Monday Morning Podcast 12-23-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December 23rd, 2024. What's going on? How are ya? Alright, December 23rd.
Oh my god. I haven't even wrapped my fucking gifts yet.
It's so fucking dumb

Why does everything end up having to be

Like there's just

Not I haven't even wrapped my fucking gifts yet. It's so fucking dumb.
Why does everything end up having to be like, there's just not enough fucking time? It's just not enough. Everything's a fucking grind.
Even like taking a fucking goddamn day off. All of these fucking people.
Oh, Jesus. I'm just dropping F-bombs all over the place.
All of these people have been, what are you doing for Christmas? What are you doing? I'm going nowhere. I'm going nowhere.
I worked all year. Why would I get on a plane and try to jam a bunch of gifts into the overhead compartment to then go and meet relatives and then be sleeping in a place where I'm not comfortable eating food, I'm not used to, or whatever the hell it is.
And then the entire time, right as you're getting settled, you got to pack up and go back and bring all this shit that they gave you and shove it in overhead compartments and all the fucking, all you want to do is just get home and then you get home and then you got to work another year. You got to work another year for these fucking corporate cunts.
You see that Luigi kid that they figured out a way to give him the, they're going to try to give him the death penalty. Isn't that amazing? Isn't that amazing? That when you kill one of them, oh, fuck, we must do something to deter any copycat.
You know, they called the people on January 6th terrorists. Right.
And they fucking two people died that day. One from their side, one from the other side.
But, you know, nobody got put to death. None of that fucking bullshit.
Some people got some pretty stiff, stiff sentences. Okay, but like, you know, I can tell you this Because you're like, well, they didn't walk up with a gun

And fucking shoot someone in the back

I don't give a fuck what they did

If they trampled the... okay? But like, you know, I can tell you this, because you're like, well, they didn't walk up

with a gun and fucking shoot someone in the back. I don't give a fuck what they did.
If they trampled

the senator from Wisconsin or fucking, you know, Illinois or whatever, pick a liberal state now, Massachusetts, home of the liberal racists.

Then there would... home of the liberal racists.
Then if you fucked with someone that was making one of those Illuminati cunts money on Wall Street, then they would do something. But if it's just a security guard, that's the way they are, whatever.
They don't give a shit. They don't give a shit.
It's fucking unbelievable How just fucking overt that is How important it is to make a statement So that's the message You can get a job working in a corporation You can kill tens of thousands of your own countrymen And you will get a fucking infinity pool. But if you kill somebody who's part

of that machine, you are a terrorist and you're going to get the death penalty. Now, I'm not

saying that this kid should be fucking able to walk around shooting people in the street. I'm

not saying that. But I'm also saying that you shouldn't be able to do that behind a desk either

and kill way more fucking people. Right? Somehow I feel like I have to be careful the way I say that.
Anyway, Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas.
And I hope you enjoyed another year of watching Fox and CNN or whatever the fuck you're doing, thinking you're actually getting the real news. Oh, Bill, Bill, you're becoming insufferable.
I know. I know.
Sorry. Anyway, let's go into some lighter news.
How about those NCAA college football playoffs? Huh? How about that? Wasn't that... Take that, NFL.
That might have been the worst matchups they could have started with. I know, but it gives them somewhere to go.
As far as what I watched, I mean, I was falling asleep at halftime. They were all fucking blowouts.
I don't know where Indiana got their fucking 10 wins from, but Jesus Christ. When you're making Irish kids look fast,

Bill, they're not Irish.

I know.

I know.

Hey, Notre Dame, by the way, could you bring down the gold on the helmet?

You're getting a little too crazy.

Yeah, we painted before every game.

It's like, hello, my baby.

It's Broadway lights bright.

We get it. We get it.
Jesus loves you the most. I do love the message that it's gold.
You know what I mean? How many people have died trying to get gold or steal somebody's gold and all of that, you know? And then that religion, the Catholic religion is always saying that a rich man has as much chance of getting into heaven as a camel does walking through the eye of a needle,

just to make sure you're happy being poor,

as they roll around all in the gold.

Then you go to Notre Dame,

and they got Jesus on top, standing on top of gold.

Like, look at all the money I have!

Actually, wait, I think there's a mural of him. Oh, my God.
Can you imagine doing the walk of shame across the fucking campus at Notre Dame? And you're looking up at Jesus and he's looking at you like, come on. You couldn't wear a condom? I wanted to go there one day.
Not one day, Way back in the day. I wanted to go there.
I told you that. When I was a freshman, when I was going to my freshman year of high school, my dream was I'm going to Notre Dame and I'm going to become a lawyer.
And of course I was young, so I thought I was going to be like an Aaron Brockovich type of lawyer that helps the little man, you know? But when you do that, you make as much money as when you are a state appointed, you make about as much money as a substitute teacher. And then if you lose your case, you have people inside prison that when they get out, they want to kill you.
You know, I think he goes substitute teacher there and just get shit thrown at you every time you turn your back.

By the way, I really think teachers,

you know,

they got to be able,

I don't know about that.

Maybe parents should go back to hitting their kids.

I don't know what it is.

I can never hit my kids,

but my kids also don't get out of line like that.

