Monday Morning Podcast 12-16-24

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, December 16th, 2024.
What's going on, Hawaii?

Speaker 1 There's only nine days left before here comes Santa Claus. Here comes Santa Claus.
Skipping all the Jews

Speaker 1 and the Muslims and the Buddhists.

Speaker 1 But he's coming for you.

Speaker 1 He never talks about Jesus, but he's on the same team, according to corporations. How did it get so fucking out of hand?

Speaker 1 Me and my lovely wife took the kids to see Santa Claus the other day. My daughter's almost eight, so she's already going.
That's not the real Santa Claus at the mall.

Speaker 1 And I'm looking at her like, hey, that's not the half of it.

Speaker 1 It's so crazy that you start their life with that big fucking lie. And then, you know,

Speaker 1 as a parent, like, I feel like lying to them about Santa Claus is they gradually figure it out. I feel like Donnie Brosco, like I'm wearing a wire.

Speaker 1 And, you know, you know, Donnie started to feel for Al Pacino's character. He felt bad and everything.
These are my kids. How do you think I feel?

Speaker 1 She's starting to figure it out. She already figured out the tooth fairy.
I mean, that's an easy one.

Speaker 1 It's also good when you hear that, when they figure out,

Speaker 1 you know, they figure it out.

Speaker 1 There's a part of you that's a little sad because they're getting older or whatever, but then there's another part of you, like

Speaker 1 it would be as sad as it as it is that they figure it out, it would be even more concerning if they didn't.

Speaker 1 You don't have a 16-year-old kid going, and I

Speaker 1 a two-ferry, and on a Santa Claus come down a chimney. Then you're like, oh, no boy, all right, all right, all right, get in the car, get in the car.

Speaker 1 Anyways, yes, we brought him over there. It's so fucking annoying.

Speaker 1 So fucking annoying. Everywhere you go now, it's like, you know, I just go into the parking garage because if you valet the car, you need to give them your phone number and your name.

Speaker 1 And if you don't get the text message, then they can't valet your car. It's like, park my fucking car

Speaker 1 i'm not giving you my fucking phone number so then you can say oh we don't sell it hey you don't sell it

Speaker 1 the guy over there under the umbrella he doesn't sell it the fucking nerd that put this thing together whoever the fuck he works for is selling this shit

Speaker 1 it's so fucking ridiculous Then we go to see Santa Claus. My wife sets the whole thing up and it's good.
You can go in. She had to like, they had to zap something with her phone,

Speaker 1 and then it's like they have her name, and then my kids go in, they get a picture of us, and they sell all of that shit.

Speaker 1 I don't know who the fuck buys it, I don't know how much more information these fucking slimy corporations have to get off to get from you.

Speaker 1 But parking your car and going to see some guy in a Santa suit, you leave, they like end up knowing where you live.

Speaker 1 These random ass fucking people.

Speaker 1 And that's my thing with all you fucking stupid cunts

Speaker 1 who are so fucking loyal to a political party and all they do is just sell you out. When was the last time a fucking politician stood up to a corporation and said, that's enough?

Speaker 1 How often does that occasionally?

Speaker 1 And then what happens? A few years, yeah, yeah, fuck you. We're doing it anyway.

Speaker 1 I remember that in New York City when they put the fucking TV screens in the back of the cabs and New Yorkers didn't want them and they were like fucking stabbing them and shit.

Speaker 1 So they're like, all right, yeah, forget it. Then a few years later, not only did they come back, they came back even bigger.
I remember when the fucking cops, the pigs, man, the

Speaker 1 remember that from the 70s? Eat it, you stinking pig. The cops up in San Francisco literally came up

Speaker 1 with like this RoboCop thing. And everyone in San Francisco is like, yeah, we don't want that.
And they go, yeah, well, you're getting it. And then they just kept saying, no,

Speaker 1 we don't want it. And you know what? The best they did? They said, okay, for now.

Speaker 1 And it's like, dude, fuck you. You work for us.

Speaker 1 You work for us. We don't want that.
We don't want robot cops walking around with the ability to fucking blow your brains out. Now, now sell it to me.
Sell it to me with the fucking scenario.

Speaker 1 With the scenario and act like it's only out there to get bad guys rather than to have a ridiculous level of a skill set to keep the masses at bay bay when these fucking robber barons consolidate everything into one massive company for fucking six people.

Speaker 1 I am on one right now.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 I'm telling you, that's why, you know,

Speaker 1 I'm going back to an older car. Fuck all of these cars with their fucking GPS and all of that.

Speaker 1 You've bugged your life.

Speaker 1 That's what you've done. You walk around with the phone.
Before you get to your house, shut off the fucking locations.

Speaker 1 Stupid fucking thing. It just sits here, just

Speaker 1 gaining information, listening to your conversations, all of this shit. It's just these fucking corporations, they're literally listening in on your fucking life with these algorithms.

Speaker 1 It's beyond intrusive. And there's not one fucking politician out there effectively standing up to these fucking guys.

Speaker 1 And it's because politicians are all grossly underpaid, and they are grossly underpaid. So rich people can entice them with bribes, which are now legal in the form of a gratuity.

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 1 So I don't want to see you walking around with your stupid blue hat or your fucking red hat

Speaker 1 thinking you're on the team. You're not in the team, you're in the fucking crowd.

Speaker 1 I still can't believe somebody from McDonald's ratted out that fucking Luigi kid. That's all it took, 50 grand?

Speaker 1 50 grand. Why? Because McDonald's is so underpaying you with no benefits.

Speaker 1 They got us all by the fucking bulls. It's not going to be all gloom and doom, people.
It's not going to be all gloom and doon. I did have a fucking morning, though.

Speaker 1 We had to get up early, handle some bullshit.

