Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-3-25

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in

Speaker 1 on you,

Speaker 1 January 1st, 2025.

Speaker 1 You know, a lot of people say to me, a lot of people, by it, I just mean like one person said to me. I'm just going to say it's a lot because I'm doing a podcast and I need content

Speaker 1 because that's what the world has been about. We need content.
We need content creators.

Speaker 1 We need to get these content creators under our creative umbrella and not pay them anything, and then we'll get all the money. Does that sound fair?

Speaker 1 And then we'll take our faces off of the fucking website.

Speaker 1 Someone was telling me. that they were like, wow, I can't believe that it's, we're already a quarter

Speaker 1 of the way through this century. What the fuck? And it's like, all right, but, you know,

Speaker 1 the year 2000, Bill Clinton was in office.

Speaker 1 It was the last year of his presidency. That seems like a long fucking time ago.
All right? You had the MTV.

Speaker 1 What was that show called?

Speaker 1 Where they did the top whatever. Total request live.

Speaker 1 That was happening. People were making music videos.
People were buying CDs. That was a long fucking time ago.
That seems like a long time ago to me. I'm not going to lie to you.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to be one of these guys. Like, 2012 seems like a long fucking time ago.
2015, all of that shit.

Speaker 1 Like the last decade has started to fade. Where it's just like, wow, man, like 2018, 2019 didn't seem like that.
It's a long fucking time ago. I think it is.

Speaker 1 Everybody else is like, Jake, you can't believe it. Where did it go?

Speaker 1 Where does it go? I just don't don't understand. Where does it go?

Speaker 1 Where does it go? It fucking goes down the toilet.

Speaker 1 That's where it goes. You go to fucking work every day.
You get married. You have kids.
You're just trying to make it to 8 o'clock at night every fucking night. That's what it is.

Speaker 1 That's what it is. You just want to fucking go to sleep.
And you're tired all the fucking time.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 yeah, that's what happens. Once you have kids, you're just tired.

Speaker 1 That's That's it. You're fucking tired.

Speaker 1 Shit, you used to do, you don't want to do it anymore.

Speaker 1 And you always have the same reason. Why don't you want to do it? I'm tired.

Speaker 1 What time's that start? Yeah, no, no, I'm not going to make it. What do you mean you're not going to make it? I'm not going to make it.
How do you know? It's three days from now.

Speaker 1 I know I'm going to be tired.

Speaker 1 I hung out with my family all day today. It was awesome.
And I didn't watch any of the college football,

Speaker 1 which I'll get back into. You know, some of the shit that I saw.
I watched a little bit on Saturday. I watched

Speaker 1 Penn State and Boise,

Speaker 1 which looked like it was going to be a bloodbath. Then it looked like it was going to be a great game.
And then Penn State took over.

Speaker 1 I always feel like Penn State always has some white kid wearing number 44 that is just,

Speaker 1 you know, he's a throwback.

Speaker 1 You can't stop him.

Speaker 1 I got Gino Capoletti from way back in the day.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I watched that game, had a good time. I just picked like one game.
And I don't really pick which game I'm going to watch. It's which game I'm going to be available for.

Speaker 1 So I did not go to the Rose Bowl this year.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 just been trying to speak. Like I said, I'm going to be doing this play in New York, so every second I have with my family is a precious thing to me.
So anyway,

Speaker 1 we went to the beach today, and it was funny. I had to

Speaker 1 teach both my kids a lesson.

Speaker 1 So my daughter's writing her name in the sand

Speaker 1 and she's getting down to the last letter. So of course her little brother comes running over, starts writing his name.
She's going, no, no, no, I want to write it here.

Speaker 1 He completely doesn't doesn't give a shit, completely ignores her, hears what she's saying, completely blows her off. So my daughter gets upset and she just wipes her nose.

Speaker 1 I go, why don't you write your name over there? And she's like, no, she just wipes the whole thing away. So I see her, she's seething, and my son is making like a little sandcastle.

Speaker 1 And I say to her, I go, you're still upset, right? And she goes, yeah, because I want to go over there and knock, I want to kick his sandcastle down.

Speaker 1 And I go, well, why don't you?

Speaker 1 And she looks at me. I go, look, did he have any respect for you writing your name?

Speaker 1 The reason why he doesn't, there's no ramifications.

Speaker 1 So she goes, all right, Tippo, this is female brain here. She didn't just go up and do it.
She goes, I'm going to wait till he's done.

Speaker 1 And then she went over there and stood over him as he was finishing it, going, I'm going to knock that over. And he's going, no.

Speaker 1 She goes,

Speaker 1 I'm going to knock it over. He's going, no.

Speaker 1 And he's looking at me going, Dad, Dad. I go, well, you, you.
You messed up her name.

Speaker 1 So he goes, I got to wash my hands in the ocean. Don't touch my castle so he's walking down there

Speaker 1 my daughter waits till he gets halfway there and can't do anything about it and she knocked it over so of course he screams bloody murder and he cries and everything like that and he's looking at me like you know like what the fuck dad

Speaker 1 and i just look at him i said buddy

Speaker 1 you can't go around you you knew she was trying to write her name and look what you did you trampled all over it so if you do that someone's going to knock down your castle he's going no i'm like yeah yeah.

Speaker 1 That's how that works. So, you know, we had a little fit for a couple minutes.
Then it was over.

Speaker 1 And then I sat down next to my daughter.

Speaker 1 Afterward,

Speaker 1 I said,

Speaker 1 he won't step on your name anymore.

Speaker 1 You know, you can't let people literally walk all over you like that. Okay.
He needs to learn that he can't do that.

Speaker 1 If he does that, someone's going to, you know, hit him back or break his stuff or whatever.

Speaker 1 And it all worked out great. And halfway in my head, I'm like, is this like a bad thing to be doing? And I was like, I don't think it is.
I don't think it is.

Speaker 1 I think that was like the right thing to do. I mean, it was harmless.
It's just a stupid sandcastle and somebody's name in the sand. But there is like a little thing there.

Speaker 1 If there's no ramifications, no one's going to have respect for you. And then also, you can't just walk around.

Speaker 1 As I always use this reference, you can't walk around acting like the first guy Steven Seagal beats the shit out of in a movie. You know, remember that guy?

Speaker 1 Just to establish that he's like this tough guy, you know,

Speaker 1 like you don't already know that with all of his movies, right? That's what his character is going to be.

Speaker 1 He would always like walk into a bar and there would just be some just random guy, you know, in the credits, guy number one,

Speaker 1 just for no reason at all. He'd be like, hey, pussy, what's with your fucking ponytail? I don't like your fucking shirt.

Speaker 1 He'd just look at him and he would just beat the shit out of him and all his friends. And all of his friends.

Speaker 1 So I have to teach my son that he just can't go around doing whatever the hell he wants to do. Someone's going to knock him down or knock down his sandcastle.
So I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know what you guys think. I mean, I thought it was a nice, easy way when the stakes were pretty low.

Speaker 1 Even in my son's world, the sandcastle was a pretty big part of his life at that moment. But you know, he's young.

Speaker 1 So anyway,

Speaker 1 I had a great couple of days, man.

Speaker 1 Just had a great couple of days the last few days of the year.

Speaker 1 Chilling out.

Speaker 1 Fucking tired as shit here after the day.

Speaker 1 Been playing drums and guitar and just hanging out at the fucking house and just soaking it all in.

Speaker 1 Crushing the Gary Glenn Ross lines. I'm like

Speaker 1 basically basically off book for the first section, and now I'm going to tackle the next section tonight.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I just want to be as prepared as I can be.

Speaker 1 And then we get, then I get six weeks of rehearsal. So, I mean, I think I should,

Speaker 1 you know, I'm not saying I'm going to do a good job, but I'm not going to forget words.

Speaker 1 At least I can do that.

Speaker 1 So, anyway,

Speaker 1 but fortunately, the cast is amazing. So,

Speaker 1 you know, I can do the

Speaker 1 game manager, get myself a ring.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 how about Ohio State?

Speaker 1 How about Ohio State losing to the Michigan Wolverines? Your season is a failure. Oh, my God.
I can't believe they have no quarterback. Everybody laughing, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 Rubbing it in your face with maize and blue. And now, all of a sudden,

Speaker 1 you win a playoff game you go to the Rose Bowl facing the number one Oregon Ducks

Speaker 1 and you beat the shit out of them 41 to 21

Speaker 1 I mean it was like 14 to nothing 17 nothing I was out at some clam shack out there in the fucking ocean on the beach and I checked the score And the first play I saw, they deflected a pass and almost intercepted it.

Speaker 1 Then they cut to the score. It was either 14-0 or 17-0.
I was like, oh, that's it.

Speaker 1 That's it. This is, is, was, what, now, what the fuck was going on with Oregon?

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 they're in the Big Ten, right?

Speaker 1 Because I'm almost going to say, like, they were on the West Coast playing, like, you know, some up-tempo offense against

Speaker 1 SC, but SC's in the Big Ten. I don't know what the fuck's going on.
All I know is they were ranked number one. Ohio State was ranked eighth.
And they came in there and they fucking

Speaker 1 kicked the shit out of them.

Speaker 1 Kicked the shit out of him. Big Ten.
How about the Michigan Wolverines beating Alabama? Big Ten football.

Speaker 1 Bang zoom to the fucking to the fucking head there.

Speaker 1 So I'm looking at the teams that are left. It's Penn State, Texas,

Speaker 1 winner of Georgia, Notre Dame, and

Speaker 1 Ohio State. Ohio State has a legit chance.
They've got to be two more teams. I think, do they play

Speaker 1 Penn State? I think they play Penn State. So it's probably going to be,

Speaker 1 or do they play Texas?

Speaker 1 I know Texas had a scare with that missed field goal in the end, but they ended up winning in double overtime. Thank God.

Speaker 2 Thank God.

Speaker 1 That fucking job, dude.

Speaker 1 Being a field goal kicker. That is the nitroglycerin

Speaker 1 of

Speaker 1 sports. It's just like.

Speaker 1 You're the hero or you're the goat. And I honestly think

Speaker 1 that more people remember your name if you missed than if you made it.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 I would think that. Like, I'm trying to think of the great field goal kickers.
Everybody remembers Neil O'Donnell.

Speaker 1 Because not even that, it was like a 48-yard. It wasn't a gimme.
It had plenty of leg. It just was a little to the right.

Speaker 1 You know, Adam Vinateri. Nobody remembers

Speaker 1 Jan Stenerud, Rolf Bernershka. Nobody's remembering those fucking names unless they miss.
Vinatari, Patriots fans will remember his name. But I ain't Colts fans, too.

Speaker 1 I always wonder when Adam Vinteri was watching the Colts in 2005. Was he sitting there going, what is it about this offense that looks so familiar?

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 yeah, fucking thankless job.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I got nothing to fucking talk about.

Speaker 1 What do you want from me? I've just been,

Speaker 1 yeah, basically just fucking woodshedding it.

Speaker 1 There were a few people that I haven't mentioned,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 that passed away,

Speaker 1 you know, when

Speaker 1 I've been traveling the world here. Well, obviously Ricky Henderson.
I think I brought him up.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 someone who passed,

Speaker 1 and I didn't even realize it, I think it was because I was in France when he passed, was the original Iron Maiden lead singer, Paul Diano. I hope I said his name right.

Speaker 1 I never knew, quite knew how to say his name.

Speaker 1 But I loved all his stuff,

Speaker 1 you know, all of those albums that he did

Speaker 1 and the vibe that he brought to the band.

Speaker 1 Like, there's two, like, distinct eras. There's the error with Paul and and Clive Burr in the band,

Speaker 1 and then there's, you know, Nico McBrain and Bruce Dickerson. Just really, you know, they still had that gallop sort of vibe with a lot of their riffs, but it was definitely like two different

Speaker 1 errors. But

Speaker 1 I was just on Instagram and I saw that he passed away. I was like, oh my God, he passed.
What? He died today or yesterday? Did I just miss it? I saw that he died in

Speaker 1 October.

Speaker 1 Fucking brutal. Clive Burr, too, man.
With that white, was it the Tama kit that he played?

Speaker 1 It's funny, like, so many of those bands, you know, because there was like, you know, obviously there was no fucking internet or anything to look shit up.

Speaker 1 So you didn't know how to say, you'd be looking on the back

Speaker 1 of the cover.

Speaker 1 And unless they had the name under the guy, like, you didn't know who the fuck was who

Speaker 1 for a lot of those bands. And then you didn't know how to pronounce the names.
This is all before, like, MTV and all of that shit.

Speaker 1 And so many of the bands that I listened to,

Speaker 1 like,

Speaker 1 when I would go back, I didn't even know that they had another singer. Somebody got kicked out or somebody died, like, with ACDC.
I remember, like,

Speaker 1 first I heard of them was the Back and Black album. Then I heard For Those About to Rock.
And then they put out, they re-released Dirty Deeds, which was called called something else in Australia.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, this fucking guy sounds different than the ACDC guy. Who the fuck is this guy? And I listened to him for years before I finally figured out, like, oh, they had a singer before them.

Speaker 1 What was his name? And then I would look at the Highway to Hell album, and I'm like, which one is Bond?

Speaker 1 Like, I knew who Angus was because he had the horns, but I was like, which one is Bond?

Speaker 1 I didn't,

Speaker 1 I either thought it was Bon Scott or Cliff Williams. I couldn't figure out who was who.
I knew who Phil Rudd was, and Malcolm looked like Angus, so I knew who they were.

Speaker 1 And it was the same thing with like

Speaker 1 Iron Maiden. Like their first big album that I listened to was Peace of Mind.
So Bruce Dickinson was on. That was his second album.
Then Nico McBrain took over for Clive Burr.

Speaker 1 And then like for years, I listened to them and I was afraid to go back

Speaker 1 and buy their earlier stuff because I wasn't sure if I would like it or not.

Speaker 1 And records were like 7.99 8.99 it was a lot of fucking money i had a paper route i was making like fucking you know nine bucks a week i'm gonna blow a week's salary taking a shot on the on on these albums so i listened to them for like from 83 to 87 somewhere in time before i finally went back

Speaker 1 uh one of my uh

Speaker 1 One of my buddies was big on

Speaker 1 like I was a greatest hits guy for the longest time. Like I bought Aerosmith's greatest hits, but my buddy was one of these people.
He would buy toys in the attic,

Speaker 1 and then I would listen to it. I would hear the hits, and then I would always hear another couple.
Like, one of those, what are those? Is that a good album? Yeah, and then, like, I would sort of like

Speaker 1 let him drop the money.

Speaker 1 And then, if it was good, I would fucking go ahead and buy it. Um,

Speaker 1 so anyway, uh, give it up for Chicago. Sebastian Meniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu Hulu on November 21st.
30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd.

Speaker 1 Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming.

Speaker 1 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 I'm going to, tomorrow, hopefully, I'm going to go

Speaker 1 Gonna get back on the horse here we're gonna keep polishing up

Speaker 1 the script that we wrote and all of that and gonna do a director's pass on it get the shots all lined up for what we want get

Speaker 1 as far into pre-production as I can before I get go ahead and do this

Speaker 1 do this play but

Speaker 1 anyway you guys be proud of me I went to the beach today

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I was able to sit

Speaker 1 pretty far away from my kids and watch them sort of play in the surf a little bit and not get freaked. They both know how to swim.
They're both really good swimmers. But

Speaker 1 I definitely kept thinking of orcas, the way they fucking

Speaker 1 can come up to the beach, sort of beach themselves and grab a seal and then sort of fucking do the worm to get back into the ocean. So I've only thought that maybe 30 times.

Speaker 1 But I did at one point when we sat down and we ate, I saw something jumping out of the water, which was cool. I think it was a dolphin.

Speaker 1 And I know that whale watch season, I think that's March. You know, it's funny, all my years of flying a helicopter, I've only seen one whale.

Speaker 1 I was flying up towards Santa Barbara, and

Speaker 1 it was right near the surface, but it didn't break, and the sun was

Speaker 1 glistening down on it. And it looked like a fucking glow stick almost.
It was really cool.

Speaker 1 But anyway, I'm going to

Speaker 1 I'm just going to hang with my kids as much as I can.

Speaker 1 And then like we've already scheduled like I'm going to have breakfast with my kids every morning when I'm away because that's like the big thing I make. I make breakfast for them and stuff

Speaker 1 every morning. So I'm going to just be doing like a FaceTime.
So I'll have breakfast with them or maybe it'll work better with dinner, depending on what time.

