Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-24-25

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in. Checking in on you.
What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? What's up? People on the East Coast, my friends still checking in on me to see how I'm doing. I have not watched anything on the news.
I don't watch the news. I have no idea what's going on.
And it's unsettling that they keep asking because I thought the fires were out and they were just sort of hosing it down as they do afterward. But I guess not.
I guess it's still going. So this is insane.
So it is what it is. I've started to wear a mask out here.
I didn't have a mask a mask on for a few days I was like I don't want to do the fucking mask thing again and I walked around for a couple days without a mask and my throat was killing me right and I was just thinking that I was just thinking like you know all like the plastic you know I mean everybody has a plastic dustpan in their house you know and then like if like you know if somebody has crocs in a house i feel like you're like a crocs family you know like just not one person then everybody gets them and those things are like oh those rubber maybe those are rubber i don't know what it is but um all i was thinking was uh they they better, you know, since what they learned during the cleanup after 9-11, that they get these firefighters, you know, the right equipment so they don't destroy their lungs. I don't know.
What a time. What a time.
You know something? Every time is a crazy time to be alive, though. You know you know when you think about it i think that's why people like the 90s 80s and 90s and maybe most of the 70s at least in this country it's like we got out of vietnam so that was over you know you have your recessions fucking bankers right and you kind of went in and out that.
We had Grenada in the eighties, you know, and then we had a quick one in the early nineties over in the middle East. I don't know.
There's always something going on though, right? There's always something that makes you feel like whatever you believe in is going to be showing up next week to judge you um i saw this thing with this guy who recently passed away they um they posted his thoughts on the afterlife and he was a reincarnation guy which just doesn't make any sense to me you know i mean like you keep coming back until you get it right and then you um then you get to go to the afterlife then what i would think would be the population would be slowly dropping rather than increasing because with each death there would be a certain percentage that finally got it right and then also i'm thinking like if that is true the reincarnation thing that you stay here until you figure it out and human beings been walking the planet for i don't know how many hundreds of thousands millions i can never fucking remember what scientists say or the bible if the re well they don't believe in reincarnation about whatever what the scientists say you know we claim out of a fucking lake or some shit and I'm still here it's like how fucking dumb am I like at what point do you give up on the dream of like you know what i mean like i had a lot of fucking dreams before i figured i'd give stand up a shot i had a lot of fucking dreams and one of the things that led me to stand up comedy was when i sucked at something i honestly looked at myself and i was like, I don't, you know, I'm not good at this. And I would just try to find something else.
So it would be weird if I was able to do that in my life and find the right job for me. Learning from my failures as far as my career career but for some reason the overall the big overall getting life and doing it right I keep I keep doing it wrong you know that's a good sci-fi movie right that somehow everyone finally becomes aware of it.
Right?

And that's why the world keeps getting worse and worse.

Because with each like generation dying off, the people that get life and are nice and courteous and empathetic or whatever you're supposed to be doing down here, there's none of them left.

So then all it is is just us pieces of shit.

And then whoever makes us announces this is the final round and and it's the most difficult because everybody down there is a fucking moron a piece of shit or both and that's why the world has progressively gotten worse and worse and and this is your last opportunity, and you somehow, all of you, have to set aside your petty shit, your greed, your lust, whatever the fuck it is that's holding you back, and you got to do what's right, or else for the rest of your life, you know, your life is going to be standing in line at the DMV, or whatever the fuck your idea of hell is. I don't know.
I never thought with, like, with, like, hell, I just I just never thought like the punishment matched the crime. You know what I mean? Unless you were like, like a, like a serial killer.
like if you just like took somebody's life you know what i mean or you were some mass murdering

dictator or fucking whatever like i I always felt like like that justified being like, you know, punished forever. Right.
Because you took these people away from the people that they loved. You took somebody's life.
That always made sense to me. But like but like you know if you're just some fucking

asshole that cheats on his taxes you know what i mean you went to vegas and you got a hooker what i just don't see like and then now you shall be down there right next to hitler it's like Really?

I mean, what the?

That's a big fucking leap.

No? hitler it's like really i mean what the that's a big fucking leap no um i don't know i always felt like if you had any sort of a fucking like i don't know so much it's it all everything falls apart after a couple of questions there's always something you can't answer including

if you go the science way you can't answer it after a while you know what i mean and they can

be like well you know we haven't figured it out yet you know so it's like all right i'll go with

that arrogance and then like you have on the other side religion which so much of it is made up of

just dumb people who are so too dumb to know that they're stupid right and they just well that's god

Let's go. which so much of it is made up of just dumb people who are so too dumb to know that they're stupid, right?

And they just, well, that's God.

That God did that.

It's just the fucking simple answer.

Simple answer.

You know what I mean?

Like, oh, you know what?

Why does that happen?

Oh, that's God.

He did that. I always love, you have the answer and you know the sex of the product what like and all he he made us in his image all of that arrogance and all of that stuff like i like uh like you know i definitely think the way that we behave it's feels more believable to me that we crawled out of a swamp then the perfect guy created us in his image and this is the way we're behaving or maybe we're like the boss's son

you know what i mean like he did all the work and now we're just going around being fucking hey do you know who i am huh god yeah he created me in his image man means i get to do whatever the fuck I want. So anyway, playoffs this weekend.
One football game, one predetermined outcome. So I'll just be watching that NFC game.
I can't stomach watching. And it's not the Chiefs fault.
It's not the fan base's fault. I just can't.
I can't fuck it. I just can't look at that show anymore.

All right.

If I wanted to watch football like that, I would watch Tom Cruise and all the right moves.

You know what I mean?

I'm not like, you know, I'll go put on Rob Lowe and Youngblood.

I'll just watch a movie rather than something that's acting like it's real rather than a fucking movie.

Like it's a made-for-TV fucking movie at that point where you just start they're literally casting people um so anyway um i've been watching college hoop and i've been following the jayhawks i watched their last two games i watched them come back against tcu um tcu given into the pressure of the uh the nba with the fancy or the european basketball courts um it's fucking difficult with me with my old eyes to watch a basketball game where the floor is supposed to be the same like texture as a horned frog. It's like, I get it.
You're frogs. I don't understand how you think making that little three-pronged thing with your hand is supposed to be a horny toad, but I mean, I'll give it to you.
I'll give it to you the same way Florida thinks that clapping your arms together is, ooh, that's like an alligator, and I don't think it is. I don't think it is.
It looks like you shutting, like, what would you call that? Like a couple of pocket doors that were turned vertical. More so than an alligator.
I think it's disrespectful to alligators considering how long they've been here. You know, and how many things that they've've survived like as much as god fucked up with people he crushed it with fucking alligators and crocodiles i mean those goddamn things it's like if you can just live to being like you know i don't know eight nine feet tall eight nine feet is that what you say um something like eight, nine feet tall.
Eight, nine feet, is that what you say? Something like that. Eight, nine feet tall.
Long. Then you have the chance to live.
How long do those things live? Is it like tortoises? I saw this thing the other day. They tried to say this tortoise was 150 fucking years old.
It's like, what is it, telling stories?

Are you counting the rings on its neck?

How the fuck do you know how old it is?

Scientists.

Figure that shit out.

They sit there and they fucking look like,

how the fuck do we figure out how old?

Are you looking at its molars? How long its beak is? Whatever you call it. Anyways, the Kansas Jayhawks, as I switch between the end of the world, creationism versus crawling out of a swamp over to Bread and Circus.
We're back to Bread and Circus. The Kansas Jayhawks next game, ladies and gentlemen, is, who is it? They're playing Houston.
They're Houston. Houston, what are they? The Cougars or whatever? They're a top 10 goddamn team.
taking you all the way back to five jammer slammer slammer jammer whatever they were

way back in the day, Clyde Drexler, Akeem Olajuwon, and all of them. They're back.
Let's see, where are they ranked? I got the rankings right in front of me. They're ranked seventh.
Auburn. War Eagle, number one.
Duke is two. Iowa State.
Yes, state when was the last time iowa or iowa state was ranked this high in anything maybe uh thrash metal maybe that was the thing that was slipknot i don't know alab, everybody thinks it's about football over there, look at that, I'm trying to think, the last great Auburn basketball player, I want to say was Charles Barkley, but I don't watch it a lot, and he got Florida, was it Joakim Noah played there, and then he got Tennessee, I think Peyton Manning during the offseason. He played the two guard, right? Then Houston is number seven.
Michigan State, Kentucky, and Marquette. Rounding out the top ten.
And then you got, there's some crazy teams in here. I never would have thought would be in the top 20 in basketball.
Purdue, that makes sense. Kansas.
My Jayhawks are at 12-12. Texas A&M.
Mississippi State. There's some new ones here.
Oregon, Ole Miss, Illinois, Wisconsin, UConn. I feel like that's low for them at 19.
They must have lost some players left. St.
John's. Former formerly known as the Redmen, now known as the Red Storm.
Here's a question I have. Do the St.
John's Red Storm ever play in their old arena or all of their games at Madison Square Garden? Because when I'm back east doing the play, I would love to go to a game but I want to go if I could in that other stadium which is kind of going to be difficult because I feel like their games will be the same time I'll be working who knows shout out to the Michigan Wolverines at 21 Missouri 21 missouri 22 west virginia 23 memphis i'm sorry missouri 22 west virginia what oh west virginia 23 memphis 24 there we go and i said what because like i keep doing that my eyes they keep failing me i need my reading glasses so i have them

um anyway plumbing ahead here um here's another upside if you're into moto sports moto gp and f1 are starting again next month and i saw two crazy things um like mark marquez you know, he rode Ducati last year, but he wasn't on the official team. He's now on the official team, uh, with Pekka, uh, Pekka Bagnayi.
And then, um, Lewis Hamilton is driving Ferrari. Now, a lot of people have difficulty with that, saying they should have, I guess, stuck with the two young kids that were coming up.
But I get why he would do that. I would think if you were a F1 driver and you had the opportunity not only to drive for Mercedes, but then also drive for Ferrari and become part of the history of both of those.

I mean, what else does that guy have to prove?

Doesn't he have like the most championships of all time?

You know, as you can tell, I don't know much about F1, but I know that people were mildly upset by the fact that he wasn Why isn't he looking good? Why is he doing what he wants to do? I don't know. That's like you basically have, you know, the Jordan of both sports or the modern-day Jordan of both sports are changing what factory they're riding for, which is really, really going to be interesting.
I can't fucking wait, man. And I got to tell you, man, I know you watch a lot of sports, but MotoGP is the easiest thing to watch.
They're quick races. They're only 20-something laps.
And they got three levels of them. They got Moto3, Moto2, and then the top one.
So, you know, I don't know if you like passing and that type of stuff.

If you like watching somebody riding 200 miles an hour on a motorcycle

and he's trying to pass the person in front of him going 202 miles an hour,

I mean, that's exciting to you.

That is the sport for you.

All right, let's get into the, what am I doing here? Let's do the advertising here for the week. Squarespace.
Hey folks, the podcast, this podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. If you don't know, Squarespace, all one word, is the all-in-one platform that makes it ridiculously easy to build a professional website.
whether you're launching a business, showing off your creative work, or trying to sell something online. They've got everything you need all in one place.
It's so simple that even someone like me, who has zero patience for technology, can make it look good. Now, there's a big statement there, if I can make it look good.
And if you're one of those people always saying, I got this idea, but I don't know where to start, this is where you start. Let me tell you about a few things I think you're going to like.
All right. Their fancy drag and drop design tool called Fluid Engine.
You don't need to know anything about coding or design. Just pick one of their templates and make it your own.

You want to sell t-shirts?

Is that what you want to do?

With your catchphrase or mugs with your dog's face on them?

SquarePants makes it easy.

You design it.

They handle production, shipping, all that.

Got video content?

They let you organize and showcase it beautifully on your site.

You can even sell access to it through member arena areas. So if you got a side hustle like online classes or stand-up clips, this is a great way to monetize.
Head to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go to www.squarespace.com slash burr to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. And it goes on to say, oh boy, I touched the screen, went right back up to the top.
That's squarespace.com slash burr to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or it says Damon, D-A-M-O-N. I think domain.
I don't know. All right.
Oh, it's policy genius. Each new year is an opportunity to reflect and plan for the future.
Hmm. Like setting career goals.
Hmm. Making financial moves.
Ah. Or most importantly, ensuring your family is always taken care of no matter what happens.
I'm talking cash. I'm talking gold, weapons, shelter, and unlimited food source.
Sorry, I went end of days there. Make this the year you check life insurance off your list.
Life insurance, okay. And protect your family's future with Policy Genius.
Policy Genius makes finding and buying life insurance simple so you can ensure your loved ones have a financial safety net to cover debts and routine expenses or even invest that money to earn interest over time. With Policy Genius, you can find life insurance policies and start at just $292 per year for a million dollars of coverage.
Some options are 100% online and let you avoid unnecessary medical exams. Compare quotes from America's top insurers side by side for free with no hidden fees.
Their licensed support teams help you get what you need fast so you can get on with your life. They answer questions, handle paperwork, and advocate for you throughout the process.
Life insurance is a form of financial planning, and Policy Genius is the country's leading online insurance marketplace. Even if you already have life insurance through work, it may not protect all your family's needs or follow you if you leave the job.
Join thousands of happy Policy Genius customers who left five-star reviews on Google and Trustpilot. Secure your families tomorrow so you have peace of mind today.
Head to policygenius.com slash billburr or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. That's policygenius.com slash billburr, B-I-L-L-B-U-R-R, one word.

All right.

Discover the value of driving with Mazzei Chevrolet,

your trusted destination for new and used Chevrolet vehicles in Vacaville, Napa, and Fairfield.

Conveniently located just off Highway 80 at the Leisure Town Road exit,

we offer a wide selection to suit your needs.

Whether you're looking for a reliable

family car truck or suv mizzeh chevrolet has you covered stop in or visit mizzeh chevrolet.com today mizzeh chevrolet together we drive well there you have it there's 23 minutes of your life you'll never get back. Anyway, becoming a fucking motorcycle fanatic.
It's weird. I don't know.
I've always liked them. And now that I've been riding a little bit, I absolutely love them.
And I don't know. I don't know what to do about it this is not something i saw happening but i mean they're fucking works of art so many of them and i've been i've been you know what i've been looking at is a bunch of uh the older ones it's a fucking disease man i just love old shit i love old houses i love old instruments i love old cars trucks motorcycles i like anything that's fucking old i just think there it's inherently fascinating you know what i mean that like what how it used to look, the way it was built, you know, the technology that existed then.
Like I've been really into a lot of those, those classic Japanese bikes, you know, sort of like the first super bikes. And I don't mean the ones from the eighties, like the seventies.
of the hondas uh particularly and i remember as a kid i used to always love them and uh there was this weird thing when like when i was growing up where all of a sudden foreign cars were like taking over like my family had a 73 toyota corona station wagon black gray with black interior stick shift everyone in my family drove a stick right four speed it actually had a wood handle but it was one of the last years that they did that and i remember my dad oh christ look at the dashboard just a piece of shit right because it was all like plastic oh christ look at this thing you know he didn't want to buy a foreign car but uh it's just where we were they were cheaper right and uh what was i gonna say i always loved like during that period the brake lights the way the red and the orange and the shape of them the way they put them together on the datsuns the toyotas the cars and then on the motorcycles i used to always love the h's rear brake light. I don't know why.

