Monday Morning Podcast 1-6-25

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, January 6, 2025. What's going on? How are ya? Oh, Jesus.
I swear to God. I swear to God.
Where does the time go? Where does the time go when you're a husband and a father? You know, telling people all all day long, I gotta do my podcast. I gotta do my podcast.
Nobody gives a shit. Nobody.
I need you to do this. I need you to go over here and fucking do this.
You got this over here. Never fucking ends.
Never fucking ends. The jobs.
The fucking jobs. Gotta take the tree down.
Took the fucking fucking tree down I always take it down right that's depressing let's get rid of it it's starting to die you know what I mean the cycle of life it was dead when we bought it let me give a shit that they just shaved off a new fucking thing could you do that to somebody's leg you know when they're sitting there with fucking a stump and then you just shave off a new part of a leg and stick them in a pot of water and then somehow he's going to be, he's going to make it through the holidays. He's bleeding out.
The tree is bleeding out. It's not even a tree.
It's a fucking bush. The whole thing, right? So my wife takes all the decorations off and then that's it.
I take it out and like,

I don't do what other people do where they just throw it in the yard,

like a discarded body.

You know,

they put it right on their curb or the fucking lazy cunts who just stick it in their barrel and the tops like sticking all the way out.

I don't do that.

I,

I,

I tell you this every year.

You gotta go.

I do it like a, like, like a mob hit. I go Jimmy do that.
I tell you this every year. You got to go.
I do it like a like like a mob hit.

I go Jimmy Hoffa with it. I cut the whole I cut all the branches off and then I cut the fucking whatever the hell you call the middle part, the body, the trunk, fucking the hoof, the paw

no it's called the hoof

cut that to three four sections

put it at Fucking the hoof. The paw.
No, it's called the hoof. Cut that to three, four sections.
Put it in the green barrel. Lid closed.
Nobody knows what's happening. And it's gone.
Jimmy Hoffa. Gone.
It's in the wind. It's in the fucking wind.
You learn a lot about your neighbors, though, with the Christmas decorations, don't you? Who's into it? Who isn't? who has love in the fucking wind. You learn a lot about your neighbors though with the Christmas decorations,

don't you? Who's into it? Who isn't? Who has love in their house? Who doesn't? Who used to and now doesn't and just can't wait for it to be over? It's really weird, you know? Then if it's an older couple and one of them dies, then you just, they don't, and you're like, oh man, they're fucking lonely.

And it gets sad.

And it's the kind of thing that gives Hollywood an idea for a Pixar movie.

Because they love making children cry.

Walt Disney started that,

and everybody does that now.

There has to be something really fucking sad

and tragic or scary. They either want to scare the shit out

of him or fucking make him cry. What is this guy doing? Oh God.
Spectrum cable. Spectrum cable.
There he is. The one fucking van they have.
The one fucking van they have. Oh, he's going to my house.
No, neighbors. Wrong house.
He's pulling off. He's pulling off.
There he goes. There he goes.
And he's gone. Just like that.
Look at him. He can't even find the fucking.
That's why they give you a window. Be there somewhere between one and four.
That's not only because, you know know they're doing another job

they also evidently can't find the fucking house

he stopped in front of my house, the next house

and then the next house

you know why that is

it's because Google

those fucking cunts who bought the Waze app

and killed it

killed the fucking app

remember you used to take it down all those side streets

now you click on Waze and it's like 5pm

get on the highway

it's like dude I could have done that

Thank you. the fucking app.
Remember you used to take it down all those side streets. Now you click on ways and it's like 5 PM.
Get on the highway. It's like, dude, I could have done that.
So that's one of those deals where the fucking thing is a little ahead of where you are. And it's like, you have arrived.
Turn here. And it's really one more block away.
And then you turn down the wrong street. And then you get mad because this signal that was beamed from the ground all the way up to fucking outer space didn't come back to your car the proper way um anyway i had a really good time yesterday i didn't fucking do i didn't watch any football i feel bad you know my fucking patriots beat the bills and i don't give a Fuck, everybody's like, that had to be like the stupidest fucking things.
Hey, hey, hey!