You know,

as a father,

you don't need to hit your kids. You just need a good

high. You know, one of those, one of those.
The whistle has to be followed up with the stare. A hay can stand on its own.
The other thing is, is a, uh, is a fucking two-hander. It's whistle

They look

Then you bring up your eyeballs

About halfway a fucking two-hander. It's whistle.
They look. Then you bring up your eyeballs about halfway

and then you turn your head. Just you do like a 15 degree turn and you widen your eyes.

For whatever reason, that even works on kids that aren't your kids. Like when you have your friends,

your kids have their friends over and they're all fucking doing some stupid shit. And then you go

I don't know. That even works on kids that aren't your kids.
Like when you have your friends, your kids have their friends over.

And they're all fucking doing some stupid shit.

And then you go out.

They all look.

Turn the head 15 degrees.

Eyes a little bit up.

There you go.

Don't fucking make me.

I'll come over there.

All the big wheels.

Right back in the garage. Right back in the fucking garage.
Ohio State won big. They're such nerds.
That stupid coach winking at his player or whatever. They beat the crap out of whoever.
I can't remember who they played. It wasn't even a contest.
And it's like, buddy, what are you smiling about? What are you smiling about?

You've lost to Michigan.

This season is a failure.

I'm kidding.

Good for them.

Good for them.

Who else did I see?

I saw a little bit of the Clemson game.

I saw a little bit of the Indiana game.

I'm just calling out all the losers. Everybody lost.
But it's still a great idea. Then I watched a little bit of NFL football.
I actually had time because I was fighting off a cold. I saw the Jets versus the Rams.
And what was the next game I watched? I watched the 49ers, whoever the fuck they were playing. I can't even remember.
Get so much goddamn shit. But the script is turned in, everybody.
It is turned in and the powers that be are reading it over the break. And hopefully they will like it.
Or else I got to go back to the goddamn goddamn drawing board and that's the way it is that's the way it is out here in the tough streets of Hollywood um so I flew a helicopter for the first time in like three weeks because I'm so busy and um I flew with my instructor did a beautiful 180 auto auto rotation to end when we came back. But we flew all the way up to Big Bear.
And it's like unseasonably warm up there. Gee, I wonder why that is, right? So we had to, you know, watch our fuel and all of that type of stuff.
And we came in. It was kind of cool.
Like, came in. I was able to, you know, we made sure we could hold the hover.
Before you come in, essentially what you do is when you're at altitude, you know, you just slow down to see if you can hold the hover, which we were able to do. And then we had like a tailwind.
So I started to like spin or whatever and I was it's kind of cool he didn't have to tell me anything collective down push the stick forward fly your way out of it so then as we came in though the helipads flew uh landed two six and now they want you to land down the helipads.

Well, they used to let you land closer to the restaurant, right?

So we flew down there, and everything was good.

And the taxiway getting off was sort of diagonal into the wind.

And I was thinking I was all good, you know?

And then I turned sideway, and then all of a sudden, my RPMs dropped.

And, you know, I was too close to the ground to drop the collective. So I just sort of skied it in.
And he was like, wow, you know, I must've got even hotter since we left or whatever. Cause it wasn't like a, like a big deal, but it was just sort of like a baby run on landing.
And, uh, I was like, all right, I got that. So next time I come up here, what up here what i'm gonna do is this is what's great about having a helicopter is i can i can just just crab my way over so the wind is always coming at me you know is that is that my front you know and i can maintain the lift it was actually uh but i've done so many hover autos and shit like that that it was it was actually a really smooth i was kind of excited that it happened you always wonder about that stuff so that was cool and then we went to this place delmas where we always go and they got these big apple things the size of a softball they give them to you you take them home heat them up put them up, put caramel over it.
I didn't have them. Uh, I gave them to people in my family.
They all loved them. And, uh, cause old Billy's on Billy, Billy Broadway.
I'm on the Fosse diet. I have one edamame a night and I eat one and a half of the, the, the, the peas in the, in the, uh, inside the pod we'll just save that for later um anyway and then we flew back didn't get fuel up in big bear obviously then we were flying back and we stopped in bracket uh kpoc i always remember piece of crap kpoc landed there and it was a super hazy day which um kind of sucked for the view like when we're coming back it seemed like it was only like four and a half five miles but it was six the whole way out but uh it's nice to fly in it because the air is like super calm you know usually on a clear day it means it's kind of windy unless it rained or something like that.

That's sort of the weird thing about aviation.

Like today's like a beautiful day,

but I don't, it's weird.

I'm looking at the treetops.

None of them are moving,

but that doesn't mean that it's not blowing

like a motherfucker all the way up there.

So another thing that I've learned.

Anyways, I'm just babbling.

Just here babbling.

So I got all my gifts wrapped.

Everything's ready to go.

All I got to do is go out and get a couple of stocking

Stop us!

I always get my wife like a joke gift

For the

For the stocking

Ah fuck, is my phone gonna die?

