Old ESPN, Food, Canada | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-13-25

Speaker 1 Ark Raiders, everybody! Thank you to Embark Studios bringing us their new game, Ark Raiders. A multiplayer extraction adventure video game set in a lethal future Earth.

Speaker 1 Explore an immersive, post-apocalyptic world scarred by conflict and reclaimed by nature. A living surface where weather, enemies, and shifting conditions heighten the constant threat of Ark.

Speaker 1 Communities are forced below ground to survive. Jesus, this is amazing.
Scavenge, survive, thrive in a new extraction adventure.

Speaker 1 Ark Raiders, available now on PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X, S, and PC rated T for T.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in.

Speaker 1 Checking in on you.

Speaker 3 Ooh,

Speaker 1 what's going on?

Speaker 2 Hawaii.

Speaker 1 Oh, boy, it's Thursday, everybody. It's time for Thursday afternoon football.
No, Thursday night football. So,

Speaker 1 old Freckles has a fucking gambling theory that has been working, and this week I have to use it against my own New England Patriots.

Speaker 1 Division rivalry, Thursday night game.

Speaker 1 The underdog is getting more than five and a half points.

Speaker 1 You take the fucking

Speaker 1 underdog, right? So this week it's the Patriots versus the fucking hapless Jets coming off their second victory of the year against the Cleveland Browns. The second iteration of the Cleveland Browns.

Speaker 1 The first iteration, of course, being the Baltimore Ravens.

Speaker 1 Hey, who gets to claim that NFL title that they won in like 1965? I mean, that belongs to the franchise, right? So isn't that the Baltimore Ravens?

Speaker 1 So they've won two Super Bowls and an NFL title. Well, they won a bunch with Otto Graham in the 1950s, but the last one that they had won was 1965.
So it's weird.

Speaker 1 So like the city, it's kind of like the Laker bullshit, right?

Speaker 1 Like the fucking,

Speaker 1 I don't know. It doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 1 The franchise has those Minneapolis Lakers championships. But the people from L.A.
claim them, which is bullshit.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And when Laker fans go, ah, you know it's fucking long time ago bro i just go oh yeah well what if the lakers moved to vegas next year and then they won the championship and what would you do if everyone in this city of las vegas was going oh we got 17

Speaker 1 suck it bitches it's a complicated thing that moving around

Speaker 1 so anyways um

Speaker 1 I think we have the better coach, but I really just feel like with only three, four days to prepare,

Speaker 1 it helps the lesser team,

Speaker 1 and it helps the lesser coach. It brings down the better team with the better coach.
So,

Speaker 1 so, so, so. I'm going to,

Speaker 1 I'm going to do it.

Speaker 1 I don't give a fuck. And I don't give a shit about losing this bet.

Speaker 1 If it's fucking.

Speaker 1 You know, my team's going to win. Sorry, I'm half asleep.
I got an acting gig today out here in Los Angeles.

Speaker 1 A lot of stuff, you know, starting to shoot here in Los Angeles, you know, and seeing seeing the trucks around makes me feel good. So I got a couple days on this thing, and so I had to get up early.

Speaker 1 I've been working my fucking ass off. So, and

Speaker 1 I can't believe like

Speaker 1 the Phantom Lynn syndrome I've been having about baseball being over.

Speaker 1 You know, I watched a lot of Red Sox games this year, but like

Speaker 1 when the playoffs started.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I'm yawning here. It's too early.

Speaker 1 I fucking didn't watch any of the Red Sox Yankees. I didn't watch one second of it the same way I didn't watch any of the Celtics versus the fucking

Speaker 1 Dallas Mavericks in the NBA Finals. I just don't want my kids to see me that way.

Speaker 1 I got to start watching out in my car. You know, you can get your fucking windows tinted.
I should get like soundproof windows and just be like, what the fuck?

Speaker 3 There's a fucking strike.

Speaker 1 Like, I just don't want my kids to see that.

Speaker 1 I've really like gone out of my way to hide all of that

Speaker 1 fucking craziness from my upbringing. It's been working out.
They are two happy-go-lucky kids that express themselves.

Speaker 1 You know, they're loud. They're kids.

Speaker 1 They're not walking around on fucking eggshells.

Speaker 1 Like every kid. From my generation.

Speaker 1 Being fucking scared, shitless of your dad.

Speaker 1 A lot of

Speaker 1 pent-up fucking rage

Speaker 1 back in the day. So, anyway, how about the Boston Bruins? They keep winning too.
I've been so busy. I just keep checking the box scores.

Speaker 1 That's what I miss about getting the fucking paper, dude. You know, blowing by all that smart shit in the front section and just going right to the sports page.

Speaker 1 I remember like the early days

Speaker 1 of ESPN and all of that.

Speaker 1 They still didn't show like a ton of games. I mean, like ESPN, if you can believe it, like after they did Sports Center, they had like fucking workout shows for moms.

Speaker 1 There was a lot of this like aerobic shit and like, you know, they were sort of trying to fill up 24 hours of the channel. So there was still that.

Speaker 1 I still remember that period where you would be looking up box scores from like the late games out west and see like Dave Simenko fought, you know, whoever.

Speaker 1 And there was no fucking highlights of it, really.

Speaker 1 Now you just go on your goddamn phone. I will say I don't bring my phone down when I'm acting.

Speaker 1 When I'm pretending, when I'm an adult and I'm pretending to be somebody who I'm not, I never bring my phone down to set.

Speaker 1 And that's how you set it, down to to set, not down to the set. For some reason, you say set.

Speaker 1 He's on set.

Speaker 1 He's going down to.

Speaker 1 He didn't bring it to set.

Speaker 1 At first, I thought it was when I first heard it, I thought they were saying Seth.

Speaker 1 Like, who's Seth? Sounds like a producer.

Speaker 1 But anyway,

Speaker 1 I do still make sure I get in my duo lingo for the day. I'm up to like 413 or 414 days in a row.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 1 it's so funny. They try to get you to like compete

Speaker 1 with other people learning languages, you know, to get to these different levels. It's so dumb.

Speaker 1 You've moved up to the diamond level.

Speaker 1 Oh boy, what do I get? You know, I don't get it.

Speaker 1 So, of course, I was buying into it, and I'm just like, they're not making this fun. It was much more fun

Speaker 1 to just learn the language. And then, somewhere along the line, they added this competition fucking thing.
It's like the fucking food network.

Speaker 1 The food network is just a bunch of it. They used to teach you how to cook,

Speaker 1 how to blanch shit, how to fucking like Molto Mario

Speaker 1 was the best fucking show they ever had with Mario Batali.

Speaker 1 I still have some of his cookware.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's called the

Speaker 1 Me Too Molto.

Speaker 1 The Me Too Mario. I got a crock pot of his.

Speaker 1 Fucking

Speaker 1 Pea Soup Green.

Speaker 1 The big fucking M on top. That was like the best show.
He would have a couple of friends over.

Speaker 1 I don't know what he did after the show, but he would have a couple of friends over, and then he would just make them a meal. And he would talk about the part of Italy where it came from,

Speaker 1 you know, the different regions around that area, the way they make a similar dish,

Speaker 1 and claim that whatever dish he's making is not the proper way to make it, and all that. And you get into the whole, like, oh, this is why Italians are so great,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 at at making food. Like, the level that they give a shit about, it's weird.
I guess they were competing over there or just saying that, you know, you don't know how to do it the way we do it.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Those fucking shows give me, they just give me anxiety. There's never enough time, there's never the right ingredients.
They always have like these fucking bizarre ingredients, and then they just.

Speaker 1 Did I tell you guys

Speaker 1 when I was over in Italy this year,

Speaker 1 we were staying really close to the

Speaker 1 border of Switzerland. And I wasn't even thinking

Speaker 1 about Switzerland. And just at one point, I just sort of looked at the map to really see where I was in northern Italy.

Speaker 1 So I say to my wife, I say, you know, Switzerland's right there. We've never been there.

Speaker 1 Just to check it off, just to say we've been to Switzerland, let's just, you know, looks like it's a 20-minute drive. Let's just go

Speaker 1 to Switzerland.

Speaker 1 And she goes, all right, we'll have dinner one night. So we go to have dinner one night.

Speaker 1 We go to this, this, this fancy, fucking schmancy restaurants, which I fucking, I don't like fancy.

Speaker 1 I like good food. All right? I'm not going to say like I like to eat some garbage,

Speaker 1 but like,

Speaker 1 you know, those fancy restaurants, they fucking bring the thing out, and there's like a 20-minute, it's not 20 minutes, but there's a long,

Speaker 1 like, speech

Speaker 1 that somebody has to give, and they have to tell you about all of the food. So, I guess they think if you went to the restaurant, you're really into food.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 yeah, I'm just like, you know, dude, I'm like really hungry, and I want to eat what you have, and I trust that it's good. I don't need to know.

Speaker 1 I'm literally, I'm going to forget everything that you say the second you're done. Because all I'm doing is looking at it going like, I want to fucking eat that.

Speaker 1 Can you just please stop talking about it? It's getting cold.

Speaker 1 Stop describing what the fuck I'm going to eat.

Speaker 1 It'd be funny if McDonald's did that.

Speaker 1 Okay, this is a pig slime burger.

Speaker 3 Pink slime is

Speaker 1 the stuff off the slaughterhouse floor that we used to hose off the floor for decades. And then one day

Speaker 1 some absolute lunatic that had the title of CEO is like, why do we keep wasting that? Is there a way to feed that to fellow, not only fellow human beings, but our fellow countrymen?

Speaker 1 And we were like, hey, man, you know,

Speaker 1 if you want to take this fucking scum off the floor and feed it to men, women, and children, I mean, if that's what I got to do to keep my health insurance, I'll fucking do it.

Speaker 1 So that's what's in this burger. Enjoy.

Speaker 1 The French fries were fried in pigeon oil. Don't ask.
There's a lot of pigeons. You know, a lot of them die.

Speaker 1 They got oil in them. What are we going to waste it?

Speaker 1 Anyway.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so the Bruins keep fucking winning. I want to know what's going on.

Speaker 1 Every time I put it on, I see either Pasta's scoring or he's doing one of his, it looks like it's going to be Arista, and all of a sudden it's a pass to the other side, and somebody does a one-timer.

Speaker 1 Morgan Geeky, fucking top shelf, dude, leading the league in goals

Speaker 1 fucking incredible.

Speaker 1 But anyway, I forgot to say, you know, last week when I mentioned I was

Speaker 1 I had a gig up there in Vancouver.

Speaker 1 This is how amazing that city of Vancouver is, okay? Because I know I was telling you, I was staying downtown where all the junkies are

Speaker 1 on like Hastings, Hasty Hastings, that area, right?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 but we shot on this college campus

Speaker 1 that I want to say was south of the city.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 1 we pull up to where like all the trailers are, and it's right on the water.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 in the trees across from us are fucking bald eagles.

Speaker 1 And they were flying. Occasionally, one would fly out of the tree, go into the water, come out with the fish, and then just go back to the tree and eat it.

Speaker 3 This is in a city.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you this: unlike

Speaker 1 my leader right now,

Speaker 1 the guy giving Gingers a bad name,

Speaker 1 I actually like Canada. And I think it says a lot about you if you have a problem with Canada.
I really don't understand how you could have a problem

Speaker 1 with Canada.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, I mean, mean,

Speaker 1 as a white person, I don't understand how you could.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 there's always,

Speaker 3 there's always a loophole.

Speaker 1 As a white person, I don't understand

Speaker 1 how you could have a problem with Canada. I had such a fucking good time up there.
The people are friendly.

Speaker 1 And the cities are beautiful. Montreal, Ottawa, the major ones.
Toronto.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Winnipeg's a little, yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Calgary's decent.

Speaker 1 Then you got Edmonton.

Speaker 1 It's way the fuck up there.

Speaker 1 That's all I can say about Edmonton. It's just way the fuck up there.

Speaker 1 I haven't spent too much time. I've done gigs there, but I'm always like coming through and then I leave.

Speaker 1 I did go to a hockey game at Northland's Coliseum a long time ago. And then Vancouver is gorgeous.

Speaker 1 But anyway, I've been continuing on with my, I almost said grocery, with my Christmas shopping.

Speaker 1 My fucking Christmas shopping, dude.

Speaker 1 My goal.

Speaker 1 My goal, as mentioned numerous times, is I want to get it all done by the end of November.

Speaker 1 And have it like just, and just wrap each one of these fucking things

Speaker 1 so i can just enjoy december i don't know why i didn't do this back in the day when i was drinking well probably because i was drinking

Speaker 1 but you know if you really want to get after it you know let's just let's talk about the positive sides of alcohol if you really want to just get after it this year

Speaker 1 you get all of these fucking

Speaker 1 holiday parties coming up You know, but if you're so stressed, like, oh, God, I got to go get up in the morning. I got to go to the mall or whatever the fuck people do.

Speaker 1 I got to go on the internet and see if this shit isn't, air quotes, sold out. That fucking bullshit that you go on a website and they say it's sold out.
What do you mean sold out?

Speaker 1 I'm going directly to the manufacturer.

Speaker 1 You got a whole fucking factory of them. You're just saying this is sold out because the other shit isn't moving.
So now you think I'm going to come in here.

Speaker 1 You know, like when you go to those fancy restaurants, hey, can I get the fucking breakfast sandwich? Oh, we sold out.

Speaker 3 What do you mean you fucking sold out?

Speaker 1 It's eggs and bread, you asshole.

Speaker 3 You're running a fucking restaurant.

Speaker 1 It's 9:30 in the morning.

Speaker 3 How the fuck did you already run out of eggs and bread?

Speaker 3 At a restaurant?

Speaker 3 Get some fucking chickens, you cunt.

Speaker 3 I don't.

Speaker 3 Whatever.

Speaker 1 Sold out.

Speaker 1 Hey, look at this nice watch. Hey, can I buy that now? It's not for sale.

Speaker 1 Everybody's doing that

Speaker 1 Birkenbag shit.