Hey! watch any football. I feel bad.
You know, my fucking Patriots beat the Bills. And I don't give a fuck.
Everybody's like, that had to be like the stupidest fucking things. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Fuck the Bills. Fuck the Bills.
Beat them every time you can. Fuck the Dolphins.
Fuck the Jets. Fuck everybody.
You're out there to win. Oh, we could have had the number one draft pick.
Who gives a shit? We got the number four. Can't you be happy, sweetheart? You ever going to have enough bags? You ever going to have enough shoes? Well, then what? Then you get the number one pick.
Well, I don't know who to pick. I don't want to fucking impress you.
Anyway, I like that we won. I like that Drake May, he could have gone 2-0 against the Bills this year if there wasn't for that one fucking turnover.
We owned the Bills all through Tom Brady. They've had a nice few couple of years off, and now Drake May's here, and he's sending the fucking message out there to Buffalo.
Get ready to get miserable again twice a year because you're losing to the Pats. That's what I saw.
Condolences to Gerard Mayo. I mean, I don't, did they give you a fair shake? I mean, fucking one season.
I mean, Bill Belichick got fired with this team last year. Like, I don't know.
What do I know about running a football team? But I feel like Gerard Mayo got the Pete Carroll treatment where Pete Carroll came in and what he really should have been called was coach, not Bill Parcells. And I feel like Mayo came in and was like, you're not, um, you're not Bill Belichick.
Cause I don't understand how can you be so enamored with a guy and then fucking a year later be like, yeah, no, I don't know. I thought it was a positive year.
The fact that we, we, we got a guy that can play quarterback at this level. That's huge.
That's going to attract talent. I mean, I don't know.
I'm excited about next year's season. I don't know.
Call me a fucking optimist. Call me a bald ginger who never played beyond organized football, beyond the third grade.
Like, what the fuck do you know? You can call me all those things. Guess what? I don't care.
I don't care because I have a fucking life coach and I pay them to tell me that I'm fucking doing things the correct way. Um, so Bill, what did you do with your Sunday? I played with my kids and then they went to a kid's birthday party.
My wife usually handles those. She's like social and uh i ended up um what did i do i fucking oh i flew yesterday soloed the uh i soloed down to this uh the fuck is it called mcclellan airport or whatever down near san diego and um it's a flight that that i've been wanting to do for a while but uh you know it was an intimidating flight because it was like military airspace on the way down there um what the fuck's the name i'm forgetting the name of all everything down there that whatever that military base is but then i found out you just have to be above 2000 to just fly along the coast and you're fine and you're kind of like is it that easy but you know you got long beach los alamitos and john wayne you have to transition all those air spaces which is pretty easy you keep.
You keep it about at a thousand feet. You know, you don't go any higher than that.
You won't be in the way of anybody taking off a landing or whatever, depending on which way the wind's going. But I did learn this about myself.
If, if a flight is longer than an hour, one way I need to land and stretch or at the very least, remember to do my yoga, which is basically, you know, cause you got your feet on the pedals, but like only your feet, you know, the fulcrum, as they say in drumming is just your ankles. That's the pivot point.
I should say, you know, it's not, so your knees are just stationary for like two straight hours. At my age, you can't do that.
They start at least you get like rigor mortis. Sois so I gotta like you know it's funny like I sort of keep myself in trim when I'm moving my leg back and forth and I take it off the pedals I'm using the uh the collective to keep myself in trim depending on which way the nose goes either add more power or take it away and you can actually keep it in trim so anyway um, um, before I go back and do this play, which I'm so excited to do, Glen Gary, Glen Ross, in case, uh, you're new to the podcast, uh, the Palace Theater starting March 10th.
Um, and Kieran Culkin, who I'm going to be doing, uh, the plays basically the star of the play as far as, uh, as far as I know him and bob odenkirk uh he won a golden globe last night so it's pretty cool um anyway uh i just lost my completely lost my train of thought oh yeah so i had like three airports i wanted to solo to so basically what you do is you just keep expanding the area that you're comfortable flying in. And the only way to do that is to kind of push yourself a little bit.
So I wanted to solo to Big Bear down at McClellan. I can never remember the name of that fucking airport.
That one in... What's the other one? I always forget the name of it.
I have to remember this street I used to live on. Fullerton.
I can never remember Fullerton. So I always think like, oh, my first LA apartment was on Fuller.
Hollywood and Fuller. So I'm like, oh, all right.
Okay. Fullerton.
I don't know how to remember that other one. And then the last one I want to do, which I'm going to do maybe next week or something, is Paso Robles.

