Monday Morning Podcast 1-13-25

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Bird. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 13th, 2025.

Speaker 1 Give me five.

Speaker 1 What's going on? How are you?

Speaker 1 How's it going? How's things out your way?

Speaker 1 Oh, Billy, this is my new podcast studio. I sit in a car in a parking lot by myself in the passenger seat because the sun is on the driver's side.

Speaker 1 meaning that the driver's side

Speaker 1 must be pointed east at this point.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm doing the podcast. I'm watching what looks like a Delta flight

Speaker 1 on final approach

Speaker 1 into God knows what airport.

Speaker 1 I'm out here, man, like most people. I had to fucking get out of LA because the fires are raging.

Speaker 1 And how about what's his his face? How about the orange cunt who's coming back?

Speaker 1 How about old Donnie boy?

Speaker 1 What do you do in a crisis, everybody, when you're a good leader? What do you do? Huh? You bring people together. That's what you do.
What does Donnie do? It's Kavan Newson's fault.

Speaker 1 What would that guy be doing if he wasn't dividing people?

Speaker 1 Fucking unbelievable. It's like watching like a...
I was saying the other day, he's like the...

Speaker 1 The fucking, he's like the Jeff George

Speaker 1 of fucking politicians. Like, who the the fuck does that? They all fucking do this shit.
Have you noticed that?

Speaker 1 This is a time where everybody should be helping out people. This is where you help out your fellow countrymen.
That's what you do. You don't go online and start politicizing a fucking fire.

Speaker 1 Trying to, you know, fucking figure out a way to make fun of, you know,

Speaker 1 whoever.

Speaker 1 Or blame somebody for it. I love these fucking guys weighing in from other stuff.
I'm a firefighter in in fucking Iowa, and this would definitely make me. Oh, yeah?

Speaker 1 You're a firefighter, and you realize you know what the fuck happened before there was even an investigation.

Speaker 1 That reminds me of like people who had their pilot's license, and somehow the day JFK Jr.

Speaker 1 died, they knew what happened. Takes the FAA a year to come out with their fucking report, and these fucking jerk-offs somehow, no.
Um,

Speaker 1 this isn't a time to fucking point fingers. This is a time to help people out, and this thing is so fucking big.
I don't know where you even start.

Speaker 1 But what kills me is just watching every motherfucking time

Speaker 1 something bad happens.

Speaker 1 Everybody, from the rich cunts all the way down to mouth-breathing morons on Instagram, all they do is just point fingers at everybody and start blaming and just call. Who does that?

Speaker 1 A bunch of people just lost their fucking houses in a fire and you want to argue politics. You want to to argue, you know, whose fault this is.

Speaker 1 You want to yell at the governor and say that you should be on the phone call with the fucking president. I mean, it's just fucking, it's insane.

Speaker 1 It's fucking insane. Bad things fucking happen.
When they happen, people should come together. You don't just start fucking screaming at each other.

Speaker 1 Sorry, it's just so fucking depressing. And then watching these stupid, like, these fucking theories.

Speaker 1 How about the racists? The rich racist racist white people spreading the fucking rumor that it was a gang of illegal immigrants. A gang of illegal immigrants.
They're in this country without papers.

Speaker 1 Are they laying low? No.

Speaker 1 They're driving all around L.A. starting fires so then they can loot houses that have burnt down.
And then what? Take a fucking dirty coffee cup out of the rubble? Does that make any sense?

Speaker 1 Why would somebody do that? Why would somebody use the pain and suffering to push their agenda?

Speaker 1 Because they're a fucking reptile.

Speaker 1 Why would somebody call up somebody right after their house burnt down and try to buy their fucking property for a hundred bucks?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 The fuck is wrong with people? Another one is that homeless people started the, you know, the fires. I feel like that one and all the footage of it, like of homeless people starting fires.

Speaker 1 Homeless people start fires every fucking day out here. The whole city doesn't burn down.

Speaker 1 And the idea that a homeless person doesn't have a fucking car somehow went from Altadino all the way out to the Pacific Palisades and then back to Runyon Canyon.

Speaker 1 Why would somebody do that?

Speaker 1 Why would somebody put that out there like that?

Speaker 1 This is my theory. Don't you love an old guy that has his own golf cart? I'm out here in the desert.
It's just a bunch of old people. I saw an old guy today driving a fucking Ferrari.

Speaker 1 It just made my day.

Speaker 1 How fucking is anything better than seen an old guy driving a fucking Ferrari in Svant? Venti. You won, dude.
You fucking won.

Speaker 1 It's the end of your life. All the shit that could have happened to you.
You'd bobbed, you weave, you dodge, you were knocked down, you got back up again, and look at you

Speaker 1 driving the speed limit in your red Ferrari.

Speaker 1 I think those homeless rumors came from

Speaker 1 the insurance company. I feel like they're spreading those

Speaker 1 so at the very least they can delay before they fold the insurance companies and don't pay anything and then write themselves fucking 10-figure bonuses.

Speaker 1 Nine-figure bonus, sorry.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because if it's arson, they don't have to cover. So

Speaker 1 it's good. Like, that's what insurance companies are doing right now.
They're having a massive meeting right now to figure out how they're not going to fucking pay anybody anything.

Speaker 1 That's what they're doing. And you watch CNN and Fox News not fucking breathe a word of it.
Not breathe a word of it. And then scratch their head when a Luigi thing happens.

Speaker 1 I don't understand why with the hell, huh?

Speaker 1 You know why it's happening. So, anyway,

Speaker 1 you know, when things like this happen as a comedian, you always go out and do like a benefit,

Speaker 1 and you know, you try and help the people up. But the magnitude of this thing, I feel like I'm, you know, putting a drop of water on the fire.
I don't even know where to begin. So,

Speaker 1 we're going to try to figure out something, but

Speaker 1 I really believe Jesus more sirens.

