Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-9-25

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 4 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in

Speaker 1 on you. Woo!

Speaker 4 Checking in on you. You know what? You guys have been checking in on me.

Speaker 4 And a lot of my friends back east have been checking in on how you doing? Are you all right? Are you safe?

Speaker 4 You know, and you know what that means when people check in on you and ask if you're all right, if you're safe.

Speaker 4 One, that means that they're concerned about you and your safety and they care about you. And then, more importantly, they want some gossip.
Like, what have you seen?

Speaker 4 I know there's the news reports, but you're out there. Can I get some more, something a little more juicy so I know something that my friends don't? Because I have a friend out there.

Speaker 4 He's one Canyon Over. And he said he saw a crazy homeless person on a parasail shooting flames.
Listen to this, shooting flames into a dog park.

Speaker 4 I think there's video on the internet, I'm not sure, but that's what he was saying.

Speaker 4 Dude, somebody said they saw a guy in a Dodge power wagon with a Trump hat on, throwing lit cigarettes out of his cab on either side

Speaker 4 I will say the frequency and where the fires were lit it did start to seem like all right like what's going on here man is this is this

Speaker 4 being done by somebody and then they show somebody goes yeah there was there was a guy doing it a guy there was a guy that was doing it

Speaker 4 Some guy did all of that. And then they show some crazy homeless guy in like a fucking, you know, residential area lighting like a fucking dumpster on fire.

Speaker 4 It's like, so you're telling me that fucking homeless guy somehow went with no car, no money, somehow went to the Palisades and then out to Pasadena and then to Laurel Canyon or Runyon Canyon.

Speaker 4 Is that what you're telling me? Is that what you figured out there on the internet?

Speaker 4 We had to evacuate like most people. It got a little scary.
It was one of those deals that if it jumped to Canyon, it would be like, all right,

Speaker 4 well, there goes all of my stuff. And I was just like, you know what? It's stuff.
What are you going to do? This is, you know, you know what a fire is.

Speaker 4 It's your opportunity to start your mortgage over again and build your dream house.

Speaker 4 That's what it is. I mean, the good thing is

Speaker 4 that,

Speaker 4 you know, I think where a lot of it happened was, you know, people do have money and they have insurance, hopefully.

Speaker 3 But,

Speaker 4 you know, it's going going to be funny is if one of them is an insurance CEO that made a bunch of money by denying fucking claims, and then does his claim get denied, or do they fucking push that through?

Speaker 4 I have no idea. I can tell you this:

Speaker 4 that I don't know if this is being talked about, but the level

Speaker 4 that the fireman and the DWP have been working through all of this, like we lost our power and you know, they were on it.

Speaker 4 Like, I mean, we only lost it for like 24 hours and they were just clearing trees and getting it, getting it back up as the wind is still blowing.

Speaker 4 And as much as, you know, because the winds were so high, the firemen couldn't contain, they were fighting it from becoming,

Speaker 4 you know.

Speaker 4 Like a like a summer blockbuster Hollywood movie, you know. So

Speaker 3 anyway,

Speaker 4 the majority of us out here are pretty much just dealing with really poor air quality. Thank God.

Speaker 4 But

Speaker 4 hats off to everyone fighting these fires and getting the electricity going again because I got me, they're fucking crushing it. And, you know, I'm not from here,

Speaker 4 but I've lived out here long enough that I stick up for LA. LA gets a ton of shit.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 most of it is from non-people not from LA

Speaker 4 talking shit, holding an award at some Hollywood award thing. And people think that that's,

Speaker 4 you know, what LA is.

Speaker 4 And, you know, a lot of lunatics move out here from other states, and then somehow it gets attributed with California. It's not California.

Speaker 4 It's an amazing place, and it's also a really tough city.

Speaker 4 There's this whole thing where I come from, the East East Coast, that everybody's such a flake out there, and they're fucking soft, and blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 4 I gotta be honest with you, the amount of East Coast people I see that move out here and can't hack it, and they fucking move back with their tail between their legs, and then they just,

Speaker 4 you know, to appease their ego, they say, oh, the people are too phony, they're too fucking plastic. It's like, okay, people are phony and plastic everywhere, and they fucking lie.

Speaker 4 It's just done in a different vibe. You know what I mean? Just enough already.
You got homesick and you couldn't fucking hack it out here. And people think this, everybody out here is soft.

Speaker 4 It's like earthquakes, fires, mudslides. I mean, it's funny.
They say that LA is soft. And then whenever people around the country see our weather, they start quoting the Bible.

Speaker 4 And like the end of the Bible, too, like revelations and shit. So,

Speaker 1 but anyway,

Speaker 4 but mostly people have been like positive or whatever.

Speaker 4 And by the way, you know,

Speaker 4 this is something I have a fucking problem with. Is that that that fucking cunt that owns Facebook and owns

Speaker 4 Instagram it's like the fact that that there's bots on those things just for the sole purpose to get people into arguments so they'll interact with the app

Speaker 4 that's another one of those things where I just look at that that's low-level fucking treason to just be going around trolling people at that fucking level because most of it is like political.

Speaker 4 Like there's been like people like attributing somehow this fire has been like politicized by like a small group of people.

Speaker 4 And then I watch all of these people jump on the thread and start like fucking,

Speaker 4 you know, arguing with this fucking robot that then becomes another person on the other side of the political coin.

Speaker 4 Like I just don't understand like why are these fucking nerds not called out for what it is that they're doing and how much they're exploiting people?

Speaker 4 And just they just write one fluff piece after another about the Twitter guy, the Facebook guy, these streaming service people.

Speaker 4 They don't look at them at how fucking heartless they really are and how they're making their money and that type of shit. And they just act like they're, oh, they're visionaries.

Speaker 4 Like Steve Jobs, the way they ball washed that guy his entire fucking life like he actually knew how to do magic was just fucking mind-blowing.

Speaker 3 You know, it's like,

Speaker 4 I don't know, like they just completely ignore those people's hands in the environmental disasters that are happening now and are continuing on, these fucking corporations, and how heartless they are, how corporations would rather pay a fine

Speaker 4 because it's cheaper than actually trying to do something where they're not destroying the fucking environment. That's like with Apple, like the fact that

Speaker 4 the new phone never fits the old charger.

Speaker 4 And then they align themselves with like Gandhi, like they're these nice people. It's like, you're not, you're fucking reptilian.

Speaker 4 All right, I'm off my soapbox. But having said that, yeah, it got a little scary.
Was kind of closing in on both sides there for a second. And, you know,

Speaker 4 jump a road here or a canyon there. So

Speaker 4 I just kind of mentally let go of everything in my house. I'm like, this is all fucking replaceable.
What am I going to do? The pictures was the thing.

Speaker 4 You know what I did buy is I have baby books that I, and quotes from my kids. I grabbed those

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 4 I just grabbed some clothes and shit like that.

Speaker 5 And I was just like, all right, well, we'll see.

Speaker 4 We will see.

Speaker 4 We'll see what happens. And I deliberately went the long way around because I didn't want my kids to see the fire, especially at night.
I knew that was going to be terrifying for them to see.

Speaker 4 But I will tell you this: under fucking rated

Speaker 3 is

Speaker 4 the light you get for photos during the day when there's that level of fires are fucking amazing.

Speaker 4 I was taking some pictures of my wife. She was standing next to this vintage Porsche

Speaker 4 that a friend of mine

Speaker 4 had rented or whatever. So I just took it.
It looks like a fucking album

Speaker 4 cover, like Stevie Nick's era. Not only from the year

Speaker 4 of the car, but like because there was sort of this yellow,

Speaker 4 warm sort of like, almost look like a faded photo

Speaker 4 that I took of her. I'm not going to lie, man.
I mean, is there anything better than that? A gorgeous woman next to a fucking beautiful car? I mean, that right there, that is the,

Speaker 4 like, that advertising will never not work.

Speaker 4 Because

Speaker 4 everyone knows it's true on both sides. You know that if you get that car, you're going to get that woman.

Speaker 4 And that woman knows if she looks good like that, she's going to be in the car of the guy that drives it that way.

Speaker 4 That makes enough money to buy it. That's basically what it is.
You know, for all this feminist talk,

Speaker 4 they're still traditional when it comes to you buying the nice car and you paying for it and you driving.

Speaker 4 I love my wife to death, but she's always doing shit like that. You want to go out to Palm Desert this weekend?

Speaker 1 It's just like,

Speaker 4 are you going to drive? Or am I going to fucking sit in that traffic and you're just going to stare at your fucking phone?

Speaker 4 No, what? I'll keep you company. I'll be like the DJ.
I'll get like the two. Yeah, you'll just fucking sit there like you're on an Amtrak.

Speaker 4 You know, getting food and all of that shit. And I'm gonna be sitting there like, you know, why am I the chauffeur in this fucking relationship? You have a driver's license.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 4 Why do I have to ruin everything? Just fucking drive.

Speaker 4 Anyway, so from what I heard, last report that I saw,

Speaker 4 which by the way, thank God Nia watches the news because I don't. So I had no idea that they told us that we had to evacuate.
I would have had no idea.

Speaker 4 And I would have been like one of those people. Like there was this video of these guys in this fucking house

Speaker 4 where like the flames were like in their backyard. And it was just like, how the fuck did you end up in that situation? Unless it was the start of the fire and you had no idea.

Speaker 4 And I was thinking like, well, I would have ended up in that situation because I don't watch the fucking, I I don't fucking watch anything anymore. I don't even know what I'm watching.

Speaker 4 I do the Duolingo French app every single day.

Speaker 4 And I try not to get involved in their

Speaker 4 things that they want

Speaker 4 to drive the app. Like, you know, to have you interact with the app.
They immediately try to put you in a group of these other people and they want you to make friends with them.

Speaker 4 And then they want you to compete with them. Who did the most French? You get points for every lesson that you did and if you don't fucking do enough, you get demoted.

Speaker 4 But if you do enough, you get promoted, okay? Or you stay at the same level. And ooh, each little trophy is a different fucking color.
And it's just like,

Speaker 4 you did it again.

Speaker 4 You did it again. Like, can you just, every fucking thing, no matter how pure the desire is,

Speaker 4 I love the language. I want to learn how to speak it.
I would love to be able to go to the French countryside

Speaker 4 and fucking hang out there smoking a cigar with some French guy smoking a cigarette and shooting this shit and hearing what he has to say about the world in his language.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 4 Tell me some stories about what you've done, right? That's what I want to do. But somehow, even on a fucking language app,

Speaker 4 you got to put on the fucking rat suit and start running on the wheel. It's the cheese.
It's right there. It's right there.
Run a little faster.

Speaker 1 Run a little faster

Speaker 4 they've done that with everything like the food network it's just fucking brutal to me they're literally like

Speaker 4 I've said this for years it's one of the nicest things you can do for somebody is to sit down and just make them a meal

Speaker 4 It's one of the nicest, loving, most warmest things you can do for somebody. And they've turned the entire fucking channel.
They don't even teach you how to cook anymore.

Speaker 4 All it is is these competition. And the fucking worst one on there is the one with the kids.

Speaker 4 Because they don't give them enough time they don't give them enough ingredients they put them under this fucking stress this total like abusive fucking relationship they're literally getting them like trained to work in the corporate world

Speaker 4 all right make this with less than what you need and not enough time and go and if you're the fucking slowest or if you do the worst job you can pack up your kid knife fucking bottom lip quiver and you can cry and walk the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 Like, why would you do that?

Speaker 4 And these kids kids are like crying going like, you know, I was a little disappointed with my souffle.

Speaker 1 When I put the potatoes in the ice bath, I knew that I took them out to zoom, but I was running out of time.

Speaker 4 It's like, look what you just did.

Speaker 4 That show should be called Adults Making Children Cry.

Speaker 4 This week on abusive adults, someone's going to be happy, but the rest of them are going to be crying. Welcome to the beautiful world of cooking, the art of cooking as seen through capitalism.

Speaker 4 Quicker, faster, less ingredients.

Speaker 4 Or you will have to pet, you are fired, and you will be homeless.

Speaker 4 And you'll be so crazy that you'll be on that fucking

Speaker 4 whatever that fucking thing is, where you're on the surfboard and you go up in the air and you'll be lighting the fires.

Speaker 4 Then he lucked that crazy homeless guy. This footage of it, you can look it up.

Speaker 3 He was kite surfing.

Speaker 1 Um

Speaker 4 I just love that whole fucking idea that there's this like some fucking crazy homeless guy.

Speaker 4 You know, he must have it at the very least he must have one of those scooters and he's just going around doing his

Speaker 4 treating the Hollywood Hills like Dresden, except he's doing it from the ground.

Speaker 4 He's firebombing the hills.

Speaker 4 I will say,

Speaker 4 if they do pin it on that guy,

Speaker 4 if I'm to believe that guy somehow went from Altadena, Pasadena, all the way out to the Palisades, swung by the Hollywood bowl and fucking God knows what, and then, you know, went behind some fucking redroof inn to light a dumpster on fire.

Speaker 4 If they pin all of this shit on that guy, like my buddy was suggesting,

Speaker 4 and it was funny, he goes,

Speaker 4 they said this guy's the guy that started the fires. They should fucking throw him in the fire.
And I'm like, yeah, doesn't that just, yeah, and that's all,

Speaker 4 it's a pretty neat package, isn't it? Just all wrapped up in a bow for you?

Speaker 4 You really going to go with the Oswald thing again? Is that what we're doing?

Speaker 4 It's kind of like that Epstein Island thing. The only guy who got in trouble was Epstein.
Wasn't that weird?

Speaker 4 It's like, well, what about all those fucking creepy guys that were going over there banging 12-year-olds?

Speaker 1 Nah,

Speaker 4 not interesting. It's just about Epstein.
And then the Maitre D. And she got in trouble too.

Speaker 4 And then that was it. So I would say if they put it on just this crazy homeless guy, which I don't even know if it's a thing, I'm just going off of this fucking text message

Speaker 4 because I have more important things to do. All right? Like watch this video somebody sent me of Van Halen in Italy lip-syncing to Mean Streets.

Speaker 4 Is it Mean Streets or Mean Street?

Speaker 4 Mean Street. Mean Streets was Martin Scorsese.
Martin.

Speaker 4 All right. So

Speaker 4 anyway.

Speaker 4 I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you to the fire department and the Department of Water and Power.

Speaker 4 What you guys did was amazing. And fuck everybody that's blaming the mayor.

Speaker 4 Corporations, like for the love of God, can you just keep your eye on the ball? Corporations and our government, politicians, have known about the dangers of the way that we were living and consuming.

Speaker 4 and the population and all of that whole thing since the late 1950s. They knew this shit was coming.
And they did nothing.

Speaker 4 They did nothing.

Speaker 4 They would introduce bills and then they would allow themselves to get paid off. And I feel they introduced the bills to get paid off.

Speaker 4 So the oil companies would be like, what is this? What is this?

Speaker 4 I didn't come up with it.

Speaker 4 But I guess I could make it go away if you were able to persuade me.

Speaker 4 So anyway, enough about that crap.

Speaker 4 Just with this bad air quality, I haven't been able to go out,

Speaker 4 you know, go out to the garage playing drums. Because even if I went out there, it's like it's not like it's airtight.
So I've been staying inside and I kind of

Speaker 4 fell back in love with playing guitar, you know, even though I'm really bad at it. But I got to tell you something.
I got this fucking tube amp.

Speaker 4 I'm not in my house right now, obviously.

Speaker 4 But I got to give you the name of it. The guy's out of North Carolina or South Carolina.

Speaker 4 And I can't play on anything else anymore.

Speaker 4 It even makes me sound good.

Speaker 4 They're just amazing. You know what I love too? Is I love how you turn it on and it isn't on for a second.
Like the tubes have to like warm up. It's just fucking gorgeous.

Speaker 4 Like so much, that's my shit.

Speaker 4 And I am also back to, I'm selling, you know, my vehicles before

Speaker 4 I go to New York.

Speaker 4 My Jaguar, unfortunately, has become a Jaguar.

