Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-30-25

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 3 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 3 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 2 What's going on? It's Bill Burrs. Time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
And I'm just checking it in.

Speaker 2 Check it in.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. I'm fighting off a goddamn cold.
Both my kids got sick.

Speaker 2 So you know you're getting sick. You know?

Speaker 2 You know, when your kids get sick, if as a parent, you don't know that you're going to get sick, if you actually think, even though my kids are sick, I'm not going to get sick.

Speaker 2 You know what that means? You're a bad parent.

Speaker 2 What are you fucking doing? You're putting a mask on in a beekeeper suit. You're not going to interact with them.
You're not reading them stories.

Speaker 2 You're not reenacting fucking WrestleMania whatever with your son.

Speaker 2 Whatever.

Speaker 2 Yes, I've been fighting it off.

Speaker 2 Fighting it off, meaning it's coming. Sometimes I think it's better to just give in to the cold.

Speaker 2 You know, and just let it do what it's going to do. Because I feel like when you fight off a cold, it just lasts longer.

Speaker 2 It's like if you just get a cold, it's like four days and it sucks, or you fight off a cold and it's like an entire week of like, I think I'm winning, oh, I'm losing, now I'm winning, now I'm losing.

Speaker 2 It's just like, why not just tap out?

Speaker 2 Just be like, why don't I just stick my head in a cold shower and go run down the street and just turn this into pneumonia and just fast forward through this shit?

Speaker 2 Not pneumonia. You don't want pneumonia.

Speaker 2 There you go. There's one.
There's some good information on you.

Speaker 2 Dude, what happened to the fucking Twitter guy? I don't watch the news. That guy has lost his fucking mind.

Speaker 2 That dude has lost his fucking mind.

Speaker 2 I also don't understand neo-Nazi people. I don't understand how they're in this country going support the troops,

Speaker 2 America, love it or leave it, and all of this type of shit. And it's like,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 all those guys who died on D-Day, they were fighting Hitler.

Speaker 2 Like, I've lived so long.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, everything just sort of changes after a while. It's like, wait a minute, are people trying to say he was a good guy now?

Speaker 2 The fucking level of ignorance out there. And what is that fucking Twitter guy? He literally Sieged Heil.
He didn't just Heil.

Speaker 2 You know, you can accidentally hile, hey, oh, I didn't mean like that. I didn't mean like that.
But when you add the Seeg, you meant it.

Speaker 2 Good lord. It is just so funny to me how when I was growing up, all of these fucking women that hated men, they were always focusing on the athletes and they never paid attention to the nerds.

Speaker 2 And now look at it.

Speaker 2 You know, you paid attention to the wrong fucking people. You know, they just, I don't know what their deal was.

Speaker 2 They were upset because you were a good-looking guy and you could fucking score a touchdown.

Speaker 2 These nerds just silently resenting beautiful women, resenting, you know, the fucking good-looking guy, the Burt Reynolds guy out there with the T-tops, crushing it.

Speaker 2 Silently resenting. And now we are in

Speaker 2 the true revenge of the nerds era. And look at that guy

Speaker 2 with his Turkish hair plugs and his laminated face. And now he's out here Sieg Heiling.

Speaker 2 I mean, that guy is off his fucking rocker.

Speaker 2 I can't believe he's still in like whatever position he just got.

Speaker 2 Like, how the fuck do you keep that guy in that position? It's like, wait a minute, this guy is, is he rooting for the other side? He's on the Axis side?

Speaker 2 All of these movies, Along the Fucking Way, The Greatest Generation, D-Day, all of those lives that were sacrificed so that people could live free.

Speaker 2 And this fucking nerd, because he couldn't get any pussy

Speaker 2 in high school, is now identifying with Hitler.

Speaker 2 Oh my God.

Speaker 2 This is where liberalism

Speaker 2 is bad

Speaker 2 because,

Speaker 2 and why

Speaker 2 extreme conservatism works over liberalism is because liberals

Speaker 2 at heart are non-confrontational. And this is like some shit

Speaker 2 that needs to be stomped out immediately.

Speaker 2 That people are going to like fucking try to lead us back in that direction. I mean, what are we doing? This is the United States.
We're united, not divided.

Speaker 2 And like, are we really going to fuck this up?

Speaker 2 Because Elon Musk couldn't get any pussy in fucking high school? Like, we're really going to fuck this whole thing up?

Speaker 2 Fucking guy. I mean,

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 It just

Speaker 2 boggles my fucking mind.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 We'll see how that plays out.

Speaker 2 We'll see how that plays.

Speaker 2 Why would he be a Nazi? Like, what does he feel he's not getting as a white man? I mean, it's like you're a fucking billion. You got more money than anybody.
You're still upset?

Speaker 2 Like, how do you have the bandwidth with the amount of fucking, you're shooting rockets off and all of this stuff?

Speaker 2 You still have the bandwidth to fucking to be like not liking people because they don't look like you? Is that what it is?

Speaker 2 Be honest with you. Nobody looks like Elon Musk.
That's what's scared me about that guy. You know what I mean? Like, Hitler couldn't live up to his version of

Speaker 2 what the perfect human was. What do you like? Blonde, blue-eyed, and all of those fucking Scandinavian people.
And he was this ugly little fucking troll.

Speaker 2 That was one ugly son of a bitch, I will tell you that.

Speaker 2 You know, scowling. He definitely came with the grunge vibe before grunge music.

Speaker 2 Hitler definitely had Seattle energy.

Speaker 2 He was not a sunset strip guy. T-tops, doing some blow, walking, flying, driving down the street with some big-titted fucking blonde.
That was not his vibe.

Speaker 2 Hitler's chicks had hairy legs. I'm going to say that's what it was.
That's what he could get.

Speaker 2 He was a private. He was a private in the service.
He was a private in the army. And I don't know.
And we all paid the fucking price. So now here comes another one.

Speaker 2 Here comes another one.

Speaker 2 Anyway.

Speaker 2 So I'm fighting off this fucking cold.

Speaker 2 And I'm getting ready to get out of here, head back and see what doing a play is going to to be like. I'm getting excited about it.

Speaker 2 My lovely wife threw me a surprise party last night.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 she invited fucking

Speaker 2 everybody. I couldn't believe the people that were there.
Everyone from like my closest stand-up friends, musician friends.

Speaker 2 flight instructors. I mean,

Speaker 2 everybody. I couldn't think

Speaker 2 of a part of my life. I was just like, how the fuck did you get all of these people here?

Speaker 2 And she was like, oh, she goes, when you were sleeping, for a few of them, I had to go into your phone and screenshot the phone number. I go, all right, kind of creepy.

Speaker 2 See, the second you're trying to surprise somebody

Speaker 2 on any level,

Speaker 2 like from like throwing a surprise party all the way to like, you know, invading a country or seek heiling at a presidential inauguration

Speaker 2 you know what the greatest country and the freest country in the world needs fascism

Speaker 2 unreal

Speaker 2 unfucking real um anyway so yeah she invited all of these people and

Speaker 2 and I was telling her that night I was going like I'm going yeah I don't feel good like can I just stay home she goes let's just go out for a little bit and I'm just sitting there going like why the fuck would yeah exactly nobody listens to me nobody listens to me unless I have a microphone and I'm fucking yelling into it and even then I have to yell because if I

Speaker 2 I don't know I probably don't

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 and I just had like one of those fucking days you know one of those fucking dad days husband days you know where it's just like it's just you keep doing shit for other people and everything you're asking to be done for you just can't seem to get done.

Speaker 2 I was going to do it. I just fucking, and then you have to do it yourself.

Speaker 2 But what I've learned is I don't get into fights in those moments. I just say to myself, I'm going to talk to my

Speaker 2 one of my buddies tonight and I'll talk to him and I'll be heard. I'm not doing it this way.
All right. I figured this out with like women.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 Trying to get a woman to think like you is not going to happen any more than them trying to get you to think like them.

Speaker 2 All right. So I've just had this fucking,

Speaker 2 I hate that expression, come to Jesus moment. The fuck does that mean?

Speaker 2 All right. I'm running from that guy.
All right.

Speaker 2 Not him personally. All right.
I got no problem with that surfit looking guy. You know, he looks like he, you know, goes out in a board out there in Malibu.

Speaker 2 You know, carves up the waves or whatever. I got no beef with him, him, but it's who he works for.
I stay away from those guys. You know, I cut out like the middle, you know, religion, you know what?

Speaker 2 It's like trying to give money to a charity. It's like trying to get the money to the actual people that use it once it goes through the fucking infrastructure is impossible.

Speaker 2 And that's what I find with, like, if you're going to try to have a relationship with the higher power, I don't get how you do that through organized fucking religion.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 Just inherently, it doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 2 I feel like your sense of a higher power and that there's something bigger than you is your own personal thing, and that somebody privatized it and turned it into a fucking business and then starts throwing down rules and scaring the shit out of you and telling you if you do this, you do that, all of this shit.

Speaker 2 So, they don't know. They have no fucking idea what they're talking about.
And now it's a business and they're making all this money. You make money, you got boats.

Speaker 2 You got boats, you got money, you got whores.

Speaker 2 You got whores, you know, you're out there fucking, you know,

Speaker 2 fucking having a good time. You don't want it to end.

Speaker 2 So then, I don't know, it all fucking goes away. So

Speaker 2 I feel like

Speaker 2 that's my own business. And if, and if all these different groups can make up their own bullshit of what the fuck they think is going to happen after you die, why can't I?

Speaker 2 How come I can't have my own bullshit? And I like my bullshit because it doesn't involve anybody else.

