's not fair to Vince Carter because Vince Carter was one of the greatest fucking,

you know, I think the best dunker of all fucking time.

Certainly the highest jumper.

I apologize.

I shouldn't have said Vince Carter.

That was the first guy I thought of.

He's like a ya, ba, ba, ba, ba.

Do you remember when, you remember when like Giambi was playing on the Colorado Rockies?

It's like one of those deals.

All right, Captain Morgan batting eighth.

Definitely a role player.

That's like your catcher.

This guy could be a superstar, but he's got a bit of a sweet tooth and always shows up to spring training 20 pounds overweight.

Oh, he's the panda.

Still, you know, he's good for a sack fly in a key situation.

Yeah, one of these guys just has to, you're out there for defense, you know?

He's not hitting for average.

All right, batting ninth, wild turkey American honey.

And he writes, oh, Jesus.

You ask him to lay down a bunt, and you just know he's going to hit into an inning, ending, double play every damn time.

By the way,

if it's a close one, I'm putting in Buffalo Trace in place of Jaeger as a defensive substitution.

Dude, this guy's brilliant.

So that's my lineup.

Thanks for the idea.

I enjoyed putting this together, even if you don't read it.

No, dude, I love that you broke it all down.

All right, here's another guy's lineup.

All right, his whiskey lineup: Bullet, Eagle Rare, batting third, McCallan 12, batting fourth, Angels Envy, Cask Strength.

I never had that.

DH,

I might fuck up some of the names of these.

Balveni,

12-year single malt.

Glenn Levitt, French oak.

I can't deal with the florals.

I don't like the florals.

I like more the peaty thing.

Like Glenn Levitt's, I've never been able to

quite handle those, but I respect them.

They're definitely in the Hall of Fame of Booz.

Oh, fuck.

He's going to stop by a taco.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

What is he talking about?

No, fuck.

He's going to stop by a taco truck to get the fucking booze.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

The soda, I mean.

Hang on, let me hit pause and straighten this up.

All right, I'm back.

So, anyways,

Glenn Levitt, French Oak.

Sixth, number seven, Willie Pott, Steel Reserve.

Never heard of that one.

Number eight, Jefferson's Ocean Aged at Sea.

Jesus, sounds like low tide shit to me.

Number nine, Hudson Bay.

Starting pitcher is Blandon's.

Oh, I forgot to do a starting pitcher.

Middle reliever.

Giving you a reliable couple innings.

Makers 46.

Closer is Elijah Craig barrel proof.

Dude, I love everybody going with the starting pitchers.

Then you got to have your middle relief.

He actually had middle relief.

Oh my God, dude, this is endless.

And then, you know, so you're going to get some real big-time booze hounds that nine, you know, positions in the batting lineup are not going to be enough.

They're going to have to

do like a football team.

11 offensive players.

This isn't fair to people over in Europe.

Go ahead.

Give me your fucking lineups and use all the fucking soccer terminology.

Maybe I'll learn something.

All right, here's another last booze lineup here.

Dear Billy, no fun, no fuss, no must, no brainer.

In answer to your request for our batting lineups of booze, I'm not much of a drinker anymore, so I'll go the other way and do my recreational drug lineup.

I love it.

I love it.

You guys are taking this idea and running with it.

This is tremendous.

All right.

Number one, weed.

Number two, black hash, preferably from Nepal.

Number three, magic mushrooms.

Batting cleanup, LSD, preferably purple Owsley.

Never tried it, but according to Ken Casey, it was the best.

Number five, ecstasy, pure and uncut.

Number six, ketamine.

I don't want this.

Number seven, cocaine, pure and uncut.

Cocaine, pure and uncut, should be fucking...

That sounds like a speedster, man.

Get him on bass.

He fucking steals second.

And you have LSD, fucking bring him home with a single to write.

I don't know.

Running on a full count.

You're not going to catch that guy.

You might score from first.

All right.

Number eight,

Peyote.

Number nine, mescaline, pure and uncut.

Hey, Bill, on Thursday, you were talking about the sound of drums in the 70s.

I watched this recently and thought it would be informative to you.

Overhead mic with a compressor on it.

You guys have to watch this.

If you're into any type of music, I actually watch this thing and it's, do you know that sound of

Phil Collins drums, the famous drum Phil from In the Air Tonight?

That gaga, gagon, gagun, gagon, dun, dun.

And it was.

You got to watch this video, how they came up with that drum sound.

It was an accident, and then everybody used it, and it literally became the sound of the 80s.

And now it's back.

I guess Taylor Swift used it in some song called 1989 and all that.

But if you just, if you're into that nerdy audio stuff,

like I found this, how great my fucking drum teacher Dave Elich is.

I was tuning up my drums,

you know, I got some back east, and it's this old Slingerland kit.

And it's a

third, a 12, wait, no, a 9 by 1, 13, 14, 14 and an 18 it was 13 14 toms and then an 18 inch floor and a 24 inch kick and i ended up adding another i found a uh from the same era a 16 inch floor tom and then i added another bass drum so i got two 24s all right

this was my first attempt to get to try to get away from just aping and doing a bad job of everything john bonham did I was getting into Primus

and my brothers, they were playing like speed metal and shit, and they were trying to always trying to get me into metallica and slayer and all them and i just i just was too much of a fucking idiot to realize how great that music was and i could have seen all those bands on their first tours and i didn't do it um so anyways uh

i went home and i was tuning up the bass drum

and um

i just couldn't get a good fucking sound

And it was this weird, like, vibrating fucking sound or whatever.

And I text

my teacher, and I said yeah I'm getting this weird like a buzz or a rattle and he said is there a hole in the front head

I was like this guy's a fucking genius

fucking genius because what happened is there wasn't a hole in the front head but where they were something fell on it and punctured just the littlest of hole I said it was a tiny hole he goes that would be enough to fuck it up because I couldn't get that boom sound

and

So now I'm like obsessing about it.

I got to get bag each again.

I want to try tuning them up again.

And I've now become obsessed with different heads.

And I used to be so afraid to try and tune my drums.

I'd have somebody else do it, and then I just wouldn't touch them.

And I'd play them until they sucked again.

And then I'd hope I could find somebody else rather than just biting the bullet and being like, just take out your drum key and start fucking with it and ask people who know how to do it to teach you how to do it and keep fucking doing it, you asshole.

But you know, part of being an asshole is you don't do shit like that.

All right, the apocalypse.

Hey there,

Dilly.

Hey there, Billy Death Bell.

The internet keeps talking about the end of times as if things today are far worse than they've ever been.

I'm only 31 years old, but I seem to remember plenty of bad weather and shitty presidents.

There's this need to make everything sound worse than it is these days because everyone loves to be the bearer of bad news and they get a thrill off the excitement excitement that shit may be going south real quick.

I saw a quote by John Mayer on Twitter.

Someone asked him what annoys him and he says

spacious argument.

It's everywhere.

I can't stand it.

Is that it?

Did I say that right?

The fetization of

defense attorney logic gone mainstream.

Ugh.

Well, he's obviously a smarter person than me because I don't know what any of that means.

Spacious argument.

It's everywhere.

I can't stand it.

The fetization of defense attorney logic gone mainstream.

That right there is why he's a brilliant guitarist because I don't know what the fuck he just did, but I don't know that anybody's ever put words together like that.

I don't know what that means.

I totally agree.

Everyone thinks they're dropping the mic and they're just pandering and reaching for low-hanging fruit.

Now that I agree with.

Yes.

P.S.

Keep the 90s music coming.

That Fiona Apple song that Andrew used last week reminded me of the summer I started jerking off.

Save the pet store manager from

last week.

I don't even know what that means.

Yeah, Andrew picks the music.

I wish I was could claim that I was as cool as to know all the shit that he does.

He knows a bunch about music.

Yeah, there is a lot of that.

There's a lot of gloom and doom and all that type of shit.