There was just something about it that it just really looked great and it looked great with the 70s aesthetic. And I'm finding myself going back looking at those things, you know, now that I have.
Okay, I'll tell you, underrated. Learning how to drive, ride a fucking a Harley Davidson with the fairing.

Once you ride one of those big ones, every other bike becomes a possibility. Now, I'm not talking about like those ones, you know, where people get on and dress like Speed Racer and go like 200 miles an hour in third gear.
I'm not talking about those things, Those ninjas and all. I'm not talking about that shit.
I just mean everything else that is sort of like. What would you say? What would the word be? The word would be sort of more user friendly.
More chill or whatever. I've gotten really into those things like old Ducatis.
I i don't know they're just like fascinating and then also it just seems like if i had any sort of mechanical like inclination not inclination skills like the engine is just like one of the cool things about a motorcycle is the fucking engine is right there i guess you got to take all the shit off on top but like compared to a a car who's under the hood, lifting up the hood, trying to fucking peek around and it was just so goddamn intimidating. This shit, it's like, it's like sitting right there in front of you.
I know it's like not as simple as that, but in my simple head, it is. Anyway, I'm getting ready to get the fuck out of here.
Going to go back east, do this play, and I'm going to try to figure out how I can do stand-up during the time when I'm doing it. Going around doing spots.
And I'm excited to, after I do the play, is to do a little tour. You know? Like that one I did right before the holidays where I went through the Central Valley.
and I went to all of these places that I had never been to before. So I'm kind of into doing that on this tour.
I want to go to a lot of places I either have never been to or haven't been to in a while. So it should be fun, but it's kind of crazy.
The only date I have on the books right now is Abu Dhabi in July, which will be right after the play. So I got to make sure the act doesn't get too dusty, but this is all good problems to have.
I want to thank everybody that has already bought tickets to go see Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. I want to thank everybody that has bought tickets to the Wiltern on the 27th.
I get to work with the great Shane Gillis. I've never co-headlined with him before, so it's exciting.
We're doing our part to try to help whoever we can with the money raised from this and how quickly it's sold out. It's a testament to all the great people out here in LA.
So from the bottom of my heart, I really appreciate you guys coming down to the Wiltern and Shane always brings it and I plan on bringing it too. And it's going to be a positive thing as we try to figure out how the hell to get out of this.
All right. All right.
Well, that's it. Enjoy the sports this weekend.
Enjoy the people in your life. All right.
Don't let them divide you. Just fucking, you know, listen to people's theories.
You don't have to argue with them. You know, we should just bring back hugging.
Somebody says something you don't understand, just be like, oh, just give him a big hug. It would just diffuse everything.
It's so fucking silly. Or you do it to the wrong person, you get stabbed in the abdomen.
But that's where the excitement comes. All right, that's it.
Go fuck yourselves. We have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
I'm sending out love to all you guys. Look at me, being all fucking mushroomy, post mushroom trip guy.
All right, I'll see you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast podcast for january 23rd 2017 what's going on how are you oh man what a weekend holy toledo holy dayton holy sydney holy cincinnati holy cleveland what a fucking weekend i had good lord first of all i sat there there with an Afghan and some Kleenex and watched the entire Women's March.
And I have to say, I was so moved. And I'll be honest with you, I haven't watched a second of it.
The only reason why I'm bringing it up is because like 50,000 people on Twitter are like, dude, I can't wait to hear your take on the Women's March. I didn't fucking watch it.
I cannot i can't i i did i ever tell you guys how much i believe in protesting but how much i cannot watch it i'm always let down i'm always disappointed it's always just a bunch of bad chance like i watched the madonna speech thing I did do that. Just because I, you know,

I relate to Madonna.

Like... chance like i watched the madonna speech thing i did do that just because i uh you know i relate to madonna like her i also stayed at the party too long you know i became the old creepy person still at the club i did it i've done it i totally get it.

She's fucking brilliant, man.

She goes there, right?

She knows she has all these eyeballs on her.

She's done this her entire career.

This is how you stay relevant.

Long after people give a fuck.

This is how you stay in this.

She just doesn't give a speech.

How easy would it have been to give the speech without dropping the F word? Right? But if you do that, you're not going to get any free press. So she throws a couple of F-bombs in there.
God knows I know how that works. I've made a lot of money off that word.
Good for you, Madge. Right? But that's not going to be enough because she's thinking probably in her head you know i already kind of did the drop in the f-bomb thing on the letterman interview like 20 years ago critics will be like oh more of the same from madonna blah blah blah i need to take this to a new level what does she do threatens to blow up the white house you know i thought about blowing up.
Did you? Did you really think that? You thought about doing that, Madonna. How did you think? Exactly how were you going to execute this plan? Were you going to put on a Wile E.
Coyote suit and fucking climb the fence? Do your little thing of dynamite going around, you know, when you're backing up with the fucking wire. Madonna.
Oh, I thought of, did you? You didn't think about that. You just know if you say some shit like that, it becomes an issue of national security no matter who the fuck says it.
So there you go. Now you get Fox News going like, should we consider this a terrorist threat.
Right? Classic.

And then what does she do?

What is the cherry on top?

She sings one of her hit songs in front of all those women.

How much fucking money do you think she made?

Are you with me?

Ha!

I said are you with me?

Ha!

Do you believe in love? This was off my fourth album. I believe I first debuted it on the Blonde Ambition Tour.
It goes a little something like this. Give me a dollar, baby.
You can download this on iTunes. You know, you know.
Give me a fucking break. Fucking, everybody up there with their fucking, I don't know.
I couldn't watch it. Like, I had to watch the Madonna thing because when I heard she did that, I was like, this woman, she's fucking brilliant.
That woman is, she is showbiz 24-7. That's why she's still around she did that she she should have got booed when she started singing that song people should have been like is this bitch fucking trying to get 99 cents off of me i don't know but that's the only thing i watched it was like.
Well, actually I watched her speech and then I was like,

well, I got to hear the song she sings.

And it was fucking perfect, man.

You know, I love that she sang the Lady Gaga song.

Anyways.

And of course, underneath all of those,

there was like, you know,

some 17 minute speech from Michael Moore.

That shameless bastard out there trolling for pussy. You know, playing the I understand card.
I really hate how he dresses like John Goodman when he was on Roseanne. You know, he's always walking around with his big dumb fucking I just got done working on assembling cars that fucking Hattie wears.
There's no fucking way. I can't sit through that fucking shit.
I can't sit through any of it in this stupid chants, and we're going to do this, and we're going to do that. You just want to be like, you're not.
You're not. You're all going to go home.
You're all going to get 50,000 different fucking cars, and that's going to be the end of it. You're all going to get to say that you were there and you put your fucking fist in the air.
I know this is cynical as shit, but I mean, Trump did the same thing. Did he not? His acceptance speech, something else I barely saw any of.
I just watched the clips. When it comes to all of this type of shit, I just watched the highlights.
Like if you never watched sports and all you did was just watch SportsCenter. You know what I mean? But you never watched the game.
That's basically how I watched this shit. Trump did the exact same thing.
He's sitting up there going, these corrupt politicians, they're not there for you. They're there for themselves.
Well, guess what? It stops now. How, Donald? How does it stop now? He sounded like a fucking, some loud drunk in a bar.
Dude, you know what I would do if I was running stuff? I'd kick them all out. Anybody takes a dime, they're fucking out of here i mean it sounded like he did he just rent the

untouchables it was like kevin costner's fucking speech in that movie like what you're the president

this is what i'm worried about that guy i'm worried about that guy because he thinks being

president is like he just bought an old casino and he's gonna go in and get all the people that

were fucking you know loafing around he's gonna fire them and then replace them with it's like

Thank you. is like he just bought an old casino and he's going to go in and get all the people that were fucking loafing around.
He's going to fire them and then replace them. It's like you can't get rid of these.
How are you going to get rid of these people? How are you going to prove that they're doing what you're saying? You would have to expose them. All of them.
Both the blue ties and the red ties,

the red bras and the blue bras, right?

They're all going to collectively get together and be like, this guy is going to make us all look like fucking scumbags.

We're just not going to work with it.

I mean, it was just a bunch of shit.

You're not going to do that.

That's not how that town works.

You're not the boss.

You can't go, you're fired.

You have to run shit by people. And then they're going to be cunts.
Democrats are already going to be a cunt to you because you wear a red tie. And they're going to do the exact same shit the Republicans did to Obama.
They're not going to work because you have a different color tie. You're going to come in and you're going to give some tough speech.
He should have been standing there holding a piece of a two by four. You know, I don't know.
It was very... You know when you're watching a movie and you're enjoying a movie and then all of a sudden they just remind you that, oh, this is just a fucking movie.
Because you go, you know, that would never happen. That's what that speech looked like to me.
But I didn see it i didn't see that either i just watched the highlights so you're probably saying well bill why didn't you see anything this weekend you know why because i had something a little more important in my life that happened okay i had to watch the new england patriots win the AFC championship game.

There was a battle this weekend, people.

And I don't mean women and people without voices standing in the rain wearing berets

or a prisoner jumpsuit, whatever the fuck somebody was wearing on that thing.

You know what's funny about Madonna's speech is the amount of people milling around in the background, not even listening. Smiling, you listen for a couple seconds, you throw your hand in the air, and then you just go fucking schmooze with somebody else.
It was a big fucking Hollywood party. And I can say that because I watched three minutes of it.
There was another battle going on here, people. And this isn't, by the way, this isn't like an anti-Trump thing.
This isn't an anti-woman thing. It's just one of those things of like, what the fuck is everybody getting so excited about? Are you ready? I said, are you ready? And they're all going, yes.
And it's like, for what? What are we doing? Where are we going? What's going to happen? We're going to walk up there. We're going to chant some shit.
Okay. You think if they walked up, let's say they walked up to the White House because I don't know where they went.
Let's say they all start chanting. Okay.
Donald Trump is in there. Okay.
First of all, me as a civilian, okay, I can go to a Best Buy and I can get a pair of those Bose noise canceleling headphones and I can press a button and I can't even hear a fucking jet engine that I'm on or the guy talking too loud on his cell phone. I can just press that fucking thing and it's over, okay? And I'm just a citizen.
Can you imagine the pair of Bose fucking headphones that you get handed when you become president so you don't have to hear the pair of Bose fucking headphones that you get handed when you become president. So you don't have to hear the chanting of the disenfranchised, right? I bet you can't even see them.
You know, they fit right underneath this toupee, not the toupee part, the part that's still real, the Ben Franklin part of his fucking hairdo, right? Probably just sticks them in his ear. You know, are the ladies there? You probably his fucking hairdo right probably just sticks him in his ear you know are the ladies there you probably just sat there right just with his binoculars on you know rubbing himself as he's looking out the window i'm sorry all right oh god when did i become such a cynic you know what i don't know i i like to

think it's life experience but what are you gonna do when are we gonna do it what do we want what's gonna happen nothing because we all have to leave we all gotta go to work tomorrow we have to go to, baby. You know what's funny about Madonna showing up to this one? It's like, don't you live in England? Why the fuck didn't you go to that rally? I wanted to blow up the fucking White House.
Oh, yeah? Can I see your passport, please? Did you go through customs first there? Oh, Jesus. Just staying at the party, staying at the club too fucking long um what i'm doing is i'm challenging the images of what is a set no you're not no you're not you're not you're not challenging anything i you know if she was a guy she'd be that guy at the christmas party who had it to you know those guys who put the tie around their head and it becomes like you know this is their big rebellion like that's what she'd be that guy at the Christmas party who had those guys who put the tie around their head and it becomes like this is their big rebellion.
She'd be that person with the fucking man tits saying wildly inappropriate things to some fucking intern. Just walks into work on Monday, just has to not look at anybody just close the door to his office

and be like oh god how long how long do i have to just feel the shame of of my behavior last saturday night um anyways there was another battle going on it was the battle between the city of boston and the city of pittsburgh i don't know with all the screaming and yelling this fucking weekend, I don't know if anybody noticed that yesterday, in the sporting world, the world that you can actually trust, well, they do give a lot of speeches, a lot of locker room speeches, and everybody actually is on the same team, and then they all go out together and they try to achieve a goal.

The Boston Bruins and the Pittsburgh Penguins played each other on the same day that the New England Patriots and the Pittsburgh Steelers played.

Now, I know if you're not from this country or if you're just a cunt,

you can be like, well, I mean, it's really the Boston is the Bruins,

not the Patriots.

Do you guys know why the Patriots are called the New England Patriots? This is really actually a sad tale about this team we were the boston patriots initially and what ended up happening was because you know they were in the afl and it was an upstart league and uh all the talent a lot of talent was in the nfl nobody really gave a fuck. So in an effort to try to get more fans, they switched from Boston.

They thought if they said New England, they could get enough people trickling down from Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, up from Connecticut and Rhode Island.

To maybe fill up a little bit of Fenway fucking puck or whatever they played.

Nickerson Field. All these places where they played.
That's the reason why. So anyways, so the first game, the Bruins come out, right? And they play Pittsburgh.
And for half the game, we were doing all right. You know? After half the game, it was fucking two to one.
And then I don't know what happened.

I don't know.

I don't know what happened.

I didn't see the game.

I was, uh, I was, you know, doing some other shit,

but I was watching it on my phone.

It was like two to one.

I'm like, all right, they're hanging in there.

They're hanging in there.

And then I fucking, I don't know.

I felt like I walked around for 20 minutes.

I look back at my phone.

It was like five to one.

We got fucking smoked.

So, you know, people giving me shit on Twitter going,

ah, that's one.

see you next time. minutes i look back at my phone it was like five to one we got fucking smoked so you know people giving me shit on twitter going ah that's one same thing's gonna happen to your patriots and i gotta be honest with you i had no feeling one way or the other about that game yesterday as far as like uh you know what do you think's gonna happen i had no fucking idea nothing was gonna surprise me um if the Steel steelers came in and beat us it wasn't going to surprise me um after the way you know we just looked bad against the texans and i was not you know didn't have too much confidence in our offensive line and i know pittsburgh always has like a great defensive line and that type of shit so i didn't know what the fuck was going to happen so i was very surprised at um you know how well everything worked yesterday and uh it was just fucking amazing and i was sitting there watching the game on this hospital tv you know and the tv was so fucked up it was because uh you know that's fucking hospital.
Like it has like, you know like those waves they used to do when someone was going into like a fucking, like a dream sequence? That's what it was like. So I couldn't even tell what quarter it was or how much time was left.
And thank God they kept saying what the fucking score was because I could barely see it. And that's all I did.
I was in the hospital, and I was just fucking watching football games on this fucking TV that just had like these lines. They weren't doing like the wavy thing.
They were just sort of, you know, just going from left to right. And they just kept fucking going.
I couldn't see what was going on. So, but fortunately, I was sitting there and I watched the game with my brand new baby daughter laying on my chest for the whole game.
It was one of the fucking greatest, arguably the greatest moment of my life. Did I mention that? Did I forget to bring that up? That old fucking Billy the Kidless is finally your father? Yeah.
My wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She's perfect.
She's absolutely gorgeous. And I'll spare you all the cliches, you know, that everybody says.
Because one thing I really did learn throughout this whole process, which is really as the guy, you're observing this amazing thing, is that, you know, just don't tell too many fucking people. That's all I can tell you.
You know, I know I said it on the fucking podcast, but I don't run into you guys. I mean, in your life, don't tell too many people you're having a fucking kid because I swear to God, the amount of misinformation, or even if it's good information, like a lot of people don't't know how to fucking convey information in a compelling way.
So you're just sitting there, just smiling, thinking, when is this going to be over? And yeah, people will fucking, it's so nuts. Whatever they went through, they tell you that that's what you're going to go through.
So you end up going in there and you have everybody else's experience in your fucking head swimming around when the reality is this is not their experience. It's your experience.
And however you react, whatever you do, whatever you think and all that is fine. It's your fucking experience.
Because I was sitting there almost having like an outer body experience thinking like, why am I feeling this? i feeling this instead of that i thought i was gonna feel this and blah blah blah i was literally in my head for like fucking i

don't know like 15 minutes um so anyways um that was my fuck that was my weekend i became a father

and i got to see the patriots go to their unprecedented ninth super bowl um so my wife and my beautiful daughter come home today i have to do the jimmy kimmel show because i'm i'm promoting my next stand-up special that comes out on netflix on january 31st taped at the ryman theater in Nashville, Tennessee, which is home of the original Grand Ole Opry and legendary place. I got to play it a number of years ago when I did Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Tour Festival thing they have out there in Nashville.
And of course, like every performer who goes there, you just fall in love with the

place. It's just a magical place.
So I got to do my special there and, um, you know, very proud of this one. And if you guys can get the word out and just let people know that, um, that, uh, that I got a special coming out.
It's on January 31st. Um, I don't know how the ratings work on Netflix.
I don't know, but basically people got to watch it.

