Thursday Afternoon Monday Podcast 12-19-24 w/ ADAM RAY

All right. Hey, what's okay.
Hey, what's going on, everybody? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you.
I started to spit. That's why I do a little fucking lizard thing there with my tongue.
You know the deal. If I'm on camera, it's not my typical narcissist.
Look at me. Shit.
It means I have a very special guest. And today is no different like all the other days when I have say it's no different.
Like it's special. But no, this is it.
This guy's absolutely fucking hilarious. He's been killing it as a comedian.
I did a roast with him a long time ago for David Ortiz. He played a Yankee fan.
He was amazing. And since then, he's been killing it.
He's doing this Dr. Phil character.
It's been blowing up. He's got a new special.

Here we go, everybody.

The one and only Adam Ray.

Adam Ray, everybody.

What's going on?

Good to see you, Billy.

How are you?

I'm doing great, man.

All right.

First, let's get it out of the way.

You got a new special.

What's the name?

Where's it at?

It's called Adam Ray, Dr. Phil.

Adam Ray is Dr. Phil Unleashed.

It's on Netflix.

It features myself and real Dr. Phil.

Who would have thunk that when I called you,

and I tell the story all the time when I was like,

I think. Dr.
Phil Unleashed. It's on Netflix.
It features myself and real Dr. Phil.
Who would have thunk that when I called you,

and I tell the story all the time when I was like,

all right, I think I want to do,

I sent Bill Burr a voice note and I was like,

I think I want to do this like weird late night show where I'm dressing up as Dr. Phil.

I don't know what it looks like.

I do a monologue.

I do some sketches.

You come out, we chat, we bullshit.

You couldn't have been quicker to be like, dude, fucking yes of my anger issues let's fucking do it which gave me so much juice to actually follow through because i think you know i don't know if you can attest to this but anytime you are throwing a big dart for just a new project you know you're meeting yourself with some you know at least for me i was considering like oh fuck'm going to do it at the store where I feel comfy, but now I'm going to step out of my comfort zone because comics might judge or the staff is going to be like, what is he doing? It's not stand-up. And you being so pumped washed all that away.
So God bless you for that. Plus there's so much shit now that isn't stand-up.
Yes. It was like the roast battle.
Yes. The fucking make fun of the open micers.

Kill Tony.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kill Tony's show started there.

At the end of the day, it sounded fun, and I was like,

I want to fucking do it.

And we sold it out in 20 minutes because of you,

and it was so fun.

Dude, look at how all of those shows were.

Roast battle blew up.

Yeah.

Kill Tony blew up.

Yeah.

And now you.

Yeah.

And so who would have thought, though,

literally a little over a year later from that episode,

We'll be right back. Dude, look at all of those shows.
Roast Battle blew up. Kill Tony blew up.
And now you. And so who would have thought, though, literally a little over a year later from that episode when we were just fucking around that then Real Phil comes on.
So it's on Netflix. Check it out.
Dr. Phil Unleashed is what we called it.
Well, you know what's funny is when I first started watching stand-up in like the late 70s, there was so much shit like what's happening now oh really like yeah you could go on stage and basically do whatever you gotta remember like that uncle milty milton burroughs spent 90 of his his professional life in a dress he was in drag right and and and you know they said anything yeah the whole country loved him whatever and then somewhere in the 80s doing a character became hacky and then by the 90s it got to the point like purists were like you know if you even had to move you know where they would just be like you know so and so dude he just stands there and does his jokes and he's killing that is stand stand-up comedy. You're like, what's his face in No Country for Old Men where he didn't blink when he was playing the serial killer? It's like if you just stand there and don't move a muscle, why did the chicken cross the road? It got all the way to there.
Up until when? When did it shift again? Alternative comedy. Alternative comedy scene, which a lot of people sort of had a negative view towards the end, including myself, where I was just like, because they were carrying themselves like they were all these brilliant people, and that they were better than Club Comics.
When Club Comics started that scene, that's what they didn't know. So by the time, I would say like the early 90s um stand-up had become so like uh i don't know it was just sort of like this is what comedy is and fuck all other comedy and these great comics that that wanted to do other stuff felt too contain right so they just started a room where you could just kind of do a bunch of other shit yeah and that's what started the alt scene it was just like any other scene where it started it was exciting it was great and then it plateaued and then it became walmart and then and then it just tanks so like like i feel like uh you know certain like right now there's certain stand-up scenes that that are have now become walmart yeah even though they think they're fucking cutting edge and dangerous as we all fucking do it's like no you guys are kind of mainstream or whatever and then then it just sort of like people just it's like music they just get like you know grunge is here oh this is gonna be here forever nope gone no here comes pop gone yeah so it kind of works's what's great about the Comedy Store, too, is that it does, I like that I started the show there because it does feel comfy and familiar and does feel like I'm not doing it, like putting it on like a Largo, a place I don't go to a lot, or just a place that might feel more appropriate for like a different show.
Right. I like that it took off there and is adding, you know, just adding another layer to the store and i want to add a layer to dr phil because i always felt he looked like a corrupt cop and always thought that he would have that you know back in the day movie those cop movies he would always have like he'd have like a taped up pistol for a murder or just like a plant like drugs or whatever yeah and that's what i would say about him that he looked like he you know planted a knife on a puerto rican that he shouldn't have shot and they let him walk the quote the blue coat of silence and then he became a therapist oh it's a decoy yeah yeah no there is a great like somebody pitches to me like did you see the weird al movie that Roku did? Oh, it's fantastic.
Oh, it's amazing. So that with, like, Dr.
Phil. So showing, like, young Phil being in a class in a suit, peer-mediating between, like, kids, right? Oh, yeah.
You know, but a young kid, like, getting to see a five-year-old being like, what you guys got to do is start sharing your vegetables at the lunch, like, whatever it is, and then seeing him. I mean, dude, dude, that scene with like Tom Lennon.
Just go the other way with it. Have him be this fucking guy like robbing liquor stores and then realizing that this is not the way.
I need to learn how to get along with people because then he's sort of Dr. Phil the whole fucking time.
We're creating it right now. I think so, okay.
In real time. Let's pitch it.
I would have him. You got a production company.
There has to be a moment in his life in his origin story where he first notices he's starting to lose his hair and he's devastated as a bald man what's that like this might be you can't believe it you're just going like oh my god i'm one of those guys wow and then one day you embrace it and you shave your head and then you get to play in all the movies what you really are which is I'm a fucking asshole and up until then when I had the hair I couldn't get arrested as an asshole but I could be oh shit oh okie dokie and it's just not who I was you did that well you did that well no but they had they had enough of those guys I was in the redhead drawer see there of these races, sexuality, and all that shit where they talk about Hollywood. They stop with their shit going like, you know, as a gay man, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
They go like that. But they don't understand that even like white people, like, dude, you back in the 90s with those glasses, if that was your fucking headshot, you're the smart guy.
You could be a scientist. You could be a guy.
I'm behind the computer. White lab coat.
Yeah. White lab coat.
I'm in the redhead drawer, which is I'm the guy getting bullied. I'm the one going, okay, Fonz.
Like, that was that. And then if you had, like, the jet black hair with the square jaw, you got the girl and you got the gun.
That was just, that was it. That was how it fucking worked.
There was no straying from that. That's how it worked.
That's how it worked. But then people started writing their own shit.
Like, what's the guy's name there from The Fast and the Furious? How he got discovered. Vin Diesel.
Yeah, he got discovered. He wrote a short.
And I guess Spielberg saw him and then put him in Saving Private Ryan. Spielberg discovered Vin Diesel? Can we get a Google on this? Okay, yeah.
He saw him in a short, I think, as I remember, and then he put him in. It's so funny because he put him in Saving Private Ryan, and there was nobody like him in the way he looked, the way he sounded and everything everything.
And he was so fucking great in that movie. Yeah.
We're not talking about Barry Pepper. Wasn't he also in...
Barry Pepper was in The Sniper. Yeah.
We're going to go through the whole thing. Matt Damon, they found him.
Tom Hanks. So good.
Tom Hanks. I'm watching the Coen Brother movie he did Lady Killers.
So good. Yes.
It's an underrated Hanks movie. 100%.
He's just done too much shit that it just, they can't all be, I don't know, critically acclaimed. No, and I also feel like he really went for it.
Yes. That weird laugh that he does.
Yes. Yeah, I was kind of like, no, because people told me, you know, it's a Coen brother movie.
They're all great. This one isn't their best one.
So I was like, all was like all right so i had like no expectations and i was just sitting there i'm like an hour in still waiting for it to be not that good i'm like i'm fucking enjoying the shit out of this yeah why wouldn't you yeah also hanks like it's one of the few times he did you know i think he played walt disney in the banks movie and then gump but like that's his that's to me his like where he you know yeah tried a character and really like jumped into something different. Catch me if you can.
He tried something, too. He tried to do a little bit of the Boston accent.
I'm forgiven of that. How do you feel when people try to put on the Boston accent? I don't have a problem with it.
Because what it is, the thing about it is if you're not from somewhere, you have to do it 100%. You have to do it better than the people that do it for people to actually give it up.
Because I remember going to Fargo, North Dakota, they were like, you know, we don't talk like that. They didn't say it like that, but it's kind of like, all right, but don't you kind of? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Aren't you kind of like fucking, it's just, look, it wasn't that flattering. What's the Seattle accent when you were up there for your special and you spent, that was probably the most time you spent there, right? There's not a Seattle accent.
There's not a seattle accent but i want to see if you picked up from your observations um because people always say to me they're like you don't have an accent or what like or they go seattle is like a legit city where it's like you have the hipster transitioning area capitol hill yeah then you have down near the wharf you have your tourist that's your sort Square. Yeah.
So around there you have your junkies where it's shady. You get scared.
And then I haven't found it. Oh, yeah.
And then you have like your Malibu where Bill Gates and the fucking- Mercer Island, Bellevue, yeah. The Zillow guy lives, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then, yeah. Russell Wilson had a house over there.
Yeah. And then you got some cool college sports.
I love Seattle. You do? I love Seattle.
And don't ever lump Seattle in with Portland, Oregon. Thank you.
Fuck. If there's anything you take from this podcast, it's that.
I get very, and then I have to go, Portland's great, but it's just like, they're so fucking different. Yeah.
It's like, yeah. Portland is very easy to just think it's a giant silver lake like back in the day silver like hipster thing but like it is that it isn't that either it's not all food trucks no and people saying these are my pronouns that's just like you know you know it's funny with all my all my east coast friends when they talk about la especially new yorkers it's the funniest shit ever like oh you're doing yoga with your green juice and all it's like yep yep that's what we're doing we're doing this even though they do that in hawaii but that's your idea of anything with a palm tree yeah they don't know anything i always tell them i go dude go to burbank you'll see more trump signs oh yeah and you'll just gun stores there and all right on the other side of that hollywood sign is people that you fucking vibe with.
And they don't even, you know, I don't know. Like it's every city's got pockets that I don't think any place is completely, you know, leveled out the same.
I lived in New York for 12 years. I never once did I hear somebody go, oh, I'm walking here.
Well, you got to get out more. They're everywhere.
No, they're not. You never had somebody give a fuck you crossing a shoulder bump.
I know, but it wasn't the stereotype. What I saw was, you know, it's, I don't know.
We have such like a sports back and forth with them that it's hard for me to be objective yeah because but i i kind of like when i look at um boston new york and philly it's all this it's the same kind of meathead but different right it's definitely it's but it's like you you can it's almost like um when they try to like come who came up with pizza who came up with this gumbo or whatever it's like, some people claim it came from here. Other people came, and it's basically people from all those areas moved far enough apart and just kept messing with it.
But that is, I feel, Philly up to Boston is, you know, you have the bread basket? Yes. Okay, this is the meathead corridor.
Yeah. And I'm one of them.
Like, it is some of the dumbest, funniest, and most knowledgeable in sports. Meatheads have contributed a lot to this country.
Oh, dude, reality shows? I mean, you're welcome. Boston people kill it on reality shows.
New York people kill it. Most athletes are meatheads, right? I think the Philly meathead is a little underrated because I feel like they reduce them to just the idiots that go to their sporting events.
And I feel like they're like a parody themselves at this point. 1,000%.
It's just like, oh, I'm from Philly. There's a camera on.
I got to say some wild shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it's actually when you go there, there's a toughness to that city. it's not that jackass vibe that they put out there like i i just puked on a midget go eagles you know whatever they do you know um my first taste of new york before i even went there was from a giraldo bit where he was i think it was from his first album where he goes uh um i was on the subway in new york and i heard a guy scream across the tracks yo monica yo monica got AIDS, yo.
And he goes, wow, that's how they tell you? Do you remember that? It was like, he's like, well, our healthcare system is so fucked. I guess.
But like I heard that and I hadn't, I think I'd maybe been to New York for like a day, but I hadn't taken the subway, hadn't done anything like that. So that I was going into it being like, like you said, I can't wait to see the aggressiveness on the sidewalks or the forget about it.
I have seen people get hit by cabs on delivery bikes, and that's wild. Oh, no, the bikes are brutal.
I mean, that is like, this is pre-e-bike and Uber, and just, I was in a cab once. Dude, nobody got hit by a guy on a bike the entire time before those e-bikes.
I know. And now.
Yeah, they're going faster than bikes should go it's it's going motorcycle fast yeah yeah that is that's a speed you that's like from space balls ludicrous speed they just turn it up a notch and it's too fast you're you're a you're a you're a bike car at that point uh so you kind of you know what you signed up for but we were in this cab and we hit a delivery guy and uh and the delivery guy immediately, like the guy at least wasn't an asshole or a cab driver, and pulled over. And the delivery guy just started pounding, took the food that he had, started throwing it at the car.
I stayed in and was like, do you need any help? But he got out and they just started screaming, thought they were going to throw down. I just would have been like, do you think I did that on purpose? Yeah, totally.
You're on're on a bicycle you know it's funny the amount of people that wouldn't ride a motorcycle but would ride a scooter in a second hilarious yeah like anytime you tell somebody you ride a motorcycle like that's fucking dangerous dude oh a scooter is way more dangerous do you know how many there's way more powered motorcycle you you cannot get out of the way i would love to see the stat on how many more people have died on a bird scooter than a motorcycle. I've heard about so many more.
There's something about it where I do feel on some level you are more protective by the universe when you're just on one of those. Just going down the street.
There's something about making that noise on a motorcycle that you sort of wake up the demons and they come at you. I have idea but like i see people riding bicycles and like you know back to traffic and i and i just sit there going like some of the shit they do is like i wouldn't do that on a motorcycle i would be fucking terrified would you ever be caught dead on a bird scooter when your kids get to the age where they're like dad i mean there's going to be a whole new layer of things you get to do right i'm sure you look at it like that i that.
I get to do a bird scooter with my kids. Or is it going to be like, I got a new 10 minutes.
I would do bird scooter along the beach. When we did Old Dads, me and Bobby Cannavale got to ride those things, but there was no cars on the street, so it was a great time.
But if I ever had to ride one of those, I just imagine having to be near the curb because there's somebody coming by, and then there's some fucking pothole a couple inches deep. Yeah, that's a wrap.
Yeah. I'm going over these handlebars.
Am I going underneath whatever vehicle this is? Yeah. And this is what your special is about, as Dr.
Phil. You're going to be talking about, yeah.
Well, birds, first of all, everybody thinks birds are fake, okay? There's that conspiracy that birds are robots, tracking our poops and watching who we vote for, what we eat. But bird scooters are, yeah, more dangerous motorcycle.
But, Bill, I've always said if you don't step out of your comfort zone, you're never going to allow yourself to get back into reality. And what I mean by that is, look, you can shave your pubes on Christmas, but the kids are still going to be waiting for presents.
Do you understand what I'm saying? No, we don't know what you're saying, Phil. Every Phil metaphor, it's basically insert.
There's a tonal like, this sounds like actually sound advice, and you're not totally totally wrong i think that's where i end up in my head when he lets the hollywood stereotype of the wise old southern man with the sayings i didn't come 90 of the way to get 10 of the information that's a real one that's a real one and in my head that was like that adds up to 100 so the math it's like no yeah well once you come 100 of the way show me you're fucking committed and I'll tell you the whole thing. Yeah dude.
Oh my god. Did you watch him prior to like when you first did the first show.
I couldn't watch his show because he was so he knew where his bread was buttered. Look at you.
Yeah. If you know where your bread's buttered there's no reason to pick up the knife.? No, it was just like any guy that was on the show.
It was just like, you need to listen to her more than all the women would like fucking clap. It's the exact reason why I've never gone to couples therapy.
Yeah. It's like that's a no-win situation.
Either I'm going to have two people yelling at me or worse, they're going to take my side and then I'm going to have to listen to you bitching about the fucking therapist that they're on my side. Look, you can put your Pop-Tart in the freezer and reject the idea of a toaster but then you might as well kill your wife in her sleep because that's what a serial killer would do.
We'll be right back. There's just and a commercial cutaway the power of a commercial cutaway is what sucked me into that show in the beginning it was covid when my when my wife and i were just sitting around i don't know what your covid shows were or what you're like you know once you realize weed and ice cream sandwiches i gained like fucking 25 pounds you did edible so you weren't smoking right no i was smoking i think i did i'm a three puff guy yeah we i can't i don't i took a few hits with you at the mothership uh green room and that was a blast you know what was a blast about that is that uh rogan was you know uh even when he's you know baked because you were like i don't smoke a lot or whatever so we're hanging out and you got real giggly high i just remember that and i was like oh this is this is a great version of bill burke oh yeah you should have seen me when i was drinking i was a happy drunk were you i was i was not i wasn't i was not surly well because it shut the demons off yeah yeah it's like when i'm when i'm sitting here like you know like i'm miserable right now i'm kidding um well you know look in the mirror because i'll wake up some days and i go all right well i was fucked up last night maybe i'm gonna sit down to pee today because it's more comfortable also i got a bidet and the feeling it's gay to to not do a bidet and that's not their slogan but it's a suggestion to men out there who think just because a little water goes in your asshole that you're imagining it's a cock.
Hold that thought, Bill. We'll be right back.
That's my favorite part of the show. You say that crazy shit and you shut me down, you know? Wait, wait.
A lot of people don't like this mustache, but there's about $800 worth of Coke left in there. We'll be right back.
They're choosing not to see what they don't understand. Is that coke on a mustache is kind of like you know when uh you're on an airplane and you forget your laptop and the little uh sleeve and you ask the guy at the desk can i go back and get it and he goes we're gonna have to wait there's a fat guy who who is uh it's still exiting the plane and he's in a wheelchair and you go you know what keep the laptop but let the fat guy know that he needs to lose some weight so that way it's a double whammy can i tell you something that fucking shit where you get you start to get off the plane like oh fuck my jack whatever the fuck you left it you can't you can't you can't you just saw me get off the fucking plane you just fucking saw me what what is going on down there oh we got it we got it this is a whole fucking procedure yeah well they think it's it's's the idea of somebody rushing back on that's almost like...
I'm flying from fucking Denver to Kansas City. Here's my ticket that you just...
There's no terrorist here. This is a bunch of sunburned white people getting ready to go whitewater rafting.
Can I just go back on and get my fucking iPad? You know what I hate? TSA is getting real handsy. They went through.
I brought a, and I don't know how you feel about this,

a burrito on the plane.

