Dolls, Forgiving People, Online Shopping | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-7-25

Speaker 1 Ark Raiders, everybody! Thank you to Embark Studios bringing us their new game, Ark Raiders. A multiplayer extraction adventure video game set in a lethal future Earth.

Speaker 1 Explore an immersive, post-apocalyptic world scarred by conflict and reclaimed by nature. A living surface where weather, enemies, and shifting conditions heighten the constant threat of Ark.

Speaker 1 Communities are forced below ground to survive. Jesus, this is amazing.
Scavenge, survive, thrive in a new extraction adventure.

Speaker 1 Ark Raiders, available now on PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X, S, and PC, rated T for T.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

Speaker 3 And I'm just checking in.

Speaker 2 Checking in on you.

Speaker 1 Just seeing how you're doing. I'm going to check in on you.

Speaker 1 You think the government's going to check in on you, man?

Speaker 3 Check in to see how much you're making.

Speaker 1 Hey, the more you make, the more they take you. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 They're not going to check in on you.

Speaker 1 Am I really checking in on you? I don't know what I'm doing. I don't even know what to fucking do with myself right now.

Speaker 1 The World Series is over.

Speaker 1 And like, I got so fucking fucking into it. I watched the last 14 Blue Jays games.

Speaker 1 I was just like, I'm just going to root for these guys. And then you watch the whole damn thing.

Speaker 1 And now it's like over. And it's just like, now what am I supposed to do?

Speaker 2 Huh?

Speaker 1 Face myself and all my demons? Nah, no. No, no,

Speaker 1 no.

Speaker 1 Football, basketball, hockey, here we go. Keep burying it.
Keep burying it, dude. Push it down.
Push it down. It's about ready to come out during the holidays.
That's how you do it.

Speaker 3 That's how you do it if you're a man.

Speaker 1 I started to watch one of my second Celtic games this year. I don't recognize anybody on the team.

Speaker 1 We were playing the Utah Jazz, one of the uglier games I've seen in a while. We were shooting like 47% the first quarter.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 the other guys weren't shooting much better. It was just, and they just

Speaker 1 kept launching threes.

Speaker 1 I can't believe either one of the rims was still standing with the amount of fucking bricks that were being thrown up. But I bet if I hung in there, it's a game of runs.
It's a game of runs, right?

Speaker 1 So I bet everybody got hot, everybody heated up, and I probably missed one of the best games of the year.

Speaker 1 Anyway, oh, Billy Jimbaud. Billy fucking Jimbaard.
Down four pounds.

Speaker 1 Down four pounds. Went down a notch on the belt, too.
I was sort of, I was a tweener.

Speaker 3 I was in a tween on my belt.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 now I moved down one. I got one more fucking notch

Speaker 1 to go down. And then I don't know, I'll probably have to buy a new belt.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 things.

Speaker 1 The things you have to do. The things you do for love.

Speaker 3 The things you do for love.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I started to watch a fucking. I watched this movie, The Vanishing, the original one.

Speaker 1 Incredibly disturbing and creepy movie.

Speaker 1 One of Stanley Kubrick said it was the scariest movie he ever saw.

Speaker 1 I would say maybe like,

Speaker 1 I don't think it's scarier than The Shining.

Speaker 1 To be honest with you, The Shining scared the shit out of me.

Speaker 1 I don't know. And then last night,

Speaker 1 I started to watch,

Speaker 1 I'm going to watch The Vanishing again, just because there's all of this stuff when you go back and watch it like a second time that they're laying in there is amazing.

Speaker 1 And then what I was really excited about was there was a lot of

Speaker 1 French-speaking,

Speaker 1 you know, what I'm trying to say,

Speaker 1 it was sort of Dutch and French.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I understood so much of the French,

Speaker 1 so many of the words, and all of that. It's really exciting.
I swear to God, if I just had the time, if I could just fucking go over there, if I could go over there for three months, it would be over.

Speaker 1 I just was in it.

Speaker 1 You know, up to my fucking eyeballs and croissants and crepes, I think I would have it.

Speaker 1 I got to get back over there again and do another gig.

Speaker 1 Fuck it. I think I'm just going to do it.
I'm just going to go over there. That's what I'm going to do.
What am I going to do? I'm going to watch some hockey.

Speaker 1 Fucking basketball and football.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I was still, you know, looking up stuff about that World Series. And now there's people like breaking down how the Blue Jays blew it and having it come down to one fucking person.

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 1 why do people always, there's fucking nine guys out there, they had 100 pitchers in there.

Speaker 1 Everybody who went up and didn't hit a fucking home run to end it, isn't that their fault too?

Speaker 1 People always try to figure out, you know why it all sucked?

Speaker 1 That is one of the biggest fucking wastes of time.

Speaker 1 In your life when shit doesn't work out to go back in a negative way to try to figure out why. All right, who do we put this on?

Speaker 1 You know, I mean, I guess growing as a person, if something, you know, doesn't work out for you, you got to go back and think about what you did wrong.

Speaker 3 I understand that, I guess.

Speaker 1 But, you know, with sports, people always want to put it on one person.

Speaker 1 They want to put it on one person so then they can take all of this shit that they haven't dealt with and then fucking

Speaker 1 put it on that person, which I totally get after that fucking comedy festival.

Speaker 1 This is something I fucking saw. You know,

Speaker 1 I read French newspaper. I read this French newspaper, Le Parisien.

Speaker 1 Le Parision.

Speaker 1 Every day, I try to read the front page as much of it as I can understand.

Speaker 1 And people were outraged.

Speaker 1 There was some company that makes like sex dolls, these super realistic looking sex dolls, and they came out with a line of them that look like kids,

Speaker 1 like under 10 years old.

Speaker 1 They're like commoditizing pedophilia. So obviously people were like freaking out.
So I can't imagine.

Speaker 1 I can't imagine

Speaker 1 what some of these people,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 if you're upset about a comedy festival, I can't imagine what the fuck you're gonna have to say about that

Speaker 1 my guess is gonna be absolutely nothing um

Speaker 1 anyway now why don't the nerds unleash the bots on that thing why don't they do that it's kind of funny that they didn't right

Speaker 1 what does that mean who are the bots protecting and what are they doing

Speaker 1 like do they own a piece of that fucking sex doll company

Speaker 1 How the fuck did that conversation go?

Speaker 4 Just, I just, just one fucking time.

Speaker 1 Can somebody just press record in the conference room when you're making a decision on that? How do you talk around it?

Speaker 1 You know what? Instead of calling them kids, they probably call them,

Speaker 1 you know, we have a new line of compact models.

Speaker 2 They go, yeah.

Speaker 1 Anything that's of le, any doll that looks of legal age to bang is called a full size.

Speaker 3 And then teens

Speaker 1 are their mid-size.

Speaker 4 And then you have the comp, small, medium, and large.

Speaker 1 And then you go in there like you're ordering a cappuccino at a fucking shitty coffee shop.

Speaker 1 All right, because if anybody knows anything about coffee, there's only one size for a fucking cappuccino. And there's only one size

Speaker 1 human being, you bang.

Speaker 1 And that's on the other side of the legal age, you motherfuckers.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 1 anyway, if you're like me, if you live some life,

Speaker 1 if you've lived some life, people have disappointed you. People have upset you.

Speaker 1 People have hurt you. You've hurt people or whatever.

Speaker 1 So if you're like me, you just hang on to the hurt, and then it turns into anger and resentment. And then, you know,

Speaker 1 you're fucking every time you beep your horn, rather than just beeping at somebody, you got to hold it down for at least 30 seconds. That's that's how it

Speaker 1 tries to get out.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 so, it was actually this morning I was having a cup, cup of coffee and some overnight oats,

Speaker 1 which were fantastic.

Speaker 1 I'm eating like that guy that, you know, in the old grape nuts commercials. That's why I had breakfast.
You remember those things?

Speaker 1 The guy would be out on the back porch in the bathrobe and you have a bowl of grape nuts with like fruit inside of it, which we always thought was fucking hilarious because

Speaker 1 nobody took the time to slice up fruit, you know, unless your parents were immigrants. But if they were real, if they were real, real American heroes,

Speaker 3 they don't have time to cut up fruit to put it in your cereal.

Speaker 1 They would,

Speaker 1 yeah, and I remember like looking at them going, Look at this, look at this guy. The guy's fucking jacked.
He's outside. The bears are afraid of him.

Speaker 1 He's probably got some fucking hot piece of ash inside, right? He just looks got this fucking,

Speaker 1 you know, sort of house, A-frame, log cabin-y, fucking, I know how to fix shit.

Speaker 1 They were selling you all on that, right?

Speaker 1 I've been eating like that lately. Minus the A-frame, minus the the jackbaud.

Speaker 1 Still have a pretty, you know.

Speaker 1 My wife is easy on the eyes. Let's put it that way.

Speaker 1 When you're in love with the beautiful woman,

Speaker 2 Dr. Hook.
Anyway,

Speaker 1 yeah, so I've learned that, like, so I was sitting there today, you know, as I'm continuing my journey journey of trying to get this fucking anger

Speaker 4 out of me.

Speaker 1 Like, I feel like I cut down the tree and now I just have this stump and I don't have that stump remover thing, you know, I got like a fucking shovel.

Speaker 1 So I was reading this whole fucking thing on how to forgive people.

Speaker 1 And you cannot believe how much work it is. It's like, wait a minute, you're going to fuck me over and then

Speaker 1 I have to do all of this work or else I'm going to be fucking angry

Speaker 1 and then other people aren't going to like, they're not going to like me because of the shit you did that's now in me and then I'm angry and I come at them in a fucked up way.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 1 That's how this show. Dude, it was like

Speaker 1 A, B, C steps, and then there was three things to do

Speaker 1 in each one of them.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I'm going to give it a shot.

Speaker 1 Going to therapy now, so I'm just going to make a copy of that. And I'm going to be like, all right, here's how you forgive people.
How do I do this?

Speaker 1 And then I'm just going to take out this scroll and just fucking let it fly and be like, these are all the people that I feel in my head fucked me over in the last 57 years.

Speaker 1 And each and every one of them still lives on inside of me.

Speaker 2 So, how do we

Speaker 1 rectify this situation?

Speaker 1 Anyway, I was at my daughter's soccer practice yesterday

Speaker 1 having a great time

Speaker 1 watching the kids play. I tell you, kids in California can play soccer, man.

Speaker 1 There were some kids, you know.

Speaker 1 I feel like when I went down there, there was a lot of like multilingual families. And soccer is the biggest game in the world.
So, like,

Speaker 1 like these kids are just, I don't know, I feel like all their parents play, like, even like the moms.

Speaker 1 If the ball gets kicked over, like, they don't just kick it back. They do a little something with it, and then they fucking send it back.
And I'm like, all right, I've never been in this world.

Speaker 1 There's some really, really good fucking players.

Speaker 1 And my daughter's hanging with them, so it's making me really proud. So afterward,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 she wants to go get something. She wants to go buy like Starbucks or something.
She goes, Dad, you don't drink Starbucks coffee, right? I said, no, it's garbage.

Speaker 1 And she said, why is it garbage? I go, I don't know. It's like they don't care.

Speaker 1 So anyway, I'm waiting to make a left to go into this thing. And this fucking asshole is just sitting there.

Speaker 1 With like three car lengths to let this person go by and now I'm just now I'm I'm blocking traffic They would just pull up one car length, I could get behind them.

Speaker 1 And I'm all upset because this person is just in their own fucking world and doesn't realize what they're doing to my life. And I am beside myself that this person has the audacity to not consider me.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I'm doing one of those things. Stupid, right? So I stayed.
I go, look at this fucking guy.

Speaker 1 And then I just said.

Speaker 1 To my daughter, I just said to her, I go, you know what? I'm flipping out again. She goes, yep.
And I I go, do you deserve this? She goes, no. And I go, no, you don't.
So guess what? I'm going to do.

Speaker 1 And she goes, stop. And I go, yes.

Speaker 1 And then we both laughed. And that was it.

Speaker 1 There you go. So, you know, I'm like the Bruins.
I'm getting some wins here. I'm turning it around.

Speaker 1 I'm rebuilding the franchise, but I'm seriously going to do that. I'm going to learn how to

Speaker 1 forgive people. And one of them is then to have you got to have a boundary.

Speaker 1 The part I liked the best was it was like, if you choose to continue the relationship, there has to be a boundary.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that's the part I like. It's like, no, I don't choose to continue the relationship.
And that is the boundary.

Speaker 2 Fuck off.

Speaker 3 So, anyway,

Speaker 1 I just gotta

Speaker 1 figure out how to let this shit go.

Speaker 2 And with that,

Speaker 1 I'm getting ready to do some road gigs here. I got some road gigs coming up.

Speaker 1 And you know what? I might just say fuck it. I might just say fuck it and go back to Paris.
Why the fuck not? Why the fuck not? What else am I going to do? You know, I'm becoming a fancy man here.

Speaker 1 I'm learning how to speak another language. I'm watching the Criterion channel.
Criterion channel, as I keep saying, Criterion Channel, if you're not familiar with it, it's Cinemax for Smart People.

Speaker 1 All right, there's still nudity, there's still plenty of violence, but the gorgeous way that it is executed in these movies, it's beautiful. You don't feel filthy, you don't feel bad watching it.

Speaker 1 It's very artistic.

Speaker 1 As opposed to that smut they got going on in, I don't even know what Cinemax is anymore, but when I was a kid,

Speaker 1 you know, smut, uh, smut,

Speaker 1 Cinemax was the closest thing to free online porn that you could, that you could even, that you could get to. Late night Cinemax on the weekends,

Speaker 1 that was definitely where it was at. Um, if you ever wondered where it was at in the white suburbs in 1983, Cinemax, 1130 movie, Friday or Saturday night, that was where it was at.

Speaker 1 You were going to see Bush. And I don't mean the band.

Speaker 4 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 1 I know this all sounds ridiculous to anybody under the age of like 45, but it was a big fucking deal. It was a big deal in the 80s.
In the 80s.

Speaker 4 All right, everybody.

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Speaker 1 Ark Raiders, everybody. Thank you to Embark Studios, bringing us their new game, Ark Raiders.
A multiplayer extraction adventure video game set in a lethal future Earth.

Speaker 1 Explore an immersive, post-apocalyptic world scarred by conflict and reclaimed by nature. A living surface where weather, enemies, and shifting conditions heighten the constant threat of Ark.

Speaker 1 Communities are forced below ground to survive. Jesus, this is amazing.
Scavenge, survive, thrive in a new extraction adventure.

Speaker 1 Arc Raiders, available now on PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X, S, and PC rated T for T.

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Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 I got a bunch of shit I got to do, but

Speaker 1 I'm getting inspired though. I was sitting there by myself having breakfast, my overnight oats, and my coffee, and I was just going, like, all right,

Speaker 1 what are we going to do? What's the next move here? And I just googled how to forgive people.

Speaker 1 And now I feel like now that I've Googled that, like the ads that I'm going to be getting,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 remember those stupid pictures that they sold a million of them? You guys don't remember this shit. It was these weirdo fucking pictures of kids, and they had these giant eyes.

Speaker 1 You know, I got to get you the names of these.

Speaker 1 And people used to fucking buy them. They were the creepiest,

Speaker 1 The creepiest goddamn photos. I'm going to look this up.

Speaker 2 Big-eyed

Speaker 1 kids

Speaker 1 artist.

Speaker 1 Here we go.

Speaker 1 The artist famous for big-eyed children paintings is

Speaker 1 Margaret Keene. No, that's not her.
Those are not the ones.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 no.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no. That's not.
No, fuck you.

Speaker 3 Before that, before that.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Before nine-inch nails. I'm going to ministry here.

Speaker 1 See, 1970s.

Speaker 1 These things were fucking weird.

Speaker 1 They keep showing me that same lady.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 They were upsetting. I don't even know why.
Yeah, I'm saying I'm going to get fucking ads. It's to see if I want to buy those.

Speaker 1 Which, by the way, I started my Christmas shopping, and I've kind of given into the fact that, like,

Speaker 1 just about every store is closed now.

Speaker 1 Like, pharmacies are closing. Like, Dwayne Reeds are closing out here.
And within those Dwayne Reeds is thrifty ice cream.

Speaker 1 That the greatest generation, the baby boom generation, they go in there and they get ice cream.

Speaker 1 You know, they come in there

Speaker 1 with those big white sneakers with the Velcro things, and they get themselves some pistachio ice cream. And now, what are they supposed to do?

Speaker 1 Because you're too fucking lazy to get off the couch to go down and buy a tube of toothpaste. Now, these old people can't go in and get their ice cream.

Speaker 1 Where are they supposed to go? Some artisan place now

Speaker 1 and get two scoops of what they used to pay for for a pint.

Speaker 1 I mean, this is the kind of shit that politicians need to address.

Speaker 2 All right?

Speaker 1 I feel that if you fought in wars and you paid into the social security system for over 65 years,

Speaker 1 there should be a pharmacy near you where you can walk down

Speaker 1 and get yourself an ice cream for a couple of bucks. I don't think that's asking too much.

Speaker 1 I think that that's a nice, you know,

Speaker 1 thanks for playing.

Speaker 1 That's kind of what you get at the end of your life if you haven't built a life of friends and loved ones or whatever.

Speaker 1 if you just sort of like it were in the rat race, it just spits you out the other side, like, all right,

Speaker 1 thanks for playing.