And that one's just a fucking long-ass flight.

So I think I'll go up the coast once again because that's more scenic.

If you just kind of go direct from the valley, once you go through the grapevine, it's just a bunch of farmland.

It's kind of fun because, you know, if you had a problem, you could put it anywhere you wanted. Your biggest problem was if you brought water and a weapon.
Bakersfield is shady. It's fucking great, but it's fucking, you know, it gets shady out there.
You know, you get out there in the middle of fucking nowhere and all of a sudden you're walking on somebody else's property. You know, I'd be a little nervous about that.
So I would want to be able to shoot back. I am a revolver guy.
That was something I was meaning to do out here. I was going to get my gun license and I just got so fucking busy.
And that's not something you want to kind of know.

You know what I mean?

That's something you want to know.

I don't want to just pass the written or whatever the fuck it is.

The thing you got to take out.

I want to know what the fuck is going on with that.

So anyway, I did that flight on an absolutely perfect day.

One of the rare days, just like today. It's totally clear out, but it's not windy.
You know, I used to think before I got my license, like, oh, a clear day, that's the day you want to fly on. It's usually clear because it's real, the wind is gusting and it's turbulent and it's blowing all the haze and smog away, right? And it's actually those hazier days, it kind of sucks.
It's kind of like life. You can't have your cake and eat it.
So on the hazier days, when the air is just hanging there and the visibility is poor, it's a nice smooth ride because there's no wind, but then you can't really see as much. But yesterday was the perfect fucking day.
And I went right down the coast, down Orange County and all of these gorgeous, gorgeous homes right on the water, which is also like terrifying. There's a couple of peninsulas.
If you Google Earth it on the way down there, right before you get to the tits, the nuclear reactors there, right along that coast there, if you Google Earth it, like there's a couple of peninsulas where if you're on the street and you're looking at the house, you're like, wow, man, what a view and blah, blah. You look at that house from the air, you're like, that thing's going to fall into the fucking ocean.
So anyway, oh, my neighbor's got the best fucking German shepherd. I've had a couple of run-ins with dogs that have just been, like, life-changing.
They have the best fucking German Shepherd. And then a buddy of mine, I think I've already brought this up on the podcast.
He has, like, a chocolate Labrador retriever that I met that dog. It was fucking life-changing.
It reminded me of old Cleodio. I still, you know, when I drive by the vet that I used to take her I still yell out the window oh Cleo it always makes me feel good I used to always she would be downstairs and I would be upstairs I would be watching tv and if she was downstairs hanging with my lovely wife and I wanted to see her I just go oh Cleo and I would hear the you know the dog tags and then here coming up the uh running up the stairs and then she would walk really gingerly across the hardwood floor because she would slip and fall on it it was so funny but she so she would be totally excited but also going really slowly it was amazing and then when she would get to the couch area, there was a rug.
And then she would just like fucking like a great tailback, you know, or a point guard, that acceleration to the hoop. She'd go like zero to 60 and come flying in with that pit bull head that is as hard as a fucking anvil.
And I would have to like slip a punch, but it's like a headbutt. And she would land right on the other side between me and the back of the couch.
And she would, she had this, you know, their paintbrush tongue, two licks, she covered your face. And then she would snuggle in there.
She put one, one paw across my belly and she, she do a big inhale. And then like this sigh of an exhale, and I would just rub her

the top of her head while I watched TV, and within three minutes, she would have her head buried,

her snout buried in my armpit, and she would start snoring. It was my favorite thing

in the fucking world, and I really miss having a dog. I mean, obviously, I love having kids and

everything, and my dog was crazy. She would have killed my kids, you know? She was that kind of,

Thank you. fucking world.
And, uh, I really miss having a dog. I mean, obviously I love having kids and everything.
And my dog was crazy. She would have, she would have killed my kids.
You know,

she was that kind of nuts. You know, my trainer who ended up giving her to, he said, you know, some dogs nature says no to, but people say yes to like, he was even like, what the fuck with this dog.
So anyway, um, anyway, yeah, I'd love to get a fucking dog and i want a dog too i don't want some little fucking you know dish rag that you fucking go outside you you know we used to do a bit about that taking i think it was anthony clark just do a bit about people with little dogs they take them outside and they just would squeeze them just like ring them out something like that instead of having walked down the street um plus coyotes you know there was a pack of five of them the other day i was at a buddy's house and i pull up to his house and i see one see there was there's always they they were either in groups of two or three usually and this time it was like there was like five and i felt like i was in some fucking cop movie you know when the guy's wearing the wire and the wire doesn't work and they're sitting in the van and i'm just like it's a go it's go it's going down can you hear me's a fucking, it's fucking going down, right? And just watching, I was like, I go, there's one.