But,

you know, it's not all.

It is, I, I, you know,

the Great Barrier Reef and all that type of shit is pretty terrifying.

All of that shit is pretty fucking terrifying.

And

I mean, I can't even focus on it.

If you actually get past all the dopes on social media talking about things and you actually listen to scientists talking about like whatever their predictions are,

I know that there's,

I don't know, this sounds like a, you know, I think it's going to be,

I don't know, it should be interesting.

We'll see.

I hope they're wrong.

You know, who the fuck knows?

I don't know.

All right.

The DNC, everybody.

Dear Mr.

Burr, I'm appalled and disgusted that you had the

audacity to speak poorly of Debbie Schultz-Wasserman, a lifelong servant of her country and the only party

that has moved this country forward.

I usually enjoy your brand of humor.

There's no way this person's serious.

I have see

parts of your comedy specials and overheard a handful of episodes of your podcast while in the proxy of my brother-in-law.

You, sir, have a responsibility to tell the truth and not just your uninformed opinions on politics.

The deceit that you distribute is going to aid in the dismantling of this country.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Give me a fucking break.

You just happened to be walking by and you heard that.

Well, you know, the whole part of this podcast is that I am uninformed.

and i sent a link that you could watch on youtube and listen to that lawyer discussing

the things that she did or didn't do so i don't know what your fucking problem is you know i talk about politics the way i talk about sports as someone who never did it at a professional level I met Schultz Wasserman a few years back and I asked her what we could do every day to change the nation for the better.

And she eloquently said, do not let them tell you how to feel.

Oh, God.

I'm not reading the rest of this.

This is fucking

sincerely a proud Democrat who will not be discouraged.

You know what you sound like?

You sound like someone, you know, when someone comes up to me and says the Patriots are cheaters, and then I say, who's your team?

And then I talk about the shit that they've done, and then they downplay that.

Yeah, you are.

I got to be honest with you, as uninformed as I am,

people like you, I can't even talk to because you're so lost in your blue ties that you can't see.

That it's just, you know what it's like.

Everybody out here in Hollywood loves to sit there and trash Fox News and talk about how they're all these bullies and all that.

And I'm going to tell you, I'm not going to name any fucking names, but the amount of performers, comedians, actresses, and all this type of shit, like their level of zero tolerance,

like they're, they're literally what they're fighting.

They're bullies.

They tell people how they're supposed to think, the way they're supposed to think, and they feel that they are 100% right.

They feel that their view of the world is the way that the world should be, and anyone who doesn't think that needs to be attacked, needs to be dragged on stage and humiliated, needs to have their ability to earn a living attacked.

It's no different than when you watched what Fox News did to the Dixie chicks.

It's the exact same fucking thing, the exact same level of righteousness, patting themselves on the back about how fucking smart they are and how informed they are.

You know?

Meanwhile, as they fly around in fucking private jets, give me a fucking break.

Give me a fucking break, okay?

You know,

the Patriots cheat, your team cheats, the Republicans are pieces of shit, the Democrats are pieces of shit.

All right?

There you go.

There you go.

So

anything other than that, you're looking at shit through fucking rose-colored glasses.

And

I think it's, I think that that is,

I don't know what to think.

I just, I can't have a conversation with that.

You know what I mean?

It's like if I listen to a Red Sox fan back when Derek Jeter was playing, and they just say that he sucks and he's fucking overrated and blah, blah, blah.

And I would just sit there and be like, he isn't.

He's fucking one of the greatest players of all time.

I'd love if he was on my team.

You know, I hate the Yankees, but I'm not going to hate on greatness.

Marianne Rivera is the greatest fucking closer of all time.

I still fucking hate the Yankees, but I don't hate him to a level that I can't see.

I can't see that.

You know what I mean?

I just don't fucking understand it.

I don't understand it.

Like, you want to talk about Spygate?

Yeah, the Patriots were guilty of cheating.

Deflategate was bullshit.

Spygate was true.

However, they were only guilty of doing it for one game.

And I only clarify that because everybody thinks, well, they should take away all their titles because that's what they were doing.

No, that was the first game.

It was illegal and they kept fucking doing it.

All right?

And they were 100% guilty.

And they deserved to be fucking fined because they were cheating then.

Yes, they were that one time.

All the other stuff was bullshit, though.

However, if they, because I remember when Deflate Gate came out, I was like, if they did this shit again, I'm done with this fucking team.

That's what I said.

And then I watched the whole fucking thing unfold.

I was like, oh, this was just bullshit.

So there you go.

Does that sound even-handed?

You guys probably think I'm too much of a Patriots fan, but I mean, I did it.

Spygate was cheating, and they were guilty.

They did it one game.

Ray Mangini fucking ratted them out.

And then that was it.

They were fucking guilty.

What are you going to do?

Does that make them worse than anybody else?

No.

Bill Walsh fucking cheated.

So there you go.

There's your Democrats and your Republicans.

Say the Patriots are Democrats.

I'm a Patriots fan, so I am a Democrat, okay?

But I can see their fucking,

i can see that spygate was cheating and they were guilty of it and i could also see that bill walsh

fucking did the same thing when he pretended his fucking headsets went out

it's not that fucking hard um i don't understand what your point is that oh my god this person was just a fucking amazing person i said what should we do you say don't let them capitals tell you how to feel that is such like that has got to be the most vague vague.

I'm on my way to my town car fucking horseshit response ever.

Hey, Bill,

what's your secret to being a successful stand-up comedian?

You know, just get out there and keep doing it, man.

All right, girlfriend won't take racist last name.

All right, dear Billsbury Doughboy.

Hey, fuck you, man.

I'm under 180.

Okay, go easy.

Go easy, you know?

All right, dear Billsbury Doughboy.

My girlfriend of three years

has made it very clear that

if I were to propose to her that she would not take my last name, the reason being is that she feels my last name is racist.

The name is Koons, spelt C-O-O-N-S.

I told her that I have never encountered a problem.

problem having this last name and she has nothing to worry about thoughts yeah here's here's my thoughts.

I think you're making this up.

And if you're not,

that woman is too dumb to marry and reproduce with.

All right?

If you call a black person a coon, that is racist.

If your last name is Coons, it isn't.

You know?

Look, I can see if your last name was the N-word, then yeah, I mean, maybe you want to, you know.

Yeah, I mean, if it's, I don't know, yeah, I I mean if that's your fucking last name and that's a believable last name, isn't it?

You know what I mean?

I don't know.

Anyways, my roommate is

you know

like I'm trying to think I'm trying to think of a fucking racial group I can do here without getting in trouble because I want to really do a fucking

I guess I have to go against my own

fucking racist

what would I do there's no good ones there's no good ones with white people because, like, it doesn't have an effect on us.

Ah, shit.

You know what I mean?

I don't know.

Maybe in the future, some other group takes over, and then we'll have that.

We'll have our,

you know, you can't call me cracker.

I love crackers.

I love putting cheese on them.

My roommate is a fucking weirdo.

Dear Cunty McCunfuck.

First of all, a big fan of the fucking podcast.

The last fucking Netflix special was phenomenal, so thanks.

Okay.

I think this is one of these people that thinks because I swear that now they have to swear.

You don't have to bring yourself down to my level, sir.

Anyways, I just fucking moved into college as a freshman.

My roommate is a hot motherfucker.

I mean, I'm gay, so right away I was into him.

But I kept to myself since I had no way of knowing he was gay too.

I thought you guys had gay dar.

You couldn't sense it.

So last week on Friday, after a fucking drunken night out, we returned to our room.

Oh, Jesus, here we go.

And the fucking guy offhandedly tells me he's gay once the conversation started getting more personal.

Then I told him, I'm also gay.

And this guy says fag.

I don't think this is real.

After which we proceeded to fuck, which was fucking amazing.

By the way,

I find the fag term endearing, so fuck all the political correctness, hysteria, by gays and non-gays alike.