Speaker 3 Now, Birkenbag is one of the dumbest fucking things

Speaker 1 in fashion.

Speaker 3 Okay?

Speaker 1 And they're not even good-looking bags. And for some reason, people just want them because they don't make them.

Speaker 3 Then it becomes exclusive.

Speaker 1 It's like the ultimate look what I got. Like, you know what it you know what a fucking Birkenbag is?

Speaker 3 It's the new iPhone for whores.

Speaker 1 You know, those tech nerds?

Speaker 1 Like, it's, they got to get the new phone.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to name this person, but I knew somebody. I still know somebody

Speaker 1 that was so into technology. They had to get the iPhone every time the first day it came out.
They had to get it.

Speaker 1 And then they had to like, they had to take it out when they were at the comedy club, you know, and just be scrolling on it, just to be scrolling on it for someone to be like, is that the iPhone 9?

Speaker 3 Oh my God, right?

Speaker 1 This dude one time, he wanted the new phone so bad.

Speaker 1 He was busy, had like an audition. He made his wife go down there and stand in line

Speaker 1 to get a fucking phone. I was like, dude.

Speaker 3 Why don't you just wait a week?

Speaker 1 In a week, there's not going to be a line. You can just walk in there like a goddamn person.

Speaker 1 He's like, I don't know, dude. I got to have it.
It's just, it's my fucking thing. Technology is just my thing.
And I was like, all right, you know what? Fair enough.

Speaker 1 Fair enough. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Like, what more do you need the phone to do? Like, how much clearer

Speaker 1 does the camera and and the video have to be? It's already clearer than real life. You can already alter,

Speaker 1 you know make it look like it's on film make it look like it's an old polaroid

Speaker 1 you know

Speaker 1 photoshop shit

Speaker 1 create something that didn't even happen what the fuck else do you need to do

Speaker 3 i don't know

Speaker 3 anyway

Speaker 1 so i gotta knock out a couple more things and i got the major shit You know, you always got to have like the big thing.

Speaker 1 Like, I don't have the big thing yet for my wife, and she's not helping me.

Speaker 1 I'm like,

Speaker 1 what do you want for Christmas? She's like,

Speaker 2 you know, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Which is great. That should make me happy.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 What are the odds of that? You have a woman in your life and she doesn't feel like she needs anything.

Speaker 1 That's pretty amazing.

Speaker 1 But you got like the pressure of the holiday. So it's like you got to tell me something.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 I don't need anything. Well, fucking just say you do, and I'll go buy it, and I'll give it to you.

Speaker 3 Anyway,

Speaker 1 let me do some of the reads here.

Speaker 2 Reads.

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Speaker 1 Explore an immersive, post-apocalyptic world scarred by conflict and reclaimed by nature. A living surface where weather, enemies, and shifting conditions heighten the constant threat of Ark.

Speaker 1 Communities are forced below ground to survive. Jesus, this is amazing.
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Something.

Speaker 1 Does anybody remember that? You know, when they talk about like 80s fashion, do they remember that for a while, like ski jackets,

Speaker 1 you had to have a ski jacket. Instead of a winter jacket, you had a ski jacket, like you were going skiing.
It was actually a

Speaker 1 fashion thing for a while. Man, that was a weird time.

Speaker 1 It was really a weird thing. Sweats by Eevee, ski jackets,

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Speaker 1 If you had a cowlick, you just couldn't do it. Okay,

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Speaker 1 Fucking Black Friday. It's coming up again.

Speaker 1 It's coming up again.

Speaker 1 Where you get to see where the economy is by how many people, how bad the economy is by how many people get trampled to death.

Speaker 3 Oh, God.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine that?

Speaker 1 What the fuck? Like.

Speaker 1 You're not allowed to yell fire in a crowded movie theater, but for some reason you can say, there's one PlayStation in this store that we're going to sell to you for eight bucks,

Speaker 1 and then have a bunch of people that are struggling financially line up outside,

Speaker 1 most addicted to salt and sugar. So

Speaker 1 they're fucking obese.

Speaker 1 It's just, it's one of the saddest things ever.

Speaker 1 You know, you'd think one year, just one year.

Speaker 1 One of these CEO cunts would just stand down there and be like, you know what?

Speaker 1 What are you looking for, sweetheart? Here, just take it. Just take.
I'm writing myself a fucking nine-figure bonus, and I didn't do shit this year other than lay off a bunch of people.

Speaker 1 You know, all these people standing in line now, ready to trample one another, ready to risk their own fucking lives for a goddamn PlayStation

Speaker 1 because their kid wants it,

Speaker 1 and I'm

Speaker 1 leveraging their unconditional love love for their kid while laying them off,

Speaker 3 creating this fucking

Speaker 1 tragedy that's about to happen.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't understand these fucking people. I don't understand people.
They just look at people as like these

Speaker 1 things.

Speaker 1 to manipulate and just fucking make money of.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you.

Speaker 1 Trump has the right idea with these fucking vans. He's just putting the wrong people in them.

Speaker 1 He should be just going around getting all the fucking CEOs. That's what he should be doing.
The sociopaths.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 there's nothing wrong with rounding up people as long as you're

Speaker 1 doing the right ones.

Speaker 1 And fortunately, I know who those people are.

Speaker 1 That's why nobody should have a fleet of vans

Speaker 1 and a crew of people that are willing to do anything that you say.

Speaker 1 Because everybody,

Speaker 1 in their heart of hearts,

Speaker 1 has a list of people that if they had access to a security

Speaker 1 service and vans,

Speaker 1 everybody has a list of people that they would put in the vans and everybody thinks that they're right. Why don't you guys send me in your list?

Speaker 1 Like what groups of people and it just has to be groups that I don't do any racist shit or anything like that All all right? Let's keep this fun instead of the reality of what's going on out there.

Speaker 3 Um,

Speaker 1 like your list of people that you would put in the van,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 1 if I was running Alligator Alcatraz,

Speaker 1 this is who I would put in there.

Speaker 3 Um,

Speaker 1 let's try to avoid the obvious,

Speaker 1 like what I was just saying: fucking heartless CEOs

Speaker 1 and the politicians they own.

Speaker 1 You know, it'd be funny as a comedian if you had like too many bad sets in too short a period of time.

Speaker 1 The van just pulls up and just takes you.

Speaker 1 You can't do this anymore.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 1 Those people are never going to get that 20 minutes back.

Speaker 1 You did it six times. in the last six in the last, well, you're allowed to bomb once a week.

Speaker 1 Be funny.

Speaker 2 And then, like,

Speaker 1 you know, the van's coming, like, you got to have a good set so the fucking pressure would be starting to eat at you.

Speaker 1 You start getting, like, the flop sweat.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 The fucking weird time we're living in. All right.
Anyway, that is the podcast. Oh, Billy Freckles is rooting for his Patriots, but I'm taking the Jets.
They're fucking laying 13 and a half.

Speaker 1 It's Thursday night football. This theory has been working for me, and I'm sticking with it.
All right, have a great weekend, you cunts.

Speaker 1 Be nice to each other. Don't give into this fucking,

Speaker 1 all of this craziness on the internet, around the world, and all of that shit. You can still, dude, you can still be a good fucking shit.

Speaker 3 Hey, it don't cost nothing. All right.
I'll talk to you.

Speaker 3 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, November 13th, 2017. What's going on? How are ya?

Speaker 3 What's going on? I am in New York City. Bump, bump, bump.
But it da da dot da dot.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's actually Hollywood. What the fuck am I thinking?

Speaker 3 It's not a New York song, right?

Speaker 3 That's Hollywood, right?

Speaker 3 That's a New York song. Start spreading the news.

Speaker 3 Right? I don't fucking know. I'm all over the map here.

Speaker 3 I'm winding down this trip. I just wrapped up my acting gig on front.
Runner.

Speaker 3 I want to thank everybody that allowed me to be on that movie. I had such a great time.
I met so many great people on that shoot.

Speaker 3 And the last night of the shoot, I actually got got to do a scene with the star of the movie, Hugh Jackman. And

Speaker 3 I can't even tell you how great that experience was.

Speaker 3 He might be one of the nicest guys I've ever met in my life.

Speaker 3 Totally. Big guy, too.
He's like 6'4 ⁇ or something.

Speaker 3 Big guy.

Speaker 3 Totally cool. Nicest fucking dude ever.
Then you start doing the scene, right?

Speaker 3 And his character in the scene was getting mad and like frustrated with us, dude, and he went into that Wolverine thing a little bit, I was just like, Jesus Christ, I would not fuck with this guy.

Speaker 3 Just an amazing,

Speaker 3 amazing actor.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 I was the coolest thing, like on the last night,

Speaker 3 we had like two things to shoot, like one quick thing in a car. And then the whole rest of the thing was

Speaker 3 us, you know, like me and two other actors and Hugh Jackman. And it was was just like,

Speaker 3 it was, yeah, we shot that the whole night. And it was one of those things where you're like, I wouldn't really care if we continued shooting this scene tomorrow.
I'm having so much fun.

Speaker 3 You know, I found out, I actually, I like to run when I act.

Speaker 3 This scene involved me running into, running before

Speaker 3 I delivered

Speaker 3 my lines or whatever. And I found that I really liked that.
I was just like, wow.

Speaker 3 No wonder I always liked William Shatner and T.J. Hooker.

Speaker 3 I know I've talked about this before, but if you ever watch TJ Hooker,

Speaker 3 I don't think in the history of television

Speaker 3 they ever made an actor run farther than they made William Shatner, who was well into his 50s by then.

Speaker 3 They would just have like this, the master shot of the scene. And I don't want to get all Hollywood here on you, but the master is just when you go to shoot the scene,

Speaker 3 it's a wide shot and you're capturing every character in it or you're establishing the place i you know the setting i have no idea i think that's what it is right they would just they would just be standing on the other side of a wharf a runway

Speaker 3 like william shatten he chased after planes

Speaker 3 and they would just start and he would come running around the corner and he would always be like like 70 yards away and they'd be playing this fucking music with the bongos in the background and you would watch him just full speed running a man in his 50s all right and this is like the 80s so no guys stretched

Speaker 3 unless you were on, like, you know, you had to be like in the Olympics. And even then, if you watch like the old NFL films, the way that they would stretch, you know what I mean?

Speaker 3 They weren't doing like any just sort of, you know, doing a forward bend, none of that yoga shit.

Speaker 3 It was like, touch your toes, touch your hips, touch your shoulders, do a jumping jack, come back down, or whatever the fuck they would do. Huh, two, three, four, that type of stuff.

Speaker 3 Running in cop shoes, full speed for a good 80 yards. There's actually a great YouTube video that I think I posted before of

Speaker 3 TJ Hooker running.

Speaker 3 So, anyways,

Speaker 3 I had the best time

Speaker 3 and

Speaker 3 did the perfect amount of time on the movie because right when it ended, I came right here to New York and then I'm going to go back and the rest of my year, other than like two road gigs, I am done and I'm going to get to spend this ridiculous amount of quality time with my wife and daughter.

Speaker 3 And I can't wait. I'm totally getting into the Christmas spirit this year.
Not Not to the point of sacrificing Thanksgiving.

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 3 I might even put up a couple of little, like, cut-out turkeys in my house. I hate how Thanksgiving just gets passed over.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Gets passed over like a, I don't know, like a person that should have got the job but didn't, right?

Speaker 3 But I'm totally getting into it, and I am, I'm still sober.

Speaker 3 Was it? It was 84 days on Thursday, so 85, 86, 87, 88,

Speaker 3 Eric Lindros, 88. Lynn Swan,

Speaker 3 right? Wasn't he 88? Yeah.

Speaker 3 88 days not boozing, and I think I'm going to go for the 100.

Speaker 3 I don't know. You know, I think I'll be, let's see, I'll be 91 on Thursday.
A week from Thursday, it'll be 98.

Speaker 3 And then it'll be Thanksgiving and what? I'm not going to have a little brandy in my eggnog there.

Speaker 3 I'm big with the brandy and the eggnog, you know.

Speaker 3 That's what I would have added to the great Opie and Anthony bit, the eggnog.

Speaker 3 Opie Anthony and Lil Jimmy, right? Do you think those guys will ever get back together? Do like a reunion tour? They should have like a one-off,

Speaker 3 you know, like a tour, you know, like the police got back together. They should do that with great radio shows.

Speaker 3 where everybody eventually, you know, just got sick of each other and went the other way, but the fans are still sitting there like, come on, man.

Speaker 3 Just do one more tour, man. They should all get together you know

Speaker 3 i think it'll have if guns and roses can get back together right

Speaker 3 um

Speaker 3 i don't know anyways

Speaker 3 plowing ahead here i'm totally gonna get into the holidays uh

Speaker 3 and i don't know i don't know about the drinking thing i think i'm done for a while

Speaker 3 Like I said, I want to go sting in my 50s. I'm turning 50 in June.
And

Speaker 3 I want to make sure,

Speaker 3 I don't know, that's a critical fucking decade,

Speaker 3 right?

Speaker 3 That's that one, I mean, you know, people like fucking die in their 50s. So I got a...

Speaker 3 You just, that's when people just start dying. I mean, people,

Speaker 3 God, I've already lost, like, I've lost count how many fucking. friends.
I actually have a list on my phone so I don't forget all the comics that I've known that have died.

Speaker 3 By the way, all men.

Speaker 3 All men. Out of the 25, they're all men.
So all these women out there like, you don't understand how difficult it is to be a woman. It's like, lady, I got 25 dead friends.
They're all guys.

Speaker 3 Okay?

Speaker 3 I don't know what the fuck is going on with us, but whatever you guys, there's something that you guys, something in your life is easier.

Speaker 3 I know in this age of feminism where it just has to be everything is so fucking much harder for a woman, there is one easy thing, one easier thing for a woman, and it really is the most important thing, and that is staying alive.

Speaker 3 Where the fuck is my phone?

Speaker 3 I got them all, like I got, and I'm probably going to forget a few people.