I didn't want to roll the dice.

You already don't like that.

You don't like that.

It didn't smell.

It was a bag.

Did you have peppers on it or no?

No.

Just a regular chicken rice bean burrito.

Nothing.

Are you flying coach or first?

First.

Nobody in first is judging.

Okay, no.

Well, it's a little sloppy. To bring a burrito to first? A burrito? I was raised by a single mom.
You want to bring that up? You were raised by a single mom? A dad would have told me not to do that. When was the last time you saw your dad? Hold that thought.
We'll be right back. Hey, look who it is, everybody.
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All right. Oh, look who it is, everybody.
Harley Davidson. Harley Davidson.
I have the 2024 Road Glide, and I absolutely love it. Thank you to our sponsor, our Harley Davidson.

I unfortunately have been in writer's room for the last four weeks.

And the second I am done this Friday,

I am getting on that goddamn bike and I'm going to ride it.

Cause I don't,

I can't,

there's no way to describe the feeling.

And if you are an American,

at some point in your life,

you got to get on a Harley and you got to ride it.

And I don't know,

up in the hills, up in the mountains, down the street, past your ex-wife's house. You got to fucking do it.
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Visit harleydavidson.com. I want to take this class to sign up for the Harley-Davidson Riding Academy website website which allows you to learn how to ride a motorcycle and get your license that's harley davidson dot com slash burr yeah if there's anybody out there that teaches an intermediate class because i don't want to be sitting there where people are learning how to just no get the fucking thing going you know waste my goddamn time all right about a week ago he just had a stroke but he's doing.
He actually called me crying because he got up and walked 230 feet without his walker.

Big deal.

And I go, yeah, big deal.

Plus, you got a good relationship with him.

Yeah.

I mean, we can get into this off air.

Yeah, great now.

Yeah.

All right.

No, no, no.

You know what?

Yes.

Long and short of it.

Split when I was nine.

Mom crushed it.

She's my hero.

She's the goat.

I'm sorry I did that. Why? I don't know how people do that to me.
Why? it. She's my hero.
She's the goat. I'm sorry I did that.
Why? I hate when people do that to me. Why? I love that you took an interest in that.
We can get into this off air. No, I heard you say it.
You don't have to talk about this. You don't have to talk about this.
We'll be right back. You don't have to.
I hate when people like. But you ask genuinely, so I appreciate that.
And yes, I do, long and short of it. Long and short of it.
No, it was a fucking rude question. Why? Well, you know, the other day I was watching.
Friends should be able to ask that type of shit. And you, like, look.
We're on a podcast. So? No.
Dude, I was watching. I was waiting for the football to come on.
And I saw Meet the Press. I'm like, this fucking show is still on.
Like, nothing. It used to be so boring to me.
But I love i love david brinkley but it gave me like a stomach ache i i so didn't know what anybody was talking about so there was this woman on there and she was talking about her son who's a journalist who went missing it's her son right so the lady's like interviewing her and i don't know how she's holding it together because i would have been a this woman was so strong oh yeah austin, yeah. Austin something or other was the guy's name that they're looking for.
And God, I hope they find him, right? So she's sitting there interviewing her. And at one point she goes to her, you know, at one point, you know, there was some guy that was found.
And for a second they thought it was Austin, but it wasn't. What was that like? What the fuck? And it it was just like I just felt like those fucking journals they don't give a shit and it's just like alright you haven't cried yet crying is the money shot so it's just like alright that didn't happen I saw one one time it's all hypothetical the worst possible scenario even if Austin comes back they're going to be like what do they do to like, I mean, I'm back now.
I just, they're open it with like, what was the first thing you did? He goes, I went to Denny's, man. I forgot what a Grand Slam tasted like.
What was that first bite like? That, that, that's unbelievable. Unbelievable.
Can you describe? Did it, was it, was it? Well, it was, it was scrambled. I wanted, I asked for over easy, that's besides the point, but you know that's I think she was new but so I took a bite and I just I put my my hash brown and toast between I made like a little egg sandwich I know you're not supposed to do that with the grand slam it's kind of laid out for you do you find you appreciate simple things like that even if they didn't butter the toast like they said they were going to did what just the freedom of that yeah I don't know I mean I just I hadn't had toast in a while here's a question i've actually heard like when the reporter finally got frustrated the person the dude literally said does it make you cry just give yeah they just want the emotion does it make does it make he he was out of ways to try and make like i forget what happened i think this woman had lost her kid or something some fucking horrible thing had happened and do you think about it try and make, like, I forget what happened.
I think this woman had lost her kid or something. Some fucking horrible thing had happened.
And do you think about it sometimes? And she was like, yes. All the time.
Does it blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? Does it da, da, da, da, da? And she was just answering the fucking questions and then he followed up with, does it make you cry? Wow. Do you think they have somebody in their ears being like, get the tears, get the tears? Yes, on all of those fucking channels, they don't care.
CNN and Fox News do not give a fuck about anything but viewership. They couldn't.
They couldn't. They don't.
They don't. They just, they're not talking about what's happening.
Could you cry on cue? Are you that good of an actor now? I know what I have to do. Cool.
Did you ever think you'd get there? But I wouldn't say I can do it because if I said I could do it then I would be thinking about doing it

and then it doesn't happen

you know what I used

that makes sense

I used to have

when I got to

I went to SC out here for acting school

and a kid in my class was like

you know

it's just a cool

the first kid I saw

that really smoked cigarettes in college

that was real cool about it

and he would smoke

and he'd always say shit

the kid had done a few TV movies

and he lived in LA

so he was kind of the guy

that was like

you're from Seattle huh Thank you. was real cool about it and he would smoke and he'd always say shit the kid had done a few tv movies

and he lived in la so he was kind of the guy that was like you're from seattle huh they got a good

theater program up there this is where the business is though in college freshman year i'm not gonna

say his name but you know who you are and uh and he would always say like i just remember this

sophomore year he's like you're not a cry on cue yet and i was like huh i was like i mean i don't

know we're doing this no coward play i want to get through that figure out what high comedy is maybe take that fencing class I have a scene study class with Jason Alexander coming up and then we'll see and then he was just like you gotta learn how to cry baby you gotta go deep and then he was like find a song and he told me that Can You Feel the Love Tonight by Elton John always makes him cry from The Lion King. And so, by the way, while smoking a cigarette with a leather jacket at the DRC at USC outside.
What about that song would make you cry? There's a calm surrender through the rush of day In the heat of the rolling bay Does it make you cry? Can you cry on cue tonight? I mean, El John's got some melancholy timbre to his face. All right, but there was a song that I listened to when I had to cry at Old Dad's.
There was a song that I listened to. So it was just a song that my daughter loved when she was a little girl.
So I just listened to that. Holy shit.
Right away. Can you say the song or will that even get you going? I don't know what the name of the song is.
It's one of those fucking- It's one of the kid bops. Now that's what i call music 25 they have a kid version of that 25 months um i don't i forget what it is but also that's something i want to keep for myself yeah i love that um but yeah that's that's what i use there but that is cool like no but then there's other ones there's other ones you know but had, you know, you had like the moment before and you just, you're that guy.
And then like the thing, a lot of it is the words. If it's written right, yeah, it's just what you're saying.
We'll get you there. But like the thing is you don't go in going, I'm going to do this.
No. And then when it starts to happen, you try to stop it from happening because that's what the fuck you would do you wouldn't

yeah like as a man

there's only like when your mom dies

is one of the few times you're allowed to just completely

break down right

but like anything else

as a guy you're supposed to be like

you know if you start like whatever

guys are going to be like hey man sorry about that

but in the head they're like pussy

you know what I mean

I think you used to have a great bit about that

on one of your specials no i can't i don't remember what the fuck i said is that wild do you have so is it how often does that happen by the way where even a fan or even just like a homie will go do you remember when you just bit and you go no and if they tell it to you by the way nobody ever recites a bit back to anybody i just had this happen with friends up in Seattle for Thanksgiving. They go, dude, I just saw this video where you were this guy, and it was like, he said this thing, and you were like, oh, yeah? Well, fuck you.
You fucking, so funny, dude. I go, I did not do that, but I don't even know what you're referring to.
But it was some interaction where he goes, dude, the guy said something, and you were like, no, no, no. You were like, oh, is that, do you think that's what it is? You fucking idiot.
You got good, man. And I was like, that's not what happened.
And so how often does that happen? When people would try to throw the bit back. And do they ever get it right? It used to happen like at the end of the shows.
Like they would be, they would say, oh my God, I love this bit that you just did. And I would be like, and they would say the bit.
be like, no, that was the other guy. They're like, no, no, that was you.
So that was with a funny thing during that, that weird period during Me Too, where it went from, uh, we need to get rapists and people that are sexually salting out of the business to, I don't like what you're talking about in your standup act. Like, remember that? Yes, dude.
So, but does anyone ever thought it? So I would sit there going like, why would you listen to to these people from the crowd it's like not only they never remember what you say they can't say it the right way and half the time they didn't even remember who said it right yeah and then also it's like every time you do a fucking show you know it's like there's gonna be people that don't like you I see every time I go on stage I look in the crowd and I see the person that was brought to my show that didn't want to go and is is going like yeah i didn't want to go to this i don't like this guy wow every fucking time lock in on them and try to use them as a gauge for the night to turn them or no no it fucking makes me laugh yeah and i have empathy for him i love that and at one point like you know if it's a woman i usually if i you know if i have the it feels right. I'll say like, listen, man, I know this wasn't your idea to come here.
I'm sorry. You have not enjoyed one second of this.
I understand it. And just please don't be mad at him on the way home.
This was me or whatever. And then if they're cool, they'll actually fucking laugh.
And then sometimes I've done that and then they're like, oh, no, no, I then they just might be like that internal yeah sort of person they might want to do comedy so there's fucking sort of they're watching it on a different level yeah but i um you know obviously you know this or you know my favorite one is when the person is pretending like they're sleeping if they're not drunk it's like you're not going to fall asleep with some guy screaming into a microphone this is clearly you're like it's beyond you don't like me it's like you need me to know that i don't like you yeah so what i used to do with those people um if they were down near the stage was i've talked about this i would send my act right out over their head and i would start overly committing to stuff and just acting like a fucking idiot and then I would start laughing at my own shit which would annoy them even more and then then that was how I was able to turn around because I did have that thing early in my career where if somebody didn't like me you know I would be going to bed tonight ignoring all the laughter I heard and just think of that one person and it was a big turn for me yeah to be like all right I can have fun I can have fun with this person I I get to decide whether or not you suck the fucking life force out of me because you can let one person ruin it for everybody else that was having a good time so I saw you do that at the uh poppy roast that you were mentioning where you went on last and it was like, you know, it was a shit show at that point.

But you I remember like you the first few jokes were, I think, about the crowd and maybe even like Boston.

And I was just like, oh, he's digging himself a hole actively.

And then you got a fucking standing over at the end.

And it was I've never seen anything.

That wasn't my that wasn't my intention okay it's never my intention to do that but you saw this room of like whoa he's coming at us and then but half half of the people loved it and then they just they met in the middle like two minutes in as far as like all right this is what he's saying about us is right and funny and we were just you you know but i don't even remember i just remember uh you were shitting on the event and something else going after lenny was fun lenny clark and then david ortiz was a great sport oh he was a great sport he was also on i think yeah david what's it like to play because he was a dh yeah i go it's like to be a professional baseball player well man it's great it's like it's like waiting for a bus and then i go uh once an hour you get up and you ground into a uh an inning ending double play something like that oh yeah dude um that was great that was funny what's his face was fucking uh dustin pedroia was hilarious unbelievable he came up there you know you saw how he made it he came up and like fuck all you comedians he goes at least i wrote my own shit yeah and i was like oh fuck dust is going off oh yeah and then uh oh i remember the problem was it was it was it was not done the security was not done well so there was people in the front row filming and i remember when gronk went up i was just like they're gonna clip that and that's gonna look terrible and they did and the next day they clipped that and it looked terrible gronk goes after jews blacks and Domin up. I was just like, they're going to clip that, and that's going to look terrible.
And they did. And the next day, they clipped that, and it looked terrible.
Gronk goes after Jews, blacks, and Dominicans. And I was like, everybody did.
That's who was representing that dais. It was supposed to be on Showtime and Nessun.
Pedroia came up to me after, too, and was like, because he was sitting next to Josh Wolfe, who was dressed as the 80-year-old Yankee fan. And I had about six in a row to Dustin.
I think one was like, you know, Dustin Pedroia obviously plays second base, but we all know his most natural position is dancing next to a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. And then Dustin looks like a guy whose kids calls him by his first name.
All right, boys, time for bed. Fuck you, Dustin.
And he said to Josh Wolf, he goes, who is this old fuck? Like, why is this guy going in on me so hard? And Josh goes, that guy's 33. And he was and he was like wait what and so then he came up to me after and I didn't know they had that conversation he came up to me and goes he goes hey man he was hey old man he goes not a fan and like with a straight like actor face and I go oh dude I'm so sorry I'm a comedian he goes I know I'm fucking with you and I was like oh shit yeah no he can kind of turn it oh yeah because I was saying when he turned he said write my own fucking shit I was like I think he's really mad I think he's heard enough of the short jokes.
Yeah, yeah, he can kind of turn Oh, yeah Because I was saying When he turned around He said, write my own fucking shit I was like, I think he's really mad I don't think

I think he's heard enough

Of the short jokes

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Who else was on that thing?

Oh, Anthony Mackie

Anthony

The Falcon

Yeah, Anthony Mackie

Oh, yeah

Oh, that's right

Dude, that was a fucking fun

You know what's so great about that? Met Tim Wakefield that night I mean, there were a bunch bunch of Red Sox. Yeah, rest his soul.
Yeah, rest in peace, man. You know what's great is that it wasn't televised, and that's one of those things that there's so, like, it just happens so rare now.
Every fucking thing is, it's like, can just one cool thing happen and you had to be there? I know. That was the thing.
That was the fucking hanging out it was just like yeah because you didn't want you didn't want to miss anything that's why you know that's like the old richard pryor bit be home by 11 it's just like everything happened after 11 and he goes i would keep fucking hanging because i don't want to miss anything wow yeah and it was just like uh you know david tell had a bit you should have Hung out, man. You know? But it was so, it was so true.

Yeah.

There was that weird thing, but hanging was an art because if you went home too early, you missed it. But if you stayed too long, it was sad.
Yeah, there's a sweet spot. And I think we're constantly finessing that as people.
You know, I'm constantly finding myself overstaying my welcome.

You see me tripping the sand last week?

It's Joe Biden.

Oh, God.

That fucking guy.

Am I overstaying my welcome?

Should I have gone?

Should I have closed up shop?

Wow.

That is amazing.

Pretty good?

Yeah.

