Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-16-25

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday Morning Podcast and I'm just checking in, checking in on you. Oh my God.
Oh, Billy fucking running his yap. I'm Press Boy this week promoting my stand-up special that's coming out on Hulu March 14th.
I did Jimmy Kimmel last night. I had a great time doing that.
Got to do it with Jessica Gunning from Baby Reindeer. And then there was this killer band, Neil.
I'm spacing on his name, but they had like that Elton John vibe. Killer drummer, bass player was amazing too.
And the guitar player, everybody was amazing. Jimmy Kimmel, of course, as always, lobbing it over the net as every great talk show host does.
I had a great time doing that. You know what's funny? Listen to this fucking shit.
When you go out of there, when you leave the Kimmel Show, which is a great hang, he's got a great green room and there's people hanging out. It's sort of like a lounge vibe.
It's really cool. And everybody at the show is like super nice.
But when you leave,

there's this little alleyway to the, to the, uh, to the parking lot. So the, the, you know, the professional autograph people, you know, the ones who act like your biggest fan and they, for some reason just happen to have 42 things for you to sign and they just throw it on on the internet.
They don't give a fuck. They throw it up on eBay.
And, uh, oh, whatever. Right.
So I'm come walking out. Right.
Felt like the segment went really well. So, you know, they're fucking standing there hanging over the fence.
So it's like, all right, you know, let me go over and sign some of these things. So there's this fucking kid there.
His voice hadn't even changed it. He's like, Bill, Bill, could you sign this? Oh, my God, I'm the biggest fan, Bill.
And he fucking hands me this thing. And all it is is just blank windows with nothing in there, which is weird.
They have you sign the plastic. Then they stick like a card in there.
I don't get it, really. And he kept going, I'm the biggest fan.
Oh, my God, I love the Mandalorian. Bill, Bill, just one more.
Bill, just one more.

I'm fucking signing this shit.

I'm signing.

And he keeps jumping over people.

Bill, Bill, Bill.

He's freaking the fuck out.

And then, you know, I signed like, you know, a bunch of these fucking things.

And then as I turn around, like the second I turned around and that little kid knew I

was walking away, he went for Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill.

Then I hear the same voice.

He just goes, hey, dude, that's my pen. It was all an act.
Completely didn't give a fuck. Oh, my God, Bill.
And then the second I walk away, hey, man, give me my pen back. All right, guys.
See you later. Let's wrap it up, right? So then I'm driving out of the place.
He had run down to where you drive out

and he's, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, he's taking over the fucking fence. And I want to be like, dude, I already signed like 20 of your fucking things.
And I also heard the way you said, can I have the pen back? You totally confirmed that you don't give a fuck about me, which is fine. And I get it.
It's a little business thing. You earned your money.

You came down here. I signed you things.
Go, go, whatever the fuck you think you're going to get for them. Go do it.
Right? So I drive out of there to the left was a bunch of traffic. So I go to the right

and

I fucking

drive like three football

fields I get to the stop sign. I'm sitting behind a car and all of a sudden scared the shit out of me.
This same fucking kid knocks on me and went up. Dude, I felt like it was in Halloween.
Like when fucking Mike Myers jumped up on the station wagon fucking window. I was like, what the fuck? I was like, kid, kid, you're going to get hit by a car.
Come on, man. I signed these things.
Now you make, you know, because he's got that high pitch voice. It's making you feel bad like you're leaving some orphan without his porridge or some shit.
So I make a left and I just drive. I gotta get away from this fucking kid, right? So I drive and make a left and I look in my rearview mirror and he's running down the fucking street like those, uh, those paper boys in that, that eighties movie, $2, $2.
So then I banged a right and another lie. I was driving where I didn't even want to fucking go just to get away from this kid but um shout out to him man fucking kid was dedicated but dude I wish you could I'm not even doing it justice the way he switched the way his voice dropped down like three octaves to just the fucking businessman he already was 11 years old old.
Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill. Hey, let me get my pen back.
Oh, I got a good laugh. I definitely got free when he knocked on the fucking window.
Holy shit. That scared the hell out of me.
Um, anyway, so yeah, I'm doing the, I'm doing the press thing. This, this, uh, the old Billy press boy, you know, one week, get out there, you fucking, you run your yap, you promote your shit and then you fucking go away before they get sick of you.
That's, that's how the game's played. So I did, um, and I did a couple of podcasts today that will be coming out.
So I don't know if you can announce them. Everything's all fucking weird now.
You never know how to do these things. But anyway, thank you for all the nice things you guys wrote about the Kimmel thing.
Jimmy's the best. You know, you just go out there.
You just feel like you're hanging out. Reminded me when I used to do Conan show and all of that stuff like all the all the fucking great ones just you know you forget you're doing the show you know so and his band sounded fucking killer man so anyway yeah just running around doing all of that shit today and getting geared up the fuck was I gonna talk about oh I know I know I was gonna talk about my my daughter busted me because I agreed not to smoke cigars right so I wasn't smoking cigars supposed to go another hundred days which I actually like that she does that but uh I find I found like uh a way around it I was smoking a pipe and I was thinking, all right, well, it's not a cigar.

It's also not as bad. I also don't really like smoking a pipe.
So I'll just kind of do that once a week. But I did it.
And then I came in side and she smelled it on me. She's like, dad, did you smoke? I said, I smoked a pipe.
And she's just going, dad, I go, you said no cigars. She goes pipes no smoking and I went all right all right so now I'm like off off I did the California sober thing with the with the with smoking rather than you know people say I'm sober California sober means you still eat gummies and shit like that.
Which, by the way, you know. I don't know.
One of the things I kind of liked about doing Kimmel last night is I made sure I stayed like a political. And people still they just politicize everything.
It's fucking unbelievable. You could literally go on a morning talk show and show them how to fucking make blueberry pancakes.
And so why'd you pick blueberries? Blue, blue ties, but fucking liberal pancakes. Fuck this guy.
Let's show you guys how to make strawberry shortcake, red, red tie, fucking Tr of shit it's just like it's it's unbelievable um but fortunately it's not most people it's just these people that like you know like uh the thing where like if you're in jail too long you don't you don't even know how to live outside they say you're institutionalized i feel like when when you either are on the internet long enough reading conspiracy theory. God knows I did that a good 12 years ago on this podcast.
Or you watch those 24-hour news networks. It just does something to your brain that isn't healthy.
So I'm kind of hoping, you know, I don't know. I think it would be a lot better.
I don't watch the news and I got to tell you, I'm really happy. Happier, I should say.
Let's not get crazy. I'm way happier.
I think of all the news that I watched in my lifetime, the amount of it that ever helped me. The only thing, the only news that ever really helps you is the weather channel like if they they let you know where hurricanes coming or where the fires are or whatever like that helps you out but all of this other shit what is it all it does is just fucking i don't know about you i i watch the shit and i got my fucking head in the stove by the time i'm done um so anyway it's really weird and and And how they got like states not liking other states.
It's fucking bizarre. Like the amount of shit that people think that Los Angeles is or California is.
You can just tell they've never been to California. It's like fucking or they came out to California with their mind already made up.
And I get out there and I see this chick with fake tits. I'm like, there you go.
It's like there's fake tits everywhere now. Or like people out here, I listen to them talk about Florida and Texas, like their idea of it.
It's like, you've never been to those places. Here's an exercise for you.
Why don't you take a vacation to a state you hate and go there with an open mind and just go there and say, I'm going to have a good time. And I guarantee you, you're going to.
I guarantee you, you're going to meet people that you like. And I guarantee that you're going to have a good fucking time.
All right. But if you want to go there with your fucking nose in the air, thinking you know everything and that your way of living or your political view or whatever, your religion, whatever, or your race is the be all fucking end all, you're not going to have a good time anywhere you go.
All right. That's one to grow on.
That's one to grow on. Anyway, I'm in my new podcast studio the um i'm sitting in my car this is what i do now i sit in the fucking car uh when i do the whenever i do the part and the kids are home i gotta do it in the car because even if i'm in the garage they the way they fucking yell screaming and yelling running around having a good time listening to acdc or god knows what they're doing um it just sort of bleeds into the background um so anyway anyway um so obviously uh we're putting together um a benefit and to try to do something.

And then I've had other people... a benefit and, uh, to try to do something.

Um,

and then I've had other people,

you know,

musicians that are doing their own benefits and stuff like that.

So as always performers,

uh,

you know,

I'm going to fucking do what we do and raise some fucking money and all of

that.

And,

uh, you know, people will still say we're assholes um but it's like any job you know what i mean it's like okay let's let's let's pick a fucking red state we're gonna go with Arkansas Billy Joe what was that guy Billy Ray Smith Arkansas Razorbacks way back in the day so like if they were going to show Arkansas they would find the two dumbest fucking guys they could find with Trump hats on and just let them talk and then they would be like like, this is Arkansas, right? Which it isn't,

but they would say that that's what it is. Right.
And that happens with everything. Like out here

in LA, you know, you saw that, that transitioning firefighter that became all LA fire department,

right? That's what that, yep. That's exactly what it is.
And you've never been here. So you know

what it is. Right.
And then they do that with like the entertainment business the entertainers are defined by the most obnoxious douchebags uh speeches on award shows and they're like that's what that's what they are what show is that there was one of those talk shows a long time ago was it jerry springer i just remember watching that show one of those fucking shows and i was just going this show is so fucking bad for men and women relations race relations all relations because what they they basically had the worst representation of every fucking it was actually it was so fucked up it was like fascinating um we're gonna have a white guy on well we can't just have a white guy let's get a guy in the clan did you watch that fucking documentary about that by the way and that arrogant ass that was like i was like no this is great television. Like that guy where he just acted like he was around the corner and we were all trying to keep up with them.
It's like, no, dude, you're just showing a fucking shit show. And he was trying to act like what he was doing was like deep.
And it's like, no, you are just you have. you don't give a fuck about anybody.

You don't give a shit about what you're putting out there.

You just want to have ratings and make fucking money.

That's all you want to do.

Oh my God, the fucking ego on that guy.

I had to like shut it off after a while.

It's like, I can't fucking sit there and watch this guy crawl any further up his own fucking asshole.

You would have thought he did Citizen Kane. The way he's sitting there talking about himself.

Anyway, I mean, you know, that show just was not at the level of some of my shit jokes.

All right. Sorry.
This is a fucked up podcast. I'm a little loopy right now.
Um, I've talked all day promoting a special that isn't coming out for another fucking 60 days. I'm a little confused on that, but I don't pretend to understand any things anymore.
I I'm getting into my, I feel like a grandpa, grandpa, go over here and just sit down. What is it, Flash? You know.

So, anyway, what's coming up this weekend?

We got more playoffs.

Playoffs is always the weirdest thing.

Oh, look at that.

Nice couple.

Nice couple going for a fucking walk.

You know. You know, studies have shown people that hike together are 80% more likely to stay together

Thank you. You know, studies have shown people that hike together are 80% more likely to stay together than people who jog sharing a treadmill.
Because it's like they're both jogging but not at the same time. So there's a disconnect.
There's a desensitization. there's always those people out there just like anything that you're fucking into you know i'm down to a cup of coffee like that's literally my vice every fucking day i don't even fuck with sugar anymore okay i got nothing like coffee is all i have and now everybody is on the fucking internet talking about when you go to get a cup of coffee you now got to bring your own glass cup because the paper cup is plastic lined in the heat of the coffee causes microplastics to get into your drink that for some reason you don't you don't't pee or poop it out.
It goes to your brain,

which I don't understand. Is that because it's just completely foreign, like trans fats,

like your body doesn't know what to do with it? Like trans fats, your body's like,

I don't know what to do with this. So it just stores it in your belly.

Like junk mail. Like why don't you just throw it out? I mean, I thought God was like, this is my problem with God.
He fucking makes things that make trans fats that then go into something that he made that it now doesn't know how to deal with it. And if this guy was all-knowing, he would know that some of the people that he was making were sociopaths and they would poison the food supply to the point you can't even get a cup of coffee without having plastic stuck to your fucking brain.
Why would he make people like that? I'm asking, I'm seriously asking that question. I would love to have a debate here.
If you believe in a God that cares, a loving God. And do you subscribe to what religions say that we're all born good people and then bad people make the choice to be bad.

They side with the devil.

You know what I mean? You have all of this science, the enemy of religion. that shows how some people are born and they're just sociopaths and they don't feel anything and they don't have any empathy or anything like that.
They're like born that way. So you didn't choose the devil.
So it's almost like a birth defect. Right? They're like mentally ill or something.
And God made that person. So before the devil

could even talk to him, they were in the fucking womb that was so polluted. They fucking came out

as a baby sociopath. You just don't know because they're going goo goo gaga.

You see what I'm saying? Like, that's the part I don't get.

You know what I mean? Or like, you know, like

Thank you. see what I'm saying? Like, that's the part I don't get.
You know what I mean? Or like,

you know, like,

like serial killers.

They'll be like, that man is the devil. And it's like, no, that man was a baby.

A God created baby and then

became a fucking serial killer.

Like what?

Oh,

dude,

that's a good name for a special for a fat comic.