Speaker 1 I really believe that like

Speaker 1 regular people,

Speaker 1 you know, the ones who pay the bill when some rich guy declares bankruptcy,

Speaker 1 you know, takes advantage of the bankruptcy laws. Like they, like, the bank doesn't just go, oh, we lost that money.
They raise regular people's fees, and you pay that person's bills.

Speaker 1 You pay their debt off. That's how that fucking works.
They don't lose. So anyway, this is a time to fucking come together.
And

Speaker 1 people, you got to stop watching CNN and Fox News. You got to stop with these fucking politics.

Speaker 1 You got to stop with this shit. And if it isn't you, you got to stop reacting to fucking bots on Instagram.
Stop like giving them what they want. Which is people interacting with the app.

Speaker 1 Like I'm telling you, that fucking Facebook guy, the fact that he has those bots on Instagram to start fucking arguments between his fellow countrymen during times like this when we need to come together and he's dividing the locker room just for his own fucking profit.

Speaker 1 That dude is a fucking reptile.

Speaker 1 My nuts?

Speaker 1 Did I breathe in too much bad air and now I'm not thinking clearly?

Speaker 1 Anyway, so

Speaker 1 I have a friend of mine that knows somebody that

Speaker 1 a family

Speaker 1 and they got like four or five kids. They fucking lost everything.
So

Speaker 1 I'm going to be doing benefits and then I'm going to try to find out a way like, you know, specifically. And I feel, what do I do?

Speaker 1 Pick one family and get them going? Because I just don't feel like any benefit that I would do would fucking

Speaker 1 so many people. I don't know.
I don't know. There's got to be something.
There's got to be something positive that comes out of this thing.

Speaker 1 And it just, if this fucking thing just turns into, well, Biden did this and Trump did that and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You already see him.

Speaker 1 And I know I trashed Trump in the beginning, but I trashed him because

Speaker 1 his first fucking move is to divide people.

Speaker 1 Okay? I don't give a fuck that the dude is a Republican. My thing is that he fucking so divided people that January 6th happened.
And those people thought they were right doing what the fuck they did.

Speaker 1 Oh, God.

Speaker 1 And then Joe Biden couldn't fucking remember what he said two minutes ago. Like, this country has not had a leader since Obama, whether he liked him or not, the guy had his faculties.

Speaker 1 And he wasn't going around trying to fucking divide people or couldn't remember fucking last week.

Speaker 1 Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 1 It just keeps going. So, I've given up on politicians.
And,

Speaker 1 you know, I don't know. I'm probably going to sound like a broken record, but we got to stop doing this red state, blue state stuff because we're killing each other.
And we're doing exactly what

Speaker 1 people at the top want. So they can divide us and then fucking, you know, have us so we can't get organized and stop and look at them.

Speaker 1 Like, what if people started sharing the information of these fucking scumbags? Act like you want, oh yeah, yeah. How much are you going to give me free land? What's your information?

Speaker 1 How much are you going to give me for my land? And fucking expose them. They're buying all of our information.
Why don't we start stalking them? Seeing what the fuck they're up to?

Speaker 1 Oh, God, I'm fucking, i'm i'm fired up here in this fucking rented car

Speaker 1 oh geez i gotta get some air in here not there's nothing worse than a fucking you know you know what's funny is like

Speaker 1 if there was a dog sitting in here and people would be like concerned but if you're a person just sitting in a fucking car they just immediately assume well he's got hands that work he has all his faculties he could just open the door but what if you don't what if you're so into your fucking podcast, you forget that it's heating up in here?

Speaker 1 Anyway.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Who needs air conditioning when you can open the goddamn door?

Speaker 1 So that's it. So if you guys have any suggestions, if you guys know people specifically, I'm sure you do, that need help or something.

Speaker 1 I don't know, something.

Speaker 1 I really, this would be like a great thing if everybody came together instead of just being like you know I remember I forget what something fucking happened something awful fucking happened and there was a fucking shooter or something like that and some idiot on TV went oh well you know most of them are probably gonna vote for Trump like that's where the fuck we are

Speaker 1 bunch of houses burned down and hills and people like yeah that's what the liberals get

Speaker 1 It's like, who fucking cheers on the death of their own countrymen? That's where the fuck we are right now.

Speaker 1 And listen, I'm blaming the lizard people for this, but a lot of it is just regular people.

Speaker 1 Stop being a cunt.

Speaker 1 If you're not going to fucking elevate the situation, just keep your thoughts to yourself.

Speaker 1 Anyway, there, I'm done. I'm done.
Now let's go bread and circus. Do you watch any of that playoff football? First of all, let's go college playoff.

Speaker 1 How about those fucking Ohio State Buckeys?

Speaker 1 who everybody forgot about their 10, 11 wins, whatever it is, and then they lost to Michigan and everyone was like, you fail, you fail, you fail, you fail.

Speaker 1 Now all of a sudden, now all of a sudden, look at this, they're a game away

Speaker 1 in this new era of they spent their money in the right

Speaker 1 overtly, where it used to be behind closed doors.

Speaker 1 Behind closed doors, you signed a deal right next to the Hooters dumpster to get someone to come play for you. Now it's all out in the open.

Speaker 1 You know, it's like when wrestling finally admitted that it was just sports entertainment.

Speaker 1 Although I didn't mind when they did that.