Speaker 2 I'm not putting it on anybody. There's no collection basket.

Speaker 2 There's no pedophiles.

Speaker 2 There's no getting in bed with the Nazis. And, oh, did we have some of your money? Sorry about that.
There's none of that shit.

Speaker 2 None of that shit. There's no terrorists.
There's no fucking 90 virgin. None of that shit.

Speaker 2 None of that shit.

Speaker 2 None of that shit.

Speaker 2 I don't even know what it is. It's just

Speaker 2 your own fucking thing.

Speaker 2 You're on your own.

Speaker 2 Maybe that's what. Some people, I think they just like the group dynamic.

Speaker 2 You know, just to be part of something.

Speaker 2 I mean, a lot of people don't know this, but

Speaker 2 the Nazi party started with a bake sale and people just wanting to be part of a community.

Speaker 2 Who is Elon Musk dating? Can you imagine his check when he just sees him go out there and then just watches him start Seagiling? Like, oh my God, what is he doing?

Speaker 2 He's going to burn this whole thing down. I think he just lost his job.
Oh, wait a minute. Oh, wait a minute.

Speaker 2 Nothing happened. I cannot believe nothing happened.
Nothing happened. How do you explain that away?

Speaker 2 I saw some guy who was saying gesture truthism and trying to like make it seem like people were saying that he wasn't Sieg Heiling. He goes, Okay,

Speaker 2 what was he doing?

Speaker 2 What was he saying? And then my rockets go gonna get launched and they go that way.

Speaker 2 Maybe it was.

Speaker 2 Maybe it was taken out of context. You know, who would do the Sieg part of the Heil, but not the whole Sieg Heil, was that

Speaker 2 Celine Deion.

Speaker 2 It was like she was a Nazi that was stuttering. You know what I mean? She couldn't quite get through it.
She would seek, see, seek. She'd like punch herself in the cleavage.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 2 all right. This Sunday coming up.
This Sunday coming up is sort of the

Speaker 2 calm before the storm

Speaker 2 where there's no, I'm not talking about the Super Bowl. I'm talking about no football.
You get to see what that's like. Like, oh, fuck.
No football.

Speaker 2 football fans there's one game left and then

Speaker 2 there's no football there's no

Speaker 2 football i don't know why more people don't watch the usfl

Speaker 2 you're watching a college all-star game they're sort of in the purgatory between being better than college football players and uh making it to the pros they're somewhere like cfl level

Speaker 2 um don't they play in the offseason i have no idea this is the time of year i i get into Moto GP starting up, so I get excited for that. The motorcycle racing there, and then

Speaker 2 also like college basketball, that all comes to a head as we slide into March madness, and then it's baseball season, and then we just fucking start all over again.

Speaker 2 But anyway,

Speaker 2 Monday night, I was at the Wiltern

Speaker 2 with Shane Gillis, Andrew Santino, and Dean Del Rey.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 we had such a great time.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 fucking Shane went out and absolutely murdered in front of me. Santino murdered.
Dean Del Rey murdered, even though they didn't turn the fucking lights down. He went on first.

Speaker 2 Everybody killed

Speaker 2 to the point I was like going, do they really need me to go on at the end of this fucking thing? And

Speaker 2 it's funny, my act is in this weird place where it's either like really sort of fun, uplifting family stories and then super dark conspiracy theory.

Speaker 2 So what I do is I do my conspiracy theory bits for a little bit. And when I feel like the crowd is getting too crazy, I then tell a funny family story.
And oh, yeah, okay, there's the sun.

Speaker 2 Here comes the sun. And then I fucking go back to the other shit.
But I tell them,

Speaker 2 I look, I know, I know,

Speaker 2 I know this shit is dark. I'm kind of going through some shit here, you know, as I try to figure out where this new hour is going.
But

Speaker 2 I'm kind of excited. I want to hopefully,

Speaker 2 I don't want it to be divisive, is what I'm trying to do. And I think I'm doing a good job at it because I find like when

Speaker 2 I've sort of messed around with a few of my ideas on TV lately, promoting my special that's coming out on Hulu on March 14th.

Speaker 2 Drop dead years on Hulu.

Speaker 2 I notice people will still try

Speaker 2 and like politicize it.

Speaker 2 And then, you know, which is stupid. And it's just such a small amount of the population that is really interacting with that online.
And I think a lot of it is just bots trying to get people going.

Speaker 2 What did I see recently? Something about the bird flu

Speaker 2 and eggs and all of this shit and all this stuff that's going on. The bird flu, right? And I go to the comments and every single comment is fucking political.

Speaker 2 Like, how is a flu that birds are getting?

Speaker 2 That has existed forever. Bird flu has fucking existed.
As far as I know, it's a part of nature. How do you politicize that? How the fuck do you blame that on somebody?

Speaker 2 And this is what kills me. We are so conditioned to being divided at this point.
I feel we're actually doing it to each other. All right.

Speaker 2 And these fucking laminated-faced, hair-plugged, fucking streaming service, fucking social media nerds

Speaker 2 actually have bots on there that are designed to get people into arguments.

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 2 so they'll interact

Speaker 2 with the

Speaker 2 social media platform so they can get credit for that, so they can charge what I don't know what it is.

Speaker 2 Like, that's how you make your money. You make your money dividing people.

Speaker 2 It's pretty wild.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 anyway,

Speaker 2 you know, I think liberals need to change their stance on guns, though.

Speaker 2 Which would make conservatives excited until every liberal had a gun,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 and might be a little educated and might be a little smarter might be a better shot you never know

Speaker 2 can you i don't want to go up against somebody that was on the fucking math team

Speaker 2 that actually knows how to fucking shoot as opposed to some other guy like man i just fucking whip it out and porn fucking squeeze it although you know

Speaker 2 Those guys grew up with them. I have no idea, but like, I just, don't you feel like they're trying to push us towards another civil war here? Like, what over what?

Speaker 2 Like, what exactly? Like, when you really sit down and think about what the fuck is the problem right now that it is this tense,

Speaker 2 like, you know, if you don't watch the news, if you stay off the social media and you leave your house, this is fucking war of the worlds. Like, nothing is really happening.

Speaker 2 Like, what is the fucking problem? You get on the street, you want a sandwich, boom, there it is.

Speaker 2 You got your entire music collection with you. You can play it in the car.
You can fantasize that you're in the band,

Speaker 2 that that chick you had a crush on in high school loved you. You know, you can do that.
Nobody stops you from doing that. You can go on a hike.
You can play with your dog.

Speaker 2 It's really awful what people in power do on both sides. The way they divide us and always get us like afraid that

Speaker 2 you're going to live your whole fucking life worrying about tomorrow as opposed to just having a good time. A good time today.

Speaker 2 Hey, Elon Musk, if you don't mind, we'd like to enjoy our life.

Speaker 2 I don't think we need to reboot Adolf Hitler, you fucking lunatic.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, pretty girls don't like you until you have a billion dollars.

Speaker 2 Dude, when he was Sieg Highland, that looked like one of those crazy Nick Cage movies.

Speaker 2 Like, you ever see that clip when Nick Cage went out and he was like throwing karate kicks? He was like, he was like promoting a movie and he just fucking went out.

Speaker 2 And I don't know what he was probably towards the end.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Some people don't know.
You do those press junkets, you're going to get asked the same 30 questions like 30 million times. And after a while, you kind of fucking lose your mind.

Speaker 2 And that's what I love about that clip. I feel like Nick was at the end of his fucking

Speaker 2 end of his wits there and he was just yeah

Speaker 2 out there throwing kicks

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 yeah i feel like uh

Speaker 2 maybe elon he has all this money and power and he thought it was gonna fill that fucking void and it didn't

Speaker 2 and rather than face it in a panic

Speaker 2 of the profound loneliness. Okay, and I'm coming from an empathetic place here because I experienced that when I took mushrooms.
It's a profound sense of loneliness.

Speaker 2 And then you either face that and figure out where it is,

Speaker 2 or you just go full Nazi.

Speaker 2 I don't think he's here. I feel he's more Mussolini.
If I'm to look at his face, I feel he's more Mussolini than he is

Speaker 2 than he is Hitler.

Speaker 2 But I got to be honest with you, the fact that he did that and everyone isn't fucking outraged is just

Speaker 2 beyond me.

Speaker 2 Because I always felt like this country collectively all agreed that Hitler was not a good person, to put it mildly. And I also think that we all look at World War II

Speaker 2 as far as the sacrifices that were made and what was prevented was a good thing. I feel like that's the last war that we had where people weren't like, you know,

Speaker 2 some people like, well, Vietnam, oh, you know, they were stopping the spread of communism. And then other people were like, no, that was just a fucking,

Speaker 2 whatever, right? But World War II, I was always collectively like, yeah, those were bad people. They needed to be stopped.

Speaker 2 And the sacrifices that people made was not in vain. That was without a doubt a just operation.
I thought that's where we all were.

Speaker 2 And the irony that this fucking fucking asshole was able to make a billion dollars in the nation that those kids saved in the 1940s would then turn around and fucking spoon with the person that was killing

Speaker 2 their fucking fellow

Speaker 2 soldiers is just beyond me. It's just fucking beyond me.

Speaker 2 I don't know. You know what he reminds me of? Like back in the day, like when I was coming up,

Speaker 2 there was an entire generation of comedians that I was in that was enamored with Bill Hicks.

Speaker 2 And you'd see these Bill Hicks rip-offs, and they would go on stage, and they would have like a leather jacket, and they'd be smoking a cigarette, talking about society, man.