If you watch it, then it comes up on the thing where people can actually see it in the sea of like 20 million shows that they have on that worldwide network. So please tweet about it, Facebook about it, social media about it, and all that type of stuff.
And I hope you guys enjoy it. I'm really proud of this special.
I love the way it came out and all that stuff, so that's what I got going on, and my wife and daughter come home tonight. So that's it.
This is the last time my house is going to be quiet, but I've been having a great time so far. I got my fucking diaper changing thing down.
My swaddle game is at,

like, I'd say, you know, it's about at 80%. That's like the biggest fucking thing.
I suck at burping. I'm not good at that.
You know what I mean? Because, I mean, it's only so hard you can go on a baby's back before you think, like, am I, am I, like, beating a baby right now? I don't want to do this. so

anyway think like am i am i like beating a baby right now i don't want to do this so um anyways anyways oh i forgot this too i gotta say my apologies once again two weeks in a row to the atlanta falcons I'm sorry, so sorry, I doubted many eyes Jesus Christ, the Atlanta Falcons look like fucking world beaters I have been converted In two short weeks, I went from Isn't this the fucking team that had to pump in crowd noise Because it was so quiet at their fucking stadium Didn't they have't have to do that a couple years ago didn't they get caught doing that and everybody laughed because it wasn't the new england patriots cheating so that it wasn't a big federal offense didn't that happen isn't that the franchise we're talking about here where they got some little slap on the fucking wrist where the patriots would have got 12 zillion dollars in fucking fines and lost like a bunch of first round draft picks it's okay it's okay we got we got a little upset for a second because we saw a little red in the uniform oh that's not the Patriots so then it's just sort of funny isn't that this franchise now look at the place the place is packed the place is packed everybody's loud and i gotta tell you something right now 80 of the people in that fucking stadium should have been hanging them hanging their fucking heads in shame because where were you where were you when they were bad huh you know where you were you goddamn georgia fans you can't even show up to the braves when they make the fucking playoffs you can't even sell out your fucking stadium I don't I don't get Atlanta when it comes to that type of shit I don't get it like they just they're not a pro city fucking town they've lost two hockey teams you know what I mean twice divorced they Flames. Right? Wasn't enough to have Bobby Orr and all these great guys from the 70s coming to their town.
They didn't give a shit. They were down the street, right? Between them hedges.
Hey, we watching some fucking college football. That's what the fuck they were doing.
And what did the NHL say? All right, well, what were we thinking? Let's get the fuck out of here. And they went to Calgary and became the Calgary Flames.
Right? And then for whatever reason, because they're the NHL, you know, because they're stubborn, god damn it, we're going to put another team in there 20 fucking years later. Here you go.
The Atlanta Thrashers, which I've never done, I don't even know what the fuck that is. Thrashers.
When I hear about thrashing, I just picture somebody shaking their kid. You know what I mean? And you're sitting there in the car next to him in the parking lot going, at what point do I intervene? That should have been their logo, right? Some adult shaking a toddler.
I know that's a bad image, but it's a tough game. It's a tough fucking game.
And what happened? You didn't show up to those either, so they fucking moved them to Winnipeg. I'm just fucking with you guys.
And now all of a sudden, now they're great, and everybody shows up, you know, everybody's fucking pointing to the hat, everybody's, you know, fucking doing that millennial thing when your

team's doing well and you start fucking vigorously nodding and turning around at the rest of

the crowd.

Oh, that one drives me up the fucking wall, the nodding thing.

I think that's sign language for all day.

Anyways, but Jesus Christ, that fucking team, if there's any justice in the world, they're going to go in as Super Bowl favorites but they're not and what's great is they're they're going to be able to use that as you know whatever whatever they say to get them hyped they don't believe in us and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

It's not going to be disrespect to the Falcons. What it is, is when the Super Bowl comes around is when a bunch of people who don't watch sports show up and they're going to show up and be like, who's playing in the game? Oh, Tom Brady, the Patriots.
I know who this team is. The Falcons.
Are they from Tennessee? like people who don't know sports will know the Patriots and they'll just throw a hundred bucks

in the game and they'll put it on the Patriots. Cause that's the fucking team.
They know, which affects the line. Cause Vegas tries to get money on both sides of the ball.
So that's what's going to end. That's what's going to end up happening.
That's why back with that year when the Patriots lost to the giants, which one the first time when we were undefeated, that's why we were 17 fucking point favorites not because we were 17 point favorites it's because every mouth-breathing dumb cunt that went to vegas put money on the undefeated team and they were trying to get money on the uh um the other side of the ball and if you don't fucking believe me a month earlier we paid we played the giants we won on like the last drive last second, and we let up like 33 fucking points and won by like three or four. How a month later, you become a 17-point favorite to a team a month earlier you played and only won by four points.
If you can figure out the fucking math on that one, it's beyond me. So I'm predicting that the Patriots are going to go in.
They're going to be considered the favorites. And, uh, but they're not, I think the Falcons are the favorites.
And I think this is their year. I think they're a team of destiny.
Okay. Now people who are into superstition know exactly what I'm doing.
Cause you're thinking, Hey Bill, you're a Patriots fan. How the the fuck would you, how the hell could you ever say that? I got a system here, people.
When the Falcons played Seattle, I said Seattle was going to win. And who won? Those dirty birds of Georgia.
Dirty, filthy, inbred fucking birds in Atlanta. Right? Down low birds of Atlanta, of Georgia, right? Then last week, they go to play Aaron fucking Rogers in the Green Bay Packers.
And what did I say? Ah, you know, I had a little more respect. I'm going to go with the Green Bay Packers.
And what are those dirty, stinking, filthy fucking birds do. They went in there, and Green Bay got their asses

quiet! stinking, filthy fucking birds do. They went in there, and Green Bay got their asses hoidett by those glorified pigeons.
Right? By those fucking seagulls. By those filthy dirty birds.
That's how much fucking goes on in Atlanta. You know what I mean? Even their logo has a fucking STD, right? Sorry, that was a bad joke.
Anyways, so I've picked against them two times, and both times the Falcons win. So now they're playing my team in the Super Bowl.
So here's my philosophy. Now I'm going to pick Atlanta, and I'm going to say that they're going to win.
I got to be honest with you. If Atlanta's getting points, you're out of your mind not to fucking take it i think personally their fucking defense is unbelievable that fucking julio jones is like i don't know like he doesn't even look like uh he looks like he's he's he looks like a full-grown adult playing with like high school kids that fucking pass he caught and he just started shredding tacklers then that last guy gave him like two or three stiff arms like a jab.
Get the fuck out of my face. Go fuck yourself right there for a touchdown.
That guy's a major fucking problem. Their running back is a major fucking problem.
Obviously, Matty Ice looking like the MVP of the fucking league. They got the three-headed monster thing going on offense and their defense.

I don't know anybody's fucking name.

All I know is they're flying around the field

fucking up every team that I think is going to beat them.

So if they're going to get points,

that's a pretty good bet if you ask me.

So we'll see.

We'll see what happens.

You know what Belichick's going to do.

He's going to double fucking Julio Jones

and he's going to try to fucking do this and all that shit i have no fucking idea what's gonna happen i have no idea um i've been busy and i'm so happy that my wife is no longer pregnant you know other dads out there know what it's like in that final fucking the final fucking month is just so brutal where it's just like they are so uncomfortable and there's literally nothing you can do. One of the most helpless feelings I've ever had.
And I'm just so happy that now she's on the other side of that. And I was as thrilled for her as I was for myself becoming a dad, just that she, that was over.

So,

Jesus Christ,

I already knew my wife was tough,

considering the amount of,

like,

I lose most fucking arguments to her,

because she just,

but watching her go through what the fuck she went through,

Jesus Christ,

whole level,

new level of,

of respect,

for her toughness,

you know what I mean?

Like,

my wife,

what she went through,

could literally watch, like a UFC event, and be like, yeah, these guys are pussies.

So anyways, I got to read some fucking advertising here,

don't I?

I'm sitting here running my yap.

All right, all right.

Where are we going here?

Where are we going? Type are we going typing my password sorry there we go all right let's get to the oh here we go jesus christ oh you know what i forgot to bring up by the way remind me i'm going to talk to you about this move that aaron rogers does as a qb i didn't see him do it all day yesterday i I got to talk about it because I might forget. He's got this fucking move.
It's brilliant, right? When they do like a seven-step drop, right? People rushing in from either side, and the tackles are blocking them, and you see that they're going to get around them on the outside. And Aaron Rodgers has just gone far back enough where that's the line to sack him so the move all quarterbacks do in that moment is they then step back up into the pocket so those guys you know basically they go around the outside or have to try to go to the inside and then they're back in front of the tackle.
Okay, but sometimes they still break through. What he does is he starts to step up, and he gets between the tackles.
So then those guys who are rushing to the outside then try to make a move to go to the inside, and then he immediately, the second they both commit to go back inside, he pops back to the fucking outside. And he actually, with that movement, has his tackles lined up with their men.
It's fucking amazing. He does it all the fucking time.
And, you know, just watching Tom Brady. Jesus Christ.
Did you see that first sack the Steeler had? Where, like, I swear to God, it was like Tom, the batteries, if he was like a robot, they shorted out for half a second. He just didn't see the guy, and then he kind of did like, his whole body kind of freaked out, then he spun around and laid down.
He looked like a deer in headlights on that one. He's just not the most mobile fucking guy in the world, but everybody knows that.
So, I don't, that move is the shit. And here's something I don't understand that no wide receiver ever does.
You know when they do like a fucking reverse, double reverse or whatever. And you know when the defense is stringing it out and it's not going to work.
You can see it's not going to work. You know, and it's just dying a slow death.
I don't mean when, you know, it doesn't work and the receiver gets to right there, Fred. Obviously tuck the ball away.
But how come when it's dying a slow death, why do they start doing this OJ fucking dancing around shit? Why don't they just throw the ball away for an incomplete rather than taking the fucking five to seven yard loss? Has anybody ever seen anybody do that? That's my football question for this week. Has anybody seen a wide receiver on a reverse and it wasn't fucking working out of fucking nowhere.
Wait, has anybody seen a wide receiver? Just basically do that play is all I'm asking. For the love of God, can somebody fucking tell me that they've seen that? I don't understand why they don't do that.
Why the fuck would you do that? Then you don't get hit. You don't lose a bunch of yards.
Bill, we get it. All right, all right.
Let me read the advertising here for this week. All right.
Oh, shit, everybody. Hey, did I tell you guys I tried to make some beef brujols the other day? That's not a fucking easy thing to do.
I don't know. Did I tell you? I can't remember if I told you that on Thursday.
I think I did. I did.
I finally figured it out. My recipe, you got to slow cook it for 90 minutes, not 60 minutes, or I have to learn how to tenderize meat a little bit better.
I need to learn how to beat the meat a little. You get it? A little jerk up joke there.
Sorry. All right.
Let's, um, did I talk about everything I wanted to talk about in the podcast? I believe I did. I believe I did.

You know what's fucking hilarious?

My wife keeps telling me to go to the firehouse to make sure, the fire station,

to make sure that the kid's seat is put in correctly, which I think it is.

I mean, I fucking think a bunch of, you know, I try to rip it out.

I couldn't rip it out.

You know what I mean? And I think my fucking arms are just as strong as a two-car accident, right?

So I've gone over to the firehouse twice. The one in my neighborhood, I've been over there two fucking times.
Every time I've ever gone by that fucking firehouse, the trucks are there. Somebody else is fucking washing it.
Every time I go by the house, the fucking firehouse, nobody's there. Trucks are gone.
I'm ringing the doorbell, and there's nobody there. And I'm sitting there thinking, well, maybe at least the guy who makes the fucking chili, he doesn't hang back.
The second time I went there, the fucking TV was on. So, I don't know.
I've been driving around in my wife's car, which I didn't like at first. You know, all these fucking cars, they're shaped like dinner rolls.
They all look the exact fucking same. But now I actually kind of like it.
You know, it took me a minute. You know, it's a fucking broads car.
What are you going to do? Anyways, let me read some of the questions for this week. Did I fucking copy and paste them? Did I at least do that for the love of Christ? No, I didn't.
Of course not. Why would you do that, Bill? If you did something like that, then that would mean that you were actually fucking paying attention.
All right, let's just read them from here. Okay, weight loss slash fat shaming.
Hey there, Billy Bassinet. I actually know what a bassinet is now.
Congrats on pregnancy. And you and the lovely Neal will make pretty good parents.
That's hilarious.

I'm emailing you because I wanted to thank you and Joe Rogan for all of your shit.

It enabled me to lose 120 pounds.

That's a whole person.

I started back in November of 2015.

Dude, that's amazing.

And I've kept it off and continued to get to my goal of 220 pounds. I was 357 when I started.

He goes, that's a fucking plane.

I think it's a gun, isn't it?

357 Magnum.

Anyway, thanks for the shame and motivation, you freckled cunt.

