Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-26-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm checking in on you.
I tried to make it the holiday season podcast. I don't know.
I tried to infuse it and it didn't work what are you gonna do what are you gonna do it didn't work just like your ex-wife didn't work bonjour bonsoir bon pre-midi tout le monde je m'appelle guillaume et and I'm so happy because I have a good Christmas. You guys have a good Christmas? I had a great Christmas.
I had a great Christmas. It wasn't done.
It was perfect. I've got to tell you this cute story.
When I was a little boy, un petit garçon, un petit garçon, un petit garçon rouge, très rouge, trop rouge, trop rouge? Ah, oui, trop rouge. C'est un autre.
I was faced with a Sophie's Choice when I was a kid.

And this is probably how I ended up being a comedian.

The trauma of this.

I was in a department store back in Massachusetts.

And my mother was getting me some new pajamas.

And she brings me over to the pajamas section. She said, pick out the pajamas you want.
And I'm scanning the pajamas. And the first thing I see is the Bugs Bunny stuff.
And I love Bugs Bunny, right? And they had Bugs Bunny playing basketball and Bugs Bunny playing football. And I was like, oh, like I loved football from the time I remember watching TV.
And like when I was a little kid, I didn't know they were wearing pads. So I thought their shoulders were that big.
I thought they were these little, like these, not little, I thought they were like these fucking hulks just slamming into each other. Interestingly enough, right as I was about ready to pick Bugs Bunny playing football.

You know, the old school leather helmet on and he was holding the football, running for a touchdown. Nobody near him, right? He could go all the way, right? And I look to the left and what do I see? I see Hulk pajamas.
And the Hulk is built like the football players. I don't know, like they're wearing, I didn't know what they're wearing pads.
So I'm like, I'm looking at him and he's green and he's shredded and he's fucking angry and it's green. And I've always loved green.
So I was going, I couldn't make up my mind. So I said, Ma, Ma, come over here! Oh, I was young.
Ma! Ma, come over here! Um, you know, I wanted both. Could I get both? And she said, no! Because it was the 70s, and that's a word kids heard a lot.
She was like, no, you, she's like, I'm gonna do some more shopping, and another thing and other thing you just leave your kids right I'm gonna fucking pick how every kid was not abducted in the 70s is just fucking beyond me so she walks away in a department store so me and my brother are standing there he's trying to figure out what he wants and I cannot make up my mind I am agonizing agonizing and I just couldn't make up my mind. I am agonizing, agonizing, and I just couldn't make up my mind, and I finally, I chose Bugs Bunny playing football because I love football, and I love Bugs Bunny.
I love the Hulk too, but there was two things that I loved or whatever, and I grabbed the, I finally, she said, come on, we got to go, pick one. So I reached for Hulk, and then went over and grabbed Bugs Bunny, handed it to her.
And then she took me by my arm the way they used to. Your first separated shoulder is your mother giving you the let's go tug.
So she's pulling me out. And as we're walking away, I'm looking over my shoulder, sad, looking at the Hulk pajamas.
And every time I wore the Bugs Bunnies. I love them, but I always thought about the Hulk pajamas and I never got them all right so here we are fucking 50 years later I told that story to my daughter because she was going through something where she wanted something you know you know then she had to make a choice or And it brought me back to that moment.
And what I always do whenever my kids are going through some stuff is rather than talk to them about them, I talk, I tell them a story of when I was going through the same thing. Like if they, if they have to do like a performance at school and they're nervous, uh, I go, of course you're nervous.
I always get nervous right before I go on on stage and then my daughter's like you do yeah yeah my stomach's in knots I'm hoping it's gonna go well but then once I get out there I have so much fun and then when it's over I feel great I feel proud about myself because I went up and I did it right I do stuff like that or like if my kids feel and sad I just sort of clock that and a few days later I'll know, I'll just sort of work in how I was sad today. And, you know, it makes them feel like it's all right to have all these emotions.
Right. So what were you sad about that? Well, you know, I was thinking about some friends that I lost and haven't seen in a while and blah, blah, blah, blah, and whatever.
Right. So anyway, I related that story to her.
I forget what the heck she was dealing with she had like a something about sports something about soccer she had to make a choice right and i could see it was bugging her so i told her that story right and about how sometimes you know you don't get everything but if you get something that's still great right so i tell her that story and guess what she got me for for Christmas at 56 years of age? I got Hulk pajamas. Now, granted, no offense to Comic-Con people.
Comic-Con people, I am way too old for that shit, right? But it was the gesture that she did. And I made sure I told her that night.
I said in the hallway, I said, sweetheart, I go, you just made a childhood dream come true. Thank you so much.
She just broke out ear to ear grin and gave me a big hug. And I was thinking, there you go.
That's my Christmas right there. So look at that.
Usually a gloom and doom podcast. I started off with a nice story that I like to think in my own egomaniac fucking skull that you guys all just went,

aww. I started off with a nice story that I like to think in my own egomaniac fucking skull that you guys all just went.
But I know it was a lot of you damaged fuck were like, oh, Billy fucking pussy tits or whatever. And I don't take that personally.
And whenever somebody says something like that to me, all I hear is the lack of hugs in your childhood. Or if you're just Irish, like you just, it's, you're born with it.
Before, before somebody doesn't love you, before you don't get the hugs, before your dad spends the weekly paycheck down in the pubs, doing some Angela, Angela's ashes shit, right? You just, They're just fucking born with it.

The Irish people are simultaneously my favorite people

and the most miserable cunts I've ever met in my life.

I wouldn't even say that.

I would say the English are.

You know what I mean?

Because at least the Irish still have something to go for.

It's like the English are there and they were there and it just didn't fill them up. And now they're just cunts, right? And it always blows my mind how...
The English are like the... That's like the English are the European version of American New Yorkers.
Like American New Yorkers, they just think they fucking know everything. They think where they live is the be-all, end-all, and their shit doesn't fucking stink.
It's very relatable. Whenever I go over to England, right, it's so funny, they always say, Roy, what's this out of guns, mate? Do you understand it? Why are you called football? They always fucking, you know, you don't use your feet, you use your hands.
You You use your hands. Like they think they're the first person that ever fucking said that.
Every time you go over there and it's, well, what's with the guns, mate? It's fucking crazy over there. Right? At least that's what they sound like to me.
All right. They all sound high pitchy Ricky Gervais to me.
Um, so, and I always want to look at me and just be like, what do you mean? What the fuck happened over here? You started what happened over here. The fuck did you come over to America with, with your ships? You come over with a bunch of flowers? You didn't.
You came over with cannons and muskets and all those other fucking long guns, right? So musket, the pistol back then, the Bugs Bunny one that flared out and he just fucking shot metal at people. You guys started this shit over.

You guys, the French and the Spaniards.

And then all these years later, after you set the fucking tone over here,

you wonder why it still exists.

You're like the abusive parent who then just blames it.

I don't know why he's so angry about it.

He used to be a happy kid.

Yeah, and then I had you as a parent. and that went out the fucking window, didn't it? Anyway, yeah, if you don't understand America, that's because you live in a fucking country where it's all you, basically.
It's all you. And then there's a little bit not you.
And do you get along with them? Do they feel welcome in your country? They don't. That's our entire country.
Our entire country is a bunch of fucking people that weren't from here. Our ancestors were not fucking from here.
There's all these different teams. And we have CNN and Fox News to make sure we all fucking hate each other every goddamn week.
All right? And there you go. This country was stolen.
We're driving a hot car over here. And you don't know when the cops are showing up.
So everybody's fucking strapped. That's what's going on here.
And it's been going on so long, you're not going to fucking stop it. So enough with the stupid fucking questions.
Why do you use your hands in football? Because soccer is boring. No, it isn't.
It's a beautiful game. It's a beautiful fucking game if it's not played here.
But if it's played here by Mexicans, then it's beautiful. But they're from a country, or at least their ancestors are, if they're native to this country, that appreciates that fucking game.
Because it's a gorgeous game. Here's another question I have for the English.
I don't understand why you're so into fucking racing. Why you're so into high performance and all of that, you know? It's like, what's that? That Top Gear show? And that old cunt on there is always making fun of American cars and technology, which I totally get.
But then you go out and you buy an English car. It's the biggest piece of shit you're ever going to, like the Range Rover engine, that's the best you can fucking do? You buy a Range Rover, you just

fuck piece of shit you're ever going to, like the Range Rover engine, that's the best you can fucking do? You buy a Range Rover, you just fucking married the Lemon Law here in the United States. And that's your idea of a luxury fucking SUV.
You guys ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Anytime they have that fucking F1 race or the MotoGP race over in England, they're, oh my God, this legendary.
Oh, this is Lewis Hamilton's favorite fucking place.

I guarantee you what Lewis Hamilton doesn't drive,

a fucking Jaguar or a Range Rover.

He's got a Mercedes.

I'm sure he's got something Italian.

100 fucking percent.

All I can say is thank God the English don't make planes.

They'd be going down left and right now.

I love you. fucking percent.
All I can say is thank God the English don't make planes. They'd be going down left and right now.
Right, you fucking cunt. They all got Rolls-Royce engines in them.
Rolls-Royce people. There's always an exception to the rule.
They're the Larry Bird, the inexplicable, uncoordinated fucking white guy that can somehow play at the NBA level. That's what Rolls Royce is.
Everything else is fucking garbage. Your Triumphs, your fucking Jaguars, your fucking Range Rovers, garbage.
They look good. Right.
Fucking brilliant. Pretty to look at.
Pretty to look at as you drive it to the fucking mechanic. Anyway, there we go.
That ought to rile up some fucking pasty cunts over there. Anyway, plowing ahead here.
I had a great fucking Christmas. Shout out to Amazon drivers on strike.
I like what you're doing. I like what you're doing.
Enough with these fucking internet nerds taking over the fucking world. And then on top of that, not paying anybody.
You fucking stay on strike. You stay on strike.

Fucking. What's it like to drive a truck like a man working for somebody who fucking,

you know, walks around in feet pajamas. It's got to be terrible.
Anyway, plowing. I'm in my new podcast studio has been my car lately.
I'm sitting in my car like a fucking maniac. And what the best thing is, is I'm such a loud jerk off that even when people walk by, even with the windows up, they think I'm in an argument, you know, with my significant other,

whatever that might be in this day and age.

But, you know, that's not the case.

That's not the case.

I had a great Christmas.

Everything is wonderful.

The Patriots have a quarterback now.

I saw some of the highlights of the Bills game.

You know, I don't have the NFL package this year.

So all I'm seeing is the Rams and the Chargers. And I just saw the highlights.
You know, we had a bad little play in the end. Gave him a fucking touchdown.
But, you know, Drake May. Drake May.
We can build around this guy. I believe in this guy.
And the Pats, you know, slowly but surely are going to come back. And I actually believe that they're going to be coming back.
Whereas as a kid, I always knew, hey, if we just get the wild card, I was happy just because that's where we were. And then came a guy named Robert Kraft.
And that guy has gone three for three with coaches. I mean, the three greatest coaching hires right in a row by any owner.
Bill Parcells. Okay, we'll give him that one.
Everybody already knew he was a fucking legend, but he was able to get him. And then we go to Pete Carroll.
Woo! Pete Carroll. The fucking khaki king himself, right? Woo! Still running up and down the stairs.
Don't let that Flanders vibe fool you. That guy was fucking an alpha.
Dressed in fucking, I go to church every week, clothing. And then he hires the one and only, the Paul Brown of today, Bill Belichick.
Fucking incredible. So I'm believing in everything.
And I'm very excited that, uh, you know, rough couple of years, whatever, rough couple of years, I can shake that off. I had a rough couple of decades.
Hey, it was rough before all of that shit happened. So, um, I'm very excited where, uh, where they are at.
And, uh, I'm also excited to have time off. I'm excited that the script is handed in now I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting for the feedback you know we're handing in this is fucking great and then every second that I don't hear the feedback I'm like wait a minute is it not oh the doubt the doubt is fucking creeping in.
Anyway, I had my nine millionth meltdown about what I consider to be arguably the biggest lie in America in the 20th century. Like if you had to think, what is the biggest lie? Okay.
You're probably going Federal Reserve magic bullet theory. You know, we didn't see the entire Japanese Navy coming across the fucking ocean.
I mean, then you can go like fucking conspiracy. That is a lot of that is conspiracy.
That's all conspiracy. What am I talking about? But the newer conspiracies, 9-11, inside job, fucking lizard people.

There's aliens that we're already fucking in business with.

Can you imagine seeing this fucking place as an alien?

You're like, yeah, I can do something with that.

Can you imagine that?

I mean, why would you think that other than this is the only planet around that seems like it's got some shit going on. I mean, the only reason why I think the fucking aliens would stop here is because there's some hulas.
Other than that. We've got some good music, too.
Some nice weather. But I don't know what they breathe, right? That's what gets me about these fucking aliens.
They just show up and they can breathe in our atmosphere. Why am I afraid of a fucking alien if all I gotta do is just rip your gas mask off? You know, just because they can get here doesn't mean they have like fucking superpowers.
I mean, if that fucking nerd on Twitter could get a rocket to fucking go up and stick another satellite like we need more surveillance up there and then come back and park in the same parking spot, if that fucking laminated, dyed, hair-plugged cunt can make that happen, you're telling, you know, you're telling me that there's the other people with more of a head start can't, can't make some fucking, uh, you know, cups, glue a couple of plates together and fly over here. But that doesn't mean that, that they, they're, they're like, uh, well, I guess some of the shit that they've been showing lately.
I'm just stopping in midair and then just going fucking light speed. All right.