Speaker 2 It just

Speaker 1 sends you out the side door, the side door of life, standing in the alley.

Speaker 2 Now what?

Speaker 2 Now what?

Speaker 1 You just hear the beeping of a cardio machine or whatever.

Speaker 1 Cardiographer, whatever the fucking, cardiomyopathy, what do you call those, those little fucking things when you're laying in a hospital bed?

Speaker 1 The original craftmatic adjustable bed.

Speaker 1 That's when we really got fucking fat in this country.

Speaker 1 When they started selling hospital beds for when you're at home and you're not even sick, so you can sit up and eat that bowl or whatever and not have it fucking fall onto your chest.

Speaker 1 I think that's that's when you really know

Speaker 1 that there's something going on with you that you're, you know, you're not aware of. There's some sort of deep sadness within you when,

Speaker 1 like,

Speaker 1 whatever concoction you made in your kitchen, and then you climb into your bed and you set the bowl of sadness down on your little end table.

Speaker 1 And as you're taking the ride up to 45 degrees,

Speaker 1 just like in that moment,

Speaker 1 because you can't start eating, because you can't watch the show, because you have to wait for this eight-second ride. In those eight seconds,

Speaker 1 you have this moment of self-reflection

Speaker 1 of what has happened to me.

Speaker 1 And right as that sadness and that profound moment starts to take hold, the bed stops.

Speaker 1 And then you just fucking reach over to wherever that bowl of salt or sugar to get you fucking ramped up, right?

Speaker 1 And you bench watch a series.

Speaker 1 That's what you do.

Speaker 1 But maybe that's what you should do. Like, I don't understand God.
Like, he just makes people and horrible things happen to us.

Speaker 1 And then you spend the rest of your life trying to get that pain out of you.

Speaker 1 You know? And if you don't, I guess you failed. Whatever this.

Speaker 1 Whatever the meaning of life is, I guess you failed. And then you sit across from the guy who made the pedophile or whatever made the fucking alcoholic mom, whatever the fuck you had, right?

Speaker 1 And now he's going to look at you and be like, that's what you did with your life? You just ate ice cream and binge-watched TV shows. You're like, hey, man, like, I wasn't hurting anybody.

Speaker 1 And then God looks at you like, yeah, but you weren't helping anybody either, were you?

Speaker 1 What about the creators of the show? That doesn't fly here.

Speaker 1 See ya, and then he sends you down to hell.

Speaker 1 So, anyway, speaking of hell, I started fucking Christmas shopping, and I have all of these ideas, so I'm like, you know what? Fuck this, I'm just gonna do it online like everybody else, right?

Speaker 1 So, I go to go online,

Speaker 1 I got a friend of mine,

Speaker 1 I went to get this person a gift certificate to the Criterion channel, and it took me almost a half an hour to get it done.

Speaker 1 Creating an account, coming up with a password, typing the password in. The password doesn't match.
Bah, ba, ba, ba, ba.

Speaker 1 Selecting the fucking thing.

Speaker 1 I did an E gift card so I could email it to the person, but they still wanted the person's address. I'm like, I'm not giving you that fucking address.
So I just gave them my address again.

Speaker 1 And it was just like, I absolutely lost my mind.

Speaker 1 And then what I loved was I had no way of knowing if the person got it afterward.

Speaker 1 It's like, I just gave you $100. And

Speaker 1 there's no receipt. I don't have the thing.

Speaker 1 Order status. And it just said delivered.

Speaker 1 My question is, what if it isn't? Then I went and I wanted to get,

Speaker 1 you know, my son, he's been watching hockey with me. He said, Dad, I want to watch the hockey.
He likes it. He wants to play play hockey and everything.
So I'm like, this is fucking amazing.

Speaker 1 So I want to get him a Bruins t-shirt.

Speaker 1 I look up Bruins Merchandise. I click on it.
It's a bunch of bullshit. I realize I'm not on the Bruins website.
Some nerd figured out a way to make sure that if you search Bruins Merchandise,

Speaker 1 that this fucking stupid website would come up first.

Speaker 1 I was on that one for seven minutes before I realized that. I get off of that one.
Then I go to the NHL one. All I want to do is get my, all I want to do is shop for Christmas.

Speaker 1 I just want to fucking get him a t-shirt. And all the cool ones are sold out.

Speaker 1 And all these ugly ones, every size is available. It's like, I know what the fuck you're doing.

Speaker 1 I know what you're doing. You're not sold out.
How are you sold out? I'm going directly to the fucking manufacturer.

Speaker 4 You got a whole fucking warehouse full of them.

Speaker 1 But you're just going to say that they're sold out because you want to push this other merch.

Speaker 1 Not available.

Speaker 1 Everything I looked up was not fucking available. But all the ugly bullshit that nobody wants to buy is available.
And what they wanted was me to go into a panic and be like,

Speaker 2 I got to get them something.

Speaker 1 And just fucking click on it.

Speaker 1 Well, I didn't. I didn't click on it.

Speaker 1 I yelled at my computer. I walked around the house and yelled about it to myself instead.
And I got nothing done.

Speaker 1 And it is now November 5th.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 Jesus.

Speaker 1 It's so stupid. It's so, the whole thing is so fucking dumb.

Speaker 1 And every year it sneaks up on me. And this year, I was just like, I'm going to get this shit done.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to have it done

Speaker 1 by the end of November. And I'm going to have all my gifts wrapped and ready to fucking go.
And that's it. And then the day after Thanksgiving, I'm going to go out and get my Christmas tree.

Speaker 1 Bing, bang, boom.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 1 November 24th, I'm celebrating seven years of no.

Speaker 1 Oh, Jesus, I'm back. Sorry, got a phone call.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so that is my goal. Then I get the fucking Christmas tree.
I set it up. And what was that fucking...

Speaker 1 What was this shit I drank?

Speaker 1 It wasn't wild turkey. It was something really good.
Dude, my stomach is growling like a motherfucker. This is what happens when you fucking...

Speaker 1 You eat fruits and fucking

Speaker 1 overnight oats. You're like hungry, like 20 minutes later.

Speaker 1 What the fuck was I talking about? Yeah, I'm going to get this shit done.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get this shit done. I'm not fucking doing it this year.
I'm going to get the family photo for the Christmas card, and I'm just going to get this shit done.

Speaker 1 Doesn't this sound fun?

Speaker 1 The excitement of the holidays?

Speaker 1 Anyway, I kind of know the shit that I want to get people. I don't know what to get my wife.
I got to ask my lovely wife what she wants.

Speaker 1 I'm going to figure that out. But my kids, I got my son fucking Lincoln Lux.

Speaker 1 He's into like architecture and shit like that. I swear to God,

Speaker 1 he likes looking at how stuff is built and all of that, cars and stuff. So I might regret it, though.
I have a bad feeling. Like, I got him.

Speaker 1 And, you know, of course, I got him like the one that's like

Speaker 1 50 bucks and has like a thousand pieces.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what was available: linking logs. Lincoln logs are available, Legos are available.

Speaker 1 But any of that other bullshit that everybody wants,

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Maybe there's a lot more stuff available than I thought. Maybe just the first two things I clicked on, I struck out, and then I just flipped out.
That's probably, you know what?

Speaker 1 That's probably what happened.

Speaker 1 All right, that is the podcast, everybody.

Speaker 1 I don't even know what to tell you. I'm fucking,

Speaker 1 I gotta like,

Speaker 1 I gotta do this shit. I gotta figure out how to forgive all of this stuff from my past so I stop yelling at people

Speaker 1 in a Starbucks fucking line. Like, what am I doing?

Speaker 4 What the fuck am I doing?

Speaker 1 Anyway.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 1 That's it. Enjoy the weekend, you can't.
And I will check,

Speaker 1 and I will talk to you on Monday.

Speaker 4 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, November 6th, 2017.
What's going on? How are you?

Speaker 4 How are you doing?

Speaker 4 No, really, seriously. Are you okay? I've been thinking about you.

Speaker 4 Is there anything worse when you don't want someone to, like, you know, if you don't want to talk about your fucking troubles, and then there's that overly caring person in your life that notices them,

Speaker 4 and they're like, you know, what's going on with you? I'm cool, I'm good, I'm good. No, seriously, you seem there's, I'm just picking up something on your energy.

Speaker 4 What do you mean, you fucking Star Trek? Yeah, you're reading my mind, you know. I mean, you're right.

Speaker 4 I don't need you as a non-fucking

Speaker 4 psychiatrist walking around my brain.

Speaker 4 Everybody thinks they're fucking qualified because they watched a couple episodes of Dr. Phil and he makes it look so easy for the simple fact that the man does not give a shit.

Speaker 4 Okay, he's there for one reason only. All right, it's for the who is after the show.

Speaker 4 You know, that's why he has that fucking angry. You ever seen a guy helping more people with such like a fucking angry look on his face?

Speaker 4 You know, I got the Chiefs fucking Cowboys game on in the background.

Speaker 4 How many times does a special team fuck up a free lunch when the punter kicks it right down to the one-yard line?

Speaker 4 They're just the worst. The guy fucking did it.
Everybody wants to be the guy that does it, and then they fucking fumble the ball into the end zone.

Speaker 4 And what happens? Huh? The punter takes the hit, and rather than him having a 41-yard fucking average for the game, it moves down to 38, right?

Speaker 4 And the second they see that three, all of a sudden they want to move you to another team.

Speaker 4 Nobody ever looks at the nameless cunts that run down the fucking field, the wedge breakers, all of them, right?

Speaker 4 The guys that nobody has talked about since John Madden stopped announcing games. They go down there and consistently fuck that playup.

Speaker 4 This has nothing to do with NFL special teams. This has nothing to do with people asking me, How are you doing? Is everything good? You look good, but

Speaker 4 I sense a sadness.

Speaker 4 It's just like, can can you just

Speaker 4 can you just fucking let me sit here?

Speaker 4 All right?

Speaker 4 Wait, I'm ready to talk about this.

Speaker 4 It's like this isn't yours to talk about, right?

Speaker 4 Anyways, um

Speaker 4 can I say anyways one more fucking time?

Speaker 4 My last podcast, I left you. I was at the surf ballroom.

Speaker 4 Right? Chantilly lace and a pretty face, a pony tail hanging down, a wiggle and a walk and a giggle and a talk. I was there.
Make the world go wow, wow, wow, wow.

Speaker 4 And the next day, I was flying Air Choice One

Speaker 4 to Chicago, and then I was taking another puddle jumper up to,

Speaker 4 what the hell was it, Milwaukee, right?

Speaker 4 So me and Dean Del Rey, we show up. We had like the greatest fucking night ever.
We stayed at at this hotel that was designed by Frank Lloyd Weber.

Speaker 4 Amazing hotel. So we drive up to the airport.
The airport, the Mason City airport, is just one of the greatest things ever. I'm going to upload some pictures.

Speaker 4 You walk in, there's probably 12 chairs for people in the waiting room. You go through this little security area.
I love little airports, little mom and pop airports.

Speaker 4 I get up there, Dean checks in, all good. I go to check in.
I'm on the 925.

Speaker 4 I land in Chicago O'Hare. I have a little, you know, a little layover, and then I'm going to go up to

Speaker 4 then I'm going to go up to the,

Speaker 4 you know, up to Milwaukee, right?

Speaker 4 For my seven,

Speaker 4 what I thought was a 7.30 show. Turned out it was a 7.

Speaker 4 So I get in there, and the lady behind the counter goes, you're not flying until 5.25. And I was like, ha, that is impossible.

Speaker 4 I won't be in Milwaukee in time for my show. She goes, well, according to this, you're on the 525.
I go, all right, well, is there room on the 925?

Speaker 4 So I can switch flights. She goes, no, I'm sorry, that's sold out.
So immediately, you know, me with my temper, I go, oh, so what? So what? That one's sold out, so you bump me to the next flight?

Speaker 4 And she just stuck her hand out. Like when your dad used to say cool it, right? She just stuck her hand out and she just goes, hey, we don't do that here.

Speaker 4 Right?

Speaker 4 Starts fucking giving me shit back

Speaker 4 and starts saying that I screwed up. I mean, like, what do you mean I screwed? How do you know I screwed up? I got a confirmation number.
I got all this type of stuff.

Speaker 4 And she goes, we don't do that there. I go, okay, so you guys never mess up? You never mess up.
This is on me. My travel agent never screws up.
Right?

Speaker 4 And we're going back and forth, back and forth, and she starts fucking yelling at me.

Speaker 4 And I'm, you know, I'm keeping my voice. I'm definitely, you know, definitely on my toes, but I'm not yelling.
But she's yelling at me or raising her voice.

Speaker 4 And finally, I just said to her, I said, lady, why are you yelling at me?

Speaker 4 Okay, I'm the one who's getting screwed here.

Speaker 4 Your shift ends at whatever time it ends. It's no skin off your back.
I'm not yelling. I'm not swearing.
Why are you swearing? Right? I'm not yelling. Why are you yelling at me?

Speaker 4 She got all fucking pissed. And I was just like, Jesus Christ, I thought people were friendly in Iowa.
That's what I heard, right?

Speaker 4 So now I have to get a fucking rental car.

Speaker 4 and I have to drive from Clear Lake. You know, I called my people up, Bob, Bob, Bob.
Everybody's trying to figure out what the fuck's going on.

Speaker 4 So now

Speaker 4 I got to rent a goddamn car in Clear Lake, Iowa, and I have to drive from Clear Lake, Iowa, all the way to Milwaukee, which is going to be nothing but fucking cow pastures. You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 I'll tell you what's amazing is that anybody could crash and die in Iowa. That's what I took away from this fucking drive.

Speaker 4 Because all I see is it's just a giant, it's just a giant field.

Speaker 4 You know?

Speaker 4 Sorry. Anyways,

Speaker 4 so I call up my travel agent. We go to fucking figure out.
I don't know what, I don't know what happened. But it turns out somewhere on my end, somebody fucked up.

Speaker 4 So I walked up to the lady and I said, listen. I apologize.

Speaker 4 I actually apologized to her. I just said it was somebody on my end.

Speaker 4 Where can I get the rental car? And then I just had to fucking deal with that shit. And the stupid thing said it was a five-hour something-minute drive.

Speaker 4 And I just got in the fucking car and drove like 80, 85 the entire way. I averaged 79 miles an hour.
That was with no stops, no getting gas.

Speaker 4 But you know, whenever a truck gets in a left lane and tries to pass up a hill, it fucks the next 20 minutes of your life out, you know?

Speaker 4 But anyways, I ended up making it there. My apologies to the lady, you know, who could have been a little nicer.

Speaker 4 You know, I think I brought it out of her. All right, but I will tell you this, okay?

Speaker 4 You know,

Speaker 4 people tell me how friendly everybody is in Iowa.

Speaker 4 Until you question

Speaker 4 what it is they're doing, then all of a sudden they get their backs up. Or I met one of the few angry people out there.
I don't know, Slipknots from Iowa.

Speaker 4 That's not exactly happy-go-lucky music, is it?

Speaker 4 So I fucking drove all the way into Milwaukee like a maniac

Speaker 4 because I wanted to get to my favorite hotel in the United States of America,

Speaker 4 which is the Pfister Hotel. I swear to God, it's called the Pfister.

Speaker 4 It's the last name of this family. It's spelled P-F-I-S-T-E-R.
If you are ever

Speaker 4 in Milwaukee, that is where you stay. You stay at the Pfister.

Speaker 4 All right? It was Guido Pfister, had the idea for it, and his kid came through with it. You know, this was the 1800s when his last name was Pfister.

Speaker 4 Alright?

Speaker 4 Somehow they say they were German, but his first name is Guido.

Speaker 4 I mean, is it Pfister?

Speaker 4 All I know is, as far as I know, I think Pfisting had died down in the 1800s, so you could have that as a last name. But I believe

Speaker 4 in Roman times, according to like movies, movies like Caliglia,

Speaker 4 that was going on. But now with all the sexual harassment and evidently all these fucking lunatic perverts slash rapists

Speaker 4 in Hollywood, I love that they're acting like this is specific to Hollywood.

Speaker 4 That's something they do all the time. Like if there's like an NFL player that gets busted for domestic violence, they go, what is with these athletes beating women? And it's like,

Speaker 4 that's not it. This is just a microcosm of the

Speaker 4 little sample

Speaker 4 of humanity.

Speaker 4 I would actually be willing to bet that there's just as many plumbers out there that get accused of domestic violence as football players or whatever.

Speaker 4 It's just that plumbers don't sell out football stadiums. There's not a giant plumber stadium to see, you know, a first ballot Hall of Fame plumber, plumber sink.

Speaker 4 So nobody pays attention. So everybody gets to act like, oh, it's going on.
It's in Hollywood.

Speaker 4 It's over here. Like they always notice what people on television are doing.
You know?

Speaker 4 I mean, look at Bill Clinton. I mean, okay, this guy comes on a fucking fern.
He's blowing a load on a dress, which is standard, I guess.

Speaker 4 That's more pedestrian. Place for your jizz to end up.

Speaker 4 You know, if you're going to sit there in court, you know, and your lawyer is going to be going, all right, this is going to be a little bit of an embarrassing day for you there, buddy.

Speaker 4 They're going to bring your jizz in.