You know what would be fucking amazing? What's that? What if he runs in four years and then he wins again? What do you mean what if? 2048, Bill. I got a big election coming up.
2026. I'm going to run.
It's going to be me and Gavin Newsom and Kevin Costner. Yellowstone.
Big fan of Yellowstone. It's fucking, dude, it is fucking Looney T i'm just like i think i've been under the covers since about 2018 i'm just like all right i i can't it's embarrassing yeah it's just been fucking embarrassing let me ask you this to piggyback on what we were just talking about do you have f do you, like, when we were all kicking it after your special for a bit in the green room, I was like, oh, cool, this is like, you just got done doing it.
And I'm like, I think you're still obviously, you know, the comic in you is just wanting to decompress and kick it, right? And like, not just get up and go home. But I was like, oh, this will be where it ends.
But at least you wanted to like shoot the for a bit, which I thought was cool. But do you have, like, if the crew was all, and I guess then you did pickups and stuff, but if everybody was there and, or I don't know, let's say Eddie Vedder came to the fucking show and then was like, we're going here.
And you're like, my family's here. I can't go.
Would you be here? He was like, I'm going to do a private show at the show box down the street. And you were like, fuck.
You know, I told, we're getting up early. No, I would be like, Eddie, man, dude, you got to understand.
You killed all of my bands. Well, I didn't do it on purpose.
We were the next thing coming up. That's one of the reasons why I did it there.
Not only did I love Seattle, but everybody talks about Nirvana. But I can say when Eddie Vedder climbed up that fucking thing on the side.
Oh, then dropped down in that's when I was going like oh this shit isn't going away oh yeah and then next thing I know Motley Crue was just not on that channel anymore so um that was like my first like I would say midlife crisis where I was like fuck I'm not young anymore because they came I was 23. 23 is like the first year I think life starts to get.
22, you graduate college if you're supposed to, right? And then 23 is like, oh, this is just going to keep happening. So when I got to be 23.
What is? Life. This is going to keep going and I'm going to get old.
Oh, wow. Where it's like, like 22 is maybe the last birthday that as a young person, you can look forward to sort of like, Oh, I'll be a college.
It's like, all right. Oh my God.
You know, turn 13. I'll be a teenager.
You know what I mean? I can start dating chicks. This is going to be fun, right? I'll get a car.
16. I get a license.
18. I'm a fucking adult.
You know, I go to i go to college at 21 i get to drink 22 i graduate and then it's just 23 is like well wait a minute this is going to keep going and 23 i felt was the first year adults were no longer interested in my peer group it's like you guys are old now like they were like, what are 14-year-olds listening to? What are they buying?

And all of that stuff. We want to get them

because their parents

are going to have to buy them this shit

for Christmas. And you're 23

and now you've got to jump into the river of

employment. You don't have any fucking money to buy

any shit, right? And so then

anyway, them coming out

and him, whatever that song

was, that Even Flow? Yes. Yeah.
Even Flow. That fucking shit, right? Will you sing that at my son's bar mitzvah? Huh? 100%.
If I can write my own lyrics. Have you seen that wrestler? His name's Steven Flow.
And he comes in, they just go, Steven Flow. No.
I just saw this thing. Steve, Steven, Stephen Flo.
Something like that. See, that's a part of wrestling that is really, that's awesome.
One of the best wrestling things I ever went to was I went to one of those Lucha Vavoom shows. What's that? It's like the Mexican-style wrestling with the masks and all of that shit.
With all of this, like, I don't know what was going on. I just remember Dana Gould was one of the people announcing, and he was fucking hilarious.
And I went there with my wife, and this guy came walking out, like, good-looking guy, great body, you know, just looking like a wrestler, shredded. And he came walking out like he was God's gift to women, and he came out to the Pina Colada song.
And dude, he was peacocking around. If you like Pina Coladas.
It worked, huh? It was fucking hilarious. That's awesome.
And then he came in and he stood on the bottom rope and he was just fucking like letting us all get a look at him. Yeah.
Like he was God's gift with that fucking song. It was like a comedy education thing.
It's like, this guy has not said a fucking word. Yeah.
They're playing this song. He's dressed that way.
And his vibe is like, this is killing harder than any joke I've ever written. It was fucking amazing.
Me and my wife were fucking. You were loving it.
Dude, he came walking out and he was immediately arrogant. It just goes, dun, dun, you go wait a minute what fucking song that song does have a an unexpected confidence to it though too it does just feel like it's an entrance song so it does kind of the fact that they were both gonna cheat on each other yeah i was just talking to somebody who just let me know he goes dude i actually played drums on that there was double drums on it in the song yeah like his studio musician he goes i play i play drums on that wow he goes a lot of people don't know that so i'm not gonna say it's because i don't know i never know how that works if that's a good credit is it dean del rey no but he has a great gig now so he's good okay he's always had great gigs but like uh you listen to those lyrics like we were laughing going like they're both like they were both like putting out an ad like they're trying to meet people on the side and then the ad that they answered was theirs and then they realized that they should be together but then like the trust is just gone wow and we were laughing at the 70s it was a different time it's a different time you could get away with that shit there's so many of those first of all that i would love to see at any wrestling match instead of acdc yeah if somebody's coming out instead of like you know back in black to just you know it's been one weeks and you look at me a little bare naked ladies you go all right these guys gonna have a good time i just went to smackdown in utah i was at wise guys and they were doing smackdown at the delta center and uh got some ticks and they put us right behind the thing and put us on the thing and promoted the Dr.
Phil Netflix special.

And they were like, do a – they were like, you know, put you on something.

And I asked the guy, I go, do we do anything like – you know, I think, you know,

he's like, have you seen Madagascar?

I go, yeah.

He goes, just wave and smile.

And I don't remember that from it, but I guess that's a part of it.

And then – so my buddy was next to me, and they put me on screen.

And I, like, am doing this.

And then I was like, give me, like, an elbow behind me. So he elbowed me in the back, and then I went down, and then I started, buddy's next to me and they put me on screen and i like am doing this and then i was like give me like an elbow behind me so he elbowed me in the back and then i went down and then i started like fake strangling him but the kids at these things are people nuts to love that they loved it yeah people were nuts and my buddy who who uh got us tickets was like thank you for not fucking you know just like thanks for bringing the entertainment every time they put celebs on you know they're always just fucking you know doing this he's like but you actually fucking made a meal of it.
That was great. But the kids were like- You know what I think is funny is when they show, when actors are like ringside at a fight.
Oh, yeah. They always got to be like- It's like, what are you doing? What are you doing? You're not up there.
Yeah. If you're at a football game, they put it on you, do you go? There will never, I think no one will ever be comfy.
You ever see kids when they cut to them on a dance cam at a baseball game? Fucking, they don't know what to do. It's one of my favorite things to see because it's, I remember being that kid where they cut to you.
You don't know how to dance as a kid. You don't even have enough enough wherewithal to just go just do a fucking safe robot or do a fucking puppet whatever or just like do this or hold up a sign saying they poisoned our food supply if you don't want to be on camera oh my god just like I want somebody to do that like in those stupid things where everybody's holding up the sign of the friend they lost from cancer right thank you monsanto underneath it but why is that that way they did it i know they did do it and for some reason it's dark and it's funny and it's real and that's why yeah you can't talk about maybe you know back in the day there wasn't talking about it yeah there wasn't a zillion people dying of cancer why the fuck you think that is we got plastic in our fucking brains and you can't, oh, the CEO got shot.
Wait, what kind of world do we live in? Like, you don't have empathy for that. It's like, where is the empathy on their side? There isn't any.
No. There isn't any.
No. But they're going to successfully divide us because they've now called that kid a woke capitalist.
So they're, oh, whoa, this fucking Hollywood liberal shit?

And then you got that.

And then CNN is just like, oh, my God, he had a wife and a family.

It's like, we know that.

We know that.

We're not excited about that.

We're not excited about any of that.

But like, if you want to, we're going to feel bad for somebody who denied.

I need dialysis.

Denied.

Yeah, wild.

Wild, yeah.

Did you see that lady confessing to this shit going like, you know, I wrote denied and

the guy died. Oh, yeah.
And one of the questions I had to to ask is do you think he's going to be alive in five years oh my god which and all that that means is like can we keep making money off of this guy or is he fucking sliding down the backside god he got promoted you know you got you got the uh you got what it takes i look at your eyes and i nothing. I don't see empathy.
I don't even see a person in there. Have you seen Oppenheimer? Oh, that's one of the great comedies of last year.
That's my deterrent on the Phil show when somebody goes, we did that when you were on the show, when you went on a long rant about the Catholic Church and Hitler, and then I was like, have you seen Oppenheimer? How do feel about i did see oppenheimer it was did you enjoy it oh i love i just the first three hour movie i've gotten just used the word scope yeah the scope of it yeah no it's just one of those things where i i just look at that i like to think i'm in show business and i just look at that going like how the fuck am I in the same business as whoever the fuck made this? Oh, totally. Yeah, but I like that part.
Bob and I and Old Dads came out in the same year. That's wild.
Yeah. Right? I know.
That's wild, dude. Hey, that is a big spectrum.
That those are both- Somebody watch those in the same weekend. Those are both considered movies.
No, Old Dads is a good for what it is. It's great, dude.
You nailed it. Oh, we had a good time on that.
Well, you know what? Me and my buddy Ben Tisler just finished writing our next one, and I am really, really, because, you know, obviously that was my first one, so I learned a ton on that one. You told me that.
Yeah, and I just like. So now this one, you're just like guns of blitz.
You're ready to go, and you're fired up for it. Well, what it is is it's more was the writing was way more efficient because we kind of knew we would be like we'd start to write something and be like dude that's a whole new location do i want to fucking oh that's going to cost too much because you could almost anticipate the studio notes before you even fucking that's helpful yeah so then we were able to keep it like stream like like dude this is how much i've been writing lately.
Last night, my daughter was watching Home Alone.

Awesome.

How old is she?

Seven.

Great age for that.

Oh, yeah.

Totally great age.

Loving it?

And Macaulay Culkin fucking killed it.

He's unbelievable.

He killed it.

And how about Joe Pesci?

What I love about the movie, he's going to curse.

He's going to curse.

He did.

And then his physical is so underrated.

Like, he is as good as that as he has.

Thank you.

Like Home Alone and Goodfellas came out within like a fucking two-year period.

Yeah.

Unbelievable.

And Daniel Stern.

Daniel Stern is wild.

I miss that guy.

Me too.

And I said I miss that guy, and then I went on Instagram.

Within two videos, Daniel Stern comes up because it's listening to you.

Oh, yeah.

Dude, I was randomly talking about Celine Dion and how she's dealing with stiff person syndrome, and it was like, do you want to buy Celine Dion Best of Brazil on Facebook like a minute later? And I was like, I mean, yes. You know, I was talking about the other day how angelically white was her husband's hair.
It was fucking... Not Stedman.
Leonard or something? He looked looked like uh dude it was like he was he was fucking totally bald but you still were going look at the guy's hair yeah like it was a it was a fucking angelic yeah like not of the earth white yeah like i feel like it went white but then he dyed it like tiger white.

You're not wrong.

He looked like an exotic species of way too old to marry that chick.

Yeah.

Well, he was like our manager.

Yeah.

You're not wrong.

We'll be right back.

No, wait a second.

What I was saying, so I'm watching Home Alone.

Yeah, sorry.

And aside from being, like, blown away, like, the performances, the comedic stuff and all of that, and how it's basically a live action cartoon, a lot of it, a lot of the gags. But in my head, I went like, oh, I get this.
It's fucking one location. This is cheap to shoot.
And then I was just like, did I just fucking think that? Wow. That's what I'm I'm thinking yeah it all takes place in the house it's fine what an added benefit that you now are looking I mean it's not taking away the enjoyment yeah you're not thinking about that the whole time it definitely added to a bad stereotype about the leniency and the silliness of white people being parents like I always love this whole idea that oh yeah you could just curse in front of your parents because you're a white kid it's like oh could i is that is that what i could do oh yeah yeah they you get a time out no no my i don't i don't know we had a paddle my dad had it from the fucking the fraternity days my mother's beat the shit out of with a fraternity paddle yeah oh but i remember it had like the three greek letters on it by the end like only like the v like one side of it was still left i used to hide that fucking thing i got hit by one of those i was in a fraternity in at usc and i got hit by one of those my freshman year they hired strippers for the brotherhood night and it was the first time so it must have been beyond homoerotic that's why i never joined those things i made some buds from it, but I was the comedian.
So I am friends with most everybody I went to school with from that. You just went right by that whole fucking thing.
No, yeah. Yeah, the whole hell week.
I used to just hear stories, and then we fucking shoved a carrot up his ass. It was like, what? I will say this.
They tried to make a kid at one time. I would get baked, and I'd go sit in the back of these meetings that they'd have where they'd talk about all the kids that rush the house, right? So they'd have all the social chairs up there, and then the president, everyone sitting, they'd talk about it.
They'd go, all right, Graham Davis, what do we think? Somebody raise your hand. Jeff.
Yeah, I hung out with Graham for about 20 minutes at the bar. Super chill, loves tits.
so I think we can all agree that we all love tits but dude they started talking to a chick that I was talking to and not cool and be like boo boo and they go alright brothers brothers please and he goes yeah so I don't know brothers brothers please so another guy would stand up and go I Graham, dude. He has a big heart.
Both his mom and dad just died in a Breyers ice cream truck accident. And I think he was just going through a rough night.
And I think he was talking to your chick because her parents also died in a food related truck accident. So before you judge Graham, let's hear the both sides of the story.
So I sat in the back and I go, I also talked to Graham. They go, Adam.
And did this three or four times i go now look i i know that we're all like this is what we're doing we need to figure out who's who we want who we don't want graham cool like you said it's going through a lot does love tits which i'm dude let's let's fucking go but he turned around to go to the bathroom and there was a big black cock on the back of his shoulder now i don't know if that's what went half of people starts laughing i go i don't know i'm an actor i'm in acting school this time i go i don't know if that's what we want but i'm just saying they go a ray they call me a ray go there shut up shut up all right what else um all right matt uh thompson matt somebody stands up dude matt big same thing matt big heart whatever somebody else combats that dude he fucking i went to the high school he he went to as a kid in Detroit. He was a fucking chode.
Adam. So Matt, I also talked to him for a bit.
He actually came up to me and said, I saw you eyeing those meatballs. Did you want me to grab you one? Generous guy.
Loves tits. Again, we're pumped on that.
But he turned around to go talk to another brother and it's a big black cock, dude, right on the back dude what the fuck and i go i'm just saying is this who we want in our house i'm just saying is this all right i thought that's what we were doing is trying to figure out who we want i did it two more times and they kicked me out and i stood up and jerry mcguire and i stand up and i go kicked you out of the frat house no of the uh the meeting i stood up and they go i did because i did one more time and when i raised three. I mean, the timing of this, it was fucking rule of threes.
Two more guys. And then I raised my hand.
And everyone's laughing now at this point. So I raised my hand.
I mean, you got 100 and plus guys. I mean, I'm fucking always trying to perform.
Raised my hand and everyone's laughing. And the head of the social chair goes, hey, Ray, if you're going to fuck around, dude, please don't talk.
I go, I have some some i want to talk about about eli uh donovan i think this is can i say something am i not a member of the house i'm like i'm a full acting he goes all right i go talking to him sweet guy loves to get some laughs i go but dude i turn around and they go get the fuck out i go big black hawk i'm just saying what are we what are we doing and then i stand up and i go they kick me out i go all i'm saying is who's coming fuck out. I go, Big Black Hawk, I'm just saying, what are we doing? And then I stand up and I go, they kick me out.
I go, all I'm saying is, who's coming with me? I go, I'm going to go to my room and smoke some weed. Who's coming with me? Do the fucking Jerry Maguire and about four potheads stand up.
And we're all just sitting there. And then, but I never, I never, I would do silly shit.
And so there were some guys though, I was building to the, this one had a lineup and I went into watch just because socially it was wild I mean I was no I never hazed anybody I did you know uh silly shit I pretend to be a brother from like Chico State put on a wig you know went up and down had a British accent and like you know uh would ask them does anyone know you know the Fruity Pebbles theme song or whatever and And right after a guy that was like, apparently this guy was talking to a girl. I'm like, what the fuck? I mean, some of that shit was just true guys that were bullied and now they're taking it out or guys that are just bad guys.
And I went through that and they tried to be friends with me after and I was just like, I'm good. You don't get to do that and then just do this.
That's what I never understood about that whole the hell week. It's just like, you're going to do all that shit then I'm going to hang out with you.
It's like, I'm going to beat the fuck out of you. Totally.
Or try. Totally.
Or just not hang out with you. I never understood.
But there were enough, I went through a time where there were enough guys that were not, the hazing wasn't dumb shit. It like we took a trip to uh uh vegas last minute they like woke us all up or said me everybody meet here like midnight and we drove in four cars to vegas and stayed up all night to do a scavenger hunt while the other guys that that uh went with us went out and gambled whatever and we had it was like a bonding thing you walk up and down the strip go to this place get a match book go get a picture in a fountain get a picture with a stripper right and that was uh wild and fun and whatever and um and some guys in the house that had tons of money broke away and were betting i mean ridiculous amounts of money i mean i didn't know i parked my grandparents mercury grand marquee on the fraternity row at usc amongst like escalades and bmws every weekend people are like whose whose grandparents are here to visit? I'm like, oh, no, that's just the car I got.
Dude, it was a great car. I loved it, dude.
It was a big cloud. Big-ass trunk.
The front seat, you could fit five deep if you want. But what's funny is- Shout out to my grandparents.
They're not as big as today's cars. Everybody thinks that those things were big and they were super heavy and everything.
They don't understand. You'd open the hood you could look down and still see the driveway.
There was all kinds of room in the engine bay because they didn't have all of... Just think of the level of shit technology that's in a car and how much they fucking weigh.
Those electric ones with the batteries and stuff. They're heavy as fucking shit.
It's kind of a... I don't know, because I rented a 65 Cadillac my gig in L.A.
in May when I did the bowl. It was a gold convertible.
Just to drive it up there? Oh, yeah, dude. Cool move.
And I got to tell you, though, I couldn't believe how fucking small it was. Like, everybody's like, oh, my God, that is a fucking land yacht.
It's like, it isn't. As far as, like, how wide it is, it's this weird thing where, because now everything, like, between you and the passengers, this whole console with all of this fucking shit and stuff up there, they sort of taken away a lot of the interior space with all of the fucking gadgetry.
Yeah. But back in the day, there was lap belts, a bench seat, front and back.
I mean, there was a lot of banging done in those American cars. was they're amazing cars but like um you know like my wife has this suv that she just got and you know this garage it looks like it can fit a car she puts it in it's like dude it's like it's like a fat person it's just this big fucking bubble and you're like this fucking thing is huge i don't if I'm going to be able to get the fucking door open.
Yeah, it's unnecessary.