They're a little ahead of us in aviation.

All right.

But I mean, that happens in the world.

I mean, I heard Asia.

I heard their fucking cell phones are way beyond ours.

You know, doesn't mean they're going to take over the world.

You know, but CNN and Fox News are saying different things, aren't they?

I don't even watch those channels.

I just, I just blame them for everything. It just feels good, you know? Who better to blame than just a bunch of fucking people walking around acting like they're journalists when they're not? When was the last time you were walking down the street and you saw somebody with a Fox News or a fucking CNN card tucked into their fedora to go get on the scene and cover a story.
They're not doing that. They're in the office in a controlled environment, reading some ticker tape and then fucking figuring out how to spin it their way.
Oh, Jesus, Bill. I thought you had a good Christmas.
What's going on? You're going dark here, here dude the fucking walls are closing in

um speaking of the walls closing in this play that i'm going to be doing in new york glengarry glenn ross um glenn levitt um that's what i'm gonna be if i fucking blow this gig oh that would be fun that's the new york post that's the fucking new york post post Glengarry

if I get fucking

I go back to drinking and I'm just like stumbling around, missing shows, hammered. Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, more like Glenn Levitt.
Hanging on a park bench, talking to a fucking pigeon. Talking to the pigeon like,

see, this is real conversation, man.

It's not memorized.

We're just feeding off of each other, connecting. Fucking pigeon's looking at me like, are you going to toss me some bread? Like, what's going on here? I'm not your therapist.
Oh, geez. um so

um Pista, geez. So, I'm savoring these days before I have to go to work.
That's what I'm trying to do. Trying to hang out with everybody I can.
All my family, obviously, and then all my friends around town. I'm trying to get one hang in with them before I embark on this next chapter.

I see how many people say that.

The next chapter of my journey.

Fucking journey.

Magellan was on a journey.

Johnny Appleseed walking across the fucking country

when it wasn't all fucking air quotes civilized.

All right? Whenever the fuck he did it all right those people were on a journey Jack Kerouac was on a journey in a car I think his last guy that actually had a fucking journey you know I mean if you're going to work every fucking day and you're coming back and now my kids are teenagers that's not a journey it There's a fucking difference. All right.
If I go to the Dominican Republic and I land and I get a car service and immediately go to some fucking resort, I didn't go to a, there's not a journey. All right.
If I learned how to sail and I got a fucking boat and I went down the fucking Western coast of this country, Central America, somehow had the fucking coin to go through the Panama Canal, and fucking went back up. That was a gut in the Dominican Republic.
That's a fucking journey. All right? If you're some fat fucking cow, you know, who's been fed poison by your own fucking countrymen, right, that you're now so fucking big.
Even if you wanted to get a boat license. You know, even if you fucking had the wherewithal to push yourself away from that hot fudge sundae you're eating every goddamn night.
I needed to go to sleep. Right? Even if you fucking had the wherewithal to do it.
You don't have the money to buy a boat big enough that you can get on. That's not going to fucking capsize.
All right. Your boating dreams are out the fucking window, which by the way, I was joking with Nia last night.
Like how many of today's rappers, everybody in hip hop seems to be rapping about liabilities. Cars, bitches, boats, all that stuff.
You know, this might be the old man to me but i just listen to that stuff and i just think you're not getting your money back on any of that all that's going wrong it's right in the toilet so it's all a depreciating fucking asset um my favorite thing back when rappers and musicians could make money off of album sales remember the fucking money people would, the fucking shit that rock stars and rappers would buy? It was so fun to watch when they used to do the MTV Cribs, just looking at all the dumb shit that they would buy. They'd commission an oil painting of themselves.
And hanging over a fireplace that was big enough to be considered a two-car garage. Remember that shit? The fucking rock stars would get a pool in the shape of their signature guitar.
Rock stars were fucking amazing. Jumping off their roof into the pool, fucking hammered out of their minds.
Just have some giant fucking swing hanging from like your double fucking ceiling or whatever. That went the way up pillars and shit in front of you everybody's house looked like the fucking like you were working for the government right and my favorite thing rappers they would instead of a Jesus piece it went beyond that they would spend all this money on diamonds to have their own face made it's like dude you better keep writing hits if you think you're ever, if that's ever going to be fucking worth something.
Like, how much would you pay for a Sonny and Cher diamond fucking piece? You know? Or a Mac Davis, rest his soul. Baby, baby, don't you get, don't you get hooked on me.
You ever hear that song? Baby, baby, don't you get hooked on me You ever hear that song? Baby, baby, don't you get hooked on me Cause I'm just gonna love you, babe And set you free He's just singing I'm gonna fuck you and leave And you know what? Women loved it They loved this song You know why? Cause back then they were raised right. This isn't even a podcast.
This is just me filling up 30 minutes. I'm like that guy who shouldn't have been fighting for the title, you know, and the fucking champ needs a tune-up fight.
So he's just carrying me for seven rounds and I'm just fucking hang, you know, taking two to the head and then just grabbing onto him. And you're sitting there going, what the fuck? I paid for this? Yes, you did.
Yes, you did. Pay-per-view.
Pay-per-view. That was the funniest thing about that last Tyson exhibition.
Everyone was all fucking upset by it. It's to say, dude, you didn't pay anything.
You already had Netflix. You already had it.
You didn't let it shut it off. It's Netflix.
There's 30,000 other fucking things. Oh, my God.
If you watch that shit on Netflix, like, what did that do to your queue? Or whatever they call it. Did you just watch a bunch of fixed fights after that? Did that all come up? Like, they just show you, like, a, uh, not like fixed fights, but just like bad decisions, um, with a crowd booze and all of that shit.
And then the trainers fight each other. Um, that's what I do love about boxing and the UFC and everything is everybody knows how to fight.
Like the trainers, they all know how to fight. So at the end, it's not like an NBA fight.
NBA fights are the worst. those guys are all like nine feet tall.
Who the fuck ever took a swing at them? They were all like six feet tall by the time they were in fifth grade. Nobody ever fucked with you.
So when they throw punches, man, it's like they can't fucking hit each other. It's shit is hilarious.
There's a few that could fight, but generally speaking, nobody throws like a fucking jab followed by like an overhand right. start with the overhand right i always say like the nba average nba guy the way they throw a punch it's like they're trying to throw somebody out from like the warning track and then they just are you ever see like the people in the bars when they do that stupid ego thing trying to punch that that that uh just a stationary speed bag basically right you just punch it and then it measures how much of a man you are.
The amount of fucking people that swing and miss and then fall on their ass. That's, that's what an NBA fight looks like.
All right. But then you watch anytime there's a bad decision.
Um, and this is the brilliance of the octagon in the UFC is it's very hard for, for the, the other side, the losing fighter to get in there and fucking, oh, do they walk in with them? I always feel like they just, the interview the guy loses quick and then Joe talks to the winner, whether they're standing or not. I never understood why Joe got shit for sitting down next to Conor McGregor.
He's like, he was on the ground. Was he going to stand over him? Fucking hanging the mic down like his dick? He had to get down.
He did what he had to do. He did what he had to do.
Unlike those cunts on Fox News and CNN. You don't see them crouching down to fucking talk to them about why they shouldn't have refinanced their house.
Anyway. I don't know.
What else do I got? I don't have any ad reads. You know, you do a podcast like this.
You know, the ad reads are few and far fucking between. So I did real good in the holidays.
I stayed away from the sweets. I don't fuck with sugar.
I don't even like it anymore. It's great.
Once you get off sugar for like anywhere from four to 10 days, it doesn't even taste right anymore. Um, and then other shit that used to seem bland is amazing.
Like I remember the first time I like had like a raw avocado. I was like, am I eating like wallpaper? Like what, what, what is this? This is disgusting.
Now I love it. You know, I used to have to have all this salt in it, fucking lime, the whole guac thing.
I had to have that or whatever I was doing. I had to like, you know, kind of zhuzh it up, right? Now I can just eat it.
I eat it fucking straight. It's delicious, but you can't eat an avocado because there's always some fucking cunt there going, you know, it's a lot of fucking, it's a lot of fat.
Then somebody else goes, well, it's actually a good kind of fat. I like salmon.
Oh, salmon? You mean the ones that they fucking grow? And then fucking hollowed out fucking suitcases?

Whatever the hell they're doing?

They got cloudy fucking eyes?

That's why they chopped their heads off over here.

They don't want you to see the health of the fucking fish before you ate it.

Oh, Jesus, Bill.

Jesus.

You got a minute and a half to go and you're coming like this? I gotta come home for this. What movie? Goodfellas.
Ray Liotta, rest his soul. Talking to Karen.
The original Karen. I like to say, um, you know, she was a Karen.

She knew what she was.

We fucking pistol whipped the guy across the street.

You didn't think he was going to have hooves.

You didn't think he was going to be out banging Janet Rossi.

What did you think you were fucking signing up for?

You thought you were going to be different?

You saw them mob girls.

They all looked, you know, they were wearing secondhand stuff. They all looked like they'd been shook.
Um, anyway, um, all right. That's the podcast people.
I tried to bring the holiday vibe. I started off, I started off with the holiday vibe and you know, it went, it went south.
It went south quick. It went mid-January

really quickly. You know? Shout out to everybody in the Midwest.
The real Midwest. Not Chicago.

There's plenty to do there. I mean, when you get out in the weeds, you get out there in Nebraska

and Kansas and Iowa, the Dakotas, Wyoming, which I know is the mountain, but whatever. Mountain time.

Thank you. kansas and iowa the dakotas wow i mean which i know is the mountain but whatever mountain time you owe it to yourself to fucking go out there at some point see what those people have to live in during the winter time when the crops are all cut down and that barren earth meets that gray sky you feel like you're walking on the surface of the fucking moon i've said this a million times i never understood how a band like slipknot came from iowa i didn't understand where the anger came from i didn't understand it i liked it but i know those guys are from iowa and then i did some college gigs in iowa in like february and i was like oh okay I get it now.
I get it. As per usual, I had an idea of a place and then I went there and I was like, ah, turns out my idea was, was a hundred percent wrong.
Um, all right. That is the podcast, everybody.
Uh, I hope you had a nice Christmas. Hanukkah, I think it starts tonight or whatever.
Happy Hanukkah to you. Happy Kwanzaa.
happy if you don't celebrate anything. I hope you had a nice Christmas.
Hanukkah, I think, starts tonight or whatever.

Happy Hanukkah to you.

Happy Kwanzaa.

Happy if you don't celebrate anything.

I hope you had a good one.

Hope you got some time off. And once again, shout out to those Amazon drivers.

We should not be under the thumb of people with fucking dyed hair plugs and feet pajamas.

I don't think that's too much to ask.

I don't mind if you run

shit, but you know, break a little something off for the people working for you. Um, this is how

business is done. Is it? Is that how business is done? Does that make you sleep warm at night?

Knowing that your workers go home crying, trying to figure out how they're going to pay their bills,

exhausted, missing their kids growing up just so you can have a bigger infinity pool. You fucking cunt.
You don't have to take the infinity pool literally. It doesn't have to keep going, you know? Once you have half the size of a fucking pool and, you know, pay somebody to drive your shit that nobody needs across the goddamn country.
All right, that's the podcast, everybody. Enjoy the music picked out by the amazing, incredibly talented Andrew Themelis, who, by the way, shot a stand-up

special that made it to the Cannes Film Festival in France. Enjoy his music.
And then after that,

we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have

a great weekend, you cunts. Enjoy the football, and I'll talk to you on Monday.
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. and ah la la la la la la la fa la la la la I'm checking in on you.
I try to make it the holiday season

podcast. I don't know.
I try to infuse it and it didn't work. What are you going to do?

What are you going to do? It didn't work. Just like your ex-wife.
Didn't work. Bonjour.
Bonsoir. Bon pre-midi.
Tout le monde. Je m'appelle Guillaume.
Et je suis si heureux. Parce que j'ai une bonne Noël.
You guys have a good Christmas? I had a great Christmas.

I had a great Christmas.

C'était parfait.

It was perfect.

I've got to tell you this cute story.

