Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-30-25

What's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

And I'm just checking in, checking in on.

Oh my God, I'm fighting off a goddamn cold. Both my kids got sick.

So you know you're getting sick, you know?

You know, when your kids get sick, if as a parent, you don't know that you're going to get sick,

if you actually think, even though my kids are sick, I'm not going to get sick, you know what that means? You're a bad parent. What are you fucking doing? You're putting a mask on and a beekeeper suit.
You're not going to interact with them. You're not reading them stories.
You're not reenacting fucking WrestleMania of whatever with your son.

Whatever.

Yes. You're not reenacting fucking WrestleMania whatever with your son? Whatever.
Yes, I've been fighting it off. Fighting it off, meaning it's coming.
Sometimes I think it's better to just give in to the cold. You know? And just let it do what it's going to do.
Because I feel like when you fight off a cold, it just lasts longer. It's like if you just get a cold, it's like four days and it sucks.

Or you fight off a cold and it's like an entire week of like, I think I'm winning.

Oh, I'm losing.

I'm winning.

Now I'm losing.

It's just like, why don't you just tap out?

Just be like, why don't I just stick my head in a cold shower and go run down the street

and just turn this into pneumonia and just fast forward through this shit. Not pneumonia.
You don't want pneumonia. There you go.
There's one. There's some good information on you.
Dude, what happened to the fucking Twitter guy? I don't watch the news. That guy has lost his fucking mind.
That dude has lost his fucking mind. I also don't understand neo-Nazi people.
I don't understand how they're in this country going, support the troops. America, love it or leave it.
And all of this type of shit. And it's like, you know, all those guys who died on D-Day, they were fighting Hitler.
Like, I've lived so long. Like, you know, everything just sort of changes after a while.
It's like, wait a minute. Are people trying to say he was a good guy now? The fucking level of ignorance out there.
And what is that fucking Twitter guy? He literally sieged Heil.

He didn't just Heil.

You know, you can accidentally Heil.

Hey!

Oh, I didn't mean it like that.

I didn't mean it like that.

But when you add the sieg, you meant it.

Good Lord.

It is just so funny to me how when I was growing up,

all of these fucking women that hated men,

they were always focusing on the athletes and they never paid attention to the nerds. And now look at it.
You know, you were paid attention to the wrong fucking people. You know, they, I don't know what their deal was.
They were upset because you were a good looking guy and you could fucking score a touchdown. These nerds just silently resenting beautiful women, resenting, you know, the fucking good looking guy, the Burt Reynolds guy out there with the T-tops crushing it.

Silently resenting.

And now we are in the true revenge of the nerds era.

And look at that guy.

With his Turkish hair plugs and his laminated face.

And now he's out here Sieg Heilig. I mean that guy is off his fucking rocker.
I can't believe he's still in like whatever position he just got. Like how the fuck do you keep that guy in that position? It's like wait a this guy is is he rooting for the other side he's on the axis side all of these movies along the fucking way the greatest generation d-day all of those lives that were sacrificed so that people could live free and this fucking nerd because he couldn't get any pussy in high school is now identifying with Hitler.
Oh, my God. This is where liberalism is bad.
Because and why extreme conservatism works over liberalism is because liberals at heart are non-confrontational and this is like some shit that needs to be stomped out immediately that people are gonna like fucking try to lead us back in that direction I mean what are we doing we doing? This is the United States. We're united, not divided.
And like, are we really gonna fuck this up because Elon Musk couldn't get any pussy in fucking high school? Like, we're really gonna fuck this whole thing up? Fucking guy. I mean, I don't know.
It just boggles my fucking mind.

I don't know.

We'll see how that plays out.

We'll see how that plays.

Why would he be a Nazi?

Like, what does he feel he's not getting as a white man?

I mean, it's like you're a fucking billion.

You get more money than anybody.

You're still upset?

Like, how do you have the bandwidth with the amount of fire? You're shooting rockets off and all of this stuff. You still have the bandwidth to fucking, to be like not liking people because they don't look like you.
Is that what it is? I mean, to be honest with you, nobody looks like Elon Musk. That's what's scaring me about that guy.
You know what I mean? Like Hitler couldn't live up to his version of of of what the perfect uh human was what are you like blonde blue-eyed and all of those fucking scandinavian people and like he was this ugly little fucking troll that was one ugly son of a bitch i will tell you that you know scowling he definitely came with the grunge vibe before grunge music. Hitler definitely had Seattle energy.
He was not a sunset strip guy. T-tops, doing some blow, walking, flying, driving down the street with some big-titted fucking blonde.
That was not his vibe. He was...

Hitler's chicks had hairy legs. I'm going to say that's what it was.
That's what he could get.

He was a private. He was a private in the service.
He was a private in the army.

And I don't know. And we all paid the fucking price.
So now here comes another one.

Here comes another one. Anyway.
So I'm fighting off this fucking cold. And I'm getting ready to get out of here.
Head back and see what doing a play is going to be like. I'm getting excited about it.
My lovely wife threw me a surprise party last night um and she invited fucking everybody I couldn't believe the people that were there everyone from like my closest stand-up friends musician friends um flight instructors I mean everybody I couldn't think of a part of my life.

I was just like, how the fuck did you get all of these people here?

And she was like, oh, she goes, when you were sleeping,

for a few of them, I had to go into your phone

and screenshot the phone number.

I go, all right, kind of creepy.

See, the second you're trying to surprise somebody on any level, like from like throwing a surprise party all the way to like, you know, invading a country or seek heiling at at a presidential inauguration.

You know what?

The great... or seek Heilig at a presidential inauguration.
You know what? The greatest country and the freest country in the world needs fascism. Unreal.
Un-fucking-real. Anyway, so yeah, she invited all of these people.
And I was telling her that night, I was going like, I'm going, yeah, I don't feel good. Like, can I just stay home? She goes, let's just go out for a little bit.
And I'm just sitting there going like, why the fuck? Yeah, exactly. Nobody listens to me.
Nobody listens to me unless I have a microphone and I'm fucking yelling into it. And even then I have to yell because if I, I don't know, I probably don't.
And I just had like one of those fucking days, you know, those fucking dad days, husband days, you know, where it's just like, it's just, you keep doing shit for other people and everything you're asking to be done for you just can't seem to get done. I was going to do it.
I just, and then you have to do it yourself. But what I've learned is I don't get into fights in those moments.
I just say to myself, I'm gonna talk to my, my, my, one of my buddies tonight, and I'll talk to him, and I'll be heard. I'm not doing it this way, all right? I figured this out with, like, women, okay? Trying to get a woman to think like you is not gonna happen any more than them trying to get you to think like them all right so i've just had this fucking i hate that expression come to jesus moment the fuck does that mean all right i'm running from that guy all right not him personally all right i got no problem with that surfing looking, he looks like he, you know, goes out on a board out there in Malibu.
You know, carves up the waves or whatever. I got no beef with him, but it's who he works for.
I stay away from those guys. You know, I cut out like the middle.
You know, religion, you know what? It's like trying to give money to a charity. It's like trying to get the money to the actual people that use it once it goes through the fucking infrastructure is impossible.
And that's what I find with like, if you're going to try to have a relationship with the higher power, I don't get how you do that through organized fucking religion. You know? Just inherently, it doesn't make any sense.
I feel like your sense of a higher power and that there's something bigger than you is your own personal thing and that somebody privatized it and turned it into a fucking business and then starts throwing down rules and scaring the shit out of you and telling you if you do this, you do that, all of this shit. They don't know.
They have no fucking idea what they're talking about. And now it's a business and they're making all this money.
You make money, you got boats, you got boats, you got money, you got whores. You got whores, you know, you're out there fucking, you know, fucking having a good time.
You don't want it to end. So then, I don't know, it all fucking goes away.

So I feel like that's my own business.

And if all these different groups can make up their own bullshit of what the fuck they think is going to happen after you die, why can't I?

