Homeless Freedom, Sandy Kofax, Old People | Thursday Afternoon Podcast 10-30-25

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Speaker 2 Hey, how the fuck you doing? What's going on? It's Phil Burr.

Speaker 3 And it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you.

Speaker 2 Ooh, I'm checking in on you from a fucking parking garage, dude.

Speaker 3 I'm underground under this fucking building, kid.

Speaker 3 Knocking this out. Bunch of bullshit to do, just like you.

Speaker 2 Just like you.

Speaker 3 I got a full day of fucking bullshit. None of which I want to do.

Speaker 3 How does that happen? How does that happen to your life?

Speaker 3 Like you just wake up, you know, it's your day.

Speaker 3 It's your day, but then there's just a bunch of shit. Yeah, you don't want to do it.

Speaker 2 I know you look at your schedule like

Speaker 2 I don't want to do any of this shit.

Speaker 3 I got something every goddamn slot of the fuck. I don't want to do this.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 3 And then one day you wake up and you say, you know something?

Speaker 3 I'm only going to do the shit that I want to do. Because these days,

Speaker 3 these days belong to me. And that is when you become homeless.

Speaker 3 They're the only people in the world that are out there doing whatever whatever the fuck it is they want to do every day.

Speaker 3 They want to fuck, I'm going to go to sleep right here on the fucking sidewalk. I'm going to take a nice four-hour fucking nap from right about now until whenever the fuck I wake up.

Speaker 3 That's the thing, you know, they're always doing these benefits for homeless people, and they talk about all of this stuff that they're going through, and we should all feel bad. But, you know,

Speaker 3 very quietly, you know, hiding in plain sight, they are living,

Speaker 3 They're totally in control of their lives.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 If we could just stop buying into the belief that having a house with a bunch of shit in it is some sort of like success.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God.
She just pulled in and opened a car door right near that fucking curb. And that was not her fault.
That fucking curb. Because it's on like a slope.

Speaker 3 Like the

Speaker 3 parking spot was on a slope.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 do you know what? She doesn't give a fuck.

Speaker 3 That's another great thing about women.

Speaker 3 There's a great bunch of great things about women, but one of the greatest things about them is they can open their car door into something, and it has no effect on their day. They just make that

Speaker 3 face, and that's it. That's all the emotion they got for that.

Speaker 3 I'd be like, oh, what the fuck, Bill, you fucking idiot? Or why is this curb this much higher?

Speaker 3 Like, it's literally like twice the size it would normally be.

Speaker 3 And she pulled in and she like, you know

Speaker 3 The level she just opened that door to that curb if she kicked me in the chest like that I would go back three steps before I fucking gathered myself and it barely registered

Speaker 3 Happy as a fucking clam with her clam, you know

Speaker 3 So I think we've learned something here, you know homeless people like I think I'm done doing benefits for them You think I don't want to take a fucking nap right now, you motherfucker. Look at you.

Speaker 3 Here's one thing doctors never say to fucking homeless people. You know, you need to get more vitamin D.

Speaker 3 You get plenty of sun, buddy. Is that what you get from the sun?

Speaker 3 Mr. Sun, sun, Mr.
Golden Sun,

Speaker 3 please shine down on my encampment.

Speaker 3 That is one of the things, you know, I was watching the World Serious there, as Bugs Bunny used to say. And how about those fucking motherfucking Toronto Blue Jays?

Speaker 3 They got Donnie Baseball one game away. Don Manningly.

Speaker 2 Last night's game.

Speaker 3 First pitch of the game.

Speaker 2 Right there, Fred. Boom.

Speaker 2 Left field bleaches.

Speaker 3 Right? And then who comes up next?

Speaker 3 Who comes up next? Vladimir fucking Jr., right?

Speaker 3 Guerrero Jr.

Speaker 3 Second pitch he sees right into the goddamn seats.

Speaker 3 Three pitches, it's already two to nothing, but then it just stayed that way for a while. And I thought there was a chance the Dodgers were going to claw back in.

Speaker 3 And then the Blue Jays just had one of those fucking innings. And the Dodgers actually, you know, a lot of passballs.

Speaker 2 It's kind of weird. Like that 18-inning game,

Speaker 3 like...

Speaker 3 Some of the worst base runnings I've seen, like people trying to stretch a double into a triple or try to go to first to third on a single to right, just just getting gunned down, third baseman waving people around there.

Speaker 3 And dude, they were big, perfect throw, perfect throw, and the catcher then had to go thousand one, thousand two before the guy even got to the plate.

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 3 that was a strange game, but anyway, they came back, they won both games, and now they're going back for game six,

Speaker 3 and that uh

Speaker 3 that wizard, that Japanese kid, is going to be on the mound for

Speaker 3 the Dodgers. He has six different pitches.
Somebody was saying like, you know, if he fucking had,

Speaker 3 you know, if you just have three pitches, you can dominate a game. This guy has six different pitches, and they all come from the exact same place when he throws it.

Speaker 3 I mean, what are you supposed to do with that?

Speaker 3 I think that kid's going to throw a gem.

Speaker 3 And it goes to game seven. And then everybody's just going to be...

Speaker 2 If you even fucking

Speaker 3 like scratch your ear as a pitcher, they're going to take you out of the game.

Speaker 3 They're just going to fucking bring everybody in. Everybody's throwing.

Speaker 3 Everybody's going to be throwing. Kershaw's going to get in, the whole fucking thing.
It's going to be a seven-game classic.

Speaker 3 That is my prediction. And you know what? We're all going to sit there and watch it in our houses with our dishes and our fucking cable, whatever the fuck you have.

Speaker 3 And then meanwhile, there's just going to be like

Speaker 3 homeless people just walking around living their best life

Speaker 3 doing whatever the fuck they want to do you know what's another great thing about fucking

Speaker 3 being homeless day drinking

Speaker 3 day drinking no one to answer to

Speaker 3 you know you don't have to sign a fucking prenup to hang out with another fucking homeless person

Speaker 3 This is what we're gonna do, people. You know, it's a really fucking negative time out there.
We're gonna spin everything positive today

Speaker 3 upsides

Speaker 3 upside of being homeless

Speaker 3 okay no refinancing no mortgage no interest

Speaker 3 no nothing

Speaker 3 you think those fucking guys are gonna get the real ID you think when people get microchipped that fucking homeless people

Speaker 3 all of those people that you drive by and you feel better than

Speaker 3 And you tell them to get a fight, that's a fucking movie right there. Everybody gets microchipped except for the homeless people.

Speaker 3 And then the homeless people all get together to save the society they don't want to participate in.

Speaker 3 Have some big fucking speech, you know?

Speaker 2 They may have homes, but we have freedom, right?

Speaker 3 Bring fucking Mel Gibson back.

Speaker 3 Running down a fucking exit ramp instead of over a hill.

Speaker 3 I love like

Speaker 3 like whenever they show like whenever they do a movie about like homeless people and stuff like that for some reason it's it's always very like

Speaker 3 you know

Speaker 3 i don't know it's very like braveheart like they always have people like you know with like clubs and all of this type of shit and just like yeah okay there's people down there swinging two by fours absolutely There's definitely pallets of wood on fire.

Speaker 3 But there's also some Air Jordans. There's some uptowns.
They're not clean, but you know, let's not get crazy.

Speaker 3 People aren't down there wearing the fucking ankle-high sandals and having a Captain America shield. Okay, they're homeless.
They're not from the fucking Middle Ages.

Speaker 2 Okay?

Speaker 3 And, you know, as much as Hollywood

Speaker 3 is out there fucking with the images of different races and sexualities and all that, nobody ever seems to stand up for the homeless.

Speaker 3 How come every homeless person looks like they're in escape from New York in a Hollywood movie?

Speaker 3 Haven't you ever seen somebody begging going like that guy must be like newly homeless

Speaker 3 because he is dressed like he almost has an apartment?

Speaker 3 You get free cable,

Speaker 3 free cable, looking over people eating on a sidewalk, just staring at the fucking TV behind the bar. There's another upside of being homeless.

Speaker 3 you don't get any spam.

Speaker 3 Nobody asking you to vote for something.

Speaker 3 Do you think they give a fuck if this orange-headed flim flam guy giving Gingers a bad name gets a third fucking term? They don't give a fuck.

Speaker 3 Alligator Alcatraz would,

Speaker 3 that's like you and I going down to Margaritaville.

Speaker 3 And I usually think homeless people, the only people that could jump into that water and the alligators would leave them alone. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 You know like animals just know like they don't drink out of stagnant water. They're not eating a homeless person.

Speaker 2 Okay?

Speaker 3 That's street meat to them. They're not fucking with that shit.
They want fine dining. Somebody that was yanked out of a home.

Speaker 3 With children crying. That's that's what they want to eat fucking world we're living in.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 3 Another upside of being a homeless person. Like, what's like all the homeless people in Florida, you never hear any of them getting eaten by an alligator.

Speaker 3 Who always gets eaten by an alligator? Some kid jumped out of a car running from the cops, right?

Speaker 3 Nice brand new pair of fucking sneakers on.

Speaker 3 Just gets fucking eaten. Homeless people never.

Speaker 3 You know what it is about homeless people and alligators?

Speaker 3 There's an understanding.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? Like, you ever see the alligator when he just sits there and he's floating on the water and he's got birds in his mouth, cleaning his teeth? And he never eats the birds.

Speaker 3 There is a fucking, there's an understanding. I don't want to get a toothache.
So I'm going to let you do.

Speaker 3 I'm going to let you do what you do.

Speaker 3 Shout out to anybody who owns a fucking G-Wagon.

Speaker 3 How that motherfucker doesn't tip over.

Speaker 3 Look at this guy backing up. He's got the nice fucking pipes on it.
He's looking at his phone at the same time.

Speaker 3 He's putting his fucking music on.

Speaker 3 He's probably going to talk to me because he's looked at me like three fucking times. I can't tell if this is going to be a, can you give me directions or I like your truck?

Speaker 3 It's going to be one of the two.

Speaker 3 And then across the way, you just got a guy getting into a fucking late 2000s Prius.

Speaker 3 And you know what all three of us have in common? We're not homeless.

Speaker 3 We're not homeless. And I know that that guy who just pulled in is going in to go do some shit he doesn't want to do.

Speaker 3 This guy who just pulled out in his Prius, just got done doing some shit he didn't want to do, on his way to more shit he doesn't want to do. And this is his moment.

Speaker 3 This is his moment. He's in the car.
He's going to put the song on he wants to listen to. He's going to fantasize that he's in the band.

Speaker 3 And that chick who broke his heart comes back to him

Speaker 3 and sucks his dick. I mean, who can't relate to that?

Speaker 3 You know, who can't? A homeless person, because he's living or she's living their best fucking life.

Speaker 3 If you had to be homeless, like, what vehicle would you pick?

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? You wouldn't want a G-Wagon. First of all, you couldn't, that's too much panhandling.

Speaker 3 You know?

Speaker 3 I would say a station wagon, but you want the back windows tinted so when you take your nap during the day, because as a homeless person, you sleep during the day.

Speaker 3 You sleep during the day, because at night it becomes thunderdome.

Speaker 3 Okay? Sun goes down, two by four comes out. That's how it works.

Speaker 3 Sun comes up, everybody stands down.

Speaker 3 Just like the birds and the alligators, there is an understanding. And I think that that's what the theme of this podcast is today.

Speaker 3 Having an understanding.

Speaker 3 There is an understanding.

Speaker 3 There is an understanding that when a fat guy is a baseball fan,

Speaker 3 he's not going to buy a jersey that fits.

Speaker 3 Okay? He's just going to buy one that he never buttons.

Speaker 3 He's going to wear it like a jacket.

Speaker 3 You know?

Speaker 3 Because they don't mass produce the Cecil Fielder size jersey. You got to get that custom order, right?

Speaker 3 And if you have the money for that, you're sitting in the box seats. And if you have money for box seats, you're not wearing a jersey.

Speaker 3 You're wearing like some sort of elevated like

Speaker 3 Brooks Brothers shit.

Speaker 3 You know that shit that white guys wear that just like never questioned,

Speaker 3 just never questioned their position, you know?

Speaker 3 Like dockers, is this what we're doing? Fuck it. Dockers, no loafers.
Let's do it.

Speaker 3 Join a fucking country club. Absolutely.
Hey, how you hitting them? Oh, yeah, yeah, you're probably picking your head up. And they just fucking just unexamined.

Speaker 3 You know?

Speaker 3 But with a mortgage.

Speaker 3 As opposed to a homeless guy who just lives an unexamined life with no mortgage. I mean, that's basically

Speaker 3 those are essentially your two options as a person. You can live an unexamined life with a mortgage or an unexamined life without a mortgage.

Speaker 3 Guess what? Homeless people don't know about the Great Barrier Reef is dying. They don't know a fucking thing about it.
They don't give a shit.

Speaker 3 If you told a fucking homeless guy,

Speaker 3 Do you want to sign this petition to save the Great Barrier Reef?

Speaker 3 All he's doing is looking at the clipboard, going, I could burn that and stay warm tonight.

Speaker 3 I swear to God, if one more comedian asked me to do a fucking benefit for the goddamn homeless, I swear to God,

Speaker 3 I'm going to hand them a list of the upsides.

Speaker 3 You want me to do a benefit for someone without a fucking mortgage?

Speaker 3 I just had to redo my fucking kitchen because I bought a house that was a flip, and the second it's done, I come back to my house and a fucking pipe bursts, and water goes all over everything.

Speaker 3 I just fucking had put it in, and I'm doing a benefit for somebody.

Speaker 2 He doesn't have a house, hey, fucking

Speaker 2 congratulations.

Speaker 3 Congratulations, you don't have a fucking house. That means you don't have neighbors.

Speaker 3 You don't have property lines, you don't have property taxes.

Speaker 3 You know, the roach guy isn't coming around to spray cancer in your yard just to make sure you get sick.

Speaker 3 How come they don't look into that, huh?

Speaker 3 How come people don't get up in arms about that?

Speaker 3 I know. I've learned a lot over the last month.
Okay? Sell them arms, sell them cheesecake, do not tell them jokes. Got it.

Speaker 2 I got my mind right, boss.

Speaker 3 Do not bring people together. Make them fat or give them something to blow other people up with.
And god damn it, you're in good standing.

Speaker 3 You're in good standing

Speaker 3 with the people that air quote care.

Speaker 3 Anyway, speaking of that, I'm putting together some fucking dates before I forget how to do stand-up, but

Speaker 3 I've been having a good time.

Speaker 3 I'm not having a good time taking this fucking time off. All my fucking demons are coming back.

Speaker 3 You know? All my demons are coming back, and all I'm looking at is fucking homeless people going, you know what?

Speaker 3 That doesn't look so bad.

Speaker 3 Doesn't look so fucking bad. What do we got here? This is some sort of station wagon next to me.
I'm going to say that's a volvo.

Speaker 3 You know what it is?

Speaker 3 Nice champagne-colored fucking volvo.

Speaker 3 Not too big, not too small.

Speaker 3 You know what that car says? It says, well, you know what?

Speaker 3 I think it is going to be okay.

Speaker 3 I think everything is going to be all right.

Speaker 3 I just got my truck back from getting serviced. I was driving it, right? And it just kept making this fucking rattling noise.

Speaker 3 It sounded like there was a lug nut inside of the hubcap, and I couldn't, I've been talking to you guys about that. Turns out the

Speaker 3 part of this, not the steering linkage, not the steering assembly, part of literally down by the wheel when you, maybe it is part of that.

Speaker 3 I don't know what it is. I got on the truck and he showed it to me.
And my truck has never, I think it has always needed that. Like the pin came out.

Speaker 3 And, you know, there's still bolts and stuff, but it was definitely rattling. It was loose or whatever.
So they did one on both sides. They had this great mechanic.

Speaker 3 And, you know, they don't make this stuff. He said the pin is being machined.
So these guys,

Speaker 3 they're artists. And

Speaker 3 my truck, I swear to God, right now, is a fucking daily driver.

Speaker 3 It's older than I am. I was born in June of 68.
This truck was made in March of 68. according to the VIN number.

Speaker 3 And I got the dry ice cleaning underneath it. So the underneath of the the truck looks brand new

Speaker 3 everything is just fucking up to date and they've done such a great job that I can actually say this out loud like everybody who owns an old car you never say how great it's running because then that that's a fucking wrap but

Speaker 3 I can actually say

Speaker 3 with full confidence that

Speaker 3 this truck is running fantastic.

Speaker 3 All right, I got some bullshit I got to do for the next hour, and then I'm going to do the final 10 minutes of this.

Speaker 3 Okay?

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 3 I want you guys, you stop giving homeless people money.

Speaker 3 The next time a homeless person asks you for money, I want you to stop and be like, What do you need money for, you lucky son of a bitch?

Speaker 3 You think I don't want to sit down right now with my dog with the sign?

Speaker 3 Guess what?

Speaker 3 I got something you have, and it's not an apartment or a house.