When I was a little boy,

un petit garçon, un petit garçon,

un petit garçon rouge,

ah, très rouge, trop rouge, trop rouge? Ah, ouais. Trop rouge.
C'est un euro. I was faced with a Sophie's Choice when I was a kid.
And this is probably how I ended up being a comedian. The trauma of this.
I was in a department store back in Massachusetts, and my mother was getting me some new pajamas. And she brings me over to the pajama section.
She said, pick out the pajamas you want. And I'm scanning the pajamas.
And the first thing I see is the Bugs Bunny stuff. And I love Bugs Bunny, right? And they had Bugs Bunny playing basketball and Bugs Bunny playing football.
And I was like, oh, like I loved football from the time I remember watching TV. And like when I was a little kid, I didn't know they were wearing pads.
So I thought their shoulders were that big. I thought they were these little like these, not little.
I thought they were like these fucking hulks just slamming into each other. Interestingly enough, right as I was about ready to pick Bugs Bunny playing football.
You know, the old school leather helmet on and he was holding the football, running for a touchdown. Nobody near him, right? He could go all the way, right? And I look to the left and what do I see? I see Hulk pajamas and the Hulk is built like the football players.
I don't know, like they're wearing, I didn't know that they're wearing pads. So I'm like, I'm looking at him and he's green and he's shredded and he's fucking angry and it's green.
And I've always loved green. So I was going, I couldn't make up my mind.
So I said, Ma, Ma, come over here. Oh, I was young.
Ma, Ma, come over here. um you know i wanted both.
Could I get both? And she said, no. Because it was the 70s.
And that's a word kids heard a lot. She was like, no.
She's like, I'm going to do some more shopping. And another thing, you just leave your kids, right? I'm going to fucking pick.
How every kid was not abducted in the 70s is just fucking beyond me.

So she walks away in a department store.

So me and my brother are standing there.

He's trying to figure out what he wants.

And I cannot make up my mind.

I am agonizing.

Agonizing.

And I just couldn't make up my mind.

And I finally, I chose Bugs Bunny playing football because I love football and I love Bugs Bunny I love the Hulk too but there was two things that I loved or whatever and I grabbed a I finally she said come on we got to go pick one so I reached for Hulk and then went over and grabbed Bugs Bunny handed it to her and then she you know took me by my arm the way they used to you know your first separated shoulder is your mother giving you the let's go tug, right? So she's pulling me out. And as we're walking away, I'm looking over at my shoulder, sad, looking at the Hulk pajamas.
And every time I wore the Bugs Bunnies, I loved them, but I always thought about the Hulk pajamas and I never got them. All right.
So here we are fucking 50 years later.

I told that story to my daughter because she was going through something where she wanted something, you know, you know, and she had to make a choice or whatever. And it brought me back to that moment.
And what I always do whenever my kids are going through some stuff is rather than talk to them about them, I talk, I tell them a story of when I was going through the same thing. Like if they, if they have to do like a performance at school and they're nervous, uh, I go, of course you're nervous.
I always get nervous right before I go on stage. And then my daughter's like, you do? Yeah.
Yeah. My stomach's in knots.
I'm hoping it's going to go well. But then once I get out there, I have so much fun.
And then when it's over, I feel great. I feel proud about myself because I went up and I did it.
I do stuff like that. Or if my kid's feeling sad, I just sort of clock that.
And a few days later, I'll just sort of work in how I was sad today. And it makes them feel like it's all right to have all these emotions.
you sad about that? Well, you know, I was thinking about some friends that I lost and haven't seen in a while and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And whatever, right? So anyway, I related that story to her.
I forget what the heck she was dealing with. She had like something about sports, something about soccer.
She had to make a choice, right? And I could see it was bugging her. So I told her that story, right? And about how sometimes, you know, you don't get everything, but if you get something, that's still great, right? So I tell her that story.
And guess what she got me for Christmas at 56 years of age? I got Hulk pajamas. Now, granted, no offense to Comic-Con people.
Comic-Con people, I am way too old for that shit, right? But it was the gesture that she did, and I made sure I told her that night. I said in the hallway, I said, sweetheart, I go, you just made a childhood dream come true.
Thank you so much. She just broke out ear-to-ear grin and gave me a big hug, And I was thinking, there you go.
That's my Christmas right there. So look at that.
Usually a gloom and doom podcast. I started off with a nice story that I like to think in my own egomaniac fucking skull that you guys all just went, oh, but I know as a lot of of you damaged fuck.
We're like, oh, Billy fucking pussy tits or whatever. And I don't take that personally.
And whenever somebody says something like that to me, all I hear is the lack of hugs in your childhood. Or if you're just Irish, like you just, it's, you're born with it.
Before, before somebody somebody doesn't love you before you don't get the hugs before your dad spends the weekly paycheck down in the pubs doing some Angela Angela's Ashes shit right you just they're just fucking born with it um the Irish people are simultaneously my favorite people and the most miserable cunts I've ever met in my life. I wouldn't even say that.
I would say the English are. You know what I mean? Because at least the Irish still have something to go for.
It's like the English are there and they were there and it just didn't fill them up. And now they're just cunts.
Right? And it always always blows my mind how the the english are like the that's like the the english are the european version of american new yorkers like american new yorkers they just think they fucking know everything they think where they live is the be all end all and this shit doesn't fucking stink it's very

relatable whenever i go over to england right it's so funny they always say right what's this

out of guns mate general standard why you call football right always fucking you know you don't

you don't use your feet you use your hands you use your hands like they think they're the first

person that ever fucking said that every time you go over there and it's what what's with the guns

mate it's fucking crazy over there right at least that's what they sound like to me

Thank you. the first person that ever fucking said that every time you go over there and it's what's with the guns mate it's fucking crazy over there right at least that's what they sound like to me all right they all sound high-pitchy Ricky Gervais to me um so and I always look at me just be like what do you mean what the fuck happened over here you started what happened over here the fuck did you come over to America with with your ships you You come over with a bunch of flowers? You didn't.

You came over with cannons and muskets and all those other fucking long guns, right?

So musket, the pistol back then?

The Bugs Bunny one that flared out

and he just fucking shot metal at people?

You guys started this shit over here.

You guys, the French and the Spaniards.

And then all these years later,

after you set the fucking tone over here, you wonder why it still exists. You're like the abusive parent who then just blames it.
I don't know why he's so angry about it. He used to be a happy kid.
Yeah. And then I had you as a parent and that went out the fucking window, didn't it? Anyway.
Yeah. If you don't understand America.
That's because you live in a fucking country where it's all you, basically. It's all you.
And then there's a little bit not you. And do you get along with them? Do they feel welcome in your country? They don't.
That's our entire country. Our entire country is a bunch of fucking people that weren't from here.
Our ancestors were not fucking from here. There's all these different teams.
And we have CNN and Fox News to make sure we all fucking hate each other every goddamn week. All right.
And there you go. This country was stolen.
We're driving a hot car over here and you don't know when you don't know when the cops are showing up. So everybody's fucking strapped.
That's what's going on here. And it's been going on so long, you're not going to fucking stop it.
So enough with the stupid fucking questions. Why do you use your hands in football? Because soccer is boring.
No, it isn't. It's a beautiful game.
It's a beautiful fucking game if it's not played here. But if it's played here by Mexicans, then it's beautiful.
But they're from a country, or at least their ancestors are, if they're native to this country that appreciates that fucking game. Because it's a gorgeous game.

You know? beautiful, but they're from a country, or at least their ancestors are, if they're native to this country, that appreciates that fucking game. Because it's a gorgeous game.
Here's another question I have for the English. I don't understand why you're so into fucking racing.
Why you're so into high performance and all of that. It's like, what's that? That Top Gear show? And that old cunt on there's always making fun of american cars and technology which i totally get but then you go out and you buy an english car it's the biggest piece of shit you're ever gonna like the range rover engine that's the best you can fucking do you buy a range rover you just fucking married the Lemon Law here in the United States.

And that's your idea of a luxury fucking SUV.

You guys ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Anytime they have that fucking F1 race or the MotoGP race over in England,

they're, oh my God, this legendary, oh, this is Lewis Hamilton's favorite fucking place.

I guarantee you what Lewis Hamilton doesn't drive, a fucking Jaguar or a Range Rover. He's got a Mercedes.
I'm sure he's got something Italian. A hundred fucking percent.
All I can say is thank God the English don't make planes. They'd be going down left and right now.
Roy fucking cunt they all got rolls royce engines

in them rolls royce people there's always an exception to the rule they're the larry bird the inexplicable uncoordinated fucking white guy that can somehow play at the nba level that's what rolls royce is everything else is fucking garbage your triumphs your fucking jaguars you your fucking Range Rovers, garbage, they look good,

right, fucking brilliant, pretty to look at, pretty to look at as you drive it to the fucking mechanic, anyway, there we go, that ought to rile up some fucking pasty cunts over there, anyway plowing ahead here

I had a great fucking Christmas

shout out to Amazon driver pasty cunts over there. Anyway, plowing ahead here.
I had a great fucking Christmas. Shout

out to Amazon drivers on strike. I like what you're doing.
I like what you're doing. Enough

with these fucking internet nerds taking over the fucking world. And then on top of that,

not paying anybody. You fucking stay on strike.
You stay on strike. Fucking what's it like to drive a truck like a man working for somebody who fucking, you know, walks around in feet pajamas.
It's got to be terrible. Um, anyway, plowing.
I'm in my pod. My new podcast studio has been my car lately.
I'm sitting in my car like a fucking maniac. And what the best thing is, is I'm such a loud jerk off that even when people walk by, they can even with the windows up, they think I'm in an argument, you know, with my significant other, whatever that might be in this day and age.
But, you know, that's not the case. That's not the case.
I had a great Christmas. Everything is wonderful.
The Patriots have a quarterback now. I saw some of the highlights of the Bills game.
You know, I don't have the NFL package this year, so all I'm seeing is the Rams and the Chargers. And I just saw the highlights.
You know, we had a bad little play in the end. Gave him a fucking touchdown.
But, you know, Drake May. Drake May.
We can build around this guy. I believe in this guy.
And the Pats, you know, slowly but surely are going to come back. And I actually believe that they're going to be coming back.

Whereas as a kid, I always knew, hey, if we just get the wild card,

I was happy just because that's where we were.

And then came a guy named Robert Kraft.

That guy has gone three for three with coaches.

I mean, the three greatest coaching hires right in a row by any owner.

Bill Parcells.

Okay, we'll give him that one.

Everybody already knew he was a fucking legend. But he was able to get him.
And then we go to Pete Carroll. Woo! Pete Carroll, the fucking khaki king himself, right? Woo! Still running up and down the stairs.
Don't let that Flanders vibe fool you. That guy was fucking an alpha.
Dressed in fucking, I go to church every week, clothing. And then he hires the one and only, the Paul Brown of today, Bill Belichick.
Fucking incredible. So I'm believing in everything and I'm very excited that, you know, rough couple years, whatever, rough couple years.
I can shake that off I had a rough couple decades hey let me tell you it was rough before uh all of that shit happened so um I'm very excited where uh where they are at and uh I'm also excited to have time off I'm excited that the script is handed in now I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting for the feedback you know we're handing in is fucking great. And then every second that I don't hear the feedback, I'm like, wait a minute.
Is it not? Oh, the doubt. The doubt is fucking creeping in.
Anyway, I had my nine millionth meltdown about what I considered to be arguably the biggest lie in America in the 20th century.

If you had to think, what is the biggest lie?

Okay, you're probably going Federal Reserve.

Magic bullet theory.

We didn't see the entire Japanese Navy coming across the fucking ocean. I mean, and you can go like fucking conspiracy.
That is, a lot of that is conspiracy. That's all conspiracy, what am I talking about? But the newer conspiracies, 9-11, inside job, fucking lizard people.
There's aliens that we're already fucking in business with. Can you imagine seeing this fucking place as an alien? You're like, yeah, I can do something with that.
Can you imagine that? I mean, why would you think that other than this is the only planet around that seems like it's got some shit going on? I mean, the only reason why I think the fucking aliens would stop here

is because there's some hulas.

Other than that, we've got some good music too.

Some nice weather, but I don't know what they breathe, right?

That's what gets me about these fucking aliens.

They just show up and they can breathe in our atmosphere.

Why am I afraid of a fucking alien if all I got to do is just rip your gas mask off? You know, just because they can get here doesn't mean they have like fucking superpowers. I mean, if that fucking nerd on Twitter could get a rocket to fucking go up and stick another satellite like we need more surveillance up there and then come back and park in the same parking spot if that fucking laminated dyed hair plugged cunt can make that happen you're telling you know you're telling me that there's other people with more of a head start can't can't make some fucking uh you know glue a couple plates together and fly over here.
But that doesn't mean that they're like, well, I guess some of the shit that they've been showing lately. I'm just stopping in midair and then just going fucking light speed.
All right, they're a little ahead of us in aviation. All right.
But I mean, that happens in the world. I mean, I heard Asia.
I heard their fucking cell phones are way beyond ours. You know, doesn't mean they're going to take over the world.
You know, but CNN and Fox News are saying different things, aren't they? I don't even watch those channels. I just I just blame them for everything.
It just feels good. You know, who better to blame than just a bunch of fucking people walking around acting like they're journalists when they're not? When was the last time you were walking down the street and you saw somebody with a Fox News or a fucking CNN card tucked into their fedora to go get on the scene and cover a story? They're not doing that.
They're in the office. In a controlled environment.
Reading some ticker tape and then fucking figuring out how to spin it their way. Oh, Jesus, Bill.
I thought you had a good Christmas. What's going on? You're going dark here, dude.
The fucking walls are closing in. Speaking of the walls closing in, this play that I'm going to be doing in New York, Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, Glenn Levitt.