I got to go pick up my kids from school.

You can just say you don't want to talk anymore.

That's fine.

I do.

This is a half-hour show.

We did an hour and five minutes.

That's fun.

We're not going to be right back.

This is going to be.

You got to come back for the hat trick.

You are.

I mean, I just have to thank you for jumping in that first time because we're now doing

a 25-city theater tour.

We sold out the beacon.

We just did the celebrity in Arizona.

Thank you. I mean, I just have to thank you for jumping in that first time because we're now doing a 25-city theater tour.

We sold out the Beacon.

We just did the Celebrity in Arizona. Oh, I'm going to be – my lawyers will be getting in touch with you.

I want to co-create it by credit for the talent and all this stuff.

You're not wrong, dude.

All the work that you did.

You're not wrong.

Check out AdamRayComedy.com for all the Dr. Phil Live theater tour dates.

We've got Toronto, Boston.

We're doing the MSG Music Hall

next to Fenway in Boston.

Have you ever been there?

MSG, Madison Square Garden Music Hall.

It's like, is it?

It's next to Fenway.

There's some big music hall

next to Fenway.

Dude, I moved away from there

29 years ago.

Great, thanks a lot, Bill.

I don't recognize it anymore.

I'll take it from there.

And so then we got Toronto,

we got Atlanta,

we got Nashville, Dallas,

AdamRayComedy.com, all the Phil tour dates and all my stand-up there too. Dr.
Phil Unleashed on Netflix. All right.
Adam Ray, everybody. I love you.
I love you too. Thanks, Dave.
No worries. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast

for Monday, December 19th, 2016.

What's going on?

How are ya?

Oh, Jesus Christ, my fucking computer.

Every five seconds.

Do you want to download this?

Do you want to do this now?

Do you want to do it in an hour?

Should I remind you later on tonight?

Lady, give me some fucking space. Jesus Christ.
These fucking goddamn... I don't know, man.
I'm not into this shit at all. Just the level with which it's fucking...
I guess because of technology, I am able to do this. You know? If it was back in the day, I would not be able to do this.
What is this you ask? Maybe you didn't ask. Maybe I'm doing that thing where I'm putting words in your mouth.
But if you did ask, you know, I'm doing a podcast. You know, I guess there's always a price to pay.
And I think that I think that that's one to grow on. Maybe that's the lesson.
I swear to God, I want to start a fucking church. I got to do it.
You guys been watching that, that woman from King of Queens. She played the beautiful wife, you know, to the guy who drives the truck.
You know, they've always done sitcoms. The honeymooners.
Hey, I fucking drive a bus. And you know, I'm the wisecracking pretty wife well ralph maybe if you weren't a fucking idiot yeah you wouldn't drive a bus oh one of these days alice power at the baby maker right so know what they did something like that little fucking icebox in the corner you know and then you get into the 60s right 60s was like the blue ball era of uh of sitcoms you know what i mean you had i dream of genie and the fucking guy would he just wouldn't bang her i've talked about this shit before i remember watching as a kid it's like why don't you like rubbing up against her or something you know i what sex was.
You know why? Because there was no internet. Now, if there was internet back when I was watching that show and I was like seven or eight, you know, I would have been like, why doesn't he, why didn't you wear a fucking reverse doggy style over the fucking genie lamp? You know, I would know all this extra shit.
That's what the fuck is wrong with kids nowadays. It's like they just, they get, oh, I'm going on an old man rant.
They get on these fucking computers, right? Their parents are like me. They don't know how to work them.
They're not even interested in them, you know? We're in the fucking corner making homemade apple cider, getting ready for the holidays. You know, wearing a Christmas sweater that we think actually looks good.
We're not wearing it ironically. We're like, oh, this is my Christmas sweater.
Dude, my fucking mother sewed this together for me when I was in high school. Still fits.
You know, sweaters always still fits because they stretch. They're like the sweatpants for your torso.
You know, it takes a while. Like if you have a homemade sweater, you know, one of those lobster fisherman ones that your mom would make, you know, and she just give it to you in the bag that she bought the yarn in, you know.
Then one day you look at it and some fucking moth started eating at it and you're just like, is it the 1800s? Really? A fucking Caterpillar got its fucking pilot's license and now is eating my sweater. This is like so fucking 1826.
How is this happening right now? For the love of God, mom, can you go to the rayon store? Can you make me a fucking polyester knitted sweater? Why don't you do that? Why can't you do that? I mean, Jesus Christ, there's fucking children doing it in sweatshops around the world. You gonna come at me with yarn? That's the problem with all the mothers nowadays, you know what I mean? Them and their fucking yarn, they just won't let go of it.
I'm just fucking with you. What kind of woman knows how to knit anymore, anymore you know trying to find a woman that knows how to knit is like trying to find a guy that knows still knows how to hunt you know what i mean and that even goes for the fucking rednecks you're not doing it the way you're fucking you're you're you're way less fucking i don't know what four-wheeler fucking ancestors hunted almost talked into a corner.
I was like, I don't want to do the hacky. Saying your grandfather who first had sex with a fucking relative.
I didn't want to say that. I didn't want to go down that road.
I don't even know if that's true. How the fuck did that start? You know what I mean? One fucking guy bangs his sister.
And then of a sudden everybody out there that has a four-wheeler is doing it. You know what I mean? They can just dig like they don't have Facebook.
You don't have to be lonely. I like how they've gotten more aggressive on that farmers only when they've really just started shitting on fucking city folk.
You know what I mean? City folk just don't get it. And they still make themselves look stupid.
City folk just don't get it. They could go with global warming.
They could go with overpopulation. They could go with quality of air, quality of life, space.
There's so many different directions. That directions that hey you want to come back to my place and you go there and it's like some fucking city apartment you know what i mean where like the kitchen is in the bedroom you know and the bed folds down from the wall like you could fucking attack them that way you know what i mean some intruder trying to come through their window may city folks just don't just don't get it.
Then they go to their spread, right? Fucking got your own parking space. You're not driving around the block like for fucking nine hours trying to find alternative side of the street fucking parking.
There's all these different things. Water levels rising.
You know, I saw this one of these man in the street things. I've been watching that channel vice you guys watch the vice channel it's a fucking great channel reminds me a lot of ways a little bit of um mtv during the early days where like they had a lot of funny promo commercials i don't know why more fucking networks don't do that because you know you usually fast forward or turn the channel when there's a commercial but they got like they have funny fucking commercials like there's some talk show on there these two black dudes right at least one black dude and one guy sort of puerto rican maybe um or maybe he's light-skinned i don't know i'm too white to understand right so they they do a talk show so they're hyping it and they're showing like the new york city you know skyline like they always do before a talk show and it it was, I'm going to fuck up the joke.
It was something like no big guests, no band, no audience, no white dudes. And then they cut to the promo when somebody comes out.
I don't know what the fuck it was. I was watching.
I was like, this is funny. This looks like way back in the day when I would see Randy of the Redwoods or Jim the Taxi Driver.
would have like funny promos. I don't know why they ever got away from that.
But anyways, oh, speaking of that, speaking of non-whities, I saw a fucking front man this weekend in a band. It was fucking unbelievable, right? I went the other day i did uh the dark matter podcast um which is dave navarro's podcast and um had a great time on that and afterwards they were like yeah hey dave's doing his show down at the roxy you want to come down friday saturday night i guess he i mean i'm on i'm in the dark Literally no pun intended.
I didn't know he did this just Christmas show every year. Um, and it was like an all-star lineup.
You don't know who the fuck's coming out and, um, you just go to the show and then they just start bringing people out. And, um, so I went down there to go see the show and I mean, I knew it was going to be good.
Dude, it was fucking ridiculous. The amount of people that they had coming out, which, of course, I'm going to fucking forget the names and everything, but you just, you know, someone will come out.
This guy, they sang, this dude sang the Immigrant Song and something else and fucking murdered it. I never even heard of the guy.
Fucking murdered it. The band was unbelievable.
Navarro was killing it. then they then they brought out macy gray and then she sang uh the fuck did she sing she sang the pretenders brass and pocket and then she sang radiohead creep i was just like jesus christ what the fuck and then they brought out cypress hill and no one was doing like their own style of music everybody would like switch it up so then they bring out this they give this fucking intro which no performer wants to get all right the guy goes to do the intro and he just goes uh yeah billy morrison was there just fucking everybody right goes um all right this next guy you know people suggested him for this show uh you know first we were like yeah you know we don't know we don't know if he's right for this show and then we saw him and he absolutely blew us away our jaws were on the ground i'm telling you this fucking guy is unbelievable yada yada and i'm thinking i was in the crowd going oh no not that that intro was the fucking word.
You can't follow it. It's like in stand-up comedy.
This guy is one of the best-working comics today. He reinvented the mic stand.
Betty Murphy was still doing stand-up. He'd be asking this guy to write for me.
You know, they start giving you a fucking intro like that. You're just in the back like, guy, tone it down.
Tone it down tone it down right dude this guy came out and totally fucking lived up to it this guy's a rapper i mean i don't know shit about hip-hop or anything like this guy post malone so the guy on stage for whatever reason said this guy's responsible for uh justin bieber's career right which i don't know why you would say that in front of a bunch of fucking 40 to 50-something-year-old white people, right?

So this dude comes walking out,

and there's a few people booing, like,

a couple, you know, like five people

because of the Justin Bieber thing, right?

I love people in their 40s and 50s

who fucking talk about how bad Justin Bieber's music is.

It's like, really? It doesn't speak to you? You're fucking dope. It's not for you.
You know what I mean? It's like getting mad at the fucking I don't want to insult the guy, but you know what I mean? It's for younger people. You know what I mean? I don't understand people getting in their 40s and 50s and they just they they don't understand that um somebody's perspective as a 20 something year old is is not going to seem like the same as theirs and you're sitting there going like what the fuck is he talking that like that's bullshit that's a that's a stupid blah blah blah blah blah and it's like yeah yeah that's what you did when you were that that age and someday he'll be in his 40s and he'll look back at himself at 22, 23, going, what the fuck was I thinking?

Right?

Somehow, like four or five people don't get it.

And they're literally booing, you know, Justin Bieber at a show Justin Bieber isn't at.

So this guy comes fucking walking out.

And he just walks up to the microphone.

And he goes, what's up, L.A.?

I'm drunk as fuck.

Right?

So immediately the crowd just starts cheering. and he goes,

you know,

I'm usually,

you know,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually,

I'm usually, I'm usually, I'm usually, he goes, I, you know, I'm usually, you know, I'm a rapper. And I, I, everybody, I was assuming in the crowd was like me going like, yeah, I'm completely unfamiliar with you.
I am a white guy pushing 50. I have no idea who you are.
Right. So they start playing rage against the machine, killing in the name of,'m like going oh god a rapper's gonna sing do they got the auto tune on you know is this gonna be like uh is he gonna have too much deodorant under his arms like fucking ll cool j when he did the unplug what's gonna happen here dude this guy this guy fucking murdered this song fucking murdered this song.
Just took the whole thing to another level. And it never came back down again.
Everybody else matched this guy. This fucking dude was unbelievable.
He sang that song and then he sang Alice in Chains' Wood. And fucking murdered both of them.
And you literally felt it in the crowd. Everybody on their phones going like, who the fuck is this guy? I got to download some of his shit.
Oh, here's a hilarious thing. So later on that weekend, I'm watching Vice.
And there's another funny promo. He's sitting there.
That guy, Post Malone, right? I was sitting there with Nir going, that's the fucking guy I saw. That's the guy that murdered that song.
Those two songs, right?

So he was talking about conspiracy theory.

I didn't even know what the commercial was about.

It was just him talking to another guy.

I'm telling you, it's very like early days of MTV.

He was just talking about conspiracy theory

and being able to teleport.

And he was just going like,

say here's Area 51, right? Which, of course, he picks that rather than say in San Diego, okay? He goes, here's Area 51 right here. Here's Australia.
If you want to fly from Area 51 to Australia, you've got to fly all the way here, you know? And he draws the arc, too. He just didn't draw a straight line.
Like someone actually understands aviation, right? Because this is what creeped me out. Because if he just drew a straight line, I'd be like, all right, this guy's out of his mind.
But the second he drew the arc, I'm like, oh fuck, I'm buying into this theory, right? And he goes, but with teleportation, they just do stuff like this. And he just takes the paper and the X where Area 51 was and the X where Australia is, he just takes the paper and he just folds it.
He pushes them together. He goes, it's like that.
He goes, I know you guys think I'm out of my mind, but I know this shit is true. And I was like, this guy's brain, that's what my brain tells me, you know? So I don't know anything about any of his, any of his, any of his music, but I'm definitely going to uh download some of his shit if anybody knows what his best album is or whatever you know a good uh jump off point for that guy um it would be it would be uh be tremendous um so anyways oh by the way navarro fucking killed the guitar solo on that too i was wondering how the hell he was gonna do it now i don't know if they came up with a uh an effects pedal that made the noise that the dude from uh you know fucking rage against the machine you know because he when he came out he had all that with those weird sounds that he made i don't know you know i was in over my head musically about fucking 15 minutes ago but whatever and i want to thank everybody at dark matter for uh for hooking me up um to see that show.
It was fucking great, man. Just a great goddamn show.
So, of course, I talked to Dean Del Rey, who sees everything. He goes, oh, yeah, man.
He goes, I went to that show at, like, the fifth anniversary. And it was, like, fucking Ozzy, Lemmy, and Steven Tyler.
I was just like, oh, fuck you, man. Fucking, you're never going to beat Dean Del Rey with the fucking, I went to a concert story.
Fucking guy's seen everything. So anyway, so I'm watching this Vice channel.
I know I'm just plowing through this shit. Fucking all over the place.
And my wife just kept, you know, recording this shit. She recorded something about, like, DJs.
She recorded something about the fucking kids of those, you know, oil barons or whatever, oil money in Saudi Arabia. So we're watching both of these, right? The DJ thing, you know, it's just something I'd

seen before. They're showing how much money that they're making in, um, in Vegas.
And, uh, it was funny though. Actually, actually, actually asking a couple of them what the future was.
And a few of them understood it. And a few of them were just like, yeah, it's never going to end.
It's like, dude, at some point, you're going to be the Bee Gees in January of 1980.

It happens to all genres of music and the in the so few bands figure out how to do it how to age gracefully from one era to another um and like i was saying like i think i was talking about that and i can't remember what fucking podcast is. You have to, I don't know how to do it, but somehow you have to, like your music has to age with you.
So you don't look like a fucking moron. Um, like Justin Bieber has got to write some fucking middle-aged shit when he's in his middle age, you know, cause he can't be singing about whatever the, whatever the fuck he sings about.
You know what I mean, he looks stupid at 40, you know, and it makes everybody in the crowd feels old, then you say, oh my god, we're gonna die, you know, you just see your mortality when they come out, I remember the first time that I saw that was when, like 10 years ago, when David Lee Roth came back with Van Halen, and I went to go see Van Halen. I was like, oh my God, this is going to be fucking great, right? I can't believe he's back.
I saw Diamond Dave on the Eat Him and Smile tour. He's going to be throwing, you know, just thinking he's going to be throwing fucking kicks and jumping off the stage doing the fucking split, right? And dude, he came walking out on stage and I swear to within two, I was was like oh my god and like within five seconds like oh fuck he's old i'm old we're gonna die everybody's gonna die here and i get like this wave of fucking depression just hit me you know until i really realized like wait a minute like you know guitarists and drummers don't get old i mean they do but like you know They can still fucking, you know, if I really realized, like, wait a minute, like, you know, guitarists and drummers don't get old.
I mean, they do, but like, you know, they can still fucking, you know, if they have a technique or whatever, they can still fucking, still fucking shred. And I forgot that Eddie and Alex have been playing again for like 50 fucking years.
And they were unbelievable. The singer has it the worst because your voice naturally drops.
And of course, everyone from my era actually fucking sang. You know, not to shit on Justin Bieber, but when I was watching that DJ thing on the Vice channel, they fucking.
He shows up at some some pool party, you know, where everybody's fucking, you know, turning their cameras around, doing selfies and the peace sign and the duck lips and all that shit. And he shows up to sing his song, and he's just clearly fucking lip syncing.
He's not even trying to do a good job, and everybody's freaking out. There was a few times, like, he took the mic away from his mouth, pointed it at the crowd, and you could still hear him singing.
And nobody gave a shit. There was there was nothing and all these yolo douches were going fucking nuts it's like how is that acceptable i don't know that that shit makes me feel old like back in the day if you ever got caught millie vanilli oh the whole fucking he millie he millie and vanillied his whole fucking way through that nobody gave a shit.
20, 30 fucking years earlier. You know? I guess it's because those guys technically never even sang on the track.
I don't know. Everybody's doing fucking commercials now.
I mean, it's just back in the... The whole thing has just changed.
You can just do whatever you want. You don't have to sing.
You can fucking, you know, you can lip sync your way with your hit song through a commercial for fucking underoos and it actually equates to more album downloads evidently i should just be sitting on a porch right now watching young people walking by yelling at them that's what this podcast is just slowly becoming um so anyways i'm watching that channel and uh the recorded was, uh, this thing about the, uh, it looked like those same guys that I saw when I was in London, the, uh, Middle Eastern dudes who fly on a cargo plane, fly in all their fucking cars with the same ridiculous rap, you know, or maybe it's a paint job. I think it's a wrap that they put on there you know what

i mean they got like the fucking uh it's like that mirrored finish like those three people in shana now with the gold suits they'll do that to like mercedes and all that well when they're back in their country another status symbol is to own a uh like endangered species or exotic animals as they call them.