How come I can't have my own bullshit?

And I like my bullshit because it doesn't involve anybody else.

I'm not putting it on anybody.

There's no collection basket.

There's no pedophiles.

There's no getting in bed with the Nazis.

And oh, did we have some of your money?

Sorry about that.

There's none of that shit.

None of that shit.

There's no terrorists.

There's no fucking 90 virgins. None of that shit.
None of that shit. There's no terrorist.
There's no fucking 90 Virgin. There's none of that shit.
None of that shit. None of that shit.
I don't even know what it is. It's just, it's your own fucking thing.
You're on your own. Maybe that's what, some people I think they just like the group dynamic.
You know, just to be part of something. I mean, a lot of people don't know this, but the Nazi party started with a bake sale.
And people just wanting to be part of a community. Who is Elon Musk dating? Can you imagine his chick when he just sees him go out there

and then just watches him start Sieg Heilig?

Like, oh my God, what is he doing?

He's going to burn this whole thing down.

I think he just lost his job.

Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, wait a minute.

Nothing happened.

I cannot believe nothing happened.

Nothing happened. How do you explain that away um i saw some guy who was saying gesture truthism and trying to like make it seem like people were saying that he wasn't sieg heiling he goes okay what was he doing? What was he saying? And then my rockets go, they're going to get launched and they go that way.
Maybe it was. Maybe it was taken out of context.
You know who would do the Sieg part of the Heil, but not the whole Sieg Heil, was that Celine Dion. It was like she was a Nazi that was stuttering.
You know what I mean? She couldn't quite get through it. She would Sieg, Sieg, Sieg.
She'd like punch herself in the cleavage. Anyway, all right, this Sunday coming up.
This Sunday coming up is sort of the calm before the storm where there's no, I'm not talking about the Super Bowl, I'm talking about no football.

You get to see what that's like, like, oh, fuck, no football.

Football fans, there's one game left and then there's no football.

There's no football.

I don't know why more people don't watch the USFL. You're watching a college all-star game.
They're sort of in the purgatory between being better than college football players and making it to the pros. They're somewhere like CFL level.
Don't they play in the offseason? I have no idea. This is the time of year I get into MotoGP starting up.
So I get excited for that. The motorcycle racing there.
And then also like college basketball, that all comes to a head as we slide into March Madness. and then it's baseball season.
And then we just fucking start all over again. Um, um, but anyway, um, Monday night I was at the Wiltern, uh, with Shane Gillis, Andrew Santino and Dean Del Rey.
And we had such a great time. And fucking Shane went out and absolutely murdered in front of me.
Santino murdered, Dean Del Rey murdered, even though they didn't turn the fucking lights down. He went on first.
Everybody killed to the point I was like going, do they really need me to go on at the end of this fucking thing? And it's funny,

my act is in this weird place

where it's either like

really sort of fun,

uplifting family stories

and then super dark conspiracy theory.

So what I do is

I do my conspiracy theory bits

for a little bit.

And when I feel like the crowd

is getting too crazy, I then tell a funny family story. And they're like, oh, yeah, okay, there's the sun.
Here comes the sun. And then I fucking go back to the other shit.
But I tell them, I know this shit is dark. I'm kind of going through some shit here as I try to figure out where this new hour is going.
But I'm kind of excited through some shit here, you know, as I try to figure out where this new hour is going.

But I'm kind of excited. I want to hopefully, I don't want it to be divisive is what I'm trying to do.
And I think I'm doing a good job at it because I find like when I've sort of messed around with a few of my ideas on TV lately, promote my special that's coming out on Hulu on March 14th.

Drop Dead Years on Hulu on March 14th.

Drop Dead Years on Hulu.

I notice people will still try and like politicize it.

And then, you know, which is stupid.

And it's just such a small amount of the population

that is really interacting with that online.

And I think a lot of it is just bots

trying to get people going.

What did I see recently?

Something about the bird flu and eggs

and all of this shit and all this stuff that's going on.

The bird flu, right?

And I go to the comments and every single comment is fucking political. Like, how is a flu that birds are getting? That has existed forever.
Bird flu has fucking existed. As far as I know, it's a part of nature.
How do you politicize that? How the fuck do you blame that on somebody like every,

and this is what kills me.

We are so conditioned to being divided at this point,

I feel we're actually doing it to each other, all right?

And these fucking laminated-faced,

hair-plugged fucking streaming service

fucking social media nerds

actually have

bots on there that are designed

to get people into arguments.

So they'll

interact

with the

social media platform so they can

get credit for that so they can charge

I don't know what it is.

Like that's how you make your money. You make your money dividing people.
It's pretty wild. But anyway.
You know I think liberals need to change their stance on guns though. Which would make conservatives excited until every liberal had a gun.
You know? It might be a little educated. It might be a little smarter.
It might be a better shot. You never know.
Can you... I don't want to go up against somebody that was on the fucking math team that actually knows how to fucking shoot as opposed to some other guy like, man, I just fucking whip it out and pour it and fucking squeeze it.
Although, you know, those guys grew up with them. I have no idea.
But like, I just don't you feel like they're trying to push us towards another civil war here? Like what over what? like what exact like when you really sit down and think about what the fuck is the problem right now

that it another civil war here? Like, over what?

Like, what exact,

like, when you really sit down and think about

what the fuck is the problem right now

that it is this tense?

Like, you know,

if you don't watch the news,

if you stay off of social media

and you leave your house,

this is fucking war of the worlds.

Like, nothing is really happening.

Like, what is the fucking problem?

You get on the street, you want a sandwich? Boom, there it is. You got your entire music collection with you.
You can play it in the car. You can fantasize that you're in the band.
That that chick you had a crush on in high school loved you. You can do that.
Nobody stops you from doing that. You can go on a hike.
You can play with your dog. It's really awful what people in power do on both sides.

The way they divide us and always get us, like, afraid that you're going to live your whole fucking life worrying about tomorrow as opposed to just having a good time.

A good time today.

Hey, Elon Musk, if you don't mind,

we'd like to enjoy our life.

I don't think we need to reboot Adolf Hitler,

you fucking lunatic.

I'm sorry, pretty girls don't like you

until you have a billion dollars.

Dude, when he was Sieg Highland, that looked like one of those crazy Nick Cage movies. Like, you ever see that clip when Nick Cage went out and he was, like, throwing karate kicks? He was, like, promoting a movie and he just fucking went out.
And I don't know what. He was probably towards the end.
I don't some people don't know you do those press junkets you're gonna get asked the same 30 questions like 30 million times and after after a while you kind of fucking lose your mind and that's what I love about that clip I feel like Nick was at the end of his fucking his end of his wits there and he was just yeah throwing kicks um yeah i feel like uh maybe elon he has all this money and power and he thought it was gonna fill that fucking void and it didn't and rather than face it in a panic of the profound loneliness Okay, and I'm coming from an empathetic place here because I experienced that when I took mushrooms. It's a profound sense of loneliness.
And then you either face that and figure out where it is or you just go full Nazi. I don't think he's, I feel he's more Mussolini.
If I'm to look at his face, I feel he's more Mussolini than he is, than he is Hitler. I gotta be honest with you, the fact that he did that and everyone isn't fucking outraged is just is beyond me because I always felt like this country collectively all agreed that Hitler was not a good person to put it mildly and I also think that we all look at World War II as far as the sacrifices that were made and what was prevented was a good thing.
I feel like that's the last war that we had where people weren't like, you know, some people like, well, Vietnam, oh, you know, they were stopping the spread of communism. Then other people like, no, that was just a fucking da-da-da-da, whatever, right? But World War II, I was always collectively like, yeah, those were bad people.
They needed to be stopped. And the sacrifices that people made was not in vain.
That was without a doubt a just operation. I thought that's where we all were.
And the irony that this fucking asshole was able to make a billion dollars in the nation that those kids saved in the 1940s would then turn around and fucking spoon with the person that was killing their their their

fucking fellow soldiers it's just it's beyond me it's just fucking beyond me um

I don't know you know what he reminds me of like back in the day like when I was coming up