Good luck and best wishes to you and your growing family in 2017 and the coming years oh and by the way go fuck yourself uh in the best way possible think stranger i don't know what that means um anyways oh dude that's great i could use some advice because i've been um during the last few weeks i should really say like the last two months of uh nia's ordeal is what i'm going to call it because it was not a like the pregnancy is a fucking ordeal you're sick the first fucking third and then there's this you know eye of the storm the second trimester and then it's just like it's fucking horrible you know if you don't have any sympathy for your wife during a pregnancy you're not in love with her you fucking married the wrong person i could tell you that so anyways um anyways yeah i've been i put on some i put on a little bit of weight nothing nothing too crazy i kept hitting the fucking elliptical but i just kept making comfort food um and then what would happen was you know she eat a little bit of it sort of like it and then all of a sudden would just be totally for whatever reason, hormonally would be totally turned off by it like the next fucking day. And I made enough for two people and I'm not going to throw it out.
You know what I mean? So I got to fucking I got to finish it. You know, I ate almost a whole shepherd's pie myself.
If this beef brujol, she goes too heavy. She couldn't deal with it.
So you're supposed to have red meat a couple times a month. I've had it four times this week.
So, but you know what? I finished the day with a salad. I never make myself salads either.
I just never know what the fuck to put in them. You know what I mean? And I finally just, I just started grocery store this is what I've been doing lately it's been working for me as I go there and I get that pre-washed fucking lettuce that they have in there you know basically what happened a few people had to die by unwashed fucking lettuce now they wash it up for us so you get that shit I get three different colored peppers green, and the orange right i cut those fucking things up cut up some cucumbers throw all of that in a bowl then i got some tomatoes on the vine in a bowl outside the fridge and a little parmesan cheese and then i just have everything all chopped up and ready to go pre-shredded fucking parmesan and all that so then at night when i get hungry before i do something stupid i just make a quick fucking salad a little bit of the paul newman's fucking uh balsamic vinaigrette on it i make a face like i don't want to fucking eat this and then a couple bites in you're into it it's over you get it going it's like trying to fucking write a term paper back in the day you kept putting it off putting it off then when you sat down, you just fucking did it.
Same thing with eating a salad. I try to do that if I'm

going to eat past seven o'clock. I try to have that, and then I have a scotch.
It's the Ron Burgundy diet or whatever. All right, work meeting.
Dear Billy Red Tank

The cunts I work with

Have tasked me to share an inspirational quote or poem during our bi-monthly team meeting. Sorry.
Cunts I work with have asked me to share an inspirational quote or poem during our bi-monthly team meeting. Oh my God.
Well, if there's ever a sign you got to quit this fucking job personally i'd rather tell them to go fuck themselves but since this would be frowned upon i find myself in need of your expertise do you have any inspirational quotes that you can share with me so that i can keep pretending that i'm not dead inside uh dude you're dead inside. What you are is you're an intelligent human being who knows that this is silly and you're sick of being treated like a fucking child.
This is like some shit that like when I was still in school, you know, and I had to sit there with my hands folded on my desk. Dude, I swear to God, the corporate world is so fucking cold and so out of touch with how human beings even fucking work.
Or they totally understand it and this is how they just break your spirit. You know what it is? You guys have these mind-numbingly boring fucking jobs.

Right?

They probably don't pay you enough money for you to be fucking excited by it.

So now what they're going to try to do is have you, you know, go out.

And they won't even do it for you.

They won't even come up with like a fucking, you know, their own like little, you know, like the Raiders.

Just win, baby.

You know what I mean?

The Cubs, let's play two.

They can't even come up with their own.

This is their fucking job.

Well, look, you know what you have to do,

but what I would love you to do is write your own fucking poem where it all rhymes and you're just trashing this thing.

Whatever the fuck this exercise is.

What rhymes with cunts?

Let's see. One of the most exciting plays in baseball is when a speedy hitter lays down a bunt.
I am dead inside. I don't like this job.
And certainly not working with you cunts. Consider this my last fucking day.
Don't worry, I don't have a gun. But I would like to say, fuck all of you.
And your mother's too.

Now I'm out of a job.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

And then you just leave.

Go out and get drunk.

I don't know. I don't know what to fucking.

All right.

Dog wins marathon.

Hey, Billy, probably a dad.

I am.

I'm a father now.

Which means I now get to fucking act like I know things that people who don't have kids know.

Don't know.

Whatever.

You know, they do. Oh, you don't understand.
You understand you don't understand your babies looking in your eyes shut up you didn't wear a condom all right that is your fucking big that's what that's what you did all right stop acting like you walked on the moon oh do you have a baby oh my god what is there 12 billion of those fucking things it's like saying you have a hat? Oh, my God. What is it? 12 billion of those fucking things.

It's like saying you have a hat.

All right.

Dog wins marathon.

Hey, Billy, probably a dad.

Thought you like this story.

But it's my hat.

Thought you'd like this story.

A dog left its house and started running a marathon and ran alongside runners and finished the whole thing.

He finished seventh.

Congratulations. Get the fuck out of here.
Now I have to watch this video. He ran the whole fucking...
No, he didn't. Ludivine.
Ludivine ran the entire 13.1 miles without a leash or human companion. Okay, first of all, 13.1 miles is not a marathon.
Oh, half marathon. Sorry.
See how the misinformation starts? He fucking called it a marathon, and then I start blaming CNN. Dog wins marathon.
He won half a marathon. See? You already started the lie.
Dog gives CPR after running a fucking marathon uh runners in alabama may have bitten off more competition than they anticipated in a race earlier this month all right now it makes sense because i was like who what kind of a fucking dog owner would leave his front door wide open and the goddamn thing just runs out it runs fucking 13 miles away oh obviously somebody in alabama a dog finished in the top 10 in the elkmont half marathon the trackless train trek on january 16th and has been

quite the internet sensation what is a trackless train trek there used to be train tracks there

was this the underground railroad is this is how the slaves got out of there

yeah you know we let them they escaped up this way but we could we blocked it off now we just

do a marathon um white people only marathon i love it they act like like i do it too like

racist white people are only in the south that's not true true. We're everywhere.
Ludvine, a bloodhound, lives nearby. A bloodhound.
Oh, I fucking love those. That's not a bloodhound.
Oh, yes, it is. But when it runs, its face is all flying backwards, so it looks like a fucking retriever.
That's one of my favorite dogs ever. Ah, God damn it.

It's making me miss my dog.

All right, let's plow through this.

Ludvine, a bloodhound lives near.

By the way, update on Cleo is the new owner sent me a fucking picture.

And it was up on the couch, sleeping like a baby, loving life.

Probably doesn't even remember us because it's a dog and it lives in the fucking present.

And so that was good to see.

But when I saw it, I was like, oh, fuck.

Anyway, she competed without a human or leash.

Her owner doesn't even run.

That's what makes this story.

You know what?

I don't like this story.

I don't like this.

I don't like this.

This is one of these just like, let's just go all together.

There's a nice heartwarming story for everyone um all right best man um hey billy bitch tits that's one of the most popular ones you guys always call me that billy bitch tits is it the alliteration i do push-ups i don't have bitch tits yet um i recently proposed to my girlfriend congratulations and we're getting married in December. Congratulations.
And when my lady asked me who I wanted as my best man, I realized I wasn't close enough to anyone to ask them. I have friends and coworkers and family, but I'm not really close with them.
Not enough to choose one best man anyway. So with that, is this a fucking pitch for a Hollywood moviewood movie didn't kevin hart have to didn't is this a kevin hart movie so with that being said what are the chances of you showing up and being my best man if not can you get me in touch with joe rogan thank you where's your uh where's your wedding gonna be at if i got a gig if i got a gig nearby i'll fucking do it i'll come down whatever you need let me tell you something about life something that a lot of people don't know about larry okay this guy fucking this guy listens to the monday morning podcast start doing the madonna thing i'll just start hyping my fucking podcast that's what i'll do i'm gonna do the madonna thing i'm gonna wear a beret i was like you know when i came here i thought about blowing up this fucking reception area um because i didn't like the cake Why is the groom on the left?

And not the people read from left to right.

Why is it the lady first?

Anyway, I don't want to fucking.

What I do, I don't know.

Maybe I'd do that.

I have no fucking idea.

No, I'm not going to do it.

Because then I have to go through the whole fucking ceremony.

I got to present the ring and do all of that shit. I don want to fucking do that i barely wanted to be at my wedding even though i had a great time that's what i learned about myself too i swear to god what i fucking learned about myself is the level of social anxiety that i have that um the amount of big moments in my life that if i could just fast forward through them and get on the other side of them, I would gladly do it to not, I mean, after I have the experience, I always think like, well, what the fuck was I so, you know, anxious about? And, um, I actually, you know, I, like my wedding was one of the best nights of my life, but like, you know, my wife went into labor and shit you know i'm driving her

over there and everything and uh you know there was that part of me was just going like just thinking like i hope this is over as quickly as possible and it was wasn't there was like a selfish thought it had nothing to do with like i don't want my wife going through anymore this pain which i definitely that might have been the most emotional i got listen to her screaming in fucking pain was that was fucking brutal. Um, anyways, uh,

you that might have been the most emotional I got. Listen to her screaming in fucking pain was, that was fucking brutal.
Anyways. But like, yeah, I had this feeling like if I could just like hit fast forward and just be on the other side of this thing, I would do it in a second.
And I've thought about that. Like my entire fucking life I've had, I've had, I never really realized I have this social anxiety with all of this shit.

Like I just want to,

I just get fucking through it.

Get on the other side.

I'm on the other side.

I made it through.

Nothing humiliating happened.

Now I can fucking relax.

I felt like that for like the first,

um,

probably nine years of every standup show that I did.

Like the level of relief that I had after, like once I got on stage, I would be fine. And then you just do when you're acting.
And then even if you're bombing or whatever, it's like the clock has started. And with every second, it's closer.
The event is closer to being over. You know what I it's it's the waiting and not knowing that's that's what is always always fucking giving me anxiety like um the amount of

stand-up shows that i've done and um impossible situations that you go through as a comedian

when you're coming up for me it was never it was already over by the time i got on stage

because now you just go out there now you just deal with stuff and you know you tell people go

Thank you. and when you're coming up.
For me, it was never, it was already over by the time I got on stage. Because now you just go out there and now you just deal with stuff and you tell people to go fuck themselves or you plow through until they get you and you look stupid and you feel like an asshole.
But then you say goodnight and then it's over. And then you can just fucking relax.
But when you're standing there, for me, for me, when you're standing there at the side of the fucking stage waiting or metaphorically, you know, go in there. I mean, I don't know.
I can't believe this was one of the craziest fucking weekends of my life. You know what I mean? From the Women's March to Donald Trump getting sworn in to the Patriots going to another fucking Super Bowl and becoming a dad.
It was a hell of a four days, I can tell you that. And I don't know.
And I'm very thankful, to be honest with you, all jokes aside, that I finally got to have that experience of becoming a dad because it was getting to the point of like, I don't know if I'm going to get this experience. And it it's weird i feel like i lived my youth straight to my golden years and now i'm the middle part i'm just doing it i was joking i think i may even said this on podcast i'm like living my life like a tarantino movie where it's like completely out of sync you know john travolta is walking by in the background you know the diner scene in pulp fiction my ruining is do i still have to say spoiler alert even though that fucking movie came out like 22 years ago 23 years ago um anyways that is the uh the podcast for this week uh tune in to jimmy kimmel tonight and uh i don't know what i'm gonna do i don't know what i'm gonna fucking talk about all i know is i got the uh the pre-interview coming up what were some of the things you'd like to touch on? Huh? Well, can I do the cunt poem from my podcast? I don't think so.
We shall see. We'll see how this one goes.
I'm very excited. I've never done the Jimmy Kimmel show and here's something.
This is how cool that fucking guy is. I met him one time at, I think I was down at Lago where I'm going to be, Bill Burr and Friends, on January 31st on La Cienega Boulevard, right down here in Hollywood.
And he came down to the show to see somebody else, and I met him, and I started talking to him about how Bill Walsh wrote this book. You know, at the height of his, you know, just being like the Bill Belichick vince lombardi guy of his era he was approached to write a book on football and he wrote like

like he basically showed the outline and he had diagram plays and it was like you had to be a

coach to understand the book and the uh the publisher or whatever the the company he was

doing the book with was basically like going dude you got to like we can't put this book out

Thank you. and the uh the publisher or whatever the the company he was doing the book with was basically like going dude you got to like we can't put this book out like you got to be like a you got to be like a football coach to even understand any of this shit how about some pictures of you with joe montana how about some family stories and blah blah blah and he was just like no you want me to write write a book about football this is it right here and he just fucking put out this thing so the book bombed as far as not making money with just regular joes like even myself the amount of football that i watch but amongst coaches evidently that book became like a bible and if you can find like a hardcover version you find them on the internet i.
They go for like three, 400 bucks or something like that. And whatever, I was telling Jimmy that story and he was laughing.
He thought, you know, it was funny or whatever. And I was joking going like, you know, I want to actually get that book.
Maybe I'll finally understand the cover to defense or whatever the fuck is. The nickel defense and that type of shit.
So sure enough, like fucking three weeks later i get this package from amazon it was from from him and he actually bought me the book and um i thumbed through it dude and i'm telling you it's like you you it's look you feel like you stole a team's playbook um so anyways uh so but i've never been able to do a show Every time I try to do his show, something would come up.

So this is my first time doing it.

So tune in tonight.

I'm hoping I'm going to go there and be able to repay him by being a little bit funny on his show.

But once again, my new stand-up special, Walk Your Way Out, comes out January 31st on Netflix.

Please tweet about it.

Please let everybody know.

And that's it.

Thank you for listening to the podcast. I'll talk to you later.
I'll talk to you. I'll check in on you on Thursday.
All right. See

it's championship week. What's up everybody.
Welcome back to the anything better podcast,

NFL edition for championship week. I'm Paul Verzi.
That's Bill Burr. We got, uh, Andrew femless over there we have of course we have jake the snake in an undisclosed uh location with

you week i'm paul verzi that's bill burr we got uh andrew themlis over there we have of course we have jake the snake in an undisclosed uh location with our injury report and we are going to tell people where he is the ladies will find him they'll knock his door down um dude the buffalo bills beat the ravens the the rams dude the Rams, I thought they were going down and going to win that game. And when Stafford threw it out of bounds, I was like, what are you going to do? Great games, though.
Both of the games were good. Yeah, and I think, you know, they made too much of a thing about the Ravens messing up.
They weren't giving the Bills defense enough credit. I mean, okay, that kid dropped the ball in the end, but like they were punching the ball out, stripping and doing all kinds of stuff.
They were forcing turnovers. So, um, you know, we'll see.
I had, uh, I thought they were all good games other than like the Casey game. I literally had to shut it off, dude.
The amount of just cross promotion that was going on.

Yeah.

So here's my theory.

So they cut to Taylor Swift and she's with some big female athlete.

Yeah, Caitlin Clark.

All right, well, here's the deal.

There's a conspiracy theory on the internet that feminism,

as far as the part of feminism where to get women in the workforce was done by the people that own the banks

because they could

only tax half the population. So they kind of start, hey, you should get out there and work,

right? So my conspiracy theory is big pharmaceuticals upset because only half the

population gets CTE. So now they want to start promoting female sports.
I mean, dude, the level

of like how far in the background I felt the game was. And listen, you'd watch your Lakers game.
They would cut to Diane Cannon or Jack Nicholson. But like the level that they have to do it.
So Swifties keep watching. I just felt I was just like, you know, the Chiefs are trying to three peak is way bigger It's way bigger than me looking at this musician and her, oh, it was a good play.
Of course she likes it. Yeah.
She's dating the tight end. I get it.
How many fucking times? Oh, and she's with Caitlin Clark and Caitlin Clark. They just fucking, and Caitlin's holding a can of Pepsi.
And Pepsi, it's just like, what the fuck are we doing here?

Well, I got something for you, Bill.

