Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-26-24

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 3 hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast and i

Speaker 1 la la la la la la la

Speaker 3 la la la la i'm checking in on you i try to make it the holiday the holiday season

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 3 podcast I don't know. I try to infuse it and it didn't work.

Speaker 3 What are you going to do?

Speaker 3 What are you gonna do? It didn't work. Just like your ex-wife.
Didn't work.

Speaker 3 Bonjour, bonsoir, bon prémé

Speaker 3 tout.

Speaker 3 Je ma per guillaum, et je suis sièu, pascal

Speaker 3 jai un bon noel. You guys have a good Christmas.
I had a great Christmas.

Speaker 3 I had a great Christmas.

Speaker 3 C'est puffé. It was perfect.

Speaker 3 I got to tell you this cute story.

Speaker 3 When I was a little boy,

Speaker 1 trou rouge.

Speaker 3 Cetonoro.

Speaker 3 I was faced with a selfie's choice when I was a kid. And this is probably how I ended up being a comedian.
The trauma of this. I was in a department store

Speaker 3 back in Massachusetts, and my mother

Speaker 3 was getting me some new pajamas.

Speaker 3 And she brings me over to the pajamas section. She said, pick out the pajamas you want.
And I'm scanning the pajamas.

Speaker 3 And the first thing I see is the Bugs Bunny stuff. And I love Bugs Bunny, right? And they had Bugs Bunny playing basketball and Bugs Bunny playing football.

Speaker 3 And I was like, oh, like, I loved football from the time I remember watching TV. And like, when I was a little kid, I didn't know they were wearing pads.
So I thought their shoulders were that big.

Speaker 3 I thought they were these little,

Speaker 3 like, these, these, not little, I thought they were like these fucking hulks just slamming into each other. Interestingly enough,

Speaker 3 right as I was about ready to pick Bugs Bunny playing football,

Speaker 3 you know, he had the old school leather helmet on, and he was holding the football, running for a touchdown. Nobody near him, right?

Speaker 1 He could go all the way, right?

Speaker 3 And I look to the left, and what do I see? I see Hulk pajamas.

Speaker 3 And the Hulk is built like the football players. I don't know, like they're wearing, I didn't know what they were wearing pads.

Speaker 3 So I'm like, I'm looking at him, and he's green, and he's shredded, and he's fucking angry. And it's green, and I've always loved green.
So I was going, I couldn't make up my mind. So I said, Ma,

Speaker 1 Ma, come over here.

Speaker 3 Oh, I was young.

Speaker 1 Ma, Ma, come over here.

Speaker 3 You know, I wanted both. Could I get both? And she said, no.

Speaker 3 Because it was the 70s. And that's a word kids heard a lot.

Speaker 1 She was like, no, you.

Speaker 3 She's like, I'm going to do some more shopping. Another thing, you just leave your kids, right? I'm going to fucking pick.

Speaker 3 how every kid was not abducted in the 70s is just fucking beyond me. So she walks away in a department store.
So me and my brother are standing there.

Speaker 3 He's trying to figure out what he wants, and I cannot make up my mind. I am agonizing.

Speaker 3 Agonizing. And I just couldn't make up my mind.
And I finally, I chose Bugs Bunny playing football because I loved football and I loved Bugs Bunny.

Speaker 3 I loved a Hulk too, but there was two things that I loved or whatever. And I grabbed a button.
I finally, she said, Come on, we got to go, pick one.

Speaker 3 So I reached for a Hulk and then went over and grabbed Bugs Bunny, handed it to her, and then she, you know, took me by my arm the way they used to.

Speaker 3 You know, your first separated shoulder is your mother giving you the let's go tug, right? So she's pulling me out, and as we're walking away, I'm looking over at my shoulder, sad,

Speaker 3 looking at the Hulk pajamas.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 every time I wore the Bugs Bunnies, I loved them, but I always thought about the Hulk pajamas and I never got them all right so here we are fucking 50 years later

Speaker 3 I told that story to my daughter because she was going through something where she wanted something you know

Speaker 3 you know and then she had to make a choice or whatever and it brought me back to that moment and what I always do whenever my kids are going through some stuff is rather than talk to them about them,

Speaker 3 I tell them a story of when I was going through the same thing. Like if they have to do like a performance at school and they're nervous,

Speaker 3 I go, of course, you're nervous. I always get nervous right before I go on stage.
And then my daughter's like, you do? Yeah, yeah. My stomach's in knots.
I'm hoping it's going to go well.

Speaker 3 But then once I get out there, I have so much fun.

Speaker 3 And then when it's over, I feel great. I feel proud about myself because I went up and I did it, right? I do stuff like that.
Or like if my kids are feeling sad, I just sort of clock that.

Speaker 3 And a few days later,

Speaker 3 I'll, you know, I'll just sort of work in how I was sad today. And, you know, it makes them feel like it's all right to have all these emotions, right? So what were you sad about that?

Speaker 3 Well, you know, I was thinking about some friends that I lost and haven't seen in a while and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And whatever, right?

Speaker 3 So anyway, I related that story to her. I forget what the heck she was dealing with.
She had like

Speaker 3 something about sports, something about soccer. She had to make a choice, right? And I could see it was bugging her.
So I told her that story, right?

Speaker 3 And about how sometimes, you know, you don't get everything, but if you get something, that's still great, right? So I tell her that story. And guess what she got me for Christmas at 56 years of age?

Speaker 3 I got Hulk pajamas.

Speaker 1 Now, granted,

Speaker 3 no offense to Comic-Con people. Comic-Con people, I am way too old for that shit, right? But it was the gesture that she did, and I made sure I told her that night.

Speaker 3 I said in the hallway, I said, sweetheart, I go, you just made a childhood dream come true. Thank you so much.
She just broke out ear-to-ear grin and gave me a big hug.

Speaker 3 And I was thinking, there you go. That's my Christmas right there.
So look at that. Usually a gloom and doom podcast.

Speaker 3 I started off with a nice story that I like to think in my own egomaniac fucking skull that you guys all just went, oh.

Speaker 3 But I know there's a lot of you damaged fuck were like, oh, Billy fucking pussy tits or whatever.

Speaker 3 And I don't take that personally. And whenever somebody says something like that to me, all I hear is the lack of hugs in your childhood.

Speaker 3 Or if you're just Irish, like you just, it's, you're born with it.

Speaker 3 Before, before somebody doesn't love you, before you don't get the hugs, before your dad spends the weekly paycheck down in the pubs doing some Angela, Angela's ashes shit, right?

Speaker 3 You're just, they're just fucking born with it.

Speaker 3 The Irish people are simultaneously my favorite people and the most miserable cunts I've ever met in my life.

Speaker 3 I wouldn't even say that. I would say the English are.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? Because at least the Irish still have something to go for. It's like the English are there and they were there and it just didn't fill them up and now they're just cunts, right?

Speaker 3 And it always blows my mind out. The English are like the, that's like the, the English are the European version of

Speaker 3 American New Yorkers like American New Yorkers they just think they fucking know everything they think where they live is the be-all end-all and their shit doesn't fucking stink it's very relatable whenever I go over to England right it's so funny they always say right what's the soul of the guns mate they don't understand it war you call football right always fucking you know you don't you don't use your feet you use your hands

Speaker 3 you use your hands like they think they're the first person that ever fucking said that every time you go over there there and then say well what's with the guns mate?

Speaker 1 It's fucking crazy over there, right?

Speaker 3 At least that's what they sound like to me All right, they all sound high-pitchy Ricky Gervais to me

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 and I always want to look at me just be like what do you mean what the fuck happened over here? You started what happened over here

Speaker 3 The fuck did you come over to America with with your ships you come over with a bunch of flowers?

Speaker 3 You didn't you came over with cannons and muskets and then and all what are those other fucking long guns, right?

Speaker 3 So musket the pistol back then

Speaker 3 the Bugs Buddy one that flared out and you just fucking shot metal at people. You guys started this shit over, you guys, the French and the Spaniards.

Speaker 3 And then all these years later, after you set the fucking tone over here, you wonder why it still exists.

Speaker 3 You're like the abusive parent.

Speaker 3 Who then just blames it.

Speaker 5 I don't know what he's so angry about.

Speaker 3 He used to be a happy kid. Yeah, and then I had you as a parent.
And that went out the fucking window, didn't it?

Speaker 3 anyway, yeah, if you don't understand America, that's because you live in a fucking country where it's all you, basically. It's all you, and then there's a little bit not you.

Speaker 3 And do you get along with them? Do they feel welcome in your country? They don't. That's our entire country.
Our entire country is a bunch of fucking people that weren't from here.

Speaker 3 Our ancestors were not fucking from here. There's all these different teams.
And we have CNN and Fox News to make sure we all fucking hate each other every goddamn week.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 3 And there you go. This country was stolen.

Speaker 3 We're driving a hot car over here and you don't know when the cops are showing up. So everybody's fucking strapped.
That's what's going on here.

Speaker 3 And it's been going on so long, you're not going to fucking stop it. So enough with the stupid fucking questions.

Speaker 3 Why do you use your hands in football? Because soccer is boring. No, it isn't.
It's a beautiful game. It's a beautiful fucking game if it's not played here.

Speaker 3 But if it's played here by Mexicans, then it's beautiful. But

Speaker 3 they're from a country, or at least their ancestors are, if they're native to this country, that appreciates that fucking game. Because

Speaker 3 it's a gorgeous game.

Speaker 3 Here's another question I have for the English. I don't understand why you're so into fucking

Speaker 1 racing,

Speaker 3 why you're so into high performance and all of that. You know? It's like, what's that, that top tier show?

Speaker 3 And that old cunt on there is always making fun of American cars and technology, which I totally get. But then you go out and you buy an English car.

Speaker 3 It's the biggest piece of shit you're ever going to. Like the Range Rover engine, that's the best you can fucking do.

Speaker 3 You buy a Range Rover, you just fucking married the lemon-law here in the United States, and that's your idea of a luxury fucking SUV. You guys ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Speaker 3 And anytime they have that fucking F1 race or the Moto GP race over in England, they're, oh my god, this legend, oh, this is Lewis Hamilton's favorite fucking place.

Speaker 3 I guarantee you what Lewis Hamilton doesn't drive, a fucking fucking Jaguar or a Range Rover.

Speaker 6 He's got a Mercedes.

Speaker 3 Sure, he's got something Italian.

Speaker 3 100 fucking percent.

Speaker 3 All I can say is thank God the English don't make planes.

Speaker 3 They'd be going down left and right now. Roy, you fucking can't they all got Rolls-Royce engines in him? Rolls-Royce people, there's always an exception to the rule.

Speaker 3 They're the Larry Bird, the inexplicable, uncoordinated fucking white guy that can somehow play at the NBA level. That's what Rolls-Royce says.
Everything else is fucking garbage.

Speaker 3 Your triumphs, your fucking Jaguars, your fucking Range Rovers, garbage.

Speaker 3 They look good.

Speaker 1 Roy.

Speaker 3 Fucking brilliant. Pretty to look at.
Pretty to look at as you drive it to the fucking mechanic.

Speaker 1 Anyway, there we go. That ought to rile up some fucking pasty cunts over there.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 3 plowing ahead here. I had a great fucking Christmas.
Shout out to Amazon drivers on strike. I like what you're doing.
I like what you're doing.

Speaker 3 Enough with these fucking internet nerds taking over the fucking world and then on top of that not paying anybody.

Speaker 3 You fucking stay on strike.

Speaker 3 You stay on strike.

Speaker 3 Fucking...

Speaker 3 What's it like to drive a truck like a man working for somebody you fucking you know walks around in feet pajamas

Speaker 1 It's got to be terrible

Speaker 1 Anyway, plowing

Speaker 3 I'm in my pod my new podcast studio has been my car lately I'm sitting in my car like a fucking maniac and what the best thing is is I'm such a loud jerk off that even when people walk by, they can they even with the windows up they think I'm in an argument, you know, with my significant other whatever that might be

Speaker 3 in this day and age um

Speaker 3 but uh you know that's not the case that's not the case i had a great christmas everything is is is is is is wonderful uh the patriots have a quarterback now i saw some of the highlights of the bills game you know i don't have i don't have the nfl package this year so all i'm seeing is the the rams and the chargers and uh I just saw the highlights.

Speaker 3 You know, we had a bad little play in the end. Gave him a fucking touchdown.
But,

Speaker 3 you know, Drake May, Drake May, we can build around this guy. I believe in this guy.
And the Pats, you know, slowly but surely are going to come back.

Speaker 3 And I actually believe that they're going to be coming back. Whereas a kid, I always knew, hey, if we just get the wild card, I was happy just because that's where we were.

Speaker 3 And then came a guy named Robert Kraft. That guy has gone three for three with coaches.
I mean, the three greatest coaching hires right in a row by any owner. Bill Parcells.

Speaker 3 Okay, we'll give him that one. Everybody already knew he was a fucking legend, but he was able to get him.

Speaker 3 And then we go to Pete Carroll. Woo! Pete Carroll,

Speaker 3 the fucking khaki king himself, right?

Speaker 4 Woo!

Speaker 3 Still running up and down the stairs. Don't let that Flanders vibe fool you.
That guy was fucking an alpha.

Speaker 3 Dressed in fucking, I go to church every week clothing. And then he hires the one and only, the Paul Brown of today, Bill Belichick.

Speaker 3 Fucking incredible.

Speaker 3 So I'm believing in everything, and I'm very excited that,

Speaker 3 you know, it was a rough couple of years, whatever, rough couple of years. I can shake that off.

Speaker 3 I had a rough couple decades. I'm going to tell you, it was rough before all of that shit happened.
So I'm very excited where they are at.

Speaker 3 I'm also excited to have time off. I'm excited that the script is handed in.
Now I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting for the feedback. You know, we're handing in.
This is fucking great.

Speaker 3 And then every second that I don't hear the feedback, I'm like, wait a minute, is it not?

Speaker 3 Oh, the doubt.

Speaker 3 The doubt is fucking creeping in.

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Menescalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht and the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Manascalco, it ain't right. Premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.
Terms apply.

Speaker 3 Anyway,

Speaker 3 I had

Speaker 3 my nine-millionth meltdown about what I consider to be arguably the biggest lie

Speaker 3 in America in the 20th century. Like, if you had to, like, think, what is the biggest lie?

Speaker 3 Okay, you're probably going Federal Reserve, magic bullet theory.

Speaker 3 You know, we didn't see the entire Japanese Navy coming across the fucking ocean.

Speaker 3 I mean, then you can go like fucking conspiracy. That is a lot of that is conspiracy.
That's all conspiracy. What am I talking about? But the newer conspiracies, 9-11 Inside Job,

Speaker 1 fucking

Speaker 3 lizard people.

Speaker 3 There's aliens that we're already fucking in business with.

Speaker 3 Can you imagine seeing this fucking place as an alien? You're like, yeah, I can do something with that.

Speaker 3 Can you imagine that?

Speaker 3 I mean, why would you think that, other than this is the only planet around that seems like it's got some shit going on?

Speaker 3 I mean, the only reason why I think the fucking aliens would stop here is because there's some hoo-as.

Speaker 1 Other than that,

Speaker 3 we've got some good music music too.

Speaker 3 Some nice weather, but I don't know what they breathe, right?

Speaker 3 That's what gets me about these fucking aliens. They just show up and they can breathe in our atmosphere.

Speaker 3 Why am I afraid of a fucking alien if all I gotta do is just rip your gas mask off?

Speaker 3 You know, just'cause they can get here doesn't mean they have like fucking superpowers.