Thank you. I don't know you know what he reminds me of like back in the day like when I was coming up it was an entire generation of comedians that I was in that was enamored with Bill Hicks and you'd see these Bill Hicks ripoffs and they would have they would go on stage and they would have like a leather jacket and they'd be smoking a cigarette talking about society man I feel like he's doing that i think he's like uh like a recovered nerd and now he's trying to be like the bad boy what was that johnny depp movie um it was a really good movie all of it i like all those movies but like it was that one uh the fuck was it called it was almost like a musical It was like 1950s Crybaby or something like that.
I feel like he's trying to be that character. He's trying to be like this bad boy.
This bad boy that Kate Moss would date. And I just don't think it's going to happen no matter how much money he has.
I think that realization hit him. And he didn't know how to handle it.
And in a panic, he went full fucking Third Reich. He went Fourth Reich.
He's trying to fucking keep it going. Sorry I'm laughing about this shit because I don't know what to do about it.
It's fucking terrifying. It is absolutely fucking terrifying.
Not that he did it, because there's idiots everywhere. It's that the lack of we need to stop this fucking immediately is beyond, beyond disturbing.
Out of all the people you could have emulated. All right, plowing ahead here.
So I don, I don't know what else, what else I got. Oh, so my surprise party last night.
Um, it just was, it was such a great thing. And my wife absolutely crushed it as she always does.
And, um, it was this great after party, um, down at the bike shed in, in LA. If you've never been there, there's one there and there's one in London.
And all they show is motorcycle racing there and a bunch of motorcycles are there. They have motorcycles on display.
There's a barbershop there. There's a place you can actually buy all this stuff if you ride and all.
It's just amazing food. It's just an incredible place.
And I'd been, you know, went down there a couple of times and I actually did a gig down there one time for the LAPD and sort of their function room, which was a really funny gig because I was doing the gig for all the cops and everyone was enjoying it. And then there was this one woman in the front who was, you know, I think just classy, went to church every week and was not appreciating what I was saying.

But she, I, you know, I was like, you're a cop.

I know you know your rights.

You have the ability to leave if you want to.

And she just decided to stay there

and look at me like a disappointed mother

the entire fucking set.

It was still a good time, but my brain definitely went back to that when I went in there going like, oh man. But it was just such a, it was such a great night.
It was kind of what I needed. And that's why I love my wife, why I married her.
She knew I was like really sad and depressed

about leaving my family and friends and all that.

So she gave me a nice big send off.

Yeah, it was definitely needed.

So if you're listening and you were there

from the bottom of my heart, thank you for coming out.

All right, and with that,

we've come to the end of the podcast here.

The bar has gone even lower

that now if you just don't see Heil

I'll see thing next time I talk to is it. I got some work to do.
I got to fucking keep trying to get off book with this thing. Next time I talk to you guys, I will be in New York City.
And I'll be getting ready for this next amazing experience in this business. So that's it.
Enjoy the music picked out by Andrew Themless, another one of my great friends in life.

And we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast afterward.

Have a great weekend, you cunts, and I'll talk to you on Monday. hey what's going on it's bill burr and it is time for the monday morning podcast for monday January 30th, 2017.
What's going on? How are ya? Um,

as you're thinking. So, Bill, does that mean the dynamics of the podcast is going to change a little bit? Yeah, just a little bit, but nothing crazy.
You know? Like, listen to me right now. You would have no idea that right before I got on this podcast, I just meditated.
I meditated for 10 minutes. I shut it down.
Let's focus on the sounds in the room.

Now gently let those go away and focus on your breathing.

I did that 10 minutes.

I guess it's helping me out.

You know, I had one meltdown this week.

I was trying to figure out how to put the fucking car seat into the car.

And I swear to God, dude, like the level,

the level that they have over

designed those things is insane i swear to god i hope auto racing they should put those fucking

drivers in car seats then nothing would ever happen to them i couldn't figure out how to get

this effing thing in there and i did i just say effing yeah i'm trying to learn how to

oh the kid's influence it's coming in i've been cracking me up by doing that

Thank you. and learn how to oh the kid's influence it's coming in i've been cracking me up by doing that going hey quit talking s and just you know abbreviating curses to her it's hilarious

because all she's ever heard me do is just you know curse my brains out and i was making a laugh

last night because we were laying in bed when we were watching wheel of fortune

with a beautiful baby between us and i was just doing what i always do i was trashing

all the contestants you know and everything on there and uh you know i gotta say about the wheel of fortune man they're fucking some stingy cunts on that show whenever it comes down to the to the thing, whoever the one of the three that won, when they go over and then you try to win some big money to get them for one big hit for like 50 or 60 grand, those puzzles, they're practically impossible. And the clues throw you off.
They had one, they said a phrase. They go, this is a phrase.
We'll give you these letters and of course you know none of them show up right then you pick some and a few of those show up this was the phrase our first voyage that's a phrase i mean technically it's a phrase but if you're gonna say it's a phrase there should be something like like to me a phrase it's somewhere between you know an expression and uh you know just some random shit right that's a phrase does that make any sense like an expression hey uh you know fucking stitching time saves nine is that an expression is soliloquy? I don't know what that is, okay? But I know that's not a phrase. That's something else, but I don't know what that is.
But a phrase is just something common. Hey, check, please.
You know, don't fucking touch that. I don't know.
I can't think of a good one. But you know what I mean? Our first voyage is a phrase.
Yeah, technically it's a phrase. Pat Sajak.
I never realized. They always fuck the person over.
They try to limit the R, S's, and T's in it because they know everybody's going to guess those ones. I don't know.
And he always pulls the card. Oh, I'm sorry.
And they give you like eight seconds to solve it. You don't get it.
And then he always pulls out some ridiculous amount of money. That was going to be be for 90 grand very stingy but what do you expect because i remember back in the day they always they had the shittiest prizes on that show it's almost like they didn't want you to be happy when you left so as much as i'm enjoying that show i don't know i'm starting to just getting ready to move on to a new game show um jesus christ am fucking tired? I don't know how the hell I'm going to get through this hour.
Because then I've got to run over. I'm doing Conan O'Brien tonight.
Everybody, please tune in to hype my stand-up special that comes out tomorrow on Netflix. My fifth one called Walk Your Way Out.
I know what you're thinking. Bill, why'd you call it Walk Your Way Out? Well, if you watch the show, you'll understand.
How about that? But if you guys could, you know, social media, the whole thing up, and just let people know to check the thing out so the dream continues, I would really appreciate it. I'm very proud of this one.
I hope you guys like it, too. I had a great time doing it, and we shot at this beautiful venue called the Ryman, which is the original place where they shot the Grand Ole Opry.
They had a couple of floorboards left from the original stage, so when you walk on those, those are the same ones that Elvis, Johnny Cash, and a bunch of other white guys in fucking Minnie Pearl walked on. Hank Williams.
Hank Williams, Jr. Hank Williams, Jr., Jr.
I told you guys I got satellite radio finally in my car after all those years of being on it, on the Opie and Anthony show way back in the day. XM Satellite Radio way back in the day.
I never had it, and I didn't realize how how fucking great it is and i've actually gotten a little bit into country music but it's that um willie nelson roadhouse channel i like the old stuff and the new shit i just don't fucking i just don't i don't get it i'm not into it at all there's got to be somebody there's no fucking way you can have an entire genre of music and not have anybody today doing it well. But who knows? So I haven't done shit this week, people.
I don't have any jokes. I don't even know what the fuck to talk to you about.
I've been watching Celtics and Bruins shit. I was so tired the other day.
My daughter was crying. My wife was holding my daughter, and I walked over with the pacifier to try to quiet the kid.
And I literally walked up and tried to put it in my, my, my wife's mouth. She laughed thinking I was fucking around.
And I was like, Oh, sorry, sorry. Cause when I walked over, she was talking and all I was thinking was make the noise stop.
And I tried to stick it in her mouth. So anyway, so I'm starting to understand why so many parents are so cunty to people who either don't have kids or they're about to have kids and they, I don't know, they're not nice people.
They really aren't and I'm going to try not to be that person. I'm not going to resent someone who doesn't have kids because they have free time that i no longer have that's such a fucking i don't know it's a weird thing you know when you have a kid because you get to experience this new level of love and then you also get to see this other side of people just like ah they would just fucking i don't know i don't know i ran to yet another person oh dude you're gonna have free time you can have no free time to fucking do it i went to a drum lesson saturday and i went to the nhl all-star game on sunday you know the rest of my time was fucking you know dealing with the kid but i'm still doing shit you know something i think a lot of fucking people they they didn't do shit before they had a kid they don't have a fucking hobby they don't have anything that they're passionate about i don't know what it is but they're miserable cunts i gotta get away from them you know i just had a buddy of mine say hey congratulations i i'm thinking about having a kid you know next year i just said that.
It's your experience. Don't talk to parents.
They're not saying people, myself included. Just, you know, it's going to be great.
Have a good time. Be nice if people did that, huh? But why would you do that? Why would you do that when you can't get some of your fucking resentment out on a completely innocent person? All right, I'm going to stop bitching about this shit.