Speaker 3 All right, let's see here.

Speaker 3 These are all the fucking people

Speaker 3 that I knew that had gone here. All right.

Speaker 3 It all started with Mitch Hedberg in like March, I think, of 2005.

Speaker 3 Mitch Hedberg, Freddie Soto, Mitch Mulaney, Robert Schimmel, Bernie Mac, Dave Fitzgerald, Kevin Knox, Bob Seidel, Bob Lazarus, Rich Seisler,

Speaker 3 Otto from Otto and George, Greg Geraldo, Patrice O'Neill, Todd Lynn, Sam Brown, Charlie Murphy, Scott Kennedy, John Purnett, Richard Jenny, Mike

Speaker 3 DiStefano,

Speaker 3 Ralphie Mae, and Pete Cummin.

Speaker 3 Those are all the people that

Speaker 3 I knew really well or worked with as a comedian

Speaker 3 that have all died since 2005, except for Dave Fitzgerald. He died earlier.
He died in like 2001. He was a Boston comic.

Speaker 3 And I probably forgot a few people.

Speaker 3 You know, club owners, Manny Dwarman, Lucian Holt. And then I have, like, let's see, high school kids that I went to school with.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. All guys.

Speaker 3 fucking unbelievable

Speaker 3 you just don't understand sometimes what it's like to be

Speaker 3 I know I absolutely I'm sure it's fucking

Speaker 3 much more difficult in a lot of ways but I'll tell you the most important way staying alive

Speaker 3 let's not forget that

Speaker 3 Anyways, so I did the

Speaker 3 new Westside Comedy Club,

Speaker 3 and it was, just the perfect layout. And I also love, too, it's right around the corner from the Beacon Theater.

Speaker 3 So I've gotten to play there a couple of times.

Speaker 3 But what I also love is if I was a young comedian starting out, it's really like this motivational thing where you walk out and then you walk around the corner and there's the Beacon Theater and you can kind of be thinking, you know, someday maybe I'll be able to play that place.

Speaker 3 That's the type of shit that used to get me,

Speaker 3 used to get me motivated when I was starting out. Although I don't know about playing theaters.

Speaker 3 I think it was just seeing Caroline's Comedy Club because when I was starting out, like nobody played theaters. It was like Cosby played theaters, George Carlin, like you had to be like a legend.

Speaker 3 Joan Rivers,

Speaker 3 those people played like theaters.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 you know, for most comedians, when I started, I think it was

Speaker 3 the dream was to just sell out clubs. The dream was to sell out clubs and to get a sitcom built around your act.

Speaker 3 That was the dream.

Speaker 3 And then somewhere along the line, it switched. And a lot of people talk about,

Speaker 3 you know, social media and blah, blah, blah, and all that. I think the biggest thing that has created...

Speaker 3 One of the big things that people forget as far as how

Speaker 3 all of these comedians now

Speaker 3 are big enough of a draw to play theaters. I think one of the best things that happened for comedians that nobody brings up is Napster

Speaker 3 and online file sharing, air quote sharing of music, which was really stealing music that completely destroyed the music business and their ability to make stars.

Speaker 3 Remember Virgin Records? Remember you would go in there and they had that little CD listening thing and they had like the top 10 or the top 20 CDs, and there'd always be like a new band in there.

Speaker 3 It's like they were feeding,

Speaker 3 you know, bringing new people in. And once Napster came out, and then there was the Lime Wire, and all of that shit, and then iTunes and all of that, what happened was,

Speaker 3 oh, am I going to use this term?

Speaker 3 There was an arrested development of new, like when you look at like the amount of bands that broke through in like the last 10 years that were suddenly able to sell out arenas.

Speaker 3 It's like a handful of bands or people like Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars, was that 21 pilots. There's very few

Speaker 3 that got that big.

Speaker 3 At least not as much as

Speaker 3 they used to, I feel. I might be completely wrong on this, but if I'm not mistaken, there was like

Speaker 3 the MTV Music Award had like the five, the same five artists for a long time

Speaker 3 with a few new ones, but like

Speaker 3 Jay-Z, Kanye, and like, I don't know, I'm not so good with all the younger people stuff, but they stuck around forever at those music awards because there was not these new people coming in.

Speaker 3 Usually, for somebody to stick around at a music award for over 10 years, I feel like there was only a couple of bands that could do it, but they had to keep those people from 10 years previous because they all got knocked out.

Speaker 3 And then, I'm going to get to a point here. So everything became a quick little bullshit.
I don't want to pay for it online. And I think, and everybody who went online, either wanted to fucking

Speaker 3 watch someone do something incredible on a skateboard,

Speaker 3 some X-game shit, or you wanted to watch people fail and you wanted to laugh. And I feel like stand-up comedy fit into that.

Speaker 3 Set up punch, set up punch. It was quick.
They made you laugh. You fucking moved on.

Speaker 3 And then I think comedians slid into all of these theater gigs where all of these bands would have been playing. I'm not talking arenas, I just mean like theaters.

Speaker 3 I might be wrong on that one, but I think

Speaker 3 if you look at the graph, as the music business imploded, comedy went through the fucking roof. Then, also with technology, our

Speaker 3 comics could just keep putting out these specials. And then Netflix was another big thing, but everybody talks about that, but nobody seems, I don't know, I think the music business

Speaker 3 completely imploding also helped out stand-up. It created a void.

Speaker 3 I don't know. You like that? You like me discussing the ins and outs

Speaker 3 of ticket sales in stand-up comedy? So anyway, so I was working at the

Speaker 3 Westside Comedy Club. You got to go there.
Some old friends of mine opened the place up. That's why I did it.
I had the best time.

Speaker 3 And what was really cool is it was mostly, you know, podcast listeners. So I could say whatever the fuck I thought, essentially,

Speaker 3 in these times, you know what I mean? Everything that's going on. You know, I heard like those fucking

Speaker 3 people were going down to the comedy seller and then writing down what other comics were saying about Louis C.K. and all of that type of stuff.

Speaker 3 It's just so fucking, it's such a crazy time right now.

Speaker 3 And, you know,

Speaker 3 I don't know. I love Louis C.K.
And that was really, obviously, just a fucking hard thing to see happen to somebody. And he was definitely 100% wrong.
I'll just say this. He was 100% wrong.

Speaker 3 He did own up to it. And I think he will definitely be back.

Speaker 3 I will say that. And I also knew a couple of the women that he did this shit to and I just feel bad for everybody.
It's just fucking terrible. And

Speaker 3 I don't know. I don't know.

Speaker 3 I don't know what else you say about it. I feel like I'm in a divorce where you know both the mom and the dad.
You need to get to like pick a fucking side here.

Speaker 3 You know, I don't know.

Speaker 3 All I think that just this new thing, though, is like, like the level of witch hunt that happened when the Louis thing came out, like the amount of fucking people that they went after was just fucking,

Speaker 3 it was like six degrees of Louis' dick, you know, to the point that even the fucking Huffington Post was even trying to like,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 3 list.

Speaker 3 People, clients of the same manager that he had and stuff who, by the way, is one of the great people I've ever met in life.

Speaker 3 I stand by my fucking manager, and I'm never firing the guy. I've been with this guy since 2006.
Dave Becky's one of the great people that I've met in this business. I love that guy.

Speaker 3 I'd still have him over my house for fucking dinner. Watching everybody just, oh, I think I remember this happening 15 fucking years ago, and then watching everybody try to burn down this guy's life.

Speaker 3 It's just fucking ridiculous. People, this is America.
You remember due process?

Speaker 3 Like, the whole thing is just like, it's fucking insane.

Speaker 3 I wouldn't be surprised if they're going after Louis C.K.'s mailman, saying, if you deliver his mail, you're part of the problem.

Speaker 3 You know, and it doesn't seem to be like there's any sort of like, you know, in the judicial system

Speaker 3 where there's like if you steal a bike, you get this sentence. If you rob a bank, you get this.

Speaker 3 If you kill somebody, if you kill a whole bunch of people, all the way up to the death penalty, yeah, this kind of seems like it's become

Speaker 3 it doesn't make a difference if it's sexual misconduct all the way to sexual assault slash rape,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 3 you're getting the exact same

Speaker 3 like level of punishment.

Speaker 3 So that's only my question, okay, out of all of this, because he was definitely wrong. Obviously, I mean, these are all obvious shit that I'm saying, but

Speaker 3 does the punishment match the crime? Because, you know, sexual misconduct, when you talk talk of sexual misconduct, like,

Speaker 3 I don't know how many podcasts I would have to do to tell you all the stories of sexual misconduct with just women.

Speaker 3 As a stand-up comedian who used to go out after his shows,

Speaker 3 selling his posters and taking pictures with you. Just the fucking women.
Okay? And I'll tell you, it was never any of the young ones. It was

Speaker 3 always these middle-aged fucking women, couple glasses of red wine. Oh, God, and they come at you with their va-va-va-voom energy, and you'd be like, oh, no, here we go.

Speaker 3 You know, that's my advice, young male comics out there.

Speaker 3 Young female comics, there's plenty of information out there for you now about watching out for creepy guys. But I don't think there's anything out there for young male comics.
I will tell you this.

Speaker 3 Okay, if you're going to go out and meet a crowd afterwards, when middle-aged women, you can tell they've had too much wine beyond the fact that they're sort of teetering on their high-heel shoes with their old feet sticking out of them.

Speaker 3 Just look for the gray teeth. All right, and a little bit too much makeup.
And then, you know, they got the girls out a little bit. Just fucking watch yourself, okay? Because

Speaker 3 that's the old cheerleader who is not aging well and is freaking out that guys don't find her attractive anymore. And I'm telling you, they're going to come up to you.

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 3 cover your junk. That's all I'm gonna say.

Speaker 3 Dude, I had a woman lick my neck one time, and I'll tell you, worse than the touch of her tongue, her old ass, disgusting wine breath tongue on my fucking neck, worse than that was I felt her breath right before the eagle landed.

Speaker 3 I will, uh,

Speaker 3 oh, gee. Oh, and forget about gay guys.
Jesus Christ. I could do another half podcast on that one.
If we're just talking about sexual misconduct,

Speaker 3 I always wanted to rub your chest.

Speaker 3 The fuck did you just do?

Speaker 3 I remember one time. And this is the thing about a guy.
When it happens to a guy, it's just funny.

Speaker 3 Just for the simple fact that, you know, generally speaking, you can overpower whoever the fuck is coming at you.

Speaker 3 I'm not a little boy.

Speaker 3 So I get why nobody gives a shit when this happens to a guy. I get it.

Speaker 3 I remember I was dating this absolutely lovely woman, beautiful woman. She danced on Broadway.
She was such a sweetheart. I loved her to death.

Speaker 3 And I completely fucked it up because I was an angry young man. So I'm sorry to her, right?

Speaker 3 So she was dancing in this thing

Speaker 3 called Broadway Bears, which was like they used to do this thing to raise money. It was like a burlesque show.
So it wasn't like this creepy titty bar thing. It was just,

Speaker 3 you know, if you ever go to a burlesque show, which my wife took me to one to see that Dida Vontiste, I was just like, are you fucking kidding me?

Speaker 3 She's going to take me down here to go to go see, basically go to a rated PG-13 strip club? I have the coolest wife ever. And then I got down there and I think I was the only straight guy there.

Speaker 3 And it was like mostly

Speaker 3 gay guys, right?

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 that's what this Broadway Bears thing was. It wasn't like the creepy Hooters vibe.
So it's actually better if there's a bunch of gay dudes there.

Speaker 3 Because I always did that whole, I like Hooters, strip clubs, titty bars, and all that shit. It's just like, that's something that's like fascinating when you're like in your 20s, I think.

Speaker 3 And then somewhere, you know, if you're progressing, if you're maturing, at some point it just becomes gross. Or at the very least, like, this is fucking stupid.
You know,

Speaker 3 I want to go out and get laid. I'm going to sit here looking at naked women who aren't going to fuck me.
You know, this is stupid. While losing a ton of money paying for watered-down drinks.
What?

Speaker 3 No, I don't want to eat in here. You're in the sex industry.
Get away from me.

Speaker 3 I'm going to order some food, right? So I go down to this Broadway Bears thing, right?

Speaker 3 And,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 3 there's all these, there's fucking layers. There's all these smoking hot women doing their dances and stuff.
And then there's all these shredded dudes.

Speaker 3 So all the gay guys are going nuts about the dudes. And I'm looking at all these women going like, oh my God, right? Fucking dancer legs they were incredible right

Speaker 3 oh by the way they also were really talented

Speaker 3 right

Speaker 3 so the fucking show ends

Speaker 3 and I'm waiting for my girlfriend at the time to come out and this fucking out of nowhere this guy came up and just smacked me on the ass

Speaker 3 and it wasn't like like it was like if you were playing football it was good game but at that place it wasn't this guy wanted to fucking hook up me dude he hit me so hard like I almost fucking got got whiplash.

Speaker 3 And I fucking turned around. And I can't say what I said to the guy.

Speaker 3 But I made it clear to him that I wasn't gay. And I'll never forget, he just like put his hands up and was like backing away.
And I remember when he put his hands up, the dude had these fucking guns.

Speaker 3 And I was just like, you know,

Speaker 3 I don't know what this guy's thinking right now, but if he wanted to do something, I don't know if there's anything I could do about it.

Speaker 3 I'll never forget

Speaker 3 his big, hairy, gay arms just coming out. Oh, I'm sorry.
I just fucking.

Speaker 3 No, he didn't even talk like that. I'm doing like the hacky gay voice.
He had just like a regular dude voice. And

Speaker 3 oh, dude, I got a zillion of those. A fucking zillion of those fucking stories.
If we're talking sexual misconduct here. And

Speaker 3 you know what's funny? Is the reason I stopped going out after my shows wasn't all of those fucking

Speaker 3 witches of Eastwick drunk bitches coming up to me, doing God knows what, right? Just crossing all kinds of fucking lines. Like you're literally like you're a cartoon character.