Your buddy, Paulie, over here in New York, I'm putting my money where my mouth is. I think Josh Allen and the Bills overcome the Chiefs, overcome Taylor Swift and overcome the officials and beat them this week.
Listen, is that AI or players really saying, at least former players are going like, yeah, man, this is ridiculous. And like Troy Aikman going, this is ridiculous.
No, it's not AI. I gotta be honest with you, as a Patriots fan, I'm getting tired.
Oh, they're the new Patriots. We never got the red carpet like that.
And also, you're forgetting Deflategate? Dude, Brady never- Fucking hated us to the point he upheld the investigation of, the independent investigation of the owner of the losing team. And then we beat him in court because it was such bullshit.
And they found a loophole to still suspend our Patrick Mahomes for six games. When that fucking happens, dude, then you can say you're the new fucking Patriots.
That guy hated us. Hated us.
Brady never got these calls. The only guy that I saw kind of have his way with officials like this was Jordan in like that heyday, that three year.
But this is, dude, ex-players are saying it. Analysts are saying it.
Mad dog Chris Russo was going like, do it like you. He goes, I can't take it anymore.
I can't, I can't even watch him. I can't watch him.
And here's what sucks. The wrestling, the officials did a great job all year, except like, except for them, which sucks because they're like on their game.
But dude, I think Josh Allen and the bills are going to beat them. I think they're better.
I called it. It's their only storyline.
They had, and I'm not shitting on the NFL, all of these, NHL doesn't do it at all because they've always just been a wild card. But the NBA has storylines, football has storylines, baseball has storylines, and that's what, storylines is what keeps people come back, the soap opera of the thing.
And they protect that thing at all fucking costs especially if you only have one because if you take away you know taylor swift travis kelsey patrick mahomes can the chiefs repeat if you take that away it's a really weird time in the nfl right now where there's no this is always like who do you like better brady or payton you know manning who do you like better fucking uh who was it back in the Cowboys 49ers rivalry or Elway or Montana? They've always had that. I keep saying this every week, but like it's getting so fucking overt.
And then people are trying to be like dragging the Patriots into that shit is so fucking ridiculous. It's like the NFL was against us.
That's how much they fucking hated us. Hey, I got a question for you.
If Travis Kelsey was dating a dog show, but she was up there in the booth, would they show us? If she moved tickets, if she moved tickets, 100%. If it was Lizzo.
Lizzo or Rosa. No, but dude, if it was somebody that was like, you know, annoying.
Yeah. Everybody would watch just to hate if the person was annoying.
Yeah. Yeah.
Don't ever forget, Paul, if they're annoying. Yeah, it's annoying.
It is annoying, Paul, and I have to be honest with you. This is like sports on two levels was an escape for men.
It was an escape from the news, the reality of your job and the pressure of having to support your family. And it was also an escape.
You got away from the woman in your life. You hung out with the fellas.
You fucking said whatever. And you had a good fucking time.
And that shit is over. Sports are now like, you know, they just they they bring everything.
They got the military flying over, you know, this and that's money. The NFL doesn't support the troops.
They make money off of them. I'm so sick of them acting like they're aligned with the troops.
You get paid every time you show one. Did I almost just went off on my wife when you said that? So I was going to say it's the wife's fault.
I'm not going to go there. She might hear me.
But, but dude, I will say, I'm going to do something I normally don't do bill. I'm going to play devil's advocate here.
I'm going to be a contrarian, which you know, isn't me. I'm an anti-contrarian, but I'm easy.
I think he got to give, I think everybody's got to give the chiefs a little credit here, dude, because he finds the open man a lot. And like Kelsey does Paul.
No, they're good, man. They're good.
More people need to compliment Patrick Mahomes. No, I'm just saying they're good.
They are a good team. I'm not saying they're not a good team, Paul, but I got to be honest with you.
What are we doing? They're in the fucking TSA pre-check line going down the field. Yeah.
They got clear and pre-checked.

Dude, I can tell you right now,

that fucking flop he did out of bounds,

he should have got a three-game suspension for that. That was ridiculous.

What the fuck was that?

We went from Jack Lambert to that?

100% right.

100% right.

And it was ridiculous.

It was egregious.

But I think they're going. Andrew, can we get the lines for the Chiefs' bills? I got to see the line here.
Paul, they fucking decided this guy was going to be the next guy. They did.
Okay? And I'm not saying he's not one of the best, if not the best, in the league right now. But, dude, is he Peyton Manning?

The Chiefs are two-point favorites.

Two-point... I hate how that graphic came up

and my point just laid on the ground.

Paul, is he Elway?

Is he Montana?

Is he as good as those guys?

Are you seeing...

No.

Do you have some fucking Dan Marino-level arm?

No. I'm just saying, the amount of praise is just fucking insane.
It is. It absolutely is.
And, Paul, it came early. I remember making fun of it.
One of his first Thursday night games, this announcement, I hope you don't preach that. Watch, watch, watch.
And I'm going like, this kid's the next kid. They are selling this kid this fucking hard because Brady's leaving and they're done.
They don't have anybody else. But to your point about comparing Mahomes to those other quarterbacks, he's already won three Super Bowls.
He has more Super Bowls than all those guys. So it's like, it's hard to judge now.
And he could get a fourth this year. I know, but dude dude they're fucking just letting him go down the field holding players yeah that's the thing i am so sick of that like if he gets six championships does that mean he's as good as jordan michael jordan who changed the game yeah and here's the thing dude and i hate to keep bringing this up and sounding like a broken record and sounding like sour grapes.
And people are going to say, Paul, it's because you bet on the 49ers last year. Dude, Nick Bosa would have sacked Patrick Mahomes three times in a row if he literally wasn't held by both shoulder pads, three plays in a row, to the point where everybody on the sidelines was just going like, what's going on? But that being said.
Oh, wait. Oh, no.
Not that being said. Jake the Snake.
I'm going to tell you what. This is manufactured.
This is manufactured. I agree.
The way the fucking Lakers were in fucking the 2000s. Oh, my God.
Jordan's leaving. What do we have? We have no storyline.
And all of a sudden, the Lakers. Oh, my God.
Shaq's going there. Kobe's going there.
Phil Jackson's going there. None of them were Lakers.
That was the Charlotte Hornet and Orlando Magic and the coach of the fucking Bulls. And they needed a storyline.
I'm not saying he wouldn't have won championships or anything. But this dude, this shit, they're in a fucking limousine oh yeah no they are there's a comparing him to the patriots um there was a stat that brady got 38 roughing the passer calls in his career and i think mahomes also has 38 but mahomes obviously has played half the years so i mean yeah it's just right there yes and they learned with baseball what happened to baseball was all the records were like from fucking, you know, and in Sideshow, Billy had fucking 400 RBIs in 19 fucking 02, right? And it was like, it was just a game of the past and they needed to update it.
So they juiced up the ball, they made the stadium smaller, and they looked the other way when these guys got roided up. And then all of those records fucking fell.
i think everybody like was like well we don't want to be what happened to baseball be the nationals pastime and then become the sport nobody gives a fuck about right so they get in a panic when there's a changing of the guard okay like when jordan retires fuck who do we got now we need a story we. We need a fucking story.
And you need an interesting story. Okay? And it's just like, so they got all of this shit.
They tried to do the thing. You literally saw them trying to make people give a fuck about Patrick Mahomes and his relationship.
Nobody did. No.
So they dropped that. And what was the prototype for that? It was Brady and Giselle.
Yeah, or Romo and Jessica Simpson. That happened naturally.
The way the Lakers and the Celtics happened naturally in the 80s, and then the NBA is like, oh, that's our bread and butter. Two teams, a bunch of stars battling each other, and then you went into the age of the super teams.
Yeah. Jake, do we have any injuries for Commander's Eagles or Bill's Chiefs tomorrow? I mean, Sunday? Commander's Eagles, the big one is Jalen Hurts.
There was a play where Hurts rolled his knee, or someone rolled over Hurts' knee, and you can see that he wasn't the the same after that so we'll see if he recovers in time for this week but um i'm sure he'll be out there but he definitely looked hobbled uh towards the end of that game i think he only completed three passes after that um so that's the big storyline but other than that i think everyone's going to be or you know the big names at least will be out there my homes alan jane daniels um Yeah. So anyway.
All right, Bill. I'm going to give you the first game here.
What do you think? Commanders are getting six against the Eagles. What's that? I'm going to take the Eagles, and I'll tell you why.
Because as much as you're seeing another superstar quarterback with the commanders uh I didn't like how they needed to score 48 points to win the game. They still let up.
How many points did they let up? Was it high 30s, low 40s or something like that? I'm old school. I still believe you have to have a defense to win a game.
and i just think the deeper you're going to the playoffs i don't know what what was their record this year against each other it was one and one but hurts got injured in the second game or got got a concussion in the second game so when when that happened the commanders came back and won um i still think i think everybody's gonna to love the six fucking points. Jesus Christ.
All right, I'm just talking money line. I think the Eagles win this game.
Six fucking points. Yeah, dude, this is tough because you know I have this bias, the Saquon thing.
I love him. It's hard to see him do what he's doing.
But the Commanders are on a run, and I really think they're playing with house money. I could see the Eagles pulling it off at the end of the field goal, but I love the points.
I'm going to take the commanders getting six. I've been riding them all year and they've gotten me here.
So I'll take the commanders getting six and all right. I'll start off Bill's chiefs.
That's a surprisingly low-scoring game.

So it's probably good to take it.

I don't think it's going to be a shootout. I think the Eagles are a really, really solid team.

And I just don't see – I mean, I'll be honest with you.

I don't know what the fuck that game was last week.

The Commanders scored 28th in the second quarter. The fucking game's over.
No, it isn't. They had to do it twice.
Yeah. Dude, it's Madden now.
Dude, the Lions, that was, I mean, that was my Super Bowl pick. I did not expect that.
Jake's been calling the Lions frauds all year. He was probably happy that happened.
They're 10-point favorites and they lost by two, three scores. But the pick six is a huge reason why the Commanders had scored so many points.
It flipped the entire game. The Lions probably still could have came back if it wasn't for that point.
They lost by, yeah, two touchdowns. So, I mean, that's the difference of the game right there.
All four teams have not committed a turnover that are left in the playoffs. So, whoever wins a turnover battle probably wins these games.
If they turn it over, then there's a flag, and they get a fucking do-over. That's the Chiefs.
I'm curious to see. Hit me with this fucking Chiefs.
He's got four fucking rings. Fuck that shit.
I'm curious to see. They're doing this shit on purpose.
Yeah. Because they have a new king, dude.
Whether he is the guy or not the guy. And I'm not saying he's...
I'm going to be a fucking broken record here. I'm just saying, dude.
This is... It's manufactured.
It's assisted. You see, they ride their bicycles.
They're pedaling. but they also got a little motor on it, and they're just going up the fucking hill like 30 miles an hour.
They got an electric mountain bike. Yeah, they got a little fucking electric motor pushing them to the fucking field.
And I'm not the only guy fucking saying it either. Former players are saying it too.
So I don't know how long you can sit there going haters. No.
And I'm curious to see what the officials do because everybody's saying it this week. Everybody's saying it this week.
So do you know what they do? They need to have that kid from fucking rocking new year's Eve. Like he should be the guy commentating the game.
Who's the guy? Ryan Seacrest should be announcing the game. And there's Taylor Swift.
And she's sitting next to fucking, whatever, Caitlin Clark. And, oh, my God, here comes Beyonce.
And it's a top two halftime show. And Travis Kelsey's going to dance with them.
That really is true. I hope you appreciate.
That really is true. Chiefs games have become the red carpet at the Golden Globes.
It's a fucking variety show. It's not football.
No. I literally shut it off.
I feel like I'm watching a movie about football and they're cutting to the co-star for some shit. All right, well, here's my weird feeling and prediction.
I think that the game is going to be a field goal, and I think somebody's going to mess up and miss, and I think it's going to be the Chiefs. I think Josh Allen is going to do enough to put the Bills in position to win, and I think he takes them out.
I'm going with the Buffalo Bills in not a huge upset because it's only two points, but I'm going to take the Buffalo Bills to silence that Red Kingdom over there and Taylor Swift, and I hope, let me just say this, I hope when Josh Allen and the Bills are cheering and jumping around that field they go to taylor swift in that suite and they show everybody in there looking somber they better do that that's my prediction all right what i didn't like about your prediction is you said you think josh allen is gonna do enough that sounds like you're picking a game in october i don't think you you can't come and just do it. I don't know, dude.
No, I mean enough by getting them to the 30 and kicking a game-winning field goal. Against the Chiefs, the Rats, and Spotify? You think that that's going to be...
Spotify. Paul, if I can just fucking hold you on the final fucking drive,

if I just put my hand on your hip and it's pass interference,

if I can take my helmet off in the end zone and the ref tells me to put it back on rather than getting an unsportsmanlike,

if my defensive coordinator can call timeout even though that's illegal

and the timeout is called, I need Josh Allen to do more than just enough. They need to take Valentine's Day Massacre.
They're counting by two scores. It's by 40.
Dude, I wish us four for this show could be together. Charcuterie board, all the food, and just have the cameras on us watching the Chiefs.
Well, I can't eat and watch a Chiefs game. It's that stupid.
Just have a fucking barf bag. And here's the thing, too.
I love the Chiefs with fucking Ben Dawson, Joe Delaney, rest his soul, all the way up, Todd Blackledge. I fucking love the goddamn team.
Hank Schramm. Yeah.

Yeah, it's a 64-toss power trap.

The best sideline coach.

Oh, dude, Hank Schramm was great.

That's a good place.

It's a good place.

I'm a fucking huge Chiefs fan, but I'm a fucking football fan first.

And let me tell you something, Paul.

Just hate football.

So, Bill, you're taking the Chiefs.

You're taking the Chiefs. 100% I'm taking the fucking Chiefs.
The movie of the week. The movie of the week.
I can't wait. They're probably going to have a movie of the week.
They're probably already shooting it. Called The Three Peat.
And that kid who used to host The Daily Show is going to fucking be Patrick Mahomes. Part of me thinks you're right, but I'm just going with the better team.
I don't know, dude. Trevor, what's his face? He's going to play Patrick Mahomes.
Trevor Noah? They're already shooting it, fault. That's how fixed it is.

They already know.

It's called the three-peat.

And somewhere in there, like, just to keep the story going,

Taylor Swift will have some sort of, you know, ambiguous cancer test.

So we can get Travis Kelsey, who will be playing himself,

to tear up on camera and get nominated for a Golden Globe.

Soundtrack.

Oh, yeah, soundtrack, merch.

I mean, you know.

Oprah's going to produce it.

Oprah's been kind of laying low lately.