Speaker 1 And then my stupid car,

Speaker 1 my left front tire was down a couple pounds of pressure. And then I have exclamation points all over my fucking dashboard.

Speaker 1 I thought I was out of oil or something.

Speaker 1 So it says, you know, hit okay. I hit okay.

Speaker 1 Five seconds later, it all pops up again. Just nagging you, nagging you, nagging you, nagging you.
It's like, I'm going to fucking put hair in it.

Speaker 1 You know, back in the day, we never had that shit. All you had was you had one of those little fucking things.

Speaker 1 All right? You had the sticker inside your door. You knew what the pressure was supposed to be.

Speaker 1 You took that little fucking and that little silver thing, you put it on your tire, and the end would fucking stick out like a dog dick, and it would tell you how many pounds of pressure you had.

Speaker 1 And then you knew how to set the thing. I can't remember how to do any of that anymore.
Because of these stupid fucking things.

Speaker 1 And my car is like nine years old. Forget about my wife's car that's just fucking

Speaker 1 the side view mirrors. Anytime anybody goes by, it's like blinking red and shit.
And then, meanwhile, they're like, hey, don't drive distracted.

Speaker 1 Don't drive distracted.

Speaker 1 I have information on the inside, like

Speaker 1 on the

Speaker 1 windshield. You're like projecting information, like how fast I'm driving.
It's like the speedometer is right there.

Speaker 1 So what's going to happen if I just go another fucking half a click with my eyeballs down to the actual speedometer? That's worth putting shit on the windshield, like the place I'm looking out.

Speaker 1 What I think is they're actually trying trying to cause accidents

Speaker 1 with all of these cars so they can justify the self-driving cars.

Speaker 1 And a self-driving car, everybody, you know,

Speaker 1 is going to be all excited. Oh my God, wow, you know, some people would be paranoid, right?

Speaker 1 But the people that are excited for that fucking technology because you can take a nap, it's like, that's not your car anymore. It's a fucking police car.

Speaker 1 So you can have these fucking robocops going around. Your whole fucking house is going to be bugged.
They're going to be listening to you.

Speaker 1 And if you say the wrong fucking thing, you're going to get in your car, you think you're making a left to the gym, and it goes to the right to the re-education fucking center.

Speaker 1 And why is that?

Speaker 1 Why is that? Because the Tesla guy, the Amazon guy, and all of these guys were fucking nerds and they couldn't bang cheerleaders.

Speaker 1 So now they have to go out in the world and reshape it, and they have to make a billion dollars just to get a beautiful woman to look at them.

Speaker 1 I told you, I'm fucking on one. So I fucking take my ATM.
God,

Speaker 1 I'm at the gas station, and the guy's fucking pumping my tires up like I'm a fucking housewife because I don't have that little magic wand thing anymore.

Speaker 1 I'm sick of the dashboard doing all of this shit at me, right?

Speaker 1 It's so funny that it does that, but it tells me to only change the oil once a year because it's synthetic oil. You got to do whatever you cut it in half.

Speaker 1 Whatever they say, you cut it in half because they want you to wear out your engine.

Speaker 1 I know, you guys all think I'm paranoid. You know, am I paranoid? Probably.

Speaker 1 Probably. Am I informed? Uh, no.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I got, people?

Speaker 1 I got instinct.

Speaker 1 The same way I know my neighbor has a telescope and he acts like he's looking at the stars. We all know what he's looking at.

Speaker 1 Okay? He's looking in the windows of other fucking people. Why? Because he doesn't own a corporation.
If he owned a corporation, he wouldn't need the telescope.

Speaker 1 He could just fucking tap into the smart TV and watch you fucking banging your wife on your L-shaped couch.

Speaker 1 Anyway, what the fuck was I just talking about?

Speaker 1 this is, I'm not going to lie to you, this is a lot for the first 11 minutes on a Monday.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's right, but I got instinct.

Speaker 1 That's what I just go with. If you just kind of look out in the world and when somebody says they're trying to help you, just always think

Speaker 1 that human beings, for the most part, are only doing things for themselves. So

Speaker 1 they're always selling you. on how this is going to help you and it's going to help your life and make things easier and you'll finally find happiness and fill the void.

Speaker 1 That's what they're always selling, but it never fucking happens. But what you're doing is just

Speaker 1 putting money or control into their pocket because they think that that's going to fill the void.

Speaker 1 All right, but the reality is, is nothing

Speaker 1 man-made

Speaker 1 fills that void,

Speaker 1 all right?

Speaker 1 It's getting dark.

Speaker 1 It's other things. Other things fill the void.

Speaker 1 You know, watching my son crack an egg trying to help me make waffles and watching him just smush it and all the shells go into the fucking mix and it made me laugh my ass off.

Speaker 1 That's the only thing for a moment. And then you go right back to the fucking grind.

Speaker 1 I'm going to become, I'm going to be probably considered agoric phobic within the next three years because I don't think there's going to be any place that you can travel to.

Speaker 1 You know, I told you, like, a week ago, I'm in New York, and I go down to get breakfast. What room are you in?

Speaker 1 And I said, why? She goes, I need to know what room you're in. I said, why? She goes, all right, just forget it.
It's like, why are you mad at me?

Speaker 1 Why do you need to know what fucking room I'm in? I'm not paying a bill right now. You're not going to be involved in the transaction.

Speaker 1 Like, what am I doing? I feel like, you know, pretty soon you're going to go to a fucking greasy spoon and you can't get in there without a passport.

Speaker 1 And they're just going to want to know where you are the entire fucking time.

Speaker 1 Why do they need that level of control?

Speaker 1 If they're actually doing good shit for us, why would they need that level of control? They're going to need that level of control.