Speaker 2 It's called Bills.

Speaker 3 I'm running on a fucking wheel right now, and you're sitting there with your goddamn toes on the sidewalk.

Speaker 3 Tell you what, I'll give you some money

Speaker 3 if you just admit

Speaker 3 that it's not all bad being homeless.

Speaker 3 Nice 72-degree day.

Speaker 3 Somebody gave you a 20.

Speaker 3 You got a bacon, egg, and cheese.

Speaker 3 You're sitting on a park bench.

Speaker 3 And you're watching everybody scurrying around in the Matrix.

Speaker 3 And you're eating that fucking bacon, egg, and cheese.

Speaker 3 And your little cartner, OJ.

Speaker 3 And you feel like a god.

Speaker 3 Every once in a while.

Speaker 2 I don't know. All right.

Speaker 3 I'll be back. Okay, and I am back.

Speaker 2 Um

Speaker 3 Jeez, what a day. Jesus Christ, what a fucking day.

Speaker 2 Um

Speaker 3 Anyway, let's let's get what the fuck was I even talking about you know what's funny is I went I went into my thing and that girl who opened the fucking door into the curb was in the building

Speaker 3 and She was talking super loud on her phone and her mother told her to stop three times and she finally got up and walked out into the hall. It was fucking hilarious.

Speaker 3 Anyway, so I'm watching the Dodger game last night, and who do I see sitting fucking ringside? Sandy Koufax,

Speaker 3 who I told you guys this, a long time ago,

Speaker 3 I was at Caesar's Palace, and Pete Rose, the late great Pete Rose, was signing pictures. I'm looking at him right now.

Speaker 3 There were these two pictures. I'll tell you what he wrote.

Speaker 3 It's the 75 and 76 series.

Speaker 3 And both of them have him diving headfirst without a helmet

Speaker 3 into third base. 1975.
I said, one, he's playing the Red Sox, one he's playing the Yankees.

Speaker 3 So he wrote, Billy, I'm Sorry, Pete Rose, 1975 World Series MVP.

Speaker 3 And I remember when I asked him to write, I'm sorry, he looked at me like fucking his eyes got like, you know, all competitive. And he goes, I go, can you write, I'm sorry?

Speaker 3 And he looks at me and he goes, I'm not. I go, I know.
know i go dude it's a joke it's a joke and then

Speaker 3 with the yankees one in 76 he wrote bill you're welcome pete rose 1976 world series yankees zero reds four

Speaker 3 sweep four games tonight because i said yeah you came back and you beat him in 76 and he was like swept our asses so anyway i asked him

Speaker 3 me and my friend we asked him who was the toughest guy he ever faced and he goes why don't you guess so we you know we guessed all the guys from his era all the power pitchers, you know, Drysdale, Gibson, and so forth.

Speaker 3 And he was like, nope. And he said, Sandy Koufax.
And we said, really? And he said, yeah. And he imitated the ball coming in from the right and coming in from the left, dropping off the table.

Speaker 3 So anyway, so I'm watching this guy. And

Speaker 3 I'm thinking, Jesus Christ, this is what I hate about smartphones. I'm watching the game, and all of a sudden I'm going, how old is this guy? I look it up.

Speaker 3 He's either 90 or he's going to be 90.

Speaker 3 And then I was thinking, like, well, shit, how many people are alive from the 55 Brooklyn Dodgers? He's the only guy left.

Speaker 3 Have they ever asked an older person, what is that like?

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Because you got that thing where, you know, when you're younger, you want to live forever.

Speaker 3 And then I've seen this with a few old people that I've known.

Speaker 3 When you outlive all your friends,

Speaker 3 like anytime like you see these people like on the news and they're like a hundred something years old

Speaker 3 Like everyone in their high school graduating class is dead.

Speaker 2 How fucked up is that

Speaker 2 That's got to be like such a weird

Speaker 3 Just a weird feeling

Speaker 3 You know to be just picturing all it's already like becoming now like I'm watching you know I I watch a lot of old movies.

Speaker 3 And when I was growing up, you'd watch a black and white movie, and there'd be some dead people in it. Now I'm watching color movies, and like half the cast is fucking gone because, you know,

Speaker 3 they've had color movies my whole fucking life. And I'm just like.

Speaker 3 I'm like, why the fuck am I doing this? This is depressing. I'm watching the World Series.
It's a great.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you what Sandy Koufax doesn't do is probably think about that every goddamn day and that's why he made it to 90.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 3 Anyway,

Speaker 3 I don't think I have any reads this week

Speaker 3 or this Thursday, I don't. But I'm gonna be putting together doing some more like warm-up shows or just sort of keeping my

Speaker 3 keeping my

Speaker 3 act

Speaker 3 where it needs to be through the holiday season there. And then I go, and then old Billy's back to touring,

Speaker 3 touring the states or wherever the fuck I'm going to be.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 3 gonna have to take a fucking old man nap here. Yawning here.
All right, that is the podcast, everybody. Thank you so much for listening.
I hope you guys all have a great weekend.

Speaker 3 Ya Kants, and I will check in on you.

Speaker 3 I will see you. I will talk to you.

Speaker 3 I'll help you through getting through the 45 minutes on an elliptical on Monday. All right, I'll see you.

Speaker 2 Is this on? Is this all right? Here we go. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne.
It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday.

Speaker 2 Monday, yes, October, what's today? The 28th, 29th, the 30th. It's going to be the 30th.
This is my first live one ever. I'm sitting on,

Speaker 2 at the very best, a very metro sexual couch.

Speaker 2 This looks like a lot of guys blew other guys on this thing.

Speaker 2 This is sort of the reverse W hotel, the way they have this thing.

Speaker 2 Like the W hotel, it just looks like everything's been jizzed on, and that a bunch of YOLO douches had a threesome there or something.

Speaker 2 This looks like, is there like a gay chain of hotels that just caters to gay people?

Speaker 2 You know, see, this is why this is going to be weird with the live crowd, because to me, that was no big deal. Everybody got real quiet there, like that was a problem.
Is he trashing gay people?

Speaker 2 Is he saying that there should be segregated hotels? No, I am not.

Speaker 2 Okay? I'm just saying that it would be nice if you could separate them from the general population in the hotels. Okay? That's what I'm running on.
I'm going to out-hate Trump and fucking

Speaker 2 whenever the next stupid election is going to be. I'm going to out-hate him.
I'm just going to start calling him a pussy and I'm just going to fucking I'm going to hate even more than him.

Speaker 2 Then I'm going to get elected and then I'll tear down whatever part of the wall he made.

Speaker 2 Which I know is a hot-button issue here in Arizona. Oh, yeah, they should have the wall.
Oh, they shouldn't.

Speaker 2 That's what I would run on a platform.

Speaker 2 I would run on a platform that gay people should have their own hotels.

Speaker 2 I'm so sick of walking into lobbies, seeing men holding hands with other men.

Speaker 2 It just started off on something bizarre like that, just so I can watch my opponent going, wait a minute, I never even thought about hating this.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 Why won't Hillary Clinton go away? Why can't she just

Speaker 2 understand that nobody likes her? She's just fucking hanging around just like that fucking kid who just shows up, like nobody tell her there's a party, and then she shows up, you know?

Speaker 2 You know what happened with her? No one ever poured blood on her at a fucking prom.

Speaker 2 That's what they should have done to finally fucking get rid of her, you know? She just keeps hanging around like she's a winner. You know?

Speaker 2 Did Jim Kelly hang around after losing four fucking Super Bowls? He didn't.

Speaker 2 He fucking disappeared, and every once in a while, an NFL crew finds the fucking guy and goes, Hey, Jim, let's talk about your career. Yeah, I don't want to.
I really don't want to.

Speaker 2 I did have a great career, but all you want to dwell on is the negative.

Speaker 2 Oh my God, she's just, she's just, she tries, you know,

Speaker 2 she's going to fucking, she's going to take volume. You still can't hear it?

Speaker 2 What

Speaker 2 louder

Speaker 2 All right, this was the dumbest for you guys listening at home who can hear this totally fine There's like 500 people staring at me right now bitching that they can't hear it So I'm holding a microphone with a yellow windscreen and a little fucking lapel mic All right As far as I can tell, only the foreigners for some reason can't fucking hear me.

Speaker 2 Everybody has some sort of Australian accent. Louder, sing out!

Speaker 2 These fucking people, foreigners coming in. What the fuck did you come here for? To tell us how fucked up our country is?

Speaker 2 I love when people come here and they start bitching about this country. It's just like, damn, I don't do that when I go to Australia.

Speaker 2 Talk about how fucked up your country is that only around the edges is it livable.

Speaker 2 It's fucking unbelievable. If you can't see the ocean, you're just completely, you're in no man's land.
No man's land.

Speaker 2 200 of the most poisonous fucking snakes ever. Do I say that when I go to Australia? No, I don't.
I just go, oh, look at the surf. Oh, my God, it's gorgeous.
Absolutely beautiful.

Speaker 2 Look at that sad tan guy blowing into that giant horn.

Speaker 2 I bet he used to own this view way back in the day. I bet his ancestors did.

Speaker 2 What is the call on that? You know what I mean? I never understand. Like when I was in fucking Canada, the rule was,

Speaker 2 what did they say? Like, I called them the

Speaker 2 natives, natives, the natives of Canada, and they got all fucking offended. They said, we're called the originals.

Speaker 2 The original. Everything with Canada, the original six, the original people, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 The original recipe of whatever fucking syrup they're trying to sell you.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I'm telling you, everybody loves Canada like they're a bunch of friendly people. They're not.
They're all a bunch of fucking racist, sticky people.

Speaker 2 And they're in a bad mood from yaking that sap out of the fucking trees and then what do they do they kick all the indigenous people all the way up north you know to give them a perimeter between them and the polar bears that's what happened you know

Speaker 2 you ever see any of these big hollywood types talking about them meryl straep you know

Speaker 2 i don't know i picked her i'm still pissed at her that she said the martial arts are not the arts oh really

Speaker 2 What would you know about that? Oh, I get it. You wear a wig and you pretend to be other people.
By all means, let me listen to you about social issues.

Speaker 2 You get in your fucking goddamn car to go back to your gated community

Speaker 2 when does she ever see minorities huh when she

Speaker 2 looks into the front seat of whoever's driving

Speaker 2 by all means Meryl tell me tell me what society is like from behind your gated community

Speaker 2 Somebody told me today that it's it's there's legislation right now going through, I don't know, where does it go through, the government?

Speaker 2 right now I'm thinking the schoolhouse rock songs right I'm just a Bill yes I'm only a Bill

Speaker 2 and then it's off to the White House with a something something

Speaker 2 and then it comes back to a bunch of white men and they vote to see if it will be a law um

Speaker 2 how I hope and pray normally I wouldn't sing in public but I feel like I'm in my bedroom I have plush furniture like this in my bedroom Look at that one with the fucking overhang.

Speaker 2 Sorry, did this go out again?

Speaker 2 Sorry.

Speaker 2 Sorry. I'm sorry to each and every one of you, especially the millennials.
I'm sure you're fucking heard about it, and you're going to hashtag some sort of me too.

Speaker 2 Me too.

Speaker 2 I couldn't hear either. Me too.
Me too. I also had something bad happen.

Speaker 2 Hey, here's something you can say in this country. Three fucking meals a day.
Me too.

Speaker 2 Me too. First world country.
Me too.

Speaker 2 Flat screen TV. Me too.

Speaker 2 Everybody dwelling on the negative. These fucking feminists, man, I swear to God, I want to go to one of their events and just get up to that microphone and just be like, excuse me,

Speaker 2 is there anything good about being a woman? At any point during your day? And you're like, thank God I'm a woman.

Speaker 2 Or I would have had to step in that muddy, that mud puddle, whatever the fuck I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to take my fucking coat off, you know?

Speaker 2 I have a little more respect for these feminists when they care a little bit more about guys' jackets. You know?

Speaker 2 It's always a fucking issue that they care about, you know?

Speaker 2 And in the 70s, we were forced to wear clogs, and a lot of our mothers blew out their ACLs. I gives a shit.

Speaker 2 I'll listen to a feminist, but not if she's white. You know what I mean? It's like, you know, I won't.
Okay, at the end of the day, you're a white woman in the United States of America.

Speaker 2 What is the problem? Huh? Did someone take away your rosé for the afternoon?

Speaker 2 Did they shut down the fucking trolley down at the mall?

Speaker 2 What is happening in your world? No, seriously. All right, look, if you're living some honey boo-boo lifestyle, right? You're living off the Appalachian, somebody got rickets and Lyme disease, right?

Speaker 2 Husband never wears a shirt, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 He just wears that long underwear with the trap drawer behind the back, you know what I mean? You know, he's going out when he puts on his best overalls, right?

Speaker 2 Those guys have it right. Those guys know how to live out there.
If you truly want to get along with a woman, you got to live right off the Appalachian Trail.

Speaker 2 You know, you got to be off the grid, and you just have to have no television, okay? And then you can slap her around all you want, and she's never gonna know.

Speaker 2 This is just how it is.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? If you have a dirt floor, like taking a beating is not the big, it just seems like part of your life. It's like seamless.

Speaker 2 The worst thing we ever did for women is linoleum and like wall-to-wall carpet. Then we lost all of our power.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you've seen it when Twitter first came out women were just hashtagging whatever you say

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 now somebody's going to take a snippet of that and put it on a fucking news show, and then I'm going to get in trouble. Are you trying to say that women deserve to be beaten on dirt floors?

Speaker 2 And at that point, you just got to go with it. Just be like, yes.
And I'm running for president in fucking 2020.

Speaker 2 And don't even get me started. with the gays in the hotels.

Speaker 2 That's right. You run the most hateful hateful fucking campaign ever.
You don't wear the Confederate flag, but all of your suits, if you look quickly, have all the colors of it. Right?

Speaker 2 And then in the end, you just totally flip the whole thing.

Speaker 2 You flip the whole thing. You have an openly gay guy as a fucking like sitcom level gay.
You know what I mean? Not like real gay, like TV gay. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 TV gay. It's kind of of like when you watch wrestling, how they enhance their personalities.

Speaker 2 That's what they do with gay people on TV. They got to just go fucking through the roof with the sass.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Rather than just having it coming out surprisingly every once in a while.

Speaker 2 I don't know what I'm talking about. It feels like, what does this feel like? How long have I been doing up here? Oh, 10 minutes and 48 seconds.

Speaker 2 There you go. This is my world.
This is my life. This is what I do.
This couch is not. This couch just feels feels like it was made out of old coats.

Speaker 2 Like a couple of old tarps or some shit like that. I hate how it's trying to be plush.
This was considered like, right here, this was considered fancy in the 70s.

Speaker 2 If I could just get this lapel mic up here.

Speaker 2 Anytime there was a button that was sunk all the way in it to try to make this look plush, you know, even though it feels like fucking weak old bread that you're laying on.

Speaker 2 Honey, all I want is the

Speaker 2 this is what I literally have have to do. I have to fucking put the mic down here.
It just won't clip on in any fucking area

Speaker 2 that is acceptable. Now the people at home can't hear it.

Speaker 2 Probably because I clipped it onto the.

Speaker 2 This is like the biggest lapel ever. There we go.
Jesus, looks like a bumblebee. I thought it was supposed to be like barely noticeable, isn't it?

Speaker 2 All right, you know what? I don't give a fuck. Let's read about some.
Let's look up some Phoenix news here. Phoenix news, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's see what's going on in Greater Phoenix.

Speaker 2 You know what this show is reminding me of? Do you guys remember when cheers went off the air and Jay Leno tried to do it live and the whole cast got shit faced? Do you remember that?

Speaker 2 And he had nobody to talk to?

Speaker 2 Fuck it. We'll do it live.
All right, let's look up. Phoenix News.
All right, what do we got here?

Speaker 2 All right, update. Woman critically injured in West Phoenix shooting has died

Speaker 2 Let's see. Woman shot, killed in Phoenix early Saturday morning.

Speaker 2 Standard, that's standard. Okay.

Speaker 2 Homeless man beats CVS worker for sunblock.

Speaker 2 That's a new one.

Speaker 2 Suspect is designed.

Speaker 2 Is described as looking like if Che Guevaro fucked a lizard.

Speaker 2 Phoenix police arrest suspect in deadly shooting. What is going on out here? Stolen truck from Phoenix captured on speeding.
Why don't they have anything nice? Phoenix, wedding invitation.

Speaker 2 Designers must serve LGBT.

Speaker 2 Oh, Arizona, here we go. They don't like

Speaker 2 Martin Luther King. They don't like the gays.
Oh, Jesus. Oh, the goddamn gays.
What are they going to do? Oh, they're going to walk around and enjoy themselves.

Speaker 2 Get back in the house where God wants you.

Speaker 2 Phoenix woman, 21, accused of abusing a three-year-old boy. See, ladies, it goes both ways.
Women also beat men.

Speaker 2 Let's read that one.

Speaker 2 This is always uplifting, huh?