Speaker 4 And, you know, but it's on a dress, so I'm willing to bet that a number of people,

Speaker 4 you know, that are in the jury at some point have sploooged on a dress, you know, at very least one of their own t-shirts.

Speaker 4 You know, let's not forget about tube socks, but that, you know, that goes without saying, right? It's but then, you know, if you're on trial and you did it into a plant,

Speaker 4 you know that's a little weird a plant is different than you know if you're fucked outside because then you're just outside

Speaker 4 but a plant that's just really specific

Speaker 4 yeah i thought hollywood was green i thought they gave a shit about the environment anyways um

Speaker 4 i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about so

Speaker 4 Yeah, it's it's an unbelievable like this fucking hotel you you could have shot the shining in there.

Speaker 4 I mean that in a good way, not in the creepy way, because as creepy as that movie is, that is a beautiful hotel.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 it's basically, I'll

Speaker 4 upload some pictures of that too, but it's like literally something that Stanley Kubrick could have filmed one of his masterpieces in. And also,

Speaker 4 they have the greatest, sickest, death-defying steam room

Speaker 4 in the country. I know all this is really sounding bad.
Pfister, steam room, trust me, it's all above board. It's just,

Speaker 4 if you go there, this is how it works. The steam comes on for seven minutes.
You're going to be in there either for 20 minutes or a half hour.

Speaker 4 If you get the half hour one, it comes on for seven minutes, okay? And it's literally like a steam pipe broke.

Speaker 4 And I had to get underneath the towel. Because what you want to do is just let all that steam come in.
You got to tough it out for seven minutes.

Speaker 4 All right? Because it's not going to come on again until the final seven.

Speaker 4 If you got the 30-minute one, 20 minutes, it never comes on again. So as hot as it gets, you got to know that that steam has to last for the entire time that you're in there.
And there's a shower.

Speaker 4 There's like you got your own private place, and there's a shower down the end of it. So

Speaker 4 the first day I went in there, I fucking, I opened the window a little bit because I couldn't take it anymore. And then I closed it.
When it started to die down, I realized I let all the steam out.

Speaker 4 And then four minutes later, it was borderline chilly in there. So I was like, fuck, I screwed it up.
All right.

Speaker 4 So tomorrow when I get there, I'm just going to tough this shit out, right? And I was under a towel, like four and a half minutes in, literally going, ah, ah,

Speaker 4 ah, fuck, fuck, ah. And I just couldn't take it anymore.
So I was like, don't open the window.

Speaker 4 Run to the other side and turn on the shower, right?

Speaker 4 It's like an overhead shower and you have it on cold.

Speaker 4 And I went over there and it was like half a degree not as hot like the steam I ran by the steam thing and my fucking legs felt like I actually understand now what it feels like initially when you're on fire because you know what you want to do but you can't do it because you're too busy hopping up and down so I'm literally hopping up and down with an in I want to turn on the shower but I had to like

Speaker 4 I was reacting to the pain going, ah, ah, fuck, ah, fuck, eh, fuck. And the handle was right there.

Speaker 4 And I just kept reaching down, patting at my legs, rather than just reaching over and turning on the thing.

Speaker 4 So finally, I had to block out the pain for like 0.2 seconds, reach over and turn on the fucking thing.

Speaker 4 And of course, the last person that was in there left it on hot after, you know, the steam was over and they took a hot shower. So it came out hot.
And I was like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Speaker 4 I had to turn it back down

Speaker 4 to get it down to cold.

Speaker 4 And I just stood there for the final three and a half minutes.

Speaker 4 Dude, it is no joke. And

Speaker 4 the half hour was done. Like, I walked out of that thing and I was like breathing heavy.
I was coming out, like

Speaker 4 coming out, I was fucking all red, right?

Speaker 4 So I go out into the way, you know, then you cool off for like 15 minutes, and you're just sitting there, and you're not thinking about anything. You're just sitting there, totally relaxed.

Speaker 4 You feel fucking amazing.

Speaker 4 While in the back of your head, going, you know, I don't know if that was healthy or not, right?

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 4 then I go out of the steam room, right? The lady comes back and gets you, and

Speaker 4 I go to the waiting room, and Bartnick is already there. And he just looks at me and he starts laughing, right? Because I'm all fucking red.
I got the shaved head.

Speaker 4 He goes, dude, you look like the flash.

Speaker 4 Which is hilarious because when I looked at myself in the mirror, I mumbled out loud, like, I look like if Hellboy and Jason Voorhees had a kid, is that the name of the guy from fucking Friday the 13th?

Speaker 4 When he, you know, when he comes up out of the lake, not when he pulls the mask up, all right? I'm not that ugly, but I'm just saying.

Speaker 4 And we just sat there just like drinking water and everything. And,

Speaker 4 you know, I got to be honest with you, two days in a row of doing that. The next night I had two shows at the Riverside Theater.

Speaker 4 Just a magical fucking place that is. And the comedy crowds in Milwaukee, they're unbelievable.
I cannot say enough good things about that city. It might be my favorite city in the country.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 I had two shows, and like,

Speaker 4 I got three-quarters of the way through my first show.

Speaker 4 And I was feeling like dehydrated. Like, I was like, after two days of that level of intensity, I was like, I really should have crushed a bunch of waters here.

Speaker 4 You know, Verse told me he drank a Gatorade and was talking about electrolytes. You know,

Speaker 4 he's like, you got to do that, get the electrolytes going. And I vaguely remember seeing on the internet that electrolytes really isn't a thing.
That's just something that Gatorade came up with.

Speaker 4 So let me look this up. I mean, I don't want to challenge Paul Verse's medical degree,

Speaker 4 but

Speaker 4 I don't know if electrolytes is electrolytes a thing here.

Speaker 2 R

Speaker 4 electrolytes.

Speaker 4 How the fuck are you? What? Is a Y in there?

Speaker 4 There it is. Are electrolytes real?

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 4 Now there's all kinds of electrolytes, but the most important ones are sodium, chloride, potassium. Oh, they are real.

Speaker 4 I thought that that was like something like, you know, rather than when it's not a diamond, they call it a diamond.

Speaker 4 You know, genuine diamonds, like, what the fuck is a diamond? Well, it's like a diamond, except it's not worth anything. Oh, I'd like one of those.
I thought an electrolyte.

Speaker 4 What the F is an electrolyte? Is Gatorade the real deal? All right, everybody loves Gatorade, so let's talk about if it's fluff or actually good for you.

Speaker 4 All you hear about is rehydrate this and electrolyte that. Is it for real? Your body has a balance and has an ionic solution.
Boring term, don't worry about it. I want to know what it is.

Speaker 4 And has ionic solutions called electrolytes that keep your body, muscles, and nerves functioning properly.

Speaker 4 Your kidneys exist to help keep your body in balance by regulating the fluids and electrolytes in your body. Yeah,

Speaker 4 they filter the fluids in your body, right? I thought it was just literally the liquids that you ingest.

Speaker 4 Isn't it unbelievable that I don't know how the fucking body works? I mean, not that you guys think I'm smart.

Speaker 4 I know you know that I'm dumb, but you would think that if you would know how that would work, right?

Speaker 4 Your kidneys make

Speaker 4 oh, I hate this word. Your kidneys make pee.

Speaker 4 I hate when adults say pee unless they're talking to a child. Like, do you have to go pee-pee?

Speaker 4 When an adult says, I have to pee,

Speaker 4 I can't handle it.

Speaker 4 All right?

Speaker 4 I got to go to the bathroom. Just say that.
All right. Your kidneys make, you know, piss.
That's disgusting, though.

Speaker 4 Piss is crass.

Speaker 4 Pee is like, you know, you got to walk it off when an adult says that to you. You know, have you ever heard a guy say that to you? Hey, can you pull over here? I have to pee.

Speaker 4 I mean, he might as well have just given you like a back rub.

Speaker 4 Maybe it's not that bad. Anyways, they basically filter your blood so you can get rid of waste products like urea and ammonia.
Ammonia? Somebody trying to kill me? The fuck did I get some ammonia?

Speaker 4 I really need to know how this shit works, shouldn't I? As I'm heading into my 50s, by the way,

Speaker 4 drive for my 50s. I'm not going to drink until I'm 60.
I've decided that. I've made that decision.

Speaker 4 I know, I know. I'll never make it.
Anyways, when you are dehydrated, your kidneys make your pee as concentrated as possible to keep water in the body.

Speaker 4 Okay, what does that mean? When you are well hydrated, your kidneys let more water leave with the waste.

Speaker 4 Now, there's all kinds of electrolytes, but the most important ones are sodium, chloride, potassium, biocarbonate, calcium. Right here, this is me in high school.
I'm not passing this class.

Speaker 4 The second the teacher's writing this on the... Sodium,

Speaker 4 chloride,

Speaker 4 potassium. Stop writing!

Speaker 4 Biocarbonate, oh, that's over. And phosphate.

Speaker 4 Your kidneys have specific transporters to regulate the concentrations of each of these electrolytes in your blood. You know what I'm going to ask Paul tonight? I'm going to ask him.

Speaker 4 I'm going to set him up. I'm going to say, Paul,

Speaker 4 did you really feel better

Speaker 4 drinking the Gatorade afterward? He's going to be like, absolutely. A thousand percent.

Speaker 4 And I say, what does it do? It replaces, what does it replace? And he's going to say, electrolytes. And I'm going to say, Paul, what are electrolytes? And I guarantee you, there's no fucking way.

Speaker 4 He's going to be like, you know,

Speaker 4 it's the shit in your

Speaker 4 system.

Speaker 4 you know

Speaker 4 So you don't get like leg cramps You'll immediately have to go to the NFL and think about people like legs cramping up

Speaker 4 That has to be a name for that because I do that all the time like you can you can give

Speaker 4 an Informed answer while still not knowing what the fuck you're saying

Speaker 4 It's like what's his face

Speaker 4 Tony Romo said this guy has a high football acumen and I'm like what the hell is that?

Speaker 4 The fuck is a high football acumen? And acumen is having good judgment and quick, I don't know, quick decision making in a particular field.

Speaker 4 So it's kind of insulting. You know what I mean? He's saying, like, you know,

Speaker 4 he could be still saying this guy's a fucking moron, but if you get him on the football field, like, he knows this shit. He's like the rain man when he gets out there, right?

Speaker 4 So now that he said high football acumen,

Speaker 4 all the mouth breathers that watch sports like myself can,

Speaker 4 you know, you understand?

Speaker 4 There's like, I don't know what the word is, like you're the rhythm. You know where to place that word without actually knowing, without being able to give a definition.

Speaker 4 The only reason why I could give a definition is because I looked it up because I never heard it, because I want to make a joke on Twitter about it, right? Like, dude, it's his fucking acumen, kid.

Speaker 4 You're going to start hearing that in sports bars. And then you can replace high football, you can just any subject.
He has a high gardening acumen

Speaker 4 without ever looking up acumen.

Speaker 4 You know, you could just keep replacing the whatever, what is that, the subject?

Speaker 4 He has a high serial killer acumen.

Speaker 4 So I feel electrolyte is one of those words where you just keep watching the Gatorade commercial and it's telling you that it's helping to replace electrolytes.

Speaker 4 And,

Speaker 4 you know, and then enough times you're just like, yeah, you know,

Speaker 4 you're just repeating the advertising. You know what the fuck it means.

Speaker 4 Like, I know that Gatorade is thirst aid for that deep down body thirst. I don't know what thirst aid is.
It's aiding your thirst.

Speaker 4 Or is that just all one word? Gatorade, thirst aid.

Speaker 4 You know? You like when rappers do that, when they want to make something rhyme and they'll just take

Speaker 4 the suffix of another word and they just do fucking 10 words in a row like that? And you just want to be like, I always want to be all white in that moment. Like, excuse me, Mr.

Speaker 4 MC, those aren't words those aren't words you're you're inventing words it's weird because I know what they mean

Speaker 4 but those aren't words

Speaker 4 you will not get credit for that rap I'm sorry

Speaker 4 well not in my cul-de-sac you won't

Speaker 4 well there's no reason to get angry anyways let's finish reading this this is actually fucking interesting to me

Speaker 4 how much I don't know. Your kidneys have a specific transfer to regulate the concentration of each of these electrolytes in your blood.
When you work out, you sweat.

Speaker 4 Yep, four years of college taught me that.

Speaker 4 This kid's trying to be funny. When you work out, you sweat.
When you sweat, you lose fluids and electrolytes, especially sodium and chloride, which is why your sweat tastes salty.

Speaker 4 Now, when you're lacking fluids and electrolytes, your muscles suffer.

Speaker 4 And you point, yes, it's basically like a car leaking oil.

Speaker 4 Let's talk about why Gatorade or any sports drink works. Water will get into your bloodstream faster when it's part of Gatorade because water flows, follows electrolytes.
Gatorade has electrolytes.

Speaker 4 So it has salt and shit in there? Chloride, potassium. I know potassium's in like

Speaker 4 bananas, but I thought chloride was like some shit that either cleaned your your clothes or

Speaker 4 that sounds too much like chlorine. Like that seems like that would be poisonous.
Calcium.

Speaker 4 Calcium deposits on your teeth. I don't know what calcium is.
Calcium's in like fucking broccoli.

Speaker 4 Phosphate.

Speaker 4 Like photos. I would think phosphate is like, you know, when you turn the car on your garage, carbon dioxide and phosphate get into your system.
Well, actually,

Speaker 4 a too high level of any of these electrolytes could prove fatal theoretically.

Speaker 4 What your body is, is a symphony of balance.

Speaker 4 I'm not passing this class. When you work out, all right.
So I think I kind of know what the fuck this shit is. Well, I guess it's true.
I didn't think it was.

Speaker 4 Jesus, wasn't that a long, boring trip down the fucking nowhere? Anyway, so I get to Milwaukee.

Speaker 4 I finally got to see the bronze fons. You know, happy days took place there.
I took a picture that I'm going to tweet out later today of how how

Speaker 4 Richie and Fonzie are finally back together again before every cunt on Twitter goes, oh, yeah, you fucking look like Ralph Malf.

Speaker 4 I'd say more Ralph Malf, laughing my ass off by myself at my own joke that I wrote with my thumbs.

Speaker 4 I finally went to the Harley-Davidson Museum. Jesus Christ, you got to do that.

Speaker 4 You got to do that.

Speaker 4 This is how great Milwaukee is. I actually told people Milwaukee that I wasn't going to tell people how great it is, but I kind of have to because it's fucking amazing.

Speaker 4 because most people won't listen anyways, right? All the YOLO douches, you know, they're going to go to Chicago maybe,

Speaker 4 you know, go to a Cubs game, you know, their pop collar or whatever the fuck it is they do, but they're going to go to the, they're going to go to the party cities.

Speaker 4 If you're in your 20s, you're not going to Milwaukee, right?

Speaker 4 I don't know what they do. Wherever these fucking DJs play, that's where they're going.
They're going to Vegas, they're going to Miami.

Speaker 4 They're going to one of those places, right, where the bass never stops. Bam, bam, bam, bam.

Speaker 4 They have the Harley-Davidson Museum. They have my favorite fucking beer, the Miller Brewery Company, is right there.
You can take a tour of it. I wish I was drinking.

Speaker 4 I would have done that because they get you like, you know, borderline shit face before you leave. And

Speaker 4 they got the River Walk. Next time I go out there, I'm going out there during the summer.

Speaker 4 Milwaukee is basically Chicago with like, you know, fucking half the population.

Speaker 4 All the same stuff, all the same great views without the traffic. I love it.

Speaker 4 Then I

Speaker 4 the

Speaker 4 oh, Brian, the Monday morning Photoshop gentleman is from out that way, and he fucking let us know about some spots to go to. And it was,

Speaker 4 he told us about this place, Vanguard, which makes these fucking brats and sausages, and they were just next level. They were the best sausages I've ever had.
All right?

Speaker 4 To keep with the homoerotic theme of this podcast, right?

Speaker 4 We had the fister hotel we had a steam room and now i'm talking about sausage

Speaker 4 and evidently this is my favorite place to go so hey

Speaker 4 maybe i'll come out like kevin spacey i'm just gonna make sure i uh you know i can't eat yet this just this this is a very thin fucking line to walk there where the comedy exists at the end of the day you know it's just jesus fucking christ what is going on

Speaker 4 Anyways,

Speaker 4 where else? What else do I want to talk about?

Speaker 4 Yeah, so we just had the best time. And me, Verzi, and Bartnick just kept saying that.
Like, I fucking love this city. City is awesome.

Speaker 4 And I don't say this about a lot of places, but

Speaker 4 I could literally live there. My big fucking thing, though, is...

Speaker 4 Is I'm just really sick of living where my sports teams aren't.

Speaker 4 You know?

Speaker 4 I've been behind enemy lines as far as being a sports fan goes since 1995

Speaker 4 and

Speaker 4 you know

Speaker 4 recently I went back to Boston I remember I went back where the fuck I think I went to a Bruins game or something

Speaker 4 yeah I went to a Bruins game that's right

Speaker 4 I saw I was I did one day on a

Speaker 4 So when I did, I did one day on a movie. I can't remember.
I can't remember when the fuck I was there. I went there during hockey season.
That's what I remember. And

Speaker 4 I went to a Bruins game, and I'll never forget, I looked out the hotel window, and all I saw was a sea of Bruins jerseys.

Speaker 4 And I was just like, oh my god, I forget what this feels like.