Speaker 2 I feel like he's doing that. I think he's like

Speaker 2 a recovered nerd, and now he's trying to be like...

Speaker 2 The bad boy. What was that Johnny Depp movie?

Speaker 2 It was a really good movie. All of it.
I like all those movies, but like it was that one.

Speaker 2 The fuck was it called? It was almost like a musical. He was like 1950s Crybaby or something like that.
I feel like he's trying to be that character. He's trying to be like this bad boy.

Speaker 2 This bad boy that Kate Moss would date. And I just don't think it's going to happen no matter how much money he has.

Speaker 2 And I think that realization hit him. And he didn't know how to handle it.
And in a panic, he went full fucking third Reich.

Speaker 2 He went fourth Reich. He's trying to fucking

Speaker 2 keep it going.

Speaker 2 Um, sorry, I'm laughing about this shit because I don't know what to do about it. It's fucking terrifying.
It is absolutely fucking terrifying.

Speaker 2 Not that he did it, because there's idiots everywhere, it's that the lack of we need to stop this fucking immediately is beyond

Speaker 2 disturbing.

Speaker 2 And of all the people you could have emulated.

Speaker 2 All right, plowing ahead here.

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 3 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming.

Speaker 3 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 I don't know what else I got. Oh, so my surprise party last night.
It just was

Speaker 2 such a great thing. And my wife absolutely crushed it as she always does.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 it was this great

Speaker 2 after-party.

Speaker 2 Down at the bike shed

Speaker 2 in LA. If you've never been there, there's one there and there's one in in London.
And

Speaker 2 all they show is motorcycle racing there and a bunch of motorcycles are there. They have motorcycles on display.
There's a barbershop there. There's

Speaker 2 a place, you know, you can actually buy all this stuff if you ride. And all it's just amazing food.
It's just an incredible place.

Speaker 2 And I had been, you know, went down there a couple times and I actually did a gig down there one time for the LAPD.

Speaker 2 and sort of their function room, which was a really funny gig because I was doing the gig for all the cops, and everyone was enjoying it.

Speaker 2 And then there was this one woman in the front who was, you know,

Speaker 2 I think just classy, went to church every week, and was not appreciating what I was saying.

Speaker 2 But she, I, I, you know, I was like, you're a cop. I know you know your rights.
You have the ability to leave if you want to.

Speaker 2 And she just decided to stay there and look at me like a disappointed mother. The entire fucking set

Speaker 2 was still a good time, but my brain definitely went back to that when I went in there. I'm like, oh man.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 it was just such a

Speaker 2 great night. It was kind of what I needed.
And that's why I love my wife.

Speaker 2 Why I married her. She knew I was like really sad and depressed about leaving my family and friends and all that.
So she gave me a nice big send-off.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 it was definitely needed. So if you're listening and you were there from the bottom of my heart, thank you for coming out

Speaker 2 all right. And with that, we've come to the end of the podcast here.

Speaker 2 The bar has gone even lower that now, if you just don't see Geil

Speaker 2 today, I think you had a good day.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 2 what else? What else?

Speaker 2 I think that is it.

Speaker 2 I got some work to do. I got to fucking keep trying to get off book with this thing.
Next time I talk to you guys, I will be in New York City and I'll be getting ready for this next amazing experience

Speaker 2 in this business. So that's it.
Enjoy the music picked out by Andrew Themelis, another one of my great friends in life.

Speaker 2 And we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast afterward.

Speaker 2 Have a great weekend, you can't, and I'll talk to you on Monday.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it is time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 30th, 2017. What's going on? How are you?

Speaker 1 As you can tell by my little, slightly more relaxed tone, my kids asleep downstairs, so I can't scream. I can't yell.
I can't rant and rave.

Speaker 1 Oh, I can do those things, but I have to do it in a controlled manner.

Speaker 1 That's what I have to do, you know, because the dynamics of the house changed a little bit. And I know what you're thinking.

Speaker 1 So, Bill, does that mean the dynamics of your podcast is going to change a little bit? Yeah, just a little bit, but nothing crazy. You know?

Speaker 1 Like, listen to me right now. You would have no idea that right before I got on this podcast, I just meditated.
I meditated for 10 minutes. I shut it down.
Let's focus on the sounds in the room now.

Speaker 1 Gently let those go away and focus on your breathing. I did that 10 minutes.
I guess it's helping me out.

Speaker 1 You know, I had one

Speaker 1 meltdown this week. I was trying to figure out how to put the fucking car seat into the car.
And I swear to God, dude, like the level.

Speaker 1 The level that they have over-designed those things is insane. I swear to God.

Speaker 1 I hope auto racing, they should put those fucking drivers in car seats, that nothing would ever happen to them. I couldn't figure out how to get this effing thing in there.
And did I just say effing?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm trying to learn how to.

Speaker 1 Ah, the kids' influence.

Speaker 1 It's coming in.

Speaker 1 I've been cracking Nia up by doing that.

Speaker 1 Going, hey, quit talking S and just, you know, abbreviating curses. And to her, it's hilarious because all she's ever heard me do is just, you know,

Speaker 1 curse my brains out.

Speaker 1 And I I was making her laugh last night because we were laying in bed and we were watching Wheel of Fortune with a beautiful baby between us. And I was just doing what I always do.

Speaker 1 I was trashing all the contestants and all, and everything on there. And,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 I got to say about the Wheel of Fortune, man. They're fucking some stingy cunts on that show.

Speaker 1 When it comes down to the thing, whoever, one of the three that won, when they go over and then then you try to win some big money to get in for one big hit for like 50 or 60 grand those puzzles they they're practically impossible and the clues throw you off

Speaker 1 they had one they said a phrase

Speaker 1 they go this is the phrase we'll give you these letters and of course you know none of them show up right then you pick some and a few of those show up This was the phrase, our first voyage.

Speaker 1 That's a phrase? I mean, technically, it's a phrase, but if you're going to say it's a phrase, there should be something like,

Speaker 1 like, to me, a phrase, it's somewhere between,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 an expression

Speaker 1 and, you know, just some random shit. Right? That's a phrase.

Speaker 1 Does that make any sense? Like an expression, hey, you know, fucking stitching time saves nine. Is that an expression? Is that a soliloquy? I don't know what that is, okay?

Speaker 1 But I know that's not a phrase. That's something else, but I don't know what that is.
But a phrase is just some common. Hey, check, please.

Speaker 1 You know, don't fucking touch that. I don't know.
I can't think of a good one. But you know what I mean? Our first voyage is a phrase.
Technically, it's a phrase.

Speaker 1 Pat Say Jack.

Speaker 1 I never realized. They always fuck the person over.
They try to limit the R, S's, and T's in it because they know everybody's going to

Speaker 1 guess those ones. I don't know.
And he always pulls the card. Oh, I'm sorry.
And they give you like eight seconds to solve it, and you don't get it.

Speaker 1 And then he always pulls out some ridiculous amount of money. That was for

Speaker 1 90 grand.

Speaker 1 Very stingy. But what do you expect? Because I remember back in the day, they had the shittiest prizes on that show.

Speaker 1 It's almost like they didn't want you to be happy when you left. So, as much as I'm enjoying that show, I don't know.
I'm starting to

Speaker 1 getting ready to move on to a new game show.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, am I fucking tired? I don't know how the hell I'm going to get through this hour.

Speaker 1 Because I got to run over. I'm doing Conan O'Brien tonight.
Everybody, please tune in to hype my stand-up special that comes out tomorrow on Netflix. My fifth one called Walk Your Way Out.

Speaker 1 I know what you think of it. Bill, why'd you call it Walk Your Way Out? Well, if you watch the show, you'll understand.
How about that? But if you guys could,

Speaker 1 you know, social media the whole thing up and just let people know to check the thing out so the dream continues.

Speaker 1 I would really appreciate it.

Speaker 1 I'm very proud of this one. I hope you guys like it too.

Speaker 1 I had a great time doing it, and we shot at this beautiful venue called the Ryman, which is the original place where they shot the grand old Opry.

Speaker 1 They had a couple of floorboards left from the original

Speaker 1 stage. So when you walk on those, those are the same ones that Elvis, Johnny Cash,

Speaker 1 and you know, a bunch of other white guys in fucking Minnie Pearl walked on. Hank Williams.
Hank Williams Jr.

Speaker 2 Hank Williams Jr. Jr.

Speaker 1 I told you guys I got satellite radio finally in my car after all those years of being on it on the Opie and Anthony show way back in the day. XM satellite radio

Speaker 1 way back in the day. I never had it and I didn't realize how fucking great it is.
And I've actually gotten a little bit into country music, but it's that Willie Nelson Roadhouse channel.

Speaker 1 I like the old stuff. The new shit.
I just don't fucking,

Speaker 1 I just don't, I don't get it. I'm not into it at at all.
There's got to be somebody. There's no fucking way you can have an entire genre of music and not have anybody today doing it well

Speaker 1 But who knows?

Speaker 1 So I haven't done shit this week people. I don't have any jokes.
I don't even know what the fuck to talk to you about. I've been watching Celtics and Bruins shit.
I was so tired the other day.

Speaker 1 My daughter was crying. My wife was holding my daughter and I walked over with the pacifier to try to

Speaker 1 quiet the kid and I literally walked up and tried to put it in my

Speaker 1 wife's mouth. She laughed thinking I was fucking around.
And I was like, oh, oh, sorry, sorry.

Speaker 1 Because when I walked over, she was talking. And all I was thinking was make the noise stop.
And I tried to stick it in her mouth.