Where's the other one?

And I see the other one.

I go, oh, wow, there's three, right?

Oh, no, I was doing the podcast.

What am I talking about?

Was I doing the podcast?

I saw five of them.

I'm losing my mind out here.

Anyway, I was at the comedy store last night running my hour because I have a show out here in LA. I'm doing a benefit, uh, for a great cause.
And, um, you know, I had to make sure if I was going to bomb, it was going to be last night and not tomorrow night. So I got that stuff done.
So I got that going for me. And what else? Oh, I got one for you.
I was listening to this fucking song, right? Club Soda Kenny, the amazing, the legendary Club Soda Kenny had this great post where he posted a collage of pictures, a montage, a, a, a, One of those fucking words. A, uh...

I don't know what the fuck you call it, but it was just all of these pictures from all of this stuff that we did over the last like 12 months or a little over a year or whatever. And I was just like, wow, man, I really forget sometimes how cool this fucking life is to be a traveling comedian and all of this stuff you get to see and do, right? So underneath it, he had the music from The Spy Who Loved Me, which is Carly Simon.
So he had the piano, just the instrumental version of it. So I'm a huge Carly Simon fan.
And I was actually listening to one of her albums the other day and like the drum sound on that You're So Vain, the toms are just so fucking huge and here's a trivia on it I was saying to a buddy of mine I gotta fucking move my car now right, is that what's happening? Of course can't fucking sit here um all right i'm gonna be driving a little bit for this part so uh here's a bit of trivia about that song is mick jagger sings backup i think it's from the second chorus on and what's amazing is i heard that song a million times and I've never heard, I never noticed that he was singing.

And then once you know that he's singing, not only can you not hear the guy anymore, you can't believe how far up in the mix he is. So anyways, I'm listening to this, you know, Club Soda has, you know, Nobody Does It Better song.
and I loved that song when I was a kid because the first time I heard it, I was watching NFL 81 with Mike Adam Lee and, uh, what's his face there? Uh, uh, uh, from not Brent Musburger, the fucking guy from, uh,umbel, I knew it was a fucking B, Brian Gumbel, anyway, sorry, I don't fucking hit anybody going through the intersection here, you know what's funny, this podcast can and will be used against me if I get into a car accident here, yeah, NFL 81 with Brian Gumbel and Mike Adamley. And they played that song, Nobody Does It Better by Carly Simon.
And they played it underneath Walter Payton highlights. And it was incredible.
And I fell in love with the song. And it was funny because I listened to the song with my, not only my kid brain, with the male brain.
So I'm listening to that song. And it's like, oh, there's this beautiful woman, Carly Simon, singing about this guy, Nobody Does It Better.
And they're saying it's Walter Payton. And then, you know, and your little boy fantasy, oh, she's singing about me too, right? You make it about yourself.
If you're a little egomaniac. Um, but now as I've gotten older, every time I listen to that song, I think it's about something else.
When I got older, went through a couple of relationships. I'm like, oh man, she's singing about some other dude.
She's, she's with a guy now and she's fucking, the guy's not doing it for her. And this other guy had the magic touch and like, you know, basically, you know, he, he, he knew how to get her there in the bedroom.
Right. And now she's with this other guy and she's just all fucking bored and he thinks she's happy.
And here she is singing about this other guy in her fucking head. Wow.
I used to take this song literally like she was with this guy. She was in a relationship with some guy that she loved and she was singing about him.
It's like, no, she's in a relationship with some other guy, but she's singing about the previous guy. So now I went back and listened to it again.
Now I'm in my 50s and I'm like, no, no, no, that's not what it is. Now I think that song is about a woman who's in a relationship.
She's thinking about another guy. She's thinking about a previous boyfriend.

And right now she's in this current relationship.

Where they're going through a fucking hard time.

And she's not happy.

So she's thinking about a past boyfriend.

And she's romanticizing it.

Because if you listen to the lyrics.

It's like if this guy was that fucking amazing.

