Monday Morning Podcast 12-30-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday.
Oh, we're starting up the card. June.
This is going to be like an old school one. Whoever listened to my podcast way back in the day when I had the flip phone, Billy flip phone, coming through, coming through 2007.
I used to drive around or I'd be in an airport making fun of fat people because why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you? If I'm paying for part of your fucking medical bills, I ought to be able to make fun of all of your fucking body. No.
It's the last Monday. It's the last fucking Monday of the year.
And there's something and something. It's the last Monday of the fucking year, 2024.
It's your last opportunity to be like fucking Monday, am I right? In 2024. I don't think anything sums up the day-to-day grind like that expression.
Fucking Monday, am I right? Oh, the fucking caution like gets me every time. I'm going to be driving down the street while I do this.
I was trying to sit outside this fucking coffee shop while I did it. Inicio Coffee.
Deep in the belly. I-N-I-C-I-O.
Coffee. Fantastic place to get a cup of coffee.
Sweetheart behind the register.

And she's an artiste.

What makes her an artiste, Bill?

I'll tell you why.

First of all, sorry, put the sunglasses on.

She can fucking make an espresso.

Espresso.

E-S.

Not E-X.

Espresso.

Listen to that diesel engine there.

The Espresso.

E-S-P-R-E-S-S-O.

We know, Bill.

It's not an Espresso.

It's an Espresso.

It's not Etcetera.

It's Etcetera.

I still remember my English teacher, Mr. Rice,

getting all fucking pissed off, etc.

E-T, and he was fucking jabbing his finger into the blackboard, etc. E.T.
C.E.T. Oh, he was fucking, he was not having it.
He was not having it that day with the etc. Et.
etc. He was a very precise man Very sharp dresser

And he

The cut of his jib

Was the English language

And that motherfucker was not putting up

With that 1980's bullshit

Anyway

So

How I judge a pizza shop

Not a pizza shop, a coffee shop

Is

Is if they can make

Thank you. So, how I judge a pizza shop, not a pizza shop, a coffee shop, is if they can make an espresso.

Alright, if it tastes like burnt beans, like those fucking soulless cunts at Starbucks.

And I don't blame the air quote baristas behind the counter when it comes to Starbucks. No, I do not.
That is not where I put the blame. All right.
It's whoever the fucking CEO is for that company who's recently taken his picture down off the website for reasons that don't need to be discussed. how funny is it that they, wasn't it fun just to watch CEOs be nervous about the future for once? They have all of us cowering.
Is there going to be water? Is there going to be enough money? Will there be food? Is there going to be a third world war? Right? They know all the answers. They have all the answers, right? They're not afraid of any of that shit.
CEOs are not afraid of what we're heading towards because they've covered their own asses. So all of these disasters that are coming to them are not disasters.
You know what they are? They're opportunities. That's how fucking super rich cunts view things.
Everyone from those four dickheads that are on, what is that stupid show everybody watches? Shark Tank. Jesus Christ.
You want to talk about Stockholm Syndrome. The fact that regular people watch the Shark Tank and they have respect for those four people on there.
What are they showing you? All they're showing you is how they take control of your idea and they make the money and you're not going to make any. And for some reason, we're all so beaten down that we're envious of that.
And you aspire to do that?

You want to be in that position someday?

Someday, I'll fucking make all the money off of somebody else's work.

And I'll tell them that they'll make money too before I fuck them in the ass.

Yeah, and then I too will be a shark in that tank.

Also, what about the owner of the Dallas Mavericks? Isn't he kind of a one-hit wonder? I don't know what he did, but he made some money. He hooked up his employees.
He's sort of the asterisk on that show. You know what I mean? He's sort of the lunch Perry, lunch Perry, lunch pale Larry on that show, I feel.
You know what I mean? You know what I like about that's I feel keeps him in bounds is he seems to also like other people people I know like myself basically he I think he has a need to be liked you know what I mean like when he bought the Dallas Mavericks he didn't go in there and look at the players like I own these guys he was like I, I want these guys to be comfortable. I want the locker room to be nice.
I have all of this stuff. Nice weight room.
We're going to fly nice. You know, that comes from a place of empathy and also with, you know, a crushing need to be liked.
I don't know. I'm probably superimposing my own fucking shortcomings onto him.
Anyway, I'll give that guy a pass. All right? But the rest of them, baldy, I don't know.
I guess they're not that bad of people. I'm fucking just so, I'm sort of judging all the CEOs.
I kind of like the blonde chick. Black dudes, all right.
All right, I just went through the whole fucking show. Whatever.
The Shark Tank. I just hate the fucking name of that.
We're fucking sharks. You know what I mean? Like they're getting the octagon.
Well, actually, it's the business octagon. You're leveraging people.
Okay, you're good with money. You make a little bit of money and you apply pressure.
You don't do it physically. okay so stop acting like you're good with money, you make a minimum, a little bit of money, and you apply pressure,

you don't do it physically, okay, so stop acting like you're wearing a leather jacket, are you gonna fucking get over, you dumb cunt, you're fucking gliding into my lane there, I love when you beep at somebody, and then, then you pull up right next to them at the light, you know, and it's like, are they gonna look at me, are they not gonna look at me, You know what I do?