Speaker 3 What made me finally stop was that time the guy went to take the camera out to take the picture of his girlfriend or wife and a loaded nine millimeter fell on the fucking ground.

Speaker 3 And it was right on the ground and I should have kicked it away, you know? All the episodes of Stasky and Hutch I watched, I didn't. I just froze.
I pointed at the gun and went, dude, what the fuck?

Speaker 3 And I let him bend down and pick it up. And I just stood there.

Speaker 3 I've never felt more white in my life.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? Just classic cul-de-sac, like, hey, Frank, I believe you dropped your pistol. Thanks, Bill.

Speaker 3 Blows my fucking brains out.

Speaker 3 Oh, you hear that? That's my alarm. I got up a little early.

Speaker 3 So, anyways, people, I think it's a great thing that all of this stuff is coming out because

Speaker 3 there's no way that women should have to be tolerating this. They've tolerated it way too long.
But can we stop short here of like

Speaker 3 them trying to literally destroy everybody around the fucking person

Speaker 3 over social media and no burden of proof whatsoever? These are like real people that you're going after, okay? You know?

Speaker 3 These people that are around these people that have done horrible things. They have wives.
They have kids. They have families.
They have mortgages.

Speaker 3 You know, and just to just fucking just willy-nilly, oh, somebody just said this on Twitter. It has to be true.
And just pile on and blow on the ashes and try to turn it into fucking fucking inferno

Speaker 3 is also not right.

Speaker 3 Okay?

Speaker 3 And I feel really bad for my manager and what the hell he's going through right now. I really do.

Speaker 3 And I'm not going to be one of these fucking people. And I hate how this whole fucking day and it don't say anything, man.
It's not worth it. Don't say things.

Speaker 3 So I'm just going to leave this guy who's been a friend to me for fucking 11 years,

Speaker 3 guided me through my career. My career went through the fucking stratosphere with this guy.
I'm just going to leave him twisting in the wind. Go fuck yourself.
Dave Becky's a great guy.

Speaker 3 Anyways, plowing ahead.

Speaker 3 What do we got here?

Speaker 3 Let's read a little bit of...

Speaker 3 No, you know what I missed?

Speaker 3 I missed the Formula One race, and it sounded like it was amazing.

Speaker 3 I don't know how Lewis Hamilton ended up

Speaker 3 starting in last place, but he worked his way all the way up to first, which I have never seen. Somebody must have crashed.

Speaker 3 Because, I don't know. The way Max Verstappen was running during the last race, once somebody gets out in front,

Speaker 3 you know, and they're driving through the clean air there. What a little thing I know about aerodynamics and racing, no one can ever catch them.
So

Speaker 3 they must have had a brilliant strategy, plus, like, slash somebody else. That was plush, plus, and slash.
Plash.

Speaker 3 Somebody's car must have broken down, or

Speaker 3 there must have been an accident or something. I have no idea, but

Speaker 3 can somebody, I know you guys have sent me this link before. Can somebody try and find or send me the link to where

Speaker 3 where I can re-watch the races?

Speaker 3 The replay of them? Because Brazil's a great one. Did you see fucking the Mercedes-Benz team got robbed at gunpoint? Lewis Hamilton wasn't there,

Speaker 3 but his quote was basic, this happens every time we come down here. How bad is that for tourism in Brazil? You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Every time we come down here, the Illuminati sport gets fucking robbed.

Speaker 3 Can we do something about security?

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 3 thank God, like, you know, if I was the president of Brazil, I actually wouldn't be too nervous because Brazil has arguably the most beautiful women in the world down there. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 And that will keep people coming, despite the fact that even the Mercedes-Benz Formula One team gets robbed at gunpoint.

Speaker 3 They weren't there on vacation. They came down there with the entire sport and somebody still finally got through.

Speaker 3 I guess when you got a pistol, you don't really need a laminate, do you? Can we see your credentials? Yeah, yeah, right here, buddy.

Speaker 3 Okay, Lewis Hamilton's over there and I believe he still has his diamond earring in.

Speaker 3 Have at it. All right, let's read.

Speaker 3 Let's read some advertising here for this week. All right, what are we up to here? All right, 35 minutes.
All right, so one of the other two reasons why I'm here in New York, okay? Three reasons.

Speaker 3 I did the Westside Comedy Club, bam.

Speaker 3 On Saturday night, I did

Speaker 3 Michael J. Fox's

Speaker 3 charity.

Speaker 3 The Fox Foundation. I did a benefit for them.
One of the coolest gigs I've ever got to do in my life.

Speaker 3 I show up, right? First of all, it's Michael J. Fox, right?

Speaker 3 I mean, that guy's comedic timing.

Speaker 3 You know, like when they say somebody has like perfect pitch when they go to to sing or whatever. I always felt like, you know,

Speaker 3 grew up watching him on family ties and, of course, all the Back to the Future movies.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 his timing was just like, was impeccable, right? And it makes it really, really easy. But just as a fan of comedy and everything, I always loved the guy.
So I realized I was going to get to meet him.

Speaker 3 And I show up to the gig. And I'm always nervous whenever I have to do a benefit because it's, you know, it's a benefit.
People are going to be in this, you know,

Speaker 3 they're going to be in a certain mindset

Speaker 3 where it's just like you know wow i'm really lucky that you know i'm healthy i have my family blah blah blah blah blah and other these other people are going through this really difficult thing there's a there's a sense of like guilt that you feel

Speaker 3 um

Speaker 3 just all of that type and just puts the crowd in a certain mood where then all of a sudden they go from laughing to everything that you say it's just like oh

Speaker 3 oh oh oh boo you know those are the sounds I usually hear at benefits. So I was, I'm always a little apprehensive.
And in my head, I'm sitting there going, like, all right,

Speaker 3 how can I navigate this situation? Because there's what I want to talk about, and then there's what I should talk about just to get through this, right?

Speaker 3 So I show up, and one of the first people I saw was Eugene Merman, who I hadn't seen in a while. And I was so relieved to see another comedian.
I was just like, oh, thank God.

Speaker 3 So we both were just sort of laughing, talking about how, all right, it's a benefit.

Speaker 3 How is this? What's going to happen? How is this one going to go down?

Speaker 3 Hopefully, this is going to be good. And as I was talking to him, I heard this amazing band playing in the background.
I was like, it sounded so good. I'm like, is that live? That's unreal.

Speaker 3 But we were back in the green room. I was like, I got to check them out.
Right as I went to go out,

Speaker 3 this

Speaker 3 guy comes walking by. He goes, hey, Bill Burr, how you doing? He's like, you know,

Speaker 3 I've seen your stuff, man. You're funny.
I said, oh, thanks a lot. I appreciate it.
I go, look at you. You're dressed all sharp.
I'm like, are you going up tonight?

Speaker 3 He goes, yeah. I go, what do you do? You're a comedian? He goes, nah, he goes, I play a little guitar.
You know, I love musicians. I'm like, holy shit, man.

Speaker 3 You're playing a band that's fucking great, right?

Speaker 3 Turned out that guy was Brad Paisley.

Speaker 3 I'm old. I don't know who the kids are, right? I have no fucking idea.
He went on in the end and was one of the greatest entertainers I've seen in a long fucking time.

Speaker 3 He goes, I play a little guitar, right? Shreds.

Speaker 3 Absolutely shreds on guitar. Amazing voice.

Speaker 3 I said to him after, because I felt like an asshole that I didn't know who he was, but I'm also, I'm old, you know, I mean, we're 50 next year, right? I love, and I'm loving turning 50.

Speaker 3 Now, this is when you start to have excuses. Ah, I'm 50.
I don't know things.

Speaker 3 I said to him, I said, you know what I love about you country guys? All you guys, you can play.

Speaker 3 You know, I'm not into all the country music, but they can fucking play and they can sing. And it reminds me of hair metal.

Speaker 3 as much as people trash me for listening to that those guys could play and they could sing they could they could do it live well do it live fuck it right

Speaker 3 so anyways I'm hearing all this band

Speaker 3 so I

Speaker 3 I go I gotta go check these guys out right after like the third song I heard so I go to walk out there

Speaker 3 to see the

Speaker 3 To see the band playing and I look there and I'm looking at the drummer. This is giant like, you know, banquet room.

Speaker 3 And I'm just looking at the drummer and I just fucking staring at him for like five seconds in disbelief. And I look at the woman next to me who was working for the foundation.

Speaker 3 I was like, is that Steve Jordan? She goes, yeah, he's like really good. I'm like, really good.
He's one of the greatest fucking drummers of all time.

Speaker 3 This is like a bucket list for me to ever see this guy play live. I can't believe, I couldn't believe it.
My jaw was on the ground. Like, you got to understand, like,

Speaker 3 I've been listening to Steve Jordan since, like,

Speaker 3 I guess when I first started watching Letterman,

Speaker 3 and I didn't even realize at that point that he played on those Blues Brothers albums, then I discovered those. I even bought the second Blues Brothers album, Made in America, and that nobody bought.

Speaker 3 I have all of that shit, all of his Keith Richards, expensive wino shit. I watched him with the Letterman band.

Speaker 3 I go on YouTube. There's a Fusion album that he put out.

Speaker 3 What the fuck was the name of that band?

Speaker 3 I can't find the album anywhere where he's really young

Speaker 3 playing on on that one way busier than he plays on a lot of other stuff right through all the John Mayer stuff and I was always thinking okay when John Mayer comes to town with his trio I'm definitely gonna go see that and I'll finally get to see Steve Jordan playing live you know switching out the snares and all of that that whole

Speaker 3 all that whole it's his whole thing that he does that it's just so incredible but every time John Mayer would come to LA I would always be on the road and I'd always miss it so I actually got to see him play and

Speaker 3 so anyways, I'm sitting there at the banquet thing

Speaker 3 and I meet Michael J. Fox and he's just like the nicest guy ever.
Him and his wife, just a couple of sweethearts, you know,

Speaker 3 just one of those amazing couples, too, you know, both good-looking people. And then they form when they get together, they form an even more amazing person, you know.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 I'm sitting there, and like, I'm literally nervous like I'm a brand new comic. Whenever I get to, whenever I do benefits, I get like that nervous because like I've had some that have not gone well.

Speaker 3 I've done some Christmas parties. The reason why I don't do Christmas parties, I don't do private gigs,

Speaker 3 you know, which are basically rich people

Speaker 3 or rich companies or something

Speaker 3 get together and they will literally hire anyone from like fucking U2

Speaker 3 all the way down to some no-name comic, like I was back when I used to do those fucking things. And you would go up there and nobody would know that there was a show.

Speaker 3 And you did, oh my last one, I did

Speaker 3 like they had me go up. It was in like a restaurant, and these people had rented out the restaurant, and everybody was eating and talking.

Speaker 3 And I went up there, and I was, no one was listening, and I got defensive.

Speaker 3 So, my already angry material back then was coming off even angrier, and people just literally stopped eating, were just sort of staring down at their plates.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 I tried every trick that I knew in the book to turn it around and I couldn't do it. And I just fucking bombed.
I ruined their dinner. I ruined their, at least that part of it.

Speaker 3 And I just walked out of there with my agent at the time.

Speaker 3 And God bless him. He had to listen to me, walk 12 blocks with him with absolutely, absolute Tourette's.

Speaker 3 Just going like, I am never fucking doing one of those fucking things again. Who the fuck brings somebody up when everybody's fucking eating?

Speaker 3 Like, I did that.

Speaker 3 I was going KC case him, and I was supposed to go in and talk about a fucking dog dying, right? I went into that mode, you know.

Speaker 3 But by the end, after 12 blocks, by the end of it, we were both laughing. And I was just like, should we give him that money back? You know, that was like, fuck, I feel bad.

Speaker 3 That's the real reason why I was flipping up. You know, I was embarrassed.
And then I also felt like I stole money. Cause I just wasn't the, I wasn't the guy for that gig.

Speaker 3 It should have been like somebody like

Speaker 3 who was happy with themselves.

Speaker 3 All right, so anyways, let's get on with the

Speaker 3 No, no, I'll finish telling the story. So anyways, fortunately, the great Dennis Leary was hosting this event, and he went up and immediately...

Speaker 3 turned it into a comedy show. You know, he was up there doing what he does, and he dropped, you know, a couple couple of F-bombs.

Speaker 3 And then with every joke he told, I got more and more and more and more relaxed. And I was like, all right, thank God.
And then

Speaker 3 I went up on stage and I just fucking went off

Speaker 3 and

Speaker 3 told all these, I just, I, I don't know. I...
I did all those stories, telling all those fucking stories of all the shit that women have done to me.

Speaker 3 And at first, people didn't want to laugh and then they just started laughing. Cause, you know, sexual misconduct, like I said, to a guy, and and I'm agreeing with this.
It's kind of funny.

Speaker 3 It's not right, but

Speaker 3 it's funny.

Speaker 3 And at first, they were like, what the fuck? And then they just sort of went with it. And then all the rest of my shit just flowed.

Speaker 3 And I ended up having one of my favorite sets I've had in such a long time.

Speaker 3 And then in the end, I got to watch

Speaker 3 this new great musician that I wasn't aware of, Brad Paisley, playing with Steve Jordan's band. band.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 then in the end, they brought Michael J. Fox out and they all played Johnny B.
Good. I mean, it was just, it was incredible.
I was just standing there, like going, how the fuck is this my life?

Speaker 3 It was amazing.

Speaker 3 And I just ended up having it. Just turned out it was also the New York Comedy Festival.
So all these guys were in town.

Speaker 3 I got to run into Brian Regan, who just played Carnegie Hall, hanging out with him. I just had like the best, I had the best fucking night.
And

Speaker 3 the great New York run here continues. Where tomorrow I'm going to be on Inside the NFL.
I don't know what I'm going to be talking about.

Speaker 3 God knows I haven't watched nearly as much NFL football as I would have liked this year. I just got so busy with the cartoon and my little acting gig there.
Oh, Bill, what do you think?

Speaker 3 You're an actor now? Every once in a while, I am.