You just have a giant bowl of cornflakes in front of you with a big wooden

spoon and you're shoving it in your mouth in the name of your,

your special serial killer.

Is that bad? Sorry. Do you know one time I was hanging out with comics? What else would I be doing? And we were trying to come up with the most, I forget why, because somebody had a fucking standup special.
Oh God, this is like 20 years ago. Oh oh what fucking well i wouldn't say it anyways but it was a special that just had this funny fucking name to it which got us all thinking like what's the most you know it was like one of these specials that like somebody named that was it was like arrogant so we were all like laughing at how arrogant that was so we were all sitting around trying to think of the most arrogant name you could come up with for a stand-up special and the one that i remember that made me laugh the most was game over and it's just a picture of you and you have like this fucking look on your face you know like yeah i just did that I just did that shit.
And your hand is open. This is the poster.
And the mic is already dropping to the floor. Game over.
Yo, he just ended the stand-up game as we know it. Anyway.
All right. How much more fucking time do I have? I don't have any advertising you know when you go on TV and you support someone who killed a CEO the advertising starts to dip still was a funny joke though anyway anyway um i'm getting ready to head i'm getting ready to go back ish to get ready to do this play i'm uh i'm excited i'm fucking nervous i'm fucking sad but we're gonna uh i don't know i'm gonna figure all of this shit out so anyway i don't have i I don't even have any fucking advertising.
I still got nine more. I'm fucking sad.
But we're going to, I don't know, I'm going to figure all of this shit out. So anyway, I don't have, I don't even have any fucking advertising.
I still got nine more, eight and a half more fucking minutes to fill here. What am I going to talk about? What do you talk about when you talk to yourself? You don't have a fucking guest and you already talked for nine hours today on podcast.
What do, what do you talk about? I will tell you what i'm not excited about is going back to that fucking minus 20 degree fucking weather they're having in new york city not looking forward to that um but that's gonna be weird like living there i have not lived there since 2007 which doesn't seem that long ago to me, but that's 18 fucking years ago. Like someone had a baby the day I left in New York City and that baby is now legally an adult.
Yes, Bill, we know what 18 is. I left 16 and a half years ago, which means if somebody had a baby the day I left, they would be eligible to get their license to drive a vehicle.
Thank you, Bill. Thank you.
I forgot what age you do things in life. Thank God there's a podcast that's tackling these tough subjects.
All right. I don't know.
What am I going to talk? Playoff football here? Who's left? Who the fuck is left? How about the fucking Vikings? Jesus Christ. How about those poor goddamn Vikings fans? I mean, how many times are they going to go 15-1, 14-2, 15-2? Now it's like 15-2 back in the day.
15-1, 14-2. Now they go 15-2.
They weren't even in that fucking game for a second. For a fucking second.'s making all you know what the worst thing is now now that your team not only does your team fucking lose you gotta deal with like the the fucking instagram i gotta tell you man like how you know fucking like the level of funny that regular people are like some of the comments sections.
I even like announcing my just my special on Twitter. Some of the shit people said that, you know, who didn't like me like.
It was fucking hilarious. Even like the just the simple childish ones like, hey, man, my new special is coming out March 14th on Hulu.

Check it out if you got time. And somebody just wrote all Z's.

And I showed it to Nia. I go, Nia, I was cracking up.

I go, look what somebody wrote. And she fucking bursted out laughing.

She goes, that's funny. I'm like, yeah, it's mean it's childish it's completely unnecessary it's everything that makes something funny so um anyway um but that's what i always do i always like fucking i announce something or i put something out and i always read until i get to the first negative one and then i just sort of do the math and hopefully it balances out on the positive side and then you just you just fight you move forward you just try to move forward that's what what you do.
Anyway, I did.

I've been playing a lot more guitar lately.

But you know something?

I did this guy's podcast today.

Because that's the thing I'm worried about.

I'm not even going to be able to play drums when I'm in New York for five fucking.

However long I'm going to fucking be there.

What am I going to do?

And there's this little thing that like Roland makes or something. And it has like, you know, I don't know how many different pads on it.
You can get all these different sounds and you can just kind of play quietly. It was really cool, but still get like, you know, not lose a lot of muscle memory or whatever.
But it was just weird where everything was like set up, but it was also somebody else's setup, like where they had like the hi-hat and where they had the snare drum and that type of shit. So it's like they had the hi-hat to the right where you would have your ride cymbal.
So then what was weird is if you wanted to play like 16th notes using two hands because the snare was to the left you then had to lead with your left it's kind of bizarre to be honest with you um but it gave me hope i goes all right you know maybe that that could be like my little drum outlet so i don't forget everything that uh that i learned but in the meantime i think i'm just gonna play um a bunch of guitar i started, you know what's so fucked up is how your phone listens to you.

I was talking to somebody.

Oh, Dave Kushner.

Dave Kushner, who has his own master class.

And I was like, Dave, do me a favor.

Just show me a guitar lick.

Give me something that sounds cool that's easy.

So you show me this little three note thing, right?

And I was talking to him and he was just talking about music theory theory and stuff and we're just sitting there talking about that shit and next thing you know next thing you know what happens uh i get all of this shit on my instagram about music theory which to me nothing nothing scares the shit out of me as far as like, or no, I can't say scares the shit out of me. The ocean's the big one.
The fucking, like, just that whole idea of musical theory. That there's these theories about music.
And music to me has always felt like it's not on a piece of paper that it just sort of like I remember somebody describing uh Stevie Ray Vaughan's playing and was saying he was just like this open channel he was just tapped in you know to something and it was like the music was the the the ideas were coming from above him and just flowing through him like that's how i picture how people make music i don't feel like it's like well uh if you just look at the guitar and you start viewing it as rather than six strings it's two strings and what you notice is that the same two notes on the E and the A are then going to be move up two frets to the D and the G. And then it's three frets for the bottom one.
And it's just like, oh, my God. Oh, my God.
That's amazing. You just took all the fun out of this.
no but i i do think it's like a good thing to to try and understand the guitar like fretboard because it's just it's always been a fucking mystery to me and how these people can find notes you know it's always been amazing to me um but like you know i don't know to me like that immediately like, you know, like when people like try to break down stand up comedy and they're just going like, well, see what he's doing there is that's called a reversal. He's doing a reverse.
He's doing this and then he reverses it on you. And then the crowd's like, oh, oh, where is he going with this? And then he says that and that he's he's creating tension.
He's building this tension that he's like a balloon. It's like a balloon that is like, what the fuck are we talking about here? How do we go from fucking two guys walk into a bar to you talking about a balloon that's about to fucking burst.
Yeah. Like you're fucking explaining why people laugh.
Like, I don't know. To me, that's like one of the most dangerous things ever.
Like if I ever stop and think, I've done it. I've been on stage and I started thinking.
Sometimes I, you know, I just feel like I'm talking, right? But every once in a while, I get outside myself and I'm like, everybody's laughing right now. This is kind of weird.
I just feel like I'm just talking about what I think about this. Why are they laughing? The second I think that, the second I think that, the laughter starts trailing off.
I don't know what I'm talking about. Christ, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore alright so I gotta get the cardio in when I'm not doing this fucking neighborhood watch guys it's so fucking funny what a neighborhood watch people they just drive up and down the street in a van I wonder what they think about you know God it's gotta be boring just driving around the same fucking neighborhood then what happens if a house gets broken into do you get to yell at them the fuck are we paying you for they drive by it like fucking 20 miles an hour.
So it's just like, what are you doing? You're just driving around. Maybe it's, it's presence, police presence.
Is that what they're trying to do? I have no idea. Anyway, I'm hoping the wind dies down out here and um we can go back to uh you know a little more of a normal life and then those of us who got lucky can help out those who didn't and that we don't politicize the whole thing we don't play the blame game or anything like that.
I mean, what the, I mean, it's so stupid. I mean, if you really want to get into this, this whole fucking city shouldn't even be here.
Going back hundreds of years. Why are you going to blame people now for this inevitable thing that we all knew was going to happen? That we all knew, by the way.
It's funny how certain people are trying to take credit.

Like, you know, I said that was going to happen.

Oh, did you?

You were the one who said it?

I've been coming out to LA since

1994. And since 1994,

they said, if the right fucking set

of circumstances, this fucking thing's going to

you know, it's going to happen.

The big earthquake,

you're going to fall into the ocean, like all of that that shit they've been saying that since i've been out here but uh somehow it gets you know attributed to like one person um which is which is amazing my favorite thing is is the cleaning up why didn't you clean? Why didn't you pick up all the sticks, man? Had you just picked up all the sticks, then what? The trees wouldn't catch on fire? I don't understand. Trees are still flammable, whether there's sticks around them or not.
Embers are still going to go miles and miles and miles in a hundred knot wins i don't fucking get it i mean but i don't know shit about fires maybe i'm fucking wrong but like uh you know i mean the reality another thing too like maybe everybody out here we should stop you know we should just start having like you'll see people out here they have like the uh they only have plants that are indigenous out here so their front yard looks like roadrunner and coyote you know can cacti catch on fire i have no idea but i can guarantee you somebody who doesn't live in a state with cacti knows the answer to that and is a hundred percent sure of themselves. Um, whatever.
Um, I don't want to get involved in that. I just really feel like when things like this happen, uh, I just fucking hate how it always becomes the fucking rich people.
All they fucking do, all these news channels do, all they ever fucking do is try to keep us fucking divided. It's unbelievable.
It was a fucking fire. People are homeless.
They need help. The fuck are you talking about Democrats and Republicans? Sorry, I had to get that out.
All right. So I think we're putting together a benefit.
and that's going to happening in the end of January, right before I head out to New York. And, you know, unlike what a lot of people who don't live here, they don't realize there's a bunch of great people out here in L.A.
People that are from California, people that moved out here. People in show business.
People not in show business. They're fucking great people.
And they're your fellow countrymen. So don't let these fucking news channels make you hate your own fucking people.
All right. That's it.
Okay. Enjoy the music picked out by Andrew Themelis.
And we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts.
Yeah, that's it. All right, I'll see you.
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, January 16th, 2017. What's going on? How are you? How are you, everybody? And happy Martin Luther King Day to everybody.
You know, happy Martin Luther King Day. You know, for those of you that mean something to you, for those of you who just, yeah, you know, it's another day off.
It's just like when it's Georgie or Amy's birthday in February. Do we get those days off? Huh? The two whiteys there? The two whiteys in February.
I believe it's in February, right? During Black History Month. You still got a shoehorn, George Washington Day and Lincoln's birthday in there, correct? Then you got another whitey in, whitey! You got another whitey in March with St.
Patrick, huh? You pasty-faced fucking son of a bitch, yeah? Right? Then in April, who do you got? Oh, here comes Peter Cottontail cottontail hopping down the bunny trail right with his old little white bunny ass right then what do you got you got in may who's that is that abe for go today i don't know i run out somewhere around there those are weird the dog days of the year it's like fucking you know uh flag day then i always get memorial day and labor day memorial day is is may right memorial yeah memorial day is in may we recognize all the veterans you know that fought for your freedom so you can sit around eat fucking dip and shit right changing all your fucking vcr tapes over to fucking dvds and then to a little fucking stick whatever the fuck it is you do that day right um and you got july 4th so everybody can go around and fucking you know trade stories about their uncle that blew his fucking fingers off because he never got married he was trying to impress his his nephews and nieces, right? You're so cool, Uncle Jimmy. Right? See? You see that right there, son? You see that right there? That's why I told you, your Uncle Jimmy ain't no fucking good.
All right? So I don't want to quit your crack. All right? I don't want to hear it no more.
We ain't going over Uncle Jimmy's. Okay? He there with loose fucking women, and he's playing with them firecrackers.
All right, so that's July 4th. Then August.
August is kind of like a month that's up for grabs. No Jewish holidays.
No, hey, remember Jesus did this for you? What do you say there, Muslims? What do you got? You got something that month? How about you, Buddhists? Buddhists don't give a shit, right? They're like, hey, man, like every day is for everybody. And it's just like, as long as we're sitting around and feeling the breeze, that's what I'm trying to be.
You know, I'm trying to be that person. Today was going to be my 10th day in a row to meditate, but I didn't.
I woke up late and I had to take my lady over to the doctors, and I just got up late. I had this fucking weird-ass dream, too.
I had this weird dream where I went out my back porch, and I was watching these helicopters flying in formation and dive bomb in my neighborhood. I was like, what the fuck are they doing that for? And then one of them lost control, and I had this weird view from my house that I've never had before.
And it was just basically the cockpit, you know, and the engine, that part and the skids. No main rotor, no tail, no tail rotor, nothing else.
And for some reason, it wasn't tipping over and falling to the ground like a fucking trash can. Or most likely inverting.
It just fucking, it just went straight and it sort of landed and i ran down there i was in my underwear because you're always in your underwear and in your dreams right you never have your pants on it's so fucking weird there's always with mine there's always that level of humiliation no matter what's going on i can't find my pants right um anyway so the fucking thing lands so i run up and then i'm thinking like wait a minute do i want to see the carnage that is in there and then all these people showed up with like cell phone cameras and stuff and i was standing there in my underwear and i ran home that was that there you go there's your dream to interpret for the week all right because i'm not going to therapy anymore because I spent enough fucking money, you know,

with somebody daydreaming with a goddamn notebook, right?