I just keep doing my podcast. And I gesticulate.
And I move my fucking head around like I'm having a good time. Okay? But I don't look at them, so I don't escalate it.
But I'm also passive-aggressively telling them that I'm having a good time. I'm not letting you affect me.
So anyway, getting back to this, um, this coffee shop. Yeah, they make a great espresso.
So then once, you know, whenever I try a new place that's supposed to be good. Okay.
If I go to a shithole in a jam, I just get an iced coffee. Okay? You can get a goddamn...
You can get a fucking orangutan to make you a fucking... To make you a fucking...
An iced coffee that tastes good. All right? Come on.
That's like, you know, you're a bartender. You're making a Jack and Coke.
The fuck is that? Who can't do that? Making old-fashioned. Oh, fuck.
I have to know what the ingredients are. I hate when a drink is called the ingredients.
Let me get a Jack and Coke. You know how to make a Jack and Coke? Well, I didn't, but now you ordered it, so now I do.
Drinks are the only things that I like, right? Can you make me some cornflakes and milk? You don't say that. You say, can you make me a bowl of cereal? Which as an adult, that's an easy thing to do.
But when you're younger, you're like, wait a minute. Okay, here we go.
What are the ingredients again? Sorry, I'm fucking jacked on coffee. You're just going to have to deal with it.
You know, no, you don't have to deal with it. You're in control.
You can shut this fucking thing off. Um, yeah.
So I judge a place that they can make an espresso. Then I move on to the other things.
Right. And that's the thing.
And when I was talking to this woman, she was, she was telling me, uh, it was so good. I asked her what kind of beans beans to use, and she goes, well, if I'm making espresso, I use these beans.
If I'm making a latte, I use these other ones, or a cappuccino. I was like, well, why is that? And she's saying, well, the way these beans are, they got a real nutty flavor, good flavor for an espresso.
They taste good by themselves, but if you mix them with like the steamed milk, they tended to get a little bitter. And then right then, I'm just like, all right, I'm dealing with an artist here.
Okay. And there's a lot of people out there.
They think, you know, a fucking knitted hat and a nose ring makes you a fucking barista. It doesn't.
It's actually having the knowledge. I want to go to

that place. The old time drive-in burgers.
I want to go that place. I want to check it out.

Sorry, I'm driving around here. So anyway, I had the double espresso.
Fucking delish.

The one I just made ain't so nice. But the one I had the other day at that place was fantastic.

So if you're out and about, up there, near the 5 and the 118, up around that way, that's a fantastic cup of coffee. And it's like a mom-and-pop type of place, which I like.
Which I like, which, you know, what made my fucking week. If you didn't see the anything better podcast this week, um, Verzi was telling me how Dave Portnoy, the great Dave Portnoy, the self-made man, Dave Portnoy.
All right. Um, well, these assholes, you know, over the last couple of years tried to make him out like he was this i don't know what meanwhile he's saving all of these small businesses during the pandemic right he's a man he's a man of the people so he told me this story how he went to go get a uh do one of his pizza reviews and he was giving the guy a good review and the guy was you know seemed kind of sad he talked to him he said what's going on with you and the guy said well you know like we're going to be closing.
And Dave was like, well, what's it going to take for you to stay open? He goes, oh, man, I need like 60 grand. And Portnoy was like, done.
Done. Shook the guy's hand and he saved the dude's business.
That's what fucking... Why can't other rich people fucking do that shit? You know, why do you got to have all the fucking money? I don't understand.
I do not fucking understand it. You know, as comedians, we could do benefits.
You know, I got a benefit coming. Oh, look at me.
Oh, what a segue. I got a benefit coming up January 7th out here in LA.
Easiest fucking thing I can do.

Go up, I get to live my dream, doing my act,

I take the fucking door and I give it to, you know,

someone that needs it.

I just wish more people

would be

like that.

And if you were like that,

then the, you know, some Luigi guy's not going to come up and fucking, uh, you know, maybe do something. You know, we over here at All Things Comedy, we did a, uh, we did a couple of good ones this year.
Am I going to pat myself on the back? Did I bring up Dave Portnoy just to talk about myself?

I can't fucking do that.

Man of the people.

Good man.

Good fucking man.

