Monday Morning Podcast 12-16-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December 16th, 2024.
What's going on? How are ya? There's only nine days left before here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, skipping all the Jews and the Muslims and the Buddhists but he's coming for use he never talks about Jesus but he's on the same team according to corporations how did it get so fucking out of hand me and my lovely wife took the kids to see Santa Claus the other day my daughter's almost eight so she's already going that's not the real Santa Claus at the mall and I'm looking at her like hey that's not the half of it it's so crazy that you start their life with that big fucking lie and then you know as a parent like I feel like lying to them about Santa Claus is they gradually figure it out I feel like like Donnie Brasco like I'm wearing a wire and you know you know Donnie started to feel for uh Al Pacino's character he felt bad and everything these. These are my kids.
How do you think I feel?

She's starting to figure it out.

She already figured out the tooth fairy.

I mean, that's an easy one.

It's also good when you hear that.

When they figure out, you know, they figure it out.

There's a part of you that's a little sad because they're getting older or whatever,

but then there's another part of you like,

it would be, as sad as it is that they figure it out like it would be as sad as it as it is that

they figure it out it would be even more concerning if they didn't you don't have a 16 year old kid going, and then I, and then I, and then I, and then I, and then I, and then I come down

the chimney.

Then you're like, oh, no, boy.

All right.

All right.

All right.

Get in the car.

Get in the car.

Um. To fair and Santa Claus come down the chimney.
Then you're like, oh, no, boy. All right.
All right. All right.
Get in the car. Get in the car.
Anyways, yes, we brought him over there. It's so fucking annoying.
So fucking annoying. Everywhere you go now, it's like, you know, I just go into the parking garage because if you valet the car, you need to give them your phone number and your name.
if you don't get the text message then they can't valet your car it's like park my fucking car i'm not giving you my fucking phone number so then you can say oh we don't sell it hey you don't sell it the guy over there under the umbrella he doesn't sell it the fucking that put this thing together. Whoever the fuck he works for is selling this shit.
It's so fucking ridiculous. Then we go to see Santa Claus.
My wife sets the whole thing up and it's good. You can go in.
She had to like, they had to zap something with her phone. And then it's like they have her name and then my kids go in.
they get a picture of us. They sell all of that shit.
I don't know who the fuck buys it. I don't know how much more information these fucking slimy corporations have to get off to get from you.
But parking your car and going to see some guy in his Santa suit, you leave. They end up knowing where you live.
These random ass fucking people. And that's my thing with all the you fucking stupid cunts who are so fucking loyal to a political party and all they do is just sell you out.
When was the last time a fucking politician stood up to a corporation and said, that's enough. How often does that occasionally?

And then what happens?

A few years later, yeah, fuck you, we're doing it anyway.

I remember that in New York City

when they put the fucking TV screens in the back of the cabs

and New Yorkers didn't want them

and they were like fucking stabbing them and shit.

So they're like, all right, yeah, forget it.

Then a few years later, not only did they come back,

they came back even bigger.

I remember when the fucking cops, the pigs, man the pigs man the remember that from the 70s eat it you stinking pig the cops up in san francisco literally came up with like this robo cop thing and everyone in san francisco is like yeah we don't want that and they go yeah well you're getting it and then they just kept saying no we we don't want it and you know what the best they did they said okay for now

and it's like dude fuck you you work for us you work for us we don't want that we don't want

robot cops walking around with the ability to fucking blow your brains out now now sell it to

me sell it to me with with the fucking scenario with the scenario and act like it's only out there to get bad guys rather than to have a ridiculous level of, of a skillset to keep the masses at bay when these fucking robber barons consolidate everything into one massive company for fucking six people. I am on one right now.
Anyway, I'm telling you, that's why, you know, I'm going back to an older car. Fuck all of these cars with their fucking GPS and all of that.

You've bugged your life.

That's what you've done.

You walk around with the phone.

Before you get to your house,

shut off the fucking locations.

Stupid fucking thing.

It just sits here

just gaining information,

listening to your conversations,

all of this shit.

It's just,

these fucking corporations, they're literally listening in on your fucking life with these algorithms. It's beyond intrusive.
And there's not one fucking politician out there effectively standing up to these fucking guys. And it's because politicians are all grossly underpaid and they are grossly underpaid so rich people can entice them with bribes, which are now legal in the form of a gratuity.
Okay, so I don't want to see you walking around with your stupid blue hat or your fucking red hat thinking you're on the team. You're not in the team.
You're in the fucking crowd.

I still can't believe somebody from McDonald's ratted out that fucking Luigi kid.

That's all it took?

50 grand?

50 grand.

Why?

Because McDonald's is so underpaying you with no benefits?

They got us all by the fucking bulls.

It's not going to be all gloom and doom, people. It's not going to be all gloom and doom, people.