Speaker 4 and I just did a bunch of repairs on it so now I know it's it's good it'll probably be good for like another 20,000 miles, but uh

Speaker 4 I've been informed that there's no nothing you can do,

Speaker 4 you know. So

Speaker 4 I don't know, but I did there was a few little cosmetic things that I wanted to get fixed.

Speaker 4 Like I always loved like old people that drove cars for a long time and there wasn't one ding or dent in them.

Speaker 3 They would always get it fixed.

Speaker 4 There was no trim missing on the side.

Speaker 4 They would, you know, keep up with the maintenance records. That's what I have.
I have all the maintenance records on it.

Speaker 4 There's nothing, like, not there's not even a scratch on the rims. The paint is perfect.
I got a clear wrap on it. It's a fucking gorgeous car, but I realize

Speaker 4 that the storm is coming. So this is a good time.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 I think I'm going to,

Speaker 4 I don't know what I'm going to get. I'm going to get something, but

Speaker 4 I like analog cars.

Speaker 4 I don't like this new shit. I don't like how

Speaker 4 they get into your phone and figure out where you live or whatever, you know, or figure out, you know, take the contacts and all of that shit.

Speaker 4 It's so fucking ridiculous that they're allowed to do that. We just accept it.

Speaker 4 You know, like the genius of all of these things is there's nobody to call or talk to anymore. So they can just sort of like,

Speaker 4 I mean, who am I yelling at? Like, if you have any problems, you can contact us on our fucking website, right? And you go on the fucking website and you're just talking to like an AI robot.

Speaker 4 Like I went to a breakfast place today. The fucking counter's right there.
They want me to like scan the thing. It's like, I'm not fucking doing that.

Speaker 4 I'm not doing that. I try to find out the blue book of my car.
They want me to put my license plate number in. It's like, why do you need that?

Speaker 4 The fuck do you need that for? I know the make and the model in the year of it. Tell me what the fuck it's worth.

Speaker 4 It's because they take that shit and then they fucking, they, they, they just anything they can to go sell to somebody else. So that was kind of what I was hoping in the, in the aftermath.

Speaker 4 You know what would be funny is if regular people,

Speaker 4 if we started fucking

Speaker 4 collecting information on them. and selling it amongst ourselves.
Like what if somebody, and rather than just, you know, who they are, where they live, if you go further than that, what they're doing,

Speaker 4 what they're up to. You know, they're looking at you, seeing what you're jerking off to, what you use to brush your teeth and listening to your phone calls.
Why don't we start fucking spying on them?

Speaker 4 How much fun would that be? I can tell you right now, there would be a privacy act, you know.

Speaker 4 If you started paying attention to the right fucking people,

Speaker 4 you know, there would be a privacy act, and the first one introduced would just be for them.

Speaker 4 No, no, no, you're included too. The privacy will trickle down.
It's always trickling. It's never flowing.
It's never equal. You're never on the same level.

Speaker 3 I don't know. All right.

Speaker 4 I think I've said enough cunty things here.

Speaker 4 Let's do some reads here.

Speaker 4 Let's do some reads.

Speaker 4 Let's do some reads.

Speaker 4 Some Rex reads. Remember him from the Brady Bunch?

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

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Speaker 4 Do you know how many people died in the LA fire because they got a fucking comfortable mattress? They slept right through it.

Speaker 4 All right, but if you want to fight with your wife and she had you downstairs on the L-shaped couch, you know, and you were sleeping like an apostrophe, you heard the flames coming.

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Speaker 4 Well, that's it.

Speaker 4 Once again, I can't thank the firefighters and the Department of Water and Power, the cops, everybody,

Speaker 4 everything that they did. It was insane.
These winds were like

Speaker 4 going up to like 100 miles per hour.

Speaker 4 Just the debris alone from that, if there was no fires, it was literally

Speaker 4 the quintessential shitstorm. So

Speaker 4 me and a bunch of comic friends of mine are without a doubt going to be doing a bunch of benefits for people that lost things. And then we're going to do something for the firefighters department.

Speaker 4 water and power, all of that shit. We got to do some big show for them.
I got to figure it out. And I also got to squeeze it in before before I leave.

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 4 we got to do something because as much as a bunch of people lost stuff, so many people didn't lose anything because of what they did and how quickly they got the power back on, which is really huge for older people, people medically compromised and that type of stuff.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 4 it was fucking amazing. And I have to be honest with you, like The amount of shit that I didn't learn from COVID.
Remember COVID and everybody did the run on the grocery stores and all of this shit.

Speaker 4 And I was just going, like, this is going to last for like a week. What are these fucking idiots doing? This is just like a snowstorm, except it's a virus.
It's going to be gone in a week, right?

Speaker 4 And I was wrong about that. And then you would have thought, you know,

Speaker 4 you would have thought I would have had the flashlight and the fresh batteries and the fucking,

Speaker 4 you know, gun turret on top of my house. But, you know,

Speaker 4 I really think

Speaker 4 I'm really just settling into the fact that I'm a Matrix guy.

Speaker 4 You know, you want to shoot me up with your fucking drugs? You want me to eat your poisoned food supply?

Speaker 4 You want me to sit there and just watch your sports and not question what's going on in the world? I'm your fucking guy.

Speaker 4 I'm not a deep thinker. I don't learn from past mistakes.
You know, whenever there's a shitstorm coming, always caught with my pants down. Always.

Speaker 4 But you know what? You need people like me.

Speaker 4 Because without people like me, heroes would have no one to rescue and organized people wouldn't feel organized. Because everyone would be organized, so then you would just be regular.

Speaker 4 But thanks to me,

Speaker 4 it works for all of us, the United Way.

Speaker 1 All right,

Speaker 4 is that it? Was there anything else?

Speaker 4 I know I mentioned Linda Lavin passing.

Speaker 3 That was a sad one.

Speaker 4 I loved her.

Speaker 4 She was fucking hot, too.

Speaker 4 Had that great Broadway voice.

Speaker 3 Alice, that was a great show.

Speaker 4 But once again, just like that Carly Simons song, when I got older, I used to love the theme song to Alice.

Speaker 3 Something like, Out of my head, out of my head.

Speaker 4 Something, something in between, I cooked and cleaned and went out of my head. That's it.
Going through life with blinders on, it's tough to see.

Speaker 4 I had to get out, get out from under and look for me.

Speaker 4 There's a new girl in town, and she's feeling good.

Speaker 4 I always love that. Feeling good.
That's when you have your hands back and you put the one knee up and then they do that Broadway run. Yada da, they fucking fly across the stage.

Speaker 4 But if things work out, she's gonna stay

Speaker 1 awhile.

Speaker 1 Ba ba ba ba ba.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 4 I used to watch that show, right?

Speaker 4 And I liked the guitar. I liked the beginning, you know?

Speaker 4 I thought that for a sitcom,

Speaker 4 that was a pretty, you know, that was a pretty funky fucking tune for a white chick

Speaker 4 driving across country to work in a Greasy Spoon in Arizona. But now that I'm older, when I watch the beginning of that, it's like she is leaving a fucking abusive relationship.

Speaker 4 Look at her. She's not even 40.
Her kid's almost like 16, 15, 16. So she had this kid.
She got married young,

Speaker 4 probably to a good-looking fellow that was in the police academy, right? Then he becomes a cop. He starts hanging out with the wrong guy.
Now he's eating donuts. He's drinking coffee.

Speaker 4 He's planting pistols on non-white people, you know?

Speaker 4 He's fucking drinking and he's drugging and now he's taking drugs off the drug dealer. He's got to get a taste of their business.

Speaker 1 And he's coming home and he's slapping her around.

Speaker 4 And Alice doesn't want Tommy to see this, so they say, fuck this shit. And they load up their fucking

Speaker 4 Ford station wagon, the country squire,

Speaker 4 and she's going to LA. She's got that Broadway voice.

Speaker 4 She should have gone to fucking New York. She goes to LA,

Speaker 4 only gets as far as Arizona. The car fucking breaks down.

Speaker 4 And it's like, once again, the same way she settled at 21 when she got married to a future drunk, alcoholic, abusive,

Speaker 4 decorated police officer.

Speaker 4 How can you leave now? I'm about to make detective.

Speaker 4 She then fucking goes out and she settles again.

Speaker 4 Settles again to work in a diner for some fucking,

Speaker 4 she is a sucker for an abusive loud man with a heart of gold underneath it. Because I want to say Mel Sharples, you know.

Speaker 4 He never like hit those women, but it was implied. The way he would point at them with the spatula when he was yelling at them.

Speaker 4 I think he did something to Vera. That's why I think she was such a space shot.

Speaker 4 There's a new girl in town. All right, that's it.
That's the podcast, everybody.

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 4 thank you for giving a shit about us out here. And for those of you who didn't, you know, who wrote those mean comments about, you know, good, let it burn, fuck all those liberals and all that shit,

Speaker 4 you just remember: next time there's a hurricane or a tornado and all of that shit, we always show up, us Hollywood liberals, we'll always be there to do a fucking

Speaker 4 benefit for you. And not because we like you, it's just we want you to watch our show so we keep making money.

Speaker 4 Oh, that might have been the truest thing I've ever said on this podcast. No, we do help, but it's also like, you know,

Speaker 4 you know, you can't piss off the people. You piss off the people in my business.
I mean, that's it. You're done.

Speaker 4 You're back on Queer Street.

Speaker 4 All right, that's it. I said it before, and I'll say it again.
That's the end of the podcast. Andrew Themelis, the wonderful Andrew Themeleis.

Speaker 4 Multi-talented, man who directed a stand-up special that got into cons,

Speaker 4 cans, however, you say it.

Speaker 4 He's gonna be picking out the music for a segue into a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from a Thursday a long time ago.

Speaker 4 All right, have a great weekend, you can't.

Speaker 3 It's Bill Burrow, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 19th. No, January 9th, sorry, 2017.

Speaker 3 January 9th, 2017. You know, that's how bad I am at math.
I can't even fucking say the date right.

Speaker 3 How's it going? How are you?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 3 the summer wind

Speaker 3 came fucking blowing in

Speaker 3 because of global warming.

Speaker 3 It's fucking cold for about two weeks and then it's hot.

Speaker 3 My fucking house is gonna melt and then it'll slip into the sea.

Speaker 3 I don't give a fuck that it's snowing in Massachusetts.

Speaker 3 Hey, what's going?

Speaker 3 What's going on? It's already getting hot as fuck out here.

Speaker 4 Dude, you should be a meteorologist. Yeah, it's going to be hot as fucking fucking Los Angeles.

Speaker 3 How are you? How's it going? Are you out there? You fighting a good fight?

Speaker 4 You're trying to be a better person? You're trying to turn around your fucking childhood? Well, join the club.

Speaker 3 Had a little setback yesterday. You know?

Speaker 3 Old fucking new Billy was running around and old Williams showed up yesterday. It's just, I, you know, whatever.

Speaker 3 I just got to keep fucking, you know, moving forward, you know, moving forward like the Celtics and the Bruins. Okay? We're not winning championships this year, but you know, we're trying.

Speaker 3 All right? I'm not going to get rid of all of my anger in fucking two weeks.

Speaker 3 But you know, if you can just chop away even a half a percent, you'll be a half a percent better today than you were yesterday.

Speaker 3 Jesus Christ, you know, you know what's fucked up is knowing that you're fucked up and then actually really analyzing yourself and you're like, whoa,

Speaker 3 I didn't know it was that deep.

Speaker 3 Anyways, so what do you do? What do you do when you know you're fucked up and you can't really fix it in a day? What do you do?

Speaker 3 Well, you know what you do is you fucking crack open a beer and you watch some goddamn sports. That's what you do to distract yourself from all this shit that's going on.

Speaker 3 I love this whole fucking story about the Russians hacking into the fucking Democratic National fucking convention committee fucking websites and all that. All these fucking Hillary supporters.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's why they fucking, Trump was able to eke it out.

Speaker 3 And it's just like, I can't even fucking, I can't listen to any. And then you look at the Trump supporters.

Speaker 4 You're like, eh, what's the big deal? It's just the Russians.

Speaker 3 The bottom line is you either give a fuck or don't give a fuck about what the Russians allegedly did or didn't fucking do, depending on whether you wear a blue tie or a fucking red tie.

Speaker 3 And I love how, in the end of all this, like I'm supposed to listen to the fucking CIA like they don't have an agenda. Everybody in this story has a fucking agenda.

Speaker 3 So it's like, all right, who the fuck do I listen to?

Speaker 3 You know? Good fucking Lord.

Speaker 3 You think Obama would give a shit

Speaker 3 if the hacking led to Hillary winning?

Speaker 3 we'll do something when the time is right and blah, blah, blah, blah. Why?

Speaker 3 Because the lady with the blue bra lost. What if she won, Obama? Well, then what the fuck would you do?

Speaker 3 You'd ride off into the sunset, getting ready to do your fucking speeches for fucking 300 grand a clip to the exact people that got you in the White House. It's all I can't.
That's why I watch sports.

Speaker 3 That's why I watch sports. Because other than a couple of mobbed-up refs here or there, you know, it's pretty fair.
It's about as fair as it can get, which means it isn't fair.

Speaker 3 So anyways,

Speaker 3 I love that people don't like that Trump is friends with Vladimir Putin.

Speaker 3 However, you say this is Putinum, Putinim.

Speaker 3 You know, that not being friends with the Russians the first time didn't work out too well. The whole thing almost blew up in our face.
So,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 3 why don't we try to hold hands this time?

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 3 I don't get into politics. I think war should be illegal.
I think war is literally, it's the temper tantrum of the fucking Illuminati, and then everybody else has to pay the fucking price.

Speaker 3 You know, and those rich loafer-wearing cunts will never step one foot into a battlefield. You know, they all make the fucking money off.
It's just a bunch of fucking bullshit.

Speaker 3 And when are they going to grow up? I love how I can't go over my fence and just take a bat out and beat the fuck out of my neighbor because of, I don't know, whatever the fuck they did.

Speaker 3 You know, the apple trees on their property and I want the apples on my fucking property and I can't just fucking try to force them to fucking give me their apples and when they don't I can then just fucking come up with an idea, I don't know, some sort of angle of bullshit that I tell the rest of my neighbors and I go over there and I fucking smash up his house and kill a few people in it.

Speaker 3 I don't, why can't I can't do that on a fucking local level, but as a country, countries can do that to one another. It's just fucking beyond me.

Speaker 3 They can't sit down at a fucking table and hash it out.

Speaker 3 Give us the oil.

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 3 Just sit there at the table for fucking years.

Speaker 3 Just doing different reads. Give us the oil.

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 There's my fucking wingnut, fucking conspiracy theory horseshit for you right out of the gate. So let's go right back to bread and circus.

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 3 Bread and fucking circus. You guys watch any of the playoff

Speaker 3 fucking football games?

Speaker 3 I'll tell you right now, the two luckiest teams in the NFL right now are the Seattle Seahawks and the New England Patriots.

Speaker 4 Why you say?

Speaker 3 Because the other two best remaining teams in both conferences are going to play each other next weekend. You know?

Speaker 3 While the Patriots play

Speaker 3 the Houston Texans and the Seattle Seahawks play the Atlanta Falcons. Now, I'm not trying to disrespect the Texans or the Falcons, but who's kidding who?

Speaker 3 If you're Seattle and you got the Cowboys, the Packers, and the Falcons left, which is the best game for you? Which gives you the best chance of moving on to the next round?

Speaker 4 Wow, those fucking dirty birds down there in Atlanta.

Speaker 3 With the real housewives and the down low brothers.

Speaker 3 And if in the AFC,

Speaker 3 I would much rather, as a Patriot fan, watch us play the Texans without JJ Hawatts, right?

Speaker 3 Playing a home game while the Kansas City Chiefs and the Pittsburgh Steelers beat the shit out of each other, you know?

Speaker 3 Cowboys and Green Bay are going to eliminate one of them, right?

Speaker 3 You know the deal. So rather than than Seattle having to go through fucking Green Bay and Dallas, they only got to go through one of them.