So anyway, and if you show up to one of these benefits that comedians do for people and you buy the ticket, you're a good person.

You're helping out in your own way.

Right?

I think that that's what I want to do on this next tour

is I want to somehow get the message out there

to kind of like, you know,

with these news networks trying to separate us,

we'd be like, hey, you know, we can all fucking help each other out

and think different things.

We can be on different sides

politically. We can accept that.

You know?

And be alright.

Alright, I'm off my fucking tree stump. Billy tree stump.
I had a fucking manly day. All right? For a fucking bald ginger, I had a pretty manly day.
I flew a helicopter. I rode two different motorcycles.
I'm driving my truck, you know? And despite all that, I would still probably lose a fistfight to 90% of the population. But I look good.
Oh, Billy toys. Oh, Billy's got some toys.
He's got some fucking toys. Yes, he does.
Oh, Billy. Billy, you got some toys, huh? You got a motorcycle? You know, you got a fucking truck? You like flying helicopters? Is it filling up the void? I would say in the moment, it does.
In the moment, it fills up the fucking void. It makes you feel good.
Whenever I do any of those things, whenever I drive my old truck, shift on the column, I just break into a grin, and once I get, it's a little three on the tree. And the third green, I always go, whoo! And I can tell you this, I have never done that with an electric car.

I've never done that.

But I have, however, stomped on the fucking, you don't call it the throttle, whatever, the long thing, whatever, the fucking battery thing there.

The battery talker thing at your foot.

What do you call that at this point?

I guess it is.

It's an accelerator, right?

And when I've done that in an electric car,

I've definitely gone, Jesus Christ!

So anyway, plowing ahead here, I am

look, let's be honest, I'm fucking wired

on coffee. I watched my first Patriots game this year.

You know, we got this shit kicked out of us. What are you going to do? Happy for the Chargers.
I'm definitely happy for their coach, Jim Harbaugh, captain comeback. I always loved him as a player.
Loved him as a coach. Loved what he did at Stanford.
Obviously loved what he did at Michigan. That program's back.

And yeah, I wanted the guy to continue to succeed, you know, fucking old school guy. And I also like Justin Herbert.
And I always liked the Chargers. You know, this is what kills me is back in the day before I went to my first football game, you know, I was watching the Patriots.

And the teams that came to Foxborough that I could have seen.

You know, I didn't start going until 81 was the first year. I saw that, you know, if you guys are watching ESPN, the Jets, the SAC Exchange.

I saw that team with Gastineau.

They weren't called the SAC Exchange yet. I saw them in 81.
I don't know how many of them were there. I mean, I think by 82, 83, like that was in full swing.
But Joe Klecko, Mark Gastineau, Abdul Salam, and Marty Lyons. Freeman McNeil.
Who else was on that team? Richard Todd. Wesley Walker.
Was Johnny Lamb Jones on that team? He was somewhere in the NFL. That's when Don Cricky used to do the games all the time.
At least on the New England feed, right? So anyway, I saw this, what do you call it there? What do you call it there? Somebody tweeted highlights of one of my favorite teams of all time, the late 70s, Eric Coriel, Bill Walsh, West Coast offense before he applied it. I think by 1979, I believe he was, yeah, he had gone to Stanford at that time.
Or maybe he had finally come back with the 49ers. I don't know.
But the 1979 San Diego Superchargers came to Foxborough. And I did not go to that game.

I was only 11 years old.

I didn't have the money to go or the means to get there.

I guess I could have taken the train out that way.

But it kills me that that was going on.

And I could have gone out there and seen Dan Fouts, Kellen Winslow, John Jefferson.

That's a name everybody needs to know. Okay? Everybody, you Everybody, if you know your football history, they remember Jerry Rice.
And Jerry Rice was the greatest wide receiver of all time throughout his era. And now, all of these years later, you can still argue and put him up against Randy Moss and all the guys that came after, right?

But before him, before him, a guy that has skipped over a lot is John Jefferson. And unfortunately, he took the money and went to Green Bay.
And I swear to God, John Jefferson and James Lofton actually played on the same team.

They just didn't have an offensive line in the right quarter.