Speaker 3 I mean, if that fucking nerd on Twitter could get a rocket to fucking go up and stick another satellite like we need more surveillance up there and then come back and park in the same parking spot, if that fucking laminated,

Speaker 3 dyed, hair-plugged cunt

Speaker 3 can make that happen, you're telling, you know, you're telling me that there's other people with more of a head start

Speaker 3 can't make some fucking, you know,

Speaker 3 glue a couple plates together and fly over here?

Speaker 3 But that doesn't mean that

Speaker 3 they're like,

Speaker 3 well, I guess some of the shit that they've been showing lately,

Speaker 3 I'm just stopping in midair and then just going fucking light speed. All right, they're a little ahead of us in aviation, all right?

Speaker 3 But I mean, that happens in the world. I mean, I heard Asia.
I heard their fucking cell phones are way beyond ours, you know? Doesn't mean they're going to take over the world,

Speaker 3 you know? But

Speaker 3 CNN and Fox News are saying different things, aren't they? I don't even watch those channels. I just blame them for everything.
It just feels good. You know?

Speaker 3 Who better to blame than just a bunch of fucking people walking around acting like they're journalists when they're not?

Speaker 3 When was the last time you were walking down the street and you saw somebody with a Fox News or a fucking CNN card tucked into their fedora to go get on the scene and cover a story?

Speaker 3 They're not doing that. They're in the office in a controlled environment.
Reading some ticker tape and then fucking figuring out how to spin it their way. Oh, Jesus, Bill.

Speaker 3 I thought you had a good Christmas. What's going on? You're going dark here, dude.
The fucking walls are closing in.

Speaker 3 Speaking of the walls closing in, this play that I'm going to be doing in New York, Glen Gary, Glenn Ross.

Speaker 3 Glenn Levitt.

Speaker 3 That's what I'm going to be if I fucking blow this gig.

Speaker 3 Oh, that would be fun. That's the New York Post.
That's the fucking New York Post.

Speaker 3 Glenn Gary,

Speaker 3 if I get fucking, I go back to drinking and I'm just like stumbling around, missing shows, hammered.

Speaker 3 Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, more like Glenn Levitt.

Speaker 3 Hanging on a park bench talking to a fucking pigeon.

Speaker 3 Talking to the pigeon, like, see, this is real conversation, man. It's not memorized.
We're just feeding off of each other, connecting.

Speaker 3 Fucking pigeon's looking at me like, are you going to toss me some bread? Oh, like, what's going on here?

Speaker 3 I'm not your therapist. Oh, geez.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 so, um,

Speaker 3 I'm savoring these days before I have to go to work. That's what I'm trying to do.
I'm trying to hang out with everybody I can.

Speaker 3 All my family, obviously, and then I'm all my friends around town. I'm trying to get one hang in with them before I embark on this next chapter.
It's hate when people say that.

Speaker 3 The next chapter of my journey.

Speaker 3 Fucking journey. Magellan was on a journey.
Johnny Appleseed walking across the fucking country when it wasn't all fucking air quotes civilized.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 Or whenever the fuck he did it.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 Those people were on a journey. Jack Kerouac was on a journey in a car.
I think it was the last guy that actually had a fucking journey.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? If you're going to work every fucking day and you're coming back and now my kids are teenagers, that's not a journey. It's an experience.
There's a fucking difference.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 3 If I go to the Dominican Republic and I land and I get a car service and immediately go to some fucking resort, I didn't go to a, there's not a journey.

Speaker 3 All right, if I learned how to sail

Speaker 3 and I got a fucking boat and I went down the fucking western coast

Speaker 3 of this country, Central America, somehow had the fucking coin to go through the Panama Canal and fucking went back up. That was a gut.
In a Dominican Republic, that's a fucking journey. All right?

Speaker 3 If you're some fat fucking cow,

Speaker 3 you know, who's been fed poison by your own fucking countrymen, right? That you're now so fucking big, even if you wanted to get a boat license,

Speaker 3 you know, even if you fucking had the wherewithal to push yourself away from that hot fudge sundae you're eating every goddamn night.

Speaker 1 I need it to go to sleep,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 3 Even if you fucking had the wherewithal to do it, you don't have the money to buy a boat big enough that you can get on that's not going to fucking capsize.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 3 Your boating dreams are out the fucking window. Which, by the way, I was joking with Nia last night, like how many of today's rappers, everybody in hip-hop seems to be rapping about liabilities.

Speaker 3 Cars, bitches, boats, all that stuff, you know?

Speaker 3 This might be the old man of me, but I just listen to that stuff and I just think, you're not getting your money back on any of that all that's going wrong it's right in the toilet so it's all a depreciating fucking asset

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 3 my favorite thing back when rappers and uh musicians could make money off of album sales remember the fucking money people would like the fucking shit that rock stars and rappers would buy it was so fun to watch when they used to do the mtv cribs just looking at all the dumb shit that they would buy

Speaker 3 they'd commission an oil painting of themselves

Speaker 3 and hanging over a fireplace that was big enough to be considered a two-car garage. Remember that shit?

Speaker 3 The fucking rock stars would get a pool in the shape of their signature guitar. Rock stars were fucking amazing.
Jumping off their roof into the pool, fucking hammered out of their minds.

Speaker 3 Just have some giant fucking swing hanging from like

Speaker 3 your double fucking ceiling or whatever that went all the way up, pillars and shit front of your house. Everybody's house looked like the fucking, like you were working for the government, right?

Speaker 3 And then my favorite thing, rappers, they would, they would, instead of a Jesus piece that went beyond that, they would spend all this money on diamonds to have their own face made.

Speaker 3 It's like, dude, you better keep writing hits if you think you're ever, if that's ever going to be fucking worth something.

Speaker 3 Like, how much would you pay for a Sonny and Cher diamond fucking piece?

Speaker 3 You know?

Speaker 3 Or a Mac Davis, rest his soul baby baby don't you get don't you get hooked on me you ever hear that song baby baby don't you get hooked on me because I'm just gonna love you babe and set you free

Speaker 3 you just sing it I'm gonna fuck you and leave

Speaker 3 and you know what women loved it they loved the song you know why because back then they were raised right

Speaker 3 this isn't even a podcast this is just me filling up 30 minutes.

Speaker 3 I'm like that guy who shouldn't have been fighting for the title, you know, and the fucking champ needs a tune-up fight, so he's just carrying me for seven rounds and I'm just fucking hanging, you know, taking two to the head and then just grabbing onto him.

Speaker 3 And you're sitting there going, What the fuck?

Speaker 3 I paid for this? Yes, you did. Yes, you did.
Pay-per-view.

Speaker 1 Pay per view.

Speaker 3 That was the funniest thing about that last Tyson exhibition. Everyone was all fucking upset by it.
It's to say, dude, you didn't pay anything for it. You already had Netflix.
You already had it.

Speaker 3 You didn't let it shut it off.

Speaker 3 It's Netflix. There's 30,000 other fucking things.

Speaker 3 Oh my God. If you watch that shit on Netflix, like, what did that do to your queue or whatever they call it? Did you just watch a bunch of fixed fights after that?

Speaker 1 Does that all come up?

Speaker 3 Like, they just show you like a bunch of uh, not like fixed fights, but just like bad decisions

Speaker 3 where the crowd booze and all of that shit and then the trainers fight each other

Speaker 3 um that's what i do love about boxing and the ufc and everything is everybody knows how to fight like the trainers they all know how to fight so at the end it's not like an nba fight nba fights are the worst because those guys are all like nine feet tall whoever who the fuck ever took a swing at them They were all like six feet tall by the time they were in fifth grade.

Speaker 3 Nobody ever fucked but do so. And then they throw punches, man.
It's like they can't fucking hit each other. Shit is hilarious.

Speaker 3 There's a few that could fight, but generally speaking, nobody throws like a fucking jab followed by like an overhand right. They start with the overhand right.

Speaker 3 I always say like the way NBA, the average NBA guy, the way they throw a punch, it's like they're trying to throw somebody out from like the warning track.

Speaker 3 And then they just, you ever see like the people in the bars when they do that stupid ego thing trying to punch that

Speaker 3 just a stationary speed bag, basically, right? You just punch it and then it measures how much of a man you are.

Speaker 3 The amount of fucking people that that swing and miss and then fall on their ass, that's what an NBA fight looks like. All right.
But then you watch anytime there's a bad decision.

Speaker 3 And this is the brilliance of the octagon in the UFC, is it's very hard for the fight camp of the other side,

Speaker 3 the losing fighter, to get in there and fucking, oh, do they walk in with him? I always feel like they just, the interview guy loses quick, and then Joe talks to the winner,

Speaker 3 whether they're standing or not. I never understood why Joe got shit for sitting down next to Connor McGregor.
He's like, he was on the ground. Wasn't he going to stand over him?

Speaker 3 Fucking hanging the mic down like his dick. He had to get down there.
He did what he had to do. He did what he had to do.

Speaker 3 Unlike those cunts on Fox News and CNN, you don't see them crouching down

Speaker 3 to fucking talk to them about why they shouldn't have refinanced their house.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 3 I don't know. What else do I got? I don't have any ad reads.
You know, you do a podcast podcast like this, you know, the ad reads are few and far fucking between.

Speaker 3 So I did real good in the holidays. I stayed away from the sweets.

Speaker 3 I don't fuck with shit. I don't even like it anymore.
It's great. Once you get off sugar for like anywhere from four to ten days, it doesn't even taste right anymore.

Speaker 3 And then other shit that used to seem bland is amazing. Like I remember the first time I like had like a raw avocado.
I was like, am I eating like wallpaper? Like what what what is this?

Speaker 3 This is disgusting. Now, I love it.
You know, I used to have to have all this salt in it, fucking lime, the whole guac thing. I had to have that, or whatever I was doing.

Speaker 3 I had to, like, you know, kind of zhuzh it up, right? Now I can just eat it. I can eat it straight.

Speaker 3 It's delicious. But you can't eat an avocado because there's always some fucking cunt there going, you know, that's a lot of fucking

Speaker 3 fat.

Speaker 1 And then somebody else goes, Oh, it's actually a good kind of fat, kind of like salmon.

Speaker 3 Oh, salmon? You mean the ones that they fucking grow

Speaker 3 in fucking hollowed-out fucking suitcases? Whatever the the hell they're doing.

Speaker 3 They got cloudy fucking eyes. That's why they chop their heads off over here.

Speaker 3 They don't want you to see the health of the fucking fish before you ate it. Oh, Jesus, Bill.
Jesus. You got a minute and a half to go and you're coming like this.

Speaker 1 I gotta come home for this.

Speaker 1 What movie?

Speaker 3 Good fellas. Ray Liota, rest his soul.

Speaker 3 Talking to Karen.

Speaker 3 The original Karen,

Speaker 3 I like to say.

Speaker 3 You know, she was a Karen. She knew what she was about.
We fucking pistol whipped the guy across the street. You didn't think he was going to have ooze?

Speaker 3 You didn't think he was going to be out banging Janet Rossi? What did you think you were fucking signing up for? You thought you were going to be different?

Speaker 3 You saw all them mob girls. They all looked, you know.
They were wearing second-hand stuff. They all looked like they'd been shook.

Speaker 3 Anyway,

Speaker 3 all right, that's the podcast, people. I tried to bring the holiday vibe.
I started off. I started off with the holiday vibe, and, you know, it went south.
It went south quick. It went

Speaker 3 mid-January, really quickly. You know?

Speaker 3 Shout out to everybody in the Midwest.

Speaker 3 The real Midwest, not Chicago. There's plenty to do there.
I mean, when you get out in the weeds, you get out there in Nebraska and Kansas and Iowa, the Dakotas,

Speaker 3 Wowing, which I know is the mountain, but whatever.

Speaker 3 Mountain time.

Speaker 3 You owe it to yourself to fucking go out there at some point and see what those people have to live in during the winter time when the crops are all cut down and that barren earth meets that gray sky.

Speaker 3 You feel like you're walking on the surface of the fucking moon. I've said this a million times.
I never understood how a band like Slipknot came from Iowa.

Speaker 3 I didn't understand where the anger came from. I didn't understand it.
I liked it, but I never like, those guys are from Iowa.

Speaker 3 And then I did some college gigs in Iowa in like February and I was like, oh,

Speaker 3 okay, I get it now. I get it.

Speaker 6 As

Speaker 3 per usual, I had an idea of a place and then I went there and I was like, ah, turns out my idea was 100% wrong.

Speaker 3 All right, that is the podcast, everybody. I hope you had a nice Christmas.
Hanukkah, I think it starts tonight or whatever.

Speaker 3 Happy Hanukkah to you, happy Kwanzaa, happy if you don't celebrate anything. I hope you had a good one.
Hope you got some time off. And once again, shout out to those Amazon drivers.

Speaker 3 We should not be under the thumb of people with fucking dyed hair plugs and feet pajamas. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Speaker 3 I don't mind if you run shit, but you know, break a little something off for the people working for you.

Speaker 1 That's just how business is done.

Speaker 3 Is it? Is that how business is done?

Speaker 3 Does that make you sleep warm at night, knowing that your workers go home crying, trying to figure out how they're going to pay their bills, exhausted, missing their kids growing up, just so you can have a bigger infinity pool?

Speaker 3 You fucking cunt. You don't have to take the infinity pool literally.
It doesn't have to keep going, you know?

Speaker 3 Once you have half the size of a fucking pool, and then you know, pay somebody to drive your shit that nobody needs across the goddamn country. All right, that's the podcast, everybody.

Speaker 3 Enjoy the music picked out by the amazing, incredibly talented Andrew Themelis, who, by the way, shot a stand-up special that made it to the Cairns Film Festival in France. Enjoy his music.

Speaker 3 And then, after that, we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts.

Speaker 3 Enjoy the football, and I'll talk to you on Monday.

Speaker 3 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

Speaker 1 And I

Speaker 1 la.

Speaker 3 I'm checking in on you. I tried to make it the holiday, the holiday season

Speaker 3 podcast. I don't know.
I tried to infuse it and it didn't work.

Speaker 3 What are you gonna do?

Speaker 3 What are you gonna do? It didn't work. Just like your ex-wife didn't work.

Speaker 3 Bon jour, bon soi, bon prémedie, tout,

Speaker 3 je ma per guillaum, et je suis siè

Speaker 3 pasque

Speaker 3 ja un bon noel. You guys have a good Christmas.
I had a great Christmas. I had a great Christmas.

Speaker 3 C'te buffé. It was perfect.

Speaker 3 I gotta tell you this cute story.

Speaker 3 When I was a little boy,

Speaker 3 I was faced with a Sophie's choice when I was a kid. And this is probably how I ended up being a comedian.
The trauma of this. I was in a department store

Speaker 3 back in Massachusetts. And my mother

Speaker 3 was getting me some new pajamas.

Speaker 3 And she brings me over to the pajamas section. She said, pick out the pajamas you want.
And I'm scanning the pajamas.

Speaker 3 And the first thing I see is the Bugs Bunny stuff. And I love Bugs Bunny, right? And they had Bugs Bunny playing basketball and Bugs Bunny playing football.

Speaker 3 And I was like, oh, like, I loved football from the time I remember watching TV. And, like, when I was a little kid, I didn't know they were wearing pads.
So, I thought their shoulders were that big.

Speaker 3 I thought they were these little,

Speaker 3 like, these, they not little, I thought they were like these fucking Hulks just slamming into each other. Interestingly enough,

Speaker 3 right as I was about ready to pick Bugs Bunny playing football,

Speaker 3 you know, he had the old school leather helmet on, and he was holding the football, running for a touchdown, nobody near him, right?

Speaker 1 He could go all the way, right?

Speaker 3 And I look to the left, and what do I see? I see Hulk pajamas.