And none of them ever look like that brought on The Sopranos,

let's be honest, right?

Yeah, so I started, I woke up late, all right?

So I need to fucking relax, quiet my mind,

make it more of a still pond.

Whenever a rock falls into the pond, what happens? The waters ripple, yes. The waters ripple.
And if too many rocks fall in, what happens? There starts to be a storm. And this is what I want you to pay attention to today, during today's meditation.
Is your brain a still pond? Or can you hear the screaming, watery death of 1,200 passengers going under the water of your mind? Sorry, I lost it. I don't know what the fuck I was talking about.
Anyways, I owe some apologies this week. Apology number one, I owe an apology to the fucking Atlanta Falcons.

I owe an apology to the Houston Texans.

I owe an apology to Meryl Streep, evidently, according to Twitter, according to one person.

All right, let's start with the Seattle Seahawks, right?

You know, I thought those were going to be the dirty, filthy, stinking, disease-carrying birds that were going to win that game. I said last week, and I kind of quote, you know who got off easy this weekend? The New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks.
Because the Cowboys and the Packers are going to beat the fuck out of each other. and the Steelers and the fucking Chiefs are going to beat the shit out of each other, right? And then all we got to do is play the winner, assuming that these two teams were just going to waltz to the AFC and NFC championship game as if that is a given.
Well, let's start with the Atlanta Falcons falcons i picked the wrong dirty birds uh very impressive

win and um i know seattle fans are gonna be like we had some major injuries which they did coming into the game and then they lost another guy i understand that okay i i totally understand that seattle fans you're 100 right christ i can hear you crying from here your stadium is so loud oh my, my God, are those Seattle Seat? They're so fucking loud. I'm so sick of ESPN fucking, like, just ignoring that entire fact.
They just don't. Do you know what it is? You know what it is? They can't.
They have the ability to separate themselves from the truth. That's what I really respect from ESPN, is they can just separate themselves with truth.
And just go for the fucking money. They don't give a shit.
About what's right. Or none of them give a fuck.
They're just saying shit. To say shit.
So idiots like me. Get upset.
And yell at their fucking TV. And keep watching.
And then what do they do? They get some more haberdashery. Right? They get a bigger fucking.
Whatever the fuck it is they're after over there. A new TITAC.
I don't know. I don't know what motivates people that want to sit around in suits talking about sports.
Why do they wear suits, by the way? Can anybody explain that to me? Why are they all sitting there like they're on meet the press when they're talking? I just, I don't fucking understand it, you know? And it's contagious.

Talking, standing in a fucking suit,

talking about sports is so fucking contagious.

Ben Roethlisberger, Ben, Big Ben, I ain't wearing no fucking helmet

when I ride a motorcycle,

showed up, dressed, dare I say,

dressed to the fucking night.

He looked like a million bucks

from the fucking neck down.

his

Thank you. ride a motorcycle showed up dressed dare I say dressed to the fucking night he looked like a million bucks from the fucking neck down his suit was fucking sharp he had a pocket square the tie the shirt the whole fucking thing he was killing it okay OJ would have got off this a second time if he wore that fucking suit he had on Sunday however from the neck up he just look at him going this guy crushes a 12-pack while eating all right of french fries.
I know he does, okay? You know what he looked like? He looked like a guy, he looked like a convicted drunk driver trying to get his license back. Now, you promised me you're not going to do this again.
Yes, Your Honor, absolutely. I've seen the error of my ways, you know, still all puffy.
I'm fucking with you. I love Ben Roethlisberger.
But seeing him in a suit, you know, he was all grown up. I'm proud of him.
So my apologies to the Atlanta Falcons. And I'm not going to know anybody's fucking names.
Okay? I don't know anybody's names. I know Julio Jones and I know Sherman.
You know, Julio Jones made look, he made him look, I would never say regular because Sherman is the shit. He made him look a little bit.
And I've never seen him do that because that guy still shuts down his part of the fucking field. All right.
And he made him look kind of, you know, this guy's pretty good. He's got some pretty good footwork there.
And also I thought when Cam Chancellor came up, well, he usually just fucking lays the fucking lumber. Julio Jones dropped his shoulder, absorbed the shit, and dare I say, I'm not going to say he put Cam on his back, but it was not an issue that Cam hit him, and that really surprised me.
And I don't know. I don't know any of the fucking names i'd say atlanta's fucking running back whatever the fuck his name is uh the one who doesn't pretend to eat cereal whenever he fucking gets a few yards that's the cowboys one he gets up you know you know geez you ever seen a guy campaigning harder to get a lipton soup ab you know is that guy who used to be on the giants and then did the show at that little cutie pie in the morning and then for some reason left that show to be one of 19 with the guy who used to run fucking Clinton's campaign.
Isn't George Stephanopoulos on a morning show right now? Like that guy's got to be like, what the fuck? What happened? What? 25 fucking years ago, I was dealing with the Russians. i'm fucking sitting here on pancake wednesday acting like i'm excited about this shit sitting on this fucking couch you know what the worst parts of those shows are is the way they decorate the coffee table you know i can't imagine trudging in there every fucking day to do that show like what fucking monkey suit are they putting you in today you know girls have to have their sassy i'm a morning person outfits you know the guys have to have that uh you know i'd show up and uh you know i'd turn the whole fucking paycheck over to you wouldn't pull some angela's ashes shit to you and go to the pub instead they got to have that fucking look you know what i mean um why did strahan leave that show with that little cutie pie what the fuck is her name i saw once in real life she's fucking smoking smoking hot right it was just the two of them they had a great time right she'd come out on his shoulder like a parakeet he'd do the monologue she'd giggle along and they had the whole fucking thing it was just the two of them just the two of them making heaps of fucking cash just the two of them and then for some reason he leaves that show michael strahan arguably one of the most successful people you know people look at mark cuban they go i mean here's a guy you know he didn't have any fucking money he Starts some internet company.
Makes a zillion dollars. Then he buys an NBA team.

Right? You know, people look at Mark Cuban and they go, I mean, here's a guy, you know, he didn't have any fucking money. He starts some Internet company, makes a zillion dollars that he buys an NBA team.
Right. He starts to go bald.
He gets the fucking hair plugs. He goes to Vegas.
He's at a rave. You don't know where this guy's going.
He's got his own fucking jet. Everybody thinks this is the guy.
This is the next fucking Bill Gates guy. He's on Shark Tank.
OK, he's having people coming in who can barely afford the gas in their lawnmower, and he's listening to their ideas and then owning them and then taking them and not giving in. You know, what guys like that do, right? I don't know why I'm picking on this guy.
He's just funny to me, right? I don't know where I'm going with this. Everybody thinks he's the next Bill Gates.
And meanwhile, you got Michael Strahan. Okay.
Who came up from the hard streets of somewhere. I don't know where he came from, but I know he's African-American.
So I know his streets weren't soft. Right.
When was the last time you saw an African-American make it? And they said they did not come from hard streets, that he came from soft streets. streets you never see that you do not there are no soft streets on that side of the fucking fence so he came from the hard streets i'm where are we gonna put that he doesn't seem like a new york guy he seems like a pennsylvania dude i don't know where the fuck he came the hard streets of harrisburg pennsylvania allentown i don't know where the fuck he came from whatever he fucking makes it, okay? He becomes a fucking superstar, right? He deals with Tiki Barber and whatever the fuck he was trying to do, you know, throwing the ball all over the carpet, retires early.
They get him out of the way, goes into the Super Bowl. No, whoa, whoa, whoa, back up.
Fucking gets the sack record, right? You know? And his last one, of course, was the most impressive.

Brett Favre's run on that was the precursor to the butt fumble.

It's the exact same body motion,

except he didn't run into a giant offensive lineman's ass.

He just came in and just sort of laid down, all right?

Then, if I remember correctly, where the fuck did they go?

They went somewhere on the road and won.

Then they went into Green Bay and won. And they went into Dallas and won.
I might have those two flip-flopped. And then they went to the Super Bowl, played the 18-0 New England Patriots, and they fucking kicked the shit out of them on the offensive line.
Won on the last fucking play of the game, okay? And wins the fucking Super Bowl. And then you think that's it.
Oh, now he goes in. Oh, he's a broadcaster.
He's fucking killing it. But, you know, a lot of guys done that.
Howie Long did it. Terry Bradshaw did it.
Fucking O.J. Simpson did it.
Everybody fucking did it, right? That's just what you do. If you can actually fucking talk about the game, and you can put on a goddamn suit, then he does the unprecedented.
Okay? A visionary move that not even Mark Cuban could come up with. he decides that, you know what, I am the next logical choice to take over for fucking Regis Philbin, right, I mean, I did a whole bit about Arnold Schwarzenegger one time, about all of his accomplishments, I would put Strahan right there, okay, and then he fucking, what does he do, what does he do, he gets, everything's going great going great for whatever fucking reason he decides to join the partridge family on some other fucking morning show it's going to be the same shit standing around watching somebody cook something right talking about how some fucking person just had their 105th birthday why would you want to be over there with all of those fucking asshats? You know, all of those different personalities.
You know, someone's going to be a cunt, right? You could have just stayed at your other show. Have you ever heard somebody waste more time talking about something that nobody gives a fuck about in your life? I don't know what the hell that was.
That was 10 minutes on Michael Strahan. All right.
Probably like six, but it felt like 50 um so my apology to the dirty birds down in Atlanta I I apologize for disrespecting your team I didn't realize how good you guys were I wrote you guys off again at the beginning of the game when I heard you had the you know you scored the most points but were the worst in the league in the red zone I'm like well the over. The game's fucking over.
So you run up a bunch of points during the regular season against 90% of the teams that are not going to make the playoffs. So that's out the window.
And then meanwhile, you couldn't stop 100% of these cunts in the red zone. Right there, that's a formula for disaster.
And what did they do? They went out. They beat Seattle so bad.
There wasn't one point during that game. I think on the first drive, I saw Pete Carroll one time went, woo! And that was it.
That was it. Oh, man.
I love Pete Carroll, man. He's a fucking great coach.
You know he was fucking pissed when they lost. Oh, he was fucking pissed.
Can you imagine his family dog? He seems like he'd have a little one too, just standing there quivering in the corner. Pete walking around with his ridiculously white brand new socks, walking across his carpeted floor.
That's what he seems like to me, right? Has on his fucking Docker PJs. That dog just got a little too close.
You know, I don't understand why we didn't shut up down defense and fucking thing goes flying into the fireplace um anyways he's probably a cat person who knows and my apology to the texans the houston texans who without jj fucking hawats and a rookie quarterback hung with the New England Patriots for three and a half fucking quarters. Yeah, I was not impressed with us.
I don't think any Patriot fan was. We'll see.
We'll see. I hope that's not.
I think I'm just hoping our offensive line had a bad game. Everybody just had a bad fucking game.
If you're going to have a bad game, you might as well do it against a team that's missing their best offensive player and has a brand new guy quarterback. So maybe we got away with one.
I have no fucking idea. All I know is we're playing Pittsburgh next week, and I have no fucking confidence in that, despite the fact Pittsburgh, I don't know what they did.
They kicked six field goals, which is essentially, I don't know. If you just went on field goals, you might as well have somebody out there on like those figure skates, you know, dressed up like Yogi Bear or some shit.
It was like some ice capade shits, but they did it. You know, they beat Kansas City.
I didn't see one second of the game. I watched the beginning of the Dallas Green Bay game.
And then my wife wanted to go to the movies. So I took her to the movies and I'm like, all right, I'm recording this game record the fucking steelers kansas city game i saw hidden fucking figures and then i came back right and i'm like all right you know my wife's taking a bath everything's fucking cool i go to pop on the green bay dallas game and i didn't fucking record it let me say it Again, I didn't fucking record it.
it it was it sounded like an insane half and and fucking hats off to that fucking dude crosby who i'm telling you right now that was some adam vinatieri shit i never even seen vinatieri hit that many 50 yarders in one fucking game forget about hitting one getting iced and then he's to kick it again. The guy kicked like 200 yards in field goals in like four attempts or some shit like that.
That's the kind of guy, that's the kind of guy right there, you give me a fucking little joke. That's the kind of guy who can win you a championship right there.
Because you got fucking Aaron Rodgers. Now all he's got to do is just get you close.
And old Twinkle Toes comes running out with balls the size of the fucking stadium and gives him the old right there, Fred. Right there in old Big D.
Do you realize how much fucking ass he got after that game, even in Dallas? You know those Dallas women with their fucking Botox and the same amount of makeup as an 80-year-old who can't admit that she's old. You know they all came running out, right? Took their hats off hats off take their boots off you know they all dropped to the knees and their designer fucking jord ass jeans you ever been to dallas this is this they're so far behind in the styles you wouldn't even think that there's the internet anymore they all dress like dallas is still on tv the tv show you know i'm not saying they don't really do that but the the through line of that is still there.
There the TV show. You know, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

I'm not saying they don't really do that,

but the through line of that is still there.

There's a lot of Larry Hagman in that city

with a dash of dead JFK.

That is Dallas.