I think it was Lynn Dickey, but they were two of the greats of their era. But John Jefferson, in my opinion, was the Jerry Rice before Jerry Rice came along.
And one of my earliest memories, he's one of the first guys that had the goggles. It was him, Joe Washington, and then Eric Dickerson probably made them the most famous, the Kareem Glasses, right? At least in football.
And that offense was fucking incredible. And one of the coolest stats ever was the strike-shortened season, the year that the Redskins won it.
I know, I'm going fucking, I'm like doing the sports version of Comic-Con right now. The strike- season of, I want to say, 82.
They only played eight games, I believe. And there was a guy, Wes Chandler.
He filled in for John Jefferson. And he went to, he was playing in San Diego with Dan Fouts and Bill Walsh's West Coast offense, Eric Coriel.
Oh, my God. And he went to frigid Lambeau with no quarterback.
And he just literally fell off the face of the earth. Like, they just stopped talking about him, you know? It's like Cano when he went from the Yankees to the Mariners.
I know I fucking jumped sports there, but you know what I'm trying to say here. So anyways, the guy that came in and replaced John Jefferson was a guy, Wes Chandler.
And that offense was so fucking high powered. And you got so many touches.
And this was unheard of. I know nowadays they can do it, but back then it just was unheard of.
In that strike shortened season, I remember I had the football card. Wes Chandler still had like 1,200 yards.
And I want to say he was the only guy that got over 1,000 yards that year, which was insane because he basically played half a fucking season. It was essentially what OJ did when he ran for 2,000 yards, but he did it in a 14-game season.
I don't know. Somebody was trying to say that they might add an 18th game.
How fucking nuts is that? Like, at that point, like, so many of the records, like, what are you going to say? Somebody's going to break Eric Dickerson's single-season rushing record playing two more games, but I guess they gave it to him when he played two more games than OJ. You know, 16 games versus 14.
And then where do you stand on the 72 Dolphins? The last undefeated team, they went 17-0. Now, 17-0, you're just, you still have to win three more games.
You got to go 20-0 to duplicate what they did. So I don't think that's fair for nowadays, but I also don't think it's fair to the Dolphins to, you know, the only reason why they only went 17-0 is because that's all they had to win.
Like, who knows? They could have gone 18-0. They could have gone 19.
They could have lost. Who the fuck knows? I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know these things.
I don't pretend to know these things.

So anyway, yesterday I took the family out. We went to the mall.
We went to the mall on a Sunday night, right? Went to the Grove over there on Fairfax. And I got to tell you, I couldn't fucking believe it.
I'm thinking like, all right, it's after Christmas. Nobody's going.
Fucking place was packed.

Annoying.

Annoy was packed. Annoying, annoyingly packed.
And I'm watching people still buying shit, I guess because people get gift cards. I don't know what the fuck it is.
I really, I really, I don't understand. I just really do not understand what the fuck was going on.
It was like Christmas Eve, you know? And we were going to sit down at this fucking restaurant. It was like an hour-long wait.
And we finally were just like, you know what? Fuck this. We're not doing this shit.
And we just went out and we got Chinese food. And the kids sat down.
And by then I was fucking starving.

And I'd just fucking shout all the appetizers.

But, like, it's funny, man.

Just watching people walk around, you know.

Because I've been thinking this thing, you know, for a while now.

That, you know, the age that I'm at, you know, I want to start dressing more like a fucking adult finally.

You know, and I saw a guy like my age.

And I know he caught me staring at him. But, you know, I wasn't, like, staring at him in a bad way I was seeing myself in him And this guy was just sort of stuck in time With his fashion It was kind of fucking hilarious I don't think he was as old as me It's hard to tell, because a lot of people, you know they just sort of let the body go, right? This guy was like, it's funny.
You ever see these guys? It's like, wait a minute. Did your wife have four kids or did you? Like, what is going on, right? What's going on, right? So he had this fucking giant belly.
Looked like an old school MLB umpire. So he's got this big fucking belly.
And then he's wearing those stupid shorts. Remember those shorts from the nineties that almost went down to your ankles, but the way they cut them, they were still recognized as shorts rather than just sort of oversized Michael Jackson pants.
Yeah, so he's got these fucking things.

He's got these big pants, see?

He's got these pants, see?

And then he's got like an oversized sweatshirt.

And then he's got like this fucking baseball hat on.

The straight bill.

But like, you know, when they, the West Coast thing where they bend him up.

Still wearing the hat that way. Stupid fucking 90s tattoos and shit.
And I'm just looking at the guy. And I'm like, look at that guy.
That guy, he's a father. He is teenage.
His kids are in their teenage years. And he's probably been married like 20 fucking years.
And he's still walking around dressed the same way he probably dressed the first night he took his wife out. It's fucking hilarious.
He had a fucking wallet chain. His fucking wallet.

The goddamn shorts

were so fucking baggy

like his wallet's behind his knee.

It's probably the only exercise he gets

is taking that wallet in and out.

And I'm just looking at this shit being like

that's a dad.

Right?

We gotta do better.

And I'm part of the fucking problem.

I'm still wearing jeans and sweatshirts, right? I dress like Malcolm Young on a cold day. So, I actually ran into this guy.
I was smoking a cigar. I only got one more day of smoking.
Today and tomorrow I can smoke and then I got to do another hundred days. I love that my daughter makes me do that.
Um, so I got to go another hundred days. That's just, just the deal we have.
So like then when I smoke for like a month, as many as I want and, uh, she doesn't give me shit. And then I just, I go another hundred days and we get along great.
So I don't get the dirty fucking looks.