Speaker 1 But I'm just going to spend one meal with them every single day. And then one week, you know, we're going to figure it out how they can come out and see me and everything.
So

Speaker 1 anyway, that is going to, and that's going to be my fucking year. That's going to fly by.
And then, hopefully, we're going to shoot this next movie in like a month,

Speaker 1 a month's time. We're going to shoot it.
That's and that's going to be my fucking year. And I got a special coming out in March, right when the play starts, and all of that.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 1 I don't know. It's going to be a

Speaker 1 challenging year. So,

Speaker 1 I think

Speaker 1 when I'm all alone in New York, I'm just going to do the play and go to the gym, study my French, and just go back to being who the fuck I was before I met my wife.

Speaker 1 I was just like this fucking loner.

Speaker 1 I used to just spend the whole fucking day by myself. I was a fucking psycho.

Speaker 1 I would just spend my, I'm just going to go into that mode and then except when I'm doing the FaceTime with them or whatever. I don't know.
I'll figure it out.

Speaker 1 As you can tell, I'm definitely stressing out about it. Like going like, why did I fucking

Speaker 1 think I could do this? This is fucking crazy. But I'll figure it out.
Anyway,

Speaker 1 I haven't watched any Cone Brother movies lately. I am up to

Speaker 1 I obviously did

Speaker 1 No Country for Old Men and then A Simple Man. So I think the next one I have to watch is Burn After Reading and then I have True Grit, and a couple more after that.
So, I might pick that up,

Speaker 1 you know, this weekend. Because there's some movie I want to watch.

Speaker 1 Fuck, I forget the name of it. Me and Nia have been looking at the billboards, and it just looks funny.
It's supposed to be good.

Speaker 1 It's like Buy Bitch or something like that. Something bitch, and it just makes us laugh every time we see it.
So, like, we should fucking watch that.

Speaker 1 Oh, here's something I did that I was fucking stupid.

Speaker 1 Do you know I've never smoked weed out of a bong in my life? Ever?

Speaker 1 I never did because I, first of all, I never fucked with weed until I was like 37, 38. It was in my late 30s before I ever tried it.

Speaker 1 And even then, I was just always a booze guy. I just wasn't into it.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I was at this place, and they had like these bongs, and they had like ice in them and stuff, so the smoke wouldn't fucking

Speaker 1 wouldn't burn up your throat or whatever.

Speaker 1 So, you know, it's the Christmas break. I figured, all right, what the fuck, I'm going to go my whole life, never take a bong hit.
Jesus Christ. That was life-altering.

Speaker 1 For a week, I had to sit there and stop myself from buying a bong. And I was like, don't do that.

Speaker 1 This is what the fuck you do. You do something, you get into it, and then you bring it into your house, and then you have an addiction.

Speaker 1 Just leave it out of the house, and it will go away it's gonna fade away but jesus christ

Speaker 1 now i know why everybody that i grew up with that did was that did bong rips for a fucking sustained period of time was a fucking burnout i don't even know if they were a burnout as much as they were just high all the time they were just walking around in a cloud.

Speaker 1 And I was like, that is not a smart way to live life. But now that I've stepped behind the curtain and been on the other side I I'm not I'm not gonna lie to you I understand it

Speaker 1 I understand with all the fucking shit going on out there

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 what a nice break just do a f fucking hit off a bong

Speaker 1 and just be like a a

Speaker 1 insane level of high I mean it was it was fucking ridiculous and I was like I like this I like this a lot.

Speaker 1 I need to never do this again.

Speaker 1 And that's mature me. Because the old me used to be like, I like this.
I like this a lot. I need to do this more.
And then I would bring it into the house. And then I was fucked, right?

Speaker 1 That's what happened with cigars. That's what happened with booze.

Speaker 1 It's kind of like what happens with fucking everything with me. So I have a, I have no cigars in my house.
I am now back on another 100-day fucking sabbatical.

Speaker 1 Ain't happening. Ain't happening.
I actually

Speaker 1 didn't smoke the last couple of days. Well,

Speaker 1 the last day I didn't smoke. So I'm actually two days in.

Speaker 1 And it sucks. I want one pretty bad right now, but I don't have one.
So it's not bad. And then all it takes me is four to ten days.
And I'm just like, ah, who gives a fuck.

Speaker 1 Who gives a fuck? This is a smarter way to go.

Speaker 1 Although the bong rip was fucking 10 days ago, and I am still thinking about it vividly.

Speaker 1 That was exhilarating. That was like the

Speaker 1 first time I soloed a fucking helicopter, learning to ride a motorcycle, first time playing drums live with the band. I mean the fucking the first time you take a hit off a bong, that is up there.

Speaker 1 That is fuck, I'm not gonna lie to you, that is definitely

Speaker 1 up there. So anyway,

Speaker 1 I got a benefit coming up. Oh, geez, I got a benefit.

Speaker 1 January 7th, a little theater down on Wiltshire.

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 1 ah, sorry.

Speaker 1 I'm really excited about this, and I'm going to be

Speaker 1 going to go do my go run my hour somewhere before I do that.

Speaker 1 For all you young comics out there, you always got to do that. You can't be rusty and just go do a fucking hour in front of people.
Go down to the club, take your lumps, shake off the dust.

Speaker 1 If people paid to see you,

Speaker 1 you got to give them the real show. You can't give them the bedhead.

Speaker 1 How do I do this again show?

Speaker 1 That's how you lose your following. You can't rip people off because you have to understand that your fans are your fans until you fuck them.
And then that's it.

Speaker 1 You're done.

Speaker 1 then you're done.

Speaker 1 And that's what the relationship is. I am a fan of you as long as you deliver.
The second you don't, I'm going to trash you online and tell you to go fuck yourself. But that's the game.

Speaker 1 You don't take it personal. That's how the fucking game is played.

Speaker 1 I was actually hanging out with a buddy of mine

Speaker 1 over his house, and his dog was so cool. I am like sold on this breed.
He had a chocolate lab,

Speaker 1 and we were drinking coffee and smoking a cigar, right? And

Speaker 1 his wife came home and the dog had gone on like a significant hike. And this fucking thing just comes walking in

Speaker 1 and just walks right by both of us and then just goes right into the pool.

Speaker 1 I'm looking at my buddy like, is that cool? He goes, oh, you know, it does that. It gets, sometimes it gets a little hot on the hikes.
And then it comes out, it shook off, and

Speaker 1 it would not go back into the house, even if the door was open until it was dry. It just knew better.
And it was a total fucking love bug. But it was a big dog, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 So you could hug it and shit, you know. I hate those.
I don't mind little dogs and everything, but like,

Speaker 1 you know, you lose track of them. You know, you bump into them.

Speaker 1 You know, they're just like

Speaker 1 sort of like these squeaky toys that are alive.

Speaker 1 I would definitely, without a doubt, I would definitely get one of those. So

Speaker 1 I don't know. Maybe talk to my wife about that.
Gonna be like, you know,

Speaker 1 kids are old enough.

Speaker 1 Ah, she's gonna see through me. She's gonna be like, you just want to get a dog.
I'm like, I do.

Speaker 1 I do want to get a dog. Who doesn't want to have a fucking dog?

Speaker 1 Having a dog is like the reverse of watching 24-hour news network.

Speaker 1 Instead of all bad news, you go to all good news, all happiness. Good to see you.

Speaker 1 It's like when you come through the goddamn door.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 And with that,

Speaker 1 there's no ad reads, no nothing. Oh, oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
There is something that I got to tell you about.

Speaker 1 Hang on, hang on. One of my favorites, one of my favorites, Bianca Cristoval is going to be in London, everybody,

Speaker 1 Friday and Saturday this week, whatever that is.

Speaker 1 That's

Speaker 1 the fucking 4th and the 5th.

Speaker 2 She is going to be at.

Speaker 2 Where the hell is it? Where is it?

Speaker 1 Hang in there, hang in there. You got to go see her.
Her new hour is killer.

Speaker 1 There we go. She's going to be Friday the 3rd, Saturday the 4th of January.

Speaker 1 The Soho Theater.

Speaker 1 The Soho Theater. Please go and see her.
She's fantastic. She's doing the work.

Speaker 1 She's been opening for me for a number of years, and she's just a phenomenal, phenomenal comedian and person and all of that.

Speaker 1 You know, I recently saw her run her new hour, and it's just fantastic material. Nothing hacky, total original.
You got to go see her.

Speaker 1 I'm Bill Burr, and I approve of this message. Soho Theater, London, England.

Speaker 1 Friday, January 3rd, Saturday, January 4th. Go check her out.
All right. That said, everybody.
That is the podcast. Have a wonderful year this year.

Speaker 1 Have a great weekend. You cons, and I'll check in.
Look at that coyote.

Speaker 1 Look at that coyote coming now for something. Oh, there's his buddy.
and there's his other buddy oh there's another one fuck

Speaker 1 four five

Speaker 1 I'm sound like that guy double rainbow man

Speaker 1 five fucking coyotes oh they're killing something tonight another reason you got to get a chocolate lab

Speaker 1 you got to get a big dog

Speaker 1 That's the thing about those coyotes. They don't like a fair fight.
They don't like fighting in their weight class. I'll tell you, that's wild.
Do you ever see fucking when coyotes go after raccoons?

Speaker 1 All of these white trash people that fucking have a raccoon sitting on your Davenport splitting a bag of Doritos, if you ever saw those fucking things fight, if you ever heard the fucking noise,

Speaker 1 they have like a little mini fucking

Speaker 1 growl in them.

Speaker 1 They are fucking evil. I fucking hate raccoons.

Speaker 1 I fucking, I don't like those things. You know what I don't like about those things? They always see you before you see them.

Speaker 1 Have you ever seen a raccoon that wasn't already looking at you?

Speaker 1 Like fucking Glenn Close in the natural, just standing up like, what the fuck? God, god damn it. Fucking raccoon.

Speaker 1 They're always staring at you. They're always above you.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like some fucking guy that's going to suck you at a football game. He's two rows above you.
I love how that's like common knowledge now.

Speaker 1 People already fucking realize you want high ground in a stadium fight.

Speaker 1 People underestimate, though, if you can grab the jersey, all you got to do is fall back, and that dude's coming with you.

Speaker 1 And the great thing is, is the backs of the seats are going to be mid-shin.

Speaker 1 So it's going to be an awkward fall.

Speaker 1 If you play your cards right,

Speaker 1 his left ear or right ear and the side of his head is going to hit the row just behind you if you play your cards right. Um, that right there is upper deck jiu-jitsu.

Speaker 1 Um, I'm kidding. I've never had a fight in a football stadium.
I never would. There's no fucking way.
There is no fucking, I, I never, it was never worth it.

Speaker 1 I'm not fighting some fucking drunk that looks like he bought half the fucking pro shop

Speaker 1 to fight this idiot because he doesn't like his dad.

Speaker 1 um yeah whatever whatever the fuck you want to say I don't give a shit yeah okay that's right I'm a bitch I got it fantastic all right you go live your fucking awful life and I'm gonna get back to my great life all right there we go okay that's it and there was a life lesson in there started with the beach ended in the upper deck you know hey you do the math you know like when people can't explain their own opinions they just say that

Speaker 1 You know, and if you can't figure that out, then I can't help you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, bright lights. Why not? Why not?

Speaker 2 Bright lights.

Speaker 1 Yeah, have them on the whole fucking way, you dumb cunt. That's what the fucking blue light in your dash is for.

Speaker 1 Anyway, all right, that is the podcast. Have a great weekend, you can't, and I'll see you on Monday.

Speaker 2 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 3rd, 2017. What's going on?

Speaker 1 How are you?

Speaker 2 How's it going?

Speaker 2 Oh, Jesus. What to talk about first? No, I am not a father.
That's not why this is fucking late. All right.
I just lost all my female listeners. I was at the Rose Bowl yesterday.

Speaker 2 That's why I did not record. Okay.
I watched a a bunch of college football this weekend.

Speaker 1 And the football Michigan's got it. Right?

Speaker 2 I watched a bunch of

Speaker 2 college football, got into this huge debate with Jason Lawhead before the Ohio State game going, dude, I still don't get how the fuck you guys are in the playoff and Penn State isn't.

Speaker 2 You know, you guys lost to Penn State head to head and Penn State won your conference championship.

Speaker 2 That would be like if the Yankees won the American League East and the Red Sox won the wild card, and then the Red Sox got to compete in the playoffs to possibly win a World Series, and then the Yankees didn't.

Speaker 2 That makes no fucking sense whatsoever. And he starts going, Well, I'll tell you right now,

Speaker 2 we had three of the most impressive road wins of any team, but blah, blah, blah. Just all of this shit.
And I just kept going, you bleed scarlet and gray.

Speaker 2 If this was happening to your team, you would say it was bullshit. And he said, no, I wouldn't.
I'd be asking why Washington, the Washington Huskies were in it.

Speaker 2 Like, he would have no problem with the team that his team beat and won the fucking game. I mean, give me a fucking break, right? And then what happens? What happens?

Speaker 2 Ohio State goes out and plays Clemson, and they go out and proceed to get their asses whipped

Speaker 2 by a bunch of goddamn nerds.

Speaker 1 Nerds!

Speaker 2 31 to nothing.

Speaker 2 Clemson just fucking completely dominated them. And in the end, Lawhead sends me this fucking text.
He said, I can see blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 2 And then I just sent him a picture of Joe Paterno shrugging and said, I didn't see nothing.

Speaker 2 Maybe that's what part of it is. Maybe that's why they still don't want Penn State to be in there, you know, because at the end of the fucking day,

Speaker 2 the end of the day, this guy kind of fucking, you know.

Speaker 2 There was a lot of shit going on in the shower there, and the guy, he fucking didn't say nothing.

Speaker 2 That was so weird about being at the game because I was rooting for Penn State yesterday at the amazing, amazing fucking game by both teams.

Speaker 2 The quarterbacks, they both set like tied or set a zillion fucking records. It was the highest scoring Rose Bowl in history.

Speaker 2 At one point, both quarterbacks had four touchdown passes, which I don't think, I think that tied a record or I can't remember. And then one, the red-headed kid there threw his fifth.

Speaker 2 I think he was red. I don't know.
I was fucking sitting way up there.

Speaker 2 He threw his fifth touchdown. So

Speaker 2 final score was, what was it, 52 to 49. The over-under was 53.5.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 2 Penn State scored 28 points in the third quarter. It was just a fucking amazing game.

Speaker 2 And two things bugged me when I watched, when I was there, though, of course, there's always something that bugs me. Okay, number one.

Speaker 2 The fucking at one point they were showing all like the coaches or one of the Rosebow whatever and Joe Paterno goes up there and this is he gets a bigger ovation than anybody else

Speaker 1 bigger ovation than anybody else how important are sports

Speaker 2 how important is fucking winning a fucking game to these Penn State people evidently that's more important

Speaker 2 than if you look the other way is some poor kid in a fucking shot I mean it's just fucking it's it's unspeakable All right, I just fucking I'm stepping away from that fucking program.

Speaker 2 I've always liked them You know, I was still kind of rooting for them. I was like, well, you know, these kids here in the field, they didn't fucking do it.

Speaker 2 These other people are, they're innocent of all of it. And then they show, you know,

Speaker 2 they show the Fuhrer up on the fucking. Yeah!

Speaker 2 Woo!

Speaker 1 I'm just like, all right, fuck these people, right?

Speaker 2 But then USC and their fans,

Speaker 2 you know, USC fans are the classic, you know, all-day YOLO douches. You know what I mean? It's just so fucking hard to root for despite the fact you know

Speaker 2 OJ Marcus Allen OJ pre-murders

Speaker 2 like if they put OJ up on the screen you know I wouldn't have fucking well probably I would have just to be a cunt all right I'm a Penn State fan again I don't know what the fuck I don't what what are you doing that situation

Speaker 2 anyways

Speaker 2 So Penn State,

Speaker 2 USC, it looks looking like they're going to win the game. Okay, and then Penn State comes roaring back in the third quarter, which, by the way, took like an hour and like 10 minutes.

Speaker 2 It was the longest quarter of my life. The TV timeouts were fucking ridiculous in that game.
I actually said to my buddy, I was just like, dude, you know what?

Speaker 2 This is the most boring, exciting game I've ever been to in my life.