And there's a lot of shiny fucking four-door pickup trucks.

You know, I don't know who they're driven by,

but, you know, I think you got to get on the outskirts

to get to them ranchers.

They got them longhorns walking and stomping around in the back.

Thank you. you know, I don't know who they're driven by, but, you know, I think you got to get on the outskirts to get to them ranchers.
They got them longhorns walking and stomping around in the back. And my apologies to Meryl Streep, evidently.
Somebody had a hissy fit on the fucking Twitter telling me that I am a typical, what did he say, postmodern cynic, where I just criticize and I offer no solutions, which is hilarious to me. It's like, okay, so in your world, Meryl Streep and myself should be coming up with problem-solving things.
I just tweeted the guy back. I just thought I was a comedian making fun of shit.
I didn't know I was a postmodern cynic. Yeah.
Some people, the level of credit that they give people who don't even watch the news is just fucking beyond me i i had to go to summer school every year of high school except sophomore year because my teacher hooked me up with a d minus and my senior year i just didn't give a fuck and didn't go you know what are you gonna do i'm done it's over i'm a loser all right i am on I am on my way to Applebee's to wash dishes. Thank you very much.
All right.

So. It's over.
I'm a loser. All right.
I am on my I am on my way to Applebee's to wash dishes. Thank you very much.
All right. So I know way too much football.
How about some hockey? Just one quick mention. All right.
Did anybody see Adam McQuaid's fight when they fucking against Nashville? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.
I don't know the name of the guy he fought, but that guy's got fucking balls bigger than my giant head anybody's got the balls to drop the gloves I'm not shitting on the guy just Adam McQuaid that fucking guy can fight he was like what guys what guys what guys and then the guy ducked down and he fucking didn't I thought it was an uppercut then when I watched slow motion I think it might have been a hook i don't know it just reminded me in a very very junior way of when clark gillies fucking broke that guy's face he was pounding this guy so bad the guy just ducked down and right as he ducked down gillies just went uppercut and his fist was big enough to cover the guy's whole face and it was like it's like it was like he punched a glass coffee table and this guy just went he like straight down like when they pull a building you know um and the first time i noticed that that guy could fight was uh he beat the fuck out of ralphie torres when he was playing with uh phoenix coyotes i'll have links to those fights, but that's our,

I guess he is our enforcer now,

and what's great is he's a fucking unbelievable defenseman too.

So that's it.

Celtics, what are we doing?

We're doing what we always do.

We beat the pretenders and we can't beat the contenders.

That's our deal and enough sports.

All right, let me,

should I read a little bit of advertising for you?

Huh? But evidently, I guess you have to apologize to Meryl Streep, you me, should I read a little bit of advertising for you? Huh?

But evidently, I guess you have to apologize to Meryl Streep, you know, because I guess I preach also on my podcast, which is the same as hijacking an award show, right?

Did Meryl Streep once say, hey, I'm a fucking moron.

What do I know?

I don't think she did.

All right.

Oh, Billy Streep.

Okay.

Here we go. Let's read a little.

Oh, Jesus.

Here we go.

I'm not going moron. What do I know? I don't think she did.
All right. Oh, Billy Streep.

Okay, here we go. Let's read a little.
Oh, Jesus. Here we go.
All right. There's two more reads, and I'm seeing double, so I'm going to take a fucking break here.
All right. Okay.
What do I want to talk about here? Oh, you know, I was watching the, speaking of Cadillacs. Oh, yeah.
Elvis Presley.

I was watching the Mecham Autumn.

Autumn? Oh, you know, I was watching the, speaking of Cadillacs, oh yeah, Elvis Presley, I was watching the Mecham Autumn, Autumn, Autos, wait, I'm trying to open these fucking blinds.

Jesus Christ, come on, for fuck's sakes, how hard does this have to be?

There you go.

Shed a little light on the subject.

I was watching one of those Mecham automobile auctions, and I gotta tell you, I'm fucking over the muscle cars. I love muscle cars like any other red blood American.
You know? Any red blood fucking American. I like those fucking cars, but every fucking one, it's the same thing.
We got some Mopar power coming up. Of course you do.
Oh, really? Does it have a Hemi? Is that a Shelby? It's the same. And what it basically is, is that it's the same fucking, like 20 muscle cars.
What are you going to have? What are you going to have? You know what you're going to have. You're going to have a Shelby Mustang.
You're going to have the tri-powered fucking Corvette. Right? You're going to have the fucking, and you're going to have a shelby mustang you're going to have the tri-powered fucking corvette right you're going to have the fucking you're going to have a gto you're going to have a fucking uh all that mopar fucking hemi shit that i never got into i was never a chrysler dodge guy plymouth guy i don't like the barracuda right they're going to have a fucking uh challenger they're going to have a Charger.
They're going to have a Super B. They're going to have the fucking whatever that Z28 was that they only made fucking 10 of them.
They're going to have one of those. It's the same fucking cars over and over again.
And meanwhile, here's my question. Where the fuck are all the trucks? Do you know? Where the fuck are all the trucks? Occasionally, a truck will come across.
Trucks are cool as shit. And where's all those great old man gangster cars? You know? Like the fucking, my favorite one of all time, the 1967 Cadillac Eldorado.
That fucking car, it just go fuck yourself. I love that fucking car.
That's the kind of car, you know what I mean, that you drive when you're either post-divorce or you were smart enough never to get married. Okay? And you're successful, and you're just fucking driving around, and you got a stable of bitches, and you know they don't give a fuck about you.
You don't give a fuck about them. Yeah, they're pay girlfriends.
That's the fucking car you have. You know? And this is the thing.
And rather than secretly being lonely and empty inside, you're actually fulfilled because you own that car. You are the closest thing to the most interesting man in the world.
You know, that's stay thirsty, my friends. You

ever seen a woman in his life? You see women, women in his fucking life. You know what I mean?

You never see him at a fucking dance recital with his fucking rugrats. Anyways, I fucking love that

car. The most gangster fucking car.
And then I also like the 65, Jesus Christ, with the clam

Thank you. I fucking love that car.
The most gangster fucking car. And then I also like the 65,

Jesus Christ, with the clamshell fucking open and the headlights there, Buick Riviera.

Okay?

And at some point,

that might be my next car.

I drive the Jag into the ground.

By the way, I sold my Prius today.

Had that fucker for nine years, man.

Poo-hoo.

It's great.

I never did that before.

I never sold it to just a person.

I don't build it. Other than that, I was just like him.
Speaking of which, the debut of Gas Monkey Garage is tonight, and rumor has it that the Bearded Wonder, Aaron is leaving the fucking show, which is, uh, you know, that's like Eddie Van Halen leaving Van Halen, or David Lee Roth leaving, I mean, it's, it's, I am, you know, there's a lot of, I'm interested to see what, what they do with this one. How are you going to, how are you going to make up for that guy? Jesus Christ.
But I'll be tuning in. I'll be tuning in.
Cause that's, that's all the shows out there. That's the best one out there.
And there's so many shows that rip that fucking show off and try to capture that formula.

That's the best one out there.

And I love the shit that they built.

Speaking of trucks, last season, they were saying, you know what? We're all truck guys.

We're all truck guys.

And I'm yelling at the TV.

Well, then fucking make some more trucks.

I remember they made that one for Casey.

They can count it on one hand.

They made the one for Casey.

They made the Chevy. Especially if you get those ones that had the two-tone taint.
Two-tone taint? Jesus Christ. Two-tone paint.
Two-tone paint. I don't even know if I can finish this idea.
Two-tone taint. You know what that is? That's your taint is your normal flesh color.
And somebody tries to kick you in the the balls from behind and they miss. And you get a black and blue mark on part of your taint.
Then what you have is a two-tone taint. All right, two-tone paint.
And they did last year, what did they do? They did like a 1948 or 49 Chevrolet. And they just went all out with the fucking thing.
And it was absolutely fucking, it was just amazing. It's amazing what they do in that show.
And I wish I had the skills. Who knows, someday, maybe someday I'll fucking have the time to find a fucking 67 Cadillac Eldorado, drag that fucker out of somebody's backyard and have somebody like that build a thing for me.
I'm one of those guys too. I would drive it.
I saw one on, I hate people get those fucking cars and they don't drive them. I got one for you if you want to look this up right now.
All right? Look up 1965 Cadillac Eldorado, $45,000. This fucking guy, he's got the best looking one I think I've ever seen.
It has like somebody did a whole body off restoration on it. It has like fucking 33 miles.
He got it when it had like seven miles on it. And then now he's selling it with 33.
And it's just like, why would you i would drive that fucking thing to 200 000 miles unbelievable fucking car um but uh the only part i will warn you when you watch that video when he starts caressing the leather inside the car it gets a little creepy i had to fast forward through it he's like look at that that's fine ital's fine Italian leather. Oh, yeah.
He didn't get that bad, but it got pretty bad. But this fucking guy has got a bunch of them.
Supersportmotors.com. At least he did as of, I guess, two years ago, two and a half years ago, whenever you put this fucking video out.
But if I was going to buy one, I would buy one off of this guy.

Holy fucking shit.

He's got some beautiful cars.

Beautiful Cadillacs.

Anyways, let's plow ahead here.

I think maybe it's time to do a little.

Oh, Trump gets sworn in this week.

He gets fucking sworn in.

I would feel so much better about that guy. It's not the racist people that he's putting in there you know as unsettling as that is i mean everybody's fucking racist you know well that's not true there's different degrees of it but everybody has it even people who are victims of it they have it you look at another group of people you everybody's done that you look people.
You think something like, oh, it's like this. And then you go over there.
Oh, it's actually like that. Wow.
Why did I think that? And it all was in your fucking head. You know, I got to do a bit about this.
I was driving down the street the other day, right? Driving down the street and I see this group of young kids. The school just let out, right? This is not a good sign right here.
I'm driving by a school right when the school got out and I'm caressing my leather. No, I'm driving down the street and these kids are all outside.
It's right around the corner from where I'm playing drums. Here's my alibi.
I swear to God, I was playing drums around the corner. And it's one of those stores that sells all the fucking snacks and shit that you eat afterwards and you get all fucking wired.
So I'm driving by there. And usually I get fucking annoyed because the kids are fucking walking across the street.
They're not looking both ways and all that shit. And then it takes me forever to make a fucking left or right hand turn.
Well, this day they were all up on the sidewalk and I saw this movement. I kind of glanced over and none of the kids were white.
And when I saw this action, I thought I was watching somebody getting the shit kicked out of them, potentially getting beaten into a gang. That's what my brain told me I was watching.
When I looked closer, there was like seven kids standing around, one kid looking at a fucking smartphone, and then some other kids just sort of fucking, you know, doing whatever, running around in the background. Then I was thinking, why the fuck did I just think that? You know? So, before you fucking call all these assholes, all these racist assholes, you know, you gotta get that shit out of your head.
I was thinking, why the fuck did I think that? Part of that is from the shit that I see on TV, right? I think your brain just goes, once it gets stuff down, like how to cereal it just gets it down like okay just grab this fucking put this in here you go fucking cereal you know it it connects from one eye one vision to this this this and it's like a mode of like survival which works but in that instant that didn't work did it i went from that to a couple of fucking Ice Cube videos, whatever gangster rap videos are in my head, shit that I saw on the news, right? I can't say there was fear. There was no fear.
I was just driving down the street, and I looked, and that's what I thought, you know? But I kind of do that all the time. You know, I read a kid's book to my unborn daughter last night, right? It's supposed to make i was reading this kid's book and halfway through the book i realized i didn't i had no fucking idea what it was about so maybe i'm just a moron i have no idea but seeing how what a flawed fucking person i am uh i can't judge uh i can only judge people so fucking harshly right honestly i mean i can trash a fucking meryl stre Meryl Streep.
I can go off on a Donald Trump. But at the end of the day, I'm a fucking lunatic, right? I read a kid's book and I couldn't figure out what it was about.
It was about this fucking caterpillar, all right? And they were like, on day one, it ate an apple. On day two, it ate two pears.
On day three, it ate fucking three plumps, right? So right there, I'm like, all all right this is like reverse christmas story rather