Speaker 2 I don't know why this. There it is.

Speaker 2 All right, there we go. Okay, Phoenix woman, 21, accused of abusing a three-year-old boy all right my first question as a juror would be like well what did the kid do

Speaker 2 you know what i mean can the kid walk is it big enough to make a fist you know what i mean

Speaker 2 there's no excuse to hit a woman so if this kid was punching on her you know because it wanted to breastfeed or some shit then I think she had every right to just pick him up by his osh gosh bagoshes or whatever.

Speaker 2 Push him right off that plastic pony.

Speaker 2 A Phoenix woman

Speaker 2 who had been reported missing earlier this month along with a three-year-old boy now faces child abuse charges in a case.

Speaker 2 Court document says, I'm not going to say her name, but I swear to God, her first name looks like Tequila.

Speaker 2 21 was arrested Thursday on suspicion of one count of child abuse in connection with injuries to the toddler. Oh, shake it off.

Speaker 2 Investigation said in a court document. I'm just going to see how far into the beating of a child that can go.
Just how quiet this crowd's going to get.

Speaker 2 The child was beaten on its birthday

Speaker 2 because it wasn't happy with the cake.

Speaker 2 The suspect said, well, if you didn't like the cake, you're surely not going to like this lit candle. All right, I'm not reading the rest of this.
I'm not reading the rest of this. This is too sad.

Speaker 2 I don't know what is wrong.

Speaker 2 I take this back. This is fun, making you guys fucking really uncomfortable.
I'm enjoying the shit out of this. Let's read some more sad news in Phoenix.
Let's see how far down we can.

Speaker 2 By the way, you can feel the downtown area. It's about ready to blow up.
I'm telling you, you got a great food area down the street. You got

Speaker 2 an arena.

Speaker 2 There's a CVS. Come on, man.
I can feel it. I sensed this in Cleveland and it turned around.
I knew it was going to happen in Detroit. And who's kidding who? Phoenix is the Detroit of the Southwest.

Speaker 2 It is.

Speaker 2 You just never had a riot because you don't let African Americans in your state.

Speaker 2 That's what, yes, that's what it is. Who says no to a day off? You guys ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Speaker 2 All right, what else? Okay, local headlines.

Speaker 2 I'll end it with this here. I don't want to shit on you guys too much.
All right. Valley traffic closures.
That's not exciting.

Speaker 2 Thank you for backing that up, man. No, it isn't.
I did not pay money to come out and listen to you to do the traffic report. I can listen to that on my AM radio.
Thank you very much.

Speaker 2 County offers free dog adoptions to ease the crowding. All right, let's talk.
Okay, we already got a fucking beat-up kid. Let's talk about abused animals.

Speaker 2 Is your dog there? Is my dog where?

Speaker 2 In there? No, my dog lives in a house out here that I bought for it. So go fuck yourself.

Speaker 2 What was happening is the amount of money that I was spending to board the dog was less than a mortgage out here So I said fuck it and I set up like a Hugh Hefner lease

Speaker 2 With my trainer. It's like all right as long as the dog's alive you live here rent-free and you take care of it and I come out and visit whenever I want.
He's like cool. I go when the dog dies

Speaker 2 Then, you know, you either buy the house or you leave or you start renting. He was like, cool.
So,

Speaker 2 you know damn well that dog's getting fucking sirloin every night.

Speaker 2 It's Cleo. The dog's name is Cleo, and she barely remembers me now because she's getting treated so well.
Fucking house is nicer than my one in LA.

Speaker 2 So there you go, Mr. Guilt Trip over there.
Now let's talk about let's talk about this shit over here.

Speaker 2 Let's talk about what you guys do to dogs in this state. What is with this fucking advertising?

Speaker 2 Am I on Netflix?

Speaker 2 What happened?

Speaker 2 Coca-Cola, we are so much more than cola.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're fucking gum disease.

Speaker 2 Where's Nia?

Speaker 2 She's right backstage. She'll be out in a minute.

Speaker 2 I'm fucking with you. She's at home taking care of our child.
Aha, aha, not gonna happen.

Speaker 2 It's not gonna happen, sir. Just like your dreams.
That is is not gonna happen. Your dreams won't come true, and Nia's not coming out here.

Speaker 2 For anybody watching that Texas Tech Oklahoma game, Jesus, there was like no fucking defense in that, man. None whatsoever.

Speaker 2 By the way, thank you to everybody here. Thank you.
Thank you to everybody here that has come out to the All Things Comedy Podcast Network. Our first ever

Speaker 2 podcast festival. It's been a smashing success.
Did you guys see when you walked in?

Speaker 2 We had Caddyshack playing outside. You can play that Cornhole fucking game.
You can drink a bunch of beers. This is what it's all about.

Speaker 2 It's all about hanging out, getting fucked up, listening to morons who don't know how to read. Do podcasts.
That's what this entire thing is all about. All right, what do you got? All right.
Houston.

Speaker 2 What about those fucking Houston Astros? Going up two to one.

Speaker 2 Two to one against the L.A. Dodgers.
I don't know who to root for in this one because, you know, I live in Los Angeles.

Speaker 2 You know, I know Houston just had that hurricane, but it's over,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 Everything dried up.

Speaker 2 Those fans look all happy and dry when you watch the game.

Speaker 2 Almost to the point I was just going, look how nice this looks. What was all the fucking complaining about?

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ, it rains a little bit, and everybody out in Houston starts losing their fucking minds. You know, do you think one of them has ever sent a postcard to Seattle?

Speaker 2 Those poor people sit in rain for like 360 days out of the fucking year. I will guarantee you, not a fucking peep.

Speaker 2 Not a peep from Houston.

Speaker 2 Houston, Jesus, what a shady city that is, huh?

Speaker 2 NASA.

Speaker 2 How many people down there do you think? I bet that whole fucking Houston, that whole fucking hurricane, I bet it didn't even happen.

Speaker 2 I bet they just let some damn water go down there and it was all an excuse to kill the last few people alive that were part of the fake lunar landing reenactment at NASA. So they got rid of them.

Speaker 2 And what else goes on in Houston? They got the Klan right outside there that drags people to death.

Speaker 2 Which I'm suppliers didn't get an applause break here in fucking Arizona.

Speaker 2 There was one other thing. What the fuck was I talking about? I was talking about now, oh, and then they got Halliburton.
Halliburton that changed their fucking name.

Speaker 2 I know. I know.
I know. We're over there to fucking, what are we doing over there? We're concerned about their freedom.
We got to get these Iraqis to be free.

Speaker 2 Oh, and it gets awkwardly silent here.

Speaker 2 Oh, you know what I did? Oh, so anyways, I think I'm going to be, I think I'm going to, I'm going to tell you right now why

Speaker 2 the fucking Astros are going to win the World Series. Okay? I'm going to tell you why it's going to happen.
It has nothing to do with baseball.

Speaker 2 It has to do with the fact that Jason Lawhead is rooting for the Dodgers.

Speaker 2 He's here tonight. Jason Lawhead grew up in Cleveland.
All right? He's fucked.

Speaker 2 Okay? Like the second you come out of the womb, the curse of that city just engulfed him. And everywhere he goes, he's like the mush in a Bronx tail.
Just tear up your fucking tickets, LA. It's over.

Speaker 2 You're not going to win another game.

Speaker 2 No, I have no idea. I'm actually rooting that be

Speaker 2 seven games. I hope it'll be seven games.
Give me something to do.

Speaker 2 I don't know that there's going to be seven games. Do you know that there's going to be seven games, sir?

Speaker 2 Does somebody know? Oh, because of the money? You guys think it's all about the money?

Speaker 2 That's why I don't give. That's why I don't give to charities anymore.
I'm done with fucking charities. I didn't give one fucking dime to Houston.

Speaker 2 Okay, you want to walk up to me up to your neck in water with a I live in Houston hat? Then I'm going to give you money.

Speaker 2 All right, but I'm not giving to any of these fucking things anymore because that these fucking organizations they keep I'm convinced that the most of them they just they just keep the fucking money That's what anytime you see a tragedy Just know that there's a bunch of people going like I can make a bunch of fucking money off of that hashtag I care too right and then you give them $20 you feel like you did your part You know what I mean

Speaker 2 Like how much money do you think Trump collected before he went over there with those bounty paper towels and just handed them out in Puerto Rico. He must have made a fucking killing.

Speaker 2 Probably spent the rest on hair plugs and fucking.

Speaker 2 I don't understand how he became a redhead as he got older. I don't understand.
He had brown hair.

Speaker 2 It's like somebody transitioning. Like, I don't get somebody who like changes religions.

Speaker 2 Not all of this is going to make sense, everybody.

Speaker 2 You can't still can't fucking hear me? I don't know what to do. Should I stick this in my fucking mouth? Then could you hear me?

Speaker 2 All right, how's that? Is that good? Does this work? Is this working for both of you? Maybe if I clip this onto the microphone.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ. You know what this feels like right now? This feels like when I was in summer school and I was just staring at the fucking clock like 23 minutes, 23 minutes.
Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 Why did I wear a sweatshirt out here?

Speaker 2 Oh, by the way,

Speaker 2 I got to do a promotion. I got to do a promotion.
I saw, I went to a movie premiere of the 30 for 30, the nature boy, Ric Flair, is coming out.

Speaker 2 And I have to tell you this right now, might be the best 30 for 30 I ever fucking saw.

Speaker 2 It should be 90 minutes. It should be 90.
It actually, it is 90 minutes. It is 90 minutes.
I thought it was only 30 minutes. It was 90 minutes, sir.
It wasn't your dream came true.

Speaker 2 See that, everybody?

Speaker 2 I'm going going to start a charity for this guy and a portion of the proceeds

Speaker 2 are going to go towards him. The rest of them are going to go to me in a new fucking drum kit.

Speaker 2 I'll put his picture on the bass drum head.

Speaker 2 Each day, thousands of people are dying of cancer, and I want a boat. If you call this number,

Speaker 2 We can put a slight dent in it and I can get the boat of my fucking dreams and finally get rid of my wife and start living openly with my mistress.

Speaker 2 Please take the number down. The first 300 people that call in will get a free t-shirt with a donation of over three times the cost to produce this t-shirt.

Speaker 2 No one will check to see if the t-shirts were actually sent out.

Speaker 2 That's the move people.

Speaker 2 There's three moves to make in this country at this point if you want to exist in the the future.

Speaker 2 One, you either grow weed in anticipation that it becomes legal at a federal level and you can get it out of your fucking state. Because I know in Colorado, I guess they're drowning in the shit.

Speaker 2 They got more weed than they got hippies.

Speaker 2 They got more.

Speaker 2 Oh my god, I got to tell you, the dirtiest-looking white people you're ever going to see in your life

Speaker 2 are in Colorado.

Speaker 2 I can't imagine being a minority in Colorado looking at the white people there. You got to be thinking, like, how the fuck are we working for these people?

Speaker 2 How are these people running shit? I mean, everybody just looks like they fell into a vat of patchouli, right?

Speaker 2 You know, they're always inner-tubing and shit. They just live outside.
They're just...

Speaker 2 I don't know. That's like in the Denver area.
You know, then you get out in the western part of the states, and then it gets better. You know, you got the the Illuminatis in the Rocky Mountains.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 They make sure it stays nice and cold up there so the body of their first wife never melts away. You know what I mean? That's what they keep doing.

Speaker 2 That's the code word. You're going skiing with your third wife today? Yeah, we're going on the double black diamond.
That's code for, I'm going to fucking steer her into a tree.

Speaker 2 You know? That's what's going to happen when global warming really hits and all the snow melts up in fucking aspen and veil. The amount of dead women that are going to be underneath there

Speaker 2 the amount of first wives the before I made my first will million love you know what I mean when I was at the college level before I went pro you know

Speaker 2 I don't know

Speaker 2 sometimes I think you ought to be able to kill your first wife though because There's like too many people on the planet and then also can maybe like put them on their heels not saying you do it

Speaker 2 But just the fact that she would know it was okay.

Speaker 2 I think from where I sit would have a really positive effect

Speaker 2 on the relationship. I think the reality television viewing would go down.

Speaker 2 I should do these more because with you guys laughing, I won't get in trouble. You know what I mean? It's when I'm by myself and there's dead silence.

Speaker 2 It stops sounding like I'm fucking around and it sounds more like, is this guy reading from his own manifesto?

Speaker 2 Yeah, they ought to come up with creative ways to get rid of people. I guess the optimal number, according to something that somebody sent me, is 500 million people on this planet.

Speaker 2 And we're up to 6.5 billion. So I think that there's things that you can do.

Speaker 2 Like

Speaker 2 stop rescuing pit bulls. You should just set them free

Speaker 2 and let them wander the streets in packs.

Speaker 2 And then everybody has a cyanide pill, you know? So if you get, you know, who wants to be ripped apart by a pack of wild dogs, you can just eat it every once in a while. Or maybe you do that, like,

Speaker 2 I don't know, like there's some sort of incentive for your family if you're off yourself.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And I figure if you're off yourself, that's an even better way because then they can like prepare rather than just having a bunch of carcasses on the side of the road.

Speaker 2 That'll cause diseases, which is good.

Speaker 2 But after a certain point, once we get under 500 million, now you're just killing the chosen ones, the blue chips, right?

Speaker 2 They should have like an NFL combine to find, you know, you got to get your like every country has to get their roster down to a down to a number, right? Like you're allowed to have 100,000 people.

Speaker 2 You're not allowed to judge it by race, religion, sex, or anything like that, right? And you just have the best of the best

Speaker 2 of

Speaker 2 race, sex, religion, all of that fucking shit that we care about, right? You just have that. Cruise ships.
Cruise ships? No, no, cruise ships.

Speaker 2 That's not going to work because that's also an environmental disaster. I regret doing that bit on my last special.

Speaker 2 I never thought of all the oil that was going to be seeping there. So my new one is that you just let them pull into port and then you just mull them all down.

Speaker 2 They die happy with their silly hats and their flip-flops.

Speaker 2 I know, none of that's right.

Speaker 2 It's in a time like this, don't you think there should be more caring?

Speaker 2 Somebody told me today that they're actually selling land on Mars. Can I somehow get in on that?

Speaker 2 I'll sell you the whole fucking planet for 15 grand.

Speaker 2 You can get out there and figure out there's no atmosphere, and then you're going to die. Oh, it's a shame.
I mean, it's there. You can see it.

Speaker 2 Look right through the telescope. I sold you that.

Speaker 2 If you can get there and breathe, it's going to be all yours. It's going to be all yours.

Speaker 2 That's a way. You know something right there? That'd be the first wave of how you get rid of people.
You sell land on Mars, and anybody that goes to buy it, you go, okay, you want.

Speaker 2 You got a little bit of land, come down here to claim it. And then they walk into a room like Joe Pesci and Goodfellas,

Speaker 2 right? You put a gun to their head. You're like, hey, wait a minute, what the fuck? It's like, well, dude, you obviously don't want to be here.

Speaker 2 You'd rather go to Mars. It's too crowded, you know?

Speaker 2 I'm going to send you to heaven, man. You can see all the planets.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 I like when people wonder if there's life on other planets. You know what I mean? Like, why would you, you know, who gives a shit if there is? You can't talk to them.
They're too far away. You know?

Speaker 2 And what if they're smart enough to get here? Do you really want to wave your arms?

Speaker 2 You know, why don't you just hitchhike down the fucking highway and see what happens?

Speaker 2 All All right, I got to do some reads here for this week.

Speaker 2 Okay, here we go. Oh, look who's, oh, Indochino.
Indochino. Indochino.

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Speaker 2 you know, if I was going to fuck a man, I would prefer that he was in a suit because.

Speaker 2 I don't want to feel dirty afterwards. I'd like to feel that I was with the gentleman that was raised right, you know?

Speaker 2 Last thing I'd want to do is fuck a gay guy from Denver wearing his flip-flops and his fucking Hawaiian shirt.

Speaker 2 This will probably be the last read for these guys.

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Speaker 2 The recording stand. Yeah, take two.
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For free, go to zip.com slash burr. All right, we got through it.
Oh, and here's the last one.

Speaker 2 Here's another great one. Oh, it's meandies, everybody.
Yay!

Speaker 2 Miundies. Miundies, there's always one cunt who doesn't do it right.

Speaker 2 Miundies, meundies. I hope someone kills you tonight.
All you had to do was listen to me. I don't have two mics.
I should have three.

Speaker 2 I don't know. This fucking windscreen's as soft as your taint when you wear a pair of this fucking shit.

Speaker 2 They make them for the ladies, drying out your fucking clam. All right

Speaker 2 Sorry, okay, meundis everybody meundis makes your butt

Speaker 2 What meundis your butt will be proud to wear I hate that fucking word

Speaker 2 It's either your ass

Speaker 2 You know butt. It's just too you know, I'm an ass man.
I just that word never just butt. That's if you have a flat ass.
You have a butt. Just

Speaker 2 over.