Alright, I'm just going to read this.

Okay.

Anyways, this is when the shit started to hit the fan.

No pun intended.

Sorry, dude, you loved it over the fucking net.

Once I came, he expressed disappointment at the volume of my come.

Does anyone believe this is true?

The fucker literally said, that's it.

What are you sick or something?

I felt fucking inadequate since his load was considerably

bigger than mine.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

So then the next morning he says he wants to fuck again.

I go along with it.

Like he's so hot, I'm not going to refuse.

Halfway through, this motherfucker says you know for a tall guy you're sure of a small dick

and he writes like what the fuck yeah well dude you came back for more abuse here so I'm all for two right inadequate dick size check lack of Herculean cum shot check uh is insulting the people he fucks part of his style Like I can't figure out why he still wants to fuck me after two colossal fucking insults.

So what the fuck do I do next?

Well, stop fucking the guy.

Fuck knows.

But the next day, we're chugging beers in our room.

You know, other than the gay sex, this sounds amazing.

Sorry, I'm looking at this as a straight guy.

Where the fuck am I?

Okay, we're chugging beers in the room, and he suggests something beyond weird.

Oh, God, he basically tells me he wants me to pee in his mouth.

You know, even if this is fake, this is tremendously creative.

You got to give this up.

Okay, since it turns him, since it turns him on, I'm eight beers deep and I'm a lightweight, so I'm like, fuck it.

Dude, I swear to God, if this is true and you piss in this guy's mouth and he's like,

this motherfucker has a stream like a goddamn fire hose and nearly broke my jaw in the process.

What?

I don't believe that.

Jesus Christ.

So I'm completely weirded out by this colossal cunt.

Dude, you let him piss in your mouth.

His only saving grace is that he happens to be the hottest guy I ever met.

So Bill, what the fuck do I do?

Do I change room, kick this cunt to the curb and sleep and never sleep with him?

Or do I

stick in there

so that I can stick it in there?

Thanks and go fuck yourself, you muggy bitch.

I don't know.

It sounds like you feel bad afterwards.

If I was with a woman and she was doing this shit to me and she was really hot, yeah, I'd probably keep going back, but I would just get myself mentally prepared.

You know what she might do?

Just tell him he has a weird asshole.

You got to get in his head.

Tell him his ass is too hairy.

He needs to braid the hair on his ass or something.

I don't know what the fuck to tell.

I mean, you're outside.

You know, this is still basically human interaction.

So you're talking about feelings here.

So if you want to get childish, say something mean to him.

And

I don't know.

You know what's weird?

Is Josh just showed up?

Now I have to smoke a cigar after reading that shit.

Yeah, dude, don't fucking go back.

Don't go back for more, right?

Or if you're going to go back for more,

sorry, I'm texting here.

Hang on.

All right.

Yeah, you don't need to put up with that shit.

Everything's like a pun in this.

The weird thing is that you live live with the guy.

It's never good to fuck your roommate,

you know.

It's that's that's never going to be a good thing.

But I don't know how it works with gay guys because you're both guys, right?

So I would think you'd be able to just be like, Yeah, we're just fucking, right?

Then we'll watch a game and fucking drink some beers and I'll fucking piss in your mouth, evidently.

I guess that's how it goes down.

I don't know what the fuck happens here.

So I would just,

if he sincerely is making you feel bad, then

I would try to find a better guy.

But considering you live with them, you obviously

can just blow the guy off.

So at some point, he's going to be like, hey, man, you want to fuck?

You got to be like, nah, I don't.

Be like, why not?

I'd be like, because you're a dick.

You say mean shit to me, and I don't like it.

All right?

So why don't you go in there and go rub one out and piss in your own fucking mouth, you fucking douche.

Or you just move out.

All right.

That's the podcast, everybody.

God bless each and every one of you.

Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.

What's up, everybody?

And welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show, NFL Edition.

And I am so thrilled to be back here

with me, your host, Paul Versey, over here, and

Bill Burr over there.

And we're very excited to bring back, of course, we have Andrew Themlis, Themlis, the Greek freak, the Beverly Hills kid, and making his year two.

He made the 53-man roster.

A fan favorite.

A fan favorite, Paul.

Jake the Snake is back.

He's got more detailed injury reports this year.

So we are back in full swing.

Bill, how the hell are you?

We're back at week one.

We gave Jake the Snake the keys to the car.

Okay, this is his team to win or lose with.

I'm beyond sight, dude.

I am beyond sight for the game tonight.

Well, Bill, I have to say something to you, dude.

And I don't know.

I was only able to give you a significant thing.

It's not nice.

I don't want to hear it.

I'm in no good a mood.

It's very nice.

And I wasn't able to do this publicly on the show.

I had to call you after the fact.

But, dude.

Your Super Bowl prediction and what you said would happen, how it would happen happened.

Okay.

And listen, you know me.

I'm a guy that likes to give credit where credit's due.

Okay.

I like to give credit where credit's due.

You said the Philadelphia Eagles were going to kick the shit out of them.

You said how they were going to do it.

If you listen back to that episode, you nailed it.

If the refs let them play.

And what I want to do is thank all the NFL fans that were talking on social media, saying this shit is massaged.

It's fixed.

So they were like, it's getting too loud.

Call off the dogs.

It'll still be a game.

Blah, blah, blah.

It wasn't a game.

No.

The Kansas City Chiefs, you know, they shouldn't have been there.

Dude.

They should not have been there.

Any more than I should have, Paul.

It's a bit of an exaggeration.

It was a beatdown.

Paul, you're looking a little blurry.

You're looking a little blurry.

Am I?

Am I crazy?

There it is.

Okay, all right.

But we got a lot of good picks.

We got a lot of good games.

You got a new coach with the Pats.

The Giants have a new quarterback.

We got a lot of different stuff, but we have to do this.

Jake decided.

Where did Daniel Jones go?

Daniel Jones went where?

Daniel Jones is on the Indianapolis Colts.

They took on all that money.

The Indianapolis Colts.

And guess what?

He just got named the starter.

QB1.

Oh, dude, Jim Erste passed during the offseason.

So, you know, rest his soul.

Rest his soul.

We didn't always see eye to eye, but it'll be interesting to see if they carry on.

His tradition.

I mean, you know, they won a lot over there, Paul.

How they did it, we're not going to bring up.

Hey, nobody needs to answer questions.

Uh,

Jake the Snake, before we do our week one picks, what do we got?

What's interesting?

What are storylines?

And who is hurt?

Here he is, everybody.

Look at that.

Look at that.

Patrick Mahomes is not the only guy with a new haircut this year.

That's right.

I had to freshen up for you guys.

That's right.

Jake the Snake got a guaranteed contract on the show.

And look at him.

He's already spending his money.

He's already spending his money.

I love it.

Looking sharp.

looking shop got himself a new ride the whole deal oh i can see you know it'd be great jake yelling at the barber i got going on the air tomorrow i said i said faded higher does this look camera ready does this look camera ready

that's awesome you call that a fade i'm going at anything better week one tomorrow all right go ahead what do we got jake

Well, the big storyline is Micah Parsons got traded to the Packers, and they play the Lions.

So that's going to be a huge game on Sunday.

They're saying he has a back injury, so we'll see if he actually gets out there.

But either way, that's going to be a great game.

Then we got the Bills and Ravens on Sunday night football.

Huge rematch of last year's playoff game.

Two probably of the best quarterbacks in football going at it.

So that'll be fun.

And then

Chiefs Chargers are going to be out there in Brazil, which I'm nervous about because last year, if you remember, the Packers quarterback.

Wait, the NFL is going to Brazil now?

Yeah, it's tomorrow.

Terrible.

There you go.

There you go.

I mean, you know, if you're going to leave the country, oh,

we got to do a show down there.

I'll tell you, there's a lot of talent down there, okay?

You ain't kidding.