Speaker 1 What I loved about that, I gotta get some more AC in here. What I loved about that was

Speaker 1 you finally got to see, okay, as much as this is scripted and everything, getting thrown across the ring and landing on your back still hurts, you fucking asshole. So I did love that

Speaker 1 the wrestlers could then actually talk about

Speaker 1 reality of how much pain that they were in to put on those shows um by the way did anybody see that video on instagram of that wrestler whose finishing move he does on a pogo stick

Speaker 1 it was one of the greatest things i've ever seen i was fucking screaming when i was watching it dying laughing it was fucking amazing it just cuts to this guy no shirt on purple tights of course what else would you wear in wrestling boots what else would you be wearing if you're gonna end your match on a pogo stick

Speaker 1 so he's got fucking prince's purple rain pajama bottoms on with these fucking hooker boots and the whole the video starts he's outside the ring he's in the crowd and the fucking the whole crowd's going pogo pogo pogo and the dude goes dong dong dong and then he does the last one where he kind of alligator arms it because he's got to line up the dude in the ring and it almost looks like he's going to wipe out and right next to the fucking side of the ring the apron boom he hits it and he flies off the thing goes perpendicular does like the flying body press and just lands on this guy

Speaker 1 and immediately pops up and starts strutting around the ring like what

Speaker 1 what oh it was fucking amazing

Speaker 1 it was fucking amazing

Speaker 1 I don't know who that guy is. I love that dude.
And everybody that was in that crowd chanting pogo are fucking all right with me.

Speaker 1 I feel like those are the kinds of human moments that if there is a God that cares, because I'll go with this as somebody that made this shit, right? I'll go with that. But he cares.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I think he just made it and he's watching it like a fucking ant farmer and he's on the other side of the solar system creating more shit. I don't know what he's doing.

Speaker 1 But if he's actually paying attention and he saw that moment, I think he would be nodding, being like, right there, right there. They get it.

Speaker 1 Those people get it. That's what you're here for.

Speaker 1 You're having fun.

Speaker 1 You're having fun. You're being silly.
You're being fucking ridiculous. And everybody's having a good time.
That's why you're here.

Speaker 1 You know, you're not here to get the biggest fucking pool

Speaker 1 or to take advantage of somebody after their fucking house burns down. You know what I love about those lizard cunts?

Speaker 1 Is

Speaker 1 they appease all their guilts with this expression. That's how business is done.
That's how business is done.

Speaker 1 If you ever are in the need to use that expression in your life, you're a fucking piece of shit or something that you're doing or you're working for the wrong company.

Speaker 1 Hey, you know,

Speaker 1 that's how business is done.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 Leverage. You apply pressure.
You buy when the market is down

Speaker 1 and sell when the market is up.

Speaker 1 You ignore the sounds of crying children and you just think about the natural resource in the ground.

Speaker 1 Lizard people. Fucking lizard people.
And this is why I don't believe that there's a God that cares because he made those people. They didn't choose the fucking devil.
They're lemons.

Speaker 1 They got the Range Rover motor in their fuck between their ears.

Speaker 1 They're a jaguar.

Speaker 1 They got a British engine for a fucking brain. I would say no disrespect, but I'm starting to think that, you know,

Speaker 1 that Great Britain sends their bad cars over to us and then keeps their good ones for themselves. They have to be.

Speaker 1 They have to be. How could you fucking run an empire making a fucking engine like that? You know what I mean? Doesn't make any sense, does it? I think they're still a little salty.

Speaker 1 That,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 they lost the war and then we stole their offense, just like the fucking 2005 Colts did to the New England Patriots. We stole their offense and went around the world and created our own empire.

Speaker 1 And I think they're a little salty,

Speaker 1 but, you know, they're in some sort of alliance with us.

Speaker 1 So they have to respect that alliance. But, you know, doesn't mean they can't be cunts.
So they send us the lemon jags and and the fucking

Speaker 1 lemon poppy seed fucking Range Rovers.

Speaker 1 These are just ideas.

Speaker 1 I don't know. What a fucking time.

Speaker 1 What a fucking time to be alive. Dude, this takes me back to, I haven't been anything in any city going through something like this

Speaker 1 since 9-11.

Speaker 1 And it was the exact same experience I had. I was in New York City 9-11 and I was on the Upper East Side and all of this horror was going on a few miles away and you would never know it.

Speaker 1 Clear blue skies. It was beautiful where I was at.
You would never fucking know what was happening, was happening.

Speaker 1 And I was the same way with these, like, well, the fires, you could smell them.

Speaker 1 And you saw the smoke and everything. But, like...

Speaker 1 You know, just to know that that devastation was happening to the fucking city that you're living in. And I don't know what happened as an East Coast guy.
Somewhere along the line,

Speaker 1 I really fell in love with LA

Speaker 1 and the people that live there,

Speaker 1 you know, because sports had me divided, you know what I mean? And then I was also like nervous being out here and everything was different.

Speaker 1 So I was doing my East Coast thing, like, oh, I'm too real to be out here. And it was really like I was fucking

Speaker 1 like homesick. You know, it's one thing to go to Boston to New York, you know what I mean? They're the same kind of meathead.
just different sports teams. So it wasn't

Speaker 1 that different other than, you know, they don't call call it a sub-sandwich, they call it a hero. Um, which I've never understood where that came from.

Speaker 1 It's kind of interested if any New York, New Jersey, tri-state area person could tell me how it became a hero.

Speaker 1 You know, we came up with submarine sandwich because we were like,

Speaker 1 it's the same shape as a submarine sandwich. There's not a lot of depth.
I feel like to call it a hero,

Speaker 1 there's got to be a good story behind it.

Speaker 1 Did that sailor right after on Armistice Day who just grabbed that fucking chick and started kissing her, you know?

Speaker 1 Was he like afterward when he realized he didn't really know who she was, was he like, sorry about that?

Speaker 1 And then he bought her a sandwich. And back then, that was enough.
He didn't get canceled. Not only did he not get canceled, he was considered a hero.

Speaker 1 Is that what happened? Did that guy see action? I mean, the war was still happening. He's fucking hanging out in Times Square.

Speaker 1 like he's looking for ryan sea crest grandfather right is that who does it no that's not ryan sea crest who does who does the rock of new year's eve

Speaker 1 i don't know

Speaker 1 that's another thing i don't know who the fuck sits and watches that

Speaker 1 that the nfl draft there's certain things that i see that are on tv

Speaker 1 that i just don't understand dude you know what's hilarious i just look down at the door i'm wearing sweatpants and uh my fucking wallet had fallen out of my sweatpants into like, you know, the little pocket at the bottom of the door.