Speaker 1 If you need to know where everybody is at all fucking times and what they're doing,

Speaker 1 they're paranoid. I just say, I used to

Speaker 1 paranoid. Scarface.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're paranoid because

Speaker 1 I think that whatever the fuck is coming, they know that we're not going to be into it. That's my theory.
Here comes Santa Claus. Here comes Santa Claus.
Right down Santa Claus Lane.

Speaker 1 Do you think the reindeers are AI at this point?

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 Is he phasing out Rudolph?

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Where do you go from here? I actually had a great night last night. Just today, today was a little fucking,

Speaker 1 it's a little much. It's a little much.
You know, the weekend, going to see Santa Claus, and they're getting into your phone and shit. It's like, what the fuck are we doing here?

Speaker 1 And just watching everybody doing it, like,

Speaker 1 okay, okay.

Speaker 1 Nobody thinking.

Speaker 1 You know, I bring it up to my wife. She rolls her eyes.
I mean, I mean,

Speaker 1 we got to get the pictures.

Speaker 1 The herd is moving this way. She's right.

Speaker 1 So this morning,

Speaker 1 the guy's filling up my tires. I don't have any fucking money, and I want to give him a tip, you know, like a good housewife when another man fills up the tires on your cart.

Speaker 1 So I go over the fucking ATM. It says, don't remove card transaction processing, right?

Speaker 1 And I'm sitting there going, like, hitting clear, hitting exit, and it still says that on the screen. And this little voice in my head said, Bill, don't put your ATM card in there.

Speaker 1 But my need to be liked overrode that instinct.

Speaker 1 I told you earlier I have instinct. I don't necessarily listen to it.
But

Speaker 1 my desire to not have this guy who's filling up my tires think I'm a fucking asshole for not throwing him a couple of bucks for doing it overrode it. And I stuck it in.
The screen stayed the same.

Speaker 1 And now I couldn't get my ATM card out. I am proud of myself that I didn't lose my shit.
It's a great gas station, though. The guy goes, all right.
He just went in the garage.

Speaker 1 He came out with one of those needle-nose pliers. He put a piece of paper over it, like, you know, that brown paper that you dry your hands off with.

Speaker 1 He folded it up, stuck it over the card so he wouldn't damage the card. He put the pliers on and then turned the thing and pulled it right out.

Speaker 1 And I was immediately like, this is a fucking great gas station. I bet this guy has fair prices.
You know, very rare.

Speaker 1 Very rare. As opposed to running to the corporate lizard person that you usually run into

Speaker 1 and the scared minions that he has all pitted against one another.

Speaker 1 Oh my god. If I was running shit, I would fucking round up all of these CEOs in their athletic wear fucking suits.
Why do they all wear those fucking suits that you can still do yoga in?

Speaker 1 I feel like they're all on the same diet.

Speaker 1 They're probably fucking AI. Who knows? I mean, let's just go with this.
So last night I did the goddamn comedy jam with Josh Adam Myers,

Speaker 1 and we did a soft rock song called Yacht Rock by people who weren't alive when this shit came out.

Speaker 1 Soft rock, this song Ambrosia, Biggest Part of Me.

Speaker 1 And it was fucking hilarious because, you know, Josh Adam Myers has a deep voice, you know. He sounds like a pirate, you know.
And

Speaker 1 this is really a high song.

Speaker 1 So he texted me a few weeks ago, asked me if if I wanted to do the jam. And I was like, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then I sent him that song more as a listen to this song. And then he just said, you want to do this song? And I was like, yeah.

Speaker 1 There's no fucking crazy fills in it.

Speaker 1 It's just 16th notes on the, you know, if I just get my arm in shape so I don't stay relaxed. I don't feel like my arm's going to fall off.

Speaker 1 So I thought it'd be easy because I'm writing this. finishing up this script and I didn't have time to play that much.
And

Speaker 1 I ended up digging into the song, and I'm like, wait a minute, there's so much fucking shit going on in this song.

Speaker 1 Every time I hear it, I hear something else that the drummer's doing. Forget about everybody else in the band.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I was like, wow, I go, this

Speaker 1 the reality is, is no song is really easy. when you're a guitar-centered dad drummer.

Speaker 1 There's always like mind, like, I'm trying to think the last time,

Speaker 1 like, remember that guy, like, I'm trying to think of like a song that didn't blow my mind.

Speaker 1 And sometimes it can blow my mind with the simplicity of it. And you want to say it's stupid, but then you're watching 80,000 people losing their shit.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, as simple as it is, I still can't do that. So there's always something that blows your mind about it.

Speaker 1 And you remember that group? What was it? Laughing My Ass Off?

Speaker 1 I'm Sexy and I Know It?

Speaker 1 Like, Like, whenever I listen to that song, that song fits perfectly into a movie to me of guys driving to a nightclub to rob it.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 the head guy isn't there. They get in, they fuck up a couple of guards, they get the safe,

Speaker 1 and as they're doing that, you're cutting to the fucking head honcher guy, the Tony Soprano that owns it. He's pulling in to add to the tension.
You're going to get out.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 the club is packed. And I always felt like that part where they had the breakdown, you'd have the Tony Soprano guy who's on the stairs, realizing his safe got robbed, and he's looking across.

Speaker 1 And he looks across, and we're right in the middle of the dance floor. And our eyes meet, and he knows who the fuck we are.

Speaker 1 And then that's that part. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle that part.
Yeah, and I just feel like that's them running through the dancers.

Speaker 1 And then the end of the song, they get away

Speaker 1 as the cops are showing up they they take off their masks

Speaker 1 throw them out the window right as the cops go past them on the other side

Speaker 1 you know you wouldn't think you'd think all that just listening to that song

Speaker 1 it's a short film it's a it's a perfect score to a short film

Speaker 1 you know it works it's very dramatic. And then that I'm sexy.
And I know it's just like a

Speaker 1 club song.