Speaker 3 And the Hulk is built like the football players.

Speaker 3 I don't know, like they're wearing, I didn't know what they were wearing pads, so I'm like, I'm looking at him, and he's green, and he's shredded, and he's fucking angry, and it's green.

Speaker 3 green and I've always loved green. So I was going, I couldn't make up my mind.
So I said, Ma,

Speaker 1 Ma, come over here.

Speaker 3 Oh, I was young.

Speaker 1 Ma, Ma, come over here.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 3 you know, I wanted both. Could I get both? And she said, no,

Speaker 3 because it was the 70s, and that's a word kids heard a lot.

Speaker 1 She was like, no, you,

Speaker 3 she's like, I'm going to do some more shopping. Another thing, you just leave your kids, right? I'm going to fucking pick.

Speaker 3 How every kid was not abducted in the 70s is just fucking beyond me. So she walks away in a department store.
So me and my brother are standing there. He's trying to figure out what he wants.

Speaker 3 And I cannot make up my mind. I am agonizing.

Speaker 3 Agonizing. And I just couldn't make up my mind.
And I finally, I chose Bugs Bunny playing football because I loved football and I loved Bugs Bunny.

Speaker 3 I loved the Hulk too, but there was two things that I loved or whatever. And I grabbed the, I finally, she said, come on, we got to go, pick one.

Speaker 3 So I reached for a Hulk and then went over and grabbed Bugs Bunny, handed it to her, and then she took me by my arm the way they used to.

Speaker 3 You know, your first separated shoulder is your mother giving you the let's go tug, right? So she's pulling me out, and as we're walking away, I'm looking over at my shoulder, sad,

Speaker 3 looking at the Hulk pajamas.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 every time I wore the Bugs Bunnies, I loved them,

Speaker 3 but I always thought about the Hulk pajamas and I never got them. All right, so here we are, fucking 50 years later.

Speaker 3 I told that story to my daughter because she was going through something where she wanted something, you know,

Speaker 3 you know, and then she had to make a choice or whatever. And it brought me back to that moment.

Speaker 3 And what I always do whenever my kids are going through some stuff is rather than talk to them about them,

Speaker 3 I tell them a story of when I was was going through the same thing. Like if they have to do like a performance at school and they're nervous,

Speaker 3 I go, of course you're nervous. I always get nervous right before I go on stage.
And then my daughter's like, you do? Yeah, yeah. My stomach's in knots.
I'm hoping it's going to go well.

Speaker 3 But then once I get out there, I have so much fun.

Speaker 3 And then when it's over, I feel great. I feel proud about myself because I went up and I did it, right? I do stuff like that.

Speaker 3 Or like if my kids feeling sad, I just sort of clock that and a few days later,

Speaker 3 I'll, you know, I'll just sort of work in how I was sad today. And, you know, it makes them feel like it's all right to have all these emotions, right? So what were you sad about that?

Speaker 3 Well, you know, I was thinking about some friends that I lost and haven't seen in a while and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and whatever, right?

Speaker 3 So anyway, I related that story to her. I forget what the heck she was dealing with.
She had like

Speaker 3 something about sports, something about soccer. She had to make a choice, right? And I could see it was bugging her.
So I told her that story, right?

Speaker 3 And about how sometimes, you know, you don't get everything, but if you get something, that's still great, right? So I tell her that story. And guess what she got me for Christmas at 56 years of age?

Speaker 3 I got Hulk pajamas.

Speaker 3 Now, granted, no offense to Comic-Con people. Comic-Con people, I am way too old for that shit, right? But it was the gesture that she did.
And I made sure I told her that night.

Speaker 3 I said in the hallway, I said, sweetheart, I go, you just made a childhood dream come true. Thank you so much.
She just broke out ear-to-ear grin and gave me a big hug.

Speaker 3 And I was thinking, there you go, that's my Christmas right there. So look at that.
Usually, a gloom and doom podcast.

Speaker 3 I started off with a nice story that I like to think in my own egomaniac fucking skull that you guys all just went, oh.

Speaker 3 But I know there's a lot of you damaged fucks were like, oh, Billy fucking pussy tits or whatever.

Speaker 3 And I don't take that personally. And whenever somebody says something like that to me, all I hear is the lack of hugs in your childhood.

Speaker 3 Or if you're just Irish, like you just, it's, you're born with it.

Speaker 3 Before, before somebody doesn't love you, before you don't get the hugs, before your dad spends the weekly paycheck down in the pubs doing some Angela, Angela's ashes shit, right?

Speaker 3 You're just, they're just fucking born with it.

Speaker 3 the Irish people are simultaneously my favorite people and the most miserable cunts I've ever met in my life.

Speaker 3 I wouldn't even say that, I would say the English are.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? Because at least the Irish still have something to go for. It's like the English are there and they were there and it just didn't fill them up.
And now they're just cunts, right?

Speaker 3 And it always blows my mind hope. The English are like the, that's like the, the English are the European version of

Speaker 3 American New Yorkers. Like American New Yorkers, they just think they fucking know everything.
They think where they live is the be-all, end-all, and their shit doesn't fucking stink.

Speaker 3 It's very relatable. Whenever I go over to England, right, it's so funny.
They always say, Roy, what's the soul of the guns, mate?

Speaker 5 Do you not understand it?

Speaker 1 Why are you cold football?

Speaker 3 Always fucking, you know, you don't, you don't use your fingers. You use your hands.
You use your hands. Like, they think they're the first person that ever fucking said that.

Speaker 3 Every time you go over there, and they say, well, what's with the guns, mate?

Speaker 1 It's fucking crazy over there, right?

Speaker 3 At least that's what they sound like to me. All right? They all sound high-pitchy Ricky Gervais to me.

Speaker 3 So,

Speaker 3 and I always want to look at me and just be like, what do you mean what the fuck happened over here? You started what happened over here.

Speaker 3 The fuck did you come over to America with with your ships? You come over with a bunch of flowers? You didn't.

Speaker 3 You came over with cannons and muskets and then all what are those other fucking long guns, right so musket the pistol back then

Speaker 3 the bugs buddy one that flared out and you just fucking shot metal at people you guys started this shit over you guys the french and the spaniards and then all these years later after you set the fucking tone over here you wonder why it still exists

Speaker 3 you're like the abusive parent

Speaker 3 who then just blames it.

Speaker 5 I don't know what he's so angry about.

Speaker 3 He used to be a happy kid. Yeah, and then I had you as a parent.
And that went out the fucking window, didn't it?

Speaker 3 Anyway, yeah, if you don't understand America, that's because you live in a fucking country where it's all you, basically. It's all you.
And then there's a little bit not you.

Speaker 3 And do you get along with them? Do they feel welcome in your country? They don't. That's our entire country.
Our entire country is a bunch of fucking people that weren't from here.

Speaker 3 Our ancestors were not fucking from here. There's all these different teams.
And we have CNN and Fox News to make sure we all fucking hate each other every goddamn week.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 3 And there you go. This country was stolen.

Speaker 3 We're driving a hot car over here. And you don't know when the cops are showing up.
So everybody's fucking strapped. That's what's going on here.

Speaker 3 And it's been going on so long, you're not going to fucking stop it. So enough with the stupid fucking questions.

Speaker 3 Why do you use your hands in football? Because soccer is boring. No, it isn't.
It's a beautiful game. It's a beautiful fucking game if it's not played here.

Speaker 3 But if it's played here by Mexicans, then it's beautiful. But they're from a country, or at least their ancestors are, if they're native to this country, that appreciates that fucking game.
Because

Speaker 3 it's a gorgeous game.

Speaker 3 Here's another question I have for the English. I don't understand why you're so into fucking

Speaker 1 racing.

Speaker 3 Why you're so into high performance and all of that. You know? It's like, what's that, that top tier show?

Speaker 3 And that old cunt on there is always making fun of American cars and technology, which I totally get.

Speaker 3 But then you go out and you buy an English car, it's the biggest piece of shit you're ever gonna, like the Range Rover engine, that's the best you can fucking do.

Speaker 3 You buy a Range Rover, you just fucking married the lemon-law here in the United States, and that's your idea of a luxury fucking SUV. You guys ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Speaker 3 And anytime they have that fucking F1 race or the Moto GP race over in England, they're, oh my god, this legend, oh, this is Lewis Hamilton's favorite fucking place.

Speaker 3 place I guarantee you what Lewis Hamilton doesn't drive a fucking jaguar or a Range Rover

Speaker 3 he's got a Mercedes sure he's got something Italian 100 fucking percent

Speaker 3 all I can say is thank God the English don't make planes

Speaker 3 They'd be going down left and right now. Roy, you fucking cunt.
They all got Rolls-Royce engines in them. Rolls-Royce people, there's always an exception to the rule.

Speaker 3 They're They're the Larry Bird, the inexplicable, uncoordinated fucking white guy that can somehow play at the NBA level. That's what Rolls-Royce is.
Everything else is fucking garbage.

Speaker 3 Your triumphs, your fucking Jaguars, your fucking Range Rovers, garbage.

Speaker 3 They look good.

Speaker 1 Roy.

Speaker 3 Fucking brilliant. Pretty to look at.
Pretty to look at as you drive it to the fucking mechanic.

Speaker 3 Anyway, there we go.

Speaker 1 That ought to rile up some fucking pasty cunts over there.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 3 plowing ahead here. I had a great fucking Christmas.
Shout out to Amazon drivers on strike. I like what you're doing.
I like what you're doing.

Speaker 3 Enough with these fucking internet nerds taking over the fucking world. And then on top of that, not paying anybody.

Speaker 3 You fucking stay on strike.

Speaker 3 You stay on strike.

Speaker 3 Fucking,

Speaker 3 what's it like to drive a truck like a man working for somebody you fucking, you know, walks around in feet, pajamas?

Speaker 1 It's got to be terrible.

Speaker 1 Anyway, plowing in.

Speaker 3 I'm in my pod. My new podcast studio has been my car lately.
I'm sitting in my car like a fucking maniac. And what the best thing is, is I'm such a loud jerk off that even when people walk by,

Speaker 3 even with the windows up, they think I'm in an argument, you know, with my significant other, whatever that might be

Speaker 3 in this day and age.

Speaker 3 But, you know, that's not the case. That's not the case.
I had a great Christmas. Everything

Speaker 3 is wonderful. The Patriots have a quarterback now.
I saw some of the highlights of the Bills game. You know, I don't have the NFL package this year, so all I'm seeing is the Rams and the Chargers.
And

Speaker 3 I just saw the highlights. You know, we had a bad little play in the end.
Gave him a fucking touchdown. But,

Speaker 3 you know, Drake May, Drake May, we can build around this guy. I believe in this guy.
And the Pats, you know, slowly but surely are going to come back.

Speaker 3 And I actually believe that they're going to be coming back. Whereas a kid, I always knew, hey, if we just get the wild card, I was happy just because that's where we were.

Speaker 3 And then came a guy named Robert Kraft. And that guy has gone three for three with coaches.
I mean, the three greatest coaching hires right in a row by any owner. Bill Parcells.

Speaker 3 Okay, we'll give him that one. Everybody already knew he was a fucking legend, but he was able to get him.

Speaker 3 And then we go to Pete Carroll. Woo!

Speaker 3 Pete Carroll,

Speaker 3 the fucking khaki king himself, right?

Speaker 1 Woo!

Speaker 3 Still running up and down the stairs. Don't let that Flanders vibe fool you.
That guy was fucking an alpha.

Speaker 3 Dressed in fucking, I go to church every week clothing. And then he hires the one and only, the Paul Brown of today, Bill Belichick.

Speaker 3 Fucking incredible. So I'm believing in everything, and I'm very excited that,

Speaker 3 you know, rough couple years, whatever, rough couple of years. I can shake that off.

Speaker 3 I had a rough couple decades. I'm going to tell you it was rough before all of that shit happened.
So

Speaker 3 I'm very excited

Speaker 1 where they are at.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 I'm also excited to have time off. I'm excited that the script is handed in.
Now I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting for the feedback. You know, we're handing in.
This is fucking great.

Speaker 3 And then every second that I don't hear the feedback, I'm like, wait a minute, is it not?

Speaker 3 Oh, the doubt.

Speaker 3 The doubt is fucking creeping in.

Speaker 3 Anyway,

Speaker 3 I had

Speaker 3 my nine-millionth meltdown about what I consider to be arguably the biggest lie in America in the 20th century. Like, if you had to, like, think, what is the biggest lie?

Speaker 3 Okay, you're probably going Federal Reserve, magic bullet theory.

Speaker 3 You know, we didn't see the entire Japanese Navy coming across the fucking ocean.

Speaker 3 I mean, and you can go, like, fucking conspiracy. That is, a lot of that is conspiracy.
That's all conspiracy. What am I talking about? But the newer conspiracies, 9-11 Inside Job, fucking

Speaker 3 lizard people.

Speaker 3 There's aliens that we're already fucking in business with.

Speaker 3 Can you imagine seeing this fucking place as an alien? You're like, Yeah, I can do something with that.

Speaker 3 Can you imagine that?

Speaker 3 I mean, why would you think that, other than this is the only planet around that seems like it's got some shit going on?

Speaker 3 I mean, the only reason why I think the fucking aliens would stop here is because there's some who's.

Speaker 1 Other than that,

Speaker 3 we've got some good music too.

Speaker 3 Some nice weather, but I don't know what they breathe, right?

Speaker 3 That's what gets me about these fucking aliens. They just show up and they can breathe in our atmosphere.

Speaker 3 Why am I afraid of a fucking alien if all I gotta do is just rip your gas mask off?

Speaker 3 You know, just because they can get here doesn't mean they have like fucking superpowers.

Speaker 3 I mean, if that fucking nerd on Twitter can get a rocket to fucking go up and stick another satellite like we need more surveillance up there and then come back and park in the same parking spot, if that fucking laminated,

Speaker 3 dyed, hair-plugged cunt can make that happen, you're telling, you know, you're telling me that there's other people with more of a head start

Speaker 3 can't make some fucking, you know,

Speaker 3 glue a couple plates together and fly over here.

Speaker 3 But that doesn't mean that

Speaker 3 they're like,

Speaker 3 well, I guess some of the shit that they've been showing lately,

Speaker 3 I'm just stopping in mid-air and then just going fucking light speed. All right, they're a little ahead of us in aviation, all right?

Speaker 3 But I mean, that happens in the world. I mean, I heard Asia.
I heard their fucking cell phones are way beyond ours, you know? Doesn't mean they're going to take over the world,

Speaker 3 you know? But

Speaker 3 CNN and Fox News are saying different things, aren't they? I don't even watch those channels. I just blame them for everything.
It just feels good, you know?

Speaker 3 Who better to blame than just a bunch of fucking people walking around acting like they're journalists when they're not?

Speaker 3 When was the last time you were walking down the street and you saw somebody with a Fox News or a fucking CNN card tucked into their fedora to go get on the scene and cover a story?

Speaker 3 They're not doing that.

Speaker 3 They're in the office in a controlled environment reading some ticker tape and then fucking figuring figuring out how to spin it their way. Oh, Jesus, Bill.
I thought you had a good Christmas.

Speaker 3 What's going on? You're going dark here, dude. The fucking walls are closing in.

Speaker 3 Speaking of the walls closing in, this play that I'm going to be doing in New York, Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross.

Speaker 3 Glenn Levitt.

Speaker 3 That's what I'm going to be if I fucking blow this gig.

Speaker 3 Oh, that would be fun. That's the New York Post.
That's the fucking New York Post.

Speaker 3 Glenn Gary,

Speaker 3 if I get fucking, I go back to drinking and I'm just like stumbling around, missing shows, hammered.