Speaker 1 Just half of it was just hanging out.

Speaker 1 Which reminds me, all you young people out there,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 you guys all walked away from the George Costanza wallet. I still have one.
Look, car keys fell out too.

Speaker 1 Dude, when you wear sweatpants, it's like you inadvertently mug yourself the second you sit down. Who took all my shit?

Speaker 1 Who took all my my shit? I had to explain the joke. That's when you knew it was mediocre.
Add some dialogue so people understand.

Speaker 1 Anyway, what the fuck was I talking about? I don't know. Does it matter? Does it matter? I don't think it does.

Speaker 1 So last night, hanging out here in the hotel room

Speaker 1 with my kiddos, just having a great time. They fall asleep.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 oh my god, dude. Oh, I gotta tell you what my son did.
My son is fucking hilarious. He thinks everything is funny.

Speaker 1 So, we were watching some, there was this dog show, you know, one of those things that people run around with the dogs and try to win a trophy because I don't know, they had some awful childhood, so they relate more to animals than they do to human beings.

Speaker 1 Whatever the it's weird,

Speaker 1 it's weird. You know what I can't stand about? I love the dogs, but just the people that own them are just so sad.

Speaker 1 You know, you ever see when they get like that special shoe so they can run with the dog?

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 But at least if you got like a big dog, you still seem like a person to me. But when they get to the toy dogs,

Speaker 1 those fucking things that you see.

Speaker 1 Remember when wearing a fur,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 meant something? Meant you were successful? It didn't mean you had, you know, bitches walking the block.

Speaker 1 They had things.

Speaker 1 You would have like a coat,

Speaker 1 or you would have the actual fox around your neck biting its tail. Really weird.
But that's when people, you know, I think we're coming out of living off the land.

Speaker 1 I mean, people walk around with a fucking raccoon hat like Davey Crockett and still get all the pussy he did in the 1860s.

Speaker 1 And it just makes sense that you can have a fucking fox biting its tail around your neck while you were eating and nobody had a problem with that.

Speaker 1 Then they had the other thing that was just, it was sort of like this, almost looked like a giant fur koozie.

Speaker 1 And the women would put their hands on either side of it, like if they were at a football game. Yale versus Harvard.
Here we go.

Speaker 1 All white people in the crowd and all white people all of a year, right?

Speaker 1 Razumatas.

Speaker 1 The 23 Skinoo play, right?

Speaker 1 They used to have like those fucking things.

Speaker 1 Where the fuck was I going with that? I completely lost my train of thought. What the hell was I talking about? All right, let's back it up.
Let's back up the tape. My brain is reel to reel.

Speaker 1 I have an analog.

Speaker 1 I have an analog brain.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, are baggy pants really coming back? And a mullet with the shaved-off sideburns, and he's fucking dyed the other. Oh no, they're exchange students.
I saw them at breakfast.

Speaker 1 I think they're from Spain.

Speaker 1 Because they were speaking Spanish, but they look like white people. Sort of.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 Anyway, plowing ahead.

Speaker 1 The fuck was my point with those furs?

Speaker 1 They talking about, ah, Jesus Christ. Do you know how many times that happens to me a day?

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 I mean, that's when you know you're a boring person, when you actually lose interest in what you're talking about to yourself.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, what were you saying? You weren't listening to me? Nah, you just, you were going on and on about these fucking fur coats and shit.

Speaker 1 I have no idea what that was about. Anyway,

Speaker 1 we don't have any reads this week. What a surprise.
Nobody wants to advertise on this this week.

Speaker 1 Anyway, how about people price gouging during this hotel room, supplies, all of that type of shit? All of those people never makes it on, you know.

Speaker 1 If you're a corporation, you can do whatever the fuck you want to people. I just saw, I just saw this thing.

Speaker 1 It's talking about when you go out to get a cup of coffee, the inside of of the paper cup is plastic lined and the heat of the coffee melts the plastic and you have microplastics going into your fucking brain.

Speaker 1 And they also sell those little fucking steed milk things to kids.

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 1 How are you able to do that legally? And then the solution is, well, you got to bring your own mug.

Speaker 1 You got to bring your own mug there. Like, we are so conditioned that they don't give a fuck and that no one's going to do anything to them, that we don't even have any outrage.

Speaker 1 Like, wait a minute, you're putting micro plastics into my fucking brain and the kid of my brain? What the fuck? And you just gave yourself a $120 million signing bonus?

Speaker 1 That's what the fuck you're doing? Right? We don't even have that anymore.

Speaker 1 We just go, well, that's why there's always like the per that's why whenever I get coffee, I bring my own mug.

Speaker 1 You know, the one guy just thinking about himself instead of being like, yeah, we should bring our own mugs to the fucking headquarters and smash it over their fucking heads there go little luigi

Speaker 1 you know a little pg13 luigi you just get an assault charge

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 anyway

Speaker 1 what do you think would happen if people just fucking rose up and stood outside the jail and demanded luigi's freedom

Speaker 1 Like the fucking old days when you could bust somebody out.

Speaker 1 Somebody would bring a wagon with a team of horses.

Speaker 1 And the sheriff's standing out, god damn it, I told you to clear out, right?

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 The window to do that is closing rapidly. Once these fucking lizard people get their hands on some robots, oh my god, forget it.

Speaker 1 Now they don't even have to sell the war to them. They just got to be like go do that.
And it's it's done

Speaker 1 and it is done

Speaker 1 All right, it's getting dark. It's getting dark.
It's getting crazy. All right, let's keep,

Speaker 1 let's try to go a little positivity here.

Speaker 1 I was mentioning to you guys I started playing guitar. I'm going to be doing a lot of that when I'm in New York because I won't be able to play drums, which is really sad.
It's really sad for me.