That's what I'm going to be if I fucking blow this gig.

Oh, that would be fun.

That's the New York Post.

That's the fucking New York Post.

Glenn Gary, if I get fucking, I go back to drinking

and I'm just like stumbling around, missing shows, hammered.

Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, more like Glenn Levitt.

Hanging on a park bench, talking to a fucking pigeon.

Talking to the pigeon, like, see, this is real conversation, man.

It's not memorized.

We're just feeding off of each other, connecting.

Fucking pigeon's looking at me like, are you going to toss me some bread? Like, what's going on here? I'm not your therapist. Jeez.
So, I'm savoring these days before I have to go to work.

That's what I'm trying to do.

Trying to hang out with everybody I can.

All my family, obviously, and then all my friends around town.

I'm trying to get one hang in with them before I embark on this next chapter.

I can't wait when people say that.

The next chapter of my journey fucking journey Magellan was on a journey Johnny Appleseed walking across the fucking country when it wasn't all fucking air quotes civilized alright whenever the fuck he did it alright those people were on a journey Jack Kerouac was on a journey in a car i think his last guy that actually had a fucking journey you know i mean if you're going to work every fucking day and you're coming back and now my kids are teenagers that's not a journey it's an experience there's a fucking difference all right if i go to the dominican republic and i land and i get a car service and immediately go to some fucking resort, I didn't go to a, there's not a journey. All right.
If I learned how to sail and I got a fucking boat and I went down the fucking Western coast of this country, Central America, somehow had the fucking coin to go through the Panama Canal and fucking went back up.

That was a guy in the Dominican Republic.

That's a fucking journey.

All right?

If you're some fat fucking cow, you know, who's been fed poison by your own fucking countrymen, right?

That you're now so fucking big.

Even if you wanted to get a boat license.

You know?

Even if you fucking had the wherewithal to push yourself away from that hot fudge sundae you're eating every goddamn night i needed to go to sleep right even if you fucking had the wherewithal to do it you don't have the money to buy a boat big enough that you can get on that's not gonna fucking capsize all right your boating dreams are out the fucking window which by the by the way, I was joking with Nia last night,

like how many of today's rappers,

everybody in hip-hop seems to be rapping about liabilities.

Cars, bitches, boats, all that stuff, you know?

This might be the old man to me,

but I just listen to that stuff and I just think,

you're not getting your money back on any of that. All that's going on right in the toilet so it's all a depreciating fucking asset um my favorite thing back when rappers and musicians could make money off of album sales remember the fucking money people would let the fucking shit that rock stars and rappers would buy was so fun to watch when they used to do the MTVbs, just looking at all the dumb shit that they would buy.
They'd commission an oil painting of themselves. And hanging over a fireplace that was big enough to be considered a two-car garage.
Remember that shit? The fucking rock stars would get a pool in the shape of their signature guitar. stars were fucking amazing jumping off their roof into the pool fucking hammered out of their minds just have some giant fucking swing hanging from like your double fucking ceiling or whatever that went all the way up pillars and shit in front of you how everybody's house looked like the fucking like you were were working for the government, right? And my favorite thing, rappers, they would, instead of a Jesus piece, it went beyond that.
They would spend all this money on diamonds to have their own face made. It's like, dude, you better keep writing hits if that's ever going to be fucking worth something.
Like, how much would you pay for a Sonny and Cher diamond fucking piece?

You know?

Or a Mac Davis, rest his soul.

Baby, baby, don't you get hooked on me.

You ever hear that song?

Baby, baby, don't you get hooked on me.

Because I'm just going to love you, babe,

and set you free. He's just singing.
I'm just gonna love you, babe. And set you free.
Just sing it. I'm gonna fuck you and leave.
And you know what? Women loved it. They loved this song.
You know why? Cause back then they were raised right. This isn't even a podcast.
This is just me filling up 30 minutes. I'm like that guy who shouldn't have been fighting for the title, you know? And the fucking champ needs a tune-up fight, so he's just carrying me for seven rounds, and I'm just fucking hanging, you know, taking two to the head and then just grabbing onto him.
And you're sitting there going, what the fuck? I paid for this? Yes, you did. Yes, you did.
Pay-per-view. Pay-per-view.
That was the funniest thing about that last Tyson exhibition.

Everyone was all fucking upset by it.

It's to say, dude, you didn't pay anything.

You already had Netflix.

You already had it.

You didn't let it shut it off.

It's Netflix.

There's 30,000 other fucking things.

Oh, my God.

If you watch that shit on Netflix, what did that do to your queue or whatever they call it? Did you just watch a bunch of fixed fights after that? Did that all come up? Like they just show you like a bunch of, uh, not like fixed fights, but just like bad decisions, um, with a crowd booze and all of that shit. And then the trainers fight each other um that's what i do love about boxing and the ufc and everything is everybody knows how to fight like the trainers they all know how to fight so at the end it's not like an nba fight nba fights are the worst because those guys are all like nine feet tall whoever who the fuck ever took a swing at them they were all like six feet tall by the time they were in fifth grade nobody ever fucked with you so and then they they throw punches man it's like they can't fucking hit each other it's shit is hilarious there's a few they could fight but generally speaking nobody throws like a fucking jab followed by like an overhand right they start with the overhand right i always say like the NBA average NBA guy the way they throw a punch it's like they're trying to throw somebody out from like the warning track.
And then they just, you ever see like the people in the bars when they do that stupid ego thing trying to punch that, just a stationary speed bag basically, right? You just punch it and then it measures how much of a man you are. The amount of fucking people that swing and miss and then fall on their ass, that's what an NBA fight looks like.
All right? But then you watch anytime there's a bad decision. And this is the brilliance of the octagon in the UFC is it's very hard for the fight camp of the other side, the losing fighter, to get in there and fucking...
Oh, do they walk in with them? I always feel like they just, the interview the guy loses quick and then Joe talks to the winner.

Whether they're standing or not.

I never understood why Joe got shit for sitting down next to Conor McGregor.

He was like, he was on the ground.

Was he going to stand over him?

Fucking hanging the mic down like his dick?

He had to get down there.

He did what he had to do.

He did what he had to do.

Unlike those cunts on Fox News and CNN, you don't see them crouching down to fucking talk to them about why they shouldn't have refinanced their house. Anyway, I don't know what else I got.
I don't have any ad reads. You know, you do a podcast like this.
You know, the ad reads are few and far fucking between. So I did real good in the holidays.
I stayed away from the sweets. I don't fuck with sugar.
I don't even like it anymore. It's great.
Once you get off sugar for like anywhere from four to ten days, it doesn't even taste right anymore. And then other shit that used to seem bland is amazing.
Like, I remember the first time I, like, had, like, a raw avocado. I was like, am I eating, like, wallpaper? Like, what, what, what is this? This is disgusting.
Now I love it. You know, I used to have to have all this salt in it, fucking lime, the whole guac thing.
I had to have that or whatever I was doing. I had to, like, you know, kind of zhuzh it up, right? Now I can just eat it.
I eat it fucking straight. It's delicious.
But you can't eat an avocado because there's always some fucking cunt there going, you know, that's a lot of fucking, it's a lot of fat. And then somebody else goes, oh, it's actually a good kind of fat.
Kind of like salmon. Oh, salmon? You mean the ones that they fucking grow? And then fucking hollowed out fucking suitcases? Whatever the hell they're doing.
They got cloudy fucking eyes.

That's why they chopped their heads off over here.

They don't want you to see

the health of the fucking fish before you ate it.

Oh, Jesus, Bill.

Jesus.

You got a minute and a half to go

and you're coming like this?

I gotta come home

for this!

What movie? Good fellas. Ray Liotta rest his soul talking to Karen um the original Karen I like to say um you know she was a Karen she knew what she was we fucking pistol whipped the guy across the street you didn't think he was going to have hooves you didn't think he was going to be out banging Janet Rossi what did you think you were fucking signing up for you thought you were going to be different you saw them mob girls they all looked they were wearing second hand stuff they all looked like they'd been shook anyway alright that All right.
That's the podcast, people. I tried to bring the holiday vibe.
I started off. I started off with the holiday vibe.
And, you know, it went south. It went south quick.
It went mid-January really quickly. You know? Shout out to everybody in the Midwest.
The real Midwest. not Chicago.
There's plenty to do there. I mean, when you get out in the weeds, you get out there in Nebraska and Kansas and Iowa, the Dakotas, Wyoming, which I know is the mountain, but whatever.
Mountain time. You owe it to yourself to fucking go out there at some point, see what those people have

to live in during the wintertime when the crops are all cut down and that barren earth meets that

gray sky. You feel like you're walking on the surface of the fucking moon.
I've said this a

million times. I never understood how a band like Slipknot came from Iowa.
I didn't understand where

the anger came from. I didn't understand it.
I liked it, but I didn't know. Those guys are from Iowa.
And then I did some college gigs in Iowa in like February. And I was like, oh, okay.
I get it now. I get it.
As per usual, I had an idea of a place and then I went there and I was like, ah, turns out my idea was, was a hundred percent wrong. Um, all right.
That is the podcast, everybody. Uh, I hope you had a nice Christmas.
Hanukkah, I think it starts tonight or whatever. Happy Hanukkah to you.
Happy Kwanzaa. Happy if you don't celebrate anything.
I hope you had a good one. Hope you got some time off.
And once again, shout out to those Amazon drivers. We should not be under the thumb of people with fucking dyed hair plugs and feet pajamas.
I don't think that's too much to ask. I don't mind if you run shit, but you know, break a little something off for the people working for you.
This is how business is done. Is it? Is that how business is done? Does that make you sleep warm at night knowing that your workers go home crying trying to figure out how they're going to pay their bills? Exhausted, missing their kids growing up just so you can have a bigger infinity pool? You fucking cunt.
You don't have to take the infinity pool literally. It doesn't have to keep going.
You know? Once you have half the size of a fucking pool, and, you know, pay somebody to drive your shit that nobody needs across the goddamn country. All right, that's the podcast, everybody.
Enjoy the music picked out by the amazing, incredibly talented Andrew Themless, who, by the way, shot a stand-up special that made it to the Cannes Film Festival in France. Enjoy his music.
And then after that, we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts.
Enjoy the football, and I'll talk to you on Monday. What's up, everybody? Welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show with your host, Paul Berzi, Bill Burr, Greek freak Andrew Thinless out there in Beverly Hills.
Well, he's probably home for the holidays. And, of course, we got Jake the Snake the injury report.
We got a show, Bill. We got, I mean, we got a show.
You know what I mean? Paul, we're a mess this week. Hey, you know what? You look like you just got called.
You just had a flat and called AAA and you forgot you went a jacket standing outside your car. I'm in my PJs.
We're a mess. Oh, dude, I've been puking and shitting for fucking three days.
Oh, that's good. You dropping weight? Yeah.
That's a fucking Hollywood question. No, no.
You know what? Hey, nothing like a little stomach bug. Any other place in the world, they're like, oh, man, that's terrible.
I hope you feel better. It's like, oh, yeah, is your stomach flattening out? Nothing better than a little stomach bug to fit in that sweatshirt, okay? I got an acting gig coming up.
Paul, can you just kind of breathe in this room and I'll fucking take a big inhale so I can fit into costume.

We but you're okay. I got an acting gig coming up.
Paul, can you just kind of breathe in this room and I'll fucking take a big inhale so I can fit into costume. We are ready to get into week 17, everybody.
There's only two more regular season weeks of the NFL season, which is nice. But before we do, we have to shout out our incredible sponsor.
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If they don't, but they get the second touchdown, your stack back in cash there you go bill burr goes here's bill burr's last three weeks everybody three and one two and two and four and oh making him nine and three in the last oh he's coming in the fourth quarter dude i gotta go four and oh the last two i gotta go four and oh three weekends in a row. Dude, if you go 4-0 three weekends in a row, that's a trophy.
You've never been done. I would still be 500.
Yeah, Paul, I just with the kids and writing the script, dude, I've watched a disgustingly small amount of football. Since I started turning it around, I just bet on shit that I don't think is going to happen.
I swear to God. I've just been betting stupid shit.
The Patriots versus the Bills. Fucking Pats had that game won if they didn't have that little flub there in the end.
Dude, we got a QB. We got somebody to build around.
I'm getting excited. Yeah.
Drake May? Drake May, yeah. I haven't worn my Patriots jacket all season.
I'm about to take it out of the fucking... Dude, I haven't watched one second.
All I've seen is the highlights. I don't have the package, Paul.
All I'm getting the Chargers and the Rams out here. Dude, I feel like the Patriots, even games they lost, they just fucking fight.
They're a good team. They're a good young team that's getting better.
Second half. Second half of the season.
The first half was looking like a disaster.

I mean, I was just betting against them, and they were fucking – they were losing every week, you know?

And they weren't covering the spread either,

and the spreads were getting disgusting.

They were getting up seven, eight, nine, and they still weren't covering.

But they kind of like put something together, and that kid, Drake May.