than going like seven swans are swimming six geese are laying it fucking starts with the fucking tree the partridge in the pear tree now it's moving up and it seems to me like it's about eating healthy and food and counting and then it gets up to like 12 or something and then and the just completely abandons its fruit diet, and instead it had a fucking couple slices of pizza, and ice cream, and all this shit, and then it had a big stomach ache, so then I was like, all right, this is about childhood obesity, and I actually lied to that, it never dawned on me that it was about counting. And Nia was like, I finished the book.
The thing turned into a butterfly. And I said, I said, the end.
And I looked at Nia and I said, I have no idea what that fucking book was about. She laughed.
She goes, it's about counting. I go, it's not about not eating junk food.
Because it ate all that fruit and everything was fine. And then it ate all that other shit.
And then it got sick. And she was like crying like crying laughing at me i don't know what that has to do with trump but i really wish that idiot would get off of fucking twitter but he's a fucking mess he said about china it's time to take the gloves off he he's doing that george bush thing where you talk about other countries like you're trying to psych somebody out before a bar fight.
And nothing gets people more excited. You know, that gets morons excited.
Like, yeah, let's have some tough talk. Right.
You fucking idiots. He's like trashing SNL because they're doing sketches about him.
It's just like I don't I don, I don't, he cannot be running his Twitter account. There's no way he's this fucking sensitive or has the time to do this.
Shouldn't he be addressing it? My, my worst fear is that he's going to become president and just deregulate everything so he can build a golf course wherever the fuck he wants to. Like's really that's his idea of making it great again i i hope i'm fucking wrong i have no idea um having said all that still as much as he's a nightmare unbelievably unbelievable joy watching hillary lose oh i love seeing yeah pack your bags okay pack your bags they're, I'm not going to say it.
All right, let's continue on. All right, let's.
I'm off the fucking rails here. All right, 42 minutes in.
Can we read these last two advertising? Then I'll do your questions for the week. All right, Helix.
Helix, hey, by the way, why don't you guys send those in? Send in your, I looked at this, thought it was this way, and then it was another way, but nobody heard me say it, so everybody thinks I'm a great guy. And that goes for non-whities too, because I know you're looking at us or some other group of people, Koreans or some shit or whatever.
I know you're thinking something. All right.
Helix, Helix, all right, you're unique. And I actually, as much as I'm, I'm not really joking around about this shit, but I think that people have to be able to say that they have those fucking thoughts.
I mean, this fucking, uh, progressive left thing where you have to act like you're just walking around going, I don't see color. I don't care if you're black, white, green, or purple.
And it's all of those all of that fucking uh sing-songy

horse shit um even those people even those people like you get them in the wrong situation and the fear comes up they're gonna think something fucked up they're gonna um all right so if you have any of those stories i want to hear i want to hear and then i'll try to i'll try to guess why you think that way okay so i'm guessing with mine, it's the news and all the gangster rap videos that I used to watch. And I'm old, so that was back when you could actually have a gun in the video.
And then also, I think I've watched too many of those life on the inside prison things. You know what I mean? All of those things where you just look at it and go and like i would last 15 seconds in there i've watched all those ones about gangs i've watched the ones about motorcycle gangs it's probably my uh my intake of of television and youtube videos i watch videos of people sucker punching people um bully fails i watch a lot a lot of violence.
Yeah, that's it. Maybe that's what it is.
All right. All right.
That is it. All right.
Let's read some of the questions here for the week and then I can get the fuck out of here. All right.
Team relocating. Dear Billy Brady balls, my NFL team I've rooted for over 20 years is moving to LA.
Parentheses, Chargers. What team should I root for? Patriots are out of the question.
Thanks and fuck the Spanos family. First of all, my condolences.
I remember, Jesus, almost 25 years ago when Robert Kraft first bought the team. And was threatened at some point maybe it was in the in the year 2000 somewhere around then he was fucking threatening to move the team to Hartford if he didn't get his own stadium and shit and that really is one of the biggest you know fuck overs by all of these sports leagues that they they get the cities that we have to pay for their fucking stadium um that's a time when you need a union if you could just have a somehow have a union of all sports fans it'd be like no you fucking pay for it you fucking pay for a new stadium you cunt you know what i mean i go to the ice cream store i have to buy a new fucking store when they want a new store they pay for it but the money they made off of ice cream like how much money do you have to make do you know when i was in fucking indianapolis those poor bastards that live out there i don't know if this is still the case but when i went out there when they were putting uh that lucas oilfield deal together when they were already paying for that they still had not RCA Dome or the Hoosier Dome, whatever the fuck they called it.
They were still paying for that other one. And this fucking cunt made them buy another one.
I haven't said that. I guess I can't get mad at the Spanos family if everybody else is getting a new stadium and he wasn't able to blackmail San Diego diego you know what good for you san diego fuck him you want a new stadium once you pack your bags up and get the fuck out of here but you guys also kind of fucked up the way cleveland did you can't buy one team a stadium and then tell the other guys to go fuck themselves that's like in cleveland when they the jake got built and then uh whatever his fucking name was the fuck was that guy's name everybody in Cleveland when they, the Jake got built.
And then, uh, whatever his fucking name was, the fuck was that guy's name? Everybody in Cleveland screaming it right now. Um, who sounded exactly like, uh, George C.
Scott, exact same voice. Um, yeah, he wanted to stay to me like, yeah, fuck you.
you can stay in that absolute fucking shithole and he left see ya it's not personal just business I keep thinking Goodell I'm a Patriots fan that's all I think when I think of a fucking asshole I just think Roger Goodell yeah that sucks man so who should you vote for you know what I do I would say fuck the nfl if the patriots ever left i would just say fuck the nfl i would be done with it and i would just pick a college team um college football is the shit um you know even though the athletes college sports are great but the athletes get fucked over that they don't get paid the fact that they sell at a000 stadium and then fucking idiots. And it's always non-athletic people who say this.
Oh, they get a free education. Oh, do they? Like they have time to fucking go to class.
You're majoring in football. There's too much money at stake.
And all the nerds that don't like the jocks at the college level, it's like if it wasn't for that football program, you would be going to science class in a fucking tent. 100,000 people are not going to show up to watch you look through a microscope.
Don't ever forget that. All right.
So why don't you fucking put on your lab coat and go figure out how to make a better football cleat? Oh, Jesus, Bill. There was no reason to go that hard, was there? Can't we have respect for all of the arts?

Meryl Streep doesn't.

She doesn't respect mixed martial arts.

Hey, Meryl, why don't you tell us what the arts are?

Jesus Christ, just because there's not a symphony behind it.

You never listen to it, watch NFL film?

That's art.

The music they put behind it.

Warn it, warn it, warn Warn it. Warn it.
Warn it. Warn it.
Warn it. Warn it.
Warn it. Warn it.
Warn it. Warn it.
Warn it. Warn it.
Warn it. Warn it.
Warn it. Warn it.
Warn it. Warn it.
All right. Movie food videos.
Hey there, Billy Eggweights. Saw this guy's videos on YouTube.
He makes food from different famous movies. Oh, that's's pretty cool in this one he makes the big kahuna burger from pulp fiction which is pretty basic but in others he does some cool ship shit from chef one of my favorite movies in the last few years and atcha the cartoon i highly recommend checking a few of them out he makes a couple of sandwiches that would give your grill top some great use.
Ah, dude, that's awesome. Thank you.
Look at that. No question.
Just great information. I guess I never tell you guys you can also do that.
That's fucking cool as hell. I will definitely check that out.
I have been cooking up a fucking storm. You know, because we can't really go anywhere.
Every once in a while, I'll take Nia out to the movies, which this weekend, this past week, I saw Moonlight, and I saw Hidden Figures, and I really like both. Hidden Figures, big Hollywood movie, you know, totally did the job, it was great.
And then I saw Moonlight, which was also great, and my favorite part of that fucking movie now i'm not ruining it no spoiler alert other unless you're into cars was what was annoying was there's this one part where they're showing the main character and they're not showing his fucking car but you can tell it's a nice car i wanted to see the car and then they finally showed it it that was uh i believe it was an 83 to 87 osmobile cutlass and those were those great two doors that they had in the fucking 80s it was you know the the osmobile cutlass the fucking chevy monte carlo and the buick regal those fucking cars are the shit and i know a lot of those southern guys redo them and they put the big tires on them. I don't like the big tires on them, but that's another one.
That's sort of the poor man's fucking Eldorado. But I love those.
And some of the funniest, like guys I knew when I was growing up had those fucking cars. Just anybody who had a car like that was a fucking, was a good shit, as they say in Massachusetts.
You know, and slash a little bit shady. Probably dealing a little bit of weed.
Maybe had a fight last night. Those are all those guys.
They go into a bar and within 10 minutes, they eyeballing somebody and then they got to take their chain off because they're going to get into a fight. Remember that the 80s dude take your fucking chain off we're dogging tonight i think the chain's coming back i think it's making a comeback um anyways really enjoyed both of those movies uh moonlight i really fucking that was it had classic just independent movie where it was like uh it didn't fucking lead you around to the by the nose like and here's the next one and here's the next point and here's the next plot point um really good movie all right uh putin russian hacking all right this guy's writing about russian hacking and he started look it's how we start this guy started his fucking he just started his fucking uh his email to me with look he's already wagging his finger at me Jesus Christ dude relax he says look international politics between two countries with enough nukes to destroy the earth 10 times over is no laughing matter oh am i not supposed to joke about it how come you aren't all over this orange clown i don't understand what this you want jokes about it sure clinton was no prize uh but you're willing to give putin and an out and out gangster a pass well i don't remember him running for president of the United States.
What are you talking about? What kind of world is going to be there for your new child? Oh, shut the fuck up. I fucking hate when people, what kind of world is going to be there for your kid? The same world that was there when I was a kid, progressively getting worse.
Like, what is your fucking solution? There's no solution to this shit. You got 7 billion people all running in fucking 200 million different directions.
It's a shit show. All right.
The second we weren't one tribe, it was over. It's over.
Second, there was two tribes. It was fucking over.
Whenever we started out, right? Let's just say that I don't subscribe that there was a fucking an Adam and an Eve. I think there was a pond and there was a bunch of us that came out of something.
According to Neil deGrasse Tyson, it was the fucking trees. Other people say it was the fucking ocean.
Whatever the fuck it was, there was a bunch of, you can't have a man and a woman banging and then their kids fucking without having major problems. All right, maybe that's why cavemen look like they did.
I have no idea. But whenever we all weren't sort of cohabitating together, but you know what happened is then as we came along, there was no language.
It was just, and all that shit. Of course, there was going to be fucking arguments.
Everybody grunting and groaning. You know, I have no idea.
Like we were fucked. This thing was fucked from day one.
Okay. And I've gone down the rabbit hole of trying to fucking give a shit and trying to, you know, I don't know, get people to listen to my opinion, which probably has 0.1% of 1% of the information that I need to actually make an even remotely informed opinion.
you know what I mean look at all those guys on TV who do it for a fucking living from Bill Maher

to Bill O'Reilly. Okay? Even those guys, as much as they pay attention, are severely handicapped by the fact that they cannot look at top secret documents to kind of, you know, connect the dots.
All you can do is watch the fucking news,

read newspapers,

and try to figure out which one seems to be sort of making sense with what the fuck you're thinking.

That's the best you can do, sir.

So I don't know what you want from me,

but I'll continue reading this.

This isn't like telling jokes to a few millennials

in a strip mall.

It's not funny that Trump and his swamp full of white racist rich men are robbing us blind. I agree with that.
But you realize that Hillary Clinton in 2008, after the banks went under, went and gave them a speech and said, don't worry, I got you guys. aren't those the same rich racist white people?

Isn't that the same rich, racist, white people?

Isn't that the same upper 1% that you're talking about here?

Just saying there, by the way, the upper 1%, no matter who wins, they win.

You understand that, right?

The job pays 500 grand a year.

It takes 100 million to get.

And then they owe these cunts favors. They got them in office.
They through they deregulate stuff they look the other way they grant him government contracts all of that shit and then once they're done being president you watch with obama he's gonna make a fuckload of money going around air quote giving speeches 200 300 grand a night to the exact same fucking people that put them in office. That's just them washing their bribe money.

People with blue ties, red ties, red panties, blue panties.

They all fucking do it.

Except for Jimmy Carter, as far as I can tell. He stopped being president and started going around building houses for poor people.

Everybody else sits around waiting for their fucking library to be built.

Oh, I'm on my soapbox.

Give me a Golden Globe.

All right.

Just saying they are both bad is really dropping the ball no it isn't you have your head in the fucking sand that's what it is you just have your head in the fucking sand um i'm from new jersey and know several small contractors who were shorted by trump and couldn't afford to sue. Right.
And I worked Atlantic city and he had a couple of casinos go under and they got paid dimes on the dollar. I know how that works.
He's a real asshole that doesn't give a shit about the little guy. He's got the track record.
Okay. Okay.
And you're saying Hillary Clinton gives a shit about the little guy, Hillary Clinton, who only swings by the little guy. Whenever she needs votes.
And spends the rest of the time. On fucking Martha's Vineyard.
In her zillion dollar fucking house. That she can somehow afford.
When her husband has only made fucking. At the most 500 grand a year.
She got paid as a center. What does that make? 175 grand a year? They're making less money

than some of the fucking top comedians

in the fucking world,

yet they're worth $200 million.

How do you do that?

How do you do that legally, sir?

Tell me.

Tell me how you do that.

Because you're fucking crooked.

All right?

So there you go.