Speaker 1 I'm sad because I can't play drums. A bunch of people lost their houses and I'm whining because I can't play drums because I'm going to be skipping around doing a play.
Fuck is wrong with me?

Speaker 1 So I mentioned I was playing guitar

Speaker 1 and the amp that I had was so amazing that even I sound halfway decent on it. So people were, I guess, were starting to guess

Speaker 1 what tube amp I have.

Speaker 1 And it's an American-made, American-made. It's headstrong amps, all one word.
H-E-A-D-S-T-R-O-N-G. I met the guy.
He's either in North Carolina or South Carolina.

Speaker 1 He came out to my show, was just a fucking great human being.

Speaker 1 Neither one of us asked who we voted for. We had a conversation.
I had a need. He had the fucking answer.
And he made me this amp. And I just, I even love the way it sounds when it turns on.

Speaker 1 Because you flip the switch in the back.

Speaker 1 It's green too. One of my favorite colors.
Green and blue. I love green and blue.
Right?

Speaker 1 Green, the color of grass, not money.

Speaker 1 No grass I know is the color of money right

Speaker 1 That is a heartless green. I mean green grass, you know

Speaker 1 The kind of thing that makes you want to run across a field in an Irish sweater carving a piece of fucking soap that kind of green and it's a tube amp so I'm always like plugged in or whatever and I

Speaker 1 I'm sort of strumming waiting for the thing to turn on

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I hear this hum and then all of a sudden the sound comes out of my guitar. Oh, it's amazing.
It's amazing. And I'm just playing a pentatonic scale, noodling around, fucking around.

Speaker 1 But it sounds so good, it actually gives me ideas. I actually have creative musical ideas as a stand-up comedian.

Speaker 1 So imagine you, as a musician, who actually is born with musical talent, unlike myself, if you got a headstrong amp off a fellow American,

Speaker 1 H-E-A-D-S-T-R-O-N-G.

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 1 And I told you there's no advertising, so that all came from the hat.

Speaker 1 All right. Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 The Washington. I ran to a Redskins fan the other night, Commanders fan, right? And he was saying, he was saying that he would never say say commanders.
He goes, they'll always be the Redskins to me.

Speaker 1 And I was like laughing, going like, that's such a funny thing to hang on to.

Speaker 1 I get what he's saying because it doesn't mean what it meant.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? To him, Redskins means a football team. And Joe Theisman and the Hogs and, you know, Art Monk and John Riggins, the Over the Hill gang.
To him, that's what it means.

Speaker 1 So I don't think he was being like a bad person, but it's just kind of funny. It's like, oh, you know, it's also a, it's a racial slur, you know? Indians, like, I was on board for keeping that.

Speaker 1 I'm like, all right, that was like a mistake, more so than a racist thing, right? And then I met

Speaker 1 Indians, they said they preferred Indian over Native American. And it's like, or you could just call me what I am, the name of my tribe.
And it's like, oh, yeah, I guess there is that.

Speaker 1 But, you know,

Speaker 1 that's not how we operate. We don't got time for that.
okay?

Speaker 1 We're this, you're that, and you're called this, and that's it. And you're all like this, and we're all like that, and they're all like this, and fucking, that's how it works.
Keep it nice and easy.

Speaker 1 All right,

Speaker 1 so my picks yesterday, I had the Texans, I had the Bills, I had the Ravens, I had the Bucs tied with that, and then I had the Packers. I picked

Speaker 1 two weird games. I thought the Texans were going to win, which was weird to me because they didn't have any receivers, according to Paul Versey.
And I just felt like I believe in Jim Harbaugh.

Speaker 1 And I like Justin Herbert and what they're doing down there. And I was just like, you know what? San Diego should come in and win this game.
And that's why they're not.

Speaker 1 And then, you know, I was feeling cocky that I said that. And then I did it again against...
Nick Siriano and the Philadelphia Eagles at home.

Speaker 1 At home. I bet against them.
What a dope I was. The Eagles move on.

Speaker 1 And in the college playoff, how about

Speaker 1 the fact it's Notre Dame and Ohio State

Speaker 1 in the championship? And who the fuck saw that coming?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. The two most self-righteous schools.
Like, who do you vote against?

Speaker 1 I do kind of love it for Ohio State because... Oh, my God, they were getting shit when they lost to Michigan.

Speaker 1 Everybody forgot that they won, you know, 10 games and spent a fucking trillion dollars on their team.

Speaker 1 Everybody forgot that they were good because they lost to Michigan with no quarterback, which is still one of the most bizarre things.

Speaker 1 Like, that doesn't even make sense that they lost to that fucking team.

Speaker 1 And now all of a sudden, like

Speaker 1 a little month and a half later, they're playing for a championship. I think that I don't know.
They make such a big deal out of that Michigan, Ohio State game.

Speaker 1 I got to feel that as an Ohio State fan, if you win a fucking championship, you don't give a fuck that you lost to Michigan in November or for the past four years. Who gives a fuck?

Speaker 1 And if you do, you're an idiot.

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 1 The goal is to win a championship. You play to win the games.

Speaker 1 Anyway.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's like fucking

Speaker 1 being upset. If you're a Red Sox fan because you lost to the Yankees in fucking September, but then, you know, you won the World Series.
Who gives a shit? Yeah, but we want to say a playup series.

Speaker 1 I don't get it. All right.
There's no reads. So this podcast, and I also got a

Speaker 1 I gotta check out here. So let's see.

Speaker 1 AI. This is AI.

Speaker 1 Bill, have you noticed how everything has just started incorporating AI all of a sudden? Internet search engines, Instagram, etc. Yes.

Speaker 1 I don't want an aggregate of information that is decided by programming.

Speaker 1 I don't want you to use words like aggregate. What the fuck is

Speaker 1 this? It's got to be the most G's I've ever seen in a word.