Speaker 3 And the Patriots, rather than having to play the Steelers and the fucking Chiefs, we only got to play one of them. Thank Christ the way that worked out.
So, both of us,

Speaker 3 if we play the game that we should be fucked, that we know how to play, should easily, not easily, but we should make it to the

Speaker 3 fucking NFC AFC championship game. And the fucking Patriots had a buy, so we're fucking, we're wearing flip-flops to the AFC Championship game.

Speaker 3 Having said that, I have no idea who's going to win the the Super Bowl.

Speaker 3 I, like many people, I think, were amazed at how easily the Packers handled the

Speaker 3 New York Football Giants. And as a Patriots fan, I did not enjoy that outcome

Speaker 3 because I wanted the rematch.

Speaker 3 You know?

Speaker 3 I said that fucking for the last five weeks. I want to see.

Speaker 3 I wanted the Patriots to play the Giants again. I wanted to see if

Speaker 3 definitively, if the Giants just fucking own us,

Speaker 3 you know, for the trilogy, or could we get some revenge? You know what I mean? That's what I was looking forward to.

Speaker 3 So, you know, and I also love Eli, and I actually love the Giants, believe it or not, as a Patriots team. I don't understand, like, as much as those two losses were painful, what is there to hate?

Speaker 3 They're a great fucking franchise. They always have a great fucking defense in a couple of tough years.

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 3 I wanted the rematch.

Speaker 3 Oh my God, that would have been huge fucking ratings. Although a rematch Patriots Seattle could also be a good thing.

Speaker 1 However,

Speaker 3 how many times have we beaten the Steelers in the playoffs?

Speaker 1 Playoffs?

Speaker 3 We've beaten them, I don't know, every fucking significant goddamn, I don't even know, I've lost count.

Speaker 3 Would this be number four?

Speaker 3 So you can't tell me the Steelers aren't due. And I don't know shit about Kansas City other than people tell me that they're really good.
So it's not going to be an easy AFC championship game.

Speaker 3 And if you're asking me if I'm looking past the Dallas Texans,

Speaker 3 I kind of am, but only as a fan. I don't play for the New England Patriots, so I think the Patriots will be fine that I'm kind of looking past

Speaker 3 the Houston Texans going into New England without JJ.

Speaker 3 How about that fucking catch by Richardson? You probably should say which one, but that one in the fucking end zone, that was like one of the best catches I've seen since Odell Beckham's.

Speaker 3 You know, it wasn't anywhere near as good as that, but Jesus Christ, fucking literally reaching around below the guy, you know, around his junk, past his taint.

Speaker 4 They throw a flag for an interception.

Speaker 3 You still fucking catch it. How many fucking times is there a flag in the end zone and the offensive team gets to deny it because the fucking wide receiver reached around.

Speaker 3 You know, that sounds fucking perverted, but around the defender. You know why? Because I stopped at reach around.

Speaker 3 Reach around.

Speaker 3 Jack, reach around.

Speaker 3 Fucking reached around the defender. They probably teach you that in broadcasting school.
You know? And one of the main things you have to look out for,

Speaker 3 other than staying away from advocacy of domestic violence against women, is when you're going to use the expression that

Speaker 3 the wide receiver reached around

Speaker 4 the defender.

Speaker 3 You got to get, you can't pause after a round. You got to to go right to defender.
Reach around the defender and then continue with your idea.

Speaker 3 Anyway, sorry. So,

Speaker 3 I don't know. A lot of people thought some of those playoff games were boring.
I know I did the Steelers-Dolphins one, and that was a fucking snooze fest, but it's the early rounds.

Speaker 3 It's the early rounds. Everybody's evenly matched.
I think next week's will be...

Speaker 3 will be great. We'll see what the fuck happens.

Speaker 4 Who do you like?

Speaker 3 Who do you like? I think a lot of people are on Seattle's fucking beak, as they say, right?

Speaker 3 Everybody's fucking looking at them like, oh, well, you know, they were just there and they played pretty good against the fucking Lions.

Speaker 3 You know, and then Green Bay, Green Bay's been there and everybody's like, oh, you know, fucking all of a sudden, here we go.

Speaker 4 Aaron fucking Rodgers looking like a beast in the second half, right?

Speaker 4 And then there's other people who go, oh, what about those fucking Cowboys?

Speaker 3 That's why I don't fucking watch pre- or post-game analysis.

Speaker 3 And probably why you got, well, actually, maybe you shouldn't fast-forward through this because I'll honestly tell you, I don't know what the fuck is going to happen. I have no idea.

Speaker 1 I don't know what happens.

Speaker 3 I haven't watched Kansas City all year. I just know that

Speaker 3 what the fuck says, Andy Reid is their coach. And the last time I watched them was the first time I saw him in a red jacket, and he looked like a big fucking tomato.
And I said, you know what?

Speaker 3 I'm done with this franchise.

Speaker 3 And the only other time I paid attention to it was when Paul Versey kept telling me that us trading Matt Castle or letting him go to the Chiefs was a huge fucking mistake.

Speaker 3 And do you think he ever apologized to me for making that sort of a comment? I don't think he did.

Speaker 4 I don't think he did.

Speaker 3 Anyway, so I'm continuing to try to do the impossible,

Speaker 3 which is watch every home game of the Boston Celtics and the Boston Bruins while sustaining a healthy marriage.

Speaker 3 It's not easy. You know what makes it really fucking hard is the Bruins and Celtics a lot of times play on the same day.

Speaker 3 And I, for some reason, never think, well, why don't you just watch one of them and then watch the other one on the off day? That's what I have to do. But I watched,

Speaker 3 you know, I watched the

Speaker 3 Celtics. Oh, I guess I taped the Pelican game.
So I watched the Celtics beat the Pelicans.

Speaker 3 And then I watched the Bruins fucking play the goddamn Hartford Whalers via North Carolina.

Speaker 3 And every time we play the fucking Hurricanes, it always goes into the last, we played them three times in the last month. It always goes into overtime.
And

Speaker 3 we usually lose to those cunts. I don't know what it was.
We used to own the Hartford Whalers, but once they become the fucking

Speaker 3 Carolina Hurricanes, we always lose to them.

Speaker 3 They're reminded me of what used to happen when the Patriots would go into Denver. We always lost.

Speaker 3 You know, granted, they had Craig Morton and then into John Elway.

Speaker 3 What did we have? We had Tony Eason. We had Steve Grogan.
We couldn't match up.

Speaker 3 The Orange crushed defense, and then John Elway was better than I'm sorry. He was better than Tony Eason,

Speaker 3 but he wasn't still on the draft board. And I know what you think.
Well, you should have picked Dan Marino. Well, you know,

Speaker 3 we didn't, like everybody else. We fucking didn't.
And you know who paid the price more than anybody else? Dan Marino.

Speaker 3 Because he went to fucking Miami and they never got him a running game or a defense. And to this day, people fucking trash him, saying he couldn't win the fucking big one.

Speaker 3 And meanwhile, they had to change every possible fucking rule in passing and tip it so totally forward to the fucking scales to the offense for Dan Marino's records to finally start falling.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I'm a big Dan Marino fan. Anyways, plowing ahead here.

Speaker 3 And I've been watching the Celtics just having a great fucking time watching both of them. And the Bruins, you know, they're hanging in there.

Speaker 3 We were out of the playoffs for a game, playoffs, and then we won.

Speaker 1 I don't know who the fuck we beat.

Speaker 3 I've been watching so many fucking games.

Speaker 3 We beat Buffalo twice, and then we fucking lost to Edmonton, and then we'd beat somebody, and then we fucking lost in overtime to

Speaker 3 the fucking Hurricanes, I believe. I don't know.
It gets crazy, dude. Trying to watch 162 fucking games.

Speaker 3 But, anyways, they're both fucking the. We play the Blues, and then the fucking Celtics got a huge game against the Toronto Raptors.

Speaker 3 Now, if you're not watching the Celtics of Boston, this is all you need to know. I'm going to read you their wins and losses, and you tell me if you can fucking pick up what's going on.

Speaker 3 We'll go back to them beating, they beat the,

Speaker 3 all right, here we go. December 16th,

Speaker 3 we beat the fucking,

Speaker 3 does that say the Hornets? When did the Hornets stop being the Bobcats?

Speaker 3 The Hornets moved to New Orleans, then they became the Pelicans, and then that name freed up, and then the Bobcats were like, all right, there's really, you know, not enough Bobcats out here in North Carolina.

Speaker 3 Can we go back to Hornets?

Speaker 1 Because them motherfuckers are everywhere.

Speaker 4 They go right at my overalls and shoe fly, North Carolina.

Speaker 3 All right, then we beat the Miami Heat. Then we beat the Memphis Grizzlies.

Speaker 3 Then we beat the fucking Indiana Pacers.

Speaker 3 Then we played.

Speaker 3 The Oklahoma City Thunder and we lost. Then we played the Knicks.
We beat them.

Speaker 3 Then we played the Grizzlies, we beat them. Then we played the Cavaliers and we lost.
You seeing a pattern here? Then we beat the Heat, then we beat the Jazz, then we beat the Sixers,

Speaker 3 then we beat the fucking Pelicans.

Speaker 3 And then Tuesday, we're playing the Toronto Raptors. So if you look, we fucking beat all the fucking regular Joe teams, Lunch Pale Larrys, but we can't beat the Cavs.
We're not beating fucking OKC.

Speaker 3 And now we got fucking

Speaker 3 we got Toronto. So, I don't know.
I'll be very excited if we fucking

Speaker 3 fucking win that game because we haven't really beat a contender yet since I've started watching them.

Speaker 3 But, anyways, they're saying the Celtics are like one fucking player away. They're not one player away.

Speaker 3 If you really watch the Cavaliers and you watch the Golden State Warriors, we're at least two fucking players away. The fact that they want to move like fucking Marcus Smart or fucking Jay Crowder

Speaker 3 for that white kid who used to play at Butler for Brad Stevens, you know, I'll tell you right now, I'm reverse racist when it comes to fucking basketball.

Speaker 3 We're going to trade a black guy and draft picks for a white guy who plays in Utah.

Speaker 3 I don't know. First he's telling me the guy's a beast.
Whatever is it, Hawthorne or some shit like that. I don't know shit about hoop.
I just started watching.

Speaker 3 I'm like a fucking housewife that finally got her Celtic apron and has stopped making ham hocks and is peeking into the living room. So I don't have no idea what I'm talking about.

Speaker 3 All I can tell you is that I'm loving watching the games. Dude, the Pelicans got a great fucking announcer, too.

Speaker 3 I was so pissed because I love listening to Tommy Heinzen and the other fucking guy who I don't know his goddamn name. I should.
He's been doing the Celtics games forever. But the Pelting, the

Speaker 3 that was, see that? That was the Pelicans and the Celtics. The Pelicans, or the Peltics,

Speaker 3 they actually combined during World War II. They played the Steagles.

Speaker 4 They got a great announcer.

Speaker 3 Old school, fucking,

Speaker 3 I don't know, had a lot of elements of Vince Scully. I thought he was a class act.

Speaker 3 He could tell he was rooting for the Pelicans, but he gave, you know, when his team committed fouls, he said, all right, that's a foul. You know, he wasn't a total homer.

Speaker 3 I like guys like that, and I also like total homers like Tommy Heinzen.

Speaker 3 All right, I'm going to stop talking about fucking basketball because that's about as deep as I go.

Speaker 3 Let me read a couple of

Speaker 3 couple of advertisements here. Old setback Billy.

Speaker 3 You know, I thought I came out of the fucking clouds. Hey, you know what? Somebody came up to me the other day, boo doo doo doo doo, and they go, hey, did you see that story about the pit bull?

Speaker 3 These people, this family tried to put a Christmas sweater on the pit bull and it fucking just snapped and mauled this woman. And you know what I said?

Speaker 3 I said, hey, did you hear about the cocker spaniel that bit that little girl's ear off? And then the person goes, no, I didn't. And I said, of course you didn't.

Speaker 3 They don't report on it, all the other shit.

Speaker 3 So I look up this whole pit bull thing. It's once in a while, people just going like, these pit bulls, man, they're crazy.
They're licking your face and they love their owner.

Speaker 3 And then one day they just kill them in their sleep. All this bullshit.
I looked it up. Okay, two things.
One, the dog's name was Scarface.

Speaker 3 Repeat, the dog's name was Scarface.

Speaker 3 Number two, they lived in Florida.

Speaker 3 Okay, can we quit blaming the fucking breed here?

Speaker 3 Jesus fucking Christ. That poor fucking dog, I can't imagine the abuse that that dog went through.
The dog's name, Scarface. What kind of dog do you think they wanted it to be?

Speaker 3 What do you think they trained it to be? That's what the fuck they did. Do you know when I was a kid, we had a West Highland white terrier, okay?

Speaker 3 And me and my brothers teased the fucking shit out of that dog. And it bit us routinely, bit me in the face one time, and I almost lost my eye.
You know why? Because we were horrible to the dog.

Speaker 3 That's why.

Speaker 3 Okay? If you get a pit bull and you name it fucking Scarface and you start feeding it fucking raw meat and making it attack shit, eventually,

Speaker 3 you know when you I guarantee you they abused the fucking shit out of that thing and what happened is when you put a sweater on a dog at some point its head head is underneath the fucking material and it probably flipped out.

Speaker 3 And then what happens is you've abused the dog.

Speaker 3 And rather than it being a little West Highland Terrier that you can push off of your fucking face, you've done it to a dog that is in a weight class that you cannot fucking handle.

Speaker 3 But then what happens is, is they blame the dog because human beings are so fucking precious and fucking make no goddamn mistakes.

Speaker 3 It's fucking ridiculous that they keep blaming those fucking dogs. And I know what you guys are thinking.
Well, Bill, didn't you just give away your pit bull? Yes, I did.

Speaker 3 Because I understood that I didn't have the capabilities as a fucking owner because of the abuse that happened to my dog.

Speaker 3 You know, my dog, when I first got it, I picked up a hockey stick, the fucking stick handle in my living room, and it ran to the other side of the room and started shaking uncontrollably. Okay?

Speaker 3 I don't know what the other people did that, but you know, when you do that to a fucking dog, you know, I don't know.

Speaker 3 I still love pit bulls, and I hate that people come up to me with those fucking stories. I don't give a fuck.
You know, dogs bite people all the fucking time.

Speaker 3 All these different breeds bite people all the fucking time. Every day, a dog bites somebody.
You're bringing a fucking animal into the fucking house. Okay?

Speaker 3 And if you're not a good owner and you don't know what the fucking you're doing, you could get bit. You get a hamster, you're going to get bit.
You get a pet snake, you're going to get bit.

Speaker 3 You're bringing a fucking animal into the house. My whole fucking life, pit bulls were biting people.
But it didn't get brought up until somewhere in the 90s.

Speaker 3 When I was growing up, it was one German shepherd, one Doberman pincher after a fucking other.

Speaker 4 You know?

Speaker 3 Meanwhile, Dalmatians are out of their fucking mind because they're purebred.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you know, I don't know.

Speaker 3 All right, let's get back to the fucking podcast. I just, I don't, I don't buy into it.

Speaker 3 The same way I don't buy into the fact that there's people in other countries, you know, just sitting there more evil than what the fuck is down the street from me. We're all fucking human beings.

Speaker 3 Some of us are good. Most Most of us are cunts.

Speaker 4 You know?

Speaker 3 I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about at this point. All right, let's continue on.
Let's continue on with the pudcast here.

Speaker 3 As you might have guessed at this point, still no baby. So we're still fucking waiting.
We are still waiting on pins and needles. And I am getting to the fucking point where it's just like

Speaker 3 it's like enough already. This is just like, it's like waiting to go on stage in front of a rowdy crowd.

Speaker 3 You just want to be like, can you you just bring me up already so I can fucking get this over with?

Speaker 3 Oh my God. And I've become an expert at talking people out of the vortex

Speaker 3 of them giving me giving me advice about what to do on the day.