And here's the thing about Russia spying on us. Fucking relax.
We're doing it to them too. Jesus Christ.
They've shot our planes out of the sky. Us spying on them.
We spy on each other. Abso-fucking-lutely.
You know? That's what we do. Every fucking thing that they're doing, we're doing.
They're fucking with elections. We fuck with elections.
They're fucking with people in power, putting people in power that shouldn't be in power. We do that.
They invade countries. We invade countries.
They think they're right. We think we're right.
At the end of the day, there's you and me sitting in fucking Russia. Regular fucking people.
All right? That's it. It's just the people up top.
They get you all fucking stirred up. You know? I'm telling you.
They get you all fucking stirred up. They're going to get you.
They're going to do this. They're going to fucking do this.
I don't listen to any of it. I don't.
I just sit and I drink scotch and I drink myself into a stupor and I stare at the wall, you know? And I try to figure out why I looked at three non-white kids looking at an iPhone and thought that someone was getting beaten into a gang. When I solve that first, then I'm going to move on to trying to solve the world problems.
When I follow, when I solve the problems in the fucking globe, that is my giant fucking head. I'll move on to that.
And you, sir, if you're really looking for somebody to to solve the world problems you should probably look beyond a comedian doing a podcast where he says cunt every other word and also says how uninformed he is okay so you know there you go agree to disagree but you know if you want meryl streep and fucking uh old fucking billy freckled hands to solve the world's problems i think you're in in trouble. Anybody can give the lip service and be like, I think that's absolutely deplorable.
I didn't vote for the fucking guy. Stop wagging your finger at me.
Plants in the house. Hey there, Billy Ficus.
I want to know how you feel about having plants in the house. Growing up, we always had plants and cacti in our house.
I think they bring a lot of life and color to a room, and it's fun to water and take care of them. I know some people who would never have any plants saying that they bring dirt and bugs in the house.
I tell them that it's because they don't take care and maintain them. You could say the same thing about a dog, saying they shit and bring fleas into the house, but obviously that's due to neglecting and taking care of the dog so do you have any plants in your home do you have any in your home now oh do you like having plants in your home do you have any home plants in your home now um p.s is a total nfl bandwagon fan i'm calling green bay to win it all uh all right um no i don't like plants in the house um i had a plant in my house one time a long time ago when i was a complete loner and i my apartment looked like i was in the witness protection program i was seeing this woman and she got me a plant and immediately i was just like whoa hey this relationship is moving too, and what she was trying to do was to get me to open up, and I remember she got me this plant, and then I had to fucking water it, and I kind of liked it, but then I'd go on the road, and I would come back, and it would be near death, just like, you know, hanging down, you know, staring at its fucking toes, and then I would nurse it back to fucking health.
And I ended up having anxiety. And then one day it finally died and I felt this just ridiculous failure.
And it was a metaphor for the whole fact you're on the road so much you can't sustain relationships. You can't even keep a plant alive.
How are you going keep a relationship or a kid alive it was it was a horrible fucking experience so um i don't mind having in my house if they're like growing like basil or fucking rosemary or some shit some something i can eat you know i'm selfish when it comes to plants like we got a bunch of plants around the house i don't give a fuck about them i'm like yeah why don't we dig these up and put in some fucking avocado trees, some oranges, you know, something that we can eat slash throw at zombies someday. What do you say? Plus, having trees that grow fruit in your yard is a great way to figure out who's your friend and who isn't your friend, especially during the apocalypse when people come over your fence and try to steal your food.
They'll go to the food like moths to a light, and then you can be on your roof and you can pick them off with your fucking,

with whatever fucking weapon you have, right?

I'd go with a bow and arrow.

It's nice and quiet.

Right to the neck.

That was the water.

That was the water.

I mean, the blood gushing out of their fucking, what the fuck, whatever you call it, the fucking artery there. All right, plants in the house.
I already read

that one. Here's the last one.
Hey, Billy, bitch tits. Jesus.
I'm a lady and I listen to your

podcast religiously. I'm 29 years old and I've had roommates since I moved out of my parents'

house when I was 18. I have a history of anxiety and depression.
I found that in addition to

taking medicine, living with people really keeps me in check. In two weeks, I'm going to be moving

in the I have a history of anxiety and depression. I found that in addition to taking medicine, living with people really keeps me in check.
In two weeks, I'm going to be moving into my own apartment and living by myself with my dog. Oh, that's fucking awesome.
That's the best. I loved living alone.
If I had a dog too, that would have been tremendous. Of course, it would have died like the fucking plant.
Right now, I live with two guys. The three of us are super close, but we've lived together for three years, and it's time for us to move out of the frat house and into our own places.
I'm nervous about living by myself because I'm scared that I'm going to isolate myself and fall back into a cycle of depression again. I live in Indy, so the weather is shit right now, which doesn't help.
In the spring and summer, I play intramural sports, football and volleyball. I'm very much a guy's girl, and I't have very many girlfriends.
I don't ever have a ladies night. I'd rather sit at a bar with a beer and watch football or college basketball.
I hate dating. I am straight though.
Do gay people hate dating? I don't know. I would love to get your advice for a lady like me moving in her own apartment for the very first time.
What would you suggest i do to stay social and not sit at home alone watching the indiana hoosiers and downing coors light uh ps tell me i said hi and best of luck to you and me on the new your new baby thanks and go fuck yourself um oh boy you're asking a fucking loner i love when i finally didn't have to have roommates and I lived alone, I fucking loved it. I loved it.
I talked to myself. I talked to the TV.
I had a great fucking time. And I guess I had a level of depression there that I wasn't really aware of.
Well, don't you get enough sort of interaction when the springtime you play intramural sports, football, volleyball. Okay.
So it's the winter time. Um, I don't know.
You want to go sledding? I'm trying to think what the fuck he can do. Is there an adult league snowball fight thing you can get involved in? There's got to be something that you could do.
If you're into sports, why don't you just join a fantasy league with some of your friends? Um, but I, I think what you are is, I think you're a sweetheart and you're a relationship person. You're just afraid to do it.
So that's why you like having roommates. You don't like being alone.
I'm totally guessing here, by the way. I don't fucking know you.
But I think it's time to give Dayton a try. You know? i would do that maybe you're afraid of doing that i would i think this seems like you need to face a fear and look at this living alone as an opportunity thing and that this is the next logical step to finding the person you want to be with in life if that's what you're looking for so i would um embrace living alone and how fucking awesome that is.
And decorate your apartment. Don't do what I did.
You know, have some color in there and all that type of shit. Something upbeat.
And I would become social. I would have people over to your place.

I don't know if you cook.

There's a zillion things you can do.

You just have to make the effort.

I don't know why you don't have many girlfriends, but it sounds like you do have some girlfriends,

so you only need a couple of friends.

I would open up to your friends,

rather than some psycho on a podcast.

Not saying this was a bad move, but it's a nice step.

I would open up to them.

Just say, listen, I'm prone to depression,

so I'm worried that when I live alone

that I'm going to become depressed.

You know, if you'd like to swing by

and watch a game with me,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

I would do that.

I would be open and honest

and maybe go talk to somebody

about your depression

so you don't go down that fucking rabbit hole.

But it's great that you know

that you're depressed

and that you need to do something about it

so that you're way ahead of the game

as opposed to where I was,

where I didn't know I was depressed.

And I fucking, I don't know.

I made a lot of stupid fucking moves for a long time.

All right, that's the podcast for this week.

Thank you so much for listening.

And I'll post that video of that Cadillac Eldorado.

It's fucking beautiful. All right, go fuck yourselves and i'll talk to you on thursday what's up everybody welcome back to the anything better podcast show with your host paul bursey bill burr we got the greek freak out there in Beverly Hills.
And of course, we have Jake the Snake, our injury report guy. Of course, I'm getting a phone call, which I got a decline.
I don't know what everybody's calling me so early for. They want your picks, Paul.
They want your picks. They want my picks.
Wild card weekend started off bad for me, 0-2. Then we picked it up.
up but uh no what do you mean we picked it up i fucking called that fucking charges game you go run the tape back paul you're getting to your little breakfast nook day you run the fucking tape that's the one game i picked wire to wire this year yeah okay but i'm not too proud of myself because i also thought the packers were gonna uh cover against the Eagles. But I'm just saying, my ego was – I thought I was no Sadamus after that first fucking game.
Then the wheels fell off. I was – dude, the Texans surprised me.
I'll tell you what, though. I will tell you what.
Josh Allen and the Buffalo Bills look like world beaters. And you know where I'm going this week.
I called the Bills game, too. I said what would happen.
I didn't just say they won. I literally said San Diego, every fucking year, somebody's on an exercise bike that takes an unnecessary roughness call, they're going to fuck themselves.

That happened.

I got to get credit, Paul, because I suck this year.

I got to toot my freckled horn here.

And then the Bills, I said that's just going to be Josh Allen running around,

taking his helmet off, smiling like fucking Brett Favre in that first Super Bowl.

You did.

You called it.

You did.

All right.

As long as you ignore all my other picks, Paul.

I mean, I had a hell of a Sunday. All right.
Well, before we get into these games, we got to shout out BetMGM. It's the best sports book, best lines out there.
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It is that easy. We are going into division weekend here, and, dude, we got to start with the doozy.
This is going – Wait, can we just for half a second, can you fucking explain to me what happened to the Vikings? Oh, dude. That was, hey, that was a rough one, you know? Dude.
I don't know. Is it Sam Darnold? Some people are saying the coach can't win a big one.
I don't know. The best one that I saw was that they didn't spend a bunch of money on Sam Darnold and they're not locked up like you guys were with Daniel Jones or like the Cowboys are with what's-his-face.
And that they have all of this, as bad as that was, and as much as that was the usual protocol of the Vikings going to the playoffs, they were all excited. They got like 70 million bucks to go fix all of these problems.
But what the fuck is my car doing? All of a sudden, it was like some ghost was stepping on the accelerator. Paul, I'm sitting in my car because fucking everybody's sleeping in the house.
I know that was like interesting to me, like, just fucking every year, dude. I mean, they get their fans all fucking excited, it seems.
They make the playoffs almost every year, and then they just shit the bed. Am I nuts? Or maybe they don't.
No, no, they do. And they were saying that their coach, even two years ago, his first playoff game, when they won 13 games with Kirk cousins, he fucking, they had a horrible game against the giants and we beat them in Minnesota.
And then stamp Donald goes 14 and two or whatever. And then he had a big game against the lions last week and didn't do the game wasn't good.
And then they said, this game wasn't good. So somebody, I heard somebody say a old quarterback, a NFL quarterback goes, dude, that's not us.
He goes, Sam Donald was the fourth problem in that game. He goes.
Yeah, that's, I mean, and he didn't win 14 games. The team won 14.
Right. So I don't know.
But I did think whoever was doing that take on it, that they had $70 million to play with. He goes, it's going to get better.
The winds are coming. And I know that's hard to hear, but it's also like, just because you got 70 million bucks, Paul, doesn't mean you know what to do with it.
No, a hundred percent. Yeah.
You can get a hundred million with the talent with that 70 million. You can make $70 million worth of fucking mistakes.
Yeah. Yeah.
Um, I think it's the Herschel Walker trade, Paul. I think there's still some leftover from that.
Sorry. All right.
I'm not going to derail this anymore. Dude, Lamar Jackson is insane.
The Ravens are insane, and so are the Bills. And they are facing off with the line is one.
As I always say, Bill, what do I say? It's a pick them. It's one.
It's one. I don't even know who's minus one.
Andrew, is it the Bills minus one? I think it's the Bills minus one. Either way.
Yeah, it's the Bills minus one. Bills, Ravens.
Ravens minus one, Bills plus one. All right, Jake the Snake.
What do we got injury report, buddy? Hey, injury report-wise, it's not too bad. Everyone likes to play for the playoffs.
The one to look out for is Zay Flowers. He missed last week, the Ravens' number one receiver.
Hopefully he comes back this week. And then A.J.
Brown didn't practice. It was kind of the same thing.
Last week he didn't practice all weekend and he played. And then on the commanders, their best defensive player, Bobby Wagner, didn't practice yesterday.
So those are kind of the ones to look out for. But it's playoffs.
A lot of people are playing, you know. Hey, Paul, am I crazy? The Bills and the Ravens are kind of the same team to me.
Where they've kind of underachieved. Like, neither one of them seems to be able to get past one another or the Chiefs or whatever.
So I think that that's why this game is a pick-em. Because sometimes the Bills look like world beaters.
And then other times they look like they can't get out of their own way. And I know the Ravens have had, you know, issues with that during the Lamar Jackson era.
If I can just use some fucking sports speak there. But historically speaking, I mean, I got to go with the Ravens.
Historically, because they still have the same head coach. And I feel like, you know, the end of the day, gun to your head.
I got to go Ravens because I just feel that, you know, with Harbaugh, he's been there.

He's won a Super Bowl.

He knows how to get what he needs to get,

and I feel like the Bills have yet to figure that out.

It's funny you say that because I actually like Josh Allen in this game

to get over the hump by one, but it really is. Let's go up against each other.
I like the Ravens. All right.
I like the, I like the bills and I think anything can happen in this game. I think this is why this game is so intriguing to me.
These are the only two teams that when one team scores a touchdown, the other one's coming right back with a touchdown. This is going to be, I love the over in this game, but this is going to be a great game.
I think it's going to be the best game of the week. Bill's got the Ravens getting one.
I'll tell you something, Paul, somebody's scoring a touchdown and then somebody else going down, scoring a touchdown. And another guy going down, that's not fucking football.
That's marketing.

That fucking Bill's Chiefs playoff game from a few years ago was one of the worst football games I've ever watched.

That looked like I was watching like Tom Cruise, all the right moves.

It wasn't football.

It wasn't any tackling.

There was no fucking defense.

Paul, when was the last time a defense had a nickname?