Speaker 2 Lower back down to your ankles. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 That's how I'm built.

Speaker 2 Naked. I have the exact same silhouette as the Pink Panther.

Speaker 2 Big head, big feet, just fucking straight right down. I swear to God, you could hang advertising off my backside.

Speaker 2 All right. Miundis makes Undies your butt will be proud to wear.
And check this out. I'm not the only one who loves Miundis.
Listen to my longtime listener and Meandy's enthusiast George has to say.

Speaker 2 Is this George Michael? Did he write this from Beyond the Grave? Maybe he wore the first meundis. Remember that when he was shaking his ass?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think it would be nice if I could touch your body and fucking jerk you up in a fucking port-a-party.

Speaker 2 Then get arrested with cheers in my stubble.

Speaker 2 Wearing my fucking cowboy boots. I like that guy.
And now he's dead. All right, a note from George N.

Speaker 2 A Bill Burr listener and Meundis fan. I decided to try out Miundi's because I love Bill Burr's Meandies jingle.
I smile every time he sings it. This reeks of being rewritten by the advertising.

Speaker 2 What kind of man says that? I just look out the window and smile.

Speaker 2 Do you do you just smile when you I don't believe a word of this although it's so easy to skip ads in a podcast I always listen to Bill's reads and I'm so glad meundies has stuck with, did Al Gore write this?

Speaker 2 It's this is about as sincere as him. Have I told you guys my theory on why Hillary keeps fucking losing, even though she only lost once?

Speaker 2 It's because she has Mike Dukakis's charisma, and she's as uncomfortable in her own skin as Al Gore. And you combine those two, and what you have is a dope that loses to an even bigger dope.

Speaker 2 Oh man, this is a Trump state. I can feel it.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Is he making it better for you? Oh, it's too late.

Speaker 2 You had a chance. You had a chance at a day off and you said no.
This is the fucking candidate you've always been waiting for.

Speaker 2 Huh? Just coming in wearing his red tie and his fucking silk underwear,

Speaker 2 telling you how it is.

Speaker 2 All right, although it's so easy to scare, who gives a shit about this fucking guy smiling, looking out the window with silky balls.

Speaker 2 Before meundies, I used to buy a three-pack of underwear at retail stores until I realized that I wanted to treat my junk to something more comfortable.

Speaker 2 And that starts with a great pair of Myundis cradling the family jewels to get 20% off the best and softest underwear and socks you will ever own for free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee.

Speaker 2 Go to meundis.com slash burr. That's meundis.com slash burr.

Speaker 2 All right, I started to hype something here.

Speaker 2 40 minutes, everybody, just like that. Just like that.
40 minutes that you'll never get back.

Speaker 2 I thought he was going to be standing up. I thought there was going to be more of a show.
I thought there'd be showgirls.

Speaker 2 I saw, I might as well stand up. It's so fucking hot in here.

Speaker 2 Oh, he's standing up.

Speaker 2 He's standing up. He wants the world to know

Speaker 2 that the fucking podcast.

Speaker 2 What do you mean, speak up? I got two fucking microphones here. How much more can I speak up, sir?

Speaker 2 Are they canceling each other out with amplification? Are they both polite? No, you go. No, you go.
We were both born in the 90s. I don't want to offend you with my yellow skin and your black skin.

Speaker 2 I want to sit in this big chair because I feel like I would think that I know something over here. Here we are.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of Masterpiece Podcasting.

Speaker 2 Wow, this is weird. Now I got in here.
There's a whole new sound in here. I hate that I'm at the fucking old age where I have to cross my legs when I sit down.
I don't know what happens.

Speaker 2 Remember as a kid, you just fucking sat down. Now I got to sit there constantly stretching out my fucking hip.

Speaker 2 This couch was supposed to be nailed down.

Speaker 2 So I saw the premiere of the Ric Flair Nature Boy. Dude,

Speaker 2 I don't think I've ever fucking laughed that hard.

Speaker 2 I mean, I have to go back to like a Richard Pryor special. That guy is arguably one of the funniest fucking human beings ever.
And I have to tell you something.

Speaker 2 What I can commend about that guy in this Nature Boy 30 for 30 that you have to fucking see

Speaker 2 is he did not run from anything. He owned up to everything, good or fucking bad.

Speaker 2 They were sitting there talking about like, you know, him fucking around on his wife. And he was just going, yeah.
You go, how long were you faithful for in your marriage? He just goes, one day.

Speaker 2 And he was like, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it.
I came home and I spent a day with my family and I was like bored out of my mind. I was in hell.
And it was so fucking refreshing

Speaker 2 to hear a married guy talk about how badly he wants to continue fucking as many women as he possibly could. Right?

Speaker 2 Now I know the laughs are going to go down because there's too many women here and every guy has to sit there and act like he was, you know,

Speaker 2 like

Speaker 2 probably thinking about it right fucking now. I don't know.
But yeah, he talked about everything, just being like

Speaker 2 just all the women he was with. And at one point, they cut back to his first wife, who he calls number one.

Speaker 2 No, this guy is a fucking legend.

Speaker 2 And she just cuts back to him, and she's just like, yeah, Rick wasn't a family man.

Speaker 2 I was doubled over laughing.

Speaker 2 And then, you know, it definitely has its sad points, but he doesn't run from it. If you're going to say he's a bad father or if he's maybe like an alcoholic,

Speaker 2 I don't want to ruin too many of the lines, but he was just saying, like, I don't know if I'm an alcoholic. I never tried to quit.

Speaker 2 It was just one fucking closing bit after another with this guy. It's like, I would close with that.
I would close with that. I would close with that.

Speaker 2 And he just kept going.

Speaker 2 He did tell this one story. I'm all twisted up in my 20 fucking microphones.
He did tell this one story to the crowd that was there.

Speaker 2 He talked about how one night he was on the road and he was out partying and he goes, and I woke up with a couple of, he goes, I woke up next to an alien, which is what he calls being like blackout drunk and just waking up next to some woman you don't even know her fucking name.

Speaker 2 So he goes, I woke up and there was an alien on one side and an alien on the other.

Speaker 2 And I looked down and my Rolex was missing.

Speaker 2 So I wake the women up and I go, hey, where's my watch? And they go, you don't remember?

Speaker 2 They go, you don't remember. And he goes, no.
He goes, yeah, last night you threw your watch into a bowl of spaghetti and you said, I got 15 of these fucking things.

Speaker 2 This was just a throwaway story.

Speaker 2 I mean, this is a comedy club. This is a packed house.
I'm killing just remembering lines that he said. I'm telling you, you have to fucking watch this guy.
It's like,

Speaker 2 I'm telling you, they ought to give him like the Mark Twain Award. They're always giving it to like these

Speaker 2 fucking people. You know, they give it to some people that are funny, but then other times they just, you know, sometimes that's like, that guy is not as funny as fucking Ric Flair.

Speaker 2 You got to get him in there, you know?

Speaker 2 You know, they wouldn't. No, because it's always like the, you know, the arts and meral street and blah, blah, blah, blah.
Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 2 You know, do you think she could fucking be that good an actress after a couple of back body drops? You know?

Speaker 2 Do you think she could do the flare-flop and keep that period correct wig that she has on? I don't know why I'm trashing Meryl Streep. I have no idea why.

Speaker 2 You know why? Because she's always getting awards. You know? Yeah.
Fuck her for doing such great work.

Speaker 2 It's the dumbest shit.

Speaker 2 You know how this business works? If you trash anybody, inevitably, you end up working for them.

Speaker 2 I can't tell you how many times that's, I haven't gotten a lot of acting work, but every time I've ever gotten acting work and I'm in the fucking hair and makeup, I always get to skip the hair part, of course.

Speaker 2 I go over to the makeup side of the trailer. Inevitably, somebody comes walking in.
I'm like, oh shit, I trashed that person. I hope they didn't hear that podcast.
All right.

Speaker 2 I think that was it. You guys want to listen to some reads here for this week?

Speaker 2 Can you hear me? Is everything fine?

Speaker 2 Is this working?

Speaker 2 How has this been so far? Have you guys enjoyed this? Is this something I should do more of?

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 I've already one guy, but there's always going to be one guy booing. I didn't like it.
All right.

Speaker 2 On Monday, I discussed silkworms and how they take the spittle from a silkworm, and that's how they make a silk shirt.

Speaker 2 Somebody goes, silkworms. Hey, you ugly red-faced fucking twat.

Speaker 2 You really think silk shirts are made from silkworms? Really?

Speaker 2 Jesus fucking Christ, dude. Just think about it.
Just think about that for a second. Bless your heart, Bill, but sweet fuck, man.
Get your act together and go fuck yourself. You know what's funny?

Speaker 2 Is I did and I still do until I was thinking like, wait, well, how would they turn that spittle

Speaker 2 into thread? But I also used to think that a fucking,

Speaker 2 I used to think a pony was just a little horse.

Speaker 2 I did. And I remember these people down the street,

Speaker 2 they had a little pony. And I just remembered.
I just remember thinking,

Speaker 2 when is that thing going to fucking grow up and become a horse?

Speaker 2 And I finally one day asked my mother when I was like 15, and she just looked at me like,

Speaker 2 How did you come out of me?

Speaker 2 What do I Google here? What is silk made out of? It's just going to say silk.

Speaker 2 But what they shouldn't call it a fucking silkworm then.

Speaker 2 What is silk made of? What is silk?

Speaker 2 Oh Fuck you, sir. This shit I know that you don't know, okay

Speaker 2 Everybody likes to feel so goddamn smart, huh?

Speaker 2 What is silk made of?

Speaker 2 This right here, if there's ever a hunger games, I'm definitely not gonna make it right here.

Speaker 2 The protein fiber of silk is comprised mainly of fibron and is produced by certain insect larvae to form cocoons. All right, I was kind of right.

Speaker 2 The best-known silk is obtained from the cocoons of the larva

Speaker 2 of the mulberry silkworm. Wait a minute, was I right?

Speaker 2 What the fuck? Well, it wasn't spitting it out. I thought it was basically a silkworm spider web.

Speaker 2 Why would a worm make a spider web, Bill? Maybe it's suicidal.

Speaker 4 I don't know.

Speaker 2 There's another way to make money off of suicidal silkworms. Each year, over 30,000 silkworms

Speaker 2 commit suicide, and I would like to buy a Tesla. So please send your money in.

Speaker 2 All right, fat but fit.

Speaker 2 Billy know rolls.

Speaker 2 A study just came out that speaks to everything you've said about being fat almost automatically meaning you're not healthy.

Speaker 2 Today there are a lot of people who say you can be in good health while carrying fat, but that's just to soften the blow to people who can't lose the lard.

Speaker 2 All right. Anyways, thought I'd share.
You're not as dumb as Nia says you are,

Speaker 2 but maybe still a bit of a moron.

Speaker 2 Just kidding, go fuck yourself.

Speaker 2 I had no idea how much you guys laugh at these people shitting on me.

Speaker 2 I thought you were all sitting at home as offended as I was, going, hey, don't say that about Bill.

Speaker 2 Bill is my podcast friend. Well, well, well, well, I guess you get to see who your fucking friends are when you do something live.

Speaker 2 All right, I don't even, this is how bad my short-term memory is. I don't even know what the fuck I just said.
I didn't know what I just read.

Speaker 2 That you can be a fat. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. No, yeah.

Speaker 2 You don't want to be fat. Like, that's a big thing now, to be fat and be proud of it, you know.

Speaker 2 And they talk about fat shaming and all that shit.

Speaker 2 It's just like, you know, you should just ignore what everybody says, and you should listen to your heart going, for the love of God, lose the weight. I'm going to conk out here.

Speaker 2 Ah, that was a cheap joke. That was an easy one.
I set you up, you know, easy. I took you to the left, and then I went right.
That's what I did. That was the old misdirection.

Speaker 2 The old comedy crossover there. All right.

Speaker 2 Nestle Kuntz.

Speaker 2 Nestle Kuntz. That's right.
Oh, yeah, they're the ones. They're the ones causing all the wars.
Hey there, Billy in the mirror.

Speaker 2 Saw this article about Nestle that I thought might ruffle your feathers.

Speaker 2 The line,

Speaker 2 the byline says it all. Okay,

Speaker 2 this year, this year's Halloween confectionery?

Speaker 2 Oh, this is so great. I have people here.
What is a confectionery?

Speaker 2 It's a what?

Speaker 2 It's a candy store. What kind of an asshole calls it a confectionery?

Speaker 2 You know what's funny? I got this acting gig right now. By the way, I got to promote the movie.
You got to see it next, probably come out next year. It's called Front Runner!

Speaker 2 Front Runner stars Hugh Jackman as Gary Hart.

Speaker 2 If you're old enough, you remember Gary Hart? Yeah, Gary Hart went a little Ric Flair on the road.

Speaker 2 Right? He banged some woman, and then all of a sudden he couldn't be president anymore, and that's how Bush got in. Because this guy was a good-looking guy, and all the ladies liked him.

Speaker 2 And that's all you need to do to win the presidency, right? You play the saxophone, you hit a jump shot. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 You do something like that, and then everybody fucking loves you. Anyways, that's coming out.
By the way, all you hear on a movie set is people going, copy that. Copy that, copy that.

Speaker 2 I need this go over there, copy that.

Speaker 2 I get it when you say it into like a fucking,

Speaker 2 you know, you're on your little CB radio, copy that. I get that.
You know what I mean? But people say it to just other people now. Just one person will be, hey, can you move that over there?

Speaker 2 And they got to go, copy that.

Speaker 2 It's like, why don't you just say okay? It's a lot quicker.

Speaker 2 Can you move that? Okay.

Speaker 2 Got it.

Speaker 2 Copy that.

Speaker 2 Those are the same kind of people that call a fucking candy store a confectionery.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Hey, that's right there.
That's called a callback. The guy just goes, copy that.
He was waiting for the end of the bit. See that?

Speaker 2 Now, how does he know about callbacks?

Speaker 2 How does he know? Because Netflix has released 30,000 stand-up specials this year.

Speaker 2 They're creating a comedy special housing bubble over there.

Speaker 2 Come watch the greatest open micers do an hour of their best material.

Speaker 2 That's who they're down to at this point. There's like everybody has an hour special.

Speaker 2 I'm going to freeze myself after I die. Don't they have that here? The cryogenics right next to the confectioner, right? I'm going to freeze myself.

Speaker 2 So then when they figure out how to cure death, they can unfreeze me. And I can do a bit of, I can do an hour-long one-man show on Netflix about what it's like to be in a 40-year coma.

Speaker 2 All right,

Speaker 2 Nestle, everybody.

Speaker 2 By the way, F is for family. Please watch that on Netflix now that I've made fun of them.

Speaker 2 Just scroll. If you can't find it, just scroll left for like 20 minutes.

Speaker 2 Anyways, this year's Halloween confectionery will contain palm oil grown on land that should lawfully be habitat.

Speaker 2 Be habit. I can't read this.
H-A-B-I-T-A-T

Speaker 2 lawfully be habitat to orangutans I always thought it was orangutan like the drink

Speaker 2 orangutans

Speaker 2 rhinos and clouded leopards

Speaker 2 I don't know what the fuck that is

Speaker 2 despite commitment to clean up supply chains this is on top of them siphoning

Speaker 2 Yeah, this is this is you know a lot of times it's not me. This is the sentence.

Speaker 2 This is on top of them them siphoning my fucking screen just went out finally gonna make a point This is on top of them siphoning they do of water from national parks that you've spoken about I guess they take water out of national parks where they had agreements with Native American tribes that have since expired

Speaker 2 What's it going to take to end Nestle's corruption? Maybe you can take this up as your cause the way the first ladies do.

Speaker 2 This is how you stop that. What you'd have to do is have politicians, politicians have to start earning fuck you money rather than being grossly underpaid.

Speaker 2 The fact that, you know, as a podcaster, comedian, an actor, you can make almost as much, if not more, money than the president of the United States is fucking pathetic. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 They should have fuck you money. The second you become president, this should just be like a, like, you know, like a pitching machine that's just throwing one fucking heater over the plate.

Speaker 2 It should be a bag of money the entire time you're there.

Speaker 2 So then when these guys go, hey, can we siphon this fucking out of here? You can be like, no, fuck you. Well, if you don't,

Speaker 2 we won't help you get re-elected. I don't give a fuck.
I got fuck you money.

Speaker 2 That probably wouldn't work. I don't.
Sometimes I have good ideas. Sometimes I don't.

Speaker 2 So I guess, yeah, don't buy any Nestle crunch bars, everybody. And stay away from their bottled water and whatever else they make.
Do they make thongs?

Speaker 2 All All right.

Speaker 2 Do you feel how the podcast just immediately fucking slowed down the second I started reading out loud? It's fucking unbelievable. Why do I do this? Why do I do this to myself? What is the shame?

Speaker 2 Is it because I was raised Catholic? All right, accidentally made two girls my girlfriend. All right.

Speaker 2 I like this guy already. Hi, William the Bald.