I think I've made my point.

So anyways, I'm selling more shit.

Oh, I'm selling more shit.

Everything's on the chopping block.

I got that John Bonham drum kit that I have,

that 71 Ludwood green sparkle.

I'm actually toying with the idea of selling that fucking thing because it's just too fucking big for me. It's not comfortable playing it.
The cymbals, I don't even like the sound of them. It's not my sound.
And I did the stupid fucking thing that every weekend warrior wannabe hobbyist musician does. I'm going to buy Eddie halen's guitar then i'll play like eddie van halen no you won't you'll just be a douche with an eddie van halen guitar who isn't eddie van halen so i made that mistake so i'm actually thinking about um actually i toyed with the idea but then then I went in and I looked at the drums

and they're so beautiful.

I don't know if I can fucking do it,

but I don't know.

I would rather get a drum kit

that maybe is set up for fucking how I'm built.

I swear to God,

I played that thing out on the comedy jam twice.

And to go from the rack tom to the floor tom,

it's a 26 inch bass drum. It's so, you got to take like a taxi to go from the rack or just the way I'm built.
So to get to the fucking, from the rack to the floor, I always go via the snare just to give me that extra split second just to get over the fucking thing. I don't know how this bottom guy did it, but you know, it's not working for me.
So I'm thinking of getting rid of that and going out and buying maybe like a Gretsch or something like that. It was like a 22-inch kick instead of a 26.
And I have a 14-inch floor tom instead of having that as a rack tom. I think that I always liked a 14th floor.
I know this is some fucking nerdy drum shit but um yeah i think i want to do

that and get them out of the fucking house i'll go find a fucking studio space for like a couple

hundred bucks a month and i'll just have a brand new kit because that's the only thing that stops

me from setting that thing up because it's a vintage kit i'm like oh my god if somebody steals

it it's irreplaceable but if i buy a brand new one brand new symbols you get a little bit insurance

you know 50 bucks a month i walk in there one day somebody steals it ah just fucking get another one

Thank you. It's irreplaceable.
But if I buy a brand new one, brand new symbols, you get a little bit of insurance, you know, 50 bucks a month. I walk in there one day, somebody steals it.
Ah, just fucking get another one because they're still making them. I'm trying to get out of that disease of like an old shit.
I love old shit, but then you get it and it just becomes this fucking thing when it breaks. Oh my God, how the fuck am I going to try and find the parts for it? Like remember my bodyguard and the big dude from uh from um pile what is your major malfunction what the fuck was that called full metal jacket remember that guy he played the uh the dude who protect the kid from meatballs anyways he had a fucking motorcycle there was some little piece of the carburetor they couldn't fucking find so of course because it's a hollywood movie you know because it's a hollywood movie you know they go into a junkyard and the little nerdy kid finds it you know and then that's their the little bonding moment i would tell you guys how much i hate that when i watch um tvs and movies tvs tv shows and movies i hate the the fucking convenience of how everything fucking works out um i also like uh two nights ago i was doing stand-up at the comedy store and i was talking shit about being a white dude you know because it's funny because you're not allowed to do it you know every other group of people could be like proud of their accomplishments but we can't White dudes can't because of all the horrific shit that we've done wipes out any sort of accomplishment.
So jokely saying like, you know, we did this, we did that. We went to the moon and then this woman yells out, hidden figures, go see hidden figures.
I'm just, you know, I cannot stand people that go to see a Hollywood movie and think that they just read a history book. It's just fucking like, and then they think they're informed.
It's like, you're not informed. You watched a movie.
I told you guys that shit. Do you know that movie, Sully, when that thing came out? They wanted to make the co-pilot an alcoholic just to raise the stakes and the real guy who's really alive and still flies had to like threaten to sue or something be like guys you can't fucking put that out there about me i'm not an alcoholic i have a career in commercial aviation you can't start floating it out to the world that i'm a fucking alcoholic and then they were like all All right.
So that, that's all I'm saying. I'm not saying that there weren't some people doing some math and all that.
Just don't fucking... My only thing about that, this is myself included, don't fucking come after me when you've never heard of those people and all you did was go out and go see the fucking movie and start coming to me like he went to fucking graduate school.
So I had fun with that.

I probably went too hard.

You know, I brought up that guy who fucking,

you know, that dude who figured out that when you're out in outer space

that if you perspired that your sweat would boil

and you would literally boil in your own sweat

so that a spacesuit was literally like a giant radiator.

Some dude figured out that that would happen.

Figured out that that would fucking happen before we even went out there. You know? Where's that guy's movie? Huh? Where is his movie? Oh, Jesus Christ.
What else? Yes, I went to the NHL All-Star game. Three on three.
This crazy format. I think, you know, they're going in the right direction because everybody knows that All-Star games are mind-numbingly boring.
The baseball one's pretty good. I would say baseball's the best All-Star game.
The NBA All-Star game, I guess, is sort of fun because nobody's going to play D and everybody's going to dunk so it's a little interesting but i'd say the baseball one's the best so the nhl is trying to figure out you know a format on how to make theirs competitive and people to give a shit so they take like all four divisions and i don't i didn't even understand the format you played like five minutes then you played another five minutes other divisions came out, and you played five and five, and then the winner of those two then played in the finals. I don't know how the fucking thing worked.
Or did you play two 10-minute periods? I was at the game, and I couldn't figure out what was going on, and it was unbelievably quiet when it was in there. They should have played the first five minutes, five on five.

And then the next one, you know something?

There's no way to make an all-star game exciting.

That's just basically it. Because you know what?

They just have too much to lose.

You know, I bet when the all-star games were great,

well, back in the day when professional athletes also had, like,

off-season day jobs.