Speaker 3 Because they just start telling me their stories and then I'll just be like, hey, did you see that fucking Nor'easter they just had back? You got family back east? And I just, I waltz them out of the

Speaker 3 Because I've tried being blunt with people being like listen listen listen hey hey hey hey hey hey I don't care I don't want to hear your fucking story your fucking story is not going to help me your story is all about you and you just talking about yourself and everything that you learned I don't give a shit I've talked to a thousand fucking people, it seems like, and every one of you tells me a different story and a different thing for me to expect, which makes me feel like every fucking thing's a little bit different.

Speaker 3 So for the love of God, can you you please shut the fuck up? Can you please stop with the verbal home videos?

Speaker 3 I can't wait to be a dad and not tell other people how to be a dad.

Speaker 3 That is my goal as a parent.

Speaker 3 I probably won't do it. I'll probably fucking follow the herd right over the cliff and be like, you know what you got to do?

Speaker 4 Tell you right now, look out for this.

Speaker 4 You know?

Speaker 3 Do you know this person told me the other day that fucking I would never play drums again the second my kids bored? Can you fucking believe how ridiculous that is?

Speaker 3 You won't be playing drums anymore.

Speaker 4 Oh, really? Well, you know, fucking

Speaker 3 Dave Grohl plays drums.

Speaker 4 He plays guitar too, and he sings in a band while touring the world.

Speaker 3 As far as what I've read, he's got a couple of kids.

Speaker 4 I think he's doing fine.

Speaker 3 John Bonham had a kid when he was fucking 19. His band didn't even make it yet.
He had a fucking kid before his band made it.

Speaker 3 He was a teen dad

Speaker 3 before MTV. And he went on to become arguably the greatest rock and roll drummer of all fucking time.

Speaker 4 You know what?

Speaker 3 I think old Freckles could sneak in a couple of paradiddles. What do you think?

Speaker 3 You know what I really think about parents? I think that there's certain people that know how to be a parent and not

Speaker 3 lose themselves in it.

Speaker 3 And actually still have a balance in their life where they have a card game every once in a while. Obviously, your life has to adjust.

Speaker 3 But these fucking people that just like, they just, they have no life and they just sit there staring at their children,

Speaker 3 you know?

Speaker 4 Honey, honey, honey, don't tell me.

Speaker 3 They never let their kids fall down.

Speaker 3 They don't let them fucking do everything. They just sit there

Speaker 3 like a fucking penguin with that goddamn egg underneath them. Except the kid's already bored.
I don't think, I don't know.

Speaker 3 I don't want to do that. I don't want that to be my life.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 I think if a kid is inside, considering that we were cavemen and we used to have babies and they were in caves and at any point, a saber-toothed tiger can come in

Speaker 3 and fucking just take the kid from you and then that's it. The fact that you're fucking inside with fucking central air, heating, and food.

Speaker 3 You don't have to hunt, you can go right down the street and go to the grocery store.

Speaker 3 I know I'm oversimplifying this, but I have to be honest with you. When I talk to other parents, all they do is just give me anxiety.
I'm so excited for this thing to happen.

Speaker 3 And then I talk to people that have kids, and

Speaker 3 they just dump all this anxiety on you. And I swear to God, I might be reading into this, but there's like a certain, like 30% of them that take like a certain perverted joy

Speaker 3 in making you feel, not feel well about this experience that's allegedly the greatest experience you're ever going to have. Like, they actually take this perverse joy.

Speaker 3 And I think that those people are actually bad parents. Because I think,

Speaker 3 I'm totally guessing here. I think that they resent their children.
and what they took from them. And they still wanted to do blow and go around and fucking have random sex with people.

Speaker 3 And there's they never quite got past they didn't quite fuck enough broads or jump on enough dicks i don't know what it is but i found it equally with men and women like 30 of them will take a perverse joy in trying to infuse some sort of like preemptive misery into your fucking life because i can tell you this right now

Speaker 3 i'm still gonna play fucking drums I have to, because if I don't, I will go out of my fucking mind.

Speaker 3 I'm not saying I'm going to play as much as I play, but to sit there, and if you fucking think that I'm going to sit here with the 71 green sparkle fucking Ludwig drum pit, and I'm not going to keep fucking playing this thing, you know.

Speaker 3 Those people who out there who play an instrument, okay, but you don't make a living off of it, and you stop playing it because you have a kid.

Speaker 3 Do you ever think about maybe, you know, just playing the instrument in front of your kid and maybe that they'll take to it, or maybe they'll play in an instrument that they could play, and you together you could have your own little fucking,

Speaker 3 you know, good time together, bonding through

Speaker 3 the, I don't know, the wonder of having music as a fucking hobby.

Speaker 1 Who are you hurting?

Speaker 4 Tell you right now, you better play that ukulele, because once that kid comes, you're never gonna play it.

Speaker 3 I mean, what is this kid like some little Donald Trump, and he's gonna fire me as a dad if I continue to do my little rudiments on my practice pad?

Speaker 3 How about I watch less TV?

Speaker 3 And the amount of time I spent watching all the Bruins and Celtics, why don't I take that out of my life and then put that towards watching the kid and then continue to play drums?

Speaker 3 I mean, there's adjustments you can make, right?

Speaker 3 Oh, fuck. I got to tell you this story.

Speaker 3 I always look at houses. You know, I'm not going to sell my house.
I love this fucking place as much as I bitch up. That's why I bitch about it because I love this fucking house.

Speaker 3 And I'm going to continue to fucking repair it. And I'm going to do the fucking homeowner 360.

Speaker 3 And when I have the whole thing fixed, I'm going to start over again on the first job because now it's going to be fucked up.

Speaker 3 Whatever I repaired at that point will then be fucked up. So anyways,

Speaker 3 there was this house for sale.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 I went to go see it. And it basically had

Speaker 3 everything that you could ever want, right? It was a beautiful house, you know, from the outside. It was a beautiful house.
It had a fucking pool.

Speaker 3 It had a garage detached from the house with a room above it, which to me is like, oh, there you go. I got the kid.

Speaker 3 I got the garage with the fucking room above it. I put my drums up there, turn it into a drum room/slash podcast room.
There you go. That is my fucking dream.

Speaker 3 So I go over to go look at this fucking place, right? Knowing full well I'm not going to fucking buy it.

Speaker 3 Because I can tell at this point, having bought a fucking house that needed all the work it does,

Speaker 3 as I'm driving up to it, I can already see the fucking windows need to be replaced and it needs a new roof.

Speaker 4 Even though they told me you know we checked out the roof there we had some inspectors they said it's fine oh yeah

Speaker 4 is that what they said

Speaker 3 why are all these water stains all over the side of the fucking house what's that about

Speaker 3 i like how the windows don't fucking quite they're not flush look at that look at the rot around all of those fucking windows This house, I can tell you right now, is already a borderline teardown.

Speaker 3 And I haven't even gotten into it yet. So I walk into this fucking house and holy shit

Speaker 3 Holy fucking shit, dude. I took a tour of this house.
There was three separate times that I thought I was going to get murdered.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 First of all, we go to look at the room above the garage first and there's just this moss growing on the side of the house, which I don't know if it was mold or if it was moss. It was fucking green.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 the guy trying to sell it is, you know, he's doing his best going, you know, it's a mother-in-law suite. You can fucking do this.
You can do that.

Speaker 3 there's room to add a little more onto the garage and i just point to the i'm like what is that and he goes yeah well you know it needs to definitely need a little bit of work

Speaker 3 and uh so i go into the house

Speaker 3 and there's this random guy living there who isn't the owner has a ponytail it's sparsely furnished It was made in the 1920s, so it's already like creepy.

Speaker 3 You can already feel how many people have lived there and are now dead.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 we just walk around the house. It got remodeled sometime in the 90s, yet it still had the fucking,

Speaker 3 you know, Long Cheney Jr. vibe of it from the 20s.

Speaker 3 And I go downstairs. It was like a basement, which they just don't have out here.

Speaker 3 And the guy's like, he can make this into a TV room. And there was all like these fucking files and film and all this shit down there.

Speaker 3 And like, you know, that was the first time I was thinking about like Saw or the Blair Witch. And I'm like, all right, can we go back upstairs? So we go back upstairs, we go all the way upstairs.

Speaker 3 Then there was this random, like, teenage girl living there that was the daughter of the dude downstairs who wasn't fucking, who lives there, but I don't know, it's not his house.

Speaker 3 And we look up there, and there's this stuffy fucking smell. And then as we go down to go to the master bedroom, they said, oh, the owner

Speaker 3 is the owner is just to let you know the owner is there. He's in the house, which usually they fucking leave.

Speaker 3 There's There's all these people just there, and this fucking cat just sitting there looking at me.

Speaker 3 And I do the after you to go to the master bedroom, and he does the after you to me. And then I didn't want to be rude.

Speaker 3 So now I'm walking towards the master bedroom down this creepy fucking Transylvania hall

Speaker 3 with

Speaker 3 the fucking the guy smiley real estate agent behind me who you know he's the I'm sitting there going like he's regular looking good looking guy that was to make me feel safe and now I'm fucked and I'm walking towards this fucking door

Speaker 3 and I open the fucking door

Speaker 3 and I look in there and I swear to God there's this guy

Speaker 3 with like gray skin

Speaker 3 totally fucking bald like the landing strip and then like you know like the little fucking Mr.

Speaker 3 Whipple fucking hair around the side that he sort of died at some point but now it was like this gray he was totally gray you could see the veins on the side of his head like Clint Eastwood, but not like I wouldn't want to fight Clint Eastwood.

Speaker 3 More like, did this guy die and then come back? And he was sitting down hunched down. I think he was typing on the side of his bed.

Speaker 3 The place was a mess, and he just sort of looked over me and just like, hey.

Speaker 3 He looked like the fucking dad in the Texas Chainsaw massacre. And I was just like, what the fuck?

Speaker 3 So I went like, hey, hey man, how are you? I sort of stepped around him.

Speaker 3 And then when I went to look look into the bathroom, which I did for fucking two seconds, you know, trying to feel the backside pressure, by the way.

Speaker 3 You know, like when a quarterback doesn't feel the rush, you know, trying to feel that fucking axe that was about to be going to my back.

Speaker 3 I look into the bathroom and all along the bathtub, this guy had knee-high dress socks drying

Speaker 3 on the, and I was just like, ah! And I was just like, all right, man, I'll fucking see you later.

Speaker 3 And I did, I, like, you ever see that walk racing that was a big fad in the 70s? I did that right out of that fucking house. And

Speaker 3 I said to the real estate guy, I go, Jesus Christ, I can see why this has been on the market for so fucking long.

Speaker 3 How the fuck are you supposed to sell it when the goddamn creeper keeper is?

Speaker 3 Creep keeper, the crip keeper?

Speaker 3 I'm like verbally dyslexic. Forget about trying to read.

Speaker 3 It's sitting up there.

Speaker 3 I didn't dare look, you know, when I was standing there and I said all this shit.

Speaker 3 And I know those old houses, you can hear everything when you're right outside.

Speaker 3 I was standing right underneath the fucking bedroom window and I didn't dare look up there because I had a feeling he was going to be standing in the window staring at me and I was going to have fucking nightmares.

Speaker 3 And I just, I just, I fucking left.

Speaker 3 I left. And I have this creepy fucking feeling that because I went into that house, I got exposed to something.

Speaker 3 And at some point today, my home phone, which I never use, so it never fucking rings, is going to ring and I'm going to pick it up. And it's going to be that guy's voice going, seven days.

Speaker 3 And then I got to somehow expose somebody I know to it so I don't fucking die.

Speaker 3 Having said that, it was a great house that had a lot of potential.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 3 Jesus Christ, that house needed a giant fucking hug. Needed to get that guy out of it.
And just you needed to buy all the sage in the state of California and fucking set it on fire.

Speaker 3 And one thing either happens, either it burns out all the spirits or it burns down the house and you start over again

Speaker 3 having said that though despite how fucking creepy it was the fact that it had a room over a garage that's that's the only way I would ever leave this house is if I could find a fucking house you know

Speaker 3 I don't know I got to get out of this fucking state I got to get out of this fucking city. It's so fucking stupid.

Speaker 3 Every fucking house, I don't care how nice it is, you can literally stick your hand out the window and before your hand completely extends you can touch your neighbor's house

Speaker 3 it's unbelievable it's like where the fuck do you have to go there's just too many fucking people

Speaker 3 um anyways plowing ahead here um

Speaker 3 should i do some reads for this week let's do some reads

Speaker 3 what do we got here i got a little more advertising to go

Speaker 3 who the fuck wants to listen to me read out loud anymore let's uh let's read some of the uh some of the questions for the week i'll read two of these and then the last two advertisings.

Speaker 3 How about that? All right. And then I'll read the rest of the questions.
All right.

Speaker 4 Polish invention.

Speaker 3 Hey, Bill, I saw this on Reddit.

Speaker 4 How the fuck do people go to Reddit, by the way?

Speaker 3 How do you even figure out what's going on? It looks like computer code. People always tell me, you got to go on Reddit.
It's like,

Speaker 3 it looks like the fucking Declaration of Independence. I'm not reading all that shit.

Speaker 3 I saw this on Reddit. It was a machine made by some Polish guy to cut wood.
Does knowing it's Polish make you double guess yourself?

Speaker 3 Double guess yourself as to whether or not it's good invention because of Polish jokes? Double guess yourself. And this guy's making fun of Polish people.
I definitely did.

Speaker 3 I'm at the point where I have no idea your thoughts.

Speaker 3 Well, I don't know how to click. I gotta go back here to click the link.
I can tell you this. I don't think we need any better way to cut down fucking trees.

Speaker 3 Did you ever see that fucking invention?

Speaker 3 It looks like a fucking bulldozer without the bulldozer front end, and the thing just reaches out, grabs the tree, rips it out of the ground, turns it fucking horizontal, and goes

Speaker 3 up one side,

Speaker 3 down the other, and completely strips it down. And it does this within like fucking,

Speaker 3 I don't know, within 10 seconds. And literally one man in that machine could do the work of like an army of lumberjacks for a year.

Speaker 3 It's terrifying when I saw it, to be honest with you.

Speaker 3 You know, as I talk about looking at a house that I don't need and then redoing it. What are you going to redo it, Bill? What are you going to redo it with?

Speaker 3 The fucking wood that that machine cut down.

Speaker 3 Um, all right, let me see if I can find the uh

Speaker 3 all right. Here's the link.

Speaker 3 Let me look at this thing.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 Oh, God.

Speaker 3 Well, you know what? I know you're making fun of Polish people. This is just some guy in his backyard came up with this.
I bet you couldn't come up with this fucking thing.

Speaker 3 And to be honest with you, I just had to cut up my Christmas tree for this year. Sorry, I'm sure that was really annoying to listen to.

Speaker 3 That's great. Let's see what people say underneath.

Speaker 3 This is way better than the a thousand-degree knife videos. I am irrationally angry at the completely different sizes of cuts of the second log.

Speaker 3 Short on fire load, we specialize in short firewood.

Speaker 3 I don't even know what this guy put on there, but he basically

Speaker 3 he hooked it up to his

Speaker 3 what's that thing between the transmission and the differential?

Speaker 3 Past the universal joint. I'm going fucking blank here.
He basically just hooked it up to that. And he's using the engine, turning of the engine.

Speaker 3 Why do people just hate on everybody out there?

Speaker 1 Good for him.

Speaker 3 I don't fucking was I supposed to trash Polish people? I like Polish people. I like their food.
And

Speaker 3 I don't know. I mean, I'm sure they've made movies about it, but not here in the United States because we're so focused on our own fucking point of view like most countries.
But

Speaker 3 Poland,

Speaker 3 I'm fascinated with because during World War II, they were sandwiched between two of the biggest madmen of all time, Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin.

Speaker 3 They were stuck in between the two of them.

Speaker 3 The most precarious fucking position of any country that I can ever fucking think of. And they somehow fucking survived.
So I don't think they're dumb.

Speaker 3 And I look forward someday to going there and seeing that beautiful country, eating their food and doing a fucking show.

Speaker 4 Woo! Having a couple of fucking beers. All right, from Turkey.

Speaker 3 I'm sick of being called a delusional conspiracy theorist by my family and my lady.