Anyway.

What am I trying to say here?

Yeah, so I ran to this guy.

He had just cool cigar smoking guy.

He's got a nice suit and tie and all of that shit.

I start talking to him.

Turns out he's in haberdash.

I was like, you know what? I might buy a couple of that shit. I start talking to him.
Turns out he's in Haberdash. I was like, you know what?

I might buy a couple of fucking suits. Remember how dads used to dress casual wear? They still had like a fucking sport coat on.
I mean, he used to fucking wear a suit to a baseball game. I mean, I think that's overdoing it.
Especially with the global warming there. anyway

so that's kind of what I got going on here. I think I've talked enough where I can do the questions, but I can't do them when I'm driving.
You know, no distracted driving. So I'm going to fucking shut this off for two seconds and I'm going to be at my destination, hopefully.
And then I'm going to, yeah, you know, I'm going to fucking answer some questions here. All right.
Hang on a second. All right.
And with the magic of the edit button, I am back and I'm ready to do some goddamn reads. All right.
First one up. Oh, look who it is.
Oh my God, this is such a manly advertisement.

Harley-Davidson, everybody. Thank you to our sponsor, Harley-Davidson, the king of them all.
The Cadillac of motorcycles, in my opinion, and a lot of other people's opinions. I have the new Road Glide CVO.
I got it in black. It's got the old school Harley Davidson, like how they used to paint the gas tanks in the early 70s.
It looks way more badass than I am. I feel like such a badass when I'm on it.
I don't call it a bike. It's my horse.
It's like a fucking Clydesdale. I absolutely fucking love that bike.
I will never get rid of that bike. When I get too old to ride, I will just have it in my garage with a folding chair next to it and I will just sit and look at it.
Even just sitting there, how badass that bike looks. I haven't even put new pipes on All right.
I want to have like the perfect loud enough that it's not obnoxious, but I want to, I want to have some pipes on it that makes it seem like I know how to fight, you know? Um, the fucking stereo is killer. It's got the chopped fairing.
It looks so fucking badass and I look like a badass on it. That's how badass the bike is.
All right. That bike looks so badass that even when I get on it, the badassness of it does not dip.
It raises me up to the bike's level. There you go, Harley.
Was that enough? Is that enough to talk about it? I plan on doing some rides coming up before I'm off to New York. I want to do a ride up to Ojai.
I like riding the, I don't know, San Gabriel's out here. I just go into the hills.
I stay away from the traffic. The bike is awesome, but people in cars are not.
So I go during the weekday, man. I get like three miles of exposure with other people.
And then I'm in. And I swear to God, it's just so like it's meditative.
It's just like flying a helicopter where, you know, you got to be paying attention to what you're doing. OK.
And people think that that's stressful. It isn't.
It clears your mind. You're just out there.
And then what happens after a while is you and the machine become one. And then you got the muscle memory and you're just doing stuff.
And then you can actually start taking in your surroundings. I don't think you can do that on a bike though.
I don't think you can ever fully take in your surroundings without checking both your mirrors first and making sure you're not in a turn. Then you can take in your electronics.
Anyway, if you ever dreamed of having the feeling of freedom on two wheels but didn't know where to start, let me tell you about the Harley-Davidson Riding Academy. And this is huge for people.
There's so many people who, you know, their parents wouldn't let them ride bicycle, bicycles, motorcycles, dirt bikes, and shit. So you feel like you can't do it now.
You can't. That's what I did.
I just took a motorcycle safety course, and that was great. Forget about taking it at Harley-Davidson.
This is amazing. Their expert instructors will guide you every step of the way.
You'll go from what's a clutch to confidently cruising the streets like a pro. The new year is right around the corner.
Make this the year you learn to ride. This is one resolution you'll be glad you made.
Dude, it's the shit. It's the shit.
I can tell you that, man. I've never regretted getting my motorcycle license.
I can't say enough about it. It's playing drums, flying helicopters, riding motorcycles.
It's what life is about. All right? Don't fucking sit there binge watching a series.
Get out there and do something on your bike. Visit HarleyDavidson.com slash Bill Burr to sign up for the Harley Davidson Riding Academy, which allows you to learn how to ride a motorcycle and get your license.
That's, uh, I'll even get your license. That's going to be the best part.
You're going to do the whole driving part there. Um, then all you have to do is just, you know, read the book a couple of times, fucking get that shit down and go in in, take your license, and you're off your going.
All right? That's harleydavidson.com slash billburr. That's it.
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All right, Now it is time to get into the reads for the week there.