Speaker 3 Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, more like Glenn Levitt.

Speaker 3 Hanging on a park bench talking to a fucking pigeon.

Speaker 3 Talking to the pigeon, like, see, this is real conversation, man. It's not memorized.
We're just feeding off of each other, connecting.

Speaker 3 Fucking pigeon's looking at me like, are you going to toss me some bread? Oh, like, what's going on here?

Speaker 3 I'm not your therapist. Oh, geez.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 3 so,

Speaker 1 um,

Speaker 3 I'm savoring these days before I have to go to work. That's what I'm trying to do.
I'm trying to hang out with everybody I can.

Speaker 3 All my family, obviously, and then I'm all my friends around town. I'm trying to get one hang in with them before I embark on this next chapter.
I hate when people say that.

Speaker 3 The next chapter of my journey.

Speaker 3 Fucking journey. Magellan was on a journey.
Johnny Appleseed walking across the fucking country when it wasn't all fucking air quotes civilized.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 Or whenever the fuck he did it.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 Those people were on a journey. Jack Kerouac was on a journey in a car.
I think it was the last guy that actually had a fucking journey.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? If you're going to work every fucking day and you're coming back and now my kids are teenagers, that's not a journey. It's an experience.
There's a fucking difference.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 3 If I go to the Dominican Republic and I land and I get a car service and immediately go to some fucking resort, I didn't go to a, it was not a journey.

Speaker 3 All right, if I learned how to sail.

Speaker 3 And I got a fucking boat and I went down the fucking western coast of this country, Central America, somehow had the fucking coin to go through the Panama Canal and fucking went back up.

Speaker 3 That was a gut in a Dominican Republic. That's a fucking journey.
All right? If you're some fat fucking cow,

Speaker 3 you know, who's been fed poison by your own fucking countrymen, right? That you're now so fucking big, even if you wanted to get a boat license.

Speaker 3 You know, even if you fucking had the wherewithal to push yourself away from that hot fudge sundae you're eating every goddamn night.

Speaker 1 I need it to go to sleep.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 3 Even if you fucking had the wherewithal to do it, you don't have the money to buy a boat big enough that you can get on that's not going to fucking capsize.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 1 Your boating dreams are out the fucking window.

Speaker 3 Which, by the way, I was joking with Nia last night, like how many of today's rappers, everybody in hip-hop seems to be rapping about liabilities.

Speaker 3 Cars, bitches, boats, all that stuff, you know?

Speaker 3 This might be the the old man of me, but I just listen to that stuff and I just think, you're not getting your money back on any of that. All that's going wrong.
It's right in the toilet.

Speaker 3 So it's all a depreciating fucking asset.

Speaker 3 My favorite thing, back when rappers and musicians could make money off of album sales. Remember the fucking money people would, the fucking shit that rock stars and rappers would buy? It was so fun.

Speaker 3 to watch when they used to do the MTV crips, just looking at all the dumb shit that they would buy.

Speaker 3 They'd commission an oil painting of themselves.

Speaker 3 And hanging over a fireplace that was big enough to be considered a two-car garage. Remember that shit?

Speaker 3 The fucking rock stars would get a pool in the shape of their signature guitar. Rock stars were fucking amazing.
Jumping off their roof into the pool, fucking hammered out of their minds.

Speaker 3 Just have some giant fucking swing hanging from like

Speaker 3 your double fucking ceiling or whatever that went all the way up, pillars and shit front of your house. Everybody's house looked like the fucking, like you were working for the government, right?

Speaker 3 And then my favorite thing, rappers, they would, they would, instead of a Jesus piece that went beyond that, they would spend all this money on diamonds to have their own face made.

Speaker 3 It's like, dude, you better keep writing hits if you think you're ever, if that's ever going to be fucking worth something. Like, how much would you pay for a Sonny and Cher diamond fucking piece,

Speaker 3 you know? Or a Mac Davis, rest his soul. Baby, baby, don't you get, don't you get hooked on me? Ever hear that song? Baby, baby, don't you get hooked on me?

Speaker 3 Cause I'm just gonna love you, babe, and set you free.

Speaker 3 Just sing it, I'm gonna fuck you and leave.

Speaker 3 And you know what? Women loved it. They loved the song.
You know why? Because back then they were raised right.

Speaker 3 This isn't even a podcast. This is just me filling up 30 minutes.

Speaker 3 I'm like that guy who shouldn't have been fighting for the title, you know, and the fucking champ needs a tune-up fight, so he's just carrying me for seven rounds, and I'm just fucking hanging, you know, taking two to the head and then just grabbing onto him.

Speaker 3 And you're sitting there going, what the fuck?

Speaker 3 I paid for this? Yes, you did. Yes, you did.
Pay-per-view.

Speaker 1 Pay per view.

Speaker 3 That was the funniest thing about that last Tyson exhibition. Everyone was all fucking upset by it.
It's to say, dude, you didn't pay anything for you. You already had Netflix.
You already had it.

Speaker 3 You didn't let you shut it off.

Speaker 3 It's Netflix. There's 30,000 other fucking things.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God. If you watch that shit on Netflix, like, what did that do to your cue? Or whatever they call it? Did you just watch a bunch of fixed fights after that?

Speaker 1 Does that all come up?

Speaker 3 Like, they just show you like a bunch of, not like fixed fights, but just like bad decisions

Speaker 3 where the crowd booze and all of that shit. And then the trainers fight each other.

Speaker 3 Um, that's what I do love about boxing and the UFC and everything is everybody knows how to fight. Like the trainers, they all know how to fight.
So at the end, it's not like an NBA fight.

Speaker 3 NBA fights are the worst because those guys are all like nine feet tall. Whoever, who the fuck ever took a swing at them? They were all like six feet tall by the time they were in fifth grade.

Speaker 3 Nobody ever fucked with you. So when they throw punches, man.

Speaker 3 It's like they can't fucking hit each other. It's shit is hilarious.
There's a few that could fight, but generally speaking, nobody throws like a fucking jab followed by like an overhead right.

Speaker 3 They start with the overhead right.

Speaker 3 I always say like the

Speaker 3 average NBA guy, the way they throw a punch, it's like they're trying to throw somebody out from like the warning track.

Speaker 3 And then they just, oh, you ever see like the people in the bars when they do that stupid ego thing trying to punch that.

Speaker 3 that that uh just uh a stationary speed bag basically right you just punch it and then it measures how much of a man you are.

Speaker 3 The amount of fucking people that swing and miss and then fall on their ass, that's what an NBA fight looks like. All right.
But then you watch anytime there's a bad decision.

Speaker 3 And this is the brilliance of the octagon in the UFC, is it's very hard for the fight camp of the other side,

Speaker 3 the losing fighter, to get in there and fucking, oh, do they walk in with them?

Speaker 3 I always feel like they just, the interview, the guy who loses quick, and then Joe talks to the winner, whether they're standing or not.

Speaker 3 I never understood why Joe got shit for sitting down next to Conor McGregor. He was like, he was on the ground.
Wasn't he going to stand over him?

Speaker 3 Fucking hanging the mic down like his dick. He had to get down there.
He did what he had to do. He did what he had to do.

Speaker 3 Unlike those cunts on Fox News and CNN, you don't see them crouching down

Speaker 3 to fucking talk to them about why they shouldn't have refinanced their house.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 3 I don't know what else do I got? I don't have any ad reads. You know, you do a podcast like this, you know, the ad reads are few and far fucking between.

Speaker 3 So I did real good in the holidays. I stayed away from the sweets.

Speaker 3 I don't fuck with shit. I don't even like it anymore.

Speaker 1 It's great.

Speaker 3 Once you get off sugar for like anywhere from four to ten days, it doesn't even taste right anymore.

Speaker 3 And then other shit that used to seem bland is amazing. Like, I remember the first time I like had like a raw avocado.
I was like, am I eating, like, wallpaper? Like, what is this? This is disgusting.

Speaker 3 Now I love it. You know, I used to have to have all this salt in it, fucking lime, the whole guac thing.
I had to have that, or whatever I was doing.

Speaker 3 I had to like, you know, kind of juzh it up, right? Now I can just eat it. I eat it fucking straight.

Speaker 3 It's delicious. But you can't eat an avocado because there's always some fucking cunt they're going.

Speaker 1 You know, it's a lot of fucking

Speaker 3 fat.

Speaker 1 And then somebody else goes, oh, it's actually a good kind of fat.

Speaker 3 Kind of like salmon. Oh, salmon? You mean the ones that they fucking grow?

Speaker 3 And then fucking hollered out fucking suitcases, whatever the hell they're doing.

Speaker 3 They got cloudy fucking eyes. That's why they chop their heads off over here.

Speaker 3 They don't want you to see the health of the fucking fish before you ate it. Oh, Jesus, Bill.
Jesus. You got a minute and a half to go and you're coming like this.

Speaker 1 I gotta come home for this.

Speaker 1 What movie?

Speaker 3 Good fellas. Ray Liota, rest his soul.

Speaker 3 Talking to Karen.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 3 the original Karen,

Speaker 3 I like to say.

Speaker 1 Um, you know, she was a Karen.

Speaker 3 She knew what she was. We fucking pistol-whipped the guy across the street.
You didn't think he was gonna have oohs?

Speaker 3 You didn't think he was gonna be out banging Janet Rossi? What did you think you were fucking signing up for? You thought you were gonna be different?

Speaker 3 You saw all them mob girls. They all looked, you know, they were wearing second-hand stuff.
They all looked like they'd been shook.

Speaker 3 Anyway,

Speaker 3 all right, that's the podcast, people. I tried to bring the holiday vibe.
I started off. I started off with the holiday vibe.
And, you know, it went south. It went south quick.
It went

Speaker 3 mid-January really quickly. You know?

Speaker 3 Shout out to everybody in the Midwest.

Speaker 3 The real Midwest. Not Chicago.
There's plenty to do there. I mean, when you get out in the weeds,

Speaker 3 you get out there in Nebraska and Kansas and Iowa. The Dakotas.

Speaker 3 Wow, which I know is the mountain, but whatever.

Speaker 3 Mountain time.

Speaker 3 You owe it to yourself to fucking go out there at some point and see what those people have to live in during the wintertime. When the crops are all cut down and that barren earth meets that gray sky.

Speaker 3 You feel like you're walking on the surface of the fucking moon. I've said this a million times.
I never understood how a band like Slipknot came from Iowa.

Speaker 3 I didn't understand where the anger came from. I didn't understand it.
I liked it, but I know those guys are from Iowa.

Speaker 3 And then I did some college gigs in Iowa in like February, and I was like, oh,

Speaker 3 okay, I get it now. I get it.

Speaker 6 As

Speaker 3 per usual, I had an idea of a place, and then I went there, and I was like, ah, turns out my idea was 100%

Speaker 3 wrong.

Speaker 3 All right, that is the podcast, everybody.

Speaker 3 I hope you had a nice Christmas. Hanukkah, I think it starts tonight or whatever.
Happy Hanukkah to you. Happy Kwanzaa.
Happy if you don't celebrate anything. I hope you had a good one.

Speaker 3 Hope you got some time off. And once again, shout out to those Amazon drivers.

Speaker 3 We should not be under the thumb of people with fucking dyed hair plugs and feet pajamas. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Speaker 3 I don't mind if you run shit, but you know, break a little something off for for the people working for you.

Speaker 3 Um, that's just how business is done.

Speaker 3 Is it? Is that how business is done? Does that make you sleep warm at night, knowing that your workers go home crying, trying to figure out how they're gonna pay their bills?

Speaker 3 Exhausted, missing their kids growing up, just so you can have a bigger infinity pool? You fucking cunt. You don't have to take the infinity pool literally.
It doesn't have to keep going, you know?

Speaker 3 Once you have half the size of a fucking pool, and then, you know, pay somebody to drive your shit that nobody needs across the goddamn country. All right, that's the podcast, everybody.

Speaker 3 Enjoy the music picked out by the amazing, incredibly talented Andrew Themelis, who, by the way, shot a stand-up special that made it to the Cairns Film Festival in France. Enjoy his music.

Speaker 3 And then after that, we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts.
Enjoy the football, and I'll talk to you on Monday.

Speaker 6 What's up, everybody? Welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show with your host, Paul Burzy, Bill Burr, Greek freak Andrew Themless out there in Beverly Hills.

Speaker 6 Well, he's probably home for the holidays. And of course, we got Jake the Snake with the injury report.
We got a show, Bill. We got, I mean, we got a show.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Well, we're a mess this week.

Speaker 1 Hey, you know what? Look at you. You look like you just got called, you just had a flat and called triple-A and you forgot your winter jacket standing outside your car.
I'm in my PJs. We're a mess.

Speaker 6 Oh, dude, I've been puking and shitting for fucking three days.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's good. You're dropping weight? That's a fucking Hollywood question.

Speaker 6 No, no, it's, you know what?

Speaker 1 Hey, nothing like a little stomach bug.

Speaker 1 Any other place in the world, they're like, oh, man, that's terrible. I hope you feel better.
It's like, oh, yeah, is your stomach flattening out?

Speaker 6 Nothing better than a little stomach bug to fit in that sweatshirt, okay?

Speaker 1 I got an acting gig coming up. Paul, can you just kind of breathe in this room and I'll fucking take a big inhale so I can fit into costume?

Speaker 6 We are ready to get into week 17, everybody. There's only two more regular season weeks in the NFL season, which is nice.
But before we do, we have to shout out our incredible sponsor.

Speaker 6 It is the BetMGM Sportsbook, everybody. BetMGM is offering 1,500 in free bets to get the season going.
How to get this? Four easy steps. You download the BetMGM app

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Speaker 6 and receive up to 1,500 back in bonus bets if the bet loses if the bet does lose bonus bets will be available once your initial wager is settled also first touchdown you simply place a prop bet of the player you think in any nfl game is going to get the first touchdown if they don't but they get the second touchdown you will get your stack back in cash there you go bill burr goes here's bill burr's last three weeks everybody three and one two and two and four and oh making him nine and three in the last oh he's coming in the fourth quarter dude i gotta go four and oh the last two i gotta go four and oh three weekends in a row dude if you go four and oh three weekends in a row that's a trophy never been done and i would still be 500.

Speaker 1 um yeah paul i just with the kids and and writing the script dude i i've watched a disgustingly small amount of football and what i've been since i i started turning it around I just bet on shit that I don't think is going to happen.

Speaker 1 I swear to God, I've just been betting stupid shit. The Patriots versus the Bills.
Fucking Pats had that game one if they didn't

Speaker 1 have that little flub there in the end. Dude, we got a QB.
We got somebody to build around. I'm getting excited.

Speaker 6 Yeah. Drake May?

Speaker 1 Drake May. Yeah.
I haven't worn my Patriots jacket

Speaker 1 all season. I'm about to take it out of the fucking.
Dude, I haven't watched one second of all I've seen is the highlights. I don't have the package, Paul.

Speaker 1 All I'm getting is Chargers and the Rams out here.

Speaker 6 Dude, I feel like the Patriots, even games they lost, they just fucking fight. They're a good team.
They're a good young team team that's like getting better.

Speaker 1 Second half, second half the season, the first half was looking like a disaster.

Speaker 1 I mean, I was just betting against them, and

Speaker 1 they were losing every week, you know, and they weren't covering the spread either. And the spreads were getting disgusting.
They were getting up seven, eight, nine, and they still weren't covering.

Speaker 1 But they kind of like put something together. And that kid, Drake May.
Now, Brandon, I'm just watching highlights. He looks like a fucking gamer, man.
And it seems like the team's rallying around him.

Speaker 1 They like him.

Speaker 1 How's it default?