Speaker 2 Big fan from Kenya.

Speaker 2 Oh, this is a second language. All right, love the podcast, and is for Family is amazing.
That's amazing that you can watch it over there.

Speaker 2 No, you should see.

Speaker 2 Go on the internet. You can actually watch all these people.
You know what? F is for Family, I feel like, captures the Frank character that's loosely based on my dad.

Speaker 2 You know which one I think does it the best? Is Mexico?

Speaker 2 You know, because they got a lot of fucking the same kind of people screaming and yelling, temper. You know what I mean? It just fucking works great.

Speaker 2 Somehow that'll come off as racist, but it was supposed to be a compliment.

Speaker 2 Long story short, I have had a crush on two ladies in my college class for over four years. Jesus Christ, this guy moves slow, huh?

Speaker 2 Now one of them is dying of ovarian cancer, and I feel like it's too late. Oh, Jesus, not that.
We care. We care in Phoenix.

Speaker 2 Huh?

Speaker 2 I bet you guys all pictured a a white vagina.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Fucking act like you guys care, huh? You try to bully me into your fucking phony giving a shit?

Speaker 2 They probably showed that hurricane in fucking Houston on Comedy Central out here.

Speaker 2 That's how little you people care. You guys are all about yourselves.

Speaker 2 All right, all I

Speaker 2 don't even know where I am in this. I don't know how you follow

Speaker 2 a white vagina.

Speaker 2 Next item up for bids, a white vagina.

Speaker 2 Meekum, the Meekum auctions. For serial killers.
It would just be like women's body parts.

Speaker 2 Oh, we're so offended. Oh, fuck all of you.
I'll stare even harder into it.

Speaker 2 Did you hear that they're going to start having Jeffrey Dahmer Day in Wisconsin?

Speaker 2 That's true. They have

Speaker 2 an all-you-can-eat mystery meat day in Wisconsin.

Speaker 2 They're trying to change the perception that all they do is eat cheese up there. See?

Speaker 2 Are we done groaning? Because I'll keep fucking going.

Speaker 2 All right, so this guy has had a crush on these ladies for four fucking years, but since breaking up with my previous girlfriend three years ago, I decided to not get into another relationship.

Speaker 2 So the whole time you were with this girl for three years, you had a crush on two other women for four years. I love this guy.
He's a fucking mess.

Speaker 2 All I did with these two girls was light flirting from time to time. What is light flirting in Kenya?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 I was going to do some starving joke.

Speaker 2 You want a piece of bread? Just fucking with you. Ah, you're going to have it.

Speaker 2 He's going gonna write back next week. Dear Bill, we are not Somalia or Ethiopia.
We actually have food in Kenya,

Speaker 2 running water, and skyscrapers.

Speaker 2 Anyways,

Speaker 2 all I did was flirt with one of one of them is the fun-friendly kind, but she's kind of loose. Parentheses, open relationship, and sending nudes types.

Speaker 2 All right, so that's the one you bang, you fucking, you double wrap it, right? You double wrap it. And the other is conservative.

Speaker 2 The other is conservative, introvert, virgin, but I really enjoy her company. All right, there's the one you have kids with.
This is an easy one.

Speaker 2 Well, a few days ago, it was my birthday, and I had both of them.

Speaker 2 And you had both of them? You're just going to stop there? You bang both of them? Well, she's not a virgin anymore now, is she? I had both of them and some few friends over.

Speaker 2 This is his second language and I can't read. For a a party.
I had a shitload of booze and was on.

Speaker 2 I'm going to guess right now, the one that he thinks is loose with Helder Alcohol, and the Virgin blew everyone at the party. That's what I'm going with.

Speaker 2 Maybe I've been in Hollywood too long, but this can't be linear. It has to make a left turn at some point to spin us into the second act.

Speaker 2 Okay, well, a few days ago, it was my birthday, and I, okay, I had them both over. All right, all right, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
They came over.

Speaker 2 I had a shitload of booze and was on autopilot the whole time, but apparently I had the balls to ask the two ladies to be my girlfriend. Oh, he was drunk.

Speaker 2 I don't believe. Is this a true story, or did he watch some Kenyan version of the Brady bunch

Speaker 2 when Peter has two dates in one night?

Speaker 2 A few days later, I get a text from both of them asking whether I was serious about asking them out. I'm now in a huge dilemma of choosing between the two who I really like,

Speaker 2 and the fact that I haven't been in a relationship in a while and basically forgot how to be in a relationship. Oh, shut the fuck up.
You remember exactly how to be in a relationship.

Speaker 2 That's why you don't want to be in one.

Speaker 2 Any advice would be appreciated.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 okay,

Speaker 2 enda ujdinya, which is Swahili for go fuck yourself.

Speaker 2 All right, well, I think

Speaker 2 I think you got to go with the whore.

Speaker 2 You know, if you don't want to be in a relationship, but you did say girlfriend,

Speaker 2 I would just own up to it. Just be like, listen, I was totally shit-faced when I sent that, but I have had a crush on you for four years.
You always got to go with honesty with women.

Speaker 2 Guys go into it, you know, you always think you got to lie to them and all of that shit. You got to just, you just fucking lay your cards on the table.
It's the best thing you can do.

Speaker 2 They won't get mad. They might get a little upset, depending on what you say.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 Depends on how graphic you get.

Speaker 2 Where do you see this going? I see you laying off the edge of my bed on your back with your head hanging off as I fuck your mouth

Speaker 2 while watching Sports Center.

Speaker 2 That might be a little too honest. You could just say, you know, just looking to have a good time.

Speaker 2 I would just go with honesty. I would tell both of them,

Speaker 2 dude,

Speaker 2 the fact that you're not in a relationship right now, you get to hit the reset button. You just go total honestly.
I would tell them exactly what the fuck happened.

Speaker 2 Just say, I had crushed on both of you for fucking four. I wouldn't have talked to them both at the same time, but I would say, I sent it to two different people, and that's what I did.

Speaker 2 And then just wait to hear what they say. That's it.
And if they don't like it, who gives a fuck? Take you and your honesty to the next situation. I'm telling you.
All right?

Speaker 2 That's the best way to handle the fucking thing. And then,

Speaker 2 I don't know. Somehow, you just tell them what's going on.
Oh, Christ, I got to tell a story. Here's a story for you.
One time when I learned about honesty, I was in my fucking early to mid-30s.

Speaker 2 I was just sick of lying. And I met this chick.
She was like 22 years old. So we get back to my apartment.
This lady's leaving right now, she can't bear to listen to this right now.

Speaker 2 So we get back to my apartment.

Speaker 2 We start making out and everything. And she goes, wait a minute.
She goes, like, wait a second. She says, where is this going?

Speaker 2 And I said, nowhere.

Speaker 2 Oh, are you kidding me? I go, I'm like 50 years older than you. By the time you're 30, I'm going to be like 86 years old.
All right?

Speaker 2 This is going to go nowhere.

Speaker 2 So, whatever you want to do sexually, but you don't want to do with somebody that you like, you do with me.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 And then you'll never have a midlife crisis because you got it out of your system.

Speaker 2 And you know what she said? She went, all right. That was it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 They're not as prudish as you think they are. Don't be afraid.
That's the number number one thing.

Speaker 2 You got to go with the fucking honesty.

Speaker 2 Do you like me? No.

Speaker 2 No, you don't have to be mean. You don't have to be me.

Speaker 2 I like you, but not like that.

Speaker 2 All right. Girlfriend loves my long hair.
I don't. Oh, go fuck yourself.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ. What do you do next? Go up to somebody with leukemia? My girlfriend loves my sick-free body,

Speaker 2 but I don't. I just love how you guys have this thing with disease.

Speaker 2 What is it with you guys in disease? Why does it make you so sad? It's Mother Nature trying to help us.

Speaker 2 They should close down all the pharmacies, okay? And if you're lucky enough to be disease-free, you live. That's what we need to do.
Tough decisions have to be made.

Speaker 2 Okay, so I've been growing my hair out for a while

Speaker 2 since I enrolled in college. Oh, dude, that's the time to do it.
Good for you. Grow your hair out.
Live your Stevens Seagal years in your 20s. Get by a sword.

Speaker 2 Sit there Indian style meditating out on the fucking some sort of bluff. I never went to college, really.
I never lived there. What do they call it? Out on the compound, the

Speaker 2 quad area, the grassy area. Just try to act interesting.
Anyways, and I'm about to graduate this upcoming spring.

Speaker 2 My girlfriend and a few friends convinced me to grow my hair out since they are all the hippie type. Ah, that's not the cool long hair.

Speaker 2 This guy probably goes to the University of Denver.

Speaker 2 I don't consider myself a hippie at all, but that is the crew I run with since I have known most of them since back in high school and they are all close friends. A couple of them have long hair too.

Speaker 2 I was open to the idea since I've had short hair for most of my life before that. The long hair turned out looking pretty good too.
My girlfriend though loves the long hair on guys.

Speaker 2 A few days ago I told her passingly that I've been thinking about cutting it and she immediately seemed really concerned saying I just don't think it would look good

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 but I really love how it is.

Speaker 2 Is she just dating you for your hair sir?

Speaker 2 But that she's only ever dated guys with longer hair. Dude, if you're looking to get out of this relationship one quick trip to the fucking barber This is the easiest breakup ever.

Speaker 2 And you got to go hardcore. I get like a cop flat top haircut.

Speaker 2 A detective mustache. This is the easiest breakup ever.
Her concern kind of annoys me. As she was saying that she would not be attracted to me in general if I cut it.

Speaker 2 To me, it seemed pretty shallow considering we've been together for almost three years. Yeah, dude, she doesn't love you.
She doesn't love you. Get your fucking haircut and get out of there.

Speaker 2 That's what I do. I'm pretty fed up with my long hair and everything that comes with it.
Knots, hair, trying, you know, getting it in my eyes. Yeah, dude,

Speaker 2 you learned something. You know, you did something for her, not for fucking you, right? You don't like it.
You're telling you you don't like it.

Speaker 2 She says she doesn't like the fact that you don't like it. It's all there, sir.
All right, this is what you do: you fuck her one more time, and then you go get your hair cut.

Speaker 2 I don't advise you doing that. That's mean.

Speaker 2 I just needed a laugh.

Speaker 2 Okay, here's the last one, everybody, and then we'll be almost at the end of the podcast. Hour and 10 minutes, just like that.
First ever live one.

Speaker 2 There you go.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Guys lie on Tinder. Surprise.

Speaker 2 Hey, old Bill. I'm a 29-year-old single lady living in Virginia.

Speaker 2 Along with most other singles my age, it seems I've had to try out various dating sites and apps over the years, but haven't had any success cultivating anything more than a date here or there.

Speaker 2 I realized this, oh my god, this is so fucking long.

Speaker 2 Lady, maybe if you got to the point, you'd get a second date.

Speaker 2 That was a cheap shot. Admittedly, that was a cheap shot.
I got anxiety on how long this was, and rather than admitting to the fact that I don't like to read out loud, I blamed her.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, and I'm sorry for your horrible social life. Let's continue.
I realize a lot of this was likely due to the fact that I've been pretty overweight my entire adult life. Oh, now I'm sad.

Speaker 2 However,

Speaker 2 the last year and a half, I've managed to lose 112 pounds. There you go!

Speaker 2 That's fucking awesome. It took you a year and a half.
Good for you. 112 pounds and counting.
She's not done yet. She's like John Elway.
She's getting the rings at the end of her career.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 to taking all that shit in the press, she's finally living up to her expectations. I love it.

Speaker 2 And counting,

Speaker 2 and counting. By changing my diet and literally running my tits off on the elliptical for an hour.
five times a week. That's fucking amazing.
Good for you.

Speaker 2 Anyways, last week on Tinder, I matched with a very cute 29-year-old guy.

Speaker 2 He initiated the conversation. We had a great back and forth comparing what podcasts we listened to.

Speaker 2 I found out he actually lives in Ohio and was only traveling in my area for work for the next few days. All right, that's a red flag, and he's on Tinder.
He's looking to get his dick sucked.

Speaker 2 All right, that's it. He doesn't want to know how many brothers and sisters you have and what's your hobby.
Oh, do you like to cook? Fantastic. Why don't you cook my balls in your mouth

Speaker 2 as I stroke my dick over here?

Speaker 2 Brutal honesty women like honesty anyways, I know I should have called it quits

Speaker 2 Then but finding out someone that had

Speaker 2 that can actually hold the conversation seems to be a real rarity these days He asked me out to dinner, but because of my diet I and wanting to be nice I offered for him to come over for a home-cooked healthy meal.

Speaker 2 Oh, and you didn't fill him into the back story. Now he thinks he's getting anal.

Speaker 2 This is how guys think, okay?

Speaker 2 If we want this whole me too thing to end, guys have to be honest about how they think.

Speaker 2 All right. He came over, was just a cute, was just as cute in person as in his pictures.
The great conversation kept flowing.

Speaker 2 I can't believe he just met somebody on the internet and invited them over to your fucking house. Please tell me you had a fucking pistol taped to the inside of your leg.

Speaker 2 The great conversation kept flowing, and six hours later,

Speaker 2 we were making out.

Speaker 2 We both had to be up early the next day. He left with plans to hang out again the next day after work.
We did and ended up hooking up.

Speaker 2 He left Virginia the next day, but we continued to message pretty constantly over the next week with him initiating the conversation most of the time.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, there's three paragraphs left, and I want to apologize to each and every one of you.

Speaker 2 I want to have a benefit for all of your ears having to listen to me have to fucking read this goddamn law.

Speaker 2 Please call the number at the bottom of the screen, and a portion of the proceeds will go to everybody's eardrums in this room, and also my Dodge two-door Hemi pickup truck

Speaker 2 for 40 grand.

Speaker 2 Anyways, all seem to be going pretty great except the eight-hour distance in between one another. Well, yeah, okay,

Speaker 2 you guys never looked at a globe.

Speaker 2 However,

Speaker 2 you know what? There's an I in Virginia. There's an I in Ohio.
They must be pretty close.

Speaker 2 Don't they alphabetize by a vowel in the middle of them or something?

Speaker 2 All seem to be going pretty good. Okay, except for the eight, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Nothing really came. Okay, however, I just had a feeling something wasn't quite right, so I Googled him.

Speaker 2 I guarantee you he has a family. Nothing really came up except his, I don't know what, profile.
Then a few lines down, I see an old wedding gift registry site with his name on I called it.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, I didn't read this before.

Speaker 2 You think this sounds bad out loud? You should hear when I read quietly and I just hear me stuttering in my brain.

Speaker 2 I searched all the girls' names on the registry along with his last name on Facebook and bingo, all over

Speaker 2 this girl's profile are cute pictures of a sweet couple, the other half of which is the guy that I was in bed with a week ago. The son of a bitch is married.

Speaker 2 What do I do here, Bill?

Speaker 2 Do I call the guy out on his shit and rip him a new one? Do I send his wife a message and tell her what he's doing? He travels.

Speaker 2 All the women are going, yes. All the guys are like, no, no.

Speaker 2 No, move on move on

Speaker 2 He travels the majority of the time for work, and I'm sure I'm not the first person he's done this to.

Speaker 2 He already deleted his Tinder profile, and our text messages have only been PG for the most part, so I don't have any concern, concrete proof to send her. I feel completely wretched.
Wretched?

Speaker 2 W-R-E-T-C-H-E-D?

Speaker 2 Wretched. All right, I was right.
Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 Wretched. I thought that's when you were like puking.

Speaker 2 Wretching. Oh, all right.
Everybody's got a degree in the room.

Speaker 2 I feel completely wretched

Speaker 2 and terrible for the most part. I unknowingly played in this entire, I played into this entire situation.
No, you didn't.

Speaker 2 You didn't unknowingly. This is like one of the oldest fucking stories on the internet.
Also, any dating advice for me moving forward is also appreciated.

Speaker 2 Thanks for the the advice and congrats on that beautiful baby girl of yours. Oh, thank you very much.
All right. Hey!

Speaker 2 Oh, Billy became a father. All right.

Speaker 2 First of all, I got to be honest with you. You're kind of going Hillary Clinton on this thing, where you're not taking any responsibility for this loss whatsoever.

Speaker 2 You're blaming him. You're calling him a piece of shit.
You're the Electoral College.

Speaker 2 You're blaming Sandinistan rebels. everything.

Speaker 2 But you, okay? You went on Tinder. Tinder is a total hookup site.
It's full of fucking scumbags. Like, and then guess what? You met a fucking scumbag.
So

Speaker 2 what I would take out of that is to not go on dating sites and I would try, I don't know, I would join like a fucking sports league or some shit, like go play some softball.

Speaker 2 I would try to do some hobby thing. I know this sounds like an old guy thing, but like,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 the fucking internet is the internet. Now, if you want to go blow up this guy's life to make you feel better,

Speaker 2 I mean, you can also do that. I mean, I mean, I don't know.
What I do, I just, when I fuck up, I just go, I fucked up, and I just, I walk away from it.