Why did you leave him? You know what I mean? And then you start thinking, well, wait a minute, she's with this new guy that she thought she loved. And now she's going through a tough time and she's thinking about this other guy and saying that he was better than the guy that she's with.
Wait, do you say shit like this to the guy you're currently with? Do you say that mean girl shit to him? Wait a minute. Did you do that to the first guy? The spy who loved you and then that's why that relationship ended? Because, I mean, it sounds like this guy was the greatest fucking guy ever.
And then there's another part of me. This song just never ends.
There's this other part of me that listens to that song. And I think that when she goes, The spy who loved me is keeping all my secrets safe tonight.
Right? Keeping all the secrets safe. That you're going out fucking around.
And he's a spy. Wait, is he also? You guys are both married.
And you can trust each other that you're not going to say nothing

because both of you have too much to fucking lose?

Is this song about adultery?

I don't know.

It's a great fucking song.

A great song.

Look at that lady.

What a fucking beauty she is.

Look at that guy.

I wonder if she fucking loves you, buddy.

Or when you're riding her,

is she thinking about somebody else going, Nobody does it better simply because he's not you. I've gotten bored with how stable our fucking life is.
I miss the drunk sex. do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
The way that you fucked me after you slapped me and tried to bang half my friends. I don't know.
It's a fascinating song from an amazing artist who, um, the great thing too about golly Simon. Oh my God.
Look at this guy. He looks like a straight Rob Halford.
There you go. Look at him.
He's got his script bag and his fucking leather jacket. Looking like he's writing a movie about motorcycles motorcycles but has a Prius.

Why does that Bank of America look like a fucking theme park?

I don't know why.

It literally looks like you'd walk in there and be a clown like,

Oh, does somebody want a loan today?

Don't talk down to me.

Oh, you're grumpy.

You know, they try to turn it around on you.

There's another German Shepherd. You see that? All of a sudden you want something.
You start seeing it everywhere. Oh man, this is what happens when you do a podcast.
I'm driving the wrong fucking way. He's got to get out of the way.
Is there anything better than a person that could have gotten to the crosswalk but sees you already starting to take the turn and let you go? The way that you let me make my fucking left turn makes me feel that you would be a good wife. Do, do, do.
You know, ever since the pandemic, people just have a fascination with jogging in the road I don't understand why they jog in the fucking road There's a sidewalk right there Why are you out in the fucking road? Well, because it's smoother, you selfish cunt We'll go run on the beach Alright, I like this lady Too old to be wearing the college sweatshirt that better be a kid's sweatshirt you're sending your kids there oh you are you still hanging on to your past the way that he finger banged me during my sophomore year i'm telling you listen to that song it's a fucking amazing song I don't think, and that's another thing about her music is you never quite know what it's about. Like, You're So Vain, all of these people are like, hey, who did you write it about? Who'd you write about? She's like, I'm not telling you.
Old school. Best she's ever done has been, all right, it's about three different people.
I think she finally said one of the names. But anyway.
But I also kind of feel like that song is about three different people. Like, at some point, Carly Simon had to be like, wait a minute, what am I doing that I keep ending up with these fucking guys that come walking in with apricot scarves looking at themselves in the mirror? All right, I think I'm fucking too many.
Into the Carly Simon thing here. I've been listening to a lot of that like.
Singer songwriter stuff. From the 70's.
And what used to be called soft rock. I've listened to a lot of that shit.
Some people call it yacht rock. I call it station wagon music.
Because I was always. Whenever I hear that.
My mom used to listen to it. And the station wagon or riding with your friend's mom with the big glasses you know when the scarf tied around her head and that fucking skinny cigarette you know what I mean making you feel like you were getting a healthy cancer that's what they used to do Whenever you hold me You fucking douchebag

Alright Whenever you hold me, you fucking douchebag. Be-da-boo-dee-bee.
All right. Where am I driving to right now? I have another pitch meeting.
I'm out here pitching shows, people. So I'm going to fucking pull into one of my favorite coffee spots here.
I'm going to finish this podcast is what I'm going to do. Well, I'll finish most of it before I get my coffee.

What are you doing?

The fuck are you doing?

Jesus Christ, these fucking people.

You know I'm driving the exact same way.

And you know that I'm aware of that.

But you know I'll never admit it unless I'm on a podcast for comedic effect.