All right. Now it is time to get into, get into the, uh, the reads for the week there.
Um, all right. This is where you guys write in.
You ask me questions. You ask for advice.
So you just give me shit. All right.
Dear Glenn Gary, Glenn bald. It was sad and pathetic to hear you were looking under your car with your cell phone flashlight.
Oh yeah. I had an issue with my Jag.
The engine light came

on. So I pulled over and that's what I was using.
He goes, I'm surprised that a practical incompetent man, a pilot no less, does not have a proper flashlight in the car. What the fuck, man? Please get your shit together.
You should have at minimum one flashlight and for good measure, or maybe a headlamp also. Merry Christmas.
Jesus, this guy is setting the standard of being a man pretty fucking high. Sir, let me tell you something about having ADD.
You can have a flashlight. You can have a fucking office light in there.
Within fucking two minutes of putting in your car, you're going to forget it's there. All right.
I'm in my truck right now and I have a little pilot flashlight thing here. And guess what it is? Guess what? I can't find the fucking thing.
I don't know where they go. People fucking take them and shit.
You know what I mean? But you know, I also live in Los Angeles. If I lived out in the middle of fucking nowhere, you know what I mean? What am I going to do? I'm going to go under the car and then what? Start fixing the fucking thing? The iPhone flashlight is pretty fucking handy.
You know what I mean? Should I also have a camera with a telephoto lens? And not just use the camera on my fucking cell phone? It fucking works. It's fine.
It's fine. I also have

AAA and I live in a, I live in a metropolis. I don't live in the middle of nowhere, but I get it.
I know what you're saying. I'll put it this way.
Back in the day when I was young, I'm not a kid anymore. When I had a piece of shit for a fucking truck, I had a NASCAR level jack behind the little bench seat.
I also had a piece of pipe, you know, in case anybody was going to fucking try to kill me. Or I had a, you know, guns weren't fucking legal in Massachusetts.
You couldn't get your license to fucking travel with it, I don't think, back then. And also, I'm a fucking idiot.
I'm not getting a gun. You can't be a fucking idiot and get a gun, although that doesn't stop a lot of people.
But I also used that pipe. I had it for like, you know, leverage so I could get the lug nuts off.
Okay. And I had a flashlight.
I had the cop flashlight. I had all of these things, sir.
All right. But now I am super fucking busy and I have a flashlight on my fucking phone.
And I don't know. I had one of those little ones, one of those little things.
It was right here. I don't know where the fuck it went, but I can tell you, guess what? It worked fine.
And I was able to ascertain that there was no fluid coming out. So I was within a mile of my house.
I fucking drove home. I called the garage the next day.
You know, I watched the temperature the whole way over. I mean, I may, I did what I could and it got fixed.
And guess what? Turned out it was a faulty oxygen sensor, whatever the fuck that means.

But I know what you're saying.

I should have one in here, but I don't.

But I don't.

I have one in my helicopter.

Does that make you feel good?

When I am flying, I have one.

But I know what you're saying.

I should have that.

I should have a better fucking jack. I should have, you know.
I should have that. I should have a better fucking

jack. I should have, you know, I should have a lot of things, sir.
So you gave me, you gave me

the shit I deserved. All right.
Your next special. Hey, Billy Benefits, the platform your next

special is coming up on is only available in the US. As one of many loyal fans from outside the

States, I'm curious if I'll be able to watch it elsewhere. Yeah, eventually they're going to...
It'll play for one month on Hulu and then they're going to open it up nationally or I get the rights to do it. I forget.
My lawyers handled that. If I happen upon it in a pirated forum, should I watch it or should I hunt down the motherfucker who's taking bread off your table? Well, I already got paid for it, but you'd be taking it off of Hulu.
So I wouldn't try to fuck Hulu right now because Hulu is great for our business because we need Coke and Pepsi, not just Coke, if you know what I mean. These are the things that keep me up at night.
Love you and your family. It'll be available internationally after a month.
I believe it will. I'll check with them again.
And I appreciate the fact that you don't want to watch it pirated. But I'm very excited for people to see this special.
This might be this might be my best one. That's my opinion.
I had the most most fun've had doing it. And Ben Tishler, who helped me direct Old Dads and co-wrote Old Dads and now has completed the next script with me, he's the one who directed it and he did an absolutely amazing job.
So I will keep you guys posted. I'll actually, you know, when people get back from the break, I'll get you some information on where you can watch it internationally.
But I'm assuming that they're going to, well, wait a minute. Why would they give a fuck? If you can't get Hulu over there where you're at, they probably have an international option in your country.
I'm assuming. I don't know, but I wouldn't worry about it.
You'll definitely be able to see it. All right.
Being honest about Santa backfire. Oh boy.
Um, to give a little background on this, I was telling him how I hate the fucking lie of Santa Claus. I hate the whole pressure to do that.
And you know, and now they've moved it on to like elf on a shelf, which kind of freaked the kids out because they're sort of alive at not at night, but they're not during the day. And're just sort of sitting there.
It's very Chucky, in my opinion. My daughter actually didn't want them to come this year.
Then she was like, maybe I do. So we just said, fuck it.
And then she was like, how come they didn't show up? And we said, because Santa said they were sick. I mean, the lies, you know, oh, the tangle web you weave.
Being honest about Santa backf. So this person, I guess, was honest.
Dear Billy Bloodnut, I'm sorry for being one of those parents giving out advice, but I fucked up one year and I still feel bad about it. My daughter would ask me questions about everything.
And kids are so smart these days, you just can't bullshit them. Like our parents did.
So when my daughters came to me all serious, asking me confidently, Santa's not real, is he? Misreading the situation and thinking I'm having a real moment with my beautiful daughter, I confirmed she was right. Oh no.
Looking up at me with her big eyes fixed on mine, I saw the moment her heart broke.