Speaker 1 i'm i dude i can handle a little you know nine and eight little 10 and seven creep back up to where we were

Speaker 6 no but how's the patriots defense like is it d good paul i i have not watched a second this season i i've i've just been i was dude i was in a writers room i had no windows paul the walls were closing in it's crazy you know what you know what i'm borderline not an american at this point how little football i watched this year you know what though they could have said when you when you weren't winning weeks they could have been like the game passed them by But no, you know what you did?

Speaker 6 You pulled the fucking, you reinvented yourself.

Speaker 1 I'm betting like a housewife over here, Paul.

Speaker 6 Give this guy an offensive tackle. He starts fucking making it rain out there.

Speaker 1 I just needed to change the scenery. That's it.

Speaker 1 All of a sudden, I can play football. I can bet on football again.

Speaker 6 Well, collectively, our show has gone like 12 and four.

Speaker 6 Our show is doing well.

Speaker 1 Somebody sent me something and they go dude my kid had a better christmas because of your picks i said hey all right just don't go crazy hey as we always said bet responsibly don't don't have a podcast determining whether your kids have a good christmas or not christmas he hands hang on buddy i'm doing a podcast i'll be done in a minute

Speaker 6 he hands his kid a basketball he was like hey it would have been better if verse hadn't picked the jaguars okay

Speaker 1 uh all right um

Speaker 6 jake the snake come in here with an injury report dude. Second to last week of the season.
It always gets sad.

Speaker 1 Hey, before we do that, Paul, can we show our records for the year, dude? We're doing all right on this show. I mean,

Speaker 1 I'm the dead weight.

Speaker 6 No, we're doing all right. Let's get, yeah, well, let's get.
Andrew Themlis is killing it for the third straight year.

Speaker 6 Jake the Snake dug himself out of a hole.

Speaker 1 Yep. All right, so I'm the guy who's going to get traded for a player to be named later at 28 and 36.
Paul Versey on his way.

Speaker 1 He needs, Paul Versey needs one victory.

Speaker 6 No, it's the next two weeks.

Speaker 1 That's all you need. There's one victory, right?

Speaker 6 No, I'm 12 over.

Speaker 1 Well, if you go.

Speaker 6 If I go 0-8, I'm still 4-0.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's it. No, he did it again.

Speaker 1 Yes, he did. He did it again.
Three, four years.

Speaker 1 Jordan didn't win four in a row. Granted, you know, he had to take a little sabbatical because of some off-court little activities there.

Speaker 6 I'd just like to thank my team.

Speaker 1 Paul Versey, four years in a row. And I think this is, Andrew, this is your third year in a row doing it, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, third year. Third year.
Keep on. All right, let me see.

Speaker 1 Go back down. The final.
Anybody know that? This was last year. That was Bill 31, 34, and 4.
Paul 37, 26, and 3. And then I had that fluke, 44, 20, and 5.

Speaker 7 It's not a fluke. You have the same record again.

Speaker 6 Yeah, almost. Look at Jake the Snake.
Jake the Snake can do it. He's got two weeks to do it.

Speaker 1 He's getting a wild card, Paul. He's sneaking in the last weekend.
Exactly.

Speaker 7 It'll be a close race.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I apologize, guys. If I was watching football, I feel like I could be 500.
Bet MGM's got to be afraid of this podcast, man. If you know anything, don't listen to me.

Speaker 1 Listen to these other three guys.

Speaker 3 All right?

Speaker 1 I'm excited about your last three weeks, though. I'm just a decoy, Paul.
I make it look like how Bet MGM thinks it's going to go. And then you guys come up.
All right. Pick up where we left off.

Speaker 1 I was saying,

Speaker 1 yeah, I'm batting Nathan the Order or whatever we're going to do here.

Speaker 6 Hey, dude, you're 9-3 the last three weeks. I look at the positive.
We don't look back.

Speaker 3 So take a look at the business. What are you doing right now?

Speaker 1 Well, I don't want to be like Jerome Bettis and be shut down for fucking three quarters and then run 11 yards and start stomping around the stadium. No disrespect to the bus.

Speaker 1 Although, you know, in defense of him, he had to wear down the defensive line the first three quarters and then he could break free. Maybe that's what's going on.

Speaker 6 Oh, by the way, can we talk about this on the show? Some people aren't going to like me saying this. The college playoff has been a fucking absolute disaster.

Speaker 1 That's such a poor take, Paul. Come on.

Speaker 6 It's terrible.

Speaker 1 Paul, give him a fucking break. Okay.

Speaker 1 What is Thursday night football? Is that good?

Speaker 6 No.

Speaker 1 No. They shouldn't be good.

Speaker 1 Is that

Speaker 1 Kansas City Chiefs football? Is that good?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 They had a bad weekend, Paul. I'm going to tell you right now.
This isn't like the WNBA where it's just going to suck forever. All right.
This is college football. They're going to get it right.

Speaker 1 All right. And that fucking Lane Kiffin goes,

Speaker 1 bitch, moaning and complaining. It's like, dude, you had three losses.

Speaker 6 What did Lane Kiffen say?

Speaker 1 He's like, oh, wow, this is so exciting. He's literally biting the hand that feeds.
Lane Kiffin, the guy who went to Tennessee, the volunteers, and said he was going to take him to the promised land.

Speaker 1 He meets one whore at a Waffle House. The next thing you know, he's going to USC to fall on his face out there in the palm trees.

Speaker 7 He was terrible at USC.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then he scurries back underneath Nick Sabin

Speaker 1 at Alabama, rides his coattails for a few years. Now, all of a sudden, he's in Mississippi.
And now he's feeling smart because no one can read in that state.

Speaker 1 And now, all of a sudden, he's fucking tweeting out there.

Speaker 1 No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 1 I like Mississippi. I'm not going to say I love it.
It's a little hot.

Speaker 6 I was so excited to watch those games. And I was like, I'm rooting for, I'm like, dude, get a score, get a score, make it close, make it close, do something, do something.

Speaker 6 But maybe this week will be better.

Speaker 1 It's going to be amazing this week. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to tell you right, when Iowa State plays Oregon, that's going to be a game.

Speaker 6 That's going to be a game. But I think I like Oregon.
You?

Speaker 3 I'm too fucking biased.

Speaker 1 I just love seeing Buckeye fans sad because they're always whining about something. I do like that their coach is starting to win again.

Speaker 1 You see Dave Portnoy had the planes saying to extend that guy's contract.

Speaker 1 The head coach of Ohio State.

Speaker 1 I think this weekend, college football is going to be fantastic. And I think the playoff is amazing.

Speaker 1 The only thing, you know, that is bad about it was I saw this CEO come on and saying how it was going to open up the opportunity for these college college football teams to be up for sale.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Chris.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. It's just like, do you have to own everything? Can you just leave something alone?

Speaker 3 There should be a rule.

Speaker 1 You can't buy, like, Dave Portnoy should be able to invest in the fucking, you know, Wolverines because you know he's going to do the fucking right thing.

Speaker 6 By the way, I got to shout out Dave Portnoy for what he did. I'm sure you guys all saw it.
That pizza review thing he did in Baltimore, man, when the guy was like, Christmas is our last day.

Speaker 6 And he was like, why? I heard the pizza's good. And he's like, nah, we can't.
We can't get our liquor license. We can't afford it.
So Portnoy goes outside. He does the pizza review.

Speaker 6 He likes the pizza. He says it's good.
And then he asks the guy, what's it going to take for you to stay open at least another year? And the guy's like, whoa, I mean, I don't know.

Speaker 6 I don't, I can't answer. He goes, well, you got a rich guy in front of you and you don't want him to walk away.
So what's it going to take?

Speaker 6 And he goes, I guess, I mean, I guess we could get our liquor license to stay open a year with like 60 grand. And he goes, done.
And he shook his hand.

Speaker 6 And then after he did that, there's a line around the fucking block for the place and he saved the business, dude. Dave Portnoy, man, I got to be honest.
No,

Speaker 6 good guy, man.

Speaker 1 No, here's the thing, dude. That's what we should be doing for each other.
We're all sitting around, myself included, bitching about politicians and everything.

Speaker 1 We all have the ability to help each other out and just go to each other's businesses, fuck these box stores. And all of this, you know, as much as you can.
I mean, they got a pretty good foothold in

Speaker 1 the towns and everything, but there's no reason why you can't do stuff like that. He's a man of the people.
He is. Shout out to Dave Portnoy.

Speaker 6 Yeah, shout out to Dave Portnoy. He started something from nothing and he's crushing it.
Good for him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and he's helping. And what about all the stuff he did during the pandemic, helping all of those thousands of businesses?

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then those fucking assholes tried to cancel him like two or three times, but they were fucking with the wrong guy.

Speaker 6 Oh, I love that. I love that he doesn't give up.

Speaker 1 Oh, and he called up that lady at the newspaper.

Speaker 1 Oh, the guy you're writing the article on. And then you listen to her, like,

Speaker 1 stammering.

Speaker 6 Oh, she was backtracking. Like, oh, that was the best.

Speaker 1 And that's the thing, too. If you listen to her,

Speaker 1 she just sounded like, I mean, I'm not saying she's not smart, but I'm just saying to listen to her, like, you know, you read a newspaper, you think somebody on the other end is going to sound a little, you know, a little more eloquent than you do.

Speaker 1 No, she didn't. She didn't.
I was like, you write for a newspaper?

Speaker 6 Oh, he had her dead to rights. And dude, Barstool is great he's got great shows on barstool but you know what he doesn't have oh he doesn't have handy he doesn't have handicappers like a b

Speaker 1 oh i know

Speaker 1 well i don't know i don't know i don't know what their records are over

Speaker 6 sale

Speaker 1 uh

Speaker 1 all right um

Speaker 6 jake the snake tell us the injury reports going into week 17.

Speaker 7 what are we looking at who's out We're looking at a relatively healthy week, but the big one is Jalen Hurts has still not been cleared. He had a concussion last week against Washington.

Speaker 6 And the Eagles are resting everybody anyway because the Eagles don't have anything to play for.

Speaker 7 That's not true, because if they don't win this game, the Commanders could still win the division. But I think if they win it, they clinch.
So they need to win one more game, basically.

Speaker 1 Oh, they got one more. Okay.

Speaker 6 Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, that's right.
When they play the Giants next week, they don't have anything to play for if they win.

Speaker 7 Okay, God. If they beat the Cowboys, which the Cowboys, you know,

Speaker 7 they burned me bad last week against the Bucs. So I don't think they're an easy out anymore.

Speaker 6 The Washington Commanders. The Washington Commanders, are starting to creep to the door.

Speaker 7 Yeah, I love watching Jayden Dane.

Speaker 6 They're not knocking on it yet, but they're at the welcome mat.

Speaker 1 You know what they're doing?

Speaker 1 They're lurking.

Speaker 6 Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Suspicious. They're sort of pacing in the street, waiting to come up the walk.

Speaker 6 They're not in the club, but they're going like this past the red rope asking what's going on in there.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, my friend. My friend's already inside.

Speaker 1 It's not last call.

Speaker 6 It's last call.

Speaker 1 My girlfriend's in there. A lot of people's girlfriends.

Speaker 1 My girlfriend's in there. I'll be right back.

Speaker 6 I'll be right back.

Speaker 1 I just need to take a piss.

Speaker 1 I just need to take, I don't want to do it on the side of your establishment. You know, I get all eloquent when you're drunk.

Speaker 6 I would never disrespect.

Speaker 1 You start using that mental law degree that you have? So on the premises of this establishment, I don't want to desecrate it.

Speaker 6 Oh, Oh, by the way, dude,

Speaker 6 what's his name? Horrible. What happened to Tank Dell?

Speaker 1 Dude,

Speaker 6 wide receiver, rookie wide receiver, second-year wide receiver with the Texans, and it was friendly fire. His own teammate shredded his knee.
Dude, it was bad.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It was bad.

Speaker 6 He caught a touchdown in the end zone and defender was low by his legs.

Speaker 6 And then his guy came in and his knee was just, just got, and dude, you know, when it's bad is when the teammates start crying and kneeling, like immediately, dude. It was like, it was fucked, man.

Speaker 6 And that kind of did the Texans in because they don't have Stefan Diggs now, and they don't have him. And they had a really good, good season, but I think that's going to be too much to overcome.

Speaker 6 So, never want to see that, man. Wish that guy nothing but the best.
Fucking, I love that guy.

Speaker 1 He's small, great, slot packed, terrible. And then some reporter didn't some reporter give CJ Stroud shit for crying at the press conference.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're like really.

Speaker 1 Let's see what you've cried about in your time, you know.

Speaker 6 Dude, he cried instantly because that was his go-to. He saw it and he just got on his knee and started crying.

Speaker 7 Yeah, I mean, they said dislocated knee, torn ACL, MCL, LCL.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, that's like a year and a half.

Speaker 6 If Jake, if you fell off your chair right now and you went down for the rest of the season, we're crying on the show.

Speaker 1 Oh, 100%.

Speaker 1 And the overall victories go down.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 by the way, I'm going to say Andrew Themelis is the Josh Allen of this podcast where he's killing it in the Mountain West region and the Scouts aren't on him.

Speaker 1 And then he goes up to the pros and he dominates.

Speaker 6 Yeah, he played Wyoming.

Speaker 1 Snake the Snake is the West Coast kid. He's out there in San Diego slinging it.
Everybody sees that game. You see the East Coast games, a little Midwest, and then they skip the mountain.

Speaker 1 And then they go right to the West Coast. And that's your fucking Saturday.

Speaker 1 Definitely old Black. Themelis out there in Wyoming throwing it all over the yard.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 6 crazy. Yeah, um,

Speaker 1 I'm flailing in the ACC.

Speaker 6 Um, who goes first this week?

Speaker 6 I think

Speaker 1 it's an even week.

Speaker 6 It's an odd week, so

Speaker 1 sorry. I think, Bill, so it was, yeah, Bill.

Speaker 1 Odd looking.

Speaker 6 I think you go first, Bill.

Speaker 1 All right, Paul. Well, you know what I like this time of year? Oh.
You know what I like? I like points

Speaker 1 because I feel that teams cover in the first couple of quarters and then they're like, all right, we got to rest this guy. We don't want to fucking have any injuries.

Speaker 1 So the Panthers have been inexplicably

Speaker 1 scoring points lately. I don't know why.
I love Baker Mayfield.

Speaker 1 I love that guy because I know every success he has, Colin Cowherd has to be, oh man, I'm going to have to say I was wrong, which I've never seen him do that's what I'm rooting for but I got to take

Speaker 1 I gotta take the Panthers get Nate you know they're in the same division Paul they play each other two times a year they know it's all about the points I feel like Baker Mayfield's gonna get him up and at some point they're gonna take him out of the game although they're gonna have to fucking pull him off the field like a like a pit bull fucking clamp it down on a mailman's leg though.

Speaker 1 I don't think he's going to want to come out.

Speaker 6 The Panthers won too. Panthers are starting to play better.
yeah.

Speaker 3 Hey, you know,

Speaker 1 this is what, Paul, here's the classic cliche. I don't know what's in the water down there in North Carolina.
I'm taking the Panthers getting eight only because they're getting eight.

Speaker 1 That's it, Paul. I'm done trying to fucking name players.

Speaker 1 All right, well,

Speaker 6 here's my lock of the week.

Speaker 1 I think Jake DeLoam's going to do great this week. And, Caroline,

Speaker 1 Jake Deloma.

Speaker 6 Jake Dalone. Holy shit.
I haven't

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Jake Dunn was in the Super Bowl. Jake Galone.

Speaker 1 Good, dude. He was good.
He was not scared at the Super Bowl. He was having fun.