Speaker 3 He said, I live in the Republic of Turkey. Maybe you've heard that there was a coup here last year.
Yes, I did.

Speaker 3 I put it in quotation because it was the most pathetic attempt in Turkish history.

Speaker 3 So it didn't go down like the Ukraine.

Speaker 3 Long conspiracy short, your guys were losing control of our guys whom they installed here to have a nice little proxy to

Speaker 3 the lovely oil desert downtown. Desert's downtown.
I already love how this person is thinking.

Speaker 3 So they try to pull the carpet from under our guys because God knows they can't pass aggression wars in your Congress anymore since you American citizens are woke as fuck now, thankfully.

Speaker 3 I guess we're not because I don't know what any of this means. By the way, you don't write like you're from Turkey, like this is your second language.

Speaker 3 You're using like really high-level slang for someone who lives on the other side of the world.

Speaker 3 Anyways, this pathetic coup attempt created a lot of turmoil here.

Speaker 3 I mean, it would be less destructive if it succeeded because now through their paranoia, they are going full ape shit, which turns Turkey to a bittersweet heaven for a conspiracy theorists like myself with all the stuff going on.

Speaker 3 All right, well, there's no fucking way I'm reading your name so you don't end up in a jail if you actually are from Turkey.

Speaker 3 I can deal with my family's indifference to all this, and my friends

Speaker 3 are most like me regarding these subjects. But the fact that my girl stonewalls me, goes,

Speaker 3 yeah, doll, okay, really annoys me down deep. Of course it does.
Anytime you're passionate about an opinion and somebody just goes, oh, really? Okay, sweetheart. Forget about it

Speaker 3 if it's a woman that you have feelings for.

Speaker 3 She is a totally dope chick in every other aspect. Dude, you're not from Turkey.
You're not from Turkey, but I'll continue with this. Fun to hang out, hates the movies and music I hate.

Speaker 3 Has C-cup fun pillows that were sculpted by God himself for my palms. But I can't help lose respect for her when it comes to her not giving a single shit about politics and stuff.

Speaker 3 She's convinced she doesn't get affected by them for some reason, and it doesn't matter. I'm curious how you dealt with this feeling.

Speaker 3 Also, I'm very interested in how you reach information about the world and what news outlets you trust from Turkey with love to you and Nia.

Speaker 3 All right, well, let's say you're from Turkey. Very impressive.
Your English and your slang. You're actually better at my language than I am.

Speaker 3 All right, here's what you have to understand as a conspiracy theorist: that you're

Speaker 3 really

Speaker 3 a lot to deal with, and you really wear people out. This is what I learned when I went down the rabbit hole, which I got out of a good two, three years ago.

Speaker 3 Is that as much as you don't trust what the fuck people are telling you, which is really common sense.

Speaker 3 And I'm not saying there's a bunch of fucking crazy people living under a mountain pulling the strings.

Speaker 3 But what I'm saying is that everybody is spinning this shit because everybody has their own agenda. So you can't, you don't, like if you just, if you fucking showed up to a two-car accident okay

Speaker 3 both people are gonna spin it in a way even if one person was a hundred percent right they're still gonna spin it so there's no fucking way that you know they can be perceived

Speaker 3 They're gonna spin it just because the other person is spinning it, just to offset their spinning of it. It's like listening to that whole fucking Russia tapped into, you know, hacked into our shit.

Speaker 3 You're gonna listen to the Democrats spinning it, the Republicans spinning it, the CIA spinning it, and then fucking Russia, their spin on it. So at the end of it, who the fuck knows what happened?

Speaker 3 I just love how our country is acting like we don't spy on Russia and we don't try to influence elections around the fucking world and we haven't placed people in power, taken people out and all of that.

Speaker 3 It's fucking hilarious. All of a sudden it happens to us and it's a big goddamn tragedy.
So

Speaker 3 I would say

Speaker 3 respect the fact that she's not into politics. I'm envious of people that can then, you you know, I kind of did that after a while.
Like, after a while, it's just like you're screaming into a tornado.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 3 It's way bigger than you are.

Speaker 3 There are people out there that have the ability and the influence to fucking, I guess, turn shit around, but I'm not that guy. I'm just some fucking guy ruining your beer at a bar

Speaker 3 by bringing all my delusional, paranoid fucking thoughts. Whether I'm right or not, which I was probably right on a few things, like Mel Gibson in that movie where he drove the taxi cab.

Speaker 3 I was probably right about a few fucking things, but I don't know what they are. So all you're doing is just annoying the shit out of people.

Speaker 3 And I have to be honest with you, if your girl actually loves you and she's to the point of responding of, yeah, doll, okay.

Speaker 3 I think you've probably worn her down. I bet she didn't say that in the beginning.

Speaker 3 She probably listened to it and you probably freaked her out and you don't have a solution. You're just saying all this fucking shit that's just going to ruin her day.

Speaker 3 So maybe that's her defense mechanism. And what I'm doing is

Speaker 3 I'm not going Dr. Phil here and just siding with the woman because I don't have a female audience.
I'm like that fucking dishonest cunt, right?

Speaker 4 You need to do what she says. Woo!

Speaker 3 When you look, ladies, when you look at Dr. Phil,

Speaker 3 when you honestly look at that man, do you see somebody, do you honestly, do you not see how volatile a human being that guy is?

Speaker 3 Can you just imagine living with that man when he loses his shit? Just imagine

Speaker 3 that semi-bald head and face just beat red, screaming at you.

Speaker 3 His spittle getting caught in his mustache. Just imagine that.
And he's a big man, too, okay? I'm telling you. I know he's got that southern drawl and you just think everybody's a fucking gentleman.

Speaker 3 You know, the way women love a foreign fucking accent. I guess guys like it too.

Speaker 3 I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Anyways, let's get back to this guy.

Speaker 3 To lose respect for the fact that somebody's not into what the fuck you're into

Speaker 3 is,

Speaker 3 that's a sign, you know,

Speaker 3 it'd be one thing if she just didn't give a fuck about

Speaker 1 me. I don't know.

Speaker 3 I'd have to know who the fuck she was. That could just be a defense mechanism where it's just like, whatever, it doesn't affect my life.

Speaker 3 You know, I've done that with global warming and all of that type of shit. I've just started to block it out because there's nothing I can do to get people

Speaker 3 to,

Speaker 3 and I don't even know what the

Speaker 3 fucking solution is.

Speaker 3 The only solution I have is to fucking exterminate most of us, 90% of us, and then just fucking, everybody sits in a ball and hopes that everything that we've put into the earth and into the air kind of goes away after a while.

Speaker 3 That's the only solution I have, which I don't think that that's going to work.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 I don't know. I just, you know, I try to fucking do whatever the fuck I can do, which is, you know,

Speaker 3 I don't know. See, dude, this is why people don't like conceit.

Speaker 3 You literally bringing this up has brought me to a dark fucking place. And your email alone just told me that, just got me to say that we need to exterminate 90% of the people on the fucking planet.

Speaker 3 How insane is that?

Speaker 3 How are you going to do that, Bill? You're going to do that to babies too? Or you're not going to do babies, but you're going to kill all those fucking parents and then what?

Speaker 3 You're going to have the most giant fucking nursery?

Speaker 3 It all unravels.

Speaker 3 The whole fucking thing. That's why I kind of stopped doing the conspiracy theory thing, even though I still throw it out there because it's fun.

Speaker 3 And I also don't believe a fucking word anybody's telling me

Speaker 3 when it comes to that shit. You know, one-on-one, you know, if I sat down with somebody and there's not cameras around, then I could feel like they can really be honest with me.

Speaker 3 But the second you're on TV, you know,

Speaker 3 there's only so honest you can be.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 I don't know. I would

Speaker 3 probably guess that on some level, you're a lot to be around during certain news stories. And

Speaker 3 I think you should lighten up a little bit.

Speaker 3 Take your girlfriend out, go get a fucking ice cream, and enjoy the fact that someone as beautiful as you're saying is she is actually can tolerate you and your fucking theories.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 Having said that, if I ever go to Turkey, I'll definitely have a beer with you and then I'll fucking, I'll go fucking toe for toe with you with conspiracy theories.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 And thank you for listening to the podcast. Okay.
Girlfriend was unwillingly married.

Speaker 5 What?

Speaker 5 All right.

Speaker 3 Dear Billy Psycho Tits. I don't know what that means, but I like that one.
I'm 25 years old. And finally found out the girl of my dreams.
And finally found the girl of my dreams.

Speaker 3 Well, good for you, dude. You found her pretty young.

Speaker 3 She's 23 years old.

Speaker 1 Smart,

Speaker 4 super attractive.

Speaker 3 And we have been in a relationship for the last nine months. I don't even have the urge to go to bars and sleep with women anymore.
She has me all types of screwed up. It's amazing.

Speaker 3 My family loves her, especially my father, who never gives a shit about my relationships.

Speaker 3 She's from Yemen and is Muslim.

Speaker 3 And although she doesn't really follow the religion,

Speaker 3 she's forced to by her parents. That being said, one weekend last month, she told me her sister was having an arranged marriage and she was headed to the wedding.

Speaker 3 I did not hear from her for three days. She finally contacted.
Oh, no.

Speaker 3 She finally contacted me back after I constantly reached out to her, and she told me we had to talk.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 3 Once we met up, she told me she was unwillingly married off to a man from Yemen and that she had no idea this was going to happen.

Speaker 3 Oh my god, is this real?

Speaker 3 Is this a lifetime script? She told me that since her parents signed the marriage documents, she really had no choice in her religion. In God's eyes, she's married.

Speaker 3 She made it clear that she was in love with me and that she wanted to be with me. Is that fucking chick who punches herself in the chest going to start singing at this point?

Speaker 3 What's her name? She does the casino gigs, she's from Canada.

Speaker 3 She sang the Titanic song, right?

Speaker 4 Leonardo DiCaprio

Speaker 1 on the front of a ship,

Speaker 3 whatever the fucking song. No, that's that's in the arms of the angel, that's about rescue dogs.

Speaker 3 What fucking song?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, near far well.

Speaker 1 Ugh.

Speaker 3 How much does she fucking hate that song? Having to sing that to a bunch of casino dopes sitting there in flip-flops, getting teared up, you know?

Speaker 3 Anyways, she made it clear with me. She made it clear that she was in love with me and that she wanted me to be with me only.
She told me she pleaded with her parents, but they wouldn't budge.

Speaker 3 We then came up with a date that if her parents still wouldn't budge, she would just move in with me out of her parents' home and we would figure it out together.

Speaker 3 During the week after, text messages turned to about three messages a day, and I did not get to see her at all.

Speaker 3 Even if you made this up, this is an incredible story. I then got a message from her best friend, and she told me

Speaker 3 that my girlfriend was lying to me.

Speaker 3 Oh, now who do you believe? She told me that my girl had been engaged since she was 16 years old.

Speaker 3 Her new husband is forcing himself to try to fuck her, and she is threatening her and is threatening her with violence. Alright, dude, this is going outside the realm of my silly little podcast here.

Speaker 3 As well as

Speaker 3 taking her

Speaker 3 away her phone.

Speaker 3 She does make it clear that my girl does love me with all her heart, but will never leave due to her parents disowning her if she decides to leave this marriage. What the fuck?

Speaker 3 What period? The period. Fuck period.
I immediately contact my girl and she admits to everything. She told me she knew about the wedding beforehand and doesn't think she could do that to her family.

Speaker 3 He's trying to have sex with her, but she cries and then he just stops. Oh boy.
Well, you know what? I commend that other guy. You know what I mean? Any guy who can plow through a woman crying.

Speaker 3 She's just a fucking animal that needs to be shot in the back of the fucking head. So this guy's actually not a bad guy, I don't think.
He's just wrapped up in the fucking custom. Ah, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 Gotta love religion, everybody. I have no idea what to do.
She won't go against her parents, but she loves me and she's just given up.

Speaker 3 She was such a strong and tough person, and now she's just going with the unwilling. Maybe she should just keep crying.

Speaker 3 And that guy's decent enough to do to just be like, all right, you know, fuck this.

Speaker 3 Her friend told me she's depressed and doesn't have the fight in her. Currently, she's blocked my friends, our mutual friends and our family off from social media.

Speaker 3 My family and friends have been calming me down. This guy who thinks he owns my girl would get American History X curb stomp if I find out he lays a hand on her.

Speaker 3 All right, this stop being funny like at least nine paragraphs ago. Like, I usually have like lighthearted, funny shit here.

Speaker 3 But that might also complicate things for her. Yeah, if you murdered the guy, absolutely.
Anyways, I love your podcast. Don't stop what you're doing and go fuck yourself.
I don't believe that.

Speaker 3 I don't believe that story. I'm not saying shit like that doesn't happen, but I don't believe that someone would write this level of serious shit into me.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 3 yeah, I don't, that that got a little too fucking sensational for me.

Speaker 3 Not saying that shit like that doesn't happen, but you know, if that actually is true, I don't know why you're writing to this podcast.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 3 I think at that point, you need to write to uh

Speaker 3 I'm gonna say his wrong, is it Neam Leesom or Liam Neesom?

Speaker 3 That fucking guy,

Speaker 3 You need to write to that guy and find out who wrote the scripts and the words that he said, and then find out what they base that off of.

Speaker 3 And gradually go back and find whoever the fuck Liam Neesom Neam Leesom is pretending to fucking be. I should know who that guy's fucking name is, right? Considering I act every once in a while.

Speaker 3 I should know who one of the best guys out there is. Liam

Speaker 3 Neeson.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 3 Liam Neeson.

Speaker 3 He's born in 1952. Jesus Christ, that guy's like 60,

Speaker 3 63 fucking years old, and I still wouldn't fuck with him.

Speaker 3 Not even remotely.

Speaker 3 You know, there's certain actors that play a character and you're like, hey, he's just pretending to be a tough guy.

Speaker 3 Then there's other people where you're just like, you know, I think that guy could really beat the shit out of me.

Speaker 3 You know, you're just on the ground. When does this scene end, Liam?

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 Banged Friends Virgin X.

Speaker 3 Dear strawbilly pubes forever.

Speaker 3 A month back, I recently acquired, a recently acquired friend was at my house, and unbeknownst to me, his girlfriend at the time was my next door neighbor.

Speaker 3 All right. I was just thinking about the Beatles.
I got distracted. Let me read this.
A month back,

Speaker 3 he recently.

Speaker 3 Oh, Jesus Christ. You know what? I forgot I got to read those other two advertisings.
I know. You guys are like, what the fuck? I know.
Just Let me just knock these out really quickly.

Speaker 1 Here we go.

Speaker 3 Banged friends

Speaker 3 Virgin X.

Speaker 3 All right, let's start again. Dear Strawberry Billy Pubes Forever.

Speaker 3 Strawberry Pubes Forever. There we go.
A month back, a

Speaker 3 recently acquired friend was at my house, and unbeknownst to me, his girlfriend at the time was my next-door neighbor. A few weeks later, they had broken up because she wasn't putting out.

Speaker 3 Apparently, they had dated for three months, and he couldn't take it anymore. Here's the thing: oh, Jesus, one thing led to another.

Speaker 4 Next thing you know,

Speaker 3 long story short, a week ago, I was drunk with a different buddy.

Speaker 3 One thing led to another, sorry.

Speaker 3 And we decided it would be funny to invite her and her roommates over to play board games. I was pretty buzzed and had all the confidence in the world.

Speaker 3 I walked over to her house, and it just so happened she was the only one home. Oh, Jesus.
She invited me in.

Speaker 3 Is this like some red shoe shoe diary or does this really happen she invited me in for some cookies her sorority made one thing led to another

Speaker 4 there we go and we ended up fucking one thing led to another

Speaker 3 The classic phrase, she was obviously inexperienced, so it was nothing to write home about. This normally wouldn't be a problem, except she's my next door neighbor.

Speaker 3 So naturally, I have repeated the process about a dozen times. My question is, should I I tell my friend? Normally, I wouldn't say anything, but I think I'm falling for this girl.

Speaker 3 He's been kind of distanced lately, so he might have some suspicions. Thanks, and go fuck yourself.
Please come to San Diego and congrats on the baby.