Speaker 1 Aggregate. A-G-G-R-E-G-A-T-E.

Speaker 1 Aggregate.

Speaker 1 You know, when I was a kid, I wish I was smart enough to stay in the spelling bee long enough to be asked how to spell aggregate.

Speaker 1 Could you use that in a sentence?

Speaker 1 Yes, I don't want an aggregate of information that is decided by programming.

Speaker 1 What's the origin?

Speaker 1 Okay, stacked, okay, stacked search results are bad enough. That's where the top 10 search results are intentionally promoted to push an idea or conceal an idea.
Google does it all the time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know, you got to go to page two. So now people will get these brainless answers that pop up and do no further searching.
Guilty. Guilty is charged.
I do that.

Speaker 1 What's the right answer on the internet? The first one that I read that I feel like I can agree with.

Speaker 1 We used to have to read

Speaker 1 two books and an encyclopedia article to come up with any conclusions and we were smarter for it. Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. We're not doing that.

Speaker 1 This fucking old bull, this fucking shit where you romantic, stop romanticizing the past.

Speaker 1 That everybody have you ever seen heavy metal parking lot? That's what the fuck my generation was doing. We weren't reading two two books and going to an encyclopedia.

Speaker 1 Dude, the fucking information was worse back then.

Speaker 1 It was fucking old wives tales. If you had a tapeworm, you held a glass of warm milk in front of your mouth with your mouth open, and that was going to make it crawl.
Come on.

Speaker 1 Come on, let's stop at it. There were people.

Speaker 1 And there still are people today that will read two books and look at an encyclopedia, or at least an online version of an encyclopedia that hopefully has not been tampered with by Google, but we were not smarter for it.

Speaker 1 This is the thing, as an older person, you have to understand that when you were a kid, old people were looking at your generation saying they missed it. Nobody missed anything.

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 1 When you are young, those are the days because you're young. And then you look back and you romanticize the time.

Speaker 1 And then because

Speaker 1 you're looking at young people now and they're not doing what you did,

Speaker 1 you look at them like they're missing something. They're not missing anything.
They're young and they're enjoying their lives. Leave them alone.

Speaker 1 Stop trying to bum them out with your stupid fucking opinions. Because this generation right now, as fucked up as the world seems to people my age,

Speaker 1 in 25 fucking years, they're going to look back talking about the 2020s, telling these kids they missed it. And we were a tougher generation.

Speaker 1 We fought in Iraq and fucking Afghanistan and we lived through a pandemic. The fucking LA fires, you guys are soft.

Speaker 1 All it takes is one flying saucer to land and you guys shit your pants. That's what's going to happen.

Speaker 1 We were smarter for it. Literally everything technology is doing is designed to dumb us down.
So it was the same way back in the day.

Speaker 1 TV.

Speaker 1 There was nothing educational on television. It was just a sea of shit.
It's a vast wasteland. That's what they called it.
They called it the idiot box. And that's what we were doing.

Speaker 1 They were eating sugary fucking cereals. No one was fucking reading.
We had slingshots and lawn darts, and we were killing each other in the backyards. We were fucking looking at encyclopedias.

Speaker 1 That was for the nerd down the street who ended up starting Google.

Speaker 1 All right. And for the love of God, do not let your kids just sit and scroll an iPad.
The blue light is destroying their health and literally reprogramming natural pathways of thought. All right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a good point.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't know.

Speaker 1 That's

Speaker 1 just.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if I kind of learned anything, it's we're all basically rich people just, we're all things to them. And we're just pieces that they move around.

Speaker 1 I don't know, that's a cliched thing, but we really are. We don't mean anything to them.
They don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 And they like to keep us running. They like to keep us in fear.

Speaker 1 And anything bad that happens to us is an opportunity for them.

Speaker 1 And they feel that they're superior because when it's a time for empathy they go to opportunity

Speaker 1 and they think that that they you know and then they quote like the art of war or something about you know nature survival of the fittest whatever they they do you know they go in their ego to sort of mask the horror that they're doing um

Speaker 1 Someone was saying like all these mom-and-pop restaurants are opening up and offering food to firefighters and all this shit, but

Speaker 1 none of the chain restaurants are.

Speaker 1 Until somebody says that online and they're like, oh, we were going to do that. We were just

Speaker 1 all right, electric car flip.

Speaker 1 Hey, Billy Twist, it sounds like lately you're a little critical of electric cars, whereas before, you seem to come at anyone who trashed them. Yes, because you know what?

Speaker 1 I believed that it was going to be a good thing.

Speaker 1 Is this just contrarian bill hating on strong opinions in either direction? No, what happened was

Speaker 1 my wife has her second electric car. I fucking hate them.
And like, not to be a centrist, but I hate all modern cars now.

Speaker 1 All they're doing is spying on you, trying to figure out where you live and trying to suck information out of you.

Speaker 1 I'm selling my vehicles and I'm buying an old car and I'm just going to get a good mechanic.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to drive down the street in something fucking analog that's not trying to figure out what I'm thinking. That's where I'm at.
Okay?

Speaker 1 Back in the day, I was all for the electric car from the 1990s on, and I thought electric companies and all these fucking people were the devil. And what I've realized is that now that

Speaker 1 it's moving towards electricity, these same kinds of people are getting in power with the electrical cars, and it's going to be the same fucking game.

Speaker 1 And you'll see very quickly, because evidently China has control of whatever the fuck you need for the batteries, and it's in Africa. All of a sudden, Africa is going to become this zone of interest.

Speaker 1 Right and and all of that that's going to be where the next big war is They're going to demonize some sort of African country out out there.

Speaker 1 There's a bunch of terrorists that are trying to get us so they can go in there, blow everybody up, and get whatever the fuck they need is for their fucking cars. That's what they're going to do.

Speaker 1 That's why. So it's not me being a contrarian.