Speaker 3 All right, my screen went dark here. Let's type in the fucking password.
The password.

Speaker 2 All right,

Speaker 3 let's read some of your questions here.

Speaker 3 All right, not enough women or gays at the seller table. Oh, boy, here we go.
Oh, Red Dick Billy. All the controversy and stand-up comedy.

Speaker 3 He goes, I was hoping to get your take on an article I came across on Facebook called Tear Down the Boys Club That Protected Louis C.K.

Speaker 3 That's that witch hunt thing that I'm saying. Like we had fucking meetings every week.
All right, what are we going to do here?

Speaker 3 You know? And how everybody else, the second that, evidently, everybody else on the other side, the second that Gawker

Speaker 3 article came out, you know, immediately took a criminal justice course and just became some gumshoe and went out and bought a giant magnifying glass and walked around looking for clues.

Speaker 3 All right, it's written by a gay comic who figures basically going after Louis wasn't enough, so he is trying to go after his peers also. Yeah, the witch hunt.

Speaker 3 The author cries about a certain table at the comedy cellar where elite comics like Chris Rock and Jerry Seinfeld sit.

Speaker 3 Like when the table came about, by the way, Jerry Seinfeld was still doing Seinfeld.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? I don't know if they actually had a place called the table.

Speaker 3 When I first started going to the comedy cellar, there wasn't a table. Comics just went upstairs and they sat all over the place.
And I am convinced that the reason why the table

Speaker 3 was

Speaker 3 started was because of Patrice.

Speaker 3 Because Patrice was so loud and so funny, and he was just all over the upstairs. They were trying to somehow contain him.

Speaker 3 He was like Jordan, you know, you're not going to stop him. Let's just see if we can contain him.

Speaker 3 So I think they just tried to get us all

Speaker 3 seated in one area so they could at least be like, okay, sit down and fold your fucking hands and listen to the teacher, right?

Speaker 3 That's how I remember. Anyway, so he goes, he also has never even tried to perform at the cellar himself.

Speaker 3 It's kind of like a fourth grader crying to the teacher because the cool kids won't hang out with him.

Speaker 3 The article implies that by not speaking up about it, the seller comics were somehow protecting Louie, even though they were just rumors until recently. Also, the owner of the seller.

Speaker 3 Where are we? Like, fucking scream at dark. Sorry.
Also, the owner of the cellar had some great things to say in the comments. Here's a link to the article and go, fuck yourself.
Yeah, I read it. And,

Speaker 3 you know, to be honest with you, considering this guy is also a fellow comedian, I feel bad that that was his perception. I feel bad that that was his perception of what the table was.
Because,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 3 the table was like,

Speaker 3 I don't even know how to explain it. Like, that was something like the level of pounding that you had to take.

Speaker 3 You had to go there and just basically get ripped to shreds.

Speaker 3 And then what everybody at the table wanted to do, and it wasn't even, it wasn't doing it to just be mean.

Speaker 3 It was just, I don't know, it was just this comedian thing.

Speaker 3 So you'd sit down and like you already would, you'd sit down with like whatever you were hung up about with yourself, and they would give another 40 things about you physically that you didn't even notice that you should also be self-conscious about.

Speaker 3 However, in the end, all they wanted you to do was come back at them and trash them back. And if you did, you were in, regardless.
All right? And there was some epic fucking

Speaker 3 back and forths at that table.

Speaker 3 You know, people definitely got mad sometimes. But

Speaker 3 the table wasn't like what a lot of people who didn't go to it think it was, like this big bullying

Speaker 3 thing. It was also this amazing thing where like

Speaker 3 I listened to Jewish people and Arab comics going at it, talking about the Middle East. I'd listened to Patrice and

Speaker 3 Manny Dorman,

Speaker 3 their debates. Colin Quinn was there.
And if I remember correctly, tough crowd came out of those conversations at the table.

Speaker 3 And if you watched tough crowd, it would be these comedians talking about these deep issues while trashing each other.

Speaker 3 And I always felt that the table was inclusive as long as you were willing.

Speaker 3 You had to fucking walk the gauntlet. You just had to fucking do it, and you had to survive it.

Speaker 3 And then, if you did, you actually became a better comedian because once you got in at the table,

Speaker 3 then there was this thing you couldn't not sit at the table. You'd come in and be, hey, Bill, come with.
They wanted you to sit at the table because they wanted you to trash you.

Speaker 3 And then they also wanted you to trash them back. But, you know, I wasn't even part of the elite crew.

Speaker 3 I wasn't funny enough. I just wasn't.

Speaker 3 Like, the, the, the,

Speaker 3 As far as this is just my

Speaker 3 perception of it, was

Speaker 3 the table was Patrice

Speaker 3 Norton Voss,

Speaker 3 Keith Robinson, Colin Quinn,

Speaker 3 and later on Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart, right?

Speaker 3 And even he was sort of like

Speaker 3 just like a rookie. But he also made it so fast that he didn't have time to fucking stay there.
So

Speaker 3 those were the, that was like the Mount Rushmore of the table. And when you showed up and they were all there

Speaker 3 and somebody had something on you, like that time, you know, I for 24 hours said I would do the stand-up on a bus on the weight of a World Series game to get a World Series ticket and I never even ended up doing the gig.

Speaker 3 I took a headlining set pounding that is still legendary. They told the fucking story on

Speaker 3 Opie and Anthony. I believe Kevin Hart and them all told the story, man.
I got fucking destroyed.

Speaker 3 Destroyed. So this guy, like, suggesting that it was all like everybody was like, there was this team of people.
It wasn't. It was fucking cannibalistic.

Speaker 3 All right. Everything that they said in OpenATI was 100% true, except for the fact that I did the gig, because I didn't do the gig.
I actually...

Speaker 3 Gave the gig to somebody else. And I, with the vow of silence, I said, I will never tell anybody that you did this gig, because I don't want you to go through what I just went through.

Speaker 3 I think the the guy who did the gig actually might have said that he was the one who did the gig all these years later, but I still, I'm not saying shit who it was.

Speaker 3 So, anyways, once you got in at the table, then you would go downstairs to go do your set. And one night, everybody at the table would be like, you know what? We're watching your set tonight.

Speaker 3 And you'd be like, oh, fuck. And you would go downstairs,

Speaker 3 you'd go on stage, and the crowd couldn't see all these fucking asshole comics. I remember they'd all be backlit, standing in the hallway, Patrice's big, dumb, stupid head.

Speaker 3 And you'd have to just go up there and like just commit to your jokes as they were all standing there, making faces of disgust,

Speaker 3 heckling, making noises. And one time I told the joke and it went good, and as I was telling the joke, I had the nerve to actually try to say something in a joke, and Patrice would just go,

Speaker 3 just do that fucking noise. And then they would all crack up laughing.
Then the crowd would laugh like, what the fuck, and get a sense of like, other comics are laughing at this guy.

Speaker 3 Should we be laughing at him and not respect him as a human being? And then you would just start bombing.

Speaker 3 And I'll never forget. I remember Kevin Hart went down stairs and he went up as a 20-year-old comic and survived it and was barely affected.
I mean, I know.

Speaker 3 And then looking at all the stuff that he's doing now, like. you really saw what he was made of.
It was a great thing. The seller table is not what this person perceived it to be.

Speaker 3 And I feel bad that that person, because having a fat gay guy comic there would have been great there would have been a whole other angle

Speaker 3 it was actually a really inclusive thing it's just a lot of people weren't tough enough to get through it and that's the truth and it took me like i said like a half dozen attempts because i was not a mentally strong person back then and um but if you see what came out of it Colin Quinn's tough crowd, that was one of the most inclusive shows of all time as far as like he gave

Speaker 3 almost like two and a a half generations of stand-up comics a TV credit, a lot of them their first TV credit.

Speaker 3 So, I don't know, and I'm not, somebody's going to sit down and watch Tough Crown be like, oh, it's mainly white males, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that fucking shit. So, I don't know.

Speaker 3 There's no way to win this type of stuff, but

Speaker 3 I can tell you that I don't agree with this person's perception of it, but I don't have any anger towards that person for writing that, if that's what they think it was.

Speaker 3 But it's a little melodramatic. Burn the table down.
like

Speaker 3 there's these meetings going on and we're all sitting there trying to hold back his

Speaker 3 his career or whatever i mean i don't i don't fucking all i remember as far as like trans comics i just remember there was i don't know what the proper term was but there was a guy who dressed like a woman who went on stage and went by the name she went by the name uh sharon needles

Speaker 3 And she used to go up at the Boston Comedy Club, and she was fucking hilarious. And the last time I looked her up, I believe she was still doing shows.
I think she just got out of the stand-up scene.

Speaker 3 But nobody, I don't, there's no comics

Speaker 3 going, oh, what the fuck is this fucking person doing here?

Speaker 3 Like,

Speaker 3 all comedy is, is if you're fucking funny, other comics are going to laugh and you get their respect and you're in.

Speaker 3 You know.

Speaker 3 Everybody has a different fucking road, but everybody's just sitting there going like just, I don't know what, what they're,

Speaker 3 It's everybody's looking out their own head and it becomes their experience is Fact and truth and anybody else's experience is bullshit or something like that So all I'm doing here is I'm telling my side of that's how I perceived it and

Speaker 3 I just remember for the longest time like we would

Speaker 3 I remember one night we we fucking

Speaker 3 We were outside the comedy cellar. We trashed each other for so fucking long and it was so goddamn funny.

Speaker 3 It was so late in the night that this woman in an apartment above the comedy cellar poured water down onto us to get us to shut the fuck up.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 going back, you know, like a lot of moments like that in life, I wish I could have...

Speaker 3 I wish I could have realized how amazing that was during that time. Because as far as I was concerned, the table, this table that this guy wants to burn down, that died,

Speaker 3 the table died when Manny died.

Speaker 3 Because, you know, he was the creator of it.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 he was one of the great conversationalists that I ever met.

Speaker 3 And he was so goddamn funny.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 what I loved about him is he wasn't a malicious guy. As much as, God, I used to fucking argue with that guy.
You know what I I mean? I was just, I was a young, angry man.

Speaker 3 And I used to argue with that guy. And he was always the next day, it was always over.
And I actually kind of learned from him. I learned from him and Bobby Kelly how to squash an argument.

Speaker 3 Where like how you'd be like the next day just, you know, because I didn't grow up in a family like that.

Speaker 3 It was just basically you didn't talk about it and then you didn't talk for three days and then fucking four days later you say, hey, you see the Celtics game last night? Yeah, it's a good game.

Speaker 3 And then everything was lingering.

Speaker 3 Those two people, I learned how to have a functional end to an argument. So,

Speaker 3 yeah, I don't know what that shit's about, but it's unfortunate that that person feels that way about it. But, you know, everybody's entitled to their opinion.
All right. Patrice, A.

Speaker 3 Billy Ray, no fun.

Speaker 3 After hearing you, along with so many other comics, Universary Laude Patrice, I finally watched Elephant in the Room special. Within minutes, he had me in stitches.

Speaker 3 It's so easy to see why he was so revered within the comedy community. I know you hold him both as a comedian and as a personal person in an incredibly high regard.

Speaker 3 I would love to hear some of your insight into him. I recently heard that he was permanently banned from performing at the stand in New York.
What was that about?

Speaker 3 No, he was never banned from the stand. The stand

Speaker 3 came out or opened right around when Patrice got sick.

Speaker 3 He wasn't banned from there. Anyways, really big fan of the show and would love to see you come to Australia again soon.

Speaker 3 Yeah, no, Patrice was getting banned from comedy clubs all the time.

Speaker 3 All the time, but he was so fucking good, they had to let him back in.

Speaker 3 It reminds me of when I read this Miles Davis book, and he was talking about Charlie Parker.

Speaker 3 And when he would party too much and pawn his horn, and these clubs would kick him out, they'd eventually have to fucking bring him back in because he was the best. And Patrice was the best.

Speaker 3 And, you know,

Speaker 3 as much as he would drive him nuts, you wanted him around.

Speaker 3 You wanted him around.

Speaker 3 It's just like

Speaker 3 the comedy dropped by 40%, even with all the other comics still going there, if he wasn't there. And just the fun.

Speaker 3 And then they also knew that if they banned him, that none of the comics were going to hang out at their clubs. We were all going to go to where he was.

Speaker 3 Yeah, so then they would let him back into the club

Speaker 3 And then they created the table. That's That's how I remember it.

Speaker 3 That's how I thought that they, let's we'll have them all, these fucking lunatics, just have them sit in the back at the goddamn table.

Speaker 3 So then we were sitting down and it just, you know, it was just a bunch of dogs in a fucking pit. And then that's how the trashing and the trashing was already happening.

Speaker 3 I remember one night.

Speaker 3 You know, after I took the pound and for fucking the bus gig that I never even did, I remember when Bobby first shaved his head.

Speaker 3 He came in. And I always respected him for this.
He came in, he had like a hat on, and he sat down right at the fuck.

Speaker 3 The fat gay guy comic here, listen to this story.

Speaker 3 He didn't shy away from the table. He fucking walked right in, sat down, took his hat off, and looked at everybody like, all right.

Speaker 3 Give it to me. Let's hear it.
And fucking everybody just, it was like a death jam bit. He took his hat off and everybody just, oh, everybody, what the fuck? He took this fucking pounding

Speaker 3 and everyone was getting him, and he was just sitting there taking it, laughing, and all that type of stuff. And I actually thought he looked good with the shaved head, right?

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 what's his face?

Speaker 3 Oh, who said it? I think it was Esti. Este finally got him with one.

Speaker 3 I think she said, you look like David Wells. I think that that's what she said.
And everybody fucking died laughing. And Bobby literally just stood up and just walked out.

Speaker 3 And I remember thinking like, you could, I didn't know you could do that. I didn't know you could walk out.

Speaker 3 I saw Keith Robinson do that one time too. We were trashing his clothes so fucking bad.