Speaker 2 I mean, if you want to, if you want to do that, that's up to you. I don't fucking know.
I mean, who knows? Maybe, maybe his wife isn't blowing him.

Speaker 2 You know, let's try to blame his innocent wife now.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 I just feel like in this age of hyper-feminism, the way women always just stick up for other women, that guys need to start doing this. So I have to stick up for this complete piece of shit here.

Speaker 2 Maybe,

Speaker 2 maybe, you know.

Speaker 2 Maybe it's just this the love's gone in the relationship. They got the kids.
He doesn't want to leave. He just wants to know what it likes to have fun again.
And you were fun.

Speaker 2 And he fucking, you know, it's kind of on you, though, because the first night

Speaker 2 when you just hung out, all you got to do is look at his wedding ring. And if he's wearing a ring, you'll see the indentation from it.

Speaker 2 I mean, you got to go a little bump, bump, bump, bump, bum, right?

Speaker 2 Ma'am, I don't know why I'm

Speaker 2 blaming you. I have no excuse for this fucking guy.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I mean, what about George Clooney in

Speaker 2 that movie where he's flying around in the planes and he showed up, and that woman had a family?

Speaker 2 You know, did he say anything?

Speaker 2 He didn't. What was it called? Up in the air, right?

Speaker 2 And he was banging that woman, and then he went to her house and he found out that she was married. And he was like, oh, fuck.
And he just walked away.

Speaker 2 That's what guys do.

Speaker 2 We just walk away.

Speaker 2 Women start pulling hedges out of the front yard. They start putting rabbits in the fucking stew and shit.
Like,

Speaker 2 is that why we die sooner than they do? Because we just hold that in our chest. The fucking bitch had a family.
And you just carry that around for the rest of your life?

Speaker 2 Women get to get it out.

Speaker 2 Well, here's the thing. If he has kids and shit, like maybe he's just going through a fucking phase that he's working it out.

Speaker 2 You're going to blow up that family and their dad's going to leave. And just so you know, there's going to be two kids crying.
I don't know if this guy has kids. Does he have kids?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Personally, I would just take the loss and I would move on.
I would just go like, listen,

Speaker 2 I checked you out. I found out you're married, you fucking piece of shit.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 because I'm a cool chick, I'm not going to call you fucking wife. Go fuck yourself.
I mean, you could do that, or you could just, or you could just say, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know what to tell you here. I can't throw another guy under the bus like this.

Speaker 2 That's what you would do?

Speaker 2 There you go. Someone in the crowd said, that's what I would do.
Keep losing weight and move the fuck on. Yeah, but you have to, this is what you have to do.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know what you got to look at that guy like? You got to look at that guy like when Columbus was sailing across the ocean. He didn't see land first.
He saw branches.

Speaker 2 So he knew that something good was coming, right? That he could exploit and cut their arms off when they didn't give enough gold. Okay?

Speaker 2 Allegedly.

Speaker 2 I like how new evidence shows that he was this. What did you find?

Speaker 2 Huh? Did somebody scrawl it into a fucking tree?

Speaker 2 Yeah, just look at this guy. Okay,

Speaker 2 you're going to take some losses on your way to a championship. Okay, you don't blow up the whole team and burn down the fucking arena.
That's what you want to do.

Speaker 2 Just know this. Take it as a compliment.
You lost so much weight. You were worth risking a house for.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I got nothing.
All right. You know what?

Speaker 2 That is the podcast. This is the first ever live podcast.
Thank you guys so much for coming out. I hope you had a good time.
I hope you enjoyed it. I hope it was fun.

Speaker 2 Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Good night.

Speaker 2 What's up, everybody, and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show,

Speaker 2 NFL Edition, going into week number nine with your host, me, Paul Versey, over here. We got Bill Burr over there.

Speaker 2 You know, we have the snake on the injury report, and of course, the Greek freak, Andrew Themlis, out there in Beverly Hills. You know something?

Speaker 2 I thought, Bill, I thought I was going into the four o'clocks 2-0, feeling good about myself. And the two teams that won were the favorites I picked.
So now I'm going, oh, my two late games are dogs.

Speaker 2 I'm getting, Paulie's getting some points. And he's getting one, you're going to get one victory.
I'm going to get, that's exactly my thought process. I'm like, I'm going three and one at a minimum.

Speaker 2 Then the Cowboys pick off the Broncos and I'm like, Paulie may go four and oh. And no, I went, I ended up going two and two.
I was ready to go. Oh, I'm back in this this thing.
I went two and two.

Speaker 2 The whole show went two and two. Okay.
Cause the Cowboys stink. It's the first time I picked them and they stink.
The Cowboys stink. All right.
They just do. And,

Speaker 2 you know, what can you do? So I went two and two. You went two and two.

Speaker 2 But dude,

Speaker 2 you've been 500 or better for the last, I think, five weeks, Bill.

Speaker 2 I know, Paul, and I got to tell you, as you've been like struggling to find your footing, anybody and everybody can get it in the NFL.

Speaker 2 You have not sent me, you have never sent me so many, this guy stinks, this team stinks, this coach is fucking terrible. What are they doing? I mean, it has been.

Speaker 2 You're right. You're right about that.
Usually I'm like, oh, I saw it. I like, I have, if I look at my text to you, it is, this guy stinks.
He just doesn't have it. This team stinks.

Speaker 2 This is, this is the most negative I've got. I feel like you're going through a breakup.
I mean, these texts are just,

Speaker 2 they're coming in in hot

Speaker 2 uh she never loved me

Speaker 2 it was all bullshit it was all bullshit and the second i lose my job out the door she goes fucking whore

Speaker 2 sure

Speaker 2 i'm sorry how's you jordan how's your day i don't mean to do this you're still a good guy even when you're bitch Sure, when things are good, you're right there, huh?

Speaker 2 You're right by my side when things are good. Hey, how about this? How about this? Anybody can be around for the sunshine.

Speaker 2 You find out who people are when it starts to get a little cloudy out. I need you here in a storm.

Speaker 2 Anybody can skip along with a parasol.

Speaker 2 Dude. Well, at least the show went 500 all week.
At least we went 500, dude. And also, Bill.

Speaker 2 The NFL in a nutshell, we were three quarters into that Monday night special going, we're going to hit the third one. And then, nope.

Speaker 2 This year. The marketing.
The marketing team. It used to be the backdoor cover.
Now it's the marketing team.

Speaker 2 Whatever new rule changes they made that somehow you can have like nine possessions in the final four minutes of a fucking game.

Speaker 2 All scoring drives. You know, when you

Speaker 2 real quick, Paul, have you been watching this World Series?

Speaker 2 You know what? I watched that 18 innings.

Speaker 2 You know, here's what happened. I was watching that stupid Ed Gein thing.
That Ed Gein thing.

Speaker 2 Why does he look like the lead singer from Maroon 5? Have you seen the fucking billboard? He's sitting there with a giant chainsaw cock, and then he's got this fucking Marilyn Manson Brazier on.

Speaker 2 It's like, is this guy a serial killer creep or is he a rock star? Am I supposed to be rooting for this guy? He's collecting fucking ears.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and Charlie Hunnan, who, by the way, played him great, is way better looking than the real guy.

Speaker 2 So during it, I'm like, this guy's dresses. Ed Geen reimagined.
He's got an eight-pack abs and a chainsaw clock, honey.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 I'm. Hide your jump.
Here comes Ed Gein.

Speaker 2 Dude, the way that they fucking glorify

Speaker 2 these fucking like robber baron nerds that own these fucking, you know, own every industry now, serial killers.

Speaker 1 It's just like the whole fucking world right now.

Speaker 2 It's like, wait a minute, who's the good guy and who's the bad guy here? Dude, at the end of Ed Gein's series,

Speaker 5 Ed Gein, honey.

Speaker 2 They showed him like talking and helping the FBI and older and you felt like sympathy when he was dying. And I'm going like, this guy was like turning people into lampshades.

Speaker 2 And like now I feel for him. It was nuts.
Not feel for him, but you know what I mean. Oh, yes, that's the direction that they

Speaker 2 led you in.

Speaker 2 That looks like the cover, like the billboard for the Ed Gein thing looks like the cover of like one of those one hit wonder hair metal bands you know what i mean except that would have been a guitar bill you never found the picture of me with no shirt on outside the alamo making that face have you because that was the greatest horror movie fucking poster oh my god dude have you never found i needed that

Speaker 2 Why did you even do that? We were fucking hammered and we were walking by the Alamo and Paul goes, dude, take a quick picture of me. And I had like a flip phone.
It was that long ago.

Speaker 2 And you fucking like jumped up in the air and you had no shirt on.

Speaker 2 You made like this fucking face, dude. It was a side of your personality I had never seen.
You were like, dude, that would be the darkest, craziest horror movie poster.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Well, dude, we drank like, we drank a third of whiskey and then walked there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. We used to like, I told you, dude,

Speaker 2 I went to the doctor. My, my.
liver is totally like, it's all like dark now, no fatty. It used to look like a fucking ribeye.

Speaker 2 and after seven years they're not drinking like your your liver can as long as you don't go too hard too long the great thing is it can repair itself thank god but dude i think of some of those things that we did but like

Speaker 2 yeah you went to like college era paul versey when you told me all those crazy stories the you used to do you're like dude take a picture of me and i'm just sitting there with the camera and he takes the shirt off i'm like what the is this guy doing and you just i think because the technology too wasn't good with the phone, it was a little blurry as you brought your head around.

Speaker 2 Dude, you looked,

Speaker 2 you look like that guy that like other prisoners are afraid of.

Speaker 2 Like he has his own cell.

Speaker 2 So, so at the end of the Ed Gein thing, I look at my phone and I see Dodgers, Blue Jays, and I go, I go, bottom of the 12th. I go, should I go to bed? Because it's like one in the morning.

Speaker 2 I go, nah, I got to watch. And I watched it all the way to the 18th.
And then for the Blue Jays to lose that game and then win the next two, dude, I don't know, man.

Speaker 2 I think the Blue Jays just have that thing where even when they played the Yankees, same record, every time the Yankees would put up a run or hit a big home run, Blue Jays would just get two right back.

Speaker 3 They just keep coming, man.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's, um, I think they're gonna lose game six because uh, I keep forgetting the guy's fucking name. Uh, this Japanese kid, dude.

Speaker 2 They say if you have if you have three pitches, you can dominate an mlb game this kid has six pitches yamamoto yeah dude and they all they all come from the same place fastball change up splitter sinker it's just like what the

Speaker 2 yeah what the like how do you

Speaker 2 how do you even adjust for that it's just like what am i guessing here

Speaker 2 and the dodgers are won it last year. I wouldn't count them out yet.
I think this is going to go 7-2. It's going to be great.

Speaker 2 i think it's gonna go seven the dodgers are gonna use their entire fucking pitching staff including otani who's probably gonna hit a home run dude it's gonna it's it's gonna be an epic ending and donnie baseball don't look now paul i know he's one game away it's my only silver lining for toronto winning is donnie baseball getting at i know you don't like the home run jacket dude but it's fucking it's sick out of all the shit that i've seen all the dumb that they do that

Speaker 2 home run jacket is the shit

Speaker 2 listen if it was my team i would be cool with it it's one of those deals you know no but i like that the yankees don't do like that they understand their history um

Speaker 2 you know we're the idiots we grow beards and fucking put on mascot heads and get zoomed down in a fucking male

Speaker 2 carrier thing whatever i mean that's just whatever but here's the thing is if they if the if the dodgers win win, they'll have nine championships tied with the Boston Red Sox.

Speaker 2 And I think that that would make them tied for third. Who's in second, Paul? You know who it is.
Because you guys always say something cunty whenever they win one. The New York Post.

Speaker 2 Second in World Series? Yep, National League team.

Speaker 2 Is it the Cardinals? Yes. Yeah.
And whenever they win one, they're like,

Speaker 2 we still got 15 more.

Speaker 2 Big whoop.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 You know all I want. Listen, Paul, I know you don't write for the post, but like.
No, dude.

Speaker 2 Bill, you know me. I just want an, all I want is a Knicks championship.
I want a Knicks championship. I want to be there with my family when the Knicks hoist it up.
That's all I need.

Speaker 2 When that happens, dude, that's it. I put my hands up and I say whatever else happens in this life sports-wise.
That's it.

Speaker 3 You know, Paul,

Speaker 2 when you used to say this in your 30s, I was like, this is going to happen.

Speaker 5 Now you're in your 40s.

Speaker 2 Dude, I'm going to call you like a drunk calls somebody.

Speaker 2 This is what I'm going to tell you, Paul. I need you to start eating salads

Speaker 2 if you're going to be around

Speaker 2 to increase the odds

Speaker 2 of seeing a Knicks champ. But you guys, you guys got a good squad, though, no? No, we got a shot in the next two, three years.
That's our window. But, dude, I'm going to call you up.

Speaker 2 I've always loved it.

Speaker 2 You know, but I might not be like that because I saw Josh Adam Myers.

Speaker 2 I saw Josh Adam Myers when the Capitals won.

Speaker 2 And dude, he, it was bordering what we saw that guy from Argentina go, like Josh Adam Myers was like, and I called Josh and I go, dude, was that serious or were you joking? Like, I didn't know.

Speaker 2 He goes, no, dude, emotions got over me. And part of me was just like, that's a lot, dude.

Speaker 2 Just be like,

Speaker 2 did you see that guy when the texas rangers won he was like in his mid to late 50s and he just goes

Speaker 6 he goes

Speaker 2 and his wife was well what is it is it the realization that it finally happened and it's over and whatever you don't like about your life still exists i think and this championship didn't fix it i think you were in that recliner or couch for so long saying negative

Speaker 2 and i think when it finally happened, there was a part of you. But I think you're right.
I think it's psychological about your life and your past. Seriously.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I feel like people, the happier you are with your life, the, the more, the easier you can take a loss from the team that represents your city. And I just kind of feel, oh, that's not true.

Speaker 2 That isn't true. I can't say that, dude.
I literally can't. I started watching this series, dude, and it just like, it just gets in me like, dude, you've been all over it.
Dude, game three,

Speaker 2 game three, the fucking home plate umpire. I don't know what the Blue Jays did to him, but dude, he was calling, he was calling these high strikes.
Like, here's the top of the strike.

Speaker 2 It was like here.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 They had one that was so fucking like outside. It was either high or outside.
I can't remember. And the guy like delayed.
It's like, boom, 1,001, 2002, 2003. And he goes, Steer,

Speaker 2 like fucking Frank Debbin.

Speaker 2 He did like the Frank Drevin thing. And fucking Beaubuchette was on first base.
They thought it was the walk. I saw that.
So he starts going to second. Totally fucked him.

Speaker 2 It's been like

Speaker 2 better. What do you like better?

Speaker 2 The nonchalant strike guy? The guy who goes like,

Speaker 2 or do you like the guy that goes like, hey,

Speaker 2 which one is that? It depends on whether my team threw a strike or not. I love the nonchalant guy.
He just makes me laugh when he just goes, ball.

Speaker 2 And then the other guy, when it's a strike, he goes, hey,

Speaker 2 that guy.

Speaker 2 What about the explainer? Ball comes in. That's outside.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 All right, guys. We're on a tight.

Speaker 2 Three more of those, and he's on first base.

Speaker 2 Jake the snake, what do you got for injury reports before we do these picks, my man?

Speaker 7 All right. How you doing?

Speaker 2 Here he is.

Speaker 2 He's wearing his Dodger blue.

Speaker 7 I represent, even when we're losing, and I agree with you guys. I think we win game six tomorrow, and we're going to lose game seven.

Speaker 6 That's where I'm at currently.

Speaker 2 Jake, why do you sound like you're underwater?

Speaker 7 I don't mean to. Is my microphone not working?

Speaker 2 Hold on. Yeah, it sounds like something's blocking it.

Speaker 7 Oh, hold on, Ben. I see the problem.

Speaker 2 Jake, says Snake is troubleshooting right now.

Speaker 3 And Bill, you actually go first this week.

Speaker 6 All right, can you hear me now?

Speaker 2 Yes. Yes.

Speaker 6 Okay, yeah. So represent a team even when they're

Speaker 6 losing or if they're winning. And I think you guys nailed it that we're going to lose.
We're going to win game six with Yamoto and then we're going to lose game seven.

Speaker 2 You don't think it's anybody's game, game seven?

Speaker 6 I mean, well, of course it is, you know,

Speaker 6 it can be, but the Dodgers offense has been very bad. And so is our bullpen.
The starting pitching has kind of hid these problems because they've been so great.

Speaker 6 But yeah, we just haven't really been hitting them.

Speaker 2 Who would start game seven?

Speaker 6 That's a good question.

Speaker 6 It could be Otani.

Speaker 2 What's that? I said thank you, Jake.

Speaker 6 Could be Otani. It could be Glass now.
Those are probably the two

Speaker 6 that they'll go with.