Speaker 3 Jesus, is there anything funnier than a young man with a dick? You know?

Speaker 3 Jesus Christ, dude. You think he's getting suspicious? She lives next door.
You've been over there 12 times. Yeah, he's going to figure it out.

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 3 well look you know he broke up with her he was only there with her for three months how well did you how well how how much how

Speaker 3 are you great friends with this person

Speaker 3 yeah it gets messy it gets mad i don't even know what you're asking me here you know it's a fucking great story other than that it used to be your friend's girlfriend but he fucking tapped out Maybe that's what you should say to him when he calls you on it.

Speaker 3 You just been, you shouldn't have tapped out, man.

Speaker 4 You should have kept mining for gold. There's gold in them there, heels.

Speaker 3 I don't know. The fact that you've been with this girl 12 times and you think you're falling for her, I don't think you're falling for her.
I think you love the convenience of it. If I had to guess,

Speaker 3 you really didn't write too deeply about your fucking...

Speaker 3 About your fucking feelings for this girl. I think you went further into the fact of how you fucking nailed this girl and

Speaker 3 your friend didn't. So I don't know.

Speaker 3 If you're really not into this girl, I would just pull the fucking plug and I would never bring it up. And I'd wait till that guy has a couple of Miller highlights into him.

Speaker 3 And at that point, I would stay out of his wheelhouse

Speaker 3 because he might fucking sucker punch her. Because you know what happened.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 3 What did he say? Bang friend's ex-girlfriend. So he didn't say he accidentally did it.
So yeah, well, you know, you knew what you were doing and you did it. And now

Speaker 3 that's the world you created and you're living in it. So I don't know what to tell you.

Speaker 3 Other than if you're not really falling for this girl, I would stop fucking her.

Speaker 3 There you go. I don't care how good the cookies are.
All right, calling girlfriend a cunt. Hey, Bill, hope Fatherhood is treating you well if it finally happened.
Has not happened yet.

Speaker 3 Recently, my girlfriend was being very unreasonable and running her mouth about something.

Speaker 3 And I said she was being a cunt.

Speaker 3 Didn't call her a cunt, rather acting like one. And you know what? There is a loophole there.

Speaker 3 There is a loophole there, but when you drop the C word, it's very difficult. Like, I've never called my wife a bitch ever.
I've never done it.

Speaker 3 The entire time I've been, I never called her that once. One time, I did say that she was acting like one.

Speaker 3 And she brought that up for like fucking three years. Because she knew how important it was to me to never call her that.
And she fucking, we got into a fight.

Speaker 3 and then she pushed my buttons, trying to get me fucking more and more mad because that's what they do, and they're not doing it maliciously. That's how they fight.

Speaker 3 Most of them, where guys go, what the fuck did you say? And then you start fucking fist fighting. Women usually don't get to that level.

Speaker 3 So their fist fighting is they've already broken you down psychologically and they just try to make you as mad as they can.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 if you're with a cool cool woman they'll they'll take responsibility for that and they'll eventually forgive you

Speaker 3 so anyways all right so you said that she was acting like one okay since then she's had her panties in a twist and thinks I owe her an apology I haven't given her one

Speaker 3 my thoughts are that if anyone male or female is acting like a cunt I can call them a cunt what's your thought thoughts on women calling women a cunt and have you gotten into trouble for calling a woman a cunt?

Speaker 3 I've never done that

Speaker 3 to a woman that I've dated. Have I ever called a woman a cunt?

Speaker 3 You know, it's funny, as much as I use that word, I don't think I've ever done that.

Speaker 3 No, I don't do the name-calling thing.

Speaker 3 As angry as I am, have I ever done that?

Speaker 3 I've definitely been like, Yeah, fuck you, you fucking psycho. I've done that.
But

Speaker 3 I don't do the fucking

Speaker 3 those classics.

Speaker 3 I don't break out the classics. I don't say bitch, cunt.
I don't say any of that.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I don't. I just don't.

Speaker 3 I saw that early on in my life that that doesn't work, and I saw what it does to a relationship. I just saw it.

Speaker 3 You know, I had a paper root. when I was a kid.
So, you know, you get to step into a lot of people's homes and watch a little movie trailer.

Speaker 3 And a lot of times you're walking up to the house and you can hear the director's cut of what's going on before you went in there, you know. So I saw a lot of that.

Speaker 3 You know, being from Massachusetts, there was a lot of hotheads. And

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 3 As much as a dick as I am,

Speaker 3 I've never done that. And I can tell you that it gets you nowhere.

Speaker 3 So,

Speaker 3 and the thing, the stubborn thing that you're doing right now, that you're not apologizing for it, is going to cause her to dig her heels in.

Speaker 3 And what you're doing is you're creating this toxic fucking cesspool in your relationship. Okay?

Speaker 3 You could have said a bunch of other words, and you went to DEF CON 5 or whatever the fuck. Is it one? Is one the worst or is 5 the worst? Whatever the worst one.
You went nuclear honor.

Speaker 3 I think you should apologize.

Speaker 3 And just say for the the record I didn't say you were a cunt I respect you enough to not call you a cunt I just said you were acting like one okay I won't do that in the future I was wrong and don't even don't even defend you just say I apologize for what I said I shouldn't have said it just just apologize all right

Speaker 3 And there'll be some residual shit, but I can tell you right this, right now, if you're going to make a relationship work, when you're in the wrong, you have to apologize. You have to do that.

Speaker 3 Because if you don't apologize, if you always get your fucking backup, if you fight them every fucking step of the way, then

Speaker 3 you stop being a person to them. You're just this thing.
You're just this loud, annoying fucking thing. Okay? But if you say you're sorry,

Speaker 3 if you say like, you know what, you're right.

Speaker 3 And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, the times when you actually are defending your position, you have clout because you've admitted that you were wrong when you were wrong. So there you go.

Speaker 3 Now, I'm not saying she wasn't being a cunt. Okay?

Speaker 1 Now,

Speaker 3 that's the type of thing. If you want to say that, that's what you say when you got your one fucking buddy who, for the most part, can keep his fucking mouth shut.

Speaker 3 But even then, you can't depend on that.

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 3 If you're ever going to call your woman a cunt, you fucking do it. You go for a drive and you do it in your car by yourself.

Speaker 3 And you yell everything that you want to yell because she's not listening to you. You make all your fucking points.
You fucking crush it.

Speaker 3 You give your closing argument to the invisible jury inside your car.

Speaker 3 And then, in the end, you know, and if you actually stop for a second and listen to me, you'd understand that, but you can't because you're such a fucking cunt,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 3 And then you look over,

Speaker 3 you know, at the other person sitting there at the red light with you. And if it's another guy, if it's me, I'm going to laugh,

Speaker 3 you know, not at you, but I'm going to laugh knowing what the fuck you're doing. And if it's a woman, she's probably going to laugh knowing what the fuck you're doing.

Speaker 3 Or if she's a cunt, she's going to fucking squint her eyes at her and be more of a cunt.

Speaker 3 There you go.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 4 yeah, I do not, nor would I ever do that.

Speaker 3 I wouldn't.

Speaker 3 To my wife, I would never fucking do that. I wouldn't do that to any woman that I was in business with.
I wouldn't do that with any fucking, I wouldn't do that in general.

Speaker 3 But generally speaking, when I talk about people,

Speaker 3 I kind of just call men cunts.

Speaker 3 I think it's funny to call a man a cunt. To call a woman a cunt is

Speaker 3 just not funny.

Speaker 3 Calling a guy a cunt is fucking hilarious. And I stand by that.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 4 Not saying that there's not cunts. God knows that word exists for fucking reason.

Speaker 3 But it's just too fucking mean. And I'm telling you, you lose.
You lose in the end

Speaker 3 because,

Speaker 3 you know, they could just make your life miserable. And every court of law, generally speaking, out there is going to side with them.

Speaker 3 And next thing you know, you will never play drums again because she's going to take them from you. All right.
Not the fucking baby. Okay.
That's the podcast for this week.

Speaker 3 God bless you.

Speaker 3 All right, you fucking cunts.

Speaker 3 Go fuck yourselves, and I will check in on you on Thursday.

Speaker 7 What's up, everybody, and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast with your host, me, Paul Verze, Bill Burr. We got the

Speaker 7 Beverly Hills kid Greek freak Andrew Themlis over there, and uh, apparently, Jake the Snake had a really uh rough go last night with the ladies, so

Speaker 7 who knows what went on in there? He's having some technical difficulties, but Jake the Snake, uh, we already know the pretty much what's going on with the playoffs. Bill, it is my favorite.

Speaker 7 I don't know if we talked about this with all the sports talk that we've done and football talk, wild card weekend might be my favorite because here's why a good team's getting picked off either tonight or tomorrow.

Speaker 7 A favorite is going to be gone. And I just love to see what team is going to do it.
You got the Chargers and Texans to the first game, two and a half point favorite for the Texans.

Speaker 7 Then tonight's game, you got the Ravens, a heavy favorite over the Steelers.

Speaker 7 So I guess just let's get into this.

Speaker 1 All right, just right off the top of my head,

Speaker 1 I love the Steelers getting points.

Speaker 4 All right. It's a division rivalry.

Speaker 1 They see each other twice a year, Paulie.

Speaker 1 What is the spread? I don't even know what the spread is. I'm already talking crap here like an idiot in Paz.

Speaker 7 The last I look to spread is nine and a half. Oh,

Speaker 1 give me that nine and a half, Paulie, and I'll go to fucking Paramis or whatever they call it and get myself a sandwich and win that bet. You got the Steelers lose the game.
What is it called?

Speaker 7 Permani Brothers.

Speaker 1 Permani Brothers. Yeah.
If you ever wonder why everybody had such a big head in Pittsburgh, it's that goddamn sandwich.

Speaker 7 It's a loaf of bread with french fries in it.

Speaker 1 It really is. It's drunk food.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Steve Byrne will go there and get like four of them over the course of a weekend.

Speaker 7 Oh, that's great.

Speaker 7 Well, you know what, dude? Last year.

Speaker 7 I had a good run in the regular season, and then I was one and seven in the playoffs, and Bill fucking torched me.

Speaker 7 But I like this.

Speaker 7 You know what? I'm going to tell you my two teams that I like right now. And then you tell me if you agree.
I like the Steelers getting the points. And I love, I got to be honest with you.

Speaker 7 I love Justin Herbert and the Chargers on the road. On the road,

Speaker 7 minus two and a half. No, no, Andrew, they're plus two and a half, I believe.

Speaker 1 You have them both minus. No, no.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Texans are plus. But yeah, it was three when we started.

Speaker 1 Are you sure the Texans are plus?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Texans are Texans are plus. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 7 I like the Chargers to win the game. I like Herbert, and the Texans have those receiver injuries.

Speaker 1 I like the way you enunciated that injuries. Those

Speaker 7 reverse injuries. I feel bad saying this because my picks for the Super Bowl were the Lions and Texans.

Speaker 7 But when the Texans wide receivers went down, Stephon Diggs went down, and now Tank Bell went down.

Speaker 7 I don't think they can make the run they want to make with those two receivers out and Justin Herbert. How about this?

Speaker 7 Jim Harbaugh, first year back in the NFL after winning the national championship with Michigan, going to the playoffs with the fucking Chargers.

Speaker 1 Michigan still beat Ohio State.

Speaker 7 Michigan still beat Ohio State.

Speaker 1 How about Ohio State? Now, all the Michigan fans, we were all laughing at them. Now it looks like they might win the championship.

Speaker 7 Unreal.

Speaker 1 Good for them. Good for them.
They need something out there in Columbus. Those are some of the most miserable whining people I've ever met in my life.

Speaker 7 Bill, who do you like tonight? Do you like the Chargers or the Texans?

Speaker 1 You know what, Paul? I love the Chargers, but I'll tell you, when you watch the playoffs, you got to be ready for the unexpected. I don't like that they're only two and a half.

Speaker 1 You're saying they don't have any receivers. You're saying Tank Bell's out.
You're saying

Speaker 1 Drew Pearson's gone, right? Stephon Diggs isn't going to be there.

Speaker 1 But they're only two and a half point favorites. I don't know.
The Chargers, to me,

Speaker 1 you cannot count on the Chargers, especially in January. It's an enigma.

Speaker 1 It's a riddle wrapped up in a regular season team. I don't know what their deal is.
All of a sudden,

Speaker 1 what's his face is on his exercise bike. Somebody takes the unnecessary roughness call.
I don't know what happens to them in January.

Speaker 4 I believe in Harbaugh, but

Speaker 1 I still think his team is a year away.

Speaker 7 Bill, I got one for you. Who's the more cursed franchise? You've been watching football longer than me, the New York Jets or the San Diego Chargers?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 the New York Jets.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 they win by a nose because not only do you have to deal with Charger football,

Speaker 1 but you have to deal with the winter. So because of the weather.

Speaker 1 I like that. Because of the weather.
I mean, the Chargers, their last championship was an AFL championship either the first or second year of the league. Like, dude, they haven't won anything.

Speaker 1 Even if you counted those AFL championships as the Super Bowl, they still haven't won in over 60 years.

Speaker 7 Have the Buffalo Bills won?

Speaker 1 They might have been the Los Angeles Chargers the first time they won. No, I think they were the L.A.
Chargers. Then they moved to San Diego and they won their first year.

Speaker 7 Have the Buffalo Bills ever.

Speaker 1 They won an AFL title in like 64.

Speaker 1 Paul, don't ask me about the last 20 years of football, but you want to go back 60 years. I got you.

Speaker 7 No, dude.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you right now. The names in football in hockey,

Speaker 1 just

Speaker 1 the white European guys and the elaborate black guy names, just for my old white guy brain. Like, I can't with this shit.
I can't.

Speaker 4 And even the white guys,

Speaker 1 there's no, there's no Paul's and Bill's and Mike's anymore. I've talked about this before.
These fucking names are difficult. Yeah.
It's like everybody has their own name.

Speaker 1 Oh, you know, dude, you know, we got to talk about you yelled, Mike, back in the day, like 40 people turned around.

Speaker 1 Uh, Bill, we got guys' names are like Bassinet Roberts.

Speaker 7 I was thinking about you last night. I was thinking about you last night watching the Ohio game because I don't know if you saw it.

Speaker 7 The quarterback on Ohio State, it was literally like fourth and three or four, and they had to get it. And he just is in shotgun formation.

Speaker 7 He gets it out of the gun, and he just quarterbacks sneak up the middle. He runs for 18, but he gets out of the line.

Speaker 7 He goes left, and he's got a clear-cut thing and he loses his footing like Daniel Jones did and goes down. And I go like this.

Speaker 7 And then Kenny Pickett, the backup for Jalen Hurts on the Eagles, did that thing where he went to throw the ball and the thing and he held it and it looked like the ball weighed something and threw himself.

Speaker 7 And I go, what is this white guy? And someone goes, Paul, can you stop with the, I'm tired of, I'm tired of white guys making fun of white guys.

Speaker 7 I go, dude, the white guy that dunked it and he held on too long and flipped Daniel Jones, fucking, dude, white guys have this thing when they play.

Speaker 1 Dude, everybody makes fun of their own people. Latinos make fun of themselves.
Black people make fun of themselves. We're making fun of you.

Speaker 1 You can't fucking be nobody around you and you just fall down.

Speaker 7 A black guy doesn't break through the line and fall down. He doesn't.

Speaker 1 I've seen parents running at the airport with luggage, not fall down, trying to catch a fight.

Speaker 1 You're a pro athlete. You're carrying a football.
How do you fall down?

Speaker 7 And I was thinking of sitting next to you.

Speaker 1 You have a sense of humor about yourself, by the way.

Speaker 7 I was thinking about sitting next to you, Bill, looking at you and just same time in unison.

Speaker 1 Fucking white guy.

Speaker 7 We did that at a basketball game.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they kept kicking it out to that dude behind the ark before everybody was hitting him. That was a long time ago.

Speaker 7 Bill and I, those are the days. Don't get me sad.

Speaker 7 Dude, we haven't worked together in eight years. This January.
It's nuts. But, dude.