It's not going to be all gloom and doom. I did have a fucking morning, though.
We had to get up early, handle some bullshit, and then my stupid car, my left front tire was down a couple pounds of pressure, and then I have exclamation points all over my fucking dashboard. I thought I was out of oil or something.
So it says, you know, hit okay. I hit okay.
Five seconds later, it all pops up again. Just nagging you, nagging you, nagging you, nagging you.
It's like, I'm gonna fucking put hair in it. You know, back in the day, we never had that shit.
All you had was you had one of those little fucking things all right you had the sticker inside your door you knew what the pressure supposed to be you took that little fucking that little silver thing you put it on your tire and the the end would would fucking stick out like a dog dick and it would tell you how many pounds of pressure you had and then you knew how to set the thing i can't remember how to do any of that anymore because of these stupid fucking things and my car is like nine years old forget about my wife's car that's just fucking the side view mirrors anytime anybody goes by it's like blinking red and shit and then meanwhile the guy don't drive distracted don't drive distracted i have i have information on the inside like like the windshield. You're like projecting information, like how fast I'm driving.
It's like the speedometer is right there. So what's going to happen if I just go another fucking half a click with my eyeballs down to the actual speedometer that's worth putting shit on the

windshield like the place i'm looking out what i think is they're actually trying to cause accidents with all of these cars so they can justify the self-driving cars and a self-driving car everybody you know is going to be all oh my god wow you wow, you know, some people would be paranoid, right?

But the people that are excited for that fucking technology, because you can take a nap, it's like,

that's not your car anymore. It's a fucking police car.
So you're going to have these fucking RoboCops going around. Your whole fucking house is going to be bugged.
They're going to be listening

to you. And if you say the wrong fucking thing, you're going to get in your car.
You think you're

making a left to the gym and it goes to the right to the re-education fucking center and why is that why is that because the tesla guy the amazon guy and all of these guys were fucking nerds and they couldn't bang cheerleaders so now they have to go out in the world and reshape it and they have to make a billion dollars just to get a beautiful woman to look at them i told you i'm fucking on one so i fucking take my atm god i'm at the gas station and the guy's fucking pumping my tires up like i'm a fucking housewife because I don't have that little magic wand thing anymore. I'm sick of the dashboard doing all of this shit at me, right? It's so funny that it does that, but it tells me to only change the oil once a year because it's synthetic oil.
You got to do whatever you cut it in half, whatever they say, you cut it in half because they want you to wear out your engine i know you guys all think i'm paranoid you know am i paranoid probably probably am i informed uh no do you know what i got people i got instinct the same way I know my neighbor has a telescope and he acts like he's looking at the stars, we all know what he's looking at. Okay? He's looking in the windows of other fucking people.
Why? Because he doesn't own a corporation. If he owned a corporation, he wouldn't need the telescope.
He could just fucking tap into the smart TV and watching you fucking banging your wife on your L-shaped couch anyway what the fuck was I just talking about this is I'm not going to lie to you this is a lot for the first 11 minutes on a Monday. Oh, that's right, but I got instinct.
That's what I just go with. If you just kind of look out in the world, and when somebody says they're trying to help you, just always think that human beings, for the most part, are only doing things for themselves.
So they're always selling you on how this is gonna help you and it's gonna help your life and make things easier and you'll finally find happiness and fill the void. That's what they're always selling, but it never fucking happens.
But what you're doing is just putting money or control into their pocket because they think that that's gonna fill fill the void. All right? But the reality is, is nothing man-made fills that void.
All right? It's getting dark. It's other things.
Other things fill the void. You know, watching my son crack an egg trying to help me make waffles and watching him just smush it and all the shells go into the fucking mix.
And it made me laugh my ass off. That's the only thing for a moment.
And then you go right back to the fucking grind. I'm going to become, I'm going to be probably considered agoric phobic within the next three years because I don't think there's going to be any place that you can travel to you know I told you like a week ago I'm in New York and I go down to get breakfast what room are you in and I said why she goes I need to know what room you're in I said why she goes all right just forget it it's like why are you mad at me why do you need to know what fucking room I'm in?

I'm not paying a bill right now.

You're not going to be involved in the transaction.

Like, what am I doing?

I feel like, you know, pretty soon you're going to go to a fucking greasy spoon

and you can't get in there without a passport.

And they're just going to want to know where you are the entire fucking time.