And she replied, what?

Of course, I immediately tried to make out like I was joking.

Oh my God.

But it was out there.

If you can imagine how much of a piece of shit I felt like.

Then her mother, with good reason, tore the shreds off of me.

I was bluffed by my seven-year-old. What a fucking moron.
Well, I mean, she's seven. My daughter already knows there's no tooth fairy.
The Easter bunny's next. They go with the most ridiculous lie, which is really a toss-up when it comes to the tooth fairy and the fucking, um, the rabbit, you know? Anyway, uh, my highly intelligent slash coolest fuck daughter is now in her twenties covered in tattoos and piercings.
I think I did that shit. Oh God.
Uh, seriously. Thanks for giving us a good laugh each week for all of these years and you deserve all your success and happiness coming your way.
What a nice person. Thank you.
Yeah, I don't think I don't think that that made her do that shit. Piercing and tattoos.
I mean, that's like just getting a fucking shirt nowadays with these these goddamn kids. All right.
What else do we got here? What else have we got? What else we got? are old people too soft? How's it going, Billy Bonobo balls? B-O-N-O-B-O balls? I don't know what that means. Greeting from Switzerland.
All right, I'll have to look up Bonobo. As someone who's a bit younger than you, most people are these days, wanted to ask you about something that gets on my nerves regularly.
Old people. I understand that with all the modern technology and the digital stuff nowadays, it's hard to keep up.
But recently, my aunt was freaking out about the TV because she didn't know how to switch channels. I know for a fact that you old folk have had TVs and remotes before I was even born, and I feel like all the bitching and moaning about modern technology is getting out of hand.
Oh, do you? You think it's getting out of hand? You don't think technology is getting out of hand with all this AI stuff that's clearly going to replace us? They're just going to have robots doing all the work and then we won't have money to buy what they're making.

So then what do you do?

And people are like, oh, they're going to give us a stipend.

They're going to pay us to do nothing.

To just sit at home, bored out of our minds, buying shit.

First of all, do you want to live that life?

Okay, whatever.

You know, you're younger.

You have a different perspective.

You grew up with it so it doesn't freak you out.

So maybe I'm overreacting.

Maybe you're a little too trusting.

Thank you. life.
Okay, whatever. You know, you're younger.
You have a different perspective. You grew up with it, so it doesn't freak you out.
So maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe you're a little too trusting.

Who knows? I hope you're right. Anyway, he said, I think learning the basic functions of a smartphone isn't this Herculean task and that the older generation who always tells us to toughen up

should just get over it, especially when I've explained it to them 20 times already. All right, two things on that.
One, I think you're making a good point. And then secondly, you also have to understand that like with every time they do like a new upgrade, you know,, the system upgrades, a lot of the stuff changes, like where the button is, how you did it.
So we sort of, at our age, are just sort of memorizing how to do it, and that's how we learned. You know what I mean? And when you learned how to do something, if you were interacting with whatever you learned, once you learned it, you had it down.
Like if you learned how to drive a stick shift, you didn't plug your car in and then there was a new update. And then all of a sudden the, the, the, the throttle was on the side where the clutches and vice versa.
So that's what becomes frustrating is, is you learn these things and then I'm just speaking for me. And then also they're not interesting to us.
Because we actually grew up interacting with life in life rather than this sort of like virtual world of the Internet and stuff like that. So I like, I still find like driving my old truck is way more thrilling and way more in a live feeling than driving down the street in an electric car with a giant iPad with all of this fucking information and all of this shit.
Like, like I'm trying to drive from here to Siberia. I don't understand that stuff, but I also get that, um, you know, these things are here and we should have a better attitude about them.
But I will say though, like the remote control, it isn't just switching channels. The remote that we had, you got the remote.
That was the fucking remote. And the remote had an on-off button and an up-down button.
Channel up, channel down. That was fucking it.
You weren't going from all of these different streaming services and the guide and the search and typing and doing all of this stuff. I mean, they're pretty fucking involved.
There wasn't three different remote controls. It's gotten pretty complex.
And I will say the older you get, you're tired. All right? We raised you.
Raising a kid is fucking exhausting. It doesn't even make sense.
You're just fucking tired all the time because even when you're not interacting with them, you're sort of like idling with this worry. You know, I drop them off at school.
I worry. Oh my God, is, you know, they're going to go fight today.
Is somebody going to pick on them? They're going to have a good time. Am I doing the right things? Did I spend enough time with them on the weekend? I mean, it never ends.
It really never ends. So like someday when you have kids, like I'll be honest with you, like it takes up a lot of bandwidth to use your words.
But I also think that what you said, you should man up and learn to interact with these things.