Other than that, I will fucking, at least

you can hear that I do use my turn signal. You know what I hate? I hate a parking lot

that used to sell Christmas trees every year and then one year they just stopped. They're

no longer there and you're like, oh no, are they developing that property? And then they

don't. It's just barren the whole fucking year.
It's depressing. All right.
I don't know why if you sit in the car, why it gets so fucking hot so goddamn quickly. All right.
Let me do the reads here for this week. All right.
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All right. We did it.
We got through the reads. All right.
Here we go. Oh my God.
I love this one. Dear Billy Bittertits.
I love that one. I might have to pass that one on to Nia.
She might like that. Dear Billy Bittertits, will you please keep your incel fans in check? They're harping on your old slash temporary feelings about women slash girls.
We're being attacked by them. Thank you.
I love you so much, your loyal fan. How would I do that? I don't even know.
Why would I have incel fans? I'm always making fun of fucking nerds. They're harping on your old slash temporary feelings about women.
Oh, when I was doing all that misogynistic shit, that wasn't really temporary. That was sort of an era in my comedy.
Um, Hey, I was going through shit. All right.
I was trashing women because I didn't know how to fucking make the next step in life.

And I blame them because I was an immature cunt.

But whatever.

Why don't you take enjoyment?

What do you mean you're being... How are you being attacked?

You know, you don't have to go to the comment section, people.

You can always just watch a video and then move on to the next one.

Anyways, but I will forgive all of what you just said because you called me Billy Bittertits. I love that.
Incels. Oh my God.
Why don't they just call them what they really are? Quitters. You know what I mean? It's like, maybe you need to hit on less of a woman.
You ever think about that? Maybe you're not man enough for the women that you like. And you're not willing to do what you need to do.
Right? Which is start a streaming network or a fucking, I don't know what you need to do, what an incel needs to do to get a good looking woman. But out here in Hollywood, that's what you do.
You become a big agent. You fucking sell some tickets as a comedian.

You run a stream.

You got to become successful.

But in the back of our heads, we all know that the true studs were the ones that didn't have any fucking money.

And back in the day, they just did it off a vibe.

Before they even had a car, they were getting the hotties.

You get the hotties, you know, and you got to be a fan of that. You can't hate on that.
All right. You just, you got to recognize greatness.
All right. Okay.
This person writes in. Oh, there's a lady.
Oh, my goodness. You're my breakup remedy.
Billion Buster Rimes. I'm a 27-year-old lady listener.
Somewhat long time. I say somewhat because I listen to your podcasts in spurts.
You see, I'm not a huge fan of podcasts in general. I get bored and would rather listen to music.
Typical female. Why do I need to know all of that? You know what I mean? You come out, you say, oh my God, I'm a somewhat long-time listener.
You're my breakup remedy. By the way, you know, I'm not that big a fan and I get bored with your bullshit.
I'd rather listen to fucking Carly Simon. Oh God, women.
This is how you write, like most women, female compliments. This is the natural reaction.
Thanks, right? That's what it is. Thanks with a question mark.
I think somewhere in there, there was something positive. Anyways, but when I do listen to your podcast, oh, thank you for gracing me with your eardrums.
Yours is my absolute favorite. You see what she just did? Look at the manipulation of that.
I'm going back to my era of misogyny here. You know what I mean? She couldn't just say, hey, I'm a big fucking fan.
She has to let me know that she's not really into what the fuck I do. She's actually into this other shit.
But when I do pay attention to the area that you live in the world, you are my favorite. So feel blessed that when I do take the time to fucking pay attention to you.
Jesus Christ. Anyway, about four years ago, I found the podcast, really enjoyed it and kind of fell off.
I know you got bored. You were thinking of somebody else.
Nobody does it better. I'd rather listen to a guitar player than a screaming ginger.
However, I went through an unexpected breakup. Oh, the worst breakup.
Oh, my heart goes out to you, sweetheart. The unexpected, the old kick to the tits there, right? It's a punch to a chest as a man.
It's a front

kick to the titties for a lady. Either way, it's fucking painful.
Or if you're they, a kick to the