I swear to god

I swear to god

Is there any

I go to bed, just charge the thing

I don't fucking charge

Hey guys, this is gonna bed, just charge the thing. I don't fucking charge it.
You know what, guys? Hey, guys, this is going to be a shorter podcast because my phone's going to die. Got something on the mic here.
Anyway, yeah. So I usually get her something stupid.
Like, I remember one year I just kept telling her, I said, I know exactly what I'm getting you for Christmas. I know exactly what I'm getting you for Christmas.
She said, what? I go, I am going to get her something stupid. Like I remember one year I just kept telling her, I said, I know exactly

what I'm getting you for Christmas.

I know exactly

what I'm getting you for Christmas.

She said, what?

I go, I am going to get you

a giant bag of Fritos.

And I just kept saying that

over and over again.

And then when Christmas time came,

the first gift I gave her,

she shook it.

She knew what it was

and she was already laughing.

And then she opened it up

and I went, oh, NeNe, I love you.

And I tackled her.

Thank you. And I tackled her.
Told her that she was the only woman in the world that I would buy a giant bag of Fritos for. And, of course, I like Fritos, and she doesn't, so it was actually selfish on my part.
But anyway, the lovely Nia. I know like the fun foods that she likes.
So I always stick those in there or something silly. I just got to figure out what that is.
And then I got to get the kids something. But all the big gifts.
You know what I mean? You always got to have that one big gift for your kid. So they keep believing in Santa Claus some dumb reason my daughter by the way was just hammering me with questions this morning making pancakes haven't had my coffee yet and she is just fucking grilling me you know first 48 going dad how can Santa have one cookie in everybody's house around the fucking world? And I just, I just clammed up.
And she just kept asking one question after another that I had no answer for. And I just didn't open my mouth because if I did, I was going to be like, because it's all fucking bullshit.
It's all bullshit. This whole fucking thing is bullshit.
He doesn't exist. The fucking buying a bunch of fucking gifts and spending all the fucking money you don't have.
And not having any time and not getting relaxed. It's all fucking bullshit.
The only thing that fucking matters is right now. Me standing here making you pancakes because I love you.
That's the only thing that fucking matters. Everything else is bullshit.
But I didn't. I kept my mouth shut.
All right. Keep your mouth shut.
You don't rat on Santa Claus. Jimmy the Gent.
I learned that. Good fellas.
actually you know we did a bit a few weeks ago on this podcast where you came up with terrible sequels to amazing movies that don't need a sequel I have an idea for a sequel to Goodfellas it's called Come On Fellas and it's about three gay guys that turned the original movie into a musical. It's called Come On, Fellas.
We don't need to hurt those people like that, do we? Five, six, seven, eight. Jimmy the Gent.
Jimmy the Gent. I'm sorry.
I still think the best one was that one of you listeners came up with. I sent that to fucking everybody.
All my comedy friends love that. The sequel to Schindler's List.
Schindler's Wrist. It's about the carpal tunnel that Schindler got writing out the list.
And the rehab that follows. I just feel like it's the most boring movie ever.

Anticlimactic. And the movie ends with Schindler, just his last line is, that feels pretty good.
And then just roll credits. Come on.
You wouldn't go out to the movie theater to see that? Come on. um, close second for me was, uh, big part two.
This time it isn't statutory rape. Um, all right.
So I told you guys, I was going through, uh, watching all the Coen brother movies. And, uh, right now I'm in this year 2007 where I think they produced two things and then made, oh my God, my fucking favorite of all time, No Country for Old Men.
So I rented it two days ago. I started to watch.
It's a bunch of short films, this thing. Paris, Je T'aime.
I'm not sure if that's the name of it, but I loved it immediately because it was in French which by the way I've been fucking killing killing I just don't have nobody I can speak it with out here I haven't been with my tutor for a minute but that's another thing like Duolingo I'm doing Duolingo and then they put you in these groups and then you have to compete with other fucking people and then they have these certain exercises where you're going against the timer. And then you need to use up some of the thingy-majingys that you want on the other lessons to extend the timer.
It's just like, what are we doing here? I'm trying to learn a language. This is supposed to be fun.
This is supposed to be relaxing. This is supposed to be expanding my mind.
These fucking corporate cunts. Every fucking thing that was beautiful and spiritual, they have ruined.
And they've owned all the... Look at the fucking Food Network.
Nobody's cooking on that. That whole fucking goddamn channel is just stress.
There's not enough ingredients. There's not enough time.
You're competing with these other people. If you want your own restaurant, you gotta figure it out and go.
And they do it to kids. I fucking hate that shit.
My wife and my kids love watching these fucking kids crying, packing up their little fucking Fisher Price forks and knives because they didn't make toast fast enough or whatever the hell it is. And it's just like, don't you see what they're doing? They're getting them into this whole, that's the right word, into this whole fucking corporate thing that you got to go, go, go.
Not enough time, not enough money, not enough shit you need. So let me just walk by my car as I'm screaming here.
Not enough shit. Not enough time.
Not enough spaces.

Only one of you will win.

Doing that to kids.

These fucking kids are all talented.

And the things that they're cooking and shit,

it's amazing.

And they're really talented and they're really good at what they do.

But every show,

one kid goes home crying.

Right?