Now, granted, I'm just watching highlights.

He looks like a fucking gamer, man, and it seems like the team's rallying around him. not, granted, I'm just watching highlights.
He looks like a fucking gamer,

man.

And,

and it seems like the team's rallying around him.

They like him.

I'm excited.

I'm like,

dude,

I can handle a little fucking,

you know,

nine and eight little 10 and seven creep back up to where we were.

No,

but how's the Patriots defense?

Like,

is it D good?

Paul,

I have not watched a second this season.

I,

I've,

I've just been, I was dude, I was in a writer's room.

I had no windows, Paul.

The walls were closing in.

It was crazy.

You know what?

You know what?

I'm borderline not an American at this point how little football I watched this year.

You know what, though?

They could have said when you weren't winning weeks,

they could have been like the game passed them by.

But, no, you know what you did?

You pulled the fucking – you reinvented yourself.

I'm betting like a housewife over here, Paul. Give this guy an offensive tackle.
He starts fucking making it rain out there. I just needed to change the scenery.
That's it. All of a sudden I can play football.
I can bet on football again. Well, collectively our show has gone like 12 and 4.
Our show is doing well. Somebody sent me something and they go, dude, my kid had a better Christmas because of your picks.
I said, hey, all right. Just don't go crazy.
Hey, as we always said, bet responsibly. Don't have a fucking podcast determining whether your kids have a good Christmas or not.
Christmas. Hang on, buddy.
I'm doing a podcast. I'll be done in a minute.
He hands his kid a basketball. He was like, hey, it would have been better if he didn't pick the Jaguars, okay? All right.
Jake the Snake, come in here with an injury report, dude. Second to last week of the season.
It always gets sad. Hey, before we do that, Paul, can we show our records for the year, dude? We're doing all right on this show.
I mean, I'm the dead weight. No, we're doing all right.
Yeah, well, let's get Andrew. Themless is killing it for the third straight year.
Jake the Snake dug himself out of a hole. Yep.
All right. I'm the guy who's going to get traded for a player to be named later At 28 and 36

Paul Verzi on his way

He needs

Paul Verzi needs one victory

No it's over already

That's all you need is one victory right

No I'm 12 over

Well if you go

If I go 0 and 8 I'm still 4 over

Oh that's it no he did it again

He did it again

3 or 4 years

Thank you. Well, if you go – If I go 0-8, I'm still 4-0.
Oh, that's it? No, he did it again. Yes, he did.
He did it again. Three, four years.
Jordan didn't win four in a row. Granted, you know, you had to take a little sabbatical because of some off-court and a little activities there.
I'd just like to thank my team. Paul Verzi, four years in a row.
I think this is – Andrew, this is your third year in a row doing it, right? Yeah, third year. Third year keeping the tabs.
All right, let me see. Go back down.
The final. This was last year.
That was Bill 31, 34, and 4. Paul 37, 26, and 3.
And then I had that fluke, 44, 25. It's not a fluke.
You have the same record again. Yeah, almost.
Look at Jake the Snake.

Jake the Snake can do it.

He's got two weeks to do it. He's getting the wild card, Paul.

He's sneaking in the last weekend.

Exactly.

It'll be a close race.

Yeah, I apologize, guys.

If I was watching football, I feel like I could beat 500.

Bet MGM's got to be afraid of this podcast, man. If you don't listen to me listen to these other three guys all right i'm excited about your last three weeks though i'm just a decoy paul i make i make it look like how bet mgm thinks it's gonna go and then you guys come up all right pick up where we left off i was saying uh yeah i'm bat nathan the order order or whatever we're going to do here.
Hey, dude, you're 9-3 the last three weeks. I look at the positive.
We don't look back. That's what you're doing right now.
Well, I don't want to be like Jerome Bettis and be shut down for fucking three quarters and then run 11 yards and start stomping around the stadium. No disrespect to the bus.
Although, you know, in defense of him, he had to wear down the defensive line the first three quarters and then he could break free. Maybe that's what's going on.
Oh, by the way, can we talk about this on the show? Some people aren't going to like me saying this. The college playoff has been a fucking absolute disaster.
That's such a poor take, Paul. Come on.
It's terrible. Paul, give him a fucking break.
Okay? What is Thursday night football? Is that good? No. No.
Is he watching Kansas City Chiefs football? Is that good? No. They had a bad weekend, Paul.
I'm going to tell you right now. This isn't like the WNBA where it's just going to suck forever.
This is college football. They're going to get it right.
And that fucking Lane Kiffin bitch moaning and complaining. It's like, dude, you had three losses.
What did Lane Kiffin say? He's like, oh, wow, this is so exciting. He's literally biting the hand that feeds.
Lane Kiffin, the guy who went to Tennessee, the volunteers, and said he was going to take him to the promised land. He meets one whore at a Waffle House.
The next thing you know, he's going to USC to fall on his face out there in the palm trees. He was terrible at USC.
Yep, and then he scurries back underneath Nick Saban at Alabama,

rides his coattails for a few years,

and all of a sudden he's in Mississippi.

And now he's feeling smart because no one can read in that state,

and all of a sudden he's fucking tweeting out there.

No, I'm kidding.

I like Mississippi.

I'm not going to say I love it.

It's a little hot.

I was so excited to watch those games, and I was like, I'm rooting for – I'm like, dude, get a score.

Get a score.

Make it close.

Make it close.

Do something.

Do something.

But maybe this week will be better.

It's going to be amazing this week.

Yeah.

The Rose Bowl will be great.

And I'm going to tell you right now, when Ohio State plays Oregon,

that's going to be a game.

That's going to be a game.

But I think I like Oregon.

You?

I'm too fucking biased.

I just love seeing Buckeye fans sad

because they're always whining about something.

I do like that their coach is

starting to win again.

You see Dave Portnoy had the plane

saying to extend that guy's contract.

The head coach of Iowa State.

I think this weekend

college football is going to be

fantastic, and I think the playoff

Thank you. the head coach of Iowa State.
I think this weekend, college football is going to be fantastic. And I think the playoff is amazing.
The only thing, you know, that is bad about it was I saw this CEO come on and saying how it was going to open up the opportunity for these college football teams to be up for sale. Yeah, correct.
Yeah, exactly. It's just like, do you have to own everything? Can you just leave something alone? There should be a rule.
You can't buy, like Dave Portnoy should be able to invest in the fucking, you know, Wolverines. You know he's going to do the fucking right thing.
By the way, I got to shout out Dave Portnoy for what he did. I'm sure you guys all saw it.
That pizza review thing he did in Baltimore, man, when the guy was like, Christmas is our last day. And he was like, why? I heard the pizza's good.
And he's like, nah, we can't. We can't get our liquor license.
We can't afford it. So Portnoy goes outside.
He does the pizza review. He likes the pizza.
He says it's good. And then he asked the guy, what's it going to take for you to stay open at least another year? And the guy's like, whoa, I mean, I don't know.

I can't answer.

He goes, well, you got a rich guy in front of you and you don't want him to walk away.

So what's it going to take? And he goes, I guess, I mean, I guess we could get our liquor license to stay open a year with like 60 grand.

And he goes, done.

And he shook his hand.

And then after he did that, there's a line around the fucking block for the place.

And he saved the business, dude. Dave Portnoy, man, I got to be honest.
No guy. Good guy, man.
No, here's the thing, dude. That's what we should be doing for each other.
We're all sitting around, myself included, bitching about politicians and everything. We all have the ability to help each other out and just go to each other's businesses.
Fuck these box stores and all of this. You know, as much as you can.
I mean, they got a pretty good foothold in the in the towns and everything. But there's no reason why you can't do stuff like that.
He's a man of the people. He is.
Shout out to Dave Portnoy. Yeah.
Shout out to Dave Portnoy. He started something from nothing and he's crushing it.
Good for him. Yeah.
And what about all the stuff he did during the pandemic helping all of those those? Thousands of businesses. Yeah, and then those fucking assholes tried to cancel him like two or three times, but they were fucking with the wrong guy.
Oh, I love that. I love that he doesn't give up.
Oh, and he called up that lady at the newspaper? Oh, the guy you're writing the article on. And then you listen to her like, fucking stammering.
Oh, she was backtracking like, oh, that was the best. And that's the thing, too.
If you listen to her, she just sounded like, I mean, I'm not saying she's not smart, but I'm just saying to listen to her like, you know, you read a newspaper, you think somebody on the other end is going to sound a little, you know, a little more eloquent than you do. No, she didn't.
I was like, you write for a newspaper? Oh oh he had her dead to write and dude barstool is

great he's got great shows on barstool but you know what he doesn't have oh he doesn't have he doesn't have handicappers like ab oh i know well i don't know i don't know i don't know what their records are over there.

Dave, I'm not for sale.

All right.

Jake the Snake,

tell us... what their records are over there.
I'm not for sale.

All right.

Jake,

the snake,

tell us the injury reports going into week 17.

What are we looking at?

Who's out?

We're looking at a relatively healthy week,

but the big one is Jalen hurts is still not been cleared.

He had a concussion last week against Washington and the Eagles arresting everybody anyway,

because the Eagles don't have anything to play for. That's not true because if they don't win this game, the Commanders can still win the division.
But I think if they win it, they clinch. So they need to win one more game, basically.
Oh, they got one more. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, that's right.
When they play the Giants next week, they don't have anything to play for if they win. Okay, got it.
If they beat the Cowboys, which the Cowboys, you know, they burned me bad last week against the Bucs.

So I don't think they're an easy out anymore.

The Washington Commanders.

The Washington Commanders are starting to creep to the door.

Yeah, I love watching Jane Daniels.

They're not knocking on it yet, but they're at the welcome mat.

You know what they're doing?

They're lurking.

Yes.

They're suspicious.

They're sort of pacing in the street, waiting to come up the walk.

They're not in the club, but they're going like this past the red rope,

asking what's going on in there.

No, no, no, my friend.

My friend's already inside.

It's not last call.

It's not last call.

My girlfriend's in there.

A lot of people's girlfriends are in there.

My girlfriend's in there.

I'll be right back. I'll be right back.
I just need to take a piss. I just need to take...
I don't want to do it on the side of your establishment. You know how you get all eloquent when you're drunk? I would never disrespect it.
You start using that mental law degree that you have on the premises of this establishment. I don't want to desecrate it.
Oh, by the way, dude, what's his name? Horrible what happened to Tank Dell. Dude.
Wide receiver. Rookie wide receiver.
Second year wide receiver with the Texans. And it was friendly fire.
His own teammate shredded his knee. Dude, it knee dude it was bad yeah he he caught a touchdown in the end zone and the fender was low by his legs and then his guy came in and his knee was just just got and dude you know when it's bad is when the teammates start crying and kneeling like immediately dude it was like it was fucked man and that kind of did the Texans in in because they don't have stefan diggs now they don't have him and they had a really good good season but i think that's going to be too much to overcome so never want to see that man wish that guy nothing but the best fucking i love that guy he's small great slot back terrible and then some reporter didn't some reporter give cj stroud shit for crying at the press conference?

Yeah, they're like really close. Let's see what you've cried about

in your time, you know?

Dude, he cried instantly, because that

was his go-to. He saw it, and he just got on

his knee and started crying.

Yeah, I mean, they said dislocated knee

torn ACL, MCL, LCL.

Yeah, that's like a year and a half.

Jake, if you fell off your chair right now, and you went down for the rest of the season, we're crying on the show. Oh, 100%.
And the overall victories go down. By the way, I'm going to say Andrew Themelis is the Josh Allen of this podcast where he's killing it in the Mountain West region and the scouts aren't on him.
And then he goes up to the pros and he dominates. Yeah, he played Wyoming.
Jake the Snake is the West Coast kid. He's out there in San Diego slinging it.
Everybody sees that game. You see the East Coast games, a little Midwest, and then they skip the mountain and then they go go right to the West Coast, and that's your fucking Saturday.
Yeah, definitely old basketball. Bemblitz is out there in Wyoming throwing it all over the yard.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm flailing in the ACC. Who goes first this week? I think you will.
It's an even week it's an odd week so i think bill so it was yeah bill i'm looking i think you go first all right paul you know what i like this time of year oh you know what i like i like points because i feel the teams cover in the first couple of quarters and then they're like, all right, we got to rest this guy. We don't want to fucking have any injuries.
So the Panthers have been inexplicably scoring points lately. I don't know why.
I love Baker Mayfield. I love that guy because I know every success he has, Colin Cowherd has to be, oh man, I'm going to have to say I was wrong, which I've never seen him do.
That's what I'm rooting for. But I got to take the Panthers, get Nate.
They're in the same division. Paul, they play each other two times a year.
It's all about the points. I feel like Baker Mayfield is to get him up, and at some point they're going to take him out of the game.
Although they're going to have to fucking pull him off the field like a pit bull fucking clamping down on a mailman's leg, though. I don't think he's going to want to come out.
Panthers won, too. Panthers are starting to play better, yeah.
Hey, you know, Paul, here's the classic cliche. I don't know what's in the water down there in North Carolina.

I'm taking the Panthers getting eight only because they're getting eight.

That's it, Paul.