Speaker 1 So anyway, so I'm starting to understand why so many parents are so cunty

Speaker 1 to people who either don't have kids. or they're about to have kids.
And they, I don't know,

Speaker 1 they're not nice people. They really aren't.
And I'm going to try not to be that person. I'm not going to resent someone

Speaker 1 who doesn't have kids because they have free time that I no longer have. That's such a fucking,

Speaker 1 I don't know. It's a weird thing, you know, when you have a kid because you get to experience this new level of love.

Speaker 1 And then you also get to see this other side of people just like, ah, they would just

Speaker 1 fucking, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I ran to yet another person.
Oh, dude, you can have no free time. You can have no free time to fucking do it.
I went to a drum lesson Saturday and I went to the NHL All-Star game

Speaker 1 on Sunday. You know, the rest of my time was fucking, you know, dealing with the kid, but I'm still doing shit.

Speaker 1 You know, something, I think a lot of fucking people, they didn't do shit before they had a kid. They don't have a fucking hobby.
They don't have anything that they're passionate about.

Speaker 1 I don't know what it is, but they're miserable cons.

Speaker 1 I got to get away from them.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 I just had a buddy of mine say, hey, congratulations. I'm thinking about having a kid, you know, next year.
I just said, that's great. It's your experience.
Don't talk to parents.

Speaker 1 They're not sane people, myself included. Just, you know, it's going to be great.
Have a good time.

Speaker 1 Be nice if people did that, huh? But why would you do that?

Speaker 1 Why would you do that when you can't get some of your fucking resentment out on a completely innocent person?

Speaker 1 All right, I'm going to stop bitching about this shit. I think I've made my point.
So, So, anyways, I'm selling more shit.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm selling more shit. Everything's on the chopping block.

Speaker 1 I got that John Barnum drum kit that I have, that 71 Ludwig Green Sparkle. I'm actually toying with the idea of selling that fucking thing because I

Speaker 1 it's just too fucking big for me. It's not comfortable playing it.
The cymbals, I don't even like the sound of them. It's not my sound.
And

Speaker 1 I did the stupid fucking thing that every weekend warrior wannabe hobbyist musician does I'm gonna buy Eddie Van Halen's guitar then I'll play like Eddie Van Halen no you won't you'll just be a douche with an Eddie Van Halen guitar who isn't Eddie Van Halen

Speaker 1 so I made that mistake so I'm actually thinking about

Speaker 1 actually I toyed with the idea but then I

Speaker 1 I went in and I looked at the drums and they're so beautiful. I don't know if I can fucking do it, but

Speaker 1 I don't know. I would rather get a drum kit that maybe is set up for fucking

Speaker 1 how I'm built. I swear to God, I played that thing out on the comedy jam twice.

Speaker 1 And to go from the rack tom to the floor tom, it's a 26-inch bass drum. It's so, you got to take like a taxi to go from the rack or just the way I'm built.

Speaker 1 So to get to the fucking, from the rack to the floor, I always go via the snare just to give me that extra split second just to get over the fucking thing.

Speaker 1 i don't know how this bottom guy did it but you know it's not working for me so um

Speaker 1 i'm thinking of getting rid of that and uh

Speaker 1 and going out and buying maybe like a gretsch or something like that with like a 22 inch kick instead of a 26

Speaker 1 and i have a 14 inch floor tom instead of having that as a rack tom i think that i always like the 14th floor i know this is some fucking nerdy drum shit But

Speaker 1 yeah, I think I want to do that and get him out of the fucking house. I'll go find a fucking studio space for like a couple hundred bucks a month.
And I'll just have a brand new kit.

Speaker 1 Because that's the only thing that stops me from setting that thing up because it's a vintage kit. I'm like, oh my God, well, if somebody steals it, it's irreplaceable.

Speaker 1 But if I buy a brand new one, brand new symbols, you get a little bit of insurance, you know,

Speaker 1 50 bucks a month. I walk in there one day, somebody steals it, ah, just fucking get another one.
Because they're still making them. I'm trying to get out of that disease of liking old shit.

Speaker 1 I love old shit, but then you get it and it just becomes this fucking thing when it breaks. Oh Oh my God, how the fuck am I going to try and find the parts for it?

Speaker 1 Like, remember my bodyguard and the big dude from

Speaker 1 Powell What is your major malfunction? What the fuck was that called? Full metal jacket. Remember that guy?

Speaker 1 He played the dude who protect the kid from meatballs. Anyways, he had a fucking motorcycle and there was some little piece of the carburetor they couldn't fucking find.

Speaker 1 So of course because it's a Hollywood movie

Speaker 1 You know, because it's a Hollywood movie, you know, they go into a junkyard and the little nerdy kid finds it, you know, and then that's their little bonding moment.

Speaker 1 I would tell you guys how much I hate that

Speaker 1 when I watch

Speaker 1 TVs and movies, TVs, TV shows and movies. I hate

Speaker 1 the fucking convenience of how everything fucking works out.

Speaker 1 I also, like, two nights ago, I was doing stand-up at the comedy store.

Speaker 1 And I was talking shit about being a white dude, you know, because it's funny, because you're not allowed to do it.

Speaker 1 You know, every other group of people could be like proud of their accomplishments, but we can't.

Speaker 1 White dudes can't because of all the horrific shit that we've done wipes out any sort of accomplishment.

Speaker 1 So jokingly saying, like, you know, we did this, we did that, we went to the moon, and then this woman yells out, hidden figures, go see hidden figures.

Speaker 1 I'm just, you know, I cannot stand people that go to see a Hollywood movie and think that they just read a history book.

Speaker 1 It's, it's just fucking like,

Speaker 1 and then they think they're informed. It's like you're not informed.
You watched a movie. I told you guys that shit.
Do you know that movie, Sully, when that thing came out?

Speaker 1 They wanted to make the co-pilot

Speaker 1 an alcoholic just to raise the stakes. And the real guy who's really alive and still flies had to like threaten to sue or something.
Be like, guys, you can't fucking put that out there about me.

Speaker 1 I'm not an alcoholic. I have a career in commercial aviation.
You can't start floating it out to the world that I'm a fucking alcoholic. And then they were like, oh, all right.

Speaker 1 So that's all I'm saying. Okay? I'm not saying that there weren't some people doing some math and all that.
Just don't fucking.

Speaker 1 My only thing about that, and this is myself included, don't fucking come after me when you've never, you never heard of those people and all you did was go out and go see the fucking movie and start coming to me like you went to fucking graduate school.

Speaker 1 So I had fun with that.

Speaker 1 I probably went too hard. You know, I brought up up that guy who fucking,

Speaker 1 you know, that dude who figured out that when you're out in outer space, that if you perspired, that your sweat would boil and you would literally boil in your own sweat so that a spacesuit was literally like a giant radiator.

Speaker 1 Some dude figured out that that would happen.

Speaker 1 Figured out that that would fucking happen before we even went out there. You know?

Speaker 1 Where's that guy's movie? Huh?

Speaker 1 Where is his movie?

Speaker 1 Oh, Jesus Christ. What else? Yes, I went to the NHL All-Star Game.

Speaker 1 Three on three.

Speaker 1 This crazy format. I think, you know, they're going in the right direction because everybody knows that all-star games are mind-numbingly boring.
The baseball one's pretty good.

Speaker 1 I would say baseball is the best all-star game.

Speaker 1 The NBA All-Star game, I guess, is sort of fun because nobody's going to play D and everybody's going to dunk, so it's a little interesting.

Speaker 1 But I'd say the baseball one's the best. So the NHL is trying to figure out, you know, a format on how to make theirs competitive and people to give a shit.

Speaker 1 So they take like all four divisions and

Speaker 1 I didn't even understand the format. You played like five minutes, then you played another five minutes, and then two other divisions came out.

Speaker 1 You played five and five, and then the winner of those two then played in the finals.

Speaker 1 I don't know how the fucking thing worked.

Speaker 1 George, you played two 10-minute periods. I was at the game, and I couldn't figure out what was going on, and it was unbelievably quiet when it was in there.

Speaker 1 They should have played the first five minutes, five on five,

Speaker 1 and then the next one. You know something? There's no way to make an all-star game exciting.
That's just basically it. Because you know what?

Speaker 1 They just have too much to lose.

Speaker 1 You know, something I bet when the all-star games were great, were back in the day when professional athletes also had like off-season day jobs.

Speaker 1 Like you played for the Cleveland Browns from September till the end of December, and then the rest of the year you were like pouring concrete.

Speaker 1 Like those lunatics they got in shape by, you know, being the jackhammer guy on a road crew.

Speaker 1 I bet then they had some good games because then there was probably the pride of like our conference is better than your conference and blah blah blah blah blah.

Speaker 1 But there's just too much money at stake. But

Speaker 1 it was still fun to go down there and see all that type of stuff. But

Speaker 1 this was part of my nerd,

Speaker 1 you you know,

Speaker 1 fandom thing that I have. I've now been to every all-star game except for the baseball one.

Speaker 1 So now, of course, with my fucking OCD, I have to, I don't even know what I'm going for

Speaker 1 going to all of these fucking games at this point. But

Speaker 1 I don't know. You know what's cool about it is it keeps me going to different places.

Speaker 1 You know, because at some point I want to go to that, I've been to one golfing major. And in order to go to all four, the first three are not difficult.
Well, the U.S.

Speaker 1 Open and the PGA are not difficult. You can get fucking ticks.
The fucking U.S. Open and golf, I mean, they're just animals.