I feel like she's kind of like, all right, I made my money. You know what I mean? I don't know what this business is anymore.
It's like two streaming services that aren't buying anything. So we'll just sort of leave it at that.
Oh, dude, I can't. Bill, I wish I could be a fly on the wall at your house when they call a flag against the Bills.
Oh, I'm not watching it. I realized last week the NFL was playing me as a sucker going.
They're like, I know the Bill Burr sports fan hates that we keep cutting to fucking Madonna. Right.
But fucking Taylor Swift, right? But he is too invested in watching NFL games. It's still a playoff game.
He will stay and watch this. We are betting.
Yeah. We are betting that we can keep all of this stupid shit going on and all of this cross promotion and all of this shit.
He's going to keep watching it. Dude, I just, I had to shut it off.
I had to shut it off because it made me sad because if you think this is going to be the last time they do this, I think this is their new business model. That they're going to prop up a team even when they're not the team.
I'm not saying they shouldn't have won one or two of them or whatever, but, dude, that shit last year was a fucking gift. The year before was worse, in my opinion, when they beat the Bengals on a ticky-tack call.
Oh, dude, the Bengals at them and then that out of bounds. Yeah, and then the Eagles game, the holding call, that was a phantom holding call at the end, won them that game.
So I think that was the worst one. That's like honorary degree championships.
100%. That was their 0-2 Lakers run.
The 22 run. Oh yeah.
Yeah, beating the Sacramento Kings. I don't know, dude.
I've been watching college basketball. I'm watching the Kansas Jayhawks.
It still looks like hoop to me. I'm done with the NBA that looks like a fucking shoot around.
It's it. And I'm not going out like a gentleman either.
I'm shitting on all the leagues. See, but this is what upsets me because everything was good this year, except the chiefs, the chiefs ruin.
It was a good year. Teams like the commanders with a young quarterback.
Good officiating. And then they do this.
That's a fair point. That's a fair point.
Everything was good except this fucking team. God, I want them to.
And I like them. Look at you, Paul.
Look at you. You're like, oh, God, I want.
That's what they're hoping for. It's making you fucking hate them, so you sit down and watch.
Don't fucking fucking watch don't watch and buy the jersey of that kid on fucking uh buy a bunch of josh allen jerseys this week dude josh allen make the nfl think oh that's where the money is because that's all they care about you saw it was cte they look the other fucking way and then when they had to pay the players with the miserable final third of their fucking lives, what did they give them?

700 bucks each?

Look, there's a reason why I fucking beat the book four years in a row.

Okay?

Because I'm one of the best there is.

Okay?

Now, let me say this.

Okay?

I was doing an Instagram Live, and somebody goes, oh, Verza, you don't know.

I go, I'm better than you at this.

Here's the deal.

Somebody is still questioning you? Oh, dude. Some of these, you know, very few.
But here's the deal. Josh Allen is on another level.
Their running game with James Cook is great. Their defense is not bad.
One little thing that they don't have that I think the edge goes a little bit. The officiating crew, yes.
The officiating crew and receivers.

But dude, I think the Bills can go in there and control the clock with the running game.

And Josh Allen is just not a guy,

knock on wood, to make big mistakes in a big game.

He just isn't.

And Josh Allen is MVP candidate this year.

Patrick Mahomes is not.

Josh Allen is having a better year as a quarterback this year.

The Buffalo Bills are only a two-point favorite because of the officiating.

They're a better team.

You're describing the Bills going every good Bills team that went in

and lost the playoff game.

They're always this guy.

There's no reason why Charlie Brown one time doesn't kick the fucking ball.

You know what I mean? There's no reason for that, Yet it doesn't fucking happen with that. You know what? Marv Levy is 99 years old.
The great Marv Levy who took those Bills teams. And I got to be honest.
That means those losses never took years off his life, thank God. Right? Guy's going to hit 100.
He was too nice to win one. He was a wholesome guy.
He helped out the community, went home to his wife. These are not the things.
This is not how you win in a capitalist society. No, I'm kidding.
That's hilarious. Be like, yeah, dude, never cheated on his wife.
They're done. They're done.

He has morals.

It's over.

If a guy gets concussed, he actually sits him down because he's thinking about the quality of the rest of his life.

Dude, he was there for his kids.

No way they win.

All right.

Okay, now, who are the Chiefs playing in this made-for-TV movie? You're saying they're going to be playing the Commanders. No, no.
I don't know if the Commanders are going to win. I like the six points.
I could see the Eagles winning by a field goal. The Commanders keeping it close.
I think in a perfect world, the two cameo.

What's that?

Does what?

Does Stallone do a cameo?

Oh, 100%.

Stallone wouldn't.

I feel like Stallone wouldn't.

They'll do a Rocky reference.

No,

the rock would, the rock would do a cameo,

not Sly.

When Rocky wins, is that not one of the greatest scores of any music ever? Dude, I'll be honest with you. When Adrian was in the hospital in two, and he's sitting there, and Mickey's got his head down, and she goes, come here, I want to tell you something.
And he goes, what? And she goes, win. And then all of a sudden sudden you hear the bell go off.
Dude, I almost cried, dude. I almost lost it.
I, I dude, when that music,

and then, and then Mickey goes, what are we waiting for? I'm like, dude, I can't handle this.

Like a bearded eight-year-old call Berzy.

Remember that little kid working out to the music?

No, the, the, the, was that John Williams? did he do it again on that one was that him no broke that uh i always forget that's uh

is that an italian guy when they play that to real boxing i was watching that they had like

great comebacks and they start bill conti huh bill conti no i like that Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na they go to drop the hand the third time and it fucking stays up. And he starts fucking doing this, walking around the whole place, starts going nuts.
Dude, you know what? You know what scene in Rocky isn't talked about enough and it's funny and touching in a weird way is when he went to the priest and he like honks his horn. He goes, yo, father, father.
And he just goes, the way he describes, he's like, you know, a fight. I was wondering, you know, if you give me a little prayer.
He just like, oh, Rocky. He does the whole thing.
All right, thanks, Father, and just leaves. That was so great, man.
It was so great. I loved it.
I loved it. Hey, remember when people used to think you could trust a priest? Well, that's why he did it from the window.
And now we had a little weird interaction a couple of decades ago. I was wondering if you could maybe try to even it out with a little...
Oh, yeah, hey. Your father, forget the past a couple years ago.
Just wondering. That's hilarious.
I'm sorry. No, he was Italian.
He wouldn't have. The priest was Italian.
Vatican is in Italy. I know it's considered a sovereign state, but Paul's sitting right there it's surrounded by Italians and the thing on behind that wall Paul uh you know what can you do but hope for the best what can you do you can turn the fucking priest up you don't send him to a new place.
That's true. That's true.

Sending him around the league like Jeff George.

That's my go-to reference always, Jeff George.

So, Bill, you have the Chiefs and the Eagles in the Super Bowl, yeah?

Yeah, there's only one football game next week, all right?

The other one they're shooting for stock footage when Trevor Noah plays Patrick Mahomes in the Chiefs three-peat. It's already been greenlit.
Dude, did the Washington Redskins with Mark Rippon play? Were they one of the four teams that beat the Bills in a Super Bowl? The second year. That was the Giants' second year was Mark Rippon,

and that was the great Joe Gibbs,

who won three Super Bowls with three different quarterbacks.

No one's ever done that.

Joe Theismann, Doug Williams, Mark Rippon.

What if we get a Washington Buffalo another Super Bowl?

It's right there in front of them.

That would be amazing for the NFL, I think.

That's not the only thing in front of them.

Big back dash. Oh my God, my Chiefs jersey just came.
Did you see that? That was one of the best things. He goes, oh, my new Chiefs jersey was an officiating thing.
He went like this too. He lifted it up.
Literally to the point, the people on ESn are saying it no dude legends are saying it everybody said it what tom brady said it they don't listen to anything the fucking patriots say no but bill you made a good point about something with the that flop he did that was like so egregious. Like that was,

that was like,

he like waited,

went out of bounds and then did it like a child. It was like,

just to try to get the flag,

which shows you,

he knows he's getting calls.

It is.

It was musical theater.

It was ridiculous.

And,

uh,

it was pirates of the Caribbean,

Paul.

Oh,

Bill,

we're going to be here next week.

Talking,

talking Buffalo.

We're going to be here talking Buffalo. The Buffalo bills are going in there.
Oh, Bill, we're going to be here next week talking Buffalo. We're going to be here talking Buffalo.

The Buffalo Bills are going in there.

Oh, and I saw her face.

Now Paul's a believer.

You're betting against the Chiefs in the playoffs,

and you're betting on the Buffalo Bills.

The Buffalo Bills logo, the Buffalo should be replaced with a broken heart. Or just some Bills fan laying face down on a table that didn't break.
Frying with wing sauce on the side of his face. Yeah, man.
I don't know. I think the better team is Buffalo.
I think they're going to go and win. Hey, Paul, you're not going to get an argument here on that.
I think the better team was the 49ers last year. But I – with confidence.
So let me – So who wins the Super Bowl at this point, at this juncture here? Well, we got to do the picks when we find out. Well, I'm just saying right now who do you still think wins the Super Bowl? They are going to free Pete, and then everybody's going to be forced to say, oh, my God, is this the greatest fucking team that ever fucking put on Cleet? That's what it's going to be because they have nothing else.
I think Buffalo is going to beat the Philadelphia Eaglesagles in the super bowl that's what i want to happen but i think the more we talk this out bill is a great point and the chiefs are probably gonna win it but i think the eagles will be there either way so um i'll go chiefs you don't think that yeah so so uh jake the snake is with bill he's got the eagles and Chiefs. Andrew? Hey, dude, the league, the guys that run the football team are with the Chiefs.
I actually think the Bills can win. I don't know how much more of this shit you can fucking watch.
How much more of this shit you can fucking watch? Yeah. I think the Bills can win.
I mean, I thought thevens could could have beat the chiefs i mean i'm still heartbroken over that ravens loss i'm obviously not a ravens fan this season i was rooting for them i thought they had you know the team to to beat the chiefs and to win the super bowl but those that was brutal but uh he's giving the bills credit though man they Oh, no, no. Listen, I understand.
But if there's like two drop balls that really changed the course of that game. I felt bad for that kid, man.
Yeah. The turnovers, didn't he? The ones before those, they don't count? No, no, no.
They do. Listen, again, I'm not saying the Bills didn't do it.
I just think if you add it all up, I think that those two plays, I mean, if he catches that ball in the end zone, obviously it's, uh, I'm going to play in the bills coach in the made for TV movie for the wording for me. They are teaching those guys to just punch the ball out.
That's like a play now where they're just running and they just from behind. It's great.

Punch down, dude, and it works.

Lawrence Taylor came up with that.

They've been doing that ever since then, but Lawrence was the best at it.

He brings that hammer of Thor.

You had your back to him.

Lawrence Taylor, was there anybody better on defense?

No.

Who's the closest?

Ray Lewis.

Ray Lewis?

In my opinion.

Ray Lewis is a good one.

I don't think anybody... Okay, I would go with Ray Lewis being the closest,

but there's nobody...

I don't know.

People don't understand changing the game. yeah was dominated the game what's his face was doing shit you've seen that clip like like that's not in the playbook and he goes well you should put it in there because it's a dandy you ever seen that no he's supposed to dude he's supposed to drop back in coverage at the pro level and he rushes instead that means his guy is open and not only does he still get to the quarterback before the guy can even see the dude he's supposed to be covering isn't covered he strips the ball and gets a touchdown yeah yeah wasn't he the first highlight reel looks like a future nfl like like that you know their high school reel where it's going to the NFL and the rest of these kids are going to a community college.
Yeah. He was doing that at, like, the NFL level.
Wasn't he the first guy to stand up as a D-end, not getting a three-point stand, just stand up and rush like that? Yeah, and Parcells was looking at him like, what the fuck is he doing? That's so great. I was the first guy to drive by the stadium, see the lights on, and be like, oh, shit, I thought that game was tomorrow.
And he got there in the first quarter. I didn't know that.
He's the one that started to punch the ball out? He's the first guy I saw that did that. Because it used be they used to just try to step sack the quarterback and strip it yeah no they wouldn't they would just you just try to grab him and tackle him he's the guy at least he came up with the you know when he coming in from the blind side yeah at that oh dude and i also don't think anybody looked better in a uniform oh he did.
He looked like a freaking superhero.

Oh, God. I'm getting the chills.

I love it. Charles Tillman had

the record for punch outs.

I would say Lawrence Taylor.

Wide receiver

is a toss-up between

Jerry Rice and Randy Moss.

Yep, I agree.

He says toss-up.

Running back is a hard one.

I'd have to go, like, as far as, like, power and speed, Bo Jackson, and then as far as lasting longer, Earl Campbell. And then I would say, you know, as far as being just elusive and explosive would be Barry Sanders.
Walter payton walter payton was a mix of uh

of power uh back in an elusive guy like he would do that that step and then dip back out he used

to do that move um and then i would say honorable mention i mean the guy who should be in the

fucking hall of fame as far as like he was showing the future

as far as his receiving

ability and

as a running back as Roger Craig.

The fact that that guy isn't in the Hall of Fame

is fucking ridiculous. He's not in the Hall of Fame.

No. He's won

like four Super Bowls now or two or three.

He was on a lot of those teams.

Somehow he's not in.

Crazy. All right.
how about safeties?

You got Ed Reed and Ronnie Lott.

Oh, Ed Reed's a good one.

Troy Palomaro, too.

Oh, Troy Palomaro's a good one. Mike Haynes was a corner.

I think Ed Reed statistically is the best one.

Dude, we saw him smoking a cigar when we were in Vegas at the Super Bowl. That was awesome.
That's cool. He's a huge cigar guy.
Yeah, those are all good. I don't know if people would.
All right, who's the best quarterback you ever saw? The best quarterback I ever saw, I mean, for me, it's a no-brainer. It's Tom Brady.
I saw him at Giant Stadium, go 16-0, get the record to Randy Moss. Randy got the record with that pass.
Tom and Randy got the record together with that pass. And it was the first time in my life.
This is when me and you first became friends, and I've been to Giant Stadium plenty. It was the first time in any professional sporting event I've ever seen when Brady and the offense were walking to the line of scrimmage and Giant Stadium is on their feet for all plays but three.
It looked like they were at their practice facility, that calm, collective, knowing what they're doing. It was the most – I remember just being like 70,000 screaming against them and the way they just walked up like a machine.
I was like, dude, this is nuts, dude. I'm watching something special here.
I think I'm still a Joe Montana guy and honorable mention Dan Marino's season in 84 and him beating the 85 Bears. They just had no fucking defense and their coach was old and it passed them by so those are the in elway too dude like elway was my elway i would say yeah and then also any of those guys if they had like uh you know it's like what if dan marino had bill walsh you know what I mean? Because that really is a part of it.
You've got to have all of those pieces.

You know, the ownership, the GM, the coach, and all of that.

Dude, what if Jim Kelly won two of those?

Jim Kelly, dude, he never gets talked about because they lost.

But, dude, he went to four Super Bowls in a row.

Yeah.

It's insane.