Speaker 6 I'm going to ride out a team that is playing for their lives and playing better. I'm going to take Joey B and the Cincinnati Bengals, minus three and a half.

Speaker 1 Well, you've been riding the Bengals.

Speaker 6 Dude, I just think that they came on late and they still have a chance. They're in the hunt, as they say, and they're home.

Speaker 6 And the Broncos have not, every time you think the Broncos are going to turn that corner with Bo Nicks, it's just not happening. It's just not happening.

Speaker 1 Paul, is there anything you like better than a team playing for its playoff life?

Speaker 6 As a favorite? No.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm going with the New England Patriots at home. Fuck this, Fred.
They're going to win this game.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 they're going to win this game. Plus four and a half, and I'm going to find a fucking bar somewhere to watch this goddamn game because I can't go a whole season and not see a game.

Speaker 1 I have to see this game. By hook or by crook, I got to figure it out.
That might be televised, Bill. That's actually tomorrow.
Oh, Television Chargers game.

Speaker 1 Saturday. Yeah.
And it's a Saturday game.

Speaker 1 That's a Saturday game. Yeah, the first three are Saturday games.
How do they say it where we come from? Saturday. Saturday.

Speaker 1 There's no constant. Say, Andrew, why don't you come over on Saturday? Saturday.
That'll be on at 10 a.m., Bill.

Speaker 1 It's either Saturday or Saturday.

Speaker 6 Dude, I like the Chargers in that game, but I don't know.

Speaker 1 Hold on here. Well, Jig, didn't you say that they gotta, they need that, right? To clinch? Oh, Paul, it's the holidays.
You really gonna go head-to-head with me?

Speaker 6 Make it fun, though.

Speaker 1 Hey, Paul, Paul, you're playing with house money.

Speaker 6 Hey, who am I?

Speaker 1 I'll tell you this, Paul. Next time we do a gig in Vegas, those bet MGM guys ought to come out and fucking genuflect, or at the very least, offer you a job at the MGM handicapping games.

Speaker 1 We got to get this kid on our side.

Speaker 6 Just give me like a $100,000 marker. Let me go have fun.

Speaker 1 They try and distract him. They bring him over to a slot machine with his face on it.
They're like, no, no, no, come over here. Come over here.

Speaker 6 By the way, how underrated is the scene in Casino when the Asian billionaire comes off the plane and they acted like they grounded the plane because something was wrong with the plane.

Speaker 6 And Don Rickles goes, hey, you know, better down here than, you know, up there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he goes, then, with his head? up there.

Speaker 1 Um, I don't know.

Speaker 6 I'm going to think about the Chargers thing because I did like the Chargers, but the Patriots are scaring me right now.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 6 all right, let's do

Speaker 6 is Michael Pennix Jr. and the Falcons.
He looked really, really good, but I'm going to take the Washington Commanders minus four at home

Speaker 6 because they look really fucking good and they're also playing for the division still. It means a lot.
So I'm going to take them minus four at home. Oh, I got two home favorites.

Speaker 1 I know you do.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm going to take the Eagles at home, lay in seven against the Cowboys. Oh, that's a great one.

Speaker 1 Because I think Nick Soriani is an emotional wreck, and he's going to need to destroy this team in order to sleep at night. I just feel like

Speaker 1 he's just had a fucking

Speaker 1 bipolar

Speaker 1 trip, I don't know, since the ending of last season. And I think that it's not going to just be enough to beat this team.

Speaker 1 I think they need to beat the fuck out of him, and they need to get some momentum going into it.

Speaker 1 I know that they're winning and that type of stuff, but I just think that they're going to, he doesn't want to slow it down. I think the ending of last season is haunting him.

Speaker 1 And I think he puts his head on the pillow at night, and he has one of those knitted caps with the pom-pom on top of it, and he pulls it down over his face.

Speaker 1 And his wife's going, Nikki, Nikki, it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay.
No, I know. No, I know.

Speaker 3 Well, let me see your eyes.

Speaker 1 I can't see your eyes. No, just, you know,

Speaker 1 what's going on under there, Nikki? You know, just thinking about stuff.

Speaker 6 Dude, what? What, Bill? Imagine Nick Siriani and Rex Ryan on the same coaching staff.

Speaker 1 That'd be, dude, I love those guys because how do you not see yourself in them?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're emotional wrecks.

Speaker 1 They win, they're like, ah, They lose, they got their fucking head in an oven.

Speaker 1 Who doesn't relate to that? Emotional torture.

Speaker 6 That's why we all drink.

Speaker 1 That's why people eat gummies. That's why people watch sports.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 6 They really are like two guys that were fans at a tailgate that just got handed a headset.

Speaker 1 We're going to kick their fucking ass.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I can't tell if they were not hugged or hugged too much. Something happened.
They're fucking equilibriums.

Speaker 1 Me, I was like, I came from the, you know, take care of it yourself generation. I think Rex probably not hugged because

Speaker 1 my dad was out there coaching and all of that shit. But I think Nick Soriani might have been a little coddled.

Speaker 6 I also think

Speaker 1 anymore.

Speaker 1 I think that if

Speaker 6 your dad was like a tough coach in the NFL, there's kind of a chip on your shoulder because probably people were like, oh, the kid's not going to be like buddy, you know?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Unless his dad was like fucking Pesci in Casino and he came home and he always made him pancakes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Maybe that's why he had the weight issues because that was his only connection with his dad was breakfast.

Speaker 1 And I feel like if I make a big breakfast, my dad's going to come through the door.

Speaker 1 uh

Speaker 1 all right let's keep going here all right so what did i i just took the commanders yeah you got two more wait do i go now no bill just took the eagles yeah i just took the eagles okay

Speaker 1 i mean dude nikki nuts at some point i gotta ticket start

Speaker 1 you like that one paul what's that nuts nikki crazy he's got the balls to go for but he's also crazy It works both ways. I like to think.

Speaker 6 Are the 49ers eliminated?

Speaker 1 They are.

Speaker 6 By the way, it's another.

Speaker 1 Why does this stadium look like Paragon Park to me? It just looks like an old fucking roller coaster.

Speaker 7 What was wrong with Candlestick? I mean, I guess it was old, but you know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what's wrong with it is these fucking billionaires. See, another, you know, somebody else has a new stadium.
They got to have one. Yeah.

Speaker 7 I'm charmed at Levi Stadium.

Speaker 6 Is uh, what, what, is the Arizona Cardinals eliminated?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they are. Paulie questions.
Pick a fucking team over here.

Speaker 6 I'm just taking too many points.

Speaker 7 The Lions have a lot to play for, if you were thinking about that game.

Speaker 6 I'm going to take the Chargers, go head-to-head with Bill.

Speaker 7 Yeah, go Chargers.

Speaker 1 The old me would have taken that personally, but I don't.

Speaker 6 No, I liked it from the gate.

Speaker 1 Paul, you said what you said. You said what you said.
I liked it from the gate.

Speaker 6 But I don't like that I have all favorites. This is like old old me.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. This is the stupidest thing I'm ever going to say.
I'm going to take the Jets getting nine going into Buffalo.

Speaker 1 Even though Buffalo's coming off that scary game against the Patriots, I just still think these teams, they're going to fucking kick the shit out of them.

Speaker 1 Then they're going to sit there, start it down. And then here comes the old man on the center.
He's seeing his breath. Blue 54, right?

Speaker 1 I might regret that one. The indicator.
Is it the Jets? I'm going to take the Jets.

Speaker 6 Well, I'm going to do something stupid and something I haven't done in a long time.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's taking the Giants.

Speaker 6 I'm going to take the Giants, getting seven and a half. I don't think they're going to win the game.

Speaker 6 I don't think they're going to win the game, but I, because I do think that in some way they are kind of phoning it in to get that pick.

Speaker 1 But.

Speaker 6 I think that

Speaker 6 they're going to play and probably lose by a touchdown. So I like the half a point.

Speaker 1 Oh, you guys are well on your way to the pick. They said the first time in Giants history, as painful as this stat is, it's really impressive.
You guys lost 10 games in a row. You've never done that.

Speaker 6 And it's our 100th season, and we haven't won a game at home.

Speaker 1 Well, the fact that it took a century for that to happen, I felt like that happened to the Patriots a whole bunch when I was a kid.

Speaker 1 Paul, Paul, your Giants pick here is in direct correlation to you having already beat the book. Just a little bit, right? Just a little bit? A little bit.
A little bit. Let me ask you this, Paul.

Speaker 1 what uh

Speaker 1 what do you got are you guys gonna draft another quarterback and do you still go id league and if you do no are we going cornell this time no we are going um cam ward at my university of miami or dion's son shador sanders in colorado

Speaker 1 hey what didn't what was it what was jake you might

Speaker 1 didn't one team say that they were gonna was it oh no is it if the eagles if the eagles and which this doesn't make sense now i guess because because that

Speaker 1 affects their placement but if if they threw the game they could do it so that it would

Speaker 6 remove the giants from getting the first pick did i hear that or read that correctly if the eagles win this week they're going to rest everybody against the giants and basically they're saying let the giants win so the giants don't get the first pick and they drop to like the eighth pick which is such a bitch move

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's almost like

Speaker 1 all right.

Speaker 1 Karma, though, fuck him. If you lose something, a lot of times, you know, those first couple guys don't work out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, a lot of times they don't. It's a lot of times because they're going to a team that has no offensive line and they've just run for their lives, like RG3.

Speaker 1 Yeah, who knows what that guy could have done? Really, he had more heart than offensive line. That's what did him in.

Speaker 1 Um, Jake, I just want to say, I'm Phil, I'm going to take the Patriots with you this week. I just want to throw it,

Speaker 1 let's go. And Jake's taking the charge.
Oh, my God, we've got a civil war going on here.

Speaker 6 This is a first. I love it.

Speaker 7 You can put me down for the Bengals too, by the way, while you're here.

Speaker 1 Jake is dialed in.

Speaker 1 He just fucking rattled off two quick picks. Hey, you know what, Paul?

Speaker 1 I had the Chiefs, but I forgot to text him.

Speaker 1 I'm taking the Colts.

Speaker 1 I'm in the championship for my fantasy league this year. I'm in the championship game this week.
So

Speaker 1 I had Lamar. He had Moves.
Nobody wants to hear about fantasy, but I got the Colts defense and I picked them because I think they're going to demolish the Giants. So I'm doubling down.
So anyway.

Speaker 6 Dude, Lamar Jackson is, what was he, 13 yards away from Mike Vick career? Dude, Lamar Jackson, like Lamar Jackson does what Mike Vick does and throws, stays in the pocket and throws darts, dude.

Speaker 6 Yeah, he's unbelievable. He's the most exciting NFL player in the league, I think.

Speaker 3 Him and Josh Allen

Speaker 1 out of the loop of my. Who the hell is Lamar Jackson? The Ravens quarterback oh the ravens quarterback all right i

Speaker 1 don't look at them every week i forget their names jalen hurts lamar jackson joe seismans down there in washington right

Speaker 1 ron jaworski hey uh jake you got any others you want i know i can still name me and partner we can still name the starting quarterbacks in 1978 throughout the whole league bill cowers crushing it with the steelers still

Speaker 1 when i first started watching football the quarterbacks in my division were Burt Jones with the Colts, Bob Greasy,

Speaker 1 with the Dolphins, Steve Grogan, Joe Ferguson, and Richard Todd.

Speaker 6 Dude, Burt Jones is the fucking,

Speaker 6 that name is unbelievable.

Speaker 1 Burt Jones was great. And I swear to God,

Speaker 1 there's no way you convinced me that he wasn't related to Bob Avellini, the quarterback for the...

Speaker 1 The Bears when they first got Walter Payton. They had Virgil Livers and all of those guys.
Pre-Mike Singletary, I want to say.

Speaker 1 Did I never know?

Speaker 6 Have you ever known a Virgil?

Speaker 1 No, but like

Speaker 1 black guys have always had cool names. Those are now old school black guy names.
Virgil, Haywood.

Speaker 6 Dude, Virgil is unbelievable. Virgil Bern Gray.

Speaker 1 Oh, they had great names.

Speaker 6 Oh, that's great. All right.

Speaker 6 So, dude, we got a lot of head-to-heads this week, everybody.

Speaker 1 Haywood.

Speaker 6 Oh, Haywoods.

Speaker 6 Haywood Jones, Haywood Johnson. Dude, that's like.

Speaker 3 They were fucking great names.

Speaker 7 Those aren't great names.

Speaker 1 Yep, Leon.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute, Whitewoods. And

Speaker 1 Black Night Virgils. They were just the names that I had.
A lot of Roberts.

Speaker 6 What? Wait a minute. No, Virgils are white.

Speaker 1 Bobby.

Speaker 1 Dude, the names, the first names of the quarterbacks in my division were Bob, Burt, Steve, and Richard.

Speaker 1 What are the names now? Drake, Lamar.

Speaker 1 No, no,

Speaker 1 in the

Speaker 1 fucking AFC East. Tua.

Speaker 1 Tua.

Speaker 1 Tua, Drake.

Speaker 1 That's why I can't remember the names, Paul. Like these fucking names, these names, even the white guys have exotic names.
Drake?

Speaker 1 I never met a Drake in my entire life. Never met a white guy or anybody named Drake.

Speaker 1 Drake May.

Speaker 6 Drake May.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I would have thought that was his whole last name.
Like Michael Drake May.

Speaker 1 No, that's my name. Drake May.
Okay.

Speaker 1 They must think old guys like me. What's your name, Bill?

Speaker 6 What about the NFC North? You got Jameis Lamar.

Speaker 1 Lamar is a great name, even though I couldn't remember who he was.

Speaker 7 Russell.

Speaker 6 And Jordan.

Speaker 1 Yeah, those names just. There might have been.
No, I knew a Jordan, but that was his last name.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. First name was Rob.

Speaker 6 Wait a minute. A white guy can't be named Virgil?

Speaker 1 Wyatt Earp's Virgin. Listen,

Speaker 1 I've only seen one Virgil my whole life, and that was Virgil Livers.

Speaker 6 There's a wrestler, Virgil, I believe, rest his soul.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 6 What did you say, Wyatt Earps brother?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Virgil. I mean, in the movie, it was.

Speaker 1 Here's another old-school black guy named Floyd.

Speaker 1 Lloyd Little. That's a great fucking name.
That's a name you got to bring back.

Speaker 3 Floyd's great.

Speaker 1 Um, Floyd, you got to name a baby that has that old soul vibe vibe coming in the room.

Speaker 7 I remember probably thinks Floyd Mayweather now, though.

Speaker 1 Lydell,

Speaker 1 that was a good name.

Speaker 1 That's nice. Clyde.

Speaker 1 Clyde was a great one. That's a great one.

Speaker 1 The old school, like, listen to like the old basketball, Larry,

Speaker 1 Bob McAdoo,

Speaker 1 Kevin.

Speaker 1 The only cool, like, really, a Julius. How cool is that?

Speaker 1 Julius Irving. That was a great name.

Speaker 1 And then you got into the 80s, those players, and you had the new ones that had a little bit of more flair, like Dominique. Dominique Wilson.

Speaker 6 Wilkins.

Speaker 3 That was a great name.

Speaker 6 Dominique Wilkins is maybe that's a that's maybe the best.

Speaker 3 The human highlight film.

Speaker 6 Dominique Wilkins might be the best basketball name of all time.

Speaker 1 Oh, by the way, we got to do a shout out here. Rest his soul to the greatest, greatest lead-off baseball hitter ever.

Speaker 3 Oh my God. Ricky Henderson.