Speaker 1 And I'm not a contrarian. I fucking argue what I believe.
I hate contrarians because they just waste your time. All right, my sister-in-law suddenly hates Tesla because of Elon.

Speaker 1 I hate Tesla because I owned one.

Speaker 1 which

Speaker 1 exposes how much of a simp she is. Well, it exposes how much of a simp you are that you're using the word simp.
I hate people who use buzzwords that everybody else is using on the internet.

Speaker 1 No cap.

Speaker 1 When you're a white person saying that, okay, can't separate the art from the artist.

Speaker 1 She would make comments about the fact that my wife and I didn't drive EV vehicles and though I drive a a work truck and my wife has had the same car since 2009 all of a sudden her Mercedes gas-powered vehicle is A-O-K.

Speaker 1 Oh yeah, well that's because she's a moron

Speaker 1 and all you have to do is politicize something and then she suddenly feels she has an opinion.

Speaker 1 This is the same woman who has never gone a day and a half without buying something new to wear and refuses to wear the same clothes twice, which I think is pretty wasteful. Yeah, I would say so.

Speaker 1 She tries to give stuff to my wife, but my wife has no place to wear these dumb outfits. Yeah, that's how people who just consume appease themselves.

Speaker 1 They just take giant bags of fucking clothes and dump them off at Goodwill.

Speaker 1 You know, so Goodwill can throw them in the ocean.

Speaker 1 She used to rip on rich people until she became rich through her second marriage to a crooked businessman.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, this sounds like a Netflix series, but somehow acts like she's doing the earth's work.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. The spiritual toxic person.
That's one of my favorite people on the internet. I know most of your issues is with the evasive technology, but are you anti-electric cars?

Speaker 1 For the record, I'm pro-drive, whatever the fuck you want. You know what it is? I guess it's not anti-electric or anti-gas combustion.
It's just I'm anti-this is how business is done.

Speaker 1 And this whole idea that you know you start wars with people that have the thing that you need for the energy and all of that. And then also, like,

Speaker 1 you know, electric cars were sold as these things were cleaner and they were going to be better for the environment. They're still using up a ton of natural resources.

Speaker 1 You know, I don't buy that chatter though. They're actually worse than gas complexion.
I don't buy into that shit.

Speaker 1 But I feel that like what I also don't like about Teslas and everything that's being made now is these cars are like disposable. It's like they got everybody in a lease.
Like,

Speaker 1 that Tesla that I drove felt like the most rickety piece of shit.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 I'll tell you this, if you want speed,

Speaker 1 you know, point A to point B, you got to go electric. It's fucking incredible.
Unless you bought like a fucking motorcycle or have the money to buy like a supercar.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's insane how fast these things are. But

Speaker 1 what it it is, is I flipped because I bought into the fantasy that for some reason the people that were making electric cars were going to be better people than the oilmen.

Speaker 1 And it turns out they're the same people. They're just selling a different brand of energy.
So now my thing is

Speaker 1 just all modern cars, they're trying to do too much.

Speaker 1 I was driving a little too fast and I was coming up on this car

Speaker 1 and I would have stopped in time and the fucking car overrode me and just stomped on the brakes and kind of gave me low-key, like fucking whiplash.

Speaker 1 I didn't hit anything, and I got like fucking whiplash how hard it stomped into. You just stopped immediately like the fucking coyote running into the side of a fucking cliff.

Speaker 1 And I was sitting there going, why in the fuck is that necessary? In the violent way that it stopped me,

Speaker 1 you know, caused my brain to fucking jiggle around in my head a little. I wasn't going to hit the car.
I saw it. It just, I went beyond the parameters.

Speaker 1 You know, like the computer doesn't know my skill set, so it overrode me and just stopped the car immediately. And I'm thinking, like, why the fuck would it do that?

Speaker 1 And it's less like, oh, I know, because these cars are a lease. And they know they're getting the car back.

Speaker 1 And they don't want some banged up piece of shit that even if they charge you for it, they also have to take the time to fix it. So that I went paranoid there.
I went paranoid there. Admittedly.

Speaker 1 Admittedly, I went paranoid there. So that's why I flip-flopped.

Speaker 1 Because I bought the dream that the electric companies were cars were going to be run by people that cared about the environment rather than it was just another way to make money and start wars and all of that shit.

Speaker 1 Guarantee, I'm calling it right now. There'll be some sort of fucking war.
They'll demonize China.

Speaker 1 You know, and all they're going to be saying is, evidently, China wants to be doing what we're doing. How dare they?

Speaker 1 They're evil, and we're the beacon of freedom and then we'll have a giant war in Africa or South America, wherever the fucking, whatever the fuck they need is for the battery is.

Speaker 1 Somehow those people will be a threat to us. That's my prediction.
All right, insurance. Dear Billy, bong,

Speaker 1 bong ripper. Oh no.

Speaker 1 My daughter is a, you know what? I haven't even thought about that. Once I confessed that I wanted to get a bong, I haven't even thought about getting one now.
So

Speaker 1 I went long enough. I went my 10 days and now it's out of me and I'm going to stay away from that because that is the fucking devil.

Speaker 1 All right, my daughter is a freshman in college and our medical coverage provider is currently CEOless

Speaker 1 healthcare company.

Speaker 1 Oh, does that mean it's the Luigi one?

Speaker 1 In the past months, oh, no, she was denied an insurance claim for both an ER trip for a sprained ankle and refusal to cover any of the costs of her anxiety medication.

Speaker 1 The costs are just drops in the bucket for a billion-dollar company, but can be a significant burden on a poor college student.

Speaker 1 It makes me wonder why even pay for insurance in the first place if minor things like this won't be covered. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 And I'll tell you this, you can't beat these guys either, because if we all collectively somehow got organized, my fucking wallet's on the ground.

Speaker 1 Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 1 If we all collectively decided one day that we were all gonna cancel our insurance policies to fuck them back, right? And just end insurance.