Yeah, and they had that big comeback against the Oilers. Yeah, but he didn't play in that.
It was Frank Reich. It was his backup.
Oh, that's right. Good call.
Yeah. The 80s is when it changed.
Those 70s quarterbacks, it was a different game. All of the Staubachs, the Bradshaws, Fran Tarkenton, and all of that it was it was on ken stabler burt jones those dudes it was on its way to becoming what it is and that started in the 80s with all of that but that's back when like dude just the giants alone what they did to joe montana and the quality of his life now like they broke him in half twice that twice.
That Leonard Marshall hit from behind? Oh, dude, and they played on fucking AstroTurf. Oh.
Yeah. Well, the turf is more common now.
Veteran Stadium was, like, getting tackled on, like, the fucking parking lot. Dude, what about the first – who was the first Mike Vick that I saw? It was Randall cunningham and dude randall go what's that arland briscoe well in my time it was yeah that's a little before my time my time was randall cunningham but dude randall cunningham also had a bomb do you remember his arm oh yeah oh yeah no he no randall cunningham was unbelievable marlon briscoe was randall cunningham 20 years before him yeah Yeah, we've pulled him up on here before, I think.
Randall Cunningham would run around, run around, run around, get at it, and then just sling it, dude. He was great.
No, he was incredible. You've got to love the honorable mentions.
I love the honorable mentions. I feel bad right now because I know the listeners are all screaming names that they want to fucking hear.
I've got to think of some. I'm sure I'm saying Rodgers, Brees, and Payton for quarterbacks, but, you know, that's more modern.
And we didn't run up Drew Brees or whatever as far as, like, the guy, the Doug Flutie Award, the guy who shouldn't be there but still just fucking goes out and wins. You've got to go fucking Drew Brees.
Brett Favre in his day. Brett Favre in his heyday.
Yeah, Brett Favrere was always He had too many fucking turnovers for me Yeah They were a powerhouse though Green Bay was a really rough team In the early 90s No but Bill's right He would throw across his body And try to stick it in places And just get picked off And then they would be like Well, well, he's a cowboy. He's a slinger.

There really was no ramifications.

I bet he historically leads everybody in four or more interceptions in a game.

Did we mention Troy Aikman?

We haven't.

No, Troy very quietly has three.

Kurt Warner.

Terry Bradshaw.

Kurt Warner with those Rams teams was amazing. Yeah.
What's it called? Who was the Doug Williams when he was at Tampa and then won one with Redskins. There's been a lot of good QBs out there.
Yeah. I'm thinking about all these running backs too.
Just like LT you know, LT and Adrian Peterson. Oh, dude.
Who hit the hole faster than LaDainian Tomlinson? The year he had 40 or whatever, 30-something touchdowns? I had a conversation about him with somebody, and they kept referring him to his LT. My neighbor, he's younger, and I was like, oh, you mean LDT.

I was like, we're different generations here.

There's LT and there's LDT.

But look, you know, we never mentioned Peyton Manning once, which is nuts.

Oh, sorry, Peyton Manning.

Oh, yeah, Peyton Manning.

But Jake brought him up in the run of those guys.

But, dude, listen, Brady went to 11 Super Bowls.

Did he go to 11?

He lost four.

Lost four, so that would be 11, right?

because he's he's

one

Thank you. Listen, Brady went to 11 Super Bowls.
Did he go to 11? He lost four. Lost four.
That would be 11, right? Because he said he's won seven. Lost.
Seven. Oh, seven, right.
Six with a pass. Seven.
Who else did he lose to? He lost to the Giants in 7-11. He lost to the Eagles in the Eagles.
He lost to. In like 2017.
I think, dude, the comeback. Listen, the comeback against the Falcons, if that didn't solidify, he was, dude, the comeback against the Falcons with the two two-point conversions, dude, if that didn't seal the deal, dude, I mean, the guy didn't make a mistake.
It was the Falcons, Paul. Dude, 28-3 though, dude.
In the third. I got a crazy stat about Eli Manning.
Oh, Eli, yeah. In 7-11, he never won a playoff game any other year except those years.
Yeah. And all were on the road.
How nuts is that? That'll never happen again. To me, that's one of those things where you're like, how is Eli not in the Hall of Fame and then somebody brings that up and it's like,

huh, are they hanging their hat on that? It's a weird stat for a guy that was

that good. No, his

stats are weird across the board. He has

the same amount, almost the same amount of

interceptions to touchdowns, his completions,

but he just won big games.

I think you'd have to say after

two and two Super Bowl MVPs, I

think he should be in there.

He's going to get it. You're not going to get a Patriots fan being like, yeah, no, I don't know about that guy.
We know about that guy. I'm trying to think of Raiders.
Who are Raiders? Who are the best Raiders? Ben Stabler. Right, but who was after him? Wasn't there anybody after him? Jeff Hostetler.
No, Jeff Hostetler won a Super Bowl at the Giants. Did he never play with them? Gatlin, Chris, something like that.
Rich Gannon. Oh, Rich Gannon.
Rich Gannon went to a Super Bowl, and his receivers on that team was Jerry Rice and Tim Brown. Mark Wilson.
Oh, Tim Brown's another guy you got to bring up.

Tim Brown.

Tim Brown, Tony Gonzalez, as far as I can...

George Blanda.

The greatest tight ends of all time.

Tim Brown, Tony Gonzalez.

Antonio Gates.

Antonio Gates.

Russ Brown.

You should be in the hall of fame too.

Travis.

I think it's now you have to say, I think you have to say Travis Kelsey.

Now do you do it?

His, yeah, he just passed Tony Gonzalez for yards.

I think last year or the, you know, some, Oh, I didn't know he had numbers like that.

No, he's, he's got a lot of yards.

He's got a lot of, this is actually one of his lowest years. This is one of his worst years.
I'd still take Gronk first. I'll be honest with you, Gronk first.
Stats today versus like the stats like 10. It's just – it's a – the game changes so much.
It's why it's hard to go like error to error. Obviously, Kelsey would fucking dominate in any – Oh, Gronkowski, dude.
Gronkowski had hands. He had like, it wasn't like, he actually reached out high, grabbed the ball, and then yards after the catch.
Gronk was a beast, dude. Dude, they just went after his fucking legs.
Yeah. They just, they hit that.
I never saw a guy get hit low. You had to.
That was the only way to bring him down, but they just fucking hammered his He went down like a tree, dude. They would hit him right up.
They would hit him like right above, right above the knees. And then his top would just crash straight down.
Or the back too. Dude, Brady loved him.
Brady loved going to him because he always delivered for him. Yeah.
Who do you think the best rookie quarterbacks are? Jake had texted me maybe uh jayden daniels oh the best rookie quarterbacks i think jayden but also i believe ben roethlisberger went 13 and 3 his first year my uh forrest gump moments i went to uh i was doing a gig in pittsburgh and i went to the mall and Ben Roethlisberger was sitting there signing autographs. It was like five people in the line and no one, who's that guy? He's that guy.
He's got the long name, right? And dude, that was like the second game of the year. And then a month later, I was on tour with Charlie Murphy, rest of the soul and Donnell Robbins, uh, Rollins.
And we were in, uh in uh dallas and i went to that old ugly ass stadium they had to look like a giant golf ball that they cut the top off of and i went in there and by then he was already a star that's when he was like seven and oh and uh the legend of big ben i'll say as far as what i liked about him and i don't know that that you're going to see a guy like that again. He was an old school, like, tough quarterback where it was like tackling a defensive.
The level of hits that that guy took and he still didn't go down. He wasn't elusive.
He'd just grab him and you'd bounce off of him and he would still make the throw and the completion. But you know what? He was a little more elusive than you think because there are times where he like scampered away and you're like, how did he not get caught? Because he looks so slow.
And they said he was that height and that big in high school when he played in Ohio. They go, it was like the same guy.
But you're right. The last name makes you go, that guy, that's a backup last name.
Yeah, it doesn't seem like it's going to be. Yeah, that sounds like a fucking Cleveland Brown quarterback who's back up to Chicago the next year.
You guys didn't have Gronk in 07, right? When did we get Gronk? No, I thought those were the Welker years. have been like out here at the when they had you know when willis whalen comes out um yeah we were out here during the thing and and he had just gotten drafted and i was standing there he was fucking huge he was like just a kid and he was i heard him he was like talking or whatever and he and willis goes that's your new tight end that's tight end.
And I was just like, all right, yeah, cool. Looks like a big guy.
I didn't think it was going to be – I didn't think – I had no idea it was going to be what he was. Now, did that Patriots run with those – that Patriots run with the players they had from Moss that year to Gronk to Welker to Edelman and the coach.
2010 and his scouting report, if I remember correctly, was really good, but he was injured his last year in Arizona. And some people are like, nah, this guy's injury prone.
It's like he's not going to have it. I know he had his off-field issues, but those years when we had the two tight ends, it was amazing.
Impossible to guard. Yeah.
Oh, by the way, how did we not – That's a movie. How did we never, ever mention Aaron Rodgers, and he's arguably the most talented quarterback arm-wise ever? That guy.
Well, that's my thing, too. I don't think – do you think that Aaron Rodgers at his best? Has Patrick Mahomes played at that level yet? As far as throwing the football, no.
Statistically, no. As a matter of fact, Aaron Rodgers did the Brett Favre cross the body and actually fit it in.
He got it in. Yeah.
So I love that. I could talk about this all the time.
Aaron Rodgers is going to be the last Hall of Fame quarterback at the end of his career that's going to go to the Jets.

Everybody's after Brett and then fucking Aaron.

Everybody's going to be – the agents are all going to be like,

you don't want to go there.

It's not going to end well.

They just show a chart of everybody that did it?

Yeah.

That's not – I got a great story. I don't know, Bill.
you i might have told you this but this is a great story for the show so this is a warren moon this is a warren moon on the minnesota vikings story warren moon i guess he was it was uh after the the oilers or whatever or whenever he played on the on the vikings and he had a young ch Carter, Hall of Famer. And I guess he threw the ball and Chris Carter, like he missed Chris Carter and Chris Carter kind of did this diva flashy, wow, come on.
And apparently Warren Moon went up to him, gets in his face, and he goes, if you ever fucking do that again in public, he said, I will bury you in this offense and nobody will ever know your fucking name. It's a true story.
Crazy. Love that.
Chris Carter, one of the great receivers too. And then it went on to mentor.
John Jefferson, the first Jerry Rice, but he took the money and went to Green Bay. Green Bay had James Lofton and John Jefferson in the same thing and they were playing in the frozen tundra.
Oh my God. If Dan Marino had those two, Dan Marino is my coach.
John Wooden. That's my guy.
Dan Marino. I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to hurt Buffalo bills fans here, but this was their team.
You had Thurman Munson in the back. Uh, Thurman Thomas.
Yeah. You had Thurman Tom Thurman Munson.
Yeah. You rest his soul.
Wide receiver. Rest his soul.
Yeah. You had Thurman Munson in the back.
Thurman Thomas. Yeah.
You had Thurman Munson. You had, rest his soul.
Wide receiver. Rest his soul.
You had Thurman Thomas. You had Thurman Thomas in the backfield.
You had James Lofton. You had Andre Reid.
You had Bruce Smith. You had the Daryl Talley.
Cornelius Bennett. Daryl Talley.
Don Beebe. Dude, Don Beebe and special teams.
They just went against the Cowboys with Emmitt, Troy, Michael. They also went up against Bill Belichick's Giants defense.
And they went up against Joe Gibbs. Dude, they went up against...
First of all, they went up against the two masters, Belichick, Parcells, on the same fucking team, and then Joe Gibbs. And then they went up against fucking, how about them Cowboys? We got like 49 number one picks when he cut all those players after the Herschel Walker trade.
And shout out to Jimmy Johnson, picked all the right guys too. Jimmy Johnson is not getting enough credit.
Guess what? Give a fuck. Jerry Jones wanted him out.
Fucking mood since the first time I saw him, since he was with Miami. He's just always been ear-to-ear grin.
I'm not happy with a head of hair like this. You ever notice when a – I love his hair.
You ever notice, though, when an owner does that, when an owner wants to – gets rid of the guy that they shouldn't get rid of, the team doesn't win. Jerry Jones didn't want Jimmy Johnson calling the shots, and he got rid of them because they had a riff.
And then the Maras, you know, the Maras kind of got rid of Coughlin after Coughlin did what he did, and Cough wouldn't shake his hand at the press conference and stuff and you shouldn't have got rid of the guy. You know, you shouldn't have got rid of the guy.
The fucking team. No, it's ridiculous.
Ego, what's his face? He's still saying he's going to be the GM. Jones, huh? Jerry Jones is going to be the fucking GM.
What about Rex Ryan going, the Jets got to pick me. I'm the best guy for the job.
They know I've been there. I could do it again.
I'm going to come back, and I'm the guy for the job. He's just basically interviewing himself on ESPN.
My team did something similar. We fired Marty Schottenheimer after going 14-2, and then we were terrible.
Dude, Marty Schottenheimer is an anomaly. I've never seen a guy have a more dominant year and then in the playoffs be winning and then just have it stop.
It was the worst time clock management ever. Falcons are up there too though.
The Falcons in that game were up there too. They didn't run the ball.
They just kept throwing it up 28 to three. Yeah, no, that, yeah.
The NFC Central, whatever they fucking call it now. They used to be the black and blue division.
At some point, dude, other than the Packers, the misery. Oof.
The misery in that Lions, Vikings, and Bears, the Bermuda Triangle. Fucking being a football fan.
Well, they were saying that that was the best division all year, people were saying. And I'm not saying that they weren't because they had, obviously, a few competitive teams, but they were like best division all year.
And they got shut out of the playoffs. Well, I went three.
First ever is when you have a great season like the lions did and you're just one and done you know yeah far emotionally as a fan and how far ahead you've already planned and it's over in hours you know you know you know who did that the most i hate to say it but peyton manning did that the most i think peyton manning they would go 13 and 3 and the chargers would knock them out i think peyton manning has 11 first round eliminations or something like that dude well that's why their owner had to get on the competition committee and change fucking rules to tip it to the advantage of their team and steal our offense yeah and an owner shouldn't be allowed the nfl should not allow an owner to be on a rules committee it's a complete conflict of interest it it does it it's the midwest you know it's so it's fine no because then they could make rules for indoors they could you know what i mean it's like for their stadium it's just rules of where you kick the ball off and where you don't when you fucking, you know, miss a field goal, whatever the fuck happened that year.

Yeah.

It was like boss hog shit.

Yeah.

Did you guys hear about this happened over break?

Because you mentioned the John Madden movie that they're making.

Oh, that's going to be.

Do you know who's playing John Madden?

Who?

Free keep, which they're going to show this Sunday before the game. Who's playing Madden? Nicolas Cage.
What? No, but imagine him like with makeup. They're going to do it.
You got to kick the ball. And you know who's playing Al Davis? You know, kick the ball through the uprights.
You got four quarters. One, two, three, four, overtime.
Why would he do that? Why? Al Davis. You know who's playing Al Davis? Who? Christian Bale.
Oh, I heard that. I heard that.
That could be good. Amazing.
I would have thought they'd get Frank Caliendo to play John Madden.

Oh, God.

That would be great.

Nobody takes it seriously at all.

His family is like, maybe you could have gone with somebody else.

Is John Goodman not around?

Nicholas Cage is playing John Madden?

Are they going to put him in a suit?

Like what?

They're going to put him in Eddie Murphy's nutty professor of fucking suit.

I'm sorry. Put him in like a suit? Like what? They're going to put him in Eddie Murphy's, nutty professor of fucking suit.

All right.

Well, we're at – well, we went – that was great.

A little memory lane, a little nostalgia there.

All right, everybody.

Those are our championship week picks.