Legion of Boom. And that was all steroids.
Legion of Boom. It should have said fucking...
Their logo should have been Dwayne Reed. Just have four of the defensive players standing in line with old ladies at a fucking cbs pharmacy pharmacy uh all right so bill has the ravens i have the bills minus one here's here's something that i don't know if you guys are seeing but um as much as philadelphia is doing great the fact that they don't like and this is a, I found out from some good sources.
But also he kind of says it in the first. According to my sources, Paul Mersey.
A.J. Brown, well, A.J.
Brown said it at his locker every week. A.J.
Brown can't stand Jalen Hurts. They don't talk.
They don't like each other. They asked A.J.
Brown, what's the problem this week? And A.J. Brown looked and said the passing game.

Then when they bring up Jalen Hurts, he says no comment.

And your boy Paulie has a little source that knows that there's a little

broken relationship there.

I don't like that going into Detroit, right?

I mean, they got to play Detroit.

Is that?

They play the Rams.

Oh, they play in the Rams.

I don't know how much money do they have to fucking pay you that you can get along with your fucking teammates? Exactly. Great point.
Exactly. Jesus fucking Christ.
He's not giving me the ball enough. Exactly.
Fucking wide receivers. Let me ask you a question.
When is the last time you've heard of a riff or a broken relationship in a team and that team went on to win it all? 78 Yankees. Exactly.
Exactly. The first thing I thought of Billy Martin and Reggie Jackson.
Okay. That's the year I was born.
Exactly. Oh no.
Kobe and Shaq didn't like each other. Yeah.
Kobe and Shaq. Kobe and Shaq didn't like each other.

Yeah, Kobe and Shaq.

Kobe and Shaq didn't like each other.

There's a few.

There's always an example, Paul.

There's an exception.

Hey, Paul, it's better than exceptional.

You know, look, the Eagles at home against the Rams, that's a tough one.

You know what? Like, who the fuck are the Rams, by the way? They look like dog shit earlier in the year, and now all of a sudden they're looking like when they made their Super Bowl run. Dude, the last four weeks, and dude, Matt Stafford looked amazing.
Looked amazing. Yeah, they've been a victim to the injuries every week, kind of up and down, middle of the year.
They had nobody. Sorry.
Yeah, wide receiver. I guess that's what it was.
All right, so we're going backwards. We're going from the bottom game to the top game.
Bill's got the Ravens. I got the Bills.
I'm going to take the Rams. I'm going to take the Rams getting six in philadelphia i'm not saying philly doesn't win this game by a field goal but i think san i think matt stafford keeps it close and i like the six points with the rams in a divisional playoff game all right i hate this game and I hate this spread.
It is a bitchy spread.

The Eagles are

at home. Dude, you got me thinking about Stafford now.
The old grizzled vet coming in there. Yeah.
Won a Super Bowl. I don't know.
Whose coach do you believe in more, Bill? Whose coach do you believe in more? Oh, Bill gave him the nickname, Crazy Nick. I like Nick.
I relate to that guy. I think I'm good at what I do and then also fucking think it's all going to go away.
I stopped short of nodding at the camera when a joke lands, though. I will tell you that.
You know what? I'm going to go with the fucking Eagles. I'm going to go with the Eagles.
I'm happy it's on the road with all this fucking shit that's going on out here for the Rams.

But I read that this game.

I feel like that game.

Out of everything that I'm looking at this week, I feel like that one's going to be.

I think it's going to be that's going to be a close game.

Yeah.

So why the fuck am I giving away six points then?

That doesn't make any sense.

But you know what? I don't make any

sense. I'm going to go with the Eagles.
Fuck it.

All right.

That's way too many

points to give fucking Stafford.

That's a stupid pick. Fuck this,

Bill. You've been dumb all year.
I'm changing

it to the Rams. Yes.

Come on board. Come on

down. All right.

Mass cut to me on Sunday. Why did I change it? I fucking.
All right. Me and Bill believe in Matthew Stafford to keep that game close.
All right, Bill. Moving to an unbelievably intriguing line.
This is a very interesting line. Nine and a half points.
Everybody in the world thinks the Lions are going to shit on them. The commanders are obviously rookie quarterback.
I don't know. Who do you like? I love the commanders getting all that point.
You get nine and a half points in the fucking playoffs. I'm taking the points and I'm putting my freckled feet up.
I think that that quarterback the commanders have is legit.

He's also one of those fucking assholes that even if you cover the receiver,

he'll run 12 yards for a first down.

You stand up and do this.

It fucking drives you up the wall.

And also, who's that number 17 on the commanders?

That guy's a nightmare.

Oh, Scary Terry.

Terry McLaurin.

Jesus Christ. What a game he had last week.

He did. He did.
Oh my God, dude. I was just thinking Commanders, but then I'm going,

the Lions had a week off and they're ready for a Super Bowl run. What to do

here, man?

You're going Ray Romano on me. Oh, no.
I'm going to take the commanders with nine and a half with Bill. I was going to say, dude, you've been, you've been riding year, man.
Somewhere in November, you got on the Commanders train. Even though they're in your fucking division, you set aside your difference.
They haven't done shit to you guys in fucking 30 years. I think you were able to see them for what they are.
All right, here we go. What else we got here? All right, we're taking the points and uh oh oh the darling the darling oh my god the prom queen look at her getting eight and a half points i'll tell you we have a quarterback as good as patrick mahomes and you're allowed to hold on every fucking play i gotta take the chiefs laying eight and a half to cover that no fucking problem yeah

oh man eight and a half to cover that. No fucking problem.
Yeah, oh man, eight and a half is such a perfect number. Well, I would put a lot of...
Just the Chiefs in the fucking playoffs. It's the only storyline.
They got the Lions and they're going to finally fucking do it. No one cares if the Bills are going to finally do it at this point.

You know, that's like Sam and Diane on fucking cheers.

We all know how this series continues on.

So I think the only storyline they have is can they three-peat?

If he three-peats, does that mean he's better than Montana?

That's all they have.

And they need to ride that for the rest of the year, which means they're going to be getting calls, as they always fucking do. Now, you take all of that, and you have a great quarterback in my homes, Travis Kelsey, you know.
You got one of the best tight ends in the league, and he's also in love, Paul. I don't know if you know that.
That's what I love about a Chief game. I get to watch football and keep up with their personal relationships because that's what I'm looking for.
That's another thing. Taylor Swift, she sells out those stadiums.
They got to keep them there. I know.
I know. Look, there's no doubt in my mind the Chiefs

win the game. There's no doubt in my mind the Chiefs

win the game. I'm just saying, is that

eight and a half points because the Chiefs

are the fourth ones.

What's that?

I said Pauly two times.

There's no doubt in my mind the Chiefs

win that game. There is no doubt.

Dude, I'm going to take the Texans with the points. God damn it, I like that.
I like the Texans with the points because the Chiefs have been, the Chiefs got bailed out by a bad snap with the Raiders. They win these fucking by a hair.

The Buccaneers. You can't explain it,

Paul. It's almost like something's going on.

Dude, like I

said, the officials have been incredible

all year except for the Darling.

That's where they saved it for.

That's what they saved it for.

I love that you just said, look at her.

Look at her. Look at her dress.

The money's pretty split.

Oh, the money's pretty split on this game?

57% on the Texans.

I kind of feel like somebody's going 4-0 this week.

Somebody's going 4-0 this week, Paul.

I feel it.

Oh, that'd be great. That'd be great.
me alright um somebody's going 4-0 and somebody's going 2-2 that's my prediction the uh the Texans line is so perfect these guys are amazing we gotta get one of these guys on just be like dude what do you guys do I, I was on Artie Lang's podcast and he had the guy from the win on.

And I go, when do you guys know the line?

And he goes, dude, as soon as the one game is over and we know who's playing,

we know within 15 minutes what the line is.

And I'm just like, that's so nuts.

It is nuts, Paul.

Yeah.

It's kind of nuts, isn't it?

What do they have, a quick 15-minute meeting about what's going to happen next week, and then they fucking know everything? Yeah. I don't know.
They know better than we do. Listen, Paul, what are you going to do the day the NFL comes out like wrestling did and just tells you it isn't real? Are you going to be all right with it? No.
Are you going to start crying like that fat guy in his sweatpants? Stop saying that! No. These guys wouldn't risk their lives.
I don't think it's fake. What the fuck are you talking about? They wouldn't risk their lives.
Dude, these guys get paralyzed, man. Paul, people in the mafia got whacked.
They still did it so they could have a nice car and a Cadillac. That's a good point.
The second there's money involved... That's actually a funny point.
Yeah, there's fucking money gonna do it i don't know i i just think it's it's massaged i think it's all massage you want to hear something yes i do you want to hear something that doesn't make much sense here so i'm looking at the money line bets versus the spread bets for all the games and obviously if the team's getting points then the spread seems to increase their percentage except with the ravens and the bills the money line has 52 percent of the people betting on the bills thinking they're just going to win outright forgetting the plus one but 42 percent are taking the one percent the one point so less people who are voting who are betting on the bills are taking the money line than this the spread than the money does that make any sense less people are taking the spread more people are betting the money line is that what he's saying more people are taking the spread more people are going i thought you said only 40 people are taking the money line

than the spread which doesn't make sense for yeah for a one line sorry i i said it wrong let me let me share this screen let me share this screen here very interesting what do you think this means What do you think this means?

Jake, I love how you dress down for the podcast. I've seen your weekend outfits when you're taking your ladies out.
You know? Could you be more humble than Jake? No. No.
He's a humble kid. This kid's taking tens out to steakhouses And then he comes on here And so humble Just throws a t-shirt on I know everybody's into Trump I'm building a wall and Mexico's gonna pay for it That's nothing Jake the snake I'm taking a ten out to a steakhouse And she's paying And it happens.
Mastro's, sweetheart, bring your credit card. Oh! Alright, here we go.
What do we got here? So you see what I'm saying? All right. Spread 42%.
Money line 52%. That's weird with the one spread too.
It's not that different. That's what I'm saying.
It's only plus 100 versus 110. Wow.
But you know what? 58% of people 58% of people are betting on the Ravens Yeah, you're a minus one None of this shit means anything to me It's just a bunch of numbers I'm looking at this right now thinking I'm not passing this class God, I wish this was a class, dude. Oh, God, if these were classes in high school or college.
It'd be the only math class I'd pass for sure. Paul, that's like low-key one of the funnier things you said.
Dude, I mean, I didn't do well in high school, but I mean, if like sports gambling was a class. Dude, imagine.
Paul, you would have given the speech. You would have been the valedictorian.
I was just going to say that. I was just going to say, imagine I'm the valedictorian giving the speech.
And I'm like, I used to take the favorites just like you. But then I realized that's not how life works.

That's Paul coming back after he graduated.

And Paul's final line

is, and in the game of life,

it's a pick-em.

Thank you, everybody.

But if you have the right game plan,

he says it again,

if you have the right game plan,

you can sit the odds In your favor And guys I'll leave you with this If a good team Loses on the road and they're coming home Next week 80% Ladies and gentlemen Gun to your head Which one of your kids do you love the best?

Gun to your head. Oh, God.
All right. So, Bill's got the Chiefs.
I got the Texans. Me and Bill both have the commanders.
Bill has the Ravens. I have the Bills.
And we both have the Rams. And we both have the Rams.
Matthew Stafford. There you go.
So those are our picks for the division weekend. It's going to be great.
I think the game of the week, hands down, I think the classic comes down. I'm going to say this.
Can I make a prediction? I'm going to say Bill's Ravens comes down. I'm going to say Bill's Ravens comes down to literally the last play of the game.
The last play, the last second will decide that game. That's my prediction of that game.
I think it's going to be a doozy. I think it's going to be a classic.
I think the Bills are going to be in control of that game. And then there's going to be a streaker, full frontal.
He's going to run across the field. It's going to take them out of their game.
Dude, if that happens. Dude, that's one of the things that's another thing that 9-11 took away from this country, aside from a lot of freedoms was streaking.
Nah, it was already over. Dude, did you ever go? I went to a fucking Boston University game.
This guy fucking ran across the field. I remember he was this tan dude.
And then like his fucking ass was like fucking as white as my head running across the thing, dude. And I was there with me, all my siblings.
My godfather took me to the game and we were fucking dying laughing. Oh my God, that's so great.
All he had on was a headband and he just ran. Oh, that might've been the legendary guy.
I did it. No, no, no, it wasn't that guy.
I didn't like that weirdo guy. The guy, was that Wimbledon? Yeah.
There was was something like what I liked about the streaker I saw was he didn't want to get caught.

Oh, okay.

I thought that English guy was a creep.

He kind of liked being manhandled by the cops with no clothes on.

I got creep vibes from him.

Yeah, he liked it.

And he like would smile as they were dragging him out with his like, yeah, flopping around.

Yeah.

Naked men can't be smart.

You can't smile as a naked man.

You really got to be running full speed or have a look on your face.

Like, yes, sweetheart, I'm about to put it on you.

But you cannot be sitting there smiling like you're welcoming them to

Thanksgiving dinner.

Paul, we're so happy you came.