Speaker 2 It was like if you were watching Goodfellas, and every fucking three seconds, somebody just hit pause on it for two minutes that felt like 10 minutes. Fucking referees standing around.

Speaker 2 They fucking reviewed everything. Everything but the fucking coin toss they reviewed.

Speaker 2 That game was like four hours, well over four hours long.

Speaker 2 So, anyways, Penn State comes roaring back. Fucking USC fans, few of them left, most of them stayed.
And anyways, long story short, they ended up coming, you know, they were down by like,

Speaker 2 I can't even remember, it was like 2714.

Speaker 2 Then next thing you know, it's 35-27.

Speaker 2 Then I think it was 35-35,

Speaker 2 it was 35-27, Penn State, then 35-35,

Speaker 2 then 42-whatever, 35, then 49-35. And that's right, then Penn State, I mean, USC came back and scored two touchdowns, right? And when they tied it,

Speaker 2 the fucking USC players, just the way they act their program is the fucking worst.

Speaker 2 They're like the type of program I can't stand. Like, do you remember the first game of the year when they played Alabama?

Speaker 2 And when they were coming out of the tunnel, there's a bunch of them acting like they were these crazed dogs at the end of leashes, and they were lunging forward but somebody's pulling them back oh you guys oh you wait to see what the's gonna happen here and then they go out there and proceed to get their asses whipped

Speaker 2 by a bunch of goddamn rednecks red fucking

Speaker 2 Alabama kicked a shit it was like 52 to go fuck yourself whatever the final score is and then after all that fucking shit then they just go good game good game they just scurry off the fucking field right

Speaker 2 and then yesterday you see when they win, right? They win. Like, first of all, when they, they,

Speaker 2 they tied the game up,

Speaker 2 you know, and I would say on some ticky-tack fucking pass interference calls, but like, USC was getting fucking screwed earlier. They had a couple bullshit.

Speaker 2 It was just sort of, ah, we fucked you guys twice, and then

Speaker 2 we'll fuck the other guys twice, okay? We'll balance it out here somehow.

Speaker 2 A couple pass interference things.

Speaker 2 So when they scored the touchdown to tie it up with like a fucking minute left or something, dude, all the scoring that Penn State did, I mean, they jumped up and down. That was it.

Speaker 2 Dude, fucking USC, the guy, they score in one end zone. This guy with no helmet on runs down the sideline to the entire other end zone like,

Speaker 2 doing that 300 yelp.

Speaker 1 Like he fucking scored.

Speaker 2 Even then, I would have been like, dude, relax. It's a fucking tie game.

Speaker 2 All jumping up and down, all up on the benches with their fucking jerseys, spinning them around over their fucking heads, and it's a tie fucking game. And then, in the end, right?

Speaker 2 By the way, Penn State totally played fucking Marty Schottenheimer ball, Marty ball.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, like every time they had a first down, towards the end, they just ran the first play, was run it right up the middle, right near your center's fucking ass for

Speaker 2 no yards. Well, we're burning out.

Speaker 2 We're taking time off the clock. They were doing that shit.

Speaker 2 I'm actually convinced that the pre-vent defense, by the way, is actually a

Speaker 2 scam

Speaker 2 that was come up with by the heads of the leagues that is executed by the coaches to make sure every fucking as many games as humanly possible can come down to the wire so people will continue to watch that fucking thing once again did not work I can't even begin to tell you they just you're just gonna give them the first fucking 80 yards then you're gonna play defense and hope that you hold them to a field goal That's a philosophy and they will just we'll take away the sidelines give the middle of the field Everybody knows how it fucking works and all it does is ensure that on the final fucking three, four plays, the other team now has a chance to win.

Speaker 2 You've been playing defense, you've been shutting them down, you've been throwing the fucking ball, you've been kicking their ass, and then all of a sudden, hand up off the middle every fucking time.

Speaker 2 I don't know, drove me up the fucking wall. So then when USC finally wins it, right?

Speaker 2 After letting up 49 fucking points, And then they score 52, the second they win it, the entire team runs down the field, not towards the field goal kicker to celebrate, who, by the way, was doing that stupid dap thing, the entire fucking thing, trying to get like a sneaker deal.

Speaker 2 Like, what kind of kicker gets a sneaker deal? They get like half a deal. They just get it for their kicking foot.
Then the other thing, they give them like a fucking sandal.

Speaker 2 So they don't even go out and celebrate. with the fucking kid who kicked the field goal.
They just run right down at Penn State's band and the whole fan section and just

Speaker 2 screamed all in their faces. And what's fucking hilarious is that game obviously could have gone either way.
And if they didn't win, they would have been like, oh, hey, good game.

Speaker 2 Good game, good game. Penn State wouldn't have done that.
It was just a completely classless fucking move. But that's how they are.

Speaker 2 You know, it's one of those schools where it's like, well, the coach just doesn't take any responsibility. It's just like, well,

Speaker 2 the

Speaker 2 kids are this, it's a very emotional team. And they like to express themselves.
And I'm just, yeah, yeah, when they win. When they win, when they don't, they fucking scamper off the field.

Speaker 2 It's like that Richard Sherman guy. Whenever the Seattle wins, you mad? You mad, bro? You mad? Right? And then all of a sudden, he loses.
He tries to be Mr. Fuck.
He tries to be the mayor.

Speaker 2 Hey, good game, Tom Brady. Good game.
And everybody's like, that showed class. No, it didn't.
Anybody can be classy when you fucking lose. You can't talk shit.
You lost.

Speaker 2 The class act is when you win and you're not a cunt about it.

Speaker 2 But, anyways, having said that, it was a fucking amazing, amazing game. Great comeback by USC.

Speaker 2 and uh as as much as it came down to the wire and there was all those points scored i have to be honest with you i i if i could have fast forwarded through the last 45 minutes of the fuck that's how long the fucking game was and how long these fucking tv timeouts were i can't imagine how much fucking money they made the game started at 115 and it wasn't over until like uh

Speaker 2 I want to say like 5.45, 5.40.

Speaker 2 It was just way too fucked. It was over four hours long.
It was like a fucking baseball game. It's like this is this is what happened to the national pastime.

Speaker 2 Bill, you know what was almost as long as you bitching about the fucking game.

Speaker 2 Anyways, so we went to the tailgate and

Speaker 2 I brought that

Speaker 2 flat top grill that I got, the campfire one. This is not a paid advertisement.
The fucking thing was unbelievable. It was unfucking believable.

Speaker 2 Lawhead was, Lawhead didn't want to go to the game. He was having so much fun.
He cooked so much shit.

Speaker 2 We had so much fucking food. We had too much food.

Speaker 2 And that's why I felt like I got hit by a truck because I ate so fucking much. And

Speaker 2 we made these hash browns. He made this crazy egg sandwich.
Then we had chicken wings. Then we had fucking steak and cheese.

Speaker 2 Then we still had burgers and dogs that we were going to try to do at the end of the game, but I was just too fucking full.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 2 Lawhead was fucking hilarious, man. He was so excited to cook, right? I'm back in the truck, and he's outside of it, and this guy comes walking by, and you know when they sell those ticket holders?

Speaker 2 I always get one, right?

Speaker 2 And he goes, hey, ticket hold, your ticket. I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, let me get four.

Speaker 2 So these guys sort of walking up to the truck and I'm not doing a good job backing it in because the grill's blocking my view. I'm trying to look around.
I don't want to fuck this thing up.

Speaker 2 And so I had to make a couple attempts. And rather than blaming it on me, Jay starts yelling at the ticket guy because, hey, buddy,

Speaker 1 can you get out of the way and let the kid fucking park you?

Speaker 2 And I just hear the guy going, hey, bro, you got to relax. And Jay just starts fucking jawing at him like he's fucking arguing with a call.

Speaker 1 And I just yelled out, automatically, I said, Jay, will you shut the fuck up?

Speaker 2 And I go, dude, I'm sorry. Sorry about that guy.
You know, he's a little wound up, right?

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 we fucking buy the ticket holder things. The guy leaves.
And then Jay's setting up his fucking,

Speaker 2 his little canopy thing. And he's just fucking, he's just locked in.
You know.

Speaker 2 Jay's a fucking athlete, so he just fucking gets, he's got that focus, right?

Speaker 2 And as he's setting the thing up, like these four people, we've we've barely even established our space, are just passing through.

Speaker 2 And then Jay immediately is like, damn, what you just walk through the whole area.

Speaker 1 Just walk through the whole area. He's like, freaking the fuck out.

Speaker 2 I said to him later, I said, Jesus Christ, Jay, I go, you fucking dropped the gloves before the game even started. What the fuck was with you? And he's like, not out of it, guys.

Speaker 1 That guy's walking right into your tire.

Speaker 2 He's walking into your tire. People coming through the whole fucking camp.
And I just started laughing. I was like, Jay, you're excited to cook.
You're excited to cook. You got a little excited.

Speaker 2 And then he finally just, fuck it, just relax and goes, all right, I got excited.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't know.

Speaker 2 We had a great fucking time. And

Speaker 2 I don't know. I still nodded off a little bit in the first quarter.

Speaker 2 I can't get to sleep after all these years of doing stand-up until like fucking

Speaker 2 12 midnight and getting up, you know, four hours later. I'm an old, I really felt my age this year, man.

Speaker 2 Speaking of which, there was someone at the tailgate, I'm not going to say who, who was fucking slumped over the truck because they had to go to the bathroom and couldn't.

Speaker 2 So we're like, dude, we got to take you to the hospital. We got to take you to the hospital.
No, I'm fine.

Speaker 1 I'm fine. I'm fine.

Speaker 2 Fucking ends up coming back like 20 minutes later. Dude, I feel great.
Because

Speaker 2 I think he passed a fucking kidney stone or some, I don't know what the fuck it was.

Speaker 1 I don't know what to tell you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so we almost had a fatality.

Speaker 2 Lyad almost got a gay misconduct.

Speaker 2 Oh, that was the bullshit one on USC, that fucking targeting.

Speaker 2 That was a, I don't know. Guy jumps in the air.

Speaker 2 He's aiming for his chest, and somebody else hits him, and then all of a sudden, the guy gets knocked down where his chest, his head is now where his chest was, and the guy was already in the air.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 2 Does anybody give a fuck? All right,

Speaker 2 I will plow ahead here.

Speaker 2 I also watched the UFC.

Speaker 2 I know this is like an old story at this point, but,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 like everybody else, I watched the Amanda Nunez and the Ronda Rousey, Rowdy Ronda Rousey fight. And yeah, that was tough to watch.
That was definitely tough to watch. And

Speaker 2 it was even tougher to watch all the fucking shit-talking assholes on Twitter and all the memes. And all.
Oh, I fucking, you know, I've taken naps longer than that.

Speaker 2 They went to get a drink and then it was fucking over. And it's just like, like, all of these people have

Speaker 2 fought and competed and won in the octagon and they have the right to talk shit like that. It's just,

Speaker 2 I don't know why people do stuff like that. You know, that happens to every champion.

Speaker 2 If they stick around, eventually somebody younger is going to, you're the champ. Everybody's breaking down what the fuck it is you do over and over and over and over again.

Speaker 2 And then eventually you get run down. It happens to everybody.
If it could happen to Muhammad Ali,

Speaker 2 Sugar Ray Leonard, Marvin Hagler, all these fucking guys, their last fight, I saw him lose.

Speaker 2 Roy Jones Jr.,

Speaker 2 Matt Hughes, George St. Pierre, right? I think George St.
Pierre might have won his last one, but he was all beat up and everything, but

Speaker 2 and said he didn't remember part of the fight. So that's what happens to everybody.
So, of course, I text this to my buddy. He goes, well, not Rocky or fucking Mayweather, meaning Rocky Marciano.

Speaker 2 And it's just like, dude, all right. Rocky Marciano, absolutely.
But like Mayweather, I don't know. Mayweather owes me like 300 bucks in pay-per-view.

Speaker 2 Think about that guy, all right? I'm really going out on a limb here because I don't watch that much boxing.

Speaker 2 I think one, obviously, one of the greatest fighters of all fucking time, but like he's just

Speaker 2 also understood that final third of his career, I feel, better than anybody else. How to still continue fighting and not take that big fucking knockdown.

Speaker 2 Part of it, or a lot of part, was his amazing defense, but the other is the fucking opponents that he picked. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 That fucking Pacquiao fight should have happened at least eight years before. I was on his side where I was like, yeah, maybe he's on drugs.

Speaker 2 He probably, I don't know, maybe he is, maybe he fucking isn't. But

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Boxing isn't the way it was.

Speaker 2 Somewhere in the 80s, it died. Like.

Speaker 2 That Hagler Hearns Duran Leonard. They all lost and they all fucking lost to each other and shit.

Speaker 2 It's just like you had unbelievable fighters, four unbelievable fighters, and they all fought each other. It's impossible to stay undefeated.
But,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 when you fucking, you know, it'd be like if fucking Ali finally fought Joe Frazier in like 1981.

Speaker 2 And like one of Ali's last fights, I think, was against Larry Holmes, who then was the fucking champ for like the next four years or whatever.

Speaker 2 His rule until I think Tyson came along, or maybe there was one guy in between. I can't remember.
It's been so long ago. Hagler's last loss was to Sugar Ray Leonard.

Speaker 2 I mean, these guys fought champions right up until the end of their career, as opposed to, you know, fighting some guy from England with weight issues. You know, that one.

Speaker 2 Ricky Hatton. I saw that fight.
I don't like talking shit about fighters either because, you know,

Speaker 2 they can all beat the fuck out of me. I'm just saying that, you know,

Speaker 2 I think it's going to hurt Mayweather, the level of guy that he fought in the final third of his career.

Speaker 2 Because I know for one, I just, you know, he'd watch his fucking fights. The other guy couldn't hit him.
Mayweather couldn't knock him out.

Speaker 2 And he just kind of poo-poo, poo-poo-poo-poo the whole fucking fight with his those white kitten gloves.

Speaker 1 I'm just like, this is fucking boring as shit.

Speaker 2 Fighting not to lose. Playing not.
Playing not to lose, like Penn State. Like Penn State did in the fourth fucking quarter.

Speaker 2 So that's, I don't, that's my own dumb opinion.

Speaker 2 I don't know shit about fighting. But all I know is you're a fucking asshole if you go on Twitter and you start trashing somebody because they

Speaker 2 because they got knocked out, like they're a pussy or you were overrated or any of that type of shit. I mean, some of you probably say I just did that to Mayweather.
I'm not.

Speaker 2 I'm saying he's one of the greatest of all time. I would never say that the guy's a pussy or anything like that.
I would have just liked to watch him fight a better caliber fighter.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 2 You know what I I mean? I like that Mayweather-Pacquiao fight, that should have fucking happened in what, 05, 06,

Speaker 2 something like that.

Speaker 2 Bill, shut the fuck up. All right, I'll shut the fuck up.
Anyways,

Speaker 2 you know what it really is? Is that Versey fucking said that Mayweather would have fucking beat Hagler Hearns Leonard Durand? Like he would have fucking beat all of them.

Speaker 2 It's like he would have beat all of them.

Speaker 2 All of them couldn't beat all of each other. You know?

Speaker 2 I don't know what he's basing it on.

Speaker 2 You know what he's basing it on he's basing it on being born in the late 70s. I just you know, I'm just an old fucking crabby man.
Um speaking of which

Speaker 2 You know, I've I've been working on my anger

Speaker 2 I got in the car today to return the pickup truck and I

Speaker 2 I Fucking I don't know I made it down the street and around the block before I got into an argument with this fucking woman who just glided through her stop sign in her white Mercedes-Benz.

Speaker 2 I got a fucking, I gotta think, anybody who's got a white Mercedes, a white,

Speaker 2 people white cars, man.

Speaker 2 High-end white cars are fucking

Speaker 2 entitled cunts. I don't like them.
You know what I mean? They think the cars are classy, right? I always give Versey shit like Verzi loves a white car.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 They just think it's the classiest fucking thing ever. Mercedes and BMW, they've really fallen the fuck off.
You know what I mean? They just went right down to the bottom feeders.

Speaker 2 Anybody with like who can afford 60 bucks a month can lease one of those cars now.

Speaker 2 I'm telling you, when I used to see a Mercedes drive down the street, he used to be some fucking guy like in his 50s who was wealthy. Or if a BMW, even then, that was like more like the yuppie guy.

Speaker 2 Like, I'm not having fucking kids and I'll pour shit in the drinking water just to make another buck, you know? Cook the fucking stock market. Banker psycho, right?