I'm done trying to fucking name players.

All right, well, here's my lock of the week.

I think Jake DeLome's going to do great this week in Carolina.

Jake DeLome. Jake DeLome, Holy shit.
I haven't. He was a gamer, dude.
Jake DeLome. He gave the shit out of the Super Bowl.
Jake DeLome was fucking good, dude. He was good.
He was not scared at the Super Bowl. He was having fun.
I'm going to ride out the team that is playing for their lives and playing better. I'm going to take Joey B and the Cincinnati Bengals, minus three and a half.
Oh, you've been riding the Bengals. Dude, I just think that they came on late and they still have a chance.
They're in the hunt, as they say, and they're home. And the Broncos have not – every time you think the Broncos are going to turn that corner with Bo Nix, it's just not happening.
It's just not happening. Paul, is there anything you like better than a team playing for its playoff life? As a favorite? No.
All right. I'm going with the New England Patriots at home.
Fuck this, Fred. They're going to win this game.
Oh! They're going to win this game. Plus four and a half.
And I'm going to find a fucking bar somewhere to watch this goddamn game. Because I can't go a whole season and not see a game.
I have to see this game. If I hook or by crook, I've got to figure it out.
That might be televised, Bill. That's actually...
Oh, shit! The Chargers game! Woo! And it's a Saturday game. That's on tomorrow.
That's a Saturday game. Yeah, the first three are Saturday games.
How do they say it? Where do we come from? Saturday. There's no consonants.
Hey, Andrew, why don't you come over on Saturday? That'll be on at 10 a.m., Bill. It's either Saturday or Saturday.
Dude, I like the Chargers in that game But I don't know Hold on here Well, Jig, didn't you say that they need that, right? To clinch? Oh, Paul, it's the holidays You really gonna go head-to-head with me? Make it fun, no? Hey, Paul, you're playing with house money Hey, who am I? I'll tell you this, Paul Next time we do a gig in Vegas Those bad MGM guys ought to come out and fucking genuflect. Or at the very least, offer you a job at the MGM handicapping games.
We got to get this kid on our side. Just give me like a $100,000 marker.
Let me go have fun. They try and distract him.
They bring him over to a slot machine with his face on it. They're like, no, no, no.
Come over here. By the way, how underrated is the scene in Casino when the Asian billionaire comes off the plane

and they acted like they grounded the plane

because something was wrong with the plane?

And Don Rickles goes,

hey, you know, better down here than,

you know, up there.

Yeah, but he goes,

then with his head up there.

That's the best.

I don't know.

I'm going to think about the Chargers thing because I did like the Chargers, but the Patriots are scaring me right now. All right.
Let's do is Michael Penix Jr. and the Falcons.
He looked really, really good, but I'm going to take the Washington Commanders. Minus four at home because they look really fucking good.
And they're also playing for the division still. It means a lot.
So I'm going to take that minus four at home. Oh, I got two home favorites.
I know you do. All right, I'm going to take the Eagles at home, laying seven against the Cowboys.
Oh, that's a great one. Because I think Nick Soriani is an emotional wreck, and he's going to need to destroy this team in order to sleep at night.
I just feel like he's just had a fucking bipolar trip, I don't know, since the ending of last season. And I think that it's not going to just be enough to beat this team.

I think they need to beat the fuck out of him,

and they need to get some momentum going into it.

I know that they're winning and that type of stuff,

but I just think that they're going to – he doesn't want to slow it down.

I think the ending of last season is haunting him.

And I think he puts his head on the pillow at night,

and he has one of those knitted caps with the pom-pom on top of it,

and he pulls it down over his face. And his wife's going, Nicky, Nicky, it's going to be okay.
It's going to be okay. No, I know.
No, I know. Well, let me see your eyes.
I can't see your eyes. No, I just, you know, what's going on under there, Nicky? You know, just thinking about stuff.
Dude, Bill, imagine Nick Suriani and Rexyan on the same coaching staff dude i love those guys because how do you not see yourself in them yeah they're emotional wrecks they win they're like ah they lose they got their fucking head in the oven who Who doesn't relate to that? Emotional torture. That's why we all drink.
That's why people eat gummies. That's why people watch sports.
Yeah. Yeah, that's true.
They really are like two guys that were fans at a tailgate that just got handed a headset. We're going to kick their fucking ass.

Yeah.

I can't tell if they were not hugged or hugged too much.

Something happened.

Like they're fucking equilibriums.

Me, I was like, I came from the, you know,

take care of it yourself generation.

I think Rex probably not hugged because.

Yeah.

Buddy Ryan was out there coaching and all of that shit. But I think Nick Soriani might've been a little coddled.
I also think, man, yeah, man, I can't eat anymore. I think that if you're, if your dad was like a tough coach in the NFL, there's kind of a chip on your shoulder because probably people were like,

oh, the kid's not going to be like buddy, you know? I don't know.

Unless his dad was like fucking Pesci in Casino and he came home and he always made him pancakes.

Yeah.

Maybe that's why he had the weight issues because that was his only connection with his dad was breakfast. And I feel like if I make a big breakfast, my dad's going to come through the door.
All right, let's keep going here. All right, so what did I...
I just took the Commanders. Yeah, you got two more.
Wait, do I go now? No, you just took the Eagles. I just took the Eagles.
Okay. I mean, dude...
With Nicky Nuts. At some point, I got it.
Can't take it, sorry, probably. You like that one, Paul? What's that? Nicky Nutz.
He's crazy. He's got the balls to go for, but he's also crazy.
Works both ways. I like to think.
Are the 49ers eliminated? They are. By the way, it's another thing.
Why does their stadium look like Paragon Park to me? It just looks like an old fucking roller coaster what was wrong with candlestick i mean i guess it was old but you know yeah that's what's wrong with it is these fucking billionaires see another you know somebody else has a new stadium they gotta have one yeah i'm gonna take my team and go'm charmed at Levi's Stadium. Is Arizona Cardinals eliminated? Yeah, they are.
Call me questions. Pick a fucking team over here.
I'm just taking too many points. The Lions have a lot to play for, if you're thinking about that game.
I'm going to take the Chargers. Go head-to-head with Bill.
Yeah, go Chargers. I'm going'm gonna you know paul the old me would have taken that personally but i don't no i liked it from the gate and all right paul you said what you said you said what you said i like it but i don't like that i have all favorites this is like old me yeah yeah all right this is the stupidest thing i'm ever gonna say i'm gonna take the jets getting nine going into buffalo even though buffalo's coming off that scary game against the patriots i just still think these teams they're gonna fucking kick the shit out of them then they're gonna sit there started down and then here comes the old man on the center seeing his breath woo 54 right i might regret that one the enigma i'm gonna take the jets well i'm gonna do something stupid and something i haven't done in a long time oh he's taking the giants i'm gonna take the giants getting seven and a half i don't think they're gonna win the game i don't think they're gonna win the game game, because I do think that in some way they are kind of phoning it in to get that pick.

But I think that they're going to play and probably lose by a touchdown. So I like the half a point.

Oh, you guys are well on your way to pick. They said the first time in Giants history,

as painful as this stat is, it's really impressive. You guys lost 10 games in a row.
You've never done that. And it's our 100th season and we haven't won a game at home.
Well, the fact that it took a century for that to happen, I felt like that happened to the Patriots a whole bunch when I was a kid. Paul, your Giants pick here is in direct correlation to you having already beat the book.
Just a little bit, right? Just a little bit? A little bit. A little bit.
Let me ask you this, Paul. What are you guys going to draft another quarterback? And do you still go Ivy League? And if you do, are we going to Cornell this time? No, we are going Cam Ward at University of Miami or Deion's son, Sh chador sanders in colorado hi hey what didn't what was it what was jake you might ask what was didn't one team say that they were gonna or was it oh no is that if the eagles if the eagles and which this doesn't make sense now i guess because that affects their placement but if they threw the game they could do it so that it would remove the giants from getting the first pick.
Did I hear that or read that correctly? If the Eagles win this week, they're going to arrest everybody against the giants. And basically they're saying let the giants win.
So the giants don't get the first pick and they dropped to like the eighth pick, which is such a bitch move. Yeah.

It's almost like they get your running back too.

I think you'll be all right.

Karma, go fuck them.

If you lose the post. You know something, a lot of times, you know,

those first couple guys don't work out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A lot of times they don't.

A lot of times because they're going to a team that has no offensive line

and they've just run for their lives, like RG3.

Yeah.

Who knows what that guy could have done?

Really sure. He had more heart than offensive line.
That's what did him in. Jake, I just want to say, Bill, I'm going to take the Patriots with you this week.
All right, I'm going to take the Chargers. Let's go.
And Jake's taking the Chargers. Oh, my God.
We've got a civil war going on here. This is a first.
I love it. You can put me down for the Bengalsals too, by the way, while you're there.
That a boy, Jake. Oh.
Jake is dialed in. He just fucking rattled off two quick picks.
Hey, you know what, Paul? I had the Chiefs, but I forgot to text him. I'm taking the Colts.
I'm in the championship for my fantasy league this year uh i'm in the championship game this week so uh i had lamar he had moms nobody wants to hear about fantasy but i got the colts defense and i picked them because i think they're going to demolish the giants so i'm doubling down so anyways dude lamar jackson is what was he 13 yards away from mike vick career. Lamar Jackson does what Mike Vick does and throws, stays in the

pocket. Lamar Jackson is, what was he, 13 yards away from Mike Vick career? Lamar Jackson does what Mike Vick does and stays in the pocket and throws darts, dude.

Yeah, he's unbelievable.

He's the most exciting NFL player in the league, I think.

Him and Josh Allen, I think.

How the fuck out of the loop am I?

Who the hell is Lamar Jackson?

The Ravens quarterback.

Oh, the Ravens quarterback.

All right.

I don't look at them every week.

I fucking forget their names.

Jalen Hurts, Lamar Jackson, Joe Theismann's down there in Washington, right? Ron Jaworski. Hey, Jake, you got any others you want to know? I know.
I can still name. Me and Barton, we can still name the starting quarterbacks in 1978 throughout the whole league.
Bill Cowher's crushing it with the Steelers still. When I first started watching football, the quarterbacks in my division were Burt Jones with the Colts, Bob Greasy with the Dolphins, Steve Grogan, Joe Ferguson, and Richard Todd.
Dude, Burt Jones is the fucking – that name is unbelievable. Burt Jones was great.
And I swear to God, there's no way you convinced me that he wasn't related to Bob Avellini, the quarterback for the Bears. When they first got Walter Payton, they had Virgil Livers and all of those guys.
Pre-Mike Singletary, I want to say. Have you ever known a Virgil? No, but like black guys have always had cool names.
Those are now old school black guy names. Virgil, Haywood.
Dude, Virgil is unbelievable. Virgil, Leone, Bray.
Oh, they have great names. That's great.
All right. So, dude, we got a lot of head-to-heads this week everybody haywood oh haywoods haywood jones haywood johnson dude that's like they were fucking great names uh those are great names yep leon wait a Virgil? In fact, they were just the names that I had.
A lot of Roberts. What? Wait a minute.
No Virgils are white? Bobby. Dude, the names, the first names of the quarterbacks in my division were Bob, Burt, Steve, and Richard.
What are the names now? Drake, Lamar. No, no.
In the AFC East. Tua and Josh.
Tua, Drake. Josh and Eric.
That's why I can't remember the names, Paul. These names.
Even the white guys have exotic names. Drake.

I never met a Drake my entire life.

I never met a white guy or anybody named Drake.

Drake May.

Drake May.

Yeah.

I would have thought that was his whole last name.

Like Michael Drake May.

No, that's my name.

Drake May. Okay.
They must think old guys like me. What's your name, Bill? What about the NFC North? You got Jameis, Lamar.
Lamar's a great name, even though I couldn't remember who he was. Russell.
And Jordan. Yeah, those names just – they might have been not.
I knew a Jordan, but that was his last name. Wait a minute.
The first name was Rob. Wait a minute.
A white guy can't be named Virgil? Wyatt Earp's brother. Listen, I've only seen one Virgil my whole life, and that was Virgil Livers.
There was a wrestler Virgil, I believe, rest his soul. Yeah, yeah yeah uh what did you say Wyatt Earp's brother yeah Virgil I mean in the movie it was here's another old school black guy named Floyd Floyd Floyd Little that's a great fucking name that's a name you got to bring back Floyd's's great.
Floyd, you got to name a

baby that has that old soul vibe

coming in the room.

I remember Paul thinks Floyd Mayweather now

though. Lydell.

That was a good name.

That's nice. Clyde.

Clyde was a great

one.

But old school, like the old basketball guy. Larry.
Bob McAdoo. Kevin.
The only cool like really. Julius.
How cool is that? Julius Irving. That was a great name.
And then you got into the 80s. those players, and you had the new ones that had a little bit of more flair,

like Dominique.

Dominique Wilson.

Wilkins.

That was a great name.

Dominique Wilkins is maybe the best.

That's maybe the best.

The human highlight film.

Dominique Wilkins might be the best basketball name of all time.

Oh, by the way, we got to do a shout-out here.