Let's go to Rio.

Yeah,

the players are ecstatic to go there.

Oh, my God.

Like, the amount of trouble.

Oh, yeah.

Can you imagine?

Like you play in Brazil and you're like, what is my life?

I'm playing my, I'm living my dream playing in Brazil.

And then the next week you play in like Jacksonville or like Minnesota.

Oh, dude.

You just see NFL players yawning.

They were out all night.

Nobody's going to care about the game.

Are you kidding me, dude?

That's hilarious.

That's the smartest things I ever did, Paul.

Back in the day, my friends would go down there and I never went.

That's the smartest thing I ever did.

You go down there, Paul.

You don't come, but you physically come back, you don't come back.

You don't

come back, and then, like,

the level of shit that you're going to be taking from an American woman, and then these goddesses are down.

I mean, you know, I'll just

I'm not saying they don't give you shit down there, but if you're going to take some shit, Paul,

that's the best, you know, it's like being homeless.

If you're going to do it, San Diego, Sammy, that's

oh, yeah, absolutely.

Don't do it in Cleveland.

No.

If you're going to live under a bridge, Paul, I mean,

where is Paul Versey living?

Probably South Beach.

That's warm.

It was South Beach, you know, cute.

Paul Versey, the happiest, homeless guy.

You're loving me.

Like, dude, you don't even need a house.

I swear to God, dude.

I go to the beach.

You know, it rains a lot, but it doesn't rain for a long time down here.

And as long as it doesn't go sideways, you know, if I'm under the bridge, I mean, I'm good.

I got a dog.

The NFL is going, I think they need to calm it down a little bit.

I mean, what's next?

Dude, I'm seeing the Raiders in Colombia next year.

I'm telling you.

If they're going to try, they're trying to go global like.

you know, how soccer is global in the UFC.

I'm telling you,

they don't understand that that's apples and oranges.

I remember Rogan said a long time ago, if you're driving down the street, even if you don't watch MMA, if you saw two people fighting, you're going to stop and watch it.

Like fighting has global appeal and so does soccer.

I mean, it would be, can you imagine if like Australian rules football came over here or they tried to bring like the seven nation fucking rugby league over here and who's going to win the championship or the wooden spoon?

I mean, that's what we're trying to do.

I'm not shitting on those leagues, but it's just you grew up with those, you watched them with your dad, and it's just

they're there.

So I don't know.

But I mean, if they're gonna try to go global, you might as well go to some.

I thought your voice just cracked when you said dad.

I swear, I thought you were doing the thing, Dad.

All right, well, here's the best part, Bill.

You get to go first because it's an odd year, and you go first on the

fellow.

So, what's that and i'm an odd fella you're an odd fella and you get the uh you get the honors to open the year and you know what happens it's just something about me you can't quite put your finger on it um

all right well i'm gonna go right out of the gate and i'm gonna take my new england patriots minus two and a half playing the oakland raiders sorry los angeles raiders oakland the las vegas raiders All right.

Dude,

the Raiders are like that dude, you know, that got married like the fourth time and you're like, am I really going to this wedding?

I'm just not going.

I wish you well, but I can't make this one.

Where do they move next?

I know.

I know.

Where do you go after that?

They got the triangle of fucking death there.

Oakland, LA, Oakland, Vegas.

I'll tell you where they're going to go.

They're going to be the Brazil Raiders.

Oh, my God.

That would be a hell of a promotion.

If I was the owner, I would literally have a pirate ship sail into the harbor.

That's how I would do it.

I am fucking swinging in the fucking wind here.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

The Rio Raiders.

Yeah, I was thinking that too.

Andrew said the Rio Raiders.

Dude, I got to tell you, it's got a nice ring.

It's got a nice ring to it.

You're telling me the Giants are playing the Rio Raiders?

You're not trying to sell that to your wife?

Babe, we're going to Brazil.

We're going down there to the game.

For you.

For you.

They got, they got, they got, they got frozen yogurt down there.

I got to go with, you know, I'm hearing good things.

I don't like people who like watch preseason football and, you know, with a fucking 200-man roster and somehow they know something.

Well, this is what I do know.

His Mike Fray looking coach for this week.

He did great in Tennessee.

He's a former Patriot.

You know, the old player coach thing here, I think people are going to get on board.

I hated that they seem like they hired Mayo to fire him.

You know, it's just like, didn't he deserve?

I thought he deserved more, but whatever.

You got to shake it off.

Here we go.

So we're playing the Raiders who are always in flux, Paul.

And

I don't think we have a convincing win.

I think we win.

I think we cover.

And I don't know what it means.

I'm not going to put that level of weight on it, but

for those of you watching, if you haven't been new to the show, this is 100% a Versey bet.

This is me betting with my heart.

But you got to like the two and a half at home.

The Raiders are a little hapless right now.

Hey, Paul, I don't have to do anything.

Don't put fucking words in my mouth.

You need to.

No, I like, no, two and a half, I like.

I got it.

You got it.

I'll tell you who I like, dude, is that field goal kicker on the University of Miami.

hitting that 47 yarder that would have been good from like 57 yards in the fucking orange bowl whatever they call it now joe ravi stadium wherever the hell they play against the Raiders, against the Raiders, against the fucking

Notre Dame Fighting Irish.

That was a big kick.

He went up there like it was nothing.

Yeah, dude.

And what about that kid who kicked a 70-yarder in preseason college or whatever?

During a game?

It banged a 70-yarder, dude.

It was nuts.

Yeah, can we find out who that was?

If you're consistent from 70 yards, all you have to get is to your 40.

Oh,

plus, there'd be another eight.

You'd have to get to like your 48 yeah jake i'm sorry it was the jaguars kicker jaguars kicker in preseason kicked a 70 yard 70 yarder yeah what is the record and it had some left uh 65 in in a real game

i mean was it me paul were they still tackling in that game

could he still have gotten hit and like for some reason that doesn't count all right

All right, I'm going to do something stupid, but I'm going to do it.

Tonight, I'm going tonight.

Okay.

i'm going you got eagles cowboys tonight the eagles are minus eight and a half

and you know what i think they're gonna win the game by 10.

i see this game being like a 21 to 10 game i think that dallas morale is down with micah parsons going to green bay and uh i thought cowboys but you know what nah super bowl champs saquan's gonna be excited the link is gonna be going nuts i can't believe i'm saying this it's sickening actually sickening but i'm gonna take them to win by 10.

It hurts me to say this.

Oh, I mean, is there any worse spread than eight and a half?

No.

I'd rather have 10 because then it's usually a great team against a shit team, but eight and a half division rivalry.

I'll tell you, Paul, you got balls.

I don't get mad.

I don't get too mad at that.

All right, here's an easy one.

Chiefs minus three, playing the Chargers.

I just feel like

I feel like the Chiefs, it was an embarrassment.

They want to come back and show that, like, you know, they have that, they're not on the other side of it, that Andy Reid's got another one in him.

I also feel like the NFL needs this storyline.

I don't know if Paula Abdul's going to be at the game or not, but like, I just, you know,

I feel like

it's going to be a close game.

I like the Chiefs minus three.

Paul, I'm not going to lie to you.

I really feel good about this.

I feel like I'm 2-0 right now.

I feel like some of my hair is growing back.

I just, there's a lot of good feelings over here.

He's going to take the Chiefs.

So I think that that's a great pick.

And listen, Travis Kelsey and Taylor Swift, they got engaged.

God bless them.

So, you know, you don't have to worry about Travis having his face buried in some fucking Brazilian chickback.

Hey, he's a season.

Hey, well, now, you know, it's a long week.

He's off the market.

It's a long week.

But I agree.

I think the Chiefs.

Can you do an impression of Travis Kelsey's face when he gets engaged and then sees the NFL schedule that you could go to Brazil?

He calls his brother, dude.

I could have waited like three weeks, dude.

I should have waited.

I should have waited.