Speaker 3 It was, and he was trying to fight back and he was just feeling that wave was going to crash over him. He just fucking ran out the door, got in his car and drove home to Jersey.

Speaker 3 We kept texting him and calling him. Going, you can't do that.
You can't do that. He'd be like, oh yeah, well, I just did, stupid.

Speaker 3 He fucking hung up on us laughed and hung up on us

Speaker 3 oh my god I remember that fucking time Patrice

Speaker 3 you know somehow we found out he he he was home on a Saturday night he just took like a night off and

Speaker 3 Jim Norton fucking came and said you know where Patrice is right now he's at home on a Saturday night and they all called him up and on speakerphone Patrice just picks up he's like hello and Jim's like what the fuck are you doing home on a Saturday night you don't have any gigs and Patrice just fucking roared laughing and we all over speakerphone trashed him he was at home getting trashed at the table and I just remember him laughing he loved every fucking second of it it was it the table is one of the great things ever so you know don't listen to that guy all right I lied to my girlfriend

Speaker 3 All right, I lied to my girlfriend. Hey, Bill, I really could use some advice right now.
I'm an 18-year-old male, and I have been with this girl for seven months now.

Speaker 3 I really care about her, and she makes me truly happy. About a year ago, I used to smoke weed and do some drugs, other drugs, a lot.

Speaker 3 I used to smoke about three or four times a week, but I quit a little under a year ago. My girlfriend is really against drug use and has told me that she would leave me if I ever did it again.

Speaker 3 Well, a couple months ago, me and my girl, were kind of on a break, not because we don't want to be with each other, but because of some other shit going on in our lives.

Speaker 3 All right, that's pretty vague. While we were on this break, I smoked some weed with a buddy of mine.

Speaker 3 I really regret doing so because I know how

Speaker 3 this means a lot to her.

Speaker 3 She has later asked me, when was the last time I did any drugs? And I just lied and told her the last time was when I told her I quit.

Speaker 3 I can't stop thinking about this, and I feel really bad about lying to her, but I am afraid she's going to leave me or stop trusting me if I tell her now since I had already lied about it several times in the past.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 3 What do you do here? Just do what you want to do. All right.
If you can't live with it, I would tell her. If not, I mean, you fucking smoked.
You took a hit off a joint.

Speaker 3 If you're not going to, if you're really committed and you're not going to do it again, is it really worth putting you and her through this?

Speaker 3 It's kind of hard for me to give you advice here because I don't know what you broke up for. I mean, you did it while you were broken up.
It's not like you went out and you banged some other woman.

Speaker 3 You just went out and you just took a hit and you didn't fucking do it again.

Speaker 3 And, you know, that's it. But at the end of the day, you know something, if you come clean and she still breaks up with you over that, then you know what? Fuck her.

Speaker 3 If she can't accept you.

Speaker 3 It's not like you went out and you started using heroin and you stole all the money out of her fucking purse.

Speaker 3 She can't handle one hit of a joint and then you feel bad about it and you can't even lie to her about it without feeling terrible.

Speaker 3 And that you have to tell her, but you tell her that the reason why you didn't tell her is because you care about her and you didn't want to lose her.

Speaker 3 If she still leaves you after that, then she was going to find something, right?

Speaker 3 Okay, gym girl.

Speaker 3 You know something? I don't know if I have time to read all of these.

Speaker 3 I gotta fucking get out of here here.

Speaker 3 Okay, this is the worst thing ever. I'm gonna try to read this quickly.
I already read bad when I'm reading at a normal pace here. Hey, Billy Cueball.

Speaker 3 A couple months back, I started going to another gym, a town over for a change of scenery. After a couple weeks, I run into this tall, athletic girl.

Speaker 3 She didn't talk to anyone and had that, I'm not trying to talk to anyone, look going on. Because of this, me and virtually,

Speaker 3 because of, what, because of this, and me virtually never cold approaching a girl before, I left her alone. Over the next few weeks, I noticed she would be in my area a lot.

Speaker 3 And when moving between exercises, we would cross paths a lot.

Speaker 3 Sounds like you're doing that fucking, whatever that workout is, CrossFit. Well, you got to run down the street, you know? Look at us, everybody.
We're working out. Hey, look at us.

Speaker 3 You know, leaving your gym and running around a fucking 7-Eleven parking lot and coming back. We get it.
You're working out. Jesus Christ.
All right.

Speaker 3 Over the next few weeks, I noticed she would be in my area a lot. And when, all right, I already said that.
Okay.

Speaker 3 We crossed paths. All right.
So

Speaker 3 I said fuck it and started talking to her. We had a couple of good convos and I eventually got her number.
Look at you, you're in the game.

Speaker 3 We didn't text much, which is fine because I've learned that texting should be mainly for planning meetups.

Speaker 3 I still tried a couple of text convos for some rapport since I'd only seen her one to three times a week, sometimes just in passing.

Speaker 3 Now the issue is, every time I've messaged her, she randomly stops messaging.

Speaker 3 Probably because you're bugging her at that point. No matter how good the conversation was going, or she's busy.

Speaker 3 I didn't see her for a week before I left for vacation for another two weeks and no contact. It's been a week since I've been back and I haven't seen her in the gym.
Was marginally interested?

Speaker 3 Was she marginally interested or did I not come on strong enough? Should I text her again or just move on and wait till I see her again? Well, if you're still into her, just text us.

Speaker 3 Just say, hey, I haven't seen you at the gym. And what's the harm in that?

Speaker 3 You know?

Speaker 3 in this day and age you know make sure there's a lawyer there when you do it

Speaker 3 because who knows with the uh

Speaker 3 the the what the next fucking thing is gonna be um

Speaker 3 yeah I would just I would text her and just say hey you know I'm back you know would you like to go out sometime gives a fuck

Speaker 3 Fuck her in her cold fucking vibe. Just say what you want to do.
Either she wants to do it, go do it. If she doesn't, move on.
That's it. Easy one.
All right, but I wouldn't question yourself.

Speaker 3 You know, fuck all that. Don't be in your head.

Speaker 3 Don't be like Jon Favreau in swingers. You know, that's what I always think.
Just never get into that fucking mode.

Speaker 3 Just, you know, it's normal to be nervous, both men and women, when you're dating or whatever. Men and men, women and women, everybody included.

Speaker 3 Whenever you get into that, I would say don't ever send a text when you're in that mode. I would sit down, relax, and just think, what do I want? I want to go on a date with this person.

Speaker 3 Well, that's what you ask them.

Speaker 3 I would love to take you out sometime. I haven't seen you a minute.
I'd love to take you out sometime. Right?

Speaker 3 That's it. What's she going to say? How dare you fucking ask me out? She's either going to say yes or no.
Okay? And if she says no, who gives a fuck? You don't have any regret. You asked.

Speaker 3 But if you don't ask, then you got to be like, oh, what happened?

Speaker 3 All right, foursome gone wrong. This is the last one, and I'm done.
I recently visited my friend at his big time college for his

Speaker 3 school rivalry weekend.

Speaker 3 I'm going big time. That's what they said when I went to Notre Dame versus

Speaker 3 USC. And they were like, big time college football.

Speaker 3 Speaking of a

Speaker 3 Notre Dame got a big time ass kicking against Miami. Holy shit, the convicts kicking the shit out of the fucking...
I like how they're still called the Catholics and not the pedophiles.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? I mean, not everybody at the University of Miami,

Speaker 3 you know, has gone to jail or been arrested. Okay?

Speaker 3 But if you're going to call them convicts, then I mean, goddamn it, we got to go pedophile with Notre Dame, right?

Speaker 3 It was a great time, and his school was one, his school won, and at the last second,

Speaker 3 and at the last second. So the atmosphere was crazy.
Later that night, I attended a party at the fraternity he is a member of.

Speaker 3 Anyways,

Speaker 3 we meet these two girls and decide to tell them we were actually real, real-life brothers. And we somehow tricked/slash convinced these girls into having a forsom.

Speaker 3 How do you tell them that you're related and that they want to do it?

Speaker 3 Tricked is a very dangerous word to use right now, buddy.

Speaker 3 All right, we all go into this room.

Speaker 3 What do you mean, trick? What do you do? Did you do the old quarter? Hey, you're gonna make a quarter disappear. Hey, where's the quarter? Is it behind behind your ear? Here's my dick.

Speaker 3 We all go into his room and start hooking up. And since he had a large bed, we had girls on it and we're banging them side by side, doggy style.

Speaker 3 After what seemed like a while, but was probably six minutes, I unfortunately released my champagne of victory.

Speaker 3 So now it's my buddy and both the girls in the bed, and I'm just in the corner of the room. I really wanted to get back in there.

Speaker 3 But I knew it would take a little bit of time to get back up. So I decided to look for something to use to start jerking off.
Oh God.

Speaker 3 I found out what turned out to be my buddy's contact solution and applied it and started tugging.

Speaker 3 After a few minutes of Olympic tugging, I started to feel movement and thought I'd be back in the game soon.

Speaker 3 You're like an injured player that went out for a play.

Speaker 3 At that moment, my buddy and the two chicks who he was nailing turn around and face me and catch me jerking off.

Speaker 3 From their perspective, they think i'm jerking off to them oh no when in reality i'm jerking it so i can bang the second girl one girl sort of freaks out

Speaker 3 i love that she freaks out after fucking thinking that she's having a fucking forsom with two brothers

Speaker 3 one girl sort of freaks out and my buddy screams what the hell are you doing

Speaker 3 At that point, I didn't know what to say, so I ran out of the room naked and just stood outside the door until they finished. Eventually, the girls left and

Speaker 3 my buddy let me back into the room where he proceeded to ask why I was jerking off to him.

Speaker 3 Oh no.

Speaker 3 He goes, I tried to plead my case and

Speaker 3 give a rational explanation, but he's continuing to be persistent that I was jerking off to him. And now he's being extremely distant from me

Speaker 3 and has told all of our friends who have constantly been berating me for jerking off while my buddy banged two chicks. Do you have any advice on how I can somehow spin this story?

Speaker 3 I mean, at the end of the day, I did get laid too.

Speaker 3 All right, here's what's hilarious about all that, that the woman gets offended. Like, what are you doing? It's like, what are you doing?

Speaker 3 You're having like a fucking forsom with two people that you think are related.

Speaker 3 And secondly, I don't know how guys do that. I don't know how you could bang a woman with your buddy next to you also banging.
You know what I mean? Like,

Speaker 3 how do you block out the sound of your friend like

Speaker 3 right next to you? I mean, do you look at each other at any point? point and like how do you not start fucking laughing I don't I've never understood that

Speaker 3 yeah you probably should have gone into the bathroom

Speaker 3 you probably shouldn't have been looking at them I mean dude what you have here is a fucking hilarious story

Speaker 3 and I you know in the spirit of the table

Speaker 3 all right When your friends are giving you shit, I would just laugh. You just have to learn to laugh at yourself and just be like, I swear to God, I was trying to get back in the fucking game.

Speaker 3 Just tell the story the way you just told it to me and think that it's fucking hilarious that this dude thinks you were jerking off to him. I would just laugh it off,

Speaker 3 which is how you get out of most shit. You know?

Speaker 3 That's how Donald Trump became president.

Speaker 3 He just that's probably a bad guy to bring up.

Speaker 3 He's out there grabbing pussies.

Speaker 3 They'd be like, you said all this shit about women. No, I didn't.
I said it about Rosie O'Donnell. Nah, well, you said it about other women, too.
And he's like, yeah, you're probably right.

Speaker 3 It ends it. It's when you keep fighting it.
I would just fucking laugh it off. I know it's tough at your age, but listen, dude, if you have it in you to fucking fuck a woman right next to your friend,

Speaker 3 if you have the focus to do that, I think you can get through this.

Speaker 3 But dude, you got one hell of a goddamn story. That's a great story.

Speaker 3 So anyways, all right, that's it. I have to get on with my day here.
Thanks to everybody

Speaker 3 who's listening to the podcast. Thanks to the Fox Foundation, the Westside Comedy Club.

Speaker 3 Please go out to the Comedy Club. And thanks to everybody on Front Runner.

Speaker 3 that let me have a quick little part in that thing. I had such a great time.
Oh, and by the way, guess what's out? Daddy's home part two. I was in part one.
You got it.

Speaker 3 Part two, I heard, is even better. Joe Bardnick, Rose Bowl Tailgate legend, told me he went to go go see that.
He said, dude, I fucking laughed out loud like 25 times.

Speaker 3 Comedians don't laugh out loud ever. It's one of the fucking,

Speaker 3 I don't know. It's one of the prices you pay as a comedian.
You stop laughing. You just start going, oh, that was funny.
But you never laugh. You never laugh again.
So definitely go check that out.

Speaker 3 And who knows? Who knows? Maybe you'll see a familiar face in there.

Speaker 3 All right. Go fuck yourselves.
I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Speaker 8 What's up, everybody? And welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show, NFL Edition for week number 11.

Speaker 8 Guys,

Speaker 8 I mean, anyway, let's just get into the show here. I'm Paul Verzee.
That's Bill Burr. We have Jake the Snake, our injury report guy, as always.

Speaker 8 And of course, Andrew Semliss, the Greek freak out there in Beverly Hills.

Speaker 8 Dude, another week of,

Speaker 3 I mean, Bill, first of all, Bill Burr, everybody.

Speaker 8 I mean, he gives credit where credit's due. I give credit where credit's due.
Six weeks in a row, this man, I think, has gone, his worst in the last six weeks was two and two once.

Speaker 8 Now he is above 500, another three and one

Speaker 8 week, where yours truly, another one in three week because Miami Dolphins decided to save their coach's job. I mean, what the fuck happened, dude?

Speaker 3 What happened?

Speaker 8 I mean, dude, dude, a chimpanzee, a chimpanzee could throw darts at a board and pick better than me right now.

Speaker 2 Dude, the only reason why I took the Dolphins, because everybody said the Bills. And I just, there's something about the Dolphins.