Speaker 1 I don't know. You guys probably think I'm all nuts.
Speaking of that, I mentioned last week I saw that Dochi

Speaker 1 Tiny Desk

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 I butchered the bass player's name

Speaker 1 because somebody else, in defense of me, somebody else wrote it, spelled it wrong

Speaker 1 on the YouTube page. Because that's why I went to YouTube to see if somebody was going to to name a band member's name so I could figure something out.
So it's Zuri Appleby, A-P-P-L-E-B-Y.

Speaker 1 I probably still said it wrong.

Speaker 1 She was nice enough to post all the band members. So D.
Simone on drums. I'm going to say this because no one ever talks about,

Speaker 1 most people don't even tour the fucking band anymore. Tyler Victoria, guitar.
Keisha Potter on saxophone. Tatiana Tate on trumpet.
Background singers were

Speaker 1 Brenne and Amani, and then her hype person was DJ Miss Milan.

Speaker 1 And I'm telling you,

Speaker 1 go watch that, okay?

Speaker 1 If you just went to go see fucking Santa Claus and you had to like give him your social security number, if you just want to see the fact that there's human beings that can still sing live and play instruments and all that, I'm telling you,

Speaker 1 check that thing out. All right.
And with that,

Speaker 1 I didn't watch any

Speaker 1 two fucking weekends in a row. I haven't watched a second of football.
I just watched the highlights and I didn't even do that this weekend.

Speaker 1 I mean, granted, I was writing yesterday, but I have no idea what the fuck is going on.

Speaker 1 What I do know is that last week, I was just like, I'm just going to bet dumb shit. And I went three and one.
And then, like a fucking asshole, I did it again this week. I shouldn't have done that.

Speaker 1 I should have bet what I knew this week because, you know, you're never going to figure it out. So

Speaker 1 I was going 0-2 the last time I checked my scores

Speaker 1 or whatever. But

Speaker 1 I'll be honest with you, I'm kind of a college sports guy now.

Speaker 1 You know, before they fuck all of that up, I told you I saw that stupid fucking CEO who's talking about now that he can pay players.

Speaker 1 And he was saying, like, you know, this is a tremendous opportunity.

Speaker 1 That's how they look at everything.

Speaker 1 That's how they look at global warming. Global warming isn't like the end of our ability to live on the planet.
These fucking reptiles look at it as a tremendous opportunity.

Speaker 1 If we can privatize water and we own all the water, our profits will be exponential. And then these fucking goddamn politicians sit back and do nothing about it, right? So this fucking

Speaker 1 CEO cunt

Speaker 1 was saying how because they now have to pay players

Speaker 1 and how they, you know, there's going to be this competition now. We'll give you more.
Oh, no, we'll give you more. And it's going to be like that.

Speaker 1 That now these college football programs will now be up for sale.

Speaker 1 And this CEO cunt can then come in and own 51%

Speaker 1 of like Alabama or USC or Notre Dame. I mean, that's fucking insane.

Speaker 1 It's fucking insane. It's fucking insane.
It's always some fucking,

Speaker 1 like, I love how people watch that Shark Tank show. It's like, you like those people?

Speaker 1 Those people seem like good people. What do they do? What do they do? They just sit back.
I have more money than you. I don't have any fucking ideas.
You have an idea.

Speaker 1 Okay, I can make money with that idea. Here we go.
I'm going to, you know, know, and I get it. The person with the idea needs them.
But the level that they bend them over,

Speaker 1 that they're immediately going to have control and blah, blah, blah, and all that fucking shit.

Speaker 1 And you know what they're going to do. You know what's going to happen.
They're going to get in business with one of those sharks.

Speaker 1 They're not sharks. That show should be called cunts.
Should be called greedy cunts. And then what happens is they're going to have the control of it.

Speaker 1 So when you put it out on the market and the money comes in, guess where it's going?

Speaker 1 Guess where it goes? It goes to the fucking greedy cunt, and then he cuts you a check.

Speaker 1 He tells you how much money you made. You don't get to see any of that

Speaker 1 unless you audit them. And then what's amazing about an audit to me is if they only stole, if they steal less than a certain percentage,

Speaker 1 then you know they're not responsible for the audit. There's something that they can do.

Speaker 1 So they basically

Speaker 1 say it's okay to steal a certain portion from the person. That's kind of how it's set up.
Um, I found that in every fucking thing I've gotten involved in,

Speaker 1 you know, that the check always goes to the other person, you know.

Speaker 1 And it's like, wait a minute, I thought we were getting in business to make money off of them, and what you end up finding out is that you're part of the them.

Speaker 1 I remember that when I did a deal when i had a cd and i had made the whole thing and they want comedy central wanted me to give up ownership of it and i was like yeah no i'm not doing that

Speaker 1 and the guy in the meeting goes well you know ownership shouldn't be that big a deal for you it should be like should be about exposure and i said but let me ask you this if ownership isn't that shouldn't be that big a deal for me why is it such a big deal for you

Speaker 1 And for whatever reason, he told me, he said, well, you know, if we have a CD that goes out there and it doesn't sell well, we need to like cover our losses.

Speaker 1 And it's like, well, it's not my fault you picked some fucking hack that didn't sell any CDs. Now I got to pay for it.

Speaker 1 So I didn't do it with them. I got in business with these other people.
So we do a 60-40 split.

Speaker 1 I get 60, they get 40.

Speaker 1 But I was a kid and I didn't realize that I was getting 60 off the net.

Speaker 1 The net, and they were getting 40 off of the gross.

Speaker 1 And then all the expenses came out of my pocket. I had to pay, they didn't pay for anything.
I had to pay for production of them. I had to pay for

Speaker 1 the shipping of them. All the expenses of making the CD and ship, they didn't share those expenses.
I had to pay for all of those.