Speaker 6 I'm putting my hood down for that one, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 First time I saw him, he was playing for your Yankees in the mid-80s after he had gone, he went with the a's and broke the stolen base record and dude i remember he got on first base i can't remember if it was a single or a walk and that was the years where you it was like a you walked a guy you gave him a triple and like dude the place was electric nobody was looking at the pitcher everybody was watching him and he had that little side to side thing that he was doing even his side to side motion seemed like like the fastest thing you saw it was almost like you know when tyson used to when when he would walk in slip your punches and then give you the double hooks and the overhand, right?

Speaker 1 He was fucking electric when he was on the base paths. You just, it was, you almost like rooted for him to get on because you wanted to experience it.

Speaker 6 I tweeted after he passed away. I said, Ricky Henderson was truly the first exciting athlete I ever saw.
It was 1985, 1986, 1987, whatever it was with the Yankees.

Speaker 6 And me and my brother would just laugh every time he stole. We'd look at each other and laugh because everybody knew, like you said, when he got on, it was not, he wasn't staying there.
And

Speaker 6 yeah, I loved Ricky Henderson, dude. And, you know, it's funny, when I went to Cooperstown, I didn't realize that when you go to Cooperstown, I thought, oh, getting in the Hall of Fame,

Speaker 6 I thought it meant just being your name in there. When they say get in the Hall of Fame, it means actually have the plaque and the whole thing there.

Speaker 6 But when you walk through the wings of Cooperstown,

Speaker 6 one thing that I remember was every time I would see a category, whether it was slugging percentage, stolen bases, hits,

Speaker 6 Pete Rose and Ricky Henderson were one through three almost on every category through the hallways of the Hall of Fame.

Speaker 6 Such an amazing player. Some argue the greatest.

Speaker 1 Most leadoff home runs of all time, most stolen bases.

Speaker 1 Probably, arguably, other than Pete Rose, he's got to be two to like games played, played appearances, you know, at bats.

Speaker 1 I forget, one of those baseball analysis on ESPN was listing all of the things that he was number one in.

Speaker 1 It's incredible. Yeah, it's incredible.
And June, talk about gone way too young. Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 he played 3,081 games. He was born in 58.

Speaker 1 So his birthday must be right here at the end of the year because

Speaker 3 he would have been 66.

Speaker 1 He said, if my uniform doesn't get dirty, I haven't done anything in the baseball game.

Speaker 1 Someone also brought up what a great defensive player he was, too.

Speaker 7 He's what's missing from today's game, you know?

Speaker 6 What he did to the strike zone is nuts. He would get so low, dude.
He made the strike zone his own. He would be, if you watch how low he would get, he would bend his knees and he actually made it for

Speaker 6 him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, that guy was just, everything he did was fast. The way he would hit a home run, the way he would

Speaker 1 snap and flip the bat was fast. everything was just fast and

Speaker 1 let me name him he was all muscle and he wasn't like the 80s with the skinny legs dude he was like he looked like a running back his his thighs were he had thighs like a

Speaker 6 um

Speaker 6 andrew uh let me i know how many hold on i'm gonna list i'm gonna list mine and then everybody else could do it but just tell me you have them all i'm looking at it so i yeah all right so i'm gonna say obviously oakland New York, he played for Boston, he played for the Angels, he played for

Speaker 1 you missing a big one in there.

Speaker 7 Yeah, there is.

Speaker 6 Uh, uh, hold on, he played for the Padres,

Speaker 1 yeah, he might, he might have won a World Series at the place I'm thinking of. Uh,

Speaker 6 he didn't play for the Dodgers, did he?

Speaker 6 He did play for the Dodgers.

Speaker 1 That was his last team. That was where he retired.

Speaker 6 Uh, a missing one, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, Canada.

Speaker 6 Oh, he played for the Blue Jays in 93.

Speaker 1 That was when they played the Phillies, or was that 92?

Speaker 6 Dude, that's nine teams right there.

Speaker 7 I think you're missing the Mets, too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he played for the Mets.

Speaker 6 I don't want to see that.

Speaker 1 Did he play for the Red Sox? Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 6 Then, when his baseball career was over in major leagues, he went to like the Newark Bears.

Speaker 6 Oh, here we go.

Speaker 7 Oh, my God. Damn, that's a lot of teams.

Speaker 6 Dude, he was on Oakland five times.

Speaker 1 Yeah, five. I thought it was three.

Speaker 1 One, two, three.

Speaker 1 That's Mariners. I can't even picture him in a Mariners jersey.
Padres played for the Padres twice.

Speaker 6 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 The Dodgers,

Speaker 1 the Dodgers, like four or five times.

Speaker 6 Wait, what was his first time?

Speaker 1 A's four or five times.

Speaker 7 So he played like 20 years.

Speaker 6 He played from 79 to 03?

Speaker 1 That's insane.

Speaker 6 Dude, I was one years old when that guy started playing baseball.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 God rest his soul.

Speaker 6 Dude, 65 pneumonia, it's like

Speaker 1 it's awful.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 10,000. Almost 11,000 at bats.

Speaker 6 Dude, 3,050.

Speaker 1 3,000 hits, 21, almost 2,200 walks. Yeah.

Speaker 7 The walks is insane.

Speaker 1 Dude, his 1,406 stolen bases. No one's breaking that.

Speaker 6 Dude, his overall batting average for all those teams, even in his old age, almost 280s, nuts.

Speaker 7 Yeah, 1,400 stolen bases will definitely not be broken.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 6 I think second is like

Speaker 6 hundreds off.

Speaker 7 He's got to

Speaker 7 be.

Speaker 1 297 home runs. Are those all leadoff or later in his career? Was he down

Speaker 1 in the order a little bit?

Speaker 6 I think those are totally.

Speaker 1 That was another thing that was great. Is when he came to town,

Speaker 1 you know, you didn't have to wait to see him, he was the first guy up, dude.

Speaker 6 He was born on Christmas.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes, you're right, Bill.

Speaker 6 He was born on Christmas 1958.

Speaker 7 Yeah, Jimmy Fox, great name.

Speaker 1 Jimmy Fox is a great name, related Hall of Famers. Yeah,

Speaker 1 wow, wow. All right.
Well,

Speaker 6 rest in peace to Ricky Anderson. Yeah.

Speaker 6 I know this is going to sound dumb, but like when I heard pneumonia, I was just like, dude, so many people this year are getting, like, that's like still fucking getting people, man.

Speaker 1 It's always, pneumonia's always gets people. You've new, I sort of a newborn who had pneumonia just passed away.
Yeah, the pneumonia will get you. I had it in 2022.
It's crazy.

Speaker 3 I just thought. Lucas had it early this year.

Speaker 6 Yeah, Lucas had it early this year, dude. He was coughing for like four weeks.
It freaked me the fuck out.

Speaker 1 It's just, it's brutal. Yeah, one week into a cough, you got to get him there because I think

Speaker 1 it ends up developing into it is what happened to me.

Speaker 6 What's the difference between a lung infection and pneumonia?

Speaker 1 I don't want to know. I have no idea.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just know what it feels like when you have pneumonia, be coughing so much, it like hurts to cough.

Speaker 1 Like your whole fucking throat is just like, if I cough one more time, I think my whole fucking insides are going to come out.

Speaker 1 Come on that no, you have to do it.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 6 let's get to the Monday night special. Let's turn this puppy around.

Speaker 1 Death and pneumonia into Monday night football. Here we go.

Speaker 1 It's a metaphor for the football season drawing. Yeah, dying.

Speaker 1 The football is still going to the middle of February, so don't start fucking crying. They're just weeding out all the fat chicks.
It's going to be nothing but lean and mean now.

Speaker 7 Don't worry. It's going to be longer next year when they add another game.

Speaker 1 No, they're not.

Speaker 7 They probably are.

Speaker 6 I hope they vote against it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're going to play through March.

Speaker 1 Well, I don't know about that, but they're close.

Speaker 1 Subscribe to leave them wanting more.

Speaker 7 Chiefs have played every day of the week this year, except I think it was Tuesday. So pretty impressed, which is crazy.
They're just so greedy, but whatever.

Speaker 1 Wow, that's funny. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they've had, that's amazing. They're the first team ever that's gotten away with holding on six out of seven days.

Speaker 7 They haven't scored over 30 points in a game all year.

Speaker 1 That's a prop bet.

Speaker 6 Med MGM should put that as a prop bet.

Speaker 1 Did you see that status?

Speaker 6 Under over holding, non-holding calls for the Chiefs

Speaker 1 on Tuesday.

Speaker 1 All right. Let's do it.

Speaker 6 Who do we got, Andrew?

Speaker 1 It's Lions, Niners.

Speaker 1 Niners are getting three and a half. Over, unders, 50 and a half.

Speaker 6 Lions are going to beat them. Oh, wait, did we hit the Monday night special?

Speaker 1 Last week.

Speaker 1 We did.

Speaker 1 Last week, let me pull that up.

Speaker 6 We took the 14 and a half points.

Speaker 6 No, we said that they were going to cover. They did.

Speaker 7 We took the Saints to cover.

Speaker 1 Well, you sound like an old lady right now when you catch getting the wrong change back. Like, no, no, no, no, you lost because the Saints didn't score a point.

Speaker 6 No, we didn't take the Saints.

Speaker 7 Who'd we take? Did we take Green Bay?

Speaker 6 We said Green Bay was going to beat us like 20.

Speaker 1 That's right. We did.

Speaker 6 Yes, Jesus.

Speaker 1 Jesus, I hit you.

Speaker 1 We won last week.

Speaker 6 We won the spread. Woo!

Speaker 1 I was a porno. We said we had 80% on the Monday next festival.

Speaker 6 Wait, no, no, no, we got to find out. Did the running back score a touchdown?

Speaker 1 Oh, I did I celebrate too soon. It's going to review.

Speaker 6 Did Josh Jacobs score a touchdown last week for the Green Bay?

Speaker 1 I think he did. Okay.
I'm going to check. I'm going to check.

Speaker 6 This will be the third one. This will be

Speaker 1 Paulie's already backpedaling down the court.

Speaker 6 That ball is going in.

Speaker 7 He did score a touchdown. I don't know what a third leg was then.

Speaker 6 All right. So, so we had Josh Jacobs.

Speaker 6 And we had Jordan Love to throw one?

Speaker 6 Did Jordan Love throw one?

Speaker 1 If he did, we did it.

Speaker 1 Jordan Love passed the two-yard touchdown. Yeah.
We did it. We did it.

Speaker 6 Oh, not only did we go 12 and 4, but we hit the special.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're coming in strong at the end. We're killing it.
Hell yeah. All right, let's go.
We've never hit two specials in a row, Paul. Let's do this.

Speaker 6 And if we hit one more special, we tie our record for the year we always did it. So we got to get this one.

Speaker 1 What is our record? Four?

Speaker 6 I think we hit four in a year.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 6 All right. So I'd love the Lions to beat them up bad.

Speaker 6 The 49ers aren't playing for anything.

Speaker 6 They're probably banged up. They're resting.
And the Lions.

Speaker 1 They're playing for respect.

Speaker 6 And the Lions got to get home field. I say we take the Lions and the

Speaker 1 What happened there, Paul? You had a little fucking cardiac episode?

Speaker 1 You got all choked up. You believe in this bet so much, man.
You're making me tear up over here. Any emotion? They're going to close a stroll off the match.

Speaker 6 I like the Lions. I love Jared Goff.
I think he's the most underrated quarterback in football. I really do.

Speaker 1 I finally somebody fucking saying that. Somebody's saying, Anna, there's something about it.
What are you talking about? He's playing for the Lions and he's killing it.

Speaker 1 That was a great trade for both teams. Even though the Rams aren't doing that well, they got their ring.
Now it's the Lions' turn.

Speaker 3 You like that storyline?

Speaker 6 Because I know what I love.

Speaker 6 If Jared Goff wins a Super Bowl this year, him and Matt Stafford go to a bar together, have a beer, they clink, and they go. We did it.

Speaker 1 That's a good commercial. That's good.

Speaker 6 That's a great commercial.

Speaker 1 That just reminded me of Bird and Magic.

Speaker 1 Yeah. When they got him together to play the 101, I'm old.
Nobody remembers it. All right, let's go.

Speaker 1 Okay, so we're taking the Lions laying three and a half. Yeah.
Why is it so fucking small? That's what she said. Why is the spread so small?

Speaker 6 That's what he said.

Speaker 1 Have you progressive? I'm one of the trips in the gay community, too.

Speaker 1 Sorry.

Speaker 1 I don't know why I remember so low, but got to take it. Have you seen that kid who's fucking doing the Italian thing? Have I sent you that kid yet? Which is the over-the-top Italian.
Oh, dude.

Speaker 1 It's the funniest shit ever. Where they go, they're asking that fat baseball player, what do you, what do you, you know, a lot of whatever, those something bowls or whatever.

Speaker 1 They just cuts to himself,

Speaker 1 this guy's eating burgers.

Speaker 1 I can't do it.

Speaker 1 Look at this guy.

Speaker 1 He's like running out of air. What about when he was going through the chocolates and he was just like,

Speaker 1 creme bruised?

Speaker 1 He goes, look at this guy's eating meatballs.

Speaker 1 Dude, I drive my wife nuts with that shit. Whenever those videos come overnight, I am like fucking dying laughing.
She's like, I get it. I get it.
I'm like, this isn't that fun.

Speaker 1 This is fucking hilarious.

Speaker 6 Oh, it's so funny.

Speaker 1 Hey, Jake. Did you see those guys who did the croissant video?

Speaker 1 No. Oh, my God.
They go in and they're like Americans, but they're going, can I get a croissant? And they start going, croissant, croissant. They're still doing all this thing.

Speaker 1 They're yelling across the street, croissant. The guy goes,

Speaker 1 he goes, he goes, croissant, nice. And he says it in an English accent.
And they keep doing it.

Speaker 1 And then they fucking come, and there's a guy dressed as like a stereotypical French guy sitting at a bus stop with like a beret on and the striped shirt. And they're going, Croissant, Croissant.

Speaker 1 Then they see him, then they're all fucking nervous because he's the real deal. And they start playing that fucking.
I don't know who plays the song. You know, that wow whatever that old school

Speaker 1 started doing this trash metal thing saying quissant it's amazing no that's great that's so funny internet dude i'm telling you did you watch that thing i sent you that that the roddy daja field tape i did not yet no oh my god no he sends this it's it's him

Speaker 1 telling the band that's going to be there, that's going to be backing him on his show, all their cues.

Speaker 1 And it's it's the funniest shit ever because he's doing the jokes.

Speaker 1 And he goes, I went to a Chinese, he goes, okay, so when I say I went to a Chinese restaurant and they said we invented a new dish for you, one dumb fuck, then the bass drum goes, boom.

Speaker 1 That's great. Except it's like Rodney.

Speaker 1 Yeah, one dumb fuck. Boom, the bass drum.

Speaker 1 Hey, you got to hit it after I say, fuck, okay.

Speaker 1 That's great. Yeah, then I say, hey, what are you guys doing? Then the whole band band stands up and he says, we're fucking idiots.
Then I go into,

Speaker 1 it's like a four-minute audio tape.

Speaker 6 And he's serious, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah. And in the end, when he's done, he actually says like a joke.
He goes, hey, I already don't get enough respect. Don't fuck it up.
He kind of makes a joke, you know?

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 1 like everything, the whole act.

Speaker 1 Everything was tight as a drum. Not only his act, but like his interaction with the band.
And I just can't imagine, you know, I sent it to like comedians and musician friends of mine.

Speaker 1 And all the musician friends were like, dude, if I had a gig and I had to listen to Rodney and knew that, you know, I had to play some drums at that point, he goes, I would be fucking fulfilled as a musician.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's sick. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, let's finish here. So we got the Lions laying three and a half.