I thought we were still going to Germany.

Or England.

Dude, let's be honest.

The last time the Chiefs played a football game that was meaningful, they got fucking smoked in a Super Bowl.

I think it's going to be bad for the Chargers.

Sorry, Jake.

Hey, Jake the Snake doesn't like this pick, but great pick by you.

Well, that's why we had to give Jake the big contract.

The Chargers were sniffing around him.

They wanted to get him up in the booth.

Yeah, we had to put the franchise tag on Jake the Snake.

All right.

Well, Bill, you took your team.

And you know what?

I'm going to take my team.

The New York Giants just got probably one of the best defensive linemen in all of the draft, and I love what they're doing on defense.

Russell Wilson brings a little stability, but I also like our backup quarterback, and we have probably one of the best wide receivers in the game.

Commanders minus six.

I'm going to take the Giants getting six points.

My Giants, my new defense look Giants going in there.

Not saying we definitely win the game, but I could see it being a field goal game.

I'm going to take the Giants six.

I mean,

who do the Steelers have at quarterback?

You know who they got.

They got your boy Aaron Rodgers.

Oh, is that where he went?

Jesus.

Yeah.

Christ.

Oh, so they made a straight, they made a trade there.

The two of them he just signed with them like two weeks ago.

He waited.

Oh, you know, Aaron Rodgers enjoyed the summer before he made his decision, but that's what he did.

Oh,

oh, Paul, that that's that's a that's a ballsy pick.

You got two,

you know, you got two grizzled vets on a center.

All right, let's move on here.

I like that Bills-Ravens game.

I think it's going to be a great game.

Ooh, Sunday night.

Plus one, minus one.

Let's just be honest, Paul.

It's a pick.

I love Lamar Jackson, but there's just something

about that Ravens team.

Like, they just always, I don't know, they just,

oh, God.

I think I'm going to take the bills just because they're at home.

And other than that,

I have no idea.

Like, that, that's literally

whatever.

I mean, I just think that's a flip the coin.

I'll take the point.

I'll take one point if I can get it.

I mean, Paul, who am I?

You know, I'm just a guy here waiting to get a breakfast burrito.

Ooh.

You're getting a breakfast burrito from that place you took me to?

The place I took you to, Paul, the old lady's not there anymore.

And they switched it up and it's it's it's average.

My two breakfast burrito places, Paul, they're average now.

It's it's you know, you see what happens.

All of a sudden, when those Uber Eat guys start showing up and there's some of that robot AI shit going on, the food just goes like this.

This fucking fascination that everybody has with technology and robots, there's nothing better than a person that cares.

How old are you?

A person that cares is always going to be better than a fucking robot.

Always.

That's why I like over-medium eggs.

You said it best.

You got to care just for 30 extra seconds.

You got to just a little care.

That's it.

Yeah.

Eggs are better.

You cannot make an over-medium egg for someone you don't have love for.

Your heart has to be in it.

And this fucking bullshit where they're acting like these robots feel feelings.

They don't.

It's an algorithm.

Yeah, nothing, dude.

They can make them as cute as they want.

Those stupid fucking box things driving down the fucking street.

Have you ever seen them go in and actually deliver anything?

They're not.

That's just a promotional tool.

Do you get?

Oh, look.

Oh, look at it.

Yeah.

What's in there, Paul?

Huh?

Somebody's insulin?

How long is it going to take for them to fucking deliver it?

I hate to hear it.

Is the old lady all right?

Huh?

Is the old lady all right?

Who?

The breakfast burrito lady.

I mean, dude, I don't know if she's all right.

She's not there anymore, but I can tell you right now, if she passed on,

if she passed on, God was like, hang on, hang on.

All right.

Come on in.

come here come here come here you

we gotta you

this she did it right

all right tsa pre-checked right into heaven all right i got my fourth and final pick here dude and i'm gonna be honest with you I don't love it, but I like it.

And I'm going to take,

I'm going to take for the first time in three years, I think the cincinnati bangles don't lose week one and i like them minus five and a half like that i think the browns are in a disarray and uh one of the browns aren't in disarray i mean come on the browns have been i'm not gonna lie

i'm gonna take joe burrows browns haven't been in array since jim brown

rest his soul they've been in disarray ever since that's not true cardiac kids you know the those lway browns games that fucking, if they could have just won one of those games, I think that that rivalry would have had more attention put on it.

I mean, it was, those were just fucking,

Paul, that was football.

Municipal Stadium and Mile High Stadium.

Those were just ugly.

You had to love football to sit in those fucking stadiums.

That was the real deal.

I love both of those stadiums.

Oh, okay, good.

No, actually, Andrew said we both have one more pick.

By the way, did I ever tell the story about what I heard about the drive with John Elway when John Elway went to Cleveland to speak about the drive with the dog pound throwing eggs.

Did I tell you that story?

If I didn't tell you the story, I'm going to tell you real quick.

Bo Diaz was the cop at Hilarity's.

Hilarity, shout out to Nick Costas.

Great room.

He always had police there.

Bo Diaz, the catcher from

the Indians.

No, no, no.

No, Bo Diaz was the cop that was at Hilarities.

But is that the same Bo Diaz that played in MLB?

No.

No.

This is cop Bo Diaz.

What was his partner's name, Royce Smalley?

Different guy.

Different guy.

Different guy.

So I'm talking to the club owner, Dave Winfield.

He tells me this story.

I've said it on other podcasts, so I'm going to make it quick because I need to say it on anything better.

He said that John Elway came to

one of those conference meetings, you know, like a speaking thing in Cleveland.

And Elway stands up and he goes, all right, guys.

And he's in Cleveland and Elway goes, I'm going to tell you guys about the drive.

Everyone starts booing and Bo's the cop in there.

Everyone starts booing, boo.

booing he goes hold on hold on let me just tell you this story and he goes before that drive started an egg from the dog pound they had the fans the dog pound he said an egg came hit the face mask of my old lineman and yolk is all over his face and he said the whole drive this is from this is the greatest story ever he said the whole drive he's going like this in the drive going he's going And he won't wipe.

He won't wipe it.

So Elway goes, Elway goes, dude, why don't you wipe your eyes?

And he's going, I'm not giving those fucks the satisfaction to see that they got me.

And

John Elway said it made them loose and laughing the entire drive and kept them loose the whole thing.

Because they said every time they would get back into the huddle, he'd be like this.

And he wouldn't do it.

He's going like this.

And he said, Elway and them laughed the whole way down the drive because he's going, I'm not giving those fucks the satisfaction.

How great is that?

It's

what makes men fucking hilarious.

That's it.

All we need is some silly shit.

That's fucking amazing.

That's

so goddamn funny.

You know what's funny is I actually,

the first person I thought I was at was my late, great friend, Wayne Prevery.

He would have done the exact same thing.

And he used,

rest his soul.

And he played high school football.

And his move, he was on the defensive line.

His move was he would grab the guy, other guy's jersey like this and he would just start slamming his head into him

like repeatedly and just beat the guy down like just take his heart early in the game like like just establish that he was out of his mind that is 100 something wayne preverty would have done that's awesome um all right you get your fourth pick All right, Paul, and I'm just, I'm just going to fucking close my eyes and

throw a dart here.

I don't know why.

I don't know why.

This game just, I just love their coach.

And the more he looks like he's like Sean Penn playing Kleinfeld and like all of a sudden going bad and dealing Coke is the Miami Dolphins.

They're plus one

against the Colts, minus one at home.

I just think, you know, Daniel Jones there, now they find out he's out there.

You know, it's a new system.

He's getting comfortable with the team.

They're home.

The Dolphins, you know, I feel like, you know,

they've played some really good teams.

They've beaten them over the years.

I mean, they got to be getting to the point.

Like, when the fuck are we going to do something with Tua?

I just feel like, you know, it's the first game of the year.

I love that pick.

They're going to come out.