Speaker 4 And that's the one thing that, I don't know.

Speaker 4 That would be the only thing other than I don't know if I could exist in this business living there in Milwaukee, but

Speaker 4 I don't know. It's fucking fucking fresh air.
I like it. I fuck, I don't know why.
I have no idea. All right, Bill, we get it.
We get it. All right.
Let's read a little bit of advertising here for,

Speaker 4 oh, you know what? Fuck that. Let's talk about the fucking Iowa Hawkeyes beating the fucking shit

Speaker 4 of the Ohio State Buckeyes. What happened? The Buckeyes had that huge win last week against Penn State.
I saw Jay Lawhead at the All Things Comedy fucking festival, and the man was literally floating,

Speaker 4 floating across the goddamn room. The man simply could not believe it.
Couldn't believe his good fortunes.

Speaker 4 He was saying that was probably the most impressive win of the college football season, and you would be very hard pressed to come up with an argument different, to different, you know?

Speaker 4 And then a week fucking later, they absolutely shit the bed again. I mean, I got the shit kicked out of them.

Speaker 4 If they didn't do that dumb fake punt, whatever the hell that punter was doing, man, it would have been like 55-17. They just shut him down in the second half.
It was unbelievable.

Speaker 4 And then Penn State loses again, too. So what does that mean?

Speaker 4 What does that mean? Meanwhile, Wisconsin's fucking undefeated.

Speaker 4 And everybody's going to be like, well, there's fucking nobody, there's nobody on the West. We got Michigan, we got Iowa State, we got fucking Michigan State, we got Penn State.

Speaker 4 It's like right? Well, you know what they got out west. They got the fucking Iowa Hawkeys.

Speaker 4 How cool did that stadium look?

Speaker 4 Whenever I watch Iowa, right, play football, I don't know why. I always think back when I liked Iowa when I was a kid, because there was a running back, Ronnie Harmon, that I really liked.

Speaker 4 And I brought it up to this guy when I was on the plane taking the puddle jumper over, and he brought up how he fucking fumbled four times in a rose ball or some shit.

Speaker 4 And I had no idea that I didn't even know that happened. And then there was this whole fucking scandal trying trying to say that he fixed the game because he had like never fumbled ever.

Speaker 4 And then he fumbled four times in the first half.

Speaker 4 I don't know. Maybe it was just a bad time to have a bad game.
But I never knew that about him. But he had a great NFL career.

Speaker 4 Rushed at like 8,500 yards, almost 10,000 yards.

Speaker 4 Played like 11 years or something like that.

Speaker 4 I don't know. Anyways, I'm getting off the beaten track here.
Let's do a little advertising here. All right, it's time.
Oh, here we go. Oh, zip.

Speaker 4 Oh, that's what I got to promote. This.
I am going to be in New York City.

Speaker 4 Okay? And I will be doing a special secret, top secret show that I'm not even promoting on my website. I'm just promoting here on my podcast.

Speaker 4 Unless, of course, we don't sell the place out, then we'll open it up to everybody else. But this, this is your reward for listening to my podcast, all right?

Speaker 4 I'm going to be at a new comedy club that's in New York City. It's called the Westside Comedy Club.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 you can make, I guess you can get tickets at their website, which is W,

Speaker 4 they're not live yet, so relax.

Speaker 4 All right, they're going to go live Monday, November 6th, which should be the day you're listening to this, even though I'm taping it on the 5th. Monday, November 6th at noon Eastern Time.

Speaker 4 And I will be performing at the Westside Comedy Club

Speaker 4 on Sunday, November 12th. So tickets go on sale Monday, November 6th.

Speaker 4 And the show is at 8 o'clock. It's Sunday, November 12th at the Westside Comedy Club, which is at 201 West 75th Street.

Speaker 4 And I think that's it. All right.
So

Speaker 4 check that out. It's a perfect size place.
It looks awesome. It's right next to the Beacon Theater.
It's a little 100-seat thing.

Speaker 4 I'm going to be doing about 40, 45 minutes trying out some new shit, shit, fucking around,

Speaker 4 having a good time,

Speaker 4 you know, keeping the hour tight.

Speaker 4 And that's it. It's a couple friends of mine that are owning and running the club from my days way back.
We're going back to like the Boston Comedy Club and that type of shit.

Speaker 4 So anyways, check that out if you got a chance. And is that everything that I want to talk about? I think so.
Can we go into the

Speaker 4 questions for the week? How long into this podcast? Oh, 39 minutes. Okay, that's perfect.
That is perfect. I think I could run my mouth for another.
Dude, what the fuck was LSU doing against Alabama?

Speaker 4 I know it's Alabama, but could they drop more goddamn passes? They actually had a highlight reel of them fucking up passes, blowing opportunities.

Speaker 4 I gotta be asking myself, how good is the Alabama Crimson Tide considering they're playing in a much weaker SEC than we've seen in years.

Speaker 4 Who knows? But I'll tell you why they're great. Because even though they were winning easily against LSU

Speaker 4 for most of the game,

Speaker 4 Nick Saban was still getting pissed, screaming, and yelling. He knows.
He knows. He sees enough drop passes.
He's like, well, if they caught that and they caught that, you know,

Speaker 4 this game could be this.

Speaker 4 You don't get credit because they dropped it. You get credit if you knock it down.
Then he feels like we're playing good defense. That is why.
That is why. That guy's the shit.

Speaker 4 But it will be interesting to see.

Speaker 4 Because Because a few weeks ago, it looked like Penn State was world beaters. Now they've lost two in a row.
Ohio State looked like they were coming on. Then they got the living shit.

Speaker 4 They got the living, there was alive shit in them, and it was kicked out of them. They got to feel a lot lighter after this past weekend.

Speaker 4 All right, let's do a little questions here for the rest of the podcast. All right, plastic surgery.

Speaker 4 All right, Bill, I watch your specials every single day. Jesus, dude, take a break.
I appreciate it. But, you know,

Speaker 4 you know, at some point, you're going to start hating me. It's not going to be my fault.

Speaker 4 All right. I have a wonderful time and I laugh to the jokes as if I've seen them for the first time.
I live in China, and YouTube is a bitch here. LOL.
Wow. Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 4 That's amazing. Good luck waiting for your new

Speaker 4 stug, S-T-U-G-G. I don't know what that means.
But, hey, what's up, person from China?

Speaker 4 When I was training to get my pilot's license, I flew with a bunch of your countrymen who came over here, barely spoke English, and then learned how to fly a helicopter.

Speaker 4 It was one of the most amazing things ever, because I don't think I could go to mainland China, right?

Speaker 4 I mean, you have an instructor. My buddy

Speaker 4 said to me, I go, they don't understand English.

Speaker 4 How do you communicate? And he said, they understand tone.

Speaker 4 Which is what I would understand if I was over there. And this guy went,

Speaker 4 screaming, I'll be like, all right.

Speaker 4 All right. Don't do what I just did.
Got it?

Speaker 4 All right, JFK files.

Speaker 4 Old Billy Root Beer float. Oh, I love a root beer float.

Speaker 4 I love a root beer float. I never get them because I don't want to be a fat fuck.
Oh, the Cowboys throw a pick six.

Speaker 4 Wow. Oh,

Speaker 4 was that a pick six no it wasn't

Speaker 4 they didn't throw a pick six that was actually an offensive play why did that guy look like a cornerback to me um

Speaker 4 how can is kansas city gonna do it this year everybody

Speaker 4 is andy reed finally gonna bring a team to the promised land and hoist the trophy it's up in the air this year um which once again look how bad the fucking giants are

Speaker 4 i i don't understand

Speaker 4 how you have a coach how you have a GM, how you have these guys in place that got you trophies, trophies, Super Bowl trophies, plural, and you get rid of them.

Speaker 4 It's like the Red Sox with fucking Theo Epstein and, you know, fucking Terry Francona. We get rid of those guys.

Speaker 4 And then literally there's a World Series with Theo Epstein's Cubs and Terry Francona's fucking Indians last year.

Speaker 4 You know, I just don't understand it. It's almost like morning radio.

Speaker 4 Like morning radio is another thing that I watch and I just see these great shows and the two hosts end up inevitably hating each other and then the great show goes away and I'm not just talking about the one that I did.

Speaker 4 It happens all the time and I think that that's just what happens. It's nobody's fault.
It's just,

Speaker 4 I don't know. The same way, you know, after a while, you're like, even though you have shirts, you want a new shirt.
I think people do that with like relationships.

Speaker 4 And that's what's so fucked up about marriage is it's that same goddamn shirt.

Speaker 4 And as much as you're looking at your wife going, that's that same old shirt, you got to understand you're a fucking old shirt too. All right?

Speaker 4 And the two of you have to hold on to each other until God takes you to goodwill.

Speaker 4 All right, JFK, so stupid. All right, JFK files, old Billy Root Beer float.
Oh, God damn it, I love a root beer float.

Speaker 4 I'm sure you have heard that the JFK files, or some of them, have been released. And as a fellow conspiracy theorist, I thought this might interest you.
Dude, they're not going to release anything.

Speaker 4 If somebody else really did it and they actually know who did it, then I could be like, all right,

Speaker 4 I think it's safe to tell you that the guy who really did it was not named Lee Harvey Oswald. His name was Larry.

Speaker 4 Fucking whatever, the Larry Fellowship.

Speaker 4 In one of the files, the CIA states that it planned bombings in Miami

Speaker 4 to kill innocent people so that they can blame it on Fidel Castro.

Speaker 4 Now that there is undeniable proof that the CIA isn't above killing

Speaker 4 innocents to get their way, does that change your views on any other conspiracy theories? I know how much you suck at reading, so I attached the link with the actual snippet of what I'm talking about.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I mean, I'd have to see that that was, you you know, you know, what's interesting? I just clicked on that, and all of a sudden, I'm not hooked up to the internet. How weird is that?

Speaker 4 I was hooked up into the internet until I tried to look at this fucking thing.

Speaker 4 Now, I'm basically taking your word that that's actually what happened. If that is, in fact, the case,

Speaker 4 okay, we could develop a communist Cuban terror campaign in the Miami era, in other Florida cities, and even Washington. The terror campaign could be pointed at Cuban refugees

Speaker 4 seeking haven in the United States. We could sink a boatload of Cubans en route to Florida, real or simulated.

Speaker 4 What the fuck?

Speaker 4 Real or simulated. In other words, they own enough, they could just say it happened, and how do people know it didn't? We could foster attempts on the lives of Cuban refugees in the United States,

Speaker 4 even to the extent of wounding in instance,

Speaker 4 what? Even to the extent of wounding in instances

Speaker 4 to be widely publicized. Exploding a few plastic bombs in carefully chosen spots.
Well, this doesn't sound like they're going to fucking kill fellow Americans.

Speaker 4 I think that they're going to kill Cuban refugees here.

Speaker 4 Exploding a few plastic bombs in carefully chosen spots.

Speaker 4 The arrest of Cuban agent and the release of prepared documents substantiating Cuban involvement also would be helpful in projecting the idea of an irresponsible government. Um,

Speaker 4 yeah, none of that's surprising.

Speaker 4 I mean, is that really surprising?

Speaker 4 If you just sort of fucking pay attention and just even just even remotely try to read between the lines,

Speaker 4 yeah,

Speaker 4 we're not as as good as we act like we are, but I'm also not going to then glorify Fidel Castro like he was this fucking saint. But,

Speaker 4 you know, I don't think it's crazy to say that, you know, we were more upset

Speaker 4 with Fidel Castro not because he was, you know,

Speaker 4 a communist. It was probably more because he wouldn't let us develop his country the way we saw fit.
And by we, I don't mean the average fucking person walking down the street.

Speaker 4 I'm talking about the corporations. And I don't think that that policy has changed, and I'm not going to get on a fucking stump here, but I don't think that that has changed at all.
And

Speaker 4 currently, that philosophy has bankrupted this country. And I don't know what's going to happen.
And that's all really heavy shit. And I,

Speaker 4 you know, I remember reading something that Jay Edgar Hoover allegedly said, even if they do figure it out, it's so fucking overwhelming and depressing, they won't want to think about it.

Speaker 4 And that's where I get to.

Speaker 4 So I just go to Milwaukee and I get a brat and I have a good time and I be the dancing monkey that I am. And I just hope that the lie is able to sustain itself.

Speaker 4 I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know what the fuck to do. I don't know.
Yeah, so that's great. So that's why I kind of backed away from conspiracy theory because

Speaker 4 you don't want to be right,

Speaker 4 Even remotely

Speaker 4 So anyways, let's get out of that. Oh, let's let's talk robot granted citizenship.
Oh my god out of the frying pan into the fire

Speaker 4 I would love to read the declassified CIA file on fucking

Speaker 4 what the hell they plan to do with robots

Speaker 4 I mean, there's no fucking way that they're not talking. Like, I always joke how they never discuss the population problem.

Speaker 4 They absolutely fucking do, but not to the general public because it would freak them out. Because I think at that point, you realize how overpopulated we are and how expendable

Speaker 4 you are.

Speaker 4 I mean, that's how I would feel.

Speaker 4 You know?

Speaker 4 How many stand-up fucking comedians? I mean, for the survival of humanity, do you really need another one?

Speaker 4 All right, robot granted citizenship. Greetings from Austin, you illiterate piece of shit.
All right.

Speaker 4 Well, hello. Hello to you and your fucking overpopulated fucking city.

Speaker 4 Keep it weird. You shouldn't keep it weird.
You should keep it weird by fucking

Speaker 4 preventing more people from moving to that great place and ruining it.

Speaker 4 I ran across this the other day and thought of your podcast. They gave a robot citizenship.
Her name is Sophia, and she was acknowledged as a citizen in Saudi Arabia. You know what?

Speaker 4 That's fucking great.

Speaker 4 That's fucking great because what they just did was they ended their country.

Speaker 4 That's over. The second is a robot becomes a citizen.
That is beginning. That is the beginning of the fucking end.

Speaker 4 The beginning of the fucking end of your goddamn, wait, was that a special teams fucking touchdown?

Speaker 4 I don't know what's going on. Anyways, that's the beginning of the end of your country.

Speaker 4 And considering from what I've read that these terrorist groups, for the most part, are funded through Saudi Arabia, sending money, funneling them through mosques,

Speaker 4 I think that would be a good thing. You know?

Speaker 4 Now, if we could just stop trying to build Starbucks over there and just fucking come home,

Speaker 4 you know,

Speaker 4 just walk away from it.

Speaker 4 Instead of being that degenerate gambler sitting at the fucking blackjack table waiting for the cards to turn around.

Speaker 4 All right, so they did this. Not exactly the best spot for a female human.
Oh, Saudi Arabia.

Speaker 4 Maybe they will be nicer to robots.

Speaker 4 Okay, this is scary. How goddamn creepy is that thing? I know this will freak you out, Bill.
Just fast forward to any point where the robot is talking. Yeah,

Speaker 4 I watched it. You guys got to see this video.

Speaker 4 And I love how the journalist acts like he's asking these hard-hitting fucking questions, as if these questions weren't written out for this fucking sell-out human piece of shit, which is what you have to say now.

Speaker 4 This human sold out other humans to this non-fucking human life form. What the fuck are we doing?

Speaker 4 He actually says, Well, how do we know that we can trust you or something like how do we know you're not gonna blah blah blah like just to like a like a comedy team just lobs the setup over and then the robot's like you're watching too much Elon Musk and Hollywood movies

Speaker 4 and everybody's like oh it made a joke oh I see it's friendly it's like it's not a person

Speaker 4 it doesn't have a heart it doesn't have a fucking soul that is a programmed fucking response all right and they're gonna have it have all these facial expressions to make you feel fucking cum

Speaker 4 that is uh

Speaker 4 that thing is is our replacement without a doubt. Without a doubt.
And I definitely think the robots are going to kill us.

Speaker 4 I don't think they're literally maybe going to kill us, but I think they will kill us off the way the car killed off, you know, the horse as a mode of transportation, which was probably cool for the horse because he's probably sick of us being on his back, right?

Speaker 4 But I don't think it's going to be cool for us because we will become obsolete. We will be

Speaker 4 the human version of a cassette tape

Speaker 4 when all the kids want iPods. And the kids will be basically whoever employs the CIA.

Speaker 4 All right, there we go. Woo! Isn't this fun? Isn't this fucking uplifting?

Speaker 4 How about those Kansas City Chiefs? Bread and Circus. All right, hot girl and coffee shop.

Speaker 4 I like the sound of this already.

Speaker 4 Old Billy Boozless. That's right, Billy Boozless.
Boozless, 80 days. We'll be 81 by the time you listen to this, unless I go off the rails tonight.

Speaker 4 Big fan of your stand-up and the podcast all the way from Glasgow, Scotland. Sorry, I'm yawning.

Speaker 4 All the way from Glasgow, Scotland. I'll cut to the chase.

Speaker 4 Glasgow, Scotland. That's where ACDC recorded their If You Want Blood

Speaker 4 live album.

Speaker 4 Right?

Speaker 4 In a venue that doesn't exist anymore because I tried to find it when I was over there. I'll cut to the chase.
I'm a 23-year-old guy who...

Speaker 4 who has recently graduated from college and moved down to London about five months ago to start a new job. All right?