And these fucking guys,

they owned, like, cheetahs and lions and tigers. It was the most disturbing fucking thing.
And I'm not even coming at this in, like, a Peter way. I just sat there going, like, dude, that is a fucking lion.
you got it on a leash and these things kept you

know they'd have their friends over they'd sort of lunge at them and then the friends would jump

out of the way and be like whoa whoa like laughing it's just like if you saw how big these fucking

things were it's just like they could like sort of like at 30 percent like bitch slap a refrigerator

and the thing would tip over and go flying across the fucking room you know what i mean

Thank you. like sort of like at 30% like bitch slap a refrigerator and the thing would tip over and go flying across the fucking room.
You know what I mean? And these guys are fucking decent. So this fucking lady goes over there, this white lady, making white people look fucking stupid as shit.
She's like she fucking goes over to this guy's goddamn house. He's got a giant fucking lion.
All right? And he goes, well, we'll get, or a tiger or some shit. And he goes, all right, we'll get you comfortable.
We'll let you play with some smaller ones first. So she's playing with these little ones.
And immediately, I said, I wouldn't fuck with that. A long time ago, I was on Opie and Anthony.
They brought in a fucking baby tiger, one of those little white ones or some shit, and they asked me if I wanted to hold it.

I was like, no.

The thing was upset.

It didn't want to fucking be there, and I've been scratched by a house cat.

Fucking killed.

It only got me with one goddamn claw, went right down my forearm.

I had to put all this shit on it so I wouldn't get some sort of goddamn disease,

and I'm looking at this cute little baby tiger or lion, whatever the fuck it was, one of those Siegfried and Roy ones, the Mariah Carey one where it's all fucking white, you know, and I'm just looking at the size of its fucking paws, I'm like, that thing's paws already are like four times the size of a house cat, I've got scratched by a house cat, this thing's in a bad mood, I don't want to deal with the thing. You know what's funny? He was actually scratched Anthony, if I remember correctly, and he had to get like a tetanus shot.
Or something. Some sort of ointment had to be put on his fucking neck.
So anyway, so this lady goes in there, right? And she's playing with him. She's like, oh my god, they're so adorable.
And was really not impressed with the intellect of the woman. I thought they could have got somebody a lot fucking smarter, right? So then she goes outside to meet this lion.
Okay? This lioness. And there's no way to describe to you how big a fucking lion is.
It's not very often that you get to see a person standing next to a goddamn lion. She walks up in the general area of this thing, and the thing's immediately looking at her.
The way a fucking wild animal looks at you, you know what I mean? It's the same. I've always said this.
It's the same way like a fucking hooker looks at you. There's no bullshit.
You go to a bar, some woman looks at you. She's just trying to get a fucking drink.
Hooker looks at you. It's the real deal.
I will fuck you. If the circumstances are...
If you got the money, I will fuck you. It's the same thing with lions.
They're looking at you like if the opportunity arises, I will kill you. Dogs don't look at you like that.
Fucking lions look at you. You know, cats attempt it.
House cats, you know, you turn around, you catch them stalking you and shit. But then you look at them, and then they fucking run away.
All right? Picture a cat doing that, a house cat. But you turn around, and it's a lion.
And it doesn't run away. It fucking lunges at you.
Or maybe gives you that refrigerator bitch slap, right? So this fucking thing is looking at her and he's the owner who has no training whatsoever. Brings this fucking thing.
Oh, dude, my palms were like sweaty. I had to get, well, I was watching it in bed.
I literally stood up going, what the fuck are you doing? So the thing comes over, immediately starts crawling on top of her. It's on top of her.
And then she puts her hands on the side of the thing and starts like, like, you know, rubbing it like it's a giant dog. And all I remember was that there's that YouTube video of that stuntman who worked with bears and he had brought his some sort of relative in there who wanted to learn how to work with bears.
And he told him to keep his hands down by his side the bear came up and like stood up on its back legs put its paws on the dude's shoulder and he instinctively put his hands on either side of the bear which the bear took as like an aggressive move and wanted to fight and it fucking killed this guy so she puts her hands there and i see that i go oh fuck is this a bear, I don't fucking know, and all of a sudden, she got just a little bit scared, and then the thing collapsed down on her, and it got weird really quick, and then the guy stood up with this rope fucking leash, and quickly tries to pull the lion away, which she does, and this woman gets up, like, oh, wow, that was, that was like a, I feel like that was like a spiritual experience. It's like, bitch, you woman's got fucking killed.
And then the guy goes, yeah, you got scared and it senses your fear. And then, oh God, thank God she didn't make any high pitch noise.
Like the sound of an animal, like suffering. You know what I mean? You ever hear like a dog toy, you know, when they bite on it and it makes that high pitch noise, it excites the predator in them.
And so I say to Nia, I go, how far into this show before they show us somebody who got killed? I go, I say about 17 minutes. They didn't.
It was at the end of the show. And they were just like, two weeks after we left, this fucking woman, basically the housekeeper comes in.
All right. She didn't fucking do anything.
She's not like these fucking guys who for some reason, like it's, it's just total like male ego shit, trying to outdo the other fucking rich guy down the street that they get these things they don't know anything about the animals they fucking at least that's the way it was presented they didn't know shit about the fucking animals and then they were like no the thing has a better life living here it's walking around in a fucking cage you know it's like dude would you want to walk around in a cage i mean you could always get knifed you could get killed the same way an animal could in the wild. It's a fucking lion.

Who's killing a cage? I mean, you could always get knifed. You could get killed the same way an animal could in the wild.
It's a fucking lion. Who's killing a lion other than another human being? So anyways, this fucking housekeeper came in, and she got mauled by these fucking lions.
And they bring the woman in, the guy tried to say a dog did it. And they were like, these injuries are a little more than a dog.
And then the owner is like, well, whatever do you mean? It's like, well, she's missing her left arm and the claw marks on this. So you know what the fucking asshole did? He had three lions.
He went home. He shot all of them and then burned their bodies out in the desert.
So nothing would fucking happen to him. And it was just like, yeah, there you go.
There you go, fucking inevitable. They had like cheetahs.
This guy's riding in a fucking six-wheeled Mercedes with a fucking cheetah. And that woman's getting in the car going, oh, it's it's acting just like a dog it's panning it's looking out the window maybe they had to get somebody i'm not saying she was not a smart person she just wasn't very aware of the situation i feel and i just kept hearing like it was back in the day like 50 def jam comics did bits about how white people fuck with wild animals.
And I just kept hearing, like, it was back in the day, like, 50 Def Jam

comics did bits about how white people fuck with wild animals. And so, in a way, I'm like, oh, this is good.
For once, it's not white people being idiots with wild animals. You know, now it's Arabs.
Let's, you know, take a little heat off a whitey, and then they bring this white lady in there, and she fucking does everything that, you know, every one of those bits bits says that we do so anyways um let's get to some of the uh some of the reads here for the week if i can if my fucking computer isn't going to tell me to fucking i don't know update something um oh jesus here we go here we go wait i have to promote this thing real quick Alright, I was supposed to promote this. Regular Hero.

Year and View. Jesus, here we go.
Here we go. Wait, I have to promote this thing real quick.
All right, I was supposed to promote this regular hero.

Year in review, you can donate now and be a regular hero to change your life today.

These people work around the world to help the disadvantaged. They are yet another nonprofit.

And I'm assuming that because it's on my podcast that this is a uh this is actually a legit one you know they help out with hurricane matthew skid row at risk youth um oh regular hero show oh fuck i've done one of these oh this is what's this steve simone thing right the regular hero show has been a great fun and awareness raiser thanks to comedians bill burr gabriel iglesias dane cook daniel tosh chris hadwick chris d'alia the world at the world famous comedy store in the improv yeah this is actually a legit one in a in a world where so many of these non-profits are um a complete horseshit this is actually a legit one which is a very nice thing um because everything's a fucking non-profit like you remember that that that lady from a couple months back she uh she lost her job at that non-profit yet another non-profit, when she said that horrible shit about Michelle Obama. And of course, wrote it like a dope.
She said something like, it would be so refreshing to have a classy, beautiful, dignified first lady in the White House. You mean that trophy wife? What, because she wears a red blouse? All of a sudden, she's fucking, you know, a better person.
She wrote, I'm tired of seeing a ape in heels. Not an, A-N, a ape in heels.
And ape is capitalized like it's, I don't know, somebody's name or some shit like that. So, of course, she gets fucking, she gets bounced out of this nonprofit.
She gets fired because everybody knows that makes you less racist. You're racist, and then you lose your job, and then you go, oh, wait a minute, what was I thinking? Everybody is equal.
So, anyways, then the fucking mayor from this town, Clay County or something, Virginia, West Virginia, I guess, backed up her goddamn why you would do that. You know, even if you were racist, you'd think you'd be smart enough to keep your fucking mouth shut.
This person co-signed on what the other person said, and then the mayor had to fucking resign. So anyways, they actually, so they fired the first lady who said it from the Clay County Development Corporation nonprofit.
They're a corporation that develops shit, but it's not for profit. Well, let me ask you this.
How is this woman not homeless? I don't get how you work for aprofit and you're not homeless. If there's no profit,

how do they pay you? This is what all corporations do. I'm in business with a certain corporation

that claims a 90 to 180 million dollar loss a year and the people I work with are buying mansions

out here, redoing them. I don't know how that works.
That's actually a different thing because they're not considered a nonprofit. They're considered a business entity.
And if you don't show that you've earned any money, then you don't have to pay any taxes. So the corporation does it.
But then everybody draws a salary. Now you have to pay taxes on the salary that you drew.
But however, if you just say you're not making a profit, you don't have to pay any taxes. And I would think that all that extra money that you didn't pay taxes on, you then just disperse amongst your employees.
So rather than making a million a year, you make two million a year and then you pay taxes on that. Right?

I don't know how it works.

I don't,

you know,

I'm too stupid to figure out how that shit works.

But,

um,

for the life of me,

I looked up this nonprofit

trying to figure out

what the fuck they do.

I cannot,

I can't figure it out.

So anyways,

they fired this fucking lady

and,

um,

10,

like a month later,

they just reinstated her.

They just reinstated her. And, uh, I don't know, to me, that is the Trump influence.
I think that that's what everybody learned from Trump. It's just like you just say, hey, you know, that's locker room talk.
Or, you know, all right, he's fired. And he comes back.
Hey, you know, I'm back. Yeah, you know, I left for six weeks and I'm back, you know.
And what i love in with media is there's no follow-up after the first story the first story is done there's there's there's the whole fucking everybody flipping out let's go burn the witch and then once it dies down then you just bring the person back and nobody they've moved on to something else um i don't know it's really bizarre i just don't know how somebody could fucking be in business with somebody like that it's fucking nuts anyways all right all right so according to the emails somebody wanted me to look at this fucking thing and uh it simply says crazy asian sport saw this on reddit and needed you to see it uh merry christmas Twinkle Eyes. All right, let's see what this is.
Oh, my God. All right, let me hit pause here.
This is basically, this is... I want to go to this.
All right, there's this whole group of fucking dudes. They all dressed in white oh my god they're all huddled around a pole and there's a guy sitting on top of the fucking pole and then another group of dudes come in wearing orange shirts and the fucking they all have on like olympic boxing headgear and that when when the fucking orange dudes in, they're trying to knock the guy off the pole.
This is like fucking ants fighting each other. Dude, you fucking asshole.
How can you show me this and not tell me what sport this is? They try to knock the guy off the fucking pole. What is this called? And what happens is basically everybody gets piled on once the orange crew comes in oh there's a weak guy he turned he ran the other fucking way they start jumping up on top of each other oh my god i would be so fucking claustrophobic it's basically like a rugby scrum if you could throw fucking punches and you climb in just imagine a rugby scrum and rather than the ball one of the rugby dudes was sitting up on a pole and they're trying to fucking knock him off.

Wow, dude.

They're just kicking each other in the face.

I swear to God, you know?

How the fuck did I get so lucky to be born in this goddamn country

where they at least pretend to give a shit about your well-being and your life? That is a fucking hardcore sport. You know what? Hats off to fucking Asia right there.
I would love to see them try to get this. This is barbaric.
Try to do it in our country. Everybody's listening from America.
My country, I should say. This is barbaric.
This is promoting violence against people with different kinds of shirts on i mean i don't even understand what is it what is what is the purpose of this um can you please tell me the name of that sport am i ever going to get over this fucking cough i haven't smoked a cigar in forever i'm getting eight hours sleep not really you know knee is tossing and turning every fucking minute now i literally you know i i sleep in bed for like half the night and then after a while i just end up going upstairs and i fall asleep you know i want to do the same thing like when the baby comes i'm just gonna be when the baby cries too much i'm just gonna be like you know what i can't deal with either one of you and i'm gonna going to go upstairs, and I'm going to put on an evening gown like Mariah Carey, and lay here with my fucking diamonds on. I don't know, maybe it's just for the show, but I just look at it, and it's like, this person is out of their face.
At some point, it's just completely lost touch of reality. There's something about that.
When you get backup dancers, and they're all on your every word and they literally want to be you, there's no way to keep yourself tethered to any sort of fucking reality. Alright, advice, age different story.
First of all, did I talk about everything I wanted to fucking talk about this week? Oh, let's talk about how you guys doing with your cardio! If you're late to the podcast, you can still can still start right now man i've been trying to do a half hour cardio every single day because this you know between thanksgiving and um new year's you eat all of this fucking shit you put on weight then you gotta you just start the year behind the eight ball buying the eight ball right i was like i'm not fucking doing that so as of december 1st i've been trying to do uh cardio a half hour cardio every single fucking day and um of course i fucked up right i um what did i do i made it through the first 11 days and then december 12th i had a busy morning and you really got to knock it out in the morning which i didn't and uh the day got longer and longer and then I came home Nia was watching some fucking tv and she's just like I need comfort and I was just like all right acting like I was a good husband rather than like I don't want to get on that fucking elliptical again so I missed a half hour on the 12th 13th I did my half hour so i had 12 out of 13 days 14th i missed

then i was like fuck this is becoming a trend now i owe that machine down there 60 minutes plus the 30 for today that was friday december 15th so i got on that elliptical Baby red cakes

I got on the thing

And I did an hour ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Started my day. I was down 19 points plus the 30 I had to do.
And I ended up doing an hour on the elliptical. So now I was up 11 minutes.
And then I liked the results of doing a fucking hour. So then on say, I did an hour and four minutes.
So then now I'm up. I was down 90 minutes.
Now I was up, uh, an hour and 15, also known as 75 minutes. And then yesterday I did an hour and 15 minutes.
Uh, so I don't even know what I'm up at this point, 45 minutes plus an extra 45. I'm actually up 90 minutes, something like that.
I don't know what the fuck it is. I can't really remember, but all I wanted to do, I was going to do a half hour every day.
And that was going to be, so 31 days, it would be 15 and a half hours of cardio. But now I think I'm just going to do hours every day for the rest of the fucking year.
I weighed myself the other day, I was 177. Now when I came back from fucking Europe, I was a buck 90.
So I've taken 13 pounds off since um since that trip so I don't know it's all about the fucking cardio um I would love to do that you know if I if you know what the reality is is if you got an elliptical every day and did fucking 60 minutes if you just did that you know and when you do that when you put together a playlist that's when you gotta love I tell you you gotta love like bands like iron maiden where they have six seven minute songs you know at least the songs are at least four minutes which is a huge fucking chunk you know and i just put my sweatshirt over the clock and i'm just like i i just peek at the clock after every song's done all right so if you're just doing a half hour of cardio you got to listen to listen to Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner. It's a 13-minute song.
You know? Hear the rhyme of the ancient mariner. The whole fucking thing.
They got she like me, they show the dice for the crew. You listen to that whole fucking thing.
The curse is upon his high. Right? You're going gonna go from fucking 27 minutes down to 14 minutes like this is a fucking joke i always try to put it on you know have it come on time it was like 21 minutes you know and then i just cover it up because the next time i look i'm gonna be in single digits i'll be down like eight or nine minutes it's fucking tremendous but But anyways i uh a buddy of mine my drum teacher was showing me this fucking song this week and uh i don't know how i slept on this one i've always been a big sound garden fan and somehow i never heard that song rhinosaur and uh as always matt cameron with the sickest fucking drums uh i've become obsessed with that song and that fucking album and uh when i saw it i thought it said 2016 i was like oh they got back together this is their latest shit and then i looked again and said 1996 every fucking thing that i listened to i don't know what happened to me i think part of it was i got old and then i was also like trying to fucking get somewhere as a comedian.
I just completely missed out on like 20 years of music and like half the shit people show me. I'm like, Oh, that sounds fucking, you know, it always sounds like it's brand new to me.
When'd that come out? And they're like, yeah, like 2002. I'm like, ah, I just, I just can't get contemporary.
I got 20 years of shit. I to fucking sift through.
So if there's any other drummers out there, part of my lesson is he'll play shit at the end, like ear training shit. You got to try to figure out the groove.
You got to figure out what time signature it was in. And this was to figure out what time signature it was in.
And of course I was fucking it up. And a few drummers out there, it's in six.
But if you count the eighth notes, you just count up to 12 and the phrasing is seven and five. And I would play it for you on here, but I always just feel like because I do advertising, if I play any music, then all of a sudden somebody's gonna come after me and be like you owe us money because you made money off of me on these while you played our fucking song or whatever um anyways what do you guys think of the patriots yesterday everybody's flipping out about our defense like i don't know what the big you know we beat the ravens and the ravens did you know there's they got that sugs guy but back in there they had sugs they had ray lewis and they had ed reed so their big three is basically down to one dude and you know they're not who the fuck they were and then we beat the broncos in mile high where we never fucking win but they basically basically got a rookie quarterback.
I don't know. I get so frustrated with the Patriots because it seems like they only protect their offensive players.
I know I've been bitching about this, but they just, you know, that fucking quarterback, whatever the fuck his name is, Taleb, whatever the fuck his name is, when he was with us, that whole quadrant, section of the field was just shut down. What didn't we like about that? Why didn't we just keep that guy? You know, we got fucking wide receivers.
We got fucking our quarterback. That's where we keep all our fucking.
You know what? This is my theory. Bill Belichick is such a defensive genius.
I think he just thinks like, you know what? I don't fucking need, you know, I don't, I don't. Look at this.
My fucking computer just decided, you know, I said, you know, contact me in an hour. And I was like, all right, an hour's gone by.
Now it's just syncing with my fucking phone. Like, who's doing this? So weird.
It's like all these fucking satellites just fucking pointed at you i don't know anyways um i think he just is convinced that he can take any second round draft pick train this person into being a an nfl quality player at that position slash borderline all pro And if you become an all pro, then he just fucking gets rid of you the second you want money. Just fucking been doing it forever.
Back in the day, you know, we'd keep McGinnis. We kept Vrabel.
So our defense, I felt like, had an identity. Now it's like every three years, it's like a whole new fucking defense.
It me up the fucking wall i don't know we'll see because i watched the giants you know and you know like all patriot fans every year when the giants go on their run you get this sickening feeling in your stomach going like oh fuck yeah you want to play him again because we got to beat him one time you know and i was sitting there going there going like, all right, well, they lost Tom Coughlin.