Speaker 2 We were just having rough sex, you know, that fucking lunatic.

Speaker 2 Now it's shit. It's like, it's like fucking 21-year-old kids.

Speaker 2 I think this podcast should just be like some sort of theme of like things aren't the way they used to be. And I'm fucking upset about it.

Speaker 2 You know what it is?

Speaker 1 I didn't have a good breakfast today.

Speaker 2 And at my age, that's not a good thing. You know, I woke up and we didn't have any fucking

Speaker 2 real food. The fucking

Speaker 2 my frying pan was underneath all the dirty shit from the fucking rose bowl that's in the sink. It's like, I'm not going to fry up a fucking egg.

Speaker 2 And Nia has one of those fucking little kids cereals in there. And I was just like, all right, I'll fucking eat this shit.
And

Speaker 2 I already had the fucking sugar high, and now I'm starting to crash. So

Speaker 2 I'm being a little harsh on the millennials, you know, and Floyd Mayweather and people who drive white cars.

Speaker 2 I can admit that. In 2017, I can admit that.

Speaker 1 This is the new me,

Speaker 2 the new bill. I meditate now.

Speaker 2 And by saying I meditate means I tried it once last week.

Speaker 2 And I plan on doing it twice a day, but I've only done it once so far.

Speaker 2 But I've been thinking about doing it, you know?

Speaker 2 And people have been sending me shit about trying to get over my fucking anger issues. And

Speaker 2 yeah, that lady like glided through the stop sign and I just stopped. I said, you got a stop sign right there.
And she goes, you got one over there. And I go, that's not it.
It's the other one.

Speaker 2 It's just like

Speaker 2 you're just a fucking, another douche in a white Mercedes. I swear to God.

Speaker 2 Do you think if they stopped making that car, people would drive better? There's something about people when they're getting a white Mercedes, a white fucking car, like, you know,

Speaker 2 that cost a certain amount of money. That's it.

Speaker 2 Look, I'm getting upset again. Just relax, Bill.
Take a fucking breath.

Speaker 2 You know, go outside. Look at the birds.
Whatever the hell it is you're supposed to do. You know, somebody sent me this.
I should play it now. Somebody sent me this fucking video on

Speaker 2 how to get over my anger.

Speaker 2 And at the risk of sounding like a hack comedian, it actually didn't make me angry. It fucking upset me, though.

Speaker 2 It really did. Let me see this here.
See if I can click on this fucking thing again. Oh, how not to be angry all the time.
I wonder if I can play this and not get in fucking trouble by some

Speaker 2 podcasting entity here. See if I can turn this fucking thing up here.

Speaker 2 So I look at this thing, right? It's a cartoon. So immediately it's on my intellect level, right? Here it is.
This is what they're trying to say to me. I'll try to play this here, my minimal fucking

Speaker 1 abilities here.

Speaker 2 Oh, for God's sake. So you're going to play it here or what?

Speaker 2 I hit play.

Speaker 2 I refuse to get fucking angry during this point. Why won't this thing play? Oh, I know, because I'm in this room.
I'm in this room, so the fucking, the internet doesn't work.

Speaker 2 Oh, there's a little spin wheel. It's gradually spinning around.
What's going to happen? All I want to do is play this fucking, all I want to do is

Speaker 2 I just want to play this fucking video.

Speaker 1 How does it know?

Speaker 2 How does the universe know when you're trying to fucking do something?

Speaker 2 All right. You know what? Fuck it.
I'm not playing it. Hey, look at that.
I'm not angry anymore because I just gave in. Because that's basically what this fucking video told you to do.

Speaker 2 It was talking about so-and-so.

Speaker 2 This is the name of the video. It says, How not to be angry all the time.

Speaker 2 And I would love to read the fucking comments on this thing, right? It says, How not to be angry all the time. And it shows this guy.
It's like William or whatever.

Speaker 2 I think the guy's actually name was Bill. I can't remember.
You know, he likes to read the newspaper, and he tells his wife not to interrupt him while he's doing that.

Speaker 2 And then it goes, his wife finds this very upsetting. So one time he's reading the newspaper and she says, hey, when are are you going to, you know, set the table? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 2 And William flips out. He gets angry.
And it says, William gets angry because he has hope.

Speaker 2 It was talking about how angry people, as much as they come off as they're negative, they're actually really positive people. It was basically saying that they have hope.

Speaker 2 So they present all these different scenarios. And they're like in each one of these, oh, you know, he goes to the airport and his plane is delayed.
He's one of the premier fucking flyers.

Speaker 2 He gets mad. He goes up.
He flips. He screams at the fucking lady behind the counter because he is hopeful.
And it was basically saying that he needed to be a little more pessimistic.

Speaker 2 Oh, here's the video. Here's the video.
It's basically saying you needed to be a negative cunt.

Speaker 2 Here we go.

Speaker 2 Why is it so fucking quiet?

Speaker 2 A gruff surface. They truly are, much to their cost.
You know what? I can't deal with this fucking guy's accent.

Speaker 1 I can't deal with it.

Speaker 2 Oh, I know. I had the fucking microphone turned around.
There we go.

Speaker 1 Gloomy people, they actually are.

Speaker 1 Alright, hold on one second.

Speaker 1 Angry people sound like gloomy types.

Speaker 2 We certainly don't usually think of them as optimists.

Speaker 1 And yet, beneath their gruff surface, they truly are.

Speaker 2 Much to their cost. I can't fucking.
Oh my god, I can't fucking listen to it.

Speaker 1 Can he why does does he gotta fucking over annunce everything?

Speaker 2 Annunciate everything. Gloomy people, they're actually positive people under the

Speaker 2 yeah, so basically he goes through all of this fucking shit, right?

Speaker 2 And he says,

Speaker 2 to be

Speaker 2 more positive is what you have to do, is you have to accept

Speaker 2 the world, that the world is actually a very dark, gloomy place.

Speaker 2 And most things fail.

Speaker 2 And most, basically, most dreams don't come true

Speaker 2 and You know be more of like a realist and like people who you know people get upset people who aren't angry people get upset

Speaker 2 When something happens, but they get over it way quicker and they don't get nearly as mad and It's basically because I guess they're walking around going like oh, yeah, why wouldn't this person in this white Mercedes blow through the stop sign?

Speaker 2 Of course they do

Speaker 2 I guess this part of me that I understand that

Speaker 2 Like, I flip out about the moron drivers out here, and I literally say to myself

Speaker 2 out loud after I flip out in the car, going, like, yes, Bill, you have established that people out here suck at driving. When are you going to stop reacting to it?

Speaker 2 And,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 I don't think ever.

Speaker 2 I don't think it's because I'm like an optimist.

Speaker 2 I don't have, I'm not hopeful

Speaker 2 that someone fucking,

Speaker 2 you know, if they're going to make a left,

Speaker 2 that they'll get all the way over to the left instead of sitting in the middle of the lane.

Speaker 2 And now I have to fucking wait where if you just were over by the double yellow line, I could have gone around you.

Speaker 2 You fucking cunt. I'm not like hopeful that they're going to do that.

Speaker 2 I don't have like hope that they're going to do it. I just can't understand why you wouldn't.
Because I know that person has been sitting behind somebody doing that.

Speaker 2 It's like when you're in a long line at fucking fucking whatever, and it's moving slow, and everybody's yammering with the person on the other side of the fucking desk.

Speaker 2 It's like, just get up there, say what you want, and shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 How hard is that?

Speaker 2 And there'll be a person in front of you looking at you, rolling their eyes like, I can't believe how long this takes. And then they get up there, and what do they do?

Speaker 2 I'll tell you, it's a great day out there, isn't it? And they just fucking launch into all of this shit that has nothing to do with what you're doing.

Speaker 2 And it just fucking adds time.

Speaker 2 So I'm not, I don't have any hope that people are gonna.

Speaker 2 Maybe, do I have hope? You know, I guess I would hope you'd be a fucking, not a moron, and figure out why this seems to be taking way longer than it should.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't think it's because I have hope. I think the reason why I get fucking angry is because that is my default emotion.
I think that that's what it is.

Speaker 2 You know, I came from one of of those families like, I say, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 You sit there and take it, right?

Speaker 2 One of those things, which, you know, if you're not allowed to express yourself, you immediately feel like you're not going to get what you want in life. And I think that that's what it is.

Speaker 2 I think that's why I flip out. You know, I flip out because of that.
Like, you know, if something starts to go away, I don't want it to go.

Speaker 2 No one's going to listen to me. And I don't have any fucking options other than to just sit there and fucking take it.
So

Speaker 2 I think that's what it is. I don't think it's because I'm hopeful.

Speaker 1 I get maybe a little bit.

Speaker 2 Maybe I'm such an angry cunt, I can't say that there's some truth in this video. But I don't think the solution is

Speaker 2 to just walk around,

Speaker 2 you know, just accepting that people are the way that they are.

Speaker 2 You know, that'd be like if you're coaching a team, it'd be like, yeah, you know what, we're eight and eight. Yeah, we're just eight and eight.
Next year.

Speaker 2 You know, I will probably be eight and eight again because

Speaker 2 I've accepted that this is the way things are um

Speaker 2 i know a lot of positive driven people and they're not angry people so i don't think being positive is part of that i think it's i think it's just how my fucking wires my mental wires have been soldered together i think i probably came into the world

Speaker 2 i don't know can you come into the world angry

Speaker 2 i don't know i don't think you can i don't think you're born that fucking way i have no fucking idea but i don't know about this video where i gotta now just i just the solution is just to be like yeah well you know people out here when they make laughs that's how they're gonna do it

Speaker 2 i mean i guess if you just do that then you don't get angry because all these years of me getting angry

Speaker 2 has not made people stop doing that it never made the person in front of me go like oh i'm sorry let me get over

Speaker 2 They just sort of look at me weird as I as I drive by yelling at them, looking at me like what the fuck is he yelling at me? Am I doing something? I have no idea.

Speaker 1 I have a white car.

Speaker 2 How could I possibly be in the wrong?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I have no idea.
I think,

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't know what my deal is, but I plan on getting to the bottom, at least understand it.
But I don't think a three-minute fucking YouTube video.

Speaker 2 With some guy with his fucking, you know, I think in the United States we like getting like people with English accents to to fucking narrate shit because then it just sounds like it's true or smart, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Which is why I think all these English guys and Scottish guys have done well.

Speaker 2 Maybe it's just women like fucking that accent or just like a different foreign accent. I don't know.

Speaker 2 Like these talk show people, you know, for some reason that slot that used to be after David Letterman, you have to get an English or a Scottish guy.

Speaker 2 Like that's become like that time slot. Like an American accented guy cannot do well.

Speaker 1 And that

Speaker 2 is the Great Britain accent

Speaker 2 time slot.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 But all I know is

Speaker 2 I can't listen to this again.

Speaker 1 He is often furious.

Speaker 2 He's been married to his wife. He's often furious.
He sounds like he's in that fucking clockwork orange.

Speaker 2 But I am often furious. His name was Fred.

Speaker 2 I knew it was one of my names, right?

Speaker 2 All right, what am I doing here?

Speaker 2 Let's read some fucking advertising here. 34 fucking minutes into this podcast, and

Speaker 2 I don't think I'm even remotely a better person. What about you guys?

Speaker 2 All right. Oh, it's our friends here.

Speaker 2 No, wait, let's stay on this point here. Maybe that's what I should do.
I'm going to try that today. I'm going to just try walking around, and what I'm going to do is have my eyebrows up a little bit.

Speaker 2 I'm going to do that thing that people do, you know, where they make their lips disappear. Their mouth looks like it's closed, but their lips disappear.
You know, like, hmm.

Speaker 2 I'm just going to do that. Walking around, like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Of course, this thing that should take 90 seconds, of course, now it's going to take six minutes.

Speaker 2 Yep, okay.

Speaker 2 Take my car over to the dealership to get the brake light done. I mean, I know that I could change out a brake light, but of course, you've have the screws.

Speaker 2 They're inside the car behind a plastic thing. And I know when I go to take that thing thing off, that the head on the screw is going to be something I've never seen before.

Speaker 2 And requests and requires a special screwdriver that I could go down or maybe order on Amazon. You know, and of course, they won't just sell me the one.
I'll have to buy the whole set.

Speaker 2 And then I'll be like, well, I guess I can pay fucking $35 for a new set of screwdrivers and hope I don't get a ticket over the next few fucking days.

Speaker 2 Or I could just drive down to the fucking dealership and just pay $180 bucks for a fucking light. Look at Murray, get mad again.

Speaker 2 I'm just going to go down to the dealership and just say, yes, I have something that I could totally repair on my car if you guys hadn't put those alien screws in there.

Speaker 2 Excuse me, could I have the screwdriver that I need to undo those four screws?

Speaker 2 Could I have that please?

Speaker 2 And could I then find the corporate guy right as he's he's getting on his jet who came up with this idea and could I please just I don't know just sort of stick it into the side of his neck I think that would be nice how does that work if I say angry shit but I say it in a pleasant way

Speaker 2 ma'am is there a reason why you're so not focused as you work this cash register

Speaker 2 is there a reason why you feel that you're above a job that you stink at? How does that work?

Speaker 2 Shouldn't you be so so good at this job that I'm actually sitting there thinking to myself, why are you working here? You're way beyond this.

Speaker 2 Why are you standing here reinforcing that you're not even good enough to do this job because you think you're better than another job?

Speaker 2 Is there any way you could open that cash register door and I could grab you by your ponytail, shove your head into the drawer, and then see how far I could close it with your head in it?

Speaker 2 Is there a way I could do that?

Speaker 2 Sorry, guys. You just have have to rehearse everything that I'm going to go through today.

Speaker 2 Oh, hello, Staples. No,

Speaker 2 you cannot have my phone number. I mean, I'll give you a phone number

Speaker 2 and I will give you an alternate phone number. Yes, I will.
None of these will be true.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 I'll give you a.

Speaker 2 You know, my fake email addresses that I give? It's you know it at aol.com.

Speaker 2 You gotta have a fake one.

Speaker 2 You know it at AOL.com.

Speaker 2 That's my fake one. And that is a reference to Will Farrell in old school, Frank the Tank.
When they're going, Frank the Tank.

Speaker 1 Frank is going, you know it.

Speaker 1 You know it.

Speaker 2 The fake phone number I give out is a series of area codes followed by the number of five.

Speaker 2 They'll be like,

Speaker 2 what's your phone number? It's like 323-212-8185.

Speaker 2 That's what I do. But they start to look at you after two area coats.
You know, when you go like 310, 212,

Speaker 2 you get that little puppy look, the little cock of the head. And then rather than saying 818, because they're going to know, I go 81,

Speaker 2 85.

Speaker 2 So I still get it in there.

Speaker 2 Fake name I go with all the time, Russell.

Speaker 2 Russell, whenever I just need a first name, what's your name? Hey, what's your name? Russell. Russell, what can I do for you today? Well,

Speaker 2 you can start by not asking me personal questions.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 2 That's what you can do. And you can get some loafers that fit your fucking feet.
How about that? All right, there, tight shoes.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 I don't know what to tell you. Oh, by the way,

Speaker 2 I got some video,

Speaker 2 my old buddy Cleo,

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 she seems happy as hell. And this is unprecedented.
This person that I gave my dog to is a dog trainer. And

Speaker 2 at like the fucking dog whisperer level, which is what my dog needed. And he sent me video of something I've never seen before.

Speaker 2 My dog came in and wanted to play with another dog, which my dog never did. My dog tried to kill other dogs.
My dog tried to kill another dog when my dog was with the trainer that now has it.

Speaker 2 He's slowly been working with this fucking thing. and

Speaker 2 it was amazing. And the trainer said, you know, within a week to 10 days, they will probably be just like best of friends sleeping together in the sun.

Speaker 2 So that made me feel good because I think she's actually happier

Speaker 2 in that environment than she was with me. Even though, you know, I miss her to death or what, but that made me feel good.
So there you go.

Speaker 2 There you go. I'll tell you, that fucking dog has had an amazing life.

Speaker 2 An amazing life. Like,

Speaker 2 literally, it should have been over like three different times, and it always survives, and its life has gotten progressively better. So,

Speaker 2 that made me feel good

Speaker 2 as much as I missed the thing.

Speaker 2 That's cool. It's got a friend.

Speaker 1 And I got nobody.