And,

you know, I think it's going to take Daniel Jones some time with the Colts.

They got a new owner.

They got a whole bunch of new shits going on out there in Indianapolis.

And I think the Dolphins.

They're a little salty over the last couple of years.

You know, the Bills this, the Bills that.

Hey, fuck you.

We're in this Division II.

I think they can win by more than one.

Dude, I love the Sean Penn Kleinfeld thing.

What a great character, by the way.

What a great scumbag lawyer character that was.

That's my favorite.

When Pacino looks, you know, when he says, you know, I'm your lawyer.

And then Pacino goes, Lawyer.

Yeah.

You ain't a lawyer, Kleinfeld.

You a gangster.

I love that.

Good impression.

That was great.

Oh, that was a great movie, dude.

Kleinfeld is my friend.

dude how great right out of the gate john liguzzamo the first movie i ever saw him he's doing a

scene with al pacino and right out of the gate it's just like it's like the jordan thing when jordan gets in the nba everybody talks about i took offense to that or whatever i took that personally my favorite line in the last dance was when uh he said when he got to the nba i felt like i needed to establish myself yeah oh god no and in in the curse of chicago the two gold chains

and he's just in there just looking like spider-man dude the two gold the two gold like john link wasamo did that okay i'm in a scene with al pacino i'm the new kid on the block i need to establish myself benny blanco from the bronx paul

benny blanco from the bronx come on

and louis guzman going you know i gotta look out for the future when he when he you know he crossed him he crossed him.

He set him up at the train station and he goes, I got to look out for the future.

Because he wouldn't kill Benny.

He showed that he actually had, you know,

it was considered soft.

He could have killed him.

Carlito, what are you doing?

Come on, man, finish him.

Whatever.

I got to see that again.

Yeah, it's a great movie.

I'm watching Ghost Dog right now with Forrest Whitaker.

Oh, that's good, right?

It's a strange movie.

It's like when Forrest Whitaker's in it, you're like, this movie's going to win an Oscar.

And then when the other people are in it, it's like some of the other people, it's like,

the tone of the movie is a little fucking off.

Chains.

He is amazing.

He's a great actor.

Dude, you just made me think of Jordan with two chains when he had the two chains in the dunk contest.

I mean.

Can I tell a quick story?

I got to tell a quick story about my son.

So my son

is in the big boy school now.

He's not in pre-K anymore.

So he goes to the big school and he's all nervous about going to school and all of that stuff, you know?

So he was a little emotional the first couple of days.

So the teachers knew it.

You know, he didn't like the big school.

He wanted to go back to his little school.

So when he showed up, they were doing that, you know, that high-pitchy thing, talking to him.

So he's walking in with his, you know, backpack on.

And they're all going, hey, buddy, how you doing?

Oh, good to see you.

Are you excited?

Huh?

You happy to be here?

And they're trying to do that.

They're going, you happy to be here?

And he doesn't even look at him.

He just walks by and he just goes,

Thumbs down,

dude.

I told my wife, walked right by him, didn't say a word, dude.

I had to look away.

I told my wife

from the little school, and he was just like, Hey, and then he just hung out with him, dude.

My wife, so I told my wife that story, she burst it out, she burst it out.

I mean, that the thumbs down, it's almost mature, it's almost mature.

And it wasn't, it wasn't like malicious, David.

It's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

How are you doing?

He's like,

just walked in

i was out by the time i got back to the car i was crying i couldn't even get it out and nia just started laughing going what what i and i was going our son you're not gonna believe what our son just took

and we laughed all through

all through breakfast how could you not um all right you know what before i do my fourth and final pick we got to talk about the bet mgm app and the first bet offer that they're given okay guys there's a great first bet offer for Bet MGM.

All you have to do is download the BetMGM Sportsbook app, okay, to your device.

You sign up and deposit $10,

okay, into the account, place your first wager and receive up to $1,500

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if your bet loses.

Now, it's not $1,500 cash, but it's $1,500 you could play with.

So read the fine print for the guidelines, but you will be able to play with $1,500.

If that bet loses, your bonus bets will be available once your initial wager is settled, guys.

please bet responsibly, have fun.

And listen, go with our picks.

I got people coming to my comedy shows.

I had a wife.

I had a wife come to my comedy show.

She walked up with her husband and she just goes, Hey, we're here because you did really good by us in the football season.

I was like, Oh my God, did she give you a tribute?

And I was just giving you a little envelope of cash.

And oh, you've been crushing it for so many years.

You got to have a receiving table sitting there.

uh also we got to do the first touchdown guys you guys know how this works you place any player you pick any player to score touchdown of of any game and if your player doesn't uh but scores the second you get the entire stake back uh in cash uh no opt-in required so you uh you pick a player to get the first touchdown and if they do you win and if they don't you get your cash back uh if they get the second one in fact um guys for my fourth and final pick here we go my fourth and final pick

you know, I didn't want to do it.

I didn't want to do it.

What you gonna?

Dude, this Lions-Packers line is really messing with me, dude.

It's really weird.

It's a, it's a, and you always told me this from when we first met, that, the, the same division, division rivals, minus two and a half, Packers, Lions.

The Packers are home.

They just got a big defense.

It's all this hype about the Packers.

Oh, this guy.

You got this guy.

Acting like the Lions didn't win the division last year, acting like, you know,

I'm going to do something stupid.

Oh, Paulie's going in.

I'm taking the Broncos.

I'm going Broncos minus eight and a half.

Bron, what the fuck just happened?

I know.

I know.

I got two teams.

The movie just changed.

Here's the deal.

You want to know why?

I hate to say this, and I'm sorry to any fans in Tennessee.

The Titans stink, and Denver's coming.

And it's going to be a bloodbath in Denver.

I think this is a 17-point win.

Listen, Paul, it wouldn't be anything better if you didn't call one game this week a bloodbath.

He's calling it early.

Oh,

Bill, they're asking us, Jake the Snake asked, did you guys see the Cowboys dock on Netflix?

No, Jake, I have not, but I heard that it actually really is like somebody said, not to go big, but this is what somebody said, it's the best doc they've seen since last dance not as good as last dance not as good as last dance but the jimmy johnson part how jimmy johnson's like you can't practice okay i got a funny one for you yeah my wife you know she'd been she'd been picking like a lot of the stuff lately that we were watching so she goes all right she goes you know that's why we're watching ghost dog now because i wanted to watch it right so she goes all right this is a um you know this is your night well blah blah blah blah blah let's pick something so

um

we were like scrolling through, and she goes, Oh, look at they got a thing behind the scenes cowboys thing.

You know, you want to watch this?

And I go, Yeah, yeah, let's watch it.

And she just watched the trailer and Jimmy Johnson's screaming at his players and stuff.

She goes, Wow, she goes, That guy's like, really,

that guy's really mean.

Just laughed on it.

No, I'll watch it.

I'll watch that.

I watch that.

I'll watch it on my own.

Yeah,

oh no.

Oh, what happened?

We lost Billy.

Oh, right in the middle of the Jerry Jones thing.

Oh, brutal.

He'll be back.

He'll be back.

Have you been watching it, though?

So, yeah, I watched it.

I mean, what's funny is, like, it's kind of about Jerry, but Jerry Jones is like the least interesting part of the documentary.

Like, the most interesting part is like Michael Irvin, Jimmy Johnson,

Emmett Smith, Troy, you know, those guys.

And then I think another thing I want to bring up that was like really cool is like the footage of the games is like, it looks like they're playing them today.

Like if you show, if I show, if you showed those games to somebody, you're like, was that last week it's like the footage of the game is like unbelievable you see how hard they're hitting um in that era of football um incredible and the urban stories are hilarious and uh

oh there's billy's back all right bill's back so i was saying like me making her watch that then it would be like i gotta watch real housewives with her i can't i mean i don't mind the real housewives of jersey I can sit through some of those.