This is going to be huge.

And lo and behold, they're doing it again.

They're on another fucking run.

All right.

Yeah, the defense looks fucking amazing.

You know, I'm not saying a defense doesn't look good, but it does not look as good as theirs.

And I don't know.

That's the Giants thing. The only thing about the Giants is they don't score any fucking points for whatever fucking reason.

They got Eli, who's a goddamn beast. They got the fucking they got the diva there.
What's his name? How the fuck? I don't know. My short term memory is for shit.
I just thought Wyatt. I can't fucking remember.
His last name is the same name as the fucking soccer player with all the tattoos who's married to the Spice Girl. Beckham, bend it like Beckham.
Odell Beckham, there you go. See that? I'm learning how my fucking old brain works now.
I got to go on one of those brain exercise websites that try to help you with your short-term memory. I don't know.
I'm fascinated how they can have him at wide receiver. I don't know if they're playing that Cruz guy a bunch of fucking money, but they got Eli.
They're able to keep him, but then on the other side of the ball, they got JPP, and if he didn't fucking mess up his hand, like, they seem to be, they're more balanced. You know, so what if Chandler Jones wanted money? He fucking earned it.

Sometimes I just feel like we're getting, I don't know, what the fuck?

How many Super Bowls do they have to win before you realize Bill Belichick knows what he's doing?

I know, I know.

I'm just looking at the NFC West and it just seems like they're stronger.

I'll tell you right now, the Dallas Cowboys, you buy and they're selling.

I'm selling.

I don't believe in them.

I don't believe in the Dallas Cowboys.

I don't believe in their coach.

I don't know about, you know, this is just totally based on, I look at that guy and I go, I don't believe in that guy. I just don't.
Pete Carroll is a fucking beast. Eli is an animal and their coach, who I swear to God looks like he won some radio contest, is a wolf in sheep sheep's clothing is a wolf in upper deck fucking eating a pretzel and getting mustard all over his face clothing um i think one of those teams and this is really isn't going out on a limb i think one of those two teams goes to the uh to the super bowl and having watched both teams i think i would rather play I'd rather play Seattle and that's only because Seattle you know once you win a couple you went to win a Super Bowl you go to back-to-back you know they lost too many guys not to say that they couldn't beat the Patriots they already fucking beat us this year but we'll see we'll see I never fucking believe in my team you know what i mean i don't know why i always just see the fucking you know why are we doing this why are we doing that um so anyways we shall see but uh be nice to play the giants again and finally fucking win we'd actually would have to win that game or else tom brady would forever just get ripped on sports talk radio by all those mouth breathing dopes.
They would be like, does that mean that you can actually say that Eli is better than Tom Brady? Like it was this one-on-one game. Like Tom Brady, every Super Bowl has not let his team down the field for the winning score.
He's had to do that every Super Bowl that he's been in.

You know?

And four out of six times, the defense went out and did their job.

And two times, they did not.

And I'm not taking it away from fucking Eli,

because two times, Eli beat our defense.

But he beat our defense.

He did not beat Tom Brady.

However, when you're the quarterback, you take all the blame.

You know, all you got to do is look at Dan Marino and the ridiculous level of shit that that guy takes,

despite the fact all the records that that guy,

I've never understood it.

Did he have to tackle people too?

Was he supposed to run the ball up the gut to fucking eat up some of the clock? I don't know. It's just so fucking, the shit that Dan Marino gets is the dumbest, it's the dumbest ever.
This is how much the game has changed, by the way. I looked this up the other day just because all they do is fucking throw the ball.
And I looked up all time, you know, running backs, just rushing all time for your career. And I'll tell you right now, what's his face? Emmitt Smith.
No one's going to break that fucking record the way, the way they just don't run the fucking ball anymore. No one's going to get anywhere near that thing.
Uh, let me look this shit up. Like I looked it up yesterday and, um,

I, anymore. No one's going to get anywhere near that thing.
Let me look this shit up. I looked it up yesterday.
Not now. I don't want to install these fucking things.
Fuck off. Jesus Christ.
It's like a fucking kid tugging at you. Mommy, mommy, mommy.
Where we go? All-time NFL rushers. All right.
Where the fuck is it? Pro football reference. This is the best thing ever.
So I look this shit up. OK.
And in the top 20. Top 20 all like as of right now, there's only three active players in the top 20.

The first seven are all retired.

Okay?

The highest ranking one is Frank Gore, who has 12,931 yards.

All right?

Then you got to go all the way down to 16. You got Adrian Peterson, who, granted, took a year off because he beat his kids up with something he found

in the woods.

Adrian Peterson, and then he got Steven Jackson at 18. All right? You go to the all-time, where the fuck is it? Passing.
Where the hell is it? Passing yards. How hard is it to find that? Passing yards.
All right? So there's only three active players, top 20 rushing, right? Starts at eight and ends at 18. All right.
Passing all time. In the top 14, there's six active players.
Six active players in the top 14 all time. There's only eight other qbs in the history of the nfl that has thrown as many or more yards than six current fucking players and the top two all-time are peyton manning and brett farve peyton manning just retired last year brett farve retired six years ago it's fucking unbelievable like how much this game has changed And there's only two really old school names in the top 20 is Johnny Unitas.
Where's the other one? And Fran Tarkington. And once, what's his face? Like John Elway, Warren Moon, that class, Dan Fouts, Joe Montana.
They came in. They did their damage.
Dude, Kerry Collins is in the fucking, he's 16th all time. So here you go.
So you got Peyton Manning's one. Brett Favre is two.
Drew Brees is three with 65,462 yards. He's less than 7,000 yards, less, about 6,500 yards away from owning the record.
Dan Marino's fourth, then it's Tom Brady, John Elway, Warren Moon, then Eli Manning is eight, then Fran Tarkenton, then Ben Roethlisberger, Vinny Testaverde, Phillip Rivers, Drew Bledsoe, Carson Palmer, Dan Fouts. I've seen like everybody, all of these people play in my lifetime.
I did catch the end of Fran Tarkenton. Dan Fouts, Kerry Collins, Joe Montana, Johnny Unites I didn't see, Dave Craig, Boomer Esiason, Donovan McNabb.
All right, Donovan McNabb is 21st all-time.

That's how much the fucking game has changed.

It's unbelievable.

And what it is is that these guys are like throwing for four yards,

five, six yards.

That shit used to give to the running back.

So I think Emmitt Smith, Walter Payton, those guys,

no one's going to touch their foot.

I don't know how you get enough fucking attempts to even do it. Was there a point to that, Bill? Yeah, I'm just saying they throw the ball a lot.
I guess that's what I'm saying. Jim Irsay, completely chained.
And then another thing, too, is just the way that they protect the fucking quarterbacks, you know, when they call it the Tom Brady rule, because that time he turned around and looked at the referee and said hey somebody touched my jersey and the referee was like oh i'm sorry he fucking threw the flag um yeah everybody calls it the tom brady rule which i love i love that they call it the tom brady rule because it is you know you got to protect your quarterbacks that's your money everybody realizes that uh you know when when the best, you know, everybody knows the fucking quarterback.

If that guy gets knocked out, no one's going to watch the game.

So they protect the hell out of him.

And they're like, yeah, fuck everybody else.

And people who are not into sports, they're into offense.

They want to see some action.

So they just, you know, now it's like illegal to cover a fucking receiver.

You know, dude, Dan Marino, the shit you could do during that guy's fucking career,

and he still threw for like 60,000 fucking yards I don't know he always talk about steroids right and they put an asterisk next to your name you know the same way they don't give Barry Bonds as just do it's just like are you going to sit there and tell me all of these fucking guys were as good as Dan Marino with the yards they're putting up. Fuck out of here.
All right. Advice, age difference, and history.
Dear Bill, I'm just a Bill. Yes, I'm only a Bill.
I'm a big fan of yours. I really enjoy your podcast.
Thank you very much. I appreciate it.
I am 28 years old and in a relationship with my girlfriend who's seven years younger than me and who I plan on marrying. We're really great together and I love her.
Well, congratulations. The thing is, is as our relationship has gone on, we've slash I've been getting some static from people about our relationship.
Well, who gives a fuck what they think? Like I said, she's seven years younger than me, but we've known each other for a while. We've met when I was working at my first job as a counselor at a camp when she was one of the kids.
Oh, Jesus. When we first met, I was 17 and she was 10.
Yeah, yeah. Yep.
Yep. And that's that creepy thing.
That's that creepy thing. Because at some point you were like, oh, look at that little kid.
That's the Woody Allen moment where you go, oh, isn't she adorable? And then at some point the switch flips to being like, hey, I think I want to fuck that. You know, there's no way to get around that, sir.
You have to understand that. So anyways, he says nothing happened between us at that point.
Well, I would hope so. It wasn't until we reconnected years later when we were older that we started talking again and really getting to know each other.
All right, well, I guess that's fair, but people are going to say some shit, right? Anyway, I'm getting shit from some family and friends because of our history. Just from an outside source, I'd like to know what you think.
Do you think it's strange or weird? I know there's people out there 15 to 20 years apart. It's just with our history,

it throws people off again. What do you think from an unbiased perspective perspective? Thanks and go fuck yourself.
Yeah. The thing is, is that you were 17 and she was 10 when you first met her.
That's what makes it weird. Um, like my wife is 10 years younger than me, but I didn't meet her until I was like, you know, 35 and she was 25.

And. like my wife is 10 years younger than me, but I didn't meet her until I was like, you know, 35, and she was 25.
Hey, Nia, come in here. Here's a question.
Somebody, somebody's 28. What do you say there, Wendy? What are you so out of breath for? Come here.
You gotta give me a place to sit here. Oh, Jesus.
So this guy, he's dating this woman, right? He wants to marry her. He's 28.
She's 21. He said, the thing is, I met her when I was a counselor.
I was 17. She was only 10.
He goes, obviously nothing happened then. He goes, obviously nothing happened then, but now that we're together, people are giving a shit.
And I was saying, now there was a 10-year difference but i you know i was 35 you were 25 right so so they're looking at you like uh you've been grooming her since she was like seven years old yeah but he like met her but then didn't seems like he didn't see her for a while then they reconnected and had of course which happens don't worry about it if you know everything's on the up and up just just do your thing yeah is her family cool with it you know is her family giving him the side eye like he was grooming her or seems to just be friends what do you mean his friends people that he knows are just like this is what i those people. Oh, like your friends are giving him shit about it?

I wouldn't.

If you meet new people, I wouldn't tell them that that's how you first met him.

Yeah, probably not.

Not everybody needs to know your entire history in that way.

Just because people will misinterpret it.

But, yeah, if you guys are fine, your families are fine, like, don't worry about it.

Yeah, as long as nothing happened when you were a counselor.

Exactly. As long as you're sure nothing happened when you were a counselor, which I'm sure it didn't.
He always wants to push her on the swing. Oh, God.
I know. It's bad.
All right. Let's see.
I did it to you. Sir, there's a certain level of shit you're going to have to deal with.
Where are you going? I'm going out to have a little breakfast with a friend.

I didn't like the vagueness of that.

You're having a little breakfast with a friend.

Yes.

I'm going to get smoothies with Chelsea Peretti.

Oh, you didn't have to say that.

Smoothies.

Chelsea Peretti.

Smoothies with Chelsea.

Yep.

Sacramento zone.

Chelsea Peretti.

Is she from Sacramento or Oakland?

Yeah.

She's from Sacramento. She's from Oaklandramento no hella sacramento um yeah she's white trash from uh she is she's white trash from northern california she is she's also a Republican.
Anyway. All right.
Where the fuck am I? Yeah, dude, just, you know, who gives a fuck? This is the deal. Once you get married, you have fucking kids and shit.
You're never going to see anybody anyway. So who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck what people think? Go out and do what makes you happy.
Okay. As long as you're not hurting anybody and you're not breaking the law, please go out and do it before just being happy becomes illegal.
Because, you know, just the level that the population is going in, you know, I'm thinking by the end of my life, I don't know what it's going to be like over here. I hope we don't end up like China.
Where China is so fucking overpopulated.ulated. They got to let people, nobody drive cars for like five fucking days.
And just the shit that they're dealing with is, it's brutal over there. Which whip am I taking? The white one? The white one? What are you doing? Yeah, take the Prius.
Take the Prius. I still have the Prius, everybody.
I'm going to be selling the car. I just can't find the title.
So I sent in all the forms to to the dmv bye enjoy your smoothies you big hollywood phony all right um so i i sent it in to the local one and i i fucked up not only did i send it to the wrong dmv i wrote for some reason 2017 on the check so they thought i was trying to be pull a fast one so then uh i end up having to send it up to fucking sacramento so i'm waiting for that thing so i can finally get rid of that other fucking car um all right here we go girlfriend texts hey bill i'm in in a bit of a tough situation i think you are you wrote in twice and would love to hear your take it on it. I'm 24 years old and was recently seeing a 33 year old girl.
Whoa, I love it. Come and rub my fucking balls.
You are fucking nine years older. For about six months within the time span, I cheated on her twice.
I told her about it, and although she was upset, we agreed to get back together and start over anew. Everything was relatively fine until last week.
I went to her house before she got off of work to do some work on her computer when I noticed her text messages opened. Uh-oh.
Mac computers are usually linked to a person's phone, so I was able to see all of her texts. I'm sure you know by now where this is going.
Oh, jeez. Since she has gone through my texts before, I figured I would take the same evasive liberty.
Well, you've fucked around on her twice. I would think that she would be doing that.
I found a particularly strange thread from someone named Lauren, whom I found out was actually her ex-boyfriend and she had it in her phone in a woman's name. Oh, God.
They were sexting back and forth, talking dirty and exchanging pictures. I also found out she was sending him videos of us having sex.
What the fuck? What the fuck? Whoa. Dude, I don't think that's legal.
Is that legal? Wait, how does that work? If you consensually let somebody... If you didn't know you were being filmed, I don't think that that's legal.

This is what I do know.

I'm not a lawyer and I have no idea what the law is.

All right, let's continue.

I confronted her on it and at first she minimized the entire situation saying it wasn't really that big of a deal.

Since then, we've been going back and forth arguing. You know know what you guys are both like not ready to be in relationships remotely and thank god you both found this out before you got married and had kids she since apologized but i'm not really sure what to do i did cheat on her so does that even the playing field or is the whole thing just rooted in

dysfunction and chaos?

There you go.

Walk towards the light.

I can't tell if I'm just lonely and want her in my life again,

or if I should just walk away,

please help me here.

I am emotionally involved in this situation.

So it's hard to make a clear objective call to just walk away,

walk away.

And you need to do some work on yourself because, uh, I think you're a clear objective call. Dude, just walk away.
Walk away and you need to do some work on yourself because I think you're a fucked up dude. And I'm saying this with empathy.
You're a fucked up dude who's actually a relationship guy and probably would have just gotten married and fucking had your own little fucking fruit stand or whatever. But something fucked up happened to you as a kid.
You got weird boundaries boundaries so you get into relationships with dysfunctional fucking people and then you can consider continue to fuck around on the side and all that the it's um it's actually a very common thing so i would say uh what you need is you need to be single and uh you need to do some work on yourself i may would go to therapy figure out what your deal is really figure out what the fuck it is that you want in life and what it is that you're looking for and then just take a baby step every day walking towards it that's what i would do but i would get out of this relationship um and i would give her the same advice too. There you go.