Why do they need that level of control? If they're actually doing good shit for us, why would they need that level of control? They're going to need that level of control. If you need to know where everybody is at all fucking times and what they're doing, they're paranoid.
How do you say? How do you say? a, a, a, a, a paranoia. Scarface.'re doing they're paranoid how you say how you say i i i i paranoid scarface yeah they're paranoid because they're because i think that whatever the fuck is coming

they know that we're not going to be into it that's my theory here come santa claus here

come santa claus right down santa claus lane

do you think the reindeers are AI at this point? You know? Is he phasing out Rudolph? Alright. Where do you go from here? I actually had a great night last night.
Just today. Today was a little fucking...
It's a little much. It's a little much.
You know, the weekend, going to see Santa Claus, and they're getting into your phone and shit. It's like, what the fuck are we doing here? And just watching everybody doing it, like, okay, okay.
Nobody thinking. You know, I bring it up to my wife.
She rolls her eyes. I mean, we got to get the pictures the herd is moving this way she's right um so this morning um the guy's filling up my tires i don't have any fucking money and i want to give him a tip you know like a good housewife when another man fills up the tires on your car so i go over the fucking atm it says uh don't remove card transaction processing, right? And I'm sitting there going like, hitting clear, hitting exit.
And it still says that on the screen. And this little voice in my head said, Bill, don't put your ATM card in there.
But my need to be liked overrode that instinct. I told you earlier, I have instinct.

I don't necessarily listen to it.

But my desire to not have this guy

who's filling up my tires,

think I'm a fucking asshole

for not throwing him a couple of bucks for doing it,

overrode it, and I stuck it in.

The screen stayed the same,

and now I couldn't get my ATM card out.

I am proud of myself that I didn't lose my shit. It's a great gas station, though.
The guy goes, all right. He just went in the screen stayed the same and now i couldn't get my atm card out i am proud of myself that i didn't lose my shit it's a great gas station though the guy goes all right he just went in the garage he came out with one of those needle nose pliers he put a piece of paper over it like you know that brown paper that you dry your hands off with he folded it up stuck it over the card so he wouldn't damage the card he put the pliers on and then turned the thing and pulled it right out.

And I was immediately like, this is a fucking great gas station.

I bet this guy has fair prices.

You know, very rare.

Very rare.

As opposed to running to the corporate lizard person that you usually run into.

And the scared minions that he has all pitted against one another. Oh my God.
If I was running shit, I would fucking round up all of these CEOs in their athletic wear fucking suits. Why do they all wear those fucking suits that you can still do yoga in? I feel like they're all on the same diet.
They're probably fucking AI. Who knows? I mean, let's just go with this.
So last night I did the goddamn comedy jam with Josh Adam Myers. And we did a soft rock song called Yacht Rock by people who weren't alive when this shit came out.
Soft rock, this song Ambrosia, biggest part of me.

And it was fucking hilarious because, you know,

Josh Adam Myers has a deep voice, you know?

He sounds like a pirate, you know?

And this is really a high song.

So he texted me a few weeks ago, asked me if I wanted to do the jam,

and I was like, yeah.

And then I sent him that song, more as a listen to this song. And then he just said, you want to do this song? And I was like, yeah.
There's no fucking crazy fills in it. It's just 16th notes on the, you know, if I just get my arm in shape so I don't stay relaxed, I don't feel like my arm's going to fall off.
So I thought it'd be easy, because because I'm writing this, finishing up this script and I didn't have time to play that much.

And I ended up digging into the song

and I'm like, wait a minute,

there's so much fucking shit going on in this song.

Every time I hear it,

I hear something else that the drummer's doing.

Forget about everybody else in the band.

And I was like, wow go this the reality is is no song is really easy when you're a guitar center dad drummer there's always like mind like I'm trying to think the last time like remember that guy like I'm'm trying to think of like a song that didn't blow my mind.

And sometimes it can blow

my mind with the simplicity of it. And you want

to say it's stupid, but then you're watching 80,000

people losing their shit.

And I'm like, as simple as it is, I still can't

do that. So there's always something that blows

your mind about it.

And you remember

that group, what was it, laughing my ass

off?

I'm sexing and I know it.

Let's go. and you remember that group, what was it, laughing my ass off? I'm sexing and I know it.

Like, whenever I listen to that song,

that song fits perfectly into a movie to me

of guys driving to a nightclub to rob it,

you know,

the head guy isn't there,

they get in,

they fuck up a couple of guards, they get safe and as they're doing that you're cutting to the fucking head honcho guy the tony soprano that owns it he's pulling in to add to the tension you're going to get out and the you know the club is packed and i always felt like that part where they had the breakdown, you'd have the Tony Soprano guy who's on the stairs realizing his safe got robbed. And he's looking across.
And he looks across. And we're right in the middle of the dance floor.
And our eyes meet. And he knows who the fuck we are.
And then that's that part. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, that part.
Yeah. And I just that that's them running through the dancers and uh and then the end of the song they get away as the cops are showing up they they take off their masks throw them out the window right as the cops go past them on the other side you know you wouldn't think you'd think all that just listening to that song it's a short film it's a it's a perfect score to a short film you know it works it's very dramatic and then that i'm sexy and i know it's just like a a club song i don't know.
You guys probably think I'm all nuts. Speaking of that, I mentioned last week, I saw that Dochi Tiny Desk and I butchered the bass player's name.
Somebody else, in defense of me, somebody else wrote it, spelled it wrong on the YouTube page. Because that's why I went.
I went to YouTube to see if somebody was going to name a band member's name so I could figure something out. So it's Zuri Appleby.
A-P-P-L-E-B-Y. I probably still said it wrong.
She was nice enough to post all the band members. So Dee Simone on drums.