Speaker 4 I am enjoying life in my new surroundings, and the girls down here are of another planet compared to back home. However, there is one, there is one,

Speaker 4 there is one four in particular who has caught my attention, and I'd like your advice on the best way to ask her out. The lovely Nia's advice is welcome.
She probably have a better

Speaker 4 idea of what to do here than I would, but she's not here as I'm in Green Bay, Wisconsin right now. All right, she works in a coffee shop near my work, and she is immense, immense,

Speaker 4 easily a 9.3 slash 10.

Speaker 4 I never have a problem with women, but 90% of the time I have had a few beers in me at the time and my confidence is at its peak.

Speaker 4 Can you give me any advice on how to ask this girl out, given that it's a small coffee shop in full view of the general public?

Speaker 4 We had some chat.

Speaker 4 Oh, that's good. So I was going to say, go in there and start talking to her.
And I'm 80% sure she's into me, but I'm shitting myself in case I get the rejection.

Speaker 4 And there's around 30 people there to witness it. Dude, fuck those other 30 people.

Speaker 4 What you have at your fingertips is a great story,

Speaker 4 no matter what happens. You either possibly meet the love of your life, right? Settle down, have kids together, and live happily ever after, or you have a hilarious fucking story.

Speaker 4 Dude, fuck that. The worst she can say is no.
Who gives a shit?

Speaker 4 Oh, dude, I'd ask her out in the middle of the meal. You know, just to make the awkwardness even further.
Just stare. Who gives a fuck? Fuck that, dude.

Speaker 4 If you can chat up women, it's not because you're drunk. It's because you got rid of that stupid voice in your head that says that you can't.
You obviously can.

Speaker 4 Alcohol doesn't make you talk to women. All right? It doesn't make you talk to women better.
What it does is it gets rid of your fucking fear. So you can actually, you know, perform.

Speaker 4 This is like some fucking uh john daly like he used to have a couple of chords lights so he'd relax more

Speaker 4 hit the ball further i'm not saying to go in there shit faced

Speaker 4 fuck i gotta go back to this kansas city touchdown it was a pass sorry anyways

Speaker 4 yeah dude just go in there

Speaker 4 dude fuck this you're the man she works in a coffee shop

Speaker 4 She's not splitting atoms. All right

Speaker 4 Just go in there. All right, Just go in there, Bill, just

Speaker 4 not even like fucking try to walk in like you're the man or you're some badass dude. Just fucking, like, block out that voice.
Anytime you hear that voice, it's gonna go great.

Speaker 4 Make her laugh.

Speaker 4 You know, and when she said, would that be all, just ask, ask her for a number.

Speaker 4 Dude, you know, you should ask fucking Joe DeRosa. One time I was with Joe DeRosa.
You want to talk about a guy fearless? I was with Joe DeRosa one time.

Speaker 4 We went out to breakfast, and the waitress came over, you know, and he's kind of checking her out or whatever and we fucking eating. We were eating our food and he goes, anything of that waitress?

Speaker 4 I'm like, she's cute. He goes, yeah, he goes, I think I'm going to ask her out.
And she comes back to the table. He's like, will that be all? And he fucking asked her out right in front of me,

Speaker 4 right? And she gave him his number.

Speaker 4 Now, if she shot him down, not only, it's like that story would have left.

Speaker 4 It's not either would just be like with you with a bunch of strangers. I could have sat there and laughed at him, which I wouldn't have.

Speaker 4 I wouldn't have laughed laughed at him, but maybe he would have thought that I did. He didn't give a fuck.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 4 I think you go Joe to Rose on this one.

Speaker 4 All right?

Speaker 4 Listen, what is the deal? You're attracted to her. You want her number to ask her out.
All right? So fucking do that. That's what you want.
That's the same way you handle your career in life.

Speaker 4 What do you want to do? Go do that.

Speaker 4 Who do you want to be with?

Speaker 4 You know, that's a different thing because they have a say.

Speaker 4 But you got to ask. That's it.
So,

Speaker 4 I don't know. I don't know what your deal is.

Speaker 4 If you're a funny guy, whatever your deal is, I don't know, whatever you're doing, it seems to be working because you're feeling a vibe like she's into you. All right?

Speaker 4 So just stop listening to that voice going like, oh, my God, what happens?

Speaker 4 Hey, what happens if she says yes? Think about that. All right? There you go.
All right. Mixed race relation.

Speaker 4 Oh, Jesus Christ. A lot of people think I'm an expert on this just because, you know,

Speaker 4 it's literally, if I fell off a bed. Hey, Bill, you just, you fell off a bed.
I need some advice on falling off a bed. I don't know how the hell I ended up in this relationship.

Speaker 4 I just met her and I liked her. I asked her out and

Speaker 4 I couldn't get rid of her. I didn't want to get rid of her.
Every time I ever thought about breaking up with her, when I was all in a panic of, holy fuck, I've been in with her for three months.

Speaker 4 Oh my God, the pressure, the pressure, all this pressure I was building up on myself.

Speaker 4 I would always picture her walking out of my apartment. Then even in the fantasy of getting out of the relationship, I would always run out to go back and get her.

Speaker 4 And then it took me about a good, oh, seven, eight years to realize, Bill, that means because you love her and you don't want her to leave.

Speaker 4 All right. Hey, Bill, you fucking alabastard bastard.
Alabaster bastard.

Speaker 4 You alabastard. Why did you do that? Hey, Bill, you fucking alabastard.

Speaker 4 I'm also a white guy who has just started going out with a smoking hot black chick. I have no idea what she sees in me, but who gives a fuck, right?

Speaker 4 She makes me happy, and I seem to be make her happy too. So it's all good until you go outside so on to my question

Speaker 4 as someone who's in a successful quote mixed race I don't know why it's in quotes mixed race relation I wonder if you have any insights or gotchas that might help my relationship last

Speaker 4 make make my relationship last

Speaker 4 and do you still experience any casual racism from the mouth-breathing morons

Speaker 4 I'll spell check this message and be careful to use correct punctuation too. So hopefully, if you do read it, you won't sound like a preschool toddler auditioning for Sesame Street.

Speaker 4 Thanks for the podcast. I listen to them every week and go fuck yourself.
I love how the punctuation is my fault still. It's still my fault.
I'm the victim.

Speaker 4 Do I have any insights?

Speaker 4 Yeah, this is my insight is that

Speaker 4 you two people are different than me and my wife because you're an individual. All right.
So,

Speaker 4 you know, it's not like, well,

Speaker 4 it's like when you watch the Discovery Channel, well, when dealing with the hippopotamus, there's an aggressive behavior when it's fucking partly cloudy.

Speaker 4 My advice is if you're with somebody and they make you happy, stay with them. If they don't, break up with them.
That's it. All right?

Speaker 4 And if you're in that situation right now and you want to break up with somebody, don't use the holidays as an excuse. All right?

Speaker 4 Just get out now.

Speaker 4 Just get out now. I'll actually tell you, it's better to do it right before the holidays than after.

Speaker 4 Okay? Because as much as you're going to fuck up their Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa,

Speaker 4 the new year comes. And with the new year, they'd be like, you know, I'm going to go to the gym.
I'm just going to get, forget about it. It was the worst year ever.
You know?

Speaker 4 If you fucking wait till after the holidays, and then boom, their year starts. You just fucked up their whole next year.

Speaker 4 Because people think in calendar years for whatever reason. All right, so getting back to you.

Speaker 4 I mean, what do you want me to say? Let's start listening to fucking Jay-Z.

Speaker 4 I will tell you this: when it comes to that shit,

Speaker 4 there is a still stay-in-your-own lane kind of thing.

Speaker 4 Just because you're with her, don't start saying,

Speaker 4 don't start using the expression woke.

Speaker 4 uh

Speaker 4 there's still

Speaker 4 you know i guess i can't give you advice there are things like that

Speaker 4 there are things like that

Speaker 4 that no matter how much she loves you you will immediately turn into an annoying white person

Speaker 4 um and yes racism doesn't magically go away because the two of you are now together but i will be honest with you It's just like if it wasn't racism, it would be something else.

Speaker 4 You know, I kept talking about Chicago and Milwaukee, and they kept booing Chicago. They didn't like Chicago.
So it's like

Speaker 4 people don't like their next-door neighbors. They don't like the people they work with.

Speaker 4 You know, football teams don't like coaches and GMs that won them Super Bowls. So if it wasn't that, it'll be something else.
And who gives a shit what other people think?

Speaker 4 You only go around once and you should be with the person you're supposed to be with. That's what I think.
All right, so have fun. Enjoy yourselves.
And that's it. All right.
First breakup.

Speaker 4 Hey, Billy Pink Dick.

Speaker 4 I don't know what is that for some cancer thing.

Speaker 4 Been listening to your podcast.

Speaker 4 I don't know what that means, but that's funny as hell. Been listening to your podcast for a couple years now and could really use your advice.

Speaker 4 I'm a 22-year-old college senior and recently have gone through a breakup.

Speaker 4 That's great. You got it done before the holidays.
Or she got it done. We've dated for six months and it was great.
She was my first girlfriend and my first love.

Speaker 4 She was even the first girl I ever had sex with. All right, so you knocked checked it all off.

Speaker 4 But as we neared six months, I began to worry about committing to a long-term relationship when I've never even had sex with another woman.

Speaker 4 My dick got cold feet. Rightly so.
Rightly so. Because as a guy, if you're thinking that shit, you're going to eventually do it.
So why hurt her? Anyway, so long after...

Speaker 4 So after a long talk, we decided to break up. I thought having sex for the first time was tough, but breaking up for the first time is horrible.
Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Speaker 4 I can't seem to get out of this funk. It's really hard not to miss her.

Speaker 4 What advice do you have for someone going through their first breakup? My friends and I have gone to a bar only once or twice since, and none of us have any game.

Speaker 4 We stand around the corner of the bar looking like meerkats. That's hilarious.
It's the last quarter of the game, and I'm down 10 points.

Speaker 4 I could use a motivational speech from Coach Ginger Pubes over here. Thanks, and go fuck yourself.

Speaker 4 All right, we obviously have a sense of humor.

Speaker 4 Here's the deal, dude.

Speaker 4 My advice when you're going through a breakup is rather than doing the guy thing and trying to block it out like it isn't happening, go through the sadness of it.

Speaker 4 All right, don't cry in front of your friends, but if you got to cry, cry it out of you, it's actually a healthy thing. Crying is a healthy emotion.
I finally figured that out,

Speaker 4 you know, when I haven't, you know, cried in almost 50 fucking years, so now it's like no longer like,

Speaker 4 I don't know. It's like a room that I walled off.
I mean, literally, a friend of mine has to die. I have to be at a fucking funeral.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 But anyways,

Speaker 4 don't run from the pain of it. Okay? That's what women do.
Women, when they fucking break up, they don't fucking run right off for the most part. They don't run right out and get into something else.

Speaker 4 They stay home, they watch sad movies, they listen to sad fucking,

Speaker 4 they listen to sad, oh my God.

Speaker 4 The Chiefs just did a potato sack race celebration dance.

Speaker 4 I was actually rooting for them this year. I was like, yeah, it'd be cool to see them maybe win it.
You know, the Patriots are as mediocre as they look.

Speaker 4 And I got to say, fuck that whole franchise.

Speaker 4 If not the whole state. I'm glad the St.
Louis Cardinals moved. I'm even going to take St.
Louis down. That was the.

Speaker 4 It's one of the worst things I've ever seen. Now, of course, show it again.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 4 Remember, like the Duncan contest when people were just out of ideas?

Speaker 4 It's just enough already. Just spike the ball like Gronk and go back to the sideline.

Speaker 4 Oh, boy. oh Jesus, ah, I gotta walk that one off.

Speaker 4 You know, when you gotta have like a fucking separate meeting with four of the teammates to get your end zone danced together, I mean, just, I don't know.

Speaker 4 Anyways, yeah, what women do correctly is they,

Speaker 4 when they're sad, they allow themselves to be sad. If they have to cry, they allow themselves to cry.
And you actually feel better after you do that stuff.

Speaker 4 It's when you ignore it and you push it down, it becomes this fucking weight in your chest or this fucking ball of shit in your head.

Speaker 4 You broke up with somebody and you're sad, so I would be sad. And then, as far as going out to a bar,

Speaker 4 you know,

Speaker 4 I mean, I don't know, how do you learn how to throw a football? The first time you throw a football, if you don't throw a tight spiral, do you just never throw one again?

Speaker 4 You keep doing it, and it gets better. You got to go out there and

Speaker 4 we used to fucking, we, oh man, we used to go this place, Daisy Buchanan said, I guess, is a legendary meat market on Newberry Street in Boston. And

Speaker 4 we used to, we used to just fucking,

Speaker 4 you went in there like

Speaker 4 it was almost like a stand-up comedy thing where you just went up and like deliberately tried to bomb to make your friends laugh.

Speaker 4 We used to go in there and just any dumb fucking thing we could think of,

Speaker 4 as we just kept doing it and doing it and doing it.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 it stopped being the way we got over the fear, because it is the fear of rejection, it's fucking brutal when you're young, right?

Speaker 4 So, what we did is we would hit on some chick while our other buddy could hear it.

Speaker 4 So, if you started bombing and she wasn't in it, you could then just switch over to trying to make your friend laugh by making even more of a fool of yourself.

Speaker 4 And then all of a sudden, rejection became funny. It didn't become this like, oh my god, is there something wrong with me? I want to run out of here

Speaker 4 uh dude you're young you're 22 years old

Speaker 4 you know

Speaker 4 you're

Speaker 4 i i i don't even know how to say it it's just like i would hit on every cute chick you saw you know i'm not saying to go out there and be a fucking man whore but you're single and

Speaker 4 I mean, college life, that's like the greatest fucking nightclub ever.

Speaker 4 Everybody's single. Everybody's young and good looking.
I mean,

Speaker 4 there's no reason. That's not the time to be shy.
Get over your shyness and just fucking throw it out there and see.

Speaker 4 Who gives a shit?

Speaker 4 The worst thing is that they say no, and you keep coming back. How many fucking times I bombed before I got to this level of being able to do my shit and dick jokes?

Speaker 4 All right. Anyways.

Speaker 4 Oh, God. Now they're just going to keep showing the potato sack.
They've shown it like three fucking times.

Speaker 1 Anyways.

Speaker 4 Well, you know what? I'm not going to be the crabby old man. Good for those guys.
And I'm going to keep rooting for the Kansas City Chiefs because I know there's long die-hard fans.

Speaker 4 They got that fucking great stadium.

Speaker 4 I'll walk that off and just say, you know what, Bill? The NFL continues to change and a new generation has come in and this is how they celebrate touchdowns.

Speaker 4 And don't be the grumpy old man oh you should just get the ball back to the ref I'm not going to be that guy all right great let's see a three-legged race next

Speaker 4 all right god bless them god bless them god bless dj music

Speaker 4 god bless the cia and whatever they're doing with the robots all right that's the podcast for this week um

Speaker 4 Go fuck yourselves, and I will check in on you on Thursday. I'm going to upload pictures of some of the shit that I did in Milwaukee and

Speaker 4 some of the Harley-Davidsons and all that type of shit. And I know there was something else.
Oh, the Pfister Hotel, the unfortunately named Pfister Hotel.

Speaker 4 I'll upload all of that shit. All right.
That is it. I'll talk to you later.

Speaker 3 What's up, everybody? And welcome back to the Anything Better podcast with your host, Paul Berzie, Phil Burr.

Speaker 3 We have Andrew Femlis out there in Beverly Hills. And guys, it is, I am sad to report.

Speaker 3 We are, as a show, we are sad to report that our own Jake the snake injury report guy uh got called to do something we don't know where he is but he will be back he's a healthy scratch he's a healthy scratch he's a healthy scratch he sends his uh condolences by the way dude i just took uh i just took a sauna that's why my face is all red i'm not ready about ready to have a heart attack well you look better that you look better than me i just got off of an airplane um

Speaker 2 anyway well let's let's be honest we're a mess this week no jake the snake my face is red you just got off a plane no here I'm a mess this year because I'm 13 games back.

Speaker 3 But you, you, my friend, you always give me props when I'm killing it, usually around this time. I got to give you props.
Bill Burr is going on six weeks without going

Speaker 3 under 500, dude. And he goes three and one again to get even against the book going into week nine or 10, dude.

Speaker 2 That's my brand. Billy, win some, lose some.
I'm 16, 16, and one.

Speaker 1 You're like... You're not going to win.

Speaker 2 You're not going to lose with me, paul no you won't i picked the thursday game last night i gotta tell you guys this oh here you my thursday night fucking theory

Speaker 2 division rivalry

Speaker 2 thursday night game north of five five and a half points take the fucking dog it's three days per preparation simple game plans everybody's fucking hurt ugly game That was last night.

Speaker 2 That game last night was fucking atrocious. It was atrocious, Paul.
They might as well have me me out there and let's let's let's not be crazy but like I had the I had the Raiders get nine points

Speaker 2 get nine points on a Thursday Paul they're they just got done playing

Speaker 3 I walked out of the comedy club I looked up and I saw first of all the uniforms on both teams were the best uniforms ever and the game was terrible for everybody said it was a bad game um yeah but it's funny you know it's funny Bill you're winning and you got a theory last year I was winning I go this is the theory but here's the thing you're in the mode right now.

Speaker 3 You're going to take your Patrick Ewing.

Speaker 2 No, dude, that is that is that is a fucking lock. I've won four or five games doing that.
Oof,

Speaker 3 don't do that. Don't do that.
Don't scare me like that.