Speaker 1 So my 60%, they had 40% off the gross. Like we take in $100,

Speaker 1 we get $40 of that. But you're going to get $60.
And then out of that $60, I had to pay for

Speaker 1 all the expenses of making the CD, which then made me make less money than them. And then also the way that deal was set up, there was no fucking way

Speaker 1 that they were going to lose money. Like if I sold zero CDs, they still wouldn't lose any money because I was paying for

Speaker 1 all of the

Speaker 1 labor to make them and ship them.

Speaker 1 Worst case scenario,

Speaker 1 I'm taking up space in their fucking warehouse, which they probably then would have charged to me.

Speaker 1 That's how business works. So those shark tank guys can all go fuck themselves, and you shouldn't be looking at them like they're these great people

Speaker 1 and that you aspire. I want to be one of those shark guys one day.
I want to be out there fucking people over. Like, I don't understand why people get in business and, like,

Speaker 1 you know, you want to do that to the person you're getting in business with. I thought you're like a partner.
All right, that's it. I'm off my fucking

Speaker 1 I'm off my goddamn stump here. Let's

Speaker 1 let's do the let's do the reads here for the week.

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Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Manascalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Here we go. The sell-by date.
All right, so I was bringing this up, yet another fucking scam. In California, they're getting rid of the

Speaker 1 sell-by date at grocery stores. And they were saying that this would save the consumer a bunch of fucking money.
And I don't buy it, but this person writing in does.

Speaker 1 It says, Dear Billy Balsack, you got the sell-by date ban in California all wrong.

Speaker 1 This is a pro-consumer bill.

Speaker 1 Sell-by dates will be going away, but best if used by and used by will become the new standard because those designations actually indicate whether the food is still good.

Speaker 1 I think you got it all wrong, sir.

Speaker 1 The sell-by date

Speaker 1 was created because people were getting food poisoning.

Speaker 1 That's what it was for. Sell it by this date, because if you sell it after this date, it could possibly go bad while the person is still consuming it and they could get sick.

Speaker 1 Now they're getting rid of that, and they're telling me that this is a good thing. I listened to the story.

Speaker 1 They told me because of the sell-by date, people were pouring perfectly good milk down the drain, and then they had to go buy more milk. And that was costing them money.
And dog gonet,

Speaker 1 corporations don't want you to come back and have to buy more milk after you put perfectly good milk down the drain.

Speaker 1 Why, that would cost consumers more money and would make corporations more money. They don't want that.
They're out here to protect you, dude.

Speaker 1 They're never out there for you.

Speaker 1 Nothing is out there for you. Back in the day, you had the Better Business Bureau, that was for you.
You had the FDA, that was for you.

Speaker 1 But that has been infiltrated by corporations, former employees, to go in and change these fucking laws. This is not for you.
This is not to save you fucking money.

Speaker 1 This is so they can continue to sell shit that they probably either the grocery store got stuck with it or the corporations had to buy it back or didn't get paid on and they were sick of it.

Speaker 1 And there's some number-crunching algorithm fucking nerd

Speaker 1 sitting there trying to figure out how they could make more money this quarter. That's That's what that is.

Speaker 1 Okay? Nothing is for the consumer.

Speaker 1 Okay? These self-driving cars, all of these bing, bong, bing fucking lights they're put in other car. None of that is for you or for your fucking safety.
All right? None of that is for you.

Speaker 1 It's for them to add something new to the car so to make your other car look like it's older because it doesn't have the new shiny shit.

Speaker 1 Now, I know a lot of that safety stuff obviously saved people's lives along the fucking way, but just know know this, they were never doing it for you.

Speaker 1 They were doing it for them because they don't want to get fucking sued.

Speaker 1 All right? None of it. None of it is for you.

Speaker 1 Maybe back in the day, back in the day when government, when corporations were regulated.

Speaker 1 But I would say once in the 80s when they deregulated everything, that's when it really started getting fucking hostile.

Speaker 1 And now we're in a world where it's just like, hey, I bought this product, it sucks. And it's just, what do I talk to nobody? I go on a website and I have to figure it out.

Speaker 1 And if I can't figure it out, who do I go to? There's no one to go to anymore.

Speaker 1 I don't know. You can call me cynical.
Have fun drinking that fucking milk or whatever, whatever the hell they're doing and believing in that. I don't believe in it.
All right.

Speaker 1 And to be honest with you, to be fair, I don't think either one of us.

Speaker 1 Could say whether or not we have it all wrong or not, because neither one of us was in the meeting when people actually came up with the plan.

Speaker 1 But I think at this point, the fact that corporations are consolidating everything, which used to be called a monopoly, it's safe to say that

Speaker 1 your best interests are not being looked at.

Speaker 1 So I think a healthy level of cynicism. Probably not to the level that I've taken it.

Speaker 1 But, you know, whatever. You know,

Speaker 1 go drink your fucking milk.

Speaker 1 Billy Cable News. Hey, Billy, love seeing you and Verzee's mugs on CNN.
Yeah, those fucking whores. Like, they gave a shit about that story.
They're like, this is going viral.

Speaker 1 Let's sit down and pretend we care about it and get some views.

Speaker 1 Yeah, fuck that man, Fox News.

Speaker 1 He says, I don't watch that shit, but I saw the clips. My favorite thing about it all is how people thought you were advocating the shooting of a CEO by vigilante citizens.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, that's what they always do. And now Fox News has labeled that Luigi kid

Speaker 1 a woke anti-capitalist. And

Speaker 1 all Fox has to do for their mouth-breathing audience is just throw the word woke in there.

Speaker 1 All CNN has to say is Trump. And everybody flips out, you know.

Speaker 1 Anyway, instead of just being happy that they have to think twice about their shitty ways, he says, hey, what do I know? Maybe you do.