Like you played for the Cleveland Browns from September till the end of December. And then the rest of the year you were like pouring concrete.
Like those lunatics, they got in shape by, you know, being the jackhammer guy on a road crew. I bet then then they had some good games because then there was probably the pride of like our conference is better than your conference and blah blah blah blah but uh there's just too much money at stake but um it was still fun to go down there and see all that type of stuff but um this was part of my nerd you know fandom thing that i have i've now been to every all-star game except for the baseball one so now of course with my fucking ocd i have to i don't even know what i'm going for going to all of these fucking games at this point but um i don't know you know what's cool about it is it keeps me going to different places you know because at some point i want to go to that uh i've into one one golfing major in in order to go to all four the first three are not difficult well the u.s open and the pga are not difficult you can get fucking tix the fucking u.s open and golf i mean they're just animals you know when you watch that golf tournament and you hear those people screaming and yelling it sounds like the third show at some shit fucking comedy club on a saturday night just a bunch of drunks and they're not going to police anybody because they want to make their money off selling them booze um the masters is the hard one because they don't sell tickets and here's a heads up on that the first time i did it yep you get like these badges that are given to the members and they they're not supposed to sell them, but they all do.
And everybody kind of looks the other way, right? So then you go to these brokers that have these badges. You pay way too much fucking money for them.
Then you show up at somebody's fucking house. This is what happened to me.
And the first time I did it, I went with two people, and we lucked out. And we got the badges.
Me and Verzi, we went in we went in 2010 then a few years later we went to go again i brought five fucking people to the same people's house and uh they said ah there was a mix-up with the badges and then the lady who was gonna pay us just fucking goes i'll be right back to go get them and she just fucking left and that's the last time we saw her and then the husband just waited us out on the front yard and uh and i was just out the money and they completely fucked us over and i lost a ton of money as did a number of other people we were talking about trying to remember we were standing outside the house just waiting for them the neighbors came walking by going like oh do they screw you out of the badges yeah they did that a few years before and um you know just started having fantasies about burning down their fucking house and all of that type of shit and then um i don't know i just kind of let it go and you know what's funny is every time i let it go like fully just let it go and just be like you know what i did get to go to it part of buying scalp tickets is every once in a while you get fucked over it happened to me at a ravens game one time um i ended up buying uh some tickets that were stolen season tickets and they kicked me out of the fucking stadium and then i had to buy another pair of scalp tickets to get back in i mean it's it happens but what's funny about that um that when i get fucked over at the uh the masters and i bought i bought five of those fucking things so i was out a lot of money what was funny about that is every time i go to let it go because i remember saying guy I said dude if you don't give me money back

I'm going to sue you

and blah blah said all this stuff

and the guy little Elmore Fudd looking

fucking dude

just go you never get your money back

remember this fucking

this other fucking fat fuck

I was going well how much money you got in your pocket

from the other ones give me that money

and he goes yeah I'm giving that money

come and get it

like to see you try

it was like one of those moments

Thank you. I was going, well, how much money you got in your pocket from the other ones? Give me that money.
And he goes, yeah, I'm giving you that money. Come and get it.
Let's see you try. All right, it was like one of those moments.
And there was like five of us. And we could all beat the shit out of the guy.
But you know what's going to happen. You're going to beat the shit out of him.
Okay, then we're not going to get him money. We're going to go to jail.
They're going to sue us for assault. There's just no way to win.
the only way to win a fight once you're past like high school once you become an adult the only way to win a fucking fight is you have no money and you have nothing to lose and you're homeless that's the only way to win it because then you're gonna get arrested and you're gonna go to jail and at least now you got a place to stay for the night you get some meals you don't have to beg for food other than that, you're going to get arrested and you're going to go to jail. At least now you've got a place to stay for the night.
You get some meals, you don't have to beg for food. Other than that, you're going to fucking lose.
Because I sat there, kept trying to do the math. Going, how the fuck, you know, having those violent things.
And, you know, I'm sure there's a fucking tire iron in the car. If I smash both these guys over the fucking heads, which I'm not going to do.
I've never done anything even remotely that violent. But you're so fucking mad when you're getting fucked out of money.
You start having these fantasies. And just because it makes you feel better of just thinking of caving in the side of their fucking heads.
I just kept trying to do the math on how we would get away. And you just can't do it anymore.
You know, back in the day, you could do that that you could jump on your horse and fucking ride away it was over you know there wasn't some minor with the cell phone fucking camera and your horse had a license plate on its fucking tail and you were screwed you were done um you know somebody following you with the fucking drone and there was just no way um there was no way to do it other than to just take my loss and then I was gonna quadruple it and um and god knows what else you know and the kind of people that would do to us what they did to us I was like what would they do in a court of law if I was actually guilty of doing something to them you know what I mean so I let go of it I said, fuck it. It's a loss.
Who gives a shit? We'll make it up. We'll come back at some other time.
We'll go again. Fuck it.
And every time I would go to let go of it, start to let go of it, start to let go of it, fucking Paul Verzi, the half Sicilian part of him, who can never forget anything like that that would call me up and just get me fucking off. He get me all riled up again.
I'd be like, Paul, you got to stop doing it. And he would sit there calling me up.
Like he's Sammy the bull. If Sammy didn't fucking sell out and I'm, I'm fucking the other guy there.
What is it?? What the Teflon Don there? I almost said Giuliani. Gotti, John Gotti.
And he would call me up just telling me what he was going to do to that guy's house. And of course, he didn't do it.
And he's not going to do it. He's married.
He's got two kids. But he would call me up and he'd get me going again.
He did this for fucking years. Now it's just a joke.
Now it's just like once a year he'll call me up and be like, hey, dude, not for nothing. But I thought about this again the other day.
I was thinking not even fucking saying anything to you and just going down there and then just calling you up and being like, hey, Bill, it's done. It's done and right there right there you'd call me up and then you'd say something over the phone and because it's not illegal now to listen to people's phone calls right there we would get caught you have to you would have to do paul is you would have to go down and do it know that you did it and then not say anything to me ever until one day maybe we were out to fucking sea in international waters and then even then we'd have to go to back to the back of the boat when the engines were on you'd have to put your hand over your fucking mouth like fucking joe pesci and de niro and casino and then you could tell me oh by the way i burned down that guy's fucking house um so anyway i don't know how the fuck i got onto that that story i don't think i ever told you guys that story because i was so fucking mad about it for years um oh i know what i was talking about just talking about going to all these different games um so be beware of that if you ever go to the masters unless you have a really good hookup if you're just gonna buy from a regular person try to keep it at two because what happened because we were a group of five and they didn't have enough badges uh they decided like we're gonna have one group fucking pissed at us rather than having you know you know three groups of two fucking pissed off i forget how many we had it's just like all right we're just gonna have this is one group of people that will bitch as opposed to having like oh yeah they fucked me over they fucked my group they fucked my group so it was just just us complaining actually i think there was one other couple too i don't know i gotta stop talking about because it's gonna get me fucking mad again those goddamn cunts and you never get your money back oh god oh it's fucking elbow fun any other the fat fuck redneck this stupid orange shirt.
I still remember his big guy. He has his big fucking beer belly.
Oh, my God. Oh, the beautiful sound of a bat hitting all that flesh.
Oh, that would have been heaven. But, you know, that's not what you're supposed to do as an adult.
And who's kidding who? I've never done that to anybody. And I would have been like, I would have alligator armed it.
And I just would have made him mad. Then he would have smothered me with all that fucking hillbilly fat.
And I would have lost. And I would have been off the money.
Then I'd be leaving with grass stains all over myself. It would have been horrible.
All right. Oh, that's right.
Valentine's Day is coming up. I'm so fucking sleepy, too.
My kid last night got up. I started to fall asleep around midnight.

She got up at I get up at twelve fifty seven one ten.

Two oh something, three oh something. Then she went to four thirty, which was unbelievable.

Just get that extra thirty minutes. Then she went to six.

And for whatever reason, she sleeps from like six a.m to like nine or like 9 30 and i just know at that six o'clock one that when i change that diaper and i get her all settled down again that i can actually just like it's it's fine that's why the podcast is a little late here but thank god i'm a stand-up comedian okay you people that actually have jobs where you have to fucking get up at 8.30 in the goddamn morning to go drive. I don't know how you just don't nod off in traffic and drive into a fucking guardrail.
So my hat's off to you. All right, there we go.
Thank Christ. Thank Christ, it's over.
It's over. All right, let's get into some of the reads for this week.
I might come up a little short for my usual hour everybody because I got the cars coming at noon and old Billy has not fucking done anything yet I gotta get ready to do this fucking show alright oh you know what I didn't bring up I've been watching of course been watching the Celtics and the Bruins and all that bruins had a big victory against the penguins before the all-star break granted malkin wasn't playing but it was still we had played a great game and uh i have to go down to nothing if i remember correctly and then the celtics have been playing great had a big win against the bucks um who the fuck did they beat right before that i watched like every one of them i really enjoy i can't believe it I'm back into NBA hoop okay let me get to let's get to some of the reads here for this week oh Super Bowl celebrations dear Billy Bloodhound oh did I ever tell you guys how much I love a Bloodhound oh The amount of dogs that I fucking love, but I love that dog.