Uh-oh. Paul, we're so happy you came.
All right, man. Look, it's getting sad.
We only got two more weeks of this shit, and I can't believe how fast this went. But I hope people reached out, said, dude, they made some money.
So, as always, guys, we don't have a special this week, right? There's no special, right? Is there a late game? No, it's just the – Well, let's talk college, Paul. Who do you like, Ohio State or Notre Dame? I can't say I saw enough of Notre Dame, but what I did see of Notre Dame was their defensive line was great, but I did watch Ohio State's last three or four games, and if the quarterback plays the way he did the last three games, I think that from what I saw, Ohio State looks unbeatable.
Yeah, they're going through people like fucking hot butter. I think Ohio State's going to win because of the streak they're on.
And it seems like after they lost to Michigan, they changed.

So more insufferable fan base, Ohio State or Notre Dame.

Oh, wow.

I think.

Oh, wow.

Impossible choice.

I know.

I think it's Notre Dame.

The fact that they bring religion into it and they think Jesus gives a fuck

more that they win the dumb game than Ohio State.

I mean, Ohio State is just a product of their public school system.

You know what I mean?

It's a state school.

There's not a lot of bright people in Ohio.

Andrew, what's the line on that game? What's the Ohio State's getting what? A given what? Let me pull it up. Sorry.
Not prepped for college here. Let's see.
One second. I see Ohio State minus eight and a half.
Yeah, I heard it was

eight and a half. Okay, yeah.

Ohio State's given eight and a half.

That's a big number. Yeah.

I remember the analyst said

after the game, he goes,

I got a feeling Ohio State's going to be a

significant favorite.

Eight and a half is a big

number.

Well, I mean, they've been killing people.

I mean, look, it doesn't look like they've been beating people

like it's still September.

Dude, how the fuck did they lose to Michigan?

Yeah.

Yeah, that was because the quarterback was doing nothing,

which was so weird.

I was like, Ohio State doesn't have a quarterback. Michigan had no quarterback the whole fucking year, and they still lost.
I don't know, Paul. I don't want to be Captain Paranoid.
Who do you like, Bill? Who do you like? You like Notre Dame? Getting the points? No, I don't. I think – no, I believe the spread, and I think they're right.
I mean, I think Ohio State looks fucking amazing. They do fucking amazing.
They are as amazing as their fan base is horrific. I yeah, I say I say, I'm going to say this.

Notre Dame, I'm going to take Notre Dame with the points.

Ohio State wins the game by a touchdown.

Oh, Paulie, you just covered all your bases there, didn't you?

I wanted to hear, I'm taking Notre Dame and they're going to win the fucking game.

Nah, ever since I started doing this show, I like points.

I don't know.

I don't know.

We'll see. I just hope it's a good

fucking game. Dude, remember that time we went to that

that... Did you came with us when it

rained? We went to SoFi for that. Oh, yeah.

We bet TCU getting the

points. How did that work out? Oh, my

God. I was like 35 to nothing at halftime.
I was soaking wet. I don't even remember who won TCU got beaten so bad.
I don't remember TCU got smoked. Who the fuck were they playing? I don't even remember.
They played Georgia. Jesus Christ.
And I remember TCU got one special teams touchdown,

and we go, dude, one more touchdown, and this is a game again.

And then Georgia, it was like 35-7,

and me and Bartnick just went to go get a tequila and said it's over.

And it was pouring on my Jordan 3s.

Oh, yeah, yeah, because they have the half-assed roof.

You know why, Paul?

Because it never rains in California, but when it does, it pours. Man, it pours.
Remember that song? Yeah, dude. I come to California two years ago in January, and they said, we haven't had rain like this in forever.
My fucking Jordan 3s was sopping wet. All right.
Well, there you have it, guys. And I'm out.
No, I just did a podcast. I just did a podcast that was a sneaker head fucking thing.
And we went we ended up going into that store on Fairfax where you went in. Remember that place? Oh, yeah.
With all of that stuff. Well, I swear to God, man, I was like I was reading a foreign language looking at all those sneakers, dude.
They're fucking insane looking now. Yeah, some of them are ridiculous.
They are. But no, come on, dude.
Paul, you don't have to back down your love. You love sneakers.
Yeah, but I like classics. Like, look, this is what I got on right now.
That's a classic sneaker. It's a nurse shoe, Paul.
No, it's a dunk. Paul, nobody's dunking in a fucking half.
Probably the last guy who dunked in a sneaker like that. That's a nice shoe, Paul.
Don't let him hate. But no, I don't like it.
Can I tell you something? Nike has like one shoe and they painted it

five million different fucking colors.

You guys are like,

oh my God,

the mac and cheese Jordan 4s,

the tiramisu ones

with a fucking

Coco Bewear sweatshirt.

Over.

The same fucking sneaker. Dude, did you get the lasagna? The lasagna sixes? It's like dripping.
The Nike sushi is dripping. Dude, if you look at the fucking Kanye West sneakers, that guy, he literally lives in a different reality.
Those are horrible. I don't know, but I feel like some of the great

artists of all time would be

like, I see this guy.

This guy's doing something different. Those fucking

see-through dinosaur

slippers.

People buy these?

He's like, oh yeah.

A lot of money.

A lot of money.

It's stupid. It's of money.
It's stupid.

It's really stupid.

They collect them.

Nobody's wearing that shit.

I saw somebody wearing those fucking moon boots down the street.

I would say that the thing that foreshadowed that,

the guy in the history of basketball,

who had the weirdest looking shoe?

Oh, man.

That's a good question.

I know James Harden had a weird pair and,

Oh,

you know what?

I didn't like those Kobe Adidas ones.

Rest is.

That's what I was going to say.

His first one,

they was square.

They were like a rectangle.

That's that.

Yup.

The,

the Kobe Adidas that were like square on the, on the toe and they were rubbery. Those were terrible.
I don't know, but I look at those now and I go like that. That was sort of foreshadowing all that Yeezy shit.
Yeah. The slippers, not the other ones that he basically took an Afghan and put a soul on it.
Then there's some sort of barcode. Those things are creepy.
My wife had a pair of those. Yeah.
Remember the Magic Johnson, Larry Bird Converse? Those were awesome. Converse weapons.
I didn't like how small the Converse logo was on it. The Dr.
J's were the cleanest ones. The Bob Laniers.

The Dr. J's were sick.

Paul, let's not forget about the Bob Cousy

PF Flyer

fucking

Chuck Taylor Mashup. He had his own sneaker.

A lot of people don't know that.

Paul, the sun has come up.

Look at that.

Wow. It's come up.
I was looking at the fucking skyline. It looks like a Michael Mann movie.
I do. I love Michael Mann.
It looks nice out there. It does.
It looks nice out there. God bless all these firefighters out here doing a hell of a job.
God bless. God bless everybody in California fighting that shit.

I hope everybody's okay.

And fuck everybody out there who turns this into a political, turns everything into a

political issue and tries to divide us.

Paul, during

crisis, what does the leader do?

Brings people together.

You don't divide people.

No. Everybody just needs to help.

I do have to say that is the funny thing about Trump.

That is his go-to.

Fire in California.

That's Gavin Newsom's problem.

And then he's like, Gulf of Mexico.

We're going to call it Gulf of America.

And then he's like, yeah, let's look at it.

And then he just walks away.

That's his move.

His move is he gets everybody in the room yelling at each other

and then he walks out the side door.

Now I'm the only one who thinks that.

No, that's exactly what he does.

It's like some mean girl shit.

Hey, Paul, did you hear what Andrew

said about you, man? He said

he doesn't like your red sweatshirt. And then you're like,

what the fuck is in my sweatshirt? And I just walk out. That's so funny.
Nobody brought up, Paul, that this city shouldn't even be here. You know, in managing this thing, Paul, you have to manage this city that shouldn't be here you

have to manage and this city has been in a drought for 50 fucking years and even when it does rain a

lot one year you still use up all the fucking water they they fucked it public transportation

because the politicians sold out back then woodrow wilson i mean wait where do you find the race

relations out here where the fuck do you start you start right now that's kind of the same is that the same with Vegas too or no dude I don't there's a lot of cities that like through air quote technology they were able to build stuff there but but like it's finite. Nature wins.

Nature, gravity, gravity wins.

You're never going to the gym every day, but gravity every morning is pulling you down to earth.

Pulling that face down, Paul.

Jesus.

You look like a fucking basset hound.

Oh, my God, dude.

Look at my shoulders.

It's really weird how aging affects your face, but your body can look fine for a long time. I think that's nature's way of preventing you from procreating.
It's like, all right, dude, you can do your bowl flex as much as you fucking want, but your face. There's no machine for your face at the fucking gym.
Remember those idiots were fucking biting down on things trying to get their jobs. Dude, we're still in the very early stages of the face Nautilus equipment.
I have to think that thing you bit down on. Remember when people were fat and they put that, that cummerbund, that electric cummerbund around their belly and they would just turn it on and it would just jiggle your fucking titties.
And people would sit there, they would stand there. They're not even moving.
They thought that that was going to make their belly go away. The thing, it just rubbed, right? Yeah.
I was like, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da the speed of light and all that. Dude, that was the original Billy Mays.
Not Billy Mays. Here's a hunk of shit to fucking put on your fat stomach.
Did you see that guy, that documentary? There's a documentary out right now about the guy that doesn't want to, he wants to live forever. So he like, everything is down to his science, what he takes.
And he's like older and he's like in this ripped shape. But like his regiment is so exhausting that when, what he does by noon, it's like his cabinets just are all of these supplements and he's shredded and he's ripped and he does these exercises and cardio and eats like dude and he was just he's just trying to like like not die how old is he i i want to say he's in his 50 early 50s and like his regimen to this stress yeah so he has himself in fight or flight the whole fucking day he's just waking up i must do this i must do that i must do that or i'm gonna fucking die it's like he's fighting uh uh a fatal disease like you hear people when they get like some really bad cancer diagnosis yeah this is the guy.
Don't die. So much of your attitude.
Like so much of your attitude. Like when you hear these people who are fighting cancer and everything.
Like so much of it is your mental. Your attitude towards it.
Who am I looking at? I'm seeing 5,000 people here. That's a guy? That's the same guy.
That's a guy. This guy.

That one looks like a robot.

Yeah, that's the yeah, this

guy and he just like, yeah,

it's exhausting what he does.

Who's the guy behind him?

I don't know.

Oh, his son?

I feel like the stress of all this would just weigh on you, and that's how you go. Yeah, what he eats, the supplements he takes, the exercises he does.
And by the way, he has to have so much money because his whole day is that. Paul, how about this? The fun he's not having? Oh.
No cigars? Guy's not going to smoke this. Here's my impression of his friends.
Hey, Mike, you want to forget it. Forget it.
Hey, Mike, me and some of the guys. Yeah, yes.
Yeah, I was going to have a party. Yeah, we're going to have a party.
What do you think about Mike? No, not Mike. His son's a nice kid.
Yeah, but dude, he's not coming. Listen, if the party's after 2.30 in the afternoon.
I mean, he'll swim for an hour. They just leave.
I would actually watch that because I would think, I find it fascinating in that as much as people are laughing, I'm dude, like the level of like plastic surgery and the shit that people are doing. Like, you know, it's fucking people putting, I don't even know what this shit is, but they put filler in their face.
Yeah. Yeah.
Like, you just putting that, I mean, I guess we're putting trans fats in, so who gives a shit, but like, to put like Bondo under your skin? It's not. They say that Botox shit goes right to your brain? Yeah, it says it goes to your brain and fucks your memory up and shit i don't know if that's true but um paul i'm gonna say it probably is i would say if you're injecting chemicals into your face your brain is in your head how about you just enjoy your life in moderation and love your family how about that yeah and dude the level of banging that's happened at old folks homes i mean they haven't like stds are going all right you can still get laid your whole life dude that's incredible man that's incredible and i'll be honest with you i'm embracing like i'm embracing being in a home not because of that but like i was talking to somebody about this dude playing poker at four o'clock eating jello watching your show lights out at eight until you said jello it was all sounding good until the jello oh dude a nurse a nice nurse comes in gives you a little jello puts oh no no no dude there's no nice nurses at those fucking places those fucking people that take care people are evil.
I got a friend of mine. I was talking to her the other day and she was telling me some of the shit that they were saying to her.
We're in the third fucking nurse. She has arthritis going, don't put me in this position.
It hurts me. And the woman said, I don't have I don't have time for this and walked out.
Oh, Jesus. Guys, I just realized I got to get to the airport.
We're going to end on that sad story. Watch out for your grandparents.
All right, guys. Enjoy the games.
Those are our picks for the week. Division series.
Follow us. Me and Bill are on a few together.
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Only two games. And there you go.
Have a good one. We will see you back.
Well, here's my prediction on that guy who wants to live forever. Yeah.
A Jesus freak comes to his door and he converts him.

He goes, you don't need to be afraid to die.

Just surrender to Jesus.

Yeah. Paul,

you can have that cheeseburger.

You can have that cheeseburger.

God, I hope he gets

his way and make your way to

paradise. I hope he gets

that freedom.

It is sad. All right.
All right freedom. It is sad.
Alright.

Alright, guys. Take care.

Bye.