Speaker 1 No, it's the, you know, they did

Speaker 1 CNN and Fox News look the other way, and corporations kill people and make them sick every fucking day.

Speaker 1 They polluted our water supply. I've said this a million times, our food supply, all of that fucking shit.

Speaker 1 Cancer's through the roof, autism's through the roof. All this shit is through the fucking roof, and they don't say a fucking word.

Speaker 1 But, you know, when one of them gets whacked, all of a sudden, they just, you know, they have all of this empathy for them. And what they have empathy for, don't ever forget this, is their wallets.

Speaker 1 Okay, and they have empathy for the system because the system is treating them fantastic.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm going to get off this subject because I'm going to fucking have fucking black SUV pulling up to my house. All right, haircuts.
Dear Billy, no cuts.

Speaker 1 Never felt like emailing until listening to your pod.

Speaker 1 There is so much that I could weigh in on, but the haircut is the highest topic. White guy here with basic white guy haircut and decent beard living in.
I'm not going to say where you live.

Speaker 1 I spent the last five plus years trying to find a good cut and beard trim for a reasonable money, 50 to 60 bucks, but I've always felt disappointed.

Speaker 1 Just recently, I tried a higher-end option, and it was fantastic. As soon as I got home, the wife was all compliments.
Plus, the best part was my daughter's complimented for days.

Speaker 1 I spend $100 and do it every five to six weeks now because

Speaker 1 results.

Speaker 1 Ah, God, I hate internet speak.

Speaker 1 Because of the results, not because results.

Speaker 1 This

Speaker 1 emojis pointing finger.

Speaker 1 As far as comparing men's cuts to women, ladies should be paying more overtime because

Speaker 1 how much hair they have.

Speaker 1 Seems like my wife does a serious cut and treat situation every few months for a few hundred bucks. So that comes to around $1,200.
Okay, so this person's weighing in on

Speaker 1 this other person heard these women complaining about how much money it costs,

Speaker 1 you know, for women to keep their hair the way they need it, which, you know, they're gouging them. Because so much is put on their looks and they buy into it.

Speaker 1 You know, they don't learn anything from the woman who was in that fucking dystopian tail out in the desert.

Speaker 1 Oh, she doesn't wear any makeup. Charlize Theron.
What was that movie? Mad Max.

Speaker 1 Mad Max. Was it Mad Maxine?

Speaker 1 To me, that's a fine balance. I could just get a shit cut every two months

Speaker 1 and save the bucks. But that boost from my ladies is well worth it.

Speaker 1 All right, so wait. So what are you playing? Every five to six weeks, you're paying $100.
We'll say five weeks times 52.

Speaker 1 No, not times 52. 5 into 52 is 10 with two weeks left over.
We're throwing an extra haircut.

Speaker 1 That's $1,050.

Speaker 1 Forget about the tip.

Speaker 1 Anyway, last point here. This stuck-up chick attitude that men have at Simple is such horseshit.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, something I've kind of gotten to this point where rather than getting upset that women are old, they just everything straight across the board, it's just harder for them.

Speaker 1 We get our periods, we have to give birth, we have it's more expensive for our haircuts, it's harder for us to lose weight, da da da da da da da da da da da, all of that fucking shit, right?

Speaker 1 What I really do

Speaker 1 now is what I try to do is find the blessing

Speaker 1 in the fact

Speaker 1 that I'm a man and that I can actually

Speaker 1 attain happiness.

Speaker 1 Not saying I did it, okay, because I'm a fucked up dude, but like as a man,

Speaker 1 happiness is way more attainable,

Speaker 1 all right?

Speaker 1 Because we are simple.

Speaker 1 Okay, I had to write yesterday on a Sunday,

Speaker 1 which sucks. But I got to tell you something.
I went outside with my little laptop, did a Zoom call with my partner, and I just thought to myself, you know what?

Speaker 1 If I have to write on a football Sunday,

Speaker 1 I'm going to make myself a little espresso and I'm going to smoke a fucking cigar. And I sat out in the backyard.

Speaker 1 And I was smoking a cigar and

Speaker 1 I was working, but I was still happy.

Speaker 1 Like, men have the ability to do that.

Speaker 1 And God knows I don't understand women, but when I look at them,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 it's like that whole

Speaker 1 menstruation cycle and all of that stuff, don't look at it selfishly, like, oh, she's being a bitch. It's like when that happens, it fucking sends their hormones bouncing off the fucking walls.

Speaker 1 I can't imagine what that's like. It has to suck.

Speaker 1 And your only freedom from it is being pregnant, which also has to suck. Or you're old.
And then you got to go through the fucking, whatever, the menopause shit.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I think that they're always looking at us

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 we're just sitting there in the backyard smoking a cigar. Going, dude, you see what's his face had eight catches?

Speaker 1 And the dumbest thing that you can do, I've always said this: you don't argue with a woman, all right? That's a fucking away game, and the refs are from her town. You're going to lose.

Speaker 1 The next time they just talk about how their life is harder, just agree with them.

Speaker 1 Just be like, Yeah, man, it's got to suck.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm so happy I'm a man. I have a simple brain.
I have simple wants and needs.

Speaker 1 You know, I never look over the fence at women and think, oh man,

Speaker 1 how come they get that and I don't?

Speaker 1 Like, they can go in, look hard, and not pay for a fucking drink. It doesn't bother me.

Speaker 1 If I was a woman, that would bother me.

Speaker 1 And I would, and that would become my focus. And I try to start a movement

Speaker 1 that women need to buy men drinks just as much as we buy them drinks. Like that bullshit.

Speaker 1 But I'm not. I'm just a dumb guy.
So I say, hey, all right, I guess that's how it is.

Speaker 1 What are you drinking there, sweetheart? I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 So there's really a,

Speaker 1 you know, I can tell you this, and it's also a very zen thing to do

Speaker 1 because they think that you're listening to them and you're hearing them.