Speaker 2 I feel like it's game seven. It's the kitchen sink.
Totally. Everyone's on a short leash.
You old.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 6 And yeah, Mookie's going to be the key. He only has like, I believe it's two or three hits this series.
So we're going to need him to turn it around. Um, but he's awesome, so I hope.

Speaker 2 All right, I gotta bring something up that they said they're saying how Mookie Betts is the right fielder, and this year you need him to play him to play it shortstop,

Speaker 2 so he moves over to shortstop. He hasn't played there since like little league, and he's up for a gold glove.
So they announced his trying to compare that.

Speaker 2 He goes, That's like some Tiger Woods or some Kobe stuff.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, It's not Kobe,

Speaker 2 it is not Kobe Bryant. Would not change positions for anybody.

Speaker 2 And if Otani was getting more fucking attention than him, he would make the Dodgers choose between him and Otani. Like enough already.
Dude, Mookie Betts. Mookie Betts is a monster.

Speaker 2 How about Otani Betts and then Freddie Freeman? Back to back to back to back. Freddie Freeman's one of the most clutch playoffs got that me, myself, and Irene fucking haircut.

Speaker 2 Comes up like a state trooper from the 80s and just smashes it over the fucking wall. I I love Freddie Freeman.
Great dude, too. He also, dude, that guy will shake off like a strikeout.

Speaker 2 Like he just, he has that, he just, you see it. He just walks back to the dugout.
You know,

Speaker 2 what do they say? Water off a duck's back. Doesn't bother him.
And then just fucking goes up there. Dude, I fell asleep top of the 18th inning.

Speaker 2 I watched the whole game and I was fighting it and I fucking fell asleep.

Speaker 2 And,

Speaker 2 you know, it's funny, I woke up to my wife came downstairs and she'd cleaned because I had like some food. and I mean, 18 innings, Paul.

Speaker 2 I mean, I looked like I was a fucking bachelor by the, by the 50th inning. I had all these plates and shit.
She came in, cleared everything out and just left me under the blanket. I kind of woke up.

Speaker 2 I said, oh, you weren't going to get me to come upstairs. She goes, no, you just look so peaceful.
Oh, that's good. That's nice.
That's one of the nicest things she ever said to me. Oh, dude.

Speaker 3 That just made me happy.

Speaker 2 All right, Jake, we got to do these pics here. What was walking around in the background, Paul? Like, now now that we talked about...

Speaker 2 That's my buddy Roger.

Speaker 2 I'm in the studio. They're setting up for my pod.
Oh, okay. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 I'll go through it quickly.

Speaker 6 The good news is it's mostly good news. Lamar Jackson's finally back tonight against the Dolphins.

Speaker 6 So that's going to be really exciting. We got Jaden Daniels back for the Sunday night game against Seattle for the Commanders.
Okay.

Speaker 6 Unfortunately, I'm sure you saw Paul, but Cam Scada, who's going to be out for the rest of the year with that ankle injury. That was pretty gross.
And hopefully he recovers.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and shout out to Big Dom, security of the Philadelphia Eagles, for going to the hospital and giving Cam Scataboo and his family and his friends pizzas and cheese steaks. Just a class act.

Speaker 2 Just such an Italian, great thing to do.

Speaker 3 For sure.

Speaker 6 It was very nice to them.

Speaker 2 If he just showed up and just gave pizzas and cheesesteaks and he's on the opposing team, I mean. He's fatting him up because he can't do cardio right now.
He knows what he's doing.

Speaker 2 Or he's going to say, hey, when you're a free agent, come to Philly.

Speaker 2 Hey, Paul, if I've learned anything from Italians, those cheese steaks aren't free.

Speaker 2 Everything is. That's going to be a one-time visit.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 All right, guys, it is time for our picks. Before we do the picks, we have to shout out our sponsor.
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Speaker 2 Bill, you are on the clock with the first pick going into week number nine. Guys, we're done this in seven weeks, which is nuts.
Wow. Seven? No, no, no, no, because there's also a bye week.

Speaker 2 We're halfway through. This is the halfway point.
Yeah,

Speaker 6 that's right.

Speaker 2 Paul, don't take that week away from me, man. I need it.

Speaker 2 All right. I'm going to go conspiracy theory in the beginning.

Speaker 2 I feel like the bills.

Speaker 2 Not me.

Speaker 2 Hopefully, Sunshine.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Hey, Paul, I'm going to go where I always go. That's what I should have said.
There you go. Thank you.
Thank you for correcting me. I needed that.

Speaker 2 I think the Bills are a better team. I really do.
But I just think the Chiefs make the fucking NFL more goddamn money. And I got to give it to the NFL.
They gave the Ravens and the Bills six weeks.

Speaker 2 to become the storyline of the AFC. They did not.
And next thing you know, the refs put their hankies away and here come the fucking Chiefs. chiefs um

Speaker 2 oh but then if the bills win and then they meet in the playoffs because the chiefs avenge their loss

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 i was all in on the chiefs minus two going into buffalo on the road what is it is there some sort of injury out there no everybody's healthy although uh pacheco won't play for the chiefs but otherwise um billiness

Speaker 3 all right you know what i don't know why i'm gonna do this to myself but I'm going to take the bills.

Speaker 2 Okay. I fucking had it.

Speaker 2 God damn it. You just took my pick.

Speaker 2 Enough already.

Speaker 2 Plus two at home. Just enough already.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. I just know they're going to fucking...

Speaker 2 He holds the fucking ball.

Speaker 2 All right. I like the pick.
I was going to pick. I'm going to take the fucking bills.

Speaker 2 I went with my heart.

Speaker 2 I know the cuts are going to win.

Speaker 3 I know they're going to win.

Speaker 2 There's going to be some sort of, somebody's going to go like this to a receiver.

Speaker 2 Who did the, who did the Dolphins beat last week, Jake?

Speaker 6 They beat Atlanta.

Speaker 2 Do I take the Dolphins getting over a touchdown tonight at home? Or was that the fluke last week?

Speaker 2 When do the fucking Ravens show up?

Speaker 2 Please. How many fucking times?

Speaker 6 Great point.

Speaker 2 But when the fuck do they actually cover a goddamn game? I'm not even talking about winning games. Talk about the spread.

Speaker 2 When the fuck do they do you a solid?

Speaker 6 When they play a bad team.

Speaker 2 God damn it, Jake.

Speaker 2 That just kicked me right in the chest right there.

Speaker 3 Oh, God.

Speaker 2 Dolphins are at home. Seven and a half.

Speaker 2 Lamar Jackson coming back, though, Paul. Dude, these lines, these lines, eight and a half, seven and a half, fucking nine and a half.
Paul, it's like they have more knowledge than us and a computer.

Speaker 2 No, they've seen what I did the last few years.

Speaker 2 Paul, they got you on a wall like a mob family. I'm going to take the Houston Texans.

Speaker 6 I love it.

Speaker 2 Minus one and a half at home against the Broncos. The Texans looked good.
I think this is where they turn things. I'm going to take the Texans minus one and a half, almost a pick'em, almost a pick'em.

Speaker 2 I'm going to take them at home. All right.
I'm going to ride with my Patriots.

Speaker 2 They've just been winning. I would say, you know, the halftime adjustments the New England Patriots, Mike Brable, and all their coaching staff have been making this year.

Speaker 2 It's a tail of two halves, Paul. How do you like that? Getting a little poetic here.
Like, there's a lot of games we just have.

Speaker 2 It's close in the first half, and then in the second half, we just pull away. And you know what we do, Paul? We cover.

Speaker 2 The Patriots fucking cover. I'm taking him at home.
Minus five and a half.

Speaker 2 I just love how we're spreading the ball around.

Speaker 2 I just feel like Drake may like three touchdowns, three different receivers. All right.
What I do need is Stefan Diggs.

Speaker 2 Whatever the fuck he tapped into when he played Buffalo, I need to see that again.

Speaker 2 I need to see that again. I want

Speaker 2 if he fucking did that every goddamn week, dude. he did that every week.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
I like the pick.

Speaker 2 I'm going to take the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Speaker 2 Listen, this is it for me with them. So, Roger, I know you're a Jags fan.

Speaker 2 This is it. This is like when your kid gets one more chance so they don't get in trouble.
This is it. I'm taking the Jags minus three against the Raiders.
I think they're a better team.

Speaker 2 I think that they have a better quarterback and they're coming off of a loss.

Speaker 2 I'm going to take Jacksonville minus three on the road in Las Vegas. All right.
I'm going to take the Vikings getting eight and a half, going into Detroit. It's a division rivalry game.

Speaker 2 I think the Lions will be covering for most of the game, and then they're going to get some sort of backdoor cover.

Speaker 2 It's just these fucking games, these division games,

Speaker 2 they never make sense.

Speaker 6 No, it's a good, good take. JJ McCarthy's returning too, for the Vikings.

Speaker 2 I like that. I like that.
I like when Jake Jake likes what I like because I know Jake has way more knowledge.

Speaker 2 It's like I'm cheating off his math paper, and I look over and he goes, that's the answer. I got two.

Speaker 2 Hey, Jake, why are the Giants only, why are the Giants plus two in a half at home against the 49ers when we don't have Scatterboo, we don't have neighbors? What's going on with the Niners?

Speaker 2 Any injuries? I mean,

Speaker 6 they don't have Nick Bosa and Fred Warner for the rest of the year.

Speaker 6 They've been dealing with a lot of injuries too, so it's kind of weird that they are favored, to be honest. But

Speaker 6 yeah, you can really go either way there. But that line kind of didn't make sense to me.

Speaker 2 Look, dude, I got to play for keeps. This is it.

Speaker 2 This is it. I'm going to be at the game.
I think you guys want to know what I'm doing? Oh, I'll tell. I just found out.
I'll tell you what I'm doing.

Speaker 2 I just found out that my guest on my new podcast is running late. So I have a quick story.

Speaker 2 Not story, but for the first time ever, Bill, I'm sure you've done done this jake i don't know if you've done this themlos i don't know if you've done this but for the first time

Speaker 2 for the first time oh hey ain't the first time uh

Speaker 2 no uh i never got a hooker by the way well no um

Speaker 2 had to think about it um i'm gonna do someone's some woman's reputation almost went over the side you pulled her back in the boat the last second

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 i think i'm gonna take my family to giants 49ers at one o'clock we're gonna get in the car and go through the lincoln tunnel and we're gonna go see the knicks bulls at seven o'clock same day two games going giants during the day new york knickerbockers at night we'll be home like one in the morning after a long day even if we're tired monday why the hell wouldn't i do that

Speaker 2 dude that's like

Speaker 2 if my dad did that i would be this is the greatest dad ever stacy's like that's a long, big day. And I'm like, yes, it is.
We're going to do a change of clothes. We'll get the Giants gear warm.

Speaker 2 Then we go to Inside the Knicks. Why not?

Speaker 2 All right. Now, what are you going to do for her? You got to give her a spa day after that.
She's a trooper. Dude, you want to know what's funny about Stacy? She gets there at MetLife Stadium.

Speaker 2 Come on, big blue. Play some D.
Awesome. Like,

Speaker 2 the first time she said, let's go, blue. Let's go, blue.
I was like, all right, dude. I knew, I knew I, I, hey, I knew I saw things.
All right.

Speaker 5 Um,

Speaker 2 or is it my pick here? Yeah, Paul, yeah, I don't know what is with your camera. You're just, you're, you're fading away, like back to the future.
Yeah, this thing.

Speaker 2 There we go.

Speaker 2 Should I do what happened with the Steelers, dude? They, they were winning. Everything was going good.
Now they're playing the Colts.

Speaker 2 Coming off a loss. They're at home.
Daniel Jones. Daniel Jones looks so good.

Speaker 2 What are they? 7-1?

Speaker 6 The 7-1.

Speaker 2 Dude. Well, he's standing back there like he's flying a kite.
Dude, he's brushing his teeth.

Speaker 2 They got an amazing offensive line. Dude, he's brushing his teeth, but not even this way.
He's getting them in the back. He's scratching his ass.
Just.

Speaker 2 Cool. I got to throw it to him.
He's pointing. Go over there.
Go over there like he's in the backyard.

Speaker 2 He's out there playing catchball. No, no, this way, this way.

Speaker 2 Oh, man.

Speaker 2 You know what? The Steelers just lost at home. Are they going to lose two at home? They're both times plus three.

Speaker 2 Paul, Aaron Rodgers, is he going to get schooled by this?

Speaker 2 Is he going to let the, I mean, no. You know what? I'm going to take the Steelers.
I don't think they lose two in a row at home. They're getting points.

Speaker 2 And let's be honest, the Colts need a little bit of a reality check. They need to come down.
They need to get a loss. I'm going to take the Steelers getting three at home.

Speaker 2 I can see that being a tie and me getting half a game, but I don't see Rodgers and them losing two in a row, especially how they lost the last one. I'm gonna take the Steelers at home.

Speaker 2 All right, this is my problem with Aaron Rodgers.

Speaker 2 Okay, when the guy has a beard, he looks like an 1800s gunslinger. He looks like he's a fucking Dwayne Allman or some shit, right? He shaves the beard off.

Speaker 2 He looks like a surprised witness in like a fucking mob trial or something. Like all of a sudden, I just start seeing like his eyes get all big, but he's got the

Speaker 2 you know the beard he looks like he's in the eagles in the 70s and i believe in him clean shaven aaron roots just scares me all right i like it i'm just saying that's just just my thing he goes he goes eli

Speaker 2 yeah if he goes the other way he goes kenny stabler all right i'm just

Speaker 2 what i'm really doing here is is i'm i'm stalling

Speaker 2 because I don't have another fucking pick that's really jumping out at me.

Speaker 2 So I don't know why. Maybe because I want to watch a little Sunday night football.

Speaker 2 Dude, what the fuck happened to the Saints? They're 14-point underdogs. I'm going to

Speaker 2 Saints will probably cover. I'm actually going to take the Seahawks.

Speaker 2 Minus three. Wait, they're laying three going into DC and they're getting their quarterback back.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Jake.

Speaker 2 And that's the kind of thing that doesn't make any sense, does it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, anyway, you go. Yeah, Jake.
That's when you know. We are grasping at straws this week.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Come on, man.
Don't fucking, don't.

Speaker 2 I've been treading water here. I'm going to take the Seahawks.
I don't give a fuck, Jake. Let them know.
Yeah. All right.

Speaker 2 You know, Jake, until you get something on those shelves behind you, I'm taking the fucking Seahawks.

Speaker 2 All right, I got one. He doesn't have any knickknacks.
Paul, we got to get this kid some knickknacks.

Speaker 6 They're on my desk.

Speaker 2 Oh, you know what it is, dude? You're out there and you're fucking slaying it, and you're not letting her fucking bring any of her shit over because you've been there.

Speaker 2 And somewhere along the line, you realize, man,

Speaker 2 that you got the same genetics as Mac Davis. You look like a modern-day Mac Davis, right?

Speaker 2 Baby, baby, don't you give. Oh, what is it? Baby, baby, don't you,

Speaker 2 baby, baby. All right, so I got the jags because I'm just going to love you and sit.
Don't get hooked on me.

Speaker 6 You know what's nice? I see my future with you, actually, Bill, because one day I won't have all his hair. I can grow the beard and go with the ball click.

Speaker 2 Dude, we're going to send you to Turkey

Speaker 2 just for the show.

Speaker 2 We're going to send you to Turkey. Because it's early enough.
It's early enough. We can see it coming.
We'll get ahead of it.

Speaker 2 I'm doing all right, but I know it's on the horizon. There he is, Matt Davis.
I'm telling you, that's Jake the snake right there. Not the old guy, the young guy.

Speaker 2 All right. My

Speaker 2 very,

Speaker 2 well, look.

Speaker 2 I don't know if I see it.

Speaker 2 You know what's funny? He's probably like 28 in that photo. Dude, that's Brady Bocher.

Speaker 2 Dude, he literally had a song and women would like, they would swoon to it.

Speaker 2 Baby, baby, don't you give up on me because I'm just going to love you and set you free. I'm just banging you, sweetheart.
Oh, my God. That was the working title for it.
It was the 70s.

Speaker 6 That's romance.

Speaker 2 Dude,

Speaker 2 it all made sense back then.

Speaker 6 Did you guys pick four each?

Speaker 2 No, I gotta go pick my fourth. I gotta go one more.

Speaker 2 I can't do it. Come on, Paulie.
You can do it.

Speaker 2 I can't do it. I was thinking giants.
I don't know, dude.

Speaker 6 Do it.

Speaker 2 Paul, you got to be there with your family.

Speaker 2 Is that, yeah, like, so I shouldn't be.

Speaker 2 You know what? I'm projecting.

Speaker 3 I thought Dad was happy to go to two games in one day. What happened?

Speaker 2 Should I do it? Should I take the Cowboys over? Should I take the Cowboys at home over the Cardinals? It's kind of their season, isn't it?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Yeah, for the Cowboys, for both, but definitely the Cowboys.