I'm going to say this because no one ever talks about, most people don't even tour with a fucking band anymore. Tyler Victoria, guitar.
Keisha Potter on saxophone. Tatiana Tate on trumpet.
Background singers were Brene and Amani. And then her hype person was DJ Miss Milan and I'm telling you go watch that okay if you just went to go see fucking Santa Claus and you had to like give him your social security number if you just want to see the fact that there's human beings that can still sing live and play instruments and all that I'm'm telling you.
Check that thing out. All right.
And with that, I didn't watch any, two fucking weekends in a row, I haven't watched a second of football. I just watched the highlights and I didn't even do that this weekend.
I mean, granted, I was writing yesterday, but I have no idea what the fuck is going on. What I do know is that last week I was just like, I'm just going to bet dumb shit.
And I went three and one. And then like a fucking asshole, I did it again this week.
I shouldn't have done that. I should have bet what I knew this week.
Because, you know, you're never going to figure it out. So I was going 0-2 the last time I checked my scores or whatever.
But I'll be honest with you. I'm kind of a college sports guy now.
You know, before they fuck all of that up. I told you I saw that stupid fucking CEO who's talking about now that he can pay players.
And he was saying like, you know, this is a tremendous opportunity. That's how they look at everything.
That's how they look at global warming. Global warming isn't like the end of our ability to live on the planet.
These fucking reptiles look at it as a tremendous opportunity. If we can privatize water and we own all the water, our profits will be exponential.
And then these fucking goddamn politicians sit back and do nothing about it, right? So this fucking CEO cunt was saying how because they now have to pay players and how they you know there's going to be this competition now we'll give you more oh no we'll give you more and it's going to be like that that now these college football programs will now be up for sale and this ceo cunt can then come in and own 51% of like Alabama or USC or Notre Dame. I mean, that's fucking insane.
It's fucking insane. It's always some fucking, like, I love how people watch that Shark Tank show.
It's like, you like those people? Those people seem like good people. What do they do? What do they do? They just sit back.
I have more money than you. I don't have any fucking ideas.
You have an idea. Okay, I can make money with that idea.
Here we go. I'm going to, you know, and I get it.
The person with the idea needs them. But the level that they bend them over, that they're immediately going to have control and blah, blah, blah, and all that fucking shit.
And you know what they're going to do. You know what's going to happen.
They're going to get in business with one of those sharks. They're not sharks.
That show should be called Cunts. Should be called Greedy Cunts.
And then what happens is they're going to have the control of it. So when you put it out on the market and the money comes in, guess where it's going? Guess where it goes? It goes to the fucking greedy cunt.
And then he cuts you a check. He tells you how much money you made.
You don't get to see any of that unless you audit them. And then what's amazing about an audit to me is if they only stole if they steal less than a certain percentage then you know they're not responsible for the audit there's something that they can do so they basically they say it's okay to steal a certain portion from the person that's kind of how it's set up.
I found that in every fucking thing I've gotten involved in, the check always goes to the other person. And it's like, wait a minute, I thought we were getting in business to make money off of them.
And what you end up finding out is that you're part of the them I remember that when I did a deal when I had a cd and I'd made the whole fucking thing and they want comedy central wanted me to give up ownership of it and I was like yeah no I'm not fucking doing that and the guy in the meeting goes well you know ownership shouldn't be that big a deal for you. It should be like, it should be about exposure.
And I said, well, let me ask you this. If ownership isn't that, shouldn't be that big a deal for me, why is it such a big deal for you? And for whatever reason, he told me, he said, well, you know, if we have a CD that goes out there and it doesn't sell well, we need to like cover our losses.
And it's like, well, it's not my fault you picked some fucking hack that didn't sell