Speaker 1 You know, it all depends how you say, yeah, you know, it's got to suck.

Speaker 1 Then she'll probably say, fuck you, and then laugh because she wanted to fight with you, you know, just to take her mind off of whatever the fuck is going on internally in her body.

Speaker 1 But this is the thing.

Speaker 1 You know, I wish I knew this a long time ago.

Speaker 1 You don't argue, you agree when it comes to shit like that.

Speaker 1 You know, look at this guy. This guy sat there and he fucking figured out how much he's paying for a fucking hair card versus what she's paying, time in the chair, all of that shit.

Speaker 1 That's fucking guy shit, analytic shit. You know, you're getting out the clipboard, you got on a headset, all of a sudden you feel like you're in the NFL.

Speaker 1 Just take their word for it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Sounds like it sucks.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 Have fun with that. Who gives a fuck?

Speaker 1 Anyways, that's just what's my two cents. All right.
Black men haircut, reporting in. Oh, okay.
All right, because that was a one, that was the one thing that I brought up.

Speaker 1 I was just like, well, if you're a black guy, they kind of go like,

Speaker 1 it seems to me once every once a week to 10 days.

Speaker 1 Um, he said, You mentioned how black men get a haircut every 10 days. I'm

Speaker 1 emailing you to confirm that you're right

Speaker 1 around the money, at least for me. Hey, not bad for a fucking

Speaker 1 ginger. Uh, I maintain a bit of an afro with trim sides, so I go about every two weeks or so to trim the hedges.

Speaker 1 I feel though, as a I feel as though black afros can easily be seen as unkempt after a month due to how some part of the head can grow at a different pace than other parts.

Speaker 1 So when you pick out your afro,

Speaker 1 it looks like a lumpy ass.

Speaker 1 Sorry, not only do I not have my glasses, but my cell phone screen is cracked. Yes, it is cracked because I threw my phone.
What was I angry about? I don't remember.

Speaker 1 Also, there is something to be said about how crisp

Speaker 1 a lineup looks on a black man. I think it may be the color contrast, but it looks and feels good.
Can I weigh in on that as a white person?

Speaker 1 There is a fine line between being lined up and looking fucking geometrically like bizarre.

Speaker 1 I've seen somebody like the fucking skill set of these barbers

Speaker 1 My fucking my my my hat's off to you. It's fucking amazing.

Speaker 1 But like when they do like the straight across, straight down, then the cul-de-sac on the side, into the fucking beard, down to the mustache.

Speaker 1 I mean, it looks like a, you look starting to look a little Picasso to me.

Speaker 1 You know, it doesn't look natural

Speaker 1 to come walking out of a barbershop looking like a CEO's yard.

Speaker 1 There's everything but hedges. It's a little fucking wild.

Speaker 1 Anyway, the person says, a great man, and then you fucking line up the eyebrows too. It's like you're starting to look like an alien.
A great man once said, a black man dies twice in his life.

Speaker 1 The first time is when their hairline recedes. Why? You guys all look great when you shave your head.
Unless you got that fucking lump in the back or a flat head. That's never good either.

Speaker 1 Happy Friday and gently love yourself. All right.

Speaker 1 I like it. They have black guys weighing in on the haircuts this week.
Black guys' haircuts. Oh, Big Billy the badass burr.
I'm replying to the one you read, you had about Boston haircuts.

Speaker 1 You were correct with your assumption that black men get their haircuts more frequently. I'm a black fellow from Roxbury, originally, but now live in Malden.

Speaker 1 The old M towns. Malden, Medford, Marblehead.

Speaker 1 Before I learned how to scalp and line myself during the pandemic,

Speaker 1 What a perfect time to do it because if you fuck it up, no one was going to see it.

Speaker 1 I was paying about 40 to 50 bucks every two weeks.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it kind of seems like everybody's coming in around a thousand a year.

Speaker 1 And that timeline pushing it. Also, I'd like to add in that being black, you just can't go to little Jimmy's barbershop.
You have to find a place that, for one,

Speaker 1 doesn't gasp when you walk in the fucking place because they know how to cut my grain of hair. But also, if they don't use a T-liner or a razor for the lineup, you're going to get a shitty cut.

Speaker 1 So, traveling plays into it, too. I live in Malden.
Oh boy. I have to go to Dorchester or Roxbury to not look crazy.
Oh, wow. That's all.
Have a great day. Have a great holiday season.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And also, from what my friends have told me, the Black Eye Barbershop is one of the great hangs in America as far as everybody having a good time, telling stories. I remember one time,

Speaker 1 what's his face? I was doing Ed Lover's show.

Speaker 1 Legendary Ed Lover, and he was telling me about the barbershop and how you'd be in there hanging out.

Speaker 1 And then the VCR guy would come in, or the DVD player guy would come in, or the guy with the DVDs, like people, like salesmen would come in there with items.

Speaker 1 And I was like, that's a fucking utopia. You're hanging out,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 Laughing your ass off with the fellas. You're getting your hair cut and you're knocking out your fucking shopping all at the same time.
It sounded fucking perfect to me.

Speaker 1 Anyway, sports today

Speaker 1 sucks.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't want to be the old man saying it's just different. It's just, it's definitely different.
And

Speaker 1 I don't know. But like, I've been watching like, like, college football is still great.
I've been watching college hoops now.

Speaker 1 Two things is great about college hoops. It looks the way pro hoop used to look.
It's not everybody's shooting threes. And then secondly,

Speaker 1 There's still a lot of old basketball barns that they're playing in, which are really cool.

Speaker 1 Like I watched the end of that a Lion-Eye, was it Tennessee game? Fucking great game.

Speaker 1 Tennessee won with that last second coast to coast layup.