Speaker 2 They're good for one of those a year. One of those a year.
They used to beat the Patriots. Every time we go down there, even during the Belichick Brady years, I said this last week.

Speaker 2 So that's the only reason why I took them. I didn't know anything.

Speaker 2 I was just guessing, Paul.

Speaker 8 Dude, I feel like the Giants coach Dable that just got fired, where every week I'm going, got to get better. I just got to get better.
I got to

Speaker 3 figure this out.

Speaker 2 Look, all we can do is learn from what we haven't been doing right and, you know, just try to get better.

Speaker 8 Is there anything funnier than a coach on the hot seat knowing his job is on the line, just looking at reporters, just going like, yeah, got to get better. Look at tape.
We're going to look at film.

Speaker 3 We're going to look at film.

Speaker 8 His mind, he's like, I'm not going to be looking at film now.

Speaker 2 Little things become big things at the end of the game. We just do the little things.
Everybody does their job. But, you know,

Speaker 2 I did see some good things today. I saw some good things.

Speaker 8 The Giants fired their coach, of course. Everybody knows.
And look, I got to be honest with you. You want to say a dude I called it?

Speaker 8 I'm in a group text with a couple of buddies and they all go, dude, you caught. I watched the game.
The Giants had another double-digit lead in the fourth quarter with under five minutes.

Speaker 8 And I literally looked at my buddy and I go, if they lose this game, he is not going to see tomorrow as the Giants head coach because it's too many times.

Speaker 8 And sure enough, it was just like another blown lead late in the fourth. And, but you know when I knew he was done, Bill?

Speaker 8 You know when I knew he was done when he got fined the 100,000 for like going in the tent? The desperation of him going in the tent when Jackson Dart was there. He's going, is he ready?

Speaker 8 Is he coming out? Is he? And he like poked his head in and they go like, dude, you can't do that. Like he was so desperate for his job that he's like, it's fourth down.

Speaker 8 The head coach can't go in the the concussion tent well he can't no like he went like he was like panicking because it was coming up on fourth down and dude he ran over there poked his head in he looked so desperate and nuts that it was just like all right you know what is nuts remember how weird the tent was that they went in there and no one could see like what the fuck are they doing in there now it's just normal yeah that is weird like what are they doing in there

Speaker 8 Well, when I think with the concussion, you know, the nerdy guy in the suit goes in and they look at, you know, they just, I guess, look and see, but

Speaker 2 they don't want the crowd to know that the guy got a concussion and because now the crowd knows about the CTE and the awful

Speaker 2 quality of life these players, most of them end up with that the owners only gave them 700 bucks each for their service.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Dude, think about the night.

Speaker 2 You know what, Paul, it's a metaphor, the concussion, the concussion tent. There's one in every business.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 that'd be funny that'd be funny if there was just a literal tent

Speaker 8 a corporate guy loses a ton of money on the stock market he's like how they bring him in

Speaker 2 oh he gets busted for insider trading and then the piece of shit that paid him sticking his head in is he ready can he come back out is he still suspended

Speaker 2 Is he taking the fall? He didn't say my name, did he?

Speaker 3 A tent falled over his cubicle.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you hit on the chick in a bar and you just get shot down too many times, and they just fucking put tent over.

Speaker 2 Dude, I don't know what's going on with you. How do you open with the line like that? You know, it's okay if you're gay.

Speaker 2 Like, I don't know what's going on here, but like, I've never seen like this is shooting fish in a barrel. These, these women are desperate.

Speaker 8 His buddy that needed a wingman because he thought he was going to get late, poking his head in the tent. Is he all right? Is he coming out?

Speaker 2 How many women do you see? How many women do you see over there in the corner?

Speaker 2 Three, three? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Come on, I want to get another drink. I'm going to get another drink.

Speaker 2 You're either drinking kamikazes or you're hitting on women. You can't do both.

Speaker 2 You're scaring people.

Speaker 8 It's great. All right, guys, before we get into our week 11 picks,

Speaker 8 before we get into our week 11 picks, we've got to shout out our sponsor. It's Bet MGM, guys.
You know who it is. Bet MGM, the best book, the best lines out there.

Speaker 8 And if you want to join Bet MGM and be a part of the Anything Better podcast here with our picks, all you got to do is get your device here and you download the BetMGM app and you use our code.

Speaker 8 Our code is Burr, B-U-R-R. It's very simple.
All you got to do is put as little as $10 in the account and make your first bet. If you lose that bet,

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They have great bets for you guys to do.

Speaker 8 And then we have the first touchdown promotion, which is you pick any NFL player of any NFL game to get a touchdown. And in the first touchdown, I'm sorry, the first touchdown of that game.

Speaker 8 If they do, you win your money. If they don't, but in fact, get the second touchdown in that NFL game, you will get your cash back.
It's that simple, guys. Have a good time.
Bet responsibly. And

Speaker 8 what could I say? I'm going on week 11 here and I'm losing. So

Speaker 8 we'll go with Bill right now because Bill is above 500. And

Speaker 8 before that, guys, before we do this pick, we got to bring in our, you know who we love to bring in.

Speaker 2 His name is Jake the snake he is our uh update guy he is our injury guy oh there he on his blog he writes every week about the previous week it's my favorite text message i get of the week he's oh thank you though he does his homework he gives us a little report we missed you last and he's a playboy at night but during the day when he watches the games this man sees things that other people miss what do you got jake

Speaker 2 It's real quick, it's funny because you guys talking about the tent for the for the picking up chicks at the bar.

Speaker 2 there's all kinds of videos of like people doing something similar where they're like call they'll have uh they'll uh call to the bullpen or they'll like have a headset on and they'll like call and they'll be like what kind of play is that no get them out of there get them out of there so that was a fun idea

Speaker 2 i do miss that being single striking out with chicks was fucking once you found the humor in it dude it was fucking hilarious

Speaker 2 um all right so what do you got um

Speaker 2 people coming back people going away what's going on?

Speaker 3 Yeah, so it's most, I'll provide just some updates with the quarterbacks.

Speaker 2 C.J. Stroud missed last week with the concussion.
It looks like he'll be back for this week's game against the Titans.

Speaker 2 We talked about the Giants a little bit, or you guys were talking about the Giants a little bit. Jackson Dart's probably going to be out this week against the Packers.

Speaker 2 This is the fourth time he's been evaluated for a concussion this year, so they really want to. probably take it easy on him.

Speaker 2 I sent it to the chat, but Jameis Winston is going to start this week over Russell Wilson. They seem to be really done with him over there.

Speaker 2 Tyler Murray is going to be out for a while. They placed him on IR, so that's going to be at least four weeks

Speaker 2 with a foot injury. But Jacoby Brissette, the old Patriots backup is looking good out there.
He's going to keep starting for the Cardinals.

Speaker 3 Brock Purdy, though, is expected to come back.

Speaker 2 He has the turf toe injury.

Speaker 2 So this is going to be the first week he'll be back.

Speaker 2 So that's exciting for Niners fans. And then we got a positive Joe Burrow update.
He won't be back this week, but he's finally practicing, and he'll be back by Thanksgiving.

Speaker 2 I thought he was going to come back this week. That's awesome, though.
I love that. Yeah, so we got some guys back.

Speaker 2 And then, yeah, we can kind of keep going as you guys make your picks for sure if you have any questions. But yeah, those are kind of the big ones.

Speaker 8 You know what? ESPN has Adam Schefter and anything better has Jake the fucking snake.

Speaker 2 Okay, that's as good of a report as you're going to get.

Speaker 8 Bill, it is week 11. It is an odd week, which means you, my friend, are on the clock.

Speaker 1 Well, you know what, Paul, I'm an odd guy.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, I've been fucking running my yap about my Thursday night theory

Speaker 2 about

Speaker 2 division rival Thursday night game. If the dog is getting more than

Speaker 2 five and a half points, take the dog.

Speaker 2 And wouldn't you know it this week, my New England Patriots are favored by 13, Paul, against the same division New York Jets who got their first, their second win last week against the Browns.

Speaker 2 It's the only game I lost last week. And I got to stick with it.
I got to dance with what Brung me the last couple of weeks. I'm going to take the Jets getting 13 points on Thursday night.

Speaker 2 I just think, you know, simple game plans, Paul. Simple Grable's a better coach, but only four days to prepare.

Speaker 2 I just think, yeah, 13 is a ton of fucking points. And

Speaker 2 I'm going to take the Jets.

Speaker 2 Well, you took my...

Speaker 8 no getting 13 sorry you took my first pick and uh i love the pick um because i was gonna take it

Speaker 2 look i don't i don't

Speaker 2 tear up the tickets

Speaker 3 he took the fucking horse um

Speaker 8 dude look

Speaker 8 i don't know what's gotten into the dolphins the dolphins are they're bad, but they, I mean, how do they beat the Bills coming off the Bills bye week, right?

Speaker 2 I got a theory. I got a theory.

Speaker 8 Please.

Speaker 2 Because what happens is, is when they know the coach is gone, that's sort of a foregone conclusion. Then all of a sudden the players start worrying that they're gone.

Speaker 2 So after they quit from the coach, on the coach, then there's this like, well, I don't want to get, I don't want to get axed too.

Speaker 2 I don't want to be part when somebody comes in and cleans the house. So once they get rid of their coach, then they start fucking playing again.

Speaker 2 Well, look. Although he's still there.
So that was a stupid thing. I should just shut up as usual.

Speaker 1 Sorry. Go ahead.

Speaker 8 Listen, the Dolphins beat the Bills. They have a low line in their home.
Jaden Daniels is out.

Speaker 3 What's that?

Speaker 2 They're in Spain, but yeah.

Speaker 3 Oh, they're in Spain. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why would you do that to Spain? Why would you send these two fucking awful teams?

Speaker 2 I mean, are they trying to go global or are we trying to start another war?

Speaker 8 When this game got an end.

Speaker 2 You got the Lions playing the Eagles. Send that to Spain if you want to fucking get people.
You don't send them the fucking Cowboys Raiders game or the Commanders Dolphins.

Speaker 8 They should put the blue tent over Spain.

Speaker 8 You're like, no, no, no. We got another.
Get another team in here. Get two other teams in here.

Speaker 2 We need to go over and be like, this isn't what it usually looks like.

Speaker 8 I'm going to take the Miami Dolphins to try to save this guy's job. I don't know if it's savable, but you know what? The Commanders are just in bad shape.

Speaker 8 The Dolphins got to be feeling good in the facility this week after beating the Bills, and

Speaker 8 it's under a field goal. I think both teams are bad, but I think now

Speaker 8 the Dolphins have the better quarterback

Speaker 8 in this matchup.

Speaker 8 It's still Tua, right?

Speaker 2 It's still Tua. Yep, still Tua.

Speaker 8 I I know this is just nuts, but I like the line under three, and I think both teams are bad. But I'm going to go with the team that's, I guess, feeling a little better than the other one this week.

Speaker 8 So I got the Miami Dolphins.

Speaker 2 All right. Seahawks won big last week.
They're coming down to Los Angeles to play the Rams. I just think the Rams always seem to have their number down there.
I'm taking the Rams minus three.

Speaker 2 Going with the favorite Paulie, you know,

Speaker 2 little red, little black on the roulette wheel. What do I care? I'm over here wearing a fucking cheap suit.

Speaker 8 I mean, who are you?

Speaker 2 Wearing a fucking mom

Speaker 2 matching sweatpant fucking outfit here.

Speaker 2 That'll be one of my picks, too.

Speaker 2 Jesus, Paul, you are fucking in between your ears. You didn't say one fucking thing.
You're just fucking looking down in your paper.

Speaker 2 You look like you're taking your SATs and you know you're not going to college, but you got to fill in a few more before the lady goes, all right, that's it. Paul, it's it.
It's over.

Speaker 8 Because you know what, my, Bill, you remember that, remember that video we saw of the guy watching horses?

Speaker 3 Come on, come on, come on.

Speaker 8 And he goes, She lost. She won.

Speaker 8 She lost.

Speaker 3 That's all.

Speaker 2 No, I like this guy. And he goes, Come on.

Speaker 2 The worst, the darkest part of that thing is not him shirtless with his jeans and his muffin top. It's when he's just staring before as the race is going and just going, this is so bad.

Speaker 2 This is so stupid. I shouldn't.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's really like it's heartbreaking that addiction,

Speaker 2 at least on drugs, you're like, You don't even remember what you're doing. But, like, as a gambler,

Speaker 2 you're just wide awake, no anesthetic, just fucking losing your paycheck. But gamble on these games, everybody.

Speaker 2 Sorry. Well, here's the deal: What is my message here?

Speaker 8 Your message is, Andrew, you know where to cut that right um

Speaker 2 i'm gonna take the four no you gotta give the people the truth you know what you're doing is stupid so fucking don't get real stupid oh well we always tell them that yeah have fun have fun that's all you have to do paul

Speaker 2 gamble responsibly drink responsibly do smack responsibly well everything eat responsibly have two cookies don't have the sleeve well they put it on you

Speaker 2 they put it on you. After they fuck you,

Speaker 2 okay, take away all your benefits, and you come home and you got a whole fucking liquor cabinet and you've been treated like shit all day, then it's on you to fucking drink responsibly.

Speaker 2 So then you can beat, because then it's still your fucking fault.

Speaker 2 Maybe if there's less cunts in the world, there'd be less pain and people wouldn't have to fucking medicate with this shit. All right, let's let's let's keep going here, Paul.

Speaker 2 So, Paul, what do you like next?

Speaker 8 I'm gonna take take the 49ers minus two and a half brock you motherfucker i love that game well you took my jets

Speaker 8 i'm gonna take the 49ers because brock purdy's coming back and i think they're gonna be juiced up that he's back and kyler murray is out for the cardinals um

Speaker 8 yeah i just think the 49ers are gonna they're getting their captain back i i i think that uh the line being under three again another line under three so i'm gonna to take them.

Speaker 2 All right. I like that pick, dude.
And that kind of fucked me here because

Speaker 2 I was seeing things. I was seeing things.
Dude, what the fuck are the Panthers?