Speaker 2 All right. Oh, here we go.
Let's read a little advertising here. Oh, zip.
I have no fucking idea what any of that is. I don't know what just happened there.

Speaker 2 The origins, like the first

Speaker 1 comic book?

Speaker 2 Do you need to explore the origins of teenage mutant ninja turtles?

Speaker 2 It's all on the internet. Superman, that goes back to the 30s.
There was no internet back then. The internet came out in the late 60s, right? When Al Gore was in his fucking dorm room, right?

Speaker 2 He was in there with Donald Trump and they both came up with it.

Speaker 2 They should both host a game show called What I Invented. You know, it's like to tell the truth and you got to guess, right? Just the two of them just sit there talking shit.

Speaker 2 You know, all right, I'm sorry. Dollar Shave Club, everybody.
Dollar Shave Club delivers amazing, affordable razors right to your front door every month so you can get a great shave.

Speaker 2 But razors aren't the only thing you need in the bathroom. What about all these shower stuff? Oh, yeah, kid.
You got to wash your undercarriage.

Speaker 2 You know, it's an old school thing. Instead of saying you need to shave, you know, those older guys, hey, you need, you need to take a shave.
Hey, why don't you take a shave?

Speaker 2 Take a shave like a shit?

Speaker 2 What are you saying there, fucking grandpa? All right, turns out Dollar Shave Club thought of that. Thought of what? Taking a shave? Oh, buying, uh, oh,

Speaker 2 shower shit. All right.
They just came out with a new line of shower products, shampoo and body wash, called The Wanderer.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm the type of guy who likes to wash his balls.

Speaker 2 The fragrances are unlike anything on the market. They're subtle.
and actually smell like real natural ingredients.

Speaker 2 There are a lot of body washes out there that make you smell like a teenager. This mint and cedarwood body wash is amazing.
It makes you smell incredible.

Speaker 2 How is that natural to walk around smelling like ice cream and like you just chop some lumber?

Speaker 2 That makes no fucking sense to me whatsoever. You know what I mean? I know mint and cedarwood exist in nature.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 2 You got to give it a try.

Speaker 2 Once you're in the club, you'll see the products work amazingly. The surface is world-class and you're going to smell like a hummingbird's taint.
There's no long-term commitments, no hidden fees, and

Speaker 2 you can cancel whenever you want. And best of all, they're giving you or giving away a one-month trial of any razor for a dollar with free shipping.
That's not really a giveaway.

Speaker 2 If you're giving it away, you're giving it away. You don't ask people for money.
After that, it's just a few bucks a month. Get your one-dollar trial at dollarshapeclub.com/slash burr.

Speaker 2 That's dollarshapeclub.com/slash burr. And lastly but not leastly, thank fucking God here, stamps,

Speaker 2 stamps.com.

Speaker 2 One great resolution you can make for the new year.

Speaker 2 Maximize every minute and every dollar for your small business. I know an easy way to do that.

Speaker 2 I'm gonna read this like a creepy cult leader, trying to get your money and gradually bring into the fold. I know an easy way to do that with stamps.com.

Speaker 2 Think about how much time you've wasted.

Speaker 2 How much time you've wasted going to the post office, driving there, finding parking, spending your own money on things that you want to spend it on.

Speaker 2 I think it's time you came into my compound and started spending your money on me because I am truly the Son of God.

Speaker 2 And not only that, stamps.com is the better way to get postage. Just use what you already have.

Speaker 2 You don't need to go because you're already there. Your computer and printer.

Speaker 2 Just use whatever you have. All right.

Speaker 2 Use your computer, your printer, get official U.S. postage for any letter or package.
Then the mailman picks it up.

Speaker 2 With Stamps.com, everything you do at the post office, you can do it right from your desk and at a fraction of the cost of one of those expensive postage meter.

Speaker 2 I use Stamps.coms whenever I'm sending out my posters. I'm a fucking moron.
If I can figure it out, so can you.

Speaker 2 So, right now, sign up for stamps.com and use my code BUR-B-U-R-R for this special offer, four-week trial, plus a $110 bonus offer that includes postage and a a digital scale.

Speaker 2 All right, don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else.
You click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, you type in burr. That's stamps.com, enter burr, stamps.com.

Speaker 2 Never go to the goddamn fucking post office again. All right, let's do the reads for this week and then I'll get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 I already read the anger one.

Speaker 1 Goodwill.

Speaker 2 Hey, Bill.

Speaker 2 Bill, loved the podcast. Can't wait for F is for Family Season 2.
Thank you very much. Last week on the Thursday podcast, you talked about Goodwill.

Speaker 2 I worked at Goodwill for a little over a year, and you wouldn't believe the shit that was donated there. Oh my god, this fascinates the hell out of me.

Speaker 2 I imagine they give you basically everything short of a body.

Speaker 2 You are totally right. They just throw all this shit in trucks, but they...
But instead of throwing shit in the oceans,

Speaker 2 wait a second, but they instead of of throwing shit in the oceans put the trucks in warehouses and let them set for at least three to ten years so the shit can get a lovely scent of mold over them when they get loaded they literally throw the shit on the truck nine times out of ten breaking whatever you are donating

Speaker 2 no way you know what the shit You know what the shit thing is about donating to Goodwill? You can bring shit with mold, piss, shit, or anything else disgusting there, and they have to take it.

Speaker 2 Well, then, what are they supposed to do with it? I'd put it on a truck, too.

Speaker 2 Nine times out of ten, they will take anything, but that one time out of ten, if you bitch and threaten to call corporate and complain, they will take no matter, they'll take it no matter what.

Speaker 2 Oh, God, somebody's got to do a documentary on Goodwill.

Speaker 2 When I was there, people would donate trash they didn't want to pay to get rid of, couches torn to shit with piss stains all over it, mattresses with literal shit on them, and a laundry list of long gross shit.

Speaker 2 Dude, this is like an expose, and I'm taking this all as fact. I have no idea if this is true or not.
They will literally sell anything.

Speaker 2 I got to the point that when people would donate things that were really nice, I would tell them they should keep it or give it to someone because it would just be thrown away.

Speaker 2 But of course, the mouth-breathing assholes that would donate trash that they

Speaker 2 that they have to what? But of course, the mouth-breathing assholes that would donate trash that they have to take. Dude, you're a bit of a mouth-breather here.
You're not speaking in full sentences.

Speaker 2 These people are hoarders that you can't even open their car door without shit falling all over the fucking place. Fucking disgusting.

Speaker 2 The grossest thing that I ever saw get sold was either a mattress with shit and piss stains on it or an antique dildo that had white hair all over it. Ah, oh, come on, come on, come on, people.

Speaker 2 I can't believe this.

Speaker 2 Am I getting trolled here? Is this a millennial? Is he giving me the business? He says, I know this is going to sound like I am making myself

Speaker 2 in this situation. What? I know this is going to sound like I am making myself in this situation the good guy.
Is this a voice text?

Speaker 2 But I seriously would look at them and be like, why the fuck are we selling this? This is really wrong. They would respond with, we have to sell everything to try and make bonus.

Speaker 2 The sad thing was we never made bonus. I got to the point where I wouldn't price shit because it was garbage.

Speaker 2 On my last day, I felt like grabbing a trash bag from the office, go around the building, picking up trash, then tie it up, slap a dollar on it, and write on the bag

Speaker 2 mystery bag or some shit like that and see if anybody would buy it. But I didn't.
Dude, that was all one sentence.

Speaker 2 On my last day, I felt like grabbing a trash bag from the office, go around the building, picking up trash, then tie it up, slap a dollar on it, and write on the bag, mystery bag, or some shit like that, and see if someone would buy it, but I didn't.

Speaker 2 All one sentence. Thanks, Bill, for the laughs, and good luck to you and Neil with the new baby.
Yeah, I kind of gathered.

Speaker 2 But people just use goodwill because they want to feel like they're being environmentally conscious, you know.

Speaker 2 I'm not throwing this out. It's going to end up in a landfiller in the ocean, and then you just bring it down there.
And they just throw it out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well,

Speaker 2 it didn't take a genius. You come down there.
There's a giant fucking 18-wheeler empty just parked there. Not like it's dropping off or picking up shit.

Speaker 2 It's there on its legs. There's no tractor, trailer there.
And you know, they just come over there like once a day and just drive that thing away. Where's it going?

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 Drama Queen Dad.

Speaker 2 Dear Billy Rednose, first off, I'd like to say thanks, Michael Man. Thank you, thank you.
I'm a lady. Oh my God, I have a female fan in high school.

Speaker 2 And lately, I've been listening to your podcast whenever I'm stressed out or just looking for something to laugh at. Okay, now on to the story.
My father

Speaker 2 is a middle-aged man with bipolar disorder and likes to blame everything on his mental illness, as he calls it. I like that you're already taking him to task here.

Speaker 2 He's going to blame everything on his mental illness. Yeah, that's no reason to not do your dishes.
All right. All right there, Loopy.

Speaker 2 He's very dramatic and claims that his bipolar is the reason he hasn't been able to hold hold a job lately, even though he kept the same career for about 10 years and is now working for a new company.

Speaker 2 My parents are divorced, so whenever my father can't have us over to visit, he claims it's because of his illness. Ah, man, that's the greatest.
There's nothing like a fucking built-in excuse.

Speaker 2 That's gonna be great when I have a kid here in a few fucking days, minutes, weeks, whatever.

Speaker 2 Ah, you know, I'd love to, but my kid, my kids, yeah, I can't. I got a kid.

Speaker 2 I don't want to tell him that bipolar disorder is not a mental

Speaker 2 because he'd go ape shit on me.

Speaker 2 Is bipolar? I don't know.

Speaker 2 I thought anytime your brain was fucked up, you had a mental illness. I have a mental illness with my anger.
Okay, bipolar.

Speaker 2 Bipolar, is it a

Speaker 2 disease?

Speaker 2 Well, let's see here.

Speaker 2 Oh, just give me the fucking answer.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 Jesus.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck you. I'm not reading all this shit.

Speaker 2 This is the internet. I don't want to expound it on.
Just give me the yes or no.

Speaker 2 Is there yesorno.com? Can we just do that? You just answer a, you ask a fucking, it's like, I don't want to know why.

Speaker 2 Is this

Speaker 2 blah, blah, blah, yes or no? And then you have your answers. And then when you go to the bar and somebody says something, you're like, no, it isn't.
Or yes, it is. Yar, it is.

Speaker 2 Do you know that bipolar disorder develops during a person's late teens or early adult years? Do you know I didn't ask that question?

Speaker 2 Never trust a fucking doctor with a goatee.

Speaker 2 Where the fuck is, you know, oh my God. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 Look at these fucking eggheads. They all got nice full heads of hair, though.
I got to give him that.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Anyways,

Speaker 2 I don't want to tell him bipolar disorder is not a mental illness because he'll go ape shit on me.

Speaker 2 For some reason, he seems to enjoy making me and my sister feel like shit and makes mountains out of molehills whenever we correct him or stand up for ourselves when he bullies us.

Speaker 2 Yeah, don't take any shit from him. He sounds like an asshole.
What's even worse about this is that his bullying always works.

Speaker 2 He's very manipulative and I'm scared to see him because of the things he's said and done to me in the past. Every time I'm...
I'm informed I'll have to spend the weekend with him,

Speaker 2 I nearly piss myself with anxiety. My question to you is, how the fuck do you deal with someone like this? I know my dad is ridiculous and uses underhanded

Speaker 2 tactics to make me feel like shit, but for some reason, I'm not able to just get over it.

Speaker 2 None of my friends seem to relate to being so terrified of one person like I am of my father, and I would like to hear your take on things. Thanks for reading this and go fuck yourself.

Speaker 2 All right, how would I get past? Well, this is the hardest thing to do. You have to stop giving a shit about the guy to a certain level.

Speaker 2 At some point, you know, if you have a parent like this, you have to look at them and remove mentally that they're a relative.

Speaker 2 And you have to just say to yourself, like, if this person was a complete stranger, would I be friends with this person?

Speaker 2 Would I interact with this person? Would I waste another minute of my fucking life

Speaker 2 dealing with this person?

Speaker 2 You know, and when you got asked those questions, usually it's like, absolutely not. This would have been a fucking one and done situation.

Speaker 2 But the thing is, it is your dad, so you can't write him off. But you have to kind of, that's the toughest thing when you got to write off a parent but still interact with them.

Speaker 2 You just got to be like,

Speaker 2 I don't know. You kind of have to find the humor in it, I think.
That's a tough one, especially at your age.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I would just, I don't know.
I would probably do some passive aggressive shit where I would just agree. Oh, yeah.
Is that how it is? Okay. I'll get right on that.

Speaker 2 that, you know, shit like that. I don't know what to tell you.
I would just basically,

Speaker 2 I would, like, what is he going to do other than get mad? He doesn't sound like he hits you or anything. So he just mad and he flips out or whatever.
And just, I stop.

Speaker 2 Who gives a fuck? That's what he's going to do. The guy's out of his fucking mind, right? Maybe he's got bipolar.
Maybe he doesn't. Maybe it's a disease.
Maybe it isn't. All you know, it just,

Speaker 2 oh man, this is tough. This is, it's fun.
This is a fucking rough one because it's your dad.

Speaker 2 And the last thing you want to do is then go out in the world and start dating somebody who then treats you like that.

Speaker 2 That the exact fucking thing you don't want, and then you end up with that, and then you have that same nervousness in a fucking relationship. That's all I can say.
You know what you got to do?

Speaker 2 You're not going to be able to fix this guy. You got to deal with him because he is your dad.

Speaker 2 But the big thing that you can do is in your life is you create a life that does not involve this.

Speaker 2 All right. You need to go out and go marry a fucking sweetheart, right?

Speaker 2 And then your fucking house is great and it's peaceful and it's what you want. And then every once in a while this fucking tornado blows through

Speaker 2 and you deal with it and then it leaves and then you go back to your peaceful life.

Speaker 2 That's all you can do. As a kid, you really can't do anything about your parents.
You can't pick them. You just get the ones that you get.

Speaker 2 But the thing that you can do do is create a life that does not involve that. And then you don't do that shit to your kids.
And then you break the cycle. Then that's it.
You know?

Speaker 2 But the weird fucking thing is, is that

Speaker 2 they're still always going to be in your life.

Speaker 2 So that lunatic will then be around your kids. And it's just, it's a motherfucker.
It really is.

Speaker 2 But fortunately, they, for the most part, die before we do. And then, you know, you don't have to deal with them anymore.
So I guess try to find the fucking humor in it

Speaker 2 while you're dealing with it. And then think of how exciting your life is going to be

Speaker 2 by not having that in it. You know?

Speaker 2 You might want to just Skype with them for a while.

Speaker 2 Get yourself in a situation to be like, what? I think the screen froze. Hello? And you just click.

Speaker 2 But that's really

Speaker 2 disappointing to hear that an adult would.

Speaker 2 manipulate a teenager, forget about his own fucking daughter. That sucks.
So I don't try that. But just know that you can go out in the world and have any life that you want to have

Speaker 2 simply by, you know,

Speaker 2 he's showing you what you don't want.

Speaker 1 All right. There you go.
Oh man, that's brutal.

Speaker 2 You fuck, you fuck up so bad as a parent that your daughter goes out going, I want to marry a man who's the exact opposite of my own dad. Whew,

Speaker 2 that's game set match. You fucked up as a father.
All right, sister's girlfriend,

Speaker 2 dear Bill, the red bitch burr.

Speaker 2 My twin sister is a lesbian and she's dating a lady who was bisexual.

Speaker 2 She was bisexual and then what?

Speaker 2 Then what? Became totally homosexual and went back to heterosexuality or is she asexual? At first we weren't close or anything, but we did get along.

Speaker 2 With your twin sister, not the bisexual woman, right? Then about a year ago, we ran into each other at a club and

Speaker 2 oh, no, you're talking about the bisexual lady. My sister is a lesbian and she was dating a lady who was bisexual.
First, we weren't close or anything, but we got along.

Speaker 2 I'm assuming you're talking about the bisexual lady. Then about a year ago, we ran into each other at a downtown club.

Speaker 2 We had a few drugs. Oh, Jesus.
We have a few drinks, just start talking about random stuff.

Speaker 2 She came back. She's going to try to fucking

Speaker 2 try to finger bang the whole family here. Until a friend of mine invited us to a party at some guy's house.
We went and had a lot more to drink, and then one thing led to another.