I think that's a great thing to be like, wait a minute, I thought your generation was tougher than mine. You know what I mean? You raised yourselves, you had your keys and whatever, and all you need is a little fucking clicker and you can't deal with buttons.
That overwhelms you. I think that that would relight the pilot light in a lot of us older people.
But I think you made some great points there. Kind of inspired me to quit bitching and maybe learn how to do some of these things.
All right. Continuing on.
How much time have I babbled here? All right. This might be a little short today.
I got shit to do. As always.
All righton. Hey, Billy the Baker, I recently started baking partly inspired by you.
It's great, dude. That's a fucking great thing to do.
It's another thing. You really have to pay attention.
It's very precise and it gets you out of your head. Anyway, you were talking about pumpkin bread on the podcast and it's been a blast.
Well, I mentioned wanting a new apron recently, and my wife had this designed for me for Christmas. Thought you might appreciate it.
I'm holding a brioche loaf I baked Christmas Eve for blueberry stuffed French toast Christmas morning. Highly recommend it.
You know what? For some reason, I don't have the picture. I imagine it's on your apron.
You know what really upset me was my kids. I made a Dutch baby, German pancake, whatever you call it for them.
And I wanted to add blueberries because I squeezed lemon and butter on top of it. And lemon and and, uh, blueberries go to go really well together and butter.
You know what I mean? It's almost like the pie fillings on top and I made it for them and they didn't like it. They're like, we like the older one and all that.
So I think I need a better recipe. And then also I never eat it cause I don't eat sweets and all of that shit.
You put powdered sugar on it and stuff, right? So I ended up eating it so it wouldn't go to waste.

But I might try one, an apple cinnamon one, which I think they might like.

But I also think I would have to, like apples really need to bake for a while.

I don't know that 20 minutes would be enough.

But I'm going to look that up.

There's a couple things.

I want to make homemade biscuits.

I want a good breakfast burrito, um, uh, recipe. And then, yeah, I want to, I want to sort of zhuzh up the, uh, the, uh, the Dutch baby stinks.
Cause I'm getting tired of just making like the plain one but my kids fucking love it they absolutely love it

so anyway

that is the, alright I'm going to stop there

that is the podcast

I'm looking forward to NFL playoffs coming up

it's pretty wild

some of the stuff

that happened yesterday, how about

two days ago, how about Joe Burrow

you know, his field goal kicker was just having

I'm going to do it ourselves. And he went right down the field, beat the Broncos in overtime.
That was a phenomenal game. The Patriots wasn't such a great game.
My dumbass bet against Baker Mayfield. I knew he was going to score some points, but I thought they'd take him out of the game.
I didn't see any of the game because I don't have the package anymore, but I swear to God. Doesn't look like they took him out of the game at all.
Jesus Christ. Was it 48-10 or 16? They kicked the shit out of him.
Congratulations to the Vikings going 14-2. I'm going to be rooting for them, rooting for the Lions.
And then you got the mainstay. You got the Kansas City Chiefs.
Can anybody knock them off the block? It's going to be a lot of fun. Definitely looking forward to that.
And I'm almost off book for Glengarry. I still got a month before we even start the play.
So I'm pretty excited about that. And, you know, I was grinding this last few months, so I didn't fly, I ride a motorcycle in a while.
So it was a really fun thing to do this morning. Um, um, whatever count my blessings here.
And it's because you guys listen to my stuff, you watch my specials and you come out to my shows and I really, really appreciate it because I'm able to provide an amazing life for my lovely wife and kids.

So thank you.

Thank you for another great year.

Happy New Year to all of you.

And of course, as always, go fuck yourselves.

I'll check in on you on Thursday in 2025.