The guys in the show are fun.

There's a scene in the documentary that reminded me of you, Bill, and

that Emmett Smith was going through the holdout or whatever.

And I guess Barry Switzer was kind of tired of them asking about it constantly.

And he turns to the report and he goes, It's like, Do you guys have any, do you guys have any shit better to ask today, or something like that?

It was like, That's how Bill would answer it if he was the coach.

So, anyway, it's a great watch.

Barry Switzer was a character, man.

Yeah, he was fucking funny, dude.

Yeah, well, you know what?

It was the

same formula.

They took a big-time college coach that played, that, that, like, well, one of the guys, Jimmy put Miami on the map, but they caught up to whatever Oklahoma had been doing as far as like, hey, you want a new car, you want this, you whatever, like back in the day, all of that sh all of that fun shit.

Now it's all above board and everybody knows what the money was.

I mean, I don't know.

I think it was just more fun with the boosters and everything, but I think it was like two like similar programs.

Like it's kind of amazing.

I think he tried because he had such, Jerry Jones had such good luck with Jimmy Johnson that he went back to the well.

Like, I'm going to get like a really well-respected legendary.

Like, Barry Switzerland was a legend in Oklahoma.

So I think he tried to do that twice.

It was interesting to me that when he came on

that he didn't pick a former NFL coach.

Like we just picked up Vrabel, you know, you know, we can do it.

Yeah, yeah.

Like he just picked these college guys, you know, and a lot of times those college guys come up and it doesn't go so well.

And like, you know, it's a completely different deal, you know, as opposed to like, you know, with the booster money, as opposed to guys already being millionaires having to coach them.

So, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I like how Jimmy, I saw coming like a trailer where Jimmy Johnson was like, yeah, we can't practice.

You can't practice the way we practice anymore.

You can't do what we did in practice anymore.

And I wanted to watch it, but Bill, am I going to watch it?

No.

And you want to know why I'm not going to watch it?

Because I'm too immature right now as a Giants fan to watch my rivals movie.

I don't, I can't do it.

You know, I'll grow up, but I can't do it.

I just didn't watch any of that fucking Lakers Celtic shit.

No.

I don't want to live through that again.

I don't want to watch like how they downplay.

They don't even bring up Len Bias dying.

Like, that's what fucked us.

It wasn't the Lakers.

Yeah.

I'll give them 85, but it was just like we had a number one draft pick.

And that would have been the 87, 88.

If we have like len bias it's just it was the worst thing

and what's funny is like you know a lot of laker fans don't give a shit it's just like well just imagine those games imagine

i'm not even saying we would have won i'm just saying that but magic cream cooper and all of those guys would have had to deal with that problem too which would have been they would have had to take their greatness and go to an even another level and then larry like dude larry are like when he that kid got drafted rest his soul larry immediately called him up and challenged him to a game of one-on-one.

He was so amped up for it.

And it's just, it's just one of the, there's a couple of things during that era that great things almost happened and then didn't.

Patriots beating the Miami Dolphins in the Orange Bowl.

So then you get Bills, you get the Patriots versus the Bears versus the Dolphins versus the Bears.

And the Dolphins were the only team that beat the Bears that year.

And it would have been like a chance for the Bears to avenge it.

I brought that up a million times.

Wait, Bill, how come you probably know this more than me?

Why are the Dallas Cowboys in the New York Giants NFC East division?

I never understood why a Texas team would be in the NFC East.

I don't know the answer to that.

Oh, yeah.

I was talking about this with some friends, too.

And the NFC West used to have like the Saints and the Falcons.

It was very bizarre.

They switched it like relatively recently.

But yeah, I think that's a good question.

I guess

that probably

had to do with those teams.

I think that had to do with because they were both expansion franchises yeah but the the dallas cowboys were were you know that that's an nfl team uh i mean they were expansion

i guess there goes that theory i was just thinking like you know sometimes like when leagues would merge there'd be sort of these weird things like i mean i don't understand why

seattle went from the AFC to the NFC or the Milwaukee Brewers all of a sudden went to the National League.

I don't understand why they make those moves, but yeah, happened with the Astros, too.

Dude, one year the Arizona Cardinals in the 90s were in the New York Giants division.

The Arizona Cardinals were in the NFC East for a little bit.

I don't understand why they do that, but I think you're right, Bill.

I think that's right.

I'll tell you why that is because they used to be the St.

Louis Cardinals.

And even then, it didn't make sense that they were in the East, but they would go

like you know,

it's like the Tigers used to be in the AL East, Detroit, before when they had like two divisions.

They had like a real weird way that they set that up.

But I will tell you, I will

look that up because that's the kind of like sports nerd shit that I love.

Yeah, no, that's that's uh that's why I asked you because I have no idea.

There's no rhyme or reason, but we still have, guess what, we, what time it is right now, right?

Oh, let the Monday Night Special

win some money for you.

Let's Monday Night Special.

It's good to hear.

Oh, it's good to hear that.

That means AB is in full effect.

What do we got, Andrew?

What is Monday night football looking like here?

Oh, there we go.

Look at him.

Oh, let's talk about division rivals, the Vikings and Bears in Chicago.

One and a half.

It's a pick'em.

It's basically a pick'em.

Basically a pick'em.

All right.

What are we doing with quarterbacks here?

Who do we got?

We have

the Michigan Bears.

J.J.

McCarthy, the Michigan Barriers.

J.J.

McCarthy played his first game ever as a Viking because he was their pick, and then he was hurt last year.

So it's J.J.

McCarthy.

We don't know anything about him, but they have the best wide receiver in football in Justin Jefferson or top two or three.

And who's the quarterback for the Bears?

Caleb Williams from USC,

Caleb Williams from USC.

Second year, had a decent year last year.

Took him first overall.

We can't take a rookie never played in an NFL game quarterback before, can we?

It's the Bears, dude.

It is the Bears.

I mean, at this point, if you're an NFL quarterback prospect and you get drafted by the Bears or the Browns,

you got to be, it's like you're on a conveyor belt to a fucking garbage bin.

Like they don't know how to, they don't know how to develop them.

I'm not saying it's, it's, they even picked the wrong, they have picked some, you know, questionable people, but like, I don't know what it is.

It's like, you know, people, like, there's certain people, if you give them a plant, they can't keep it alive.

That's what, like, the Bears and Browns are when it comes to quarterbacks.

I don't know what it is.

They can't protect them.

They don't give him anybody to throw.

There's nobody to hand off to.

It's, you just fucking, you're on an island.

You're more than a country.

Wait a minute, though.

The Vikings did just get Adam Thielen back, who was the number one receiver for the Panthers, and now he's on the other side of Justin Jefferson.

All right, so let's do just

take Paul.

Not knowing shit about this game, I automatically go, the Pikes are going to win that.

All right, let's take, yeah, let's take Justin Jefferson to catch one touchdown.

That's a definite.

Okay, that's what I was going to suggest.

That's a definite.

Or mine, DeAndre Paul Tief.

What's that?

DeAndre Swift, any relation to Taylor?

No.

What do we we got here?

Players to score three touchdowns.

That's not going to happen.

You can combine that with Vikings Moneyline if you both like the Vikings.

You want to do Vikings Moneyline?

Yeah.

Okay, Bill liked the Vikings from the gate.

Let's do it.

Justin Jefferson to catch one.

Vikings to win the game outright.

And then we need one more.

You like a total or how do you feel?

I don't like underovers.

They bite us.

They've bitten us too much.

What's the line on that guy coming back to the game to catch in the stands, to jump out of the stands and catch a field goal that goes through the uprights?

Oh my God, how funny was that, dude?

Was that a Vikings game?

No, that was a Giants game.

The Giants game.

Oh, wow.

Dude, I just remember my roommate from Boston start crying, laughing, and I just saw a dude with a mullet fly out of the fucking upper deck and catch a field goal.