any cds now i gotta pay for it so i didn't do it with them i got in business with these other people so we do a 60 40 split i get 60 they get 40 but i was a kid and i didn't realize that i was getting 60 off the net, the net, and they were getting 40 off of the gross. And then all the expenses came out of my pocket.
I had to pay, they didn't pay for anything. I had to pay for production of them.
I had to pay for, uh, you know, the shipping of them, all the expenses of making the CD and ship. They didn't share those expenses.
I had to pay for all of those. So my 60%, they had 40% off the gross.
Like we take in $100, we get 40 bucks of that. But you're going to get 60.
And then out of that 60, I had to pay for, you know, all the expenses of making the CD, which then made me make less money than them. And then also the way that deal was set up, there was no fucking way that they were going to lose money.
Like if I sold zero CDs, they still wouldn't lose any money because I was paying for all of the labor to make them and ship them. Worst case scenario, I'm taking up space in their fucking warehouse, which they probably then would have charged to me.
That's how business works. So those Shark Tank guys can all go fuck themselves and you shouldn't be looking at them like they're these great people and that you aspire.
I want to be one of those Shark guys one day. I want to be out there fucking people over.
Like, I don't understand why people get in business, and, like, you know, you want to do that to the person you're getting in business with. I thought you were like a partner.
All right, that's it. I'm off my fucking, I'm off my goddamn stump here.
Let's do the reads here for the week. Oh, look who it is.
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Okay, here we go. The sell-by date by date all right so i was bringing this up yet another fucking scam in california they're getting rid of the uh the sell by date at grocery stores and they were saying that this would save the consumer a bunch of fucking money and i don't buy it but this person writing in does it says

uh dear Billy Ballsack you got the sell-by date ban in California all wrong this is a pro-consumer bill sell-by dates will be going away but best if used by and used by will become the new standard because those designations actually indicate whether the food is still good. I think you got it all wrong, sir.
The sell by date was created because people were getting food poisoning. That's what it was for.
Sell it by this date because if you

sell it after this date, it could possibly go bad while the person is still consuming it and they

could get sick. Now they're getting rid of that and they're telling me that this is a good thing.

I listened to the story. They told me because of the sell-by date, people were pouring perfectly

good milk down the drain and then they had to go buy more milk, and that was costing them money. And doggone it, corporations don't want you to come back and have to buy more milk after you put perfectly good milk down the drain.
Why, that would cost consumers more money and would make corporations more money they don't want that they're out here to protect you dude they're never out there for you nothing is out there for you back in the day you had the Better Business Bureau that was for you you had the FDA that was for you but that has been infiltrated by corporations former employees to go in and change these fucking laws this is not for you. You had the FDA, that was for you.
But that has been infiltrated by corporations, former employees, to go in and change these fucking laws. This is not for you.
This is not to save you fucking money. This is so they can continue to sell shit that they probably, either the grocery store got stuck with it or the corporations had to buy it back or didn't get paid on and they were sick of it.
And there's some number crunching algorithm fucking nerd sitting there trying to figure out how they could make more money this quarter. That's what that is.
Okay. Nothing is for the consumer.
Okay. These self-driving cars, all of these, these bing bong bing fucking lights to put another car.
None of that is for you or for your fucking safety. All right.
None of that is for you. It's, it's, it's, it's for them to add something new to the car.
So to make your other car look like it's older because it doesn't have the new shiny shit. Now I know a lot of that safety stuff obviously saved people's lives along the fucking way, but just know this, they were never doing it for you.
They were doing it for them because they don't want to get fucking sued. All right? None of it, none of it is for you.
Maybe back in the day, back in the day when corporations were regulated. But I would say once in the 80s when they deregulated everything, that's when it really started getting fucking hostile.
And now we're in a world where it's just like hey i bought this product it sucks and it's just what do i i talk to nobody i go on a website and i have to figure it out and if i can't figure it out who do i go to there's no one to go to anymore um i don't know you can call me cynical have fun drinking that fucking milk or whatever whatever the hell they're doing and believing in that. I don't believe in it.
All right? And to be honest with you, to be fair, I don't think either one of us could say whether or not we have it all wrong or not because neither one of us was in the meeting when people actually came up with the plan. But I think at this point, the fact that corporations are consolidating everything, which used to be called a monopoly, it's safe to say that your best interests are not being looked at.

So I think a healthy level of cynicism.

Probably not to the level that I've taken it.

But, you know, whatever.

Go drink your fucking milk.