Bill has the Chiefs and Eagles. I have the Commanders and Bills.
Hope you appreciate when you watch the Kansas City Chiefs, the level of greatness that you are watching. I just hope that you appreciate that.
Dude, I'm not going to mention the name now. I'll tell you guys off recording but i was in the green room i might have said this before i was in the green room in milwaukee or something and this guy this guy that was featuring for me nice guy uh spanish kid tall he goes he told me a guy he opened for and it was a name that we all know and he goes yeah i was in here before this is what the guy said to him i guess the guy he opened for the headliner killed and he went back in the green room and he sat down and he looked and he goes i'm jealous of you bro and the feature goes why he goes i'm jealous that you got to see that set that i just had i wish i could have watched he goes i i wish he goes i wish i could have watched what i just did for an hour.
I'm just, they're alone with him and do it. I'm terrifying.
Like, not fucking around. Like I'm jealous of you, bro.
And he goes, Oh, why? He goes, cause you just got to witness and watch what I just did out there. Like, I wish I could have watched if it was like some Kanye way.
And he thought he was fucking with him. He's like, ah, and he's like, no, man, I was like, I'm jealous you got to see that.
Dude, he told me he was serious. I was just like, what? I was like, dude, that's another level.
You know who the headliner is? When I tell you, yeah, I'll tell you. Hey, I can't say it here, all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tell us that. Sounds like Kanye West, though.
But, dude, I got a story like that. I'm not going to say because people might figure it out.
Okay. Dude, I heard.

I had somebody bring me up one time.

And the level that they complimented themselves and where they put me in position to them.

I was like, for the first five minutes I was on stage.

I'm like, did he really just.

You can't even think of your first jokes. You're like, wait, what's this? Like, out of all the people out there, this is the only guy that comes close enough to lick my boots.
It was like literally licking the nerve. I'm like, thanks? He basically told the whole crowd that I wasn't going to be as good remotely as good as him I was just like and I want to be like did you prepare that or it was that you just think things like that I would never do that to anybody it fucked me up for like 7 minutes and then i was like then i was mad at myself going why did i just let him get away with it i should at least said something and then yeah and then it fucked up like the next few minutes and then he ended up being right thinking about what he said that might have been psychological warfare that might have been the plan.
Oh, dude, it was a fucking good one. I was just like.
But it was like, dude, it was the same thing. Like what that kid said.
It was like so like. Was he joking? Like to people like literally.
OK, you think that shit. But to be also so unaware to say it out loud.
That's one of the most narcissistic, crazy, I mean, the fact that somebody thinks you're fucking around is how wild it is. I don't know.
I'm jealous of you, dude. He goes, what? You got to see what I just did.
Hey, you know, tell us all three of you guys, because you guys got to hear my conspiracy theories about the nfl you know i i wish that i could have been you telling you what really goes on behind closed doors with you know bill bill andrew and jake i'm jealous that you guys got to watch me give my picks as i was given them jealous that you got to hear me think them out and say them i can can't believe you beat the book three, four years in a row.

Roscoe.

I'm just jealous that you got to experience an evening with me.

It are one of the greatest one bedroom apartments you're ever going to be in,

in your life.

Dude, I'm going to say that to my wife.

Next time we get a little frisky, as soon as we're done, I'm going to go, I'm jealous of you. You just got to have me do that to you.
I wish I could have. Oh, because when you sit there at brunch and listen to all your about their husbands, you're going to sit, have nothing to say because there's no way after what I just did to you, you would have any, any sort of a complaint.
All right. Oh, that's great.
All right, everybody. Bronze that apartment when you leave, it's unrentable.
Like, you know, they retire a jersey. They're going to retire his apartment.
They've only done that to three apartments. Unknown Burt Reynolds.
Unknown Brad Pitt and unknown Jake the Snake. Certain apartments, after the legendary acts that happen in there, just have to be retired.
Andy Brickman's injury reports. You know, he's, as always, as always, the MVP.
Thank you, thank you. I could see Jake the Snake at a bar in Hollywood, and some chick comes up and she goes, are you Jake the Snake from Anything Better? He just gets cool.
He goes, depends who's asking. If you want me to be.
Are you injury reports? Hey, I'm the fucking, I'm becoming the Bobby Bonilla of this podcast.

Dude, Bobby Bonilla just got his last year's check.

Yeah.

That was it.

They should extend him again.

I got the Allen Houston contract.

Guy got a million bucks for like 30 years.

Dude, what is with New York

and these fucking never-ending

contracts? It's amazing.

It's stupid. It's so

stupid, man.

That Juan Soto

$760 million for a fucking

position player?

Man, Jones fucking ate. You guys

throw it around, Paul.

Hey, New York, you guys like to spend.

Yeah.

Alright, guys. To get the – you guys know what to do, to sign up and to have fun.
Obviously, bet responsibly, but get the best app out there. It's the BetMGM app, guys.
All you got to do is download to your advice and use our code. It's an easy code.
It's B-U-R-R. That's Burr, B-U-R-R.
And you deposit as little as $10 into the account. And if you lose your first bet, you'll get 1500 back in bonus bets.
If you do lose, you'll get the 1500 in bonus bets after the initial wager is settled. And check out the first touchdown prop bet.
You pick any player in any of these games to get the first touchdown.

And, hey, now it's narrowed down.

Now it's narrowed down.

So you pick any of these players in these games, first touchdown, you win.

If, in fact, they don't get the first touchdown,

but the second you'll get your cash back.

There you go.

Bet responsibly.

Hey, I just saw the Chiefs.

Vegas just took the Chiefs game off the board.

They just took it.

You can't bet it. It's just too fucking obvious.
Everybody knows they're going to win. I'll let you bet the Bills, though.
You know what I'm doing here, Paul. I'm trying to jinx them.
I hope so. I have no idea how bad I want to get wrong about all of this.
Oh, God. I just want to see Josh Allen run off that field like this with his long hair on his way back to Buffalo.

Oh, God.

Both games had the same over-under, which I thought.

It was 47 and a half.

Caught my eye, obviously.

And I like Mahomes and Kelsey.

Like, they seem like the refs did this.

The refs did this.

Yeah, I don't like either of them.

Independently, you think they did?

They didn't.

It's a marketing plan. But this shit this shit this whole that shit done done nah um how great what would

you do if it was like 34 and all right andy reed's a great coach too uh all right anyway

i like andy reed i like all that shit but i also like football poll i like football

Thank you. Andy Reid's a great coach too alright anyway I like Andy Reid I like all that shit but I also like football Paul I like football may the best team win well last question here there's a late flag did the Washington commanders beat the Lions because they're that good or did the Lions just have a bad day because if the commanders beat beat them outright, Philly could lose, which I'm excited to see.
Paul, the Lions are in the Bermuda Triangle. Minnesota.
I like that. Chicago, back up to Minnesota.
You do not want to be rooting for football within that triangle. Did you come up with that, the Bermuda Triangle? That's great.
Oh, but that's what it is. It's the Bermuda Triangle.
It's the NFL's Bermuda Triangle. It is the level of suffering.
Like the AFC has the Buffalo Bills and the Chargers. Jets? Jets too.
Oh, and the Jets. That's sort of an isosceles.
That's a weird looking triangle. um i don't know but it's the fact that they're all in the same division although the jets and bills are in that division what about the dolphins by the way the dolphins dolphins they've been living off that that undefeated season since 72 they haven't won in over 50 years they they won three years The last time they won was three years after the only time the Jets won.
All right, let's talk about, real quick before we leave, let's talk about the longest droughts in the NFL right now. You got the Cowboys.
You have the Miami Dolphins. Real quick, the Dolphins have the longest playoff drought in the league.
What? You can't throw the fucking Cowboys in there like that. You got to go back 50 years with all these other guys.
All right, Jets. Super Bowl or playoffs? No, no, Super Bowl win.
Jets, 69. Miami, 72.
Bills, never. They won a title in like 60 or 61.
Bills, never. Detroit Lions? Never.
So Cardinals, 77 seasons without a Super Bowl. Detroit Lions, 66 seasons.
The Vikings, 63. Oh, Cleveland Browns.
Cleveland Browns. 60.
Cleveland Browns next. They're 60.
No, no, no. That's technically not true.
Because that franchise is the Ravens. Oh, that's right.

What it is is Cleveland – this is the most Cleveland story ever. When the Cleveland Browns won a Super Bowl, they did it in Baltimore.
I mean, that's hard, dude. Yeah.
And then Atlanta, 59 seasons.

Tennessee Titans, 59 seasons. But, again, that's the Titans.
You got to. The Oilers.
The O.C. Houston Oilers.
Yeah. The Buffalo Bills, 58 seasons.
Wow. That's an honest.
That's an honest 58 seasons. The Chargers, 58.
They went during the nfl afl merger right so that they're counting they're going back to super bowl one they've never won one right but like their last winning a title was like early 60 john f kennedy was in office wow i'm the fucking lions wanted bobby lane i don't think Eisenhower had been elected yet. Truman might have still been president.
I'm not sure about that. Yeah, Chargers, then Bengals, then Jets, 56 seasons.
And then the Carolina Panthers and the Jaguars were the expansion team in 95, and they haven't done it, right? Jaguars 30 years panthers 30 years niners 30 years cowboys 29 texans cold saints but the dolphins are the longest playoff drought yeah well you gotta understand like those early uh like right up until like fucking, say the Cowboys run. 51.
All right? Like so few teams. Like the Packers had two.
Steelers had four. 49ers had four.
Cowboys had four. They were just eating them up.
The fucking Redskins had three. Raiders had had three so all of a sudden like those first like

30 fucking super bowls were shared it seemed between a half dozen teams and everybody else was on the outs yeah i i saw a trivia question yesterday that said what's the only nfl team to win in four uh four different decades might be the

Packers

no the in four different decades? It might be the... Packers.
No, the answers a lot of people were saying were those and the Broncos, but it's the Giants. The Giants did it in 86.
They did it in 91. They did it in 07, and they did it in 11.
That was a self-serving stat, but I'll give it to you. No, no, I'm just saying it was a thing that just came up.

I mean, who am I?

I would have said it if it was another team.

I would have said it if it was another team. So, Jake, to answer your question, the longest playoff drought,

if this fucking AI answer is correct here, it says, just the regular search,

it says New York Jets, 15 seasons, last appearance 2010.

That's when they beat the

Patriots, I believe.

Oh my god.

Tom Brady's career.

That's Rex Ryan. That was the

Rex Ryan. That was 2000.

That's the last time they've been in the playoffs.

Wasn't that Mark Sanchez, right? It was.

Yeah.

The Jets haven't even been

a wild card in 15 years?

Dude.

Well, I get... mark sanchez right it was yeah the jets haven't been in the jets haven't even been a wild card in 15 years dude well i gotta be honest with you in a lot of ways that that that that jet loss hurt just as much as those cowboy of the giants ones because he talked all of this shit i'm not going up there to kiss their rings and we absolutely destroyed him like in December.
And then, um, Welker said, boy, we're going to put our best foot forward, making fun of how Rex Ryan's in defeat. And then Belichick benched him and we just started off, no pun intended on the wrong foot.
Um, and they, and, uh, they had that great, they had that great defense and they came in and they beat us in Foxboro. That was a brutal, brutal loss.
Wow. So, Jake, the Dolphins, it looks like they went a few years back, so they haven't won a playoff game since 2000, but they've been.
That's what I meant. Okay, yeah.
They get like a pass. The Dolphins get like a pass.
Nobody talks about them not winning a lot. Some of the Raiders.
Fucking undefeated season. They keep getting their balls washed about that every year.
But they also had a lot of good years with Marino, like, competing. So I think that's why it feels...
Depends on who you ask. I mean, we're a little older.
It's a long time ago though, but like, I didn't realize that they, I mean, dude, 2000 was the last time they're in the playoffs. The nineties were just yesterday or what playoff win.
Um, yeah. And they haven't won a super bowl dude in 53 years, dude.
If the Buffalo bills win fucking the Buffalo is going to burn down. And I don't even know if the, dude, you know how many people are at the airport rooting them on?

It's like the whole fucking town goes to the airport while they're just to watch them get on the plane.

How bad? I want them to win, dude.

Yeah.

Like, they give a shit.

Tourism, dude.

What?

That's so bad for tourism, that stat, that the whole town is there.

It's just clearly saying there's absolutely nothing to do here other than to root for the Bills. Dude, the coach came off the plane.
He couldn't believe it. It was like Buffalo was at the airport by, like, where the plane landed.
They're just going nuts. And I was like, holy shit, man.
Those people are so – Social reality glasses. Actually seeing Niagara Falls was an amazing thing.
And now... Dude, have you seen these fucking guys? They have these things.
These guys make these things. I mean, the system is like 40, 50 grand.
I think Rogan got one where you can put... You feel like you're in a Formula One race.
Like the screen is all the way around you. Dude, they have it for like aviation.
And I'm watching this guy. I'm like, this guy is flying a fucking helicopter.
That's nuts. It's like to the point where you could almost log the hours.
It's that real. Do they count as hours for real or no? I know like when guys are, I think when those professional ones, not the one that you have in your house, I believe somebody, I'm sure plenty of people know more about this than I do.
But I think on when you're becoming like a pilot for United or something like that, I think you're allowed to log some of those, what do they call it? The simulator miles into your book, I believe, because they're that good at this point, but I don't know. I still don't see how that they could duplicate a fucking process.
Dude, it's that bit. It's that bit that I did.
That pilot came up to me, all happy, joking pilot at JFK. And he was like, we're starting to build a rapport.
And he like taps me on the thing. I swear to God, he was this happy guy, like overweight.
It's hilarious, this guy.

And he just goes, dude, you know what I learned?

I swear he was talking to me like this.

He goes, you know what I learned to do this?

Guy fucking had like a Delta pin or whatever, America, whatever it was.

And he goes, do video games.

He goes, it's the exact same thing.

It's the exact same thing, dude.

I did a joke in my bit and I was just going.

He goes, yeah.

He goes, it's all the technology's nuts.

That's what.

Exact same thing, dude.

And I was, that's what I said. Because if you don't have, I could fucking die.
That's, that's, yeah. You don't have, there's that.
And then there's, there's fighting a crosswind and crabbing in, you know, fucking, you know, in your goddamn, you know. The buttons may be the same.
The buttons and all the things, the instruments may be the same, but that doesn't mean this is the. Hey, Paul, you know why I became a Green Beret? Fucking PlayStation.
Exact same thing. Paul, I've been to Iraq in my living room.
You know how many throats I slit? In that case, I'd like to say I am a Jedi. You're a Jedi.
He's a Jedi in a video game. No, but I know what they're saying as far as like, you know, it's weird.
It's like, you know how to do it, but then you have to relearn how to do it for real. But it's like, you know, it's like the steering wheel, gas pedal, all of that shit's there.
And now you ship, they make the cockpit the exact same. So you know where all the shit is and what the buttons do.
But then you do still have to learn how to do it for real. Did you ever hear Mark Wahlberg talk about he was supposed to be on that 9-11 plane?

And he goes, if I was on it, dude, I'm stopping.

He goes, I'm stopping it. He goes, it's not

happening if I'm on it. He was dead.

You know how jealous I am of you?

All right, guys.

We will see you one more week.

Super Bowl week.

We will be back. Enjoy the championship games, and we'll see you next time.
Bet responsibly. Have a good time.
Being outside is good for us, and trails make it easy for us to walk, bike, and be active outside right in our own backyards.

When we're on the trail, we see more than a day outside.

We see people hiking, biking, running with their communities, making the places where they live great.

That's why Rails to Trails Conservancy connects more people with trails across the country,

making it safer and easier for people to get outside.

Get involved.

Find your trail and start your journey today at railstotrails.org slash iHeart and follow at Rails to Trails on social.