You know?

They just got that chilling out vibe.

You got to love a hound.

Because all you have to do is go, and they do it with you.

That's it.

That's all I need.

That's all I was looking for.

This is Valentine's Day, okay?

Ladies, if you really love your husband or your boyfriend, right? Just get him a bloodhound. You know? And then you can be as crazy as you want to fucking be, and all he has to do is just every once in a while be hanging out with his dog when you're not around.
You know? He just looks over at him. Hey, buddy, buddy.
Oh! And it does it with him, and it just makes you feel good. it's just me i don't know i heard you mentioned bloodhounds last week i know you're not looking to get a dog anytime soon but when you do definitely consider a bloodhound they're unbelievably unbelievable with real young kids i've had two uh with both my kids anyways my question is if you ever have been to a super bowl that's they're great with kids that's good to know um by the way i keep getting updates with cleo she's doing great she's loving her new family and everything's awesome with her and uh i might do a show at some point in the vicinity of the new people that have the dog just to visit and say hello i don't know if i should do that or not i don't know if it'll fuck the dog up or uh if it'll just make me sad all over again i don't know what but i still you know what the fuck i just look at like that's one of my kids and she's gone off to college and every once in a while i check in how about that anyways my question is have you ever been to a super bowl or hung around for the week before seeing what all the action is like? My friend asked me if I wanted to go this year, but I'd rather watch it at home.
I like to watch sports alone. Loved you on Cowherd.
Go Pats. All right.
Here's the deal. I have been to two Super Bowls.
I went to the Patriots when we played the Green Bay Packers. Remember that? And Brett Favre fucking threw that touchdown pass and then took his helmet off and ran like half the fucking football field because his agent told him to do that.
And give us a big astronaut smile when you do it, right? That cool just to be like the first time you go to a super bowl if you're ever lucky enough to go to one there is that thing that you can't believe you're at the thing that basically most of the united states is watching that you're there um and i remember going down there it was uh it was in new Orleans, and it was just all the Patriots fans were a bunch of drunks, and then, of course, the Wisconsin fans, who are the same level of drunks, but there's just something about Wisconsin, like the Midwest. There's a certain level of common decency.
Decency? I don't know what it is. I don't know.
They just don't go as hard. It's hard it's weird certain times you see them though they're more animals than east coast people but you know it's it's a it's an ugly thing you know um east coast sports fans we're lunatics so we're all up there screaming and yelling on one of those balconies fucking hammered down on bourbon street right and uh john kerry walked by and everybody was yelling that john k john k what do you think about the pages blah blah blah and he just looked up and he had this big phony smile this is like an act out you're not gonna get it but you know you know that stupid like old school like you know let's go get them and you like sort of like do the the you make a fist right and you kind of you kind of act like you maybe throwing a baseball to home plate like yeah kind of do one of those he did it he did it like slow motion he made the fist he paused and he just went and then kind of threw it like that really slow it was so fucking weird he was so detached from his own body.
And I'm convinced now, after I saw Bill Clinton do it, that they just know people are taking pictures of them. So they don't even give a fuck about interacting with you.
It's all about what you look like in the paper. That was that time I told you, long story, but I ended up, Bill Clinton, when he was still president, still president this is pre getting impeached and all that shit he came down to boston and uh one of my friends wanted to go down and see the motorcade i didn't want to fucking go my buddy didn't want to go he convinces us to fucking go he's gonna buy lunch so we go all right fuck it right so we fucking go down there he's all excited he just wants to see the motorcade go by because he'd watched so much of that JFK shit.
You know, he just wanted to see a motorcade. That's like a big deal to see the presidential motorcade.
I can admit that was pretty exciting to see. So they start coming down the street.
And right before they get to us, we're like, finally, here it comes. He's going to see the motorcade drive by.
And then we can all fucking go home. He can buy his lunch, right? Right before before they got to us they made a right turn to go into this alley right before they got to us like you know probably 50 yards up like oh you got to be fucking kidding me and this dude was so into like knowing politics he was just going like oh don't worry he's just gonna go in there it's a woman's college he usually speaks on average from 50 to 65 minutes i'll go run and get us some you know a couple slices of pizza whatever so we go fine so he fucking takes off and we're standing there and all of a sudden the secret service starts walking down the street telling everybody we're up against those little police little sawhorse things tell us get your hands up get your hands up and the motorcade starts driving and who's walking down the street fucking bill clinton with ted kennedy and somebody else ted kennedy was first i think i already told this story dude his fucking head i swear to god was the size of like a fucking safe i've never seen a head that big in my life like i literally went to like yeah both your hands up so the secret service could see your hand and they were just just sort of high-fiving people as they walked by.
I remember when Bill Clinton comes by. And everybody's like, oh, Mr.
President Bill Clinton. And he wasn't saying anything.
He just had both his hands up. He was slowly walking.
And just imagine smiling with your mouth open. Like, yeah.
Like you were doing that. But your face was just frozen.
He was just walking past all of us doing that.

And everybody was yelling to him.

Everybody was saying stuff, and he did not say anything to anybody.

He just had that fucking look on his face with both his hands up.

He looked like a fucking crazy person.

But then the next day, the front page of the paper, you see the guy,

and he's on the front page of the paper like,

and it looked like we were all having a great time. I thought there was something wrong with them.
Also, I will tell you right now, dude, the softest fucking hands of any guy ever. Ever.
He has not done a fucking day's work of manual labor in his life. Baby soft.
Now they have a daughter. Baby soft fucking hands.
That's how he how he gets the ladies that's what it is he puts one of those soft baby hands on your shoulders takes out a cigar and it is game set match so anyways he fucking does this shit then they jump in the car and then they fucking leave everybody's freaking out and then then it's just over and people just start to walk away and leave okay all of this took less than like 38 seconds okay because the secret service was not going to have the president exposed to the public for that long um so anyways he jumps in the car as i leave everybody's like like high off of oh my god i shook the president's hand how big was ted kennedy's head that takes about a minute for people to be like what the fuck and then people just start walking away and then like 15 seconds after that my buddy comes walking up the dude who wanted to see all of it and he just sees everybody has left i remember he was biting into a slice of pizza and he kind of stopped his bite and he just looks over and he goes i missed it didn't i and i just looked at him and i felt bad i was like i shook his hand and he goes no you didn't and then my buddy was a total pothead was galloping around sideways like in a circle just screaming i shook it twice i shook it twice

oh that was such a fucking sad quiet ride home and we would try not to fucking laugh we just

started laughing after a while and he just refused to believe it but the details we had he knew that

it was fucking true and then the next day in the paper he saw because he's saying like dude he

wasn't saying anything i'll never forget that he just was like oh but without like