Speaker 2 what what does anything good ever come after and then you know one thing led to another that's when you're fast forwarding through something a piece of shit thing you did or something you're embarrassed of hey you know one thing led to another

Speaker 2 no one ever talks about fucking uh hey how did you hit that one that winning game shot well the inbound of the ball and uh one thing led to another and uh you know

Speaker 2 I hit the shot to win the championship. You will tell every fucking detail.
I was riding down the court. With every step, I can feel my heartbeat.

Speaker 2 I knew somebody had to step up, and I knew that someone was going to be me. Right? That's how you tell it when you fucking did some good shit.
You did some bad shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, one thing led to another, and the guy was on the ground and he wasn't breathing. So I don't know what happened.

Speaker 2 Okay, one thing led to another, and we ended up having sex. The next day, we came, we came to and both felt horrible about what happened.

Speaker 2 You both came to. I just pictured that fucking,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 take my picture, smack my bitch up. Remember that? Madonna was in the background going, oh,

Speaker 2 she was singing like the fucking opening to Star Trek.

Speaker 2 The next day we came to and both felt horribly about what happened. She then told my sister that she slept with the man, but didn't tell her it was me.
Oh, wait, you're a guy.

Speaker 2 I thought this was a lady.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 2 okay, okay. I'm bisexual.
I don't know. All right, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. All right, your twin sister is a lesbian.
She's dating a lady. He's bisexual.
Yada yada.

Speaker 2 At first, we weren't close or anything, but we got along. Okay, and then you ran into her and you fucked.

Speaker 2 You fucked your fucking sister's

Speaker 2 girlfriend.

Speaker 2 No wonder you went with one thing led to another.

Speaker 2 Then we came to like you were both drugged. Oh, these are classic.
You feel horrible about this, sir. Or you don't, and uh, but you want to get away with it, so you're blowing through the details.

Speaker 2 What is very, this is very underwritten for what the fuck has just gone down here.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ. Uh, she then told my sister that she slept with a man, but didn't tell her it was me.
Dude, this chick is a psycho.

Speaker 2 Uh, for the past year, I've been torn up about it. I need your unbiased style of advice.
Should I tell my sister that it was me or not? Thanks. P.S.
Come, the blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 2 I would love to see you again.

Speaker 2 Dude, no, don't say a you die with that secret. Die with that secret and hope that woman fades away.
And then, if it ever comes back around,

Speaker 1 she said it was you.

Speaker 2 And just be like, it was

Speaker 1 the fire. I didn't want to tell you at a couple of drinks.

Speaker 1 One thing led to another.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't say a fucking word.

Speaker 2 Don't say a fucking word. Okay.
The fly in the ointment here is this bisexual lady. Okay.
She's jumping all over the fence. She's fucking sisters.
She's fucking brothers.

Speaker 2 And she's fucking white people. No, I'm kidding.
She's fucking two people.

Speaker 2 She's the fly in the fucking ointment. Okay.
She said the shit.

Speaker 2 I don't know why she's doing that. This is like, this is, she's like Glenn Close

Speaker 2 in fatal attraction if she fucked both Michael Douglas and the Hardy he was married to and the rabbit, okay? Just fuck this lady. Just, you know, you just sit tight, okay?

Speaker 2 This is like you're in a sub and you cut the engines and you're just hoping that they're not going to start dropping death charges. You just hope you get through it.

Speaker 2 Sometimes in life, you just shut the fuck up. This was one, I wouldn't say anything.
Okay?

Speaker 2 And if she brings it up, yeah, you slept with her, I would just, I mean, what are you going to do?

Speaker 2 This is the thing. you just

Speaker 2 this lady's out of her fucking mind. There's no way your sister's gonna end up with her, okay?

Speaker 2 There's no way she's gonna end up with her,

Speaker 2 all right. This woman's out of her fucking mind, so she's eventually gonna fade away.

Speaker 2 Uh, all you have to do is just hope that when it comes time for the breakup, that the crazy bitch is breaking up with your sister.

Speaker 2 Because if your sister goes to break up with her in that highly emotional moment, she might drop the bomb,

Speaker 2 okay?

Speaker 2 And then you would just, you just got to play it like, she said, what?

Speaker 1 No, that never happened.

Speaker 2 She's just, you were just breaking up, Dad. She said, that's why.
She was saying it because you're broke. And then she walks to the room.
You're like, all right, I did it.

Speaker 1 Because one thing led to another.

Speaker 2 All right. Call my pants down.
A Billy Blue Lungs.

Speaker 2 I don't know what that means. I'm 24 years old and I'm dating a woman that is 34 years old.

Speaker 2 All right, so you're fucking an older lady. You're not dating.

Speaker 1 Come on. What are you going to do?

Speaker 2 You're going to have your first kid with her when she's like 96. We've been dating for close to three years now and I couldn't be happier.
We recently bought a house. Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 2 You're 24, you're dating a 34-year-old and you bought a house with her. Recently bought a house.
I would be nervous if this was flipped and the guy was 34. It was a 24-year-old.

Speaker 2 You still a wild horse, man. You got to run out on the range.

Speaker 2 We recently bought a house and it finally came time to put down the down payment on the house and all that extra stuff. I'm going to be honest.
I had ego issues on the down payment.

Speaker 2 She knows my financial status and she was cool with it, but I just wanted to provide more because she does so much for me.

Speaker 2 So I dropped my car insurance without her knowing to give her the extra money, even though she said I didn't need to. I felt like what sort of man would I be if I didn't contribute my part.

Speaker 2 So my luck has it. I got into a car accident literally two weeks after I dropped my car car insurance.
I'm between a rock and a hard place now.

Speaker 2 We want to start a family, but I'm guessing my license would be suspended for a year. A lot of burden will be put upon her now that I'm assuming my license will be suspended for some time.

Speaker 2 Bill and Nia, if you could do me a solid on this one, that would be great. P.S.
Longtime listener, first-time emailer. Oh, geez.
What are you asking me? Like,

Speaker 2 yeah, you're fucked. You are fucked.
I agree with that.

Speaker 2 Well, I

Speaker 2 in life sometimes you learn a hard lesson, sir, and you're learning one right now. I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you.
You're

Speaker 2 with this woman. I mean

Speaker 2 the solution you what you learned is the solution is not doing what you did. You don't expose yourself to that type of a liability.

Speaker 2 You didn't really ask me a question.

Speaker 2 All right, so you love this person. You want to start a family.
That's all good. And you fucked up.

Speaker 2 I guess if you haven't told her, I would come clean.

Speaker 2 Tell her what you did, why you did it. Say you're sorry.
And

Speaker 2 I don't know what. But if you're 24 and you want to be able to provide,

Speaker 2 she's 34 and you're going to get married and you're going to start a family. I don't know how you're going to be able to provide.
You got to get your career going, I would think.

Speaker 2 So that would be my biggest concern once I find out what the judgment against me is going to be. But here's the deal, dude.
She's 34, you're 24. She should be making more money than you.

Speaker 2 She should have more money than you. Her life should be further down there.
You know, you can't try to catch up to a 34-year-old. All right.

Speaker 2 Because the only way for you to do it is to do what you just did and you end up fucking yourself over. And in the long run, you fuck her over too.
So

Speaker 2 you have to respect the fact that you're the age

Speaker 2 you're at.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 2 I would try to figure out what the fuck I wanted to do with my life, and I would try to get that career going.

Speaker 2 And I would hope that there would be a bus close by that I could take to get me to that because I think you're going to get fucked here. Sorry to say that, but

Speaker 2 yeah, my advice would be to stop trying to measure up to a 34-year-old.

Speaker 2 Just be 24.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 I hope that helped you out.

Speaker 2 But that's all I got. Sorry.
Okay. All right.
That's the podcast for this week.

Speaker 1 All right. That's it.

Speaker 2 That's it. Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.
Congratulations to USC. Congratulations to Clemson, Alabama.
Oh, Nilly. We're going to see who's going to fucking win that one.
And

Speaker 2 NFL playoffs.

Speaker 2 Playoffs are coming. Bruins had a nice two-game win streak over the Sabres.
And then we fucking lost yesterday. I missed that game.
Got fucking smoked three to nothing.

Speaker 2 But who do we play? Played fucking the Carolina Hurricanes.

Speaker 2 That's it. Hey, everybody, the holidays are over.
It's a brand new fucking year. Don't deal with bipolar people.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 If you're going to make a left, get over towards the double line.

Speaker 2 Don't liquidate your fucking insurance. So you can try to fucking bang a 40-year-old.
And

Speaker 2 I think that's it. Yeah.
And if you bang your

Speaker 2 lesbian sister's girlfriend, keep your fucking mouth shut.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 Talk to you on Thursday.

Speaker 4 What's up, everybody? Welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show, NFL edition.

Speaker 4 I can't believe I'm saying this for week 18.

Speaker 4 Oh my God, it's over. The regular season is over.

Speaker 4 It flew by, but we got one more week to go. Before we get into the show, we have to shout out to sponsor.
It's BetMGM, everybody.

Speaker 4 You guys know BetMGM. You still got time because playoffs are coming.

Speaker 4 Bet MGM is offering $1,500 in free bets to get your season going. Here's how it works.
Four easy steps. You download the sports book, the BetMGM Sportsbook app.

Speaker 4 Use our code, the code for anything better, which is Burr. B-U-R-R.
You sign up with at least $10.

Speaker 4 Place your first wager and receive up to $1,500 back in bonus bets if the bet loses.

Speaker 4 If the bet does lose, your bonus bets will be available once your initial wager is settled and the first touchdown offer still available.

Speaker 4 You simply place a prop bet of any player in any game to get the first touchdown. If your player doesn't score the first, but instead scores second, you'll get your stack back in cash.
Guys,

Speaker 4 I'm not going to lie to you. I'm

Speaker 4 usually humble when I go 4-0. But the one pick that I liked, Bill, and I, and it killed our draft pick, was I took the Giants getting seven and a half.

Speaker 4 And I said, I think they're going to lose, but cover. And they fucking outright won and lost the first round pick.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I got to tell you, dude, the first round pick, though, historically.

Speaker 1 It's true. Do you know what I mean? It seems like it's two, three guys a decade that

Speaker 1 come through. And then also, you know, that's being the number one obvious choice at quarterback is a blessing and a curse.
You get a bunch of money and then you go to a team with no offensive line.

Speaker 1 And, you know, worst case scenario is RG3. Best case scenario is Elway or Eli being like, I'm not playing for these guys.

Speaker 1 so I don't know, dude. Like, this, there's been a bunch of guys.
I, I, I think that'd be an interesting stat. Are there more people in the first round in the teens

Speaker 1 that that ended up being Hall of Famers or those first guys? Because there's a lot of

Speaker 1 busts at quarterback, which, you know, I don't know. Obviously, I'm not always putting on the quarterback.
It's the team you go to. There's a lot of busts.
What about like the third round pick?

Speaker 1 They pick a left tackle. You know, we got to get somebody in here to protect our guy like those guys or a defensive end.
I've seen a lot of those guys

Speaker 1 not pan out. So I don't think,

Speaker 1 you know, this whole idea that if you get the number one pick in the draft, you know, you got a Super Bowl coming in the next four or five years is a little overrated.

Speaker 1 It's just exciting for the fans because you get to pick whoever you want.

Speaker 4 Yeah, and historically you're right because the last like sure shot

Speaker 4 was Andrew Luck. And like, think about how long ago that was.
They were like, this guy is like ready. And they were right.
He was great. But then like, that doesn't happen a lot.
So you're right.

Speaker 1 Then he was too smart to keep playing football.

Speaker 4 He was like, I'm done, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I got my money.

Speaker 1 I'm out. I can go do computer programming.
I think he was just a smart guy. And he went to some of these old NFL events and he just saw what he was going to be walking like and talking like.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's fucking brutal.

Speaker 4 Yeah, he's like an engineer or a scientist. Like he's like ridiculously.

Speaker 1 So this is brutal, by the way. Last week, I brought up the name Virgil Livers.
I had never even heard of that. Said he had the

Speaker 1 Joe Theisman of testicle injuries. And it's not even close.
Like, Joe Theisman, anybody in the world would take what happened to Joe Theisman versus Virgil Livers.

Speaker 1 He wasn't wearing a cup, and some guy landed on one of his balls with his knee and it exploded.

Speaker 1 Like, what?

Speaker 2 What kind of pain is that?

Speaker 4 Dude, I did this show. I shot that.

Speaker 1 I just just think you just go

Speaker 1 and then no noise comes out.

Speaker 4 You're just like, I can't even

Speaker 1 all way to the hospital. No, no, dude, dude, that's.

Speaker 1 Excuse me.

Speaker 4 There's this

Speaker 4 famous story of this rugby player. He's like one of the toughest rugby players in the world.
And

Speaker 4 it was for this show that we shot. And he was so tough that he was like getting beaten up the whole game.

Speaker 4 game and he's like wincing in pain in the locker room and his teammate looked at him and realized his teammate goes dude what's wrong his scrotum was shredded and the ball was hanging out of the scrotum hanging down and there was like fatty tissue and blood and he just goes like oh and then just got it sewn put it back in and sewn back in and just like kept on like it was the toughest shit i ever heard i was like dude oh god i would say that's the dumbest shit i ever heard you can have that fucking thing sewn up.

Speaker 1 I mean, you could literally affect whether you can have kids or not. And then you're going to go run around the grass, dirt, and mud.
No, that's, that's like, I would say,

Speaker 1 I mean, dude, if your family's life is on the line, you can do some Rambo shit like that. But if you're just playing a fucking game and you do that, that is the reason why men do not outlive women.

Speaker 1 It's all of that dumb shit of like, how much pain can I take? How dumb can I? Because obviously I shouldn't play right now and I should go to the hospital.

Speaker 1 But if I want some man points, I'll do the exact opposite.

Speaker 4 By the way, what's a cup doing? Isn't how did that guy get his balls exploded? Like, what happened with his cup?

Speaker 1 He wasn't wearing a cup. Oof.

Speaker 1 Some, I don't know, 250, 270 guy, you know, fucking. Oh, my God.

Speaker 4 Oh, my God.

Speaker 4 Well, let's get into football pits.

Speaker 1 Okay, then we've got two fucking ball bag stories.

Speaker 4 Oh, my God, dude. Oh, my God.
When you said exploded, it just ruined my fucking afternoon.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 dude, I'm literally like, oh, Paul, you hate to hear it. You hate to see about it.
You just hate the whole thing.

Speaker 1 Oh, all right.

Speaker 4 I guess this is week 18. I got, see, this is a tricky week because not everybody's playing for something.
So you got a lot of spoilers, but then. Then you got some good ones.

Speaker 1 Paul, you're not playing for something either. Paul's had his bench in picking games for for the last three weeks and then he goes four and oh again

Speaker 1 yep dude i i swear to god if i actually was watching football and had time to look at this i would help the podcast out but i got to be honest with you you andrew and jake the snake well above 500

Speaker 1 just spanking

Speaker 1 bet mgm got him over your knee paul Well, here's the deal.

Speaker 4 If I go, if I can manage to go three and one or better, it'll be the best I've ever done.

Speaker 1 So I'm in it still. Dude, the fact that it isn't already,

Speaker 1 very quietly, the Trust Fund kid, Andrew Themelis, he picks over 40 games right every year. You know what I mean? He's just doing it out in Seattle.
So, you know, ESPN doesn't pay attention. You know,

Speaker 1 if he was picking these games in New York,

Speaker 1 they'd have a fucking billboard of him in Times Square. Listen.

Speaker 4 He's listening. He's the Beverly Hills kid.

Speaker 1 It's quite assassin.

Speaker 1 We don't know if his dad has connections with Vegas, though. You know, he does come from money.

Speaker 4 That's true.

Speaker 4 I saw some of those characters at his wedding. He's got some connections.
They all got good foot.

Speaker 4 We got to bring in Jake the Snake here. Jake the Snake on the last regular season, regular season week 18.
We got to ask you, A, who's playing for the most stuff? We got to ask you, B, who's hurt?

Speaker 4 What do we got, Jake?

Speaker 5 Well, TN's playing for the most is on Saturday.

Speaker 5 Cincinnati Bengals,

Speaker 5 if they lose, their season is over. If they win, they still need some luck.
But

Speaker 5 so that's kind of the big game that's like the Dominoes will start falling because if the Bengals win,

Speaker 5 then Denver has to win if they want to make the playoffs.