Speaker 1 You know, when you watch that golf tournament and you hear those people screaming and yelling, it sounds like the third show at some shit fucking comedy club on a Saturday night.

Speaker 1 Just a bunch of drunks, and they're not going to police anybody because they want to make their money off selling them booze.

Speaker 1 The Masters is the hard one because they don't sell tickets. And here's a heads up on on that.

Speaker 1 The first time I did it, you get like these badges that are given to the members and they're not supposed to sell them, but they all do. And everybody kind of looks the other way, right?

Speaker 1 So then you go to these brokers that have these badges. You pay way too much fucking money for them.
Then you show up at somebody's fucking house. This is what happened to me.

Speaker 1 And the first time I did it, I went with two people and we lucked out. And we got the badges.
Me and Verzi, we went in 2010. Then a few years later, we went to go again.

Speaker 1 I brought five fucking people to the same people's house. And they said, ah, there was a mix up with the badges.

Speaker 1 And then the lady who was going to pay us just fucking goes, I'll be right back to go get them. And she just fucking left.

Speaker 1 And that's the last time we saw her. And then the husband just waited us out on the front yard.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I was just out the money. And they completely fucked us over.

Speaker 1 And I lost a ton of money, as did a number of other people. And we were talking about trying to...
I remember we were standing outside the house just waiting for them.

Speaker 1 The neighbors came walking by, going, Oh, do they screw you out of the badges? Yeah, they did that a few years before. And,

Speaker 1 you know, just started having fantasies about burning down their fucking house and all of that type of shit. And then,

Speaker 1 I don't know, I just kind of let it go. And you know what's funny

Speaker 1 is every time I let it go, like fully just let it go and just be like, you know what? I did get to go to it. Part of buying scalp tickets is every once in a while you get fucked over.

Speaker 1 It happened to me at a Ravens game one time.

Speaker 1 I ended up buying some tickets that were stolen season tickets and they kicked me out of the fucking stadium and then I had to buy another pair of scalp tickets to get back in.

Speaker 1 I mean, it happens. But what's funny about that,

Speaker 1 when I get fucked over at the Masters, And I bought, I bought five of those fucking things, so I was out a lot of money. What was funny about that is every time

Speaker 1 i go to let it go because i remember saying the guy said dude if you don't give me money back i'm going to sue i'm going to sue you and blah blah said all this stuff and then the guy little elmo fud looking fucking dude just go you never get your money back and this fucking

Speaker 1 this other fucking fat fuck

Speaker 1 I was going, well, how much money you got in your pocket from the other ones? Give me that money. And he goes, you ain't giving me that money.
Come and get it. Let's see you try.

Speaker 1 All right, it was like one of those moments. And

Speaker 1 there was like five of us. And we could all beat the shit out of the guy.
But you know what's going to happen? You're going to beat the shit out of him. Okay.
Then we're not going to get our money.

Speaker 1 We're going to go to jail. They're going to sue us for assault.
There's just no way to win. The only way to win a fight once you're past like high school,

Speaker 1 once you become an adult, the only way to win a fucking fight is you have no money and you have nothing to lose. And you're homeless.
That's the only way to win it.

Speaker 1 Because then you're going to get arrested and you're going to go to jail and at least now you got a place to stay for the night. You get some meals.
You don't have to beg for food.

Speaker 1 Other than that, you're going to fucking lose. Because I sat there, kept trying to do the math,

Speaker 1 going,

Speaker 1 how the fuck,

Speaker 1 you know, having those violent things, you know, I'm sure there's a fucking tire iron in the car. If I smash both these guys over the fucking heads, which I'm not going to do.

Speaker 1 I've never done anything even remotely that violent. But you're so fucking mad when you're getting fucked out of money.
You start having these fantasies.

Speaker 1 And just because it makes you feel better of just thinking of caving in the side of their fucking heads, I just kept trying to do the math on how we would get away. And you just can't do it anymore.

Speaker 1 You know, back in the day, you could do that. You could jump on your horse and fucking ride away.
It was over.

Speaker 1 You know? There wasn't some miner with a cell phone fucking camera and your horse had a license plate on his fucking tail and you were screwed. You were done.

Speaker 1 You know, somebody following you with with the fucking drone, and there was just no way

Speaker 1 there was no way to do it other than to just take my loss and then I was going to quadruple it.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 God knows what else. And the kind of people that would do to us, what they did to us, I was like, what would they do in a court of law if I was actually guilty of doing something to them?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? So I let go of it. I said, fuck it.
It's a loss. Who gives a shit? We'll make it up.
We'll come back at some other time. We'll go again.
Fuck it.

Speaker 1 And every time I would go to let go of it,

Speaker 1 you know, and start to let go of it, start to let go of it, fucking Paul Verzee,

Speaker 1 the half-sicilian part of him, who can never forget anything like that, would call me up and just get me fucking all,

Speaker 1 he'd get me all riled up again.

Speaker 1 And I'd be like, Paul, you got to stop doing it. And he would sit there

Speaker 1 calling me up like he's Sammy the bull if Sammy didn't fucking sell out and I'm I'm fucking the other guy there what is it what the Teflon Don there

Speaker 1 I almost said Giuliani

Speaker 1 Gaudi John Gaudi and he would call me up just telling me what he was gonna do to that guy's house

Speaker 1 and of course he didn't do it and he's not gonna do it he's married he's got two kids but he would call it up call me up and I would get me going again he did this for fucking years

Speaker 1 now it's just a joke. Now it's just like once a year he'll call me up and be like, hey, dude, not for nothing, but I thought about this again the other day.

Speaker 1 I was thinking not even fucking saying anything to you and just going down there and then just calling you up and being like, hey, Bill, it's done. It's done.

Speaker 1 And I go, yeah, and right there, right there, you'd call me up and then you'd say something over the phone.

Speaker 1 And because it's not illegal now to listen to people's phone calls, right there, we would get caught.

Speaker 1 You would have to do, Paul, is you would have to go down and do it, know that you did it,

Speaker 1 and then not say anything to me ever until one day maybe we were out to fucking sea in international waters. And then even then, we'd have to go

Speaker 1 the back of the boat when the engines were on.

Speaker 1 You'd have to put your hand over your fucking mouth like fucking Joe Pescian De Niro and Casino, and then you could tell me, oh, by the way, I burned down that guy's fucking house.

Speaker 1 So anyway, I don't know how the fuck I got onto that story. I don't think I ever told you guys that story because I was so fucking mad about it for years.

Speaker 1 Oh, I know what I was talking about. I was just talking about going to all these different games.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 beware of that. If you ever go to the Masters, unless you have a really good hookup, if you're just going to buy from a regular person, try to keep it at two.

Speaker 1 Because what happened, because we were a group of five and they didn't have enough badges,

Speaker 1 they decided that we're going to have one group fucking pissed at us rather than having,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 three groups of two fucking pissed off. I I forget how many we had.

Speaker 1 It was just like, all right, we're just gonna have this is one group of people that will bitch, as opposed to having like, oh, yeah, they fucked me over. They fucked my group.
They fucked my group.

Speaker 1 So it was just us complaining. Actually, I think there was one other couple, too.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I got to stop talking about it because it's going to get me fucking mad again, those goddamn cunts.
And you never get your money back. Oh, God.
Oh,

Speaker 1 it's fucking Elmer Fran. And the other, the fat fuck redneck, this stupid orange shirt.
I still remember his big guy. He had this big fucking beer beer belly.

Speaker 1 Oh my god.

Speaker 1 Oh, the beautiful sound of a bat hitting all that flesh. Oh, that would have been heaven.
But, you know, that's not what you're supposed to do as an adult. And who's kidding? Who?

Speaker 1 I've never done that to anybody. And I would have been like, I would have alligator armed it, and I just would have made him mad.

Speaker 1 Then he would have smothered me with all that fucking hillbilly fat and I would have lost.

Speaker 1 And I would have been out the money. Then I'd be leaving with grass stains all over myself.

Speaker 1 It would have been horrible. All right.
Oh, that's right. Valentine's Day is coming up.
I'm so fucking sleepy. Dude, my kid last night got up.

Speaker 1 I started to fall asleep around midnight. She got up at,

Speaker 1 I get up at 12:57, 1:10,

Speaker 1 2.0 something, 3.0 something. Then she went to 4:30, which was unbelievable.
Just get that extra 30 minutes. Then she went to 6.

Speaker 1 And for whatever reason, she sleeps from like 6 a.m.

Speaker 1 to like 9

Speaker 1 or like 9:30.

Speaker 1 And I just know at that 6 o'clock one that when I change that diaper and I get her all settled down again, that I can actually just like, it's, it's fine.

Speaker 1 That's what the podcast is a little late here. But thank God I'm a stand-up comedian.

Speaker 1 Okay, you people that actually have jobs where you have to fucking get up at 8:30 in the goddamn morning to go dry.

Speaker 1 I don't know how you just don't nod off in traffic and drive into a fucking guardrail. So

Speaker 1 my hat's off to you. All right.
There we go. Thank Christ.

Speaker 1 Thank Christ. It's over.

Speaker 2 It's

Speaker 1 All right. Let's get into some of the reads for this week.
I might come up a little short for my usual hour, everybody, because I got the cars coming at noon.

Speaker 1 And old Billy has not fucking done anything yet. I got to get ready to do this fucking show.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Oh, you know what I didn't bring up? I've been watching, of course, been watching the Celtics and the Bruins and all that. Bruins had a big victory against the Penguins before the all-star break.

Speaker 1 Granted, Malkin wasn't playing, but still, we had played a great game. And after going down 2-0, if I remember correctly, and then the Celtics have been playing great.