Speaker 1 That's not true. We did a gig last year.

Speaker 7 No,

Speaker 7 I mean like going on runs but um

Speaker 7 but like me and bill are at portland trailblazers at portland and we're sitting there and this white guy just did something and it was literally it should have been on camera we just looked at this fucking white guy it's not a fuck you just make fun of your people if an italian does something dumb with food you go fucking look at this fucking you know yes that's what it is all right so The Irish Goodbye, you think the Irish goodbye is a funny thing?

Speaker 1 By the way, that's childhood trauma. That's no hugs.

Speaker 1 That's no love. It's genius.

Speaker 7 The Irish goodbye is one of the greatest. It's one of the greatest outs of any social gathering ever.

Speaker 1 Listen, in the moment, it's a fantastic thing, but over the arc of your life, it's a very sad, lonely thing.

Speaker 1 Oh, just imagine doing that. Paul, I'm talking, we do it to family.

Speaker 7 Italians can't do it.

Speaker 1 No, no, you won't.

Speaker 7 It's disrespect, yeah.

Speaker 7 My father would call me and go, what are you, you can't, what are you doing?

Speaker 1 Everybody here is talking about where is Paulie? And I'm sitting here lying saying he's downstairs taking a dump. I'm telling people my son.

Speaker 1 Turn that Cordoba around right. If you love your father, turn that Cordoba around right now and get back.

Speaker 7 I'm telling people my son's a good kid and you fucking leave without saying goodbye to your aunt.

Speaker 1 I mean, what are we? What do you mean? Paul, the front of my house looks like the White House. Okay.
Don't disrespect me walking out the back door like that.

Speaker 7 People are asking me, where's Paul? And now I'm the asshole.

Speaker 7 We're doing the group photo next to the columns.

Speaker 1 Where are you? That was one of my favorite, like, random sketch sketches Fred Armison did.

Speaker 1 Marble columns. Make your house the showcase to your neighborhood with marble columns.
And then they would show the houses. Then they would come back and be like, marble columns.

Speaker 1 Dude, that was the move when you wanted to look rich, but really didn't have the money and you were in the suburbs. You got columns in the front of your house.

Speaker 1 Or if you really wanted to go gangster, you put up a gate and you had those stupid lions at the end of your driveway.

Speaker 1 Dude, at the front of a split entry, because you finally put your above brown pool in the ground.

Speaker 7 dude my dad bought like a fifty thousand dollar desk that was gold plated and the sides of it had lion's head and gold plated

Speaker 1 like leather on the top it was not

Speaker 7 he's like you see how beautiful you know and they always go like this you know how rare that piece is

Speaker 1 oh everybody dude it's it's the art worlds i've watched it i got a buddy of mine that really goes to a lot of museums and stuff like that and he talks about like just how they come up up with what is worth the money and what dude it is the biggest freaking scam

Speaker 1 it's like this it's just like every business there's like five rich guys at the top and then they buy something and then they go all right tell everybody this artist is worth money now yeah and then they turn around and flip it i'm i'm obviously simplifying it paul um all right i'm just a guy in pajamas Look, we got a friend.

Speaker 7 I'm not going to mention names. We got a friend that I see a lot here in New York.
And he does this thing.

Speaker 7 and I got to do a bid on it because everything I see, I swear to God, I go, dude, those are nice glasses. He goes, 200 made in the world.
I got one of them.

Speaker 1 200.

Speaker 7 He goes, he goes like this.

Speaker 1 Certificate of authenticity. Dude, they made 15 of those.

Speaker 7 The guy, they made 15 of those. The guy sent me one.

Speaker 1 My favorite thing in the world is the certificate of authenticity that is given to you by the person that's selling you whatever you're buying.

Speaker 1 It's just like, so this is an in-house certification shouldn't there be some other group watching you to make sure this isn't bs oh this is your company you make 10 of them oh dude like

Speaker 1 it's so dumb

Speaker 1 it's so dumb dude 200 oh my god you know what the best ever was people finally figured it out the

Speaker 1 sports memorabilia

Speaker 1 My dad used to buy that stuff. He'd buy all these jerseys and stuff and he'd frame them and put our friggin the bottom downstairs of our house look like the hall of fame.

Speaker 1 He had all these jerseys jerseys up on the wall, and I just want to be like, Dad, they're selling them, they're signing them 100 a clip.

Speaker 1 There's probably 40 guys in our town alone has that. Oh, no, no, that is that is the third jersey, Jason Veritech, that came with a signed home plate.
Yeah, dad, he signed a thousand of them.

Speaker 1 He he didn't, he was between getting a coaching job in baseball and ending his baseball career. He did a signing.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, no, no. I, I, I, I, I beg to differ.
I beg to differ.

Speaker 7 Dude, one of my favorite things is when I saw, when I was at your debt, when I was at your parents' house, so your dad showed me that musket.

Speaker 7 And he goes, you see, this here, this is in better than exceptional shape.

Speaker 1 And it was, he wanted to say, oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this, this gun is in better than exceptional shape.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's great. Oh, my God.
My parents are like antique hoarders.

Speaker 7 My dad loves antique shops.

Speaker 1 My parents live in an antique shop. Dude,

Speaker 1 they have a plane propeller on the wall from like a 1911 fighter plane with a musket on top of it, a revolutionary era flag wound in the thing.

Speaker 7 I mean, I mean, that's kind of cool.

Speaker 1 The propeller. If it wasn't next to a stand-up stove from the little rascals era.

Speaker 1 All right, that's a little bit of a. Dude,

Speaker 1 it's all on top of itself. The whole thing is just like.

Speaker 1 My parents have an open floor plan and it's like divided by like just piles of antiques.

Speaker 1 It's insane. And then they have like seven-foot ceilings.
And my dad saw that thing on TV where

Speaker 1 you hang the pots from the ceiling. You need like a 10-foot ceiling to do that.
Dude, you just bang your head on him and everything.

Speaker 1 It's his childhood trauma. Like he can't face what happened to him.
So how he does it is he just keeps buying shit and building things. i tell jokes you know we all got our way that we deal with it um

Speaker 1 all right so so who do you got you like the charge you you like the texans i'm gonna take the texans paul just because it doesn't make any sense all right i'm gonna take the chargers bills got the texans so you guys are gonna pick separate this year i know last year you a few years you agreed on uh no we'll just go listen

Speaker 7 Let's just do it where some we agree, some we don't. I like the Chargers, and

Speaker 7 I like the steelers

Speaker 7 i like the steelers with the points i think the ravens win

Speaker 1 i i i agree i agree with all of that but i'm taking the texans i'm going with the steelers and i think the steelers will cover

Speaker 1 all right

Speaker 7 reason here we go bill we got the the on fire broncos who heated up towards the end of the year nine-point dogs against josh allen and the bills in buffalo i'm going i'm taking the Bills all day to bury those nine points.

Speaker 1 I think Josh Allen is going to look like the second coming of Brett Favre. He's going to be taking his helmet off, smiling ear to ear, running up and down the field.

Speaker 7 I absolutely second that 100%.

Speaker 7 You couldn't have said it better. I like the Bills as well.
I think they're going to, what are they doing?

Speaker 1 Well, I said it better than exceptional.

Speaker 1 You did that dick better than exceptional. Now, watch the Broncos destroy him.

Speaker 7 Better than exceptional, it can't be better. That's what's the greatest thing about that.
He needed to hammer it. It's the best.

Speaker 1 There's no word that's beyond exceptional. So he just had to say it's better than that.

Speaker 1 He would say that if Trump heard that shit, Trump would be like this. Trump would be.

Speaker 7 Oh, Trump would love that.

Speaker 1 He would clock that and be like, using that in my next speech.

Speaker 7 All right.

Speaker 1 Then you got the put your economic plan. That's unbelievable.
Well, what is it? It's better than exceptional. Next question.

Speaker 7 So, what exactly is your plan?

Speaker 1 Oh, dude, buckle up. This is going to be

Speaker 1 this.

Speaker 1 Nothing SNL can do is going to be funnier than fucking four more years of fucking Trump. He's already doing the blame game.
He couldn't just say, oh my God, what happened in LA was terrible.

Speaker 1 He goes, oh, it's going to have a noose problem.

Speaker 1 Dude, he's the Jeff George of politics.

Speaker 1 He's got a great arm. He's got the great arm.
But every locker room he goes into, within 10 minutes, everybody wants to kill each other.

Speaker 7 I got trivia for you. I got trivia for you.
What college did Jeff George go to?

Speaker 1 Probably more than one, knowing that fucking guy.

Speaker 1 I have no idea.

Speaker 7 Andrew, I think it's Illinois. Am I right? I think it's Illinois, but dude, Jeff George.

Speaker 1 We looked this up on the show before.

Speaker 7 Jeff George, dude, he had the mustache, the mullet, and that cannon of an arm.

Speaker 1 If he could have just kept his mouth shut,

Speaker 1 is it Illinois? Man, I'm looking it up. Paul, you're like,

Speaker 1 is it Illinois? I don't want to be wrong.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Illinois. University of Illinois, Urbana, Champagne.
Paul, you were doubting your choice for half a second. You're like, is it Illinois?

Speaker 7 Because Andrew was, I was, he was taking long. I'm like, oh, shit, is it not long? You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You know, Jeff George is Greek, and somehow my grandmother knew somebody who was like, I don't know, his aunt. And I actually have, speaking of autographs, a Jeff George autograph.

Speaker 1 Jeff George is Greek.

Speaker 1 I love Jeff. Hey, what's this real last name? George Papalopoulos? I'm looking it up.
I don't know. I don't know.
Maybe. It's going to be like Georgios.

Speaker 7 It's probably like Georgios, and they cut it off.

Speaker 1 I don't even know if he shortened it or if just, you know, going back,

Speaker 1 somebody else did, but

Speaker 1 you know, there was a wave of Greeks came over here and they were getting shit and some people stuck it out.

Speaker 1 Like the Thamaluses, and then other people chopped their name off and tried to assimilate.

Speaker 7 i i don't know man i hate to talk about this next game the packers and the eagles the eagles are at home minus five and a half saquan barkley had one of the greatest years any running back's ever had he's in the conversation for mvp

Speaker 7 um packers have a good team but i have to take the eagles at home to win by more than five and a half as much as it pains me Did I hear right that they sat Saquon, even though he could have broke the record?

Speaker 1 He wanted the record. Yeah.

Speaker 7 No, but he, the coach actually shut it down. He was fine with the coach shutting him down.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 7 Oh, Bill's going Packers. I can tell.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I love crazy Nick, you know? I want to see

Speaker 1 Nick Siriana looks like that kid that always loses a snowball fight. You know what I mean? When he puts that hat on, he just looks like that kid at the bus stop that gets hit by the ice ball.

Speaker 1 You just gave him the nickname.

Speaker 7 You just gave him the nickname on the show, Crazy Nick. That's it.

Speaker 1 Crazy Nick. Nikki Snow.
Nikki Snow. Nikki Snowballs.

Speaker 1 Nikki Snowballs.

Speaker 1 Oh, boy. Nikki nighttime.
Nikki nighttime. Come on, buddy.
Go to sleep. We got a game tomorrow.

Speaker 1 I don't know what I did. You're not doing it right there, Nick.

Speaker 1 He's the most relatable guy in football right now.

Speaker 1 What I'm saying, what I said to hell with all of you. Next week.
Oh, God, they're going to fire me.

Speaker 7 It's all right, Nick. It's all right.

Speaker 1 It's all right. Nick, you wouldn't be here if you shouldn't be here.

Speaker 7 Oh, I know who Bill's picking on this one. Then the next.
Oh, come on.

Speaker 1 Come on, my guy.

Speaker 7 You got the commanders player.

Speaker 1 Every time I bet against this guy,

Speaker 1 you know, what I love about him is he reminds me why I shouldn't, and he never gets mad at me i'm gonna go my head we actually know each other that's how much i love this guy i i love baker mayfield and i like the bucks but i'm gonna say the commanders are an upset this week and they shotzee is a low-key washington commanders fan okay that that that team has come out of your mouth too many times for a guy that's a giants fan i'm just hey my great my distant uncle was on there what am i gonna do

Speaker 7 played for the yeah played for the redskins played for my yeah my aunt said her great great-great-uncle, whatever that means, he played in the ring. He's in the ring of honor.

Speaker 7 He played two years in the 50s under Lombardi.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you showed me that. We went to the game there.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 7 I just like.

Speaker 1 Where did that pedigree comes from? All those years later, trickles down. You're beating the book.

Speaker 7 Not Stacy. I tell my kids, not Stacey.

Speaker 1 Hey, Lucas, you just hit that three. Did you do that at your son's basketball game? You girlfriend? It's my side of the family.
He gets that. He gets that from me.

Speaker 7 Good shot, Lucas. Good shot from Lucas.
Not her family.

Speaker 1 So me, baby. All right.

Speaker 7 And the final game of the week. This one, a lot of people are going back and forth with this one.

Speaker 1 Don't let the Viking good looks fool you. That's that's inside.
Inside, that's me.

Speaker 7 I was on stage last night and I go, look, I go, my wife's great. I go,

Speaker 7 I'm Mediterranean. I go, I hug.
I hug. I mean, I'm Greek and Sicily.
How you doing? I go, my wife's Scandinavian. I go, a little colder, Viking.

Speaker 1 She doesn't. Well, what would she be doing if she wasn't shooting a flaming arrow into Alexis?

Speaker 4 I mean, she can't help it.

Speaker 7 My wife, it makes sense that she's Viking. I watch her behave sometimes, and I'm like, that's in there.

Speaker 7 I'm not a Viking.

Speaker 7 I'm not a Viking.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 7 I don't know, dude. Who do you like, Bill? Rams, Vikings in Los Angeles.

Speaker 4 Do you know what?

Speaker 1 That reminded me of one of the most fucked up things ever. I forget what country I was in, where I was somewhere around there

Speaker 1 by some country that got conquered by another country, and I was slowly piecing together their genetics. And this guy yelled out from the back, he goes, we are rape, babies.

Speaker 1 Like, what the fuck?

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 1 Dude, it's, it's, my, it, it is the most fucked up thing anybody's yet, and nobody disagreed. I was just like, I was going, wait a minute.

Speaker 1 So, you guys, you used to be, and these guys came, and now you guys look like the guy, we all rape me.

Speaker 7 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 It was insane.

Speaker 7 Who do you like, Bill? You got the Vikings.

Speaker 7 Hold on. So, this is the thing.
Sam Darnold.

Speaker 1 I like the Vikings. I want the Vikings.
Really? I want the Vikings to win. I just want them to win.
I'm sick of it. I'm sick of them not having a Super Bowl championship.

Speaker 1 I love

Speaker 1 what's his face back in the day? Bud Grant.

Speaker 7 God, I was going to go Vikings, dude, but you know something?

Speaker 1 Sean McVay. That's what I want, Paul.

Speaker 7 Sean McVay and the fucking Puka Nakua and fucking Cooper Cup and these guys.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 7 I'm going to take the Rams.

Speaker 1 Wes, welcome you to death.

Speaker 7 I'm going to take the Rams at home to win by a field goal.

Speaker 1 Oh, Paulie, say it ain't so.

Speaker 7 Sam Darnold had a bad game. I don't know.
I think Sammy D may be coming down to earth.

Speaker 1 Dude, Sam Donald's a great name. Let me tell you something.
Sam Darnold wouldn't know his fucking ass from a hole in the ground.

Speaker 1 It just sounds like one of those names you hear somebody talking about in a coffee shop.

Speaker 1 I like the Vikings. I believe in the Vikings.
I don't think one game is Sam Darnold. And also, if he takes him deep into the playoffs, it makes what the Jets are going through even funnier.

Speaker 1 But for Jet fans, someday when you do win it,

Speaker 1 that's going to be an unbelievable highlight reel, the misery that led up to it.

Speaker 7 No, Andrew, Bill, Bill's not taking the Ravens, he's taking the Steelers. So we agree on the Steelers.

Speaker 1 Oh, I had that backwards.