Speaker 4 And also the Miami Dolphins, right?

Speaker 5 Yeah, and they would need the Dolphins to lose as well. So the Dolphins would get in if Denver lost and they won.
So that's the other team that could make the playoffs.

Speaker 5 And then the Sunday night game is for the one seed in the NFC. The winner between Detroit or Minnesota will be the one seed.

Speaker 5 Yeah, so that's kind of the big game. And then in terms of resting,

Speaker 5 the most controversial one is probably their Eagles because they're wrestling Saquon Barkley, who has a chance to break Eric Dickerson's all-time rushing record.

Speaker 5 He probably won't get that chance again.

Speaker 4 And Eric Dickerson himself came out this week and he acted good for him. He goes, I don't want him to break it.

Speaker 4 He actually said he doesn't want his record to be broken. He was honest about it.
Good for Eric Dickerson.

Speaker 1 Is anybody going to mention that you're getting two extra games?

Speaker 5 Yeah, well, that is true, too.

Speaker 1 So, but Eric got two extra games from OJ.

Speaker 1 OJ did it.

Speaker 1 And I don't mean the murders. OJ did

Speaker 1 two homicides.

Speaker 1 Rest of soul.

Speaker 5 He's killing on and off the field. Okay.

Speaker 1 He killed one person for every thousand yards he rushed for.

Speaker 1 He was shredding people and defenses. And what was it? 73?

Speaker 1 He did it in 14 games. Yeah, that's how it was.
14 games. Jake the Snake, how many yards do you have to average? to get 2,000 yards in 14 games.
Come on, man. Somebody break out.
Come on, Andrew.

Speaker 1 Somebody.

Speaker 5 I'm terrible at math, but 100 yards a game.

Speaker 1 I like

Speaker 1 170, 180. I like that.

Speaker 4 170, 180 per game, which is nuts. Dude, they got to get it.

Speaker 6 2,000 yards for 18 games? 111.

Speaker 1 For 14. No, for 14 games.
Oh, for 14 games.

Speaker 1 Somebody, somebody's got a calculator. 142.

Speaker 1 142 yards a game round up to 143.

Speaker 4 They got to stop playing games, dude. If they go to 20 games a year, they got to stop this shit.

Speaker 5 They're going to go to 18 pretty soon, which is a lot.

Speaker 5 Season's long. We're going to go to President State weekend, you know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's, it's like,

Speaker 4 yeah, concussions was a big one.

Speaker 1 I would say that what will probably happen was regular season,

Speaker 1 um,

Speaker 2 regular season

Speaker 1 records will obviously start falling left and right if they get 18 games to do what people used to do in 14, 16 games 12 games depending on how old the record is and then I would I would think unless they keep making adjustments to how they play the game careers will be shorter but it's weird because you'll be playing more games so like and you know in like nine years you'll have played an extra season or eight years an extra season than what somebody else did so that's gonna take its toll plus the playoffs but they got to front load it right i mean you can't go any deeper into

Speaker 6 I mean, I guess you can. I don't know.

Speaker 3 I mean, it's you don't want to be playing.

Speaker 1 And it's just greed.

Speaker 1 That's all it is. It's greed.
I bet they go to two bye weeks. Two bye weeks, and then it'll be 19 weeks.
They'll just keep stretching it out and stretching it out.

Speaker 1 And bye weeks, what's the great thing about the bye weeks is it adds an extra week to the season already. We're already up to like

Speaker 1 what is it, 18 weeks a regular season, but I think with the buy, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you only have one buy. I'm not complaining as far as being a football fan, but

Speaker 1 these players,

Speaker 1 the owners don't give a shit. They're going to start wearing those hot air balloon helmets,

Speaker 1 playing for like 25 fucking weeks.

Speaker 5 I can't believe they still play on artificial turf. It's basically concrete.

Speaker 1 I thought they got rid of, they got the fake tires that are giving people cancer.

Speaker 3 Cancer, yeah. All the goalies in Europe, especially goalies that handle the ball.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, they're all getting like cancer. But then what Europe does is they actually, you know, when they're not causing world wars, they look out for their people.

Speaker 1 So they got rid of all of that stuff. So I guess whatever they treat the tires with has some sort of lead or something in it that they're saying could possibly, allegedly create cancer.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's all about it. The great thing about having a shaved headball is even if you have cancer, nobody knows.

Speaker 4 That is a positive.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's in treatment. Oh, I thought he was on Ozempic.

Speaker 1 I knew he was getting a little gaunt, but he kind of looked the same.

Speaker 1 Anyway, all right, let's do some picks here. Paulie.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 6 Guys, what the screen up?

Speaker 1 Put the screen up and let's start fucking picking away. Billy Housewife trying to get 30 wins this year.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 4 Dude, I don't think

Speaker 4 is Aaron Rodgers going to spoil the Dolphins season? I don't think so because the Jets are that bad. I'm going to take the Dolphins playing for their playoff lives minus one

Speaker 1 at Met Life. Well, what week of the season do you start saying that? You just love, you love gun to your head and playing for your playoff life.

Speaker 1 I do.

Speaker 1 I do.

Speaker 1 You know what it is?

Speaker 4 You love the drama of that. I do.

Speaker 1 And another

Speaker 1 summertime blockbuster. That just you are a moth to a lot.
And all right, they say they call them. Uh,

Speaker 1 what's that?

Speaker 4 Another one I say is he's running for his life.

Speaker 1 Oh, running for his life. Um, I usually use that one when I'm defending a quarterback that has no offensive line.
Um,

Speaker 1 all right, I would say right out of the gate, um,

Speaker 1 I mean, 20 and a half points.

Speaker 1 I mean, what is this? College football? It's fucking ridiculous.

Speaker 4 I mean,

Speaker 1 you're starting. Sorry.
Sorry. My daughter just heard me swear.

Speaker 1 20 and a half. I'll take the Browns, man.
Going downtown with the Browns.

Speaker 4 Well, you're starting with.

Speaker 1 Dude, I'm almost up by three touchdowns. I mean, how do I walk away from that?

Speaker 4 We've been doing this show for a few years. I've never seen that line.

Speaker 1 Have you ever seen that? I've never seen that line either. 20 and a half.
Hey, shout out to the, speaking of Ohio, the Ohio State Buckeyes. Everyone laughing when they lost to Michigan.

Speaker 1 All of a sudden, they're two games away, knocked off number one, Oregon, like they were nothing. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I'll tell you what, too. That defensive line of the Notre Dame fighting Irishman, that D line looked real good against Georgia.

Speaker 1 I can't believe they won. I was sitting there going, like, maybe Georgia, Ohio State in the final.
Shows you what I know, Paul. I know Jack's squat.

Speaker 1 I've been riding. I've never leave me asked my wife.

Speaker 4 Train. Hold on.
Where is this? Where is this game? What's this line? Where are they? There they are.

Speaker 4 I've been riding this train.

Speaker 1 Where are they? There they are.

Speaker 4 I've been riding this train for four weeks or three weeks, whatever. And I'm staying on, everybody.

Speaker 4 I'm going to take the Cincinnati Bengals playing for their playoff.

Speaker 1 Playoff, lives. Playoff goals.

Speaker 4 Minus two in Pittsburgh.

Speaker 4 You know, I don't think the weather is going to affect either team because both play in cold weather. I'm going to take Joey Burrow to do his part in getting his team there.
Minus two, Cincinnati.

Speaker 4 I'm taking him.

Speaker 1 You know, Paul, since you like the

Speaker 1 playoff live so much,

Speaker 1 the nickname of the team you would have loved the best growing up, if you were old enough, would have been the Cleveland Browns. with Brian Seype.
They were called the Cardiac Kids.

Speaker 4 Oh, that's a great one.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 they would look like they would be losing, and then the last second, they would win the game, you know, like in overtime. Make your heart stop.
The cardiac kids. Back when having

Speaker 1 a heart issue was

Speaker 1 still kind of funny.

Speaker 1 You could actually say, now you have to say unalive.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 That is the dumbest. That is like.

Speaker 1 I would love to get to the head of liberals and be like, all of these years of changing the words,

Speaker 1 but not dealing with the problem, it's so dumb. People are still killing themselves.
They're still committing suicide, but we're all staying unalived.

Speaker 4 Yeah. He unalived himself.

Speaker 1 He unalived himself. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What are we fucking children, Paul? Is that what liberals? Liberals want us to treat us like children, right?

Speaker 1 And then conservatives that want to fucking bring back the feudal system? Isn't there a middle ground, Paul? You know what the middle ground I think is, Paul?

Speaker 1 Is taking the Rams, getting six and a half at home against the Seahawks.

Speaker 5 Rams are arresting everybody, by the way, because they have nothing to play for.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute, does the Seahawks have something to play for? No. What do you mean? The people are playing for next year's contract.
They're playing to stay on.

Speaker 1 Yeah. They're in Hollywood, Tinseltown, where they put on a show.

Speaker 1 I'm going with the Rams because the game's going to be on TV.

Speaker 1 I can actually watch that game with my old man cable.

Speaker 1 Paul, I'm not clicking on a bunch of apps and getting passwords and all of this shit. I'm not doing this anymore to try to fucking

Speaker 1 dude. You know what my son said this morning? What? He got upset at me and told me he was going to call Kojak.

Speaker 4 That's awesome.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he loves that show, man.

Speaker 4 Oh, dude, that's so awesome.

Speaker 1 We have dad and son black leather jackets showed up at a Christmas party, dude.

Speaker 4 That's awesome, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 1 That's awesome. Yeah.
All right. What do you got here?

Speaker 4 I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do it because they're going to ruin it again. They're going to ruin the fourth pick.
They already ruined the one.

Speaker 4 They're going to ruin the fourth pick. The Eagles are sitting, everybody.
I'm going to take my New York football Giants to bury us in the draft even more. Plus three.

Speaker 1 He likes that.

Speaker 4 The Eagles are playing for nothing. The Giants are playing for pride.
I'll take the Giants.

Speaker 1 I'm going to take the Washington Commanders. Okay.

Speaker 4 That's a good one.

Speaker 1 Laying six, going into Jerry World.

Speaker 1 And I'm hoping at some point those Dallas Cowboy fans stop complaining about GMs and coaches and players

Speaker 1 and they get to the real problem.

Speaker 1 Stepping on the 50-yard line, Paul.

Speaker 1 Looking like he's going through a wind tunnel.

Speaker 4 You know what? Another one I like, Bill?

Speaker 1 Another one I like?

Speaker 4 They're on life support, but they're still in it.

Speaker 1 You know what the one I like?

Speaker 1 They're hanging around.

Speaker 1 That's the one I like. They're letting them hang around.
Paul.

Speaker 1 They should have put him away, but they let them hang around. Not dead yet.

Speaker 1 Showing signs of life.

Speaker 5 The Giants were the only underdog that won last week.

Speaker 5 Favorites were 14-1.

Speaker 1 That's why I went one and three last week.

Speaker 4 All right, Jake the Snake, what is going on with your Chargers? Are your Chargers in it still?

Speaker 5 Yeah, they've clinched the playoff spot. The only thing they have to play for is if the Steelers lose to the Bengals, then they could

Speaker 5 then, and if they beat the Raiders, they would move up a spot. So they'd play at Houston instead of at Baltimore, which would be much more ideal because Baltimore is going to blow us out.

Speaker 5 Houston will give it Houston, we can beat. Baltimore, we cannot.
So it would just depend on Saturday.

Speaker 5 If the Steelers win.

Speaker 1 Jesus, Jake, why don't you just make the fucking pick for them? How much information are you going to give them? That was incredible.

Speaker 1 You did everything but break down the scores per quarter

Speaker 5 i'd love it if the raiders won just so they just so they fall down i fall out of the top 10.

Speaker 4 every time i see jake's window i just picture a girl getting up imagine she's like jake you're not you're never that thoughtful with me

Speaker 4 she just throws a shoe at his head

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 4 jake why can't i quit you

Speaker 1 i come over here you just treat me like a hoo-wa You care about your football show more than me. It's been three months.
I've never been outside with you. Jake's just wiping off his glasses.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's how it is, sweetheart.

Speaker 4 It's week 18. That's why.

Speaker 1 It's week.

Speaker 1 You can learn what we want.

Speaker 1 The fucking stealth stud.

Speaker 1 People have no idea what's too, you know, everybody out there, you're lucky the Playboy Network still isn't around. Jake would have a fucking

Speaker 1 block of time.

Speaker 4 We got Wild Card Weekend next week, sweetheart.

Speaker 1 Football season's over.

Speaker 1 Where do you think that money comes from?

Speaker 1 All right. All right.
Don't cry. Okay.
Here we go. Here's a little bit of cash.
Go out. Go get yourself something.
Calm down. I'll take you out for a coffee later on today.

Speaker 1 Jesus, every woman in my life.

Speaker 1 All right. Who who's picking next?

Speaker 1 Look, we established the threesome early in the relationship.

Speaker 1 You can't take that away now.

Speaker 4 The Chargers are road dogs, honey.

Speaker 1 They're road dogs.

Speaker 1 If they don't cover that trip to Cabo, you can forget about it.

Speaker 1 That's the kind of pressure I need you to understand

Speaker 1 that I

Speaker 1 under every week.

Speaker 1 I don't get to live in your fantasy land of having another adult take care of you. My God.

Speaker 1 Look at me. I'm still in my robe.
I got to be on the air. Oh, God.

Speaker 1 This might be a short movie we got to make. All right, let's go.
What do you got?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 4 For my fourth and final pick,

Speaker 4 I think I got to just end it with the team I think that's going to win the Super Bowl. And I think I'm going to take the Lions at home with something to prove against the Vikings.

Speaker 4 I think Jarrett, Goff is the best. And I'm going to take them to beat the Vikings.
I got the Lions at home laying three.

Speaker 1 All right, Paul, I'm going to tell you why I'm going to take the Vikings. Ooh.

Speaker 1 You know why?

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 you've gone big on all of

Speaker 1 Playing for their playoff lives.

Speaker 1 Playing for their playoff lives two times. And then you said something else that they're running for their lives.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 But then when you pick the lines, you go, you know, I think they got something to prove.

Speaker 1 You know, and it sounded like you were talking about a first-time female director. I wasn't impressed.
I wasn't impressed.

Speaker 1 So, what was it like to be behind the camera? They both got their legs up off the floor and on the couch.

Speaker 4 It's so empowering.

Speaker 1 It's so empowering. It's such a great message.
It's a story that needs to be told.

Speaker 4 And we were like one on set. We were just like one at just every single day.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, you're going to make me cry.

Speaker 1 You're going to make me cry.

Speaker 1 I'm going to take the Vikings

Speaker 1 to remind the Lions

Speaker 1 who both these teams are.

Speaker 1 neither have a Super Bowl.

Speaker 1 Both of these teams, this, I swear to God, if there's a way, if they played each other in the Super Bowl, it would somehow the dome would collapse and the game would have to be played later.

Speaker 1 Something would happen, but I'm going to take the Vikings.

Speaker 1 Um, I don't even know why, just because I want to watch the game. And um,

Speaker 4 wait, Jake, the Vikings beat them already, right, this year?

Speaker 5 I think the Lions won the first game.

Speaker 1 Uh, okay,

Speaker 1 oh, Paul. Okay, oh, oh, okay.
Paul, yeah, okay. So wait a minute.
I didn't like that answer, Paul.

Speaker 4 So wait a minute. Whoever wins this game gets the first seed, the first week by and home field.

Speaker 1 Yep. Oh,

Speaker 1 huge game.

Speaker 4 Huge game.

Speaker 1 Huge game. That's right.

Speaker 4 And it's our Monday night, or it's the Sunday night.

Speaker 5 There's no Monday night game, so that's the last game of the regular season.

Speaker 1 Hey, Paul, did Bet MGM call you? Like, you know, like when you lose an election and you call and you congratulate the other candidate, have they called you yet? They have four years in a row?

Speaker 1 Have they made the phone call? Bet MGM, like, when are you just going to man up and realize,

Speaker 1 you know, your guys in Vegas,

Speaker 1 they're just not going to beat Paul Versey.

Speaker 4 I just don't understand why they don't just call me in to Vegas and have a meeting with me.

Speaker 1 You know what it is? You know why, Paul? Because you're Italian.

Speaker 1 You're prejudiced against Italian. You believe this? You believe it?

Speaker 4 This day and age?

Speaker 1 Prejudice against Italians.