Thank you. and then the next day in the paper he saw because he's saying like dude he wasn't saying anything i'll never forget that he just was like oh but without like that's the noise he should have been making but he wasn't making that noise he just had his mouth open with his fucking hands up and the next day in the paper though he looked like a champ the man looked like a champ all right um jesus that was a long way to go what was i talking about the first time i went to a super bowl yeah so we went to it and uh bill parcells fucked us over that year because that was his whole fucking stupid thing like you want me to cook the dinner you gotta let me buy the groceries because what's his face robert craft overruled him and said you should take terry glenn and fucking bill parcells ego couldn't fucking handle that right and then he he proceeds to tell the team that he's leaving and then he put his fucking house up for sale before we even played the goddamn game it's one of the most selfish things if that's true that's you know that's a rumor of what the fuck happened then you know what kills me he fucking goes to coach every place else he goes to coach who does he bring along with him Terryry glenn unreal unreal but whatever um let's plow ahead here uh oh and then the second time i went i went to the patriots versus the rams and we won that game obviously and uh went at last second and then i was just like you know what every time the patriots go i'm gonna go to the super bowl so the next time we played which was either against the panthers or the eagles i can't remember i think the panthers um i was gonna go but the next day um i had like a six or seven a.m call time to do that chapelle show sketch uh world series at dice that's the first time i met Charlie Murphy and all those guys.
And so there was no way I could go. And I was, you know, I was all upset.
Like, oh, man, I'm going to miss the game and blah, blah, blah. But I got to tell you, that Sunday night when the game was over and the Patriots won, you know, and I was sitting on my futon and my fucking poor excuse for a one-bedroom in New York City remember when the game was over i watched it with a couple of friends and they were leaving the game was over and i still had like two grand in my pocket because that's basically back then what you were looking at dropping like for the you could get tickets be like 1500 bucks plus the hotel and all the travel and everything was gonna be another 500 bucks the end of the game when i still had two grand in my pocket i was just like yeah you know what this is better i went i saw him lose i know what that feels like i went i saw him win i saw him win their first one in the last play it's never gonna get better than that i'll go again someday when i have a kid so someday my daughter if she wants to go i'll take her but um um if you've never been i would definitely go it's worth going one time but you know i was kind of all set back this is back when i still just had the regular square tv forget about the flat screen now with the surround sound and all that shit i don't know plus i i don't know i just like watching the game rather than uh you know i don't like everybody all that shit talking when your team loses or if you win watching your fans talking shit to other people.
It's just like we didn't have anything to fucking do with it. Right.
We got lucky or we got fucked. What are you going to do? All right.
Paranoia or legit worry. OK.
Hey, hey, Bill Berlachek. Congratulations on your new baby.
Huge fan of the podcast. I 30 year old naturalized citizen who immigrated from south korea when i was 10 as an immigrant and now a proud american um i'm writing to you in regards to the current state of messy affairs going on at the white house why do you guys ask me this shit you know i'm just a comedian or am i i'm gonna solve this problem do you still think that hill dog would have been just as bad as our current president uh with trump's reaction i'm not so sure anymore hillary might have been corrupt as you mentioned in your previous podcast but i believe she would not have taken such a radical brash action based on intolerance and hatred um not to that level but they're going to keep the wars going you haven't noticed like obama said he was going to end the wars he was going to shut down guantanamo none of them did it they're not going to do it i can't get into this type of shit look if you believe that that this government the governments act on what is right for people you know rather than money everybody everybody past a certain level moves on money that's it same thing in my business okay why don't they make better movies because they want to make money why there's so many cliches why there's so many shitty ones it's the same fucking thing um do i think hillary would do something like that no i do not i don't think that she would do something like that would she do a bunch of other evil things my point in all of that shit okay when the amount of shit that trump got during the election about being evil and a horrible fucking person i never disputed any of that but everybody was acting like hillary was a good person i say that she wasn't and i was trying to get people to look at other options which nobody's gonna do because they just go well that's a waste of a vote because you're not gonna win anyway so my thing with american voters is you get exactly what you fucking deserve if you don't have the balls to not fucking to to do not vote for the the representative of the republican and the democrats who've been fucking you over since the day you've been born and try to get outside of this and try to pick somebody from a different fucking party that actually wants to call out bankers and calls out uh um corporate corruption and deregulation and pharmaceutical companies and fucking uh um genetically altered food all of that shit that never gets fucking brought up with the fucking the two guys who are you know the man or the woman are the two guys usually that are in the fucking the showdown between the Republican and Democrat you get what you fucking deserve so this whole fucking thing now because Trump's such a colossal fuck up which everybody already knew okay um for you now look at Hillary being like well you know it's like you're looking at two serial killers and Hillary buries the bodies you know fucking under her house and Trump leaves them out in the fucking street.
Therefore, you'd rather have Hillary. I mean, if that's I don't know.
But I can honestly tell you, you know, just my own feelings that she's not a good person. Trump is not a good person.
They're two horribly selfish fucking people. And I think a lot of people got caught up in the fact that with hillary's fucking genitalia and the whole thought of oh my god if there's a woman president what does that mean for fucking women it's just like every president in my lifetime has been a guy what does that meant for me as a guy nothing it doesn't mean anything like that's that's like that disease in my business when you're a struggling artist and then all of a sudden you get a manager an agent you start thinking when i can put my feet up i don't have to work anymore yeah you do you're always gonna have to work you know why because nobody gives a fuck about you and i hate to be so fucking bleak but it's the truth nobody gives a shit what trump is doing is fucking horrible it's not surprising it isn't in a weird way it's actually causing a bunch of people to rally and push bats against him he's so fucking radical that i don't think he's gonna survive he's gonna do a bunch of fucked up shit to like the midterm elections and he's gonna be so fucking out of hand that people are just gonna run all the way to the other side of the boat that's what always happens the same way after eight years of bush oh let's all now let's all run over to the guys with the blue ties and the blue bras and you still get fucked and then everybody runs over to the other side so whatever i'm trying not to be preachy here but like you kind of get what you deserve if you're going to go through the insanity of continuing to vote for whoever the democrats or the republicans are going to give you at that level and you're not going to have you're not going to start at least voting for these other people to encourage more people to run outside of those two fucking parties.
Other than that, I don't know what to tell you. All right, I'm done ranting here.
Anyways, he said, I remember on Conan, you said everything will be the same under Trump. I really hope to God that you are right.
Dude, you know something? I'm getting so much shit for that Conan thing. You know something? Next time there there's an election like that you go on the day after the fucking thing and try to find some sort of a fucking angle you know like it's my fault the day after the election that i say that that trump gets in okay everything has been the same under trump for a guy like me and for most fucking people if you're're Muslim, yeah, you're fucked.
That absolutely fucking changed. Okay.
But they were not showing those people. They were showing a bunch of white women crying.
That's what the fuck they were showing. You know, and then they go, oh, the fucking Planned Parenthood and all of that type of shit.
I mean, I don't, I don't fucking know. I mean, what, like, I think people fucking Trump, and for whatever reason, they want to yell at a comedian.
So continue to yell at me. You know, I told you they were both pieces of shit, but after the election, I don't know.
I just thought a lot of the screaming and yelling and fucking crying was a little much. It was a little fucking much.
I understand you're disappointed, but crying, it just was so fucking pathetic. All right? You don't like the guy, do what the fuck you can to fight back against him.
You don't just fucking break down crying like somebody took your toy away. I don't know.
Maybe I'm too fucking, I don't know, cynical.

But I've gotten so many tweets. You really don't think you're going to fucking, dude, shit changed when Obama came in.
But did it really

fucking change? You know what I mean?

Because I guess for me, actually true change, they would tell me

where exactly do my federal income taxes go?

Where does that go? If it goes to the fucking

IRS and they are not, they are

I'm going to... Where exactly do my federal income taxes go? Where does that go? If it goes to the fucking IRS and they are not, they are a private corporation of bankers, they are not connected to the government, where does that fucking money go? Do the people at the upper echelon of the fucking Federal Reserve, do they actually even bother paying taxes considering they're paying themselves? There's a nationwide heroin epidemic that people are saying was created by the pharmaceutical companies, was not even fucking brought up.
They genetically altered our food, which is evidently so fucked up they got to try to force other countries to do it and they're fighting back against them because they don't want it and evidently it's so fucked up that these people they don't even want to be forced to label food as genetically altered because they know people aren't going to buy it there's all of that shit all of that shit not only did not change under a president with a blue fucking tie it continued to get worse so now when a guy like Trump does something so, so obvious, now everybody's all, oh my God, this guy's out of his fucking mind. Like this last guy, I mean, I'm not saying Obama's a bad fucking guy, but like, wasn't he just continuing on with the fucking warmongering and all of that shit? Am I out of my mind?