Speaker 1 But I was looking at it. I was like, man, look at that.
Look where the fighting a lioney play, man. That's fucking great.

Speaker 1 You know, and next year, I'm going to be, when I'm in New York City, I want to go to a game, St. John's.
I want to start going to some college basketball games.

Speaker 1 I think that's just what you do. You just sort of like,

Speaker 1 I think it's really important to not tell young people that they missed the best era and just being that asshole. You know, just let them enjoy

Speaker 1 everybody shooting threes. I mean, that's the game they know.

Speaker 1 But I get what you're saying.

Speaker 1 All right. Hey there, old Billy, the balding brick top.

Speaker 1 I'm not sure how to get my 10-year-old son to stop flexing in or dunking on people.

Speaker 1 He's a great kid, but he is obsessed with sports and embraced the flexing alpha, this is my house, bullshit that you see in sports nowadays. I know, regardless of the score, too.

Speaker 1 You can be down by 30 points and make a good play, and then you're just fucking nodding like, look what I just did.

Speaker 1 I've tried showing him some examples of the more humble, let your playing, do the talking type of players. Nick Chubb, Joey Vodo, etc.

Speaker 1 Yes, we're from Ohio. Barry Sanders was a great example of that.

Speaker 1 Fucking nine guys laying on the field with broken ankles, and then he would just casually hand the ball back to the referee. It was amazing.
I thought that that was so much colder than, you know,

Speaker 1 doing the other shit. However, like, I don't mind a few guys doing, like, there was sort of the perfect balance,

Speaker 1 you know, at some point between guys with big personalities.

Speaker 1 Like I said, Butch Johnson, Billy White Shoes Johnson, Mark Gastono, or whatever, having a few of those guys. But once everybody did it, then then it just, I don't know, it kind of loses

Speaker 1 its impact, I feel. And also, yeah, if you're doing a dance after just making a fucking catch and it's still second and four, I don't understand that.

Speaker 1 You're doing an end zone dance because you got a first down.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I've tried showing him some example. Okay, the more humble.
Okay, it just doesn't seem to sink in, and I guess that shouldn't come as a surprise.

Speaker 1 Every sporting event on TV has five players celebrating after a five-yards pass or air quote posterizing an opponent when they're already up 20.

Speaker 1 My favorite is the cornerback in the NFL who gives up a completion but then jumps up and flexes or gives the safe sign from baseball as if to say, not in my house.

Speaker 1 I'm always thinking, but you gave up a completion.

Speaker 1 I'm really my favorite thing is when the dude gets beat and it's a bad ball.

Speaker 1 The quarterback overthrows him and then he's fucking,

Speaker 1 you know, saying incomplete, you know, you can't get open. It's like the dude was open.
It was just a bad play. So the corner should not be celebrated.

Speaker 1 I'm really trying to show him you don't have to do that shit to be a great player, but it's an uphill battle. Everything now is about flexing and dunking on your opponent.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, and just taking in, you're in awe of yourself.

Speaker 1 The kicker is that he's

Speaker 1 a pretty damn good athlete, definitely near the top of his class in baseball and soccer, and pretty good at basketball, too. And I love sports, too.

Speaker 1 There's nothing better than throwing the old pigskin around in the backyard with them. But fuck me, sports today are annoying as shit.

Speaker 1 Don't even get me started on the super dads who want to sign up to play in tournaments three states away every goddamn weekend. How do I show them the way?

Speaker 1 Love the show and your stand-up and go fuck yourself. You holiday pie crust-making motherfucker.

Speaker 1 How do I show them the way? You let me know, dude. You've been a father longer than me.

Speaker 1 I don't know how you do that. Because they're going to imitate,

Speaker 1 you know, what they saw. I remember like

Speaker 1 when we were on the playground, we would be imitating Kareem's sky hook.

Speaker 1 We used to do like impressions, the foul shots. We could do all of them.
Robert Parrish.

Speaker 1 Oh, another guy we used to do. Who was the guy from because Celta always played the Lakers?

Speaker 1 Jamal Wilkes. He'd bring the ball up and around his head and then shoot it.

Speaker 1 And I remember a kid tried to do that, and he somehow scratched his face with his own fingernail

Speaker 1 outdoor recess.

Speaker 1 I don't know, but I mean, I think if you're like involved in that, I think

Speaker 1 it sounds like your kids still, what do you say, 10 or 11, like that age? I feel like they're very influenced. But as they get older,

Speaker 1 brains are more developed. I think you can have like a conversation

Speaker 1 of,

Speaker 1 or maybe subtly show them highlights,

Speaker 1 you know, of these guys that you're talking about and saying how

Speaker 1 and getting the person to understand

Speaker 1 how psychological

Speaker 1 sports are.

Speaker 1 And I always felt like if someone was behaving that way,

Speaker 1 it wouldn't break my spirit. It would fuel me to fucking lay the person out.

Speaker 1 Whereas if you're just fucking beating somebody and you're just quiet about it, and they have nothing to feed off of other than their own failure, that takes them down half a gear.

Speaker 1 unless they have the ability,

Speaker 1 they're strong enough to fight that silence. You know,

Speaker 1 it's kind of like, you know, like arguing with a woman, like silence, if you're right, that's what you go with. You go with silence and you let them,

Speaker 1 you know, say all this crazy shit, trying to spin the argument into another direction. And you just sit there.

Speaker 1 And it's just, it's like a fire. It just burns itself out.
Like, silence is a very powerful thing.

Speaker 1 Um, how funny is that? I just talked by myself for a fucking hour, and I'm giving you guys a fucking lecture on silence. I'm a fucking idiot.
Um, all right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves,

Speaker 1 and I will check in on you on Thursday. Have a great week, good luck with your shopping, and always know you don't really have to do this, you do not have to participate.
All right.