The fuck are we teaching them to get used to being abused? This fucking cooking, uh, bootcamp that you're sticking them in. It's just so fucking dumb.
I swear to God. Like I just remember that there was when I was growing up on my paper route, there was a couple of old fucking people.
They didn't get the paper on my route. And people rarely saw them.
They were in the house and every couple of months they would come out and people would be like, hey, hey, Mrs. Johnson, how are you? And she would just sort of nod, barely wave.
And everybody thought that she was weird or this guy was weird or whatever. It isn't.
I don't think it's 100% that. Some of them are weirdos.
I'm not going to lie to you. And you wouldn't want to go in their house to see whatever they're doing.
But others, others, I think that they, they just, they've had enough. They've had enough with either the way the world has been or the way it's become or how long this journey is taking.

And they just sort of like, you know, I am going to minimize my time on this planet interacting with other human beings because so many of them are disappointing. You know.
But there's great human beings that wrote great books or made great movies. There's experiences to be had by myself.
Enjoying the works of higher beings. And I'm going to do that rather than standing in the yard as my, my neighbor is yelling across the street to me about the over under of the chiefs fucking lions game.
You know, I don't know. I might be wrong, but that's just a different perspective.
You know, I'm probably doing, I'm probably projecting because I really see like, uh, like when I think about the end of my life, I always see a couple of things. I see the positive one is me happy as hell, just helping out and encouraging younger people.
And then there's another part of me, the dark one Billy Darkness you know

not Willie Wins, Breeze Through the Trees. Billy Darkness.
I imagine myself, I'm alone on a one level ranch. just staring out at this endless flat land on the back porch.
And there's a dog next to me and I'm just rubbing his head and I'm just staring, staring out that way by myself. And then that's how I die.
Rub its head. I take one last draw on a cigar and then my giant fucking melon drops.

And then the weight of it makes me do a forward somersault. Off the back porch.
oh shit there's one to animate the end of my life right there that would be a that'd be interesting one um anyway i'll tell you what's amazing somebody i ran to somebody yesterday and they tried to tell me that this luigi kid um v for vendetta luigi uh is going to be making a youtube video it's like how do you make a YouTube video if you're in prison? And then how am I supposed, like, whatever he makes, they're just going to edit it to make him look like the most insane fucking person ever. Like, he's insane.
He is insane. But a never-ending war, you know, that bankrupts the country, and we're still fucking there, and what you said was going to be there, that we needed to stop, we never found, and we're still fucking there.
And what you said was going to be there that we needed to stop. We never found and we're still fucking there.
That isn't insane. And the amount of innocent people that died over there.
None of that is insane, but this kid is out of his fucking mind. He's out of his mind.
All right. Here's a bushel of carrots.
Make me some banana bread, you little shit. I don't know how to.
Pack up your knives and get the fuck off this set. Right? And then Paula Absdool's there.
I did like your toast. Hang in there.
As the kid fucking walks off. Ugh.
One of the chicks from Facts of Life is there to say that, you know, the scrambled eggs were a little runny. It's just one of the sadder shows that you could watch out there.
It's like, why would you do this to these fucking kids? The fucking kids are sitting there, and then the kids all weirdly talk like adults when they lose some fucking 8 year old going like you know I'm gonna learn from this experience I had a good time and I'm not gonna give up on my dream it's like you're fucking 8 there's no learning from experiences at 8 do you do that in your 20s and 30s when you look back on the whole thing like, what the fuck was that? What was that? I'm going to learn from my experiences. You've only been talking for fucking five years.
Obviously, this is a setback and I was hoping that, you know, I would go further in this competition. Some of my goals are to own my first restaurant in a strip mall by the time I'm nine and a half.
And, you know, I got to real a little bit, but I'm going to put my head down. I'm talking to some investors in the seventh grade that possibly want to go in half on a lemonade stand.
It's like, what am I looking at here? This is a fucking kid? I know, I know. I'm losing it this week.
I am fucking losing it. I'm just really having a difficult time fucking watching so few people controlling the narrative and just squashing down how many people were truly not sad about that incident in New York.

And like, obviously, you're not pro going around killing people.

But like, none of these fucking people were like, maybe we need to look at the system.

Maybe we need to do that.

Obviously, you got to punish somebody that goes around and shoot somebody in public in the back.

You got to do that, right?

But like, none of them are going to try to fix the system. They're just going to kill this kid to try to deter you from stopping them from continuing to deny your claim so you die.
It's fucking wild. It's fucking wild.
none of them not even the liberal liberal Larrys on CNN. I don't know.
Granted, I don't watch either one of those channels, but I have seen clips. You know, obviously, I came here and I was, you know, shooting for the moon.
You know, but that's why you do it. You shoot for the moon and you make it halfway to the stars.
And, you know, at the very this morning, I'm just going to try to, you know, pick up the pieces. And it's just one day at a time.
You know, I didn't get it done. I never learned how to ride a bicycle because my parents have been pushing me so hard to learn how to blanch something and put it in an ice bath.
Oh, I have a bad feeling this is only funny to me. All right, let's...
Oh, I have no reads this week. Oh, no reads, no reads.
See what happens when you defend some fucking V for that Vendetta guy there? Anyway, my car's been fucking acting up. I took it in for a tune-up.
Fucking four grand later, everything was leaking on the front end. I needed new brakes and all of this shit.
So now she's tight as a drum. I get the fucking car back.
Two days later, the engine light comes on. It's all it is, is an engine light.
I'm like, what does that mean? So I pull over, I got my cell phone flashlight underneath the car. I'm looking for something to leak because I don't want anything to seize up.
Like what the fuck is going on here? So after the holidays, I got to bring that back. You know, I was disappointed with the tune up.
I thought I thought it was really pretty good. And a few days later.
So anyway, lady listener, I promise you guys, this this this podcast is going to mercifully end soon. OK, but I will go a little bit longer for those of you that are in a relationship that you know you're getting out of in 2025.
You just can't do it around this time. Okay? Know that I support you and that, you know, you will feel so much better.
So much better. If in fact that is the right decision.
But you have to figure out, did you quit on it? And maybe if you just put a little more work into it. Because that's what I always learn a lot in my relationship when I start feeling like you know when you just start looking sideways at the person sitting there next to you crunching on some veggies and hearing that sound in their mouth echoing throughout their head and you're just sitting there thinking, can you stop chewing those vegetables?