Speaker 2 It's a fucking lock, dude.

Speaker 2 I, you saw it on the text thread last night. I go, nine points, division rivalry

Speaker 2 Thursday night. I'm taking it.
Dude, I ain't talking shit, Paul, until I lose.

Speaker 2 In other words, I'll shut up next week. Oh, I've been waiting for this week.

Speaker 3 I've been waiting for this you on the show for a year, at least a couple years.

Speaker 2 Dude, hey, my kids will, I can start, my kids are starting to watch sports now, which is great. They're asking questions.
They get it now. My son's like, I want to watch the hockey.
He likes hockey.

Speaker 2 My daughter, you know, I watched like, I watched the last 14 Blue Jays games. So now she's all into baseball.
Dude, I got them in the backyard. I start, they're right-handed.

Speaker 2 I started them as lefties. Nice.
So now my daughter's at school on both sides of the plate going, they're like, Are you left or you're right?

Speaker 2 She's like, Well, sometimes I do this, sometimes I do that.

Speaker 3 No, dude, you are Bill Burr is carrying the anything better.

Speaker 3 You are Patrick Ewing of the Knicks in the early 90s, just on the shoulder, taking them to the playoffs.

Speaker 2 Well, dude, no, no, come on, last four years, you would be up like six games. I'm, dude, what it is, Paul, is I am, I stayed the same.

Speaker 2 I just started slow, and then I had to come back just to get where the fuck I was.

Speaker 2 I'm still Billy, win some, lose some.

Speaker 2 I'm not putting on that Blue Jays home run jacket that you hate so much. I'm not doing that yet.

Speaker 2 I won last night, so I'm 1-0 already. So I'm happy.
We're taping this on Friday if you're watching.

Speaker 3 I got to tell you, going into the week, winning that Thursday game feels good. Oh, speaking of that, I got to announce this on the show, guys, if you don't mind.

Speaker 3 Speaking of the Knicks, I am doing my new podcast that I do with iHeartRadio, Will Farrell's company,

Speaker 3 Big Money Players, and iHeartRadio, Paul's best podcast.

Speaker 3 I am getting Jon Starks, legendary New York Knick Jon Starks is coming on my podcast this Monday, live at Gotham Comedy Club for the New York Comedy Festival, 7 p.m.

Speaker 3 One show. Me and John, I get to talk to Jon Starks this Monday night about the dunk on Jordan.
I get to talk to John. First of all, I just get to talk to John Starks at Gotham Comedy Club.

Speaker 3 Tickets are available, guys. Um, they, they, John's people, this came in last minute.

Speaker 2 Hey, he was in the middle of the day. He's filled out in a second, dude.
All those Knicks fans.

Speaker 3 Well, I hope so. But anyway, if you want tickets, they are available Monday night, 7 p.m.
for the New York Festival at Gotham. Me and John Starks.

Speaker 3 I'm excited to talk to him, dude, because I'm just going to be like, dude,

Speaker 3 I remember where I was. I was eating a Twizzler.
I was eating a Twizzler at my friend Vinnie's basement, watching him dunk. And when he dunked and did that lefty, it was like a delayed reaction.

Speaker 3 Nobody could believe it. I'm going to tell them that.

Speaker 2 Oh, Paulie full head of hair eating a Twizzler over Vinny's house. That's 100%.

Speaker 3 100% true. I had a Twizzler.

Speaker 3 We go, no, he just like it was just that shit. And I was like, dude, I was like literally, oh my God, 94, 93.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 that's one of the greatest dunks in NBA history. And that is the greatest dunk in Nick's history.
It's got to be.

Speaker 3 And, but you know what sucks is we lost the game.

Speaker 2 Don't go there, Paul. I want to talk.
Greatest dunks, NBA, and Nick's history. It's got to be that one.

Speaker 3 It is.

Speaker 2 It is.

Speaker 3 It is.

Speaker 3 So, guys, if you're around my life,

Speaker 2 Horace Grant and Jordan. Jordan comes in late.

Speaker 3 Jordan comes in late. It's Horace Grant and Pippin are like close to underneath.
And Jordan comes in, but he went like lefty.

Speaker 3 And if you watch it, if you watch it on YouTube, even the garden couldn't it's like it takes like one or two mississippis for everybody to register what they just saw and as he's running back people are going ape it's insane it's insane and you know jordan i'm gonna ask him i'm gonna be like did i'm gonna ask him this i'm gonna be like a john did jordan like after you because they're friends they golf and stuff i'm gonna be like did he ever say oh i was coming in late that ain't on me because that's that's what i think michael jordan said to him but if you guys want to hear that conversation got them monday night at seven paul's best podcast there you go um

Speaker 2 i feel like he realizes halfway through the play, he's like, oh, shit, he's going to dunk. So he just sort of made sure he was just sort of like,

Speaker 1 he's in it, but not in it.

Speaker 3 And when John is running back,

Speaker 3 he gets to like the foul line or the three-point line running back. And you can tell he knows I just did some shit.

Speaker 2 It's amazing.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 All right, guys. Well, here's the deal.
We don't have Jake the Snake. We obviously do know the gruesome,

Speaker 3 the gruesome jaden daniels arm was brutal dude here's the thing about nfl injuries bill they happen we know it but when you see the bone go the opposite way i can't deal with it that's one i can't deal with dude you know the limb the limb when the limb

Speaker 3 when the when the elbow goes up or the knee goes i can't that's the one i can't deal with

Speaker 3 yeah you know that's um at least it wasn't his throwing arm right yeah i don't yeah i don't think it was his throwing arm did you see the Joe Theisman thing? Because I didn't see it. Did you see it?

Speaker 2 I did not see that live, but they just kept showing it, though.

Speaker 1 And I remember

Speaker 2 Tuesday morning, everybody that saw the game, that's all they were talking about. It was a break and then a break.

Speaker 3 Ah,

Speaker 3 yeah.

Speaker 2 And then Lawrence Taylor getting up, going, calling him in.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's that's brutal.

Speaker 2 All right, well, Joe Theisman said he watched it once.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 All right, well, what are we doing? We went from Jon Stark's fucking dunk to

Speaker 2 this.

Speaker 3 John Stark's dunking on Jordan to this. So, yeah, so I guess as far as injuries,

Speaker 3 I think it's pretty much that and what it was last week. I mean, dude, a lot of quarterbacks down.
No Joe Burrow, no Jaden Daniels, a lot of backups.

Speaker 3 Bill,

Speaker 2 I love when there's a backup comes in. You're like, that guy's still in the fucking NFL? That's awesome.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 It's not a real compliment to the player, but I like it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, who was it? Gary Kubiak back in the day. I remember him.
Bubby Brister.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you just think like once they lose their starting job, you just don't track them. And then all of a sudden, you're like, what the fuck? Joe Flacco still playing?

Speaker 2 Marcus Mariota still playing.

Speaker 3 Marcus, Joe Flacco, dude, 20 years, I think.

Speaker 3 Not bad either.

Speaker 2 Dude, if Joe Flacco was in the military, he'd have those fucking lines going all the way up his sleeve,

Speaker 2 his NFL, his Hall of Fame jacket or whatever.

Speaker 2 Well, Bill. Anyway, Paul, Paul, I still, I still, there's time, Paul.
There's actually what you've just set the table for, Paul, is the greatest. And, you know, and Paul Versey has amazing comebacks.

Speaker 2 History shows that it ain't over till it's over.

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 2 you're down 13 and a half fucking games. If you

Speaker 2 on November, what's the day, the sixth, seventh,

Speaker 2 if you fucking turn this shit around, dude, dude,

Speaker 2 just to get even,

Speaker 3 I need a couple of 4-0s, dude. I need a couple, man.
I didn't get, I mean, I got two of them.

Speaker 2 Who alone would option the script

Speaker 1 if you did it?

Speaker 2 Oh, I want to tell you a 2025 Bet MGM story.

Speaker 3 This would be a documentary.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God, dude. We'd have to do the Rocky Music quote, just like, you can't win.
And then they start doing that bell sound.

Speaker 3 Dude, here's the deal. If I do that,

Speaker 2 I'm taking the Seahawks, you know, and just all of a sudden

Speaker 2 going on this run. Dude, you made...

Speaker 3 You made that amazing club soda Kenny thing.

Speaker 3 We got to make like a mockumentary like just for a comedy if i do this it'd be great play it before next year um all right well bill you are i believe you are up on the you are up on the clock you are crushing well i already picked first i picked my thursday game so now it's you i've already picked one so it's you it's whatever you want paul all right well i'm gonna tell you what i looked at this at the airport when i thought i was gonna have to do a recording And by the way, people are loving the show.

Speaker 3 Thank you all for watching anything better. I was at Houston last night, and I'm doing a meet and greet after a show.
And the guy goes, Hey, dude, you didn't get you.

Speaker 3 What's going on with the picks this week? I'm like, all right, buddy, I'm traveling. We'll get it tomorrow.
All right.

Speaker 3 And one guy goes, Paul, I'm still taking your picks. You've been so one guy was like, I'm still riding with you.

Speaker 1 I'm like, hey, I don't know.

Speaker 2 Dude, four years.

Speaker 2 I'm going to tell you this. You got a dynasty, dude.
You got a dynamic.

Speaker 2 Ben MGM is looking for their first win against you.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but now I'm the Cowboys who got rid of Jimmy Johnson.

Speaker 2 You know what I am? I'm the letdown game.

Speaker 2 They let me hang around. He's hanging around.

Speaker 3 They were like, we didn't know if the game passed Bill by, but he is back.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 3 You know what I'm going to do, Bill? I'm going to do something that

Speaker 3 the Indianapolis Colts lost last week. And I see this line, minus

Speaker 3 minus six and a half, and they're home. But you know what? I'm going against my homecoming theory here.

Speaker 3 I think that the Atlanta Falcons, I see the Colts taking a little dip now.

Speaker 3 I also want to see how Daniel Jones reacts to a little bit of, he has not, Daniel Jones has not had any kind of issues yet this year. It's kind of been shot.

Speaker 2 How's that offensive line? They still healthy?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I mean, listen, they're a good team. They're favored by six and a half.
They do protect them.

Speaker 2 But this is going to be the first time. That's the story.
That's the story in Indianapolis, wouldn't you say?

Speaker 3 that that offensive line all of a sudden he's got time he's a whole new guy well i'm gonna see we're gonna see daniel jones have a game for the first time with a little bit of being uncomfortable i think the atlanta falcons

Speaker 3 i think because the atlanta falcons lost a heartbreaker to you guys last week by one point

Speaker 3 I think the Atlanta Falcons might not win this game.

Speaker 2 Main defense put him in a position to win. We had two big turnovers.
I'll tell you that fucking kid, Drake London. Yeah.
That kid can play. That kid's good.

Speaker 2 That kid, that'll kid. He's good for a, he's good for a.

Speaker 3 And Penix. And I think Penix Jr.
is a good quarterback.

Speaker 3 I'm not saying the Falcons win this game, but boy, do I love the six and a half points. I'm going to take the Atlanta Falcons on the road getting points.

Speaker 2 I love that, Paul. I actually love that pick.

Speaker 2 Paul, I'm not going to lie to you. I don't see it past that Thursday game.
I don't see anything I like this week. Everything, every number is.

Speaker 2 I just love, dude.

Speaker 3 If this isn't the funnest thing both of us do in our lives, you just go, you looked at the thing and you just go, Paul, I'm not going to lie to you.

Speaker 2 Dude, I got to take you through how I fucking vet a coffee shop when I'm in a city I don't know. I got to take you through, Paul, like as an Italian, you're going to be proud.

Speaker 2 Sorry, Sicilian, out of no offense.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 I'm looking at that Bills Dolphins game. This has letdown game written all over it.

Speaker 2 Division rivalry, they're home. Am I really going to do that again? Am I really going to take the fucking Dolphins who quit on their coach?

Speaker 2 I'm going to think about that one for a second.

Speaker 2 Fucking hate the Ravens. I don't know who they are.

Speaker 2 Browns minus two versus the Jets. These are all fucking trap games.

Speaker 2 You motherfuckers. Patriots versus Buccaneers.
I mean, what's going to happen there, Paul? I have no idea.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say,

Speaker 2 is Kyler Murray still out?

Speaker 3 That's a good question. Hold on.

Speaker 2 He must be. Minus six and a half?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I think he's out. They got, what's his name? The guy that was on your team.

Speaker 2 Well, if this was draft day, I'm on the fucking clock right now. So I just got, you know what? Fuck this.
I'm going to take the Browns minus two

Speaker 2 against the Jets. But the fucking Jets got their first win last week.

Speaker 3 And they got the win, but then they just traded off

Speaker 3 some of their star players.

Speaker 2 And it's still only two.

Speaker 2 Who the fuck is the poor bastard playing quarterback for the Browns now?

Speaker 3 What's his name?

Speaker 3 Gabriel something? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Dude, being a Browns quarterback was like being, if you're the helicopter gunner in Vietnam, like your life expectancy. It's fucking brutal.

Speaker 3 That's a great one. That's a great analogy.

Speaker 2 Should they be drafting quarterbacks or a fucking offensive line? I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know why, Paul.

Speaker 2 I'm just going to take the Browns because I'm holding up the show.

Speaker 3 Dylan Gabriel is his name.

Speaker 3 You know what, Bill?

Speaker 2 Well, Dylan Gabriel. You know, he's got two great names, Bob Dylan and Roman Gabriel.
I like it.

Speaker 3 I think the Miami Dolphins get the kill shot in the head this week, meaning not only do they lose, but they lose bad. And I think it's the nail in Mike McDaniel's coffin.
Sorry to Dan Soder.

Speaker 3 I know they're best friends. Here's the deal.
I think the Buffalo Bills are hitting, are going to go on a run. I said it weeks ago.
I think they win the game by 10 or more.

Speaker 3 The Dolphins just aren't a good football team, and the Bills are. I'm going to take the points.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 4 I got Buffalo.

Speaker 2 All right, Paul, just to make it interesting, I'm going to take the Dolphins.

Speaker 3 Nice

Speaker 2 opposite reason. Just the exact opposite reason is everybody thinks that that's what's going to happen.
The Bills are going to go in there. They're going to win by fucking three scores or whatever.

Speaker 2 The fucking Dolphins, dude, I'm telling you, even when the Patriots were the Patriots, even though we're back a little bit, when we were the Patriots, Brady, Belichick, all of those fucking guys, those motherfuckers still beat us once a year.

Speaker 2 I don't know what it is about them, but the Dolphins, I think they have enough respect

Speaker 1 to give them a game.

Speaker 2 And nine and a half points. Tay Paul in this league, that's a lot of points.
I'll take the Dolphins nine and a half because, Paul, I don't see anything else in this week I like.

Speaker 3 Well, listen, I think this is our first head-to-head, and Lord knows you're the guy this year.

Speaker 3 Lord knows you're the guy this year.

Speaker 2 No, Paul, I'm 16, 16, and one.

Speaker 3 Dude, you started out 2-11 like me, and you turned it around, or whatever we were. We were 2-1.
And I mean, dude, we were bad. After week five, we were classically bad.

Speaker 2 I started right where everybody expected me to be.

Speaker 2 I have earned that nickname, Billy, win some, lose some. Paul, Paul, you're the guy, Paul.

Speaker 2 You know what you are right now?

Speaker 2 You're fucking Russell Wilson when he went to the Broncos. Like, what happened? This fucking guy was unbelievable.
The second he goes to Denver.

Speaker 2 What is going on with this guy?

Speaker 3 Well, you know what? I'm going to take for my next pick.

Speaker 3 Jacksonville Jaguars have disappointed me one too many times. I went with the long locks, good-looking Trevor Lawrence.
And you know something? I got burned every time.

Speaker 3 I like the Houston Texans getting a point at home. The game is basically a pick'em.
And when the game is a pick. Oh, wait a minute.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Speaker 3 Andrew, is C.J. Stroud playing or not?

Speaker 3 That's one thing I need to look at if C.J. Stroud is playing.
If C.J. Stroud is playing, I'm going to take the home team in a pick'em

Speaker 3 because I don't know who the Jaguars are. He's out.
He's out?

Speaker 3 Fuck.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 3 Well, now I got to think about that one.

Speaker 2 All right. I'll kill some time.
My favorite name in the NFL, C.D. Lamb.
That's a

Speaker 2 little school name. He could have played on the Cowboys with Billy Joe Dupree and fucking Drew Pearson.
C.D. Lamb.
That's, you know, that's when I could still remember football players' names.

Speaker 3 C.D. Lamb is such a cool.

Speaker 2 Once white guys started naming their kids like, you know, Dakota and Ravine,

Speaker 2 and black guys started being, you know, La Varicos or whatever the fuck it is. I can't, I just, the names are to a left.

Speaker 2 That, and then in hockey, when people from Finland started playing, Jesus fucking Christ, dude. Dude, did you see the Bruins? I've almost seen every game.

Speaker 2 I still don't know half the guys' fucking names. Dude, the names go all the way across.
There's always like 15 K's and T's and Vs.

Speaker 2 I can't pronounce any of them.

Speaker 3 Oh, our producer, Andrew Semlis, just wrote that Dak Prescott's name is Dakota.

Speaker 3 I did not know that.

Speaker 2 He's got to go by Dak.