Speaker 1 Had a big win against the Bucs.

Speaker 1 Who the fuck did they beat right before that? I watched like every one of them. I really enjoy it.
I can't believe it. I'm back into NBA hoop.

Speaker 1 Okay, let me get to

Speaker 1 some of the reads here for this week.

Speaker 1 Oh, Super Bowl celebrations.

Speaker 1 Dear Billy Bloodhound. Oh, did I ever tell you guys how much I love a Bloodhound?

Speaker 1 Oh, the fucking amount of dogs that I fucking love, but I love that dog.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 They just got that chilling-out vibe.

Speaker 1 You got to love a hound.

Speaker 1 Because all you have to do is go

Speaker 1 and they do it with you. That's it.
That's all I need.

Speaker 1 That's all I was looking for. This Valentine's Day, okay? Ladies, if you really love your husband or your boyfriend, right?

Speaker 1 Just get him a bloodhound. you know? And then you can be as crazy as you want to fucking be.
And all he has to do is just every once in a while be hanging out with his dog when you're not around.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 1 He just looks over him, hey, buddy, buddy.

Speaker 1 And it does it with him, and it just makes you feel good.

Speaker 1 Maybe it's just me. I don't know.
I heard you mentioned bloodhounds last week. I know you're not looking to get a dog anytime soon, but when you do, definitely consider a bloodhound.
They're

Speaker 1 unbelievable with real young kids. I've had two with both my kids.
Anyways, my question is,

Speaker 1 if you ever have been to a Super Bowl, they're great with kids. That's good to know.

Speaker 1 By the way, I keep getting updates with Cleo. She's doing great.
She's loving her new family and everything's awesome with her. And

Speaker 1 I might do a show at some point in the vicinity of the new people that have the dog just to visit and say hello. I don't know if I should do that or not.
I don't know if it'll fuck the dog up

Speaker 1 or if it'll just make me sad all over again. I don't know what, but I still, you know, what the fuck.
I just look at like that's one of my kids, and she's gone off to college.

Speaker 1 And every once in a while, I check in. How about that? Anyways, my question is: have you ever been to a Super Bowl or hung around for the week before seeing what all the action is like?

Speaker 1 My friend asked me if I wanted to go this year, but I'd rather watch it at home. I like to watch sports alone.
Loved you on cowherd. Go Pats.

Speaker 1 All right, here's the deal. I have been to two Super Bowls.

Speaker 1 I went to the

Speaker 1 Patriots when we played the Green Bay Packers.

Speaker 1 Remember that? And Brett Favre

Speaker 1 fucking threw that touchdown pass and then took his helmet off and ran like half the fucking football field because his agent told him to do that.

Speaker 1 And give us a big astronaut smile when you do it, right?

Speaker 1 That was cool just to be like the first time you go to a Super Bowl, if you're ever lucky enough to go to one, there is that thing that you can't believe you're at the thing that basically most of the United States is watching, that you're there.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 and I remember going down there, it was uh

Speaker 1 it was in New Orleans,

Speaker 1 and uh

Speaker 1 and it was just all the Patriots fans were a bunch of drunks, and then of course the Wisconsin fans who are the same level of drunks, but there's just something about Wisconsin, like the Midwest, there's a certain level of common decency,

Speaker 1 decency. I don't know what it is.
I don't know. They just don't go as hard.
It's weird. Certain times you see them, though, they're more animals than East Coast people, but you know,

Speaker 1 it's an ugly thing, you know.

Speaker 1 East Coast sports fans, we're lunatics. So we're all up there screaming and yelling on one of those balconies, fucking hammered.
down on Bourbon Street, right?

Speaker 1 And John Kerry walked by

Speaker 1 and everybody was yelling at, John Kerry, John Kerry, what do you think about the pages? Blah, blah, blah. And he just looked up and he had this big phony smile.
This is like an act out.

Speaker 1 You're not going to get it. But you know that stupid, like old school, like, you know, let's go get him.
And you like sort of like do the,

Speaker 1 you make a fist, right?

Speaker 1 And you kind of act like you're maybe throwing a baseball to home plate. You're like, yeah, you kind of do one of those.

Speaker 1 He did it. He did it like slow motion.
He made the fist. He paused and it just went.

Speaker 1 And they kind of threw it like that really slow. It was so fucking weird.
He was so detached from his own body. And I'm convinced now after I saw Bill Clinton do it, that they just know people are

Speaker 1 taking pictures of them. So they don't even give a fuck about interacting with you.
It's all about what you look like in the paper. That was that time I told you

Speaker 1 long story, but I ended up.

Speaker 1 Bill Clinton, when he was still president, this is pre-getting impeached and all that shit. He came down to Boston and one of my friends wanted to go down and see the motorcade.

Speaker 1 I didn't want to fucking go. My buddy didn't want to go.
He convinces us to fucking go. He's going to buy lunch.
So we go, all right, five, fuck it, right? So we fucking go down there.

Speaker 1 He's all excited. He just wants to see the motorcade go by because he'd watch so much of that JFK shit.

Speaker 1 You know, he just wanted to see a motorcade. And that's like a big deal to see the presidential motorcade.
I can admit that was pretty exciting to see. So they start coming down the street.

Speaker 1 And right before they get to us, we're like, finally, here it comes. He's going to see the motorcade drive by, and then we can all fucking go home.
He can buy us lunch, right?

Speaker 1 Right before they got to us, they made a right turn

Speaker 1 to go into this alley.

Speaker 1 Right before they got to us, like, you know, probably 50 yards up. We're like, oh, you got to be fucking kidding me.

Speaker 1 And this dude was so into like knowing politics, he was just going like, oh, don't worry. He's just going to go in there.
It's a woman's college. He usually speaks on average from 50 to 65 minutes.

Speaker 1 I'll go run and get us some, you know, a couple slices of pizza or whatever. So we go, fine.
So he fucking takes off and we're standing there.

Speaker 1 And all of a sudden, the Secret Service starts walking down the street, telling everybody, we're up against those little police little sawhorse things, telling us, get your hands up, eat your hands up.

Speaker 1 And the motorcade starts driving. And who's walking down the street? Fucking Bill Clinton with Ted Kennedy and somebody else.
Ted Kennedy was first.

Speaker 1 I think I already told this story, dude. His fucking head, I swear to God, was the size of like a fucking safe.
I've never seen a head that big in my life.

Speaker 1 Like, I literally went to, like, you had to have both your hands up so the Secret Service could see your hand. And they were just sort of high-fiving people.

Speaker 1 As they walked by, I remember Bill Clinton comes by and everybody's like, oh, Mr. President, Bill Clinton.
And he wasn't saying anything. He just had both his hands up.
He was slowly walking.

Speaker 1 And just imagine smiling with your mouth open. Like, yeah, like you were doing that, but your face was just frozen.
He was just walking past all of us doing that.

Speaker 1 Like, and everybody was yelling to him. Everybody was saying stuff.
And he did not say anything to anybody. He just had that

Speaker 1 fucking look on his face with both his hands up.

Speaker 1 He looked like a fucking crazy person.

Speaker 1 But then the next day, the front page of the paper, you see the guy and he's on the front page of the paper like, and it looked like we were all having a great time.

Speaker 1 I thought there was something wrong with him.

Speaker 1 Also, I will tell you right now, dude, the softest fucking hands of any guy ever.

Speaker 1 Ever. He has not done a fucking day's work of manual labor in his life.
Baby soft. Now that I have a daughter, baby soft fucking hands.
That's how he gets the ladies. That's what it is.

Speaker 1 He puts one of those soft baby hands on your shoulders, takes out a cigar, and it is a game set match. So, anyways,

Speaker 1 he fucking does this shit. Then they jump in the car and then they fucking leave.

Speaker 1 Everybody's freaking out.

Speaker 1 And then it's just over. And people just start to walk away and leave.
Okay, all of this took less than like 38 seconds.

Speaker 1 Okay? Because the Secret Service was not going to have the president exposed to the public for that long.

Speaker 1 So anyways, he jumps in the car as I leave. Everybody's like high off of, oh my God, I shook the president's hand.
How big was Ted Kennedy's head?

Speaker 1 That takes about a minute for people to be like, what the fuck? And then people just start walking away.

Speaker 1 And then like

Speaker 1 15 seconds after that, my buddy comes walking up, the dude who wanted to see all of it, and he just sees everybody has left.

Speaker 1 I remember he was biting into a slice of pizza, and he kind of stopped his bite, and he just looks over and he goes, I missed it, didn't I? And I just looked at him, and I felt bad.

Speaker 1 I was like, I shook his hand, and he goes, No, you didn't. And then my buddy was a total pothead, was galloping around sideways, like in a circle, just screaming, I shook it twice, I shook it twice.

Speaker 1 Okay, that was such a fucking sad, quiet ride home. And we were trying not to fucking laugh.
We just started laughing after a while. And he just refused to believe it.

Speaker 1 But the details we had, he knew that it was fucking true. And then the next day in the paper, he saw, because we were saying like, dude, he wasn't saying anything.

Speaker 1 I'll never forget that. He just was like, oh,

Speaker 1 without, like, that's the noise he should have been making. But he wasn't making that noise.
He just had his mouth open with his fucking hands up.

Speaker 1 And the next day in the paper, though, he looked like a champ.