Yeah, that's when it's time to be,

hey, let's go see a movie.

But if you're really with someone

who's a fucking asshole,

make it your New Year's resolution.

I know the holidays are weird, right?

This is what you do.

You sit them down. I've done this for years.
You sit them down. You say, we need to talk.
All right. And the guy will be like, all right, where, where do you want to talk? If you're a guy saying it to a woman, she'll be like, what do you want to talk about? Well, you go, well, not here.
It's like, well, that's weird. You can't just say we want to talk.
Then they start freaking the fuck out. So if you're going to say we need to talk to a woman you better be ready to talk right then and there and then you just start with you just say listen i've given this a lot of thought i'm just i'm not happy in this relationship and it's it's just not right and it's not something that we can work on.
It's just, I don't feel right being with you. That's it.
And then like, oh, what did I do? You didn't do anything. You didn't do anything.
It's not about what you did or didn't do. It's the vibe.
That's what it is. Someday when you meet your soulmate, there's still something that they're going to do that bugs you.
It's not what you did. It's just, this is just, it's too difficult.
It's too much fucking work. Take out the fucks.
All right. And then that's it.
And then you just let them say what they're going to say and cry and don't go carry on and do all of that shit. But you do not go back in, do not go back in the house.
Is it? It's over. It's a, it's a wrap, but you know, that's it.
And then just know that women need to like turn over every fucking stone and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then they're going to get mad and they're going to get angry and they're going to say mean shit to you.
And you just sit there and take it. And as they say that mean shit and they bring up your family or whatever the fuck they're going to do, you just sit there in your head going like, ah, this is the last time I have to hear this.
This is, this is it. No more looking at your dumb face.
This is it it And the same thing with the ladies With the ladies Oh my god What's it like when gay people break up? When gay guys break up, is it really quick? Yeah, I don't want to do it either, right? It's just fucking over And does like a lesbian breakup Take like months? Or is it the other way around? Are the lesbians more dude-ish, you know? More guy vibe? Or is that just a stereotype? I don't know. Hey, gay people.
Hey! Fucking right in. Tell me how the breakups.
That's actually, I don't even need you to. I just thought about that.
There's some really dramatic straight guys fucking go around, you know, woman breaks up with them. Next thing you know, they're sitting down eating mac and cheese.
They look out their bay window and the guy's standing there in the bushes. I thought I told you to get out of here.
um all right lady listener here okay so we were talking about haircuts on this podcast. This bald guy.
Somehow I'm talking about haircuts. They were talking about how there was this guy.
His wife was sitting there with their friends. This is this is like page one.
Don't do this as a husband. OK.
And and his wife has a bunch of friends over. Right.
So what's your job? Your job's to act like she married a really cool, nice, sweet guy that's going to go fetch shit for her. That's what you do.
You both know it's a lie, but, you know, it makes her look good in front of her friends. And her friends know you're putting on a show.
But just the fact that you're putting on a show, they know that you love her enough to lie to all of them. It's weird.
It's how their brains work, I think. These are all just guesses.

All right?

By the way, I'm sick of people looking shit up on the internet

and acting like they found the answer.

Okay?

No matter what thought you have,

there is a website at this point that will agree with it.

Okay?

What do you want your world to be?

You want it to be round?

You want it to be flat?

You want it to be a cereal bowl?

You want it to be shaped like a fucking graduated cylinder? There's a fucking website that will agree with you. You haven't proved anything.
There's no rules of libel or slander. There's no degree that you have to get.
What the fuck was that guy just doing? Jesus Christ, I almost fucking drove right in the back of my car.

Yeah, you can just post whatever you want to post.

So anyway, this guy goes up, right?

He's got his wife's over at their house with the friends.

And they were, you know, bitching about how much it cost for them to get their hair done.