Speaker 6 We got Goff to throw one.

Speaker 7 Yeah, that's going to come. Yep.

Speaker 6 And then

Speaker 6 what do you want to do? Like St. Brown or the, you know, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Jameer Gibbs. You want to do anything on the other side? I guess they're so banged up.
Yeah. They're banged up.
Yeah. Both are to get held on every play and for some reason they don't fucking call it.

Speaker 1 What does the NFL have against that kid? Every time I see him, he's like got both arms up. Like, what the fuck? And his jersey's like this.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 He's always getting fucking held.

Speaker 6 What should the third one be?

Speaker 1 You know what it is, Paul? You know what I heard? I know what I heard.

Speaker 1 I was fucking with you uh how about jameer gibbs two uh two two plus touchdowns two

Speaker 1 that's a lot

Speaker 1 it's the end of the year paul you already pay when a guy with 44 wins is sitting there and he gives you a little in the left paul kneel the cock of the head there i don't know

Speaker 6 there we could do i mean montgomery's out right he is out yeah

Speaker 1 oh montgomery ward closed down a lunch let's do let's do uh i'm the guy who knows nothing about football anymore let's do gibbs to score one, and then you want to add a fourth?

Speaker 1 No, Paul, let's not get Paul. Paul's already popping the collar, little Ricky Henderson here.
Come on, no.

Speaker 1 Shout out to Andrew Themless for getting the Montgomery Ward reference.

Speaker 6 I remember that store.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, that was fun. Paul, I can see you shopping there as a seven-year-old, and it doesn't make any sense.
You just the four-door sedan, and you're coming out.

Speaker 1 I like this. This is a nice shirt.

Speaker 1 Paul, you dress like an old man.

Speaker 6 That's my favorite thing about paul paul's been paul's had old man vibes in a good way not saying he's old okay you should see the guy get around the track when he goes down the street i'm telling you he's nimble but he he he understands life he's understood life like an old man since i've known him bill it's so funny you say that i remember i was like 16 17 my stepfather was like what you know what kind of car like what kind of car do you want like eight and i was like i don't know i was like do you want to go like look at like buicks i was like i kind of like those four-door buicks dude i was like 17 18 and he just started laughing i just loved i'm like where am i going i'm not going fast well i want a nice whip like a nice yeah i like to watch people going fast i don't i'm not into it no i like i you know i like i can go to nice drive like to cruise yeah nice cruise with a lady

Speaker 6 take your head no i'm kidding uh

Speaker 6 you can't go fast when you're doing that take it down the lake switch over sweetheart

Speaker 1 i got a convertible what are we doing I'll put the top up. All right,

Speaker 1 I'll put the top up.

Speaker 6 There we go. All right.
We'll do Lions to cover. No, Lions to

Speaker 1 cover three and a half. Jared Goff to throw one.

Speaker 6 And Jameer Gibbs to run one.

Speaker 6 Andrew wants two. I mean, two is going to take us out of the bench.

Speaker 6 All right.

Speaker 1 We'll just do one. Come on.
We're trying to make one.

Speaker 1 You're trying to win, huh?

Speaker 6 All right, everybody. There you go.
We went 12 and four last last week for you, and we hit the Monday night special. We're going to try to do it again in week 17.

Speaker 1 Um, but what do we have to do here? We're leaving these picks right at the door for these people. I mean, putting the paper inside the screen door.

Speaker 6 The only thing we're not doing is leaving a envelope of cash, not leaving an envelope of cash, they're fucking me up.

Speaker 1 Now, watch next week we go Owen 16. What do you want me to do?

Speaker 6 Fucking tape the cash to your fucking front door. Um, guys, this week, next week, I will be at Levity Live performing New Year's Eve, 7 and 10 o'clock.
We added it late, but I can't wait to be there.

Speaker 6 First time I've been in that building since I shot my Netflix special. Get tickets, Levity Live, and go to Paulverse.com for more dates.

Speaker 6 And then, yeah, I mean, that's pretty much it. You want to hear some of them?

Speaker 1 If you don't heckle them, he'll give you a couple of picks. My mother-in-law has been here.

Speaker 6 You ready for this?

Speaker 1 No, my mother-in-law. Let me tell you.

Speaker 6 My mother-in-law has been here since December 19th. She was here for Thanksgiving for a few days.
She's been here since December 19th. She's leaving today.

Speaker 3 And I got to say, zero issues.

Speaker 1 Amazing.

Speaker 6 I mean, zero.

Speaker 6 Zero.

Speaker 6 One or two comments I could have done without, but that's me.

Speaker 1 That's me.

Speaker 1 Other than that. Well, you know what? You go for a walk.

Speaker 1 Listen, you go for a walk.

Speaker 1 You go for a walk.

Speaker 6 She was great.

Speaker 1 Hey, is there anything i could get you no no you want anything to eat you want me to fix and you get me something you can get the out of here so i can enjoy my holiday

Speaker 6 get to the airport

Speaker 1 you can get them feet moving and take a walk right out the front door

Speaker 1 take out the trash while you're at it sweet

Speaker 6 you know those people you need to ride to the airport now i got it

Speaker 1 i'm happy to try to help them with their bags no i got it i got it let's go let's go they got a good lounge Car's already warmed up.

Speaker 6 Dude, have you been to the Delta Lounge? It's incredible. You get there early.

Speaker 1 She's like, where are my bags? Oh, they have. Where are my bags? You're like, I overnighted them.
Got it. You have to.

Speaker 1 You got status?

Speaker 1 We're going now.

Speaker 6 The mimosas are there. You grab one.
No, we're going to go now.

Speaker 1 I'd love for you to stay longer, but you got status with Delta Airlines. I mean, you're going to miss out.
I just isn't too early.

Speaker 6 I want you to take advantage of the platinum.

Speaker 1 Isn't it too early to go to the airport? No, no, no, 9-11. You got got to get there early, five hours.

Speaker 1 No, dude, after the holidays, I'm telling the place it's going to, it's going to be a, it's going to be a zoom.

Speaker 6 No, dude, this time of year,

Speaker 1 you pull up, there's like nobody there, it's all awkward.

Speaker 6 Dude, I can't mention the name, but we were at my house at my, we're at my house at my 4th of July party, and there's a couple of comics that I'm close with in the living room talking.

Speaker 6 And one of them says,

Speaker 6 I can't mention the name. One of them goes, hey, dude, so-and-so, like, should we invite so-and-so? Like, because he's home.
And it was just a guy that

Speaker 6 was a what I like to call a do-it-out.

Speaker 6 So it's like you like him, but you could do without him. And I just go, ah, dude, traffic right now is going to be

Speaker 6 everyone just started laughing.

Speaker 1 I go, don't do that to him.

Speaker 6 Don't do that. Dude, if he gets on the road now, you go like this.
You go, now, no, we're going to get here. He's going to get here at seven o'clock and I'm going to enjoy it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's all right if he shows up, but it's all right if he doesn't.

Speaker 6 Why would he do that to his girlfriend that be sitting in the car all day? stay stay relax

Speaker 1 it's a game on we're running out of chairs i mean we have chairs for him but they're not they're not comfortable it's not worth the drive to sit in that chair he might not make the fireworks he might not make the fire he's gonna be in a car

Speaker 1 look if you asked me 20 minutes ago 20 minutes ago

Speaker 6 you start lying out i would have

Speaker 6 i wouldn't be saying the exact same 20 minutes ago or or you put it on the person who offered it why'd you tell me now what'd you tell me now he fucking oh my god you should have told me last night i would have i knew that was somebody i forgot to invite

Speaker 1 uh all right everybody that's why this show is the best hey this is another thing too if it's this time of year and you're calling around to see what people are doing you were a douche for 11 months

Speaker 1 hey man just wanted to say just want to say merry christmas uh you guys doing anything

Speaker 6 No, dude, you have to invite a party the way you draft a team. It's who gets along.
It's, you know, you get a pay. You go ahead and pay.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. You can't bring someone that doesn't fit into your system.
No, you go like this. You go, yeah, he's good.

Speaker 6 How's the wife? Nah.

Speaker 1 Drinks too much. Drinks too much.

Speaker 6 You know what? She starts crying after the fourth glass. No good.
I can't do it. Nice guy.
They're out. And then the wife's always good.

Speaker 1 No, but they're getting a little better now. I'm telling you.
I'm telling you. Alcohol brings out the truth.

Speaker 1 That's what she's telling you that's what she's telling you the alcohol brings out the truth

Speaker 1 amen

Speaker 1 oh it's so great so true how funny would that be okay can i invite so and so no too loud

Speaker 1 they're my favorite old school guys who say she's brassy yeah

Speaker 3 he wanted to go to jail

Speaker 6 You know who goes to jail? They want it because he wanted to get away from his wife. He wanted to get away from his wife.
That's how dumb.

Speaker 6 That was really saying how dumb the wives are, though, in that movie.

Speaker 1 Dude, Too Brassy was my fucking favorite. Let's just say she has that.
She's not going to shut up. And her voice is that unbelievable.

Speaker 3 That the rarity.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 The rare female voice that no matter what register, that person has a complete inability to give you a heart on.

Speaker 1 Doesn't even make sense.

Speaker 6 You know what? We saw. I saw

Speaker 6 a wife ruin her.

Speaker 6 I saw a wife ruin her invitation to my house forever.

Speaker 1 Hey, Paul, you could have stopped at wife's.

Speaker 1 I saw his wife, right?

Speaker 1 It was over.

Speaker 1 What they do, Paul. We say dumb shit and they ruin good times.

Speaker 1 It is what it is.

Speaker 6 Oh, I thought you meant saw the wife like she was a dog show. I can't have a dog show in the house.

Speaker 1 No, I just like, yeah, you know, he brought his wife. All right.
And then problems ensue.

Speaker 6 No, Stacy is like an overly one thing we take pride in in the Versey household is we like to overly host. Make Make sure you had a drink, you need something, you empty, you hungry.

Speaker 6 And Stacy went over to do it. And one insecure wife was just fucking yapping.
And like, she got mad. Stacy.

Speaker 1 You can roll up the newspaper, Paul, right across the snow. I know.

Speaker 6 No, she goes, she goes, hey, can I get you? And like, she just kind of looked at my wife like, I'm talking. And it was like, and my wife was like.

Speaker 1 In your house?

Speaker 1 At my house. Oh, Paul, that's what a bay window's for.
You got to throw them right through like absolute foley.

Speaker 7 Yeah, you know, she said, I'm talking, that's insane.

Speaker 6 Oh, she didn't say I'm talking, she just kind of looked like, like, she kind of looked as if like you're interrupting me. And my wife was going over to make sure she didn't need anything.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 7 super rude, you know,

Speaker 1 yeah, really rude. Just say your name, say your name.
I'll bleep it out. Don't worry, you know what? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm just Janice Rossi.

Speaker 6 Let me be funny, Stacey. No dog shows.
Okay, nice people, but no dog shows. shows.

Speaker 6 We would never do that, you know.

Speaker 1 Look, Paul, listen, we have a rep here, okay? I need an invitation coming up the walk.

Speaker 1 Hey, Paul, can I invite Jennifer over? I don't know. Is she hot?

Speaker 1 There's some other dumb things you can say to ruin your holiday.

Speaker 6 No, it's but she's on Ozempic.

Speaker 1 All right. Give it a shot.
All right.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 All right, guys. This has been a fun thing.
You know what's funny about people on Ozempic? They all have that look of doubt on their face. You know what I mean? Like, they can't believe it either.

Speaker 1 They know it's coming back.

Speaker 6 And that's also the muscle they lost in their cheeks.

Speaker 3 Yeah, no shit.

Speaker 1 It's like they lose like a third.

Speaker 6 Oh, dude, it's actually the only diet thing that like your muscle, like it takes away your muscle nasty.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you start looking like skeletor, which is me saying that too. Dude, there's a fucking guy on my block, right? This

Speaker 1 chatterbox.

Speaker 1 Dude, there's this chatterbox on my block. He's always gossiping about everybody.
I try to blow him off. It's this fat fuck with a mullet.
He's always waving at me and shit, right?

Speaker 1 And then I didn't see him for a while. And then I swear to God, I'm driving down the street and this fucking string bean is waving at me.
I'm like, just going, who the fuck is this guy?

Speaker 1 I just keep seeing him. And then I finally said to my wife, I'm like, is that fucking someone? I think he did Ozempic.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. Dude, he looks like he has a blood disease.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 His face is all gaunt.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 By the way, it's my favorite Aerosmith lyric.

Speaker 1 Watch

Speaker 1 when they were talking about their drug addiction. It's walking on Gucci, wearing East Saint Laurent, barely stay on because I'm so goddamn gaunt.

Speaker 1 And you just picture him wearing this fucking designer suit and like, you know, which usually makes you look great, but everybody's looking at him like death. Goes by real quick.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Aerosmith rocks rocks for anybody else over 55 listening to this podcast yeah

Speaker 3 I should have just said it you know then I had to sing it all right

Speaker 6 a good way to end but it's a it's been a fun one let's be honest

Speaker 6 all right guys last one of the year well listen Have everybody have a happy and healthy new year. Come and see your boy if you're on the tri-state area telling telling some jokes on New Year's Eve.

Speaker 1 Countless booking money.

Speaker 6 Those are our picks. Hey, listen, I'll do a meet and greet.
I'll give you a tip.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Polly the Greek.

Speaker 1 Pass the.

Speaker 3 Oh, wait a minute.

Speaker 1 We got two Greeks on this. We do.
Rushing it.

Speaker 6 It'd be funny if I took a picture with a fan after the show and I was like, dude, Jaguars are going to cover.

Speaker 1 Just take care.

Speaker 1 What if Greeks were the only people casinos were afraid of? For some reason, you guys just had this innate ability

Speaker 3 to get around it

Speaker 1 they find a way to ban us hey i i listen that's it i knew a guy i worked at my dad's store growing up and we had kino and and this guy was greek and uh yeah he didn't have the gene this guy would come and play kino i mean every day he didn't have it he didn't have it man you're gonna get that though oh god

Speaker 1 Kino is like, that's like set up for you to lose. I mean, like picking a game.
I know that's set up to lose, but there's a a little more thought involved. Kino, you're just pushing buttons, right?

Speaker 1 Well, no, it's like you picking,

Speaker 1 he'd walk in, he'd be like, four numbers, $5, one game. So he'd bet $5 to get four numbers.
You know, five games would come out of the league. And it'd be like a quick pick.
So it would come out.

Speaker 1 He'd go, oh, these are terrible numbers.

Speaker 1 I like this. I like these numbers.
And then come back the next week and say it again, these are terrible numbers. Oh, man.

Speaker 1 All right. All right.
Let's wrap this up because I got to hang with my wife today.

Speaker 6 All right, right, guys, those are the picks. You guys know what to do.

Speaker 6 Bet responsibly. If you want to,

Speaker 6 you know, use the app. It's the best app out there.
Bet MGM. You put $10, right? Deposit $10 and you get $1,500 in bonus bets.
If the bet loses.

Speaker 6 after the first bet is settled, your original bet is settled, and go use our code, Burr B-U-R-R.

Speaker 6 There you go. First touchdown.
You do a player prop. Any player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown, you win.

Speaker 6 If it gets the second touchdown, uh, you will get your uh cash, uh, you'll get your stack back in cash. There you go, bet responsibly, everybody.
Have a good week 17 of the NFL.

Speaker 6 Let's see what we could do, and I'll see you at Levity Live. Uh, that's it.

Speaker 1 All right, happy new year, everybody. Thank you so much for watching again this season.
We'll see you later.

Speaker 6 Happy New Year, bye.

Speaker 1 Later, guys.