new titties or the recently departed. Okay.
See titties fucking there for everybody. Um, I'm going through a completely worse breakup.
It's like the previous breakup on crack. LOL.
Oh no. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
Oh God. Oh my God.
I remember going through fucking breakups. You know what the hardest part of the breakup is? Forget about the pain.
Is you're like, what did I used to do? Like you're trying to like rebuild your life without this. It's like a tornado came and took your fucking house.
All right. My current heartbreak is with the boy I've been back and forth with since eighth grade.
Oh, you went back to the spy who loved me. Well, good for you.
You had a good time for a little bit before you fucking ripped your heart out. This last attempt at a relationship as adults, we moved in together.
My world is upside down and I'm in shambles. Well, you know what? I mean, you tried to make it work.
At least, listen, in the future, you're not going to have any heartbreak with this guy because God knows you gave it a shot. It's worse when you never even gave it a shot and you got to wonder what if.
So there's something positive. Anyways, she goes on to say, I can't listen to a lick of music without feeling depressed, nostalgic, and all those icky emotions.
I would suggest listening to new music. How about that? And I don't mean you got to listen to it from now.
Listen to a type of music you didn't listen to back then. You can use it as an opportunity to expand your musical intellect.
Is that the word? Anyway, this person says, so what do I do? I put on the Monday morning podcast and listen to you ramble. It's the perfect balance of bullshit, humor, surprisingly good takes on important matters.
Did your eighth grade boyfriend leave you because he was tired of backhanded compliments? Yeah, I don't listen to podcasts. They're pretty fucking boring.
But if I do, I listen to yours. Thanks.
You know, bullshit, humor, I get that part. But then surprisingly good takes on important matter.
Look at you. I thought you were stupid and every once in a while you say something smart.
Anyway, in free therapy, I'm not able to get sucked into my own thoughts because I'm too busy listening to yours. Well, there you go.
That's great. And I am a rambling jackass.
The other night I couldn't sleep because my stupid brain kept imagining my ex getting jiggy with another girl. He came to our apartment with a hickey from someone else recently.
All right. I mean, come on.
You're going to cry over that guy? Who does that? And I literally turned on your podcast just so I could fall asleep. Don't worry.
I'm moving out soon. Wow, man.
That's, that's, that's fucking, there's no reason to do. He could have fucking zipped up the turtleneck, right? There's no reason to do that to somebody.
Sorry, I don't listen. Unless you did some shit to him and he's trying to get you back.
So who knows? Sorry, I don't listen to you regularly when I'm emotionally stable and happy. Wow.
You know what? That's it. That three strikes, you're out.
You know, I'm glad that dude went out and got a fucking hickey. Why are you coming at me? Because your relationship didn't work out.
Sorry I don't listen to you regularly. Sweetheart, I didn't even know you listened to begin with.
You might be a little self-involved. I'm going to go out on a limb.
Do you write musicians and be like, usually I love musicians, but if I'm going through

a breakup, you got your, your music doesn't work for me anyway. But thanks for being there for me

when I'm going through it. Uh, thanks.
Thank you. I guess please go fuck yourself.
Uh,

and she says where she lives for a show so I can listen to you ramble in person. All right.
Well,

I hope you come out. All right?

But, you know, you need to learn how to give a compliment.

It's kind of like I was taking rights and lefts there.

I took a right, a left, and then another fucking right.

And then I didn't break up with you.

Anyway, shit.