Billy Cable News. Hey, Billy, love seeing you in Verzi's mugs on CNN yeah, those fucking whores, like they gave a shit about that story they're like, this is going viral, let's sit down and pretend we care about it and get some views yeah, fuck them and Fox News he says, I don't that shit, but I saw the clips.
My favorite thing about it all is how people thought you were advocating the shooting of a CEO by vigilante citizens. Um, yeah, well, that's what they always do.
And now Fox News has labeled that Luigi kid, uh, a woke anti-capitalist. to all Fox has to do for their mouth breathing audience is just throw the word woke in there all CNN has to say is Trump and everybody flips out you know anyway instead of just being happy that they have to think twice about their shitty ways, he says.
Hey, what do I know? Maybe you do. No, it's, you know, they did.
CNN and Fox News look the other way and corporations kill people and make them sick every fucking day. They polluted our water supply.
I've said this a million times. Our food supply.
All of that fucking shit. Cancer's through the roof.
Autism's through the roof. All this shit is through the fucking roof.
And they don't say a fucking word. But you know.
When one of them gets whacked. All of a sudden.
They just. You know.
They have all of this empathy for them. And what they have empathy for.
Don't ever forget this. Is their wallets.
Okay? And they have empathy for the system. Because the system is treating them fantastic.
All right, I'm going to get off this subject because I'm going to fucking have fucking black SUV pulling up to my house. All right, haircuts.
Dear Billy, no cuts. Never felt like emailing until listening to your pod.
There is so much that I could weigh in on, but the haircut is the highest topic. White guy here with basic white guy haircut and decent beard living in, I'm not going to say where you live.
I spent the last five plus years trying to find a good cut and beard trim for a reasonable money 50 to 60 bucks but I've always felt disappointed um just recently tried a higher end option and it was fantastic as soon as I got home the wife was all compliments plus the best part was my daughter's complimented for days I spent a hundred dollars and do it every five to six weeks now because results. Oh God, I hate internet speak.
Because of the results, not because results. This, emoji pointing finger.
As far as comparing men's cuts to women, ladies should be paying more over time because how much hair they have. Seems like my wife does a serious cut and treat situation every few months for a few hundred bucks.
So that comes to around 1,200. Okay, so this person's weighing in on, this other person heard these women complaining about how much money it costs for women to keep their hair the way they need it which you know they're gouging them because so much is put on their looks and they buy into it they don't learn anything from the woman who was in that fucking dystopian tale out in the desert.
Oh, she doesn't wear any makeup. Charlize Theron.
What was that movie? Mad Max. Mad Max.
Was it Mad Maxine? To me, that's a fine balance. I could just get a shit cut every two months and save the bucks, but that boost from my ladies is well worth it.

All right, so wait, so what are you paying?

Every five to six weeks, you're paying 100 bucks.

We'll say five weeks times 52.

No, not times 52.

Five into 52 is 10 with two weeks left over.

We're throwing an extra haircut. That's 1,050.
Forget about the tip. Anyway, last point here.
This stuck-up chick attitude that men have at simple is such horseshit. Well, you know something? I've kind of gotten to this point where rather than getting upset

that women are oh that just everything straight across the board it's just harder for them we get our periods we have to give birth we have it's more expensive for our haircuts it's harder for us to lose weight da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da-do, all of that fucking shit, right? What I really do now is what I try to do is find the blessing in the fact that I'm a man and that I can actually attain happiness. Not saying I did it, okay? Because I'm a fucked up dude but like as a man happiness is way more attainable alright because we are simple okay I had to write yesterday on a Sunday which sucks but I to tell you something.
I went outside

with my little laptop,

did a Zoom call with my partner

and I just thought to myself, you know what?

If I have to write on a football Sunday,

I want to make

myself a little espresso and I'm going to smoke

a fucking cigar.

And I sat out in the backyard

and I was smoking a cigar

and I was working but I was still happy. Like men have the ability to do that.
And God knows I don't understand women, but when I look at them, you know, it's, it's like that whole menstruation cycle and all of that stuff. Don't look at it selfishly.
Like, Oh, she's being a bitch. It's like when whole menstruation cycle and all of that stuff.

Don't look at it selfishly like, oh, she's being a bitch.

It's like when that happens, it fucking sends their hormones

bouncing off the fucking walls.

I can't imagine what that's like.

It has to suck.

And your only freedom from it is being pregnant,

which also has to suck.

Or you're old,

and then you got to go through the fucking, whatever, the menopause shit. So, I think that they're always looking at us because we're just sitting, and we're just sitting there in the backyard smoking a cigar, going, dude, you see, watch his face, had eight catches.
And the dumbest thing that you can do, I've always said this, you don't argue with a woman. All right.
That's a fucking away game. And the refs are from her town.
You're going to lose. The next time they just talk about how their life is harder, just agree with them.
Just be like, yeah, man, that's got to suck. I'm so happy I'm a man.
I have a simple brain. I have simple wants and needs.
You know, I never look over the fence at women and think, oh, man, how come they get that and I don't? Like they can go in, look hard and not pay for a fucking drink. It doesn't bother me.
If I was a woman, that would bother me. And that would become my focus.
And I try to start a movement that women need to buy men drinks just as much as we buy them drinks.

Like that bullshit.

But I'm not. I'm just a dumb guy.

So I say, hey, alright, I guess that's how it is.

What are you drinking there, sweetheart?

I don't give a fuck.

So there's this really a...

You know, I can tell you this,

and it's also a very Zen thing to do.