And how men have it easier. You know, the usual woman thing.
Men have it easier. We literally die before you do.
Well, that's because your fault. All right, lady listener, haircut, blowback.
Hi, Bill. Oh, so people have been weighing in on this thing about like, well, guys get their haircut more frequently.
Black guys go to the barbershop like every seven to 10 days. There's a lot of variables like analytics.
People would love this. So a lady listeners writing it.
Love when the ladies write in. Lady listener here living in LA.
Hairstylists are getting absolutely out of control with their pricing here. The last time I got it done in the city, it was $450 for highlights.
No cut. Plus, they expect a 20% tip.
So that's, let's see, 20 on the 100. That's $80.
$90. So that is a $540 haircut just to fucking have your hair be a little sun-kissed.
The craziest part is these days, a blow-dry doesn't even come with the service. Yeah, that's all corporate decisions, just trying to make more money and more money and more money.
That was an extra $60. So I had to walk out with sopping long wet hair, shivering, not even knowing how the color turned out.
Are you fucking kidding me? I swear to God, the way that businesses treat their customers, there is no fucking way. If I ran an old Billy's hair salon, right? Billy Highlights.
Billy Blowdry. There is no fucking way I would do that.
No fucking way. I'd have nice, chill, fucking lady vibes going on.
And they'd all be pampered like a bunch of fucking queens, like they want to be. And then they'd be psyched and they would come back.
And whatever fucking money I was saving by not blow drying their hair, you know, I would make tenfold by word of mouth. They just, they don't fucking get it.
All right. Anyway, the person goes on.
In the last few months, there has been a trend of hairdressers complaining on TikTok, wondering why they are no longer booked and busy. Their complaint, their complaining has led to a huge response from women explaining to what I just laid out for you.
Well, good for you guys. Fuck those assholes.
They overcharge and take advantage of the fact that unless you want to go to super cuts, you're going to have to pay a car payments worth just to get a job done. I don't feel bad for them not being booked.
And the past few years, I found it was cheaper to get it done when I visit my husband's hometown a couple times a year. They do a better job in a shorter time.
And I get to hear a bunch of women drop their R's. Oh, they're in Boston.
Merry Christmas, Bill. That's great.
Yeah, I don't understand, like, these fucking corporate people. They can't just make money off of a customer.
They have to fuck them. They're not happy unless they're balls deep in you and they just fucked you and got all your fucking information.
I'm telling you, it was inevitable. What happened to that guy in New York? It was fucking inevitable.
You can't push people like that. And then you get all you need is one fucking you.
You know, the reason why you don't walk down the street talking shit is you're going to run to a person who doesn't give a fuck. Forget about crazy people.
So if you're going around treating, if you're going around treating people, sorry, I had a cigar, which, by the way, first of the year, I'm going another hundred days, which means I've been smoking like a fucking chimney. Anyway, if you're going to treat people like that, eventually you're going to do it to somebody who is a little mentally unstable or just does not give a fuck.
And that shit's going to happen. All right.
Worse than the Santa lie. All right.
Hey, okay. Talking about like, I hate, I hate the whole Santa Claus lie.
It's getting worse every year. I told you my daughter was fucking squeezing me for the information.
I literally felt like I was in a mob family wearing a wire this morning, making pancakes. Um, and by the way, I wanted to make blueberry pancakes.
Nobody wanted fucking blueberry pancakes. So I said, fine, I'll just make blueberry for myself.
And this is the deal. If you're going to do blueberry pancakes, the blueberries have to be in the batter.
You can't pour the pancake in and then put the fucking blueberries on top. Cause then when you flip it over, you have a house on stilts.
It just doesn't fucking work. It doesn't taste as good.
And then also you want the organic blueberries, the ones that are size, you know, of like, uh, like a little pebble. You don't want those fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger roided up ones.
They're too much. It's too much.
Okay. The blueberry compliments the pancake.
It does not overtake the pancake. So, um, but I had to drop them in boots on the ground in the pan.
It was fucking terrible flipping the pancake over and it's fucking, you know, looking like a fat guy's hiding between

mattresses. Um, anyway, worse than the Santa lie.
Hey, Billy frosted fruit. I get what you're saying about the whole Santa thing, but I never had a problem with my kids finding out eventually and being mad at us.
I've got three kids and they all had fun talking about Santa and leaving cookies out.

I think what's way worse is the trend of parents filming themselves the day after Halloween

telling their kids that they ate all their candy. Yeah, I don't like that either.
That's terrible.

I don't get that. Making your kids cry on purpose.
I don't understand that.

That happened to me a lot as a kid.

If you want to raise a child to become an angry adult, do that to them.

The parents are stone cold and keep the lie going until the kids start to cry.

It's so fucked up because the parents laugh at it.

I think it started on a late night show. And of course, people would do anything to get their stupid videos on TV.
Well, yeah, that also happened on America's Funniest Home Videos, where rather than preventing your kid from getting hit in the head by something, you continued to film it because all of a sudden, your kid getting CTE was now worth $10,000. Anyway, it's such a wild thing to me to get joy out of watching kids cry.
Yeah, it's just candy, but the idea that your kid is looking up at you as you laugh and enjoy their pain is so fucked up. Merry Christmas, you beautiful bastard.
All right, that was good. That was a very female argument, though, where you were like, I don't think it's such a big deal, but what about this? They're both fucked up.
Both of those things are fucked up. But I guess the kids have more fun believing until they realize that you're a liar.
Although I never looked at it that way. I personally didn't look at it that way.
I just felt like, oh, cool. I know something my younger siblings don't know.
That made me feel like an adult. I didn't give a shit as long as there were still gifts.
Anyway, daughter's Christmas school play. Dear Billy buried his bad shit.
I wish that was true. Fellow old dad here, 52 with a 6-year-old.
Today she froze on stage at her school Christmas play. She had the starting line for the scene, but nothing came out.
About 100 parents looking up from the phone screens. They are filming, and my little girl stares out unmoving.
The teacher came up and helped her with her line, and the play puttered on. At dinner tonight, my wife and I asked her, but she didn't want to talk about it.
I think that the best way for her to deal with the snare would be to laugh about it. I don't want her to suppress it.
So you may or may not agree, I'd be interested in your take on it, but more so. I was wondering how can I make my little girl laugh about something that is likely a sensitive issue with you.