Speaker 1 The people at the top, they would still survive because they still already have our money. And what they would then do is just liquidate the entire company.

Speaker 1 They would fuck over all the employees that were, you know, air quote below the line. And then they would take all the money as their bonus.
And this is the thing, it would be 100% fucking legal.

Speaker 1 And they would just be like, that is how busy she's done.

Speaker 1 They would just do that shit.

Speaker 1 Anyway, keep doing what you're doing. And I can't can't wait for your upcoming Hulu special.
And there is no need to go fuck yourself. Thank you.
All right.

Speaker 1 I got one more, and then I got to get out of here. All right, scuba divers perspective on ocean.
Oh my god.

Speaker 1 Please do something to calm me down.

Speaker 1 I am fucking terrified. Terrified of the ocean.

Speaker 1 Fucking terrified.

Speaker 1 Dear Billy, Desert Deserter.

Speaker 1 Longtime listener and recreational scuba diver. Wanted to offer offer my two cents here.
Okay, first of all, dude, you have balls

Speaker 1 bigger than my fucking head.

Speaker 1 The fact that you fucking

Speaker 1 put on a breathing apparatus and go into the fucking ocean. I wouldn't do that shit in a lake.

Speaker 1 It's like it is the closest thing to fucking going to outer space. You're literally in an atmosphere you can't even fucking breathe.
And it's insane. It's fucking insane.

Speaker 1 I don't even think Tom Cruise scuba dives and he duct tapes himself to the side of a plane that's taken off.

Speaker 1 All right, longtime listener and recreational scuba dive, I wanted to offer my two sets here.

Speaker 1 On the December 30th episode, you talked about how riding a motorcycle and flying a helicopter require you to focus on what you're doing, which you find relaxing, but other people find stressful.

Speaker 1 I find it similar to how I describe scuba diving in the ocean, something I do for fun.

Speaker 1 I know, dude, but at no point my hobbies can I be eaten alive.

Speaker 1 That's the thing.

Speaker 1 I mean, I would much rather just get attacked by a fucking lion. It's just going to grab you by the throat.
Within two seconds, you're out. Do you remember when that fucking

Speaker 1 tiger killed that guy in Vegas? You saw how quick that was? He grabbed him, and within two seconds, he went limp. That's it.
A shark comes up, takes a bite out of you.

Speaker 1 I think I like that. And then comes back.
Ugh, you're being eaten and drowning at the same time. Oh my god, it's terrifying.

Speaker 1 Anyway, when scuba diving, you need to pay attention to your air supply, your buoyancy, and your depth.

Speaker 1 Okay, air supply and depth, I get. I don't understand buoyancy.
That's fascinating. This is like getting a fucking pilot's license.

Speaker 1 So you don't end up in a situation where you're deep in the ocean, but don't have enough air to make a safe ascent to the surface. So I would think think that just like with flying,

Speaker 1 500 feet is something that gets brought up a lot. You know, if there's traffic in your area, I always try to be 500 feet above or below.

Speaker 1 If we are heading in the same direction or he's coming towards me or is within a mile, two miles of me.

Speaker 1 So I imagine that as far as like that, that triangle of staying alive or death, air supply buoyancy, and your death, I imagine that there are,

Speaker 1 it's super safe if you do what they say, just like aviation.

Speaker 1 My instructor says it all the time: aviation is as safe as you are. If you do all the shit that they say

Speaker 1 to do and you don't do the shit they say don't do, you are well within the bubble of safety, plus 500 feet.

Speaker 1 Okay, anyway, most people have said it sounds like a stressful experience, but like you, I find having to focus on these specific tasks while swimming is relaxing.

Speaker 1 Don't you also get this sense of satisfaction that, like, you know,

Speaker 1 being able to keep those three things in your head

Speaker 1 and like like for me, having a nice safe flight, making all the radio calls perfectly,

Speaker 1 doing everything that I'm supposed to do, and then having like a perfect fucking, nice, soft landing on the, on the helipad,

Speaker 1 every, to this day, still, all the hours that I've flown, it's still,

Speaker 1 it just makes me feel amazing when that happens. So

Speaker 1 this is interesting that you can get that going into the fucking ocean.

Speaker 1 Most people have said it sounds like a stressful experience, but like you, I find having to focus on these specific tasks while swimming is relaxing.

Speaker 1 Also, like flying, scuba diving regularly allows you to become one with your equipment to the point that tracking your air supply buoyancy and depth becomes instincts. That's cool.

Speaker 1 Your main objective might be that you have to deal with predators in the ocean.

Speaker 1 You have said that on the podcast that it terrifies you to see people swimming in the ocean without a concern for the predators that call the ocean home.

Speaker 1 I find these predators badass and awesome, and I get excited when I encounter them. Yeah, dude, you are wired differently from me.
Understatement. Such as the sharks.

Speaker 1 When he encounters sharks, he finds it badass. My experience with oceanic predators is that if you give them their space and don't be an annoying asshole, to them, they leave you be.

Speaker 1 But for me, seeing these oceanic predators in action, along with sea turtles and stingrays, makes the preparation and work required for scuba diving worthwhile.

Speaker 1 Always a pleasure to listen to the podcast, Break a Leg

Speaker 1 on the Broadway production of Glen Garrett, Glen Ross. Dude, that was a fucking calming explanation.
I get it.

Speaker 1 I still wouldn't fucking do it.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I get, I would want some clear. I don't know.
Would it be better to just be in murky water and you don't see it coming? Or would it be better to be in clear water so you could

Speaker 1 fucking avoid it. I don't know.
Anyway, that is the podcast.

Speaker 1 I got to get back.

Speaker 1 Got to get back to LA. All right.
That's it. Go fuck yourselves, okay? Don't go on the internet and try to rile people up.
Don't troll people. Don't let these rich cunts fucking divide you.
All right?

Speaker 1 You're helping them make the country worse. All right.
I'll see you. That's it.