Because they think that you're listening to them and you're hearing them.

It all depends how you say,

yeah, you know,

that's got to suck.

Then she'll probably say,

fuck you,

and then laugh because she wanted to fight with you,

you know,

just to take her mind off of whatever the fuck is going on internally in her body. But this is the thing, you know, I wish I knew this a long time ago.
You don't argue, you agree when it comes to shit like that. You know, look at this guy.
This guy sat there and he fucking figured out how much he's paying for a fucking hair card versus what she's paying, time

in the chair, all of that shit, that's fucking guy

shit, analytic shit, you know, you're getting

out the clipboard, you got on a headset, all of a

sudden you feel like you're in the NFL,

just take their word for it,

sounds like it sucks,

you know,

have fun with that, who gives a fuck, anyway, that's just my two cents. All right.
Black man haircut reporting in. Oh, okay.
All right. Because that was the one thing that I brought up.
I was just like, well, if you're a black guy, they kind of go like, it seems to me once every once a week to 10 days. He said, you mentioned how black men get a haircut every 10 days.
I'm emailing you to confirm that you're right around the money, at least for me. Hey, not bad for a fucking ginger.
I maintain a bit of an afro with trim sides, so I go about every two weeks or so to trim the hedges I feel though as a I feel as though black afros can easily be seen as unkempt after a month due to how some part of the head can grow at a different pace than other parts so when you pick out your afro it looks it looks like a lumpy ass sorry

not only do I not have my glasses but my cell phone screen is cracked yes it is cracked because i threw my phone what was i anger angry about i don't remember um also there is something to be said about how crisp a line up a lineup looks on a black man i think it may be contrast, but it looks and feels good. Can I weigh in on that as a white person? There is a fine line between being lined up and looking fucking geometrically bizarre.
I've seen somebody, the fucking skill set of these bar fucking, my hat's off to you. It's fucking amazing.
But, like, when they do, like, the straight across, straight down, then the cul-de-sac on the side, into the fucking beard, down to the mustache, I mean, it looks like a, you start to look a little Picasso to me. You know, it doesn't look natural to come walking out of a barbershop looking like a CEO's yard there's everything but hedges it's a little fucking wild um anyway the person says a great man and then you fucking line up the eyebrows too it's.
It's like you're starting to look like an alien. A great man once said, a black man dies twice in his life.
The first time is when their hairline recedes. Why? You guys all look great when you shave your head.
Unless you got that fucking lump in the back or a flathead. That's never good either.
Happy Friday and gently love yourself.

All right.

I like it.

Black guys weighing in on the haircuts this week.

Black guys haircuts.

Old Big Billy the Badass Burr.

I'm replying to the one you read you had about Boston haircuts.

You were correct with your assumption that black men get their haircuts more frequently.

I'm a black fellow from Roxbury originally,

but now live in Malden, the old M-towns.

Malden, Medford, Marblehead.

Before I learned how to scalp and line myself

during the pandemic, what a perfect time to do it,

because if you fuck it up, no one was going to see it.

I was paying about 40 to 50 bucks every two weeks yeah kind of seems like everybody's coming in around a thousand a year and that timeline pushing it also I'd like to add in that being black you just can't go to little Jimmy's barbershop.

You have to find a place that for one,

uh,

doesn't gasp when you walk in the fucking place because they know how to cut my grain of hair.

But also if they don't use a T liner or a razor for the lineup,

you're going to get a shitty cut. So traveling plays into it too.
I live in Malden. Oh boy.
I have to go to Dorchester or Roxbury to not look crazy. Oh wow.
That's all. Have a great day.
Have a great holiday season. Yeah.
And also from what my friends have told me. The Black eye barbershop is one of the great hangs in america as far as everybody having a good time telling stories i'm at one time uh what's his face i was doing ed lover's show legendary ed lover and he was telling me about the barbershop and how you'd be in there hanging out and then the VCR guy would come in or the DVD player guy would come in or the guy with the DVDs like salesmen would come in there with items and I was like that's a fucking utopia you're hanging out right laughing your ass off with the fellas you get your haircut and you're knocking out your fucking shopping all at the same time it sounded fucking perfect to me um anyway sports today sucks yeah i don't want to be the old man saying it's It's just different.
It's just, it's definitely different.

And I don't know.

But like, I've been watching like,

like college football is still great.

I've been watching college hoops now.

Two things is great about college hoops.

It looks the way pro hoop used to look.

It's not everybody's shooting threes.