Yeah, get out of it and just know that you're going to be fucking lonely.

But all it takes is like two to three months,

you'll be fine.

You know what I mean?

Just make yourself go to the gym.

What you got to do is you're breaking a routine

and you're fucking used to this person

being in your life.

But the further you go without seeing that person,

the more objective you can be and you can look back and then one day you're just gonna be like what the fuck was i thinking um and it can actually be funny to you or you can really just see like like uh like what the fuck is wrong with me that i would do that to a person and what is wrong with me that someone would do that to me and i would consider staying. You need some self-esteem there, buddy.
All right. Girl with pet rat.
Oh, Jesus Christ. Dear Billy Christmas Toes.
I don't know what that means. I've been listening to the podcast for a long time.
I recently came into a situation that resulted in me having to make a decision. Instead of writing into you and asking what to do in the situation,

I decided to do what I thought you would want me to do

and write in with the results.

Dude, don't base your life on what the fuck you think I would want to do,

but this is already interesting.

Last month, a girl I had been dating got a pet rat.

Oh, boy. Got a pet fucking rat.
Okay. Is it Angelina Jolie? Didn't she have a rat? She had Billy Bob's blood around her neck? We had been dating for about four months, and it was going well.
I would say that if we were together about six months, I would have moved in with her. We really clicked.
Well, she got a pet rat and I wasn't down with that. Not because I had a problem with a rat in a cage, but her taking the rat out of the cage and holding it while we watched a movie.
Bill, I can barely even stand a cat on a lap because I don't trust them. So I voiced my concern and she laughed them off and ended up being a bigger argument and eventually came back around to the rat.
I told her it was me or the rat. She said she'd rather me, oh, you missed a word here.
She'd rather have me, I guess, except there was a long pause and some serious thought. I really like this girl.
And honestly, if my devotion

ever came down to choosing between her and anything short of family or friends,

would she or any girl ever accept that? Dude, you're so emotional. You're skipping words here.

Probably not. They'd say bail on the guy who's not sure if he'd choose you or something that

potentially spreads diseases.

Anyways, that's what happened. Merry Christmas to the birds.

Yeah, but what you're doing is she loves that rat,

and you're making her get rid of something that she loves.

So there's going to be, I guess, a pause.

I don't know. I think that it was really bugging you.
I think it was really fucking bothering you and you let it simmer and then you just fucking hit it with, you know, you were ready to talk about this for days, weeks, I don't know how long, and then you just fucking caught her off guard and she's been bonding with this thing and you made her make a sophie's choice between you and the rat which um i gotta tell you i don't know about that move i don't know about that move you You could have easily just said, listen,

I respect the fact that you like a rat, okay?

You know what the first thing I would do is?

I would look up life expectancy of a rat.

All right?

And I don't mean someone that snitches.

Because I think everybody, even I know at this age, as white as I am, that snitches get stitches.

No, I'm kidding.

All right.

Let's go. Because I think everybody, even I know at this age, as white as I am, that snitches get stitches.

No, I'm kidding.

All right.

Life expectancy.

What do you guys think, huh?

What's the overrun here?

How long can a fucking rat live?

I'm going to say they live six to eight years.

You know, if those are the prices right and I was the last person to fucking, I would say six, but I'm going to say eight years. Life expectancy of a rat.
Two years. Dude, it only lives for fucking two years.
All right, this is what you say to her. If she hasn't got rid of the rat, come back and say, listen, I know you love that fucking rodent.
Here's the deal. The things only live two years.
All right. I plan on being with you in two years.
Can you do me a favor? Make this be the only rat you ever have. All right.
Okay. She agrees to that thing.
And then just put parameters. When I come over and we're watching Sleepless in Seattle, I don't want to have a threesome, if you know what I mean.
Just keep it in the fucking cage. When I'm not here, you want to roll around the floor, get yellow fever, whatever the fuck you want to do, whatever the fuck rats do.
If you want to do that, that's fine. I just, you know, I don't want to fucking deal with the thing.
You could have done that, but, you know, you kind of made her, like, what's she going to do with the rat now? Like how do you get rid of a rat?

Is there like a fucking adoption agency?

This is gonna make me feel bad about my dog again, which is of course been brutal.

I'm not going to talk about it.

All right.

Um, yeah, you just let the fucking thing go.

Do you know those lions?

Do you know when once those people have those fucking lions and tigers and

cheetahs for a long enough time, they can't release them back into the wild because they don't even know how to fucking hunt anymore.

You know what I mean?

That really blew my mind.

They don't know how to hunt anymore, but they can murder a fucking housekeeper.

I mean, it's just, how the fuck do you have that in a house?

There's no fucking way.

This was in Kuwait, by the way.

I don't know why I said Saudi Arabia.

Kuwait. by the way.
I don't know why I said Saudi Arabia. Kuwait, exotic pet deaths.
Let's see what we got here. Lions, tigers become problems, pets engulf.
Big cat killings, maulings, big cats escape. All right, here we go.

This is 2014.

This is a website you want to go to.

Big cat rescue.

All right.

Big cat killings, maulings and escapes.

2010's before.

Uh, lion attacks on humans.

Here's a video.

I don't, do I want to watch this? is it weird that i root for the fucking animals oh jesus christ all right dude look at those things we i was talking to verzi and we were talking about these big cats like those big cats they're literally the lamborghinis and ferraris of fucking of cats you You know, of animals.

Oh my god.

It's fucking,

it's got his fucking arm.

It's got his fucking arm and he's trying to slap at it.

Oh my god.

Jesus fucking,

you're a fucking idiot.

This guy's trying to remain calm this is

dude there's one guy he's dealing with this lion

attacking him and then the fucking

there's another guy slapping at the fucking

lion and it's got his fucking

leg it's just sort of holding him

he's almost away he's almost away

I'm sorry. leg.
It's just sort of holding him. He's almost away.
He's almost away.

Oh my god! He's fucking got him again!

Dude, you should have got the fuck out of there.

Get the fuck out of there. And this guy,

he's still staying in the fucking cage.

Oh, there you go. You fucking dope.

Oh, this is like the top ten. Alright, you gotta go

Thank you. fucking cage oh there you go you fucking dope oh this is like the top 10 all right you got to go to this bigcatrescue.org and this is another guy he's getting fucking bit by this goddamn thing it's weird man when they decide that they're going after somebody like the other guy can just totally be like get the you know the other guy's like the friend in the bar going come on man you don't need this you don't need this this thing is just going after this one fucking dude lion attack number eight all right he's petting the back of the thing he's petting it you know it's a fucking lion and then boom oh it's got his arm i've seen this one it's got his fucking arm uh now his friends his friends are pulling it's a tug of war with this guy right now and the other guy is funny he tries to hit the lion but he's too afraid to go near it so he keeps hitting his friend who has it in his fucking mouth wow lion attacks hunter i've seen this one I don't like that one because they killed a fucking lion uh jesus christ you know what i gotta be honest with the what you don't see in any of these fucking videos is women that own fucking these things you know guys are just such fucking dopes um anyways all right that's the podcast for this week if you guys missed last thursday's podcast um you it.
Rich Scheidner, man. This guy gives you basically a stand-up comedy history class.
He's one of my favorite guests I've ever had on the podcast. I could have talked to him for like two hours.
You have to get his book. You know, it's about his life as a stand-up comedian.
Was it Walking Through the Ashes of stand-up? My life as a stand-upup comedian you got to get the book because you know he started to tell me those johnny the first time he did the tonight show he had cocaine bag a little baggie of cocaine in his fucking pocket he said the next time he did it um he did a joke about heart attacks and johnny was really nervous about having a heart attack because he smoked and hated him and uh they made sure that he stayed in the fucking dressing room they're like you're never doing the show again and blah blah blah and all those type of shit it's fucking the book is amazing um but you gotta listen listen to the podcast we i have the links and everything it was last thursday if you're really a fan of stand-up um it was just effortless it was one of the fastest hours i've ever done on the podcast totally fascinating please check it out it was from uh what's today's date i don't fucking know it was last thursday god damn it bill let's see thursday the uh let's see 11 12 13 4 was it the 15th ah jesus bill come on can you can you get your shit together here all right 2016 yeah thursday the 15th check that one out all right that's the podcast go fuck yourself i'll check in on you on thursday what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast show nfl edition for week number 16 uh how the hell are you guys doing you got your hosts here paul verzi bill burr we got the greek freak uh wait is next week the last week of the regular season two more two more that's right because everybody gets the bye week okay wild uh and of course we have jake the snake the injury report guy but first we have to shout out our great sponsor it's the bet mgm it's bet mgm everybody bet mgm is offering 1500 in free bets to get your season going uh how do you get this offer? It's four easy steps. You download the BetMGM app to your device.
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Have a good time.

Bill, how the hell are you doing?

I just went for an old man walk, Paul.

Nice.

You know, I got my steps in.

Nice.

You know, I go the other way, Paul.

I go the other way during the holidays.

People balloon up.

I fucking start losing weight.

Nice. I sit in the corner.

I don't talk to anybody.

You know, they feel the depression of the end of the year, and I sort of ruin it for them. Then they go outside.
I go outside. I'll go outside.
I'll smoke a cigar or something and then everything's good. No holiday cookies for you.
You know what? Me neither. Dude, what am I, fucking eight years old? Dude, dessert past a certain age is for women and kids.
All right. Women, I give them a pass.
you know what i mean they they're fucking giving blood every month their hormones are all over the place they don't know what they need a cookie right it's like what are you doing as a man a little german chocolate cake though man after a meal who would have thought german chocolate cake would be one of the best desserts ever in history? It's amazing. You know, Paul, that's slightly offensive to me as a German.
You are German, which is nuts. You know what, Paul? You kind of just said whoever would have thought those fucking krauts could make anything in the goddamn kitchen.
Who would have thought those krauts could be happy? Oh, this is a bad joke. Hey, they're good with ovens, but not for cooking.
You know what I'm saying? Oh, oh, oh, not during the holidays. I hate when people groan history.
I'm not advocating it. Dude, I got one for you, dude.
Can I eat some scrambled eggs here, Paul? I need a little protein after my brisk old man walked through the neighborhood. Dude, my son's basketball team played a team of kids that were all Jewish.

And these kids come out, and I'm not joking around, dude.

Some of these kids had, you know, yarmulkes on and stuff.

And I just leaned over to a dad jokingly, and I go, dude, I never seen that on a court.

But that's got to be one of the, like, least most intimidating things I've ever seen on a basketball court.

Dude, they beat us by 45.

That's what I like. With the yarmulkes on, go fuck Dude, I like it.
They beat us by 45. That's what I like.

With the yarmulkes on, go fuck yourselves.

I love that.

One kid had like bling on his yarmulke,

draining threes.

I'm not joking.

Well, then, now you learned something.

When the Jewish kid shows up

and he has bling on his yarmulke,

he's shooting from downtown.

One mother, I swear to God,

one mother in the bleachers goes, hey, don't judge a book, okay? Dude, people forget they had champions in boxing. They just haven't done it in a minute.
Dude, Edelman? Julian Edelman, come on. Yeah.
That reminds me of... I will Brothers.
You don't see a lot of fast gingers running the court. The Zucker Brothers movie Airplane.
She goes, you want to read something? She goes, give me something light. She goes, here's a leaflet.
Famous Jewish athletes. But, dude, they're Sandy Koufax, dude.
Well well that's the thing that they have like legends it's a nice you know it's like somebody with like like uh a refined taste with the with the car collection he didn't buy every fucking car he just has a few that he likes yes they got big enough guys to uh to shut him down i feel feel. Jewish boxer or no?

You got to go back to the black and white days,

like the middle white things

when they were living in ghettos and stuff

and they were like, you know,

they had to fight their way out.

Yeah.

Never underestimate, Paul,

having no fucking money,

how good you can become at boxing.

Yeah, anything, really.

Chris Rock did a bit about that a long time ago. Did he say in the broker you are the better you are at boxing and was talking about how black people are dominating it and then he picked some other group he goes but there's you know there's whatever there's some so-and-so gonna come in and kick his ass one day yeah um no i'm trying to think of like the stereotype athletes like italians were good in well italians, there's not many.
You have Rocky Marciano. Italians were good with the referees, Paul.
Let's not let's be honest here. OK, in boxing, in basketball.
That's where the Italians thrived in sports was with the officiating. That's great.
All right.'re going into week my people were all bleeders yeah but your people were tough as nails german well i mean i'm mostly german so i can't like dude i'm fucking i'm from i'm just an idiot from massachusetts all right that's what i am dude whatever started this though when you fight I honestly think dude that was like a logo i think that was the fighting i don't think anybody ever did that and then i think when you watch movies that they have old-timey thing they don't like if you watch uh was it jack johnson that heavyweight from like 100 years ago he wasn't doing this no that movie though that movie that took place in ireland with tom Was it called Far and Away? Where they were like gentlemen. They had like shirts and they had the suspenders.
And everybody got a... Tom Cruise in a fucking period piece.
That's not what they really did. Dude, so much shit that Hollywood just comes up with.
People think... My brother took this tour one time when he was in the Grand Canyon Canyon and Native Americans, Indians, whatever the fuck you're supposed to say.

We're given the tour and he was showing how his tribe played the drum.

He goes, we play it like this.

We play it like that.

Play it this.

He goes, however, we never played it like this.

And he starts going.

That was some shit that my people came up with in Hollywood.

Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Yeah, yeah.
Dun, dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun, dun.
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Yeah, all bullshit.
I'm not going to lie. If I ever got into a fight and a guy came at me like this, I'd be like, I'm about to get fucked up.
This guy knows what he's doing. I wouldn't think he's going to hit you.
I'm looking for the spinning back fist. You know, it's great, right? He gets a straight back fist.
Yeah. All right, before we get into these picks, Jake, apparently Jake the Snake's got a big injury report, Bill.
We got a lot of people out this week. Jake the Snake recently voted most eligible bachelor in Fullerton, California.
I heard that. Congratulations, Jake.
Thank you. Look at that smile he's got.
It's a big honor. He's got the glasses on, Paul.
He just jumped up offer for this podcast. Here we go.
All right, what do you got, Jake? No glasses this week. Well, the biggest injury is Patrick Mahomes.
He got hurt last week, but he's expected to play. What, he's sprained his fingers trying to get a hollow coming up? Is that what happened? Yeah.
It was just the ankle this time. Oh, he had that a few years ago, right? Yeah, yeah.
What's that? Is that the same injury from a few years ago? I don't think it's serious.

Yeah, it doesn't sound like it's as serious as time.

And then, yeah, they thought he was going to be out for a bit.

And then the line came out and it flipped to minus three for the Chiefs just recently.

So I think everyone is expecting him to play.

Dude, I bet the Browns last week because I was like,

that's such a gift that the Chiefs are going to win.

I'm like, there's no fucking way.

And then they just killed him. Yeah, I was on the Chiefs.
You don't have to rub it in. There's no reason to rub it in.
All right, go ahead. Speaking of the Browns, their season is pretty much over, but Jameis Winston is getting benched as well.
But he's not the only quarterback getting benched. Kirk Cousins has been benched for rookie Michael Penix from Washington.
So they play the Giants this week. So we'll see how he looks out there.
Wow. But they're seasonally on the line.
Yeah. They paid him $150 million, and they're benching not even one year into the contract.
So that's a pretty big about it. How old is Kirk Cousins? 36 or 37 off the torn Achilles.
So, yeah, it's going to be a tough road for the Falcons with that deal. Another big injury is TJ Watt.
He got hurt at the end of the Eagles game. Wow.
Yeah, he was limited this week, so we're not sure yet. But Steelers are 1-10 when he's been out out so that's definitely one to monitor and uh the other team that's starting to accumulate injuries are the Lions they have a lot of injuries but the biggest one is they're starting running back uh David Montgomery he's out for the year uh towards me yeah so they have a good backup you got any good news this week my god Jake the snake is earning his money this week.
Yeah. All right.
Good news is Herbert's playing and Patrick Sertan for the Broncos, I guess. And then I'm trying to think.
Yeah, I don't know. There's not a time.
Oh, and Geno Smith, he got hurt against the Packers last week. He'll be out there as well.
So those are kind of the big ones. I also saw Burrow and Baker are hurt, but I can't imagine those two not playing.
And Cincinnati's still in it, right? Cincinnati's still in it, yeah. I mean, the Charger-Bronco game tonight is definitely going to be a big indicator of whether or not they can make the playoffs because they play the Broncos next week.
So I think if the Broncos lose, that would probably help their chances.

But I don't have the exact numbers there.

But, yeah, it's a big week for the playoffs for sure.

It's going to be a lot of good football.

Thank you, Jake, to Snake coming in.

He's just a pro.

He gives you the bad news, but then he ends with the positive.

It's going to be a lot of great football.

I mean, you let him down easy, Jake. You do the gift bag with your women like Derek Jeter? I think it was Larry David or someone who had the breakup strategy.
Part of Jake's gift bag, he gives him four picks for the next week. Hey, go buy yourself something nice with these picks.
Before she leaves, he just goes, come here, sweetheart. Just flips her a piece of paper.
I got inside information. Patrick Mahomes is not nearly as hard as they're saying.
All right, take that for what it's worth. Touches her cheek.
She goes away. All right, let's get into the picks.
Who's going first? You go first because I had, though, when I had to do it myself. So you go first.
All right. My Patriots are 14-point underdogs going into Buffalo.
I'm feeling a little disrespected here. Okay? We all know where we're at.
You don't have to bring it up with the spread. I think the Bills are going to cover that.
And then they're going to be like, you know what? We need to save some guys here for the playoffs.