I bet that other guy feels a little relieved. right uh virtual reality hey bill have you maybe she's just giving me shit i think because i talk so much to sometimes people i'm gonna say that i'm gonna say you're a sweetheart and you were just breaking my fucking balls even though it wasn't worded that way seemed like you would you know sorry i don't listen to it.
Virtual reality. Hey, Bill, have you ever tried the Microsoft Flight Simulator in VR? Velvet Revolver? I don't know what VR is.
I would love to try that. Wouldn't that be a good idea for your podcast? You could talk while flying around.
You could also fly to places you've been to and tell us about it. That sounds amazing.
The graphics are really good and you can fly helicopters. Feel free to write me if you have any questions.
You can find some videos about it on, yeah, this sounds like a sales pitch. Whatever.
It's still a fun thing. I believe in it though on YouTube, but in VR's also a whole oh virtual reality it's a whole different experience really good feeling love your podcast um that would be incredible do you know I actually met like a a real professional pilot that like flies jumbo jets to like Korea and back.
And he has an insane setup because I think he doesn't get to fly for fun because he flies for a living. He doesn't get to fly for fun enough.
And he has, he showed me his setup. He had a helicopter setup and he built the whole cockpit.
It was frigging amazing. Um, anyway, all right, I'm going to read this one quickly and then I got to wrap up the podcast.
Called my girlfriend. Called my girlfriend a nine, a nine out of ten jokingly.
Oh, boy. Hey, Bill, I think I made a mistake with my girlfriend of two years when I was trying to be funny.
I was talking with her rating celebrities, rating on who's hot and who's not. Just a stupid game we do to pass time.
Nobody really gets offended if we rate somebody a nine or nine out of 10 or a four out of 10. I was making a lot of jokes about these ratings, bringing up dumb shit about them to bring them down or to bring them up.
Nothing serious. Yeah, that sounds funny.
In the most recent debate, I said, well, how can you rate so-and-so as a five? I'm a five and you're a solid nine. I was purposely degrading of myself whilst trying to uplift her.
I wasn't truly rating her as only a nine. I was just trying to make her seem much better than me.
She took it as a massive offense, saying that no girl wants to hear that they are less than a 10. I'm currently being given the silent treatment for the last six hours.
I admit it was a shit joke. No, it wasn't.
However, I didn't expect this response. To me, she is a legit 10 out of 10.
Did I fuck up? And is this my fault? You're a solid seven, my friend. Go fuck yourself.
Yeah, dude, and that's funny. I'm calling me a solid seven.
That's funny. It's a callback to your joke.
Dude, this is what you do. Okay.
Just let her ride out that silence. Let her talk first.
Because that's completely just baby, immature, manipulative fucking behavior. All right.
It's fucking ridiculous. And it's almost to the point I would be like, listen, is this how it's going to be? Is this the tip of the iceberg? If this is enough to derail your fucking day, what are you going to do when there's really a problem? I mean, you don't want to say shit like that, but that's just what I'm thinking.
But this is just a manipulation thing, and she's being beyond childish and beyond petty. She's not a 10.
I don't even have to look at her. She's not a 10.
Okay? Cindy Crawford. Women at that level.
All right? They're 10s. Your girlfriend you met at the coffee shop.
To say she's a 9 is a ridiculous fucking compliment when there's Halle Berry's out there. All right? I'm just saying.
Margot Robbie or whoever you want to name somebody. I always look at people that I was looking at.
You know what I mean? I ain't no fucking creep here. My brand is being an asshole.
Yeah, I mean, give me a fucking break. I would actually, I would, there would be a part of me being like, I don't understand why you're so mad about this.
No girl doesn't matter who she's a 10 out of 10. I go, well, we're doing a superficial thing, just looks, and I was also trying to be funny.
Also, Margot Robbie is in the world. She's a 10.
You're telling me you're as good looking as her? Am I as good looking as that fucking kid who played Elvis? I'll answer it for you. No, I'm a negative number compared to that guy.
What the fuck is wrong with you? Go get some ice cream for both of us. I don't know.
I wouldn't give into that shit personally, but maybe I'm being a little bit fucking petty. I don't know.
Don't be mean about it. Just be, but here's the thing.
It's a great opportunity to be like, yeah, I got to be honest with you. The level of upset that you got over just that joke and the fact that you haven't talked to me for six hours, I think was a little excessive.
And the fact that you took a joke that seriously,

I called myself a five.

Did that even register?

I basically said mathematically,

you're almost twice as good looking as I am.

And I didn't call you a 10 because it was part of the joke.

That's why I said solid, a solid nine. No one says a solid nine.
Lower numbers are solid. But she's a nine.
Nine out of ten. That's how you say nine.
No one says solid nine. It's obviously a fucking joke.
I would have a little bit of issue with that. I would just be like.
This feels manipulative. That like.
And like. Thin skinned.
I I need to be in a relationship where I can have fun and make jokes. You can say whatever you want about me.
But if I'm joking back, which you know I'm making a joke, the fact that you didn't talk to me for six hours and you still feel that you're owed an apology, I'm not saying I won't apologize for it because it offended you, but the fact that you didn't talk to me for six hours, you got to say something back to me too, because I'm not going to get involved in this sort of power dynamic where I'm going to be sitting here in God save the queen fucking mode. All right.
I think I said that last part pretty good. Good luck to you, sir.
All right. That's the podcast.
Unfortunately, I'm a little busy, so I can't give you, I owe you 11 minutes. All right.
Don't give me the silent treatment for six hours. All right.
That's it. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.
Thank you.