Rest his soul to the greatest leadoff baseball hitter

All right. wilkins might be the best basketball name of all time oh by the way we got to do a shout out here rest his soul to the greatest greatest leadoff baseball uh hitter ever oh my god ricky anderson i'm put my hood down for that one dude yeah first time i saw him he was playing for your yankees in the mid 80s after he had gone he went with the a's and broke the stolen base record and dude i remember he got on first base i can't remember if it was a single or a walk.
And that was the years where you walked the guy, you gave him a triple. And, dude, the place was electric.
Nobody was looking at the pitcher. Everybody was watching him.
And he had that little side-to-side thing that he was doing. Even his side-to-side motion seemed like the fastest thing you fucking saw.
It was almost like when Tyson used to do it, when you would walk in, slip your punches,

and then give you the double hooks in the overhand right.

He was fucking electric when he was on the base paths.

You almost like rooted for him to get on because you wanted to experience it.

I tweeted after he passed away. I said, Ricky Henderson was truly the first exciting athlete I ever saw.
It was 1985, 1986, 1987, whatever it was with the Yankees. And me and my brother would just laugh every time he stole.
We'd look at each other and laugh because everybody knew, like you said, when he got on, he wasn't staying there. And yeah, I loved Ricky Henderson, dude.
And it's funny, when I went to Cooperstown, I didn't realize that when you go to Cooperstown, I thought, getting in the Hall of Fame, I thought it meant just being your name in there. When they say get in the Hall of Fame, it means actually have the plaque and the whole thing there.
But when you walk through the wings of Cooperstown, the one thing that I remember was every time I would see a category, whether it was slugging percentage, stolen bases, hits, Pete Rose and Ricky Henderson were one through three, almost on every category through the hallways of the hall of fame. Such an amazing player.
Some argue the greatest. Most leadoff home runs of all time, most most stolen bases probably arguably other than pete rose he's got to be two to like games played played appearances you know at bats um i forget one of those uh baseball analysis on espn was listing all of the things that he was number one in, it's incredible.

Yeah, it's incredible.

And, Jim, talk about gone way too young.

Yeah. He was 65.

That's how he went out of the ball.

Yeah, he played 3,081 games.

He was born in 58.

So his birthday must be right here at the end of the year

because he would have been 66.

He said, if my uniform doesn't get dirty,

I haven't done anything in the baseball game.

Someone also brought up what a great defensive player he was too.

He's what's missing from today's game, you know.

It's all a personality like that.

What he did to the strike zone is nuts.

He would get so low, dude, he made the strike zone his own.

He would be, if you watch how low he would get, he would bend his knees, and he actually made it for him. Yeah, dude, that guy was just, everything he did was fast.
The way when he hit a home run, the way he would snap and flip the bat was fast. Everything was just fast.
And he was all fucking muscle. And he wasn't like the 80s with the skinny legs, dude.
He looked like a fucking running back. His thighs were – he had thighs like – Andrew.
Let me – I know how many – hold on. I'm going to list mine and then everybody else could do it.
But just tell me. You have them all? I'm looking at it.

So, yeah.

All right.

So, I'm going to say, obviously, Oakland, New York.

He played for Boston.

He played for the Angels.

He played for –

Come on.

You're missing a big one in there.

Yeah, there is.

Hold on.

He played for the Padres.

Yeah. He might have won a World series at the place i'm thinking of uh he didn't play for the dodgers did he he did play for the dodgers that was his last team that was where he retired uh a missing one yep oh canada oh he played for the blue jays in 93 that was when they Phillies.
Or was that 92? Dude, that's nine teams right there. I think you're missing the Mets, too.
Yeah, he played for the Mets. I don't want to see that.
Did he play for the Red Sox? Yeah. He did, too.
Yeah, yeah. He did, yeah.
Then when his baseball career was over in major leagues, he went to like – The Newark Bears. Oh, here we go.
Oh, my God. Damn, that's a lot of teams.
Dude, he was on Oakland five times. Yeah, five? I thought it was three.
One, two, three. I think he came back and left again.
That's Mariners. I can't even picture him in a Mariners jersey.

Padres.

Played for the Padres twice.

Oh, my God.

The Dodgers won.

The Dodgers, like, four or five times.

Wait, what was his first year?

What was his first year?

Four or five times.

So he played, like, 25.

He played from 79 to 03?

That's insane.

Dude, I was one years old when that guy started playing baseball. Yeah.
God rest his soul. Dude, 65 pneumonia.
It's like. It's awful.
Yeah. 10,000, almost 11,000 at bats.

Dude, 3,055 hits.

Almost 2,200 walks.

Yeah, the walks are insane.

Dude, his overall batting average.

1,606 stolen bases.

No one's breaking that.

Dude, his overall batting average for all those teams,

even in his old age, almost 280s, nuts.

Yeah, walks.

1,100 stolen bases will definitely not be broken.

No.

I think second is like hundreds off.

He's got to be.

297 home runs.

Are those all lead off or later in his career was he down in the order a little bit?

I think those are totally.

That was another thing that was great.

When he came to town, you didn't have to wait to see him He was the first guy up Dude he was born on Christmas Oh yeah so you're right Bill He was born on Christmas 1958 Yeah Jimmy Foxx Jimmy Foxx is a great name Related Hall of Fam yeah wow well rest in peace to Ricky Henderson yeah uh I know this is gonna sound dumb but like when I heard pneumonia I was just like dude so many people this year getting, that's like still fucking getting people, man.

It's always, pneumonia always gets people. I turned up a newborn who had pneumonia, just passed away.
Yeah, pneumonia will get you. I had it in 2022.
It's crazy. Lucas had it early this year.
Yeah, Lucas had it early this year, dude. He was coughing for like four weeks.
It freaked me the fuck out. It's just, it's brutal.
Yeah, one week into a cough, you got to get get them there because I think it ends up developing into it is what happened to me. What's the difference between a lung infection and pneumonia? I don't want to know.
I have no idea. I just know what it feels like when you have pneumonia and you be coughing so much it hurts to cough.

Your whole fucking throat is just like if I cough one more time,

I think my whole fucking insides are going to come out.

On that thought,

let's get to the Monday night special.

Let's turn this puppy around.

Death and pneumonia into Monday night football.

Here we go.

It's a metaphor for the football season

come drying.

The football's still going to the middle of February,

so don't start fucking crying.

They're just weeding out all the fat chicks.

It's going to be nothing but lean and mean now.

Don't worry.

It's going to be longer next year

when they add another game.

No, they're not.

They probably are.

I hope they vote against that.

They're playing through.

Yeah, they're going to play through March.

Well, I don't know about that, but close.

Is anybody a subscriber to leave them wanting more?

Chiefs have played every day of the week this year,

except I think it was Tuesday.

So pretty impressed, which is crazy.

They're just so greedy, but whatever.

Wow, that's funny.

Yeah.

That's amazing. They're the first team

ever that's gotten away with holding on

six out of seven days.

They have one loss.

They haven't scored over 30 points

in a game all year.

That's a prop bet. BetMGM should put that as a prop bet.

Did you see those stats?

Under over non-holding

calls for the Chiefs.

On Tuesday.

Let's do it. What do we got, Andrew? It's Lions, Niners.
Niners are getting three and a half. Over, unders, 50 and a half.
Lions are going to beat them. Oh, wait.
Did we hit the Monday night special? Last week. We did.
Last week. Let me pull that up.
We took the 14 and a half points. No, we said that they were going to cover.
They did. We took the Saints to cover.
Well, you sound like an old lady right now when you catch getting the wrong change back. Like, no, no, wait a minute.
No, you lost because the Saints didn't score a point. No, we didn't take the Saints.
Who did we take? Did we take Green Bay? We said Green Bay was going to beat them by 20. That's right.
Jesus. We won last week? We won the spread.
I was born 0. We said it was 0.8% on the fucking Monday night special.
Wait, no, no, no. We got to find out.
Did the running back score a touchdown? Oh, did I celebrate too soon?

It's going to review.

Did Josh Jacobs score a touchdown last week for Green Bay?

I think he did.

Okay.

I'm going to check.

I'm going to check.

This will be the third one.

This will be.

Paulie's already backpedaling down the court. That ball is going in.
He did score a touchdown. I don't know what the third leg was, though.
All right. So we had Josh Jacobs.
And we had Jordan Love to throw one. Did Jordan Love throw one? We did it.
Jordan Love passed the two-yard touchdown. Yeah.
We did it. We did it.
Not only did we go 12-4, but we hit the special. Oh, we're coming in strong at the end.
We're killing it. Hell yeah.
All right, let's go. We've never hit two specials in a row, Paul.
Let's do this. And if we hit one more special, we tie our record for the year we always did it.
So we got to get this one. What is our record? Four? I think we hit four in a year.
All right. All right, So I love the Lions to beat them up bad.
The 49ers aren't playing for anything. They're probably banged up.
They're resting. They're playing for respect.
And the Lions got to get home field. I say we take the Lions and the...
Yeah. What happened there, Paul? You had a little fucking cardiac episode? You got all ch got all choked up you believe in this bet so much man you're making me tear up over here they're gonna close it strong imagine i just uh i like the lions i love jared goff i think he's the most underrated quarterback in football i really do uh i finally somebody fucking saying that somebody handling something about him.
What are you talking about? He's playing for the Lions and he's killing it. That was a great trade for both teams.
Even though the Rams aren't doing that well, they got their ring. Now it's the Lions' turn.
You like that storyline? You know what I love? If Jared Goff wins a Super Bowl this year, him and Matt Stafford go to a bar together, have a beer, they clink, and they go. We did it.
That's a good commercial. Dude, that's a great commercial.
That just reminded me of Bird and Magic. Yeah.
When they got them together to play the 101. I'm old.
Nobody remembers. All right, let's go.
Okay, so we're taking the Lions, laying three and a half. Why is it so fucking small? That's what she said.
Why is the spread so small? That's what he said. Be progressive.
I'm sure that happens in the gay community too. Sorry.
I don't know why that number is so low. Got to take it.
Have you seen that kid who's fucking doing the Italian thing? Have I sent you that kid yet? Which kid? Over the fucking top Italian It's the funniest shit ever They're asking that fat baseball player What do you eat? Something bowls or whatever They just cut to themselves This cut to himself. I can't do it.
Look at this guy. He's like running out of air.
What about when he was going through the chocolates? And he was just like... Creme Bruise.
Look at this guy. He's eating meatballs Dude I drive my wife nuts with that shit Whenever those videos come up at night I am like fucking dying laughing She's like I get it I'm like this is fucking hilarious It's so funny Did you see those guys who did the Quessant video No Oh my god They go in and they're like Americans but they're going can I get a croissant And they start going croissant Croissant and they start doing all this thing And they're yelling across the street croissant The guy goes Nice and he says it in an English accent And they keep doing it And then they fucking come And there's a's a guy dressed as like a stereotypical French guy sitting at a bus stop with like a beret on and the striped shirt.
They go, croissant, croissant. Then they see him.
Then they're all fucking nervous because he's the real deal. And they start playing that.
I don't know who plays the song. You know that.
Whatever that old school. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They started doing this thrash metal thing saying croissant it's fucking amazing no that's great that's so funny internet dude I'm telling you did you watch that thing I sent you that fucking the Rodney Dangerfield tape I did not yet no oh my god no he sends this it's him telling the band that's gonna to be there. That's going to be backing them on his show.
All their cues. And it's the funniest shit ever because he's doing the jokes.
And he goes, I went to a Chinese. He goes, okay, so when I say I went to a Chinese restaurant and they said we invented a new dish for you.
One dumb fuck. Then the bass drum goes boom.

That's great.

Except it's like Rodney.

One dumb fuck.

Boom.

The bass drum.

Hey, you got to hit it after I say fuck, okay?

That's great.

Yeah, then I say, hey, what are you guys doing?

Then the whole band stands up and he says, we're fucking idiots.

Then I go into. it's like a four minute

audio tape.

And he's serious, right? Yeah.

And in the end, when he's done,

he actually says like a joke. He goes,

hey, I already don't get enough respect. Don't fuck it up.

He kind of makes a joke, you know,

but

but like everything is a whole

act and everything was tight as a drum. Not only his act, but, like, his interaction with the band.
And I just can't imagine, you know, I sent it to, like, comedians and musician friends of mine. And all the musician friends were like, dude, if I had a gig and I had to listen to Rodney and knew that, you know, I had to play some drums at that point, he goes, I would be fucking fulfilled as a musician.
Let's finish here. We got the Lions laying three and a half.
We got Goff to throw one. Yeah, that's a good call.
Then what do you want to do? St. Brown? I don't know.
You want to do anything on the other side?

I guess they're so banged up.

They're banged up.

Both of them get held on every play and for some reason

they don't fucking call it.

What does the NFL have against that kid?

Every time I see him, he's got both arms up

like, what the fuck?

His jersey's like this.

He's always getting fucking held.

What should the third one be? You know what it is, Paul? You know what I heard? You know what I heard? Nothing. I'm just fucking with you.
How about Jameer Gibbs? Two plus touchdowns. Two? That's a lot.
It's the end of the year, Paul. You already be paid.
When a guy with 44 wins is sitting there and he gives you a little fucking Paul Newman talk of the head there, I don't know.