Speaker 1 The man looked like a champ all right um jesus that was a long way to go what was i talking about the first time i went to a super bowl yeah so we went to it and uh bill parcels fucked us over that year because that was his whole fucking stupid thing like you want me to cook to dinner you gotta let me buy the groceries because what's his face robert kraft overruled him and said you should take terry glenn

Speaker 1 and fucking Bill Parcell's ego couldn't fucking handle that,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 And then he proceeds to tell the team that he's leaving and then he put his fucking house up for sale before we even played the goddamn game. It's one of the most selfish things.
If that's true,

Speaker 1 that's the rumor of what the fuck happened. Then you know what kills me? He fucking goes to coach.
Every place else he goes to coach. Who does he bring along with him? Terry Glenn.

Speaker 1 Unreal. Unreal.
But whatever.

Speaker 1 Let's plow ahead here.

Speaker 1 Oh, and then the second time I went, I went to the Patriots versus the Rams.

Speaker 1 And we won that game, obviously. And I won it last second.
And then I was just like, you know what? Every time the Patriots go, I'm going to go to the Super Bowl.

Speaker 1 So the next time we played, which was either against the Panthers or the Eagles, I can't remember. I think the Panthers,

Speaker 1 I was going to go. But the next day,

Speaker 1 I had like a 6 or 7 a.m. call time to do that Chappelle show sketch, World Series of Dice.

Speaker 1 That's the first time I met Charlie Murphy and all those guys. And so there was no way I could go.
And I was,

Speaker 1 you know, I was all upset. Like, oh, man, I'm going to miss the game and blah, blah, blah.
But I got to tell you,

Speaker 1 that Sunday night when the game was over and the Patriots won,

Speaker 1 you know, and I was sitting on my futon in my fucking poor excuse for a one bedroom in New York City. I remember when the game was over, I watched it with a couple of friends and they were leaving.

Speaker 1 The game was over and I still had like two grand in my pocket.

Speaker 1 Because that's basically back then what you were looking at dropping like for the you could get tickets be like 1500 bucks plus the the hotel and all the travel and everything was gonna be another 500 bucks.

Speaker 1 The end of the game when I still had two grand in my pocket,

Speaker 1 I was just like, yeah, you know what, this is better. I went, I saw him lose.
I know what that feels like. I went, I saw him win.
I saw him win their first one in the last play.

Speaker 1 It's never going to get better than that. I'll go again someday when I have a kid.
So someday, my daughter, if she wants to go, I'll take her. But

Speaker 1 if you've never been, I would definitely go. It's worth going one time.
But,

Speaker 1 you know, I was kind of all set back. This is back when I still just had the regular square TV.
Forget about the flat screen now with the surround sound and all that shit. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Plus, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I just like watching the game rather than, you know, I don't like everybody, all that shit talking when your team loses, or if you win, watching your fans talking shit to other people.

Speaker 1 It's just like we didn't have anything to fucking do with it, right? We either got lucky or we got fucked. What are you going to do? All right, paranoia or legit worry.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Hey, Bill Berlichek. Congratulations on you, new baby.
Huge fan of the podcast. I'm a 30-year-old naturalized citizen who immigrated from South Korea when I was 10.

Speaker 1 As an immigrant and now a proud American,

Speaker 1 I'm writing to you in regards to the current state of messy affairs going on at the White House. Why do you guys ask me this shit?

Speaker 1 You know I'm just a comedian.

Speaker 1 I'm going to solve this problem. Do you still think that Hill Dog would have been just as bad as our current president?

Speaker 1 With Trump's reaction, I'm not so sure anymore.

Speaker 1 Hillary might have been corrupt, as you mentioned in your previous podcast, but I believe she would not have taken such a radical, brash action based on intolerance and hatred.

Speaker 1 Not to that level, but they're going to keep the wars going. You haven't noticed like Obama said he was going to end the wars, he was going to shut down Guantanamo.
None of them did it.

Speaker 1 They're not going to do it.

Speaker 1 I can't get into this type of shit. Look, if you believe that

Speaker 1 this government, that governments act on what is right for people, you know, rather than money,

Speaker 1 everybody past a certain level moves on money. That's it.
Same thing in my business. Okay? Why don't they make better movies? Because they want to make money.
Why are there so many cliches?

Speaker 1 Why are there so many shitty ones? It's the same fucking thing.

Speaker 1 Do I think Hillary would do something like that? No, I do not. I don't think that she would do something like that.
Would she do a bunch of other evil things? My point in all of that shit, okay,

Speaker 1 when

Speaker 1 the amount of shit that Trump got during the election about being evil and a horrible fucking person, I never disputed any of that, but everybody was acting like Hillary was a good person.

Speaker 1 I say that she wasn't, and I was trying to get people to look at other options, which nobody's going to do because they just go, well, that's a waste of a vote

Speaker 1 because you're not going to win anyway. So my thing with American voters is you get exactly what you fucking deserve.
If you don't have the balls to not fucking

Speaker 1 to not vote for the representative of the Republican and the Democrats who've been fucking you over since the day you've been born

Speaker 1 and try to get outside of this

Speaker 1 and try to pick somebody from a different fucking

Speaker 1 party that actually wants to call out bankers and calls out corporate corruption and deregulation and pharmaceutical companies and fucking

Speaker 1 genetically altered food, all of that shit that never gets fucking brought up

Speaker 1 with the fucking, the two guys who are, you know, the man and the woman are the two guys usually that are in the fucking

Speaker 1 showdown between the Republican and Democrat. You get what you fucking deserve.
So this whole fucking thing now, because Trump's such a colossal fuck up, which everybody already knew.

Speaker 1 Okay

Speaker 1 For you now to look at Hillary being like, well, you know, it's like you're looking at two serial killers and Hillary buries the bodies, you know, fucking under her house and Trump leaves them out in the fucking street.

Speaker 1 Therefore, you'd rather have Hillary. I mean, if that's, I don't know.

Speaker 1 But I can honestly tell you,

Speaker 1 you know, just my own feelings, that she's not a good person. Trump is not a good person.
They're two horribly selfish fucking people.

Speaker 1 And I think a lot of people got caught up in the fact that with Hillary's fucking genitalia

Speaker 1 and the whole thought of, oh my God, if there's a woman president, what does that mean for fucking women? It's just like, every president in my lifetime has been a guy.

Speaker 1 What has that meant for me as a guy? Nothing. It doesn't mean anything.
Like,

Speaker 1 that's like that disease in my business when you're a struggling artist and then all of a sudden you get a manager or an agent.

Speaker 1 You start thinking, when I can put my feet up, I don't have to work anymore. Yeah, you do.
You're always going to have to work. You know why? Because nobody gives a fuck about you.

Speaker 1 And I hate to be so fucking bleak, but it's the truth. Nobody gives a shit.
What Trump is doing is fucking horrible.

Speaker 1 It's not surprising it isn't in a weird way it's actually causing a bunch of people to rally and push back against him he's so fucking radical that i don't think he's going to survive he's going to do a bunch of fucked up shit to like the midterm elections and he's going to be so fucking out of hand that people are just going to run all the way to the other side of the boat that's what always happens The same way after eight years of Bush, oh, let's all now let's all run over to the guys with the blue ties and the blue bras.

Speaker 1 And you still get fucked, and then everybody runs over to the other side. So, whatever.

Speaker 1 I'm trying not to be preachy here, but you kind of get what you deserve if you're going to go through the insanity of continuing to vote for whoever the Democrats or the Republicans are going to give you at that level.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 you're not going to start at least voting for these other people to encourage more people to run outside of those two fucking parties. Other than that, I don't know what to tell you.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm done ranting here. Anyways, he said, I remember on Conan, you said, everything will be the same under Trump.
I really hope to God that you are right. Dude, you know something?

Speaker 1 I'm getting so much shit for that Conan thing. You know something? Next time there's an election like that, you go on the day after the fucking thing and try to find some sort of a fucking angle.

Speaker 1 You know? Like, it's my fault the day after the election that I say that that Trump gets in. Okay, everything has been the same under Trump for a guy like me and for most fucking people.

Speaker 1 If you're Muslim, yeah, you're fucked. That absolutely fucking changed.
Okay? But But they were not showing those people.

Speaker 1 They were showing a bunch of white women crying. That's what the fuck they were showing.
You know, and then they go, oh, the fucking Planned Parenthood and all of that type of shit.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't fucking know. I mean, like, I think people fucking hate Trump and for whatever reason, they want to yell at a comedian.
So continue to yell at me.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 I told you they were both pieces of shit, but, you know, after the election,

Speaker 1 I don't know. I just thought a lot of the screaming and and yelling and fucking crying was a little much.

Speaker 1 It was a little fucking much. I understand you're disappointing, but crying, it just was so fucking pathetic.
All right?

Speaker 1 You don't like the guy? Do what the fuck you can to fight back against him. You don't just fucking break down crying like somebody took your toy away.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 Maybe I'm too fucking, I don't know, cynical.

Speaker 1 But I've gotten so many tweets. You really don't think that you're going to fucking, dude, shit changed when Obama came in.
But did it really fucking change?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Because I guess for me, actually, true change was, they would tell me, where exactly do my federal income taxes go?

Speaker 1 Where does that go? If it goes to the fucking IRS and they are not, they are a private corporation of bankers, they are not connected to the government, where does that fucking money go?

Speaker 1 Do the people at the upper echelon of the fucking Federal Reserve, do they actually even bother paying taxes considering they're paying themselves?

Speaker 1 There's a nationwide heroin epidemic that people are saying was created by the pharmaceutical companies, was not even fucking brought up.

Speaker 1 They genetically altered our food, which is evidently so fucked up they got to try to force other countries to do it. And they're fighting back against them because they don't want it.