Speaker 2 All right. I'm going to take the Cowboys.
Monday night football. They got to win by three at home, or they're pretty much done against the Cardinals.

Speaker 2 I could sleep with that. So that's what I'm going to do.
Well, just out of, just for my own sanity, the top of this podcast. I know.

Speaker 2 Okay. But I didn't see the Cardinals, and I think that,

Speaker 2 you know, I got to say. Is Tyler Murray playing?

Speaker 6 We don't know yet.

Speaker 2 What is this? We don't know yet, shit.

Speaker 6 Because it's still early in the week. They don't announce it officially until Friday and sometimes Saturday for certain games.

Speaker 2 This is the league colluding with Vegas to this podcast. That didn't happen last year.

Speaker 2 But you know what? I didn't have Paulie win again. I listen,

Speaker 2 I picked the Cowboys over the Broncos because they were getting points, but the Broncos were clearly a superior team. I don't know that's the case with the Cardinals.

Speaker 2 I know I started the show saying I don't trust them and they stink.

Speaker 2 It's minus, it's almost less than a field goal. I'm going to take it.
That's my four. There you go.
And Bill, it's time to sing. Oh,

Speaker 2 all right, everybody. Here we go.
Let the Monday Night Special

Speaker 2 win some money for you. Let the Monday Night Special

Speaker 2 with some motherfucking money for you.

Speaker 2 All right, Bill, are we going to go with the Cowboys?

Speaker 2 Do you like the Cowboys minus two and a half at home on a Muslim? I like the Cowboys cheerleaders.

Speaker 2 I don't like their ownership.

Speaker 2 It's a good take, yeah.

Speaker 2 i you know i i think we're gonna

Speaker 2 disrespecting them paul minus two and a half at home they're disrespecting them disrespecting them cd lamb is back great receiver dak is other than a couple games dak is playing pretty decent i i think i think we go dak to throw one cd to catch one and cowboys to not money line cowboys to cover that's my thing you guys tell me what you don't i liked everything until not money line.

Speaker 6 I like the money line.

Speaker 2 I like the money line.

Speaker 6 Okay. I like Dak for sure

Speaker 6 to throw on. I think this is going to be a lot of points.
So if, you know, we can even look, how, what's the over-under? That's 52.5. That's a big number.
But I mean,

Speaker 6 we could look at something like that. I think that's a good idea.

Speaker 2 You know, 52 and a half, big number and then a little spread.

Speaker 2 So they're just saying there's going to be no defense in this game. Yeah, they're saying, they're saying shootout.
They're saying shootout and whoever has it last that's what they're saying

Speaker 6 yeah i saw that a cowboy bronco game and he kept the cowboys defense is very bad very bad

Speaker 3 jesus jake i mean you're making me well i took it too

Speaker 2 what's the what's the cardinals record jake

Speaker 2 um i think they're two and four i i i don't have it on hand yeah they're they're they're not very good new coach rich gannon's son is the coach yeah um

Speaker 2 You like CD to catch one? I do. He's Dak's go-to.

Speaker 6 That's a good one.

Speaker 6 Cardinals are two and five and it's

Speaker 6 53 and a half. I knew it was two and a half.

Speaker 2 53 and a half is a high number.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow.

Speaker 6 That is really high. Maybe we just stay away from the total and just hate Cowboys.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 I don't like that number. 53 and a half is,

Speaker 2 yeah, they're not counting on defense. Let's do Cowboys to win,

Speaker 2 Dak to throw one to CeeDee Lamb to catch one.

Speaker 6 I like it.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 money like Cowboys, or are we just going to do the two and a half?

Speaker 2 The odds will be better. They'll win more money if we do the two and a half.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because we're opening the door to losing.

Speaker 2 All right, let's fuck it. We'll do it against the spread.
Okay. Cowboys are going to win this game.
Cowboys are going to win this game. I feel it.
I think so. They have to.

Speaker 6 They do. And they are the better team than Arizona.

Speaker 2 I think so.

Speaker 2 And they got pretty beat up bad. They got a little embarrassed.
You know, that building has not been fun this week for them. That's what I learned about the NFL.
Do you know that?

Speaker 2 They say when a team loses, especially bad, it's like the building is brutal. They're like, it's like they just want to wash it out.
So there we go. That's what I'm going to do.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 That was.

Speaker 2 All right. Bill, I got to be honest with you.

Speaker 2 I think the, I think, and I know what you're going to say, don't jinx me. I think the Vikings get an eight and a half.
That's the game. and that's that's got to be.

Speaker 2 If that's not a win, my name ain't Paul T. Versey.

Speaker 2 Don't, don't, don't, listen, don't do that to my bets. I love the pick, and I wanted the bills.

Speaker 6 What were you thinking of?

Speaker 2 Yeah, what were you thinking of? The whole show, I didn't bring up the fact that you're dressed like Elmer Funn today.

Speaker 2 I didn't bring that up the whole fucking show. And then, what are you doing?

Speaker 2 One day out of the fall, I go red and black lumberjack. I like it, Paul.
You look like you're up there hunting pheasants, getting some quail eggs out back.

Speaker 2 You're hunting rabbits.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think the game of the week this week is Bills Chiefs.

Speaker 2 That's the one to watch. Paul, can you put on the matching hat, please? I wish I had it.

Speaker 2 I literally...

Speaker 2 Dude, I wish, even with the ear flaps.

Speaker 2 The ear flaps with the fur?

Speaker 2 That's what fucking Ed Geiden wore.

Speaker 2 Dude, I know. He wasn't out there looking like he was on the fucking,

Speaker 2 what do they call it the surprise singer dude one of the funniest things in that series one mask the mask singer

Speaker 2 i don't know no spoiler alert here how the did they sell that show paul what the mask singer oh i know i know

Speaker 2 we're gonna take a famous singer we're gonna put him in a mask and then he's gonna come out going tiptoe through the tulips

Speaker 2 who is it he's singing in false set oh is that aussie osborn

Speaker 5 yeah Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then, you know, it's like a butterfly takes its head off and it was Rudy Giuliani. It's like, get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 2 Fucking, that's what I'm doing. People watch it fall.

Speaker 2 Fucking Rudy Giuliani dressed like a fucking, anyway,

Speaker 2 dude, one of the funniest things was Ed Gein had that like, oh, how are you, man? Like that. Well, that's what they did in the movie, even though in real life his voice wasn't that high.

Speaker 2 So that Charlie Hun hunted uh uh hunting he kind of went high pitch so dude there's a scene spoiler alert where the woman that he killed from the hardware store he

Speaker 2 he hunt and he was like the cop's mother so the detective goes there and goes where's my mom he's looking and he's he's like in denial he's like she can't be here she's not here there's not there her body parts aren't here and then all of a sudden he's like the shed the barn and he runs in And dude, the mother is hanging upside down, decapitated, gutted like a deer, all these things.

Speaker 2 And he just screams, screams. And Ed Gein comes home and all the cops are there.
And he's looking around. He goes, What's going on here?

Speaker 2 The guy just runs out of the barn, grabs him, and starts beating the shit out of him. What did you do?

Speaker 2 And Ed Geid's going, This is uncalled for.

Speaker 2 It was the craziest shit, dude. He's like, was still being that like Wisconsin.
What'd you do that for? And I was just like, oh, geez.

Speaker 2 Oh, geez. What did you? That was uncalled for.

Speaker 2 I wanted a human ear sandwich.

Speaker 2 You know, you get cravings.

Speaker 2 Me and Jim Norton were going. Netflix is going hard

Speaker 2 with sort of

Speaker 2 stereo killer origin stories. And let's take another look at them.
Are they bad people? Dude. Or are they more interesting? I don't watch any of that shit.

Speaker 2 My wife had on this show Great Neighbor or something like that. It is the most fucked up thing I've ever watched in my life because it's actual body cam footage.
And I'm literally just.

Speaker 2 Oh, I saw that. I saw that.
Dude, it was so heartbreaking to see the kids cry. And dude, there's a scene in the Ed Gein thing where people are like, it's going to disturb you.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, I watch all this shit. They should give that bitch the fucking death penalty.
They should. They should fucking kill her.
She went there. She wanted to fucking shoot somebody.

Speaker 2 The fucking kids were just playing.

Speaker 2 She was bullying children and then she shoots somebody through a locked fucking door. Dude, seeing those

Speaker 2 lying on

Speaker 2 she was, she was, she was, dude, like, I, I watched it. I was heartbroken and I was fucking furious.
And it's just like, why am I watching this before I go to bed?

Speaker 2 There's nothing I can do to help those kids. Nothing to do to bring that mother back.

Speaker 2 It's just fucking horrible. I feel the same way when I saw that.
And I love when she got the sentence for life and she just kind of knew.

Speaker 2 She just was like, okay, like she's a piece of shit and she lied.

Speaker 2 and the cops caught her in a lie and she's like i can't do this i can't do this he's like you're gonna fucking stand up i love when the cops treated her like that um

Speaker 2 dude there's a scene in ed gein that i actually turned away to the point where i just went like this i swear to god i went like this and then i just started looking at my phone was he doing the risky business dance in his tidy whities no he was having sex with a dead body

Speaker 2 no dude he was having sex with a dead body and he like pulled the panties down and just like put his pants down and i'm going uh dude what's the world Series? I just couldn't do it, dude.

Speaker 2 It was just, it was just like Nephil Versey draws the line. It reenacted Necrophilia.

Speaker 2 I knew there was a reason I hung out with you, Paul.

Speaker 2 Listen, just fuck that dead body on the couch.

Speaker 2 Oh, you're not like the kitchen table. Take out your dick, stick it in its mouth.

Speaker 2 What the fuck am I? What are you sitting here?

Speaker 2 And then his girlfriend comes home and he likes to

Speaker 2 with the chainsaw cock

Speaker 2 dude his

Speaker 2 his girlfriend comes home and he starts to be intimate with her and he goes I don't know how to I don't want to hear this because you're too warm

Speaker 2 he put her in an ice bath

Speaker 2 horrible anyways um

Speaker 2 guys that's the show he put her in an ice bath before this you know what's the weirdest thing is they're making up most of that shit i guarantee you dude i just did sam roberts show on serious all of it is not.

Speaker 2 They tried to act like he helped catch Ted Bundy. He didn't.
He didn't talk like that. He didn't kill the amount of people Netflix said he killed.

Speaker 2 And every award show, Hollywood is wagging their fingers at other states how they need to do better. It's like, you're making Ed Gein like a fucking

Speaker 2 math singer. Bill, when you did this for Ed Gein, I was picturing Patrick Mahomes.

Speaker 2 Get the body, get the body.

Speaker 2 Dude, Netflix, it's becoming the serial killer channel. It's nuts.

Speaker 2 People are watching.

Speaker 2 No, Ted Bundy's next. It's called.
I hate that fucking reasoning. People are watching.

Speaker 2 People are dumb.

Speaker 2 Help them get smarter. I just said help them get smarter.
That's how dumb I am.

Speaker 2 People smart.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude, Law and Order has been on for fucking 40 years. People love that shit, man.

Speaker 2 My favorite Law and Order is special special victims.

Speaker 2 What do you want to watch? Rapes every week.

Speaker 6 No, my favorite was the episode you were in, Bill.

Speaker 2 Oh, what one was that? Oh, that was the original Law and Order.

Speaker 2 I remember my grandmother was still alive, she called me up and she made fun of me because I only had a couple of lines.

Speaker 2 You sleeping with the fishies?

Speaker 2 No, that's what she did. She goes, You swimming with the fish.
Oh, shit, my mistake. It was Ed Gee.

Speaker 2 Spoiler alert. I come, oh, this is the best part.

Speaker 2 Here's some behind the fucking music shit about that.

Speaker 2 When they dressed me, they wanted me to be a creep because I was out like jogging or something and I'm hitting on what I think is a woman under the Brooklyn Bridge.

Speaker 2 So the wardrobe lady was all excited. They had a jacket or a vest.
She goes, this is the ugliest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. And she goes, would you wear this? I go, I love it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, let's dude. It was like fucking pea pea suit green with a shit brown stripe and a yellow or something.

Speaker 2 So I wear this thing. And then like a week later, I still remember where I was.
I was like on 9th Avenue in 18th Street. And I saw a real person walking down

Speaker 2 wearing the same jacket.

Speaker 2 That's great. That's great.

Speaker 2 Anyway. So there you go, Paul.
Yeah, there you go, guys.

Speaker 2 Yeah, watch the World Series instead of all this horrible stuff. Ed King reimagined as a rockstar chainsaw cocking maroons five guy, honey.

Speaker 2 He's out there helping people,

Speaker 2 dude. There's something about being holding a chainsaw in a brassier that's just nuts.

Speaker 2 Um, all right, I would think if you did that, if you caught yourself in the mirror, you would have to be like, All right, what am I doing?

Speaker 2 This is even too much for me.

Speaker 2 All right. What's that? Get rid of the chainsaw or the Brazier.

Speaker 2 You know how they say that? They always say that with women. He just goes out of the house, take one thing off.
That's what he did.

Speaker 2 He just puts his head down. Chainsaw and an axe.
I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 There you go, guys. Monday night special.
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Check it out. I got one for you real quickly.
Yes. Sketch.

Speaker 2 You ever been to an AA meeting? Yeah. I've been at an AA meeting.
It was part of like when I got arrested for drinking, driving, you had to go and like the fucking stories that these guys had.

Speaker 2 Oh, I know. And every time they would tell a story, you'd think, okay, that was his bottom.
And I kept fucking drinking or I kept using. They should do that sketch with like serial killers.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I'm fucking a dead body and I'm holding a miter saw.

Speaker 2 And I'm thinking, like, what the fuck am I doing?

Speaker 2 And the fucking next day,

Speaker 2 the next day, I'm shoving a cow's head into this cadaver's ass, and everybody in the crowd is like, fuck

Speaker 2 he's like, I said it was the last time. And then I went to the diner, and the waitress just looked at me.
And I just, I had to, you know, everyone's going, oh, I know, I know.

Speaker 2 And the whole family is crying, screaming, saying, How could you do this? And I didn't even understand the question.

Speaker 3 So, I'm like, how do I get rid of my victims?

Speaker 2 I guess I got to eat them.

Speaker 2 Oh, Paul. You can't hear you, Paul.

Speaker 2 I think it came unplugged. Plug it in.
How about now?

Speaker 6 Yeah, yeah, there you are.

Speaker 2 Dude, the leader of the AA meeting, the head, was this older guy, and he would tell stories about how he would get so fucking hammered in New York City that he would end up in Italy and he would end up in London.

Speaker 2 This dude would black out, go to the airport, pass out on an airplane, dude, and he would wake up in Europe. And me and my boy would just go, hey, that's a buzz, all right?

Speaker 2 I know

Speaker 2 that guy's got money. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 He would get blacked out drunk and just end up in Italy and just be drunk. I know people that would get on a train and end up in Albany.
That's the level of person I was drinking with.

Speaker 2 I got nervous being in my friend's house, let alone being in fucking Italy.

Speaker 2 Just looking around, dude, what the fuck did I? Was this AA meeting down on Wall Street? Where the fuck was this fucking me?

Speaker 2 Dude, that was his thing, though. That was his MO travel.
So he would just get black. And I would wake up.
And I would be in Epstein Island with like a fucking 12-year-old.

Speaker 2 I'm just like, you know, those guys are going, I'll tell you what. Where am I?

Speaker 2 I'm going to Italy tonight.

Speaker 2 And people are like, yeah, sure, you are. The only thing I will,

Speaker 2 watch me.

Speaker 2 And also, back then, you could be that hammered and get on a fucking plane. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And everyone was all right with it. You could smoke cigarettes and shit.

Speaker 2 Oh, real quick, dude. I know you got to go.
My favorite thing in trains, planes, and automobiles is when John Candy crosses his legs on the plane and he takes his shoes off.

Speaker 2 He just looks at he goes, oh,

Speaker 2 oh,

Speaker 2 the way he takes his sock off when it's rolled up. He goes, oh.
He goes, my dogs are barking. My dogs are barking.

Speaker 2 Dude, I heard his dock is unbelievable. I got to watch it.
I saw it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Alan Hanks fucking crushed it. And I have to tell you that Ben Stiller one about his parents

Speaker 2 is unbelievable. That one is like,

Speaker 2 I don't even know what to say about that one. That one is just like, it's literally, it's life.

Speaker 3 Yeah. It's incredible.

Speaker 2 And just how he's able to look back when he was a kid. And some of the things that he liked, didn't like.

Speaker 2 He like owns up to like stuff of like his kids are going, yeah, you know, you did those movies, you weren't around. And he goes, You're right, you're right.

Speaker 2 He goes, I feel like in a lot of ways, I made more mistakes than my dad. Like, he's really like

Speaker 2 present, and his kids are like, Cool, dude. His daughter's hilarious, hilarious.

Speaker 2 Um, all right, guys, I gotta run, dude. Check out those docs.
Uh, enjoy football, bet responsibly. We'll see you next week, and uh, take care.

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