Any tips, funny guy?

Thanks and keep up with the stretching and gym stuff.

If you stretch enough, you might just be able to go suck yourself.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Yeah, I find with sensitive things like that, I'm not a fucking therapist, so take this for what it's worth.

What I do is I talk about myself when something like that happened to me.

You just heard that was real me going, oh, no.

Okay, I thought I accidentally deleted it. Somebody just just called me I have it on fucking the airplane mode So I was going back In my library to make sure I still had it I was like oh no Okay good Yeah I just sort of like You know When one of my kids was nervous about the whole, you know, that some sort of performance thing or, you know, I just talk about like, I would just say, hey, you know, I did a show tonight.
And, you know, oh, yeah, cool. I said, yeah, you know, I was kind of nervous before I went up there.
And then they just see them look up. And I just told the story about how nervous I was when I went out there.
And I feel like at their age, it's better for them to hear. It's better for them to feel like, oh, I'm not the only one that feels this way.
Rather than looking at the game film and trying to get them to laugh at messing up. I think it's really hard for, you know, young kids to laugh at their mistakes because they're so wanting to be part of the group and all of that type of stuff.
So, um, you know, my daughter one time was, you know, she's really like smart, right? So by the time she was like four, she was talking about her happy brain and her sad brain. And I was like, wow.
So she gets like melancholy and sometimes feeling a little depressed or whatever. So I just put that in the bank and I just waited a few days.
And, uh, you know, it was just one day we were just hanging out talking and I told her that I was a little bit sad earlier in the day. And she said, you were sad? Like she literally looked at her.
I said, yeah, I was. She said, why? I said, oh, you know, I don't know.
I was just thinking about some friends of mine that I haven't seen in a while. And it was making me feel sad.
And, you know, but then I thought about you guys and that made me more happy. But it was was okay, you know, and I said, made it okay to be sad, so whatever, so with this thing, I think when your kids are younger, it's a really, it's much better, I've had much better results talking to them about when I was in the same situation, and, you know, things didn't work out.
So I would just tell her a story about going up in front of the class, telling a book report and how nervous you were and all the things that you did. But then I got through it and, you know, and now I actually, the more I did it, the more I liked going up in front of people.
And, you know, and now I actually enjoy doing it. So it's not like a negative thing.
And being nervous is like totally normal or whatever. I would definitely go that route as opposed to trying to get them to like sort of laugh and shake off their, you know, whatever just happened.
Because like, and I would even let it go for a couple of days. You know what I mean? Because there is that thing as a parent where, you know, you know how big and painful those things are to you when you were a kid.
So just your parental instinct to try and protect them. It's like you can't and you want to fast forward through growing pains.
They have to go through them. So you have to just like sort of let it happen, be there for them.
And, you know, there's ways you can sort of nudge them towards the information that'll make them feel better, but they have to go through it and being embarrassed. I mean, that what that what happened to that, her at that play one day, it's just going to be a funny story she's going to tell when she gets older.
It just sucks for her right now. But, um, you know, that's, you know, it's, it's like watching your team.
They fucking lose and they lose and then they finally win a championship. And what makes it so great is the fact that all of those losses, the satisfaction is even better.
So I guess that would be my advice. That's what I've been doing is I just try to like, you know, when it feels like the time is right and it doesn't feel forced, I'll just sort of talk about being sad, being embarrassed, you know, being, you know, messing up, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
You know, I fucking, you know, I still mess up all the time. I'll tell them shit like that.
I'll do a monologue on SNL and I forget a joke. Oh my God.
How did I forget to do that part of the joke? And then I just like, you know, I'm just old enough now to be like, well, I'm not going to dwell on that. People don't know that I missed the joke.
I still had a great fucking time and who gives a fuck? I got to do SNL. I missed a joke.
Nobody cares. So anyway, I hope that helps.
Cunty's sister-in-law. Hey there, bald Billy Butternuts.
My phone's down to 10%, by the way. Love the podcast.
Never miss an episode. It's the holiday season.
Do be do be do. And as you know, Christmas is less about presents, food and decorations and more about having to deal with the family cuntiness and feeling obligated to let shit slide.
Listen, don't hit me with the as you know. OK, you tell me what you know and I'll let you know if I feel like I know the same thing.
I don't like when people like, you know, and I don't have to tell you that you fucking agree with me. This person says, my wife's sister usually comes up to stay with us in Boston from Florida.
Over the years, I've had to deal with her selfish, lazy, annoying, self-centered attitude. Isn't that fucking, the amount of fucking people, the amount of fucking people, now I do agree with you, that can just come up and just fucking ruin it.
Like that's their job. You know what I mean? Then you just want to be like that right there is, that's, that's why you're alone.
That's why you've been divorced six times. You want it, but you can't say it.
You can't say it. It's fucking unreal.
It's unreal. I think there's like a big thing that, you know, as you get older, you just cut those people out.
Like right now, you know, uh, I don't have anybody like that in my life. Like I'd have to go back years and years and years and years ago to different relationships when I used to just fucking tolerate that stuff.
And it's literally like they come in and they just ruin your fucking holiday.