Speaker 4 Three years in a row, you believe it?

Speaker 1 What if they knew if they called you up, said, Paul, we would bring you in, but we spent 40 years trying to get you people out of these casinos.

Speaker 1 If you were a little more waspy, we would get you in there.

Speaker 4 I'd be like, I get it, I get it.

Speaker 1 Okay, I get it.

Speaker 4 Some of my guys messed up. What do you want, dude?

Speaker 1 I was talking about that kid last night, Luigi, on stage. I go, this guy's a hero.
We should be down there trying to bust him out of the jail.

Speaker 1 I go, this country never in the history of it has ever gotten a Luigi out of jail.

Speaker 1 All the way back to Sako and Vanzetti, Paul. They've let you guys twist in the wind.

Speaker 4 I lived in a neighborhood with two or three Luigis, okay, growing up. They were Cavarici, Z Cavarici with the black Filas, and the Filas had the same.

Speaker 1 I thought you were saying that was their last name, Luigi Cavarici. I was like, oh my God, that's got to be in a movie.

Speaker 4 No, you remember the Z Cavaricis, right?

Speaker 1 No, I remember them. I wore them.

Speaker 4 I didn't even have Z calves.

Speaker 1 I had big puffy pants that were tan, like Pete Carroll, if he was backing up MC Hammer. And then they had this lime like label right above your dick to let everybody.

Speaker 1 And then they tapered in like a little thing around your ankle.

Speaker 4 Oh, dude. And they were, their hair was perfect.
And they literally did this shit with the comb. They had cologne.
They had chains over the turtleneck. And when they would pull up

Speaker 4 in the Camaro, you would just hear, you're my dream, boy.

Speaker 1 I don't even know that song.

Speaker 4 You know that song, right?

Speaker 1 Is it a pop dream?

Speaker 1 You don't have to.

Speaker 1 Come on, sing it. Sing it.
I want to hear it.

Speaker 4 You're my dream, boy. How's it go? You don't.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 4 Hold on. I got to get it.

Speaker 1 Come on. We're going to get knocked off YouTube.

Speaker 3 Don't play it.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Oh, really? Dinged.

Speaker 1 All right. Oh, to be.

Speaker 1 Was that by Banana Rama?

Speaker 4 Wasn't that like, like i don't know you remember you remember stevie b you remember stevie b

Speaker 1 spring love you remember right hey paul if you're in a group called banana rama like how much are you saving your money when you're on tour you're like i don't

Speaker 1 i don't see this going longer than three summers yeah but dude they had cruel summer for karate kid big one i know they did but their name was banana rama yeah

Speaker 4 it's true that's a tough one it's a tough one yeah

Speaker 1 that's like what was on the other we get knocked down we get up again what was the name of of them? Chumbawumba.

Speaker 1 Chumbawumba,

Speaker 1 fucking Banana Rama. I mean, you're just all going to end up on the same cruise ship.

Speaker 4 Dude, did you hear Dave Grohl talk about Foo Fighters? He goes, dude, he goes, we didn't even know. He goes, we thought it was the dumbest name.

Speaker 4 And we thought, like, oh, if it gets serious, we'll change it. Like, they actually did Foo Fighters as a goof.
Like, he thought it was so stupid.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, stupid all the way to the O2 arena. Oh.

Speaker 4 Hey. All right.
So, here we go. We got the last game of the year.
We hit, I think we tied the record for Monday night specials this year. Yeah, so we got Viking

Speaker 4 hosts in the open era when they made it more difficult in the modern era.

Speaker 1 Yeah, not with the wooden rackets, how we did it the first time.

Speaker 1 Um, all right, what are we going to do?

Speaker 4 Because Bill likes the Vikes.

Speaker 1 Hey, I'm doing a podcast here. Let's try to keep it down.

Speaker 1 Um, All their friends are over.

Speaker 4 Who? Oh, the kids?

Speaker 1 The kids are over. We got to wrap it up.
That's the best when the kids are over, though, isn't it?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It is. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It is.

Speaker 4 Because I'm the cool one. Because I'm the cool one.
And they fucking know it. And,

Speaker 4 you know, it lets my wife know. Sometimes it's good to remind them.
It's good to fucking remind them who the fucking easy one is.

Speaker 4 You know?

Speaker 4 You know, because I'm fucking, because that's Scandinavians are cold. They're fucking, they've got that Viking in them.
They're fucking cold. I'm warm.
I'm fucking warm.

Speaker 4 I hug her fucking family, dude.

Speaker 4 You go in and it's like

Speaker 4 it takes forever to even greet.

Speaker 4 My family, it's a hug. It's, hey, how are you? Oh, my God.
Get in here. Fuck, God bless you.
Over there, it's like

Speaker 6 what?

Speaker 3 Slips a sandwich in the pocket as you hug them. There you go.
This is a purchase.

Speaker 4 Doesn't take much to be warm, does it?

Speaker 1 How do the Vikings hug Paul?

Speaker 4 They don't.

Speaker 1 they don't hug

Speaker 4 hey how you doing hey Merry Christmas

Speaker 4 it's like she just hugged

Speaker 1 good things are good you know

Speaker 4 work kids Scandinavians have this thing where like when you first get into the house it's not like

Speaker 4 the way like if I see you get in here they have like a hey how's everything how's it going oh it just looks good everything and then like then two drinks in they're happy

Speaker 4 you know

Speaker 4 What it is, you know, it's just sadness, Paul.

Speaker 1 I mean, they don't, they don't get as much sun.

Speaker 4 What is it? What is it? My cross to bear? What is it? How do you say that?

Speaker 4 What is it my cross to bear?

Speaker 1 You got it right. Boy, week 18.
Look at you.

Speaker 4 My cross to bear. What are you going to do?

Speaker 1 That's my cross to bear. Well, yeah, Paul.
You knew what you were walking into. Opposites attract.

Speaker 4 Sophia, my daughter, Sophia, goes, my friends love you. They say, oh, Sophia's dad's so nice.
And I just look over and stays.

Speaker 4 No, my wife, listen, my wife is great. She's a sweetheart, just a little older.

Speaker 5 You're excited to have the friends over to, no, I just use this as a bragging tool for my wife.

Speaker 4 They know.

Speaker 1 Well, in your marriage, you got any, anybody, any good review that you get, you know, it's so funny. Your wife pretends like they don't hear it.

Speaker 4 Dude, you look at them.

Speaker 1 You look at them like, see,

Speaker 4 dude, I saw a wife.

Speaker 1 You know what I am, Paul? You know what?

Speaker 1 what oh now you got me going you know what i am paul i am who i am as the person is the sum of all my faults oh that's how they do it that's how the math works i can't get anything in the positive side of the ledger never never

Speaker 1 never

Speaker 4 did never never did it's it's it's set in stone the other day i heard the other day i heard a wife go like this somebody went and gave her husband credit she goes don't give him the don't do that don't give him the credit

Speaker 1 no psychological warfare to get his character.

Speaker 1 Dude, I was smoking a cigar at the buddy of mine. Yeah, dude, he did one that was the West Coast version of Never Did.

Speaker 1 I was going like, I was going off. And then she said this, then she says that.
So I blah blah blah. And then I do that.

Speaker 1 I'm fucking, ah, I'm getting all fucking amped up. And he's just sitting there with the cigar and he just goes,

Speaker 1 That's how it is.

Speaker 1 My favorite thing ever. He didn't even debate it.

Speaker 1 He didn't debate it. There's no solutions.
It just, that's how it is. Dude, I had how it is.
It actually made me feel better. It's like I'm yelling about something that just is.

Speaker 4 I had a friend back in the day. We lost a little touch or whatever, but his dad was so incredible.
Like his dad was just, you want to talk about filter off?

Speaker 4 And his dad would say things that were so abrasive. And you would even be like whoa

Speaker 4 and like one time we're in the kitchen and i was like yeah she doesn't care and he just goes oh

Speaker 4 like it was so no of course not no no

Speaker 1 they don't they don't they don't they don't man they don't i was joking with my wife going this is how you compliment me or say something nice you go i do love you

Speaker 1 I do respect you. Like, it doesn't,

Speaker 1 I do care.

Speaker 1 And it all, like, it all has to be like, you don't give a fuck. Yes, I do.
It's like, well, why don't you just fucking say it every once in a while? No.

Speaker 1 Ah, whatever, Paul. Let's get to what we're good at, the Monday night special.

Speaker 4 Because anything positive for them, this is, because

Speaker 4 anything positive for us, they take as like it's a slight on them.

Speaker 1 like they don't it's on it's it's sick no they're worried that you're gonna feel good about yourself which will make you attractive to another female and then they will lose you they don't even know they're doing it so they psychologically got to keep you down the whole time you're in it it's fucking unbelievable then meanwhile oh christ i spilt another glass of water this day's gonna suck um

Speaker 1 I uh no, and then you got to sit there and fucking constantly tell them that they look good in whatever dumb shit they just bought.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's not.

Speaker 1 How awkward a question is that? What do you think of this? Do you think this looks like?

Speaker 4 Oh, dude, the other day, I'm not going to lie. The other day, Stacey had one boot on her left foot and a different one on her right.
And I go, both of those are bad.

Speaker 1 They're not distinct.

Speaker 4 And she goes, you're right. She goes, you're right.
And she put on nice ones.

Speaker 4 She does it to me.

Speaker 1 You are dressed like a guy who gets traded for a player to be named later.

Speaker 5 Oh, that's a lot of water.

Speaker 1 All right. All right.
Let's go to the Monday Night Specialist so I can clean up this mess over here.

Speaker 4 All right. So Bill likes the Vikes.
I like the Lions. It's minus three.
Let's do this. Let's do.

Speaker 1 Goth.

Speaker 1 Do what you want to do. Don't listen to me.
I'm the housewife on the show. No, let's do Darnold.

Speaker 4 Let's do Darnold to throw one for the Vikes. Let's do Goff to throw one for the Lions.

Speaker 1 It's going to be a shootout.

Speaker 4 What's the underover?

Speaker 1 48.

Speaker 4 47.

Speaker 1 46. I think it was

Speaker 3 56.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 That's insane.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 1 Dude, is this not the modern NFL?

Speaker 4 But Bill, you just called it. You just said shootout.

Speaker 1 And then both of these teams are super bowl favorites and they can't keep the number collectively the two of them under 56.

Speaker 1 having said that the one of the great super bowls of all time the cowboys the second time versus the steelers that was like a 35 33 affair or whatever i mean they went over 60 points so

Speaker 1 more like usual paul i don't really know what i'm talking about all right so i like both stock quarterbacks i like the under to throw a touchdown and paul likes the under

Speaker 4 which i never like you like the under usually?

Speaker 1 I don't know about the under.

Speaker 4 You like the over. All right, let's go over.
You want to root for points?

Speaker 1 I don't want to. I fuck 56.
I don't want to, I don't even want to look at that number. I hate that number.

Speaker 1 Wait,

Speaker 4 that's each team scoring 56. Is each team scoring 28 points?

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Dude, that's eight touchdowns total, dude. They ain't doing that.

Speaker 1 All right. And Paul, you got the magic touch.
You got the touch.

Speaker 1 You got the power.

Speaker 4 I say we take the under, golf to throw one, Darnold to throw one.

Speaker 1 All is said and done. He beat the book.
He's having fun. He's a winner.

Speaker 4 And then we got Wild Car Weekend next week. You guys cool with that?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 4 So our final special will be Goff to throw one. Sam Darnold to throw one and under 56 points for the game, last game of the regular season to be top in the NFC.
It's going to be a great one.

Speaker 4 Thank you guys so much for watching week 18. We'll be back next week with Wild Card Weekend.

Speaker 4 Download the app. Use our code

Speaker 4 B-U-R-R. That's Burr.
You put $10 in.

Speaker 4 If the bet loses, you get $1,500 in bonus bets. First touchdown is a player prop bet.
If the player gets the first touchdown, you'll win any game.

Speaker 4 If you don't and they get the second, you'll get your cash cash back. Uh, there you go.
We'll be back next.

Speaker 1 Could they coddle this generation anymore? You get your money back, Paul. When the was that back in the day, betting for the book, yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 two-point conversion, you get your money back, you get a do-over.

Speaker 1 You got the touch,

Speaker 4 imagine you went to Al Capone in Chicago back in the day. No, Al, they said they're gonna give me my money back.

Speaker 1 He would be like that guy in the British Pryor bit.

Speaker 1 You know what he said? He wasn't a money man

Speaker 1 it's his stick up

Speaker 4 what a great bit all right everybody there you go week 18 regular season is over we did it again we'll talk to you guys next week uh paul did it again oops he did it again so did andrew well the show collectively

Speaker 4 the show collectively made money Come on, guys.

Speaker 1 I'm the weak link in the show.

Speaker 2 I don't like this angle. Look at man boobs.

Speaker 1 Oh, now I'm dreamy. You got got to hold it up.
Right? There you go. To the ladies at the fucking,

Speaker 1 what is that stupid fucking yoga place they shop?

Speaker 2 Lululemon.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's go to get some coffees and go to Lululemon.

Speaker 1 Talk about keeping our husbands down.

Speaker 1 You know, we got to get more female listeners on this podcast.

Speaker 4 No, they listen. They like it.

Speaker 3 You know how we can get less is if we start covering the WNBA, we'll probably get less.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 shots fired from Athens, Greece.

Speaker 1 Dude, them asking for the same amount of money with zero ratings in half-filled stadiums has got to be the epitome of female behavior.

Speaker 5 Did you see Kaylin Clark got named female of the year, times female athlete of the year? And then one of the owners goes, the whole league should have been female of the year or something.

Speaker 5 Like, how are they hating on her like that? It's ridiculous.

Speaker 1 They're also juicing her to try to promote the whole league. I don't look at, I don't mind the WNBA.

Speaker 1 Spite a badge, I would be watching, but you know, I don't.

Speaker 4 So, you know, dude, just lower the rim. They can't do it.
It's just, they can't do it.

Speaker 1 No, they're going to be fine, Paul. They're going to be good.
Look, look, look at the UFC. Some of the best fights over the last 12 years have been the women.

Speaker 1 And I remember when they first came in, I was like, I don't want to watch this shit. And then I saw, like, oh my God, they're amazing.
They're going to get better at it, Paul.

Speaker 1 They just haven't been hooping. They've been basketball players.
Dude, now they're playing hoop. You got to get them a chance to catch up.
But the women got to go out and support them.

Speaker 1 And they're not going to do it, Paul, because they don't want to build something. They want to wait till we build it.
And then they show up. How are we to get up for us?

Speaker 1 That's what it is. Here's what I think they do.

Speaker 4 You have a WNBA All-Star Weekend Women's Dunk Contest. You lower the hoop to eight feet and you just have these ponytailed chicks cocking back, yoking it on people.
They'd be nuts.

Speaker 1 But if the dunks aren't good, Paul,

Speaker 1 I would definitely see what they can do first.

Speaker 4 That's true. That's true.

Speaker 3 In seventh grade and gym class, I had a crush with this girl and I remember I saw her do a layup and I thought it looked awkward and I was just like, man, not anymore.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because subconsciously you're like, I don't want to put my seed in that.

Speaker 1 Because I want my kid, I don't want my kid to run like that.

Speaker 3 I was all about procreation in the seventh grade.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Oh, by the way, did you guys see?

Speaker 1 Kenny's always been looking down the road.

Speaker 4 Did you guys see Kenny Pickett do the thing where he held the football and it looked like it weighed him and he just fell forward?

Speaker 4 So I said, I go, I go, this is the white, like I go, I go, only a white guy can manage to do this. And somebody goes, hey, Paul.

Speaker 4 Why not like stop with the racist stuff with white athletes and everything?

Speaker 4 And I'm going, dude, the one white guy who dunked and he held it on and his body flipped over, Daniel Jones tripping over his own feet, Kenny Pickett Kakamaka falling.

Speaker 1 Do you know what the black guy version of that is intercepting the ball, faking out everybody on the field, and then dropping it at the half-yard line?

Speaker 1 That's the only time black athletes act like white guys.

Speaker 4 That's perfect. All right.

Speaker 1 All right. That's it, dude.

Speaker 1 I got to go to the gym.

Speaker 4 See you guys after, man. Enjoy football.
I'll talk to you guys soon.

Speaker 1 All right. Congratulations again on a great season to all of you.

Speaker 1 Thank you for letting letting me hang around with you guys. All right, I'll see you.