Speaker 1 And evidently it's so fucked up that these people, they don't even want to be forced to label food as genetically altered because they know people aren't going to buy it. There's all of that shit.

Speaker 1 All of that shit not only did not change under a president with a blue fucking tie,

Speaker 1 it continued to get worse.

Speaker 1 So now when a guy like Trump does something so so obvious,

Speaker 1 Now everybody's all oh my god, this guy's out of his fucking mind like this last guy

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm not saying Obama's a bad fucking guy, but like, wasn't he just continuing on with the fucking warmongering and all of that shit? Am I out of my mind? Maybe I'm out of my mind.

Speaker 1 I don't know. He said, I don't know, Bill.
Maybe I'm paranoid overreacting, just like those crazy liberal fucks out there, but I really do feel worried.

Speaker 1 It's one of those gut feelings that simmer deep down into your soul. I mean, come on, even Gorbachev just said the world is preparing for war.

Speaker 1 Yeah, absolutely, but I don't think that's because of Donald Trump.

Speaker 1 I just think he's yet another guy.

Speaker 1 And if

Speaker 1 they say the world,

Speaker 1 the world is not Donald Trump. It's a bunch of fucking people.

Speaker 1 You know what it really is?

Speaker 1 I don't give in to fucking hissy fits. You don't think clearly.
If you're breaking down crying and just screaming that the fucking sky is

Speaker 1 falling, then you're not going to make any rational decisions. There's a bunch of groups that are going to help out those peoples at the airport that you can give money to.
You can do shit like that.

Speaker 1 You can give money to them and you can pray to God that they're actually going to use it on them and not use expense accounts and go out and buy themselves a fucking Corvette.

Speaker 1 So I don't have any answers, but I will say this to people. You got to stop looking,

Speaker 1 you know.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know what it is about stand-up comedians, but we, for some reason, get our feet held to the fire more so than people who are actually in the governmental positions.

Speaker 1 You know, you want to get mad at me because of what the fuck I said on the day after the fucking election on Conan? By all means, do that.

Speaker 1 But, you know, I bet there was, how many of those fucking women at that women's fucking rally, how many of them you think actually voted?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 All of this fucking outrage. Where were you on election day?

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 there's been people who got busted bitching about Trump. They didn't even fucking vote.

Speaker 1 You know, but whatever. Give me shit because I joked around when it was like a fucking funeral out here in Hollywood.

Speaker 1 I was just trying to calm people down.

Speaker 1 You see a bunch of adults crying on television. Yeah, it's unsettling.

Speaker 1 This is what I think is going to happen. I think this guy is going to go fucking sideways, and then he's going to go so sideways.

Speaker 1 The midterm elections, what's going to happen is they're just going to get a bunch of fucking Democrats in there to maybe level this guy out. But in the meantime, they'll keep

Speaker 1 deregulating the banks and all of that other shit.

Speaker 1 And in the end of the day, guys like Trump will be able to build a golf course and a fucking pipeline under and over any Native American land that they want to. That's what the fuck they want to do.

Speaker 1 They're so rich, they find the government to be a nuisance. That's what the fuck you're dealing with.
And

Speaker 1 I don't know. That's what I think.
All right, so there you go. And once again, I don't read or pay attention.
So fuck off

Speaker 1 and God bless the United States of America. All right, advice from a new fellow dad.
Hey, Billy Boy, congrats to you and the lovely Nia on the new baby.

Speaker 1 My wife and I welcomed our first son about five weeks ago.

Speaker 1 People would try to give you too much advice early on, but I've discovered the only secret you need to know about babies is that snaps suck and zippers rule. Babies shit all damn day.

Speaker 1 So you're taking onesies on and off all day. You don't need the added frustration of fumbling with dozens of snaps to get

Speaker 1 onesies.

Speaker 1 So get onesies with zippers. And that's all you really need to know.
Congrats and go again and go fuck yourself. That's a great one.

Speaker 1 That's actually great. I'm going to use that because I dealt with snaps all last night.

Speaker 1 All right. Selfish girl friend advice.
Hey, Bill, you're gruff.

Speaker 1 Hey, Bill, you gruff gingerballics. I love the podcast.
Brutally honest. It's great.
You're like, oh,

Speaker 1 anyway, I got a girl who most most of the time is great.

Speaker 1 She's really hot, really smart, really fun. They always start this way.
But every so often, she just seems totally fucking selfish. Most of the time, I totally

Speaker 1 admire her ethics/slash morals. Important, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So she's human. Most of the time, she's cool, and every once in a while, she's got this thing you don't like.
Well, we celebrated our third anniversary yesterday. By the way, I'm 28, she's 27.

Speaker 1 We went out to a sushi restaurant for a bit of a celebration. It gets time to pay the bill, and I say, I'll pay in cash if she transfers me her half.

Speaker 1 Oh god, dude. He goes from that moment on, the night was all silent treatment till we started arguing.
Then it went back to silence till we went to sleep.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because that's that weird thing where it's like you're celebrating your anniversary, but for some reason you have to pay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's where all the feminism goes out the fucking window right there. That's always a great sleep when there's an unresolved issue.
I'm not even a big believer in the guy just paying,

Speaker 1 but I'm not a big believer in the guy just paying the bill, but okay, on special occasions, it's done. It's the done thing, so I'll go along with it.

Speaker 1 But I didn't this time because the week before my laptop fucked up and I had to sacrifice my TV, my camera stuff, and media center, stuff I love, to make enough cash to get a decent replacement so I can work slash keep applying for new jobs.

Speaker 1 Also, I've been between jobs and money's a bit tight right now. In short, it's not been a great week.
You'd think she'd be a bit understanding about it given the circumstances, but no.

Speaker 1 Hey, you're making all decent points here. Anyways, we had a fight about it.

Speaker 1 Went quiet again. Then we did what we do sometimes and just let it go rather than

Speaker 1 either of us having to apologize. Oh, that's not good.
She says the argument was me not treating her like a lady. I see, this is this fucking, I don't know, this is this thing.
You can't win as a guy.

Speaker 1 You know, they want to be treated just like a guy when it's something good is at stake. But when a bill comes, like, I'm a lady.
I say it was about, it was not about me paying for everything.

Speaker 1 Up till the bill, we were having a great time. I was psyched about a callback for a great job I'd gotten earlier.
She was psyched for me. Then she throws a fucking moody like

Speaker 1 a fucking infant whose toy's been taken away away because I want to split the bill. I don't know.
Maybe I'm insane. My friend says it was a schoolboy error.

Speaker 1 I don't think we're kids in a bit and a bit of grown-up consideration called for this situation. But anyways, have at me if I'm being a moron, give me both barrels.

Speaker 1 Dude,

Speaker 1 all of this shit that you said to me, you need to say to her.

Speaker 1 I mean, minus the fucks and some of the other stuff, calling her a child. I wouldn't do any of that, but,

Speaker 1 you know, your relationship is going to be a lot easier if you start communicating. So

Speaker 1 maybe you could have preface it with, hey, you know, I know we're celebrating our anniversary. I know I'm supposed to pay as a guy, but I'm kind of tight.
Can you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I just...

Speaker 1 I don't get all of that shit where why the guy has to pay. It's your relationship and the woman never pays.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 If you've noticed all the advertising, hey, Valentine's Day is coming up. It's all about what the guy has to get the woman.

Speaker 1 That's something you don't hear at the fucking woman's march.

Speaker 1 Just basically how the male-female relationship is set up is that the guy should just be constantly showering her with money and gifts because she had the decency

Speaker 1 to, you know,

Speaker 1 spend her time with you. It's like

Speaker 1 her time has value, yours does not.

Speaker 1 you know

Speaker 1 i don't get it it's like hey i could be doing other things too

Speaker 1 rather than listen to you talking about your day same as you got to listen to me it's not how it works anyway cigar recommendation hey there freckle tits i have been sober and more importantly off the cigarettes for over a month now congratulations to celebrate this i decided to treat myself to a nice cigar while i watch your new stand-up special on the 31st any recommendations on a good smoke thanks and go fuck yourself um

Speaker 1 well if you're off cigarettes i I don't know why you'd smoke a cigar, but if you're going to and you don't have access to a Cuban cigar,

Speaker 1 I like those

Speaker 1 the Aurora Emeralds,

Speaker 1 and I like

Speaker 1 the Davidoff Nicaraguan that Verzi turned me on to.

Speaker 1 And the Casa Magna, the Torpedo ones, got the two bands. I forget which one it's called.
I like those ones.

Speaker 1 But I kind of quit smoking, to be honest with with you. I think I'm done with it.
I may have the occasional fucking cigar, but

Speaker 1 you know, now that I'm getting life insurance and it's just like, all right, I got to get this nicotine out of my system so I can pass the fucking test and everything.

Speaker 1 When I saw the difference in rates, just even being a passive smoker, I was just like, wow. They obviously know that this means this shit's going to fucking kill you.

Speaker 1 So I was kind of like, who am I fooling here if I just clean myself up? So I think I'm kind of done. Like, I'll smoke a cigar.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I'll smoke a cigar where you're supposed to, or it's an actual moment, you know, as opposed to just being like, oh man, I always smoke cigars, and now I'm kind of feeling that itch to smoke one, so I'll smoke one.

Speaker 1 But, anyways, I gotta get run of here, I gotta go do Conan. I'll say some more shit, probably about politics, and then you guys can give me shit like I'm the one fucking running things.

Speaker 1 Um, I told you a long time ago, I don't read. Uh, that's it, go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.
Bye.