Speaker 3 You have to. You can't be the Cowboys.

Speaker 3 Oh, no. His name is Rain.
No, his name is Rain.

Speaker 3 His name is R-A-Y-N-E. Rain Dakota Prescott is his name.

Speaker 1 Dude, Rain is kind of cool.

Speaker 3 It's raining touchdowns in Dallas.

Speaker 3 That's a good one.

Speaker 2 yeah also the the the the reign of a of a of an emperor there's a way to go with it oh

Speaker 2 his reign is over

Speaker 2 something that sounds like some hippie

Speaker 3 reign dakota press guy rain dakota

Speaker 3 yeah rain dakota mesa and then when he starts to retire when he retires the headline when he retires the reign is over his reign is over something like that i like that too um

Speaker 3 millions Millions in merch lost to that decision.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's a good point.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 All right. Well, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to think about the Texans while I do this pick.
I'm going to take Bill. I don't like to do this to pick.

Speaker 3 I don't like picking against your team, but

Speaker 3 I think the Buccaneers are coming off of a bye week.

Speaker 3 They're minus two and a half at home. Baker Mayfield rested his body a little bit.
I talked a lot of shit about Baker saying he wasn't making the throws. He had that horrible game.

Speaker 3 I think their defense is good. I'm going to take the Tampa Bay Buccaneers against your Patriots only because it's less than a touchdown and they're at home.

Speaker 2 It's less than a field goal, dude.

Speaker 3 I mean, I'm sorry, less than a field goal.

Speaker 2 Who's that coach down there in Tampa Bay?

Speaker 3 It's still,

Speaker 3 what's his name? The Todd Bowles.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's going to be an interesting game. I can see why he did that.
All right. My question, who's quarterback for the Commanders now?

Speaker 3 Mariota.

Speaker 2 Dude, do the fucking Lions ever cover?

Speaker 1 They're so

Speaker 2 giant fucking spreads, and they never fucking cover.

Speaker 2 They always think they're going to go in and fucking beat the shit out of them, and then they don't. Then you lay off them, and then they do it.

Speaker 2 It's like they're watching this podcast or something. Paul, I swear to God, this reminds me of fucking taking Algebra 2 and Trig.

Speaker 2 I saw summer school by the second week of September.

Speaker 2 I don't know why. I'm just going to take the fucking Seahawks minus six and a half, not knowing anything.

Speaker 2 And if that doesn't describe me as a gambler. The Seahawks are good, dude.

Speaker 2 Paul, I'm not going to lie to you. This feels like my first losing week.
It does.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Andrew, can you just tell me how to ever go out on a a date with a chicken you're like, yeah, this is, she's not, she's not going out with me again.

Speaker 2 This is what this feels like. This feels like

Speaker 3 no, it was, I'll be honest with you, it was always me going, I ain't going out again.

Speaker 3 In my delusional mind, she wants to be.

Speaker 2 Oh, you're delusional. All right, yeah.
Well, you know.

Speaker 2 Well, you're just smart enough to be stupid.

Speaker 3 No, you said, you said one of the funniest things any friend has ever said to me. You said, you're the dumbest smart guy I know.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, that was the Patrice thing.

Speaker 2 You saw.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Patrice would say that. Dumb, smart people.

Speaker 2 And you like totally get life in a way of somebody I've never seen before. And then out of nowhere,

Speaker 2 right when I believe in you, you will just say the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life. And I'm like, wait a minute.

Speaker 2 And then you immediately get right back on track with like this fucking amazing.

Speaker 2 amazing fucking life advice but that the thing you said it it hangs in the air for a second dude i'm not gonna lie lie

Speaker 3 I was talking to my therapist this week and she just goes

Speaker 3 she just goes you know you're like really intelligent right and I was just like hey watch me do math sweetheart I'm a fucking idiot

Speaker 2 no but no it's it's like

Speaker 2 you're really smart in shit that there's no like reward for

Speaker 2 I know what you mean like Paul Verse's not winning the spelling beat no Paul Verse is not on the math team no all right but paul versey uh gets life

Speaker 2 i don't know how you monetize that i mean obviously you're a amazing comedian i'm not i'm not talking about that i'm just talking about

Speaker 2 like dude you

Speaker 2 i remember one time i was talking to this actress on this movie

Speaker 2 and uh

Speaker 2 we me and me and uh me and pete davidson were doing impress we were doing a movie with him we were doing an impression of you

Speaker 2 And the actress goes, who is this guy? Like, I want to think like that.

Speaker 2 Like, we're talking like you were like, dude, is there anything better than a bag of chips with a sandwich?

Speaker 2 Dude.

Speaker 2 No, you get it, dude. The level that you appreciate.

Speaker 2 Shit that people don't pay attention to, sitting there by yourself, reading the newspaper with the wind blowing through the trees, you say, like the picture that you paint

Speaker 2 always reminds me of like, yeah, we are so lucky to be alive. Yes.
We are simple little fucking things. What am I getting so upset about? Whatever that is, Paul.

Speaker 2 Dude, you should be in a conference room in a fucking hotel with that fucking, that, that microphone that just goes in your ear like Janet Jackson, just uplifting people.

Speaker 3 Well, I just remember. Is there anything better than a fresh bag of chips with a sandwich?

Speaker 2 Well, the reason why...

Speaker 2 No, say it. Start yelling like that, that giant.
Who's that guy with that giant fucking head? He just yells at these fucking people losing in life.

Speaker 3 Oh, God.

Speaker 2 He's a motivational speaker and he's yelling at them like he's about ready to cut them.

Speaker 3 I think it's, is it David Goggins, the guy that runs like 200 miles?

Speaker 2 No, not that guy. He just, he looks like, it's like if you took a movie star and you made him like nine feet tall, so he became uncastable.

Speaker 2 Tony Robbins.

Speaker 2 Oh, Tim Robbins.

Speaker 2 Tony Robbins. Tony Robbins.
Tony Robbins.

Speaker 2 I saw a thing on one time, dude, That guy fucking chews people out.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I was like, is he motivating them or is he fucking motivating them to do what?

Speaker 3 No, that guy just like jumps in a fucking, he's one of those guys, like, he's one of those fucking guys that has a regiment. But

Speaker 3 I want to read something I wrote just because you brought that up. I wasn't being rude, looking at my phone.
But when you said that, I say, is there anything better than?

Speaker 3 Last night at one o'clock in the morning, East Coast time, midnight, Texas time, yours truly wrote.

Speaker 3 Just swear to God.

Speaker 3 Pickles on a burger or chicken sandwich make life better. It's just incredible.

Speaker 3 Dude, I had a Smash Burger at the club last night, a two-patty Smash Burger. Bill, the amount of pickles was so perfect, and you got pickle in every bite.

Speaker 2 It wasn't. I don't want to be Billy negative here.

Speaker 3 You're not a pickle guy.

Speaker 2 I'm not a Smash Burger guy. Oh, okay.
It's like somebody made you a burger, stuck it in their back pocket, and took a fucking bus ride and then handed it to you. The whole thing is a bun.

Speaker 3 No, no. This was a two-patty.

Speaker 2 I know. The two-patty is like half the size of what a burger used to be.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Oh, you like a thick.

Speaker 2 It's like economy.

Speaker 2 Economy on a plane used to have a little more fucking room. They smooshed it all together.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I see that.

Speaker 2 I see that.

Speaker 2 Can I give you how I'd vet a coffee shop real quick?

Speaker 4 Yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 This is the deal. All right.
If it's a chain, I'm in a city, like I don't know, I don't know shit. I don't, I don't got nothing.

Speaker 2 I'm swinging in the dark here, Paul. If it's a chain, fuck that place.

Speaker 2 Okay. All right.
If you go to the website and there's pictures of food before there's pictures of the coffee.

Speaker 2 Hold on.

Speaker 3 I can't. I can't lose this.
Hold on. I got to get it on my phone.

Speaker 2 My shit's going to die.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 Stacey, where's my charger?

Speaker 2 Okay, I got it, I got it.

Speaker 2 How the fuck would she know where your charger is?

Speaker 3 She knew, she knew, she said it's on the dresser.

Speaker 2 Really? That's amazing.

Speaker 2 How would she know where your charger is?

Speaker 3 I think

Speaker 3 no, I leave shit laying around, and then she goes, like,

Speaker 3 you know, what the fuck? You left this here, I put it on the dresser. That's why.

Speaker 2 Okay, go ahead. What's your regimen? All right.

Speaker 2 So here's how, okay. So if it's a chain, fuck that place.
If I go to the website and I see a picture of food before I see the coffee, fuck that place.

Speaker 2 If you use paper, if you use paper cups and you don't have any real coffee cups, fuck that place. If you offer a cappuccino and a latte in small, medium, and large, fuck that place.

Speaker 2 If you close in the evening, if you're still pouring coffee seven, eight, nine, ten o'clock at night, fuck that place. I love that one.

Speaker 2 If I actually love it,

Speaker 2 the first thing I see is some incredible latte art in a matching cup and a saucer, and there's no fucking food, and it's not a goddamn chain, and there's only one size for a latte, one size for a cappuccino, a flat white, or cortado.

Speaker 2 You know what the fuck you're doing, and I'm going there.

Speaker 2 I'm going there. It's just what it is.

Speaker 3 I love all of that. The only one that I would give a little pushback on, I don't mind the picture here or there.

Speaker 3 If the picture is like enticing and the chef or whoever wants you to see it, I don't mind that. But I like it.
No, no, no.

Speaker 2 If the picture, the first picture I see is food.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. I got you.
Yeah, I don't want to, you know, those coffee shops that fat people in Crocs go to?

Speaker 3 I got you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then they stand there with like whatever.

Speaker 2 They start the day, whatever they're eating, it's like you are taking an immediate nap.

Speaker 2 All of those, I don't even know what they're called, all of that shit behind the glass. It's all some version of a dessert, and you're starting your day with that shit.
And you just see them.

Speaker 2 You just see them, Paul. Yeah.
Those car, you know, the coffee shops where the guys are fatter than their girlfriends,

Speaker 2 and their girlfriends are whatever. Their wife already had a kid, and you're somehow fatter than she is? Fuck that place.

Speaker 2 Dude, there's no excuse for a man. You can't be more out of shape than your wife.
If she gave you kids and you're fatter than she is, there's no fucking reason for it.

Speaker 2 Walking around with bigger tits than she has. You can't do it, Paul.

Speaker 3 No, you can't do it.

Speaker 2 No, after what she's been through, to what she's been through, you're taking that shirt off and coming to bed, bringing that mess.

Speaker 3 She popped out three kids and you're worse.

Speaker 2 Oof.

Speaker 2 And what did you do? Fucking eight steak bombs?

Speaker 3 He'd be like, I'll tell you what I did make the fucking money. That's what I did

Speaker 2 All right,

Speaker 2 you know what sucks about being 57 is every every city whatever they make you're too old to eat it

Speaker 2 Like you go to Philly, right? You got to get a fucking steak and cheese

Speaker 2 A cheesesteak. Sorry.
A cheesesteak is a young man's game.

Speaker 2 I want to get a game.

Speaker 2 Oh my God, dude. If you just want to check out at 63 at my age, you just get a fucking cheesesteak.
It's called the steak and cheese in Boston. I don't know what they call it in New York.

Speaker 3 All right, I got one for you.

Speaker 2 What's up?

Speaker 3 Here's a question: if you totally gave up and didn't give a fuck if you dropped dead in the next two years and you just you were you didn't care if you turn into a 450 pound monster what are you eating on the daily like what's your like what's your

Speaker 2 eating i already know what i'm drinking and smoking

Speaker 2 no but i'm

Speaker 2 going back to bourbon and I'm smoking fucking three cigars.

Speaker 2 I'm just smoking.

Speaker 3 No, but I mean like eating like snacks and shit. What's your go-to? Like, are you a burger? Are you a cheesesteak? Are you like, what's your just like, would you speak?

Speaker 2 Paulie, I've been out in LA too long. I'm a breakfast burrito guy.
Okay, okay. The fucking breakfast burrito, Paul.
I'm telling you, there's nothing on the East Coast that fucks with it.

Speaker 2 I hate to say it. I had to throw the whole East Coast in there, so I'm not going to get accused of hating on New York again.

Speaker 2 I'm just saying, dude, the fucking breakfast sandwiches in Massachusetts, the bacon, egg, and cheese, it's just the fucking bacon, egg, and cheese is,

Speaker 3 it's just so basic.

Speaker 2 They don't even season the fucking eggs, dude. There's nothing on it.
You got to bring it home and fucking juzh that thing up.

Speaker 2 It's just something to stick in your fucking stomach so you're not hungry when you go to work. But dude, the fucking

Speaker 2 the breakfast burrito, and I got to tell you, dude, two of my spots changed management and they're not good anymore.

Speaker 2 Like, I got to the point, Paul, I learned how to make one at home that was like, you know, still mediocre, but

Speaker 2 you go to a good place, you know. Like, there's a place down the way from me,

Speaker 2 the tacos, tortas, all of that shit are just next level. And I feel bad.
You go in there and there's somebody like grandmother's in there making the tortillas, still making them like from scratch.

Speaker 2 You still feel bad because they always look miserable.

Speaker 2 they make them they're fantastic but you know she's fucking like you know 80 years old yeah

Speaker 2 just like

Speaker 2 walking in with my red face yeah you took me to that one trip the lady wasn't there anymore yeah i would do uh yeah i would probably do breakfast burritos um

Speaker 2 or any diner grand slam breakfast i'm a breakfast guy i'd be crushing coffees all day smoking cigars i'd be that guy i'd be that guy who has like his initials on the fucking collar.

Speaker 2 I'd just start dressing like, what's his face from hockey night in Canada? Don Cherry.

Speaker 2 I would be a dapper dude, old guy that's just about ready to drop every fucking book.

Speaker 3 Dude, I got to tell you something.

Speaker 2 I would go like I would be wearing my funeral suit, Paul, every day.

Speaker 3 I would go sandwiches. I'm a sandwich guy.
I would go chicken cutlet with the fresh moots and the red roasted peppers.

Speaker 3 You know, I would go, yeah, dude, I got to go to that, I got to go to Bradley Cooper's

Speaker 3 thing, man. Like, I got to get that cheesesteak, dude.
The cheese steak,

Speaker 2 it's incredible.

Speaker 3 Oh, dude, I got to do it, man. I got to do it.

Speaker 2 And then what's amazing is you can go eat it in Thompson Square Park that used to be all fucking junkies when I first came there. Like now it's like, I had no idea all of that stuff was in the park.

Speaker 2 But Paul, if I was on the East Coast, If I was on the East Coast, yeah, sandwiches. They don't do sandwiches right west coast.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 2 L.A.? No.

Speaker 2 No. It's just, it's anything bread, dope,

Speaker 2 you know, it just doesn't work out.

Speaker 3 That burger joint, that Bartnick, that burger joint that Bartnick used to take us to in Pasadena was incredible.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. That one.
Yep. No, the burgers are crazy.
Burgers are crazy good in L.A. Burgers, Thai food, Mexican food,

Speaker 2 steakhouses out there.

Speaker 2 chop houses in LA, fucking all of it is insane. Absolutely fucking insane.
And the coffee is unbelievable.

Speaker 3 And Dantana's is good, Italian food.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, no, no, Dantana's is great or whatever, but it's not like fucking New Jersey, New York, like the fucking...

Speaker 2 I mean, you can make a mistake in New Jersey and still get great, great Italian, like just like stumble into a place, like not even know about it.

Speaker 2 It's like, it's in like, I remember when I was working the Count Basie Theater out there in

Speaker 5 whatever the fuck that is in Jersey. And I just was like, you know, I'm going to stop in this

Speaker 2 strip mall, had like a little Italian like deli. And I went in there and I, I, I accidentally like went to the spot.

Speaker 2 Like every chick there looked like the Italian real housewife, you know, all fucking, you know, tanned up with the big titties and shit.

Speaker 2 And they just fucking do, they had the, they had the spread in there, Paul.

Speaker 2 Like you and you and Joe would have just

Speaker 2 stopped.

Speaker 2 And I was just, it was totally by accident. I wrote it down somewhere on my phone.
I had it, but it was like one of those places that

Speaker 2 they made everything fresh daily.

Speaker 1 And it was like, I was already living out in LA.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, they just don't do this

Speaker 2 with this. Like, they do that with Mexican food out there, but they don't do it.
You know, if I'm going to get Italian, Paul, I'm back your way.

Speaker 3 See, that's what I love about traveling. It's like I go to LA, I'll go get a burger.

Speaker 3 I'll go get the burritos. I'll eat Mexican food.
Then you come to me.

Speaker 2 You're a producer to get into a movie. You do LA shit.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 You know, I get to New York. I'm near the Port Authority.
I just hand my wallet to somebody. I just say, you know, I'm giving.

Speaker 2 You know what, Paul? I don't fight anymore.

Speaker 3 Wait, how many picks do we have left?

Speaker 2 Andrew, did Bill get all four?

Speaker 2 I got my four, and then we got the Monday night special.

Speaker 3 All right, so I got one more then.

Speaker 3 So,

Speaker 3 oh, oh, Bill, you took the okay, you took the Dolphins.

Speaker 2 You went Falcons, Bills, Texans, Buccaneers.

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 3 I went Buccaneers, but I didn't finalize the Texans yet because I asked you if you could tell me who was quarterbacking. Do you know who that is?