And then secondly,

there's still a lot of old basketball barns that they're playing in which are really cool um like i watched the end of that a lion i was at tennessee game fucking great game uh tennessee won with that last second coast to coast layup um but i was looking at i was like man look at that look where the fight and the Lion-Eye play lion I play, man. That's fucking great.
And next year, I'm going to be, when I'm in New York City, I want to go to a game, St. John's.
I want to start going to some college basketball games. I think that's just what you do.
You just sort of like, I think it's really important to not tell young people that they miss the best era and just being that asshole. You know, just let them enjoy everybody shooting threes.
I mean, that's the game they know. But I get what you're saying.
All right. Hey there, old Billy the Balding Bricktop.
I'm not sure how to get my 10-year-old son to stop flexing and or dunking on people.

He's a great kid, but he is obsessed with sports and embraced the flexing alpha,

this is my house bullshit that you see in sports nowadays.

I know, regardless of the score, too.

You can be down by 30 points and make a good play,

and then you just fucking nod and like, look what I just did.

I've tried showing him some examples of the more humble, let your playing do the talking type of players. Nick Chubb, Joey Voto, et cetera.
Yes, we're from Ohio. Barry Sanders was a great example of that.
Fucking nine guys laying on the field with broken ankles. And then he would just casually hand the ball back to the referee.
It was amazing. I thought that that was so much colder than, you know, doing the other shit.
However, like, I don't mind a few guys doing, like, there was sort of the perfect balance, you know, at some point between guys with big personalities. Like I said, Butch Johnson, Billy White Shoes Johnson, Mark Gastineau or whatever, having a few of those guys.
But once everybody did it, then it just, I don't know, it kind of loses its impact, I feel. And also, yeah, if you're doing a dance after just making a fucking catch and it's still second and four, I don't understand that.
You're doing an end zone dance because you got a first down. Anyway, I've tried showing him some example.
Okay, the more humble. Okay, it just doesn't seem to sink in, and I guess that shouldn't come as a surprise.
Every sporting event on TV has five players celebrating after a five yards pass or, air quote, posterizing an opponent when they're already up 20. My favorite is the cornerback in the NFL who gives up a completion, but then jumps up and flexes or gives the safe sign from baseball as if to say, not in my house.
I'm always thinking, but you gave up a completion. uh i'm really my favorite thing is when the dude gets beat and it's a bad ball the quarterback overthrows him and then he's fucking you know saying incomplete you know you can't get open it's like the dude was open it was just a bad play so the corner should not be celebrated I'm really trying to show him you don't have to do that shit to be a great player, but it's an uphill battle.
Everything now is about flexing and dunking on your opponent. Oh yeah.
And just taking in, you're in awe of yourself. The kicker is that he's pretty damn good, a pretty damn good athlete.
Definitely near the top of his class in baseball and soccer and pretty good at basketball, too. And I love sports, too.
There's nothing better than throwing the old pigskin around in the backyard with him. But fuck me.
Sports todays are annoying as shit. Don't even get me started on the super dads who want to sign up to play in tournaments three states away every goddamn weekend.
How do I show them the way? Love the show when you stand up and go fuck yourself. You holiday pie crust making motherfucker.
How do I show them the way? You let me know, dude. You've been a father longer than me um i don't know how you do that because they're gonna imitate you know what they saw i remember like when we were on the playground we would be imitating kareem's skyhook um we used to do we used to do like impressions the foul shots like we could do all of them robert Parrish.
Oh, another guy we used to do, we used to do like impressions, the foul shots, like we could do all of them.

Robert Parrish.

Um, oh, we, another guy we used to do, who was, who was the guy from, because Celta always played the Lakers.

Um, Jamal Wilkes.

He'd bring the ball up and around his head and then shoot it.

Um, and I remember a kid tried to do that and he somehow scratched his face with his

own fingernail.

Outdoor recess. Um, I don't know, but I mean mean i think if you're like involved in that i think it sounds like your kids still what do you say 10 or 11 like that age i feel like they're very influenced but as they get older um brains more developed i think you can have like a conversation of, or maybe subtly show them highlights, you know, of these guys that you're talking about and saying how, and getting the person to understand how psychological like sports are.

And I always felt like if someone was behaving that way,

it wouldn't break my spirit.

It would fuel me to fucking lay the person out.

Whereas if you're just fucking beating somebody and you're just quiet about it

and they have nothing to feed off of

other than their own failure, that takes them down half a gear. Unless they have the ability, they're strong enough to fight that silence.
It's kind of like arguing with a woman. Like silence, if you're right, that's what what you go with you go with silence and you let

them you know say all this crazy shit trying to spin the argument into another direction and you just sit there and it's just it's like a fire it just burns itself out like silence is a very powerful thing um how funny is that i just talked by myself for a fucking hour and I'm giving you guys a fucking lecture on silence.

I'm a fucking idiot.

All right, that's the podcast.

Go fuck yourselves.

And I will check in on you on Thursday.

Have a great week.

Good luck with your shopping.

And always know you don't really have to do this.

You do not have to participate.