Maybe I'm out of my mind.

I don't know.

He said, I don't know, Bill.

Maybe I'm paranoid overreacting,

just like those crazy liberal fucks out there,

but I really do feel worried.

It's one of those gut feelings that simmer deep down into your soul.

I mean, come on.

Even Gorbachev just said,

the world is preparing for war.

Yeah, absolutely.

But I don't think that's because of Donald Trump. I just think he's yet another guy.
And if they say the world, the world is not Donald Trump. It's a bunch of fucking people.
You know what it really is? I don't give in to fucking hissy fits. You don't think clearly if you're breaking down crying and just screaming that the fucking sky is following falling then you're not going to make any rational decisions there's a bunch of groups that are going to help out those peoples at the airport that you can give money to you can do shit like that you can give money to them and you can pray to god that they're actually going to use it on them and not use expense accounts and go out and buy themselves a fucking Corvette.

So I don't have any answers, but I will say this to people.

You got to stop looking.

You know, I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know what it is about stand up comedians, but we for some reason are get our feet held to the fire more so

than people who are actually in the governmental positions um you know you want to get mad at me because of what the fuck i said on the the day after the fucking election on conan by all means do that but you know i bet there was how many of those fucking women at that women's fucking rally How many of them do you think actually voted?

You know what I mean?

All of them you think actually voted? You know what I mean? All of this fucking outrage. Where were you on election day? I mean, there's been people who got busted bitching about Trump.
They didn't even fucking vote. You know, but whatever.
Give me shit because I joked around when it was like a fucking funeral out here in hollywood i was just trying to calm people down like you see you know you see a bunch of adults crying on television yeah it's unsettling this is what i think's gonna happen i think this guy is gonna go fucking sideways and then he's gonna go so sideways the mid what's going to happen is they're just going to get a bunch of fucking democrats in there to maybe level this guy out but in the meantime they'll keep deregulating deregulating the banks and all of that other shit and in the end of the day guys like trump will be able to build a golf course and a fucking pipeline under and over any native american land that they want to that's what the fuck they want to do people they're so rich they find the government to be a nuisance that's what the fuck you're dealing with and um i don't know that's what i think all right so there you go and once again i don't read or pay attention so fuck off uh and god bless the united states of america all right advice from a new fellow dad hey billy boy congrats to you and the lovely nia on the new baby my wife and i welcomed our first son about five weeks ago uh people would try to give you too much advice early on but i've discovered the only secret uh you need to know about babies is that snap suck and zippers rule baby shit all damn day uh so you're taking onesies on and off all day you don't need the added frustration of fumbling with dozens of snaps to get uh onesies so get onesies with zippers and that's all you really need to know congrats and go again and go fuck yourself that's a great one that's actually great i'm gonna use that because i dealt with snaps all last night um all right selfish girl friend advice hey bill you're gruff hey bill you gruff ginger bollocks i love the podcast brutally honest it's great you're like anyway i got a girl who most of the time is great uh she's really hot really smart really fun they always start this way but every so often she just seems totally fucking selfish most of the time i totally admire her admire her ethics slash morals important right yeah so she's human most of the time she's cool and every once in a while she's got this thing you don't like well we celebrated our third anniversary yesterday by the way i'm 28 she's 27 we went out to a sushi restaurant for a bit of a celebration it gets time to pay the bill and i say i'll pay in cash if she transfers me her half oh god dude he goes from that moment on on the night was all silent treatment till we started arguing then it went back to silence till we went to sleep yeah because that's that weird thing where it's like you're celebrating your anniversary but for some reason you have to pay um yeah that's where all the feminism goes out the fucking window right there that's always a great sleep when there's an unresolved issue i'm not even a big believer in the guy just paying I not even a big believer in the guy just paying.

I'm not a big believer in the guy just paying the bill, but okay, on special occasions, it's done.

It's the done thing, so I'll go along with it. But I didn't this time because the week before,

my laptop fucked up and I had to sacrifice my TV, my camera stuff, and media center, stuff I love,

to make enough cash to get a

decent replacement so i can work slash keep applying for new jobs also i've been between jobs and money's a bit tight right now in short it's not been a great week you'd think she'd be a bit understanding about it given the circumstances but no hey you're making all decent points here Anyways, we had a fight about it.

Went quiet again.

Then we did what we do sometimes and just let it go rather than either of us having to apologize. Oh, that's not good.
She says the argument was me not treating her like a lady. I see.
This is this fucking, I don't know. This is this thing.
You can't win as a guy. You know, they want to be treated just like a guy when it's something good is at stake.
But when a bill comes like I'm a lady, I say it was about it was not about me paying for everything. Up till the bill, we were having a great time.
I was psyched about a callback for a great job I'd gotten earlier. She was psyched for me.
Then she throws a fucking moody like a fucking infant whose toy's been taken away because i want to split the bill i don't know maybe i'm insane my friend says it was a school boy error i don't think we're kids in a bit in a bit of grown-up consideration called for this situation but anyways have at me if i'm being a moron give me both barrels um dude uh all of this shit that you said to me you need to say to her i mean minus the fucks and some of the other stuff calling her a child i wouldn't do any of that but um you know your relationship is going to be a lot easier if you start communicating so um maybe you could have preface it with, hey, you know, your relationship is going to be a lot easier if you start communicating. So, um, maybe you could have preface it with, Hey, you know, I know we're celebrating our anniversary.
I know I'm supposed to pay as a guy, but I'm kind of tight. Can you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I don't know. I don't know.
I just, I don't, I don't get all of that shit where, why the guy has to pay. It it's your relationship and the woman never pays you know if you notice all the advertising hey valentine's day is coming up it's all about what the guy has to get the woman um that's something you don't hear at the fucking woman's march just basically how the male female relationship is set up is that the guy should just be constantly showering her with money and gifts because she had the decency to uh you know spend her time with you it's like her time has value yours does not you know i don't get it it's like hey i could be fucking doing.
Rather than listen to you talking about your day, same as you got to listen to me. It's not how it works.
Anyway, cigar recommendation. Hey, there, freckled tits.
I have been sober and more importantly, off the cigarettes for over a month now. Congratulations.
To celebrate this, I decided to treat myself to a nice cigar while I watch your new stand-up special on the 31st. Any recommendations on a and go fuck yourself um well if you're off cigarettes i don't know why you'd smoke a cigar but if you're going to and you don't have access to a cuban cigar um i like those um the aurora emeralds and i like uh this um the davidoff Nicaraguan that Verzi turned me on to.
And the Casa Magna, the, the torpedo ones got the two bands. I forget which one it's called.
I like those ones. But I kind of quit smoking, to be honest with you.
I think I'm done with it. I may have the occasional fucking cigar, but, you know, now that I'm getting life insurance and it's just it's just like all right i gotta get this nicotine out of my system so i can pass the fucking test and everything when i saw the difference in rates just even being a passive smoker i was just like wow uh they obviously know that this means this shit's gonna fucking kill you so i was kind of like who am i fooling here if i just clean myself up so i I think I'm kind of done.
I'll smoke a cigar.

I don't know.

I'll smoke a cigar where you're supposed to,

where it's an actual moment,

as opposed to just being like,

oh man, I always smoke cigars

and now I'm kind of feeling that itch to smoke one,

so I'll smoke one.

But anyways, I got to get running here.

I got to go do Conan.

I'll say some more shit probably about politics

and then you guys can give me shit like I'm the one fucking running things um i told you a long time ago

i don't read uh that's it go fuck yourselves and i'll check in on you on thursday bye