Dude, that's like the most

that's the most fucking fucked up thing.

Dude, that was unbelievable.

The only other thing that I saw was as crazy as that was this guy like reached to get a ball in like the upper deck and one of those old school cookie cutter things and he flipped over and started to fall.

We've shown that clip.

The guy was like 80s jacked and he was able

with one hand and these dude, his friends pulled him back up.

But dude, when I tell you, he was at one point,

his feet were at 12 o'clock.

His head was at six.

He was hanging off the upper, he was going over the upper deck.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah, dude.

He was like, you know, like when a dog just gets like fucking, you know, hyper-focused on something, he just saw that ball and he forgot about gravity, his own well-being, the whole thing.

Dude, that sounds like an action movie.

It was, yeah.

All right, Jake, you know, we got Jake's take.

What do you want to do?

Me and Bill took ours.

What do you want to do?

I was going to suggest Justin Jefferson there.

What are some Calendars props?

What are his over-under for like a passing touchdown?

Maybe just take him to throw a passing touchdown.

Something simple.

Yeah, you know what?

You want to

ease into week one with just

with, yeah, him to throw one, Justin Jefferson to catch one.

And we think the money

and the money line will give our people something simple week one.

Yeah, Paul.

He just woke up.

You know what I mean?

Have a light breakfast.

Yeah, you know, go for a little junk.

You got 18 weeks there, Paul.

You got 18 weeks.

Go get some eggs.

Relax.

What are we doing here?

It's only week one.

Just, you know, by the way, football tonight makes me very, very happy.

The fact that I can sit down tonight, I don't have to work.

But of Ken, my luck.

I got to watch the Eagles and Cowboys.

I can't win, Bill.

I can't win.

Put the Raiders on, the Rio Raiders.

That's who I want to see tonight.

What are you thinking about Russell Wilson?

I think that if the Giants aren't 500 at week six, it's going to go to Jackson Dart, our rookie.

I think that's what I think.

But I think he's going to keep it stable.

I think we'll be all right.

I don't understand that guy's career.

The second he leaves Seattle, all of a sudden he hasn't been Russell Wilson.

And I just don't believe that what happened in Seattle was all their defense, all coaching.

His deep ball was one of the best deep balls in the league.

I don't know what's good.

If he could, whatever's going on up here, if he's got the yips, I don't know what it is, but like,

I don't know.

I just feel like he's going to do well with you guys because you're more defensive-minded.

He doesn't have to put up all of these

crazy numbers or whatever.

Well, he said him and his wife are happy now.

He said, Him and him, me and my wife are happy now.

We're where we want to be.

He did throw a moon ball, dude.

He threw a bomb in the preseason, and it looked like old Russell Wilson.

And they said he's happy and stuff.

We'll see what happens.

But look, the Giants haven't had a guy like that, you know, since Eli's prime.

And he's better than Eli.

Oh, you know, as much as I hate to say that.

But yeah, oh, he was always your guy.

You always love the wife.

Unbelievable.

I think you're, here's the funniest part about that.

I think you're shaking your head because you were going to go, I've always loved Russell Wilson.

You just go, the wife.

Sounds fucking believable.

It's taking you.

It's taken down like 60,000 people fucking watching you, paying paying for parking and all of that fucking shit and you're in the huddle going like I didn't get how the fuck can you say that to me?

All right, what are we doing here?

It's like free play of the argument in his fucking head.

It's it's the only thing that could take down an empire.

They just they just can stop everything.

You know, can you imagine the house that they're living in?

Can you just be cool for 18 fucking weeks?

We make the playoffs.

I'm sorry.

It's going to go a little long.

You know what they are?

You know what they are?

I'm going to tell you.

Here we go.

Here's what they are: what are they?

They're a phone call on the 12th hole of golf when you're having a great time and you're smoking a cigar and you're with your buddy and the cooler's back there and you're even shooting well.

And if you make par a bogey on the next hole, you're right where you want to be.

And then the phone call comes, what time are you coming home?

And you just the face changes.

You go from this to

hold on a second.

Hold on a second.

And it's fucking double bogey.

Over.

Wheels, come on.

I'm three-putting.

I'm three-putting.

And then you're upset when you come home, and then she plays the victim.

I let you go out and play golf with your friends.

No, you didn't.

You let me play 12 holes.

I was two-putting max before that text.

Two-putting max.

Send her a text during fucking brunch.

Ask her what she's doing.

Oh, dude, there you go.

There you go.

Nothing.

Just having some drink.

When are you going to be home?

Not, I'll let you know.

We don't need to end like this.

We don't need to end like this.

Paul, you know, all the best.

I felt it.

I felt there was something hanging there, Paul.

You know, Russell Wilson's wife is happy, so I think he might play better.

That's how nuts it is.

I can't let you guys know that.

Because here's the deal.

Here's the deal.

And no offense to Sierra, his wife, but you know, when he was in Denver, she's like, there's nothing to do out here.

Pick.

Pick.

I'm the biggest Russell Wilson fan ever, but you marry a woman named Sierra.

She hasn't been told no a lie.

He's for that.

If that's not a daddy's girl's name, forget about it.

You can be 100% wrong, but I'm seeing the Street 16.

party with a brand new car with a bow on it.

That's when I hear the name Sierra.

That's so, yeah.

Or Sierra, there's a chance that her dad's in a white militia

in fucking Idaho.

When you start getting those, you know, upper Midwest

out on the prairie names for kids.

And let's be honest, when your wife is Sierra, who was a pop star, a Sierra's not happy in Denver or Pittsburgh.

A Sierra's not happy in Denver.

A Sierra needs LA or New York.

Can we be honest?

Sierra is going, you know, when I used to play Mile High Stadium when I was singing my fucking songs, okay, we did a runner.

The show was over.

We got on the bus and we left.

And then he's forcing balls in because he doesn't care.

Now I think he'll be all right.

There you go.

Now she's in New York, Paul.

You got Fifth Avenue.

Oh, yeah.

You got Fifth Avenue.

She's going to, I think, you know.

No, she showed up to Giants camp with her sunglasses, went up, hugged the coaches, laughing with the players.

Russ looked looked relaxed.

This could be a good one.

She's happy.

She's happy.

All of a sudden, Russell controlled the deep ball again.

Four touchdowns stuff tomorrow.

All right, everybody.

There you have it.

If he gets another trade, that he has them like they're going to mob, like when a mobster

testifies with the lawyer right next, what are some of the teams you'd be willing to go for?

He'd be like, hang on a second.

Miami.

Vegas.

It's like in Goodfellas when he went into the front, just nowhere cold, okay?

He's got asthma.

Well, if he's got asthma, remember?

What would happen to Tom Brady?

He went to Tampa, and that was the end of it.

I ain't going to fucking Tampa.

Fuck am I going to do it on there?

Go to a titty bar and go to a Winn-Dixie?

Oh, man, that's great.

Well, what a great first episode.

This is why this is the best podcast.

This is why this is the best.

And this is why we're going to beat everybody.

Let's give these people some fucking money again this year, Paul.

There you go, guys.

Our Monday night special is Justin Jefferson to catch one, Caleb Williams to throw one, and the Minnesota Vikings money line.

You have my picks.

You have Bill's picks.

Enjoy week one, guys.

Yara's in New York and she's happy.

Yiera's in New York.

So let's go, Giants.

Those six points are looking good.

Guys.

Don't forget the first touchdown thing.

You pick any player to get a first touchdown and you win.

And if that player doesn't get a first touchdown but in fact gets the second touchdown you get your um cash back and um if you put in you download our app the bet mgm app and you use our code our code burr it's always been burr very easy b-u-r-r you put that in 10 bucks and once that very easy unlike the man himself

uh if you lose that bet you'll get 1500 in bonus bets uh not cash but bets to uh to play play with the uh money to to bet more And there you go.

Bet responsibly.

Enjoy week one, and we will see you guys next week.