And then maybe we get a little back into it.

And then we cover it.

I feel like they're going to be up 17.

They're going to take Josh out.

I don't know if they'll take him out.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm taking the Patriots.

Getting 14.

Going into Buffalo.

You get a lot of points. It's a lot, yeah.
All right. I'm going to take Watt not being in is just such that Watt not being in is tough, dude.
Bo Nix is playing good shit. I don't like this week.

I like this week, Paul.

I like it, but then I don't because it's too obvious. No, Paul, you know, you said you didn't like it,

and then I said I liked it.

Don't jump on my I like it.

No, it's like.

Say what you're feeling, Paul.

Find your voice on this podcast.

It's like you know she's pretty, but then she's crazy.

You know, it's one of those weeks.

That makes sense.

You know, it's like you know she's pretty, but it's late.

Lights are coming on, Paul. Why is she still here? Why is she still here? Why is she single? Why is she single? Oh, here's the best one.
Why is she talking to me? Hey, that one I understand, okay? All right. You know what?

My initial thing was to go with the Texans getting three and a half.

And I'm going to take the Texans getting three and a half from the Chiefs.

I mean, Paul, who's going to argue with you?

I mean, look, I don't like, you know, it's the half a point is why I'm doing it.

Let's take the Texans to keep it close.

That's my first.

I like it.

That sounds fun.

You know what?

I'm going to take the Raiders.

Oh.

Minus one.

You're playing the Jaguars.

Both those teams are in a bad place.

Who's the Jags' backup quarterback?

Bobby Brister?

Mack Jones.

Mack Jones.

Yeah. Me and.

Thank you. backup quarterback? Bubby Brister? Mac Jones.
Mac Jones. Yeah.
Me and Mackey. It feels like I'm going to double down now.
Mackey Jones, Mackey Jones, Mackey Jones. And what do the Rangers got? Mitch Trubisky? Oh, man.
Yeah, they've gone through a bunch of quarterbacks. I think they're on Desmond Ritter.
I haven't heard much about him.

Also, Max Crosby's out. No, you know what?

Fuck that game.

Max Crosby's out for the year, too.

Wow.

He is?

Okay, forget it.

Yeah, Max.

What happened to him?

Some ankle surgery, I guess.

I think they're just trying to tank and get Shador Sanders.

Look at you saving me a pick there.

All right.

Well, then you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take the Lions minus six and a half, going into what used to be Soldier Field, whatever the hell they did to that. I'm going to go with them.
You know, because why not? Why not? I like the half a point because it always fucks you, Jake. That's what I'm looking for.
I'm going to take the Cincinnati Bengals laying seven and a half. I think Joe Burrow and the Bengals are going to the playoffs.
I think they're playing good right now. The Browns are finito.
Let's go. They're going to blow them out at home.
I'm saying they went by 20 plus. Yeah, me too.
Sorry. I love that pick, dude.
I wish I saw it. Wish I saw it for what it was.
I'm going to take the Rams laying three and a half going into the Meadowlands. That's fantastic.
I love that pick. That's the better pick.
I think that over here. No, that's they look good.
That's always happening. When everybody goes, oh, man, that's a good dip.
You know, I'm gonna fucking... It fucking goes right down.
Oh, it goes down. I'll be on that shit.
Go! Go! Go! My wife's working out. The Jets...
All right, you know what I'm about? A little aerobics. Here's what I'm going to do.
Jake, nobody's hurt on the Chargers, right? Somebody hurt, always, but we'll be all right. We'll be all right.
That's a true fan. Be careful with that pronoun.
We'll be all right. His heart's in this one.
It's true. We got Herbert out there at the end of the day.
They need to win. They need to win.
They got to bounce back. They got to win by three at home.
The game's tonight. I'm going to take the Chargers to bounce back tonight and beat the Broncos.
All right. You know what, Paul? I'm feeling a little dangerous this week.
Uh-oh. You know? I don't know what it is.
Just feeling like I need a little confrontation in my life. Hey, bacon was good, all right? Bacon actually wasn't good.
I don't know what we got. It was super thin.
I cooked the shit out of it the other day because I'm used to the other slices we have. I don't know.
It's a little too salty.

Wait a minute. You cooked the bacon days ago?

No, no.

A few days ago when I first took this

package of bacon out, I'm used

to a thicker. This shit was almost see-through.

So what's good about it is

it cooks up quick, but

even when you dry it off, it just tastes

really greasy. Paul, that's

not what people tune in for. They don't want to know about my bacon choices.
You got to pound that shit. You got to pound that shit thin.
What movie? Oh, come on. Is that Goodfellas? No, Casino, when he's going to the car to get a blowjob with the showgirl.
Oh, is that what he's supposed to do? To the car to scoot over, honey. Dude, my favorite thing was when he's just getting rid of Sharon Stone and she's screaming and yelling.

He's just going, all right.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Be careful.

She's like, I'm not afraid to go to the police.

I'm not afraid.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

Let's see you later.

I really fucked up this time.

All right.

I'm going to go.

I'm going to take the Cowboys. At home.
Getting four. I hate the pick right as I said it.
I just feel like the Buccaneers are going to ease up. You know, if Baker's a little bit hurt.
I don't know. Paul, I got nothing.
I've been underwater. Do we finish the script? We finished the script.
Congratulations. Paul, let's get then we hand it in.
Oh, and then I put my freckled feet up, Paul, and I wonder where my fall went. That's amazing.
Congrats. Thank you.
I think it's going to be, for those of you who liked old dads, I wrote it with Ben Tischler again, and we're we're psyched. We had no ending with the endings to hearts.
How do we do a fucking ending that isn't cliched or isn't like that's from Hollywood? How would this shit really end but still be satisfying? We fucking walked across the street, had nothing. Got a cup of coffee, sat down, drank, talked and then came back.
And all of a sudden it just fucking. it just fucking done.
When you're writing, when you get stuck, go for a walk ball. Let the horses run.
You gotta get the fuck out of there. I saw one of the last, I saw the last episode of the series episode, the ending, final ending of Yellowstone.
Dude, I don't know. I don't know if it could be done better as far as the ending of something.
But to the point where it was so real and realistic of something that comes to an end, that I was literally just really sad. I was just sad.
The way they did it was fucking amazing. What level sad? Are we talking end of football season sad? No, like packing up your grandparents' house after they died and you're just walking out with the last box sad.
That's really sad. Like a room that your whole life was furnished and you're playing in and then you just take those hollow steps and it's empty and you walk out and close the door with the last box set.
It was dude. I'm not going to lie to you.
You're taking your Dominique Wilkins poster off the wall one by one slowly. Yeah.
Yeah. Remembering when you push those in.
But as you're doing it, you glance out the window and rehash playing soccer in that yard. Oh, I mean, dude, it was making me not want to watch the last episode.
No, but you know, like the way sometimes they want to go out, blaze a fire. Just, you know, this was not that this was like, oh, this is how it is when things end, still a good episode so i thought it was fantastic it's too bad that taylor sheridan and kevin costner didn't get along because it would have been good but the good news is uh cole hauser cole hauser uh who plays rip was an amazing character and beth who are together who was kevin costner's daughter in it kelly r who was so incredible.
It took me like three seasons to realize that she was British in an interview. One of the best characters ever.
They have a spinoff coming on now on their ranch and it's going to be great. So I'm, I'm excited about that.
Anyways, I'm getting soft in my, I'm getting soft in my old age. Okay.
Did you you show me a whole lot. It's just a funny line.

What?

They have a spinoff on their ranch.

That's when you know you're watching a cowboy show.

That's like the real housewives of cowboys.

Instead of going to a different city, they go to a different dude ranch.

Oh, man.

We're going to ride the horses different here, man.

Not like the last ranch. Do I have one more pick? I think you made four, Paul.
I think Bill might have one more. Oh, come on.
Don't do that. No, Bill went first.
I went first. Yeah, you went first.
No, my bad. Yeah, then I don't know.
Okay, well, you just saw there was a rare mistake by Jake the Snake. Rare mistake.
Apparently Paul has one more. All right, so I got – yeah.
Call him Paulie Pickham, Paulie Numbers. Here's a game that I just – here's a flip of a coin.
The Dolphins – Probably the book. The Dolphins are laying – no, the 49ers are laying one in Miami.
Is Miami eliminated, Jake? I don't know if they're officially eliminated. That was a bad loss last week.
That line flipped. The Dolphins opened up minus one and a half.
So I think a lot of people are on the Niners. But yeah, both those teams are I'm going to take, I'm going to see if the Niners, one of these teams is getting a kill shot.
I'm going to take the home team. I'm going to take the Dolphins getting one point at home.
They've disappointed me every fucking week. Paul, I don't even – like the level of your game, Paul.
The level of your game. No, I'm saying, dude, the old Paul Verzi.
The old Paul Verzi, like fucking – you cashed in your 401K to put it on the 49ers yeah it's a pick-em the Paul Verzi I used to beat this new Paul Verzi I don't even know you're just playing the game it's like when Chris Everett Lloyd told Martina Navratolot to start lifting lifting weights. And then she never won another one.

We'll see.

They've been bad for me all year, the Dolphins.

All right.

Well, let's get to the Monday night special.

Yes.

Andrew, are you there?

Yeah, he's there.

Okay, that would be amazing if none of this was recorded.

You got all four. We got four each? Yeah.
You're good. And you just said the Dolphins, so that's your last pick.
All right, Bill. Monday night is the Saints and Packers, and the Packers are laying 14 and a half.
Oh, it's a big one. Dude, I'm trying to think the last time I saw a spread this big ever on Monday night Football.
They're usually pretty good games that they pick. The Thursday ones are a little rough because people are banged up and shit.
But 14 and a half fucking points. All right.
Over-under is 42. Over-under is 42 in the fucking point spread.
So they're basically saying the Saints are going to score, what, 10 points? Jake, who's taking snaps for the Saints now? I know they got – I mean, I know it's – Yeah, it's been a carousel, but Carr's out for the year. So I think they're going with Spencer Rattler, but it's – Oh, Spencer Rattler, who they said is – Spencer Rattler.
Yeah, and they said he was the kid that transferred to Oklahoma, but they're saying it's really bad right now with him. Yeah.
I thought they were going with Eric Kipple Jr. Remember a guy named Kempel? One 60-year-old gets that reference.
Bobby A. Bear coming back from the Michigan Panthers.
USFL titles. Archie Manning.
I mean, dude, have we ever taken a favorite that big together on a Monday night rooting for that?

Hey, Paul, how about for our holiday, our holiday hang?

We do a fucking Zoom, you and me, and we watch the game, smoking a stick.

Not a Zoom, whatever, FaceTime, whatever the kids call this shit.

Well, I would do it, of course. All pressure i mean who am i hey fucking johnny esposito oh you remember he got it right yeah johnny esposito i mean i'm paul i'm johnny esposito i'm just standing there dude i'm on the 18th green tigers of the united states starts walking towards me and i And I'm like, he's got to be coming over for somebody else.

And he goes, hey, Johnny.

And I'm looking like, you know, Johnny Weissmiller?

Who's here?

Johnny Esposito.

Who am I?

Paul.

Paul, this is the president of the United States.

I'm fucking Johnny Esposito just fucking standing there.

I got a big gulp and a putter in my hand.

He comes walking right over.

I didn't even know he knew my name.

I'm just a guy that puts one leg in. What is it? I'm going to fuck that up.
You know, I'm fucking. You go one leg at a time in the pants.
One leg at a time in the pants. Dude, I just can't.
I can't get it. He puts his pants on one leg at a time.
What was he going to do? Beat a one? Beat a dead horse while it's down.

Kick a horse while it's down.

You don't want to kick a horse while it's down.

You don't want to kick a man

when he's down.

You don't kick a horse when he's down.

Paul, you've been doing mashups

before mashups.

Oh, man. Let's go.
Let's take the favorite. You can go Moneyline.
You can go Moneyline. There's no money in it.
It's like minus 1,000. 98% of the money line is on Packers.
There's no fun in that. There's no fun in that.
You're right. There's no fun in that.
That's just fucking, you know, that's like slapping an ice cream cone out of fucking. Gordon, you want to give the Saints a little bit of dignity and we take the Saints start in the game 14 and a half and hopefully they get an early score or something.
I don't know. You know what the hard part is, is I like both fan bases.
I've done stand-up. We've both done stand-up.
I, you know, I had a great time in Appleton and who doesn't have a good time in New Orleans? Hey, this ain't personal.

This is not personal.

It's not personal.

It's business.

Have you been to Lambeauville?

Yes.

Oh, man.

I went there one time.

I watched a preseason game, Brett Favre versus the Browns.

I got a great picture or something, and then somebody stole my cam,

broke into my apartment and took some things.

And I lost original Soldier Field picture of me in it

and Curly Lambeau before they added more seats up to the top.

Oh, man.

And Brett Favre was there.

It was only a preseason game.

And then I was supposed to go to the game with you and Bartnick,

and I was doing that movie, so I had to leave.

Me and Bartnick went to one.

We stayed, and it was cold, and we and Bartnick went to one. We stayed.

And it was cold.

And we're drinking.

We got into this billionaire's party.

It's a whole thing.

But we were just sitting there hammered in the thing.

And every once in a while, Bartnick would look up and go,

da, da, da, da.

Oh, wait.

Years later, I went with Nate Craig and all my buddies from Massachusetts. We went to a Seahawks-Packers game.
That's right. So I ended up getting to a regular season game up there.
It's fucking amazing. I was going to say, how'd you get into that party? But Bartnick probably just walked in holding a cigar.
They couldn't stop him. No, it was me, dude.
They gave us this. The guy that owns it also owns a hockey league, a hockey team in a little arena.
And they were giving out, they were like, Oh, you guys get to go tailgate inside. And they were like, you could go get vodka cranberry.
And it was shitty vodka. And it was horrible.
And I fucking went to the bathroom and I see this glass room with this woman decorating it with all high end bottles of vodka. So I go, what's going on in here? And I was already kind of half saw.
So I open up and I put my head in and she goes, Oh, Hey, like typical, nice Wisconsin. I go, what's going on? She goes, Oh, so-and-so is having a party.
It was the guy who owned the whole thing. And I go, Oh yeah.
I go, me and my buddy are in town for, you know, I'm doing standup. And she goes, Oh really? I go, yeah.
I go, this looks awesome. She goes, well, you know, if you guys want to sneak in or you come in and we went in and we sat there and then the billionaire showed up, it was fun then bartnick hit it off with him they it was so funny man it worked out great did he call in the hit on epstein while you were standing there or did that happen later happened later it would be great if you just heard some fucking billionaire talk oh yeah no it was nuts world war three is next next weekend.
Not two weeks. Next weekend.

We're going into China.

Who's the guy there with the beard?

We'll get him out of here.

All right, let's pick the game here, Paul.

What do we want?

Are the Saints going to come marching in?

Are the Packers going to send them packing?

Who do you like?

I think I like the Packers to win by 20.

Jordan loved to just throw it all over the yard. It's their weather.
They need the game. Do they need the game? Kind of, you know, maybe for standings, but they should be in the playoffs.
Yeah, they're 10-4. They're in the playoffs, and then Houston's a game behind them.
Yeah, well, Houston a game behind. They're probably going to try to get some home field.
I think we take... I think we go for the blowout.
Let's do it. Jordan loved to throw one.
Packers 14 and a half. What's the over-under? 42.
Shit down. Maybe take Josh Jacobs.
Bill likes the over. I like the over, too, and with all those points, let's do that.
Let's do Packers over. Yeah, but the Saints are going to be fucking anemic and not score any fucking points.
That's what I'm worried about, and then they just shut them down. Oh, yeah.
Fuck 42. I don't like that number.
Let's do something else. What did you say, Jake? Josh Jacobs to run one in, and he's having a great year.
Let's do it. All right.
Okay, so we'll do the Packers. We'll do Josh Jacobs to score.
And we'll do Jordan Love to throw one. Jordan Love to throw one.
I can't believe it's a day early next week since I think next Wednesday is Christmas. So is it Wednesday? Yeah, Christmas is Wednesday.
I'll see you guys on Wednesday. Paul, you know, pencil in the cigar.
You know, if you can do it, you can do it. If you can't.
on Wednesday maybe we'll do it Monday if you can do it you can do it if you can't yeah maybe we'll do it Monday because Christmas Eve go be with the family so we're going to have one more show before Christmas we got one more before Christmas Christmas is Friday right Wednesday get the fuck out of here it's Wednesday I's Wednesday? What the hell is today? Thursday No, the fucking number Oh, the 19th Oh, I thought it was like the 17th I know, it's crazy Hey, you've been in the writer's room too long Believe me Yeah,, dude, believe me. Yeah.
Believe me. Well, congratulations on finishing.
That's awesome. I haven't seen Bill without him either coming from or going to a writer's room.
Just sandwiched. Every podcast he's done in the past, like, you know, eight weeks.
Yeah. But it was – I was going to say it was worth it.
I don't know. I'm just happy I'm done.
All right. Now we have to go polish the script, Paul.
You know why, Paul? Because writing is rewriting. Urge, Paul, to just steer it into a tree.
All right. That's it, everybody.
That's it. You have our picks.
You got the Monday night special. Download the app.
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Have a great week.

Enjoy week 16.

From myself and Jake the Snake and Bill and the Greek Freak, we will see you guys next week.

Gamble responsibly and have fun.

Enjoy your families.

Happy holidays.

We'll see you.