Anyway, he said,

my wife's sister usually comes to stay.

She's always late making us wait for her.

And when we've got shit to do,

she never picks up after herself

and leaves half full glasses of water

in every fucking room.

Like she's preparing for a goddamn alien invasion. Invasion.
signs reference I never saw that she's in her early 40s never been married yep has a new boyfriend every year and wonder why she can't keep a man for more than a few months so that's that's that's where I take that's where I just get calm I'm just like it as much as she's annoying the shit out of me, her life is her punishment. I don't need to put any energy into this.
This year she's dating a mid-50s dude who spends half his time in Florida and the other half in Rhode Island. Yeah, with his real family.
He buys her shit, spoils her rotten, takes her on his boat. You know, the drill.
The problem is the fucking guy is married with kids. Oh, I nailed it.
He says he's separated, but when he's in Rhode Island, he's with his family. Both my wife and I do not even want to meet this fucking clown.
It'd be one thing if he had filed for divorce and was, you know, actually separated. Wow, dude, that guy's living life on the edge.
She doesn't take pictures of them and post it? He tells my sis-in-law it's because of financial reasons, but the guy still goes home to Rhode Island. He recently had a surgery on his hip or some shit in his home with his family, so she's feeling sad that she hasn't seen him in a while.
My wife and I, I bet he didn't even have hip surgery. That's probably his pussy way of breaking up with her.
My wife and I are taking our nine-year-old son to Florida for winter break and her sis has mentioned that we could all go out on us both together. Fuck that.
Yes, fuck that. And that's an easy boundary to put up.
I don't want to be a part of that. I don't want my kids to see that.
I don't want our kids to see that. Anyway, I don't want my family exposed to some...
Yay! I'm nailing this one. I don't want my family exposed to some guy who's using my sis-in-law as some side piece of ass.
Yes, exactly. Like I said before, she's coming up for the week of Christmas and I'm afraid she's going to want to bring this asshat into my house.
My wife said she's going to talk to her and I'm, am I being a total prick? Not at all. Not at all.
Not at all. You got kids.
Fuck that. Fuck that.
You're not having this fucking gigolo coming in with his fucking tanned up old man chest with his white chest hair coming in there walking like fucking Colin Farrell on the penguin. You don't need that.
I mean, it's not like she's going to meet his friends and meet his friends and family. Just thought I'd get you two cents on the situation.
Merry Christmas and go fuck yourself. Yeah, I think it's really easy to say she's in a really unhealthy relationship.
And I think we have a great relationship. And that's the kind of relationship I want our kids to see.
I don't want them to see some guy who's out there philandering and showing that it's okay to have side puss because you have a boat in Florida. Just say it a little nicer than that.
Phil Collins documentary. Woo! Billy Drummer Boy.
I wanted to make sure you catch the new Phil Collins documentary. I would love to see it.
Phil Collins. Drummer First.
Now YouTube. It's a two hour retrospective of his career.
I'm all over this. Covering his journey from humble beginnings to his work with Genesis, brand X.
Brutally underrated album that I have. Came out and I don't know how many he did, but I only have one album came out in 75 or 76 and he is fucking murdering.
The film is hosted by his son, Nick, making it a full circle father-son bonding moment and includes insights from greats like Chad Smith. I've met him at a couple of benefits.
That dude is one of the most funnest dudes ever to hang out with. Just great energy.
Mike Portnoy, Bran Daler. Sorry if I said that name wrong.
Jonathan Moffat, Matt Cameron. Oh, wow.
And more. I really see...
Oh, you know what? I never thought about that. I see a little Phil Collins and Matt Cameron stuff.
Dude, his stuff with Soundgarden is just... The parts that he came up for those songs are just next level.
Anyway, it's a must-watch for drum nerds

such as yourself, filled with incredible stories and respect for Phil's legacy. You're sure to

enjoy. Happy holidays to your wonderful family.
You, however, can go fuck yourself. I'll definitely

check that out. And I got to go get some stocking stuffers, so I got to cut this a little short.

Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah.
Happy Kwanzaa. If you don't do anything, happy doing that.
Thank you guys so much. Another year of supporting me, listening to the podcast, coming to my shows, watching my shit on the social medias.
I can't thank you guys enough. And I hope to see you guys all out there when I do the Broadway play next year.

I got a big year next year.

Play.

I'm going to shoot another movie.

Our follow-up, me and Ben Tish was follow-up.

It's not of old dads, but we're just doing another funny movie.

And in between then, I'm going to be doing some stand-up dates with the new hour.

I can't wait.

You guys are the best. However, go fuck yourselves.

Have a great Christmas.

I'll check in on you on Thursday.