Yeah, we could do...

I mean, Montgomery's out, right?

He's out, yeah.

Oh, Montgomery Ward closed down a long time ago.

Let's do...

I'm the guy who knows nothing about football anymore.

Let's do Gibbs to score one.

And then you want to add a fourth?

No, Paul, let's not get fucking Paul.

Paul's already popping the call to our little Ricky Henderson here. Come on.
Come on. Shout out to Andrew Themless for getting the Montgomery Ward reference.
I remember that store. Yeah, that's fun.
Paul, I can see you shopping there as a seven-year-old, and it doesn't make any sense. You just have the four-door sedan in you coming out.
I like this. is a nice shirt you know you're dressed like an old man that's my favorite thing about paul paul's been paul's had old man vibes in a good way not that he's old okay you should see the guy get around the track when he goes down the street i'm telling you he's nimble but he understands like he's understood life like an old man since i've known him.
Bill, it's so funny you say that.

I remember I was like 16, 17.

My stepfather was like, what kind of car?

What kind of car do you want?

Like 18?

And I was like, I don't know.

I was like, do you want to go look at Buicks?

I was like, I kind of like those four-door Buicks.

Dude, I was like 17, 18, and he just started laughing.

I just loved.

I'm like, where am I going?

I'm not going fast.

I want a fucking nice whip.

Like a nice. Yeah, I like to watch people going fast.
I'm not into it. No.
I like going on a nice drive. I like to cruise.
Yeah, nice cruise with a lady. Fucking take your fucking head.
No, I'm kidding. You can't go fast when you're doing that.
Take it down the legs. Switch over over, sweetheart.
I got a convertible. What are we doing? I'll put the top up.
All right. I'll put the top up.
There we go. All right.
We'll do Lions to cover. No, Lions to.
Yeah, cover three and a half. Jared Goff to throw one.
And Jameer Gibbs to run one. Andrew wants two.
I mean, two is going to take us out of the bed. All right, we'll just do one.
Come on. We're trying to make more people money.
We're trying to win, huh? Yeah. All right, everybody.
There you go. We went 12 and four last week for you, and we hit the Monday night special.
We're going to try to do it again in week 17. Guys.
What do we have to do here? We're fucking leaving these pics right at the door for these people. I mean, put the paper inside the fucking screen door.
The only thing we're not doing is leaving a fucking envelope of cash. You're not leaving an envelope of cash.
They're fucking mailbox. Now watch next week.
We go fucking 0-16. What do you want me to do? Fucking tape the cash to your fucking front door? Guys, this week,

next week,

I will be at Levity Live

performing New Year's Eve,

7 and 10 o'clock.

We added it late,

but I can't wait to be there.

First time I've been in that building

since I shot my Netflix special.

Get tickets, Levity Live,

and go to PaulVersey.com

for more dates.

And then, yeah,

I mean, that's pretty much it. You want to hear something? If you don't heckle them, they'll give you a couple of picks.
My mother-in-law has been here. You ready for this? No, my mother-in-law.
Let me tell you. My mother-in-law has been here since December 19th.
She was here for Thanksgiving for a few days. She's been here since December 19th.
She's leaving today. And I got to say, zero issues.
Amazing. I mean, zero.
Zero. Did you expect any? One or two comments I could have done without, but that's me.
That's me. Other than that.
Hey, Paul, you know what? You go for a walk. Listen.
You go for a walk.

The one way more.

You go for a walk.

She was great.

Hey, is there anything I can get you?

No, no.

You want anything to eat?

You want me to fix you something?

Can you get me something?

You can get the fuck out of here so I can enjoy my holiday.

Get to the airport.

You can get them feet moving and take a fucking walk right out the front door.

Take out the trash while you're at it.

Thank you. You get them feet moving and take a fucking walk right out the front door.

Take out the trash while you're at it, sweetheart.

You know those people, you need a ride to the airport?

No, I got it.

I'm happy to try it. You're helping them with their bags.

No, I got it.

I got it.

Let's go.

Let's go.

They got a good lounge.

Car's already warmed up.

Dude, have you been to the Delta Lounge?

It's incredible.

Get their own. She's like, where are my bags? Oh, they have a bag.
She's like, I overnighted them. Got it.
You have to. You got status? Dude, we're going.
We're going now. Mimosas are there.
You grab one. No, we're going to go now.
I'd love for you to stay longer, but you got status with Delta Airlines. I mean, you're going to miss out.
Isn't it too early? I want you to take advantage of the platinum.

Isn't it too early to go to the airport? No, no, no. 9-11.
You've got to get there

early. Five hours.

After the holidays, I'm telling you, it's going to be

a zoo. No, dude.
This time of year?

You pull up,

there's like nobody there. It's all awkward.

Dude, I can't mention the name,

but we're at my house

at my 4th of July party and there's a couple of comics that i'm close with in the living room talking and one of them says i can't mention one of them goes hey dude so-and-so like should we invite so and so like because he's home and it was just a guy that was a what i like to call do without. So it's like you like

him, but you could do without him.

And I just go, ah, dude, traffic

right now is going to be...

Everyone just started laughing. I go, don't do that

to him. Don't do that.

Dude, if he gets on the road now,

you go like this, you go, now? No. What's he going to get here?

He's going to get here at 7 o'clock and I'm going to even enjoy

it.

It's all right if he shows up, but it's all right if he doesn't. Why would he do that to his girlfriend? He'd be sitting in the car all day.
Stay, stay, relax. It's a game on.
We're running out of chairs. I mean, we have chairs for him, but they're not, they're not comfortable.
It's not worth the drive to sit in that chair. He might not make the fireworks.
He might not make the fire. He's going to be in a car.
Look, if you asked me 20 minutes ago, 20 minutes ago, you start lying out.

I wouldn't be saying the exact same shit 20 minutes ago.

Or you put it on the person who offered it.

Why'd you tell me now?

Why'd you tell me now?

Oh, my God.

You shouldn't have told me last night.

I would have fucked up.

I knew there was somebody I forgot to invite.

All right, everybody.

That's why this show is the best.

Hey, and this is another thing, too. If it's this time of year

and you're calling around to see what people are doing,

you were a fucking douche for 11 months.

Hey, man.

Just want to say Merry Christmas. Are you guys doing anything no dude you have to invite a party the way you draft the team it's who gets along it's you know you get a pen you go ahead oh yeah you can't bring someone that doesn't fit into your system no you go like this you go yeah he go, yeah, he's good.
How's the wife? Nah. Drinks too much.
Drinks too much. You know what? She starts crying after the fourth glass.
No good. I can't do it.
Nice guy. They're out.
And then the wife's always good. No, but they're getting a little better now.
I'm telling you. I'm telling you.
Alcohol brings out the truth. That's what she's telling you.
That's what she's telling you. The alcohol brings out the truth.
Amen. Oh, it's so great.
So true. How funny would that be? Hey, can I invite someone? No, too loud.
Brassy. You know my favorite old school guys who say she's brassy.
Yeah. He wanted to go to jail.
You know who goes to jail? They want it because he wanted to get away from his wife.

He wanted to get away from his wife.

That's how dumb.

That was really saying how dumb the lives are, though, in that movie.

Dude, Too Brassy was my fucking favorite.

Let's just say she has that.

She's not going to shut the fuck up.

And her voice is that the rarity.

Yeah.

The rare female voice that no matter what register,

that person has a complete inability to give you a hard on. Doesn't even make sense.
You know what? We saw, I saw, I saw a wife ruin her. I saw a wife ruin her invitation to my house forever.
Hey, Paul, you could have stopped at wife. I saw his wife, right? It was over.
What they do, Paul. We say dumb shit and they ruin good times.
It is what it is. Oh, I thought you meant saw the wife like she was, hey, it's a dog show.
I can't have a dog show in the house. No, I just, yeah, you know, he brought his wife.
All right. And then problems ensue.
No, Stacey is like an overly, one thing we pride in in the Verzi household is where we like to overly host. Make sure you had a drink.
You need something. You're empty.
You're hungry. And Stacey went over to do it.
And one insecure wife was just fucking yapping. And like she got mad.
Stacey. Roll up the newspaper, Paul.
Right across the snow. I know.
No, she goes. She goes, hey, can I get get you and like she just kind of looked at my wife like i'm talking and it was like and and my wife was like in your house at my house oh paul that's what a bay window's for you gotta throw them right through like axel foley yeah she said i'm talking that's insane oh she didn't say i.
She just kind of looked like, like she kind of looked as if like you're interrupting me.

And my wife was going over to make sure she didn't need anything.

Oh, it's super rude.

You know?

Yeah, really rude.

Just say your name.

Say your name.

I'll bleep it out.

Don't worry.

You know what?

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

I'm joking.

Janet Rossi.

It'll be funny, Stacey. No dog shows, okay? Nice people, but no dog shows.
We would never do that, you know? Look, Paul, we have a rep here, okay? I need a reputation coming up the walk. Hey, Paul, can I invite Jennifer over? I don't know.

Is she hot?

Here's some other dumb things you can say to ruin your holiday.

No, she's on Ozempic.

All right.

Give it a shot, all right?

All right.

All right, guys.

You know what's funny about people on Ozempic? They all have that look of doubt on their face. You know what I mean? Like they can't believe it either.
They know it's coming back. And that's also the muscle they lost in their cheeks.
Yeah, no shit. It's like they lose like a third muscle.
No, dude, it's actually the only diet thing that like your muscle, like it takes away your muscle mass. Yeah, you start looking like Skeletor, which is me saying that, too.
Dude, there's a fucking guy on my block, right? This fucking chatterbox. Dude, there's this chatterbox on my block.
He's always gossiping about everybody. I try to blow him off.
It's this fat fuck with a mullet. He's always waving at me and shit, right? And then I didn't see him for a while.
And then I swear to God, I'm driving down the street and this fucking string bean is waving at me. I'm like, who the fuck is this guy? I just keep seeing him.
And then I finally said to my wife, I'm like, is that fucking someone? I think he did Ozempic. Oh, shit.
Dude, he looks like he has a blood disease. Yeah.
His face is all gone. Yeah.
By the way, it's my favorite Aerosmith lyric what uh what was it uh when they were talking about their drug addiction it's uh walking on gucci wearing east saint laurent barely stay on because i'm so goddamn gone and you just picture wearing this this fucking designer suit and and like you know which usually makes you look great but's looking at him like death. Goes by real quick.
Yeah. Aerosmith rocks for anybody else over 55 listening to this podcast.
Yeah. Walking on Gucci wearing a cellar on barely stay on cause I'm so goddamn gone.
I know. I should have just said it, you know, then I had to sing it.
All right, Paul, can you end this podcast for me? It's a good way to end But it's been a fun one Let's be honest Last one of the year Everybody have a happy and healthy new year Come and see your boy If you're on the tri-state area Telling some jokes on New Year's Eve Counting that bookie money Those are our picks I'll Hey, listen, I'll do a meet and greet. I'll give you a tip, all right? Pauly the Greek.
Oh, wait a minute. We got two Greeks on this.
We do. Brushing it.
It'd be funny if I took a picture with a fan after the show, and I was like, dude, Jaguars are going to cover. Take care, right? What if Greeks were the only people casinos were afraid of? For some reason you guys just had this fucking innate ability to get around it.
They'd find a way to ban us. Hey, that's it.
I knew a guy. I worked at my dad's store growing up and we had Keno and this guy was Greek and yeah, he didn't have the gene.
This guy would come and play keno i mean every day he didn't have it he didn't have it man you're gonna get that though oh god you come you know it's like that's like set up for you to lose i mean like picking a game i know that's set up to lose but there's a little more thought involved keno you're just pushing buttons right well no it's like you pick you come he'd let walk in. He'd be like, four numbers, $5, one game.
He'd bet $5 to get four numbers five games. It'd be like a quick pick.
He'd come out and he'd go, oh, these are terrible numbers. I like this.
I like these numbers. Then come back the next week and say, oh, these are oh man all right all right let's wrap this up

because i gotta i gotta hang with my wife today oh all right guys those are the picks you guys know what to do uh bet responsibly if you want to uh you know use the app it's the best app out there bet mgm you put a ten dollars right deposit ten dollars and you get fifteen hundred in bonus bets if the bet loses

after the first bet is

settled. Your original bet

is... right? Deposit $10 and you get 1500 in bonus bets.
If the bet loses, uh, after the first, uh, bet is, uh, settled your, your original, uh, bet is settled and go use our code burr B U R R. There you go.
Uh, first touchdown, you do a player prop, any player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown you win. If it gets the second touchdown, uh, you will get your, uh, cash.
Uh, you will get your stack back in cash.

There you go.

Bet responsibly, everybody.

Have a good week 17 of the NFL.

Let's see what we can do, and I'll see you at Levity Live.

That's it.

All right.

Happy New Year, everybody.

Thank you so much for watching again this season.

We'll see you later.

Happy New Year.

Bye.

Bye, guys.

Later, guys.