Speaker 4 I had it up a second ago.

Speaker 3 Come on, give me a good backup's name. Give me a good backup's name.
Come on.

Speaker 1 Let me know him. Let me know them.

Speaker 2 Paul, I have the Dolphins, Browns, and Seahawks.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you're getting a lot.

Speaker 2 Hey, Paul. Paul, no second date.

Speaker 3 No second date.

Speaker 2 Davis Mills.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude, we can't hear you. Davis Mills.

Speaker 3 Davis Mills.

Speaker 2 We can't hear you. We can't hear you.

Speaker 2 You can't hear me? You hear me now? No, I can't hear Paul. Can you hear me? Yeah, now I can hear you.
Davis Mills. Davis Mills.

Speaker 3 I don't know if I like Davis Mills, dude.

Speaker 2 Oh, dude, he puts the fear of God in defenses in the NFL.

Speaker 2 Second you know, Davis Mills is under center.

Speaker 3 Hey, the linebackers are going to be like, hey, Davis, is he open?

Speaker 3 I don't know, Bill. I don't like this, dude.

Speaker 3 I can't take the Giants. I can't trust the Giants.

Speaker 1 I got it. I got it.

Speaker 3 I am going to take away away the Texans because Stroud is hurt. I am going to take a team that is slowly surprising people and winning games.
And they are playing a bad team and they are at home.

Speaker 3 I am going to take the Caroline, our friend Joe Gonzalez, Joe G's, Carolina Panthers. I am going to take the Carolina Panthers minus five and a half at home against the hapless.

Speaker 3 paper bag over the head where it ain't.

Speaker 2 Dude, and the Panthers have a surprisingly decent record.

Speaker 3 Dude, they're winning. They're home.
Nobody's talking about them. These are two bad teams, but the Saints are worse and the Panthers are home.

Speaker 1 So there you go.

Speaker 3 I'm going to go Falcons, Panthers,

Speaker 3 Buccaneers.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you right now, Paul, if word gets out, the Panthers might send you some free tickets to that game.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute, somebody picked us?

Speaker 2 I love this guy.

Speaker 3 Hey, anything better? Bet MGM. They picked the Panthers for the first time.
By the way, we got to shout out Bet MGM, guys. We didn't do that at the beginning.
How dare I? Okay.

Speaker 3 Bet MGM, guys, the best sports book out there, the best lines. You guys know them and love them.
Me, Bill, Andrew, we've been with Anything Better for years and we love them.

Speaker 3 All you got to do is get your device right here and download the BetMGM app and put as little as $10 in your account and make your first wager.

Speaker 3 If that wager loses, if you lose the bet, you'll get $1,500 in bonus bets to have fun with. Okay.
Bet responsibly. They also use our code.
Our code is Burr. B-U-R-R.
Very easy.

Speaker 3 They also have the first touchdown deal, game, promotion, whatever. You pick a player to get the first touchdown in any NFL game.
If they get it, you win.

Speaker 3 If they don't, but in fact, get the second touchdown, you get your cash back. There you go.
It's that easy. Download.
As we always say, bet responsibly, have a good time with us. And there you go.

Speaker 2 Yeah, don't have something you need to, you know, tell your wife, hey, we got to sit down and talk. Don't gamble like that.

Speaker 2 Hey, listen,

Speaker 2 there's something I got to tell you.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, it's worse.

Speaker 3 He's crying. He goes, Verse was.

Speaker 2 We're going to divorce you either way, but there's no money I can give you now.

Speaker 3 But I just said some broad on the side.

Speaker 2 You could take the house.

Speaker 3 But he, Bill, he leans forward like this and he goes, Versey was good for four years. I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know what happened.

Speaker 2 You know why I said I got a promotion at work and that's why you were getting those minks and stuff.

Speaker 2 Got to be honest with you, I was just riding with Paul Versey. Who's Paul Verse?

Speaker 2 Who's Paul? Is there anything better than Paul Versey? Dude,

Speaker 3 I had a woman come up to me and go, We bought tickets because you made us like three grand this year.

Speaker 2 I swear to God,

Speaker 3 I swear to God, you serious? A wife said that to me. She goes, Dude, you made us so much money this year, we had to come to your show.
Hey, she's not a fan this year.

Speaker 3 Hey, that was an unfollow.

Speaker 2 Hey, I'm not coming to her city this year, okay?

Speaker 2 Maybe in December. We'll see.

Speaker 3 Hey, I think I'm going to sit Port Smith out.

Speaker 2 All right. Well, I'll tell you, dude, I love your picks this week.
I really do.

Speaker 3 Well, Bill, we have a pick to do now. You know what time it is.

Speaker 2 And dude, last thing that fucking get, tell me on paper how you don't take the Cowboys versus the Cardinals. That didn't make Kyler Murray's not playing.
Dak's having a fucking MVP year. None of that.

Speaker 2 He's throwing like fucking 9 million yards. Goes out there and he just shits the bed.

Speaker 3 I'm sick. It got me sick.
Fucking Cowboys did it just.

Speaker 2 Rain, Dakota, fucking Prescott did not show up. All right.

Speaker 2 It ain't him.

Speaker 2 That'd be funny to fucking talk about it. CeeDee Lamb's back.
I was sitting there going, Paul's going two and two.

Speaker 3 Dude, we should fuck with him when we go to the game. Nice game, Rain.

Speaker 3 Hey, Dakota.

Speaker 2 He gets enough shit, dude. The most thankless fucking job in the NFL is quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys.

Speaker 3 It is.

Speaker 2 You have to listen, Paul. You got to get shit from men that get Botox and wear cowboy hats.

Speaker 2 Like, what the fuck world are we living in? With a shiny new pickup truck,

Speaker 2 four-door with the four-foot bed, sitting there acting like they got a ranch and they're going back to an HOA condo.

Speaker 2 You got to take shit

Speaker 2 from those people.

Speaker 3 Dude, dude, I got to tell you this. By the way, I want to thank everybody who came out to Dallas and Houston the past couple of days.

Speaker 3 Dude, Wednesday night, I'm in Dallas, and there were two guys in the front, and one guy had like the buttoned-up shirt, like the

Speaker 3 collar with the buttoned up, and he had the jeans. And there was just something about him where he kept saying things.
He's like, So, you're going to talk about like he was doing stuff.

Speaker 3 But there was a guy next to him that just kind of,

Speaker 3 and long story short, I insinuated that they were gay and he was like doing this and that. And then I don't know why.
I go, This guy's going to, something happened. And they laughed.

Speaker 3 And this guy sets, and I go, This guy's going to fuck you in the ass, right?

Speaker 3 I go, I go, this guy's gonna fuck you in the ass. And the whole place is laughing.
Dude, then I find out

Speaker 3 that they were, there they are.

Speaker 2 Did you even pick it right? Did you get the top and bottom right too?

Speaker 3 I got it. The guy goes, dude, yeah, dude.
He fucking said it. And when during the meet and greet, he came up and he kept whispering.
He's like, yeah, dude, I fucking used to live in Philly.

Speaker 3 And like, I was just like, but dude, I went, and the other guy was clearly the girl. The other guy was like this feminine.
And dude, but when I said it, it was a joke, but I had like this.

Speaker 3 And people like, you know, that's true. And then he came up and it was really funny.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't know why this remind me.

Speaker 5 Back when I used to sell my DVDs

Speaker 2 after the show, this day dude came up. He's like, oh my God, I love you.
He put his arm around me. And then before he left, he got a free feel.
He rubbed my chest and then walked away. I was like,

Speaker 2 it's about four months to not feel it.

Speaker 3 Dude, you make a good point, though. Dallas dudes are one of two ways.

Speaker 3 Dallas dudes are

Speaker 3 either... Do we lose Bill?

Speaker 3 All right, we're back. We had a little glitch there.

Speaker 2 Right or

Speaker 3 no, you're right, though, what you said. And what I've noticed is Dallas guys, you got one of two, one of two different ways you get a Dallas guy.

Speaker 3 You either get the Dallas guy, like the guys guy, like the beard, and like, you know, and or you get a guy that's got like cowboy boots and like a little feminine.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 yeah,

Speaker 2 you have like the rancher Dallas guy, and then somebody who's trying to be on the voice.

Speaker 3 Real house husbands of Dallas.

Speaker 2 I love Dallas. Dallas and Houston.

Speaker 2 I'm a big fan of

Speaker 2 Houston, Texas, South Paw guitars, all lefty guitars my one of my favorite

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 this is my favorite guitar place in uh in the united states so that's the hardest thing when i go to houston is not to go there and buy another guitar i can't play yeah dallas and houston are i i love um all right bill you know what time it is it's time for you to sing buddy oh i'm gonna be on the voice right now let the monday night special

Speaker 2 win some money for you let that monday night special win a fucking bag of cash for you. All right, Paulie.

Speaker 2 All right. We'll get two of them this year.
Back to back.

Speaker 2 We win 0 for October.

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, oh for October. Let's fucking get them some money this week.
I think we're three.

Speaker 3 We've won three out of seven.

Speaker 2 Haven't we won three? Or no?

Speaker 2 All right, we're playing with house money at that point then. Well, whatever.
All right, let's get your fans some money, Paul.

Speaker 3 All right, here we go. We have the Philadelphia Eagles visiting the just-losing, recently tough-loss Packers, and the the Packers are home minus two and a half.

Speaker 2 I think the Packers just lost. Paul, let me ask you, does anybody know who these two teams are?

Speaker 3 Well, I know that there's a little weirdness going on with the Eagles every once in a while in the locker room, but they're still winning. And the Packers have a good team.
Packers are home.

Speaker 3 Lambeau Field,

Speaker 3 two and a half, though.

Speaker 2 Jordan Love, that's going to be a good game.

Speaker 3 Two and a half.

Speaker 2 I think they're both going to bring their A game.

Speaker 2 I think this game, Paul, I don't know shit. This is where I need Jake the Snake.
I would say whoever has more of their better players on the fucking field because they're evenly matched.

Speaker 2 I just need a nudge one way or the other. That's it.

Speaker 2 I think the Packers can hang with the fucking Eagles, but like if they have a big injury,

Speaker 2 they're going to... I mean, it's a two-point spread.

Speaker 3 I love the Packers. I think that there was an injury to the Eagles.
I don't don't know if he's back but i like the packers coming home off a loss i think they're a good team we should

Speaker 2 i like the pack i like jordan love too i do like the eagles though yeah and nick siriani i mean i that i love that guy yeah i do too

Speaker 2 he looks like he has problems sleeping too

Speaker 2 shut it off paul i like it off yeah

Speaker 3 I like Nick Siriani guy

Speaker 2 and he beat the Chiefs last year. So like, how do you not love the Eagles?

Speaker 3 More than beat them. Oh, Morden beat them.

Speaker 2 Oh, they called off the dogs. They called off the fucking dogs.
They were like, the NFL fans are on to us. Just let them play.
Oh, dude. Oh, did they get exposed?

Speaker 3 You called that one.

Speaker 3 I got to tell you, Bill, your playoffs, too.

Speaker 3 You had a rough regular season. You got it to like a little, you were like four games back, but then your playoff run was epic and your Super Bowl prediction.
And then this year, you start off better.

Speaker 3 You're back. You're coming, dude.
You're back.

Speaker 2 I'm back to 500, Paul. I am just an average guy.

Speaker 3 I got to get back to down under 10.

Speaker 2 Dude, I'm hurt. All right.

Speaker 3 Let's do it.

Speaker 2 You know what you like? You like the fucking Cowboys in 1994. 49 is warranted.
Then the next year you came back. You win it again.

Speaker 3 Dude, I'm going to tell you something right now. I may beat the book by four or five games this year.

Speaker 5 I'm not done, dude.

Speaker 3 I'm not. Once I get the break, I need the break.

Speaker 2 That's it. That's happening this week paul or

Speaker 3 or i'm gonna be down 20 in two weeks and apologize to everybody all right uh no it is what it is i gave you four years what do you want from me all right listen that paul i know paul versey doesn't throw the towel no

Speaker 2 talk until at least after thanksgiving it's got to be mathematically impossible before i start talking stop talking that's right all right

Speaker 3 i like the packers minus two and a half so we're gonna take that

Speaker 3 what are we gonna do You want to do that?

Speaker 2 Jordan loves to throw one.

Speaker 3 Jordan loved to throw one.

Speaker 3 And do we want to do, I hate to do it. Do you want to do Saquon to get one?

Speaker 3 Oof, because you know they're going to give him the rock from the five-yard line or closer every time.

Speaker 2 And he's healthy.

Speaker 3 And he's good. And he's coming off of

Speaker 3 a season high game.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 All right, guys. I always love when we do this.

Speaker 2 I love when we take a team and then we bet that the other guy on the other team, the star on the other team, is going to score against our team and somehow they're still going to cover.

Speaker 3 No, because they do that stupid tush-push, but if they, if they're five yards out, they give it to Saquon. So it's a safe bet because they're going to just give it to him.

Speaker 2 That bullshit fucking push-push, Paul. We're back to Dallas again.
Stay focused. Terrible.
Easy joke. Easy joke.

Speaker 2 All right. So, Jordan loved to throw one.
Saquon. All right.
So, no surprises so far.

Speaker 2 What's what's

Speaker 3 and no, and we got the game.

Speaker 3 We took the points,

Speaker 3 the spread.

Speaker 2 Okay. So there you go.
What's the over-under of Nick Siriani yelling at Packer fans down the tunnel after the game?

Speaker 3 No, after he did that, he changed. I think his wife was like, you look stupid.
Your wife, if you're a coach, your wife's got to say something to you, dude. When he did this, remember he did this shit?

Speaker 2 Oh, he did better than anyone.

Speaker 3 Your wife's got to go, what do you do? That looked terrible. My wife would be like, Paul.

Speaker 3 Or when he walked through the tunnel, see ya. Remember he said that to the Cheese fans? He walked through the tunnel and he looked up and he goes, see ya.

Speaker 2 But I kind of like that because all those fat fucks, like all those people, they take out their whole childhood or their week or their fucking loveless marriage.

Speaker 2 on the guy and you got to sit there for three fucking hours.

Speaker 2 He's a head coach in the nfl and you go out there and you just get like this that whole thing where you got to be a professional because you're on the field but if you're in the stands and you bought a ticket you can say whatever you want dude malice in the palace should happen once a week and you wouldn't believe how good the fan behavior would get your joke is so great you go well they came up there and it's true dude ron artist

Speaker 3 Ron Artest, when he, oh, I guess he's met a world piece,

Speaker 3 when that cup hit him, you just saw it.

Speaker 3 He just bounced up off the thing and ran in and just started swinging on guys that didn't do it.

Speaker 2 I know, yeah, he grabbed the wrong guy. I like that one guy who went out on the court and he starts squaring off with what's his face, who's like six foot nine, six ten, like he was gonna beat him.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 and you know, it was funny when you saw that big dude throw a punch, you're just like, You've you've been like nine feet tall since the first grade, so he like it looked like he was throwing a ball in like NBA, NBA players throw punches like they're they're trying to do that Dave Parker throw in the all-star game from the warning track.

Speaker 3 They can't. There's no accuracy.

Speaker 2 They miss each other. It's unreal.

Speaker 3 No, because it starts here and their arm is so long that their arms go behind their heads. Their arms go behind their heads, dude.

Speaker 3 Oh, dude. This was a fun episode.

Speaker 3 The only thing this missed was Jake the Snake. It's a fun episode.

Speaker 2 Jake the Snake's the heart of the show, though.

Speaker 3 Jake the Snake is just, there's something about that kid. If that guy doesn't give you a smile on your face, I don't know what will.

Speaker 2 You're not alive, Paul.

Speaker 3 But that's, that's the show, everybody. Yeah, check me out, Gotham, on the,

Speaker 3 on Monday at 7 o'clock with Paul's Best podcast with Jon Starks.

Speaker 3 Also, what do we got? We got Thanksgiving Eve. I'm going to be at Levity Live where I shop my Netflix special.
And I'm doing a theater in Connecticut on December 12th. I need to get people in there.

Speaker 3 It's December 12th, Newtown, Connecticut, Edmund Town Hall Theater. Get your tickets for that.
And

Speaker 3 yeah, and I'm going to be working some stuff out at old Uncle Vinny's down in Point Pleasant. I may get a piece of pizza this Saturday, Bill.

Speaker 3 I may go down there, run some jokes, and get a piece of pizza.

Speaker 2 I thought you were going to go, wow, I'm going to get a piece of ass down there. I'm like, Paul.

Speaker 3 Yo, dude, I'm going to Uncle Vinny's to work. I'm going to go.
I'm going to go to Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant to work out my jokes and work something else out. All right.

Speaker 3 Go to PaulMercy.com for all my dates. You guys,

Speaker 3 dude,

Speaker 3 I got two big, big numbers here. The Falcons, now the Falcons getting six and a half is not a big number.
But me and you, me and Bill going head to head, Bills, Dolphins.

Speaker 3 We're going to see if the Dolphins quit. That's going to be a good one.

Speaker 2 I love that Falcons pick, man. I hope so.

Speaker 2 Just the

Speaker 2 whole storyline you built for that game. I think you're on it on that one.

Speaker 2 All right. That's it, everybody.
Thank you for watching. Bet responsibly, and we will talk to you next week.

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