Speaker 7 Sorry, yeah, we agree on the Steelers, we agree on the Bills,

Speaker 7 and then that's all we agree on. All right, so we got two out of the six.
And look at that, Paul.

Speaker 1 We're still friends, we can disagree, we can still be friends. I mean, I think that's one to grow on.

Speaker 7 Yes,

Speaker 1 here's the season totals.

Speaker 1 Oh, geez, look at me. I'm on the hot seat.

Speaker 1 All right, my house is for sale. Jesus Christ, Andrew, 45?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Nice. You had like a Dan Marino 1984 season.
Beat last year is 44, 20, and 5. Paul was 37, 26, and 3.
Listen, I'll tell you right now,

Speaker 1 I should gracefully bow out like Joe Biden. I should do it early next season.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 the ticket should be Verzeek. Andrew Semlis.
Oh my God, the Greek freaks. There's got to be something.

Speaker 1 There's got to be something there. You both got Greek blood in you.

Speaker 7 Is there no Monday night special this week?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 All right. And not because there's no Monday night game.
It's because Bet MGM got afraid of us, Paul. They got sick of us picking winners.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, there is Monday. Sorry, it is Monday.
The Minnesota-Los Angeles game is Monday. Oh, Jesus.
Now I talk shit.

Speaker 1 All right. What do you got, Paul?

Speaker 7 Let's do

Speaker 7 Matthew Stafford. Justin Jefferson.

Speaker 7 Matthew Stafford to throw one.

Speaker 7 Justin Jefferson to catch one.

Speaker 7 And then what's the under over? 48. What do you think, Bill?

Speaker 1 Don't listen to me, man.

Speaker 1 I'm just a guy in pajamas riding out a fucking disaster.

Speaker 1 By the way, I'd like to say on this podcast that the Department of Water and Power and the Fire Department did an amazing job.

Speaker 4 I mean, it was

Speaker 1 100 mile-an-hour winds. This shit like now where people are trying to blame stuff.
I was talking about on my podcast.

Speaker 4 My favorite thing ever is they're saying there's a band of immigrants that went around

Speaker 1 and they burned down these neighbors so then they could loot a burning house, Paul, go in and pick up a hot coffee cup. Yeah.
I mean,

Speaker 7 that's fucking ridiculous.

Speaker 1 It's the dumbest shit ever.

Speaker 7 Yeah, dude, from our show to everybody that's affected by this, man, honestly, dude, thoughts and prayers. It's horrible what's going on there.
We hope everybody gets through it.

Speaker 1 It's an opportunity, Paul. Just like the CEOs, they all look at it like an opportunity to go buy land and shit.
This is an opportunity for regular people to help each other out.

Speaker 1 I got to do a benefit. Like somehow I got to, I just wish I could find like.

Speaker 7 Yeah, the stand is doing something Red Cross with the Red Cross. The stand is doing something next week where the Red Cross, they're doing a show.
They're raising money.

Speaker 1 They're all going to end up on epstein island i'm talking about going straight to the people paul i don't want to go through a comedy club ah dude they're the red cross you know the stand the stand makes sure they do it right and see paul italia paul italia let me next time i see that guy um i love paul i'm kidding um

Speaker 1 yeah there's got to be like i remember one time i was trying to help public schools And I just want to be like, all right, I'm going to do a benefit for your school. They're like, you can't do that.

Speaker 1 You got to send

Speaker 1 the money to the Board of Education and then they determine where it fucking goes. Yeah, I know where it goes, Paul.
And then you ended up on the podcast.

Speaker 1 On the podcast, you ended up teachers write in and give like wish lists. And then you ended up

Speaker 1 buying, I don't know, a couple thousand dollars worth of school supplies. That was like 2019.

Speaker 1 How about victims?

Speaker 1 I haven't done a good fucking thing since.

Speaker 7 Dude, how about victims? Show up to my fucking house. I give you cash.

Speaker 1 Your fucking house. Get yourself out to Jersey.

Speaker 1 Do you drive sean proof it's my house

Speaker 7 polly muddy cliff you go like this you go like this let me see how

Speaker 1 show me a picture show me a picture um no man it's horrible and uh help oh i'll i'll tell dina those those are those are uh you know working class people out there and everything so

Speaker 1 you know the only thing that Palisades, I mean, a lot of people had, you know, money and shit out there. So hopefully they have the insurance, but you watch these fucking insurance companies.

Speaker 1 You watch what they do. You watch what they do, Paul.

Speaker 1 That's why CEOs get whacked. You can't fucking do that to people.
You can't fucking do that to people in their time of need. Eventually shit happened.

Speaker 1 These fucking stupid news corporations acted like they didn't understand it. They try to paint that kid out to be nuts.
I'm not saying he's not nuts, but like you do that enough times.

Speaker 1 Eventually, you're going to do it to somebody crazy enough that's going to fucking do something.

Speaker 1 Like, how hard was that to figure out?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What these insurance companies do to people when they really need them in times like this, dude, it's treason.

Speaker 1 It's treason. They should be in jail.
And that's a nice way of dealing with them. Because I'll tell you, Paul, if I was running stuff ball, let me tell you.

Speaker 7 Yeah, just, I don't know why they don't, you kidnap them and sit them down. Andrew, what do we say? We kidnap them and sit them down.

Speaker 1 Put a gun to his head. Yeah, yeah, I thought that would have been a better move is to kidnap him.
You don't kill anybody. Scare him.

Speaker 1 If you're that crazy, put him in a car, drive around.

Speaker 7 If you're not crazy, threaten something he loves. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But then just get him to change.

Speaker 1 Giving you the solutions.

Speaker 1 Nobody does it better.

Speaker 7 Yeah, I really literally just said threaten him and take something he loves away.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just be like, listen, man, I want you to go back to work. I want you to go back to work on Monday.

Speaker 1 Thanking God that you still have a life. Sit him down.

Speaker 1 Show him a picture of his daughter, school.

Speaker 1 Hey, you see that? Bam. Hurts, doesn't it?

Speaker 7 No, Italians do it.

Speaker 1 Nice. That's how you start it.

Speaker 7 Italians go, oh, oh, this is your daughter's school. Nice school.
They always do that.

Speaker 7 It's a nice school. That's a nice thing.
It looks good. That's where your daughter goes, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, that's 2.6 miles from your front door.
Yeah.

Speaker 7 No, the bus picks her up at 7.18. Yeah, no, we know.

Speaker 1 That's a nice life you have.

Speaker 1 Oh, they always do something happened to it.

Speaker 1 If my mother doesn't get her coverage, I'm going to come down to that office.

Speaker 7 That's a nice life, isn't it? Yeah, no, it's

Speaker 1 oh, dude, the smiling, pleasant psycho.

Speaker 7 That's a nice car. What is that? Is that a 25 or a 24? Yeah, yeah, it's a nice car.

Speaker 1 You got you, you want to live long enough to see the 27?

Speaker 7 Yeah, you park that in the driveway at night, right? You don't use the garage?

Speaker 1 Okay. When's that least up?

Speaker 1 It'd be a shame if you didn't make the

Speaker 7 shame if you didn't make that last payment.

Speaker 1 You don't want your kids to have to handle that. Lexuses are very expensive these days.

Speaker 1 The comedy is

Speaker 1 not involved. My mission is to try to bring regular people back together again.
We've got to stop this Hatfield McCoy shit. We have to stop it.
Fuck the insurance company.

Speaker 1 Fuck all of these fucking people.

Speaker 1 We got to.

Speaker 1 This is the time. If your house didn't burn down, you help out somebody who's dead.

Speaker 1 And fuck all of these people that are going to set up these things that they're going to, they're going to skim money from. There's got to be a way to like directly,

Speaker 1 you know, get that's why I love working with Steve Simone. Steve Simone would find like homeless families.

Speaker 1 Like we literally like ATC, we directly got, okay, you, you know, get you into a hotel, get you off the street. We were able to do stuff.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 There was, there was like a girl who had to take two buses to go get dialysis by herself. She was 14 years old.
14 years old.

Speaker 1 Simone hears about her from the hospital, and it was just like the amount of money that was raised just to make sure she could take an Uber was like nothing. It was like, Yeah, you know why that is?

Speaker 1 You know why that is? Because regular people are good people, they are. Yeah, they just are.

Speaker 1 That's why, that's why you're not running an insurance company because somewhere up the ladder, you were like, I'm not doing that, I couldn't live with myself if I did that.

Speaker 1 And that way, that whole system is set up is for non-caring sociopaths to get

Speaker 1 there's documentaries about it. Uh, I'm just a guy in his pajamas, just trying to figure out the world.

Speaker 7 You're a thousand percent right, though, man.

Speaker 1 And And my point was better than exceptional.

Speaker 7 It was great.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 7 Steve Simone, dude, me and him hang out when I go to Tampa, dude. I went to church with that guy.

Speaker 7 That guy will find the good in everything, but I want to wrap it up, but I gotta say, he goes to a titty bar in Tampa and he tries to help the dancers.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he tries to help them.

Speaker 7 He gets them out of there like it's a trafficking ring.

Speaker 1 Steve sees it for what it is.

Speaker 1 But Bill. After his lap dance,

Speaker 1 there's nobody betting up.

Speaker 7 Bill, you just touched on something that I want to talk about. And by no means do I want this to be political.

Speaker 7 It's not political, but I was thinking about people coming together now in 25 or at least being able to talk more.

Speaker 7 And when I saw Trump and Obama laughing together and talking, and then after Obama laughed, he looked in and then Trump looked at him and smiled. And then Obama looked at him and nodded his head.

Speaker 7 I swear to God, for some something inside of me in that moment was just like, hate this guy hate this guy this guy's evil this guy for whatever reason i just go like oh my god like that's like what it's like when a relative comes over that i disagree with and it it actually was in a weird way healing as gay as that is to sound so you know it's it's at least there's something that you can see where

Speaker 1 you know this this this whole thing isn't working and uh

Speaker 1 these fucking assholes that facebook guy who also owns instagram that fucking nerd, to sit there and allow bots or to have your own on there that are just specifically designed to create arguments so people interact with your, like, that's how you got to make your money.

Speaker 4 You piece of shit.

Speaker 1 I just don't understand

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 the fact that you would burn your own country down underneath you. It's just beyond for your, it's just you get to get a bigger fucking pool.

Speaker 1 Or you can win because you're competing with some other zillionaire up the street.

Speaker 1 Paul, we're both on our soapbox here. Let's get back to football.

Speaker 7 You know why? Because we're easy. We're good people.
We want good for people.

Speaker 1 Paul, we lack the intellect and the knowledge to truly make an educated decision here. So it all seems simple to us.

Speaker 7 All right. Well, let's get back to the football.

Speaker 1 Paul, there's no variables when you're sitting in a coffee shop.

Speaker 7 Andrew, pull up those games so I could do a little recap here.

Speaker 1 Paul, did you not pay the heating bill this week jesus christ how many layers do you have on there dude it's freezing i'm i'm off the garage here i'm

Speaker 1 oh paulie's got that olive oil mediterranean blood there

Speaker 1 oh i'm off booze dude no booze for paul either paulie's cleaning up all right here we go everybody dude your wife's running out in the snow like a husky right now she's not even cold

Speaker 1 She's out there fucking getting ready to go fucking go to the I dinner rod.

Speaker 1 She's downstairs. It's probably fucking 58 degrees there.
Paul's like, God damn, it's fucking,

Speaker 1 let's get to the ocean. Time for vacation? No?

Speaker 7 All right, so here we go. Let's do the Monday night special.
We'll do Justin Jefferson to catch one. We'll do Matthew Stafford to throw one.
And I like over 48 points. Let's root for points.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's do. Let's have a good time.

Speaker 7 All right, so we'll do that. And then as far as wild card weekend, Bill Burr has the Texans.
I have the Chargers.

Speaker 7 We both have the Steelers. We both have the Buffalo Bills.
Bill's taking the Packers. I'm taking the Eagles.

Speaker 7 Bill is taking Baker, his boy Baker Mayfield,

Speaker 7 laying three. I'm going to take the Commanders.
And then Bill has the Vikings. It's an insult.

Speaker 1 It's an insult to Baker Mayfield, the way he puts up points.

Speaker 7 He's great.

Speaker 7 And then Bill's got the Vikings laying two and a half, and I will take the Rams at home. That is our wildcard weekend picks.
We want to thank you guys.

Speaker 7 And again, guys, if you want to play this, you want to do the best sports book out there, the best lines, bet MGM. Use our code BUR.
B-U-R-R. You put in up to $10, a minimum of $10,

Speaker 7 and you place your bet. If your bet loses, you will get $1,500 back in bonus bets.

Speaker 7 Also, the first touchdown thing, which is still going on, where you pick a player in any NFL game, prop bet to get the first touchdown of any NFL game.

Speaker 7 And if they don't, but they get the second touchdown, you will get your cash back.

Speaker 7 So that's how it's working. And you rocked with us collectively.
We did it again. And we're in the playoffs.

Speaker 4 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I'm not part of that week.

Speaker 7 Dude, we, we.

Speaker 7 Dude, here's the thing. We're fucking three weeks away from the Super Bowl, guys.
We're three weeks away from the Super Bowl.

Speaker 1 Don't they take a week off the fuck out of here? Is it going to be over this quickly, Paul?

Speaker 7 Dude, it's over. It's like it didn't happen.

Speaker 7 It's like it didn't happen.

Speaker 1 But, dude,

Speaker 1 how about the college football football playoff, Paul? You complaining about it now? Come on.

Speaker 7 Oh, you know what? I read Nagon. Like, you know what? It was the first teams.
It was the game where like the team that got in and you got to just deal with that.

Speaker 1 So I was wrong.

Speaker 1 It was the first year. It could have just, you know, just been bad matchups or whatever, you know?

Speaker 4 Dude, I don't know.

Speaker 1 There was like, I don't, I still, I'm trying to figure out where Indiana got those 10 wins from.

Speaker 1 I mean, they, they just got absolutely smoked. But then again, you know, Ohio State also, you know, they spent like a zillion dollars on guys.
So this is

Speaker 1 also the other part of the new game.

Speaker 7 Yeah, when Arizona State almost beat Texas, I was like, dude, this playoff thing is like, after, like I said, after that first week, it's really fucking awesome.

Speaker 7 And now, dude, you got Notre Dame, Ohio State for all of it on the 20th, which is going to be a great game. And you, I'm actually into college football now because of you.

Speaker 7 You got me into it like 10 years ago, 11 years ago, and watching it now. I mean, listen, I'm an NFL guy first.
You know that. I mean, this is my love.

Speaker 7 But I like seeing seeing guys that are coming to the NFL and this playoff has been awesome.

Speaker 1 So, how about the fact that you watch college football and it looks like the NFL you remembered?

Speaker 1 That's what I like about it. Same thing with like college basketball, picking rolls, people feeding the big man down low.
It's just not like three-pointer, three-pointer, three-pointer.

Speaker 1 So I'm hanging on to that as much as I can. But because I know, you know, the pros always affect college.
But oh, and one thing,

Speaker 1 Paul. It was a great run.

Speaker 7 One thing I want to say, too, about this year that we didn't talk about enough, all of the football that I watched, this was the best officiating year, except for the Chiefs, in the history of

Speaker 7 other than the other than the Kansas City Chief games, these guys were good this year.

Speaker 1 I gotta give credits due. The Chiefs are not held accountable for their actions.

Speaker 7 Did you see that commercial or the guy online? He goes, I just got my Chiefs jersey and he opened it and it was officials. It was a zebra.

Speaker 1 Dude, even if you're a fucking Chiefs fan, you've got to see there has been some egregious levels of fucking holding. I mean, let's do that Super Bowl last year.
That was just unfucking belief.

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm talking like this. Bosis got both hands in the air, like, what the fuck? Nothing.

Speaker 7 All right, guys. Enjoy wild card weekend.
Those are our picks. Monday night special, Justin Jefferson, Matthew Stafford, and the over.

Speaker 7 We will be back next week for the divisional, which is only four games. And we'll see you then.
Have a great time and bet responsibly.

Speaker 1 All right. We'll see you.