Speaker 2 Who are they? What are they? Does anybody know?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 2 They're five and five. I'm glue.
They're five and five. And they're like.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 that's like dating a stripper. I know enough to stay out of the fucking NFC South, if I've learned anything.
Although I don't, I don't, yeah.

Speaker 2 I still, in my mind, the 49ers are in the NFC NFC South, but they used to be in the West and with the Falcons. So that still fucks me up.

Speaker 2 I had this poster, Paul, on my wall when there was only 28 teams in the NFL. Paul, if you don't stop looking at your fucking paper,

Speaker 2 if you don't have the answers

Speaker 2 by fucking November 13th,

Speaker 2 Paul, all you can do is get better.

Speaker 2 Phil, I'm looking at film.

Speaker 3 I'm looking at film.

Speaker 2 Oh, man, there's not a lot of meat on the bone after you took that fucking 49ers game, Paul. Great pick.

Speaker 2 I'm going to take the Giants. I'm kidding.

Speaker 2 I am going to take,

Speaker 2 dude, fuck the Ravens. I don't give a shit what they did last week.
Those fucking assholes.

Speaker 2 I always lose when I bet them. Oh, my God.
I'm going to take old Twinkletoes out there in Kansas City, minus four, playing the Broncos. This is their time of year.
Travis is going to stomp around.

Speaker 2 The Meerkat's going to start showing up to the games, going, oh my God, Travis. And they're just going to fucking gear up that whole media machine.

Speaker 2 Flags are in the pockets, Paul. In the pockets.

Speaker 2 Holding defense. And I didn't see anything.
As he runs by with the ball sticking it out.

Speaker 8 Hey, talk about

Speaker 3 who's the Bucs?

Speaker 8 Who are the Tampa Bay Buccaneers now?

Speaker 3 What happened to them?

Speaker 2 You know what, Paul? You and Baker Mayfield have the exact same beard. And I think that's a little synergy going on there.

Speaker 8 Which is,

Speaker 2 Paul, you're a fucking winner.

Speaker 2 Okay?

Speaker 2 I like it. Baker Mayfield is a fucking winner.
You heard that guy's fucking story?

Speaker 2 He played for Texas Tech. He wins five games.
They still don't make him his

Speaker 2 starter. Him and his mom drive up to Norman, Oklahoma.
They can't get on the team. He just enrolls as a fucking student.
He walks on,

Speaker 2 walks on

Speaker 2 and wins the Heisman Trophy.

Speaker 2 He's played for the Browns. That's crazy.

Speaker 8 That's crazy.

Speaker 2 Played for the Rams. That's okay.
He played for the Buccaneers. This guy has played for perennial fucking losers.
And the man wins. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And now he's going in there

Speaker 2 with Buffalo.

Speaker 2 And all they got is chicken wings, Paul. That's all they got.
They got chicken wings and the great wings. And they got Lake Effect Snow.
And they have an AFL title for when John JFK was still alive.

Speaker 2 How do you like that? There's my Jake the Snake report.

Speaker 3 All right. Well, for my next pick,

Speaker 2 Paul, what are you more excited about?

Speaker 2 Going to Tampa or going to Buffalo?

Speaker 3 I mean, I love the people of Buffalo, but Tampa. But Tampa.
Come on.

Speaker 2 It's got the great weather. That's where Scientology starts.
You can get yourself a cigar down in Ybor City.

Speaker 2 Great people. You can go down there and feel like you're in good shape.

Speaker 2 You go out there and look at those people in Buffalo. They're not breaking tables.
They're trying to kill themselves.

Speaker 2 You'll still feel like you're in good shape there.

Speaker 2 I actually tell you, I do love Buffalo, and they have one of the best fucking minor league baseball stadiums.

Speaker 3 You ever seen that thing?

Speaker 2 You ever take a walk, Paul? Hey, Paul, take a fucking walk. Next time you're going to be able to do that.

Speaker 8 I'm going to take. Paul, you are fading away.

Speaker 2 Why? Oh. Anyway, I'm going to worry.

Speaker 2 What kind of walk? When this podcast is over.

Speaker 8 Yeah, when this podcast is, it's an Opal one. It's a good one, but I didn't set it right.
I'm going to Best Buy, get a new one. Because I got to get a microphone cord anyway.

Speaker 2 I'm going to Best Buy.

Speaker 8 I'm going to go head-to-head with Bill. I'm going to take the Denver Broncos getting four at home against the Chiefs.

Speaker 8 The Chiefs are not, the Chiefs are good, but we'll see. I like the four points in Denver at home.

Speaker 2 That line was four and a half before it moved to four. So maybe something.

Speaker 3 Maybe something.

Speaker 2 You know what's crazy, guys? The Chiefs are not in the playoffs as of today.

Speaker 2 So they, this is a pretty big day.

Speaker 2 That is November.

Speaker 2 It's a show.

Speaker 2 It's a fucking show.

Speaker 2 They're not going to, they got to have the prong king and queen there.

Speaker 2 They got to do it. They got to do it.
Listen, I will give it to the NFL. They listened to the fans.
They knew we were sick of the fucking preferential treatment.

Speaker 2 They called off the dogs in the Super Bowl and they waited for the Ravens and the Bills.

Speaker 2 They waited five weeks for one of them to step up and start dating a pop star and winning games and nobody did it.

Speaker 2 So they got to ride with the Chiefs. I think the Hankeys go away.

Speaker 2 The hate starts up again and it's just, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 8 Bills got one more pick, right?

Speaker 2 Yes. Yeah, I do.

Speaker 2 Who does the Bengals have as quarterback? Still Joe Flacco.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'll take Joe Flacco on five and a half points. Division rivalry against the Steelers.
I do love Aaron Rodgers, though. They're at home whatever.

Speaker 2 These games, I don't know, they're always close. Black and blue division.
No, to your point, I don't get why the Steelers are just big favorites. They got smacked on

Speaker 2 Sunday night football. So it's kind of an interesting line.
And that line just dropped a point this morning or last night, too. That was Bengals were getting six and a half.

Speaker 2 Wow. I don't like that.
That was probably a stupid pick. But you know what, Paul? I'm a summer school kid.
I do stupid things.

Speaker 8 Hey, Andrew, why does the Texans line and the Titans line have six and six and a half? Why is it different?

Speaker 2 That is the typo.

Speaker 8 So what's the line?

Speaker 2 I'm gonna.

Speaker 2 Hey, Paul, guess what? Everybody missed that but you.

Speaker 2 Everybody missed that but you, Paul. You're seeing it.

Speaker 2 I hope. That's your first little fucking bloop single.

Speaker 2 Get him out of this slump. Come on, Paulie.

Speaker 3 Just get a runner on. Just get a runner on.

Speaker 2 Just try to make contact.

Speaker 2 That line moved half a point, too. That's why that was a half a point.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 So what is it?

Speaker 2 What kind of fucking assholes are betting this early in the week? Unless you're going with fucking... It's a great point.

Speaker 2 The look-ahead lines on Monday.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's preseason odds. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they have lines on these games.

Speaker 2 Maybe that's your move because the lines are bigger earlier in the week. Maybe you want to get in there.
You want to be the guy that moves the line. I don't know.

Speaker 8 Dude, what's going on with the Chicago Bears being 6-3, too?

Speaker 3 That's nuts.

Speaker 8 That is a big game, but it's a way Minnesota needs it. Dude,

Speaker 8 I'm going to take Baker Mayfield and the Buccaneers getting five and a half points.

Speaker 2 Oh, Baker. Baker Versey.

Speaker 8 I see the Bills winning this game by three. So I'm going to take the points.
And I got two favorites. I got two dogs.
Let's see what happens. I hate this week.

Speaker 8 That's why I'm staring at it like I'm trying to crack a code. But that's it.

Speaker 3 That's where I'm at.

Speaker 2 All right. And then the Monday night special.

Speaker 2 Paul, I just can't get above 500. I've never been able to do it.

Speaker 2 You're right, Dora?

Speaker 2 You're at that point. Ever since I had kids, I just, every time I come up for air, the book just fucking pushes my goddamn skull back under.

Speaker 2 The beluga whale we

Speaker 2 we have our we have our games here all right i gotta get rolling here man so let's let's i gotta go to work so let's knock this out here all right well

Speaker 8 we got the cowboys and raiders in the monday night game

Speaker 2 over oh that lion eagles sunday night they're not doing two monday night games No, two Monday nights. Sunday night versus the Monday night.
It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

Speaker 2 You got to sing your song, Bill.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. Let the Monday Night Special win some money for you.
Let the Monday Night Special

Speaker 2 win some fucking money for you. Paulie, oh my God.
What do you like?

Speaker 2 Good guys versus the bad guys.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's go with the bad guys.

Speaker 2 Do you know one of my favorite Monday night games growing up? Lal El Zado and the Raiders were coming in.

Speaker 2 And, you know, the Cowboys were called America's team back then, and they were all clean-cut and all of this stuff. They had the beautiful cheerleaders and all that.

Speaker 2 And the Raiders came in looking like a motorcycle gang, and they just took that on that whole identity, like they wanted to go in there and just fuck up something nice, like Lyle Alzedo, because his dad didn't hug him.

Speaker 2 And they came in and they kicked the Cowboys' ass. It was fucking great.
I loved those Raiders teams back then. And also, Lyle Alzedo.
He was the shit. All right, Cowboys, Raiders, Paul.
Cowboys

Speaker 2 laying three and a half as the favorites, going in there. Sneaky Pete, better coach.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 8 Cowboys not good this year.

Speaker 2 I'll take the Raiders. I'll take Pete Carroll.

Speaker 2 Taking the

Speaker 2 dude, but the Cowboys just got such a better quarterback.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Meaning, I don't know who the Raiders' quarterback is.

Speaker 2 Gino Smith.

Speaker 2 Who is it? Mark Wilson?

Speaker 3 Gino Smith.

Speaker 2 Gino Smith.

Speaker 2 Gino Smith. He's turned upers.

Speaker 2 You know, Gino, he's a generous guy.

Speaker 2 You know, sneaky, you know, sneaky Pete.

Speaker 8 Sneaky Pete on him on a under the lights, though. You know, sneaky Pete knows he's on TV.

Speaker 2 I think I like your guys' instinct to take the Raiders to cover.

Speaker 2 I think that's, I'm the, yeah, I like the Raiders to cover because I, because I think people are like thinking the Cowboys are going to go in there. I don't know.

Speaker 2 You know, how do you keep your team under wraps, Paul? Paul, you're the new coach of the Giants. You're playing the fucking Vegas Raiders.
How do you keep, how do you make them

Speaker 2 make curfew?

Speaker 3 I know.

Speaker 2 I mean, pound for pound.

Speaker 2 You can't fuck with Vegas when it comes to whores, right?

Speaker 2 Like, what are the whoreiest cities, both? You know, if you had to rank them.

Speaker 8 I have Vegas, Miami.

Speaker 2 I thought of Miami, too.

Speaker 8 Yeah, Vegas, Mike.

Speaker 2 They're not whores, are they just fucking beautiful women that you want to bang?

Speaker 2 Yeah. That don't even see you.

Speaker 2 Really old face.

Speaker 2 All right, let's let's get out of here. All right, let's take the cowboys.
No, let's take the let's take the raiders.

Speaker 2 Come on, let's do our classic. We'll take the Raiders, then we'll take the, we'll take Zach to throw one and CeeDee Lamb to catch one.

Speaker 2 Oh my God, CeeDee Lamb is back. Cee De Lamb is back.
We have to take Lamb to catch one. I actually like that.
Yeah, we have to take Lamb to catch one.

Speaker 2 Back up, Gen.

Speaker 2 You can take the Raiders or him back, Janti to score one as well. He's great.

Speaker 8 All right, let's do that. And we'll do Lamb to throw one and we'll take the points.

Speaker 2 No, Lamb to catch one. Yeah,

Speaker 8 Lamb to catch one, running back of the Raiders to get one, and then we'll take the points three and a half. I like that.

Speaker 2 Just out of curiosity, what is the line for Lamb to throw one on the option?

Speaker 8 Oh, dude, that's got to be like.

Speaker 8 Hey, that's big money.

Speaker 2 Dude, that's one of those bets. You hit that bet, you make the news.

Speaker 8 Watch, we don't take that, and he does it to win the game.

Speaker 8 That's when I quit the show. That's when I go, guys, guys.

Speaker 2 That's when Paul, you get quiet. I say what the fuck and throw shit.
Paul gets quiet. Yeah.
When Paul loses, he gets quiet. He just

Speaker 8 happened, and you just saw Stacey here for next week's show. She's like, What's up, everybody?

Speaker 2 Paul is resting.

Speaker 3 Paul is resting.

Speaker 2 He wants to know. He wants all you guys to know that he loves you guys.

Speaker 3 Paul's in the tent.

Speaker 8 You see what I did there? I put a fucking bow on it. That's our show, everybody.

Speaker 8 Check me out at Levity Live on Thanksgiving Eve. I'll be at the Edmonton Hall December 12th in Newtown, Connecticut.
For more dates, go to Paul Mersey.

Speaker 8 Stay out of the tent this week.

Speaker 3 Hey,

Speaker 2 I'm going to be at the whiskey, the whiskey of go-go on sunset. I'm doing stand-up there.
I always wanted to perform there. I'm doing it Monday night.

Speaker 2 Oh, nice. Yeah, it's going to be.

Speaker 2 Old Freckles is going to shake the rust off. Taking off these acting clothes, getting back out doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Speaker 2 Paul, I'm just picturing that concussion tent on just your half of the bed. It's fucking hilarious.

Speaker 2 Stacy shaking the tent in the morning. Paul, you want some breakfast? No, I'm good.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's. All right, I'm going to go get some breakfast.
I got to get my footage.

Speaker 8 We'll see you next week.

Speaker 2 Take care. All right.
See you guys. Thanks for watching.

Speaker 3 This is Larry Flick, owner of the floor store. You know that thing that sn